#i'm angry and fucking STRESSED about this
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binged dungeon meshi anime + manga after numerous tumblr posts and leg injury. thoughts based on fandom > manga> anime ride:
[SPOILERS FOR MANGA]
senshi pantyshot fanservice much appreciated but... should really be more lingering and inexplicably glistening if its gonna match up to fanservice in other animes
no yeah TOTALLY get why toshiro just said fuck it and went home after... all that. days of no food. blase dark magic/you were too late reveal. long repressed slapfight that he probably felt equally guilty and angry about. girl he loved appeared as GIANT MONSTER and BRUTALLY killed HIS FAMILY.
girl he loved STOPPED TO PULL HER TITS OUT midway through BRUTALLY KILLING HIS FAMILY.
i'd go home too
also , Maricelle, all the love in the world, but i get why everyone was mad about the dark magic. i mean it looked bad. WE know that thistle interfered but the situation looked BAD ngl maricelle i would not want you healing me either after falin appearance.
feel like changeling maricelle should have been half half-foot/half-dwarf or something like that. would have been fun half-elf reveal to party. actually bothers me that she wasn't? the more i think about it. i mean itzumi was still cat/kobold.
incredibly belated but looking back at changeling episode...is senshi shirtless the whole time???
okay nevermind did some extensive research and i'm fairly sure he wasn't
also thinking back about senshi — he absolutely knew what he was doing with setting off the traps and pissing chilchuck off...my man was living here for decades.
kabru/laois is both more and less textually present than i would have thought based on fandom.
like on one hand they barely interact. on the other hand they barely interact and Kabru is VERY much obsessed . they have ONE (1) conversation. much hilarity has been observed about that dialogue so i digress
and there is ZERO new information between that interaction and kabru planning on putting the man on a THRONE. at some unclear point his career goal becomes having his lips at this man's ear and a dagger at his neck ???
i cannot stress this enough: he invests SO EARLY in king Laios. willing to sacrifice his life for this to be realized. goal oriented. unhinged. good for him.
you could say it's just him being practical and choosing the best option based on available information but incredibly relevant new information becomes available and Kabru is STILL locked in
i'm crying over kabru 'compressing' mithran's backstory. sure as a meta framing device fine. but in universe? BONKERS. narrative critiquing clinically depressed man's tragic backstory. Super normal move.
so much nuance and different perspectives on fantasy interracial marriages and adoptions and its SO SO GOOD.
gnawing on the walls kinda worldbuilding seriously
so thistle was a teenager when this all started. that's what i'm getting. that's... man there's a lot of layers of tragedy.
wait so if elves and half-foots look ambiguously young do tallmen look ambiguously old?? wrinkly gangly old old wrinkly fuckers??? or burning the candle at both ends terrible looking tall child???
hey i'm starting to think that the monster who controls all monsters... might not be a good guy
'Delgal' holding thistle at the end ... i'm not crying. you're crying.
impossible to say if laois won the final battle on purpose or not
genuinely no idea
11/10 no notes about that fact
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Me again 😈 this is the last one (for now)
How about Howzer x reader with "sh, sh, I'm going to patch you up."?? I love Howzer so much and virtually no one writes for him </3
Playing Doctor
Summary: In an ideal world, being trapped in a cramped place with Howzer would be a dream come true. After all, you’ve been crushing on him for ages now. You just wish the situation was a little less sucky.
Pairing: Captain Howzer x GN!Reader
Word Count: 1200
Warnings: Reader is injured, pining, Howzer is jealous but pretends that he isn't
A/N: Sorry that this took so long! I couldn't get Howzer to agree with me. Until I put on a Disney playlist on Spotify and the words just started flowing. (Also, I have been in a not-great mental place since the 6th, but I think I'm better-ish now). I hope you like it!
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You’ve known Howzer for years now.
You first met him at the beginning of the Clone Wars, all of those years ago. And, looking back now, you can admit that your first impression of him wasn’t the greatest.
He was arrogant. Cocky, even. And in his opinion, you were a meddling busybody who needed to spend a day or two sitting in a jail cell.
You weren’t, and aren’t, a soldier. You were the former base commander’s receptionist, and when he left for greener pastures, you were left behind with a handful of soldiers and support staff who weren’t important enough to anyone to manage to pull a reassignment.
In truth, you kept the base running through duct tape and a prayer. And then Howzer came along and took it from you.
It wasn’t until he realized that none of the NatBorn soldiers, or support staff, would listen to him, that they all deferred to you, that Howzer realized that he stepped on a few toes.
And he didn’t apologize until your Squad of Misfits pulled him and his men out of an ambush that should have killed them, but only left him badly injured and with a scar on his face.
The rest, as they say, is history.
By the time the Jedi Purge happened, you and Howzer were friends. Friends enough that, when he called you to ask for help, you dropped everything and hurried to his side.
That had been a year ago, and while you won’t ever say that you regret it, you do wish that you had been more clever about your career prospects.
Or, at least, more clever.
Surely, if you had gone to medical school like your mother wanted you wouldn’t be in this situation.
Right?
You release a pained whimper as Howzer presses his hands, firmly, over the wound in your side. You try to pull away from his painful touch, but the way he has you positioned against the wall of the cave you’re taking shelter in means that you can’t move.
“Howzer—”
“I know it hurts, ad’ika.” His voice is low, and you don’t think you’ve ever seen such a grim look on his face before. Well, not directed towards you, at least, “but I need to stop the bleeding.”
Hesitantly, because he’s been funny about you touching him lately, you wrap your hands around his wrists, “‘m sorry. I messed up.”
“It’s not your fault. Who knew that the Stormtroopers had people who could use fucking javelins. Where are we, the Middle Ages?” He sounds stressed and angry.
“Many Indigenous people use weapons like that,” You reply, “Like the Ewoks and the Tusken Raiders of Tatooine.”
Howzer releases a huffed laugh, “Why do you know that?”
“I saw a documentary about it before,” You admit.
“Yeah? When was this?” He applies more pressure and you whimper as the sudden pain knocks the air out of your lungs, and you see a muscle work in his jaw.
“When I was a kid,” You manage to say, “There used to be a show. Tula the Tooka. Tula would teach kids about different races and show how we’re all the same.”
“Fighting bigotry one little kid at a time?”
“Something like that.” You wince, “She also covered some basic language skills, like how to say hello, or I’m lost, in whatever language.”
“Sounds educational,” Howzer shifts his hand and glances at your side, and then he takes your hand and presses it over the wound, “Apply pressure while I pull out my kit.”
“You could always just leave me here,” You offer.
“Don’t be fucking stupid, I’m not leaving you behind.” Howzer replies as he starts digging through the bag he’s been carrying, “You can’t actually think that I would do that.”
“I don’t.” You admit, “Make your life easier if you were less loyal, though.” You pause, “Idiot.” The word is affectionate, and the corner of Howzer’s lips curl up into a small smile.
“Wonder what having an easy life would be like,” He jokes, before he turns back to you, “Alright, move your hand.” You do as he asks, though you don’t realize why he’s saying that until the sharp scent of alcohol reaches your nose.
You yelp and jerk back when an alcohol-soaked cloth presses against your side. Though, you don’t get far.
“Shh, shh,” he effortlessly tugs you closer, so he can keep the cloth pressed against your side, “I’m going to patch you up.”
“You couldn’t have given me some warning?” You choke out.
“Sorry, ad’ika. But you’re kind of a baby when it comes to pain.”
You stare up at him through tear-filled eyes, “And you thought this would help? You’re a jerk. Rex would never—” You yelp again when his touch gets rough enough that it hurts.
The painful pressure vanishes almost immediately, “Sorry, I’m sorry! I forget that you’re so much more fragile than me.” Howzer blurts as he uses the sleeve of his jacket to wipe a tear from your cheek, “Please don’t cry.”
“I-it’s okay, you didn’t mean it.”
Howzer sighs, “It’s not okay, but thank you.” He pulls some bandages from his bag, “I bet Rex would never forget that.” There’s something odd in his voice, and you realize, with a start, that he’s jealous.
“Howzer?”
“Hm?”
“Are you jealous of Rex?”
He fumbles with the wrapper of the bandage, and his dark eyes flicker up to meet your gaze, before dropping back to your side, “Course not.”
You stare at the top of his head for a moment, and then you sigh and reach up to run your fingers through his hair, “You know you’re my favorite, right?”
“Are you allowed to have favorites?” Howzer asks as he applies the bandage and tapes it to your skin.
“I think you’ll find that I don’t care about what’s allowed,” You counter, “You’re my favorite, and I’m glad that I ended up stranded here with you over anyone else.”
He finally meets your gaze, “You hate being stranded anywhere.” Howzer corrects with a wry smile.
“See, no one else knows me like you do.”
“Well, I have known you for years now,”
Your hand falls from his hair to rest against his cheek, just over his scar. There are so many things you want to tell him. So many thoughts you want to share.
Things that he deserves to know.
But the words seem to stick in your throat.
After all, there’s no way he feels the same way for you as you do for him.
So, instead, you offer a tiny smile, “I’m guessing you have a plan.”
Howzer turns his head and presses a light kiss to the palm of your hand, “Always do.” He pulls away from you, “Are you okay waiting here for me?”
“Just don’t forget about me.”
“Never.” He stands and peels off his jacket, “Here, use this as a pillow and get some rest. I’ll be back when I’m done.”
You take his jacket and fold it so you can lay down, “Be careful,” Howzer tosses you a wink, and then he’s gone.
And, now alone, you release a quiet sigh. “I love you, Howzer.”
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#star wars#tbb#captain howzer x reader#howzer x reader#star wars fanfiction#x reader fanfiction#gn!reader fic#answered asks
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"So how well did you do in the exam, Sev?"Lily asks excitedly.
Severus makes a dramatic pause, but is hiding a smile, then he shows her his paper: "An easy A+"
Lily, who didn't sleep to study all night, blushes. But she still shows her friend her own exam.
"An A - . But just barely. Physics is not my strongest subject"
It is the most difficult subject for everyone. Because their professor gives them the most horrible examinations. Everyone is torn up after it has ended. Lily knows some of her classmates even cried.
Severus touches her shoulder "You did great, Lily. It was a general difficult exam. You know how Frumentar is"
He doesn't sound like he made much effort. While Lily is exhausted for cracking her head up during the exam. She feels like a fool for trying so hard when others make it look so easy.
It should have been an A+. Lily feels like a failure.
That's when she hears them. The Marauders.
Peter sounds very stressed "I can't believe you got an A+. An A+!! It was the most difficult exam I've ever done"
"Easy peacy, I tell you" James grins.
"But you didn't even study!" Peter protests "We stayed until late with Remus revising it all"
James shrugs "The exam had everything Frumentar gave us in class. Nothing out of this world"
Peter groans, reflecting Lily's annoyance. How dares he? James Potter is Lily's number one enemy for a reason.
"How did you guys do?" James is asking to his friends.
Peter hides his paper. Sirius and Remus look at each other.
"C+" Remus sighs "I knew I could do better"
Lily would have died if she got a C+. She had never been lower than a B+.
"Same" Sirius hits Remus's palm. He doesn't look perturbed like him though "I don't worry. Grades are stupid. School sucks. It's all about the great things you do in life" he winks "Like Steve Jobs, for example. Did you know he left school?"
"I bet Steve Jobs didn't have a mother that would kill him" Peter whines.
"What did you get, Wormy?" Sirius asks putting an arms around him.
"I'm not sharing my grade" Peter blushes.
"It's okay, boys" James exclaims "Not everyone can be a genius like me"
Lily's blood boils. She really hates him. How come he is great at everything without moving a stupid finger? Some people are great academically but suck at sports. Like Severus. Others are great at Gymnastics but aren't that good at school. Like Marlene.
Although James Potter is good at both. And Lily hates him for that.
James Potter, Severus and her are always competing to be the top of their class. And it might be stupid. But Lily wants to win. All the time.
"I bet he has the teachers bought, Lily. Don't worry" Severus says, sensing Lily's anger.
"Let's just go, Sev"
Lily is so so angry and frustrated that when she passes by and James says "Hey, Evans" in the cheeky way he always does, she groans openly.
"How did you do in the exam?"
"Fuck off!!"
#Jily as Academic Rivals but Severus is as good as well#Remus is very good but he tries so hard sometimes that his nerves get to him#Sirius is very intelligent and can do better he just doesn't care about school#And Peter tries really hard but he always struggles to get good grades#marauders era#muggle au#lily evans#james potter#jily#sirius black#remus lupin#peter pettigrew
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we have fucking mice again 😓 i fucking hate living in this disgusting town full of factories, which they don't clean well (not food related so it's fine lol) and disgusting neighbors who don't clean their house or take care of their animals, and the neighbors on the other side who abandon their house for months at a time...
We spend so much time cleaning and keeping the lawn nice and trimmed, our only fault is the fact that how our house was built, we have space between the roof and a few walls where these fucking mice can hide... We saw 4 today (4 that we could count cause they were out at the same time) 😓 at least they're outside (for now)
#and a fucking cockroach walked over my foot as well tonight#i make it seem like i live in a trashbag#i swear I don't ajfmsjf#god i just want these bugs and animals gone! 😭😭😭#everything is so expensive and we now have to spend so much fucking money to get rid of them when it's not our fault#i'm angry and fucking STRESSED about this#angel talks#personal
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Sanji snapping at his dearest most beloved Nami-swan just because they don't know where Usopp is and he's worried sick makes my mind go to places I didn't know it could
#it's like 2 am so i'll make a more detailed post about the movie tomorrow but#sanji in this movie fucking killed me in so many ways and there's so much to unpack#like obviously i wanna talk about luffy and the usonami fight (BECAUSE THAT HURT MORE THAN ANYTHING TBH) but#but sanji is my sweetie pie so i'm gonna make it about him first#i know they are all extremely nervous and stressed and angry bc it's exactly what baron wants but you know.....#sanji saying it's luffy's fault that they're there and kind of yelling at nami to then proceed to get back usopp's hat?? i am going to die#ughh i love this movie so much so much so much i am going to obsess over this for days#one piece#black leg sanji#nami#usopp#sanuso#baron omatsuri and the secret island
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Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"
#quote from MLP:FIW#sorryyyy been kinda angry about my step family all day#sorry but im so tired of my Stepmom acting like she raised decent kids#my step brother is like 25 and living in my dads home. hes unironically an andrew tate fan and treats his very disabled girlfriend like shit#step sister always got compred to my sister who's the same age and put step sis in the light every time EVEN THO MY SIS WAS LITERALLY BETTER#<- like grades n shit#also both step sibs are gross. never cleans up ever. step brother and his gf are banned from the basement#step bro went to juvy when he was 16 and step sis had a trial last year and almost went to jail#also step sis has mono and would rather die than cover her mouth#i feel bad for SB's girlfriend because she has no other support system and sometimes it feels like SB or SS is trying to kill her?????#my dad threatened to kick out the adults if the house is dirty (adults being SB. SBG. SS. My sister. Aunt.)#My sister does SO MUCH HOUSEWORK and nobody cares and im mad#also bullshit rules recently have made my potential eating disorder worse#i don't think its healthy to rather starve than wash a dish but i actually have cried several times over this#not to mention how much i accidentally starve myself#also our food has been less and less because I don't know what I'm allowed to eat anymore because of my step family#also i have to share the smallest room with my sister. its okay tho ilh and i wouldn't want to get rid of her#sometimes it feels like my stepmom doesn't like me or my sisters because we're “weird”. childish interests and artistic#she lectured me about having missing assignments and I started crying#i said i just forgot to turn in some before the deadline and she called me lazy#<- Oops! so close. its actually THE MENTAL ILLNESS#my sisters and i feel like shit#i feel like my safe space is with my oldest sister.#and you all too! i love you guys#i just feel trapped. trapped by my step family. trapped by my own mind.#i was just starting to feel free from the burden of school and she just made me feel more stressed.#i didn't want to study because she killed the little motivation I had#Spanish exam is now “Fuck it we ball”#sorry for the personal post
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I don't know how you've all experienced the year 2024, but I barely witnessed it, and I've been fighting for my life
#I've been in a constant state of flight and stress#there's been disaster after disaster#I didn't do a lot of fun things#and the things I did#I didn't enjoy very much or I don't remember them#I remember them as a fact (a mark on my calendar) but barely a memory let alone a feeling#I lost motivation for work and I fucked up a lot#my highs and lows have changed six times a day#like biblical proportions mood swings#lots of anger and sadness but they've barely registered either#way too much awareness in the present which was overwhelming but I haven't remembered them afterwards#or it just felt insignificant and boring#lots of doubts about myself lots of questions#it's been one crazy fucking year#usually I have some big grand plan or idea of how I want to do better next year#but now I'm just like ehh#which just raises more questions about wtf is wrong with me :)#haven't had a single day where I didn't wake up with a tension headache or pain in my neck or shoulders#or a single day amongst people where I didn't get agitated angry hurt feeling rejected#which hasn't happened all that much the past ten years so that's crazy#lots of old feelings. that I can handle now. no breakdowns or extreme sadness#it's just weird i dont understand myself at the moment#too lazy to grab my journal#(have been too lazy/bored/tired all year to spend any time on hobbies)#so the big rant goes here#I hope in 2025.... I get to calm the fuck down#i dont have a big plan or idea. I just want peace... and enjoyment...#looking back at my resolutions for 2024 is sad#im like that was me only a year ago what Happened?#personal
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Idk why I had hope that democracy would prevail. I'm really fucking scared—as a bi woman who lives in a red state, that already has no abortion clinics left—about what's going to happen, come next year.
#i'm so so fucking angry#i don't understand how people can be so fucking stupid to vote against their own interests like this#i stressed to my father that a huge reason i would not vote for trump is due to his overturning roe v wade. that by doing so women have DIE#he just goes “i understand why you want to vote harris. i just don't think 1 reason is enough.”#easy for you to say when you have never had to fear for your bodily autonomy#how could you say that to your own daughter?#my well-being—my life—isn't enough reason for you not to vote for the fascist#fuck you if you voted this fucking fascist back into office#he does not give a shit about you#he cares only for himself#i promise that if you're blue-collar he is disgusted by you. he is not on your side & your life is about to get sm worse with his tarrifs#ann talks to herself
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alright i have like three spite fics building in me, so it's time to burn through some progress for 100 ships
#i am fuming#and the only productive answer is to go on a walk or write spite fic#so spite fic it is#tula rambles#they would not fucking say thatttttt#(angry pansexual muttering)#(hi i'm stress testing how i feel about pansexual rather than bi. idk. might go somewhere#might not.)
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hell of a feeling when you know you're Being Unreasonable but can't stop being unreasonable anyway
#not to get mad personal on here but there's like three serious health crises happening in the family right now#and on top of everything blossom has to take this medicine for her infection that she hates so much#and my dad will not shut the FUCK up about how i'm giving it to her badly. when i am literally. doing it properly.#and maybe it's just been a long stressful day of hospital visits and phone calls and pet care#but i just wanna cry at this point. literally what do you want from me man.#i am so angry! i am so mad! and i KNOW i'm Being Unfair about it. but i can't help it.
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I just groaned and said "enough with this uterus nonsense" out loud to myself, these cramps are making me delirious
#Sunny Life#god is angry and I'm her little stress ball#once I'm well enough I'm using my savings to yeet this fucking misery sponge out once and for all#I told my doctor about my issues and suspicion of endo and he just looked like wet sad dog bc there's nothing he can really do lmao
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three months until i get to go back to school. i can deal with three months.
#boink#it's been two weeks and it's already just so taxing#like school is stressful too but at least it's sort of self contained#at least i'm somewhat in control of things#i know i'm not really an adult yet#but the last two semesters of relative independence#well i appreciated being able to just do things#like being able to decide when to eat#going places without having to wait to get approval first#like obviously i had a rough school year#but at least the consequences and events were organic#like i could fuck up my classes without having to come home to people getting mad at me for arbitrary things#like my mom just got mad at me bc i knocked on the bathroom door to loud#i'm anxious atm bc the house fan is on and the noise stresses me out so maybe i did knock too loud idk#but anyway she comes into my room and starts freaking out about anger management issues#which yeah honestly true enough#but like. not about this?#i am just overstimulated fam#i wasn't angry and i didn't even interact with anyone before i got shit for wanting to close my door and calm down a little#so anyway#stuff like that#little decisions and motions and things#i just prefer being on my own ig
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One of those texts I kind of need to sit on before I decide how I'm going to word it.
I never know how to start these, but I always have an idea on what to say. Your opinion of me actually matters a lot & the implication that you believe that I lie to you or I'm not doing enough is kinda hurtful. It comes across to me like my effort is worthless to you & that what I want doesn't matter at all. I wouldn't bring it up if I didn't think you cared, and I know you're going through a lot and shouldn't have to worry about me, but I'm getting mixed signals that are really throwing me off. What do you want from me? Am I asking too much of you and you don't know how to tell me? I sincerely want to be there for you, regardless of what it looks like to get to that point, but if you don't want me there you can tell me! What you want matters just as much, if not more, to me. I'm not the kind of person to be hostile about things if they don't work out. I don't want to be another source of stress or negativity for you, and I don't want you to be afraid of being honest with me. I constantly question if you're just too nice to tell me you aren't interested anymore, and even if you are, I might need more reassurance than you can give me because I don't think I'm very worth it to anyone for anything. If you don't think I'm trying hard enough then tell me what I need to do to change that! I'm at the point of just not knowing what I bring to your life, if anything at all. You don't need to deal with me on top of everything else, so, I'm sorry for this. Even if you don't text me back I'll feel better once I get it out there. The only thing I've ever been afraid of is not communicating exactly how much I care about you & how much you mean to me - even if it doesn't matter to you, or you don't believe me. If there comes a day where we aren't in each other's lives anymore for whatever reason, I don't want either of us to question what could've been said or done differently or regret not doing more.
#I'm gonna sleep on this one. This could be a Monday night text. Or tomorrow#I'll refine this better. I think it's important to stress the whole Gemini factor here#REALLY mixed signals. If you want me to go just say it#I don't have time for the bait and switch yknow#I don't even think he's aware. Micheal said it pretty straight up and I know he's probably right#But I will be goddamned if I don't give it my best and most honest shot.#I think about Sean a lot sometimes and how much I miss him. It could make me cry#I never got the chance to tell him anything. To show him I made it#He will NEVER get here. He will always be stuck when and where and how he died and that fucking kills me#That pain and raw grief are what keep me going at this point.... he will never experience life after that moment in time#And I am so scared that the same thing will happen to my s/o and he will walk into it with eyes open#And I can't communicate that fear to him. That profound sadness. Watching a movie over and over and hate the ending#It's *hard*. How many times can I watch it happen? How many times will it keep happening? Take my fucking revolution or whatever#I woke up angry today and im committed to being empty and full of resentment I think#I just want to talk to Sean. He would say the same thing micheal did I bet.#God I really miss him huh. Crying and shit or whatever. I don't have time for this#Sean would laugh at me for crying over some hot guy who I am clearly the side girl to#Lmao I would laugh too. Yeah. Get it together.#It's just another relapse so relax sit back and take a deep breath......
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I feel violence in my very bones this evening.
#I'm angry and I'm tired of trying to destress in my own way WHICH HARMS NO ONE MIND YOU#and instead I get treated like I'm a babbling retard worrying about nothing#you don't get to decide that for me#What you claim is me stressing over nothing is me actively FORCING myself to face something to relax long term#I have severe anxiety over money because of being poor most of my life so my relaxation is literally writing down every fucking expense#all of them for the month#and seeing how much money I make#I am trying to coordinate with Tim and he just doesn't get it#he'll say things to make me not worry about it and when I try to explain he isn't helping by giving me words#instead of numbers he just keeps going with how what he says is him trying to relax me#Am I talking to a goddamn brick wall#I'm trying to do the thing where you talk to your partner and it isn't fucking working and I just want to break things so fucking bad#but I can be good I will not break things I will not self harm to relieve stress the unhealthy way I will sit and sew my fucking skirt
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#i hate that i'm like this but the girl we're hosting used my mug and it makes me irrationally angry#like#i didn't ever tell her ''hey don't use this mug because i have my own stuff and i don't like cross contaminating''#so i KNOW i have no right to be angry#and it coooouuld have been one of my family members who used it but i doubt it because they know i don't like sharing mugs and glasses etc#but either way this is just a symptom of how chaotic i feel in my own house and i hate myself for being like this#i never say anything because i KNOW its crazy people talk to be like ''hey that's my seat. why? because i always sit there and like it?''#and i know it doesn't affect anyone how the spoons are organized and how the plates are stacked and where the pots are stored#but its just infuriating to see things in places where (in my mind system) they don't go#i know it's the autism but that has never found me any sort of sympathy in my family (diagnosis or no diagnosis) so i can't say that#and if i skirt around it and say ''i like things a certain way and not having them like that causes me severe emotional distress''#it makes me seem controlling and abusive (which are things my mom has implied i am when i explain these things to her)#i know the real reason for these issues isn't our guest but also at this point she isn't our fucking guest because SHE'S BEEN HERE A MONTH#and she is clearly overstaying her welcome imo#i don't say anything because i'm not a mean person but i'm sure everyone around me can tell i'm stressed about something#i just need my space back but i don't even feel like i have a claim over that cuz mexican families are full of the ''my house my rules'' bs#which is untrue because a) the house isn't even owned by my parents anymore#(they made some stupid financial choices years ago and my uncle had to buy the house from them or risk foreclosure)#and b) we're all adults (except my brother obviously) and we all contribute however we can#so i should have some say in how i feel if i'm living here imo#and i am trying to make money however i can so i can move out soon#but just going out twice a week has me like this i can't imagine working a traditional job atm#(i did apply for a grant for autistic people of color so hopefully something will come of that)#anyways that was my rant i'm just really stressed and constantly on the brink of a meltdown#it's not this random girls fault#she just happens to be the final drop in my very very small bucket very often these days#(y'know because she's a fucking stranger in my house and i hate having to mask in my own home idk i'm awful i probably won't post this)
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didn't get cast in ensemble. they did cast a girl at callbacks I literally taught the harmony to though. fucked up
#spent a year thinking about the audition#have actively waited for an opportunity to audition for at least seven years#show on my radar for at least 14#love to be good enough at the audition that they call you back and then have them be like#actually never mind we don't want your voice even with the other voices.#we have no place for your body on stage with the other bodies#this is what I was afraid of. this is why as soon as it was announced like two years ago this might be produced I was as#stressed as I was excited.#it's not about ego or rejection it's just about getting to do a dream there aren't many chances to fulfill. I just get fixations you know?#rehearsals start tonight without me!#only thing helping me hold onto my sanity is an inside source telling me that the director is horrible#it's hard for grapes to be sour enough for me to not to hurt bad bad bad#but it takes away a little bit of the grief#as does the fact that a friend has the kindness to try and comfort me like that#mensch behavior#I have othr things to look forward to this was just high stakes you know#not a lot of chances. dependent on others to provide chances. autistic hyperfixation on little scraps of the score#most passionate out of anyone who auditioned for sure#and I'm not even bad#I fucked up at callbacks a little but I was hoping they wouldn't be insane about it#but holding my breath until I could get the relief of knowing I was in#which would also have been incredible news in other ways too––being in any show has been a long-term goal and I would be like okay I've hit#that milestoone and should actually invest in a headshot#but I guess not!!!!!!#going to try and not be angry at myself though#I'm good and will throw myself into my work#which I have much to do of and talent to apply to
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