#i'll do more if anyone's interested though
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Sit Next To Me
Chapter 3: That’s Actually Very Unreasonable.
You had created two rules for yourself.
Rule One: You could do whatever you wanted. Get the degree you want, party when you want, cancel plans when you want, love who you want. Whatever you really wanted to do, you were going to do, anxiety and guilt free.
Rule Two: You could do whatever you wanted, except for have relationships with classmates. No sex, no dating. If they were on the same course roster as you, they were off limits.
Easy enough, right?
...Right?
Viktor x Female!Reader - 18+
A.N. Yay! Ch 3 is finally done! I pay Rugby and practice started up this week, which is a big reason this wasn't done a little bit sooner. But thank you to everyone for bearing with me and thank you SO MUCH for the support. I've received so many kind comments and messages, I'm so happy that I decided to actually finish and post this instead of letting it it in my google drive. Chapter 4 is coming, I'm not gonna promise when, but its on the way.
At the request of at least one person, I'm going to start a tag list in the replies of each chapter, lmk if you want to be added to that!
ALSO. Someone sent in a request and I am very excited about this. I wasn't planning on asking for requests, but I think it would be good for me to use those as a brain break from the main long form story. So if anyone is interested, feel free to send one shot or head canon requests my way! NSFW or SFW is fine! If you have questions, send an ask :) Anyways, I'll shut up now. Enjoy <3
Read on AO3
Waking up on Saturday was…difficult, to say the least. After spending the summer mostly sober, save for the occasional drink with your dad or joint by yourself, your body was not prepared for the previous night's substance intake. You felt grimy when you came to in your bed. Your skin sticky from sweat, your mouth dryer than all hell, and your brain felt like it had been shaken in a jar. Laying there, face in your pillow, the pros and cons of climbing out of bed tumbled around your head.
You decided that if it was before noon, you’d allow yourself a few more hours of sleep, otherwise you had to get up. Blindly you stuck a hand onto the counter at the head of your bed, knocking things left out from last night around until you found your phone. The bright screen made your temple pulse when you clicked it on.
12:01.
You dropped your head and groaned into the pillow. A deal was a deal, though, even with yourself. You gave yourself grace as you sat up in bed, looking around your tiny double dorm room. Bright light shone around the edge of the blinds, making you squint. Clothes were still scattered around your side, your hightops dropped haphazardly on the floor, not far from your shorts. You had barely managed to piss, brush your teeth, and put on clean underwear before knocking out last night. You could still feel what little makeup you had on last night smeared around your eyes. All of your pre-made plans to hydrate and clean up before going to bed were abandoned as soon as you set foot into your room.
Lest on the other hand, looked like a princess in her bed. Washed hair in two braids, fresh pjs on, and her trusty sleep mask covering her eyes. She even layed like a princess, flat on her back with her hands folded on her stomach. You envied her discipline for hygiene even when drunk.
You slid out of bed. Bracing yourself on the frame with a groan when your stomach flipped. Lest didn’t even flinch, she slept both like a princess and a log. You left on the clothes you slept in, wrapped a towel around your waist, and gathered your shower bag. First order of business was to clean up, because even one more minute of feeling like you were covered in a film of alcohol and smoke and you were gonna peel your skin off.
The shared hallway was aggressively bright, but fortunately empty. You were sure you couldn’t handle an awkward ‘on the way to the shower’ run in with a hallmate right now. You’d probably throw up on the carpet. Luckily on a well weathered first Saturday of the semester, the hall was virtually abandoned. Which also meant that the only single user bathroom on your side of the building was free.
You leaned heavily against the closed door, eyes screwed shut as you fought back the wave of nausea that came with your short walk. With your eyes closed you found the automatic light switch, pushing the button to shut the lights down. The frosted window let in just enough light to see without burning your eyes out. You hung up your things and started the shower, knowing it would take a while for it to warm up.
You took that time to brush your teeth, sick of the grit that lined your mouth. When you saw yourself in the mirror you couldn't help but to cringe. You were a wreck. The makeup around your eyes was worse than you imagined, smeared completely around your eyes in an intense racoon mask. Your hair was half out of the scrunchie you had pulled it into on the way home, hanging awkwardly on your neck. As you brushed your teeth, you tilted your head at the borrowed shirt realizing something off about it. You frowned at it in the mirror, trying to make out what the writing said. Whatever it was, it wasn’t Metallica. You spit in the sink and set your toothbrush to the side before pulling the shirt over your head. It didn’t say Metallica, it said Mozart in the Metallica font.
You snorted a laugh, “Jayce, what the fuck?” Folding the shirt up, you shoved it into your bag, hoping you'd remember to wash it with your laundry. When you caught a glimpse of your bare torso in the mirror, you froze.
Memories of last night came flooding back as you stared at the red marks scattered across your body. An unsteady line of hickeys connected one hip bone to the other, a few were splayed up across your stomach and in a cluster across your chest. There was even one framed by a perfect bite mark on the top of your shoulder.
“God damn…” You muttered, turning in the mirror in search of more. While you didn’t find any more hickeys sucked into your skin, you did find thin bruises on the sides of both your thighs from his fingers digging into your flesh.
You stepped closer to the mirror, ghosting your fingertips over the marks. You couldn’t help but shudder at the memory of his hands on you. You could still feel him against you, his lips, his tongue, his teeth. You gripped the edge of the sink, willing the thoughts away. It was a hookup with a stranger who’s name wasn’t even known to you. It wasn’t going to happen again.
Despite that fact, you thought of him in the shower until the water ran cold.
-----
Lest was awake when you made it back to your room. In the time it took you to shower she had managed to get dressed, make both herself and you coffee and frozen breakfast sandwiches, clean up your side of the room, and get the first season of Love Island up on your TV. She was stirring creamer into her coffee when you came in.
“Goodmorning,” You said, locking your door behind you, “How long have you been up?”
“Like, 45 minutes,” She said, setting the creamer to the side for you, “Were you in the shower that whole time?”
“Er, yeah, sorry. I wanted to shave,” You lied, a little surprised at how long you had actually been gone. You hoped Lest wouldn’t notice that you definitely had not shaved.
You dressed quickly. You and Lest had never been shy about changing in front of each other, but right now you had yourself angled awkwardly against your closet, praying to god she didn’t catch a glimpse of the love bites you were sporting. Luckily you managed to pull on a tshirt and sweats without her noticing. It’s not like you needed to hide from her, you usually told her everything as soon as it happened, but this time you wanted to keep it to yourself. At least for a little bit. You knew she’d have something, probably valid, to say about the complete unknown of the man you had sex with. She’d scold you on how dangerous it was and drag you to the health center to get tested for an STD.
“How’re you feeling?” She asked as you made up your coffee.
“A little like I was hit by a truck,” You shrugged, putting the cream away in your tiny fridge, “But I’ve definitely felt worse. You?”
“Better than I thought I would,” Lest told you, starting the show, “I didn’t drink much towards the end, and I didn’t smoke at all so I guess it makes sense.”
“You’re lucky,” You joked, climbing into bed with your coffee and breakfast, “We’re still doing nothing today right?”
“Oh, for sure.” Lest said nodding with wide eyes, “This is probably the last weekend we’ll be able to actually push homework off. Everything can wait until tomorrow.”
“Works for me,” You nodded, sipping your coffee and tuning into the trashy reality show you and Lest were hooked on.
You realized pretty quickly that all the gorgeous men and women and unhealthy relationships in the world wouldn’t distract you enough. You had figured post your incredibly long shower you’d be free of Pretty Boy, that the memory of him would ebb away. No luck.
By the time Micheal had been cast out of the Villa, you had managed to replay last night's events a hundred times in your head. It wasn’t just the sex that you were hyper focused on, it was every second you were near him. You kept thinking about how he looked in the kitchen, the way the lights moved over his skin and hair. The fact that even in the dark his eyes were still so bright and warm. You could hear the lilt of his accent in your head, all the words he said to you, all the things he called you.
What really stuck with you was how soft it all had been. How gentle and kind he had been with you. The way his voice sounded when he asked if you were leaving. How much you wished you had said no. This was going to haunt you for at least a week, you knew it would. You were preparing for it to be a very hard and very unfocused week.
Lest called you out a few times during the lazy afternoon, questioning your mental absence from the shared room. You brushed her off with excuses of exhaustion and nausea. You could tell she was worried, but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell her. Eventually, not many hours after waking up, you let yourself fall asleep to the thought of his lips on yours.
-------
On Sunday you woke up well before the sun, thanks to your early bedtime. You stared up at the ceiling, willing yourself back to sleep, but as your room slowly turned from pitch black into grey tones you knew it wasn’t going to happen. Quietly you pulled yourself out of bed and got ready for the day. It was barely even six by the time you were finished getting ready, but you were restless. Scribbling a note for Lest, you left your dorm.
There was a time when you’d go on a walk before the sun was fully up every morning. It was when you enjoyed campus the most. The cold and quiet of it was comforting, it felt like home. Almost completely deserted at this hour. The only souls you ever saw this early were the landscapers, perfecting the small campus before the day began, and the occasional early rising professor walking a beloved campus dog. On a Sunday, though, it was truly empty.
You wandered without really knowing where you were going, you let your feet remember the familiar path they once took so frequently. The sun barely peeked over the line of trees and brick buildings, casting long shadows over the quad. Dew grayed the grass, evaporating where the sun touched it. Eventually you reached the flower garden nestled between the two original buildings of the campus. You settled on a cold stone bench, the dedication plaque so worn it was nearly unreadable.
You looked around the garden. The variety of flowers were in full bloom as the summer came to a close, each one tended to with great care. It was a sacred place on campus, for everyone. It was where most students had been introduced to the school, the garden being the meeting spot for all campus tours. During both matriculation and graduation, students paraded through it. The flowers were both a beautiful welcome and a bittersweet goodbye to those who chose Piltover for their education. It was impossible not to love it.
You sighed and picked at a patch of lichen on the edge of the bench. Remembering what else you used to do on these early walks, another habit you regretfully fell out of. You dragged your knees up to your chest and pulled your phone from your hoodie pocket. Your fingers were on autopilot as they navigated to your contacts.
It rang only once.
“Good morning Buddy,” Your dad’s voice was warming even through the phone.
“Good morning,” You said, leaning your cheek against your knee, “How are you?”
“I’m good, just getting ready to head out on the boat,” You could hear him shuffling around as he spoke. You could picture him, preparing for the day in the kitchen, “How are you? You’re up pretty early.”
“Working on a Sunday? That’s unlike you,” You joked, it was actually very like him, “I fell asleep early last night, couldn't go back to bed.”
“No, actually, not working today,” You heard the front door of your house open and close, “I’m headed out with the guys. The weathers going to be good for some deep fishing, today.”
“Oh good, that’ll be nice. I hope the catch is good,” You were glad he was taking time for himself, “Send me pictures if you get anything cool.”
“Of course buddy,” He laughed, you heard his truck start up, “Wait, so you went to bed early on a Saturday night? When did you become so boring?”
You scoffed, “Excuse me, are you mad that I am a responsible adult?”
“That’s not what I said!” He assured you.
“Yeah sure,” You rolled your eyes but smiled anyways, “Besides, it was friday night that I was out until three in the morning, rest assured I am certainly not boring.”
“Hm, okay,” He was quiet for a moment, “You’re making good decisions, I hope? Staying safe.”
You groaned at the implications of his words, embarrassed that they weren't actually that far off. He didn’t need to know that, though.
“Yes Dad, I am making perfectly fine decisions,” You half lied to him.
“Good to know. I’m too young to be a grandfather.”
“Ew,” You fake gagged, “Don’t say stuff like that.”
He laughed on the other end. It had been a week and a half since you saw him last, but you already missed the sound of him laughing, “How was your first week of classes?”
“Good,” You told him, “So far at least. I mean, it's the first week and I already have a good amount of homework to do, which sucks, but I think I can handle it.”
“Yeah, you’ve got this, though,” He assured you, never not confident in your abilities, “You always do. What classes are you taking again?”
“I have two envi-sci classes right now, one with a lab, a chemistry class with a lab, and I’m taking an Asian American Lit class, to keep myself from going crazy in the science building.” You told him, thinking about your particularly heavy science schedule, “I’m trying to switch chemistry classes, though. There's a smaller class with a…better professor. Not that my current professor is bad, it’s just that Heimerdinger is, like, the best professor here. I’d like to take at least one class with him. I’m on the waiting list.”
“Sounds like a good schedule. I’m glad you're taking a non-science class, it’ll be good for your brain,” He told you, “And I’ll cross my fingers you get into that class you want.”
“Thanks, I appreciate it.” You laughed, at this point you didn’t have much hope for getting in, but you could always try next semester.
“Hey, has your mom talked to you?” The question made you groan.
“No, why?” You didn’t particularly want to talk to her, not since her 2nd remarriage last summer.
“She called the other day and asked if she could have you for Christmas this year?” He was treading carefully, “I think you should.”
‘What? No way,” You answered immediately, offended at the idea that you would want to do that, “First of all, I’m not 15 anymore, neither of you get to have me, I can decide where I want to go for breaks. And second, Why would I want to spend break in Arizona with her child groom and his infant children?”
He was, clearly, not a child groom. Paul was 35, but in comparison to your mother’s age- 45- he might as well be a teenager. His kids weren’t infants either, 9 & 14, but, again, they might as well have been.
“Hey, I know, I trust you to make your own decisions, but I also know that you’ve developed a lot of anger recently with your mom,” He sighed, “I don’t want you to have a bad relationship with her your whole life, it’s not healthy.”
“Really milking those two years of psychology undergrad, huh,” You joked bitterly. Your dad would have been the best therapist in the world if he had finished school. Your surprise arrival put an end to that half dream instantly. He never resented you for it.
“I’m serious, buddy,” His voice was calm, urging you to be open, “It wouldn’t have to be for the whole break, just a couple days around Christmas. If you want to spend the rest of the time here with me you can, obviously. Just think about it?”
“Fine…I’ll think about it,” You pouted, he could convince you of anything, “But no promises.”
“Thank you, sorry for springing this on you right now.” You could hear chatter somewhere behind him, he was probably at the docks by now.
“It’s okay, sorry for being a brat about it,” You laughed softly.
“You’d be nothing without your attitude,” He teased, in the background you could hear someone calling his name.
“I get it from you,” That wasn’t entirely true, you and him both knew it, “But hey, I’ll let you go, sounds like you’re needed.”
“Yeah, the guys just showed up,” He admitted, “I can tell them to wait for a bit though if you want to keep talking?”
“Nah, it’s okay,” You insisted, checking the time, “I should probably go, anyways. Me and Lest are gonna go work on homework in a bit.”
“Okay, no problem,” He told you, you wished you could talk to him all day, you wished you were going fishing with him, “I’m proud of you, buddy, and I love you so much.”
“Love you too, Dad,” You said, trying to hold back tears, “Have fun out there, be safe.”
“Always am. Tell Lest I say hello for me, Love you.” He let you hang up the phone.
You wrapped your arms around your legs and buried your head in your knees, unable to hold back the sobs. You let yourself cry. You didn’t think this was how you’d start your morning, but it was fine. Almost cathartic in a way, to let yourself be sad about something as childish as missing your dad who was only a day. You knew it was fine and very normal, but it still felt immature. Regardless, you let yourself cry until Lest finally texted you.
-------
The rest of the day was just as unexpected. When you headed back to your dorm Lest had just started to get ready. You laid in your bed, scrolling through your phone until she was ready. In the hour or so it took her to shower, get dressed, and gather her school work, the weather took a drastic change. You had wanted to lay out on the quad and do work, but the soft sunny sky was full of clouds now, all threatening rain. Instead, you and Lest headed to the small coffee shop on campus. Here it was much harder to focus. You camped out at a table in the corner, despite this everyone who knew you or her came over to chat. Meaning the amount of work you finished was…disappointing, to say the least.
Then, due to the cafe's short Sunday hours, you had to relocate once again. At the overly polite requests of the baristas, you packed up and hauled off to the library. You wished you had come here in the first place. It was pretty much vacant this time of day and you and Lest set up in the quiet section, assuring no one would bother you even if they wanted to. Workflow was steady now, you managed to knock out one assignment after another. In the quiet of the library you were even able to focus on your textbook readings enough to take notes.
As the afternoon began to turn to evening and the library began to fill up, you were finally in the home stretch. Lest was on her last set of practice questions for her math class and you had one more reading and a chemistry practice test to do. You’d probably be back to your room within the hour. You opened up the practice test, determined to get everything done.
It was harder than you had expected. Some of the questions were fairly basic, things you knew from level one and even highschool chemistry, and there were a few that took a little effort but were fresh in your head from last semester. Almost half the questions, though, were questions that were completely foreign to you. You could make out bits and pieces of it in your brain. Some questions gently touched by your previous professors and others that you could make shaky assumptions on. You tried to remind yourself that this was a practice test for a reason, but the shitty score you knew would show at the end still bothered you. In the end you got 65%.
You opened up your email to check for submission confirmation before moving on to the reading. A recent message at the top of the box made you pause. You read it quickly once, twice, three times.
“I’m off the waitlist,” You told Lest, flinching when someone at a nearby table shushed you.
“What?” She whispered, leaning closer to see your laptop.
“I’m off the waitlist for chem,” You whispered back, opening up the class portal and accepting the offer.
“I thought you were in a chem class already?” She raised an eyebrow at you.
“Yeah, but I got into the class with the professor I actually want,” You explained, wishing you could be more excited than the setting allowed.
“Oh, that's…good,” You could tell she didn’t quite get it, but wanted to be happy for you anyways.
“Yes, it’s very good,” You laughed, pushing your chair away from the table, “and as a reward, I’m gonna go piss.”
“Babe, please don’t give yourself a UTI because you only pee after academic success,” Lest jokingly begged, rubbing the space between her eyebrows.
You couldn’t hold back a laugh as you walked away from the table, ignoring the dirty looks from other tables. You were thrilled, a class with Heimerdinger genuinely opened up a world of connections. He knew scientists in every field all over the world. Of course, as the dean of the science department, he was willing to help any student make connections, but it was definitely easier if you were in his class. You were so happy about this, you didn’t mind that the practice test you just spent an hour on was for a class you were about to drop.
You pulled out your phone, shooting off a text to your dad.
Got into the class I wanted! Thx 4 crossing ur fingers
He responded immediately.
Yay… that’s great, happy for you… wanna see the catch today?
You shook your head at the ellipses habit he refused to break. Such an old man.
TY!!! Yes obvi. Fish Now.
He sent back a photo of himself and one of the older guys he fished with holding an impressively sized mahi mahi.
Omg mahi this late in the szn is craaazzyyy, very jealous
You couldn’t help the pang of sadness that bloomed in your chest. Missing your dad intensely for the second time that day.
Yeah, me and the guys were surprised for sure…I got go, talk to you later?
Oki!
Love you Buddy
Love u toooo
You slammed into someone in your distraction as you hit send. The apology coming out of your mouth only made it halfway, your mind and body freezing up at the flash of chestnut hair and pale skin above you.
“Woah, watch it.” The guy, who you realized a second later was not in fact Pretty Boy, snapped at you.
“Sorry,” Your voice came out like a squeak, you cleared your throat, speaking louder, “Sorry, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, it’s…uh it’s fine,” Not Pretty Boy said, looking down at you oddly, “Are you okay?”
You realized you were staring at him, studying all the ways in which he wasn’t Pretty Boy. Too stocky, face too round, hair too long, eyes a dull green.
“Uh, yeah. I’m fine, sorry,” You shook your head, stepping past him as you apologized again.
You hurried off to the restroom, face burning as you locked yourself into a stall. You had managed to keep him out of your head all day. You dressed without looking at the marks he left behind, you kept your mind busy with work and thoughts of your family situation, you barely even acknowledged the fact that you had a body.
And now after all that work, here you were, unable to think about anything besides him. You groaned and thumped your head against the stall door, knowing he’d be inescapable for the rest of the night.
You stared at your hand on your leg, fingers digging into the bruises under your jeans. You had set your book down for the hundredth time, barely halfway through the reading, distracted again. Every time you tried to read the words on the page, you wouldn’t get far. Unable to process any of the information you were looking at. It all felt like a different language. You could feel his hands pressing into your legs, his lips on your neck, accent in your ears.
Something hitting your forehead made you jump, startling you out of the daydream.
“Earth to struggling student,” Lest whispered, crumpling another sticky note and launching it at you.
You swatted the yellow paper away, frowning at her, “What?”
“Girl, where have you been this weekend?” Lest hissed, leaning across the table, eyebrows furrowed, “You’ve been weird ever since Jayce’s party. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” You shrugged.
“Okay, liar,” She deadpanned, rolling her eyes, “What’s up?”
“Nothing!” You insisted, rifling the pages of your book.
She stared at you, blink her big eyes expectantly. At this point, she wasn’t going to give up.
“I hooked up with someone at the party” You muttered, not looking at her.
“What?” She gasped, ignoring the looks from other tables. She stood and took the seat next to you, pulling her chair close and leaning in, “When?”
“When I went to wash my top in the garage,” You told her, chewing on your lip, “I wasn’t exactly smoking alone,”
“Oh my god!” She squeaked, eyes wide, “You fucked someone in Jayce and Cait’s garage??”
“Shhh,” You placed a palm over her mouth, worried about wandering ears, “Be quiet, I don’t need the whole student body to know.”
She just blinked at you over the top of your hand, waiting.
“Yeah, in the garage,” You could feel your face getting hot.
“Did you guys… like, get a home run? Or only make it to 3rd base?” She raised an eyebrow.
“What are you? 12?” You scoffed, glancing sideways as you told her, “...home run.”
“Good girl!” She punched you lightly on the arm, “Wait, that’s why you’ve been so spacy? You’ve been thinking about your little garage escapade all weekend?”
“Lest, you don't get it,” You insisted, “It was, like, amazing. Quite possibly the best sex I have ever had in my entire life. Like, honeymoon waited until marriage but somehow still perfect at it kind of sex.”
“No way,”
“Yes way, bitch,” You said, raising your eyebrows at her, “yes fucking way.”
“Damn…” She stared down at the table, then quirked her head to the side, “Who?”
There it was, the reason you hadn’t told her as soon as it happened.
“Um, well…” You hesitated. Lest narrowed her eyes at you, you could see her mind scrolling the list of possibilities. You cringed, “I don’t exactly know.”
Lest gaped at you, “What?”
“We were both high,” You admitted sheepishly, “And kind of caught up with other things. Names didn’t come up.”
“Are you crazy?”
“He was nice!” You defended, “Like, so fucking nice.”
“That is so dangerous!” She scolded, more concerned than mad, “Did you use a condom?”
“Christ, Lest, of course,” You rolled your eyes, “I’m not dumb.”
“I know, but you said you were high,” She shrugged, “Just wanted to make sure I didn’t need to find a way to squeeze a crib into our dorm.”
“Twenties pregnancy is no joke,” You told Lest, trying to hold your face straight as long as you could before the corners of your mouth cracked upwards.
“Damn, so great sex guy is anonymous,” She sighed, “That’s kind of a bummer. He goes here right?”
“He said he did,” You told her, “That’d be an odd thing to lie about, right?”
“Yeah, well, maybe you’ll see him at another party?” She said, hopeful.
“Yeah, maybe,” You sighed, “I don’t know, it was so good I almost don’t want to do it again.”
“That makes zero sense,” she scrunched her nose.
“I mean, I fucked this guy once for, like, an hour.” You explained, “And he is all I’ve been able to think about for the past two days. Do I really want to do this again?”
“Well, if you make it a habit,” She offered.
“I don’t know,” You sighed, shaking your head, “It sucks, but I think it’s better if it doesn't happen again. I don’t think my grades could handle it.” You waved the book you had tried and failed to read for the past hour.
“Skill issue.” She shrugged, shutting her laptop, “Do you have to finish that reading tonight? I wanna get dinner.”
“Uh, thanks Lest, very cool,” You scoffed, rolling your eyes at her joke, “And I’m not going to be able to anyways. I’ll finish it before class tomorrow.”
“Okay good,” Lest said, standing and stretching her arms over her head, “I’ll get us Thai if you promise details.”
“Hm, you know, I’m not against trading my secrets for pad thai and mango rice,” You laughed, packing your stuff up.
Clasping her hands together she determined, “This is, like, better than Love Island.”
You just scoffed, shaking your head at her.
-------
As thrilled as you were to be taking Heimerdinger's class, there was one tiny drawback. It was your first and only seven am. You had managed four whole semesters of not having to be in a class until at least nine. That was very much on purpose, because dragging yourself out of bed at five in the morning was not your idea of a good start to the day.
As much as you wanted to skip past your first alarm and show up to class unshowered and in sweatpants, you figured that wasn’t the most professional first impression to make on the dean. So you got up like a good student. You took your time getting ready and double checking that you had everything you’d need for your two classes of the day, preferring to not haul back to the dorm between them. You had correctly calculated enough time to stop at the cafe on the way to grab coffee with a higher caffeine content than what you could make in your room.
There were quite a few seven am classes available, but given that you were over 30 minutes early, the halls of the science building were still fairly deserted. A few offices were lit up and some classrooms had TAs setting up for the day, but not much student presence yet. When you found the room the schedule had directed you to, you were pleased to see it was empty. It’d be easier to talk to who you considered the most intimidating professor on campus without an audience.
The classroom was small, but you knew the lab attached through a door at the back would be much bigger. Professor Heimerdinger was sitting behind the desk at the front, fidgeting with the desktop computer. You knocked on the doorframe to get his attention.
“Good morning Professor Heimerdinger,” You greeted, stepping partially into the room as you told him your name, “I was on the waitlist until last night, I wasn’t sure if they told you I had moved off of it.”
“Oh! Good morning, dear,” He beamed from under his impressively large mustache, moving away from the computer, “Yes, it was mentioned that there may be a change in the roster. I’m glad you were able to move up from the waitlist. Welcome.”
“Thank you,” You smiled, you had never been in the same room as the esteemed man, only ever seen him give speeches or in passing around campus, you walked over to his desk, “I’m also glad to be here, I’ve been looking forward to taking one of your classes. I’ve heard great things.”
“That’s very kind of you to say,” He walked around his desk and extended a hand up towards you. Due to his short stature you had to bend just slightly at the waist to return the gesture, “I’m glad to have you in class, your name is familiar. Are you acquaintances with Mr. Jayce Talis, by chance?”
You knew Jayce had been lucky enough to score Heimerdinger as his advisor and close mentor, you were surprised he had mentioned you, though.
“Yes, actually, Jayce is a very close friend of mine,” You told him, trying to hide a nervous laugh, “Has he been speaking of me?”
“Only good things, my dear,” He said, picking up on your anxiety, “I assure you.”
“Good to know,” You laugh, hoping it wasn’t too loud in the small space, “Thank you, again, I am really grateful for the opportunity to be in your class.”
“Well of course,” He told you, moving back around his desk as he spoke, “Have you been able to acquire the reading materials for the class?”
“I ordered the textbook last night,” You explained, “I should have it by the end of the week. I’m sure I can borrow a copy from a classmate for the time being.”
“No need, I have an extra copy you are welcome to use until yours arrives,” He pulled a dense book from under his desk, “It’s an earlier edition, though, so just be sure that you read the correct sections.”
“Thank you, I appreciate it,” You took the worn book, he also handed you a printed syllabus, “Was there reading for today? I could try to get some of it done before class starts.”
“Last week’s schedule became a little jumbled due to my being under the weather, so the first reading is due next class, if you would like to review the syllabus and schedule before class, you will be all caught up,” He explained. You couldn’t describe the relief this gave you, “We only met for one class last week, so you aren’t behind, but the class has already been divided into groups for the semester. I apologize that you were not here for the grouping. I allow students to choose who they work with, so if you see someone you know feel free to join their group.”
“Okay, thank you.” You nodded and turned to find a seat.
As Heimerdinger returned back to his computer, you set up in the corner of the room. The syllabus was fairly basic, but gave a good explanation of the Professor’s expectations. You were sure this wasn’t going to be an easy class, but you were also sure you’d enjoy the challenge. The only thing that was making you anxious was the fact that none of the students that showed up were familiar to you. You watched as the clock ticked closer and closer to seven, your knee bouncing under the table. You tried to distract yourself by skimming through the borrowed textbook, settling on a random section to pass the time with.
You were halfway through the chapter about asymmetric oxidation and reduction when a newer copy of the book was dropped on the table in front of you with a bang. You jumped, looking up in surprise.
“Hey stranger,” Jinx smirked down at you, nodding at your book,“Pretty impressive reading pace you’ve got there.”
“Jinx!” You stood, wrapping your arms around her, “I didn’t know you were in this class.”
“Ekko is too, he’ll be here in a minute,” She told you as you settled into your seats, the room was busy now, “Were you on the waitlist?”
“Yeah, this class was a bitch to get into,” You frowned, then realized something, “Wait, how did you get in? You’re a sophomore this year right? This is an upperclassmen class.”
She laughed sheepishly, shrugging, “Ha, well you know, nepotism isn't always bad.”
“No way, Silco got you in? You lucky bitch,” You gasped, but were not surprised that her dad, who happened to be a well respected professor in the business program, had managed to get her into a higher level class.
“Yeah, and Ekko,” She pulled the rest of her things from her bag, blowing a strand of freshly dyed blue hair out of her face, “You should have told me, I could have gotten you in, too.”
“Sorry, friend nepotism didn’t cross my mind,” You laughed, waving at Ekko as he walked into the room, “I’ll keep it in mind for next time, though.”
“Always got your back, babe,” Jinx gave an over exaggerated smile, all teeth.
Ekko slid into the seat next to Jinx, setting a coffee cup down in front of her, “Hey, where were you last week?” He laughed, extended a fist out for you to bump.
“Still on the waitlist,” You laughed, pulling out your things as other students began to settle into their seats.
“Glad you're here,” He told you, “You wanna be part of our group right?”
“Yes please,” You said with exaggerated begging,“I was worried I’d have to join people I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, there’s a reason I drag him into every class I take,” Jinx laughed, jerking her thumb over to Ekko.
“Yeah, I’m sure the fact that I always give you my notes has nothing to do with it,” He raised an eyebrow at her.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” She stuck her nose up in the air, giving him a side eye.
You couldn’t help but to laugh at them, their large personalities combined to make one big ball of loud and colorful and smart. You had spent a lot of your free time during your summer research with them. Jinx had convinced you to join their little band and you three terrorized the others with very loud and not so great music playing. You were excited to be in class with them. Looking around, though, you noticed that all the other groups consisted of at least three people, some of them even holding five.
“Are you guys a group of two?” You tilted your head, it would be odd for the Professor to let them do that in a class that seemed to be very group focused.
“What? Oh, no there’s three of us,” Ekko told you, “I don’t know if you’ve met him yet. It’s Jayce’s new roommate, Viktor. I don’t know why he isn’t here yet.”
You laughed, part of you still wondering if this was some insane joke that everyone was really really dedicated to, “Haven't met him, yet, but I’ve heard of him plenty of times.”
“Wasn’t he at the party on Friday?” Jinx asked, “He said Jayce had convinced him to go.”
“Jayce kept saying he was there, but I never ran into him,” You shrugged, “I’m still not convinced he’s real.”
“Yeah, you got us,” Jinx said, dead serious, “He isn’t real.”
“Wait what?” You side eyed her.
“Also we wrote gullible on the ceiling,” She rolled her eyes, you resisted the urge to look up, “Viktor is very real, I promise. He’s super smart too, like, almost as smart as me.”
“Always humble, babe,” Ekko said, patting Jinx on the arm, “Always humble.”
Class began then, Heimerdinger calling everyone's attention to the front of the room. You settled into the flow of it pretty quickly. You weren’t surprised that he managed to be an engaging professor. You’d sat through plenty of his speeches and presentations over the past two years, and never for a second did you find yourself bored during them. He gave a quick overview of what the next couple of weeks were going to look like and then passed around paper practice tests. You were a little disappointed to have to do another one.
This test ended up being somewhat easier than the one you had taken last night, only a few of the questions really escaped you. You could tell this was a test meant to gauge how much the class knew as opposed to how much they didn’t. You had just flipped to the last page when the door to the classroom opened. As much as you wanted to keep your eyes down and not contribute to the awkward stares you were sure everyone was already giving, instinct kicked in and you couldn't help but to glance up.
You froze.
There was no way.
This was not happening.
You blinked a few times, mouth hanging open as you watched Pretty Boy lean over Heimerdinger's desk, speaking too quiet for you to hear with an apology written all over his face. Your heart dropped all the way down to the center of the earth, your lungs dried out and you felt like your head was under waves.
When Pretty Boy turned around, his perfect amber eyes immediately landed on yours. Freezing, his eyes widened slightly in an expression you were sure was identical to yours. Poorly hidden horror. You looked away, eyes dropping to your paper, the grip around your pencil was tight enough to turn your knuckles white. You could hear him walking straight for your table, cane tapping along with his footsteps.
You furrowed your eyebrows at the table. Why was he coming this way? There were plenty of other seats. Was now the time to confront you? In the quietest classroom imaginable. He slid into the seat next to you.
“Hey Viktor,” Jinx whispered, glancing up before going back to her test.
Viktor. He was Viktor. Pretty Boy was the roommate you were convinced didn’t exist. The one you had just told Jinx you had never met. The reality that you had, in fact, met him very intimately was crashing down around you. You raced back through your memory, all the little dots that you should have connected immediately snapped together. The music he was listening to, the smoking, that he was even in the garage in the first place, the reason you hadn’t recognized him despite being in your year, the fact that you never saw him leave the house.
He fucking lived there. He was Jayce’s roommate. You had fucked Jayce’s roommate.
You could feel his eyes on the side of your face as these thoughts ran through your head. You looked up at him, his closeness making you dizzy, but not in a pleasant way like last time. His face was nearly blank, only the slightest pull to his eyebrows that didn’t give away any of his thoughts. You had never felt the desire to know what someone else was thinking, not really, not until this very moment.
Not knowing what to do, you let out a shaky breath and went back to your paper. The room was too quiet to speak to him, you could do nothing but endure the remaining time it took for everyone to finish their tests and hope you didn’t faint.
You were keenly aware of his presence next to you. Everything was taken up by Pretty Boy. By Viktor. You could feel the heat of his leg close to yours, you could smell the cologne he was wearing. The scratching of his pen as he started the test was the only sound you could hear. You felt like you were going crazy. At this moment you were sure you could have been committed to a state hospital. The words on the page blurred in front of you. You scribbled out incorrect equations a dozen times before Hiemerdinger finally concluded that everyone was done.
“I will review these and adjust our scheduled content accordingly,” He told the class as the tests were passed forward, “As an unplanned reward for enduring my data collection, please talk amongst yourselves while I battle with technology. I will begin today’s lesson as soon as possible.”
“Nice,” Jinx said to herself as chatter started up in the classroom, she turned to Pret- to Viktor, “Dude, where were you?”
“Sorry, I was stuck behind a school bus,” He told her, his accent was less thick than you remember, “it wasn’t a problem last week, I wasn’t prepared.”
“Oh, yeah, school just started this week for little kids,” She nodded, she was lost in thought for a moment, no doubt thinking about picking up Isha from school later. She snapped back to the present and told him your name, “She’s part of the larger group, I’m surprised you haven't met yet.”
His eyes met yours and when he said your name, you could have melted all the way to the ground floor, “It’s nice to meet you, are you…joining our group?”
It took you a moment to realize he was holding a hand out to you. You shook it, trying to be as firm as you could, but you knew your hands were shaking.
“Nice to meet you, too, ” You said, “Um, I can find another group if you-”
“No,” He said, too quickly, “No, that’s not necessary, I’m glad to have you work with us.”
You did your best not to read into that, “Glad to be here.”
“Heimerdinger wanted us to schedule an out of class work time,” Ekko told you, drawing your attention away from Viktor’s face, “We were thinking Friday’s right after class, since we won’t have lab.”
“That works for me,” You nodded, trying to settle into your chair and be casual.
“Cool, I’ll send a calendar invite,” He said, always the proactive one.
“You are friends with Jayce?” Viktor asked, tilting his head at you.
“Yep,” You nodded awkwardly, unsure how to talk to him, “Since freshman year,”
“Hm, interesting.” He mused.
You hated this. It was so uncomfortable and not at all like the last time you had spoken to him. Even aside from the fact that you weren’t fucking, the few words said were clunky and awkward. You were realizing that the drugs and alcohol you had consumed might have had something to do with the ease of conversation. It made you sad. You knew this was stupid. You knew you were being childish. You were an adult, sex shouldn’t be the cause of this unbearable awkwardness. You should be able to talk to someone you hooked up with, without being on the verge of a panic attack. Luckily, Heimerdinger’s technical difficulties came to an end. He drew back everyone's attention and put a halt to your terrible conversation. You turned away from Viktor, facing the front as the intro to advanced ochem lecture began.
The rest of class, thankfully, went smoother than you expected. Your group fell into a good rhythm, working together between bouts of notes to work on practice problems. Viktor was less tense, which let you relax a degree. He was more than willing to help you navigate your textbook, looking over your shoulder to check that you were on the right section. He even helped you find the reading for next class, tearing a piece of paper from his notebook and placing it in the pages. There wasn’t a lab planned for the day, so Heimerdinger continued his lecture well into the scheduled lab time. By the end of the four hours, you had written down almost ten pages of notes. Your hands ached.
“Apologies for the lecture heavy class, everyone. Having to cancel our first class last week meant I needed to catch everyone up” Heimerdinger said as he closed out the presentation, “I promise from here on we will utilize the last two hours as lab time. Have a good rest of your day everyone, I will see you on Wednesday.”
You scooped your things into your bag and slung it over your shoulder, “I’ve gotta get to another class, see ya around.”
You darted out of the door before anyone could reply. Your head was filled with too many thoughts. You took the stairs down, doing your best to organize the mess in your brain. You created a list. First, the things you needed to do, right now. Finish the reading for Asian American Lit, number one. Number two, go to your Asian American Lit class. Then, the things that could wait until after. Telling Lest about Viktor/Pretty Boy dilemma. Though, she would be mad that you didn’t call her at that very moment. Asking Jinx to add you to the group chat, meaning you'd have his number. Yeah, that you could wait on. Then the things you decided could wait forever. Number one, talking to Viktor. It’s all you wanted to do. And at the same time you’d rather spontaneously combust than confront that awkward conversation.
You were free of the overpowering AC of the science building for less than a minute before the task you decided never needed to happen, happened. Against your will, of course.
“Wait up!” Your steps faltered for a second at the sound of Viktor’s voice calling after you. You ignored him, continuing as if you hadn’t heard. He shouted your name, “I know you can hear me!”
You stopped staring at the hot sidewalk for a moment. No. You had somewhere to be, things to do. You shook your head without turning around and kept walking.
“If you take one more step, you’re ableist!” He shouted, out of breath.
You froze and turned slowly to look at him, jaw hanging open, “That is not funny.”
“Got you to stop didn’t it,” He panted, closing the distance between you, he knocked his cane against the side of your calf, “And, I do believe running from a man with a cane can be considered ableist.”
“First of all, I am not running from you,” You lied, looking up at him. You stepped a half inch to the side, using his shadow to block your eyes from the sun, “And second, if I happened to be running from you, it certainly is not because you use a mobility aid.”
“Okay Miss PC,” He rolled his eyes, “Doesn’t matter why, if I deem it ableist, it is.”
You opened your mouth to argue, floundering for what to say. You don’t remember him being this infuriating at the party.
“Exactly,” He said as you snapped your jaw closed.
“Viktor,” You sighed, “What do you want?”
He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, tilting his head at you. He gave a soft laugh, “I have been waiting all weekend to hear you say my name.”
Breathing would have been easier if he punched you. You blinked up at him, watching him watch you.
“I’m sorry, can I…” He looked around, noticing that other students were leaving the building as their classes ended. You two were standing in the dead center of the sidewalk and in the late summer heat his pale cheeks were already turning pink, “Can we just talk for a second, please?”
He didn’t wait for you to respond before he stepped off the main path and began walking into the flower garden. The dry gravel crunched under his shoes as he walked, the sound amplified in your brain as you followed after him. He settled under a latticed arch, the honeysuckle vines that snaked around it shading you both from the midday sun.
“I’m sorry,” You said, frowning at him.
“For what?” He asked, face confused.
For running away. For not asking your name. For leaving. For joining your class.
“I don’t know.” Was all you could manage.
“You know, apologies lose a lot of their value if you don’t know what you're apologizing for,” He narrowed his eyes, voice almost scolding.
“I..I know, I’m sorry.”
“You say sorry too much,” He laughed, shaking his head, he didn’t look upset, “It’s very American of you.”
“Well, I am American,” You pointed out, letting yourself laugh softly with him, “I’m sorry for that too,” You joked.
“Well, let me apologize?” He asked, “I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable in class, it truly was not my intention.”
That was an apology. A real and true apology.
“You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” You shook your head, “Fuck, if anyone had a right to feel weird, it was you.”
He tilted his head in question.
“I mean, it was your class first,” You told him, “I just kinda…showed up.”
“Did you join the class because I was in it?”
“Well, no,” You laughed softly, “How could I have, I didn't even know your name.”
“That’s true,” He scoffed, “I regret that, by the way, I should have asked your name. Not very polite to ask after having sex with someone.”
“Eh, it happens to the best of us,” You shrugged, liking the laugh he gave you in response.
“Well, I am glad I know now,” He told you, eyes moving across his face, he smirked, “It’s a pretty name.”
“Hm, thanks, I like yours quite a lot as well,” You smiled up at him, the step closer he took didn’t go unnoticed, “It suits you, almost as much as Pretty Boy.”
“Thank you,” He smiled down at you, chewing on the inside of his cheek.
“What?” You could tell there was something else he wanted to say.
“Can I take you out?” He asked, taking a nervous breath, “I know we kinda did this in a backwards manner, but I…you are very interesting to me, I would like to take you out properly.”
Your stomach twisted. Your chest felt like it was caving in.
“No,” You said, head shaking slightly as you offered a sad smile. The unexpected hurt that flashed in his eyes killed you.
“Oh, um,” He stumbled over his words, clearly taken aback by your refusal, he tried to step away, “Okay.”
“Hey wait,” You reached out, grabbing his wrist before you could escape, “Listen, it’s not you.”
He narrowed his eyes at you, begging you not to embarrass him any further with a cliche line.
“Really, I swear,” You urged, not letting go until he stepped back towards you, “I just… I don’t date classmates. I don’t sleep with classmates. Even if I want to. It causes problems, it makes class awkward, and I can’t risk my GPA just because I find someone attractive.”
He hummed to himself, nodding as he took in your words.
“So…” He reached out, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear, the same way he did when you were straddling his lap, “You’re saying you find me attractive?”
You resisted the urge to lean into his palm, instead you grabbed his wrist and pulled his lingering hand away from your face, “Don’t do that.”
“I’m confused, you’ve already slept with me? So what does it matter?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at you. He was so fucking handsome you wanted to scream.
“Because, at the time, we weren’t classmates.” You explained like it was obvious.
“Okay, so let me get this straight, you will be in a relationship - sexual or romantic - with someone as long as they aren't an active classmate?” He asked, lip curling up in confusion, “But if they were a past classmate, or in our case, a future classmate, it's fine?”
“Exactly,” You shrugged, “I think that’s perfectly reasonable.”
“That’s actually very unreasonable.” He told you, “And also does not make much sense to me.”
“Well, good thing it’s a rule for myself.” You huffed, “You don’t have to understand, you just have to respect it.”
“So, if we were in separate classes, would you go out with me?” He asked.
“Probably, yes.” You admitted.
“But not now, because we are in the same class.”
“Yes, exactly.”
“So, if I ask you when the class is over, you’d say yes?” He leaned towards you, probing.
“Maybe.” You shrugged, “Who’s to say you won’t hate me by the end of the semester?”
“Well, considering you seem to be friends with the only people I know at this school, that would be rather unfortunate.” His voice lowered at the end, he was closer to you know. Very much within kissing distance. Right now there was nothing more you wanted than to feel his lips against yours. You know they’d be cool in comparison to the stagnant summer air.
You didn’t. Instead, you took a step back, and shoved your hand out into the distance between you, “Friends and classmates? Can you do that?” You asked, he studied your hand like the offer was written on it, then sighed.
“Fine, I can respect your rules,” He took your hand in his, firm and strong and cold, “Friends and classmates…for now.”
He moved his index finger softly across the inside of your wrist as he held your hand, goosebumps sprinting up your arm. You carried that feeling with you for the rest of the day.
#viktor x reader#viktor#viktor arcane#viktor smut#arcane#arcane college au#arcane modern au#jayce talis#mel medarda#caitlyn kiramman#vi#sky young#lest#lest arcane#transfem lest#house party fic#college au#fanfiction#fic#writing#my writing#Sit Next To Me Before I Go#cw: drug and alcohol use#viktor x female!reader#reagan writes
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It sure has been a Year huh. Ups and downs this month, as life happens. Saw friends I haven't seen in years, went into the city and met new friends, tried new foods, saw some birds, tried new crafts, read new books.
The Fireborne Blade by Charlotte Bond ⭐️⭐️⭐️ - Hm! Interesting! Didn't hate it, but something feels missing? Almost like it could've benefited from being at the very least a short novel. It needed more. I also have qualms at this being pitched as sapphic when there is no romance at all and the main character talks a lot about being betrayed by her last romance with a man. One mention of Woman With Hot Thighs. Not mad I read it, might even read it again.
That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Demon by Kimberly Lemming ⭐️⭐️ ‐ I'll be honest, one star is Mean but I had a lot more fun reading Fourth Wing and that was two stars. The tone is what dragged this one down for me. It reads like YA, but it's very much not. I do not believe for a second the MC is 24, she doesn't act like it at all. The sex scenes. Are there. I could make an entire post about the book ending on them having penetrative PiV sex. Part of my grievances are me not liking the genre, but I truly think this just isn't that good. Plenty of people on the internet write better more filthy works for free. Why was this sitting unassumingly on the library shelf.
*amended to two stars if this is indeed satire
The Dead Cat Tail Assassins by P Djèlí Clark ⭐️⭐️⭐️ - Fine. Not much to say because it was Completely Average. Not mad I read it, but don't wish to repeat the experience. I think maybe Clark isn't an author for me, as I recall feeling similarly about A Master of Djinn. It's not so much that the characters or world feel flat, but something definitely feels missing. It was silly and lighthearted and gory and I did like that though!
The Spellshop by Sarah Beth Durst ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - Another hit from Sarah Beth Durst. I see your Themes. I see your Tropes. Kindness. Found family. Accepting help. All personal attacks on me. Adorable, fun, some sort of cross between T Kingfisher and Becky Chambers, I didn't want it to end, and now have a name for my spider plant. It also seems like I need to get my spider plant a friend.
The Woods All Black by Lee Mandelo ⭐️⭐️ - I have very mixed feelings about this that are really summarized as This Wasn't For Me. I like the idea that yeah you're a monster but someone loves you anyway. I like using the monster to punish those who called you one. I think there's some very specific midwestern religious trauma that I'm missing to really Get It, though. On top of that, while I recognize the themes and significance in the age gap, a 30 year old going after an 18 year old icks me out. I'd still recommend it with very very heavy reservations.
The Spare Man by Mary Robinette Kowal ⭐⭐ - Going to be honest, I just finished this and I'm already moving on. The writing was fine and I'm not put off of the author entirely, but I never felt wowed. I was annoyed more than anything. I didn't love any of the characters, but I didn't really hate anyone either. The amount of people Tesla let pet her service dog drove me nuts. The ending felt slapped together. It never really felt cohesive. I feel vindicated reading that fans of her other books also were unimpressed with this. I wouldn't steer people away from it, but I didn't have a lot of fun.
I'm tentatively excited for February. I have art ideas I'd like to get started on, I am working on a craft thing that I might be able to profit a bit off of, I'm flat out ignoring the world, book club is approaching. I'm looking for good things in the world, and I will find them. That is a threat.
#bookbird babbles#books#booklr#reading wrap up#monthly wrap up#i dont want to Talk About It because i dont want to look back on these posts and be Reminded#but oof. i dont want to say anything good has come out of it#but ive been more adventurous in Doing Things#normally if i want to go out and be social#even if im really excited about it#im also so so scared and my brain constantly tries to get me to cancel#but in the last six weeks ive made three (3) outing plans and just. did them.#no trying to back out i just. did them.#idk whats going on there in my brain but im not going to question it right now lmao#theyve been good distractions#if you got me out of the house thank you sincerely thank you#january wrap up
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I have a Victoria Neuman request where Victoria is only using the reader at first due to the reader's father being a really influential figure especially in politics so dating the reader would give her access to more connections but overtime Victoria realizes that she's in love with the reader and fully comes to the realization while they're having sex.
content: victoria using reader for personal gain, nb reader, a touch of angst, victoria accidentally falling in love and not knowing how to deal with it
As your body writhed under hers, hot skin pressed into her center, Victoria was struck by a sudden realization that paused her.
She stared down at you, puzzeling over your face as it contorted with rising pleeasure. Frozen under the weight of her thoughts, she sat straddeling your lap, taking you in.
Seeing you for the first time.
When had it changed? When had she come to see this more than just free sex? When had she come to care about you?
It started out simply, as most things did. Victoria needed more political influence, and who better to gain that influence with than by dating you? She had done as much work as she could on her end, but she was missing a crucial key to gaining more power.
But she didn't want to be on her knees for some elderly old man. No, if she had to be on her knees for anyone she rathered it be someone young, and attractive.
The fact that you were naive was only an added bonus.
Seducing you into experimenting with the fairer sex was all too easy. A few carefully crafted situations, with some choice words, and you were wrapped around her finger.
Dating you was a bit harder, if only because she had to keep up the charade: pretending to care for you while subtly using you to get your father to chance his perspective on bills in congress that she needed passed.
And it had worked like a charm.
Victoria had got what she wanted. She was going to break up with you. It was the sensible thing to do since she no longer needed your father's influence, able to do what she wanted now.
She told herself she would wait a few weeks to not make it suspicious, then make up some excuse that she could no longer date you because of a conflict of interest.
You surely wouldn't be happy but she wouldn't care, is what she told herself. And now here she was, in bed with you once more.
"Are you okay?" you asked her, voice husky with lust. You sat up, running a hand down her face.
Victoria jerked herself to, not realizing that she had been frozen for a while now. "I'm fine," she answered, though she did not feel fine. There was a tenderness in her heart, that hadn't been before. And she hated how she had noticed it.
"You don't look fine. Did I do something?" you asked and she chuckled, trying to shake off the realization she had come to. While you'd been spread out under her, your skin soft and flushed, your mouth breathing out her name, she'd known she'd fallen in love with you.
She didn't know when it had happened. In between all the dates at expensive restaurants, between glasses of wine, laughing at incompetent politics, or in the soft quiet moments as you lay by each others side?
She had been focused on her career, and on using you to further it. How could she have fallen for you?
This wasn't supposed to be the plan. This wasn't supposed to happen. This changed everything.
You wiped at her eyes. "You're crying."
"Am I?" she asked, in disbelief. She was torn between laughing and lamenting her fate. How cruel for her to be ensnared like this. When had you enchanted her? Was it with your smile? With your unflinching kindness?
"Was it work?" you asked, pure concern in your eyes.
She shook her head.
"I'm tired, I think." Victoria knew it was the easy way out, but she didn't feel like speaking about this with you.
"I'll make you something warm to drink," you told her and slipped out of the bed, grabbing a robe as you went. She watched you going, biting down on her bottom lip.
She was screwed, wasn't she?
She had too many enemies to make it a smart idea to fall for you. But she had fallen in love regardless and now she would have to account for that. In the meantime, she should enjoy her time with you and unpack her feelings in the morning. She rose up and grabbed her robe before joining you in the kitchen.
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It's my first time seeing DPS shifter!! That movie is such a comfort for me (I know haha). I even got matching tattoos with my sibling based off of it with "Make your lives extraordinary". I would love to hear you talk more about it if you're comfortable with that. Do you maybe have any stories from that DR? Do you have an S/O there or made it different from the source material?
Hi :) I actually got a similar ask, asking about my dps society, it got lost in the drafts.
(I hope that person sees this)
(What fun boys they are)
My dead poets society dr
It was mostly based on the source material but a special someone does not die. Also I couldn't fit a girl in an all boys school, nor did I wanted to, so I went in as male.
It also took place in 1989, I wasn't going back that far.
I love Neil Perry, I wasn't going to leave him alone so we ended up as roommates, and adjusted Todd with Knox.
My S/O was my unassuming Neil Perry (ofc)
I actually have a lot to talk about, but I'm just going to break down how each character was like, kind of like a storytime which could fit in one post (if you're unsatisfied, you can always ring my inbox again, even disguise yourself by changing your tone of writing a bit)
Neil Perry
I'd like to say, this guy has no object permeance. If he get's excited then he becomes a literal hazard. One time, he pulled me so harshly by my wrist, to the point of dislocating my shoulder. disclaimer, he will vent out to you all night long if he's upset, not realizing it's 3am and you both have classes tomorrow, and you can barely keep your eyes open. Otherwise he's really sweet, and nice class participation as well. (idk why i mentioned that)
Todd Anderson
Todd, even though he claims "he can take care of himself", he can't. He's always lost, and childishly likes to ignore social cues. He's actually very gullible, at least with me. Other than that, for no reason at all, i'd sneak into his room to read his personal diary; like it was simply an interesting novel and not an invasion of someone's privacy, he wrote about every single social interaction he had that day.
Charlie Dalton
CHARLIE, CHARLIE, CHARLIE. other than his usual obnoxiousness (as seen in the media) he will get serious when required, personally for me, he had been the person I could tell ANYTHING to. He's responsible for writing inappropriate words in the bathroom stalls (this is the dr where i removed urinals, because excuse you, i am not man-ing like this; instead there were stalls) Sleeps with his mouth open, hits on every breathing things, but doesn't have interest in anyone.
Mr. Keating
I ASPIRE to be this man. Honestly throughout the lectures, when they took a weird turn, i was very much the "I'd like to be excluded from this narrative" type of guy.
He would never get mad if any of the student were to visit him, no matter the time, whether it was late at night, he never got mad at all!
I ended up having an entire convo on the multiverse with him, and he agreed and patted me on the back, saying "you're onto something, pal."
...
This was getting long, but tbh I enjoyed writing this (this had been in my drafts for weeks) im pretty sure their are only a handful of dps shifters, a handful of people shifting for THE BEST MEDIA EVER.
i get that your ask, requested a storytime, and this isn't that, i'm sure i'll make one, that'll actually be in the form of a story.
(also of course, some people are left out, will come to them later ..?)
...
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happy new years 2025! it's been nearly a whole year since I started posting about fluffyriceshipping here, and my art has changed a lot since then! what better way to start the new year than with some sweet potatoes with their partners 🍠🌅
#kagarts#champion lance#lance pokemon#trainer riley#stat trainer riley#dragonite#lucario#dratini#pokemon hgss#pokemon dppt#fluffyriceshipping#🐉🍚🌊#trying a light noise filter + watermark with my fish! better precautions for the future...hopefully!#happy one year of fluffyrice! i think about these guys a lot ever since i posted about them so long ago#and a lot has changed since then! i want to properly compile my thoughts with a visual novel or neocities shrine for them#they're also part of why i'm learning how to use ren'py. these two are making me LEARN how to CODE things because i'm Insane.#on an actual art level though holy hell. i'm understanding colors somewhat. i can draw multiple characters in one scene#art goals this year: try out adopts(?) or merch (??); do more studies; show my original stuff (???); maybe draw some creatures#might put up a interest check for merch to make if anyone is interested? i'll need actual advice for international shipping costs though#i Am still trying to find a job admittedly (which is. not necessarily a fun addition) but i want to make building a portfolio fun somehow#year for trying out new things though! i'll show my site eventually once i get riley's shrine down if people haven't already found it bfdhf
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#mine musings#not tagging etc etc#i just want to ramble (this is about lc)#do people feel like lg's character is incomplete without a backstory?#like a “past” before he met cxs#i feel like it's a nice-to-have thing (wouldn't be opposed to it) but i don't think his character requires it to be fully fleshed out yknow#his character is strongly defined by his role in the narrative because that's how stories work. but like#i do feel like we've learned a lot about him that would've stayed constant even if cxs isn't in his life though#like idk i just don't understand calling him a plot device i guess#like would he be more interesting if it was revealed he got attached to cxs so easily bc he had some kind of unhappy childhood or whatever?#i mean if it's executed well. sure?#personallyyyyyyy i think it's already compelling if he's just like. some guy#he's just some nerdy kid who made a friend and felt grief and loss for the first time and couldn't take it#like. that's compelling to me. unhappy childhood would be interesting too but like. there's nothing wrong with lg being just Some Guy™ imo😭#maybe it's bc i like the idea that lg could be anyone#and what i mean is like. that could be me. that could be you#all it takes is to find a love and friendship you're not willing to let go of. and as S1 has shown many clients have the same regrets#the only difference is that they never had the ability to change the past like lg did#like cxs said in YE1. everyone would want to have the ability to change the past. it's human nature#and i like the idea that the love and grief lg went through isn't something that's unique to him#like obviously it's unique in the sense that he makes it worse for himself with time loops#but like. the love he experienced could also happen to me. could also happen to you#same with the grief#i'm realizing as i'm rambling here that THIS is actually what i love about lg's character#now i kinda wish i didn't hide this in the tags lmao but whatever#i didn't want to invite debates over this and like if director li wants to give him a backstory that's fine#but the way lg is right now. i don't think he's “just a plot device”#and i don't think he's an incomplete character#i'll accept any backstory but god i really wish he stays being just Some Guy who loved and lost and continues to love and lose#because it's human and normal and everyone goes through it
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hello it's part 3 of 3 for my cool fun graphic design adventure!! part 1 and part 2 got too long. to recap i am recreating this t-shirt design but with the magic 8 ball songs instead of city names:
here is the current draft, updated through 3/27 (pittsburgh) (!!!!)
#aaaa!!!#tried doing image descriptions for this one#feel free to send me better ones though and i can update the alt text!! or just put them in the replies/reblogs lol#bees' graphic design adventure#only 7 more shows........ wowie#OH ALSO ppl have been expressing interest in getting this as an actual shirt which is!! cool!!#idk how to do that though!!#if anyone has recommendations for websites or something to do that please please send them or reply to this post or something#at the very least i'll make the file available at the end so ppl can print it on whatever they want#i was gonna make a poster#but yeah let me know if there's a good way to do that!!! it's really cool that people are enjoying this i am having a lot of fun doing it#fob#fall out boy#2ourdust#gonna update after nashville des moines and minneapolis so 3 left!!!#i have already changed it since posting this because i am a freak <3 and i cant leave good enough alone lol#also i now have all the fonts <3 for the cities anyway#not the states but i’ve only used the states a few times so far for like the parentheses or punctuation or whatever#so if i end up needing those ill go find them whatever#anywayyyy yeehaw see u all in like 4 days
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I may have spent more money than I made at Regionals.
#Emile's Arts#Koro-Sensei#Proship Selfship#Proselfship#I will be opening regular commissions soon to pay for my Giant Son#If anyone is interested just stick around I'll get a post up. Eventually.#Casually draws Koro-Sensei cosplaying Volo#I was actually going to have him cosplay Cynthia but no. I think he'd like Volo#I never played that game but he has the Vibe of a Koro-Sensei fave#I bought this Pichu and was immediately stopped by this girl at one of the tables 'Congrats on the Giant Pichu'#To which I held him above my head and half yelled 'BEEG BABIE'#And then we said the word Gay at eachother back and forth maybe six times (I was wearing my home made rainbow shoes)#So yeah. Good times. I had a great time at Regionals#Like unironically it may have been the most fun thing I've ever gone to#That may have to do more with Regulation H than anything else though#It feels SO much like watching a real in-universe Pokemon battle#Sense there's no legendaries#Just Yanmega VS Klefkei and stuff like than#I had an amazing time I dunno when the next Pokemon event I'll be able to go to will be#But thank y'all who commissioned me for helping me afford to go to this one!#More commissions coming soon!
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WIP Game!
Rules: make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs.
Tagged by: @robinainthood (thank you so much I've been wanting to do another one of these since the first one I did and I just got my laptop back so perfect timing! Check out their WIPS here!!)
Fiction
The One Were Kat Gets To Yell At Vergil (DmC)
Catharsis for Someone (TF2)
Retrospect (Samurai Champloo)
Swan Song (DmC)
Tales of Ba Sing Se redux (ATLA/Zutara)
The Mai/Jet dream captivated me (Atla/Mai and Jet)
The Jet Bit (ATLA/Zutara)
The really long Zelda Fic (LoZ/Zelgan)
Playlist for a Three-way with Eve, Lilith, and the Serpent (this is an original poem?)
A bug flew into my ear (this is also an original poem??)
ATLA Champloo (ATLA fic inspired by Samurai Champloo my beloved)
Gweoff Fic 2 Lmao: The Hair Dying One (Total Drama)
The One You Thought of in the Shower Where Snow gets Stuck in a Time Loop (Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes??)
The One where Kat needs to tell Vergil's Parents that he may or may not be dead and may or may not be king of hell also that their sons been a super natural being this whole time an-it's awkward (DmC)
Zutara Playlist Fic (ATLA/Zutara)
A Zelgan Fic I Started Editing About Bath Houses That I May Never Post (LoZ)
the one where Dante wakes up to his hook up cleaning his trailer for no reason and it's weird but she's cute so its fine probably (DmC)
Meta
Eva, Sparda, and the boys
Verat and The Divine
V is Kat theory and some thoughts on Downfall
My Long Running Desire For A Good Samurai Champloo Essay (this is actually 4 separate WIPs so if you want to get real spicy you can specify between: Take 3, An attempt at a conclusion, some points on Journey as Growth, Another misc unit of paragraphs)
Essay no one asked for on spiderverse and grief mostly because I'm obsessed with the black out kingpin causes
Essay no one asked for about why Channel Zero upset me
Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes Meta Post Roulette (i have like 3 of these on the same subject you're just going to get a random part of one of them)
Fics I Answered For Last Time But Am Still Writing
the lost boy fic im still writing because i got angry (Lost Boys) (the bit of WIP i posted last time)
Tagging: Not a person for every WIP I apologize sdfghjk but if you want to do it please tag me I want to see your wips!! Also tagging @thevampireauthoress @ro-blaze @mocosa-media
#fab talks#fabtalks#my wips#please ask me about my wips i might finish them#not featuring the plethora of werewolf related world of warcraft fan fic i have been writing since i am likely to never post that publicly#i just don't think anyone has much interest in my oc's asdfghjk ask if you want though i'll still share this is the secret wip section#for secret werewolf wips asdfghjkl#'how many wips do you have-' way more then this asdfghj these are just ones i'd like to post when they're done dfghjk maybe#MAYBE#the zelgan one at the end is a toss up dfghjk
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i spent all yesterday making a semi-realistic slugcat base. i used sphinx cats as a reference, so they’re pretty cat like here
i imagine they hold themselves different than an actual cat though, plus more robust shoulders for bipedal-ism
this is the survivor btw :) i think i’ll do monk next
#pinemartart#rain world#rain world downpour#rw downpour#slugcat#rw survivor#rain world survivor#I SWEAR I'LL FINISH MY OTHER DRAWINGS I JUST. um. looks at my 21 hours in terraria this past week#i've been busy ahaha#also i can't draw everyday i think my arm would deadass fall off#or even every other day for that matter#btw cat legs are kind of fucked up looking#does anyone want my design traits for slugcats . i think about them and how they work#like they probably have some sort of throat pouch to hold things#plus they have 3 digits . which is interesting#they probably have a stiffer spine in comparison to actual cats. as it helps with being bipedal. i imagine they're still decently flexible#though since they can turn around in tunnels#they do have a collarbone . cats have like almost none. but slugcats have more. not as much as we do though#and they most likely have 6 breasts as they're mammals to me. they're cats#there is lots of loose skin around their limbs too btw. for flexability#helps them stretch . and cats too#cats have so much loose skin. and their skin is so thin#i imagine slugcats would have thicker skin#also their tail is pretty big compared to other things. so i imagine they use it for fat reserves and storage. like for hibernation#also i have thoughts about gourmond so i think i'll do them after monk#making a whole ass essay in here
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This is definitely a minority opinion, but I personally find it more fun to depict the Spider God as a bit less involved, or at the least not actively malicious with her treatment of Peter.
(short explanation below the cut)
Peter being the most active participant in his actions and the way his story goes is pretty essential to my characterization of him, as it follows that he's willing to be Spiderman because he thinks he can help people (or stop others from hurting people). It also adds that it's not the Spider God forcing his inevitable mental health decline, and that its Peter's own poor consideration of himself that's making him so isolative. Just as much as he's active in trying to save people, Peters also actively harming himself in the process, rather than just being at the whims of some higher power.
Furthermore, for a less Deep Reason, I just find the concept of not-actively-malicious but still harmful deity-like entities fun to write. She's not trying to make him a puppet, she's just following along holding to his story like a life-raft while her grasp over this reality is narratively slipping. He's highly motivated and determined to keep going, which makes him perfect for the perpetuation of her presence. She doesn't want full control, but he's her tether, so perhaps she pushes him just a bit to pull the trigger that first time, or she gets him out of bullet fire.
Maybe she doesn't realize any of this could be construed as overstepping or evil because she's not human. She doesn't understand - she just knows what she needs to do to keep going (and of course we can't understand her; her existence is beyond us). But she's still not calling all the shots.
#noir posting#blogcat: headcanons#spiderman noir#spidernoir#though I get too him being controlled by the Spider God also plays into those themes of battling against an all-consuming authority#you can read into it either way#this is all tied to me seeing her less as a God of Death(tm) and more a God of Stories#won't get into that here though. I'll try to do a writeup in full if anyones interested
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some harmoknight headcanons i have!! this isn't all of them, but here's some for lyra and tempo!!
Lyra
Lives in Symphony City, near the exit close to Calypso Beach and the Tori Gate.
Ever since she was younger, she always wanted to protect the people she cared for most. This was her main drive to eventually become a soldier of Melodia.
She mainly patrolled Calypso Beach before the Noizoids struck, but after they did, she found herself patrolling Rock Range and Marching Hills more.
She sometimes gets into small fights with Tyko, but thankfully they simmer down before they get any worse…
Has a weakness for sweets.
Tempo
Doesn't like talking much. However, he feels comfortable talking to Woodwin and Tappy. Maybe if enough time passes, the same will go for Lyra, Tyko, Cymbi, and Ariana...?
Has a big Allegro plush in his room thanks to Octarina. Sometimes, he's even seen sleeping while hugging the thing…
Sees his mentor as a [grand]father figure of sorts.
He visits his friends quite often! Sometimes they all get together in his house to have fun :D
Can be seen drawing sometimes. His art isn't the greatest, but they're charming enough to make you smile!
Despite saving the world, he still does training. Can't have his skills growing rusty!
Doesn't like going to Baroque Volcano. You know why.
#harmoknight#phione's rambling#headcanons#to be honest i had more in the back but#they're kinda more on the angsty side#i do like angst but i dunno if anyone else in harmoknight tumblr does#i'll share em if anyone's interested though! [i'll probably have it under the read more just in case :D]#also its funny how this is the third harmoknight post i made today#i am normal about this game i swear#i guess today's one of those days where i really wanna ramble about the things i like#but thats a good thing cause that means i just really like it!#i still also gotta work on the mettoro and rinet thing#tomorrow [hopefully] [maybe] [probably]#but yeah!!! please enjoy my silly little headcanons :D#there's gonna be more coming eventually so stay tuned!!
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Come on, you know you want to, give us the character bingo for Viktor.
don't mind if i doooo
#ask me#okay there's a lot going on here but first things first#viktor has transcended the favorite character tier where I want to protect him or whatever#like yeah he did that shit! I support him but I also don't! the more trouble he gets himself into the happier I'll be!#do you feel me#like one of the things I love most about Viktor is that I feel so much sympathy for the circumstances he's in that are out of his control#but he has so much agency in his own story that everything he's gained and accomplished are because he makes choices#and GETS HIMSELF places#and now the same thing is happening with his BAD choices and I find that just as delightful if not moreso#he is the agent of his own salvation and his own destruction and I will be in the front row seat with popcorn for both or either#so writing him is mostly me studying him under the microscope poking him until he does something untoward it's very fun#I only hesitantly say that Viktor is like me but the Balkan ties and the grumpy-but-kind and obsessive personality#and the strong opinions about a chosen STEM field#are inescapable okay#mommy issues is not circled because I have mommy issues but bc I have convinced myself that Viktor WILL have them#if Nikola Tesla is anything to go by#the jayce-mel-viktor trifecta is ruled by mommy issues and i will stand by that claim#also viktor is more interesting with no therapy - with as little therapy as possible would be my preference#WITH THE EXCEPTION of the lonely genius shit that Singed planted in his head#that is absolutely the lie that Viktor believes that he MUST discard in order to progress as a character and I am excited for it#I genuinely think that Viktor will be happier and more eccentric as [REDACTED] but it won't last#he will hit a VERY LITERAL -if thy right hand offend thee cut it off- situation and then he'll have peace but he won't call it happiness#I can't say that I'd hate anyone who hurt him because that is half of why I'm excited for s2#but I will probably lose it at any scene where he loses to [REDACTED] for rivalry reasons#I genuinely do want to see Mel completely own his ass as [REDACTED] though like can you imagine the banter#and both of them secretly having fun with it
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I had a dream where a 3rd J.udgment game was announced and M.ine showed up for one split second in the reveal trailer with this super hot evil smirk on his face and Twitter was going batshit crazy over it
Then I woke up and got really disappointed
#ash rambles 💚#you were beautiful 💸#it's like also 6:30am rn#i jolted awake and ran to check twitter just in case something important happened in the y.akuza fandom#but nope. it didnt. at all. now I'm disappointed. and sleepy...#goodnight!!!!#hmm what else is going on in my life..? uhhh. I've got a massive final paper due tomorrow! i should... probably start that haha#I've got this other group project that i don't feel motivated to work on anymore because my group member (absolutely unsolicited)#popped into my DMs and was like 'hey here are some suggestions for your paper' and the comments were just mean as fuck#like what the fuck man. what the actual fuck?? this group member is also like two decades older than me-#but thats alright I'll do it eventually (also because I'm graded on how my group members review me and... if this little bitch gives me a#bad review and fucks up my chances at getting a 4.0 in every class this quarter...........)#hmmmm what else#I've been playing y.akuza 5! i just got to the hunting part. I'm bored. when does this shit get good?#oh and i've been rewatching f.airy t.ail when i have the time#and m.onster too because.. um.... dr. t.enma 👉🏽👈🏽#oh nooo (fake cough) I'm sickkk i need a doctor hahaha preferably a really hot one with a super nice voice and beautiful smile and-#and that's about it for my life updates ajdjshdjaj at least all that I'm comfortable sharing here#I'm still mad about my dream though#like. I'd be fine even if m.ine didnt show up again. maybe he survived and him and ash just decided to disappear off the grid together#but. I WANT THAT THIRD J.UDGMENT GAME#PLEAAASEEE#OH OH!!! ONE MORE UPDATE!!!!#i made a bad financial decision on black friday and now.. once my package arrives... I'LL HAVE EVERY MAINLINE Y.AKUZA GAME IN MY GRASP!!!#I AM SO POWERFULLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I also bought s.oul hackers 2 bcs it looked interesting. anyone here like it?#hmmm I'm going back to sleep#gn#honk shoo mi mi mi mi
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I absolutely adore how you draw rito and especially Revali! I still can’t get enough of him no matter how much time has passed. I know it’s been a while since you last posted—be it because of life or art block, or both—but I still will offer you my sincerest gratification for the artwork you have deemed worthy enough for us to see! I hope the Rito in Tears of the Kingdom provide us with the same kind of “inspiration” (brain-rot) as in BotW. Even if Revali probably doesn’t make a big appearance; and possibly even Harth as well 😩
this was 😭 so nice to come back to HWUEUFHEJEEHEB THANK YOU 🥹 revali may not be in totk but hey at least harth is ‼️‼️ I have. bigger issues with another particular rito that isn't in totk though 😒
sorry all I could provide was a messy sketch ‼️ idk it probably has to do with reagan 🤥
#totk#where are you kass... WHERE AR EYOU#I'm not dead guys !! I accidentally logged onto here last night and nearly died when I saw people were STILL sending me anons#😭 I'M SORRY I LEFT YOU GUYS FOR SO LONG I LOST INTEREST and although totk may be fun... it is not the same 😔#ay I still haven't finished though ☝️‼️ so u never know !!#actually I do know my favorite character so far is rauru 😮💨 I see a man with long hair n fold bro I'M SORRY IT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS#also . I seem to make new social media accounts for different interests I have so there is more art by me in other corners of the internet!#you'll just never know it was by me specifically❤️! BWIDJFJD sorry !#I THIINK I may come back to post some totk art here though ... not sure about that yet though#I said though twice there that was excessive smh but that's too much to retype I think I'll just die#n e way if anyone sees this hi 👋 ‼️#old habits die hard I cannot stop typing here for the lfie of me bro#OK I'M DONE
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#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better#forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood#I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself#by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good#everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice#but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care#not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening#it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me#I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet#and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information#but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived#that's where I'm totally blind#people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking#and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed#and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden#but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters#and I do not#I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to#and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well...#and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this#but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off#not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out#and a scrap of company#but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do#sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past#there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done#I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to#no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to#certainly let them talk about them when they want#...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing
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