#i'd just get sad that he'd be all on his lonesome

[not-poignant]

Is Arden Mercury going to be in any of the stories in Underline the Rainbow? I love your writing btw!

He's not!

I don't think he belongs in a dystopia, and I love him being with Efnisien, so having him in Underline the Rainbow and not being with Efnisien would just make me sad.

[drdemonprince]

TV Glow was devastating. incredibly effective visually, thematically, and performance-wise. Schoenbrun has leveled up in a major way since World's Fair, which I felt like I was five years too old for, both in terms of references and from having seen too much weird shit in this life to be impressed by her version of what's "scary" online.

This movie was far more creatively ambitious and emotionally resonance -- it having a bigger budget certainly helped stretch its legs, and Schoenbrun used it to its fullest.

Justice Smith's acting made me want to cry. He shows a true reverence for the material that few cis actors would; far from viewing the character as a little exercise, he transforms into her discomfort and sadness. His little voice warbles and the way his face softens with hope at a few crucial moments made my heart break for him, knowing already that the dreams he'd barely let himself hold onto would never come true.

I can't believe an Emma Stone produced wide release movie is about transgender egg drama here in 2024. jarring for something that once felt so private and esoteric to be broadly relatable to audiences now. it's fitting, given the movie is about a mass-release TV show that a handful of tender freaks think must be about something so much more than this world would ever let it be. kind of a funny trick there.

is this a movie about depressed isolated queer people whose minds curdle around a random media property because loneliness makes the brain turn inward and eat itself? or is it the tragic tale of a woman who never realized her destiny and allowed the matrix to keep plugging her repeatedly back in?

you can read it both ways at once and it's best if you do. some equipped with fandom goggles with elect to see it only in the more fantastical light.

There are already dozens of people coming out as transgender for the first time in their lives in the Letterboxd reviews of this film, saying they recognize their repression in Owen, their egg at last busted open by this heartbreaking tale of a life unfulfillingly lived. I get it -- before I transitioned, the same thing happened to me with Casey Plett's incredible story collection, A Safe Girl to Love. There is something painfully enchanting about the forever-unrealized trans person whose suffering we imagine would be escapable if only they could admit who they are.

But what do you do when you have overcome your fear of being "crazy," left your old world behind, and passed through that veil to become the person you were always meant to be, only to find that you are still stoop-shouldered and awkward, still overlooked with your heart cut out of you, apologizing to others for your asthma in between your death rattles? What if you never get all the poison out? After you figure out you're a hero from another dimension, what will you do if you can never get back?

I find myself asking these things, as a person who used to fantasize that transitioning would solve all my problems. The imagined future transitioned me felt so distant that it was easy to push him off. And then after years passed, when I finally reached out to claim him, I discovered he was just as awkward, lonesome, insecure, and unhappy as I was, because he was just me. If i'd always been transgender, then I'd always been unhappy for deeply transgender reasons back then, too, and I'd already known a whole lot more about what it meant to be me than I'd thought that I had. Fantasies had been a seductive distraction from the world that was trying to kill me, and they suffocated me whether I denied them or if I believed in them.

This is a movie about fantasies, and the suburbs, and about being transgender. And it's bleak, but I think some who are on the cusp of making the same realizations as Owen can't fully know why yet. Life on the other side of knowing is more liveable, but I can't explain why. It didn't make things better. It wasn't the great escape I had hoped. But it did force me to confront who I was and how many monsters there always had been all around me. And that's better than living in a fantasy.

[roseonne]

an angel's wings

In GOD-za, 'wings' refer to the pride, dignity, and honor an actor of the company possesses. Fame flourishes it, controversies destroy it. It's been a while since Haruto last felt his pair of wings on his back. He isn't hoping for anything, but he decides that now is the time to set things right.

to the character who has been my brand for three fabulous years (and counting~) happy birthday, haruto ! ( ao3 link )

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶༉‧₊˚

Angels.

Beings fairly easy to spot, even from a mile away. Humans would think they reside mainly in heaven, only paying a visit to bless the world with their benevolence on rare occasions; a typical deed of their doing, yes, but things are a little different in Veludo Way.

For instance, there's one patiently in wait, sitting by their lonesome on a vacant bench along the perimeters of the park. Tapping twice on the phone in their hand, the device magically lights up, and a small glimpse of the time displayed upon its screen is what they take from the corners of their round, purple eyes.

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶༉‧₊˚

...He's late.

Haruto sighs. He has the stupid weather to blame..

Earlier forecasts predicted a brewing storm once the end of the week arrives; and the good news is, they were right. Haruto anticipated as much. But the bad news is, they failed to declare such heavy rain possibly extending further onto the following week. This, is what the pink-haired actor is disappointed at.

Monday 2nd of September, 20XX 3:09 P.M.

And here I thought I'd finally get to talk to him... after all these years.

He tugs on the hood over his head a little harder, squeezing himself tightly into the thick, midnight blue coat wrapped around him on this awfully chilly day.

Such ungodly timing, he thinks. He wouldn't have scheduled a meet up if he only knew the misfortune that lies ahead of him today.

The storm has temporarily ceased though, hence being the reason prompting his courage to step out of his humble abode and proceed with the plan he's been wanting to push through for god-knows-how-long now. Is it quite the special matter of that much importance? People might think otherwise, but truth be told, it is of utmost personal value to Haruto.

Too bad he has to prolong having it gotten all over with. Again.

"He's not coming now, is he?" He lets out another defeated sigh.

"Now, now. Why make such a long face?"

Haruto brings his pair of enlarged lilac-colored eyes to where that familiar voice is suspected to be. Sure enough, he'd recognize that knowing smirk from anywhere on the globe, in a heartbeat.

"Being sad doesn't suit you."

"Tasuku!" He exclaims in surprise, a reaction to which the former top actor of GOD-za chuckles at.

"Good to see you again, Haruto." Tasuku smiles at him, fondly. "I'm glad you called me out here, today."

"Hah?" Haruto rolls his eyes, derisively. "You shouldn't have come. The weather's terrible!"

"Haha. And leave you to freeze on your own?" Tasuku shakes his head. "No way."

Haruto knows Tasuku means that as a simple joke, but honestly? He would've frozen to his demise if he hadn't showed up. The friendly banter, although short and rather sweet, is more than what Haruto expects he'll need to feel a certain kind of warmth spread out far and wide from the center of his chest. No one told him that reconnecting with the past in seeking for some much longed closure would actually lead to such a gratifying sentiment?

"Why'd you want to talk, by the way? And to me, specifically." Tasuku casually asks, claiming the extra space on the park bench beside Haruto as he (the latter) scoots a little to his side to make room for him (the former) to sit on.

"Oh, it's quite simple, really." Haruto places a hand over his warming heart, eyes closing sincerely and instinctively as he himself frankly admits, "I just... wanted to apologize. That's all."

Tasuku comes to a sudden halt. He locks his gaze onto Haruto, who seems to be having the most fun of the outcome of unveiling his newfound bluntness.

"Well, that was... very straightforward of you," he remarks absently, clearly taken aback.

"Expecting something else from me, weren't ya, Tasuku?" Haruto crosses both arms proudly over his chest. "Heh. You know nothing about the new 'me'."

"Oh?" Intrigued, Tasuku smirks once more, shifting in his seat so he could rest his elbow over the bench's backrest while completely face his pink-haired companion. "How about we test that statement out right here and now? I'm pretty confident in my stock knowledge of you."

At this, Haruto loudly groans. "There you go again with that nasty attitude of yours, Tasuku, you never change!"

"Look who's talking," Tasuku counters, amidst stifling yet another burst of laughter. "But yeah, I guess not."

In GOD-za, 'wings' refer to the pride, dignity, and honor an actor (or more accurately known as an 'angel') of the company possesses. Fame flourishes it, controversies destroy it.

Now, what would the mere mortals think and say if they ever spot one of GOD's most prominent angels spending time together with the one who infamously chose to fall from grace?

"Seriously, Tasuku," Haruto repeats himself, one last time. He isn't about to keep saying this over and over again every time their paths cross, so he better listen carefully. "I'm sorry. You might find all this hard to believe, and I understand. But I really am sorry. For everything.

"The horrible things I said about you. The sabotage. The act-off. The plagarism. Everything. I'm...

"I'm so sorry, Tasuku..." His voice is faltering, and the shiny moist about to stream down from his eyes is what's causing it. "I'm sorry to you... And Taichi..."

It's been a while since Haruto last felt his pair of wings on his back. He isn't hoping for anything. Heck, he's even convinced that he's never going to see his wings anymore; but he decides that, it's now or never.

Whatever happens to him and to his reputation in the world from now on, he's wholeheartedly ready to accept it.

"Wow..." is all that Tasuku could muster after his speech. "I... never thought I'd hear that from you, butー"

"Hah? Whaddya mean by that?" Haruto cuts him off, as he sniffles back another round of his tears. "I ain't that evil anymore, you know..."

"Oh, but trust me, I do know, Haruto." Tasuku fetches a clean handkerchief from his pocket, and uses its corners to gently dab both of Haruto's cheeks dry. "I've always known that you're not as 'evil' as you make yourself seem to be.

"I just want more of who you really are. And the world deserves to know that, too. Genta."

"Pffft. Idiot." Haruto swats his hand away like a fly. "No can do about that. I'm still at GOD-za, after all. Besides, you have the Winter Troupe to keep you company, don't you?"

"Heh. You're right." Tasuku rises at last, utterly satisfied and relieved at how their conversation has progressed, and is about to conclude. "Maybe in our next lives, then."

"If you can find me. It won't be easy, though." Haruto challenges, raising a playful eyebrow at him.

But... he mentally notes, I don't mind waiting for you even until then.

"Haruto."

"...Yeah?"

"You got your wings back," Tasuku praises him, with one final glance at his former partner from over his shoulder, and a smile so achingly sweet and beautifully bitter seems to have made the future Haruto picked out for himself feel so much lonelier than ever; but since such is the better path in this lifetime, he'll learn to manage somehow, just as he always have. "And I couldn't be happier."

[youdonthavetocallmedarlinnn]

It's been a few days since I've updated about my soul mate voluntarily leaving for rehab. This Friday will be three weeks since I've seen the love of my life. Summer was always our time. We always went on trips and took my nephews to cool places. This picture is from last summer when we took them to the beach for a few days. I know he'll be home soon but I find it hard to enjoy my normal summer activities like porch sitting for one because we always brought our crap out on the porch. I'd do my macrame and he'd do whatever it is he was into at the time like woodworking or stained glass. He sold the saw I got him for drugs this past winter. Sadly that was something he really cared about and it was in that and many other moments where I feared the person that loved might be getting too far gone.

Thankfully, he knew he needed help and made the decision that a lot of people get forced into by their family or the criminal justice system. He's been there before but this time is different because he chose to go on his own. Set it up and left of his own accord. As much as I miss him and I'm lonesome without him that one fact keeps me going. He's doing this for himself but also for us and our potential future.

So yea I might be sad that my best friend/soulmate/love of my life/father to our cats isn't here to reel in the beginning of summer with me with random adventures but I'm also so proud of him. When he calls and I hear his voice and he sounds like the man I fell on love with it reminds me that this will all be worth it soon enough.

I don't want to go through this ever again but I know that with recovery there is always a chance of relapse but every time he chooses to get help or takes the time ask for it or goes to his meetings he continues to build his personal blueprint for recovery. I have also learned more about his signs and mannerisms leading up to relapse so hopefully if it ever does happen again we can detour it even sooner than this time. 6 months doesn't seem very long but it was the longest of my life. I'm just ready for my person to come home and we can continue supporting and loving one another through the good times and the bad.

My family worries about what I'll do if he relapses again and I haven't had the heart to tell them that it won't matter. That is the live of my life and I am going to see him through because he would do the same for me. He's not a bad person even when he's on drugs. He's the gentlest spirit and I could never abandon him. I'm going to school to become a substance abuse counselor. How could I abandon the person I love if my career choice is to help the people that are like him? I want to do this with him and hopefully he will want to offer himself in service to those that are like him as well.

We're about halfway through, and then I hug and kiss the person that I love most in this world. We can heal and grow together like we were before, and I will do everything I can to help him in his recovery. I won't ever abandon him.

[drunken-drengr]

Heeeey how about “You always look beautiful. Tonight, you look divine.” for Karrie and Blackwall? :3 Happy Friday!

Thank you for the prompt! Blackwall deserved all the love from me this Friday <3 thought of a winter palace scenario for this one @dadrunkwriting

Blackwall stood on the outskirts of the ballroom, leaning against the wall as he absent mindedly swirled the contents of his wine glass around, arms crossed. It wasn't a very inviting look, but he wasn't too keen on company at the moment. He was lost in his own thoughts, eyes mostly glued to his own shoes and wine glass, and occasionally, her.

He'd glance up, when he took a sip from time-to-time, and he'd see her across the room. Her silhouette against the moonlight that flooded in through the balcony doors. He'd stare, then catch himself, quickly adverting his gaze back to the floor. He wanted to talk to her, he just-

"Hey!" Blackwall was startled by a harsh nudge to his arm, almost spilling his wine because of the movement. Regaining his wits, he look to his side, bewildered, to see Sera grinning up at him.

"What's with the lonesome broodin'?" The elf asked, casting a quick glance to his wine and back up to him as if to notion something else.

To this, Blackwall didn't have an answer. He just heaved a gruff sigh, tilting his head back in exhaustion.

Sera stared at him expectantly, but at his lack of response, she gave her own sigh. "Gosh, you're sad!" She teased. "Just go over there, yeah?"

"What?" Blackwall stammered, suddenly his full, startled attention on Sera. It took him a moment to process what she meant before he started stammering again. "No, I- you have the wrong idea!"

She cast him a look of blatant disbelief, rolling her eyes. "Look, you ain't getting anywhere with her, standing over here," she said. "Before you know it we'll be outta here! You better shoot your shot before it's too late, Beardy! Ask her!"

Blackwall took a moment to ponder her words before giving another sigh, this time in consideration. "You're right," he agreed softly, lowering his head, but hesitantly raising it again to look at Karrie. And there she was, still there. Her back was towards him, and she leaned on the railing of the balcony. He could see the tiredness in her stance, but the way she stared up at the moon filled him with hope, and courage. Courage enough to stand up and say something-

As soon as he had set his wine glass down on a nearby table, and stood himself up, his spirits were once again crushed. He could feel Sera's mood suddenly drop along with his own, as they both watched sullenly as she was joined by someone else.

The silhouette of Solas joined Karrie's on the balcony, and he put a hand on her shoulder. And after a moment, she leaned into him.

"Oh." Blackwall heard Sera say, deflated, as she followed Blackwall in suit, leaning up against the wall. "So I take it that's why you haven't asked her to dance all night?"

"Yes," Blackwall nodded, seemingly defeated. "First it was Celene's Arcane Advisor, and now him..."

Sera grimaced, taking a quick breath in before exhaling a sigh. "Geez. Don't blame you for avoiding that witchy-lady. But Solas is a whole new level of scary!" She paused. "Well, for you, not me. If I were in your position I'd put lizards in his breeches!"

"I can't exactly put lizards in his breeches, Sera."

"I know, I know!" She exclaimed. "But, still! Argh! I bet you're tryin' your best to be on his good side, yeah?"

At this, Blackwall gave another nod. Though it wasn't apparent to everyone, he knew very well the relation between the Inquisitor and her elven apostate she held so closely dear, defended with tooth and bone. Though neither of them had seemed to admit- or acknowledge it- he knew that Solas was like a father to Karrie, a father that Blackwall guessed she never had growing up, hence their closeness. It was curious, to see their relationship grow as time went on. To think that at one point, the two were constantly at each other's throats. And it was because of their bond that Blackwall was hesitant to approach now.

What did Solas think of the man? Of his relationship with Karrie? Blackwall thought it only natural of a father figure to be protective, wary of his daughter's romantic interests. But, then again, Karrie was her own person, and she was by no account a child to be coddled. Surely Solas could recognize that, and not let his assumptions of the man affect Karrie? There was no way of being sure. But, Blackwall was sure that either way, gaining Solas's approval was a good path.

"I'll... I'll wait," Blackwall eventually decided, a more determined and set look on his face now. "And then I'll ask her."

"Good luck, Beardy," Sera winked up at him, her smile returning. "But you better not wait too long, hear me? Else I might just go ask her myself! I wouldn't mind stealing the Lady Cadash for a night's romance, woof...."

"You wouldn't!" Blackwall managed to chuckle, nudging Sera with his elbow playfully.

"You never know..." Sera shrugged, grinning up at him. "To ensure that I don't, you better hurry up! I'll be over by the cheese platter if you need me, doing cheese platter related things~"

As Blackwall watched Sera saunter off in the direction of said cheese platter, he found his gaze drifting back to the balcony. There Solas and Karrie still remained, facing each other now, speaking few, hushed words. And then he reached for her cheek, caressing her face so, but quickly, as not to catch the attention of ever-so nosey nobles. Rubbing his thumb one last time, Solas pulled his hand back, dropping it to his side before turning and walking away. At the same moment, Blackwall felt his heart suddenly jump, seeing Karrie cast Solas one last glance before turning back to the moon.

This was his chance. Straightening his posture, he practically dashed to the balcony- at least, tried to, what with all the nobles he had to squeeze past to get there. And after a fair share of 'excuse me''s and 'sorry''s, he found himself on the precipice. It took him a moment to muster up the courage, his gut turning as he inhaled and began to take a few steps towards her. And then there was Solas. He was just on his way back into the ballroom, and the two had passed. But, for a moment, they both paused.

Blackwall could feel the elf's hard and cutting gaze on him, and hesitantly, he looked up to meet it. His throat tightened at the eye contact, though he tried his hardest not to show his nervousness in his presence. There were no words exchanged between the two, only silence, as Solas looked Blackwall up and down, slowly. And, after what seemed like a tense eternity to Blackwall, Solas only gave a small nod before walking briskly into the ballroom, off to disappear into a crowd, melt into the backdrop.

It took Blackwall a moment to process what had just happened. He let go of a breath he hadn't known he was holding. That... that was a good notion, wasn't it? That nod... Bah, he had better not overthink it, save himself the headache and tossing and turning in bed. If anything, that nod had filled him with an unusual sense of confidence. It was best that he kept it, he surely would need it.

------------

Karrie leaned against the balcony railing, arms folded in front of her. Her head tilted upwards slightly, so she could look directly at the moon, the night light of the sky. She was tired, beat, there was no denying it. Never in a million ages would she have guess that she'd go from a Carta criminal, scraping for coins on the streets of the Free Marches to a diplomat sipping wine with sharks behind noble masks.

The Winter Palace had seemed beautiful on the outside, glittering gold shining in the sunlight, but as the day dragged on, Karrie came to see how drab it really was on the inside. Now, she wanted nothing but to return to her vast mountains and the fortress that resided in them.

The moon here reminded her of the moon visible from her balcony at Skyhold. She wished she were there, oh, to take a seat at that mahogany desk of hers, to violently scribble away all her awful thoughts, punch away her anger on the stone walls, till the morning sun greeted her tired and bloody hands, peeking through the stained glass.

Her shoulders tensed at his presence. Slowly, she turned her gaze away from the moon, and over at him. And there she saw that he was admiring the moon as well.

"Long night," he said softly, casting a glace down at her.

Karrie suddenly felt all her tension leave her body, her weariness beginning to wane. He was here. "You could say that," she found herself shrugging. "Eventful."

"You could say that," Blackwall chuckled. "You should've seen their faces when you-! Ah..."

"No, it's fine," Karrie assured him. "I enjoyed that part, if anything. She got what she deserved."

There was silence between the two now, both returning their gazes to the large moon in the night sky. Blackwall's presence lifted her mood more than she would care to admit, but even so, she was drained after all that had happened.

"You always look beautiful. Tonight, you look divine."

At this, Karrie was caught off guard. Taken aback, she glanced over at Blackwall, wide-eyed. "What?"

"What I mean to say is- Would you have this dance with me, My Lady?"

At this, Karrie's face flushed red, her eyes widening as he bowed to her, extending his hand as an invitation to join him. Instinctively, she backed away, but upon seeing how he began to withdraw too, she quickly shook her head. "I don't think I've ever been called beautiful," she stammered out quickly, finally bringing herself to look up into his eyes. "Let alone divine. Do you really find me so?"

"Of... of course I do," Blackwall nodded. Had no one really ever said that to her? He could hardly believe that himself.

Karrie couldn't quite explain how her heart throbbed when he said those words. And without thinking, she found herself suddenly taking his hand, staggering up to stand, anxiously throwing herself at him, wrapping her arm around his waist. She was beat, she was tired, but somehow he managed to fill her with the vigor she lacked, suddenly filled her with an urge to dance that she had never had before.

"I'd love to. I didn't even know you could dance," she found herself saying.

"I did once. In another life."

[coffeetablettowers]

your free pass to write something 2dace

Title: Turbulence Before Landing Rated: T Relationship: Ace/2d Summary: Ace and 2d have an argument, but there's more to it. Note: implied murdoc/2d

Noodle and Russel were at the table. Noodle playing on her phone while Russel looked for some good coupons in the newspaper. Then they hear a thud. They both look up from what their doing. Another thud. Russel starts to stand up when they suddenly hear shouting, "If you weren't a good for nothing stand-in then it wouldn't be a mess!" Russel can clearly make out that it's 2d. "Keep my coupon spot saved, Noodle. I'mma check this out." Noodle nods her head as Russel walks up the stairs. As he gets to the top he sees the door fling open with 2d hurled out of it, a flash of limbs as he hits the wall. Ace appears in the doorframe glaring daggers down at the singer. "I'm doin' you a favor, pal, and if it's messed up it's 'cause of YOUR sloppy work." 2d stands and before he can lunge at Ace Russel comes between them and tightly wraps his arms around him. "Alright, cool it D. You're not gonna win an' I'm not lettin' go until you calm down." 2d arms stay flailing towards Ace, fingers clawing in the air. He tries to move his legs forward, but the immovable Russel is true to his word and doesn't let go or budge. As if a switch had been flipped 2d goes limp in Russel's hold with his head resting against the other man's shoulder. Ace scoffs before walking down the stairs. "What was that all about?" Russel asks. 2d shakes his head, "Murdoc wouldn't do this to me. If he were here thing's be soundin' right." Russel sighs and lets go of 2d. It was no surprise that Murdoc going to jail for an unknown amount of time shook the singer, but they weren't expecting him act like he was in mourning over it. 2d stumbled, trying not to fall to the floor. "Well get used to it, D. Murdoc's gone and Ace is filling in. All you can do is move on." 2d stared at him with a blank expression as Russel headed back downstairs.

Ace was sitting at the table with Noodle, shuffling cards in his hands as his leg bounced up and down. "I don't get that guy! He doesn't like my playin'. I know what I'm doin'. I'm playin' exactly how he wrote it and he wants to blame me!" Noodle sighed, "It's not that, Ace. He's just, "Noodle paused, as if she was thinking of the right words to use before continuing, "He is just in his feelings. Haven't you noticed the words in some of his songs?" Russel sat down and went back to looking at coupons just as Ace stopped shuffling his deck. "I'm not sticking up for what he did as that was pretty shitty of him to do to you, but if you want talk to him later. He would've taken his meds and calmed down," Russel chimed in without looking up from the coupons. Ace stood up from the table and went to the room that was given to him. "Where are they where are they?" he muttered to himself as he dug through clothes and a rumpled blanket. "Ah ha! There they are." He held up music sheets. Some of the album was written down for him along with his parts. Ace sat on the bed and started to look over them.

Baby, I just survived I got drunk, I'm sorry Am I losing you?

If I pick it up when I know that it's broken Do I put it back? Or do I head out onto the lonesome trail And let you down?

Why you rolling waves over me now, that's all I need, dreaming Waiting on LA to come find me, be forgiven I'll be a regular guy for you, I never said I'd do that Why you looking so beautiful to me now when you so sad?

"Oh moley this guy is in deep." Ace said to the empty room. He set the papers down and sighed. He may be younger than 2d, but even he could the grief and uncertainty written on the walls. He'd do what Russel said, wait a few hours and then talk to the singer.

---------------

Ace was jolted awake by something heavy dropping onto his bed. He didn't realize he had fallen asleep. When he sat up he saw that 2d was sitting on the edge, fingers twiddling. "Hey bozo whatta' doin' in here?" Ace asked, he heard himself sound harsh. He knew why the other was acting out, but he still felt he was done wrong and couldn't bring himself to be more gentle. 2d leaned towards himself, bringing his legs up so he could wrap his arms around them. 2d mumbled something quickly. "Speak up, I can't hear ya." Ace put a hand around his ear just as 2d turned his head towards him. "I wanted to say sorry for earlier! It was really mean and you're not just a stand-in and you're playing is really good and I'm sorry!" 2d took a deep breath, face pointed to look right at Ace. Ace put his hand down and stared at the other man. He knew 2d had no pupils, but he could feel his gaze and this made him uncomfortable. "Uh right. Apology accepted just as quickly as you spouted all of that out. Hey D, I wanted to talk to ya 'bout the lyrics," Ace paused as he could see 2d tense up. "Did this person really mean a lot to ya?" 2d looked away, then spoke barely above a whisper, "Yeah, they were my best mate." Ace winced. The only knowledge of comforting people he knew was comforting his gang. He hoped the same tactics could be used right now. He reached a hand over to 2d's shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze, "I know they're not here now, but maybe I can keep their spot warm?" 2d looked back up at the other man before he quickly unfolded himself and wrapped his arms around Ace, burying his head in the crook of Ace's neck. Ace's froze at the contact and was about to push him off when he felt something wet against his skin. A thousand thoughts went through Ace's mind, trying to figure out what to say and do, but 2d spoke before he could settle on an idea. "I'm sorry. It's just nice to have somebody again." Ace came to wrapping his arms around 2d, giving him a pat on the back. "No problem. Just don't go yellin' at me again or we're gonna have problems." 2d chuckled and nuzzled Ace. "I promise no more yelling." 2d pulled back and wiped his eyes.

"Can I ask somethin', Ace?" "Yeah, go ahead."

Ace could feel fingertips drumming against his back as 2d thought of what to day. The silence in the room grew heavy and Ace started to get annoyed. "Spit it out, D." At this 2d grabbed hold of the back of Ace's shirt and stared at him, "Can I sleep with you tonight?" Ace's eyes grew wide, but he didn't let go of the singer. "Why?" 2d's started to wrinkle up the back of Ace's shirt, "Well, umm, it would just make me feel better an' you said you'd keep the spot warm and what better place to be warm than in a bed?" Ace had to hand it to 2d for his way of thinking. He sighed, "Fine. You get special Ace bed privilege, but this also means I get D bed privilege. Got it?" 2d quickly nodded his head and then they both let go. "I'm kinda hungry. I think I skipped lunch. Wanna head out for dinner?" 2d smiled, "Of course, mate."

---------

After the two got dinner they went back to Ace's room and worked on the some music. Before they knew it 2d heard an owl and looked out the window to see that it was well past night time. "Should we finish this up tomorrow, Ace?" Ace nodded, swiping the music sheets off the bed and setting his bass against the wall. 2d left the room, but soon appeared in green shorts that looked too short, but Ace wasn't going to be one to judge somebody's fashion sense. As they both got into bed 2d laid on his side and draped an arm over Ace's stomach. Ace flinched, but nothing more. He had to tell himself he agreed to this and that he'll eventually get used to it. "G'night mate." 2d whispered, scooting closer and resting his forehead against the side of Ace's shoulder. "Yeah... good night, D" It seemed like both men were frozen, unable to really fall asleep. Ace remembered that brushing his fingers through his gang's hair helped them so maybe it would work. Pulling his arm up he brought his hand up and gently ran it through 2d's hair. 2d let out a satisfied hum. "That feels good." "Yeah?" Ace asked. 2d nodded. A couple of minutes passed by of Ace running his fingers through blue hair before he heard quiet snores. Ace put his arm behind his head and sighed. He just felt like he signed up for something more than he bargained for, but then he smiled. It's not upsetting him and it benefits 2d. Simple harmless fun between them two.

[fleshbloodcomeundone]

aug 30 2022 3:43 PM

i feel like a fool. it's all i could really say. there's no better way of describing what i feel. i cannot be idle. i cannot sit still. or lie awake before i am diagnosed of slumber. in those gaps of the day, it is a pinch in my skin. a tug of my collar. "you are a fool" it says. in its exhausted, scratchy old voice. i am a fool.

i keep picturing myself in the last 2 years, in my lonesome. crying and whining like a sick dog waiting for my master to come home. thinking of how many times i've sat alone in this room just racking my brain trying to find a fix to this, only to come to this turn of events that he wasn't even trying to fix anything. everything he had promised were nothing. they were all a means to calm me down. to get me busy. to get me hoping while he sat back and enjoyed his life without me.

all he ever did these past couple of years was show me he liked life better without me. he'd forget about my existence. he liked it so much he made it come true. he did create a life without me. with characters who knew him without me. with hobbies i have never even reached for.

he was unbothered.

only remembered me when he'd realize the bed he slept on was meant for 2 people. and that i was already asleep so he didn't have to stay up to entertain me.

only remembered me when i'd yell out 'i'm sad.' he'd give me a day. tops. a day to watch whatever movie i wanted, eat whatever i wanted. like a child. a child that needed that one day.

only remembered me when i would get angry. because he had to. because it was a direct call at him. a direct action towards him. i am angry at you, i'd say. and he'd slouch, look at his shoes, and nod. not a single word from him. a promise to shut me up at the end of the day. but nothing of love.

before this, i was as brittle as an abused, paranoid, scarred, anxiety-ridden, depressed 22 year old could be. i had at least one more push in me to love. and live while loving. but i knew that if he would hurt me the same way, i would come out half of myself. believe me, i have tried to find loopholes to forgiveness. but he is just the same. they all see me the same.

it is so easy to blame myself. i want to blame myself. i know how to do that. but my mind is my own. his mind is his own. he had reasons that i cannot find in my own mind for his doing. which is why this drives me fucking insane. the questions are repetitive in my head. and i do not think that they will ever find their partnered answers.

he wouldn't have told me if i didn't find out. that's what hurts the most, i think.

[goldendivinewrath]

@forgivenpunishment

He's a little... nervous, when it comes to that silence. The long deliberation. The idea that maybe Wolfwood's thinking one or both of them implied some things they didn't mean in the heat of anger, or maybe he's thinking better of the choices he's made. Wanting to make better choices away from Vash after all, and that's a good thing, the best thing for him surely, but it feels... lonesome? Maybe. Maybe that's it. He's used to being alone, though, he'll-- Get used to it again.

The surprise when the response comes doesn't quite loosen the knot in his chest, but it does bring more warmth. He pushes aside the idea that it shouldn't, tries not to think too hard on feeling relief in the idea that maybe it could be okay between them for a while longer. But all of that leaves him open and unprepared for the questions. What he... what he wants..?

It's-- It's an odd thing, to have his mask ripped away with no effort at all. To have every element that he carefully conceals suddenly exposed, and his expression doesn't seem able to settle on one thing. His emotions feel like the middle of a sandstorm, being tugged at by wind spinning all around him, battered by sand, blinded and unaware of where he is, where he's going, only sure that he should probably curl into the smallest ball possible and ride it out...

Which, well. He can't do, exactly. He's not aware of the fear, or the sadness, or the painfully honest fondness and longing that all play in his eyes and across his face at the same time, but he is aware of his response. The words he uses. "I don't want you to leave." Too raw and too simple. He should have more to say, he thinks, an explanation, a reason, but that's all... not the important part to say. To say. Out loud. He's used to not doing that, but-- "I'd rather ride next to you, too."

He can't find the words to explain. There are many people he's felt at ease with, less he's felt perfectly safe around to really sleep. Far, far less he can trust at his back in any situation. "I want to, I mean. The-- Running together. Or whatever it is! Doesn't have to be running. Or, uh. I guess it kind of does have to be running, sometimes..." He's making a mess of everything trying to be specific and vague at once, but he... just...

I want to keep you.

Vash looks at the other man and doesn't know what to say. There's Home, of course, Luida and Brad are people he's returned to many times over the years, and wants to. But he always leaves again. Sometimes quietly, sometimes one or both are there to see him off. There was the time he spent as Eriks, trying for a quiet life, truly being deeply fond of Lina and Sheryl, but he knows why he had to leave sooner than he'd have liked no matter who might have found him, in the end. He hasn't encountered another situation where he hasn't wanted to leave since-- Before. Long before.

Of all the things he could choose to say, even knowing it's probably better to leave things as they are, he really doesn't know what brings the words up. Or why they turn out so soft. "I'm not afraid of you, Wolfwood." Afraid for is another thing, he thinks, but they've both already yelled quite enough for him to say that bit out loud.

Through all the emotions, the anger, the desperation, the stress, Wolfwood may have lost the point of what he was trying to say. Maybe, just a little. Despite this, he feels as though he's gotten most of it out of his system. Main points:

Don't leave me.

Treat me like a person with my own decisions.

I can't settle down without you.

Well, that last one is a little dramatic. Is it? He can't imagine his life without Vash in it, as stupid as it sounds. What does that even make them? Surely Vash doesn't think the same way—the guy's lived somewhere around 150 years, he's had plenty of time to grieve losses and somehow live without people he'd cared about. Assuming that he cares, anyway. Maybe they're just that, teammates. Maybe they're not even friends.

Wolfwood doesn't know anymore.

It's frustrating, this constricting, binding feeling in his chest that pops up whenever he fears Vash leaving. It's more frustrating when he bothers to wonder if the man feels the same. It's frustrating knowing how selfish he is to want. Vash doesn't want him around—Wolfwood just follows.

Then why does he follow? Why does he want this, if Vash doesn't?

His heart sinks as he ponders.

He doesn't notice how long he's been silent, frustration radiating off of his skin like a hot pan.

He wants to be wanted. It's stupid. It's selfish. Why would anyone want him? No one has wanted him his entire life—even before he was born, he wasn't wanted. What does it matter if anyone wants him around? He's just going to exist anyway.

Well, this is delving deeper than he'd like to admit.

"Mmr," is the first noise Wolfwood makes in what feels like minutes, "Good. I like it. The running. Not chasing though, I like riding next to you." Well that sounds sufficiently stupid. It is literal though—he likes driving around with Vash at his side.

So stupid. Dumb feeling. Torn open and vulnerable. Pain that doesn't go away with a dose of a serum. If he were wise he'd tear it out—yet this dopey idiot makes him keep the feeling around for some reason.

A stupider question, "So that's what you want then? Or are you just saying yes for my sake? I can fuck off if you want."

'Please don't say that.'

Skin stops bristling with tension as Wolfwood calms himself, then looks into Vash's eyes wearily. What he wouldn't give to move into his space, to just know that they have each others' backs. Or something. There's that weird feeling again. It's so human he wants to throw up.