#i'd go on but i don't want to trauma dump lol

[fern-pajamabrain]

i don't even know why i still try arguing with my parents about my personal distaste for the color pink lol, one would have thought that by now they'd have understood

[crowbraincoin]

Where to make friends as an adult.

Recently I saw a devastating citation stating that most adults find it hard to make new friends as it feels like there is a lack of community and resources to do so. It takes nearly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend. For more advanced levels of friendship, it can take more than 200 hours before you can consider someone “close”. (source)

So, though I'm not an expert by any means, I thought I'd offer some examples, ideas, and tips on finding and making friends as an adult! Check below the break :>

Ideas on where to find friends:

🆓 Local free (or cheap) events. I went to a presentation that included a free beer in the ticket cost and I had a blast! Most cities have an events calendar you can look at. Soon I'm attending a free event for the transgender community honoring those that came before us. 📖 Library programs. Most libraries that I've seen don't even require a library card, just your email or phone number to sign up for a program! Be it a presentation, class, or event, the library is the place to be!

❕Events of interest. I think about what I'm interested in and what I would like to connect with people about, and I search around to see what I can find. I use sites like Eventbrite to help me search.

💻 Online Communities. For those who can't make it out very often, consider joining online communities by searching for fandoms or topics of interest and see if there is a discord server, bluesky feed, tumblr community, or other communities on socials!

How to make friends:

Consistency. Once you find a place you enjoy going to, an organization you whose events your enjoy attending, or a series of events that takes place KEEP GOING!! Consistency is key, you have to keep interacting with folks to become friends with them.

Transparency. Just be yourself, but that doesn't mean you should be trauma dumping! Sharing personal detail allows us to feel closer to people, but make sure you're not sharing too much information! That can always come later when you're closer friends.

Confidence. You have to believe that you're someone that people want to be friends with. Don't believe it? Well ask your current friends why they are friends with you! You'll not only get a confidence boost, but also hopefully share a touching moment with your existing friends.

Follow up. If you want to be friends with someone you've met, you have to build up the nerve to further connect with them. This means sharing phone numbers or socials.

Start talking. The best way to do this is by asking questions or by giving a non-threatening compliment. Try not to make it all about you, though it is easiest to talk about the one thing we know best (ourselves) it typically won't help you make new friends! Show that you're interested in them, their thoughts and feelings on the topic of the event or a neutral topic such as musicians or food.

Questions. Ask open ended and non-invasive questions and follow through. Examples below!

Invite them out. Once you've established an acquaintance, invite them to hang out! BUT if you're the one inviting them out then you need to make sure you have some plan in mind. This could be going to a trivia night, a local event, or going to a new place together.

Further questions or topics of discussion:

I'm new to this [place or reocurring event] how long have you been coming here? Do you like it so far?

If you could be a crab or a lobster, which would you be and why? (make sure you have an answer ready!)

How long have you known about [place or event theme]? What got you interested in [place or event theme]?

(If at an event with drinks or food) I'm having trouble deciding what to choose, what should I try?

What superpower would you want and why?

What do you do for work? Do you like it? (follow by asking non-invasive questions about their job. This is easier when you have no clue what the job position actually is, lol).

Hey, I really like your style! Where did you get your outfit?/Who or what are your fashion influences?

What questions or topics of discussion do you typically go for when meeting new people?

[normalenjoyer-png]

loose part 2 to this

just going to ramble under the cut cause as much as i'd like to lore dump via comic i simply am not a comic artist loll

OKAY SO. undyne wants to ask for sans's help tearing down the core and rebuilding it (aka: sans's original plan). if it works, sans gets his eye back and the core is working again and everyone's happy. if it doesn't work, well. it's not like sans can't just destroy it again. or destroy his eye, or threaten to destroy his eye to distract undyne and then destroy the core again. wink wonk.

undyne is genuine in wanting to try and fix things. she knows aliza is probably her best bet in getting sans to help, as she's actually managed to like. form some type of relationship with sans. admittedly it's largely through papyrus who would be happy to try and convince sans as well, but they both know that actually convincing sans is highly unlikely. and they're not willing to push it due to sans' instability.

ultimately i'm gonna say i don't see any convincing actually happening. sans is far too distrustful of undyne to actually be in her space, and wouldn't just give plans to aliza to deliver cause then he wouldn't be there to destroy the core if the plan didn't work but the core was still reassembled and just used sans' eye as the power source. also i just don't trust myself to expand on horrortale canon cause i think it would get out of hand+lose what horrortale's all about lol.

however if it did work out!! i think undyne and sans' relationship would be so cool to explore. undyne would be genuine in her wanting to repair it, but she's still harsh and cruel and sans is still paranoid and aggressive. i think if they were working on it together they could probably get some semblance of a good relationship back. i think that once sans had possession of his eye again tho, he would lose a lot of that paranoia and aggression because like. his life isn't literally in undyne's hands anymore yk. he wouldn't lose it completely given past events and like literal head trauma/brain damage. i think it's largely just part of his personality now. but it would be better. undyne would be too because the relief of actually succeeding as queen and being able to feed everyone would probably make her so much more fun to be around lol.

ANYWAY IM JUST THINKIN<33

additional notes

- i think sans's eye can still see when it wants to, that's how he knew aliza was with undyne. it's dormant most of the time just because it's useless to be on all the time, but he absolutely spies on undyne. when undyne finds out he stops (cause it's pointless to spy on things when you're not a spy anymore) but undyne still deliberately gets his attention to curse him out after a bad outing or something lmaooo

- "papyrus isn't home" sans's only form of emotional regulation isn't home and if we push it further he'll probably kill me lol

[dragon-cookies]

Episode 7, here goes nothing

You are literally too perfect for this show sir

Why does Alastor have more screentime in Charlie's room than her literal girlfriend

WHY DO THEY LITERALLY SHARE A BED BEFORE WE SEE CHARLIE AND VAGGIE DO

He's so fucking happy listening to her trauma dump I hate him /pos

Oh yeah the whole "angels can be killed" was a plot point wasn't it lol

Damn Charlie why so bitter about Vaggie being an angel. Like I understand being upset she kept such a big secret from you but it's not like she didn't have her reasons? Vaggie probably just figured it'd be safest to pretend to be a demon since she couldn't return to Heaven

"Come now Alastor she's much too young for you" S T O P

OH SHIT actual verbal confirmation Alastor's ace?? I was NOT expecting that

Cannibal Town is lovely design-wise but the characters dressed in red on a background is getting hard to look at

Rosie's design is pretty nice too, her design isn't too overly complicated

Carmilla: *makes it clear she doesn't want to help Vaggie fight angels* Also Carmilla: *immediately starts teaching Vaggie how to fight angels* Make it make sense ma'am

"It's not like you've ever failed to inspire before" Al I don't think Charlie's managed to inspire anyone once but okay

Susan.

I also just realized, wouldn't you think Vaggie would know something about how to kill an angel since she is one? Or at the very least know their weak points?

Oh okay so Vaggie didn't even know she herself could be harmed, fair enough I suppose

Wait so the angels' main weakness is their own weapons? And no one has figured this out until just now???

Carmilla's design looks way better with her hair down imo

It is honestly a crime Vaggie has such little screentime as she does, because the more I see of her the more I like her. It's also so frustrating Charlie basically just cut her off the second she found out she was an angel when her whole goal is redeeming people?? Charlie why are you fine with every other character calling you a bitch and Alastor literally owning peoples' souls but completely shun your own girlfriend because she (understandably imo) kept a secret from you??

And even after Charlie shunned her Vaggie is STILL 100% dedicated to supporting her cause and is willing to fight to keep her safe. Vaggie you deserve so much better

Aw Al giving Charlie his mic is sweet, what can I say. Characters trusting another character with a prized possession of theirs gets me

Hmmmm Al and Rosie's duet sounds a little sus. Sounds like Al wants to shape Charlie into something specific. Maybe in order to take over Hell or something??

Charlie why you making that face about your girlfriend's wings, what are you thinking about

Also really kinda wish these two actually sat down and had a talk together, but we already know this show has zero down time, so onto the finale I guess. So, so much of this show's pacing could be fixed if these characters just sat down and talked to each other. Charlie specifically should be spending more time with all the characters she claims to care about, but I'd be willing to bet money she's not Viv's favorite character lmao

I feel like this show was really scared it wasn't going to get another season, so they just crammed as much stuff as they could into 8 episodes. Which, now that it's been renewed for another season, what exactly are they planning on doing going forward? Ease up on the lightning-fast pacing or just keep the same momentum? If it gets more than two seasons I honestly have no clue what they're going to do story-wise because pretty much everything is being wrapped up neatly. Ah well, I guess time can only tell

[grief-worn]

munday: getting to know you ! ! !

Respond to the following prompts out of character, then tag others you'd like to get to know a little bit better!

ROLEPLAYER NAME: addi, or sometimes i go by glacier.

ROLEPLAYER PRONOUNS: they/them.

MUSE NAME: on this blog; shadowheart.

PREFERRED COMMUNICATION: gay hand-holding and parallel play. alternatively; here on tumblr (asks/dms/etc) or on discord if we're friends/good mutuals!

EXPERIENCE: i think my very first roleplay was on gmail chat, pfft. but i also did stuff on deviantart, IRC chatrooms, forums, skype/discord, and this one roleplay site i will not name because it's genuinely awful. (no it's not f-list). i have pretty limited experience writing on tumblr. just recently got back into it here after having a kinda meh experience in the resident evil fandom.

PREFERRED ROLEPLAY TYPE: not sure if this means like ... 3rd person? or like ... paragraph length? or what, but i'm open to pretty much anything! i'm super open-minded. i don't even dislike the infamous 1st person writing style, as someone who hungrily consumes reader insert fanfics.

PET PEEVES AND DEAL-BREAKERS: kind of a hard one to answer, but here's what i can think of off the top of my head:

guilt by association: dealt with a bit of this in another fandom. just because i'm writing with someone doesn't mean i'm aware of their issues. curate who you follow and what you see on your dash for sure, i will always understand quietly blocking to maintain your own peace, but i've gotten mixed up in some weird stuff just because i ended up writing with the wrong person.

heavy formatting: this isn't like, that big of a deal-breaker, i just specifically have poor eyesight and difficulty reading/processing words if there's a bunch of different fonts, and font sizes, and colors, and whatnot. definitely might be something i ask people to tone down, but it doesn't really make me mad haha.

soft blocking instead of hard blocking: i'm pretty stupid. please make it obvious if you don't wanna interact anymore! otherwise i won't realize and i'll probably accidentally make it worse orz.

vagueposting/sub-tweeting: that stuff is kinda mean and weird. i don't like seeing it!

PLOTS OR MEMES: either one is awesome, but they both definitely have their contextual uses! sometimes a bit of talking beforehand is nice, sometimes i like just winging it. they're both fun!!

LONG REPLIES OR SHORT REPLIES: again, they're both fun. long replies are sort of harder to get to since they take so long to write but sometimes that's exactly what i want; to get lost in a reply for like 2 hours straight. not sure if i have a preference, it's just that short replies are faster and therefore fit better into my daily schedule, but that doesn't mean i don't love dumping my text walls <3

BEST TIME TO WRITE: unfortunately i've found that writing at 4am when everyone is asleep is a WONDERFUL time for my creativity hehe. i wish i could write as good in the daylight hours lol !!!

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE: yes and no. personality wise; not really. we're both kind of goofy deep, deep down. and i project a lot of myself onto her, but i think that's just because her story and trauma resonate with me very strongly! i try not to like, overwrite her character and inject too much of my own stuff. i honestly just have the biggest, fattest crush on her and i need more of her in whatever way i possibly can have. i guess we both love animals. but i'd never have such ugly bangs. ew, shadowheart.

tagged by: @astralrogue (thank you very much!)

tagging: whoever wants to do this :3 it's sharing a lot of ooc info so i don't wanna pressure peeps!!!

[bluebellhairpin]

Hi Nemo! If you're willing, can you tell me about your selfship with Arthur? 👉👈 My husband IRL has played RDR and RDR2, but I feel like I still know next to nothing about him/his world, and I want to know how you fit into it! It's evident that he makes you happy, and I'd love to talk to you more about him, I just don't know where to start!

Love you, hope you're having a good day 🩶

"It's evident that he makes you happy" OMG YOU NOTICED 🥺🥺🥺

Anyway, oc/selfship lore dump below bc I could bet money that this is gonna get long lol

So like all my selfships, I like to throw together a little self insert oc to match - makes things more immersive imo.

This one is only known as Red. She's quiet and keeps to herself a lot. She doesn't partake in a lot of gang activities as far as the outlaw side of things go.

Like's to keep herself as honest as possible. She does learn to hunt after a while, and that helps her bring in money bc she sells most of what she kills. She attempted to learn pickpocketing off Mary-beth, but she "has too honest of a heart to fool anyone, they'd see (her) coming a mile away". So she sticks to keeping clean and straight as far as crimes go. She could turn to bounty hunting, but again - she doesn't really enjoy the risk of killing her bounty if things turned bad, so she avoids that too.

She also had a buckskin stallion called Leroy who is her little baby boy who can do no wrong, and who she pampers SO BAD. He's actually quite cuddly, and very protective of her.

If Red was a character in-game, she'd probably join the gang's girls in venturing into Valentine during 'Polite Society, Valentine Style'. Actually I can imagine her being someone who latches on as someone who joins in on missions rather than having any specific to her like other characters. She definitely plays a role as one of the main cast in the epilogue with John - if she had a solo mission with the player it'd probably be during that time.

Her relationship with Arthur though, following in-game canon, is so tricky. Like Arthur has. Trauma. Both his past canon relationships left him a bit messed up. Eliza died, and Mary left him - and and like it's messed with his self esteem so bad lol. So I can see both him and Red skirting around 'will they wont they' for a very long time - maybe even only deciding to comfort it at the very end of the game when Arthur's trying to 'fix' everything while he's still alive. Like there's a definite fondness, maybe even favoritism, between the two and it would definitely show though when they interacted. A lot of untapped potential - painfully so - if they weren't both so emotionally constipated.

Honestly the best part of the canon-esque storyline is post game. (AND IS ALSO WHY I THINK THIS HAS SEVERLY UNTAPPED PLOY SHIP POTENTIAL!!!) Her and Charles Smith wander off to Canada and use their mutual fondness of Arthur as a gateway to a really good relationship. They settle down on some land, get married, and start a family. They're each other's 'no one else understands what I've been though or how I feel except you' person. They both lost Arthur, and he does kind of haunt them - they name their first child, a daughter, Morgan, for him. (I think the relationship progress with Charles lies a lot with how straightforward I see him coming across as - in my head he doesn't hide how he feels so much, and by then Red has a lot of regret about not acting soon enough with Arthur, so she's a lot more willing to act by that point too.)

AND FIREND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON MY MORDEN AU THOUGHTS. They're a lot less sad, BUT GOOD GRIEF. SO MUCH MORE HORNY.

[zara-renata]

HI HI HI ‼️‼️ Just read ur caleb fic and I haven't gotten to the second part yet but I needed 2 tell u how awesome I think it was!! I've honestly been so conflicted on how I feel about the whole adopted sibling thing LMAO I think ur fic cleared my feelings up a lot better! I think these relationships are very interesting to explore and I feel as if there's a right and wrong way to go about it yk? Thats why I don't really connect with alot of dark romance no matter how much I'd like to, but your fics actually are really great at expressing these complicated relationships in a valid ass way lowkey, especially after reading your sylus fic with the whole choking/starving in the beginning of their relationship I feel like it was fleshed out so appropriately because you don't just flat out ignore the issue yk?? I feel the same way about this caleb fic and I can't wait to read more in the future!! Great work and sorry 4 the random dm dump LOL ♥️♥️♥️

hey there, thank you so much for this message, and hooo boy i hope you don't hate the second part. I felt compelled to provide context for all the subsequent parts i have in mind (which is not that many, unlike the sylus series), but i felt like i couldn't give proper context to mc's emotional state and response to his death in this particular take on his character without talking about them as kids and then teenagers. This turned into an essay, as uh, it always does when someone makes the mistake of talking to me. So more under the cut if you're interested.

i can understand feeling conflicted about the adopted sibling aspect of their relationship. i'm glad my take helped you conceptualize it, and that you enjoyed how i approached mc's trauma as a result of sylus in the sylus fics too. But if you're still feeling conflicted about Calebmc, you can always choose to accept Infold's EN translations as canon. They can just be childhood friends to you, and that's 100% valid. I just can't separate the original intended relationship dynamic from the characters after having played the game last year where they were adopted siblings, and I have no moral qualms about exploring that dynamic in fiction because I think human relationships are messy as hell in reality and fiction is a safe place to do such exploration.

personally, i don't think there is a 'wrong' or 'right' way to go about discussing complicated relationships, because the potential danger of fiction is less dangerous than entering the territory of censorship, knee-jerk moral outrage, and puritanical constraints of creative expression. Like, personally I don't like to read regurgitated, exploitative, misogynistic stale smut, but i think people have the right to write it and read it even if i don't think it's good, because who am i to draw the line for someone else regarding what is valuable or a safe way to express their feelings? For me personally, there's either enjoyable dark fiction, or there's shit dark fiction, and I just choose to not read further once I realize it's of the shit variety. And the difference for me between enjoyable and shit is the following: if a really fucked up story with incredibly toxic relationship dynamics is well thought-out, if the motivations make sense, if there is context and believable reasons why characters do the things they do, if it seems like the author has unpacked for themselves why they want to tell this story and do so with commitment and humanity instead of stripping the characters of their personhood just to be shocking, then I can accept it, even if i have to be in a very specific mood to actively enjoy it or want to engage with it. But if they fail to do that, then I'm just not gonna read it.

I've been thinking about this a lot as I've gotten more excited for Caleb's release the closer we get to it, because for me, Sylus has always been a green flag, and always a lot healthier than the fandom portrayed him, and the fact that the fandom liked to turn him into a dark alphahole always pissed me off because it was just poor characterization. And I don't want to do what the fandom did to Sylus with Caleb: i think Caleb will end up being an equally green flag, with just the obsessive, possessive tendencies that Infold has hinted at as only being highlighted in the events and memories as a sprinkling of 'bad boy' titillation like they do with xav's jealousy or raf's rage or sylus's 'i'm such a sexy bad man' vibes. But because Caleb has been presented as an adversary, as being-two faced, manipulative, with 'possessive' flashing on the screen in his PV, with his 'you can't leave without my permission,' i've been having a lot of fun thinking about okay, how far can I take these darker traits with him while still staying true to his canon characteristics and infold's track record of only giving us green flags for LIs, while simultaneously keeping him swoony and romantic and not swerving completely into unhinged, toxic, not-fun-to-read territory. Because I think having someone who knows you inside and out, who feels possessive and protective of you, who is so completely wrapped up in your wants and needs--there's a particular kind of appeal in that for a certain kind of person. whereas these traits may be suffocating and actually horrible to deal with in real life, they're so fun to fantasize about as a comfort in fiction, and like Sylus, I think Caleb presents that kind of comfort. And Sylus in canon is pretty chill when it comes to possessiveness and jealousy, because he's so self-assured. he knows he's hot shit and you're the other half of his soul. He mentions being worried you're going to forget about him when he's gone, but he approaches it like a man with a plan, as opposed to a man with only fear as his motivation. I can see Caleb, however, being a lot more afraid of and vulnerable to the feeling of losing MC, and that will make him go to more extremes in securing mc at his side. and that's fun, in fiction, to explore.

Anyway, thanks so much about the really kind feedback on the first part of the Caleb fic, I'm really, really glad you liked it. I hope you like the rest. I've started the third part where it's back in the present, but I have a busy weekend ahead and probably won't be able to post it until later next week. and who knows, what we learn next week may destroy any plans i have for it, and i'll let it just be a weird little two-part OOC exercise in 'too impatient for caleb content to wait to write him' on my part :). And of course, I haven't abandoned sylus and the series. i'm just trying to write what is making me insane at the moment in order to avoid burnout on the writing. again, thank you so much for the kind message.

[leosabi]

for the f/o ask game: 🌼🪻 🍀 :]

—gelatinous-globster

lmfao i'm so late to answer these (T_T) thank you for sending an ask though!!! @gelatinous-globster

🌼Is there an official confession scene between the two of them?

yes! the only posted version i have of it is very old and no longer totally accurate, but it's here if you want to read something written by a leo who was still a teenager ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i think it's cringe but that's also just because i'm looking at my past self when i look at it. that's my current active ao3 account as well btw, i have some other leosabi oneshots up but lately i've been writing sonic stuff. also proud of the clone wars/bad batch stuff that's on there

for a summary, it takes place directly after aunt cass goes out. my self insert is out biking during the events of the episode and is knocked off his bike by a stray buddy guard. he breaks his arm. in swoops superhero wasabi--and this is when i find out, for the first time, about his secret identity. after getting my arm set i make a joke like "i could just kiss you right now" wrt him saving me and bringing me to the hospital. wasabi brushes it off as meds and tiredness and whatever.

next morning, i try to apologize for the joke, saying that it's weird and i should not have said it

and wasabi blurts out that he doesn't think it would be weird. if we kissed.

:)

🍀 Do You have any other scenes in mind? Angsty, Tender, Funny, Etc.

i have a lot of angst i've written that'll never be posted, because it's about personal trauma stuff lol. i think some of it i'd like to share and i'm just nervous about peoples' reactions. a lot of it is really vague and i don't mind people knowing i just don't want them to view me differently or be awkward when discussing the written work, y'know? but yeah. a lot of trauma angst

i have a fic i'm working on--perpetually, apparently, because i've had this in mind for YEARS--about momakase kidnapping my self insert a la fan friction

i also have an idea for a whole fan season of bh6 involving a villain inspired by hatsune miku, and my self insert would be there because i honestly can't imagine writing bh6 fic that i'm not in. it all just feels so real to me (^_^;;) but yeah that's another idea i've had for years and the main thing stopping me is that i never wrote a full fic about what leosabi is doing during bh6 season 2. but honestly i should just go for it

i would also love to write more hurt/comfort where wasabi is the hurt one and i'm the one comforting him. ocd, injuries from being a superhero, maybe even grief over tadashi. i feel like i really haven't explored that stuff as much as i want to other than in lengthy discord conversations from a few years back.

🪻Wild Card!!! Info dump about anything!!

i can't see this emoji on desktop, i have no idea what that is lmfao

ANYWAY i don't bring this up enough, but my self insert is a livestreamer. not like, the top guy on twitch or anything, but he is a livestreamer with a following large enough to pay half the bills and has friends from around the world he plays games with.

when i first conceptualized this they were a team of overwatch players, but i'm still so mad about overwatch 2 that now we play fortnite or mario kart or cozy games or something idk

wasabi very much avoids being in my streams, especially showing his face, because he's worried about his identity getting leaked. but sometimes you'll hear his voice off camera and the chat will go wild about "lemursabi"

this, however, results in a huge risk whenever i'm seen with wasabi in his superhero armor in public. the wrong person snaps a picture and i get identified as this particular streamer and then people try and doxx me to find out who chop chop is :p i have fic ideas for that, too, but it seems like...A Lot. i do love the ideas of tabloids being in love with us tho. obviously since it's tabloids we're talking about, it's, like, derogatory, but it's probably really funny to read things and point out everything they got blatantly wrong about you

[bthump]

I wanted to ask what you mean by this? "It takes some liberties with filler, and makes a few subtle changes with big fallout in terms of Guts leaving the Hawks imo (ie removing the inherent criticism and portraying it as necessary, which changes the central theme of the story lol)" What do you mean the 97 anime removes inherent criticism for Guts leaving the hawks and portrays it as necessary? I don't get what you're saying at all so I'd appreciate an explanation.

lol sorry, I breezed right over that because I've talked about it before and I have a tendency to forget that no one's read everything I've ever posted.

So basically

a) Guts leaving the Hawks was a Bad Decision in the manga. If you don't agree then this requires an essay behind it, so voila, here's that essay.

b) The anime portrayed it as a Good Decision for Guts, something he needed to do in pursuit of a noble, worthwhile goal.

The anime does this by changing a few key moments. One obvious one I always cite is the scene at Godo's, when Guts does his waterfall log exercise. In the manga this scene occurs in flashback after Wyald knocks him unconscious. Erika tells Guts he's going to die if he continues on the path he's going, and asks why tf he's doing this to himself. Guts basically says he has to get strong enough to defeat Zodd. End scene.

This contextualizes Guts' dream of sword swinging as an irrational need to defeat the guy who beat him. His goal is to fight Zodd again and win. Symbolically, due to the similar imagery they have in Guts' various nightmares and the essential themes of the story, Guts is driven to self-destructively fight monsters because of his csa trauma.

The anime, conversely, turns this moment into the first part of a training montage, dumps the conversation about fighting Zodd, and ends with Guts successfully slicing logs in half, signifying that he's now Strong Enough. It flattens all the nuance and implicit criticism of Guts out and turns it into a typical inspirational shounen moment.

There's also the Guts/Casca sex scene changing from two traumatized and miserable people hooking up ("licking wounds") into a much more cliched and straightforward romantic moment (using Guts' theme as a music cue, cutting out the choking and rape flashbacks and denial ("Don't think about those things right now,") swapping "I don't know if you'll get in the way of what I want to do or the opposite, but I wanna have you a hundred, no a thousand times" with "I don't know what the future will bring, all I know is I want to keep holding you," etc). All this adds up to Guts wanting to leave again with Casca being framed as the happily ever after that got foiled by the Eclipse, rather than part of the bad decision pile up that caused the Eclipse.

Cutting out the night after Guts leaves is another big one, removing Guts reflecting on whether he's making the right decision or whether he's throwing away a home and family based on a meaningless ideal that he can't even fulfill because it's a contradiction ("In the first place I got this idea in my head from hearing Griffith's words. If I hadn't... so can I say I've set out by my own will?") Spoiler alert, it's the second one. This theme is reinforced during the Lost Children Arc, so while it's not the anime's fault it cuts off abruptly, losing most of the Black Swordsman stuff also doesn't help.

The loss of the Wyald sequence in general cuts out so much implicative Guts character stuff - the irrationally driven to fight monsters due to trauma thing I mentioned earlier, but also Casca crying about it indicating that she would not be supportive of his goal if they did go off together, the self-destructiveness of Guts' monster hunting, and the parallels between Guts and Wyald (ie the other Hawks wondering if Guts is human, Wyald's forces being called the Black Dogs).

Even little tiny things like Guts telling Casca to stay back in the torture chamber, phrased as though he wants to spare her the sight of Griffith, rather than like he's irrationally guarding Griffith from anyone's approach, as is the manga vibe:

I don't think these changes are exactly intentional. I think they're mainly for pacing/content reasons - Guts stay at Godo's needed to be fleshed out because now it's half an episode, Guts' rape trauma is cut out so the Guts/Casca scene becomes less complicated, Skull Knight got cut so no long dark night of regretful contemplation, the Wyald sequence is a nightmare of pacing that had to be cut lol, etc. But they all add up to a Guts who is less flawed, less driven by trauma, and more driven by a noble, shounen-esque goal to be the best. It simplifies the story a lot imo, and downplays a lot of what makes Guts' narrative interesting to me.

Thanks for asking, hope that makes sense!

[geneticallymodifiedidiot]

funny stupid sad angry post

uh so the poll said yes

so here goes? i've got no idea how to do this

tw: vent, self-sabotage, sh/cutting, eating disorder(?)/calorie counting, suicide ideation

please for the love of god if any of these trigger you in any way don't read this through. i'm not worth making your triggers worse. don't do that to yourself.

this is a really long fucking post. we'll see if i end up deleting it. if people just tell me that my problems aren't that bad (which is totally possible) then i'll delete it. no harm done.

let the brain dump begin

why am i doing this? it's not like i'd let myself accept help if anyone decided to try

uh idk it feels like i'm not doing enough

i'm not good enough for my friends, my school performance isn't good enough, i'm not doing enough to help other in general, i'm not doing enough to maintain relationships with my family and other people close to me, my "skills" aren't good enough, my problem aren't good enough to be considered problems, a lot of stuff like that

like the friend thing is like i feel like my friends are way better at being supportive and helping each other than i am, i'm trying my best but i can't seem to do enough because we're all just sad and i feel like i can't help

i constantly want to tell my friends "hey, you guys know that if i'm not a good enough friend, you can leave/stop being my friend and i won't get mad, right?" but i don't because i'm worried they actually might.

i went on a really long trip overseas this past summer and spent some time with family and i feel like i was a terrible person the whole time because my egg had cracked like a solid two weeks beforehand and i hated the idea of having to exist as two people at once bc my family has not exactly presented themselves as the most trans-friendly people but they also haven't made it so it's obviously a bad idea to come out to them. just a collection of offhand comments and unclear/lack of messaging around trans people has made it so i feel like it would be a bad idea, but if i'm wrong, then these people deserve better from me and not for me to hide myself from them.

the most unclear part of this for me is my mom, because like she's not the best but it's not obvious to me if she's actually bad. like i've seen a lot of things especially on this site about how trauma and abuse are overused terms but i don't know what qualifies. whenever i see examples i seem to fall in a middle ground between them. like it's mostly mental. she doesn't hit me (although idk i feel like i might remember some stuff from very long ago and there's one major event that i'm not going to get into) but there's just some things. like when i tried to come out as aroace, she never explicitly rejected that, but she also didn't... say anything. both times. and also when i first told her that i thought i might have adhd, she said something along the lines of "oh yeah, when you were young the doctor said you had some adhd tendencies, but we're not going to get you diagnosed because i don't want you to use it as an excuse." which, i guess, but something doesn't seem right about that.

but she's not explicitly terrible either, like i have stuff. she lets me leave the house pretty often. she's not super uptight about grades as long as i don't miss assignments. idk, it's super confusing. it's not entirely her fault either, she's an immigrant and english is her second language. there's a big age gap between us (40 years) its probably hard for her to raise a child, especially one as horrifically difficult to deal with as me. one time she said she hated me, but she apologized later and said she misspoke. which is fair i guess, she was under stress at the time. if i was her, id probably hate me too. idk i feel bad for saying i miss my dad (he died 5 years ago) my mom's trying her best and she got the bad luck of getting a child that is much more difficult than she bargained for. god im a terrible child lol.

oh, on the adhd thing- i feel like i exhibit symptoms for adhd pretty recognizably (although im not diagnosed, so its technically possible that i don't and i just need to try a little bit harder) but also i feel like i exhibit some signs of autism. but again. what. the heck. qualifies. i don't like drums (especially snare drums, which are RIGHT BEHIND ME IN BAND WHY-) and im bad with convoluted noise in general. but also like, i don't exhibit this all the time. sometimes i won't even notice drums all that much. sometimes i realize lights are way too bright like five minutes after being around them. i get hyperfixations, but im pretty sure that could just be the adhd thing. im bad at talking to people but again, i could just be bad. i scored 150 on the RAADS-R test, but that's not a diagnosis. idk. hah.

i'm outright just a negative person to be around, i can't think of a single person that is better off because i'm in their life. they either have to deal with all of my problems or i just end up not talking to them as much as a good friend should.

also i feel like my "skills" are really bad to the point that i can barely call them skills. in band, on my first instrument (euphonium) i'm first chair in the symphonic/advanced/audition band (somehow) but there's this one interval in a solo that i cannot nail down. and its annoying. in marching band its even worse, im on sousaphone which some would say is the most important instrument, but the director tells us to play louder all the freaking time (there's only 7 sousaphones and the band is like 200 people). my rank tells me im playing well but like. aaa. i could be playing better. last years rank leader was so ridiculously loud and i don't think i can match him.

other "skill" is cooking. some people might have seen the attempt at bread that i made. and the interior is just a mass of gluten. like. come on, i can do better than that. and then i also made like a chili dish to go with the bread, and the recipe called for too many beans. i should've recognized it, but no. there are too many beans. im annoyed. my mom doesn't like to eat beans that much so i feel like i failed her too. which, lovely.

ehhhh yeah i can talk about dysphoria here too. why not. idk one thing that made me spiral a bit was one of the people im not out to in marching band said "deadname you should get a buzz cut again it looked good" (i had a buzz cut for much of my childhood because long hair felt too hot) and fucking- i look better with a buzz cut than with long hair?! fucking murder me! oh my god! should i even transition as an adult at this point, i'd probably look even worse than i do now! am i just goddamn destined to be unhappy with my appearance?! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ok tw for sh for this next part

so all this manifested in a cutting habit (yippee) which is. mildly terrifying. but also i feel like this problem is also inferior because they aren't all that deep. like i see things about sh support that are like "here's how you know you hit an artery" and im like well. that's not been a problem insofar. maybe im being dramatic about this.

i don't even know why i do it. i don't feel particularly better when i do it. i guess i could be like adrenaline doping but that's not that big of a thing. it doesn't make me like special or worse than other people, cutting isn't that uncommon from what i've seen. 52% of trans girls reported self-injury over the past year (per the trevor project)

the annoying this is even when i see a way out i don't take it. when i first started i was using a partially rusted razor which i completely recognized as dangerous but like. i have my shots (thanks mom.) so that happened for a while until the rust got to the point where the blade was dull. yeah, that's the reason i stopped using a rusty knife: not because of the rust and the tetanus risk, but because the blade was getting dull. that's fucking pathetic.

so instead of stopping like a normal fucking person i (still cannot believe i did this) went on amazon and bought a $10 pocketknife. and now that's just on my person. i could've stopped, i had an out, but i spent money on a different knife. s t u p i d.

tw suicide ideation

oh, something else horrifying? the thoughts i had regarding sh like... two months prior to starting are. shockingly similar to the thoughts i have regarding suicide. (i don't think i'm going to commit suicide, that's a bit more commitment that a few scars on my forearm and thighs). but i mean like, i like to sleep. maybe this wouldn't be too different. people wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

and don't tell me i "matter," i'm perfectly aware of the 143.8lbs of matter i take up in this universe i take up and how much of a waste it is. possible eating disorder tw for the next part.

okay like. im weird with food. what the hell counts as an eating disorder. im not underweight, (i know this is not an end-all be-all by any stretch of a hyperflexible imagination, but my bmi's 19.0. that's technically in the healthy range). i'm skinnier than i was 18 months ago. but like. i'm not wasting away. i just have a calorie-counting habit that is. annoying. along with a general fear of gaining weight. sometimes i'll eat what i feel is too much and i have an urge to make myself vomit (i've never done that before, but i have a general idea) but the thing that stops me is the vivid image of my esophagus dissolving. which i guess is good.

why? i don't know. that's a theme here, isn't it. i don't know why im the stupid ridiculous way that i am, which probably means im bullshitting everything. but i don't know. it's like all my issues are on the borderline of "okay you need actual help" and "eh, you'll probably be fine. just push through it." which again probably suggests that im actually fine and being ridiculous about everything. i'm not the only person in this world who has dysphoria. im not the only person whos unsure about coming out to their family. im not the only person who engages in self-injury. im not the only person who has suicidative thoughts from time to time. i have what most people would call a good life. im physically able-bodied, lean, fit into the school system, have a parent, i live near a school, and im not under threat of dying by someone else's hand. these are all advantages that tons of people probably wish they had. why do i complain so much. im so ready for this post to get a response of "this is nothing, just deal with it. good god." and that's fair.

idk, i guess im tired. im tired of avoiding the mirror constantly, tired of keeping a running track of the amount of energy ive consumed in the past 24 hours, tired of doing the same thing each day with no real end in sight, tired of feeling like i need to push myself harder, tired of seeing an arm covered in scars when i reach over myself to turn off the light each night when i go to sleep, tired of going to sleep and sometimes wishing i wouldn't wake up.

do i even deserve anything. do i deserve friends. do i deserve to be happy. do i deserve to get the things i want. do i deserve a good life. do i deserve to transition if i want to. do i deserve help. do i deserve to take up societies resources, whether that be food, water, medical care, or therapy.

do i deserve to live?

if you read this far, uh. im sorry. this probably took a long time that could be better dedicated to something more important than a random teenager on the internet. but here we are.

if you want to say something 1. probably don't. my brain has found a way to basically not let me accept help but if you want to try, that's your prerogative. 2. if you want to say something but don't know what to say, that's fine. i know the feeling and what the hell do you say to whatever this post is anyway.

[sanityshorror]

Hii, how would you describe Cian's personality? (Since you dropped him he's been my favourite along with Kelly)

Also how would you say is his relationship with Devlin, do they live together, (or does the whole hellcrew live together in one big house?), who takes more care of the other?

And, one last question I've had for like a week already, if Cian had the chance to, would he have more kids?

Oooo yay long Cian ask and so much lore to dump!!! I'll put this below an undercut for the sake of everyone's dash lol. I'm gonna ask you to resend the other question beyond personality in other asks, as though no fault of your own, just his mere 101 personality turned into an essay xD if you don't want to send them again though/forget to, I'll answer them in separate posts lol.

If I were to summarize Cian’s personality in one word: obsessive.

Elaboration below cut:

Cian is Killian's son, and very much like Killian in many ways despite the fact he didn't meet Killian for the first time until he was 13 and Killian was 26. He had ran away from Ireland shortly after turning 13, to America, to go find Killian. He's been obsessed with Killian and the idea of having a close relationship with Killian all his life, he has formed the delusion that if Killian had raised him since day once, that his life would have been wonderful and Killian would have protected him from the trauma he experienced despite Killian being hardly 13 at the time of Cian's birth.

Which brings me to the one word I would use to summarize his personality: obsessive. Cian either does not give a singular shit or he is hyper obsessive with absolutely no in-between. Due to having BPD and NPD, this is only intensified tenfold. Additionally, his personality disorders play a huge role in what causes him to obsessive over that aren't possible, that are unrealistic, etc.

One of his biggest obsessions is Killian…and that's an entire can of worms on its own so I'm going to (for my own sanity's [badumpTST] sake, not get into that here).

I'm going to need to get into his personality disorders and the way they effect his personality given…well, personality disorders affect nearly every damn second of your life when you have one. They shape your personality, they aren't called personality disorders for no reason. [Source: my own lived experience with cluster b personality disorders though I'd rather not disclose anything about my own beyond that; +extensive research and one and one talks with those with these disorders. Do not demonize cluster b, you are not welcome here if you do.]

Cian's NPD tends to present covertly, at least outwardly. He hates himself, but still feels entitled to everyone's love and worship. Of course, rationally, that's very unrealistic and unattainable. He finds himself hideous, but still thinks of very, very, very few are more attractive than he is. He feels pathetic but also feels like everyone is weak compared to him. “You wouldn't last a minute in my shoes,” is a phrase he likes to use.

His BPD is heavily intertwined with how clingy Cian can be. Of course, he has massive trust issues. He's terrified of being abandoned. Devlin, his life partner, is very much his Ultimate Favorite Person™ and he tends to start panicking if Devlin so much as lets go of his hand. That's a very rare occasion though, and if he isn't with Devlin, he's either following around Killian like a lost puppy and/or pestering Julius to give attention.

Killian will light heartedly mock Cian for it but with no real bite behind it. Julius tends to (shockingly) take the ‘babying’ route with Cian. This is mainly due to them both being the first other person they met who have BPD and NPD. Julius and Cian have always held a very close friendship, even though Julius will not refuse to acknowledge the friendship. Neither will Cian, he only would if Julius did first, as to not come off weak. Cian tends to mimic Julius, which certainly has brought out many of the ASPD traits Cian has though unlike Julius, falls short of the full diagnosis.

Devlin loves how attached and obsessive Cian is though, and he's very much equally attached and obsessive. It’s not uncommon to find both of the couples together.

Cian has a lot of trauma and Issues™ but he absolutely refuses to tell anyone, and has taken to just bottling everything up. He will deny it even when it's brought up to him directly.

Additionally, he has PPD (paranoid personality disorder) and OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder). He's an introvert and though he seems extremely domineering and controlling, he's not – at least not in his “hierarchy” – being the Hellcrew – as Cian is very much prone to hierarchical thinking, as is common among those with NPD.

If you want to know more about Cian or want me to further elaborate on any of this, please send me an ask!! Or many!! I love to talk about Cian!

**Disclaimer on Cian and Devlin's relationship: they did not meet until they were adults, when Dev was 20, and it was completely on their own WITHOUT Julius or Killian's influence. Julius and Devlin are like twins and see themselves that way. Cian and Devlin's relationship is not even close to “step bros in love,” it was much more of a huge “THE FUCK?!” when they finally found out everything, as Cian was unaware Julius was even related Dev, and Dev was unaware Julius was “alive” until a good four years of being with Cian. It's much more of (to the tune of Thunder rolls) an “AND THE CYCLE ROLLS…. THE CYCLE ROLLS!!” situation lol. If you aren't able to manage to comprehend that two adults who met as adults on their own aren't “step bros” in any manner…idk what to tell you lol

Devlin © @scarfaxia

[ndjournal]

Possible TW? But dw I don't talk about any specifics/details! Not trauma dumping.

So I like many others came to ND from LOA. I didn't have a ton of success with LOA, a lot of it was in vain (lol) but I did succeed in a 'major' way once, I "shifted realities" using LOA to one where a friend did not leave me on delivered for several days but replied almost immediately after I messaged him. The context is we had a falling out over a year ago and hadn't talked since and I really missed our friendship so much. So after the 'shift' we started talking again and it was really nice. Then I found ND and knew I would one day have to let go of this beloved friendship to realize Self too. Recently he suffered a personal loss and is in the process of grieving. I was really sad for him and let him know he could talk to me whenever and I'd be there for him. That was over a week ago. Then yesterday something bad happened to Vanessa. She could have fought it but she decided not to fight the dream. She surrendered and gave up. It was really unpleasant for her to feel all those feelings but I just observed..

***For clarity: I actually don't recommend just surrendering if your basic safety and wellbeing is at danger, guys. Please do use common sense. I don't entirely agree with ND teachers about surrendering when it comes to this part; literally none of the major ND books address anything about trauma/abuse. In practice, I told ego and body it wasn't real and surrendered but there was still a physiological trauma response that the body had to process, nothing was happening consciously in my mind in terms of thoughts but there were a lot of involuntary physiological responses. yes I was observing but was it necessary to watch the body to suffer immensely? I don't think so. Suffering is unnecessary for self-realization, don't impose that condition on yourself. I'm learning through personal experience to follow my own truth to Self and not just take on everything that the books teach at face value because I don't think some of their advice is all that practical***

Anyway, after what happened, I observed Vanessa and the body was really conflicted in many ways despite trying to distance Self from it. I thought of my good friend who was also suffering on his own and really wanted to reach out to him to check on him. I had held back on this because again, self-realization = letting go and letting things happen in the dream without doing anything? But how can it be wrong to have love for others and extend compassion? Vanessa didn't want to do it to gain anything, she just wanted her friend to be okay. That can never be wrong. I decided that teaching can fuck off in this case, I can do what I want so long I don't forget Self when I act.

So Vanessa reached out to her friend and he was surprisingly really open to her in ways he never was before? Something he never was before and she really appreciated it. Then he suggested catching up?? This is something that she had imagined and wanted to manifest for YEARS. And it just happened just like that? Things just happen on their own when you surrender.. Again guys, I don't recommend doing what I did for that specific scenario (I won't specify what happened). I'm only sharing to show the power of surrendering, I do NOT recommend surrendering in cases where your body's basic safety/needs are in jeopardy, that is unnecessary. PLEASE do not do that. I decided to surrender in that situation but you don't need to be in such a situation to surrender; you can surrender at any time.

Most importantly because of all that happened, I learned to listen to my own Self above any of the books. Fuck what the books/realized masters say if it doesn't sit right with you tbh; Ada said your greatest guru is your own Self and I 100% believe and trust in that above all else now. That would be my greatest advice of all for everyone from this experience. Not all of the teachings are actually practical or compassionate in taking into account any trauma/crisis management. It's fine for your body/mind/ego to protect itself as you observe, just remember you are Self and not what you are observing.

And if anyone's wondering, right now I am still observing my body process everything (mind never identified with it so mind is okay, but body stores trauma (not something I decided lol, just part of the dream) and reacted to it) but I am treating ego and body with gentle kindness and patience. *I* know all is safe, well and okay and we have learned a great lesson so it's all okay. This knowing has actually managed to speed up the healing and I don't think there's any long-lasting trauma effects either (Vanessa has used spiritual healing to help too though).

I used to keep checking for instant materialisation when I first started but I've given that up now lol. That just created too much pressure to realize Self and is backwards to letting go of desires and ego. It'll happen when it happens. Whenever that is. I just know all is perfect right now as I AM and am at peace to just be.

You said this journey isn't linear and that's true. And here's a reminder from Ada: "As long as you don't lose sight of your real self, you're always doing the right thing. When you catch yourself getting too involved with externals, just keep asking yourself ‘To whom it all happens?’. The final destination is the same, and the road there is shorter when you rely on your own inner voice."

So TRUST YOURSELVES ABOVE ALL ELSE, GUYS! And don't pressure your egos by putting time limits/deadlines on it. Just surrender and let go when it's practical and never lose sight of your real self. I'm sharing this in hopes that you learn from my experience and don't need to go through unnecessary suffering just for the sake of realizing Self.

Lots of love to you all <3

Oh anon, I'm so sorry you went through that.. :( but the way you handled everything is amazing and this lesson is so valuable. I absolutely agree with everything you said.

Ada said this to an anon who may have went through something similar:

I'm sorry such a thing happened, please do not allow anyone/anything to make you feel gross about yourself or any of your creations (thoughts/mind/body). Also don't feel like you have to live with that in any way and know you can change/revise it ever happening if it's weighing on your mind, this is your life and it's precious, and so is your body, nothing should happen against your will in your life ever, it is yours and yours alone to experience in the best ways. - 4dbarbie

Everyone please take care! Never take anything you read at face value and use it as a guide only, as a pointer. If something feels wrong, then don't ignore that. Follow and trust your inner voice above all else. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm glad you're safe and okay.

Lots of love <3

[luminae-system]

(Danny, as almost always, speaking)

Venty ramble-ish post of the day under the cut as promised in the update (ended up a long post, sorry)

If anyone wants a quick summary, there is a tldr bolded and green at the bottom! Would love some advice if anyone is nice enough to share their experiences and stuff.

Tw: General negative thinking, obsessive/repetitive thinking, ocd-like tendencies, lots of self-doubt, system doubt/self denial, brief neglect(? Descriptions, brief abuse mention (tell us if we missed something else)

I've been thinking of System Origins (xyz-genic) lately. Something about messy thoughts and obsessive patterns and stuff, our psychiatrist calls it "cow chewing" or something like that (since January, our memory has been shit, sorry).

So. I'm afraid to label us as traumagenic because like, as I mentioned in the notes of a reblog this week, we never went through traditional abuse, we had food and education and shelter and all that good stuff.

Maybe mom was down in the dumps herself, and dad was always away on a buissness trip, not to mention mom having to deal with three kids at the same time... so we never really got enough love and attention. We were loved ofc, and I am grateful for all mom did for us.

But like... her best wasn't enough in many ways, that's why we're in therapy since like 11 and always go off the deep end whenever we try to go long periods without a session (monthly sessions seems to be the stretch/limit). And well, we have more diagnoses than fingers in one hand already, wonderful! So funny! Amazing! /sarcasm

So, anyways, back to the topic. We never really lacked anything, were never abused, and the emotional neglect wasn't thaaat bad and totally not on propose. So... was it enough to form a traumagenic CDD system? Are we really disordered?

I do have emotional amnesia in the rare times we've managed to get someone else to be the main fronter, and we do have some ptsd symptoms but like... we do have a separate ptsd diagnosis bc of my ex-bf (another story/post, bad bad guy) and the childhood ptsd-like symptoms are nowhere in the same level as when we first got the diagnosis of the other ptsd.

And looking at posible diagnosis, Partial DID (pdid) is so so so close to what we experience! That's like, us! Main frontstuck host with other headmates acting as 'advisors' and less fronting and more passive influence and co-conciousness (even if we are monoconcious, it's a bit weird, don't wanna think too hard about it)

But like... I didn't start having "multiple people in my head" until like I was 14. Or atleast being conscious of it I guess. That's way past the age threshold for identity consolidation and thus traumagenic system formation...

So are we "disordered enough" to qualify as a disordered/CDD system? Would we make a mockery of "real" disordered systems to self-diagnose that?

I've been thinking of sharing with our current psychologist. The last one dismissed my concerns and said I was being a hypochondriac (god, it's always that excuse! Even with our physical health, which, yes, another post/story).

I'm scared of being wrong. What if I really am just talking to myself and making a sorta tulpamancy thing on accident? Ofc nothing wrong with that, but it would change our system dynamics a lot.

On the flipside, if we really are a traumagenic system... now what? I doubt there are any specialized psychologists for systems in our town... so yeah. Not sure what we would do after a hypothetical informal/formal diagnosis by our psychologist and/or psychiatrist.

Gosh. This is... a lot. And I tried to be brief. Sorry, and if anyone did read it all, thank you so much for caring about us! (Or being curious I guess lol). I'd love some advice

So, tldr: No abuse, only some emotional neglect on accident. Is it trauma enough for traumagenic? We disordered enough for a diagnosis? What if yes? What if not?

-----------------------

Bonus info for anyone(s) who want to give us advice (thank you!!!!)

System of 3

One front-stuck host and two "advisors"

Daena is a sorta reformed persecutor and sorta trauma holder?

Aelius is our protector (he is taking a long nap/trip somewhere in the brain, miss him)

Danny (me) and Daena are two sides of the same coin, share a lot of traits and stuff even if personality is different, basically like a median system.

Aelius is fully separate from us gals

Dissociation has been very common since we were a very young kid, especially derealization, though depersonalization did happen a lot too. Therapy has helped a lot in terms of grounding

Not much in terms of Amnesia I think? Like, maybe I'm not aware of something, but we do remember our childhood well enough to tell anecdotes and funny stories

We do have emotional amnesia tho, mostly with taking care of the body and household chores (remembering something but like, I did not do that. The memory spawned by itself???)

Uhhh ask for more details if needed!!!

[galaxythreads]

Hello! I’ve liked your fics for a long time, and was wondering if you would write something with fem- presenting Loki? There are some gender-fluid Loki fics on ao3, but I Need More To Live. I would write one, but I wouldn’t ever finish it.

I really want Loki to join the avengers in 2012 so that the other stuff doesn’t happen. sometimes I want Loki and Natasha to make fun of the rest of the avengers.

Idk I just really like the idea that Loki and Natasha would be friends. Or Loki and Wanda. (Except for all of the aforementioned characters got done so dirty by MCU. Isn’t that like a trope? Kill off the girl so the guy has a motivation to defeat the bad guy? Like from Green Lantern or something?

And Loki and Wanda got rewritten.). Whatever. I’m PERFECTLY OKAY! *eye twitches*

That kind of turned into a rant. Sorry.

Here are more of my headcanons, because I’d rather dm someone on tumblr instead of actually making a post on my blog. I’m weird.

-Loki was friends with Tchaikovsky and Mozart and Shakespeare. Maybe even Paganini, or like Ada Lovelace. Or Albert Einstein. Basically a lot of historical figures and also musicians from the 1980s.

-Loki is an honorary gay, because he’s an alien and aliens don’t have human concepts of gender and sexuality. But also you saw that 🏳️‍🌈hand flip🏳️‍🌈 he did in the 1602 episode. I mean, he was just being so gay in that 1602 episode. It was beautiful.

-Loki is a sad little boi. 🥺🥺

-Loki is a good little boi who got did dirty by MCU and Odin. (🥺🥺)

-Loki isn’t always a boy.🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️(unfortunately no gender-fluid flag emojis so 💕🤍💜🖤💙)

-Loki knows all the languages.

-Loki would watch anime and Kdramas if HE WASN’T DEAD.

-Loki is a theater kid.

-Loki is cat

-Loki knows how to play ALL the instruments. He likes cello the best though. Also he has perfect pitch.

-Loki needs therapy. Like two blue whales worth of therapy.

-If Tony and Loki ever had a long conversation, they would figure out how to solve world hunger and climate change and overpopulation AND THEIR MOTHERS. (It doesn’t make sense but just roll with it)

-Loki is a Major Fucking Nerd About Everything.

-Loki likes calculus as a hobby.

-Loki is, (un?)fortunately, a British stereotype.

-Loki ships appledash and narusasu.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Bye, and thanks for letting me dump headcanons on you.

Hi! Thank you so much for sharing all of these with me, it's so fun to see other people's headcanons about Loki and their excitement about his character. I love discussing this blorbo and cracking him open like an onion to peal away layers of trauma and reveal the nerd beneath.

Lol, the amount of times I've thought about doing an MCU rewrite post a1 to fix everything is insane. If I did do this, I'd actually probably start at civil war, because personally, I feel like everything was (generally) actually okay and enjoyable until infinity war. Civil war is just a good place to kick around the fix-its because everything is such a mess.

As far as your request goes, it might surprise you, but you're actually NOT the first person to approach me about a genderfluid, fem-presenting Loki. More like the....4th? or maybe 5th? Idk. I've definitely been approached by multiple people over the years about this. Firstly, thank you for trusting me with your idea and your headcanons, I'm humbled and honored that you would approach me about this because you believed I would be able to write the story in a way that you would find meaningful and enjoyable <3

Second - I really just don't know. My first inclination is to say no, not because I'm not interested or don't care, but mostly because I'm so busy right now I really don't know when I'll be able to get to the story. Plus, I'm really not sure how to go about this. I'd need to figure out what direction I wanted to take the story, because Loki being genderfluid wouldn't change that much except their outward appearance. Loki + genderfluid + Natasha friendship is an amazing concept, but it's not a...plot, if that makes sense? "Fixing" a1 could be 50,000,000 separate things, and if it goes out as a fix-it for mcu, that would be an enormous project. Easily 200k-400k+, which would take me like...uh 1-3 years to write.

Loki being genderfluid IS something I've thought about just adding to my fics in general now (i'm really not sure, because I love cis male Loki, and I know it's canon that he's genderfluid, but I kind of disregard most things from the series anyway?) but Idk?

+ and this is just a personal one for me, but I don't know how to include Loki being genderfluid as a major part of the plot/story right now. Like, for example, I've been in the process of dumping all of my religious lgbtq+ trauma on peter parker in a (massive) one-shot that revolves around Peter learning to accept himself as being gay, but the point of the story is that Peter doesn't accept himself at first and the conclusion is when he does. (I don't know if I'm ever going to share or finish that fic by the way, so don't look for it) I don't know how to take the concept of this story, turn it into a fix-it for Avengers 1 with Natasha, and have a meaningful story about being genderfluid at the same time?

Like to me there's two different ways to go about lgbtq+ stories: a story about being gay that is intended to talk about lgbtq+ experiences and focus heavily on that, vs a story where the character is lgbtq+ and it's just part of their character and not something we spend a lot of time talking about because we don't need to. The story isn't about them being lgbtq+ specifically, it's about the character. Recently, a lot more media has started doing the latter, which is really, really nice because I don't feel like being lgbtq+ has to be justified every 20 lines.

The story I'm writing about Peter Parker is the former. It's about being gay. The entire story revolves around it. What I can tell from what you're saying is that you want something where Loki just IS genderfluid, but it's not something we spend a whole lot of time discussing because the story isn't ABOUT being genderfluid, it's about fixing mcu with genderfluid Loki as the main character, if I'm understanding this correctly? Which is fine and I absolutely support it because there is nothing wrong with writing genderfluid Loki and I wholeheartedly support those authors.

So i guess to shorten this - because this isn't just like a ~5-15k one-shot (which are about the only length of requests I can successfully complete right now), as respectfully as I can, I'm going to have to lovingly turn you down. I'm not saying no, I'll never write about genderfluid Loki, because I'm like 90% sure I will eventually, but I just don't know about a fix-it for MCU from the first Avengers. One suggestion I have is maybe, if you really really need to see this come to fruition, is to just write a bunch of one-shots that are interconnected based on each of your headcanons and then publish it as an interconnected series, not so much a full length novel like I would write. I can easily see this being a really enjoyable series. Best of luck

~galaxy <3

[imaginaryberries]

In other news I'm slightly concerned that I'm coming on too strong with my cousin, with sending several gifts (well, one for her and one for each kiddo) and messaging quite a lot and just straight up telling her I'd been thinking and worrying about her lol. We had a weird few years after a couple of fallings out and even when we were super close we were never like... affectionate? Not that we were horrible to each other or anything but we were young and it was that way where e.g. if we wanted to say we missed each other we'd bury it in jokey name calling. But honestly I don't really go in for that now, I have missed her since we've not been close and I have thought about her a lot since she's had her baby. I'd like us to be closer again and I may as well be my earnest self about it 🤷🏼‍♀️ I wrote in the card among other things that if she needs to trauma dump then I'm here for her and I really hope she takes that seriously bc birth trauma is so isolating

[justajsworkshop]

Hi. I'm the 🍥 anon and I'm back. It's been nice and light 3 days and I feel much better than before. So thanks a lot for ur advice rlly.

I tried to follow whatever you said for the most part, but couldn't exactly do it all. I'm actually preparing for one of the toughest exams of my nation and I study almost 12-13 hours a day, so I'm barely free. I don't rlly like studying and plus there's a ton of other more shitty circumstances, (I just wouldn't wanna trauma dump here) so thats why I kind of was very much obsessed with the void. (changing ur whole life in an instant seems like a big win lol and also too good to be true, hence the doubts.)

But istg, in almost 8 whole months, this was the first time I was EVER away from Tumblr. Otherwise I'd be here everyday, anytime i would be free, obsessively scrolling. Time away rlly felt nice and I've decided to minimize my usage of Tumblr as much as possible. I still love Tumblr, but I feel like some things over here rlly trigger my doubts and fear.

I tried to take out time for myself tho, I listened to music, watched a movie, and tried to find the fun in life. It felt nice. I also affirmed 'I am' whenever I could. I feel like I still didn't affirm as much as I should have. I would affirm in my mind every time I meditated since thats when I feel the most at peace. But I'm still going to continue affirming 'I am'.

About the intention part, I wrote that I'm excellent at math and surprisingly, one of the math chapters that everybody finds difficult seemed like a child's play to me.

I also feel like I can have whatever I want to now, and maybe just not yet, but very soon. I also feel like this is meant for me. So thankyou so much for that as well.

Now I actually want to start learning and applying the law since I never paid much attention to it due to my void obsession. Even though I still want to tap into the void and manifest my dream life as soon as possible, I just feel like I could try applying the law as well.

So overall, thankyou so much. Really I'm very grateful and I will await your response.

hello again, and welcome back! this is a great update. i love to hear it. you 100% created that shift with your math studies, no doubt. that's amazing! def give yourself lots of credit for making that happen for yourself because YOU are source. you really did execute the law perfectly in that regard.

i'll also add that the law is working all the time. there's no on or off switch to manifesting/shifting. it's just a matter of us choosing to consciously wield what we do naturally. we're accepting that we are the awareness that has the freewill to choose what we want to experience in physical reality. and i think it's worth mentioning that the law above all laws is the law of being, not even just the law of assumption.

this is why i recommend to everyone to focus less on how much you're affirming, what you're affirming, what your desires are, when it's all going to happen, if it's possible, etc. the only question that matters (and has any power, tbh) is who: who and what are you conscious of being? the limited self? the self who's victimized by circumstances? the self who has no control or power or neeeeeeeeds to tap into the void (something you perceive as separate and more powerful than you, along with difficult to attain) to get what you want because you don't think you're powerful enough as a creator to have the life you desire right here and now?

i understand the void obsession. like, i really, really do. boy, have i been there. but i think it's also worth getting curious about why it's something you obsess over or feel like you need. what story are you telling about yourself through this obsession with the void? anything you want to manifest through the void can be manifested without because you're the operant/omnipotent power of your experience.

i understand the desire for instant radical change, but saying to yourself that you can only accomplish that via the void state simultaneously claims you are not capable of instant radical change by yourself. do you see how these statements are one in the same? as a result, you get stuck in a constant feedback loop of nonfulfillment and feeling like nothing is changing because your beingness is convicted of the truth that you cannot change/you cannot create change. you need this thing you perceive to be outside/greater/more powerful than you to be capable of having what you want.

not to mention, the void state is just... you. there's no separation. it's not some dark entity outside of you that you have to placate and satisfy to win over its good graces. but if you secretly believe that, you'll create the lived experience of it.

i really recommend taking time to just enjoy imagining yourself living your dream life—without placing any unhelpful judgments on that imaginal experience such as it's '"just" in imagination, when will it get here, how is that even possible, blah blah blah. just imagine yourself as you desire to be and just BE that version of self, even for a few moments a day or right before bed/as you're falling asleep. and imagination doesn't just mean visualizing; you can affirm, too, although anytime you "remember" something, it's equally as powerful as imagining. so just play scenes in your head like they're memories because, honestly, they are. all imagining is remembering, and all remembering is imagining. remember yourself as you would like to be. it's not about the level of detail or specificity; it's just about if you're allowing yourself to BE that person.

so, give yourself permission to just be the you you desire to be here and now, and let life give you that version of experiencing reality. you don't have to brute force anything. you don't have to affirm 16 hours straight. you don't have to DO anything at all. this is and has always been a story about beingness. be the you that makes you feel happy and fulfilled within. it's your birthright and who you truly are, after all, so why would you want to keep masquerading as anyone else? including a version of self who is miserable and unfulfilled?