#i’ve. we’ve had counselors in the past tell everything that we spoke about in our sessions to the body’s parents and. we can’t let them know

[ozzyfromthecafeteria]

eugh.

[fireblaze5555]

Fire Away: Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Well I WIsh I Could Say That I’ve Never Been Here Before

Also on Ao3:  Fire Away: Chapter 9

Super emotional sexy times in this chapter.

--

The next day found them in an unfamiliar diner across town, Frank and Karen on one side, Matt and Foggy on the other. Karen fidgeted with her straw wrapper, trying not to look as nervous as she felt. When she glanced up she noticed Frank and Matt were having a ‘staring’ contest of sorts, both scowling deeply at the other. Foggy was trying to act casual but she could see tension in every inch of his face.  

Letting out a long suffering sigh, Karen snapped her hand down on the table bringing all eyes to her. “Listen, if you two want to make moon eyes at each other the entire time, that’s fine, Foggy and I can get another booth and discuss the situation.”

Matt had the decency to look a bit sheepish and Frank gave her what she was coming to understand as an apologetic look before he sat back in the booth to rest his arm behind her on the seat. When she looked over to Foggy, he was doing his best not to laugh, a smirk tugging at his lips. If it weren’t for his unease around Frank he would be outright laughing.

Matt cleared his throat, “You said you knew who was behind the attempts on your life?”

Karen opened her mouth to respond but Frank snorted before taking a quick drink of his coffee. His voice was casual but he was clearly antagonizing, “Yeah, Murdock, it’s someone who should be in the ground instead of a jail cell.”

Squeezing Frank’s knee under the table, Karen turned a withering glare at him. There was no apologetic look this time, he just shrugged and took a longer drink of his coffee. Matt, for his part, didn’t respond, just clenched his hands around his own coffee and kept his attention on Karen.

It was Foggy’s turn to jump in, his eyes wide with disbelief, “How is that even possible? He’s under constant surveillance and his contact is limited. Brett has been checking in personally to ensure that he isn’t getting special treatment like last time.”

Another sigh, this one defeated, escaped Karen before she answered, “Because he still has enough money and power to get around the justice system. We’ve slowed him down putting him behind bars but I think it was more just an inconvenience for him. What we have found over the past couple of weeks is that he was using me more as a diversion to distract from what he was trying to accomplish.” Karen launched into the particulars of what they had found, being sure to lower her voice whenever the waitress would return or other patrons strolled by. When she mentioned Vanessa being the outside link, Matt let out a quiet curse.

“Okay, so what is our plan then?” Foggy asked. Karen gave him an affectionate smile, he was all business now, whatever discomfort he had disintegrated when there was work to do.

“Well, for the legal side of things, the plan is giving you all of the information and evidence we have found and see what avenues you can find to legally sink her. However,” Karen drags her bottom lip through her teeth, “Some of the information we obtained...less legally? So you may not be able to use all of it in court if we get to that.” Matt scowled while Foggy raised an amused eyebrow at her.

“Ms. Page, we leave you to your own devices and suddenly you are an investigative reporter, PI and a hacker? I’m so impressed at how you keep gaining these valuable skills!” Foggy smiled teasingly at her while Karen shook her head at him, smiling herself.

“Don’t forget Counselor, she also has the ability to find trouble anywhere she goes and an incredible talent with sarcasm.” Frank spoke up, taking a bite of toast before smirking at Karen as she gaped at him.

Foggy let out a choking sound, sucking his cheeks in to hold in his laughter, “Man, he does know you Karen.” Matt was even smirking through his scowl.

“Shut up, all of you.” she grumbled but she couldn’t help but smirk, “ Anyway , that is the legal side of it. The less than legal side of it, we are going to go to Vanessa’s estate and I am going to talk to her about lifting the contract on my life.”

Matt tilted his head slightly, ‘When you say ‘we’...” his voice was the slightest bit strained with a hint of antagonism.

“Frank and I. You as well if you want to as long as you agree to go in as a team.” She did her best to ignore Matt’s tone. To his credit, Frank kept quiet and just sipped at his coffee but Karen could see everything he wanted to say, clear on his face.

“I really don’t think it’s necessary for Frank to be involved any longer. We don’t really need a murderer present to have a discussion with someone.” The antagonism was strong now.

Karen and Foggy simultaneously put their faces in their hands while Frank let out a scoff.

“Christ, you really are an alter boy all the way, huh?” Frank gave a cutting smile as he shook his head and then leaned forward to rest his forearms on the table, closer to Matt, “You can take your sanctimonious bullshit and shove it right up your ass, Red. They are after Karen, she’s the one that has done all the investigation, that means she gets to decide who is on her team. Not you. And if I have to choose between killing a shit bag and keeping Karen alive, you bet your ass I’ll take them out.”

“Yeah, well, she’s always had clouded judgement when it comes to you so maybe it shouldn’t be her call.” As soon as he finished speaking, Matt’s face scrunched up with regret. Foggy was looking at his friend, aghast, and Frank had sat back and was chuckling lowly. Karen was glaring so icily at Matt she was surprised he hadn’t started shivering.

Karen smacked Frank in the stomach with the back of her hand causing him to grunt and hunch over slightly before she leaned in towards Matt across from her. “I really hope I didn’t just hear you say that Matt because if we are going to talk about clouded judgement I can give you a whole list of shitty calls you have made.”

“Karen-”

“And for the record, this is why I didn’t come to you. Now, I’m going to be mature enough to pretend you didn’t just say that and get back to the plan. So you can keep your patronizing bullshit to yourself and just listen, got it?” Her voice brokered no argument and Matt, very smartly, just nodded.

Foggy looked between Frank, Matt and Karen before heaving a deep sigh, “Karen, not to agree too much with the idiot next to me but I don’t like the idea of being part of a plan where murder is an option.”

Frank clicked his tongue but didn’t say anything as Karen glared at him once more. “I know Foggy.” She paused to smile at the waitress as she dropped off Frank’s eggs and bacon and her own food of yogurt and fruit. She saw Frank eyeballing her plate but ignored him to respond to Foggy, “We have already discussed that. It looks like most of the personnel at her estate is a hired security company, not criminals so they won’t be killed.”

Matt gave a derisive snort that resulted in Foggy elbowing him sharply in the ribs before saying, “And what about the ones that are criminals?”

“As long as they don’t threaten Karen, I promise to be on my best behaviour Counselor.” Frank looked at her plate pointedly. “Is that all you got to eat?”

“Yeah, I’m not that hungry.” She murmured before she turned back to Foggy, “I’m going to do everything I can to ensure we talk to Vanessa with no casualties.” As she spoke, Karen saw Frank move two pieces of his bacon to her plate and bit her cheek to keep from smiling. When she turned her attention back to Foggy, he had been watching as well, there was a look of bewilderment on his face, like he couldn’t quite comprehend what he was seeing.

“Well, I guess that is all I can really ask at this point, I’m just glad you are back and safe. It is getting so boring at the office without you.” Foggy said.

Matt looked offended as Karen laughed, “Well, I hope to be back in the office by next week at the latest. I can only imagine what kind of disarray you left my desk in.”

They chatted over their food, mostly catching Karen up on things she’d had missed while she was gone, cases that had been completed, new cases on the docket and any ridiculous gossip that had been picked up at Josie’s. Matt jumped in every once in a while but he and Frank stayed silent for most of the meal after that.

Once the food was gone and everything had been discussed, they all stood to pay for their meals and go off in various directions to begin preparing for their respective parts of the plan. As she moved to the register, Karen felt Frank’s hand at the small of her back, a steady, reassuring weight as they waited for the person in front of them to finish up. She wondered if she would always be so aware of him, if every little touch would always feel so important and monumental. She hoped so.

Foggy took off first with a promise to dig into the files Karen planned on sending over as soon as he received them but first he had a coffee date with Marci that he couldn’t miss. With a tight hug for Karen and respectful nod to Frank he turned and made his way to the closest taxi.

Karen gave Matt a quick hug and promised to call later with an address and started to turn away but he grabbed her elbow before she got far. She could feel Frank tense behind her but he didn’t say anything. She looked expectantly at Matt.

“Karen, look, I-,” he sounded strained for a second and took a moment to collect his thoughts, “I’m sorry about earlier alright? I know you are capable of taking care of yourself and it was a real asshole thing for me to say.”

She raised her eyebrows, “Ya think?” She relented however, she knew it wasn’t an easy thing for Matt to be around Frank, especially since he could probably tell with his fancy superpowers that there was something going on between them. “I know, Matt, it’s okay. Just, try to have a little more faith in me, okay?”

Giving the hand he had on her arm a reassuring squeeze she attempted to leave again but Matt kept his grip firm. Oh for Chrissake, what now? She squared her shoulders, forcing him to drop his hand, and crossed her arms over her chest, waiting for him to say what was obviously on his mind.

“Why don’t you come stay with me or Foggy?” Karen started to protest but he pressed on, “You said you were staying in some warehouse, that can’t be comfortable. We can finalize everything at my place and you’ll still be safe.”

“No.”

Matt looked at a loss, like the only real option was going with him and the fact that she refused was beyond comprehension.

“Why?” he asked.

Karen chewed on her bottom lip as she studied him for a second. She had the urge to shake him which was not unusual with Matt Murdock but she settled for a quiet, “You know why, Matt.” before turning to walk back to where Frank was waiting. She didn’t have to look at Frank’s face to know he was looking smugly at Matt and rolled her eyes when he slung an arm over her shoulder as they walked away. I’m going to hurt them both.

She gave him a sweet smile and then promptly pinched his side, causing him to step away quickly with a quiet curse.

“What the hell was that for?” he asked, rubbing the spot. He tried to sound angry but she heard the underlying amusement in his tone.

“You know why, Frank.”

They spent the day going over details and making sure they didn’t miss anything important. Karen had forwarded her files over to Foggy and had answered a couple calls from him for her input on clarifying some finer points.

Karen was pulled from her hundredth time of scanning the folder she put together by Frank beckoning to her.

“Hey, come over here for a sec.” He waved her over with one hand while the other was digging around in a container that appeared to be full of tactical gear. Pushing away from her computer with a long stretch, she made her way over to where he stood and watched him pull out a couple of bulletproof vests.

She raised an eyebrow at him but he just shrugged and stepped in front of her with one of them. He strapped her in with ease and went over the garment critically, checking how it fit and laid on her frame and said, “I’ll occasionally acquire them after finishing a job. I wanted to see if any of these fit you or if I am going to need to find one before tomorrow night.”

Karen looked down at herself as he tugged and shifted the garment and said skeptically, “Is this really necessary?”

Frank stopped what he was doing, two fingers tucked into the vest at her chest and gaped at her disbelievingly.

“Alright, alright it was just a question.” She gave a small laugh and let him maneuver her around to take the vest off.

He apparently wasn’t satisfied with the fit of that one because he tossed it back into the container before grabbing another and starting the process again. “To answer that question, you wouldn’t be going into that place without one. Maybe the guys working there aren’t criminals but they are there to do a job. If they see us as a threat, which I’m betting they will, they will probably take some shots so you need to have protection.”

He focused fully on the task at hand and seemed more pleased with the fit of this vest but she could see the worry creeping into his eyes, no doubt imagining all of the scenarios in which the plan could go wrong. Karen caught his hand checking the straps at her side and held it between hers, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles.

“It’s going to be fine. We are just going there to talk, it’s not like we are facing down a psycho with a bomb or escaping through elevator shafts or anything.” Her gallows humor had the desired effect for a second, his lips quirking a bit at the corners.

It faded quickly though, his eyes going serious and grim, his voice solemn, “I know how quickly things can go wrong, normal one second and batshit crazy the next. People there with you one second and then gone the next.”

Karen’s heart gave a painful lurch and she felt her eyes start to prickle so she stepped into him quickly, wrapping her arms tightly around him. Thinking of everything Frank had lost always made her weepy and she didn’t want him to have to deal with her tears when he was the one who should be upset. She felt his arms settle around her shoulders and his head rested against hers and for a moment they just swayed together gently.

After a moment though, Frank stepped back, placed a soft kiss to her forehead and began to pull off the vest.

“This one fits pretty well, I think it will work well for tomorrow.” He placed it next to his, the emblazoned skull stark against the black material, which lay atop his selected arsenal for tomorrow. “Have you heard from the counselor? Got anything he can use?”

Karen sighed, “Yeah, there are a few things he would be able to use against her, some illegal trading and some potentially forfeit art but nothing as serious as I would like but it may be enough. At least to get them off my case.”

Frank nodded and she saw him thinking about his next question. Here we go. And she wasn’t disappointed.

“Have you heard from Murdock?”

“No”

“Have you contacted Murdock?”

“ No .” she answered a bit more curtly.

Frank held up a placating hand, “If he is going to be part of the plan, he needs to know where we are going.”

He was right of course but she was still a little annoyed at both of them. “I’ll text him the address and where we intend to meet. You sure you two are okay to work together? You seem like you would rather glare and bitch at each other.”

Frank scoffed, “Red’s a pain in the ass but he isn’t a bad ally to have on your side. If he could just stop being so preachy, we would get along just fine.”

Karen shook her head with a small smile, “You’re not wrong, I suppose. On the flip side, I’m sure he thinks if you were less murdery you’d get along just fine.”

He gave her a wry grin, “I guess neither one of us are going to get what we want, huh?”

She couldn’t help but laugh, walking away from him to go back to her task, “No, I guess not.”

-----

Frank watched Karen go back to her desk to pour over everything again. Nothing will have changed since the last time she looked but he knew it was a good distraction for her. In the meantime he needed to make sure he had all the gear he needed and was ready himself. He still didn’t like the idea that not only was Karen going into the den of the enemy but he had to also attempt to get her in and out without any fatalities. As much as Murdock annoyed him, Frank was glad he would be there as well, it would allow him to focus more fully on Karen’s safety.

Sitting across the room, Frank began running through his mental checklist, he wanted to have time to hunt down any needed supplies before go-time. This was a top priority mission with very precious cargo and he was not going to fuck it up. Every mission or war he had waged over the past several months was nowhere near as important as the one he was preparing for, failure was not an option.

He’d need to pick up some more ammo for his .45, realistically he probably had enough but he’d rather be over prepared. Frank glanced up when he heard a thoughtful noise from Karen, a detail catching her attention. He watched as she buried long graceful fingers into the pale spun gold of her hair with one hand, while the other skimmed the document, occasionally tapping out a rhythm on the table. For a second he was transported to the previous night, those long locks sliding between his fingers while she was on her knees in front of him. Her teeth pulled at her bottom lip as she worked and Frank couldn’t help but watch the slide of her tongue when she wet her lips.

When he realized he was outright staring at her he shook his head and went back to the task at hand. For God’s sake he was acting like a horny, head over heels teenager. First that little dominance stunt he pulled with Murdock, huffing out a laugh he rubbed the spot Karen had pinched him, and now he was ogling her while she worked. It was amazing how fast the switch was flipped in his mind of him thinking of Karen as his. He really needed to get a grip. Frank still wasn’t sure he made the right call, agreeing to give a relationship a shot. He was still dangerous to be around and the thought of him bringing even more danger to Karen’s life made him nauseous. The thing was, it was obvious that Karen would be in trouble at some point whether he was there or not and the thought of him not being there to help her also made him nauseous.

Maybe it was a bad idea….but god he wanted it. He could pretend he was alright with the solitude and all the nights alone but that delusion was quickly fading. The past couple of weeks, waking up with someone in bed next to him again, was like a breath of fresh air he didn’t know he needed. Like an ache in his joints he wasn’t aware of until they were gone. Even cramped on the little cot with Karen who was just as tall as him and threw a mean elbow in her sleep, was the most comfortable he had been...well, since Maria. The feeling of waking up to Karen’s softness and warmth, her smile and morning quips, was like a drug and the mere thought of going back to the way things were had him feeling like he was going through withdrawals.

It didn’t really do any good to debate it with himself at this point, he had told Karen he would give it a shot and wouldn’t lie to her. So they would take care of the issue at hand and then he would man up and keep his word. However, if it looked like he was bringing too much danger into her life, he was gone, no questions asked. Well, probably anyway. He had a feeling Karen Page was becoming a major guiding force in his life and he may not have a choice on if he goes or stays.

Shaking his head, Frank ran through the remainder of his list and decided to grab some more ammo for Karen’s .380 while he was at it. He set everything back in place and stood, rolling his shoulders back to work out the knots and headed over to grab a jacket and pull on his boots. When he stood from lacing them up he noticed Karen was watching him.

“I’m going to go pick up some ammo and dinner. Anything sound good to you?”

She hummed, eyeing him with a hunger that had nothing to do with food and he felt desire hit him hard in the gut. Before he could begin to make his way across the room though, she gave him a coy smile, her voice mischievous, “Japanese sounds good. Some sushi? Maybe Katsudon if they have it, yakisoba if they don’t?”

Raising an eyebrow at her, he turned to pull the jacket on. “Japanese it is. I’ll be back soon, I’ll text you before I come in so you know it’s me. Keep an eye on the cameras and call me if anything looks out of the ordinary.” She nodded along as he spoke, turning back to her work but he said her name softly, it brought her attention back to him quickly. Frank gave a little smirk, “Stop being a stubborn ass and text Murdock the information.”

He stepped around the closest object to dodge the pencil that had been lobbed at him and made his way to the exit. He didn’t care one way or the other if Murdock actually accompanied them, it would be helpful sure, but they would be fine without him. However, he knew it was important to Karen to keep her friends in the loop, a pact they had made she didn’t want to break.

The air was chilly when he stepped out into the dusk, heading in the direction of the subway, he needed to go a ways to get to the shop he was wanting. He walked quickly, eyeing his surroundings casually and jumping on the train just before the doors closed. It took about 15 minutes to get to his stop and he emerged onto the street about another 10 minutes walk from his destination.

Frank was nearly there when he felt the prickle on the back of his neck so he stepped into the next alleyway and kept his hand ready to reach for the gun at his hip. However, only one person he knows could land that softly out of nowhere so he wasn’t surprised when he turned to see Murdock frowning at him from behind his mask.

“Evening, Red.”

Murdock gave a small nod and a quiet, “Frank.” Before resuming his pensive silence.

Frank waited another minute before shifting impatiently, “Did ya have somethin’ you wanted to say or….? I kinda have some errands to run and a hungry private investigator waiting for me. I have a fair idea of how grumpy she can be when hungry and would like to avoid that if I can.”

Matt’s face turned a bit more sour, his stance stiffening even more. “She shouldn’t be there. She should be somewhere safe. Somewhere away from you.”

Letting out a long suffering sigh, Frank tucked his hands deep into his pockets and balled them into fists. “You’re not entirely wrong Red but the fact of the matter is that is where she decided to be and you of all people should know that telling her to do something else would not go well.”

The other man gave a begrudging nod but didn’t look put at ease. When he spoke again he had his lawyer facade on, trying to dig for information, “What exactly is your relationship with Karen?”

Frank went still, his eyes narrowing at the other man and said nothing. It wasn’t any of Murdock’s business and Frank was pretty sure he knew already.

“I could smell you on her, at the diner.” His voice was accusatory.

“Well that is officially the weirdest thing you’ve ever said to me, Red. Also the creepiest.” A very immature, alpha male part of his brain swelled with pride at the knowledge that there was no mistaking that Karen had chosen to be with him. He nearly chuckled when he thought of how quickly she would put him in his place if she knew he was thinking like that. “What does it matter to you anyway?”

“You know why it matters Frank. You are still killing, making enemies and starting wars. Karen deserves better than that. Better than you.”

“You’re not wrong there either.” Frank closed the distance between them, bringing them toe to toe, his voice dropped low, a mix of building anger and antagonism, “Is that the only reason, Murdock?  I remember seeing you two back then, holding hands, standing close. How she watched you with so much admiration in the courtroom, when you showed up, that is. Now, she doesn’t want to stay with you, despite being in danger. So is it really that you want to protect Karen or is it that your ego can’t take the fact that you royally fucked up and lost a beautiful, intelligent, brave and loyal woman? To a murderer no less. ”

Matt snarled muscles tensing as though preparing for a fight but Frank’s phone chimed alerting him to a message. His adrenaline spiked, brain always going to the worst case scenario first and Matt must have picked up on it because he took half a step back. Pulling the phone out of his pocket, Frank relaxed when he read the message.

“Shrimp Shumai as well, please. Don’t forget chopsticks, I don’t trust the silverware you have here not to give me tetanus.”

Frank shook his head with a smirk, tapping back a quick ‘Yes, Ma’am’, before tucking the phone in his pocket again. Matt’s head was tilted to listen and his features had relaxed from anger and disgust to mild annoyance and disbelief.

“I don’t deserve her, Murdock, you’re right about that. The problem is, I’ve pushed her away time and time again and we just keep endin’ up back in each other’s space. I’ll never argue with you that Karen Page is too good for me but she asked me to give this a chance and goddamn it, I owe it to her to try. I know I’m one lucky motherfucker that she chose me of all people, you don’t have to tell me.”

Matt looked downright defeated, “You love her.” It wasn’t a question.

Clicking his tongue and stepping around the other man, Frank walked back towards the main sidewalk, “I ain’t even talked to her about that Red so I’ll be damned if I talk to you about it. Check your phone, she should be sending you the information for tomorrow night.” With that, he stepped around the corner and walked the remaining few blocks to the gun store. He did love Karen, but now he was wondering if love encompassed everything he felt for her. Frank was starting to feel complete in a way he hadn’t since he still had his family. That large piece of his life would always be missing, god he missed them every second of every day, but Karen was becoming the glue that held the rest of his pieces together. His air when he was suffocating. The stones in his foundation when it started to crumble. Love was only a part of the things he felt for Karen Page.

It was another hour and a half before he had the ammo and food in hand, heading back to the safe house. He texted Karen to alert her that he would be there soon and when he stepped through the door and into the living area of the building, she was right where he had left her.

“Welcome back, took you long enough.” She barely turned from the papers but he saw the teasing lilt to her lips anyway.

“The lady wanted shrimp shumai, the only place to get shumai in this city is Mei’s so I had to go a little out of my way to get it.” Frank set the food down at the table and plucked the container with the shumai out of the bag. He walked over to Karen, popping the lid open to waft the delicious smelling steam in her direction, enticing her to leave the desk.

Karen let out an appreciative groan at the smell, pushing her chair back and following closely behind him. She settled down at the table and pointed at him accusingly with the chopsticks Frank handed her, “I know of at least three places to get shumai and I know at least one of them was pretty close to where you were going.”

“Yes but the only place you should get shumai from is Mei’s.” His voice was deep with conviction when he pointed his chopsticks right back at her.

Karen barked out a quick laugh, “Unbelievable, a burger snob, a coffee snob AND a Japanese cuisine snob. The surprises keep coming.” However, when she took a bite of the first morsel, her eyes nearly rolled into the back of her head with pleasure. She snapped her eyes to his quickly to see if he caught her, which of course he did, with a knowing, smug smirk. “Alright, you win this one Castle.”

Frank thought about mentioning the fact he ran into Murdock but she would want to know what they discussed and he wasn’t sure he was ready to go down the rabbit hole just yet. So instead they talked about their favorite places for asian food and occasionally discussed details of tomorrow’s mission. Thankfully she mentioned she had texted the information to Murdock so he didn’t have to bring it up again.

Once they were full and leftovers were packed away in the small fridge, it was time to call David and ensure that everything on his end was set as well. The phone rang a couple of times before he answered.

“ Hello friends! Ready to talk super spy stuff and breaking and entering?” His voice was cheerful and already grating on Frank’s nerves.

“Cut the shit, David. You got everything you need?”

“ I want to talk to Karen. She’s nicer than you.” There was an unmistakable pout in his voice.

“David…” Frank growled. Karen hid a laugh behind her hand. He gave her a pleading ‘don’t encourage him’ look and turned his attention back to the phone.

“... And prettier. Fine. Yes, everything is in order. I’ll walk you through setting up the comm pieces tonight so all you have to do tomorrow is turn them on and double check the frequency. There haven’t been any changes to the personnel schedule and the layout of the house hasn’t changed over the past two days.”

Over the next hour they activated and synced up their comms, checking for any bugs, and outlined the time frame they hoped to maintain for getting in and out.

“ Hey, uh, I noticed you only requested the two ear pieces, was there a change of plan? Daredevil no longer assisting?”

“No change of plan. He won’t need an earpiece, he will be able to hear just fine.” Karen’s voice was one of begrudging acceptance.

“ Okay then, well, then I think we’ve done everything we can for today. I’ll be in touch tomorrow at 10. Now, I need to go to dinner or I have the real potential of sleeping on the couch tonight.”

Without preamble, the line went dead, the screen of the phone flashing the call time for just a moment before going dark.

Karen gave a little snort, “What an interesting change of events, usually it’s you hanging up on him.”

“I guess the prospect of sleeping on the couch is more motivating than getting on my damn nerves.” Frank said gruffly as he put the phone on charge next to the comm equipment. When he looked back at Karen, she had an unreadable look on her face.

“What?” he asked.

“If he bothers you that much, why do you keep in touch? I know he is an incredible hacker but you are crafty and would be able to figure something else out.” Karen asked, leaning on the table and regarding him curiously.

Frank gave a deep sigh. David did endlessly wear on his nerves but he cared for the man and his family. “David just...doesn’t know when to shut up. That being said, he’s a good guy. He’s reliable and a good person.” When he looked over there was a smug look on Karen’s face and he felt like he just walked into a trap.

“So...you care about him? Behind all the mean words and mask of indifference he’s your friend.” She looked so proud of herself, blue eyes sparkling and her head tilted as she watched him.

Frank shook his head turning away from her, “ Christ . You're just as bad as he is. I’m takin’ a shower.” He could feel her eyes following him as he grabbed a change of clothes and disappeared into the bathroom. She wasn’t wrong, he did care about David and his family. Very much in fact, but he wasn’t going to admit it out loud. It could make it back to David and Frank would never have peace again.

The hot water was doing wonders for his knotted muscles. Preparing for tomorrow had left him anxious and processing his feelings for Karen furthered that anxiety because he knew how easy it was for things to go wrong. He could lose her tomorrow and it had him on edge all day. It would be his luck that he would finally accept what he feels for Karen, just for it to be taken away immediately. If it were just him going in he would be unaffected, if he got injured or killed it will have been worth it to keep her safe. But Karen was going to be with him, just as close to danger as he would be.

The shifty plumbing gave a groan and sputtered a quick deluge of ice water over him before going back to hot so he finished washing off quickly before he got another rude surprise.

He found as he stepped out of the shower he was more tired than he thought, his muscles finally loosened a bit so he didn’t feel quite so much like a spring that was wound too tight. However, as he tossed his towel over the curtain rod of the shower, Frank gave a quiet curse as his brain started sprinting down the same roads it had been running all day. Just that quick he felt his shoulders drawing back up towards his ears, muscles coiling and ready to fight. Christ he couldn’t wait for this to be over so he could be the normal amount of anxious over Karen’s well being. Throwing on some boxer briefs and low slung sweatpants he made to leave the cramped room.

A small cloud of steam followed him out of the bathroom before Frank started toward the cot. Karen was already laid down with one of his books open in her hand as she sprawled over their makeshift bed. Suddenly, Frank felt like he had been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer and his coiled muscles were prepared for an entirely new action.

Karen had grabbed one of his shirts to wear to bed, something that would have been enough to turn him on in general but due to their similar height the shirt just barely brushed the tops of her thighs. Frank’s gaze traveled from the tips of her toes up her impossibly long legs and fixated on the spot where the shirt had ridden up, exposing a hip bone where the thin black strap of her underwear contrasted exquisitely with her creamy skin. He could just glimpse the curve of her perfectly shaped ass the way she was laying but it was enough to spark something in him. Frank was suddenly a man starved. Hyperfocus that he tends to save for the battlefield is now fixated on the woman just across the room from him to the point everything else blurs and she is the only thing in focus.

Karen must feel his gaze on her because she lowers the book a fraction to meet his eyes. He sees her breath catch and her eyes widen when their gazes lock. Carefully she sets the book aside, her eyes leaving his to slowly drag down his body. Frank felt his temperature spike when he watched her hungrily take him in, her pupils blowing wide and her bottom lip unconsciously pulling between her teeth. It amazed him how expressive Karen was with just that bottom lip.

“I, um, ran out of comfortable sleeping clothes so I borrowed one of your shirts. I hope that is okay?” Her voice was small, uncertain. If Frank were more stable at the moment, he would feel guilty that she would feel so unsure about taking what she needed from him. Of course he didn’t mind, in fact, he would encourage it any chance he got.

When he didn’t answer, Karen looked even more unsure, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have presumed. I can grab one of my old-” She began to wrap long fingers around the hem as though she were going to pull the shirt off.

“Don’t. Move.” The words came out commanding, a simmering heat in his voice that was deep and full of gravel, his desire filling the words with a thousand promises. Karen froze at the order and when she drew that damned bottom lip between her teeth again and he saw the full body shiver of her reacting to him, Frank couldn’t stop himself from crossing the room. He moved steadily, long, methodical strides that had him at the foot of the cot quickly.

From this new vantage point he could see the pretty blush starting across her cheeks and down her neck to disappear under the shirt at her collarbone. She was perfection. Slowly, he placed a knee on the bottom corner of the bed, Karen watching his every move with rapt attention.

Another full body shiver ran through her when he caressed her ankles with hands he could no longer keep idle. There was a growl that he belatedly realized came from him before he was bent over, dragging teeth over the exposed flesh of her hip, the breathy noise Karen released spurring his actions. Frank’s hands slid up the smooth backs of her thighs that now bracketed his chest until he had two glorious handfuls of her ass.

“ Frank.” Fuck, the way she said his name. She had a way of putting everything into those five letters, all breathy want and desire. He was so hard it almost hurt, the need to be inside her so strong Frank was almost delirious from it. He snapped his eyes up to hers from his spot at her hip, where he continued to drag his tongue along her skin, nipping and sucking at her where he saw fit. He followed her panty line, nudging the shirt out of the way as he went. Karen’s eyes never left his but the air caught in her chest when his hands slid around to grip her underwear as he continued to cover her skin with pink marks.

He could smell her and god, she smelled sweet. Frank let out a small sound of need and began tugging away the barrier between them. He had reached her other hipbone, nipping the soft skin there before sitting back to fully remove her underwear and then she was gloriously bare to him, only his shirt bunched up around her midsection. He took a moment to take her in, lips glistening with arousal and a blush spreading over her inner thighs. It was his turn to pull his bottom lip through his teeth, taking a moment to decide where he wanted to start. Leaning down again, Frank tucked his arms under Karen’s thighs, wrapping them around the outside so his hands were at her hips to get a good grip and tugged her roughly to the edge of the cot.

She let out a little yelp in surprise and when Frank looked at her again, the shirt had rucked up around her chest when he scooted her down. Her graceful arms were above her head where they had settled after her startled movement. She was a fucking sight. Frank knelt on the cold concrete floor and settled her legs over his shoulders, moving slowly and deliberately, his entire focus on devouring the woman in front of him.

Giving an appreciative groan, Frank leaned in, dragging a kiss over Karen’s inner thigh before switching to the other leg. Next, he ran his tongue up the crease of her leg, mere centimeters from his destination. Karen’s hips were beginning to sway towards his mouth, rising and falling with each tempting swipe of his mischievous tongue.

As he was laving a slow kiss to the top of her mound Karen gave a quiet curse causing Frank to glance up at her with a devastating smirk.

“Something wrong Ma’am?” his voice was impossibly deep and rough.

She reacted like his voice was a physical touch, closing her eyes and shivering before she looked at him again, the blue of her irises dark with her need, voice husky with restrained desire. “If you don’t touch me soon Frank I’m going to lose my goddamn mind.”

His answering chuckle was rich and dark and it vibrated through every spot their bodies were connected. What Karen didn’t know was he was torturing himself as much as he was her, every fiber of his being screaming to do more, to drive her crazy, make her scream for him. Frank finally relented, giving a slow languid lick to her center, just barely parting her folds. Both let out a groan and before Frank could convince himself to keep the pace slow, he was drinking her in like he’d not had water in years.

There was longer any finesse to his movements, lewd noises filling the room as he licked and sucked at her, letting out appreciative growls and grunts as she moved under him. Fuck she tasted good, her breathless moans and little curses, her beautiful lips saying his name when he pressed just right, all driving him mad with need. When Frank opened his eyes he let out a long low groan at the sight. Karen was gripping the blankets above her head with one hand so tight her knuckles were white, her eyes screwed shut while her mouth was open and panting. Her other hand had pushed the shirt over her breasts and was tweaking a nipple in time with the firm strokes of his tongue.

It was all too much, he needed to be in her, and soon. Never taking his eyes off of her, Frank closed his full lips over her clit and gave it a hard suck. Karen’s back arched off the cot prettily and her breathing stalled. Lifting her hips slightly he did again before quickly dragging a firm tongue over repeatedly. It only took two more strokes before she went completely rigid, a keening moan the only sound she was able to make.

Frank softened his ministrations, licking at her softly until her hand snaked into his hair to tug him away gently. He pulled just enough to nip her thigh before he rested his cheek there and looked up at her. She was gloriously disheveled, chest still rising rapidly with each breath, lips parted and eyes glassy and distant as she came down from her high.

Slowly, Karen came back to herself and she gave him a devastating little smile, her voice throaty and sated, though he saw the hunger building in her gaze again, “Goddamn, Castle. You’ve been hiding your finer skill sets from me.”

He gave a quiet laugh, trying to not let his pride show too much on his face, “Happy to be of service, ma’am.”

Slowly he stood, tugging at the drawstring of his sweatpants as he did, Karen watching the movement with intense focus. Frank slid pants and underwear off in a smooth movement before he started to crawl after Karen as she scooted back up the cot. Working together, his shirt was peeled up and over her head to be discarded somewhere on the floor.T hey didn’t have much room on the small bed but neither seemed to mind as he settled between her thighs and their lips met. The kiss was slow and dragging, tongues sliding together deliciously and little gasps escaping when they drew back long enough to change their angles.

Frank’s arm had traveled up to bury a large hand in her hair, something he found was quickly becoming one of his favorite things to do, his forearm bracing the side of her face as he continued to ravage her mouth. Slowly, he began to grind his cock against her core, dragging it through her folds torturously. Her hips met him at every thrust and finally, finally , he let himself sink into her.

All he could do for a moment was rest his forehead to hers, his hips stilling when he sank to the hilt, tightening his grip in her hair when she groaned and nipped at his chin. Being inside Karen was intoxicating and Frank was dizzy with pleasure that coursed through his system. He was so fucking lost on her, there was no way he could ever recover.

Frank leaned his head back enough to watch her eyes as he slowly pulled almost completely out of her before unhurriedly sliding back into place. Her gaze never left his, though her eyes were hooded, and he saw raw emotion staring back at him. For a moment it was overwhelming so Frank focused on the leisurely push and pull of his hips, his chest tight with everything he felt. They continued like that for several moments, quiet gasps and moans punctuating the easy rhythm that Frank set. Occasionally he would break eye contact to lick and suck at her neck, Karen dragging her hands up his back to hook over his shoulders, nipping at whatever skin was presented to her, a bicep, shoulder, the underside of his jaw. He could feel her starting to tense under him, her body straining towards release. He was working steadily towards his own orgasm, the burning pleasure spreading down his spine.

When Frank pulled back to look her in the eyes again the breath stilled in his chest. There was a trail of silent tears seeping from Karen’s eyes as she looked back at him. The hand in her hair dropped to her cheek to swipe the tears away tenderly. He hated to see her cry but it made him feel better to know she was feeling just as intensely as he was and when he spoke his voice was wrecked with the struggle to keep his own emotions in check, “What do you need?”

“Just...” she let out a shuddering breath and brought her hands to the back of his head, sliding blunt nails over his scalp, “Just don’t let go.”

A hungry desperate noise escaped from the back of his throat before he descended on her mouth. The kiss was slow but frantic, a desperation filling both of them. The hand on Karen’s cheek dropped to the side of her neck and the arm that propped him over her buried fingers into her silken hair. Frank’s thrusts sped up but they were still deliberate, grinding into her at the end of each stroke. That’s how they both came apart, her hands at the back of his head and neck, him not far behind with his own hands buried in her hair. Both of them holding on with both hands. Karen came, gasping his name in between quiet sobs and Frank came with a shuddering moan, pressing her name and kisses into the delicate skin of her temple.

For a moment they both were still, Frank was trying desperately to recover his composure and he felt Karen trying to do the same. When he did lean back again, swiping a gentle hand over her forehead to move damp hair out of her face she gave him a watery smile and he couldn’t help but return it.

Sniffing quietly, her smile turned sheepish, “I promise I’m not usually a crier during sex. I uh...just got a little overwhelmed, I think.”

Frank huffed out a little laugh, stroking a thumb over her cheekbone but before he could think of something to say, her hand came up to rest on his cheek, her eyes on him with a singular focus that wouldn’t allow him to look away.

“I love you, Frank Castle.” Karen’s voice was quiet and sincere, her eyes were watery once again but her gaze dared him to refute her.

Frank felt everything around him spin and then go completely still all at once before he drew in a quick breath and suddenly his chest was light, like a band that had been wrapped there just snapped. He was still terrified at the prospect of being loved, of loving again but looking at her, daring him to deny her, he felt like it might be worth it.

“I love you too, Karen Page.” Rough and low, the words felt so natural he wasn’t sure how he hadn’t said them before.

Just like that, the bravado left her and tears were escaping the corners of Karen’s eyes again, a smile so sweet on her lips he ached just looking at her. He leaned down to give her a tender kiss, her lips trembling lightly under his. Tsking, Frank rolled gently to the side, pulling her into his chest, banding protective arms around her, “You keep crying like that, Page, and you’re going to give me a complex.”

She gave a little laugh, thick with tears and swiped at her cheeks, “Sorry, Frank, I’ll try to keep the tears to a minimum next time. Promise.”

Humming, he placed a gentle kiss to her forehead.They lay quietly like that for awhile, both awake and lost in their own thoughts. Karen was running absent minded fingers over the smooth planes of his chest while his thumb ran soothing circles over her shoulder. Eventually he felt her relaxing against him, her breathing turning deep and even. Frank could feel his own eyes falling shut, heavy as lead as he listened to her breathe. He wanted to think a bit more, run the plan through his head again before giving in to sleep, think about the monumental words Karen and he had just spoken to one another but before he could try he was snoring quietly against her forehead and neither of them moved until morning.

[summahsunlight]

This Way Became My Journey, Ch. 23

While the computer was running its diagnostic on the alien device, B'Elanna Torres had snuck away to the mess hall to grab a ration pack for lunch. Well maybe she hadn't really snuck away; Captain Janeway had after all given her permission to take a small break. But it sure felt like sneaking away, with Michael breathing down her neck wanting to know every little thing that came up about the device. Snatching a ration pack up she went to join a Bajoran, by the name of Seska, who was sitting at a table in the middle of the room.

"I didn't think Janeway was ever going to let you leave the bridge," Seska drawled with that sly grin of hers as B'Elanna took a seat.

B'Elanna shrugged her shoulders. "I think she felt bad that her kid was watching over everything I did. Anyways I don't have a lot of time. I need to get back up there to finish working on that device that Chakotay brought back from the planetoid."

"If you ask me this is a waste of time," Seska replied, pushing her empty ration pack to the side. "We shouldn't be chasing after any aliens that like to harvest organs. It could end up getting us all killed."

"Neelix could die if we don't track them down," B'Elanna said, slightly shocked by her friend's cold tone.

It was Seska's turn to shrug her tiny shoulders. "The Doctor has kept him alive this long; that's better than most people can say if they had just had their lungs stolen."

"And what if it was Chakotay that had been attacked? Or Harry? Would you feel the same way?"

"Of course. Neelix should be counting his blessings while the rest of us get to the real work of finding dilithium to help the power shortage," Seska answered, her dark eyes studying B'Elanna's face. "You don't actually agree with Janeway's decision to go chasing after these aliens do you?"

B'Elanna averted her eyes. "To tell you the truth, I think it's rather noble."

Seska scoffed. "One noble deed doesn't make up for her selfish decision to strand us here."

The hatred for Janeway that was laced in Seska's voice was not lost on B'Elanna and the young Klingon woman suddenly found that she was not hungry anymore. Pushing the tray away from her, she looked her friend, or someone she had once regarded as a friend, in the eye. "Seska, I know it hasn't been easy the past month, adjusting to life on a Starfleet ship, but believe me when I say that Captain Janeway has the best intentions of this entire crew at heart."

"You didn't think that way a month ago," Seska pointed out.

B'Elanna shook her head. "No, I didn't. But the past few weeks I've worked closely with her and my opinion has changed. If we had used the array to get home, there would have been people back in the Alpha Quadrant who thought her decision to sacrifice the Ocampa selfish. Either way, she couldn't win."

Seska got up from the table angrily. "You're starting to sound like all those delusional Starfleet idiots."

The Chief Engineer watched as the Bajoran left the table and stalked out of the mess hall. B'Elanna wasn't sure why Seska was having the hardest adjustment out of them all. Perhaps she felt like she had been slighted by Janeway when she wasn't given a higher rank, after all, she was Chakotay's former lover. And then there was B'Elanna's promotion to chief engineer. It was never spoken between the two, but B'Elanna knew that Seska was jealous of her friend's promotion and the trust that Janeway put in her. She also knew that Seska wasn't too keen on all time the B'Elanna had taken to hanging out with Harry Kim in the mess hall or for a stroll on the holodeck. But Harry had been the only one nice to her, on the Starfleet side that is, for their first few days, and she was grateful for that.

It wasn't her fault that she was sliding into fit with the crew and Seska was struggling. She just needs to make friends outside of the Maquis, that's all. 

B'Elanna decided that the next time Harry joined her for dinner she was going to ask Seska to join them. She was sure that Harry would be friendly and make an attempt to befriend Seska no matter how unreceptive Seska seemed.

Speaking of Harry, B'Elanna was sure that Janeway had given him a fifteen minute break to eat something as well. Maybe she had missed him when she had first come in the room. Glancing around she soon found that it had been easy to miss him. He was seated at a corner table with Sarah Barrett. B'Elanna instantly felt…jealousy.

She was shocked by this, at first. There was nothing romantically going on between her and Harry so she shouldn't be bothered if there was something between him and the counselor. But then she remembered Elle Platt, back from her Academy days. Elle had the same dark, coffee brown hair as Sarah, same enticing sapphire eyes. B'Elanna had thought Elle had been her friend and had told her about her crush on one of their classmates. They never spoke of it again, until B'Elanna had seen Elle with her crush, cuddling on the lawn one warm afternoon. Elle later told her some story about wanting to keep B'Elanna safe because she only would have been hurt, that her crush never would have dated a half Klingon.

B'Elanna, who had always resented human girls, with their silky locks of hair, and smooth foreheads, had shortly left the Academy after that. So was it this fact that Sarah looked so much like Elle that she was jealous of the time she spent with Harry? And if she ever did want to be more than Harry's friend, how could she compete with the perfection that Sarah was?

She was shocked at this realization. Being more than Harry's friend? He was Starfleet, a nice guy, but still Starfleet. Well what's so wrong with that? They had been through so much together on the Ocampa home world, she had connected with him in a way that she had yet to connect to anyone else on the ship, with maybe the exception of Chakotay. And that's when her emotions switched to jealousy to downright anger.

Sarah could have any man she wanted on this ship, with the bat of her pretty little eyelashes, why was she with Harry? Good, even Tom Paris was eating out of the palm of her hand and she had taken the one guy that B'Elanna actually felt…feelings towards. It figures the one nice guy on this ship— 

"Seat taken?"

B'Elanna glanced up to see Tom Paris. She shook her head. "No."

He sat down and dropped his ration pack tray in front of him. His grayish eyes looked up to see what she was looking at and he frowned.

This peaked her curiosity even more. Was Tom's feelings about Sarah more than just wanting a date? B'Elanna suddenly didn't feel so bad that she was not the only one who was jealous on this ship. "Something wrong with the view?" she teased.

Tom only frowned more as Harry and Sarah got up and left the mess hall together, laughing about something. "No, nothing's wrong with the view."

"If I didn't know you any better Paris, I'd say you were jealous," she continued teasing getting up from the table and going to recycle her tray. It was time to get back to working on the alien device and the diagnostic. She would have to push thoughts of Harry aside until further notice.

However, the thoughts of Harry and Sarah eating lunch together, sharing a laugh, just would not escape her no matter how hard she tried to get her work done. Michael Janeway was still standing over her shoulder, soaking in every last bit of information that the computer was coming up with. If that kept up he could his mother the report and B'Elanna could return to engineering where her real work was.

Mindlessly drumming her fingers on the console she noticed Tuvok raise an eyebrow. "Does that form of activity make the computer scan faster?" the Vulcan questioned her.

"No, but it keeps me occupied while we wait." The doors of the bridge swishing open brought her attention about and Paris strode back onto the bridge, no trace of the frown he had worn in the mess hall. How can he let it go so easily? Oh, that's right, he's a pig. He probably has another love interest lined up behind Sarah and the Delaney sisters.

The computer beeping brought her attention about. "Captain," she called out, getting Janeway's attention. "We've completed our diagnostic on the alien device."

Janeway strode over to join the group, which was an odd mix when you really thought about it; a Vulcan, a five year old human boy, and a half Klingon. "What have you got?"

"It appears to be more than a weapon," B'Elanna reported. "It's also a very sophisticated medical scanner and surgical instrument."

"From what we can tell," Tuvok said, handing the device to Janeway, "it uses a neural resonator to stun the victim while a quantum imaging scanner begins a microcellular analysis of the entire body.

"The amount of information this thing can gather puts a tricorder to shame," B'Elanna continued. "You fire this at someone you learn everything about their anatomy, right down to their DNA sequencing."

Janeway turned the device over in her hands. "So we're dealing with aliens who've developed a technology specifically designed for extracting organs from other beings. The question is…why?" Chakotay demanded her attention and she mindlessly put the device down onto the science console.

"The alien ship has dropped out of warp," the first officer reported. "It's approaching a large asteroid."

The captain went to stand on the command station next to Lieutenant Barrett while Tuvok took his own station. "On screen."

"It's entered the asteroid captain," Paris reported.

"Hold position."

There were very little options that Janeway had at this moment. She could either take the ship into the asteroid if it was wide enough or she could try to flush the aliens out some how. But that could take hours, and Neelix didn't have hours. Even though the Doctor had come up with a solution for the time being, no one really knew how long he could survive using holographic lungs, not to mention that if ship's system ever went down and the emitters went off line, Neelix would die.

"MICHAEL!"

The shear volume of Lieutenant Barrett's voice startled everyone on that bridge and all eyes snapped about looking for the child.

The boy was standing at the door to the ready room and immediately Janeway could see that he had the alien device clutched in his little hands. The captain had moved the baby into the ready room so she could comfortably nap and she had no doubt that her son was about to test the device out on his baby sister. How could I be so careless with something that dangerous around? She hadn't even seen Michael move from his spot near the science station, for that matter, neither had B'Elanna. Michael was terribly clever, a trait that Janeway knew had been inherited from her; he could easily slip away from baby sitters, his mother, etc.

So how had Sarah seen it?

Michael looked sheepishly up at his mother. "I just wanted to see Ava's DNA."

His mother gestured that he give her the device back and he complied.

"Sit there," Janeway instructed, pointing to her chair.

Chakotay cleared his throat while the boy did as he was told. "Uh, Captain, we've determined the asteroid is man made."

Fascinating. What's even more fascinating that Sarah knew Michael had that device; another question for another time, perhaps. 

"I think I've located where the alien ship entered the asteroid, Captain," Paris was saying bringing their attention about to the situation at hand. "There's an open crater on the limb of the asteroid."

"Let's see it," Chakotay ordered and the viewscreen changed from the image of the asteroid to the opening that Paris had found.

Janeway crossed her arms over her chest. "How large is that crater, Mister Paris?"

"Two hundred meters in diameter."

"Captain," Tuvok cautioned. "May I suggest that you consider carefully what you're about to do?"

"How do you know what I'm about to do?" Janeway asked, raising an eyebrow and glancing at Tuvok.

"I could describe you in detail the psychological observations I have made of you over the past four years," Tuvok answered, calmly. "Which lead me to conclude that you are about to take this ship into the asteroid, but suffice it to say, I know you quite well."

"One of these days, I'm going to surprise you Tuvok," she replied, with a wry grin. "But not today."

Janeway moved back into the command station and briefly looked at her counselor. "I've already consider other options. If Neelix has any chance of surviving, we have to act fast. Red Alert. Mister Paris lay in a course. Mister Tuvok maximum shields, phasers at the ready."

The Captain turned about in the command station and looked hotly at Michael, "And you stay right there and don't touch anything."

"Yes ma'am."

Voyager glided into the asteroid while Janeway made her way down the command steps to stand next to Chakotay and behind Paris. Her eyes watched the screen intently as the cavern's walls began to narrow.

"Captain," Paris said. "I'm reducing power to the aft-thrusters only. This passageway is getting a little too narrow for my taste."

"Use your discretion Mister Paris," Janeway replied, turning towards Tuvok. "Any sign of the alien ship, Commander?"

"We're still following the ion trail," Tuvok answered, "but electromagnetic interference is limiting our sensor range. I'm only able to scan five hundred meters a head of us."

Chakotay asked the next question. "Are there any indications we're being scanned or probed Mister Kim."

"Not yet."

"Sick bay to Bridge. May I enlist the services of Counselor Barrett please?"

Janeway glanced up at the lieutenant. Was it her imagination or did the Doctor sound anxious? "Certainly Doctor, she's on her way, Janeway out." For a moment the women made eye contact. "You heard the Doctor, he needs your help, we're just going to have to handle first contact without you."

[hobbitsetal]

a theology of suffering

The idea for this post occurred to me a while ago when my dad taught on suffering as part of his Sunday school class, in which we’ve been going through the questions for the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors’ exam. And given life lately (and also the fact I’m at home!), this seems like an excellent time to write out what I’ve been taught.

Let me begin by saying that it is critical for Christians to have a theology of suffering--an understanding of what pain and misfortune can mean to Christians and an answer to the age-old question “why do bad things happen to good people?” 

This is critical for several reasons: 1. it enables us to glorify God properly when bad things happen--the “trials and tribulations” Scripture refers to. 2. it enables us to witness to nonbelievers more effectively. If my God isn’t big enough to handle pain, then He’s no God worth following. 3. it gives us a framework for strengthening and deepening our faith. 4. when bad things happen, we’re better prepared emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to place ourselves in the Lord’s loving care.

This will get long, so I’ll put the rest under a cut, because I personally don’t care to scroll past huge blocks of text.

As with every good endeavor in Christianity, we must start with God. If we don’t understand God’s perfect love, kindness, and sovereignty, then we will never understand how suffering can be turned to our good and His glory. Each of these attributes could be a blog post in themselves (and indeed, multiple excellent theology books have been written about the attributes of God, both singly and collectively), but I’ll pull out only a few Scripture verses to illustrate them.

The Psalms contain paeans to many of God’s attributes; I think the 23rd Psalm encapsulates His care for us most famously. He gives us peace of soul, He provides for our physical needs, He offers protection. Just skimming the Psalms means reading the most gorgeous descriptions of the Almighty:  “The earth is the LORD's and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein, for he has founded it upon the seas and established it upon the rivers.” (sovereignty over creation)

“Remember your mercy, O LORD, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O LORD!” (okay, i’m belaboring the point a little to say “His mercy and love”)

“I know that the LORD will maintain the cause of the afflicted,and will execute justice for the needy.” (This illustrates not merely His justice, but also David’s confidence in the Lord’s ability to bring justice--i.e., His power and arguably His sovereignty. He does not promise something He may not be able to give.)

1st John 4 speaks exquisitely to the love of God: “In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”

I could very much pull out verses all day, or even better, spend weeks going through a book to give each verse its proper context, but that is not the purpose of this post. This post is to talk about suffering.

James 1 begins by telling us to “count it all joy” when we meet “trials of various kinds.” I’ll be explicit to the point of inanity in this post because I don’t want anybody to discount what they’re going through or assume God must be talking about “real” problems. 

Trials may be trouble finding a good job; chronic illness; brief illness; injury; mean coworkers; false friends, mental illness (anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, dysmorphia--you name it); anguish of body, soul, or mind; painful relationships, particularly family. If something is marred by sin, if something brings us pain instead of joy, I would argue that it can be placed under the umbrella of atrial.

What’s the purpose of trials? I spoke briefly of God’s sovereignty. I mean that He is in total control of everything happens to us in our lives. No bad thing happens to us without the Lord allowing it. So why would He allow it?

Romans 8:28-29 is perhaps the most famous go-to verse for this: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.”

All things. The bad things we deal with (like corona virus and the loss of our jobs) are used by God to conform us to the image of His Son--to make us like Christ.

And what is Christ like? Ephesians speaks of Him as bringing peace, John rhapsodizes about His love, 1 Peter declares Him holy, Philippians says He was obedient to God even to the point of death.

1 Peter speaks of Christ’s suffering and His subsequent glories, but Peter also spoke of our suffering: “for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

Suffering to test our faith--not to demonstrate to God whether we have it or not, for He knows all things and He knows the deepest corners of our hearts better than we do--but to refine and improve and prove to us that God is able to care for everything we bring to Him.

And suffering also, sometimes, to correct us and bring us back to the Lord, according to Proverbs and to Hebrews and to other passages I’m not chasing down today: “My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights,” and also 

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

Not all suffering is punishment, but all suffering is purposeful. And the Lord’s purposes, according to Romans 8, are always for our good, to make us more like Christ. If God truly is the Perfect Being, if He truly is wise, good, gentle, loving, merciful, just, and holy, then the best possible thing that could ever happen to us is to become like Him.

So then, the purposes of suffering:

1. to make us more like Christ, Who suffered on our behalf. 2. to deepen our faith and bring us closer to God, since in our humanity we tend to rely on ourselves and on earthly things. 3. to demonstrate to outsiders the Lord’s provision and grace in facing the same sorts of pain that all humans deal with. 4. to correct sin and to train us in righteousness.

which of these is God’s purpose in each situation? I have no idea. But He has a purpose and He chooses those purposes out of love. And these purposes are individual: I may face the same problem someone else does, but God is using that problem to sanctify me uniquely.

[the-digimon-tamer]

Chapter 37 - The Shinjuku Quarantine is out now on FanFiction.Net and ArchiveOfOurOwn! Check them out with the links or find it after the break!

Title: The Tamer v2.0 - In HIs Name

Fandom: Digimon

Rating: T

Synopsis: In the next adventure of the Digimon Tamer, the lives of Juri, Rika, and Henry change forever when digimon begin crossing over into the human world. But it’s all just a story, right? Just a book series by an author no one has seen in a long time. Why are they here and can they save their world before something worse follows the digimon?

Renamon gazed down at Impmon’s unconscious form, laying on his back on the tree branch in the garden of the Makino household. Or Izumi, or Nonaka, or whatever it really was. As frustrating as it was to deal with, she knew that was at the bottom of their list of issues. First was what they were going to do when they got back to the Digital World. Second was what they were going to do about Impmon. She’d helped him out of a moment of pity - but was unsure if he deserved it after what he did. She closed her eyes and ruminated on it briefly, trying to reach a conclusion but unsatisfied with everything that came to mind.

He had killed Leomon - one of the partner digimon of the children who were going to save their world. And he’d done it for what? To test his power? She was unsure what to make of it since he’d always chosen to avoid fighting in the past - claiming that the smartest would survive. So was it really smart to run head first into a battle out of pure blood lust? And why his hatred towards the humans? His distrust for them far exceeded anything demonstrated by the Devas or the Sovereigns. And they had more reason to be weary than Impmon.

“Hmm?” Impmon cracked an eye open and looked around, still in a daze and struggling to stand up right. She crossed her arms, “Welcome back to the land of the living.”

“I’m alive?” Impmon looked down at himself, carefully inspecting every inch of his body for some damage. Renamon nodded, “Yes, although there were some of us who were unsure you deserved the courtesy. You’re alive only because Juri decided to show you a moment of mercy. The girl whose partner you killed.”

Impmon gave no answer, obviously still amazed that he was here and alive to be having this discussion. There was a distraught look in his eyes - a haunted gaze she’d seen only in the most traumatized of digimon before they were destroyed by other, stronger digimon. She tilted her head, “Regretting what you did?”

“I don’t…know how to say it…I saw so many…so many…” he was struggling to put into words. Whatever the Digimon Tamer had done to him clearly did a number - Impmon was reduced to rambling like a madman. After a moment, he shook his head, “I don’t know.”

“Use your words,” she pressed. He massaged his temples and closed his eyes so hard she was sure he was going to pass out again, “I don’t want to. Whatever that was. Whatever I saw. I don’t want to see it again. I don’t want to think of it.”

She should’ve suspected as much, “The Digimon Tamer said he put a bad memory in your head. If it did that to you, one can only imagine what it did to him.”

“That was a memory? I thought it was a nightmare!” Impmon protested angrily, “What the hell kinda human is that? He’s a kid!”

“He isn’t. He’s a digital being - like you or me and he’s even older than either of us,” Renamon explained, “I thought you said the smart would survive. The smart thing to do would’ve been to not run into that situation head first without a plan. So why’d you do it? What possessed you to attack us?”

Impmon fell quiet again, staring down at his hands and then looking skyward. He jumped up upon seeing the skyline, “We’re back in the human world!?”

“Yes, now answer my question. What happened?” Renamon pressed, becoming annoyed, “Why did you attack us!? You wanted to test your power but why on us?”

Impmon averted his gaze, “I wanted to prove that digimon could become strong without humans. That we didn’t need partners. I guess I was right, though. In the end, that old kid and his insane red dragon were the only ones who could beat me - one’s not even human and the other ain’t any kind of digimon I’ve seen before.”

Renamon felt herself shaking from his answer. Was that it? That was why he did all this? It was taking all her effort to restrain herself from doing anything rash, “You killed Leomon to make a point?”

No answer.

“You took a life, prevented it from reformatting, killed a good digimon in front of a ten year old girl…definitely traumatized her forever. All to make a point,” Renamon repeated quietly, shaking with uncontrolled anger. He still wouldn’t look at her. This must be how Rika feels any time she has to be around the Digimon Tamer. It was no wonder she was prone to fits of anger. Still, she needed to know, “Why do you have so much animosity towards humans!?”

“BECAUSE WHY COULDN’T I GET ONE OF THE GOOD ONES!?” Impmon snapped at her. That was not the answer she was expecting from him. She recalled Tamer mentioning he had a bad partner but bad enough to make him like that? What kind of human was capable of making Impmon like this? It didn’t excuse any of his actions - they were still unforgivable - but she had no idea that he’d been hurting this whole time.

“The Digimon Tamer said you had a partner. We determined that much,” she said quietly, more repeating the fact than anything else. He nodded, “I had partners. These two kids. And they fought over everything! Toys! Food! Clothes! And everything they fought over, they eventually broke. It was only a matter of time until they broke me. Hell, they probably already did. So I ran from that place before they could make it any worse and never looked back. And I don’t regret it for a moment.”

Renamon notes the hesitation in his voice, “Even after everything you did? Killing Leomon? Forcing a little girl to watch?”

Once again he gave no answer and just stared off into space. She was getting really annoyed with his evasiveness, “Did you ever try talking to them? Working things out?”

“What do I look like, some kinda counselor?” Impmon raised an eyebrow, “Y’know what? We’ve been answering all your questions so how’s about you answers one o’ mine?”

That was fair, “What did you want to know?”

“Why are we back in the human world?” Impmon asked quietly. There was a lot to answer there, “We figured out the cause of all of this and it isn’t good by any measure. We returned to this world to regroup before we headed back to deal with it. After all, everyone was tired and Juri was in no condition to continue. Not after what you did.”

“Will ya stop tryin’ to guilt me? That’s the last thing I need!” Impmon protested angrily. Renamon remained passive, “I answered the question. Now answer mine! What are you going to do now?”

“Wha!?” Impmon gave her a quizzical look. Renamon picked the digimon up by his scarf, “You got your power and it amounted to nothing. Your own stated distrust of humans was built on your past experiences with your partner. But you were clearly the exception, not the rule. You said it was all about survival. So are you going to continue out on your own, as much good as it’s done you. Or are you going to go back to your partners?”

Impmon stared downward at the garden in silence, clearly contemplating the answer. Renamon waited for it eagerly until she felt a sudden energy in the air that made her fur stand on end. She looked upwards, over the horizon and saw a massive red blob in the distance. The red mass that they’d fought in the Digital World. It was here. It was in the human world. Impmon saw it too and his jaw fell open, “Well I know what I’m doing first. I’m getting away from that!”

She didn’t try to stop him, letting him run away. It seemed that was what he was best at. Running away from danger.

But there was no time to dwell on him. That thing was here now. She knew now that there would be no going back to the Digital World. Not if it was here.

…

“This was the scene today in downtown Tokyo as the gelatinous red mass continues to expand. It’s been five hours since the mass first appeared and now the mass has absorbed three square blocks of the city. Government officials have declared the area a quarantine zone and are advising citizens to stay at least a mile away. The Self Defense Force continues to evacuate citizens to camps outside the city, however unrest grows as questions go answered. And now we go to our resident expert at the studio-”

Yamaki switched off the news and groaned angrily at the situation. The Minister of Defense was breathing down his neck to solve the problem and he had no solutions. He had no idea what this problem even was. It wasn't like with the wild ones - they could at least be captured and contained, or put down if that wasn’t an option. But this thing - this mass. It was too big to properly contain and none of the weapons they’d developed to fight ‘digimon’ were proving effective.

They couldn’t tranquilize it, it didn’t respond to magnets or electrical shocks or anything. If he didn’t come up with something soon, it would be his ass.

His phone rang, pulling him out of his thoughts, “Director Yamaki speaking.”

“Director, this is the Prime Minister,” the man on the other end said. He froze up, feeling the color drain from his face as the nation’s leader spoke, “Tell me you have a plan for this.”

“We’re exercising all our options, sir,” Yamaki answered, “We’re readying to fire Juggernaut again, and currently have our scientists working around the clock to better study what we’re up against.”

He doubted the Prime Minister appreciated his assurances, especially with his current track record regarding the wild ones. He massaged the bridge of his nose as he prepared for whatever answer the Minister would give, “Your department hasn’t had the best of luck when it comes to dealing with these other worldly threats. Since discretion is no longer a factor, I’m authorizing the Defense Force to step in. Im giving operational command to the general and I Hypnos providing support and intelligence.”

“Sir, with all due respect, that’s in violation of the Morpheus Project,” Yamaki reminded him, “If you don’t want the United Nations Security Council coming down on us, I strongly recommend operating within our-”

“We both know that’s a crock of shit, Yamaki. Be realistic. The Chinese, the French, the British, the Russians...hell, the Americans violate more UN agreements before breakfast. Who gives a shit about the UN right now? Let’s focus on dealing with the problem with everything we have. I’m not having another Odaiba Incident. Do you understand?”

Yamaki hesitated, unprepared for this specific scenario. Agreeing meant breaking several international agreements, which he was sure the Prime Minister would happily blame him for to save face. Alternatively, refusing would lead to his arrest for treason. He would need to play his cards carefully going forward. And he could only do that if he was in charge of his team, “Whatever you need sir.”

Carefully chosen words. He could argue that he was following orders from the Prime Minister if this ever came back to bite him.

“Good, get it done,” the Prime Minister responded. The line went dead and Yamaki took a moment to consider his situation. Time for reflection like this was enough to make him understand that his situation was infuriating. He needed to stay calm and think rationally. But he had nothing for this. He was being set up as the fall guy. But that was going to happen over his dead body. He could afford to be emotional, if only for a moment. All that anger and rage and frustration erupted as throwing the phone as hard as he could at the wall - smashing it to pieces and denting the dry wall. He would not take the fall for these men. Not after everything he'd done to keep this nation - this world safe.

This was no longer just a mission to save the world. This was a mission to save the world and destroy their of these feckless politicians - he was going to burn all his bridges and leave them standing in the ruin.

...

Henry couldn’t believe his eyes as his parents watched the news over breakfast. The red mass that had threatened the Digital World was now in their world. But how? Had it followed them when they came back? Was it their fault?

As his mind raced in a panic, the news reporter went on, “Military personnel are quarantining the area and preventing anyone from getting closer but the mass absorbs all barricades placed to contain it. If you look over my shoulder, the trucks parked on the street and walls erected to contain the mass are now partially absorbed. They also appear to be setting up weapons for a conventional attack on the target - we’ve seen tanks, helicopters, transport vehicles and-”

The reporter was cut off as a soldier appeared behind him, “Hey! We told you to back up! Shut off that camera! This is a designated quarantine zone. You will move back now!”

Before either the reporter or the soldier could say anymore, gunfire could be heard followed by terrified screams. As the news cut back to the reporters in the station, Henry heard a loud bang followed by the apartment shaking. Terriermon ran to the window, “Well that’s not good. We thought we’d be safe here but it followed us.”

Henry turned his attention to the window and saw smoke rising over the buildings, in the direction of the red mass. Of the D-Reaper. He shuddered, knowing what he had to do but still terrified by what he would have to do. His partner elbowed his leg, or did something similar to it and Henry regained his resolve, “We need to go help.”

His mom didn’t take to that and she roared, “Henry, are you insane!? You’ll get yourself killed!”

He should’ve expected his mom’s disapproval, “Mom! That thing is destroying the Digital World! The world Terriermon came from! If I don’t go...if this isn’t stopped before it gets out of hand, then our world will be next! Terriermon and I need to go out there now while we can still do something about it.”

“It’s not just you two. I’m going to hurry back to the Metropolitan Building,” his dad added anxiously, hurrying to grab the phone, “I’m going to call Yamaki now. The sooner we get involved, the better.”

“Again!? Dear, don't tell me you’re involved in this!?” his mom cried out in anger. His dad shook his head sheepishly, “Honestly? If it’s anything to do with the digimon, then I made the problem! Henry! Make sure you and Terriermon come back safe!”

“Will do dad!” Henry called out, scooping up his partner and rushing for the door. As he slipped his shoes on, Xiaochun ran up along side him and tried to follow suit, “I’m coming too! We can help!”

“Am I the only one who thinks this is a terrible idea? I mean, I’m literally a fraction of my size right now and she wants to rush out there with you!” Lopmon asked from behind them.

“That’s why you guys are going to stay here!” Henry said so loudly, he nearly shouted. He didn’t want his sister getting involved in this mess and gently nudged her back inside, “Sorry, I don’t mean to shout. But you need to stay here.”

“Henry! I want to help!” she whined, “I have a digivice too! I can help! And Lopmon will come too, right?”

“Don’t you dare put words in my mouth,” Lopmon protested with folded arms.

“I-” he paused, knowing she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. She was as stubborn as she was small. Although, he supposed that meant she was going to be very strong willed as an adult. He needed to convince her to stay with another reason, “You can help by protecting our family while I’m out, okay?”

She glared at him, catching on to the lie right away. Of course she did. It was obvious. But he wasn’t about to let her rush out into danger like this. Not when their lives when in danger. Finally, she huffed, “Fine!”

“Don’t worry, okay? I’ll be back!” he said, finishing putting on his shoes and running outside with Terriermon on his head. There wasn’t any more point in discretion. Not anymore.

The streets were just short of being full of panic, with armed soldiers keeping everyone calm as they directed traffic down set roads to help clear the city. Buses packed full of people moved along side those who’d packed their families into cars while everyone else walked. He must’ve looked crazy going in the opposite direction - but he ran as fast as he could through the crowds until he came across a soldier blocking him off, “Hey! Watch it kid! We’re evacuating! You’re heading in the wrong direction!”

Henry looked past the soldier at tent where more soldiers worked at a makeshift command center. Computers were hooked up to various radios and antenna that all fed into a rocket truck. He panicked at the sight of it, “You’re not planning of shooting rockets in the city, are you?”

“That’s not your business, kid. Now get back! I’m not saying it again,” the soldier warned again. Henry tried reasoning him but he didn’t expect it to go anywhere, “You don’t understand! Those won’t work! You can make it rain missiles all you want, they won’t do anything against a monster like-”

The soldier raised a rifle and pointed it at him, making a point of clicking off the safety. Henry raised up his hands and stepped back quietly, “Okay! I’m getting back!”

“Kids these days have no respect,” the soldier muttered quietly.

He stepped backwards several steps until the soldier lowered his gun, then turned and ran. There was no getting through to this soldier. And he definitely wasn’t going to get past this soldier either. He would need to change his approach - otherwise he’d risk getting shot at.

“Psst! Henry!” Rika called out to him from a nearby side street, poking her head out around the corner.  He nodded and ran to join her, ducking into the side street to see Ryo there too with Monodramon and Renamon. Ryo crossed his arms and groaned, “Don't bother talking to them. We already tried that and they just got mad at us.”

“What are they even doing? They don’t seriously think that’ll work, do they? It’s literally absorbing everything it touches. It’ll probably just absorb the bullets and missiles too. And I doubt the explosions will do them any good,” Monodramon observed.

“Okay, take a running start!” a soldier called out. They poked their heads around the corner again to see a soldier holding a model plane in his hands. It was probably about half his height, but the wings were wide enough to mount what looked like small cameras. He raised it over his head and took a running start towards the red mass, throwing it with all his might as the propellor kicked on and it soared straight into the mass, “UAV is in the air! Receiving a signal in five!”

“UAV?” Renamon repeated.

“You got me,” Henry shrugged. The soldiers were too far away to hear properly and it was hard to make out anything else. After a few moments, one of the soldiers jumped out of his chair and threw his helmet on the ground in a fit of anger, “Piece of shit! How did it lose a signal? It’s fifty feet away! I could fucking see it with my own eyes if that stupid red jelly weren’t there!”

“Sergeant! Watch your language!” another of the soldiers barked at him, quieting the soldier down. Rika scoffed and turned away, “Saw that one coming a mile away. Of course it absorbed it. What’s over there anyway?”

“Apartments and I think some tracks,” Henry answered, peeking over again to see the soldier getting scolded by what must’ve been a superior. Rika scratched her head, “Okay, but why here? None of us were anywhere near here last night…”

“Wait, didn’t that one lady take Juri home last night?” Ryo asked aloud. Renamon’s tone changed, “You don’t think that she’s in there, do you?”

“Wait, I’m not following. What’s going on?” Terriermon asked quietly. Henry realized all too quickly what Ryo was getting at and was horrified by the realization explained, “The teacher from my school - Miss Asaji or Kari Kamiya or whoever - she said she was going to take Juri home since they didn’t need to hide a digimon and her parents weren’t there. I bet you they were on that train!”

“So that thing followed us here? How would it have come through though?” Terriermon asked, still not following the conversation. Henry scratched his head, “I don’t know. Juri was acting weird after everything that happened with Leomon. It could be connected. It could just be a really random coincidence. We have no real way of knowing at this point. Anything’s possible. For all we know, Tamerkato’s the one responsible for all of this!”

“You guys should really lighten up on him,” Terriermon frowned. Renamon looked upward, “It doesn’t matter for now. We’re on our own. We should fight.”

“And how are we going to do that with the military right there? They’ll shoot you on sight!” Rika gasped in panic, “I don’t want to lose you or see you get hurt because of them!”

…

The sergeant threw his helmet in a fit of anger. That was several million yen down the drain with no chance of being recovered. Still, they needed to know what was going on in there. They needed to be able to see what happened to anyone who would’ve been absorbed by this thing when it first showed up. But there was no way to do that safely. And the drone was their only chance.

He looked at the ever expanding red mass and wondered just what it was - where had it come from and what was it after? Was it even alive? Or was this some really weird magma flow? That couldn’t be possible. Ambient air temperature was the same. It wasn’t hot. It wasn’t radioactive. It just…was. It existed.

An amorphous blob that was growing faster than it could be contained.  

Part of its surface bubbled like something was trying to escape. Then a golden eye appeared. He took a step back and blinked in surprise, “Hey guys? The thing has an eye now.”

“An eye?” one of the soldiers repeated. Some of his squad approached, each with their hands on their pistols for safety - not that it would do them much good against this thing. If it was this big, there was no doubt bullets wouldn’t even hurt it.

The eye blinked, bulging from the red surface until a face of purple skin protruded from the surface. Then another. And another appeared. Each broke free from the surface of the red mass - taking the shape of something like a bird. Or what a bird might look to someone who’d only ever heard of a bird.

The basic shape was there - but the proportions were all wrong and it didn’t seem to understand how birds worked. Eyes on the wings, claws coming from its body, and legs that seemed more like wires connecting it back to the main red mass. And the wings - they didn’t flap but the bird creature was able to hover in the air in defiance of every natural law. Like the wings were just for show and they flew of their own accord.

And before anyone knew it, there were hundreds of them just hovering in the air. Then they scattered, flying in hundreds of different directions around the city all at once. They couldn’t be allowed to get away. They had to be contained. They couldn’t be allowed to wreak havoc on the city.

…

“OPEN FIRE!” a soldier shouted from around the corner. Everyone poked their heads out again to see soldiers firing aimlessly at a flock of bird like creatures flying above in the sky. Ryo blinked and did a double take of what he was seeing. They weren’t birds - they were something else. Something completely unnatural. And there were hundreds of them. But with all the bullets flying in the air, it didn’t seem to matter. The bird things zipped around the hail of bullets like nothing and proceeded forward - scattering around the city and going in many different directions.

Rika leapt out from behind the corner and declared, “If Juri is in there then we can’t leave her hanging. We have to help! Come on Renamon!”

She stood there for a moment, holding her digivice in the air and striking an odd pose. Renamon poked her in the side, “What are you doing, Rika?”

“Is this one of those living statues things?” Ryo asked, unsure of what Rika was doing. Rika looked up at her digivice and frowned, “What gives? Why isn’t it working?”

“Why isn’t what working?” Ryo looked at the digivice in confusion, still trying to understand what she was doing. She turned to both boys and held up her digivice for them to see, “That bio-digivolution-dna-merge thing? It worked in the Digital World! Why isn’t it working here? We need to become Sakuyamon!”

“Let me try,” Henry said, raising up his digivice. After a moment with nothing happening, he started swiping cards at random to no effect. It did make Terriermon twitch in excitement with every single card swipe as he complained, “Henry! Knock it off! I’m getting dizzy from all the power ups!”

“It’s not working for me, either!” Henry gasped. It was a shame. This would have been a really good time to have both Sakuyamon and MegaGargomon. After all, those two seemed to be the only digimon fully capable of actually harming whatever the hell the red bio mass was. However, they couldn’t afford to give up now. There were people in trouble. He gently nudged both Rika and Henry, “It doesn’t matter! We’re just going to have to get in there and support our partners. Monodramon, promise you won’t go crazy?”

“Only on whatever those things are,” the little purple dragon cheered ecstatically, “I’ve been waiting for a good fight!”

“Okay!” Ryo charged out first, his partner following close behind and then rushing ahead of them. Ryo stopped just a few feet from one of the soldiers and took out the red card, “Digimodify! Digivolution Activate!”

“Monodramon! Warp Digivolve to! Cyberdramon!”

The dragon digimon roared to life with a flash of bright light and leapt up into the fight, soaring over the soldiers heads to attack the bird-like creatures. For all the good it did as they were moving too fast for him to catch up to. He swiped another card, “DigiModify! Speed Boost Activate!”

With the new power up, Cyberdramon was able to close the gap with one of the bird things. He tore into it with his razor sharp claws but was barely able to hurt the thing - in fact, it hardly seemed to notice that it was being attacked at all. Before Ryo could swipe another card through, one of the soldiers picked him up, “What the hell are you doing here, kid!? This is an active combat zone! Cover me! I’m getting the civvie out of the fight!”

“Squad! Fall back! Igarashi! Toyotomi! Cover our retreat” the lead soldier barked out, ironically further back from the fighting than the rest of the soldiers. Two of the soldiers turned their weapons on Cyberdramon, trying to get a bead on him as they fired, “New contact! Open fire!”

“NO!” Ryo shouted at them, but his cries were drowned out with the sound of gunfire.

“I wouldn’t do that,” Renamon said, appearing beside some of the soldiers and kicking their weapons out of their hands. A few of them reached for their pistols and took aim at her but were unable to fire before she moved beside them, hitting the weapons out of their hands. Rika and Henry finally stepped out from behind the alley and called out to the guards, “Seriously? She moved so fast that none of you saw her until it was too late. What makes you think pointing a gun at her is a good idea!?”

“Go easy on them,” Henry chided her, nodding to his partner who finally ran into the fight with a great big smile. Henry swiped his cards through his deck and called out, “DigiModify! Digivolution Activate!”

Rika followed his lead and did the same, swiping her own card through her digivice. Both partners rose up into the air as they digivolved in bright flashes of light.

“Terriermon! Warp Digivolve to! Rapidmon!”

“Renamon! Warp Digivolve to! Taomon!”

The two ultimates joined along side Cyberdramon, trying to inflict some harm on the flock of bird like creatures before any of them could get away. Together, the three of them actually were able to hit some of the creatures but it didn’t seem as if their attacks actually did anything to harm them. The soldiers were too caught up by what they were seeing to actually notice how ineffectual their attacks were. The soldier carrying Ryo finally set him down on the ground, “Who the hell are you kids?”

Ryo, Henry, and Rika exchanged glances. Ryo wasn’t sure how to explain anything to these soldiers. After all, the whole situation was absurdly fantastic. Then again, they’d probably believe anything too. Ryo stammered, “We’re…um…we’re…”

“Here to help,” Henry answered for him, “Right, guys?”

“Yeah, but who the hell are you?” the soldier asked again. Rika scoffed, “Those are our digimon. And we are digimon tamers!”

...

Kari finished cooking some eggs and ham, setting up bowls of rice for herself, Guilmon, and Tamer. Once the table was set, she called out to him only to be met with Guilmon instead. He sniffed the food and asked, “It looks yummy! Can I have some?”

“Of course. I cooked it for us,” she said, barely finishing her sentence before he started to dig straight into the food. Kari felt her appetite go away in disgust with how quickly and disgustingly the dinosaur made the food go away, “I said us, Guilmon. Us!”

As she looked away from his eating spree, she noted Tamer still hasn’t joined them, “Where’s your partner?”

“Takatomon was in your bedroom drawing on your window,” Guilmon said with a mouth full of food. Kari sighed and pushed her plate his way, “Go ahead and have mine. I’m going to talk to him.”

She made her way into the bedroom, watching him draw on her window with a red marker and massaged her temple. Not once in her life did she think she would talking to him like a disappointed parent. Then again, she was sure he’d had enough of that in the last few days, “You better plan on washing that off.”

“I will when all this is over,” he promised, not even looking up from his work. That was hardly reassuring to her, especially since the drawing consisted of what looked like a crude map of the city along with some numbers. It was curious, “What are you doing?”

“Measuring the rate of growth and expansion. It’s slow but it’s expanding at an increasing rate. It could swallow the city in a matter of days,” he crossed his arms, “Which makes the whole thing more complicated. The country in the week. The whole world in a month. Time is a factor and we don’t have a lot of it.”

“Okay, but why the window and not a piece of paper?” she asked. He gave her a quizzical look and called her over to have a look at the window from his perspective. The map may have been crude from where she was standing, but it drawn so all the streets and landmarks lined up with where they could be seen from her window, “My math might be off but it should be accurate enough to get a rough estimate.”

She smiled at him, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were playing dumb with your math homework this entire time.”

He smiled back at her and went back to continuing doing math on the window, “I made you some eggs and bacon but I imagine that Guilmon has eaten it all by now.”

Tamer shrugged it off. It seemed he was focused solely on his business at this point whatever his business was. And she didn’t like bring left out of the loop. Not anymore, “Tell ME you’ve got a plan to save Juri. To save both worlds.”

“I probably did. I just can’t remember it. My memories are still off but being in the Digital World helped clear my head of the static. It comes in flashes. And not all of its good,” he paused, stopping his drawings long enough to look back at her with the the biggest puppy dog eyes she’d ever seen, “For whatever it’s worth, I’m sorry. For everything. From when you were a little kid to now. I really am sorry. I was a jerk back then. And I don’t want to be a jerk now. I want to be better. I’m sorry.”

Words she never thought she’d hear him say so genuinely. But that wasn’t important now, “That’s in the past. Right now, all I’m worried about is saving Juri and the world. What is the plan?”

“Right now? Wing it and hope for the best. That thing is called the D-Reaeper. And a long time ago, the guardians couldn’t kill it. We threw everything at it. It evolved and learned so quickly that it was impossible to try the same strategy twice without it adapting. So we did the next best thing. We sealed it away with another equally powerful monster,” he answered, “I’d say we try that again, but I don’t know where we’re going to get that many strong digimon to trick it and an equally strong monster - not digimon, monster - to fight it for another...I don’t know. Another eternity.”

He started pacing frantically, “Okay, plan. Plan. I remember I’m supposed to be good at this stuff - being unpredictable. Winging it so that stuff just kinda works out. So why can’t I think of anything? Gah! Okay, think. Think.”

BOOM!

The apartment shook and Tamer latched on to her to keep from falling over. There was a loud crash somewhere in the distance that must’ve been Guilmon falling over in the kitchen. Once the apartment settled, Kari looked down at Tamer, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, you?” he asked. She nodded, turning her attention out the window, “What the hell was that?”

Her answer came in the form of smoke rising in the distance out her window. It was accompanied by the sight of a strange flock of birds and digimon: Taomon, Rapidmon, and a strange dragon digimon she didn’t recognize. She looked back down at Tamer, “It looks like the rest of your new friends are out there fighting for their lives.”

Tamer’s expression sank, “What? Oh no. Okay, that changes things. I could help but…no, they definitely don’t want to talk to me right now. So change of plan…back up! They need back up! We need to help them! Guilmon! We need to go!”

He collected himself and hurried for the door with Guilmon in tow. But then he paused, stopping just as his hand turned the handle. He didn’t open the door. He didn’t run out to help the others. He just stood there, staring at the door. Then he let it go, stepping back from the door quietly, “Maybe I shouldn’t.”

“What?” Kari blurted, “Tamer, what happened to all that enthusiasm you had a second ago?”

“I’m just realizing something. Any time I help, things just go from bad to worse,” Tamer threw his hands up in frustration, “I could help. I could! But my help tends to cause more problems than it solves! And let’s be fair! With my helping streak, I’ll probably get them killed!”

“So what. Your plan is to sit here and do nothing?” Kari asked, unsure of what exactly he was thinking. Tamer shook his head, massaging his temple as he began pacing in her door way, “Sure! Why not? It’s not like I’ll help them any more than I helped Juri. Who knows, maybe they’ll get kidnapped too! Maybe Ryo will get to spend another twenty years in the Digital World. That’s how destiny seems to be working itself out anyway. I’m supposed to be the Guardian of that and I can’t even remember what I’m supposed to do!”

Kari looked at Tamer pitifully, recalling all her previous adventures in the Digital World and noting how this must’ve been what it looked like from the other side. He seemed genuinely lost and had no idea what to do. All resemblance to the one who always had a plan melted away, all that remained was the misbehaving student from her class with a frustratingly short attention span. As a teacher, she’d always tried using a mix of discipline and learning moments in the hopes of getting through to him. But what exactly could she say now? What should she say?

What would he need to hear? Probably Agumon at this point. She looked over at Guilmon, recalling everything he’d told her. Agumon would be of no help, not in this state. But if he were still around with all his memories intact, what would he say? Of course.

“Don’t worry about it,” Kari said. Tamer looked up at her with a raised eyebrow, “Excuse me?”

Kari mused “It was something Agumon said to us back when you were being ‘Taichi’ that one time, as annoying as it got. Don’t worry about it. Do what comes natural and destiny will usually work itself out. That’s what he told us when we went looking for you. And it’s definitely what you need to hear. Just do what comes natural. So...what do you want to do?”

He looked up at her quietly with big sad eyes. It was easy to forget that he was over a hundred thousand years old when he had those big, sad, childish eyes looking up at her. She put a hand on his shoulder to calm him, “Tamer, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. What should I do?” he asked her quietly. He didn’t know. He was on their level. The apartment shook again as another distant explosion rocked the building. She looked back out her apartment window at the chaos outside. If only she had her partner, “I know what I’d do if Gatomon were here. I’d run out there and try to save the city.”

His eyes widened and a small smile cracked on his face, “When did you get so good at this?”

She smiled back at him, “Someone had to step up when you weren’t around. We all did, honestly. You weren’t around to save the world.”

He nodded silently, still smiling in simple agreement, “You guys really did. And you did a great job of it too. I...I’m sorry for how I was before.”

“You already apologized Tamer. Otherwise, I’m glad we’re having a moment, but the city is in danger! So stop talking and get out there!” Kari said just short of shouting at him. He nodded in agreement and threw the door open, “Yeah, come on buddy! Let’s go get some help.”

“Thank you for breakfast! It was super yummy!” The red dinosaur cheered as he followed his partner back out the door. Kari sighed - those two were the best shot they had right now. She just hoped they were able to do something. That Tamer would come up with a plan before it was too late and all of this would be over soon.

[stopforamoment]

Glooms Day Blooms Day (6 of 7)

Sturm und Drang

Glooms Day Blooms Day (6 of 7)

Book: The Royal Romance (After Book Three)

Pairing: Bastien Lykel x OFC Rinda Parks

Word Count: 1,629

Rating: M for Mature Topics and Language

Triggers: Reference to divorce and child custody arguments

Author’s Note: Obligatory disclaimer that Pixelberry Studios owns the TRR characters and my pocketbook with those darn diamond scenes. OFC with all of her quirks is all mine. My apologies if Tumblr or I do something stupid when I try to post this. The keep reading link shows up on my laptop but not my phone. Ugh.

This series takes place in week three of the school year, and Bastien and Rinda are about to go through their first major friendship challenges.

Summary: It’s the Monday morning after the fight, and just another crazy day at school.

When Rinda got to work Monday morning she sent Bastien a message. 

I have a crazy day, so I might not see you until this afternoon. I hope you have a good day and I’ll talk to you later.

It wasn’t completely true, but it bought her a little more time. She was hoping she wouldn’t have to see him until the end of the day when she would have a little more privacy and a little more time to . . . Rinda didn’t know. But she knew she would still be awkward around him, even if she now understood what happened. She was still working on processing and reconciling it, but at least her initial pain and hatred were now gone.

Even though he didn’t speak with Rinda, Bastien could see her influence throughout the day. He heard some of the kids talking about last Friday’s Jam. There was a rumor that another teacher would join Mrs. Parks and Ms. Halkais when they did their dance routine this week, and they couldn’t wait for Friday. Bastien smiled. He knew Rinda was asking other teachers to get involved in the Friday jams, and Julian was the first to volunteer.

When he went outside he saw a child sit on the Buddy Bench, and soon several other children came up, inviting the lonely child to play.

A couple teachers were in the lounge, discussing last week’s Dumbledorf’s Army safety meeting. They were writing down topics they wanted to discuss with Rinda and Laura before the next meeting.

Alex Dimitriou was in the hallway, laughing with some friends. He gave Bastien a friendly wave. “Hi, Mr. Lykel!” Bastien smiled. “Hello, Alex.” He heard the hushed whispers of Alex’s friends. “Wow, he knows your name!”

A group of children were lined up, ready to transition from their classroom to the music room. They all held their hands out to Bastien, and he gave each one of them a high-five as he walked past. Rinda suggested that he do that to get the kids more used to him.

“Hi, Mr. Lykel!” “How are you, Mr. Lykel!” “Thank you, Mr. Lykel!” “Thank you for keeping us safe!” That was Rinda, too. She insisted that Bastien visit each one of the classrooms at the beginning of the year to introduce himself and to explain that he was there to keep them safe. She also insisted that the teachers do their part to normalize having a security officer, their own school superhero, to keep them safe while they were at school. And Rinda expected the children to let Mr. Lykel know that they were glad he was there as part of their Valtoria Primary School family. He needed to feel welcome, too.

A couple times throughout the day he heard her laugh. It resonated through the halls and a couple children giggled. “That must be Mrs. Parks!”

When he went into the library he saw two community volunteers checking in and reshelving the books students returned.

One of the volunteers was starting to pull pieces of paper out of the books. “Why are there notes in so many of these books?”

The other volunteer laughed. “You need to put them back in the books. My daughter was telling me about that. Mrs. Parks, the American teacher, mentioned to the class that she likes to leave notes in books for the next person who reads the book. She had the kids try it, but they had to promise the notes were folded up so they aren’t a plot spoiler. Now most of the kids in the school are doing it and love it.”

While they were talking Bastien walked over to the shelf for “Teacher Picks.” Each teacher had a recommended reading list. That was Rinda’s idea too. He wandered over to the shelf, wondering what books she chose, but the shelves were still empty from the previous week. The students loved the teacher picks and they were always checked out.

When Bastien was walking outside for pick up he noticed a parent monopolizing a teacher’s time when she was trying to help get the other children ready to leave. Bastien came into the room and he said the code in a silly gibberish, loud enough so all of the children could hear. “Sorry to interrupt, Mrs. Ganas. I see so many children standing around when they should be excited about getting ready to leave. Is it a Glooms Day Blooms Day?” Stacey, Mrs. Ganas, gave Bastien a grateful smile as he expertly redirected the parent so she could get back to the other children.

Rinda’s impact was everywhere. She was everything. And he missed her.

…..

Bastien knew he had to be outside and alert during pick up today because it was on the emergency schedule Rinda gave him the previous week.  Xavier’s parents were going through a bitter custody battle, and Rinda flagged the pick ups that might be problematic. Rinda and Alicia had outside pick-up duty, Bastien was outside, and Laura and Julian hovered outside just in case.

Both parents showed up for pick up, and it soon got into an ugly fight. Rinda radioed the principal for back up while she and Alicia quickly herded the other kids out of the way, turning them around so they couldn’t stare at the interaction. Bastien subdued the father while Julian came in to help control the mother. Laura ran up to take Xavier’s hand and took him inside the school using a side entrance, blocking his view so he wouldn’t see what was happening to his parents, and Stacey Ganas rushed outside to give Alicia and Rinda extra help with the other children and their parents. When things calmed down and Xavier’s parents were taken inside, Rinda radioed the principal to confirm that Laura had taken Xavier into her classroom and everything was under control outside, and she double checked that the principal was going to call the boy’s emergency contact if necessary. Then Stacey went back inside while Rinda and Alicia stayed outside to finish pick up duty.

The police came, but Xavier didn’t know. He just knew that he got to play UNO with Ms. Halkais until his grandma picked him up from school.

. . . . .

Julian and Bastien walked quietly to Laura and Rinda’s classroom. They were sitting on the floor with Alicia and Stacey, waiting to hear what happened. Julian and Bastien sat down on the floor with them, but no one said anything.

Laura spoke first. “This was a really shitty situation, but I think we did a great job.”

Julian turned to Laura. “How is Xavier doing?”

“I think he’s doing okay. We played UNO until his grandma came.”

Alicia nodded. “It looked like you were able to get everyone out of there really quickly. Rinda, Stacey, and I really didn’t know what was happening, we were so busy with the other kids.”

Bastien nodded. “That’s good though. Everyone had a designated role, and we each did our part. It worked perfectly . . . considering what happened.”

“Bastien, what happened with the parents?”

Bastien turned to Stacey. “Both of them were taken to the police station to sort things out, so it’s good that we had Xavier’s emergency contact info ready so social services didn’t have to get involved. At least not to take Xavier while the police sort everything out. And Julian, thank you for helping with his mother. We got them inside quickly, without any complications.”

Rinda had said nothing, and everyone turned to her, wondering what why she was so quiet. “Sorry, I’m just thinking. I already called Xavier’s teacher to give him a head’s up, but we may have to deal with some damage control with the other kids tomorrow. I’ll call the school counselor and get that figured out. I don’t even know if he has clean clothes or a toothbrush at his grandma’s house so I’ll check on that.” She slowly got up and turned around and smiled. “Laura and Bastien are right. We all did a great job, and tomorrow’s another day. We’ve spent a long time focusing on Xavier and that poor kid’s shitty situation. Meanwhile we’re sitting here, ignoring our own families. You guys should get out of here and have a good night. I’m just going to quick call the counselor. I think we need a cronut and coffee run tomorrow morning. Just message your requests and I’ll pick it up.”

She stretched a bit and rolled her neck. “Thank you, everyone. That really did go very well, believe it or not. I’ve never seen this kind of situation go so smoothly before. I’m just processing this and thinking about how we can do better back home. I mean, in the United States. I don’t know why my country can be such a cluster fuck at times.” She sat down at her desk, grabbing her squeeze ball and bouncing it against the wall as she called the counselor.

. . . . .

Everyone left, except Bastien. He was standing to the side, waiting for Rinda to finish her call. When Rinda was done she sat quietly for a minute. They all worked well together, and today they made a difference. Bastien was a part of that. It wasn’t as simple as Rinda now forgetting the past weekend, but it was a reminder that he cared and she could still rely on him. They all could. And she was ready to move forward.

Rinda got up and walked over to him. She put her arms around his waist and leaned into him. “I missed you, Bastien.”

His arms circled around her and he rested his chin on her head. “I missed you too, Rinda.”

[ayurileopardsdream]

A Hand-held Curse. Chapter 3.

Description: Plagued by sudden depression, the author threw this fic into the deepest depths of angst. Raven does the unthinkable after Apple unknowingly sends her down one of the darkest paths alive.

>> Read at your own risk. If you have any issues about this chapter, I’d prefer if you came to me about them through my main tumblr account ask box so it’s private. Thank you, enjoy.<<

Author’s note: This is like, the most angst I’ve ever written in my entire life. I made my best friend cry.

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 part 1 - Chapter 2 part 2

Rating: T

Words: 2,255

Au: none

Fandom: Ever After High

Characters / Pairing: Raven Queen x Apple White

Genre: romance, hurt & comfort, fluff, angst. Angst angst angst.

“Apple?! Raven?! What are you two doing?!?!”

That was the last thing they heard before their lives were plunged into the deepest and darkest places of hell. They were torn apart instantly. This message was written from a month in the future. 

The entire school had gone dark, almost emotionless from what had happened on that day. What they thought was a funeral for someone they’d never expect, another student debating on leaving Ever After High forever after, and the highest Headmaster locking himself in his office the entire time, for sadness and for guilt. It was like that time the Evil Queen took over the land. But this time, it was so much worse.

The halls were dark and lifeless, no sun reached the land since the princess had fallen, as if a curse was laid upon this land when she up and left it. Everyone was sad and a little slouched, the teachers tried to continue lessons and class but it was so hard with how things went around and how all the students felt.

Nobody had seen Milton since the funeral, not even Giles could reach his older brother.

Even the Evil Queen herself was sad and emotionless. She did nothing evil no longer. She was just... a queen.

We’ve spent enough time in the future however. Let’s go back to when it all started.

When the princesses were copulating in the great Enchanted Forest, that’s when everything died.

“Apple?! Raven?! What are you two doing?!?!”

Ashlynn Ella gasped, it could be disgust, horror, surprise, who knew. But Apple and Raven were in trouble.

“Ashlynn?!” Apple cried, quickly grabbing her clothes to cover her bare chest while wiping it off. Raven’s face was beet-red once again, but she couldn’t really do anything, since Apple was on her lap still, and she was kind of frozen in shock. 

Ashlynn was walking towards them, and Apple quickly put her clothes back on, before getting up and pulling Raven with her. Oh godmother. Oh godmother. What would Ashlynn say? Would she break their friendship? Tell everyone the truth? Gods, Apple was starting to cry, she was getting so stressed.

Before she knew it, just as Ashlynn was about to be right in front of them, their hands started glowing, the 24 hour hand curse broken, and within seconds, their hands separated, and Apple shoved Raven hard against the tree, a loud Thwack sound, and Raven was on the ground, on her side, breathless and motionless.

Apple’s POV (in 3rd person, without Raven)

She barely knew what happened as it did, Ashlynn was in front of her, no disgust or anger on her face, merely surprise. Her hands were on her hips, and she made no signs of leaving. She was here to get the truth.

She herself gasped in horror at the blood seeping from Raven’s head into the dirt, and she felt tears trickle down my cheeks as she sobbed over Raven’s chest. Ashlynn barely knew what was going on, but from what she saw before her, she had an idea.

Putting a hand on her best friend forever after’s shoulder, she sighed and looked at Raven on the ground.

“Let’s get her to the infirmary. Then we have to talk.”

When they arrived, got Raven into bed, her head patched and cleaned, all there was, was to wait for the dark-haired princess to awaken. Even though their hands were separated, both of Apple’s hands held Raven’s right. Raven looked so peaceful despite the injury. Godmother... I’m so sorry Raven... It was an accident... Please forgive me.

Ashlynn sat next to Apple, and after a few minutes of silence, she cleared her throat. Time to talk.

“Apple, we have to talk about what happened in the Enchanted Forest. I’m not mad, really. I won’t tell anyone. But I need you to tell me what’s going on. Please.” Ashlynn begged, putting her hand on Apple’s shoulder once more. Then Apple finally spoke.

“Raven and I are in love.”

Ashlynn stared emotionless at Apple, then at Raven.

The slight tinge on Raven’s cheeks, the way their hands fit so perfectly together, the look of love Apple showed while staring at Raven, how they always seemed to be holding hands and cuddling and clinging to each other’s arms... there was more about and between them, but it was quite obvious if anyone looked hard enough.

“Okay Apple. I support you, I really do, but... I want to talk about... what happened in the Enchanted Forest.”

Ashlynn sounded like a guidance counselor of some kind. It was kinda weird.

Upon hearing the Enchanted Forest, Apple blushed hard and squeezed Raven’s hand a little, then took a deep breath.

“I... we...” She felt tears in her eyes, and she released Raven’s hand a little.

“She’d finally told Dexter to leave her alone, that she didn’t want him in love with her anymore... it would be the first step to our happiness...” Apple whispered, sniffling a little. Ashlynn stayed quiet, letting her continue.

“We went into the Enchanted Forest to be alone... We wanted to celebrate a little. I... I sat on her lap... all I could think about was...”

“Was what?”

“...was wanting to be with this girl forever. I was so... so in love with her. I was overflowing with love, and...” By this time, she was just an inch away from breaking down and sobbing.

“All I wanted to do... was become one with Raven... to... to make love to Raven.” Apple covered her mouth with one of her hands, whispering her words, trying desperately to hold back her sobs. 

“I wanted nothing more than for Raven to touch me and hold me... but...”

That but was the hardest thing she probably ever had to say, because what happened next didn’t make it any better.

“I think this incident was a sign.”

Ashlynn was dead quiet, concern on her face as she witnessed what she thought would be the death of Apple’s first real relationship, even if it never publicized.

Apple took some tissues in her hand, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose, before standing up from her spot. As she rose, she pulled her hand away from Raven’s, and Ashlynn’s eyes widened a little as she swore she saw Raven’s hand and fingers cling to Apple’s, trying to keep her from going, holding onto her and treasuring that last second her hand had contact with Apple’s. 

Within seconds of Apple standing, Raven and Apple’s hands separated, and a cold wave flew through the air, making only Ashlynn shiver. She shivered not only from the cold, but from fear. She might not be magical or be able to tell the future, but she knew something was terribly wrong. Something horrible would happen soon.

But before she could say anything, Apple White was gone. And the infirmary only got colder. Not icy cold. Heartbreak cold.

Two days later, with only a few visits from Cupid and Maddie, Raven finally awoke. 

“Raven! I’m so glad you’re awake!” Maddie squealed, hugging her dizzy BFFA. Cupid was there because of the past mess, and also she had decided to try and help Raven through the pain, from being out cold, and the even worse pain and heartbreak she was about to receive. Cupid knew what was coming. Maddie played innocent, just wanting to make Raven happy and feel better. She was always be happy for Raven. The poor dark princess needed a smiling face nearby when she was at her worst. Raven had just one question. A bad and horrible question.

“Where is Apple?”

Raven ran from the infirmary to the castleteria, not caring how far it was, ignoring all the teachers who might have yelled at her, she didn’t care. She had to see Apple. Why wasn’t she there for when Raven woke up?

Raven arrived to the castleteria, standing in the entrance out of breath, searching frantically until she found who she was looking for.

“Apple!” Raven cried, seeing her sitting a ways away, and upon the name call, Briar stood up in her place while Ashlynn sat next to her and kept a comfortable arm on her shoulders.

Raven walked up to Briar, Apple and Ashlynn, and although she couldn’t see it, Apple’s shoulders tensed more the closer Raven got, which Ashlynn tried rubbing them for her.

“She doesn’t want to talk to you.” Briar snapped at her. Raven was totally confused, and tried to look around Briar, but was stepped in front of. Huh?

“Apple, Apple I’m awake! Please talk to me.” Raven called, but Briar was blocking her off every way possible.

“She doesn’t want to talk to you, Raven.” Briar growled, crossing her arms. Apple was trying to hide herself in her bowl of whatever. What was going on?

“Apple? C’mon...” Raven whined, stepping back. “Apple, please... what’s going on?”

Briar glared at Raven, blocking her again. “She doesn’t want to see you anymore. 

Raven froze, confused and sad, like a puppy being thrown away after becoming emotionally attached, and out of nowhere, Maddie came and pulled Raven away, coaxing her to leave. Raven felt tears stain her eyes, and her hand reached out as she walked backwards.

“Apple, please... what’d I do? What did I do wrong? Apple! Please! I didn’t do anything wrong!” She cried, and Maddie dragged her away.

That was the last time they sort of talked. Apple never said a word to Raven since then, Maddie accompanied Raven everywhere like a bodyguard during the day. She didn’t realize it, but the longer the heartbreaking silence went on, the worse Raven got, and the harder it was to stay by Raven’s side.

Every time the girls passed each other in the halls, Raven would grow more depressed, and Apple was surrounded by her plenty of her friends, to keep her busy, hidden, and distracted. As far as her friends knew, Apple had told them that Raven had done something really mean and twisted, and had hurt Apple badly, so now she had an army of people keeping her away from Raven. She’d moved her stuff out and was “camping” with Briar and Ashlynn. Raven lived in her dorm room alone. Where Apple’s stuff used to be, Nevermore could live with Raven, full size even, but despite the big and warm and loving dragon, it wasn’t enough to mend the deep wound within Raven’s heart. 

A week passed, Apple was getting along okay. Her smile had come back, just a little bit. Some friends gave her space since she seemed to be healing, and she was comfortable living with her best friends.

As for Raven...

She was skipping all her classes, wandering the halls with a medium-sized Nevermore by her side like a service animal, and anyone who had a problem with it met with Nevermore’s snarling teeth. If anyone even had the slightest chance of looking, Raven’s eyes were dull, sad, her heart had been kicked, and she was practically mourning. Mourning for the death of her happiness. 

Nevermore wasn’t as sad, merely sad and worried, and she always whimpered a little, but relaxed when her head was pet by her owner. Nobody had directly talked to Raven in a while, even Maddie couldn’t contact her friend.

Before she knew it, she was unconsciously going back to that place, Nevermore close behind her. She reached the clearing with the large tree, and the spot where she’d lay, and Apple on top of her.

Raven fell to her knees, her emotions coming back to her, as she sobbed into her hands, Nevermore whimpering and curling around behind her.

After a few minutes of crying, Raven took off her one and only bracelet thing, and turned to Nevermore, handing it to her. 

“Give this to Maddie.” Raven whispered, then took off her spiky crown/headband thing and gave it to her also. “Give this to Apple. Tell her I’m sorry.” Then once she was sure Nevermore had the things, she sent the dragon away to do the tasks. When she was completely and only all alone, she cried to herself a little more, before she came to a horrible decision. She couldn’t live like this. Living with this darkness and heartbreak and torture. Apple abandoned her for no reason, broke her heart over and over again.

Raven slowly stood up, put her hands together, and magically conjured up exactly what her story was about. A shiny big red apple. Exactly the point of her role. She walked over to where she once sat, and sat there again as she felt the familiar warm wet feeling on her pale face.

She sat in the hollowed groove of the tree, and stared at the heart with her and Apple’s name in the middle. She let the tears drip down her chin and onto her dusty dress. Then she took a big bite of the apple, chewing the chunk in her mouth and wincing at the taste. As soon as she swallowed, she clenched her right fist, before slumping to the ground, the apple rolling from her left hand to sit some distance away, before shrinking to be all rotten and dark.

Raven Queen had poisoned herself. She knew she didn’t have a Prince Charming to wake her up. She’d set herself up. The only way to put her poor broken-heart at ease.

Raven Queen, alone and asleep, in a place once deemed of True Love.

All thanks to the actions of the twisted Apple White.

[heresmybrokenhallelujah]

TW for describing past self-harm in therapy. Be safe, friends. 

EMDR was weird yesterday. We were talking about powerlessness and somehow it came up, a word I wrote years ago. Child. She wanted me to say exactly what I did but the words were caught in my throat and it came out in bits and pieces. It’s hard to even say here. I ______ the word _____ into my ____. I felt overcome by shame, which was something I wasn’t prepared for, as I’ve talked pretty openly with friends, therapists, and my husband about self harm in the past. 

This was different. It was secret shame. Shame that I’d buried the day I told Mom I needed help. We only ever spoke about it that one time and she initially refused to believe me, followed by anger when I admitted it had been going on for 6 years by then.

My therapist and I talked briefly about how I stayed in bed until Mom left for work in the afternoons. She referenced our last session when I apparently said there wasn’t room for me. Mom did everything, said everything. Knew me and my experiences better than I did. 

It didn’t make sense. I was home alone most of the day since I’d switched to cyber school. My parents worked. It wasn’t like someone was breathing down my neck when I hurt myself. It was just me. 

“They don’t have to be there to control you,” I felt gross for talking about it. My parents loved me.  

“Do you remember the first time your hurt yourself?” my therapist asked.

“Yes, but I don’t remember why,” I let several seconds go by, “It was with a thumb tack.” She didn’t ask for details but they bombarded my mind’s eye. It was all I could see. 

With the next round of tones in the headphones I kept thinking, “Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.” When I told her this, she asked who was saying it. Was it me? No. 

One of the last days of summer before 8th grade we spent at the park near his house with a group of friends. By late afternoon the others had left, and it was just the two of us. We finished up a board game under the pavilion and were talking as we usually did. It was a perfect day with my very best friend. 

But I was holding a secret, and it was getting heavier the longer I held on. I didn’t recognize that I was being swallowed but I knew something was growing and felt that if I didn’t tell someone, I’d collapse under the weight. Something was wrong, something was wrong but I didn’t know what it was or how to say it. Up to this point I had kept my mouth shut. It had been going on for just under a year.

He was a soft place, safe. A reprieve from the heaviness at home. Somewhere to go to be lifted up. We laughed together often and shared a lot of fun. He quickly became a part of our family and we went on many adventures. Trips to see musicals, museums, beaches, NYC. We even made bad art for each other. His friendship was encouraging, pushing me to grow but accepting of who I as along the way. I felt comfortable and free to be myself, my clumsy 13 year-old-self. 

The conversation took a quiet turn, suddenly somber. Mom would be there soon to pick me up but we still had time to kill. It seemed like a good time. I took a breath, “I need to tell you something.” “Okay?” His tone was inviting and warm. Whatever I needed to say could be said without worry.

“I lied the other day when you asked me if I was hurting myself.” We had been talking about it after a student turned in a list of names of all the known “cutters” into the guidance counselor. I knew I could trust him though. 

In one exhale I had given him a piece of me. Holding it he looked me in the eye and said my name. It was safe in his mouth. And then he declared, “That’s stupid.” My heart sank and my face felt prickly and pale. Crushed, I wanted my secret back. 

Now it’s been years and we’ve long since become strangers, and we were children then, but his words have bonded to my bones. Critical, shaming, condemning. I took his words and held on, my illness morphing them into my own. The birth of my negative self-talk.

It wasn’t his fault. It would have come about regardless and it was already rising. Hearing it from someone else confirmed the things I was already beginning to believe. I don’t hold it against him. It’s more than kids know how to handle, and I put him in that position by opening up. We all say and do thoughtless things and the Lord knows I hurt him over the years, too. But, boy, his words were a fiery dart.

Back in my therapist’s office, I must have sounded dramatic. Kids don’t feel that deeply, or maybe the memory of that day had been somehow romanticized and retelling it sounded fake. Or, I hadn’t explained our relationship enough for her to take it seriously. Who could take me seriously?

Idk. I just felt stupid.

I kept minimizing the experience. I shouldn’t be thinking about it anymore. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Move on, for goodness sake! But it hurt.

Today I don’t feel much better. It sounds pathetic and if I could go back and snatch the words from the air before they reached her ears, I would. I want to sink into the couch, melt into the floor. Uuuugh do I have to go back?

Next session isn’t for 3 weeks because she’s booked. But I’ll have to remember to ask her where the line is between parenting and control/enmeshment. Parents are supposed to have a lot of input, right? Otherwise they aren’t parenting? 

[offtheisland]

So You Want to Be a CBYX-er?

Hallo!

Since the last post, much has happened: there were a lot of end-of-the-school-year things to get done, I had my senior prom (which was so much fun), and I graduated! I’m officially done with high school! Well, American high school. 

↑ That’s me in the extremely flattering cap and gown.

It is strange to think that these “all-important” four years of my life are finished. I’m very happy to be done, don’t get me wrong–it was a lot of hard work getting into college and CBYX–but there are some bittersweet feelings as well. I’ve made so many amazing friends and tried so many new things that I’ve learned to love, and now it is all over, and all of us are heading our separate ways. It is inevitable that we will lose some of the close contact we’ve had with each other the past four years: we simply will not be able to see each other all the time anymore, and that is a huge factor in terms of how close one’s relationship is with another. This I know, but what I do not yet know is what “separate ways” means. My hope is that we stay in contact as best as possible (social media is pretty amazing that way) and each make a conscious effort to get together when we’re all back “on the Island”, or you know, wherever.

Anyway.

Since summer vacations are in full swing, my very flawed expert judgement decided that it was an ideal time to make a post about the CBYX application process (which involves lots of writing, forms, and other stressful things we try to escape from during summer) for future wannabe CBYX-ers.

Disclaimer: If you are not interested in applying for the CBYX scholarship, you can stop reading now. This is going to be a long post about things that are in no way relevant to you. Additionally, if you are interested in applying to CBYX, know that I applied through AFS in the Northeast region, so if you are going through another organization, this could all be different for you.

Now, where to begin? It all started for me with the CBYX website, which is linked multiple places on the desktop version of this webpage and will also now be linked here.

After reading the website and deciding that I wanted to apply, the next step was actually filling out the application. This was all done online through a portal that I set up after providing my email address. The application process was very long: my best advice is to get started as soon as the application comes out, which is early fall. My initial application (before I was selected as a semifinalist) was due December 12th, so I had a little over two months to send it in. I sent it in around a week before the due date so if there were any problems, there was time to fix them. Could I have done it in less time? Probably, if that was all I had concentrated on, but I had college applications, all of my schoolwork, and cross country practice every day after school simultaneously. So it took me a while.

Below is a list of all the information I needed to complete my application, including when I was selected as a semifinalist. (I can’t remember which parts were required for the initial application, sorry!) I filled out a good part of this information on forms that were provided on the portal.

your basic information, along with that of your immediate family

a photo of you (I used my senior portrait)

a report of all of the high school classes you have taken and your final grades in each, along with an official signed/stamped copy of your transcript (ask your guidance counselor)

a signed statement from your guidance counselor saying you meet the minimum GPA requirement

a list of all the activities you have participated in during your high school career as well as any awards you have received (just like on college applications, there is limited space in this section!)

medical information form signed by your physician that clears you to go abroad and a form stating all of the immunizations you’ve had

a media release form that asks if AFS/CBYX is allowed to contact a local newspaper if you are selected

a survey asking you about dietary restrictions and your preferences for your home environment (do you want siblings, pets, non-smoking, etc.)

a signed agreement from you and your parents saying that you will abide by all of the rules while abroad

a scan of your passport

a form stating that you agree to accept whatever credit your American school will give you for German schoolwork upon your return (this really did not apply to me, since I was a senior)

recommendation letters from two of your teachers: these are SUPER important! Make sure that you give them the information about how to submit their recommendations as early as possible, and I would also advise emailing AFS after your teachers tell you they submitted their recommendations, because there is no way to check if they went through or not otherwise. Pick teachers you know well and who will be honest when writing about you, even if they might not have been your favorite (or you, theirs). If it seems like I’m really overdoing it on how important these recommendations are, I’m not. They are SO important! Treat them with care.

a letter to your host family: This is basically your first impression to your host family, and we all know how important those are! My advice is to use relatively simple language and to try and show different aspects of your life in the US. I talked about my family, my friends and what we like to do, what I do in school and during my down time, and what I am looking forward to in Germany. Also, be sure to thank them for welcoming you into their home!

six short essays: these could be no more than 250 words. My questions were as follows, but there can be variation from year to year.

Choose one of the activities you listed in the "Activities, Awards, and Interests" section of the application and describe your participation in depth. What difference has it made in your life and in the lives of others?

In the 21st Century, the United States is home to many different types of family structures. Please describe your immediate family, noting its unique or traditional elements. How do you contribute to your family's dynamics?

What would you like to share with your German host school peers about the United States? Imagine that you only have time to share three things about the United States. What would they be, and why? Be specific.

Describe a non-academic conflict that you've encountered with friends or family in the past two years. Please explain specifically how you dealt with this challenge.

It is natural for exchange students to feel homesick during a year away from friends, family, and school activities. Reflect for a moment on what it will be like to live as a member of a family in Germany. What problems or challenges other than language might you expect to encounter and how might you deal with them?

What appeals to you and your personality about the CBYX program? Tell us why you would like to be a part of the scholarship and how you will contribute to its mission.

After submitting my initial application, I was notified via email that I was a semifinalist, which I was so happy about! As a semifinalist, I had to go into New York City for the day for an information session, interview, and group activity. 

There were about eight applicants and their parents (some brought both, some brought one) in the room with a CBYX alumna who answered questions and spoke about her experience while one by one the applicants were called in for their interviews. The interview was truthfully not that bad, but it definitely helped that I had done an interview in school for National Honor Society as well as multiple college interviews by that point. I was in a room with three women, who asked questions that mostly revolved around sticky situations that could arise and how you would handle them. There was also a chance for me to ask questions during the interview. 

After everyone had gone in for their interview, we had a group task/activity. All of the applicants were asked to collaborate to build a tower out of materials like plastic cups, paper, pipe cleaners, popsicle sticks, tape, etc. Points were awarded to the group for height, stability, and decoration. We had fifteen minutes to build the tower, and the catch was that we weren’t allowed to speak English while building it! We mainly got by on gestures and motions, and it worked out pretty well. After we finished, they asked us about how this experience could be a metaphor for experiences we might have in Germany, and that was the conclusion of the day. 

Whew! That’s pretty much everything I can think of to write about the application process! If you have any questions, shoot me a message here, I’d be happy to help you with your application!

Thanks for reading! Tschüss!

[summahsunlight]

This Way Became My Journey, CH. 15

Two weeks after Voyager is taken from the Alpha Quadrant...

Tom Paris stumbled on his way out of the holodeck thanks to a horribly placed vending cart in Rome circa 1920. Things hadn't gone according to plan, hell they never seemed to go according to plan for him. Perhaps he should have told Harry the truth from the beginning, but Harry wouldn't have ventured down to the holodeck if he had told him the truth. So he had told a little white lie, what was the harm in that?

Apparently a lot because Harry was stalking off down the corridor to the turbolift. "Harry, wait up!"

Harry Kim shook his head. "No way, Tom. "

"Aw, come on Harry, I've been smoothing out the details for this date for days now! You can't leave me in the dust like this!"

"Oh yes I can," Harry snapped, pressing the button to call for the lift.

Tom caught up with him as the lift opened and pressed the button to send it on its way before Harry could step inside. His friend turned to glare at him. "It's the Delaney sisters, Harry, they come as a package. It's a double date or no date, Harry."

"I never agreed to a date of any kind."

"Sure you did," Tom replied. "Last night."

A blank expression passed over Harry's face. He couldn't recall ever have such a conversation. Of course, he was so tired last night he probably would have agreed to jumping out of an airlock. "I never agreed to any date last night. We ate dinner with Lieutenant Barrett, who told me to enjoy some recreational time while she was away to quell my homesickness. There was never anything about a date in that conversation Tom."

Tom grinned mercelessly. "Well, dates are recreational. You're following counselor's orders."

"She didn't order me. She suggested recreational activities," Harry fumed. "Why am I arguing with you on this? I have a girlfriend back home, I don't need to go on any dates."

"Harry, Harry, Harry, you honestly think she's going to wait for you?"

"Yes!" He exclaimed quickly.

"That's rather selfish of you, don't you think?"

"Look who's telling me about being selfish," Harry hissed. "It was rather selfish of you to think I'd go on this date so you can get with Meghan Delaney."

Tom shrugged his shoulders. "Alright, it was rather selfish of me, but you are my best friend Harry, who else would I ask to go on a double date with me?" He looked innocently at his friend. Harry rolled his eyes doing his best imitation of Sarah Barrett when Tom got this way. "Can I help it if I thought I was helping my best friend out?"

Harry grunted. "Helping me out with what?"

"Moving on!"

"Tom, we've only been out here two weeks, you think Libby's moved on that quickly?"

"Well of course not," Tom retorted, "but she's going to, eventually, Harry. You know it."

He did know it but he didn't want to acknowledge it. He wasn't ready to accept that Libby was going to move on without him, that she was going to think that he was dead. It seemed rather unfair to be so far away from home and going out on a double date with Tom when Libby was probably grieving for his loss back on Earth. Why should he be happy when he knew that his loved ones were not? Tom on the other hand didn't have this dilemma. He could care less about his family and had no girlfriend back home. Girlfriends just weren't Tom Paris' style. Harry wondered how long the chase of the Delaney sister's was going to last. He opened his mouth to speak, but no word came out.

Tom grabbed him by the arm. "Now come on, they're waiting for us and I only have forty five minutes left of holodeck time saved up."

Harry allowed Tom to pull him all the way back to holodeck, the whole time awestruck that he had every intent on not going back there but Paris found some way to drag him along. Every time, he thought as they entered the holodeck, he gets me every time with the moving on and selfish of me to think she'll wait bit. But even as he was dragged towards the candlelit table, with a very smiling Jenny Delaney, he wondered just how much trouble Tom had really gotten him into. It's going to be a long night.

The constant thrumming of the engines was soothing to him as the tiny shuttlecraft cruised along to the home world of the Karvaians. Voyager had made first contact with one of their scout ships two days before and the Captain wanted to immediately send out a diplomatic party to speak with them. The first officer had been given the mission, taken a shuttle, and departed from Voyager. Chakotay had always found that piloting a ship manually was a good source of therapy and relaxation, better than sitting in a chair and talking to a psychologist for hours on end. Maybe that was why he was having trouble getting to know Sarah Barrett.

It wasn't that he didn't like her; she was a bright young woman with a strong personality. However, she was a psychologist and whenever he opened his mouth to speak he wondered if she was taking silent notes about his mental state. It was this reason, that he was uncomfortable around her, that he believed Captain Janeway had sent them on the mission together. She was hoping that the time alone would help them work up a little bit of a rapport aside from the first officer/counselor relationship. Well, it was proving to be hard to do just that since Barrett was barely speaking to him. She had helped him with preflight and everything else that Starfleet protocol demanded of her, but once they were well on their way she had barricaded her self so to speak in the aft cabin of the shuttle, reading over PADDs.

Her eyes were narrowed, reading over the material vigorously, as if she felt that she didn't have enough time to read through it all. He recalled her concern for Neelix not being allowed on this mission, but Janeway had not felt comfortable allowing the Talaxian on another away mission just yet, not after what had happened on Ocampa with Neelix deceiving them to help rescue Kes. So, instead, Sarah had been handed stacks of PADDs on the data that Neelix had on the Karvaians right before they left.

He had been trying to get her to talk about what she was working on, to break the ice, but she had responded coldly that once she had a better grasp on Karvarian culture she would let him know, and the discussion had ended there.

But despite the lack of communication on this trip, he could see why Janeway liked the young woman so much. She could switch from hard and calculating, to soft and caring when the situation presented itself. And, he admitted, she had a wry sense of humor. But other than her personality, he didn't know much about her, except what her service record had indicated, and even then that didn't go into depth. He did know that she had a dark past, one that she was trying to turn her life around from. Like so many other people on this journey, he thought with sudden realization, as he made a course correction.

He had also tried asking her about her time at the Academy, perhaps make a connection between the two of them there. She had remarked, perhaps another time.

Looking at his panel he concluded that had been over two hours ago, just after they had cleared Voyager and been on their way to Karva. They would be reaching the planet in about thirty minutes. "Captain Janeway tells me you were a part of a team that studied the Borg," he spoke up, hoping to get something from her. It seemed that if they didn't have the integration of the Maquis into Voyager's crew to talk about, then they had nothing to talk about. And he didn't know why, but that bothered him.

"I was the head psychologist on a research vessel that composed of some of Starfleet's top engineers, science officers, and doctors," came her subdued reply. "Our mission was to collect as much information about the Borg as we could, such as their psyche and their technology and bring it back to Starfleet in the hopes that a better defense against the Borg could be made and spare us from another disaster like Wolf 359."

"Really? What made you want to study the Borg?" Chakotay asked her, brown eyes peering up for only a few seconds. "They aren't exactly the warmest species in the galaxy to be hanging around with."

"My mother was killed at Wolf 359," Barrett replied, a bit of pain etched in her voice. "I guess I wanted to justify the reason they had killed her."

Her answer had deadpanned the conversation, just when he felt like he was getting somewhere with her. The console blared suddenly and the ship lurched to the left. Perplexed, Chakotay corrected their course thinking that they had run into some form of spatial distortion; another blare and an even more violent lurch.

"A ship just appeared off of our port nacelle. They're firing on us," Barrett announced. She had jumped up from her seat in the aft cabin and into the one besides Chakotay. Her fingers were running over the console. "I don't understand why sensors didn't pick them up coming in!"

"I've never seen this type of ship before, it's not Karvaian," Chakotay said. "I'm going to try out running them. Try hailing them on all frequencies."

"No response," Sarah replied as the shuttle was hit again, this time causing sparks to emit from the conduits.

The shuttle craft in reality was no match for the alien ship. The readings were showing them that they were up against a ship that had vast technological advances, superior to their own, but perhaps, if they could get in communications range of Karva, their new friends could assist them. But with the next hit, the port nacelle caught fire, sending the shuttle into a downward spiral. Chakotay tried to right the shuttle with the only engine he had, as smoke filled the cabin. Barrett was screaming that the aliens were trying to take out their engines, causing the hull to breach around the nacelle, in affect, ripping it off the tiny ship. They were hurtling towards the surface of a small planetoid.

"Can we land?" Chakotay asked her.

"Land?" Barrett repeated. "We're going to crash before we do that!"

"Is the atmosphere compatible for us?"

"It's a Class L atmosphere," Barrett replied, sapphire eyes roaming the readings the computer was giving her. "The surface consists mostly of mountains and rock, not a lot of water; high concentrations of carbon dioxide. Can we survive down there? Yes, but that's only if we survive the crash first."

Chakotay shook his head, looking at the controls determinedly. "We're not going to crash."

Sarah looked up him skeptically. "How can you say that?" Her body lurched about violently as the tiny ship entered the atmosphere. "We only have one engine and those aliens are doing everything they can to take the other one out! Commander, if we hit the rock at this speed it will tear the ship apart and us with it!"

"Not if I can help it!"

"Commander! Even if we survive the crash or landing as you put it, we don't know if those aliens will come after us," Barrett pointed out. They had only been in this part of space for a couple of weeks, but already they had learned that most of the species in this quadrant weren't friendly, the Kazon, for example, were not to be trifled with and they hadn't gotten off on the best of terms with them.

"We're going to make it look like we've been destroyed. On my command I want you to vent the plasma," Chakotay instructed her, eyes running over his console, trying to find a good place to put the shuttle down. They were coming in fast towards a very rocky region. It was not going to be a smooth landing. "Hang on!" he cried out as the aliens fired across their bow. Sparks emitted from the aft cabin and he could see Barrett gripping the console, however she held a calm expression. No doubt it was something that she had learned while studying the Borg. Who knew that experience was going to come in handy now?

"Chakotay, we're going in too fast," the Counselor rasped out, anxiously.

"Unidentified ship, surrender."

Chakotay slapped at the comline. He didn't want to hear them implore surrender. They weren't out of tricks just yet. If they were lucky the alien ship wouldn't follow them into the atmosphere. The shuttle began to quake violently as it entered the upper atmosphere. "Vent the plasma, Sarah, and target phasers on it. Fire when I tell you too."

"But that would ignite the plasma," Sarah said, even as she followed through with his orders.

"I know, I want them to believe that we've burnt up in the atmosphere."

"I hope you know what you're doing," Sarah replied.

Me too, Chakotay thought as the shuttle hurtled faster and faster towards the surface. "Fire now!"

Phasers burst forth from the shuttle craft, igniting the plasma into a fireball behind them. The alien ship backed off, whether or not they believed that the shuttle had indeed exploded and were avoiding exploding themselves, the two officers couldn't be sure. They had other problems. Chakotay noticed on his fading sensors that the alien ship was reversing course. For the time being the threat had been eliminated, but now they were spiraling out of control towards a rocky planet. "Dispatch an automated distress signal to Voyager!"

Sarah moved about so she could record a message and send it to Voyager. It was brief, seeing how they didn't have much time before the ship hit the surface, but she hoped that it was effective. Turning back towards the Commander she only had a few moments to grip the console as he cried out to brace for impact.

Despite Chakotay's best efforts, and even though he managed to slow the ship's descent, the shuttle hit the rocky soil hard and both officers felt their bodies being thrown about against the panels and controls as the shuttle tore a path through the rock. It swayed back and forth, first the port nacelle was sheared off, and then the starboard nacelle came ripping off as well, exploding in a ball of flame that sent both Chakotay and Sarah flying from their seats as the shuttle slammed into a solid rock wall. In a blinding flash of light, both officers were knocked unconscious, the shuttle coming finally to a stop, crumpled against a mountain side.

He awoke with the taste of blood in his mouth and smoke in his eyes. Chakotay blinked, trying to take in his surroundings. The lights were flickering on and off, the consoles as well, and the memories began to return to his jostled mind. Rising up on to his elbows he peered out the view port. The shuttle was in shambles, but lucky for them, the shields had held long enough to protect them from the fires and explosions of the nacelles. Now, they were rested against a solid bed of rock. It hadn't been his best landing, but at least they had managed to get down in one piece.

They. He suddenly realized that he had no idea where Sarah was. Turning about, which sent a shooting pain up his right leg, he tried to locate her. She was a few feet from him, plasma burns covering a part of her face and hands. There was a huge gash across her cheek and she did not appear to be breathing. Grabbing the emergency medical kit he pulled out the tricorder and ran the hand scanner over her body. She was breathing and alive, but she had not faired as well as he had when it came to the crash landing.

She had several broken ribs, one had punctured a lung. The burns on her face and hands were second degree plasma burns that he could easily treat with a deremial regenerator, but that was the least of his concerns, she had suffered massive internal bleeding as well. If Voyager did not find them and find them soon, the young woman was going to die. Her eyes opened then and she looked at him, confused.

"We made it?"

"We made it," Chakotay replied, helping her sit up slightly. She winced in pain. "You were injured in the crash."

"How bad?" Sarah asked, trying to grit her teeth and bear the pain.

"Nothing too serious," he lied to her, reaching in the medical kit for a hypospray.

"You're a terrible liar; didn't they teach how to lie with the Maquis?"

He laughed, giving her a warm smile. "Should have known I couldn't fool you," he whispered, pressing the hypospray to her neck. "Here this will help with the pain. I'm afraid that's all I can do for now, besides treat your burns. You need surgery."

She nodded her head as the pain began to dull. "What about Voyager?"

Chakotay shook his head. "I'm not sure our message was received and I'm not sure I can send another one. It looks like our systems took heavy damage." He wiped some sweat from his brow and glanced around the cabin. He wasn't sure how they were going to get out of this one. Pulling himself up to his feet he moved towards the communication panel and saw that it was burnt out, probably where Sarah had received the burns from. So much for trying to send another message out to Voyager; he realized that even if he were able to get another message out, the aliens that had attacked them may pick the transmission up and come back to finish them off. Then they'd be in more trouble then they were now.

It was best to try and survive on this planet and wait for Voyager to find them. Glancing at Sarah he wondered how much time she could hold out. He wasn't a doctor, knew some basic first aid, but even he knew that she didn't have time on her side. One thing was for sure, they were going to need something to keep them warm and water. They had enough emergency rations to last them a few days, but a quick glance at the systems told him that the replicator was down and so weren't environmental controls. Once they lost the sunlight, it was going to get cold in that tiny shuttle. He grabbed a tricorder and a phaser. "I'm going to go look for water and something to start a fire with."

"You really think we'll be here that long?"

"There's no telling how long we'll be here," Chakotay responded, opening the hatch. Before he left he turned about and offered her a smile. "Don't go anywhere while I'm away."

A small, pain filled smile spread across her face. "Don't worry, Commander, I won't."

[roughmagicblog-blog]

Let The Air In

by Sydney Gayle Amanuel

Northern California looked like fall but it was August. Their draught was and still is, really bad. I remember thinking, ‘The planet is dying and our solution is to give it a slow death.’ I lived in NY but I was teaching at Berkeley for the summer. My boyfriend, who lived in Boston at the time, was on a tour with his band down the East Coast. We were at almost perfect ends of the United States, Northern Cali and South Florida, when I called him and told him I was pregnant. We'd been dating for almost a year.

We have what most consider a good, solid relationship; we are open and honest in our communication, we like to be around each other, he's seen me poop and vomit, all the basics. We talk about everything from politics to pop culture and like to debate with one another, so we’ve already discussed our stances on women's rights long ago. We agree that a woman has the right to decide what's best for herself, her life, and her body.

It was comforting to know that conversation already happened and there wasn’t some “hills like white elephants” situation in the room that we had to step over, but it was still hard to tell him knowing what came next: my personal choice to have an abortion.

I'm very close with my mom, so I was able to talk to her about my pregnancy and my plan to have an abortion. My best friend and roommate was an activist and grass rooter for planned parenthood and knew more than I did. I definitely did spend my time around like-minded people, but to have my mother, best friend, and my partner support me immediately, no questions asked, was more than relief, more than luck. I can't imagine the emotional upheaval for girls in less ideal situations. I was surrounded by positivity for my decision, something you don't see or hear about often and something that is more common than you think. Statistics say 1 in 3 women will have an abortion in her lifetime. It was only after I had decided to have mine, that women I knew spoke up and shared their experiences with me. As soon as I got back to New York I called my local Planned Parenthood and made an appointment.

As comforting as it was to have support from friends, the week before the abortion I found myself doing what everyone does, googling. How much does it hurt? How much does it cost? Will I feel physically bad after? Is the bleeding like a period? What method will be used? How long does it take? What are the risks?

It was almost like google was typing back, surprise! Feel ashamed you careless idiot! Every story I read, every personal account of an abortion, was a tale of woe and regret, of guilt and shame over the death of a child. And these weren't even sites with a blatant religious slant, these made up the first full page of my google search, presented as fact. The internet is not really your friend, not in our post-fact world, alternative fact world. You would think with the abundance of fact checking capabilities and resources, we could sift, see past misinformation, but it’s not so easy. Especially if you are alone. If, unlike me, you didn’t have a mom or a best friend to turn to and say things out loud, make them real. I wasn't really phased by the stories, I've always been strong in my convictions and I've never sat on the fence about a woman's right to choose, but I was stunned at the amount of forums screaming, "Don't do it."

After hours of clicks and scrolls I found myself deep in Youtube looking at abortion photos week by week up until stillbirths. *Not for the faint of heart* If you don’t like blood, don’t look. But for me, it was helpful and kind of amazing. I felt like I was rediscovering my vagina in a way. I remembered when I learned women can masturbate just like men do and orgasm too—I felt tricked. The woman is taboo, and everyone wants to talk about us, just not truthfully and not with us in the room. I closed my laptop.

The day of my procedure. I’m about to get down to details here, feel free to turn back, I’m not censoring anything so, content warning folks.

My roommate went with me to the clinic—turned out guests couldn’t really go further than the front door, they had a whole separate waiting room on the bottom floor. I sat in the designated patients waiting room, staring at glossy pamphlets, wondering if the girl across from me was also here for an abortion. I looked around trying to nonverbally communicate and tell her, “It's okay, I’m scared too.” I didn't know this at the time, but Planned Parenthood not only provides many services for women’s health, but also they have their own staff dedicated to insurance as well as counselors to talk to. Planned Parenthood didn't take my insurance, so they lead me to their insurance floor where I sat and talked with an agent. She explained that through the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), I would be covered for my abortion as well as a new birth control method. I asked what the co-pay was or what she guesstimated the bill to be. She told me I was completely covered, I wouldn't owe anything, that's what the ACA is for. It helps people—that's what it does.

After the insurance was settled, I was called to have a quick checkup and ultrasound. Then they sent me to meet with a counselor who looked a lot like a girl I used to do a radio talk show with in college. I didn't know meeting a counselor was mandatory and I felt uncomfortable, afraid she was going to talk me out of getting the abortion or make me feel the shame the internet implied I should feel. When she asked, “What brings you here today?" I think I may have just said "Abortion." I was so confused and anxious. She nodded and we started to discuss birth control. I wanted to explain: I’m not careless or uneducated, I taught sex-ed to middle and high schoolers, my mom supported me, I use condoms, I’m in a healthy relationship, I’m normal. I wanted to be told that an abortion was normal. She eased me through any questions I had or topics I wanted to discuss. I asked if I could see the sonogram they took of me. She told me I was six weeks along and there, in the shaded grey was a barely visible white dot on my black open uterus. A sack of cells. I kind of wanted to keep the picture, but then thought she might think that was weird, and I realized, yeah that is weird, so I didn't ask. We decided on a new form of birth control together. I had been on the pill since I was 15, I had no choice at the time. I had ovarian cysts and had to regulate myself before they got any worse, but didn't like the negative hormonal effects from the pill. I had mood swings, weight gain, acne, and I never remembered to take it which made me sick and reduced its effectiveness. AKA I had an ineffective form of birth control, which is why I got pregnant. I decided to have an IUD which, she told me, could be put in right after the abortion. No one I knew had an IUD, even my Gyno never mentioned it. But its description was like a light at the end of the tunnel I was walking down again, my taboo female body had been left in the dark.

When it comes to an abortion, there are two options: a surgical abortion or a medical abortion. Surgical abortions take place in a hospital or center, while medical abortions are induced by pills you can take at home. If you have the surgical abortion, you have the choice to be put to sleep or stay awake.

I wanted to have the surgical. I wanted to stay awake. I wanted to fully understand the procedure, be present and remember everything. If I chose to be put to sleep, would I remember anything? Or would it feel like those waking dreams, the ones you can’t discern from reality, and leave you only feeling sad when you wake up. Wishing you could go back in and feel it, even if it was bad. I wanted to know, so I could tell my friends, any woman, that her choice is her choice and it's okay.

In my hospital gown, with blue booties on my feet, I sat in a semicircle of chairs. Other girls also had gowns and booties on, we were all the same. Sitting.

I was given a small white paper cup containing two tylenol pills.

I laid on a white table in a small white room. There were three women in the room, a doctor, her assistant and myself. The doctor explained the numbing solution she was going to put on my cervix can make a person’s lips numb too, like novocaine. I laid back, she numbed me, and kept talking, explaining the next steps. The numbing stuff actually made me lose hearing, quite quickly. The doctor had been talking to me in a calm, slow voice and suddenly a ringing started that got higher in pitch until my ears felt like they were underwater while also on an airplane. I tried to talk, to tell her I couldn’t hear, but I realized I couldn't form the words. So I just sort of grunted to let her know I was okay. She turned on a large machine next to the table I laid on. It looked like a vacuum—it basically was. The machine made a loud sucking and groaning noise which I could hear clearly. This was when the pain started. Special absorbent rods were then used to dilate my cervix. I assumed it was similar to induced labor—your insides sort of start pushing and pumping and it is very, very painful. Women: imagine your worst period cramps x20 and also giving birth all at once. The machine pulled and sucked up the blood as it was being pushed out and my body worked in overdrive to assist the process. This lasted for maybe 10 minutes, but it felt like 30. The whole time I held my hands clasped together, pressed hard into my chest and stared at a florescent light above me. Its plastic covering was painted to look like clouds. I barely remember her putting in the IUD. When the doctor turned the machine off, everything happened fast. They sat me up, placed a pad between my legs and scooted me into a wheelchair. I involuntarily started crying, but I wasn't sad. I think I was happy, relieved.

I was wheeled to a recovery room and placed in a big comfy chair, pad between my legs and hot compress on my uterus to help with the pain. I was exhausted, but also very concerned with accidentally bleeding through my gown and kept drunkenly patting myself to make sure I wasn't. The doctor put a hand on my shoulder and said “We have to do an ultrasound to make sure we got everything.”

In another room, a nurse pressed the plastic ultrasound probe through the cold gel onto my skin. My uterus felt like a used punching bag. They missed part of the sac and I was told they had to go back in to remove the rest, it would be dangerous to leave it. Once again, I was back in the small white room looking up at the fake painted clouds. Another nurse was in the room this time using the ultrasound while the doctor performed my second abortion so that she could clearly see the remaining sac. When she asked how I was doing, I almost laughed. The nurse smiled and held my hand. She told me I was so brave to do this and that I was doing well.

In less than an hour, I technically had two abortions. They also had to insert, remove, and reinsert my IUD. I was told what happened was very rare, and they usually get everything with no complications. I was also told the blood and sac were dark, meaning the blood was old and had been sitting. This could indicate different things, but most likely I would have had a miscarriage if I didn't have an abortion. After my second abortion I was back in the recovery room again, soon changing back into my clothes and eating crackers they tell you to eat before you snip your bracelet off and sign yourself out.

My roommate and I took the subway back to our apartment and within three days I felt fine with no pain or IUD side effects. A month later I got a letter from Medicaid saying I owed nothing but if I wanted to re-up on my insurance I could join and start a plan. A year later I was working in California again, feeling lucky to be alive. I called my partner and we talked about how different our worlds would have been without my abortion, without my right to choose. Now, two years later, the leader of our nation believes in punishing women who undergo this procedure.

I felt compelled to write about my experience, mostly for girls like me. I wanted to tell those girls, those women, that I did it and I am fine. I did it and I am normal and so are you. I am not ashamed, or embarrassed, nor am I guilty or regretful. I'm not saying my decision was easy, but I knew immediately what my decision would be. When I think to myself that 100 or even 50 years ago this was not an option for women, I feel sick. But the truth is, we haven’t really come that far. Look at us, at our country as a whole at the March for Life, the grab em by the pussys, the repetative rape culture. I can only understand these issues through my experiences being a woman in this country. And I fear for marginalized lives, those not as privileged as I am. I fear for those who are people of color, non-white passing, non-cisgendered, for anyone in the LGBTQ community, for anyone of Islamic faith, and for any woman whose rights will be taken away or compromised.

I had my abortion legally, safely, through Planned Parenthood. I now have an effective form of birth control for the next eight years. Both my abortion and birth control were covered under a health program created to give affordable healthcare to Americans that need it. Planned Parenthood offers healthcare and services to both men and women. They provide STI and STD testing as well as HIV testing. Planned Parenthood helped me—they are there to help. To remove funding for services and centers, to create laws that ban certain procedures, and to shut down care centers nationwide is to tell all women in this country that their reproductive rights and health care is not important. It tells women that you do not support them and will actively regress and erase years of an uphill battle that they alone have climbed. What is most hurtful, most frustrating, is that the people who need to read this message will not take the time to. But to those who have, thank you. I hope we can change things, I hope we don't have to end up always fixing them, again, forever.

Sydney Gayle Amanuel is a Salem-based artist. Check out her amazing work here: http://sydneygayle.com

[junker-town]

Meet the women who run college football recruiting in the South

Almost two dozen women have football recruiting careers in the SEC and ACC alone.

Even in 2017, very few women work in football.

But there is a growing number of women who hold positions inside one of the sport’s most crucial departments: recruiting.

There are currently 22 women who work in recruiting at ACC and SEC schools Alabama, Auburn, Georgia, Georgia Tech, Louisville, LSU, Miami, Mississippi State, NC State, North Carolina, Pitt, South Carolina, Syracuse, Tennessee, Texas A&M, Vanderbilt, Virginia, Virginia Tech, and Wake Forest.

I focused on these two conferences due to the apparent frequency of women in both, compared to the rest of the Power 5 conferences at this time. I found five in the Big 12, one in the Big Ten, and four in the Pac-12 while reviewing staff listings earlier this summer. Women have recruiting jobs in conferences outside of the Power 5, too.

I spoke to five of these women.

Jessica Jackson: Director of on-campus recruiting, South Carolina

Jackson joined South Carolina’s staff when Will Muschamp was hired in December 2015. Along with handling on-campus visits ...

“Any time a recruit comes on campus, it pretty much comes through me,” Jackson said. “I plan out their schedule, who they’re meeting with, what time they’re meeting with who, when they’re going to see Coach Muschamp, when they’re going to see their position coach. I’m the first face they see when they get on campus. I’m the one handing them their name tag.”

... a big part of her job involves eligibility.

“I’m the one who’s talking to their [high school] guidance counselors, talking to their teachers, making sure they’re in the correct classes — so when that time comes, they do qualify — making sure they’re meeting the sliding scale, and all the things like that. Making sure when they sign that sheet of paper on that first Wednesday in February, that we know that they’re gonna qualify.”

“I try to be really involved because I’m not a coach, and I don’t pretend to be a coach, and I don’t call myself a ball coach. I’m basically here to help these young men get into school.”

“A lot of these guys, they come from absolutely nothing. They don’t have anything. For them to be able to come here, especially on official visits when we can cover the cost of things, some have never been on an airplane before, never stayed in a hotel. It’s the littlest things that most people take for granted that most of these kids have never done.” — South Carolina’s Jessica Jackson

Jackson worked at Alabama’s recruiting department as a student assistant for four years and had internships with the SEC and Peach Bowl.

“I learned everything that I know right now from that office,” Jackson said of Alabama. “It’s such a knowledgable place. If you’re even there for a day, you’re going to leave with so much more knowledge and understanding of the business.”

Donielle White: Assistant recruiting coordinator, Vanderbilt

White has been at Vanderbilt for almost 14 months, and her role requires versatility. She’s one of two assistants, handling everything from on-campus recruiting to sorting through prospects and organizing prospects on the offensive board.

“I do everything that involves scheduling,” White said. “Just all of the logistics, getting kids in and out, meeting with professors, non-coaching staff members, academic counselors, strength and conditioning coaches, and then their actual position coaches as well.”

That includes finding other interests prospects have, in order to make their visits as personalized as possible.

“When Coach [Derek] Mason hired me, that was one of the reasons why he brought me in, was because he thought that I could bring in another perspective,” White said. “And at the same time, he demands a level of excellence and professionalism from us, but he also gives me the freedom to be myself and to let the ideas fly.”

Before Vanderbilt, she was a graduate assistant coach for women’s soccer coach at Valdosta State, where she hit the road to recruit players.

“It made for a fairly smooth transition in terms of feeling comfortable talking to recruits,” White said.

Via Vanderbilt Athletics

White (front left) and Cain (front right) with the rest of Vanderbilt’s recruiting staff.

White is also responsible for overseeing Vanderbilt’s recruiting database, which required her to gain a better understanding of coaches’ evaluations of prospects.

“When I needed to input information about recruits into our system,” White said, “I felt like I needed to have an understanding of what our offensive coaches’ evaluations actually meant. So, going to practice every day or asking the guys on staff to show me what it means when a prospect “had good COD” or “bends well” or something as silly as knowing the difference between “long vs. tall” was important to me.”

Annie Hanson: Assistant athletics director for recruiting operations & external affairs, North Carolina

Prior to her recent promotion, she served as the director of on-campus recruiting, a position she held for two years.

“The buy-in as it relates to our coaches is far greater than some of the other places I’ve been,” Hanson said. “Which is really great and exciting because it gives people like me the opportunity to really run with projects.”

Before Chapel Hill, Hanson worked with Oklahoma football’s fundraising department. She had internships with the Jaguars and former Nebraska athletic director Tom Osborne and held positions in Kansas State’s athletic department.

Hanson’s new role involves monitoring the whole athletic department’s recruiting planning.

“This includes researching, collecting, developing, and distributing recruiting best practices.”

Hanson also will be more involved with fundraising and facilities projects, and she’ll still execute on-campus football recruiting, such as Saturday visits, junior days, and other special events.

Andrea Cain: Director of recruiting relations, Vanderbilt

Working for Vanderbilt football has made up the entirety of Cain’s career since the 1990s. One of Cain’s responsibilities is checking hundreds of transcripts to help find players who can meet Vanderbilt’s high academic standards.

“I think that is a balance that we have to do,” Cain said. “But it’s not a challenge because there are enough kids out there that can compete in the classroom and on the field. We just have to find them. And that’s part of the job.”

Just part, though.

“I can go back until back in the ‘90s, of parents that I still keep in touch with,” Cain said of the most rewarding parts. “The relationships are priceless. And with the coaching staffs that have come and gone, I’m still friends with them and their family.”

“Those ladies have been able to find our blind spots at Vanderbilt and make it better,” head coach Mason told me about Cain and White. “As I look at it in 2017, they’ve been the unsung MVP of why that class has pushed forward. I really appreciate who they are and what they do, but again, I think I have to be comfortable letting them do their jobs and do what they do best and really just trying to put the resources in front of them for them.”

After this interview, White moved into Vanderbilt’s marketing department.

Kenzie Franklin: Director of on-campus recruiting, Tennessee

Kenzie sets up visits and game days for recruits and assists wherever else she’s needed.

“I work alongside of the associate director of player personnel, and we work hand in hand, and he tells me who’s coming, who needs what,” Franklin said. “I also coordinate with the hostess program — making sure tours are set up, making sure academics have their plan together, what they’re going to talk about with them — just kind of getting everybody on the same page.

“Once we get into December [and] January, we’ve got our official visit season. That is a lot of intense event planning. You’re putting together individualized plans for a weekend for 15 to 20 kids.”

Via Zach Stipe, Tennessee

Kenzie Franklin

“One day it could be a boring day in the office,” Franklin said. “But the next day, you’re there ‘til 2 in the morning, decorating a dorm room for a tour.”

I asked all five women about any challenges they’ve faced while working in man’s world.

Most responses centered around differences when pitching ideas or clarifying roles.

“Especially with me being new,” Franklin said, “I don’t have a track record that proves my work or anything, so I think just with the coaches, just letting them know, ‘I’ve got it. My way will work.’ It’s hard gaining their trust, and I think that may come with time.”

“You’re not ever going to be that super-hyper masculine kind of character that coaches are — and that’s why we love them — but that’s OK. It took a while to figure that out, but now that I’m starting to see it, it’s made me a lot more comfortable in what I do.” — Vanderbilt’s Donielle White

“I’ll be the first to tell you that it hasn’t been easy,” Hanson said. “There’s definitely times that you do still feel like there might be a little bit of a barrier, but Coach [Larry] Fedora has done an incredible job of integrating me into our staff.”

White said she had to be more conscious in up-front telling people what exactly she does.

“Just making sure that people understand who I am, and I’m not just like some little girl that’s kind of hanging around,” White said. “Because what will happen, especially over the summer, sometimes I’ll end up giving our campus tours, just because we don’t have that many students around. So that first summer, I got that a lot. I was like, ‘I think I need to just be more forthcoming with who I am instead of letting people assume something completely different.’”

Most of these women mentioned strong female mentors who helped them navigate their careers. The ACC is now facilitating discussions between women in athletic departments.

“One thing this past year we did, the senior associate ADs that were women, actually put together a women leadership/mentorship program,” Hanson said. “I was given the task of calling one female leader once a month from all the ACC schools and talking about the challenges.”

These talented women aren’t slowing down anytime soon.

“The sky’s the limit,” Jackson said. “If I can get a position this young, I really don’t see myself ever stopping.”

After just two short years at UNC, Hanson now has an associate athletic director role. Every job she’s taken up to this point has been calculated to get to where she is today.

“It’s always been my No. 1 goal to ultimately serve as an administrator at the Division I level,” Hanson said. “And all of the moves that I’ve made have been pretty intentional and strategic — the people I’ve aligned myself with, jobs and tasks that I’ve chosen to take on — and you have to navigate whatever you feel is best.”

“I never feel uncomfortable or notice, ‘Wow, I’m the only girl in this entire staff room,’” Jackson, who exudes confidence, said. “That never really crosses my mind, because we’re all there to do a job.

“I feel like anybody, if you’re going to work in sports, you know how to conduct yourself. You know what comes with that territory. But I never really experience that. No matter what, nothing is going to stop me. I’m going full force, no matter what.”

[summahsunlight]

This Way Became My Journey, CH. 6

Word Count: 3901

Pairings: Janeway/Chakotay, Paris/OFC

Characters: Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay, Tom Paris, Sarah Barrett (OC), Harry Kim, B’Elanna Torres, Kes, Neelix, the Doctor

Captain's log, stardate 48315.6. We've traced the energy pulses from the array to the fifth planet of the neighboring system and believe they may have been used in some fashion to transport Kim and Torres to the planet's surface.

Kathryn Janeway looked out the windows in her quarters at the massive space array that Voyager was orbiting. Ava was playing near by, refusing to go to sleep. Kathryn had spent the past three hours trying to get Ava down for the night but to no avail. The child just plain out refused. Pinching the bridge of her nose with her thumb and pointer finger, Kathryn closed her eyes trying to concentrate.

She was finding it difficult. She had a headache and the endless questions were only making it worse. The door chimed and she let out a soft sigh before calling, "Come in."

Kathryn turned about to see Tuvok enter. The Vulcan was carrying a PADD in his hands and reading it over. "Captain," he said, "I've observed something peculiar about the pulses; they're getting faster."

She took the PADD in her hand, letting the one she was holding in her other to drop to her side. "Faster," she said, disgusted, looking away from her trusted friend. She knew that her tone was probably hostile and he did not deserve it, but she was exhausted. They were no closer to finding Kim and Torres and a way home, and Ava's refusal to go to sleep was not helping matters any. What was it her mother had said, mixing a Starfleet career and motherhood was like mixing oil and water; it just couldn't be done. Kathryn, in her stubbornness, had been determined that she could. Now, that stubbornness was paying its toll.

"I can offer no explanation as to why they are increasing," Tuvok said. She had not even realized he was still talking.

With a sigh, she turned towards her desk. "That's only one of the mysteries we're dealing with, Mister Tuvok. Take a look." She turned the personal computer around so he could see the display. It was a graphic of the fifth planet that Voyager had been scanning. "It's virtually a desert. Not one ocean, not one river. It has all the characteristics of an M class planet, with one exception, there are no nucelogenic particles in the atmosphere."

"That would indicate that the planet cannot produce rain," Tuvok stated.

Kathryn nodded her head and moved away from him. "I've studied hundreds of M Class planets; I've never seen one without nucelogenics. There must have been some extraordinary environmental disaster," she sighed, stopping to look out the window. She sat down on the sofa, "As soon as repairs are complete, we'll set a course for the fifth planet."

Kathryn leaned back and placing her chin in the palm of her hand, looked out the window at the unmapped stars. Ava whimpered suddenly and she turned her attention to the baby. She was lying on her back, looking up at the ceiling, but was starting to lose the battle with sleep. Tuvok also looked at the child and saw the strain not only in the baby's tired little face, but in the Captain's as well.

"Captain," he said, stepping towards the sofa. "You require sleep; as does young Ava."

She didn't seem to hear him. "Kim's mother called me before we left; delightful woman, her only son. He'd left his clarinet behind; she wanted to know if she had enough time to send it. I had to tell her no," Kathryn said sadly, looking up at Tuvok. "Did you know he played the clarinet in the Julliard Youth Symphony?"

"I did not get the chance to meet Mister Kim," Tuvok replied.

"I barely knew him," Kathryn said, softly. "I never seem to get the chance to know any of them." She leaned forward thoughtfully. "I have to take more time to do that." The baby whimpered again and caught her mother's attention. "It's a fine crew and I've gotta get them home."

Tuvok placed his hands behind his back. "The crew, and your children, will not benefit from the leadership of an exhausted captain and mother."

Kathryn looked up at him, a soft smile formed on her worn face. "Your right as usual," she leaned back, letting the cushions massage her aching back. "I've missed your council."

"I am gratified that you would come after me so I could offer it to you once again," Tuvok replied.

She smiled. "I spoke to your family before I left."

He took a deep breath. "Are they well?"

Kathryn titled her head, slightly. "They're worried about you."

"That would not be an accurate perception, Captain. Vulcans do not worry."

"They… miss you."

"As I do them."

Kathryn stood, moving towards him. "I'll get you back to them. That's a promise, Tuvok."

For a moment the two friends looked each other in the eye before Tuvok nodded his had in gratitude and turned to leave the room. Kathryn watched him go before she went to pick Ava up and hold her close, looking out the window at the stars. "You hear that my little bird," she whispered in her baby's ear. "I'm going to get you home."

"You look like you could use some of this," a voice said above her.

Sarah Barrett glanced up from the latest repair report to see Tom Paris standing by her table in the mess hall, with a pot of coffee in his hands. The room was practically empty and the lights had been dimmed for the nighttime hours. Blinking the sleep out of her eyes, she looked about the now abandoned room. She had been here so long she realized that she had no idea what time it was. Offering him a small, tired smile, she gestured for him to sit down.

Tom took a seat opposite her and poured her a cup. "I heard you had a few extra duties shoved on your shoulders. But I didn't think you'd be up this late however pouring over…what exactly are you pouring over anyways?"

"Repair reports," she replied, taking the mug from him. "Captain Janeway has me coordinating the repair teams. Our senior staff, shall we say is a little depleted right now."

"It might stay that way if we don't find a way home," Tom quipped, taking a sip of his own coffee.

"I'm trying not to think about that," Sarah said in response. "I don't think I can take many more late nights like this. Speaking of late nights by the way, why are you up so late?"

He shrugged. "Couldn't sleep."

"Thinking about Harry?" she asked, setting the PADD aside.

"Yeah, I suppose I am," Tom replied, casting his eyes downward.

It was hard for him to open up to anybody, let alone a girl that he had just met a few days before. But he had to get it off his chest if he ever hoped of getting a wink of sleep that night. Truth be told, he had purposely tracked her down, she seemed like the most logical choice of someone to talk to, she was after all the ship's counselor, but she had also been the only one, besides Janeway and Harry, to give him the time of day since he had boarded this ship. "He's pretty much the only one on this ship that's been civil to me, friendly even, with the exception of you and Captain Janeway of course. I guess I've been thinking about how lonely this whole mission could be if we don't find a way home and rescue Harry."

Her sapphire eyes softened. "Tom, if Captain Janeway's service record is any indication of how she really is, then she will do everything in her power to find Harry and bring him back to Voyager. Besides, you're not alone, a lot of people on this ship I'm sure will be willing to give you a second chance. You just have to give them reason to do so."

He mulled over her words, and then grinned. "You're good. However, you're being a bit pessimistic. Don't you believe we're going to get home? Why would people on this ship even have the time to give me a second chance, especially since I'll be back in New Zealand when we return to Starfleet?"

Sarah frowned. "It's not pessimism, it's realism."

"Oh is that what they call it these days?"

"Well what do you want me to say?" she snapped, hotly. "We'll find Harry and then we'll all sail home triumphantly? The truth is, Paris, we're seventy thousand light years from home, with an entity that seems quite content to let us rot out here before sending us back where we came from and we're relying for help on people that can't be trusted entirely because of their views on the Federation."

"Chakotay," he huffed.

Sarah quirked an eyebrow. "He had an...interesting reaction to you today. What's your history with him?"

"There isn't any."

"Don't lie to me, no one would have reacted like that if you didn't have history."

Tom shrugged his shoulders. "I was itching for fight after being ushered out of Starfleet. I was angry at them, angry at myself for what had happened. I found Chakotay and the Maquis. They were desperate for fighters so they took me. Chakotay could see right through me, he knew what I was in for and he knew why. He never trusted me and he considered me more trouble than I was worth. He knew that I wasn't in it for their mighty cause and he figured that someday I'd turn them in, in exchange for something so I could please my parents. The truth is he was right about me. I am more trouble than I'm worth and I'm sorry that Captain Janeway could be stuck with me out here."

"You shouldn't say stuff like that, you don't know what's going to happen," she said, tensely.

Tom studied the tired expression on her face. "You're worried about being stuck out here aren't you?"

"Aren't you?"

"Me, nah," he replied. "I don't have a life back home worth returning too. It doesn't matter to me either way."

In reality, neither did she. Both her parents were dead and she had had a falling out with her older brother when he had found out she was using drugs. She had not spoken to him for at least two years. What scared her was being stuck out here with people who did have a life back home to return to. She wasn't sure if she was the right person to get them through it all.

Tom was standing now. "If it's any consolation, Counselor, if we do get stuck out here, I think we've got the best counselor on board to get us through it."

Their eyes met briefly before he turned and left the room. Sarah was once again left alone in the dim light with her PADDs, but now with a little bit more confidence and a steaming pot of coffee.

Captain's log, supplemental. The Maquis ship and Voyager have encountered a debris field where sensors have detected a small vessel. One humanoid life-form is on board.

"Hail them," Janeway told Tuvok as she stepped onto the bridge from her ready room. After finally getting her baby down for the night she had gotten a good night's sleep and felt refreshed and ready for whatever the day had to bring her. Stopping to stand behind helm, she turned to the view screen to see a net of some kind covering the alien's own view screen.

Someone was moving about in the background trying to find it.

The net was tossed out of the way and a male humanoid appeared, with spotted skin and orange hair. "Who ever you are, I found this waste heap first!" he yelled at her in a hostile tone. Janeway looked back at Sarah Barrett, seated in her chair, the two made eye contact for a moment before the Captain looked back at their new 'friend.'

"We're not interested in your debris," she told him, waving her hand about to emphasize what she was saying. "Mister?"

He's face immediately softened. "Neelix. And since you're not interested in my debris, well then, I'm delighted to know you."

Sarah got up from her chair and went to whisper in Kathryn's ear. "He's probably harmless Captain, makes his living by salvaging parts in debris heaps like this one. My guess is that this is how most beings get by in this region of space, that would account for his hostile reaction at seeing us at first."

Confident in her counselor's assessment of their new friend, she smiled. "Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the Federation Starship Voyager," she introduced her self to Neelix.

"That's a very impressive title. I have no idea what it all means," Neelix said. "But it sounds very impressive."

"Tell me Mister Neelix, do you know this part of space well?" Janeway asked him.

"I am famous for knowing it well," Neelix answered, proudly. "How may I be of service?"

"Do you know anything about the array that is sending energy pulses to the fifth planet?" Janeway inquired, pacing the command station back and forth, not breaking her eye contact with Neelix.

"I know enough to stay as far away from it as possible," Neelix replied. A look of understanding suddenly dawned on his face. "Let me guess, you were whisked away from somewhere else in the galaxy and brought here against your will?"

"Sounds like you've heard this story before."

"Sadly yes, thousands of times, well hundreds of times, maybe fifty times," Neelix said, which caused a small smile to form on Janeway's face. "The Caretaker has been bringing ships here for months now."

Janeway's eyes lit up with curiosity. "The Caretaker?"

"That's what the Ocampa call him. They live on the fifth planet," Neelix answered. "Did he kidnap some of your crew?"

Janeway leaned against the rail at conn. "As a matter of fact, he did."

"It's not the first time."

"Do you know where he might have taken them?" Janeway asked hopefully.

"Just that they are brought to the Ocampa, nothing more," Neelix said.

"We'd appreciate any help that you could give us in finding these…Ocampa," Janeway told him.

Neelix looked about his pile of junk for a moment before answering her. "I really wish I could help, I really do, but as you can see there is so much debris for me to go through. You'd be surprised the things of value some people throw out."

"Of course we'd want to compensate you for your trouble," Janeway offered him.

"There's really very little that you could offer me," Neelix replied, diverting his eyes, "unless of course you had…water."

Janeway looked down at the floor for a moment. If this was only going to cost them water, something they could easily replicate, then she was the one coming up smelling like roses in this deal. She glanced back at Neelix. "If you help us find our missing crew members you can have all the water you want."

"That sounds like a very reasonable arrangement."

She smiled. "Good. We'll beam you over and tow your ship into our shuttle bay." As she looked over her shoulder at Tuvok she was unaware of the distressed look that came over Neelix's face. "Mister Tuvok, Miss Barrett, go to Transporter Room Two and meet our guest." Janeway turned back towards Neelix as her officers left the Bridge.

"Beam?" Neelix questioned.

It had never occurred to her that these people had no idea what a transporter was. "We have technology that allows us to take you instantly from your ship to ours. It's quite harmless. May we?"

Neelix put his arms up in the air and a few seconds later the he materialized in Transporter Room Two, where Tuvok and Barrett were waiting to greet him. He looked positively relieved to be alive and in one piece. "Astonishing!" he exclaimed, running his hands over his furry coat. "You Federation are obviously an advanced culture."

"The Federation is made up of many cultures, I am Vulcan," Tuvok said, then gesturing towards Sarah, "Miss Barrett is human."

"Neelix!" The alien said, as he bounded off the transporter pad and threw his arms around Tuvok. "Good to meet you!"

Barrett had to repress a giggle at seeing the obvious discomfort this put Tuvok in. But as Neelix gathered her up into his arms, she soon found the reason for the discomfort. Mister Neelix apparently did not know what a bath was.

He let go of her and looked around the room. "Interesting. What…what does this all do?"

Tuvok stepped closer to him, not comfortable with the alien freely roaming around the room, brushing his fingers over various bulkheads and consoles. "I assure you everything in this room has a specific function. It would take several hours to explain it all."

"Perhaps another time," Barrett said, watching in mild amusement. "Shall we take you to your quarters?" She gestured for Neelix to follow her, Tuvok behind him.

"Perhaps you would care for a bath," the Vulcan stated.

Neelix looked at him perplexed. "A what?"

As the trio made their way through the corridors, Neelix stopping to look at everything, touching things that made Tuvok visibly flinch on occasion, Sarah knew that her personnel log was going to be interesting tonight.

Harry felt like he had been sitting on his biobed in the sterile alien room for hours. The Klingon woman was still sedated and unconscious on her own biobed and the only company Harry really had was the sound of the energy pulses. He was beginning to wonder if their alien 'hosts' were ever going to come back.

The Klingon woman suddenly jerked up and turned to face him. He put a hand up. "It's okay," he told her. " It's okay."

She looked nervous. "Who are you?"

"Name is Kim, Harry Kim. I'm an ensign on the Starship Voyager," he replied. "I was kidnapped from the array just like you were. I don't know where we are."

"What was Starfleet doing at that array?" she asked, angrily.

"Looking for you actually; one minute we were in the Badlands, the next—,"

"You mean you were trying to capture us!" the Klingon interrupted.

"Yeah, consider yourself captured," Harry answered sarcastically. He ran his hands over his white medical robe. "I know I have a phaser in here somewhere."

She moved closer to him. "I don't find this at all amusing, Starfleet." She moved towards the door, trying to look for a way to open it. She heard the Starfleet officer tell her that it was no use that it was locked. She didn't care, she had to get out, so she tried hitting it.

Harry jumped off the biobed and went to pull her away from the door. "Hey, what is that going to accomplish!"

"What are they doing to us!" she screamed holding up her wrists to show him the sores on her body. "What are these things growing on us?"

"Do you want them to sedate you again?"

"You're right Starfleet," she said, conceding to him. "It's the Klingon half of me, it's just that it's hard to control it sometimes."

"What's your name Maquis?"

"B'Elanna," she answered, "B'Elanna Torres."

The door to their room opened and one of the alien doctors was standing there holding some clothing. Harry held onto B'Elanna's arm firmly so she wouldn't try to go and attack the doctor. "I hope you're feeling better," the alien said. "I know this must be frightening for both of you. I've brought some clothes if you care to change." He held the arm with the clothing draped over it up so they could see them better.

"Why are you holding us here?" B'Elanna asked.

"You are not prisoners. In fact we consider you honored guests." He walked into the room closer to the two. "The Caretaker has sent you to us. As long as you're not violent you're free to leave your quarters."

"What's wrong with us?" Harry asked, holding up his hand. "What are these things?"

The doctor looked at him sadly. "We really don't know," he paused briefly, and then said, "You must be hungry, would you care to join me on the courtyard for a meal?"

B'Elanna and Harry looked at each other before making the decision that it was time to get out of this sterile room.

The doctor brought them up to the courtyard, directing them to the food dispensers. It was bright and airy, with many of the aliens out and about. Harry went to lean on a rail and looked out at the city. He was amazed to find that they were underground, with all the light around, that he assumed was sunlight, it was hard to believe.

"We're underground," he stated, looking about.

"Our society is subterranean, we've lived here for over five hundred generations," the doctor informed them as a group started to form around them.

B'Elanna looked upward. "But before that, you lived on the surface?"

"Yes, until the warming began."

"The warming?"

"When our surface turned into a desert and the Caretaker came to protect us," the doctor told him, as the group of curious aliens began to close in around them. Harry and B'Elanna were suddenly aware that they were being watched. "Our ancient journals tell us that he opened a deep chasm in the ground and led our ancestors to this place. Since then he has provided for all our needs." He suddenly noticed the group around them as well and the troubled looks on Harry and B'Elanna's faces. "Please forgive them; they know you have come from the Caretaker. None of us have ever seen him." He gestured for them to follow.

Harry and B'Elanna pushed their way through the group of on lookers and followed the doctor. They stopped at something that was similar to a replicator. The doctor proceeded to provide them with a bowl of food that neither B'Elanna nor Harry was sure about eating, but they took the bowls just to be polite.

They moved through the seating area which was facing three large view screens, each displaying a different scene of nature. "Is this how the Caretaker communicates with you?" Harry asked, eyeing the view screens.

"He never communicates with us directly," the doctor answered. "We try to interpret his wishes as best we can."

"I'm curious to know how you've interpreted the Caretaker's reasons for sending us here," Harry replied.

"We believe he separated you from your species for their protection."

"Their protection?" B'Elanna snapped.

"From your illness," he replied. The doctor gestured for the two to sit down with him. B'Elanna and Harry slowly took a seat. "Perhaps he's trying to prevent a plague."

"We weren't sick until we met your Caretaker," B'Elanna said.

"From time to time he asks us to care for people with this disease. It's the least we can do."

"There have been others?" B'Elanna questioned. "Like us?"

"Yes," was the only thing the doctor said in reply to her.

B'Elanna felt her nerves on edge as she asked, "Where are they?"

The doctor sighed, heavily. "You're condition is serious. We don't know exactly how to treat it. I'm afraid that the others did not recover."