#i’ve took some migraine medication so that should kick in soon

[ghoul--doodle]

Bailey is not cringe !! he's actually one of my fav ocs of yours ,,

(I know nothing abt him. his lore. or the og source)

Ah thank you so much!!

I know I’m being completely irrational with how worried I am about Bailey in particular being “cringe”

Especially when he’s just like. A normal guy.

I don’t know! But I am trying to be more open with his story and what I share about him so here you go!!

Bailey’s had a particular plushie for as long as he can remember- and it’s very important to him. It was originally a gift from his parents! He doesn’t exactly remember what he got it for, whether it be birthday, christmas, or just a special treat? He has no idea

He just knows it means a lot to him

His memories before and of the accident he was in are incredibly fuzzy, and he only remembers bits and pieces, and he more-so remembers things as facts rather than an actual memory (like he knows the toy was a gift, he knows his right eye used to be brown, he knows his parents weren’t rich but they could live comfortably- etc)

He does remember though the staff at the hospital he was staying at after the fact dressing his plushie up in little bandages and plasters to make him feel better and less scared about the whole ordeal, he knows the plushie was a huge comfort for him at the time-!

[robinrunsfiction]

CAN I GET A FRANK X READER FIC WHERE THE BAND GOES OUT FOR LUNCH AND Y/N STAYS AT THE BUS AND SLEEPS IN FRANKS BUNK AND THEY GET BACK AND FRANK SEES HER AND JUST GETS INTO BED WITH HER AHD HOLDS HER AND ITS ALL FLUFFY

Hold You Here

Pairing: Frank Iero x Female Reader Rating: General Requested By: Anons Word Count: 2,000 Author’s Note: I’m combining this with another similar request, which resulted in a longer story! I hope everyone enjoys! TW for a brief mention of Gerard’s addiction struggles in 2004

To be in a band meant that your bandmates were your most intimate friends. Hours, days, weeks spent cramped together in small confined spaces meant that everyone saw each other at their best, worst, and everything in between. Platonic physical affection wasn’t an unusual occurrence and neither was sharing beds so that the fewest number of hotel rooms could be reserved to save money, curling up under a blanket together while watching a movie on the bus, not to mention all the on-stage antics, it was all taken in stride. 

It also helped that everyone looked out for each other, but it seemed as if Frank looked out for you more than the others. When things became hectic, or when you were suffering from one of your migraines, he’d always be the one checking up on you to make sure you were okay. Spending hours up late at night talking with him was one of your favorite ways to pass time on the bus. You’d developed quite the soft spot for the chaotic guitarist.

The band had been touring what felt like non-stop for ages, but especially now that Three Cheers was out. It had been a very long, hot summer full of meeting fans, rocking out, and if you were being honest with yourself, way too much partying on everyone’s part. You were feeling pretty burnt out, but the success of the band made it worth it.

Now it was the last week of Warped Tour 2004 and you could tell summer was ending by how quickly the nights were cooling down. As usual when the tour was stopped over for a couple nights, both a bonfire, and most of the bands, were lit. You were standing as close to the fire as you could without melting the rubber on your chucks trying to keep warm.

“Hey,” Frank said, walking over to stand next to you.

“Hey, how’s it goin?” You asked

“Good. Cold?”

“Yea,” you rolled your eyes. “I decided to dress cute, and now I’m freezing my ass off.”

“Who were you dressing up for?” Frank asked, unzipping his hoodie.

“No one really,” you replied, watching as he took off the sweatshirt. “What are you doing?”

“Keeping you warm,” he replied.

“You don’t have to,” you started as he put it over your shoulders.

“Too late,” he replied with a smirk that faded into a soft smile.

You looked up at him, in the dim light of the bonfire and you felt your heart skip, like a switch had been flipped. That soft spot you held in your heart for him suddenly felt overwhelmed, like the quiet feelings were now screaming in your ears.

“I bet it’s warmer on the bus,” you suggested, deciding to lean into the moment. You just hoped you were gauging the situation correctly.

His eyebrows went up in surprise, but he nodded. “I bet you’re right, wanna go back?”

“Yea.”

The walk across the parking lot was silent, as your hands brushed against each other’s, shoulders bumping occasionally. Climbing into the bus, you wandered to the back and confirmed no one else was around, and when you turned back to Frank he seemed a little nervous.

“Ya know you do look really cute. Like not just tonight, like all the time,” he said.

“Thanks,” you replied, tucking your hair behind your ear nervously. You were in your 20s, why were you suddenly feeling like a middle schooler talking to their crush?

“Wanna watch a movie or something?” He offered after an awkward silence hung between you.

“Sure. Nothing scary though, I’m tired of horror.”

“How can you be tired of horror?” Frank asked with feigned shock.

“Because that’s all we watch and we’ve watched almost every movie we have 100 times over.”

Frank started flipping through the stack of DVDs that the band had accumulated through countless tours. “What about ‘10 Things I Hate About You’?” he asked. 

“Yes,” you nodded eagerly, plopping down on the couch and pulling off your shoes.

Frank put the movie in the DVD player and turned off the lights, sitting next to you. You glanced over, trying to gauge what he was thinking. He glanced back and you snapped your eyes back to the tv. As the movie progressed, Frank casually put his arm over the back of the couch and you settled into his side. 

“I wanna go play paintball, like real paintball, some time,” you said, watching Kat and Patrick’s date on the screen.

“We should go then,” Frank replied.

“Just us? Or,” you trailed off.

“Yea, I mean unless you wanna invite other people.”

You looked up at him, and he was looking back down at you. "No, just us," you said softly.

"Cool," he said with a goofy smile.

You had to bite your lip to keep from giggling, but in that moment, the energy between you shifted. Frank started to lean in and you closed your eyes as his lips met yours. At first the kiss was soft and tender, almost tentative. But then his arms wrapped around you, pulling you closer and your hand ran through his hair as he deepened the kiss. 

When you finally came up for air, you couldn't help the smile on your face when you saw how happy Frank looked. "That was fun," you laughed.

"I've been wanting to do that forever," he said, running a hand through his hair, smoothing it down.

"Well we should do it again sometime," you replied.

Just then, loud, drunken voices could be heard outside the door to the bus and you both jumped apart.

"They're in here makin' out or something," Ray shouted over his shoulder with a giggle. You knew there was no way they could have seen you two just minutes before, but the joke still rattled you.

"No they weren't," Mikey said disbelievingly, as he and Gerard followed.

You glanced at Frank who was shaking his head at your bandmates before he changed the subject to something totally random. Things had literally just started with him, and it felt fragile. The last thing you wanted was to have it all fall apart like nothing happened, and be left wondering forever what could have been.

The next day, nothing about the prior night was discussed between you and Frank, but it had been a busy day of press, playing, and meeting fans. When you were climbing back into your bunk, completely exhausted, you spotted a folded up piece of paper on your pillow. You closed the curtain behind you and turned on the small light above your bed. When you unfolded the note, you immediately recognized Frank's scrawling handwriting. 

(YN), all I've been able to think about today is how your lips felt on mine and wondering when I can feel it again. I can't remember anything that was said to me because I was thinking about how I'd rather just be talking to you. I hope sometime before the end of this tour we can hang out alone together again.

XO, frnk

You bit your lip to keep from squealing with delight.

~

The last few days of Warped Tour were just as much of a blur, and when that tour was over, you were quickly shipped off to another one. Gerard was struggling and the whole band was impacted. Everyone dealt with it in their own way, and luckily you had Frank to brush away the worried tears when your brain wouldn't quiet enough to let you sleep at night. 

Soon after, Gerard got the help he needed and when he rejoined the band, you were immediately sent back out on the road. Everything felt a little brighter that fall.

You and Frank were as good as ever, but still keeping your relationship quiet. His hand would find yours when no one else was around. You'd each sneak into each other's bunks and spend the nights cuddled together. Then there was the series of excuses as to why you two should share hotel rooms, which included Mikey texting too much, Ray talking too much, and Gerard keeping the light on all night drawing, among others.

So when you were blindsided with a migraine one morning, you were not at all pleased. The pain throbbed through your head as nausea rolled through your stomach. You groaned as you slid out of your bunk and stumbled to the front of the bus, which was obnoxiously bright, to the cabinet holding the medicine. 

"There's sleeping beauty," you heard Ray laugh, but you just grunted in response. You grabbed the bottle of Excedrin and silently prayed they'd do their job quickly as you took a dose.

"You ok?" Frank asked as you slumped down on the couch.

"No, migraine."

Your bandmates groaned, knowing how much of a pain, literally and figuratively, they were for you.

"So you don't wanna go grab lunch?" Mikey asked.

"Please don't make me think about food or I might get sick."

"Do you want me to stay back with you?" Frank offered. It didn't even register how much concern he was showing toward you.

"No, I just wanna sleep and hope it goes away before we have to play tonight."

"Ok, we'll leave you alone. Come on guys," Gerard said, shooing the guys out. You glanced up and saw Frank giving you a sympathetic look before leaving the bus.

You dragged yourself back to the bunks, closing the door to the main room behind you and looked at your bunk. There was no way in hell you were climbing back up into it. Instead climbed into Frank's. 

You pulled his blanket over you as you curled up in a ball facing the wall. His pillow smelled faintly of his shampoo, but not enough to make you feel sick, or maybe the medication was finally kicking in.

It felt like no sooner you'd fallen asleep that you heard voices in the front of the bus. You wondered how long you’d been out, but didn’t care enough to check the time. Before you could drift off again you heard the door opening and closing softly. Shuffling steps stopped behind you and then you felt someone climb in the bunk behind you.

"Hey," Frank said softly, his arm wrapping around your side.

"Hi," you answered, a smile forming on your face for the first time all day, not that he could see it.

"Feeling better?"

"A bit. Not 100% yet, but better than earlier."

"Mind if I nap with you?"

"Please do," you replied.

Frank drew the curtain shut and settled in behind you. He brushed aside your hair and placed a soft kiss on the side of your neck before giving you another quick squeeze.

You drifted back to sleep for a while, and when you woke up again, your headache was mostly gone you were relieved that you'd be able to play that night without feeling awful. As you stretched your legs out, Frank shifted, pulling you tighter against him.

"Better yet?" He murmured sleepily.

"Yea," you said, not moving more, afraid of disturbing the comfortable cocoon you two were in.

“So at lunch the guys were talking,” Frank started.

“‘Bout what?” You asked, rolling over.

“Us.”

“Oh?” Your heart rate going up.

“We went to this café for lunch and I got you a cupcake, it’s in the fridge by the way. And they were just wondering if there’s something going on between us.”

“What’d you say?”

“I just brushed it off, they were just giving me shit.”

“Oh,” you said, suddenly feeling a little dejected.

“Do you still wanna keep us a secret?” He asked.

“I dunno," you mumbled. "Do you?”

Frank intertwined his fingers with yours. "It's been kinda fun this way. But I also kinda wanna tell everyone I know that I'm the luckiest dude in the world BECAUSE I'm with you."

“Let's decide later,” you replied. “For right this moment, let’s just enjoy this.”

"Good idea," he replied with a soft smile before leaning in and kissing you lovingly.

[kckenobi]

You’re not alone.” With Obi-Wan

76 — “You’re not alone.”

Anakin knew something was wrong the moment he entered the room.

Obi-Wan’s quarters were usually impeccably neat—as a Padawan, he used to roll his eyes at how Obi-Wan ordered his tea leaves alphabetically and wiped the countertops every night like clockwork. So when Anakin saw the boots kicked off on the middle of the floor, the datapads and scattered papers dumped on the table, the spilled glass of water soaking them—

 “Obi-Wan?”

When he got no response, Anakin barreled into the bedroom.

The only thing poking out from the bedsheets was a tuft of auburn hair. Obi-Wan had a pillow over his head, his face turned away from the light that poured through the window.

Kriff.

Anakin pulled the shade down, enveloping them in darkness, and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Migraine?”

He decided to interpret the high-pitched noise Obi-Wan made as a yes. 

“Okay,” Anakin said, keeping his voice soft. “When did you last take your meds?”

Obi-Wan shifted a little beneath the sheets. He stuck out his hand and uncurled the fist, and inside it—a tiny orange bottle.

Anakin cursed under his breath.

It was empty.

“You’re all out?”

The slightest nod.

Though Obi-Wan—to Anakin’s chagrin—was usually fairly quiet about it when he didn’t feel well, Anakin had seen this play out before. The medication didn’t always stave off the pain, but without it, it was definitely worse.

“I’ll get it refilled. Hang tight, okay?” He pushed the hair off Obi-Wan’s forehead—found it damp with sweat. His heart clenched in empathy. “Wait...”

He stood up and dug through Obi-Wan’s linen cabinet, then drenched a washcloth in cold water. Sliding his hair back again, Anakin set it down on his forehead, watching as Obi-Wan’s grimace lessened just a little.

“I’ll be back soon. And the trash can’s next to your bed just in case.”

The second he shut the bedroom door behind him, empty pill bottle in hand, Anakin started to run.

The Halls of Healing were somewhat busy—they always were during the war—but the waiting room fell silent as Anakin skidded into the room, panting lightly, and pushed his way to the front desk.

“I need a prescription refill,” he said, slapping the empty pill bottle down on the counter. “Obi-Wan Kenobi, date of birth—"

“Do you have the prescription with you?” The Padawan healer smiled politely, yet for some reason Anakin felt a flare of irritation. “I just have the bottle, is that good enough?”

She picked it up and scanned the print on the side. “Unfortunately, it looks like this has already been refilled twice. You’ll need a new prescription from one of the Master Healers, and then you can probably pick it up in a few days—"

“Well, I need it now.”

The Padawan looked over her shoulder, but no one else was there. “I’m sorry, Master Skywalker. But I can’t—"

“That’s not an acceptable answer.”

“I don’t—"

“Anakin?”

Anakin whirled around, suddenly acutely aware of all people in the waiting room staring at him, and there behind him was—

“Bant,” Anakin said, exhaling. She had a clipboard tucked under her arm, and her eyes were tired, her clothes a bit rumpled—the war wasn’t easy on the Healers, either.

“What’s wrong?” she said.

Anakin just stuck out the empty bottle. She took it, reading the label on the side, and Anakin watched her face fall.

“It’s bad again,” Bant said, more of a statement than a question. Anakin nodded. “I knew it. He‘ll never admit it at his physicals, but—"

“Can you just refill the meds?”

Anakin regretted the impatience in his tone—he’d been rude to that Padawan, and now he was being short with one of Obi-Wan’s oldest friends. But her face was soft as she nodded, unbothered, empathetic.

With a full pill bottle and muttered apologies to the Padawan healer, Anakin ran from the Halls of Healing.

His heart was hammering by the time he made it back. Obi-Wan was still buried in blankets, his face pale and furrowed as he turned over in bed, and Anakin sank to his knees beside him.

“Hey, buddy. How we doing?”

Obi-Wan opened his eyes just a crack, grimaced, and shut them again. “Don’t feel well,” he murmured.

“I know.” Anakin said. “Can you sit up?”

Obi-Wan shook his head. 

“Well, you gotta at least lift your head to take the meds. I have them here.”

Obi-Wan exhaled, but it was shaky. The wet cloth slid off his forehead as he lifted his head, eyes fluttering open, and propped himself up on his elbows. Anakin handed him a glass of water and a pill, and helped Obi-Wan raise the glass to his lips when his hands trembled. 

“It’ll pass soon,” Anakin said softly. 

As he sank back into the pillows and squeezed his eyes shut, Obi-Wan didn’t reply.

But it did pass. Eventually—after what felt like hours of Anakin sitting in the bed beside him, switching out the washcloth when it got warm, squeezing his shoulder when the pain spiked—Obi-Wan’s face finally relaxed. He was breathing easier, and Anakin thought he might be asleep, when—

“You should go,” he murmured. “I just want to be alone.”

“Well, too bad, because you’re not alone,” Anakin replied. “And you’re not going to be.”

The corner of Obi-Wan’s mouth quirked up—not quite a smile, but almost. “You are impossible,” he said. “Well, then, if you’re going to overstay your welcome, perhaps you can at least make yourself useful. Can you com the Council? Tell them I apologize for my sudden departure.”

“I’m sure they understand.”

“Please,” Obi-Wan said. “Just tell them. They’re aware that this...happens, sometimes. But I don’t think I was particularly coherent when I left the briefing.”

Obi-Wan closed his eyes, folding his hands behind his head. Anakin didn’t get up.

“Something’s different,” he said. “You’ve been off for a while. You’re not yourself. Is this...this isn’t the first time it’s happened this week, is it?”

For a long moment, Obi-Wan didn’t answer. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft.

“It’s just...it’s been worse. Recently.” He swallowed, the creases between his brows growing deeper. “Since Zigoola.”

Oh.

“I’ve been lucky, in the past. It’s never jeopardized a mission, but now...with the war, if I’m not at my best...” His voice faltered, and Anakin was surprised to hear it waver. “There are so many lives at stake.”

“The only life I’m worried about right now is yours.”

Obi-Wan sighed, as though the thought exasperated him. But when he opened his eyes, they were a little wet.

“I’m okay,” he said quietly.

“I know.” 

Anakin pulled the cloth off his forehead, smoothed Obi-Wan’s hair back in place. 

“But I’ll always be here when you’re not.”

—

Thank you for the prompt!

From these angst/fluff prompts :)

[lloftvlly]

something i never really talk about but felt like ranting about right now.

hi, i’m may, i stan fictional villains, and i have a shitty autoimmune disease.

i don’t make a big deal of it because i don’t think it’s defining who i am but i won’t pretend it’s not a huge part of my life. 

just a little backstory. my disease started to kick in in my teens. it started very slowly and snuck up on me. the first time i noticed something was off, was when my right knee started hurting. back then i didn’t think of it as much though, just maybe i was getting hurt at the concert i was at a a few days prior (it was good charlotte, my friend is a huge fan and dragged me to their live it wasn’t bad but lol). it started to bother me when the pain in the knee didn’t go away after i kept applying some cooling gels and whatnot and my knee kept swelling up. my cousin, who’s a doctor got me some cortisone cream too and it helped a bit but you can’t use this for long. so as soon as i quit using it the pain was back just as bad, if not worse. 

i started seeing doctors and they were just confused. i got my knee punctured and liquids drained by doctor 5 times. (long-ass needle goes under your kneecap and liquid gets pulled out)  this procedure hurts like shit but it always gave me a little relief for a few days. but after that it still got progressively worse. it started to also affect my left knee and my right wrist and eventually my lower back. and at this point i was taking a lot of pain meds to at least be able to have pain-free days. in the mornings i couldn’t get out of bed, i couldn’t walk. i had to always take pain meds in bed, wait until they kick in, then force myself to get out of bed and try to walk. always stiff, always having to keep my legs moving if i don’t want them to turn stiff like rocks again...  my knees were too weak to keep me on my legs for long so whenever i was in situations i had to stand a lot, i would threaten them cos i would have to find something to lean on and that wasn’t always an option.  shitty fucking situation.

i kept seeing doctors who were not sure what it was. idk how many times i left a doctor office and then had a mental breakdown, crying cos no one could tell me what’s wrong and i just wanted it to be taken care of. like lit felt like i was left so alone with my pain and no one did anything to help me with it. i even felt like i wasn’t taken serious enough. one doctor even made some comments that it might all just be in my brain. because i am also diagnosed with GAD and clinical depression he was like “this could be part of that.” such bullshit. sometimes doctors don’t take you serious for having mental illnesses is what i learned from that. 

anyway, things were looking up a little after that. 

about 7 years into living with pain i was finally getting a diagnosis. all this time it had been psoriasis arthritis, an autoimmune illness that attacks my joints. the reason why it took doctors this long is because this condition rarely ever comes without the skin condition psoriasis. i didn’t show it on my skin, and even my blood tests seemed to not show the results doctors needed to diagnose it. the only reason doctors did find out, was because i had googled my symptoms a lot and i brought up the idea to my doctor that this would be it. plus my grandpa and my aunt have the same disease and it’s something genetic. honestly without me telling the docs i think i have psa i think i wouldn’t have a diagnosis even now. 

idk what changed on the day i got my diagnosis and why it suddenly showed in my blood tests also. but i was relieved to say the least, knowing what was rly going on with my body. but the thing is, i lived 7 years undiagnosed with it and now have to live with the consequences of that time: these being, i was always walking cautiously because of the pain in my knees, it ended up in me now having a crooked walk, i can’t stretch out my legs completely anymore, neither bend them completely. it’s now just something i have to live with, that i won’t prolly never walk normally again. i’ve ruined my posture thru that, and now have chronic back pains caused by it and i get lots of migraines that result from the back (idk how it works i aint a doctor) 

now i am on strong medication called mtx, it’s kind of a med that many ppl are critical of, because of its strong side effects and it not being rly good to the body. i have my blood checked all 6 weeks cos i gotta make sure they don’t slowly kill me lol.  but for me this med is rly saving my life like holy shit. i do physical rehab in a program whenever i can, i stayed there for weeks before and it was kind of nice. the issue with my medication, however, is that i have to pause them whenever i even have as much as a small cold. since they suppress my immune system or whatever, i can’t take them when i am sick or i won’t ever have a immune system to get me back to becoming healthy again or some sciency shit idk lol. 

either way that brings me to now. i had a fever not long ago and had to pause my meds again. mtx stays in the body for like 2 weeks or so, if you pause any longer than that, your body is set back to the state it was before you started therapy on this medication and mtx takes up to ten weeks to even take effect. meaning, when i pause it, i am set back to before i started the medication and have to wait at least 6 weeks for them to kick back in and make the pain slowly go away again. now, currently i am in one of those in between times before the meds work again. i am in quite a lot of pain,  i can barely get out of bed. not only do both my knees rly hurt but so does my back. and i am like /: well that sucks. 

it’s hard to focus when you’re in pain. as i am right now. i try really hard to focus on anything other than that but no matter what i do, my mind’s always going back to the pains in my back and knees, my wrists feel surprisingly fine and thank fuck cos i need them to write lol. point being, my focus is gone. i wanna write, i wanna create, i wanna draw but it’s rly hard man. i feel whiny and like overly dramatic... nothing should keep me from writing, realistically. look, i mean, i just typed out this wholeass essay. i honestly think i am blocking myself. i’m like ‘woe is me.. i have some pain’ and somehow almost use this as an excuse, i guess, to be a lazy pos. 

someone gotta tell me “stop being a bitch and get to work” so if you read this and if you would lol. just don’t pls, for the lov of king shiggy , don’t feel bad for me or say anything to pity me. that’s not what i want /at all/. i’m a badass for living with this pain, lemme feel like one at least lol.  if you can sympathize that’s nice but i didn’t write this to make anyone feel bad for me i promise. i don’t feel bad for myself either, i honestly think i am lucky in many ways that i get to live in a country with free health care, get to work from home, get to be a lazy pos when i am in this type of situation without having to worry about anything rly. 

i’m also writing this rant to kind of push myself. get out of this stupid slump DO SOMETHING. 

anyway, that’s all. 

also: if anyone got stories to share about their own experiences and they want me to hear it, please do. ithink we all have things we struggle with. 

[inky-whump]

Day 12 - Migraine

29 Days of Whump - Day 12 - Migraine

Taglist: @yuckwhump, @slaintetowhump, @constellationwhump, @whimperwoods - LMK if you wanna be added

This is actually a continuation of Day 7! It was too good of a connection to pass up.

--------------

It was two days before Laurence’s fever broke. He was finally feeling well enough to not need Derrick to stay. Or at least that’s what he told Derrick. The truth was far from it, but Laurence in his stubbornness wouldn’t admit it.

Laurence had to practically shoo Derrick out the door, telling him that he was fine and that Derrick should think of his own responsibilities. His best friend had finally agreed, on the grounds that Laurence would call if he needed him. As soon as Derrick was gone, Laurence slumped against the door. A migraine was coming. He had dealt with migraines long enough to sense when they were coming - irritability, feeling depressed and sleepy, these were the early warning signs. When he woke up in the morning, he had seen a flickering, jagged arc of light. Now, with Derrick no longer there, Laurence could feel his skin going numb - another warning sign of a migraine. Laurence shut off all the lights in his apartment and made his way to his bed. Laying down, he tried to steady his breathing. Just breathe. It’ll be okay. You can do this. Then the migraine started.

It began with Laurence feeling like there was a nail behind his right eye. He winced and closed his eyes, willing himself to not focus on the pain, to not fight it, but to let it come and go. The nail grew bigger and forced its way further and further. Laurence gripped the bed sheets. Half of his head was engulfed in pain now. It felt like the right side of his brain was trying to drill it’s way out of his skull. Laurence turned on his side and felt the pain worsen. He groaned as all of his mind - and body - was consumed by the pain. His head was throbbing so much that he could think of nothing else. He could barely breathe. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop! was the thought on repeat in Laurence’s head. It was as if Laurence could feel every vein and every artery in his head and they were all pulsating. Not a nice beat you might hear in a song, but as if an amplifier were cranked to the max and playing a pulse so deep you could feel it. So deep it was difficult to breathe. Laurence’s mouth came open, but no sound came. Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. He couldn’t even bring himself to move and wipe them away. Any movement seemed to drive the excruciating pain further. It was all-encompassing. There was no escape, no respite, no relief, no deliverance.

“Laurence?” Derrick’s voice was soft, concerned. Laurence just moaned in pain. A hand was on his shoulder. “Have you already taken your medication?”

Laurence managed to mumble “I ran out. I haven’t been able to afford it lately.”

Laurence heard Derrick inhaled sharply through his teeth. The hand was gone from his shoulder, leaving him to drown in his pain. Then an arm was behind him, gently bringing him onto his back and up into a sitting position. The pulsating flared up even worse and Laurence resisted.

“No. Leave me alone. Don’t touch me. I don’t want to move.”

“I need you to drink this,” a glass was touching Laurence’s lips. Shuddering with pain, Laurence sipped.

“That’s it,” Derrick encouraged. “Can you swallow some pills for me?”

“Y…yes…” Laurence managed to answer.

“Okay. I’m going to put them in your mouth and then give you some water. Can you swallow them for me?”

“Okay…”

Pills were gently pushed into Laurence’s mouth, followed by water. When he had swallowed them, he weakly asked, “What…were…those…?”

“Just some painkillers,” Derrick settled Laurence back onto the pillows gently. “They’ll take a moment to kick in, but I have some other things to help.”

“You don’t have to-” Laurence was cut off as his migraine attacked him with agony. He gasped in pain. Derrick gently took Laurence’s left hand. He started making circles with his thumb between Laurence’s thumb and pointer finger.

“What are you…?”

“Acupressure. I googled it a while ago when I knew you had frequent migraines. Just focus on your breathing. In, and out. Nice and slow.”

Laurence complied. Breathe in. Breathe out. After a few minutes, Derrick moved his hands up Laurence’s arm and applied gentle but firm pressure to the inside of his forearm, about an inch below the wrist. Breath in, breathe out. Don’t focus on the pain, let it come, and let it pass. Derrick’s gentle voice interrupted him.

“How long do your migraines usually last?”

“Sometimes I’m lucky and they are only about four hours.”

“And if you’re unlucky?”

Laurence grimaced. He didn’t like to think about how long they could get. He finally answered, “The longest I’ve had was forty-eight hours.”

Derrick hissed in his breath as he laid Laurence’s arm back on the bed.

“You don’t have to stay. I’ve dealt with this before.”

“I know. But I want to stay. I want you to know that you don’t have to do this alone.”

For the first time since the migraine had started, Laurence relaxed. He wasn’t sure if it was the painkillers, the acupressure, or just Derrick being there, but he felt as if there were a light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a long one, but he wouldn’t walk it alone.

[only-kiwi]

Demons

hey, i decided to take a break from the instagram fics and post this. i started writing it well over a year ago and only just polished and finished it. i don’t think i’m a good writer but i really wanted to try. this wil probably be made into a series if that’s what you just want. anyway, hope you like this.

TW: mentions of self harm, depression, eating disorder, swearing, age gap (19/24)

“Billie?” The nineteen year old heard someone call her name, making her break out of her daydream. “How are you doing today?”

Her eyes flickered around the room, looking at all of the other people in the circle; all their eyes were on her. She knew them all - well, their stories - pretty well because she’d been going to the group therapy thing that her mother forced her to go to once a week for about three weeks now... but no one knew her. Billie never, ever spoke - she refused, and there were even rumours that she was mute - which wasn’t true. All Billie did when she heard that question was shrug and look at her hands. That’s all she ever did.

Once the hour-long session was over, Billie sat outside the building and waited for her mother to pick her up - she was nineteen and still couldn’t be trusted to be on her own. Usually, her mother would be there ten minutes early, waiting for Billie to walk out, but she got caught up at work and would take longer than usual. Billie didn’t mind though, because she liked being on her own - no one ever left her alone anymore. She didn’t have much time to enjoy her lonesome because someone took it upon themselves to sit next to her. Her grip on the apple that her mother all but begged her to eat and had yet to be bitten in to tightened as she felt her anxiety kick in.

“Billie, right?” A deep voice shocked her and she looked at the lanky figure beside her. He was extremely tall, he had eyes that were the most beautiful shade of green and he had the whitest teeth she had ever seen. Her eyes studied him once more, taking in his unique choice of clothing and simply nodded at his question. “I’m Harry.”

“Harry?” She breathed out timidly, she had never seen him here before.

“You didn’t talk much in there, love.”

“Well, I don’t exactly feel like telling a bunch of strangers what’s wrong with me when I can’t even talk to my own damn parents about it. Hell, I can’t even tell myself.” Billie sighed, she wasn’t trying to seem rude but she was terrible with strangers. The strength in her voice surprised Harry, he’d thought she was just abnormally shy. “You didn’t talk either.”

“I’m practically being forced to come here. I’m twenty-four and no one lets me make my own bloody decisions.” Harry complained and Billie smiled, knowing exactly how he felt. “You know, you’ve got a nice smile. You should do it more.”

“Nah, I don’t smile. I’m crazy.”

“You think you’re crazy?”

“I’m fucking insane, Harry.”

***

Billie was at the dinner table with her parents and little brother and she stared at the food on her plate, the sight of it alone made her want to throw up - and she wouldn’t even have to do it herself this time. Her parents didn’t really know what to do because for years, they had tried everything they could. Psychiatric hospitals just weren’t enough anymore, she had been admitted into them more than enough times to know how to work her way around the system and get out as soon as possible. Billie despised those places, the people there made her feel like she was some sort of animal.

“May I be excused?” Billie huffed, growing agitated just by watching everyone eat. She didn’t know how it could be so easy for them.

“You haven’t even touched your food, B.” Her father told her quietly. “If you don’t gain those extra pounds then they’ll send you back.”

I can’t go back there, Billie thought. They can’t send me back. “I ate while I was waiting for mum to pick me up.” 

Her father sighed but nodded with a simple ‘ok’ and let her go. Billie went upstairs and no one questioned her, forcing her to talk would only set her off. When Billie reached her bedroom, she instantly locked the door. She didn’t know why she was acting the way she was acting but she couldn’t help it. She felt like shit because all she wanted was to be able to eat like a normal person and breathe like a normal person... she just wanted to be a normal person. Billie stared at the several bottles of pills on her bedside table, not feeling remotely guilty for not taking them for the past few days - the medication gave her migraines. Before Billie could even properly process her thoughts, she heard the doorbell ring. She didn’t really care who was at the door, but her brother knocked on her door and she groaned, knowing it was probably important.

“Mum and Dad said to come down because their mate from work is here and she brought her son,” Jacob said as he gave his sister a warm smile. “Did you take your pills?”

“Of course I did,” she lied to the fifteen-year-old. “Come on, let’s head down.”

As soon as Billie reached the bottom of the stairs, she sucked in a harsh breath and plastered on her infamous fake smile. Her and Jacob walked into the kitchen and they were introduced to Anne straight away. Anne was lovely and Billie could tell why her parents were friends with her.

***

"So yeah, I just brought my son because he's been staying with me ever since my husband died. Think it really got to him, you know?" Anne said to Billie. She didn't know where Anne's son was, but she felt sorry for him. "Here he is." Anne said and Billie turned around. 

"Harry?" Billie asked in shock, she didn't expect Harry to be here. 

"Billie?" Harry asked in the same tone.

"You know each other?" Jacob asked as he stood between the pair. 

"We met to today -" 

"-at the group therapy thing." 

"Small world." Jacob shrugged. "I'm gonna go back up to my room because I need to get past this one level on GTA. B, are you alright on your own?"

Billie gave her brother an appreciative smile, because he knows what she's like with new people. "I'll be fine, I'll knock on your door if I need you, okay?"

Billie and Harry were sitting in the living room while their parents were in the kitchen. They could hear Jacob cursing at his game and Billie couldn't help but snicker. Neither of them spoke for a while, there wasn’t much to say. Billie wished she could be in her room at that moment - preferably asleep so she didn’t have to think. 

"So, I’m guessing you had nothing better to do on a Friday night?” Billie tried making conversation - she felt rude just sitting there in silence.

“Not really, no.” Harry chuckled with a small shrug. “What about you?”

“I don’t leave this house unless I’ve got that therapy shit.”

“What? No school or work?”

“I don’t know if you can tell but I’m not very good with people.” Billie shook her head, stopping herself from thinking too much. “So, I don’t do much.”

"But you spend time with your friends and that?" Billie didn’t appreciate the interrogation, but she also knew that Harry was just trying to get to know her.

"I don't have friends, Harry... not anymore." 

"Why not?" Harry asked, but before Billie could answer, her mother walked in.

"Billie, I brought you something to eat because you didn’t eat dinner. And Harry, Anne said you ate before you came so I assumed you were okay?” The older woman smiled, walking in with the same plate Billie left at the dinner table and putting it on the coffee table with a knife and fork.

“Mum,” Billie sighed. “I’m not-”

“It wasn’t a question. Eat.”

Harry watched Billie as her mother left the room, he felt awkward. Does he say something? Does he ask what that was about? Does he leave it? “I have an eating disorder.” She spoke, as if she was reading his mind.

“Oh...” was all Harry could really say. “W-what kind? You don’t have to tell me, though.”

“It’s not like anorexia or anything, I don’t want to make myself skinny. I just don’t care for food and sometimes I stop eating when my depression starts getting bad again. I eat sometimes, though, like when I’m starving or craving something. But then I start feeling guilty so I just throw it all up.” Billie couldn’t stop the words leaving her mouth, her mum warned her about telling people what was going on but Billie thought she was just ashamed. Her words were so casual, like she didn’t care and it made Harry’s heart hurt. He noticed she said she had depression, too and he wondered what kind but he didn’t want to push her.

“When was the last time you ate?”

“Had half of that apple you saw me with earlier.”

“And before that?”

“Are you my dad or something?” Billie’s snapped, before realising how awful she sounded. “I’m sorry, I just- I don’t really talk about this that much.”

Harry smiled, silently accepting her apology before turning to look at the plate of food. “Why don’t you eat as much as you can and I’ll finish the rest? We don’t have to tell your mum.”

Most people would think what Harry was doing was wrong, that he was encouraging her. However, forcing someone with an eating disorder to eat would only make them not want to even more. Getting Billie to even take a few bites was an accomplishment. Billie only managed to eat a third of the plate, but it was more than she’d eaten in a while. She wasn’t entirely sure what it was about Harry that made one; open up and two; actually eat something but she appreciated it. 

"You alright?" Harry asked when Billie put the plate down.

“I think so,” she nodded, “also, don’t let me use the bathroom for half an hour or I’ll purge.”

The two spoke for longer as Harry finished the food. Billie didn’t want to talk about herself anymore, so she asked Harry some questions. She asked why he went to therapy and he told her felt stupid because compared to her, his life was fine. Billie told him that wasn’t the case, that people handle things differently most of the time. It was stupid to invalidate someone’s mental health just because it’s not as obvious or as bad as yours.

Billie couldn’t remember the last time she’d got along with someone so well, it was like herself and Harry had been friends for ages. She hadn’t opened up to anyone since her ex-girlfriend, Willow. But she was gone and Billie only had her brother. Her parents were still bitter about her being bisexual and that put a strain on their relationship. Billie didn’t talk to them like how she used to.

“What are you thinking about?” Harry asked, noticing how she was zoning out.

“I don’t really know but thanks for caring. For listening, I guess. I haven’t really spoken about all on this since...”

“Since what?”

“My ex. She was the only person I could talk to besides Jacob because my parents hated me for being bi but when we broke up, I was alone again. So, yeah, thanks.”

Harry pulled his phone out of his back pocket and smiled. “Here, take my number so you can call or text me whenever you feel like shit. You won’t have to be alone anymore.”

“Harry, it’s okay. I don’t want to burden you with my teenage issues.”

“You won’t be a burden and this definitely isn’t just teenage issues. I mean it, I’ll be here for you.” He gave her his phone and she put her number in it with a small smile playing at her lips.

“Are you gonna message me whenever you feel like shit too? You know, I don’t want to just-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re not the only one feeling shitty.” Harry smirked, making Billie giggle - she can’t remember the last time she did that. “Told you that you good when you smile, keep it up.”

“Keep giving me reasons to smile and we won’t have a problem, will we?” She winked, only half joking. Neither of them were sure if this was considered flirting but they laughed and brushed it off.

“No, we won’t.”

***

Harry and Billie spoke for weeks after that. If one of them was ever feeling down, they kept their promise and texted the other. Billie had never had a friend like Harry, he always made sure she was okay. When it came to group therapy, they were always together. Billie still never said much, she didn’t want to... but she felt better within herself. She felt like she didn’t need this, because she had Harry. He was her therapy.

Everything was fine.

Until it wasn’t.

Harry hadn’t heard from Billie in days, which was weird because they spoke as often as they could. At first, he thought she might have been busy or maybe she just didn’t have her phone on her. Then he started to her worried. Billie’s phone was going straight to voicemail. Was it off? Dead? He needed to know. Truthfully, he had no right to feel this way. He’d known the nineteen year old all of three weeks and suddenly he felt like he needed to know everything about her.

He decided to wait until the next week of therapy, he thought that maybe she would show up and explain everything. But she didn’t. And Harry was really, really concerned. Showing up at her house may have been a bit too far but he didn’t know what else to do.

Knocking on the door, he was met with Jacob, who looked extremely confused. “Hey, Harry?”

“Hey, is Billie here?”

“Yeah, why?” Jacob didn’t know if he should tell him what was really going on (his parents always told him not to say anything), so he kept it vague.

“She didn’t show up at therapy today and she hasn’t answered any of my calls and texts, I was just wondering if she was alright?” Harry wasn’t sure if Jacob knew about his and Billie’s friendship, so he understood why he wouldn’t say anything.

“Yeah, she-“

“Jacob?” They both heard. Billie was stood at the top of the stairs with her duvet wrapped around her. Her hair was a mess, her lips were chapped and her under eyes were almost black... she looked like she hadn’t slept in years. “Oh. Hey.”

“Billie? What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

“Not really.” The young girl chuckled pathetically at herself. “You can come up if you want. J, go back to whatever it is you were doing, please.”

When the pair reached Billie’s room, it was a mess. There were clothes everywhere and her dresser was broken and the posters on the wall were ripped off. Harry was confused. He knew what depression was, he had it. However, he’d never known it to be like this. How depressed was she for her to trash her room? What kind of depression was it? Harry had so many questions.

“Sorry for the mess,” the younger girl muttered, kicking a pair of trousers out of the way as she went to sit on her best.

“I was, uh, you haven’t answered your phone at all.”

“Broke it,” she shrugged.

“What’s going on, B?” Harry asked and Billie could hear the concern in his voice.

Neither of them expected it, but Billie quite literally broke down. She tried not to think about it, she tried to distract herself. But having Harry ask her what’s wrong just... set her off. All Harry could do was hold her as she sobbed. They’d never been in this situation before, they’d hadn’t even known each other for a month... but Harry couldn’t let a young girl break down in front of him like that.

“I don’t know where it came from or what happened. I just- I was walking home with Jacob last week and we saw Willow and she- she was with someone.”

“With someone?”

Billie took a few minutes to calm herself down - to breathe. Harry sat there rubbing circles on her back and telling her to take her time. He knew what she meant. Her ex girlfriend had moved on and she’d seen it, that’s hard for anyone to see and even though Harry didn’t know the ins and outs, he knew Billie used to be (or still was) in love with her ex.

“They were holding hands, and Willow seemed really happy. Happier than I ever made her. I guess that’s fine, though. I’m happy for her, the girl was really pretty too.” Billie didn’t sound convincing at all. Not one bit.

“You aren’t happy for her,” Harry laughed, knowing how she felt.

“Like hell, I am. Hope they both choke.” They both laughed at this. Billie found it crazy how she could be sobbing one second then laughing the next with Harry but she didn’t mind. “No, but seriously. It was just difficult to see and I guess it triggered me. That used to be us, H. And I kept wondering why I’m like this. Why I have to be like this. You know, why can’t I just be fucking normal brought to keep someone around? I don’t know, it just really got to me. Now everything in my room is broken and my parents are gonna kill me when they get home from their work trip.”

“I know what you mean, it must have been really hard to see that.” Harry nodded, before his mind took him somewhere else. “You didn’t like... you know, hurt yourself or anything, did you?”

Billie panicked. She wanted to lie but for some reason she just couldn’t... not to Harry. “Please don’t.” Her voice was low again, she didn’t want to say it.

“Did you?”

“Yes,” the younger girl choked out but before Harry could say anything else, Billie got out of her bed and picked up a broke picture frame. “I think I should clean this shit up. You’re welcome to stay and help but if you don’t want to, you should probably go.”

“N-no, I’ll help.”

Harry didn’t push her any further. Instead, he helped her tidy up in silence. Billie’s room wasn’t small by any means, which meant they’d be there for a while. Neither of them really cared, Billie was happy to have someone around and Harry was happy to help.

[beautiful-aravis]

Worst Timing

Summary- you suffer from chronic migraines that get worse around your cycle. Natasha knows, Steve is slightly aware, but Bucky is clueless.

Fluff...all the fluff.

Note: I’m -heavily- medicated right now but I have this in my head and wanted to write something because it’s been years since I’ve worked on a fic. I’m just typing this on my phone because I can’t sit up at a computer. Please forgive my migraine and brain fog induced typos and rambling.

Warnings: swearing, chronic pain

—-

Fuck my life.... y/n thought as she curled up in a fetal position, thumb shoved into the corner of her eye in a futile attempt to relieve some of her pain. It had been ages since she’d had a migraine this bad. She’d even taken her medicine the night prior when she’d felt the migraine coming on, but over the night they’d work off, leaving her to awake in agony.

“Friday?” Y/n voice was scratchy and quiet but the AI still managed to register it.

“Yes Ms. Y/n? You do not appear to be well, shall I call someone to come assist you?”

“No...no don’t want anyone around, can you lower your volume please” she croaked out with a wince.

“Of course Ms. Y/n,” the AI replied and y/n sighed with relief. “What can I do for you?”

“Tell Steve and Natasha I can’t make it to training, and that I’m unavailable for missions for the time being. Let them know it’s m-protocol.” Y/n mumbled out.

“Of course, get some rest y/n.”

Y/n smiled, it was odd to receive comfort from a computer but the AI’s voice was so soft and gentle it actually did make her feel better—slightly.

A few months ago, y/n suffered a severe migraine attack while on a mission with Natasha and Steve that nearly ended in disaster. The headache caused her vision to fail and left her completely defenseless. Had she been alone she’d have been captured or killed but with the help of Nat and Steve, she’d made it out alive, Steve half carrying her to the quinjet for extraction. As soon as that migraine dissipated the three of them came up with what was known as m-protocol.

If y/n had a migraine, she was not to be in the field, nor was she to train until 24 hours after she was symptom free. It was just too dangerous to her and to the others in the field relying on her to do her part.

Bucky, however, was newly released for field missions and wasn’t aware of this strange new protocol. When y/n didn’t show for training that morning, he was irritated. He didn’t like his time being wasted. After an hour of waiting, Bucky let out an exasperated sigh and left the gym, stomping and throwing the door open a bit harder than necessary.

“Friday?” He asked once he was in the elevator. “Where is y/n?”

“She is in her room and has initiated m-protocol.”

M-protocol? That was a new one for him. “What the hell is ‘m-protocol?’”

“I’m not authorized to say.”

“Fine, take me to her floor.” Bucky grumbled. Y/n had some explaining to do. If he found her skipping out on training for some bullshit reason he had no problem getting Steve involved.

Bucky and y/n didn’t have the best of starts. Rarely agreeing on anything, their arguments spanned from whining about movie choices on group nights to butting heads over mission plans. Steve had tried forcing them to be partners on missions hoping that forcing them to rely on one another might break their aversion to one another but so far that had proven unsuccessful. His last thought was to have them train together and this morning was to be their first session one on one.

When Bucky reaches y/n’s floor, he pounded on her door with his fist. “Y/l/n! Do you know what time it is? I’ve been waiting for you for an hour!” He shouted.

Y/n whimpered and covered her ears at the loud noise, tears threatening to fall from the sudden spike in pain from Bucky’s commotion. ‘Fuck shit fuck!’ She moaned. She’d completely forgotten she wasn’t training with Steve today, that it was bucky. Y/n couldn’t move, couldn’t shout, to tell bucky to leave her be for now, that she’d explain later. An intense wave of nausea hit from her sudden pain spike and y/n found herself rushing to her bathroom.

She vomited until she had nothing left in her stomach, and continued to dry heave when she heard Bucky pouring on her door again.

“Y/l/n! Open the damn door, I know you’re in there!” He was pissed, he didn’t like his time being wasted and he sure as hell didn’t like being ignored. He stilled when he heard a whimper, tilting his head to the side to listen more closely. “Y/n?” He called, the anger was still evident in his tone but concern was ebbing it’s way in as well. “Friday, open the door” Bucky said, having enough of whatever was happening.

“I’m sorry mr. Barnes but I cannot do that without permission from Ms. Y/n or an authorized override.” Bucky grit his teeth, “yea, authorized override, got it..” he mumbled and grabbed the doorknob with his left hand, yanking it clean off of its frame. “Y/n?” He called. The suite was completely dark, blackout curtains keeping the early morning light from shining in, and every light was off.

He heard another moan and moved quickly to follow the sound. He quickly found y/n with her forehead pressed against the cool porcelain of the toilet, tear streaks down her face.

“Y/n what happened? You sick?” Bucky asked now suddenly very uncertain about his presence in y/n’s apartments.

“M-protocol” was all she could mumble.

“Yea, so Friday said but what the hell is that? It’s not a standing protocol that I was made aware of,” irritation creeped back into his voice. “I swear if you missed our session because you’re hungover I’ll..”

“Migraine Bucky...migraine protocol,” y/n said leaning back, the cool tile soothing some of her nausea. “Could you please lower your voice? Or better yet just leave?”

Bucky stood there, watching as y/n put pressure against her brow bone and in her ear in a futile attempt to relieve the pain.

“Do you...uh...do you need anything?” He asked looking for his escape. He felt foolish and just wanted to leave this embarrassment behind.

“No,” y/n muttered and stood up. She immediately lost her balance and barely caught herself on the sink. Bucky reached out to steady her as she took a step and nearly walked into the door frame.

“You need help, I should take you to the med wing,” he said preparing to call their on site medical team to let them know y/n was coming.

“No, there’s nothing they can do. No major interventions for migraines anymore...stupid new medical guidelines.”

“There’s got to be something..” he started but y/n shook her head.

“There isn’t. Just—get me to my bed and get my medicine and leave me be for a day or two.” She sighed, walking blindly as Bucky guided her, keeping her from collapsing again or running into a wall.

“Which medicine?” He asked. Y/n pointed for 4 bottles on her dresser.

“One from the big bottle, one from each medium bottle and 2 from the small bottle.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows and did as y/n asked, bringing her the 5 pills and watching as she downed them all at once with a big gulp of water.

“Thanks, if you’d bring me a can of soda from my fridge before you leave I’d appreciate it...” she whispered as she curled into a fetal position under her covers once again.

Bucky watched her, eyes softening at the pain she was so obviously in. She looked helpless and sounded hopeless. He quietly retrieved a can of soda for her, opened it and set it next to y/n who mumbled a thank you.

He looked towards her bedroom door and then back at his teammate. With a shake of his head he sighed and shut the door quietly before sitting on the bed next to y/n.

Without a word, he rolled her over and put his metal hand along her next, the cool metal providing some relief. He replace her fingers with his over her pressure points.

Before y/n could question Bucky shushed her. “I’m not leaving you like this, you’re going to run into something or fall over or god knows what.” He grumbled, trying to sound irritated.

“Thank you,” y/n whispered, the relief from Bucky’s hand and fingers working on her head making her sleepy. The meds would kick in soon, she knew that, and when they did she wouldn’t be able to walk steadily. They were too strong on an empty stomach but she had no other choice.

For now, she’d just accept the fact that this man who drove her crazy was giving her more pain relief than she’d experienced during a migraine in a very long time.

—

Interested in a part 2? This was far from my best writing but hey, I’m in the middle of a migraine, couldn’t sleep, and my meds make me crazy loopy. Let me know what you think! Your feedback gives me motivation to write!

[gaiatheorist]

Three years in.

Three years ago today, I had a catastrophic brain haemorrhage. I still don’t know which parts of my brain were crushed by the various fluids, which cells were obliterated, and which have just been damaged, and left to re-route. The reason that I don’t know is that nobody has told me, I’ll make a sweeping assumption that they don’t really know, either. Of course they ‘know’ which sections of my brain the tangles of metal wires are plugging up vascular abnormalities in, and what functions those locations usually govern, but it’s brain surgery, isn’t it, there’s no point trying to explain it to the likes of me. (Mini rage-spike, when I eventually did see the Consultant, he opened the discussion with “You were very poorly, and you had an operation.”, he never spoke to me like that again. Come to think of it, he barely spoke to me again at all.)  

Welcome to the world of ‘nobody knows’. I’m in a particularly vile mood today, sometimes it feels more like ‘nobody cares’, when I’m dismissed with “You were lucky to survive.”, and “Some people don’t come through as well as you have.” Grown men (all of my medics are male), trotting out the ‘starving African children’ at meal-times. It’s not a helpful angle to approach it from, however ‘functional’ we appear, we’re grieving for part of ourselves that has been lost, telling us “Worse things happen at sea!” just compounds the survivor-guilt in some of us. My Consultant is dismissive, my poor GPs are clueless, and I’m floating somewhere in the middle, trying to navigate through obfuscated systems and processes. With brain damage.

I know that some people have a greater degree of deficit than I do, and I also know that some of my behaviours and adaptations have been ‘the opposite of helpful’, to coin one of my son’s phrases. I have had a headache since mid February 2015, it has never gone away. In the hospital, I learned to stagger my pain medication, to make sure the morphine was the only thing they had left to give me just before visiting time. Out of the hospital, I was pretty much rattling like a junkie for the next dose of codeine, even for the paracetamol that barely touched the edges of the pain. You-know-who controlled my medication, much as he controlled everything else, my son and I had laboriously worked out a schedule for the dosages, to give me fairly consistent analgesia, interspersed with the medication to protect my stomach-lining, and the one to reduce the risk of vaso-spasm and seizures. The ex took the paper away from us, and re-did the schedule, programming the alarms into his mobile phone, for complete control. He also told me “If you start with a migraine, I am taking you to hospital, if you won’t get in the car, I will strap you to the roof-rack.” It took me about a week and a half to start concealing the pain, because I couldn’t stand the way he was in complete control over me. The pain is still there.

Different people have different thresholds for pain tolerance, and I caught myself being very unkind, and very judgemental/assumptive about a complete stranger’s pain the other day. “Oh, for goodness’ sake, grow up, and get on with it!”, just like the medics did with me. At least I didn’t ‘say’ it, I just thought it. ‘Get on with it’ is the reason I’m in the mess I’m in now, and I am still genuinely struggling with my decision to ‘put on a brave face’ and such. Nobody wants to tell you that you’ll NEVER be ‘back to normal’, medics tell you that *symptoms* ‘should resolve in time’, and, faced with the “Oh, you were so LUCKY! You must have a guardian angel!” claptrap, it’s easier not-to-mention that you don’t feel lucky at all, that you’re having to juggle ‘normal’ life with a brain that isn’t ‘normal’ any more. Even on the brain injury forum I drop into from time to time, ‘we’ are caged-cautious, none of us living with brain injuries want to scare off the newbies with “You’re not going to ‘get back to normal’, suck it up.” Guilty of that myself, “You will find ways to work around it.”, and “It’s early days, yet, this isn’t your end-product.” 

I ‘caught’ myself being unkind, and I didn’t do more than shake my head and ‘tut’ at the woman’s post. She’s a little over 2 weeks post brain surgery, and she has a headache. Suck it up, buttercup, mine didn’t go away. I have no time for whiners and whingers, that faux-frail thing that some people do when they’re ill makes my teeth itch, but brain surgery, and brain injuries are scary. They’re Big Deals, not everyone is an idiot-like-me who just tries to keep going. I’ve normalised there always being some part of me either hurting, or not working properly, or both, some days it’s a headache-spike, some days it’s numbness, tingling, or shooting pain in various body-parts. Some days the cognitive fatigue hits hard, and I’ll ‘lose’ hours, just staring into space, because I can’t remember what I was supposed to be doing. I have to juggle my available energy, and make sure that anything that needs doing is done early in the day, after realising that I’m really not all that safe most evenings. That’s a kick in the tits when the boy is here, because the mumbling-zombie in the chair probably reminds him of the state I was in in the ambulance. It’s also an issue when he’s not here, and I don’t respond to messages, because I’m either asleep, or I can’t see the screen properly. 

Everything is weird, now, literally everything. I’m boring myself. 3 years ago, I almost died. I didn’t die, and I have no intention of doing so any time soon.

[ledenews]

Kat Lucas - One Step at a Time

If you’re inclined to believe in the concept of karma, then Kat Lucas’ karma train is long overdue at the station. And when it pulls in, it best be hauling a Powerball jackpot-sized chest of cold hard cash. There should be enough she can swim in it. It would only be fair. For the last five years, Lucas has been the winner of the “statistical anomaly sweepstakes” for medical issues, and certainly not in a good way. In a study cited by the American Heart Association, from 2009-2012, females aged 20-39 who suffered a stroke made up only 0.7 percent of the population. Lucas had two, on the same day, when she was 35. One minor, and one major. Then, less than a year later, just as she was nearing full recovery, two more happened. So, for those who are counting, that’s four before the age of 37. What eventually was determined as the cause of Lucas’ problems as a carotid web, a type of fibromuscular dysplasia (FMD). FMD occurs in only 0.3-3 percent of strokes in the cervico-encephalic arteries. So, a rarity, wrapped inside a rarity. How does one get so “lucky?” Fortunately for the former Kat Stewart, a multi-sport athlete at Bridgeport High School, she has the loving support of her husband and family, and a wicked sense of humor, both about her struggles and life in general. A former employee of Peterson Rehabilitation Hospital, Lucas has four degrees in various medical disciplines, ranging from associate to bachelor. She looks forward to the day she can return to the working world but is thankful for each day she can arise and push forward. For a time, she wasn’t sure if that was going to be a possibility. Fiercely independent, Lucas was faced with the possibility of having to rely on others for her care for the rest of her life. So, you can forgive her a little cathartic humor now and again when it comes to her situation and the world around her.

On good days, Lucas likes to get out with her friends and enjoy herself socially. She does her best to return to a sense of normalcy.

How old where you when you had your first stroke and where were you when it happened?

I was 35 years old when I had my first two. The first one happened in Dr. Blatt’s office. They rushed me over to the ER at OVMC and 20 minutes later, I had a massive stroke. Within a half hour, they were flying me by helicopter to Pittsburgh and Allegheny General Hospital.

Given your young age when it happened, what were your thoughts initially after the stroke and during rehab? How long did it take to relearn everything the first time and how difficult was that both mentally and physically?

I didn’t know what was going to happen. I had no movement on my left side. It was completely paralyzed. Ninety-five percent of the right side of my brain was affected. My speech was impaired. The neurologist that came into my room after reading my MRI said I'm lucky to be alive. I should have been dead. That being said, I knew I couldn't give up. I did not want to be put in a nursing home. I got admitted into ICU and I laid there for three days just concentrating on trying to get movement in my leg and arm. It took about 72 hours before I was able to walk again and it took about two months before I was able to lift my arm without any trouble. I had extensive outpatient therapy at Peterson Rehab Hospital. And then at home I would spend about 16 hours a day doing therapy exercises. Every day I told myself I was a day closer to getting back to normal.

The scan of Lucas' brain shows the amount of damage to the one hemisphere following her stroke.

Explain a bit about the condition and did they diagnose that after the first stroke. Was it tough on you mentally while getting back to some sense of normal?

I was diagnosed with a carotid web, but nothing was done about it and they left my strokes as reason unknown. It was beyond stressful both mentally and physically. In the worst way possible, you go from being independent to being dependent on someone else to do a lot for you, every day, all day long, and the frustration that comes in when you’re mentally stressed because you’re worried about if you’re being a burden to others because they have to pretty much help you with everything. What's exceptionally hard is the fact that I used to be so intelligent. I'm still smart, but I can no longer explain things the way I used to. I don't always comprehend things and a lot of people think I'm normal but I'm really not. I try to say, "Hey I'm not the person I used to be." I'm not making excuses. It's just is what it is.

How close getting back to full functionality were you when the next ones happened? How many total and how do you adjust your life knowing another is possible? Do anything different or choose to push on as usual despite the possibilities?

About eight months later and through a lot of blood, sweat and tears, I was almost back to normal by age 36. The morning of November 24, I woke up around 3:30 a.m. because I didn’t eat the night before. So, I had a Mountain Dew, a Reese’s Cup, and laid back down and went to sleep. Around 7:30 a.m., I got back up with my husband as he was leaving to go help a friend. I noticed a change in my speech, but really couldn’t figure it out and I just brushed it off. I laid back down but couldn’t stop thinking about why my speech sounded different. Then it hit me. I hurried up and picked up my phone and tried to smile in front of the camera, only to realize my left side of my face was not moving. I instantly started crying. They told me this was not going to happen again. I had a better chance of winning the lottery than having another stroke. I called my husband and told him what happened and then called an ambulance, which took me to Wheeling Medical Park. The ER doctor called my neurologists at Allegheny General Hospital and said to get me up there as soon as possible. I arrived at Allegheny General Hospital within about an hour and a half and my doctors met me in the ER room and he told me the carotid web in my right carotid artery was what caused all the strokes … the next day they were planning on doing the surgery. All of a sudden, my arm fell off the table and I didn’t feel right. I had another stroke.  I was rushed downstairs to a cat scan and by the time I got back to the room, they decided to take me back downstairs for a thrombectomy. I was awake through the whole procedure and it was very painful. They removed two large clots and I was taken to ICU. I’ve had to adjust my life because this last stroke affected me worse than the first three together. My brain lags worse than it ever did, and I have a lot of trouble remember things. I’m not bouncing back the way I did when the first massive one hit. I'm at my four-month mark right now and I'm so far from where I want to be. I was able to have the surgery on December 30th, 2019. This carotid web was removed. It's known as atypical fibromuscular dysplasia which is a rare disease. It was pretty much like a ligament was growing in my carotid artery but since removal I have had no symptoms that I've had over the last several years of which consists of hemiplegic migraine strokes which started to plague me back in 2014. So, right now, I'm just living life to the fullest and hoping I continue to stay symptom-free and stroke free. I have to be constantly monitored to make sure that the carotid web does not grow back.

Kat Lucas is pictured with her husband Tim, whom she credit with being her rock through this ordeal.

You were married in 2017. Does having a spouse and a closer support system make it any easier for you? What advice would you give people battling through similar or equally difficult situations?

I got married in 2017 to my husband Tim, who has been my rock through all of this. Having a great support system makes it a lot easier and bearable. The therapists from Peterson Rehabilitation Hospital, Case, Cierra, Emily, Ted, Kristen, and I see Nicole and Brooke at Wheeling. They have played a huge role in my recovery. My whole mentality through this whole ordeal has been that people go through way worse every day and my situation could be way worse still. I could be stuck in a bed somewhere. So, my advice for anyone going through a similar situation is to never give up fighting, as frustrating as it may be sometimes. Try not to let the depression kick in and try to keep a positive attitude. Read the full article

[xadoheandterra]

Mimneskesthai - Misrecollect - Amnesia pt 2

Series:  Mimneskesthai Title: Misrecollect Chapter: Amnesia pt 2 (1 | 3 | 4 | 5 | AO3) (Hypomnesia) Fandom: Red vs Blue Characters: Alpha AI, Church, Tucker Story Summary: Church blamed his faulty memory on the head injury. Everything was all mixed up. He’s pretty sure he’s got the most important bits down now; if only Captain Flowers would stop asking. Honestly it’s like Agent Florida—Flowers—Florida?—thought Church would give him away.

Oh.

Oh.

Well this explained a lot.

.

Wherein Alpha’s memories are even more of a mess than previously thought.

a·mnesia – n. modern latin               1. loss of a large block of interrelated memories; complete or partial loss of memory caused by brain injury, shock, etc.               2. loss of memory from –               a- – prefix; latin                             1. Not               -mnesia – suffix; latin                             1. (condition or type of) memory               from –                             a·mnesia – n. greek                                           1. forgetfulness

Church grimaced as he leaned his head back at the kitchen table with a faint groan. His head hurt again, and the world felt just a little bit set to the side and off balance. It was like a disconnect between mind and body—a few seconds delay that he barely noticed but there enough to cause him a migraine. Flowers claimed it to be a side effect of his head injury from a few days ago and that the confusion, headaches, and other issues would clear up soon. They couldn’t clear up damn soon enough. Church hated feeling like this—not all there, like some part of him was missing.

“Dude, another migraine?” Tucker questioned as he plopped down next to Church with a steaming mug of coffee. Church grunted. “You know we should really call in a medic. Are we sure Flowers is even certified to check you out?”

“Fffffuck you,” Church flopped forward and pressed his head against the cool metal of the table.

“I’m serious man,” Tucker grumbled. “I don’t know how you can trust him. He’s creepy.”

Church snorted. “That’s an understatement, asshole, and who said I trust him?” Didn’t he? Church frowned against the throbbing of his head. Flowers was trustworthy, right? Some part of Church knew him but he couldn’t remember for the life of him from where. He knew Flowers would keep him safe from—what? Church sighed. He hated this.

“Dude you listen to his every word,” Tucker pointed out. “Like how is that not fucking trust?”

“He’s a superior officer dickface,” Church mumbled. “Hafta listen.”

“That don’t mean shit,” Tucker snorted. “Are you sayin’ you’d listen if Cappy asked you to shoot yourself in the head?”

Church huffed, paused to think about it, then questioningly mumbled, “…no?”

“Seriously?!” Tucker gaped, open mouthed as he held his mug in his hand. “What the fuck, man.”

“I don’t know, Tucker, what do you want me to say?” Church growled and pulled his head up. He gave Tucker a baleful stare. “I can barely remember the past few days—I don’t know if I’d listen or not!” A part of him said he would if it was an order. A part of him noted that if Flowers honestly thought—and his head throbbed and Church groaned; thoughts scattered away. “Fuck.”

Tucker sighed. “I’ll go get the aspirin.”

“Thanks man.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Tucker waved his hand dismissively as he headed toward the cupboard. “I’ve got a sister with chronic migraines; I get you.”

“You’re still an asshole, asshole,” Church mumbled as Tucker returned with the pills and a glass of water.

“And you’re still a whiny bitch, bitch,” Tucker shot back with a grin. Despite their rather rough start and Church’s complaints that he hated Tucker the black man quickly settled himself in the ‘useful’ category of Church’s brain.

Tucker handed over the pills and the glass of water and watched as Church downed both and then sat back down to his own mug of coffee. “Where is Flowers anyway?” Tucker asked as he took a sip and Church settled his head back down against the table.

“Dunno,” Church mumbled. “Reporting in I guess?”

Tucker snorted. “About what? Those idiots over at Red Base don’t do anything.”

“Don’t get why we don’t just kill them and take the base,” Church grumbled. “We could take them.”

“Pff, Flowers and I could take them maybe,” Tucker chuckled. “You?”

“Shut up, jerkface. This is just temporary.”

“Mmm.”

Tucker eyed Church while Church just breathed and waited for the aspirin to kick in. After a moment of companionable silence Tucker spoke up again. “You ever realize how creepy Flowers is?”

Church sighed and mumbled, “…Cappy.”

“Yeah, that.” Tucker blew on is coffee and took another sip. “Creepy.” He shuddered theatrically and Church laughed softly.

“I know,” Church mumbled, “but he’s…always been that way? Eccentric I think they called it. Fuck if I know. He’s just weird.”

“Understatement,” Tucker sang with a faint grin. “How long have you know him anyway? I don’t think I ever asked.”

Church frowned in thought and tried to put a number to the time he’s spent with Flowers. The only part he could conclusively remember was the past several days since he woke up from the head injury—coma—thing. There was some sort of vague recollection of knowing Flowers from before—but the exact amount of time eluded him.

“…years?” Church eventually said questioningly. “A while,” he said conclusively. Tiredly Church raised his head—he was always so tired. He just wanted to sleep. Tucker raised an eyebrow.

“What you’ve been in this shithole for years?” Tucker said incredulously.

“Nah,” Church waved a hand dismissively. “I was at Sidewinder first.” That was right, wasn’t it? They’d come from Sidewinder to here, and then Church hit his head, right? That sounded about right, Church thought, but something felt wrong. Wasn’t he at Sidewinder? “And…somewhere else? Fuck I don’t know, it’s been a damn while okay? Sheesh, what’s with the fucking questions anyway?”

Tucker snorted. “Do you want to talk about the Reds?”

“No?”

“How about the dirt? Or the lack of decent chicks?”

Church dropped his head back to the table; it landed a bit harder than he wanted and rattled his brain. “Ow,” Church mumbled, and then hissed as his head throbbed.

“Maybe you should go lay down?” Tucker pointed out. He sounded concerned. Church twisted his head to check Tucker’s face. Yeah, the guy was concerned.

“Yeah,” Church said distantly. Laying down sounded like a good idea. He was so fucking tired. Church climbed to his feet and waved. Without a word he left the kitchen and fumbled his way to his own bunk. Since there were just three of them on the base they each got their own rooms, which Church appreciated. He had enough problems with his own head to worry about some other asshole’s habits on top of things.

Church wondered where he knew Flowers from. It’d probably bug him until he remembered. With a tired sigh Church climbed into bed and tugged the covers up over his head. He drifted off with thoughts of snow and Tex and Jimmy and Flowers swirling through his head.

[sorceressmidnight]

Midnight Sorceress

Chapter: 2/? [1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - ?]

Chapter 2: You’re Gonna Get Yourself Killed

Words: 2265

Warnings: Some cursing, mentioning depression and medication

Primarily following the events of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it revolves around an original character.

Description as posted on ao3:  A member of SHIELD is forced to struggle with her mental stability and keeping her secret as the craziness surrounding the Avengers crashes around her. She ends up befriending Tony and Pepper, who help out her mental health a great deal, but will they be able to help her with her secret? Something that could destroy her if she uses it too much… What will happen when Tony tries to convince her to use it to help the Avengers?

Read on ao3: here

Tags: @txnystarkimagines @h0bsyrup

Hit me up if you want to be tagged in future chapters.

This chapter takes place a bit before, during, and a bit after Iron Man 3.

Kiana pulled her hair behind her ear as she stared at the door quietly, sighing and lifting her hand to knock against it anxiously; she wondered if he would even answer. There was a minute or so of silence before she could hear shuffling inside and footsteps towards the door. It opened up to a disheveled Tony Stark, but not in the ‘I just had sex’ way she might have expected. He didn’t look like he had just woken up from a night of fun or the likes, but rather… he looked almost… afraid? Her chest tightened, recognizing the oh so familiar look immediately. “Hello? Oh… Hi.” “Kiana.” “Hm?” he questioned quickly. “My name is Kiana. Everyone calls me Kiki.” “Oh… Well, what brings you here, Kiki?” he seemed to straighten himself up a bit as she stood there, brushing through his hair with his fingers and adjusting his shirt so it fit on him a little better. “I was hoping that maybe I could sit down and talk?” She offered a small smile, fidgeting with the edge of her shirt. “Sure, but I dunno what you’d wanna talk to me about.” He held his arm out, gesturing for her to come inside, letting her walk in first before closing the door. She made her way over to the couch and sat down, patiently waiting for him. Tony put himself down in a chair across from her, leaning forward a bit while resting his hands in his lap. “So…” she began, extending the length of the sounds for both the s and o. “So.” “What’s up?” That was the dumbest question she could have asked at the current moment in time. It didn’t relate to anything she actually wanted to talk about, let alone give any sort of actual reasoning as to why she came. A heavy sigh heaved from her chest, licking her bottom lip as she struggled to form her thoughts into audible words. Her brows knitted together, opening her mouth a couple of times only to close it once again. “Do you know what a panic attack is?” she finally managed to get out. His own brows arched slightly as her eyes met with his, pursing his lips in brief thought, “You mean… like when people start to freak out… and rock back and forth? Screaming or crying kind of thing…?” “That’s the neurotypical way to talk about it, Tony,” she gave a soft smile, “panic and anxiety attacks are different per person. For instance... some people end up crying uncontrollably, struggling to breathe, shaking, chest tightening, while their thoughts are racing yet not making any sense. While for some… they struggle to move, the world seems like a blur, slurred speech, nothing happened but everything’s wrong... ” Her words held a certain tone to them, swallowing harshly as she avoided eye contact with him. “That sounds like it’s from personal experience,” he said, his tone a bit softer than his normal snarky one. She sighed, looking back in his direction, “Yes. I personally experience panic attacks, as well as anxiety attacks. Let me tell you, just the two different emotions cause severely different reactions… The first I described was how I experience a panic attack… while the second is how I experience an anxiety attack...” He paused, staring down at his hands and taking a minute to think over what she had explained to him. It… sounded so familiar, but different. What she said resonated with him on a level he didn’t expect it to. “I’m sorry…” he finally responded. “For what?” “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through something to cause that…” “It kind of happens when you experience trauma… One thing that’s caused mine have been near death experiences… So I… I kind of know how you might feel…” she gave an awkward smile. “To be fair, I’m sorry for what you’ve been through… I know you’ve lost a lot and almost died a number of times… Aside from my near death experiences… I’ve had a decent life growing up, but I know no matter how hard you try, mental problems tear you up without hesitation.” “I see… What’s all this about, though?” he asked, curious to get down to the point. She was here for a reason, but he wanted to know why. “I guess... I just wanted to let you know that you have someone to talk to when you’re feeling overwhelmed… I’m not a therapist, but I am a good listener.” “Well,” Tony began, standing up, “I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t need it. If I do, I’ll keep that in mind.” He extended out his hand, offering to help her up as he added in, “In the meantime, care for lunch?” “At least you’ll consider it,” she sighed. She reached up and took his offer, pulling herself to her feet. “Lunch sounds great,” she smiled.

I… I tried talking to Tony, but he’s definitely not willing to open up and talk about his problems… not yet, at least… I just hope he realizes he needs to talk to someone about all of this before something stupid happens, since that seems to be a common theme with him… I suppose I’ll have to keep an eye on him for the time being, just to see how he’s faring...

It was shortly after Tony taunted the Mandarin on television, giving out his home address that he received a call from an unfamiliar number. “Hello, I don’t remember giving my number out to blocked ID.” His tone was snarkier than normal, a little more than annoyed at the current moment. “Oh shut it with the snarkiness, Tony! Why the hell did you give out your address like that?! I’ve already set up a safe house for you and Pepper to go to, and I’ll be sending an agent to come help with picking up your things!” her tone was mostly annoyed, with undertones of concern. “Don’t even bother, Kiana,” he grunted, clearly annoyed, “I’m not leaving and that’s final.” “You’re going to get yourself killed, you stupid piece of--” *click* He put his phone on silent, rolling his eyes and continuing his drive home.

Kiana glared forward, mouth agape as she was in the midst of talking, anger boiling inside of her veins. She gripped her phone tightly and threw it against the nearby couch, letting out a muffled scream. “That stupid little… AUGH. I’m gonna kick his snarky little prideful ass from California all the way to New York!!!”

I haven’t heard from Tony since the phone call, but I’ve been paying close attention to everything revolving around him. Dummy always rushes off when his emotions get the better of him. I just hope that he doesn’t do anything to get Pepper in serious trouble, or anyone else for that matter. I hope he comes to his senses soon…

“I’ve been getting migraines since I’ve been on these new pills… Do you think I should get that checked out?” Kiana rubbed her forehead, taking a pain reliever with water. “That depends, is it a serious side effect of the pills?” Sammy mumbled while munching on a strawberry. “I dunno.” “You should see if it is, if it isn’t serious I’m sure it’ll go away. If it’s not a side effect at all, you might wanna go in. Strawberry?” Kiana sighed and took the fruit that had been offered, biting down into half of it as she silently contemplated on what to do. There was a short pause as the two sat in silence, thinking or reading over their own different things. “What’re the pills for?” Sammy finally piped up again. “Depression.” She sighed. “About time. I thought I was going to have to bathe you in alcohol.” “Shut up,” she rolled her eyes, “I was forced to go on a temporary leave after pushing myself too far mentally. I saw a psychiatrist and I’m now in therapy. I just… never had time before.” Sammy sat up and shoved another strawberry into Kiana’s mouth, “bullshit. You were just afraid to get help.” Kiana coughed and struggled to swallow the strawberry, “so are cough you!” “... That’s different.” “You don’t have to be afraid of him…” “I’m not afraid! He’s my dad! I have to listen to what he says!” “Sammy…” Before Sammy had a chance to respond to her, there was a knock on the door. Kiana sighed and stood up, walking over to the door and opening it. On the other side of it was a messy Tony, not disheveled and stressed out like the last time she saw him. “Can we talk?” his eyes peered in towards Sammy then back at Kiana, suggesting they go somewhere else. “Uhm… sure…” she quickly told Sammy that she would be back a bit later, getting a raised eyebrow from her in response. She then turned back towards Tony and walked out the door, closing it behind her and falling him towards somewhere with more privacy. The walk was silent as he led her to another room, Tony flippin on the light and swiftly closing the door and blinds. “I didn’t know we were on these terms,” she half joked, trying to break through the awkward silence. “You were right,” he responded rather quickly with a sigh, “what I did was incredibly stupid and I almost lost Pepper. Both you and Pepper wanted me to leave, but I was too stubborn to agree. I-I…” She gently put a hand on his shoulder, looking up at him with a soft smile, “You didn’t lose Pepper. I think this is just a harsh lesson that needed to be learned. I know you’re never going to be done with the tinkering, but… maybe just take it a step down on the reckless behavior. Use this,” she poked his head, “to reason out this.” She lightly pressed her hand over his heart. “I guess you’re right… Maybe I should take you guys out for dinner.” “So Pepper and I can make fun of you?” He pursed his lips in thought, laughing softly, “Maybe not then.” “I’m kidding! I dunno about Pepper, but I am always on my best behavior,” she stroke an ‘innocent’ pose causing him to shake his head and laugh. “Alright, alright. I’ll send someone to pick you up later,” he opened the door of the room and offered for her to exit first. She strode up to the doorway, stumbling a little, Tony catching her before she had a chance to fall. “You okay?” his brows arched, looking down at her concernedly. “Yeah… I’m just on some new medication. I always get a little weird when I start something new…” “Alright… Just make sure you take care of yourself, got it? We’ll need you around if the world needs saving again.” He winked at her, forcing her to stare quietly at him. The twinkle in his eyes made her realize as she gently punched his chest. “You did not!” “I did. You didn’t strike me as British… or blonde for that matter.” “Oh god, shut up. We’re not talking about that ever again, got it?” She grunted and stood up straight, leaving the room. “How much can you drink before you get drunk?” “I don’t drink, Tony, nice try.” “Really? You should try it makes my life a lot more tolerable,” he chuckled as he closed the door behind him. He walked her back to where she was hanging with her friend before messing her hair up before reminding her of when she needed to be ready by to be picked up. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, dad,” she scoffed, stifling a giggle. “That kind of talk is saved for the bedroom, so~ unless you want to convince Pepper to try being poly…--” “Stop. Anyway, go on before I kink shame you.” She held her hands up in an attempt to shoo him. “So rude, I wouldn’t kink shame you.” “You’ll never know my kinks, so that’s fine.” With each response, Tony got a little further down the hallway, until he finally said “Challenge accepted, then!” from the other end of the hall. This only caused her to shake her head, murmuring ‘oh my god’ under her breath. She went back in the room to find three pizzas on the table with one open next to Sammy, a few slices missing. “Who is buying this time?” she sighed, knowing that she probably spent around thirty to forty bucks. Sammy looked at the card, squinting to read it. “Robert Smith. Remember when I went to the store yesterday? Yeaahh.” “You make a decent amount of money… I have no idea why you feel the need to steal.” “Iunno,” she shrugged, “Two of those are for you, though. Some for now and some for later. I got your favorite~” “That’s like four meals for me.” “Then some for breakfast and lunch tomorrow. Anyway, I heard you’re going on a date with Tony?” Her brows arched, munching on the slice that was currently in her hand. “You said you couldn’t stand him.” “Ohmahgod. First of all, how dare you. Secondly, he’s taken. Third of all, he’s old enough to be my dad. Fourth, well… he’s not a terrible person…” “Hey, ya never know. I know a lot of people younger than you who wanna do all sorts of crazy things with Thor, who’s even older than Tony.” “We’re through with this conversation, Sammy,” before the other could respond, a different piece of pizza floated into her mouth and successfully stopped her from talking for a short while.

[raybansandcoffee]

In the Heat of Los Angeles - Chapter Seventeen: The Drugs Don’t Work (The Verve)

If you need to catch up on the first sixteen chapters of ITHOLA you can find them HERE.

A little bit of an advance author’s note: This chapter does contain discussion of and use of medical cannabis. I wanted to provide a brief warning of that. The author’s note at the end of the chapter will discuss that in greater length. I hope you read it with an open mind and I can’t wait to hear your thoughts when you’ve read the entire chapter. Thanks! xx AM.

I woke up at 2:00 in a cold sweat. It was rare that in the middle of the night I gravitated towards Harry. He was so warm in his sleep that he usually made me too hot if I was in pajamas. I’d used this to rationalize the fact that both of us were often in various states of undress while we slept. But here I was in a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt snuggled up against him. I knew I needed water so I stood up and attempted to walk to the bathroom but had grown extremely dizzy and had to hold onto the sink. When I flipped the light on to get a glass of water and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit.

I knew what this meant. The dizziness. The clammy skin. The need for Harry’s body heat. My pupils were dilated. There was a pain behind my left eye that felt like a gremlin had crawled into my head and was trying to make it’s way out by pushing on the back of my eyeball. The wave of nausea hit me like a Mack truck and I was immediately on the floor emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I flushed the toilet and laid down on the cool marble floor.

“Evie,” Harry called.

“Yes,” I groaned from my spot on the floor.

“Are you okay?”

“Umm, that depends on your definition of okay.” I heard him laugh.

“What are you doing?” I saw him in his boxers standing in the doorway of the bathroom looking at me on the floor. He looked as if he wasn’t sure if he should feel bad or laugh because I really was sprawled on the floor cuddling the tile.

“Laying on the floor. It’s cold.”

“You were cuddling me pretty closely. I figured you were cold, now you need cold?”

“Yeah.”

“Did I hear you throw up in here?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sick? Did I mess up dinner?” It was cute, the look on his face. The fear that he’d called my Nonna, gotten the recipe for the love parm, cooked it and given me food poisoning.

“Dinner was perfect. This…this is stress induced.” I held up my hand pointing at my laying on the ground. “It’s a migraine.”

“Do you need me to do anything for you?”

“Will you look in my suitcase? There should be a bag with prescription bottles.” He hurried to the closet and I heard him digging through my suitcase until I heard the bag of prescription bottles. I sat up and threw up again as he came back into the bathroom.

“I’ve got your bag. I’m worried, are you okay?”

“Yeah, this happens sometimes. Can you get me water?” He filled the glass he kept on the sink for me with water as I dug through my bag. I hadn’t really let him in on this side of my life. The pills were all taken when he wasn’t around so I didn’t look like a drug addict, the reality was a girl with some of the issues I had needed a bag filled with pills. My Mom had alluded to Harry about my therapist and I always made jokes about it, mainly because I didn’t know a lot of people in Los Angeles who didn’t have a therapist on speed dial. I also had all of the vitamins and supplements that I’d been told would give me the energy and stamina to make it through my life. There was something to help me sleep. Something to help me if I was stressed out. Something to help the migraines and a few different pills for all of their side effects. I found the anti-nausea and the migraine relief medication. I had it in pill form and shot form. I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to have to give myself a shot in front of my boyfriend who already looked like I was fragile and breakable, though it would work better.

Okay, Evie take the pill, brush your teeth and crawl back in bed. If you know what is good for you it would be smart to take the anxiety meds now too because if not you’ll likely be in a rotating version of hell for a while with this. What else? I found the roller bottle of essential oils that one of Pops’ old girlfriends used to swear would fix me so I kept that out. I carefully stood from the floor to brush my teeth, pop the pills, apply the oil and turn to Harry.

“You have a lot of pills in there,” he said.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Are you okay?”

“I mean physically more or less. Mentally? That’s another story.”

“Evie, I’m being serious. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m basically normal. I’ve got birth control, migraine meds, and a heaping help of Daddy issues.” He was trying not to laugh at me. “Harry, I love you for being concerned but I’m fine. I’ve dealt with issues basically my whole life when it comes to mental health. Everything from being overly stressed for my age to deep seeded abandonment issues. I see people that handle all of this. I obviously don’t need to take it all that often, but I have to have it for the occasions when I need it. Now don’t judge me.”

“I’m not going to. Everything in there is a prescription. It’s not like I found needles or something.” Trying to lighten the mood I held up one from my bag. “Not what I meant.”

“I know. And I don’t think you’re going to judge me for having medications I need to take. Fuck, half of them are natural supplements that someone at some point has told me might help with stress, anxiety or the shit that comes along with my migraines. It’s that I just took the medication that will make me less likely to puke again and help the migraine. Both of those tend to make me a bit…wacky.”

“Wacky?”

“I sometimes act like an idiot. So don’t be mean to me.” I watched him grab the glass of water from the counter as I left the bathroom and climbed back into bed. He put the glass on my nightstand before hopping over me and hugging my body close to his.

“I have no desire to be mean to you. I want to take care of you.”

“I’m used to doing this on my own. I’ll be okay.”

“I know that you’re used to doing a lot of things on your own. You don’t have to anymore. Let me take care of you sometimes.”

“Okay. But for now let’s let my medication kick in.”

“Do you need anything else?”

“No, just sleep. I might if I can’t get to sleep.” He started to rub my back to comfort me and help lull me to sleep. It didn’t take long before I finally fell asleep. It was short lived as I was back awake at about 5:15 and back on the floor of the bathroom.

“Evie, baby are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” The alarm on my phone started to go off. “My body evidently decided that I was going to get up right before my alarm. Perfect.” I flushed the toilet and stood up to brush my teeth. I went back into the bedroom as he was shutting the alarm off and took my phone. “I need to get in the shower.”

“Yeah, right. You’ve been up throwing up throughout the night. You’re getting in bed.”

“I’ve been out of the office for nearly two weeks. I have to be in the office.” I swayed a little bit. The vertigo from my migraine was starting to kick in because I’d been standing for too long. I felt Harry’s arms around me before I even realized he’d moved or that I’d gotten dizzy enough that I almost fell.

“You are laying down,” he said as I sunk into his arms on the bed.

“I need to get ready for work.”

“No, you don’t.” I was in a bit of a daze as I watched him reach for his phone. The meds were starting to make me sleepy again.

“Hello,” came the voice in the phone.

“Hi Jimmy.”

“Why are you calling my Pops?” I asked. I heard my voice in that moment and realized I sounded drunk.

“Hey Harry, is everything okay?”

“Evie has a migraine and has been throwing up since about 2:00. She seems to think she’s going to work today. She can’t stand up.”

“Evie, stay home,” Pops said.

“But I need to work.”

“You need to not throw up around my office. Stay in bed. Just check your email on occasion. Wait is your vision off?”

“Everything is a little blurry and Harry looks like he is glowing.” Pops laughed.

“Yeah, if there’s anything important I’ll have Eliza call you or Harry. Good luck today, Harry. She’s interesting on some of this medication.”

“She warned me about that in the middle of the night. Is there anything she can eat? She’s thrown up so much that I’m worried about her getting worse because she’s not eating.”

“Sometimes really bland noodle soup is good for her, keeps her hydrated. Sometimes she gets crazy and craves like a burger and fries as soon as the nausea med kicks in. Go with that. If you need anything today just give me a call and I can run over to the condo.”

“We aren’t at the condo,” I mumbled.

“We are at my house,” Harry said.

“That’s probably a good thing. It can get noisy near her condo during the day.”

“Well if you have any tips on how to make her listen I’d love them. She is trying to get her phone to check her email.” He took the phone from my hand.

“Good luck with that. In the 25 years she’s lived on this planet I haven’t figured that out yet. Her Mom and Dad might have some ideas on what to feed her when she has a migraine. These started in high school and continued through college. I always let her listen to her body and eat when she’s ready, Grace yells at me for that.”

“I’ll try calling Chicago then if I need anymore advice. If she has anything huge that needs done feel free to call me or text me. I can try reading her stuff to her and replying if she needs to.”

“I can send Eliza over too if she has too much stuff.”

“I’ll call her if we need anything like that but I think I’ve got it under control and I can help out. She worked a lot yesterday so I know she is concerned about being behind. I want to make sure that if this is stress induced that she reduces stress.”

“It is stress induced,” I said into the pillow I was using to cover my head.

“It’s probably stress induced. Shut the curtains, get her some water, and help her sleep. She can take the nausea medication every six hours, make her take it every six hours. She forgets sometimes. And if you have ice packs put one on her neck.”

“Does she get these a lot?”

“Yes, she does. And it’s another one of the things she gets from me unfortunately. Thus why I let her listen to her body. How about you check in with me later this morning and let me know how she’s doing. If she doesn’t get any better I can give you advice on the next set of steps.”

“Okay, thanks Jimmy. I appreciate the help. I’ve not dealt with this part of Evie yet.”

“Good luck. Oh and hide her keys. She can’t drive on her medication but if she gets determined to work she’s been known to try and sneak out.”

“Thank you for that advice.”

“Evie, rest up. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay. Love ya Pops.”

“Love you too, kid. Talk to you soon Harry.”

“Bye Jimmy.” Harry hung up the phone and got out of bed. I heard the shades slide down and block the rising sun from coming into the room. Harry’s footsteps left the bedroom and headed down the stairs. A few minutes later I heard the steps coming back up to the bedroom. I felt an ice pack on my neck.

“Thank you,” I mumbled.

“Do you want to eat anything?” he asked as he laid down next to me brushing my hair out of my face.

“Not really.”

“Do you need to eat something?”

“No?” Yup, it came out sounding like a question. I knew it wouldn’t be very convincing that I didn’t need to eat. I knew well enough that I had taken quiet a bit of medication and now had a virtually empty stomach because I’d thrown up several times.

“That was a lie.”

“No, it wasn’t."

“Yes, it was.” I realized he had my laptop open and sitting on the bed, his own laptop on his lap.

“I thought the horcrux wasn’t allowed in bed.”

“Well, I figure that I can help you out a little bit if I need to. And I brought mine because I need to do some research.” I watched him open up a Safari window and peck at the keyboard. He was offering to be my assistant but watching him type his question into Google was going to make me go crazy because he searched out the letters one at a time with his pointer finger. I’d been able to type 60 word per minute before I was ten. I still occasionally just for fun took typing tests so that when we were asking the assistants that were hired on to have a certain number of words they could type per minute it wasn’t outrageous. We only required 60 of our administrative assistants and a lot of times they were amazed when they watched me. I could type 75. Harry would be lucky if he hit 20.

“What are you researching?” I saw him scrolling through Reddit.

“Suggestions on how to take care of my lovely girlfriend who is a pain in the ass sometimes especially right now when she has a migraine?”

“What did you search ‘my girlfriend has a migraine what do I do?’ or did you go to Reddit directly?”

“I don’t know what this is and yes I searched that. I want to take care of you. Several of these suggestions say sex.”

“Ha! I have to get through the nausea before that can work or you run the risk of me throwing up on you. And it’s an orgasm that helps…not sex.”

“Yeah, that’s a guarantee with you.”

“Not always.”

“Yes, always.”

“With you, yes. In my past, nope. Sex was not something I traditionally used because often times I’d be left unfulfilled with a worse migraine.”

“Okay. It says pressure on the place that hurts. Massage. Sleep. Darkness.” He kept listing things off as I moved to lay my head on his chest so I could read the list he’d found.

“You could’ve asked me how I take care of them.”

“I didn’t want you to talk or read if you didn’t want to.” He started to play with my hair which meant it wasn’t long before his voice faded out in my mind, I closed my eyes and let the medication pull me back to sleep. I woke up when I heard Harry talking. “I think she just woke up. I’ll put you on speakerphone.” He sat down next to me and clicked on his phone. “Ty, Eliza and Kammi are on the phone. But you need to take another dose of all of your medication. I’d like to not have my girlfriend puking all day.” I reached for where my pain killers and a glass of water were sitting. I took the pills quickly and drank half of the glass of water.

“Hey bitches,” I said.

“How’s the head?” Kammi asked.

“Painful as fuck.”

“Gremlin attacking you?” Eliza and I always joked about the gremlin that lived in my head.

“Yup. I’ve puked a few times, Harry was right it probably was time to take another round of all of my medication too because the nausea is brutal.”

“It’s Thursday,” Ty said.

“Shit.” I frowned even though they couldn’t see it. “Maybe Harry will be a sweet boyfriend and bring me home for roommate night.”

“I’m not letting you out of my sight, love. How about everyone comes here for roommate night so that you don’t have to move? I can get the theater set up for you.”

“Motion submitted for roommate night to have a temporary location change due to my shitty brain. Do I have a first?”

“First,” Eliza said.

“I second,” Kammi added. Harry laughed at us treating our roommate decisions like we were a board.

“It’s the easiest way to make decisions.”

“There’s only four of you. What happens if you have a tie?” he asked.

“Ev owns the condo, her vote carries more weight according to her,” Kammi replied. “Though we’ve been known to defer to a third party for the vote if it’s tied. Just so you know, Nick doesn’t always vote with me. We don’t tell him who voted which way. He votes with Ev a lot. Bitch.”

“Okay, you guys can either head here right after work or stop at the condo first. I’ll make myself get out of bed and shower.”

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Harry said as he looked down at me, I’d taken my place back snuggled up into him. I could feel the medication kicking in. “You could barely stand up a few hours ago.”

“Don’t push yourself,” Eliza interrupted. “You finally have someone who can force you to stay home, something I’ve failed at for over a decade.”

“He’s pretty cute. He can convince me of a lot. Today he has convinced me to stay in bed and take care of myself.”

“Good job on that, H,” Kammi replied. It was nice to hear all of them happy for me. It was also really nice to be snuggled up with Harry. He was comfy.

“Okay, then plan on all of you coming here. I will have her set up in the theater so you can all have your roommate night.”

“Ev if I stop at the condo is there anything you need?” Eliza asked.

“I will think on it and send you a list. I might need you in a bit though, my boyfriend seems to think he can be your assistant today but he types about as well as Nonna.” He looked at me with a hurt expression on his face.

“You're being mean to your boyfriend,” Eliza said trying to defend Harry but giggling through her words.

“Seriously this morning when he was trying to research how to take care of me it was painful to watch.”

“Ev, remember you are a freak. Not everyone types as fast as you,” Kammi interjected. She was quick on the keys but not nearly as quick as I was. I typed all of my emails and memos out, she either used talk-to-text or dictated them to Ty unless she was on her own.

“Kam, just wait until you see it.”

“You’re such a bitch.” Harry was laughing while he tried hard to pretend like he was upset with me.

“I think I need to fix the problem of my bitchiness. Eliza I’ll text you if I need you early and whatever I need from the condo since I have a feeling that I’m not getting let out of the house until I’m better and we all know I have the best ice packs in the world at home.” Everyone laughed.

“You do. Just let me know what you need. H, if you need anything feel free to call.”

“I will. See all of you tonight.”

“Bye,” came the three voices on the other end of the phone. Harry ended the call and put his phone down before wrapping himself around me.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.”

“What do we do if you don’t get better?”

“Well, we take it as it is for today.”

“Then what?”

“Well, I could get really high. It helps with the nausea.”

“Do you do that?” he asked. We hadn’t quite had the ‘what sort of drugs do you use’ conversation.

“Umm…are you gonna break up with me if I say yes?” He laughed. “I mean I haven’t in a while, like two weeks and a few days.” He thought about it. “Yup. The last time I smoked pot was before I met you. But normally yes that is something I do. It helps with the nausea when I’m really sick and keeps me relaxed. It’s not a super get high kind of thing. I’ve had a prescription for it for a long time. And most of the time you wouldn’t even know I was doing it.”

“So if we don’t sit around and get high, what are the other options?”

“Well if it’s still bad tomorrow I’ll go to the doctor and they will decide if it’s time for a narcotic injection, a different round of pills or an IV infusion to treat it.”

“You clearly have experience with it.”

“I do. I mean I was 18 when I got my first medical marijuana card. It was actually my Pops’ suggestion. He’s had one since I was a kid. Medical marijuana has been legal in California since the mid 90s. He took me to his doctor and we went through the necessary steps for me to get access via prescription. It’s honestly a lot of why he assumed I’d pick to go to school in California for college. I would’ve had an easier time. I mean luckily my Mom and Dad were on board with it.”

“They were?”

“Yeah, they knew how it helped Pops. When my migraines got really bad during my sophomore year of college I considered transferring and was completely ready to move and enroll at UCLA. I just really didn’t want to leave Chicago and Northwestern. They have been less frequent and less painful since I moved here but that last few weeks because I wasn’t sure how you would react I haven’t used it.”

“How did Drew react?” He was trying to figure out if there was an answer he could give, I could tell.

“Despite being a med student who was told by teachers that cannabis is a natural option for a lot of chronic conditions he hated it. Thus why we never lived together. I could read him every study in existence and he would still tell me that because it was illegal it didn’t matter. He only became slightly less obnoxious when I was in California because when I was here it was legal.” His face didn’t give away any sort of feeling to what I’d just told him. It was tough to tell people this, I normally didn’t. Sure The Circus knew, my close friends knew, and a few of the board members for SME because it was in my best interest to be upfront with the people who could impact my career in the largest way. But I didn’t disclose this to clients because my medical history and treatment plan wasn’t their business. “You don’t have to tell me what you think right now. It’s a big deal. Your girlfriend just told you that she not only believes in medical marijuana but uses it. Fuck, what am I saying? Your manager just told you that she smokes pot. Fuck. I messed up. I'm sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

“No, really I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you that. I haven’t used it since we met I can just stop.”

“Hey, would you let me talk?” I nodded trying to prevent the tears that were stinging at my eyes from falling onto my cheeks. “I don’t know what to think about it. I’ve never researched medical marijuana. I’d like you to tell me more about it, not today while you don’t feel well. But in the future perhaps. I’m not really sure how I feel about my manager smoking pot, but I know that based on the people I know who also work with her that her work is incredible and no one mentioned thinking she was a pothead." He laughed a little which made me relax. “As for my feelings on what my girlfriend just told me, I hate thinking that I would prevent her from feeling her best and doing what her doctors think is best for her. But I need to be honest with her. I don’t have any idea how I feel about this. I’ve never been around someone who used medical marijuana. I’ve been around friends that smoke pot recreationally, I’ve traveled the world so it’s not like I’m 100% innocent. I think I need to learn more and maybe be around you when you have been using it to determine if there is a difference in the woman I love that makes me have a solid opinion on it.”

“Well, I can teach you something really quickly.” I rolled out of his arms and over to my purse. I grabbed my vaporizer out of my purse. It looked no different than the trendy vape pens that people used in replacement of cigarettes. “This is what I use most of the time. It’s a low dose and I can use it when I need it.”

“Does it smell?”

“Yes, but not as much as if I had a joint or pipe. It also looks less obvious if someone sees it in my purse.”

“Do you need to use it now?” he asked.

“Not if you don’t want me to. I want to give you time to think about all of this.”

“Okay. If you need to though, I’m okay with it.”

“It might help but I’ve got enough of the prescription medications that I can wait until you’ve had time to think about it. Thank you to being open to learning about this.”

“Thank you for being open to teaching me about this.” I yawned. “Do you need to sleep?” I nodded. “How about I make you something to eat and you take a nap?”

“That works perfectly. I love you. Thank you for taking care of me today.”

“I love you too and thank you for not completely being a pain in my ass as I try to take care of you.”

“I’m doing my best. I’m not used to having people take care of me. It’s actually sort of nice.” I yawned again.

“Sleep, love.” He kissed me and I fell back into the drug induced sleep easily. When I woke up I was alone in bed. I glanced at my watch where it sat on it’s docking station on the nightstand on my side of the bed, it was 11:15. I stood up and carefully made my way down the stairs. The entire house was dark, I’d never seen it like this. Usually Harry had all of the shades open and often even had the windows open so there was fresh air in the house. Today it looked like a cave. “Hey there, sleeping beauty.”

“Hi,” I said as I walked over to where he sat on the couch and sat down next to him cuddling into his side.

“Feeling any better yet?” I shook my head. “Ready to eat something.”

“I guess. I mean I’m still nauseous and don’t want to eat but I know that I need to eat.”

“Oh is someone going to admit she lied to me?”

“Maybe.”

“I called your Dad. He gave me the recipe of the soup that your Pops was talking about. I made some quickly.”

“Some of the stuff Dad puts in that isn't the type of ingredient that people randomly keep in the house.”

“Yeah, I know. I have my ways.”

“Which are?” I moved my legs across his lap.

“Hey Ev, how ya feeling?” I heard Eliza ask as she walked into the living room from where the bathroom was on the first floor.

“You called in reinforcements?”

“I did. This is normally shit I’d have my assistant do but she’s in London. It would be a bit difficult to get you the things you need for lunch. Which speaking of that, I’m getting you food.” He kissed me softly and then whispered to me. “I love you.”

“I love you.” I kissed him again before moving my legs and looking over to where Eliza had sunk into one of the chairs. “How was the office today?”

“It’s been boring all week without you there. I’m working from here tomorrow too so that you don’t have to get up and go to the office. Based on what Harry has said you are likely headed to the doctor tomorrow.”

“Sadly that’s probably true. I’m not feeling a whole lot better other than I’m not throwing up. Though I’m fearful that as this round of medication starts to wear off that it’ll be back. It’s been rough.”

“You’ve been stressed out more than normal and you’ve been spending a lot of time here. Harry said that you told him about the full extent of the migraines today.”

“I did. I’m surprised he’s talking about it.”

“I just asked her what you were like,” he called from the kitchen.

“I’m like me only slightly less stressed,” I replied laughing a bit.

“That’s what she said. She also said that sometimes you tended to giggle a bit more.”

“I mean sometimes, yes.”

“If you want to and think it will help your nausea you can sneak outside quickly. Just not in the house, at least not yet.”

“Okay, that’s fine. Eliza, want to join me?” I asked.

“Sure.” I walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a pair of Harry’s sunglasses off of the island before kissing him.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Don’t take too long. You need to eat.”

“I know.” I kissed him again before following Eliza out to the deck with my eyes covered. I sat down in one of the chairs. She had her purse with her which had my second vaporizer. The benefits of your assistant being your best friend is you could ask her to keep one on hand.

“So you really haven’t smoked since the night you met?” she asked.

“Nope,” I said as I took the vaporizer from her and quickly inhaled. I laid back in the chair a little. “I wasn’t sure how he’d react.”

“You’ve never cared how a guy reacted.”

“I cared how he reacted. He’s not just any guy. If he’s not okay with this then I go back to the doctor and ask what’s next.”

“I think he’ll be okay with it. Don’t you? I mean I can’t imagine anyone in his position that hasn’t smoked pot at least once.”

“I can’t either but they exist out there somewhere.”

“And he cares about you, that’s obvious. He seemed receptive to what I was saying. I lived with you while you were doing it illegally in Illinois so at least here it’s not like either of you can get in trouble.”

“Yeah but if it got out that his manager/girlfriend was a pothead it could ruin his image. I don’t want to do that.”

“You are the furthest thing from a pothead and you know it.”

“That’s based on opinion. The fact is that up until I met him two weeks ago I hadn’t gone a day without either smoking pot or a vape filled with cannabis oil being part of my day since I was 18 unless I was on vacation.”

“True. To some that is a pothead.”

“Exactly. He’s at least more receptive than Drew was, though he asked what Drew’s reaction was before he said anything to me.”

“It’s because he cares about you and wants to take care of you. Drew was concerned about how your decisions would effect him and not much else.”

“True. Harry is pretty amazing.” I smiled like an idiot. “He told me he loved me last night.”

“WHAT?! How was that not the lead off to our conversation?” she asked as she sat straight up.

“I’ve been puking on and off since 2AM.”

“So…spill it. I refuse to wait for roommate night to hear the story.”

“He made the love parm. He called Nonna yesterday for the recipe and made it while I was locked in his office working. Told me he did it for a little help because he was nervous to tell me he loves me.”

“And what did you say?”

“That I loved him too, duh.”

“And you weren’t just saying it to say it back, right?”

“I was saying it because I love him. I hate the idea that I’m going to have to be away from him while he films this movie and that there’s really no way I can convince Pops and Cameron to let me work from France for the summer so I can watch my boyfriend repeatedly drown in a movie.” She laughed. “I hate that we are going to London together and he may decide he doesn’t want to come back with me. I love him and I want to be around him. He’s pretty fucking perfect. I mean he snores and he types like my Nonna and he’s got better hair than I do and a smaller waist than I do, but he’s pretty fucking perfect.”

“It’s good to see you like this.”

“Thanks. So how are things with Joe going?” I asked. I’d basically disappeared off the planet as soon as everyone left Sunday, I felt bad but this was sort of what life was like when I went home. We all focused on our family when we were home but I usually went pretty dark from everything.

“Things are going well. We went on a double date with Nick and Kammi last night. He’s stayed at the condo a few nights so that they can have a few nights alone in the house.”

“How is Ty handling the move?”

“I guess okay. He misses her, it’s obvious. We’ve all become close but Kam is his best friend. She’s why he moved to LA and I think he’s got a little separation anxiety.”

“I get that. I’d be lost of you moved out.”

“You mean like you pretty much have.” She raised an eyebrow at me.

“I’m guilty. I can’t even say anything to argue about it. It’s comfortable here. I mean I miss all of you, but everything just seems so…I don’t know, right?”

“I know and I’m happy for you. Plus I know you’ll be back. As soon as he leaves town for work or to go home you’ll be back in your bed in the condo.”

“You’re very right.” I took one more hit off of the vaporizer before we stood up and went inside. I handed it back to Eliza and she put it in her purse.

“You feeling okay, love?” Harry asked as I walked up to him. I nodded and he hugged me kissing the top of my head. “I’ve got lunch for all of us so have a seat ladies and then I think that our sick one needs to lay down again.”

“I agree with that,” Eliza said.

“You both suck.” I put a spoonful of the soup in my mouth feeling incredibly jealous of the actual food I was watching Eliza and Harry eat. He’d used some of the salad we’d had yesterday and put chicken on it and dressing and I was eating basically noodles and broth. Oh the joys of being kept from being dehydrated. I could feel all of the medication in my brain trying to make me feel better, I was still nauseous but at least not puking. As soon as I was done eating I laid down on the couch and Harry covered me up in a blanket.

“Are you okay?” I nodded. “Do you need anything?” I shook my head. He bent down and kissed me softly. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you and I really love how generous you’re being with those words.”

“I held it in for so long that now I just want to tell you I love you over and over again.”

“I’m really okay with that. I like hearing it over and over again.”

“Then I’ll keep telling you over and over again. I love you.”

“I love you.” He kissed me again before standing up. I could hear him filling a glass with ice and water which came into my vision as he put it on the coffee table with a straw in it.

“Drink some water, love.” I leaned forward and took a sip before laying back down. Eliza sat going through emails and asking me any questions she needed but I was mostly in and out of sleep for the remainder of the afternoon. Harry gave suggestions to Eliza and I on what he could order for carry out for dinner since that was a roommate night tradition. It was about 6:30 when I was relocated to the couch in the theater. Eliza sat in the first row of seats with Harry snuggled up with me in the back row.

“So what are we eating?” I asked.

“I ordered the Chinese food you guys usually get for delivery. It’s not ideal for me to allow you to eat this but you had a reaction about it in your sleep while everything else I suggested you didn’t say anything about.” I laughed.

“I love Chinese carry out. I would be the one that moaned about Chinese in a migraine drug induced nap.”

“That’s not the first time it’s happened,” Eliza added. “It’s usually one of the things she starts to crave and it’s weird.”

“It’s also probably really terrible for me.”

“Probably. Tomorrow you need to allow me to make healthier food for you,” Harry said.

“You act like I’m staying home from work again tomorrow,” I replied.

“How’s your head?” Harry asked.

“Still hurts.”

“And the nausea?”

“Well I haven’t puked since this morning.”

“But…” Eliza added. She knew me too well.

“Oh I’m still nauseous. But the reason Pops said I couldn’t come to work this morning was because I was puking.”

“You’ve also slept the whole day.” He almost looked stern. “Tomorrow you’re staying home. If you feel better I’ll allow you to use the horcrux but you need to take care of yourself.”

“You’re being bossy.”

“Someone needs to be.” It wasn’t long before Kammi and Ty arrived. As Harry let them into the room he bent down to give me a kiss. “I love you. Have fun. If you need me just text me and I’ll get you whatever you need.”

“You’re leaving?” I asked half pouting.

“It’s roommate night. No boyfriends allowed.” I smiled at him. He really wanted me to have this night with my roommates without altering our flow just because I was sick. “I’ll bring the food in when it gets here. It shouldn’t be long.”

“You’re amazing. I love you.” One last kiss and he snuck out of the room.

“Ev has news,” Eliza declared.

“What news?” Kammi asked.

“Harry told me he loved me last night,” I said.

“What?!” Kammi and Ty both yelled.

“Spill it girl,” Ty pushed.

“We got home yesterday and he let me hide in his office so I could work. He made dinner and when we were sitting down to eat he told me that he’d been trying to find a way to tell me for a while that he loves me.”

“Oh my god. You two are perfect and I’m really forever alone,” Ty said pretending to cry.

“That’s not the whole story,” Eliza interrupted. “What did he make for dinner?”

“He made the love parm.” I smiled.

“Did you teach him that?” Kammi asked.

“Nope. While I was working yesterday he called Nonna to ask her for the recipe and surprised me with it.”

“He made the love parm and told you he loved you. You suck,” Ty said. “I can’t even get a guy bring me carry out and he cooked you your favorite food and professed his love to you.”

“I know. He’s amazing, I’m not sure how I got so lucky. But it just makes the approaching summer seem so much harder. If it was someone I was casually dating that was taking off for the summer it wouldn’t matter. But he’s going to be gone for months and I’m gonna be stuck here.”

“You act like we are chopped liver,” Kammi said.

“Yeah, I know and I’m sorry about that but I’ve become attached super easily to him. I don’t like the idea that when we leave Mexico that he’s going to get on a different plane than me and go to France.”

“He’s coming to Mexico?” Eliza asked.

“Yeah, I invited him to come with. Well, technically Mom invited him first and he said he’d wait for my invitation and I extended that to him. I want to have experiences with him in life. I’m going to need to plan a trip or two to France so that I don’t go the entire summer without seeing him.”

“I’m going to demand that your assistant go on that trip.”

“Done and done. Though he won’t be in any exciting part of France,” I said laughing. “He’s basically going to be on the beach and drowning for a few months judging by the script.”

“I feel so pathetic now. God I need a boyfriend,” Ty said.

“You aren’t pathetic, Ty,” I added as I leaned over to hug him. My words were still slurring from the medication despite the fact that the last dose had worn off a while ago.

“You’re on drugs.” Everyone started to laugh. The door to the theater opened with about 20 minutes to spare before Grey’s Anatomy started. Harry came in with an arm load of Chinese delivery, plates, and silverware.

“Alright, do you four need anything to drink? I have that white wine that Evie loves left from dinner last night. She didn’t drink much which in hindsight is good considering she vomited all morning.”

“Can I have wine?” I asked.

“Ha, funny, love. No. You can have more water,” he said. I slumped into my chair as he laughed at me. “There’s also some sodas in the little fridge over in the corner and maybe a beer or two in there. I can grab the wine. Do you need anything else?”

“I don’t think so,” Kammi said.

“Alright. I’ll be back with the wine.”

“He really is sweet,” Eliza said.

“I know. Sometimes I feel like he’s too good to be true. That I’m going to wake up from this dream I’m in.”

“Nah, you deserve this,” Ty added. “You’ve been through a lot of crap. You deserve happiness.” Harry came back inside with the bottle of wine and a few glasses.

“Okay here is your wine. If you four need anything just have Evie text me. I’m gonna go in the office and start memorizing lines.”

“You should join us,” Kammi said.

“No, it’s your roommate night. Significant others aren’t allowed,” Harry replied.

“We can make an exception tonight,” Ty added. “You’ve been taking care of our girl all day. You at least deserve to eat some of the food.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes!” Everyone replied together. He sat down next to me climbing under the blanket and putting his feet next to mine on the foot rest he’d given me. We all dug into our food and as soon as the episode started got quiet.

“Do you need anything?” Harry asked quietly about five minutes into the episode.

“Yes, you to shush. Grey’s is on.” I laughed before leaning over to kiss him. “I’ll be okay during the show. I promise.”

“Okay but if you need anything you just need to tell me and I’ll get it.”

“Okay.” I laid my head down on his chest. Ty had moved to the other couch to sit with Kammi and Eliza. It didn’t take much for me to start to get nauseous again. I was trying to avoid taking the medication for fear that I’d just fall asleep again. I’d made it about a half hour into the episode before I was up and headed towards the first floor bathroom. I’d puked up everything I’d eaten by the time Harry appeared in the doorway.

“So Chinese wasn’t a good plan,” he said as I flushed the toilet.

“Probably not.” I slumped onto the floor.

“Do I need to put you in bed?”

“No, I don’t want to miss roommate night. I need to brush my teeth though.”

“When’s the last time you took the stuff for your nausea?”

“When you gave it to me earlier today. It makes me tired and I didn’t want to sleep through roommate night.”

“I know you don’t but you also don’t want to throw up all night, love.” I sat up off the floor and just the act of being upright made my head rush and I threw up again. “Evie, you need to take the medicine.”

“I don’t want to sleep yet. I’ll go outside for a minute and I’ll be okay.”

“Ev, are you okay?” Eliza yelled.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I didn’t want to worry them anymore than I knew I already was. “Will you help me up off the ground?”

“Are you gonna puke again?” he asked.

“I don’t think so.” He helped me up. “I need to go upstairs and brush my teeth.”

“Let me help you.” Harry had his arm around me as we walked upstairs to the bedroom. I brushed my teeth quickly before digging in my purse. I grabbed my vaporizer. “This will help me with the nausea until bed when I can take the pills again and fall asleep.”

“Do you need me to go outside with you?” he asked.

“You can but you don’t have to. You haven’t completely made a decision about this yet and I don’t want to force you into it.”

“I can go outside with you.” We snuck out onto the balcony off of the master bedroom. I took a quick hit before leaning up against the railing. “How is the pain?”

“Still fucking hurts.”

“Do you need anything from me?”

“No, the snuggles you were giving me on the couch were perfect. I might need to call one of the massage therapists that work out of our gym at SME and see if I can get a massage this weekend.”

“If not I know a few that we can try too. Maybe someone can come to the house to work on you.” He pouted at me. “I hate seeing you so sick.”

“I’ll be okay.” I took another hit before I tried to force a smile at him. “I’ll survive and then be back at it next week working a billion hours to prep for being out of town for most of May.”

“You can’t just work yourself sick again. We need to figure out how you can lower your stress, get your work done and not live in your office. As much as I’m sure your couch is comfy to sleep on I’d rather have you home for dinner at night or at least meeting me out for dinner at night. I need to make sure you’re taken care of.”

“We will figure something out.” One final hit and we headed back inside. I quickly swished mouthwash so that I had minty fresh breath and didn’t taste like a weird ashtray. We went back downstairs and I snuggled up on the couch next to Harry.

“You okay, Ev?” Kammi asked turning around to look at me.

“I threw up again. This has just been a rough few days.”

“Do you need to go to bed?” Eliza questioned.

“Nah, I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?” Ty was pouting at me as he spoke.

“I’m fine. I might have to go puke again but it’s roommate night. I can’t miss roommate night. This is what we have left now that we don’t all live together and I’m admittedly barely home. I don’t want this night to be ruined because of my head.”

“She doesn’t want to take her anti-nausea medication because the pills make her sleepy,” Harry said. “She should be okay for a little while though.”

“If you throw up again you’re going to bed,” Eliza added. She had her stern voice and face on, sometimes when I was sick and she was in charge I was afraid of her. She’d be the Mom that put the fear of God in kids when she had them. “I brought stuff with me when I got here and I’m staying here tonight.”

“I have to stay in the condo alone?” Ty whined.

“You will be fine,” Eliza replied. “I need to be here tomorrow if she’s still this sick.”

“Fine,” Ty groaned.

It didn’t take long before I was back in the bathroom throwing up again. Harry sat on the floor next to me rubbing my back. I didn’t have the energy to move and slumped back onto the floor.

“Can I send everyone home now?”

“It’s roommate night.”

“I know and you tried really hard to have a good roommate night but you need your rest. I love you enough to tell you that you’re done trying and need to take your medication and go to bed.”

“Fine,” I groaned as I sat up. I carefully stood up and leaned on Harry as we walked into the hallway. I could hear voices coming from the living room. Harry led me that way and I found everyone packing themselves up to head home.

“You need to go to bed,” Kammi declared.

“I know. H just told me I was being forced to bed and couldn’t keep trying to be a good friend.”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t keep trying to be a good friend but you need to take care of yourself. You’ve thrown up a lot today. I need you to drink water, maybe eat something that you can keep down and sleep.”

“Good luck taking care of her. She can be bitchy when she’s sick,” Ty said.

“I can be bitchy all the time,” I replied. “Being sick means I’m just a whiny bitch.”

“True statement. I’d hug you but you probably smell like vomit and we know I have a sensitive stomach.” I flipped Ty off.

“I hate you.”

“You love me. Now stop being sick so that we can like do fun things. We could’ve gone to Malibu this weekend but I’m guessing that your big bad boyfriend won’t let you out of the house.”

“If she’s feeling well she can have fun but Malibu is maybe not a good idea. We could have a pool day here on Saturday as long as she’s not still puking.”

“Yes, please,” Kammi said. “Can I bring Nick?”

“I’d expect you to and for Joe to come as well,” Harry replied.

“And I’ll be forever alone.” Ty was being dramatic and it made me laugh.

“I could invite a friend over that I think you might like,” Harry added.

“Oh a pool day and a set up. Do I get to do a background check on this person?” Kammi asked.

“Sure. I’ll text you his name and you can internet stalk until your heart’s content.”

“Perfect. I vote yes on pool day and a set up for Ty.”

“Do I know this friend?” I asked.

“You might actually considering I feel like everyone in our lives is connected and just forgot to connect us.”

“True story.”

“I guess I’m okay with this but if the dude is a dud I won’t stay all day. Blind dates are bad enough, add these three bitches and they are immensely worse.”

“I promise to make them all be on their best behavior,” Harry said.

“You can’t make me do shit,” Kammi replied. “But I’ll be on my best behavior.”

“Then it’s settled. Show up whenever you want Saturday for a pool day. Perhaps take a car service, I’ve seen all of you crazy people drink all day while you’re in the pool and I’d rather not have you all get in trouble.”

“Sounds perfect. Now Ev, get better so that we can actually have a pool day,” Kammi said as she hugged me.

“I’ll do my best. I’m guessing the tag team duo of Eliza and Harry are going to have my ass at the doctor tomorrow.”

“Probably a good thing,” Ty replied. “Call us tomorrow if you need anything.” The goodbyes were quick and I was up in bed. Eliza was sweet to stay here so that she could help Harry out. He had no idea that he was getting into a relationship with a woman who on occasion could barely function to take a shower on her own. He was being sweet by taking care of me. I was pretty sure it would be short lived and if it lasted more than tomorrow he’d need to go back to London for something and abandon me here, it wasn’t what he signed up for. He shouldn’t have to help me through this.

“I can go home,” I said as we were laying in bed. He had gotten me a snack to eat while I took my medication before bed and waited with me hoping I wouldn’t immediately throw it up. “You don’t have to take care of me.”

“You aren’t going anywhere. You’re fine.”

“You didn’t sign up for this. You didn’t know that you were getting in a relationship with someone who on occasion couldn’t take care of herself.”

“No, I didn’t. But I did know I was getting in a relationship with you and you wanna know something?” I nodded. “I don’t care if sometimes I have to take care of you. I love you and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you too.” I kissed him and snuggled into his arms. He rubbed my back and between that soothing motion and the medication I fell sleep easily. Friday morning was the same wake up call as Thursday. Me throwing up in the bathroom while seeing spots and feeling like someone was drilling into the side of my brain.

“I’m going to have Eliza make an appointment with your doctor so we can take you in this morning. We need to get you better.”

“Okay,” I replied as I moved to lay on the floor. The way my vision was acting I knew I’d be throwing up again in a matter of time so I didn’t feel like moving.

“I’ll be right back. Can you take your medicine to try and stop the vomiting?”

“No, not if I go to the doctor. I can’t take anything until they determine what they are giving me.”

“Okay, well I’ll see if she can make the appointment early.” I heard him leave the bathroom and head down the hall. He knocked softly on Eliza’s door. “Hey, sorry were you awake?” I could hear him talking to her.

“Yeah, I’m used to Kammi being crazy and waking me up early. I actually was going to go use your gym if that’s okay.”

“It absolutely is. Our house is yours. Can you do me a favor?” Our house? I wanted to smile and freak out like I normally would over a guy having a subconscious slip up like that one but I couldn’t. I knew if I kicked my legs and silently screamed like an excited kid on Christmas morning that I’d just make things worse.

“Yeah, is she okay?”

“Not really. She’s throwing up again. I think I need to take her to the doctor.”

“Let me call and get an appointment for her.” It was a few moments of silence before I heard Eliza speaking again. “Hi, this is Eliza Richards, I’m the assistant for Everlee Scarcello she is a patient there. I need to make an appointment for her as early as possible today.” Again silence, I assumed the person at my neurologist’s office was clicking away on a computer and looking up the schedule. “8:30 this morning is great. We will bring her in. Just a bit of info on that if you can pass it along to her doctor, she woke up in the middle of the night two nights ago with a migraine. She’s been vomiting on and off for most of the last 24-30 hours. She has visual aura, left sided pain, a loss of appetite and is sensitive to light. It’s her normal symptoms.” More silence. “Thank you and we will see you at 8:30.”

“Thank you,” Harry said. “Can you text me the address of her doctor so I can use it to get directions?”

“Of course. I can take her too. I am her assistant. It’s my job.”

“No, it’s okay. There are going to be times in our life in the future when I’m not here to do this for her. When I am I’d like to help out where I can.”

“You’re a good guy, Harry. I promise you, Jimmy will see that and give up being a pain in the ass.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I know I am. I’ve known Jimmy my entire life. He’s been a second father to me since the moment he walked into the hospital room with Ev so that she could meet me.”

“How far apart are you two in age?” he asked.

“Six weeks. Jimmy was crazy. Ev shouldn’t have been in the hospital but he knew that her best friend for life was being born and she needed to be there. Grace had been at the hospital with my Mom because my Dad had been out of town with the team. I came early by a few weeks a little unexpected for everyone so Grace rushed to be by Mom’s side. Technically because Dad’s flight hadn’t landed yet Jimmy held me before my own Dad did. Mom tells me all the time that he had me and Ev in his arms together and mumbled barely loud enough for she and Grace to hear what he was saying to us.”

“That’s cute.”

“What he said was cuter. He said ‘you two little girls are going to rule the world and drive me to an early grave if you’re anything like your mothers’. He loves her more than the world, he’s just got a fucked up way of showing it sometimes. At her birthday dinner this year he had a bit too much to drink and told her that he was pretty sure she was the only great thing he’d ever made in his life. He knows he’s messed up a lot and given up a lot to try and be a success in the business. But he does love her and just wants what’s best. He just has a hard time realizing what is best for him has never been best for her.”

“Thank you for your help. I appreciate you staying with us last night. I was sort of scared I’d have to take her to the hospital last night.”

“I was too but she made it through a few hours of sleep. I’ll text you the contact for her neurologist that way you have the phone number if you need it. I’ll also send the note I keep in my phone that has the medications she’s on and the dosages. Sometimes when they try to confirm all of that with her when she’s like this she struggles. They won’t make you go back in the room with her, I always do because she’s sometimes pretty funny on the medication they give her. I have video taped her a time or two at Ty’s request.” I heard them both laugh.

“I’ll try not to do that. You’ve been her best friend for her entire life, minus the first six weeks. I haven’t even made it to six weeks.” Eliza laughed.

“She loves you, that’s all that matters to Ev.”

“Thanks again. There’s stuff in the kitchen that you should be able to make breakfast or a smoothie or whatever you need. The gym has quite a bit in it. I can text you my assistant’s number. She’s in London but if you don’t know where something is in this house she probably has a better idea than I do.”

“I’ve got Emma’s contact info. We talked earlier this week while I made the flight arrangements for all of us to go to London in May.”

“You’re coming with?”

“Of course. You might be bringing your girlfriend home to meet your Mum but you’re also taking my boss out of the office for 10 days. I hate to rain on your parade but you’re taking us both home to meet Mum. Emma said she’d help me figure out some stuff in London too since I’m assuming I’m going to be spending a bit more time in our London office than I normally do.” I heard him laugh.

“You might be if I have any say in that. I love LA but London is home.”

“And what do you know? We have an office in London that just might enjoy the head of our music division working out of it more than twice a year.”

“Well, don’t worry. I’m glad you’re coming with. I think you and Emma will be quick pals and you and Evie will both get along with my Mum and sister. And it will be nice to have you. She worries less about things when you’re around. You understand her language that she talks in when she works. I’ve tried to help and I don’t always get it.”

“We have a shorthand with each other. Every time I go to an audition that could potentially be bigger than a guest starring role or a small role in a movie she panics thinking I’m going to leave her.”

“You will someday and she knows it. But she will be fine.”

“I’m glad you found her.” I even laughed at that one. He did technically find me.

“Enjoy your time in the gym. I’m gonna go check on our girl and get her ready for the doctor. We should leave here shortly.” I heard his footsteps head back towards the room. I finally stood up and started to brush my teeth. “Hey love. I’ve got an appointment for you at the doctor at 8:30. We need to get you cleaned up and dressed to go.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want me to help you shower?”

“Pervert, even sick you still want to shower with me so you can see me naked.” He started laughing.

“You’ve figured me out. Now let’s get you in the shower.” He helped me into the shower and basically allowed me to lean against the wall for most of it and just let the water run over me. It was almost weird to have him wash my hair but the scalp massage felt pretty decent considering my brain was trying to throb it’s way out of my skull. When we were out I managed to brush my hair and get it into a braid while it was still wet. I threw on some leggings and a t-shirt and we were out the door. My sunglasses weren’t helping to keep all of the light out of my eyes so I had a hoodie pulled over my head and cinched a bit around my face. “So this is your neurologist that we are going to?”

“Yup,” I replied.

“What should I expect from this?”

“Needles. Drugs.”

“Be serious.”

“It depends on what the doctor thinks is necessary. Sometimes it’s some shots that they give me that go in my ass. Sometimes it’s medication through an IV.”

“Do you know which they will give you?”

“Nope, that’s the doctor’s call.” He pulled into the parking lot and I started to climb out of the car with the hood of my sweatshirt still pulled around my face. I felt his arm around my shoulders as he helped me walk to the door. The person at the desk unfortunately recognized me by name as usual.

“Good morning, Everlee.”

“Hi Janice,” I replied. I did my usual of signing what I needed to sign and handing over my credit card to pay the co-pay. “Thanks for working with Eliza to get me in quickly.”

“No problem. You know we always have a few spots open for the emergency cases. Have a seat and Mary will be out to get you in a few minutes.”

“Thanks.” I headed to the chairs and slumped into one. Harry sat next to me and I rested my head on his shoulder. “Thanks for bringing me.”

“Anything to make my girl feel better.” I felt him kiss the top of my head. It wasn’t long before the door opened and Mary, the nurse, came out to get me.

“Everlee we are ready for ya,” she said. I stood up and looked at Harry.

“You don’t have to come back with me if you don’t want.”

“It’s okay. I want to be with you.” He hugged me gently before walking with me to the door Mary was holding open.

“No Eliza today?” she asked.

“Nope. Eliza’s assistant today is my boyfriend. Mary meet Harry.”

“Nice to meet you,” he said reaching out to shake her hand.

“Nice to meet you as well.” She lead us back to the room and we sat down. The normal questions of my medication were asked and just as Eliza had expected my brain didn’t want to answer questions. I listened to Harry rattle the list off out of his phone and Mary ask a few questions that I could manage to answer. She left the room and it was quiet for a few minutes before Dr. Gaines came in.

“Hey doc,” I said quietly.

“Everlee what happened?” I explained when the migraine started and how it had been acting. “Did you change anything you were doing?”

“I hadn’t been using cannabis in a couple weeks.”

“Why?” he asked.

“New boyfriend,” I said nodding towards Harry. “Wasn’t sure how he’d feel about it so I sort of stopped. Probably not the best idea but I wasn’t sure I wanted to navigate that with him yet. My brain decided it was time.”

“Do you have a problem with Everlee being treated with medicinal cannabis?” Dr. Gaines looked at Harry.

“I don’t think I do. I don’t know a lot about it other than what she and Eliza have told me. I want her to be well so if it’s what you’ve determined is the best option for her then I think I’m okay with it.”

“I’ve got some reading I can send you home with today that should answer the questions you have and I’d be happy to answer any that arise from that. It’s been a successful treatment with Everlee because it helps with her anxiety, her migraines and the nausea that comes from that. Now Everlee, let’s get this taken care of. Based on how much you’ve been vomiting I think the best plan is to do the IV. We can get you some fluids at the same time. I’ll have a nurse come in and administer everything. We’ll get you out of here in a half hour or 45 minutes. Then you know the drill. Home, rest, eat, water and call the office tomorrow morning to let me know how you’re doing.”

“I know the drill,” I said smiling. He shook my hand and Harry’s hand before leaving the room. I laid back down on the bed and Harry slid the chair he was in closer to me. He leaned forward kissing the tip of my nose.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“We are going to get you back to normal.”

“I’m glad.” He held my hand when the nurse came in as she struggled for probably 20 minutes trying to get an IV started. The doctor was right to do this. I was dehydrated and needed the fluids. I could tell the nurse was flustered and new which also didn’t help in getting the IV started. She blushed a little when Harry said hi and introduced himself. Finally Mary came in and got the IV in.

“Sorry about that,” she whispered. “You’re gonna bruise.”

“I know. I would’ve anyway.” The nurse started getting the medication added to the bag of fluids.

“Did you bring benadryl in with everything like her chart says?” Mary asked.

“I forgot it. Why?” she replied as she put the last medication into the bag.

“I’m sorry,” Mary said to me. “Everlee has a bad reaction to some of the medication we give her if we don’t mix it with benadryl. They give her panic attacks.” Mary glanced at me. “I’m gonna go get the benadryl. You can make it through this but I know how it works. I’ll bring the ativan as well because your heart rate is going to sky rocket.”

“Thanks Mary, you know me too well.” Mary pulled the nurse out of the room with her, I was sure to scold her. I felt the narcotic pain killers start to work and it wasn’t long before I felt the panic attack hitting. I had grown able to separate myself enough that it felt like I was watching myself. The writhing on the bed, the desire to rip the IV out of my arm. I was so thankful when Mary came back into the room and administered everything else. It didn’t take long before they kicked in and I was able to just close my eyes and let the medication do it’s job.

“This is normal?” Harry asked Mary who had stuck around to monitor me after the flub by the other nurse.

“Yeah, Everlee we’ve got down to a science. Our nurse is new and so the added parts of her treatment aren’t normal for every patient. The normal drug order that Dr. Gaines would put in doesn't include the bendaryl or the ativan. Dr. Gaines and I have talked and that’s stuff we add for her because what works best also doesn’t agree with Everlee all the time.”

“What do I need to do for her when we get home?” I listened as Mary rattled off care instructions. Water, water, water was what she wanted him to pay attention to. Told him to download an app on his phone that could have him remind me every half hour or hour to wake up and drink some water. She gave some food recommendations that would be good for me and a few other things. As soon as the IV was done and my vitals were checked she had me in a wheelchair and pushed me out to the waiting room while Harry went to grab the car.

“He’s a good guy,” she said to me. “And really cute.” Mary was old enough to be Harry’s Mom but I got it, everyone thought he was cute.

“Yeah he is. He’s too fucking perfect for his own good.” Mary laughed.

“Oh he’s in for a treat. We’ve got swearing Everlee today.”

“Yeah, he’s sort of used to that. You could’ve fuckin’ knocked me over with a feather when that boy asked me on a date. I’m not sure how I deserve someone like that loving me. I’m a bitch, he’s the nicest person I’ve ever met. I mean he can be a bit of a cocky asshole on occasion but he’s perfect.” He parked the car and came around to help me get out of the wheelchair.

“Call us tomorrow, Everlee.”

“Thanks, Mary,” I replied. I waived as Harry shut the door. He talked to Mary for a moment before he hurried around to the driver’s side and hopped in.

“You can sleep if you want, love.”

“I think I’m okay at least until we get home.” I was quiet as he drove through the city and up to the house. He and Eliza helped me up into the bedroom and into bed. I felt Harry give me a kiss before I closed my eyes. The medication really had me tired and ready to sleep. I heard them move around the house before Harry woke me up to get a drink of water. I closed my eyes and listened to Harry talk to Eliza from the chairs in the bedroom.

“How did the appointment go?” she asked.

“Okay, I think. The nurse who administered her IV couldn’t get the IV started because she was so dehydrated.”

“That’s happened before. She’ll have a helluva bruise in a couple hours.”

“That’s what Mary said, she’s a kind woman.”

“Mary is the best.”

“Yeah, she had to help Evie because the nurse also forgot the benadryl and ativan.”

“Fuck. How bad was her panic attack?”

“I’ve never seen anyone act like that. She was groaning and moving around like she was in pain but when I asked her what was wrong she didn’t respond. It was like she wasn’t in her own body anymore. She tried to rip her IV out, her heart rate skyrocketed, and when Mary got back she managed to calm her down. I was admittedly scared.”

“It can be scary to watch her go through this. Thank you for being there with her this morning. I got her day cancelled and I hacked her email yesterday to put an out of office reply up so that people know she won’t reply until next week.”

“Thank you,” Harry said. “If you have work you need to do or a date with Joe or something feel free to take off if you want. I think I can handle her in this state. She looks like she’s asleep.” I wasn’t but I was. I could hear everything they were saying but even if I wanted to reply I couldn’t, I’d tried and it came out as a sleepy groan.

“I’m okay here. Joe texted earlier to check in on her. I’ll give him a call later and tell him to come over tomorrow for the pool party.”

“Does she normally become coherent by dinner?” he asked.

“Sort of.”

“Well, why don’t you invite Joe over for dinner tonight. We can all hang out. You’re both welcome to stay here if you’d like.”

“Thanks, that might actually be fun. It’s been awhile since Everlee and I could do double dates. I mean she’ll be in her pajamas and half out of it but it would still be nice.” I wanted to flip her off but my brain wasn’t connecting to my fingers to do it. I finally relented and allowed myself to fall asleep. The remainder of the day was a haze of Harry and Eliza alternating who woke me up enough to make me choke down food or drink water. It wasn’t until about 6:00 that I woke up and was able to keep my eyes open for more than a minute. It was quiet upstairs but I could hear voices downstairs. I stood up and walked down to the main floor.

“Hey love,” Harry said. “You’re moving.”

“I am,” I replied. I walked over to where he was in a chair and snuggled into it with him. Eliza and Joe were on the couch fighting over the remote for the TV like usual except that he had his feet on the coffee table and hers were resting on his shins.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Better but still a bit out of it from the medication.” I kissed him softly. “Thanks for taking care of me today.”

“If it gets you better it’s all worth it.”

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you too.” He hugged me tightly. “Alright everyone, what are we doing for dinner?” Eliza was right. It had been ages since we’d been able to have double dates, even if we were all in various states of pajamas on the couches in Harry’s living room with all the shades shut we were together. It was a chance for the four of us to just hang out and spend time together. It was fun to be able to have this guy that I loved getting to know the important people in my life and Eliza was as important as family. My Pops was right when he took me to the hospital the day she was born. Together, Eliza and I were ruling the world and while we hadn’t driven him to an early grave I was positive we were to blame for most of his gray hair. I sure as hell was lucky to have her, especially on days like this.

“I vote pizza!” I interjected making everyone laugh.

“Then pizza it is,” Joe said.

“I’ll call and order,” Harry replied giving me a kiss and standing up from the chair. He made silly faces at me from the kitchen as he ordered our dinner. I was really lucky to have him too.

First, I need to start by apologizing that this chapter has taken two and a half weeks to post. I started it two weeks ago today and knew the direction I wanted to take it to. I think I jinxed myself by writing about Everlee experiencing chronic migraines because I've had a pretty horrific migraine myself for two weeks now. I'd started writing in the afternoon and by the time I went to bed that night the gremlin that lives in my brain had decided to start getting angry and messing with my brain. I have had maybe 2 decent days in the last 15 so trust me when I say, art imitated life for this chapter. Unlike Evie, I don't throw up from migraines...THANK GOD. But I do have severe nausea, aura (mine is usually phantom smells which is the smell of cigarette smoke, which is super disgusting if you were curious....this time it's been spots in my vision), loss of appetite, and most of the other side effects. I appreciate your patience with me as I worked through my own health issues and took the time to craft Everlee's with the care I felt it needed. I feel like health conditions aren't something that are often tackled in fiction (especially fan fiction) unless it's an eating disorder, a terminal disease, or a mental health issue. The reality is that 1 in 6 Americans suffer from migraines and in 2011 it was estimated that over 100 million Americans suffered from chronic pain conditions. I've personally suffered from chronic migraines since I was a teenager, giving away my age a bit, I'm going to be honest and say that the last 16 years of my life have been complicated by my health and the chronic migraines combine with a lot of other problems. But I get up every day and go through what I need to so that I can live and enjoy my life the best that I can. I know that one of the treatment options I presented for Evie is a controversial one. There are a lot of people who don't believe that medicinal cannabis is actually as helpful that it is made out to be for Evie. While I don't have the luxury of being able to use it for my own treatment, it is something that I hope I will be able to consider in the future as the state that I live in expands it's medical cannabis laws. I felt that by making Harry a little hesitant and unsure about how it would work that I allow the reader to either be in the position of Evie who knows in her heart that it's the best treatment plan for her or in the position of Harry who is open to the possibility and willing to learn. I want people to decide for themselves on this topic. I don't intend on focusing a lot on Evie's cannabis use, she won't become a pot head and won't try and convince Harry to believe anything that he doesn't choose to believe. They are in a partnership and willing to work to understand each other, it's my favorite thing about them. I know this chapter had a darker nature and a darker setting (curtains being shut are my life). But I hope that I was able to still provide some of the comic relief that Evie is so good at. That you were able to see a different side of their relationship with each other and witness them growing together. I hope you enjoyed it and I promise, the fun will be back. I mean if I wrote myself into this migraine I don't want to do that again (I know I didn't, I'm kidding obviously). We've got two BIG days coming up. A day of fun with The Circus at Harry's house and the day that Evie and Harry have James and Jessica over. I think that Harry helping to take care of Evie shows his commitment to her and their relationship and should hopefully *fingers crossed* show Jimmy that he's serious. As always I am excited to hear what you think, both the good and the bad. Having a controversial topic as part of this chapter has me prepared. Some of you may hate it. I might lose a reader or several. But I wanted to take the time to explore the different things that affect our lives. I look forward to hearing from all of you. And I'm going to do my very best to not have another two and a half week wait between chapters. xx AM.

[ledenews]

Kat Lucas - One Step at a Time

If you’re inclined to believe in the concept of karma, then Kat Lucas’ karma train is long overdue at the station. And when it pulls in, it best be hauling a Powerball jackpot-sized chest of cold hard cash. There should be enough she can swim in it. It would only be fair. For the last five years, Lucas has been the winner of the “statistical anomaly sweepstakes” for medical issues, and certainly not in a good way. In a study cited by the American Heart Association, from 2009-2012, females aged 20-39 who suffered a stroke made up only 0.7 percent of the population. Lucas had two, on the same day, when she was 35. One minor, and one major. Then, less than a year later, just as she was nearing full recovery, two more happened. So, for those who are counting, that’s four before the age of 37. What eventually was determined as the cause of Lucas’ problems as a carotid web, a type of fibromuscular dysplasia (FMD). FMD occurs in only 0.3-3 percent of strokes in the cervico-encephalic arteries. So, a rarity, wrapped inside a rarity. How does one get so “lucky?” Fortunately for the former Kat Stewart, a multi-sport athlete at Bridgeport High School, she has the loving support of her husband and family, and a wicked sense of humor, both about her struggles and life in general. A former employee of Peterson Rehabilitation Hospital, Lucas has four degrees in various medical disciplines, ranging from associate to bachelor. She looks forward to the day she can return to the working world but is thankful for each day she can arise and push forward. For a time, she wasn’t sure if that was going to be a possibility. Fiercely independent, Lucas was faced with the possibility of having to rely on others for her care for the rest of her life. So, you can forgive her a little cathartic humor now and again when it comes to her situation and the world around her.

On good days, Lucas likes to get out with her friends and enjoy herself socially. She does her best to return to a sense of normalcy.

How old where you when you had your first stroke and where were you when it happened?

I was 35 years old when I had my first two. The first one happened in Dr. Blatt’s office. They rushed me over to the ER at OVMC and 20 minutes later, I had a massive stroke. Within a half hour, they were flying me by helicopter to Pittsburgh and Allegheny General Hospital.

Given your young age when it happened, what were your thoughts initially after the stroke and during rehab? How long did it take to relearn everything the first time and how difficult was that both mentally and physically?

I didn’t know what was going to happen. I had no movement on my left side. It was completely paralyzed. Ninety-five percent of the right side of my brain was affected. My speech was impaired. The neurologist that came into my room after reading my MRI said I'm lucky to be alive. I should have been dead. That being said, I knew I couldn't give up. I did not want to be put in a nursing home. I got admitted into ICU and I laid there for three days just concentrating on trying to get movement in my leg and arm. It took about 72 hours before I was able to walk again and it took about two months before I was able to lift my arm without any trouble. I had extensive outpatient therapy at Peterson Rehab Hospital. And then at home I would spend about 16 hours a day doing therapy exercises. Every day I told myself I was a day closer to getting back to normal.

The scan of Lucas' brain shows the amount of damage to the one hemisphere following her stroke.

Explain a bit about the condition and did they diagnose that after the first stroke. Was it tough on you mentally while getting back to some sense of normal?

I was diagnosed with a carotid web, but nothing was done about it and they left my strokes as reason unknown. It was beyond stressful both mentally and physically. In the worst way possible, you go from being independent to being dependent on someone else to do a lot for you, every day, all day long, and the frustration that comes in when you’re mentally stressed because you’re worried about if you’re being a burden to others because they have to pretty much help you with everything. What's exceptionally hard is the fact that I used to be so intelligent. I'm still smart, but I can no longer explain things the way I used to. I don't always comprehend things and a lot of people think I'm normal but I'm really not. I try to say, "Hey I'm not the person I used to be." I'm not making excuses. It's just is what it is.

How close getting back to full functionality were you when the next ones happened? How many total and how do you adjust your life knowing another is possible? Do anything different or choose to push on as usual despite the possibilities?

About eight months later and through a lot of blood, sweat and tears, I was almost back to normal by age 36. The morning of November 24, I woke up around 3:30 a.m. because I didn’t eat the night before. So, I had a Mountain Dew, a Reese’s Cup, and laid back down and went to sleep. Around 7:30 a.m., I got back up with my husband as he was leaving to go help a friend. I noticed a change in my speech, but really couldn’t figure it out and I just brushed it off. I laid back down but couldn’t stop thinking about why my speech sounded different. Then it hit me. I hurried up and picked up my phone and tried to smile in front of the camera, only to realize my left side of my face was not moving. I instantly started crying. They told me this was not going to happen again. I had a better chance of winning the lottery than having another stroke. I called my husband and told him what happened and then called an ambulance, which took me to Wheeling Medical Park. The ER doctor called my neurologists at Allegheny General Hospital and said to get me up there as soon as possible. I arrived at Allegheny General Hospital within about an hour and a half and my doctors met me in the ER room and he told me the carotid web in my right carotid artery was what caused all the strokes … the next day they were planning on doing the surgery. All of a sudden, my arm fell off the table and I didn’t feel right. I had another stroke.  I was rushed downstairs to a cat scan and by the time I got back to the room, they decided to take me back downstairs for a thrombectomy. I was awake through the whole procedure and it was very painful. They removed two large clots and I was taken to ICU. I’ve had to adjust my life because this last stroke affected me worse than the first three together. My brain lags worse than it ever did, and I have a lot of trouble remember things. I’m not bouncing back the way I did when the first massive one hit. I'm at my four-month mark right now and I'm so far from where I want to be. I was able to have the surgery on December 30th, 2019. This carotid web was removed. It's known as atypical fibromuscular dysplasia which is a rare disease. It was pretty much like a ligament was growing in my carotid artery but since removal I have had no symptoms that I've had over the last several years of which consists of hemiplegic migraine strokes which started to plague me back in 2014. So, right now, I'm just living life to the fullest and hoping I continue to stay symptom-free and stroke free. I have to be constantly monitored to make sure that the carotid web does not grow back.

Kat Lucas is pictured with her husband Tim, whom she credit with being her rock through this ordeal.

You were married in 2017. Does having a spouse and a closer support system make it any easier for you? What advice would you give people battling through similar or equally difficult situations?

I got married in 2017 to my husband Tim, who has been my rock through all of this. Having a great support system makes it a lot easier and bearable. The therapists from Peterson Rehabilitation Hospital, Case, Cierra, Emily, Ted, Kristen, and I see Nicole and Brooke at Wheeling. They have played a huge role in my recovery. My whole mentality through this whole ordeal has been that people go through way worse every day and my situation could be way worse still. I could be stuck in a bed somewhere. So, my advice for anyone going through a similar situation is to never give up fighting, as frustrating as it may be sometimes. Try not to let the depression kick in and try to keep a positive attitude. Read the full article