#i’ve survived another year!!! type beat

[slimmestslime]

it my bday today yay

[kaijutegu]

Beating the Heat while Fat: A Summer Survival Guide

Summer is (almost) here and it’s going to be hotter than ever. If you’re fat (like me), you know how much hot weather sucks. Specifically, we get to deal with fun issues like underboob sweat, chub rub, skin fold sunburn, and more. And while I like to take a body neutral approach to everything, this can be hard in summer thanks to exclusion and neglect.

The thing is that not a lot of people really... talk about these things, though, because that would interfere with our image of summer. Not a lot of companies are marketing their stuff as a solution to fat people’s problems, because that would be acknowledging that fat people might actually want to go outside during summer.

Having been fat for many a summer now, I want to share some of my resources for enjoying summer! These are all based on personal recommendations and things I have directly experienced. Please feel free to reblog and add on with your experiences and recommendations!

However, if your commentary is even remotely fatphobic, you will be blocked and your comments will be deleted. This post is not for you, and nobody is actually interested in what you have to say!

Back and Underboob Sweat

Two words: Gold Bond. Gold Bond fixes this. It comes in powder, stick, and spray form. I’ve used the powder in shoes, but not on my body. They’ve recently released an invisible form of the spray, which I’m very excited about.

Spray this under your breast tissue or other skin folds, or on flat areas of skin like your lower back that tend to sweat. Some of their powders have aloe in them, which is delightfully soothing for the skin.

Make sure that if you’re sensitive to scent, you buy one of the unscented versions. The “fresh” scent is nice, but it is a scent!

When you’re using this type of spray, do it clean but dry. Don’t do it right after a shower- give your skin a chance to dry off. Lift your breast or skin fold, spray underneath, and then hold it for a couple of seconds to let the spray dry down.

You can also use other types of powder, like body powder or baby powder. There’s mixed evidence about talc-containing powder and its link to cancer, but some people do find talcum powder more irritating than talc-free powder, so whether or not you use this is up to you.

Do keep in mind that this is NOT sunscreen! Apply your sunscreen first for areas of exposed skin.

Chub Rub

Dealing with the tops of your thighs rubbing together is extremely unfun. There are a couple of ways I like to deal with this!

Slip Shorts

I actually reviewed a bunch of these a few years ago. Slip shorts or bike shorts are perfect for wearing under dresses or loose-fitting rompers as a way to stop your thighs from rubbing. As a bonus, if you’re using bike shorts, sometimes they come with extra pockets to stash stuff in.

Friction Sticks

If you’re wearing a swimsuit and don’t want to wear shorts, or just don’t want to wear shorts, period, then a friction stick is another good way to avoid chub rub! I have a couple, Bodyglide and Gold Bond.

If you’re buying Bodyglide, they have one that’s just as good, Bodyglide Outdoor, that is sometimes cheaper. There’s a Bodyglide “For Her” which I’ve never tried, but that’s usually more expensive and let’s be real, do you really need to moisturize your inner thighs? I think not!

There’s also creams you can use but I find those messy and less effective than the sticks. You might like them, though! Experiment with products to find the one(s) that work for you.

Friction sticks can also stop foot blisters. Rub a little on your heel, toe, or wherever you get hot spots. 

Dealing With Sweat

I sweat, you sweat, we all sweat. Humans were meant to sweat. Sweating’s a good thing. But that doesn’t mean it’s fun, and frankly I hate being sweaty. Typically, fat people sweat more than thin people, for several reasons related to the way we thermoregulate.

Fortunately, there are lots of ways to make summer sweating less annoying. I’ve written about this before, so you can check out that post for some of my favorite tips for dealing with sweat. Here’s some of the highlights.

Evaporative Cooling

A bandanna or other wrap filled with water crystals can do AMAZING things. You can make this yourself really easily- if you can’t find water crystals, you can just use Orbeez. They sell little 99 cent packs of those in the checkout lines at some stores and at the dollar store, and you can make several cooling wraps with one packet.

You can also get evaporative cooling towels, like Frogg Toggs. I don’t like those as much because they tend to start smelling a little funny, but they’re great for larger area coverage.

Using these will help cool you down and will do the same thing that sweat does– without being sticky.

Hair

If you have long hair, get it off the back of your neck. I used to put it up in a bun with a bun former, but now I just use claw clips. They’re cuter and easier! Seriously, this will help you so much. Get the hair up and away from your skin, you’ll feel so much better.

Hand Fans

I always have a hand fan with me, but not one of the little battery operated ones. I’ve tried a lot of those! I even took one up a mountain once, and it was the only reason I survived. But they never provide the same level of breeze that my folding fan does.

I use this one because it’s cute, and you can get cute ones for a couple bucks on Amazon. I do prefer fabric to the stiff paper ones, just because they’re a bit more durable- I’ve had mine for years now. It’s good.

I’m also not a huge fan of those fans that go around your neck, but I’ve seen many people enjoying them. If they work for you, great!

Hydration and Electrolytes

Carry water with you when you go places, and if you’re gonna be out for a while doing anything strenuous, take some electrolyte tablets with you. I like Nuun because I think they taste good, but there’s lots of brands out there.

There’s no one mineral called electrolyte, just so you know. Electrolytes are a group of minerals that includes sodium, potassium, and chloride as the primary (or significant) electrolytes. Electrolytes are important because they have a natural positive or negative electrical charge when dissolved in water. This electricity is how your nerves transmit information and how your cells make your muscles contract, so low levels of electrolytes can cause some serious issues. Different electrolyte imbalances have different symptoms, but common symptoms include nausea, fatigue, confusion, tremors, muscle spasms (cramps), and dizziness.

If you’re feeling those as you’re moving around outside, get somewhere cool, drink some water, and either eat some food or add electrolyte tablets to your water. This will help stabilize you quickly!

Skin Fold Sunburn Prevention

Everybody should wear sunscreen, period. End of story.

But if you’re applying sunscreen by yourself and you have skin folds, it can be a pain to reach them! This is especially true for any folds that form on your upper back or around your upper arm.

These areas can burn and be very painful, especially if you’re in swimwear or a sleeveless top. It’s also VERY easy to forget that these areas need sunscreen!

If you don’t want or don’t have someone to help you apply those areas you can’t reach, spray sunscreen can be a way to get those areas. If you don’t like the spray or want heavier coverage with a cream, then use a lotion applicator!

If the stick style doesn’t work for you (like if you have shoulder mobility issues), the strap style asks for a different range of motion. If you can’t find one that works for you at a big box store, look at a pharmacy. These are often sold as disability aids or for elderly people with a reduced range of motion.

But honestly, one of the most important things about this is just knowing your body. Know where your skin folds are and think about how they move as you’re applying sunscreen. Get underneath them- as you move, those areas can be exposed to the sun, too.

So yeah, that’s my best advice for beating the heat while fat. If you’ve got other tips, feel free to share them!

[shybluebirdninja]

The Great Outdoors

Summary: Logan takes you on a camping trip, but his survival skills are hilariously outdated.

Pairing             : Logan Howlett x Fem!Human-reader

Genre              : Fluff

The sun was already dipping low behind the trees when Logan parked the truck. He got out like he was about to conquer the wild, while you stood there, looking at the woods and trying not to laugh at the seriousness on his face. Logan wasn’t the camping type—or at least, not the “modern” kind. He was more like the “rough it with nothing but your fists and claws” type.

This was going to be interesting.

“So, what’s the plan, Bear Grylls?” you teased, slinging your backpack over your shoulder.

Logan grunted, pulling out a rolled-up tent from the back of the truck. “Survive. That’s the plan.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Wow, so detailed. I feel so prepared.”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ve done this a hundred times. Just follow my lead, and we’ll be fine.”

Oh, boy.

You made your way into the clearing Logan had apparently scoped out beforehand. It wasn’t bad, actually—nice little spot near a river, surrounded by trees that rustled softly in the evening breeze. As soon as you set your stuff down, Logan got to work... sort of.

He started with the tent. You watched him as he unfolded it, frowning like the damn thing had personally offended him. “These damn things get more complicated every year,” he muttered, trying to shove a pole into one of the sleeves.

“Need some help?” you asked, biting your lip to keep from laughing as he wrestled with it.

“Nah, I got it,” he grumbled, jamming the pole so hard it almost snapped.

Five minutes later, the tent was half-collapsed, one corner flapping in the wind, and Logan was cursing under his breath.

“I think it’s supposed to stand up, Logan.”

He shot you a look, then glanced back at the tent. “It’s fine. I’m just, uh... testing its durability.”

You let out a snort, shaking your head. “Right. Maybe you should just let me handle that.”

“I’m a grown-ass man,” he muttered, glaring at the tent like it had insulted his mother.

“Yeah, and you’re losing a fight to a piece of nylon.”

After another moment of watching him struggle, you stepped in and started putting the thing together while Logan, not exactly one for sitting still, decided to gather firewood. He disappeared into the woods with nothing but his claws, because why bring a hatchet when you’re Logan?

By the time he came back, arms full of sticks and logs, the tent was up and looking perfect. You leaned against it, smirking as he dropped the wood into a pile.

“See?” you said, gesturing to the tent. “That’s how it’s done.”

Logan grunted, clearly not impressed. “Yeah, yeah. Let’s see you start a fire.”

You crossed your arms. “Watch and learn, old man.”

He grinned, that dangerous little glint in his eye. “Oh, you’re gonna regret that.”

Logan, being Logan, didn’t just gather some twigs and light them with a match like a normal person. No, that would’ve been too easy. Instead, he pulled out his claws and crouched next to the fire pit, sparks flying as he struck them against a rock.

“Logan, that’s not how—”

Whoosh!

The pile of wood lit up like someone had dumped gasoline on it. Flames shot up higher than you thought possible, and you stumbled back, laughing your ass off while Logan jumped up, cursing.

“Goddammit!” He swiped his claws through the air, trying to beat the flames down. “I meant to do that.”

“Oh, sure,” you choked out between laughs, wiping at your eyes. “That’s the perfect height for roasting marshmallows, right?”

Logan glared at the mini-bonfire for a second, then at you. “Next time, you can light the damn thing.”

You couldn’t stop laughing, the sound of it bouncing around the trees. Logan finally cracked a smile, though he tried to hide it behind a gruff mutter.

After some careful maneuvering (read: Logan finally letting you fix the fire), you both settled down for the evening. The fire was low, crackling softly, the night air cool around you. Stars were starting to peek through the darkening sky, and the only sounds were the soft hum of the forest and Logan chewing on beef jerky.

You leaned back against a log, holding your hands out to the fire. “So, what now? Gonna show me your impressive ghost story collection?”

Logan raised an eyebrow, gnawing on his jerky like a wild animal. “Ghost stories? What are we, twelve?”

“Come on,” you teased. “Everyone knows camping isn’t complete without ghost stories. It’s like... the law.”

He scoffed but leaned back, his eyes glinting in the firelight. “Alright. You want a ghost story? I’ll give you one.”

“Oh, this oughta be good.”

Logan cleared his throat dramatically. “So... once upon a time... there was this girl. Thought she was real tough. Real smart.”

You narrowed your eyes. “Is this about me?”

“Shhh, I’m tellin’ a story here,” Logan said, smirking. “Anyway, she thought she could survive out in the wild with just a little ol’ tent and her wit. But one night, she heard a rustling in the trees... something... watching her.”

You leaned in, playing along, even though you knew exactly where this was going. “Oh, yeah? What was it?”

Logan’s eyes widened theatrically. “A bear! Big, ugly thing. Twice her size. It came into her camp, sniffin’ around, and you know what she did?”

You shook your head, grinning. “What?”

“Nothing. She just froze. The bear ate all her snacks, tore up her tent, and left her sittin’ there in her own piss.”

You burst out laughing. “Wow, Logan. Truly terrifying. 10/10. I’m gonna have nightmares for weeks.”

Logan grinned, leaning closer. “I got more. You’ll be beggin’ for mercy by the end of the night.”

You pushed his shoulder lightly. “You’re such an ass.”

As the night deepened and the fire began to die down, you both retreated into the tent. It was surprisingly cozy inside, the faint warmth of the fire lingering outside while you snuggled into your sleeping bag. Logan stretched out beside you, his body taking up way too much space, but you didn’t mind.

“Comfy?” you asked, glancing at him as he wiggled around.

“Like a fuckin’ sardine,” he muttered, trying to adjust in the small space. “Who the hell makes these tents so damn small?”

“They’re meant for normal-sized people, not... whatever the hell you are,” you said with a smirk.

Logan snorted. “Mutant privilege. I need bigger accommodations.”

You both lay there for a few minutes, the quiet settling in around you. Logan’s breathing was steady, his body warm next to yours, and despite his earlier grumblings, you could tell he was content. This whole camping thing wasn’t so bad, after all.

“Alright,” you said suddenly, turning to face him. “I’ve got a ghost story.”

Logan raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything, so you went on.

“There’s this guy, right? Big, tough, hairy—like, really hairy. The kinda guy you wouldn’t wanna meet in a dark alley.”

Logan rolled his eyes, but you kept going.

“And one night, he decides to go camping with this totally amazing girl—smart, funny, great taste in camping snacks—”

“Wow, I wonder who this is about,” Logan deadpanned.

“Shhh,” you said, stifling a laugh. “But the thing is... the guy? He’s got a secret. See, he acts all tough, like nothing scares him, but deep down? He’s terrified of one thing.”

Logan looked over at you, eyes narrowing. “What?”

You grinned, leaning in close. “Commitment.”

Logan blinked, then let out a low chuckle, shaking his head. “You’re full of shit, you know that?”

“Maybe,” you said, smiling. “But you know I’m right.”

He didn’t deny it, just stretched out a hand to pull you closer, his arm wrapping around you with an ease that made your heart flutter a little too fast.

“I’m scared of plenty of things,” he muttered, his voice low and rough. “Just not the same kinda things as you.”

“Like what?” you asked, curious now.

Logan looked at you, his eyes serious for once. “Losing people. People I care about. That’s what scares me.”

The confession was quiet, unexpected, and it hit harder than you’d thought. You swallowed, unsure of what to say, but Logan just shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, pulling you in tighter.

“Guess that makes you a real badass,” you whispered after a moment, your voice barely breaking the stillness of the tent.

“Damn right,” he muttered, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Now shut up and go to sleep before I start tellin’ real scary stories.”

You smiled against his chest, warmth spreading through you as the sound of the river and the soft crackling of the dying fire lulled you to sleep. And maybe, just maybe, you’d both survived the great outdoors after all.

[cobaltperun]

Lost (19) - Where I belong

Tara Carpenter x female Reader

Summary: To anyone on the outside, and to Tara’s friends, you were Tara’s fierce protector, the MMA fighter who’d take anyone on for Tara. The Guard Dog, as Amber called you. You had no idea you’d have to protect her from people who claimed they loved her. It didn’t matter. As long as you and Tara had one another there was nothing you wouldn’t be able to survive.

Story warnings: Scream violence, family issues, trauma, angst, certain sensitive topics

Word count: 4.1k

Story masterlist / First part / Previous part / Next part

-So take my slow beating heart, you are where I belong-

You stood in front of two gravestones, feeling ashamed that it took you this long to come here. “Sorry I’m late, I didn’t bring anything, didn’t feel like I deserved to,” you still knelt down to pull some grass that began growing around the two graves. No one really attended to them, they had no one, after all. In this huge city Susan’s life stopped when she lost Zack, and she no longer had anyone that might take care of the graves, no close friend, no family. She only had her memories and, ever since you brought Tara and Sam to Sacramento, she had you and Tara. “Tara would have come as well, but, I have to deal with someone, I didn’t want to put her in danger or leave her alone here,” you explained, remembering the resigned acceptance on Tara’s face when you told her what your plan was.

“Thomas… he brought up something, he said you were the only one who would choose me over anyone else,” you said, digging your hands into the pockets of your coat, it was getting a bit cold, and a strong wind blew in your face, forcing you to squint a bit. “I’ve been thinking about that. Somewhat. Would I have acted any differently last year if I knew you’d be in danger?” you didn’t have the answer. On one side you knew you cared about Susan even back then, simply because of the time you spent with her and Zack and, more importantly, because she was Zack’s mother. On the other side Tara was in danger.

“What-ifs are pointless anyway,” you spoke. It was a stupid question, a one or the other question where you’d be forced to choose. How ridiculous. Life wasn’t as simple as that. Take last year for example. At first glance it was a choice between Tara and Susan, but you did have the third option, San Francisco, where your gym at the time was. Or simply a hotel, if that didn’t work, if you knew you’d be putting Susan in danger you simply would have taken Tara somewhere else. Hell, just taking her to your apartment would have been a good way to keep her safe.

You still felt like you caused her death, even if you kept telling Tara and Sam they weren’t to blame for what happened you somehow failed to take your own advice. No wonder those two had such deep issues. “I’m sorry for dragging you into this, for not being there when you needed me,” you said as several tears slid down your cheeks. “I should have told you so many things,” you told her you loved her in a voice mail sent long after she was dead. Life had a funny way of being cruel sometimes and you would forever regret not telling Susan you loved her, she deserved to hear it every time you talked to her, every time you saw her, every time you had the chance, you should have told her those three words.

~X~

The house hasn't changed much since you turned eighteen, you saw they changed the doors, but other than that, it was exactly how you remembered it, at least from the outside. A three-story house that screamed 'we're rich!' to anyone passing by, with its over-the-top fence and decorations, and the damn marble lions looking down on whoever went through their gate.

You typed in the code, your father's birthday, disabling the locks on the first try. Of course, those two wouldn't bother to change it. You were just happy you managed to remember it. And so, you came inside the house and sat down in the living room, waiting for the parents to come back home. You looked around, the house was the same on the outside but on the inside? Brand new furniture. More expensive than comfortable, really, but you just closed your eyes and waited. If you looked at it for too long you were worried you'd start breaking things.

An hour later the doors opened, and you heard your parents laughing, joking about whatever they found funny that day. This was one of the reasons you felt so suffocated in this house, because, almost as if to convince you that you were the problem and not them, they were loving to one another. Laughing, singing praises of one another, exchanging words of affirmation, but never quite choosing to express their feelings through touches. Now that you thought about it maybe that was why you were so adamant about having Tara in your arms as often as you could, why touch was your preferred love language for her specifically. The instinctual need to be the opposite of your parents in as many ways as you could be.

"Long time no see," you enjoyed seeing them jump when they saw you, they looked like they saw a ghost, they looked afraid. Good, you wanted them to be afraid, you wanted them to have nightmares of you coming after them. "I'd say it's a pleasure to be here again, but we both know it's not."

"Y/N," your father spoke, and you saw him taking a step back. Funny how you never noticed just how little it took to startle him. He would have been less than average if he wasn't born into money, in fact, from what you read in Gale's brief research on the company it was in decline for years now, only surviving on old reputation and questionable deals. The fact that you and Zack were his children pissed you off.

"Let's be quick about this. Thomas is dead, I'm very much alive despite your efforts and I want to be left alone, so don't try to hire another hitman to kill me or my loved ones," you spoke evenly.

"Or else what?" he acted like he actually could negotiate anything here.

You stood up, and while you lost some muscle due to coma and slow recovery you could still look intimidating enough. "I die and your entire reputation is done for. I revealed everything, one wrong move and it all goes public," you saw fear in their eyes as you walked past them. For good measure, you stopped at the front door and turned to glare at them. "Six people came after me, one way or another, all six are dead and I don't mind adding a few more to that list. I'd just prefer not to dirty my hands with your blood unless I have to," you left no doubt that you would if needed. “I don’t care what your reasons are, just try to touch Tara, or anyone else I care about, just try to interfere in any way, and I will not stop until everything you ever created was gone. Your company, this house, any property you have, your reputation, and then your lives, there won’t be anything left.”

You wanted revenge for what happened to Susan, but you couldn't prove they hired Thomas.

So, this would have to do, unless they tried again. So, you left the house, slamming the doors behind you and hoping you would never have to hear or see them again.

~X~

You wouldn’t stick around Woodsboro for long, but you did drop by your former bosses to grab a bite and see how they were doing. The old couple did so much for you, renting that small apartment, giving you a job, they deserved your gratitude, but given what happened to Susan, you were cautious, afraid that being associated with you could cause them harm. Still, they were happy to see you, and you were just as happy to hear they were doing well. It was a busy day at the restaurant, and you were glad their business was doing so well, but it also meant they didn’t have time to chat, which was more than okay with you.

While you waited for your meal you went and called Tara, and she answered withing three seconds, which frankly didn’t surprise you.

“Y/N?” you could hear the worry in her voice.

“Hey, I’m fine, they won’t bother us again, they know what’s at stake for them,” you told her, easing her worries as quickly as you could.

You heard Tara sighing in relief and smiled a bit. “Thank goodness! I was losing my mind over here!”

“I’m okay, Love,” you assured her softly, your tone the complete opposite of her panicking, worry filled voice, even now that she heard you were okay.

“When are you coming back?” she asked, and you could imagine her fidgeting in your shirt with Sam trying to calm her down.

You looked around, no one was paying attention to you from what you could see. “I have the flight back in the morning, I’ll head back to Sacramento in an hour and spend the night in the hotel,” you told her, though you kept your voice low just in case. Were there reasons to be worried? Probably not, but you weren’t in top shape, you couldn’t fight that well right now.

“Okay, stay safe, please. I love you, Y/N,” Tara sent you a kiss through the phone and you smiled like a fool.

“I will, I love you too, Tara,” you replied.

“I see you and Tara are still going strong, not that I ever doubted you two,” you heard your former boss say as she brought you the food you ordered.

“Yeah!” you grinned at her.

~X~

Tara was waiting for you at the airport, she even let Sam drive your car because she knew you'd lose your mind over her driving it while you weren’t with her. She couldn't wipe the smile off her face, you called her after you left your parents' house, reassuring her you were perfectly fine and that you'd be on the first flight home. She was still worried, but she trusted you completely. You’d be fine, you knew how to take care of yourself.

Tara still couldn't quite wrap her head around the fact that your parents were involved. Her mother was definitely not a good parent, but as bad as she was, Tara doubted she would hire someone to kill her or Sam. Thomas' words came to her mind and her smile fell. Suddenly she felt vulnerable, surrounded by people she didn’t know. Everything around her felt too loud, too intense, there were too many people, and any one of them could put her and the people she loved in danger. She couldn’t live like that, she couldn’t constantly worry that she would somehow end up in the situation Thomas described. She had to move on, to the best of her abilities, and without parties and alcohol this time. The therapy was helping her, but more than that it was her desire to be as happy as she could be with you that pushed her to get even better. You’d be back home soon, and that thought helped her handle the bustling crowd a bit easier.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked her and placed an arm around her shoulders to comfort her.

Tara wanted to talk to Sam about it, but how could she? How could she say to her sister that she'd feel immeasurable guilt if she had to choose her instead of you? Prior to what happened at the bodega and especially before what happened at the theatre, she would say she'd never have to make that choice. You were strong. So, so incredibly strong, the idea of anyone actually being able to beat you felt unfathomable.

Yes, you technically were beaten when you first fought Amber and Richie, but that was because she was taken hostage and you still managed to get back on your feet and take her to safety. Stabs and bullet wounds, they couldn't stop you. A heart attack couldn't stop you. Even when you were hurt you could keep going, as you have proven time and time again.

When Tara thought of strength, she thought of you. To imagine a situation in which your life relied on her choice was almost impossible. To then add Sam being in a similar situation, and to further all that by saying Tara could only save one of you. It was beyond the realms of possibility to her.

But then you nearly died. Then it took you sixteen days to wake up and several days to even get up. You managed to lift her up off the ground right before you left New York, two days ago, and you struggled. You struggled to lift Tara up. You never struggled to do that, and Tara actually lost some weight since you nearly died. She just found it difficult to eat while you were in a coma, and she was yet to regain the weight she lost.

The image of an invisible MMA fighter was shattered and now Tara woke up, screaming and covered in cold sweat, from yet another nightmare that had you in that ambulance with doctors saying they couldn't stop your bleeding. That they were losing you. More often than not, when she would wake up like that you'd sit up and hug her right away and she could see in your eyes that you were awake long before she'd wake up. She still didn't know if you were having nightmares or if you couldn't sleep to begin with.

So, no. She couldn't say any of this to Sam. "Sorry, I was just thinking," she apologized to Sam, clamming up and refusing to talk. She still leaned to the side and returned the one-armed hug.

Tara noticed you immediately, even among the huge crowd she somehow always easily found you. And from the way you were already heading toward her, she knew it was the same way for you. She ran into your arms and despite some hesitation on her part, she didn't resist when you lifted her up, just a bit easier than when you left. "I don't think we need to worry about those two again," you muttered into her neck, once again reassuring her that everything would be fine in the future as you slowly set her back down.

"Mhm," Tara just relaxed, carefully remembering every detail of your hugs. She basked in the warmth of your touch through one of your shirts she had on. Your scent, your breath against her exposed neck, the firm grip on her waist it was all you and she loved it.

When she separated from you Sam took her opportunity and hugged you as well. "Welcome back," she said, prompting you to smile.

"It's good to be back," you said, and Tara understood you weren't talking just about coming back from Woodsboro. You were still rather thankful for waking up from a coma without any lasting effects on your health. "How's the apartment hunting going, by the way?" you asked.

"We found one, we like it, we think you'll like it as well," Sam said.

Tara, not wanting to leave your side for even a moment now that you were away from her for two days, took your hand and pulled you along.

~X~

By the end of the week, you moved into your new apartment. It had three bedrooms, once again you chose to have one bedroom for the nights someone from your group chose to stay over. It was a bit bare, without much of a personal touch, and you were sure Tara would take it upon herself to change that about it as soon as she got time for that.

You thought the new apartment would chase away the nightmares, at least until you got used to it, but it didn't. Not eve Tara right next to you managed to chase the nightmares away.

You saw them, sitting in Susan’s living room, looking healthy, alive, happy. That’s how it always started, you’d enter the house and see Susan and Zack just like that. And then, as if you were an intruder that interrupted their lives, they’d turn to you and they’d change. They’d morph from how you remembered them into twisted abominations, rotting and carved up and enraged.

And every time Zack would attack you, pushing you back and doing his signature spinning back kick, the move he taught you, the move you adopted as your own signature during your career. It would always send you hitting the wall, and making his gloves fall from it to the floor, and they’d always roll over into your view. He’d then put you in a chokehold, and even if you wanted to you just wouldn’t move.

“Why?! Why did you let my mom die Y/N?!” he would demand again and again, and you’d look up to see the disappointment in Susan’s eyes.

“You killed me, if it wasn’t for you I’d still be alive,” she’d tell you.

You didn’t beg for forgiveness, or to be let go, not anymore. You’d just wake up when his chokehold would make you pass out, covered in cold sweat and breathing heavily.

You couldn't sit up though, instinctively choosing not to wake Tara up, so at least there was that. She had her own nightmares to deal with and soon enough, perhaps twenty minutes after you woke up Tara woke up as well, screaming. So, you immediately pulled her into a hug, her inhaler at ready in case she needed it.

Tara crawled onto your lap and pressed her face against the crook of your neck. "What are you dreaming about?" she asked, almost sounding afraid. In fact, she probably was afraid to ask that questions.

"Susan and Zack, blaming me for Susan's death," you admitted and Tara just hugged you tighter.

"It wasn't your fault. It's none of our fault lunatics want to hurt us," she said, repeating your words right back at you, and you nodded. Reasonably, you knew that, but it would still take a while to have a peaceful sleep.

"What about you?" you asked as you slowly played with a few strands of Tara's hair.

"I have nightmares of you in the ambulance, only you don't wake up this time, you die, I lose you," you felt a tear landing on the skin of your neck and gently kissed the top of Tara's head.

"I'm awake, Love, I heard your voice," even when you were in a coma you were vaguely aware of Tara always being by your side, and when you were ready to wake up it was her voice and touch that sped it up.

Tara pulled away slightly. "About what Thomas said," she began, but you pressed a finger against her mouth.

"It doesn't matter. It'll never happen. The situation will never be so dire," you said firmly, you couldn’t let her get stuck in those thoughts, Tara already had enough to deal with without Thomas’ words fucking with her head. “I will never let anyone force that choice on you!" you promised, and you'd keep that promise as long as you were alive.

Tara took a deep breath to calm down. “I know it’s an unlikely scenario, but still,” she muttered. “I can’t stand the idea of choosing between you and Sam. It feels like I’d give anything up for Sam, other than you, and the same goes the other way around,” she told you, shivering due to the cold. It was December after all.

“I’d scold you if it was any different,” you told her, you didn’t want Tara to ever again go through losing Sam. That was one thing you were absolutely certain of. No matter the cost, you would keep your family whole and that included Sam. You lost Susan, you never wanted to lose anyone else you loved in such a violent way.

Tara nodded. “I know, I’m counting on you to do that,” she managed to smile a bit before kissing you softly and you gently returned the kiss. It took some time, but you were both slowly getting better and talking about your trauma instead of bottling it up.

~X~

A week later you finally settled into your new apartment, and Sam was finally fine with leaving you two alone to go on a, preferably long, date with Danny. He really came through for all of you, bringing the police and paramedics to the theatre, not to mention finding you, which probably saved your life. He mentioned he heard a loud thud and went to check, hoping it was nothing, but there you were, bleeding out next to dead Thomas. So, as far as you and Tara were concerned, he was clear to move in whenever Sam decided she wanted to take that step.

You just stepped out of the shower after a workout, which actually went really well. You finally felt confident enough to get up with Tara in your arms, to carry her whenever she wanted you to, plain and simple you were doing much better now that you were building your strength back up. Your eyes still glanced down at the scar from the rebar when you stepped in front of the mirror. It came in through your lower back and went diagonally, exiting your body just beneath your chest and it was nothing short of a miracle that nothing important was damaged and that only the scar remained. Sighing, you grabbed your clothes and put them on, a comfortable shirt that was a bit loose on you now, since you still haven’t regained all your muscles, and tracksuit pants since you wanted to just relax with Tara.

The moment you entered your and Tara's bedroom she threw her arms around you and pulled you into a kiss. She clutched the back of your shirt and ran her fingers through your hair, tugging gently as she deepened the kiss. You wrapped your arms around her and pulled her as close to you as physically possible.

"So needy," you chuckled when she pulled back for a moment.

"Like you aren't?" she challenged, looking fiercely into your eyes.

"Mhm, I definitely am," it's been too long, way too long since you could just relax and make love to one another. You leaned down, kissing her neck.

"Baby," she moaned when you nipped at the side of her neck and you immediately pulled back, looking at her wide-eyed. Tara blushed but kept looking at you. "Baby, please," she said again, acting as if she never stopped saying that word all the while gently caressing the back of your neck.

There was a reason Amber chose to persistently call Tara 'baby', specifically, you were the reason because Tara would call you like that jokingly whenever you weren't immediately giving in to her demands. She stopped when she got together with Amber and just never went back to calling you like that.

"Say it again," you demanded, lifting her up, taking a few steps to the side and pushing her against the wall.

"Baby," she moaned into your ear as you unbuttoned the top buttons of her, previously your, button-up shirt and yanked it down, and since it was way too big for her it just fell from her shoulders.

"Again, Love," every time she said it you were more and more certain she would be able to completely get over what Amber did to her, that she'd eventually fully heal.

"Baby!" she cried out, maybe even a bit too loudly as you began kissing her bare shoulders and tugging the straps of her bra down.

"You are where I belong Tara," you pulled back, pressing your forehead against hers. She quickly captured your lips, making you both get lost in the passion. When you separated to catch your breath you looked her in the eyes.

It was a demand fueled by lust and desire and need for Tara, all fueled by the love you had for her. Nonetheless, you doubted you ever demanded anything with as much conviction and seriousness. "Spend the rest of your life with me. Marry me," you'd go through all the proper proposal stuff at a more appropriate time, but you couldn't stop yourself from blurting it out.

Tara looked at you just for a moment. Taking the demand in. "Thought you'd never ask," she smiled and kissed you one more time. The pent-up needs, desires and all the emotions, you’d satisfy them all, getting lost in one another until there was nothing else left in to world but you two and your love for one another.

Story masterlist / First part / Previous part / Next part

[b0nten]

MIGHT AS WELL

[SYNOPSIS] ˚⁀➷｡ a love like yours was hard to come across. one like you he’ll never find, nor does he wish for. he only wants you, had only the stars aligned.

[NOTES] ˚⁀➷｡ angst, mentions of vomiting, rindou calls reader some very nasty words!

rindou was good at doing splits. he was good at fighting. he was good at surviving in juvie. there were plenty of things rindou was skilled at, except one. and it just so happened to be gentle, loving, and funny. it happened to have h/c luscious hair and striking e/c eyes. it so happened to be you.

rindou had had his fair share of relationships and hook-ups, but never had the thought of falling in love crossed his mind. he was of the simple hit-and-quit type, a curse he loved to blame on his older brother, and therefore got along with the idea of never settling down.

one windy september afternoon, though, the stars finally had mercy on him and faith guided him to you. it would’ve been a normal day, another fight, another drink, another stroll through the streets but that particular tuesday it so happened to be special.

unlike after most fights, that day he was pissed. he had not found his correct footing and ended up slipping, falling face-first into a pile of rocks, inviting some maggots to take their chance to kick at him. although still coming out victoriously, rindou couldn’t contain his anger, but he couldn’t let it out anymore either, since there was nobody standing anymore, so he just bid his farewell, and with a purple face took a long walk.

that also ended up not working, so he rushed into the nearest convenience store he could find, thanking the universe he knew roppongi like the back of his hand, and sliding past every rack, he bolted for the refrigerators and took ahold of the biggest beer he could find.

he wasn’t even out of the store by the time he took his first sip. once out the door he moved to the right, leaning against the tempered glass, closing his eyes.

“are those hickeys or did you get beat up real’ good?”

“fuck you want from me?” he said, not even opening his eyes.

“you could at least look me in the eyes when you’re being an asshole, plum face.” you spat back, this time just as angry as rindou.

when he opened his eyes, cupid’s arrow struck him.

“i’m sorry, uh..”

“y/n.”

“i’m sorry, y/n, i’m having a bad day.”

“should’ve guessed, i’m sorry for the joke.” you apologized in return, and a faint blush spread across his cheeks.

“it’s alright, don’t worry.” rindou reassured, “rindou, by the way.”

“so, rindou, why are you drinking cheap 7-11 beer at 4 in the afternoon?” you couldn’t help but ask, since his purple face was too intriguing.

“wouldn’t wanna bore you with it, it’s alright.” the blonde said in return, taking another sip, “and the beer’s actually good.”

“i’ve got a feeling you wouldn’t bore me. still skeptical about the beer tho. come on, talk, it might actually help you.”

and as corny as the encounter may have been, that is how you two became the closest friends ever and, finally, started dating.

there was never a dull moment with rindou, from amusement park dates to museum visits to shopping or cooking together, everything was exciting. he made your heart pump faster every time you saw him, and his heart was ready to jump out of his chest every time he even thought about you.

through patching him up after fights and curling his hair, you were always there for him. in confessions of heartache and fears, you were each others’ shoulder to cry on. and one says that in order to love, one has to let live, so what was happening with him in front of you right now?

his hair was messy and his voice tried not to tremble or break, but the guilt was eating him alive since he had come to this decision. in those two years he had finally learned how to live and love because of you, you had never seen him like this, he is sure of that.

but still, how can he bring himself to just shoo away the love of his life, but how can he keep you with him when it’s just so dangerous? his heart is torn apart in two, and his mind blank. should he be selfish or selfless, whichever way the words may fit to what he wants to do? should you live and hate him or possibly die while loving him?

was it actually selfless to let you go and selfish to keep you? or the other way around?

“we’re done, y/n.”

his eyes are glued to a painting to his left. his eyes burn, trying not to let out any tears at all.

you feel like you can’t breathe anymore. their penthouse feels like a small metal box and the air around is thick. you think you can hear you heart break or maybe it’s the construction work being done outside. the first time he said it you thought you had misheard him, but he really wants to break up.

“rindou, what? are you for real?”

he doesn’t say anything, he just nods, this time just looking at the floor.

“speak to me, rindou, at least have some decency!” you half-yell, not being able to call him names.

“i’ve gotten bored,” he says, “two years was way too much to work and i’ve gotten tired.” he wants to bite his face off but he knows he has to stay still.

“bored? of what? of us, of me? what the hell are you on about, rin?” he almost breaks down when he hears you call him by his nickname, and the sweet memories it holds are just excruciating.

“yes. and don’t call me that, you cheap whore… i-i know you only used me for money and drugs so it’s hight time you go and find another one to screw.”

you’re left dumbfounded at his words.

“what has gotten into you? are you alright?” you step closer but he takes a step back. it shatters your heart even more, and here you were thinking it was already down to zero.

“wake up, y/n! i’m not in love! i don’t love you, i never have, you dumb, foreign, ugly slut! you were one of my many whores, what did you think was so special about you?”

he feels a lump build up in his stomach, and his mouth is drenched in saliva, he feels the need to throw up immediately.

he finds the silence strange, creepy, obnoxious, why aren’t you talking anymore? he musters up the courage to look up and he wishes he hadn’t. you’re there, or is it actually you? he can’t tell. he sees your figure, he sees your eyes.

your eyes. they’re empty. they’re nothing anymore. they look like they’re hollow. he’s scared, he’s disappointed in him, he’s even sicker in his stomach.

he turns around to go anywhere, and before he reaches the door you speak up.

“you might as well have beat me purple like how you were the day we met. it would’ve been easier to get over.”

upon you ending the sentence, he swings the door open and goes out, the impact with the wall closing it shut again. he finds the nearest hollow or almost hallow object — a plant — and throws up in there. he cries as he lets all of the built up anger, regret and sadness fill the flower pot. he curses himself out and curses bonten even more, but thank god you’re still in there.

[chososupremacist]

Authors note: I’ve had something that’s been kicking around in my head for the better part of a year. Even one smidgen of positive feedback and i will post a more in depth one shot!! pls be nice, i’m a first time writer :)

Blurb below!

He was a perceptive kid, for better or worse, a trait that would’ve served him well if his five year plan hadn’t gone to hell with the rest of Raccoon City. It’s another one of those things he’s retained, but it feels more like it’s been beat into him instead of honed. He supposes it’s still something that’s saved his ass multiple times, and sullenly wonders if maybe he’s been fighting too hard for a life he doesn’t even really want.

Is his ass even worth saving? Surely he’s outlived his usefulness by now, he can practically see it in the way that missions have become far and few between these days. The younger agents, green behind the ears and bright eyed, have been sent his way in hopes of increasing their chances of survival. It’s beyond fucked up, mentoring kids to just feed them into a world with all the survivability of a meat grinder. He likes to think that he’s actually put a dent in the world and bioweapons have just become that irrelevant, that his expertise is just no longer required, but unfortunately Leon’s naïveté died back somewhere between ‘98 and-

He knows it’s because he’s getting old. Every post-mission physical is looking grimmer, and he knows, okay, he knows that he’s probably not doing all he can to preserve himself, but he really can’t be bothered to give a fuck. If his body is giving out, who is he to say no? Very rarely has his refusal ever mattered anyway, based on experience, and he can’t imagine that changing anytime soon.

It’s a knock that pulls him from his agitated spiraling thoughts, breaking through the cottony haze of alcohol in between his ears. He yanks the front door with a lot more force than necessary (fuck, his shoulder really didn’t like that), ready to tear Chris a new one for getting on his ass about the drinking again, already growling that no, it’s none of your goddamn business what I do on my time off, Redfield before his eyes catch up with the rest of him and he snaps his mouth shut.

Leon Kennedy isn’t the type to be easily embarrassed per se, but he’ll admit that the fluster to his cheeks might be from mortification and not just the whiskey he’s been nursing.

[eightmandibles]

Mawaru Penguindrum Phrases Breakdown

I've written a big long post breaking down some of the repeated phrases of the show Mawaru Penguindrum because rewatching it a year ago gave me brainrot. Hope those who r interested enjoy.

Alright this has been occupying my brain for so long it should've started paying rent so I've decided to finally write it all up. Some of these are my own thoughts, but a lot of these are pieces of interpretations that are floating out there on the web. I just didn’t find any one place that compiles them all and puts them together.

Mawaru Penguindrum is the first Ikuhara show I ever watched and something about it really changed my brain forever even though I didn’t really understand what I was watching the first time through (because I was in middle school). I love its surreality and the density of its visual metaphors that all feed into each other has me like an insane person complete with a red string conspiracy board (that will be a section later). It’s show that challenges the viewers to piece together concepts and leaves questions for them to answer on their own, some intended and some probably not as much. I admire the ambition and the commitment to exist in a space that's between trite judgements of black and white, good and evil, and to trust the viewer to really engage with the work.

In this blog post I’m going to break down some of the major catchphrases of the show because they exemplify how the visual/thematic density rewards viewers who spend the time to really engage with the material. It also personally fascinates me as someone who enjoys these puzzle box-type themes and narratives that have the answers staring you right in the face from the beginning, but you just didn’t have the tools to understand what you were being cryptically told.

MAWARU PENGUINDRUM

We gotta start from the beginning and break down the title first of course.

MAWARU: spinning, turning, rotating - which brings themes like revolution and cycles to mind

It’s probably also nod to Revolutionary Girl Utena (though both shows share a lot of themes in examining and trying to challenge or examine societal norms, structures, and cycles).

PENGUINDRUM:

First layer of understanding: the physical diary that the Kanba and Shoma must find (actually it’d be more accurate the say the first layer is just being like “this is a nonsense word” but I digress)

Let’s do another layer of breakdowns -

PENGUIN: Flightless birds that belong neither to the land or the sea - chosen to represent the idea of the “unchosen.” Those in Antarctica need to rely on their community to survive in their harsh environment, huddling and rotating (mawaru…) to keep everyone warm.

There’s a common rumor out there that Ikuhara said penguins were also chosen because it sounds like “pingguo” which is apple in Chinese. Honestly I believe it because he seems to be the kind of person to say stuff like that, but also I’ve never found a source on this.

DRUM: An instrument that keeps a steady beat…like a heartbeat…badum tss. The apple in the show always being red reinforces this association.

Second layer of understanding: When the diary is lost, what the “penguindrum” is exactly becomes more nebulous and we start operating in a metaphor-as-reality world. In terms of visual representation in the show, the “penguindrum” is the “apple” the siblings have been sharing among themselves.

The Penguindrum being represented by an apple means there’s a lot of associations tied into its image. In the show, apples are a visual metaphor for being "chosen". Classically, apples are also the fruit of original sin (like fate…not to jump ahead but remember this for later) - which ties into the concept of “punishment” that Himari's fate is framed as.

Because of the breakdown from earlier (and also all the chest puncturing imagery in the show lol), we can also understand the Penguindrum to be associated with the heart - often in turn associated with love, which is a very loaded concept to dig through, especially as presented in the show (romantic, platonic, and/or familial connections; sacrifice, community, etc.)

Taking these all together, a third layer of interpretation is that Mawaru Penguindrum refers to the cycle (Mawaru) of sharing bonds/fate/connection/love (Penguindrum) between the show’s characters.

SURVIVAL STRATEGY

This phrase is what signals the Princess of the Crystal's presence and initiates the transformation sequence that takes the brothers into a surreal world.

The common reading of this is again the reference of penguins needing to huddle together to survive the cold of Antarctica. They rotate who bears the cold wind of the outside circle in order for the whole flock to survive. Basically, we need the help and support of each other to survive the cold winds of an uncaring society.

While thinking on this phrase, I was struck by how every character’s drive in the show can be explained as “survival strategies” they learned as children. Perhaps it’s a bit of a stretch to apply it in the way this phrase is used in psychology, but I do think it at least refers to the ideology characters take on as children due to their traumatic childhood events or from flawed role models.

Ringo’s “survival strategy” is the most explicitly stated in the show: in episode 6, she believes her parents are on the verge of divorce because she is not Momoka - therefore to keep her family together she resolves to become Momoka. 

The origin of Kanba and Himari’s core approaches to life appear in the flashbacks of episodes 5 and 9 respectively. The Takakura parents each protect the two adopted children from injury by glass, a nod to their original unchosen fate. In doing so, they’re set up as the direct masculine and feminine role models that the two children learn from and model themselves on. I’m not sure it’s accurate to say that the lessons they internalize are strictly “wrong,” because I don’t think Penguindrum is interested in discussing characters like that, but they definitely are flawed.

Shoma deals with guilt from his family’s “sin” and grapples with the idea of taking responsibility for his parents’ actions.

Tabuki and Yuri still believe themselves to be “unloved children” and that’s why they keep pursuing Momoka or seeking revenge for her. They struggle to believe there’s a place in the world for them without their savior there.

Masako is a pretty clear one as well - she internalizes her grandfather’s habits and beliefs in order to try and fit in, even if it never earned her any respect in his eyes.

The childhood of the characters in the show informed how they viewed the society they grew up in, and what they needed to do or become in order to survive.

YOU WHO WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, FIND THE PENGUINDRUM

Honestly I’m obsessed with the phrases that first sound like absolute nonsense, but cool absolute nonsense. This is the phrase that made me want to write this blog post in the first place.

The phrase is the call-to-action by the mysterious Princess of the Crystal. On first viewing, we can interpret so little of this sentence it’s really just a tool to sound cool and give us a snapshot of the Princess of the Crystal’s personality - haughty, cryptic, and generally unhelpful. It gives Kanba and Shoma a goal, even though neither us nor them understand what the hell it is.

YOU WHO WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING

As the show goes on, the themes and concepts around being a chosen or unchosen child arise. Those who are unchosen and unloved go to the Child Broiler to be turned into glass. This is semi-metaphorical and semi-literal (diegetic might be an appropriate word in a weird way) - metaphorically it can be interpreted as becoming a forgettable, blandly molded member of society, though being processed is acknowledged more like death in the show. In some ways that’s still accurate.

Each of the siblings started without an apple, literally-metaphorically starving of love and unchosen - originally they were fated to never amount to anything.

FIND THE PENGUINDRUM

Obviously this initially refers to the diary in the show, but as we broke down earlier PENGUINDRUM eventually takes on a more loaded meaning akin to love, bond, and connection.

So over the course of watching the show, the phrase transforms from a one-sided order and condemnation to a call to action. Put all together with a little more elaboration: You who were unchosen and unloved from the beginning, in order to survive in this harsh world you must find love and connection with people to share your life with, through good and bad.

I COME FROM THE DESTINATION OF YOUR FATE

Time to bust out the conspiracy red string board, literally-metaphorically.

The Red Line is the literal, metaphorical, and thematic spine of the show. There are two big starting categories for viewing The Red Line in the show, which then mix together to create new meanings as the show references it through imagery and dialogue.

First up, the Red Line refers to an actual train line that the entire show takes place upon, the Tokyo Metro Marunouchi line. The entire show is structured around the train line which starts with the Ogikubo Station and ends at Ikebukuro, with important locations being linked with the actual train stops. It was one of the train lines attacked in real life as part of the Tokyo subway sarin attack in 1995 which the Pingu group’s terrorist attack in the show is a very transparent reference to. This single point in time in 1995 is the origin of almost everything in Mawaru Penguindrum, and in fact almost half the cast is born on the exact day the Pingu group attacks, just to emphasize how closely their fates are tied to the attack.

Second, the Red Line can be seen as a representation of fate, as in the red string of fate. Fate and destiny are concepts brought up over and over again, with Shoma and Ringo having their own monologues about it in the first two episodes (and Kanba having his much later). The visualization of the red string of fate can also be seen in the ending animations.

Somewhere in between is the Red Line as the metaphor of a train to visualize fate. Fate is something that can’t be changed - just like how trains run on fixed tracks with fixed destinations. Of course this is challenged in the show - Momoka even uses the metaphor of changing train tracks to explain her ability.

Now, fate has its own set of associations, such as: destiny, love, connection, bond (hmm familiar), as well as superstitions like fated meetings, fated demises, divine determination.

These can start branching off into concepts like blessings, sins, retribution, and karma (cue the Fate monologues again). And now we start getting back into the idea of cycles: downward spirals of getting what one deserves for their actions, passing on one’s sins to those after you - or virtuous cycles of doing good deeds and passing love and care forward.

Often in discussions of fate, familiar questions arise. Does the beginning determine the end? Is the end fated from the beginning? And so the Red Line becomes the Red Circle, another visual device seen throughout the show. It’s all over the motion graphics of the show and appears around the train stations as well as around ‘95’, referencing the originating incident of it all - the beginning of the Takakura family that determined their end.

What I love about this use of the Red Line is that however you progress your understanding of the its importance to the show, it all helps you further understand any concept Mawaru Penguindrum is discussing. This coherence and repetition of visual metaphors is what allows the show to feel more texturally and thematically cohesive even when it starts getting loose in a plot sense.

(Going back to the initial phrase, I COME FROM THE DESTINATION OF YOUR FATE is said by the Princess of the Crystal in her introduction monologue. It likely lampshades the predetermined ending that the Takakura brothers are so desperately trying to avoid. But also, there is a much funnier, much more literal interpretation I enjoy - Ikebukuro, the last stop on the train line, is where the aquarium the siblings visit is. It’s also where the brothers bought the novelty penguin hat for Himari. So the Princess of the Crystal literally came from the destination (last stop) of your fate (the red line)!)

LET’S SHARE THE FRUIT OF FATE

This turns out to be the secret key phrase needed to activate the diary in order to change the tracks of fate, which Ringo uses at the end of the show in order to prevent another train attack from succeeding.

It’s probably not too hard to piece together what the fruit of fate is after all of this. In a sense, this phrase is just a repeat of Mawaru Penguindrum, just as an actual sentence with a bit more coherence.

I’ll bear your burdens and you’ll bear mine, and in doing so, let us forever be connected.

Wow, finally expunged these thoughts from my brain. Maybe somewhere in me there's still something left for a discussion on how the show uses repeated imagery and visual metaphor to communicate information and associations to the viewer that are vital to actually understanding what's going on because it's a narrative that half exists a non-literal thematic space but for now:

Thanks for reading!

[echoweaver]

Get to Know You - Sims Edition

I was tagged by @hazely-sims. It takes me a while to respond, but I love being tagged.

What’s your favorite Sims death?

I’ve had to do some extreme challenge rules to let my sims die of anything other than old age. I have a difficult time letting my sims take risks that might get them killed. Amusingly, I don’t like that that pets have no other ways to die in the vanilla game because even though I don’t let them die, I want it to be meaningful for me to take care of them. 🤷‍♀️

OTOH, I love ghosts. I’ve added death types for cats and dogs with my Pets mods, and I’ve explored ALL the ghost types ad nauseum to pick ones that go well with those death types. A lot of the most obscure ghosts are the best ones. Vampire Thirst has a beating heart that is really impressive. Mummy’s Curse has neat color effects. Freezing to Death puffs out fog breath. They’re great, and they work seamlessly with pets.

Alpha CC or MaxisMatch?

Almost exclusively MaxisMatch. I used to use a mix, but over time the clash of art styles really started bothering me. Going all-alpha is way more work than all-mm, and I actually enjoy my sims’ lightly cartoony appearance.

Do you cheat your sims weight?

No. I want my sims to have a variety of weights, and I prefer body weight to just be genetic. My second gen heir for the Samples, Lancelot, was pretty heavy, and he was Athletic, so I made him a bodybuilder. Then he passed that physique down to his kids because Sims 🙄. After that, most of my sims have ended up slim by chance. My choice of mate is in-game and almost entirely gameplay driven, so there’s no particular reason partners would be slim or fit.

Do you move objects?

Since I’m very gameplay-driven, you’d think I wouldn’t use it much, but @hazely-sims is right. How can you play without it? If you use the default game restrictions, everything in your house ends up looking like it was place on a grid, which it kinda was.

Favorite Mod?

Good grief. I’m going to set aside NRaas, since that suite is rightly most people’s choice. One mod that’s had a big effect on my game is @flotheory‘s Make a Mess. Toddlers got to be incredibly boring, and EA reacted by creating store content that allowed them to skill themselves and be as unintrusive as possible. That was the wrong choice! Toddlers need to be a big PITA. You need to watch them every minute. That’s a real simulation of toddlerhood!

I also have gotten into more detailed survival simulation with my medieval game. @anitmb‘s Hunting Mod has been a big part of making that fun. Also Ingredients Overhaul and custom harvestables and recipes (psst Plantable Wheat)

First Expansion/Game Pack/Stuff Pack?

I played The Sims and TS2, but not very long. I didn’t learn about fan-made challenges until TS3, and that’s when I really fell in love. So that’s the first game I bought expansions for.

Not very creatively, the first one I bought for TS3 was the first one that came out, World Adventures. That seems like a controversial one, but I love it. I guess the Game Pack equivalent for TS3 would be functional store content. I honestly don’t remember what I bought first.

Do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing

aLIVE. Sims isn’t the only software to have a live mode, and that’s always how I’ve understood it to be pronounced. I didn’t even know people pronounced it like LIVing, but I can see how that would make sense for Sims.

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

I technically haven’t MADE a lot of sims because I’m obsessed with naturally born genetics. I download a lot of sims with interesting faces and load them into my game, then let NRaas StoryProgression pair them off and, using its Advanced Genetics, populate my town with interesting genetic combinations.

Have you made a simself?

Yup! Echo Weaver. Some sim friends over the years have put her in their games too.

Which is your favorite EA hair color?

I am SO SICK of all the TS3 hair presets.

Favorite EA hair?

Another difficult answer. There’s a braided updo that came with one of the expansions that I think looks wonderful on all female sims, but I’d have to look it up. That said, I don’t like repeating hairs in a game very often.

Favorite life stage?

Yeah, adult is where you can do the most stuff. I’m not sure it’s my favorite exactly. I like roleplaying each life stage to build a sim’s personality. My Gen 8 Sample sims are kids, so I’m thinking in kid mode at the moment and really enjoying @olomayasims Void Critters mod. Seems like most of the really fun gameplay for non-YA/Adult comes from mods.

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

I can’t build my way out of a cardboard box. Definitely gameplay. I think this is the wrong question, though, since there are way more options than those two. My answer would probably still be gameplay, but the gameplay wouldn’t be nearly as fun if I weren’t building a story out of it.

Are you a CC creator?

Trick question! I mod, but I don’t art. So it depends on how broadly you mean cc? 😁

Do you have any Simblr friends or a Sim Squad?

Definitely have friends! Back in the WordPress days, I made a private Facebook community and invited a bunch of my Sims-playing pals. That was probably a “squad.” These days, I’m here, and I’m friend with folks who read and comment on each other’s stuff. I probably wouldn’t still be here without those relationships.

Do you have any sims merch?

I don’t think I’ve even seen TS3 merch. LOL.

Do you have a YouTube for sims?

I cannot stand watching other people play video games on YouTube unless it’s a tutorial. My play style would be horrible to watch because I go on random tangents to tweak lots and down population in the middle of gameplay. Yeah, I’ll skip that and keep to telling stories with screenshots.

How has your “Sims style” changed throughout your years of playing?

I have gotten increasingly wish-driven and more focused on “emergent” sim personality.

Only year 13 or 14 of playing this game, I’ve gotten into challenges that are world aesthetic in addition to gameplay, such as the medieval history challenge (Morbid’s Ultimate Decades Challenge). That involves buckets of cc, a medieval-themed custom world, and a bunch of social rules in addition to just day-to-day gameplay. I want to feel like my games are different experiences.

Since I have trouble making my sims deliberately take risks, and I don’t think I could deliberately kill an active sim, I’ve looked for ways to add hardship into the game. I want to keep my sims relatively poor. I want there to be ways in the challenge for them to die. I want to have real life obstacles for my sims to overcome.

What’s your origin id?

It’s either Echowever or Echoweaver. I misspelled it initially and tried to fix it when EA moved the site to its newer account system. I can’t remember how that turned out. I think it’s Echowever in some places and Echoweaver in others. 🤦‍♀️

Who’s your favorite CC creator?

Gah. I started to answer this 3 times.

I love cc creators! I’m afraid to list any for fear of leaving anyone out who I also love. You’re all amazing!

How long have you had simblr?

I looked this up for a different meme, and I created this account in 2013. I haven’t been on it consistently during that time. I also took a 3-year hiatus from the game entirely and came back during the pandemic.

How do you edit your pictures?

For most of my time storytelling with this game, I haven’t edited my pics at all. In the last year or so, I’ve added ReShade with a pretty unobtrustive preset. mostly just to sharpen things up a bit and improve light quality. I’ve started editing dark shots in Photoshop Elements to increase the light or remove photobombing gui elements.

Not much overall though.

What expansion/ gamepack is your favorite?

Oof with the hard questions. Probably Seasons. The weather and holidays add a lot of depth and character to the gameplay.

Mmmmm. Who to tag? I’m not sure who hasn’t done this yet. @withlovefromayre? @pudding-parade?

[enriquemzn262]

I don’t think enough people understand how incredibly powerful Eminem is, which is strange because he has been constantly informing us of his capabilities for years

Let’s start with his healing factor. Eminem seems to be virtually immortal, capable of surviving all manner of fatal injuries unphased. In the song I’m Shady, he states sings “The ill type, I stab myself with a steel spike/While I blow my brain out, just to see what it feels like.” This man mutilates himself recreationally.

This regeneration ability seems to have manifested in his early youth, as in the song Brain Damage, he recalls a time in which his brain fell out of his skull and simply and casually picked it up and put it back in his head (“She beat me over the head with the remote control/Opened a hole, and my whole brain fell out of my skull/I picked it up and screamed ‘Look bitch, what have you done!?’/‘Oh my God! I'm sorry son!’ ‘Shut up you cunt!"/I said ‘Fuck it!’ Took it and stuck it back up in my head/Then I sewed it shut and put a couple of screws in my neck.”

He is also seemingly unaffected by the loss of limbs, being able to function perfectly with just one leg (“But she swallowed my fuckin' leg whole like an egg roll/With one leg left, now I'm hoppin' around crippled,” As the World Turns)

Eminem seems to possess elemental abilities that could rival or even surpass those of X-Men’s Storm, considering that he’s “hot enough to melt hell and burn Satan too,” can “catch lightning in a bottle” and “set fire to water” (Cinderella Man). In addition, he is “cold enough to make the seasons change into freezing rain” (Bad Meets Evil)

If Eminem ever finds himself in a disadvantageous position, he can summon the power of his “Gadget Dick.” While the full capabilities of this appendage are unknown, it is capable of causing an earthquake and power outage upon being “whipped out.” So we can comfortably assume that his penis alone is a city-level threat at the very least (“Just tryna buy me some time then I remembered this magic trick/Duh-dah-duh-dah-duh-duh! Go-go gadget dick!/Whipped that shit out, and ain't no doubt about it/It hit the ground and caused an earthquake and power outage,” As the World Turns)

He has canonically killed Superman (“I killed Superman,” Rain Man), he possesses a “spider sense” on par with that of Spider-Man’s (“My spider sense is telling me Spiderman is nearby and my plan is to get him next,” Rain Man), he is capable of of destroying Iron Man’s armor with his acidic saliva, as well as turning Iron Man into plastic (“Salivas like sulfuric acid in your hand it'll eat through/Anything metal, the ass of Iron Man/Turn him into plastic so for you to think…” On Fire) and has battled the likes of Freddy Krueger and survived unscathed (“Walked up Elm Street with a fuckin' Wiffle bat drew/Fought Freddy Krueger, and Edward Scissorhands too/Then came out with a little scratch, ooh,” Underground).

He is capable of stealing other people’s abilities (“Have Michael Myers looking like a liar/Swipe his powers, replace his knife with flowers and a stack of flyers,” Underground). He also possesses the same abilities as the Hulk (“I’m unstoppable, Incredible Hulk,” Drop the World) and considers himself superior to Thor (“So you’ll be Thor and I’ll be Odin,” Rap God)

By his own admission, he holds the entire planet in the palm of his hand (“So tell Saddam not to bother with makin’ another bomb cause I’ve got the whole world in my palm,” Still Don’t Give a Fuck), implying that he is some sort of entity similar to the Buddha from Journey to the West. He could crush this world anytime he wants.

He is capable of surviving a fall into Hell, can withstand the heat of hellfire and casually manhandle Satan (“Splattered all over the entire state/and straight to hell, got impaled by the gates/Saw Satan, stuck his face in an ashtray/While I sashayed around flames with a match/And I gave him the gas face,” Wicked Ways)

He can manipulate time itself (“Smash an hourglass, grab the sand, takes his hands and cup 'em/Spin a rhyme to freeze the clock, take the hands of time and cuff 'em… Rewound the future to the present, paused it, don't ask how,” Cinderella Man), and possess reality warping capabilities that defy logic (“Fuck catchin' lightnin', he struck it, screamed, ‘Shut up’ at thunder/Then flipped the world upside down and made it rain upward,” Cinderella Man)

His very existence defies God (“Shit, I ain't even supposed to be here by the grace of God,” Cinderella Man)

And top of all that… he’s just straight up omnipotent (“I’m omnipotent,” Rap God)

So, sorry Goku fans, Superman fans, Rimuru fans, Ben 10 fans, Saitama fans, etc, Eminem stomps your favorite character

Now you made me remember why I stopped being an Eminem fan the moment I became fully bilingual.

[acetheta]

i never let myself fall in love. i never let myself even think about loving someone. love was nothing but pain, nothing but anguish.

i’m not saying i feel love towards this boy. i feel something though. chiron told me his name is percy jackson. i’ve just been helping out chiron, helping this boy heal. the news about his “grand entrance” into camp has been spreading like wildfire, and let’s just say it ain’t pretty.

apparently, he beat the minotaur. yeah, that would be impressive for anyone at camp, i think. but… because of my past? holy hera… who is this boy?

he intrigues me, i’ll admit. we’ve been giving him so, so much ambrosia. even a little bit would kill any mortal. you have to be really careful when giving it out, even to someone who is a demigod.

i guess i should explain some things. hi, my name is annabeth chase. my dad is just a normal guy (aside from being a jerk that is), but that’s basically the only normal thing about me. my mom is athena, the greek goddess of wisdom. yep, the greek gods are real, surprise! they have navigated to different areas over time, until they arrived here, in new york.

i live at camp half-blood, a safe place for demigods to stay and train for battle. it’s located in long island sound, at the end of a farm road 3.14. you see, demigods are chased by types of ancient greek monsters, so we need to be ready when we go against them. the real world is way too dangerous for a large majority of us, so a lot of us stay at camp. more people than not go home when summer ends, but i don’t. i’ve lived at camp since i was seven, when i ran away from my dad’s home in virginia.

chiron, the camp director, has been there for me ever since. i honestly would trust him with my life. well, i guess i do. i think he trusts me too, since i’ve known him for quite some time now. if anyone were to be my dad, i would want him to take on that role. yes, he is the same chiron who trained the heroes from greek mythology. he migrated to america when the gods did, been here ever since.

percy keeps coming in and out of consciousness, making random noises as he does. he must be on the literal verge of death. at this point. i’m not going to let him jump off this cliff, though. not just because he’s so interesting, but because he’s a person. he, as with anyone else at camp, deserves to live a life.

he’s strong, i know that at least. how could anyone, but specifically a twelve year old defeat a horribly powerful, ancient monster? it shouldn’t be possible. my mind has been running a thousand miles a minute, ever since he has arrived. although, it always does. i have adhd, dyslexia too. a lot of demigods do. adhd helps give us fast reflexes on the battle field, and dyslexia helps us read greek. it’s wired in our brains, there to help us survive.

i won’t let myselt get attached to him, i won’t. he’s just another camper… right? he was probably just lucky. probably.

i help him sip some nectar, and then he drifts back into a state of sleep. i let myself look at him, observe him. his eyes are fluttered shut and his hair is colored jet black. he makes me almost angry. there’s no reason for it, he’s just a boy. but he does. he makes me so unbelievably rageful.

what is it about you, mystery boy? what is it that intrigues me so? and how do i make it stop?

love is dangerous, that’s something i’ve known since a very young age. love makes you do stupid things, like ruin people. like ruin lives.

[pinkandgoldensoul]

(Some) F1 drivers as guys I’ve met in high school

: ̗̀➛ Charles Leclerc - the fattest crush of my life. literally would turn red like a traffic light anytime I saw him enter the classroom and choke on my own saliva whenever he said hi to me. Not helpful, since he’s been my historical deskmate. I honestly don’t know how I survived sitting next to such a positive, fun, confident, trustworthy and shamelessly handsome guy. Brown hair, big green eyes either sparkling with childhood mischief or pure innocence, and the most athletic guy I’ve ever seen in real life (he’s a sportsman). Definitely had any girl lying at his feet - and he was extremely aware of it - but only cared about his girlfriend and never bragged about his charm. Humble af despite his family being quite wealthy and him being such a nice person. I’ve involuntarily been his point of reference for anything school-related and he’d blindly trust me, which always made my heart melt. He’s the type of guy you need to send a “let me just screenshot this so that I discuss it with my bff-lawyer before replying” text when you see a notification from him. And he’s also the one you look from afar, contemplating his senseless perfection. “I’m so lucky to live in the same historical and geological era” “I don’t know if I’m worthy of him” kind of vibe.

: ̗̀➛ Carlos Sainz - a unique type of nerd. At the beginning he deliberately ignored me. Then he started slowly talking to me about things he really enjoyed and, seeing I was okay with it, he began showing me books he liked, getting all excited in passionate perorations, lending them to me and demanding I’d give him my piece of mind. Also bought and gifted me for Christmas  the copy of a novel he was reading ‘cause he thought I’d be interested (the weirdest and most awkward gift-receiving experience of my whole life. I’m not doing it again). Really liked to push all my buttons to see my reaction (but I ultimately gave him a lifetime lesson) and had a few banters. Don’t think we were really that compatible, he was too opinionated for me, but most of the times I enjoyed having conversations with him. Friendly jokes and benevolent banters with Charles; he’s been class representative for five years, once together with Max.

: ̗̀➛ Max Verstappen - the lonely, misunderstood genius. Didn’t give a crap about school and spent his free time riding motorbikes and getting hands dirty with engine oil. Everybody knew he was original (he had a lot of other hobbies and interests) and all my teachers always felt challenged by his way of thinking. Not afraid to speak up, at all. We’d never talked in five years, but during the dinner we had with all the professors before our finals, completely drunk, he sat next to me and started asking me things about my life. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, but I think he struggled following the conversation since I had to repeat myself at times (he didn’t even hear a tipsy friend of his calling his name twice. “UH?! What?!”). It’s one of the deepest conversations I’ve had in my life. I think in another life we would’ve been good friends, at least. Elected class representative and we still don’t know how but ngl, it didn’t feel that wrong because we’ve always known he’s got that… plus.

: ̗̀➛ Lewis Hamilton - the dreamer. Not very focused on studying, but chased his dream of becoming a dancer like crazy. He was insanely good - like, national level - and skipped a lot of school days to attend competitions. Pretty energetic, confident, mr brightside; always blasting music through his wireless speaker whenever we got out and vibing. If he knew you had a dream, a passion or a special hobby, he’d push you and encourage you as much as possible. Incredible motivator and coach. S t y l i s h     a s     h e c k . Could rock anything but chose to beat us all every single day. Really good friend of Charles. Actually chatted with everybody, but wasn’t really that close with a lot of people.

: ̗̀➛ Alex Albon - the surprising kid. A mediocre student throughout the years, but actually a math and physics enthusiast and genius. He started to show signs of his abilities only in the last year and a half. The only one actually knowing what he was doing with formulas lmaooo Surely wasted in the type of high school I was in* and he acknowledged making the wrong decision, but he didn’t know back at the time he liked physics that much. One of the most chilled out and laid back people I’ve met, really pleasant to talk to. Would often find ourselves in bad situations and look at each other as to say: “It’s a mess, but nothing I hadn’t expected to happen anyway”. The defeated-but-we-already-knew-when-we-started resigned duo. * we mainly studied humanities. We also had physics and chemistry classes, but there are other types of high school more “science” oriented, which would’ve been way more suitable for his skills. #badchoices

: ̗̀➛ Valtteri Bottas - i haven’t figured him out. Like, he was pretty basic and easy to talk to, but had so many hidden interests. Currently studying aerospace engineering. Part-time cosplayer. His instagram posts have descriptions we’re still trying to decipher. Sometimes perceived as a low-key genius, others acting like a fool. I honestly don’t know what to think of him, he just confused me a lot lol.

: ̗̀➛ Bonus: Mick Schumacher - first love. From another class, but the same high school. A bit reserved at first, but the ultimate sweetheart. Thoughtful, polite, calm, soft-spoken, kind, just- you get it. Awkward hugs, talking on a bench for three hours as a first “date” and arguing about who’s going to pay for breakfast (‘cause I couldn’t accept him being the one to pay, like, we were just friends). That was the first time I felt the need to shower someone with love without caring about being reciprocated, at all. I’ve been in the friendzone - voluntarily - for 3 years only to get to know from a shared friend that he had got together with a girl four months prior but didn’t want/ didn’t know how to tell me. To this day he doesn’t know a thing. Not in love with him anymore, but unknowingly gave me the best thing I’ve ever felt. 

[itcamefromthetoybox]

The Mystery Brick

February is here and the groundhog saw his shadow, so expect six more weeks of whatever the hell weird weather you’re getting thanks to the horrors of climate change. With Valentine’s Day this month and Easter coming soon, I thought that this month, we could take a look at a type of toy that’s affordable, that kids love, and that’s a nice, cheap gift to throw in a basket or heart-shaped box: blind bags and boxes! And, since I’m on a Lego kick lately, I figured we could start with their highly successful line of blind bags, “Lego Minifigures!”

First, let’s talk about what blind bags and boxes are, because I guarantee someone only has a vague idea. Toy companies will sometimes sell smaller, less expensive toys in packaging that hides what toy you’re getting. Sometimes, there’s ways to figure out what toy’s in the packaging, but sometimes, it’s a gamble. The idea is that you’ll shell out a ton of cash to buy a bunch of these because you want one specific toy, who tends to be harder to find. In my experience, what happens with these is that you keep getting doubles of a really common toy, and there’s only so many of these you can sell on eBay before you feel like you’re running a scam, and then you’re $32k in the hole and the mob wants you to repay your debt by doing something you’re not sure you can live with, and then it’s ten years later and you’re running a toy blog and you’re not sure you recognize the man in the mirror anymore after the things you did to survive that one night.

“Lego Minifigures” are the Lego blind bags, with each bag containing a single minifigure that you can’t get in a regular set, some accessories, and a base to display the fig on. The line’s been going on since 2010 and is on its 24th series of minifigures, and tends to be one of the better blind bags to buy. Since the figs are in a foil package, you can squeeze and feel around on the bag to try to figure out which toy you’re holding, and the distinctive packaging each series has means you can tell right off the bat who some of the minifigures you can get are, unlike some other blind bags where you’re basically going off your Jedi powers to try to avoid doubles.

Now, just so we’re all clear, the main pic for this review is the package for series 24, but I did use minifigures from a few different series for this review. I’m doing a general review of the line as a whole, and not just one specific series.

Often times, the different series will have a theme for all the minifigures in it. Past series have focused on “The Simpsons,” different Lego movies, holidays, classic Disney, and even Marvel Disney+ shows. There do tend to be some recurring ideas in the different series, though. For example, the line loves reimagining different characters from Lego’s history, such as the final boss of the 90’s “Lego Racers” games Rocket Racer.

Beating this guy in the first game triggers a depressive episode that lasts until the sequel. So good job breaking a man’s spirit, kids!

Another fun recurring idea Lego likes to include is characters based off historical and literary figures, though, often without distinctive names, with descriptors such as “Rococo Aristocrat” used as names instead. But let’s be honest; we all know that’s Marie Antoinette.

Yes, the head is removable.

The line’s also very fond of characters dressed as foods, who will often have a large food costume to wear. Many of the food characters will also come with hair pieces you can give them if you don’t want this dude to be dressed as a carrot for the rest of his life.

Spoiler: his hair’s as orange as his outfit.

The line also has fun including accessories you build yourself or can’t get anywhere else, such as Robot Warrior’s gun, which I had to assemble and was terrified of losing part of, and his helmet, which I’ve yet to see anywhere else.

Fresh from his appearance as a generic villain in a ton of 90′s sci-fi games.

You can also expect to see a lot of characters dressed as animals, which can be a real treat if you happen to be a fan of certain things, like dinosaurs or giraffes.

Yes, I could have made that its own paragraph, but I wanted an excuse to use this pic.

Characters in this line tend to get a bit more special features than the standard minifigure, with extra paint apps on some characters, or kid minifigures with articulated legs that the regular kids don’t have, like the Popcorn Costume Kid. It tends to make getting blind bag figures feel worth the price point, and, since Lego minifigures all have interchangeable parts, you can take special parts and put them on other figures.

Finally, Lego children can embrace the wonder of soccer!

Now, you probably noticed a lack of criticism in this review. That’s because I have very few issues with the line. Since you can feel the bags to try to figure out what’s in them, you have a better chance of avoiding minifigures you don’t want, which is usually my main complaint with blind bag items. Yes, sometimes the characters they include can be less than impressive, but that’s more a matter of personal taste than a statement on the quality of the line. The figures are the usual high Lego quality. 

That’s not to say the line’s perfect, mind you. I do have one issue with this brand: the lower number of female characters. It’s pretty noticeable looking back over the past series, and took until series 19 for “Lego Minifigures” to include equal representation. I am happy to see more inclusion, but I’m annoyed it took 19 different series for it to happen.

I too once dressed as a cardboard box robot, and I too looked fantastic!

The “Lego Minifigures” blind bag series goes for about $6 a figure and are aimed at kids, though collectors of all ages love this line, especially with so many little callbacks to Lego history. The figures are perfectly compatible with standard Lego sets, so you have nothing to worry about there. The only problem I have with them is the main issue I have with any blind bag: finding the one you want can be hard. Would I recommend this line of toys? Absolutely, especially with Valentine's Day and Easter coming. These are a great, inexpensive treat. Next week, we’ll continue our look at blind bags and boxes with a series focusing on some of the coolest reptiles to have ever lived! This is JS signing off and wishing you Happy Toy Hunting!

[zurgles]

Tarot reading 1

Question: How do I deal with my fear of entering psychosis again?

Deck: Shadowscapes tarot

Card: Temperance

Resources used: Numinous Tarot guidebook

I think this is telling me it’s okay to rely on my meds. Temperance is also known as Alchemy and I’ve seen it referred to as Chemistry (and Art) before.

I’m also remembering when I was doing tarot years that my temperance year was one where I was initially diagnosed with bipolar disorder (years later leaning schizoaffective disorder bipolar type) and I found myself learning about the fine line bipolar people have to tread to avoid going into depressive or manic states. These included lifestyle changes like going to sleep at the same time every night to ensure a good nights sleep, avoiding stimulants like caffeine and depressants like alcohol, and taking their meds consistently and optimally at the same time every day. Basically getting your systems to operate at clockwork (is that the phrase?). This might involve experimentation and adjustments like seeing if decaf coffee works for you, making bedtime routines and seeing what things help you relax and fall asleep faster. Keeping what works for you and leaving behind what doesn’t. That was actually a pretty intense year where I was out of balance and working on finding stability again (I found out my hormonal birth control was contributing a lot to my instability and mood issues along with other health problems).

I’m going to talk to my psychiatrist about making a minor increase in my medication to see if that helps with my symptoms on wednesday. I think that experimenting is another message of Temperance.

Now I’m going to read from the Numinous Tarot guidebook and see if there’s anything I might be missing….

It talks about integration and healing. After the loss in the death card, our old and new selves combine to become a new whole. I can see this as needing to find a way to integrate my experiences to allow me to move forward, taking what I need and leaving what I don’t or what is no longer relevant. After loss we are changed and have to adjust to a new normal. I think the numinous guidebook frames this as a more active change (“Temperance asks us to combine our experiences in a way that best supports us”).

I’m not sure how to do this practically or if I’m already doing it. It seems like it’s saying instead of being afraid of it happening again, heal from it and incorporate it into your library of lived experiences. Maybe I can say yes I experience psychosis but it doesn’t define me. Like the Numinous Tarot guidebook says, “we are more than the sum of our parts.”

The Shadowscapes card has a dragon and a phoenix being pulled into an orb to form a yin yang symbol within it. This makes me think of a whole unified self and how our spirits are immortal, and the many deaths and rebirths we go through in our lifetimes. It also makes me think of living in balance and tempering volatile substances into neutral(?) ones, or turning chaos into harmony.

I can integrate this last experience by reframing it as a beat in my life that proves I am a survivor and know that if it happens again, I can survive that too. I can also focus on what elements (like support systems) got me through it the last time and try to replicate the conditions necessary for delusion to turn into clarity if it should happen again.

I think that’s good for now.

[whateveryouwantmetodoiwilldo]

dylan, pappa, i don’t know if you’re reading this, or if you ever stumble on this account again but if you do then this is me, saying the bye bye that he was unable to get out because of all the sadness clouding his tiny mind and heart. because his anger to me for doing this to him felt to him so final that he couldn’t breathe good enough to even take in your comfort. it isn’t a forever bye bye like he said in his angered and saddened state clouded by his beating heart, it’s just a bye bye until christmas. though to a four year old boy that must feel like forever. it’s a bye bye until he turns five. a bye bye until the day that marks you spending a whole year together. a bye bye that is the hardest. i understand why he wasn’t able to do it because even i’m having an incredibly hard time typing and regulating myself amidst all the sobbing and panicking, the thoughts of how cruel i must be for doing this but also that i don’t think i could survive if i didn’t. a bye bye because i have to move on from all that is connected to this house and these feelings as it’s my time to fly to italy, because i have to get better and because i am going to. because i’m not going to mess up this opportunity, because i’m going to be a good person and because i never want to cause you an ounce of sadness again. but also because i have to, because my life is going to change weather i want it to or not, weather i’m ready for it or not. i’m going to take on the challenge and i’ve decided he isn’t going to do it with me. that it would be too much for him, that such a tiny boy couldn’t do it, not even with his pappa. and because he isn’t ready for that change, because he isn’t unselfish enough to live in the same body with me knowing that the change is going to happen. that it has to happen, for my health. for me to stay alive. it’s not his choice. and i know you think i’m unfair and was never kind enough to him but dylan i always tried. a bye bye because i’m currently deleting all the regression stuff off of my phone, because looking at it knowing i won’t have the safeness, the comfort and the happiest feelings of my life, until christmas breaks me in a way nothing else could. bunny is going to go away for a bit as well just like he is, i’m giving her for amelie to take care of until chrismas as to make sure i don’t mess something up on accident. to make sure that on christmas, he will return. because bunny will. as i won’t have any little stuff surrounding my life or my phone from this day forward i have made an effort to archive it all here, of course also as not to lose it forever but more importantly for another reason. when the missing and the crying and the depression gets too unbearable there’s a place to open up and look at: see all the happy. there was a lot of sad in his time being small and fragile and vulnerable but when i look back it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t matter the tantrums and anger and sadness and words left unsaid and fights left unresolved, sleepless nights that ended it tears. it matters the happy. it matters that you have healed him. in a way nothing has or ever will heal us again. it matters that you have single handedly as his pappa been the reason for the safest and most comforting support i’ve ever had or will ever have again in my entire life. for you being the reason we are recovering, not letting ourselves fall into traps of abusive people or stand by when we get mistreated. for you being the reason i can trust again, express myself again, dare to be me for the first time in my life and smile and giggle like i’m just a little kid who the world has never gotten the chance to hurt or damage. because when he’s with you is the only time i live in a bubble of safeness. where no one can touch me, where i’m never hit or yelled at and where i’m always made comfortable not just from outside but from inside too.

please choose to look at it the same. it’s all i ask of you, please look back and see the happy. don’t become sad because you can’t see him right now, become happy at knowing you will again. become happy because you see all the happy you had with him. because you met each other and because you helped each other heal, because you stuck by each other and because before you know you’ll have it all back. you’ll feel warm and fuzzy and safe with him in your arms just as he does in yours. and as you reflect back on all that happiness know that he is doing the same, that even when you aren’t together talking, giggling and telling stories you are together in your mind as well as his.

know that he’ll come back to his pappa,

ebba & little prince

[gold-wolf-soldier13]

So I’m watching Friendly Space Ninja’s video on the Originals cause I never watched it but my mom and sister swear by it and in the last hour he mentions that he thinking literally anybody could play Elena Gilbert, that it didn’t have to be Nina Dobrev and I 100% agree!! but not for most of the reasons most fans would.

So I started reading the original Vampire Diaries books back in like, the late 2000’s/early 2010’s so look I think I’ve got skin in the game here even if it’s been a minutes since I read them and I have never watch past the pilot episode of the tv show honestly because of Nina Dobrev

Like no hate to her she gets enough of it honestly but when people started talking about The Vampire Diaries as a tv series, she was the last person I would have picked simply because, well honestly she wasn’t fucking blonde.

And like I get it, “Gold that’s so shallow wtf” but Eleana Gilbert is a Very Special Character to me and I could have gotten over Elena not being Blonde™️ if they didn’t, seconds later introduce Jeremy and Not Aunt Judith I literally don’t remember her name on the show whoops and that shit took me out.

Aunt Judith and Margaret while never heavily involved in Elena’s supernatural struggles were a very integral part of her character, like fuckin spoilers for a book over 20 years old but keeping Margaret safe is one of Elena’s first interactions with Damon!!! he threatens her baby sister and she gives into him, letting him drink her blood against her will to keep him from doing anything to Margaret.

Elena is a bitch, she is kinda selfish and shallow- she’s a teenager!! she’s kinda supposed to be! She’s Queen Bee of Robert E. Lee High School and she didn’t get there by being fucking nice but she was never actively malicious- just a teenage girl who was used to getting everything she wanted because people just liked her and the showrunners for the tv show were fucking cowards

Because the tv show came out after Twilight even though the source material was written well before, TVD had to be like Twilight and that meant there was a love triangle and over the top dramatics because that’s just what the genre was at the time. Now I’m not saying that the book series didn’t have a love triangle but it just felt different in the book cause you knew from jump that it was always going to be Elena/Stefan, there was no way in hell that she was gonna end up with Damon and everyone knew that.

Which is what made the beginning of book 3 (I think I can’t remember, I owned the omnibus versions and I’m at work rn and can’t fact check myself) so shocking and actually made me ship Elena and Damon for a while. Elena had just died, run off the bridge that had killed her parents something the tv show actually gets right but she survives cause she and Damon had shared blood very recently and when she wakes up as a vampire, she has no memory of anyone besides Damon and for that brief moment Elena was honestly That Bitch™️ until she got her memories back and stopped being a bit of a menace

But even after that she handled her transformation really maturely from what I remember and from what I know of the show, that doesn’t happen and it’s a huge disservice to Elena as a character and Nina Dobrev as an actress because she was handicapped from the beginning by the showrunners!!

The writers purposefully chose to make Elena this timid, wallflower, whiney, “girl-next-door” type of character then didn’t understand why no one liked her as the main character and gave all of Elena’s best traits and story beats to Caroline. They kneecapped Elena from the start, designed her into a corner then floundered when their choices came back to bite them.

Elena Gilbert is the driving force behind the plot of The Vampire Diaries, and it’s such a shame the people in charge didn’t understand that because the show could have been so much better if they’d just embraced the material they had instead of trying to be Twilight and making her another version of Bella Swan.

[legendtraineremily]

Day 2 of My Pokémon Yellow Nuzlocke Challenge!

So, yesterday was interesting. Not altogether different from past play-throughs but that’s how it goes for the first bit of Generation 1 Pokémon games. The trouble is when you get to Brock and his Rock-type gym. Granted, his Pokémon are…not great. They don’t have any Rock-type moves in this generation, relying instead on Tackle and Bide which are both normal-type moves. The difficulty is in their Rock/Ground typing which makes Pikachu almost useless and their own defenses which make most attacks you lob at them bounce off almost harmlessly.

Oh. And Onix has Bind in Yellow version. Remember what I said in the post for yesterday about how trapping moves would basically end your own actions? Yeah, that’s a potential 5 turns of nothing but pain with no chance at retaliation.

Over-leveling will be the name of today as well as hoping for a Nidoran that can learn Double Kick, which is super effective against Rock-types. Enough talk, let’s do this!

Where was I? Oh, right. Getting through Viridian Forest and training my lower-leveled newbies. Side note, I’ve been a fan of using wild Metapod for easy EXP since I first played Pokémon back 20 years ago in Crystal version. (Wild Metapod don’t keep Tackle in their moveset for…reasons, I guess.) LeafGreen was a breeze as well with that trick.

Okay, out of the forest, healed up in Pewter city, and now it’s off to test my Route 2 luck. Please be a Nidoran; male or female, doesn’t matter, they all work for me. (Shoutout to my Bi and Pan friends! Hi friends!)

Success! I was worried about getting another Rattata, but Nidoran(Female) appeared for me. That is a great relief for the gym but not for my time—I’ll have to train her up quite a bit to get Double Kick.

Route 2 Encounter—Nidoran ♀/Lily

Lv. 4

Hp: 17

Attack: 9

Defense: 9

Speed: 9

Special: 9

At least we can hope little Lily will survive the gym. She can be pretty useful in the rest of the early game if we play it right.

🎶A-grinding we will go, a-grinding we will go…🎶 These poor Metapod are getting wiped out by one of their own. Dark thought, if it weren’t for the fact that canonically the Pokémon just get knocked out. We’re just beating them up and taking their money (EXP).

I gotta take a break. Might hit up the museum. “Hey guys, can I get that Aerodactyl early? That’d be nice.” In reality I’m also enjoying some hometown festivities and homemade baked goods. Y’all ever tried strawberry-rhubarb pie? My wife makes an amazing pie—everyone who tries it loves it, I’m not even joking!

More grinding. More fallen foes. More MtnDew Spark. How’re y’all doing? Drinking water? You should go drink some water. I have a bottle on standby when I’m done with my soda. With all the crazy weather (thanks radical climate change), dry spells can spell doom to your hydration levels. So make sure you’re drinking your water!

All right, I’m about leveled up enough to try the gym. Watch out Brock-y! I’m coming to win.

Pre-Gym lineup:

Pikachu/Zippy- Lv.13

Nidoran♀/Lily- Lv.12

Butterfree/Stinky- Lv.11

Pidgey/BIRBY- Lv.11

Rattata/Remy- Lv.5

Here’s the plan: Hit Geodude with Stinky’s Confusion attack since his Special isn’t really high. Next, we’ll be switching around to keep from being ripped to shreds by Onix’s Screech and Tackle combos. That double drop to defense is no good for anyone. Bide won’t be an issue as I just won’t use damaging moves for the duration. The big problem will be Bind stalling me out; however, if I need to, I can use Remy as healing fodder to allow myself to heal up either Zippy or Lily and finish the battle off on a high note. Now to see if this all works.

Welp, Geodude went down as expected but in an effort to switch out of a Bind, I Double Kick-ed into a Bide. Now, Bide gets stronger the more a Pokémon has been hit during its charge-up so I can hope I get off a critical hit Double Kick and end Onix or end up using poor Remy as cannon fodder. Neither option is preferable. I’ll risk it—wait. Wait, the Bide went off before I could switch and didn’t end Lily. And she Crits for the final hit! Woo! You go little girlie! One badge down, seven more to go.

And so we come to Route 3 leading to Mt. Moon. I can’t use TM’s so I’ll sell off the TM for Bide I just got (why Brock? It’s such a junk move! Rock Tomb from Gen III was the right choice for the remakes). Now I’ll grab some more Pokéballs and a couple Escape Ropes just in case and head out to beat some other trainers and get to the Mt. Moon Pokémon Center.

Hey, did I mention before that Sand-Attack really annoys me? Well I’ll say it again just in case: Sand-Attack really frickin’ annoys me. At least I have a chance to level up Remy a bit more. Your potential, eventual sacrifice will be well worth it buddy, don’t worry!

Another fun fact that I almost had the displeasure of experiencing while beating up the trainers on Route 3 is that in Gen 1 games, Poison is super-effective against Bug. So if Stinky hadn’t wrecked the Weedle with one Confusion, the little bugger’s Poison Sting would’ve really ruined my day.

There are…so many trainers on Route 3. Like they keep popping up on my screen like the wonderful EXP harvests they are. They would be taking much longer but because my Pokémon were apparently built faster, I’m landing Critical Hits all over!

It’s also getting late where I’m at so I may just call it a night and sign off. See y’all and love ya’! -Emily