#i’ve grown a lot as a writer and a human since last september!!!

[covenofthearticulate]

Actually you know what, I'm taking a moment to celebrate myself, because september of last year was when I tentatively came off hiatus and began writing vc fic again, and over the last year, I've written around 45k in fics!!!! that's insane to me!!!! over the last year, I wrote more than I have in my entire life—10 out of the 19 fics on my ao3 were published since last september!!

I'm really proud of that but it also never would've happened without the love and support from you all!! from comments to kudos to the lovely folks kind enough to message or send an ask on tumblr— you make me want to keep writing, and I'm very grateful <3

[thepermanentrainpress]

EVERYBODY LOVES FIN: EPISODE 19

Canucks Twitter has never been more passionate, divisive and heavily opinionated; let’s go with an all-encompassing—vibrant. Any fan base is a community of people with thoughts to share, and luckily for others, content to create for a wider audience. I have to admit, I’ve been largely on the outside of Canucks Twitter, merely because I tend to direct my opinions to a TV screen rather than on social media. That being said, lately my sister, Pass it to Bulis contributor and Botchford Project recipient, Natalie Hoy, has been encouraging me to listen to more Canucks-centric podcasts. It’s been a fun time.

2010s: Does Vancouver really need two all-sports radio stations? 2020s: Does Vancouver really need 741 Canucks podcasts?

— Jyrki21 (@Jyrki21)

June 9, 2020

The world of ‘audio blogging’ has only grown over the past few years. Listeners are able to multi-task - exercising, cooking, cleaning, driving or on public transit - while plugged in to a new episode on practically any personal device. It’s a form of entertainment, often interactive, and a perfect creative outlet for amateur (and experienced) broadcasters looking for a new project. There is no shortage of podcasts courtesy of Canucks Twitter, a testament to the commitment and drive of fans, and the accessibility of the art form. With the Qualifying Round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs just about underway, there is much to be talked about. Let’s take a look at what’s out there.1

C4 Podcast

Founded: July 2013

Players: Chris Golden (@lyteforce), Anna Forsyth (@aforsyth03),Matt Lee (@mattlee_61)

Premise: The longest-running, active Canucks podcast (birthed from Canucks Hockey Blog) has been on-air for 7 years! Originally co-hosted by Chris and parody song creator Clay Imoo (@CanuckClay), the podcast offers commentary about current Canucks and NHL affairs, prospects, expectations, reminiscing on the team’s past (memories of the retired taco lover Eddie Lack and past playoff runs), and features interviews with guests. This past season, they’ve had Patrick Johnston (The Province), Satiar Shah (Sportsnet 650), Cam Robinson (Elite Prospects, Dobber Prospects) and Dan Murphy (Sportsnet) in the hot seat.

Twitter | Patreon | Discord | Listen

In the "longest-running" #Canucks #PodcastLikeThat, @risingaction joins @aforsyth03 @lyteforce & @mattlee_61 to talk about the summer training camp so far, how the Canucks match against the Wild, Rathbone, Tryamkin and so much more! https://t.co/ACreWPcPWC

— #PodcastLikeThat (@TheC4Podcast)

July 21, 2020

Area 51

Founded: December 2019 (relaunch)

Players: Sean Warren (@SeanyeWest234), Samantha (@samanthacp_), Malcolm Ert (@malcolmert), Bradley Thomas (@bradthomas_96), Eric (@breakawayeric), Bailey Broadbent (@baileybroadcast)

Premise: Area 51 celebrated a relaunch last December since their inception in July 2019, and in May welcomed a team to join host Sean Warren. Aside from their cool, alien conspiracy branding, at the mic they cover a broad range of hockey talk with notable guests (writers and broadcasters in the media, content creators, musicians, WHL players, fellow blog/podcast owners, Canucks Autism Network). I love that they’ve started to cover important topics beyond the gameplay, like anti-racism, inclusivity, and diversity in sports, and have actively sought out the guests to do so.

Twitter | Instagram | Listen

HERE WE GO! @CanuckClay enters A51 in GLCPC to discuss: -Sports debates -Being a hockey media creator -Plan a Vegas trip -Drinking and Parenting tips And complete the famous Guest Shootout! Find out whether Clay is responsible for the Luongo trade!https://t.co/Zg629tWvLG

— Area 51 Hockey Podcast (@Area51Hockey)

July 24, 2020

Cap Space Wins Cups

Founded: February 2020

Players: Hassan Ahmed (@_hassanahmed9), Ahsan Ahmed (@ace103196), Hussain Ahmed (@hussain11ahmed)

Premise: The newly formed podcast has a light, humorous tone - evident by their inaugural episode introduction about their lack of social media followers. They cover quick hits of the Canucks week, roster situations, hockey culture, and of course, cap space. They’ve hosted fellow podcast hosts and media (Satiar Shah, J.D. Burke, Matthew Sekeres, Jeff Paterson), and even a fellow Burnaby kid, Massimo Rizzo. Rizzo was a 2019 Carolina Hurricanes draft pick. It’s clear they have a lot more to share, including takes in on their corresponding blog – see: How the Canucks Can Acquire Dougie Hamilton & Build a Cup Contender. I’ll read anything related to Dougie Hamilton.

Twitter | Instagram | Listen

🚨🚨Another HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT the boys have their own website 🚨🚨https://t.co/JfQXqiXcz2, the site has all the podcast epidoes and links to all their social media. The boys have also started blogging and have 2 big article out already! It’s 100% free sign up on the site to L&C!

— Cap Space Wins Cups Podcast (@capspacecups)

June 21, 2020

The Broadscast

Founded: July 2020

Players: Vanessa Jang (@vanessajang), Georgia Twiss (@georgiatwiss), Samantha (@samanthacp_), Mallory (@sports_lesbian), Danielle Huntley (@danihuntley)

Premise: Your ‘local hockey girl gang’ talks Canucks, sports culture, and soap operas. All 5 hosts have a significant following on Twitter and are bold and uncompromising, which makes for great statements and table chatter. This was written with only their Teaser episode released, but you can expect no shortage of pop culture references, fashion discussion, NHL wives and girlfriends (WAG) and pet content, along with team analysis. It’s trailblazing for a group of females in Vancouver to start their own podcast that’s hockey-focused, meant to be a casual chat amongst friends. They know the team, know their media, can gossip, and are having fun with it.

Twitter | Instagram | Listen

The Broadscast is officially LIVE!! 🎙 Just 5 girls and some light-hearted hockey talk with a soap opera twist. Catch our teaser episode NOW on your podcast medium of choice!https://t.co/91KE8LnOJE pic.twitter.com/XH0fIfhmHy

— The Broadscast (@BroadscastPod)

July 27, 2020

PUCKS ON NET

Founded: September 2013

Players: Ryan Schaap (@schaaptop), Geeta Reddy (@geetanjalireddy), Paul McLellan (@McLellanPaul), Dave McPhail (@PucksOnDave)

Premise: The group of 4 has created a casual, honest atmosphere with their roundtable conversation. They’re good friends, which equates to great camaraderie. They run a ‘contradictory’ fantasy hockey league and don’t talk ‘fancy stats’ (while still being very knowledgeable). I think they’re engaged with their listeners, and relatable as human beings amongst their talk of Tim Hortons NHL trading cards, player safety, current signings and acquisitions, and Green Day at the All-Star Game. Reaching 7 years of consistent hockey talk and recapping the team’s evolution is a feat in its own.

Twitter | Patreon | Instagram | Listen

And on Sunday, Ryan sat down with his old man for Father's Day to talk about growing up playing minor hockey in Calgary, bonding over the Vancouver #Canucks and even his words of wisdom when it comes to talking to your kids about drugs.https://t.co/BaQFM53Yws

— PUCKS ON NET (@Pucksonnetca)

June 24, 2020

The Canucks Conversation

Founded: November 2018

Players: Chris Faber (@ChrisFaber39), David Quadrelli (@Quadrelli)

Premise: Faber was joined by Quads in 2020, and the pair has perhaps the most praised local podcast so far. They’re both BCIT Radio Arts and Entertainment students (and writers for CanucksArmy), and their dedication, preparedness, branding and reporting level are top notch. They break down topics with great chemistry and perception - roster moves, Nikita Tryamkin, Olli Juolevi, and the Judd Brackett situation. Some of their notable guests include Utica Comets Kole Lind and Brogan Rafferty, and ‘bionic’ Finn Sami Salo.

Twitter | Patreon | Instagram | Listen

🎉SURPRISE! 🎉 Episode 91: “Jake Jets out of the lineup” ft.@CraigJButton We dropped our episode early! Craig Button stops by to chat about the NHL and #Canucks prospects. We breakdown the exhibition game against the Jets & some exciting news at the end!https://t.co/NMWBVOU7ko

— Canucks Conversation Podcast (@CanucksConvo)

July 30, 2020

Canucks & Pucks

Founded: April 2019

Players: Matthew Zator (@MatthewZatorSC)

Premise: Matthew Zator, writer for The Hockey Writers and Hockey Ops Director at Overtime Heroics, made a return to the airwaves this past July (after a lengthy regular season hiatus). Since getting back up and running, it’s full steam ahead – Zator has been joined by contributors from The Hockey Writers, The Canuck Way, college hockey newsletter Fresh Ice, and fellow podcast hosts. He has good insight and as a writer who goes into depth about NHL draft picks, the Vancouver Giants, and both the Nucks’ positives and negatives in his work, it gets noticeably transferred to the on-air conversation.

Twitter | Listen

🚨 NEW EPISODE 🚨 Episode 7 ft @CanuckClay, @JDsays2much, and @BaileyAJohnson_! - #Canucks & #mnwild with Jack & Clay - Will Lockwood and Quinn Hughes with Bailey - The Mailbag segment debuts and of course news from the #NHL and @TheHockeyWriter! #THW https://t.co/lW9FQms35P

— Canucks & Pucks Podcast 🏒🎙️ (@CanucksPucks)

July 28, 2020

Canucks Speakeasy

Founded: August 2019

Players: Pete Edwards (@pete_gas), Doug (@dougvenn)

Premise: Pete and Doug are 2 “mildly educated Canucks die-hards” who chat about current team news and trending topics. They’ve covered trade talk, the Collective Bargaining Agreement, prospects at the World Juniors, scouting, and the BLM movement. They’re occasionally joined by guests including podcast friends, and fellow fans/Tweeters Chris Conte, Jenna Fabulous and Ray Hatt.

Twitter | Listen

We're back with Episode 37: Powderkeg. Playoffs, play-ins, Judd and BLM are all discussed. Give'r a listen!https://t.co/dwoEQVNudThttps://t.co/7ZSogAjWsuhttps://t.co/r5HqX26czU pic.twitter.com/QKScnR9Q6G

— Canucks Speakeasy (@CanucksSpeak)

June 4, 2020

The LarschCast

Founded: June 2019

Players: Tej Dhaliwal (@DrTejDhaliwal), Sat Oberoi (@SatOberoi), Nav Dosanjh (@NavDosanjh1983), Ryan Cassels (@cassels_music)

Premise: The Larschcasters are known for their entertaining banter and debates, mostly on hockey and a little NFL. They’ve picked the minds of seasoned media (Scott Oake, James Duthie, Joey Kenward), legendary broadcaster Jim Robson, and former Canucks Kirk McLean, Chris Higgins and Shane O’Brien. They’ve been generating healthy content during the pandemic, including a spirited debate with Minnesota Wild podcast hosts, discussing media personnel moves, prospects, NHL Award contenders, and the toxicity in the Vancouver Canucks market. In June, they released a special with hockey coach/trainer Jennifer Chefero, sharing her story facing sexual abuse and harassment in her career, while candidly discussing women’s rights and sports culture.

Twitter | Facebook | Listen

Episode 61 ft. @hustlerama!#NHLJets centric epi, with an outlook of the Jets vs #flames. Not a lot of love for Calgary in this one😬. Also insights into the #nhlbubble, before ending with #Canucks talk & Rapid Larsch! 🍎:https://t.co/vZ2lyQ9zoO Spotify: https://t.co/XdV1y3ls7V

— The LarschCast (@larschcast)

July 29, 2020

The PP1 Podcast

Founded: October 2019

Players: Brayden Ursel (@bkursel23), Ted (@tee3ree), Ryan Hank (@always90four)

Premise: A tagline like “three guys from Kelowna bringing the heat and spitting the takes” doesn’t need further explanation. Appearing at the beginning of this season, the podcast (which features writers from The Canuck Way and CanucksArmy) has had some nice guests like the Canucks inaugural captain Orland Kurtenbach, retired centre and current Kelowna Rockets Assistant Coach Vern Fiddler, and Paul “Biznasty” Bissonnette. They’ve been nominated for Kelowna Now’s Best Local Podcast, and have a ‘Dudes and Guys’ segment where they pit 2 players against one another and talk it out (criteria is debatable).

Twitter | Listen

Episode 46: Bouncy Castles, Boeser Bombshells, & Backchecking w/ @mattsekeres. We chat Boeser rumours, cap crunch, Rathbone, Tryamkin, Markstrom, Sundin vs. Vanek, the best cold-open since Nikolay Goldobin, and how you can win a #Canucks jersey. https://t.co/KouGJr6GKH

— The PP1 PODCAST (@ThePP1Podcast)

July 15, 2020

The SCT Show

Founded: September 2018

Players: Nam Mann (@CanuckAgent007), Tanbir Rana (@TRana87)

Premise: SCT is Strictly Canucks Talk. Aside from reminiscing about ‘where were you when’ pivotal moments in franchise history occurred and the regular shop talk of performance and #NamStats, they draw in guests to talk about trade value (The Athletic’s Harman Dayal) and stickhandling (specialist/trainer Pavel Barber). They’ve also hosted local defenceman and last year’s 4th overall draft pick Bowen Byram, and hockey analyst/retired winger Anson Carter for a chat about the pressure of the market in Vancouver and the Sedins. Like any good heated debate, there are also trade and Team Tank vs Playoffs scenarios.

Twitter | Listen

.@CanuckAgent007 has a proposal to get Loui Eriksson off the #Canucks books 🤔 EP 14 - Links below ⬇️ 🍎 https://t.co/Z9snNdSuI1 📱 https://t.co/AJILh0IaWJ pic.twitter.com/LZblDE8GLW

— The SCT Show (@SCTShow)

July 17, 2020

Johnny Canuck Talk

Founded: August 2019

Players: Adrian J. Haug (@adrianjhaug), Roy Styles (@roy_styles)

Premise: Takes from 2 arm chair GM’s, the pair discuss a wide variety of topics like losing streaks, hockey safety, report cards, line-ups, and trade deadline. They’ve also shared an insightful chat with Harman Dayal (The Athletic) about his career and the late and great Jason Botchford. It’s laid-back and conversational, with mentions of farmers’ tans, celebrating birthdays during quarantine, and the school system strung across introductions. What’s cool is they record the podcast from near and far away places – Kamloops, BC and Germany (!).

Twitter | Listen

(1) Episode 37 is uploading now! @roy_styles and I talk #Canucks #hockey and @Canucks topics, issues, news, etc. We also talk about the incredible impact our Jim Carey impressions have had on our wives. Yikes. Featuring tweets from: @Canuckgirl20 @TSN1040 @DanRiccio650 pic.twitter.com/6oA7mZh6jb

— Johnny Canuck Talk (@JohnnyCanuckPod)

June 28, 2020

1 This list is not exhaustive, but there is something for everyone and I hope you find your Canucks fix. There can be an argument made that the podcast market is oversaturated, but I like to see it as an opportunity for any fan or audio bird to let their voice be heard! So, don’t be negative about it.

Posted by: Chloe Hoy

[trustyourgutblog]

The One Where Sarah Goes Sober

Hi guys! Sarah here. This is my first official solo post on the blog. Given that it was my week to post and also the week I hit 90 days alcohol-free, I figured I’d write about that! 

Also, this title is definitely supposed to be a “Friends” reference. I’m currently attempting to convince Cassie that this should be our thing and I’m only half kidding. 

Last Summer, I read an intriguing Instagram post. It's pretty hippie-dippie, so stick with me through this part. @rawforhealth posted on Instagram a picture of a bubbly glass of some sort of alcohol with a caption on alcohol's spiritual effects - to sum up her post, here is the excerpt that really hit me: "In the words of writer and health enthusiast, #JasonChristoff – ‘In alchemy, alcohol is used to extract the soul essence of an entity. Hence its use in extracting essences for essential oils, and the sterilization of medical instruments. By consuming alcohol into the body, it in effect extracts the very essence of the soul, allowing the body to be more susceptible to neighboring entities most of which are of low frequencies (why do you think we call certain alcoholic beverages “SPIRITS?”). That is why people who consume excessive amounts of alcohol often blackout, not remembering what happened. This happens when the good soul (we were sent here with) leaves because the living conditions are too polluted and too traumatic to tolerate. The good soul jettisons the body, staying connected to a tether, and a dark entity takes the body for a joy ride around the block, often in a hedonistic and self-serving illogical rampage. Our bodies are cars for spirits. If one leaves, another can take the car for a ride. Essentially when someone goes dark after drinking alcohol or polluting themselves in many other ways, their body often becomes possessed by another entity.’”

I read it approximately 2 months after turning 21 and a little over a year since I'd gotten a fake ID that I used without restraint, to say the least. I've never had a drinking problem. Truly. I justified my drinking easily. I was a grown adult. I'd been paying my own rent for years, so clearly that justified some wine in the bathtub. Hell, maybe the whole bottle in the bathtub. My job is stressful. I work in social work. The end of hard days is often met with co-workers exclaiming "you deserve a drink tonight!" I was in college, this is what I was supposed to be doing. I was frustrated when I would go out to eat and they didn't have a full bar. Turning 21 was the permission slip I needed to order alcohol everywhere we went. Reading this Instagram post was the first time the idea of stopping drinking occurred to me. I quickly fell back on the excuse that I didn’t have a problem and forced the idea out of my head.

Sometime later, I stopped being able to handle my alcohol. Completely. I'd been off medications for several months, and to this day I wonder if the tolerances I'd built up while on anti-depressants (WHY was I drinking while on anti-depressants. Why, why, why former Sarah??) didn't quite translate. Even after a glass of wine, I would wake up incredibly anxious. Friends always teased me for "looking at a glass of wine and getting drunk”, my tolerance was so low. But this was terrible. I would wake up so anxious I'd cancel plans. Every night I drank ended in extreme nausea. But yet, I continued.

Around this time, a LOT of people entered my life who were abstaining from drinking. Some from a place of addiction, some from a place of mental health care, some from a place of physical health care, some from a place of spiritual care. I knew this was the Universe sending me a sign (or multiple signs - over and over). But I pushed it away, terrified of giving up this societal norm - the social lubricant that relaxed my anxious brain. I drank on first dates to ease my nerves, I drank to cope, I drank to celebrate, I drank when it was girl's night, I drank at the movies, I drank, I drank, I drank. Not inherently excessively, but too much for me.

Then I started yoga teacher training. During one of our first required readings, a Brené Brown book, she spoke of numbing. Of all the ways we as humans numb. She cited an example as simple as a man at work who could not stay off of social media - to the point he got fired. We as humans can numb so many ways - there are the commonly known ones: drugs, sex, alcohol, self-harm. There are the more socially acceptable ones: exercise, eating, social media, etc. As Brené Brown so wisely explains, “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

Well, fuck.

As someone who spends A LOT of money and time managing my anxiety as naturally as possible, why was I still choosing alcohol? Why was I choosing numbing over feeling? Why was I preaching movement, vulnerability, stepping into the light, paying a lot of money, energy, and time to become a yoga teacher only to go home and numb with something that quite literally poisons my body? So I toyed with the idea of sobriety. I mentioned it to a few friends. I told myself I'd drink in moderation. Then shit went down in my life and I drank. I went to a wedding, got anxious and a little sad, and drank.

Here's a pretty important thing about me: I need accountability and no grey areas. I was never going to stop drinking by jokingly muttering the idea to my best friend in the middle of TJMaxx and then half-laughing it off. I was never going to stop drinking if I allowed myself any leeway.

So I continued toying. Then, last minute, in the bathroom of a wedding, at least three double vodka crans in, I texted our lead teacher for yoga teacher training. I changed my heart song to "Weak" by AJR. Then, I told my entire YTT cohort that I was not going to drink. And I haven't. For 90 days as of today - September 26th, 2019.

I struggle to talk about this. It's very very very important to me that I never make sobriety seem like a flippant or easy thing. I recognize and am grateful for the fact that I never had a "rock bottom" or was addicted. Going sober was a long decision, but ultimately, an easy one for me. I don’t know that I will never drink again. But I do know that going cold turkey was absolutely what I personally needed and that I am now better able to evaluate my true motives for drinking if I do decide to in the future. And let me be clear: I don’t think that everyone needs to be sober. I do think that as a society, we accept alcohol as such the norm and it’s important to recognize motivations, making saying “no” acceptable, and be honest with ourselves.

[cassandraclare]

books. schedule. books!

I’ve noticed some confusion about my publication schedule, which makes total sense, since it’s pretty complicated right now! Here’s a bit of description to clarify the projects I have going on and when they will be coming out.

Ghosts of the Shadow Market

This is a series of short stories that focus on Jem/Brother Zachariah. They will be published serially as ebooks, with one story coming out each month between April-November 2018. Like The Bane Chronicles and Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy, these short stories are collaborations between me and a talented group of writers, in this case Sarah Rees Brennan, Maureen Johnson, Robin Wasserman, and Kelly Link!

(All of the Ghost of the Shadow Market stories will be collected in a print edition along with two bonus stories, likely coming out in the summer of 2019.)

The stories:

April 2018: Son of the Dawn, with Sarah Rees Brennan. Set in 2000. Jace meets the Lightwoods for the first time!

May 2018: Cast Long Shadows, with Sarah Rees Brennan. Set in 1901. A visit to the Shadow Market changes Matthew Fairchild’s life forever.

June 2018: Every Exquisite Thing, with Maureen Johnson. Set in the early 1900s. The story of Anna Lightwood’s first love!

July 2018: Learn about Loss, with Kelly Link. Set in the 1930s. Brother Zachariah visits a dark carnival and dabbles in demon-summoning.

August 2018: A Deeper Love, with Maureen Johnson. Set in the 1940s. Tessa Gray and Catarina Loss pose as nurses in order to aid suffering mundane humans during WW2.

September 2018: The Wicked Ones, with Robin Wasserman. Set in 1989/90. Celine Montclaire encounters Valentine Morgenstern for the first time.

October 2018: The Land I Lost, with Sarah Rees Brennan. Set in 2012. Alec Lightwood and Lily Chen go to Buenos Aires to help rebuild in the wake of the Dark War, and Alec meets an orphaned Shadowhunter child.

November 2018: Through Blood, Through Fire, with Robin Wasserman. Set in 2012. A dark threat is looming over a child of the Shadow Market, and Jem Carstairs and Tessa Gray may be the only ones who can save him.

Upcoming books:

The Golden Tower (Magisterium 5)

September 11, 2018

This is it! The final book in the series! Callum Hunt’s destiny is sealed.

Queen of Air and Darkness (The Dark Artifices 3)

December 4, 2018

The last book of the trilogy sets in motion events that will change the Shadow World forever.

The Red Scrolls of Magic (The Eldest Curses 1, with Wesley Chu)

March 2019

Magnus and Alec planned to go on a nice peaceful vacation after the Dark War. They weren’t planning on encountering stolen memories, dark secrets, vicious demons, and murderous cultists. Suddenly their European tour looks a lot more like work, but both are still determined to enjoy it!

Ghosts of the Shadow Market print edition

No exact date yet, probably Summer 2019

Chain of Gold (The Last Hours 1)

No exact date yet, likely sometime between September-November 2019

This is the beginning of a new Shadowhunter trilogy set during the Edwardian Era! The children of Tessa, Will, and the other characters from the Infernal Devices have grown up in a far less frightening world than their parents did. But trouble is brewing amid their boating parties and balls. Revenge, prejudice, and obsession lie hidden beneath the surface of their world, and a mysterious illness has begun to strike Shadowhunters down…

The Lost Book of the White (The Eldest Curses 2)

Likely March 2020

Magnus and Alec thought the adventures of their far-too-eventful vacation were long past. But old friends and old enemies linger, and the story continues…

Chain of Iron (The Last Hours 2)

Once again, likely to come out in Fall (September-November) 2020

The story of James, Lucie, Cordelia and their friends continues.

2021: After this everything gets a little fuzzy. Publications aren’t scheduled this far out, but we’ve still got The Last Hours 3, The Eldest Curses 3, and Sword Catcher on the horizon! (Not to mention Wicked Powers!)

[treasure-mimic]

So I saw Captain Marvel last night.

It was good. It was perfectly serviceable as an action movie, as a superhero movie, and as a Marvel movie. I imagine there’s gonna be a lot of little girls and grown women who love it because Carol is a really cool character. It was good.

It has, however, gotten me to think about something specific a lot since I’ve seen it though. What’ve I been thinking about?

Nirvana.

Post will contain spoilers for the major plot twist in Captain Marvel.

I think it’s probably pretty easy to harp on Captain Marvel for leaning as hard as it does on the 90s aesthetic. A decision seemingly made out of convenience and enforced by general cultural excitement at just, naming things that existed in the 90s and don’t anymore. But, ya know, let’s give Captain Marvel a little more credit than that. Let’s try and look into Captain Marvel’s themes and see if we can’t sus out a reason behind it.

Let’s talk about Skrulls.

A common reading of all alien invasion media is the idea that the alien force preys upon what the populace fears most at the time. Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds (2005), for example, sets itself as a direct and intentional parallel to the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Centers, mirroring a lot of the imagery from the attacks and a lot of the language used about the enemy and events just following. In The Avengers (2012) the evil alien horde presents itself as a tactical and well-armed warforce staging a frontal invasion on a civilian populace, coincidentally in the same city as the 9/11 attacks, and when it does get paralleled to any terrestrial army, is compared to the conquering, expanding force of the Nazi army in World War 2. The US fears an invasion, the hordes at the gate ready to rush in and slaughter us while we sit comfortable and unprotected.

In contrast, however, we have The Body Snatchers, written in 1954, published in 1955, and adapted for the screen first in 1956. A supernatural thriller wherein a race of sentient plants from outer space land in the US and consume regular humans, replacing them with replicas that walk and talk like normal people, but are actually duplicates created by these pods, disguising their presence on earth while they attempt to consume every human being on the planet without any person being any the wiser, with any attempt to expose their actions being chalked up to “hysteria”. While all writers involved deny any intentional theming along these lines, one of the most common readings in all of cinema is that the story, perhaps unintentionally, parallels the fears felt by Americans of communists and Soviet spies infiltrating the country from within, deteriorating our systems to defend ourselves until its too late. It’s very easy to read Invasion of the Body Snatchers in this light as it was coming out alongside much more explicit narratives about much more explicit Soviet spies with similar insidious plots, to the point that even by 1961 their tropes and conventions were being parodied in publications like Spy vs Spy.

A year later is when the Skrulls invaded. In 1962, The Fantastic Four #2 was released, premiering an invading alien race of shapeshifters called the Skrulls who can effortlessly implant themselves among life on earth by taking on the appearance and memories of the people they copy. Following so closely to the footsteps of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and coming out so soon afterwards, it’s not the biggest stretch to apply the same reading to the Skrulls. They are, or at least were, an extension of the fear of Soviet spies in our midst, turning us on our protectors, scoring key seats in our government, and turning us over to an uncaring invading force. The Skrulls would continue this act throughout nearly every appearance they’ve had since, even after the end of the Cold War and the dissolution of the Soviet Union in 1991.

You know what else happened in 1991?

It’s likely unfair to point to one single instance as the “start” of a cultural era, but Nirvana’s Nevermind is as good a place to start the 90s as any. One of its tracks even plays during one of Captain Marvel’s key scenes. So let’s now talk about Nirvana. 

The sentiment that sits at the core of Nirvana’s work, as well as the core of all 90s alternative and grunge acts, is a potent combination of disaffection and frustration. After a couple decades of constantly fearing for their own lives and the lives of everyone around them, the mood of the youth of the generation burned out and gave way to a dull irritation. There wasn’t enough energy to keep the anger going sincerely, so instead the anger was kept alive through irony. A bitter hateful sarcasm, frustrated with every power structure that had been involved in leading to this point. Frustrated with corrupt government officials (”Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses”), with uncaring capitalistic systems (”God money’s not looking for the cure. God money’s not concerned about the sick among the pure.”), with societal systems that keep them down (”Oh, I’m just a girl, all pretty and petite, so don’t let me have any rights”), with themselves (”What drives you on can drive you mad, a million lies to sell yourself is all you’ve ever had”), and just a frustration with a world that doesn’t and doesn’t pretend to understand them (”Oh well, whatever, nevermind.”).

90s alternative and grunge as genres set themselves as opposites to the aesthetics of the decades preceding them. In terms of pop culture, the 80s were the decade of glamour and bombast, the 90s were the decade of grounding and moodiness. It refutes and refuses to partake in the systems that created and drove the half century of wars that preceded it.

So doesn’t it make sense then, that the Marvel movie set in and embroiling itself in the 90s grunge era is the one that humanized these representatives of Soviet agents. Gave them families and a backstory and a very human reason to fight.

So, that’s that then. Captain Marvel isn’t just using the 90s aesthetic as a shallow means to pander to nostalgic twenty-somethings, its a thematic connection to reinforce the need to consider the other side’s perspective, using the counterculture of grunge to boost the counterculture of good guy Skrulls, right?

Well, no!

Look, okay, I’ll be the first to admit that I pulled all that directly out of my ass. I can’t imagine this level of thought went into connecting the story of Captain Marvel to the pervading zeitgeist of the 90s, especially when the Nirvana and No Doubt songs are played against Blockbuster Videos and Two Way Pagers. Besides, while it might be a good idea to understand that the Soviet spies and plants are in fact people with families and lives, saying that the Soviet Union were actually misunderstood good guys is at best the innocent musings of someone who genuinely didn’t know how bad things got and at worst grounds to suspect someone is actually some kind of Russian psyop themselves, and it’s far from any kind of message that Disney of all corporations would ever want attached to them. But that doesn’t make the analysis wrong per say. As said before, the writers of Invasion of the Body Snatchers disagree with the reading of its parallel to Cold War paranoia.

But Captain Marvel just doesn’t have the right 90s attitude. She’s defiant, certainly, maybe even counterculture given her response to the sexism she’s faced her entire life, but she doesn’t abandon the system, she doesn’t even really learn to see all enemies as people, and she does the least grunge thing of all and chooses a side.

I’m not saying the movie would be better if Carol reasoned with the imperialistic hivemind robo-fascist that literally brainwashed her to use as a weapon, or if she had just left the Kree to commit genocide against what is, in this universe, an oppressed racial minority that’s already been driven to the brink of extinction by rampant imperialism, but the movie still puts the blame on a nation of citizenry as opposed to the systems that influence them. The Skrulls have family and just want to live their lives in peace. The Kree don’t and don’t. The Supreme Intelligence wasn’t lying to an entire nation of soldiers, telling them that the Skrulls are all terrorists and the aggressors in this conflict, it was literally just Carol. Carol was the only one who didn’t know. Those soldiers that Carol had spent six years training with, living with, trusting with her life, they can be killed without a thought cause they’re the bad guys. Cause they didn’t have families like the Skrulls did.

In all likelihood, Marvel Studios saw a female led movie as being enough of a risk and wanted to keep the rest of film entirely safe. It’ll cause less waves if instead of portraying two warring factions as shades of grey, they just swap out black and white’s positions halfway through.

Captain Marvel adopts the aesthetics of 90s rebellion without going that extra step to actually rebel. It comes close to the realization that war is made of people with lives being shunted to their end by careless systems looking for profit, but still organizes all the players into a good side and a bad side instead of acknowledging the fascist systems behind them seeking excess material wealth and control.

Oh well.

Whatever.

Nevermind.

[humansofhds]

Chantal Sanchez, MTS ’22

“I'm from Southern California. My first time actually leaving California was to come all the way to Boston for my undergrad at Boston College. I studied physics there during my first year, until luckily, being at a Catholic school, I was forced to take theology and philosophy. That's how I fell in love with theology.”

Chantal Sanchez, MTS ’22, is a second-year MTS student studying South Asian religions and is a member of the Harvard Buddhist Community's Buddhism and Race speaker series planning committee.

From Academic Decathlon to Lifelong Passion

During my senior year of high school, I quit the softball team and joined something called “academic decathlon,” which was basically like a nerd competition. It was all the seven subjects – econ, science, math, social science, literature, music, art – and then speech, interview, and an essay. Every year, the competition focuses on a specific subject. The year I joined, it was all about India. So I learned an obscene amount about India.

At the end of that year, I graduated and started at Boston College as a physics major. We had a few key requirements, including theology and cultural diversity. When I saw there was a Hinduism class that counted for cultural diversity, I was like, cool – I just learned all about India. So I took that class, along with another in comparative Islam and Christianity. Starting with those classes, I fell in love with the study of theology. In my Hinduism class, in particular, I realized I enjoy the work. I had developed a relationship with the professor, and I was loving what we were learning. By my sophomore year, I had switched my major from physics to theology.

Fast forward to the end of sophomore year, as I was preparing to study abroad in France. I heard from my Hinduism professor that there was a study abroad in Nepal that I didn't know about. I changed my plans, and I ended up doing a language program for three weeks in India before flying to Kathmandu, Nepal, for four months of study abroad.

For the academic decathlon in high school, I had learned Indian history from the beginning of time all the way up to the current day. I remember seeing a picture of the wind palace, Hawa Mahal, when I was studying during my senior year of high school. On study abroad, I actually got to see it in real life, in Jaipur. I had learned so much from books, so much about India’s historical background, deities, and iconography. Before going there, I knew that book religion is very different than place practice, as it always is. But seeing the doctrines and beliefs I had learned about in real life was transformative.

My studies abroad solidified things for me: I would specialize in South Asian religions. Today, that's what I'm doing at HDS.

Curiosity and Faith

I grew up in a secular household. My mom was 17 when she had me, so she was a child herself. She didn’t know what religion was, and she didn't really want to force anything on us. We actually shopped around different religions, like Latter Day Saints, Jehovah's Witness, a myriad of random Christian churches in So-Cal. A lot of them were hippie types of places – just music the whole time. I think we even went to a temple. When I was 12 she told me and my sister, you guys figure it out. I'm not going to tell you what to believe.

For a while, I was just kind of neutral to religion. I felt like I respected human beings, regardless of their beliefs. But I was still curious about faith. I always wondered, what is it about people that makes them believe? I always thought about it, especially the way religion connects so many people in the world.

During my study abroad in college, I often went to the Shiva temple with my host family in Nepal. There was one random Sunday when I was on my way to meet up with some friends from school, and I had an intense need to go to the Shiva temple on my own. I thought, OK, I already know the routine: I circumambulate this tree, touch this, do this. So I did it, on my own. Stopping at the temple became part of my routine for walking to school every day.

There was another moment when I was studying at the Buddhist monastery in Nepal, where there were practicing monks of all ages. One of my teachers was actually a Buddhist monk, who taught us, verse by verse, one of their founding texts, just as if we were monks in the monastery as well. I remember once, my friend and I went down to daily puja, which means worship. This worship involved a lot of sounds. They blow horns, there's a drum, and sometimes they chant. We were sitting and meditating in this cacophony of noises, which might surprise some people who don't think that's how you practice, especially meditation-wise. But it was in that moment of being drowned by all these sounds that I found clarity. I realized this is for me.

After being at a monastery and having these experiences, I've recently fully identified as Buddhist. I have my own Buddhist shrine altar. I’m on an interesting journey.

Coming to HDS

As a first-gen college student, I didn't know anything about college. I didn't even know Boston College was Jesuit until I got there, which is ridiculous. I had a theology professor during my freshman year who really helped me figure out that college is meant to explore what you think, not just to get a job. The job will come later, she told me, as long as you find your interests.

This professor, along with my Hinduism professor and another theology professor, helped lay the stepping stones for me. That path ultimately led me to grad school.

As I geared up for grad school applications, I was looking for schools that would support my specific studies. But I also loved the Jesuit values of Boston College, which is very much whole-person oriented. That was something I had in mind as well, that I wanted an environment that would develop me as a person.

I did Diversity and Explorations in 2019, which allowed me to meet some professors and see Harvard Divinity School. Ultimately, this visit, along with my wish to specialize and have interactions with a myriad of different religions and different people, is really what solidified my decision to come to HDS.

Exploring Interests in New Ways

For my senior thesis at BC, I focused on how the participation of women in politics has grown through Hindu nationalism, which is an interesting paradox. When you look at a fundamentalist right-wing type of organization, it usually hearkens back to traditional values. The traditional values of womanhood are to stay in the home. But now you have these women who are fierce proponents of Hindu nationalist politics who are in leadership positions. It's an interesting thing to see. I explored that during my senior thesis, and I’ve explored that more at HDS. In particular, I took a religious nationalism class this past year that gave me a breadth of understanding of religious nationalism, historically and all over the world. It really put my thesis into perspective.

I think one of my favorite classes I took this past year was called Writing South Asia. It was like an everyday English literature class, but focused on South Asian writers. I got to read poetry anthologies, novels, and plays from critical South Asian authors. It was like a breath of fresh air, honestly. Outside of academics, I always read fiction. I appreciated the chance to read genres that I read on my own time in an academic context, as well as the opportunity to gain a different perspective on my studies within South Asia (in particular, a perspective from South Asian voices, rather than from academic texts written by old white men).

Another favorite this past semester was my “Introduction to Buddhist Commentaries” class with Charles Hallisey. We read an entire commentary a week, which is a lot of reading and a lot to process. But the class really helped me understand how to look at what scripture is. We asked, what is text versus scripture? What is the meaning versus my meaning? Can we even use the word scripture in terms of Eastern religions? That class really was a mind-blow.

Remote Learning, Real Challenges

I initially thought I would apply for a Fulbright to continue my undergraduate thesis research after graduation. But unfortunately, I don't know anymore. A lot of that is because of the past year of Zoom University was unkind to me. I was very depressed all this past year because of school online.

I've always been a very driven person, and school has been my life. As a first-gen college student, since I was born, that's what my whole family told me to do. Your only job was to go to college. To not know what I want any more has been a little bit rough. I'm a little lost, and I hope that going back in person, making some connections, and talking with people will help me get back on track.

But among not having a great time this whole past year, a highlight was my Hindi Professor Richard Delacy. We had Hindi class four days a week. It was the most fun, engaging online class ever.

I also enjoyed being a part of the Harvard Buddhist Community's Buddhism and Race speaker series planning committee. We helped organize an eight-month long speaker series, which we’ve been planning since September of last year. All first semester we planned, contacted speakers, and figured out the funding. Since January of this year, we’ve “hosted” one speaker a month to explore different topics relating to the large umbrella of what ‘Buddhism and Race’ entails. A focus has been how we can look at our own practice of Buddhism and the Dharma and apply that to the issue of our time: race and racism.

Looking Forward

I’m really looking forward to being able to meet people and make friends! I didn’t make many because of Zoom and I can’t wait to diversify. I am also really excited to just be a part of the greater Harvard community. In undergrad, I was always going to random events here and there if I had a spare hour and I hope to be able to do the same now. And of course, I am particularly pumped to be continuing my work with HBC’s Buddhism and Race committee as we gear up to plan a dynamic in-person event in spring of 2022!

Interviewed and edited by Gianna Cacciatore; photos courtesy of Chantal Sanchez.

[violetsystems]

#personal

It’s been awfully solitary lately.  Not that that has really changed or anybody really expected it to.  I’m still casually applying for jobs I never get a response back from.  I’m almost finished with my taxes but still waiting to file them.  I’ve spent about nine months in the dark wondering about a lot of things.  The most pressing and annoying was financial.  Wondering if I was going to be fucked come tax time is no longer an exhausting fear.  I’ve been out of debt for the first time in my life since September.  That doesn’t seem to matter much to people unless it’s to get me to spend more money.  Most of my situation has been spent in isolation trying to keep it that way.  I’m in a very different place than where I started back in July.  I’m still expecting to not find a real job until after a full year has passed of being let go.  That’s an awful thing to say in theory.  Because my entire professional network has been dead and buried with only small signs of life.  I’ve learned that nobody talks to you in this process.  They expect you to reach out and reconnect with whatever matrix battery infrastructure social vampires are feeding off of these days.  For me it hasn’t really been worth it.  Broadcasting your moves all over the place regardless what they are never really helped my situation.  It was me in the end who got up off the ground and kept walking.  By all accounts I shouldn’t have been this accounted for.  But my dad is a CPA and my mom did our taxes for years.  So I figured out a horrifically complicated tax year and am over some sort of hump.  This is what worries me about the next phase of everything.  That we all come out of this thinking we’re still in this together.  That we can just laugh and dance away the pain that’s healed over.  That we can ignore the systemic problems that brought us to this point where I hear the word systems in every conversation and think it’s a projected message to me.  The only secret messages I pay attention to is undying love and affection.  Everything else is kind of a waste of my time when I don’t feel included in anything.  There are reasons nobody can be direct anymore.  Everybody seems to be balancing fifteen different narratives that divert so wildly from the main quest line that the world has become a free for all.  I’d argue it’s always been that way.  Whatever grand design or social experiment I’ve failed to be included in really just points to how lame people can be.  If people can’t entrap you they’ll mine your past until they can find somebody who will.  And lately because I’ve been more visible week to week with streaming, these rats seem to come out of the woodwork.  Everybody thinking my next pivot in the rat race will be something they have the keys to.  My future success and inclusion has already been prewritten.  I’d argue in America it’s always been foretold.  Chalk it up to the economics of the post war nuclear family.  That’s how the rich make their money.  Possibly too why we’re so obsessed with starting more wars.  The American dreams is always something less than what I deserve to keep the powers that be happy.  Whether that’s salary, opportunity, or place in the tiers of class that define what we can or cannot attain.  People in communist countries have often complained about how the only way to advance was to go abroad for school or join the army.  It’s not really that much different here in America.  In fact, I’d argue these days it’s worse.  There are entire career paths in America locked out by military service.  The cybersecurity industry being one of them.  And the jobs overseas are seemingly locked out due to class and who you know.  The sons and daughters of generational wealth need to leave the nest.  I’m supposed to get the message my place is somewhere else.  A game of musical chairs in dead silence.  And yet I haven’t been able to go anywhere for nine months.  Not that I care about staying around the house for nine months.  That’s good practice for making a baby I guess.  They left an android on a planet for a whole ten years in Alien Covenant.  Look at the mess that guy made.

I don’t really know what to do anymore.  I was supposed wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.  Which in some ways has happened.  I’m due for my second shot of vaccine in a couple of weeks.  My financial health is what it should have been years ago if I hadn’t spent my life helping and getting conned by other people.  I don’t mind helping other people.  It’s in my nature to be kind, gentle, genuine and all that mess.  So much so that people’s constant punking and testing of my street level credibility has become a threat to my mental health.  I don’t leave the house much anymore because everyone has been deluded into thinking they have full access to me.  That I am some celebrity.  Or I am some revolutionary threat that nobody can seem to touch.  I don’t touch back.  That’s been the biggest shit of this whole entire mess.  I’d love to have a relationship.  I’d love to continue on with my life.  I’d love to go back and honor the last ten or twenty years of being a real human being by sharing that with someone.  And for the most part, I believe that will happen someday eventually.  Particularly with someone who understands the value of why I kept myself and things sacred.  I don’t fuck with people at all out here.  I never have.  And it’s sort of ridiculous for people to draw their own conclusions as to why when nobody can be fucking bothered to ask my name.  People I made music with and shared spaces with have gone ghost.  My linkedin profile is dustier than this website when it comes to human interaction.  The only people in my inbox have been bots, scams, and worse.  Everybody has the trick in which to catch you off guard.  And yet for all the time I spend protecting myself and staying vigilant, the rest of the world just acts like it’s yolo time.  And yolo time will most definitely be this summer.  When everyone can dance and sing.  Celebrate our freedom from the virus.  Party and forget the troubles they created.  And I’ll just be out here wondering why everything is so fucking lame.  There’s an entire year of exile that shouldn’t be called anything but.  I’ve learned through writing here every week that persistence can be rewarding.  But the audience here is different.  People aren’t trying to be seen here.  We’re trying to find shelter.  This site as anonymous and dumb as it is acts like cover for many things we cherish.  There’s an intimacy I’ve grown to love about being forgotten.  It’s the fact that people are so self centered they are incapable of remembering you or your context.  When you control your own narrative as a writer, you know when people read it.  You know when you bleed your heart out and tell it like it is how people respond to it.  People are threatened by the truth, so they libel and talk shit every chance they get.  They’re afraid eventually that truth will come out of the well and shame them.  And the truth is, that already happened with me.  I just realized how little of my past really cared.  It isn’t like I haven’t shared my thoughts on this.  I’m sure whatever artificial intelligence scrapes my blog has learned how to sound genuine through me.  But for some reason I can’t express that genuine feeling to anyone but a small, solid core group of people.  Was it my intention to be seen?  Was it my intention to fake it until I make it?  How much do I have to do to not feel invisible anymore?  How can you look so drastically different on paper financially and just be treated face value like a bum?  How useless can you feel week after week when all people have ever done is copy you and say they’re better?  We’re talking decades of this by now.  There’s so many small things I’ve done that people think they’re better at.  Nobody is better than me at being kind.  I’d know.  I wouldn’t have sat here and rotted by myself in pain for so many months.  I’ve been left to my own devices when they don’t glitch out.  Judging how I fix things before anyone understands there’s anything wrong, I’ll be ok.  I can’t say the same for the rest of the world.  Nobody will ever realize the deeper problem I deal with every day.  And that fear of being alone isn’t a fear anymore.  I’m more afraid of the liability of the fair weather friends society thinks I need to maintain to be normal.

My friends are pretty much here.  The amount of emotional support I’ve received from just a click cannot be understated.  I’m sure some of my friends are hidden behind complex onion layers of safety, duty, and worse.  I never expected anything out of this other than connection and sanity.  We come to these platforms because they are communities.  Tribal tendencies exist in America because it’s easier to herd sheep together.  Collect the wool into an IPO every one or two years to sell off to hide money that isn’t there.  America has become a hall of mirrors sponsored by Enron-esque mark to market accounting.  The jobs are there but no one is hiring for skill.  They’re hiring on expectations how you fit into their complex balance sheet.  They’re looking for leverage.  I worked for a non profit for over two decades.  Watching the Theranos documentary the other day explained it perfectly.  The rich will double down on any investment if they believe they are doing a social good.  And they’ll shower themselves with praise for it.  Think Bill Gates saving the world from disease while selling VR to the military presumably for drone strikes.  The rich definitely have a great PR campaign and all the tax loopholes to sustain it.  But the reality is that much of that money never touches the people that really need it.  The opportunities are scarce.  The fight for them is fierce.  And yet no one truly understands the value of anything other than money.  The things that we are expected to do for a society that pretends we don’t exist.  Shoveling the snow for our neighbors.  Delivering packages to your door for months without a word.  I have become more of a ghost than I would ever have realized.  A memory people talk about and whisper to each other that haunts them in the flesh.  An urban legend that people make fun of and secretly wish they could be.  I can continue to be a ghost for pretty much the rest of the year.  Waiting for someone to see my true value and point me into the life they think I deserve.  As long as that life doesn’t overstep their protected and privileged space.  This has never been a two way street.  For all the good I try to do and above it all I try to be, the results are horrific.  I live in a nightmare so vivid that my dreams are comical to me.  I woke up from a dream that my mom was berating me to find a job.  I speak to my parents on the phone every week.  They don’t even mention it.  It’s quite the opposite.  I’ve beaten myself up for an entire year wondering if this is what everyone wanted.  To break me down and neutralize me.  To bring me down to a level where I was no longer a threat.  And honestly I’m more free in the long run.  People can’t figure out what to do with me.  They can’t figure out where I belong in their complex web of lies, deceit and backstabbing.  And I’ve carved out a small bulwark for myself.  It’s like I live in a little cabin or shelter.  Sanctuary from the fallout of greed.  People can throw stones but they can’t get inside.  Even if they did they’d find me and run away afraid to face the reality.  And that’s where I sit week after week.  Trying to find something that honors what I’ve been through.  And that doesn’t really include some secret plot for me to play video games to an audience of two.  One being the fbi agent and the other for the cia presumably.  I’m joking of course.  I’ve secretly realized that I’ve already made it and tell myself to stop trying so hard.  I’ve tried hard to prove I’m something for years and I just keep on becoming more invisible.  I’d be more worried if I didn’t recognize it for what it is.  You disconnect from your past through growth.  You outlast your competition.  You stay resilient.  And you wait for people to ask the right questions.  And you can do that for a really long time as long as you budget yourself correctly.  I’ve got a lot of runway to see these people choke on their own fumes.  And I will win like I always do.  It’s just some of these games are not worth playing when the odds are set up against you from behind the scenes.   I’ve come the furthest without anyone knowing or caring to know who the fuck I am.  Why fuck up a good thing?  Especially when it’s there for you week after week.  Year after year.  One click at a time.  The best things in life take their time.  And I definitely don’t regret the time I spend here.  Ok maybe some of the memes you people post.  One person’s treasure is another one’s cringe.   That’s what the scroll bar is for.  <3 Tim

[i-am-so-over-you]

Yoonmin Fic Recs Masterlist (only happy endings)

So I have been reading a lot of Yoongi/Jimin because they are giving me all the feelings, here are some of my favourite ones. I will keep updating this. It is short because I just started not too long ago. :)

Note that this is for fun only and I do not actually believe that the real Yoongi and Jimin will be romantically linked in any way. 

All of the fics are complete and on Ao3.

Updated: 19th February 2018

Wow it’s been a while since I’ve updated this list and I came back to 800 notes!! Here’s more of my recent favourites.

Aeon

aeonian (adj.) [ee-oh-nee-uhn] eternal; everlasting.

In the year 1304 A.D., tensions between the Vampires and the Lycans are at an all time high. Min Yoongi is the Captain of the Death Dealers and the most elite of the Vampires' protectors. Over the long years of his life, Yoongi has grown unemotional and apathetic, no longer interested in feeling emotions. When the human nobles come to visit, Yoongi meets Park Jimin, the youngest son of a baron, and his whole life changes. Suddenly Jimin is the most important thing in his world, and Yoongi will do anthing to protect him.

Me: Someone I just enjoy the same story of aloof Yoongi finally finding something to care about, no matter the universe. Enjoy this one, I loved it.

oil, lube, service

"Unless you know what a ‘rear oil change’ is? I mean, what the hell are they going to oil, my tires?” Jimin laughs at the ridiculousness. “Oh, I don’t know, but that sounds kind of kinky, 'changing your rear oil.' It sounds like the mechanic is preparing you for buttsex.”

“Tae!” Jimin complains.

AKA The mechanic AU where Park Jimin thinks Min Yoongi is overcharging him for car maintenance, but he's really not, cue Yoonmin falling in love.

Me: It’s refreshing to see real-life relationship struggles and personal insecurities in a fic. Honestly I think our fandom has one of the most talented writer base there is. This was so good. The author is someone I set notifications for so I get an email whenever they update. Amazing work. Do check out her other stuff if you looking for great characterised stories.

Warm Mr. Wolfie

Jimin's late aunt left him a cabin last year, and he still hasn't been by so he takes time off to spend the holiday season there. Little does he know he'll meet a wolf on his hike behind the cabin, a wolf that will change form in front of him and claim to be his mate.

Me: If you are looking for something short and cute this is the one to go for. Very fast burn.

Gotta Be Fate (If We’re Under the Covers)

Jimin is excited to just sleep for a day and maybe catch up on some tv shows at the hotel.

That is, until they get to the new hotel they’re staying at, and he gets handed a room key that’s the same as Yoongi’s. Meaning, he and Yoongi will share a room and worse, he and Yoongi will have to share a bed.

“Why do I have to share with Yoongi-hyung?” Jimin complains. He’s managed to avoid it this whole trip which is really in his best interest if he wants to keep his raging heart boner for him hidden.

AKA my response to Yoonmin sharing a bed, 8 years too late.

Me: I’ve loved canon-compliant fics, not because I really believe the real-life them are together but because it makes it easier to picture, somehow, This is so cute and sweet.

The Songbird and the Sea

In a world where dominance of the sea is an endless battle between pirates and mariners, Park Jimin is content living in his little village on a small, uninteresting island by the eastern mainland. He wants nothing to do with the bloodshed of good and evil, the heartless killing of both innocents and condemned, the constant establishment and disruption of order. What he wants is peace, to live his life in the same town he was born in, to spend his days in the beautiful forest, and to use the powers of his Blessed Rune to nurture the home he loves so dearly.

But when his island is attacked by pirates, Jimin will have no other choice than to do as they command and leave all thoughts of peace behind in favor of boarding the Agust, a pirate ship captained by the infamous Min Yoongi, Black Fox of the East.

Me: I just want to say that I’ve been aware of this pic since a very long time ago but I refused to read it until it was completed (cos I am just not very good at waiting). THIS IS A MASTERPIECE.

Updated: 28th September 2017

Winter Blues

Yoongi is turned into a cat by a sorceress, and novice witch Jimin finds him and takes him home. Fluff and feelings ensue.

Me: This fic is fluff. Fluff. Fluff. There is just enough tension. Just enough angst. Just enough everything to make this the perfect warm-feeling fic to end off the night before you sleep.

7 Minutes in Heaven

“It’s a fusion game. The person who spins the bottle gets to ask the person it landed on truth or dare, and if that person doesn’t want to answer or do the dare then they either take a shot or take off an article of clothing,” Jin says like he’s proud of improvising such a fantastic game. “I’m not playing that,” Yoongi says. “Hyung, don’t be a party pooper, are you scared we’ll learn your secrets?” Hoseok asks and Namjoon ah’s dramatically. Yoongi shakes his head and puts his tongue in his cheek before he smiles at their antics, pushing Namjoon over closer to Jin so that he can sit down. “Please, hyung, it sounds like fun!” Jungkook says. “It’s my birthday.”

Me: Indulgent!Yoongi and shy!Jimin is my favourite thing.

Coffee and Honey

"-Hyung...- Hoseok sighs -You are as intimidating as a pink marshmallow. -That's the fucking point! -Yoongi literally bangs his head on the table -He IS a pink marshmallow."

In which Yoongi has insomnia, cannot for the love of God socialize, and Jimin is the way too cheerful and, oh, so downright gorgeus barista who works in a nocturnal coffe shop.

Me: As an insomniac, this fic feels like a dream come true.

13 Iconic Yoonmin Moments

"Taetae

https://youtu.be/jESuM-NRS9k 23:59 I feel like you might want to watch this, hyung ;) 23:59"

Or, the one where Taehyung sends Yoongi a video that shows the top 13 Iconic Yoonmin Moments, and suddenly Yoongi is way too aware of the way Jimin acts around him.

Me: I really love canon BTS fics and this one is good so much that it is believable. I really really love how the writer made it realistic and well-paced.

Money can’t buy happiness (except when it does)

“So, I know that you're homeless and that you don't need my pity, it's just that I noticed you always write on the edges of your notebook because you probably can't buy a new one, so I bought you six new notebooks and... wait, are you crying?” AU

Me: This made me sad but made me smile at the same time. As always, all fics all this list end well so get ready for some light angst that ends with fluff.

Please don’t take my Sunshine Away

"As you took the sun away from my life I will do the same. You'll never feel the sun on your skin again, you will never see the light of day. Only when someone will feel for you love in the purest form, in the brightest way, only then the sun will come back again. But too bad, such love does not exist and it will never find it's way."

Min Yoongi is cursed and hasn't seen the sun in three years. Enter Park Jimin, literal ray of sunshine, and suddenly the sun isn't so important anymore.

Me: As someone who has days that feel like they never see the sunlight. I think I am also looking for a Jimin who is the embodiment of sunshine.

in your eyes (it’s where i wanna be)

Jimin pauses with his marker inches away from the cup, because — is he really going to do this? Isn’t it a bit old-fashioned to write something flirty on a coffee cup? But no matter what his churning gut says about danger and what the hell are you doing do you want to die, this guy is — with no better way to put it — totally Jimin’s Type with a capital T.

(Or: Jimin accidentally starts a nickname war with the cute blonde who likes his coffee way too bitter.)

Me: This is just so much cute blushing Jimin and tough but secretly soft Yoongi. I love love love this so much.

Updated: 25th June 2017

I only rec fics with happy endings.

Heated Love

"In his daze Jimin barely realizes the seriousness of the situation, but he’s sure of one thing: he’d trust Yoongi with his life. And right now, with his aching body and burning skin, he couldn’t trust anyone else but the alpha to take care of him."

In which Jimin is going through his first heat and, again, he doesn't really know what to do.

Me: this is the continuation to the First Love fic further down this list. I am a sucker for protective!Yoongi and needyOmega!Jimin so let’s just leave it at there. I also might have a bit of a Hyung kink but let’s not talk about this anymore.

Movie Night

Movie night with the band usually means a lazy evening watching some dull western flick while eating unhealthy amounts of popcorn, but every now and then, when it’s Jeongguk’s turn to pick, it means gory horror movies that has Jimin burying his face in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck to not scream in terror at every single jumpscare.

And Yoongi? Well, Yoongi finds a new way to distract him.

Me: This is *blush* the filthiest one-shot I have on this list and it hits all the right spots. Featuring the shy Jiminnie and his indulgent Yoongi. 

Barbershop Romance

Jimin's impromptu visit to a salon called SUGA turns out to be more interesting than he expected. Way more interesting.

(Also known as 27 pages full of tooth-rotting fluff, painfully obvious flirting, and sexual tension.)

Me: This is just so much fluff and tension and Min Yoongi being a secret softie for our Jimin. 

Barbershop Love

Jimin has never taken his best friend’s jokes about his alleged praise kink seriously, because that’s all they are and ever will be. Jokes. They’re stupid jokes that Taehyung makes at his expense to see the shy Jimin turn into a blushing, embarrassed mess of stuttering protests and meek curses. They’re only jokes, and they’re so stupid.

Or at least Jimin has always thought so, but then his hairdresser boyfriend asks him to pose as a model for his winter collection, and Jimin realizes that there might the teeniest, tiniest bit of truth to Taehyung’s persistent teasing.

Me: I am quite the sucker also for a Jimin with a praise kink. Let’s just leave it as that. This is a sorta sequel to the fic above. MissterMaia is a genius, I would recommend reading everything they have written.

Greedy

Yoongi gives Jimin anything he asks for, but Jimin still wants more.

Me: SugarDaddy!Yoongi pampers SugarBaby!Jimin but his baby wants more. So much more. This is just fluff there is so much fluff.

Math Tutor

Min Yoongi is the school's resident Bad Boy™. He's covered in tattoos, is pierced, curses like a sailor, smokes like crazy, doesn't give a shit about anything, possesses a hot temper that has people steering clear of him, and is desperately in love with Park Jimin, the adorable math nerd. When Jimin is tasked with tutoring Yoongi in math, who is in danger of failing the class and being held back a year, both boys are hesitant. Yoongi because he can't think straight around the boy with startling red hair, and Jimin because Yoongi is scary as hell and looks like he can easily kill someone. Gradually, though, the two grow closer, and Jimin finds that Yoongi is nothing like how he'd imagined.

Me: BadBoy!Yoongi being a softie for our good student Jimin. Hits all the right spots.

Blueberry Muffins

Park Jimin, a meek, quiet assistant at Bangtan News Station, catches the wrath of his long- time crush, the 7’o clock news anchor, Min Yoongi, when Jimin accidentally switches scripts one night and almost causes an incident on live, national television. Yoongi is furious and makes Jimin cry in a room full of their coworkers, calling him names and telling him how stupid he is. Afterwards, Jimin takes to avoiding Yoongi like the plague, and Yoongi, who at first couldn’t stand Jimin, can’t help but start noticing him everywhere. Soon he finds himself falling for Jimin, which scares him, because Yoongi has never felt this way about a man before. Will it be too late to salvage a relationship with Jimin, or did Yoongi ruin his chance for good?

Me: Some light angst here and there but of course, like all the other fics in this list, there is a happy endings. 

The Devil’s Mistress

Yoongi is Captain of the pirate ship, the Devil's Mistress, and he and his crew are racing against time to find a famous buried treasure, always one step behind and losing it to another rival ship. To gain the upper hand, Yoongi kidnaps a silver-haired beauty who is rumored to be a creature of great power. He isn't expecting to fall in love on the way.

Me: I love the bed-sharing trope in fics. So this is perfect.

Side Dishes

Yoongi is Korea's most famous actor. He's kissed so many pretty girls that he doesn't know what love is supposed to feel like anymore.

And then he meets rookie actor Park Jimin.

Me: What? A fic with feelings and plot and also a secondary plot that is good enough to be a fic of its own? 

Magic Appa Love Scone

The one where Park Jimin thinks he mostly has his shit together until he wakes up married in a future universe that tells him otherwise.

AKA the one where fate slaps Park Jimin across the face.

Me: I know that the title sounds weird but wow this gave me far too many feelings. 

Sexy Mochi

Yoongi’s never really understood why it’s a stereotypical thing for alphas to have some obsession with omega’s necks. He’d always thought that was kind of weird and just some macho ‘make your mate submit by biting their throat’ thing until he’s alone in the kitchen with Park Jimin and his damn shirt falls down his damn shoulder.

Me: Omega!Jimin is a tease when he wants to be.

Spring Day

Even when he was a pup, Park Jimin never even dreamed that he would find his soulmate. Thoughts like that were better left to his hopelessly romantic best friend and partner in crime, Kim Taehyung. It's a one in a million chance, but a twist of fate brings a strange wolf into Jimin's life and it changes things forever.

Me: Alpha!Yoongi learns to love with our little Omega!Jimin. With a healthy amount of angst to add to the fluff at the end.

Updated: 3rd June 2017

I have returned with some new fics I found over the last few weeks. Enjoy! :D 

Out of My System

Yoongi likes one night stands and he understands how they work. What he doesn’t understand, however, is how he ended up in bed with a probably-not-legal kid crying in his arms about his broken heart, because he’s pretty sure (and correct him if he’s wrong) that a babysitting job was not what he was looking for when he went to the opening of his friend’s new club.

Me: How do I say this, there are fics that start with one night stands and none of them went on as beautifully as this one. It is a natural progression, almost like a real relationship, I am like the way Yoongi is portrayed here. Conflicted but ultimately a softie at heart.

where the heart is

She hadn’t been ready to be a mother and Yoongi hadn’t been ready to be a father, but where she had turned tail and run, Yoongi had vowed never to do the same.

Me: I wasn’t expecting this single father Yoongi story to pull me in as much as it did. There is sufficient twists in this to keep it interesting and also a climax at the end which is nice. A soft, mostly fluffy story of how a Yoongi believes in love again. 

tear the moon from the stars tonight

"Remember what I told you. You are mine now and I take care of my things."

Joseon Era AU: Jimin, a low born, catches the attention of nobleboy Min Yoongi.

Me: I wasn’t sure what to expect of this Joseon AU fic but it was pretty good, with enough character progression. Read it for something different.

Paper Chase

Jimin thought that joining a fraternity would be all parties and fun. He hadn’t anticipated falling for his cute roommate, Yoongi.

Me: If you are looking for some light fluff and PWP, this is the fic to go for. It is a hard R so beware.

Updated: 29th May 2017

when you're in love all the lines get blurred

Jimin isn't sure what possessed him to lie to his mother and tell her that he had a boyfriend, but now that he's opened the position, he has no choice but to fill it. Yoongi is, apparently, his only option.

Me: I just love love love love the whole fake boyfriend idea no matter which fandom I am into at the moment. I really enjoyed this one there is some angst but also so must fluff.

The 100-Day Love Challenge 

For a variety show challenge, Jimin must tell Yoongi every day for 100 days that he loves him.

Me: There is nothing for me to explain. Nothing. If you are having a bad day and need fluff this is it.

Conflicting Arrangement

"Absolutely not," Yoongi deadpanned. "Namjoon-ah. I value you as a friend, and I think I'd even go as far as to say that you're my best friend, but absolutely fucking not."

"You owe me," Namjoon pleaded. "Come on, Yoongi, it's not a big deal."

"Your boyfriend's best friend's best friend needs a fake boyfriend to come out to his family this Chuseok, all the way in fucking Busan." Yoongi repeated drily without pause, making Namjoon wince. He flipped a page of his textbook, picking up his highlighter. "Not a big deal, Namjoon. Amazing."

Me: This is a really really long fic but god do I love it. It is worth it. Slow but the character development is really really well done. It is also yet another pretend boyfriend fics (I just love them)

First Love

Jimin is being courted for the first time. He doesn't really know what to do.

Me: This fic is in the OmegaVerse, if you are not into it please do not enter. I repeat, DO NOT ENTER. However if you are, this fic is just too precious not to share I want to drown in the fluffiness of it all.

Do You Like Your Drafts Rough?

As a romance novelist, one would think Min Yoongi would have his own romantic life sorted out a little more than he actually did. Because instead of being in a happy, nauseating relationship, Yoongi was juggling both a one-sided crush and some punk who lived downstairs.

Me: This is an AU where Yoongi is a writer and Jin is a librarian. I highly recommend the entire series.

we pass in front of a flower shop (and i catch the scent of roses)

Jimin's a florist who sings to the flowers and crushes hard on the mint-haired man who just came in to buy a cactus.

Me: Just picture Jiminnie singing to flowers and watering them because i am dying at the thought of it and this fic is exactly what it is. PLEASE READ for a fluffy time.

[alicethruthelookingglass]

The Year's Most Unexpected Action Hero

How a lonely childhood, cheeky YouTube videos, and a supernatural TV series prepared Dylan O’Brien to star in September’s big budget movie adventure.

As 4,000 screaming fans fixed their gaze on a microphone in the middle of San Diego Comic-Con's cavernous Ballroom 20, a young girl approached and cleared her throat.

"Hi! I love you, Dylan O'Brien," she excitedly exclaimed, already fighting back tears. "Aw, you're so cute," replied O'Brien and, with a single compliment, unwittingly triggered a full-blown emotional meltdown: The girl's knees buckled, her entire body trembled, and her hysterical crying could not be stopped.

"Are you OK?" O'Brien asked, genuinely concerned, as she repeated, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God," through a mask of endless tears.

These kinds of uncontrollable breakdowns, reserved only for the biggest stars in the world, have become increasingly common in O'Brien's life because, for the two million fans who religiously tune into Teen Wolf every week, that's exactly what he is: a superstar.

Since its launch in June 2011, MTV's supernatural werewolf drama has grown to be the network's signature series and landed O'Brien on the cover of every teen magazine, and netted him nearly two million Twitter followers as well as an endless stream of Tumblr shrines. In recent seasons, his performance as Stiles Stilinski, the wisecracking best friend to Tyler Posey's titular werewolf, has evolved beyond simple comedic relief, revealing a much more complex, nuanced, and capable actor.

O'Brien is now attempting to parlay his television and internet popularity into box office success with the Sept. 19 release of action film The Maze Runner, an adaptation of James Dashner's 2009 dystopian young adult novel revolving around a mysterious maze and its reluctant inhabitants.

20th Century Fox, the studio behind Maze Runner, is betting big on O'Brien. Pre-production on a sequel — based on Dasher's The Scorch Trials — has already commenced in New Mexico and O'Brien is, essentially, the centerpiece of their omnipresent marketing campaign. The hope is clearly to mobilize his fans so that they come out in droves on opening weekend.

But as O'Brien sat back in his chair at Cipriani, located inside Beverly Hills hotel Mr. C's, one month after that girl broke down upon seeing him at Comic-Con, he almost seemed blissfully unaware of just how much is riding on his slender shoulders.

"I never thought about the size of the movie," the 23-year-old told BuzzFeed News, with a shrug. "Cut to a year later and the first question I'm getting from everyone is, So this movie is gonna blow up, what are you going to do? It never felt that way. It was an underdog script and an under-the-radar project with all relatively up-and-coming actors — we don't have anyone in the movie like Kate Winslet [Divergent] or Donald Sutherland or Phillip Seymour Hoffman [The Hunger Games]. So it always felt super small to us, but we always knew it could exist amongst those because it's so good."

O'Brien was quick to add that shrugging off industry expectations should not be mistaken for professional ignorance. In fact, he's incredibly fastidious — almost to a fault — of the material to which he exposes his young fan base, particularly on social media.

"I'm so careful of the things I say and so conscientious of my fans and who is following me on Twitter that I know I can't tweet about certain things, I know I can't talk about certain things, I know I can't say certain things," he said. "I feel like there are very few people whose personalities shine through Twitter. Mine couldn't be further from who I am. Every now and then I squeeze some of my humor through, but it's very held back and reserved because attention has always made me react that way. It's just how I'm wired. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful, it's actually because I really care about not letting people down."

O'Brien's innate need to please has been amplified by the sheer volume of fans he's amassed in just the last few years. "It blows me away," he said of the borderline-crazy level of adoration he's received ever since landing the role of Stiles. "In a way, I can never fully understand it because I don't know if I'm wired that way. But what makes me feel good about it is I'm bringing them happiness and that I can relate to."

He explained, "I loved movies so much as a kid because I moved cross country and I went through a hard time at school, having kids really make my life miserable for no reason. The one thing I would look forward to at the end of the day was going home to watch my TV shows. TV and movies would instill this happiness in me. So I totally get it. I was that kid too. I get genuinely touched by it sometimes because I can now give that to kids, and that's cool.

That aforementioned move in 2003, from New Jersey to California, not only made O'Brien the subject of many a bullies' wrath, but also intensified his introverted nature. "I was painfully, painfully shy," he said, without a hint of shame, about his childhood. "There were four or five years of not having any friends." Lacking anyone real to play with, O'Brien embraced his love for pop culture and began creating short films, most of which still exist online to this day.

"I never even thought about deleting them," he said with a sly smirk of the videos — one of which features O'Brien lip-synching to the Spice Girls — contradicting the knee-jerk reaction that overly image conscious celebrities have to their pre-fame online lives. "It's not like I keep them up because they're really good. Obviously, I look at those videos and cringe. But those videos were my life back then — and what started my career."

While O'Brien was solely creating for himself, the videos began to gain traction, both online and in the industry, becoming something of a calling card for the then 18-year-old.

"I remember that all he had on the back of his resume were two YouTube links," Teen Wolf executive producer Jeff Davis told BuzzFeed about O'Brien's first audition for Stiles in 2010. "He was funny and had this energy about him, this elasticity to his body and his movements. He really impressed us. That night, I went home and started watching his YouTube films. After that, he was the only person I could see playing Stiles."

The prevailing narrative about O'Brien's career — that he was, essentially, plucked from obscurity by MTV — is one the actor doesn't refute. In truth, he's grateful for the unusually quick path to becoming a working actor. "I think it was the best way for it to happen to me because I was filled with so much doubt as a kid," O'Brien said. "I never deemed this career truly possible in my mind, so being thrown into it really helped because it gave me a lot of confidence that this is something I am meant to do for the rest of my life."

For O'Brien, the MTV series turned out to be more than a professional launching pad; it also enrolled him in an unofficial acting school. "Classes are great, but I've never had to do them because I've been lucky enough to be working for the last three years," said the actor, who is not formally trained. "I just go off my gut and I honestly don't even know if I could do it any other way. I just feel like acting should just be as real and stripped down and human and raw as it can be. I sort of always liked that I'm a human first and an actor second."

This organic performance style not only captured the attention of Teen Wolf fans — instantly turning his sidekick character into, essentially, a co-lead — but also the directors who auditioned him for subsequent movie roles.

"Dylan came in; by 20 seconds into the audition, he was the frontrunner of everyone I'd seen for the part up to that point," writer/director Jon Kasdan wrote in an email to BuzzFeed News about casting O'Brien in 2012's The First Time, a Hughes-ian high school romantic comedy co-starring Britt Robertson. "Whatever that intangible thing is, that every actor in the world wants to have and almost none of them do, Dylan's got it."

While every Teen Wolf viewer knows of the charisma that Kasdan references, the lingering question remains: Will O'Brien's "it factor" be enough to turn The Maze Runner into an instant hit?

While the film features a handful of up-and-coming young actors (We're The Millers star Will Poulter, Game of Thrones' Thomas Brodie-Sangster, and Skins alum Kaya Scodelario), it's very much a star vehicle for O'Brien, who plays Thomas, the newest prisoner unleashed into the massive puzzle.

"I needed Thomas to come into the world as a scared and vulnerable kid, but leave a man," director Wes Ball told BuzzFeed News of his quest to cast an actor that could convincingly play Thomas at both ends of that all-important spectrum. "Dylan is this super sweet kid who just wants to work very hard. He's not afraid to expose himself or look weak. He's got confidence that's not bravado. That's what makes him the kind of hero I love: not a superhero, a regular person doing super things."

That duality was readily apparent to O'Brien and was one of the project's many attractions for him. "The first thing I noticed was that I felt really right for the role when I read the script," O'Brien said, fussing with his unruly hair. "I liked the way the story was told, I thought it was a cool concept, and then I met Wes, who blew me away. Basically that's when this movie turned into something I was vying for. Once I got it, I was realized I was so lucky."

Three defining characteristics repeatedly cropped up as Davis, Kasdan, and Ball spoke about O'Brien.

First: His endless enthusiasm. "His energy doesn't impress me so much as I envy it," Kasdan wrote. "It's boundless and youthful and exuberant and hilarious and … it infuses that movie with life and electricity."

Second: His utter lack of ego. "The unusual thing about Dylan is he's not at all vain or narcissistic," Kasdan added. "I mean, not AT ALL. Which, for an actor, is pretty unusual. He's just a nice, enthusiastic guy. He's quick to laugh and inclusive of everyone."

Third: His steadfast commitment to the work. "Dylan is someone who cares very deeply about the craft of acting," said Davis. "And, as is the way of passionate artists, he doesn't really care about fame. It's sort of a strange side effect to him. A lot of people come to Hollywood seeking fame, and they never find the depth of quality in their acting. Then there are others who simply experience fame as a side effect of their talent. And that's Dylan, he's focused on the craft."

For Ball, the union of O'Brien's energy, lack of ego, and unflappable dedication were the main reasons why filming on The Maze Runner was such a success. "It's hard for people to slack when you have Dylan — who just worked 14 hours — beat up and bruised, but still going at it the next day as hard as he did previously," the director said. "It was hard not to try and rise and support the kid. Everyone knew the movie was his burden so it was about rising to his level of involvement."

Knowing he would have to completely immerse himself in the character in order to ground the film's fantastical world, O'Brien looked to Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Matt Damon, actors he's long considered professional and personal inspirations. "I look at them as heroes," he said. "I was a kid watching them and they've completely wired the way I work, because I didn't go to acting school. I go off of what I love and that's been ingrained in me just through their passion for their work."

That appreciation has grown into a true passion, according to his former and current bosses, who can't help but see shades of old-school Hollywood within O'Brien's work and personality.

"People always compare him to major movie stars, like Harrison Ford or Tom Hanks — and I agree," Ball said. Davis agreed: "I think he's like Tom Hanks; I see him going from comedy to drama. I think he may be more interested in drama right now because it's something that challenges him, and it scares him a little."

Kasdan took those sentiments one step further. "A guy who's genuinely funny and looks like that? It's the most valuable and scarce resource in Hollywood, because most movies are about young, white men. And there are maybe a dozen guys in the whole business that are those two things. Of any age. The best example right at the moment is obviously Chris Pratt, who is hilarious and looks like a leading man, and you can see what's happening with him. Dylan is one of those guys, so his potential is… pretty much limitless. What would be more surprising is if he didn't end up saving the world from an alien threat sometime in the next few years."

And while those kinds of big budget opportunities will likely come knocking, O'Brien remains committed to cultivating a very particular kind of career. "I'm someone who's drawn to projects that are not necessarily geared for success," he said, with a laugh. "I'm not into going after the project that all the agents are trying to get you to sign on to. I like making things that kind of come out of nowhere. I think that's cool and special and what I want to do in terms of my career."

But, in the end, the shy kid who endured years without friends may win out, as his deep-seated aversion to attention — the kind that particularly comes from headlining massive movie franchises — could fuel his choice to star in smaller, more personal projects.

"I'm very private and don't particularly thrive off being the center of attention," he said, ironically, as a throng of publicists encircled us, signaling the end of the interview. "Everyone I meet is like, 'You? Shy? Quit yanking me.' But I think people can work in ways [that] contradict how they are as a person. This is my job, this is what I do, and I'm so grateful. I love to do it and I feel good at it, but at the same time, it very much combats the person in me who is only comfortable with certain people. I still am, innately, a very shy person."

[jakehallen-blog]

Spring Break: UK + Ireland

Just when I thought I could sit down and relax, I was wrong! What a week it has been! You’re probably thinking, well it’s about time that we get to read another blog post. I know, I know, it has been ages! As the saying goes, good things take time. This applies to my absence from posting within the past couple of weeks. So let’s get right to it! As my fellow peers and friends jetted off to warm places such as Italy, Greece, and Spain, I, along with my good friend Bridget, decided to be different and I’m so glad we did. Bridget and I met each other during our freshman year of college at Fisher. We were ecstatic when we both found out that we were accepted into the AIFS Study Abroad program back in September. Fast forward to now, and we have awesome memories to share with you all regarding our week-long Spring Break trip to Scotland, Northern Ireland, Ireland, and Wales. So we embarked on our 9-day journey by taking a 6-hour train ride from London to Edinburgh, Scotland. As I looked out the window when we arrived in Scotland, all I could see were hoards of sheep, and I mean a lot of sheep. Along with livestock were luscious green landscapes and seeing that reminded me of home, in other words, a nice change of scenery from the London cityscape. We arrived in Edinburgh around 7PM and stayed two nights at a church, which had been converted into a hostel. A hostel is a location, which provides inexpensive food and lodging typically for students or travelers who are trying to budget their money. To some this may not seem very appealing, it wasn’t to me at first but I eventually warmed up to it. While the sleeping arrangements typically had 4, 6, or 12 roommates, it was an awesome way to meet new people and learn about different cultures and experiences that others were able to share. At the Edinburgh hostel, Bridget and I met three high school students from Northern Scotland. They were very kind and gave us suggestions on sites to see. They shared their insight on Scottish culture, more specifically the education system. This conversation occurred mainly because they were high school students and wanted to know about our studies. So the next day we got up early and set out to explore the city. At our first stop, we visited the Elephant House Café which was where the famous Author of Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling, sat and found inspiration for the Harry Potter book series while she sipped on coffee and tea and stared out the back window, which faced the Edinburgh Castle.

Pictured at top: Me atop of Arthur’s Seat

Pictured: The Elephant House Café

Next, we visited a nearby cemetery of famous philosophers, writers, and poets who were born or resided in Edinburgh. The cemetery also inspired J.K. Rowling so much that she named some characters in the books after names on tombstones within the cemetery. As we walked down the Royal Mile, the main road of the city, we walked by a scarf shop where I decided to go in and buy a lambswool scarf to keep me warm for the rest of the trip. Every place I go I buy at least one souvenir specifically tailored to each city. One of Edinburgh’s major exports is lambswool and I’ve always wanted a nice scarf so I thought, why not. Next, we headed to climb Arthur’s Seat, the main mountain in Edinburgh, which was at one time a volcano and gets its name from King Arthur. The views of the city from the top were absolutely breathtaking and worth the exhaustion from the climb. Remember the scarf I bought prior, yeah, that beautiful accessory came off pretty quickly as I climbed the mountain nearly about to sweat to death and pass out. If anyone knows me well enough, they know that I tend to avoid lots of physical activity.

Pictured: View from Arthur’s Seat

Pictured: Bridget and me atop of Arthur’s Seat

We definitely got our steps in for that day and even trekked over to the castle to get an up-close view. An interesting fact about the castle is that a royal castle has been at that same location since the 12th century and archeologists have concluded that human occupancy of the location dates back to 2nd century AD. Needless to say, it is definitely an amazing place to visit for sure and I highly recommend it.

Pictured: Edinburgh Castle

Pictured: Scottish Bagpiper

Pictured: Edinburgh’s most expensive apartment building (my favorite in terms of architecture-I have expensive taste)

The next day we departed Edinburgh and traveled by plane to Belfast, Northern Ireland. We arrived in the evening and ventured out into the city to the main area where shops, pubs, and restaurants were located. We grabbed dinner and strolled the streets looking at the art sculptures.

Pictured: The Spirit of Belfast

We spent one night in Belfast at a hostel, which appeared to be an old college dorm building. Bridget and I came to such a conclusion due to the fact that one of Belfast’s largest University’s was directly behind the building we were staying in. Luckily, the room we stayed in only had two extra people. Our roommates for the night were two young men, one from France and the other from Switzerland. We talked with them for a while and actually learned that the French guy had recently moved to London and in fact lives only two tube stops away from us. As for the Swiss guy, we learned that he lived in a small village where most of the people who reside there only speak Swiss-German. At that point in the trip, I began to realize that staying in hostels is actually quite interesting. The next day we caught a bus to the picturesque Belfast Castle, located just North of the city. The original Belfast Castle was actually built in the center of the city but unfortunately burned down in 1708 and was later rebuilt in 1811 at its present location and was designed by a Scottish man.

Pictured: Belfast Castle

Pictured: Me in front of Belfast Castle sporting my new scarf

Later that day we journeyed down to the bay area and visited the Titanic Museum. The exhibit was incredible. I learned that at the time, Belfast was home to the largest port and ship export in the UK and most of Europe. During the Great Famine of Ireland, many people flocked to Belfast in search of work, ultimately building the Titanic quickly because of the influx of migrant workers.

Pictured: Titanic Museum (Titanic Belfast)

Pictured: Sign outside the Museum

After visiting the museum we headed to the train station where we boarded our train heading towards Dublin, Ireland. We arrived in Dublin around dinner time needed to switch trains in order to head to Galway, Ireland for a couple of days. Now remember, I usually do not like too much physical activity but somehow Bridget convinced me to walk 45 minutes from one train station to the other. Mind you, I had a 50lb duffle bag on my shoulder and it began to downpour halfway through the walk. It was then that I regretted not hopping in a cab to take me to the other side of town to catch the train. When we got to the train station I found a minute to breathe and also discovered a “Supermacs” which is the Irish version of McDonald’s. I thought to myself, ya know, I deserve to be rewarded with a crispy chicken sandwich, large fry, and a tasty coke. Even though I am abroad and have grown as a person, I haven’t changed at all! So we arrived in Galway in the later evening and headed directly for the hostel. We checked in and whipped open the door of our room and as if the night couldn’t get more stressful, we discovered that we would have to room the next two nights with an entire men’s rugby team. Oh my heavens did that room ever smell. On the bright side, we signed up for a tour the next day and had to get up early for to catch the bus. So at least we only were in the room to sleep and get ready in the morning. The next day we set out for the Cliffs of Moher. The tour lasted all day and our tour guide as amazing. A very intelligent older man who has been a tour guide for over 30 years taught us everything from the history of castles to the significance behind the concept of roof thatching on homes all across Ireland. We visited the first castle in Ireland but unfortunately weren’t able to go inside it because it was closed. Nevertheless, it was absolutely stunning.

Pictured: Dunguaire Castle

Pictured: Home with a thatched roof

We arrived at the Cliffs of Moher in the afternoon and had a couple of hours to walk around the cliffs. I, of course, needed a full-blown photo shoot and forced Bridget to take lots of photos of me on my camera. I got very close to the edge and even sat on it. I’m still here and alive so that’s a great sign.

Pictured: Cliffs of Moher

Pictured: Me atop of the Cliffs of Moher

Pictured: Galway Bay

While walking along the cliffs we talked with a guy by the name of Adam who was also on vacation and on the tour as well. We introduced ourselves and talked quite a bit throughout the remainder of the trip. We learned that he was in his mid-twenties, originally from Florida, and had recently moved to Germany to work as a mechanic for the U.S. Air Force. When we arrived back in Galway that evening we exchanged social media profiles. Later that night he messaged us and invited us to meet up with him for dinner, we thought why not. So we went and had a great time. We went to a local pub and I even tried Guinness for the first time. It was really good. I also had fish n chips for dinner. When we were finished Adam was so generous that he offered to pay and we politely tried to tell him that it wasn’t necessary but he insisted. It’s truly a great feeling to realize that there are still very kind people out there these days. The next day we departed from Galway by train back to Dublin to spend the next two nights in another hostel. While in Dublin we visited St. Patrick’s Cathedral, Dublin Castle, Trinity College, and even had dinner at the Celt Bar where there was live music. We also visited the Kilmainham Gaol, which was a prison that held leaders of the 1916 Easter Rising and also was the location of their executions. On a lighter note, during our last night in Dublin, Adam messaged us on Facebook and told us that he had just arrived in Dublin and had extra tickets to the Country to Country Music Festival which was going on that night. He offered them to us and didn’t expect us to pay him back. Once again he insisted we join him, so we did. It was an amazing time. The major performers of the night were the Zac Brown Band. If you ever get the chance to see them, I highly recommend, they were very good live. While at the concert we introduced ourselves to the group of people who stood next do us during the concert. We learned that the couple were originally from Sydney, Australia and had moved to London for work. The other two people in the group were from Germany and were clearly major fans of not only country music but also the band performing. We danced with them, jammed out all night, and had an awesome time.  

Pictured: Dublin Castle

Pictured: Trinity College

Pictured: Me in the Irish Modern Art Museum Gardens

Pictured: Kilmainham Gaol

Pictured: St. Patrick’s Cathedral

Pictured: The three of us at the concert

Pictured: Performers at the Celt Bar

The next day we left Dublin and traveled by plane to Cardiff, Wales for our last stop on our trip. When we arrived I instantly got a feeling that I would adore the city. A small seaside city, Cardiff gained its wealth due to the major amounts of coal that were mined and exported there. The hostel we stayed at for the night was so charming that I also highly recommend staying there. Originally built as an office building the inside of the building has original staircases, dark wood molding, and eye-catching wallpaper. The entire place was decorated with antiques, so basically very similar to my taste in decorating. It clearly makes sense as to why I loved it so much. So the next day, Bridget and I decided to part ways because she wanted to visit the Doctor Who Museum and I wanted to visit Cardiff Castle and knew we wouldn’t be able to fit in both since our train left that night. I visited the castle and toured the inside of the Keep, or the tower on the hill which over looks the castle. Luckily, I was able to visit the inside of the castle, which was so incredible. The photos fail to give it justice but I absolutely loved it.

Pictured: The Keep

Pictured: Cardiff Castle

Pictured: The inside of the castle

In the afternoon, Bridget and I met up at Cardiff Bay and spend the afternoon there and grabbed some great food and took in the beauty of the parks and water. We also went inside of the Pierhead building, often referred to as the “Big Ben of Cardiff,” naturally, I adored it.

Pictured: Cardiff Bay

Pictured: Pierhead Building

Pictured: Me in front of the Pierhead Building

Reflecting on my Spring break adventure, I realize that I am beyond blessed and am so thankful to have such amazing opportunities to see this beautiful world and discover all that it has to offer. During my trip I often found myself thinking long and hard about all the things that make me happy and it is my hope that I can in return give back by making others happy in everything that I do. I enjoy sharing my adventures with everyone and truly appreciate the support and kindness that I have received throughout my life. I’ll keep on continuing to smile and I hope you do as well. Keep following along. Itchy Feet is on the move!! Much love. XX

[cassie1604]

Dreena Collins

For the first Author Interview of 2020, it gives me great pleasure to introduce you to one of my fellow Jersey Writers Social Group members. Her writing a CV is an impressive one, and since 2016, her name has appeared on Long and Shortlists for an eye-watering list of competitions. Flash 500, Reflex, Retreat West, Eyelands, Fish Publications, Wells Festival of Literature, Mslexia Annual Short Story Competition and The Bridport Prize. The creme de la creme of writing competitions, who have recognised the writing talent of Dreena Collins.

Dreena Collins captivating her audience at the 2019 Jersey Festival of Words with her engaging wit and passion for creative writing.

In September last year, Dreena entertained a packed Maria Richie Room at the Jersey Arts Centre, during the 2019 Jersey Festival of Words captivating us all with her engaging wit, and her passion for creative writing.

During 2019, Dreena self-published three volumes of her excellent short stories and flash fiction, The Blue Hour, The Day I Nearly Drowned and, most recently Bird Wing. The Amazon reviews alone are glowing.

Tessa:  I can imagine you being an avid reader as a child.  What children’s books hooked you in and have stuck in your mind over the years?

Dreena:  From quite a young age, I was captivated by novels. I remember reading Ballet Shoes (Noel Streatfeild), and marvelling at how hefty the book was, thinking I couldn’t possibly ever finish it! Within a few years, I had also read and fallen in love with The Secret Garden and The Hobbit. There was a lot of escapism in my reading, and I romanticised the locations, picturing myself in archaic or fantastical clothing, in unusual settings.

In secondary school, I moved on to Steinbeck (via Judy Blume, naturally!) and eventually in my later teenage years, I loved the classics, especially Jane Austen. So, all in all, quite a diverse mix, really!

I work in education, and at heart, I’m an English teacher. I firmly believe in the power of reading to change people’s lives and provide them with opportunities. Being able to read gives you access to learning, but also to a whole world of pleasure and imagination, so I am a great advocate for adults reading to children and for encouraging people to find something that appeals to them. I’m sure there’s a book out there for everyone.

Tessa: My first literary success was winning a Blue Peter Badge for writing poetry, aged seven, but my passion for writing took a serious hold when I was about eleven. At what age did you decide you wanted to write?

Dreena: I’ve always loved writing. At the age of five, I wrote a short rhyme for the school’s Harvest Festival (which I could still recite, but I’m too embarrassed to share here!).

At primary school, I also wrote some tediously long ‘short’ stories. At that time, it was most definitely quantity over quality. That urge to write stayed with me during secondary school, and for GCSE English, we were given coursework options that were often either empathetic writing or analysis. I chose empathetic every time, writing from a character’s point of view, and in the end, I had to produce an additional piece as I wasn’t allowed to submit anything but creative work.

I also studied creative writing as an optional module at University, taught by Patricia Duncker, who went on, herself to win McKitterick Prize and the Dillions First Fiction Award for her novels.  I admit my writing was patchy and sporadic in the period between University and 2018. It’s only in the last two years that I have settled into it in a structured and disciplined way.

Tessa: I am someone who finds writing a flash fiction a challenge.  I believe you have mastered the art; as your self-published collections of short stories are a testament to. I believe that having the ability to write flash fiction helps a writer get to the heart of what they want to say. What first drew you into writing flash fiction?

Dreena: It actually started when I realised that my stories were often on the long side. I produced several stories and started looking to enter them in competitions or as submissions, and often they were over the specified word count. This gave me pause to reflect on whether my stories could be ‘tighter’, and I started to deliberately challenge myself to edit ruthlessly, and to be as concise as possible. Now I enjoy the challenge and have found that it makes me not only more precise in my writing, but actually more experimental.

Flash Fiction lends itself to breaking the rules, playing with form, tone and structure as its akin to poetry in some ways. Plus, you can’t be too formal or stick to the rules when you are slashing words here and there.

Tessa: Many of the stories that appear in your books have been both short and long-listed in competitions. How long did it take you to compile each collection of short stories?

Dreena: I don’t write every single day, though most days I do, and either way I do something towards my writing on a daily basis – planning, sorting out my files, editing, or social media updates. I do often write though, several times a week, and I can produce a short story every week to ten days, or one, two or even three flash fictions in a week. Not every piece is usable, of course.

For my first collection, The Blue Hour, it took me around eight months to have enough usable work, but by the time it was launched, I already had several stories for book two, as I had carried on writing during the whole (mind-boggling!) publication process. I was ready for book two after around four months but decided to wait. I have published around six months apart in each case.

Tessa:  I am thinking about self-publishing my first novel, and was wondering what, as a self-published author, you believe is the best way to market your books?

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Dreena: I am an absolute convert for social media. Before my writing journey, I had a Facebook profile that I used to keep in touch with friends and a defunct Twitter account I had never used. Now I am active on Twitter, have a Facebook Author Page and an Instagram account. I have found enormous support in the writing communities on Instagram and Twitter, and have had fabulous feedback and encouragement from many other ‘indie’ writers around the world that I have never met. Something I would have been cynical and suspicious of in the past, and you do have to be careful, but these days I try to share the support, and encourage others, too.  Conversely, face to face is impactful as well: I’ve had a book launch event, a book signing and given a talk and these have all led to contacts and sales.

I have also found that, in the main, people are inordinately supportive and helpful. I have reached out to people I have only interacted with online, or to long-lost friends, and they have all said yes when I have asked them to help as beta readers, or to write reviews, etc. I would say, use any contacts you have – however tenuous and don’t be too shy. Most people are nice and will help.

Tessa: I understand you are currently writing your first novel. As your writing has been described by an Amazon reviewer as ‘all human behaviour is here‘, I cannot wait to get to know your characters. Can you give us a flavour of what your book will be about?

Dreena: My novel is a mystery, bordering on a psychological thriller, from the point of view of a middle-aged woman, trying to unpick the circumstances of her grown daughter’s death, abroad. I feel there’s a lack of literature with female protagonists in their late forties, fifties, early sixties. We have seen lots of stories from the point of view of young women, and more recently, several elderly protagonists. It seems bizarre not to have more in between, given women of this age are often avid readers.  I’m also planning to build on my experience of writing flash by incorporating a series of short flashbacks, dotted throughout the book, from the point of view of the daughter, giving the reader glimpses of what (may have) happened.

Tessa: As we all appreciate, fitting in your writing around work and family is not always easy.  How many writing hours do you manage to squeeze into your week?

Dreena: It varies greatly depending on my schedule. On average, across the week, I probably write for about ten hours in total, but that excludes all the things I do outside of the formal process of writing up. It’s surprising how much admin there is to do and how much prep for social media. Social media, making images/ quotes using apps, posters, emailing people, researching competitions etc. is all very time consuming but, bizarrely, I enjoy all of that, too.

I plan a lot in my head before I put pen to paper – I plot ideas in the shower or the car, while making dinner etc. – and I will have a list of words or phrases on my phone that I can draw on once I start, as I am constantly noting down things I hear, or think of. I am not a detailed plotter in the strictest sense, as I don’t produce lots of mind maps and character sketches, but I generally know what I am going to say before I begin writing. That means I can get a piece done in a few hours, without much need for revision afterwards. I am unusual in that I edit as I go, and only really need one quick revision for line edits and typos the next day.

Sometimes I have those rare, precious moments were a flash fiction comes to me almost whole, and I will write it up on my phone in bed or during a break, and it will pour out of me and need very little editing. I am completely immersed then, and can’t type fast enough. Those moments are truly magical.

Keep up to date with Dreena’s writing via her Social Media platforms

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

AUTHOR INTERVIEW: Dreena Collins – Stories for the Modern World For the first Author Interview of 2020, it gives me great pleasure to introduce you to one of my fellow Jersey Writers Social Group members.

[afoolsingenuity]

Borrowed Books // Where I Realise I Need More Fantasy In My Life

Borrowed Books is a feature I started when I first began visiting the library again. I wanted to try and make sure I spoke about the books I borrowed and figured this was the feature to do it in. I normally review and say my thoughts on them. What makes it different from when I write my mini reviews in Bite Sized Books? Absolutely nothing, I just like to confuse folk. Anyway, these are the latest couple of books I’ve borrowed and loved because libraries are brilliant, you should go visit yours and see what you can find.

The Rook (The Checquy Files #1) – Daniel O’Malley

Published: 1st August 2013 Source: Library Genre: Urban Fantasy, Mystery My Rating:

The body you are wearing used to be mine.

So begins the letter Myfanwy Thomas is holding when she awakes in a London park surrounded by bodies all wearing latex gloves. With no recollection of who she is, Myfanwy must follow the instructions her former self left behind to discover her identity and track down the agents who want to destroy her.

She soon learns that she is a Rook, a high-ranking member of a secret organization called the Chequy that battles the many supernatural forces at work in Britain. She also discovers that she possesses a rare, potentially deadly supernatural ability of her own.

In her quest to uncover which member of the Chequy betrayed her and why, Myfanwy encounters a person with four bodies, an aristocratic woman who can enter her dreams, a secret training facility where children are transformed into deadly fighters, and a conspiracy more vast than she ever could have imagined.

Filled with characters both fascinating and fantastical, THE ROOK is a richly inventive, suspenseful, and often wry thriller that marks an ambitious debut from a promising young writer.

This was such a surprising read and I don't know what to say exactly to explain why. I’d had it on my radar for a little while and expected to enjoy it, but I wasn’t sure what to expect from it. I knew it was meant to be a Harry Potter spy top book but I was completely unprepared for what I got.

I couldn’t out this book down once I started. I was fully absorbed in the book and Myfanwy’s story as she tries to figure out who she was, who she is, and who on earth has it out for her. I loved the fact that there was a whole cast of characters and it was a complex world set in the modern day. I was continually trying to figure out who had wiped Myfanwy’s memory and who put her in her predicament. The fact I hadn’t a clue whodunnit until the end just demonstrates how well it was written. I suspected everyone!

I did have some gripes, I felt like the whole book was extra confusing and could have been made a touch clearer. But that may have been because I didn't figure things out until the end and once it got explained to me I felt like smacking my head and going 'duh'. The other thing is that Myfanwy should have figured out how to pronounce her name far sooner. Anyone that knows even a bit of Welsh names, as in able to correctly pronounce Welsh towns, would know how to say her name right. I wish that had been corrected immediately because I was saying it right in my mind but I knew that wasn’t how she was saying it. What a nightmare!

Apart from minor gripes I adored this book. I loved how intricate the world was and how it was written to be slightly hilarious and everything was a little weird and it totally worked for me. I loved the fact it kind of addressed the concept of nature vs nurture with the whole memory thing with the way Myfanwy’s personality changed completely with all her former memories removed she was a totally different person which leads you to question does that mean personality is formed by experience as much as being part of who you are? I just really liked what was done with this book. Now I need to try and get my library to get the second one.

The Coldest Girl in Coldtown – Holly Black

Published: 3rd September 2013

Source: Library

Genre: Urban Fantasy, Paranormal, Young Adult

My Rating:

Tana lives in a world where walled cities called Coldtowns exist. In them, quarantined monsters and humans mingle in a decadently bloody mix of predator and prey. The only problem is, once you pass through Coldtown's gates, you can never leave.

One morning, after a perfectly ordinary party, Tana wakes up surrounded by corpses. The only other survivors of this massacre are her exasperatingly endearing ex-boyfriend, infected and on the edge, and a mysterious boy burdened with a terrible secret. Shaken and determined, Tana enters a race against the clock to save the three of them the only way she knows how: by going straight to the wicked, opulent heart of Coldtown itself.

The Coldest Girl in Coldtown is a wholly original story of rage and revenge, of guilt and horror, and of love and loathing from bestselling and acclaimed author Holly Black.

This book has been on my radar for a very long time, essentially since I first began blogging. I was even more interested after reading The Darkest Part of the Forest because that book showed me she is a fantastic author yet still I didn’t pick this up. When I saw it at my local library I knew I had to commit and enjoy it. I realised it had been a good long while since I’d read any kind of vampire book so I knew this would feed my craving for the paranormal. I just wish I knew why I always wait to read books I know I’ll enjoy.

This book did an excellent job of being a love letter to the vampire genre without romanticising vampires too much. It was a sharp dose of reality about vampires a lot of the time and didn't fall into the Twilight trap. There were no sparkling vampires and gentle creatures feeding only on animals. All vampires were deadly, they were monsters and whilst folks romanticised them when they came face to face with them it was all very different. This is the book I'd want to give to teenage girls thinking of reading Twilight.

Tana has grown up in a world where vampires have become public knowledge. They accidentally revealed themselves and now the world must put up with them whilst trying to prevent the spread of the vampire infection. Coldtowns have emerged where vampires and those infected with vampirism are expected to seclude themselves and anyone is allowed to enter, but no one is allowed to leave. Tana ends up at a party where everyone is slaughtered by vampires and her, her ex boyfriend and a boy she has never met are forced to flee. She ends up going to a coldtown believing herself to be infected so it’s the only way to go

It is an excellent YA book but I'd expect no less from Holly Black. More importantly it's a good book outside of the YA genre. It hooked practically from the start and I was constantly thinking about reading. It reminded me that I don't read anywhere near enough vampire or paranormal books and that it's not hard to make me fall in love with secondary characters.

Have you read either of these? What did you think? I read two fantasy books from the library. What was the last book you borrowed?

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[gnawingonthebishops]

A long time coming

So I have this journal that started as a little notebook to make notes about a story I was writing, but at the time I had a guy friend with some issues who I was trying to figure out, and one night I started “practicing” talking to him by writing down some words. From there, it quickly turned into a prayer journal, where I literally just talked to God. 

Well, after three years, I finally finished it. I filled it completely. About half of it covers probably the span of two years and the other half covers from September 2016 to tonight, February 10, 2017. 

So upon filling the last page, I started wandering through the pages to see when I most recently started using it consistently, and I of course read through words from two years ago when I was 16 and everything had just started feeling like it was all falling apart.  

 - My dad had brain surgery and was mentally reverted to the state of a young child, which seemed very much like a sick joke played on my family by the universe, because before, he was about the most quiet, somber person I’d ever met. So of course this meant he couldn’t return to work.

- After being homeschooled my whole life, my mom had to start working full time. And my dad, who had worked full time my whole life, who I hardly ever saw because he was either working or resting, now lived at home all day and was 1) extremely bored and 2) extremely obnoxious. For all intents and purposes, he was now a little brother. And for all intents and purposes, I was now a full-time babysitter. 

I can’t explain to you how much I struggled with this. So I won’t try, because that would take a really long time and I doubt anyone reading this wants to suffer through a novel of text about someone else’s life. 

- My mom decided that the only way to get out of the massive debts we owed on various things, was to sell the house. I’d been in that house since I was 5, and I was 16 at the time and terrified of change. 

So after these three major factors in my life at the time, you can probably imagine how important it was to me to have friends to hang out with for a day, and to rely heavily on emotionally. My best friend at the time, and still to this day, I had met four years before and she was the wisest person I knew well enough to talk about stuff with. 

But of course, she’s human and there were times that she couldn’t be there for me when I needed her. It stung, you know? My other two closest friends kind of stopped being what I needed them to be, my mom worked all day, my dad was no longer capable of acting like an adult. My older brother still lived at home and I don’t know if I was fully aware of it at the time, but I desperately wanted him to take care of me. I desperately wanted someone to be the adult, to be the parent, but he didn’t, and he wasn’t, and neither was my best friend. 

I felt so alone. 

An excerpt from when I was 16:

“I just really want someone to count on, y’know?”

Honestly, it sounds really self-pitying, but that summarizes the past four years pretty well. 

As of lately, my prayers have been eerily similar to what they were in the thick of that. 

It’s weird, because so much has changed, and I know that I’ve grown so, so much as a person, mentally, spiritually. And yet it boils down to the same 8 words that it did two years ago when I was 16, and even before that: “I just really want someone to count on.”

An excerpt from a few months ago:

“I just really feel like I need someone to be my family.”

Something that’s slowly been occurring to me over the past few years that finally hit me in September is that for some reason, for some dang deep-seated reason, I’ve found that I look for any way to attach myself emotionally to men that I find to be good people to look up to. 

To name a few:

My old Sunday School teacher

Tyler Joseph, singer and writer for Twenty One Pilots

Most recently, my old Youth pastor

And guess what? They’re human. Guess what that means? They’ve let me down. 

A revelation from a few months ago: the fact that my dad never spent time with me or my brother when we were kids has deeply affected me, and I never would have realized if he hadn’t suffered brain damage. Somehow, not being interacted with or shown love by my father when I was younger had trained my psyche to reach for any man who I believed I could learn a lot from. 

My old Sunday school teacher, I desperately wanted to look at me as a daughter, and he didn’t. 

Tyler, obviously, can’t interact with everyone individually. It’s really unlikely that I’ll ever be able to have a personal conversation with him.

My youth pastor- okay here’s a little bit of a story. We had just moved- finally. We just started attending a new church. I was just getting involved in the youth group. I hadn’t really connected with God in a while, if ever. I was still recovering from a period in which I was questioning my beliefs. I was frustrated at how most churches don’t do enough to teach teenagers with depth and with conviction. And then after about a month of attending this church, I finally started to feel. I finally started to recognize my problems, and try to deal with them in a godly manner. I can’t explain to you how important this was. I was finally ready to start letting go of some bitterness I’d been holding for two years. And I chalked it up to this youth pastor’s teaching and his heart that wanted to serve God and help others. And then, right as I’m settling into the mentality of this youth pastor becoming a surrogate father figure, I learn that he and his family are leaving the church for complicated reasons. It seemed like yet again, the rug was being ripped out from under me. And then I wondered why it was that I felt like the rug was “yet again” getting ripped out from under me, and I thought about it.

My mom having to start working.

My dad’s mind and personality being contorted into a complete 180.

My older brother subtly (and not so subtly) refusing to be the rock I needed him to be. 

Two out of three of my closest friends letting me down on a spiritual level.

A person I had met and had really hoped we could be friends ended up being the wrong sort of person for me to be around.

My new youth pastor at a new church after having just moved, as soon as I think maybe I like being under his teaching, is leaving.

But as I talked to my youth pastor about it, he told me that no human would ever be able to be enough. Humans will always let you down, because we’re all messed up. He said he would fail, and has failed, and I would always be disappointed by whomever my sights were set on, because humans fail. 

I’m struggling, guys. I am. But after I talked to my youth pastor, I started understanding something that just became more clear as I read that excerpt from my journal tonight. 

Here’s the point I’m getting around to:

God has been trying to get my attention for four years. God has been trying, and trying, and trying to tell me that if my sights are set on a man, I’m going to always be trying to pick myself up off the ground after having the rug ripped out from under me. God has been trying to get me to understand that only He. Only the Lord of the universe can ever be what I need. 

No teacher, no pastor, no parent, no friend, no love interest can ever be what I need. 

It’s weird how stuff like this can be so obvious to you even before you really get it. I don’t think I could really give any advice to my younger self, because I knew. I just didn’t..... understand?

And I know this conclusion is probably really anticlimactic, but I’m just in awe, honestly, that... I don’t know, that He’s been there the whole time trying to get me to rely on Him, instead of people. And I’m in awe that I couldn’t see it. I’m in awe that my spiritual life and personal growth took such a dramatic turn after one singular conversation with a youth pastor I’d only known for two months at the most. I must’ve been ready to receive what he had to say. And the only way I could’ve been that ready for what he had to say, is for me to have had the rug ripped out from under me as many times and in as many different ways as I did. 

I don’t have it all figured out by any means, but... It feels significant for me to finally be able to make sense of so many things in my life that felt unfair. There are still things I’m wondering how God is going to use, and how He could possibly make into a good thing, but I trust Him now, and that’s far more than I can say for my 14-, 16-, and even 17-and-a-half-year-old self. So much has happened internally with me in the past 5 months, it’s actually crazy.

Praise God for the progress I’ve made.

Thank You, God.

I pray that someone who reads this can learn from this epiphany I felt like I should share.