#i’ve gotten pretty good at body neutrality but it helped SO much seeing people w shapes like mine

[jinxviolets]

seeing people i looked up to for looking like me losing weight one after the other is not doing a lot for my body confidence. obviously to each their own and everyone’s journey is different, but i was embracing myself bc of the incredibly successful and gorgeous examples i had to compare myself to, especially as i have gained weight in the last few years

[ringmyheart]

hey, i was wondering if i could hv headcanons with how to fight characters? maybe when their crush's parents scold them for getting bad score at school, like that time at the end of the semester. pls do it with seong taehoon and jiyeon woo. thank you! ��

SEONG TAEHOON

The first thing he’s gonna do honestly is tell u to fight ur parents. U tell him about how u got a bad score and how it’s the end of the semester and the test/ur overall grade was important and he’s so used to living life the way HE wants he tells u to just. Fight them

And you’re first thought 2 say is idk how to fight? Bc what he said is just so sudden and kinda preposterous and ur upset and he’s like okay, I’ll teach u then and ur like I’m not fighting my parents 😭 and he goes okay then I’LL do it

And u have to rlly reiterate like” NOBODY is fighting my parents” first and foremost and after that he kind of just goes silent because he has no idea how to help you or what to do and u have knocked every idea he’s offered out of the park

Truthfully I don’t think he cares about grades too much for himself and this extends to you too. He doesn’t get why you’re so concerned, and his dad (I’m pretty sure form what we’ve seen so far) is really nice and laidback so it’s not like he’s ever being reprimanded so he’s also partfully angry at your parents bc they made u upset

Like rlly angry LMAO and as ur ranting to him ab how they yelled at u for bad grades he’s just like one day… one day he’s gna fight them 😐 he doesn’t make exceptions. He might tell u to tell them to watch out LMAO but he says it so dead seriously and u laugh but wonder if he’s even joking ?

He’s like okay well have u considered: running away

And u quickly dismiss that idea too bc u have nowhere to go and it’s literally just them scolding u ur like it’s not THAT srs... I’m just upset and he’s like u have a place to sta... nvm he’s not gonna b sweet if it’s not like absolutely necessary LOL

Bc of his lack of understanding or just overall interest in this kind of stuff, he just listens to u bc his advice clearly wasn’t cutting it for u.

He asks to see the grade and u hand him the test or the grade folder and it if ur grades weren’t even that bad, he’s gonna get frustrated w you and be like u have gotta b kidding me this is what ur stressed about 😐 what ur parents yelled at u for?? And he smacks u on the side of ur head and is like please tell me ur joking these are good. Anything above a C in his eyes is still really good

If ur grades were a D, he’s like neutral like okay yeah it was kinda bad but not the worst, don’t stress about it I’ve gotten tons of D’s.

And if it was an F he’s like oh okay yeah it was pretty bad like I get it. But this would just make things worse and ur like ur right I did so baaad and he’s like nonono oh no it’s not like that and he like stiffens and goes quiet when u get misty eyed I guess and wonders once again why this is so serious to you?? Who cares about grades?

He probably gets mad ur letting other ppl control ur life. We’ve seen that he hates other ppl living their lives for others or by others rules and he’s kinda frustrated at you and wishes he could just take over u for a day or something and tell ur parents off and ur talking about it and he’s narrowing his eyes at you but ur clearly upset so he’s not gonna yell at u rn. When u feel better ab this he probably will tell you to stop living by others standards but for now he’s kinda lost

He tries to convince u to rise up against ur parents and is like “are u gonna keep letting people in ur life control u?!” And it’s like a motivational pep talk and ur like “no!” And he’s like “are you gonna let THEM yell at you and hurt YOUR feelings?! Cause I sure as hell am not!” And ur getting more energetic and r like “me neither!” And he’s like “are you gonna let ur own PARENTS talk to YOU like that?!” And u go “no!!” Nd he’s like “we r sick of it!!” And u go “ya we r 😭” and then he thinks ur on board so he’s like good!! Let’s go beat ur parents

And ur like “what” and he realizes u weren’t on the same page the entire time so he eventually bedgrudginly will lie that idea go

And he tells you this, like he says it won’t matter in seven years, right?? So why does it matter? Pls cheer up and be doesnt outright say this but he’s like “don’t worry ur pretty little head about it” or something to cheer u up

If it works and he successfully consoles u he is rlly happy and doesn’t show it but he’ll shove his hands in his pockets and go “see?? I told you. I’m good at this advice thing.”

If it doesn’t, he’ll try to take ur mind off it and he probably just shows u his spinning back kick or something LMAO or take u to the dojo so u can either do stuff w him or just watch

But if u tell him what ur upset about isn’t grades but ur parents, he’ll listen to u tell him what they told u if it was mean or strict and if it’s rlly bad his eyes will go bloodshot and he’ll roll up his sleeves and be like okay let me at them then

Literally don’t even JOKE ab him beating up ur parents he will do it 😭😭 and worse thing is he’ll WIN. Don’t even be like “yeah I wish u would beat them up for me” bc he doesn’t draw the line between u joking and him actually doing it probably. Even if he knows ur joking, which he will bc he’s not dense he’ll use it against u and be like u have me permission and suddenly ur the instigator

He listens to u rant about them if u just want a listener and he can probably tell by ur body language… like If ur clearly wanting advice, he’ll offer u the best he can and will tell you to stick up for yourself or, if you’re really upset he’ll even consider talking to them for u. No fists to his chagrin but he’ll advocate for u and he won’t plan beforehand at all he’ll just say “I think u need 2 be nicer to ur child.” And will be like “this shit doesn’t even matter anyways” and will rip the test paper in front of them so this option is obviously not even a choice for you

If u start to cry he’ll first awkwardly do that thing that people do when they don’t know how to console someone and rub your arm and he’s like “Uhh, do u want water?” Bc he’s sad bc UR sad and doesn’t know what to do and it’s like what he’s doing isn’t that helpful but the tone in his voice is v consoling and comforting bc he’s suddenly kinda quiet 4 once

If ur sobbing he’ll hold u and u cry into his shirt and later he’ll talk about how you got it all wet but like when he goes home in the mirror and sees the tear stains it reminds him ur hurt and breaks his heart

He will study with you. And by studying it’s just him like sitting with you while you study. He doesn’t think you should study but if that’s how you want to solve this and feel better he’s down. He won’t read anything but if u have flash cards he will read them back to you and ask u questions and he doesn’t know the right answer himself (unless it’s math he’s probably rlly rlly good at math.) so u have to write them on the back. But he’s pretty good at helping u study

And if ur doing flash cards, he won’t tell u the answer until u guess it and he’s good at hinting to it and he gets annoyed VERY easily when ur not saying the answer u wrote on the back but bites it down

If ur parents make u stay home more and study as like a consequence of gettig a bad grade, he won’t have any of it

He will either confront ur parents and that either makes things somewhat better or incredibly worse

So if that’s what happens he’ll text u a lot and face time u in secret and call u a lot so even tho ur not together, every time u come home from school and open a book ur phone is hidden in the bend of it and ur fting and sometimes u don’t even talk he’s just FaceTiming u so u won’t b alone while u study and bc he misses u

Overall, he really couldn’t give a shit about grades but if need be, he’ll help u with urs, he’d be the best math tutor if ur looking, if ur parents lock u up a lot to study more bc they’re mad he will use any other option to see u, and he’ll try his best to console u despite not being that knowledgeable or understanding why you’re upset. His go to comfort option is distraction, but if it’s futile he’ll do whatever it is u wanna do. If u thank him for helping u he’ll kick something and will b like “yeah whatever I was just sick of u moping around.”

JIYEON WOO

He understands what’s going on with you all too well. When you tell him ur parents scolded u bc u didn’t do so hot in a test or ur overall grades this semester, it’s like his heart is a weight that drops into his stomach and ties his intestine into a huge knot. Like he feels the dread set in

He’s takes a muuuuchhhh more calm approach than Taehoon tbh, like while ur talking he won’t say a word and will listen. He is SUCHHH a good listener and especially now he’s just staring at you and nodding his head to let you know he’s listening to make sure u know that like he is there and present and if ur sad he’s sad too like u guys r a “team”

While ur venting, if u begin to cry he’ll let u and he’s more of a “rub-ur-back-soothingly” type of consoler so he’ll do that and if u half hug him he’ll continue do it but he’s looking at u w the saddest eyes in the world ☹️

Doesn’t rlly know what to do at first besides listen and b nice

He might even get misty eyed with u too bc he understands so much. But he won’t bring up his home situation at ALL, it’s like ur stage and he’s just a listener, he won’t make u feel like he’s comparing ur pain

His fist clenched at his side because he’s angry at your parents AND his and he’s imagining what ur parents said in his mind and even if it wasn’t that bad, he’s fuming

He might even offer to run away w u too and he “knows a place” 😭and ur like omg it’s not that bad but after reminiscing on his own home life he just assumes you’re as sick of it as him

If you’re his s/o, you obviously know about his YouTube streams, so that week at the end of every stream he’ll take a risk and unmute it and go “and don’t worry about grades too much, guys :)” and ur “guys”

Either that or he’ll do something so he will stop streaming completely for that week bc it might make u feel like he’s rubbing it in ur face how much he studies nd how studious he is and yes it gets him in trouble w his dad but when u start to feel better ab ur grades and u smile and he’s like “I thought u were upset?” And u say “oh, yeah… I’m feeling better now :)” it’s all worth it

Since he’s so consumed w streaming if u weren’t able to ever meet in person, and u had to FaceTime or text him, he probably spams u and u guys have to text at like 3am bc he’s studying all other hours of the day so he’s under his covers and reading or calling u

Like it goes

‘My parents got mad at me bc I got bad grades :(((‘ and then he sees the text he reads it and then again and is like oh no bc is it like his situation???

And then u go get a snack or something and go MIA during texting but he doesn’t know that so he spams u bc he thinks that maybe ur parents took ur phone and r locking u up like his did him so he’s like

‘Are you okay?’

‘Hello…?’

‘Where did you go? :(‘

‘Are you okay?’

‘Please be okay…’

‘(Y/n)?’

And if he suspects ur parents took ur phone and r gonna read this he sends things a very lengthy and persuasive text that explains why this is cruel and unusual and to PLS give u ur phone back and then it says seen and ur like it’s still me :)) I’m okay but thx for worrying 😭❤️

And he’s like ‘thank god…’

Since he’s a part of that newtube company (XY or something? I forgot HAHA), he has connections honestly??? So if you’re that torn over this grade he might try and pull some strings to improve your grade, make classes easier or to reach your parents even. Like he affects his parents’ boss which then butterfly effects to you

Assures you that grades aren’t that important, or tries to, but it’s so horrible coming from him because he has such good grades and it always is gonna feel like he’s just saying that no matter what

If he could he’d fail a test too to make u feel better and like ur in it together but his dad would MURDER him. So he just tries to tell u it’s okay and graders aren’t that bad

If ur mostly upset over the bad grade, he’s like it’s fine, and even if it’s a grade he genuinely considers bad he’ll look at it like “...” before going this is fine too!! :) and in his mind he’s like if I got this my dad would kill me but would NOT tell you that EVERRR. He’s gonna do anything to preserve ur feeling rn and the next few weeks he’s especially nice to u

Will study with you to make you feel better but it’s hard because he’s really far ahead tbh :(( like he explains assuming u already have some ground knowledge. BUT he’s really good at being patient so if ur like I don’t understand and get frustrated he’s like “oh I’m sorry!!! Here, I’ll go over it again.”

U guys start spending time at the library and when his dad questions him he’s like I’m studying and he really is and it’s like a study date and it actually ends up being RLLY fun

Might even print u worksheets and stuff and leaves nice notes on them when he gives them to u like every chapter has another ‘u can do it’ of ‘ur already here?! Omg! Ur far ahead keep going!’ And lots of smiley faces and hearts in the margins

He is not above helping u cheat. He will give u answers in school, risking being caught nd getting in trouble, like he’ll find a way to sit as close to u as possible in class and “drop” his pen besides u that just happens to have a paper inside with all of the answers!!!!

And when you see it you’re so happy and you look at him and wink trying it be inconspicuous and it’s so obvious and he’s like omg (y/n) pls… but he’s happy ur happy and ur grades improve so much bc he gets every answer right and so of course you are getting them right too

But u both plan on u getting a few wrong to avoid suspicion and he’s so happy when ur happy bc ur grades improve so he’ll start sending u the HW, too

Will send u just study notes if u don’t want to cheat and they r so good and he’ll also send u his flash cards and everything and lend u notes from the past

He knows ur YouTube username so if u start to study a lot more bc of ur parents’ scolding and watch his streams to “study” w him despite the million viewers it’s like it’s just u nd him and when u comment like “here bc my parents yelled @ me and now im trying to improve my grades” he is simultaneously v happy ur there but also heart broken

If it’s mainly ur parents scolding u ur upset about, he’ll listen to u talk about it for hours on end over text, FaceTime, call, etc.

Makes a joke ab sending ur parents to the nursing home he volunteers at to cheer u up 😭😭 it either makes u son harder or laugh

Overall, he cares LOTS about grades, but his not urs. And if ur worried ab getting a job he’s like dw I’ll cover u in the future :)) and he’s very understanding bc he’s in a very similar situation and hates seeing u suffer like that or go thru that even if it’s genuinely not that bad. If u cry his works just SHATTERS and he’ll listen to u rant and cry for hours on end. And if ur grades were actually considerably bad, he won’t tell u that, and he’ll help u improve them bc THATS his solution to it and he’s good at helping u study. If ur not up to it he will help u cheat despite the danger of getting caught, so he can see u happy again :(( he’s rlly so sad ur going thru the same thing as him and will do anything to make it better. Won’t offer to fight ur parents but if need be he might rough one of them up if things escalate to really like mentally abusive-like proportions. But if it wasn’t that bad, he’ll just console u and help u to feel better no matter what !!

(Unedited)

I hope this came out well!! I’m so happy I’m getting how to fight requests tysm for that, <3 also it ended up kinda long and I lost my train of thought a few times but this felt like an emergency request and when I read those I like when they’re rlly long bc it distracts and comforts me. If it was one I hope ur okay and know u r more than ur grades!!!! ❤️❤️ ty for ur request :))

[road2nf]

Things are still hard but I am much better now.

(This one is very good but very real and intense, so forewarned: CW: mentions of harmful and suicidal thoughts, abuse, death, hurting others, bullying. alternate desired realities) 

________________________________________________________

I’ve had a pretty shitty life. And I don’t just mean ‘I don’t get picked for stuff ’ and ‘my parents didn’t buy me that game’, I mean fucked up stuff that should never happen to a kid.

I grew up. I was treated poorly, by everyone. There was different levels to how badly I was treated. Some people were just mean to me because I seemed indifferent. Some people disliked me because I was incapable of asking for help (and I still have trouble doing this, mainly because no help was given to me when I called for aid as a child, and it ingrained in me that asking for help is useless since no one is going to help. The same thing with crying).

I lived through this. For years.

I am still in a bad place, but now I am strong and hard and I have some confidence. But...I had given up trying. I had given up trying back when I was in year 5 and the thing happened. I had given up then. The spark wasn’t there.

I wasn’t suicidal though. I love me. I am nihilist, and I do not believe this is all real, but I believe in the high possibility of this being an experience my real me is experiencing. I know that sounds confusing, but bear with me.

I...don’t want to stop existing here. I have no way of knowing the other existence isn’t worse. It could be better. There might be a ridiculous cloud city with everything I need. There might be a place where people are educated in not being dicks. I dunno, I could stop existing here and start existing as my Nation State’s leader figure. I could wake up and this was all testing done on some lab. I could die and be stuck as a ghost here (I’d like that very much actually. At least I am sure of what is here). Well, my point is, I love things here. Things that are not society. Things that are great. 

The feeling of sharing laughter with a human who is not a threat and who won’t harm you. The feeling you feel when you yawn in the morning after you’ve finally charged up the courage to jumpstart your body into action.

The way icy cold water down your throat feels like pure bliss on a thirsty day.

The way birds do the thing where they just go along their business, Jumping back and forth rather than taking steps.

The way dogs encircle their sleeping spots.

The way the laughter of a fierce rogue in a movie makes everyone crack a smile.

The way it feels to touch a beautiful instrument.

The way you feel when you see someone you are fond of manage to do something that makes them happy.

The way the ground sounds when you are not in a hurry.

The way the wind blows a nice breeze on a sunny day.

The way your heart races when lightning suddenly illuminates all the darkness.

The way you can get into an argument with any animal based solely on making noises at them and them responding with a noise and you doing it again.

The way your own eyes look when you are happy and you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and you can’t help but smile at how beautiful you are in that second.

The way that a new pen starts working smoothly, with grace, when you buy it.

The way everyone tries to lick thiir elbows once they find out they can’t.

The way it feels to bite into plain toast when you are hungry but not for flavor, but for crunch. 

The way music-box music can make you dazed and exist only to experience the music at that moment. 

The way it feels when the first drops come after a drought.

The way looking at the ocean feels like.

The way it feels when you can hear the ocean before being able to see it.

Those are all beautiful things. I knew they were. But I also knew society was hazardous. I knew my domestic life was hazardous. I knew people who proclaimed to be adults defined adults as ‘people who rules over those who are not adults’, rather than what they should be, protectors of the young and the old. I knew the system was so corrupt I could not seek revenge or justice if anything bad happened to me. I didn’t think people with ‘normal’ lives could understand how hard it was to be fucked up. I didn’t believe it was possible.

Then I found John Green.

The way he talked...it was enthusiasm, not unlike that of an innocent child, but relaxed...it was the sort of thing I wish I could achieve.

When I was a kid, a few times I felt that typical kid enthusiasm. I would stumble over my words, I would feel like bouncing up and down. I felt like everyone should listen and that I couldn’t get the words out and that telepathy should be real so I could explain myself. I wished I could keep that feeling, I wish that life hadn’t killed that feeling out of me. I wished I could have grown as an adolescent with that feeling. I wish I had been an active teen. The feeling rekindled about...I don’t know. Not that long ago. I know that when I was 15 I felt horrible, terrible.

I held on. I loved me. I was the only one that loved me for me without asking questions and without expecting anything.

I held on, I droned on. I could have given up. I could have refused to move. I could have stayed in bed and tried to sleep everything away (and I wanted to, I wanted to so badly...).

Little things kept me from doing that. Things like being able to experience another life, no matter how fake, on a game console. The way I could create an alternate me, who wasn’t stuck in this life, a me that could be free and could start recuperating from this life.

I’m glad I survived. I’m not saying John’s videos saved me, I’m just saying there were one of the many very important things I stumbled across to come to the brilliant realization that it is possible to overcome the bullshit.

The way John calmly, though excitedly, answered questions and made comments and tried to see different sides of things...it was...it was amazing to see. Everywhere I had looked everything was anger and sadness. I felt angry all the time. I felt sad all the time. I felt like killing people. I got so frustrated I wanted to end them. I didn’t plan out killing them or anything, its just...I knew I wasn’t going to let myself die. I had overcome things. I wasn’t going to give up. And I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me. I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. And I was willing to end people for it. I held on. I let my frustration seep through the games I played. I vented through them. I vented through art. I vented through reading. I never broke anything or got into fights, but I loathed people. I loathed society. All societies.

But I got to this point where...where things like GISHWES were a thing. Where I found people willing to help. And they didn’t need to help me, just help in general. They existed there, on the other side of the internet, and they were doing things because...there was no because. You don’t need a reason to help people.

I’m not saying I’m not sad now or that I don’t hate things...but I do have happiness. I have neutrality. I can be calm. I can make friends. I can be distant but still close.

When I had finally gotten to that stage...when I started watching the vlog thing...man, Hank and John are just amazing. They were like friends who didn’t expect anything from us or each other. They made their lives public...and it turned out okay.

And I know this is weird, but I love the SciShow Hank does. I love learning things. I haven’t felt such passion for learning since I found out what dinosaurs were as a kid!

It’s beautiful. Life is. And society one day can be too. But...at least there are some little pieces of society that are okay.

So...I guess I love you guys.

Nerdfighters made this big. I...I can’t thank you enough, ok?

I felt so horrible all the time and now I just...I love things now.

Things are still hard but I am much better now.

I just love you guys, all the thousand and millions of yous.

- Anonymous

[cosmostasia]

Cosmostasia’s Story

So as I mentioned in my first post, Cosmostasia is the character that I played in a long-form Dungeons & Dragons campaign with some of my best friends in high school. Obviously we were all getting ready to graduate, go off to college, etc., so we decided that once we completed our last campaign objective, we would find a way to tie up the story. It was a kind of bitter-sweet realization, but we made a lot of amazing memories along the way!

I joined the game during my junior year in high school, probably a few weeks after the game itself was started. My then-friend (now girlfriend) was in the game and had invited me. This was my first game ever, and honestly, I’ve never had so much fun with D&D! Our DM was an expert in just about everything, ran the game smoothly, answered just about every question... He’s a great DM, but I’m sad to say that since graduation he’s had almost no time to run another game.

But that’s all reminiscence about better days, not the story!

My character - at the time, named Anastasia - was a shapeshifter wizard. Most of her studies involved mapping the cosmos, reading star charts, and understanding the movements of the celestial bodies. I’ve always loved space, so it felt right making a wizard who was also an astronomer!

As the campaign went on, my girlfriend’s character (a tiefling bard name Tarx) basically became Anastasia’s love interest. Yes, there was romantic and intimate involvement, but we never really went into that kind of detail at the table - it was more heavily implied, “fade to black” than anything. Of course, that never stopped my mind from racing and thinking about how our characters did things... Normally, Anastasia had a relatively small bust, but Tarx was pretty open with his preference. Anastasia, of course, is a shapeshifter.

You get the idea there.

Moving on though, we went on to deal with a lot of problems throughout the world, from roving bandits and raiding orc factions, to entire armies of undead being raised and controlled by an ultra-powerful lich named Victus. Victus would become a recurring villain for us since whenever we killed him, his soul just returned to his phylactery and he would reincarnate at an unknown location in the world.

Our final campaign arc involved the Queen of Sarpathion, Queen Anisterian von Draxxis. A few of our questlines had involved going and saving some of the princes and princesses of the von Draxxis royalty - apparently they had been kidnapped at different points and no one was able to find them. Or at least, no one was brave (or stupid) enough to challenge the people that did it. From bandit chiefs to full-blown warlords and archmagi, one of whom turned out to be an ancient black dragon (imagine fighting THAT at level 10!!). Well, we managed to round the three of them up and bring them home to safety.

W R O N G .

Turns out what we had actually done was deliver Queen Anisterian the three children she had borne specifically for a blood sacrifice. For context, the von Draxxis line were all tieflings - part of the only reason Tarx cared at all about them was because they were like him, and he’d been treated poorly in other kingdoms.

Apparently Queen Anisterian was waiting until just the right moment when a solar eclipse would coincide with a planetary alignment (which my character knew about btw! We had been talking about this for months in advance!). During that brief moment, the time would be right for her to sacrifice her offspring and drink their blood, turning her into a matron vampire.

What she hadn’t been counting on was that our party in had become good friends with Dimerius, Alistarge, and Valliana von Draxxis. Lots of fun adventures and hard-fought victories were won by their sides. As such, if she was going to hurt them, she’d be answering to us. She also didn’t know that this ritual (which was apparently copied from the Book of Vile Darkness) would also cause untold instability in the Weave around the ritual site. Basically, you use magic within a mile of this place, and reality has a pretty solid chance of just unraveling itself. Fun, right? We got to learn this because one of our characters was a less-than-good-and-not-in-a-neutral-way vengeance paladin, and he’d managed to catch a glimpse of the Book of Vile Darkness the last time we’d dealt with Victus. It was that moment when we realized something was up (you know, a section that explicitly states “the blood of three of the mother’s offspring” seems a little obvious). That’s when we started making our way to Castle Draxxis with some help. 

This was around the time we were going to be concluding our campaign; we were all level 16 and were very capable of taking on such a threat. We’d worked with a lot of people and by that point, we were able to convince enough allies to band together and lead an invasion on Castle Draxxis. Of course, every time we had been there since the first time, the castle always felt slightly more... Off. And Queen Anisterian herself was sickly and unwell. She’d even made the comment at one point that her reign would soon be at its end, and then the kingdom must answer to her eldest son.

As we led the invasion, her armies fought as we suspected they would, up until the gargoyles adorning the buttresses and spires of the castle began to crackle and move. They came alive and made it impossible for us to march on Castle Draxxis.

The NPC that we’d appointed the sort of de facto general (Petram, a retired general for the army of one of the human kingdoms) told us to try and find a way in ourselves, and they would keep the bulk of the Queen’s forces distracted.

We make our way over the outer wall, fight off the gargoyles that noticed us get in, and made our way to a secret passage that Valliana had shown us. The Queen apparently hadn’t posted any guards at the passage, and we were able to make our way to the throne room with only a few brief encounters with royal guards.

By the time we had gotten there, the sun had been eclipsed by the moon and we could already hear the screaming. We opened the door as she was taking the last gulps of Valliana’s blood - the brothers already lay dead at the foot of the throne.

She underwent a violent transformation, and immediately forced half of the party to kneel before her (she charmed them and gave the command to kneel). Our cleric, Volmund the dwarf, was kept busy running around the room un-charming everyone, and Tarx did his best to help with his countercharm, but... her save DC was really high and we were not rolling well.

In the end, we had all been charmed and forced to kneel before her. She had been casting spells left and right, I had been casting spells, and because of the instability, we were beginning to notice reality shift and obscure. Of course, as we’re all powerless and unable to do anything, she began channeling a spell that was pretty much either going to kill everyone in the room except her, or tear through the fabric of reality. On the bright side, we all got to roll another save before her next turn, and then we’d be able to do something!

Except that we all failed. You know how people are usually like “Ugh I don’t want another elf in my party”? Make sure at least one of you plays a damn elf.

It got to my turn (right before hers) and I made my roll. Of course, I also failed. I then asked my DM if being charmed and forced to kneel also meant that I was unable to speak. He gave me a look, thought about it, and gave a smirk. “Sure, you guys are able to speak while you’re charmed - she didn’t say “Kneel and be silent,” so I’ll allow it.”

When we last defeated Victus, the one item that we were able to loot from him was this beautifully crafted ring. Everyone in the party already had a ring of some kind, so Tarx gave it to me as a sort of promise ring. However, our DM said that as I put it on, I felt this overwhelming magical energy flow through me (being that I was the only real magic-user in the party, Anastasia was sensitive to these things). I spent some time identifying the ring and learned that it was an innert Ring of Wishes! Of course, no charges on it so it was really just a fancy ring at that point. Everyone else had already forgotten about it, but I was texting the DM under the table and asking questions about the implications of having the ring near such a huge source of power/disruption. He said that it might (on a very, very lucky percentile roll) restore one of the charges to the ring.

I whispered into the ring, and said “If you can hear me... I wish for a way to survive long enough to fix everything Queen Anisterian has done.”

The DM raised his eyebrows, and rolled a percentile.

He laughed.

Hysterically.

Once he composed himself again, he said “Your wish... Has been granted.”

Everyone else at the table was just so confused and excited and panicked all of the sudden, and then, since Queen Anisterian had completed her round of channeling uninterrupted, was able to basically cast a spell that would drain all of our life forces until fell over as dried, dusty husks.

Before casting, the DM rolled a percentile (as he had been doing any time magic was used during the fight).

He laughed again.

“You all feel this horrible sensation as your blood, your life force, your very souls, are drained from your body. The pain is absolutely agonizing, and lasts for what feels like eternity in that instant. And then, as Queen Anisterian is laughing maniacally and relishing her new power, her hand suddenly flashes with a blinding light.”

He then turns to me specifically.

DM: “When you wake up, you don’t know where you are. As far as you can see all around you are nothing but distant stars and nebulae.”

Me: “Wait... What happened to everyone?”

DM: “The entire world blinked out of existence. You, however, have been granted immortality - and immunity - by your wish. You’re out in open space, but the lack of oxygen, the temperature... It doesn’t bother you, you actually feel fine.”

Basically, our DM had intended that a roll of 10 or lower on a percentile would cause reality to collapse on itself, but only enough to affect our world to different extents. Rolling a 10, for example, meant Castle Draxxis would blink out of existence.

He rolled a 1.

When he rolled for my ring, he rolled a 100.

We all kind of sat there basking in the sheer improbability of rolling a 100 and then a 1 right after (I think it’s a 1/10,000 chance? I’m an artist who likes space, not a mathematician). Then as the realization of what had happened settled into us, I had so many questions that I barely knew where to start. “Am I near where the planet was? Was I shot away from the blinkpoint, or was I teleported somewhere?”

He told us that I had basically been knocked out cold by the sudden magical reverberation (again, magic-sensitive) and fell adrift into space. Anastasia was able to identify where some of the planets were - the moon was not caught in the blast, but there was a massive chuck taken out of the side where the blinkpoint hit it and it was just floating adrift around the sun. From that, we were able to determine how long it had been (”Can I please roll an Intelligence check to figure out how long it’s been since the planets were aligned?” “Hm... Actually no, you just know how long it’s been based on their positions.”). Figured out that I’d been out cold for a week.

Anastasia panicked at first, frantically trying to get the ring to work again - but you know, it only regained the one charge. It’s innert. She cried for her friends and for everyone on her world. She cried for hours, knowing that she could have made a better wish. Knowing that her self preservation came at the cost of literally everything.

Then, out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a glimmer. At first she thought it was a star, but realized it wasn’t one she recognized. She cast Fly on herself (can’t exactly swim through space) and made her way over, and as she approached, she found what looked to be some sort of crack in reality.

It didn’t take long for everyone to realize that this was the blinkpoint, and even looking at it made her feel like she was being electrocuted with magical energy. She decided that, being immortal, maybe touching it might do something? Who knows at this point, right? Even if it killed her or unmade her altogether, at least she wouldn’t be immortal and stuck with the guilt for the rest of eternity.

She reached out, and her hand connected with the fissure... And it pulled her in. She couldn’t see anything around her, being locked in an inescapable abyss. But that painful sensation that came from the blinkpoint had... faded. It was a dull hum in her mind now. She had the idea to cast Detect Magic, and the DM described the scene.

“You cast Detect Magic, and as you do, your eyes adjust to the scene around you, where you see all around you this intricate, perfectly woven latticework of microscopic threads. They cross in every conceivable direction, glowing in an impossibly numerous array of colors. This... is the Weave.”

By passing through the blinkpoint, I had basically transcended, and was able to perceive magic itself. And then, a voice came to me that caused every thread to resonate and vibrate.

???: “I see that you have found your way to that which lies between. A space betwixt realities.”

Anastasia: “Yes... I... Who are you? Can you help me?”

???: “I do not have a name. I am simply the Weaver of Magic.”

After a brief discussion about the implications of weaving space, time, and magic to bind everything together, the Weaver had a proposition.

Weaver: “You see, Anastasia... I also require assistance. Reality needs stability within the Weave, but I am unable to exist anywhere except within the Weave. I cannot leave this place. I could grant you the power to reverse the mistakes of the past, the power to right the wrongs of this Anisterian. But I would request that you act as the eternal guardian and curator of magic throughout the Planes.”

Anastasia: “Oh, I... I don’t know if I would know how to do that. You wield tremendous power, and even the gods find magic to be a fickle thing! Where would I even begin?”

Weaver: “Your gods find magic to be fickle because they have not embraced the Weave. You, however, may be granted this power freely.”

Anastasia: “You mean... You mean I could become a goddess?”

Weaver: “I do not fully understand these “gods,” but in your terms, yes. You would become Goddess of Reality.”

Anastasia: “That’s... more responsibility than I’ve ever known possible... But I can save my friends this way?”

Weaver: “I will allow you to undo the damage to the Weave. This will revert your reality to the moment before the threads were torn, and allow you to change the outcome of everything that had happened.”

Anastasia had to think long and hard about it. She would spend the remainder of her existence - the remainder of time - as a goddess, protecting and weaving magic throughout all of the Planes. That, of course, was nothing compared to the guilt of being the only survivor of her entire world.

She accepted the agreement, and the transformation began. Threads from the Weave wrapped themselves around her, covering her entire body until she was wrapped in pure magic. When she could see again, she was back out in space, adrift near the fissure. She looked at her hands instinctively, and noticed that her skin was glassy-smooth. Looking at her hands, her robes, her hair, she saw the same glass-like smoothness, but was able to look into herself and see the deepest parts of the cosmos within herself.

She had been transformed into the Goddess of Reality.

She looked to the fracture and began to focus. In the past, she was able to occasionally channel raw magic into different objects in order to activate them. She used the same process, but rather than the magic needing to be coaxed out of her, it erupted from her hands and shot into the fissure.

The fracture slowly crumbled into itself, and soon showed the entire world exploding in reverse. The moon lined back up with where it was, the planets unwound their orbits to realign, the planet reformed itself around her.

Within moments, she was floating just above the floor of the throne room right where she was, her hands raised at Queen Anisterian’s channeling hand. She held a hand out to Anisterian, and clenched her fist. Every thread of magic that had been woven into her unraveled and spun itself into Anastasia’s palm, and she was able to guide the threads back to the slain children of the queen. They would slowly reawaken and rise, and Queen Anisterian’s power was rendered innert.

Our party was able to stand up, and we apprehended the Queen and were able to throw her into the dungeons with no trouble. She was no longer capable of using magic in any form, so leaving her down there would pose no threats.

Alright, roll credits - that was the end of our campaign!

From then on, Anastasia changed her name to Cosmostasia, and wandered the Planes curating all of the torn threads of the Weave, ensuring that magic wasn’t being abused in a way that damaged it, etc.

Yes, Cosmostasia continued to visit her homeworld and help those in need, but given that she was a goddess and had some very pressing responsibilities, she couldn’t be there as consistently as our other heroes. Plus, when she was home, she was trying to take time off and be with her beloved Tarx!

If you made it this far, thank you for reading the entire thing!! I’ve always wanted to illustrate it and make a comic or something, but... that’s a project for another time lol. But now you have some context behind Cosmostasia!! :)

[nandalorian]

OCD Marvel Costume Series: Black Widow

Ever since I did that post about Captain America’s theoretical onesie and the evolution of his costume, I’ve gotten a lot of requests to do a similar OCD breakdown analysis about Black Widow’s.

After Cap and Bucky, Widow’s easily my favourite MCU character, so I am all too happy to break it down. But just know this required me to wade through so many disgusting male comments about her costume and body that I wanted to flip my desk and set it on fire. Repeatedly. You’re welcome.

Here are the six costumes I’ll be looking at from 2010-2018.

From L to R: Iron Man 2, Avengers, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War, and Avengers: Infinity War.

Putting the rest under a read more because shit’s gonna get long.

Let’s begin: Iron Man 2.

This is the first time we meet Natasha in the MCU franchise, and I don’t know about you guys, but I remember there being a LOT of hype surrounding Scarlett being cast in a totally non-objectifying way. <_<

Just kidding. Here’s actual footage of every straight man watching/starring in Iron Man 2 when Nat’s on screen:

This, I think, is a good place to add a caveat that it’s difficult to address Natasha’s looks and clothing without sounding like I’m criticizing her appearance and sexuality, including her ability to weaponize those things or the fact that she is entitled to enjoy them in any way she likes. As a character, certainly she is, and to me that’s one of the really interesting aspects of her personality and an incredible skill. As a woman, those are things not worthy of criticizing, IMO. But the films present a grey area because they are all directed by men, and to a large extent for men. So it’s hard to find the line between what is meant to entice audiences and what is meant to tell us something important about who Nat is, and to what extent the latter is the original intent of the costume choices. How do you extricate the character from the male gaze when the male gaze permeates so much of comic book culture, and by extension the MCU? Let’s not forget how many gratuitous ass shots there are of Natasha in a given movie, although the Russos generally do a good job of evening the playing field by liberally sprinkling in plenty of Cap ass shots too. The Russos are like the salt baes of equal-opportunity and gender-neutral ass shots.

But back to Natasha. In Iron Man 2, she spends most of the movie in sexy wiggle dresses or low-cut blouses, presenting herself as an object of desire for all the men in the film (possibly some of the women) and a thorn in Pepper Potts’s side until they join forces against Tony. (Obviously her intention, since Natasha weaponizes everything about herself, but it was also pretty clearly for audience titillation as much as the character never does anything by accident.)

But then, surprise! It’s revealed she’s the Black Widow and capable of kicking more ass than just about anyone else in the film/on the planet, and can even do it in a skintight catsuit and crazy hair flying in her face at all times!

Natasha’s suit is probably the least functional in this movie because it’s designed to look like a sexy female comic book hero costume, not something a real agent would wear in a believable conflict situation. Or maybe they would, I don’t know. I’m not a spy. But objectively speaking, she has a totally useless belt with the Black Widow symbol around her middle, then the tactical belt, holsters, etc. The fabric looks shiny and stretchy but isn’t leather. That being said, you can’t get much more spot on in terms of the visual interpretation, if you look at how she’s drawn by J Scott Campbell. I am not positive whether IM2 Widow is an interpretation of this artist’s illustration or vice versa, but either way, she translates from film to comic and back again pretty flawlessly.

Just don’t even get me started on the hair because w h a t. Tell me you can’t hear it crackling when you look at this gif. Go on, I dare you.

No wonder ScarJo switched to wigs after this movie.

Ironically, even though this costume is pretty ridiculous in terms of offering any kind of practicality or protection from bullets/knives/explosions, I have to point out that Iron Man 2 is the only movie where Black Widow actually wears practical footwear.

Look at those things. Those are flat, FUNCTIONAL boots. You could do all the running, jumping, and punching things you wanted and not feel like your goddamn feet were going to fall off, or worse, plant you on your fucking face because you’re wearing heels into combat. RIP flat Widow boots.

Moving on. Avengers 1.

Much like the other costumes in this film, Natasha’s outfit is still pretty comic book-y, although to a less cartoonish extent than Captain America some. That is pretty much Joss Whedon’s trademark as a director, although shockingly, I felt Widow looked more serious and ready for battle. Alexandra Byrne did the costume design on Avengers and Ultron, as well as Thor and Guardians of the Galaxy (hence the trademark styles in A1 and A2, plus similarities between Natasha and Gamora’s costumes), and she has a distinct touch. Here the nods to practicality include less extravagant hair (though Natasha also has short hair plenty of times in the comics) and the fact that her suit looks like it could deflect a knife (possibly). Even her civilian clothing looks less hyperfeminine than that of Iron Man 2, and it’s here we begin to see that Nat’s outfit of choice is usually some combination of jeans, a jacket, and knee-high boots with a small heel. It always strikes me that this is probably what she’s most comfortable in when she’s not dressed as Black Widow. Even her stance here looks like that of a soldier, less of a stereotypically female pose.

I couldn’t help but feel a lot of this was intentional on Whedon’s part in order to avoid anyone accusing him of sexualizing Natasha and to look like a Real Director Who Takes Female Characters Seriously (TM). So he dresses women more realistically but then just assassinates their character in other ways, as you do. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

As far as her suit is concerned, don’t get me wrong: it’s still textured plastic meant to stretch and allow movement and comfort and cling to certain... assets... and they still haven’t gotten rid of her totally useless Widow belt. But at least she looks a bit more like she means business and less like she’s just there to look hot.

However, in this film they also introduced the infamous heels to her costume. 

In the immortal words of Shuri:

Like Cap’s ab window, this is one of those design choices I begrudgingly understand from a movie perspective--it looks ~sexier and ~more feminine and also reduces the height difference between ScarJo and her male costars (plus other female characters like Agent Hill wear heels too, and so does Wonder Woman in the DC franchise. They appear in the Black Widow comics too), but the reality of someone willingly wearing heels in this type of environment makes me want to facepalm real bad. Sure, you can argue fighting in heels is just one of Nat’s special abilities that makes her better than the rest of us, but--that’s probably not why.

And they don’t go away, even when the movie and writing quality drastically improves. Anyone who read my post on Cap’s suits will probably be able to guess that The Winter Soldier is my #1 Marvel film and had some of my favourite costumes in the MCU, and Nat is no exception there. 

The way the Russos interpret her, through their writing and their vision for the overall look of the film and the way the costumes are designed (Judianna Makovsky did all the costumes for Winter Soldier, Civil War, and Infinity War, which makes total sense in ways I’ll explain in a moment), also reminds me a bit of Phil Noto and Nathan Edmonson’s Black Widow. Plenty of people might be inclined to disagree with me there, I’m sure, but Noto and Edmonson’s series, tonally and visually, is very similar to TWS in the sense that they feel like political thrillers, and the character styling in the film continues that theme. The story and the way the characters are written and styled crosses genres and blurs the line between comic book, thriller, and real life.  

In TWS, Nat looks like a fucking badass, but also somehow more relatable and human despite her perfect hair and flawless skin. TWS was the film where she, for me (along with the rest of the cast, especially Steve), went from being a character to being a person with all the shades of greys, uncertainties, and ambiguities that entails. That’s where the Russos excel, making fictional characters come alive with nuance and layers. Kind of like how you know if they had done a Hawkeye movie, they’d have probably adapted Hawkeye #19. 

Their unique way of finding the humanity in comic book characters and situating them in the real world translates interestingly through the costumes. Even her hair is the most natural-looking shade of copper red than any of the other films, where it tends to looks more dyed. Trust me, as someone who spent 9 years trying to achieve the perfect and most natural shade of copper red possible, I know how difficult it is to get right, even if this is obviously a wig.

If you look reeeeal close at the above pic, you can tell she’s graduated from stretchy plastic to something that resembles kevlar or some kind of protective utility material. You can just make out the lines and texture in the fabric. Still stretches and lets her move, obviously still skintight, but upgrades her to a higher degree of real-world believability in the same way the stealth suit did for Cap. 

I find the back of her suit interesting too. There’s a panel sewn over her butt that looks identical to the full-seat equestrian breeches I wear riding, which are meant to offer reinforcement and grip. I’m not entirely sure why Nat needs either of those things in combat, but there you have it. (In all seriousness, it could be because the fabric they used is less stretchy or doesn’t hold its shape the same way, so they had to piece it together differently to allow for movement and shape retention through all the stunts.)

Actually, scratch that. Why wouldn’t you need reinforcement and grip when doing this?

Weird butt panel notwithstanding, Nat’s TWS suit also introduces more protective details like leather and sewn-in kneepads, and her Widow belt actually serves to cinch in the costume instead of just sit there pointlessly, leaving her with just the tac belt. Still the dumb heels too, but I promise I’ll get over it. Maybe.

Next: Age of Ultron. People are going to side-eye the shit out of me for saying this, but... Widow’s costume continues to be less ridiculous than, say, Cap’s. Cartoonish, yes, with a lot of frankly baffling design choices, and visually I liked it the least. But weirdly enough, the construction of the suit and the fabric is less ridiculous than it seems at first glance; it looks like it’d actually offer a pretty high degree of protection in the field. Check it out.

There’s a matte leather and a similar kevlar/utility fabric as her suit in TWS, and the Widow belt and the tac belt have been combined into one so there are fewer pointless buckles. 

I mean, too bad they ruin it by adding glowing blue parts that make her look like she’s about to go cosplay as Tron as soon as she finishes saving the world, and I will never understand why her gauntlets are suddenly red, but a detail that caught my eye is right on the bodice. See those seams under her bust? 

It looks like it could be there just to draw attention to her boobs, but as a former fencer, I can tell you those are almost certainly for a chest plate or removable protective cups. (From a movie costuming perspective, they’re probably to give the bust more definition, as that’s literally an underwire construction. Yes, okay, I realize this. But if we consider the character, a chest plate makes far more sense.) And if you are a woman in a combat situation where you’re getting whacked in the tits a bunch of times, you need a fucking chest plate. She doesn’t appear to be wearing one in the other films, which is as absurd as Cap going into battle without wearing a cup. Have you ever been clocked in the tits before? With a weapon, no less? Because I have, and it’s not fun. It happens to you once, and you’re on Amazon buying a chest plate or protective cups literally the next day. Or, you know, from the toilet immediately after as you sit there crying and cradling your poor bruised boobs.

Another really practical detail is that she has proper kneepads in this costume, which is ideal if you’re sliding around on the ground a lot, or taking hard landings.

BUT WHY DO THEY GLOW IN THE DARK? /despair

Oddly enough, Nat’s suit in Captain America: Civil War was one of my least favourites--initially. But I was wrong to feel that way, and I’ll tell you why. Why didn’t I like it at first? Well, they pick up some of the same details as in TWS and add other more practical things like no-nonsense kneepads, but they also seem to add boning to the bodice of the suit, and lots of piping everywhere on the arms and torso that would probably rub unpleasantly if you were moving around that much. Unnecessary seams=friction. That’s a lesson any equestrian will tell you too.

I also was not a fan of the Farah Fawcett vibe I got from her hair, but that could just be me. Her suit here is functional, overall, but it doesn’t reinvent the wheel or make her look sleek and dangerous in the same way as TWS. It has less... style than her other suits and civilian outfits (which were my fave in this film), and after this many movies, I think we’ve come to associate the Black Widow suit with style and making certain death at her hands/thighs look good. 

But there is a point to her suit looking more tactical, which you can better see here. From this angle, she looks almost military, certainly the most military of any of the other films, and that is intentional and significant later on.

Because much like Cap’s uniform carries over to Infinity War, so does Nat’s. That was a clever segue, in case you were wondering.

This is such a departure from anything else Nat wears in the other films that you kind of have to tip your hat at the designer and the Russos and Judianna Makovsky for having such a sharp eye for detail and a knack for letting costume tell a story. Not only does Natasha change her hair and eyebrow colour, but she changes the colour of her suit too, adding in some green and almost entirely eliminating the sex appeal of the other Widow costumes. But the continuity is most impressive of all.

It’s hard to tell, but just like Steve is wearing the same uniform as in Civil War, minus the star he clawed off with his bare hands, Nat is wearing the exact same Widow costume with a tactical vest on top and some new body armour (shoulder and elbow pads). Remember that piping on the arms, legs, and bodice I bitched about a second ago? If you look closely, it’s all clearly visible in the same spots, and it’s obvious the vest just goes over top. Her kneepads and boots are the exact same too. This girl did a complete 180 on her look with nothing more than a tac vest and an emergency appointment with Guy Tang for some blonde balayage. 

It’s amazing that Steve and Sam think going incognito involves DIY distressing on their uniforms and growing some playoff beards, but Natasha can become an entirely different person just by changing a few key details. Especially the eyebrows. I once wrote a line in a fic about how her lighter eyebrows in Infinity War totally change the shape of her face. I think that’s a detail everyone noticed in the trailers, how strange she looked with those ultrablonde brows. But that’s perfect for this character and something Nat would intuitively pick up on, because it leaves her almost unrecognizable. Just like makeup can subtly change someone’s face shape, so can eyebrows, but she ditches makeup in Infinity War to the same effect. It’s the makeover equivalent of “walk, don’t run.” Kind of amazing to think she is so many steps ahead of everyone else that she can go down Dick’s Sporting Goods and CVS for nothing more than a tac vest and a box of hair dye, respectively, and literally emerge looking like a different person. When she says she’s figuring out a new cover, this is the stuff she means.

So there you have it. I hope this costume breakdown as as fun for you to read as it was to put together, and I continue to be impressed and occasionally stumped by the design choices made by the MCU costuming departments. They really do know their stuff and how important clothing is to the understanding of a character, and Nat, who is a master of tailoring her look for maximum effect, proves this rule more than almost anyone else.

Thanks for reading! I might tackle Bucky next, so stay tuned.

[fusioncomics]

Blaze the Cat #01

By Charty/Fuse/Eggy(Different names for one person)

Important notes: NB means 'Narration Box', and TB means 'Thought Bubble'

PAGE ONE AND TWO - TWO PAGE SPREAD A two page spread shot of a very large city, looking similar to Pre-SGW's New Mobotropolis, only, slightly more advanced looking, with a slight bit of spanish architecture style.

NB Note: Solus, Capital City

1. Blaze(NB): I have to admit, its been a while since I've been back here.

2. Blaze(NB): Between the various searches for the Sol Emeralds, and having to deal with the doctors, just haven't really had the time.

3. Blaze(NB): Though, after the battle with Cap'n Metal, I seem to have more than enough time to come back recently.

4. Blaze(NB): Something that hasn't really been lost on the seer...

PAGE THREE - THREE PANELS

PANEL ONE A head and bust shot of a somewhat tired looking Blaze, walking along the sidewalk, with a few background characters around her.

1. Blaze(NB): Lahlee...

2. Blaze(NB): Never really talked to her much. Didn't really used to be all that social, to be honest.

PANEL TWO A zoom in on Blaze's face, which starts taking on a concerned expression

1. Blaze(NB): But, then again, I'd like to think I'm better than that now.

2. Blaze(NB): And, from what it sounds, she might have had it a bit hard herself...

PANEL THREE A side shot of Blaze walking along the sidewalk, with multiple background characters around her.

1. Blaze(NB): After all, the life of seer has never sounded all that pleasant to me.

2. Blaze(NB): All the legends and stories make it sound like a grueling task overall.

PAGE FOUR - TWO PANELS

PANEL ONE A shot of Blaze standing infront of a rather nice, pleasant looking, cottage like small house, with her back turned toward us.

1. Blaze(NB): Then again...

PANEL TWO A close up of Blaze's face, eyelids slightly lowered, with an expression that suggests she regrets her concern.

1. Blaze(NB): I suppose with me as her princess, she's had it a bit easier than others.

PAGE FIVE - THREE PANELS

PANEL ONE A shot of Blaze knocking on the door 1. Blaze: Lahlee, are you in there? I hope I've come at a good time.

PANEL TWO Same shot, but, now Blaze is waiting infront of the door looking slightly impatient. 1. Lahlee(From inside): Come in! Tea's almost done!

PANEL THREE Same shot, now with Blaze opening the door and heading in, looking less than thrilled. 1. Blaze: Oh, joy. Tea...

PAGE SIX - ONE PANEL SPREAD PANEL ONE A page spread shot of the inside of the house, with a tarot reader's table in the middle, a small reading room to be a left, and, a partial shot of a kitchen to the right, only showing the back of an egyptian blue(The color) cloak from behind in terms of what we can see of Lahlee.  Both Blaze's expression and body language convey surprise as she looks around.

1. Blaze: Woah! This- This is your new home...? 2. Lahlee: Well, its not as new as you'd think! 3. Lahlee: I actually moved in here about a couple of months ago. 4. Lahlee: I'm still having to get used to it a bit, but, its honestly pretty nice so far!

PAGE SEVEN - FIVE PANELS

PANEL ONE Blaze is looking to her left, body turned slightly, with an expression of curiosity, and slight wonder on her face.

1. Blaze: It is very nice. I think I would hope to have a place just as nice in the near future. 2. Lahlee: Ha! Well, I do wish I could see as you do-

PANEL TWO Same shot, but, now Lahlee's in it, still obscured, and, we can only see her blue cloak, and, her holding a simple white tea kettle. Blaze looks at her with a slight bit of curiosity, but, mostly confusion. 1. Lahlee: But, enough about me! Why don't we go ahead and sit down, and have some tea?

PANEL THREE Lahlee sits down in a plain wooden chair at the far end of the table, and, her head isn't visible, but, now we can see her arms, and, an echidna dread/quill, and, she seems to have a pink lavender coat, with somewhat darker flame-shaped markings on her dreads/quills.

PANEL FOUR Blaze sits down at the chair at the end closer to the door, her head also not really visible, or, at the very least, only slightly visible from the bottom.

PANEL FIVE A wide shot of the table, with Blaze closer to the viewer, but, we can now see that Lahlee seems to be an echidna girl, about a couple of years older than Blaze, with a white face wrap covering her eyes, and, she seems to be wearing a plain egyptian blue robe from inside of the cloak. She has a smile on her face, and is pouring some tea into a cup, while Blaze has a somewhat unenthused look on her face. 1. Lahlee: Now, tell me, how is this 'Marine' I've heard about doing? 2. Blaze: Eh, she's fine. She's a bit trying at times, but, I know she means well. She's still learning.

PAGE EIGHT - Four Panels(All wide shots)

PANEL ONE Lahlee's pouring a second cup of tea, looking a bit amused. Although, you can kind of tell, its the kind of expression that might look slightly smug for someone we could actually see the eyes of. Blaze looks a bit embarrassed, though. 1. Lahlee: I see! Well, if we're being honest, I think we both know what that's like~ 2. Blaze: H-heh, I'm not quite sure what you mean...

PANEL TWO You can't see her eyes, but, you can tell Lahlee's giving Blaze a bit of a knowing smile. Blaze is drinking her tea, mouth obscured by the cup, and, she's clearly trying to avoid looking in Lahlee's direction. 1. Lahlee: Well, I don't know about you, but, I remember a bit of a princess who was constantly asocial, and, didn't think she needed to get close to anyone. 2. Blaze: I-I'm not sure I follow.

PANEL THREE Blaze makes a disgusted face, looking at her tea cup, and, Lahlee just sort of has a neutral expression. 1. Blaze: Ugh! Is your tea always this bitter? 2. Lahlee: Funny, I knew you would say that...

PANEL FOUR Lahlee has a *very* knowing smirk on her face, and, Blaze is sweating a bit, making the kind of embarrassed grin face someone like Tracy Yardley might draw. 1. Lahlee: Which is why I specifically used a blueberry blend from Plant Kingdom, instead of my usual one. 2. Lahlee: You've just had it ingrained as a habit by now to consider my tea bitter, haven't you? 3. Blaze: I, uh- Well, uh-

PAGE NINE - THREE PANELS

PANEL ONE Lahlee covers her mouth, while Blaze is just sort of watching, looking slightly bemused. 1. Lahlee: Heh! Oh, don't mind me, I'm sorry, I'm just having a little bit of a giggle at your expense! 2. Lahlee: I really shouldn't be. Its just a part of you I haven't really gotten to see much of in the past...

PANEL TWO Lahlee's expression isn't visible, we're once again just seeing her from behind. Blaze's expression is a bit bemused.

1. Lahlee: Now, before we get started, why don't you tell me some of whats happened to you? 2. Lahlee: We've barely talked before now, and, I really would like to know about what's been going on with you in recent times. 3. Lahlee: That is, if you wouldn't mind?

PANEL THREE Blaze sighs, looking down, eyelids half shut in contemplation.

1. Blaze: Well...I guess a lot has changed, honestly. I used to be a lot more energetic when I was younger, but, I think I was also a bit spoiled too, since that was before I knew what I would have to do. 2. Blaze: When my parents disappeared, and, your father started training me to become guardian, I know I started shutting myself off from others. I knew the kind of responsibilities that ultimately fell on me. I thought I could handle them all alone... 3. Blaze: Even when Dr. Eggman came, and took all of the Sol Emeralds, I didn't think I needed anyone. 4. Blaze: ...But, then, after going to Mobius-Sonic's World-I started to meet all sorts of new people. I- I began to open up a bit more, ask others for help. Cream, Sonic and the others really started to open my eyes. 5. Blaze: Even when I invited Sonic here, I still had a lot more to learn. Not just from Sonic and Tails, but, even Marine too. She has her flaws, but, so do I. 6. Blaze: And...During the Wisp incident, I met another new person. I didn't think I had ever met him before, but, he still seemed familiar somehow. And...He was nice. Naive, but, nice. 7. Blaze: I don't think I'll ever stop learning how to be a better person and friend, but, I don't think anyone ever does.

PAGE TEN - THREE PANELS

PANEL ONE We can see Lahlee from behind, sipping tea, and, Blaze on the other side, just watching curiously.

1. Lahlee: Well, I'm not really surprised. I knew you'd find people who could find your softer spots inside one of these days. 2. Lahlee: It was always going to be a matter of when.

PANEL TWO A shot, now its Blaze we're right behind, and, we can see Lahlee facing in her general direction, with a wry smile on her face, while Blaze is blushing slightly, and looking down at the table to avoid looking in Lahlee's direction again.

1. Lahlee: Honestly, I'm mostly curious about this hedgehog girl with a hammer. 2. Lahlee: I understand you two work pretty well together? 3. Blaze: W-well, Amy is...Very motivated when it comes to helping her friends. 4. Blaze: I should honestly consider myself glad that I number among them.

PANEL THREE Lahlee has an expression of genuine curiosity on her face, while Blaze is looking upwards in contemplation.

1. Lahlee: Is there anyone from Sonic's World you'd like to get to know more? 2. Blaze: Hmmmmm...Well, I've only seen the princess of Acorn in passing, and, I've heard about a few of his other Freedom Fighter friends. Honestly, I think I'd like to meet all of them eventually, if possible.

PAGE ELEVEN - FOUR PANELS

PANEL ONE Lahlee looks both impressed, and pleased as punch, as she starts pulling out a Solian style tarot deck, with the top of all the cards having ornate purple patterns, with flame markings in the certain, and around the decorated parts of the cards.

1. Lahlee: Well, that is definitely an admirable and respectable goal! I'm glad you're wanting to make more friends these days! Now, I guess we should go ahead and start this, considering its supposed to be the main reason you're here.

PANEL TWO An overhead view, Lahlee goes ahead and places a card down ontop of the table.

1. Lahlee: Now, I don't know what everyone's told you, but, this is a perfectly valid of making a prediction. My father, and all his ancestors before him had various different ways of doing this, and, I have my own way. 2. Blaze: Well...I don't think I would judge, really. Amy has a bit of an interest in tarot cards herself. 3. Lahlee: Oh? Well, it sounds like she's very openminded to things that can't always be explained.

PANEL THREE Lahlee places her gloved hand ontop of the card.

1. Lahlee: Now, let us see what the first one is.

PANEL FOUR Both of them are *looking* at the card, making it debateable of whether Lahlee 100% blind or not.

1. Lahlee: Is that- I-is that what I think it is? 2. Blaze: Yep...

PAGE TWELVE - THREE PANELS

PANEL ONE A close up shot of what seems to be a massive bunch of vines, covering a tower shaped structure, with the words 'The Tower' on the bottom.

1. Blaze: I've been around Amy enough to know a tower card when I see it.

PANEL TWO Lahlee looks to her right, which is on Blaze's and our left, with a look that indicates that she is trying to wrap her head around this.

1. Lahlee: I- I don't know how this could have happened

PANEL THREE Lahlee grabs two more cards, placing them both to one side of the Tower card. Her hand is obscuring them though.

1. Lahlee: But, I know two more drawings should clear this up.

PAGE THIRTEEN - ONE PANEL SPREAD

PANEL ONE Lahlee's standing to the left wondering what could have happened, while Blaze is looking on with suspicion, seeming to already have an idea as to what this could mean. To the right of the Tower Card, the Emperor, represented by a tall feline mobian in Golden Armor, with a giant ornate golden gear right behind him, and, the Sun, with all seven Sol Emeralds around it in the picture.

1. Lahlee: I- I'm the one who drew this, but, I don't even know what it means? How could a Tower, Emperor and Sun be in the same drawing...? 2. Blaze: Well...I think I might have a bit of an idea

PAGE FOURTEEN - FOUR PANELS

PANEL ONE Lahlee looks at Blaze in confusion, who seems to be pondering on something.

1. Lahlee: I- Wait, what...? 2. Blaze: I- My mother used to tell me about legends of the past. Fables and stories about those who supposedly used to live in our universe...

PANEL TWO Blaze looks at the viewer, while in the background, we can see a shining sun, and three obscured shadowy feline figures standing infront of it. The tallest one looking forward, and, the two others facing toward the sides.

1. Blaze: Once upon a time, there lived a Great King, blessed with great knowledge and strength, and power over the sun itself. 2. Blaze: And, as the young king's reign continued, and he grew older and married, he had two children

PANEL THREE A bust shot of a male jaguar, facing directly to the left, wearing a small golden crown, and aztec/mayan style jewelry over his chest, grinning arrogantly.

1. Blaze: The first was his older son. 2. Blaze: He was blessed with the vibrant passion and fire of the sun, and, was considered both handsome and beautiful by many of his subjects and lovers.

PANEL FOUR A bust shot of a female caracal, looking directly to the right, with a red forehead jewel looking similar to Blaze's, and a fancy aztec/mayan style outfit, with her eyes partially closed, and a subdued yet warm smile on her face.

1. Blaze: The second was his younger daughter. 2. Blaze: She was blessed with the majestic, life giving sol energies of the sun, that were reflected in the gems of that era. She was considered not only very beautiful, but, very kind and wise as well. 3. Blaze: Both of them had the same powers from the sun of their father, just used in different ways.

PAGE FIFTEEN - FIVE PANELS

PANEL ONE A shot of the two together, but, younger, playing with each other in the throne room(With a bit of a technologically advanced clockpunk Aztec/Mayan asthetic), looking rather happy and excited, with a taller, more well muscled jaguar watching from the throne with a warm smile.

1. Blaze: When the two were younger, they were just about inseperable! There was only about a year and a half's age difference between them, and, no matter what anyone did, they couldn't be separated for long.

PANEL TWO A shot of the two as teenagers, the male jaguar being surrounded by both attracted male and female feline mobians, laughing a bit, clearly enthused from all the attention, while his sister seems to be reading from some sort of holographic scroll nearby, rolling her eyes a bit.

1. Blaze: Even as the two grew older, and their interests clearly differed as time went on-He enjoyed basking in the attention of others', and, she had an interest in both lore and history-They still remained close.

PANEL THREE A shot of some sort of ceremony, both standing at center of a crowd, with the two sticking their hands into some sort, and not being harmed.

1. Blaze: And, of course, both were blessed by the sun, and, possessed great power over fire and other magics!

PANEL FOUR The male Jaguar shows off, creating rings and cubes, and different shapes out of fire, to an awed crowd.

1. Blaze: Some would say the brother preferred the destructive side of fire, but, he was very creative, and, could bend the shape of fire more easily than his sister and most others.

PANEL FIVE The female caracal creates flames of different colors close to the crowd, who don't seem to be as fearful as they are curious.

1. Blaze: The sister, though, was more entuned with the life nature of fire, and, recognize that fire and heat were a part of life, and, so, could create flames with many beneficial effects, including healing.

PAGE SIXTEEN - THREE PANELS

PANEL ONE As the crowd cheers for the both of them, they face toward each other, and just sort of smile knowingly at each other.

1. Blaze: They were beloved by both their parents, and their people. As long as they remained together, the two siblings were practically unstoppable.

PANEL TWO The brother watches from the back, as a male cat in ornate robes, similar looking in appearance to Blaze, kisses the hand of his sister, who seems to be smiling.

1. Blaze: But, as they grew older, and became adults, one of the king's mages took an interest in, and began courting the princess, who quickly started to reciprocate his feelings.

PANEL THREE A close up shot, the brother's face is a mixture between anger and concern, with his teeth bared to a degree.

1. Blaze: The prince did not like this, and, was furious that someone would try to court his only sibling, but, at the same time, he loved his sister, and wanted her to be happy.

PAGE SEVENTEEN - FIVE PANELS

PANEL ONE The brother points accusingly at the male cat mage infront of his father, sister, and the father's staff and advisors.

1. Blaze: Soon enough, though, it became more than he could bear. One day, he outright challenged the mage to a magic duel, that all the people would see. He would not let this one take his sister.

PANEL TWO The Sister grabs her brother's arm, with tears streaming/flooding out of her face, and a horrified look on her face.

1. Blaze: The sister begged him, pleaded with him to stop! She did not want either her brother or her beloved to be hurt. But, he would not listen. He was filled with jealously, and a fury that not even she could quell.

PANEL THREE The brother and mage face other at opposite sides of a small-medium sized arena.

1. Blaze: And, so it was that the prince and the mage would fight each other the next day.

PANEL FOUR A fiery, yet shadowy aura surrounds the mage, who has both of his eyes closed, and his hands together as he's obviously preparing some sort of offensive spell.

1. Blaze: But, as much as the mage did not want to fight the beloved prince, he could not let himself die either. And, to lose would be to die for him. So, he decided that he would use a lesser known spell, of a type of magic that was consider taboo by many a magic user-

PANEL FIVE The mage sends a blazing, shadowy torrent of fire, right at the prince from his hands, knocking the prince down, with the prince facing away from the audience.

1. Blaze: And, so, he cast a curse on him, one that would force the prince into an eternal slumber.

PAGE EIGHTEEN - FIVE PANELS

PANEL ONE The king(Tall, muscular male jaguar) is shouting at the mage in rage, with tears streaming down his eyes. The princess is trying to calm her father down.

1. Blaze: The king was outraged. He demanded the mage cure his son, but, since the type of magic wasn't well studied, no one really knew how to cure it.

PANEL TWO The king, face obscured, but still streaming with tears, simply points away, basically telling him to go.

1. Blaze: So, since he had taken his beloved son from him, the king ordered the mage banished. He was exiled, ordered to leave through the gates to wander the worlds, with pain of slow death awaiting him should he ever return.

PANEL THREE The princess watches her father the other side of the room sometime after the mage has left, with an expression of clear concern.

1. Blaze: The princess was worried. Knowing her father, he might try just about anything, including using the power of their great sun gems to seize other worlds, so that he might find a way to cure her brother. And, there would be no telling how many he would hurt or kill to that end, in this state of mind.

PANEL FOUR The princess, followed by a number of other members of her feline people, sneaks through the night.

1. Blaze: And, so, one night, while her father was asleep, and the gems were unguarded, she took all seven, and, then, she and a number of her loyal followers snuck through the night, leaving their world behind through the gate, to the first planet her lover had taken. Then, she broke the gate on their side, preventing her father from following. She would make sure the rest of the gates on their new planet were smashed as well.

PANEL FIVE The king sits on his throne, most of the top half of him obscured in shadow, though, he's obviously wearing some sort of golden armor.

1. Blaze: Her father, stuck on his own world, simply bided his time, his rage slowly turning into cold calucation.

PAGE NINETEEN - ONE PANEL SPREAD

PANEL ONE A mosaic of Blaze's world, with the picture of the princess, now a queen, on top of the world, with symbolism of not only grandeur, but, peace and benevolence as well.

1. Blaze: And, so, the princess, who became known as the queen of her new world, ruled in benevolence for two centuries, tethering the sun gems to their new world. She brought a golden age of peace, which remained until she died.

PAGE TWENTY - FOUR PANELS

PANEL ONE Blaze is standing, contemplating on her story, and what she's been told when she was young, and, what she's read since.

1. Blaze: Although...According to legend, after Queen Arteia's death, a cult rose up, and, reassembled the gate leading back to the original Solian homeworld. There's been enough evidence to suggest that the cult is indeed real, and, that we've had to war with the old Solians multiple times over the millenia.

PANEL TWO Lahlee seems to realize something important, which Blaze nods to.

1. Lahlee: Hold on. Queen Lahlee? But- She was the original queen of the Sol dynasty! That means that- 2. Blaze: Yes, it means that we've been fighting those we share ancient ancestors with, for longer than any of us care to remember.

PANEL THREE Blaze has a serious look on her face, which seems to indicate she knows what this means.

1. Blaze: And, if some of these legends are true...

PANEL FOUR A bobcat woman, in technologically advanced, golden colored aztec/mayan style armor, kneels before the throne.

1. Blaze(NB): We might still be facing the old king himself. 2. Bobcat: Sir, our mystics have been contacted by the cult. We should be able to go through the gate in two days time. 3. King: Well, then-

PAGE TWENTY-ONE - ONE PANEL SPREAD

PANEL ONE We can see the king from the story, and, he's wearing some sort of ancient looking, but, still pretty advanced, golden-colored armor. In the bottom right corner, there's a 'TO BE CONTINUED' comic box.

1. King: I suppose its finally time I get to see the measure of my newest descendant...

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

[jaeminlore]

soulmate!chanyeol

a/n: happy birthday to @your-safety-pin !! (i tried to get this to post exactly midnight your timezone but i think i’m a bit late haha) youre one of the sweetest people i've ever met and I know chanyeol would fall in love with your if he ever met you ^^ this is too short and does no justice but i hope you’ll enjoy it anyway!

okay so in this soulmate au

it's the one where you have matching tattoosand some are on wrists and other are on hips or ankles

the important thing is that they all usually match

through time this has gotten more difficult bc some tattoos match up as pairs (two puppies, two apples, two clouds) while other match up as things that just go together (sun and moon, rose and dagger, anchor and rope)

so sometimes it's rlly hard to figure out who is your soulmate

you have a moon on your right hip just above where the waistband of your jeans would be

so anyway on your last birthday your friend bought you dance lessons, bc dancing is something you've always wanted to learn it's been nearly a year now and you're pretty good at choreography and coming up with stuff on your own

your teacher informs you that she wants you to help out one of her students, who is a great dancer, he just has a hard time loosening upyou agree bc you don't have anything better to do and you think it might also be fun

but you aren't expecting an extremely tall and handsome man to walk in, his puppy dog eyes and elf-like ears making you almost instantly fall for him

when the two of you make eye contact, something in the air crackles for a moment, like fire wanting to be released from its confidements, and you wonder if he feels it as wellhe doesn't seem to, due to his easygoing smile and the way he reaches to grab your hand, "hi, i'm chanyeol."

"y/n," you reply, your cheeks warm from the feeling of his palm against yours

and the two of you click almost instantly once you start dancing it's as if the two of you had been friends for ages

and chanyeol has this bright energy that really can't be matched but you try oh so hard to keep up with him anyway

every day you practice w him you feel warm tingles across your skin when he accidentally bumps into you, or holds your hand, or when you grab his waist to change his position

but as far as you can tell he doesn't feel anythingyou can't see through his pov thoyou don't know that your touch drives him absolutely insane and the way you smile at him can keep him up for days trying to decipher it

he adores your hardworking personality and they way you patiently help him learn his moves

he is absolutely mesmerized by your kind eyes and even kinder spirit

but you aren't his soulmate :(

chanyeol knows this bc he's already found his soulmate, a girl with a sun on her wrist, similar to the sun on his hip

they are different art styles, but they match

chanyeol has been dating her for over a year now and some days he wonders if being with his soulmate is supposed to feel it does with her... disappointing and filled with useless fighting,,, but those kinds of thoughts make him hate himself

they make him feel like a bad soulmatehaving a teensy crush on his dance tutor makes him feeling like a horrible soulmate

so he keeps his feelings for you locked up bc he's sure he can't let them out when they two of you don't match

it's cheating

it's wrongso he simply savors the feeling of your hands on his neck silently, for only him to think about

okay back to your pov

chanyeol has a big show coming up with a few of his mates, and there's a certain move he couldn't get down so he came to you for help

and he's dressed in a simple sweatpants and hoodie combination but you can't help but think of how cuddly he looks and how much you'd like to kiss him in this moment

"so i rlly want to get this move down bc there might be performance school scouts in the audience and also my soulmate will be there and she's pretty mad at me so i'd like to try and impress her enough to make her happy again"

your eyebrows furrow bc,,, well he's never mentioned a soulmate before and you always secretly hoped,,, nevermind it rlly doesn't matter now

except that your heart feels like it's breaking

"soulmate?" you almost choke on the words

"yeah" chanyeol replies, "we've got matching tattoos, see?"

he rolls up his shirt, and although your eyes want to linger on his toned abdomen, you force them to focus on the sun tattoo just along his hip joint

it's your tattoo

i mean, it's not a moon but it's the same art style and color shades and everything but when chanyeol pulls out his phone and shows you a girl w a sun tattoo of her wrist, more cartoon looking and less neutral in color, you find yourself discouraged

chanyeol is supposed to be w you,,, according to your tattoos,,,, but he thinks he's supposed to be w another

and it breaks your heart bc after all this your main priority is still chanyeol's happiness,, even if that means letting him go

"what's your tattoo?" he asks, reaching for the hem of your shirt

you swat him away and mutter something about not having a soulmate and something in chanyeol's expression falls

and you don't know why

but to him hearing those words feels like a million pieces of shattered glass have just pierced through his heart

and his tattoo is burning something fierce like he's close to falling onto the ground

you finally notice the way his body is shivering and the way his expression is falling "what's wrong?"

"i don't know," he says, and he truly doesn't know.

all he knows is that your words triggered something awful inside of him.

he marks it down as sympathy

you offer him your hand and when he takes it, the pain against his hip is too much and he falls to the floor, feeling this desperate and distant longing towards you

but he doesn't know what it is

"i h-have to go," he says quickly, and darts out of the practice room too fast for your liking.

and you feel a similar pain in your heart, this urge to follow him and hold him close

you know it's the soulmate link talking,,,, but he's made his decision,,,, so you ignore it

however, as the days go by, you wish you had followed after him

bc he left for good,,,, and the pain in your heart and your tattoo has you aching to see him again,,, if just for a fleeting second

maybe to clear everything up

and it's as if chanyeol knows when you're thinking of him bc suddenly the door to the studio opens

and you had just finished a dance routine and are now sitting on the ground struggling to catch your breath

but chanyeol's presence has you nearly choking on your water

"what're you doing here?"

he doesn't know rlly,, how is he supposed to tell you that he left his soulmate to be with you?

and he's never been good with words so he just sits beside you and places his hand on his heart like "it hurts"

perhaps you know what he's saying bc your heart is hurting too

it's a pain that pounds in your ears until the urge to reach forward and close the gap with your soulmate consumes you

"chanyeol, I have to tell you something."

"me first," he says, and without your answer he grabs your hand and places it against his heart. "i know you don't have a soulmate, and i know i already have one,,,, but i've never felt this feelings that i feel when i'm with you,,, and i've never felt pain like i've felt without you"

as says this he leans in, until his lips are grazing over yours, "y/n, i think i love you."

he kisses you, and when your palm runs down his abdomen to rest against his tattoo, he feels a rush of calm and safety in your fingertips

as much as you want to keep kissing him forever, you pull back and lift your shirt slightly, showing him the moon inked into your skin.

he stops and stares, and your breath hitches as he reaches forward to trace the design against your skin "you... you're my... so she and i were never — why didn't you tell me before?"

you bite your lip nervously, "you were so happy with her and,,,, that's all i wanted,,, was for you to be happy"

"i wasn't happy," he rushes to confess, peppering kisses all across your face and then your lips "i thought" kiss "I couldn't be" kiss "with you" kiss "bc i thought you" kiss "weren't my soulmate"

he pulls back enough to smile at you "but you are, so everything can be okay."

that's soulmate!chanyeol

and y'all live happily ever after pretty much!!!

<3