#i’ve got fucking brain damage from the amount of times i’ve slammed my fucking head onto concrete or granite countertops

[anarchypumpkincowboy]

it’s very frustrating knowing that most of my problems could be solved if i just didn’t have fucking seizures

[roscgcld]

DAYDREAMING!AU || new reality

;request: rn i’m obsessed with your writing & the daydreaming!reader<33 but i also love angst so what would happen if she ended up getting really hurt protecting another student - hope that wasn’t too weird.. again, i love your writing !!

note: ahaha, i am glad that a lot of people enjoy my daydreaming!reader works; she is also one of my babies as well >< and originally i wasn't going to do this cause i had no idea on what to write - but i had managed to layout a rocky plan before i got some bursts of inspiration lol. ended up becoming too loud though ><” I am sorry for that~

pronouns: she/her

daydreaming!reader masterlist

“There is a chance that she will never wake up from this.”

Shoko gave the others in the room a concerned glance as she glanced up from her tablet, hating how silent it was besides the quiet beeping of the machines around the occupied bed. Laying in the bed was Y/N, a breathing tube carefully inserted into her mouth with the ventilator beside her being the only thing that’s keeping her oxygen levels normal. “The amount of damage she took was quite large. And even though she had managed to regulate quite a strong barrier of Curse Energy around her at all times, it wasn’t enough to brace her for the impact of her being slammed into the build.”

The mission shouldn’t have ended this way - the first and second year students were sent on a mission to deal with a few Finger Bearers that had appeared in the city due to the lack of sorcerers on duty at the time. They were under the care of a few First Grade sorcerers, all hand-picked by Yaga-sensei to ensure the safety of the kids.

However, things rarely go to plan in the jujutsu world.

Yaga-sensei sighs softly as he leans back into his seat, his eyes glancing over at his student that was clearly battling to stay alive. Guilt started to eat him from the inside out, since this was technically his fault. Sure, everyone knows that there is no way that you can go on a mission without enduring some casualties. But the fact is that this was not what he had expected for the outcome to be.. “I am going to kill them myself.”

“G-Gojo-san!” Ijichi hissed out as he glances over at the white haired shaman in the room with wide eyes, the man having been leaning against the wall opposite from the hospital bed with his arms crossed over his chest. His head was tipped forward with an almost too casual expression on his face, yet anyone can tell the barely suppressed anger that lurked underneath. An anger that was only a few moments away from exploding. “You can’t - don’t say things like that!”

“And you expect me to sit back as they failed to save the children?” Gojo asks in a loud voice, effectively squashing whatever confidence Ijichi had built up inside of him. The hand that was resting arm tightened, the veins at the back of his pale hands started to protrude out as Gojo’s anger started to show itself. “I need a good explanation on how their incompetency put our student in this state. 5 First Grades against 3 Special Grade Curses? With 7 talented students by their side and they still can’t handle it? Give me a fucking break.”

“Not everyone can be like you, Satoru.” Yaga-sensei finally mumbles out as he rests his forehead into his hand, fingers pinching at the space between his eyes tiredly. “If anything, it was my fault. I had underestimated the brains of the Finger Bearers, and because of that, all my calculations were wrong. I put retrieving the fingers over numbers. So if you want to find someone to be angry to, the blame is on me.”

The room went quiet after Yaga’s explanation, both Ijichi and Shoko sharing a caution look before casting a glance over at the blindfolded man. After a few tensed moments Gojo pushed himself off the wall and walked out of the hospital room without another word, closing the door behind him quietly; a stark contrast to his usual habit of either slamming the shoji doors too hard, or leaving it open completely.

That out of character move definitely had Shoko sighing in concern. “That idiot...I hope he’s not going to do anything stupid.” She mumbles softly before she turned back to face the young girl laying on the bed, quietly reaching over to brush her fingers through the soft strands that had fallen over Y/N sleeping face. “You better wake up soon, sweetheart...I worry that this might finally push him over the edge.”

Occupying each seat outside of the small waiting area in the infirmary were the other students; wounds bandaged, yet their anxiety was palpable in the air. They had heard what had happened, yet were sheild by the other sorcerers who had called for back-up. Last they heard of Y/N was a scream before what sounded like a building collasping. “Do you think Y/N-senpai is alright?”

Yuji was the first one who dared to break the silence, glancing up from his clenched hands before him to glance at the others. “I mean...it must have been bad, since she was charted off as soon as back up arrived.” Yuji mutters softly as he tightened his fingers together, trying to stop them from shaking. He felt awful - if only he had spared a few seconds to glance over at his senpai, maybe she wouldn’t be in the condition she’s in now. “It’s not every day you’re rushed straight to Ieiri-sensei’s office...”

“...If there is one idiot who can pull through, it’ll be her,” Maki mumbles out quietly after awhile, looking away from her kouhai to stare down at the wooden floors of the building they were in. “Even if it’s bad, she always pulls through it...there is no reason why she can’t do it this time.” She mutters softly just as a pair of footsteps came towards them, causing everyone to look up at the approaching figure. 

Gojo paused when he spotted the others, the question they wanted to ask was clear as day. And for once, Gojo wished that he was able to reassure them like he always does. For him to be able to put up the act that everything was alright, that everyone will be okay. 

But he knew that it’ll do no justice if he did. “Is she...is she alright?”

The question that fell from Yuta’s mouth was left hanging in the air for a few moments, the sliver of hope they had moments ago slowly dimming with each passing moment. Quietly Gojo slipped his hands into his pockets, his blindfolded eyes downcast; too scared to see their reactions. For once, he wished that he was not the one to break the news to the students. “Y/N-chan...might not recovery from this.”

His words sent shock waves through the students, yet he balled his fists up in his pockets to continue with what he had to say. “She hit her head too hard...and if she was not subconsciously protecting herself with Cursed Energy all the time, the impact would have caused her skull to crack in two on impact. But it still took a lot out of her person, and Shoko said that-”

The sound of a metal chair being thrown backwards echoed across the room, causing Gojo to look up just in time to see Yuta standing up with wide eyes as he hastily tried to calm his friend. “Maki, you need to calm down.” He tried to reason with the girl, who had her backed turn to the group, her hands shoved deep into the pockets of her jacket. “This isn’t your fault-” Yuta tried to reason, only to pause when Maki just silently started to walk away, leaving with no more but a loud slam of the main door that echoed down the hallway once more. 

For a few moments no one said anything else, yet the first one to move was Megumi; who turned to face his sensei. “Can we visit her?” He mumbled out quietly, to which Gojo just glanced over at him with a slightly raised eyebrow. “Usually people talk to someone who is in a coma. Might jolt them awake or give them encouragement to fight harder...I am sure Y/N-senpai will get lonely if no one visited her..”

“Why not?” Gojo said after a few moments of thought, giving his students what he hope was a reassuring smile as he turns a little; nodding down the hallway. “Shoko managed to stabalise her condition. Just make sure to sanatise your hands at the door.”

Quietly the group of students followed behind their silent sensei, keeping close to one another as if they were trying to give each other comfort. The walk to the room seemed too far, the door seeming to grow further and further away from them with each step. It was if it was trying to stop them from seeing the truth; yet they didn’t stop. Yet soon they found themselves standing before the smooth door; the single grey name plaque with her name written in black resting in the silver plaque holder. “Right, here we are.”

After everyone was handed a blob of hand sanitiser and had wiped it onto their skin, the small group entered after a quiet knock to the door. “Y/N-chan, I’ve returned with the others...minus one, that is.” Gojo hummed out in delight as he made his way towards the bed, a silent gesture for the others to do the same. “You know Maki-chan though. Once she finishes beating herself up, she’ll come running back. She always does~”

Quietly the others made their way into the room, eyes scanning over the beeping machines and many wires connected to the sleeping girl. “Y/N...senpai..” Nobara mumbles out in shock, her eyes resting the ventilator; not believing that a girl that was bounding about the college earlier today now needed help to do something as simple as breathing. “No way...there is...”

A warm hand rest on the top of her head, Megumi quietly giving her a form of comfort whilst his wide eyes stared at the bed before him in shock. No one dared take a step forward, like they were standing on the other side of a fragile glass bridge that was moments away from breaking. “Y/N..”

Gojo felt the hole started to eat inside of him as he watches how his students were staring at their fellow classmate in shock. Quietly he settled down in the only seat at the corner of the room, watching from the shadows at how the others will react to seeing her in such a state. The first person to snap out of it was Yuta, who quietly places a hand on Toge’s shoulders before giving it a light squeeze. “Shall we go and say hello?” 

Quietly Yuta made his way towards the bed, only to hesitate one step away from grabbing onto her hand. He stared at the frail hand, a simple IV needle carefully taped on the back of her palm for a few moments; a clear look of uncertainty on his face. Yet he took a deep breath, and with a trembling hand, carefully took Y/N’s cold hand in his. “I...Hi, Y/N...” Yuta mumbles quietly into the hospital room, voice barely heard over the constant beeping of the heart monitor. “Sorry...we took awhile to visit...and sorry that Maki isn’t here...I am sure she’ll drop by when she is ready though.”

The only response he got was the sound of the steady beep of the heart monitor, to which he just tighten his grip ever so slightly on Y/N’s unmoving hand. He could hear the soft giggle that Y/N would let out at his words, and if he felt tears welling up in his eyes as he hears her voice bouncing around inside his head.

“It’s alright, Yuta-san! I am sure you were busy before that. And I know Maki-chan will come after you leave - but you didn’t hear that secret from me~”

The silence of the hospital room made Yuta sick to the stomach, the idea that he might never hear Y/N’s voice again started to really sink in. Her usually warm and familiar touch felt cold and lifeless, causing Yuta to carefully tuck her hand underneath her hospital blanket; as if he was trying to warm it up once more. “I...I am going to go grab her favourite stuffed animal from her room. I am sure she’d love to have something of comfort whilst she’s here...if you’ll excuse me.”

Without another word Yuta just walked out of the room quietly, Yuji being the only one turning to watch his senpai leave with a look of concern. Out of everyone Yuji was definitely the one who seemed to be able to hold himself together the most, so it was no surprise when he was the one that went next. “Yo, Y/N-senpai,” Yuji greeted quietly as he walked towards the hospital bed, easily dodging all the wires and such. After all, this wasn’t his first time visiting someone he cares for in the hospital. “Can you hear me? I hope you can - or not Fushiguro might lecture me for being loud.”

The other sorcerer couldn’t even find his voice whilst Yuji continues on; his voice soft yet soothing as he looks down at his senpai with nothing more but a soft smile. “I know you’re trying your hardest go come back to us, and you’d probably tell us that we’re not the ones to blame. That you’re a big girl now, and things like this happen all the time.” Yuji continues, the only indication to his change of mood was the slight quiver that was hard to hide. Yet Yuji continued on anyway. “I hope you know we miss you...and we’re worried sick that you’re in the state you are now. But I know that you need some time to rest up, and soon you’ll be back on your feet again, right? ‘Cause..b-because that’s how you’ve always been.”

Silence enveloped the room once more, with Yuji just not sure on what else to say to her as he stared at her pale face. The other three in the room sort of just huddled together, all of them unsure of what to say to her. They weren’t the best with emotional words - beside Toge, who usually doesn’t use words at all - so asking them to keep their tone in check whilst referring to their unconscious classmate is a little too much for them.

So after awhile Yuji decided to lead them out of the hospital room, giving Gojo a parting smile before he closes the door behind him. Leaving him alone as he stared at the slumbering figure of his student as he rests his elbows on his parted knees. Quietly he rests his head in his hands, eyes closed as he tried to push back the light migraine that was coming on. He hates that it is his duty to break the news to the others - her parents, her elders. Heck, he has to give a call to Nanami and Utahime to tell them the bad news. 

If it was anything else, he wound be more than excited to blow their phones up. But this? He wishes that the duty was handed to someone else - because he himself doesn’t even believe that this was happening in the first place. 

He wishes that this was all just a terrible nightmare.

Maki quietly pushed the window open as she climbed in from the roof, the doors of halls of the infirmary long going silent; cicadas chirping away in the night sky. Maki quietly stuffed her hands into the pockets of her hoodie, eyes racking over Y/N’s sleeping form, to the amount of machines that were working by her side to make sure that she’s alive. “Hey, idiot...I’ve arrived.”

Quietly she made her way towards Y/N’s bedside, her eyes clouding over with an unreadable emotion. If she was being honest, she didn’t know how to react right now. On one hand, she was pissed - she is pissed off because she could have done something to help Y/N. Maybe if she was just faster, just a bit more aware, maybe if she was training to try harder. Maybe if she can just try harder-

A loud slap sounded across the room, Maki having pulled her hand out of her pocket to slap across her cheek hard to snap out of the spiraling thoughts. The burning sting on her cheek reminded her to return to reality before she started to trash the room out of anger, something that she and Y/N had been working on for some time now. Y/N would always say, “You should never turn to anger and violence to deal with your issues!”

Maki wonders what her reaction would be if she had saw Maki slapping herself so hard that there was a light handprint on the side of her cheek. “You’re so annoying, you know that?”

With a tired sigh Maki settled down in the seat that Gojo had occupied earlier in the day, keeping her eyes on the steady heart monitor; her eyes following the spike that indicates the faint heartbeat of Y/N. “Who the hell knew that it took an entire building to really get you hurt.” Maki sigh as she tore her eyes away from the screen, looking down at her boots quietly; examining all the scuffs and scratches on marring the smooth leather. “Call me stupid, but I really thought that it’d take more than that. Remember when you had jumped out the window of the 10th floor and left with no more but a bruise? You were crying about it ‘cause you couldn’t wear dresses for about 2 weeks.”

Maki let out a tired laugh at the memory of finding Yuta trying to reassure a crying Y/N when she found the bruise on her knee; Yuta just patting her head with the most amused look on his face whilst she cried her eyes out at the idea that she can’t wear her cute dresses until it cleared up. “Imagine what will happen when you wake up from this? God, that is going to be a pain.”

A soft sigh left Maki’s lips as she glances over at the stuffed sheep that Yuta had brought from her room; along with a few more random stuffed animals that surrounded her head like a halo. This caused her to smile sadly as she rests her head on her shoulder, watching her for a few minutes without saying anything. Maki had always been bad with words and emotions; with all the things she had gone through when she was younger. Wording how she feels and emotions are not Maki’s favourite thing to deal with, since she wants to keep this badass, strong woman front she has on all the time to prove something to her elders.

“You better wake up from this, or not I am going to kick your ass.” Maki mutters after a few moments, getting up with a tired sigh before she casts her another glance at Y/N. Without missing a beat, she reaches over to brush strands of hair away from her face, warm hand resting on her head for a few moments before she places a few parting pats on her head; something she had always done when she needs to leave for a mission or a meeting outside of school. 

“‘Night, brat. Wake up soon, okay?” Maki mutters, and with a final sigh she made her way towards the window she climbed in once more, quietly shutting it behind her after she hauled herself over the railing. It was only in the dead of the night that Maki quietly lets her tears fall, biting her lip hard to stop whatever sounds that were threatening to leave her lips. 

Because at the end of the day she is stubborn, and refuses to believe that this might be her new reality.

A week had passed since the day that the others found out that Y/N had fallen into a coma of a sorts, and everyone would visit at least once just to see if there is any sight of change. That there might be a sign that she was going to wake up soon. And there were slight changes; a few days after she had been admitted she was allowed to get off the ventilator and rely on oxygen instead. But she was still in bad shape.

Nanami tries to make time to drop by to visit as well, coming over to quietly read pages of the book that he was reading. Whenever Y/N was sick, she would call Nanami over the phone and ask if the man can read to her; something about how she finds comfort in his voice that puts her at ease. And since Ieiri had encouraged them to talk to her more for stimulation, Nanami takes the time to read to her after a long day of work. It brought him some comfort as well, listening to the constant beeping of the heart monitor and the humming of the other machines around her.

Gojo would sometimes drop by as well, only to berate Nanami for his ‘boring’ book choices; and an unconscious Y/N has to endure two adults arguing about book choices and how Gojo’s titles are definitely not appropriate to even bring onto school grounds.

Besides the occasional argument, sometimes Gojo will prop his phone up against a vase of flowers that Yuji brings so that Utahime can FaceTime him; the students from the Kyoto side being able to see and talk to the slumbering Y/N. For the most part, everyone was shocked that she was in the state she was in; having never expected such a bright and talkative person can fall into such a state.

The most distraught one was definitely Todo, who had almost jumped out of his seat and make a full on dash towards Tokyo if it wasn’t for Noritoshi and Mai joining together to restrain the man, along with Principal Gakuganji threating to hold him back from their planned trip to Tokyo the following week that had him calming down.

But barely - the man is still more than ready to just up and run across the country just so he can be closer to his ‘beloved Y/N-chan’.

Every day, without fail, Toge will come into her hospital room with a new accessory to pull her hair back into; carefully brushing her hair out and applying dry shampoo so it wasn’t greasy to the touch. Once he was satisifed he’d carefully style her hair back so it didn’t get in the way of her checkups, taking his time with everything so he gets to spend more time with her. He doesn’t say much, he usually finds that doesn’t whenever he is around her; so he takes his time when he does her hair in hopes that she can feel that he is there for her.

Yuta and Megumi will find time after classes to go and visit her together, telling her about everything that had happened whilst she is asleep. Sometimes Nobara will visit as well, must for the most time she’d come alone in the evening after dinner to just rant to her about everything that she found annoying that happened over the day. Nobara usually stay until Ieiri comes to kick her out, hoping that Maki might come in as well to visit Y/N.

But Maki never does - yet everyone knows that Maki finds the time in her day to go and visit her like everyone else. However, no one dared to ask her how or when she does it. They’ve accepted that it was probably a sensitive subject to her, and that it’s off limits to ask her unless you want her to ignore you for the rest of the day. Gojo had learnt it the hard way when he had teased her, only to be thrown out the window of their classroom by an annoyed Maki.

Even his Infinity is no match for that woman’s wrath.

Days soon led into weeks, with slow but not so encouraging signs of improvement from the young girl. The elders of her clan and her parents had visited the college as soon as they can, and had kept tabs with every single thing that is going on with her. There was no denying the fear of her suddenly relapsing once more, and soon it will become too much for her parents to bear. The idea of keeping Y/N around, knowing that she is in so much pain, just for their selfish want of keeping her alive was a reality they want to avoid. 

The once vibrant and lively campus soon turned gloomy; the hallways of the school quiet without the familiar sound of bunny-themed slippers running across its worn-out flooring. The chime of a familiar giggle was missing in the air, along with a dreamy voice that just never seems to stop; no matter what time of the day it is. There were days where the others forget that Y/N was not there to make dinner for the night, or she wasn’t there when they want to ask her opinion about something. Her room, which once served as a sanctuary for the students who can’t sleep at night, now became too painful to even walk past on certain days.

Yet everyone tried their hardest to go on with their days, knowing that it was what Y/N wanted them to do. If they were to allow their grief to consume them whole, they knew the delicate routine they had rebuilt would crumble before them. And if there is one thing they can do to keep Y/N’s memory alive, is to live their lives to the fullest. To try and cherish each and every day, no matter how painful reality is without her by their side.

They have to try, for her sake.

It wasn’t until a month passed when Yuta had came running into the lunch hall, looking like he had seen a ghost as he tried to catch his breath. “Okkotsu-senpai?” Megumi asks in concern as he looks over at the older man, putting his tray down to try and give his panting senpai a hand. “Are you-” He asked, only to have Yuta put a hand up to stop him as he took a few deep gulps of air.

“A-Awake...Y/N...Y/N is awake.”

Within a few seconds the students were sprinting across campus, none of them believing what Yuta had said until they have see it for themselves. What is usually a 10 minute walk from the lunch hall took about four minutes with them sprinting, possibly annoying half of the cleaners of the school that they were breaking the no running rule. Yet they didn’t stop even at their annoyed outcries, the simple wooden door of the infirmary almost coming off its hinges at how hard Maki had thrown it open.

Maki was the one who pushed the hospital room door open, causing the people in the room to jump in shock. Including Y/N, who had let out a soft squeak of shock; her voice hoarse from not using it for so long. The others blinked in shock at the sight of Y/N’s bright eyes meeting theirs at the doorway, ones that blinked before she gave them the biggest smile she can muster.

“H-Hi.” Y/N mumbles softly, to which Nanami just gave her a rare smile as he gently rubs her back, Gojo smirking softly as he recorded the reactions of the others by the door. He had gotten over the shock a few moments ago. “Don’t strain yourself, Y/N-chan. Remember what Ieiri-sensei said about straining your voice.” The blonde man hummed before he turned his blue eyes over at the shocked students as well. “And that goes to you too. If you all stress her out, I am not against tossing you all out.”

Y/N made a noise and turned to try and reassure the older man, not noticing how the others were staring at her in shock. The first person to move was Maki, whose eyes look suspicious wet as she stormed into the room. “I am going to kill you.” She growled out loudly, to which Y/N jumped before she held her arms out for protection; feeling a shiver of fear go up her spine. Yet before she can make a move to stop her, Maki suddenly wrapped her up in a hug, the arms that Y/N held out to try and pacify her angry classmate freezing from the unnatural reaction from Maki.

Y/N blinks for a few moments before she smiles softly and wraps Maki up in her arms as well, gently patting her head as Maki silently wets her shoulder with her tears. “I know.” Y/N mumbles out softly before her eyes met the others, giving them a soft smile as she gently gestures to the others to enter her room. Soon there was just a huge ball of crying teenagers hugging one another on Y/N’s hospital bed; Gojo and Nanami having moved aside to give them more space for their reunion as they watched on from the other side of the room. “Should we stop them?”

“Nah, we might get murdered if we try.” Gojo said with a hum as he grins over the sound of intelligible crying, looking over at Nanami who had a ghost of a smile on his lips at the sight. “Besides, this is great content. I never had a video of Maki crying before.” Gojo admitted, to which Nanami’s smile dropped as he looked over at him in annoyance. 

“Why am I not surprised at all?”

© roscgcld — all rights reserved to me, rose, the author and creator of these works. do not repost/translate/claim my work as yours on any platform

[parkers-gal]

why T.H.

wc: 6k (angst)

jerk!tom makes an appearance

You were angry, that was for sure. Tom knew why, it was his fault after all, but he'd never admit it. He would never 'man up' to you and just apologize like he should. At least, not when he should, but he would later, when the damage was already done and set in.

Truth be told, you were furious. How could he do that when he promised not to? You were more hurt than angry, if you were being honest. You didn't want to be the 'mother' but quite frankly, you were disappointed too.

It was your dream to own a bakery, but a bakery in London was something to get your hopes up. Dreaming big never ended well for you in the past, but after years of working your ass off, you had managed to achieve something you had wanted since you were young.

Your bakery, Flour Before Frosting, also happened to be where you met Tom, your boyfriend of almost 18 months. He had walked in one day, charming with a dashing smile, and asked for "your best made velvets, frosted with your number." You remember that day vividly, for it was one of the many times Tom would drop by before eventually taking you out and officially making you his girlfriend. Eight months and 17 days later, you moved out of your crappy flat and into his house (though it really just made things easier because you were already over every night).

You were in your shared bedroom, writing down new plans for how to decorate your bakery for the holidays.

"Hey, babe!" Tom called.

"In here, Tom," you yelled back.

"Oh- hey, luv. Got an old friend visiting next week, so I won't be by for our Wednesday lunch plans," he informed you.

"Oh, okay. Do you want some cupcakes and tea? Gonna have a new batch on Tuesday, fresh with new tea that Jackson just got. I think he made it- anyways, he gave me a sample a few weeks and I absolutely loved it. I think you'll like it too, it's just right for you." You rambled, and Tom laughed and shook his head at you.

"Yeah, darling. I'd love some cupcakes for my guest, gonna have to show off your amazing skills, aren't I?"

You blushed, waving your hand in the air as a hint for him to leave so he would stop flustering you. He ran over to kiss your cheek, leaving a Hershey kiss on your desk before yelling out that he'd be at the gym with Harrison for the next two hours.

Wednesday had come by, and you were on a lunch break, leaving Jackson in charge before heading to your favorite café for coffee and some light reading, and maybe even more planning. Heading in, you ordered and sat down in a booth. The door chime rung, making you look up from your papers and notebooks you had spread out to start your organizing. Tom, and what must've been his friend, walked in. You smiled as they went to the side of the restaurant with the small library of old, vintage books. They were facing away from you, sitting side by side in the angled lounge chairs. You were about to go over to and say 'hi' but your waitress came by with your coffee, so you stayed seated and went back to your work.

You saw Tom with the Tupperware box you gave him, enclosed with the small lunch note you always wrote him. He opened the box, giving a cupcake to the man talking to him (you were right in earshot), before reaching in for his, and the note. Before he got the chance to even look at it, his friend spoke up, frosting on his upper lip.

"You said these were made by a friend? This is fucking disgusting. Is it chocolate or..? Damn, ew, is this frosting healthy?" he laughed.

Tom nodded along, "I, uh, honestly couldn't uhm.." he trailed off, his friend looking at him with a confused expression, expectantly thinking for Tom to agree with him. "Yeah, man, I don't really fucking know."

His friend took another small nibble before playfully gagging, and looking at Tom while he bit into it for the first time. Tom reacted in the same way, 'gagging', to agree with his friend, before putting it on the table with his friend's cupcake.

"Who made that? Certainly wasn't Gordon Ramsey."

At this, Tom laughed. Whether he thought it was funny, or if he was just trying to ease the tension, you couldn't tell. You were too busy blinking tears away.

"You said you had tea?" he questioned Tom. Tom nodded. "Good, need something to wash away that disgusting thing people call a cupcake."

You cringed, turning your head to the side with squinted eyes because you truly couldn't sit there and listen to what someone thought was wrong with your life's work.

Tom didn't reply, just getting the tea in the thermoses in his bag, handing one to his friend while opening his. You were contemplating on if his lack of response was a good thing. On one hand, he wasn't completely encouraging the hate you were getting, but on the other hand, he didn't stick up for you either. Right now, that was all you could think about. But then, everything slipped your mind when both boys tried the tea you had specially made (early, for it wasn't to be sold in your shop for about another month) just for them.

Tom opened his thermos, smiling when he took a sniff at it, because you were right. It smelt like something he would love. His friend, however, would not agree. Taking one sip, he was just as rude about it as he was with the cupcake, going as far as spitting it back into the thermos.

He got up, taking both cupcakes with him, and dumped the thermos out in the trash can, the cupcakes following not long after. He sat down next to Tom, shaking his head with a coy grin before speaking.

"Next time, let's get Chinese or something," he laughed, Tom nodding along with him before slipping both thermoses back into his bag, dropping your note in the process. Before he got to pick it up, his friend crumpled it up and threw it towards the trash can, laughing probably a little too loudly about it. You were certain he knew it was a note from Tom's girlfriend. 

You were still for five minutes, stunned. Ultimately, you decided to cut your lunch break short, packing up your stuff as quickly as possible, leaving a tip and rushing out, your back to the boys.

You had yet to bring anything up, though you weren't noticeably acting different around Tom. But when he mentioned the next week that his 'old friend' wanted to "eat dinner and get drunk" you were hesitant. You hoped this 'friend' was temporary, because the effects were already starting to show, and you didn't like what they were.

Tom didn't tell you when he'd be out with, Andrew, he said his name was? but you didn't think it would be the immediate week after the cupcake incident.

You were sitting on the kitchen stool, jotting down ideas for your shop when he came in.

"Oh, Y/N! Andrew and I decided to go out this Friday, said something about clubbing or shit. Anyways, he said don't expect me home early, but I might sneak away if he's drunk enough," he said, rather quickly, for while he was talking, he was filling a water bottle and grabbing some fruit.

"Wait, this Friday? I thought we-"

"Thanks, Y/N! Gotta head out," he was practically yelling, running to kiss you on the cheek before racing out and slamming the door shut.

Did he mean this Friday? His only day off for the rest of the month, the one where you two planned a film night, with take away and late night talks and star walks in the park?

It was only eight o'clock on a Wednesday morning, your late opening day, but you decided to head in early. Walking in, Jackson had already opened for you, being the gentleman he is, just setting up for the day, knowing you didn't want to walk in to a store full of customers without being there. He was sitting at a window table with his boyfriend, Jeremy, giggling and eating a muffin. When the door chime rung, he looked up, his boyfriend turning around to smile and wave while Jackson was coming towards you.

"Hey, Y/N! We're a little short on shortbread today," he laughed at his pun, "so I put in a new batch about 20 minutes ago. The chalk board is set up and the cappuccino machine is on-" he was about to turn away before he stopped abruptly. "Oh! And Tom stopped by while I was in the back. Jeremy said that he wanted you to know something about not eating cupcakes for this new diet? I don't know, he mentioned something about Anthony telling him about some diet that would help fo-"

"Andrew!" Jeremy cut in from behind, correcting him.

"Right, Andrew told him it would help for his job. So he said to stop making his weekly order."

"Oh," you weren't quite sure what you could say. Thank you? What the fuck? It was all jumbled into your brain too fast. "Thank you, J. Well, guess we should open shop for the day." With that, you worked until seven-thirty, an hour later than you usually would.

Arriving home, you walked in and set your bag down, heading for the kitchen to get water. Mid-drink, Tom walked in.

"Why are you home so late?"

You swallowed, placing the cup down, "I was working," you deadpanned, maneuvering around him so your shoulder wouldn't hit his on your way out. He followed you into the living room.

"It's almost 8!"

"Yeah? I don't know what you want me to say, Tommy. I'm sorry? I'll tell you what you want to hear, but that doesn't mean I mean it. "

He was silent for a second, laughing slightly, seemingly letting it go. You weren't joking, but you didn't want to argue, yet. "Right," he laughed again, "Sorry. I did want to talk to you though."

"We are talking."

"Smartass," he joked. You giggled slightly. "I've got to go back to press next week. I leave on Tuesday." You stopped laughing. 

"For how long?"

"I'm always gonna be away for the same amount of time, Y/N, you know that. I'll be back mid October." 

October? It was only the beginning of April.

"Well, I'll be back in London for a few days in July so you'll have that. Press ends around September, but I need to finish up Chaos Walking. I'll be here for Halloween though," he smiled encouragingly.

You nodded. "Okay.. do great things, Tommy," you always told him.

Friday rolled around, and you you were going to close the shop early for your night with Tom, but he was going out, so your plans were out the window. Instead, [your best friend] would be coming over at around eight. Tom would be gone by that time, right?

It didn't matter, because he wasn't even home when you got back from work. It was barely seven, you two usually had dinner together. Well, not this past week because he had plans with Harrison, and his brothers, and Andrew, and Tuwaine...and practically everyone else. Seeing as you had about an hour, you decided to shower, changing into some casual clothes. Tom was going clubbing... he wouldn't be back before 4 A.M., right? You didn't care, [your best friend] would spend the night anyways. You had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

You were wearing a cute tank, your favorite sleepwear, and some loose sweat pants. You were drying your hair with a towel when the doorbell rang. It rang again, so with the towel in your hand you ran down the stairs, yelling, "just a second," but it rang again. You swung the door open, confused, because [your best friend] always came in unannounced because you two were completely comfortable with each other. Instead, you were met with the boy from the cafe, Andrew. You looked around, and saw Tom's car parked by the curb, Tom waiting in the driver's seat while talking to someone in the back.

"Hey, Tom texted you or- whatever. We're going clubbing, can you get his stuff?"

"Uhm.. stuff?"

"Yeah.. he said you'd put his stuff inna backpack so he could get ready at my place," he answered confidently, as if you knew about this.

"I'm- uh, sorry? I don't have anything," you answered.

"What?" his eyes were wide with annoyance and disbelief.

The car honked, and Andrew turned around, shrugging his shoulder and mouthing something to Tom, before Tom came out and up to you.

"Didn't you get my text, Y/N? About the stuff sitting on my dresser?" he asked, straight up without so much as a 'hello' or 'how're you?'.

"No, I- no. No I didn't get your text, Tom."

"Well-"

"Well?" you interrupted.

"Thanks for, nothing I guess," he responded, moving past you and into the house to retrieve his things. Once again, you were left with Andrew on your porch, only this time he was eyeing you up and down, winking at you before yelling to Tom and going back to the car, Tom following not long after. This time, he didn't even bother saying goodbye on his way out. Just as they drove off, [your best friend] walked up.

"What the hell was that?" she shrieked.

"What?"

"That whole, 'thanks for nothing' bullshit. What kind of boyfriend thinks he can say that to his girlfriend?!"

You started heading in, taking one of her bags with you as she followed you inside. Placing her things down, you turned around, giving her a bear hug which she gladly returned.

"It wasn't that bad. Besides, he's been worse this week," you explained.

She was silent for a moment, shaking her head before talking. "Okay, I see why you called for a girl's night on such short notice. C'mon, lets get changed into some pajamas and get the snacks ready. It's been far too long since we've had actual time with each other," she gave you a sentimental smile, soft and sweet. You nodded, already planning on what to get and where to make the fort of blankets you already knew she wanted.

About half an hour later, she was in comfortable clothes, and you were in the kitchen making hot chocolate, getting chips and dip and pretzels and candy and everything in between. You had both decided to use the guest bedroom, which was accompanied with it's own bathroom. The room was probably a little smaller than the master bedroom, which was normal, but the bathroom was more expensive than yours. Plus, this one was used when the boys came over, so the Xbox, all the video games, movies, and the music equipment was here. Even with all this expensive stuff, the room was still as big as ever, so putting a fort in front of the bed barely took up any space.

You had to make at least three trips for all the food and stuff you were bringing, and because this was a guest bedroom, it had a mini refrigerator. Both of you decided to keep it pg-13, no alcohol or rated-R movies. Tonight, it was a Disney marathon with hot cocoa. At around 11:30, you had just finished your third movie, Beauty and the Beast, when [your best friend] stopped the ending credits and turned to you.

"Before we watch anything else," she turned to you while you did the same, "let's talk. We can fall asleep watching Disney, but we can't fall asleep and keep talking," you interrupted her, laughing, before nodding away. "So.. what's going on? With Tom, I mean, because you mentioned that he was worse earlier this week than he was today, and tonight he was pretty nasty so I mean- yeah, what else has he done?"

You paused, looking down and sighing, giving in. "Well, it started with Andrew, some 'old friend' he wanted to catch up with. I gave Tom some cupcakes and tea from the shop to eat with him. I was on my lunch break when the boys came into the same cafe and started eating. They didn't like it and- well.. they sorta threw it out after gagging about it," you said. Her eyes went wide. "I don't know, [best friend's nickname], I mean at first I was stunned, hurt obviously because it seemed to be on purpose because Tom knows I always go to that cafe on my lunch break. Is it a coincidence that he came to the same cafe at the exact same time I have my lunch break?"

You went on to explain how Tom had cancelled two dinner dates and a movie night within the past two weeks, and that he was going clubbing without inviting you, cancelling his weekly cupcake order and calling you clingy after you texted him about making sure he ate dinner. Not to mention he only just mentioned him leaving next week on a press tour, and spending his only day off with Andrew even though you two had planned spending that day together for a month.

By the time you were done listing off all the reasons, you were sobbing into [your best friend's] chest, trying to catch your breath. It was too late though, because Tom wasn't here and the events leading up to an attack like this could have only been noticed by him, seeing as [your best friend] wasn't here to see them herself. You couldn't hear anything, your pounding heart being the only thing filling your ears. [Your best friend's] attempt to calm you down wasn't working, resorting to the breathing exercises which were slowly drowned out. You could't even get a breath in. The realization hit you: if you didn't take control, you would faint. You had never had an attack this intense in at least four months, so everything needed to help you would take too long to get.

You gripped her arm, unable to focus on anything except for the fact that you were going to faint.

"I'm here, Y/N, I'm right here. It's going to be okay, right? We're gonna work things out. Yeah? Everything's gonna be alright. We're gonna be alright. We'll be alright," she cooed.

You blacked out, only for about two minutes, but you did. When you woke, you sobbed again, finding a steady breath before completely crushing [your best friend] with a hug, gripping her tightly.

"Thank you," you whispered.

She got you settled, convincing you to snack lightly before brushing your teeth, making sure you drank water. The fort was ready, untouched since your movie marathon, so you both climbed in and fell asleep watching Disney.

Four hours later, it was four o'clock in the morning, and the front door slammed shut.

"Y/N!" Tom slurred, dragging out the last syllable of your name. "Y/N!" he repeated, the same way but louder. "Where the fu-! OH! OW!" he screamed.

You and [your best friend] were already starting to sit up, confusion spreading across your faces before she got up, following her directly after. She opened the bedroom the door, and you stepped out, making your way down the stairs and seeing Tom sitting on the ground, missing a shoe with a rip on his shirt sleeve.

"There you are! I wus at the club a-and Andrew and I were hanging out and he took home some girl- he said if he was getting laid that I should come home and get laid by my lame-ass girlfriend, so come here! Fuck me!" he slurred, talking too loudly for your liking.

"Did you just call her a lame-"

"Tom, you're drunk. Go to bed," you cut her off, knowing how protective she would get. Honestly, you wanted her to scream and shout and yell at him, and you wanted to join her. But if you were going to, you wanted him to be completely sober so the guilt would really sink in.

"No wonder you're a lame-ass," he muttered.

"What was that?" [your best friend] yelled.

"Nothing! I'm going up to bed, see?" He looked at both of you before running up the stairs like a kid.

You both stood there, a little hesitant, before going up the stairs, talking on your way.

"Y/N, I swear if you hit him, you better knock some sense into him because that boy is so ridiculously stupid and undeserving of your love."

You laughed, growing quiet because you were beginning to think she was right. 

The next morning, you and [your best friend] got up at nine to make pancakes and bacon, your usual sleepover breakfast. The speaker was playing One Direction, both of you singing and slightly dancing when Tom came downstairs, disheveled and hungover.

It was Saturday, his last Saturday with you, but it had taken him too long to get interested in hanging out with his girlfriend. "Hey, Y/N. Wanna do something today?" he asked.

[Your best friend] looked at you, but you had already made up your mind. "Sorry, Tom, [your best friend] and I are going shopping together. Next time, though,"  you said, before putting your dishes in the sink and slipping out of the room, [your best friend] following you out.

That night, you and your best friend departed ways, telling her you'd call and let her know when she could come over again. You got home, and decided to put your new things in the guest bedroom, because your clothes from last night were still there. The mess, luckily, was cleaned up thanks to [your best friend], who convinced you to help with the cleanup.

It was nearly ten-thirty by the time you got situated. You were in a new set of pajamas, sitting in front of the tele in the guest bedroom on the floor, looking at all the new things you bought. You found this super cute sweater, and a pair of jeans [your best friend] insisted on buying for you. You also found a pair of shoes to go with an outfit you had planned in your head; it was perfect. People say your looks shouldn't matter, but you felt good when you looked good, so you loved fashion. Overall, you and [your best friend] must have spent at least $800.

At around 11, you heard footsteps running around the house, before Tom came into the guest bedroom.

"What're you doing in here? Aren't you gonna sleep in our room?" he looked worried.

You lowered the shirt you were looking at, making eye contact. You hesitated, "I- yeah... Yeah I guess."

"You guess?"

You just shook your head, trying to be playful with it, but ending up avoiding his gaze all together and going back to looking at your new things.

"Y/N?"

You looked up, "Yeah?"

He looked --  surprised almost? There seemed to be a glint of hurt in his eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked.

You nodded, getting up and setting the shirt back in its bag, "C'mon, lets just go to bed."

He mumbled an agreement, turning around and walking to your bedroom. You left the guest room, closing the door and going into your room. It was weird-- to even consider it your bedroom, because you hadn't slept in it for about three days. The last time you did, Tom wasn't with you. Was it normal? Did all couples go through things like this? You didn't have much time to dwell on the thought, because you were already under the covers, sleep consuming you before Tom got the chance to talk to you about anything.

It was almost noon when you woke up on Sunday. Rolling over, you felt Tom's side of the bed empty. The feeling of the cold sheets didn't come as a surprise to you, he was gone every time you woke up even though he didn't start filming until around 10 A.M. . It was different this time, because it was your last weekend together. He was always at home on the weekends he wasn't away filming. 

You pulled the covers off you, walking downstairs into the kitchen where you were met with Tom and Haz, quietly whispering things to each other. You didn't get to listen long, for both boys shot up and stood straighter, smiling to you. You just looked at them, slightly rolling your eyes before grabbing some juice and heading back into the guest bedroom.

When you came down ten minutes later for breakfast, both boys were talking normally again.

"Just talk to her, alright man?" Haz spoke.

"What am I supposed to say man? I can't just go up to my girlfriend and tell her I'm fucking pissed at how she's been ignoring me. Not gonna be rude like her-"

"Woah- woah woah, Tom. She's not that rude. Just have a civilized conversation with her. It's easy, you're just overthinking it."

"Okay.. okay, yeah- yeah," he stuttered, turning around on his heal but abruptly stopping when he saw you standing in the doorway. His jaw dropped, noticing your anger immediately.

"Maybe I should go-" Harrison started.

"No, no don't bother. I'll go, it's obvious you both want it."

You turned around, going up to Tom's bedroom and getting a change of clothes, immediately putting on your jeans and the rest of your outfit, before Tom came barging in.

"No- Y/N, I'm sorry. Please, let's talk," he begged.

You ignored him, getting some more clothes, enough to last you two days, before going into the bathroom for your makeup bag and some deodorant. Going back into the closet, you grabbed your work backpack, making sure all your notebooks and journals were in it, before shoving the things you had in to join them.

"Y/N, please. I-  listen to me, please. I'm sorry, let's just talk. Talk it through, yeah?" he asked.

You looked up, talking rather emotionless. "No. We can talk when we've both thought our shit through, although I thought it was only you who needed to get their shit together, but obviously I was wrong. I'll be back after work on Monday, if you're even here to notice." With that, you moved past him, grabbing your phone and texting [your best friend], picking up your keys from it's hook and heading for the door. Haz was standing in the living room, and when you passed him he gave you a sentimental look, but you payed no mind as you glared him down, opening the door and slamming it in Tom's face, for he was downstairs too late.

About 10 hours had passed since you left, and Tom had only thought about you for two of them. Andrew and 'the gang' had called him, insisting that him and Haz join them for some fun. Tom had reluctantly agreed, much to Harrison's dismay.

At around eleven o'clock, Tom had had enough 'fun'. The guilt in him was killing him, but his anger for you was killing him even more. Telling Haz he'd be heading out, he drove home, getting into bed and thinking about what you'd talk about when you got back.

Monday had passed, and you were doing better than you thought you would be. You opened shop about 30 minutes early that Monday morning, knowing it was better to keep yourself occupied. It was [your best friend's] week off, so she offered to come with you to work, and 'volunteer' almost. She had quite some experience in waitress-ing , so you gave her that job. Around noon, Tom came into the shop, and [your best friend] called out, "Incoming, [your nickname]."

You looked up from the cappuccino machine, turning around to face the door Tom had just entered. The minute you saw him coming towards you, you spoke. Luckily there weren't that many people around who didn't know you, so they didn't react when you yelled at Tom.

"Get out."

"I just wanted to-"

"Get OUT!" you yelled, louder when Tom didn't listen to you.

He moved forward, leaving a Hershey kiss near the cash register, looking to you for your reaction. You picked it up, and threw it to [your best friend], who unwrapped it and ate it herself. He left after she pointed towards the door.

When you closed shop, you decided to head home, seeing as he was leaving tomorrow and you had obviously thought a lot about what to do. The only option, really: talk it out.

Walking in, you placed your bag by the door and went to get some water in the kitchen. Tom was standing there, staring into space. He noticed you come in, and immediately stood up straighter, obviously becoming more aware of his surroundings.

"Are you- are we talking now?"

"I'm here, yeah. Let's talk," you answered setting your cup down.

"What's your problem?" he asked. You looked at him like he was crazy, so he went on. "I mean, these past few weeks, you've completely ignored me. And when you did acknowledge me, it was a rather rude encounter. "

"You think I'm rude?" he nodded, and you scoffed. "Well I'm sorry you think I'm rude. You wanna know what I think is rude?"

"Look, I'm sorry my being honest upset you. But nobody said the truth was nice," he interrupted.

"Tom, what the fuck?"

"I'm just saying! Out of the two of us, you're the one who has more problems!"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means that you are always the one who cries over shit, and gets upset at little things," he answered. You looked at him in disbelief. "What I'm saying is you're over-dramatic and too sensitive."

"Oh for fuck's sake," you started. "You just- you just don't know when to quit, do you?"

"You said to talk! I'm talking!"

"You're being completely unreasonable."

"Am I? Because all you've talked about is how you think I'm crazy. Do you even have anything to say?"

"Fine! You want me to talk? I'll talk. I've been rude to you because you are the one who let that man you call a fucking friend insult my life's work. You completely agreed with him, took in my hate and didn't even stand up for me!" You yelled. Tom didn't know you knew about that, and he was about to interject but you kept going, "And to make things worse, you kept seeing him! Every single fucking week, it was 'Andrew said this!' 'Andrew said that!'. You cancelled dates to see him! Call me over-dramatic, but when your boyfriend cancels a date on his only day off, I think most girls would be pretty fucking pissed," you walked out of the kitchen.

Tom was in the living room too, following you. "Yeah, well I'm sorry I cancelled our plans, but we live together. Don't you think we see enough of each other because of that?"

"Wha- what?"

"Think about it! We see each other all time because we live together," he reasoned.

"Yeah, I guess you're right,"

"See-"

"If you were ever around, I would see you a lot. But you're never around, so no, Tom, we don't see each other a lot. I work too, remember!"

"Not like I do," he mumbled.

"What?" you yelled.

"Nothing."

"No, Tommy. If you have something to say, you better fucking say it or so help me-"

"I said 'not like I do'!"

"What? Because I'm not some movie star with his head up his ass, I don't work hard?"

"My head's not in my ass, yours is! All I wanted to do was talk things out, not get fucking blamed for things that aren't my fault!"

"Yeah? Well all I wanted was someone better," you quipped back.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"What have I done wrong! Please, enlighten me! All you've done is complain about the stupidest things!"

"So my feelings are stupid, now?"

"Did I fucking say they were?" he yelled, voice raising as he stepped closer.

"Sounded like it to me!" you yelled, raising your voice to meet his.

"Just tell me! Do you have anything else to say?"

"You- you really are stupid, Tom."

"No, Y/N. I'm not. You are, not even telling me why you're so fucking angry at me."

"I'm angry because I had my first attack in months because of you. You! The person who told me he'd always be there to help me through one, not cause one. I'm angry because you go out without even bothering to ask if I'd like to join you. A-And then you just throw it at me that you're leaving for, what? Seven months?!  Not to mention you completely stopped eating things from my shop because of a so-called diet? And you're off with that Andrew guy, who eyed me like a pervert even though he knows I'm taken. You know how uncomfortable I am with that! And don't you dare say you didn't know, when you're the one coming home drunk telling me he's picked up another girl and telling you that you should go home and get laid too. God knows you'd listen to him if he asked you to cheat on me. Not to mention how you called me fucking clingy because I was checking up on you. You want me to stop making sure you're okay? You want me to stop caring?" you screamed. "Because you say the words and I will fucking back off for good. "

He was silent for a second, only missing a beat, contemplating on if he should apologize or keep fighting. Because he didn't want you to be angry, but he wanted to win. He needed to win. "Yeah, I wish you would back the fuck off. You're always on me!" he screamed. "And I get wanting to be affectionate, but you're just fucking sickening. Too much love."

That made you stop. "You think I'm loving you too much?" you asked quietly, and Tom looked at you, really looked at you, after hearing the change in your voice. You were quiet, practically whispering now. It wavered slightly, your eyes were glossy and red.

"I- I didn't-" he started, but it was no use. The damage was done.

He knew better than anyone about your past, which had caused a massive buildup in insecurities that were inevitably killing you. When you met Tom, he had promised to discard each and every one of your insecurities until you loved yourself as much as he did.

"No, you did. And you fucking know it." You were walking upstairs, getting yet another bag ready to last you until Tom left for his press tour.

"No, no Y/N, I'm sorry. Listen to me, baby. I didn't mean it," he begged.

"You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it," you said, choosing a few shirts to shove into your backpack. "Your intentions were pretty clear, Tommy. I'll stop caring for you, stop putting in effort for this toxic relationship. I'll stop loving you, because right now, it seems like loving you is the one thing wrong with me," you said, finding some pants and your makeup bag.

You were making your way downstairs now, "Y/N, Y/N please. Please I need you. I can't leave us like this- not when I leave tomorrow."

"What 'us,' Tom? There is no 'us' anymore."

"What're you saying?" he asked, tears finally falling from his face.

"I'm saying it's time I move on from you. Moving on means not having you. So, we're done," you opened the front door.

Tom stood in the doorway while you gripped the handle. "So- we- we're.."

"I'll be out before you come in July," you filled in. With that you slammed the door, driving to [your best friend's] house, while Tom sobbed on the floor in what used to be a home of two people who loved each other.

[nevertheless-moving]

Suicidal Misunderstanding XX

Part I - - - - - - - - - - Part XVII - - - - Part XVIII - - - - Part XIX

Star Wars Time Travel AU #27

“I want you to understand that what we’re going to ask of you is entirely beyond the scope of duty and therefore completely voluntary. You are more than free to refuse participation, at any point, with absolutely no consequences.”

Deep within the Healing Halls best-kept medical secret, Eights quelled beneath the full might of the GAR’s highest and most lauded Generals. Yeah I’m sure whatever they ask I’m going to want to say no. Honestly, what kind of soldiers have they been working with?

“What can I do to help, sir? Sirs?”

“I know this might be shocking, but we have reason to believe the GAR is...compromised.”

“Sir?”

Eights thought furiously. This wasn’t about the healers who were hiding them, or the Jedi his battalion never received, or the decommissioning he had escaped. This was bigger.

The General Windu spoke calmly, “We suspect that you may have been trained or conditioned at some point without your knowledge to unquestioningly follow orders, orders that would usually be beyond what you would typically obey. With your permission, we’d like to try and activate that order in a restrained environment in order to gain more information, with the hope of finding a way to help the troops resist.”

“I’m sorry, sir. I don’t understand. You’re just going to give me an order and ask me...not to obey it?”

General Koon nodded (General Koon! General Koon and General Windu were talking to him at the same time!). “In a manner of speaking, yes. But it’s possible that the order will do more than that. The only way we believe this could possibly work” Koon glanced to the man at his side. “And we...do believe this threat is real, is if you suffer from some form of brainwashing. Activating it might cause irreparable brain damage. Activating it might damage or kill the parts of you that make you you. Even if it doesn’t- the ideal scenario is we find something- an intentionally designed tumor perhaps- and surgically remove it. And brain surgery also has its own risks.”

Eights swallowed around a lump in his throat. 

“And this is something that could be going on with...my entire batch?”

General Kenobi winced. “The entire GAR I’m afraid. Every clone.”

The General of the 212th! Commander Cody’s General was here! Talking to him! Telling him existentially terrifying ultra classified intel!

The trooper stared up from bed in disbelief. If anyone besides three of most respected generals in the entire GAR (not including Buir Ti) was telling him this he would accuse them of bantha crap fear-mongering, if not outright treason. Instead he was just...outraged.

“What would the order make me...us...do?”

Windu took a deep breath. “Attack us. Try and kill the Jedi.”

“I would never.” Eights straightened up even further. “We would never betray the Jedi- it’s- never. We were made for the Jedi and even if we weren’t- you’re the only ones who treat us with an ounce of respect.”

“No one is questioning your loyalty,” the kind Mon Cal healer (whose name he had never asked for fear of getting her in trouble if this ward was ever discovered) said, obviously trying to sooth him. She spoke with heart-breaking earnestness. “The fact that you would never choose to obey such a command just makes the possibility of something forcing you to do so that much more horrifying.”

“How would something like that even get in our heads? The longnecks designed us to serve the Jedi, why... I’m sorry Generals. I didn’t mean to get out of line.”

“No need to apologize. You have every right to be angry about this intrusion, as well as any number of things,” General Kenobi reassured him, smiling sadly. “We don’t know to what extent the Kaminoans are involved with this plot. Not precisely.”

Eights nodded, clenching his one remaining fist. “I’ll do it. Whatever you need from me. I can’t let my brothers have something this big looming over them without any intel.” I’m not exactly front-lines material anymore anyway.

“Are you sure?” Mace Windu’s eyes seemed to stare into his soul. Eights stared right back.

“I am. When do we start?”

It didn’t take long to shave the soldier and connect a number of glowing vital readers to his skull. He was ushered into a chambered observation room with what appeared to be a sfaraday cage hastily built around it. 

“Alright, whenever you’re ready.” Bant (Master Eerin apparently, but she told him to call her Bant) said.

“I’m ready, sir.”

“Let’s start off small, see if we can learn anything without fully activating the order.”

General Kenobi took in a deep breath. He looked calm, but Jedi always did. The General took in another breath. Kriff, two deep breaths. That’s Jedi for freaking out, isn’t it? Right?

Fuck.

“Does Order 66 mean anything to you?” General Kenobi braced himself, staring intently at the trooper in his seat. 

Eights wracked his brain furiously. Sixty-Six...that was...

“It’s...a little familiar? Sorry sir, I feel like I’ve heard it somewhere but...I can’t recall.”

“That’s perfectly alright trooper, not to worry.”

A Twilek healer he didn’t recognize spoke into a micomphone from the other side of a transparisteel window. “His frontal lobe might be lighting up a little, but it’s nothing abnormal, and not enough to triangulate for anything intrusive.”

After several variations on the same question as well as a number of scans of different ‘levels,’ the questioning escalated to orders, as well an extremely uncomfortable mock fight that he would probably tell his grandchildren about, provided he survived today, and also was allowed to have grandchildren.

Still, Eights couldn’t quite recall ever learning an Order 66 and was starting to relax, thinking the whole thing was some sort of horrible separatist lie.

They left him alone for an uncertain amount of time before returning with-

“Quickdraw?!” Eights jumped up at the sight of his commanding officer arriving via hoverchair, nervously saluting with his left hand.”I didn’t know you were here!”

“Just got out of bacta. My spine’s not quite what it used to be after the blast,” the lieutenant responded wryly. “At ease, Eights.”

“Our apologies again for waking you prematurely,” General Koon said softly.

Quickdraw waved the General off. “I’m honored you did. For something as serious this- well I’d hardly forgive myself if I just slept through it.”

Quickdraw locked eyes with Eights. “I’m supposed to try giving you ‘the order’ now- General Kenobi suspects that as your superior officer, I might be authorized to trigger whatever the hell the longnecks put in our heads.”

Eights swallowed hard. “The longnecks, sir?”

“Who else?” Quickdraw asked in a tone drier than Jakku. He spun in the chair to face General Koon. “How are we doing this?”

After a brief discussion, the troopers ended up on opposite sides of a sound-proof transparisteel divider, an comm channel open between them. Eights plugged his ears and gave the order first. And giving Quickdraw an order was almost but not quite as weird as giving an order that would apparently make him try and kill Jedi.

Nothing happened and they swapped, this time with Quickdraw using a waxy covering to block his hearing.

His lieutenant stared at him straight through the clear divider and ordered him to execute Order 66. This time he finally remembered his training, and realized he was woefully outgunned. Oh well, he was a good soldier.

Eights stood up. The only visible change in his expression was a widening of his pupils. There was no malicious intent palpable in the force- he didn’t even look angry- just determined.

He lunged at the Jedi next to him, only to hit an invisible wall. He threw himself at the barrier desperately while the traitor backed out of the room and escaped. The wall finally dropped, but it was too late, he was locked in.

Sighing, he picked up the chair with his one good arm, slamming it repeatedly at the door frame. Good soldiers follow orders.

On the other side of the observation window, Quickdraw stumbled back horrified, reaching for his ears before hesitating. General Koon softly tapped his shoulder and indicated they should leave. 

“I’ve got a location.” Master Che said quietly as the lieutenant was ushered into an antechamber and the activated trooper continued to beat at the door. “It’s a small but clear patch lit up like the festival of lights- I don’t know why it didn’t turn up in scans but...I’m as confident as I can be. Worst case- it’s a small enough area that removing the grey matter shouldn’t...well it won’t kill him. It’s enough to go on for microscapel surgery.” General Koon nodded, then tilted forward, weight falling heavily in his palms on the counter before him.

Vokara rested a hand gently on his back “...I was hoping it wasn’t true as well.”

Master Koon flinched away. “I am sorry and glad to say you do not understand my feelings on the matter. I think...my apologies but I need some time to meditate.”

“Of course.”

Koon rushed out. After a moment Master Windu stepped in, radiating similar distress as Master Koon. Master Kenobi followed, looking grim but also happy. 

‘Oh I’m glad Koon isn’t around him right now,’ Healer Che thought wryly.

Perhaps sensing the mood, Obi-Wan sobered. 

“I’m sorry it’s just- I didn’t actually see the order get activated. Of course I believed it wasn’t a choice- and I’m obviously not glad that anyone’s will could be taken so easily-”

“You don’t have to explain anymore,” Mace offered quietly. “I can understand why seeing this would be something of a relief, all things considered.”

The Head Healer nodded in agreement before taking charge. “Kenobi, go in with Eerin and help her sedate him. I’ll prepare for surgery.”

“Wait- shouldn’t we try other permutations first? It’s possible that once activated, a clone might be able to order a superior officer-”

“And it’s also possible that if a lieutenant is activated, the entire army will turn,” Mace snapped. Obi-Wan bent his head, chastised. 

“Right. Yes. I’ll go- find Bant.”

An extremely long hour later, Master Che returned from surgery. Masters Mundi, Koth, and Yoda had left to and fulfill the other thousand and one duties of a council member not unravelling a Sith conspiracy at the heart of the Republic, while Master Aerdo had been dispatched to talk with Quickdraw as well as some of the other troopers in the hidden Medical bay. 

“It’s a chip,” Vokara said grimly. “Native biological material, but clearly a chip. Like you would find in a droid. Far more complex than any slave chip I’ve ever seen, and no explosive component. It would only turn up on a level five brain scan. I didn’t even think to run it before- it’s overly invasive and typically useless.”

The reduced meeting crumpled at the sight of the infinitesimally small object of control, carefully encased in a stasis slide and placed delicately on the conference table.

Proof of Obi-Wan’s future, a future that the group thought they already believed.

“We should get Master Nu,” Adi Gallia said quickly, “We’ll want our top researchers analyzing it as soon as possible.”

Koon nodded sharply. “Agreed.”

The Tholothian Master stood, “I’ll go at once- we should probably keep any mention of this off comms.”

As Master Gallia swept out of the room, Plo Koon wrenched his gaze from the stasis slide to face the healer. “Master Che, what is Eight’s status?”

“Unconscious and restrained, but he should wake up soon enough. It...might not be a bad idea to have another Jedi nearby when he does.”

Koon and Che left the room, taking the chip with them and conferring quietly.

Obi-Wan leaned forward, elbows on the table and face in his hands.

Master Windu exchanged a glance with Anakin. 

Finally Obi-Wan spoke, tentatively addressing Bant, “Could it be possible for someone...besides a clone to be chipped? If Palpatine had access to them as a child...”

Bant drew back, gaze flickering to Anakin. “I- we would have to study it more-”

Anakin interrupted, shifting in his seat. ”Master- what did I do?”

“It- it wasn’t you. It wasn’t you anymore that the person who fired on me was Cody.”

Bant exchanged a glance with Mace, before clearing her throat with a soft gurgle. “Perhaps we should leave the two of you alone to talk this through.”

The Mon Cala Healer stood and exited rapidly. Windu exchanged a glance with Skywalker before he left. “Talk through everything, understood?” Anakin nodded.

The door shut, leaving Master and Padawan alone. “I feel like I’m missing more than two and a half days,” Obi-Wan muttered wryly. “I don’t remember you three having a non-verbal communication system consisting of eye-contact alone before.”

Anakin chuckled once then immediately grew somber, picking at a loose thread in the sleeve of his robe. A thousand thoughts were swirling in his head, and he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“I- did I hurt you? Is that- is that why you stabbed me, you thought you were defending-”

“I did what?!” Obi-Wan paled, jumping up from his seat.

Anakin winced. “It’s nothing, that’s actually not important. I’m healed anyway so forget I mentioned it-”

Obi-Wan moaned, stumbling backwards over the fallen chair. “Of force- when you were trying to save me- I had a blade. I cut you down-” He tripped backwards, collapsing to the ground.

“Master!” Anakin lurched forwards, but the older Jedi scrambled back.

“I forgot my spray bottle in there,” Bant whispered outside the door. “Do you think it’s too late to go back for it?”

Mace peered subtly through the small window in the door. “Yes. They’re already on the ground. I think they’re both crying.”

“It’s been less than a minute!”

“Yes.”

“...We should go.”

“Yes.”

Unaware of their muffled audience, the two continued their conversation.

“Don’t- don’t touch me!” Obi-Wan gasped, back hitting a wall. “I don’t- I don’t deserve-”

The young knight reared back, falling from a crouch to his knees, “Is this...about the Tuskens again?

Obi-Wan blinked in confusion. “The Tuskens? What about Tuskens?”

“You don’t...remember?” The air grew cold and Anakin forced himself to continue, “What- what we talked about in the cave?”

“What we- I-” Obi-Wan thought furiously. “...Anakin. What did...what were you apologizing for in the cave? What- what did you think we were talking about?”

“Oh gods.” Anakin paled now, shuffling back.

“What are they doing now?” Bant asked the taller Master.

“They’re taking turns chasing each other back and forth on their hands and knees. They both look like they’re seconds away from passing out or throwing up.”

“I...is this a human thing?”

“No. What? Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know! Do you think this is how they usually talk to each other?”

“I think perhaps they don’t talk to each other, and that’s why they’re like this.”

“Right, right... I really want to hear what they’re saying.”

“Hm. I don’t.”

“Why are you also standing outside the door then?”

“I want to be ready to intervene if they start trying to kill each other.”

“FORCE”

“Quiet!”

“Sorry. Sorry. You think they fought then? In the...other timeline?”

“...It would explain Obi-Wan’s shatterpoint remnants better than anything else.”

“Not to mention the spice.”

“I thought we were politely ignoring the spice.”

“...and then I brought her back to the homestead for burial.” Anakin bowed his head, tears streaming against his will. “I thought...Master I know I can’t fix this but I’m sorry- I already stepped down from my position as General so I wouldn’t be in a position to kill anyone else- I need you to forgive me.”

“Oh Anakin.”

“What? What happened?” Bant asked urgently. 

The Master of the Order appeared unruffled in the force and human visible light, but the tips of his ears were heating up in infrared. She stood on her toes to see in.

“Oh- they’re hugging? Seriously? That’s what you’re embarrassed to see?”

“They’re clinging to each other like younglings. It’s undignified for a Jedi Master and Knight”

“Alright that’s it- we’re going. I really don’t think Anakin’s going to jump from crying and hugs to murder.”

Unaware of their newfound privacy, the two inside withdrew from their embrace, still sniffling slightly. 

“Thank you, Master,” Anakin said in a shaky tone. “I swear I won’t let you down, I’m going to do better.”

“I know, my padawan, I know. I’m going to be there to help you this time, I’m not going to leave you alone with- well I’m not going to leave you alone.”

Anakin smiled wetly at Obi-Wan’s careful avoidance of Chancellor Palpatine’s supposed Sith alter ego, refocusing on Obi-Wan and making intense eye contact.

“What did you think we were talking about?”

Obi-Wan looked down. “It doesn’t matter,” he whispered. “It- it never happened.”

“Ori’vod, please. You- you mentioned younglings. I did something else unforgivable didn’t I?”

Obi-Wan smiled but didn’t look up. “And i forgave you anyway. Even when I thought your apology was just a fantasy. But it wasn’t, it was real, and- and the people actually are unmurdered so...it’s not worth talking about it.”

Anakin bit the inside of his cheek, gut roiling. “You...really think I might have a chip in me?”

Obi-Wan’s eyes snapped up. “I...don’t know. I didn’t even know that Cody had a chip in him.”

“You just...were suddenly betrayed by everyone.” 

“Not...everyone. Most who refused to fall in line were executed, of course, but there were a few senators who stood with the Jedi, secretly.” 

A new wave of cold terror passed over Anakin. “What happened with the other senators?”

“Like I said to the council earlier, from what I heard they cheered Palpatine on. Thunderous applause.”

“That’s not what I mean- Padme, Was Padme alright?”

Obi-Wan buried his face in his hands, shuddering.

“Anakin- I don’t know what to tell you,” he said in muffled voice. “I don’t want to deceive you but- things were dark. If I tell you everything now, I’m afraid of what you’ll do.”

Anakin winced. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I’m not...evil. I just...I messed up, and I want to make things better.”

Obi-Wan sighed, and pulled Anakin so they were seated next to each other in a mirror of the false peace a few days earlier. Anakin leaned into his Master’s side, feeling the cold retreat. “You’re not evil Anakin, but what you did to the Tusken village wasn’t exactly a small thing. I- look- Ad’ika-”

Obi-Wan hesitantly placed an arm around Anakin’s shoulder and the cold retreated a bit more.

“If the council accepts my plan, we’re going to have time together over the next few weeks, to talk more about...everything. We’re going to end the war- save everyone. I know the cave wasn’t what either of us thought it was, but it still meant the galaxy to me. I love you, no matter what...and that conversation, what you said. Well, it gave me the strength to go on, to do what I needed to.” Obi-Wan froze. “Not my, um, self-inflected injuries- that’s- obviously that wasn’t your fault-”

“You thought you were hallucinating. I know.” Anakin smiled, feeling honestly amused at the absurdity situation for the first time. “I’m going to mock you for that for the rest of our lives, you know that, right?”

“I look forward to it.” Obi-Wan smiled.

A vise that had been clenched around Anakin’s heart since he broke down the door to their apartment finally relaxed. “You really weren’t trying to kill yourself,” he sighed happily.

“I was attempting to stay alive. Honestly concerned about dehydration. I wanted to stay in the daydream, but I knew I couldn’t. And part of that was because you gave me the strength to keep going. Sorry I did such a bad job honoring that but, well. You know. Thank you, Anakin. For saving me twice over.” Obi-Wan’s voice was utterly earnest, though it was a touch more embarrassed than he was used to after the single day of utter unrestraint. 

Anakin’s eyes welled up. “I’ve been- I hated that you would just leave like that, give up-”

“Never Anakin,” Obi-Wan vowed. “I will never give up on you, or this galaxy.”

He twisted so he could throw both arms around his padawan.

“I swear by everything I am I will keep going. It’s... in my nature but gods is it easier with you besides me.”

“Even though i’m a child murderer twice over and once removed?” Anakin joked weakly, clinging desperately to Obi-Wan’s presence.

Obi-Wan shuddered. “Too soon, Anakin. Too soon.”

Part XXI

[julemmaes]

Honey - part three

Elide Lochan x Lorcan Salvaterre roommates au

A/N: famous last words: I can finish this is in two hours. six hours laters and I feel like I’ve been beaten up by a gang of bigass old faes if you know what I mean.

IT CONTAINS SMUT, not suited for readers under 18

Please be kind I fucking hate my smut, if it’s disgusting just don’t comment on it cause I could hit my head on the wall several times

masterlist

Word count: 7,519

Aelin's scream was like a stab to the brain, "Get up you nasty little bitch!"

"Ace! Why don't you try with sweet Ellie?" retorted Lysandra.

Elide didn't even have the strength to open her eyes or move from the fetal position she was in, curled up with a pillow pushed so hard against her belly that she wouldn't have been surprised if it had somehow damaged her internal organs, "Please leave."

The two didn't seem to hear her.

"Sweet?" Aelin huffed, "But you did see her last night, right?"

Elide opened one eye, seeing that they had both sat down at the end of the bed. She felt the cracks tugging at her eyelid and grunted, pressing her face into the pillow. She wanted to die. And she wanted Manon to come and free her from those two supposed friends who she knew were about to remind her of her misadventures.

"Except for what happened before we left," Aelin winked, placing a hand on her foot. Elide withdrew it, not wanting to feel physical touch of any kind at that moment. "I would have been willing to break up with Rowan so I could get between Kyllian and you, honestly."

Elide grunted again, her voice muffled by the pillow. "I'm begging you girls, you need to get out before I throw up again."

And it was true, she would throw up if they didn't stop talking. Plus, Elide didn't care in the slightest what the drunk her had done. She hated her so much.

Lysandra giggled and she felt it as she climbed between the covers until she was settled next to her on the pillows, "Between her and Lorcan though, no?"

The cry of disgust that erupted from Aelin and the all too loud laugh from the other didn't make Elide register the words right away, but as soon as she realised what they had said, her stomach began to twist and turn, and not like when Lorcan accidentally brushed her hand or when he put his hand on her thigh during movie nights. Oh no.

With a movement she didn't know she had the physical skills to make, she shifted the covers off her body and launched herself into the hallway, slamming her hand against the bathroom door and throwing herself to the floor in front of the toilet before the highly concentrated alcoholic contents in her stomach spilled onto the floor.

As she vomited and Lysandra tied up her hair, massaging her back, Elide felt her heart break slowly. She wanted to turn around, to ask Aelin what had happened, or maybe not. She groaned as another gag shook her body and her eyes filled with tears once more as she puked what could only be alcohol.

"How do you still have stuff in your stomach?" muttered Aelin from outside the bathroom door.

Elide didn't blame her, vomit was disgusting and she was particularly sensitive to the sound of gagging. The only reason Lysandra wasn't the least bit uncomfortable was her younger sister Evangeline, who she had practically raised without anyone's help. Whatever came out of a person's body, their friend had already seen it in all shapes and colours.

Elide cursed herself for thinking such a thing while she was bent over the toilet throwing up, because it pushed her over the edge one more time and a sob wracked her body, "Fuck-" she managed to mutter between spits.

"I thought you weren't going to barf any more after last night," Lys said, continuing to rub her back.

"True," Aelin mumbled a little louder, "did you keep drinking after?"

Elide managed to turn her head towards the door, seeing that her friend was sitting on the floor just outside the bathroom. She grimaced as a gust of air that smelled like vomit reached her nose, "After what?"

"You and Lorcan left after you threw up," Lys explained to her. Elide didn't bother turning towards her, she didn't have the energy, "And you threw up so much Ellie, everywhere. It's weird that you have anything else to reject."

It wasn't weird at all considering the only thing Elide remembered was the amounts of alcohol she had ingested. She'd started just before seven with straight tequila, desperate to see how indifferent people were to the biggest catastrophic problems in human history, and everyone knew she couldn't handle alcohol even in small amounts. But Elide was also known to be the type who could drink for hours without ever feeling sick, if she now found herself bent over the toilet the next morning, it meant she had gone too far.

"I don't remember anything."

"It's okay, don't worry about it," Aelin said and Elide felt a shiver run through her body at the hint of mischief in her voice. She braced herself mentally to hear how much she'd actually whored out the night before, "We're here to fix the memory loss."

Lysandra made a disgusted noise as Elide flushed the toilet and the water stirred underneath them, but she patted her shoulders and pulled herself up, "You need to take a shower first though. Because you smell like death."

"Geez, thanks," Elide murmured as she began to undress.

The grin that appeared on Aelin's face made her hands freeze around the hem of her shirt. The other arched an eyebrow, looking into her eyes, "What? Lorcan is the only one you can flash?"

Elide closed her eyes, bringing her hands to her face and then let go a scream of frustration.

"Exactly."

Oh, god.

"I remember..." Elide scoffed, running her hands through her hair. When her fingers reached the tips, she was horrified to find they were encrusted with what was surely vomit from the night before. "Fuck."

Lysandra snickered beside her, "Why were you so drunk that you didn't realise what you were doing so damn early?"

Elide looked at her, and although she knew the question was only asked to tease her more, there was a note of concern in her tone. Her shoulders sagged a little and she shook her head, starting to undress undisturbed, "I set out to research a few things and the world is a shitty place and there was nothing I could do in the immediate future to save us all so I got drunk."

"Sounds like alcoholism," Aelin joked.

Both Lysandra and Elide laughed, "If you knew what I found out you'd get drunk too," the latter added.

"Send everything my way." the blonde winked at her, and then they went out, leaving her alone to wash away the sins of the night before and letting her mind travel. And Elide's mind travelled far too much as she racked her brains to remember Lorcan's reactions to a naked her.

After her friends had told her everything that had happened the night before. From her taking her clothes off in front of her best friend, to him getting stuck in their bathroom and calling Aelin for help, to her dancing with Kyllian specifically to make her roommate jealous - or so the drunk her seemed to have justified her actions - to Fenrys saving her from what was sure to end up being just casual sex that would only widen the gap between her and Lorcan.

Gap that apparently wasn't as pronounced as she thought.

Aelin and Lysandra had told her about the way he had pushed his way through the crowd and joined Elide on the dance floor. The way they had danced to one of their favourite songs until they had been on the verge of kissing.

Elide had never been so relieved to know that she'd thrown up on someone. And that her plan to attract Lorcan had worked.

She was cooking now, thinking about how bad it would have been for her to find out they'd kissed without having even the slightest recollection of it happening, when the front door opened and the boy who was the object of her dreams walked into the kitchen.

He stopped in the doorway, looking at her with the most emotionless face Elide had ever seen him wear.

"Hello, handsome." she murmured, continuing to cook.

Lorcan stood still in the threshold for a while without saying anything, as if to sort the situation out. Then, without taking his eyes off what she was doing, he took off his jacket and shoes and walked into the kitchen, "How are you feeling?"

Elide had her back to him as she washed some tomatoes, "Just a bit of a headache. I threw up again when I woke up, but other than that I'm fine."

"Did you drink some water? Had breakfast?" he asked her.

Elide shook her head looking at him, "I woke up after noon, Aelin and Lysandra came over." then frowned, "I think it's their fault I threw up."

Lorcan chuckled, "Sure, absolutely." then he gathered his hair into a messy bun and Elide focused on the way the muscles of his biceps tensed every time he pulled on the elastic, "It's not the alcoholic coma from last night at all."

Elide gathered some courage and taking a deep breath, said, "About last night-"

"We don't have to talk about it," Lorcan immediately interrupted her.

She looked up at him, trying not to show any emotion, trying to read his on that sculptural face that remained impassive. Then, seeing the way he was looking at her, she came to a conclusion.

She arched an eyebrow, plastering a grin on her face, "Does this mean you didn't like my tits?"

Lorcan turned red in the face before stuttering, "No. I mean, yes! No, fuck. Shit... I don't know."

Elide chuckled and began to dress their salad, "You've never seen a pair of tits before?" she asked knowing full well how untrue that was.

When she had moved into the flat, both she and he had had their own wild nights out where they brought home a different partner every weekend. On one occasion, Elide had been stunned when she came out of her room and bumped into a girl she had spent the night with a few weeks earlier. The girl had only bid her good morning, winking, before returning to Lorcan's room.

"No, it's not that," he muttered, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"So surely you'll have other samples to compare my boobs to and you'll be able to tell me if they're above average," she continued, prolonging this gentle torture.

He sat down, both elbows resting on the table, and rested his chin on his clasped hands. He looked into her eyes for a few seconds, then whispered, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making our lunch," she replied innocently.

She heard him breathe through his nose, "Why are we talking about your tits, I meant?"

"Uh," she smiled, casting him another quick glance, "I didn't think you were so grossed out that you can't even handle a conversation about them."

The frown on his face went deeper and deeper. He remained silent for so long that Elide thought he would never say anything again, that she would never get his thoughts on her breasts, but when she served the salad, sitting down in front of him, he finally spoke.

"It's not that," he repeated, looking away, "they're very nice. Balanced." he began to eat undisturbed and Elide grimaced in amusement, finding a way to keep the conversation going.

"Balanced? What are they? An economic system?"

Lorcan clenched his jaw, setting his fork down on his plate and looking into her face again. She knew she was playing a dangerous game, that she was risking losing her sanity, but she had to know, had to-

"They're perfect and, maybe they are because they're attached to you, but they're probably the most beautiful tits I've ever seen."

Elide's brain shut down. And he seemed to realise it too because the shadow of a smile began to form on his lips.

Lorcan leaned forward on the table and her eyes snapped to his arms. Fingers flexing, interlocking, caught her attention completely. She returned her gaze to his, feeling her body heat up as he resumed speaking. "If I'm going to be completely honest... If you want the details, Elide," the way he said her name made her most intimate part clench around nothing, "I've never seen such nice, small nipples and that pink?" he shut his eyes, moaning as he brought one of the tomatoes to his mouth and wrapped his lips around the fork.

Elide swallowed the mouthful that had been in her mouth for over a minute and nearly choked when he opened his eyes again and they were darker than normal if that was possible.

She looked away, too many feelings building up inside her, but crossed her legs, trying to relieve some of the tension there.

"Wasn't that enough, Ellie?" he asked in a rough voice, biting into an olive, making sure she saw the way his lips closed around it.

She swallowed again, "No, it was fine..." she cleared her throat when it came out too weak, "Thanks for the feedback."

Lorcan let go a throaty chuckle, "The pleasure is all mine."

***

Like every Sunday evening, the whole group had gathered at the twins' house. And that night everyone was there, although Vaughan and Vesta, along with Aedion and Sorrel, had gone out into the back yard a few hours ago and had not yet returned. Elide suspected they'd taken to smoking.

Those left in the house were playing one of the most popular games, "I feel like."

The game had no real objective, other than to embarrass people or get them to confess to extreme or obscene sexual acts. It was simply a matter of drawing a card, reading what it said and giving it to the person you thought had done the closest thing to what was described on the card. The only real rule was that you had to tell the whole story of what happened if the card you were handed told the truth.

Quite often the game would be interrupted because one of the two sides of the various couples would cheat, change the rules and instead of passing it on to the appropriate person, they would pass it on to their partner as an invitation to lock themselves in the first spare room they could find to experiment with what was asked by the game.

The cards could range from as basic things as "I feel like your first time was in a public restroom." to as a bit more hardcore as "I feel like you got fisted in the woods."

And in that moment, Elide had a strong feeling that Rowan and Aelin would soon be going home.

"Oh my fucking god," Rowan muttered as he read the words on the card, turning red from head to toe. He looked up at Aelin, swallowing and making his adam's apple bob, "Where do you even find these games?"

Elide giggled beside him, "There's a girl on the internet who updates the cards every month and puts them up for sale, we take turns to see who has to buy them each time."

"Oh god," he said shaking his head. When he slid the card in Aelin's direction, the girl leaned towards him to leave a soft kiss on his lips and when they broke away they were both smiling. Aelin read what was written on the card and for a second it seemed like the colour drained from her face, but then she blinked and cleared her throat, looking at Rowan with wide eyes.

"Maybe we should go away. To try it out." she murmured, so quietly that only those on the couch with them heard her.

Elide looked up at the boy next to her, or rather, behind her, to see if he was listening, but he seemed lost in thought. He had been absentmindedly stroking her arm since they had settled there, and Elide didn't think she had ever been so relaxed in her life.

She and Lorcan were sitting at one end of the sofa, opposite to Rowan and Aelin, her between his legs and with her back against his chest. Every time one of them laughed, their bodies moved closer together and now she had her head resting on the part of his chest between his neck and shoulder.

She was home.

Fenrys and Connall, across the living room, sitting on the floor, booed.

"You can't pass them all on to her!" complained Lysandra.

Aelin didn't even look at her as she spoke, her eyes always fixed on Rowan's, as if they were having a telepathic conversation, "Lys, shut up."

Her friend gasped, bringing a hand to her mouth.

"I say we vote to kick them out of the room," Asterin said, in exactly the same position she was in, but between her boyfriend's legs. Half the people in the room raised their hands to the sky, making Aelin roll her eyes.

Fenrys nodded, always ready to back Asterin up in whatever situation they were in, "It's starting to smell like Rowaelin in here."

Lorcan chuckled behind her, knocking her forward. And as the others lost themselves in the chatter, Elide shifted her gaze to Manon, who sat in the armchair next to the couch, one hand in Dorian's hair, who sat with his head resting on the armrest.

Her friend's bright eyes sparkled with malice as she arched an eyebrow and gestured to the boy she was practically sitting on. Elide felt her cheeks blush, but smiled naively at her, pretending not to know what she was alluding to. Manon smiled back.

Elide had never spoken openly to her about Lorcan, not in that way at least, but she knew Manon knew - in fact, now that she thought about it, she had never had to do that with anyone. Everyone had been rather quick to catch on that. Everyone except Lorcan.

The hand on her arm stopped, clinging completely against her skin and Elide had to force herself not to look at him, but then he lowered himself onto her and whispered in her ear, "Ellie."

She turned her head just enough to look at him and his lips brushed her cheek, so briefly that she thought she had imagined it. Lorcan had pulled back and was now looking into her eyes, "Your turn."

She blinked and turned towards the others, only realising at that moment that all eyes were on them. She felt her face burn, but she nodded, putting a hand on Lorcan's knee and pushing herself forward, rubbing her ass on the crotch of his trousers. She'd been doing this all night, all night teasing him, just as he was teasing her, brushing the side of the breasts from time to time.

And each time, Lorcan would burst into a coughing fit and move further back, which only gave Elide a chance to grind even harder against him in an attempt to regain the comfortable position they were in before.

As she settled back into her seat, she met Fenrys' gaze, who had a shit-eating grin on his face. She lowered her eyes to the maroon card in her hands quickly, shimming her hips between his legs. Lorcan's hands ended on her shoulders and she looked up at him, batting her eyelids like a fawn.

"Stop moving around so much," he grumbled.

She smiled gently and then took up reading. She hadn't touched alcohol that night, for obvious reasons, but she still found it hard to understand what was written there when Lorcan's fingers began to draw imaginary lines across her bare skin.

"I feel like..." she whispered, her eyes going wide. She looked across the sofa at Rowan.

The friend gave her a chuckle, "I told you they seemed a bit extreme."

I feel like you performed a titjob on someone while being eaten out.

Before she could realise what she was doing, she said, "Can I give myself the card or...?"

Dorian turned a quizzical look on her, "You know you have to-"

Fenrys shrieked something unintelligible, but that stopped Dorian. Manon above them clenched her hands into fists, her eyes half-closed at the sudden commotion, "I haven't killed you yet just because-"

"Yeah yeah, just because of Asterin, I get it," Fenrys replied moving a hand midair, his gaze never leaving Elide's, who in a moment of clarity realised what Dorian was about to say. What the blond said only served to confirm her fear, "But Elide just confessed to doing whatever is written on it and I want to know every detail."

She felt Lorcan stiffen behind her and then Elide realised something else entirely. He must have read what was written on the card.

"So?" pressed Aelin, leaning over Rowan and snatching the card from Elide's hands. She opened her mouth wide with an amused expression, then put on a pout, looking at her boyfriend, "These are the things I sometimes wish you'd be a little more open about."

Rowan arched an eyebrow, reading the card in turn, "We can do those two things at the same time and without anyone else having to see you naked."

Lysandra, next to them, picked up the card, "Oh, Aedion and I did that too. Although it was a normal blowjob, no titty job." she exclaimed happily.

One thing that pleased Elide greatly was the fact that no one in that room would judge her for what she did in the bedroom and who she did it with. Also because there was a high probability that they had done it too.

And slowly the card was passed among all the members of their group and when it reached Fenrys and Asterin, the girl winked at Elide, murmuring a sensual, "I've never done it, but I'm sure it wouldn't hurt." Fenrys winked behind her, intertwining their hands. Asterin's smile only grew wider, before she added, "You have our numbers."

Elide blushed, but smiled anyway, nodding.

Everyone began to talk about the various possibilities, as they did during every turn, and the card finally passed from Dorian and Manon and the two exchanged only a glance before giving the card to Lorcan.

Lorcan who was taking deep breaths one after the other and had his eyes closed. Elide had never seen him so focused in her life. She noticed the way he contracted and relaxed his jaw repeatedly and frowned.

Was he alright?

She ran a finger over his thigh to get his attention, tracing a line from his knee to where his leg touched her hip and Lorcan let go a shuddering breath, opening his eyes slightly and tightening his grip on her shoulders, "I don't think you should do that." his voice so hoarse and deep that Elide felt her stomach knot. She didn't understand what he was referring to.

And then she felt it.

Hard and... thick against her ass.

She opened her eyes wide, pointing them at him, and held her breath. She had to stop herself from opening her mouth in surprise, but she couldn't stop herself when her hips pushed against Lorcan's now obvious erection.

Elide had never been so happy to hear Fenrys' laughter as she was at that moment, because if it hadn't been for the sudden noise, the moans that escaped them both would have been heard all too well and neither of them would have been able to look at anyone else in the room for the rest of their lives.

Lorcan swallowed, breathing through his nostrils, and his gaze fell to her lips. Her eyes did the same and she didn't care that they were among everyone and would have everyone's eyes on them if they did exactly what Elide was thinking, because his lips parted slightly and he whispered her name and she was lost.

Without thinking about it for another second, Elide turned just enough to have her face directly in front of his and closed her eyes, feeling his lips brush hers. She released a breath she didn't know she was holding, "Lorcan,"

And then she kissed him, and it was exactly as she had always dreamed it would be, as his lips moved with hers and they tasted and breathed from each other. A sound that Elide had never made in her life rose up her throat as Lorcan shifted and with a sharp movement of his hips turned her fully towards him and now she was on her knees in front of him, both of them breathing heavily as they looked into each other's eyes.

Someone coughed in the room and she heard Aelin whisper a weak "fucking finally", but Elide didn't give a shit.

She placed her hands on Lorcan's face, tilting his head back so she could reach him better. The second his hands landed on her hips, their lips collided again in a fierce kiss and his tongue found its way into her mouth.

The first touch of their tongues was like having a thousand fireworks explode in her mouth.

"Okay, it's time to join the others," Manon murmured.

Elide heard Fenrys mutter, "Please not on the couch, there are guest rooms upstairs."

Lorcan pulled away from her just enough to see what was going on around them and her hands slid around his neck, ending in his hair as she admired the line of his cheekbones and the way his lashes caressed his skin every time he closed his eyes.

God, he was beautiful.

"Which one can we use?" asked Lorcan as he looked at Fenrys.

Elide's eyes went wide, causing him to turn towards her. She ran a thumb over his lower lip, smirking, "So sure of yourself."

Without missing a beat, Lorcan mimicked her grin and squeezed her hips, "You don't want to?"

Elide smiled, turning towards her friends, stopping to look at Fenrys, "The second on the left right?"

When the owner of the house winked at her, nodding, she stood up, pulling Lorcan with her, who had a confused look on his face, "Why do you know that?"

She had the decency to blush, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the stairs, "You don't want to know."

Lysandra burst out laughing as everyone resumed their seats on the floor or the couch, "You really don't."

Elide tugged at him more insistently, not looking at Lorcan's reaction to those words. She just wanted to get to the room and lock herself in with him.

When she felt his hand settle on her hip and slide down to her ass cheek, where he paused to give it a squeeze, she almost turned and slammed him against the wall just so she could continue kissing him how she needed to.

They arrived in front of the door and she stopped with her fingers on the handle, once inside there would be no stopping. There would be no point of return.

His fingers brushed her cheek and she turned to face him, who now wore a ravenous, excited look, but Elide could see the concern and hesitation in taking the next step, "We don't have to do anything, Ellie."

She nodded, because she knew that was the case, but squeezed his hand to emphasize what he said, "But I want to."

"Good thing, cause the thought of you fucking those two gave me some ideas."

She grinned, placing a hand on his chest, "I wasn't the one doing the titty work, but we can always try."

Lorcan groaned softly at the knowledge of Elide licking another girl and then pushed the door open, backing in and taking his-

Whatever Elide was at that moment to him, it wasn't important.

The only thing that was important was his lips on hers.

The difference in height wasn't making it easy for him, and when he leaned down even further, never breaking the kiss, to run his hands under her knees and pull her up, Elide seemed to understand that right away and, pulling away just enough to jump into his arms, they found themselves on each other in seconds.

Lorcan bit her lower lip, making her moan, and when he moved to her jaw, nipping lightly at her skin, Elide threw her head back, pushing her hips against his and drawing a groan from both of them.

He immediately took the opportunity to latch his lips onto the smooth, quivering skin of her neck, feeling the bed behind his knees and sitting up, letting her straddle him. His hands moved up her legs, caressing her inner thighs, but never really getting close to where she needed him most.

Elide began to grope his chest, grazing the skin of his arms, but never staying in one spot, until Lorcan began to suck at the bare skin between her neck and shoulder and she nudged him slightly.

He quickly pulled away, panting, "What?"

There were too many layers. Keeping her eyes fixed on his, Elide lowered her hands to the hem of her shirt and slipped it off in one swift movement. She smiled smugly when she could finally see Lorcan's reaction to her bare tits.

His eyes were slightly wider than usual and his pupils so dilated that Elide realised that she had never noticed that Lorcan's eye colour was not black, but just a very dark brown. When he looked at her, the words died in her throat.

"I love it when you don't wear a bra," he murmured, reaching up to her and brushing her lips with his, "But I love even more the way you shiver every time I do this."

Elide didn't have a chance to dwell on the way he'd said love, because without her noticing, his hands had found their place on her waist and she had to bite her lip to keep from crying out in pleasure when he brushed the sides of her breasts with his thumbs.

He pushed himself further against her, brushing his lips over her ear, "When we're alone and you don't have to hold back, I want you to scream my name." and then he moved quickly, leaving only a light kiss on her shoulder before his lips closed around a sensitive nipple.

With the first sweep of his tongue around the hard bead, Elide whimpered, pushing her hips down against his and making him moan into her chest. She brought her hands into his hair, clenching and pulling each time his teeth bit or scraped the sensitive skin around the nipple.

When he seemed to want to move on to the other breast, Elide shook her head, pulling his hair back to its roots and forcing her mouth against his, making him grunt. She had to feel him.

"Lorcan," she breathed, between kisses, "I need to touch you."

One of her hands slipped between the two of them, palming him through the sweatpants that did little to hide Lorcan's huge boner. He moaned against her chin, "Fuck."

They pulled apart again and when he had stripped off his shirt, Elide didn't waste a moment and pressed her bare chest against his, causing him to fall back onto the mattress.

Lorcan had other ideas though, because in one smooth motion she found herself lying on her back, his gentle weight pressing her against the covers and his bright smile lighting up his face. He left a kiss on her nose, on her lips and then down to the split in the middle of her breasts and her eyes rolled back in her head as a flashback from two nights before appeared in her head, of Lorcan doing the same thing with his eyes as they danced.

"Can I take these off?" he asked her, once he reached her hips where he was leaving kisses light as feathers.

Elide was breathing raggedly, but nodded when she understood he was talking about her leggings. Still keeping her eyes closed, she lifted her hips off the mattress, closing her fists around the covers as her bottoms disappeared along with her socks and the cold air hit her bare skin.

Now only the thin fabric of her black panties separated her from achieving what she wanted.

That and Lorcan's slacks.

"Ellie." she heard him as he came back on top of her, one knee between her legs to keep his balance. She licked her lip, opening her eyes and keeping her gaze fixed on him, on that perfect face.

"Do you have a condom?" she asked in a whisper, as if afraid the answer would be no. She had them, but they were downstairs, in her purse, and she had no desire to leave the room right then.

Lorcan arched an eyebrow, "I'm not having sex with you tonight, Elide."

She frowned, folding her arms under her and propping herself up on her elbows, "What does that mean?"

"That I'm not completely sober," he said, leaning his head towards her chest, keeping his eyes fixed in hers, "And the first time it'll be inside you," he murmured in a rougher voice, placing a light kiss on the nipple he hadn't licked before, "I want it to be at a time when I'm lucid and can remember all the noises and moans you make." and then he gave the same attention to her other breast, pushing her against the mattress one more time, until Elide was a squirming mess under him and deemed his treatment sufficient.

"Now I'm going to slip these off," Lorcan murmured, grazing a finger along the hem of her panties, and Elide shuddered, "and touch you. Here." the same finger slid across her covered folds, starting at her clit and following her slit to her entrance. "Already so wet for me."

Elide thrashed on the bed, moaning softly as he applied a little more pressure, "Stop teasing, we'll have time for that when we get home." she managed to toss out between shaky breaths.

"Understood ma'am." he taunted, grabbing the edges of the thing and pulling it down. The sound that burst from him was completely animalistic and threatened to make Elide come before he even really touched her. "So beautiful." he said, kneeling in front of her.

Lorcan's hands wrapped around her ankles and he pushed her legs up, placing her feet on the edge of the bed, until she was left with her knees bent and her pussy at his full disposal. Elide risked looking down between her legs and her eyes locked into his as he lowered himself onto her and smiled.

The way her chest rose and fell made her tits bounce and Lorcan seemed to appreciate it, but he didn't seem to be planning to do anything. Elide tipped her head back, whispering in a weak voice, "Do something, please."

He laughed and her muscles flexed, clenching around nothing. It was at that moment that she felt him, his breath on the most sensitive part of her body. "I'm going to make you cum so fast you won't have time to count to a hundred."

Lorcan's fingers came off her ankles and went to part her lips, making her feel the warm air of his breathe even more. He parted them until he was satisfied and Elide lowered her gaze just as his tongue made contact with her throbbing core. A rush of pleasure coursed through her body, making her legs tremble, "Lor," she moaned.

"Mh, El," he closed his lips around her clit, pressing his tongue against the pearl over and over, until Elide repeated his name like a prayer, "So good. You taste so good."

Her hands ended up in his hair again, pushing his face against her sex, seeking more. She began to move her hips, following the strokes of his mouth on her, but one of Lorcan's arms slithered around her pelvis and pinned her to the bed, lapping her juices as with his thumb he reached to massage her clit with such precision that Elide knew that whatever she would do on her own in the future, she would never be able to match how he was making her feel.

Elide cried out in pleasure, bringing a hand to her mouth as she felt his tongue thrust into her and an all too familiar warmth build up in the pit of her stomach.

She brought one hand up to massage the nipple he had only kissed and made a choked sound, her hips jerking upwards.

Lorcan moaned against her, a new sound, different from any he'd made so far, and Elide couldn't help herself. She pulled herself up onto her elbows, continuing to touch herself as he kept sending jolts of pleasure with every thrust of his tongue and every caress of his thumb, and the sight of him eating her out would have been enough to push her over the edge, but the hand wrapped around his thick, throbbing cock pumping relentlessly was the thing that made her eyes roll back and explode as the rope inside her snapped. Her legs gave out, falling over the edge of the bed and finding their place on Lorcan's shoulders.

Her mouth gaped open in a silent scream as her whole body trembled in pleasure as wave after wave surged through her and her back arched so wide she broke away from the bed.

Lorcan didn't stop touching her, but he pulled his mouth away from her, still massaging her clit until Elide was too sensitive and with a groan she tightened a hand around his wrist to push him away. She heard him grunt and then moan, but she didn't have the strength to lower her gaze to what she knew very well was a cumming Lorcan.

She was breathing hard, one hand on her stomach to rest and the other still clasped around his.

Every now and then her body was shaken by a spasm, but she managed to calm down after a few minutes and close her aching legs. She rolled onto her side, letting go of his wrist.

Lorcan was also breathless and kept his forehead pressed against the edge of the bed.

Elide felt a tinge of pain tingle through her heart. She pulled herself up just enough to look into his face, "Lor?"

She reached out a hand towards him, placing it on his shoulder, at which he raised his head and looked at her with bright eyes and an open mouth, "Are you alright?"

She nodded, smiling at him and falling back into the now unmade blankets, "Never been better."

He chuckled deeply, moving from his position on the floor and causing at least two joints in his legs to crack.

The moment Elide saw he'd managed to get at least halfway out of his trousers, her throat went dry. And her brain forgot how to talk when she noticed he wasn't wearing boxers. Elide knew Lorcan often went commando, but seeing it with her own eyes was a different story. Seeing him, was a completely different thing from feeling him against her.

She swallowed. She'd intended to scold him for taking all the fun out of both of them by touching himself, but maybe Elide had overestimated her abilities, because the idea of having to give Lorcan a blowjob when his dick was like this-

"If you keep looking at me like that I'm not sure I can keep the promise I made to myself," he murmured in a serious voice.

Elide looked up at his face and sighed as she saw his eyes as dark as before, just moments before he pulled off his clothes completely and lay down beside her on the other side of the bed.

It didn't take her even half a second to wrap herself around him and press her body against Lorcan's side as he draped an arm around her shoulders.

His fingertips began to trace idle lines on her shoulder as he had done only half an hour before on the couch in front of everyone.

A satisfied and surprised laugh came out of her. Lorcan put his hand under her chin and when she looked up at him he had an equally satisfied smile on his lips. He pushed her head towards his, causing their mouths to collide in a brief kiss that was chaste in comparison to what they had just done and when they broke away, Elide frowned, "I didn't like you touching yourself without giving me a chance to enjoy this in turn."

The corner of Lorcan's mouth turned up, "Sorry honey, but seeing you naked like that on the bed for me has been my dream for a little too long and I was sure I would have come in zero time if I had let you touch me. It would have been embarrassing." he whispered, caressing her cheek.

Elide tried to suppress a smile, failing miserably. She decided to tease him a little, "I thought I heard you say you lasted long in bed, didn't you?"

He chuckled, "You know it's hard to rely on stamina when the girl in question is you."

At those words she felt a particularly strong surge of affection for the boy who had given her one of the most intense orgasms she had ever received and she pushed herself closer against him, making her bare breasts feel against his skin.

Lorcan turned slightly towards her, looking into her face.

He looked so relaxed.

She knew he was.

But there was something that didn't allow her to be one hundred percent.

She fixed her eyes on his, placing a hand on his chest, over his heart. The hand Lorcan had held behind his head until now came to rest on hers, squeezing her fingers tight.

Elide took a shuddering breath, "Now what?"

Lorcan suppressed a yawn, "I guess it's not a problem if we stay here and sleep-"

"No, I'm saying," she interrupted him, looking away, "what do we do now? You and I." then, realizing that question couldn't have been more vague, she closed her eyes, mustering courage, "What are we now?"

"Whatever you want us to be, Ellie," he said softly, starting to stroke her hand, "But I want one thing to be clear. And I'd like you to look at me while I say it."

Elide opened her eyes, lifting her chin slightly so she could see him better, and gave him a small smile, which he immediately returned.

"What is it?"

Lorcan's gaze moved to her lips, before returning to her eyes, "I like you, Elide."

She stopped breathing.

"I really like you and whatever you decide to do with me, I'll respect that, but I also want to say that if you don't want anything exclusive, then this will have been a one night stand and won't happen again."

Although she also wanted exactly the same things, hearing him say them made her chest hurt, because the prospect of not being able to have him again so soon after just finally finding him hurt.

She cleared her throat, nodding, "I like you too." she whispered, noticing his eyes widen a little, "And I don't want you going with any other girls besides me if we decide to continue with this." Lorcan nodded, agreeing with her, then continued, "If you don't want a relationship right away, I can understand that, but know that I do." she felt herself blush as she finally admitted the truth out loud, looking away, "And I know our situation isn't the best with being roommates and all-"

"Our situation is perfect," Lorcan corrected her, moving a strand of hair out of her face.

She looked at him again, seeing him smile.

"Ellie, you're my best friend. The person who knows me the most out of all the people I consider important. We already live together, we won't have to fight over who to stay at every night. We won't have to go on any awkward first dates and the sex seems phenomenal to me," a lump formed in her throat as she tried to keep her breathing regular, but found it difficult when he smiled at her more broadly, "I waited months for you to see that the playlists were all declarations and hoped that after Friday night something would change. For once I won."

Elide figured he was talking about what had happened at the club, but if she was going to be completely honest... "I was the one who showed you my tits twice, letting you know I wanted something more. Don't take all the credit."

Lorcan burst out laughing and it sounded more scratchy than usual, "I'm sorry, you're right."

He kissed her again and again, and held her close as he ran his fingers through her hair and murmured the words to a love song, and before long she fell asleep in his arms, making Lorcan the happiest man in the world.

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[moonbeamwritings]

relentless teasing

Summary: After another unfortunate encounter with Dio in the university library, you finally put an end to his endless teasing, much to his dismay. How is he going to get himself out of this one? (Modern/College AU)

Author’s Note: Hi! I’ve never written for Dio before, but I wanted to toy with him not being a murderer, but rather an emotionally incompetent, overly flirtatious college guy. Let me know what you think!

You glanced over your shoulder as you nestled into a corner of the library, praying that you wouldn’t see him. Or rather that he wouldn’t see you.

Dio Brando had elected to make you the newest object of his torments for reasons completely lost on you. He was relentless. Coming up behind you to purr in your ear, boasting about his prowess in the bedroom or on the rugby field. It never seemed to end.

Sure you found him attractive, most people did, but you couldn’t help feeling as though he was playing some elaborate prank on you. Maybe he had picked up on your shy behavior, looking to butter you up for the express purpose of ridiculing you after finding out that, in some dark corner of your mind, you have a crush on him. 

No thank you.

You had even gone so far as to change up your usual seat in the library, aiming to throw him off your trail to spare yourself from his presence. Barely even remembering how this cat-and-mouse game began, you prayed to whatever god would listen for some salvation from your own personal hell.

Pulling out your laptop, you lost yourself in an assignment, frantically typing out your responses as you relished in the peace and quiet.

“Funny seeing you here.”

You knew that voice.

Without even looking up, you replied, “Hi Dio.”

“Ouch,” he responded, dramatically landing in the chair next to you and wasting no time in slinging his arm along the back of your chair, “I can’t even get a look at your pretty face?”

The teasing lilt in his voice only served to make the situation worse. You felt your cheeks burn, seemingly working to fry your brain. Not good.

“What, love? Can’t speak? Cat got your tongue? Now, that’s just a shame,” His voice was a low purr, a deep rumble in his chest.

You were certain you were short circuiting.

“You’re insufferable.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” he leaned impossibly closer, “I think you like me, no matter how hard you try to hide it.”

Feeling your stomach drop at being found out, your fingers drifted away from the keyboard and up to cover your face.

“God,” the sigh that left your mouth sounds much more defeated than you had meant it to, “it’s not funny, ya know?”

You risked a glance at his face just as an unreadable expression crossed his features, brows creasing as he leaned away from you.

“What are you saying?”

“I know you only do this to tease me and it’s not funny anymore.”

“Is that what you really-”

“Yes.”

You interrupted him before he could finish, tired of this song and dance. He stared at you for a moment and you almost felt guilty. He appeared so… defeated, like you’d single-handedly ruined his day.

“I didn’t realize my presence was that intolerable.” His tone was biting, more sour than you’d ever heard it.

“Dio, I didn’t mean-”

He moved to stand, “I’ll leave you to your work then.”

“Dio,” you pleaded again, but he wasn’t hearing it, strutting away without even a second glance.

Fuck. You hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings, you just wanted him to be genuine. For once. Now he’d probably never speak to you again.

Leaving the library with a dejected sigh, Dio headed back to his apartment, fully prepared to throttle Jonathan. He had been the one to suggest that Dio pursue you, so certainly it was his fault that it had amounted to this.

Jonathan had seen Dio’s longing glances at you one too many times, both of them having shared multiple classes with you. He’d never seen Dio look at anyone like that, so he encouraged him to start talking to you. Little did Jonathan know that the Dio Brando Method bordered on ridicule and accentuated some of Dio’s worst qualities. The confidence, the playboy attitude, the teasing. He cringed just thinking about the times he had overheard Dio teasing you in the library, sounding more mean than anything else.

Slamming the door open, Dio started yelling before even seeing who was home, “Jonathan!”

Jonathan flinched at the sound, pausing the movie he and Erina had been watching, “What is it Dio?”

“Why won’t they give me the time of day? I try, do I not?” Dio practically threw himself on the empty chair, rolling his head back to stare at the ceiling, diving right into a detailed account of his encounter with you.

Jonathan let out a hum, choosing his words very carefully so as to not instigate a blow-out. Erina didn’t deserve that.

“Maybe if you toned down the teasing you’d come off as more sincere,” he finally replied, observing Dio carefully.

“Ugh,” Dio groaned, doing nothing to hide his displeasure, “What do you know? I don’t even know why I asked.”

Jonathan was experienced, too experienced, in the art of drawing Dio back from the brink. Years of punches and fits of rage taught him at least that much.

“Do you want my help or not?”

“Yes.”

Erina chimed in, having been filled in on all of the drama by Jonathan, “Have you ever tried talking to them like a normal person?”

Dio shot up, pointing a finger in her direction, “Shut up. They’re not normal, it’s-”

“No way,” she replied, a knowing smile lighting up her face, “You really like them.”

“Just tell me how to fix it.” His voice bordered on a whine, but he didn’t care. All he wanted was you, in whatever way you’d have him.

“The next time you see them, just try talking to them. No teasing, no invading their personal space. Nothing.”

“But-”

Jonathan rolled his eyes, “You wanted my help didn’t you?”

Silence fell over the room for a long moment before Dio dragged himself up from his spot in the living room, “Fine. I’ll try.”

  Dio didn’t see you for another week. He couldn’t tell if you were avoiding him or if he was inadvertently avoiding you, growing uncharacteristically nervous at the thought of seeing you again. Nevertheless, he found himself longing to see you again. You always looked so cute when he saw you in the library, furrowed brow as you concentrated on your studies. Surely he couldn’t be entirely to blame for wanting to tease you a little bit, right?

Shaking his head, he found a spot at a vacant table near a large window, looking to get some homework done. Dio lost himself in his law textbook, furiously trying to accomplish an assignment all while thoughts of you swam in his head. After an hour of silence, he was startled by the sound of the chair across from him being pulled out.

It was like he was seeing an angel incarnate. You were standing in front of him with a small, almost sheepish smile on your face, backpack slung on one shoulder, hand gripping the chair in front of you. You’d never looked so beautiful.

“Sorry. Do you mind?” You asked, not wanting to intrude, especially after how poorly things had ended last time.

He shook his head, brain still trying to process what was happening.

“Dio I-” You let out a shaky breath, not quite meeting his gaze, “I’m sorry. About last time, I mean. I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. It was-”

He interrupted you before you could go any further, “Don’t apologize. I was being an asshole.”

“No, that’s not-”

“Love, will you please just let me finish?”

He waited for you to nod before he continued, “I’m not used to this. I’m not used to caring or even apologizing, but you make me want to do both. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I do care about you and I’m sorry I made you think I was only talking to you to make fun of you.”

You sat there with your mouth slightly agape. He couldn’t be serious. No way.

“You’re serious?” You asked, hesitating to trust the situation, but remaining cautiously optimistic.

He nodded somewhat solemnly, afraid you’d reject him, “Yes.”

If Dio thought you were beautiful before, you were absolutely stunning now. The smile that graced your features was more than enough to blind him, but he’d gladly accept that fate if it meant that was the last thing he’d ever see. He felt his heart melt.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked, starting to smile himself.

“I don’t know,” You responded with feigned innocence, “You tell me.”

He rolled his eyes, his smile slipping into a smirk, “That easy, huh? All I had to do was apologize?”

You shrugged, “Hmm, I think you owe me a date, Mr. Brando. Ya know, for the emotional damages.”

“Why you little,” He nearly lunged across the table at you, resting a hand along your neck as he pulled you into a searing kiss.

Maybe his teasing wasn’t so bad after all.

[90slevi]

Arguments {Levi Ackerman x Reader}

TW: strong language

"What the hell do you mean?" you exclaimed, holding the sheet of paper in your hands in front of Hanji. She grimaced with a shrug, scratching the back of her head. "He's taken me off the expedition list?"

It was currently 6pm, and the sun was beginning to set; although you'd only planned to meet Hanji for a few minutes before dinner, it'd turned into a little more than just that. You'd just received the list of people going on the expedition in a week, and despite being on Levi's Squad, you'd been completely removed from the list. Instead of your name being alongside Petra, Oluo, Eld and Gunther, you were nowhere. You hadn't even been put at the back!

"I dunno, I don't get told about this sort of stuff," she chuckled nervously, trying to not make you angrier than you were. "Although it is a bit odd that Erwin's removed you, out of all people. He never does that."

"Then why on Earth has he done it now?" you asked rhetorically, pissed off. As much as you enjoyed being safe inside the walls and not having to go on another traumatising adventure past the walls, you felt it was incredibly embarrassing to be removed for no reason at all while the others risked their lives for your future. "I mean, I doubt the Squad asked him. That'd just be ridiculous."

"I did see Levi go to Commander Erwin's office last night, so..." Hanji trailed off, realising she'd probably said something she wasn't supposed to.

You and Levi had been dating for about a year now, and while she knew for a fact the black-haired man would never directly upset you, it wasn't out of the ordinary for him to try and convince Erwin to remove you. He'd tried to do it last time, because the expedition before that had ended tragically. You'd almost been killed, and if it wasn't for him saving you from the jaws of a titan and almost breaking his own leg, you wouldn't be there in front of her.

After losing his best friends, Isabel and Farlan, in the past, she was sure he wasn't planning on losing you any time soon.

"That little shitbag," you muttered, wrinkling your nose.

You loved Levi. You really did. But removing you from the expedition list was so selfish you could hit him.

It wasn't up to him. He did not have the right to chose whether you risked your life for the greater good or not, and this was what you dedicated your life to. He was not allowed to force Erwin to remove you just because he was too selfish to see you go. Deep down, you knew what he was trying to do. He was just worried you'd get yourself killed, and he really loved you, but you were too angry to care about that. In your eyes, it appeared that he didn't trust you and he didn't believe you could do it.

"It might not be him!" Hanji suggested, an awkward smile on her face as she put her hands up in surrender. "Y'know, they could've been talking about something else!"

However, you ignored her and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind you. Hanji, sighing, face-palmed as she knew just what Levi was about to get into.

Walking down the corridor as calmly as you could, you looked at each office door and at the golden plaques, looking for Levi's name imprinted on one just to make sure you didn't go bursting into the wrong office ranting and raving. Eventually, when you found it, you took a deep breath and gently opened the door, not wanting to get into a full-blown argument with your boyfriend.

"Tch, can't you brats knock?" Levi asked, his voice blunt and monotone. However, when he noticed it was you, his eyes widened for a split second before returning back to normal. "Oh, hey."

"Levi," you begun, closing the door behind you as you tried to think of something to say. Levi looked down at the paper you were holding, and as soon as he realised what it was, he hesitated. You noticed this, and that was all the confirmation you needed to know that it was him who'd taken your name off. "Nice to know you've taken me off the expedition."

"I should've known you'd figure out it was me," Levi said sternly, standing up from his desk and slipping his quill back into the ink pot. "Look, let me explain-"

"No, I've already figured it out, thanks," you said sarcastically, slapping the paper onto his desk in frustration. "You don't think I'm good enough to survive out there, do you?"

Levi was silent.

"I've noticed the training exercises for me have become... different than the others," you continued, your mind going back to the small yet significant differences in your training schedules than people like Petra. "You've tried it before, to get me off the expedition lists just so I don't get hurt."

"Y/n, I have a reason to do that," he tried to say, but you continued in your rant. "If you'd just shut up for two seconds-"

"I couldn't give a fuck if I die or not, Levi," you said, wrinkling your nose as he rolled his eyes at your mini-outburst. "I specifically signed up for this just SO I could help out in the survival of humanity. You out of all people should know that! The amount of times I've told you why I want to do this and how much it means to me is insane. And if you're not going to let me do what I need to do because you're too scared I'll die, then... well, I dunno! It's just unfair!"

"Are you done yet?" Levi asked, his voice rising as he glared intimidatingly at you. It wasn't something you were scared of, but you knew you needed to shut up before he actually got angry. You closed your mouth and sighed, unable to look your boyfriend in the eyes. He leaned against his desk, rolling back his head as he tried to think of something that wouldn't upset you more. And, as everyone knew, he was not the greatest with words. "Listen, Y/n. And don't butt in until I've fucking done, got it?"

You nodded.

"First of all, I apologise for doing anything like that without your permission," he said, and your eyes widened at him for even saying sorry. "It was a stupid thing to do. But since your dumbass almost got fucking eaten, I don't want you to go on another expedition."

"But why!?" you exclaimed, your heart sinking. Levi glared at you again, and you quickly shut up.

"In all fairness, it is my own selfishness," he admitted quietly, only just loud enough for you to hear. "I'm not like precious Commander Eyebrows. He doesn't give two shits about who dies on the battleground, but I do. And I don't fancy one of my best soldiers getting murdered in a pointless expedition when I might need them in a more important one in the future."

"That's bullshit," you answered, and he raised an eyebrow. "Hanji and Mike are much better than me, and although they've nearly been killed multiple times, they still make the expedition list."

"That's because they're captains," Levi stated, his voice getting a little louder. "I don't have control over whether they make the list or not."

"Alright then, what about Eld? Gunther?" you asked, and Levi kept his mouth shut, unable to answer. "Exactly. Petra was almost stepped on last expedition if it wasn't for goddam Oluo, but she still makes the stupid list. She almost got crushed, too, but I get nearly eaten ONCE and now it's like I'm banned for good. If you're that bothered, just remove me from your squad altogether!"

"That's not what I want," he almost snarled, pushing himself off the edge of the desk and crossing his arms. "And you know that."

"Then what the hell do you want?!"

"For you not to die!"

A silence entered the room. Your mouth stayed agape as Levi stared at the ground, occasionally looking back at you with a glare that could slice through metal. Your heart pounded against your chest, adrenaline rushing through your veins, and you didn't know what to say.

"Ever since Isabel and Farlan, you're the only person I've managed to get this close to," he continued, quieter than he was before while his hands were stuffed into the pockets of his navy blue jeans . "I don't want to lose... the only family I have left. And I know that's unfair on you, but my selfishness got in the way."

"I... Levi," you said softly, wandering over to him and pulling him into a hug. He wrapped is arms tightly around your waist as he nuzzled his face into your neck, making you giggle when his warm breath tickled your skin. "I understand. I'm sorry for yelling."

"Me too," he replied, rubbing his fingers in circles on your back. Being this close to someone was an amazing feeling that he'd been missing for years and years, and because he didn't want to lose that, he'd decided to go out and do something you didn't want.

He remembered how he'd felt when he'd saved you from the jaws of a titan. You still had the scars on your stomach and back from the bite marks, and he couldn't get rid of the memories of watching you on the grassy ground, bleeding out as you went sickly pale and almost passed out. He'd hated every moment, including when he watched you get stitches in the hospital. Any one of those breaths could've been your last, and the anticipation he felt as he waited outside the ward room for you to wake up. You could've been in a coma. You could've died. You could've gotten brain damage so awful that you couldn't remember who the hell you were.

He didn't want to feel that ever again. Ever.

"I think if I were Captain, I'd do the same to you," you said, pulling away and taking his hands into yours. "I should've listened to you."

"I'll try my best to get Erwin to put you back on the Expedition list, if that's what you really want," Levi said, and you knew that by 'try my best', he meant 'if he doesn't, I'll beat the shit out of him'. He was very good at getting what he wanted. "But if you slip up like a total idiot again, I'll break your legs so you have a good excuse to not go next time."

As if he'd ever do that.

"Pfft, got it," you grinned, and he ruffled your hair before wandering back to his seat, presumably to finish off his paperwork. You pouted, unsure whether to stay here with your boyfriend or to go down for dinner. It was unlikely Levi would remember to get food; he usually was too focussed on his paperwork to get some or he just chose against it, so you usually bought some up for him.

"You look lovely today," Levi then said out of the blue, and your heart fluttered as a small smile appeared on your face. "You usually look beautiful, of course, but today, you look... really nice."

"Thank you," you replied, wandering over before planting a small kiss on his lips. "You look lovely too."

A chuckle escaped his lips before he looked down at his watch, taking note of the time. "Do you want to go down to dinner with me?"

"Sure," you answered, and once he stood up, he stretched out his hand for you to take. Overjoyed, you left the paper on his table and took it, your fingers interlocking just as he liked. He gave you a quick squeeze before adjusting the sleeves of his top and leaving the room, making sure to lock his office after leaving.

[zevlors-tail]

Lonely With You

Pairing: ProHero!Izuku x GN ProHero!Reader

Warnings: Self doubt, self deprecating thoughts/words, cursing, reader is very angry in the beginning and throws something if that’s a trigger for anyone (doesn’t throw it directly at anything or anything in particular), lots of crying on reader’s part, song fic, tooth rotting fluff at the end. <3

A/N: Song fic! Sports by Beach Bunny. I said I couldn’t write shit but here we are. I just one shotted this thing in the span of like 3 hours and in 3 more hours, I have to go into work with no sleep. :’) But really it’s fine bc I had motivation and I DID THE THING. I wrote something I kind of liked! I am obsessed with this song right now, so suffer with me I guess.

The second you stormed into the house and slammed the door shut behind you, Izuku could tell something was off. Sure, you had your bad days, but somehow this was different.

“Hi, love! How was your da-” Before he could even finish, you cut him off with an angry look and a short response.

“Fucking awful. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Izuku knew better than to take your short response personally, though he would be lying if he said it didn’t irk him in the slightest. However, you didn’t curse often, and using the “F” word usually meant you were at your wits end with whatever situation you were dealing with. He watched you as you strode past the kitchen with blind rage and threw down your headpiece to your hero costume. A piece of it actually busted off from how hard you had chucked it across the room, nearly missing his eye as it flew past him and making him visibly flinch. 

Upon seeing his reaction, you immediately stopped in your tracks and snapped out of your fit of anger, concern for your partner taking over you instead. “Shit-! Izu, I’m so sorry, are you alright!?” Tears welled in your eyes as you panicked and checked his face over for any collateral damage, and when you could find none, you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“I’m fine, Y/N. Are...you okay? I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but you look really...upset.” He struggled to find the right words for a moment. You looked upset, sure, but it was more than that. There was a foreign look in your eyes he hadn’t seen before, something heavy and dark lurking behind your usually bright orbs. His heart couldn’t help but ache for the look you gave him.

If you feel lonely, I could be lonely with you. Tell me baby, why do you seem so blue?

You broke down in tears within seconds, cries of frustration and anguish clawing their way up from your ribcage to your throat. Today had drained you for all your worth and made you feel utterly exhausted. But if you were being honest, this had been going on much longer than just a day. It just so happened that today’s events had been the last straw for you and left you feeling defeated. Months of self doubt and anxieties were finally catching up to you, and now you were paying the price.

Izuku wrapped his arms around you tightly and held your head to his chest as you hiccuped. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” He nuzzled his face into your hair before pressing a sweet kiss to your crown, his hand sliding to your back to rub comforting circles.

“I’m no good,” you managed between sobs. “I’m a terrible hero, and I should just quit while I’m ahead. I’ll never amount to anything useful. All I do is get in the way and cause problems for others!” You continued to cry while Izuku let you vent, although it took everything he had in him not to interject that all of those things couldn’t be further from the truth.

Why are we so complicated? Maybe love is overrated...

“I’m a failure. I failed my mission and if it wasn’t for Uravity...” You let out a strangled cry as you admitted what was weighing you down so heavily. “They almost died! They almost died, and it would have been all my fault! If I had just pushed myself harder, if I had done more, then- then- then none of this would have happened!” 

“Oh, love...no.”

“I should just do everyone a favor and stop being a Pro. My manager did always say I was better as a sidekick, anyway,” you laughed bitterly at the memory, distracted only for a moment before returning to crying, albeit a little quieter. “I’m ready to give up. Everything I do is wrong... I don’t think I’m cut out for this anymore.”

I’m tired of waiting! I was never good at sports; save the games for the girls on the tennis courts.

Izuku sighed softly before cupping your face in his hands and gazing intently at you. “Y/N Y/L/N, you are not a failure. You are the light of my life and the best thing to have ever happened to me. Do you know that?”

You hesitated a minute while you sniffled and rubbed at your eyes. “Are you sure about that? Because I feel like I’m failing at everything... At being a hero, at being a friend, and at being your partner. I’ve been so stressed out lately that I’ve barely been able to pay attention to you. I’m so sorry, Izuku...” Fresh tears pooled at the corners of your eyes as your self doubt ate at you.

Say you need me, but lately you feel unsure.

“You didn’t let me finish.” 

“Ah, I’m sorry-”

“Nope! No more apologizing, especially when you didn’t do anything wrong.” A small smile found it’s way to his lips as he spoke, “I’ve watched you grow from a student in the hero course with me into the wonderful person and amazing hero you are now, and I want you to know I’m proud of who you’ve become. You’ve been nothing but nice to Uraraka, Iida, and Todoroki, and you’ve done everything you can to support me and be there for me when I need you to be. You cheered me on and pushed me to do better when I felt like giving in so many times. Without you, I wouldn’t be the hero I am today.”

“That’s really flattering, but I think All Might was mostly responsible for making you the hero you are now.”

Come on to me, come on to me...I need more!

Izuku laughed a little as you smiled at your comment, though the pain remained behind your eyes still and his gaze was just as intense as before. He quickly regained composure and continued. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit, love. I was watching the live feed from home while you were on your mission, and from one hero to another, you did all you could with the hand you were dealt in that situation. You can’t place unnecessary blame on yourself for something that’s not your fault. You weren’t a hinder to them, and you didn’t cause them any further problems. I mean, unless you were the one who set the building on fire, but that’s not likely, right?” His teasing tone was meant to lighten the situation, but it seemed to have no affect against the worry and anxiety radiating from you. “Y/N.”

“Hm?” At some point you realized you had zoned out and starting daydreaming about all the possible ways the situation could have gone wrong. Izuku’s voice pulled you back to reality and away from your twisted reverie.

“I love you. It’s okay to feel upset and angry about today, about yesterday, about last month- and especially about that comment your manager made. Which, by the way, we need a new manager for you now, but that’s not the point. I want you to know that I will always be here to support and love you like you’ve supported and loved me. Your friends love you and support you also, you know. Uraraka was just asking me about you yesterday, actually...said you looked a little blue. Oh, and Todoroki wanted me to pass on a message. Something about an angry pomeranian? Are you two making fun of Kaachan again?” He gave you a pointed look.

“Well...yes and no?” You sheepishly grinned and laughed while he just rolled his eyes.

“Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is that you are worth so much more than you think. Your friends love you, I love you, and your fans also love you. You’re more than just a sidekick. You’re an amazing hero and an even better partner to me, and you are not and will never be a failure at any point in time. You did all you could to save those people, and if you hadn’t stepped in when you did, Uravity might not have been able to get to them after all. If you don’t want to be a hero anymore, then of course I’ll support you no matter what, but that’s not really what you want to do, is it?”

Deep down, you knew Izuku was right. There was no way you could step down from being a hero; you loved helping people almost as much as he did. Being a hero was just as much a part of you as your nose or your eyes or your lips. It was a second nature, something you couldn’t just give up on so easily.

“I want to help people and be a hero. I just...lately, I just don’t feel like I’m good enough.” 

You sounded so sad and dejected still, and it absolutely broke his heart. Izuku silently promised himself to do everything in his power to make you believe in yourself again before racking his brain for ideas on how to further cheer you up. When you had bad days, there were certain things he did to comfort you and help you relax, but this seemed to be a bit more serious, and thus, required a more elaborate solution than the normal hot bath and back massage. Maybe...yes, that was perfect! It probably wouldn’t fix the problem long term, but it would be a good start.

“You are good enough, and I will always be here to remind you of that.” He leaned in and gave you a soft kiss. “Come on, let’s go relax in bed. I’ll even give you a ride there if you want.”

Your eyes immediately lit up as he turned around and crouched down so you could climb on to his back. As goofy as he was, you absolutely adored him. “Yes! You’re the best!” You squealed as he lifted you up with ease and locked his arms around the back of your legs to keep you nice and secure while he strode to the bedroom. Once there, he set you down on the bed before putting his plan into motion.

At the foot of your bed, you had a night sky projector that would cast the image of stars and planets onto your ceiling. Izuku had gotten it for you for your last birthday, and you loved it dearly. It made you feel content and relaxed when you were restless. Often times, you used it while you were in the bath or right before bed when you were having a rough night. It was perfect for occasions like this. Choosing the setting with the purple colored lights, Izuku powered it on and the two of you watched as your bedroom lit up all over. It was like you were really in space.

He made his way back to bed where you were currently snuggling into the giant comforter you both shared, a blissful smile on his face at the sight of you. You seemed to be feeling better already; you cuddled up to him as the little spoon as soon as he slid under the covers with you. He made sure to find a comfortable position for the both of you, and with the ambience set, there was only one last thing to do.

“If you feel broken, promise I won’t break your heart. If you shatter, I won’t let you fall apart. Why are we so complicated? Love’s a word I’ve always hated...”

You listened to him sing softly, the words falling from his lips effortlessly as he serenaded you with your favorite melody.

“I’m tired of waiting! I was never good at sports; save the games for the girls on the tennis court. Say you need me, but lately you feel unsure. Come on to me, come on to me, I need more...”

You closed your eyes and slowly drifted away from your worries as he sang. If every night could end like this, then maybe everything would be okay after all.

“It always feel like I need more... Jesus Christ, you’re so confusing! If we keep score, bet my money that I’m losing...”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“No, I love you more.”

You felt his laugh reverberate through his chest as he snuggled closer.

“Go to bed, Y/N.”

“Mmn...”

“If you feel lonely, I could be lonely with you... Tell me, baby, why do you seem so blue?”

[sierraraeck]

How to Lose Friends

BAU x OC Aundreya

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Summary: When Aundreya’s presence is requested at the BAU, she doesn’t know what to think, and is dreading the reactions of her previous teammates. Especially that of Doctor Spencer Reid. Story sixteen.

Category: Some angst.

Warnings: Cussing. Normal CM talk. Mentions of prison.

Word Count: 5.0k

A/N: I hit 100k words of fanfic I’ve written for this series in this part.

The buzz of the bell signaling a door opening jolted me awake.

What the fuck? Why is my door being opened?

The light streaming in from the hallway, invading my dark little space, was blinding. The only solace was the dark figure shielding most of the light from my eyes.

“What?” I rasped.

“Aundreya Chambers, lovely to see you again,” the voice was coated with sarcasm. While still somewhat unfamiliar to me, I knew who’s face belonged to that type of bitchy sarcasm.

“Majesty Strauss, welcome to my humble home. Would you like a tour before we begin?” I still barely had my eyes open, denying the fact that my minimal sleep was being desturbed. She moved further into the cell in order to stand right in front of me.

“Get up. Your presence has been requested at the BAU.”

“What? Why do they want me?” I finally opened my eyes enough to stare up at her stone cold bitchface. That was the last thing I was expecting this morning. “Is it so they each take their turn reminding me how much they hate me?”

“Stop whining and get up. They need your help,” she all but rolled her eyes, the sound of her heels clicking back over to my cell door.

“With what?” I insisted.

“I’ll brief you on the drive.” Strauss completely exited my box while I laid my head back against the thin as paper pillow, letting out an irritated sigh. “Are you coming?”

“Do I have a choice?” She gave the tightest lipped, most forced smile I’d seen a human give as one of the officers came to clasp the handcuffs around my wrists.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

The first half of the drive was dull. Strauss wasn’t much for small talk, especially with someone like me, and she refused to let me in on what was happening until we were only a few minutes out from headquarters.

It was Maeve. She’d had a stalker for a while, and now there was reason to believe she’s in immediate danger. That’s all she told me.

We finally arrived at Quantico, and I almost wanted to laugh. It’d been… what? Fifteen months since the last time I’d been there? The feeling of walking back in felt oddly familiar, like the first time I entered the building as a convicted criminal who was meeting the team. Despite the three years I’d spent with them, I was standing there as if nothing had changed. Actually, that’s not true. Things had changed. They’d gotten worse. Now, instead of wondering how they’d react to a somewhat normal looking girl who’d had a rough past, I knew exactly how they’d react to a psycho looking, handcuffed, last-time-I-saw-you-I-confessed-to-murder, criminal. And I didn’t want any part of it.

But if that’s how they were gonna see me, I might as well have worn it with pride. I had a reputation to uphold.

I was pushed through the glass doors into the bullpen, and everyone’s eyes snapped to me. I must’ve been quite the sight: disheveled, frizzy braids, cuts and bruises on every visible part of my body (and most non visible parts, too), my orange jumpsuit peeking through the stained, weak excuse they called sweats, not to mention the chains connecting my handcuffs to the links around my ankles. Upon entering, they removed my cuffs, but kept a watchful eye on me as I approached the door to the briefing room. The people behind there were the ones I really cared about. Or, at least, cared even a shard about in comparison to the utter indifference I felt toward everyone else.

I closed my eyes, and took a long, deep breath before forcing the door open. I had barely entered the room, barely made eye contact with Hotch standing opposite me, before both my shoulder blades were shoved against the wall behind me, long fingers wrapping around my throat.

“What is she doing here?” the hiss in Reid’s voice sounded exactly how I’d imagined it in my head, preparing myself for this encounter. He looked almost as bad as me. His curls were going in a million directions, and I could only imagine the amount of times he’d run his hands through them. His eyes were blood-shot and slightly puffy, and the dark bags underneath seemed more defined. The only thing that contrasted all of that, and let me know his head was still in it, was the darkness in them. There was nothing lighthearted or soft about them anymore, at least, not for the moment and not for me. Not to mention the rage I could see boiling at the surface. It was like looking in a funhouse mirror.

Morgan and Hotch made a move to pull him off of me, but I waved them away. I knew this was coming, and the sooner we got it over with, the sooner we could go back to our new normal. “I was invited.”

“By who?” I could hear the betrayal coating his voice before he even knew who it was.

“You didn’t tell him?” It was Rossi that spoke up.

“I was about to,” Hotch stated, “She showed up a bit earlier than I anticipated.”

Reid just stood there, orbs of fire replacing his eyes. “Let go of me,” I forced out through clenched teeth. He did as I asked, taking a staggering step back and just bore holes into me. I replied with a smirk. “So what do you need me for?”

“As Strauss should have already told you, Maeve is missing and there is reason to believe she’s in danger,” Hotch recited.

“Great. So what do you need me for?” I repeated. They were great profiles, I couldn’t see anything I’d add to the group.

“As you know, there have been people in the past that threatened her safety, and they have been people you’ve had a connection with.”

I arched an eyebrow. “So you think that the person responsible for Maeve’s disappearance is some street rat I’d know?”

“If you want to put it that way, sure,” Hotch confirmed.

“Okay, then you guys have seriously lost brain cells since I left,” I let out a bitter laugh, “There’s no way some rando on the street would care about some lame doctor.” I saw Reid’s posture tighten up, and I didn’t really fancy the idea of being slammed into the wall again, so I shot him a quick, “No offense.”

“What makes you so sure?” Morgan asked.

“Look, all I’m saying, is that I don’t see how she’d hold any value to anyone on the streets. Unless she’s all the sudden a drug lord, running a gang, or saw too much, they wouldn’t care about her. And let’s say for fun she is one of those things, and someone on the streets did take her, she’s already dead,” I pointed out. Reid flinched. “People on the streets don’t play with their food.”

“Don’t talk about her like that,” Reid hissed.

I shrugged. “I’m just saying. But either way, case closed or start over. Neither of which require me.”

“They might, actually,” Hotch said.

“What now?” I grumbled.

“We might still want to utilize your other skills.”

“And what are those, exactly? You can all profile just fine without me,” I scoffed. “Clearly, you’ve been doing just fine these past 15 months. Speaking of, where is my replacement?”

Looking around the room, I didn’t see Doctor Lewis.

“She’s gone for this one, so we could use another person,” Hotch acknowledged.

“Cool. So find another person.”

“Aundreya, we could use your ability to track down people. We can profile all we want, and have Garcia send us all the information she can dig up, but we need someone who can actually locate them. Someone who knows how to find people without a record or paper trail, who don’t want to be found. And based on the other working profile we have, that’s exactly the type of person we’d be tracking down.”

I let out an annoyed sigh and rolled my eyes. There was no way I was getting out of this, so I forced out, “Fine. Let’s find Reid’s girlfriend.”

The whole room of people, myself included, starting moving with a purpose toward something to do. Everyone except for Doctor Reid. He was just standing there, hands shoved in his pockets, staring at me.

I tried so hard to ignore him, and I was about to say something when Morgan beat me to it, placing a hand on his shoulder and murmuring, “Kid, what’s going on?”

His answer was not directed at Morgan. “Nothing else? That’s it, that’s all you have to say?”

I looked up at him and even I could feel the boredom in my eyes. “What else is there to say?”

After a few deafening moments, he sternly whispered, “Was any of it real?”

I could tell by his face the deeper questions behind it. Did you ever actually care about me? Were you just manipulating and using me the whole time? Was the possibility of ‘us’ just an illusion?

“I could ask you the same question,” I snapped. It suddenly felt like he and I were the only ones in the room, like we were moving across a silver screen while the rest of the team watched from their theatre seats.

“I still wanna know why.”

“Why what? There’s a lot I’ve done, you’re gonna have to be more specific,” I deadpanned.

“All of it. Prison, letting me take the fall, Darrell-”

I stopped him right there. “Inmates kill each other all the time. It was a means of survival. I had to, I couldn’t let you die, and I couldn’t let you be the killer either, now could I? You’re not the damaged one-”

It was his turn to cut me off, and I was surprised by his words, “You're not damaged.”

“What makes you so sure?” I was quick to refute, “Only one of us should have to carry that burden around. And like you said, what’s another name to add to my list?”

“Is that what you were carrying around with you all the time?” Prentiss’s question seemed so genuine, I just answered.

“Yes, that and…” then I realized what she’d just admitted to.

“And what?” she probed.

“Wait, were you guys watching me?” I accused. The silence that followed, along with ‘oh shit’ glances were all I needed. “You were, weren't you! That whole time you just watched? And did nothing to help me!”

“What were we supposed to do?” Morgan joined in.

“Something, anything!” I looked back over to Reid, his hands in his pockets and his eyes still burning up. “Do you even want me on this case?” I was looking for any and every excuse to get out of this room, and away from these people.

“You are a big help,” Hotch intervened.

“I didn’t ask you,” I shot Hotch a glance out of the corner of my eye, then directed my attention back at Reid, enunciating each word carefully, “Do you want me on this case?”

“Why would you ask that?” he dodged.

“Because last time I checked, I was supposed to be staying out of Maeve’s life,” I raised my eyebrows at him.

“You are, but these are extenuating circumstances,” he returned my look.

“So you do want my help,” I clarified.

“I want your skills.”

I let out a disgusted chuckle, venom dripping from my words. “Oh I get it. You only want me around when it's convenient for you. Otherwise you just wanna give up on me and let me rot in there.”

Reid broke eye contact with me. “All the evidence pointed to you.”

His words sent a shiver up my spine, as the neurons in my brain started firing at rapid speed. I’d heard those words before; rather, I’d seen those words before, and I couldn’t resist reciting what followed. “But the one thing you can’t stop thinking about is what Hotch said the night we got caught?”

His eyes immediately snapped back to mine, looking astonished. “What?”

I set my jaw, and continued, “That you were manipulating me the whole time and I’d fallen into the trap of a professional criminal, even as a profiler. I don’t want to believe that, but maybe it’s true.”

Derek jumped in, “What are you talking about?”

I ignored him. “Maybe you’re the one who’s been using me this whole time. I don’t have the answers, and I don’t think I ever will. Don’t keep tabs on me. I know you have the means to, in whatever capacity, but I don’t want you tracking my life.”

“Stop, Aundreya, please,” he pleaded. If you didn’t want those words getting out, didn’t want your team to realize how vile you could be, you should have thought about that before sending me that letter.

I wasn’t gonna stop. Instead, I started pulling the paper out of my pocket. “I no longer want you to be a part of it. And stay out of Maeve’s, in case you think that’s some twisted loophole you can use. This is no longer your family.” By the end, I felt just a little moisture coming to the surface, but I choked my tears back down.

“What is she talking about?” Morgan insisted.

Reid’s mouth was slightly open, struggling to find the right words to explain this. I wasn’t going to give him the chance. I tossed his letter, folded up to fit in my pocket, on the table. It slid across and stopped right in the middle. “His letter. The piece of paper you saw me walking around with, this is it. My list on one side, his letter on the other.”

“Aundreya-” Reid attempted.

“You didn’t even sign your name,” I shook my head, “You couldn’t even sign your fucking name. It’s pathetic. And just so you know, the evidence pointed toward me because I helped it to.”

“So you did or didn’t want to go to prison?” he asked me.

“Of course I didn’t want to go, Reid,” I answered like it was the dumbest question I’d ever heard.

“Then why'd you take the fall for me?”

“Because you didn’t do it.”

“But neither did you, right?”

It sounded like more of a mockery than a question, but I answered, “Right.”

“Then why did you do it?”

“Jesus Spence! I did it because I-” Oh shit.

All eyes were on me as he slowly asked, “You what?”

“Nothing. Forget it.” With that, I stormed out of the room using the back door, and made my way up to the rooftop.

The cool breeze hit me in an instant, and I relished in the fresh air. It’s crazy how easily I took that for granted the three years I was out. I leaned up against the railing as I soaked in this feeling. I wouldn’t get to keep it for long.

I heard the door creak open, and knew who it was before she could even say anything.

“You know, I understand why he’s mad. He thinks I let him sit in prison for something I did, you all do,” I quickly tacked on.

“That’s not true,” Emily’s voice could be so soft sometimes.

“It’s okay, I get why you all believe it. I would have too if I were you. I mean, my whole life has consisted of lying, manipulating, and cheating.” I looked over at her once she’d joined me at the railing. Her face was kind, as if she was inviting me to continue. “I hate everything about it.”

“Is that why your name is on the bottom of that list?”

I hadn’t even thought about them seeing that. Fuck me. “Did you know that Aundreya isn’t even my real name?” I offered instead.

“Alionth?” she guessed.

I gave a single laugh. “No. I was born Clara Spade. I was her all the way up until the Slaughterer saw me. When we went into WITSEC, my name was changed to Cassy Sae. I lived as her until our house burnt down, and I begged Gideon to help me disappear. Cassy Sae died that day with her mom and sister, and I changed my name again to Aundreya Chambers. It was Aundreya who hit the streets and joined a gang. It was Aundreya who was The Figure and moved up the ranks until she ran the joint. When the gang collapsed and I started the ring, I don’t know, I guess I just wanted a new name. A new name had marked the beginning of a new chapter in my life up until that point, why not keep the tradition, you know?” Emily nodded along to my words. “I chose Alionth because I’d already been using that as my stage name at clubs, and a lot of the people I recruited I met at clubs. I actually ran my whole operation out of one, so the name just naturally fell into place. Then I made just about the biggest mistake of my life, which landed me in prison. In prison, most people were street rats, so those who did know me, knew me as Aundreya, so I went back to being her.”

“And who are you now?” she asked me.

I sighed. “I… I have no idea. I’ve been Aundreya for the majority of my life, but I just don’t know if she’s good enough anymore.”

“It’s not about the name. I know you think it does, but the name has nothing to do with who you are.”

“I don’t know, it sure feels like that.”

“It’s not true. Falling into that trap is unwise, it’ll hurt you more than it already has,” her eyes were wide, and I could tell she was trying to read me.

“So you think I’m stupid?” I asked.

“No, the exact opposite actually. I think you are so smart and are looking so many steps ahead, that you can no longer see what’s right in front of you.”

“And what’s that?”

“That you’re afraid.” I scoffed at her, but she was completely serious.

“I am not,” I insisted.

“You are. You’ve been hurt so many times, betrayed even, and now you won’t allow anyone in.” She sounded like she was speaking from experience. The silence hung between us before she said what I’d been waiting on the whole time. “Just tell him.”

“What?” I tried to play it off.

“You know what I’m talking about,” Emily said, in that stern but caring tone she’d mastered. We both knew I knew what she was talking about, and I’d been too hopeful she’d ignore my near-confession only minutes earlier.

“I can’t,” I said, my voice dropping.

“Why not? I think he deserves to know that you lov-”

“Don’t say that,” I cut her off like my life depended on it, “Emily, I’m telling you, I can’t. I can’t do that to him,” my eyes were wide with pleading, and I’m sure I looked like a wild animal in headlights.

“Give me a good reason why.”

You say that as if I haven’t already compiled a list in my head of all the reasons we wouldn’t work over the past three years.

But I opted only for the biggest reason, the one at the very top of my list. “Because I’m terrified that it will kill us both.”

“Huh?”

“Look at us. We’re a disaster! I mean, hell knows, we’ve both already almost died for the other. I don’t want to take the chance that next time we won’t be so lucky,” I explained. And if we aren’t, at least one of us should be able to get out and that person is not me. I could tell there was something else lingering on Emily’s face, but I filled the airspace before she could. “No, I need him to hate me. It’ll be easier this way, because when this goes south, and it will go south, it makes it that much easier for him to just forget about me and move on, move on with Maeve, his great girlfriend who can actually be there for him in a way I haven’t been able to, in a way I don’t even think I’m capable of.”

“I would call going to prison for him ‘being there’ for him, even to an extreme, and I think you should let him make his own choice about how he feels about you,” she gave me a pointed look, “knowing all the facts.”

I shook my head. She just wasn’t getting this. “It’s better this way, trust me, I’ve seen it before, been there before, too many times. It’s better if he already hates me going into this. It would be unfair of me to lay that on him, knowing what I’m going to have to do.”

“And what is that?” I stared at her, open-mouthed, and once she realized I wasn’t going to answer her, she asked, “This is about more than just Maeve, isn’t it?”

Yes. There are people who are hunting me down, and I’m scared shitless that you, and Spencer, and the rest of the team will get caught in the crossfire, and yet again, it will be my fault that practically the only people on this planet I care about, who’ve actually cared about me at some point, will be dead. I wanted so badly to tell her, to get everything off my chest, but I just couldn’t. The less she, and the team, knew, the better.

“Is this about those other two names on the list?”

“You saw that, huh?”

“Yeah. Is that what this is also about? The whole ‘end of the world, protecting Reid’ vibe you have going on?”

I didn’t know how to answer, so again, I just stood there silently.

“It sounds to me like you’re giving up, expecting to die,” Emily filled in the silence.

“I am definitely expecting to die, and I’m expecting it to be nasty, and hateful, and to completely ruin me, yes. But like hell I’m giving up.” I wanted to make that perfectly clear.

“Good. So while I don’t know what else is going on, and you clearly aren’t open to telling me, I do know that Maeve needs our help. Yours specifically. And I can’t imagine how much this sucks for you, but-”

“I know,” I said, nodding, “We have a case.”

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

While Emily and I were out, the rest of the team had gone back to trying to put pieces together. The moment I walked in the door was the same moment Reid left. JJ walked out after him, but not before giving Emily a knowing look. It’s like they were tag teaming us or something. I tried to blow it off.

“Get anything?” I huffed.

“Maybe…” Derek trailed off.

“What does that mean?”

“We have a list of people we want you to look over,” Rossi said, handing over his tablet.

“Damn, already?” I questioned.

“Have you already forgotten how quickly I work?” Penelope looked over at me with an amused face.

“Well, time hasn’t exactly been my friend as of late so I might be a little rusty, but no, my liege, you just never cease to amaze me.” And with that, I felt some of the tension release from the room. Not much, but I’d take it. I think everyone would take it.

We worked well into the night, looking over people and sending pairs of agents out to question the promising ones, and as I expected, every single one was a dead end.

Until one of them wasn’t.

The boys had just got back from interviewing Robert Putnam’s, Maeve’s fiance, parents.

“He look good for this?” I asked as soon as Hotch stormed into the room, Rossi and Morgan right on his heels. Reid hung back, like we were repelling ends of a magnet.

“I want you on him.” Hotch had barely gotten the command out before I reached for the door handle.

“I don’t.” The words were hot and dry and coming from none other than Doctor Reid.

I stopped to face him. “Why not?”

“I don’t trust you. Who’s to say you won’t just run off? Then we’d let a high-profile criminal walk free and let Maeve…” he cut himself off, and I saw him swallow, probably choking down the tears with it.

“Reid,” Hotch barely drew his attention away from me.

“It’s okay,” I assured Hotch, “I get that you don’t trust me. None of you do. But I need you to make up your mind. Either you want me helping or you don’t.” When I got no more than a few blinks, I continued, “Look, you don’t have to trust me, okay? All you have to trust is my skills. Like you said, I’m a professional at things like this, so I can handle tracking one simple weasel. Not to mention, that if I didn’t want to be here, or I wanted to’ve escaped, I would have done it already. And if you’re worrying about my capacity to actually treat this case with some care, don’t. I already blindly tried to get myself shot for her before I even knew who she was, remember? So if you don’t wanna trust me, great. Don’t. I’m fine with that. But trust my abilities and what I know, what you know, I can do.”

I stared at him so long, that I wondered if small roots started pushing their way into the ground below me.

“Okay. Go,” was all I got, but it was all I needed.

I gave him a single nod, and headed for the door.

I got just a few feet out when Hotch’s voice caught me, “Chambers.”

I spun around to face him. Once he pulled the door shut, I asked, “What’s up?”

“He’ll come around.”

I snorted, “You’re funny, Aaron,” I spoke through laughs, “Got any other good jokes before I head out?”

“I’m serious.” I don’t know what it was in his tone, but it snapped me completely out of it.

“He won’t. I fucked up, real bad, and I broke a promise to him,” I lowered my voice so I was whisper-yelling the next part, “Hell! I killed a man in front of him!”

“We all have,” he nonchalantly stated. The disconnect I was feeling had to have been obvious, and he proceeded, “We shoot people in front of him all the time. We do it to save other people, we’ve even done it to save him a few times. How is it any different?”

My eyes went wide, and I couldn’t believe it was Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner who was saying these things to me right now. “No you don’t understand. I promised people, I promised myself, that that wasn’t who I was anymore. But that's exactly who I am. I said that I wouldn’t do things like that again, and then I did, breaking my promise and proving that I’m exactly the same as I was all those years ago. Someone you, and he, can’t trust.”

“We both know that’s not true.” I opened my mouth to protest, but he just kept going without me, “The way he reacted to you getting arrested that night is something I don’t think I’ll ever forget. He looked disgusted with me, after I aided you in your plan to get him out. He said to me, ‘You can’t do this, Hotch, you can’t let this happen!’ He was so hostile that he cussed at me and tried to hit me,” I audibly gasped at this information. I could never see Reid acting like that, but I would know just how much prison changes a person. “Morgan had to restrain him before all the work you’d just done to get him out of prison went to waste on something as stupid as him acting out.”

I didn’t know what to say, “Hotch, I…”

“I knew what you were doing, so while Morgan tried to get him to calm down, I told him that you were giving him an out. We knew that there was a very high likelihood that he was going to die in there, but we knew that you wouldn’t.” He offered a small chuckle then, which totally threw me for a loop.

“What is it, what’s funny?”

“Spencer said that we couldn’t know that, and it was Morgan who said, and I believe he used these exact words, ‘She’s strong. Plus, they’ll want her in solitary, worried that she’ll do much more damage to others than they’ll do to her.’”

Even I had to crack a smile at that. “He’s not wrong.”

“He definitely was not. I think he was still recovering from that nasty black eye you gave him.”

I offered a not-so-regretful grimace.

“One more thing,” I looked up at him as he spoke, his tone returning to that of seriousness. “It doesn’t have to be right now, or within the next couple of months even, but he deserves to know the truth.”

I don’t even know why I tried, but it was my natural reaction to deflect. “What are you talking about?”

“It doesn’t take a profiler to know that memorizing and reciting the only piece of contact you’ve had with him verbatim shows how much you care about him and what he thinks of you. And based on the sole fact that you don’t really seem to care at all what anyone thinks of you, that speaks volumes.”

I stood there blinking at him for a moment or two before having my wits come back to me. I started to shake my head, but he continued to speak.

“Do you really want to prove that you’re not like that anymore, that you’ve changed?”

He always seemed to know the right questions. I nodded my head, “Yes.”

The great Aaron Hotchner looked me straight in the eyes, “Then go catch this killer.”

Series Taglist (open)

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[strawberrysoup]

Inconsiderate

Thank you so much for the request @ozarkthedog​ I really hope you like it! I’ll revisit your other req soon for sure

Relationship: Steve Rogers x Reader

Prompts: #12 “We could... take a nap together” & #34 “Will you carry me to bed?” 

It had been so fucking convenient at first. You both lived and worked at the Avengers Compound, your schedule was consistent but flexible which worked nicely with his more sporadic and unyielding one. He was too wrapped up in his own head to accidentally catch any feelings and you had zero intentions of starting anything with someone like him.

Captain America was one of those always in the spotlight kinda guys, famous and intriguing and historically significant. The idea of being seen as Steve Rogers’ Girlfriend was petrifying in at least 5 different ways (+2 damage on specific calendar days: The 4th of July and Valentine’s Day). That wasn’t to say he wasn’t a great guy, because he absolutely was. He was a dream come true in multiple ways.

That was actually the problem, in fact. That Steve Rogers was a great fuckin’ guy. He was kind and thoughtful and sincere, all wrapped up in a beautiful angsty package. He didn’t just remember you offhandedly mentioning how much you enjoyed detailed coloring books and purchase you a couple, he hand drew a 40 page coloring book for you. When you complained the headset you wore at work made your ears hurt, he didn’t just buy you a new pair but he asked Tony Stark to make you better ones.

He also clammed up at the barest hint of emotion, acting like you had shocked him with a damn cattle prod the one time you’d said ‘I really like you Steve’. You hadn’t even meant it like that and he’d started twitching. You weren’t sure if it was a commitment phobia or what but it made fucking him 3 times a week a breeze (3 times a week might’ve been a lowball estimation but you told yourself he was out of town so often it averaged out the weeks where you couldn’t keep your hands off of each other).

Or, it was a breeze anyway. Until he continued to be so fucking perfect. It was inconsiderate of him, honestly, to remember your little brother’s birthday and also your practically excessive coffee order. He should’ve tried being more of a douche bag and then maybe you wouldn’t have started to maybe fall in love with him.

It was his fault, if you really thought about it. He didn’t have to be so kind and gentle and then turn around and plow you through a mattress with a hand around your throat. He really didn’t.

Settling on it being All His Damn Fault made avoiding him easier, for a couple of days at least. But your ire faded while his concerned and sad text messages kept coming and you quickly realized you needed to come up with both a lie regarding why you’d ghosted him and also get a fucking grip on yourself before you saw him again. Because you would of course, still be seeing him. You cursed your apparent penchant for self-destruction.

You worked through the whole day skillfully avoiding him, dodging and weaving almost like a real agent in your efforts to put off confronting him for just one more day. You’d text him in the evening when you got off and face him tomorrow, when you’d had enough time to thoroughly panic and then calm back down.

By the time you clocked off you were very ready to go home and vomit from anxiety before texting him. The door knob to your apartment turned when the built in handprint scanner cleared your identity and you burst in, slamming it shut behind you and dropping your purse in your haste to dash to the bathroom. It was a relief that your hair was already pulled back, you didn’t have the energy to wash your hair tonight.

It took a few minutes for you to realize you weren’t alone, that someone’s hand was on your back. When you built up the courage to look to the side, Steve was sitting there with that concerned puppy expression on his face.

“Is this why you haven’t been answering my texts?” His voice was a low rumble, fingers digging gently into the muscles of your back, “how long have you been sick? I was waiting for you to get home, didn’t expect you to run right past me.”

“I’m fine, sorry.” Embarrassment had settled over your skin like oil, slick and cold and heavy.

“Come on doll, up you go,” his hands came up under your arms and lifted you until you got your feet under you.

“Sorry Steve, I probably won’t be any fun tonight,” you told yourself that omitting the truth of why you’d been avoiding him wasn’t terribly important; he really didn’t need to know.

But you winced slightly and reached up to brush some of the tears off your face, what a thing to say. You hadn’t even looked in the mirror but you knew you looked like a whole ass disaster and it was so humiliating to look like that in front of Steve. He was constantly beautiful, fuck, he was probably pretty even when he was spewing chunks. It would be so much easier to get him to leave than try to explain all the details of why fucking you tonight would be an overall unenjoyable situation.

Plus, Steve rarely stuck around if it was just the two of you for an extended period of time that wasn’t going to result in sex. You couldn’t say for certain, but you were pretty sure he was afraid it might indicate some sort of intimacy. Despite the fact that you fucked, often, he did his best to keep you at a distance (not that it worked, you still fell in love with him—his fault, he should’ve done a better job).

“Oh, I—” He cut himself off, making sure you were carefully leaning against the bathroom counter before withdrawing a step, “well, I actually came over to check on you. I thought maybe I’d done something wrong, I wanted to apologize.”

He better stop being so goddamn concerned and sweet. You bit into your bottom lip maybe slightly harder than was a good idea, trying to reign your brain in from the errant thoughts that swam into your mind at his words. He was so fucking thoughtful, it was like he was trying to get you to suck his dick.

“No, Steve, you didn’t do anything wrong,” you shook your head and sighed, reaching for your toothbrush, “I’m the one who’s sorry, I’ve been ignoring everyone, not just you. I can definitely shoot you a text in a day or two, I’d hate to get you sick.”

An extra couple of days to avoid him sounded like just the trick to eradicate some pesky feelings.

“Well, I know…” Steve rubbed the back of his neck, “I know that usually you’d go to Sharon’s if you were sick, is everything okay?”

Ah yes, you could practically see him vibrating with discomfort as he broached something personal and intimate. It was par the course really and emphasized how important it would be to not fall in love with the emotionally stunted superhero you were fucking.

“Yeah, I just don’t want her to get sick either. It’s been… particularly uncomfortable,” that was actually true, you’d been very uncomfortable for the last few days.

“I don’t get sick you know,” his eyes met yours for just half a second before he looked away, “I could… I could stay with you, so you’re not alone. That’s why you go stay with Sharon usually, right?”

It was, yeah. Being alone while you were ill made you absolutely miserable and you’d cry the entire time, but Steve knowing that was so embarrassing. He wasn’t supposed to know that, which meant Sharon had been opening her big mouth recently. There was no telling the amount of confidential information had been breached at this point and you needed Steve out of your apartment, quickly, so you could phone the blonde and threaten to properly thrash her.

“I know you’re probably really tired, I won’t keep you up or anything,” you couldn’t for the life of you figure out why he was pressing further into not Strictly Booty Call Only territory, “We could… take a nap together? I’ll wake up in an hour or two to check on you, I could call some food up?”

You were quiet long enough to make him sweat, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. In a less serious predicament you might wonder if he’d been body snatched or hypnotized, but Steve was staring you down intently, fully cognizant of the fact he’d just asked to sleep in the same bed as you and have dinner with you later.

“That… sounds nice,” your chest tightened, an emotional war raging in your brain as your stupid crush on him tried to overcome your carefully crafted nonchalant mask, “I… um, I’ll just brush my teeth.”

“Yeah, I’ll be right back, okay?” He took a few steps back, glancing towards the door.

“Uh, yeah, sure thing.” Considering that you and Steve had gotten reasonably comfortable around each other, it was potentially the most uncomfortable conversation you’d had since you initially discussed a no strings attached fucking situation.

He skirted out of the bathroom and you turned your attention to brushing your teeth and washing your face, wincing slightly at the realization that he’d be seeing you for the first time without make up. You looked just a little pathetic when he came back barefoot (of course he’d had to remove his shoes next to the front door before going into your bedroom, it was just so goddamn endearing and polite), patting your face dry and frowning into the mirror.

“Don’t look so sad, you’ll feel better soon,” his conclusion was evidently that you were saddened to tears by your illness—which, depending on the bullshit Sharon had spewed, could potentially be backed up by evidence, “what can I do?”

You made your eyes big, looking up at him through your lashes to play it up, “will you carry me to bed?”

“Sure doll,” he swept you up in his arms with so much ease you could’ve swooned—you were allowed to take advantage of this situation, but only for a little while, you reasoned.

It couldn’t hurt too much to let him take care of you, right? It’s not like you could accidentally fall in love with him more.

[takadasaiko]

Aftermath (a Veronica Mars one shot)

FFN II AO3

Part of my Spanning Years, Continents series

Notes: I know these one shots were supposed to be movie to the beginning of S4, but this idea popped into my head a while back and I wasn't able to shake it, so here we go. It does take place after the S4 finale, but with the exception of Logan getting to live because I'm not a monster.

Summary: In the aftermath of Epner's last bomb, Logan struggles with recovery and what it cost him.

Aftermath

It wasn't that the waves were much louder on the ground floor than the third, but in the early hours of the morning when the rest of the world was silent, they sounded like they were. It was just one of the many things that Veronica had had to get used to in the new apartment over the course of the last few months. They'd been lucky, she knew, to catch an empty unit a few sections down from their own and on the ground floor so that Logan didn't have to struggle up three flights freshly home from the hospital. He would have given it the same stubborn effort that he'd given everything since the bomb had gone off, leaving him clinging to life without great odds at pulling through. He had, though. Stubbornly. Just like he had stubbornly pushed through surgeries and rehab. She had no doubt that he would have been willing to climb the stairs if that's what had needed to happen, but she hadn't wanted him to.

Anyway, this unit had a washer and dryer, she'd told him when he'd rolled his eyes at her from the hospital bed. It all worked out.

It had nothing to do with the overwhelming fear and guilt she had felt at seeing him lying on the street below their old unit or the fact that every time she risked a glance out their bedroom window she saw it happen all over again. The glass cutting her face and the pressure from the bomb sending her stumbling back. It had sent him flying too, but instead of a bed to catch his fall, he'd been tossed like a ragdoll into the building itself. The collision with the unyielding wall had broken bones and given him a bad concussion while shrapnel had done the rest of the damage. Nearly six months later he still wasn't back up to speed and the doctor warned him that there was a good chance he never would be.

Not that Logan listened to him. That could be for better or worse. The doctors had also told Veronica to make sure her new husband's affairs were in order and he'd proved them wrong there.

Veronica pulled in a deep breath, the sound of the waves doing nothing to lull her back to sleep with those thoughts rattling around in her brain. She turned in the bed, hoping that holding onto him and feeling his steady heartbeat would help ease her nerves, but found only empty space and rumpled sheets on his side. She sat up ramrod straight in the bed they shared, looking around the room still drenched in pre-dawn shadows. "Logan?"

Shuffling could be heard from the other side of the bathroom door now connected to their bedroom and, for the first time, she saw the light peeking out from under it. It opened and Logan shot her a curious look. "Hey. You okay?"

Veronica squinted against the fluorescent light shining into the bedroom and Logan seemed to notice as he reached back to switch it off. She watched - noting the very subtle limp that still worked its way into his step some mornings - as he made his way back to the bed and eased himself down. "You okay?" he had asked again, his brows drawn together with the question.

"Yeah. Yes. Just —" Just what? Thought he was really gone? Thought that the last six, nearly seven months had been a kinder dream to replace a realty her mind couldn't accept? It all sounded silly now that she was actually awake, so she forced a smile and rocked forward onto her knees. Her fingers teased at his hairline and the burn scars there, gently guiding him in until he met her halfway for a kiss. She leaned into it, feeling one of his hands against the side of her face and she tilted them both over so that he landed on his back, Veronica leaned over him with an impish smile. There was one way to banish those recurring fears. "I love you," she said firmly.

His thin lips quirked up into that lazy, amused smile she loved and he brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "I love you too, but I need to finish getting ready if I'm going to make it down to base by seven."

Her pre-caffeinated brain spun trying to figure out why he needed to be down at the base at all that day before it slammed head first onto the answer. "You have your physical today."

"Yep," he answered, kissing the tip of her nose and his tone a lot cheerier than she would have expected. His last physical had not gone as well as the Navy doctor - or Logan - had hoped. After about a day of moping around the apartment Logan had very pointedly brushed it off as still healing and buckled down to work even harder than before. Wanting it - needing it - had been what had gotten him through ROTC, through OCS, and continuing through one of the toughest military training programs there was, but it might not be enough to keep it now. Veronica had heard his physical therapist remind him the last time she'd picked him up that sometimes there was just no bouncing back to before an injury.

"You want me to go with you?" she asked, hoping he wouldn't read too much into the offer.

"Aren't you working a case?"

He rolled a little and she slid off of him, letting him up. "Yeah, but I can make time if you want me there."

"I'll be okay," he promised, leaning in to steal a quick kiss. "How about you make reservations and we'll celebrate good news at dinner tonight?"

"Logan —"

"It's fine. I've got this."

She watched him carefully, and damn it if he hadn't convinced himself of it. She just hoped he was right.

Slowly she unfolded and stood on the bed, stepping to the edge so that she could wrap her arms around his neck and look down on him, her fingers teasing his short hair. She took a breath and went in with him. "Yeah you do. We'll celebrate good news."

"You keep looking at me like that, Mrs Echolls and I'm not gonna make it to base," he muttered, mischief dancing through his eyes.

Veronica snorted and released him. "Then go get 'em, Mr Mars."

And on the heels of a joke they'd held onto throughout his recovery, he turned to finish getting ready to drive down to San Diego.

-------------

She knew the moment she saw him walk through the office door that the news had been less than he'd hoped for. They canceled the reservations and went home with takeout and a bottle of wine. He didn't talk. No quips, no brushoffs, not even an honest opinion or an explanation of exactly what the doctor had said or what it meant. Veronica didn't know if they were forcing him into retirement - or was it discharging him? She wasn't entirely sure - or if they'd pushed the decision down the line. His squad had already been deployed without him two months earlier - this time for a longer tour - and while she hated the idea of him shipping out to join them, the idea of him losing the job he loved so much - because of hers, the pesky thought tried to push its way to the forefront - wasn't any better. Sure, he'd be safer, but he loved what he did. He'd tried to describe the way it felt to fly his jet to her one time. The rush of an aerial dogfight, the thrill of hitting supersonic, and the way he could trust that his Wizzo Dave Riley had his back, both literally and figuratively. Even when his duties had shifted in the last couple of years and he found himself with boots on the ground from time to time, the people he trusted were right there with him. "They're family," he'd explained one time and she knew what that meant to him.

Now she was afraid that he'd lost that and she had no idea what to say. She'd never been particularly good at finding the right words to fill the awkward silence following a disaster she couldn't fix. She was good in a fight. She was good on a case. Something winnable. This…. she couldn't do anything for him besides be there and support him, but that never felt like enough. Too often she brushed past, opting instead to focus on anything tangible, but not here. She couldn't do that to him here.

Logan had barely touched the slice of pizza sitting in front of him, but his wine glass was almost empty. Veronica reached over to the bottle and poured the same amount she tended to reserve for his impromptu deployments: up to the lip of the glass. He shot her a look at that and she shrugged, finally pulling a mirthless snort that was close to a chuckle as he was capable of giving her in that moment. He reached over and she took his hand readily, feeling his fingers close around hers, his wedding band cool against her skin. He heaved a sigh, squaring his shoulders a little as he started to speak. "You know, right after I woke up in the hospital my first thought was shit, I bet that explosion just fucked my hearing. Woulda grounded me instantly."

"You got cleared on that three visits ago," Veronica murmured.

"Right? Didn't lose a limb, didn't damage my eyes or ears. I was lucky. I know I was lucky." She shifted on the bar stool and reached up tentatively, her freehand resting on his thigh. He tried for a smile and failed miserably. "I just couldn't pass the physical."

The words were like a knife to the gut and Veronica tightened her hold with both hands, feeling his own fingers around hers and he squeezed his eyes shut. He was done. They were taking his wings. They were taking the thing from him that had helped him find purpose in and that he'd devoted his adult life to.

She had taken it.

Veronica scooted off the stool and wrapped her arms around him, her forehead pressed against his arm as hot tears streaked down her cheeks. She felt as much as she heard him choke back a sob as he reached to hold onto her arm, his entire body trembling under the strain of it all. He'd fought so hard, but even he couldn't fight hard enough to win this one.

"I'm so sorry," she heard herself say, the words tumbling out again and again, faster and more desperate each time until he turned on his seat and suddenly he was standing there, his arms around her too and pulling her in.

He didn't say anything and her apologies eventually dwindled to get swallowed up by the sobs that still shook her. She felt his hand tangled in her hair, though, stroking it gently and he had her pulled close in that way that had always been meant to comfort. Even now, even after being responsible for this, he was trying to comfort her in whatever way he could manage. It wasn't fair.

She felt him pull in an unsteady breath and kiss the side of her head before leaning back. His eyes were rimmed red, the lines in his face a little deeper than usual with the strain of trying to hold himself together. "Veronica," he said firmly, even if his voice was rough. He waited until she met his gaze. "This is not your fault."

"Bullshit," she managed and swallowed hard, determined not to let another wave of sobs break free. "He was after me and he nearly killed you. I knew. Back in college I knew how dangerous this was. It's why I left. It's why I didn't come back until…"

"Till I asked you to."

"I knew this job was dangerous. Not just for me, but for everyone around me. Everyone I love. I went back to it anyway. I could have used my degree at a firm in San Diego or LA and lived here, but I was….so selfish. I knew I was putting everyone -" No, that's not right, Mars. If you're going to start, you better damn well own it."That I was putting you in danger. I did it anyway. I did this."

"No," he choked out, fresh tears building in his brown eyes and she hated that even now he was trying to defend her.

"This is my fault!" she shouted and lost the battle with her own will as she folded forward, unable to drag in enough air to satisfy her lungs.

He pulled her back in and held her close. "Don't ever apologize to me for being who you are. You're good at what you do and I…. I wish it weren't as dangerous as it is. You know I wish it wasn't, but that's for you. What happened to me is Epner's fault, not yours." She felt his finger under her chin, guiding her to look at him again. "You hear me?"

"Yeah," she said smally.

"You believe me?"

"I want to."

That pulled the tiniest of smiles from him and he leaned forward, kissing her forehead. "I love you. The Navy was everything once, but you…. I love you. I've loved you over half my life."

Veronica sniffed hard. "What now?"

He leaned down, catching her lips with his like that was his answer, and the moment she kissed him back he was lifting her off the floor. Veronica wrapped her legs around him and she could taste their tears in the kiss as he carried her back to the bedroom. He wasn't going to magically be okay with losing his career just like she wasn't going to instantly be able to - appropriately or not - redistribute the guilt she was feeling onto Penn Epner, but she could be there for him. And maybe, in time, she'd find a way to be a little better at that.

---------

The world didn't stop just because Logan felt like it should have. There were things to do, papers to sign, and - worst of all - a call he dreaded making. Thankfully he managed to hold it together on the Skype call with his squad, even if Riley of all people looked on the verge of breaking down. Riles wasn't the only one that reminded him that just because he didn't ship out with them didn't make him any less their family or them his.

Veronica spent the first few days after he got the news close by. She didn't ask him to talk about it, but listened when he wanted to . Even that couldn't go on forever, though, and eventually she started slipping out to the office. The bombing case had put Mars Investigation on the map even outside of Neptune and calls were coming in from all of the country. She wasn't taking anything out of town just yet, but Keith wasn't able to carry to load himself, even with the adjustment to his medication that had helped his memory issues. It was fine. Probably better than fine. Hopefully it meant that she was starting to accept that this really wasn't her fault.

Logan wasn't sure how long a person was supposed to take to mourn the loss of their career, but he was pretty sure he was due at least a few more days of moping. Dick hadn't agreed with him on that and had shown up on his doorstep with a surfboard and a chest full of beer that morning to drag him out to the beach. Well, it had always helped him clear his head when he was younger.

It was bordering on noon when he and Dick trudged their way back to where they'd left their things to find Veronica had brought her own beach towel and was stretched out with a magazine on cameras. She flashed him a bright smile. "Hiya, handsome."

"Always knew you had a thing for me, Ronnie," Dick chirped at his side and Logan rolled his eyes, elbowing the other man in the ribs.

"Hey. You calling it a day already? Careful, or someone's going to accuse you of keeping '09er hours."

"Well, I did marry one," she answered him with a wink.

Dick snorted and Logan elbowed him again before he had a chance to add to his earlier comment. He feigned injury. "That's what I get for trying to cheer you up, man."

Logan's lips stretched into an almost-smile. "Thanks."

"Anytime." Dick turned his attention back to Veronica. "You got him?"

"I do indeed," she answered cheerfully and popped to her feet. "You -" she directed at Logan this time - "go hop through the shower, then I'm kidnapping you."

"What for?"

"You'll see."

He glanced at Dick, looking for any hint he might give, and the blond shrugged.

"You think I'm dumb enough to give him details?" his wife laughed. "C'mon. We're on the clock."

Logan gave up trying to figure it out and did as he was told. Twenty minutes later he was showered and dressed, being ushered out to the convertible he'd bought four months before when he'd been cleared to drive again and it became clear that Veronica couldn't continue giving up her car or all of her time to make sure he made all of his doctors' appointments. He tried to swipe the keys from her, but she just smirked as she hopped into the driver's seat. "You don't know where we're going."

"Would if you'd tell me."

"Where's the fun in that?"

They worked their way through the back roads and he could tell she was trying to throw him off, but he knew the town too well and recognized the roundabout path she was taking to the private airport on the edge of town that Duncan's family used to fly their private plane out of. He didn't bother asking why, but settled into the passenger seat a little deeper and tried to push back the twinge of pain that the roar of a Gulfstream climbing overhead stirred in him.

"Veronica…" he started, suddenly finding himself utterly sapped of energy and wanting nothing more than to go home. They had come out here over the years and watched the planes coming and going. Veronica didn't get nearly as much out of it as he did, but he had loved to go on and on about them, always teasing her that he was going to buy some little single engine one day. She had rolled her eyes at him and told him not to even try it. He'd come close a couple of times, but the judgement would have been strong if he had.

"Trust me?"

He sighed, giving her a sharp nod.

They pulled around towards the hanger and parked off to the side. Veronica kept glancing at him, like she was constantly trying to gauge his mood. He could have saved her some time if she'd just asked: worse by the minute. "I'm really not in the mood to watch them."

"Good, because I thought you might want to fly one." She motioned to where a late 90's model Bonanza sat out on the runway. "You said that you can still fly, just not like the Navy needs you to be able to. I did some research and talked to Riley to make sure I understood everything correctly. He said you had gotten certified in a Bonanza several years ago and all you'd need to do to… re-certify?"

"Get current," he corrected and she nodded.

"Right, that's what he called it."

"Yeah, I just have to do what they call touch-and-goes. Three take offs and landings."

"Super easy, right?"

"Yeah." He felt his lips quirk upward despite his best efforts. "How long do we have her?"

"Unless Riley lied to me and you don't really love this model…. as long as you want?"

Logan stared at her. "You bought me a plane?"

"Well, technically, you bought you a plane, but apparently that marriage certificate means that your finance guy was willing to listen to the crazy idea and set everything up." The beautiful blue gaze of her latched onto him and Logan felt his heart stutter in his chest. "I know it's not a Hornet and I know it won't go mach… whatever, but you'll be in the air." He wasn't sure what his face was doing, but apparently it caught her by surprise. "Shit… do you hate? Is it too soon? I just -"

He leaned in, the kiss cutting off whatever she was going to say and he lifted her up off the ground and spun her a little before letting her feet drop back down and begrudgingly releasing her. Oh. That's it, he realized as he blinked through blurred vision. Tears could definitely give the wrong impression. "I love it," he swore. "It's perfect."

"You're not just saying that?"

"No. You wanna go up?"

She flashed him a bright smile. "See you fly first hand? Absolutely. I think we have to talk to the guy in the office before we just take off in it though."

"Probably so," Logan chuckled and caught her hand in his, pulling it up to press a quick kiss to her knuckles before starting into the hanger. The aftermath of the bombing, recovery, and his eventual medical discharge had been more than he could have ever handled alone, but he had her. Through all of it and for whatever came next. They'd figure it out together.

------------

Notes: So, fun fact: my dad has been a pilot all my life and when I was little (and it didn't break the bank to do it) he used to rent Bonanzas to fly us to different places. I have some very early and very fond memories of those flights, so when I needed a single engine for Logan to be certified in, that was my go-to.

[theworldsoul]

Okay so basically... lets talk.

I should've seen this coming. I should've known that after such a long period of happiness, something would give.

I went to pick up my glasses from the dinner table today, because that's where I left them. When I put them on... they wouldnt stay on. I checked and they were missing the two plastic parts that hold the glasses up and still on my nose.

I check the table for them, and I dont find them. Then I ask, like hey, did any of yall touch my glasses? Both the plastic things are missing. My dad IMMEDIATELY assumes that I took them off ON PURPOSE. For some reason. And I tell him no, i didnt touch them, all I remember is picking them up from the table and seeing the plastic bits missing.

Then I spend like an hour telling them no, I didnt break my own glasses, I FOUND them that way. And my dad is like mocking me, going "u always say 'I didnt do it!!!' Like you never do anything huh? I guess you're just perfect." And I'm like... BUT I ACTUALY DIDNT DO IT!!!!???!? and hes like "you never take responsibility for anything, blah blah, you're so fucking stupid, you act like a four year old, stop fucking crying, how dare you ask us if we know what happened, why are you trying to blame us, you obviously did it on purpose and now you're acting all surprised.." and I'm just sitting there. Taking it. Thinking to myself... wow. They automatically assumed the worst in me. And THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENS OFTEN!!! I get blamed for shit I didnt do all the fuckign time.

So I'm just. Crying. Because theres a certain amount of verbal abuse i can take and it's not very much. I'm being interrogated. And its distressing, because I cant PROVE that I didnt do it on.purpose, because i GENUINELY DONT REMEBER WHAT HAPPENED!!! so they just get to assume that i broke my own glasses.

Why would my dad jump to that conclusion so quickly? Simple answer: he literally hates me. He holds back, I know, but hes done this before and he'll do it again, hes shown and said what he REALLY THINKS and he'll say it again and do it again and again and again because his mask is slipping. I dont know what I did to make him hate me but he does. That's just how it is. I can't change that. Man, my parents behave like children.

Anwyays so I'm just very upset, in distress, crying really hard, trying not to say too much so I dont make them angrier but also always telling the truth, which is that I DIDN'T DO IT AND I DONT REMEBER ANYTHING HAPPENEING TO THE GLASSES!!

He asks me, who did it then? I say I dont know but it wasnt me. He said who then, if not you. I said I dont know. He didnt believe me!!!

I hate when I tell the truth and people dont believe it. Like... this is the truth. I have nothing more to offer you. Take what little I give, cos it's my fucking blood.

Anyways in the meantime my mom is checking, looking for the plastic bits. She finds them in my coat pocket.

I am proven innocent. At what cost? Well, now I'm shaking, curled up into a ball, crying, and in actual pain. My brain cant handle so much pain so it transfers it to physical pain. So there I am. A fucking kid. Who's been punished for somehting he didn't do. And theres the proof.

My dad fixed the glasses. Left me there on the couch, still trembling. Gave them to me in a case. Said I gotta be careful. I said thank you. Because, even if I'm upset, I gotta make sure other people dont get upset. He said sorry, but he said it in this huffy way that made it sound reluctant. Then he was like, I said sorry so stop crying.

He wanted a kiss on the cheek and I was gonna give him one because I dont want to seem like a dickhead, he DID apologize... and if you dont accept my dads apologies and move on and pretend that the word "sorry" fixes everything, he gets even more angry and i REALLY dont want to deal with him guilt ripping me over it. So I lean in for a little kiss and... I cant. I cant do it. My face crinkles up all ugly and I start crying hysterically every time I get close. I try a few times but I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of like... oh god. I felt so hurt. Like a scared little rabbit. Oh shit, I was fucking scared. I couldnt do it. It made me feel disgusted.

I said, later I'll do it.

I dont know why he thinks he can hurt me so bad and make me cry, then give some shitty apology and expect me to change my mood entirely and go back to being all happy. That's not how it works. If you hurt someone, they stay hurt. Your shitty little word, "sorry", doesnt make me feel any better and doesnt fix any of the damage.... but I have to pretend like it does because if I dont you get mad, and you say I'm mean for not accepting the apology,,,

Later on, he did come for a kiss again. I was in my room, pretending to be busy so he would ignore me but he didnt. This time, I didnt kiss him but I allowed him to kiss me. I just... I couldnt kiss him. I was holding back tears, and i knew if i tried to kiss him i would start crying all over again and make him upset or angry. So I just sorta... let him kiss me on my forehead. Then I went to the bathroom fast as I could, acting like I had to brush my teeth.

I locked the door, sank to my knees, and cried. Hard.

I just wish that I had a dad who loved me, or who knew how to love me... or who I knew loved me, a dad who knew what he was doing, so I didnt have to debate if he loved me or not in my head.

God. I feel so small. Like I literally feel like a little kid right now. Fucking hell. Looks like tonight I'll be indulging in my delusions, playing pretend.

It's sad that my parents fuck me up, but its sadder that afterwards I dont have anyone to comfort me and help heal me.... only myself and whoever I bring to life in my imagination.

Sometimes when I get overly upset, when I'm pushed to the edge like this, I begin to feel... a lot younger? Like shockingly younger. I'm not even the same dude anymore, I'm a fucking five year old all of a sudden. Which makes the situation even more scary and painful.

Just imagine like, a hurt scared little kid with no one to help him. He's tryna pick himself off the ground and hes telling himself "shhhhh... it'll be okay" that's me. That's literally me and it makes me feel so fucking BAD but its true.

I've been breaking down. Earlier in the day I had trouble on a quiz because I didn't know the definition of a word in a poem and I couldnt answer the question (does character A like character B?) And when I asked they said they couldnt tell me which was bullshit but whatever. Uhm so I got upset. Like, scarily upset. I gave up, wrote that i didnt want to do the question on the paper, guessed at half the answers, crumpled it up and threw it to the ground. Then I just... spaced out for the rest of class because I was STILL upset and fuck them.

At one point I left to go cry in the bathroom, but when i went in there, all the stalls were taken and there was a huge group of guys in there, like maybe ten people in there total, so I ran back out and was like fuck now what. Now I wait. I waited and nobody came out. I double checked and they were sitll there and I ran out again. I dashed to another bathroom down the hall hoping it was empty. I was blasting metal in my ears to try and drown out the FEELINGS, I hate feeling things. Got into a stall, slammed the door, started CRYING, sobbing, talking to myself, all of this with metal music blaring out of my headphones. I composed myself. When I went out of the stall I checked my eyeliner and it was... well, you could TELL I cried. I didnt bother with it tho, i just ran out of there.

Ugh and when I got back I kept doing the stim that usually evolves into literally hitting myself, so that was. Bad. At least this time I refrained from beating the shit outta my own left arm.

God.. I hope everyone who hurts me, everyone who ever fucking hurt me, feels GUILTY as all hell. I hope whatever being made me FEEL all these emotions so hard so strong so fast, ROTS. because nobody deserves to feel so intensely upset that they resort to the worst ways of coping. No one.

I'm just glad I didnt relapse. That's a positive.

[hazelnmae]

Out to Sea Again: Chapter 7

Well, first of all, I’m sorry it’s taken a while to get this posted! I’ve been traveling a bit and caught up with work and just haven’t had enough time to write. The struggle!!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy!! XOXO Warnings: just angst this time

Pairings: Alfie x Reader; Tommy x Reader

Chapter 7 (read chapter 6 here)

You woke up in a cold sweat, shooting straight up in the bed. The lack of Alfie’s warm body beside you only added to the panic you felt in your chest. He hadn’t been home all day and you were terrified he somehow knew that Tommy had been there.

After he kissed you, Tommy had promptly placed his hat back on his head and walked out the door, without saying a word. 

You had been left standing in utter shock in the doorway.

In truth, you weren’t surprised that he’d kissed you. You weren’t oblivious to the way he looked at you. And, of course, you’d felt the tension between you growing since the day you’d met. 

But you were surprised you’d kissed him back. Through all of this, you’d remained steadfast in your love for Alfie. And in truth, even kissing Tommy hadn’t changed that.

You loved Alfie. With all of your heart. And had for as long as you could remember. He provided for you, cared for you, and protected you, always. Which added to the confusion you were experiencing. 

It’s not that you were in love with Tommy. You weren’t so naive as to think that. But you were intrigued by him. Fascinated by him. And excited by him. 

And sitting in your bed, drenched in a cold sweat, you thought about him. About that kiss. About  how his hands found their way into your hair, the way he pressed his body against yours, the warmth of him intoxicating you. About his taste, the way your tongue felt against his, the way your toes curled in your shoes and your hips uncontrollably pressed into him. About the way he left you breathless when he pulled away. About the way you wanted to lean in for more but somehow fought the urge. 

And the way he’d walked away as if it had never happened. 

But it had. And you had no idea what to do about it now.

Unable to force yourself back to sleep, you got out of bed and made your way to the kitchen, putting the kettle on and sitting at the small table. 

As you sat steeping your tea well beyond what you should have, you heard the front door open. You could sense Alfie before you could see him. The house always felt different with him in it. As if it were warmer, safer, more like home. 

You already knew something was wrong but his face confirmed it when he turned the corner into the kitchen. 

You’d seen many emotions on Alfie’s face over the years. He was one to wear his reactions clearly on his face, never able to hide them, at least not from you. You’d seen anger there, shock, horror, frustration. But you’d also seen happiness, contentment, and love.

Tonight, though, you only saw sadness. 

He didn’t need to say anything. You already knew he knew. And your mind starting running on overdrive trying to work out how he’d found out. Had Tommy told him? Had a neighbor seen? Did he even know the extent of it? 

Your heart raced. You felt faint. But he snapped you out of your panic it when he spoke, the sound of his voice always bringing you back down to reality.

“We need to talk,” was all he said. 

You looked into your tea, unable to immediately respond. You were paralized--so fearful for what would come next. 

It wasn’t that you were afraid of Alfie, he’d never been rough or cruel with you. Rather, you were terrified of hurting him. It was the last thing in the world you wanted. But you knew it was too late. The damage had been done.

“What did he tell you?” he asked, calmly taking the seat across the table from you. He placed his hat on the table and you watched as he spun the ring on his thumb while he awaited your answer.

You cleared your throat, pushing down the sob that was trying to break free. 

“Nothing,” you finally answered after an awkward silence. 

But Alfie wasn’t buying that and he stared at you until you gave him what he wanted.

“He said you’re lying to me,” you finally offered.

“Hmm,” he nodded in response. “And I suppose you believe him? Is it the gypsy thing, then?”

“Alfie, you know me better than that,” you said, wiping a single tear away from your cheek. “I just don’t know what to believe.”

“What is it, then? Eh? Cause I’ve been wracking my fucking brain and I can’t piece it together.”

“I can’t either, Alf,” you said with a small shrug.

His gaze was too much for you to bear and you turned your head away, trying to concentrate on the kettle rather than looking at the disappointment on his face. 

“Look at me, love.” 

The way he used your pet name restored a bit of hope in your heart. You felt your face warm with the thought that maybe you’d be able to salvage this.

You did as he asked and turned back to look at him.

“Why on earth would I ever willingly do business with those dirty fuckin’ Russians? Hm? You know they butchered my mother!” Alfie’s anger had finally gotten the best of him and he slammed his hand on the table. 

You just blinked back the tears and mustered the strength to respond. 

“But you are, Alfie. Are you seriously going to deny that?”

“Here you sit, yeah? Letting Tommy fuckin’ Shelby get into your fuckin’ head. Letting that gypsy scum play games and cloud your judgement.”

“Gypsy scum?” it was your turn to grow angry. “How dare you,” you said, clenching your fists to keep your hands from shaking. 

“You believe I’m doing this willingly?”

“I told you, I don’t know what to believe--”

“--And you fuckin’ kissed him,” he interrupted, shaking his head.

There it was. You couldn’t respond--could barely breathe. You had no idea what you’d say even if you rouse the strength to push words from your throat. There was nothing to say. 

Alfie rubbed his hand over his face and let out a deep breath. You could tell he was trying to control his anger, that he was struggling himself to decide how to proceed. 

“Maybe it’s best if I leave for a while.” 

His words felt like a kick in the gut. Your heart dropped to your stomach. You weren’t surprised to hear them, but were devastated it’d come to this.

“It should be me that goes,” you responded.

Alfie just nodded and looked away, training his vision on the kettle himself as he tried to avoid your sad expression as you’d done to avoid his earlier. 

The next hour passed painfully as your packed a small suitcase. You purposely took very little, still hopeful you’d come back to the house you shared with Alfie. He’d said “for a while,” not “forever.” And that gave you hope, even if it was a minuscule amount. 

You knew you wouldn’t need much where you were going, anyway. So why bother.

He sat in the same spot at the kitchen table as you packed and prepared to leave. The sun had just come up, and the fog lay thick in the street outside the house. He’d called Ollie to drive you, and he sat silently in the car parked outside. 

Alfie walked with you to the door.

It broke your heart to break his. You knew this was your own doing, but Alfie somehow seemed as if he thought it was his fault. He didn’t say as much, but you knew him well enough to know what his eyes said even when he didn’t speak. 

In a desperate attempt to reassure him, you raised a hand to his cheek and looked deep into his eyes once more. 

“For what it’s worth, I never wanted him. It’s always been you, Alfie.”

Alfie chuckled and shook his head--a gesture he used to make often and one that sent a chill down your spine. You realized in that moment that you’d been missing your Alfie for a long time now. He reached up to mirror your own movement, stroking your cheek with his thumb.

“You know, love, I think it’s incredibly sad you actually believe that.”

____________________________

The car pulled up outside of the imposing estate and you took a deep breath. This was going to be more difficult than you were prepared for, but you knew it had to be done. You left your small suitcase in the back seat and asked Ollie to wait for you, assuring him you’d be back before too long to continue your journey.

You reached slowly for the brass knocker, suddenly afraid of what you knew you’d find on the other side of the large wooden doors. 

Within seconds, the door opened and a large, dark haired woman in a maids uniform was standing in the entry. She looked at you, without saying a word, and waited for you to speak first.

You swallowed the lump in your throat.

“My name is (Y/N) and I’m here to see Duchess Petrovna.”

____________________________

Thank you, as always, for reading along. Comments and feedback always welcome!

Tag list:  @chellestrash @evelynshelby @higgles123 @justanothershelby @l0tsofpennies @leilanixx @queenmissfit @peachlle @brianaisasongbird @udontadixonlover @thewallpapergoesorido @peakys-mystic​ @misunderstood-sinner​ @ilycosimo 

[leechfluff]

Transformation (2/2)

Part 1

Content Alert For - Stuffing (aftermath), transformation, body horror, vague hints to blood drinking, mild belly kink, hurt with comfort, very mild whump, gagging (no vomit), hints to a past abusive relationship.

Note- I plan on doing way more with these characters but this is the end part of their first story. Please feel free to send in asks for my OC's at anytime or to ask me anything! I'd love some ideas for drawing them.

Cardinal cursed at the lock, jiggling the key until it finally gave and let them cross into the dark room. It was messy, but not overly so. The desk (as usual) being the focal point, covered in its usual clutter of pens, paper and coffee cups.

They entered the kitchen, not bothering to hit any of the lights on the way through. The light was unnecessary, their vision worked better in the dark than in the light if they were to tell the truth. As they bent over to put the container of soup into the fridge, their stomach gave out an unhappy grumble.

"Oh hush." Cardinal mumbled in response, rubbing at the taught skin in an attempt to quiet it down and wishing they had thought to wear a hoodie rather than the snug T-Shirt. Really, they'd barely even fed. Just enough that they wouldn't have to worry about it. Still, their stomach stuck out unhappily and complained at any sudden movements. It would be an excuse to steal one of Grace's hoodies, something soft and warm.

The young vampire was brought out of their thoughts by a loud thud from Grace's bedroom. Followed by crashing and more thudding, like furniture being knocked over. Cardinal froze, listening up at the rapid heart beat pounding overhead.

It was louder than it should have been, faster too. The most concerning thing however was the sound of claws on wood. A fact that was especially upsetting considering Grace didn’t have any pets, especially nothing that large.

Cardinal crept up the stairs, not even breathing as the sound of breaking glass carried through the home. The door was closed tight, and no light shone from underneath. The scrabbling noise increased, it sounded like the claws were scraping drywall now.

In a single, fluid, movement Cardinal wrenched the door open before sliding in and slamming it behind them. Whatever they had been expecting, the large wolf escaping through the (now broken) window left them at somewhat of a loss for words. There was no sign of Grace, and the animal had clearly not been dragging her with it.

There was no evidence of a struggle, no blood on the sheets, and the air smelled strongly of Grace albeit sharper than Cardinal ever remembered it being. The dresser had been knocked over in the creature's (in her) attempts to escape. It was apparent nothing had entered or exited the room recently other than the concerned vampire.

The pieces fit together in an unfortunate manner, making Cardinal groan in dread. This… wasn't how they had ever wanted to introduce their girlfriend into this world but it was happening regardless. Time to minimize the damage, at least to Grace anyway. 

--------

The first thing Grace did when she woke up was groan.

Everything hurt. Her joints cracked and popped as she stirred and her muscles complained. Her head pounded in a way reminiscent of a hangover, but worse in it's own special way.

Potentially topping the migraine however, was the cramping pain coming from her stomach.

"Easy, I don't know exactly what you did but I reckon you feel pretty bad right now"

It was Cardinal, in a voice as smooth as honey. Soothing the headache to a degree. 

Grace struggled against the blanket laid over her, feverishly trying to get up.

"Hey, just lie down. Please, Grace. Just lie back down."

She did, that sticky-sweet voice drawing her in. The blanket was pulled back, leaving a sheet to cover her.

A sheet that was the only thing covering her naked body.

"I'm going to grab you some clothes and help you get them on, ok?"

The voice was less sticky now, more recognizable. Once again Grace felt acutely aware of the heavy, painful feeling in her stomach. A feeling accentuated by a prolonged groan.

Finally, her eyes fluttered open. Cardinal was holding a tshirt and shorts, an older outfit Grace usually wore when sleeping. Their hair was wild, sticking up all over and falling in their eyes. Their dark shirt was ripped and muddy and their pants were much the same way. It was a simple outfit that Grace didn't think she'd ever seen worn before on the petite figure. 

"Wha' happened to ya shirt?"

Grace didn't even register how bad her mouth tasted until she opened it. Coppery and foul, with a touch of something gone off.

That was the breaking point and she bolted upright despite her painful stomach and leaned off the bed as she retched.

And retched.

And try as she might nothing came up but strings of saliva for her efforts.

A cool hand rested on one shoulder and supported her until it ended.

"I'm sorry. God- just- just lean back. Oh God" 

Grace hadn't even realized she had her arms cradled around her stomach. What was typically fairly average and flat was stretched out painfully. Hard and round, it had expanded outwards a significant amount and with every threatening gurgle she felt as though she was going to vomit.

But it never happened.

The cool hands pulled her back until she was no longer hanging off the bed. Hands pulling her shirt over her head as she numbly complied by lifting her arms gently. The soft shirt was still baggy around her shoulders and chest but was just barely snug around the mysterious belly. Every movement of her midsection left her panting on the verge of gagging as she worked with her partner to get the shirt on.

Cardinal leaned her back onto the bed before lying beside her, on top of the sheets that covered Grace's bare legs. Her stomach let out a long gurgle in protest of the movement and a pale hand reached tentatively for it, pausing before gently rubbing it. The motion was painful as first, eliciting groans both from Grace and her tortured stomach. Soon however, the pressure seemed to lessen and Grace belched wetly. The taste almost brought on another retching fit, but the slight decrease in pressure and the relief it brought helped immensely.

"What…" Grace coughed, and held a hand to her swollen midsection.

"I…" Cardinal froze. Their voice was soft as they stammered, "What do you- um. You…" 

They took a deep breath.

"You might be a, uh…"

"Werewolf?" Grace croaked out.

Cardinal shifted their body weight suddenly.

"How did you even know to guess that?"

"Had an ex-boyfriend who bragged... well it was threats really but I thought he was full of shit. Not to say he wasn’t-" she burped again, less satisfying this time but it helped "Just not about that. I guess."

"How much do you know?"

"Not much." Grace admitted. "I thought he was trying to be funny, then I thought it was annoying when he threatened me with it. He called me last month all pissy and angry. I told myself that the nightmares I had that night were coincidental. That it didn’t mean anything, just my subconscious picking up on his claims."

Another burp, more relief and unbelievably her brain presented the idea of actually trying to go get something to eat. An idea that made Grace almost want to weep.

Instead, she curled up as Cardinal lay still and silent at her back. Soon she was asleep again.

-----

This time when Grace woke up she could move. She felt… good actually. Really good. Her stomach still had a small paunch to it but nothing like the painful, heavy lump she had woken up to. 

The smell of coconut curry soup wafted through the open door, and Grace was on the verge of drooling as she pulled on her shorts and hurried towards the kitchen. Trying hard not to run down the stairs and trip in her haste she stuck a head around the corner into the kitchen

Cardinal was standing there, with an amused expression. 

"Glad to know you feel a bit better."

Grace nodded as she grabbed the bowl of soup sitting on the counter, barely even bothering with the spoon. It didn't fully end the ravenous hunger, but gave her room to think with a clearer head. 

"Yeah, I do." She glanced around the kitchen hoping to spot some more but was out of luck. The rest of the soup must have been in the fridge still 

"God. This is insane. I don't think I've ever been so hungry in my goddamn life and considering this morning I really shouldn't be."

"I think it's just part of it darling. Best to eat when you're human, at least then you have more of a choice."

Grace stopped for a moment. Gears turning. If her stomach had been full, then she must have eaten something and if she were to go by the rancid taste in her mouth when she first woke up...

"What exactly did I eat last night?"

"Honestly? Not a fucking clue but your breath was rank and you certainly seemed to regret it. I had to carry you back. That is, after I chased you through the woods for several hours."

Grace groaned and leaned against the counter. 

"It's not over yet, is it? So will several days a month be trying to consume literally anything I can rationalize as food or is this an all the time thing?"

"You're asking the wrong person, I have no idea."

Grace eyed them suspiciously. Her rational side finally catching up despite the weirdness of it all. 

How did they know this? How did they know any of this?

"Got something you want to share?" Grace kept her tone controlled, looking Cardinal dead in the eye.

Their partners' body language shifted, from comfortable to mildy self-conscious. Like they were trying to shrink in on themself.

“What do you mean?

She poked Cardinal in the stomach, where the soft skin bulged beneath the hoodie stolen from her closet. It was obviously an attempt to be subtle, but it wasn't the first time they had been mysteriously bloated. Typically they just tried to pass it off as a food allergy or intolerance. Other times they both just ignored it.

"Between the belly and the nighttime disappearance act-"

"I'm not a werewolf. I'm something else. Think more along the bloodsucking side of the spectrum."

Grace recoiled before gently poking Cardinals firm stomach. 

"So… You're like a tick or a leech or something?"

"I think vampire is the politically correct term, but yes."

"So… you were going to tell me when?"

Cardinal grimaced.

"Probably not now and not like this. I just… I was worried about you."

"Hmm."

"Are you mad?"

Grace paused in the tactile exploration of her lover's distended stomach before grabbing them by the face and kissing them slowly.

Cardinal pulled away gently, lifting their head and looking them in the eye.

"We should make sure you actually eat enough today. I really don't want to have to chase you through the woods again."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I have a friend who’s a bit more in touch with this sort of stuff that I am. He said you should actually go ahead and cave to that growling stomach of yours. Supposedly it’ll make the change easier, and will hopefully keep you from trying to go hunting.”

"Hunting? What was I even hunting?"

"Judging by the smell, you didn't hunt anything. You found it."

Grace grimaced, not even wanting to know anymore.

She leaned into her partner, the ghost of the pain she had felt this morning when she woke up was still fresh and that gut had to be a little sore. It gurgled softly, as if in reaction to her thoughts.

"You ok?" She said, putting a hand gently on their stomach.

"Hmm?" Cardinal glanced down and laughed. "Oh yeah, this is mild really. I stopped short to come back early. I wanted to go ahead and check on you. Turned out that was a good idea, wouldn't have wanted you stumbling naked back to your house just to find the door locked."

Grace hummed in response, already casting her eyes around the kitchen for more food. 

It was going to be a long day.

----------------------

Grace woke up suddenly, having fallen asleep on the couch with her small partner curled up next to her.

It was easy to realize what had woken her up.

"Holy hell."

At her exclamation Cardinal stirred.

"What's up?"

Grace didn't even answer, trying to stand up and immediately collapsing onto her knees as a wave of vertigo washed over her.

There was swearing from Cardinal, then the short vampire picked her up and set her down on the couch. 

"Your bedroom window is broken. We decided you should stay down here, remember?"

Grace shook her head, a clawing pain in her throat starting to bring her to tears. As if reading her mind Cardinal grabbed a water bottle, removed the top and steadied Grace's hands as she downed the whole thing. The pain didn't go away, but as she moved her joints started to crack and pop.

-----------------

Cardinal watched helplessly, their enhanced hearing picking up every shift and squelch as Grace's body began to rearrange itself. The taller girl curled in on herself, shivering even as her temperature skyrocketed.

"I-it's going faster this time." 

Grace managed to force out the words as Cardinal helped her with her shirt. Despite the close relationship, the vampire still grabbed a light blanket and wrapped it around the werewolf. Covering her bare torso and hiding the disconcerting warping of tissue and bone beneath the skin. Then, they carefully massaged her back along the spine and shoulder blades and tried to ignore the feeling of bones moving under the skin every so often.

Caelum had said this would be rough, and not just for Grace either. As usual, the witch was right. However, Cardinal had more sympathy for the person actually going through the change than for the person who only had to listen.

And watch.

And feel.

Grace moaned feverishly, a sound that lengthened into a yell as her muscles clenched abruptly.

It cut off suddenly with a choking noise, and Cardinal instinctively backed away as the girl convulsed. When it got to be too much, they closed their eyes. Refusing to look at Grace’s body was forced into its other form.

Until the noises stopped, and something bumped their leg. They jerked their head up, obviously startling the large gray and copper wolf who jumped up and scrambled back like a scared dog.

Guilt tugged at Cardinal’s insides from the sight. Some half forgotten tidbit of information presented itself to her mind. Something about helping werewolves by saying their name.

Well, it was worth a shot. Right?

“Hey-” 

The wolf began snarling, and Cardinal swiftly realized the large animal had backed itself into a corner.

“Grace, it’s ok. You know me. I won’t hurt you, and you don’t have to worry about hurting me, ok?”

The animal still seemed wary, but it recognized the name.

“Grace, you there sweetheart?”

They suspected they knew the answer. The wolf was definitely intelligent, but something was clearly lost in the transformation. Leaving a wild animal with some version of human rationality. A fun concept considering Grace already had the incredible ability to get into heaps of trouble, even when not high off of adrenaline and moonlight.

The wolf stopped snarling, cocking her head before rushing Cardinal and knocking them to the ground.

Cardinal yelped hands going up in an instinctive attempt to protect their face as the wolf-

Started licking their face like an excited puppy.

The vampire laughed, gently rubbing their hands through the unbelievably thick fur while they tried to come up with ways to keep the energetic werewolf occupied and the damage to a minimum.

[im-whatchamccallit]

One Night//Mark Tuan (Got7)

Part 2 | Masterlist| Rules

Requested?: Yes

Pairing: Mark Tuan x Fem!Reader

Genre: Smut, some fluff

Warnings: Sex, bad writing?

Words: 4.74k

(A/N: Okay, I was supposed to upload this days ago but I’ve been watching anime and ignoring my responsibilities. My bad.)

You were different.

Something about you was so off yet Mark couldn’t seem to put a finger on it. Was it your eyes, or perhaps your hair? Maybe even your clothes? Whatever his guess was, he was right.

You weren’t in your usual baggy clothes, wearing the bulky reading glasses you’ve had for years and your hair wasn’t a frizzed mess. Instead you were in heels! And a dress! Your face was covered in makeup that was subtle yet bold, and your hair was actually combed. You were a completely different person. That’s why, when you felt your roommate’s stare, your eyes not meeting his as you dug through your purse to make sure you had everything necessary for the night, you didn’t question it.

“Where are you going dressed like that?” He finally asked, a proud smirk on your face as you closed and secured your bag, adjusting the chain strap on your shoulder.

“I have a date tonight.”

“Really? And it only took you 8 months.” Mark joked, causing you to roll your eyes.

He was right though. Since you first moved to Seoul, you hadn’t gone on a date or met anyone you truly wanted to date, your primary focus being work. But you began to remind yourself that you could find love in the most unusual places, typically with the most unusual person. So, after swallowing your pride and mustering up the courage, you accepted a date with your coworker, agreeing to meet him tonight at the Italian restaurant just down the street from your home. Honestly, you never felt more excited. You felt like you had a social life again and everything would be going right for you at this point, so no amount of Mark’s teasing would damage your spirits.

“Whatever. Just know you shouldn’t be expecting me tonight so don’t wait up.” You said playfully, waving to the male on the sofa as you exited the apartment, positive this would be one of the best nights of your life.

And it wasn’t.

Not even an hour and a half later, you stumbled into the apartment, a deep frown on your face as you kicked your heels off into an abandoned corner before slamming the door shut. Mark peeked his head from the kitchen’s opening, smiling brightly despite your scowl.

“Hey, you’re back!” He called out to you, walking out with a sandwich and soda.

You said nothing as you plopped onto the sofa, tossing your purse to the ground and staring ahead at the paused movie on the television. Mark cautiously placed his food onto the table in front of him and sat, eying you to see if he should be sympathetic or try to lift you from your bad mood, the way your lips quivered slightly as they began to form a pout telling him that first option was best.

“Bad date?” His gentle voice gained your attention, your eyes wandering over to him before you let out your first sound since being home: a whimper. A pathetic one at that.

“I just wanted to go on one normal, simple date with a normal, simple guy. I put on a fucking dress, Mark! It’s 10pm and I’m on my fucking couch in a dress! The worse part was when his wife showed up and confronted him in front of everyone. And if public embarrassment wasn’t bad enough, I had to walk home, because I didn’t want to wait until they finished arguing to ask him for a ride.”

You watched Mark lean forward, pulling you into a tight hug that you happily sank into. Besides the utter humiliation you felt, the walk home gave you time to think, causing you to feel nothing but sadness and anger at this point. Sure, going out with a married man was pretty upsetting, but you were more upset with yourself. You were so desperate and vulnerable that you ignored the fact he wore his wedding ring every day and had a picture of her on his desk that he would turn a second too late whenever you were around. Maybe love wasn’t what you needed right now, maybe you were just struggling with loneliness. Although the way Mark held you was satisfying the desperation you had before, the warmth of his body enclosing yours and making you want to seep further into him, causing your body to feel tingly and sultry. If it wasn’t love you needed, maybe it was…

“Mark.” You said unexpectedly, sitting up to catch his wide eyed gaze, waiting for you to explain what the sudden outburst was for.

“Do you think it’s possible that I only want a relationship for the physical aspects of it?”

“Excuse me?” He chuckled, confused by the way you worded your statement, your body shifting as you tried to say it in the least embarrassing way possible.

“I’m saying I’ve been here for almost a year and haven’t been fulfilled…. “Physically”. And, maybe, I’m trying to find a relationship in order to fulfill those needs with someone who isn’t a stranger.”

Mark blinked slowly as he comprehended the words you said, a large and almost goofy smile spreading on his face, an amused laugh following it causing your face to heat up with sudden embarrassment.

“You really just used a million words to say you wanted to have sex?”

“I didn’t want to word it like that.” You muttered softly, certain he couldn’t hear you over his obnoxious laughter.

He stopped just enough to catch his breath, soft chuckles escaping every so often as he fell backwards onto the couch, his arms and legs spread out as if he were a starfish.

“Alright, you can go. Have your way with me.”

“W-what?”

Now it was your turn to laugh. You knew he was goofy but this was downright ridiculous on his part. The idea that you and Mark would ever sleep together was gut wrenching, you could barely imagine it.

You peered up to him to see his expression was unfazed, eyes completely serious as they bore into yours.

“You’re serious? Mark, that’d be too weird.”

“How? You said you didn’t want to do it with a stranger so why not me? We’ve been friends since high school, we know each other better than anyone else. Plus, it’ll only be one night. After that, we’ll go back to being friends and roommates, like nothing ever happened.”

The proposal and situation were crazy, but made so much sense. Could you really have sex with Mark and go back to the way things were? He did know you like the back of his hand. Hell, he even found the weak spot on the back of your knee that nearly gave you your first orgasm. But he was always your best friend, nothing more. You’ve never even thought of him in that way. Could you? Mark was a genuinely passionate and loving person, maybe he was the same in bed. Or what if he had a rougher, more sadistic side? Each possibility intrigued you as you tried to picture yourself in those situations, but the feeling of doubt still remained. If you did this tonight, how could you look at one another the same? Everything would change, whether you hated to admit it or not. Were you really prepared to risk it all just for this one night?

Mark sighed as he watched you silently battle with yourself, your eyes wandering about while your fingers played with the hem of your dress. He didn’t mean to put you in such an awkward spot but it’s not like he hasn’t thought about it, he has for years. Just one night, a few hours to ease his own high school-like fantasies, would be enough for him, but he couldn’t force you to feel the same. Nor did he want to.

“You don’t have to, (Y/Nickname). But just know I was serious and the offer still stands if you’re ever ready, so don’t think too hard about it.” Mark said with a reassuring smile, your eyes following his every move as he turned off the television and grabbed his untouched food and drink before heading to the kitchen to dispose of them, preparing to turn in for the night.

Don’t think too hard about it.

It was easier said than done.

It was midnight when you got in bed, finally back in your baggy t-shirt and night shorts, your face make up free and perfumed scent washed down the drain of your shower. But you couldn’t wash away the thoughts racking your brain. Mark. Why did he have to say those things earlier? You would have been fine with his usual joking and teasing but, now, he was just ready and prepared to jeopardize your friendship. God, he was an idiot. Or maybe you were the idiot for thinking about this so late. You never saw him as a sexual partner but constantly wondering what personality he’d have during sex made you shiver with excitement. No matter what scenario you put yourself in, you couldn’t help but clench your thighs together at the thought of his mouth on yours, his hands squeezing every curve before his fingers slipped into your aching core, curling and bending into your g-spot over and over.

You gasped as you felt your hand beneath your shorts and just outside of your slightly wet panties, your body immediately sitting up as you tried to get yourself together. You felt like you were going crazy, and the only cure was Mark.

You sighed deeply and pushed yourself out of bed, taking a deep breath as you marched outside of your bedroom, staring at the bedroom across from yours before approaching it, your hands trembling subtly as you knocked, just loud enough that Mark’s sleeping frame shot up from the noise. You waited patiently, bouncing on the balls of your feet as the door was slowly pulled open, Mark’s tired eyes finding your anxious form.

“What’s wrong?” He asked groggily, his husky, sleep-laced voice making your desire flow even more.

“You said the offer would still stand whenever I was ready.” You said matter-of-factly, taking a step forward as he was finally awake enough to grasp the circumstances.

“Wait, so you want to?”

“Depends. It’s only for tonight, right? And we’ll go back to being friends as soon as it’s over?”

“Of course.” Mark answered immediately, seeming a bit too excited at your acceptance. You moved closer, your hand reaching out to his exposed chest before trailing up to his face, cupping his cheek as your fingers crept behind his ear to make a home in his hair, his eyes fluttering softly as you brought your face to his, attaching your lips for the first time ever.

It was better than you expected, the way he instantly reacted, your lips moving in unison as his hands found your waist to hold you closer. The way your small moans were swallowed by him made you think you weren’t making sounds at all.

Mark immediately wrapped his arms around your waist, lifting you and allowing your legs to wrap around his torso as he carried you to his bed. You let out a small huff as your body fell into the mattress, your lips unwillingly detaching from his as he began to kiss your cheek and down into your neck, nibbling a soft spot before sucking it with just enough force to produce a proper moan from you. The feeling of his hands gliding beneath your shirt and gripping your bare breast, the pads of his thumbs massaging your nipples, felt surreal. Sure, it wasn’t your first time having this done to you, but the way he teased you, moving his hands back to your waist as your chest lifted in yearning for his touch, the gentle yet firm grasp he had on them, all of it was so addicting. Mark eagerly but carefully lifted your shirt, pulling it over your head and allowing you to toss it to his bedroom floor before playfully licking your nipple, the sound of your shocked gasp causing him to smile as he continued, swirling his tongue over the sensitive skin before taking it into his mouth, the constant whimpers you let out causing his member to twitch in elation.

“Mark!” You whined as your fingers dug into his hair, contemplating on whether you wanted him to continue or not, the pleasure of it all somewhat overbearing.

Your breast were very sensitive, so much so that just a few minutes of toying with them could bring you to orgasm. And Mark knew that. Every drunken conversation you had together ended up with you two talking about your sex lives or lack thereof, your deepest desires and kinks exposed in a moment where you knew no one would remember. Unfortunately for you, Mark wasn’t the type to get too drunk. While you were blacked out, rambling on about hair pulling, Mark listened carefully, discovering things about you that was both shocking and a turn on, the thought of your out of character fetishes bringing a smile to his face.

He moved onto his side, resting on his free arm as the other slipped down your body almost unnoticeably, your eyes screwed shut as semi-pained squeals left your mouth, your legs squeezing together to keep you from cumming from the simple action. Mark slowly released your breast, a large red blemish left from his lips. He slowly watched as your legs relaxed, his hand quickly taking advantage to dip into your panties, another loud cry escaping you as his finger ran down your slit before resting on your opening, tapping gently in a taunting manner.

“Did you cum already?” Mark asked incredulously, moving his hand upwards so the sides of his index and middle finger clasped around your clit, rolling and tugging at it mischievously, a strangled breath leaving your throat.

“N-not yet. I can’t yet.” You sounded so pathetic yet you couldn’t help it. If you had known sex with Mark would be like this, you probably wouldn’t have said yes. You were so on edge and he wasn’t even inside of you yet. You didn’t want it to end, but the idea of being teased any longer was anxiety-inducing.

“Sure you can.” Your eyes rolled to the back of your head at the feeling of his fingers finally entering you, curling and almost instantaneously finding your g-spot, the way your hips raised for him as you struggled to focus on a single word he said making him aware of his discovery.

“You can cum as much as you want. I want you to cum for me.”

Why was he teasing you so much? 8 months without sex can take a toll on somebody, their body sensitive and every little touch feeling like overstimulation. It was torturous, yet so fulfilling. But this wasn’t you. You were stronger than this and always knew how to make sex last. God, how you needed this to last.

“Mark, stop! Please!” You panted, your hands gripping his pillow and sheets as you tried to squirm away from his hand.

Mark immediately ceased his actions, staring at you with concern as you tried to collect yourself.

“(Y/Nickname), did I hurt you?” Mark nearly screamed at the way your legs wrapped around him, your hands grabbing his wrist as you flipped yourselves over, straddling his lap and getting a good feel of his rock hard erection.

“You liar.” He breather out, his eyes wide with a smile growing on his face.

“I’m not cumming until you’re inside of me.” You declared.

You wasted no time shifting down his body, resting between his legs as your hands grazed over each ab before gripping the waistband of his sweatpants and briefs. You’ve only seen Mark nude once and that was in high school. Who knows how much his body had changed over the years. A bit too enthusiastically, you pulled them down, your eyes blinking slowly at the organ, the way it stood straight up impressive. You couldn’t help but stare, your mouth salivating the longer you looked at it. From his bright red tip to each pulsating vein, you wanted him.

Without as much as a second thought, you dipped forward, placing your tongue on the underside of his shaft, licking upwards until it grazed the slit and your lips enveloped the head. By the way Mark’s hand instantly found your hair, you knew you had to be doing something right.

The vibrations of your humming as you eagerly took the rest of his length into your mouth sent a shiver down his spine, his tongue swiping over his bottom lip as if it’d help his moans fall out. You weren’t hesitant as you began to bob your head, making sure your tongue flicked over as much of his thick cock as possible, focusing on the tip to taste the small droplets of precum he produced. He tasted so sweet yet salty, a somehow perfect combination you didn’t mind having in your mouth.

If Mark knew things with you could be like this, your eyes staring up at his contorted face as he gripped the roots of your hair, slowly bringing his hips upwards to feel himself at the back of your throat, he would have offered this proposal months ago. Your lips were pursed tightly against his member, a hearty moan filling the air at the sudden compression, yet he couldn’t stop himself from thrusting into your throat, enjoying the sounds of your moaning and the way your nails dug into his bare thighs. He could feel himself on the edge but couldn’t help but wonder if he could go again if he came now, his body ignoring his mind as his hips moved faster, his hands pushing harder on your head as he felt the muscles in his thighs tense, his entire body fuzzy as if his spirit were leaving him. The sounds of yours and his moans were growing muffled as he felt himself ready to release, but, suddenly, it all went away. The moaning, the fuzziness, the warmth, and tension. Gone.

Mark slowly peeled his eyes open, watching as you smiled up at him before standing.

“W-why’d you stop?” He didn’t mean for it to come out as a whine, but you loved that it did.

“I don’t want you to cum just yet, we haven’t even started.” You said frankly.

You hooked your fingers into the elastic of your panties and shorts, pushing them down your legs and kicking them away, Mark scrambling to get his sweats from around his ankles as he moved further up the bed until he sat against his headboard, grabbing a condom from his table-side drawer and sloppily putting it on, obviously more impatient than you were before.

You crawled onto the bed, making your way up from Mark’s legs to his chest until your face was met with his. His hands supportively held your waist, guiding you onto his aching length and, almost simultaneously, you both gasped. You couldn’t find the will to move, the way Mark stretched you out pleasurable on its own, but he couldn’t wait. Every fiber in his body was screaming for him to take you then and there, as hard as he could.

You nearly screamed as Mark thrusted upwards, immediately finding a decent rhythm as he shoved his member deeper inside of you, one hand holding onto your waist tightly to lead your hips to move with his, a loud moan ripping through him as you grinded against him. The penetration and subtle, but very effective, graze of his cock against your g-spot was driving you crazy, your nails digging into his shoulders as you gained the strength to move on your own, lifting and lowering your hips with his and moaning out in a necessitous manner. The angle was perfect, your mind going blank as your thighs clenched faintly at the side of his, the lascivious sounds you made growing louder and the pitch higher, your body practically begging for release.

“God, if you’re gonna be that loud, you can at least say my name.” Mark joked breathlessly, his head thrown back in pleasure as his hands roamed up to your breast to teasingly twist at the overly sensitive nubs, your head falling into his neck to keep from making too much noise, reminding yourself it was almost one in the morning.

“S-shut up.” It took so much strength to croak those words out, your voice shaky as you tried to keep them from blending with your moans, causing Mark to emit a deep chuckle.

“Come on, babe, just once. Say it.” He whispered in your ear seductively, the burning in your lower abdomen increasing as well as the wetness between your legs, causing you to whimper as he slid further inside of you with ease, your hips finally meeting his.

Mark was pleased by your moaning but it wasn’t what he needed to hear. You gasped loudly as you felt a hand in your hair, tugging at it roughly until you were forced to sit up and your hips ceased their movement, your face meeting Mark’s dark gaze.

“Say my name.”

Maybe it was the way he said it with so much authority. Maybe it was the pain in your scalp quickly dissolving into pleasure. Or maybe it was the fact that this Mark, the one with his dick buried inside of you as his hand squeezed at your sides, wasn’t the one you were used to seeing every day. All you knew was you felt his name on the tip of your tongue, ready to be whined out pitifully as he continued to push faster into you, but you wanted to see how far he’d go to get what he wanted, even if it meant you wouldn’t cum as soon as you pleased.

A small and shaky smirk came onto your lips, your mouth producing a “Ma-“ sound as you teasing leaned forward so your lips were by his ear.

“Make me.”

Not even a second passed before Mark gripped your hips tightly, even harder than the hold on your hair. You cried out in a mix of pain and euphoria as he slammed your hips down onto his, his dick reaching parts of you that you thought were impossible.

“Say it.” You couldn’t think straight, your voice gone and breath coming out in short pants as you tried to keep yourself steady, but your quivering hands could barely hold onto his shoulders at this point.

Mark raised your hips once more and slammed them back onto his own without warning, lifting his own to feel you deeper, suppressing his own groans to hear your wails. He continued to do so, even attaching his lips to the side of your neck to bite and suck harshly, your eyes screwed shut and body practically giving out against his. You couldn’t tell if you were about to orgasm or faint, but the feeling was intense. Your eyes rolled shut each time you opened them, your hands trying desperately to push against his hips to keep from meeting your own. The brattiness in you gave up easily, a weak “Mark” pushing past your lips and, almost as if it were a miracle, he stopped, the smile you were so accustomed to gracing his features.

“Louder.” He said simply, flipping your bodies so that your limp form laid beneath his.

You regained your vision just long enough to see him on top of you, slowly lifting your leg onto his shoulder so that he could feel you at a new angle, earning another whine from you.

The new position gave him the advantage to go faster, your back arching from the mattress as you bucked your hips with his eagerly, the familiar bubbling in your body finding its way back to your core as you happily called his name out once more, no longer caring about your neighbors or the fact it was nearing the crack of dawn. Mark was giving you exactly what you needed, your body responding with his as you clenched around his member unwillingly, a loud moan escaping him as he slammed into you, your free leg wrapping around his waist.

“Yes! Harder!” The sound of your voice was lighter than before, breathy and sensual as you hungrily held Mark close, his eyes unable to look away from your heaving chest, and the way your hands couldn’t decide between gripping his bicep or his sheets, your head lulled back with an almost satisfied smile on your lips. It was beautiful, and the first and last time Mark would ever see it, making him want to capture every second of it.

You moaned as you felt his lips press harshly to yours, your teeth clashing as he obeyed your instructions, driving himself deeper into your wet pussy as the sounds of your skin colliding echoed throughout the room, nearly drowning out his heavy breaths and your almost scream-like cries. It seemed like the closer you got to your orgasm, the tighter you felt around Mark, slowly but surely bringing him to his own but he refused to worry about his needs, this was about you. The soft ‘yes’ you began to chant under your breath after Mark’s lips left yours so that his face was buried in your neck, along with the way you stopped moving with him, instead letting his hips roll into yours while his hands led your pelvis forward, practically using you like a sex toy, it made his bones shiver with excitement. The once calculated movements became sporadic, your chest pressing to his as your arms flew out to loop around his neck, holding him closer to you as you could feel him twitching inside of you, your clit rubbing against his skin adding to the warmth boiling within you.

“Mark, don’t stop. I’m close.” Your voice was a pleading whisper at this point, contrary to your previous thunderous moans.

Nonetheless, Mark listened, not letting up on his sharp and deep thrust as he craved that warm and fuzzy feeling again, the contractions of your heat sure to bring him there. His toes curled slightly as the way the thin condom massaged his member, almost as if it were actually your walls, his mind ignoring the latex sheath to imagine your pussy squeezing around him, your fluids lubricating him as he picked up the pace, filling your body to the brim with his length as you both drew closer to your orgasm. He was so close.

Suddenly, you let out a prolonged moan, your body convulsing as a sudden heatwave engulfed your body, goosebumps rising onto your skin as your thighs tried to close together, only to squeeze around Mark’s sides as your orgasm took over. The sensitivity in your lower body could feel the condom inside of you fill, Mark’s guttural moan vibrating your neck as he began to slow down his thrust, burying himself deep inside of you as he tried to catch his breath, both of your heavy breathing the only sound to be heard.

You slowly opened your eyes, squinting slightly to adjust to the darkness of his bedroom. Mark sat up, staring down at your face with his normal, concerned eyes.

“You okay?” You could only nod, unsure of whether you should look at him or not at this point.

“I’ll be right back.” You nodded once again as the heat from Mark’s sweat coated body left yours, him carefully pulling out of you and standing to head to his bathroom to clean up.

You sighed, your legs still trembling and body almost numb once you came down from your high, your weak arms helping to push you up as you collected your discarded clothing, stumbling towards his bedroom door just as he emerged from the bathroom, eyes scanning over your still exposed body, not in a sexual way but just to silently make sure you were really alright.

“You’re leaving?” He asked, a slight tinge of disappointment.

You cleared your throat, not trusting that it wouldn’t be hoarse at this point.

“Yeah, I think it’d be best if I slept in my own bed. But, thank you, Mark, for everything.” You said, your lips unintentionally mirroring his as he smiled softly.

“Any time, (Y/Nickname).”

[justalittlelitnerd]

Cruel Prince by Ashley Jade

Honestly, I was surprised that I enjoyed this book as much as I did. At first I was hesitant because while I liked the sound of the description and the quotes I’d seen pop up on my social media ads for this book I wasn’t sure how I felt about a self-proclaimed “bully romance” and was pretty sure I wouldn’t like it, but was willing to give it a shot. 

And then I was hooked. I’m still not a fan of the bullying and downright abusive elements of the book, but Jade created insanely complex characters in a fucking complicated situation where it was almost understandable why the characters acted the way they did. Basically, the book starts with the Covington siblings (Jace, Cole, and Bianca) talking about how their brother, Liam, committed suicide because he was bullied and they make a pact to essentially be the biggest bullies and make everyone pay. 

Things get even more complicated when Dylan returns to town expecting to rekindle her childhood friendship, if not romance, with Jace only to find out he blames her for Liam’s suicide. He makes it his mission to drive her out of town, but somehow unexpectedly finds himself falling for her all over again. Through a series of seriously fucked up misunderstandings, lies, and an unexpected amount of violence the truth finally comes to light.

HUGE TRIGGER WARNING for suicide and some dub-con elements because it was pretty graphic and I honestly had to skim over it because by the time it showed Liam’s suicide I was too invested to just put it down, but I want others to know before they pick it up so they’re not shocked.

Keep reading for some of my favorite quotes because I really liked the way Dylan’s brain worked.   

His edges are sharp like broken glass…deterring someone from getting too close. And while most people would walk away out of fear of being cut…I want to merge my broken pieces with his.

He’s my person. He’s always been my person. The only one who can reach me when it gets too dark. When it hurts too much. For the first time in four years, my universe feels right again. 

Some people run and hide at the first sign of a scandal. Not me. I prefer to confront the jerks responsible for spreading rumors head-on. See what they’re really made of underneath all their hair extensions, push-up bras, and makeup. “We’re late for class,” the tall blonde declares before they make a mad dash for the door. Shocking. People rarely have the balls to say the shit they spew behind your back to your face.

I, however, thought I was safe, because the person I gave my heart to…was my best friend. And best friends aren’t allowed to break your heart. It’s against the rules.

One second Jace looks at me like I’m the answer to some unspoken prayer. But the next? It’s like I’m the Devil dragging him on a road trip to Hell. 

He’s the opposite of colorless. Jace Covington is blue. A beautiful, turbulent ocean full of depth…and an incandescent sky that only gives you small glimpses of all its radiant colors…before turning gloomy and dark. “I see you,” I breathe between kisses. “You’re my favorite color.”

Jace might not act like his feelings for me are mutual, but he’s kissing me like he’s been trapped in the desert for days and I’m the only source of water for miles.  As if he wants me every bit as much as I want him. Maybe even more. 

My reaction to his close proximity is visceral. Instantly, my pulse, my breathing, my emotions—slam into overdrive.  When I was a kid, I didn’t understand why I’d experience such an extreme response whenever he was near, but now I do.  No one in the whole wide world has the power to make me feel both love and hate simultaneously the way Jace Covington does. He’s the yin to my yang. The down to my up. The crazy to my normal. The damaged pieces to all my broken parts.

I want all of Jace. Every fucked-up piece and broken part. All to myself. 

His lips curl in a slow smile. “You have no idea, do you?”  “About what?” The intensity of his stare makes my breath catch. “How deep my feelings for you run.” No, but if what he feels for me is even a fraction of what I feel for him, I fear we’ll both spontaneously combust.  “How deep are we talking? Puddles? Ponds? Lakes?”  Tell me oceans, dammit.  His hands frame my face.  “The Mariana Trench isn’t deep enough.” 

Makes me want to merge my broken pieces with yours. “Cracks me wide open,” I whisper, because friends or not, I’ll never be able to keep anything from him. “I guess my broken pieces missed yours as much as I missed you.” He exhales sharply. “You say the weirdest shit sometimes.” I can’t help but laugh. He’s not wrong. He’s also the only one who ever truly got me. “Yeah, but you love it.” He grins before his expression turns serious. “Yeah…I did.” I wish I knew what caused that change, or how to fix it, but Jace has built his walls so high, they’re impossible to climb. However, I’ve never been the kind of girl to give up. The locks to his fucked-up kingdom might have changed, but I still remember the layout.

He’s right. But the heart doesn’t choose who we love by their worth. Because love isn’t a choice. It’s an illogical, all-consuming consequence that results from someone stealing a vital piece of you. And I wish like hell Jace would give me my piece back. 

“Breathe, baby. I got you.” With a heart full of lead, I carry her inside.  I’ve spent the last four years pining for the opportunity to destroy this girl’s life so I could watch her break.  Who knew success would taste so fucking bitter. 

The muscles in my chest draw tight. Our demons are almost identical, and it’s clear hers are wreaking havoc right now. For once, Dylan can’t fight them off on her own. Wrapping my arms around her, I pull her close. “It’s okay. You don’t have to.” I’ll fight this battle for you.

“Maybe everything isn’t so absolute, you know?” He exhales sharply. “I used to believe everything was black and white…right and wrong. But now I’m starting to think people might not be the sum of their greatest achievements…or their worst mistakes.” He swallows thickly. “Maybe someone can do the cruelest thing imaginable…and somehow…still be a good person underneath.” 

The tips of his fingers press into my jaw and he searches my face, as if seeking permission. I nod. He already has my heart, if he wants my body and all my fucked-up fragments too, I’ll gladly hand those right over. God knows I want every single jagged piece of Jace Covington there is to have. I don’t care how sharp and deep the cuts will be. 

Ironic that a shade representing the best things in the world—the sky, the ocean, the color of Dylan’s eyes—also symbolized the worst.  

I loved her first.  Hell, I loved her before I even knew her name. Back when she used to sit on the playground by herself with her headphones on…tuning out the world. I wanted to join whatever world she’d built. 

Now he’s dead, Dylan’s heartbroken…and I’m still sitting here choking on the goddamn ashes of the mess I made. 

It’s impossible for me to be truly happy without Dylan. She’s the one this fucked-up thing in my chest beats and bleeds for. I’m tired of living without the other half of my soul. I’m tired of missing my best friend. I’m tired of waking up every day with nothing when my everything is right there. 

“I lost you once…and I’ll burn the whole fucking world to the ground before I ever make that mistake again.”