#i’ve been sleeping 12+ hrs per day again (i was about to say for no reason but maybe it’s my thyroid) so i woke up at 8pm yesterday

[danielnelsen]

my dr was supposed to call me 20 mins ago and i desperately need some sleep and it’s not even that important, just routine blood test results that she’ll leave a message about if there’s an issue, but i’m not gonna be able to sleep anticipating a call fml

but everything has gone according to plan because she called me while i was making this post. crisis averted, goodnight

[thepausedsforzando]

III. The Paused Sforzando

Part I. The End To The Remaining Effort

*******Introduction*******

   It’s been 5 years. 5 years and a month just about. This post looks weird in public because it’s first one. It’s also marked as III. On October 8th, 2019 I nuked my entire Tumblr. Actually, I nuked all 3: hunkee, digitalclothingofhunkee and thepsychologyofdarthvader. That was a heavy day. This series has been shotty and inconsistent, in that gaps have become bigger and the details have lessened. This could likely be due to the feedback and problems I’ve had with people in my posts when I would talk about personal things that were not only private for me but for them. Primarily, these inconsistencies and gaps are because I’ve slowly descended into more of a void of a human being than I ever thought I could be when my life was right. January 6th, 2016. That’s where we last left off. “We” now means, and has always meant, current Matthew, as well as the one who will be reading this. If any Where are we now? Corny, I know, but you wanted to type it.

   I have always dreamed of having a Tumblr where I had literally 0 holdbacks. If it was disturbing or could easily be misunderstood, I’d post it anyway. But coming from a Christian background where the Christian homeschool choirs I was in had its dark pockets of judgement, it, or more than just it, made me severely self-conscious. But that is tied deeper to why I care about what others think, and how their attention makes or breaks me as a human being. But I’m getting head of myself. On purpose.

   hunkee, and it’s other 2 sisters were that of restriction. No more. So many have lost touched, forgotten and abandoned me, so who fucking cares now. I may still care. I’m showing it right now, but I’ll contradict that.

   One thing I will hold back on is the private information of loved ones who never got a voice to choose whether or not to have their private lives posted here. I am transparent and honest to an extreme, and it’s gotten me in trouble more than I ever thought or wanted to. Therefore, what you will be seeing is the second draft, edited to filter out private events out of love and/or respect to those who didn’t get a voice. They will be edited with summaries and I may even redact names or change said names. Those people deserve it. And I should have known back then. But you can’t know everything. I could have learned faster, but respect is being shown nonetheless.

   Alot has happened from January 6th, 2016 to February 5th, 2021. What I choose to be here will be here, and other installments will follow. Where we last left off was- well before I say it, let me show you the progression:

- 2009: The end of my childhood and innocence - 2010: a solid year of happiness in the first chapter of adulthood - 2011: not bad - 2012: The beginning of the dark renaissance; the start of it all - 2013: The Darkness: The darkest point, the breakdown, the intervention and the beginning of me stopping any care and any effort. Laziness became my life. - 2014: The Void: Through trying with little effort, the numbness grew - 2015: I literally forgot most of 2015. The Void at its highest - 2016: The End: The year that I gave up, after 5 years of trying through abandonment. - 2017: Committing to my abandonment. - 2018: Rebirth: The slow growth of the tiniest voice within me. - 2019: Pause #1: Amber - 2020: ugh: - 2021: ugh:

Let’s just begin.

             **************

   As per usual, let’s recap from the 16th. My name is Matthew. I’m 24 and a half years old. I work at Patsco Windshield Repair and had for about a month. I have been living back at my parents now for 2 years and about 4 months. I’d been single for 1 year and 2 months. I still had my Roth IRA and likely got rid of my savings account due to poor management of my money. I had suppressed my love for Amber again, and it wouldn’t be the last time. I was emotionally void after raging and depressing for years. My life had no meaning, nor did I really have many friends or any social interactions. I had a car. I can’t remember what bills I dealt with, but it was likely phone, insurance, health insurance and idk.

   Life at Patsco was pretty lame. I would drive to the corner of a parking lot on a busy road, hold up a sign for a while and repair people’s windshields. Calling insurance companies and cleaning headlights. Great for a high schooler; pathetic that I was there in life at 24. The pay was $12/hr. I forgot if the hours were good. But the best thing that happened then was I read Dante Alighieri’s Inferno. I fell in love with that book. Standing on the grass next to cars at the red light of whatever intersection I was assigned that day. Immersed in the world and loving the darkness. I found beauty in dark things and gravitated towards hateful content. Who would have figured.

   Patsco didn’t last very long. Maybe I got fired, I think I did. My memory has deteriorated so much over the past x amount of years. As has my attention span. And effort. Anyway, it usually takes me 1-3 months to find work, and on April whenever, I became a delivery driver for Jimmy John’s. Yet again, a low end, dead end job. I lasted just about 2 years. I asked Asia to let me stay long enough to make it an even two years, but she couldn’t stand me and it didn’t go that long.

   Amber had either come back or was always there. For private reasons, someone in her life had jealously forbade me to come over and witness the birth of her first child. That didn't fucking happen with her second. I was there. More on that later.

   Remembering 2015, 2016 and 2017 is hard. I'm having to pull up my resume, previous entries of this series and go back to where I was then. By the time Jimmy John’s rolled around, I’d been back home for over 2 and a half years. Being numb and unmotivated, I was also an asshole to live with. I treated my mother horribly. There is much to get into about what I have learned about her over the years and why we clash, but I always handled it wrong and I still do. Too lazy to confront her. She saw me at my worst. Whatever I could do out loud, she mostly saw and had to be the victim of it. She didn’t deserve it.

   What I write about tends to focus on home, mom and dad, work, cars and not much else. I’ve neglected to mention Eva but once. I feel bad that in a forgetful and numb phase, I forgot when I met Eva. I met her on MeetMe, a social app for meeting people that too many guys used as a dating site. It was really, really pathetic. But I was open to meeting a significant other too I bet. There goes the hypocrisy. Take note. I just didn’t advertise it and let whatever unfolded, unfold.  Before I mention Eva, what happened on MeetMe is notable. I just didn’t advertise it and I'd let whatever unfolded unfold. This is where I was at: I met someone who lived across the road from me named Evie. I put what I wanted onto her and god fucking dammit I was creepy. We were barely just talking and I was gushing over her. She was pretty and I wanted to be with someone.

   My obsession with women had always been a tame problem that sprouted when it got to be intense. In 2011, when the neglect started, my creepiness, lack of social interactions and desire to have a girlfriend got weirder. Every girl that was remotely attractive, or not even that attractive was ‘so right for me’ and I’d pursue. Ashley, Andrea, Christa, Amy. I can’t even remember them all. It was every. fucking. woman. that came to Josh's and I's house. Someone I hadn’t been vibing with or talking to in the first place. That’s the key, you get to know someone and if they move that way WITH you, then it’s something. I always bash guys for pursuing if THEY want it, whether they’ve talked to them much or not. In my own way, I did that. I just didn’t assert myself as hard because in this context, it would have been awkward.

   Evie casually told me where she worked. We were barely acquaintances and had never met or even had each others’ numbers. And when I saw she was getting off work one night, I bought her the candy she said she loved and walked over to her in front of the store at night, basically a total stranger, and gave her the Reese’s after clarifying who I was. She was extremely quiet. I bet she didn’t eat those candies because she thought the psycho who I guess you could say stalked her poisoned them and is going to kidnap her. Fuck me that was stupid. But that’s where I was at. My desire got stronger and more obsessive over these 4 years. This might have happened in 2015. Either way, I was doing things that were not Matthew. Using a woman for sex, stalking one, and Naomi....Poor Naomi.

   We were talking as friends. She was beautiful. I wanted someone. She did NOT want to find a significant other. When she was reaching out for someone to talk to, it was a friend to confide in. And she made that clear. I lowkey pursued her romantically. We’d meet down the street of her house and park in a parking lot close by. We’d talk deeply, about her hard life. And I would be there for her. Once I told her my intentions, we stopped talking. She was upset, and had every right to be. When I was pursuing Amber 3 years prior, I was putting her newborn to sleep and said ‘can you say “daddy?”’...............................it’s hard for me to bring that up because as wrong as it was and I probably knew at the time, now I can’t....I can’t even explain the awkwardness and shame I feel for saying that. Like I devolved from already clingy/kinda obsessive/maybe on occasion creepy to.....that. To a newborn whose mother....I can’t remember if she liked me at that time. I think she did. ReGARDLESS.

   The last time I wasn’t like this was Ana. in late 2011/early2012. I was never perfect as I’ve said like 3 times with regards to my intense emotions towards girlfriends. Hell, I wasn’t bad at all to Nicole. But this loneliness, that was a combination of my fault and other things that made me do things I regret. I had my first one night stand years ago. Attaining friends was through the screen of my phone. I couldn’t make friends. I lost my ability to be social. I became more socially awkward. Pursuing women wasn’t successful, and my desire had gone out of control.

   Here I am, miles away from the original point: Eva. She was a female and I was looking for a relationship. Desiring love, affection and to get fucking laid. It came in the form of many creepy endeavors. I wasn’t as terrible with Eva. I liked her because I liked every female that came in contact with me. So it wasn’t even genuine when I told her. But we got past that. Wasn’t trying to get in her pants or anything heinous. But as that small phase passed, for the first time in years, I gained a friend. I made a new friend........it’s not that it’s hard, but was for me. I can’t think of the last time I made a new friend. But I hit the jackpot. No one is more loyal than Eva.

   She was an actual friend. She listened to me. I listened to her. We cared for each other. She invited me to her house and to outings with her friends. She cared about me. Someone finally did. It was nothing to her. Like it should be nothing to anyone else: you have friends and you spend time with them. But it was the universe and all its stars to me. I made a big deal out of it for reasons you already know. She was the true friend I needed, but got so late. I felt included, I felt cared about and I felt wanted. I think she’d even text me first! That doesn’t exist anymore! She became a bright spot, but it didn’t change what was coming.

   I got mad at Jimmy John’s. Aggressive driving, maybe dealing with the occasional dick ‘cause I was in an upper middle class (some would say rich) area of town. Having been void for so long, I felt I was at a dead end. I think I was friends with Eva by then. I had only been at Jimmy John’s for a month, not even. 2 days before Mother’s Day was when it finally happened.

   Despite the angel that had come into my life, I was still lazy and numb, but I feel I was more angry at this point. Regardless, on May 6th, 2016, I officially gave up. From neglect to anger to depression to laziness, it had all culminated to this. It came in waves: neglect, anger, depression, suicidal ideation, hopelessness, self-attack, breakdown, intervention, self-abandonment, extreme sloth, numbness beyond the realm of textual representation, sick of my state, denying help, anger and then release. Release of it all. When I say ‘I gave up’, that seems so small in text, but defined ‘the rest of my life’. This had been culminating for 4 years and I finally just gave up. Career? never. Healthy diet? never. Friends? They already all left me so nothing’s gonna change ‘cause it hasn’t. Love? either I said I can’t ‘cause of my mental state or idk. Being happy? it hasn’t been possible.

    I adopted a new phrase: Until death. It kept repeating in my head. I had a new set of goals and motivation in my life. My goal was to avoid being happy. It was to never seek love or really get anything serious, idk. My goal was never to get a better paying job, but get enough just to live on my own. Push everyone away, not get lied to by people’s flakiness. Be in a shitty apartment and watch my 30′s, 40′s, 50′s and maybe even 60′s alone. Eat junk food and clog my arteries as no one cares and everyone has forgotten me. What’s the use. I tried. I FUCKING TRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I couldn’t do it. After 4 years, I was alone, I had no social life, I couldn’t score a woman and I was too creepy to even get close to the first step, I had eaten junk food most of my life and it was affecting my mental and physical health, I couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t advance because I couldn’t stay long enough, my mental health was blocking my success rate before I started telling people it was blocking my success rate, I was at odds with my parents, Missy was in Chicago, no matter what I did I just couldn’t progress. It wasn’t worth it. I just let it go. My life and my desire to be happy. And that was a commitment. Hard as it would be for my family to have to endure that, I didn’t do it for them. And they didn’t have to suffer. But they did.

   Missy graduated the year we're talking about now. To preface that, the whole family had vacationed to New Orleans sometime.....2014? idk, but my mental state and circumstances had made me a recluse. My family was outgoing, talking with Uber drivers and the person kind enough to let us use their house instead of a hotel. They experienced New Orleans and were having fun. But not me. I was not fully there. I was withholding myself from participating. I was quiet. if you knew me when I was myself, I was the opposite of quiet and shy. But the darkness had just become me. I was barely participating, sitting away from people and not saying a word, focusing on rooting my phone and occasionally talking about it, not talking to humans outside of my family and not speaking with a sad, distant, vacant expression.

    I learned something through my silence. Usually, if there were family problems, I’d be overly involved and not able to think straight ‘cause I’m thinking of all the perspectives and dividing my attention up multifold. I wasn’t like this in New Orleans. When I said nothing, I got to listen more; I got to see what I hadn’t seen all this time. Or at least what I didn’t bring into focus all my life. And that was more true sides of my family through their interactions. The fighting over nothing and people from different perspectives. The escalations and how my family just doesn’t understand each other. If anyone else is reading this but me, you can learn more than you can possibly imagine when you say little to nothing, sit back and let the conversation you normally are involved in happen in front of you. Don’t interact, just let it happen. Watch what you don’t pick up. Our compassion is valid; we can also get carried away and not notice what’s fully going on right in front of our faces.

    Much changed from that much as I used to. Optimism is ideal in moderation, as is everything else. My father was so aperspective shift. I learned more about where we are as a family and I didn’t brush it under the rug as ngry that my standout silence and being a weird, burdensome stick in the mud of a family vacation was affecting everyone and our time together. Not to mention my sister moved out...........2013? I forget. She had been in Chicago so we don’t see her everyday. Things had changed. I had moved back, but for a small amount of time, mom and dad had the place to themselves. That part of your kids growing up and leaving. He confronted me angrily and I learned something else by what he said. You would think he would say something based on how I’ve prefaced this, but instead what uttered from is angry face was:

“Do you have any idea how much money I’ve spent?!”

    Sometimes, maybe many times, the way you say something or the first thing you say reflects where your focus is at. I disagree this is always the case. But in that moment, I believe as a man whose life revolved around providing for his family for 20 years, became focused on that primarily. The man can love. The man loves him family incomprehensibly. Never doubt that. But I learned not only of his perspective but how men (traditionally and mostly) make their life’s purpose of providing....larger than love, communication and interaction. All of that is still there in my father at this point, but when it wasn’t, I learned why.

    Back to the point, Missy was graduating. I had been at Jimmy John’s a bit and even though New Orleans was a while ago, I only got worse for vacations. And going to Chicago was..........terrible. My sister had always been a social butterfly and extravertive. Our personalities were now white and black. I didn’t know how to talk to people. I didn’t know how to socialize. I didn’t want to. I’d been burned so much that I forgot how to be a human being, and also tried not to be. The silence and seclusion as people were in my sister’s living room, talking, was bizarre. People would kindly ask me about me and raise small talk and I don’t remember how much I’d say if I said anything. I think I’d straight up ignore people. It was extremely awkward. I was introvertive, shy, quiet, ignoring and reserved like I was an extreme trauma victim or a mute (no offence meant to either an victim of a crippling trauma or mutes). My sister was in love and trying with this man that turned out to be an asshole. But at the time, my sister was showing me her life and a very important man in her life and I was just letting it pass me by. Was it as simple as just getting over it? Faking it and putting on a face? That, is the opposite of who I am, and I couldn’t just shake this off. I was alone for 4 years and upset about it. It changed me so much that you don’t just pull out of that. Who Matthew IS. PERIOD. at this point. IS. too far gone from who he really is and so deeply warped and shaped by his depression that who he IS is hopeless and functionless.

    Her boyfriend got me a present. I practically said nothing. I watched my sister graduate. I don’t remember it. This is trauma. This has affected my caring, my memory and my attention span. I’m not myself or a functioning human. PSA: it is possible to get out of the habit of many things you don’t think you could get out of the habit of. Like social interaction, how to talk to people, react to things. It wasn’t the darkest point, but such a troublesome time. I was 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% darkness and 00.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% myself. There has always been a voice inside that never wanted this. That disagreed with the (verbal) self harm I’d convince myself. After a while, if you tell yourself the same thing, whether it’s good or destructive, you’ll believe it. You’ll trick you mind. Same thing with your environment. You become affected and accustomed to your environment to some extent. When you don’t realize it.

But this was never me. Me just got smaller. The darkness took over. The darkness was my Caretaker, which leads me to...

[mubal4]

Wrapping It Up – The 4 x 4 x 48 Challenge        

 We are living in unique times.  Interesting way to describe this I guess, but it is unique.  Globally, we have pivoted, adapted, and by this time, created some new normals or at least different ways of doing things.  Likely, some good habits have been formed and some may have gone back to some old tricks 😊!!  I know I have consumed more beer and types of foods over the last two months than “normal.” 😊  It is all good though; based on what I’ve been fortunate enough to see, via social media, Facetiming/Video conferencing with family/friends, or just talking with folks, we’ve been overcoming these “unique” times well.  Although changes have been made, one thing that has remained consistent for me is running.  Overall, in the last 2+ months I don’t believe I am running farther or more. Like most of our lives, I’ve just changed some things up a bit.  Part of that has been due to timing and circumstances with the quarantine and social distancing; some because the type of race I have coming up in July; and part because some shit has just gotten boring to be honest.  So, when I saw this David Goggins Challenge video come across my Twitter feed, it grabbed my attention.

 You can watch the 1-minute video, but it is basically running 4 miles, every 4 hours, for 48 miles.  It was pretty cool how he positioned it too; “if you can’t run, walk; if you can walk; do pushups…….”  It seemed like his intent was to just to get people moving, out of their comfort zone, and adapting to the nonsense.  Since I am training for a 100-miler I thought this would be a great training exercise for a number of reasons.  Obviously, the mile over two days, sleep deprivation, nutrition planning, and one big differentiator, life commitments!!!  In the race, I won’t be thinking about family responsibilities, work, or puppy stuff 😊; it is just left foot, right foot. Since I started this on Thursday afternoon, I still had some conference calls to attend, work commitments, and family stuff so it added a layer. ��That said, as it relates to the family commits, Robin, as per usual, and the girls, sacrificed a ton, not only with dinners and puppy stuff, but, at least for Robin, sleep too.  Thursday and Friday nights, I headed out at 1030pm and 230am.  The first session each night, Robin was just about headed to bed but at 230am she was sleeping, and I tried to be as quiet as possible, for her, as well as for the puppy too 😊.  It was nice to hear on Saturday morning once she woke up that that nights 230am session, she didn’t even hear me leave or come back.  Guess all these years doing these crazy things it is good her mind is at ease while I run around Phoenix at 230 in the morning 😊😊😊!! That all said, none of this really came to mind when Robin and I discussed doing it.  All I thought was 4 miles, every 4 hours, for 48 miles? I can do that!!  So, at 230pm on Thursday, we got things started, easy peasy and session 2 at 630pm was awesome with a sunset, late afternoon run; I was in my happy place.  All good.  Got back and had a quick dinner (I will get into the nutrition in a moment) and we all were just chilling on the couch.  Now, typically, Robin and I are toes up in bed by 10pm so, as my body clock was telling me, right around 945pm I started dozing a bit on the couch; fortunately, I had an alarm set just in case.  But the thing was, I was setting an alarm for 1010pm to go out and run 4 miles at 1030pm. Needless to say, as I was tying my shoes, my comment to Robin, “why the hell did I commit to this; this is f#$%ing stupid.”  She wished me a “have a good run, I will be sleeping when you get back.” 😊  The thoughts of feeling sorry for myself were quickly gone as soon as I started session number 3 and the night air, cooler temps, and darkness provided a different perspective to my run.  I wanted to run around our area of town just to see what was happening, if there was anything happening.  Out here in AZ, the stay at home orders are being lifted and there are a couple of restaurants/bars I would be running by so I was intrigued to say the least.  There were still a few folks out walking at that time and traffic was light; however, this one bar, about 1 mile from our house, was packed.  I guess the regulars were just waiting for things to be lifted.  I went by again on Friday nights 1030pm run too and same deal. I giggled a bit but it also gave me a sense of relief that maybe things are working toward “normal.” Also, won’t lie, a beer sounded good at that time.

 This is where adapting needed to happen because my body and internal clock was not going to be used to these next 30 or so hours.  Running the initial 12 miles from 230pm through 1030pm wasn’t much out of the realm of my comfort zone.  Now, I was getting home at 11pm, trying not to wake up Robin and the dog (the girls were still up doing what teenage girls do at that time 😊), getting fluids in, getting cleaned up, and getting things ready for 230am…….& hopefully trying to get sleep.  Well, I was a bit amped up from the run so I thought that sleep was going to be tough.  I got cleaned up, got plenty of water in me, and then figured I would watch some TV to put me to bed.  Well, that worked, and I fell right asleep and woke up about 90 minutes later.  Interestingly getting up at this moment and getting out was much easier than at 1030pm. Not sure why but it was.  The run, however, was a bit weird and at both 230am sessions.  I kept these 2 runs close to the house around this 1.35-mile loop.  I didn’t want to stray to for, well, since it is 230am. On the first loop, Thursday, I guess this would be Friday morning, I first heard a rooster crowing!!  Yep, a rooster – we don’t live near any farmland.  On the second loop, I heard what I thought was a leaf blower…..@ 230am?  What the hell?  Then, the most interesting thing happened on the last loop.  I was on this one road, drive it daily, and I white SUV pulls out of a side street.  Okay, at that time of night, could be going to work, coming back, whatever.  They pull out but just turnaround and head back where they came.  My first thought was that maybe they were scouting out homes/cars to break into or something or, maybe they were just drunk.  No big deal. I finished up the run and went home; didn’t think about it.  However, 24 hours later, on that same loop at that same time, same car, same spot, pulls out, now we are going towards one another, it stops…………I kept running, faster now and find a dark spot on the road, click off my headlamp and stop. The car was already moving but then did the same thing, u-turn in the middle of the road.  This was a bit freeky man and it was on my first loop too. I was running by there two more times. Holy shit right!!  Well, nothing happened but it was just some weird stuff. I told Robin yesterday afternoon that I was going to go up there all next week at 230am, dressed in all black and see what happens 😊.  

 That was pretty much the only excitement of the event.  Back to Friday morning, since the nature of this event, getting time on the trails was difficult but did go out at 630am Friday.  Got on the trail, got some climbing in and it was a beautiful day. Stopped to take a shot of the trails from the top that I shared above.  Also was able to get out on the trails Friday night and Saturday morning.  Friday night I was able to meet a nice rattlesnake too!!! By “meet” I mean he was on the side of the trail and scared the poop out of me.  I never did see him, just heard him.  Not sure if I would rather face the white SUV or the rattler?  The remaining sessions were all, pretty much, uneventful; just getting them done and keep moving forward.  Overall, it was a great challenge and believe awesome training on many fronts. Although there wasn’t much climbing, it did offer a number of different layers that will definitely help come July. Want to again thank Robin and the girls for all the support, sacrifice, and help they provide me during these nutty things I do.  All the folks that reached out via text, calls, or the FB live sessions, thank you very much.  Very inspirational and you guys helped keep me going.  

 Haven’t been much into statistics and stuff when it comes to these kinds of things.  Hell, up until January I was still using my 20+ year old Ironman stopwatch but Robin got me this Garmin one for Christmas and it has been fun to sort of geek out with it.  So, for those that may be interested, I am providing some “noticings” from the 4x4x48 event.  Thanks again for keeping me going and following along 😊!!

 ·         Started at 230pm 5/14 and ended at 1059am 5/16 – total hours = 44.5-ish!  

·         Total miles = 48.7

·         Total running time = 433 minutes (7 hrs 13 mins) – thought this was interesting that it was an exact number.  Zero seconds after added up 😊

·         Average pace = 8:53 (36:05 average for each 4ish mile session

·         Total Vert = 1186

·         Sleep = approximately 5 hours total

·         9 shirts & 7 pairs of shorts (yep – reused shorts – easy to do when you jump in the pool after a run), 12 pairs of socks, 3 different pairs of running shoes

·         Food intake – 2 strawberry/banana milkshakes, 2 peanut butter/banana Clif bars, 2 apples, 1 grilled cheese, 2 hummus tortilla wraps, approximately a half a box of regular Cheeze-itz (original flavor), couple handfuls of peanut butter pretzels, 1 double expresso Clif bar gel

[kenshiliker]

mcfuck load of things i was tagged in going here thanks everyone that tagged me & im sorry for this Entire Mess

Also I was tagged in 3 different things that have like similar fuckign questions so im jst gonna stick them all into 1 tag bc if not you’d have me repeating my damn names 18 times and thts no fun for Anyone)

Meet the blogger meme (Tagged by @bodhierso, thank u ark!! @woehuxbub tHJANKS FAMTHER & @orsonkraennic)

i. name:  徐

ii. nickname: OH LORD I HAVE SO MANY um I’ll just put the main ones; Brucie, Jerry, Tiaan, King Dickard II

iii. zodiac sign: Sagittarius / Dragon (Chinese Zodiac)

iv. height: ??? UH I think 160 cm the last I measured but I’m not sure. Over 5′3″ iirc.

v. orientation: Ace (the helpful place)

vi. ethnicity: Chinese 

vii. favorite fruit: Orange, Strawberry and Banana, L E M O N (u fucKIGN COWARDS)

viii. favorite season: Autumn/Winter but I’m stuck in hell so guess I’ll Die

ix. favorite book / book series: I don’t read many books but I like Shakespeare’s stuff & also Sherlock Holmes

x. favorite flower: Hibiscus rosa-sinensis (this is as patriotic as I get tbh), PLANTA GENISTA

xi. favorite scent: Nothing too strong or I’ll feel nauseous. Maybe a soft vanilla? ...And maybe orange. Or Lemon.

xii. favorite color: ORANGE (funny story is that my dad’s fav colour was orange and I decided to project frm a young age and wow guess what Orange has been my fav colour ever since), White, Black, Blue, Red

xiii. coffee, tea or cocoa: T e a slorp slorp

xiv. average sleep hours: Depends on what I have planned the next day. Lately (due to exam month) it’s been about 5 hrs per week so guess I’ll die

xv. cat or dog person: I like both as long as I’m not being chased

xvi. favorite fictional characters: ghhh Bruce Wayne, Tiaan Jerjerrod, Illya Kuryakin, B.J. Hunnicutt, Freddy Newandyke, Cal Lightman, (and Duke of Aumerle & Richard II if they count,,, hte Shookspeare version)

xvii. dream trip: UK,,, Get Me Out Of Here, 

xviii. blogs created: 4 (This one, TMFU blog, Secret Shakespeare Blog & Secret Art Blog) (I haven’t posted on the latter two) (That’s why they’re a ‘secret’)

xix. number of followers: 940 here (how even the Fuck) & 1582 on the TMFU blog.

xx.  random fact: I recently sat on the hard wood floor for 10 hours straight (s/o to you if you remember this) and felt myself just physically shrivel up and die. I literally hurt everywhere bc if I wasn’t sitting down, I was laying on the ground and gOD It took me a week to feel better but yeah god 11/10 would not recommend

xxi. number of blankets you sleep with: There’s like 4 on my bed lmao I’M LIVING

xxii.  blog created: I’ve had a tumblr since like... 2010 and I didn’t really use it until 2012, 2013 was my first year I was really active

xxiii. nationality: Malaysian

Tagged by Krenny again, to answer all these questions, and then tag 15 people 5 things you’ll find in my bag: SUPERMAN WALLET, Phone, Powerbank + Cable, Earphones, Art Supplies

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom: 5000 Stuffed Animals, DC shit, SW garb, The decapitated head of Jar Jar Binks that greets the visitors, Convention merch (+4 GAY REALLY FUCKING GAY, SO GAY THAT IF MY PARENTS FOUND THEM I’D BE FUCKING DEAD, fanbooks of TMFU which are in Chinese, sent by my lovely Internet Sister)

5 things I’ve always wanted to do: Get some air-dry paper clay and make tiny sculptures or something, learn how to paint properly, have nice handwriting, visit the UK again, WATCH A PLAY

5 things that make me happy: My unhealthy coping mechanisms, my favs, my friends!!, drawing (sometimes), reading/learning about something I’m interested in

5 things I’m currently into: TIM ROTH, LIE TO ME, Shakespeare, Star Wars, DC

5 things on my to do list: Get good fuckin grades for once in my damn life aye, finish watching Lie To Me, finish reading As You Like It and Othello, finish the school year & be done with it for the rest of my life, memorise all the experiments for the physics syllabus by Thursday if not my teacher will literally grill me

and lastly, tagged by @bunn1cula​ and Krenny again! Thank u two am loaf the both of u,

the last

1. drink: water 2. phone call: irl friend that is saved as ‘Mr. Pink’ in my phone (as per their request fhghg) 3. text message: ‘👌👌’ or if chats count then:

4. song you listened to: HOOKED ON A FEELING 5. time you cried: Yesterday while watching Lie To Me 6. dated someone twice: Nooooot yet 7. kissed someone and regretted it: NOT FOR ME THnks 8. been cheated on: ?? I don’t know. Probably not. 9. lost someone special: Yes 10. been depressed: Yeah, still am, but I think it’s not so bad nowadays (hopefully). 11. got drunk and thrown up: Never

3 favourite colours

12. Orange 13. White 14. Black

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: Yeah, definitely!  16. fallen out of love: NOT YET BUT MAYBE SOON 17. laughed until you cried: GOD A HECK OF A LOT OF TIMES 18. found out someone was talking about you: No, not really. I mean, there’s an asshole in my class that loves talking shit about me but I honestly don’t give a fuck about him he’s Irrelavant. 19. met someone who changed you: I don’t really know,,, I think I’m still the same? 20. found out who your friends are: I’ve never really had an issue with anyone, really. Maybe except one or two people, but yeah, the rest of y’all are alright. 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: NO

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: About 60/93 of them. I plan to boot a ton of them after I graduate tho. 23. do you have any pets: UNFORTUNATELY NO but I’d love a cat 24. do you want to change your name: UM SURE I mean it’d be kinda nice bc I hate when people I hate tainted my name by calling it, so yea, Yes 25. what did you do for your last birthday: I don’t think I did anything at all. 26. what time did you wake up: 6.30 a.m. (gotta love tht School Life) 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: ,,,Watching Lie To Me, reading fics instead of studying for my exam, 28. name something you can’t wait for: GRADUATING and getting tf outta here. 29. when was the last time you saw your mum: Last night ghghg 31. what are you listening to right now: Stuck In The Middle With You 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: I was the person named Tom once, so, yes. 33. something that is getting on your nerves: My shitty fucking class/school. 34. most visited website: Tumblr, YouTube 35. hair colour: Dark brown 36. long or short hair: Short! 37. do you have a crush on someone: Mnnn 50/50 38. what do you like about yourself: I’m kinda sorta funny & I can draw sometimes 39. piercings: None 40. blood type: A+ 41. nickname: Jerry, Brucie, Tiaan, King Dickard II 42. relationship status: Single & That’s Alrighty 43. zodiac: Sagittarius 44. pronouns: He/Him or They/Them 45. favourite tv show: RN IT’S LIE TO ME (TIM ROTH COULD FUCKIGNG LIE TO ME RIGHT IN MY FACE & I’D BE LIKE WOW UR TELLIGN THE TRUTH I BELIEVE IN U), but I also like M*A*S*H, The Man From U.N.C.L.E. and The Twilight Zone 46. tattoos: I idon’t really want any! 47. right or left handed: Right

first

48. surgery: None to my knowledge, or maybe a few when I was super young bc my moves (lungs) are weak babe 49. piercing: None (my mom keeps trying to get me to pierce my ear but it’s not my thing, & also if I do get it i’ll only get one and it’ll be the Gay Ear) 50. sport: Football, I think? In any case, I’m bomb as hell at getting hit in the fucking head by the sports balls.  51. vacation: London or Australia iirc 52. pair of trainers: I don’t remember either, I can barely remember anything from 2016.

more general

53. eating: Nothing at the moment 54. drinking: Water 55. i’m about to: Nap or watch Lie To Me (I haven’t decided) 56. waiting for: My exams to be over 57. want: Nothing at the moment 58. get married: Sure? I’m not really opposed to marriage as a whole, but if it starts getting yikes you bet your ass I’m gonna fucking bounce 59. career: I don’t have a career rn but I’d like to do illustration/concept art it seems p cool. Either that or become a psychologist and charge people $30 for readings.

which is better

60. hugs or kisses: I don’t like either 61. lips or eyes: Eyes 62. shorter or taller: I don’t really care. I love both short girls and guys (@tiM), and tall girls and guys are just as good! 63. older or younger: Doesn’t really matter to me either. 64. nice arms or nice stomach: Also doesn’t really matter but if ur arms are good I’m definitely eyes emoji af 65. hook up or relationship: Relationship. 66. troublemaker or hesitant: See, I’d say hesitant but I don’t really know that either. Just as long as you’re not doing some stupid shit we’re good.

have you ever

67. kissed a stranger: No 68. drank hard liquor: Nope.. Well, not to my knowledge. 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: I don’t wear either ghgng 70. turned someone down: No 71. sex on the first date: N O 72. broken someone’s heart: UH Yeah when I was 13 (how even the fucK.) 73. had your heart broken: yEP 74. been arrested: Never bc I’m a cop, Larry 75. cried when someone died: Yes. I’m okay throughout the funeral but the minute it registers that I’m never gonna see them again, I’m gooooone af. Even if I didn’t particularly like the person when they were alive. 76. fallen for a friend: YEAH!!! But it’s usually one of those new-friend crushes sourry.

do you believe in

77. yourself: I mean, Sometimes. It’s like... Can I do it? Most Likely. Did I do it correctly? Most Likely Not. 78. miracles: Not really, no. 79. love at first sight: Yeah, sure, I mean everyone’s different, so who’s to say just because I don’t feel it someone else doesn’t. 80. santa claus: No way my dude 81. kiss on the first date: Depends bc at mY AGE I’m not boutta put my face anywhere near someone else’s thts jst weird 82. angels: Mayhaps,,,, I don’t believe that they don’t exist, if that makes sense.

other

83. current best friend’s name: Mmmnnnn Kylogram (Kyle Ron), maybe? I’ve a few best friends. 84. eye colour: Dark brown, they look kinda nice in the sun I guess. 85. favourite movie: RESERVOIR DOGS, Four Rooms, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead, The Lion in Winter, TMFU, Wonder Woman, ROTJ, Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade

--

This is a big Mess, but yeA I’m tagging whoever was mentioned above & no one else bc this has gone on for long enough, to do the one you weren’t tagged in or hell do the first one if you want, bc that one is a compilation of like 3 different tag memes ghfh. Good bye u all.

(OH YEAH if ur a mutual/follower/whoEVER who sees this feel free to do if if you’d like!! Say I tagged you if you’d like to c:)

[wozman23]

Roller Coasters and Car Wrecks: Both The Physical and The Emotional Kinds

I’ve recently taken a couple of trips to Six Flags, but those haven’t been the only roller coasters I’ve been on. And I’ve recently been part of or witnessed a few car wrecks. In every instance, these last few months have been absolutely absurd in the most beautifully nerve-racking of ways. For my own well being and sanity, I’ve needed to severely cut my time at Aldi for quite some time. Despite the fact that I’ll be losing about $1000 a month, I’ve now done that. I’m two weeks in to being a part timer. Yet I fear I pushed myself a bit too far for those eight months. The constant lack of sleep has seriously impaired me, yet I continued to push my limits despite countless signs. First off, many months ago, after a gym split shift that started at 5 AM and ended at I-don’t-even-remember-how-late PM, I backed into someone pulling out of a parking space in a Walmart parking lot. It was the most minor accident imaginable, but my insurance company didn’t give a damn. So when it came time to renew, they raised my rates, and I decided to stop carrying collision and comprehension on my 12 year old car. Then a few months back I destroyed two tires after falling asleep at the wheel. That was the most literal of wake up calls, and a $400 mistake. It was really the turning point that made me question how hard I was pushing myself. I’m still grateful that the situation wasn’t much worse. Then again, yesterday, while not paying enough attention while trying to maneuver my way out from a gas station and in to a turn lane through a few lanes of traffic stopped at a light, I took too narrow of a path when squeezing between vehicles and put a nasty scrape across my passenger side rear door and quarter panel when I brushed up against the bumper of a semi. On one hand I was pissed off! Why wasn’t I paying more attention?! It’s either something that’s gonna cost quite a chunk of change to fix, or it’s something that won’t be worth fixing and I’ll just have to stare at my mistake until it’s time for a new ride. On the other I was relieved that the semi driver didn’t care since the rigid metal bumper took pretty much zero damage, so all we did was shake hands and agree that we didn’t need to exchange insurance. So now my car, which looked alright when it moved to California, is in much worse shape these days. The right side alone has taken a rock to the windshield (hey, at least that one wasn’t my fault), some chipped paint on the rear bumper, and now a giant war wound. Like many cars on the road out here, it is beat up. I now joke that it’s my badge that I’m a true Angeleno. But, contrary to how it sounds, my life hasn’t completely been a series of car accidents. It’s had its ups as well. I’m fortunate that my gym job is a pleasure. I absolutely love it, my clients, and the vast majority of my coworkers. I couldn’t imagine a better, more fulfilling job. And just tonight I cemented a promotion by barely squeezing out the required amount of training sales dollars and supplement sales - largely in part thanks to my amazing clients and coworkers who pulled some favors for me to get close enough to those requirements, and me throwing a few hundred down on supplements knowing I will make my money back in the next three months.

But just as I lessened my role at Aldi, I’ve also lost some good clients. While my paychecks have been on the up-and-up, my overall net pay is in a state of flux right now. And if those sales numbers don’t maintain - which they’re trending not to - I take a demotion back to where I was after another three months. So I’m really uncertain on where that roller coaster is heading next. Couple that with the fact that I’m still clearly mentally and physically exhausted from both jobs and the continued effort of trying to make that relationship I was interested in work, I’ve been in a really weird headspace. That physical exhaustion also means that I’ve curtailed my workouts. I haven’t consistently run since my injury around six months ago, and my lifting has been the most inconsistent it’s been since I began this journey a few years ago. I don’t doubt that’s also influenced the uneasy feeling I’ve been having. Most days I’m still filled with chipper whimsy, but I’ve noticed my mood start to swing in less desirable directions. While it’s nowhere near as crippling as it once was, I’ve finally began to feel a normal, acceptable amount of anxiety about my future, which is to be expected from such chaos. I’m actually surprised it took this long. But that small level is actually nice to have again, because it lets me know I’ve crossed my limits. I wish it would have let me know months ago. Maybe then my car - which seems to be more and more representative of my battered psyche every day - wouldn’t have taken the brunt of the damage it has. Maybe this steam of consciousness would be more coherent, and maybe I’d have the energy to proof read it. Then the pinnacle! Tonight we were supposed to celebrate promotions at work by meeting for dinner. Reservations were made around a month ago, but it kept getting pushed back. Finally hitting my goals, I was invited hours before the event. So after putting in a full day at the gym striking out on getting that out of pocket cost of my supplements any lower- because I’m still not that great of a salesman - I picked up another $200 worth of amino acids, creatine, joint flex, and multivitamins, drove over to the place we were supposed to meet... and found out it had closed down a few weeks ago due to a fire. A backup plan hadn’t materialized yet, so being mentally and physically spent, I laughed it off and went home. And on the way home what should I find: a traffic jam. The cause: the same generation Corolla as mine with a crushed front end after rear ending someone on the 5 (see again I’m a true Angeleno because I don’t call the interstate I-5 anymore). I’ve had some pessimistic moments. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve been angry. I’ve been desperate. I’ve questioned whether or not moving here was the right choice. Yet, despite all of my turmoil and absurdity, there are constant reminders that things could always be worse. My place of employment didn’t burn down and while my car may be unsightly, it is still drive-able. Thanks to killing myself with two jobs, I’ve nearly replaced all the money in my savings that I blew through to get established. Overall, I remain predominately optimistic. My roller coaster has the potential to be heading up. I’ll be making around $4 more per hour when training clients, which equates to around $22/hr. I’m coaching an all-time high of 7 Gold’s Burn classes a week, which gets me $32/hr. I’m getting more full nights of sleep, which is the thing I need the most. I’ve got more free time. I’ll have most weekends off. I went for a run today with a client and her husband - the one who I resigned that put me literally $10 over my sales goal. (As a thank you I bought her some protein powder.) I’m hoping I can make those runs a semiweek(end)ly occurrence with a few clients/friends. I’ll have more time to catch up on video games, a month’s worth of Conan episodes that I haven’t watched, and a few other shows. And despite a few missed opportunities on previous invites, I might have finally talked Lisa into coming to Six Flags with me and our mutual friend on July 10th. And maybe we’ll hit the water park later next month. When I went to Six Flags last weekend, one roller coaster was shut down almost the entire day. But it reopened just before close. We hopped in line, got all the way to the front, literally waiting to be the next to hop on... And then a car got stuck on the climb... We waited while they tried to fix it,and watched as the next person-less test car got stuck again. Many people behind us left. But in the end we stayed, they got it up and running, and we got to ride arguable the best ride there.

That’s me: I push through shit, stubbornly. I’m determined. I’m always looking to move forward. When I want to hit a goal for a half marathon, I do so at the expense of my ligaments. When I hit a curb, I don’t put the car in reverse. I just run it over. When I start to hear my car door scraping against a semi, instead of stopping I just let it scrape the whole way. It’s not always the smartest decision - clearly. Had I stopped, fixing a single small blemish on the door would have been a relatively cheap repair. But in other, not-car-destroying related instances, it can be a benefit. Life is fucking weird, and that’s why it’s fun. It reminds me of a snippet from a song I fell in love with that I found not long ago, Incandenza by Waking Aida. I posted it before, but it bears repeating: “When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises; when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape; when your boots will fill with rain, and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment. And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you. Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away. You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. You will put the star in starting over, and over. And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life" - Sarah Kay

That poem eviscerates my soul for so many reasons. It exemplifies the last few years of my life perfectly. It reduces me to tears - happy tears. I honestly have no clue where this roller coaster is headed, but I’m enjoying the ride, the people I’m riding it with, and all its ups and downs. If you’ve made it this far into this post, or even just cared enough to skip to the bottom, thank you for being in my life. Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks for laughing with or at me. Thanks for inspiring me. I hope you see life through the same glasses I do. If I can give you but one thing, I hope it’s that childlike optimism.

[aquarianlights]

you get anything cool for xmas? I guess my family are over giving presents, since we're adults. at most my sis gave me iron on cat patch 😅

I saw that!!! It looked so cute omfg 😍😍😍

I got some of my car fixed for christmas so I could actually be able to drive home in time for the next semester to start LOL

No but really that was a huge gift coz I couldn't have afforded that by myself. Also I mentioned like a year or two ago that I wanted an alexa or something of that nature and as you know, she had me pick out the one I wanted on amazon when things were financially okay months ago and that was my "official" christmas present even though it was given like 2 or 3 months in advance. I chose the echo spot and I have been lost without it while on this vacation honestly lol. I didn't realize how much I had integrated that thing into my life until I drove down here to help my parents out with the move over my winter break only to discover all these things I normally ask it to do or answer for me... suddenly, I can't ask it to do or have to physically type in on my phone 🤨 Which is SO "first world problem weh" but I'm just kinda shocked coz that was just normal way of life up until a few months ago and I honestly didn't think it had made that big of a difference in my life until I came down here. Man oh man. Lol. I do love my echo spot, though. 🥰

Did I even rant about this on fb? My car died literally the second I got here and I didn't even know it.

My check engine light had been on for a month or so and I didn't have the money to take care of it coz it was thousands of dollars of work that needed to be fixed so I figured as long as it was driving and not like... doing anything different than normal, it was fine. 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️ Idk anything about cars so I just hope for the best most of the time honestly. 😩😭😭😭 The mechanic told me that the only reason I even made the 12 hr drive here is because my car never had time to cool off whenever I stopped since I was just stopping to take Echo out to pee and walk him and stretch and whatever. But when I got here and let my car cool off overnight, the park that was almost broken completely snapped in half and it was this tube thing connected to this box thing that holds all this fluid stuff..... basically like the aorta on top of the heart. And it looked like the aorta had just been snapped with scissors somewhere along the ascending aorta and all the blood just leaked out all into the body and then you had internal bleeding and well....that's bad. Really bad. Translate that into car language and you have what happened. At least...that's the gist of what I understood, I think. 😅😅😅 Along with some other stuff underneath the car being snapped and broken that wasn't like...essential to my cars survival but helped a *ton* (like the thing that makes it drive steady... I think it's called uh... suspension???? Idk) that they tried to patch up as it has uh... been a real problem (anyone who has ridden in my car since I've driven on NOLA roads, you'd know lol). But the stuff under the hood really uh... coulda stranded me. So I'm really glad I made it. Coz Idk what I would have done if I had made it...say...8 hrs out and my car gave out on the freeway with stuff packed for me AND Echo for a 2 week stay and Echo and all his food/water/essentials in the frontseat with me. Like..... idk man. Lmao. 😵😵😵 I've been in that situation with just myself, but with Echo with me? No thanks lol.

Heck. But the worst part is..... we got everything fixed. Paid LITERAL thousands. It was good. He threw in free overhead lights coz I haven't had lights in my car in *years*. Like. Since I got it forever ago. But after I picked it up from him, it was GREAT. EVERYTHING WAS AMAZING. SMOOTHEST DRIVE EVER. It was like I was driving it right off the dealership all over again!!!

I drove to Starbucks to grab a frappe with a giftcard I had leftover from thanksgiving and decided I would go inside instead of drive through. So I parked my car......and I took a while inside and decided to sit down and relax a bit away from my parents and enjoy the cool night air.

BUT THEN........

I get in my car and turn it on.........and an orange light comes on on my dash. I stare at it..and I'm like...."Oh god. Oh no. What does that mean. Oh no." I google it....and I felt so stupid. Because it was the FUCKING CHECK ENGINE LIGHT THAT I HAD BEEN STARING AT AND TRYING TO IGNORE FOR OVER A MONTH LMAO 😩😩😩 So I was like "fuck...SERIOUSLY". Mind you, it wasn't on when I drove out of the garage.

So I didn't even call the guy coz they were on the verge of closing. I drove right back and ran up to the guy and he was like "Woah what what what" and I'm like "BRUH. THE LIGHT. IT'S BACKKKKKKKK!" And he laughs and is like "It's probably just a (code? Switch? He said some word thing idk...mechanic talk idk 😭😭😭)"

So he told me to bring it back Tuesday and he would throw in some free, new wipers while he checked out my car again. Like, he was super duper sweet. And my mom had taken her car to him and just recently paid thousands on her car as well as hers had just died when she got here, too. So he knew we were really stretched thin here.

BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN END THERE.

I got up today and we actually went and did something fun today instead of moving bullshit. My great aunt, my mom, my cousin and I did an escape room and it was SUPER fun coz it Houdini themed and you know how magicians always have assistants so they asked for a volunteer that will be separated from the group at the beginning in a separate room that the group has to free from the clues the person trapped is yelling through the walls so I volunteered and it was just fucking amazing lmao. Only the 2nd one I've ever done in my life, but god I love those things soooooo much like 20/10 would do again!

But er...regarding my car...I was going to drop my car off and hop in my great aunts car at the dealership and we would drive to meet up with our other family. So I'm driving....and I happen to look down at a stoplight......and the FUCKING CHECK ENGINE LIGHT IS OFF AGAIN.

At this point I'm like "You know what.... I'm done....lol..." Like. I just.... 😩😩😩🤦‍♂️ I know as much about cars as I know about cooking....aka, NOTHING. Fuck, dude. Every time I try to have someone teach me either thing, I fuck everything up and it's just bad. :( Idk why it's so hard for me. I feel like getting into auto work would be similar to dissections and autopsies wouldn't it? I have come to quite enjoy dissections. I get actually get excited everytime there's a wet lab day and we get to slice something up and dig around in it and poke through the anatomy and actually physically see how everything lays and works and ....idk, I feel like that's very similar to how working on a car would be??? Am I just fucking crazy??? 😩😩😩 jeeze lol.

What're you gonna put your cat patch on btw? Your sister gives cool gifts. Do you have a patch jacket or anything?

Did I post the gifts I gave to my mom? 🤔🤔🤔 One of them was really neat, and she's obsessed so Imma have to do that at some point lol. Echo has barely even touched his two new toys 😒😒😒 He keeps going to his old toys....lol. brat. Haha it's what I expected though. He'll get to his new ones next year probably....and the ones I get him next christmas will probably be used around the Christmas after that 😂😂😂 It's a cycle.... My bby has to have his squeakies to num on, you know lol.

I hope I didn't fuck anything up writing this coz my ambien kicked in halfway through this and I'm about to head to bed. Got a looooooong ass day of helping boomers figure out technology. Setting up a bunch of new technology around the house, helping them figure it out, taking mother to buy a laptop that suits her needs, taking her to verizon to help her change our plan and figure things out for her if they're open for that, helping her set up auto pay on stuff and teaching her how to pay bills online and writing out instructions step by step and labeling ALL THE THINGS for her.....lists and neat handwriting are my specialty after all. A week later and my great aunt and uncle are still convinced I somehow wrote my note on their christmas card with a typewriter?????? 🤨🤨🤨 Idk man lololol. And lots more millennials-teaching-boomers moments tomorrow! I'm already exhausted 😩 lmao jk but no rly 😒🤪🤪🤪 Aight Imma go to sleeps now. Sir says grrr. As per usual. Pls show me what you do with the cute cat patch. I wanna see. 😻😺👀💕🥰

Night, K. 🥰🥰🥰

And since I'm posting this at 1am, Florida time.....and knowing some of you are an hour behind (my home time zone for example).... HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!! WE DID IT. WE MADE IT TO A WHOLE NEW FUCKING DECADE. HELL YEAH.

I honestly never thought I would see 2020. I mean that both metaphorically and as a pun. 😘

Goodnight everyone! 🥰

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Lets Transform Ourselves (Day 4) via /r/selfimprovement

Lets Transform Ourselves (Day 4)

Background information:

I'm a 20 year old Middle-eastern guy who's very figgity, impulsive and really only thinks about the short term benefits of everything. I used to be addicted to Gaming, but ever since i became 18 years old i decided to leave that part of me behind. I live in a lower-class home, we live off of welfare and I've had the fortune of being born with an above average-IQ which has led to me being able to go to university with a loan.

Last year 2017 December 17th I quit university, broke up with my girlfriend (whom i lived with for 4 months), ditched all my junky friends and moved back to my hometown.

So this is what I'll be doing every single day.

Meditating 10 minutes per day

Programming 2 hours per day

Reading books 2 hours per day

Walking 2 hours per day

Staying Clean

No more Junkfood

Log of 8th of August 2018 - Current time 02:36 AM :

So... I'm back ! Once again with another post. The last post wasn't very much appreciated and it did frustrate me. Why do people not like this sort of content, someone trying to improve their life and trying to inspire others but rather choose to despise it and dislike it. I've seen posts where people talk about how negative everything is and how chaotic they are and that gets 100+. I guess it has something to do with being able to relate with the post as not everyone is doing so well as i'm doing right now.

Back to what matters. Alright so today was a rather cloudy day, a bit rainy and not the best of weathers. I woke up at 10:30 AM feeling all zombie-like and did my little morning routine which consists of drinking some coffee and eating my breakfast and rushing to the shower. Right after that I decided to watch 2 episodes of dexter (which is becoming a routine as well). I should've only watched one episode, but I was feeling so groggy that i couldn't stop myself.

I was not feeling that energetic and when I don't feel energetic i change up plans, i usually walk at night time and today I decided to walk during the day at 14:00 PM (when i'm supposed to be programming). So I did what I did, i walked and I think people on the street are really starting to recognize me as I'm always walking the same path and i'm seeing those exact people inside their cars and walking on the pavement. The only reason i survived this walk was because of the highly energetic music I was listening. I had biked the other night which made my considerably tired and sore, so this walk wasn't the most pleasant of things. I did make it though, with a whopping 1:45 hours of walking (NOT ENOUGH). After the walking I thought to myself, why not do some pushups and sit-ups as well for some muscle development, cardio does afterall make you burn your muscle. So I did 50 push-ups and 160 sit-ups this time and this is going to become one of my daily's. I noticed that the pushups were becoming rather easy because i've been doing them a lot more lately.ThT

After this i had made up my mind to clean my room and also clean some things on my laptop (has to do with E-commerce). My room wasn't looking too good and you know what they say, clean room = clean mind. First i made up my bed, then I picked up anything that was on the floor and didn't belong there. Secondly I vacuumed the whole place to make it real tight(that's what she said) and thirdly I cleaned my desk because it had some coffee stains and we can't have that can we. and here is where things go a very different direction, as I'm cleaning my desktop (laptop) i'm getting distracted with the E-commerce stuff that I do. I usually sell accounts online on specific platforms and I happened to have a lot of traffic. So after cleaning my laptop's files i ended up spending a couple hours just communicating with people regarding their orders and buying some accounts to sell later on which took about an hour of my time.

It'd be 17:00 PM by now, diner's ready and I haven't meditated a single minute or programmed a single line or even read a single page. After diner i decide to call my Mobile internet provider and discuss the internet issues i have been experiencing (extreme slow internet) and well they did waste a lot of my time. I had to wait 10 minutes in line to get to customer support and they kept telling me to call back in 5 minutes which i did and every single time i did i had to wait another fricking 10 minutes to get them on the line. That ended up taking an hour and it didn't even fix my internet speed... At about 18:30 PM I started a meditation session for 10 minutes and also purchased a subscription for the app "headspace' which is the app i use for meditation. I really needed to meditate after the calls i had, because it did make me feel stressed out and I also didn't know how to make up for the time that was wasted.

Now it's about 19:00 PM after the meditation session and I felt like i was burning myself out and just being responsible the whole day, and that is a very odd thing for me. I figured i needed some leisure time, so i ... watched ... another episode of dexter ! Hahaha. After this episode I just got distracted to the maximum and just thought fuck it... I'm distracted lets just go bike and lose some weight.

I went biking from 22:00 PM to about 23:00 PM which wasn't the greatest decision but certainly not the worst I've ever made . I felt awake after this bike-trip so it actually did benefit me because I still didn't do the programming nor did I read my book. I have a racing bike and damn do I go fast on that thing, I once tracked the speed at which i was travelling and it was 35 Km/hr that's as fast as a moderate scooter(i did occasionally bike faster than a scooter).

So 23:00 PM, time was running out and I just was clueless, how am i ever going to make it. I was about to give in and just go to bed untill i thought... NO I will NOT break the chain. This is not going to be my demise, i will fricking not let this happen ! I got me some coffee and started watching programming tutorials for CSS and HTML (Which i am learning rapidly) Learnt some ways of designing certain properties of the website like links, and positioning the elements of the website. I programmed for about 2 hours and I am darn satisfied with how it went.

Now 01:00 AM and i'm feeling restless because of the coffee and i am not done yet. I still have to read that god damn book. That's not how i usually feel about reading but it's just.. sleep i love sleep. I grabbed my book, laid on my bed and started reading. I actually liked it, i learnt a lot more then i expected to learn. Currently i'm reading "12 rules of life" by jordan peterson and what i learnt was immensely helpful. It was about how men are becoming overly feminised by society and how masculinity is sort of being punished. This was boggling my mind because i have experienced certain things that portrayed this really extensively, like how my female teacher kept punishing me for just being.. well a boy. And furthermore i learnt that facing difficulty is the only way you can progress in life (or watching someone else do it) Else you're overly protected and just become this scrawny little weasel that doesn't stand up for himself. Which frankly I do quite a lot of, i stand up for myself whenever it's needed.

Now that was all i had to write for today, i hope the feedback isn't as bad as the other day because that does demotivate me a lot. If you appreciate this even a little bit then let me know it ! I want to inspire you guys to start doing your own little transformations, and i really do want you guys to join me on this journey of productiveness and becoming your greatest self. Together we can do this and we will, nothing is stopping us. We will crush every single obstacle that lays ahead of us. Fuck mediocrity, we don't want to be average. Extraordinary and perfection is what we strive for.

Have a great day everyone, I'll be sleeping now i'm very exhausted but also very glad that I made it. I'm out. (3:04 AM rn)

Submitted August 09, 2018 at 04:01AM by AttackPrince via reddit https://ift.tt/2ATWjYu

[samiinkinen]

How hard can you ride a 42 hour cycling Time Trial i.e. lesson from RAAM 2018

Our four person mixed (3 men and 1 (wonder)woman) team Fat Chance just completed the 2018 edition of the 3,070 mile cycling race Race Across America (RAAM). Although our priorities were safety first, then personal relationships, and lastly speed, we finished reasonably fast in 6d 9h 33mins i.e. averaging 20 mph (or 19.99 mph as the race organizers liked to report it!) and won the 4 person mixed team category.

I personally ended up riding exactly 42 hours and 934 miles (averaging 22.2 mph) during those six plus days. Before the event, I wondered what might be the optimal effort and pacing for an event that is essentially an individual cycling time trial for up to seven hours per day for a week or more. I got the exact answer - or one answer - during the race, which I’ll detail below. I’ll also share a few other lessons that may be helpful for others preparing for a future RAAM adventure (which I’d highly recommend as a life experience and sports event).

How hard can you time trial 42 hours in six days?

My initial hypothesis was that the optimal effort is somewhere between

Well below threshold / FTP or Zone4/5 (380-400 watts for me) effort even if each continuous riding effort between our four riders was limited to just 20 minutes at a time. Riding six hours (or even two!) at threshold effort per day seemed impossible even with optimal nutrition and sleep.

Definitely above pure aerobic endurance effort that is almost exclusively fat burning, Zone 1-2 riding (or 220-240 watts for me). I’ve done a few bike touring trips, riding 5-6 hours a day for a week at this effort.

So my best pre-RAAM guess was that with optimal rest, nutrition and riding schedule, I should be able to hold Zone 3 effort (280-300 watts) for these 42 hours, which is roughly my Ironman triathlon riding effort. My guess was pretty good.

What is the optimal riding schedule for four riders?

We debated the optimal 4-person riding schedule for weeks and ultimately settled on the first principle that sleep is the most important performance enhancer after the first two days. For this reason, we decided that we should:

Leave 12 hrs for full recovery, sleep and nutrition, each day

Keep circadian rhythm the same each day for each rider

Leave flexibility for each 2 person pair to optimize actual riding time

The net result was that one pair of two riders rode 12noon - 00AM and rested the second half. I rode the opposite schedule, starting at midnight each night.

The length of each pull was left for the pair and my pulls ended up being between 40 minutes and 2 hours, averaging just under 1 hour. The long 2 hour pulls were at night when it was raining hard and we wanted to minimize clothing change and getting cold. While those long pulls were mentally much harder, the effort that I was able to hold was about the same.

What actually happened during RAAM?

The first day started with 2.5hrs of riding in two pulls. I consciously rode hard at Zone 4 or 350+ watts just to drop other teams and to give my rested legs some real work. I knew I’d have almost 10 hours to recover before our regular 12 hour schedule would start. I think this was the right way to start, but definitely not the effort I could hold for 42 hours!

During my first real 12 hour shift, I continued with upper Zone 3 or 300-320W average efforts, but as we climbed to 6000-8000 feet of elevation, I was forced to bring it down 10-15% to 270-280 watts.

After two days of riding and coming back to sea level, I was able to average 300W+ again, but with heavy perceived effort. 280-300W felt much more sustainable.

Then I had my first totally failed night of sleep or about 3 hours only in our moving RV. I lost another 5-10% and could barely hold 260-280W for hours. We all realized that the decision to use a moving RV (is it even legal?) as our sleeping platform was a really bad decision. The 12 hour “recovery period” turned into something less restful for all of us.

After a bit more sleep (at most 5 hrs per night) the following nights, I was able to ride the second half (3 days) at around 280-290W average, while riding hills at 310-320W and several one hour pulls at 300W+ when another team was getting too close for comfort.

All and all, I ended up averaging about 290 Watts over those 42 hours, or almost exactly my Zone 3 Ironman triathlon efforts. With hindsight, I would say to further optimize pacing for maximum speed during RAAM, I would:

Optimize sleep: riders in 12h on - 12h off schedule should be shuttled to a hotel to sleep in a quality bed for 7-9hrs after each riding shift. Trying to sleep in a moving RV that is an errands-running vehicle is not going to work. I probably lost at least 5% if not more of my effort due to really bad sleep.

Optimize effort: when riding 24mph on a TT bike on flats, I’d drop effort even more (10-20%) to not waste energy on fighting the wind (wind resistance increases to the square of velocity). Same with any downhills: After 30mph there is no point in pedaling. Instead, add +10% on headwind and uphill sections.

Schedule: I would keep the same riding schedule: 12h on, 12h off and make most pulls about 40-60 minutes unless in very high altitude on very high heat, in which case I might shorten the pulls.

Summary of my RAAM efforts relative to my zones and watts:

Thoughts on optimal bikes

RAAM is definitely a two bike event: I had a road bike (Trek Domane with disc brakes, good climbing gear and clip on aero bars) and a TT bike (Cervelo P5 with a disc rear wheel, but no disc brakes) and I would go with the same setup again. California, half of Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, Illinois, Ohio, most of Indiana and some of West Virginia and Maryland are made for riding on a fast TT bike. 

I spent more than half of my time on the TT bike and would have ridden even more if I had disc brakes in it for rainy weather. I felt it was too dangerous to ride my TT bike on hilly and windy roads when it was raining. On the other hand, road bike was a must especially in West Virginia with constant 8-12 degree uphill grades with little shoulder to play with. And climbing those 8000ft+ and 11,000ft+ peaks in Colorado was also optimal for a non-TT climbing bike.

Thoughts on nutrition

I followed pretty closely our Fat Chance Row nutrition plan (i.e., real food and little to no carbohydrates), except that I consumed ~30 grams of carbohydrates per riding hour and some right after each of our 12 hour riding shifts. The only area that didn’t work well was that I assumed I’d be able to eat lots of solid food (e.g. macadamia nuts, nut butter) during the 12h riding shift in between my pulls. I couldn’t. Next time, I’d focus on hydration and liquid food only during the riding shift and and have the real meal(s) during off hours.

(Important “footnote”: none of this would have been possible without our crew of volunteers, so huge thanks to all our volunteers who kept the train going!)

[calorieworkouts]

Live Like a Pro: Olympic Steeplechaser Donn Cabral

NCAA Track and also Field champion Donn Cabral has reached some serious elevations for a 22-year-old. Not only did Cabral graduate from Princeton University this previous springtime, he additionally safeguarded one of just 3 UNITED STATE slots for the 2012 Male's Olympic Steeplechase. Unnecessary to say, he's very fed. He's obtained a handful of smart tactics to maintain himself grounded-- both on and also off the track. Right here, Cabral discusses the methods and pointers that maintain him in the game (think: inspirational concepts and also an elevation camping tent). And also: Just how he got over a multitude of injuries as well as a lull in his athletic career.

What precisely does a steeplechase involve?

I obtain asked this all the time! It resembles the steed racing event by the very same name-- though most individuals have not become aware of this either-- minus the equines. Basically, a steeplechase is a 3000-meter race on a track that includes leaping over obstacles. There are 5 per lap, making an overall of 35 jumps throughout the race. Among these 5 barriers has a water pit one foot after it that's two-feet deep. As well as, no, having damp shoes doesn't trouble me.

How did you enter the sport-- or, actually, when did you find out steeplechasing even existed?

I was a big football and also basketball gamer throughout center college. Then in senior high school I came to be a runner, and also [ later on] went to college for it. During my student year, my coach Steve Dolan suggested hurdling and had me race in a steeplechase event. I hated it. I informed my coach I didn't intend to do it once again yet he encouraged me to try it again. The 2nd time-- this was at Penn Relays in 2010-- I wound up really appreciating it. I won, as well as I took seven seconds off my time.

Then several years later on, you receive the Olympic quote in steeplechase for the 2012 London video games. How are you getting ready for the event?

Once I remain in Europe, my regimen will be a little different, however so far the training I do is comparable to exactly how I would certainly train for a 5K. I do a bunch of difficulty drills: I set up six difficulties at 33 inches high without much area in between them (regarding 2 or 3 backyards apart). I'll walk through them, bring the knee of my lead leg up, and snap my route leg as if I was hopping-- to dedicate the proper kind to muscle mass memory. Then I'll room the difficulties even more apart, skip together with them, pop my lead upper hand as well as down over them (once again, to mimic the ideal kind). I'll repeat initially, this moment snapping my route leg over the difficulties a few times. I'll remain to space out the hurdles and also boost their elevation, working right into a normal review at race elevation (42 inches).

I additionally do plyometrics to develop toughness as well as kind-- drills like butt kicks and also high knees. To construct explosive leg muscle mass and also nail home my type, I additionally do an exercise called 'bounding,' where you attempt to go as much and as high as you can with each stride while running.

Do you adhere to a specific diet regimen or deal with a nutritionist?

I don't deal with a nutritionist. I'm very stubborn about eating just what I like. I do not adhere to a certain diet plan, but I do limit refined sugars as well as processed food when I'm getting ready for a race, or when training begins to obtain serious.

Image by James Cole

What about alcohol?

Early on in my college profession, that was certainly something I had to maintain an eye on. As I began having more success with running, however, it ended up being less complicated to remain concentrated and also drink much less. I do not assume that one or 2 beers every now and after that is a bad point, however, as a whole, if you desire to be faster, drinking is not something you'll intend to do on a normal basis.

And your weakness foods? 

I do not have excessive of an issue with a particular food. I'll eat nearly anything, so my biggest concern is remaining in a scenario where food is endless. This was particularly tough at college, where every little thing in the dining hall was buffet style (treat trays consisted of). My greatest difficulty is to restrain myself from maximizing that type of availability.

Have you ever before been hurt while competing in, or training for, a steeplechase event?

Yes. I've fallen 3 times throughout steeplechase occasions. 2 weren't necessarily agonizing, however they took place during national championships which wasn't excellent. The third time was throughout the last obstacle of a race. As I was jumping up to the hurdle, the heel of my lead foot struck the barrier. It quit me dead in my tracks. I essentially rolled off the hurdle and also sprawled out in front of the crowd. Yet I stood up-- with a little quote of injured pride-- finished the race, and also wound up winning. I couldn't run for two or three days after, due to the fact that my bones were so bruised.

Aside from dropping a few times, have you encountered any significant troubles throughout your sports career?

Towards the end of high school, I had concerning a year-and-a-half-long running lull. It began during the house stretch of the Foot Locker Cross Country Senior high school Championships. With only half a mile to go I started slowing. I finished eighth-- and also I was physically and psychologically crushed by the loss. I truly struggled to obtain back right into running once again. In spite of being extremely focused, I kept obtaining injured (I tore my plantar fascia, on the arch of my left foot), and also I finished up missing the very first period of cross-country as a college fresher. I wasn't running extremely well in the winter season, and I wasn't running well in the spring. I ultimately began experiencing much better in student year-- I experienced much more into running, began steepling, and all of an unexpected I simply type of ignited. My pace grabbed to four minutes a mile, I began running 5Ks once again, and also I got back to where I 'd been mentally early in senior high school ... Even when things just weren't going well, I was still training, placing in hrs, and aiming to get out of that downturn. I assume eventually the training caught up with me in a great way-- it ultimately began to pay off.

What keeps you going now?

Most of my motivation originates from within, but I most definitely wouldn't have been able to stick to my training, or fit in my sports searches, if my mother and father had not made training as easy as maybe-- if they hadn't aided make certain I went for operate on family members holidays. They never ever obtained disturbed with me for taking time out to train.

It also assists to have close friends whose desires are in a similar way lined up with my own. I would certainly have really felt like an outsider if I 'd been a single individual aspiring for success without the assistance of my family members, friends, instructors [Peter Oviatt and also Steve Dolan], as well as colleagues. I never ever would have had the ability to sustain my motivation. I wouldn't have actually had anything or any individual to maintain me going.

Can you let us in on other training secrets of yours? 

This past year, I started making use of an elevation camping tent-- a gadget you zoom around your bed that pumps air with much less oxygen in it. It's meant to stimulate living at greater elevations and also it assists train the body to be much more efficient with its use of oxygen. It's been kind of unpleasant during the summer warmth, but I wished to see to it I did every little thing I could to get the 2012 Olympics. I have no concept if it's added to my success, but it definitely hasn't hurt me. I've aimed to invest 12 hours a day in there, 8 which include sleeping.

I likewise have concerning two loads note cards that I have actually composed a favorable affirmation or phrase on. Before a race, I'll go through them and take out a couple of to repeat in my head throughout the pre-race warm-up and throughout the real race itself. One that I've been utilizing a great deal recently, throughout these last number of races: ' I am a lot more trained and better experienced than my rivals.' It's aided advise me that my success isn't really concerning good luck, it has to do with being prepared. If winning races had to do with good luck, I would certainly obtain nervous. There's no requirement to be nervous if a race is simply going to show who's the finest trained. As long as I repeat to myself that that's me, I'll enter into the competitors with an air of composure.

UPDATE: On August 3rd, Cabral qualified for the Guy's 2012 Olympic 3,000-meter steeplechase last, placing fourth at 8:21.46!

Keep your eyes peeled off for Donn's next appearance at 9:25 pm BST on August 5th on NBC. Sign for notifies on this and other Olympic events at www.nbcolympics.com.

What's the one Olympic occasion you're looking ahead to a lot of? Inform us in the remarks below!

[weightlossnews01]

Orangetheory 101🍊💪

If you’re following along on my new weightloss Instagram (33lbs33yearsold) you’ll already know this, but I am quite into the wonderful workout that is Orangetheory Fitness.  This post is to answer some of the questions I’ve been receiving lately and to encourage those on the fence to give it a shot, as I promise it’s not as scary as looks. 

What is Orangetheory Fitness?

Orangetheory is a 60-minute workout that combines treadmill interval training, indoor rowing and weight work.  

You wear a heart-rate monitor (calibrated to your age, height, and weight) and your stats are projected on screens throughout the studio so that you can see what heart-rate zone you’re in.  I KNOW. That sounds scary and personal and perhaps embarrassing, or at least that’s what I thought, but it’s not at all. 

Heart-Rate Zones

There are five heart rate zones: 

♡ Grey 💙 Blue 💚 Green 🍊 Orange ❤️ Red

While working out your goal is to get as many minutes in the Orange and Red zone as possible (the official goal set by Orangetheory is 12 to 20 minutes). The combination of Orange and Red minutes is called “Splat Points.”

The theory is that if you get between 12 - 20 minutes in the Orange zone, you’ll continue to burn more calories for the next 24 hours. 

A typical TV screen during a workout looks like this:

So you can easily see which zone your heart-rate is in.  

Isn’t it embarrassing to have your stats displayed?

No! I too *really* thought it would be, but first and foremost I have no idea who anybody else is, and I only really watch my own little box on the screen.   

Also, each person’s heart rate zone is dependent on SO MANY THINGS. So many things like: sleep, food, their fitness level, or how hard they’re pushing themselves.  This means if someone isn’t in the Orange zone, it could be because they’re VERY FIT (so they have to push themselves even harder to get to Orange) or they’re not pushing themselves; it’s impossible to know!   I promise you, it’s not embarrassing at all though. 

The big number on the screen above is the person’s current heart-rate, and the small number in the top, right is the total minutes they’ve spent in the orange/red zone. Bottom, right number is your calories burnt. 

If you are consistent with Orangetheory you’ll start to see your average heart rate go down over time. It’s pretty neat, as your heart will have to pump less oxygen throughout your body for you to do the exact same workout (your heart isn’t working as hard; it’s healthier!)

What’s a typical 60-minute workout look like?

Firstly, they’re all different! It’s one of my favourite things about Orangetheory (and was also what I loved about CrossFit).  Every day is a new variation of running, rowing, and weights. 

Typically you spend about half the class on a treadmill, and the other half doing weights.  This all being said, I’ll walk you through an average class:

Let’s pretend you have your watch on, and walk into a class. You get assigned a “treadmill” to start on. The treadmill is very personal to YOU. So it’s up to you whether you want to be a:

Power Walker  Jogger Runner 

This card is posted on all treadmills, so you have to choose which one you want to be, and then use the numbers to guide you: 

Let’s say you choose jogger (that’s what I do!). So you hop on the treadmill, hit “start,” start walking, and then move into your “Base Pace” (say, 4.5 miles/ hour).   (A base-pace is something comfortable for you, for about 20 - 30 minutes.)

The instructor will then guide you through “Blocks” which are essentially mini-little workouts on the treadmill. For example, the instructor will say, “Your first block will be 6 minutes long. It’ll start with a 1 minute Base Pace, and then 2 minute Push Base.”

She’ll/He’ll guide you through the 6 minutes:

Base Pace: 4.5miles  (1 minute) Push Pace: 5.5miles (2 minutes) Base Pace: 4.5miles  (1 minute) Push Pace: 5.5 miles (30 seconds) Base Pace: 4.5miles  (1 minute) All Out:  6.5 miles (30 seconds) Base Pace: 4.5miles  (30 seconds)

As you can see it’s very personal to YOU. You get to choose your “base pace,” which then dictates your other speeds.  Also, when you’re on the treadmill with people next to you it’s SUPER motivating, and time goes by fast. 

After a few blocks (roughly half the class), you’ll then switch to the rower or weights area for the remainder of the class.  There the instructor will demonstrate each move, and you can choose how hard to push yourself, but remember that screen will tell you if your heart rate is dipping too low and you’re not pushing yourself.  

You’re also guided through the weights half of the class with TV screens reminding you of the exercise routine with videos. 

Okay, so that’s what the class looks like, but does it work?

Well…  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again,  you can’t out exercise a bad-diet, but for me, YES. Yes, Orangetheory works. 

I started consistently going February 12th, 2018 and today (April 1st), I have lost 7.5 pounds! However, I’ve also been very diligent with tracking my food in My Fitness Pal too.  My bum has had the best impact though (way perkier!) and I can see muscles in my arms/legs. Plus, I don’t die walking up steps anymore. 

How many time a week do I go?

I aim for at least 3, and no more than 5.  It’s so addicting that yes, if my body wasn’t tired, I’d want to go 7 days a week. WHO AM I?! But I really enjoy it, and find Orangetheory optimizes an hour workout. 

Is it expensive? How much do I pay?

You’ll have to check your local Orangetheory for their prices, as I go to an “elite” location (a central location), which increases the price, and these numbers are in Canadian dollars. 

For unlimited I pay $224.87 (Yes, a lot, but less than $15/class if I go 15 times a month).  When I dropped into a class in NYC, it was US$35/hour.  However, that was for Manhattan at an elite location. 

What are those screens I see on social media? How do I read them?

Orangetheory has digitized working out, which means they use monitors in their classes, have apps (super convenient for booking), and email you a summary of each workout.  Below is my workout today.  You can see how many minutes I spent in each heart-rate zone from the main graph. 

20 splat points = # of minutes in Red and orange zone Calories burtn = self explanatory (I always think it’s too high though) Avg HR = average beats per minute (I want to see this come down over time) Duration = self explantaroy

Underneath you can see the ups n’ downs of my heart over the hour. We sprinted during this one a lot, which is why towards the end it’s up down up down. 

What else?  

I really do love Orangetheory and really recommend it.  It’s helped me fit fitness into my life in a manageable way.  The coaches are VERY motivating, and although it looks scary from the outside, your first class is FREE and they’ll walk you through everything beforehand (you can literally walk in and know NOTHING and they’ll guide you through it). 

I should also note I did NOT love my first one, or even second, it took a few to really get into it and understand the pattern of it, but it’s the first workout where I really really push myself (motivated by my heart rate zone). 

Check out their website for more details and sign up (I’m not associated with them at all, just want to share it with people). 

Let me know if you have other questions, otherwise, follow along on my Instagram to see (hopefully!) progress (33lbs33yearsold)

from One Twenty Five https://ift.tt/2GNrC8W Visit Here to Get Forskolin Free Trial Here Get Free Weight Loss Product Now

[blackpjensen]

What’s Your Employee Damage Policy?

Not every employee will want to admit to making a mistake and taking the time to fix it. Employees are working long, stressful hours during a snow storm and sometimes mistakes happen. Some company owners put a policy in place to keep employees on track and repair any damages from their mistakes. See what these PlowSite members recommend as a policy for keeping mistakes and damage while on the job at a minimum.

GimmeSnow!!: I had a guy hit three mailboxes in one night a few years ago. He kept telling me he was going to go out and fix them but never showed up. Finally, I had another employee go fix the boxes and it took him 20 hours to figure it all out. I had to pay him $400 plus $200 in materials. I made a rule after that: I will pay for the mailbox but you have to fix it on your own time which I think is fair.

One of my drivers hit a mailbox the other night and I told him he would have to go fix it on his own time after he gets sleep. Then he called me when he was on a commercial property and asked me where to put the snow. I was explaining it to him but he wasn’t getting it. I told him to go in and talk to the manager, as I knew him well. The employee put two medium sized piles of snow in front of their loading bays. The customer called me the next day and said he needed it fixed ASAP. I got a hold of the employee and told him he needed to go to the customer and fix the problem. It took him 10 hours to dig the bay out. Now he wants me to pay him $240 to fix a mistake that could have been prevented in the first place and then he wants me to send another person with him to help fix the mailbox.

I was starting to suspect the employee of milking the clock mid-summer and kept making comments that the times are too long and he needs to get back on track. If I pay him his plowing wage to go fix all his mistakes after all the snow is done, that just means that he gets more money and I feel like there is no incentive for him to not be careless. I’m curious to see what everyone else’s policy is on this.

ktfbgb: I would never pay them their time to fix the mistakes. Period. Yes, paying for materials yourself seems OK but would be dependent on if I found that it was because of negligence on the driver’s part. Hitting three mailboxes in a single night seems pretty negligent to me, bordering on intentional. But I’m tough to work for and don’t let any of my guys take advantage of me. I am, however, more than fair according to my long-time employees who have a good work ethic and common sense. And I wouldn’t pay him to move the snow from the loading bay either. I give everyone a copy of the satellite image of the property with the owners/managers notes on exactly where they want snow piled. So, no excuses with me. If you’re not doing that, you may want to consider it. My customers really appreciate that I hand them the satellite image and ask them to mark approved locations. It makes sure everyone is on the same page before the first snow flies.

Randall Ave: As far as the first guy hitting three mailboxes, he’d have been fired right then. Legally you have to pay them for all their time, unless you have a previous agreement on such matters. Before he got to the commercial lot, the specifics on where the snow was plowed to, etc. should have been gone over. But any person should know not to dump the snow in front of the loading dock. When I had the town bid contract, I swear the one year it always snowed on recycle night. If it’s in the road its fair game.

1olddogtwo: A point system needs to be put in place.

Jeep_thing: Guess it depends on the supply/demand of plow operators in your area. Is it hard to find a decent guy? Or do you have to settle for a warm body?

kimber750: You are probably not going like this but here it goes: Where is the management? Employee asks a question and you tell him to talk to someone else? Old saying, “Don’t let the employees run the company.” You are the one letting them milk the clock. Twenty hours to fix three mailboxes is absurd. To me it sounds you have let the employees get away with everything and anything, and now you want to change it, well good luck. Remember employees are only as good as the training you give them. Yes, some can’t be trained, I have dealt with my fair share of them, and those are the ones you need to replace.

Mr.Markus: My father used to say: “There are no bad employees, just bad managers.” I think what the saying means is that as a good manager, you fire the bad employees which makes you a good manager. Keep them around, and you’re a bad manager.

Mark Oomkes: So, you’re going to fire a guy that screwed up and not pay him for the time on the clock. He gets pissed, goes to Labor Department and you get an audit of everything. Then you get fined and pay the employee for his time anyway. You cannot withhold pay for mistakes unless you have an agreement signed by them, and their pay cannot go below minimum wage. You must pay them for the time on the clock. Like it or not, it’s the law. And it’s your fault for the pile being in the wrong place, not his.

iceyman: We print out full-size pictures of every lot and draw exact spots where snow can and can’t go. Not his fault at all for not knowing where to put piles. And for $200, I’ll fix your mailboxes in two hours.

JustJeff: Managing mistakes or not, anybody that pushes snow in front of loading docks ought to be fired.

FredG: We all know the employees we hire need a chief, but to knock down a mailbox and then repeat it, I don’t think I need him. As far as fixing it, he won’t have the brains if he knocked it down. A guy that’s sent to a job and doesn’t know where to put the snow should never have been turned loose. I understand some need some degree of training. I will say this again, the laid-off heavy highway guys, laborers, operators, etc. are the guys to catch. They know about traffic and running trucks and equipment in small areas with Jersey barriers separating them from traffic. All are safety minded or they’d probably be dead or have had killed somebody else. You may need some creative payroll.

BUFF: My policy with employees is that damage caused by negligence is their problem. This is only if it’s a continual problem over a three-month period, each time they are talked to and the incident documented. The third time they have the choice of being fired or making it right. They know this policy going into the job and I figured if they’re signing on after knowing that, they’ll be good employees and it weeds out the bad ones. I’ve only had to do this once and he quit.

It’s making sure the employee understands company policy and expectations. When you consider the resources and money involved in training an employee, it’s foolish to invest in a warm body that creates rework along with not hitting the quoted labor/equipment budgets. Everyone has their own protocol and approach. I’ve found what I’m doing works well for me.

Foybles: Driver’s meetings, site maps and even walk-throughs on more demanding properties is essential to reducing expenses from mistakes and other types of rework. With that said, I personally have inadvertently pulled up a 6-foot section of curb. It happens.

GimmeSnow!!: I had an HR firm write my handbook and there is a clause in it for neglect and carelessness (although I do not remember the exact wording or what it entails). My shop manager is going to cement the post in a bucket and set it out and I will pay someone to put it back in the ground. I will pay the employee $10 per hour for digging the snow out of the bays. I was angry when I wrote the original post, but since then I have hired two more drivers and took him out of the salt rotation. He will be on residential only from now on and as soon as we are caught up, I will send someone to the back end of his route. If he picks his times up and doesn’t have any accidents, he can earn some more hours. Any more accidents and he will be moved to the walk crew. This guy has been with me for three years and has been trained on a different contract. The contract that he was on decided to go through a re-bid process on Dec. 12, so it was either he sits at home and I let my subs work, or the subs sit at home and he works. The subs will be back next week anyway because we will be back on the contract. The lot is a container factory and there are truck trailers and containers everywhere and they shift things constantly so the map is irrelevant. He was being lazy and did not want to move the snow twice to get it where it needed to go. The thing that pissed me off was that he was playing dumb on the phone, which is why I told him to talk to the manager.

Visit PlowSite.com for more forums on equipment, business management and technical information. Join the conversation in the largest community of snow and ice business professionals.

The post What’s Your Employee Damage Policy? appeared first on Turf.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8230377 http://ift.tt/2knn4MF via IFTTT