#i’ve been Numb recently and randomly Feeling rn. do not like it

[deviousrat]

unwell rn 😃

[burntflorets]

things i want to say to you if we were still talking: day 3

6 april 2017 2:57am i got nightmares again. this time i was helping a close friend of mine ( i can’t seem to be able to remember her face once i woke up). she was transitioning to become something else a different religion or sth. i helped her through her tough times. we were in my room just that it had a different setting. and she had another girl friend with her. it’s hazy i can’t remember everything but she tried to kill me. she had a gun. she was in a trance and she randomly shot the gun all around. i said i was scared and hid in a corner. her friend looked at me weirdly. i said i wanted to leave, my friend turned the gun on me. i ran for my life, down the stairs. she shot me in the head but i still could run. everything happened in slow mo. i ran in slow mo. she didn’t. i was crying calling out your name. i made it out of the front door crying for help and bumped into my colleagues. there was no one around except them. they stalled me for a few seconds before the girl caught up with me. they didn’t believe my story. they said i was crazy i tried to escape and i couldn’t. and i wanted to wake up from my dream so desperately and i couldn’t too. the dream was never ending, like it was trapping me inside it. i knew i was asleep and i was dreaming. i couldn’t do anything about it. idk how i finally woke up. i think i tricked myself into thinking that it was alr 6am. i heard myself calling your name out in my sleep. i guess even when i’m not conscious and awake i still need you as much.

3:33am hey i can’t go back to sleep. i was scrolling facebook and i came across this which i wanted to tag u in. but i can’t bc we aren’t supposed to be talking. i’ll just put it here, maybe you might come across this someday. “How to keep a relationship: Communicate: Talk about things, the good and bad. Build trusts. Be honest. Be faithful. Be there for one another. Make time for one another. Leave the past to the past, which include ex’s. Know that having arguments are normal. Know that you won’t always be happy. Don’t expect change. Appreciate the flaws. Appreciate each other. Become best friends. Lastly, love each other unconditionally. ” i know i said i didn’t want to hope but i really wish we would work out in the end.

7:27am i barely slept. i feel like shit too. i want to skip work today. my whole body feels like it’s giving up.

what day is it? oh thursday. nice. almost one week is over.

3 more weeks to go.

10:23am my whole body hurts. i think i over exerted myself yesterday while carrying the stones. it’s good feeling the pain tho, since i promised i wouldn’t hurt myself intentionally. at least this pain helps me a little bit. idk.

i saw this crystal marbled bar soap and immediately wanted to tag u and i was about to press send when i realized we don’t talk anymore. the marbled soap was so u, and it was whitish, your favorite colour. i wanted to get one for you but it costs 10usd for like a 5cm piece. plus the shipping. i think it’s not worth it. i looked up some diy crystal soap articles and maybe i’ll make some considering i don’t go out anymore and i have some time. maybe i’ll make them some day. if i can get myself out of bed and do something productive with my life.

11:33am ‪i would rather be fighting with you than going through this alone‬

12:30pm it’s lunch now and i bought majestic bay’s staff menu. i was so hyped up for it bc they said it was the okra one. bc i remembered the colleagues talking about it saying that the minced meat and brinjaw one was good. when the food came, i got so disappointed bc it’s was fucking LADIESFINGER AND FISH. FAK i always thought okra was brinjaw omfg and i was cheated??? holy shit i was so mad bc not only i don’t like ladies finger, the portion was so little that there’s only 3 small pieces of fish and 2 slices of ladies finger. omfg i got so mad that shit cost $5. omg ended up we had to buy macs the staff menu and a large fries. ugh

it’s weird tho i feel nauseous and my stomach hurts but i ate breakfast today. i had wraps and sandwhich. i didn’t eat the sandwhich tho. now eating lunch i feel like i need to puke even more than ever. ugh what’s wrong with me. i’ve been eating i swear. i’ve been eating 3 meals i didn’t skip any meals but idk why.

7:42pm daddy and mummy went out for dinner, they told me they had some food for me on the table and i just had to warm it up. i didn’t want to eat bc i didn’t have any appetite recently. but i couldn’t just throw it away and lie that i ate. so i just warmed up the food. i left the soup on the stove on low fire and went to bathe. halfway i heard and explosion and i got fucking scared. like omg wtf what if my whole kitchen is in flames or sth??? wtf wtf so i went out stark naked and soap still in my hair. and the fucking back door was open bc i went for a smoke earlier. fuck my life. and i was scared someone came home too and i was naked?? and what if the kitchen was on fire too?? fuck. luckily the fire just went out but the sound tho. scared the shit out of me. thank God nothing happened. holy shit. i thought the worst was over, and i could just go back to bathe. I couldn’t fucking turn off the fucking gas HOLY SHIT. the knob was jammed fuckkkkk how more suey could i get. and i was soapy and the soap was in my eyes and what not and i was trying my best to turn off the stove before anyone came home seeing me naked????? fuck. i finally managed to in the end. i swear my heart was beating so fast i thought it was going to pop out. omg. ok story telling time over. i’m so tired to even eat. i just want to smoke my life away till i pass out from the fumes.

9:28pm i happened to chance upon this thoughtcatalogue article and i really agree with it a lot.

I Love You, But You’re Not Good For Me (And I Can Finally See That) Becca Martin

It’s been months since I’ve seen you last and I was convinced you were what was missing from my life. I convinced myself that I couldn’t live without you, that I’d never be happy again until I was reunited with you, but going back made me realize something I’ve known for a while but have never been able to admit to myself. I finally realized just how toxic and suffocating you are in my life. I get so wrapped up in love and the idea of love that often times I forget just how good or bad something can be for me. I think that it’s right, and that just because it makes me feel good that means it’s all okay. But it’s not. It’s not okay that I left feeling full of regrets, feeling less than when I arrived to you, feeling empty because as much as I want to be with you constantly, going back to you made me realize how damaging our relationship is. It made me realize that what we had worked for so long, but even through all those years I failed to notice you’ve always made me feel this way. You were always bad for me but I just became completely intoxicated by you. You made me forget my morals, my values, how to be strong on my own because being around you makes me weak. It makes me do things I’m not necessarily proud of because being around you makes me feel alive. It makes me hate myself – and love shouldn’t make you feel that way. But I never noticed it at the time, I blocked it out and always blamed it on anything other than you. I enjoyed every wild moment, every drunk mistake, every time I let myself go completely because all I was concerned about in those moments was being there with you. I never wanted to be apart, I never wanted to live without you because I never thought I could enjoy life without you. I wanted to stay there; stay in those moments of comfort with you because it made me feel safe. In all those blissful moments I forgot how damaging you were to me because in those moments I never wanted anything more than I wanted to be there, with you. I thought going back to you would help, I thought it would remind me just how much I love you and it would make me want to stay. But I was wrong. I loved you when I got there – and I still do – but now I’m not so sure that it’s healthy because when I drove away and left you this time I didn’t feel the same heartbreak I felt the first time. I didn’t feel the same sadness and regret of walking away. This time I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go back to you again. Instead, this time I felt empty, I felt hopeless and like I’ve completely lost myself because that’s what you do to me. You completely intoxicate me and you turn me into someone I’m not, someone I don’t know anymore. And it breaks my heart to come to this realization because I love you more than you’ll ever know, but you’re not good for me. I learned that I can love you with my whole heart in a way that I’ve never loved anyone or anything else but that doesn’t mean we are good for each other; it doesn’t mean we’ll end up together because sometimes you don’t end up with the love of your life, and that’s okay. I love to love things that are bad for me because they make me feel alive, but at a certain point I need to walk away from what I really want in the moment and start walking towards something that’s good for me in the long run. I don’t know how I’ll do it without you, but all I know is I need to try because I can’t keep going back to you. I’m no longer good for you and you’re definitely not good for me.

it’s scary bc that’s how i feel sometimes. especially when we fight. i’m pretty numb rn, i don’t feel as much as i did on that day and the next. i know you’re bad for me, bc you don’t ever change or try and understand when a misunderstanding happens. you said u would but when it comes down to doing it, you don’t. but i still love you. a lot in fact. like how the girl felt like in the article.

these days, we have been fighting so much i’ve stopped wishing and hoping for things to go my way, i just let nature take its course. and i don’t think i’ll have a definite answer for you if u were to ask me at the end of all these. i’ve cleared my mind and have been thinking things through. i don’t feel depressed or happy or wtv. i just feel normal. like it’s any other day. i’m just going to leave it in God’s hands. it’s not that i’ve given up. i don’t want to fight against what has been planned for us. it’s tiring knowing that you’re fighting a losing battle. i’ll just let nature take its course, and go with the flow.

the thing about me is that no matter how wrong i know something is or how bad something is for me, i still try and fight for what i want. and i might end up fighting a losing battle when it comes to you. bc no matter how toxic our r/s is, i am that stubborn and i won’t give up even though i know it’s not going to work. i only give up when i’m broken. and i guess i’m not that broken enough to give up yet.

10:30pm the mood swings are back. i feel shitty. i miss u. there's a dull ache inside my chest. i wanna talk to you. i wanna know what you're doing. i want you to be here. i want to see your face. i want to feel u. i miss u.