#i’m tired of being seen as wrong and evil- love isn’t wrong

[sunshinefarabees]

someone seriously had a sign like that??? that's awful. I hope the sign got taken away and thrown in the garbage

unfortunately yeah :( idk if it was taken away but i hope someone at least said smth to them- im hoping it was a one time thing and doesn’t happen again

[prying-pandora666]

On the Disconnect Between ATLA and LOK: Or Why Reactionary Centrism Ruins Everything

I’ve made it no secret that I’m no fan of LOK’s writing for a number of reasons. But today I want to focus on only one issue: its politics.

I am baffled as to why LOK is seen as being the more “woke” story. Just because the protagonist is a buff brown woman with a female love interest (only implied until the comics, really)? This is such an incredibly shallow reading focusing only on aesthetics and ignores the actual content and philosophies LOK espouses.

But let’s not get into religion, iconography, the effects of colonialism and westernization etc, or we’ll be here forever.

Instead let’s just focus on the politics.

The Forge

Part of the disconnect between ATLA and LOK are the cultural conditions in the USA when both were made. The forge from whence they came was quite different.

Avatar: The Last Airbender

ATLA criticized imperialism.

If this show had been made during the height of Manifest Destiny, or during our super fun times illegally annexing territories (like Hawaii), it would’ve likely struggled to tell its story as well as it did. It would’ve been far more controversial and likely would’ve needed to take a more “centrist” approach, making it seem like imperialism isn’t “all that bad”.

It might have even come out and said that it isn’t imperialism itself that is the problem, but that Sozin to Ozai were big mean dictators that did it the wrong way!

But because ATLA came out in the 2000s—during a time in which the world had widely come around to thinking imperialism is kinda some super villain schtick—it was easy for the story to focus on the perspective of the victims of such campaigns and tell it from this point of view.

We don’t get long segments of feeling sorry for Ozai, now do we? The closest we get is Azula, who herself serves as a victim of this war that has consumed her childhood and deprived her of a safe, loving environment in which to grow and develop, instead having been groomed into a living weapon for her father and nation’s war machine.

So now let’s compare this to LOK.

The Legend of Korra

What does the first season of LOK cover? Collectivism, social activism, civil disobedience escalating to acts of violent defiance against the state.

What was going on in the USA in 2012 when LOK came out?

Occupy Wallstreet.

Socialism vs capitalism, the 99% versus the 1%, civil rights and equality; these are all issues we are still grappling with today. They’re highly politicized and divisive. There is no universal agreement about them.

And so LOK had no “safe” villain or “evil” ideology to combat. Instead it had a complicated and widely divisive topic to tackle that was contentious then and continues to be today.

As a result? Too much time is wasted equivocating.

Both Sides Are The Same! (But Not Really)

We get some soft worldbuilding early on in Book 1 of LOK showing how the infrastructure of this city is built to benefit benders and box out non-benders, but this is never given real focus. We SEE how the trains and police are dominated by earth/metal benders, we SEE how factory jobs employ lightning benders, while non-benders live in the slums which subject them to violence. But none of this is ever the focus or the point.

Almost as if the show is afraid to make a real critique from the perspective of the working class or an oppressed minority group.

Instead the story quickly falls off a cliffside as every tired old pejorative thrown at communists is recycled for Amon.

His sympathetic backstory is a complete fabrication meant to hide that he is actually part of the oppressor class.

They pretend to be the powerless oppressed group, and yet have the funding of the richest industrialist in the city?

The rich industrialist is a member of this supposedly oppressed class but really he’s just a secret villain looking to change the world for his own personal reasons and not to protect his fellow nonbenders (these same accusations are thrown at Jewish people re: Marxism).

There are no sincere attempts to communicate their grievances sympathetically or build a coalition or garner public support. Instead The Equalists only use violence, fear, and other oppressive silencing tactics.

The desire to make everyone equal by “stealing” people’s individuality. (The old “make everyone equal heights by cutting tall people’s legs down” chestnut).

And more!

This is kinda bonkers propaganda if you’re looking at it from a left-wing perspective, right?

And it seems weirdly incoherent if you’re trying to look at it from a right-wing perspective, especially with Tarrlok standing in as the villain “on the other side”.

But it makes PERFECT sense as an enlightened centrist horseshoe-theory piece that can’t commit to either side and has to warp and undermine its own story to fit a “both sides are wrong” message. Heck, it’s so heavy handed it even made Amon and Tarrlok brothers!

This is the problem that plagues all of LOK.

Look at the other villains too!

Amon: Civil Rights Activist or Bad Faith Opportunist?

Amon

Pretends to be: A civil rights activist for an oppressed minority group.

Is actually: A bad faith actor whipping up a small or non-issue into a much bigger one and convincing people to turn on each other for his own personal gain/revenge. Once defeated, the problem disappears.

Electing a non-bender somehow makes everyone happy and the problem is never addressed again. Just like electing Obama ended racism! Oh wait…

Unalaq: Spiritual Environmentalist or Environmental Satanist?

Unalaq

Pretends to be: A spiritualist concerned about the environment and the spirits. Basically Al Gore meets Tenzin Gyatso but willing to start a civil war over it.

Is actually: An occultist weirdo who wants to fuse with LITERALLY SATAN and usher in 10,000 years of darkness or something, and willing to start a war over it.

In an attempt to make a spiritual foil for Korra, who struggled with the spiritual parts of being the Avatar, the story took a weird turn and made a choice widely regarded as “fanfiction on crack” by having Unalaq aspire to become “The Dark Avatar”.

But it’s okay, you see, because while Unalaq’s criticisms of waning spirituality and lack of protection of holy sites could be seen as a knock against environmentalism, by the end Korra recognizes that Unalaq had a point and that the spirit portals should be left open.

So why exactly did Unalaq want to be the Dark Avatar and usher in an era of darkness? How was that supposed to resolve the problem he presented and Korra ended up agreeing with?

It doesn’t, and once again we are left with a contradictory centrist message of “protecting the environment is good but you should be suspicious of anyone that actually advocates for it”.

Also thanks for demystifying the origin of the Avatar and ruining the original lore for where bending came from with your Prometheus/Christian allegory. Ugh.

Zaheer: Spiritual Guru Fighting Against Modernity or A Charismatic Dummy Who Learned Everything About Anarchy From a Prager U Coloring Book

Zaheer

Pretends to be: An anarchist seeking to bring down oppressive regimes, therefor resetting the world to a more egalitarian time

Is actually: An idiot who doesn’t even know the difference between an ancom and an ancap and has no coherent ideology. He just wants chaos, I guess, which isn’t whah anarchy or anything is about.

Perhaps realizing they messed up so badly with Unalaq that even the creators were unhappy with the results, they attempted the spiritual foil idea again with Zaheer.

This time they actually had a writing staff which makes this season the agreed upon best of LOK.

But the tip-toeing around making any actual criticisms and falling back on the “both sides are bad” cop-out are only exacerbated by how uninformed and nonsensical Zaheer’s actions are. Not unlike Amon, he takes none of the steps an actual activist would take. He never even speaks to the people of Ba Sing Se to find out what they need or want. He just kills their leader, announces it, refuses to elaborate, then bounces and lets the city tear itself apart in the power vacuum.

It’s an entertaining spectacle! Just like his later torture of Korra is visceral. But none of it has any real substance to support it and so the horrific acts he commits feel like senseless edgelord tantrums.

Even Bolin knows it. Once Zaheer is defeated, Bolin shoves a sock in his mouth, therefor cementing Bolin as my favorite of the Krew for all time.

Kuvira: Literal Nazi or Literal Nazi but she didn’t mean it!

Kuvira

Pretends to be: A fascist, putting people in labor camps and uses the equivalent of an atom bomb to crush her enemies under heel in the name of unifying the continent under her control.

Is actually: All of those things but she had good intentions! She just went too far! Give her a slap on the wrists because her and Korra aren’t so different, you see!

Perhaps the most bizarre writing choice was to make the fascist the only truly sympathetic villain of this series. The reasons become quite clear, however, when we recognize one thing.

Yes, she’s styled after the Nazis.

Yes, her actions in modern day are more reminiscent of Russia.

But who is the only nation to have ever used a weapon of mass destruction on the level of the atom bomb? The USA.

And here is where the unwillingness to make a bold criticism or take a hard controversial stance is the most apparent.

Kuvira acts like a fascist and has a lot of Nazi-vibes, but she is also a grim reminder of the USA’s own imperial history. Of our flippant use of a horrifying technology that still continues to have consequences for the descendants of the victims even today. It is one of the worst violations of human rights and decency in history. And the USA is the only nation to have ever actually used one.

So if you ever feel it’s weird that Kuvira was arguably the worst of the villains but got off with only house arrest and a happy ending with hugs from her family? You’re not alone. Kuvira has to be “not that bad” or else you’re critiquing the USA itself. And that is a level of controversy this franchise doesn’t seem interested in dipping it’s toes into.

It’s the reason they equivocate and justify by having the Earth Prince step down and choose democracy. This isn’t an East Asian ideal. This wouldn’t have been a popular or virtuous choice in that time period. Many would’ve regarded it as tyranny of the majority, or a disorganized chaos without a consistent central authority.

It’s only seen as the perfect solution in the Democratic West. So you see, it’s not so bad, because at least we have democracy! We aren’t as bad as Kuvira who really isn’t all that bad either! Or so the narrative tries to apologize for itself.

And this is even more apparent with everyone’s problematic fav!

Varrick: How Elon Musk Wants Us To View Him vs What Elon Musk Wishes He Was

Varrick!

Is presented as: A quirky, funny, Tony Stark-esque genius who made a mistake and deserves a redemption!

Is actually: A war-profiteer willing to escalate tensions and shed the blood of his own people with no remorse to make money. Also he builds the equivalent of the atom bomb for Kuvira and her allegorical Nazis. But he gets a happy ending with a weirdly westernized wedding anyway!

Isn’t it telling that the villain who is written to be the most loveable and sympathetic is, in fact, the capitalist industrialist?

And not like that yucky evil industrialist Hiroshi Sato funding the Equalists and their civil rights movement.

No, no! Varrick is the good kind of industrialist! The kind that is non-political and mostly cares about money and inventions! After all, he only built a weapon of mass destruction for the Nazis, not the civil rights protestors!

Which brings us to…

Our Civilized Poverty vs their Savage Poverty!

And hey, that’s fair because look at the differences between Republic City and Ba Sing Se!

Sure, both had destitute populations starving and without proper shelter due to the disconnected elite leaders who didn’t care about their plight.

But the homeless people of Republic City are presented as jolly and helpful and never state a single grievance even as they live in a tent city underground! Everyone knows that democratic poverty is better! Therefor Sato was totally unjustified in funding an equality movement!

The poor people of BSS, on the other hand, are victims of that mean old non-democratic Earth Queen and later of the power vacuum left by her assassination, therefor their plight is ACTUALLY horrific. Kuvira may have been bad but she and Varrick are justified because of the unAmerican conditions!

Looking at it this way, so many of LOK’s problems fall into place. It perhaps serves as lesson in not tackling complex problems with the intention of a clean solution unless you’re willing to take a controversial stance and stick to your convictions.

I don’t think the creators intended to make a libertarian criticism of every social movement and apologia for capitalism and fascism. It’s just a sad reflection of what is and isn’t controversial in our current society. Divorced from actual morality or perspective.

What a waste.

This Post Brought To You By: Viewers Like You! (or: Check out this thing I made)

All that said, if you want a well-written and more adult take on the ATLA universe, check out the Kyoshi and Yangchen novels! F. C. Yee doesn’t pull any punches and perfectly balanced the darker, more visceral elements an adult story can have, with expert worldbuilding and humanized characters that feel believable even when they’re in fantastical situations.

Or if you want more ATLA instead, kindly check out @book4air: A project creating a pseudo Book 4 using both the official comics and original materials, fully dubbed, orchestrated, and partially animated by industry pros who happen to be fans!

Some comics are getting rewrites too, so whether you love the comics and want a fresh take, or hate the comics and want a change, we are doing our best to make this accessible for everyone including people with disabilities who may not be able to enjoy the originals.

Check out our first episode here!

If you can afford to, consider supporting us on Patreon! Every episode is expensive to produce and we are a bunch of broke artists. Some which don’t even have consistent or reliable housing. Any little bit helps.

If you can’t, no worries! You can still help by spreading the word so our videos can overcome the YouTube algorithm.

With all my love for this franchise and its fandom, I hope you all continue to enjoy your favs regardless of my criticisms.

[nellasbookplanet]

Okay I've talked about the tragedy of Laudna now let's talk about the tragedy of Imogen.

It’s been a while, but her moment in the Feywild truth exercise where she says "I think I’m tainted. I don’t know if I want to save gods that don’t love me" has really stuck in my mind. The thing is, I don’t think she’s specifically talking about the gods here, but rather summing up and projecting her entire experience as a ruidusborn. She isn’t thinking "Why aren’t I the gods' special little princess? Why haven’t they come to save me specifically?? You better love me or I'll let you die" (which we have seen does seem to be a common attitude in the Vanguard) This is her fear of being against her own will tainted by something evil. Her fear that, despite knowing how wrong it is, part of her longs for the power and belonging that comes with giving in to Predathos. It’s knowing that this thing is the antithesis of the gods, and that no matter what she does and how much she opposes it, it is still part of her. And because of that, the world doesn’t love her. Her mother left, her father can barely look at her, her own body will betray her with feelings and powers she doesn't understand, her community ostracized her, her allies view her with suspicion, the gods will not lend a hand in their own rescue when she asks despite Imogen putting herself and her loved ones in danger for their sake.

And Imogen is tired. Tired of being the bigger person, tired of resisting. Logically she knows the gods don’t hate her specifically but it ads up, and as the lure of Predathos does promise love and belonging part of her wants to give in because why should she risk so much to save a world that has never once tried to save her.

And that’s where she, as well as Laudna, get so interesting. They have deeply sympathetic reasons for their doubts and flaws, as well as for why they value each other so much higher than the entirety of Exandria (tl;dr because they have only ever gotten genuine understanding and unconditional love from each other). But that doesn’t mean it isn't flaws. It doesn’t mean Imogen, if she hadn’t met Laudna and the Hells first and realized the harm the Vanguard is causing and that their promises are ultimately lies, couldn’t have been drawn in by the Vanguard's ideas. It doesn’t mean they aren't wrong in blaming gods for bad things in their own lives, or in demanding special treatment. But it’s deeply understandable, which is the very reason they and people like them're such excellent targets for the Vanguard to convert. And once in the Vanguard, it doesn’t matter how tragic and sympathetic you are, you are still doing evil.

[jewish-vents]

Just left r/Jewish because everyone there decided to get pissy that non-Ashkenazi Jews have a word to describe the intracommunity problems we face. The Columbia definition is bullshit, it fetishises non-Ashkenazim and demonises Ashkenazim and twists the idea of ashkenormativity into some sort of racism thing rather than what it really is— the neglect and looking down of on non-Ashkenazi Jews and Judaism (especially in Israel where we’ve been fucked over for decades, I love my family’s country but it’s still terrible). Yeah, that’s fucking gross and I hate it too, probably more than these people. But I’m just so fucking tired of so many Ashkenazim acting like non-Ashkenazim have always had it so amazing and there’s never been any problems ever with us not being treated well

‘Stop trying to divide the community! We’re all Jews after all, right?’ Well if you motherfuckers actually saw us as equal Jews, and if you didn’t try to divide the community by neglecting and looking down on us, then we wouldn’t be trying to have this conversation

‘Well it’s just natural for this to happen in countries like America. Ashkenazim are obviously going to be centred when they’re the majority!’ Okay, so Jews are just under 0.2% of the world— this clearly means that we should be completely ignored, until we’re brought up for the sole purpose of being mocked. Oh wait, that already happens, and every Jew is fucking angry about it! But we shouldn’t be, because the non-Jews are just the majority, it’s natural for them to be centred. And ashkenormativity isn’t just about Ashkenazi stuff being centred— it’s Ashkenazi stuff being centred at the expense of non-Ashkenazim

‘Well I’ve never seen ashkenormativity before!’ YEAH WELL THAT’S BECAUSE YOU STICK YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR EARS AND SHOUT ‘BUT WE’RE ALL JUST JEWS’ EVERY TIME WE TRY TO BRING ATTENTION TO IT

At the very best we get our history completely ignored. At the worst they tell us it was actually amazing, and ‘no, Dhimmi status was good actually’. At the very best we get shut out whenever ‘Jewish culture’ is brought up. At the worst our customs, languages, and way of Judaism is completely mocked. At the very fucking best our existence gets completely ignored, and at the worst we’re told that we’re not actual fucking Jews

If you can acknowledge that the Samech Tet were incredibly discriminatory to Ashkenazim (well, they looked down on all Jewish groups, but were fucking AWFUL to Ashkenazim), then you should be able to acknowledge Ashkenormativity is a real thing. But no, all these people ever do is shut it out and pretend that we’re trying to cause trouble by bringing it up

I’m so tired. Everyone hates us already, I don’t have the energy for my own fucking people pulling this bullshit. All I want to do is sleep now honestly

I'm half Ashkenazi and half Mizrahi, and I see ashkenormativity all the time, from both sides of my family actually.

this is something I've seen time and time again in different communities, actually. a minority that is being oppressed as a sub-minority that's oppressed by both the majority and the second half of the minority, and asks for respect from their peers only to be told they're dividing the community by not pretending to be a unified wholesome family because the oppressors will use it as an excuse to call the entire minority evil.

the more privileged of the minority are scared that if the oppressors see any problems in their community, they'd point their finger and call them evil, so they want to pretend like they're perfect little angels and that nothing is wrong, and silences their own minority to not speak of their struggles living in the community. Columbia's definition of Ashkenormativity is treated as a "white supremacy but Jewish" and used to demonize ashkenazi jews as if the term is proof that all Jews are white oppressors and the poc Jews are suffering under their iron fist and never had any form of rights, when in reality, Ashkenazim are the privileged group the same way every country has a privileged group, and it's important to address and combat it.

we should always talk about problems inside our community, even if goyim will try to take it and twist it to justify their hate.

- 🐬

[casanovawrites]

FROM season 2 sentence starters (part 2)

we can’t have new people stealing what little food we have.

you fucking stabbed me!

they probably all think you’ve gone crazy.

you’re talking to a figment of your imagination. but hey, sometimes crazy is the most rational response you could have.

you tried. not every story gets a happy ending.

it’s real, and i’m fucking terrified.

you’re okay. you’re okay. look at me.

i’m not really good with blood.

i can feel them. even if i can’t see them, i can feel them.

you wanna play games? i’m right here. i’m ready.

i told my mom and dad i wasn’t scared. but i am.

i’m a little scared, too. but guess what? that’s a good thing.

fear is something that lives inside us, just like hope or joy or love. they’re all things that make us special. but fear might be the most important one of all because without fear, we wouldn’t know how to be brave. fear is what makes us heroes.

i should’ve listened to you. i should’ve trusted you.

you’re about to willingly bring something evil into your home.

i know you want all this to make sense, i know you want there to be a rational explanation. 

what’s the point of being friends if we can’t BE friends?

you’re shivering. here. 

it’s dead. how is it going to hurt us?

all i do here is put broken things back together. 

yeah, i’m scared. i’m fucking terrified. that’s why i need you in there with me. i can’t do this without you.

we’re in this together, remember? you and me.

i love you. and all i want is for you to be happy. but i can’t watch you do something that might get you killed.

what if this place is trying to torture me, mock me?

we have seen a lot of horrible, impossible shit here. we just assume anything impossible that happens here is bad.

you met the love of your life in the middle of your worst fucking nightmare.

a miracle is just the other side of a nightmare.

you’re not being punished. maybe this is just a scary place where fucked up shit happens, and there’s no explanation why.

when things change here, it’s usually bad.

this was our chance. it couldn’t have been for nothing.

this place, it’s like as soon as you start to think, ‘you know, maybe today i won’t go insane,’ something new comes along, and it’s like, ‘hey, wait ’til you see this!’

i’ve just accepted that i’m never going to be comfortable again.

i’m gonna be all right, you know? you don’t have to worry about me.

what if the answers are out there, we just didn’t go out far enough?

there’s no place for me here. no one even wants me here.

there’s a difference between going out there and running away from here.

is it just physically impossible for you not to be an asshole for 10 minutes?

what this place did to you, it isn’t fair.

people shouldn’t go looking for answers. they don’t come back.

bad things happen here no matter what.

i’m afraid to remember.

i got so used to being scared, it just felt normal.

are you honestly saying that our fucking dreams can hurt us now?

things here feel different now. they feel wrong.

this place feeds on our pain. but what if it does more than that? 

i’m not planning on dying here tonight.

i’m not going to lose another person to ‘probably.’

i’m not listening to this shit all fucking night, okay?

everything is a story, and we’re the ones who decide how it ends.

i know it’s painful for you, seeing me every day.

i know what i’ve done. i’ll never be able to take it back. i ruined people’s lives.

i didn’t ask for any of this. 

you think you’re the only one who lost something? i’ve lost everything. 

everything i was, and everything i could have been, is gone.

this place destroyed the only person i ever get to be, and i’m tired. i’m tired of being afraid, and i’m tired of being ashamed. 

i don’t want to be here anymore. i don’t want to be your monster anymore. i just want it to be over.

it’s like trying to imagine a jigsaw puzzle without all the pieces.

we can’t just sit here hoping for the best. 

i don’t need a fucking reminder of what’s at stake.

why do people ask if i’m okay, when the answer’s obvious?

let’s get married. today. we have no idea what’s going to happen.

if this is the end, then i want it to end with you.

how far are you willing to go to find answers?

you know what, motherfucker? i’m not here to pray. 

all i am is a dumb motherfucker who keeps getting people killed.

is this how it ends?

i actually allowed myself to believe that there was a plan to all of this. that there was something we were meant to do here. 

we’re all going to die here, and all of this would’ve been for nothing.

did i say give up? this might be the last few hours any of us get. 

life is a journey through the unknown. though your eyes and mind sometimes deceive you, your heart will never lie.

my heart’s belonged to you since the moment i met you. you’re the love of my life, for as long as that life may last.

there has been so many times here when i felt like i was stumbling in the dark. but each and every time, you were the light that guided me through.

you are my love. you are my home. you are my light in dark places. 

they’re all going to die screaming.

hope is what makes you willing to suffer. 

it’s not your fear that feeds the forest. it’s hope.

[flightfoot]

I know I’m in the minority of people who like Hermes in the original PJO series so I’m staying on anon here because of it. To be honest, I always saw him as morally gray.

My take on the ‘gods can’t change’ statement; isn’t him justifying his mistakes and saying that he’s unwilling to change. If that were true, he wouldn’t give Percy a list of his children and ask him to bring them to camp or even admit he was wrong about how he treated Annabeth and Luke at the end of TLO. I think he feels perpetually trapped. Forced to go through the motions and then dealing with such a difficult situation. That regardless of the actions that he takes; others are bound to get hurt. His family especially. He doesn’t want to risk that. He doesn’t want them harmed and he knows that he’s a bit of a coward for not being able to stand up to Zeus. I think the idea that gods can’t change is more like I am beginning to think that my family will never change. That despite all my best efforts and my own changing; it still won’t make much of a difference. He’s basically nihilistic in this situation and has given up hope. As the god tasked with keeping the peace without Hestia’s help; he may feel helpless. I think he loved Luke but at the time he believed that no one could go against the Fates. Not even him. That by protecting him, it would make his relationship with Luke worse or doom everyone involved to a worse fate. He lost his lover Krokos to a tragic fate. His mother too. Same with May and others. I doubt he wants them to suffer like that. To grieve again. It’s always better for him to be the bad guy to those hurt by Olympus than for people to blame his family or themselves.

tw. racism and mental health

I guess I was the one weird kid who kind of understood where the god was coming from. My home life wasn’t great and I was forced to be my family’s peacekeeper. I had to be what everyone wanted me to be otherwise I lost opportunities. I wouldn’t get a job, have friends etc.. I had to be a model minority being Asian American. I protested and fought. Had quiet rebellions, but no one ever listened. I needed someone to listen. Not necessarily agree but hear me. I see that with Hermes.

I can understand people disagreeing. I respect differences in opinions. I am just tired of seeing Hermes as only pure evil and irredeemable content. He’s an important god and I feel like I’m the only one who likes this character. I think maybe it’s best that I stop engaging with the RR fandom for a bit. I am just too invested in something that should just be fun and easygoing.

...most people don't like Hermes in the original PJO series? I did, quite a bit. Like, he wasn't perfect, but he really DID care about what was going on with Luke, and he seemed self-aware about how shitty the situation was for demigods. His attitude in TLO reminded me of Apollo's in the later TOA books (there's a reason I made him and Artemis allies in my Gods' Eye View series. Well, that and because he and Apollo are besties in mythology).

And yeah I mean, Hermes isn't the only immortal to espouse the view that they can't change, Apollo and Bob claimed the same thing (which was especially laughable in Bob's case). It seems pretty ingrained in immortal thinking, even with how clearly wrong it is.

I ascribe to your view of Hermes' thinking and attitude. He seems bitter and helpless at the end of TLO, honestly believing that things won't change, and just... he seems like he's given up. He cares, but he doesn't expect to be able to change anything.

And yeah, stepping back from the RR fandom may be good for a bit, in this case, since sadly in my experience, fandoms tend to continue happily vilifying characters. I haven't seen a lot of people being all that serious about it with Hermes, but I haven't really seen much Hermes content for PJO more generally, since I'm mostly in the Trials of Apollo sphere and he only gets a cameo there.

[imfromthemiddlekingdom]

I’d be the first to admit I can be very biased and stubborn when it comes to characters I relate to, just look at my unapologetic defense of Feanor and his sons, but I’ve never sent anyone death threats and rape threats over them not agreeing with me on my interpretations of a character. Like I don’t exactly like Indis but I’ve never went out of my way to send anon hate to people who love her. I despise Thingol but I can see where he comes from in regard to the Noldor and have never sent any anon hate to people who hate Feanor and his kin.

Most fandoms I’ve been in have had so called “teams” that people root for yet never in my many years in fandom spaces have I seen a fandom as toxic and unwilling to engage in polite discourse as the HoTD fandom. Even the Star Wars fandom with all its media illiteracy doesn’t have the level of hate present in the HoTD fandom.

I’ve made many “controversial” posts about many things in many fandoms yet I’ve never once received death and rape threats over it until I started posting about my opinions regarding HoTD. Even my most controversial Silmarillion posts didn’t warrant any anon hate yet my inbox has been filled to the brink with anon hate regarding my “wrong analysis” within this fandom. Idk if it’s because the demographic of people who are staunchly team black tend to be younger teens and adults who feel like any opinion that attacks their favorites is an attack on them or because the show writers are encouraging the black and white thinking of one side is good and the other side is evil, but it’s quite tiring engaging in this fandom when most people attack anyone who’s opinions don’t align with their own.

Now I’m not saying Team Black Stans are the only one engaging in such uncouth behaviors but the majority of people I’ve seen being bullied off this site have been people who are Team Green or just Alicent Stans.

When did the internet etiquette of don’t like don’t read/block and move on, stop being practiced? It isn’t hard to just scroll down when you see posts you disagree with or just block the account with opinions that you find infuriating. It’s better for everyone’s mental health and internet experience if people just blocked and moved on instead of sending 10 anons in an hour telling me to kill myself or how I should be raped because I happen to enjoy Aegon as a character.

These people aren’t real! Their fictional! I like Feanor because I like him and I find him interesting. It doesn’t mean I want to go out and start killing people to get back stolen property lmao. And just because I enjoy team green far more than team black doesn’t mean I’m going to one day decide that I should start assaulting people. 

And don’t get me started on the people who deliberately go onto correctly tagged posts to start a fight. Why do you want to argue so badly!!!! Join a debate team if you want to argue with people who also want to argue with you! There’s no need for you to scroll through a tag that is going to make you angry just to start a fight. I don’t go into the anti-Jedi tags and start scrolling. I don’t engage in media that upsets me if I can help it. My internet experience is curated to make me happy, and if I know the anti team green tag would make me angry, I don’t go scrolling through it to start arguments with people I’ve never met and will never meet and who’s opinions really don’t mean jack shit to me.

[bleep-blop-lizard-hop]

Warrior Thought

Warrior Season 3 Finale

(Sorry person who sent me an anon message, I accidentally deleted it 😭 but here ya go)

AH TOY AND NELLIE KILLING DICKLAND TOGETHER!!! THE WIVES ARE SO BACK!!!

They had to fit in A LOT this episode, but I’m glad Ah Toy and Nellie had two very solid scenes. I fantasized so much about them getting revenge together, and it actually happened! Sorry Leary but the wives deserve this more! Dickland talking shit and playing stupid mind games with them. His arrogance was his downfall. No asshole YOU should be afraid because Ah Toy is not playing around! She didn’t get a single scratch while slicing and dicing him like a pig! It was so bloody and brutal and violent, I love it! Nellie being backup with her shotgun like “you’re doing great sweetie!”

Then Bill and Leary had to show up at the wrong time! Though I don’t think Bill can recognize her from that distance. Then Nellie began shooting at them and they ran away. So hopefully they’ll be off the hook next season. Burning Dickland’s body in the incinerator was pure poetic Justice! 

Back at the brothel, the adrenaline of revenge is replaced by crushing despair. Dickland’s death didn’t bring back Lai and their girls. He’s not the only greedy and evil man out there. Ah Toy’s been in survival mode for so long, she’s TIRED of all this shit! She never let herself show emotion like this, not even with Ah Sahm. Seeing her completely break down with Nellie is a huge deal for their relationship! After everything that happened, they still love each other and became even stronger. Nellie holding Ah Toy close and saying “I’m not going anywhere” 😭🥺💕 So similar to how they ended last season. I predict that Ah Toy will leave the brothel, and they’ll rebuild somewhere next season. 

Mai Ling confronting Eliza was so good! After the trauma she endured, Mai Ling can’t help relating to Eliza. What Eliza did was wrong, but her shitty husband is the real problem. Mai Ling giving Eliza a knife…I hope she use it well.

So here for Catherine Archer scamming Buckley for all his money! Rob his slimy racist ass, lady! 

The Tongs, Isaac’s crew, and police fighting over the money plates. The ice factory is a homage to Bruce Lee, according to the Internet. Nice. The finale definitely isn’t short on action, I counted 4 in this episode! Isaac almost took the plates but Ah Sahm handled him, and gave them to Lee. That means Yan Mi can be free.

Tbh I’m quite concerned with how they portrayed the black characters this season. Abigail is good, but most of them were antagonistic. I’m aware of how Asians are deemed “the model minority” and often pitted against African Americans. I just wish the show could’ve subverted that somehow. 

Back to Yan Mi, she’s released from jail and runs home to her father. It’s a very poignant scene that can resonate with children of immigrant parents. She respects him, but felt stifled by his expectations. Still, she did mess up by getting involved with a gang. I would’ve preferred Ah Sahm to not have romance this season, but it served it a purpose. I like Yan Mi as a character. Too bad she gets so much flack for getting between YJ and Ah Sahm. 

After getting disowned, she goes to the train station. Ah Sahm never made it, but Chao does. He convince her to go without him anyway, and she does but it’s hard. She got the money from Chao, but she’s also alone as a Chinese woman. We’ve seen other characters try to get out and it didn’t go well. Still, glad they didn’t kill her and hopefully she’ll be ok. Just a small town girl…living in a lonely world…she took the midnight train going anywhere…

After Kon Pak, Lai, and Father Jun…I draw the line at Chao getting stabbed multiple times! ZING is back and he wants revenge against everyone! Bill and Lee looked so happy, laughing on the porch 😬 They better not kill Chao if they get season 4! So many Asian characters died this season, they better replenish! Hello, Michelle Yeoh??? 🙏🏻 Don’t let the white characters outnumber them! 

Finally… the dreaded moment where Ah Sahm has to choose between his sister and the Hop Wei. I figured he would choose Mai Ling. His relationship with Young Jun has been going downhill this season. It’s hard to watch because I understand both of their perspectives. Ah Sahm vs YJ and Hong was equally epic and heartbreaking. None of them took pleasure in that fight, but it was necessary. Ah Sahm knocked both of them out before going to find Mai Ling. 

Meanwhile, Mai Ling is defending herself against the Hop Wei. She makes some progress with her gun, but gets overpowered by them. It looked like she might die by drowning, but I didn’t buy it. Ah Sahm and Mai Ling are reunited as they desperately cling to each other. No more Hop Wei and Long Zhii. Li Yong became the leader of his own tong, good for him! Exploring these new dynamics in season 4 will be very interesting. I’ve always understood Mai Ling while not agreeing with all her manipulative schemes. Hitting rock bottom could lead to some sort of redemption for her. Looking forward to it! 

Big political changes will definitely endanger Chinatown next season. The Chinese Exclusion Act was passed in 1882, but it might be sooner in the show. Not good when everyone is still divided and fighting each other. Perhaps Ah Sahm, the embodiment of Bruce Lee, will unite them all in the end. 

Season 3 had its flaws, but overall it was amazing! I really hope it doesn’t end here, the story and characters have so much potential! Fucking Hollywood studios refusing to pay people fairly 😡😡😡 I saw on Twitter some of the Warrior cast joining the protest too, it’s great! Season 4 of Warrior or we riot!!!

[moonstone27ls]

Unicorn Warriors Eternal ep 9

Not giving spoiler warnings either. I’ve had a rough week too tired.

Sooo... a LOT has happened.

So physically Seng hasn’t aged (as far as I can tell) mentally or spiritually he has because of the cosmic plane or whatever.  Still part of me is convinced Morgan is in the “evil” because it goes after Melinda a LOT. 

While a part of me is okay that Edred put his feelings aside for the bigger picture. I’m gonna be honest not still sold on Winston being part of the team.

Again its not earned. Its just there for plot convenience if you read my views from ep 8. Whatever the reasons (writing/time crunch, etc), Winston in my opinion hasn’t earned it.

I thought we’d get an interesting ep where he’d have some ACTUAL character development. Have to fight being a monster. But the factor that he’s literally vocal under a short amount of time, just makes me think. “Dude you feigned that whole “Oh I’m a monster” just to get into Emma’s pants”. Before shippers or lovers bash me for even criticizing precious Winston. I’ll make it clear. I don’t hate the guy.

Separately on their own I’m actually okay with Emma/Winston. Whats bothering me is that this ridiculous love triangle is still going on. So with no real development other than to give drama, Winston just still annoying to me. Still acting like this is an outing (closest to him being serious was when he saw Melinda fight), I mean I’ll be honest his pompous attitude rubs me wrong. He’s like “Oh I’m a whiz at chess.” and “Oh I know ALL about science fantasy from my books”. I dunno its either the tone or again I REALLY hate love triangles. So for this to drag on makes it tiresome.

Ironically I feel little feeling for Winston. I’m more sorry for Edred. He’s literally given up his home/identity/ life/ and he’s finally transitioning into the factor that Emma is sharing duality with Melinda. And more importantly, the woman he sacrificed it all for... either doesn’t remember him or isn’t there.

And I’ll also say again I don’t believe Melinda has feelings for Winston. I’ve seen enough of her character. She’s literally the stereotypical tough character(I wanna say like Raven but that feels too simple). I feel like if she was in there she’d be annoyed with Winston just as she was with Emma.

And I’ll admit the duality shared here is... confusing. Its not Melinda, but its not fully Emma either. Its like watching Aang had to share his body with the previous avatars and they were all tug of waring for control.

I do give Winston points for trying to be accepting? I say trying cause again to me he still feels out of place. And the guy will only apparently be useful every full moon... sooo heh. 

But I also think this is hard for me because Tartakovsky kinda .... I don’t wanna say fails but he’s kinda... meh on romances. If this series continues I REALLY for the love of all good want the love drama dropped. 

That being said... still wonder whats the endgame in regards to Edred? I know  Tartakovsky said Melinda’s his favorite and that this story is focusing on her. Which I don’t mind, I just kinda don’t want to see Edred fallen to the waysides.

I wanna think that Edred’s love for Melinda(and vice versa) is genuine because he keeps showing us all these flashbacks with them. I feel like that’s there to solidify their relationship. And the final shot is with HIM seeing Melinda (not counting Emma cause she’s more the vessel. I know he’s not really in love with Emma) get separated. 

Now onto Melinda/Emma. I do like their story arcs. This story is shaping Melinda more out. On the exterior yes she seems the tough/warrior like sorceress. But her flashbacks from her childhood and with Edred. Show her vulnerability and the trauma thats affected her from losing her mother.

Their...duality or amalgamation is confusing me a bit. But I constantly remind myself that this is part of Tartakovsky ‘s plan and that its a metaphor for growing up.

And Emma herself I am happy with. She’s matured a lot from this experience as from the beginning. She fought this. But now she sees the bigger picture. Its bigger than her or Winston. She’s needed to help Melinda and the others fight.

Anything else.... kinda feel those incarnation descendants are probably going to be the ones to help her get to the others. Cause I don’t see any other way how she would8B. Sooo good luck next fight.

[kexing]

Triage eps 4-5 notes:

Everything with Professor Sakda and his evil gopher minion makes my blood boil. You are doctors it is your sworn duty to take care of people, your patients rely on you and put their lives in your hands, they are completely at your mercy and to take advantage of that in such a way is horrifying.

Little evil gopher is also really bad at killing a comatose guy. Oh wow, I just cannot believe that Varit had his life saved with MEDICINE given to him by a DOCTOR in this HOSPITAL whose job it is to KEEP HIM ALIVE. Who could have possibly seen this outcome coming.

Can’t believe Tin’s finding time to investigate a medical conspiracy on top of everything else.

Art is a bit silly and intense but no one can say that he isn’t a solid dude. He’s halfway to buzzed and he gets a random phone call from the doctor he only met yesterday, and when he gets asked to make sure Tol doesn’t get drunk he’s just like “I’m on it!” and preforms remarkably well.

Oh nooooooo, Tin’s so much more sad and affected by Tol’s death now on top of feeling responsible for Art being involved. Jinta believes in you, Tin! You WILL get it right!

All of Tin’s friends are so concerned about him not taking care of himself and trying to get him to sleep without knowing he’s doing an endurance challenge assigned to him by the universe.

Some people get nauseous or start seeing spiders when sleep deprived, Tin falls out of the timeline and sees the spirit of his dead not-boyfriend.

Ascended!Tol: Please take care of my heart

Tin, falling in love: Wow, that's so romantic to say 🥰

Ascended!Tol: No, Doctor there is literally something medically wrong with my heart and we really should check on that next loop

-

Tin’s timeloop schedule is so fully booked up it’s tiring me out. Would love it if he could take a cycle just to nap and play with Zebra.

Gah, Tin and Varit's scene made me tear up, just taking the moment to sit together and talk so gently to calm Varit down and listening and being there for him. I love Tin so much 💜 (but oh boy not Tin going "I can fix him" about Tol's delinquent behavior 🤣)

This loop’s Tol is just getting fully hit with very capable and pretty doctor swooping in out of nowhere to save his and his friends lives in the most caring and reassuring way, and he is very visibly affected by it.

Every episode it gets funnier just how badly Sing is handling his feelings for Gap. Gap at least is only outwardly denying it and seems to have largely accepted his unfortunate crush. Sing on the other hand both cannot talk to him normally nor can he tolerate Gap talking with anyone else. Toi could barely stay in the room with such a trainwreck.

Okay but what about Seunam? This shopping date is very cute but you can’t just show the little kitty getting brutalized in the previous loop and then ignore it in this one without giving me a reason it didn’t happen again!

Evil Gopher back at it again with making me hate his guts extorting and blackmailing Mai with her mother’s treatment. And yeesh, Mai’s dealing with a lot.

Hey, it’s the magic love clock tower! Was wondering when this beauty would show up.

yeah 😭😭😭 this show has some Real dark turns and unfortunately we can’t say things like that don’t happen in real life because they do 😭😭😭

right? WILD lmao

TIN IS A SUPERHERO!!!!!

art is a good friend!!!!

oh love, get ready for tol’s death affecting tin because it happens a lot 😭😭😭😭 but yeah, jinta believes in him and so do we!!!

TIN HAS THE BEST OF FRIENDS!!! and maybe that’s where his superpowers come from aldkskkdsk

ohhhhh keep that scene of tol appearing to tin in ep 4 on your mind!!! *wink wink*

LMAOOOO yeah, ghost tol was Very serious but tin is already falling aldkskkdskkdks

nobody can convince me that tin didn’t hit the fuck it in certain loops and just went hang out with his cat and watch some movies akdjskdk IT’S TOO STRESSFUL

tin is such a good guy. he can fix tol, trust me 🤣🤣🤣

tol’s not god’s strongest soldier as he believes to be. pretty doctors WILL affect him 🤣🤣🤣

SINGGAP MY BELOVEDS ALDKAKDKSKDK sing is incredibly funny like. bestie tries to hide how whipped he is but WE SEE YOU

lmaooo true but don’t worry. the kitten will be okay!!!!

yeah 😭😭😭😭 poor mai!!! girl goes through so much!!

THE MAGIC LOVE CLOCK TOWER aldkskdkskdk yes, it is very important and very precious to us ❤️💙

happy watching!!! 🥰🥰🥰

[fierceawakening]

I’ve never seen anyone say trans women don’t have it that bad. Which doesn’t mean no one said it, of course. But I’ve not seen it. Can you give a few receipts?

What I have seen has been people saying that the history of baeddelism here on tumblr hasn’t gone away, and that the way those people gained and kept power was by relentlessly belittling and demeaning trans men and attacking anyone who questioned this as someone who didn’t understand that women are more oppressed than men. (That’s how I remember the whole thing when it went down, personally. I lost a very close trans woman friend when all that was going down, because she wouldn’t stop posting things making fun of trans men.)

What I have also seen is trans men of color saying that a lot of the trans women saying transmisogyny is an issue and transmisandry is a fiction are white, and that white trans women are missing that the stereotype of men of color as aggressive and violent is part of this discussion. That transmisandry was coined as a term by a trans man of color, who was immediately attacked as sexually predatory and smeared, and any other trans men of color who have agreed have ALSO been smeared as aggressive and violent.

The trans men and their allies who I follow aren’t saying transmisogyny isn’t real, or is less serious than transmisandry. They’re saying that trans women and their allies who are insisting that trans men don’t get to coin terms because they’re not oppressed enough are engaging in lateral aggression against other trans people, and there’s no material benefit to doing that.

Is transmisogyny worse? I mean, maybe. I can see how the argument could be made that a white trans woman facing transmisogyny is likely to have it generally worse than a white trans man facing the thing I’m okay with calling transmisandry and you’d rather not.

But do I know for sure that that same white trans woman has it worse than the black trans man she’s insisting must be wrong about his own experiences? Or the trans Latino man she helped stir up a hate mob against that would not die for a very long time?

That I don’t know.

Which is why I think this is mean and silly, and that people are turning it into “you hate trans women” when what’s being said is just “look, you spent years on this site saying over and over without anyone daring to stand up to you that trans women are virtuous because they’re women and trans men are evil because they’re men, and people finally started to tell you off for it. You don’t get to just kick people forever.”

I remember baeddelism. I was frantically private messaging a friend begging her to stop being cruel when I’d never seen her talk like my own dysphoria was funny until talking that way somehow became a fad. I lost a friend I deeply respected, and it still saddens me she made the choice to belittle and mock other trans people for popular girl status.

I don’t think I should have to talk like that wasn’t hurtful for the transfem friends I still have and love to know I don’t intend to betray them.

If they think I am or would, I hope they’ll actually dm me, because I don’t think angry vent posts are enough to address this, and I hope we can actually talk, and I think “the most oppressed one is the most correct one” isn’t actually talking, even when it’s obviously true.

And now I’m done, because this is personal, and I’m sure someone is going to use it being personal to explain why I can’t possibly be right, and I’m too tired for that right now.

"your transness doesn't intersect with your manness"

actually my transness IS my manness. they're the exact same facet of my identity. they don't just intersect, they are mutually inclusive parts of each other. one does not exist without the other

[qiqi-media]

Top 3 reasons people hate Audrey that I think are false

I've been wanting to post this for awhile but I've been just not really into being on tumblr all too much. But I was on tiktok and sometimes come across posts defending Audrey and the comments that rebuttal them have so much misinformation in them and it annoys me because it's usually being spoken as fact and if you just think you'll see why it's wrong.

1.) Audrey bullied the VKs

Audrey is not a nice person I'll get that right of the bat now. She's a royal princess she's had etiquette training and that's really the whole problem, she knows what it is and doesn't care to use it on people she doesn't want to. Name actually scenes or scenarios where she full blown bullied or harassed the VKs, I can't name one. Her whole suspicion/ not wanting to be friends with the Vks is why she's labeled as a bully. She's barely even spoken to them when you really get down to it. She let Evie know factual information, she had no royal status in Auradon, she didn't know Evie so it's not like she knew how significant royal status was to her but it was true. The Evil queen was seen as a criminal not a queen in Auradon so why would Evie be seen as princess? The problem comes with the etiquette problem I talked about Audrey knew this probably would've made things awkward or embarrassed Evie she just didn't care, but she didn't Bully her. I can't recall a scene where she has spoken to directly or talked ill about carlos or Jay. She didn't even have a problem with Mal, she had a problem with her mom, and never said anything to Mal about it she would talk to it privately to Ben. She didn't try to stop anyone from being friends with them or alienate them. She again, just talking to Ben, her boyfriend said she he should probably have some common sense and not blindly trust the vks. Even on Family day what Jane said was worse than what she said, all she said was that Ben was going through a bad girl phase Jane made sure to get in Mal's ear with what she said. In D3 her problem was with everybody so she never singled them out to bully them.

2.) She was a mean girl

To me personally there isn’t too much of a difference between a mean girl and a bully which is why even though she isn’t nice I wouldn’t say she a mean girl. She didn’t run Auradon by fear or brute force, and had people scared of her. The person I would say she was mean to was Jane and that’s just because she giggled when she got her hair unspelled. If we’re going according to the other resources besides the movies because we really don’t see much, Audrey was pretty well liked and popular and tried to behave like a ‘princess’ as much as she could.  She’s snarky and prissy I’d say that before I’d called her a full blown mean girl, when I think Mean girl I think Isle Mal, Courtney shane from jawbreakers etc actual evilness. She just needs to learn how to watch her mouth, because at least in D1 she hadn’t actual done anything to anybody. Like hey audrey, even if they ask your opinion it’s kind of an spoken rule to not tell your friend that the dress in fact makes their feet look big. Little out of touch shit like that I could see Audrey doing but then turning around and opening up her closet to them or taking them shopping if they can’t find something in her room because she wasn’t trying to be mean she was trying to be honest, they asked she told the truth and tried to help. 

3.) Audrey never loved Ben she just wanted the crown.

FALSE!!! I'm so tired of seeing this narrative it’s the same false narrative as them being in an arranged marriage. These things were never stated as canon people just assumed because it’s easier to hate her that way and justify having them broken up. For starters they had a very high school like relationship according to her diary and canon. She wasn’t dreaming of taking over Auradon and ruling over people. She liked reading notes Ben left on her locker, walking with him through the halls to class, wearing his jersey before games and cheering for him. She liked talking to him and having lunch, she knew his biggest fear and insecurity so they definitely had meaningful conversations. According to her diary since when the first got together in high school she was excited because she really liked Ben and had been crushing on him when HE asked her to be his girlfriend. When her grandma found her she said she was clever for putting herself in first place for the throne and Audrey said it wasn’t like that, she wanted to take things slow and fall in love and then like every teenager who fantasizes about marrying their crush she said they’d rule together. She wasn’t thinking “let me lock him down as soon as possible” Most people date for marriage so if you’re dating a king who you plan on marrying on some point why wouldnt you be assumed queen. Audrey loved Ben but as a princess who was dating a King yeah she knew she’d probably be the queen JUST LIKE MAL DID. Mal immediately went into becoming a lady of the court when her and Ben became official. The only canon girls who were directly after the crown and so used Ben were Mal and Uma who both had their own motives respectable or not. Audrey was a teenage princess dating her teenage prince crush and because she knew that this would end up with her being a queen all of a sudden she never cared about Ben and just wanted the crown. She had pictures of this boy all over her room and took him on special dates just the two of them because she cared they were all more easier and quicker ways to get married to him if that was all she wanted. 

Unless I said something was canon these are all of course just my opinion and you’re free to feel differently as that is your right, especially the first two because they have grey area because in the movies she wasn’t this super kind nice willing to say sweet words girl but when you really look into it was she the worst person ever who bullied people no.

[sparklysung]

✨SWALLOW YOUR WORDS – l.d.h.✨

© sparklysung – 2021. all rights reserved. no reposts, modifications and/or translations allowed.

pairing – lee donghyuck x female!reader

genre – smut | non-idol!au, enemies to lovers!au

warnings – switch!donghyuck, switch!reader, lap dance, cumming in pants, grinding, dry humping, cum eating, hair pulling (giving and receiving), spanking, mirror sex, protected sex (reader’s on the pill), degradation, dirty talk, bondage (belt), possessiveness (i guess?)

word count – 6.043 words

summary – it only took a couple of words to make the blood boil in your veins and being the competitive individual you are, you had to prove lee donghyuck, your all-time enemy, wrong.

note – not my best, probably could've done better, but oh well. also this was frkng hard to write, damn, and i may have changed things a bit? BUT, i think it's better like this so… hope you enjoy! btw, i got the idea while reading this, so go check it out –it's good–.

taglist – @prvncejxon, @iwishihadabettername

another friday night wasting your time at some random classmate’s party. you were everything but happy to be there. you didn’t even want to go there in the first place, only finding yourself sitting on the kitchen counter, drink in hand and an ugly scowl adorning your face, because of your annoying best friend.

“hey, i get it, you didn’t wanna come here when you could have been peacefully sleeping in the comfort of your room, but come on, at least try to have some fun. you’re already here anyway.” eunbin –aka your annoying best friend– said, pouting her lips in a failed attempt of looking cute.

you kind of felt bad for her, you suppose it wasn’t exactly easy to deal with your lazy ass. but still, she was supposed to love you and appreciate you just the way you were.

and most of the time she did, just not in this specific situation.

“this isn’t fun at all, i just wanna go home. there’s nothing in here for me at all.”

you brought the red plastic cup to your lips, taking a sip of the bitter liquid eunbin had mixed for you. you weren’t lying, there really wasn’t anything that would make you want to stay, only a few friends of yours getting drunk somewhere in the big house you were currently in.

“come on, please, stay for me,” eunbin fake cried, and for a moment you thought she was going to give up and let you go. “in a bit the guys are gonna play something fun! we should join them, please?” as her last resort, she looked at you with puppy eyes. she was playing dirty and she knew it, you both knew you couldn’t resist them.

giving in with an exasperated sigh, you jumped off the counter to get yourself another drink from the bar in the living room. you were minding your own business until you heard him, the last person you wanted to see at the moment.

“so, i’m telling you guys, she was literally begging me to fuck her, she even moaned while sucking me off–,” donghyuck’s obnoxious voice filled your ears, making you roll your eyes. he was surrounded by a couple of other guys you didn’t know so well but were sure you had seen them before around campus hanging out with him.

“shut up already, dongdong, no one wants to hear it.” you interrupted, walking past him and towards the half empty bottle of vodka on the bar counter.

the group of boys stopped abruptly, all of them turning to look at you, ready for the scene that was going to take place in matter of minutes. donghyuck’s attention also turned to you, biting back a triumphant smirk with a raised eyebrow. he could see past you so he didn’t mind the mocking nickname you used; he could tell you were trying to irritate him enough to make him go away. but he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. he had been eyeing you all night, trying to find ways to get under your skin to catch your attention. and finally, after staying at a safe distance for a while to not spark suspicions, he got what he wanted.

“why so feisty, babe.” the cocky smirk he gave you just made your blood boil, the growing desire to punch it off his pretty face only getting stronger the more you stared at him.

“don’t you get tired of talking shit all day?” you barked, eyes trained on his body while pouring yourself a good amount of alcohol.

you were certainly going to need a lot of liquid courage to get through the night.

“you boast about girls begging for you but i think you’re just trying to hide the fact that you’re the one who has to beg to get laid.”

“i don’t beg, baby.” you rolled your eyes and muttered a ‘sure’. “also, if you’re jealous of me fucking other girls you just had to say it. i wouldn’t be against giving it to you instead.” the stupid wink he threw at you made your body shake in anger, already fed up with the conversation.

“you wish, asshole.”

“actually, i do.”

donghyuck was so fucking annoying, always teasing you and never leaving you alone. your personalities clashed constantly resulting in fights filled with screams and curses, sometimes to the extent of interrupting the class and getting the two of you kicked out of it. he enjoyed watching you struggle and suffer due to his awful pranks, so you were his favorite target. you couldn’t even have a proper date with anyone because he made sure to mess it up either by scaring the crap out of the guy or sabotaging your plans. he almost completely ruined your love life and cockblocked you forever.

you did not get along and everyone knew it.

although eunbin thought it was pure sexual tension and you just needed to get your frustrations off of you with a good fuck.

it wasn’t though.

or was it?

“let’s go hang out with the guys,” your best friend nudged your arm excitedly and you sighed, not feeling like playing anything with them. every time you decided to give in and take part in ‘something fun’ with the guys, it always ended up with you either in trouble or scarred for life.

you had a bad feeling about this all.

“ugh, fine.” she cheered and pulled you through the crowd of drunk people until you reached the basement.

the sound of laughter and screams drowned the music blasting upstairs, there were empty bottles of alcohol sprawled all over the floor and tables and a circle of people in the middle of the room. both of you joined the group with you sitting between eunbin and mark, a close friend of yours that you sadly shared with donghyuck. while you casually chatted and played around with the boy, happily laughing the night away, you could feel a pair of eyes burn holes into your skull. you didn’t have to look up to know who those eyes belonged to, as said person wasn’t even trying to dissimulate.

and by said person you meant donghyuck.

donghyuck hated the way you leaned on mark’s body, how you let his friend rest his head on top of yours and wrap his arm around your waist.

he was jealous, really jealous of your close friendship with the older boy.

mark and you had been friends for a long time now and you could even consider him your best friend, so you were comfortable around each other. you usually hugged, held hands and cuddled, he was used to you wearing his clothes –half of your closet were stolen hoodies that once belonged to him–, he even had a spare change of clothes in his room just in case you decided to drop by for an improvised sleepover. so it wasn’t surprising when sometimes when the two of you hung out on your own, people –even your friends in common– mistook you as a couple.

and the idea of you two dating made donghyuck feel sick to the stomach.

“we’re playing truth or dare, who wants to start?” seoyeon, one of your friends, spoke while looking around for someone to volunteer.

“i’ll go.” lucas raised his hand and everyone nodded, not minding.

the game went smoothly for a while and eventually, the more alcohol everybody drank, the crazier things got. mark ended up getting dared to lick whipped cream off of yuta’s chest and xiaojun had to cross-dress and dance on a table. everything was fine, you hadn’t been picked by anyone yet so you were pretty much having fun just enjoying the show.

until someone called your name.

“y/n, truth or dare?” jaehyun asked with a smirk.

he had an evil glint on his eyes making you feel suspicious. you knew you couldn’t choose truth or else everyone would make fun of you for being a pussy. and jaehyun just knew you well enough to know you weren’t going to let that happen.

you weren’t one to back down.

still, the way he stared at you made an uneasy feeling settle in your stomach.

what could he possibly have in mind?

“dare.”

seems like your gut feeling was right after all.

“give hyuck a lap dance,” jaehyun said immediately after the words left you mouth, making everyone in the room shake, some in excitement and some –you– in anger. donghyuck wasn’t expecting to take part in the dare, but he really wasn’t complaining either. “thank me later babe,” his shit-eating grin only adding fuel to the fire.

fuck.

just as eunbin, donghyuck could sense the sexual tension. and unlike you, he acknowledged it.

but for him it wasn’t just that.

you two had known each other –or at least acknowledged each other's existence– for a few years now, since high school. he was forced to see you almost every day at school, so, naturally, fondness for you started growing slowly in his chest. but it wasn’t until you both left for college that your ‘enemies’ label was established.

and if someone thought he may possibly like you, they were damn right.

he did.

it all started during freshman year, when he tried to befriend you during one of the classes you shared. you seemed irritated by his advances and wanted him away from you, so after a few attempts of softening your heart, he resolved that the only way to stay close to you was annoying the hell out of you.

childish? yeah. he cared? not really.

“come here, babe.” donghyuck tongued the inside of his cheek, a smirk forming on his lips. as he saw the grim look on your face, he sprawled his legs, patting his toned thigh invitingly, eager to get things started.

the look jaehyun gave you had ‘you’re not backing down, are you?’ written all over.

“shit, i hate jaehyun, why did he have to do me dirty like that?” you mumbled angrily to eunbin and she just laughed, finding the situation way funnier than you.

“maybe tonight won’t be as boring as you thought? maybe you’ll end up getting laid.” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and you only scoffed, “shut up, dumbass.”

“why did you have to do me like that, huh?!” you almost screamed at the older, taking a mental note to beat him up later. he just shrugged and threw you a wink, “asshole.”

mark patted your back to help you relax, he could see you weren’t exactly happy about your dare.

“come on, which song would you like, my lady?” lucas asked, scrolling through his spotify for suiting songs.

“or nah!” yangyang answered before you could even open your mouth. just as you were about to ask for a less sexual song, cheering erupted through the room.

everyone was pumped, adrenaline running through their veins and pushing them to do stupid stuff they would probably regret the next day after waking up hungover. and things just took a rather interesting turn, so they obviously were excitedly awaiting the next series of events.

yay, more stupid memories to regret later.

on the other hand, donghyuck was as doomed as you. he knew the song well, he knew the lyrics by heart but what he didn’t know was if he could control himself with you basically dry humping him in front of a bunch of people to the rhythm of it.

he wasn’t sure it was a great idea.

as soon as you got up to complete the dare, you heard cheering and clapping. and you weren’t going to lie, you wanted to throw yourself out of a window.

breathing deeply in an attempt of relaxing to just get it over with, you made your way towards donghyuck until you were standing a few feet in front of him.

as the music started playing, you started moving. running your finger on the surface of his clothed shoulder, you walked slowly around him, like a predator circling its prey. he tried not to follow your movements, already getting anxious by your closeness and nervously waiting for your next move.

i’ma smoke this joint then i’ma break you off.

i’d be lying if i said you ain’t the one.

you pushed his legs open and settled between them. your hands rubbed his thighs teasingly, fingers drawing closer to his crotch but not quite getting there. you took your sweet time feeling him up, softly scratching his strong arms and leaving red trails behind. donghyuck was so into it, enjoying the sight of you kneeling before him so much that his pants were already starting to feel tight.

heard you not the type that you take home to mom.

is we fuckin’ when we leave the club or nah?

i ain’t spendin’ cash for nothin’ i wanna see you take it off.

and oh how he wanted to see you take it off. all night he couldn’t take his eyes off of your figure, you looked really good in the outfit eunbin had chosen for you.

so good it was almost making him drool.

you sat on his lap, hands going to caress his toned chest and stomach. it was well-known that donghyuck exercised frequently, but it still surprised you. he felt so good you had to bite your lip to prevent a sound from coming out.

when you shifted to sit closer to him, his hands flew to your hips and you could tell his intention was to move them lower to grope your ass, but you weren’t having it.

do you like the way i flick my tongue or nah?

you can ride my face until you’re drippin’ cum.

“if you try to touch me again, i’ll tie you up,” you said with a sweet smile plastered on your face, grabbing him by the wrists and harshly dropping them away from you. donghyuck let out a startled gasp at that, obviously not expecting your attitude. with his hands twitching to grasp anything, he went to grip tightly the sides of the chair.

can you lick the tip then throat the dick or nah?

can you let me stretch that pussy out or nah?

your hips ground against his crotch at such a slow pace that donghyuck was having trouble not pushing you down on him faster. he was getting embarrassingly hornier as seconds passed and wanted nothing more than to fuck you right then and there, even with his friends’ eyes on you both.

donghyuck tried so hard to restrain himself from touching you. he wasn’t one to follow orders, but he tried just for you, he really did.

i’m not the type to call you back tomorrow.

but the way you wrappin’ ‘round me is a prob.

and everything was fine until you kissed him. synchronized gasps filled the room, the sudden show of affection confusing everybody. not even your intoxicated self could understand what the hell were you doing nor who you were doing it with. his breath got stuck in his throat, heart thumping against his chest at an alarming rate. his hands almost tried to bring you closer, but he realized what he was doing on time to stop himself.

he finally broke down when your mouth sucked on his tongue, making his hips grind up against yours unconsciously as his hands grabbed you by your waist, pressing your body flush against his.

that was it.

“you asked for it,” your movements came to a stop as you took off your black leather belt, sticking to your threat of tying him up if he didn’t quit it.

pussy so good, i had to save that shit for later.

took her to the kitchen, fucked her right there on the table.

“oh shit,” donghyuck stirred under you trying to get out of the situation.

this couldn’t be happening.

“no, please,” he whimpered as you fastened the belt until it was wrapped tightly around his wrists, locking his arms behind his back. your audience was unable to hold in their surprise, some mouths falling open. he fought against the restraints to no avail, desperate to free himself, “please, let me go,” he cried out quietly, not wanting the other occupants in the room to hear him.

“stop complaining or else i’ll also gag you,” you spat harshly in his ear, done with his attitude, and he swallowed hard. as you nibbled on his lobe, you felt a strong sense of confidence. it made your chest swell in pride to see the usual big mouth jerk with a smug grin constantly attached to his face falling apart under your touch.

seems like he was the one to beg, after all.

you moved your hips to the rhythm of the music, making sure to press harder against the sensitive tip of his cock, which was already leaking precum. although you weren’t an expert, you’d given a fair share of lap dances, so you knew what you were doing.

and donghyuck could certainly tell.

don’t play with a boss, girl take it off.

take it for a real one.

you gon’ get it all.

“whose bitch are you now, huh?” donghyuck couldn’t speak properly, way too hot and bothered for his brain to come up with any smart-ass response.

you tsked disapprovingly at his lack of response.

“when i ask you a question, you answer.” your fingers tangled in his hair and with a harsh tug you forced him to look up. donghyuck was dazed, lips swollen from you biting on them, eyes glassy from arousal, and mind clouded with lust.

“yours.” he whimpered quietly, forgetting momentarily about your audience.

“good boy.”

you loved how easy it was for you to break him and leave him wanting more, to have him so putty in your hands. specially since hearing comments of other female classmates about donghyuck teasing them almost till the brim of tears was part of your day-to-day life. it felt like you were getting revenge for all of them, so you were enjoying it a lot more than anyone could imagine.

your plump lips trailed down the length of his neck, leaving wet kisses along his honey-like skin, and he threw his head back to give you more access. as you licked, sucked and bit the flesh, donghyuck could hear his heartbeat loud over the music. he usually wouldn’t let a girl suck hickeys on his skin, but the idea of you marking him while everyone watched was rather exciting.

he swore the seconds passed slower than usual. you were just halfway through the song but he didn’t know if he could survive any longer.

donghyuck felt light-headed and painfully aroused, and he wasn’t going to last long if you kept kissing him and moving your hips the way you were.

“i’ma go as far as you let me,” your movements became slower to tease him, making the poor boy want to cry in agony. his jeans felt way too tight to be comfortable and he hoped everyone could just leave you two alone to take it off.

“shit, please,” donghyuck’s eyes closed, head falling forward and hanging low as drops of sweat slid down his forehead. the room felt like an oven and he didn’t know if it was a result of the significant amount of people in such a small space, the alcohol, his choice of clothing or your body pressed closely against his.

probably the latter.

girl, is you sucking me or fucking me or nah?

can i bring another bitch? let’s have a threesome.

“keep saying you’re a freak, you gon’ prove it or nah?” you quietly sang along, pulling his face closer by his hair and grinding down on him harder.

donghyuck was going crazy, he had never expected you to be so sexy, to behave so dirtily. but he loved it, and by the prominent tent in his pants, everybody could tell he was in for the ride of his life.

you’s a ride-or-die chick, you with this shit or nah?

say you not a side bitch, you all-in or nah?

you gon’ make them eggs cheesy with them grits or nah?

you brought him in for a hot kiss that left his head spinning.

donghyuck was growing restless as his climax neared, he was so close he could almost taste it. he couldn’t remember when the last time he got so close to cumming only from some teasing was.

everything was happening so quickly he wasn’t able to stop himself before giving in to the pleasure.

“h-holy fuck,” with a shaky moan that you swallowed, donghyuck shot his load, staining the crotch of his dark jeans. you could feel the wetness seeping through the piece of clothing and dampening your bottoms. his hips gave a few more sloppy thrusts, legs shaking weakly and cock twitching from the confines of his jeans, before falling limp on the chair.

or nah.

as the song ended, he came down from his high. you freed him from the iron grip of your belt, the skin on his wrists was red and slightly swollen. you may have tightened it too much in the heat of the moment, but you weren’t apologizing after giving him probably the best orgasm of his life.

the bewildered expression on his face quickly turned grim as it hit him.

he came in his pants like a fucking teenager.

in a room full of people.

in front of his friends, yours and you.

his friends stood there, both confused and surprised to see donghyuck so affected by your touch. nobody had expected things to end the way they did.

“damn, are you okay my man?” johnny asked, laughing at his friend’s flustered state.

“shut up,” donghyuck answered bitterly. he shot up from his seat, grabbing your hand and shoving you inside the nearest bathroom in the house. he didn’t even care to cover the wet spot on his pants, walking with his chin up and a scowl plastered on his face.

and blame it on how riled up you had gotten from the feeling of his hard dick pressing against your needy pussy, but damn, he looked good.

“i wanna go next!” hendery spoke excitedly. you couldn’t tell if he was just messing with you or if he actually wanted you to give him a lap dance too. either way, it made your lips turn upwards in a smug grin.

once you both made it to the bathroom, he locked the door before pushing you against it, back pressed flush into the hard piece of wood. the ambience took a 180 turn, your confidence faltered slightly at the sight of his angry form.

“you think it’s funny, yeah?” he hummed angrily in your ear. “you think i’d let you do whatever you want and embarrass me in front of my friends just because you feel like it without payback?” the look on his eyes getting darker as the words left his mouth.

“if so, oh baby, you were so wrong.”

trying to test him, you decided to answer.

“you’re all bark and no bite, what else am i supposed to think?” you smirked devilishly when you saw him clench his jaw.

“you’re gonna regret being a brat,” his slender fingers wrapped themselves around your waist and with a harsh tug, he pulled you closer to attack your lips, biting and sucking on them, making your legs wobbly. he tasted sweet and bitter at the same time, probably from the liquor he had been drinking all night, and you couldn’t seem to get enough. his lips were soft and plush as they mingled with yours, teeth roughly clashing and tongues fighting for dominance, “am i?”

donghyuck hissed through his teeth as he unbuckled his pants, letting his cum-covered shaft spring free. he was already hard and you unconsciously rubbed your thighs together to ease some of the tension building up between them. his hand shot to your throat, tightening his grip until you couldn’t breathe properly, before forcing you on your knees.

donghyuck tapped his hard and heavy cock on your lips a couple of times before speaking. “open up, slut,” and you did as you were told, parting your lips and poking your tongue out, waiting for him to slide in.

but he didn’t.

he wanted you to lick him clean, he wanted to see you do as he said, follow his orders like a good girl without complaints.

“clean the mess you’ve done. now.”

the harsh tone of his voice sent a wave of arousal straight to your core. your hands immediately shot up to grab a hold of his length, but before you got too close he stopped you. confusion was written all over your face and for a moment you worried he had changed his mind.

“no hands, i want you to work on it only with that dirty mouth of yours.”

with your hands gripping onto his thighs, your tongue swiped from the base to the head of his cock, eagerly licking him clean. once you had swallowed every drop of his cum, your mouth took him whole, hollowing your cheeks, one hand massaging his balls. donghyuck threw his head back as yours bobbed at a rapid pace, the tip of his cock reaching the back of your throat as you swallowed around him.

when he was about to cum, he pulled away from your mouth, making you whine at the loss. wrapping his hand once again around your throat like a beautiful necklace, he forced you up on your feet. he turned you around before pulling you closer by a rough tug. your clothed ass pressed against his dick, a mixture of his arousal and your saliva wetting the cloth. your hips ground back to both tease him, desperate to feel something, anything. his hands went to the front of your jeans, rubbing his fingers over your clothed clit and a whimper fell from your lips.

“more, i need more,” you pleaded, the barrier of clothes making the feeling less pleasurable.

he surprisingly complied without resistance, dipping the digits under the restricting cloth. a deep groan vibrated against the side of your neck when he felt the wetness that had been gathering inside your panties since your dare.

“look at you, so damn wet,” his mouth watered at the feeling of your needy heat. at this point, donghyuck knew everyone had an idea of what you two could possibly be doing, and although he would enjoy returning the favour by eating you out to his heart’s content, there wasn’t enough space nor time to do so comfortably. but he swore he would make it up to you some time.

“for who is it, baby?” the answer was obvious, but still, he wanted to hear it directly from you. he inserted one long finger until it was knuckles deep inside of you and you let out a squeak, head falling back onto his shoulder.

“for you donghyuck, all for you.”

“that’s right, slut, only i can make you that wet, only i can touch you like this. you’re mine, don’t forget that,” he inserted a second finger and pumped them deeply into you.

“yes,” you breathed out softly, too far gone to fight back with a snarky remark.

although his fingers felt good and you could possibly –with a bit of an effort– cum just from them, you still wanted more. you wanted to feel the nice stretch of his cock tearing your walls apart.

“please, donghyuck.”

“what do you want?”

donghyuck knew what you wanted. fuck, he wanted it too, so bad. he had been waiting for an opportunity like this for a long time and now that he could finally have it, he was going to make the best out of it.

“fuck me,” your core ached to be filled so you swallowed your pride and spoke out.

“condom?”

“we don’t need it, i’m on the pill,” you rushed, stomach twisting and turning in excitement, “please, just fuck me.”

donghyuck’s eyes turned darker, lust clouding both of your minds with the only desire to fuck each other stupid. he pulled down your jeans so they were pooling on your ankles and went back to pump his fingers inside you to make sure you were ready to take him. as he entered you, you had to lean on the sink in front of you to hold yourself up or else you would have faceplanted the mirror.

“you feel so good, fuck, so fucking tight,” donghyuck growled when he was balls deep in you.

whimpers fell from your lips from the delicious stretch of his thick cock. after a few seconds of you adjusting to his size, you backed your ass into his hips to let him know you wanted him to move. he gave a couple of thrusts to test the waters before picking up his pace and you gripped the sides of the sink as he pounded into you. his mouth worked on your neck while you brought one of his hands under your shirt to play with your breasts.

“such a pretty sight, don’t you think?” he tugged harshly at your hair to force you to look at your reflection on the mirror, thrusts never faltering.

your makeup was ruined; lipstick smeared messily all over your lips from the hot make-out session, neck full of bruises donghyuck left to claim you, shirt pulled above your breasts displaying your puckered nipples while one of his big hands grabbed your boob as they bounced with every hard snap of his hips.

“you have no idea how many times i had to control myself not to pounce on you,” his eyes never left your quivering reflection, completely in love with the way your frame molded with his, “every single time you couldn’t keep that pretty little mouth of yours closed and all i wanted to do was shut you up with my cock.”

“f-fuck,” his thrusts turned rougher as his free hand wrapped around your neck, tightening his grip and amplifying the mind-blowing sensations he was giving you.

your asscheeks slapped against his hips, which drilled against you at an unhuman pace, hitting the right spots with every snap and making your eyes roll to the back of your head. you couldn’t keep your mouth shut, loud moans threatening to fall from your lips so you slapped your palm over your mouth to muffle your sounds.

“don’t, i want to hear you,” he gave a particularly hard thrust to try and draw a sound out of you, “i want you to be so loud that all of our friends know what we’re doing, i want them to know how good i’m making you feel.”

specially mark.

but he wasn’t going to tell you that.

“h-hyuck,” you couldn’t hold back the broken moan that fell from your lips, pleasure overtaking your body. your hands gave in and you almost fell forward, but donghyuck reacted sooner and pulled you by your hair, holding you up.

“address me properly, brat,” he growled in your ear. you felt a hard slap on your ass, the skin of the abused area stinging from the impact.

“i’m sorry… fuck, donghyuck,” your cries went straight to his dick, urging him to fuck you harder. he kneaded the flesh soothingly before spanking it again and again until you could make out the imprint of his big hand on your asscheek.

“f-faster, please,” you pleaded in a whine and he tsked, shaking his head, “such a greedy little slut.”

“what would everyone think of you if they could see you so eagerly taking my cock, mm?” donghyuck hummed, “begging for me to fuck you until you can’t walk properly?

shocks of pleasure shot through you, his dirty talk helping you reach your release faster than you anticipated. his grip on you was so tight you were sure you were going to be sore the next day. your moans turned pornographic as you neared your release, your walls squeezed around donghyuck to the point he was unable to move, so he started drawing circles over your sensitive clit to help you get off.

“let go, baby.”

and soon, his touch threw you over the edge, causing your body to shake and a broken moan to fall from your lips, legs weak as your whole weight only relied on your arms for support. he followed shortly after, grunting as he filled you up with his warm and sticky essence.

as he pulled out, a mixture of your slick juices and his seed leaked from your abused hole, dripping down your inner thighs. his fingers slid over to gather the drops of cum and opposite to your assumption, he didn’t push it back inside of you but brought the digits to your face, waiting for you to open your mouth.

“suck.”

and you did, eyes locked with his through the mirror as your tongue swirled around his fingers to lick them clean.

“fuck,” donghyuck sighed, “i didn’t know you were so dirty, sweetheart.”

and the teasing comes back.

“do you want me to remind you how i made you cum in your pants back there in a room full of people?” you rolled your eyes in disbelief and he just let out a breathy laugh.

“whatever. either way, even if they didn’t have the pleasure of fucking you or at least seeing you get fucked, they surely could hear you from how loud you were screaming my name.”

“good thing mark now knows who you belong to,” the words slipped out of his mouth before he could think and both of you shared a look of pure shock.

“did you just mention mark?”

“…no?”

“you did! what the fuck? were you jealous of mark?” you asked, eyes wide as you remembered the disgusted look on his face when you and mark got too touchy with each other during the game.

“i am jealous of mark.”

“what? why?”

“oh my god, you’re so dense.”

“shut up, i’m not.”

“yes, you are. i like you dumbass, that’s fucking why. why wouldn’t i be jealous if you two act like you’re dating but always deny it when questioned? i can give you my hoodies, i can cuddle you and hold your hand, i can spoil you with cute stuff. i can be your boyfriend, it doesn’t have to be him.”

everything was so weird.

you were supposed to be enemies for fucks sake.

but he looked cute with pouty lips.

“well, you sure have got a damn weird way of demonstrating it.”

“shut up, okay?” donghyuck snapped, done with trying to get you to shut the fuck up. “i just didn’t know how to approach you or talk to you at all, alright?” he sighed, a scowl forming on his face. “you always seem to be angry when i’m around.” the change in his voice shocked you, it was much softer now, as if he was afraid of you hearing it.

“hey, don’t beat yourself for it, alright?” you sighed, feeling bad for being so mean to him for no reason. because you really didn’t have a reason. whenever you weren’t at each other’s throats and you got time to observe him from afar, you saw how caring he was with his friends, even if most of the time he annoyed the crap out of them.

donghyuck actually seemed like a good guy… if you ignored his teasing.

maybe you didn’t hate him as much as you thought.

“so, would you be my-,”

suddenly, the sound of banging on the door resonated through the room.

“are you done already? i need to pee.”

you quickly fixed your clothes, embarrassed by the presence of someone outside the door waiting for you and donghyuck to get out and momentarily forgetting about the boy’s proposal. just as you were about to open the door and get yourself the fuck out of the situation, his arms wrapped around your waist to pull you closer and whisper to your ear in a way you could feel your panties get damp once again.

“we’re not done yet, princess.”

–lia:)

[adhbabey]

Internal symptoms are much more important to treat than external symptoms. This is true for every disorder and that's why the DSM needs to change.

Disorders are often seen as the way they affect other people, not the person who has them, and that is an issue. For all disorders. Even less stigmatized ones, even more stigmatized ones. These disorders affect the person who has them more than they affect other people. And that is why the narrative for these disorders is often so stigmatized.

Mental health awareness and acceptance needs to be about self improvement, self love and self care. It shouldn't be about the people that's surrounding them and it should not being about masking or conforming to society.

The reason why disorders can be lethal is because it affects the person who has them. People have terrible intrusive thoughts, people cannot get out of bed, people have paranoia or severe attachment issues, people are unable to do tasks, people are unable to control their emotions and people's relationships are affected. It's about the person who deals with these things, not for the people around them.

ADHD is seen as lazy and stupid. Autism is seen as childish and crossing boundaries. OCD is seen as uptight and annoying. Anxiety and Depression are seen as fake and poetic. Cluster B personality disorders are seen as dangerous and evil. Schizophrenia is seen as rare and unstable. DID is almost as stigmatized as personality disorders because people think its a personality disorder. There's so much more. The narrative isn't about the people with disorders. It's about how they are "mentally unstable" or idiotic. Not about the struggles they face or about the feelings/thoughts they have.

The narrative needs to change. Especially if people see those with these disorders as creepy or weird or dangerous. Especially if the narrative is that people are faking for attention. As if they don't have to mask everyday to just be accepted by other people. As if they aren't constantly told that their symptoms are their fault.

Gatekeeping disorders or fakeclaiming disorders comes from the narrative that these people are "crazy" and mentally unstable. That they can't have any agency because they're slow or dumb. That somehow your perception of yourself is warped because you're mentally ill. While your self perception can be warped, doesn't mean you can't be self aware and notice the issues that are going on. We don't exist in a vacuum.

It wasn't too long ago that mentally ill people were tortured and locked up. It wasn't too long ago that normal things like homosexuality and people existing, was seen as mental disorders. It wasn't too long ago that people were called the r slur, or that people were abused in hospitals, it still happens today. Institutionalization is not safe and it doesn't help people to recover. The medical industry is not something that can be trusted, and we need to stop putting so much authority and trust within them. They have been wrong in the past, and they control the narrative of mental illnesses.

We have been denied agency the most. And I'm tired of people going along with the idea that we've somehow lost that, that neurodivergent people need to be controlled by those who "know better". Doctors don't. I don't know a single disabled person who wasn't denied, discriminated against, misdiagnosed, or treated badly by a doctor. It's so fucking rampant and doctors don't research as much as they should. Stop believing in everything a doctor has to say. They're not the end all of disorders.

Disabled people know more about the ins and outs of their disorders more than a abled doctor ever will. They experience the internal symptoms and that's why its more important.

We reserve the right to the narrative on our disorders. It's about us, not about anyone else. Especially those of us with personality disorders, other people are not the narrative, but the things you experience are. So what if you dress weird, or have a hard time interacting with others, if you view that as a problem, then it's a problem. But if it's not something you believe to be bad, then it shouldn't be told as so.

It's time for disabled people to be more accepted, no matter how they present. No more of this shit. What you experience is more important and more true than how other people perceive you.

TLDR:

Internal symptoms should be more prominent and important than the external symptoms that other people see.

People can mask and opening about symptoms is not faking.

Disorders are highly stigmatized due to the narrative that we're "crazy", unstable and dangerous.

It wasn't too long ago that we had no agency in our image and in our lives. We were tortured, abused and killed in institutionalization.

Doctors don't know better and constantly misdiagnose and discriminate against mentally ill people.

Disabled people know their disorders better than anyone else. People can and are self aware, no matter how much their perception is warped.

The symptoms on the DSM are not completely objective and a lot of them don't matter and depict ableist caricatures.

[yunoysl]

Wanna be yours | jjh

Summary: having an attractive roommate is one thing, but being friends with benefits with them is something that is bound to go wrong.

Pairing: roommate!jaehyun x fem!reader

Word count: 2.7k

Warnings: masterbation, sexual tension, voyeurism?, unprotected sex, bulge kink, creampie, not completely proofread!

When you first asked your friend group if there was anyone they knew that needed a place to stay, you didn’t expect for him to be insanely attractive, and you also didn’t expect to become friends with benefits with him. You’re not complaining—he’s AMAZING in bed. Not just is the foreplay good and have you riled up and wet within a few minutes, but the degrading and aftercare have you wanting more.

“Y/N, are you going to workout with me today?”

“No, I’m too tired today” you tell him as you pick up a popsicle from the freezer. “I’ll just watch you workout and do it vicariously through you”

“Well alright, you won’t get the results you want but whatever suits you” he tells you as he sets his exercise mat in the living room.

“Aren’t you gonna take off your shirt?”

“You’d like that wouldn’t you” you would slap that smirk off his face if you could.

“Jaehyun!”

“I’m joking calm down, and no, I do that later on when I start getting really sweaty”

“Oh, well then carry on”

You decide to go on your phone so you don’t have to watching him and inflating his ego by having him reaping with something obnoxious like “take a picture so you can use it for later”

You were so preoccupied, scrolling through your social media and texting back and fourth with your friends. When you looked up you didn’t expect to see the imprint of his cock in his grey sweats. Yes, Jaehyun was big, very very big, but you never thought it was to the point where you could very clearly see the imprint of him in his sweats—and his sweats are nowhere near being tight fitting, so it’s definitely taking you by surprise.

You were in a trance—watching him lift weights, the way the veins in his hands popped out had you swallowing. He could easily manhandle you however he wanted. You couldn’t stop staring at his crotch.

Jaehyun’s grunts are what bring you back to earth.

You decide to get up and leave before you do something stupid.

You weren’t aware, but Jaehyun knew you were staring. And yes, it did inflate his ego, which is not what you wanted.

You left Jaehyun alone to help your best friend with her wedding. You didn’t think you would enjoy it at first—expecting it to be boring and drag on a long time and praying for it to end, but you were actually having a really fun time. You liked helping her pick out what kind of flowers to have, what kind of dress she would like to have for the braidsmaids, and you were especially excited for the cake tasting.

“So Y/N, how have you and Jaehyun been doing?”

Her question took you by big surprise. She obviously is aware about what you have going on with your so called hot roommate Jaehyun who you now have a friends with benefits relationship with—she’s the one who suggested him be your roommate.

“We’re good, still living together”

“Still fucking?”

“Umm, not as much anymore”

“Not as much? What? Were you doing it every day”

“Not everyday, don’t be insane. Three times a week at the most” you would definitely do it everyday with him, heck even he has suggested to do it everyday, but you don’t have the kind of stamina that he has.

“Have you made a move?”

“I don’t like him”

“I’ve seen the way you look at him, it’s very obvious there’s some feelings there. I’m your best friend you can’t hide things from me” Of course you should’ve known that you can’t keep anything from her. The amount of times she has figured things out without you even telling her.

“Well if nothings going on, is he seeing someone?”

“Why would he be seeing someone?”

“Because you two aren’t dating? If you don’t make a move on him someone else will” you hate that the thought of him seeing someone had you not only upset but also jealous, wanting to fight whoever she is—wait she doesn’t even exist. You’re going crazy, he’s making you crazy.

“Can we talk about something else besides my lack of a love life” she smiles teasingly at you, almost in an evil way, knowing she hit a nerve with the question of him being with someone that’s not you.

“It wouldn’t be lacking if you stopped being stubborn, but fine. So, did you like the marble cake or the chocolate champagne more?”

You’re currently in the kitchen doing dishes. Today is your turn to do the dishes but you actually don’t mind it, you find it calming and relaxing. The room is very quiet considering Jaehyun isn’t there to bother you every 5 minutes by poking your cheeks to tell you he’s bored and to pay attention to him. Of course peace and quiet doesn’t last long living with Jung Jaehyun, as he soon steps into the kitchen wearing just a towel- wait, he’s wearing just a towel!

“Why are you wearing just a towel?!” You squeak as you cover your eyes with the lose towel hanging off a chair.

“I just took a shower” you felt Jaehyun’s presence, assuring you that he’s now behind you. “And why are you covering your eyes, you’ve seen me naked already”

“Jaehyun, that gross”

“That’s not what you usually say when I’m plowing you into my bed”

“Jaehyun I will kill you”

“Okay I’ll stop teasing you, for now. Do we still have the ice cream cake from Jeno’s birthday”

“That was over a month ago”

“Food is food” he’s staring at you wanting for you to answer his question.

“Gross, it’s in the freezer”

He hurries to the freezer, eager to have something sweet in his mouth. Of course he would prefer if it was you, but he’ll take what he can get.

“Are you sure you should be eating it?”

“Mind your business” he playfully snaps at you.

“If you need to go to the doctor because of it I’m not taking you” rolling his eyes in fake annoyance, he dives right into the last bit of cake there’s left.

You go back to washing the last few dishes there are left, not sparing Jaehyun a glance.

When you finally finish you’re relieved, excited to have one thing from your to do list done.

You notice Jaehyun in his own world, living his best life with the Oreo ice cream cake.

He licks the frosting off from his fingers, the veins in his hand popping out and having you feeling a type of way. You swallow, the sexual frustration getting the best of you as you imagine what his fingers could be doing. And it doesn’t help that he’s still in just a towel. You swear he’s doing it on purpose.

“Enjoying the show?” Jaehyun’s voice bring you back, seeing the way his eyes have darkened with lust now.

“N-No I’m fine” your voice shakes. Damn it.

“I don’t think you are” he walks towards you until he’s towering over you.

“You don’t know anything”

“No, but I do know you would love it if my fingers were licking someone sweeter that isn’t frosting, is that right? Or would you prefer is they were somewhere else? Somewhere that’s probably soaking wet?” He pulls your bottom lip with his thumb, making you suck on him. The way your tongue circles around him has him getting instantly hard. The eye contact you two told has your legs almost shaking.

You finally come to your senses, taking his fingers out of you mouth and running to your bedroom, painfully horny.

When you lay on your bed, you don’t waste much time you shove your fingers inside of you, wishing and imagination that it was Jaehyun’s fingers instead of yours. You quickly pump your fingers in and out, closing your eyes and picturing Jaehyun on top of you, enjoying the sight of your moans escaping your lips as he gets you off with just his fingers. Your trying your best to keep your moans low, feeling your climax about to wash over you. A few more pumps is all it takes to have your body shaking, your climax hitting you like a waterfall.

You didn’t check to make sure the door was all the way shut, making Jaehyun see and hear everything.

The sight of you getting yourself off with your fingers has him painfully hard. Jaehyun has to shower again, but this time not because he’s dirty or anything.

Jaehyun wraps his hand around his hard and angry cock, pumping up and down rapidly to reach his high. Is he ashamed to be getting off to the sight of his incredibly hot roommate? No, and it’s also not the first time, nor does he think it will be the last. He twists his hand to get off quickly, not wanting you to find out he showered again after already taking one not even two hours ago and questioning him.

You’re so fucking hot it makes him horny.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck” he gasps as the cold water hits his body. He pumps faster, his vision getting blurry as he releases onto the shower floor, the water washing it away and down the drain. He’s breathing heavily, acting like he actually just had sex. Now he actually does have to clean himself.

“Noooo” you whine to Jaehyun as he’s in the middle of picking out a movie to watch for movie night. “I don’t wanna watch a horror movie.”

“Why not? We watched one last week and you weren’t whining about it then”

“The ones you pick out are disturbing”

“Fine” he decides to play an action movie instead. “You’re such a baby”

“I hate you”

“Not what you were saying a few weeks ago”

“Just pick a movie” you leave him to make a bag of popcorn. When you come back he’s already sat on the couch, sitting there looking so cute and comfortable with his big grey hoodie and cheeks looking a lot like soft bread.

You remember the conversation you had with your best friend.

“What are you doing?” Jaehyun asks you when you sit on the other side of the couch away from him instead of making yourself comfortable in his arms like you usually do.

“I’m sitting down?”

“Nooo” he does grabby hands at you. “Come cuddle with me like you always do”

“And I’m the baby?”

“Just shut up and cuddle me” he pulls you into his side, laying his head on your shoulder and wrapping his hands around you.

You both really enjoyed the movie, Jaehyun occasionally making snarks remarks at the screen, but it’s not something new to you.

The movie finally ends, the ending credits rolling when he gets a call. He excuses himself to go to his room.

You figure you should clean up so you can head to bed and sleep. You’re walking past Jaehyun’s bedroom heading to yours when you pause, you don’t know what possessed you to listen in on his conversation, but you did.

“Are you going to make a move on her” you hear Johnny’s voice through the small gap in the door.

“I don’t know, I don’t even think she feels the same way” Jaehyun is sitting on his bed, rubbing his face in frustration. Whoever this girl is she must be special for him to be doing that. He’s usually someone who is good at hiding when he’s upset or frustrated.

“You’ll never know unless you tell her”

“Okay I will, soon”

Johnny’s loud sigh can be heard.

“I give up on you”

“How the hell are you sexually frustrated?” You’re on a video call with Mark. You all tell him everything, and when you first told him about the friends with benefits thing you started with Jaehyun, he wasn’t too happy about it, as you’re someone who easily catches feelings—remembering all the times you had fallen for someone new. It would be at the simplest gesture, like holding the door open for you or picking up your pen that fell on the floor.

“I just am. I haven’t done it with anyone in two weeks”

“Oh poor you” he’s mocking you, and you want to smack him in the face. “also, don’t you and Jaehyun have a thing going on?”

“Yeah- well we did”

“You did?”

“I overheard him talking with Johnny about having a crush and having feelings for this girl”

“Oh damn”

“Yeah, I just don’t wanna get in the way of that”

Mark isn’t able get anything out before you hear a knock at your door.

“Can we talk” Jaehyun’s voice is heard through the closed door.

“Oh, sure” you yell out to Jaehyun while hurrying to fix your hair. “Bye Mark”

“You’re hanging up on me? What happened to bros before hoe-“ you don’t let Mark finish his sentence.

“Come in” Jaehyun opens your door, and sits next to you on the bed.

“I wanted to walk to you about our relationship”

“I want to talk to you about that too. We should stop”

“What? Why?” He scared at you confused, wondering why you would want to stop something that was going so well—or so he thought.

“I know you like someone”

“You found out”

“Yeah. It was good while it lasted, but I don’t wanna get in the way of you and this girl-“

“Wait you really don’t know? You’re not just acting dumb to tease me?”

“Know what?”

“You’re the girl I like”

“Oh-OH!” You’re taken by complete shock. You never thought that someone like Jaehyun, who is so attractive and popular, would like someone like you. You thought the most you would have with him is sleeping together.

You both stare at each other before leaning in, your lips colliding. Your lips tangle with each other, tongues exploring each other’s mouths.

Jaehyun pulls away to kiss your neck, sucking and leaving mark’s on your skin.

“I’m going to make you feel like the most precious thing in the world” He starts kissing you again, pushing you down onto the bed and crawling on top of you. It doesn’t take long you you both to be naked. His gaze was dark and filled with lust. He rubs his tip up and down your slit before sinking into you. He gives you time to adjust before thrusting his hips repeatedly into you. The feeling this time is very different from all the others—usually it’s loveless and fast, eager to get each other to finish. But this time it’s full of love. He watches his cock go in and out of your pussy, the sight of you taking him making him even harder.

He thrusts into you harshly, sexually frustrated from you both not doing it for two weeks.

“Such a good girl for me” You clench around him as he ruts his cock into you. Jaehyun is smug, fueled by the fact that only he can make you feel this way. Quiet moans leave his lips while laying kisses on your neck.

“Fuck, you fill me up so well” You moan into his ear as he continuously sinks into you. You feel so full as his cock hits you in all the right places. His cock leaves a bulge in your lower tummy, having him almost passing out from the pleasure. Every moan you let out got him closer and closer to his high.

You both feel each other about to finish, making you wrap your hands around his neck for support as his pace starts to get sloppy.

“You’re going to take everything I give you, okay? Come all over my cock” Your whimpers have both of you finishing at the same time, his load filling you to the brim.

His warm cum coats your walls as you come down from your high. He pulls out once he’s done, starting at himself leaking out out of you. He puts up his shirt from the floor to clean you up, your pussy still sensitive from the penetration he just gave you.

Once he’s done he pulls you into his side, smiling at you and having his dimples pop out. You both get comfortable into bed, happy and excited for the new life you have together.

[theshelbyclan]

Bells and Smoke

Summary: The youngest Shelby has to be send away to a convent, but you have no intention of conforming to their rules, even if you’ll die in the process

(Gif by @harmon-jane-black​) A/N: Requested by anon: Could I request a Shelby sister where she is sent off to a boarding school and is getting badly bullied by teachers and pupils for being what they think is Birmingham poor scum. Maybe she comes home or gets visited and is losing her Birmingham accent and is a little thin and tired. V Polly and tommy nun scene vibes. Only if you aren't busy ❣️ x This has gotten really long, but this request gave me SO many ideas! Warning for abuse and neglect though. And I hope you like it!

Words: 6020 *** You couldn’t remember how it had all happened. One minute everything seemed to be fine and the next, life as you knew it had ended. Maybe it was Tommy’s idea, to give you the opportunities the others never had. But he never cared much about his siblings’ education. Maybe it was Arthur’s idea, thinking you’d finally become too wild. But he was too busy fighting his own demons. Maybe it was Aunt Pol’s idea, making a woman of style and class out of you. But she’d never abandon you like this. 

All you knew was that one morning you had been in bed. As usual, you’d woken up with the workers as the factory whistles sounded, but there was no need for you to get up at five. So you’d turned around and tried to sleep on. But then Finn had come in and he roughly shook you awake. “Aunt Pol says you have to get up,” he had said, his voice filled with urgency. But you hadn’t been awake fully yet, “What… Why? It’s so early!” “You have to pack.” “For what? Where are we going?” Your brother had refused to meet your eye, “Not me. Just you.” And before you knew it, Aunt Polly had taken you and your small bag into the car and you were speeding out of Birmingham. At least Finn had come along, though Polly had forbidden him to go, but he had been adamant. “Where are we going?” you had whispered to him in the back. He had hardly replied to any of your question, but gave evasive answers like, “Away. Pol says it won’t be forever.” You remembered the all-encompassing feeling of loneliness that had washed over you in that moment. Was it something you had done? Were you being punished? Was the family giving you up? You were only fifteen, you’d never been away from Small Heath without any of your siblings by your side, and the separation had been too abrupt, too cruel. Suddenly, Aunt Polly had swerved to the right and stopped abruptly in front of the train station. “Get you bag,” she’d ordered you. Anger had flared inside of you, “No! You tell me where I’m going first!” “Y/N Shelby, I am your aunt and you will do as I say. Remember who you’re talking to and don’t think for one second that you will win this fight. Grab your bag and get out of the car.” Petrified at your aunt’s tone of voice, you’d gotten out of the car. And like a zombie, you’d walked over to the train. On the side it said Oxford. “Where do I get off?” You’d asked no one in particular. “Oxford,” your brother had never left your side, “Just sit tight until the end.” “You know what’s going on.” “I can’t change it, Y/N,” his eyes had been pleading for your forgiveness in that one moment, “I tried, I swear to God I did, but I can’t change it…” Not really understanding, you had only been able to nod, “Will you explain it to me?” “I’ll write.” Suddenly, tears had begun to fall from your eyes. The great unknown hadn’t even scared you that much, but the sudden realisation that everything had been altered had. “Here,” Finn had nudged you, as you’d hoisted your bag on board, “I nicked this for you,” and he’d handed you a hipflask, “might get you as far as Oxford. After that, you’re on your own.” His words had hit you hard, so there’d been nothing left to do but take a swig from the whiskey he offered. “What did I do wrong?” you’d asked him, uncertain. “Nothing. Don’t let the bastards tell you otherwise. You did nothing.” His voice had been so strong then. “Finn?” “Yeah?” “You can’t fucking write.” He’d burst out laughing and you couldn’t help yourself but join him. Then the train had started to depart and you’d taken one last look at the car with Aunt Pol’s silhouette inside. You’d turned to Finn and it’d been like you would never see him again. “Finn?” “Yeah?” “I bloody love you, you know?” He’d smirked, “I fucking love you too.” Eyes still locked, the train had started to move and just before it was too late, he’d added, “I’ll make sure you’re coming back home.” You’d clung to those words *** At five in the morning, the whistles sounded. Waking up this early was now your habit, as it was the habit of all the girls here. Like robots, you all climbed out of your sober beds, to put on your drab grey dresses and to stand neatly next to year beds. The dormitory looked like a prison cell and the girls’ faces were ashen. Shivering in the cold, you waited for inspection. “Adams!” “Yes, sister.” “Lee!” “Yes, sister.” “Williams!” “Yes, sister.” The first voice rang through the room like the bells of hell and the girls answered in meek tones. This was your morning ritual and there was no comfort to be found in it. Silently, you waited, while a part of you still dreamed of the horses you once loved and rode. Remember the freedom you felt, you told yourself. Remember the wind in your hair? The people who cared? The place called home? Remember Finn running alongside you? “Shelby!” You suddenly looked up, “Yes, sister,” and faced the nun who’d stopped by your bed. “What’s this?” she asked her rhetorical question. “My bed,” you weren’t supposed to answer, but it had escaped you before you could stop yourself. The middle-aged woman crouched down and tore up the neat bedding you’d just finished tucking in perfectly. Locking eyes with you, she gloated, “Look, it isn’t made properly.” “It was,” you replied through gritted teeth, “you just went and fucked it up again.” Without a warning, she struck you across the face hard. Then she flipped over the bed in one smooth motion and said, without any emotion, “Do it again.” Seething with rage, you counted to ten in your head. In your mind, you went back to Small Heath. You could feel the warmth of the fire in your kitchen, hear the men counting the money and could smell Aunt Polly’s cooking. This and only this was how you managed not to explode. “Ankins!” she continued her list. “Yes, sister.” “Elliot!” She was new here and you looked at her without turning your head, a skill you’d mastered in recent weeks. Some of the girls said she’d gotten pregnant, but she’d lost the baby before coming here. No one really knew what had happened to her. You only thought she looked too young, too fragile, like a little bird that could be squashed with a single movement of the hand. “Yes…” she mumbled, practically inaudibly. “Speak up, girl!” She hardly increased her volume, but repeated, “Yes, sister.” Just as you’d promised yourself you’d try to look out for her, evil incarnate turned around to face you again and snapped, “Shelby. You’ll report to my office after you’ve finished making your bed, properlythis time.” Great, you thought. After she’d left, you looked at your hands in resignation. Faint white lines betrayed the cane that had been on them. They’d only just healed. *** A few months earlier, Tommy was meeting a man dressed in black in an alleyway. As the rain was pouring down on Small Heath, they spoke in urgent whispers. “What did she do this time?” the concerned brother said with a slight hint of annoyance in his voice. “Theft, mainly,” the other replied, “And she was seen at the races, leaving the scene of the murder.” Tommy knew his sister hadn’t been responsible for the death that day, but none of it mattered now, “How much do they know?” “Enough.” Tommy took another drag of his cigarette and paused for a second, “Well, what do they want?” “Nothing. Leverage.” “Fuck…” “Thomas,” the informant urged, “Get her out. Out of Small Heath, and do it fast.” “Where the fuck is she supposed to go?” He shrugged, “Don’t you have family some place else?” “Can’t protect our Y/N when she’s away from here,” Tommy said coldly, not betraying the emotions he felt. “Then send her somewhere she will be protected.” Tommy sighed deeply, “I’ll ask Pol, eh? She’ll know what to do.” The man looked at Thomas Shelby: gangster, businessman, brother. His face was impossible to read and his feelings remained hidden. So he said, “Do it tonight, Thomas, if you can. He said she’d hang for it. Get her out.” ***

The first time you had tried to escape you didn’t think about it. You hadn’t even planned it and had just decided to run. With two nuns hot on your heels, you’d raced through the corridors. Pretty soon, you ran into your first locked door. You knew all was lost there and then. “Shelby…” the mother superior had mused as you stood in her office, “I knew it would be you.” “And how the fuck would you know that?” you’d replied quick as a flash. “You watch your tone, filthy rat,” she’d shouted, but added calmly, “We know of your kind, child.” Through gritted teeth, you’d questioned, “And what kind would that be?” “Gypsy scum,” she’d spat, before beating you senseless for the first time. The second time you tried to escape, you’d thought it through more. In the middle of the night, you’d crept out of bed and tiptoed across the dormitory. “Get back in bed!” one of the girls had whispered, “Remember last time?” “Yeah, I fucking remember, that’s why I need to leave!” you’d whispered back, voice filled with urgency.

Two hairpins. The day you’d found those were the day you’d planned your second escape attempt. Because if growing up in Small Heath had taught you one thing, it was how to steal and lie and cheat. And, coincidentally, how to pry open any lock. The first locked door was conquered quickly, but the second one had proven to be more troublesome. The large black doors that were said to protect you from the outside world did their job of keeping you all caged inside. The hairpins were too small to reach all the tumblers. Cursing under your breath, you’d soon realised that you disappearance had been noticed. In a panic, you’d grabbed a chandelier from the chapel and broken a window. Ignoring the shards you’d climbed through, while they tore at your skin and blood stained your nightgown. Once outside, the fresh air had an intoxicating effect on you. But you’d never gotten far. Again, you were brought to the mother superior, who stood waiting eagerly this time, cane in hand. “Go on,” you’d urged, full of defiance, “Beat me and get it over with.” “No…” she’d said suddenly, “you will tell me what your plan was first.” “To fucking get out.” “Why would you want to leave this place?” she’d questioned innocently, “Why would you want to leave the house of the Lord, where we only want to offer you safety and education? Where you can atone for your sins and regain your place in heaven?” “I’m not an animal,” you’d replied, “I need to be free.” And with that, the nun had smirked at you, “Free. You want to be free. Well, maybe this will finally break your spirit.” They’d locked you up in the cellars for three weeks. Darkness had enveloped you, only broken when she came in to beat you or feed you. You could never be sure. After every beating, she’d say, “Now, I’ll pray to God for you and ask him for his forgiveness.” “I’ll do it myself,” came your steady answer each time, “I’ll deal with him on my own.” And in the dark you’d cling onto the black Madonna around your neck, the only mother you still had left in this Godforsaken place. Now, some girls would be broken by now, but not you. If anything, you’d been more determined than ever to get out. But you had to be smart about it. Maybe Aunt Pol wouldn’t take you back and maybe you’d shame Tommy, but Finn would look out for you. Running hadn’t worked so far, so a new plan had started to form in your mind: a new plan that involved the boy that delivered the bread. Because as the days droned on after you were being released, you started paying attention to the delivery boy for the first time. You knew he’d always had a thing for you, but you weren’t interested. As a way out, you were now extremely interested. “Hi,” you greeted when it was your turn to help him unload. He was so startled by your talking all of a sudden, all he could manage was, “Bread…” “Yeah,” you smiled your prettiest smile, “Bread. That’s what you’re here for, right?” “I am.” “Good,” and you continued to unload the crates, sending him a few glances over your shoulder. He was still rooted to the spot, so you decided a bit more effort was required in this case, “You only come here for the bread?” you asked with humour in your voice. “Well, that’s my job…” he almost stuttered, but when you made eye contact, he finally relaxed a little, “What else would I come here for?” “Me?” you asked innocently. You could tell his confidence was growing, “Well, maybe a little. I mean, you are the prettiest girl in the school.” That was easy, you thought. So you flirted on and chatted him up and soon he was all yours, “Your name’s Billy, right?” “Yeah.” “Well, Billy. I need a favour…” This plan was a lot more complicated but it had a higher chance of success. And it would’ve worked too, if it hadn’t been for the younger nun who’d spotted you talking to Billy. Before the third attempt had even taken place, you found yourself back at the office. This time, the mother superior didn’t even speak. As soon as you were marched in, she’d grabbed you by your hair and attacked you with a pair of scissors. “Get off me, you crazy bitch!” you screeched, as strands of your hair fell down left and right of you. But the old nun remained completely calm in her tone, while becoming increasingly vicious in her attack, “Do you know what we do here?” You clenched your jaw for the pain, because this was no longer just about cutting your hair, but also hurting you as much as possible in the process. You had about a thousand replies to her question, but quickly weighed your options and decided not to piss off an angry old nun with a deadly weapon in her hands. So she continued, “We offer you the gift of education. Through hard labour, lots of prayer and penance the girls can find their way back to Jesus Christ. By humbling yourself, denying yourself rest, food and drink even, and working beyond human endurance one may come closer to our Lord. Save yourself from eternal damnation.” “No, thanks,” you replied inaudibly. When your hair had been cut, she crowed, “Your arrogance has been defeated and your vanity has been lifted. You will do well here now.” The fuck you would.

*** “Aunt Pol?” “What?” the woman snapped. He faltered, “Is this a bad time?” “It’s never a good time. Speak up, Finn.” “Fine,” and he took in a deep breath, mentally preparing himself, “When’s Y/N coming home?” Aunt Polly turned around abruptly and said, “For fuck’s sake, Finn.” “It’s been months!” “And we haven’t heard from her,” with a large gesture, Aunt Polly threw some more wood onto the fire, “If something was wrong, she would’ve written.” “Well, no…” her nephew started protesting. “Yes,” his aunt interrupted him, “She’s fine. It’s Y/N. She can take care of herself.” “She can’t now, can she!” Finn suddenly erupted, “Yousend her away and for fucking what?! She didn’t do anythingwrong!” Polly held up a menacing hand, “You mind your fucking tone or I’ll slap you back to where you came from.” “I’m sixteen, Aunt Pol, same age as Y/N. Remember, we’re twins?” He’d only gotten more heated, “Something’s wrong. I can feel it, alright? And she wouldn’t write to you anyways, because you’re the one that send her away! Why would she write to someone who doesn’t even fuckingwant her?” Polly paused for a moment and seemed to calm down, “What do you mean you feel it?” “I just know, Aunt Pol, like when we were little and she fell in the Cut and I couldn’t breathe? It’s like that, only… longer.” She put down her black cigarette, “You’ve been dreaming, haven’t you?” “I dream about her, but I can never see her,” he nodded, “And sometimes…”

“What?” “It’s stupid…” “Finn, you tell me, right now!” everything about her was focused on the urgency of the situation now. But he didn’t understand, “Seagulls, alright? I keep dreaming about seagulls.” “Fuck,” his aunt whispered to herself, “I need to talk to Tommy.”

“Aunt Pol, you’re missing the fucking point!” he was seething again, “I was trying to talk to you about Y/N! I just want to know why you send her away and whenshe’s coming back!” “I didn’t send her away. Tommy said we didn’t have a choice,” she grabbed her coat and continued talking to herself, “I thought she’d be safe there…” “Isn’t she?” Finn asked, panicking as a result of his aunt’s strange behaviour. “Seagulls, Finn, fucking seagulls!” *** You couldn’t understand why they hated you so much. At first it had just been the nuns, and you had a vague notion of them calling you ‘gypsy scum’ had something to do with it. From the start, they’d commented on your accent, reminded you of where you came from and told you that you were nothing compared to the others girls here. And in a way this made sense: on the one hand this school had the outward appearance of being an institution of learning for young ladies, but the reality was very different. Parents who no longer wanted to deal with them or who had ‘shamed’ their families often dumped girls here. Others were orphans. Either way, the nuns collected the large amount of money paid for each girl and treated all of you badly. And you weren’t a complete idiot and you knew you were partially to blame for the situation as it was now. You knew you hadn’t made a great entrance when you walked into the school, but even from the start they had disliked you. But your resistance had made it worse, much worse. All the girls were treated harshly, had to work and were kept in line, but you were being treated like a slave held captive. There was zero intention on your part to come into the school to make friends. From the moment you’d stepped off that train, you’d decided you were done with people. All you wanted was your brother, and the rest of the family if they still wanted you. But after a few weeks, you had started craving some connections and you had tried to make friends with the other girls. But it soon became clear that you had very little in common with them. This however, wasn’t the main problem: they feared you. Your defiance made them anxious to be around you and receive similar punishments to yours. They kept away. “Elliot!” you whispered to the new girl, who was crying in the dark. You rolled onto your other side in bed to face her and tried to ask her gently, “What’s your name, your first name I mean?” After a few residual sobs, she said softly, “Anna.” “I had a cousin called Anna,” you smiled at her, “Why are you crying? Who do you miss?” “It’s not who I miss, it’s about who doesn’t miss me…” “How do you know…” you started, but you were interrupted. “Don’t talk to her!” another girl called out and Anna turned around to look at her. The girl continued, “Yeah, I’m talking to you. Don’t talk to Y/N. She’ll get you in trouble. Just… stay away from her.” Anna looked at you for a few seconds, eyes filled with fear and then she turned onto her other side. You couldn’t even blame her really. She was new. But slowly, it only got worse. All the girls crossed the halls when you passed and not only did they begin to shun you, but they started taking your things, stealing your food at times and made you an outcast in every sense of the word. And you suddenly understood: if they made you stand out even more, all the attention would be drawn to you. The nuns would leave them alone. You were the easy scapegoat, because you’d been the most likely choice from the start. And as the months wore on, you started to wither away. Jealous or full of hatred, you couldn’t tell, but the other girls tried to hurt you as much as the nuns did. You were cold at night because they’d taken your blankets. You didn’t eat because you were being punished. You didn’t sleep because you were locked up downstairs and the beatings kept you awake. And so you fell ill, heavily. After you recovered, you stopped eating, sleeping, fighting. Not because you no longer could, but because the loneliness had finally caught up with you: you no longer wanted to. *** Tommy watched his aunt as she strode over towards him. He’d known the woman for years and usually he would be annoyed by her interrupting his meeting, but by the way she walked, he knew she wouldn’t wait for anyone right now. “Get out,” she told the man Tommy had been talking too. He left at once. “It’s Y/N,” she said as soon as he’d gone, “We need to get her out.” “She’s at the school, the one you recommended, Pol. You told me she’d get a good education there.” “We were wrong, Thomas, wrong to send her away.” “What’s all this, eh?” he frowned, “We had no choice and she alright where she is. We took care of it.” With a wave of her hand, Polly referred to Finn, “He feels she’s in danger.” And Tommy turned to his youngest brother, raising his eyebrows sarcastically, “Is that right?” “I have a bad feeling, Tom…” Finn said uncertainly. “He’s been dreaming of seagulls,” Polly emphasized, locking eyes with her nephew. “Fucking seagulls…” he rubbed his head, “More gypsy witchcraft?” Swiftly, she slapped Tommy across the face, “You’ve forgotten where you’re from.” Quickly, Tommy’s face went through a range of emotions. First there was anger and the urge to strike back. Then there was the reaction of wanting to hide, like he was being chastised just like when he was little. The hurt over her comment came next, swiftly followed by a sense of shame, because she was right. His face settled on worry over his youngest sister. “What do we do?” “What will happen if we get her back to Small Heath?”

Tommy lit a cigarette and thought out loud, “Connor wants her dead. He has high influence in the police and he’s using her as leverage, after having seen her at the races.” “Y/N didn’t kill that soldier!” Finn called out, full of indignation. “Yes, we know…” Tommy said in a low voice, “But that doesn’t fucking matter because no one’s going to believe our word for it against his.” “Who else knows?” Polly continued. “My guess is no one does yet…” “JOHN!” Polly howled suddenly and for a second Tommy could only blink. Then he continued, “If anyone else knew, we’d heard by now. I’m guessing he intends to save the information for when he can use it.” Aunt Polly bend down and started unlacing one of her boots. That’s when John walked in and he immediately paused when he felt the tension hang in the air. “Take this,” she ordered him and handed him the small revolver that she kept hidden in her boots, “Shoot Connor.” “Fucking what?” he nearly spit out his toothpick. John looked at Tommy for an explanation, but it didn’t come. Instead Tommy asked Polly, “Then what?” “We go to Oxford.” Tommy nodded slowly, “John, go on. Shoot the man. Get Arthur out of bed when you’ve done it.” Shrugging like it was just another small task he had to fulfil without much enthusiasm, John walked off with the gun in hand. But Finn said carefully, “What if I was wrong?” “Have you ever been wrong about your sister?” Aunt Polly asked, “Apart from that time you thought she was in love with that Jewish boy…” “No.” “Trust your gut, Finn,” Tommy confirmed, “Pol’s right.” Aunt Polly smiled at him with an almost motherly warmth, “Let’s bring Y/N home.” *** Eventually you were moved to the hospital wing of the school. The neglect and lack of food had caused your body to shut down and you could no longer force yourself to get up each morning. At first, you were branded lazy and got punished for it. Finally, even the nuns acknowledged this was serious and the last thing they needed was another girl dying at their school. You’d lost all feeling for days, drifting in and out of sleep. One nun took care of you and she was different from the others. During your hazy periods, she tried to persuade you to eat, but with the last strength you did have, you refused. If you were to die, it’d be your own choice. “Y/N…” someone whispered to you gently. You tried to open your eyes, but it felt like lifting bricks with muscles you did not have. “Y/N,” the voice said again, and you realised this wasn’t the nun. Slowly you opened your eyes and saw Anna, sitting by the side of your bed. “What do you want?” you croaked. She looked down and said, “I came to see you.” “Why?” “Because I’ve made a mistake.”

You didn’t care for her feelings. You knew she despised you just like the others did and you didn’t need another girl gloating by your bed. So you decided to just wait and not answer her. “The girls told me you were scum,” she continued, “that you didn’t belong here. They said that’s why you always got into trouble, because you’re just Birmingham working-class trash.” Great, you thought, and how is this supposed to help? “When they told me to not talk to you, I listened. I thought it would help, that I would fit in more and the nuns wouldn’t beat me like I saw them do with others. But I was wrong.” “The nuns don’t need a reason,” you replied before you could stop yourself, “Reasons help, but they will find a way to vent their cruelty, no matter what.” “That night,” Anna said, “you talked to me and asked me who I missed. You were the only one that asked me why I was crying.” “I didn’t want you to feel too alone…” Anna nodded, “I know. That’s why I’m here.” But you didn’t understand, “Why are you here?” “Y/N. You’re not alone. Tell me, who do you miss?” Much to your own annoyance, tears welled up in your eyes. For last couple of months you had tried so hard not to think of Finn, Arthur, John and Ada. And you tried to ban Polly and Tommy especially from your mind, always wondering why they didn’t want you. Your heart can be cruel like that: those who don’t want you, you miss the most. Anna took your hand in hers and for the first time you felt another human being without pain. And so you started telling her of your brothers, of your aunt, of the horses and factories and of the streets of Small Heath. Anna didn’t say a word, but she listened intensely. After you’d cried all your tears and there were no more stories left to tell, all she said was, “Please. Eat.” When she offered you soup, you ate. *** It was a sight to behold: Polly Gray walking through the city of academia with four brothers practically having to run after her to keep up. When she arrived at the front doors of the convent, she didn’t ask to come in, but simply walked on into the halls. “Aunt Pol,” John ventured, “What do we do?”

“Keep up,” she said simply. Arthur looked around nervously. He didn’t like nuns and convents. But Tommy and Finn scanned every room and corner for you. Left and right, girls looked up in surprise as the strange family invaded their home. “Who’s that?” they whispered. But the nuns urged them away and said, “No one. Don’t look at them. They don’t belong here.” Tommy frown deepened as he noticed the faces of the girls. These weren’t what he expected. Of course, he wasn’t familiar with schools like this one, but he knew education played a part. These girls all looked tired, downtrodden and most of them were cleaning or scrubbing the floors. He shared a look with Aunt Polly and she nodded in understanding. “How are we going to find her?” Finn asked. “Oi!” Arthur called out to one of the girls, who jumped up at his voice, “Y/N, you know her?” “No, sir…” she shook. “Listen to my voice,” John added, “What about a girl who sounds like me?” And then one other girl stepped forward and she tilted her chin up high as a sign of arrogance, “She’s not here.” “And whyis she not here?” Polly asked pointedly. The girl got nervous, but tried to keep composure, “Because she’s filth and this is a decent school.” Again, Tommy looked around at the skinny girls, all dressed in the same drab depressing dressed, “Decent, eh?” His low menacing voice knocked all the attitude out of her, so she changed her mind, “She was taken to the hospital ward a few weeks ago.” “Where,” Arthur demanded. “North wing,” she gulped.

Aunt Polly marched through the halls like a woman on a mission. Her face bore a gritty look of determination and none of the bells, smoke and threats of a holy place could make her quiver. In fact, God shook as she walked passed.

Still, one nun tried to stop her, but before she could open her mouth in protest, Aunt Polly had pushed her aside and casually commented, “Better get out of the way, sister, you certainly won’t be the first woman of God I’ve knocked down.” When they entered the hospital wing, they walked into another depressing space filled with beds in lines. Most of them were empty, but one nun stood up and walked over to Polly. Her first instinct was to actually knock down this one, but when she saw her soft face, she paused. “Y/N Shelby,” she demanded, “We’ve come to take her home.”

“You’re her aunt?” the nun asked, “She’s asked for you.” “Is she alright?” Finn stepped forward, “What was wrong with her?” “We thought she might not make it. She stopped eating, you see,” the nun explained. John frowned and protested, “That’s not Y/N. She would never refuse food, unless…” Tommy didn’t need to hear the ‘unless’; worry was already eating him alive inside. So he walked around in search for his sister. He found her in a bed, with another girl sitting next to her. His sister was asleep. “Who are you?” Polly demanded harshly. But the brothers couldn’t speak when they saw their sisters. You were too skinny, eyes sunken deep and bruises were still visible on your face. The long black hair was gone. In many ways, it wasn’t their sister anymore, just a shell. The nun answered when the other girl was too afraid to, “This is Y/N’s friend. She came to visit her every day, even though she wasn’t allowed to.” Polly lifted one eyebrow, “Then why did you allow it?” “Anna got Y/N to eat again. She’s the reason she’s alive.”

Anna. Polly walked over to her and carefully took her hand, “You watched over my niece.” “I didn’t want her to feel alone. She felt abandoned, she said…” Anna said in a soft voice. Polly shook her head in an effort to banish the emotions, “Thank you, Anna. You’re a good friend and a guardian angel.” “What did they do to her?” John asked her through gritted teeth. “She was isolated, singled out for being… different.” Anna explained without meeting their eyes, “She tried to fight them from the start, but never won. She kept trying to run away. They beat her, kept her locked up in the cellar, but when the other girls turned on her and she thought she would never leave this place, she just… gave up.” Slowly, Finn had walked over to the other side of the bed. Clumsy but lovingly, he started stroking the hair out of your face. Seagulls, he thought. “Who’s in charge here?” Tommy suddenly spoke. “The mother superior has an office down the hall,” the nun said, “Anna can take you there.” “No,” Anna gasped, “I can’t…” Fear was written all over her face.

“What’s wrong with the office?” Tommy asked her with unusual kindness. “It’s where she…” And in an instant they all understood. So Tommy demanded, “Tell that woman to come here.” “She won’t like it, sir…” “You fuckingtell her to come here,” Tommy spat filled with venom, “Or I will burn this entire place down to the ground, and don’t think for a second I won’t fucking do it.” So the nun with the gentle face nodded and walked off. Somehow, Tommy’s explosion had triggered some old memories in you. Before you were properly awake, you dreamed of being back in your bed in Small Heath. The smell of the factories penetrated your nose and you could hear your family arguing. But when you opened your eyes, they were actually there. You looked at them one by one and stopped at Finn, “You said you’d explain.” “And I will,” he said, “when we get home.” “Am I allowed to go home?” you questioned in disbelieve. Aunt Polly shook her head, “You should’ve never been anywhere else.” “Can’t protect you if you’re not at home…” Tommy added with a slight hint of guilt in his voice. “It’s safe now,” John said, “I’ve dealt with it.” And just the way he said it made you smile a little. “Arthur, John,” Tommy started ordering them in his usual business-like manner, “Take Y/N out of here.” And Arthur lifted you out of the bed into his arms like it was nothing. “Finn, you go with them. Make sure you get her things.” At that, John pulled a gun and Finn nodded solemnly. “What about Anna?” you asked, looking at your friend, “I won’t leave her here.” “Pol and I are going to have a word with the mother superior,” Tommy stated matter-of-factly. You sighed in relief, but Anna still had a look of confusion on her face, “What will that do? She won’t listen to anyone.” “She’ll listen to us, love,” Polly said to her with a reassuring smile that left very little room for arguments, “We’ll make sure of it.” You smiled at Anna too, “This convent will be closed by tomorrow. Trust me.” “We’ll see you at home, Y/N,” Tommy said, “And then we’ll talk.” Just before Arthur walked out of the door with you in your arms, Aunt Polly ran over to you and pressed a kiss on your forehead, “Safe journey, sweetheart.” Then there was just Tommy and Polly left, clearing their faces of all sentiment and hardening their features. Arms crossed, they waited and knew what had to be done, and nothing would stop them from doing it.

“Mr. Shelby, Mrs. Gray?” the hospital nun had reappeared, “The mother superior will see you now.”

***

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