#i’m talking about characters who chose a new name and are no longer shown to identify with the old one

[starbuck]

not to moralize fiction (and i mean that unironically) but, as a trans person, when a character has a distinct birth name and chosen name and people opt to call them their birth name, i DO take notice of that and that it’s generally cis people who do it.

again, this isn’t me actually making any sort of moral judgement, i just think it’s interesting how chosen names are more likely to be inherently respected as sacred by trans people due to our real life experiences.

[a-wild-rosette]

/dsmp /rp 

Hbomb’s biggest strength and weakness is that he’s genuinely a nice person. 

H is very community-oriented. He joined the server to make friends. He spent hours mining to build an Ancient Debris wall for everyone to take for free. He is, in general, one of the most peaceful person on the server, choosing to be neutral/away from most big war and conflicts. His most prominent love language seems to be gift-giving, evident in the ancient debris wall, the Christmas presents, and that he gave Niki most of his possessions when he went away. He is willing to spend time and effort in the people he cares about, and even the people who he isn’t that close to. His philosophy is truly “choose people”: he will fight for his friends, as he evident in him fighting alongside Eret and Puffy in the El Rapids conflict, and his support for Niki’s during doomsday. H chose his friends, chose their sides, despite most other things. 

This community, people-oriented part of Hbomb was also why his pre-doomsday stream was heartbreaking. The scene where he, one of the friendliest and nicest person one the server, said “I’m done putting effort in people” was one of the scene that showcased the hopelessness of that entire day. That scene, that switch from his usual cheerful, caring personality to this sad, despondent mood, really hit home that the Dream SMP, at that point, had no community nor hope.  For H, who chooses and fights for the people he cared about, could not fight for a country he was not a part of, could not fight for the community of L’Manberg (and of the server as a whole). He wasn’t part of that community, not to mention that the “community” was already broken. The Dream SMP was no longer the community H was looking to be a part of, and that was heartbreaking to both his character, and the viewers who watched his stream. 

This characteristic also made H’s decision to leave the DSMP territory bittersweet. H was not a violent person, he was just nice. He was hurt by other people, he was overlooked and forgotten. He was, in his own word, “bullied”. He had the rights to feel hurt and unappreciated, and he could very well leave a place that was unhealthy for him and find somewhere new. But by doing this, he also isolated himself from the only source, the only hope of community on the server as far as he knew. H couldn’t bring himself to fully did that. So he contacted Niki, the only active member who he still had a tie to, gave her all his things, and let her come with him when he found a new place. He wanted to start anew completely, but still could not fully leave everything behind. Niki was his one string connected to the Dream SMP’s lands, and he did not want to let that string go. He ventured into a place where no players had came, knowing he would not find player friends, so he tamed animals, calling them his friends and naming them after the people from the server. (He has a cat named Ant, a donkey named Clay(ton), and another cat named Toby). He protected the villagers with an almost desperation that spoke to his state of mind after seeing so much death and destruction. H might have wanted to leave,he wasn’t ready to let go. 

H hanging onto his sense of community, even when he was disappointed and hurt by the people of the DSMP, was one of the best thing about his character. He was not obliged to forgive the people who hurt him, and he didn’t. But he did heal, and after a while, he grew even closer to Niki, found new friends in Foolish, and even mended his relationship with Ponk. Hbomb was the evidence that we always gravitate toward each other, and that healing and community can be found with each other. Hbomb’s arc showed that you could leave an unhealthy place, and you would be sad for a while, but ultimately, healing is possible, community and bonding is possible. H is friendly and community-oriented, and that makes his story both heartbreaking and heartwarming. 

However, it is also his worst quality. H, with his “niceness”, doesn’t want to start conflict himself. He will help his friends in their fight, but he will not start his own. He is nice and community-oriented, which means he will act in a way that makes people happy and preserves peace.  He is the opposite of confrontational, and while being peaceful has it merits, it also means H avoids confronting people he disagrees with. This trait brings him into a pretty passive role in any conflicts on the Dream SMP, more following others than taking an active role in any conflict himself. In his personal interactions with other people, this passivity is shown especially with how he deals with Niki and Tommy. When Niki wanted to hurt Tommy as a way to lash out in grief and anger, her philosophy of “doing bad deeds against bad deeds” was directly opposite to H’s “doing good to get good in return”. He expressed his disagreement, but when Niki doesn’t listen, he doesn’t push any further. He knew she was wrong, but he did not want to call her out or confront her. H was too loyal to his friends, too nice to them, that he was willing to let harmful/unhealthy behaviors slide. 

H’s approach to Tommy, while he was not H’s friends, was also conflict avoidance. Tommy is not a perfect character, and his action and the way he talked to H clearly hurt him. H had reasons to be wary of Tommy, and that is valid. On the server, there are typically 2 ways people handle conflicts with Tommy. The first way, the approach Dream, Techno, and most other characters took, was to resort to violence and punishments. They fought Tommy, exiled him, and tried to control him as a way to “make him learn”. It almost never worked the way it intended to. The second way, the approach Sam and Puffy took, was to educate. They assumed a gentle, but firm role model in Tommy’s life, and it worked. Their approach showed that Tommy was capable of learning and changing. While completely opposite, both of these approaches had the common theme of proactive reactions, as they all took matter into their own hand and act. H, on the other hand, was passive, electing to stay silent and leave instead of confronting Tommy about Tommy’s behavior. And while it was completely valid to leave someone who hurt you, it also meant that the problem would not get resolved. The same thing can be said with his relationship with the people on the server as a whole, because while the server was quite a hostile place and everyone was not the most attentive friend/neighbor, H’s passivity was also partly responsible for him being overlooked. 

H knew this about himself. He knew that he was not confrontational or fighty. He called himself a coward during his pre-doomsday stream. Because of his nature to avoid conflict, and because his philosophy is truly “choose people” (and by extension choose his people’s side), he does not fight for a “greater” good, at least that will not be his ultimate goal. He does not fight for those who are not “his” people. That is why he didn’t see, during doomsday, why fighting Dream was necessary. That is why he didn’t see Dream’s tyranny and want to fight against it. He said he was willing to give in to Dream’s demands, because it was better than keep fighting him. Again, he was more willing to surrender than fight. 

From this, H’s appearance in the finale actually showed a (temporary) switch in the server’s connection. H’s change of heart, where he came for Tommy and Tubbo (even though he still did not forgive Tommy) was a pivotal moment that showed that there was still hope of people coming together. As fractioned as it was in the aftermath, as fractioned as it was when the fighting was done and Dream was in prison, for a while, the whole server had a purpose: Tommy and Tubbo, for their willingness to die for each other, for their hope even when all hopes seemed to be gone, had inspired another hope in the server that temporarily turned them into a community again. That, was what bring Hbomb to fight against Dream, to fight for Tommy and Tubbo. Hbomb’s joining the fight even when he had left the main area, was a contrast to him staying on the sideline during doomsday. It was the contrast between the presence and lack of community and shared purpose. 

TL,DR: Hbomb94 is a community-oriented character, and watching his lore showed us the contrast between having hope and connection and not having them. His community-oriented personality is also his best and worst characteristics because he is wholesome but also avoids conflict too much. 

[caffeinatedseri]

Dazai and No Longer Human’s Yozo

It’s no secret that BSD’s Dazai draws heavily from his real life counterpart, especially from his semi-autobiographical work: No Longer Human. To preface, No Longer Human is written from the perspective of the main character Yozo, with the book itself being a documentation of Yozo’s notebooks (essentially his journals) throughout his life. 

As you progress through the novel, it becomes increasingly clear that Yozo lives an extremely two-sided life; his foolish personality acts as a facade to others in attempts to hide the darker nature within him. 

Dazai shares that obvious similarity with Yozo, but Dazai is characterized in a somewhat vague and mysterious way that leaves a lot of his inner thoughts up to interpretation and inferences. Thus, I’ll be going through some of my favorite quotes from No Longer Human and analyzing Dazai’s character through his similarities to Yozo.

(For the sake of readability, excerpts from No Longer Human will be in pictures, and quotes from the light novel will be in regular block quotes).

Dazai and Yozo’s Participation in Clownery

To start off, Dazai noticeably participates in the same “clowning” as Yozo, which in particular stands out with PM Dazai.

““How did your leg get hurt?” I pointed to the bandages, thinking that it must be the result of some violent fight. “I was reading a book titled ‘How to Prevent Accidental Injuries’ while walking when I accidentally fell into a ditch.” I wasn’t expecting such an abnormal response.” — LN 2, Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era (Oda’s POV)

This is pretty standard Dazai behavior, but the interesting part is how Yozo specifically used the word “deceiving.” If we were to assume Yozo’s true thoughts are Dazai’s as well, then it would imply that Dazai feels as if he’s manipulating people with his absurd claims (such as the above). However, in actuality, his clownish behaviors sound more like a joke, or some type of self-deflection, rather than an attempt to manipulate people. (Yozo also states that he would often incriminate himself by overexaggerating certain things, but I don’t think Dazai does that).

The second statement Yozo makes implies that he doesn’t care about ethics, morality, or the supposed “right way” of living life that’s described as “righteousness.”

Yozo’s statement on “righteousness” parallels Dazai’s in Dark Era, but Dazai’s statement carries a slightly different sentiment. Rather than being indifferent to the likes of morality, Dazai says that he’s “hated” by the concept of morality. 

I’ll be speculating a bit here → It’s heavily implied that Dazai had some sort of dark past that led him to joining the mafia, since he was already suicidal prior to doing so. This suggests that something affected his life so drastically to the point where he could no longer trust in such things as “righteousness,” because righteousness has wronged him in the past.

First, Yozo expresses his fear of people discovering his true nature under the mask of clownery, which would then lead to them pestering him for further inquiry. However, his real fear is that people would mistake his true nature as another part of his typical clownery.

More so than before, this attitude reminds me more of Dazai in the agency, rather than him in the mafia. Even though Dazai danced around darker topics in his conversations with Oda, he was still able to talk about them without much conflict. However, in the agency, Dazai doesn’t talk much about himself or any of his personal issues at all. 

Although this scene has comedic overtones, it’s interesting to see that no one would help Dazai if he was actually dying. Still, it could be argued that the other agency members knew it was just Dazai’s regular antics. (or that Dazai wouldn’t die in the first place). 

This scenario repeats itself another time when Dazai gets kidnapped by the mafia, and the other agency members kind of just brush it aside. As much as they may trust Dazai to take care of himself (which I’m sure he can do), it’s worrying that the other members may not be open to Dazai’s possible attempts at reaching out for help, if he were ever to make one. 

In LN 4, 55 Minutes, Atsushi addresses this issue by asking Dazai why he wants to kill himself, but the answer is left open-ended, with Atsushi himself not remembering the answer (or if Dazai even did answer). You could interpret Dazai’s change from his time in the PM as an improvement of his mental state — which I have no doubt that has happened — but Dazai needs to face his issues head-on if he truly wanted to reconcile with his past.

“Perhaps someone should persistently tie Dazai up, open the lid over his chest and stuff the head of a vacuum cleaner in. They have to let Dazai, who should be screaming in pain and resisting, settle down. Following which, the difficult things in his heart must all be dragged out under the sun and stepped on mercilessly.“ — LN 2, Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era

Oda, the man who understood Dazai more than anyone else could at the time, even specifically stated that the pain in Dazai’s heart must be forcefully dragged out, because he knew that this would ultimately be the most beneficial for Dazai’s sanity.

Throughout No Longer Human, Yozo is often misunderstood by others, or other people simply don’t care about him.

When Dazai goes to visit Oda’s grave in Dead Apple, Atsushi finds him and assumes that he’s visiting the grave of someone important to him, as an act of respect or remembrance, something of the sort. However, Dazai makes the automatic assumption that his “clownish words of deceit” (as stated by Yozo) will always be prioritized over the truth, which is why he chooses to brush off his actions as a joke. 

Although I made the point earlier that the agency members don’t give Dazai opportunities to open up about himself, Atsushi is notably different, similarly to Oda, because he’s able to take Dazai seriously and persist even through his antics. 

Atsushi takes Dazai’s act of visiting a grave seriously, even when Dazai plays it off, because he knows Dazai is a person just like anyone else. This understanding between them leads to Dazai telling Atsushi about Oda, thereby allowing Dazai to divulge a crucial part of his past.

Dazai and Yozo’s Friendships

Similarly to Yozo, Dazai’s attempt at “disentangling” himself from these relationships only serves to wear him out in the end. However, they also slightly differ in a way: Yozo is unable to form any friendships for his whole life, but Dazai had Oda. I would argue that Oda was Dazai’s only friend, mostly because of this quote:

“Odasaku understood him far beyond what Dazai had ever thought. He had already reached close to his heart, the place near the center of his heart. Before this, Dazai had never noticed there was someone who understood him so well. For the first time in his life, Dazai wanted to know something from the depths of his heart.” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Oda was special to Dazai because Oda was able to understand him — maybe even more than Dazai could understand himself — which is why Oda is the only person that Dazai asks for advice from. 

However, Dazai does the same thing as Yozo when he “plays the clown” as a form of self-protection from such valuable friendships. (which is probably preventing him from becoming closer to the rest of the agency).

“Things that we don’t want to lose will definitely be lost. Now that it has come to this, I have no more feelings anymore. Things worth pursuing will always disappear the moment before you get them. Nothing is worth prolonging a painful life to pursue.” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Interestingly enough, Dazai says this when Ango is revealed to be a spy — before Oda dies. If Dazai was in this state of distress from Ango’s betrayal, you could only imagine how devastating Oda’s death was. 

Dazai speaks as if he’s speaking from experience, which suggests that he’s faced a similar loss in the past. Despite this implied experience, he still became friends with Oda (and Ango to an extent), fully knowing that it would only bring him pain in the end. Dazai's statement here acts more as a front that makes him sound cold and detached from the situation, only to hide how he truly feels about losing one of his only friends. 

To give some context to this passage, Yozo’s partner, Yoshiko, had been sexually assaulted by a coworker, of which Yozo attributes the cause to her overly trusting nature. Thus, this leads to Yozo’s belief that trustfulness is inherently wrong or creates weakness.

Dazai’s hesitance to form friendships most likely stems from this same inability to trust others like Yozo, but Dazai does trust a few people, namely Chuuya, Oda, and Atsushi.

With Chuuya, there’s a different type of trust between him and Dazai. Their impeccable trust is obviously a key factor in their partnership as SKK, but there’s a certain limit with this trust. They certainly trust each other in battle, but I’d argue that this trust doesn’t extend to their personal business. 

As of now, we don’t know a lot about how SKK interacted with each other during their time in the mafia (which could change with the new LN), but I doubt PM Dazai would feel comfortable with confiding in Chuuya with anything because they (kind of) hated each other. The level of trust required for a friendship would involve a mutual understanding between two people, but Chuuya and Dazai haven’t necessarily shown us that they were able to do that.

Dazai essentially broke his trust with Chuuya by leaving the mafia on a whim, but he also intentionally antagonized himself to try to make Chuuya hate him.

This scene also has comedic overtones, but it suggests something a bit sadder about Dazai. There are possibly two motivations as to why Dazai chose to do this: (or a mix of the two)

1. Dazai didn’t want Chuuya to be incriminated as his accomplice when he became an enemy of the mafia.

2. Dazai wanted to push Chuuya away because Oda — Dazai’s most trusted friend — had just died. As a form of self-protection, Dazai broke whatever semblance of friendship he shared with Chuuya in order to prevent the same pain that came with Oda’s death. 

It’s also important to consider that trust is a 2-way street; both parties have to have the same level of trust in each other. Just like Yozo, if Dazai is unable to trust anyone, then he may have cut Chuuya off to protect him (since Chuuya may have trusted Dazai more than Dazai was able to reciprocate).

In contrast, Oda and Dazai have a level of unspoken trust that basically motivates Dazai to change his entire life. 

“Odasaku’s eyes radiate with conviction. The words are clearly said with some sort of strong basis. Is it past experience? Or perhaps someone’s suggestion? — He is trying to show Dazai the path he once walked. Dazai understands this. Dazai can trust it.“ — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Returning to Yozo’s question — “Is trustfulness a sin?” — Dazai answers it by showing us the strength of trust in this moment. Trust insinuates blind faith in another person, the willingness to believe someone else without logical reasoning, which makes it all the more important when PM Dazai — the genius prodigy who operates on a solely logical basis — is able to trust Oda and change his path in life. 

Atsushi is most likely the one that Dazai trusts the most in the agency, due to the aforementioned issues with the other members. However, it seems more like a budding trust that’s growing to become like Oda and Dazai, but it still requires Dazai to take that step forward to further their trust. 

Dazai and Yozo’s View of the World

In this scene, Yozo had made a decision for immediate gratification, but that choice caused him insufferable pain afterwards — supporting his belief that the world was a “place of bottomless horror.”

This parallels two of Dazai’s statements: one from Dark Era and one from Dead Apple.

“Please, take me with you. Wake me up from this rotten world of a dream. Come on, come on, come on!” — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

(Dazai wasn’t talking about himself here, but the allusion sets up a situation where he can talk about himself indirectly — I talk about it more in my other post here)

We don’t really get a reason for why Dazai is suicidal, but from this we can infer that it’s something more complex than he makes it out to be — something like an issue deeply rooted within the world, with no easy solution. 

One could guess that this was the result of an unfortunate decision (like Yozo), or the realization that the world was simply a terrible place (possibly because no one cared for him as a kid and he had Mori as a “parental” figure instead).

Yozo expresses his lack of understanding in the compassion of human nature, but Dazai (as we know) seems to understand other people perfectly, as least enough to manipulate them.

However, this forms somewhat of a paradox: Dazai understands people so well to the point that he can’t understand them.

Dazai understands every flawed aspect of a human being — the tendency to manipulate, lie, kill, etc. — most likely because of his past as a young child. “Human beings never did teach” him the hopeful aspect of human nature  — the ability to love and cherish others.

Shibusawa in Dead Apple reflects this mindset, but take note of what Dazai says: “You wouldn’t be saying that if you actually had friends” — clearly a reflection of Dazai’s personal experience, by knowing how important friends are.

Yozo’s deathly fear of society tames itself when he comes to the realization that society is really just made up of a bunch of individuals working for their individual benefit, so he has no reason to fear society as a whole.

I don’t believe Dazai has this same fear of society, but he does reflect this individualistic mindset in the way he acts. Often enough, Dazai doesn’t tell anyone about his plans and would rather manipulate people into following such plans, even when it would be easier to cooperate. He always takes care of conflicts by himself, and by his standard.

Yozo’s fear of society possibly manifested into Dazai’s ostracization from society. More speculation here, but → My guess is that Dazai was alienated not only as a genius isolated for his intelligence, but also for his ability. There seems to be some division between regular society and ability-users’ society, but I can see Dazai being rejected by both because he’s the antithesis to all abilities. 

Regular society would either shun him like other users or attempt to exploit him for their personal gain (possibly for his intelligence AND his ability), or ability-users would see him as a threat and/or menace to their safety.

When Yozo considers a double suicide with his partner, he comes to this unsure conclusion of whether or not he actually wants to go through with it.

This reflects what Oda believes about Dazai:

“I thought you and Dazai were very similar, unable to see the value of your life, hoping for death, hence jumping into a world of violence and fighting. But that’s not the case. That guy is just a child who’s too smart. Just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world we can see.“ — LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

At the end of the story, Gide and Oda are different from Dazai because they face an inevitable hopelessness. However, Dazai has a small spark of hope to live on that persists beyond the other two. 

This is represented in Dazai’s own statement to Oda, when Oda is set on walking to his death: “Go and rely on something, hope for something good to happen next, that something will definitely happen.” 

If anything, this sounds more like a plea to himself than to Oda, but it establishes an important point: hope is built upon the assumption that the future will treat your present desires well. Vice versa, hopelessness is built upon the expectation that the future will neglect your present desires.

It’s a bit wordy, so I’ll elaborate on. Right after Dazai says this line, they proceed to talk about their desires → Dazai wants to find a reason to live, so he joined the mafia; Oda wanted to become a novelist, so he didn’t kill anyone. 

Now, the difference between hope and hopelessness:

Oda feels hopeless because he expects that his present desire (to become a novelist) won’t be fulfilled in the future. By losing the one qualification that he felt he had to follow (not killing anyone), he no longer believes that he can become a novelist.

Dazai has hope because he assumes that his present desire (to find a reason to live) will be fulfilled in the future. He doesn’t know that for sure, but he persists onwards regardless of having full assurance or not. 

Dazai’s hope and trust in Oda brings him to where he is in the present, and takes him one step closer towards discovering his reason to live. 

[definitely-not-a-wasp]

I'm okay with a bunch of disorganized rambling honestly 😂. But if I had to narrow it down then I guess I want to know about main and side characters and how they compare to the original?

I know that tumblr is the Prime Site for disorganized rambling, but I have perfectionism issues. But that is a great question, nonnie, and I will be happy to ramble is a slightly less disorganized fashion.

When reading Maximum Ride as a somewhat-formed adult who discovered they enjoy English classes about 3.5 years ago, I noticed that JP, when writing, doesn't understand consistency. At all. Which means, in many ways, I have a free sandbox to work with.

Spoilers for my rewrite WIP, because I strongly believe that if a story would no longer be good if one had spoilers, then it wasn’t a good story in the first place.

I'm trying to keep the backstories the same, plus or minus the scientific method and a few characters (RIP my OCs. I want to bring you back so bad but it wouldn't fit with the thematic narrative). I've mostly kept their (starting) abilities the same, too. Without further ado, I'm going to introduce some WorldBuilding. (If I'm good at nothing else, I'm good at world building)

First off. Logically.

How are they getting Cable?

How are they getting internet?

How are they getting money to eat and stuff?

JP's answer: handwave it off. Sometimes you need to ignore logistics for the sake of plot. This is an answer I'd accept from an author that I like, such as Julie Kagawa, that makes amazing worlds, characters, and narratives that I will happily handwave a few things that wouldn't work in the real world. James Patterson, on the other hand, did not make any of that; he made a cool concept, some good rough-draft characters, and nothing else, and therefore this is an unforgivable sin.

Wasp's answer: They are not getting any of that.

Introducing Cottagecore.

The house is off the grid. Solar Panels and a wind turbine create electricity. They have their own well. They grow their own food, raise livestock for eggs, milk, and wool, and trap fish for meat. They get money through dumpster diving and pawning. They still have to steal half of the necessities they can’t make themselves. They do have a TV, but it can access about three channels on a clear day. Internet is only a thing when they go to the public library.

Giving the flock a background that’s heavy in farming and livestock rearing shores up the plot holes mentioned above, but in my opinion, ties the flock more tightly to the environment, thus giving them something tangible to lose when they have to leave the E-shaped house. Because they’re not just leaving a house and a safety net— they’re leaving their entire way of life with no promise of getting it back. It also gives them a tangible connection to the earth in case I want to actually pursue the global warming themes.

Main Characters

Maximum “Max” Ride (Birthname: nonexistent)

First off, I'm letting her be Latina, James Patterson.

In the original, Max was very much the headstrong, independent, action girl. Leaning into Strong Female Character (TM), but overall she had a strong, solid foundation and enough character consistency through the first three books for me to not have to just make an entire new character. However, I felt that she was, in some ways, a bit too Action-Girl and Strong and Capable. Yes, Max is incredible and competent, but she’s also fourteen. She’s a child.

In the rewrite, Max’s character is still headstrong, independent, capable, and sometimes not the best at listening to others. All of that’s the same. But she’s that way not because of girlboss energy, but because there’s no one else to do it. She doesn’t want to lead, necessarily. She wants to get some rest and let someone else handle the problems life keeps throwing at her. But she knows if she did that, the responsibility of leader would fall to Fang and Iggy, and she can’t ask that of them. She doesn’t want to place that burden on anyone else (Look, there’s a reason I chose Ayano’s Theory of Happiness as one of her signifier songs, okay?). Her narrative is very much centered around burden, and also around loss. She lost her cultural heritage when she was taken away from her birth family, she lost her childhood to being a leader, she lost a good deal of her friends to the school (RIP my OCs), she lost Jeb, and then she lost her stability. And she’s going to lose a lot more before the end of the story. So a lot of her character arc deals with learning that there are some things she can’t fix, some things that can’t be recovered. She can’t get the E-shaped house back. She can’t get her Little Baby Angel back, even after they rescue her. She can’t get her friends back from the school. And instead of working so hard to recover those or find something to replace them, she has to learn to live with that sense of loss and move on with her life without feeling guilty for leaving things behind. And she has to learn that asking for help and sharing her burden is selfish or weak.

Other changes I made that don’t necessarily fit into her narrative arc, but you asked for rambling so rambling you shall get:

Max hallucinates, because mental illness is also a prominent theme in the rewrite. She doesn’t have a psychotic disorder, but her C-PTSD causes visual/audio hallucinations, especially when she’s stressed or sleep deprived. 

Max ends up having a Gender Discovery throughout the story and goes by He/She pronouns eventually. I don’t know when, but it will happen.

As far as genetic modifications/special quirks go, she can fly faster than the rest of the flock, but not 300 miles per hour. She averages about sixty mph with diving speeds of 240. She cannot breathe underwater or shut down her organs on command. She also has the Super Special Power to predict the weather, but that’s not because of genetics, it’s because she has chronic pain in her right arm that gets worse when weather fronts change.

Her favored weapon is her trusty rebar that she picked up from a condemned building. I think she’s going to name it eventually but I don’t know what yet.

Fang (Birth name: Gabriel Xue)

In canon, Fang is characterized in early books by being the “dark, strong, silent type”. He’s probably the most reserved member of the flock, to the point of falling into the Brooding Mystery Man trope in parts of the book. They care a lot, but they’re not the best at conveying that, especially with the younger members of the flock, and at times their high empathy leads them to making mistakes. Despite the high empathy, he’s often compared to a robot due to his lack of expression and external emotions.

Well, first change is that they’re not a man, so jot that down—

If Max’s narrative is centered around burden and loss, I would probably say that Fang’s is centered around humanity and moving on. None of the flock was treated as human while in the school, but Fang was more often than not treated like a wild animal due to “behavioral issues”, and therefore had and continues to have a difficult time considering themselves real and alive, let alone human. This manifests through a several different ways— where in canon Fang definitely had a ‘fight’ reaction, in the re-write they have a ‘freeze’ or ‘shut down’ instinct. They’re selectively mute for multiple reasons (including derealization, jaw pain, the fact that they didn’t learn how to speak until they were 10, and genuinely forgetting it’s something they’re capable of), a period of Cotard’s syndrome, and a tendancy towards self-loathing and self-sacrifice. In short, Fang is still halfway stuck in the mindset that most of the flock grew out of when they escaped in the school, and doesn’t know how to move past it.

Much of their character arc revolves around not necessarily seeing themselves as human, but learning to treat themselves as human even when they don’t feel like one (or even feel real), and knowing that just because they don’t feel human all the time doesn’t mean anyone else can treat them the same. They never start easily expressing their emotions, and they’re always going to be selectively mute, but they learn to accept that those aspects of themself aren’t character flaws or signs that they’re sub-human. 

Other additions to Fang’s character include:

They don’t get their hair cut in New York. It stays long through the entire series. They have the longest hair in the flock by the end of the series, and they can wear it in so many styles.

Fang uses they/it pronouns because themes of reclaiming the weapons used against it and, more importantly, Gender.

They’re actually really good at spelling compared to the rest of the flock, because they and Iggy communicate with Print-On-Palm when they’re nonverbal, and they’re nonverbal for some pretty long stretches of time. 

They and Max have... zero romantic tension. At all. There is none. The number of times Max calls them her sibling/little sibling in the first arc alone is staggering, and that will not change.

Igneous “Iggy” (Birthname: Jamsetta “Jamie” Griffiths)

I’ve talked about Iggy before. Canon doesn’t give us much to go off of, but from what’s shown, he’s smart, sarcastic, has sharper edges than Fang and Max, and also has a sizable ruthless streak. So that’s what I have to go off of.

The big difference between Iggy and Fang&Max is that Iggy has a much better memory of the School. Most of the flock have areas (months or years) that they don’t remember, or people that they’ve blocked from their mind, but Iggy... doesn’t. So he’s the one that remembers all of the other AVIAN test subjects that were old enough to have names and identities but died due to complications. Max might have the burden of leadership, but he has the burden of memory. And that has lead to both a massive fucking guilt complex, because why did he survive when they didn’t, and, as mentioned above, a ruthless streak that he doesn’t shy away from.

Which is to say, by the end of the story, Iggy has the highest kill count.

I love, love writing Iggy next to Max and Fang. I love writing Iggy next to Gazzy and Nudge. Because, I say this with all of the love of the world, but Iggy is not a good person. He is loyalty and love incarnate, and the world can burn down if he and his siblings are safe. Max and Fang will always try to save as many people as they can. They will wonder what’s wrong with them the first time they kill and don’t have a mental breakdown about it. They are good in a way that Iggy is not. He’s okay with killing Erasers. He’s okay with killing humans. He’s okay with killing people who might not necessarily deserve it, if they show themselves as a threat or are simply in the blast radius. He knows perfectly well that most of those Erasers he’s murdering are four and five and he is okay with that, because a lot of the AVIANs were that age when they died. (Yeah, in the rewrite it’s not Fang who has an issue with Ari; it’s Iggy who wants the 7-year-old wolf-boy dead.) 

And this is, of course, juxtaposed with Iggy being really, really good with Nudge and Gazzy (especially in the beginning). Because, again, he actually remembers being a child. He remembers a lot of kids that died and is therefore fiercely protective of the kids that didn’t, as well as fiercely protective of the innocence that he never got. So he’s the one that cooks their favorite foods when they’re having a bad day, always makes time when they want to talk about something, and convinces Max to let them go to that toy store in New York because, yeah, he Max and Fang aren’t kids. They never were. But Nudge, Gazzy, and Angel can be. (And if he has to be a murderer to preserve that, then he’s perfectly okay with that.)

He and Angel don’t get along very well, though. The telepath doesn’t like hanging out with the person with the most clear memories of the school.

Other additions:

Iggy is trans and says trans rights

He also has paranoid episodes, because C-PTSD. Sometimes they’re very helpful. Sometimes they are not.

I actually decided that he’s one of the flock that doesn’t meet their parents. I know in canon he did, but I always found that very clunky because it didn’t add to his character. He was one of the characters who, until it was convenient for the plot, seemed to care the least about his family. I’d much rather give that to a character whose arc would benefit from it.

Iggy! Gets! Older Sibling Rights! Seriously, he’s two months younger than Fang, he is just as capable.

Iggy does not know braille because Jeb decided it wasn’t necessary for him to know. Iggy is also the best speller in the flock, because Print-on-Palm was the only way to talk to Fang for a solid year. Yes he mocks everyone over this.

Iggy is the only member of the flock that enjoys swimming and can take into the air from water. Everyone else in the flock is incredibly jealous.

Nudge (Birthname: Monique Robinson)

If Iggy is defined by his memories, Nudge is his polar opposite. She was seven when she left the School, but she has next to no memories of it. She is missing a lot of time in the first year she escaped. And that causes... a lot of things. It makes her feel disconnected from her older siblings, it gives her the ability to function in society in a way the other’s can’t, it lets her feel less grief over the ones that didn’t make it and she doesn’t remember, it makes her feel guilty that she doesn’t remember what she’s old enough to know. 

Basically, in order for me to keep the character of Nudge as I saw her (more extroverted, not afraid of the world, fascinated with humans like her siblings aren’t, desiring to fit in instead of isolate), I had to put a little bit of distance between her and the flock. Of course, she loves them— that will in no way change— but she’s old enough that she should remember the school (and her dead friends) unlike Gazzy and Angel, but she can’t, and she very much fears forgetting the flock if anything happens to them. So she’s trying desperately to keep the flock close and wants desperately to experience the world at the same time, and doesn’t know what to do when she can’t have both. That’s her biggest character conflict throughout the series, along with that in-between area where she’s not quite where her older siblings are but understands so much more than Gazzy and Angel, and where she stands in that.

So yeah. Nudge’s journey is that in looking for belonging in the world, in her family, and in herself.

This is why she’s one of the ones that gets to find her parent, James Patterson. 

Other additions include:

She never straightens her hair. Never. Her resources at the E-shaped house aren’t perfect, but she still has learned how to take care of her hair and has a few styles she cycles through.

She becomes the default person Max sics on people when the flock is trying to befriend them. Also their de-facto diplomat around strangers.

As in canon, she does take some time away from the flock to expirience ‘normal life’. This does not last long due to the stress of being separated from her siblings/not being able to help them and [REDACTED]

Nudge is... not the only person in her head. I’m not focusing on it much because she doesn’t actually know and neither does the flock (I don’t know if they ever figure it out during the series, either), but she has dissociative identity disorder. She’s not aware of her alter(s?). Her alter isn’t super aware of her, either. 

The alter that I’ve developed is named Oxy and is not super aware of the outside world. In her eyes, she’s still seven and they’re still at the School. She would not recognize the body as her own if she looked in a mirror.

Nudge actually leaves the flock for a while to pursue her dream of living a normal life. She deserves it. She learns how to make muffins and the basics of software development. These things are unrelated.

Gasman (Birthname: No first name, surname “Falk”)

Honestly, writing Gazzy is kind of hard for me. Partially because I’m not great at writing kids, and partially because I feel like he’s a pretty surface-level character in-series that... isn’t super compelling in canon. But even if that’s the case, I try to treat all of my characters with respect, so here we go. In my rewrite, he escaped when he was four, which was half a lifetime ago for him, so his memories are ill-defined. Therefore, he managed to circumvent a lot of the trauma that the rest of the kids have, and not in the way Nudge did, which is by creating an elaborate blockage in her memories. 

Which means Gazzy... really doesn’t know how to deal with all of this traumatic stuff happening. So much of his development turns out to be a coming-of-age narrative. Learning how to deal with the horrors of what his siblings grew up with. Learning the fears that they had the entire time. Losing his innocence when everyone around him never had it in the first place, and being so terribly alone because of it. Because, really, how can you explain such a deep loss to people who never had what he had? How can they help in a way that matters?

Also, relationship-wise, I’m slowly deteriorating the relationship between him and Iggy. Slowly. Or, changing it, at least. Gazzy hero-worships Iggy in-series, and for good reason, because Iggy is super cool, especially in the eyes of an eight-year-old, and especially when Iggy has taken care to cultivate parts of his behaviors to be child-friendly. Part of growing up is seeing the flaws in your heroes, and Gazzy has to learn how to deal with it. End of the series Gazzy is much less closer to Iggy than beginning of the series Gazzy, and neither of them are really okay with that, but they learn to live with it, because that’s really all they can do.

Notes:

I’m keeping the mimickry! It plays a bit of a bigger role because that’s how Gazzy learned to talk. I’m debating whether or not he has his own voice or if he just borrows the flock’s as he sees fit. He also uses it to scream really loudly and occaisonally burst the eardrums of Erasers.

At one point he cosplays as Jessica Jones. No you don’t get any more context than this.

He has a horrible sense of fashion.

I’m changing his name eventually because it sucks. He’s either going to change it to Gannet, Garrison, or Ivy Mike temporarily, and permanently to Zephyr. (I never said I was going to make his name GOOD, because he’s eight, but it’s changing. You’re welcome.)

Angel (Birthname: No first name, surname “Falk”)

It’s just... a completely different character, at this point. I’ve changed so many things about her in an attempt to make her consistent and act like a six-year-old and work in the whole “telepath before she has a solid sense of identity”, so it’s a different character. Also, I’m tired of writing coherently or in paragraphs, so have some interesting facts.

She has epilepsy! Super severe epilepsy! I think she might also develop juvenile MS in the future because her brain has so many scars from being a fucking six-year-old telepath. There’s no way she could get out of that unscathed.

She has more memories of the school than Gazzy, but only because she keeps accidentally reading the minds of Max, Fang, and Iggy. On a related note, she interacts with Iggy as little as possible.

The mind reading means that she has a hard time developing as a normal child with a normal sense of identity or reality. She can’t tell how much people are individual people and how much they’re just extensions of her. Conversely, she can’t tell how much of herself is actually her instead of the thoughts/opinions/identities of someone else. It’s... kinda fucked? But also super not-her-fault. 

She’s albino because white wings. Also, because I thought it was cool. This also means that her vision sucks, though. Also she has the biggest straw sunhat and the most stylish sunglasses a six-year-old can have.

She’s responsible for Max shaving her hair off.

She has the highest swear count because I think it’s funny. She’s the only person allowed to say the fuck word in writing. Everyone else can only say ‘hell’ and the occasionally ‘damn’ but she can say whatever she wants for dramatic and comedic value.

She is NOT THE FUCKING VOICE, J*MES P*TTERSON.

Honorable Mentions

Jeb

I’m skipping Jeb because of how little I care about him. He’s a little bitch, next character.

Ari

STILL HASN’T BEEN REVEALED AS AN ERASER. I’ve been writing for 50,000 words and he’s over here saying ‘nope nope not yet, not dramatic enough’. He’s had speaking lines but has refused to make himself known to Max. I am so frustrated with this seven-year-old wolf-child that I’ve already considered how I would kill him, if I decide I want to kill yet another child in my writing.

So, my main thoughts for Ari is that he... really just drew the short end of the stick in every possible way. While Jeb didn’t sign him up for Eraser expirimentation, he didn’t do anything to stop it, and pretty much cut his losses when he realized this expiriment made a wreck of his ‘perfect, unflawed’ son, because Jeb doesn’t consider children of any species to actually be humans. So, Ari really hates his dad, which makes things complicated, because he also really loves his dad and really wants his approval. 

Which means that he also really hates Max, because she’s the child that always got Jeb’s time and attention, even when Ari was human. I think, on some level, he knows that trying to tear Max down to a less-favored level isn’t actually going to help his situation— infighting for the love of an abusive parent won’t make them any less abusive— but he’s also seven, and his development is already severely stunted due to becoming an Eraser, and he doesn’t see ‘leaving ITEX’ as an option like the Flock does. ITEX is his everything. It’s all he’s ever known, and they tell him he’s doing the right thing, and he wants them to love him. He wants his father to love him. He knows that if he ever questions ITEX, his father will never love him. So it must be his older sister that’s ruining his life and being a horrible child, and once Ari drags her back down to his level, Jeb will realize who the best child is and love him properly again.

Ari, on an even deeper level, does care for Max quite a bit, because she’s his older sister and he wants that to mean something in a way that ‘Jeb being his father’ obviously doesn’t. He wants what she made for herself, and he hates the Flock because she loves them and obviously doesn’t love him. 

Ari, if anything, is the product of neglect, and both loves and hates everyone who shows a chance of caring about him. And he’s seven, so he can’t notice these patterns, let alone break them.

So. Notes!

He doesn’t look like an adult. I thought that was gross and unnecessary. He’s seven, but he looks closer to thirteen or fourteen. Still young enough that he looks like every Eraser’s little brother, and the Erasers high-key treat him like it.

On a related note, he’s the only Eraser who can talk. The others don’t have the mental capacity or vocal structure to replicate human speech, but they can understand language (at about the level of a two or three year old) and are very good at nonverbal communication. This is why Ari managed to climb the ranks despite only having three years of “service” and also looking like a tween.

He doesn’t have an expiration date because that is SUCH a stupid plot point.

I’m giving him a chainsaw! I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but he deserves to have a chainsaw and GODDAMN I will give it to him.

Emergency and Gene

The OCs that I love and also killed pre-series. They don’t have any scenes, because they’re dead, but their deaths greatly effected Max, Fang, and Iggy, and they are very commonly referenced. Their voices are probably Max’s most common hallucination, to the point where she sometimes pretends they’re ghosts that she can talk to. They’re not ghosts. They’re dead.

Dr. Valencia Martinez

I’m actually keeping her pretty close to canon— loving, supportive, the type of person to take in a gsw victim with minimal questions. The difference is that rather than kindness fueling her actions, it’s incredible guilt. She has three goals surrounding Max: Give her as much support in any way she can, teach her as much about chicane culture as possible, and never let Max know that she’s her birth parent.

(She’s probably going to fail at AT LEAST two of those, but it’s the thought that counts.)

Notes:

She has a pet fox named Robin Hood that she rescued from an exotic animal salesman that got arrested.

I think I’m going to kill her. I don’t know yet, but it’s on the table.

Anne Walker

Y’know, the fake FBI Agent. Who’s not actually a fake in my story because I hated that plot point. She’s genuinely an FBI agent who put the Flock into pseudo-witness-protection in order to build a case against the Institute of Higher Living, accidentally got attached to her prime witnesses, raised them for a few months, realized a [SPOILER] and promptly had to let them get the hell out dodge.

I really like the Anne Walker that lives in my head. She is a VITAL part of the Flock’s development, their mental/emotional recovery, and adding to their safety net to fall back on. She serves them as their first adult role model, and is the first adult to show them what parent/child are supposed to look like from a healthy perspective. Though she has several fuck ups, she becomes someone that the Flock genuinely trusts and loves, which makes it all the more difficult for them to leave when [REDACTED].

Notes:

She and Max do butt heads initially, because Max is paranoid and also afraid of becoming uneeded. This ends up being incredibly important because Max needs to learn how to live and find meaning in life without being the designated Leader/Parent/Big Sister

Anne, at one point, sits the entire flock down to teach them about consent, which was something no one ever talked about with them before. She goes in talking specifically about consent in a romantic/sexual sense (because they’re fourteen and that’s something they need to know), but quickly turns into a full-fledged no, people are NOT allowed to do that to you, what the FUCK.

She’s responsible for giving the flock a laptop. It’s because Angel is online schooled (bc telepathy makes actually learning difficult) and was therefore provided with a computer.

Anne is also allowed to swear, but only when it’s funny.

Michael “Grey” Rivers

Aka Grey from the Sewers Aka GR3Y H47 Aka Mike from the Bronx Aka Gifted Child Syndrome Incarnate Aka Would-be-in-MIT-if-his-parents-weren’t-horrible. He’s my son, your honour.

Basically, his backstory boils down to him being a genius, getting into MIT at 14, his (horrible) parents wanting a perfect child who could “make it out” of the Bronx and represent his family/neighborhood/borough to the world. When he inevitably failed their expectations due to stress, a schizophrenic-spectrum disorder that completely alienated him from the rest of his support network, and refusing to take his psych meds because the side effects were horrible and they made it harder to think (and therefore pass his classes), they kicked him out. He fully intends to go back to MIT when he turns 18 and has control of his finances/scholarships/medication/therapy.

So that’s how the flock meets him. 

Mike ends up in a very prominent support role for the flock both in technological persuits (helping them track their parents, helping them get information from ITEX, trying to disable Max’s chip and failing multiple times until it becomes a matter of personal honour—), in helping the older members of the flock figure out how to deal with hallucinations/delusions (because he’s actually been to therapy, unlike them), and in being one of the only people who talks to them and helps them without any ulterior motive. He’s not trying to build a case against ITEX/The Institute of Higher Learning, he’s not double crossing them, he’s not plagued with guilt. He just genuinely wants to help them, and they genuinely want to help him, and that’s their first introduction to a healthy, non-codependent relationship.

My many disorganized notes on Michael Rivers:

He’s from specifically Morris Heights, Bronx, NYC.

He would say that his last name is actually Rivera, but his grandparents changed it to Rivers so it would sound more English, and his family has been in America for so long that he doesn’t know much about any Latino heritage he may or may not have. He identifies as African American, not Afro-Latino. He’s just bitter that his family felt the need to change their surname to have better opportunities in New York.

Nudge aggressively befriends him pretty much the moment she meets him, bullies him into teaching her how to code, and he very quickly adopts her as his pseudo-little-sister.

His delusions in the book seemed to involve government conspiracies, but as that’s the one delusion that is proved correct in the book, I’ve decided it would be best if his delusions and reality intersected a bit less if I don’t want to write him having a manic/paranoid episode in the second scene he has screen time. So his delusions are more based on “none of this is real”, “someone is recording everything I do and setting me up to fail” and “my ill-wishes on people can and will come true if I dwell on them too long.”. Government conspiracies are one of things he is skeptical about because he thinks most conspiracies are either “CIA admitted to this twenty years ago” or “antisemitism”.

He’s taking online free college classes that don’t actually give him any college credit, but they have good information and help him feel like he’s working towards something. He plans to double major in computer sciences and electrical engineering, minor in marine biology. He’s wanted to join NOAA since he was twelve and he is nothing if not stubborn.

There you go. These are my characters, now. I have custody.

[ouyangzizhensdad]

Please please do write the post about wwx not being dumb/oblivious. Those posts were just funny at first but somehow it's now become accepted fact. Meanwhile whether cql or mdzs wwx is a very competent, savvy protagonist who's actually pretty observant! It's getting pretty tiring to see him reduced to genki oblivous magical girl (not that I don't like those, it's just wwx is not one).

Hey anon! 

I do plan on writing a more elaborate meta post exploring what arguments there are in the novel to support my wwx is not dumb/oblivious agenda.

But for now I just want to address one factor I think plays a big part in shaping the fandom’s perception of wwx as oblivious/dumb, regardless of how wwx was actually written in the novel. That is, the creative liberties taken by (or forced onto) the cql production team, which have had in my opinion two consequences: 1) cql does not manage to establish how quick-witted and savvy wwx is, which is compounded by the fact that it chose to play the troublemaker persona straight  2) the fact that wwx and lwj’s relationship is entirely subtext actually ends up making wwx look oblivious (at least to people applying a queer reading/bl-danmei reading to their interactions--people who are obvious to or choose to ignore the subtext certainly wouldn’t come to the same conclusions). 

So, the first issue. In the novel, wwx’s intelligence is more of a focal point in the narrative because it is a crucial part of the dramatic irony/tragedy of his death: as a result it cannot help being more important to the themes of the novel. After all, he is ultimately hunted down because of and killed by his inventions. The man created an entirely new field of cultivation! In cql, this is somewhat lost due to the fact that he does not invent modao nor does he create the yin hufu, and his death is more of a suicide than a sacrifice (i am still not over the fact that he throws the yin hufu at the crowd to let them wage war over it? that’s the complete thematic opposite of his death in the novel...). 

The novel, as well, is better at establishing that wwx’s antics are generally not because he’s just being a troublemaker, but that they are a way in which he garners information, gets people to act the way he needs them to or misdirect them. For instance, in cql, when lwj destroys wwx’s (well, nhs’s) spring book in the library, wwx looks genuinely pained and affronted--in the novel, it is clearly shown that, when wwx realized lwj intended to bring the spring book to lqr, he intentionally made him angry so that he would destroy the evidence himself. the point of the prank was also to not only get a reaction out of lwj, but also (reading btw the lines) wwx’s way of trying to leave a lasting impression on lwj now that his punishment was over. Differently put, while wwx can do directionless pranks,  more often than not, they have an underlying meaning/goal instead of just being for Attention(TM) in general. In contrast, the web series is full of missed opportunities in terms of characterisation, and is so from the very beginning (I find extremely disappointing how they decided to adapt the mo mansion and dafan mountain arcs because of how important they are to establishing wwx’s character for the readers/viewers. Through these arcs, we get acquainted with the way he thinks and deduces information, and how he uses people’s perceptions of him and others to his advantage. If you can only read English, @pumpkinpaix‘s translation of the first few chapters might help get a better sense of the nuances). 

I’m not saying that wwx is portrayed as dumb in cql: but that his characterization is a lot more fuzzy and inconsistent, and that his intelligence is utilized mostly when wwx goes into his detective mode. As a result, I do feel like it undermines how analytical wwx is in all aspects of his life, making it easy to see him as, you know, someone who’s, like, half-smart, half-super-dumb. 

As for issue #2, part of it boils down to the fact that most of the obstacles to wangxian’s relationship had to be erased due to censorship. There no longer is homophobia/internalized homophobia to motivate moments of denial or internal conflict; there is no longer the phoenix mountain kiss to explain lwj’s reluctance to respond to wwx’s flirting after his rebirth (as I explored in one of my other meta post); there is no longer lwj’s failed confession and lwj’s mistaken belief that wwx knows of his feelings, etc. These vectors of tension help contextualise and explain why it takes so long for wwx to realize lwj’s feelings towards him (but let’s not forget that he does: after jinlintai, he starts to realize that lwj treats him especially well, which becomes a certainty after the second siege). the cql production team had no choice but to take these elements away. 

that being said, by adding new or by changing moments to support the subtext and to please (bl-danmei) fans, the show actually takes away even more vectors of tension/misunderstanding between wwx and lwj, and makes wwx’s crush seem even more obvious and straight-forward. Take for instance the mo mansion arc. In the novel, wwx sees the Lan disciples’ white robes and has this moment of reflection that he recognizes the robes, and sees danger in the fact that the Lan sect is involved, thinking he should leave but knowing he can’t until he resolves the curse. in cql, we get a slow-pan flash-back of wwx’s first encounter with lwj, leaving him clearly emotional. The novel sets up the association as: white robes -> Lan Sect (subtext, Lan Zhan) -> orthodox/sticklers to rules/people i’ve met in my previous life who disapproved of modao -> danger! In cql, we have instead: whites robes -> Lan Zhan -> emotional reaction/I miss him. That fact is further driven home when wwx starts playing wuji on a blade of grass, ending with a soulfully whispered “lan zhan”. In terms of subtext, it sure lays it on thick: wwx does look like he has a big crush on lwj! But that destroys a big source of tension between them at the beginning: when wwx is summoned into mxy’s body, he thinks lwj hates him and disapproves of his methods and wants to bring him to gusu to punish him. That’s why he wants to run away at first, why he doesn’t disclose his identity to him and why it takes him a moment to understand lwj’s intentions. cql does not do a great job of setting that up. And the changes they make to the events of wwx’s first life, including changes to the timeline through which we are introduced to what happened in the past, makes it even more difficult to see how wwx could have misunderstood lwj’s intentions or his own feelings (again, in a queer or danmei-bl reading of the subtext). They go on a mission together! Spend a lot of time working together toward a similar goal!Lwj calls him his zhiji (”soulmate” as is often translated)! Lwj literally tries to save him from dying! The last thing wwx would remember when he wakes up in mxy’s body would be lwj holding onto his hand and screaming his name when he let go! Again, it does great for the subtext--but it makes it really difficult to understand why wwx would misunderstand lwj’s intentions and feelings, and it makes his own feelings toward lwj seem quite obvious. 

Overall, the changes in the themes, genre, events, narrative timeline, characterisation and much more in adapting mdzs into cql have been an important influence explaining why the fandom has this vision of wwx as dumb/oblivious. It reminds me of the way some people on tumblr like to talk about Mr. Darcy as “shy” and “awkward” based on the movie pride and prejudice 2005, which totally misses the point of Mr Darcy and his character as portrayed by Jane Austen--but, if people have only or mainly engaged with this specific adaptation, it is not necessarily surprising that they hold this frankly misguided interpretation due to the choices made by the film production team. 

In contrast, in the novel, we are shown a lot to help us understand why wwx comes to the wrong conclusions or might not understand his own feelings and reactions. But that’s for all for another post!

[drxwsyni]

Denied︱Yandere Shindo Yo x f!Reader

Prompt: “I can’t wait any longer.”

Trope: Jealous!Character x Friend!Character

a/n: This is my submission for the weekly nsfw prompt from the @bnhabookclub! I’m feeling really self-conscious about posting this so I hope it turned out okay. I don’t have any content for this character so I figured this might be a good start. Please read the warnings and only continue if you’re comfortable with them. This is set in a college/university au, quirks still exist and everyone is 18+.

5.8k words

Warnings: dubcon/noncon, swearing, some degradation at the end, yandere behaviour

_____

He was just another guy in your department at first.

Lingering in the study hall, making small talk with other students before lectures. You saw him a lot, but nothing ever moved past brief glances.

Your friends were the ones who introduced you to him. Whether you should be grateful or not was beyond you at this point.

It was late, you had a night class and were packing your laptop into your backpack at the end of a lecture. A Friday night usually didn’t mean much for you. Just as you were at the moment, your plans would usually lean towards the monotonous side. The comfort of your dorm room played a large part in those plans―but not tonight.

Those who chose to grace you with their presence time and time again, while you wouldn’t always consider them your friends, were set on dragging you out with them for drinks. You didn’t necessarily mind it, but the pushiness wasn’t completely appreciated. Especially when it came in the form of a couple not so restrained individuals.

Every friend group has their flirts, yours being no exception. Only now there was a new addition.

Shindo Yo.

He made his presence very clear. Transferring into your class right before the deadline for availability, he quickly wormed his way into your life. It was a matter of keeping himself in all the right places where he knew you would be.

Like with the peers you chose to hang around with, of course.

It was sickeningly quick, the way Yo grew comfortable in your presence. The whole night was spent trying to weasel your way from his side. It was a task that proved to be much harder than it should’ve.

You’d shove off the arm draped over your shoulders, or move away from his frame leaning against yours at a bar table. He just met you, yet he was already so goddamn clingy. As far as you were concerned, it only proved what kind of person he was. Someone who got too comfortable too quickly―absolutely no awareness for someone's boundaries.

As much as you hoped he’d leave you alone after that painfully tiring night out, he didn’t. Yo sat down in the seat beside you the next class you two had together.

A cheeky, “This seat taken?” Of course it wasn’t―you always got to class early so there was never anyone occupying the surrounding area for a while. Which meant he had time to chat your ear off until the prof showed up.

“Don’t think I got your number last Friday.” You knew he was looking at you with that shit eating grin. There was no way you’d give him the time of day to look though.

“You didn’t.” You pretended to read a page in your textbook in an attempt to silently convey how much you’d rather not to speak to him.

“That’s right, I didn’t.” He paused, presumably waiting for something else from you. And when you didn’t speak, he did. “I think it only makes sense I did get it though.”

You spared him a side glance, noting his jovial attitude, “And why is that?” Sounding a little snarky wasn’t your intention, but the excessive amount of affection he’d shown deemed it permissible.

He gave a half-hearted chuckle, “We’re in the same class, we hang with the same people. And now,” he put his laptop and water bottle on the table in front of the two of you, “we sit together. Don’t you think it’s only natural that we exchanged numbers?”

He acted so casual, his tone so friendly that it was hard to deny him. And in an act of reflex, you didn’t. “I guess not...but we could just―”

“Here. Make a new contact for yourself.” Yo extended his unlocked phone towards you, and with a reluctant hand you took it. The contacts app was already open, so you started to type in your information.

“Not gonna give me your phone too?” You looked up at the man who was waiting expectedly, eyeing the device that was resting on your textbook before looking back at you.

“Oh, uh...yeah, sorry.” Mildly embarrassed, you handed him your phone as you spoke, not before unlocking it and opening the same app. His fingers brushed yours as he took it from you, and for a moment you wondered if the contact was just as intentional as all the other times he insisted on touching you last Friday.

The two of you sat in silence as you finished filling out the contact form.

He returned your device, you doing the same. You mentally rolled your eyes upon seeing the heart emoticons Yo placed next to his name.

“Now that that’s out of the way, why don’t we start hanging out more? From what I’ve seen you don’t exactly make a point in talking to anyone. You could use the company.”

Was that supposed to sound friendly?

“Ah, I don’t know. I’m pretty busy with school and―”

“Oh, c’mon. I’m sure you can find some free time. If it’s parties you’re not big on we can just study together.”

You looked at him, slightly offended at the interruption but also confused at the offer of studying. He seemed like the kind of guy to just wing it through all his classes. Going out for more drinks certainly wasn’t on your to do list and it was something you presumed he was more inclined to suggest. But studying―that was something you could do. “I guess...if you’re okay with that. I’ve got some free time after this class, it’s alright if you’re too busy though.”

“No, I’m good too. Why don’t you send me your schedule so I know when you’re free.”

It was a harmless suggestion. Convenient even―he wouldn’t have to pester you over when it was a good time to study. But something about that smile of his didn’t sit right. It was more like a grin―suggestive in a way.

It made you uneasy.

You took out your phone, “I’ve got a lot of classes so I’m not sure we’ll be able to see each other very often.” Opening his contact, you attached the image of your schedule to the text and sent it. A second later and his phone buzzed atop the table.

“Perfect. Would you look at that, our schedules are actually pretty similar.” Yo was scanning the timetable, meanwhile you weren’t feeling so pleased hearing that you might have to be around him more than you could handle.

He looked like he was going to say something else, but just as he opened his mouth to speak the professor walked into the room. You hadn’t even realized it, but amidst your conversation with Yo the majority of the students had filed in.

It looked like the instructor was still getting ready for the lecture, booting up the terminal at the front of the room to display a powerpoint.

“You mind if I borrow a pencil? Forgot some stuff in my dorm.” He was back to looking at you with that smile of his. Maybe it really was just a friendly gesture, nothing more.

You were probably overthinking things.

“Yeah, gimme a sec―” Rooting through your pencil case, you managed to locate a spare utensil for the man. Offering it to him with a quiet “Here,” Yo took it from your hand.

“Thanks cutie.”

The professor started up the powerpoint. All attention shifted to the front of the room, meanwhile yours remained on the nonchalant behaviour of the man sitting next to you.

_____

The lecture was over before you knew it. Note taking and trying not to fall asleep were the main battles to be had, aside from trying to distract yourself from Yo.

Was he closer than he was before the professor started speaking?

“Hey, earth to (y/n).”

You looked up at his soft brown eyes, “What? Oh, sorry―zoned out a little.” Awkwardly, you stuffed your notes and laptop into your bag.

Yo laughed a little at your state, “Yeah, I can tell.” He began doing the same before continuing, “So, where did you wanna study. I know of a nice little place in the library on this side of campus. Or maybe if you’re hungry we can go to that new cafe that opened up down the street…”

Right, you promised him you’d study.

Somehow in your muddled thoughts the declaration got lost on you, but naturally such a thing would never happen to Yo. He was much too persistent for that.

The library was secluded. Not a good idea.

“The cafe should be fine. Is there anything in particular you want to go over?” All your belongings were effectively shoved into your bag. You stood up, retrieving the light jacket that was hanging off the back of your chair.

Yo began doing the same, picking up a discarded sweater. “Hmm, I think I just wanna go over the basics. But I’d be more than happy to help you out with anything.” He was pulling on the article of clothing, pushing the chair in with his leg. “I’ve actually got pretty good grades in this class. Think you need a tutor?”

His tone was almost teasing, but you paid no mind. “I think I’m good. Why don’t we just focus on the material from today’s lecture. Not quite sure I retained most of it to be honest.”

“Cool, you can borrow my notes if you missed anything.”

He was already walking in the direction of the door before you could respond, his backpack lazily slung over his shoulder.

You wouldn’t lie to yourself. Studying with someone was better than being alone. It’s just...Yo was very eager. You’d known him for less than a week, and he was already acting like you were lifetime friends. Actually, it felt like it was a little more than that.

But you’d keep it as friends. Besides, you weren’t about to abandon the people you had long-term committed relationships with for fresh meat.

Following him out of the room, you tried to maintain a safe distance between the two of you. Both physically and in conversation―it was safer that way.

_____

It would appear that Yo really was as intelligent as he claimed. You missed more than you thought from the lecture, and the man didn’t hesitate for a second when it came to diligently explaining the content.

Surprisingly, the time you spent with him was enjoyable. Perhaps you judged him too soon. There were no complaints on his end as you went over the material. A back and forth that should be painstakingly tedious was nothing but the sort.

You just studied. Disregarding a few flirtatious comments here and there, he was mostly respectable. And when the time came to go your separate ways, you did so with a hint of reluctance. However, that too was quickly disregardable.

The relaxing atmosphere of your dorm was much preferable.

It wasn’t the last time Yo asked to study with you. Surely enough, when the opportunity presented itself, he had one thing in mind. Always a one sided initiation, he would send you a quick text, asking if you were free.

You were always free, and when it came to something as harmless as studying there wasn’t anything to hold you back from holing up in a cafe with Yo after class.

But that wasn’t enough for him.

Too much distance, you presumed. It wasn’t something you minded―you preferred it that way. But Yo was a man committed to closeness. And he wanted to be close to you.

He came to your dorm room unannounced, passing it off as checking up on you. And if you weren’t doing anything you would be soon, him always insisting that an impromptu study session was in need.

You had no clue how he found your dorm room.

Yo was nice to you. Patient, understanding―a little touchy, but still. He was nice. It made it easy to overlook his less than ideal traits.

The traits that had him slowly integrating himself into your everyday life. Or at least trying to.

He suggested doing something that didn’t involve hovering over textbooks and drowning in the scent of freshly brewed coffee. Going out for dinner, seeing that new movie that just came out, going to a live music performance at the bar.

You denied him at each turn. It wasn’t that you didn’t like Yo. It was just that you had your suspicions about him. The relationship you two held was still newly formed. Maybe a month had gone by at the most, and during that time you were trying to get a better idea of the kind of person he was.

The person he didn’t let everyone see.

There was no way he was so effortlessly kind and helpful. He was a good friend, someone to study with. But there was concern to be held when it came to the prospect of who he really was. If there was a different personality underneath the layers of sweet sentiments and innocence, you needed to be aware of them.

He was a man to be kept at a distance at the moment, for your own sake.

Your other friends didn’t warrant the same treatment. You’d known them since graduating high school for the most part. Maybe a few of them were newer acquaintances, but they still had at least a year under their belt.

Another month went by, and you were still on the same level of friendship. Study buddies, with the occasional bout of small talk here and there.

But he was pushing you. The disconnect was getting to him. The visits to your dorm didn’t stop, and he started suggesting other, less public spots to go over the course content.

He brought up going to the library once again.

“They’ve got these private rooms we can rent so it’s easier to study. Doesn’t that sound better?”

You trusted Yo, but only to an extent. Not the way you trusted your other friends. And he saw that.

Two more months and not much had changed. Exams were rolling around and you needed to focus more than ever. But a little fun couldn’t hurt.

A few times here and there you were once again dragged out to social events. Parties, bar hopping―shameless behaviour.

Except it wasn’t―not to Yo.

He tagged along, like he would with any other excursion you went on. Like the first night you went out with him he was as clingy as ever. And just like before you kept pushing him off. Maybe not as much, but enough for there to be a difference. A difference between the way you treated him and the way you let all your other friends get close to you. That’s what was shameless―his complete disregard for your boundaries.

After one night of repeated resistance he got worse. The insisting attitude was amplified. He sat closer to you, and you did your best to subtly inch away. Sometimes you let him have his fun, but mostly you wanted to maintain that space that kept you safe. If he did turn out to be someone that wasn’t the man you’d been studying with for almost four months, you needed to have a way out. Being in public with him did the trick.

The two of you were burning the midnight oil―luckily the cafe on campus was open until the current ungodly hours of the night. Yo was as helpful as ever, going over the seemingly endless notes and lecture powerpoints as many times as you needed. You tried to help him, but he was too smart for his own good, or at least that’s how he acted.

And yet, his normal beaming personality―always a little too kind to feel genuine―just seemed a little...off.

You couldn't quite place where the feeling came from.

“Ahh, well I don’t know about you but I’m ready to pack it in,” he sighed with a stretch. The two of you were huddled around a small table, nearly completely covered in papers, textbooks, wayward sticky notes―you name it.

It was late, neither of you were really tired, but the idea of going over the same thing you’d been reading for the past three hours wasn’t appealing.

You agreed, “Yeah, I’m good with that. Thanks for helping me tonight, probably would’ve procrastinated otherwise.” It was the truth, you were a glutton for punishment, and avoiding the necessary was something you were prone to do.

“No problem, cutie. You know I don’t mind. I get a lot out of it too after all.”

You shook your head, lightly laughing at his claim. “Like you need it, your marks are practically perfect.”

Both of you were lazily moving your things into your respective bags while he responded. “It’s not just the studying, I get to spend time with you.”

You glanced up at him with an inquisitive look before disregarding the notion. “Yeah, okay. Well lemme know if you wanna cram a bit more before the exam. You know by now I’ve got nothing better to do.” Slinging your bag over your shoulder, you grabbed the empty mug and placed it with the other dirty cups at the counter.

Yo did the same, “Actually, would you mind stopping by my dorm really quick. For once there’s actually something I don’t get about the lessons. Maybe you could help?”

He was giving you the innocent smile, waiting for a response. “You mean like...right now?”

He nodded, “Yeah, it’ll only take a sec. Left the notes there by accident.”

It seemed harmless enough, and if it would be brief then surely you could spare the time to assist him.

You followed Yo out of the cafe, letting him lead you to the residence building he was staying in on campus. It wasn’t a long walk, and you were thankful given that you wanted to spend as little time as possible completing this final task of the night.

The journey up the elevator and to his room was done in silence, you taking in the familiar surroundings as your own dorm building was made to look almost identical. Eventually you arrived at his door, him unlocking it and letting you enter first.

He had one of the single room dorms, fit with a separate washroom and kitchen area.

“It’s just in my bedroom.” He moved past another door, and you remained trailing his path. “I’ve got it here somewhere...Here it is!”

He held out some papers being kept together by a staple in the corner. You took it, venturing further into the room as you scanned the documents.

“Ah, Yo...isn’t this stuff we’ve already gone over?”

You heard the door to his bedroom shut behind you, prompting you to turn in his direction. Yo still had his hand on the doorknob, a pensive look mixed with almost a brief moment of conflict. But that quickly faded.

“Y’know, I’ve been trying to figure out how I was gonna go about this for a while. I just...I can’t wait any longer. And honestly, I’m surprised you even came up here.” He laughed off the notion, eyes coming to rest on your form.

You put the papers down on the windowsill. “What are you talking about?”

He was looking at you with almost apathetic eyes, contrasting the slight smile that was just a little too off. “What, you think I haven’t noticed the way you’ve been treating me?”

“I’m not sure I’m following, Yo...”

“You keep pushing me away. Time and time again…” He took a step forward, “You don’t do that with anyone else. Why is that?”

He was blocking the only exit to the room. You eyed the door, a pang of anxiety washing over you. “I don’t know what you’re talking about...Can we just go over the work―”

“Shut up. You know what I’m talking about.” He spoke slowly, drawing closer to you as he continued, “Your little friends don’t get the same treatment. You don’t mind getting close with them, do you?”

He was backing you further into the room, each stride he took forward being responded with a step behind from you. “What makes them so special, huh?”

Another step.

“They have something I don’t?”

Another step.

“I bet they’ve got you wrapped around their finger.”

Another step. His methodical and drawn out rant didn’t cease.

“And they’re probably fucking telling you to stay away from me, aren’t they?”

You hit the desk behind you, leaning back to put a desperate few more centimeters between the two of you. It left you at a loss for words, seeing this completely new side of him. Something threatening.

Yo was barely even a foot away, voice dangerously low. “Oh, sweetheart.” In an unexpected movement, he cupped your face with both hands, staring directly into your pleading eyes. “You don’t have to listen to them anymore.”

A little too gently in contrast to his demanding attitude, Yo pressed his lips against yours. You grabbed his forearms, attempting to pry him off. He only responded by deepening the kiss, pressing you further into the desk behind you. Unable to comprehend his actions, you stood there frozen.

He didn’t stop, one of his hands weaving its way into your hair, a leg pushing itself in between yours. Seemingly unsatisfied with your lack of reciprocation, he gave your locks a harsh tug. The brief pain made you gasp, and he took the opportunity to push his tongue past your parted lips. If you knew any better you might’ve just bit down on the offending intrusion, but something told you it would only bring bad news.

Yo held you against him until you were frantically pushing against his chest. The lack of oxygen must’ve been mutual, as soon he pulled away.

But he wasn’t quite done yet.

Moving past your lips, Yo began leaving a trail of light kisses―along your jawline, descending to the soft, supple flesh of your neck. The hand that once remained cupping your face had moved, opting to wrap around your waist to prevent you from squirming out of his grasp.

“Y-Yo, I don’t think―”

He bit down harshly on the junction between your neck and your collarbone, stopping your train of thought and earning a small yelp. A little gentler, he sucked on the spot before detaching from it, moving to place new marks on a few other areas.

The whole time you were at odds with yourself.

This was wrong. He was just a friend. It’s all you wanted him to be.

And yet, the nagging voice in the back of your head grew more and more distant with each passing second.

Yo paused his ministrations, “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to do this. You’re such a fucking tease, you know.”

In a swift movement he gripped your hips and lifted you into his arms, forcing you to wrap your legs around him for support.

“What are you doing? I think we should just―”

“Just what? It’s your fault I’m like this.” He was moving towards his bed, and upon reaching it laid you down at the foot of it. Not wasting a moment, he climbed over your form, nestling himself in between your legs. He leaned down to capture your lips with his once again. One hand next to your head was used to steady himself while the other moved to undo the buttons of your blouse.

Finally catching on to his actions, your own hands flew to the one fumbling with your top. You managed to break the kiss, a little breathless as you spoke, “Stop it Yo, please.”

He took both of your hands, using only one of his to pin them above you. Without the obstacle he resumed his attack on the other side of your neck, ignoring your pleading, now preferring to simply rip at the shirt. You heard a few buttons hit the ground as they flew from the fabric.

Sitting up slightly, Yo fixed his gaze on your now exposed chest. “So...fucking beautiful.” It came out in a breathy sigh, like the sight eased every tension in his body all at once.

He was getting impatient. His head dipped back down to your exposed chest, alternating between gently nipping at the skin and latching onto one spot for a few moments before moving on. His now free hand trailed down the side of your waist, inching lower and lower down your body.

It was a pitiful attempt―trying to pull your hands out of his grasp. Yo was much stronger than you once perceived, another thing to prove just how much you didn’t know about him. Your quiet pleas fell upon deaf ears, him paying no mind to your protests in favour of reaching some self satisfying goal.

The wandering hand slipped beneath the hem of your skirt, and you could feel his fingers brush against the seat of your panties. He momentarily pressed his fingers into the plush and covered skin. That didn’t seem to be enough for him though, as in a swift motion he pushed the fabric aside, a digit slipping between your folds. He massaged teasingly small circles repeatedly, making you unconsciously buck your hips in hopes of gaining more friction. After a few moments his fingers delved lower, gathering some of your slick in between them.

Yo smiled dangerously against your skin at the realization, “You’re fucking enjoying this, aren’t you?” His hot breath fanned against you as he chuckled. “Good, it’ll be easier for the both of us if you stopped acting like you didn’t want me.”

You whimpered at his crude words, turning your head to the side in shame. He was right, the heat you felt pooling from his actions wasn’t intended, at least not from you, but it was there nonetheless.

“C’mon, don’t get all shy now.” Without warning he pushed a single finger into your burning core, earning a shocked gasp from you. His thumb remained circling your clit as he pumped agonizingly slowly in and out of you. He added another digit soon after, the slight stretch making your face scrunch up in a small wince.

Assuming he’d gotten bored with leaving marks all over your chest, Yo moved up again to press his lips back into yours.

His fingers curled expertly inside you, reaching that soft, spongy area that sent your mind reeling. You were slowly falling apart around him. And in a moment when you were trying to come back to your senses, Yo activated his quirk, sending ripples of low vibrations through your core.

You jolted from the unexpected sensation before you felt your body reacting sickeningly quick to its effects. He didn’t cease his attack for a second, muffling the moans you tried desperately to hold back while greedily working his mouth against yours. Leaving no area unexplored, you could only let him consume you further as your body succumbed to his ministrations.

Yo’s actions grew more intense, his fingers moving faster in an almost brutal pace while he let his quirk grow in intensity every time he hit that sensitive spot, targeting it with each thrust. You felt the coil in your lower abdomen start to tighten as he slowly worked you towards release.

He broke the kiss, leaving you panting in his wake. “Fuck, I can feel you getting close.” Yo accentuated his claim with a few harsh pumps, somehow going deeper than before. You arched your back at the sensation, earning a pleased look to creep across his face.

“P-please, Yo. I w-wanna―”

“What? You wanna cum, is that it?” He lowered his head back to your neck, pressing light kisses into it before ghosting his lips against the shell of your ear. “I don’t know if I should let you. Been such a bitch to me these past few months, you think you deserve it?”

As if to prove his point, Yo halted his movements, retracting the effects of his quirk. You squirmed beneath him, whimpering at the loss of stimulation.

“I should make you beg for it. How does that sound?” Tantalizingly slowly, he began lazily pushing his fingers back into your heat, dragging them against your sensitive walls while removing them just as steadily. He repeated the action, smirking down at the sight of you writhing against his touch―or the lack of it.

“Yeah, I think that’s what you deserve. Go on, beg for―”

Before he could finish his demand, a few loud knocks could be heard at the door of his dorm room.

“Yo! You in there buddy!?” The voice of a man you didn’t recognize bellowed out from the other side of the door. Your body froze at the sound.

The last thing you wanted was someone finding you in this position. The thought made your blood run cold, and you looked up at Yo to see if he was having the same idea.

From the look on his face, he definitely wasn’t.

Yo ripped the hand away that was pinning your wrists down to the bed, instead clamping it firmly across your mouth. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, grasping at his grip on your face.

“Yeah, what’s up man!”

As soon as he spoke an intense bout of vibrations crashed through your core. He returned to thrusting in and out of your sopping heat, not relenting even as you thrashed against his hold.

It was too much―his quirk now more powerful than ever. He continued to rub tight circles into your clit with almost the same level of vibrations, maybe a little less intense than the ones he was sending through you with his other fingers.

The man outside his dorm spoke again. “I was just wondering if you had the notes from last class. Me and a few guys need them right now.”

Yo spoke without breaking eye contact with you, relishing in the way you tried to control the little noises as a result of his relentless movements. The glint in his eyes that you once saw was gone, now replaced with an empty darkness.

This was the Yo who was being kept from the public. The person you did your best to avoid for so long.

“I do actually, I’m in the middle of something―why don’t I stop by your place in a few minutes?”

You tried to close your legs, or somehow move away as you were pushed towards release faster with every passing second. Yo only pressed your head back into the mattress with more force, acting more as a warning than a way to keep you in place.

“Okay, sounds good man. Hey―are you with someone right now?”

His methods were wreaking havoc on your body. The fear of being caught and the intensity of his actions sent you over the edge. As if sensing you were done for, Yo let out a final wave of forceful vibrations, sending you crashing hard into an orgasm. Your eyes shut tightly as you rode out the blinding sensation, body seizing up completely.

You didn’t know how long it lasted for, but by the time you finally came down from your high it seemed the investigative man on the other side of the door was gone.

Yo removed his fingers, holding them up to his face in awe. Through your tear stained vision you could catch the glistening of your slick, stringing as he pulled his fingers apart. You watched in disgust as he continued to lap at the substance, sucking his own digits clean with a sinfully low moan resonating from his throat in the process.

Focusing anywhere but at him was a better option, but he wouldn’t have that. As you tried to turn your head again with eyes trying to distract themselves on something that wasn’t the man towering above you, the hand over your mouth moved to clamp around your jaw.

“Fucking look at me.” Yo turned your head back harshly at the demand, and your eyes met his. The threatening tone in his voice was one you’d never heard before.

“I’m gonna go give my buddy what he needs, and you’re gonna stay here until I’m done.”

He waited a few seconds, gauging your initial reaction. Finally, Yo released his hold, climbing off the bed and letting you curl into yourself in defence.

“If you’re gone when I get back, I’ll tell everyone just how much of a little slut you are. And we both know they’ll believe me, I’m way more likeable than you’ll ever be, princess.”

A pitiful sob wracked your body, soon turning into steady convulsions from crying. “I-I’m not...m’not a s-slut.”

He grabbed a notebook that was sitting on his bookshelf before walking to the side of the bed where you were trying to move towards in an attempt to leave. He crouched down next you you, petting down the hair on your head in an almost loving manner, “Oh I know that, but your friends don’t. They might let you tag along with them but I know they don’t really like you. Not how they like me.”

At his point you were sobbing into your hands, trying to rub away at the hot tears streaming down your face. “D-don’t―please don’t tell them that.”

Yo swiped a thumb across your cheek, doing little to rid them of your tears. “I won’t, you just be a good girl and nothing bad will happen, okay?” He gave your face a few reassuring pats before retracting his hand.

You were a mess―clothes disheveled and hair turned unruly.

He was bluffing. He had to have been.

“Don’t move, I’ll be back as soon as possible!” Yo was exiting the room, giving your crumpled form a final once over before leaving, notes in tow without letting you get out another word of protest. The door shut with a thud, and you could hear the signature click of a lock falling into place.

You could leave. You should leave.

And you wanted to, but his words kept repeating in your head. If he wasn’t bluffing then you weren’t too sure if your friends would take your side. It wasn’t just your friends either. Your family would find out, your school even.

Yo was a well liked man. A trusted man. You trusted him.

He was so good at what he did. Hiding his true intentions under that far too positive and easy going attitude. It made it easy to disregard him, and look at what happened when you did.

You denied him the satisfaction of such a closeness for so long, not even knowing what it was doing to him. Realistically, it shouldn’t have done anything. Any sane person would’ve taken the hint long ago to leave well enough alone.

But the absence of light in his eyes, the condescending attitude―all of it was evidence to show that he was everything but sane.

He’d be back soon.

And you stayed where you were.

[dragonherder2030]

Smaugust Day 9: Galaxy

I’m leaving tomorrow morning, my sister is going to look over the farm while I’m away. Echo Bel and Kory are coming with me, they can help with transportation and have separation anxiety. Xandra is showing me her camp, she has many followers, I’m going to be the first lizard to join it. That fact will be kept secret from the rest of the “humans” as to not cause hysteria, she has done the same with herself, hiding herself as an amphibian. I’m bringing my journal, I need to be able to write my thoughts

See you soon, Niki~

*we find out who the narrator is 👀. Another first person written segment, hopefully this one won’t be as long XD. Also, if by the end of Smaugust I feel there are some odd unintended plot holes or threads that need to be resolved I’ll make sure to do so. Ik it’s confusing right now, but I will continue right where we left off on the last writing segment for easiness*

Half my tea was gone in under a minute, it was jasmine green from what I tasted and was made very well.

“Please do explain what you mean by non-lizard kind though… Are you talking Amphibious sentience?” I ask, leaning back on the couch I had been placed on.

“No not sentient Amphibians that walk like us, I mean a species on another planet called Humans. They are a scaleless race with no tails, and can grow fur at an alarming rate. They can be dangerous to us, but not all of them. If you join me you can meet them, but many of them do not have the best interests of the dragons in mind.” Her creature tightened itself onto her neck. Has it experienced these “humans” before?

“Does that planet have dragons too? Also how do you, uh, go to another planet? Do you have access to a rocket?”

“No, I have something much better and easier to fuel… but you have to commit before learning of that. Keep your questions to a minimum till I finish explaining please, it will be easier.” Saying with a small hand wave. I nob in agreement.

“The planet is called earth and is very similar to ours. But dragons do not live naturally there, and have been brought there by a lizard who wanted a new environment for sport hunting, and didn’t get them all… They ended up breeding and creating homes for themselves, few and far apart. I used to monitor and catch some of the dragons to bring them back when I could along with my brother. When he passed I couldn’t do it by myself anymore, so I seeked the assistance of other lizards to return the dragons to their natural habitat. Not many believed me, and those who did I knew didn’t have the intentions of the animals in mind. So, I decided to start recruiting humans using my magic-“

“Wait wait wait, you have magic abilities?” I ask, needing to know more about this.

“Yes I possess magic, I’m no lizard, but we don’t need to know about that for now. All you need to know is that I can give objects the ability to transform a human into a lizard or amphibian sentient if worn, that’s what I can do,” Xandra says with a sigh. I speculate what she could be, and remember a legend about the creation of our world, something similar to that happening, where a being gave sentience to all of the lizards, and later some of the amphibians. There was another part of it where they wiped out a different race beforehand but I couldn’t remember it too well.

Xandra continued her explanation, “I chose humans because they would do the best capturing dragons in the human planet, since they are not killed on sight when seen… The humans I choose were specifically selected by my familiar, Davey here,” She pointed to the amphibian around her neck, it seemed to smile in admiration of its role.

“They are small enough to avoid detection from the humans, and not popular enough to be sought out, and they are very fast. Easily able to escape a human. I’ve gotten quite the following from animal lovers around earth, and luckily most of them speak English or know sign language, Davey doesn’t go far from our camp.”

“What do you guys Uh, do? Do you go to the human world and just, catch the dragons? And why don’t you just tell the humans that the dragons are an invasive species and, I guess take them back?” I ask, confused what I would actually be doing and why the humans are a problem.

Xandra’s calm demeanor shifted, and her eyebrows furrowed, “Most humans want the dragons, but I know they aren’t safe there. They would be hunted for sport and put in cages. I’ve watched them for thousands of years, they will never accept the dragons as any more then a fantasy creature for decoration. And for some reason now there are more being found, species that weren’t brought to earth from that initial leak. There’s another source, someone from this planet that has access to Earth and is exploiting it to bring dragons there. You can help me find them, and allow me to have more allies on this side. Plus the place I’m keeping the dragons isn’t safe anymore, I need somewhere here I can put them with someone to take care of them.” Her voice had raised slightly, this is a subject she is angry about. She must have witness terrible things. I think it’s an amazing idea, I have the whole farm I could keep the dragons. Acres of land I’m not using right now could be put to this. I didn’t care if she was legit or not, I believed her.

“Ok, I’m convinced… I want to help. I have a farm that can serve as a holding place for the dragons until we can bring them to their rightful places,” I say, trying to hide the excitement in my voice. She smiles at me, looking satisfied.

“My camp, it is all humans, they do not know of our reptilian existence, to them they are the last of the reptile kind. So to them, your just another new human recruit. That means,” Xandra gets up, walking towards the closet I had noticed before, “that means that you have to pick out an accessory to simulate the effect of you being a fake lizard.”

I stand up and walk to the closet as well. Xandra escapes into the inside of it, I follow closely. The inside wasn’t meant to hold more then one person, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Along the walls is an array of shirts, jackets, pants, hats, bracelets, necklaces, etc. in every color imaginable.

“Take your pick, it doesn’t matter what it is, other then u will need to be able to wear it for long amounts of time,” she says, picking up a hat and dusting it off, then hanging it back up.

I look around the room, spinning in place, then think of something, “Do you have a piece? How do you hide that your not a lizard?”

She thinks for moment, “Davey helps me with that too, as you know they are my familiar, and they aren’t just any normal dragon either. They become a wonderful necklace whenever I need them to. And when I wear that, I become what they would be if they were a sentient Amphibian,” she explained to me. So far she has shown me no proof of the magic she claims to have, and this seems like a simple test. Even if I was all for the cause, no reason not to speculate.

“Could u show me?”

“Of course,” Xandra said, glancing at Davey. The creature climbed to the front of her neck, then sitting still right there for a few seconds. I await the transformation. Then, they stiffen and fall loose, a small chain connecting to their mouth and tail holding them onto Xandra’s neck. Her body poofs into one of an sentient Olm, her body much longer then previously. I stare up at her in awe, it all must be true.

“Wow…” I say, stunned by the display. She smiles down at me and quickly exits the closet, since she had taken up most the room.

“I need to show u our transportation tomorrow, since it is getting late. You will be seeing the camp, and meeting the members. You may stay for a couple of days to get familiar with them,” she says, looking out the window. I understand her reasoning, my sister can watch over the farm while I’m gone, I’ll be returning there soon with suitable dragons.

I return to looking at the room and behind a puffy jacket is a bronze glimmer. I walk towards it and grab it, it’s a tail ring. A dragon spiraling around a few times. And it’s adjustable, I try it on, tightening it to my liking. I decide it would be to heavy to stay on, and I don’t really like these kinds of jewelry. Placing it back in it’s spot, I try on a few other things, including a puffy jacket(after taking my shoulder armor off), a muzzle, and a necklace with an odd diamond like pendant on it. Then another thing caught my eye, a blue bandana with a cool looking pattern on it. I tie it around my neck, I think this one will work very well.

Exiting the room I look around for Xandra, spotting her on the couch reading a book. Davey was wrapped around her wrist and she was back in her original state.

“I have chosen this bandana!” I announce, walking towards her. She looks up from her reading and smiles brightly.

“Oh wonderful sweet pea, I only ask one more question of you before you go home to rest up for tomorrow,” she says, putting her book down.

“What’s that?” I ask, holding my shoulder armor tightly.

“What’s your name?”

“Oh- oh yeah you don’t know me very well yet. I’m Niki,” I say with a smile. She smiles back at me.

“Thank you hun. One more thing though, if you have any drakes I would recommend you bring them with you, they would help with the travel aspect. Tomorrow won’t be a walk in the park,” she says, picking her book back up. I nod, looking to my left and realizing the door is right next to the couch. I mentally scorn myself for not realizing this sooner, and exit the house. I know these woods, and have seen this cottage before. It looks worn down on the outside, abandoned… but making my way home is easy. It was evening by the time I made it back.

I call my sister, “Hi Bryn, I need you to watch the farm for a few days.”

—————————

This was fun, writing wasn’t the best, I was kinda zoned out while writing it lol. My main focus was to explain stuff and set up character motivations, sorry if it’s a bit messy, and like, long dang.

[sebastianshaw]

Hey there @vvithteeth! So, this isn’t EXACTLY what you asked for the readlist to focus on, but I think it’s worth checking out all the same for a general sense of Emma’s history leading up to her current character!

 EVIL 80s EMMA She’s not good reference for who Emma is NOW, but a good look at what she used to be, and what she’s overcome. I think looking at Emma when she was at her worst, helps one appreciate her at her best. If you see what she had to rise above in herself, you understand the self that she’s fighting back, you have a better appreciation for the kinds of things she’s tempted towards---and the kinds of things she no longer does.  X-Men (1st series) #129-131 is her introduction, as she tries to recruit Kitty Pryde to her school before Xavier does. One of the most chilling moments, for me personally, is when she threatens to destroy Storm’s mind so that she will be “human only in physical form” And then Jean drops a house on her, which is why she’s not involved in the Dark Phoenix saga, as she was still recovering.  Emma continues trying to get Kitty and other kids into her clutches in  Uncanny X-Men (1st series) #180 and  New Mutants (1st series) #15-17, but in New Mutants (1st series) #38-40 she finally manages it by exploiting their current fucked-up state and having her student Empath use his powers to manipulate Magneto.  But when the kids decide to return to Xavier’s school, Emma allows them to do so without a fight, and just tells them that they’ll always have a place with her if they need it. Which seems nice, but then her thought balloons reveal that this is just so the kids won’t believe it when Magneto tells them she’s evil. Firestar #1-4: Whoa mama, Emma is at max abusive here. See, she desires to eliminate Selene, and to this end she trains a young mutant she names Firestar. She does so by manipulating the girl, isolating her, convincing her that she NEEDS Emma to help her control her powers or else she’s dangerous to others, and even KILLS HER PET HORSE. Emma is someone who says “I love children. Teaching is my life.” and she MEANS IT, she has a genuine call to teach and her love for her students is her driving force, but here we see how she USED to treat her students. Then put her against who she is now, it’s a huge contrast. Honestly, I don’t know why SOME WRITERS want to erase her growth by pretending she was Actually Good All Along but yeah, here’s Bad Emma. This is who she fights. This is what she has risen above.  EMMA’S BACKSTORY ISSUES Emma’s history is. . . kind of multiple choice. She tells one version in Generation X #24, but this doesn’t fit at all with the Emma Frost miniseries that came out from 2003 -2004, which also doesn’t exactly fit with “X-Men Origins: Emma Frost” single-issue backstory. I personally would read the “X-Men Origins” one and at least the beginning of the miniseries, specifically the parts that deal with her home life. The reason is that both of these show how unhealthy Emma’s home was growing up, and how that made her who she is. When I saw I think Emma is “wired” to be a villain, I don’t mean I think she was born like that, but as in, I think her environment trained her to become like that. It’s kind of like how a lot of personality disorders aren’t something a person is born with, but come from being in a shitty environment where certain behaviors will help you survive better, and then even once that situation is over, you can’t get rid of those behaviors because it’s how your brain is wired now. That’s how I read Emma---she came out of this toxic, duplicitous environment of manipulation and abuse where she and her siblings were set against each other, and that’s now her default for how she interacts with the world, even though she was originally just a sweet little nerd who only wanted to be a teacher. The “Origins” one features a generic Shitty Abuser Shaw and isn’t as good as the more drawn-out miniseries, as it focuses more on physical abuse (like her father suddenly slapping her) to get a point across that her family is toxic, rather than the more drawn-out miniseries, which I think works better for explaining Emma’s specific brand of. . .Emma-ness. But the bit where her mother tells her that her father is hardest on her because he likes her most of all, is really important I think, since that reflects her relationship later with the Hellions, which is also shown in this. Because Emma is cruel to the Hellions, even though she loves them, and in fact because she loved them. Her love for them and her agony over their deaths is what drives her to join the X-Men in the first place.  As for which origin story is true. . .I think the miniseries one is probably MOST true, as it’s the only one that Emma herself isn’t telling as a story. But as the friend who helped me assemble this list puts it, “ Think of any origin story of Emma's as "a sort of fairy tale, a parable," where it's the theme that matters, not the precise events or timeline “ 90s EMMA Emma spent most of the 90s teaching Generation X. I don’t remember a lot of stuff for specifically what I’m talking about with her, but here are a couple issues that strike me as significant. Uncanny X-Men (1st series) #311-314: In  Uncanny X-Men (1st series) #281-284, the Hellions were killed and Emma Frost was left in a coma, her body taken care of by the X-Men. This is when she wakes up, takes over Iceman’s body, and goes on a rampage thinking she’s the prisoner of the X-Men. When she finds out what happened to her Hellions, she collapses in despair and turns herself over to the X-Men. This is her turning point. This is when we found out Emma Frost had a soul. That she LOVED the Hellions. That they were not just tools. And there’s this one line in the yellow narrative boxes that really sticks out: “As the Hellfire Club’s White Queen, she spent the better part of her life traversing from one mind to another, violating the very essence of anyone she so chose. Losing herself in the memories of others. Altering, at times, the opinions of those who opposed her. This time is different. This time it is about survival. This time. . .it’s for the children.” The words are echoed when she agrees to join Krakoa's Quiet Council, after Charles and Erik tell her their plan and convince her it might just work. "One more time, then. For the children." Emma’s true love, in my opinion, isn’t Scott. Nor is it Namor. It’s teaching.  Emma becomes the teacher to Generation X, as mentioned, and in Generation X (1st series) #18-19, during the Onslaught crisis, she’s so terrified of losing them like she did the Hellions, that she snapped, took the kids to a safehouse in Canada, and put them under her telepathic control for their own safety. This is an Emma who has learned that abusing her students isn’t the right way, but still doesn’t respect their autonomy or consent even as she’s desperately trying to protect them, and has to learn from Monet (who is. . . .actually not Monet) that this isn’t the right way to do it either. Emma did not grow up with adult models who showed her how to love and care for a child, she has to figure it out herself, and it’s a rocky journey at times, even though she has the best of intentions. I think this is a good issue to show an Emma who is in the process of evolving. She’s getting better, but she still hasn’t got it “right” yet.  CURRENT-ERA EMMA Emma really becomes the Emma we know with Grant Morrison’s New X-Men in the early 2000s. This is where she starts affecting a British accent, calling everyone darling, and the delightfully witty Queen of Mean while also still a devoted teacher with trauma over losing her students. She always was witty and a little mean, but Morrison takes these traits up to 11 and gives Emma the foundation of what a lot of writers would build upon. It’s also when she begins her telepathic affair/seduction of Scott, which is a more than slightly problematic dynamic, as I’ve discussed. Also, this is when she got her now-famous diamond form.  We get a lot of lovely Emma nastiness in this series. New X-Men #128-139 all have lots of great moments for her where she’s just WICKED yet still on the side of the angels, and New X-Men Annual 2001 starts us off.  However, character-wise, I think what really comes out here is Emma going from blaming her past actions on substances (she tells Scott in the New X-Men Annual 2001 that she just probably out of her mind on drink and drugs all those times she was doing bad things) to being forced to face her past and herself for the first time when confronted by Jean & the Phoenix in New X-Men #139. It’s the first time we get a look at what Emma’s family and home life was like, as well as the first time she’s established as having a brother, but more than that is the emotion that gets brought in. This is also when Morrison decided to retcon the Hellfire Club as a strip joint (which I hate and also shows up in Emma’s “Origins” story) but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, Jean makes Emma face all her flaws and pain and nasty, most vulnerable parts of herself.  Emma is left mentally broken...then one page later, physically, shattered by a diamond bullet that we later find out was fired by none other than Esme, the Stepford Cuckoo whom Emma later says reminded her most of herself. There is definitely poetic symbolism there. As my friend put it “This cycle of her students dying and Emma losing it and trying again but never facing the roots of her issues goes on and on until her roots literally kill her, and Jean of all people resurrects her. Jean, who saw right through Emma, saw something there worth saving, and literally and metaphorically put her back together again.” The next place I’d go is Astonishing X-Men, which is the first time Emma and Kitty work together. Kitty HATES Emma at this point, because, as she points out, Emma is the villain in her origin story. And Emma KNOWS this. That’s why she WANTS Kitty there. She knew that Kitty would keep an eye on her, wouldn’t trust her, and that’s what Emma WANTS, because Emma doesn’t trust HERSELF. So this shows that Emma KNOWS her moral compass is a very flawed one, and that she WANTS to be better so consciously that she’s getting someone she knows doesn’t like or trust her to be around because she knows she’ll watch her like a HAWK. This also means Emma is admitting she can fail, and giving some control to someone else.  There’s. . . so much that happens from here. Utopia. Phoenix Five. The Terrigen Mists shit. Secret Empire. I feel like there are probably great Emma readlists out there that include these, but honestly I just kinda zoned out through a lot of it. These are some additional read lists for her I found: https://lornahs.tumblr.com/post/87230882649/where-to-start-reading-emma-frost-lets-start  https://www.reddit.com/r/comicbooks/comments/2bwwok/emma_frost_reading/  It’s definitely a LOT and I wish you the best of luck tackling it! Also, I wouldn’t feel you have to read EVERYTHING, or incorporate everything into your depiction. Pick and choose what you feel works best for your version!

[undertalethingies]

Serial Murderer

The first character you meet in Undertale introduces himself as “Flowey the flower”. It’s exactly the sort of cutesy name the mascots in these types of games often have.

And that’s who we expected him to be, the first time we saw him.

I think a lot of Undertale players forget, either because it’s been so long since our first playthrough or because we were spoiled, but the first time you meet Flowey, you’re taken in by his honeyed words and false smiles.

Toby Fox puts an absolutely insane amount of thought into naming his characters. While it’s less obvious for some, each and every one of Undertale’s names mean something, and a lot of them mean more than one thing.

Today I’m going to be talking about one of the most information dense sets of names in the game.

Asriel Dreemurr, AKA Flowey.

We’ll start with the name he chose for himself, since, to my awareness, it’s the less complicated of the two.

When given the opportunity to choose whatever name he wanted, he chose “Flowey”. While this is likely in part a callback to his father’s notorious lack of skill with names, it’s more complicated than just him naming himself the first descriptive word that came to mind. To start, “Flowey” is very specifically a descriptive term for his new form, and an automatic acknowledgment of the fact that he’s no longer quite who he used to be. In the same vein, I suspect that it’s also him attempting to distance himself from his former identity, due to seeing himself as weak, among other things. It’s also, as I mentioned previously, a very “cute” name. This likely has to do with the way Flowey likes to present himself as the gentle flower he appears to be at first glance. 

I could probably go into more depth, but that’s all I could think of for now.

Now, you know how I said Flowey was the less complex name? I meant it.

I suppose the first thing of note about “Asriel” is that it’s a portmanteau of Toriel and Asgore, another tick in the “Asgore can’t name for shit” column. His full name, Asriel Dreemurr, is an anagram of “serial murderer” which is certainly accurate. This also serves as an acknowledgement that however much he wishes it weren’t the case, Flowey is Asriel and Asriel is Flowey. 

Asriel is one way to spell the name of the angel of death in Christian mythology, which itself has multiple meanings. On the one hand, it’s more attention given to his disregard for the lives of others, and on another, Asriel is heavily implied, in game, to be the “angel” of the Delta Rune prophecy, both through his visual design and his actions. On yet another hand, (for those of us who happen to be aliens) an alternate interpretation of the Delta Rune prophecy is that the angel would come to “free” the monsters of their mortality, as it were, which Flowey is implied to have either done or attempted to do multiple times.

As for his last name, Dreemurr, a dreamer is usually considered to be a person who has difficulty facing reality. Asriel is shown many times throughout the game refusing to accept various truths, such as the death of his friend, Chara, and the faults in his “kill or be killed” philosophy.

Also also, Asriel, Chara, and Frisk’s names all have five letters and two syllables.

In conclusion, Toby Fox is an absolute madman, Undertale is a masterpiece, and the sky is blue.

[mk-wizard]

Optimus Primal: Analysis of a bot who achieved “Nirvana”

Hello. It’s been a while since I’ve done a Transformers article, so to make up for lost time, I am going to do one on a character who was not only famous for their various bodily transformations, but also their spiritual transformation. I am talking about Optimus Primal.

So to get started, what exactly is Optimus Primal besides a Maximal who shares a name and helmet style with Optimus Prime? If you’re thinking that he is the Maximal equivalent of Optimus Prime, you would be dead wrong. Despite his name and looks, Primal is a great hero by his own merit who achieved greatness through grit, hard work, self sacrifice and inner growth on his own and without standing even for a moment on the shoulders of any giant. If anything, he is the reason Optimus Prime lived to make his own legacy. To understand and appreciate all of this, one must delve deep into the life story of Optimus Primal.

In the beginning, Primal was an average ranking leader of an exploration ship called the Axalon and his mission was to observe and collect data on other planets and their life forms. He was intelligent, honourable and not above having a sense of humour. However, he can turn and be very stern. The fact that he was young and inexperienced also showed in how he would have slip ups like making bad decisions, making one too many speeches and even losing his temper. All the same, he was the type who would learn quickly from his mistakes and constantly grow. He is also a skilled fighter with guns, swords and he is shown to be a martial arts master of some kind. He also seems to be part of the air force hence having the ability to fly in robot mode.

One fateful day, he was tasked with following and apprehending Predacon Megatron who stole the golden disks. The pursuit led them to getting stranded on prehistoric Earth though at the time, neither faction was aware that this was Earth yet because it was so different from the Earth they were informed of in the history books. At first, Primal chose a gorilla as his alt mode which proved to be one of the most useful beast alt modes in the series. As the Beast Wars (though here in Canada, the series was called “Beasties” for some reason) progressed and after several encounters with some mysterious aliens who intended to destroy prehistoric Earth, Optimus Primal unintentionally sacrificed himself to save the planet, Maximals and most of the Predacons. In the aftermath, the planet was changed and everyone could now see that they were on prehistoric Earth and with time, Primal was restored to life by having his spark transferred to an transmetal body. He could still transform into a gorilla though now he could fly even in his beast mode as he now had a hoverboard similar to the Silver Surfer’s.

During the second half of the war, the series became progressively darker and Megatron’s deeds became more sinister if not homicidal as he was now not above killing his own and even going as far as attempting to kill a comatose Optimus Prime in the Ark after he discovered it. Primal also clearly lost a lot of his innocence as he became less optimistic, more tense and while his honour remained intact, his hesitance to fight with full force with gone. In order to save Optimus Prime, he temporarily held his spark into his own body though holding the spark of a Prime had side effects on his own spark and body. Primal underwent a powerful change of which he became a giant quadruple changer, his firepower was at its peak and it can be theorized that a part of Optimus Prime’s divine connection to Vector Sigma was transferred to him.

In this new powerful form and now gaining clarity on the severity of the situation, Primal was more motivated than ever to defeat Megatron and return to Cybertron so history could no longer be tampered with. And while he did succeed at defeating Megatron who also underwent his own upgrade after exposing his own spark to the spark of the Decepticon Megatron, this victory was not without a price. When the Maximals returned to Cybertron, Predacon Megatron managed to take over the planet forming a new faction of mindless drones known as Vehicons which he controlled through a cybernetic psychic link, and in the process, wiped out the memories of the Maximal team and reduced them back to their beast forms’ lowest level.

Luckily, Primal managed to gather his team and find Vector Sigma and the entity/program known as the Oracle which purified them and gave them new upgraded techorganic forms which they all retained for the entire run of the Beast Machines series. At this point, Primal was no longer a naive mech of science and had become very hardened as well as fanatical without how he believed the Oracle was guiding him towards wiping out all technological life on Cybertron which also put him at odds with Cheetour who used to look up to him. After the devastating loss of Rhinox who was reprogrammed into the evil Tankor, Primal fell into a depression which affected him on both a physical and spiritual level, but he was brought to his senses after speaking to the spirit of a now purified Rhinox and with the support of his team. He now also realised the Oracle wasn’t guiding him towards eliminating technology. It was guiding him towards finding a balance between technological and organic life. With this new mindset, Primal stayed on this spiritual path though he now handled it with a cool head and a more enlightened tone until the final face off with Megatron. In the final face off, Primal sacrificed himself by plunging himself and Megatron into Cybertron’s core allowing the entire planet itself to transform for the better into a technorganic state and also reawaken the entire population. While the heroic deed did cost Primal his life, his spark was at peace as it joined the Allspark and it is hinted that he became something even more in this state.

Since his time in the Beast Wars and Beast Machines CGI cartoons, Primal has made some appearances in the comics, several Japanese mangas and animes, and may make a debut in the final season of War for Cybertron.

Out of all of the character in the Transformers lore, I find Primal is the one who had the most growing up to do and he not only did grow up, he stepped out of a large shadow he didn’t even know he was in and became something amazing. He is also one of the few heroes who I initially didn’t like. And even now, I didn’t like the naive, long winded immature person Primal was initially as he did feel like someone who was copying Optimus Prime, but as he grew up and dropped the naivety, my feelings towards him changed (pardon the pun). By the time Beast Machines rolled around, I outright loved him and I loved his newfound spiritual Buddha like approach. He found his own identity and it was inspiring. It was also this version of Primal that convinced me to look at the Transformers as being more than just machines. Showing that they had a religion, a culture and more made me see the Transformers in a new light that stayed with me for life.

I admit he is not like Optimus Prime, but in his defense, you simply cannot compare the two to each other because they are so different and their journeys were different. Prime’s war was more political and social, and he was much older and wiser. Primal was really just a young scientist who was asked to do a job though circumstances dragged him into a battle. With time, that battle became a rebellion. And also, Prime and Primal’s personalities are just vastly different. The very point of each of them is that they are not like each other and that is something to be celebrated not scorned. Optimus Prime was the leader for the team, era and war of his time and Optimus Primal was the leader for the time, era and war of his.

My overall analysis is that I can see why people are not initially endeared by Primal as I myself was one of these fans who wasn’t, but as his life experiences mature him, you fall deeply in love with the person he becomes and I think that was the point of him. I think that the writers purposely made him to rub you the wrong way because he was so immature and I think that makes him a cleverly written character. And also relatable. I’m sure by many people’s standards, we weren’t as likeable when we were immature and had a tendency to talk too much and not listen enough. Perhaps Primal could be seen as a Transformers character who embodies a metaphor for how growing up and gaining wisdom can change a person.

With all that said, Beast Wars and Beast Machine is worth watching thanks to Primal if not for the story, to at least see the journey of Optimus Primal, but that is all my opinion. What is yours?

If you have a Transformers theory or character analysis you want explored, please let me know in my ask box. And please, support me through Patreon or Ko-fi if you want me to make Transformers merch and videos. Or if you want a commission of your favourite bot, let me know in my shop. All links are on my profile page.

Thanks for reading and as always, stay safe.

[blue-angel-wings]

Bishop Drabble - take your times

18+ (because I got a little nasty for a brief moment hehe)

Characters: Bishop Losa x Reader (Y/N), basically all the Mayans briefly but mainly Angel, Coco, Gilly.

Summary: Reader is a single mum and close with the Mayans specifically Bishop, because they crushing on each other. And Emily Galindo being a bitch because I don’t like her 😊.

Warnings: Cursing, horny talks but not full blown smut, slight talk of injuries.

Word count: 3,768 it’s longer because I got carried away 😈

You had known the Mayans since you were little, although your Father wasn’t a patch he always helped them.

As a day job your Father owned a small car dealership and would often frequent Romero scrap and salvage for odd pieces to use on whatever new vehicle he was working on, but behind the calm face of a man who liked cars and bikes, was a trained assassin, murder for hire, hitman, whatever you wanted to call it. So over time your Dad did jobs for the Mayans. Through that they met you and whilst your Mother didn’t really like the Mayans knowing your family she had to admit it was useful always having a group of knights in shiny leather to hand.

Your father had been killed one a run with them when you were sixteen years old, and ever since then the club had take your Fathers place with you and your mother. She worked the bar sometimes and whilst you chose to work elsewhere you always attend the parties, well as much as you could whilst also being a single parent. At the age of eighteen you became a mother to a beautiful baby boy you lovingly named Rio. The guys were shocked but supportive and excited for the new little baby in their lives. The Dad of your son decided that a baby wouldn’t work for him so he ran. Not like you needed him.

Yours and Bishop’s relationship had only just started, you had been on a few dates but you spoke constantly and you may have slept with him on a few occasions, because who could resist a man like that. He had started to find you attractive once you showed up more. For your safety and now Rio’s your Mother kept you away from the guys until you were in your twenties, so when you turned twenty one and could legally drink you knew exactly where you were going to get wasted for the first time. The clubhouse.

Ever since Bishop saw you in a tiny black dress that made your body just look too good he knew we wanted you but stayed back not wanting to look like a perv who only dated girls half his age. He admired you for years, how you raised Rio somewhat alone, how you always helped the club without a complaint, how you deeply cared for the guys and he just couldn’t helped that he fell for you more and more.

But he was done waiting and at Rio’s eighth birthday party, whilst you stood there playing nice with the other parents from the prestigious school you sent Rio to, and whilst wearing jeans that Bishop swore were painted on, he asked you out.

You thanked the heavens he did because you were getting sick of the waiting game.

A few months had passed and although you had been on dates, Bishop was yet to ask you to be his. It was almost like he was still scared that you would reject him. During the day he was almost shy around you not saying much or interacting with you as much as you hoped almost like he feared he would say or do something wrong, but at night he’d have you shaking in ecstasy on a bed drenched with your arousal, whilst whispering the nastiest shit you’d ever heard.

You didn’t think too much about it you knew he loved you deep down he was just struggling to say it, he had no problem showing it through his actions and you saw the way he looked at you when he thought you weren’t looking. But saying the words that would make you his girl officially, he just couldn’t manage do that.

At Rio’s birthday he had been gifted a skate board. A small red plank of wood you swore would be the end of your son. And although Angel had also purchased a helmet to go with it, your son seemingly refused to wear it. He constantly rode it without the helmet no matter how much you asked him to, it was like he was allergic.

You had taken the board away once he started to show zero regard for himself and others. Swerving through people on the sidewalk was okay if it was quiet and people moved out the way in time, but once he started heading towards the roads without his helmet you called time on his little Tony Hawk phase.

A few weeks passed before he grew restless and bored without it. He had come looking for you with full safety gear on, helmet, knee pads, elbow pads and little gloves. And you cracked, you gave him back his death board and sent him on his way.

Rio’s school was just out of Santo Padre and about 45 mins away from your home, it was a bit of nuisance being so far from you but your son was smart, too smart. He had eidetic imagery or as some would say photographic memory. He had shown signs when he was little, about 4 or 5, when he was able to recall in perfect detail his toys as if they were still there in front of you. It was terrifying to you but when the doctor explained what it was you were stunned. Due to his abilities you sent him to a school that burned a whole in your pockets each month but was perfect for your little boy. He loved it, he excelled at all subjects aced every test and had a big group of friends that were surprisingly pleasant children.

The Mayans clubhouse was only twenty minutes away from Rio’s school. And when work had started to get busier, you couldn’t pick him up from school anymore. You generally finished worked at the boutique in town at 4:30 an hour after Rio had finished school, you hadn’t given him a key to the house out of fear he would lose it, so you suggested he’d ride his board to the clubhouse and then once you were done you would pick him up. It worked out great, the guys loved having him there and you got to see Bishop more.

The guys were just chilling at the club, the younger ones were playing poker and smoking whilst the elders were in templo.

‘What the fuck prospect!?’ Slamming his cards on the table in a frenzy, Coco practically threw his money at the chuckling Ezekiel who in return shook his head at the snipers antics.

‘Not a prospect anymore bro, imma patch now.’ He said smugly, pointing lazily at the patch on his kutte.

‘Keep taking my money and I will change that real quick.’ Coco was pissed, he owed Ez about $300 from just this afternoon alone.

At the front porch Angel and Gilly were working the yard when they heard the slight rattling of small wheels of the stones, lifting their heads just in time to see the arrival of Rio on his board. They had to admit when they purchased the board for him they were worried he’d be crap at it and give up, but we wasn’t. The guys sometimes rode behind him on their bikes just to watch his skate. It was mesmerising.

Happily finishing up their work, Angel nudged Gilly towards the clubhouse to tell the others of your son’s arrival.

‘Hey, Rio’s here.’ The larger man bellowed into the space causing the other Mayans to stop what they were doing and follow him out.

Outside Angel had Rio swinging from his neck, when Rio was around the Mayans he deliberately acted younger to get more attention, the guys didn’t do anything to stop him they enjoyed him acting all silly and somewhat babyish, it stopped the sad truth of him getting older right before their eyes from rising to the surface.

‘Hey little guy, how was the ride in?’ El presidente asked the boy whilst messing with his hair, that he spent hours getting perfect for school.

Bishop was closest to Rio, well joint with Angel. Rio saw Bishop as a father figure, much to your delight, and Angel as a brother figure.

‘It was okay, some car was following me really closely and honking at me.’ He pouted whilst spinning the wheels on his board.

The men perked up at the sound of somebody pestering the young boy.

‘ I don’t know why though, mama says I can ride in the road if I stay to the side out of the way with my helmet on.’ Rio didn’t seem to be upset, more worried he was defying your rules of riding his skateboard.

‘Well, what did the car look like?’ Creeper asked whilst blowing the smoke from his cigarette behind him, being mindful of the small child in front of him.

‘A black Lexus RX Hybrid, black tinted windows, driver was a middle aged male, bald, tattoos up his arms.....’ the boy rambled on, his memory working overtime. The guys stopped him mid way through not wanting him to worry himself with the stranger who was bothering him. They assured him he did nothing wrong and took him into clubhouse.

None of the other guys recognised description of the car or driver, but Ez did. He knew who was sat in the back of the vehicle, whilst they texted him and continued to call upon him every waking second of the day. He heard the sound of a car coming to a halt at the front of the scrap yard, he knew this was the car that was following Rio plus he saw the man Rio had described in great detail. He glanced at his phone to check if his suspicions were true. His screen was flooded with notifications of texts and calls, and some social media notifications, all from the same person.

Emily Galindo.

She had been contacting Ez, at first he didn’t mind the contact from his ex, he selfishly used to want the relationship to rekindle with the married woman, but now with Gabby in his life he didn’t, he wanted her gone. She nodded to his trailer, with a pleading look is her eyes he succumbed to her request, checked nobody was around and headed to his trailer.

‘Do you have any Capri-Suns i’m kinda thirsty?’ Rio asked, cheekily checking behind the bar for something to eat hoping one of guys would fulfil his request. Bishop smirked reached into the fridge round the corner and retrieved two orange Capri-Sun pouches and grasped the bag of Doritos they kept on top of the fridge for him to munch on as well.

‘How’s school going mate?’ Bishop genuinely enjoyed talking with Rio because he reminded him of you, he much like yourself, was so passionate even over the little things.

Bishop played with Rio’s discarded school tie, folding it neatly knowing you hated ironing it.

‘It was alright, we learning about dinosaurs in science which is cool cos I really like Jurassic park and I’m gonna ask mama later if we can watch it.’ Rio exclaimed loudly waving his hands around wildly. He continues to tell Bishop about school, avoiding telling him about the masses of homework that was set knowing the older man would tell him to do it and wouldn’t drop it until it was done. The conversation was interrupted by Angel who had just got finished on a call.

‘Hey Rio, your Mum just called saying she got caught up at work and won’t be picking up til 5.’ The oldest Reyes told the child who was seemingly unbothered by the change of plans, but the news had Bishop frowning, why didn’t you call him, you knew he didn’t have Templo today so he would have his phone on him?

‘Okay, can I go practice my kick flips out front?’ He asked the president.

‘Yeah sure, take one of guys to watch you incase you fall, and remember to map out where your skating with the cones.’

‘Yeah I think I can remember that.’ He teased the older man, by referencing his condition.

The guys had bought these little orange cones for him to use when he was skating in the yard so he didn’t get in the way of them working.

Bishop lightly shoved him in the direction of the door with a shake of his head, he needed to call you, the jealously he felt when you called Angel instead of him was growing unbearable. Was it Angel stretching out your tight little pussy each night? Was it Angel that had you screaming with his head between your legs? Was it Angel that you called Daddy? Was it Angel that had you making the most delicious moans?

No it wasn’t, it was Bishop.

So why weren’t you calling him?

It was 5:30 when you pulled up to the scrap yard to retrieve your child. You surveyed the grounds looking for Rio once you had parked. But when you were greeted with the noise of laughter, you opted to follow that. Turning off your car you headed to the front porch where a groaning Coco was laying on the floor clutching his arm. You walked over not too worried seeming as the sniper had sustained worse injuries than a scrape on the arm.

‘You okay there Coco baby?’

You squatted beside the man and glanced as the injury on his arm, there wasn’t more that’s a slight graze on his elbow however from he noises he was now making you’d think he’d been shot.

‘No! This piece of sh-‘ you clapped a hand over this mouth before he could finish once you realised that the giggling you heard earlier came from your son, who sat comfortably in Gilly’s lap at the bench a few feet away. Standing up, leaving Coco to get on with it, you walked over to your son to kiss his forehead.

‘You okay baby? School was good?’

‘Yeah it was good we are doing dinosaurs in science so I was wondering if I can watch Jurassic park tonight to learn more about T-rex’s, please? ‘ he pleaded with both hands clasped together.

‘Of course baby.’ You went to say more but you saw Bishop on the step, looking at you with an unreadable expression on his face.

You knew why though, in an attempt to push Bishop to ask you to his girl you messed with him a little by deliberately calling Angel instead of him to inform the guys of the change of plans. Normally you wouldn’t mess with the man who so clearly had control of the reigns in the relationship but you were sick of waiting, you wanted him and he wanted you, the hickies on your breasts and inner thighs confirming that.

You kissed Rio’s head and Gilly’s, once he jokingly pointed to his forehead, and headed towards Bishop. He turned without a word and heard towards the clubhouse, the guys waited a few minutes before following suit, not wanting to miss the potential start of your long awaited romance. Rio was left alone to skate outside after he said he wanted to practice a little more, Angel was happy to leave him out there alone knowing he could ride perfectly fine.

Bishop sat on a couch in the far corner and when you went to sit next to him he grasped your wrist and manoeuvred you onto his lap, well this is a good start you thought.

‘How was work?’ He asked whilst sneaking a peek at your cleavage that you pushed up slightly before you left work.

‘It was good, busy which is good. A little tired and my feet hurt.’ You answered, slightly wriggling your feet. Bishop caught on quickly, removing you shoes and and starting to rub your feet slightly, causing a slight moan to slip from your lips.

‘Y/N I want to ask you something.’

Here it comes, you acted calm almost ignorant to what he was saying but inside you were screaming.

‘I really like you and I love spending time with you, you make me feel like a little kid with his first crush. You’re my first thought in the morning and last thought at night. I wanna be with you always and forever, so i was won—‘

‘Hey!’

Bishop’s monologue was cut short by a small voice you recognised to be your son’s. Every head in the clubhouse turn so quickly you feared they all get whiplash.

Grabbing your shoes and placing them haphazardly on your feet you all but sprinted to the front porch, where the now female voice could be heard.

Running out you saw your son sat on the floor fighting back tears and Emily Galindo standing over him slightly. She obviously was leaving Ez’s trailer, because that’s what married women do, they meet with their ex’s in trailers behind their husband’s back.

‘Hey baby you okay, are you injured?’

You rushed to your sons side as well as Bishop, who carefully picks up Rio’s skate board that was currently sporting a large crack in the middle of the wood.

‘No, I’m okay mama.’ He whispered growing embarrassed at the crowd around him, his bottom lip started to tremble telling you that tears where only moments away. Bishop started brushing the hair off of Rio’s face to calm the young boy, he too knew Rio hated crying in front of crowds.

‘What happened sweetheart?’ You spoke quietly not wanting to blow up too much in front of your son, you’d had a long day at work and you didn’t have time for a confrontation today. You wanted this sorted so you can go back to Bishop and then go home.

‘He wasn’t watching where he was going!’ The blonde woman spoke, the venom in her voice unnecessary in this situation.

‘I wasn’t fucking talking to you!’ Apparently you did have time today. All heads snapped to you and Gilly managed to scoop Rio into his arms before you whipped yourself in front of the culprit of your son’s upset.

‘So that warrants you to push him!? A small, eight year old child!? Did you not see the cones hun? They are bright fucking orange, maybe if you lifted your head of your ex’s dick for a moment you would see my son skating out here.’ The guys were loving it, watching with smirks on their faces.

‘Somebody should’ve been watching him.’

‘Hah okay sweetheart.’ You scoffed, you worked in retail you could handle opportunists like Emily Galindo.

‘I’m hardly gonna take parenting advice from you, am I? Mrs Galindo.’ You emphasised her name in the hopes she’d remember her marriage and start acting like a wife.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Well you’re hardly mother of the year, not after your practically gave your son away to a terrorist.’ You weren’t backing down, gasps were heard throughout the yard, the hang-arounds emerging in the hopes of a fight.

‘Thats not fair, they were armed and I was terrified.’ She tried to reason with you, who would try to rationalise their son’s kidnapping?

‘See that’s the difference between you and me, Emily, see they would have to pry my son from my cold, dead hands.’

‘They were shooting people right in front of me!’

‘I’d let them shoot every motherfucking bitch in this town before they ever laid a hand on my child!’

You screamed in her face, women like Emily didn’t deserve the love or attention they received.

‘I just hope his four nannies that actually raise him coped alright during that time.’ That was it, the final straw. She raised her hand but you never cowered, she went to slap you but al she could do is try. You got there first taking the board from Bishop’s hands and slapping her in the stomach, so it’s not as obvious as a face injury, you didn’t fancy having the cartel on your ass.

She doubled over in pain and screamed, clutching her ribs. You didn’t hear a crack but you knew it mustn’t of ickled.

‘Ez take the whore back to her car, tell the driver the pain is due to her period that’s just started, and it’s nothing to worry about.’

Ez nodded and quickly moved Emily from the scene, not daring to speak a word incase he got the same treatment.

You spun around and thanked heavens that Gilly had taken Rio inside, although you knew the Mayan would be pissed that he missed the altercation.

‘Damn Mamas you got some claws!’ Taza was the first to break the silence, beaming at you and your display of violence. You pulled into his embrace and chuckled.

‘Yeah it was kinda hot seeing you all angry’

Of course Coco was the one to turn it into a dirty joke. All the guys gathered round you and starting joking about you joining UFC.

But one man was quiet, too quiet. Bishop was yet to move a muscle let alone say anything, you worried it was too much and that your outburst made him change his mind.

The guys followed your eyes to the president behind them.

‘Let’s go inside and check on Rio, yeah guys?’

Riz encouraged the guys to move, catching on that you needed a moment alone with their president.

‘Bishop I’m so sorry about that, I just freaked when I saw Rio on the floor, I know this probably fucks things up with Galindo. And I get it if you take back what you said inside, it’s just I—‘ you were stopped short by a pair of lips on yours, you took a few seconds or realise they were Bishop’s, you moved your lips in sync with his and after what felt like a lifetime you pulled away for air.

‘I guess I gotta make you mine to watch over you now. Can’t have to terrorising the streets with the this can I?’ He joked whilst holding up Rio’s now fully snapped board

‘You still wanna be with me after that?’

‘Yeah I do because I’m in love with you.’

You melted right there on the spot, you laughed a little at your previous panic.

He leant in close to whisper in your ear

‘Plus Coco was right, it was fucking hot.’

You groaned and palmed his chest playfully. You finally had it, a perfect little family, it was about time. You went back to kissing Bishop and at this moment nothing could go wrong.

‘Hey, my board! What the hell Mom!’

Taglist: @mayans-sauce @one-shot-plus-size

[runenc03]

Til the light goes out (and after) - part 1

Writing date: I started in October ‘20, got scared by the amount of personal issues I put into “the reader” and procrastinated. I eventually finished in January ‘21, lol.

Genre: Angst, I guess? But not too badly, it’s fine.

Warnings: Insecurity (to everyone reading this, you are worthy!!)

Word count: 3.6k words

---------------------------------------------

"I remember when I reached the age of 25 and I had this jarring quarter-life crisis. I felt like I wasn't at all where I wanted to be: I wanted to be deeply in love and almost married to my soulmate. (...) I also wanted to be a publishing author. Yet I was single, and had never put a book together, even after writing hundreds of poems, journal entries, and essays in my life. I felt like I was just wasting my time, and that felt terrifying. That was three years ago. I look back at that time in my early to mid twenties so differently now. I see many beautiful poems written. Deep conversations with cherished friends. Night walks, early morning walks. Dinners with my family and birthdays, going around the table saying what we love about each other. (...) None of it was wasted. It was beautiful, and the life I had lived was so meaningful and precious. I wish I could go back, and tell myself that, so the younger me could appreciate each moment, rather than comparing where she was to where she wanted to be."

~Katherine Cimorelli Straneva

-----------------------------♡--------------------------

"I think Miss Swann over there should have the role."

Your hands stopped their movements to free you from your pirate costume, and you looked up. Your entire group of colleagues was staring at you, expectantly.

You see, you worked at a theme park, and it was just about the most amazing job ever. Every holiday period, it opened its gates, ready to shower people of all ages in everything magical. You were part of the actors crew, which basically meant that you acted out entire stories at fixed intervals and filled the rest of your time with walking around the theme park in costumes, doing small acts on your way. Often you ended up improvising, dancing with your guests, and of course posing for pictures. If you could, you would live in the theme park. Really, there was just something so entrancing about the atmosphere there, the music coming out of the lanterns beside all the roads, the roller coasters, the beautifully decorated buildings. A big part of the magic was because of the work you and your crew put into your characters and its stories though, you shouldn't underestimate that, which was exactly the reason you weren't too keen on taking the lead role in your next story. The pressure to create the biggest part of the magic was something you didn't know you could handle.

"I'm...not too sure about that. Ariel always plays the lead role, why shouldn't she now? I've never even done a lead role."

'Ariel' was one of your colleagues you were probably the closest with. She was funny, kind, and seemingly good at everything she did, acting included. Her real name wasn't Ariel, but you never called each other by your real names. It was like a tradition within your crew to call everyone by the name of the character they were currently playing. Seeing as she had had the lead role in your newest play, a crossover between Pirates of the Caribbean and The Little Mermaid, her name had been Ariel for the past two weeks, and yours had been Elizabeth.

Your friend wriggled herself out of her tail, her eyes still on you. A smirk was playing around her mouth, and your stomach gave a swirl. She had actually meant it when she proposed to give you the lead role.

"Because, dear Elizabeth, you wrote the play, and you did so beautifully! Your talent is ridiculous, and I think the entire thing is going to come across as much more honest if you play the biggest part in your own story. Isn't that logical?"

The other members of your crew nodded in agreement, and while you couldn't help but smile at their faith in you, the nerves in your stomach grew. You started to untie the laces of your pirate boots as you voiced your concerns.

"I'm not too sure about that. It's a love story, remember?"

The grinning on Ariel's face turned into a warm smile, but her eyes showed determination, and at that point you knew that you had lost this particular battle.

"I remember, and I also remember that you're the biggest romantic out of all of us. Come on, we all know you're going to be fantastic."

Another colleague of yours spoke up, telling you that he'd been in awe of the script you'd written, and another joined, claiming she'd even cried a little at the end. Your doubts slowly folded themselves back up again.

"The story belongs in this place, just like the lead role belongs to you, Elizabeth."

The words were spoken by the most timid guy in your crew. He never talked in your plays but provided the music in them, and even though he was terrific at adding that extra touch of magic to your stories, he never contributed to conversations about their content. You thought he just didn't really mind, as long as he could play his music. If he was willing to speak out loud about it, it must mean you really were meant to follow your crew's judgement.

You smiled, a blush blossoming on your cheeks, and you knew your eyes twinkled when you finally gave in.

"I'll do it."

_______________________________________

"Hey!"

You plopped down next to the music guy in your group, feeling extra cheerful today. You would start rehearsing the piece you had written today, and now that you'd been able to get over the initial insecurities you'd had, you felt really excited about this first rehearsal.

"Good morning, Jade."

You grinned at your brand new name, rummaging through your bag. Tossing aside a water bottle and some elastic bands, you found what you were looking for. Your eyes scanned over the words, making sure you had taken the right document out of the stack you had brought with you, before stretching out your arm in the direction of the music guy. He looked in your direction questioningly. Your grin turned into a warm, although somewhat insecure smile.

"If you're okay with it, your name is Sam from now on."

He read your script in silence, a small smile appearing on his face.

"Who says I can even act?"

"Who said I was able to play the lead role of my own story?"

He threw his head back in laughter, and you watched, surprised you were able to get such an exuberant reaction out of him.

Your alarm chose that exact moment to go off, the bright letters "START REHEARSAL" instantly reforming the knot in your stomach. You frowned at yourself. Weren't you over it by now? It was time to start the whole thing and you were still nervous, for God's sake.

"Hey, you'll be fine. Even better, you get to kiss the guy everyone wants to marry. You should relax more, maybe you can enjoy acting again then."

You tore your eyes away from your phone and onto Sam's face. His comment didn't help at all, and your face must have shown it, because his eyes went from warm to panicked, and your guilt punched the knot of nerves in your stomach. What a mess you'd made of all of this, already. You managed to send a tired smile in his direction, trying to salvage as much as you could from whatever it had been that had made him open up to you a bit.

"Thanks for trying to calm me, really it means a lot. I think I'll calm down once this rehearsal is over though. Are you ready? You're in the scene I want to start the rehearsal with."

He nodded again, awkwardly showing you the flute he was holding, and followed you to the middle of the room where you beckoned everyone to come join you so you could start.

Taking one last deep breath, you started.

"Hi everyone! As you know, we're starting our rehearsals for my story today. If everything went well, you've all received the script for the character you're playing. I actually wanted to start with one of the last scenes,..."

Everyone nodded at you encouragingly throughout your little speech, and as you realised that these were all your friends who genuinely cared about you, you felt the knot in your stomach slowly untie itself.

The first scene you rehearsed was actually the ultimate confrontation between the good and the bad in your story. Your friend Ariel, whose name was now Ruby, played the villain in your story, and you played Jade, the lead character. This scene basically consisted of the fight between Ruby and the main character's love interest, Dante. The story situated itself in the medieval times. Dante had come to Ruby's tower to rescue Jade, who he believed was kidnapped by Ruby, but upon arriving, he - and the park's visitors - would discover that Jade wasn't actually kidnapped and Ruby had made it all up. Then, Jade would realise everything just in time to go up to Ruby's tower as well and rescue Dante, instead of the other way around. What could you say? You'd always been a feminist at heart. Dante was played by a great friend of yours, and you'd actually written this piece thinking he could play the male love interest, while Ariel would play the female lead role, but things had, evidently, taken a turn. The two of them had been friends way longer than you'd been friends with any of them, and even though the three of you were really close, you couldn't help but marvel at the chemistry the two of them had, something you and Dante would very much lack, or at least that's what your insecurities made you believe.

However, you didn't want to rewrite the entire thing just so you wouldn't have to play each other's love interest, and you had showed the script, including the initial cast, to everyone anyway, so it wasn't really something you could get out of without a whole lot of awkwardness.

The rehearsal started off well enough. Ruby was, as you'd expected, really, a brilliant villain, and apart from some minor corrections from you, everyone executed the script exactly the way you had in mind. You were starting to believe in this.

That was, until the very end of the play, in which Jade and Dante would get all cute because of the whole we-just-survived-a-villain-attack-and-thought-we'd-lost-each-other situation. You thought you'd mentally prepared yourself, really, you had, but apparently it hadn't been enough. The awkward tension was palpable, your own movements, usually so fluent, were now stiff, your rigid body seemingly forgetting how your limbs worked. No one said anything about it, but you felt it and you know the others did too.

And you tried to pull out of that awkward moment, tried to chase your insecurities away, you really did, but they seemed to cling to you, and the longer it lasted, the worse your mood became. When you almost fell off of the stage because you'd instinctively set a step backwards when Dante had tried to pull you into his arms, you knew you couldn't continue like this.

Hastily, you grabbed your jacket, quickly telling everyone you would have a 15-minute break and that they'd done a good job, before hurriedly walking out of the building, and into the cold.

_______________________________________

The wind quickened your tears, and you angrily wiped them away before they could hit your neck, mad at yourself for allowing them to fall down. You knew you'd had to get back inside your rehearsal room eventually, and while everyone had a good image of what you were doing, you weren't looking forward to letting them see the evidence.

Most of all though, you felt vulnerable. Vulnerable because you had failed, and because everyone had witnessed you doing it. Vulnerable because your biggest insecurities had just come true.

"Hey, what is up with you?"

You looked up, watching as Ruby flopped herself down on the bench you were sitting on, turning herself so she was completely facing you. She wore an expression of confusion, and worry.

You let go of your eye contact, your eyes drilling holes in the soil beneath your feet. You owed her the truth. In fact, you owed your entire crew the truth. Being completely honest with yourself, you knew that was the only way this play would end up being a success. You took a deep breath.

"I'm just....not equipped to play Dante's love interest."

You couldn't look at her, too ashamed, but her voice conveyed honest surprise, which, in turn, made you surprised. Didn't she realise how obvious it all was?

"What are you talking about? You were fine until you had to reunite with Dante, and if you didn't like physical contact or if you were extremely hesitant for anything romantic, I'd agree with you and say you should probably focus on roles you are very good at, but you, you're a hopeless romantic at heart, and you like physical contact. Why is it so difficult then? I'm not making fun of you, I genuinely don't understand."

You scoffed, too caught up in your own head, annoyed at her lack of understanding.

"How can you not? I've never had a boyfriend, and that explains everything. Don't you see? It's not that I don't want to play a character that's in love, and I'm sure that if I managed to calm down I'd even enjoy it, but whenever I come close to Dante I feel like "forever single" is practically inked on my forehead."

You had, by now, managed to look at your friend, your annoyance chasing away a bit of the previous insecurity and shame. Her face morphed into a look of understanding, and you didn't know if that made you feel better of worse.

"I know it's a bit intimidating to play Dante's love interest, and I know that, like, everyone wants to date him, or at least gushes about how good-looking he is, but that doesn't mean that you can't play his love interest. Stop thinking you're too ugly to be around beautiful people."

If you hadn't been feeling so terrible, you might have literally facepalmed. Maybe you should've seen this coming, but Dante being known as the Adonis of your group really was the least of your worries.

"Wait...what? No, this has nothing to do with him being attractive, you know he and I are only friends. In fact, I think you would be great as his girlfriend, I would totally ship that. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that he's just a friend and it's not about playing his love interest, it's about playing someone's love interest in general. I just...what if it looks completely stupid? I know it looked stupid now. I can imagine all these cute things in my head, but then when I have to execute them, the only thing I can think about is that no one wants to do this with me in real life, and that just...I don't know. You all one by one find the love of your lives, or at least good partners you're happy and in love with, and it...it just makes me wonder if I'll ever be good enough to have that myself, as well."

"Oh, honey..."

You felt Ruby's arm wrap around you, her hand stroking your back, and you eyes filled themselves with tears again. She wasn't a physical person and therefore didn't like touching people, but she did now for you because she knew that you were. The tears started falling again.

"I mean, I knew you were ready to have a boyfriend, or like, to commit to someone and be in love with them, but I didn't know you were so insecure about not being in a relationship, and now I wish I'd realised that earlier. But you have to realise that while you're insecure now because you think no one is going to want you, you're going to be insecure about not deserving a boyfriend when you have one. Trust me, the insecurities don't go away, they just change. I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't wait for that moment that you're someone's girlfriend, the insecurities aren't going to magically disappear then. Now's the time to work on them. And, this shouldn't matter, but for the record: I fully believe that you are very worthy of being someone's girlfriend, and when the right person comes along, you'll give your all, because that's who you are, and it'll go a lot better than most of the relationships you wish to have yourself now. For now though, just have fun. You get to kiss Dante and make lots of bratty girls jealous!"

You chuckled at her attempt to cheer you up. You were really grateful for her. The two of you were complete opposites, and her radiance sometimes made you insecure, but right now, with her words, you believed yourself a worthy person again, and that meant more than you could express.

"That's what Sam said, too."

Ruby's eyebrows went up at lightning speed, her eyes wide.

"Wait, he talks? And he told you you'd be a good girlfriend?"

You rolled your eyes, but also noted how you had to fight the blush off of your cheeks.

"No, dummie, he told me I'd be able to kiss the guy - and I quote - everyone wants to marry. I guess he's not wrong, a lot of female visitors do seem to want to faint whenever he includes them in improvs."

Your friend chuckled, and, her laugh being so infectious, you chuckled along with her. Then, when you didn't expect it, she jumped off of the bench, beckoning you to follow her. As she entered the rehearsal room, she yelled that you'd come with her, and as the rest of the group started cheering, you realised that that had been a good choice.

_______________________________________

"Dante, hold on, I'm coming!"

A few of your younger spectators started whispering excitedly as you stepped into view, quickly climbing a long, round staircase to get to platform on which Dante and Ruby were battling. You were busy concentrating on tripping and falling off of the stairs. That had happened once during your rehearsals, and if you hadn't still been in the lower half of the stairs and if Sam hadn't discarded his flute to catch you, you probably wouldn't have been able to play Jade. While that scenario would've actually sounded appealing a few weeks ago, you had to admit now that you loved playing the lead role in this play.

You threw yourself in the battle, pulling just about the bluntest sword out of its holder around your waist, and clashing with Ruby's. Needless to say, Ruby was no match for you and Dante together, and with a dramatic last breath of air - and a smirk only you and Dante could see from so high up - she fell backwards, tumbling down. This part had actually taken quite some organisational talent. Right in front of the platform you were battling on, there was the staircase, while there was some kind of wall behind the platform. Ruby always fell down behind the wall, where multiple thick layers of soft material made her fall softly and unharmed. The visitors, however, only saw her tumbling down the platform, which made for a very dramatic effect. Of course, Ruby, out of all people, loved it the most.

While the enthusiastic applause intensified, you and Dante fell into each other's arms. You separated a bit, and patiently waited as Dante pulled a lock of your hair behind your ear, something that was in the script. Then, he leaned down slightly, pulling you in for a small, but cute kiss. This wasn't your first time enacting the play, and so you'd gotten used to kissing Dante, and even though you both really didn't have romantic feelings for each other and this was only just a play, you found that the enthusiasm during that kiss from both the kids and adults who were watching, had cured a lot of your insecurities over time.

Hand in hand, you walked down the stairs. Beneath you, the crowd started cheering again, and Dante squeezed your hand, smiling at you. You knew he was congratulating you for once again bringing the play to a successful end. Every time the two of you walked down those stairs, he did it, and every time, you were really grateful.

Once down, your entire crew formed a line, taking each others hands to make a collective bow. You were already holding Dante's, and reached with your other hand to Ruby, but to your surprise, Ruby completely dodged it and went to stand next to Dante on his other side. You were about to grin, your hopes at getting them together once more reviving, before Ruby looked at you and sent you a wink. You were puzzled for a second, until you felt your fingers being intertwined with someone else's, a warm, and, let's be honest, a bit of a clammy hand. Normally, your entire crew held hands with closer fingers, kind of a palm-to-palm thing, so this was a surprise. You were quick to turn your head, and looked straight into Sam's warm eyes. He flashed you a shy smile, and congratulated you on your performance. You smiled back, bowing down with the rest of your crew.

When you got home tonight, you wouldn't slip off your smile along with your costume, for you finally understood that you were just as worthy of a fairytale as all the princesses, goddesses and fairies you had played along the way.

[rainbow-scarab]

This is my take on Asgore (with a healthy side of Chara).

Obligatory disclaimer that you are free to have your own take, and I enjoy seeing other takes! In the end he's just a fictional character, and people have all sorts of life experiences that lead them to different interpretations.

Also warnings for discussions of difficult subjects found in Undertale, such as suicide, guilt, grief, psychological trauma, death, war, genocide, etc.

Asgore rates pretty low on my scale of UT character morality XD Though I find him an interesting character.

Asgore has both good and bad points as anyone in UT. He's a gentle soul at heart who likes bringing joy to others. But he is very reluctant to wield responsibility. And I believe this inaction is what's behind most of his other negative points, especially when it comes to making decisions.

When Chara came to the Underground, there was renewed hope. Asgore called them "the future of humans and monsters". For a time they all were a happy family, Asgore, Toriel, Asriel, and Chara. Or mostly. Chara was a very troubled child.....

Chara and Asgore were close, as were the rest of the Dreemurrs to Chara. But I don't think they quite knew how to help Chara. Chara must have had such a horrible life among humans to hate them so much...and then just decide to leave where they would never return. They found a loving family, and loved monsterkind. But they were still quite disturbed and probably had a lot of self-hate, both for being human and for their problem behavior. Being designated "the future of humans and monsters", they may have felt a lot of pressure.....and took what actions they thought would help monsters. Already hating humans, and humans being the cause of the monsters' imprisonment underground, on top of the self-hate, killing themselves and going on to kill six more humans in pursuit of monster freedom would feel like the best way they could contribute to a family, and species, that they loved so dearly.

Though I don't think being designated "the future of humans and monsters", a symbol of hope to the kingdom, ended up being healthy for Chara, I don't blame Asgore for this. The kingdom really needed that hope. And the Dreemurrs themselves would have been overjoyed both for that species-wide hope, and for the place Chara had in their family. It would be near impossible to be able to guess what Chara would ultimately do. It seems Chara did not open up about what had happened to them to Toriel and Asgore, and only partially to Asriel. But I think they would have been able to provide an environment of love and support to help Chara heal had they been there longer.

(Check out this post for a thorough analysis of Chara. It talks about and give evidence for Chara and Asgore's relationship. Also explains the "Chara is the narrator" theory I'll reference later)

But once Chara and Asriel took action, and both died.....Asgore became enraged. He declared war on humanity, completely reversing tone from before. Toriel left, and Asgore was alone.

In the years that followed, Asgore's declaration was followed. Monsters had great prejudice towards humans, and the royal guard kept a lookout for humans. Humans would either be killed by the guard, or Asgore himself.But at least by the time we get to him....he doesn't seem to be angry with humanity. He doesn't pretend that he will try to be friendly with Frisk the same as he does with other monsters, but...he wants to be. And he will give Frisk all the time they need before their fight. Doesn't even seem to care if it's years down the line. He just won't let Frisk pass in the end.

Once you fight and defeat him, he expresses how much he hates all the stuff about war, and just wishes for everyone to be happy and hopeful again. And perhaps...it could all just be over, and Frisk could leave the Underground with his soul. (More on this later)

To me, Asgore's big flaw....is not his declaration of war. Though that is definitely bad. One does not just declare their intention to not just kill humans to free monsters, but to destroy all of humanity, while in a position of power and influence...for that to be dismissed as nothing.

But....he was also very angry, for a very understandable reason. And....at some point....that anger subsided. And yet, he continued on the same path.

To me Asgore's biggest flaw is that he avoids responsibility and making decisions. The only time he ever is shown to make a significant decision...is his declaration of war, and it took extreme emotion for that to happen. But once back to more reasonable levels of emotion, he wouldn't even take action to reverse his own declaration. He felt duty-bound to kill humans, or else they would lose hope. Mmm...I'm not sure if that's just what he was telling himself to avoid decision, and perhaps the feared consequences of changing course were overblown. More on this in a minute.

In the past, it was Asgore and Toriel ruling together, even if Asgore seemed to the be official one in charge. As far as I can tell, they worked well together. Toriel on most of the details of running a kingdom, and Asgore, keeping up the spirits of monsterkind. Once Toriel was gone....no one really replaced her role.

(pic from Alarm Clock dialog)

Asgore did not develop the skills to run things well, and did not find anyone to help as far as I can tell. Undyne became head of the Royal Guard sometime after Toriel left (Undyne does not recognize her when they meet), though it's possible the Royal Guard itself appoints their own leadership. At the very least, Asgore appointed Alphys into the long-vacant position of Royal Scientist.

Though as seen by this bit of dialog from one of the neutral endings, merely having people in official positions doesn't mean his role as king is supposed to be over. Proper oversight would have certain made the amalgamate situation different anyways.

(There's the question of Sans possible working for Asgore. But since there's no hard evidence that I know of for this, I'm not really using this in my analysis)

Asgore still wants to get help. I think...to be unburdened from some or all of his responsibilities. Even if he doesn't know much about who he's asking help from. Like Frisk.

Ambassador is a huge responsibility to place on a young kid. Granted, there aren't other human choices, and even a child with no political skill would be a great symbol to bring humans and monsters together. And this child is the one who just saved everyone pretty much. Okay, I’ll grant him that.

Once defeated in a neutral run, he asks Frisk to take his soul and head to the surface. He would pass on the fate of monsters and humanity to someone he knows nothing about, not even their name, only that they came and defeated him in battle. But perhaps he just was...tiring of even trying anymore. Perhaps he was filled with guilt and grief and just...didn't want to live anymore. Okay. Spare him, and he entertains the thought of living a peaceful life together as a family, before Flowey kills him.

If you complete a neutral ending, then go back and defeat Asgore again on a neutral route, you get some special extra dialog. On choosing to spare him, Flowey doesn't come as quickly to kill him. He thinks again of life as a family, before dismissing it as fantasy. He identifies you with Chara (for having hope), with the prophecy of the angel, and then asks you to find a way to free monsters without really giving you a choice. ...again, he knows nothing about Frisk, their name, where they come from...only that they would give them mercy. And yet he is willing to make them in charge of the fate of all monsters. He kills himself, offering his soul up (before Flowey destroys this possibility).

(Side note...this or my analysis do not have the message that suicide is avoiding responsibility. I analyze his stated motives. It's quite possible that he had additional feelings of guilt and grief that led him to chose this. Even if not, it can't and shouldn't be generalized for other suicides)

Asgore is so reluctant to act...not even in genocide will he do anything special to save his people.

When you reach Asgore, clearly he has not heeded the warning and absorbed the human souls. I considered that perhaps Alphys did not call as she hates phone calls. But... there's a Queen Alphys ending, an aborted genocide ending. In it she pushes aside her fears and steps up, saving her people, implied that she hides them in the True Lab. I think this Alphys would have called.

He even gets a second warning here. But...he still tries to reason his way through, and speak with kindness. He is promptly killed.

In addition to his reluctance towards taking action, the other half of why Asgore wouldn't change...is that he was afraid that the people would lose hope.

...but I agree with Toriel. Through Asgore's lack of leadership, and continuation of the anti-human policies that came about when he was angry...the hope in the future that Asgore gave his people was dark.

In reality, though Asgore didn't want his people to lose hope...he himself had already lost hope. Perhaps that's why he couldn't bring true hope to his people.

In the Queen Toriel neutral ending, Asgore and the six human souls are gone. Toriel has instated a new policy to treat humans as friends. The people's hopes have taken a blow....but I don't think all is lost. It is possible to have a new vision and policy going forward, without Asgore or hoping for humanity's destruction.

In the King Papyrus ending, things are not quite as bright. There's a new policy to treat humans on a case by case basis. Papyrus tries to keep everyone working and fed. Sans does...a lot of paperwork. Productivity is up. But.....things are really hard. Papyrus is a great candidate to keep people's hopes up, kinda like Asgore (...Sans functions like Toriel too taking care of a lot of the details lol). But the Underground has lost many of their most beloved in this ending.

Yes.....I don't think Asgore, despite having lost hope, was only a detriment to monsterkind. His presence still brought some hope to the people, and his death was something to be mourned. But the loss of Asgore and his vision forward is just one factor in the outcome. Ultimately, I think Asgore's fears were not very true. If he changed course, away from his declaration of war...the people would adjust.

....Through all this.......

There was still one person still filled with Asgore's original hopes.

Chara never forgot Asgore's words as they lay dying. Even though they didn't heed these words....Asgore was an important figure to them in life.

Chara sticks by you the entire game, giving narration. In a few parts of the game, they share their memories with you, like when they fell into the Underground and were found by Asriel. And.....

When you die....they relay Asgore's own words to you. A message of hope to keep you going. A message that repeats to you the entire game, as many times as you need it upon death. Determination...the will to keep living...the resolve to change fate.

When you reach Asgore...he sees it. Maybe it doesn't mean anything special. A child may be full of hope for many reasons. I just kinda...want to believe that the same message of hope he gave to Chara...encouraged Frisk to make it this far, and it shines through on their face.

Through Frisk, Asgore's hopes come back to him. It's come full circle. He believes in a bright future again. A future with both humans and monsters.

You meet Asgore at the very end of the game. You've known him all of five minutes before Flowey shows up, and the final battle begins. Perhaps this is why he didn't have time to grow beyond this. Maybe, once on the surface, he'll work on himself further. Or not, I dunno, he stayed the same for a long time. We don't know.

Honestly....in the course of writing this my perspective on Asgore has changed. I expected to mostly write about his flaws, and why I thought of him poorly. But I didn't want to be unfair. And well...in Undertale.... When you dig a little deeper, you can find so much more about them than your assumptions and initial impressions. That the whole beauty of the game.

While I still think that Asgore is one of the most flawed people in the game...he has his good points too. And those actually turns out to be pretty important. Stay determined ❤

Screencaps from the Undertale Text Project (the work of squishing many textboxes in one image done by me)

P.S. One of the funnier lines in the game to me:

Thank you for reading!

[obsessively-obsessed-fangirl]

The Rise of Skywalker was the downfall of Star Wars (MAJOR spoilers)

Oh, J.J. Abrams, I had high expectations for you. I trusted you with one of my most important things...And you absolutely destroyed it. After seeing both your contributions to Star Trek and Star Wars, all I can really say is that you may know how to start a story...but you sir, do not know how to finish it and it is my own fault in believing that you could.

Yes dear reader, I have just come back from watching the final installment of the series of Star Wars movies. I have just come home feeling out of sorts because The Rise of Skywalker wasn’t necessarily the worst movie I’ve ever seen, yet it wasn’t that great nor what I expected the final installment of a Star Wars movie to be. In fact, the only way I can describe it, is just OK, and as we know from my favorite TV commercial, just OK, is not OK.

Why were Finn and Poe even in this movie?

From what I hear, the actors who play Finn and Poe tried hard to play the characters as if they were in a romantic relationship, despite Disney’s specific instructions. I would have loved this! These two characters have amazing chemistry when they are around each other, but that’s not how the story played out, and that’s not exactly why I’m so upset with them. I’m upset because despite being part of the main trio of the current installment, Finn and Poe had no growth in this final movie, and at the end of the day, I can’t really say they had TONS of character development in the series. At least within the first two movies, Finn and Poe were given their individual “tasks” and started to grow towards their final selves ...yet in the final movie, they were constantly being sidelined and overshadowed by Rey and Ben. 

One example of this is the idea that Finn is force sensitive. Now we don’t know “for sure” if this is true or not because of a scene within TROS where Finn tries to tell Rey something but never gets the chance to. Now some, especially those who remember how Finn flirted with Rey in episode VII might believe that he was planning to say that he loved her, but according to the actor who plays Finn, John Boyega, he says that Finn was planning to tell her he was force sensitive. This would have been a great plot point for Rey and Finn’s friendship, yet we never saw ANY sign of this within TROS or the other installments of the current trilogy. In fact, J.J. Abrams instead chose to continually portray Finn as almost overly concerned about Rey in TROS, like he was leaving the option open for those who ship Finn and Rey. Along with this, we were also lead to believe there could be a possible romance between him and Rose, one of the characters introduced in Episode VIII. Now I love Rose on her own, I think she is absolutely fantastic. Yet in TROS we barely saw her and she said maybe 3 lines to Finn. Why create a budding friendship/relationship between Rose and Finn, to completely sideline it in the final movie?

Now, to be quite honest, I wasn’t a huge fan of Poe within this trilogy. He is definitely one of those “know-it-all” characters who needs to be taken down a few pegs (which Leia 100% does in episode VIII). But, I don’t think it’s totally fair to Poe or the actor who plays him, to give him the beginnings of a backstory in the final movie. At some point during the film, we learn that Poe used to work on a planet and royally angered a girl. OK, great, glad to hear he is more than just a resistance pilot, but this adds nothing to the story being told in TROS, and I’ll be quite honest, I don’t remember the name of his “girl who is a friend” or even what planet they were on. All of this seemingly important character information would have served the audience a lot better if had been introduced A LOT earlier, like in the second movie when we were actually learning about his headstrong and destructive character.

Rey is a Palpatine?

So I guess the question of who is Rey’s family finally gets answered. Yet, it makes absolutely no sense and was a huge plot point that was not set up well at all. Yeah, so we find out that Rey is the granddaughter of Emperor Palpatine and everyone pretty much knew about it except for her. Also, Palpatine somehow survived and is really been the one controlling Rey and Ben, not Snoke, who was killed by Rey and Ben in Episode VIII. Now I do not know if this was J.J. Abrams plan all along, or he felt that the story needed to change after the events in Episode VIII and Rian Johnson’s vision, but bringing back Palpatine and making him the big “villain” of TROS was so underwhelming and underdeveloped. 

TROS should have focused on Rey walling herself off from Kylo Ren after the events of episode VIII. As we saw during the film, her powers and the bond between Kylo and Rey were getting stronger to the point where they could manipulate items between each other and fight with lightsabers as if they were together. This should have been a huge problem for Rey as she battles with the idea of her going to the dark side, yet instead it just became a thing between them that they could do, where they just had the same conversation over and over again. 

Rey should have just been the daughter of nobodies. They should have left her as someone who had a calling, not the granddaughter of someone who had no purpose being in this movie. TROS should have focused on Rey resisting the pull of the dark side while Kylo Ren wrecks havoc as the new supreme leader. It should have been about the Rey battling Ben and pulling him away from Kylo Ren and back to the light. Not about her defeating someone who wasn’t part of her story until now.

Ben was finally redeemed and it was done poorly:

 Like with Rey, Palpatine served no purpose in Kylo Ren’s story. The whole point of episode VIII and of killing Snoke, was to show how Kylo Ren is no longer a puppet to anyone else. He is now his own master and in charge of his own choices (that of going to the dark side). Yes, he was conditioned by Snoke to listen to his darkness, but at the end of Episode VIII, it was about him CHOOSING the dark side, and TROS should have focused on this instead of making him a puppet to someone else.

While there were some good moments for Kylo/Ben within TROS, like when he is confronted by the memory of Han Solo, it wasn’t nearly enough. Ben had no interaction with Luke and only 0.1 seconds with Leia which really hurt to watch. While her death was absolutely pointless and really made no sense, it hurts even more to see how much it impacted Ben. We saw nothing of a relationship between him and his mother in any of the episodes. They were shown to be so far away from each other, that it really made no sense to see how much her death impacted him. If you were going to do this, give her a death that matters, and at least give to us after you show some development between Ben and Leia.

I was also extremely upset at how Ben was treated after he chooses the light side. When Ben chose to throw his lightsaber into the water, that should have been his welcome home in the eyes of the Jedi who came before him. They should have been there for Ben like they were for Rey during her battle with Palpatine. Along with this. Ben should have been there helping Rey to defeat him. Showing her she wasn’t alone, not on some rocks down below forced to wait until the battle was over. When he climbed back up to Rey after the battle, the force ghosts should have been there with him, helping him to bring Rey back to life. 

As some fans have noticed, Rey and Ben’s final moments together were shot very...off. As in, it looks like the events of Ben’s death were really shot in reverse and he wasn’t supposed to die. I’ve also seen that Daisy Ridley, Rey, was recently talking about the last scene of the movie. From certain reports, it seemed as if Ben was supposed to be there with her in the final shot. According to Ridley, the ending was supposed to be emotional and “tear worthy.” Yet, the ending wasn’t even close. Which once again leads me to believe that what we saw in the theater was not the original ending and instead was some last minute change that shows how much J.J. Abrams doesn’t care for Ben or his other characters.

Final thoughts on trash:

I could go on...and on…..and on about what bothered me in this movie because there is a lot that does (LANDO’S POINTLESS PRESENCE). But, in the end it really doesn’t matter. I know deep down that whatever happened with J.J. Abrams and the team behind TROS, that it wasn’t meant to be this way. Maybe it was Disney’s fault, maybe it was J.J. Abram’s fault ...I don’t know. All I do know, is that every character and every actor that was part of  Star Wars deserved far better things from Episode IX than they got. I’m so sad this is where we ended up and I’m so sad at how we got here. And all I can do now is hopefully move on and up.

[thejosh1980]

Don't you know that you're toxic?

I was in a toxic relationship...

In fact I have been in a few... But the last one is the one I can still remember in some detail...

The first few, well they were immature drunk and disorderly scenarios. They are not important in this story, other than you should be aware I was pretty repetitive towards my approach to relationships back then.

The story I would like tell is about the 7 year old relationship that ended in March 2019.

This particular relationship had the biggest effect on me, my well being, and my happiness. And even though I married an amazing woman earlier this year, that last relationship is still a reminder of the baggage I have held onto since my first relationship.

It's time I unloaded that baggage and shed my skin.... Even if it's just a little bit... You know, small steps...

So, lets call my ex “Grumpy”...

In fact that's a name an American girlfriend of a drummer of a band we were watching called her once in Germany, literally minutes after meeting her. I should have seen that red flag even back then...

Look, Grumpy isn't a bad person, deep down I think she means well... But she just hasn't been able to get past her past... She wont let go of any stubborn insecurities, learn new coping mechanisms, and she wont forgive herself, or you for that matter... At least that's what I've experienced with her.

It's like whenever things don't go her way, whenever she's frustrated or doesn't know how to cope, she'd revert back to a 14 year old girl, which is when she had troubles with her Mum.

I mean honestly, who didn't have troubled teenage years??

I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to feel pain about some significant event or trauma, but she surely can't hold it over my head and expect me to hang around, forever...

During our relationship, I explained to her, that when I went into therapy (which at the beginning she thankfully helped me do) I had no idea what to expect. But I knew I couldn't continue the way I was and expect a happy outcome.

It took a long time, but I processed many of the issues and events of my past, which in turn helped my current situation and had a positive effect on my future. I learned new ways on how to cope with current problems, insecurities and learn to take responsibility for my actions and choices in life...

I forgave my Dad for not being a good father. I understand, he just didn't know better and chose not to learn how later in life... It's no excuse but I find some comfort in knowing I wasn't the problem. These days, I can be comfortable in his presence, no longer hoping for the Dad I've always needed, but enjoy his company for what it is...

I forgave my sister for her misgivings. She's a tough cookie, and very jealous of me. I think she's very jealous of my relationship with Mum, but my sister hasn't taken responsibility for her actions, and therefore it will be a long road before I can trust her, but I'm totally OK with that. She has her problems, and they are not mine to take responsibility for, anymore.

My grandparents on both sides were hard work over the years. I thought it was my fault too! But really it was their lack of empathy and understanding that created an atmosphere of negativity. They had every opportunity to be a good example to an impressionable young me. Luckily I learned to forgive them, even if I didn't actually say that to them while they were still alive. I forgave them and myself for contributing to the escalation, rather than finding resolution.

Grumpy knew I did this (and more) in therapy, and refused to consider it.

Now in all fairness, I originally refused to entertain the idea of counseling too, as I had a negative experience in my younger days (just like Grumpy), but when I reached my first breakdown around 2014 in a foreign country, I knew I needed help and I asked...

You know, I know she's still hurting over her past...

How can I tell?

Because it's been 18 months since I broke up with her, and she continues to create drama, instead of “adulting” and talking to me about it.

She's had every opportunity to deal with these post break up problems we all have had to go through like an adult (you know, splitting up the household belongings etc), without fail each time she has deflected, ignored, created more drama, lied or done something else that shows me, she has not recognized her part in our story.

Let's face it, it takes 2 to tango...

I've come to realize she treated me the way she did during our relationship, because she took me for granted. She thought I'd never have the courage or strength to actually leave her. I sure proved her wrong, didn't I!!!

We started our relationship drunk, and continued like that for 2 or so years. Grumpy and I could drink a lot, and did... We both were a bit rounder then too! We were never fully honest with each other or ourselves. I would say, we probably should have just been a short term fling, because we both weren't ready for long term, but we dived in anyhow...

That journey got me here, and that's totally fine. I have no regrets...

In case you didn't know, I wasn't a very strong person back then. I had little self esteem, and little self worth. So it was easy for both of us to “beat on” each other verbally and not resolve any issues. That's easy to do when someone just can't listen without demeaning you, without taking your feelings and smashing them against the wall... I was always ALWAYS in trouble. She was too sometimes back then... We both were in trouble...

As time went on with my therapy I processed a lot of things, and became ready for long term... I also knew I wanted to move back home, down under, eventually. That would be a hard decision, with or without Grumpy. I just couldn't imagine piling on more stress on top of stress with that relationship. I came to realize there was no future there unless something changed. We had to listen to each other, we had to trust each other, we had to respect each other.

I know I am not perfect, but surely if I can forgive her for things, she could step my way a little... Couldn't she? Didn't she have the power to learn to forgive? I mean really forgive someone and love them for all their faults? Didn't she have the power to grow? Unfortunately she didn't... I knew she didn't process anything because she was bringing up stuff from 2 or 3 or 6 years ago...

When I sobered up and seriously got into therapy, I had no idea what road it would take me down... But after talking about all my family issues, social anxiety issues and depression, the last thing was Grumpy. It took almost 5 years to get to the point where I acknowledged I was unhappy, I realized I didn't trust her and I couldn't see a future with her...

I just couldn't talk to her anymore. We just didn't trust each other anymore... That's the point...

The day we broke up, I had written her a letter, and I read her this letter. I read out a letter I had spent weeks writing making sure my adult words were being used (because without the letter I knew I'd revert to something less mature and less communicative). I clearly stated after trying many times, trying for years to correct our problems, I had come to realize we couldn't go forward. I decided we would break up to save each other from unnecessary pain. I couldn't see any steps going in the right direction in our relationship anymore...

I loved her, but it just wasn't working out, and didn't show any signs of improving.

Her first words were “I knew it” with tears rolling down her face...

I didn't want to do it, but I made a choice... Based on the past, for the present, to better my future.

Honestly I don't know if she wanted to recognize any of those times I tried to talk to her. She didn't want to see the signs. When she got frustrated and yelled at me, and I sat quietly listened and did my best not to raise my voice back. When I tried to talk sense to her she'd react like I was talking crazy.

Maybe she was scared? After all, change is a scary thing.

I changed a lot in those years since I started therapy and stopped drinking, always hoping Grumpy would come my way a little... For several years I was a huge contributing factor to our fights, but as time went on and I learned and grew, I started to de-escalate those fights. (Which generally made things worse!).

Apparently she didn't get the memo...

And she continues to blame me for that mistrust, because that's the way it goes when you don't take responsibility for your actions... It's always someone else's fault... The world owes me...

Even though she's been in a committed relationship since the beginning of 2020, she still hasn't let go of any anger, hurt, or resentment towards me. Her actions clearly show she hasn't processed our relationship, start, middle, or end, and would prefer to block me or stop all communication with me, before dealing with herself. She'd prefer to tell everyone else how bad I was, what I owed her, what I did to her, than think about her actions and how they affected our relationship.

It's like history repeating itself... And I am finding freedom in the fact I am no longer a character in her story.

I'm quite sure she'll keep the narrative within her circle of friends to make her look good, and me bad. But I like my narrative more (who wouldn't?), I feel we both were a mess... We were having a negative affect on each other. How or why, isn't as important as learning that communication, trust, forgiveness and respect are the things that were missing...

In fact, I think she dislikes anyone who has shown personal growth... It scares her... I think she's comfortable in her denial... She blames her Mum or her grandma... She blames me... Not once had I ever heard in all her years of coming home from work, “Oh it was me...”, “I did something wrong...” or “I messed up, I better say sorry...”

So how could I stay with someone who didn't take any responsibility?? How can I love someone who doesn't say “sorry”?

I was heart broken during the time leading up to reading Grumpy that letter...

I went back and forth in my head, could I see a future??? But in the end I couldn't... The one thing I realize, that is so important in my relationships, is good ol' communication. We lost that, when we lost the trust... It all turned toxic... Manipulative.... Twisted...

I wish her all the happiness the world throws at her.

We all deserve happiness... But Grumpy, sometimes you gotta work at it...

I could spend my time blaming her for so much of it but in the end, it was down to me. I am the one master of my fate... Just as she is... Then and now...

Thanks for reading,

Josh

[perfeggso]

Noir (yutae)

Week III pt. 1

Tokyo – fall of 1983: Nakamoto Yuta is quickly rising in the ranks of one of Japan’s most notorious yakuza families, and he’s poised to climb even further if he can stop himself from being ruined by the pretty Korean boy who’s shown up out of nowhere.

Chapter 1  |  Chapter 2  |  Chapter 3  |  Chapter 4  |  Chapter 5  |  Chapter 6  |  Chapter 7  |  Chapter 8  |  Masterlist 

Glossary of Japanese words

Characters: Yuta x Taeyong + NCT ensemble, Twice J-line (for funsies)

Genres: Gang!AU, angst, smut, fluff, 1980s!AU

Warnings: graphic violence, swearing, minor character death, alcohol use, mentions of drugs, period-typical homophobia, xenophobia, BDSM

Rating: 18+

Length: 9.7k 

Every day at work since the night in the car with Yuta was torturous for Taeyong.  He found himself wishing he had just been left alone at the electronics shop in Akihabara but no – Yuta had to pluck him up and complicate an already complicated situation.  Maybe that was what Taeyong deserved for getting his hopes up and prying.  Yuta had been glum for the first couple of days and Taeyong thought he caught him trying to approach the topic a few times, but Yuta would either drop it before he even opened his mouth or else Taeyong would remove himself from Yuta’s presence.  Eventually, Yuta seemed to decide that the best way to handle what had transpired was to not handle it.  He went back to acting cordial and more or less professional, and Taeyong figured he should too even if he couldn’t always shake the memory of the humiliated tears which escaped his eyes that night.  

It had been four days when Taeyong found himself in a communal space at headquarters, sulking over a sour plum onigiri he’d bought for lunch at Lawson.  Doyoung, Jaehyun, Johnny, and Taeil were there with him, having a smoke break and waiting for orders from the Oyabun or from Yuta.  Well, all but Jaehyun, who was only there to distract himself from his studies.  Taeyong knew from the way he and Yuta had been acting that everyone probably suspected something – but no one asked.  

Johnny was talking to the others about some girl he was seeing while, in the corner, Doyoung was, as the only non-smoker, listening and practicing throwing a small knife into a corkboard.  Taeyong wasn’t really paying attention and was sitting in the opposite corner next to the open window so he could taste his food.  

“Taeyong!” yelled Johnny, clearly trying to knock Taeyong out of his stupor with some good cheer.  “You should come around to my place this evening.  I’m closed tonight so we can all get drunk and have a grand old time.  These guys will all be there, right?” The indicated guys nodded their heads.  “Unfortunately,” quipped Doyoung.  

“Right,” Johnny continued, “what do you say?”

Taeyong chewed his food slowly.  He didn’t have to think about what he’d do, he just felt like taking his time.  “I don’t think I can,” he explained, “I’m going somewhere with Yuta tonight.  For his project.”  

Johnny cocked his head, expression betraying concern.  “Well maybe you two can swing by after.  Just let me know if you decide to.”

“Alright.”

Taeyong felt like his general demeanor had brought down the rapport in the room that had existed during whatever bawdy story Johnny was in the midst of telling before.  The only sound for several beats was the THWACK of Doyoung’s knife lodging into its target.  Finally, Jaehyun spoke.  

“What are you two doing?” he asked Taeyong.  

“We’re going into Shinjuku to meet up with someone named Donghyuck who has contacts that might be helpful.  Do you know him?”                    

Taeil spluttered.  “Oh, you haven’t met Donghyuck yet?” he asked.  

Taeyong paused his chewing, wondering if there was something he should be aware of that might be concerning to him.  

“No,” he said, “is that a problem?”

Taeil laughed again, the dregs of his earlier outburst.  “Just be on your toes.  He’s a street kid, kind of like you were, but infinitely more obnoxious and he likes to test the new recruits.  You’ve got to establish dominance before he gets too much under your skin.  I know you don’t want to look like a little bitch in front of Yuta, yeah?”

“Oi!” Jaehyun warned Taeil with a quick glare.  “Maybe cool it with that.”

THWACK! Everyone turned their attention to Doyoung.  “That kid is Satan spawn,” he said coolly, going to retrieve his knife from where it was lodged.  

“Oh, you know you love him though,” Johnny jested, then turning his attention back to Taeyong.  “But don’t worry about it; he’s not even old enough to have a driver’s licence  – you can handle him.”

Taeyong just nodded.  

“I never said I didn’t love him, Johnny,” said Doyoung with a sly smile.  “I am a Satanist after all.”

“Oh, bullshit,” Taeil interjected.  “You just want to sound clever.”

***

That evening, Taeyong met Yuta at their pre-arranged spot below an elevated highway.  Yuta greeted Taeyong curtly – although Taeyong read some of the discomfort on the other man’s face more as guilt than contempt – and introduced Taeyong to the young man by his side.  

“Taeyong,” he said, “this is our associate, Donghyuck.  Donghyuck, Taeyong.”  

Donghyuck was slightly shorter than Yuta, with shaggy black hair and a round, jovial face.  He had a couple of Inagawa-kai themed tattoos on his neck and wrists and carried a baseball bat with him.  Must be a confident kid to get away with that, Taeyong figured.  

“I’ve been told to watch out for you,” said Taeyong by way of a greeting.

Donghyuck smirked.  “I have no idea why that would be,” he sing-songed.  “If those guys at headquarters can’t handle a shatei then I think that says more about them than it does about me.  Now,” he continued, grinding a foot into the gravel below him and clinking his bat against the ground, “shall we be on our way?”

They started under the overpass towards an area populated by office buildings and construction projects.  Since they were on the edges of Shinjuku, in a sort of no-man’s land between neighborhoods, there weren’t many people around and Taeyong wondered to himself what kind of weird stuff went on in the shadowy corners under the highway once the sun started to set like it was.  Mostly though, he just tried to avoid getting pooped on by the pigeons loitering above.  

“Where are we going?” Taeyong asked.  

“Donghyuck is our go-between for gaining information on the operations of other yakuza groups.  He knows the small-time gangs that do business with them informally, since that’s the world he was part of when we plucked him up,” Yuta explained.  “We’re going to go meet with one such gang in their hideout.”  

Taeyong nodded as they approached a wall of gray buildings.  “What does this have to do with Sana-san?” he asked.  

“That’s what we’re here to find out,” said Yuta, looking the closest to normal spirits that Taeyong had seen him in days – probably because he anticipated a big break in the investigation.  Taeyong thought Yuta might know more than he was letting on, but he was mostly just happy to feel some of the tension between them letting up.  Even if their interaction in Yuta’s car scarred Taeyong every time he laid eyes on the other man, he knew it was in his best interest to be personally liked by his greatest advocate.  

The three continued walking on the desolate sidewalk and, out of curiosity, Taeyong turned to Donghyuck, who had inched uncomfortably close to his side.  Taeyong chose to ignore that.

“You ever join the Bosozoku?” Taeyong asked, eyeing the baseball bat: a favorite of the biker gangs.

Donghyuck raised his eyes at Taeyong like he was an idiot.  “No!” he said.  “Besides, you think they’d take me?  Fucking fascists.”  

“I was just wondering about the bat,” explained Taeyong with an almost faraway laugh.  “One time I got beat up with one just like it.”  

“Oh yeah?” Donghyuck asked swinging the weapon around viscerally with an intense expression which reminded Taeyong of himself a few years earlier.  “Then you understand how I feel about Bosozoku.  I stole this baby from the leader of the Black Emperors!”

Donghyuck skipped out ahead of Taeyong and Yuta a few steps and turned around to walk backwards, holding the bat over his shoulders with one hand.  He reached into his pocket, rummaging around for something.  

“Speaking of stealing,” he said, pulling Taeyong’s wallet from his pocket, “you need to be more aware of your shit, kumi-san .”

Before Taeyong could make any words materialize to express his shock and irritation, Yuta spoke for him.  

“Hyuck,” he said, “that is wholly inappropriate.  I’m going to have to request that you give my partner his wallet back right now.”

Donghyuck threw the wallet at Taeyong with just enough warning for him to catch it, then turned the right way around.  Yuta sped up to catch his subordinate and place him in a playful walking headlock.

“That was very disrespectful to your elder,” he chided.  

Donghyuck faked a choking sound and spat on the sidewalk to his left, causing Yuta to let up off of him.  

“I’ve worked for you for longer,” he complained.  

“Damn, now I know why everyone warned me about you,” said Taeyong, replacing his wallet and patting himself to confirm the presence of his other possessions, having finally regained his voice.  “Brat.”

“Oi!” Donghyuck spun around, wielding his bat and only calming down when Yuta placed a hand on his shoulder and plucked the weapon from his hands.  Taeyong laughed and Donghyuck looked at his boss in disbelief.

“Your men are totally out of control, apparently!” he whined, and Yuta tutted, spinning Donghyuck around and recommencing in the direction of a large under-construction high rise.  He pulled Donghyuck into his side.  

“Now listen,” he began, “you certainly don’t get to tell me when to discipline my men.  Alright, shatei ?”    

Yuta let Donghyuck go as he nodded begrudgingly.  “Yes, Shategashira .”

“Good,” said Yuta.  “I’ll kick your ass if you try anything else.”

Taeyong barely registered the end of the interaction playing out in front of him because he was too busy trying to process the flow of blood he felt at the insinuation that he should be ‘disciplined.’  

They stopped before the chipped doorway of the high rise.  The structure seemed almost complete, but it was difficult to tell under the scaffolding.  

“Here??” asked Taeyong, growing more confused by the minute.  When he was a teenager he had sometimes messed around with his friends in rundown buildings and other sketchy locales, but never in an active construction site.  

Yuta nodded mildly and turned his attention to Donghyuck, handing him back his bat under the condition that he be good and control himself.  Donghyuck took the bat back with a pointed glare and went inside.  Yuta looked at Taeyong.  

“After you,” he directed.  

Taeyong followed Donghyuck up several dilapidated sets of stairs.  The interior of the building was about what would be expected; lots of brick, concrete, raw drywall, and exposed wiring.  Some of the walls were damp from unfinished plumbing and the farther they made their way up the stairs, the more convinced Taeyong became that this project had been abandoned for some reason.  

Finally, they came to a steel door which Donghyuck pushed them through, and then to an equally dank hallway that smelled of duckweed.  There was barely any light on account of it being dusk, and this fact made Taeyong’s skin prickle.    

“Last door on the right, Shategashira ,” Donghyuck instructed as Yuta moved past him down the hall.  Taeyong followed all the way until Yuta had entered the indicated room, at which point he felt something hard and rounded brushing against the back of his head.  He paused where he was just on the outside of the naked doorframe and put his hands up.  Looking to his side, he realized that Donghyuck was looking at him, smirking but angry seeming at the same time, and holding his bat up to Taeyong’s head as if teeing him up.  

“ Kumi-in ,” began Donghyuck, “this is strike two.  I thought you seemed soft.  And Yuta’s soft enough already.  If you want to survive together you need to be more aware, got it?”  

Taeyong nodded, trying not to seem too intimidated by someone four years his junior.  He heard Yuta yelling for them from inside the room.  

“Point taken,” he said.  “May I be on my way?”

Donghyuck nodded, bumping his bat lightly against Taeyong’s head for good measure before pulling it away.  

“Don’t let there be a strike three,” Taeyong heard Donghyuck say behind him as he entered the room.

Inside was an industrial attic of sorts with lots of metal beams, trash scattered over the floors, and a lightbulb hanging from the ceiling on a wire, illuminating three late teens to early twenties looking boys along with Yuta at a plastic table.  

“What kept you?” asked Yuta.  

“Haechan!” yelled the tallest of the boys, and Donghyuck approached the table with a sunshiny plump-cheeked grin.  What a contrast .  

“Sorry,” said Taeyong, eyes on the grimy floor.  “Also, Haechan?”

“Nickname,” Yuta explained.  “I think he uses it as a code name with his friends.”

“I see.”

“Who’s this guy?” asked one of the boys, almost yelling.

Yuta motioned towards Taeyong.  “Jisung, Jeno, Jaemin, this is my new associate, Taeyong.”

“Nice to meet you,” said Taeyong and the three boys, each of them tall and rail thin, bowed unenthusiastically and returned the greeting.  

“Yuta-san,” began the one in the middle.  He had a squarer face than the others and if the order of their introduction was anything to go by, he would have to be Jeno.  Taeyong wondered for a moment why they didn’t have to address Yuta by his title, but he figured it was because they didn’t technically work for the Inagawa-kai.  

“You need more information on this girl, right?  Sana-chan?”  Jeno held up a small black and white photo of the girl Taeyong and Yuta had stalked the other night, walking with an older man in a suit.

“That’s her,” Yuta confirmed.  

The boy on the far end of the table, Jaemin, leaned forward into the light.  “Listen, boss, I don’t think you’ll like what we have to tell you.”

Taeyong snuck a glance at Yuta’s face, feeling the nerves start to creep up on him, but Yuta’s expression remained completely placated; he showed no indication of worry and this calmed Taeyong down a bit.  Only a bit, though.  

“Please, just tell me whatever it is,” said Yuta openly.  “I’m sure I’ve dealt with worse.”  

“Okay,” Jisung began, “essentially, Yamaguchi is holding Ms. Minatozaki hostage.  They’ve got her working Miyazaki for cash as like, a sugar baby, but little does he know all the money he’s wiring his girl through shady Thai banks is really going right into the pockets of a yakuza clan.”

“We don’t know how she got mixed up with them,” explained Jeno, “but she is, and we’re pretty sure she’s doing it because they’ll hurt her if she doesn’t.”

Yamaguchi, Taeyong realized, would have to mean the Yamaguchi-gumi, only the largest criminal family in the country.  How did his situation just keep growing more and more outlandish?  Taeyong watched Yuta’s reaction and finally thought he caught a hardness seeping into his face.  

“Fuck, Yamaguchi,” Yuta practically snarled.  “Okay, this isn’t ideal but if we play it right and don’t allow them to catch wind of us, we could use this situation to our advantage.  Did you get this straight from them?

“Yeah,” Jaemin assured, “we heard it from our contacts in the Yamaguchi-gumi!  But listen, that’s why you need to make sure we have protection, because we’re really sticking our necks out for you and they might have more men but the Inagawa-kai owns Tokyo, so we expect you can manage to look out for us.”

“Oi, Jae, maybe you shouldn’t talk to a Shategashira like that,” warned Jisung.      

Jaemin whipped around to look at his friend.  “Listen, do we need to take this out to the roof or something?  Because I’m just trying to ensure our safety and since you’re not down with that, I might as well give your ass a preemptive beating.”

“Come on, guys, let’s not cause a disruption,” said Jeno, laughing awkwardly and placing a hand on each of his friends’ shoulders.  Then, he turned his attention to Yuta.  “We humbly implore you, sir.”  Still, Jaemin and Jisung continued arguing over him, that is, until Donghyuck slammed his bat on the ground with a resounding CLACK!

“Shut the fuck up, you guys!”  The three young men all froze, silence reclaiming the space around them.  Yuta’s face remained calm although Taeyong heard him let out an impatient sigh, and Taeyong himself had to suppress laughter.  He used to be just like these boys.  

Donghyuck continued.  “I’d appreciate if you didn’t embarrass me in front of my boss, thank you.”  He turned to Yuta.  “Please excuse them, Shategashira .”  

Yuta smirked.  “Perfectly alright,” he said.  “Jaemin-kun, I’m sympathetic to your concerns and I assure you that you will have ample protection from the Inagawa-kai be it from your friend, Donghyuck, Taeyong, or any of my men.  You are also welcome to use our headquarters and safehouses if need be.”

Jisung, Jeno, and Jaemin, let out a collective breath.  “Thank you very much, sir.”

“Of course,” said Yuta.  “We appreciate what you have done to help our mission, and I recognize that you did not have to.  That being said, I hope you will understand that protection comes with a certain level of surveillance.  With your proximity to our rivals, we have to be sure you can continue to be trusted.”

The three boys nodded nervously, exchanging reassuring looks with Donghyuck.  “We understand, sir,” confirmed Jeno.  

“Good,” said Yuta.  “Well, then.  Back to the matter at hand.”  

“Do you –” Taeyong began, cutting himself off when he noticed everyone staring at him.  They had probably forgotten he existed.  “Sorry, um, do you think this thing with Ms. Minatozaki and the Yamaguchi-gumi has anything to do with us?  With our plan?”

Yuta smiled, his first genuine smile that Taeyong had seen since their misunderstanding last week, and it caused a rush of pride to fill Taeyong.  

“That’s an excellent question, Taeyong,” said Yuta.  “Do you boys have any incite?”

Taeyong caught Jisung and Donghyuck sharing a brief, quizzical look.  

“Well, we can’t be sure unless we talk to someone higher up,” began Jisung, “but that’s certainly a likelihood.  I mean, they have their ways of finding things out just like you do, and I know they wouldn’t want you getting this deal.”

“My guess,” said Jaemin, “is that they’re going to blackmail their way into the meeting in a month and try to outmaneuver your Mitsubishi arrangement.  It would be a ballsy move since, like I said, you guys are much more powerful within the city, but Yamaguchi are nothing if not ballsy, wouldn’t you say?”  

“I’d imagine you’re correct,” said Yuta.  “That’s all for now, then.  Thank you again, you three.  Donghyuck?”

“Yes, Shategashira .”

“You stay with them.  Taeyong and I will be heading out.”

Donghyuck saluted and his three friends bowed, thanking Yuta for his consideration.

***  

“Starting to think like an investigator, I see,” remarked Yuta once he and Taeyong were back down on the street.  Taeyong started.  

“Oh, really?  I – I just thought it was an obvious question.  Sorry I interrupted.”

Yuta began to walk back in the direction they came and Taeyong followed.  “You didn’t interrupt,” he said with a sideways smile.  “No one was talking.  Besides, that was about to be my next question.  I’m just glad you’re starting to feel comfortable being involved.”

“Oh,” said Taeyong, not knowing what to say to that.  He felt tingly even though he now knew he wasn’t supposed to.  “Shategashira?”

“Mm?”

“Are you scared?”

Yuta laughed suddenly, making Taeyong jump and proving, at least, that his nerves were on edge.  “Scared?  There’s no use in being scared, Taeyong.  Although I wouldn’t fault anyone if they were.”  Yuta began walking once more.  They were just clearing the overpass highway.  “Are you?”

Taeyong thought for a moment.  He’d been in plenty of fights and dangerous situations, so he was used to threat.  If he was being honest, he wasn’t so much scared as he was consumed by a sense of dread.

“Not exactly,” Taeyong stated.  

Yuta repeated, “Not exactly.”  The lights of central Shibuya were slowly becoming visible – like an illuminated cargo ship on the sea at midnight.  Taeyong weighed the appropriateness of bringing up what had happened between them four days earlier, getting the sense that Yuta was still trying to ignore it and move on.  Taeyong felt like he needed closure, but Yuta began to speak before he could.  

“I’m sorry this happened to you Taeyong,” said Yuta.  Taeyong huffed.  He was getting a bit sick of the pity speech.  “No, listen for a minute.  I know this situation seems really crazy, but I’ve been doing this since I was fifteen; been around it my whole life.  I’ll handle anything that comes at me and anything that comes at you, alright? And I don’t underestimate you.  You’re smart, a quick learner, and you’ve got spark.  I know that because I’ve worked with people like you for a while now.”

“What people like me?” asked Taeyong.  “ Zainichi ?”      

“No, not just that,” Yuta clarified.  “People who’ve had to scrap just to exist.  That’s the exact type you want in this line of work.  That’s why I have confidence in you.  I know you can scrap.”

Yuta’s words soothed Taeyong, although he wanted to punch him at the same time.  He knew this wasn’t exactly flirty – more like, professional encouragement? – but Taeyong felt like he was being led on by all the compliments.  

“I see,” he said mildly.  “I will try to live up to that.”  

Yuta chuckled, exhausted by formal talk.  “Are you tired, Taeyong?”

“Not really, actually.”

Yuta smiled.  “Good, because I told Johnny we’d be joining.”  

***

There had been almost no one in the area until Taeyong and Yuta got closer to central Shibuya.  Almost.  Taeyong had noticed someone shortly after agreeing to accompany Yuta to Johnny’s place; a man dressed in dark clothes and walking a good ways behind Taeyong and Yuta.  He wasn’t doing anything in particular to call attention to himself, so Taeyong didn’t pay him any mind.  

He didn’t pay any mind either when he noticed the man entering Shibuya station after them.  The station handled millions of commuters every day, after all.  It was only when he and Yuta had boarded the Shibuya line and he spotted the same man in the next car over that Taeyong instinctively brushed his hand over the interior pocket of his leather jacket, where his gun was hidden.  Still, he assumed he was just being overly cautious.  Yuta didn’t like using his car if he didn’t have to because the plates could be tracked, but Taeyong found himself wishing for the false protection of being alone in a personal vehicle.  

“Akihabara-eki.  Please be cautious of the closing doors.”

The electronic woman’s voice rang through the train as Taeyong and Yuta descended onto the platform.  Taeyong glanced to his right, making a mental note that the same man was also getting off, and practically pulled Yuta towards the exit under the guise of trying not to get separated in the rush of passengers.  He heard Donghyuck’s voice in his head: “ don’t let there be a strike three .”  

Taeyong walked out ahead as he and Yuta started down Ameyokochō, passing food stalls and vendors of knock-off Nike sneakers.  

“You know how to get there, right Taeyong?”

“YeahIdo,” Taeyong huffed, and Yuta grabbed at his hand to pull him around, stopping them both in the middle of the busy pedestrian street.

“Taeyong,” said Yuta, “are you just that eager to have some fun, or is something the matter?”

Taeyong’s body was jittery with the impulse to move, and it only got infinitely worse when he caught a glimpse of the same dark-clothed man over Yuta’s shoulder.  

Taeyong yanked Yuta forward.

“Taeyong, what the fuck?” Yuta looked angry, eyes dark and brow knitted.  If he hadn’t been so scared, Taeyong might have found the expression attractive.  

“Shategashira, I’m very sure we’re being followed,” he explained, practically dragging both himself and Yuta through the crowd of evening revelers.

Yuta stole a glance behind them and confirmed Taeyong’s fear.  

“Shit,” he said, “I think that’s Yamaguchi.  Let’s go.”

Yuta took the lead this time, navigating their surroundings more efficiently than Taeyong had.  Yuta had Taeyong bend his knees as they walked, trying to disrupt their pursuer’s vantage point, and Taeyong silently cursed Yuta for feeling the need to dye his hair.  Finally, they came upon an alleyway they could use as a shortcut to Johnny’s bar, thinking they had managed to lose the man.  

“Here,” said Yuta, pointing to a dumpster about halfway down the alley.  “We need to hide behind this for a second, so he doesn’t see us when he passes.”

Taeyong, as designated lookout for Yuta during this whole operation, took it upon himself to peak out from their hiding spot in case something went wrong.  He watched as throngs of passers by ignored the alley, but none of them were the tall, dark-clad Yamaguchi agent.  Taeyong hadn’t been this nervous since high school, when every day he would return home for the day not knowing if there would be nationalist gang members waiting at his house to drag him away.  Still, back then if he could get enough distance between him and his attackers, he was probably safe.  Now, he knew for a fact, everyone who wanted to hurt him was carrying a gun.  Every cell of his body felt like it was trying to evaporate; the only things grounding him being the metal heft of the revolver in his hand and the outline of Yuta in his peripheral vision, sitting on the ground and pulling Taeyong down to earth like a heavy stone.

“Why didn’t we just stay in the crowd?  He couldn’t shoot that way,” asked Taeyong, voice uneven.  

“Because,” Yuta explained, “this is more direct and if he keeps on our trail, he keeps on our trail.  Better to get in a shootout with him here than guide him to all our colleagues and put them in danger too.  He might have associates ready to pounce when they know the location of Johnny’s place.  Just trust me on this.”

Taeyong sucked in a breath as he watched the man from Yamaguchi turn the corner down the alley.  He’d been able to see them the whole time.  

“Damnit!”

“We need to run,” said Yuta urgently.  “We can’t stay here and let him get closer and corner us.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Taeyong repeated, shaking and feeling fully gone as Yuta got to his feet next to him and the man stomped towards them.  

Yuta took his gun out and Taeyong heard the click of the safety coming off.  Yuta put a hand on Taeyong’s arm and looked him in the eyes, steady.  

“Remember, Taeyong,” he said, “no use in being scared.”  Yuta smiled his patented Cheshire Cat smile and with that was up and running before Taeyong could even think.  Taeyong followed instinctively, turning around after a moment to check the progress of their assailant.  His eyes went wide as the man slowed to pull something from his pocket – a gun, undoubtedly.  Taeyong stopped and steadied himself and his weapon just in time to catch the black shine of the handle showing from behind the man’s jacket.  No strike three, no strike three, no strike three!  

“ Shategashira , look out!”

BLAM!

Taeyong stumbled half a step back, panting and letting the weight of the gun pull his hands down to his thighs.  

“Holy shit…” he said, absently.  The Yamaguchi member was a few yards from him and Yuta; where he’d been when Taeyong fired, struggling simultaneously to pull his collapsed right knee from the concrete and to pick up the gun he had lost his grip on when Taeyong shot him.  Blood was seeping, dark and thick, from an open gash over his kneecap.  

Taeyong watched as Yuta passed by his right shoulder, striding with brutal grace to the now pathetic man who had given Taeyong the fright of his life just a minute ago.  He kicked the gun away before the man could get to it and then crouched on the ground next to him, holding a pistol to his head at point-blank range.  Yuta looked pissed, but in a way that Taeyong had never seen before, like he could have skinned the guy alive and enjoyed it.  

“Oi!  What’s your name?  What’s your position in the Yamaguchi-gumi?  Are there others with you?” demanded Yuta.  

“I’m not telling you anything, you, you fucker,” the man barely managed to get out with his ragged voice.  “God damnit.”  

Yuta stood back up and put his foot on the man’s thigh, just above his injured knee, pushing down.  The man howled and Taeyong’s stomach churned at the horrifying scene.  

“Hurts, doesn’t it?” asked Yuta, laughing mirthlessly.  “I know what you guys are up to.  Seems foolish to try starting a gang war after such successful coexistence, but your leader’s always been a bit dim, hasn’t he?” Yuta nudged the man’s head with his gun as Taeyong started smelling iron.  

“Shategashira, should we leave I –” Taeyong began, but Yuta cut him off, singularly focused.  

“We have another three minutes or so until the police show up.  Alright,” he continued, turning his attention back to his victim.  “Never mind your name and rank.  Tell me though, are you guys really going to go through with this?  What are you doing with Minatozaki Sana?”

The man spat.  “All I’ll say is that you Inagawa bastards will get what’s coming to you!” he panted.  “We’ve let you have Tokyo for too long.  You know how easily we’d take you down if we just tried?  You think you’re intimidating?  Fuck you.”    

Yuta tutted, “that’s really too bad; you’ve wasted your chances.  If your men are so confident why don’t they just attack already instead of sending in useless assassins like yourself?”

Yuta shot the man right through the head and Taeyong nearly shrieked, turning his head away immediately when he thought he saw something a little too pink to be blood hitting the brick wall on his left.  He wanted to scream – wanted to ask Yuta how the hell he could bring himself to do that – but he found that he couldn’t speak.  He realized all of a sudden that they were in public, noticing in terror that there were pedestrians trying to get a view of the alley.  

“Hurry,” Yuta instructed, and Taeyong followed in horrified and awed silence until they reached the back door of Johnny’s pachinko bar.  

Yuta stopped before going inside and clapped his palms over Taeyong’s shoulders.  “Sorry you had to see that,” he said, lips curling just slightly.  To Taeyong’s surprise, he didn’t feel any need to push Yuta away, despite knowing now the kind of shit he could do.  “But remember all that to remind yourself that this is no joke.”  

Taeyong nodded, eyes glued on Yuta’s, still in a bit of a stupor.  “You need to stop apologizing,” he said, allowing himself a small smile.  “It’s your ride and I’m just someone who fell into the sidecar.  It’s not your fault and I’m not your responsibility.”  

Yuta let out a breathy laugh.  In the distance, Taeyong heard the quavering notes of police sirens.

“We should get into the party,” said Yuta, “but before we do, thank you.  You saved me, Taeyong.”

Taeyong couldn’t even process the statement before Yuta was turning and slipping through the door.

The music which had been seeping through the door came at Taeyong with a pulverizing intensity when he got inside.  He found himself in a grimy pachinko hall with machines, booths, and orange lighting.  On the wall next to the door was a fully stocked bar manned by a yellow-Hawaiian-shirt-clad Johnny.  Every member of the Inagawa-kai’s 15th Tora regiment had congregated around the bar along with Jaehyun and a few young women Taeyong didn’t recognize.  The room was cloudy with smoke, but despite the assault on their lungs, Mark and Donghyuck had cleared a couple tables in the middle of the room to do some kind of pre-choreographed dance to the song that was currently playing.  Taeyong was pretty sure it was “Back on the Chain Gang” by the Pretenders.  

There was a general noise of excitement when Yuta made his way into the room, followed by a smaller whoop for Taeyong.  

“You made it!” said Johnny, gleefully.  

“Man, you look like shit, Shategashira ,” observed Jungwoo.

“Oh yeah?” mocked Yuta, “while guess what, I’m still sexier than you so who’s the real winner here?”

“Oooooh shit! You just got destroyed, man,” Mark interjected, pausing his routine.  Jungwoo rolled his eyes.

Taeyong wanted to plaster himself against the wall like one of the traditional watercolor prints of tigers that Johnny had up.  He couldn’t understand how Yuta’s demeanor could change so dramatically so quickly.        

“In all seriousness, though,” said Yuta, “today has not been easy.”  

“Oh yeah?” Johnny asked, “come sit.  I’ll make you a drink and you can decompress.  You too, Taeyong.”

Johnny served Taeyong a Sapporo (“that’s all you want?”) and broke out the Suntory he kept for special occasions for Yuta as Yuta recounted their encounter with the Yamaguchi-gumi.  By the end, everyone was stunned into a brief silence as David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance,” played like an ironic joke in the background.  

“Shit,” said Doyoung, “this is going to throw a wrench in things.  At least we know their plan.  But they can’t know we know.”  

“Agreed,” said Yuta, sipping his whiskey.  “Anyway, I know this is a bit of a bomb for us, but this was supposed to be a fun night and I didn’t come here with the intention of bumming you all out.  We’ll have plenty of time to work it out tomorrow.”

“Wait!” said Donghyuck, approaching Taeyong at the bar.  “Johnny, can I get a shot of shochu?”

Taeyong looked at Donghyuck with curious eyes, still a bit scared of the kid.  

“I propose a toast,” Donghyuck declared once he’d been handed his drink, “to our new man Taeyong for showing his stuff and watching out for our Shategashira !”

He and Taeyong exchanged a smile as Taeyong protested weakly.  No one heard him.  

“ Kanpai !” the whole room yelled.  

Taeyong cringed.  “ Kanpai…eyy…arigato, arigato …” he mumbled, doing jazz hands for some reason.  

“Now LET’S DANCE!” yelled Taeil from somewhere behind the bar, and everyone spluttered laughter at his enthusiastic drunken English.  It didn’t deter a girl in a blue silk minidress from sauntering over to him, though.  Hoo, wouldn’t that be easy? thought Taeyong, taking a swig of his beer.  

One beer turned into two; then three, then four, then who knows how many?  The relative mildness of the drink was stopping even lightweight Taeyong from acting out, but he did note with a bit of concern that he hadn’t eaten anything since that onigiri at lunch.  Maybe he should stop.  

“Need another?” asked Johnny.  Or not .

“Sure.”  A very pretty girl in a printed knit dress came up behind Johnny while he was getting another Sapporo from the fridge.  With the short-sleeved shirt Johnny had on, Taeyong could see all the intricate tattoos which practically writhed over his arms.  He realized that he’d never seen Yuta’s arms before, wondering if they looked like that too.  

Taeyong watched apathetically as the girl tried to dance against Johnny and he whispered to her that she needed to calm down while he got his friend a drink.  Taeyong wished, stupidly, that it was him and Yuta.  He tried to remind himself that Yuta was a sociopath who didn’t want him anyway, but sadly, that didn’t help.  

“You want a shot in this?” Johnny finally asked, referring to the beer, more of a suggestion than a question.  “A shot for the shooter?”  

“Why not?” Taeyong wondered aloud by way of an answer, ignoring the dreading feeling which came back at the mention of the shooting.  Johnny poured a shot of shochu in the beer and handed it back to Taeyong.  The resulting beverage already made Taeyong’s head hurt in anticipation of the next morning.

“Mina-chan,” Johnny snapped sardonically when the girl tried again to get a rise out of him, “why don’t you get to know Taeyong here?  He’s new; you’ll like him.  Talk about knee-capping bad guys or makeup or something, I don’t care!”  Taeyong flinched at the mention of makeup, wondering if it was a subtle jab at his sexuality.  He figured it was nothing though, while also making a mental note that Johnny was a bit of a dick when drunk.  

Mina sat down on the stool next to Taeyong, sighing and sipping from her lemon sour.  Then she smiled, and Taeyong was knocked out by the sheer aesthetic beauty of it.  

“Hey,” she said.  “Man of the hour.”

Taeyong tripped over a response, finally settling lamely on “I don’t know about that.”

“Oi!” Taeil was yelling somewhere, so loudly that Taeyong and Mina had to place their conversation on pause. “Johnny!”  

“Yeah?” said Johnny, holding a rag and looking up from a shelf under the bar.  

“Do these machines work?” asked Taeil, looking pretty out of it at this point as he fawned over the pachinko machines.  

“Like, in general?”

“No, right now.”

Johnny sighed.  “Not really, Tae, I turned them off.  Why do you care?”

“I wanna play!” Taeil slurred.  Taeyong giggled when he saw Doyoung make a face that communicated something along the lines of ‘kill me now’ and down the rest of his highball.  

“You don’t wanna play that anyway, man,” said Johnny, throwing the rag over his shoulder.  “They’re rigged.  I don’t want you losing a bunch of money and then blaming me tomorrow.”

“Rigged?  Really?” asked Taeil, incredulous.  “That’s kind of crooked, man.”

Johnny threw his hands up in exasperation.

“A n y w a y,” Mina restarted.  “So, you’re new.  How did that happen?”

Taeyong recounted the story of how he had fallen into his position with the Inagawa-kai and would probably be going insane if it weren’t for Yuta, funnily enough.  He omitted the part where he pined for a week and then got flatly rejected.  

Apparently, the situation behind the bar was continuing to deteriorate even past Taeil’s outbursts, because once Taeyong finished the broad strokes of his story, there was yet another interruption.  

Jaehyun, who had spent most of the gathering sat in a booth, flirting with a girl, came out of nowhere into the center of the space and pointed at Yuta, who was in the middle of a conversation with Mark.

“Yuta-san!  My friend!  I have been dared to wrestle you!”  He was grinning and looking hyper charged and chilled out at the same time.    

Yuta balked.  “Me??  You really want to do that?”

“I’ve been dared!” Jaehyun repeated.  “A true man must fight with honor when the occasion is upon him!”

Mark started to do the thing where he spazzed out all over the place instead of laughing.  Now the whole room was balking.  

“I think he needed to be cut off a while ago,” Taeyong whispered to Mina.  She just sighed.  

“I bet you there’s something a lot stronger than booze in him,” she said, voice resigned.  

“Well alright then,” Yuta agreed, getting up just like that and rolling up his sleeves to reveal the tattoos Taeyong had figured would be there as Jungwoo and Mark cleared some tables away to make room.  

“To the death!” said Jaehyun, pointing at Yuta again.  

“Um – no!” yelled Johnny.  

“Let’s ignore them,” Mina suggested, swiveling her stool to face Taeyong.

“Sounds good.”  The two of them clinked glasses as the sounds of a physical struggle mixed with the rhythm of “Cat’s Eye” by Anri coming from the jukebox.    

“They’re tiring, huh?” Mina prompted.  

“Tell me about it,” Taeyong felt the hard alcohol in his drink burning the back of his throat as he took a sip.  “You ever seen someone get killed, Mina?”

Mina’s expression looked flatly put-off for a moment before she gathered it back up.  “No, Taeyong, I can’t say that I have.”

“Sorry,” Taeyong said, feeling like an idiot. “That’s really morbid, huh?  I just – I’m still kind of in shock and this party’s been a lot for me to process.”

“Yeah,” said Mina, eyes skimming over her knees.  “I bet.  You know how I met Johnny?”

“How?”

“The oldest profession,” she said.  

Taeyong’s brow furrowed for a second.  “Oh! Oh…”

“It’s alright, I know it’s unglamorous,” said Mina.  

“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to sound judgmental – I promise.”

“No, no, I know.  But listen, I think if I was a guy who’d grown up in my same situation I’d probably be sitting where you are, and in all honestly after watching the kind of things Johnny gets himself into, I really don’t know if I’d be equipped to handle it.  You want my advice?”

“Sure?”

Mina leaned in so she could whisper over the fight and the music.  “Do what you can to get out of this as quick as possible.  I know you’re worried higher ups than these guys will track you down if you try to run off, and you’re right about that, but the minute the Oyabun and Wakagashira decide you can be trusted you should remove yourself.  That’s what I’d do.”

Taeyong nodded, a little too out of it to know how to respond.  He settled on a mildly accusatory “But you stay.”

“I’m not the one getting shot at,” said Mina.  “Today?  That was just the tip of the iceberg.”  She shrugged and looked at Johnny, “besides, I have someone pulling me in.”

I do too , Taeyong wanted to say but couldn’t, only in part because it wasn’t fully true.  

Mina turned her attention to the wrestling match happening on the tile floor and Taeyong followed suit.  Jaehyun was cackling and holding a yelling Yuta down below him.  The image made Taeyong feel like he had consumed something stronger than alcohol.

Johnny came around to Taeyong and Mina on his way to the jukebox.  “Watch this,” he said with a smirk.  After fiddling with it for a couple seconds the telltale opening strings of “Come on Eileen” filled the room and the fight was being broken up in favor of dancing.  Everyone jumped around, yelling whatever version of the lyrics they could and making fun of the actual English speakers when they admitted even they didn’t understand what was being said.  This is how Taeyong came to learn that Johnny and Mark had each grown up in North America as the children of yakuza outpost members, and Jaehyun had gone to boarding school in Connecticut.  

The drinks, bouncing around, and singing were really starting to shake the memory of earlier in the day out of Taeyong’s brain and by the end of the night, he was barely worrying about Mina’s warnings.

***  

Everyone had gone home except for Johnny, Jaehyun, Taeyong, and Yuta.  The former two were in the alley having a smoke and getting some air, so this left Taeyong and Yuta alone inside.  

Yuta let out a big breath and spun around in the middle of the room.  His hair and clothing were stiff with dried sweat and he had some bruises on his arms and his left cheek.  

“What a day!”

“You alright?” asked Taeyong, parking himself in a nearby chair and eyeing his boss’s mild injuries.  

“Aish,” Yuta jested, flexing his arms as if he were really in pain.  Then, he broke out into a grin and laughed, waving Taeyong off.  “Nah, I’m alright.  Would’a had him if Johnny hadn’t intervened.”

Taeyong giggled.  “Sure.”

“Oi!” Yuta started laughing harder.  “I’ll have you punished for insubordination!”

Sounds good . “Sorry, Shategashira.  You’re right; you are the manliest.”  

Yuta hopped into a walk towards the jukebox.  “We should dance!”

How was he not completely out of energy??  After a moment, “Overkill” by Men at Work started to play.  

“I love this song,” Yuta remarked as if he hadn’t chosen it. “Come on, dance!  That’s an order.”  

Taeyong got up sluggishly and started to move in rhythm with Yuta from across the room. Yuta kept pulling silly faces and making Taeyong laugh in his way where the sounds seemed to keep getting caught in his throat on their way out.  

“Did you have fun tonight?” Yuta asked.  

“It was nice,” said Taeyong.  “I felt like part of the group.”

“Good,” said Yuta, dancing closer and eventually getting right into Taeyong’s personal space, outstretching his hands next to Taeyong’s hips, palms up.  Slowly, Taeyong placed his hands over Yuta’s, staring his dance partner in the eyes and knowing that his must have appeared full of uncertainty.  As if by a natural force, Taeyong’s fingers slipped into the slots between Yuta’s and they swayed like that silently for a few seconds.  It was a good feeling, and Taeyong let his eyes close just long enough to enjoy it.  

“Yu – Shategashira ,”

“Mm?”

“What are you doing?”

Yuta looked back into Taeyong’s eyes and then flickered his gaze away, a breathy smile tracing over his lips.  

“I’m thanking you for saving my life,” he said, plainly.  

“You already did that,” Taeyong all but whispered.  

“Not in the way I wanted to,” Yuta mumbled.  “Not in the way you deserve.”  

Yuta pulled a centimeter closer and Taeyong felt like his skin was an electric grid.  He let out an involuntary gasp as Yuta sighed close to his ear.

“Tell me, Taeyong,” he continued, voice thick with liquor, “do you think I’m a monster?”

“Think you’re a monster?  No! No, Shategashira , don’t be ridiculous.  I don’t think that.  I was just – scared.  I know I said I wasn’t earlier today but that was before…I don’t think you’re a monster.  Anyone with your position would have done the same thing – would have been expected to, even.”

“You’re a very kind person, Taeyong,” Yuta observed.  “I hope you know that.”  

“Thank you…” Taeyong smiled to himself at the compliment.  

Yuta pulled back an inch and flashed his gaze over Taeyong’s face.  “Would it be too much for me to kiss you?” he asked.  

Taeyong felt like all his organs were shutting down at once.  How was this happening? Hadn’t Yuta said no?  Hadn’t that ultimately been the right decision for both of their safety? Taeyong froze, only able to watch Yuta’s beautiful face and babble god knows what – he didn’t know.  Finally, he managed to spit out, “but I thought you didn’t want me.”

Yuta looked genuinely hurt.  “I never said that, Taeyong,” he clarified.  “And what I did say was a mistake.  I’m trying to make up for that.”

Taeyong nodded.  “Okay.”

“Okay I can kiss you?”

“Mm-hm.”

And that was all it took.  Yuta pressed his soft lips to Taeyong’s and they stayed there like that as any awareness of the outside world grew fuzzy.  It was gentle enough that Taeyong didn’t know if it was perfect or if he wanted more.  Fortunately or unfortunately, he didn’t have to decide right then, because just as he was beginning to melt fully into the kiss, he heard Johnny and Jaehyun chatting as they walked back inside.  Yuta pulled away quickly, but even if neither man had seen anything, the position Taeyong was in with him was incriminating enough.  Taeyong’s face flushed so hard it almost turned violet as Johnny and Jaehyun snickered.  Yuta, thankfully, was relatively cool enough to handle the situation.  

“You two go on ahead.  Taeyong and I will stay and lock up,” he offered.  

“Alright, Shategashira ,” said Johnny slyly.  “You do that.”  

As the last two stragglers got ready to leave, Taeyong felt himself begin to panic.  He was pretty sure all of Yuta’s friends knew about his sexuality, but he couldn’t remember if he had ever confirmed that fact or if he’d just inferred it.  Finally, he was alone again with Yuta.  

“Sorry about that,” said Yuta.  

“I told you to stop apologizing to me,” Taeyong mumbled.  

“Right.”  Yuta sat next to Taeyong on a chair and pretended to zip his mouth shut.  Taeyong laughed.

“They…know, right?” asked Taeyong and Yuta’s eyes went as round as coins.  

“Oh, my god, yes!  They do!  Don’t worry about them.  They’re obnoxious for other reasons.”  

Taeyong finally let himself relax into his seat. “Good,” he breathed.  

“Taeyong,” said Yuta, his voice taking on a darkness it didn’t have before and Taeyong looked at him expectantly.  “Come here.”  

Taeyong stood and traversed the couple of feet between them.  Yuta patted his lap and Taeyong thought he was going to faint.  He didn’t.  Instead, he straddled Yuta hesitantly and let the man below him look him up and down, gaze sharp.  

“Is this good?” he asked.  

Yuta skimmed his hands lightly over the seams in Taeyong’s jeans.  “Yeah it’s good,” he said.  “You’re so good.”  

Taeyong closed his eyes at that and let out a choked sound.  

“Ah,” remarked Yuta, using his right hand to ruffle Taeyong’s hair and then brush over his cheek.  “Yonggie likes praise, then?”

“Mm, mm-hm,” Taeyong confirmed, leaning into the soothing movements.  

“Can I touch you?”

Taeyong nodded.  “Yes please.”

This time, Yuta let his palms run flat over Taeyong’s thighs and up to his hips, causing Taeyong to wriggle in his lap.  Yuta pulled Taeyong forward into another kiss, deeper and more insistent this time.  It felt sloppy and wet and Taeyong absolutely loved it; couldn’t help himself from grinding his hips just a little bit, although when Yuta noticed this, he tried to hold him in place.  

When Yuta pulled away, Taeyong let his face hover nearby, pink and panting.  Yuta’s lips were glossy and somewhat swollen, and he was looking at Taeyong like he was about to disappear and needed to be studied thoroughly so he could be remembered.  Yuta’s hands roamed over Taeyong’s back, slipping under his shirt.

“ Shategashira ,” Taeyong said in surprise before he had adjusted to the temperature of Yuta’s skin.  Yuta burst out in whooping laughter, throwing his head back in a way that made Taeyong both nervous and aroused.  God , Taeyong thought, hands going to his mouth out of nervous habit, Yuta was going to devastate him.  

When Yuta came back up for air, he stared at Taeyong in mock incredulity.  “Oh, stop playing with your lips,” he said.  “You’re always doing that and it drives me crazy.”

Taeyong ripped his hand away, embarrassed.  “What was so funny?”

“If we’re going to do this, you need to drop the title, Taeyong. Just call me by my name,” Yuta explained, holding Taeyong’s chin between his thumb and pointer finger as if chiding a child.  Taeyong loved it.  All of it.  He smirked.  

“What if I like it?” he challenged.

Now it was Yuta smirking.  “Oh?  Taeyong likes titles, hm?” he leaned forward to start kissing up Taeyong’s neck and Taeyong mewled.  “You like feeling like I’m in charge, even now,” he teased between kisses, “hm, sweetheart?”

That was all Taeyong could take. He started grinding again and this time, Yuta didn’t stop him.

“Yes, Shategashira . I like it so much.”  Yuta sucked a love bite into the skin over Taeyong’s collarbone and Taeyong hissed.  

“Pretty,” Yuta admired absently when he pulled away.  Taeyong was so lost in feeling that it took him until this moment to notice the pressure that had started to build against his thigh.  He looked down at where Yuta was straining against his black jeans.  If he was being honest, he was getting a little uncomfortable himself.  

“Yuta,” he breathed, forgetting all about power play for a second.  Yuta chuckled.  

“I know,” he said, “I didn’t really mean for that to happen but here we are.”

Taeyong raised his eyebrows cutely.  “Would you like me to help you with that, Shategashira ?”  He was ready to drop to his knees at a moment’s notice, so he felt a little disappointed when Yuta waved him off.  

“No, no.  Let me handle it.  I have an idea.”

Taeyong watched silently as Yuta pulled himself out of his pants and started to stroke himself, looking directly at Taeyong.  Taeyong’s eyes went wide and he licked his lips.  Yuta’s wasn’t the biggest cock Taeyong had ever seen, but it wasn’t small either and what it lacked in length it made up for in girth.  

“Fuck, Taeyong, unzip your pants.”

Taeyong made quick work of his fly and let Yuta reach out and pull down the front of his boxers.  Yuta pumped Taeyong a couple of times, making Taeyong gasp when his thumb traced over the head of his cock, then instructed him to move up a little on his lap.  Taeyong watched as Yuta spit on his palm and wrapped his hand around both of them, letting out a gut-punched moan at the contact.  

“Shit, Shategashira , ahh.”

Taeyong tried to let go and focus on the slide of Yuta’s hand on one side and his cock on the other, but he couldn’t help thinking how lewd this was: him perched on Yuta’s lap, face mottled with red splotches, starting to leak onto Yuta’s hand and the clothing that they were both still wearing.    

Yuta moaned and Taeyong felt himself twitch, hips jerking into the partial ring of Yuta’s grip.  Pleasure radiated from where Yuta was touching him all the way up to his head, stopping to pool hotly at the base of his stomach.  

“You asked if I thought about you,” Yuta murmured, speeding up his rhythm.  “I should have told you the truth, which is that I did.  All the time.  Sometimes at night I’d imagine you on my lap like this, or in my bed.”

Taeyong made a choked noise and Yuta leaned forward to pepper kisses over his cheeks.  “But you’re so much better in real life.”  Yuta made a sound in Taeyong’s ear somewhere between a moan and a sigh and laughed darkly.  “Did you think about me, sweetheart?”

“Yes, yes, Shategashira , I did.  I tried not to, but I didmmmmmmm…” Taeyong cut himself off with a groan when Yuta pushed his thumb over Taeyong’s slit.  The sensations were starting to overwhelm him.    

“Yuta?”

“Yeah, baby?”

Taeyong shivered, his hips beginning to twitch in fits and starts.

“I’m gonna come.”

“Whenever you need to, Yonggie.”  Yuta tried to speed up his strokes one more time. “Come for me, sweetheart.”

Taeyong held onto Yuta’s shoulders and Yuta kissed him again as he spasmed through his release, the sounds he made getting muffled by Yuta’s mouth.  When he pulled away, Yuta was grinning and still stroking him through his aftershocks, the movements slicked now by a new layer of Taeyong’s come.  The sight made whatever was left of Taeyong’s brain go numb.  

All of a sudden, Taeyong was so sensitive that he felt like needles were pricking at his skin.  

“Ah, ah, okay, stop, Shategashira , please,” he pleaded, squirming.

Yuta allowed Taeyong to pull himself away and closed his eyes, focused on achieving his own release.  Taeyong took advantage of the moment to kneel on the floor between Yuta’s thighs, and when Yuta reopened his eyes, he was the one twitching.  

“Oh, my god Taeyong,” he growled.  

“It’s okay, I like this.  Please, Shategashira , I want your come.”

Taeyong opened his mouth and stared up at Yuta.  Within seconds, his pose had the desired effect: Yuta was groaning and coming over Taeyong’s mouth.  Taeyong licked his lips as Yuta watched, spasming and rubbing himself slowly; his heavy breathing was the only sound in the room.  Taeyong shimmied a little closer and lapped innocently at the head of Yuta’s cock, and Yuta threw his hands over his face.

“Ooooh, my god, Yong…”

Taeyong kept at it until Yuta started to squirm, reveling in the idea that he had made the cool, collected badass that was Nakamoto Yuta come undone like this.  

“Alright, alright,” Yuta said, guiding Taeyong back to his lap with a hand on his scalp.  Once there, Yuta stuck his dick back in his underwear haphazardly and brushed his fingers through Taeyong’s hair.  

“Did you like it, Shategashira ?” asked Taeyong, eyes blown out.  

“Like it?  I thought you were going to kill me there for a second.  You were so good, getting on your knees for me.”

Taeyong giggled.  

“Did you like it, Taeyong?”

“Yeah,” he said.  “I liked it a lot.  Thank you.”

Yuta chuckled, pulling Taeyong in for one more kiss.  He sighed after.  

“Okay, I know Johnny has clean towels in here somewhere.  Don't go anywhere; I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Okay.”  Yuta pecked Taeyong on the nose for good measure before he stood, and when Taeyong got up to let Yuta off the chair he almost fell over, barely managing to steady himself.

Yuta returned with a clean one of Johnny’s bar rags that he’d run under some water and cleaned them both off.

“Okay,” he said thoughtfully.  “That’s better.”  He considered the rag.  “I’m going to need to bring this home with me to wash.”  

Taeyong blushed and Yuta pulled him into his side, looking around.  “Not a very romantic setting, is it?”

“No,” agreed Taeyong.  

“Next time we’ll go somewhere better and I’ll make love to you properly,” said Yuta, casually.

Next time.  

Yuta continued, “we should probably lock up like I said we would and get out of here, hm?”

“Yeah.”

Yuta kissed Taeyong’s cheek and practically charged towards the front door, throwing Taeyong a small key.  “I’m getting the front, so you get the back, okay?”

“Okay.”

Taeyong felt like he was high for the rest of the night and could barely get himself to sleep despite the knowledge that tomorrow would be a busy day.  He couldn’t believe what had happened.  He wished he could visit the version of himself that existed only days earlier and share the good news.  Maybe, he thought, this whole insane situation he’d found himself in would work out for the best after all.