#i’m still depressed over engame

[marvelousbaby]

“i don’t even know who you are.

you will.”

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twitter: @mercurysimons

[werealljustwinginit]

A Tony Stark Analysis and My Early Engame Thoughts:

While I haven’t had days to process all that has happened quite yet, here are some of my early thoughts on the final moments to Tony Stark’s character arc:

I’m obviously very upset with the ending. He deserved more. But I will say, that if he had to die...his death was nearly perfect—I’ll give you that. It was amazing. I sobbed. Nearly the entire IronFam was there and it was impactful and hearwrenching. The only thing I would have added would have been more of a one on one dialogue between Tony and Thanos. I think it would have been great to get a line or two about how much Tony lost and the pain Thanos caused to him personally. That he watched his son die in his arms. Not to mention it would have continued their direct story lines from IW. Even if it was past Thanos they were fighting this time, he still knew of Stark. And there can still be many interesting comparissions or parallels drawn between the two. In addition to this I would have loved to see a Yinsin reference or two before things ended. Now that would have been a beautiful full circle moment.

But other than that I would honestly say if he had to die...his death was near perfect. (Emphasis on near)

BUT it is doing his entire character arc a great disservice by ultimately deciding to kill him.

This is the man that grew from nothing. The man that learned to love and allowed himself to be loved. The man who made himself a family after having his abuse him and then later be ripped away from him, at a young age. The man who saw what was happening in the world, changed what he was doing, and decided to do good. Because that’s what heroes do. That’s what is needed in order to ensure the safety or the Earth and the safety of the future.

This is the man who has been beaten down, yelled at, crushed, and torn apart for ten years. All for trying to better the future. For literally always trying to better the future! This is the man who is constantly told what he is doing is wrong, that he is an asshole, and that he isn’t ever the one to lay down on the wire and take the hit for others. People for years have seen and treated him like a narcissistic asshole. His “friends” and teammates have even treated him this way.

And the Russo’s among others have made him make the big sacrifice play time and time again. Blowing an unstable arc reactor—ensuring the tech doesn’t fall into the wrong hands, flying a nuke into a wormhole to save NY and all of the Earth, overriding a machine and still saving nearly every civilian in sokovia, trying to keep the accords in place for now in order to align with the entire UN and keep the people safe, but getting beaten up for it, getting a fucking moon thrown at him and taking Thanos head on—by himself, for nearly ten mins after traveling into space (his worst fear) to try and prevent humans from being killed on earth, and now successfully achieving time travel and creating a working plan to try and bring back half of the fucking universe? Tony’s whole life has been sacrifice, after sacrifice, after sacrifice.

And yet, observing his entire developmental arc and how his character has progressed: we also see time and time again that Tony Stark deserves love. He deserves happiness. He deserves to rest. (And by that I mean nap...)

He has done more than anyone else for this Earth and for our future. He was abused as a child, lost his parents, went through a depressed and drunken stupor but then realized the importance of keeping those you care about close to you. He found Pepper and tried to do right by her for years. He has been carrying a ring since 2008, talks about how he wants to get Pepper a farm house and retire and start a family since 2014, and talks about her being pregnant and having kids since 2016. He then found Peter Parker, and tried all he could to do right by this kid who worked his way into his heart. He tried to do better than his abusive and alcoholic father, he tried to teach the kid useful lessons, and gave him a multimillion dollar suit to protect him as best as he could. He mentored the kid, learned from him, and cared about him. So much so, that in 2018, we see him talking to Peter constantly, and see him sharing real life feelings and dreams with Pepper about having a happy family. We see him now permanently looking to the future, his future with his family. The future he can have, the future he deserves.

Tony Stark has done his time, and has struggled since he was born. He has been unhappy and lonely for the majority of his life. He has been so lost but we’ve seen him come into the light and find his way over the years. He deserved happiness. He deserved a family. He deserved retirement and a happy ending.

To have him once again make the ultimate sacrifice play, is in a way, extremely disrespectful to who Tony Stark is. And to who he has become.

The only thing you can argue about, related to that, is that Tony will always be the one to continue to make the sacrifice play, if it means it will protect the people he loves.

It’s who he is.

It’s in his heart.

Because he is a hero.

He is Iron Man.

He is Tony Stark.

[wanderingwomanwondering]

The Magicians 4x13 Theory

Sooooo...my mind has been turning this over since last week. As it relates to Queliot - aka my reason for being - a few key developments seem probable to me when the season 4 finale airs tonight:

1. Eliot will return. However, Q and El likely will not have a fluffy, well-lit romantic moment (with passionate kissing) during this finale because of...idk...reasons that live in the heads of savage writers who think this kind of torture of specifically LGBTQ folks and our allies makes for good storytelling???

2. Quentin will die. Julia!Monster will probably do the killing and/or a mishap in the mirror world. Honestly, Q has technically died many times before, like the rest of our peeps! Remember, this is timeline 40; the other 39 ended bloody. All things considered, I trust that Q will be back next season.

3. Cue Alice looking savagely distraught in the promos, she’s horrified by Q’s death and still invested in him and their relationship. Her awkward resurgence as a love interest for Q comes in a season that’s all about choice, Quentin has to choose between what he thinks he should want/used to want (settle down with Alice who’s engame in the book) and what he actually wants/wants right now (proof of concept with Eliot who works and is endgame in our hearts; peaches and plums, motherfuckers). Alice coming back at this moment in the narrative may be about Q choosing, but with a deeper understanding of who he is and what he needs than he had before.

4. Quentin will reflect and I think a part of that will include confessing a secret (taken to the grave) to Penny40 (aka OGPenny). I believe the secret could be that he is actually in love with Eliot, but he had no idea how to open up about that throughout the season because the Monster was slaying the world (and being uncomfortably handsy with him at every turn), Eliot had already turned him down (a la 405), and Q was wildly depressed by it all (literally everything from 406 through 411). This is literally the only explanation I can muster for Q’s uncharacteristic silence for the entire season: to create dramatic tension for the big Queliot feelings reveal in the Underworld with Penny40.

I’m not sure how I feel about any of the above because I’m tired. My queer self is freaking exhausted by all of the squinting and reading between the lines I’ve had to do to keep Queliot alive in my heart through 4 seasons of booze, magic emotion bottles, a bottle episode, and a savage retcon all topped off with Eliot being gone this season and Q being quiet about his feelings for like the first damn time ever. Ugh! I’m. Just. So. Done. For now, I need this season to be over.

[leighlikesthing]

Hey that Engame movie came out!

Let’s talk about Endgame.

I have to be honest with you, reader.

I absolutely loved it.

I’ve seen it twice now. And while I am sad that this chapter of the Marvel Cinematic Universe is over; this big, dumb, beautiful chapter that kicked things off, I can’t complain about the send-off.

Well, I can complain a little.

The main idea of the Avengers doing a time heist, and going back to their own past is wonderful, and it made for some incredible moments. But I have to tell you that there are certain things that we didn’t get, that I will always want, and certain things we did get that I’m not so sure we needed, and things that I can live without.

But let’s start with the things that are beautiful about this movie:

Professor Hulk: I lost my whole damn mind when I saw Professor Hulk. I’m thinking about him now and I’m crying. It’s such a wonderful story beat, in all of this despair, to have Bruce pull himself together enough to figure his shit out and come to terms with both sides of himself.

Morgan Stark: And the fact that Tony and Pepper got to really be together. They’ve been one of my favorite ships since the first Iron Man movie. Yay!

The end of Tony’s story arc: Am I totally heartbroken that he died? Yes. Did it feel earned? Yes. Go back and watch Iron Man one and then watch Endgame. His character development is so wonderful. And while it hurts that this beloved character gave his life? It feels right.

Steven Grant Rogers: His ass, his sass and his ending: Mr. “I’d make you dinner but you seem depressed enough already.” Mr. “That is America’s ass.” Listen to me. LISTEN TO ME: Steve tried really hard throughout all of these movies to move on and live a life in the future. He did the best he could, because that’s what Steve does. But he’s never been happy. I’d argue that since waking up from the ice, he’s been in a slow slide through a nervous breakdown. His staunchness in the first Avengers movie, trying to be a good soldier was a suit of armor he tried on that didn’t fit. He works for SHIELD, and that feels wrong, and then it turns out it IS wrong. Bucky is back, but evil, and when you couple that with Peggy’s death in Civil War, it manifests as a nervous breakdown where he digs his heels in so hard that he destroys the Avengers and goes on the run. This man has been through so much. And through it all, he’s never been happy, or comfortable or okay. So he winds up in 1970, and stumbles into Peggy’s office, and...and there’s a picture. Of him. The way he used to be. The way he was when they met. 25 years after he crash landed in the ice, and this women that he adored, the first women who ever looked at him and saw his value and worth, still has his photo on her desk. Which means she’s thinking about him every day.

Listen to me: If his photo had not been on her desk, he would not have gone back. He went back because he saw that she missed him. She’d been married and had kids and still, she missed him.

Steve wanted to be happy. Steve, since coming out of the ice, has never been happy.

He has earned his ending.

The things we didn’t get:

Jumping ahead five years after the snap was an inspired idea. The entire theater gasped when those words appeared on screen. But we didn’t see much of what the world had become; in this state of moving on but not moving on. How did governments function? How did the world function? Was the President snapped? I wanted to know more.

Steve climbing the mountain on Vormir, and coming face to face with the Red Skull. Seriously. That was an after-credit scene or something. A Marvel short? A one-shot comic? Somebody write it!

More with some of the side characters. Harley showed up at the funeral, but had no lines. Peggy had muffled lines but no lines at the end. Where was Darcy? Where is current timeline Jane?

Now, I know that this was already an enormous undertaking of a movie. It’s one thing for a comics company to plan, and execute and market a crossover, it’s quite another for a movie universe to do so. So much money. So many schedules. So we were obviously not going to get every tiny little thing we wanted out of this movie.

Onto the things I’m not so sure about:

I applaud the writers’ attempts to tackle depression in Thor’s story. I think their hearts were in the right place, but the execution was a little...I think it needed its own mini-movie or something. In a huge story like Endgame there just wasn’t enough time to unpack Thor’s feelings in a delicate way. But I will say Thor and Bruce’s conversation near the start of the movie was really a beautiful touch. And I don’t really think they were playing Thor’s depression and state of mind for laughs. It’s just so unsettling to see someone fall so far that we, as people, laugh, because we’re uncomfortable.

Nat’s death was...unfortunately. Narratively, I get it. Death in these movies needs to have an emotional impact. For some reason the cliff on Vormir is somehow filled with women in fridges. Which just fucking sucks. It sucks. I think that Gamora’s death in Infinity War was a waste, but part of losing a battle is losing people, and she was an easy (a possibly lazy) target. Natasha’s death felt different for me. The Avengers were her family, and her whole life. She would do anything to reverse what had happened, including giving her life. It makes sense that she would tell Clint to go fuck himself and take the swan dive. Does Clint deserve to live? After he went around and murdered a whole bunch of people of color around the world? Nope. Would we have cared as much had he died? No. Is he known for winning fights with Natasha? Nope. So it’s hard to see another way around that that makes sense.

Fuck’s sake is time travel and alternate timeline work confusing. Damn. Not even the writers and directors can agree on this shit.

There is one thing that I can live without, in the aftermath of Endgame.

And it’s the toxic fan reactions, specifically to Steve’s endings, and in regards to Bucky.

If you’re a shipper, I’m sorry that it’s not canon. It’s a bummer for you. But like...them’s the breaks. Sometimes your ship isn’t canon. I have been in so many fandoms where my ships are not canon.  

But let me say this:

“Til the end of the line” does not mean being joined at the hip forever and ever even if it’s bad for the both of them.

When Bucky said that line to Steve, they were eighteen, and Steve’s mother had just died. When Bucky said that line to Steve, he meant “You are not alone. I am here for you if you need me. Don’t count me out.”

And to try and jog Bucky’s memory in Winter Soldier, Steve repeats that line to Bucky, and he means the same thing. “You are not alone. I am here for you if you need me. Don’t count me out.”

The Russo’s have stated that Steve and Bucky talked before Steve left to return the stones. And you can tell in their goodbye scene. I’ve seen people complain about this not being included in the movie, but if you’re paying attention to body language, facial expression and intonation, you can tell that they talked. That missing scene would be a great fanfic, but the movie doesn’t need it.

Steve and Bucky are not those two punk kids from Brooklyn anymore. They’re both incredibly different people. People who have been functioning without each other since the end of Civil War. Steve’s been on the run. Bucky’s been in Wakanda. Are they still close? Yeah. Are they totally different people who don’t have the same expectations from each other that they once had? Yeah.

Steve’s decision to go and be happy in the past is not an abandonment. It is two grown men acknowledging that they live two separate lives. Bucky is happy in Wakanda. Steve hasn’t been happy since before he nose-dived that Hydra plane.

Bucky is gonna be fine. He has Wakanda, and Sam and an entire world to explore and experience. He’s healing nicely from his time as the Winter Soldier, and maybe the US Government will even pardon him since his actions were the result of being captured as a prisoner of war. Bucky’s gonna do great.

Steve Rogers has been a heartbroken mess since he ran out of that SHIELD base in Times Square and realized he wasn’t in fucking Kansas anymore. Everything he has done has been in response to what is probably an incredibly deep pit of depression, exacerbated by everything he’s been through. There is nothing in the present that will make Steve forget about all that he has lost.

So he went back.

Because he could do it, and because he knew he was missed.

Your mileage may vary in regards to what he did in this new timeline he created.

But watching fandom throw a ragey tantrum over a ship that wasn’t canon to begin with being sunk?

Not my favorite.

But this movie kinda is. I’m gonna go see it again. :)

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you have anyone you fully trust? Yeah. What kind of pants did you wear today? Leggings of course. How old is your television? Maybe 3 or 4 years. Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop. When did you last talk on the phone with someone? The other day.

Are you currently sleepy? Yep. Shocker. Have you ever deleted Facebook friends for a significant other? No. Have you ever had bad trust issues with someone? Yes. What accent do you think is the most attractive? Certain southern and British ones. Are you hot or cold natured? Hot. D: Do you own any television series box sets? Yes. Have you ever been in a fight with your best friend? Yes. Do you have high standards? Not for myself anymore it would seem. When did you last receive a hug and who was it from? From my mom the other day. Do you take any advanced classes? I’m done with school. What is your lucky number? I don’t have a lucky number, but my favorite number is 8. Do you own a book bag? If so, what color is it? No. Was the last movie you watched a horror film? No. Do you own a lot of tee shirts? Yes. I have too many. Do you plan your outfits ahead of time? No, but it’s always gonna be leggings, sometimes sweats, and a shirt. Have you ever spent the night in jail? No. Describe your favorite jacket? I have a few jackets, hoodies, and sweatshirts and they’re all my favorite. Are you a colorful person or quite bland? Well, my leggings are all either black or gray and I do have a lot of black shirts as well. List one word to describe your significant other? Non-existent. Do you handle pain well? No. Have you ever been so nervous you threw up? No, but I’ve definitely felt nauseous and on the verge. Where is your favorite place to go when you’re depressed? So where am I all the time? My bed. Do you remember the first survey you took? Noo. That was over 10 years ago. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 100 and something. Have you ever watched fight videos for amusement? No. I don’t find that kind of thing amusing or entertaining at all. In high school, were you in trouble a lot? I was never in trouble. Do you enjoy your hairstyle? No. I really need to get my hair dyed and trimmed. Do you have long hair or short hair? Long. How much make up do you wear on a daily basis? None on a daily basis. I very rarely wear makeup. What is your favorite television show? I have a few. Do you have a leather jacket? Faux leather, yes. I have 2. Do you think anyone dislikes you for no reason? They’d have reason. I don’t like me either. Do you have any children? My doggo. Have you ever been interviewed on television before? Yes. Do you have weak upper body strength? I used to have great upper body strength and my arms were toned. Now I’m thin and underweight. My arms lost the muscle mass I used to have. I feel weak compared to what I once was. What is the worst insult someone can call you? I don’t know, honestly. I’m mean enough and insulting to myself. Do you write on your hands a lot? I don’t write on my hands. Are you good at sketching? No. Do you think hugs are awkward? Yeah, they kinda are. Do you think facial hair is gross? Not gross, but I don’t like a lot of facial hair on guys. That’s just a personal preference. Obviously guys, do what you want. Would you ever dye your hair an unnatural color? I dye my hair red. Have you ever paid your way on a date? No. What color was the last cup you drank from? White. Ever play Angry Birds? Nope. I never got into that whole craze. Did you think it was annoying, like I did? Yes. And that Farmville game, too. It was so annoying getting those game requests on Facebook all the time before Facebook made an option to block them. Have you ever been to the zoo before? Yeah, several times. What instruments do you know how to play? I used to play some piano. It’s been over 10 years now; though, I’d be very rusty. I regret not keeping up with it and not taking it seriously. How late did you stay up last night? Until 4ish. How late do you plan on staying up tonight? Lately it’s been around 3 or 4ish in the morning, so tonight will probably be the same. Whose wall did you post on last? One of aunt’s for their birthday. Are you a mostly blunt person? No. Have you ever done hard drugs before? I’ve only done weed. Has anyone ever been weirdly obsessed with you? No. Do you own a Snuggie? Yes. What is your favorite band of all time? Linkin Park will always be one of them. We go way back to my middle school days. Do you consider yourself a good kisser? No. Would you consider getting a tattoo any time soon? I’ve wanted one for years, but I’m a big baby. Are you afraid someone might steal your identity someday? No. No one wants to be me. Are there any paintings on your wall? Yes, a few. Speaking of which, what color are your walls painted? White. Do you have any talents that come naturally? I don’t feel I have any. I’m a very average person just barely getting by in life. Do you have any piercings? My ears. What is your favorite piece of jewelry? The necklaces and rings I have with my birthstone. Is there a place you’d rather live right now? Yes. Do you change your bed sheets often? Like a couple times a month. What movie did you last watch with someone? My mom, brother, and I rewatched The Avengers: Infinity War recently to get ready for Engame. Do you go out often? Nope. Have you ever had plastic surgery before? I’ve had plastic reconstructive surgery for something. Are you afraid of airplane rides? Yes. I’ve only flown a total of 2 times, and that was back in 2006. I’d be all anxious again as if it were my first time the next time, whenever that’ll be, that I fly. How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once. Do you consider yourself a sensitive person? Yeah, I’m very sensitive. Some days it’s more so than others. I really, really hate it. What’s the best Valentine’s Day gift you’ve gotten? My mom gets my brother and I candy and a little gift for Valentine’s Day. Is there anyone who is overly nice to you? Not overly so, no. What do you think is the best smell in the world? Ooh. I love the ocean/beachy air, but I also love the smell of coffee. If you’re reading a book, what page are you currently on? I don’t feel like checking. Do you think people are intimidated by you? Ha, no. Do you have a job you like? I don’t have a job. Do you know how to do your own laundry? My mom does that for me. Have you ever lived with a roommate before? No. What song is your favorite right now? I don’t have a particular current favorite at the moment. Have you ever had a surprise at your doorstep? Just when something I’ve ordered online arrived. Do you like candles? Yeah. Would you prefer internet or television? Internet. I can watch my shows that way, too. What is something you lose often? Patience. I get very irritated and frustrated quite easily. Do you have any classes with friends? I’m done with school. Do you enter a lot of sweepstakes? I don’t enter any. What is your favorite possession in your room? Everything. What will you be doing in the next ten minutes? I’m going to make some coffee after this. How old is your oldest sibling? 34. Do you consider yourself physically active? No. How many scarves do you own, if any at all? None. I don’t like to wear them. Do you have any cuts or scratches as of now? No. Where did you last sleep? My bed. Do you have Netflix? Yeah. Are you colorblind? No. Do you know anyone personally who is colorblind? I had a teacher in high school that was colorblind. Still is, I assume. Favorite salad dressing? Ranch, Caesar, Italian, or a vinaigrette. Do you enjoy dancing? I don’t dance apart for maybe a head bob or a little movement of my arms. lol. Have you ever considered writing a novel? I actually have considered that at one time.

[vanxle]

5 stages of Endgame grief

Denial : Pretending that Engame isn't canon, that we never saw it, that a longwinded AU fanfic on AO3 is our own canon. Endgame? What's that? Never heard of it. Never seen it. Definitely never cried for 5 hours straight over it.

Anger : Cursing at the Russos, get mad at posts that said Endgame was perfect (far from it, actually). Reblogging all sort of posts about the injustices done. 100% prepared to go into any sort of argument if anyone said even one slightly-not-positive thing about our ships.

Bargaining: This is when Fanfic and Fan Theories thrive. "But hey what about the time stones? Vision came back." "What about the timelines?" "Ok but what if.." "It's actually possible that...". Lots of what-ifs and misplaced hope.

Depression: Sleeping 3 hours a night, spending the rest of the time reading (or writing) Fix-It fics, immediately on the verge of tears the moment any edits/clips/grieving posts pop up on our feed. 3 packs of tissue per night recommended.

Acceptance: Still lots of ugly crying. Can now gather the strength to accept the ending. Finally gaining the ability to open/write non-fixit fics. Usually accompanied by a long message to our OG6 expressing our love and thanking them for what they've done. (Might include take-backs on the anger directed at the Russo brothers). No matter what, we got 11 years.

I'm somewhere between 1 and 2. I think.