#i’m speculating but if any of them truly wanted to fuck off somewhere else they have had plenty of chances to do so already LOL

[badnewswhatsleft]

one of the most fascinating fob takes is when someone says joe and andy should leave to pursue other projects bc its clear andy thrives in hardcore and joe loves and does v well writing guitar-driven stuff. and its like. well ok be that as it may. have you considered. that the four of them are besties 🥰

[sortasirius]

What the Fuck Happened to the SPN Finale?

Okay so here it is, my Charlie Kelly style manifesto.

Before I get into it, I recognize that I will look like this to many of you, and that’s okay, I understand:

Secondly, your personal Takes about the writers don’t interest me, I don’t need to hear them. This, as I’ll explain, is going to remain a writer positive blog, and that’s the end of it.

Third, and most importantly: some of what I’m going to talk about is fact, and some is highly educated speculation. I will notate what is speculation, just so there’s no confusion or hot takes in my inbox that I’m a conspiracy theorist or stirring shit up for no reason.

A list of what I’ll be discussing

The episode in regards to the rest of the season

The episode issues: length, editing

Scene placement and speculation of scenes cut

The scrubbing of Jack, Cas, Eileen

Network involvement and general timeline of when things were cut

Misha: theories on where he was, official company line, why we can’t expect to hear anything directly

The silence of the cast post episode (in Misha’s case, mid episode) and what this might mean

Jensen speaking with Kripke about the ending: why it doesn’t mean what you might think (also why kripke remained positive on the ending)

Walker, and why this episode had a major shift

Why the network would do this or get involved

Why the writers of the show simply aren’t the bad guys here, and what I “want” out of this post, since I know it’ll get asked

This is very long and under a cut, but I hope you’ll give it a read.

The Episode In Regards to the Rest of the Season

So, I’ve discussed this already here, but it’s the most obvious thing to me, and that’s the way this episode simply doesn’t fit with the rest of the season.

These people in this room have, truly, been nothing but consistent when it comes to their arcs, especially this season, and the marked dropoff in quality for the finale episode is just too sus to discount to me.  Dabb’s whole focus has been character-based.  In his seasons, we’ve moved far away from MOTW and bro-codependency, the found family taking it’s place.  Does it really sit right to anyone that that was all thrown away in literally the last episode of the entire show?

This is speculation on my part, but as a writer myself, there is no way I would be happy or willing to stamp my name on something that I didn’t think would, at the very least, wrap up the season+ character arcs that I and my team had been crafting.

And before anyone comes in here saying, “well GOT did that!”  Bruh.  The writing was on the wall for GOT long before the final episode.  You could tell that the showrunners just wanted to be done (not only from the plot, but from the fact that they lobbied for a shorter season).  Miss me with that, it doesn’t apply here.  Andrew has, besides Singer and J2, been with the show longer than anyone.  He cares, he is meticulous and detailed, and this ending feels worse than anything Bucklemming has ever written, let alone Dabb.

Additionally, I’ve seen a lot of people say that Dabb was never behind Destiel, that it was all Bobo and Meredith and no one else.  That is reductive to the point of insult of the work Dabb has done to get this greenlit.  This man did not write the s13 Dean grief arc to be slandered like this.  That being said, YES, Bobo and Meredith were the leads on the DeanCas arc this season, but ANDREW IS THE SHOWRUNNER, TO GET EVEN THE CONFESSION APPROVED BY THE NETWORK HE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE THEIR BACKS.  AND HE DID.

Finale Issues

So, now that we’ve gotten the fact that this episode doesn’t hit on any of the major themes the show was barrelling towards all season, let’s discuss the fact that the episode is just...weird.

Not only is it shorter than any other episode (I think with the intro and the credits/crew thing at the end, it was around 38 mins), but it was also...idk, 90% filler?

One of the lovely humans in the POLOL server did the legwork here, and broke it down:

This is weird, y’all.  Most series finales are LONGER than normal (Lost, SOA, Longmire are the ones I can think of off the top of my head), and for the final episode to be this?  I saw more than one person point out that we only really needed 19 episodes, what was the point of 20?  AND THAT’S EXACTLY IT?  WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS FINAL EPISODE IF THIS WAS ALL WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET?

It simply doesn’t make any sense, the first half of the episode was rushed, a final monster hunt gone wrong, but in the second half?  Nothing really happened?  Sam lived his entire life and Dean just drove around.  It doesn’t make sense to have all the emotional arcs left unaddressed in an episode that definitely needed some kind of spark.

Here’s the speculation I have: the episode seemingly went through a lot of changes between the initial inception of the final season and when we actually got it, but I think it would have been passable (as in, we wouldn’t be sitting here asking each other why each arc feels incomplete) until the editing room got ahold of it.  The only think that makes this episode make sense is network fuckery.  Truly, that is the only thing.  It explains the weird, cuts, the rushed pacing of the first half followed by nothing in the second half, the double montages of “Wayward Son” back to back, and Dean just...driving around for the last half of the episode.

Scene Placement and Speculation of Scenes Cut

Before I get into this section, the info of the shots in the episode I have come from a source that @occamshipper​ got a week or so before the finale.  She’s talked about this here.

So here’s what Min was given:

1-5: 1 INT MEN OF LETTERS – DEAN’S ROOM Dean is greeted by Miracle

6-10: 6 INT MEN OF LETTERS – HALLWAY/SAM’S ROOM Sam has his routine

D1 1 11-15: 15 EXT FARM HOUSE Establishing

N1 1/8 16-20: 19 Dad’s journal, marker, drawing of masked man in journal.

21-25: 23 INT IMPALA – PMP Driver picks the music

N2 1 3/8 1,2 26-30: 28pt2 INT BARN: A face from the past

28pt3 Sam and Dean say goodbye

28pt4 Shot early for technical reasons, presumably the overhead shot

N2 31-45: 41 INT MEN OF LETTERS – SAM’S ROOM Sam’s alarm goes off D4 1/8 1 46-60: 56 INT N7glasses for Sam, laptop.

So...it all fits right?  It all tracks with the actual episode, where it lands, etc.  The issue is between shots 29-40 which were apparently “too big to spoil.”  Uh.  Where are they?  And where’s 28 pt4?

After Dean dies, the next scene is Sam burning him, then shot 31, the shot of his alarm going off.

So.  Where are those 11ish shots?

PLUS we have the boards, which are scenes we KNOW were actually shot:

As well as scenes for 20 that were shot in 19.

It’s just...weird, it’s weird and again hits on the fact that the episode is so short and like 80% montage.

The Scrubbing of Jack, Cas, and Eileen

So now we have to reckon with the fact that Eileen was last mentioned by Sam after she got snapped by Chuck, Jack’s last mention is that he’s off being God somewhere, and Cas’ last mention is a ~knowing look~ between Dean and Bobby.

I’m sorry, make it make sense:

????????  That’s the end if it?  They don’t need to be discussed after this???  It’s just simply not something a writer would do, they would not introduce these characters, these arcs, without thinking there’s going to be some kind of follow through here.

So not only were three major characters (including two leads and both of the original characters’ love interests) completely wiped from the finale episode, it was as though Sam and Dean never even needed them, which just...ain’t it.

So why Eileen and Jack too?  Why not just take Cas out of it if they were afraid of the gay?  Because, ultimately, the episode went back to Kripke’s original story: just the bros, they only need each other and no one else.  They don’t want anyone else, they don’t need anyone else.  Easier to go back to something they knew was successful than trust the writers and their audience and take a big leap.

Alex even said he shot for 20 with “some of the guys” here.  What happened to that footage?

The complete 180 of it all still shocks me, I still cannot believe that we were essentially at the finish line, and the network just stopped short, and decided to go run another race, at the expense of the arc of this fifteen year legacy show.

Network Involvement and When Things Were Cut

Okay, now into the juicy stuff.

So I’ve pretty well established that network fuckery is clear, but how much did they get involved, what was the original intent?

Well again, we may never actually know what Andrew’s original script was, but I think, at the least, it would involve Dean speaking his truth to Cas and Sam living a life with Eileen.

Now, it seems today, that Misha said that Jimmy Novak was supposed to be in the finale in one iteration of the script, and while initially my brain was like “that truly makes no sense and he’s either straight up lying or telling a half truth,” I think what may be happening is Misha talking about as much as he can right now.

So Jimmy right.  Weird as fuck.  Why would he been in the Roadhouse and not Cas?  My current thought (this is about as reachy as I’ll get) is that Jimmy had no lines, could he have been in the Roadhouse as a red herring, like it said “Jimmy” in the script but it was just Cas in human clothes, a way to get around the network saying Cas couldn’t be in the final scene.  Also, you’ll notice that Misha didn’t say that Cas wasn’t supposed to be in the ep at all, just Jimmy in the last scene.

All this to say, there have clearly been multiple versions of the script, getting lighter and lighter with Cas and Eileen as the network pulled further and further back.  Remember, Dabb has to get things approved before they get shot, and if the network kept asking and asking and asking to cut Cas and Eileen, he had to find a way to work around it.  Granted, I still think that if we had been able to get a Dabb script that wasn’t torn to shreds in editing, it wouldn’t be so bad.  It may not be what a lot of us wanted (Dean speaking his truth to Cas and a reciprocation), but doing everything he could to give it to us in subtext or visual clues.

Plus, in all honesty, my man can’t keep his story straight anyway.  He said twice in his panel that the Empty and offscreen Heaven ending weren’t his original ending either.

In addition, remember that Jensen did ADR post episode 18, AND said in a meet and greet last weekend that Dean’s reaction to Cas’ confession was “cut down.” (Source here).  Many of us clowns got excited when we first heard about ADR, because we thought it would be upping the ante on Dean’s reaction, but I remember being a little sus when it was just crying.  My speculation on that is that they cut out Dean actually SAYING something, @winchestersingerautorepair​ spoke about that here.

The biggest sins were, in my opinion, committed during editing, where the network got too gun shy and sliced the episode until it was nothing but a heartless bro-fest of a finale, not mentioning anything about the other major characters that we all love, and letting the boys just suffer in separation until Sam died and finally joined Dean in Heaven.  The editing came by cutting all the major emotional beats between anyone other than Dean and Sam, leaving the skeleton of the story intact, just shorter and less...poignant than it was ever supposed to be.

Misha

We know Misha was in Vancouver, we know he quarantined, but we also know he wasn’t in the final scene, when he spoke about being in the last moment of the show months ago.  We were not crazy, he was there, he quarantined, and, in all likelihood (speculation but fitting with the timeline), he actually may have shot something (not much, but something).

I have sources here, here, here, and here showing where Misha was at that time.

Remember, the man was completely open about coming back until they finished shooting (look at this thread).  The switch happened, just like everything else, halfway through them shooting.

Please also remember Jake Abel posting his “Where’s Misha” video here.  Jake isn’t malicious, he isn’t being nasty here.  Misha was there, and everyone that’s trying to convince people he’s wasn’t just...isn’t telling the truth about it.

This is one of the things that makes me really mad, because they’re literally attempting to gaslight people into thinking, “oh we were totally wrong he was never supposed to be there” WHEN HE WAS THERE, WE KNOW HE WAS THERE.

So we’ve already heard from several people (Meghan Fitzmartin, Jay, a PA on the set of 19 (WHO WAS NOT WORKING FOR 20), Misha himself) that this was all down to Covid restrictions.  Ultimately, as this post says, we’ve heard FIVE versions of where Misha was.  None of it makes sense, but the Covid protocol seems to be the company line that others are repeating.

You may ask: why?  Why lie to all of us when we have questions?  Why, in Jay’s case, say that we’re all spreading false lies to stir up trouble, when we just have questions and things that do not make sense.  Simply?  Warner Brothers is absolutely massive.  These people have their careers to protect and are likely all under NDAs.  They want to work for WB again and don’t want to burn bridges, including Misha.  It sucks, but that’s why it’s unlikely that we’ll hear someone come out and say, “yeah we’re lying to you.”

Silence of the Cast Post Episode

So this is...probably the worst part of all this, at least in my opinion.

The guys had all been pretty excited about the end of the show (especially Jared, but Jensen’s panel last week was Jensen as happy and jokey and positive as I’ve ever seen him.  He was so excited about episode 18, about what it meant for Dean and for Cas, and I just cannot buy that he would have been that excited unless he thought there was something more in the episode.

Misha live-tweeted the episode, and was watching it with his kids.  It’s well known that Misha and the kids don’t watch the show because it’s too scary, and let’s ask ourselves, why would he have them watch an episode that he’s barely even mentioned in?

He also stopped live-tweeting at a very specific point in the episode (Dean’s death) and has not mentioned Supernatural since then. 

None of them, not Jared, Jensen, Misha, or even Alex, said anything about the episode for nearly 36 hours, when Jensen posted a salty photo on instagram.  It’s just...not what you’d expect for the end of a 15 year show, when the cast and crew are so close to the fans, so close to each other. 

My theory?  They didn’t know.  They thought Misha was, at least, going to be in the episode in some way, and when he wasn’t, they decided not to say anything.

You really think that Jensen “Heller” Ackles would have been so excited about the end of the show last week if he thought Cas wasn’t going to be in it at all?  Nah son, doesn’t make any sense.

Even today, in Jared and Misha’s panels, they seemed sad and...more than a little careful, both saying that there were things they couldn’t say, both talking around things that we all have questions on.

Jensen Speaking with Kripke

So this is where a lot of people are getting fodder to take shots at the writers, saying that Jensen hated it from the beginning, but I don’t think so.  I actually think I know what Jensen went to him about, and it wasn’t the lack of Cas or the weird pacing or the montages (which I don’t think were there when Jensen got the script); I think it was the manner of Dean’s death.

I know a lot of people were upset about that, upset with how...normal it was, coming off an episode where they literally beat God.  I actually didn’t mind it, I thought it was an interesting thematic take to be like: you can be a hero all your life, but sometimes shit happens, and you just die.

But imagine how hard that was for Jensen to read.  He would run to Kripke for that, because for him, Dean dying by being impaled by a piece of rebar had to be tough to swallow.

So, why didn’t Kripke say that?  Why didn’t he say, “oh well he had a problem with Dean’s death, none of that other stuff was in the script.”

Guys.  Why would he get involved?  He’s not going to burn bridges any more than anyone else is.  He said the ending was good because it’s the easy thing to do, it’s simple, will cause him no problems in his career, and he can just ignore the people trying to engage with him on it.

Walker

Something else to talk about is the major shift this episode had from the rest of the season: the shift from Dean to Sam.  I am NOT saying that Sam isn’t important, he definitely, absolutely is, but it was DEAN who really needed to wrap up his arc, Sam just needed to move on, get married to Eileen, become the leader he was always meant to.  So what changed?  What was with the shirtless scene, the Austin number and random case there, most of the episode being heavily Sam focused, going through his entire life in a montage?

Anyone else notice the 375 Walker promos, or Jared’s little spiel about Walker and how he hoped SPN fans would “come along for the ride.”

It’s...kinda obvious?  CW wanted to appeal to who they think the key demographic of SPN and Walker is: rural areas in the South.  It would explain a lot, why so much editing, why so Sam focused, the Austin number, the number of Walker promos, all of it.

I’m not saying this is fact, I don’t know that it is, but it is a little suspicious that even in Jared’s panel today, he talked A LOT about Walker and how he hopes SPN fans will watch it.

Why Would the Network Get Involved?

Simply put: $$$

If they think Walker can be the new SPN, and that those crazy SPN fans liked it originally, it’s a lot safer to go with the “original intent” of the show than do something risky (like making one of your two original leads queer).

And?  They don’t care.  They don’t care that the episode didn’t make sense, they don’t care that all the emotional arcs were left hanging, they don’t care by (potentially) smashing together two of Dean’s monologues (one to Sam, one to Cas) that it came of as...gross. ( @curioussubjects​ wrote a beautiful post showing how part of that death speech was likely meant for Dean here).  They don’t care, they never have, they just want to make their money and move on from the too-loud fandom that fought for representation too hard for too long.

It can’t help but feel insidious, which, honestly, it might be, but it really all comes down to the next cash cow, which, they think, is Walker, even at the cost of the fifteen year legacy show.

The Writers and What I Want

So here it is, all this weird, sus shit laid out on the line.  And you know what?  To me, there is no way to blame the writers, because they didn’t want this.

I don’t think Dabb and Bobo would have gone ahead with the confession in 18 without thinking that there would be some closure to that arc, they wouldn’t have done that not only to the fans, but for the sake of their own story as well: no writer wants to start something that they can’t finish. (And this applies to both Cas and Eileen).

Here’s a basic rundown of what I think happened: they had a clear arc from 18-20, ending in reciprocation at some level from Dean, Sam marrying Eileen, Hunter Sam as the new Bobby, Dean in heaven with Cas and big roadhouse reunion at the end. Covid prevented a good amount of that. Network had to stare at big gay 18 for six months, got cold feet. Thought about Walker, target audience and alienation of the rural areas if it went full gay. Misha quarantined and likely shot something (not much), he was then cut by execs and went home. They likely added in lines referencing Eileen and Cas to make it clear but more subtextual. They wrap, editing gets it and hacks it to pieces, so we get a shorter episode that’s mostly montages and jarringly bro-centric with nothing else. Arcs are left hanging. Dabb gets episode but it’s too late, there’s nothing he can do. Actors aren’t told so they can continue to do positive PR for the ending, they all found out at the same time we did: hence almost complete silence about the finale.

And you know what?  They warned us.  I talked about it here, but they’ve been telling us all season that Chuck wasn’t the writer, he’s the network.  I don’t think, still, that they thought it would be cut up like this, into something so unsalvageable that it’s been panned by almost everyone, even people who didn’t care much about Dean and Cas.

Finally, a masterpiece can be ruined by editing, and while I’m not sure even the script they ended up shooting on was a masterpiece (due to the network meddling already), but to me it’s blatantly obvious that it’s no one but the network that caused this, that took away closure for Dean, Cas, and even Sam.

So what do I want?  Nothing really, there’s nothing we can do, but I wrote this mostly to show people that the writers are not your enemy.   In fact, to the people trashing them?  You’re doing exactly what the CW wants you to: blame the obvious targets, blame Misha, blame Jensen and Jared, blame Dabb.  Scream and yell at them on Twitter and about how the show is ruined because of them.  The network keeps their engagement levels high, they don’t get as targeted for their behavior, and just keep moving along.

Just, please, think about who did this,  Mourn the show, be angry, but not at the people who fought tooth and nail for this for literal years, not the people who wanted it more than we did, not the people who cannot say anything because of their careers and the NDAs they’re bound by.

Someone is going to spill eventually, but until then, we just have to wait, and continue to be loud.

[falcor-thee-luck-dragon]

Love Cuts Deep

Chapter 1- She Ran With Wolves

Bucky Barnes x powered (f)reader Series Re-write (Civil War, Infinity War/Endgame, TFATWS)

Summary: You’re a survivor, always have been and always will be. After narrowly escaping the clutches of Hydra years ago, you’ve been keeping to the shadows for as long as time allows. With Hydra suddenly exposed and your secrets in the open, you’re on the hunt for the last part of your past, but is he ready to see you again?

Warning: angst, talk of violence, some fluff mixed in (a little); way more to come

Masterlist

Side note- This is a TFATWS Series Re-write!!! Obviously lol, anyways. Readers powers are heavily inspired by a certain Marvel badass and I just thought her powers would work so well for this. Also they’re cool as fuck.

September, 15th 2013

Location: S.H.I.E.L.D Headquarters, Washington D.C.

This recent project Fury had sent her on was beginning to make itself quit the annoyance for Natasha this past of couple weeks, granted he always gave her the toughest assignments, understanding that no one else can dig up as much dirt as the Black Widow can.

But this? This was different, the target in question was practically a ghost, a legend among the ones lucky, or possibly unlucky enough to have been made aware of this dangerous individual. But no matter how much she asked around from her various secretive resources on the problem in question, this mystery person was simply just rumor to them. Or perhaps too much of a sour subject to seek into any further. Although one thing was always prevalent, people were scared.

But why?

The assassin leans back in her chair, a thoughtful expression crossing over her features as she stares bitterly down at the top secret file gifted to her by Fury himself. Suddenly a door closes, she shuts the file in an instant, only to be greeted with the apologetic face of Steve as he walks past her.

“Sorry. Fury told me you would be in here.” Begins Steve as he takes the nearby couch, something small and metal in his right hand, “Said you were assigned some impossible case. How’s it going so far?”

Letting out a jaded sigh, she shifts her gaze over to the window, “The absolute vagueness of this person is....frustrating to say the least. All I’ve been able to gather is that they’ve been part of some top secret experimentation on pregnant women. Somehow they’re involved with it....I just, gotta figure out how.” She adds with a conflicted expression dancing across her features.

Steve hums in thought, “Sounds complicated.”

“You have no idea.” Mutters Natasha unenthusiastically as her green irises shift back down to the annoying little file.

Steve palms the object in his hand before gaining his friends attention once again, “Here. Fury told me to give this to you.” Her brows furrow in thought as she reaches over and quickly accepts the strange hard drive looking object, “I think this will help. It has the location of the target and who they are. That’s it.....Well, the last reported location.”

“How did he?” She wonders aloud, face suddenly breaking out into an irked grin, “Fury you son of a bitch, about time I found a legitimate lead.”

——

Sitting on her comfortable apartment couch, Natasha sifts through the various encrypted files from the hard drive that’s currently plugged into her laptop. So far she’s spent about two hours breaking through the various encrypted file blockers and now at long last has finally made some real progress.

Studying the brightly glowing screen, she moves her finger, clicking another coded link that reads -V13X11- she’s immediately greeted with a black screen and the slightly blurred picture of a woman’s face who’s looking rather stoic and fearless against the camera flash. Her eyes are set and hard as stone, dark and almost angry behind lips that show the ghost of a forced smile. She’s noticeably an overall attractive woman, in kind of a terrifying and intimidating sort of way, like looking at a fierce lioness standing valiantly against a foe; nonetheless she stares defiantly at the person behind the camera. 

Her eye color, weight, date of birth, and presumably patient number, that's printed in big bold letters 00X13 on the glowing screen, right below her squared portrait. Furrowing her brows, Natasha scrolls down to see about a paragraph long of personal information given about the woman. Including, to the red heads tremendous surprise, a birth name, Y/N Valerious.

Oddly enough, the name indeed sounds a tad bit familiar, though she can’t quit place from where.

The file states that she was raised in a facility on the outskirts of Surinda, Russia; someplace in Siberia, close to the heart of the mammoth country. Trained by the organization Hydra and summitted into inhuman experimentation by the specific facility that held her, however the rest is all encrypted and impossible to translate into something comprehensible much to Natasha’s utter disappointment. 

Huffing in frustration, she slips out the hard drive before shutting down her laptop and slamming it shut. The room is darker by now with the sun gone, and tomorrow it appears that Natasha will be off to Sweden to confront this woman, Y/N, in hopes of gathering valuable intel into the people who created her, and any important information regarding her troubled past. 

If she’s willing to comply.

——

Closing your laptop, you stand and wander over to the opened window to stretch before taking a deep breath of freshly brisk winter air. The land here in Uppsala, Sweden is more beautiful and peaceful then you could have ever imagined since renting an apartment two months ago. In fact, this is probably the longest you’ve ever stayed in one spot since abandoning the life of an assassin many years ago.

Though you know it won’t be much longer until you leave again, but you can’t just yet, there happens to be a certain agent on her way to find you. Fury unknowingly received your encrypted hard drive with opened arms, foolishly under the impression it was sent from an old friend when he reached out for answers into your complicated history. Then when the Black Widow eventually clicked open your link, bam, you could see everything she was nosily sifting through. Everything you wanted her to see. You honestly wouldn’t be surprised if something dramatic happened to the people over in D.C. at this point, idiots, all of them.

For the past couple years S.H.I.E.L.D has become sort of a troubling snooping nuisance for you, constantly delving their way into your relatively uneventful lifestyle every couple of months, meddling around to figure out if you’re still currently active for Hydra and if not, are you willing to pay for your crimes or to join them like she did. Definitely not on your to do list any time soon.

Watching as a small black bird zips by, you quickly shut your window and close the dark colored curtains to block yourself from the rest of the chaotic world. Hastily making your usual rounds about the apartment to be absolutely certain all the possible openings are locked. Soon after you head for bed, ready to face the ex-assassin whenever she arrives in the following days ahead.

-

Seated at your kitchen table, you casually sip at your steaming hot tea while watching security footage from downstairs from when you hacked into their system, the same night you began renting the place. As expected, the notorious red head slips her way into the building and up the four flights of stairs until finally a light knock is heard at your old wooden door.

So she wants to do this cleanly.

Switching off the device, you stuff it in a nearby drawer before calmly walking down the tiny hallway over to the frontdoor and opening it, lock off and all. Her green eyes blink in curious surprise as you show her no indications of aggression; she’s about your height if not maybe slightly smaller, thick scarf and a winters coat about her person as she holds a normal sized black bag in her right hand. No doubt a gun concealed somewhere close, a light precaution in case things go south from here.

Trailing your wary gaze from her travel bag to her pale face, you raise an intrigued brow, “I assume you’re here for me?” You ask with the tinge of a confident Eastern European accent as she slowly nods, eyes calculated and calm as she studies your mellow yet slightly defensive stance.

Pursing plush lips together, she casually shrugs with a light hearted smile, “I only realized you must have sent that hard drive when I arrived in London...”

“Well I’ve gotten rather bored running away from your persistent bastards over in America.” You interrupt before opening up your door even wider, gifting her an open invitation instead of a fight, “Come in. I assume we have much to discuss.”

Following you to the table, she sets her bag on the closest chair as you take another sip from your tea. Cautious eyes trained on her every move as she shifts a bit uncomfortably in her chair, “So, I assume you’re not here to sell me that pretty bag of yours. Not that I’d want it.”

She smirks at your blunt sarcasm, pleased to know you’ve at least got a sense of humor after all you’ve endured, “No. I’m here to learn about who created you and if there are any more. Y/N, I’m well aware of how dangerous you truly are...but given the fact that you’ve had time to adjust, and let me into your home willingly. I came seeking answers. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Folding your hands together, you tilt your head at her thoughtfully, “Well that’s good. I didn’t really want killing the Black Widow on my conscience, though I’d speculate a few would be relieved.” You quip with a playful smirk before your face turns serious again, “I’ll tell you about the fuckers who made me. Then you leave and never bother me again. Understood?” You add in almost a growl.

Handing you a polite smile, she nods in agreement, “Of course. You have my word.” You take another sip of your tea as she reaches into her bag, a beige file suddenly plants itself atop your kitchen table. “This is the only surviving file on you. It’s enough, but there’s too many cracks that need to be filled. I need to know how they conducted the experiments and who else survived them. This is important for the safety of S.H.I.E.L.D and the rest of the world. Y/N, we’re trying to make sure something like this can never happen again. And well, any secrets on Hydra always helps.”

Setting your cup down, you smirk, “This should be filled with liquor if I’m going to be spilling some top secret Hydra business of this velocity.” You muse, setting aside your mug, your face quickly shifts to a more serious expression. “For starters this isn’t a very heartwarming story.”

“Neither is mine.” Begrudgingly admits the ex-assassin.

“Well, at least we have something in common then, Black Widow.” You assert with a pointed look before leaning back against the barred wood of your chair, thinking of where to start first. Your eyes trail over to the window as you begin your story, “This place, where they kept us. The scientists working for Hydra wanted to test out special DNA altering serums on the embryos of willing participants. Well, we weren’t willing....but they targeted the poor, feigning a program that would pay these mothers-to-be thousands if they participated. Plus a comfortable place to stay for awhile.” You reveal before taking another sip of your tea, “You see, I’m not originally from Russia, my home was some nameless village in Eastern Europe that I’ve forgotten the name of by now, it was so long ago. But anyways, I guess fate has a funny way of administering it’s business to the ones seeking safety in times of struggle. So my mother...” You take another sip of your tea to help clear your throat and head a little bit, God you hate talking about this.

Setting it down again, you continue, “Mine accepted. They took her and twenty-two others to this facility deep in the woods. This place was practically a paradise for them...” You chuckle miserably, “soon enough the scientists pumped them full of drugs and began their altering of the embryos DNA, genetic codes, and whatever else they saw fit to mess with. Nine months later we came into this world kicking and screaming.”

“Shit.” Mutters Natasha in astonishment, fully engrossed in your story as she starts to realize maybe her upbringing wasn’t as fucked as yours.

“They monitored us for the first few months, waiting to see if anyone acted strange....nothing, to their utter disappointment. Soon they drew blood samples and as it turned out, we all had altered DNA from the serum. Just as they’d planned.”

Her brows furrow in puzzlement before she asks, “How’d you get your powers then? I don’t think I missed anything.” Insists your guest questionably as you shake your head.

“You didn’t. But you have to understand that as we grew older, all of us basically became tiny super soldiers as fucked as that is, not only did they change our genetic code for meddling with later on when we got older. But this serum was so well developed that it completely fused with the fetuses genetic code, only causing us to grow stronger as we aged from toddlers to three-year-old's and up. Testing even revealed that it slowed down our ageing process just like with Captain America. But it wouldn’t be effective till we reached our mid to late twenties.”

Natasha takes a moment to process your words before she nods in acknowledgment, “Y/N. It’s my understanding that this is a buried secret from the organization for good reason, it’s just....what year did this all take place? It’s not in any of the records I was able to dig up, not even in yours, nothing except for your date of birth.” States Natasha curiously, stopping you before you speak of anything else.

Nodding you lean your arms against the wooden table, leaning in a bit closer now, “1953, after World War ll when people where still recovering from the heavy aftermath while the Cold War was still raging on when well, you know.” Giving her a lopsided shrug, you glance from an old faded picture on the wall then back to her, “Lets just say Russia wasn’t exactly having a stellar time, nor was my mother for that matter.” You Conclude before aimlessly pursuing your lips together, “Which yes, makes me at around 60 years old. Don’t I look pretty.” You add, voice dripping in sarcasm.

Natasha’s eyes concede silent astonishment as she blinks back surprise, “Even after all these years doing what I do, meeting the people that I have. I’m still left speechless every once in awhile. Y/N I can’t even imagine what you’ve seen.” Reveals the red head honestly as her green irises flicker from your file then back up to you, a conflicted expression dancing across her features, “How did they...how did you gain your powers, aside from what the serum gave you in the process?”

An apprehensive sigh escapes freely from your lips while you lean back into the creaky old chair, a troubled look darkening your features as you avoid her intrigued gaze, “They waited until we were twelve before testing us....in the meantime we lived as normal children; learning, playing, and training to survive. You know, the typical stuff.” You add with a small breathy laugh, though no humor finds your eyes, “We had our mothers until a year before they began the experiments. But it wasn’t that terrible of a loss since they trained us to adapt to our environment and never fully depend on anyone but ourselves.....it’s sick. And I’m not even sure what they did to them, I guess I never will.”

She nods as you make a disgusted face, an acidic hatred rising in your chest at the thought of your childhood, “I’m sorry, I can’t even imagine how traumatic that must have been.”

“Oh believe me, it gets better.” You joke bitterly, “In pairs of two they tested us, putting us into rooms where two doctors would strap us down and stick a needle into our skin. After that, they waited until something dramatic happened. Oh, and it sure as fuck did.” You conclude with a sneer.

Biting her lip anxiously, Natasha asks anyway, “How many survivors?”

Scoffing, you shake your head in revulsion for what those doctors did to everyone, an angry expression soon crossing your features, “One.” You sourly mutter, “All my other friends died of the new serum they gave us, either right then and there on the table, or in the following days. You see, it was supposed to blend with our altered DNA to create something powerful out of it, something beyond humans normal capabilities. It just ended up horribly mutating everyone except for me.” You whisper, clear sadness and hatred coating your very words.

Your eyes stare sharply at the peeling table top paint, a frown on your lips as you take in a deep breath before continuing, “What they did to me....no one should have to go through something so goddamn agonizing, I was only a child, just a little girl in a terrible place whether I knew it or not....and you know how it affected me?” She slowly shakes her head no as you smile miserably, your brows furrowed in pain, “I was gifted with bone claws that retracted out of my knuckles and one from each of my feet.” You confirm, eyes suddenly darkening in fury, “And you know what those goddamn bastards did to me afterwards? Like I hadn’t suffered enough from the pain of it all, they pumped me full of liquid Adamantium. Turning my claws to solid metal, the fucking strongest material on earth. Right in the body of an eleven year old child!” You shout furiously as she flinches back at your outburst, blinking hard, you let out a heavy breath before leaning back into your chair in defeat.

Calm down, Y/N. It’s just a memory now.

Strong brows dent her clear skin in thought as you await a response, after a few long moments does she soon gather her racing mind, lacing her fingers together she raises a brow at you, “That doesn’t explain how you’ve survived so long. The years working for Hydra, they turned you into a weapon....yet you’ve escaped and haven’t been killed yet. Not even a scratch to be found.....well, at least that I can see.”

Turning to face the puzzled assassin, you give her a lopsided grin, your chill composure coming back to you quickly enough, “I didn’t just get claws from the enhanced serum that fucked with my genetic make-up, it completely heightened my humanly abilities. Suddenly I was stronger, faster, and all my senses felt like they were on overload. Best of it all, I came to realize I had accelerated healing capabilities. Who would have thought that their shitty inhuman experiments would have gone so horrendously, yet with the one miracle of an exception. Me.”

“I had figured that branch of Hydra was meddling on dangerous ground, I hadn’t realized the extent of what they were doing. Did they try making any more like you?” She wonders.

“I was the last. Since I was the only compatible vessel, they didn’t want to waste anymore time or money on others who could possibly fail.” You explain with a shrug, “I became one of their most treasured assets.”

Pursing her lips together, she gives a slight nod before revealing a different file from her bag, you watch as she pauses for a moment before opening it up, you quickly take notice of the many white papers pinned together. Some with encrypted symbols and words while others are in plain English. Your brows furrow as she flips the first page to reveal...

“I know I came asking for answers about classified information, but this won’t be a complete mission if I don’t ask you about your time with Hydra.” Proposes the red head cautiously while she studies your face for any hostile reactions, not getting anything but skepticism, she continues, “I understand you were very important to them. It’s recorded you’ve completed about three dozen kills over an active period of about thirty-seven years.”

You scoff before muttering, “So it would seem. They gave me my first mission in 1971...when I was 17.”

“Right, but that’s not exactly what I’m seeking.” Her eyes immediately trail down to the files, “I assume you must have seen this man at least once...” She flips another page over and pulls out a playing card sized photograph, she turns it around and slides it closer to you. Instantly you recognize who he is, but how did she?..

“I haven’t seen him in years, nor heard of him for that matter.” You mutter, though your tone shifts to a more aggravated one.

Noticing this difference, Natasha continues, “That’s the look of someone who has met him for less then friendly reasons. What happened to the Winter Soldier?” You take a long moment to study his stoic face of icy blue and white, and black; its when he was in the Cryostacis chamber, the place where they would freeze him to keep their Winter Soldier locked away until he was needed for a new mission. All that you can fully witness is his sleeping face, though you know exactly what he looks like up close and with no ice crystals in his dark hair.

Letting out a heavy sigh, you slide the photograph back over to her folder, “I met him when I was 25 in 1979, Hydra needed us for a duel mission somewhere in South Africa, they needed their best. We were tasked with locating and stealing some precious metal which we later learned was Vibranium, because apparently they had used the last of the Adamantium on me.” You reveal with a casual shrug, “It went relatively well as expected...and well, we worked with each other many times after that, until I escaped and he was sent to kill me in 2009.”

“You knew him for almost twenty-nine years. Do you know where he might be now?”

Scoffing, you almost laugh, “Even if I did, you’d never get him. But if I’d have to assume, he’s probably frozen in some cryo tank somewhere in the middle of Russia. Waiting to be let loose again so he can take out a new enemy of the state.”

“Right.” Nods the Black Widow as she closes up her files, her green irises quickly on you again, “Thank you for your time, and for the heavy material you spoke of.”

“It was a long time ago, someone else should remember what those fuckers did to innocent mothers and their children. No one in this entire world knows except for me, you, and the doctors I haven’t killed yet.” You growl with venom lacing your every word.

Soon you watch as she swiftly rises to her feet, as you do the same, “I wish you well then.” Affirms the Black Widow as you follow her lead to the door, she stands on the other side for a moment before asking, “Is there any way I could find you again?”

Leaning against the door frame, you break out into a knowing smirk as she stands waiting expectantly, “If you’re lucky, you’ll never see me again. Goodbye agent Romanoff.” And with that do you gently close the door, leaving her in the hallway with a plethora of useful information, but still nothing significantly useful on the Winter Soldier, now only time will tell if he ever happens to show up on her radar again. Hopefully not, she thinks doubtfully before turning on her heels and sauntering off down the hallway.

——

Almost two whole years had passed since last you’ve spoken to the assassin, in that time you’ve watched her speak on live television when Hydra had finally been exposed to the world and all their secrets let loose for the prying hungry eyes of the public.

Even some of your own information had been leaked, the world knew who you were now, what atrocities you’ve committed for the organization during your time with them and that you’ve been M.I.A since 2009. Now you’re on an international watchlist. Fantastic. Apparently some very important leaders of the world and other prestige family members alike aren’t very fond of yourself for murdering their adversaries or filthy rich husbands. 

But it’s not like you had a choice, Hydra would always alter your memories when they shocked you into forgetting who you even were; thus you’d complete a mission and a couple days or so later would your mind stitch itself back together again the best it could from the electrical trauma. Only the killing part would be a dark and fuzzy memory, thus revealing itself to you in bits and pieces at a time. Soon everything blurred together and you just complied or face getting electrocuted multiple times a session, until your eyes remained empty and dangerous.

Considering you’ve been on the run since that information was released, in this time, you’ve tracked down past agents and doctors alike who had wronged you, considering you now had full access to their recent history. Hence increasing your body count as you went from one country to the next, making the world a tad bit lighter with their darkness whipped from existence.

Although soon enough you became unsettled with the loads of information expunged from Hydra, your mind inevitably making a one eighty back to a certain broody super soldier from your complicated past. He must be in the world somewhere, living as a secret civilian or whatnot. He has to be. And you’ve decided to find him before someone else does.

Maybe it was curiosity, or the fact that he was like you and shared a bloody history with Hydra, but your instinctual drive to find the Winter Soldier eventually drew you the beautiful city of Bucharest, Romania. Although he didn’t make finding him effortless in the slightest, after endless days hacking into network databases looking for even a snippet of information. You found a lead.

Turns out airport security footage is very useful, even more so, footage from around the city’s grant center; and from there you were able to track him to Romania. Eventually after a couple of days in the city, you were able to catch a glimpse of him at the local market place and thus followed him to his little shitty apartment without him as so much as noticing.

Once he left again, you slipped inside and began your wait for his eventual return. But will he even want to speak with you? Does he even remember you? Your memories hadn’t been continuously whipped like his were, granted you were forced into cryo more then once and electroshocked into forgetting your memories. It eventfully stopped once they realized your mind would just heal itself into remembering again, so instead they threatened you with a tracking device deep into your skin tissue that would blow up if you tried to run.

Clearly you eventually found a way around this, as terrible of a memory it gave you.

——

Looking out the window, your ears suddenly pick up the sound of boots stealthily walking down the hallway, they’re incredibly light against the tiles outside, perhaps he somehow knows you’ve been following him. A moment later the scent of a man fills your nostrils and you know he’s inside the apartment. You could barely hear the door.

He’s silent as a mouse, nothing indicating he’s even there except for his rapidly thudding heartbeat that pounds anxiously against his strong chest; you slowly turn to face him. His hat from earlier is gone, dark blue eyes stare warily on you while soft breaths emit from his slightly parted lips. He’s not afraid, but he is nervous.

Folding your arms over your chest, you take a glance around the room, “Nice place.” You confirm casually, eyes back on the Winter Soldier in a second as the corner of your lips pull into a humored half grin, “I’m not here to complete some personal Vendetta against you, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Then why are you here?” His voice is more curious then cold, maybe he can be reasoned with after all.

Taking a step forward, you shrug, “Wanted to make sure you aren’t still on their side.”

He keeps silent for a moment as you watch him watch you, “I’m done with them.” Mutters Bucky, disgust dripping off his words. That’s exactly what you wanted to hear. Progress.

“Good.” You add with the tiniest of smiles before motioning towards his little kitchen table, “Mind if we sit and talk? As, well...I guess civilians now.”

Studying your face for any indication of falseness and hostility, he’s pleasantly surprised when he finds none. Bucky takes off both of his gloves and sits, metal hand shinning in the low lighting. A threat or a precaution? Maybe he just wants it off?

You follow his example, and soon the two of you sit not even three feet away from each other. Both yourself and Bucky hold an awkward silence for a long moment as the tension in the room rises, shifting your gaze from the counter behind him, you don’t really notice as he trails his eyes over your face, “I remember you.” Reveals Bucky to your great surprise, your eyes falling onto him in an instant, “They sent us on missions together, until you left and they woke me up to kill you for it.”

Smiling, you let out a humored breath of air, “Turns out you didn’t miss me after all. I gave you a nice scar for your troubles though, you still have it?”

Bucky purses his lips into the tiniest of shadowy grins, although no real joy is shown, “It’s a thin little line across my left rib cage. Just barely reached my bone.” Yeah, and I would have if you didn’t punch me in the eye socket first, you think to yourself from when the Winter Soldier had tracked you down. But that’s a long story.

“Glad it’s healed and they didn’t have you come after me a second time. I don’t think I would have let you live again.”

He thinks hard for a second as he processes your words, “You let me live? The first time?”

“Well,” You serenely admit, “I couldn’t exactly kill you...I guess, well....I don’t really know why I didn’t kill you when I had the chance. Guess I’m not as ruthless as Hydra wanted.” You mumble with a conflicted frown, the two of you keep silent before you break the odd tension, “Doesn’t matter now. I heard about what happened in D.C. just like the rest of the world. Gotta say, I was wondering what everyone over there had been getting themselves into.”

“They leaked everything.” Mumbles Bucky with a knowing flash of insight within his dark restless eyes.

“I know.” You add with a slow nod, “I’ve been traveling more cautiously for the past year and a half now. You’d think they’d let us live in peace, of course not. But I guess it means the world knows what a piece of shit organization Hydra is. So that’s something.”

“Yes.” Agrees Bucky, eyes trailing from your fingerless gloves to your face, of course he remembers what hides beneath, “What happened to you since you left?

Fumbling with your fingers as they lay against his table, you turn you head to the window, the ghost of a smile dancing across your lips, “Surviving. You?”

He shifts his gaze back down to his metal hand as you turn to face him, “About the same I’d say.”

Leaning back against your creaky wooden chair, you hand him a small yet friendly smile, “Well then. What of us now? Two ex-assassins alone in the world. With nothing but our wit and fists to keep us afloat.” You add with a low chuckle, he doesn’t crack.

Losing your smile, the two of you keep silent as ghosts for a long moment before Bucky shifts uncomfortably in his seat, “I got some tea.” Replies the admittedly handsome man now since you have a moment to really look; the briefest hint of a grin revealing itself against his lips for only but a flash of a second. But you still see it.

Fumbling with your fingers you give him a pursed lip grin, “I like tea.”

[oswinsdolma]

Yes, it's nearly 2.00am (because that's apparently the only time I have inspiration to write essays) but I've been thinking a lot about this lately and wanted to get it off my chest, so here you go:

The main goal of Merlin becomes disturbingly fractured along the way, which opens up the gaps for the prophecy to seep through instead of following the expected channels, but it can essentially be boiled down to three key elements 1) build albion; 2) decriminalise magic and 3) save Arthur, but when all is said and done, we never really see any of those objectives achieved.

Now, there are a few reasons for this, both from a writing perspective and a plot perspective. The first, and one of the most obvious, is that this show loves irony. I won't go into a lot of detail here because I've already written a whole ass essay in this very subject, but in a nutshell, you can look at this from two perspectives: firstly, it's important to establish that this technique is purely about the angst: it's the writers' way of provoking a reaction from an anguished audience, but it's foreshadowed just enough to make it more painful than it is shocking. Alternatively, there is the more plot motivated irony in that it genuinely makes a good story. Irony is a technique that has been used for thousands of years, not just because it provokes a reaction from the audience, but because it allows you to explore your characters in greater detail than before, riddling them with hidden juxtapositions and internal conflicts that are never resolved quite in the way you expect. The irony in Merlin is the epitome of this, with the whole motif of Arthur needing to die for his reign to begin. It is a classic example of the simultaneous despair and hope that mocks you from the shadows.

Following this, there is another force at play that deals with half truths and seemingly imperfect contradictions, and that's prophecy. It's not really a secret that I have very strong feelings about prophecy and its effects on all the characters, Merlin in particular, and the fact that fate and destiny are such key themes in Merlin both makes perfect sense and wants me to smash my head into a brick wall. Prophecies are another common trope that often go hand in hand with irony (think Oedipus Rex, Macbeth, The Iliad, all that doomed hero shit that I inexplicably adore), the key to their influence over the plot often lying in how they usually come true in the most unexpected of ways. This links back to that initial theme of irony, but this isn't what makes me angry: what is infuriating is that prophecies tend to come true, no matter what, and most of the characters seem not only to know this, but to let it take their autonomy over their respective fates, driving them to disaster.

Let me elaborate: especially in season five (I'm assuming just for the added fall at the end), Merlin talks a lot about how "one day, things will be different". He tells sorcerers that one day they won't have to hide. That one day, they won't have to live in fear of who they are and what others think of them. And Merlin is right: while it is not explicitly stated, it's generally established that this is one of the things Merlin should actively be working towards. But here's the kick: except for a few specific circumstances, when has Merlin ever actively tried to change Arthur's mind about magic? Yes, he has taken a few opportunities, like with Dragoon saving Uther's life, or with the Dolma's final request, where he has encouraged Arthur to rethink his choices, but otherwise, his support has been lukewarm at best. Instead, his primary concern was always saving Arthur, so he can become the king the magical world hoped he'd be, but he left out a crucial part, trusting in the prophecy to fill in the gaps. He knew it would come true, but it was, almost predictably, in the one way he never dared to expect.

And in a twisted way, there's that thread of irony again: Merlin thought he was saving Arthur so he could one day become the king who would see magic as a force for good, but instead, he created someone who was merely a survivor. It was Kilgharrah who said it first, and he who would mention it last: they are two sides of the same coin. But as willing as Merlin was to give his life for Arthur, and vice versa, he was never really ready to give him his mind.

Another interesting thing to note is Merlin's fixation on the "Saving Arthur" lens of the prophecy over the "Restoring Magic" part. Now, there are a ton of ways you can look at this, depending on how far along the scale of Queer Analysis you are, so I'm going to try and address a couple. At one end of the scale, you have the fairly simple and very believable "merthur" take. This basically boils down to the fact that Merlin and Arthur may or may not be deeply in love with one another, and that drowns out any voice of reason that may unfold. This is actually fairly canon compliant, particularly looking at incidents such as the Disir, when Merlin chooses Arthur over his and his people's freedom, though that choice was clearly, in hindsight, misadvised.

At the other end of the spectrum, there is the idea that it is the work of Kilgharrah, Gaius and other responsible figures in Merlin's life when he was new to his role in destiny, who reiterated at every occasion that Arthur must be protected at all costs. This may have ingrained into Merlin's thoughts and influenced his decisions from here on out.

Between those two points, there is a grey area, and I am of the personal opinion that neither extreme entirely satisfies the situation. For me, I think the characters in question are far too complex to have such simple motivations, and that the true reason lies somewhere between the two: Merlin undoubtedly cares for Arthur, and while at the start, his actions in protacting Arthur may have been driven by other (largely superficial) motives, over time, their mutual affection blossomed to the point where certainly the more personal quests were motivated not by need, but by love. However, there is a divide here, and while the line in the sand smudges from time to time, it never really disappears: a lot of instances in which Merlin is trying to help Arthur are entirely overshadowed by destiny, and in time, Merlin comes to accept that Arthur and Destiny are, in fact, one and the same, and this is where that ever-present tragedy lies. For all he truth in here, Merlin doesn't get everything quite right: he sees Arthur as a balance that needs to be protected, without fully realising that he doesn't just have to keep the sides of his equation in equilibrium, but he actually has to start solving them if he wants them to endure.

Having just said all that, sometimes I decide to fuck over complexity for a few hours purely because I am a shameless merthur hoe.

Also, can you take a moment to please note that this last section is highly subjective and it is completely up to you as to what you decide!! This is just my opinion and you're welcome to agree or disagree at any point.

So, aside from the Angst Factor™ and twisted character development, why was the main goal never fulfilled? Unfortunately, that is a question far cleverer people than me can only speculate, as the writers alone know the answers, but I'm going to give my opinion a shot. Honestly, there is something beautifullly poetic about something that never ends, or ends when there could be something more. Humanity has struggled with endings-and beginnings- since it learned truly how to think, because that kind of finality, that inkling that there might have been nothing before and after something else is incomprehensible. In leaving Merlin in a place where the next point was uncertain, the writers left the story open for us. In depriving us of that catharsis, they effectively made sure that the story would never be over, not until we want it to be. And yes, it was painful. I can't think of an ending that was more heartbreaking than that curious mixture of closures and openings all at the same time (hell, I could write a whole essay based on this concept alone!), but it was also a gift, ironically like that of the prophecy itself in that we can choose what we want to do with it, safe in the knowledge that there will be a happy ending again, one day.

In summary, we might not be left with catharsis in the way we wanted. We might not have got the happy ending that could also have stretched on and on indefinitely. But we were left with something else, something equally beautiful as closure, but in the complete opposite way. Amongst the remains of allwe had hoped to build, Merlin left us hope.

[collecting-stories]

JJ Maybank Rec List - 6/20

I’ve seen some people do rec lists and I know I have a wealth of JJ fics that I ABSOLUTELY adore so I wanted to comply them all here!!! So, here’s my JJ Maybank Rec List as of 6/20.

~

This list is in no particular order: 

1. Happiness is a Butterfly : @johnb-routledge

  - I think I’ve read this a few dozen times at least, I really love it. And I love the way JJ is written in this one too.

2. Best Friends to Lovers : @sunflowerbecca

  - I love that this is broken up into moments in their life together. Definitely my favorite JJ piece she’s written though her whole masterlist is worth a read.

3. For Me : @obx-sos

  - Any of her JJ pieces are incredible, her characterization is spot on. This one in particular I love just because it deals with mental health in such an honest way. 

4. Untitled : @obx-writings

  - I don't actually know if this has a title but it’s one of my all time favorite JJ pieces I’ve read on here. Honestly, it’s in a league of it’s own.

5. Day One, Done : @ijustreallylovethem

  - I haven’t read a lot of in-the-future fics but this was one of them and it’s just so sweet honestly. Imagining JJ with a family😍

6. My God, You’re a Sweet Thing : @maybankiara

  - I love this! Prom night JJ? Please!! Honestly I’ve loved everything she’s written. It’s really wonderful, like it’s out of this world how good she is. 

7. Badass in Heels : @midnightmagicmusings

 - This is basically the latest thing I’ve read by her and that’s why I chose it because honestly it was a  hard fucking choice like, there isn’t a bad fic on this masterlist. And her HOH stories are really great.

8. Fools Gold : @outerbxrafe

  - I’m a sucker for a friends to lovers and this one is so good. I’ve read it quite a few times! Along with everything else on her masterlist.

9. Not Just Any Guy : @johnbstwinkie

  - There aren’t too many JJ x m!reader fics that I’ve read but this is one of my favorites! Just really well written. 

10. There for You : @johnbstwinkie

  - I didn’t wanna rec anyone twice but I have to because I love this fic too much not to include it on my list. I love JJ in this! 

11. Longing for You : @poguesrforlife

  - This 100% has to go on my list! This was the first JJ fic that I read and it’s still one of my top favorites! 

12. The Four Times He Heard You and the One Time He Didn’t : @lifesabe-ch​

  - I mean I even wrote a fic inspired by this fic, how could it not be on my list lol. It’s such a good fic, I still can’t get over it.

13. Sunburnt : @lifesabe-ch​

  - Sorry I’m breaking my rule again. I love this fic and it’s too good not to put on this list.

14. Police on my Back : @milamaybank​

  - Hands down one of my favorite obx writers on here and definitely one of my favorite JJ fics. This is truly a masterpiece. 

15. Only a Little : @uwubonebabie​ 

  - So...first JJ in that gif. And then...JJ in that fic. So good. Just serious perfection. 

16. Graveyard : @amandaisverycute​

  - Finding this fic on tumblr was honestly like a blessing. The writing is so good and JJ is spot on. I love this to pieces. 

17. Name : @woogity-boogity-pogues​

  - This is so cute! I’ve seen a lot of name speculation/name fics about what JJ stands for and this is definitely one of my favorites.

18. Consent : @obxfishon

  - It’s not letting me tag this because her blog was labeled adult but this is such a good fic and such an important topic. I really love it, I’ll tag it when I’m able.

19. I’m Right Here : @winchester-books​

  - As it turns out the anon who requested this sent the same request to me. That being said, this one is like 12952984957 times better than the version I wrote. 

20. It’s Just Polyester : @thebutterflyonhischest​

   - The angst! But also the talent! This is such a good fic and it’s got a sequel which just makes it even better!

21. September : @rudethstyles​

  - I was only going to include 20 on this list but realized I hadn’t added this and had to include it because it’s such a good fic. Like...so so good. 

22. Is There Somewhere : @pogue-writings​

  - This is so sad and so beautiful and I’ve read it so many times. Also, here’s her whole masterlist cause there is not a fic on there that isn’t this beautifully written. 

23. Midsummers : @softstarkey​

  - Again, worth reading everything she’s written because it’s all flawless. But Midsummers is up there with my like, top 5 favorite JJ fics. 

24. Sober : @poguegarbage​

  - I saved this fic and kept putting off reading it and finally read it and just thought...I could’ve been reading this all this time? This fic is so good, I love everything about it and JJ in it. 

25. Coconut Breeze : @outerbxrafe​

  - not a xreader fic but so good. I love  JJ x m!oc so much and I had to include it. Beautiful, simply. 

~

Masterlists I love:

1. @outrbanks​ masterlist : there are two JJ fics and a series all worth reading.

2. @normatural​ masterlist : literally adding new, amazing fics daily.

3. @extratragic​ masterlist : I could not possibly pick just one fic to rec. (soon to be @louisolos)

4. @obxsummer​ masterlist : all the best stuff lives here. 

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

I’d disagree with the anon that Paul was “incapable” of love, but I do agree he was very distanced, and pretty cruel (to women) when he was younger. (It was unfortunate they bought into the love at first sight myth, but he was also a charmer, and dropped affection and got colder after fucking them.)

But I just can’t see romantic interest on Paul’s end. I’m sure he loved John, but a lot of the “sexual/Romantic evidence” really can just be as construed as platonic love. I feel there may be some confirmation bias looking for “clues”. (Not an attack on anyone, but some of the analysises seem to try too hard, really).

He does make references, with the whole “calling him babe during concerts”, and “in bed” but that could just mean he’s not uncomfortable with coming off “gay”. He has a quote about it somewhere I think. He’s supportive of the community at any rate.

This is kind of my own bias, but at times I think he…plays it up a little during the present day? Again, I’m positive he did love John a lot, but with how he is, a charmer, good at manipulating his image, he knows there is a benefit to building up the “magical” Lennon McCartney dynamic. John’s dead, and the old conflicts have faded, so he has no reason not to. I don’t think he’s anti-social, or a psycho or anything, but he certainly does put a lot of thought into his image, especially now, with how he wants to leave his legacy.

I’m less knowledgeable about John, and the speculation about his mental illnesses, but on his end, I can certainly see it. Maybe he’s just blind, but the looks are very much…yeah. He does seem to rely Paul a lot, and hold him in very high regard (REGARDLESS of what those old male biographers might make of him). You just know he was suffering over Paul, poor bastard.

Not sure if anything happened. I think Paul knew though, and either ignored it, or was kind, knowing John wouldn’t act on it. OR he didn’t notice! With the whole “we shared beds A LOT. you would think he’d make a pass at me, darling~”

I guess that’s how I see it. I don’t really have strong feelings on the nature of their relationship, or want them to be “confirmed”, so I try to be as objective as possible! Not a shipper, but not a male biographer. In fact, I was very put off learning the ship was a thing at first! With every fan base “having to” ship the main male leads, that’s what I thought this was. But after three years, reading actual books, primary stuff, I’ve began to change my mind on its legitimacy, and this was my conclusion. But new information can always change!

(Sorry for the long long analysis, god! I just took my adderall and I should go eat! Feel free to block me for spam/harassment.)

Yeah, this is basically my big mclennon dilemma: did Paul love John?

Of course he loved him, but I mean did he harbour any homosexual feelings towards John - and I just go back and fourth on that a lot.

In my last response to an anon I wasn’t necessarily trying to argue that Paul was romantically/sexually attached to John, because all in all, I don’t believe he did - but it probably came off that way because I didn’t particularly like the way the anon had phrased some stuff (like calling him “a master manipulator” and “incapable of love”) and so I just sort of wanted to show that the relationship was more nuanced then just “john was simping for paul”. My overall point with that response was more so that whilst I think Paul struggles in showing real affection and emotions, I don’t think he was incapable of love prior to Linda. I think he did really love John (in whichever form of love you want to take it: romantically, platonically etc.)

And so my point I guess wasnt so much that Paul was always capable of love (because I think he did at least love his family, his close-friends, probably Jane etc.), but maybe more so that he was always capable of intimacy with another person, though he struggled with it.

But yeah, he was quite cruel to a lot of the girls he slept with in the 60s, but I wouldn’t say that suggests he was incapable of love (i know thats not what you’re saying but other people might interpret it through that lens) I would just say he was young, dumb, ridiculously rich and famous and not emotionally mature enough yet to really empathise with most of those girls. Not trying to completely excuse him, but like, i dunno, i always just try to view people from the most human perspective. Everyones an twat sometimes yknow

I also really struggle to see romance on Pauls behalf towards John - the only times I think “wait but maybe he did fancy john back” is when I read some of his lyrics (like in ‘Coming Up’, ‘Yvonne’s The One’, and to some extent ‘Here Today’ - though I think interpreting Here Today as strictly platonic love is still a valid interpretation). I mentioned this in a different post though, that analysing his lyrics just isnt particularly convincing for me, because it feels more like speculation - and also as someone who does write songs, I know that a lot of lyrics just arent as deep as we wish they were. It is really difficult to be truly introspective and honest in a song, without exaggerating or hyperbolising or fictionalising any autobiographical aspects.

I do see your point with Paul possibly playing up the “Lennon/McCartney m a g i c” - im not entirely sure how much I agree, but I do agree to some extent. I think he’s always been very image conscious, and being in what is probably the all-time most famous pop band definitely wouldve heightened that. Even as a teenager I think he’s always just had this natural charm about him, and that tends to stem I guess from a need to be liked; I think you can see it in every interview he’s ever done to be honest. Its not necessarily a bad thing, (because id take a charmer over a rude knobhead any day) but I guess it sort of just shows that Paul is flawed like everybody else. Also, just read @mothernatures-sons tags and I agree with her - Paul just knows when to be a nice person! Nothing wrong with that! It isnt manipulative like the last anon suggested, its just how most people are: polite :) Ive heard a lot of anecdotes from people who have worked with or met Paul and the majority of them say he was a just a nice guy. Not saying he was never an arsehole (cause yeah he was pretty cruel to those girls in the 60s) but I think overall, hes a pretty good guy 👍

On the other hand though, you could also say that superficial journalists are looking for superficial answers - and Paul knows what the people want to hear. But occasionally ill hear an interview that does seem more intimate then most - I havent listened to it in awhile, but the interview he did with Sean I remember felt more honest to me then most. And when he said he’d like to spend the day “in bed” with John, to me that felt like a genuine and fitting response. Because, whilst it has sexual connotations, it also just feels like he’s saying he’d just like to sit around, chat, dont chat, just whatever with John for a day. Like he would just like another moment of intimacy with him.

I think we are pretty much in agreement on most of this though! At first I was also like “nah, mclennon isnt real, teenage girls just love shipping guys!” (I am a teenaged girl and I can confirm this lol) but then it just sort of became apparent to me through reading more and more about their relationship that there probably was something more on Johns behalf. If John wasnt in love with Paul, then it feels as though a lot of things he said and did just dont add up (the big one for me is him marrying Yoko so soon after Paul married Linda - like I really cannot come up with a heterosexual explanation for that!)

But when it comes to Paul, though ill have moments of doubt, I dont think he was in love with John (homosexually) and I do think a lot of the evidence on Pauls behalf seems like a stretch (but like you, im not having a go at anyone, because I understand that it is easy to carried away, plus its fun - but realistically, most of Pauls evidence just is not convincing to me). He’s comfortable with his sexuality, and I really do try to respect that and not force a gay interpretation of quotes or songs from him, unless it is genuinely making me question his sexuality and mclennon.

PS dont worry, I didn’t take this is spam at all!! And also, I would never block someone just for disagreeing with me! I enjoy discussion and I think its good to engage with people who disagree with you! To be honest, id only block someone if they were purposely being a real arsehole <3

[prinxlyart]

No prob! Even if its just moral I love to support the artists I follow! And I will👍! Now I only have one(two maybe) question left for your Willumity AU: Who would propose first and who would they do it? (And if you allow Boscha to redeem herself in this, what relationship would she have with them?) Take care!

Oof this is a toughie. Hmmmmmmmmm........ I mean, lots of shenanigans would ensue, for sure for sure for sure, but what kind of shenanigans.....

[warning: this is like. Hella long y’all. I’m talking like, super deep dive into Boscha redemption territory. I’m not even kidding, it’s taken me all weekend to write this because there’s so much. I don’t even get into proposals...You’ve been warned]

Okay so!

Boscha sees all the girls have gotten together into one big relationship and is sort of knocked back on her ass. Amity? In a romantic relationship with Half-A-Witch and the Human????? What the fuck happened to that girl?! She’s been at a loss for how to even interact with them ever since a rumor had spread that Luz had gone toe-to-toe with the Emperor. Boscha wasn’t sure she believed that before, but watching her supposed friend of more than half a decade just drop her like she was nothing to go all soft over this human? Maybe Luz did do something impressive enough to garner Amity’s attention.

She would rather die than admit out loud (or even to herself) that she had a crush on Amity. It hurt her so much more than she realized when Amity stopped hanging out with her and it was just driving a stake through her heart when Amity defended them and joined their Grudgby team for that stupid challenge. It took her weeks following that whole fiasco to even look at Amity, let alone talk about her with the rest of her friend group, that by the time she thought she was over it, she looked up and saw her blushing and linking arms with both girls she’d played against Boscha with. Boscha may have broken her locker than day. She refused to say why.

If I’m following all of my narrative speculation threads, I think Skara pulls her aside one day and tells her she needs to calm tf down. Luz and Willow are chill as hell and they don’t deserve the vicious death glares Boscha’s been sending them. I think that’s the final nail in the coffin for Boscha. Her other supposed best friend is turning on her too?? But she isn’t??? Boscha’s head and heart are so confused by all this that she just skips the next day of school. I think she spends the day in the (newly-rebuilt) Treasure Shack just staring at the ceiling and tossing a hackey sack into the air while she blasts music that she doesn’t hear because she’s so deep in her own thoughts. Skara would find her immediately after school let’s out. There’s only one place Boscha would be if she skipped class for a day. Before any of the other teens make their way to the Treasure Shack, they leave so they can talk somewhere more private.

I think they spend a really long time hashing out Boscha’s thoughts and feelings. Skara even feels brave enough to bring up why they’re always so mean to others. There are other ways to prove how awesome you are without actively putting others down. In fact, putting others down to be on top is almost like cheating; you’re not actually proving you’re the best if you’re hindering your competition. Skara knows how awesome and amazing Boscha is and can be, but they spend their time just being mean to everyone else rather than actually showing off their talents. She also mentions how scary powerful Willow actually is and confirms the rumors about Luz taking on the Emperor and living to tell the tale so it’s not like they have no magical ability. Amity might just be rolling with the new most powerful witches at Hexside. Dating them even. And have you seen that illusion track kid in action?? He created some complex illusions during their Grudgby match and that was for funsies. They’re a severely powerful group. And they’re liked by everyone because they’re so kind. They’re revered by their classmates for being so powerful and so nice at the same time, meanwhile they just fear Boscha. They don’t think she’s all that great, but she is powerful enough to kill them if need be, so they just stay out of her way. Boscha hates everything Skara points out but doesn’t deny any of it.

Skara admits she’s been talking with Willow a lot about all of this; she’s definitely apologized for the bullying she’s done in the past and Willow actually accepted it which surprises Boscha. A lot of her insight is a mix of hashing shit out with Willow in the Greenhouse after school and some self reflection at home, but that’s why they all hang out together now. Oh, and she and Amity had a sleepover relatively recently where they decided to start their friendship over. Now they’re actually friends and can say so with a smile because it’s true and it’s not just to appease their parents.

Boscha never thought she’d do this in her life but she just bites the inside of her cheek and does it anyway: she asks Skara for advice. All Skara knows to suggest confidently is to think about how she treats everyone and how that can be changed. She also tells her to think about what she actually wants. Does she want to be the school bully? Or does she actually want to be friends with Amity again? Does she maybe want to find out how cool Luz and Willow are? They’re definitely all a package deal by now and it might be hard to be friends with Amity again after how horribly they’d treated Willow over the years. Boscha spends the entire weekend thinking over everything she talked about with Skara.

The following school week, Boscha is having a hard time getting Willow alone. At least one of her girlfriends is always by her side by the time she can find her between classes. It’s not until after school that Boscha manages to beat both Luz and Amity to the Greenhouse to ask Willow if they can talk. Willow is wary at first, but sees that Boscha has a weird look to her that sets aside and fears of Boscha attempting to pick on her. She noticed that Boscha has barely even looked at her in weeks. So she agrees and they find an empty classroom to talk in privately (Willow lets Amity and Luz know that she’s busy and will meet them later). Willow waits expectantly for Boscha to threaten her or yell at her or whatever else and is shocked (and maybe even scared?) when Boscha finally blurts out her apology. She lets Boscha just ramble her apologies for a while and watches her fumble over her words and her face turn a little red and genuinely doesn’t know how to react. Has the world turned upside down? Is it Opposite Day? Is this some kind of elaborate prank? The tears in Boscha’s eyes suggest that it’s not. Eventually Willow stops her and they just sit in silence for a minute while Willow kind of turns it all over in her head. Boscha’s freaking out because Willow is just standing there watching her and she feels like she’s a bug under a magnifying glass. I think Willow truly doesn’t know what to say and just kinda sighs and picks up her bag to get ready to leave and tells Boscha she just needs to think about everything she said. Because she can’t forgive her, not for the years of ceaseless bullying, but she needs to think about whether or not she’ll even accept her apology. Boscha just kinda nods numbly and Willow leaves and Boscha just sorta melts into the floor from exhaustion and frayed nerves.

I think Willow would ask Skara first about what she thinks of Boscha’s apology; they’re still friends after all, even though Skara’s been hanging out with them more often. Skara’s blown away because she didn’t think the talk they had just the previous Friday afternoon would lead to all that. So now Willow knows the apology is real. She’ll tell her girlfriends next because they’re also directly affected by this and they are also both shell-shocked. Amity is unsure of everything simply because she’s witnessed Boscha’s behavior first-hand for years and this just doesn’t sound like her (Luz agrees, oddly quietly), but Willow confirmed with Skara that it was a real apology. That that was why Boscha wasn’t at school on Friday. I think they’re all at the Owl House while they have this conversation so Eda and Lilith both overhear and throw their two snails in; Eda knows from experience that sometimes bullies are only bullies because they’ve been raised that way. She had some school friends that were pretty nasty before realizing just how nasty they were after the kids they were bullying got into some serious trouble. Lilith confirms the stories and also throws in that, based on her own experience, she may be doing all the wrong things with what she thinks are the right intentions. This gives all three of them something to think about for the rest of the night.

I’d say it takes them roughly the rest of the week to really come to a conclusion. The entire time, Boscha is begging Skara for any updates but Skara isn’t in on that loop. So in the meantime, she asks Skara for help in fixing her behavior during their free time. Boscha came to the conclusion on her own that she doesn’t actually want to be a bully, she just wants to feel acknowledged for her efforts. Skara reprimands her for falling back on bullying tactics when things don’t go the way Boscha wants them to. Their other friends in their friend group pick up on this and are 100% on board with helping Boscha be a better person. They were all too scared to disrupt the flow that they had to call her out before, but now that Boscha’s actually trying to be better?? They’re all in to help her. I don’t think Boscha’s ever felt this kind of support before. Her whole life she’s had friends to back her up when she tooted her own horn, her pack to intimidate by numbers. But now they’re actually wanting to help her? They’re not just sticking around so they themselves don’t become ostracized? Boscha’s never really experienced that before and it makes her feel warm inside. At first she thinks she’s sick but Bo (I think her name is Bo; the light-skinned healing track girl with the freckles that taught Skara that fire-to-ice spell) runs a quick diagnosing spell over her and let’s her know that no, she’s not sick, she’s just experiencing happiness for once. Everyone else laughs, even Boscha after a moment because holy shit, she’s actually happy.

Over the course of that week, our main trio is quietly watching Boscha’s metamorphosis from the sidelines. They’re all confused at first; she really is trying to change? Luz is the first one to get excited though. It’s just like one of her favorite character tropes: bully learns to be nice and is better for it (and maybe falls in love with the person they’ve been bullying). Willow scoffs at that, but she does admit that it’s reassuring to see Boscha actually making the effort. In public too, she’s not trying to hide the fact that she wants to change. Luz, being in all the tracks at Hexside, gets the chance to actually talk to each of the girls in Boscha’s friend group about the whole situation and gets some pretty solid evidence that yes, Boscha’s really making that effort. She reports as much back to her girlfriends and by the time the week ends, Willow’s the one tracking down Boscha by the Potions Hall to take her aside for a chat.

Boscha is scared shitless when Willow asks to talk to her for the first time since Monday but obliges and they find a private place to talk. Willow lets her know that she’s ready to accept her apology and Boscha nearly bursts into tears in relief. She knows that it isn’t forgiveness, but Willow is accepting the fact that she’s trying to change and she is sorry for her past actions. Willow fills her in on all the various (drama? Lack of drama?) chatter about her trying so hard to be nicer from Boscha’s friend group that Boscha actually does start crying at that. She’s so relieved that her friends aren’t doing this as some kind of payback; that they’re actually supporting her with no ulterior motives. They’d have every reason and right to, but they aren’t and Boscha is so relieved to hear as much. Willow doesn’t know if she should try to comfort her or what so they both kind of stand there awkwardly for a minute while Boscha wipes the tears from her face. She thanks Willow for accepting her apology and vows to her (maybe a little too dramatically; it actually makes Willow want to laugh because it reminds her so much of Luz) that she will be a better witch. Not just a better witch to her and her friends, but to everyone. When they part ways for the weekend, they’re both buzzing with giddiness. Boscha, because Willow finally accepted her apology and knew that this was a huge first step in her road to being a better witch. Willow because she knows for certain that Boscha’s giving this her all; and maybe they could even become friends. Skara and Amity did a do-over on their friendship, maybe Boscha’s hoping to do the same.

Shockingly, Boscha actually goes to Luz next by sitting next to her during their shared potions class the following week. She slides her a note asking to speak with her outside of class to which Luz agrees (with a silly doodle of a winky face and a thumbs up that makes Boscha nearly giggle). Boscha apologizes to Luz next for her behavior towards her and much to Boscha’s surprise, Luz not only accepts her apology, but forgives her too. Boscha didn’t even expect that. Luz explains that she hasn’t been on the Boiling Isles long enough to be really affected by Boscha’s past bullying, not like her girlfriends. And she’s super grateful and proud of Boscha for reaching out to Willow first and actually going to the lengths she’s been going to to be a better person. Boscha, not used to praise that she wasn’t fishing for, just blushes and nods. Luz sort of coos at her and comments on how cute she looks when she blushes which only makes her blush harder and start threatening Luz with empty promises of violence if she doesn’t shut up. Luz starts running away, cackling, and calls out to her as she’s leaving that she hopes they can be friends some day soon. Boscha silently agrees and goes home with a goofy smile that won’t leave her face no matter how hard she tries because Luz called her cute. She shoves that thought aside for the time being, just grateful that Luz was so quick to forgive her.

Finally, she approaches Amity. Or rather, she leaves a note in her locker because the Abomination Hall and the Potions Hall are nowhere near each other. At this point, Amity is on the fence about what she wants to do because on the one hand, she was never truly friends with Boscha and she’s not sure if she wants to be. On the other hand, she’s been watching Boscha change over the last week and a half and is actually surprised at how hard she’s working at it. She isn’t surprised by how hard she’s working; Boscha always gives 110% into anything she does, she’s just surprised that she’s working at being nice at all. But between Willow telling them how their chat went on Friday and Luz telling them about their talk on Monday (and Luz mentioning how cute Boscha was when she was red and sputtering her empty threats), she’s at least willing to hear her out. So she stands there and waits for Boscha to start and is actually kind of surprised to see Boscha’s already so pink she’s almost the same shade as her own hair. I think she’s silently patient out of shock more so than any amount of politeness. She’s never seen Boscha....flustered????? Luz was right, it is kind of cute, but now isn’t the time for that.

Boscha kept her conversation with Amity for last because she knew it was the hardest one to have. She had been pushing it aside for the last few weeks now; although she’s finally admitted to herself that she (has/had?) a crush on her. By the time they make it somewhere private, Boscha’s so nervous that she’s almost shaking. And Amity is just standing there, watching her, and saying nothing. That is until Boscha nearly starts crying and Amity finally breaks, if only due to concern. They may not have ever been real friends, but neither of them were heartless either. Amity manages to coax some words out of Boscha through her thick tears and once the words start, they don’t stop. Boscha didn’t mean to admit her crush on Amity to her face, but that sort of slipped out with all her other apologies and explanations. Amity desperately wishes Luz or Willow were there with her because they are so much better at emotional shit than Amity is. Amity does flush when she hears Boscha confess her crush on her and doesn’t really know what to say to that. Boscha had a crush on her? This whole time? She had a crush on the Amity from before she met Luz???? Amity considered herself an entirely different person from who she was before she met Luz. To think that Boscha’s quietly been harboring feelings for her all that time? Even before that time?? It’s flattering to say the least, but she definitely has mixed feelings about it. She didn’t like who she was before she met Luz. It’s hard to imagine someone else liking her.

Their conversation takes a long time to really hash out. They have a long history to sort out; sorting out Boscha’s feelings and identifying instances where they were horrible to other witches and how it wasn’t okay. There’s so many things that need to be figured out between the two of them. I think Boscha remembers what Skara had done and offers they have a sleepover to really try to start their friendship over. But I don’t think Amity is actually comfortable with that yet. Not due to Boscha’s crush on her or anything, just because it’s a different situation than it was with Skara. There would be a lot more to cover than just learning about what sort of music the other likes. And Boscha is definitely crushed on the inside, but just accepts it because she knows it’s a lot. I think after a while they both leave with the promise that they’ll continue this conversation later; Amity just needs to consult her girls first. She really doesn’t know how to handle all this and needs to just kinda decompress with her girlfriends and sort out all of her thoughts. Boscha agrees; they both have each other’s scroll contacts still, so they can reach out to each other whenever they’re ready to continue that conversation.

I think Willow and Luz would find it adorable that Boscha has/had a crush on Amity (which only makes Amity blush and chide them for not focusing on the subject at hand). Luz is super excited about Boscha trying to make amends all over the place. She’s even watched her between classes go out of her way to apologize to others too, so it’s not just them she’s trying to make amends with. Boscha always has one of her friends with her when she does this, but mostly as support or to remind her to not use bullying tactics or words when she’s trying to apologize. There’s been a low buzz of rumors going on about it too, Boscha’s strange change of heart has captured the attention of most students. Amity still isn’t sure how to feel about the whole situation though. There’s less to apologize for between them and more just explaining themselves. Why they never held each other accountable for their shitty behavior, why Amity seemed to just tolerate Boscha’s existence while Boscha silently harbored a crush on her; there was less in terms of wrong doings between the two of them and more just laying their cards on the table. I think Luz would be the one to suggest she go through with the slumber party, but maybe also have Skara join them as a sort of mediator. Willow is also hesitant; she doesn’t want to encourage her girlfriend to venture into something that makes her so uncomfortable, but she agrees with Luz that they need to clear the air between them. She admits that having Skara there would actually help a lot with that; Skara seeking Willow out on her own terms to apologize to Willow and talking with her so openly gave Willow more than enough reason to trust her with Amity’s feelings, especially after they reconciled their own friendship.

I actually don’t know what sort of history those girls have, but I’ve actually been in Amity’s place before. I’ve tolerated the existence of a person who developed a crush on me and it was....awkward at best. This person didn’t try to be a better person in the time that I knew them though. They just kept making excuses for their shitty behavior, so I’m genuinely not sure how this would all play out. I think having Skara join them for this weekend-long feelings jam certainly helps things along; she knows when to push them to tell the truth and when to sit back and let them take their time. I think by the coming school week (we’re what, in week 3 of Boscha’s redemption arc by now??? Almost a whole month of this emotional vulnerability??? How exhausting), they do manage to find a stable ground to start rebuilding their friendship. It takes a while, and I think Boscha’s nervous about it at first, mostly due to Willow’s near-constant presence around Amity, but Luz’s just. Sheer determination to befriend Boscha and integrate her into their ever-growing friend group both encourages Boscha and softens Willow’s stiffness in her presence.

Oofa doofa, I don’t even know how long it would take before any of them truly catch feelings RE: Boscha. I think Luz picks up on Boscha’s nervousness around Willow first and teases Boscha about it when they’re alone. And Willow and Amity do agree, Boscha is very cute when she blushes hard enough to match the color of her hair. It’s also fun to watch her freak out and turn into just one big pink blob hissing obscenities at a cackling Luz. I think Luz might get caught up in her fiction character tropes a little too much before she realizes she’s not taking Willow’s feelings into account (not so much that it causes damage; they’ve probably been dating for months now by this time). Luz would have to ask Willow how she felt about Boscha overall and Willow I think....would be unsure for a very long time. I think eventually, long after Boscha’s been fully integrated into their friend group and she’s actually seen who Boscha is when she’s a good friend and not a bully, does Willow begin to feel the inklings of feelings sneaking into her heart. Amity is in a similar boat as Willow, but neither make their feelings known for quite some time. They’re happy with their little triad relationship; they’re not sure what it would mean to include Boscha when they were still so unsure of their feelings.

Luz is so full of love she literally radiates it and it’s contagious. I don’t even thunk she realizes she’s developed a fondness for Boscha until several months after they’ve become friends. Besides, she’s far too busy teasing Boscha about her crush on Willow and Amity to realize how much Boscha also seems to blush around her. I don’t think she gets it until one day Boscha just shoves something in her hands and stalks off to class and when Luz looks at what she gave her, she just kinda gasps. Because Boscha definitely gave her a note that just reads “I like you too, you idiot”. Luz just runs to Willow and Amity and shows them the note and they all three call an emergency girlfriend meeting to sort out what exactly they want to do about this whole situation. Polyamory is hard because it requires so much mindfulness of everyone involved. But they all manage to admit that they’ve been harboring some softer feelings for Boscha and decide to test those waters. And maybe have a little fun with those tests as they do so. They maaaaayybbeee make it a competition to see who can make Boscha blush the hardest. They can all be quite competitive.

Boscha suddenly finds herself at the center of a Willumity Flirt-Off that she was NOT prepared for and doesn’t know how to handle it. All three of them are suddenly winking at her when she catches them looking at her, or maybe sitting way too close at lunch, or even just complimenting her when she doesn’t expect it and she nearly passes out from the attention. I think there’s a moment when she actually walks into a door when the girls realize they’re maybe taking this too far and apologize to Boscha before asking her if she wants to try being in their relationship with them. And I think Boscha does pass out at that.

I think it’s a tough adjustment period for them all. Balancing the four of them takes a lot time and fine-tuning to get it right. Boscha’s still just bewildered that she’s come so far with each of them enough to actually be in a relationship with each of them equally. There’s definitely some jealousy here and there, some old fears of being left behind cropping up, but all of those worries are thoroughly stamped out once they’re addressed. I think they all try very hard to get this to work and they do make it work. Boscha forever considers it the most dramatic year of her life.

I literally cannot even begin to get into proposals this is far too long already but thank you so much for sticking around if you’ve made it this far!!!!! This one in particular got hella long because there were so many moving parts @-@

I’ll be the first to admit: I’ve never been in a polyamorous relationship myself (I’ve never had any polyamorous partners before ;v;). I do know how important communication and establishing individual relationships can be though. It’s always so important to make sure that you and your partners are on the same page before doing anything that can dramatically affect your relationship. Consulting individuals within the relationship is also important. Just because you’re in a group doesn’t mean your relationship with each individual is any less important.

Ngl, this was also kind of hard for me to write because I truly don’t know what Boscha’s like when she’s not a bully. We haven’t seen that much of her character outside of her being a bully that thrives on fear and praise. She could very well be just as much an over dramatic dork as Luz. I don’t even think she knows; she’s been a bully her whole life. What is your personality like when you realize you don’t have to be a bully??? Idk, but that’s why this took me all weekend to write; I really don’t know how Boscha is outside of being a bully. Hopefully we get to see who she is in season 2!!!!!

[currywaifu]

𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: save file 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩: chigasaki itaru/reader 𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: sfw 𝐰𝐜: 3.0k words

𝐚𝐧: itaru event? itaru fic! me loving fake dating + direct af titles? nothing changed~ sequencing of events might be weird, oops~

■■■■■■■■■■■□□□  NOW LOADING SAVE FILE 2 LOADED

Itaru’s not the least bit surprised at the sight of your wrinkled nose; neither is he shocked at the crease that formed between your brows nor the narrowing of your eyes. It must be a lot to take in, truly, but it had to be done.

“Chigasaki-kun,” you said, immediately trailing off as though you couldn’t convey the rest of your thoughts. That was fine, he thought, he can wait for his SP to fill up for 100 minutes so surely he can wait a couple more minutes for your response.

It’s a bit embarrassing, but maybe he needs to explain a bit more? He doesn’t mind too much, he was putting you on the spot, after all.

“I know it’s sudden,” Itaru said apologetically, “but I need you. You’re the only one who can—“

“Chigasaki-kun,” you repeated, sounding firmer this time around. At this point, Itaru noticed that your eyes never left the cafe table that separated the two of you, or rather what laid right smack in the centre of it. As soon as he slid it towards you, your eyes had gone from wide and surprised to squinting, almost as though it had offended you.

He was so focused on your line of sight that he failed to notice the sudden rush of red that raced across your cheeks. After a moment of silence, you let out a deep breath.

“Why the fuck did you just give me a replica of Byleth’s ring from Fire Emblem?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” he dug through his pocket to bring out another ring, the exact same design, “I have another one.”

■■■■■■■■□□□□□□  NOW LOADING SAVE FILE 4 LOADED

“Hey, you made it! Thanks for coming, Chigasaki-sa—“ as he took in the sight of your locked hands, his co-worker let out a comically loud gasp, before trying and failing to cover it up with an awkward cough.

Itaru’s not stupid, at the very least he’s definitely not blind or deaf. Besides the gracious host, he can tell everyone is shocked and staring. They’re not even trying to be discrete about it anymore.

The people from his department had been gossiping for all of last week, creating speculations on his love life. The theories had a lot of exaggeration, a lot of denial.

You squeezed his hand a little tighter, him reciprocating to reassure you.

Envy. Judgement.

Still, as he glanced at your face to check for any sign of discomfort only to find a poised smile, he was once again reminded by your strength and fortitude. He always admired that from you, and it was always so enthralling to see that side of you in action.

■■■■■■■■■■■■□□  NOW LOADING SAVE FILE 1 LOADED

“You’ll come, won’t you?” Itaru let out a quiet hum, yet refusing to answer immediately. Though he’d prefer to sit out of most gatherings, he particularly disliked going to non-essential get-togethers where the only real purpose was for his co-workers to eat and drink less restrained as they would with the higher-ups around.

Normally he would have some excuse conjured up, maybe even pretend to check his phone calendar and reject the invite apologetically. However, he had already skipped out three times, consecutively.

He already breached the three strikes and you’re out rule, and he’s not so sure risking going for four would be the smartest play for his reputation… but it probably wouldn’t hurt to save game and set aside his decision making for later.

“I’ll have to check my schedule. I just need to check with someone first,” he said, thinking back to the director and the rest of spring troupe. Would any of them give him an excuse he has yet to use?

“Ahh, feel free to bring your sister then!” the man paused, a small smirk appearing as his eyebrows waggled. “Unless you wanna bring, you know, a friend.”

■■■■■■■■■■■■■□  NOW LOADING SAVE FILE 2 LOADED

“You just don’t want to suffer alone,” you said, using your fork to prod at the meal he treated you to. Surely a one time gathering wasn’t all there is to it? Chigasaki Itaru, who always kept his life outside work private, suddenly wanting people to know he had a significant other?

Even though he didn’t?

“I’ve been to those— I know they suck,” you continued, your eyes darting away from the silver band to look at him properly, “will this even benefit you?”

“It’ll probably be annoying at first,” he replied, keeping eye contact to let you know how serious he was, “dealing with everyone’s questions, but they’ll eventually just accept it and stop bothering me.”

“What about me?”

“You work somewhere else— they won’t get the chance to bother you,” he pointed out, propping his elbow on the table as he rest his cheek on his knuckles. He continued seeing as you stayed silent, “plus, don’t you have anyone bothering you about your lack of a love life?”

In any other instance, you probably would have made a remark about him being too dedicated to his waifus to date as well, but you could only grimace as you recalled the upcoming family reunion. If your aunts teased you again for not being in a relationship… if your mom kept insisting that you were just hiding a secret boyfriend to delude herself…

“Fine, but in exchange—“

Itaru let out a chuckle, “so the matching rings aren’t enough? I’ll have you know, they’re Class A replicas.”

You snorted, “stop, stop! I’m being serious here!” you said, lightly kicking his feet from beneath the table. When he moved to retaliate, you hastily pushed your feet beneath your chair.

“Oi—“

“Just kidding, just kidding!“ he said, raising his hands up in surrender, “so, how can I help you?”

“… you up for a family reunion lunch on Sunday?”

■■■■□□□□□□□□□□  NOW LOADING SAVE FILE 3 LOADED

“So, like, do we need to prepare any— dude, dude, dude what the…? This part of your island is—” Even without heading over to where you were, he immediately knew which area you were cackling about.

“That’s the nature dump! Obviously not gonna terraform it yet?” Itaru replied, “I need a place to place all the normie flowers?”

He heard you scoff, your animal crossing character running up to his and hitting him with a net.

“Not that dump, dummy! Why are there toilets? The fences— toilets—“ you trailed off, unable to help yourself from bursting back into laughter. He instinctively laughed alongside you, knowing the monstrosity you were talking about.

“What kind of idiot makes a pathway out of toilets?”

“Hey! They create a cool effect when you walk past it!” he said, defending himself as your character hit his on the head again, “kind of like a clam opening up—“

“It’s a toilet! Not a clam!”

“Ya? Well I, Taruchi, am a resident of Urinetown, subtitle: actually an island and not a town,” Itaru said, almost as if he was proud of himself. “Before you come from me, Urinetown is a musical about capitalism. What’s your excuse, Pen Island?”

You gasped, obviously fake but dramatic enough to continue your banter “I’ll have you know, the actual name is Pen Isles? Also, you named our Stardew Valley farm—“ you paused, as though realising something, “wait, wasn’t I going to ask you something?”

“… pfft, GJ.”

■■■■■■■■■□□□□□  NOW LOADING SAVE FILE 4 LOADED

Itaru watched you introduce yourself to the rest of the room, your words polite but brimming with a confidence that was rare to see from his friend turned pretend s/o… or at least, that was what he initially thought.

Maybe this side of you just so happened to be particularly evident tonight, ringing throughout your voice and exhibited by your body language; that didn’t mean it was hidden before this instance.

There was a certain charm to you. Always been, but he never really acknowledged it. It was the little things, like how you were never hesitant about adding to his commentary when you two played Co-Op, or the playfulness you showed from time to time, or your genuineness around him— kind, but not taking bullshit from him or anyone.

If he was reading the room right, he can’t blame them for being even a little bit enthralled with you.

Even if it didn’t exactly sit right with him.

“I didn’t know Chigasaki-kun was dating someone!” a brave soul piped up from the sidelines, probably vocalising what everyone else was holding back from saying. Huh, wasn’t she one of the people who fiercely denied the rumour that he was in a relationship?

He doesn’t miss the way the corners of your lips quirked downwards for a split second, before lifting back upwards as though it never happened.

“Well, Itaru can be a bit private,” you replied, a muffled but silvery giggle escaping escaping your lips, “though I suppose I’m a bit of the same? Might be why we’re compatible.”

The woman who asked flushed slightly, and he was sure it wasn’t from any alcohol consumed. Even still, he found himself mirroring the pink hue.

Itaru?

■■■■■■■■■■■□□□  NOW LOADING SAVE FILE 3 LOADED

“Itaru,” he repeated to you for the third time tonight.

“Shoot, sorry,” you apologised, making your animal crossing character portray your shock at your slip-up again. Lmao, that was cute. “Damn… it’s weird going from Chigasaki-kun to just Itaru.”

It was his turn to hit your character with a net.

“Taruchi isn’t that far from Itaru, and you call me that all the time,” he stated, snorting at the little huff that was somehow still audible on call.

“Calling you your IGN is way different though?” you protested, “I can’t just call you that in public?”

“Shame it might expose me irl,” he sighed in disappointment, “it would have been cute to have my gamer s/o go ‘uwu Taruchi, fighto!’”

“Hahhh? Was it ever cute any time I called you Taruchi?” you asked, incredulousness present in your tone as you proceeded to mock him, “uwu, Taruchi, fighto!… there, was that cute at all?”

Itaru’s hand slid up to cover his face, his growing smile lifting his cheeks upward. You were clearly just joking around, but, well, “who knows? Maybe if you said ‘Taruchi-sama, ganbatte! I’d be able to—“

“Itaru!” you interrupted, immediately making the human equivalent noise of a keyboard smash, your little avatar running around in circles as he imagined what expression your face had right now.

Amidst his unrestrained laughter, he managed to squeeze in his next sentence in parts. “You— you finally said it! Otsu~”

■■■■■■■□□□□□□□  NOW LOADING SAVE FILE 4 LOADED

You had only called him ‘Itaru’ that one time, every other time being ‘Taruchi’ in private or ‘Itaru-kun’ in public. Still, hearing you say his name in person instead of on the phone made it feel like the first time again.

Luckily for him, he didn’t get that much time to dwell on it. Someone had lead you two to sit somewhere, surrounded by more of his polite and friendlier coworkers. Exchanging pleasantries with them was easy enough, as was answering questions about your relationship.

They’ve had multiple test runs after all. There was no way they were messing up any details, there was no room or possibility of either of them even fumbling.

“How long have you two known each other?”

“We’ve been friends since university,” you replied, something that was actually true, “it took years for me to even confess! I’m just glad Itaru accepted,” you gave him a purposeful glance, your bashful expression nearly enough to lead him to believe that you really did have a crush on him all this time.

“So you two have been together since—?”

“After my graduation,” Itaru supplied helpfully, “so it’s been a few years.”

“That’s so sweet! You know,” the woman in front of you lowered her voice, and you leaned in a little closer to listen in, “a lot of us were wondering if Chigasaki was dating anyone after we saw his ring. I thought it was just a fashion statement, but now I know it’s the real deal!”

She eyed the silver band on your ring finger, one that completely matched his.

“The rings are beautiful! The design is completely unique,” another person commented. Itaru felt your ring finger loop around his own, and the two of you turned to look at each other, sharing an amused grin.

If only they knew it was actually really well-done game merch.

■■■■■■■■■□□□□□  NOW LOADING SAVE FILE 2 LOADED

“What’s the point of the rings, though?” you asked, curious of just how far Itaru was taking this plan anyway.

“Do you not like it?” Itaru asked. Undeniably, he would be a bit upset if you ended up not liking the ring. After all, he bought it because—

“It’s lovely,” you said sincerely, carefully picking up the ring, “just surprised you already had rings on hand?”

He chuckled apprehensively, “I was going to save it as a friendship anniversary gift,” he explained, “I still feel a little guilty I didn’t get you anything last year.”

“You don’t have to get me anything anyway,” you said reassuringly, “but I appreciate it.”

He watched you slip the ring on your left ring finger, mouth opening up to apologise as he saw how loose the ring was on you, about to offer to have it resized immediately before you interrupted with quiet laughter.

“It’s a bit awkward right now, but I love it.”

■■■■■■■■■■■□□□  NOW LOADING SAVE FILE 4 LOADED

The get-together was going really well, surprisingly. He still would have preferred to be in the comfort of his room, but your presence just made everything so much easier. Even the questions people threw at the two of you weren’t so bothersome, dodging the more nosy people and sticking with anything general.

It had somehow become a game between the two of you. It was like an act off, almost, of who could give the more impressive or heart fluttering statement. Whether it was for the sake of your audience or to just affect each other remains unsaid.

“What do you like about Itaru?”

You looked away from him, closing your eyes as though you were thinking. To be fair, anything real personality or gaming related was out of bounds. Would you cater your response to his work persona, or—

“Everything!”

He nearly choked on air, trying to ignore the urge to clutch at his heart.

“That’s no fair, give something more specific!”

“I do like everything about Itaru, though?” you said with a cute pout, “but I guess I like his kindness the most. He’s always so thoughtful and considerate. He’s a busy man, but he always finds the time to help me out when I need it.”

Everyone cooed at the two of them, but he found it difficult to concentrate on that when he could only cling onto the words that started to sound more and more real as the night went by.

Out of context, everything you said could be interpreted as you just being friendly, but there was something in the way you pronounced his name and the expression on your face as you talked about him that was… different.

“What about you, Chigasaki?”

Escaping from his thoughts, his mind was filled to the brim with thoughts, but the words refused to spill from his lips.

Was there a way to describe how captivated he was at your little quirks, from the random filler noises you’d make on call or text when words failed you, to the literal quirk of the corner of your lips as you shifted expressions.

Was there a way express his appreciation for sticking by him for years, regardless of his hidden side? Was there a way to express his gratefulness for the laughter rendered and the tears wiped off by you; the smile blooming on his face as he imitated your own subconsciously?

This was the one thing he couldn’t have a manual or guide to study, so he could only hope that he went with the right dialogue choice.

“Everything too, actually.”

■■■■■■■■■■■■■□  AUTOSAVING AUTOSAVE SUCCESSFUL!

The drive back home was quiet. He was exhausted, and he could tell you were too, but as he neared your street his driving got slower and slower, almost unmoving. From the corner of his eye, he saw you fiddle with your ring, twisting it around your fourth finger before pulling it off completely.

“Oh, we’re here,” you said out loud, yet you didn’t make a move to reattach your seatbelt.

“Itaru.”

Oh, wow. If hearing it a while ago trumped hearing it over call, then hearing you murmur his name in private, with just the two of you present, was…

“You look like you have something on your mind,” you continued, “all throughout the whole get-together, actually. Are you okay?”

When everything about this, about you simultaneously felt so new yet so familiar to him, how could he possibly convey his feelings? His admiration, no, his love for you?

He took the ring from your grasp, and before you could question what was up, he had grabbed your hand as well. With a serendipitous conscientiousness, he slid the ring back onto your ring finger, admiring your rosy glow that managed to be visible even with how dark out it was outside.

“The things you said a while ago,” he began, some hesitance still remaining as his thumb glided over your ring, “sounded really convincing.”

You wouldn’t meet his eyes. For a few seconds the both of you kept silent, until you finally broke it off, “maybe I wasn’t lying in the first place.”

He stiffened, pausing his previous ministrations as you continued, “… were you?”

Looking back at the past week, he almost laughed. Other than already being in a relationship, was anything between the two of you ever a lie to begin with?

“I wasn’t, either,” he replied. Taking in a deep breath, your gaze finally locked with his, he took the next step.

“If… if I promise to always be there for you, to hold your hand, help you fight your battles, and shield you from attacks… would you have me?”

want to order again?

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 275: YAAAAY but Also AHHHHH

Previously on BnHA: Endeavor was all “I’M FIGHTING TOMURA AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME” and set everything on fire. Unlike SOME people, however, it turns out fire is NOT Tomura’s weakness, so he basically just shrugged it off. But before things could progress any further, AFO was all “psst, go get One for All” and Tomura was all “? One for All?” and Endeavor was all “?? One for All?” and Deku and Kacchan, who were listening in on their earpieces, were all “!!!” Having thus realized that Tomura was targeting him, Deku sped off to lead him somewhere away from the civilians... accompanied by his good friend Bakugou “274 chapters of character development have all been leading up to this” Katsuki. Because like hell are you going to have an EPIC BATTLE with the FINAL VILLAIN without him, you damn nerd. Who’s he going to heroically sacrifice himself for if you’re not there?? Hahh!?

Today on BnHA: Deku and Kacchan fly off to battle Tomura after confusing Endeavor into giving them his location (which wasn’t very hard lmao). En route, Deku finally thinks to ask Kacchan why he’s tagging along, and Kacchan is all “DON’T GET ME WRONG, IT’S JUST BECAUSE I WANT REVENGE ON TOMURA, AND DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU AT ALL, HOW DARE YOU, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT”, which is super convincing and didn’t make me roll my eyes at all. Anyways so then Tomura shows up and is all “EYO TIME TO KILL YOU NOW” and Deku and Kacchan are all “OH SFFKDFK”, but fortunately Gran shows up to save them in the nick of time, because BnHA is literally the only shounen manga in which grown-ups will see kids trying to lead a battle and be like “lol wtf” and actually try to stop that shit instead of being all “what are your orders, children.” The chapter then ends with the heroes doing EXACTLY WHAT THEY SHOULD BE DOING??Namely, having the guy who can TURN OFF QUIRKS battle the guy with the ultimate death quirk! I’m so proud. But also I swear to god, if Tomura so much as breathes suspiciously in his direction...!! What the fuck. HORIKOSHI.

y’all what in the fresh hell is this bs

not yet there isn’t son but if you keep trolling like this I can give your nervous system something to actually be nervous about

anyway. this was his comment from last week’s issue of Jump, and I have absolutely no idea what it’s referring to, is the fun part! did he cry because of something he was working on in a chapter that’s coming up? or is he just tired from a combination of stressful mangaka schedule + 2020 in general?? or hell, for all I know he just recently watched Titanic or some shit

(ETA: KILLING AIZAWA SHOUTA WOULDN’T MAKE SOMEONE CRY OUT OF JOY, THOUGH. RIGHT?!)

anyways I guess it’s time to read and see if I feel like sadly happily crying for two hours afterward

-- oh shit I just realized there are two scanlations out for this?? one from readjump.com, and one from readheroacademia.com. lol now what. uhhh

lulzes. I guess I’ll go with RHA for now and keep checking back to RJ after each page and I’ll go with whichever translation I liked better

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR MILLENNIAL VILLAIN

or would he actually be gen z. he was already in his twenties when this manga started like six years ago, so I’m going with millennial. but on the cusp though I guess. anyway, he plays video games though is the point

and I see he’s already decided to contradict me and my inane speculations not two panels in! I GUESS I AM JUST A FOOL. that’s really interesting though. I wonder if it’s just Monoma’s quirk that doesn’t take the accumulated “save data” from the people he copies from, then? guh. how many of my AFO/OFA theory notes do I have to scrap now

and there’s a little quirk blurb about Search, which is fairly useless given that we already know how it works (actually in even greater detail than shown here), but at least it comes with a cute little picture of Ragdoll in her hero costume, to make us all sad and stuff

so anyways Tomura who are you looking at?? this was a topic of some contention last week! also why were you only seeing nine people then. Ragdoll had seen everyone in 1-A along with Aizawa and her fellow Pussycats at a minimum, so is this confirmation that Tora and Mandalay and Pixie-Bob are all really dead then, because I CAN AND WILL HUNT DOWN A MAN AND MAKE HIM CRY FOR A GOOD DEAL LONGER THAN TWO HOURS IF THAT’S REALLY THE CASE. was Kouta not traumatized enough already?? LET’S JUST ORPHAN HIM AGAIN WHY NOT THAT’S A GOOD PLAN

(ETA: I really hate that we are still up in the air regarding this? and I mean, sure, why not, we only had like a dozen lady heroes to begin with, so why not just kill off two more of them, offscreen, in one fell swoop??)

WHAT IS A SHAME. TOMURA. DAMN IT

(ETA: ??)

-- well hello there

OR MAYBE I WAS NOT A FOOL AT ALL?? lol guys. please do not tell me my hobo husband is flying his vengeful ass over to where Tomura all heedless of the danger because I really do not need that just yet. CAN MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS PLEASE FUCKING TAKE TURNS BEING IN TERRIBLE DANGER INSTEAD OF ALL AT ONCE

sob we’re cutting back to Endeavor and Deku and Kacchan. ACTUALLY THAT’S GOOD THOUGH why am I complaining. I’m just gonna have to get used to the fact that no one is going to truly be safe for the next god knows however many chapters, and make my peace with that. hahaha. yeah right

lmao Deku. “HEY WHAT’S UP, ME AND MY FELLOW CHILD HERE ARE GONNA LURE SHIGARAKI TOWARDS US, BUT WE’LL EXPLAIN OUR REASONS FOR THAT LATER. IF YOU SEE HIM MAKING ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS PLEASE INFORM US SO AS TO AID US IN THIS PLAN.” Endeavor if you just go along with this I will lose so much respect for you lmao

lol he is trying to argue a bit but then he’s suddenly cutting off. so in hindsight I don’t know why I said “lol”, really. I’M JUST NERVOUS OKAY

btw in the other translation Deku straight up asks if Endeavor can redirect Tomura towards them. “sure no problem bucko, let me just tell the walking apocalypse exactly where he can find you, my two sixteen-year-old interns whose safety I am responsible for. I was just thinking to myself that I hadn’t had my fill of crazy ill-thought-out plans with a high risk of death today”

holy --

okay I have not the SLIGHTEST clue what’s going on here, even after analyzing both scans, except that someone, probably Tomura, either just went CRONCH or just GOT cronched just now lmao. let us read on to find out who was cronched and who did the cronching

the rest of this page is not really much more helpful

but I am becoming increasingly suspicious that those were in fact Tomura’s new, improved and ridiculously thicc legs doing the cronching as he did a Marvel Superhero Landing from the most RIDICULOUS ANGLE POSSIBLE

LMAO NOW WHAT

so he just cronched onto the ground and fooshed Endeavor and then went flying off again huh

LMAO AT EVERYTHINNNNNG

THANK YOU ENJI. HE’LL LURE HIM AWAY. lols WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TELL THEM WHICH WAY HE WAS HEADED YOU BOOB

he really just fucking hung up on him afterwards too. just, “got it thanks amigo just leave everything to me, [CLICK]”

OH MY GOD

BECAUSE WE CAN’T HAVE ANYONE ELSE CONVENIENTLY INTERFERING WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR LITTLE THROWDOWN OF DESTINY HUH. THAT WOULD JUST BE TERRIBLE

-- oh shit

that’s just. a SLIGHT change in meaning, there. silly me. thinking “get rid of them” meant “get rid of their communications as opposed to FUCKING KILLING THE ONE YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY AFTER. hmm. well that’s not good

(ETA: never have I been so happy that a translation was wrong lmao.)

so now Endeavor’s shouting at everyone else that Tomura is heading southwest and that he has “SUPER REGENARTION” (sic) and is no longer THE SAME THUG HE WAS BEFORE and yeah RHA you have officially won me over, flaws and all. listen up boyos. this ain’t your granddaddy’s Shigaraki Tomura. this one regenars

also “that damn kid...” like why the hell did my son have to go and befriend two protagonists. why is this my life now

AHAHAHAHA

“MIDORIYA IS IN DANGER...!!” STORY OF THIS MANGA. AHAHA. KACCHAN HE’S COMING. HE’S COMING, KACCHAN. for you two. someone please help me I am both terrified and thrilled beyond all recognition and my body doesn’t know how to handle the conflicting emotions. honestly crying for two hours is starting to sound more and more appealing

oh my god I forgot they didn’t know, though

fff. Kacchan especially didn’t know, because unlike Deku he doesn’t have random bits of other people’s souls going “heyyyyyyy... transcendent being at 12 o’clock.” what has this kid so bravely and stupidly gone and gotten himself into

look at them go

damn Deku can you really not float yet?? that’s going to be really inconvenient if that’s the case

(ETA: my boy really would have just straight up died. he would have died so hard.)

OH MY GOD

NOW YOU WANT TO ASK HIM LMAOOOO. well it’s because of all the character development!! if you must know

THAT’S NOT AN ANSWER BLASTY MCANGERTY

you’re not as smooth as you think you are, you know. we all know why you actually followed him. but fine, be that way

okay so now he’s giving a real-er answer though

“understand the situation”, the situation being that your best friend and his secret-trump-card-in-the-battle-against-evil quirk were being targeted by the guy who just obliterated this entire city. got it. you put it quite succinctly

and Deku is all

and Kacchan is all

love how he throws that protagonist crack in there too. because we all know that Deku absolutely is the protagonist lol, and so if that part’s obviously not true, we can make some inferences about the rest of what he’s saying too now can’t we

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh snap

YOU SURE DO!! and he does with you too!! :) it’s gonna be one big happy reunion! :) :) :) oh gosh golly

OH NO KATSUKI WHAT ARE YOU DOING

what are you doing to me, I should clarify. please be considerate of my feelings. you can’t just DUMP sudden Kacchan Kamino Angst on me without any warning, you have to let me know in advance so that I can buy some thank you cards

THERE’S MOREEEEE???

YOU REMEMBER TOO, DON’T YOU DEKU. HE WAS ALL CRYING AND STUFF. IT WAS A LOT. IT’S POSSIBLE THAT I HAVE NEVER PERSONALLY GOTTEN OVER IT

AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE NEVER QUITE GOT OVER IT EITHER

:’)

by the way in the other translation he says “I’ll make up for what I did that day.” so yeah. BOOM. right to the heart. shot of me collapsing to the ground in slow motion

but it’s interesting though that he still can’t admit to having selfless motives yet! even after everything he’s been through and all his character growth! he’s still all GET RID OF THE REFERENCES TO ME CARING ABOUT YOU, WE CAN’T LET PEOPLE KNOW WE HAVE FEELINGS

but even his Kamino feels are notably first and foremost about him feeling responsible for failing All Might. so yeah, buddy. where does that leave you? even your feeble excuses are still rooted in selflessness, JUST GIVE IN AND ADMIT YOU’VE BEEN SECRETLY GIVING A SHIT BEHIND EVERYONE’S BACK. and honestly he might be better off at this point if he didn’t! BUT HE DOES. and that’s that

anyways Deku I sure hope you and your big hero brain can see right through this nonsense

god. you’re both in so much danger though, do you even have any idea?! of course you fucking don’t. god

HELLO BAKUGOU NARRATION!?!

well that’s one hell of a rare sight!! all fresh and chock full of shrewd observations about his best rival’s current skillset. ah what a time we’re living in

ooooh

gonna hold off commentary until I read the next part of this lol

OOOOOH

goddamn. Horikoshi really went off this week. just a whole chapter’s worth of Stuff Makeste Really Likes, goddamn is it my birthday or what

so do you guys think he’ll be able to keep pace all the way up to 100%? I can see this part being interpreted in two totally different ways if I’m being honest. on the one hand we have the more pessimistic (some would say realistic) view that Bakugou is desperately trying to convince himself that he’s still on the same level as the rival he so desperately wants to surpass, but with the sinking feeling that he’s actually not going to be able to keep up for much longer. and then on the other side of the coin we have the more glass-half-full perspective that he actually is capable of keeping up with him right to the bitter end. that even as Deku grows stronger, he’ll continue to push himself and use that as motivation to keep getting stronger too. that Deku isn’t out of reach; that his goal isn’t out of reach

and I’m not completely sure which way this is leaning myself! I personally would like to lean more towards the second interpretation, because y’all know I love me some rivals. and also because imo one of the most commendable things about Bakugou’s development has been how he hasn’t once been envious of Deku’s strength or of his position as All Might’s chosen heir since he learned about OFA. he hasn’t once shown any kind of resentment towards him for it, or doubted whether or not he deserves it. and as minor a detail as that may seem to some people, I cherish it. and I don’t want that to change! but I guess we shall see

so now we’re getting the clearest shot we’ve had yet of the new AFO holes in Tomura’s palms as he gets ready to combine some more quirks. also! more information about the quirks he has and is using! fucking thank you, where was this last week

so “radio waves” is clearly going to be used here to disrupt the heroes’ communication, which is a shame for them, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t relieved given the alternative! the RJ translation is clearly just a hot mess lol. but I still adore that one “I’ll make up for what I did” line though

WOW

THE DISRESPECT. LOL DID YOU JUST FUCKING KILL HIS ASS

(ETA: I just realized he’s nowhere to be found after this, though, so... did he?? or is he now lying somewhere now all wounded and waiting to be found by one, or, dare I say, two of his sons? ...)

LKDFJLSDKGHOSIDGHOISDflkwejfdfsdklggdflgnfdlgndakgalkgldfdfkwlfwiowelKLDSGKSL:DKGJL:DKFM?G?SGSDLKG?SDFSDF??LKJ@L!

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT

even if you ask him nicely??! somehow I just can’t help feeling that he probably shouldn’t oblige you, though!?!?!

anyways. THAT AIN’T SAFE. and what the hell is happening in that bottom left corner ahhhhhh

AHHHHHHH

GRAN DM ME YOUR ADDRESS I WANT TO SEND YOU SOME FLOWERS AND A BASKET OF FRUIT AND CRACKERS AND SOME LITTLE CHEESES AND SAUSAGES

jesus christ it completely slipped my mind that there was one other person currently in the vicinity who knows about OFA. my good sir, maybe you would like to introduce these two dunderfucks to the concept of a “plan.” and maybe you can also find the single shared braincell they apparently dropped and lost somewhere back there in all the city rubble

oh fuck me

(ETA: does Kacchan look so rattled here because he is being lectured, or because he just saw a vision of his own death and is now having it explained to him just how close he came to being decomposed. you decide! I’ll just sit here and bask in the angst.)

fuck. main character gods were really working overtime here. anyways so how are you all doing this fine Friday afternoon. me, I’m just sitting here wrangling with the knowledge that Tomura’s quirk is even deadlier than I realized, and that my two little boys came within inches of dying horrible deaths just now. but anyways it’s not as humid today as it was yesterday so that’s really nice

anyways so now Gran is continuing to lecture the mayor of Dumb Ideas Town here, along with his friend the deputy mayor who still thinks he outranks the actual mayor

SHH NOW AND LISTEN TO YOUR GRANDPA

-- ohhhh shit son are they mounting a counterattack?? don’t tell me!!

also is Gran seriously faster than Tomura. that makes no fucking sense, and yet these two are only alive now because of it so I’M SURE NOT GONNA QUESTION IT

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

AND IS AIZAWA ON HER BACK THOUGH???

AHAHHAHAHAHAHA

AH, BUT IT AIN’T GONNA WORK THOUGH, IS IT!!! AHAHAHA YESSSSSS

excellent question sir. the short answer is “they’re idiots”, and the long answer is just a longer version of “they’re idiots” but with some more complicated BakuDeku feels mixed in. I’ll tell you all about it if you just promise me that you’ll actually live through this, all right?

“is he after the two of them?” listen boy if you don’t finally put two and two together after this I’m gonna be fucking beside myself lol. (though honestly, Deku and Kacchan have been targeted by the League so many other times already that he might just simply accept “yeah they’re after them again” without any further explanation)

my dear gentlefolk would you fucking look at how the lord has blessed us on this day

Aizawa Fucking Shouta and the motherfucking dramatic intro to end all dramatic intros. finally this man gets his moment

someone please teach me how to cast a force field. teach me how to reach into the manga and slap this man and tell him to stop talking about how everyone’s noble sacrifices to protect him and his eraser quirk have led him to this day and to this one encounter. my guy. my fucking dude. THERE HAD BETTER BE SUBSEQUENT ENCOUNTERS AFTER THIS

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

ISN’T HE THOUGH??? Tomura I love you sweetie but you better BACK THE FUCK. OFF

well FINE THEN! BE THAT WAY. it’s not like my life revolves around you and your stupid manga anyway!! it’s not like I’m obsessed with it or anything!! I have other hobbies!! well I actually do have other hobbies, so that doesn’t really work as sarcasm, so let’s see though. maybe something more like, “this isn’t by far my favorite out of all my hobbies!!” I don’t spend 80-90% of my free time on any given day either actively or passively daydreaming about this series and writing essays in my head and reading fanfic and scrolling through art on tumblr!! etc.!! whatever!! enjoy your break!! have fun living your life!!

please don’t kill Aizawa

[sdwolfpup]

I honestly believe JB have more of a chance at a happy ending together than A*ya/Gend*y or S*nSa* since the former reads as a first love than than a life-long love while the latter is creepy to me. And to be honest, George not doing the time skip probably killed these ships happening in canon and not just as a note in an epilogue.

At this point, I feel the ships that have the most chance at being canon (and possibly a happy ending) are JB, Asha/Whichever Boy Toy She Choose Though I Think She Should Choose Alysane Mormont, Theon/Jeyne Poole, Arianne/Daemon Sand, Edmure/Roslin, J*n Sn*w/D*ny (:/, you did a whole incest is bad thing George, why backtrack here) and either Arianne/fAegon or Elia Sand/fAegon (Aegon super doomed though). I’ve heard arguments about Tyrion/Penny so I’m interesting in seeing where that’s going.

I would like to see Loras find a second love because I think he deserves to be happy and not devote his life to a celibate service that will force him into ethically comprising positions.

Let me lead off with: thank you for this ask! It’s been really interesting to think about. It’s been sitting in my box for a few days because every time I think about it, my mind kind of skitters away from how to respond and I realized this morning it’s because I think that in a lot of ways George doesn’t care about shipping in terms of the romance being the point beyond how it affects his larger plot. Yes, even Jaime/Brienne. I know that’s not a popular opinion in this fandom, but my sense of the books (YMMV, IMO, etc. etc.) is that he is writing to the plot and the relationships drive parts of that plot but they are stepping stones to get everyone where he wants them. I think Jaime and Brienne’s relationship is important to him because of the changes it causes for each character, but then I also think he’s taking that next step to use those changes to further drive plot. This isn’t a criticism of George’s writing on this front, btw, just that I don’t think George thinks about the time skip or how he’s going to shape things in terms of “is this going to get JB together towards a happy ending” so much as “is this going to get Jaime and Brienne to where I need them to be to accomplish the things I want in the story.” 

So the question I ask myself is: are they being together in the canon before an epilogue something he wants for this plot, and I think it is. To what purpose, I honestly can’t say, but the Long Night and their swords are significant. Beyond that, I truly don’t know. I have seen so many theories that I just throw my hands up at this point. It could go several different ways, but it all depends on what George has in his head and he’s, unfortunately, the only one who knows that. 

But that original question is the one I ask myself for all of these pairings - does GRRM want Arya and Gendry together before the end of the book for some reason that will serve his larger plot? I could see it, if Gendry being a Baratheon does becomes a significant part of his story. Although Arya is a child in the books so I don’t anticipate that being consummated exactly. Same for Sansa and Sandor - I think Sandor’s love for her will be a plot-relevant thing, but especially given the age problem with them (she’s SO YOUNG in the books), I don’t see that being consummated in any way in the series itself. Unless he shoves the time jump in somewhere else, which again: who the heck knows.

For the others -- I could see them all, but only in passing and only as they become relevant to the sprawling plot he’s trying to bring together. He doesn’t have space to spend time on shipping, so “making it canon” is going to be limited at best, and anything extensive is going to focus on major POV characters, and is going to be how it impacts the plot (which is why I could see Jon and Dany being a Thing). 

I DO honestly think the response to the end of Game of Thrones might be affecting him, and he might change some of the ideas he’d had before to fit a new and (I suspect) better path. But then again he may just be a stubborn fuck and double down. I love everyone’s speculation, but I have come to this calm pool of “only GRRM knows what GRRM meant, and we’re not gonna know unless he tells us.” That doesn’t invalidate people’s meta, btw, just that in a sense of “being canon,” that’s on George. Seeing as we’re never gonna get ADWD at this point (and also probably not TWOW let’s be real), canon is quantum and all things are possible and frankly I love that for fandom. Tyrion’s your valonqar and Sansa marries Jon and Bronn gets skewered by Brienne’s sword? Great. JB end up on Tarth and Arya lives a roving and restless life occasionally meeting up in nameless inns with Jaquen when she’s older and Sansa becomes queen in the north and eventually marries her long-time guard Hyle? Well. Some of us think it happens like that. *shifty eyes* 

Though personally I think Loras is gonna die. I have no snippets or plot-based reasons to back that up, it’s just a ~feeling~. I don’t want him to (or not to), but it feels like he will. Grandly. 

[lamortexiii]

Cryptic Mystic: In the End

To bounce off of the previous blog posting, I thought it would be fun to just hop right on into the topic of what happens after we die. After all, we just finished talking about souls and a bit of astral projection last time. From transcending to another place/dimension to reincarnation, there truly is a lot to cover when you start diving into the many beliefs and ideas that surround death and mortality/immortality. But what differentiates the scientific facts from myths and stories of olden days? For those who believe in one defined means to an end for us all, how do you know for a fact that what you believe is true? Have you ever questioned what is life after death? Hell, is there a life after death? Or maybe… it’s something else… something so obscure that our tiny human brains are nowhere near possessing the capabilities to understand it. In the end, readers can decide for themselves what is more likely to be true, or maybe… the answer to this cryptic question has been right in front of us all along? Maybe it is a combination of what we know but do not yet understand. Let’s talk shop, shall we?

Death. Happy for some, a time of joy and celebration for others, but likely a time of sadness and grief for most. Some welcome death with open arms, while yet others fear their mortality. The numerous speculations on what happens after we die is overwhelming. There are far too many ideas and beliefs that people hold in this regard. I’ll briefly cover a few of the more popular beliefs as to not make this blog super lengthy - because, ya know, your attention span and whatnot. 

Scientifically, there are two types of death: clinical death and brain death. Clinical death is characterized by major organ failure (e.g. heart, liver, kidneys, etc.) until the body is completely rendered of functioning and the individual is officially pronounced dead. In brain death, solely the brain stops functioning, but the other organs within the body continue to work within their normal capacities. Creepy fun fact for you: the heart can beat for up to 30 minutes on its own after all brain cells have died. Once the heart stops it’s adios amigo. The remaining major organs that were barely hanging on have now lost blood flow, and life has ended. More creepy death fun facts: the gastrointestinal tract can live on its own for up to 3 days, and the complete decomposition of a body takes roughly 30 years! Crazy science stuff. 

Now let’s take a look at some common beliefs and speculations of what happens when/after we die. Again, I want to remind you, readers, that in my eyes there is no right or wrong answer here. I am a firm believer in everyone having their own beliefs and respect all of them regardless of how obscure some naysayers may think that they are. I enjoy hearing stories from followers that help to further broaden my thought processes. If you ever have an interesting story or want to chime in with your thoughts please feel free to leave a comment here or shoot on over to Instagram and we can rap about it. 

The belief that we transcend to another realm/dimension has been around for thousands of years and has been studied for decades. There is a lot to uncover here between recent scientific discoveries and human belief. Many people believe that many other dimensions exist, however, scientific exploration hasn’t fully found the golden answer to if and what these other dimensions may contain if they do indeed exist. We know that Earth has at least three dimensions: space—length, width, and depth—and one dimension of time. Modern physics posits that there is at least a fourth dimension of space, but that we can’t experience it. Maybe we can? Maybe we do but just haven’t put a label on it? Maybe the odd phenomena that happen across the world that people describe as being ghosts, aliens, and other paranormal activities are actually from the next dimension or another. There has been speculation that extraterrestrials come from another dimension through a portal that is already here on Earth rather than from the sky (outer space). 

Give me an R! Give me an E! Hell, this word is too long and I’m not going to put you through reading a silly cheer for 5 minutes. Reincarnation - yet another commonly held belief of what happens when we die. For those of you who may have never heard of reincarnation, here is the quick and dirty version of the definition. Reincarnation posits that when we die our spirit/soul/whatever you want to call it, moves on to a new host. This host could be a human baby that is born the very second that you die OR you could possibly find yourself reincarnated as an animal, tree, flower, or any other living thing that you can find on Earth. Interesting concept indeed.

My favorite belief, that we go to Heaven or somewhere similar, is one that is believed by millions of people across the world. Wouldn’t it be nice to die and go to another world/place where nothing can do you harm, and just live out the rest of your existence in peace? Well, if you can believe it then it may just happen that way - or maybe not. I am fairly certain I have mentioned this in previous blogs, but religion can be thought of as a coping mechanism for that which we do not know or understand; the human way of putting a label on something to make ourselves feel better or like we are a part of something divine and much greater than us. Which, in all actuality, we very well may be a part of something divine and much greater than us, however, it is my personal opinion that we honestly have no fucking clue about the extent to which that is. 

Now, this next one I threw in here because I personally found it to be interesting. In 2017 I was having a conversation with a friend about mystical things such as portals, extraterrestrials, etc. My friend informed me of a research video on YouTube about a company called CERN. He described this Swiss company as having built a circular-shaped machine that when you throw something into its core it disappears. However, other items have come through this machine and into the room from… wherever the other side is? Basically, these people have created a portal and no one knows about it. You’re welcome for the information. Within this research video, the guy who was describing all of this stuff went on to talk about how China had gifted the statue that sits in front of the CERN building. This particular statue is reported to represent the end of time and hell on Earth. There is a whole mythical background story about this statue - you need to check it out. The irony between the statue and this machine they made is uncanny. It made my jaw drop. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I haven’t been able to find the YouTube video again, so I am not sure if it got taken down because the guy exposed something that was supposed to be secret, or maybe I just suck at YouTube searches. Either way, I encourage you to do some digging on this one, because this type of information could potentially support the whole soul/spirit transcending into another realm/dimension belief. I am not a physicist, so I could be explaining this all wrong. You’ll just have to check out their website for yourself and see what it’s all about. → home.cern

There is also the belief that when we die nothing happens. We are dead and it is the end of who we once were. This belief is often held by Atheists and some Satanists if we’re using labels. However, many people believe this who aren’t subscribed to a religion or don’t want to necessarily put a label on who they are/what they believe. This is the grim reality of our existence. Maybe it all means… nothing… Now isn’t that depressing. 

Then there are near-death experiences, which brings a whole different perspective into the mix. People all over the world have encountered near-death experiences. Many report shockingly similar experiences and stories. Some say they see a white light and follow it to a place of peace. I have heard people say that while they were legally deceased they found themself in a field of flowers or floating within the cosmos. A common theme found within these individuals is that once they have had their near-death experience, they aren’t afraid of death anymore - they welcome it with open arms. One woman on a documentary that I watched even went as far as to say that she didn’t want to come back from where she was and was disappointed when she was revived. These experiences could possibly support the theory of transcending to other dimensions or that there is a “heaven.” I can’t explain it, but I still find the information interesting to ponder upon. 

Our mortality is evident, but what really happens when we die? These are just a short collection of ideas and beliefs that have been around for ages, however, there are many more to consider I’m sure. What do you think? Or should I say: what do you want to believe? Ultimately it’s your choice. Whatever brings you peace, serves you well, and is the right answer for you is what I advise you to turn to. This flesh and blood will decay for each of us one day - it’s inevitable. It is for this very reason why I say live life to the fullest. Regret nothing. Do what best serves you. Do what makes you happy. Take chances. Above all else - be the best version of yourself that makes you happy.

Cryptic Mystic Blog by PsychVVitch

www.LaMorteXiii.com

[potatoesandsunshine]

Campaign 2 Wrap Up: Anna Potatoesandsunshine Edition

Seemed like it would be fun to go through all the fan content I made for this campaign and try to find at least one thing I like about each thing! Kind of like looking back through a photo album. Under the cut because as it turns out, I wrote kind of a lot! (As in, 21 fics and 3 playlists kind of a lot!)

the sea, once it casts its spell (fjord speculation, what’s up with all this ocean stuff?? the fic)

The first thing I wrote for c2, wayyy in the beginning of things. We had no idea about Uk’otoa or Avantika or anyone at this point, it was pure ocean vibes for my favorite warlock. I really like how hard I leaned in on the “the ocean follows Fjord to land” idea.

so many things will fill my life (but only one will do) (post-campaign cali/jester fluff, written the night of the cali episode and so sweet it could rot your teeth)

This one is just good. I just did good with this one. I’m one of those people who hates their own work the night of posting and then when looking back at it goes, “Wow, this is great.” My favorite thing is the little gifts sent along with the letters! Cali was so fun and cute :)

when the dust does roam (Beau study up to Episode 42, 2k words of Beau poking at the idea of grief)

Best thing I did in this fic was have Caleb-through-Frumpkin bugging Beau about getting some sleep. They really... they’re siblings, your honor. 

“  “Fuck off, I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Beau picks the bird up and sets him in the hood of her own cloak, out of reach of any weasels or startled monks in the morning. It’d suck to have to tell Caleb that his Frumpkin got eaten by Sprinkle.” C’mon guys, let’s do the sibling dance.

keep your swords out by your sides (the idea for this was, What If Fjord Has Nightmares From Uk’otoa Every Night and just doesn’t remember them)

Assigning everybody a word Uk’otoa had said for each nightmare in this was a challenge; I went into it knowing I wanted Caleb for Learn and Caduceus for Consume and had to guess the rest - for an angry eye snake Uk’otoa didn’t give us a ton of quotes. 

“ He reaches over and runs a hand along the wall of the ship. From his touch, mushrooms begin sprouting.” Caduceus starting to decompose the Mistake in the middle of cooking was maybe the best moment in this story for me. Like, yeah. Yeah. Ok you funky little grave cleric.

strange but not a stranger (Caleb & Jester, in the immediate aftermath of Caleb’s charm in Episode 55)

the first of my “the Mighty Nein won’t have these conversations with each other in canon so they have to be had in fic” ideas that turned into a full-fledged story. I still had not discovered the em dash at this point, so the formatting of this makes me cringe a little bit, but this fic was really about The Emotions Of Being Out Of Control which turned out to be a very big Thing for the Mighty Nein.

now this story was when swords were humble (fake academia mixed with a Yasha study)

Honestly I’m still obsessed with the AU I made here where Yasha was just awakening every sword she used without knowing it?? Why did I use that here only?? That might come back. But the best part about this fic is the citations; me at my most in-joke and ridiculous.

through the teeth of this tempest (Written in the immediate aftermath of Episode 69, Yasha internally trying to break Obann’s control over the course of a month.)

The most “I wrote this to cope with canon” fic out of all of them. I was crying writing this, I was so upset that Yasha was gone ugh just remembering it. Still waiting for past me to discover the em dash, I genuinely don’t know why I didn’t know how to do it and I’ve thought about going back and editing all of these but I’m just Not Gonna Do All That. Anyway, I really like how Yasha catches lightning with her sword in this. We all really manifested that happening.

nothing more than what the losers settle for (Time travel, a series of oneshots where each member of the m9 sans Caduceus went back to a different point in the timeline and murdered Trent Ikithon)

This was my longest fic for c2, so I’m mostly just glad it got finished. This happened somewhere around the time Matt released that set of notes that mentioned Trent in more detail and I hated him so much I just had to write him dying six times. That speaks for itself.

Revolutionary!Fjord was also a good turn. He could pull it off, I think.

we’re gonna show ‘em a thing, or two, or three (Jester growing up fluff!)

I really like how I did Jester & Artagan in this, even though he barely appears. Someone better at songwriting than me please write the Dragon Song. Em dash makes an appearance here but the formatting is still wrong. I Am Once Again Asking For Proper Use Of The Em Dash.

the best things (happen while you’re dancing) (Mid-Episode 97 Divergence, Jester taking the reins at the party + hints of jester/beau/yasha bc i still love my girls so much)

Jester’s a little out of character in this, but not wildly so, and it was for the purposes of a Trapped By Societal Convention plot that I wanted her to mastermind so I think it was fine in the end. I’m still fascinated by the way she unbalanced Ludinus Da’leth in basically every interaction they had, and while their scene feels pretty cliche in this... the cliches are there for a reason. They’re so fun to write.

Em dash my beloved, there you are.

plus thirty-one varieties of sacramental wine (The Galavant crossover that truly nobody asked for, Beau + the monks)

Yeah, this one’s just fun. Not much more to say about it. Critical Role and Galavant are both fantasy, but they’re honestly pretty different in tone, and it was fun to write Beau dropped into a comedy musical.

oh we were sea-bound and aimless at best (Purely angst, a What If The Fjord & Orly Resurrections Didn’t Work fic)

Made myself care about Marius with this one, y’all. What more can I say? Beau having to go from first mate to captain was just... deliciously painful, because she would.

lost my shape trying to act casual (Beau & Yasha during travelercon, another mid-episode fic, this time of 104)

Yasha comforting Beau, who feels guilty for not feeling guilty... That Mighty Nein wasn’t lying, Mind Control and Autonomy can be themes. Another in the  “the Mighty Nein won’t have these conversations with each other in canon so they have to be had in fic” tank. They really just... didn’t open up to each other for a long time, which made sense, but I wanted them to.

so long as you don’t mind a little dying (Beau & Caduceus, sometime in the peace talks arc)

Keeping with the Mighty Nein Please Talk To Each Other theme, I feel like I did a pretty good job with the late-night conversation energy of this fic. This was at a time when I was looking at Caduceus, can opener in hand, ready to make this firbolg open up about his feelings. Beau in this is prickly and confrontational but only in service of her friend’s well-being.

amber light, bending (Eiselcross speculation, Widofjord and all the messiness therein)

THE widofjord fic of my two widofjord fics. The blueprint. The better one. Finally I got the dynamic figured out. I maintain that the tower is an absolute expression of Caleb’s love for his friends. The way that neither of them have the braincell in this fic... yeah this one is just good.

and a blade between them (Widofjord happening... sometime.)

Okay so this is not as good as amber light and I will never be able to look at it and like it as much, but it was still fun to write. Anyway, the intimacy of shaving someone else. That is good. The tag “if they didn’t want me to think about the blood pact they shouldn’t have made the blood pact” is the most useful takeaway from this fic and is the driving force behind the Fjord/Jester/Caleb fic I’m working on now, so it wasn’t a waste of time or anything.

feel the ground beneath my feet turn into the sky (Post-Campaign Astrid-retires-to-Nicodranas, Astrid/Jester)

This is another one where I’m like “Yeah, this is just good.” Packed full of Wizard Fashion, Artagan making an appearance to rope Astrid into having a happier future, and the power of Going To The Seaside. Good for you, fic-Astrid.

spend your days biting your own neck (Role-reversal where Beau is the one mind-controlled this time and Yasha is the one chasing after her, set very early in the Tomb Takers arc)

So much of this fic is about not saying things aloud - Beau’s POV spends a good chunk on body language and Yasha writes multiple letters on paper and in her own head - but devotion bleeding through anyway because there’s nowhere else for it to go. The two of them go tumbling over a cliff together at the end but Yasha has wings, ugh. Yeah this was a good one.

and blow the dry leaves from the tree (Somewhere before the beauyasha date but otherwise timeline-nonspecific Nicodranas, Yasha & Yeza become friends)

Yasha & Yeza making pancakes together when neither of them know how to do so... is good. This fic is very much about grief sneaking in, but it’s even more about finding someone to share the moment with you. I think these two have more in common than we think.

oh, lend a mending hand (Caleb & Caduceus during Beau’s tombstone meditation in Episode 130)

I wrote this entire fic as an excuse for Caleb and Caduceus to hug and it does what it says on the tin. Got em.

it’s about the passing of measures (Beauyasha at the end of Episode 134, Aeor speculation)

This fic got extremely sidetracked because I rediscovered the marble machine during it and I do not apologize for that. I still really like the idea that Aeor as a whole, not just the Cognouza, is somewhat-alive. Too much magic and too much death for it to be anything else, in my mind. And I’m a sap for hurt/comfort.

the blumentrio playlist nobody asked for

If I think too much about how deep in each other these three people are I will cry. Made myself a soundtrack for those tears. 

the caleb playlist nobody asked for

what if this angsty wizard had a playlist of songs that mostly just... make me want to dance? that question was answered here.

the caduceus playlist nobody asked for

songs about home, leaving home, dying, changing, becoming someone new, coming home and finding it’s changed... this to me is caduceus.

yeah... this campaign has been fun!! I probably won’t stop making things about it; I still write about Vox Machina, for crying out loud, but... it feels good to lay it all out like this. It’s been a long few years, and it’s wild to be seeing the end of it now.

[garbage-tozier]

stay - e.k. (part one)

prompt number: four - “i know you didn’t ask for this.”

fandom: it (eddie kaspbrak x reader)

rating: e for everyone

warnings: cheating?

word count: 3.7k

a/n: angst, but there’s fluff in between... there will be a part two to this so look out for that! also: y/n/n is your nick name, and the italics are flashbacks.

————————–

"love, i was thinking we order out tonight," you greeted your husband, not looking up at him as you opened your house door. "i'm not really in the mood to-"

looking up for the first time since you'd entered, you saw your husband, naked on your couch, making with another woman. she, too, was unclothed, and couldn't of been much older than 20 or 21.

you felt numb. like you weren't connected to your own body. you heard an ear-splitting scream tumble from your lips, tears already overflowing from your eyes.

"y/n, wait, it's not-"

you stood there, horrified. you couldn't think. all you could do was grab your bag and run straight back out of the door.

you started up your car, barely able to see through your tears. you wiped your eyes enough that you could see, and started driving.

anywhere, you thought, would be better than where i am right now. that house. that man. you just needed to get away.

you let yourself drive, not paying attention to the specific roads you were taking. all that was taking up your focus at the moment was brushing away the tears welling in your eyes fast enough that you could see the road.

stopping at a red light, you realized where you were.

"can you believe it, eddie?" you squealed, shaking his arm. "we did it! we finally got away from that stupid ass town!"

"and the stupid ass clown that came with it," he added, making you giggle.

the two of you had had it all planned out since you were ten. it was just the kind of thing best friends did. planned to move in together when they got older? it was a common thing.

but, unlike most people, your and eddie's dream had actually come true.

"wow, look how gorgeous it is," you marveled, staring at the house you and eddie had bought.

"and it's ours," he smiled at you, looping his arm through yours.

you were perfectly on track to driving right back to that gorgeous house.

you and eddie had lived there together up until you got married off to another man, and moved in with your husband.

you didn't know if eddie still lived there, but it was worth a try. right now, all you needed was to cry on your best friend's shoulder.

and so you kept driving. right up until you saw that same lovely house again.

you pulled your car into the same place you and eddie had parked on that first night there, almost entirely forgetting about your husband's affair.

you grabbed your bag, locked your car, and started towards the front door.

you had your fist raised and ready, about to knock, when suddenly, you had second thoughts.

you hadn't seen eddie (or any of the other losers, for that matter) for years. who was to say he would still see you as his best friend? who was to say he'd even recognize you?

only one way to find out, you thought, knocking on the door three times.

"be there in a minute!" you heard eddie's voice ring out. just by hearing his voice, you were immediately filled with joy.

you heard a large crash, and a yelp. you couldn't help but laugh, remembering your friend's clumsy nature.

"sorry it took so long," said eddie, opening the door. "i walked into the..."

he suddenly stopped talking, taking in your face. tears appeared in your eyes again, but this time for a different reason.

"y/n?" he asked, a look of awe dawning his face. he reached out and cupped your cheek as you nodded.

you jumped onto him, encasing him in a bear hug. "oh, eddie, i missed you so much!"

he hugged you back, just as tightly. "i... i missed you too y/n," he said quietly.

the two of you stood like that, hugging in the front door, for a while. when you finally pulled away, eddie invited you in.

"sure," you laughed, wiping away your newer tears with your pointer finger. "i'd love to see what you've done with the place."

he chuckled nervously, letting you step over the threshold.

as you looked around your old house, you had to refrain from gagging. it looked like fourteen grandma's had vomited everywhere- and everything was shit brown.

"eddie, do you take constructive criticism?"

"no, but i do," you heard from somewhere else in the house.

a woman who bore a striking resemblance to sonia kaspbrak walked up to you.

she held out a stiff hand, and you shook it. "myra kaspbrak," she said coldly. she walked over to eddie, gripping his arm tightly. "eddie's wife,"

you tried your best to be polite, continuing to smile at the woman. "it's a pleasure to meet you," you said, glancing at eddie. he looked uncomfortable under her grip. "i'm y/n l/n," you said. you winced at your husbands last name, but tried not to   cry.

"myra, this is my old best friend from when i was younger," eddie told her. "she and i bought this house together,"

"did you?" myra laughed tartly, staring you down. you squirmed under her gaze, feeling as though you'd done something wrong.

"it was lovely meeting you, myra, but do you think i could talk to eddie privately for a moment?"

the hatred seeping from the woman's eyes now was undeniable. somehow, though, eddie couldn't see it.

"of course!" she said, almost as if you was speaking through gritted teeth. her expression scared you- to say the least.

you took eddie's other arm, leading him away from sonia- er, myra- taking him into a door that used to lead to a sitting area.

now, behind the door was an office, presumably eddie's, as you couldn't imagine myra working.

"what did you need to talk abo-" eddie asked you. but before he could finish you'd already broke down crying in his arms.

"i didn't want to say anything in front of your wife, but my husband cheated on me," you sobbed into eddie's shirt.

"you wanna talk about it?" eddie said softly. his arms were wrapped around your shoulders, your chin resting on one of his.

you nodded, pulling away from the hug. he sat on his desk, while you took the chair, and throughout the next few minutes, you told him everything you knew.

how you'd speculated a couple of times, but never truly investigated, out of trust. how today your boss's son had a dentist appointment, so you and your co-workers had all ben let off of work early. how you'd walked in on your husband and his mistress and turned around and walked right back out.

how you'd absentmindedly driven here.

you sniffled as you finished your story, staring down at the floor.

"wow," eddie said.

"yeah. wow," you mirrored him. suddenly, there was a loud pounding sound, and the door shook.

"hello? eddie-bear, you and that girl have been in there for a long time!"

eddie jumped up to open the door, and you moved to wipe away your tears.

"y/n was just telling me a story, myra,”

"hm," myra said, taking one look at your disheveled state. "must've been an awfully sad one,"

"oh my god, it was!" you squeaked in a mocking tone, dropping your mature attitude with the woman. "thanks for noticing, princess!"

myra looked utterly disgusted, but she walked away.

"it's getting dark out," you noted, pointing towards the deep midnight blue color of the sky outside eddie's window.

"yeah," he said, looking up. "where are you gonna sleep tonight?"

you hadn't thought of that. eddie was right, there was no way you were going to go back to the home you shared with that lying skank of a husband- at least not until it was absolutely necessary.

eddie, seeing that you didn't have an   answer, cut it again. "you can stay in your old room,"

you looked up at him. "it's still there?"

he smiled at you, putting his hand on top of yours. "the one room i wouldn't let myra touch when she remodeled."

"are you sure myra wouldn't have a problem with it?" you asked him, looking in the direction of the door.

"positive," he grinned at you, moving his hand off of yours to open the door. "some of the clothes you left behind might still be in there, too. though i don't know if you'd still be able to fit them,"

"hey!" you laughed, hitting him on the shoulder. "have i grown that much?"

"no!" he said, laughing too. "but come one, y/n we were twenty!"

"i'll show you!" you narrowed your eyes at him playfully, jumping up to run through the door.

eddie followed you as you ran through the living room, and started the staircase.

"going somewhere?" myra said from a chair.

the two of you stopped in your tracks, staring down at her.

"y/n wanted to see her old room," eddie smiled as his wife, gesturing up stairs. "collect some of the things she left behind."

"okay," the woman squinted at the two of you, giving you an especially rude stare.

you and eddie continued up the staircase, and into your bedroom.

you looked around in awe. "eddie... everything's exactly the same!"

he nodded, beaming at you. you walked over and opened your closet, to find all of your old clothes that you had deemed inappropriate for a married woman to wear.

"oh, this was my favorite shirt!" you pulled out a fuzzy sweater that had the words 'do i look like i give two fucks?' scrawled on the front, a drawing of a middle finger prominent in the middle of it all.

"i know," he laughed. "i had to convince you to take it off every day!"

"what?!" you grinned too, hugging the sweater close to your body. "it's warm!"

"it was fucking summer, y/n!"

"bah!" you yelled, hanging the sweater back up and collapsing onto your bed.

you stared around again, taking everything in. all your posters for everything you'd forgotten you'd loved. everything your husband had told you to forget about.

"ask myra if she would be fine with me staying here, just for tonight," you told eddie. "i know you said she would, but i don't want to intrude or anything,"

"you bought the house," eddie said offhandedly. "but, okay. i will."

he left your room closing the door behind you.

you had to know if it was still there. as soon as the door closed you sprang up, getting on your knees to look under your bed.

there sat a small wooden box, just where you'd put it the night you moved out.

your hands trembling, you reached out to grab it. you felt tears brimming in your eyes already. you held the box as you walked towards your dresser, opening the top drawer and retrieving the key you'd kept there.

you unlocked the box. inside, there was a small photograph: you were holding eddie's hand, and both of you had your arms raised up in triumph. the rest of your friends all stood around you, cheering, smiling and laughing.

that was the day you'd told the losers you'd saved enough money to get a house. they all called for a party.

that was the last time you'd seen them. the last time you'd all been truly happy together.

you shut the box and locked it again, trying not to break out into a sobbing fit again.

just as you were reimplacing the box, you heard something loud from down the stairs.

carefully, you slinked down the stairs, following eddie and myra's voices, which you could now hear clearly.

"myra, please," you heard eddie comforting the woman, who was wailing loudly.

"but eddie-bear!" she cried. "i don't want her here! this is my house too you know! she's been so mean to me ever since she came!"

"i'm sorry, darling," eddie said softly. the fact that he was taking her side in all of this infuriated you. it took all you had not to start yelling right then and there. "but y/n's husband cheated on her, she can't go home,"

myra sniffled loudly, in a way that could only be fake.

"she needs somewhere to stay," you heard eddie pleading.

you peeked over the side of the wall you were standing at, just long enough to see myra's entirely dry face as she continued to make crying sounds.

"just for tonight eddie-bear," she said. "then first thing in the morning she's gone,"

"i don't know about-"

"first thing!" she said, and you could hear footsteps coming in your direction.

you quickly hopped up the stairs, rushing back into your bedroom before anyone could catch you.

a moment later, eddie reappeared in your bedroom door. "she said yes!" he said excitedly, his eyes glowing.

 if he hadn't been your best friend, you would've tore him apart on the spot. "thanks, eddie," you said, standing up to hug him. "this means so so so much,"

 you pulled away and he smiled at you before closing your door.

 "oh, wait," he said, opening the door again. "the towels are in the same place, if you want to take a shower. i know you like doing it at night,"

 you nodded, thanking him as he walked back out. you couldn't believe he remembered. "good-night, eddie,"

 "good-night, y/n/n,"

 you did want to shower, actually, so you opened your closet searching for clothes to wear.

 as you surveyed everything you had left behind in your old room, you realized that it was all tour favorite clothes.

 everything you'd ever loved, your husband had pulled you away from.

 including eddie.

 it was then that you decided you wanted a divorce. during all of this, you'd been thinking of giving him a second chance, but now? that was out of the question. he hadn't even tried to call you when you left!

 you grabbed your sweater from earlier and a pair of sweatpants. your then-fiancè had convinced you that sweatpants were "in-elegant" and "not for my wife".

 you walked to the bathroom, with your clothes, and took a nice, hot shower. the burning water felt nice on your skin, and the towels eddie had bought since you were gone were so soft!

 you dressed yourself, then took your towel down to the laundry room. you walked back up to the bathroom, folding the clothes you had taken off and stashing them in your bag for the morning.

 you cleared your bed, laying down to go to sleep.

 the day had been so eventful, you thought, that there were only two ways your quest for sleep would end: you'd stay awake all night, thinking about what had happened, or you'd fall asleep instantly, tired out.

 your expectation had been the prior, but you were pleasantly surprised when reality turned towards the latter.

 you woke up the next morning, and were instantly reminded of why you weren't in your bed.

 "he doesn't deserve your tears, y/n," you mumbled to yourself. you got up to find something to wear, trying to push your husband out of your mind.

 you picked out a skirt, smiling to yourself as you remembered your first time (and last time) wearing it.

 you shot up it your bad, slamming the stop button on your alarm clock. you jumped up happily, grinning from ear to ear, and opened your closet.

you would finally get a chance to wear your new skirt!

you and your boyfriend were going out tonight, and you'd picked it especially for the occasion. you styled it with a red blouse and sneakers, letting your hair down loose.

you walked out of your room, bumping into eddie in the hallway. you elbowed him in the stomach. "hey dude," you grinned. "sleep well?"

"yeah," he smiled at you. "you look really nice. new skirt?" you beamed, nodding. "looks amazing."

you were off of work that day, so you lounged around the house for the hour or two you were waiting for your boyfriend to pick you up.

you were watching a reality tv show, and someone had just thrown a plate when your phone chimed.

"i'm here" the text from your boyfriend read. you grabbed your jacket, turned off the tv, and ran through the door.

"hey, babe," you yelled still grinning. he smiled at you from the front seat of his car.

"hey," his eyes traveled down to your skirt. "why are you wearing that? you look like a slut,"

you frowned when he said this, looking down. did you really? suddenly, you didn't feel so good about yourself anymore.

"you want me to go change really quick?"

"then we'll be late for the reservation. just tie your jacket around yourself and try not to let anyone see," you nodded, following his instructions before getting into the car with him.

you still remembered how much it had hurt you when he said that. you had picked the skirt out especially for him! needless to say, you never wore that skirt again.

until today that is.

as you jumped into the skirt, you felt a sense of confidence wash over you, just as it had the first day you'd worn it. you looked for the red blouse, but you couldn't find it. you must've taken it with you when you left 

you ended up pairing the skirt with a yellow t-shirt, and you'd been lucky enough to find the same sneakers.

you didn't exactly remember the context, but you were sure your husband had told you they were "raggedy" and "worn out". they were comfortable, though. and besides- you no longer cared what he thought.

fully dressed and feeling free, you stepped out of your old bedroom, to again, find eddie, just as you had the last time you had worn the skirt.

"hey! i remember that skirt," he said. you smiled at him, twirling around. "you only ever wore it once,"

"yeah," you said. "someone told me it looked bad,"

"i thought you were beautiful," he told you quietly, smiling softly. you looked up at him, the smile falling from your face. "and you still look great in it,"

now- in this circumstance, anyone else would've been flattered. and you were! you were... but you also felt sick. like you might throw up, right there.

you loved eddie.

and not in the best friend way; you loved all the losers like that. but right now, as you and eddie stood there in that hallway, smiling at each other, you loved him as something more.

you loved him like flowers love the spring rain that brings them to life. you loved him like a photograph loved the frame that held it secure.

and you wanted him to love you back.

that's why myra wants me to leave, you thought. it was all coming together now. myra had seen everything you had been to foolish to notice. you'd always loved eddie, and apparently it was painstakingly obvious to everyone but the two of you.

this entire time, you'd thought that myra's jealousy and hatred of you was all unwarranted, but now you understood.

"you okay, y/n/n?" eddie asked you, placing a hand on your shoulder. you composed yourself enough to smile at him and nod. had his eyes always held such depth?

"yeah," you managed. you cleared your throat. "i'm fine, eds,"

"okay," he smiled, taking the staircase.

you rushed back into your room. you had to find someone to house you, right then and there. no way were you spending another minute in the kaspbrak house.

you called everyone you could think of- work colleagues, friends from college, family members.

every single one of them turned you down.

by now, you were on the verge of a breakdown- all that was keeping you together was the tranquil still of your room, the sereneness of the silence that engulfed you.

immediately, as if a direct attempt to set you off, you heard a loud voice from downstairs.

it was undoubtedly myra and eddie fighting over your presence again. you stood up, throwing your phone into your bag. you'd sleep in your car if you had to, you decided. you weren't going to let yourself break their marriage any more than you already had.

you shoved what ever of your stuff you could fit in your purse, including the box you'd put your photo in.

you sighed as you looked around your room for one last time, before turning the lights off.

you walked down the staircase, holding your bag. eddie and myra were at the end of it, going at each other's throats.

"you- there she is! look, look at her! i want her gone, eddie-bear! gone! she's ruining our marriage!"

"i'm sorry for the pain i have caused you myra." you said, smiling at her. "i've found somewhere to stay, so i'm leaving,"

"wait!" eddie called for you as you walked towards the door. you stopped, spinning to face him. "y/n it's not your fault. i know you didn't ask for this. for any of this! and-"

"really, eddie?" myra sobbed, putting her head into her hands. "don't you care about my feelings? it's all her fault! no wonder her husband cheated on her," at this, you felt your cheeks redden as you tried your best to hold back the tears. "she ruined-"

"no, myra!" eddie was now facing his wife. "you ruined everything! you stressed me out, you put me on pills, and now you're driving my best friend away! i'm done, myra! i'm-"

you had snuck out of the door quietly, shutting it behind you. if myra and eddie continued to fight while you were gone, that was none of your business. but you would no longer be the cause of it.

you started towards your car, everything up in the air. you had no plan- you'd admittedly left in a bit of a rush. you had nowhere to go, barely any money, and no food. all you could do was hope for the best.

[quileutedeity]

are you dumb? | q.a

summary: claire loves pocahontas, and it turns out quil might have a thing for her, too.  pairing: quil ateara x anastasia connor (OC) (I’m really shitty at reader inserts and absolutely hate writing ‘y/n’ so yes, there’s an oc for this lil one-shot. Pls love her, shes a soft bean.) a/n: unedited, roughly 3k. circa 2010, making claire 7 and quil 21 :) if you dig this, maybe consider sharing or dropping a comment! hope ya’ll enjoy! 

For a child, Disneyland is easily the happiest place on earth. It was truly exhilarating to see your favourite Disney characters come to life, to be able to interact with them, to experience their splendor. There were eight kingdoms inside the park, each revolving around a given slice of Disneyana. Fantasyland was obvious -- that one was for fairy tales, princes and princesses. Tomorrowland launches you into a more futuristic theme. New Orleans Square provides a more sophisticated feel, resembling that of the French Quarter, whereas popping over to Toon Town felt like you were stepping straight into a cartoon. 

A family trip for five ultimately turned into pack gathering of ten. Emily was more than excited to bring her nieces to the magic kingdom, but falling into her third trimester three weeks prior to when their flight was to leave, she was saddened to say she wouldn’t be able to go. Naturally, Samuel gave no second thought to staying home with his wife, and so five turned into three, leaving Quil scrambling at the last minute to find someone to supervise two eight year olds with him. He couldn’t handle Claire and her sister alone, not with the pair of them constantly going out of their way to have his heart fall out of his ass. 

They were little monsters.

Four days shy from departure, Quil had wrangled in each and every pack member with some bout of luck. Jacob had been the easiest; Renesmee had yet to leave the comfort of Washington, and Bella was more than willing to allow Jake to take her child out of the state for a week of adult-supervised fun. Truthfully, Quil knew that she complained to Jacob all the time about needing some quality time with Edward. Jacob never really thought much of it, given that they shared at least twelve hours a day to themselves. 

When Kim caught wind of the trip, she all but begged Jared to go. Not wanting to endure six days alone with his girlfriend, two brothers and their tag-along ‘children’, he managed to convince Embry and Paul to come, too. Surely they could make the most of the trip with a little harmless betting. 

And by then, it seemed pointless for the leftovers to even bother trying to evade the question. Seth nearly jumped up and down, unable to contain his excitement. Not much else was expected from the twenty year old, and Leah only came along because Seth promised to buy her mouse ears. None of them had ever stepped foot outside Washington themselves, not outside of their wolf forms, so they decided to view it as a family bonding experience. 

Sometime a week later, Quil sunk himself deeper in the hoard of blankets that covered the entirety of his bed, unwilling to move from the plush comfort of the mattress. Their flight had been tiring and long, and his abnormally large frame was not designed for the seats provided in economy. No one was willing to argue about sleeping arrangements when they landed and made it to the hotel, and so everyone had been divided.

Claire, her sister and Renesmee were roomed with Leah and Kim; Jared hadn’t been thrilled about spending an entire week sharing a room with Paul, given that he snored and would be the culprit behind a messy bathroom, but at least Seth would be able to provide some comedic relief. This left Quil with Embry and Jacob -- both of whom had been awake for over an hour, and were tired of waiting on their third party to rise. 

Frustrated and impatient, Jacob glanced over to the shared bathroom, and then the arrangement of glasses that were brought up during housekeeping. They definitely didn’t hold enough water in one, but with two he was certain he would have his friend up in no time. 

“What are you doing?” Inquired Embry when Jake stood from his seat and padded past him; he was playing online poker, attention otherwise distracted whilst he waited for Quil to rise. 

“Waking him up,” Jacob grunted, swiping two cups from the silver platter to fill with cold water from the bathroom faucet. He’s too damn lazy for his own good, Jacob thought. 

Embry was yanked from his trance as a loud, high pitched screeching suddenly filled the confinements of their room. His earthy hues cut to Jake, who stood over their friend with a fuming expression. 

“Dude, what the fuck!” Quil brought his voice down a few octaves, hand immediately moving to pinch his nose and squeeze his eyes shut. The bitterness of the water hadn’t been necessary, truthfully a simple smack to the forehead would’ve been enough. Five more minutes, please, just five more minutes --- 

“Get up.” 

His exhaustion began to trickle away from the edges of his foggy mind, slowly allowing him to gain more consciousness and awareness to his surroundings. “You’re worse than Claire.” 

“Get up.”

There it was. That goddamn birthright. That stupid frequency to his tone that was unwavering, and final. It wasn’t that it dropped, or picked up more bass -- it was completely undetectable to the human ear, but both Embry and Quil flinched under its preeminence. There was no use in trying to fight it.

So Quil begrudgingly abandoned his sheets, shouldering past Jacob to pluck his towel off the back of a chair before retreating into the bathroom. 

The whine of the water racing through the pipes broke the momentary silence. Jacob exhaled in defeat, collapsing backwards into his own bed with a hand threaded into his hair. He tried not to do that. He really did, but whenever his emotions elevated, it was hard to keep it at bay. 

Twenty-five minutes later, the boys are dressed and pulling shoes on when a trio of fists slam into the other side of their door, pounding incessantly until Embry finally yanked it open. He revealed Claire and her sister, wide eyed and bushy tailed, in front of an equally excited Renesmee. 

He let them run past him into the room, all three jumping onto the separate beds each of the boys occupied during the night, effectively ruining the sheets Jacob had just made. 

“Where’s …” Embry trailed off, divot between his brows deepened as he took a step forward to peer into the hall; Leah and Kim were slowly making their way towards the open door, sporting tired eyes and coffee trays in hand. “You look rough.” 

“Bite me,” barked Leah, shoving past his wide frame. 

Kim, albeit sleepy and still falling over, offered him a warm smile and held up her tray, “Black. Just how you like it.” 

None of their coffee orders changed over the years -- except Paul, who had come to the conclusion that caffeine fed his emotions negatively, and as a result ended up switching to tea, instead.

Embry took his coffee from the lot, dipping to press a swift kiss to the top of her head. “You’re the best,” he cheered, lifting the beverage to his nose. Yeah. Coffee was definitely what they needed to start their day. 

“Has anyone heard from Jared?” Kim wondered, handing Quil and Jacob their respective drinks. “I tried knocking on the room an hour ago, no one answered.” 

Jacob shook his head; typically, he wouldn’t have reason to worry, but they were in unfamiliar territory, and none of them knew what to expect. Quil slurped down his mocha, watching the gears in his best friend's head turn. He knew that look all too well.

“They’re fine, Jake,” he tried, but it was a futile effort. 

His words were dismissed quickly before Jacob launched himself away from the window and towards the beds, shoulders tight with stress. “One of you are gonna end up hurting yourself, and then you can’t go on any of the rides.” 

“Oh, c’mon!” Nessie whined, halting her movement entirely. “We’re supposed to be having fun.” 

“Fun is in the park,” he reminded her, helping Claire’s sister, Cicily, down from the bed. 

Claire hopped down, placing herself in front of Quil with an expectant look. “Quil.” Tiny hands moved to rest on her hips; she resembled Emily for a fleeting moment. “I want to go now. Please.” 

At least she used her manners. 

Claire was determined to visit all eight kingdoms. Originally, she didn’t have a preference on where in the park they started, but by the time lunch hour rolled around and they’d finally stopped for some ice cream, she was all but demanding they head over to Fantasyland next. 

“Should we go back to check on the boys?” Kim called from somewhere behind the boys, kids perched on their shoulders as they carried them from Toon Town. “It’s been a couple hours, Jared hasn’t texted me yet.” Her concern was warranted; Jacob was fussing over their absence, too. 

Quil looked sideways at Leah, who was quietly walking alongside him, licking her vanilla swirl cone. Apart from himself, she was the only one who hadn’t complained about the lack of rowdy and energy present -- he wondered if she was enjoying time away from Seth. This was a vacation of sorts, after all. 

“They’ll catch up when they’re rea -- ow!” growled Quil, wincing as Claire’s fingers yanked hard on a fistful of hair. “Ease up, Clairebear!” 

“Look!” She pointed to the general vicinity in front of them; there were hundreds of people, several rides and a handful of buildings -- what exactly was he supposed to be looking at? Quil didn’t even know. “Pocahontas!” 

And before Quil could even reach up to help, she was attempting to crawl her way down the length of his towering frame to the safety of the ground. He could practically feel her excitement radiating off her in waves. 

The Native princess was one that Claire was particularly fond of, and Quil speculated that was because she was the only princess who looked remotely close to his imprint and her sister. Just this past Halloween, she made a big fuss about going out with a one-armed dress and a blue necklace. Quil helped her pick the material, but had to get Jacob to weave it into a necklace and attach the pendant Quil found. His fingers were just too beefy to work with the string, and Jake had always been dexterous. 

Claire ran out towards the crowd, sending Quil into an immediate bout of panic as he tried to race after her, momentarily losing her bobbing head in the sea of children and parents. 

“Wow!” 

He narrowed his eyes in on where Claire’s voice came from, landing eyes on her as she stood next to the young woman dressed up; her dress was tailored to fit her frame perfectly, almost like a second glove, looking like a real life replica of the princess he watched at least once a day for nearly a year. Her necklace, however, definitely wasn’t handmade. 

The shifter waited nearby whilst she went on her thrilled tirade, bubbly voice drowning out the rest of the kids that stood close by and watched her in slight amazement. Sure, other little girls and boys were over the moon when they came across their favourite Disney character, but Claire? 

Claire damn near fell over. 

With tears in her eyes, she grabbed onto the woman’s hand and squeezed tightly. The cast member dropped down to her level, using her thumb to gently wipe the child's cheek, and then offered a dazzling smile. 

“Woah, hey,” Quil stepped in with a nervous laugh, uneasy about how his imprint had gone into a full blown cry. “Whatsa matter, Clairebear?”

“I-I’m … just s-so … happy!” She managed between hiccups, swiping the back of her hand over her eyes to clear them -- a useless effort, the tears continued to fall. “You’re the prettiest princess I’ve ever seen!” 

Pocahontas, or .. rather the woman playing her, was definitely taken off guard by the young girls passion. Truthfully, she picked this particular character due to her own personal ties to her own Native history. The longer she listened to Claire cry, the more aware she became that the child in front of her resembled much of herself as she grew up; suddenly, she understood her overwhelming emotions and dove into consoling her. 

“Hey, now,” Ana was always good with kids. There was something about her that made them feel welcome, and safe. It was why she fought so hard to become a cast member to pay her way through school. Becoming an early childhood educator was a dream, one she was two years away from achieving. Ana gripped tightly onto the girls hand, touching her chin tenderly. “I’m so happy!” 

“W-Why?” 

Ana giggled, only aware of the man towering over them from the outline of his shadow, and continued, “Because you’re here, silly! Today’s the most special day!” 

Claire’s large brown orbs gazed up at Ana for two heartbeats before her lips broke out into a wide smile. This kept the tears at bay for now. 

“I’m sorry about this,” Quil huffed in a forced laugh, meeting the cast members eyes for the first time. Hazel, the green more vibrant with the sun shining in them, soft and kind. Taken off guard, he stumbled over his next words, “She’s uh … not usually this … emotional. You have really nice eyes.” He just had to get it out there.

Ana blinked, surveying his frame for any sign of insincerity prior to a light dust of colour rushing to her cheeks. “Thank you. And don't worry about it, I’ve had some kids throw up on me.” 

His brows disappeared into his hairline, lip pulling upwards in the corner trying to imagine the pretty woman in front of him covered in chunks; definitely not the most appealing thought, or sight, but her indifference was slightly humorous to him.  

“People just love you that much, huh?” 

Playing along, she nodded matter-of-factly, “Yes, sir, they do.” 

Claire, whilst only eight and naive, could see the way her princess swayed and leaned towards Quil; was she thrilled the attention had moved from her? No. But, Claire asked Quil all the time if he had a girlfriend, even pointed out pretty girls when they drove to the beach and asked if he thought they were pretty, too. Of course, he said yes to the majority, most of the time to appease her, but there was some truth behind it. 

He’s had a handful over the last few years, though none ever seemed to last. Or want to, rather. Not being able to pull them into his real life was what hindered them the most. Most girls hated how withdrawn he could be, disliked his secrecy, some couldn’t stand his brothers -- one had even pointed out that he was more willing and eager to spend time with Claire, over themselves. 

Guilty. 

Spending time with Claire was pretty much all he did. With her in school now, they did see each other less; it didn’t bother him if he went a couple days with only a phone call. He mostly wanted to check in and make sure his favourite human bean was happy, and seldom ever turned down an opportunity to see her. 

So, he babysat. A lot. And after a lot of discussion and consideration, Claire was encouraged to refer to Quil and his brothers as her ‘uncles’. It came naturally, which was no surprise to everyone. 

Embry did ask if the imprint bond made things hard. Quil admitted that he wished every day he had imprinted on someone his own age like the rest, but now could not see his life without Claire present. With or without the bond, she was easily one of the coolest kids he’d ever met. She only recently learned how to ride her bike, and Quil was already excited to teach her how to drive. 

The conversation progressed quickly; they shared tid-bits between each other, basics. She did snicker at his name, something he usually would’ve given her grief for but he decided that the way it rolled off her tongue made up for it. The pair didn’t realize the group had moved on, though Ana was suddenly very aware of the lingering eyes that waited patiently until she was finished. 

“I’m done at seven,” she started, taking a step back to pull herself from his bubble, “And I’m gonna eat my bodyweight in soft serve. You wanna join me?” 

Definitely. The shifter nodded quickly, pulling his phone out from his rear pocket to create a new contact; he took her number, promising to message her sometime after she was finished -- he wasn’t sure if the others would be upset with him, but if all else failed, he knew Embry would supervise Claire for him in his absence. 

Claire was the one who might have the biggest problem, but it was a surprise when her eyes lit up and she clapped excitedly. 

“You’re going to see the princess again?” 

Quil wanted to laugh, but nodded instead. “I want to. If that’s cool with you? I can come back and stay for the movie night --” 

“No!” Claire yelled quickly, abruptly cutting him off. “You have to go.” 

He thought about her kind smile and patient eyes, two features he never would have paid mind to as a teen. But as he entered adulthood, Quil found himself appreciating little things he typically never did. 

“I have to?” 

“She’s a princess, are you dumb?”

[keelywolfe]

FIC: Bitter Grounds (baon)

Summary: Sans wasn't asking for much, just a cup of coffee with Edge. And maybe the answers to all the problems in his life, if Edge could give him that, that'd be great, thanks.

Tags: Spicyhoney, Kustard, Established Relationship, Angst

Notes: 

Part of the ‘by any other name’ series.

~~*~~

Read it on AO3

or

Read it here!

~~*~~

Of all the things Sans planned out for his day, sitting in a kitchen watching Edge make coffee wasn’t one of ‘em. That meant going through the whole matinee show, not like the Edgelord was going to settle for some Folgers crystals, was it. Oh, no, he had to grind the beans before pouring them into basket, filter some water and pour it in to brew. Set out cream and sugar like he didn’t already know they both took their coffee black, just in case Sans grew a sweet tooth on his way over.

Edge had a thing about appearances, and far be it for Sans to be pissy about it. It was his party, Edge could make coffee how he wanted.

But the wait left Sans sitting at the table, trying not to fidget too blatantly. Wasn’t like he hadn’t asked for this, anyway, because he had, and directly at that. Bald-faced told Edge he wanted to talk, and he was only a little surprised that Edge readily agreed. Not that he had a problem with Edge, nah, not anymore. Took him a little while to get to there, that he could admit, but not as bad as Stretch’d been at the beginning. Judging Edge off one glance at his LV and there were times Sans idly wondered how things might’ve been different if that hadn’t been the case.

Not that he ever wanted a chance for a do-over, thanks. The very thought made him shudder, fuck, he didn’t even want to speculate and tempt the fates. Buckle that idea down, drop it in the mental void, and move on.

Sans’s only real issue with Edge was the whole ‘looking through a darkened mirror’ angle, seeing his bro the way he could’ve been in a not-too-different time and place; who knew what butterfly effect sent Underfell teetering the way it did, which step down what path left so much dust in its wake. Red was easier in a lot of ways, mostly because Sans could see himself a little too easily there. Assholes were easy to deal with when you were one.

But a version of Paps with LV, that’d been a struggle.

It was easier these days. There were still little bits of resemblance, sure, but a few months Aboveground and all of ‘em grew in different directions. Nature and nurture, Sans guessed, they were all plenty different underneath the thin veneer of similarity.

The smell of the coffee intruded, and Sans took the interruption gratefully, accepting the plain mug Edge handed him. His own mug said, ‘I love you a latte’, and Sans didn’t need two guesses to know who gave him that one.

A plate of cookies joined the mug, proper biscotti, la-te-da. Sans took one, using it as a crispy spoon to stir the dark liquid. “so, your bro—"

“No,” Edge calmly interrupted him. He took a sip of his coffee, holding the mug in both gloved hands. “Absolutely not. I don’t suffer from my brother’s twisted Cupid sensibilities. If you want him, you’re on your own.”

Oh. Well, that was fucking helpful wasn’t it. Sans dunked his cookie into his cup again a little too hard and it broke off, sinking into the murky depths. Trying to fish it out only turned it to mushy crumbs that weren’t worth eating or drinking, or whatever combination of the two might work.

Seemed like a metaphor for something and Sans didn’t want to guess at what. Sans sighed and shoved the mug aside. “okay, then. thanks anyway, edgelord, i’ll see you around.”

Before he could dredge up enough magic to shortcut the hell out of there, Edge said his name with quiet intensity, and how fucked up must it be for the others, to call someone else by their brother’s name? “Sans, I would give a great deal to see my brother happy. More than I can properly explain. But I can’t give you any advice about him. There’s nothing I could tell you that you don’t already know, one way or another. Out of all of us, you and Red are the most similar.”

Sans was always smiling, couldn’t exactly help it; he was born with it, Maybelline. But the bitterness the curled the edges of it was entirely a bonus. “yeah, and i know exactly what kind of fuck up i am.”

But Edge sent him off kilter again, pinballing in another direction by saying, “Actually, I was thinking that if there was anyone I would choose for my brother, it would be you.”

Sans didn’t realize he was gaping until Edge reached out and firmly tapped his chin, closing his mouth with a click.

The Papyrus-types had it a little easier with the facial expressions, and Edge’s mouth twisted into a wry smirk, “Being a fuck up is probably a prerequisite before trying a relationship of any sort with my brother.”

Yeah, that could get packaged up for preaching on Sundays. Sans looked into the cookie/coffee soup in his mug, but there wasn’t much point. None of the answers he was looking for were gonna be in there, either.

i don’t know what i’m doing. i’m gonna fuck this up, gonna make everything worse. i want him so fucking much that sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and i can’t breathe because i think i’m alone and i can only start again when i reach out and find him. my soul aches without him, and i can’t tell him any of this shit because he’ll run, i know he’ll run, end up in a truck stop in kansas, drinking shitty coffee and hiding from the world, because once upon a time i’d do the same fucking thing

It was kinda a relief that none of those tangled thoughts managed to unwind enough to work their way out of his stupid mouth. He’d turned off all the listening devices in the kitchen and had a handy jammer tucked in his pocket, but Sans knew better than to ever assume that Red wasn’t listening at all times. Probably another sign of how fucked up Sans was, because he was almost fond of the idea, Red as this ever-presence, making sure they were all safe and sound, and not hiding any troublesome shit from him. Like they all didn’t have twisted ways of showing they cared?

Good thing Red hadn’t found a way yet to read minds, but Sans wouldn’t doubt it was somewhere on his list.

Edge was watching him with crimson eye lights that were so like his brother’s, sipping his coffee and waiting for Sans to gather up enough of his wits to not sound like a complete fool. Half a fool was probably the best he could do.

“thanks,” Sans managed, finally. Came out a little throaty and wrong, and let the Edgelord make what he would of that. For now, Sans only reached out to pat Edge’s gloved hand right in time for the footsteps he heard in the living room to make their way into the kitchen, the door swinging open as Stretch stepped in.

He scowled almost immediately, glaring down at where their hands were curled together before asking with mock anger, “what the fuck are you two doing in here?”

“having some hot coffee,” Sans said with as much smarm as he could, stroking the back of Edge’s hand with his fingertips while he crammed in the innuendo until it was practically spilling out on the spotlessly clean floor. Well worth it to see Stretch puff up like a poison frog, honestly fucking hilarious because they all damn well knew that Edge’s star was tied to Stretch’s pretty little wagon. Sans could’ve done a strip tease and a lapdance and Edge would’ve stayed cool enough to spit out a pat of butter.

Meanwhile, Stretch’s eye lights were bleeding into orange to showcase some real temper and it wasn’t Edge he was looking at. Wasn’t that flattering, gee willy whiz, if he’d know he was being cast as a sexpot this afternoon, Sans would have worn his fancy shorts.

It was Edge who short-circuited the incoming temper tantrum, hooking his foot behind Stretch’s knees and sending him tumbling into his lap. He held him firmly when Stretch would’ve squirmed away, both arms around him until he settled in sullenly, still glaring at Sans.

“Down, boy,” Edge said dryly. He seemed pretty damn amused by the whole thing; maybe it was the Underfell part of him that liked it when his honey got possessive, liked Stretch playing greedy-guts over him. Sans could only hope. “We were only talking about my brother.”

That deflated him, Stretch sagging back into Edge’s firm hold. “oh.”

“oh?” Sans mimicked, shaking his head sadly. “that it? no ‘i am terribly sorry, sans, for ever questioning your intentions. you are truly a skeleton of honor and would never betray the bonds of family.’”

“fuck off and keep your hands off my husband,” Stretch said, sweetly, and Sans snickered.

“yeah, yeah, he’s all yours,” Sans hopped out of his seat, giving his coccyx a good scratch, partly because it itched and partly so Edge would huff at his manners. But he really did need to leave, right now, because he was good with Stretch and Edge together, of fucking course he was; those two belonged together, peanut butter and chocolate, shoes and socks, the thigh bone connected to the hip bone, aluminum foil and leftovers. Whatever fucking metaphor felt like joining in to play.

He was good with it, perfectly fine with Stretch’s cute, insincere jealousy, but his own was burning, sitting uneasily inside him because they got to have this. They got to play at petulance, and he could guess what was gonna happen the moment he shortcutted out, what words they’d whisper to each other in their bed before falling asleep in each other’s arms.

Meanwhile, he’ll go back to Red’s and they can both pretend he was never here today. He’ll take whatever scraps Red can offer him, clinging stubbornly to every lick of affection whether it’s fucking or food, puns or snark, and anything in between, telling himself it’s better than nothing while he argues silently with a damn cat over which one of them has possession of Red’s lap tonight.

It wasn’t enough, never was, but it was what he got, and he loved Red enough to take it. So yeah, that was all, wasn’t it, but he still needed to leave. Right now.

Sans offering a lazy little wave and took a shortcut, letting his smile that never faded show him out. It was okay, it really was, and maybe he didn’t have any new answers, but he hadn’t lost anything, either. Sometimes that was the best you could do.

His shortcut only took him as far as the sidewalk, but he didn’t try for another. The streets were empty, not a car or a kid in sight. Nightfall came earlier these days and it was already getting cold again, the wind blowing icy fingers through the thin protection of his hoodie. Sans only tucked his hands into his pockets and started on the long walk over to Red’s house. He could use the time to get his head on straight, because trying to do anything with Red without having your ducks in a row was a good way to get your ass handed to you, and Sans wasn’t in the mood for it.

For now, at least, everything was hanging out in the status quo. Sans’d fuck it all up eventually, that was a given, but it wasn’t gonna be tonight.

-finis-

[toonstarterz]

BECAUSE I’M NOT POPULAR, I’LL READ WATAMOTE: CHAPTER #163

Ah, summer. The season of no school, bright skies, pools, barbeques, and brief teenage romance.

Okay, so it’s not quite summer vacation yet. But nonetheless, the new season gives way for all sorts of fun shenanigans. None of it ever really enters “drama” territory (as dramatic as this series can be, that is), but as Tomoko’s last year of high school nears the halfway point, we discover that there’s still quite a bit we don’t know about our cast of knuckleheads.  

Chapter 163: Because I’m Not Popular, It’s Summer

I think it can be inferred that Tomoko is not a morning person, is she?

I think it can also be inferred that the once-aspiring NEET Tomoko is not a fan of hot weather. Better soak up that Vitamin D, girl.

Parasol Lady Asuka would like to battle!

Are parasols more prominent in Eastern culture? They’re not too terribly common where I’m from, but I imagine that may be a result of Japan having more of an aversion towards anything that would result in darker skin. Though I can also see it as a sort of fashion opportunity as well.

I believe those were umbrellas you used, Tomoko. But semantics aside, It’s pretty neat to see that Tomoko has finally reached that stage in her life where she can recognize her cringy chuunibyou phase. Long live those days of failing miserably at being a cool anime character.

Remember when Tomoko used to slut-shame the girls in her class? I detect a hint of hypocrisy there...

Gyaru!Asuka has already exploded on the imageboards, I guarantee it.

A part of me wonders why Tomoko grouped Kii-chan and Yuri specifically. They don’t have similar personalities or anything, but I see two possible reasons for it. One, Kii-chan and Yuri both got that mild-mannered, “exotic” look going on. But also, it may who Tomoko subconsciously believes she’ll see the most of over the summer.

We’ll, I mean...yeah. They would. It probably doesn’t help that Tomoko, with her lion’s mane, gives the impression of someone too physically active to care much about grooming. But as much as Tomoko derides the possibility of looking like a “sweaty day laborer”, I can’t deny that it’s not a bad look on her.  

The reason for that should be dead obvious by now.

The thing that amuses me is that Tomoko had no basis to start insinuating that Yuri’s a pervert. She just did, and has latched on to the idea ever since. While no doubt annoying for Yuri (even if it’s true), it’s kind of sweet if you see it as Tomoko wanting to have a shared interest with her.

I’m sure that compared to your freckled, “crazy lesbo” best friend, it isn’t. 

It’s funny how Nemo used to give off an air of someone who’s sexually acknowledgeable (at least to me) by virtue of being semi-popular. Now that we know’s she’s relatively pure, Tomoko will never let her live it down.  

Komiyama really is the most two-dimensional character in the series. And you know what?

It works.

In the education industry, we call it the “Perv Curve”.

Komiyama: Self-explanatory.

Hatsushiba: Anatomically-correct BDSM art must have originated from somewhere.

Katou: Yet even more evidence for the almost-openly perverted girl who casually says “vagina”.

Mako: ...wait, what?  

I’m so used to perfect scores being a badge of honor in Japanese media that it through me for a loop to see it suggested as anything else. Perhaps it’s an issue similar to Home Ec in that it’s not seen as educationally significant and only those really invested in the subject would master it. Either way, how lewd. 

Going back to Mako, I am genuinely shocked. Could Yuri’s oh-so-sweet bestie actually have a dirty side? Just when you think you know a gal! Naturally, she has just enough to shame to be embarrassed when its brought up, and I’m not ready to call out Mako as a pervert just yet. At least she has Yoshida to pat her on the back (ironic given the delinquent is now officially the purest one of the Kyoto Group).  

My Pokémon-obsessed mind can only see them as the Haramaku Elite Four, which, given the segment’s title, is highly unoriginal of me.

I’m 97% sure that Kawagoe’s that old geezer teacher we saw during Tomoko’s suspension. We even got that “strict about textbooks” continuity from way back when Tomoko forgot hers. 

All signs point to Minami’s-Faceless-“Friend”-#1 recognizing someone, most likely Yuri, during this little intersection. Curse you, Nico Tanigawa and your wonderful vagueness.

Nope. It’s not gonna work. Nuh-uh. Absolutely not. You aren’t going to make me feel sympathetic for Minami.

...

...

drat.

All that speculation has finally paid off cause we now have confirmation that Minami did(does?) in fact backbite Tomoko and Yuri. Thank goodness for Tomoko’s mental health that she never knew. But Minami’s got some nerve teasing Yuri when she’s actively Mako’s friend. Even more disturbing if Mako doesn’t realize it...

Between that tiny smile in the last panel and her wanting to tease, it’s pretty much certain that Minami’s-Faceless-“Friend”-#1 is not a pleasant person.

Birds of the same feather truly do flock together.

Okay, I cracked. Minami’s too adorable (and pitiful) right here.

I find it telling that even Minami’s “friends” know she’s a jerk. But if what goes around comes around, then Minami’s-Faceless-“Friend”-#1 might not realize she’s a jerk, too. Are most terrible people aware of their own terribleness? 

I don’t want to correlate jerkiness with irresponsibility but...here we are.

Man, that’s playing dirty. Suzuki is more than likely not that close to Minami, but any decent person wouldn’t just outright say “no” to a request like that. Of course, playing up her own supposed likeability through other’s basic kindness is Minami’s M.O.     

In manga and anime, that sort of haughtiness from cute, snaggletoothed girls is adorable in that “sigh, there she goes again” way.

In reality, it’s just annoying as shit. 

At first glance, Kayo’s just making an off-handed question, but my nit-picking mind says otherwise. I’m not sure how insistently heterosexual/romantic Japanese culture is towards male-female relationships, but would most teens show interest in a friend’s opposite gendered sibling? If say, Miyazaki had a little brother, would Kayo even ask Ucchi a question like that?

My theory is that Kayo is subtly trying to ascertain Ucchi’s sexuality. If the idea of Ucchi being gay for Tomoko is already planted in her head, then Kayo is using Tomoki as a “male version” for comparison. Ucchi’s already admitted to the Kuroki siblings being physically similar, so supposedly if she feels nothing towards Tomoki, then it’s Tomoko’s “femaleness” that attracts her.

This wouldn’t even be half as funny if Ucchi didn’t have an emoji face.

If only Komiyama could see this now...

Or, you know what? Maybe gender is irrelevant and Ucchi just has an indiscriminate gross fetish. 

Nemo’s ultra-realistic thoughts behind her cheery demeanor are always welcome.

For all those times that Tomoko pokes fun at Nemo for wanting to live out a slice-of-life school anime, she’s not exactly innocent either. More and more we see Tomoko trying to invoke those cliche moments, usually with little fear. It’s a rather far cry from when she’d try to pull anime tropes as a means to an end. Now she tries them out just for the sake of having fun, which is much more endearing.

In this particular trope, however, normally you’d have a guy and girl stuck inside, where they’d ultimately become more attracted to each other through the suspension bridge effect.

Of course, that’s assuming the boy and girl aren’t already together. If they are, then storage rooms are usually used as a hiding place to make out, but that obviously would never hap–

Oh.

FUCK.

If memory serves, this is the same couple who were flirting(?) back in the head patting chapter. A whole lot must of went down since then, eh?

Murphy’s Law.

It’s been quite a long time since we’ve had one of Tomoko’s infamous freakouts. And they say this series lost its roots.

A part of me wants to think that Nemo hears Tomoko but is pretending not to just to screw with her, but I don’t think she’d be that cruel. Even if it would be hilarious.

Just how far is your “it”, Tomoko. Making out? Groping? HANDHOLDING!?

What am I saying–she’s totally thinking sex.

It’s interesting to note that Tomoko just assumes that Yuri and Mako have never had a boyfriend. Sure, it may be implied given we’ve never seen them have this discussion before (that we know of), but it’s still pretty presumptuous on Tomoko’s part. My only reasoning is that Tomoko is trying to ally themselves over supposed “undesirability” like many self-deprecating friends do.

First off, I am not at all surprised given Mako’s personality.

What does surprise me is how totally betrayed Mako sounds. I can only assume that it’s a part of Mako’s past that she’d rather not reveal. While I don’t think Yuri meant any harm bringing it up, that kind of miscommunication goes to show that even though they’re best friends, Yuri and Mako don’t always see eye to eye.

Sounds like dating to me. Or rather, sounds like dating between high schoolers. At the risk of sounding like an old-ass millennial, dating between high schoolers rarely last, despite what shoujo manga suggests. Casual dating is exactly that–casual. They’re attracted to the novelty of dating, but once that initial thrill wears off, cue the breakup. 

Side note, I just realized that Yuri loosens up her tie. I love small details like that.

Perhaps I’m reading too much into it, but Mako seems to be suggesting that girls, on the other hand, aren’t as desperate to get boyfriends. While that isn’t necessarily true, I do see that answer as mostly a convenient excuse for Mako, who may simply just not want to be in a relationship right now.

I can see the “Mako is straight/Mako is lesbian(for Yoshida)” War right now...   

Boy, it’s been a while since Tomoko has contemplated her own popularity, let alone try to be more popular. I guess it goes to show that even though Tomoko is more or less satisfied with her current status, she still sees herself below the bar of what constitutes “popular”. She does perpetuate feminine “purity” as an indicator of her societal value, but I’ll let it be–reality is not so kind, after all. 

One of the more prominent questions that Yuri’s fanboys have is “How come someone as pretty as Yuri isn’t more popular with the boys?”

Well, there you go.

In terms of looks, I never thought Yuri was that unattractive in-universe. She’s in that small niche of “plain and generic, but just cute enough that fans feel they could feasibly ask out a girl like her in real life”. So while it's reasonable to think that at least one person would show interest in her, it's Yuri’s personality that ends up putting them off. She probably isn’t ready to commit to the effort of dating and being someone’s girlfriend. nor does Yuri seem that interested to begin with if her texting habits are anything to go by.

I can’t for the life of me remember the name for it, but I believe that there’s this belief in Japan that says everybody (mostly boys) has that brief period in their life where they’re suddenly attractive and people want to date them. I imagine that Tomoko may actually reach that time in life sooner than she thinks.

PTSD TRIGGERED!! For the readers, I mean.

For real, though. What a comeback. Who would have thought that Kosaka, that guy who was introduced in Chapter FIVE would make his grand return? Normally, making a reappearance this late in the game would feel like an asspull, but it works because he was never meant to drastically affect Tomoko’s growth. He was just the spark, the first hint to show that people could actually befriend her. And for that, we salute you, Umbrella Dude.

It’s been, what? About two years since they last spoke, and he still remembers her? Impressive! Then again, I don’t think you're about to forget the girl who gave you a dogeza.

Because I’m Not Popular, I’ll Tell Lies.

These moments where Tomoko is unabashedly a blushing schoolgirl are really precious because she isn’t “perfectly ditzy in that moe sort of way” about it. She gets riled up, sweaty, and unpleasant to watch. Which, ironically, is even more adorable just for how genuine it is.

Yeah, I’m sure the original said “dogeza”, but since there isn’t really a good English equivalent for it, I think “genuflect”...is still an odd choice.

Yuri, who always has her “Tomoko’s BS” meter on high, knows that Tomoko is screwing around when she calls it her “first”. Poor Mako, a now confirmed pervert who still thinks Tomoko is so amazing, thought the girl had popped the guy’s cherry. 

Friendly reminder that eventful summers are not necessarily pleasant summers. Though they could be with the right perspective...

So...Yuri vs. Kii-chan Death Battle when?

The most beautiful part about this ending is that there’s no second-guessing. No “maybe I won’t be lonely” or “I wonder if I’ll be lonely”. Just a very affirmative “I won’t be lonely”. Tomoko fully expects that she’ll be spending time with her friends this summer, and that confidence is more than I ever would’ve expected from Tomoko in previous years.

With summer vacation just over the horizon (don’t want to jump the gun), a medley of both happy, unhappy and delightfully awkward moments are sure to transpire. Just about the only thing Tomoko can plan is the unplanned, and I’ll be sure to get a front-row seat to watch it all.