#i’m so glad it’s the weekend and i don’t have work tomorrow bc they would’ve locked me up in the psych ward instantly

[joenns]

just finished reading fourth wing

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Oh wow, you two have been friends for a long time then! I know what's that like, I've known my best friend who lives in Spain since we were 8! Definitely awesome to have someone like that in your life. Are you still going to be roommates when the baby comes? And that was really thoughtful of your ex making sure you didn't travel alone.

Canada is really cold tho, so if you're okay with that you should def move there! Ah well, I'm doing better now so that's what matters, all the horrible worries I had when I lived back home are gone atm.

Yeah, that's the spirit! you can do all US states even if it takes you 43 years, that's plenty of time! hahaha And your welcome, it's one of my favourite fics.

Your mind is great, don't worry. At least something good came out of it haha.

Oh so people make her a pisces then, I see. I've met a pisces who was kinda like Dani once so that's why I said she has that kind of energy, but she def has fire on her chart too. And yeah I can see some virgo traits in her, but she's very sensitive and a bit naive so I guess pisces makes more sense.

I had to look up what a badger was hahaha never heard of them before.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Sounds scary. And you still have to take medication bc of it. The threat of catching covid must've made that 10x worse too. And I can only hope to learn from my mistakes at the very least.

People who made thobm are fucking savages tbh hahaha. 😂 Kinda wish they had cast Oliver as Jamie like they originally intended but then we wouldn't have our damie... don't know what's worse honestly.

Oh Yorkshire accent is pretty cool too, isn't the lead singer of the Arctic Monkeys from Yorkshire? Honestly think all the language variations and different accents that come with each region are really fascinating. And that happens with all languages, not just English. Wish I could speak all languages in the world, that would be a cool superpower! I guess it makes sense you like American accents more bc it's so different from yours. I've become desensitized to North American accents just bc I hear them all the time, but I see how it would be more appealing to you.

Oooh I love that possibility of it becoming a real fic soon hahaha. Worst part of letting it cook is that I already have the finished illustration in my head but the transferring to reality part is not working rn. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy tbh.

You def had a busy weekend and start of the week! I have a virgo in my life rn too I know the struggle. Her birthday is this weekend in fact. I had an okay weekend thank you! Managed to catch up with that pirate AU you recommended and I'm already planning fanart for it that will probably never see the light of day haha! Are we going to have more smut this next MoU update? (need to know for scientific purposes 🔬)

Yeah we've been friends for years we met when we were 14 and are still friends now at 27 so it's been one of my longest friendships I have a friend that I met at 4 but we're not as close as we once were still really good friends but not best friends haha!! aww that's so cool that you guys have been friends for that long!! Yeah we're still gonna live together when the baby comes- we're looking for a bigger place right now to make room for the baby and her boyfriend (he still doesn't live with us yet but will soon.... *insert gif of Monica Gellar one friends saying "And now I have to live with a boy" while crying* Yeah my ex is a super thoughtful person and she just didn't want me travelling so far alone when I had never flown before because when I went to Paris with my college we drove there and went on the Eurostar and it took us 13 hours to get there but I had never flown before going to LA and I picked an 11 hour flight for my first one so she wanted someone to fly with me she's a very thoughtful person I LOVE the cold weather I am so sad right now because it's bene quite warm in the north of England I can't wait until it's like -3 degrees Celsius during the winter nights again so I am sure I would love Canada I am fine with it taking me 43 years if that's what it takes haha I just wanna hit all 50 states I think it would be so fun to do it and to be able to say I'd done it.  Haha thank you!! As long as something good comes out of it that's all I can hope for but there are times I've done things and people are like "And you're allowed to teach kids?" Like I can be really dumb sometimes haha.  Yeah I've seen a couple of fics where she has been a pisces I think with it never being said and with VP never saying what she thinks she is people have looked at her personality and matched it up to zodiac signs- a lot of the pisces I've met haven't been like Dani like I said but I do trust what people who know more about zodiac signs say because I know nothing and I just pick a random date each time so CBML she's a Leo and MoU she's a virgo and in SLS she's gonna be a Scorpio because that's just how I've done it haha but I really know nothing about zodiac signs other than what you have told me!! There different types of badgers there are honey badgers and they're more in America here we have a different type of badger and they look so cute but they are really vicious if they feel attacked or scared so try snd avoid badgers... more than that though we just have cows, geese, ducks, swans... lots of foxes but noting dangerous like bears or anything its a very boring place to live!! Yeah it is pretty scary but I just take everything one day at a time- I actually caught Covid last year because of how much time I was in the hospital having treatments for my condition I caught Covid and ended up in the hospital for a week while they had to give me loads of medication and blood transfusions and had to put me on a fluid drip because I was really dehydrated and that was really scary but luckily I was okay and now I am fully vaccinated so hopefully I won't catch it again. I think you will definitely learn from your mistakes I feel like some mistakes have to be made in life so you can grow from them Oh they were definitely savage but I love Bly Manor so much and I will watch it so many more times I can't wait for it to come out on DVD!! Like it was heart breaking but so beautiful and we got such an incredible wlw relationship from it and some great representation and I love that!! Would be interesting to see how it would've affected people had Oliver played Jamie though Yeah Alex Turner is from Sheffield which is South Yorkshire so again we have a similar accent but it's different because I am from further North but there are things that we say in a similar way because we’re from Yorkshire just different parts of Yorkshire... there are four Yorkshires: North, East, West, and South haha and all are in the north of England  Yeah I think that’s the case every where I think accents and languages are so interesting and I would love to be able to speak any other language but I only speak English in my school it wasn’t seen as being overly important to learn a language and I have tried learning them since leaving school but I struggle now  There are some American accents I love (Southern and Midwestern) so when I heard Dani speak I was like 😍🥵🥰 because I love that type of accent I have become desensitised to some American accents that are just standard ones from watching so many movies and TV shows but there are some accents that just make me do heart eyes haha  I am hoping it can become a real fic soon but I am struggling with some stuff but keeping hopeful with it!! Awwh no I’m sorry it’s so hard for you I hope it gets better soon that you’re able to get it onto a page!!  I have had such a busy weekend and part of the week had a bit of a busy day today too and looking after my niece again tomorrow not rest for me it would seem but it’s fine I don’t mind keeping busy!! Well happy birthday to her I hope she has a great day!!  Oh yay I’m glad had an okay weekend and that you were able to catch up on the pirate AU and that you already have fan art planned for it- even if no one ever sees that fanart!! No there is no smut in this chapter of MoU some implied smut but no actual smut- there will probably be smut in chapter 9 though because y’know... it’s me haha 😂 

[5sos-seavey]

Surprise For the Weekend - Daniel Seavey

Daniel Seavey Imagine

Warning(s): a little swearing

Word Count: 1346

A/N: Y/F/N is your friend’s name

Tags: @seaveyliciouss bc you wanted daniel, and @bessonbear, @peachy-beachy-queen and @caswinchester2000 / @zachheroin bc yall wanted this story

You and Daniel starting dating when you were both in grade 12, and now you were finishing your second year of university while Daniel was touring with the boys. The last time you saw him was just after New Years, so it’s been a few months, but you understood what his job was and didn’t have a problem. You would FaceTime as often as you could, which would be almost every night, and you’d text throughout the day, sometimes one of you calling the other before the day finished because you missed each other’s voices.

Daniel had this weekend off and wanted to come visit you, but you told him not to because he deserved some rest and you didn’t want him to be more drained than you were sure he already was. Sure, you did want him to come, but you knew he should just be at home resting, plus you had a lot of studying to do for final exams coming up. And since you lived off campus with some friends, you probably wouldn’t be spending a lot of time at the house because you would get distracted easily, so you’d be going to the library a lot. Of course Daniel fought you on wanting to come, he missed you too, but he gave up and agreed with you after some convincing.

That conversation took place on Monday and it was now Thursday afternoon and Daniel would be arriving back home soon and had told you he’d let you know when he landed and got home. You were excited for him to finally be home, you knew he missed his family like crazy, hell, you even missed them, but you talk to Anna and Christian almost as much as you talk to Daniel. Anna had actually told you that you should fly out to surprise Daniel since he was upset he couldn’t come see you, but you told her the same thing you told Daniel. Just then, Daniel was calling you.

“Hello?” “Hi babe!” “Are you home? How was the flight?” “Just got my bags and I’m heading to the car. I miss you,” Daniel said in a quiet voice, clearly sad that he wasn’t going to see you. “I miss you too, Dani, but I’m almost done the year, and your tour is almost over and then we can see each other as much as we want.” “Yeah that’s true, I just wish it hadn’t been so long,” he spoke still a little upset. “Well the wait is almost over, so don’t be too sad,” you told him trying to perk up his mood, “and plus now you’re home and get to see your parents and Anna! She told me she’s so excited for this weekend with you!” “Yeah, Tyler and I missed her like crazy, and Christian too, but we don’t get to see him yet either. Oh there’s my car, I’ll call you back when I’m home. I love you Y/N.” “Love you too Daniel, bye.”

When you hung up, you got back to studying. You were actually studying at home today since you figured you’d be talking to Daniel quite a bit and didn’t want to be a disturbance in the library. You and your three friends/housemates were all at the kitchen table working together in silence, occasionally stopping to talk or watch an episode of The Office. Once it was 5 o’clock you said you’d make pasta for the four of you while they continued studying with The Office low in the background. As the water was boiling, Daniel called you again.

You answered, “hey!” “Hello, I am now home.” You laughed at his phrasing and the way he said that, “good, how is ever-” Then the doorbell rang, and you called to your friends, “hold on Daniel. Can one of you get that? I’m cooking and on the phone.” Then you heard one of your friends get up to answer the door. “Sorry Dani, what was I saying? Oh, how is everyone?” Then from the front door you heard a small yell or gasp and your two other friends run to the door, “guys! I’m on the phone,” you yelled to them, “who could possibly be at the door?” You stayed at the stove, now pouring the pasta in the water. “I’m so sorry Daniel,” you said laughing. “No it’s fine don’t worry,” he said, now sounding very clear, then he cleared his throat and you turned around.

There he was, standing in the opening of your kitchen. You put your phone down on the counter and went to hug him. He picked you up slightly and swung you. “What are you doing here,” you asked him once you both released from the hug. “I just really missed you. And don’t worry I won’t bother you or stop your studying, but I just really wanted to be with you,” he said shyly but with a smile on his face. That made your heart race, “I love you,” you told him. “I love you too. Oh there’s another surprise.” You looked at him questioningly, and then Anna appeared in the kitchen. “Anna! What are you doing here?!” “I wanted to come with Daniel. So I flew to their show last night and we came together!” You two were now holding each other tight. “Hey, I missed her more,” Daniel spoke up. You and Anna laughed and let go of each other so you could go hug Daniel again, a big smile on his face. “And before you say anything about both of us coming, I texted Y/F/N, she just wasn’t the one who answered the door,” Daniel told you, knowing exactly what was going through your mind. Then you remembered, “THE PASTA!”

You could hear your friends laughing from the table, “thanks for the help,” you said back to them also laughing now. “Aw, I wanted to take you all out for dinner since I know it’s a stressful time,” Daniel told you as he came to hug you from behind. You turned and held his arms and kissed him, “that’s sweet babe. Maybe tomorrow night then, exams haven’t started yet but none of us have class either so we’ll study during the day so we can go out.” “Fine, I guess that’s okay,” Daniel responded, and you laughed. Anna was at the table looking at your notes, “holy shit Y/N, that’s so many pages, how the hell is there so much,” she looked shocked at all the work you’ve done. “I really couldn’t tell you Anna, it’s absolute hell though.”

While you were cooking Daniel and Anna made themselves comfortable on the couch and were watching The Office while your friends were distracted and were talking to Anna and Daniel. Every so often Daniel, Anna or Y/F/N would come and ask if you needed help, and you said no every time. That didn’t stop Daniel from leaving the kitchen though. Every time he came in, he’d sit on the counter watching as you cooked the pasta and sauce while the two of you just talked, a common conversation being about the rest of the boys and tour. “You know they begged me to let them come? They complained that I let Anna come and not them,” Daniel was telling you as he imitated each of them when they said it wasn’t fair. “It would’ve been chaos in the house if they came, there’d be more of you than people that lived in the house.” “That’s what I told them!” You both laughed, “I really missed you, you know,” Daniel said to you as he got off the counter and held your hand. You smiled up at him, “I know, I missed you too, so much.” You kissed him, and he smiled at you, “I’m glad you ended up coming,” you confessed. “I knew you would be,” he told you and he faked flipping his hair. You laughed and hit his chest lightly as you yelled for the other four girls who were now chatting about something “dinner’s ready!”

[justkpopjokes]

Vampire!Mingyu Part 3

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4

Ft. Mingyu death

For: @sunnysidewrites @justsomekpopstuff @kkwonsoonyoung @cipheress-to-k-pop @xeniatan @aesthedick-minmin

A/N: Ohmygod why did this take so long Tagging people who commented/reblogged w/words on the other parts, or people who are just hyped so that they see this!

kind of rushed at the end but I don’t think I can take another part hhhh

That morning, when all the vampires were asleep, you woke Mingyu who was on the couch in the guest bedroom

He could’ve slept with you but he still doesn’t feel right touching you

Istg boi there was already a make-out session tho??

You both snuck out to the gate at the edge of the front garden

But you stop when you heard footsteps and someone clearing their throat

It’s Prince Jun and a posse of purebloods

Jun couldn’t let you leave

He just couldn’t

The second you stepped off the grounds, Mingyu could teleport you anywhere

And he needed you to stay

But as he advanced forward, Gyu pulled you back through the gate

Seconds after hearing “STOP!” you were someplace else

And you were holding Mingyu’s hand :)

He let go bc he was still… iffy about touching you

But you just grabbed his hand again and dragged him out of the alley you were in

Turns out, you were right where you needed to be:

You: “Target!”

Gyu: “Yes you’re a target, I just said that!”

You: “No, Target. It’s a store”

Gyu: “Store?”

You: “We can buy food in there. Do you have any money?”

Gyu: “Buy—?”

Cue you pulling him into Target

If you were going to have a vampire staying with you, you needed to stock up on stuff

How about pizza?

You went over to the freezer section

When suddenly Mingyu stopped in his tracks to stare at everything

“Huh? Something wrong, Gyu?”

His gaze kind of faltered at the nickname, but he still looked at you in disbelief

“These things are… frozen… how do you eat it?”

“Um… when were you bitten?”

“When I was a young child. Why?”

Explains why he doesn’t know much about human stuff

“…Nevermind. You heat the food up”

Gyu: “So… you’d heat that up?”

You: “What, frozen pizza? Yeah.”

Gyu: “Frozen…what”

You: “Pizza? Bread with like cheese and meat and tomato sauce—”

Gyu: *hugs freezer*

You:

Gyu:

You:

Gyu:

Gyu: “…pizza”

People were staring so you pulled him off the freezer

But aw

He likes pizza

So yes you bought a ton of pizza but also veggies bc he needed to be a healthy boi (stay away from the garlic tho)

And after some quick shopping—

Nah we know he’d stop at everything interesting; it took a while

So after a while of shopping

You brought him to your home to relax with some pizza

Ok but cuRIOUS VAMP GYU

WATCHING THE MICROWAVE INTENSELY WITH WIDE EYES

Meanwhile, you were working on what happened when you were gone

You weren’t gone long enough for anyone to worry, and luckily for you, it was the weekend, so you didn’t miss work

Mingyu sat next to you on the couch and you asked him about the other vampires

“So basically… they… want to extend the bloodline. The more human the blood, the more they fit in. The end goal is to be able to blend in with humans while still retaining vampire traits.”

But as Mingyu told you more, you sensed the lie in his voice

You didn’t say anything for now

Ok there’s more plot to this buT VAMPIRE GYU GETTING INTRODUCED TO HUMAN TRADITIONS

AND HUMAN FOOD

AND PIZZA

He just happily munched away at all your cooking

Learned a thing or two

He’s nice company

And he started to warm up to you!!!

That night, he was about to fall asleep staring at the washing machine from the couch when you pulled him up

Cue whiny Gyu wanting to stay on the sofa

You dragged him to your bed and he plops down immediately

You lay down next to him and his arms instinctively wrapped around your body

I’m soft

The next day, you decided to bring Mingyu somewhere to have some fun

Park? Yes.

First, we gotta deal with his clothes

Yeah um no one wears a cape and frilly shirt to a park

Unless it’s Halloween

Which fun fact in this au it’s banned to dress up as a vampire bc of dangers of real vampires

So you gave him some clothes you bought at Target: some sweatpants and a t-shirt

While he was changing in your room, he called you in to ask about something

You assumed it’s about what socks are or smth lmao

But then you walk in and this boi is shiRTLESS and staring at the closet

1st reaction: oHmYGOd his chest is so wide wtf

2nd reaction: okAY PLS PUT ON A SHIRT NOW

But you noticed he was staring at your scarf on the closet door

“What is that?“

“Scarf. For your neck when it’s cold”

“You should wear it. It’s cold outside”

So he tugged the scarf off of the door and pulled it around your neck snugly

“There. You’ll be warm now”

“I don’t think I need this, Gyu”

“Why not?”

“I have you”

At first he’s like wut

And then

Ohhhh ~hugs~

But he also noticed something else…

Your pendant was lightly glowing again

He didn’t say anything.

He finally put on a shirt and a jacket

And you walked to the park!

Gyu at the park man

He saw a dog and—

Wait where’d Mingyu go

2 seconds later he was 10 feet away petting the dog

And he was like “Y/N? Can we get a dog?” while that dog was licking his face like there was no tomorrow

Vampire + puppy = SOFT GYU

You just sighed and laughed at this puppy magnet

You went back home tiredly and looked up dog shelters

Over the next few weeks, you spend your days and nights with Gyu, learning about him and watching movies together whenever you weren’t at work

It was peaceful and you got along well despite him being a fanged creature LOL

Y’all even found some alternatives to blood that kept him healthy!

Tho he still had to drink some animal blood for the first few days which creeped you out a little

One night, Gyu was munching on chips when you confronted him about his honesty about the other vampires

He looked down before sighing and putting the chip bag down

Finally, he told you the truth

“They won’t kill you.”

“Why’d you lie?”

He stays silent.

“Mingyu—”

“The pureblood… your mate… would be your husband. Your love. They would love you. And I… I…”

“You what? Why do you care?!”

You’re just angry now

“I just ran away with you! I could’ve helped them. Not all vampires are bad, and I should get to help! Mingyu why did you take me away—”

“I don’t want you to love someone else! I love you, okay?!?! I want… to be with you. I could never be your soulmate though… I’m not pureblood. I have no chance, but I thought… if you never knew the truth…I’d still have one.”

You fall silent

And think.

Just think and stare at Mingyu

“How could you—how could you be that selfish?” you asked whilst trying not to cry

“My entire life I was treated like an outcast, but when I met you, I finally felt... wanted." It was getting really hard to keep from crying, so you only listen as Mingyu finished speaking

"It was a mistake. I regret it. I’m sorry.”

As you tried to calm down, Mingyu stood up and held out his hand

“If you want to help so badly… I’ll bring you back. But I’m a traitor now, I’ll have to go into hiding. You won’t see me again, Y/N.”

You just nodded, trying to hold back tears

You both have already been through a lot together in the short time you’ve known each other including some intimate things

You slowly grew close to Mingyu

And now he was saying he won’t ever see you again

But you stood up and take his hand

Seconds later, you were back at the gate

Jun was waiting with other purebloods

You reluctantly let go of Mingyu’s hand and gave him one last hug

He just looked into your eyes and smiled

“Remember I love you”

The moment you let go, he was gone

You couldn’t help but choke back tears

You left the garden and went with Jun, who wanted to talk to you

Not any of the other heirs, just you

You went into a room with him alone and had tea while you talked

Jun brought up your little outburst trying to protect Mingyu, and then him taking you away

He appreciated your decision to come back to help and led you back to the rose garden, where the 4 remaining heirs were waiting

Some were kind of upset you left but nevertheless were glad to have you back

So for the next few hours, purebloods from all over the world would take turns standing in the middle of the garden with you all

If one section of coloured roses stopped glowing, that heir would have found their match

Eventually, it was just you left

Everyone went through, and yet no one made the roses stop glowing

Soon the only pureblood who hadn’t tried was Jun

You were kind of scared...

It was going to be him

He was the only one left

It was why he couldn’t let you leave

You looked down to your white roses and wished Mingyu was there with you

The only guy here you were ever really close to

The only guy you really wanted to be your match

Well shoot, time to accept your fate

Then, after a few shouts and gasps, you saw the roses suddenly stop glowing

You quickly looked up, ready to lock eyes with Jun

Jun wasn’t standing next to you

Then you turned around

Mingyu’s hand was inches from your shoulder

He had stepped into the center with you

He was standing there, stunned

All you did was cup his face with your hands and give him a kiss

“You came back! But why?! You said—”

“I thought about what you said, ‘not all vampires are bad.’ Maybe it meant I wasn’t bad, and I had a chance to at least apologize and not be an outcast. I came back to see you—”

Cue Gyu getting interrupted with another kiss

So.

Turns out the non-pureblood vampire is your soulmate

Who would’ve thought?

Well I mean

The make-out session was a dead giveaway

Speaking of make-out sessions…

Since Mingyu wasn’t a pureblood, your role wasn’t important anymore

Jun gave you permission to let Mingyu go home with you

So the make-out session may have resumed at your place 😉

But most importantly…

One night, Mingyu was home learning to cook ramen

When you came home from work

“Babe? You’re late, I got worried—”

He turned around to find you holding a smol puppy that is desperately trying to leap out of your arms and run over to Mingyu

Gyu accepts the kisses from both you and his new puppy-child

YOU GUYS KNOW I AM 100% READY TO WRITE DOMESTIC LIFE WITH VAMPIRE!GYU IF SOMEONE REQUESTS

But until then

This life you had now…

Started all because you were stupid enough to go into a dark alley and get attacked

And now you were raising a puppy with your attacker

Who would’ve thought?

The make-out session was a dead giveaway

“I am never leaving you again”

[listenas-she-whispers]

shanghai

Shanghai Ramblings

Since Tumblr is blocked here and I basically have no contact with anyone at a reasonable hour

7/28/17

Jiejie left today for home and I really wanted to go home with her because I’m really missing the nice weather back at home and all the comforts that come with it. Chinese is still v rusty and not v good but it’s enough to communicate with the relatives, but I’m no where near the confidence needed to speak to outsiders, so idk how work is gonna go. Also I’m p sure Netflix is blocked here but I really wanna stream pacific rim bc it was actually a p good science fiction movie

7/29/17

Woke up around 10am and had a lazy start to the day until the aunt and uncle took me out to see the old Shanghai buildings back in the day called 石库门, and then to a bigger, more modern and much more crowded version of Santana Row called 南京路 and it was really fun bc we walked all the way down to the river and saw the skyline and it was fuckin beautiful and it would’ve been nicer if the weather was better and there were less ppl but it was cool nonetheless. i also showed them the inside of a giant forever 21 and bought a rly cheap pair of aviators(china sizes are much smaller than American ones) so I just decided to get them since they were cheap, even though the material prob isn’t the best. And then we went and ate a vegetarian place that wasn’t that great but wasn’t bad either. Drove through downtown Shanghai and had a p fun convo w the aunt and uncle about my mom’s past dating life and talked some shit about my dad and his fam so that was p fun :) overall it was a good day!

8/6

Forgot to update, oops. The weekend went by gloriously, in which I slept till 11 in the morning both days. Unfortunately tomorrow I have to wake up at 7 again :(, but this time only for 4 days since I get Friday off, and then Saturday I’m flying back to the land of blue sky, white clouds, excellent air quality, and excellent weather! Today was a good day though, bought myself a pair of superstars for only 180 RMB($25!!)three (fake, but decent quality) brand name wallets, gag gifts for Kimia and Nathan, and a nice necklace for jiejie and earrings for her as well. I don’t really wanna go back to work tmr, I just don’t wanna wake up early, and calling ppl is v tedious, and I’m just gonna pretend that I forgot I was supposed to sit next to jade these next four days because sitting next to her means that I actually can’t slack off and take a couple breaks here and there :/ yikes. Got hooked on a lotr pic about thranduil and his wife and Jesus Christ why do I get attached so easily. Been feeling really nostalgic and just wanting to read good books for a long time while listening to easy go acoustic. Also wanting to go home but not wanting school to start because where tf did summer go? Also staying in Asia made me fat and my self esteem lower because wow all the girls here have thin legs and weigh next to nothing and a big part is just genetics but also just them not eating and me gaining weight hasn’t helped and I just ;asldkfsakld. I just wanna get back to 102 where I had a nice jawline and a relatively thin waist like is that too much to ask(it sounds super shallow and superficial and fatshaming but ever since junior year ended and i gained a lot of weight i’ve been feeling really sluggish and not good so this is v much for my mental health). Also I rly wanna just start running again when I get home but school… so yea lots of conflicting emotions at work and part of it is just teenage angst but another big part is anxiety and low self-esteem!! Also I miss social media, even though I am appreciating this break, or a detox as Kimia called it, albeit it wasn’t wanted, but I guess needed? I do miss Tumblr a lot tho. And snapchat, I miss snap a lot. Ok well now I gotta sleep otherwise I’m never gonna wake up early enough shit 

8/7

Dont rly remember what I was gonna write, but I think this was the point where i and the other interns started warming up to each other

8/10

Wow the last day came a lot quicker than I expected. Funny how I was wishing for this internship to end just last week. Had a small farewell party that was p fun, and then went out to karaoke with the interns. Had to leave early bc the aunt smh otherwise I totally woulda gotten smashed with them until like 11 :( that would’ve been fun. I doubt I’m ever gonna see them again, or at least see all of them in one place again, but hopefully some of them visit California and hit me up! That would be p fun. Overall this was a p great experience, despite my angst and general negativity due to the weather here. They’re a fun bunch of people, and heavily remind me of people back home, and I know that even though I’ve only been around them for two weeks, I’ll still be v fond of this experience. At the same time I can’t wait to go home. What a paradox.

8/11

Annoyed at aunt bc for a lot of reasons, but mostly for rude moments and “man-womansplaining” ugh. Also while I’m super glad to go back home, I really don’t want school to start. I just wanna go home and sleep for two more weeks and ignore college apps. Music is keeping me alive, and also missing the interns bc I’m too sentimental for my own good.

8/12

Waiting in the airport rn, w no wifi :( lines for security and immigration were super long so I don't have to wait long to board, but it would've been nice to have wifi and talk w friends before flying off. So ready to land in SF and catch up three weeks of social media loss and remind everyone that I'm still alive haha. 

[pisati]

I don’t remember too much about my birthday last year, besides having to work and mom taking me out to the cat cafe and the brewery. but despite having a pandemic birthday it was actually pretty nice.

I finally got 3 days off in a row. I did tell my friend Cassidy that I’d help them take their stuff to the UPS store to ship it back to CA, but I honestly thought it would only take part of the day. I didn’t mind grabbing lunch and also staying for dinner, but I didn’t really want to have to be driving all over that part of the DC area all day. which was what happened. I didn’t end up getting home til 1am, and while I DID tell them I could help, it kind of felt like a wasted day. wasn’t really an off-day. BUT Cassidy did cover all my food, got me a lovely birthday cake, and gave me some coloring book-style postcards and a little stuffed brain cell. plus a literal fuckton of crafting supplies they didn’t feel like hauling back to CA. I asked how much they’d want for it; they did say I could just have it but seriously that haul has got to be worth at least $150. there were 6 bottles of resin/hardener and those ALONE have got to be worth $80 at a minimum. they said they’d just ask $40 and like... shit, sure. that’s a goddamn steal.

they also sold me their 4x4 ikea kallax shelf; I remember helping them put it together when they first moved to MD. we took it apart and I had my brother come over sunday to help me carry the pieces upstairs. then put it together entirely by myself, which... I probably shouldn’t have done? I made it work, but that shit is Heavy and also very difficult to put together on your own. even the manual says you should have two people. every muscle in my upper body is incredibly sore now, and I managed to bruise both arms in multiple places (not even doing anything seriously injurious, I’m just an overripe banana). but in making room for it in my living room I rearranged the couches, relocated all my yarn to the new shelf from my old craft shelves (and it took up 12/16 of the cubes 🙃), re-sorted and organized the remaining craft shelves, took the two 1x3 shelves up to the rats’ room (and now they’re being used as towel storage), and actually cleaned up my living room area. my dining room table is sewing-machine-free for the first time since march. I just moved it to the craft shelves, and now I actually have the room there for the machine to just sit. the accessories have their own shelf bin. 

mom wanted to do dinner sunday night instead of today, and I guess that was okay. but it didn’t leave me much down time since I spent all day cleaning and organizing. but it was nice anyway. I got home and mom had blown up some balloons, and she had RHCP playing all evening. I’d requested homemade mac & cheese rather than noodles & co this year, and she found a pretty good recipe. she also made a cinnamon sugar doughnut bundt cake, which was good, though maybe a little dry. but served with ice cream it was better. mom told me she had another piece today and it was more moist today somehow.

mom and my brother had ordered me a bunch of things off my crafting wishlist on amazon, and those had come in during the week. my brother ordered the animal keychain molds, a mica powder dye set, black/white alcohol inks, and a silicone mold kit. mom got me a coaster mold set, another resin/hardener set, and a bunch of the sandpaper with the different grits that I really needed. I was kind of surprised she’d ordered me more things, since she already got me the huge rat cage. and she even told me today I should be getting another coaster set tomorrow, this one with 4 of the same size; the other one she ordered had 4 or 5 round molds but they were all different sizes. I can still make coasters with them, but the biggest one is small-tray sized and the smallest one is like... coin-sized, honestly. it’s tiny. and I can only make one at a time, so a set of 4 of the same size would take 4 days at a bare minimum; longer than that possibly if I were doing layers that needed to cure first. so with a set of 4 I can whip up a whole set at once. 

mom’s boyfriend got me things too, which was super nice of him. they saved it for the dinner night, so I got to open it there. he got me a geode coaster mold, the set of animal butt shaker molds I put on my wishlist kind of as a joke, but also I thought they were silly and adorable. I’m so excited to make those little shakers. also got a set of 3 trinket box molds with molds for the lids, and a little bag of snake charms I’d added so I could use the charms for mold-making; I could make my own little snake charm earrings!

so yesterday was a long day. and then I slept like garbage and woke up early this morning, but I at least got a few things done before Charlotte came over. we planned on a lazy day but since I’d wanted to make yesterday my craft day and never got around to it, I wanted to do that today. Charlotte I guess didn’t have the same idea, but she’d brought her laptop so she could play this video game she and her brother and husband and so on had played together. we ordered five guys for lunch, which is always nice. she brought me homemade cinnamon sugar cupcakes, and gave me a hand mixer, a few bath bombs, and some face masks as a birthday gift. she was right, I really do need my own hand mixer, ha. 

I finally got to work on my silicone molds, and it was super messy. I didn’t realize how much worse it would be than resin. but I tried my best to mix it well. I’d accidentally bought a $25 kit at michael’s a few weeks ago, because I’d picked it up from a clearance section and wanted to price check but forgot and forgot it was in my basket when I checked out; didn’t even realize I’d bought it until I was already back in my car looking into the bag. oops. but I ended up using the whole thing. and I had planned to make a crochet hook mold, so I was excited to try it. mom gave me an old tennis ball can that I cut up, and I used hot glue to seal it and position the hooks. I felt SO bad that it used up almost all of the silicone kit my brother got me; that shit is NOT cheap. and I was terrified I didn’t stir it well enough or mix the parts well enough because that would’ve been such a waste. but I demolded it after the few hours’ cure time and it came out beautifully. I cut slits in it with an xacto knife, so that way I can at least coax the hooks out more easily when I go to demold. it did seem like kind of a waste of a lot of the silicone, since I didn’t use up all the space, but hopefully I can sell enough crochet hook sets that I can maybe buy myself more. I’m nervous about those pours, because they’re not going to be easy, but I’m also excited bc I have a gorgeous, usable mold, and I got a ton of resin for [almost] free that I can experiment with. 

after that I finally got around to some of the resin I’ve been meaning to do. my friend in PA requested some resin earrings; she’s bought so many masks off my etsy for herself and family that after this last order I offered her a resin or crochet thing at no charge. so I’ve got to do some moon earrings; too bad I don’t have more than one moon mold. also my brother babysat some kids the last few weeks of summer and he’d taken them out to gather wildflowers for me to put into resin, so I offered to make them little resin keychains. I got little transparent letter stickers, and I’m super glad they worked as well as they did; the transparent stickers don’t show their borders in the resin so it almost looks like the letters are printed in it. I decided to make letter keychains with each of their initials, and I spelled their names with stickers in the letters. for the girl’s keychain, I added some of the flowers. I’m not sure what to put in the boys’ keychains quite yet. I’m told they’re harry potter fans, so maybe I’ll do some kind of transparent blue with gold glitter or maybe star glitter or something. I also had leftover colored resin from the moon mold so I added them to the J for my mom. nothing like the scramble for appropriately-sized molds when you’ve got extra resin. I also made another set of cat earrings, and I’ll see how those end up. I tried a drop of gold alcohol ink, and hopefully the white helped it sink. otherwise I’ve just got some weird looking cat earrings. 

(update, they turned out weird. gold doesn’t sink :/)

---

I wasn’t quite ready to go back to work today. I had a pretty good weekend, all said. don’t get me wrong, I enjoy what I do. but I feel like I need another gap year. I just want to stop existing for a while. stop having to go out and be around other people. having to talk to other people, all day almost every day. I’m tired. my brain is tired. my last gap year didn’t help with that, so I’m not sure how much good another one would do me. but I just... I need a damn break. 

I have another therapy appointment tomorrow. it may end up being my last one for a while. I already can’t really afford the copay, and I’m switching insurance to one she doesn’t take. my credit card bill this month is incredibly painful. not going to be too upset at not having to spend almost $100 a week to just ramble to someone I barely know. she’s pointed out a few things to me that I didn’t really notice I do, which is nice. but is it worth $400 a month? not right now. not when I’m about to lose my insurance and have to pay for my own. my rent is already half my pay, and now I’m going take a pay cut of somewhere around $100 a month for fucking health insurance. I hate this. I fucking hate the concept of health insurance. insurance in and of itself isn’t bad; property insurance is helpful. but having to pay money for other people to pay money for your healthcare? and you still have to hit a deductible somewhere in the thousands before insurance will even start covering your shit. and even then they can decline coverage or only cover parts of your expenses. literally what is the point

 back to worrying I guess. 

I’ve started a kind of ridiculous undertaking at work as a side project, now that I’m done scanning all the files that were up front. I printed out the list of all the clients in our system that had physical folders, and I’m going through the scanned records and making sure the active ones have new client paperwork and the hours disclosure attached. the head receptionist asked me to start with the ones my former coworker had scanned in, and there are a lot of disclosures missing. some are missing both. I don’t know if he just didn’t scan them or if they didn’t have them at all or what. but I’ve been putting alerts in charts so people know that they need to give the forms to the clients when they come in. we had one client get kind of mad that he’s been coming to us for 10-some years and didn’t want to fill out the paperwork again, even after we clarified it was for our records and for legal reasons. but whatever. 

I don’t know how many physical folders there were, but the list is very long. the folders go from 0 to somewhere in the 8000s I believe, but thankfully a lot are missing. missing as in possibly inactive, so there might only actually be 1000-2000 or so. but I’m going through every single one of them. I made myself a little system with highlighter colors: yellow means the client is active and they need something filled out (and I mark on the sheet what they need), purple means they’ve been seen within 3 years but more than 1 year ago, and they need to fill out something, pink mens inactive, and orange is kind of a catch-all for things like active clients who have recently moved (not sure whether to mark those as inactive). so far, since starting this a week or so ago, I’ve managed to get through 4 pages and a little bit on a 5th. many, many more to go.

the head vet wants to turn the back room into a little employee lounge area of some sort, but we want to get rid of those shelves first too. which means I have 2 big shelves of folders left before I’m officially done. thankfully the files in the back should *mostly* be clients that are inactive, but I still have to go through all of them to make sure. I know I’ve gone back there a number of times to find a folder for an active client because I wasn’t sure whose phone number was whose and I knew it would be in the record. 

---

I’ve been writing this post over the last two nights but I keep falling asleep while I’m writing. I did a lot more resin stuff last night, so I ended up going to bed pretty late. I wanted to finish up those keychains but I’m bad at gauging how much resin I’ll need for things so I ended up with a lot of random extra pours. I’m excited about a few of them; I poured a few into the new molds I made so I’m looking forward to seeing how those turn out. 

not really sure where I was going with this. not really sure where I’m going in general. I’m just going. trying to keep up with work, trying to remember doctor appointments. trying to keep the rats happy and as healthy as I can get them, trying not to let the cat get on my nerves too much. trying to do crafts. trying to remember to talk to people, but I don’t know. I feel lonely sometimes but since I’ve been working so much I kind of just want to be alone. I don’t have the energy for conversations a lot of the time. 

---

hm. maybe another post for therapy thoughts. I was asked to think about a few things.

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

5/12/17, 11:11pm - gettin cucked up

me and a particular group of my melee friends have been using the word cuck a lot still and I never really thought about where it came from. Like 4chan probably repopularized the use of the word because I saw that cuckold porn became a really big trend on there, but the way we use it isn’t like cuckoldry exactly, it’s more like getting fucked over, or stood up, or most specifically teased with a promise of a good time and then having someone back out at the last minute.

More on that later I guess. This week’s been so hectic. Wtf it’s only been like 5 days it feels like it’s been weeks already. I’ve restrategized my Get Your Shit Together (4.0) list, and the big three things are 1. pass the RPSGT, 2. get moved out of my apartment, 3. get some surgeries. 

Tony actually wrote my letter for real, so I put in my application to take the test this week! My cpr aed certification is outdated so I got an online one and I’m not allowed, so I have to do a course this weekend and fix that, but otherwise I’m all set. Gotta study hard, I’m pretty fucking pumped to get a raise. Glad I’m not dying for the money rn though, the $500 to take the test and get a new cpr cert would have me stresssssed the fuck out, dude.  No progress on getting someone to take my room just yet, my room’s a fucking mess, I need to do laundry, I’m kinda putting all this shit off for now tbh. We’ll wait until I’ve taken the exam I’ve got vacation this week anyway. And I talked to my dad, who gave me his blessing so to speak to get a vasectomy. I fudged a number that I told him, said that it’s 90% reversible (most numbers say 95% or greater w/in 3 years, about 50% at 10), but with the potential for in vitro fertilization even if the reversal fails I’m sure that’s about right. He told me that my mom had told him that she wasn’t trying to get pregnant for a year or so and then ‘was practically pregnant the next day.’ coupled with how mom was talking about being pregnant at their wedding I can see that lol. He basically told me that he loves all of us a lot, but yeah I would’ve definitely done that because it’s worth it to not have that kind of surprise when you can’t make money for a kid. I definitely can’t make money for a kid right now lol that would kill me. So I’ve already called the doc to get a referral and I’m gonna get a vasectomy. Gotta figure out how much my septum surgery will be too, but that’ll be a lot more -_- Me and dad were catching up for a bit and I helped him get in touch with Dr. Bruce to fix a hernia so he’s gonna be giving me some more money so that’ll help with that too though. Plus I’ll FINALLY be making sleep tech money. I’m so fucking pumped.

Plus basically the past 3 days I’ve Actually just been working. 3 patients a night for the first time this week was stressful as fuck. I mean not exactly. Just time consuming and pretty frustrating. As jimmy said “if you were still trying to get through Zelda you probably would be dying right now.” Made it through fine and that should sweeten up my paycheck just a smidgen.

Still haven’t eaten french fries, but definitely gave up on cigs. Practically like two days later. I was out drinking for Josh’s birthday and smoked a bunch. That shit was so fucking cash omg. I got blackout drunk for the first time in forevvver. Was hanging out with Jimmy, Josh, Ian, Jack, ran around with one of josh’s friends trying to pick up chicks at a bar after smashing beers into our head and shotgunning them. I have a video lol I’ll try to upload it once I have internet. Was trying to ‘flirt with all the ASA bitties’ but got too drunk and ended up boxing someone in Josh’s friend’s basement (w/ boxing gloves) lmfao. Reminded me of middle school boxing Cory Winters and having our little fight club ring lol. Drunk snapped a bunch of people, ian drove me home, it was a great fucking night. Oh and at Josh’s friend’s I ran into one of my asian friends who I could not remember for the life of me. I wasn’t sure if he was a league friend or one of brosciouss friends or a smash friend I was just so lost, but played it off really well (as always) and did jager shots with him. Fuck. Ing. Lit. First time I felt so happy and natural to be drinking in forever, too. Even got to see brett3 for a bit. Nice to be back in chapel hill. Especially when they’re good old drinking buddies like Jack. It’s so strange that I don’t really talk to anybody else from chapel hill, but then again it really isn’t. 

The date with Brianna went pretty meh. We met up and joked around a bunch and thrift shopped and I bought a whole fuckton of new pants to ease the process of spring cleaning and two new sweatshirts so I’m not wearing fuzzy shit all the time now that it’s getting warmer. Ate at Ms. Winner’s and it was some delicious ass cheap fried chicken, might be my new go to in gboro now. But she like barely wanted to kiss me at the end of the date idk what’s up with her, I’ve kinda bailed out since she’s all preoccupied with her family anyway.

Instead ive gone back to what I call my “harem strats” You see, by chatting up as many girls as possible (right now juggling 4-5) I divert my attention and stay aloof enough that I don’t seem like a crazy fuck. Instead I’m just an asshole who’s two timing girls, but yknow fuck you stop judging me.  This girl hit me up on snapchat saying I looked cute in my story and that we should smoke sometime. With the snapchat name Smokeahontas I could’ve sworn it was Kat, so I just go along with the convo. But then I see kat has a diff username and I was like wtfff who is this lol. I didn’t ask her though, just played along and eventually remembered when she asked for my insta that it was this girl I matched with on tinder months ago that I never followed up with (like most of them), probably because I got lazy lol.  Had a sort of date with Jamie, we got some food because she was getting off work, we smoked a bit, but she was like texting the whole time and fuckin bailed out after just an episode of south park to ‘go to the beach with her roommate.’ I still have been talking to her a bunch, but Idk what the fuck is up with that, kinda whack. Super cucked by how that went. Especially because when I walked her out to her car I didn’t even get a kiss goodnight it was this weird lasting embrace like she pressed her cheek into mine to make sure I didn’t try to kiss her I guess, but still held me tight for a really long time, I was like rubbing her lower back hoping she’d like loosen up and kiss me but hooooly shit it all felt super fucking awkward. I’m hoping she’s just really conservative about dudes since she’s such a cutie, but idk. it makes me actually not give a fuck about her. I have a date tomorrow night with the other textiles girl idr if I wrote about her, but she’s cute, going to ncsu. “allergic to smoke” lol I told her I quit. (I mean I had that day before but I lied and said I did two weeks ago hahah goddamn I’m kind of a twat maybe.) Also actually got cucked by smokeahontas. It was like a situation that was too good to be true though, to be fair. She didn’t have anything to do yesterday night and wanted to hang out; when I told her I was stuck at work and said she should just smoke with me in the morning she said she actually wanted to and would stay up all night to meet up with me when I got off. Ofc she fell asleep, and when she woke up she said she wanted to go back to bed, so I flippantly said “well you could always sleep over here.” and surprisingly enough she said she was actually game for that, so our smoke and horror movie date turned into a naptime date. But an hour passed while I was eating breakfast and in the shower so I was like ‘wtf is up’ and she said she got sick and threw up. Figured I was super cucked once more by another flaker, kind of a bummed out, but not as bummed as after the dates with Jaime and Bri both went so poorly lol. Just happily told her we can try again another time, and now she’s saying she wants to do the same plan for tomorrow morning. 

So There. Is. The potential for me to get laid twice tomorrow. Pretty exciting. I haven’t told anyone that I remade plans with her though. RIGHT after I told some friends about how the nap date got planned out she said she was sick. I FUCKING swear that every time I brag about one of my dates I have lined up it falls the fuck through the floor. So I’m gonna try to never do it again. 

Then there’s this other theatre major girl I started talking to yesterday. Talked about horoscopes and transitioned from talking feminism to her (woke as fuck teens smh) into asking if she ate ass (jokingly) into asking if she wanted to hang. Turns out she’s actually a really cool super geeky chick and I’m really excited to spend time with her since she wants to show me jurassic park for the first time and learn how to play melee. Kinda weird that she’s only 18 still though O.o oh you, tyler. 

SO yeah. That’s the sitch with that. Went from supppper fucking bummed a couple days ago about my dating situation into thinking that I’m the shit again. I think I want to establish that “i’m the best” mentality once again. Because I really am. I’m fucking amazing lmao. 

Ultimately though, I’m still getting cucked left and right and I have little to no faith that I’ll find anybody I actually care about ever again but we’ll see yknow. I think that’s the strats to how I fell in love last time anyway.

hmmm. what else is there... Work in burlington is still super shitty, my commute went from an hour to like an hour and forty minutes today bc people in NC can’t drive through a little bit of fucking drizzling. 

Idk that’s about all I’ve got. Next week’s lake week so gonna have to work again in a few days after some date shenanigans and hopefully I’ve got some more good stories and shit. 

[suchabeautifulbrokensmile]

Day 4

I had high expectations for myself, I planned on eating all of my meals and not drinking ensure. Well that didn’t happen, during snack every time I touched the spoon I wanted to purge. They call it symptoms at the treatment center. I literally had to cover my mouth and think of the most random things ever like a polar bear playing in the snow in order to keep those thoughts away. I sit next to a girl galinda (( or at least I think that’s her name)) and across from her sits a cute old lady name Jenny. They are always judging the food and complaining about the staff and just saying the most negative things and it makes it so much harder to eat. But like Christine said today my recovery is on me. I have to do this for myself and even if their comments trigger me I have to learn to get through it which is why I haven’t said anything. Bitchy old gee would’ve asked to be moved or just moved by herself, but I am trying my hardest.

The weirdest thing happened today, and I got my period for about three hours?? I don’t even know if I could call it a period. I did felt like I was going to faint at one point and I told krista. She sat next to me and tbh I don’t know what the hell she was talking to me about bc my head was somewhere else. I can’t think straight. I can’t even talk properly. It’s like I forget the entire language at times. I feel very shitty physically and mentally. Physically I feel like I’m carrying twins bc I’m bloated af. Mentally I want this all to stop but fast, I don’t want to go to treatment, but we all know that’s where I should be because I need to be healthy. I don’t know if it’s my eating disorder or my depression but someone kills telling me to make it all stop, it’s hard not to grab a razor and cut but some how I have been doing a very good job.

I really really like Christine and its soooo weird. I usually don’t like people right away, I usually do not trust people so fast. I never have before I usually give them and myself a hard time. I just know I can’t get too attached and I need to learn to do things on my own bc just like Katie and ms Clar she won’t stay in my life forever, which sucks. I have learned a lot from her in just four days.

OHHHH the weirdest thing happened during snack time today, obviously like I said before I had a hard time, and this other therapist, NOT Christine, comes up to me and tells me “remember your goal for today gee?” And I got so pissed like wtf Christine I trusted you. Ohhhh but before she came up to me she kept raising her eyebrows at me with a weird smile, i get a weird vibe. I’m glad she’s not my therapist. I would’ve probably cried. At the end of the day I went to Christine and asked her bc if not I was going to be a bitch to her for no reason and it was going to bother me. She said she didn’t say anything and I believed her. The other therapist is weird so I wouldn’t be surprise if she has like super hearing powers or some shit. Idk. I said I liked solid colors during an ice breaker kinda game and she looked at me smiles and said same like coooooool, bye. But like I said gee is trying to have a positive mind set and leave this behind. I will not carry any of this little things with me tomorrow. people like that therapist irritate my soul, they try to hard to be liked and it’s like they want to be my friend, and I don’t need friends. Or maybe she’s doing it because I’m at risk of being suicidal but honey I will not talk to you that’s why God blessed me with Christine. Thank the lord

Oh one more thing, I told my mother this morning to put money in my card because I have to pay for the food that I will be consuming this weekend and I haven’t been working so I need money and she forgot… She gave me cash…. So now I have to do it myself in the morning. It’s great I love waking up early

My goal for tomorrow is to eat all three meals if I don’t I will be hella pissed at myself.