#i’m really excited to go on rides and also eat fair fries and ice cream and also maybe even fried dough!!!!!!!!

[hellfireeddiemunson]

i was going to use my only day off (sunday) to rot in bed but my friends invited me to go to the fair and i have wanted to go so bad since fair season started i can’t wait i think this may fix me up a bit

[tummyachesandchocolatecakes]

i really liked your writing about the chinese food? don't know if you remember what i'm talking about lol but something else like that would be great. sorry if this is too vague

I’m pretty sure I know the one you mean! If it isn’t and this isn’t what you had in mind, just hit me up again and I’ll write something else!

The annual fair has come back into town, and you and your friends decide to head out. Everyone is excited as there isn’t much to do in your small hometown so the fair is a big deal. Everyone is excited for the rides and entertainment, but you’re most excited for the food. Just thinking of the sweet treats and savoury snacks has your mouth watering.

Upon arrival you all decide to have a bite to eat before exploring too far. You head to a food stall close by, and decide on loaded fries. They all sound so good you order two portions so you don’t have to choose, you pick the chilli beef and the spicy pulled pork. You all sit down at a picnic bench and dig in.

You take a bite of the chilli fries first, the flavourful spices igniting your tastebuds like fireworks. You devour half of them before deciding to try the pork. When they said spicy, they meant it. You can handle your spice but even you find yourself needing a drink. Leaving your food with your friends momentarily you head to the milkshake stand. Peanut butter chocolate chip of course, and you make it a large. Why not you think, it’s part of the fun!

Returning to your friends you have a large gulp of your shake, the sweet taste feeling amazing in your mouth. You finish off the chilli fries before moving back to the spicy pork. By now you acknowledge the fact that actually, you’re not hungry anymore. But you can’t waste the fries so you eat them anyway, interchanging every other mouthful with a swig or three of thick creamy milkshake. Everyone else is ready to leave so you eat it all at lightning speed. You finish the fries and down the last of the milkshake before leaning back slightly. You’re overly full. Not completely stuffed, but beyond the point of being “comfortably” full. You give you’re belly a little rub, it’s protruding a tiny bit but not hugely bloated. You encourage up a huge belch, it’s thick with the milkshake and it lasts a long time. You’re friends laugh, and you all get up and make your way to the next activity.

You all decide on watching a fire eating show, followed by playing some carnival games. By now you’re feeling a lot less full, so when someone suggests a snack you’re all for it. This is where you’re gluttony sets in. Choosing just one snack out of all of the wonderful choices is too hard. So you buy a selection, stating you intention is to share it all out with your friends, though you yourself know that you’re going to have more than your fair share.

Donuts, churros, candy floss, ice cream, popcorn, deep fried mars bars, and chocolate coated strawberries (fruit is healthy right?) fill your arms as you find a shaded place on the grass to sit.

You go for a donut first, followed by a churro. Your lips and fingers covered in sugar. Annoyingly you find yourself feeling full already. Another small rub to your belly brings up a little gas, allowing for some more room. Next you eat the ice cream, it’s soft where it’s started melting in the heat. Each lick taste wonderful and refreshing, you chose a vanilla and it’s super creamy. And of course what goes better with vanilla ice cream than chocolate strawberries? You devour the lot in under five minutes. To break things up a little and refresh your palate, you then chug half a bottle of water. Once you pull the bottle away from your lips, you become aware of a heavy feeling in your stomach. You try to encourage up yet another burp, but instead get a regurgitated mouthful of water mixed with undigested ice cream. Swallowing it back down, you lean back, suddenly acutely aware of how full you are. The fullness is increasing by the second, and you’re stomach begins to ache a bit. Letting out a deep breath, you place your hand on you belly and begin rubbing circles on it, praying to aid it in the digestion of all the food crammed inside it. Your belly grumbles and whines unhappily as it tries to break down all of the sugar and fat soaked food inside of it. You can feel it bloating, expanding to accommodate all of the food it’s that you’ve shovelled inside. You feel a gas bubble forming, but even the thought of burping makes you feel queasy. You rub a little harder, hoping against hope that you’ll be able to disperse the bubble and hold out on burning until everything is a little more settled inside you’re now pretty upset tummy. But no, the rubbing just encourages the air up and you feel it rising within you, along with a lump of undigested dough filled stomach acid. No matter how much you try and suppress it, this burp is coming. You lean forward over your gurgling tummy, anticipating vomiting. But all that comes up is a gigantic wet, sickly belch that vibrates through your entire being. Once again you’re friends laugh, commenting on you gluttony and your iron gut. You don’t have it in you to tell them that actually your belly was feeling far from iron clad, that in fact you were in a lot of discomfort, bordering on actual pain. But it’s okay you think, as you’ll have some time to let your belly recover before moving on. Except you’re wrong.

One friend suggests moving on to the rides and attractions. Everyone eagerly agrees and you’re encouraged to finish up. You place the popcorn and candy floss into your rucksack, they’re both in plastic bags so can be eaten at a later date. Then you get to the deep fried mars bar. The grease from the batter has already leaked through the wrapping, meaning you can’t put it aside for later. You offer it around but nobody else wants it, all of them seem a little grossed out at the idea of the deep fried candy bar. You go to throw it away, but you are stopped by a friend who tells you what a waste it would be. That leaves only one option, to eat it. Your belly is upset already, still bloating bigger as you’re all wondering around choosing rides. You can feel all of the food mixing together and not settling at all. You’re gut has started feeling bloated and gassy lower down too, meaning that the fries from earlier are also upsetting your intestines, as much as you love spicy food it doesn’t always love you.

But you do it. Despite your poor tummy practically screaming at you not to, you take a bite of the mars bar. The mouthful of batter mixed with the sweet candy bar tastes divine, but you don’t have time to enjoy it. You forcefully swallow it down, taking another bite before your belly has time to process what you’re doing. Bite, swallow, bite, swallow, bite, swallow, bite. It’s the last bite that gets you. You hold it in your mouth way longer than necessary, because you can already feel the rest of it practically sitting in your oesophagus because there just isn’t any room in your tummy to put it. After a slow deep breath through your nose, you force yourself to swallow. The battered candy slowly slides its way down your throat, and sits itself in what feels like your chest. But you’ve done it. It’s all gone.

And then you get a sharp pain in the centre of your stomach. You’re tummy catching up to what you’ve just put inside it. It’s not happy, not happy at all. A long, deep gurgle comes from your stomach as it moves things around to find room. Room that doesn’t exist. Your stomach stretches, pushing tightly against your skin, tighter than it’s ever been before. Your belly gurgles some more, and the food settles like a rock in your tummy. Hard, heavy and unmovable. You’re friends have chosen a ride, one of those ghost trains with questionable scares and even more questionable sanitation. You excuse yourself from this ride, telling a half truth, that you think ghost trains are lame. You place yourself on a nearby bench as they get in line.

Once they’re out of sight, you allow yourself to feel the full effects of your food consumption. You leans back into the wooden bench, spreading your legs wide to accommodate you’re severely bloated tummy. You pull up your top. You are huge, like 8 months pregnant kind of huge. Your stomach is protruding far out from you, your jeans cutting into you tightly. You would love nothing more than to pop the button, but know if you did that then it would not go back together. You place your hands on your stomach and rub it desperately. It’s solid, when you push it doesn’t give at all, it’s so tight and round it almost feels like it’s actively pushing out against your hands whilst your rub. Sickening groans and sloshing gurgles continue to be emitted, as you experience the hot flushes and tingling sweaty sensations of nausea. Your bend forward, cradling your aching belly and rocking back and forth whilst also rubbing hard and fast circles over your engorged abdomen.

All to quickly you see your friends returning and you straighten up, not wanting to be caught. They all agree that the ghost train had been lame, though you’re not really listening as you fight off wave after wave of nausea. Standing up to join your friends brings a new issue. As soon as you’re upright you’re stomach seems to go into overdrive, gurglings and sloshing in your tummy, whilst huge cramps suddenly engulf your intestines. You double over, not sure if you’re going to throw up or shit yourself. You cradle you’re tummy and groan, feeling like a bloated whale out of water. Once the cramps finally pass you’re able to straighten up, only to see that your friends had already began to walk away and hadn’t noticed. You sigh a small sigh of relief before slowly waddling to catch up with them.

Walking isn’t helping. Each step increases the pain surging through every inch of your poor bulging belly. Your jeans are cutting so deeply into you that you’re beginning to fear they’ll actually draw blood. You walk with your hand up your shirt, rubbing profusely at your aching sick tummy. And then someone notices. They slow down, joining you at the back of the group. They ask if you’re okay, and by now you don’t have it in you to lie. You tell them how much your tummy is hurting, how sick you feel and how upset your tummy is. You pull your shirt up and let them see the swell of your stomach. They’re shocked, placing they’re hands on your tummy and pushing it slowly. You feel something rising in your throat and turn away, but only a small sickly burp escapes you. And then you stop. Your friends have chosen a ride. A roller coaster. You begin thinking up excuses to not go, but know they all know that you’re a roller coaster fiend.

That’s when your friend turns to you and quietly asks if you want to leave now feeling so sick or if you want to feel a bit better first. You look at them questioningly as they point at the ride. Oh. You stand there, wondering what to do, but your tummy is so sore, so bloated, so sick, you know what needs to be done. As you all queue for the ride, you and your friend remain at the back of the group. They place their hands on your tummy, rubbing it gently and soothingly. The pressure in you tummy is still growing, your belly so big and so tightly packed you can barely breath. Your friend moved their hands down and pops your button. Your fly undoes itself from the pressure, and your belly let’s put a huge groan of relief as it has more room to accommodate the greasy food and ever building gas and awfully digested food. You groan in painful pleasure at the release of some pressure, though by the time you reach the front of the line your belly is fully bloated and tight as a drum again.

They sit you two by two, your friend sat by you to offer comfort and continues tending to your belly as everyone boards. When the lap bar is pulled down, it pushes tightly into your stomach, and you let out a huge sickly belch along with a wet, gut wrenching fart. Your friend chuckles a little, patting you reassuringly on the knee before the ride begins.

The rollercoaster begins it’s incline and the contents of your tummy sloshes backwards making you nauseous once again. And then the coaster drops, and turns and jolts along the tracks. The insides of your belly splash and move in all directions. You close your eyes as the nausea builds and builds and builds. All of the food mixes and swirls within you, and you can feel it all bubbling sickly. Your skin is prickly with sweat as you feel acid rushing up your throat whilst you swallow thickly to keep it down a little longer. Finally the ride stops, the lap bar raises, and you run off of the ride and out of the exit. You don’t have time to find a trash can, your tummy is so sick and upset and the nausea is building fast.

Finally you exit the ride area and dash to the side of the path before collapsing onto your hands and knees. You wretch once, nothing but spit comes up. You wrap your arm round your belly, it’s so tight and painful that you can’t not do it. And then you feel pressure building again and you know what you have to do. You push your hand into you tummy forcefully, and that’s all it takes.

A wave of sickly sweet vomit projectiles our of your mouth, splattering onto the grass. You have no time to even breath before another wave forces it’s way out of your mouth. You vomit with such force you feel like you’re going to fall into your own sick. But a pair of hands grabs your shoulders holding you up.

Wave after wave of projectile vomit escapes you until you’re left dry heaving profusely into the grass. Your friend pulls you away from your sick and seats you between their legs. They tell you that they’ve made the others leave and it’s just the two of you. They rub their hands deeply into your tummy, interchanging between circular motions and palpating you’re still very bloated tummy. You assess yourself, seeing that you still look pregnant and that your tummy is still rock solid. As they rub your tummy you begin bringing up gas, belching wet sickly burps that occasionally bring up mouthfuls of partially digested food that you forcefully swallow back down. Then your intestines cramp, you force your friends hand deeply into the pain, and they rub hard forceful circles into it. Once the cramp passes they then focus on the lower area of your tummy. Groans and gurgle escape, and they get louder and more urgent sounding. Cramps begin to hit more frequently, and pressure continues to build. You know you’re going to need a toilet pretty soon and you know it’s going to be an awful experience, but you’re glad you’re friend will be here to help you expel all of the upset and pain from within your poor distended tummy.

[bnhascenariosheadcannonsimagines]

Awww! Ill be sure to buy you a coffee or two when I get my paycheck tomorrow

Admin Speaks: I’ve sorta kept it quiet but I do have a ko-fi account! Tell me if the link in my sidebar works… I just kinda put it there and hoped! But if you do have the time to go over there and buy me a coffee it would be greatly appreciated! I’m starting college in two weeks and want to avoid having to get a job so I have more time for this.

Oh! And I’m going to skip the tunnel of love because I don’t really have any ships besides Jirou and Momo…. So I can avoid a shipping war and conflict 😅

County Fair!! Yeehaw

All Might/Toshinori

Since he was the Symbol of Peace there is a lot of mercy with his face on it, and he’s a little unnerved by it. It sorta freaks him out, but it is flattering that people love him so much. But seriously, who would let their kid wear a mask of his face??

Isn’t into rides so he’ll stroll around with Aizawa and look at exhibits to pass some time. If people recognize him as All Might he’ll smile and then they’ll let him go about this day. Not many people want a picture with him when he isn’t beefed up

Erasurehead/Aizawa Shouta

This poor man just wants to go home. But does he really care? No. He’ll fall asleep somewhere and people will think he’s an attraction, “The Man Who Can Sleep Through Anything”

If he is awake then he’ll just walk around the exhibits and waste time, it’s not his favorite place to be, but he isn’t going to protest and not go

Present Mic/Hizashi Yamada

Is usually at the karaoke part where everyone is singing. Usually Aizawa has to tell him to tone it down because his quirk makes him the loudest by a long shot… But even when he isn’t singing along hella loudly he’s dragging Aizawa to try all the weird deep fried things at the carnival

Super bad at carnival games. Doesn’t matter what it is, tossing a ring, throwing a ball, slamming a hammer down, bad. Bad at all of them. Most people call him a hazard now and he’s banned from most of the carnival games… But he still has a kickass time!!

Yuga Aoyama

Will spend most of his time in the House of Mirrors because there are so many of him! And who could possibly not be loving this, more of his beauty to look at for everyone!

Things fair food is too greasy and will ruin his complexion but if offered he will totally dig into s funnel cake….Just don’t tell anyone. And how did he manage to not get any mess anywhere?! Funnel cake is messy for everyone!

Mina Ashido

Isn’t very good at any of the games but will play them with others to see who can do better! She’s there to have a good time and no one is going to stop her! She’ll pet all the animals in the petting zoo, she’ll look at every tasty treat, and ride every ride!

Really loves the rides that spin, any ride that spins is her favorite. She likes getting off of them and stumbling around for a minute while laughing with her friends, it makes the fair all the more fun

Tsuyu Asui

Loves the giant ice cream cones that the fair has because her tongue is long enough to eat nearly the whole thing in a single lick. But usually ice cream in gone in a second so the obnoxious amount they give you at the fair is actually kinda refreshing for her

Won’t play the games on her own but if someone wants to play one with her she won’t object and have fun. She would probably spend most of her time with Uraraka and doing things she wanted to do because Uraraka is way more excited about it all

Tenya Iida

Super stressed about everyone going off on their own and insists everyone has a buddy. Will be on high alert for any one doing anything stupid so he can rush over waving his hands and telling them that they are representing UA and should act on their best behavior!

Once Izuku and Uraraka get him to calm down he will try all the food they insist on trying and will try his hand all some games if they want him to try. He doesn’t really know how to chill so the other two have to drag him around to have fun. And he does! Eventually he’ll get on the Ferris wheel with the other two and they’ll end the night looking over all the pretty lights

Ochaco Uraraka

She’s there to have a good time! She didn’t get to go to a whole lot of these when she was younger so she’s making up for lost time! Dragging Iida and Izuku around to each of the food stall to try everything and take a lot of pictures!

She is all for the crazy rides! She wants the full carnival experience people! So she’ll make the boys go on the spinning dragons and the not super safe roller coasters… But she’s having fun so no one is going to stop her!

Mashirao Ojiro

He is more concerned about people bumping into his tail than anything else! But once this poor child gets over it be’s all about the exhibits. They aren’t super exciting but he likes looking at all of the things that people have made and put their time into. It keeps him motivated to keep bettering himself

He doesn’t like a whole tone of the greasy foods and isn’t too interested in the rides or games, but he likes hanging out with everybody and it makes him happy that everyone can hang out and act like normal kids every now and then

Denki Kaminari

All for everything! He is there to have a good time and try everything! He’ll eat all the food, try all the games and lose every time. But he’ll have a good time! He’ll bounce between friend groups and who he hangs out with because he wants to make sure everyone else is also having as much fun as he is

Will get a giant ice cream cone and have to share some it with someone because he’s already eaten so much fried foods that he might burst. Will probably give the rest to Sato because he can pack away sugar like nobodies business!

Ejiro Kirishima

He always has a good time! But now it’s have a good time AND get to run around a fair! He is on every ride, biting into every food, and trying to play every game. The only game he is actually good at is where you throw the dart to pop the balloon. No one believed him until he won the biggest prize from that game and beamed brightly at everyone, “Told you I was the best!”

Could eat fried food all day! He’s going to try it all but he gets into an eating contest with Bakugou to see who can eat the hottest pepper and not cry or break into a sweat…. He hardcore lost that game, better luck next time Kiri

Koji Kouda

He is quiet and shy so usually you’ll find him in the petting zoo cuddled with a bunch of ducklings and whatever other baby animals are there, people sometimes mistake him of a fair worker and ask him questions about the animals and he gets very flustered

He isn’t very good at carnival games and is not one for rides so he’ll just wander around the food stalls with Sato usually and take a bite of a couple things here and there. He doesn’t have a super sugar sweet tooth like Sato so he usually just carries around the things Sato buys when his hands get too full

Rikido Sato

If he’s at a carnival you better believe he’s at the game where you slam the hammer down and ring the bell. He likes to flex and show off a little sometimes and that’s when he can because he wins that game easily

Food stalls are where you’ll usually find him though. He likes trying all of the weird festival food and bringing back many sweets to have in his dorm, there are just so many and so little time! So for weeks on end after the festival if anyone is craving cotton candy they know just where to go!

Mezo Shouji

Pro at the game where you throw the ball and knock down the bottles. Wins literally every time he plays. But he’ll only ever play if someone asks him to help them win something. He doesn’t need the prize, so if it’s up to him he’ll leave it for somebody else to win

Carnival food is a hit or miss for him. It’s either really good or sorta bland. If he has the option to stay in his dorm instead of going he would rather stay in his dorm. But if everyone wants to go he won’t complain and have a good time

Kyoka Jiro

Is at the karaoke tent with Present Mic, just not singing nearly as loud. She jams there for the majority of the night until she meets up with Momo to have a good time at the carnival games! She isn’t super good at any of the games, but Momo is a beast! How did she even learn to play all of these games?!

She’ll try a few carnival foods but nothing too greasy. She isn’t a super fan of any of the super greasy foods because it’ll make it harder to sing correctly. Or so her dad has told her, he might have just been trying to keep all the greasy food to himself all those years…

Hanata Sero

He likes the rides and the exhibits but that food is something he will NOT be putting in his body! He likes his healthy food and the grease from the food makes his tape less sticky! So keep it away from him!

Likes to pretend he’s really good at carnival games but anyone who has watched him try them knows he is awful! There is no explanation as to HOW he is so awful but he is, keep him away from the dart throwing game!

Fumikage Tokoyami

Is not too fond of how many people are present, but the lights from the festival keep Dark Shadow well behaved for the most part…. Until the candied apple stall appears and he’s over there in a second!

Likes the Ferris wheel because its quiet and he isn’t overwhelmed with people. He also likes to be in high places and see all of the lights spread out below him. It’s peaceful, and that’s what he likes the most

Shoto Todoroki

Never got to go to festivals as a child so this is all new to him. He thinks all the food stalls are sort of funny, why would they all line up together instead of spreading out throughout the festival? But stops overthinking things when Izuku, Uraraka, and Iida come up to him and ask if he wants to spend time with them.

He’ll indulge in a couple festival foods, he loves food. But only go on a couple of rides. He likes the Ferris wheel, everything looks really pretty from so high in the air. And it’s actually kinda quiet up there, a perfect place for a nap….

Toru Hagakure

Runs around with Mina and has a great time! She used to come to these festivals all the time as a child and when she was in middle school! So getting to go again is really fun, especially since it’s with her friends!

Can eat for days! She gets all of the fried foods, downs an entire ice cream and continues to slurp up slushes until it’s time to leave! She doesn’t even throw up when she goes on skinny rides! No one knows how the heck she does it!

Katsuki Bakugou

Thinks it stupid to go to a carnival, yells about it nearly all day, but actually has fun when he gets there. Not that he’ll ever tell anyone that. But he WILL tell everyone that he beat Kirishima in a spicy food contest. Sorry Kiri, you’ll never live that one down

Goes on all the scary rides to prove to everyone he is a badass. Then later thinks that probably wasn’t super smart but oh fucking well! Then he’ll head to the food stalls. He isn’t a super fan of all the greasy food because he likes to make food himself. But he isn’t going to pass up the chance to beat the shit out of anyone who challenges him to an eating contest!

Izuku Midoriya

WILL BUY ALL OF THE ALL MIGHT MERCH!! Do not test him! He needs to expand his collection and this is the perfect time to do it, give him all the festival exclusives! But his fanboying will be cut short by Uraraka saying she wants to go ride rides, and he won’t complain, he likes spending time with her and likes the rides…. Sorta…..Okay he’s a big chicken! But he’ll go on things if others ask him to… He’ll just be really quiet in line and scream during the ride!

Festival food is one of his favorite things because he can’t have it year round, it is only at festivals! So he’ll get some snacks and get some to save for later to share with everybody

Minoru Mineta

Spends most of his time trying to pick up on girls but eventually gets punted across the festival when he tries to look up some girls skirt

Is NOT good at festival games because half of the time he can’t even see over the counter to give the person his money and that doesn’t make him look super attractive so he gives up and eventually goes home

Momo Yaoyorozu

As stated before, a literal BEAST at carnival games! Every single one of them! When asked how she got so good she’ll go into the scientific explanation and everyone just kinda blanks and waits for her to finish until they ask her to play another one and win again!

The fun house is one of the easiest things to her. There has to be a set way to get through it all so she just thinks about it logically unlike many of her classmates that end up running into walls. Everyone is sorta confused if she is actually having fun or not but they see her smiling as she figures out the tricks to the fun house and they know she’s having a good time

Histoshi Shinso

Carnivals aren’t his favorite because they’re too bright and loud. So he’ll most likely end up wit Tokoyami at the Ferris wheel because people will leave them alone if they can’t reach them

Won’t go out of his way to play any games but the one where you throw the ring to land on the bottles always gets him. He wants to be good at it, he just isn’t/ He can’t control inanimate objects, they don’t talk!

Mei Hatsume

She is all over the rides, asking the people running them what all the buttons do, exactly how many bolts are in each ride, can she see how the constructed it, is there a manual she could look at, all sorts of questions for each and every ride worker

Just wants to know how everything runs so smoothly and how things work, isn’t there for anything else.

[negasonicimagines]

The Disastrous Date

F/F/P - Favorite Food Place (My personal favorite is Burger King, their fries are God.)

Also, sorry if you hate Cinderella.

When you and Ellie left the house, Colossus had yelled after the both of you to take proper precautions sexually and to not take candy from strangers.

It was rather embarrassing for both of you; nevertheless, you were excited to be going on a date with the semi-gloomy Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Underneath that sarcastic exterior was a nice person, you were sure.

You’d been proven right. She’d taken you to your favorite place to eat, F/F/P. You knew you’d only mentioned it once or twice to her, if at all.

“So, uh, this is great, Ellie,” You tell her.

“Oh. That’s good. This is good. I agree.”

You smile, used to being the more awkward one.

Suddenly, you hear a distinctly male voice humming behind you.

“So this is love..” He hums. “So this is love..”

“Oh fucking- Wade, what are you doing here?” She asks the man, and you turn around to see the red-suited man you identified as Deadpool. His name is Wade, apparently.

“Mood music. Gotta help this date out. You two sat here in complete silence until this cutie you managed to gank out of singleness managed to pipe up.”

“That- I- Go.”

“C’mon.. I’ve got nothing better to do. Where does this fine specimen you managed to collect off of some obscure planet where everything is beautiful want me to go?”

“Well, uh..”

Ellie continues to glare at Wade.

“Thank you for the compliment. Oh, I feel bad just kicking him to the curb like this. Cinderella was one of my favorite movies as a kid.”

She can’t be mad at you. Ellie hates that she can’t be mad at you. Her mother had always told her that it would be impossible to spend her life angry at the entire universe, even if that’s what she wanted to do.. Even if it was easier. Ellie had thought she was an unrealistic idiot. Then Ellie saw you. She didn’t even know your fucking name at the time. But the world stopped turning, her heart stopped beating, for a fraction of a moment that had taken place in the space between seconds.

And she was stuck on you ever since.

“Well, it looks like it’s been decided, Jelly Bean. Hashtag-Sorry Not Sorry!”

God, at least I’m here with Y/N.

Ellie picks up a fry and continues to eat, bitterly. You join her in the task, though less angry.

“C’mon, it’ll be nice. A soundtrack. It’s like a movie.”

Okay, but Y/N, he’s gonna wanna speak at our wedding now.

She doesn’t say her thoughts, but continues to believe that you’re being too positive about this.

Once the two of you finish eating, you exit F/F/P.

It’s nice. Ellie had planned for you two to walk down to the fair, as it was in town this weekend and while lots of people were going to be there, she knew you’d probably like it.

Now Wade was here. He might not follow you into there. Might not. But Ellie wasn’t in the mood to get banned from the fair because of his antics.

Well, might as well go. She takes your hand and leads you to the fair.

Earlier, in the restaurant, the two of you had bickered over who would pay.

“Please, let me get it. You got the restaurant,” you request.

“But I asked you on the date. Why should you pay?” She asks, and it’s pretty logical. However, you want to be nice.

“Let me be nice and do a nice thing.”

“The last time you were nice on this date we got a third wheel,” she says, gesturing to Wade.

“We’re a tricycle now! Much easier,” you disagree.

She actually snorts at that.

“Okay, well, I’m still paying.”

“No, I’m paying.”

“Jesus Christ!” Wade slaps a wad of cash on the counter, fed up with listening to you two bicker. “Just give us our wristbands and let’s go. Keep the change, we’re trying to get in before the place fucking closes!”

“Thank you,” you tell him quietly, and you think you see him smile under the suit, however impossible it may be.

The two of you follow the older man in as her continues to be a drama queen.

“Now. Door 1, Door 2, or Door 3?” Wade asks you both.

She looks at you. ‘Two?’ she mouths, and you nod.

“Two,” she says.

“Good choice,” he replies before beginning to sing. “What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me no more…” He continues to sing the 1993 Haddaway hit as the two of you look around the festivities.

“The Zipper?” she asks. It’s a large, vertical ellipse that spins, and has similarly-shaped carts that also spin, though not as constantly. Looks a little dangerous.

“I’m in.”

The two of you get in line, accompanied by Wade, both physically and musically.

“The cart only holds two,” the ride manager informs your little group.

“Perfect,” Ellie is actually quite happy with this information.

“See you in a little bit, Wade.”

You actually sound a little disappointed. Once you’re strapped in the ride and moved up, Ellie asks you about it.

“Well, the way I see it, is why didn’t Wade have anything better to do than add music to our date and apparently overpay by a long shot just to get us inside? He’s probably really lonely. And since he’s pretty fucking hilarious, might as well keep him around.”

“Oh. I guess I didn’t think about it that way.” Ellie had always chosen to be on her lonesome. She hadn’t really thought of anyone not choosing to be alone and still ending up that way. But apparently you had.

She holds your hand on the bar, lacing your fingers together.

Once they finish boarding, the ride begins.

You’re half-laughing, half-screaming. Ellie can’t help but join you in your joy. You’re like the sun, and she’s just a planet pulled into your solar system by gravity. Hopefully Mercury, that one’s closest.

Eventually, like all wonderful things, the ride comes to the end.

The two of you, knees spaghetti, wobble off the ride.

“That was great!” you exclaim.

“Oh Christ, look at that,” Ellie says in astonishment. There was a fucking huge rollercoaster. And Ellie seemed more engaged in something that you’d ever seen her. And the giant scary rollercoaster is what she’s engaged in.

Shit, you’re terrified of roller coasters. But she seems genuinely interested in this one. Oh god, Y/N, don’t do it. Yes, you like her, but it’s not worth it.

“We should ride it,” you say.

Wade has moved onto Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years.

“Yes! I mean, uh. Yeah. That would be, uh, good.”

The three of you get in line. This time Wade joins you on the ride.

“You’re scared, aren’t you?” he says under his breath.

“Immensely,” you reply, just as quietly.

“What’s up?” Ellie asks.

“Nothing. He was asking if I had any requests.”

“Oh,” she replies with a nod. The ride begins to click clack on the tracks. You grip the bar tightly, praying you don’t throw up. It wasn’t likely, as roller coasters made you feel more of an empty-scared than a nauseous-scared.

Your knuckles are white, but thankfully, by keeping your eyes closed and your teeth clenched together, you don’t cry.

The ride is over rather quickly, as it’s a fair and not an entire amusement park. They have to get people in and out. You’ve never been more grateful for the shortness of a ride in your entire fucking life. As soon as the bar is lifted for you to get out, you bolt.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N, are you okay?”

“She’s scared of roller coasters,” Wade says matter-of-factly.

“Wade,” you grumble.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why’d you go on a fucking roller coaster if you’re scared of fucking roller coasters?!” She seems almost angry, but no. She was upset because you’d purposely made yourself uncomfortable and therefore made this date an uncomfortable experience and she didn’t even fucking know why!

“It seemed like you wanted to go on it, I didn’t think it would be that bad.”

Wade ‘aw’s. “That’s sweet.”

“It is. Too sweet. Fucking hell, Y/N, you’re supposed to have fun on this date, not be terrified! I planned this all out and it seems like it’s one disaster after another.”

It begins raining, and Wade starts singing Smashmouth’s I’m a Believer.

You laugh.

“It’s not funny! This has been awful! You’re never gonna wanna see me ever again.”

“This has actually been the most fun date I’ve ever had.. So, I doubt that.”

“What?!” She looks shocked.

“Well, I ate at my favorite place to eat. A hilarious guy in a red suit has been singing love songs to set the mood and paid for us to go to the fair. We rode The Zipper, which was fucking awesome, and then we did something that you liked, which, while I was terrified, I didn’t throw up and you had fun on the ride. And then it started raining. Which is great, because it was really hot outside before. So… It’s going well for me. The only bad thing is that you don’t seem to have enjoyed this as much as I did.”

“I- Well, I mean.. I was just nervous that it wouldn’t work out. Because I really like you and stuff. But I had fun. Yeah, I had a lot of fun, too. Looks like they’re shutting down all the rides because of rain, but.. I mean, we can still get ice cream like I planned.”

“Yay! Ice cream!” Wade cheers, and Ellie shoots him a look.

“Thanks again for the wristbands, sucks that we only got to use them for a couple rides,” you tell Wade before he leaves, now knowing it’s time to go. You and Ellie exit together, once again holding hands.

“How come you’re always able to make everything so positive?” she asks. “This has been a nightmare, but you act like it’s paradise or something.”

“I dunno. I guess it’s just easier to find some way to make things positive than to be miserable. It took me a long ass time to get the hang of it, but it’s worth it. I mean.. Con: We’re wet because of the rain. Pro: It’s raining, and I like the rain. Con: We had a third wheel. Pro: He was really fucking funny. Con: Roller coasters are terrifying. Pro: I was riding one with you,” you finish, looking at her. She looks back at you. You look at each other for an uncomfortably long time before your lips meet. “See, that was pretty fuckin’ lit,” you tell her, and she scoffs. “Am I wrong?”

“No, you got me there. Now, let’s get some ice cream.”

“Good idea. Let’s.”

“And then go home so we don’t get hypothermia.”

“Another brilliant idea from the mind of the beautiful Ellie Phimister.” The two of you begin walking, and she actually blushes at that, smiling.

“Aw, shucks, and here I thought you only knew how to frown. Turns out you can smile, too. I like it.”

Oh. She hadn’t realized she was smiling. But of course it’s you that makes her smile. Of course it is. Even if this date was disastrous at first, it was a success.

It begins to rain harder.

“How about we just go straight home? No amount of positivity is gonna cure us of getting completely drenched,” you say.

“Sounds like a plan.. Though, with how my other plans went, we better hurry up before we get ambushed by alien robot ninjas.”

[morgantakestinder]

San Frantastic (or the Longest Date Ever)

This stunning photo of me and Alcatraz is courtesy of Prost and our whirlwind long weekend together in San Francisco. Despite only having known him for a month, I managed to enjoy some of my favourite things with him including Halloween, wine, warm gooey cookies, hotel rooms, Marvel movies, and finally the stunning west coast paradise of San Francisco. Considering that this blog was reignited in this crazy city, I was psyched to come back not too long after, although I can honestly say that until I pulled up to our airbnb I couldn’t believe that I was actually taking this trip with a Tinder date!

Unlike a regular date I’m not exactly sure how to write about this one as I don’t want to bog readers down with the inane details of every uber ride, drink, or sight that we experienced together over 4 days. That sounds terribly boring. So I think I’ll break it down into categories, maybe? An odd way to explain a date/trip but this is uncharted territory for me...

 Sights & Adventures

In only a few short days I felt like we covered a lot of ground. Prost booked us Alcatraz tickets before we got there ensuring that I got to see another creepy prison (I’ve got a thing for desolate places...) that I missed out on last trip. This was fantastic and we spent a large chunk of the afternoon wandering the island while I made more than too many Aussie convict jokes. We also did a fair bit of wandering back on the mainland and watched the city get dark on the pier. Also a new adventure for me, is we checked out the Exploratorium which is basically a kickass science museum and I was science fangirling hard. I found it really sweet that Prost was willing to spend $30 to indulge my science teacher desires. (Also, there is a really great observation deck that made for a pretty cute photo of the two of us...) Back out and about we hiked up Lombard St, which has great views if you don’t care about being able to feel your calves the next day - should have known better than to go to a hilly city with a guy who circumnavigated Manhattan on foot. Many of our other moments together I took right out of my playbook from my not-dates with Wino from my last weekend in SF. I know it sounds a bit like cheating, but if I had all these cute, almost romantic moments then, why not have actual cute romantic moments now that I was properly available. So we did sunset at Baker Beach and stayed until well past dark. And we walked across the Golden Gate Bridge and all the way to Sausalito until we got the ferry back across the windy but stunning bay. I wouldn’t say it was 100% Hollywood movie material but the whole thing was pretty darn cute.

Noms & Bevvies 

Prost and I went for dinner together right before leaving the east coast and he mentioned that he not only was not a picky eater, but also was quite adventurous with food and loved good food so I was pleased when this was 100% accurate. Nothing to ruin a good trip like someone who can’t find anything on the menu or has bizarre dietary requirements. While my last trip to SF was all about wine, this one was all cocktails! We had lovely drinks on a cool outdoor terrace (recommended to me by none other than Ted Mosby from last trip) but the best drink moment was at this piratey, cramped, dark bar that made dozens of cool and delicious rum drinks. I was in rum heaven and we stayed there for hours looking over all the exciting options, including ones with edible flowers. Vibes 10/10. Drinks 10/10. But the indulging didn’t stop there! We also managed to eat wayyy too much ice cream, empanadas, tim tams, chocolate (for breakfast I might add), pastries, fried chicken and waffles, noodles, toast, fried fish, calamari, and prawns, and really not a whole lot of veg... oops, bye diet. We ate a lot of really scrumptious things but a few stood out to me the most. One was breakfast at Bluestone Lane, an Aussie coffee place, that just opened their first west coast location. And when I say just opened, literally we walked in on opening day! It’s one of my locals back home so I was delighted to get a spot on cup of coffee and just chill out of the rain. Prost doesn’t like coffee, but per usual, he indulged my whim with zero complaints. He does however like hot chocolate so at least he’s not anti hot beverage. His coffee behaviour though is really quite odd for a Melburnian though! Our last day we had another breakfast meal at a Southern inspired joint in the Mission and we both were in full brunch mode: drinks, beignets, and full plates of chicken and waffles. Honestly, I know it gets a lot of hype but brunch is clearly the best meal of the day and I also really just enjoyed being able to spend my last meal looking over the table at this really cute bloke I’d been lucky to spend so much time with.  But by far the best meal was at a tiny little fish and chips shop in Sausalito, up the high street, where we sat casually eating fish and chips out of takeaway boxes and drinking beers. I’m not always the “cool girl” but I sure felt like it then and such a low key moment is exactly the kind of date I’m all about.

Moments (The Cute, The Sexy, and The Awkward)

So I’ve talked about the food and the sights and all the lovely things about San Francisco, and that would be enough if this was some kind of mediocre travel blog, but alas instead you’ve ended up reading a shitty blog about a hopelessly romantic pessimist so you get some other weird details added in too. Now one of the best things about meeting someone new is that you get to have sex all the time. You’re both excited, always in the mood, and want to get to know the other person intimately. Prost and I were no exception to this and despite it being a quick trip, managed to push our number into double digits. (This is mainly due to the fact that he was literally waking me up in the middle of the night to fuck, which I had absolutely zero complaints about.) But besides the frequent sex, there was also heaps of hand holding to warm up his absolutely frigid hands, endearing compliments passed back and forth, and those very sweet kisses that tall guys give you on the top of your forehead when you’re wrapped into their arms and flood your brain with dopamine.

Also the first night we got there, Prost arrived in SF before I did and got all checked into our Airbnb. I had wi-fi on the flight so we kept in contact for most of my journey. Knowing that my flight was delayed and I’d be getting in late and exhausted (having been up since 5 am EST that day) he asked me if I’d want to get dinner or if instead there was anything he could go out and pick up so I’d have something to snack on when I arrived. I know it sounds so basic but I was floored by this - what an incredibly thoughtful gesture. Ignoring anything else that happened all weekend, that moment alone reminded me why I’ve been spending all this time with Prost: he’s a really thoughtful, genuine person. 

We also had this totally nerdy night in moment on our last evening. It was freezing out and I wasn’t super feeling like staying out and drinking so instead we headed back to our humble abode and had a bit of friendly competition. We both are big Sporcle players (for the uninitiated it’s a trivia website that has every thing!) and as big travellers we’re both well versed in countries of the world. So we went old school version and set a timer for 15 minutes and tried to name as many countries as possible. Now I’d been talking a big game about this all weekend so you can imagine I had to eat a huge slice of humble pie afterwards when I lost... by two countries, at 168 and 166. To be fair I think that’s still pretty impressive on both of our parts. Prost and I also talked about other trivia bits - US state capitals, European capitals, periodic table elements that have symbols that don’t match their names... I found myself laughing wholeheartedly over silly things, happier than many moments I’ve had in recent months.

That carefree relaxed laughter was a stark contrast so some of the revelations that came up during the weekend, starting with Prost admitting that he’d read some of my other blog entries - like my first moment post Not The One where I lament my heartbreak and then meet the Tradie. This would have been all well and good, I’m not shy about the fact that I choose to share my intimate details with the world, but it was how he followed it up: telling me that he too had fallen victim to a recent heartbreak. It certainly broke my notion of this “by chance traveller.” I didn’t push it in the moment but a day or so later followed up and discovered that rather than coming to America to visit his brother and explore as I’d been led to believe, his original intention was to spend the trip with a Midwestern girl he’d met in Berlin. Unfortunately, this went less than spectacularly and once there it didn’t work out and he found himself rocking up to NYC instead. I was (still am) not exactly sure how I was supposed to react to this confession but I know my first instinct was to hug him as tight as possible and not let go. I certainly can’t understand what this flyover-state gal was thinking, but I know that Prost is incredible and the loss in this situation is hers, whether she knows it now or not. Beyond my true empathy for his situation I’ll admit I found myself a bit blindsided and instantly on guard. Am I just a rebound for Prost? Have I simply been serving as a time/bed filler while he nurses his own broken heart? I’d like to think not but I wouldn’t blame him if it was the case, and in the scheme of things it doesn’t really matter.

I had a San Frantastic weekend and for a change I got to share my travels, with someone I found particularly endearing! And like every other time I’ve found myself at the airport with someone, I was once again terrible at saying good-bye.

[la-appel-du-vide]

Day 13. Today was a day all about spending time with Varvara. ❤️ And it was so much fun. We slept in pretty late after not getting any sleep in Barcelona, and staying up pretty late in Valencia. After waking up, Elina made us al breakfast. It was honestly the worst meal we've had the whole trip. Hahaha oh my gosh, terrible. It was like bagels, with supposedly tomatoes(but they really didn't taste like tomatoes) and this weird meat called jamon... Ugh. Every single bite was a struggle. But when you're trying to be gracious to your hosts, you choke down as much as you came possibly handle, and drink orange juice to clear the taste between every bite. We also had to eat some nasty flan. Good morning to us. 😷 After breakfast, we took Varvara to their building's pool. She kills me because she has a list of rules for us to follow for every activity we do hahaha. For swimming, for example: 1) "First, you have to put on your swimming costume. I have two swimming costumes. One separated and one together. I used to not wear the separate one because I'm fat. But now I'm used to it." 2) "You have to wear sunscreen. It's very important." (Side-note: She let us each have one tiny squirt of sunscreen and that was it hahaha.) 3) "This towel is for sitting only. This towel is for wearing only." She's just so funny. Of course, it was a pretty windy day for swimming. Outside it was hot, but the water was really cold. It took a lot of getting used to. Varvara spent half of the time hating us because she held a grudge at Beach for hiding her ball from her. But the other half of the time, we were friends and we'd play, and throw her around in the water. 😂 I ended up taking a nap on the hot concrete in the sun because I was super cold, and I got so burnt that my swimming suit outline on my body is actually perfect haha. After swimming, we went inside to shower and change. Beach went first, and while she was in the shower, Alexander came to tell me we'd be leaving for the restaurant in 20 minutes. I wish they would tell us about these plans in advance. As soon as Beach got out, I hopped in and tried to take the fastest shower I could, but I still took too long and I think they were mad. On our way out the door, Beach asked Alexander if Elina was coming, and he said she'd been in he car for 10 minutes. Like, look, I'm sorry but we had no fair warning of when to be ready or we would have come back from the pool earlier! But I couldn't very well go out in my swimming suit. It was kind of awkward. They took us to a buffet that kind of reminded me of Golden Corral. They are tonssss of fish and clams and crab, but we stuck to things like fries, spring rolls, salad, and chocolate muffins. 👍🏻 It was good and filling, and the food helped ease the tension a bit. After lunch, they dropped us off at the City of Arts and Sciences with Varvara to see it in the daylight, and then to go explore Old Town. They explained to us how to use the metro, and gave us a metro card. Then we were off! The City of Arts and Sciences really is an impressive area. The architecture of all the buildings is so cool, and it's all surrounded by water. It was cool to see both in the light and at night. It had hardly been ten minutes before Varvara started complaining that she was tired of walking. But the next thing you know, she saw a huge staircase leading up to some upper platforms and she wanted to go. Beach: "But Varvara, you just said you were tired of walking." Varvara: "I said I'm tired of walking. That doesn't mean I'm tired of climbing." Haha she's a salty child. We had to walk pretty fair to get to Old Town, and Varvara really hated it. In retrospect, she probably would have been happier not to come with us haha. She loves us, but does need constant entertainment. Walking around looking at things is so not her style. On the way to Old Town, we stopped at Gulliver Park, so she could play for a bit. It's a cool park based off the story Gulliver's Travels. The playground is Gulliver laying down all tied up, and all the kids playing on it look like the little people who captured him. It was cute. Varvara really loved the big slides. Then we walked and walked some more until we got to Old Town. There was a lot of cool things to see: Valencia Cathedral, the Virgin Mary Square, government buildings and more. Varvara is so much less camera shy than before, and is totally willing to take pictures with you when she's not mad at you. 😂 Her favorite pose is doing the splits in front of us, while we stand behind her. She is so funny. She goes back and forth between hating us and being our best friend a lot. She was really bitter at us for making her walk so far. She would stand in one spot and refuse to move, so we'd have to go on without her until she was scared of getting left so she'd catch up quick haha. We make terrible lesbian parents. 😂 We stopped to get keychains and postcards, and Varvara picked out the postcards she wanted. She is so cute. I wish there was a way for us to talk to her all the time. She needs a smart phone. She found her way into a candy shop, and was so excited to spend the five dollars Beach had given her. She picked out an owl piggy bank full of candy, and then filled up her own bag with candy. Beach ended up paying for it, and letting her keep her five dollars. She was in high heaven. Hahaha. Didn't take long for that joy to end though. 😂 She had been talking about getting ice cream by the Cathedral since we left, so we went to find some. Beach and I picked ours out, and Varvara begged and begged until Beach agreed to let her have two scoops instead of one. The ice cream store employee scooped the first flavor that Varvara wanted, but after she picked her second flavor, the following happened: Employee: "Do you know what that flavor is?" V: "Yes." Employee: "It's pretty bitter. I'm going to have you try it to make sure." Varvara tries it and the lady asks if she still wanted it. Varvara said yes, so she scooped it on the top. After we sat down at the table, Varvara decided she hated that flavor and was bitter at the employee for "not giving her time to say no." Hahaha oh little V. 😂 Brady tried to scoop the top, gross flavor off into the garbage, but ended up accidentally scooping all of it into the garbage. Then Varvara started to cry, she was so upset. So Beach bought her another cone of just the good time, but Varvara sulked and didn't want it. Which made no sense to us haha, oh kids. So Beach shoved it into her hand and we started walking again. Varvara preceded to eat the whole thing, but she told us that she hated it. (; After we had seen all that there was to see in our allotted time, we decided to head back to the metro, since the line that went to their house closed at 10. On the way, we ran into a street performer making giant bubbles. Varvara loved it and wanted to try. There were already some boys attempting, and it wasn't going great for them. Beach and I were just pleading that Varvara would be able to do it successfully because if not, we knew she'd be super mad. The bubble guy came to talk to us, and was really impressed at all the languages Varvara could speak. We were like proud parents. She's adorable. She ended up loving the bubble thing, and doing really good at it. We loved watching her be so happy. I wish she got to do fun things all the time and that her parents didn't suck. She looked so cute in the dress Beach bought her too. 💕💕💕 Then we kept walking, looking for a grocery store so we could buy a card for their family to leave as we headed toward the metro. We got a little lost, and kept having to turn around and walk a lot farther than we initially thought. Then Varvara started getting really upset. "WE ARE GOING IN CIRCLES. SERIOUSLY. WE HAVE SEEN THIS 5 TIMES." "How much longer?" "10 minutes." "YOU SAID THAT 100 MINUTES AGO." She was not pleased haha. Eventually we gave up on finding the grocery store and just set out to find the metro. By that point, the Lind to their house was closed, but Brady at least wanted to ride to the closest stop to their house that we could. Unfortunately, when we looked it up, we found out the closest stop was a 50 minute walk. No way was Varvara going to make it that far. She was already so mad. Beach reluctantly texted Alexander to ask if he'd be willing to come get us. He asked where we were, and then told us where to wait and said Elina would come. It toon us awhile to find the meeting location, but we got there about the same time she did. It was so awkward. You could tell she was irritated she had to come get us, which I thought was so dumb. We just babysat your child for 9 hours and took her to do fun things, yet you're going to act like a witch about driving 10 minutes to pick us up at 10:30? Jeez. The car ride home was a silent and tense one. Once there though, things were better. I could explain the situation better to Alexander than we could to Elina, because his English is better. He mostly laughed it off. Then they preceded to give us presents (two purses - super nice of them and very unexpected) and make us some pasta (that they call dumplings) for a very late dinner. They weren't terrible, except the sauce on them. It was like a Greek yogurt and it was nasty. I had to give all the contaminated ones to Beach. She liked it. Then it was time to for a long night of packing and repacking, and very little sleep, before saying our goodbyes to Varvara and Europe in the morning.

[theliterateape]

Hope Idiotic | Part VIII

By David Himmel

Hope Idiotic is a serialized novel. Catch each new part every week on Monday and Thursday.

LOU FINALLY BEGAN MAKING A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY WHEN HE BROKE THROUGH TO THE CHI STAR, a free daily paper owned by the Franklin News. It was designed to be a newspaper with training wheels in hopes that as the young readers aged, they would make the switch from the free commuter rag to a more mature newspaper subscription. It was the struggling newspaper business’ effort to survive by adapting the drug trade’s tactics; get ’em hooked for free when they’re young.

The Star was a terrible paper. It only had a few actual news stories. All of them were chopped versions of what ran in the grown-up paper that day. A few columnists wrote gently about dating in the city, the local transit authority and Chicago sports. A lot of column inches were devoted to pop culture and celebrity gossip. And there were write-ups about bars and restaurants. This was where Lou ended up.

He pitched a story idea to the food editor to review a popular downtown sports bar, which boasted having the hottest chicken wings in the nation. So hot, in fact, that patrons had to sign a waiver before taking a bite. Lou would eat a full order of the wings without having to ring what was called the fire alarm — a hand bell to signal for a platter of sour cream, ice cream and a glass of milk to cool his mouth. Then he’d set a record on Golden Tee.

The story was well received. The editor liked him and gave him more assignments: Write a piece about the best place to watch the NCAA Final Four tourney. Write a piece about bars that host Wii game nights. Write a piece about that new restaurant in an old Chicago public library that serves a fusion of Greek and French food.

It was nice seeing his name in print again. It was nice knowing that people were reading his words and liking them. His hot-wing story was the most read and emailed for nine weeks straight on the Chi Star website. And Michelle was proud of him, too. She liked that under his byline it read: Special Contributor. She didn’t understand that it only meant he wasn’t considered a real writer of the paper. He didn’t want to burst her bubble.

He was finally busy working. He was running around Chicago nearly every night, hopping from bar to bar, staying long enough at each one just to get the vibe of the place. It took about five minutes to do this. Most places were the same. They all had TVs; they all ran two-dollar PBR specials on Thursday; they all had the best sweet potato fries in town. The restaurants were no different. Each one was doing something that had never been done before, and every head chef had some connection to the television show America’s Top Chef, though not a single one of them had been a winner.

Once he filed his story, each place became as forgettable as the next. And after a couple months, the time and money he spent driving around town and parking for those few minutes or dropping the $2.50 for each CTA bus or El ride was hardly worth the paycheck. The Star wouldn’t even reimburse him for his reviewed meals. He was losing money on most stories. And these weren’t the kind of stories he wanted to write either. The editor didn’t want narrative. While she loved the excitement in his first piece about the wings, she wanted him to write more to the voice of the overall paper. That was, keep it uninteresting. Place. Specials. Clever line about the neighborhood it was located in. That was it. That was modern-day print journalism in a big city.

He had hoped that punching these reviews out would give him a boost to other sections of the rag and introduce him to other editors so that he could work on the stories he actually wanted to work on; even land his own column eventually. But the opportunities were stunted. His pitches to other papers and magazines weren’t being picked up, and Janet Brine at the Inquisitor wouldn’t respond to his emails or phone calls.

Despite the incoming paychecks, he was still desperate for more. The thrill of the byline and the small checks didn’t provide his girlfriend-landlord with her required monthly nine hundred dollars.

One Saturday, while Michelle was at work, Lou had lunch with an old friend from Brushmore. Over tacos, he expressed his desperation.

“I could probably get you a job,” his friend Debbie said. She was an inside sales trainer at ProCore, an online job-listing company. ProCore was hiring account managers, and she thought Lou would be perfect for it. “You have a great personality and it’s a really laid-back, fun place to work.”

“But it’s a sales job.”

“Inside sales job, yes.”

Lou hated sales. He wasn’t good at sales. He was great at marketing, but not sales. Being good at sales takes a whole different kind of weaseling.

“What is inside sales?”

“You don’t go out; you make phone calls from the office. It’s not hard, and you can make a lot of money. Some people, their first year, make more than sixty grand.”

“Sixty grand? In the first year? Set up the interview.”

✶

HE QUICKLY REALIZED THAT GETTING A JOB AT PROCORE DIDN’T REQUIRE MUCH SKILL. To be effective, ProCore needed manpower to make the calls. In sales, the word no is heard far more often than yes, so the more people making phone calls to more potential clients, the better the odds of closing a sale.

He was assigned to a team of nine other desk jockeys and a team manager, a twenty-four-year-old named Brian. Lou was given a cubicle, a headset and a P.C. He was expected to have a minimum of two hours of talk-time logged by the end of each week. Talk-time was calculated by calling and chatting up the companies on the sales rep’s given call list. It may not sound like much, but when the average phone call is only an eight-second-long rejection, two hours can seem impossible. He was also given a financial goal to meet each month. If he didn’t meet his number by the end of the month, he wouldn’t receive a commission. Even if he missed his goal by a dollar, he’d miss out on the commission money. He was, however, promised a base salary of 25,000 dollars a year. After taxes, it worked out to about seven hundred and fifteen bucks every two weeks.

Lou was one of the oldest people employed there. He was surrounded by Big 10 recent grads who flocked to Chicago to strike it rich in the big city before they were thirty. They filled their cubicles with collegiate pennants, discussed their fantasy football leagues at great length and debated over who was more the villain on John and Kate Plus 8. Most of these kids wanted to build a career in sales, and this was a perfect first job for them. The average stay of any desk jockey was two years, though some stuck around to be team managers, like Brian. And while these kids weren’t bad people, Lou didn’t really care for any of them and their standard brand of standard thinking. However, there was one co-worker he stomached and rather enjoyed.

The ink on Leslie Bronson’s bachelor’s degree was barely dry when she and Lou met that summer. She was nice girl with a vicious sense of humor, a small chip on her shoulder and a résumé of bad relationships. She loathed reality TV and found Lou’s general discontent and sharp tongue comforting, entertaining and funny. Her one flaw was that she was a staunch liberal democrat, a real party hardliner.

“It’s blind faith like that, that will continue to destroy this country, Leslie,” he said. “You’re as bad as the conservatives you loathe. You’re not thinking, but feeling because Obama makes you feel good about things.”

“And isn’t that what we need right now? Someone to pull this country together?” she said.

“Of course. Look, I like Obama. He seems thoughtful and reasonable. But we have to question all politicians, all government. The man isn’t Jesus Christ.”

“I don’t believe in Jesus Christ.”

“Why not?”

“Lack of evidence.”

“That’s exactly my point. Come on, Leslie, you’re smarter than this.”

“At least I’m aware of my blind faith. That’s far more than many other people can say.”

“That’s fair.”

Unfortunately, Lou and Leslie were often short on their required weekly call time. Their cubicles were next to each other and their conversations took precedence. But that was the only thing that kept Lou from hanging himself in the men’s room with his mouse cord.

“Hey, Lou,” Leslie whispered while he was on a self-loathing call with a lead. He put his finger up, signaling for her to wait a minute.

“I understand you’re not hiring now. You’ve never hired anyone? Never? How do you… Oh, well, sure, that’s the best way to do it. Hire people you know. That’s still hiring… Well, if you ever need… I will. Thank you. I understand. Not a problem.” Lou pulled his headset off and dropped it on his desk.

“Another sale, huh?” Leslie said, smiling.

“This trucking company has only hired four people since it began. Well, six, I guess. The husband and wife run the place, and the four drivers are cousins. He actually told me to go fuck myself.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. But it was the nicest I’ve ever heard anyone say it. I think I even thanked him.”

“I have a problem,” she said.

“What?”

“The Tenant wants to have dinner. Aaaaaand I’m pretty sure he wants to get back together.”

Lou was one of the oldest people employed there. He was surrounded by Big 10 recent grads who flocked to Chicago to strike it rich in the big city before they were thirty.

The Tenant was Leslie’s ex-boyfriend. By not using his actual name, she de-humanized him, which helped her get over the heartbreak of it all a little quicker—a smart move emotionally. They dated in college and moved to Chicago before splitting up for petty reasons, some of which being Leslie always leaving the lights on in rooms she wasn’t using and the Tenant never doing any grocery shopping. She moved out, unwilling to stay in their once happy home and let him stay at the apartment, though only her name was on the lease because his credit was so terrible. And since he wrote checks to her for the full amount of the monthly rent, enabling her to pay the landlord, he became the Tenant.

“If he’s buying, take the free meal,” Lou said. “You don’t have to get back together.”

“What if I want to?”

“I don’t think this guy is bad news. I think you’re both idiots. But here’s the thing, Leslie, stay young. Stay single. You won’t ever have relationship problems if you never have relationships.”

“That might be the most terrible but intelligent advice I’ve ever received.”

Despite the work friendship he had with Leslie, Lou hated going in to work every day. Even when he tried, he sucked at his job. He lacked that sales-weasel gene needed to close the deal. But he needed the little bit of money and the health benefits. Luckily, from the first day on the job, the company totally covered this benefit for every employee. Not a single cent was taken out of Lou’s seven-hundred-and-fifteen-dollar paycheck for healthcare.

Still, he was in career purgatory. But he figured it would be temporary. He regularly reminded himself that he only had to stay there until he found a gig doing what he really wanted to do. And when his first paycheck came, Michelle insisted he take them out for a nice dinner to celebrate. By the time the dessert menus were delivered, she was accusing him of giving up on his goals, and her pride turned to disappointment.

✶

ON THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF MOVING TO CHICAGO, Lou and Michelle designed a nice evening out. The plan was to eat at the newest and far-too-popular West Loop restaurant owned and operated by a currently acclaimed celebrity chef. It had a three-week-long waiting list. It was as if the entire city of Chicago were rock-hard for anything this chef touched.

Lou never bought into hype, especially hype over restaurants. He’d worked in too many, wrote about too many. Besides, his business was all about hype. He was a hype cog, a journalist (and momentarily an inside sales rep) who kept the buzz buzzing. He knew it was all bullshit. Was this chef’s restaurant going to be good? Probably. But the thing about all delicious food, like most things in life, is that it will eventually turn to shit.

But Michelle was a believer like the rest. So after dining, they’d head to their favorite fancy hotel bar for martinis and champagne. This evening was entirely Michelle’s idea—as they all were. She made the reservations a month before so when Lou suggested they celebrate with a quiet night in, just the two of them, she would be ready to spring the plan on him.

“We can have L ’n’ M O.P. time any time,” she said. “You always cook me dinner. Let’s make the night special.”

“Come on, Michelle. I don’t want to share our night with the other idiots in the city. What if the service is bad? You know there’s never bad service at home.”

“Why don’t you want to celebrate?”

“I do want to celebrate. But you know, money is still tight for me.”

“That’s not the kind of thing I want to hear.”

“But it’s true. You want me to lie to you?”

“It’s not attractive to me that you’re still hurting financially. I want to be taken care of. You have a job. I don’t know why you aren’t making more money already. I thought you could make sixty grand in your first year.”

“I’m doing the best I can.”

“Fine. I’ll get dinner; you can pay for the drinks.”

It would be a pricey meal, but the way the two of them drank, the bigger bill would land with Lou. However, the celebration never happened. Instead, Lou got a call from his brother just before the end of the day at work.

“You need to come home,” Aaron said.

“Why?”

“Max is dying.”

The family dog was a fourteen-year-old Britany spaniel. He had cancer in his jaw. It had been there for months, but it was decided that operating would be too hard on the old boy, so it was just best to ride it out. Mostly, Max was fine during those months. You know, as fine as any old dog ever is—slower, sleeping most of the day, but happy and full of love. Thrilled at the idea of going on a car ride. The kind of positive outlook and simplicity that served all dogs and would serve mankind well if we were only so inclined to be more like our best friends.

“What’s going on?” Lou asked Aaron.

“He’s just lying on the bathroom floor. His mouth won’t stop bleeding. I’m trying to stop it with toilet paper and stuff, but it won’t stop. He won’t move. You need to come home.”

“Call the vet. I have dinner with Michelle, Aaron. I can’t come home tonight.”

“Your dog is dying, Lou.”

Canceling with Michelle wasn’t easy. “Are you sure he’s dying? Really?” she said on the phone at work.

“I don’t know. It sounds bad. Mom is going out there tonight, too. We may have to put him down. I should be there.”

“We won’t be able to get back into the restaurant for I don’t know how long.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. It’s just bad timing.”

Lou got the okay to leave work an hour early and rushed to his childhood home as quickly as he could. He was terrified at the idea of likely having to watch his sweet, old dog die, but he was too frustrated with the guilt Michelle put on him for canceling dinner to really embrace it. If he had had his choice, he’d have much rather been sad about Max than angry about Michelle. When he arrived, Max was right where Aaron had said he had been.

“Hey, buddy,” Lou said when he walked into the bathroom. Max lifted his big brown eyes to look at Lou, and his little nub of a tail wagged just enough that Lou knew Max was happy to see him. There was dried blood on the bathroom tile. Aaron came in with a handful of bloodied toilet paper.

“See?” he said.

No one spoke on the short ride to the vet. Benjamin drove with Sarah up front, while Lou and Aaron sat in the back with Max lying across their laps.

Benjamin arrived home from work shortly after Lou; Sarah was there an hour later. She hadn’t been back to the house or seen her dog in a while and was visibly shocked at how old he looked. She cried. Benjamin’s parents Abraham and Adina lived next door. Max was as much their dog as anything. And Max loved going to Pop and Grams’ house. They came over, too. It was decided that Max should be put to sleep the following morning. Benjamin made the appointment with the Brushwood vet.

They were able to get Max upstairs, and he curled up to sleep in his favorite spot between the wall and Benjamin’s bureau in his bedroom—the one he used to share with Sarah. Benjamin and Sarah slept in the bed. Lou and Aaron slept on the bedroom floor. And that night, for the first time since Lou left for school in Las Vegas, the family was back home, together again.

In the morning, Max seemed to feel better. He was moving quicker and his mouth had stopped bleeding. As the rest of the family showered and readied themselves for the trip to the vet, Max walked all over the house sniffing every corner. It was like he knew. Like he was doing one last sweep to make sure everything was okay before he goes.

Outside, it was sunny and warm. Max could never be let outside without being secured somehow, lest he would shoot off like a rocket down the street or through the yards in search of a rabbit or a gigantic mud pile. But that morning, he calmly walked out of the front door and stood in the driveway’s sun for a moment before resting under the large crabapple tree that straddled the two Bergman yards. Pop and Grams came outside.

Pop leaned down and patted Max on the head. “You’re a good dog. You’re a good, good dog,” he said.

“What am I going to do with all of those milk bones you haven’t finished?” Grams asked Max. Then she patted his head and turned to go back inside of her house. She wiped tears with her sleeve. Pop wiped his with his handkerchief.

No one spoke on the short ride to the vet. Benjamin drove with Sarah up front, while Lou and Aaron sat in the back with Max lying across their laps. They all were petting him when the vet administered the poison, and they all choked back wails when the vet said, “He’s passed. I’ll leave you with him, if you like.”

Benjamin, Sarah and Aaron all kissed him on the top of his head where he had a small brown spot that looked like a little yarmulke, which was what the family called it. It was a bulls-eye for kisses. The three of them filed out of the room, Lou stayed back.

Max was the closest thing to Lou to ever die. The death of a pet is never easy, and Lou felt an unfamiliar and deep emptiness in his gut. He stroked his dog a few times and said, “Okay, Max. I’m going to miss you. I hope you feel better now.” Then he kissed him on the yarmulke and said what he always said when he left Max, “Be good, boy. I love you. Be good.”

Lou caught up with the rest of his family in the parking lot. His mom and brother were holding each other and crying. His father, a man who Lou saw cry only once before at his Bar Mitzvah, sat down on the parking curb and bawled.

Max was more than just a dog. He was a symbol of simpler and happier times in the Bergman home. The reality of the broken family was now ever-present. Sarah had moved out. The divorce was final. Lou no longer lived there. Aaron occupied the rooms and hallways like a shiftless zombie, uninterested in everything including human flesh. And now the family dog was gone. Max was the one thing through all the years that had remained constant and good. Max always loved. Always played. Always needed to be loved by Benjamin and Sarah and Lou and Aaron and Pop and Grams. And when Lou and Sarah moved out and Aaron was at college, it was just Benjamin and Max in that quiet house. Max and Benjamin had always been there for each other when everyone else had left for good or bad reasons. But now Benjamin was on his own. The familiar and comforting sound of Max’s tags rattling on his collar as he ran downstairs to play or be taken out would never be heard again. The Bergman family home would never be the lively and happy home it was. And all evidence of it was difficult to find. As his father cried in a heap in the vet parking lot, Lou realized that his father was mourning the loss of the dog and of the family. And so, too, would Lou.

✶

A FEW WEEKS LATER, BENJAMIN WAS DOWNTOWN CLOSING A NEW REAL ESTATE DEAL. He and Lou met for lunch.

“When are we burying Max’s ashes?” Lou asked his father.

“I don’t plan on burying them.”

“What do you plan on doing with them then?”

“Right now they’re sitting on his favorite chair in the living room. I put a toy of his next to them. He loved sitting in that chair and looking out of the window. And always with a toy at his side.”

“But we have to bury the ashes, Dad.”

“And just where would you suggest we bury them?”

“What about under the crabapple tree? That way he’s close to both houses.”

“And what happens when I sell the house?”

“What?”

“What happens when I sell the house? Do I dig him up and take him with me?”

“Are you planning on selling the house?”

“Not right now. But someday, maybe.”

“No. You leave him there. That was his place.”

“He should be at home. That was his place.”

“What about cemeteries?”

“What about them?”

“We have a huge family plot that you’ll likely be buried in. But you never lived there.”

“I feel better having him there, at home. It’s hard. You don’t know what it’s like. You don’t live there, Lou. You don’t know what it’s like to not hear him snore in the night. Or to not see him lying in that chair. Or to not have to be mindful of taking him out in the morning or at night. Or to not have him follow you around the house just because he wanted your company. He lived in my house, and I will decide what to do with his ashes. And for right now, for right now, they’re just fine on his favorite chair.”

“All right, alright, Dad. I’m sorry. Keep Max on the chair.”

There was an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes while they picked at their French fries.

“Pop went to the doctor last week,” Benjamin said.

“Okay.”

“He has lung cancer.”

“But he smokes pipes.”

“Well, I guess you can get lung cancer without ever smoking a cigarette.”

“Okay. Any other breaking news to brighten the day?”

“Nope. Just that your grandfather has cancer. And he’ll probably die.”

“Okay.”

When they both declined water refills, the waiter set the check down.

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII

[kingsoftheweb-blog]

Top 5 Things We Discovered at The EX (CNE Toronto) 2019

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Top 5 Things We Discovered at The EX (CNE Toronto) 2019

The EX – CNE Toronto 2019

It’s not just an experience – it’s a FEELING

Yes, it’s that special time of year again. As the summer comes to a close (sorry, we had to mention it) anticipation grows as Torontonians get ready for the Canadian National Exhibition (aka-CNE or The Ex). No matter what name you choose, there is often a nostalgic feel that comes along with it. Ask any Torontonian what the summer means to them.  Besides the fact that it’s short-lived and humid, you will often hear a common phrase “summers are simply not complete without spending at least one day at the CNE”. And for good reasons.

It’s safe to say that most of us who were born and raised in the city, grew up with The Ex. I myself, remember my first experience very vividly, and it is deeply ingrained in my memory. I must have been no older than 10 years old, heading to the CNE with my mother, via the TTC subway. We rode in the front car, sitting right at the front seats (it’s the best view, of course). I was beyond excited, so the 30min train ride felt like an eternity! However, I didn’t really know what to expect. All I knew was what my mother told me beforehand, which was “the food is amazing, the rides are fun, and there are A LOT of games”. I quickly found out, she was telling the truth.

In addition to the fact that I had a wonderful and positive first experience, it was the start of a feeling. A very personal and intimate feeling of what the summer signified for me. Fast forward many (many!) years later, and I still find myself visiting the CNE almost every year.  Did you know that the CNE hosts 1.5 million visitors, annually? And I am certain most of them (just like me) have stories to tell, with the same nostalgic feeling.

Views from the CNE – The Toronto Skyline

Tell me more

The Canadian Nation Exhibition is short-lived. Some people complain that it’s not long enough, but I feel it’s one of the things that gives it appeal. This year in 2019, the CNE runs from August 16th to September 2nd. Expect to pay $35 for parking, and $19.99 for general admission (14-65yrs). Costs include ground admission and shows (games, rides, food, ect is extra). If the cost of parking is hard to swallow, you can always take the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission) for $3.25 adult fare (kids are 12yrs are free).

If you’ve never been to The Ex, you’re in for a real treat (no pun intended). The Ex is famously known for a few things. If your taste buds are feeling brave, you will find lots of “exotic”, weird, and downright crazy foods and snacks. If games and prizes are your thing (gigantic Panda stuffy, anyone?), the CNE will not disappoint with hundreds of games at your fingertips. Bringing the kids? They are sure to be entertained with plenty of rides. Have a shopping itch that needs to be scratched? That won’t be a problem with over 4000+ retail exhibitors. And we simply cannot forget to mention the MASSIVE number of vendors selling everything and anything you can think of (and can’t think of!).  You are sure to feel the contagious happy vibe under the Torontonian skies.

This year, my husband and I ventured to the CNE for a fun-filled day of good weather, tasty (strange) eats, lots of laughs, and a massage chair (will explain later lol).

Now let’s get to the list …

TOP 5 THINGS WE DISCOVERED AT THE EX

The EX is an Epic Multiculturalism Hub

Endless Food Supply

Cash is King at the CNE

Good Shoes is a MUST

Vendors and Online Businesses Galore!

1. The EX is an Epic Multiculturalism Hub

The CNE – “Canada’s largest community event and one of the top agricultural fairs in North America” – is located in Toronto, Ontario. With a population of 2.8 million, Toronto is considered to be one of the most diverse cities in the entire world.  Enter through the tall gates, and you will automatically notice people from all different social and ethnic backgrounds. At The Ex, everyone is welcome and discrimination is non-existent.

The welcoming atmosphere is extremely apparent when visiting the International Pavillion. This marketplace is MASSIVE, coming in at around 110,000 square feet. If you really want to absorb everything this market has to offer, be prepared to walk (a lot). Featuring “treasures” from all around the world, you will see a vast assortment of clothing, food, jewellery, hand-made crafts, furniture, statues (just to name a few!). I was particularly biased towards the cool Egyptian booth. I mean, who could resist a small Pyramid figurine? Actually, my husband is Egyptian, and so I regard Egypt as my second home.

After all that walking, you might have worked up quite an appetite. Experience “tastes around the world” at the Toronto Star Food Building. Resembling a giant food court with at least 100 food stands, you can choose from a variety of international cuisines such as Indian, Lebanese, and Jamaican. The food building accommodates all food preferences, including vegan, halal, and gluten-free. Which then leads me to number 2 …

The Egyptian Booth at the International Pavillion

  2. Endless Food Supply

CNE is undoubtedly known for its’ food, food, and more food. Did we mention food? The grounds are literally swarmed with food stands, food trucks, and food vendors, selling any type of food you can dream of. It can be pretty overwhelming, but also mesmerizing (and mouth-watering!). I wish I was exaggerating here. In fact, you won’t be able to walk 10 feet without coming across a delectable treat. Speaking of which, every year the CNE introduces a new list of “crazy” foods. Some of the foods on the wacky list includes cotton candy tacos, apple cheesecake poutine, frozen spaghetti, pickle pizza, and pickle lemonade. If you’re feeling adventurous and looking to stimulate your taste buds, you’ve found the right place to do it.

Everyone who visits the CNE on the regular, has at least one or two (or three+) food items that they MUST eat before the day ends – NO EXEPTIONS. This is serious stuff, people. With that said, you will come across people that fit into one of these 3 categories, without fail:

THE REGULARS (aka- boring eaters) – they will eat the same food every year, and only indulge in the foods they know and prefer. They are not up for trying new foods. They take the safe and comfortable route.

 THE EXTREMISTS (aka- yolo eaters) – you know that “wacky” food list? It has their name on it. They make it a life mission to try every single weird food available to them. They will often be found in large groups (they need lots and lots of witnesses, pics, and vids).

THE BALANCERS (aka- cool eaters) – they will always eat their favourite treats, while introducing 1 or 2 new foods that they haven’t tried before. The new foods may or may not be on the crazy food list. They like to live on the edge, but only a little.

If you’re wondering what we ate, our menu consisted of: corn dogs, curly fries, Jamaican Jerk chicken and rice, waffle ice cream, Krispy Kreme donut burger, Tiny Toms donuts, chicken fingers on a stick,  and pickle pizza. My husband and I shared and

sampled everything! It feels good to know I’m partnered with another foodie. So, I have a food confession to make. Every visit to the CNE must include my absolute favourite waffle ice cream ( I WILL NOT leave the premises until I get it). Every other food is negotiable, however I do like to indulge in new foods that tickle my fancy. This year, it was the pickle pizza and donut burger.

The pickle pizza is actually delicious, believe it or not. The fusion of flavours worked extremely well, and the dough was INCREDIBLE. The donut burger, you ask? Meh, not a big fan. First off, we found the Krispy Crème donuts to be stale (you know stale buns ruin the entire burger). The burger patty was very tasty, however it was overshadowed by the sweet, sticky, stale donuts. I am all for sweet and salty mixes, but this one was an epic fail. Sorry.

One last word of caution: be prepared with comfortable clothing (you will regret tight waistbands) AND cash. Unfortunately, the majority of the food trucks, vendors, and stands, only take cash as a form of payment. Which the leads me to number #3 …

3. Cash is King at the CNE

If you hate carrying cash these days, you better love it at the CNE. One unfortunate thing we encountered was the lack of interact machines in the Toronto Start Food Building, and most of the food stands/trucks. You will see signs that say ‘Cash only’. This includes all the games (unless you purchase ticket coupons). It would not have been such a big deal, except for the fact that we didn’t expect it and were clearly unprepared. Luckily, you will find plenty of ATM machines around, so no worries. However, keep in mind the ATM fees have a charge of $4. Bringing cash with you before you enter the CNE grounds, and avoiding the ATM machines, would be the better (cheaper) option.

Speaking of money, unless you plan on just walking the grounds without spending a dime, the CNE can get quite costly (this does not including the entrance fee or parking). The truth is, the temptation to buy is high. There is just so much to see and do (and eat!) that it can be easy to get carried away. Be warned – the indoor and outdoor markets and shopping pavillions can be a dangerous trap for shopping. And it starts out quite innocently. You will go into one of the buildings with no expectation to buy – simply to just “look around”. And before you know it, you have decided a jacuzzi is a necessity in your life, and you must own one. We didn’t get a jacuzzi (maybe next time) but we DID end up buying a massage chair pad. I mean, can you really blame us? Those things are life-changing.

You probably won’t end up buying a massage chair, but the odds of spending money on food is pretty big. An average meal at the Toronto Star Food Building is $10 or more. Even a “cheaper” alternative like pizza or fries, can set you back $8. Treats and snacks from the outdoor food trucks or stands are also around $6-$10. A bottle of water or pop is $4. The point here is, it all adds up pretty fast if you’re like us and eager to sample all the goodies.

Money rules – cards drool

4. Good Shoes is a MUST 

The EX is hosted at Exhibition Place – a 192 acre site, beautifully situated along Toronto’s waterfront. Here is a quick link to the CNE grounds map.

We arrived at the CNE at 12:15pm, and didn’t leave until 7:30pm. During these 7 1/2 hours, we did a whopping 22,000 steps! (the step counter watch does not lie).  It was safe to say we walked the entire CNE grounds more than once. We even ventured to Ontario Place, just to get a breather from the congestion of people and noises.

The weather at this time of year in Toronto is very warm and sometimes extremely humid, so you will want to dress appropriately. The best attire will be light and comfortable, with REALLY GOOD walking or running shoes. If you plan on spending the day here, it is an absolute certainty that you WILL be walking A LOT. The last thing you want is a painful foot blister or rash, or even Plantar fasciitis. This will literally ruin your entire day, so be wise with your shoe choices!

By the end of the day, we were completely exhausted. Our lower body had gotten a nice little workout, but it was sore as heck! It’s been 3 days since then, and we’re still recovering. Bottom line: WEAR GOOD SHOES.

  You will walk a lot ! Don’t say we didn’t warn ya!

5. Vendors and Online Businesses Galore!

The number of vendors or “Retail Exhibitors” this year was astonishing! The Ex featured 4000+ vendors, located in several indoor pavillions (buildings) and outdoor markets. Most of the vendors were “small businesses”, offering unique products or services. They seemed to project a very outgoing, friendly, and social vibe. However, some of them were a little “pushy”, and very eager to sell their merchandise. Nonetheless, we found it extremely enjoyable to walk amongst these lanes of small shops, browsing the plethora of goods. We would most definitely agree this was our favourite thing at the CNE.

Upon speaking with some of the vendors, we learned that more than half of them did not have a website for their business! This is an astonishing figure, considering online precense is EVERYTHING in this day and age. Let’s put it this way, if you’re not selling/promoting your business online in 2019 and beyond, you are really missing out.  We then asked if they were interested in or would consider having a website for their business. Most of them expressing similar concerns “I don’t want to be bothered” “it’s too hard to maintain or update” or “we don’t understand how it works”. These are all legitimate concerns. For a new (or even existing) business owner embarking on the first website journey, it can be overwhelming and even daunting.

Then we started explaining to them how easy the process can be if you choose a good website design and development company. Not to mention how relaxed you can be once the website is live, with a company that “has your back”. Rest assured, Kings Of The Web is that company – we take care of everything! And so a lot of the vendors we spoke with got very hopeful and excited. Some of them even signed up for a website package, and others promised to sign up once they had more free time, after the CNE was closed. All in all, we were happy to spread the word about Kings of the Web; we are proud of our website design and website development company, and we have A LOT to offer!

Sure we bought a massage chair pad (don’t judge), but we came out with so much more. If you’re a business that does not have a website, we encourage you to consider (or reconsider). We simply cannot stress this enough, ONLINE PRESENCE IS EVERYTHING in this digital age.  There can never be enough exposure for your products and/or services, and the internet is THE BEST platform for it.

That’s a wrap, folks! We look forward to CNE 2020, with new foods, new fun, and a new top 5 list.

And here is an extra goodie – A 10 mins footage of our cne toronto 2019 tour

[itsawonderfullifewithz]

Z’s Vegas Birthday in 2010

Z. was not seated next to me on our trip to Las Vegas. She was stuck in coach; while I got upgraded to first class, obtained from my frequent flier miles. The lush and roomy seat where rested my ass came with the guilt of knowing that my wife was getting a lesser experience.

With that said however, I felt like I did not belong. I felt like Forrest Gump in a Jeopardy tournament. The guy seated next to me looked like he traveled first class exclusively. He was a loudly posh black man wearing a well-pressed suit while his rolex watch and golden cufflinks sparkled with a shameless swank . I was wearing faded jeans and a hoodie. He looked like a million bucks while I looked like minimum wage.

After picking up our one piece of shared luggage from the luggage claim, Z and I took a taxi.  Perhaps our cab driver used a quicker route than a scenic route, but I remember not being that awed by the famous Las Vegas lights. Unlike our Anniversary in New York, thankfully, I did not puke.

We checked into our hotel, the Aria, which at the time was less than a year old. The lobby was both luxurious but also very modern. From what I could tell, instead of using traditional computers to look up your reservation, everything was done with a touch screen tablet.

When we got up to our room, that’s when Z. and I got excited. Our large window overlooked the city at night. Vegas was indeed the Disneyland for adults. We both washed up and headed out to experience the Vegas nightlife.

Having only pretzels and a fruit cup on the airplane, Z. and I were both hungry. Not knowing where to go, we looked for something fast and cheap. In my mind, I was looking for an In-and-Out burger since we didn’t have those in the midwest.

We hit the strip, skipping along and taking pictures in between, only to be interrupted on occasion by men handing out fliers for escorts.

While walking across the many arching bridges that let you travel from one side of the strip to the other, we saw a Pink’s hot dog stand. Prior to going on this trip, Z. and I watched a lot of Travel Channel, where Pink’s was once featured. We were aware Pink’s in Hollywood, but we  were unaware of the one in Las Vegas. We sat down and ate the most decadent of hot dogs. I ordered the Planet Hollywood dog with melted cheese, onions and bacon. While Z. ordered the Vegas Strip dog with bacon, relish, tomatoes, onions, and chilli.

After humbling our rumbling stomachs, we headed back to the hotel. Yet, with her ever predictable sweet tooth, Z. suggested we get coffee and dessert at the Cafe Vettro located in the lobby area of the Aria.

We sat down and  the friendly waiter asked if we were here for a special occasion. I told him that her birthday was tomorrow. Confession, while I did enjoy the hot dogs at Pink’s, the particular order I had also acted like a laxative...

After coming back from the bathroom,  I saw Z. smiling and staring at what looked like a brown sphere in front of her. It was a cheesecake with a birthday candle in front. 

***

The morning after, I opened the window and saw something I did not expect-- a large mountain over the horizon; the contrast between night and day in Las Vegas astounded me.

Our breakfast that morning was at the buffet downstairs.

After our filling breakfast, we strolled on the strip, stopping by all the famous hotels--The Excalibur, The Luxor, Caesar's Palace, The MGM Grand,  etc.

When we got the Venetian, we took the the gondola ride around the artificial canal. To be fair, I remember visiting Venice when I was studying abroad and it had a distinct odor that this artificial canal lacked.

For lunch, we took a cab off the strip to find some crawfish. Again, taking the advice of Adam Richman of the Travel Channel, we sought out this crawfish place mentioned on his show. Z., being a seafood lover, ate an entire pound of crawfish. 

We finished up the afternoon by stopping by Serendipity to share an order of Frozen Hot Chocolate. 

Once we got back to our hotel room we took a quick nap and showered. Around 7:00-8:00 in the evening we went over to the Bellagio to dine at their world famous buffet.

Tackling an $85 all-you-can eat buffet was something I was really looking forward to this trip. Was $85 worth it? Well, just like anything in life, it really depended on your priorities. Z. hardly ate any main dishes and saved all of her room for dessert. Whereas, I spent the bulk of my belly filling up with the various game meats. In the end, even though Z. and I had packed our plates differently, we both left nearly comatose with food. 

***

We woke up early to catch a bus ride to the Grand Canyon. Admittedly, I’m not much of a nature person. However, having spent most of my life in the midwest, I was really looking forward to seeing the desert. The bus that picked us up was small and our group for the day had three other couples of various ages; Z. and I were the youngest. Our driver took us on a very scenic route, stopping by these small towns like Chloride, where it felt like I was in 60’s western with Clint Eastwood. 

When we got to the Grand Canyon, our driver/tour guide let us explore on our own while he took on nap on the bus. Which was perfectly understandable since he hardly let a moment go by our ride without giving us some trivial facts about the desert and the the history of Nevada and Arizona.

Z. enjoyed taking pictures, while I stood back, afraid I might be one of the three people--on an annual average--who die falling into the canyon. 

Driving back to Vegas from the desert was great, since the night had fallen and the lights went up. Even though we were as far as 10 miles away, the city lights could be viewed from our bus.

Once back in Sin City, Z. and I headed to Planet Hollywood for dinner. Z. had some garlic noodles and I had lasagna with a Los Angeles twist. For dessert, we shared a Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Brownie topped with ice cream. We enjoyed our meal while “Magic” by B.o.B featuring Rivers Cuomo played in the background.

***

Our last day in Las Vegas, just consisted of breakfast at the Hash House A-Go Go. This was and still is, the most indulgent of breakfast orders. Both our orders could have fed a village in Ethiopia. Z ordered the sausage gravy and biscuits with mash potatoes and eggs and I ordered the fried chicken Benedict.

 After breakfast, we went back to the hotel and packed our bags. Our time in Las Vegas was at an end.

Thinking back on it, I’m really glad Z. and I did our Las Vegas vacation during our first year in our marriage. We never had a “dating” period nor did we have a getaway vacation prior to this one. Unlike New York and Paris, this was my first time in Las Vegas so I was experiencing something altogether new with my wife. I look back on those three days fondly since everything to Z. was still new (after being married to me for 7 years, she’ll admit, she’s become more cynical). At the time she was still getting accustomed to living in America. She had no driver’s license or full time employment. And, of course, we didn’t have Xavier. While Las Vegas was sinfully indulgent--although we didn’t gamble--it was just a great time to fully experience life with Z.