#i’m posting this from my phone bc i’m Exhausted so i apologize for the double spacing!!

[drunk-on-writing]

i love women

not just because we are soft in your hands

and soft in our hearts

but because we are living universes

with stars in our eyes and galaxies in our brains

i love how we transcend all of time and space just by being us

i love the way we ignite fires within us and under us

and strive for greatness despite the ways in which the world tries to stop us

i love how, through our tears and blood, we rust into iron

and become even stronger than we already are

i love us

i love women

(cc, 2021)

[painfog]

Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)

ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut

firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️

I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery

for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go

you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while

i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about

that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep

the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it

on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now

get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while

go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week

the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff

when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)

more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)

the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs

i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night

all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah

some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option

ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!

finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕

[aalissy]

Photo Stash

Day 11 is done!! Yayayay!! And I’m looking forward to tomorrow bc I love post-reveal ;). Lemme know what you think of this chapter <3. I love my bebes and their lil photo stashes hehe :D

AO3

“Are you alright, Adrien?” Ladybug peered down at him in concern. Her arm was still wrapped around his waist after she had swung the two of them away from the rushing mob of people chasing him. 

Her warmth brushed against his side and Adrien shook his head to regain control of his thoughts. Clearing his throat once, he stuttered slightly as he rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah, I’m fine,” his gaze shot down to her arm, feeling his cheeks turn a bright red before they jerked back up to her sparkling blue eyes.

Ladybug squeaked, promptly removing her arm as she shot him a weak smile. Her cheeks flamed as she murmured her apology, “S-sorry.”

“No, no,” Adrien chuckled quietly, already missing the warmth of her grasp around him, “It’s alright.”

Shaking her head once, the superheroine shot him a bright smile, “Well, I’m glad you’re alright! I was worried when I saw that crowd of people chasing after you.”

“Well, thank you for saving me,” he grinned back at her before speaking teasingly, “The life of a model can be pretty exhausting when your new pictures get released.”

Ladybug’s gaze drifted away from his own as her eyes took on a more dazed expression. She sighed rather quietly before murmuring almost dreamily, “Oh yeah, those pictures came out yesterday.”

Adrien blinked at her blankly for a moment, wondering if he heard her correctly. His mouth dropped open as his cheeks tinged pink. She couldn’t have said what he thought she said. There was no way Ladybug was a fan of his. The superheroine also seemed to have caught up with what she said. Her eyes snapping to his before they widened in what almost seemed like terror. He gulped once before speaking hopefully, “O-oh, so you saw them then?”

“No!” she shouted quickly, shaking her head forcefully, “I-I’ve just heard a lot of people talking about them. I-I don’t have a photo wall of you or anything. Pfft, that’d be strange,” Ladybug waved her hand in the air as her cheeks steadily grew darker.

A frown creased Adrien’s brow as he tried to figure out what she was saying. All he could really gather was that she didn’t have a secret wall dedicated to him. His tongue clicked as he murmured unconsciously, “That’s disappointing.”

“W-what is?” Ladybug’s blue eyes looked down at him almost fearfully.

“Uh,” his eyes darted around, trying to think of an excuse, “That you haven’t seen the photos yet! Yeah, I thought that they were pretty good and it’d be great to have a superhero for a fan,” he beamed at her as he snapped his fingers together.

The superheroine let out another small squeak and looked at him in wonder. In the next second, though, her expression turned more serious before she spoke, “Um, so did you need a lift home? I-I mean, that is if you’re going home.”

Adrien’s green eyes widened in hope. Ladybug carrying him home. That was an offer too good to resist. He gave her a shy, bashful smile before nodding his head, “If you wouldn’t mind, that is.”

“No, no, it’d be my pleasure!” she beamed back at him in return before scooping him up in her arms. Holding onto her tightly he let her swing them back to his house. Unfortunately, it didn’t take too long for him to be safely back in his bedroom. The trip passed by quickly since he was busy staring up into Ladybug’s concentrated face.

When they had safely landed in his bedroom, Adrien sighed happily, “Thanks again Ladybug for saving me and bringing me back home.”

“It was no problem, Adrien,” her eyes softened as she looked at him. 

Neither of the two moved for a while. Just staring at the other with gentle grins on their faces. He was the one who finally broke the comforting silence, stepping forward to hug the superheroine. Before he could embrace her, however, his phone clattered to the ground harshly. Adrien winced, about to bend down and pick it up when Ladybug quickly picked it up. She nibbled on her lip as she stared down at the phone, “It doesn’t look broken. I’ll just double-check the camera to make sure.”

The superheroine unlocked his phone and slid over to the camera. Well, that was weird. He was sure he put a lock on it. Adrien frowned, about to ask her how she got in when she made another adorable squeak of surprise. His brow furrowed even more as he asked, “What is it? Is it broken?”

“No, I just... um, sorry,” Ladybug shoved the phone back to him, her face a light pink as she avoided eye contact. 

Adrien slowly raised an eyebrow at her before glancing down at the device in his hand. Oh. Oh. She had found his camera roll. Specifically clicking on the album that had many photos dedicated to her. This time, he flushed with embarrassment, stuttering out a reply, “I-I, um-,”

Ladybug cut him off however, her eyes flaring at him in determination even as a bright blush continued to spread across her face, “I lied, before.”

He blinked at her in confusion, “Lied about what?”

“I had seen your pictures before,” she gulped in a harsh breath of air before continuing, “I-In fact, I-I may have them hung up on my wall at home.”

Adrien’s mouth dropped open, his heart pumping wildly in his chest. Was she serious? A wall dedicated to pictures of him. This had to be a joke. Rubbing the back of his neck, he stuttered slightly, “A-are you serious?”

“Mhm,” Ladybug nodded, her lips pinched into a tight line. 

“Wow,” he breathed out. Ladybug had a wall of him. It was a wonder he didn’t pass out right then and there. With a quiet, lovestruck sigh, he murmured, “T-that’s amazing.”

She giggled cutely and he grinned softly at her. The superheroine tucked a piece of loose hair back into her pigtail before nodding, “I-I’m really glad you have pictures of me too. It’s really sweet of you.”

Adrien shook his head to get rid of the haze clouding his thoughts though he was unable to stop his heart from fluttering. Eventually, he spoke, “W-who doesn’t have pictures dedicated to their favorite superheroine?”

Ladybug’s grin widened before she brushed a kiss against his cheek, whispering lightly in his ear, “Still, thank you, Adrien.”

He shivered lightly, chills racing down his spine as one of her pigtails brushed against his shoulder lightly. He looked down at her hazily, “U-uh, thank you too, Ladybug. A-and I’d love to see the photo wall you have of me too.”

She giggled, tapping on his nose gently, “I wish I could. Unfortunately, I have a secret identity to protect.”

“Uh-huh,” Adrien nodded at her dumbly.

Ladybug laughed once again before moving away from him much to his disappointment. She went over towards the window, nibbling on her lip as she peered up at him from beneath her lashes, “Well, goodnight, Adrien. I’m glad we saw each other today.”

“Me too,” he breathed back at her.

Sending the model one last smile, the superheroine swung her yo-yo out of his room, disappearing in a flash of red and black. Adrien let out a heavy sigh, collapsing back on his couch. He rubbed his eyes harshly, blinking up at his ceiling. What just happened?

[merlinhurricane]

Oo! I finally got a prompt idea! first I was thinking a basic coffee shop au for shiniida (since you made me ship them) but then I thought iida probably wouldn’t work in a coffee shop (“somethin somethin *waves hand around* coffee health somethin”) so he probably ACTUALLY works in one of those juice places that are all natural and put kale in your drinks and sleep deprived shinsou stumbled inside and asked for a black coffee and couldn’t understand why the cute barista was giving him that look

oooooh, yes!! thank you, luv. please keep em coming!!

(tags: shiniida, college au, no quirks au, swearing, iida is no mere barista—he’s a fckin Manager check yoself, multiple POVs bc i Can’t Not)

***

Hitoshi didn’t understand what was happening. Why was this man staring at him like he had a third head? Second head, whatever. Jesus, he was tired.

“Sir, we don’t serve coffee,” came the insistent voice behind the counter.

“Why the fuck not?” Hitoshi’s glared blearily at him, eyes burning. What kind of place didn’t serve coffee? Especially a place called “Pep Up”. What was peppier than fucking coffee?

His outrage and confusion must have shown in his eyes because the hapless employee rattled off an explanation about natural and organic juices and healthy body supplements. Hitoshi didn’t need any of that. Rubbing his temples and trying to get the world to come into better focus, he groaned. “Okay, you’re my last resort. Can you just, like, talk to your manager and see if you can rustle up some caffeine for me? I’ll pay extra. Please,” he begged. The prospect of walking further away from campus in search of actual coffee was a daunting one.

“I am the manager.” The man before him affirmed. “And I can assure you we do not have anything caffeinated. Not only does caffeine create a mild dependancy but it is also a diuretic and can have lasting consequences if imbibed on a daily basis.”

“Mm-hm, delicious consequences,” Hitoshi murmured, causing the manager to stiffen in what Hitoshi assumed was disapproval.

“Indeed.” The manager sighed. “I suspect more than caffeine or any kind of energy supplement—” Hitoshi brightened at the word “energy”—“you simply need sleep.”

Hitoshi forced out a hollow laugh and attempted once more to bring the broad shop manager into focus. The lights in here were too harsh, the colors too bright. He should have known it wasn’t a coffee shop. Just about ready to give up on this place and try elsewhere, he turned toward the door.

Somewhere between the decision to leave and the execution, however, there was a disconnect. Instead, he found himself staring at a display right next to the door. It was full of oddly shaped bottles in an eye-searing shade of orange. He suspected he would’ve stayed in that exact spot for even longer if something cold hadn’t been pressed into his hand, nearly giving him a heart attack.

“Wha?” He instinctively shoved away the cold, despite it actually being a bit of a relief to his warm, probably dehydrated skin.

To his surprise the cold lingered, along with an amused huff of air against his cheek. Hitoshi looked up to see Mr. Manager. Dear god, he was pretty. Shoulders for miles, square jaw, baby blues, an undercut—he would have been too overtly gorgeous for Hitoshi to even consider if it weren’t for the glasses (he had a weakness for them) softening his look and the fact that the guy was literally holding Hitoshi’s hand wrapped around a plastic cup of smoothie to keep him from dropping it. “Uhh.”

The smoothie was bright green. Why did everything have to be so bright?

“Kale-kiwi mix.” The manager explained, dropping his hand once he was sure Hitoshi had a good grasp of the thing. “With some other stuff. It’ll help you sleep.”

Hitoshi snorted. Sure, this guy was hot, but Ryan friggin Gosling could’ve handed him this smoothie, and he still would’ve been skeptical about the results. Still... “How much do I owe you?”

The man smiled, a sharp, bright slice of white in his ridiculously handsome face. Oh no. “Free of charge. That’s not even on the menu, so it doesn’t have a price. Just, do me a favor and recycle the cup, okay?” He paused for a moment, mouth curling into an enchanting moue of consideration. Oh no. “Maybe after you get some sleep.”

Dazed, exhausted, and utterly smitten, Hitoshi nodded and wobbled out the door into the night, sipping on his definitely-not-coffee.

***

Hitoshi made it home...somehow. He remembered the streetlights stringing long squiggling tails of illumination across his vision, and that was his Stage 3 sleep deprivation indicator. He was sincerely lucky he hadn’t passed out on the walk back to his place.

On the counter sat his nearly finished smoothie. It had been surprisingly tasty, though the thickness made it feel necessary to drink water before he brushed his teeth and collapsed into bed. He was feeling surprisingly well-rested. At least, he assumed this is what “well-rested” felt like, since he couldn’t recall ever experiencing it before.

Snorting at his sardonic thoughts, he moved to throw away the cup before remembering what the hot manager had said. Technically, he didn’t have to acquiesce to his request—Hitoshi didn’t even have a recycling bin in his apartment. Still, the guy had put up with Hitoshi at Stage 3 and hadn’t even charged him for the damn drink. The least he could do was not fuck up the earth with one damn plastic cup.

Campus probably had some recycling bins, and he had to hit the library to finish his project anyway. Tucking the near-empty cup into the elastic cupholder on his bag, he began the trek to campus.

About halfway there, he realized he’d forgotten to make cis morning coffee. Him. Forgetting coffee. What was the world coming to?

Already mourning the lack of caffeine buzz he’d have later, he stopped in front of the library bins. A list of accepted recyclables and their corresponding numbers wwas posted above the special recycling receptacle. Sighing, Hitoshi pulled out the smoothie cup and checked the bottom for a number, then immediately got distracted.

On the bottom of the cup, written in fine black sharpie was a phone number along with “Pep Up and call me. :)”

***

Tenya had evening shift again, and as he walked in that afternoon, he couldn’t help but be apprehensive. It had been a long time since he’d given out his number, and the few times he had done it this way in the past year, none had used it. Whether that was because they were heathens who didn’t recycle or check the recycling number before they did or if they simply weren’t interested, he didn—couldn’t know. And that was the way he liked it.

The stunned and exhausted man from yesterday had caught his eye first because he was acting...odd. Tenya had watched him standing outside the glass double doors, staring up at the shop’s sign as if it was the best thing he’d ever seen. As if it were a candle and he were the moth. When he’d finally gotten inside, he’d continued to watch as the man’s eyes flitted around the room, intelligence and exhaustion shining there in roughly equal measure. He was built like a rock-climber—slim, tall, long arms and legs, and a bit hungry-looking. Tenya had a history with that look. Tenya would be willing to rewrite history for that look.

Going by the bulging bag and air of stress coming off him in waves, he was likely a student at the local university. When he finally approached the counter, Tenya met a set of pale, violet eyes and lost his train of thought entirely. Thankfully, the man was definitely too out-of-it to notice. He smelled like a combination of moss and coffee, so it was no surprise that he was looking to obtain some of the latter.

Despite his clearly tired state and the shortness of the conversation, he’d managed to make Tenya laugh more than once. What would he be like when he was firing on all cylinders? Tenya wanted to find out.

“You’re a cheeky bastard, aren’t you?” A voice shook him from his reverie, drawing his gaze to the front doors, propped open at the moment to let in both the afternoon breeze and the very man who had been occupying Tenya’s thoughts. A pity his words weren’t more...encouraging, though. He sighed.

The man was shaking a grimy plastic cup in his fist even as he walked up to the counter to confront Tenya. He was amused to see that the guy’s hair stood on end just as much now as it had when he’d first appeared in the shop—which was mostly empty right now, thankfully. He was manning the counter while the current barista was on break. He met those lovely, startling eyes head-on. Time to get this over with then. “I apologize for having offended you.” Why couldn’t he have just ignored his advance and moved on like everyone else? Tenya thought sourly.

“The only thing I’m offended by is your lack of faith in me.” The man’s face was still adorned with dark smears beneath his eyes that nearly matched the irises in color, but his face was more mobile, his voice and gestures more lively. “Telling me to sleep before attempting to throw something away doesn’t show a lot of confidence in my cognitive abilities. Kind of a slap in the face.”

Tenya knew the feeling. “And yet here you are, presumably having slept and still holding a dirty cup,” he commented, voice dry and throat drier. Had he not seen the number then? “You do know you’re supposed to wash them before recycling, right?”

“Who has time for that?” He complained.

“Who carries an empty cup around with them all day just for the sake of argument?” Tenya countered.

The man was just as quick to respond. “Who writes their number on the bottom of the cup? How’s that strategy been working out for you?”

Tenya remained silent for a moment. So he’d definitely seen the number. “...what is this about?”

“Mostly wanted to apologize for probably acting crazy last night. And to thank you. For this.” He held up the cup. It was still frustratingly unclear whether he meant the drink or the number.

Tenya took a chance. “You could’ve just called me.”

He was rewarded with a crooked smile. “Truth be told, I also wanted to make sure I hadn’t hallucinated you.” He leaned against the counter. “You seem like the kind of guy that only exists in my imagination.”

Tenya flushed and looked away to hide how pleased he was. “You’re ridiculous.”

The man just grinned wider and bent over the counter to read his name tag. “Tenya, huh? I’m Hitoshi. Can I buy you a drink?”

—End—

***

[thepatricktreestump]

My Entire World: Tom Holland imagine

A/N: i wrote this one for @fuckyou-imspiderman co-author thingy but i decided to post it on my personal so they can just reblog it from here to keep things easy and so i can see which of y’all are my tom holland stans haha

ask: could you do a imagine were you are the person playing peter parkers love interest in spiderman hoco 2 and it's time for the kiss with tom and you get all nervous. you chose the ending bc i'm a indecisive person and can't chose a ending. thank you - @graceisobsessed 

As soon as you saw the role, you knew you just had to audition. You had been a Marvel fan for literally years, and for as long as you could remember, you found yourself staying up late at night flipping through comics or re-watching one of the movies. You were so close to getting the role of MJ in the first movie, but the director had told you that there was a “slight change of plans” and you were moved to an extra instead. Which sucked. But you couldn’t really be mad, because of all actresses, they picked Zendaya to fill your spot. And well, Zendaya was, Zendaya. So instead, you took a deep breath and grit your teeth, playing as one of the people in the background silently. That was, until you realized that they were coming out with a second movie, and for some reason, she wasn’t available for filming, and they were taking new actresses for the part. You knew deep down that MJ stood for Mary Jane Watson, Spider-Man’s future love interest and wife. That meant extra screen time as the trilogy went on, as well as big bucks, especially now that you’d be filling someone like Zendaya’s shoes.

With lots of luck, you scored the role, beaming ear to ear upon hearing the news. You were ecstatic to be part of the main cast this time around and made it a priority to make the crew proud. You showed up early to script readings and interviews and meetings, being sure that you memorized all your lines and listened to critiques. Working with everyone was so much fun, especially Tom. He was so sweet and lighthearted, had a great sense of humor, and always kept his head up, no matter how many times it took to shoot a scene. Your makeup team was doing some touch ups when he came waltzing over, sporting the red and blue spiderweb covered suit, lazy smile on his face.

“What did you think?” he asked excitedly, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Did you see? I got it in just a couple takes!”

“I saw,” you giggled. “You did really well.”

“They didn’t even have to pull in my stunt double!” Tom explained. “I just- pew, pew, shoot, shoot, roll, roll- you know? Awesome!” He made overexcited hand motions along with his ridiculous silly sound effects, making you only laugh even more. He was like a little puppy bouncing around, wide eyed and eager to tell you everything.

“You did really good,” you complimented. “I’m proud of you.”

“P-proud of me?” he raised an eyebrow, flustered, slight blush rising to his cheeks. “Well gosh, thanks y/n. Haha, you did a really good job too!”

“Thanks,” you give a small grin. “Ready to turn in for the day? I think we have only one more scene to wrap up and then we’re done. Well, until tomorrow. God we have to wake up so early for that one take.”

“Ugh I know,” he groans. “But hey, you’ll be there! And I will too! So we can just suffer together, you know?”

“Whatever,” you roll your eyes, stifling a chuckle. “Come on, let’s get this last scene so I can take a nap.”

Shooting the scene wasn’t too bad, and after a couple of takes, they handed you the parts you’d be doing tomorrow and sent you home. Tom gave you a happy wave before taking off into his ride, and you nodded with a smile, then plopped the script in the shotgun seat and began to drive home. You stopped at a red light, then heard your phone buzz, picking it up and beaming when you read the text. It was from Tom, and he was thanking you for putting up with him during filming today. You laughed aloud as you quickly began to explain to him through typing that he didn’t have to say such things because you enjoyed being around him, then hit send before the light turned green.

There was something about him that you couldn’t help but love. Maybe it was how his laughter was contagious, his smile made your stomach fill with butterflies, and every time he complimented you, your heart skipped a beat. But you could never tell him -or tell anyone, for that matter. It was one thing to have a crush on a celebrity, but to have a crush on a celebrity that you knew personally and were working with? No way. It would be the end for you embarrassment wise, create a weird vibe between your coworker, and if the media got wind of it, millions of articles and tabloids and tweets. It would just be a mess, and you liked Tom too much as a friend to ever lose him just over a silly crush.

You were folding your laundry at home when you caught eye of your phone flashing his name across the screen, requesting for a Facetime call. Sometimes you would text or call, and even Facetime. Especially since you had a lot of shooting time together, you guys had bonded and created a great friendship, so it wasn’t awkward or just business. In fact, you liked to just have conversation or even read through the script for the next day for extra practice. Upon picking up your phone, you found yourself rolling your eyes, wondering what he might want this time, and then accepted it upon fixing your hair in the screen for a couple seconds. “Hey! What’s up?” you greeted, cheery. As much as you sometimes tried, you still couldn’t match his enthusiasm and classic sunshine smile.

“Nothing much. I just had a snack and decided to play some video games,” he explained. He seemed anxious, but you didn’t know about what. “Thought I’d call you up. And you?”

“Folding laundry,” you waved a sweater onto the screen and he smiled.

“By far being much more responsible and productive than I am,” he teased.

“Yeah I haven’t even read the script for tomorrow yet,” you admitted, and that’s when he scratched back of his head, something you realized he did when he was hesitant about something.

“Well uh, that’s kind of the next question I was about to ask you,” he gave a nervous laugh and you raise an eyebrow, curious. Although both of you had already skimmed and read the entire script at the first few meetings before production, you were sure there wasn’t anything to be too nervous about besides certain stunts or tricky scenes.

“Why? Did they change something last minute?” you asked.

“Oh! No, not at all,” he reassured. “It’s just uh, I don’t know, it’s really stupid. I’m like a school boy getting all worked up over this, gosh.”

“Oh,” you turn red at the realization. “It’s the kiss scene, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” he let out another nervous laugh and looks away. “I don’t know, just thought that I’d give you a heads up. In case you wanted to bring me a mouthwash or something tomorrow.”

“Oh shut up,” you laughed playfully at his joke. “You are such a clown, Tom!”

“Sorry, bad joke,” he let out a giggle, something genuine, which made you smile. However, you weren’t at ease at all. The idea of kissing him tomorrow still lingered in the back of your mind.

“So uh, you want to do it in one take?” you offered and he blinked, confused. “I mean, so you don’t have to make it uncomfortable or whatever, I don’t know-” you began to ramble on and he frowned.

“Oh, I mean, I guess,” he stammered. “If you want to, I mean, I wouldn’t want you to have to kiss me any more times than you already have to.”

“Right,” you regretted the word as soon as it left your mouth. No! Now he thought you probably hated him.

“Okay,” he looked a little bummed but clouded it with a fake smile. You felt weird inside. Did you offend him by accident? You cringed.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know this is weird-” you apologized. “I didn’t mean to-”

“No, it’s okay,” he insisted. “Your boyfriend would probably get angry at me anyways. I’m the one who called, I’m sorry I made it awkward, uh, I’ll just talk to you tomorrow. Bye.” He speaks so fast you can barely even respond and before you know it he’s gone.

You sigh, frustrated and exhausted by the conversation. You didn’t mean it that way. And why would he mention your boyfriend? You didn’t even have a boyfriend! Did he know that? The sudden thought came to you. Both of you hadn’t mentioned your love lives, no wonder he was probably so nervous for the scene. If only he knew you liked him, that would make things a hundred times worse. Maybe it was better to fake a relationship, for Tom’s sake. But at the same time, you were so head over heels for him, you couldn’t even imagine being with anyone else.

When you showed up the next day to set, Tom was in a corner on his phone, another nervous tick you recognized he did, avoiding eye contact with others by scrolling through his Instagram. “Hey,” you approached him, swallowing down your anxiety. “Ready for the big shoot today?”

“Yup,” he smiled, looking up from his phone. He looked confident, cheery, happy. Maybe you were wrong about your assumption. “How about you?”

“If I’m honest, I’m kind of nervous,” you admitted. “I haven’t really kissed a whole lot of people before.”

“Well I’m right with you on that one,” he smiled. “So we can learn together, right?”

“Wait. Really?” you tilted your head to the side, confused. “But you’re like, the whole eye candy you know? Girls go wild for you.”

“Doesn’t mean they want to date me,” he shrugged. “No matter how many people tweet that they do, they don’t really know me you know? If that makes any sense.”

“I guess,” you hummed. “But I’m sure even if they did, they still would.”

“Nah,” he shakes his head.

“But you’re funny,” you argued. “And sweet, and handsome, and caring, and amazing, and you’re so much fun to be around and-”

“Guys! Get on set! Time to film!” the director shouted. “We don’t have time to blab! We have to get going!”

“U-uh okay,” Tom stuttered out, still shocked by your words.

You were ushered into your proper places for the makeup and costume crew to get a start on getting you ready and in a couple minutes you met Tom in front of the set where you were about to film. Both of you didn’t say anything except exchanged nervous smiles and stood where they instructed and went over lines until you heard the director tell you it was time to film. A nervous feeling bubbled up inside of your stomach, making you feel queasy.

“Superpowers or not, I still care about you,” you recited the line as you had memorized, reaching a hand up to caress his cheek as the script had instructed. You knew it was wrong to think about it romantically in reality, but you couldn’t help it. You liked him so much you just wanted this so bad, and to finally have it, scripted or not, felt like a dream.

“You do?” his expression softened.

“Of course,” you whispered. “I’ve always cared about you, Peter.”

“I thought you hated me MJ,” he confessed. “I didn’t think that you’d ever-”

“Oh shut up and kiss me, Peter,” you rolled your eyes, interrupting him in perfect time. You were about to lean in for the kiss when the director interrupted.

“Cut!” he shouted. “Hold up, I want some more emotion. Some more action, alright? Tom, maybe some more surprise? Y/n, a little more passion? Okay, let’s take that again.”

You cleared you throat, a bit flustered, then returned to your original position, waiting to hear your signal. “Superpowers or not, I still care about you,” you repeated the line, staring into his eyes, putting a hand up to reach his face when he surprised you, catching your wrist.

“Scripted or not, do you care about me?” his expression softened once again, but this time, much more genuine.

“W-what?” you stuttered, taken aback.

“Cut! Hey guys, not on the script!” the director called out, but Tom shook his head.

“I’m sorry I can’t do this without trying to fool myself that it’s real,” he insisted. “I need you to tell me, not MJ, but you y/n. I need you to tell me. Do you really care about me? Enough to kiss me even if it isn’t scripted or acted or anything? Do you like me the same way I like you?”

“Tom-” your voice got caught in your throat.

“It’s okay if you don’t, but I just need to know,” he told you. “Please.”

“Guys we really don’t have time for this!” the director insisted but you ignored everyone else in the room and kissed him, right then and there, pressing his lips to yours, his entire face turning bright red. You pulled away, your face turning the exact same shade.

“Yes,” you nodded. “I do care about you, Tom. So much. So very much.”

“Really?” he broke out into a huge smile. “For real?”

“Of course,” you laughed. “Definitely.”

“Can we please just get on with the-”

“Yes!” both of you cut the director off with a burst of giggles. “Yeah, yeah, we can!”

“Alright,” he groaned. “Come on, lovebirds. This shot better be good.”

And it was. Every single take you put as much passion into it as you could, and so did Tom. The directors and crew were all for it, and even at sometimes had to pull you two apart because you sort of got lost in the moment. It felt like the best day of your life, like you could do anything in the entire world. “Want to hang out after shooting today?” you gave a small smile.

“Want to?” he raised his eyebrows. “More like need to.”

“Alright,” you rolled your eyes. “Good to know.”

“And hey,” he poked you in the arm playfully. “You know I’ve always felt this way about you, alright? It’s not just cause of the kiss scene today. I really do care about you.”

“As do I,” you smiled. “There’s always been something about you, Tom. And I’ve been so scared to tell you how I truly feel, because I was terrified deep down that you’d never feel the same way.”

“Well lucky you,” he pressed a kiss to your cheek. “Because I do. I feel the exact same way if not more.”

“Thank you,” you whispered. “It means the world.”

“You,” he looked into your eyes, giving a small smile. “You are my entire world.”

“Thanks,” you mouthed.

“Now come on,” he nudged you softly. “We still have a couple more scenes to go.”

[somemilanlove]

Pop’s Strawberry Jam

Yesterday (Tuesday) was officially day 2 for me.I spent the morning getting the mundane things of the month cleared off my calendar. Paid the bills, made new “To Do” lists, cleaned up a bit & listened to my personal development. I worked for a good 2-3 hours clearing out my IG messenger & reminding myself to eat.

By 3PM I had finally showered and made my way out of the house. I set out to grab some fresh strawberries at our local supermarket. A small store in town (15 min. drive for me) that has a decent selection of what we would need to make good wholesome meals, some organic produce & and even a few “fancy” items you might find at an inner city market. Everything is usually more than slightly overpriced. The price you pay for small town living I guess.

Next thing I know it was 5:20 P.M. and we had already been in town for a few hours earlier in the day,(waiting in line at the post office) , visited the grocery store once before to pick up more Fish & mangos for the taco tuesday idea I had planned, only to realize I did not grab strawberries.  I had just come from picking Jonas (my oldest) up from his Future Problem Solvers competition at school. Apparently he had called me a few times and I ignored the call.” I never answer phone calls from numbers I do not recognize,” I reminded him. “You should have left me a voicemail.”

I’m not sure if that was an event parents could or should attend but clearly I didn’t make it if it was. We also had cub scouts meeting that night for him, so I figured I could make dinner quickly after the meeting and start my jam when they were all in bed. I rushed into the store, grabbed 2lbs, priced almost $2 more than my curbside price, some Jimmy Dean sausage & jelly jars. I had a ton of mason jars I picked up 2 years ago for a friends baby shower but had no idea where the lids were or if they were the right size. I spent more on those 3 items than I do for fresh fruit and veggies on my weekly grocery list. Clearly Joan and I still have very different lifestyles.

Coming home was chaos, in my mind at least. We had spent way too long at the cub scout meeting, where I’m sure I dropped way to many F bombs for the moms. We are planning our boys CrossOver ceremony and sharing ideas, opinions, and volunteering for what we can do. I did not grow up doing extracurriculars much less having parents involved, I also have a hard time feigning interest in things like this, keeping a fake “I have it all together & want to be here face” lately. Especially since my mantra this year is “Fuck it”. I’m betting the double shot of espresso in my coffee I had just chugged had a lot to do with my even more laid back attitude about how we should handle things.  

Amongst other things on my mind I thought it would be a good idea to have a conversation with Jonas about how he should expect to assume more responsibility over his activities and communicate more effectively with me and his father so we can all plan according to what’s going on. This did not go well at all. It left me tense and frustrated, wondering if he pretends to not get what I mean or if he just really doesn’t grasp that he is 2 years from the teenage realm and maturity is part of that.

Tacos were made, but  not by me. Demarcus had taken it upon himself to whip up some ground turkey tacos and feed the littles that were at home & my sister in law (she stays with us M-Th for nursing school). I almost gave way to a poor attitude where that goes & picked his tacos apart but I caught myself pretty quickly this time.

8 PM rolled around pretty quick, kids were showering & getting ready for bed, my weekly team call was wrapping up & I had managed to get a little more work done. I was almost ready to get started, but I didn’t. It was 10 pm pretty quickly and while everyone slowly fell asleep I worked a little more, scrolled the new Fabletics line & ordered an outfit. Not the most productive use of my time. I know. It’s something I am working to improve.

It was close to 11:30 when I finally decided I better workout get my 20 min it. So I did then I did an extra 20 since I was still hopped up on caffeine and was feeling pretty good.

I finally made it back into the kitchen close to 12:30 and started going over this recipe. Thinking as I had in the store that it was such a waste to see these beautiful strawberries turn into jam. As part of my healthier habits I have learned to appreciate how sweet fruit is on its own & although I do indulge on sweets, it’s rare that I indulge in a jam. Oh well, I made a commitment.

Washing & hulling the strawberries was no big deal. I ate the hulls as a kind of apology for what I was about to do to the entire batch of fruit. I pulled out my jars, washed & set to dry. Ingredients were pretty simple sugar, pectin (not sure what this is but I bought it) and butter. Yup, so far so good.

Canner? Jar lifter?Yeah, I don’t have those so I’m going to improvise. I’ve seen Sweet Home Alabama too many time to know that there’s another way to do this. YouTube is my best friend if you don’t already know that about me. So the next 5 min go to finding out what I have vs what I need. It took me another 30 min to find everything I had and could use to make this shit happen. It was now 2AM and I was ready to begin boiling more than just water.

I blended, stirred, boiled and sugared the strawberries just like the recipe asked. I boiled jelly jars in a huge pot I once used in an attempt for tamales (I failed btw). I used a rubber oven-mit instead of the Jar lifter to pull and fill jars, burned my thumb with wayyy to hot for your hands jam. Maybe it’s the strawberries  way of telling me how dare you turn me into Jam. Maybe I’m finally off my caffein high and getting tired.

Jars filled, tightened and placed back into the large tamale pot to boil. It was now 3 AM and I was tired. I forced myself to eat dinner, because I had totally skipped it and was just now realizing it. Sat down and watched Game of Thrones reruns as I waited for the water to come to a rolling boil. Which took forever btw!

Finally 45 min and 10 trips to the kitchen to see what the hold up was we had a rolling boil!! Yass!! 10 more min of boiling and 5 min of waiting to cool. The timers rang and I peeled my but off the Oversized lazy boy recliner I had been sitting in. Pulled every jar out carefully and placed them on a towel, where they will sit for the next 24 hours. I made note that NO ONE is to touch or move these jars for 24 hours!!

I dragged my ass to bed, closed my eyes not feeling proud, not feeling accomplished just extremely exhausted. I forced my mind to shut down bc it was still going and going random thoughts crossing my mind. Not tonight I need sleep. 

5 hours later I’m up again. I let the dogs out, offer Addison breakfast which she quickly declined with a NOPE, and checked on my jam.

All in one piece, unmoved jars, note in place. Maybe they read the note maybe no one else cared about my jam, but in this moment I felt proud and once again the word accomplished flashed in my mind.

I’m beginning to wonder if the reason all these years I’ve never felt proud of what I had done was because of my upbringing. A quick thought goes to how different my childhood was compare to my kids. I’m definitely a very different parent than I had, for the short time I had them. I love on them, discipline them, encourage them & allow them to be proud of themselves for doing things well.

I guess I’ll never know what it would have been like for me to have those things, but I can learn to own my accomplishments & allow myself to feel right along with them.

Up next, the Gravy train!