#i’m not over the blackpool episode and i don’t think i ever will be

[a-bowl-of-grapes]

Apparently i’m still not over Sam’s death seeing as i cried for another half hour about it

[fallynleaf]

I'm trying to get my wrestling journal caught up, and am succeeding with mixed results. I wrote over 10k words on stuff from July alone, 4k of which were just about AEW Blood & Guts on July 19 (the Golden Lovers' first match back together since 2018). I've been toying with the thought of publishing that piece somewhere where people might actually read it, so I thought why not post it here?

(The usual disclaimer on my journal applies: please don't reprint any of these translations, as they're pretty rough and I haven't gotten them looked over by anyone.)

Kenny Omega & Kota Ibushi & “Hangman” Adam Page & Matt Jackson & Nick Jackson vs Konosuke Takeshita & Jon Moxley & Claudio Castagnoli & Wheeler Yuta & Pac

July 19

I’m at a loss of words to describe this match. Unfortunately, I’m at a loss of images, too. There is nothing I can put in this space that’ll do proper justice to the emotions I felt watching this. But I’ll try.

I don’t think Blood & Guts was the right match format for this story. There are simply too many moving pieces, too many distractions, too much for the cameras to keep up with. But pro wrestling teaches us to see things not as they are, but as they feel, so I will talk about how this match felt.

The feud between The Elite and the Blackpool Combat Club started a long time ago. So long ago that I can’t even pin down an exact start date in my memory. I suppose in some way, it started in the closing moments of the very first AEW show, when Mox made his surprise debut and breathed in his first taste of freedom, stained with Kenny’s blood.

Kenny vs Mox is such old history for AEW, it’s practically primordial. It’s in the company’s DNA.

Like many great wrestling feuds, there’s an ideological disagreement at the heart of this one, a disagreement concerning the fundamental nature of professional wrestling. More than anything, though, it’s about love.

Bryan Danielson said as much in the promo he cut on April 5 after the Blackpool Combat Club attacked Hangman on Dynamite. Interestingly, in this promo, Bryan seems to draw an equivalence between love and true professional wrestling. He treats them as one and the same. He talks about loving Mox, Claudio, and Yuta, whom he goes on to describe as “professionals” in contrast to the Elite, who are “amateurs”, and who don’t have love, or even understand the concept of it. 

To Hangman, he says: “And I love these men! I love these men! Do you know what? You don’t have anybody who loves you. Is anybody coming out from the back? No! Not a damn person! ‘Cause nobody loves this man! In fact, they don’t even know what love is! But I know what love is. In fact, when I’ve been at home, I’ve been teaching my kids a few things. A few things about how to fix up your house. And I think the house that is AEW needs to be fixed up. From all these amateurs.”

The house metaphor immediately caught my attention. It reminded me of an extended metaphor that Hangman employed in his monologue from episode 204 of Being The Elite, which was released on May 18, 2020, and which to this day remains one of the few pieces of art about the pandemic that I can actually tolerate. In his metaphor, he compares AEW to a house, and The Elite are both in the house and they are the house.

In Hangman’s own words: “I nearly won the prestigious ‘Man of the House’ award in May. I’d teamed up with our broom to clean the house better than anyone had ever swept it before. And I feel like I might have been starting to… patch up the holes of the walls of the house. The walls that made the house what it was in the first place.”

The Man of the House award is his failed attempt to become AEW World Champion in May 2019. Teaming up with the broom refers to his tag team with Kenny and their 6-star tag title match with the Young Bucks, which was considered by many people to be the best tag match in history. And the Elite are the walls. He’s talking about the slow, tentative process of repairing his relationship with the faction that quite literally made AEW.

I suppose in a very literal sense, The Elite are in AEW and also are AEW, in the sense that they’re the “Elite” in “All Elite Wrestling”. Hangman’s mixed metaphor is only as messy as reality.

The “AEW as a house” metaphor came up again two years later, on May 25, 2022, in a now infamous promo segment building up to Hangman vs CM Punk at Double or Nothing, where, with just two words, Hangman unknowingly set off a chain of events that would end up almost tearing the entire company apart, though no one realized it at the time.

He tells Punk: “You talk a big game about workers rights, yeah? Well, you’ve shown the exact opposite since you’ve gotten here. I love this place! I care about this place! This is my home! And this Sunday at Double or Nothing, I will not, I will not be defending this championship against you. No, for the first time in my life, I will be defending All Elite Wrestling from you.”

And Punk tells him: “Win, lose, or draw, I respect you, Hangman. But remember, those roads you traveled to get here? They were paved by me. This house that you built? It was constructed with lumber from trees that I chopped down. The world you traveled to get here, to create All Elite Wrestling, happened because I gave you the blueprint.”

Hangman fails to defend the championship against Punk. And in the months that follow, he fails to defend All Elite Wrestling from Punk, too. The philosophical divide was so true to reality and so exquisitely foreshadowed that it caused me to initially assume that the rumored backstage altercation between Punk and The Elite was part of an intricate work that connected back to this very promo. I was more right than I knew, but I didn’t know that the reason for the connection was not because it was a well-planned story, but because the conflict at the center of the story was real.

AEW is the house that Hangman built, and Punk says that it was made with lumber from trees that he chopped down. In saying so, he takes credit for The Elite’s work and implies that without them, he could simply fill the space left by their absence on his own.

But can he? Can anyone? Can there be an All Elite Wrestling without The Elite, or would the whole building crumble without its walls? For a few months in late 2022, we got to experience AEW without The Elite. It was not a particularly encouraging time for the company.

Which brings us here, to 2023. Bryan Danielson says that the house that is AEW needs to be fixed up. He doesn’t think the Elite can compare to the Blackpool Combat Club, not in terms of love or in terms of pro wrestling.

I’ll admit, when Bryan said that The Elite don’t even know what love is, I laughed. Kenny Omega has centered his entire wrestling career around love, to the point where “A Wrestling Love Story” is in the title of his documentary. I once heard someone sum him up by saying “in pro wrestling, you can choose to be whatever you want to be, and Kenny Omega chose to be in love.” 

Before he beat Kazuchika Okada to win the IWGP Heavyweight Championship in 2018 in what is widely considered to be the best match of his career, Kenny said: “I’m not saying that I’m arriving to this arena with a bunch of new moves, but I am saying that this version of Kenny Omega might be the most prepared. And a big part of that is because I’ve let someone back into my life that I cared about, that I loved, and that together with that power, we can’t lose.”

He says basically the same thing outside of kayfabe as well. In his documentary, he credits Kota’s support as being essential for preparing him physically and emotionally so that he’d be ready to pour his heart out in a match that he knew was going to last over an hour. Many of the hard lessons that his character had to learn about the pain of isolation and loneliness, and the redemptive power of love, are things that Kenny himself had struggled with.

In 2018, Kenny once gestured to Chuck Taylor and Trent Beretta, the Best Friends, and said “This is what friendship looks like.” Then he put his arm around Kota and said, “And this is what love looks like.” This is a man who knows what love is. He knows the pain of love as keenly as he knows the triumph and the sweetness of it.

In a way, I think of Kota not coming with Kenny to AEW as sort of the original heartbreak. It’s there in the background subtext of the entire major arc of AEW’s first chapter. It’s an unhealed wound that only leads to more hurt as time goes on.

Which brings us to Blood & Guts. The Blackpool Combat Club and The Elite are both lacking a 5th member for the match. The BCC has Jon Moxley, Claudio Castagnoli, and Wheeler Yuta, but not Bryan Danielson (who is out with an injury). Their fourth member is Konosuke Takeshita, who is fighting with a single-minded purpose, which is to surpass Kenny Omega. Their fifth member later turns out to be Pac, who has no real immediate story reason to be there, besides past grudges. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, and all that.

The Elite has Kenny Omega, Hangman Adam Page, and Matt and Nick Jackson. I can’t recall the precise moment I knew that Kota Ibushi would be their fifth member, but it was before the Blood & Guts match was even announced.

The moment I knew for sure, though, was when I saw this clip, which was filmed after Dynamite on July 5. Speaking to the crowd, Kenny says that during the week when his whereabouts were unknown, he didn’t stay home, and he didn’t go to Canada. “But where I went was for a good old friend, someone who is very near and dear to my heart.” He smiles when he says that last part, and his smile alone is a dead giveaway.

If there was any remaining doubt, this article by Michael Nakazawa on the DDT site cleared it up for me. The article sums up Konosuke Takeshita’s AEW story, which of course I know very well, but I wanted to see Nak’s take on it. This part was another giveaway that Kota Ibushi was going to be the 5th person on The Elite’s side: "そして竹下が抜け一人欠けたジ・エリート側には誰が入るのか？DDTファンにとっては竹下とケニーという顔合わせは見逃せないものになるだろう。(ここで多く触れるつもりはないがジ・エリート側の伏せられたメンバーとの顔合わせも見逃せないものになるだろう。) " (“And with Takeshita out, The Elite are down a member. Who will fill in on their side? DDT fans won’t want to miss the face-off between Takeshita and Kenny. (I’m not going to touch on it too much, but I’m sure that the confrontation with the unknown member of The Elite is also something not to be missed.”)

On July 12, the week before Blood & Guts, they reveal the 5th member of the Elite’s team. The Blackpool Combat Club has Kenny at their mercy, a chair around his neck. Mox offers him the microphone so that he can say his last words. Kenny says, “We still have a fifth member, too.” He’s laughing, even though he struggles to breathe. “Check the screen. Check the screen, you bitch.” The look on his face is absolutely serene.

The arena goes dark. Kota’s new music plays, though the crowd doesn’t recognize it. But everyone cheers when he shows up onscreen. I’d been wondering if a Canadian crowd would be more familiar with Kota Ibushi than an American one, since I’ve heard that the TV station that AEW airs on frequently plays Kenny’s documentary, so many regular AEW watchers in Canada likely have seen it. This crowd certainly knows who he is.

At the end of the video, The Elite is now listed as the Golden Elite instead.

The lights turn back on. The Young Bucks and Hangman are here now, ready to save Kenny. As the Blackpool Combat Club clears out of the ring, Kenny picks up the mic. He says, “We might be one man down, but we’re never out. Next week, Blood & Guts, we’re gonna show you guys it’s more than about fighting, it’s more than about your kill-jitsu; this is about more than that. Heart, passion, soul, friendship, love.” He smiles as he says love, his voice almost breaking.

He knows they’ve already won. Kota Ibushi is coming, and it’s all going to be okay.

After the reveal, Kota tweeted about it (he also posted it in English). That “AEW見ていたよ、ずっとね” (“I’ve been watching AEW, this whole time”) line in particular, I am overcome. I don’t even know how to put into words what it felt like to read that. Golden Lovers fans have been waiting four long years for Kota Ibushi to make an AEW appearance.

I don’t think any of us expected it would be anything like this.

Kota arrived in the US a few days before the match. He tweeted a photo of him and Kenny and Nak at Kenny’s house, which still feels utterly surreal to me. 

And here at last we’ve reached the match.

I’m going to preface this by saying that AEW did a spectacularly bad job with the production on this match, which isn’t exactly unusual for them, but I’m less forgiving with this one. I think every single time the Golden Lovers started interacting, the camera basically immediately cut away. It’s hard to interpret it as intentional malice, considering how bad their usual production is, but it was jarring how little the production team seemed to understand what people actually wanted to see here.

The photos on the official website are also an incredibly poor selection (Kota and Takeshita aren’t in a single one of them), which seems to be a theme with every Blood & Guts show. And because AEW bans fan photography, if Scott Lesh isn’t there, and the official photographers drop the ball, we’re basically entirely out of luck. I got desperate enough, I actually attempted the bold and unprecedented strategy of just asking AEW for access to more photos. I couldn’t get them retroactively, unfortunately, but I should have more photos for shows going forward.

The whole thing made me extra appreciative of the work of Japanese fan photographers, who are so good at not only capturing vivid and dynamic photographs of moves, but who also capture the quieter moments, like exchanges between wrestlers at the corner. A lot of pro wrestling lives in those quiet moments, not in the bloody violence or flashy athleticism.

I think fundamentally that’s where me and this match were at odds. I was watching for the quiet moments, and what AEW thought they were delivering to viewers was the blood and violence.

In the end, the Golden Lovers were only one of like a dozen things that were going on in this match. So ultimately, it wasn’t really about them. I’m more at peace with that fact now at the time of writing, over a month after the match, than I was when I watched the match live. I think when you’ve waited so long for something that means so much to you, it’s almost impossible not to be disappointed when you finally get that thing, because it’s competing with all of the versions of it that played out in your head.

Kenny entered first for their team, and Kota entered last. The two of them were the bookends for the Golden Elite, the beginning and the end, containing the entirety of the faction between them. Kenny wore fully Kota Ibushi themed gear, so the two of them matched. The Young Bucks and Hangman had their own set of matching gear, which was white and purple in contrast to the Golden Lovers’ white and blue (I’m sure this divide won’t become important later).

Leading up to this match, the Blackpool Combat Club had repeatedly had The Elite’s number. They’d beaten them up more times than I can count, had mutilated them with screwdrivers, and had dragged Kenny through the hell of Don Callis’s and Takeshita’s betrayal.

But now The Elite had their secret weapon. They were finally whole again.

From the second act onward, as soon as Kota Ibushi, the final member, made his entrance, the story of the match was that the Golden Elite needed him to save them. Whenever things started going too badly for them, he’d come in and change the course of the match so that it was in their favor. Every time.

I think my favorite spot in the match involved this horrific bed of nails which turned out to actually be a bed of screwdrivers. Very thematically apt. Mox was laid out on it, and Kota approached him, and I knew immediately what he was about to do, yet still gasped when he actually did it. He did his trademark standing moonsault, his knees impacting directly with Mox’s chest, driving Mox’s body deeper into the screwdriver heads.

The Golden Lovers reunited over Mox’s prone body. They reached for each other in relief, and I looked to see their expressions, my heart pounding, and the camera had already cut away from them.

Some other things I remember: Matt Jackson poured a sack of thumbtacks down from the roof of the cage into the ring, and Pac stomped Nick Jackson through a table in a dramatic spot that looked far better in the replays than it had in the original shot. Mox brought the wild violence probably more than anyone else in the match.

I wish we’d gotten a little more with Takeshita and Kota, as it was their first time sharing a ring together in many years. But this match wasn’t really about that, either.

In the final minutes of the match, Pac and Claudio get into an argument, then Pac cuts his losses and bails. Don Callis pulls Takeshita out shortly after, realizing that their side is almost definitely losing. The match has now become a 5-on-3.

The Golden Elite unleash everything they have left onto poor Wheeler Yuta. Then they hoist him up with the chain around his neck, and he starts to pass out. The referee calls for the bell. I didn’t realize exactly what had happened at first, because the production failed to show it, but it was actually Mox who had ended the match. He surrendered to save Yuta.

Someone summed up the story very succinctly in a discord screenshot from somewhere. A person with the display name “V….” said: “So in the end the story is that despite how much conflict the Elite have had over the years when the time came, they were the ultimate cohesive unit and the BCC, despite how much they crow about being professionals and loving each other, had to rely on mercenaries that coincidentally had grudges against the Elite that bailed because they didn’t have as much skin in the game and in the end Moxley, a man who tries to portray himself as nothing but violent and merciless, had to surrender to save his protege in practically a perfect mirror of him submitting to Hangman at Revolution.”

For once, I actually found myself in near perfect agreement with what seems to be the IWC’s general consensus of the story of that match. I really liked how my friend described it: “mox literally had to surrender to love in more ways than one”.

The end of the match ran up against the end of their TV timeslot, the enemy of televised wrestling in America, though we did get one final shot of the Golden Lovers together right as the show went off the air. The post-match stuff didn’t quite make it onto the show, but some fans captured video of it. Kenny spoke on the mic for a bit, and one of the things he said is that we’ll probably be seeing Kota in AEW again.

Kota was unfortunately at a pretty severe disadvantage this whole match for several reasons. This was only his third match since coming back from his 2021 injury, for one thing, and it was much more demanding than either of his GCW matches in March. It was also a match style he was not at all accustomed to, and it was his first time wrestling in AEW. 

We found out in a tweet he made later that he hadn’t realized that his normal wrestling shoes wouldn’t be well-suited for the match, so the thumbtacks and glass pierced through his shoes and hurt him throughout the match. Reminds me a bit of the original Little Mermaid story, where every step the mermaid takes on land hurts…

He didn’t actually come in contact much with the thumbtacks during the match itself, besides the ones that made it through his shoes. The thumbtacks in the photo in the above tweet came into play after the match. When they went off the air, Kota intentionally threw himself onto the thumbtacks, just for fun. Kenny had a pretty funny reaction, haha. He looked at him like he knew he’d be the person picking every single one of those tacks out of Kota’s back later.

And sure enough, Being The Elite featured a clip of Kenny doing exactly that. They talk briefly in Japanese while Kenny’s taking the tacks out of Kota’s back. Here’s a transcription of the Japanese. I love how Kenny takes care of Kota before getting his own wounds tended to, despite his own back being in far worse shape.

Kota explained the reason why he jumped into the tacks in a reply to El Desperado (English translation) (Despy also recently took a totally unnecessary tack bump himself). Since it was Kota’s first time in AEW, he decided to take a bump onto the tacks in lieu of a greeting. I think he knew that he really had to do something memorable to leave a strong impression in the minds of all of the American fans who’d never seen him before, so this is what he chose to do. It did make me smile seeing the reactions from Japanese fans. As soon as that moment happened, a lot of Japanese fans on twitter were like, “yep, that’s him; Kota Ibushi is back”.

After the match, apparently all ten of the guys in it were visibly emotional that they’d gotten that chance to wrestle each other, and Matt Jackson had them all sign one of his shoes so that he had a memento to remember the occasion by.

In Kenny’s unaired post-match promo, he says, “I'm a lover, not a fighter. You guys don't know by now, I'm a lover, not a fighter. There's one thing I learned throughout this rivalry of ours. When push comes to shove, you guys are as tough as they come. You taught us what it means to not only be a professional wrestler, but to be a wrestler.” He says, “I'm willing to stick my hand out and shake yours if you guys wanna let bygones be bygones, because love you or freaking hate you, Moxley, love you or hate you, Claudio, love you or hate your ugly ass [to Wheeler Yuta], I respect each and every one of you.”

And that’s that. The end of the feud. 

In an interview, Claudio said what they wanted to come across was that: “We lost that battle, but we won the war. Thanks to the Blackpool Combat Club, now The Elite is better than ever. We brought them to a place they’ve never been.”

In a way, the BCC did end up fixing up the house that is AEW. They patched up the walls by bringing the Golden Elite back together, thus repairing the original heartbreak that was what caused the cracks to form initially. The Golden Elite is the best version of The Elite. It is their truest form, shining with love.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CvC9uVHOHJZ/

https://twitter.com/JJWilliamsWON/status/1682966137187778560

[btsybrkr]

Please Come Dine With Me

In today’s world of Netflix originals, glossy reality series and big budget drama, it’s easy to forget about TV’s old reliables. You know, the programmes with nothing to say, but so much to give. They’re the television equivalent of an ex that you can’t help but miss, despite having brought absolutely nothing to each other’s lives. The absolute king of this brand of TV can only be Come Dine With Me, the dinner party contest that began broadcasting in 1892 and has been playing simultaneously, on all 26 branches of Channel 4, at every hour of every day ever since. Seriously, flick through the channels, I can almost guarantee it’s on right now.

Come Dine With Me, now in its 37th series (I’m actually not making that bit up), must unironically be one of the best things to ever air in this country. During a casual viewing, it seems that nothing much happens, but a quick Google search unearths an absolute goldmine of unforgettable moments. Some have already been cemented into pop culture history, destined to be repeated on ‘100 Greatest...’ clip shows until the sun swallows the Earth whole - like the man who decided to sample a sauce he was making by nonchalantly shoving the whole whisk into his mouth, or sore loser Peter Marsh’s ‘you won, Jane’ speech, which is, in my opinion, a hundred times more brutal than anything Ricky Gervais could or would ever come out with whilst presenting an awards ceremony. Others are unfortunately never spoken about, but remain a vivid memory in the consciousness of the lucky viewers who caught them, such as the moment a particularly eccentric contestant, known only as DJ Dom, drafted in indie musician Badly Drawn Boy to help him cook for his ‘Madchester’ themed dinner party, before telling the viewers “All done, just got to go and change me kecks!” and coming back downstairs in the exact same outfit, right down to the bucket hat. Or the iconic Preston week from series 7, in which we were introduced to so-posh-it-hurts Valerie Holliday, whose pronunciation of the word ‘pheasant’ (or fezzaaaunt, as she might say) is superglued to the insides of my brain, where it will stay for the rest of my days. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

I’m sure we’ve all, at some point, had the ‘who would be invited to your dream dinner party?’ conversation with our friends or family, but what we should really be asking each other is “who would be on your dream episode of Come Dine With Me?”. If you think about it, they’re two very different questions, with very different answers. Of course, I’d love the chance to sit and speak with Tom Hanks, Mac Demarco and Phoebe Waller-Bridge over a glass of wine and a really good burger, but do I think it would make entertaining TV? Well, yeah, probably. But not on Come Dine With Me. That’s a horse of a very different colour.

Anyway, here’s what my dream episode of Come Dine With Me might look like. Narrated in your brain by Dave Lamb, probably.

Today, we’re in Blackpool, where our first contestant, 23-year-old chronic timewaster Betsy (that’s me!), is gearing up to host the opening night of the week, and we’re sure it’s going to be an absolute belter. Let’s see what her fellow dinner party guests make of the menu.

“A cheeseboard? As a starter? What’s that about?”, asks living soundbite and reality TV icon, Gemma Collins. She’s unimpressed with the menu, largely on the basis that it pales in comparison to the sort of luxury she’s used to, such as the gourmet camel penis she could have been tucking into on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! In 2014, had she not packed it in after three days. Actually, I think the celebrity version of Come Dine With Me might be the only reality programme that Gemma Collins is yet to appear in. Maybe we should be writing to the powers-that-be at Channel 4 and getting them to sort that out, since I’ll surely be making a strong case for her appearance here. Anyway, who’s next?

Our third contestant is equally disappointed with the offerings. “I don’t fuck with stilton”, states the self-proclaimed second coming of Jesus, Kanye West. Yes, he’s an odd choice for a daytime cookery/popularity contest, especially since I’m almost 100% sure he doesn’t cook for himself under any circumstances, and is probably only popular among people who’ve never had to try and sit through an actual conversation with him, but who cares? Kanye does what Kanye wants. And if Kanye wants to appear on Come Dine With Me, then that’s his business, and he’ll shit in the Yeezys of anybody who disagrees. Or pay someone else to do it for him, obviously. Anyway, onto contestant number four, who can surely only be disappointing after that… can’t they?

Of course not!! Contestant number four is TV’s shouty queen-of-clean Kim Woodburn, who is really excited to get her teeth into some red hot beef. Not the food kind, either. The kind of beef she dished out to Philip Schofield, while he was asking her questions about the beef she dished out in her fondly-remembered ‘chicken-livered bunch’ rant from Celebrity Big Brother. She’ll be glad to know I’m not serving any chicken livers at my dinner party, I’m sure. Not that she’ll be particularly enamoured with my cooking skills overall.

“It all looks terribly common, darling”, she says, as she holds the menu in one Marigold-wearing hand, and a glass of an expensive gin in the other. Suit yourself, then, Kim.

Contestant number five hasn’t bothered to read the menu yet, but that’s because he’s been busy begging the Channel 4 producers on set for another series of Deal Or No Deal now that his hefty I’m A Celebrity paycheck is all but gone. Yes, it’s Noel Edmonds, TV’s favourite bearded arsehole. After Alan Sugar, of course, but I’ve already written a bit about him on here, so there’d be no point in putting him in this one as well. You know, someone I knew a few years back once told me that Noel Edmonds did a guest lecture at his university, in which he offered some lucky students the chance to spend their summer doing a couple of months unpaid work experience on his radio show. Imagine that! Spending day-in-day-out with Noel Edmonds, without even a penny in compensation. I know they say ‘life’s not fair’, but that really would be pushing it. 

Anyway, that’s everyone, and as I anxiously pour boiling water into five chicken and mushroom Pot Noodles, my all-star dinner guests begin to arrive. First at the doorstep is Kim, who I greet with open arms. 

“Wonderful to meet you, luvvie”, she says. The worried glance she gives the camera afterwards tells me otherwise. Perhaps she’s unimpressed by my unshiny door handle. That’s not a euphemism. 

Gemma and Noel arrive soon afterwards, both carrying bottles of champagne that I couldn’t possibly ever afford myself. They’re not to share, of course, they were bought in anticipation that the wine I’m providing wouldn’t be up to standard, which it is, because I’m serving all my courses with a glass of Summer Berries Echo Falls. It’s £5.99 a bottle and gets you absolutely Bankered. 

We mingle in the living room, eagerly anticipating the arrival of my final guest. Just as Gemma, Kim and Noel begin bonding over the trials of being paid many thousands of pounds to sit around and simply exist for the viewing pleasures of mere mortals like myself, Kanye West teleports himself into the room, in a futuristic flash of lightning and to the tune of his 2010 hit Power, blowing a massive hole into the entire left side of my house in the process. It’s true what he says, you know - the man really is a genius.

We take our seats at the dinner table, as soon as the rest of my guests are done with the obligatory search through my knicker drawer (cue a comeback for Kim’s famous How Clean Is Your House? catchphrase, “Oh, you dirty devil!”) that happens on every edition of Come Dine With Me. You know, despite everything else on the programme, that’s the one bit of it that I’ve never really understood. Every single one of the show’s 1,647 episodes includes a bizarre sequence in which the contestants go running around the host’s home, rifling through their personal belongings and mocking them for the cameras. I’m sure the point of it is supposed to be to give the guests a chance to ‘get to know’ the host, but then I’d have thought that spending five nights eating and chatting with them would be a fairly effective way of doing that. Besides, can you imagine catching your guests doing that in real life? I wouldn’t be sitting them down for a meal and rating them for a chance to win £1,000, I’d be throwing them out, maybe even calling the police, depending on what exactly they were doing with the belongings in question. Not that I have time to think about that right now, I’ve got a cheeseboard to prepare!

First topic of conversation is, of course, TV, and as we tuck into our Ritz biscuits and Tesco Value mature cheddar, Noel gives us his opinion.

“My main issue with television these days is that I’m just not on it enough.” A valid viewpoint. We take a moment to collectively long for the days of Noel’s HQ, a drunken nightmare that was somehow harnessed and broadcast to the masses by Sky1, way back in 2008. Noel’s HQ has been mostly lost to time, except for the presence of a video on YouTube entitled ‘Noel Edmonds speaks with passion’, which is well worth a watch if, like me, you enjoy four minute long videos of TV presenters struggling to stifle their own belief that they might just be The Best Person Ever. There’s a great bit in it where he angrily declares to his delighted audience, “I don’t get paid a penny for doing this show”. Noel, I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you for your sacrifice. 

Speaking of The Best Person Ever, Kanye is noticeably quiet. But then, Kanye isn’t here to share his views. Kanye isn’t particularly here to do anything. Kanye is simply here to observe - to greet his subjects, and work out what makes them tick. Kanye can sense our excitement to be sat in his presence, and Kanye enjoys this. It feeds Kanye. Far more than my meager dinner offerings ever could.

I press Gemma for her own opinions on TV, as someone who is literally always on it. Gemma Collins gets where Domestos can’t. It may sound like I’m being flippant, but in all honesty, I love Gemma Collins. I’m not even sure why, I just know I do. She’s famous for the sake of being famous, and she’s bloody good at it. She’s also quite possibly the most quotable public figure since Shakespeare himself. Maybe even more than Shakespeare. Think about it. What inspires you more? “To be or not to be?”, like anyone knows what that actually means, or “Nah, fuck this, I’m out of here. Get that fire exit door. Am off.”, a poetic sentiment, which conveys an emotion we’ve surely all felt at some point in our lives? I know who gets my vote.

Kim misunderstands the question “what do you think of television today?” as “how clean do you think my television is?”, and responds by pulling out a five pack of dusters and a can of Mr Sheen, and getting to work on the flatscreen in the corner of my living room. Oh well, at least all that cleaning will make her hungry in time for the main course. Speaking of which, maybe it’s time I got on with that.

Despite their disappointment with the starters, the main course - Super Noodle sandwiches, with a generous side-helping of curly fries - appears to delight all my guests, except Kim, who mutters under her breath that it all seems very tacky. I won’t let it get me down. It’s my heartfelt belief that anything can be a sandwich filling if you’re brave enough, and my other three guests agree with me. Kanye lets out a satisfied ‘hm’. Excellent. 

We sit down to dessert, and another glass of Echo Falls. The wine is going down surprisingly well, especially with Kim, who has started subtly rolling her eyes at the conversation between myself and Gemma Collins, who are bonding over how much we love Gemma Collins. Kim purses her lips. Her Spidey-senses are tingling. There’s conflict afoot. 

I quiz Noel about an article that I saw in 2015 and have never forgotten. It was featured on The Independent, and was headlined ‘Noel Edmonds says that ‘death doesn’t exist’ and that ‘Electrosmog’ is more deadly than Ebola’. I know that this sounds like something I just came up with, but I regret to tell you that is absolutely something he said. In real life. I’ll give you a minute to take that in.

Noel Edmonds reaffirms this view to me, speaking with the same unnerving passion he did in the YouTube clip I mentioned earlier. I nod politely. I begin to wonder if everyone’s had a little too much Echo Falls, and if I can really handle another four nights with these people. It’s at this moment that, for the first time all night, His Almighty Westness speaks. 

“I really feel what you’re saying right now”, he tells Noel. We wait together for the next part of the statement, but it never comes. Kanye West outstretches his arm to Noel Edmonds. They shake hands. None of us can quite believe it. And for a moment, Noel and Kanye are right. It does feel as though death doesn’t exist. Nothing exists outside of this dinner party. Everything that matters is happening around my dining table at this very second. 

The silence is broken by Kim Woodburn tutting into a wine glass. 

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake,” she drawls, rolling her eyes, “What a load of nonsensical tosh.”

“Excuse me?”, asks Noel, still hand-in-hand with Kanye West, an alliance he is clearly eager to keep going for as long as possible, on the off chance that he fancies funding another series of Noel’s House Party, “I don’t see you bringing anything to the table here, Kim.”

She widens her eyes, taking another generous gulp of Echo Falls - and I know exactly what she’s about to bring to the table. A big old fight. 

Gemma Collins throws in her two cents. 

“I think we should all calm down a little bit, d’ya know what I mean? I’m having a lovely meal at a fan’s house, I can’t be arsed with an argument.” Wise words, as always, Gemma. Wise words.

It all kicks off.

“You can be quiet, you talentless, orange foghorn!”, sneers Kim, “You’ve contributed nothing to the conversation this evening, other than talking about yourself.”

Gemma’s eyes seem to cloud over with anger, as her complexion quickly transitions from Dulux shade Tangerine Twist to Cranberry Crunch. She knocks the rest of her wine back. Everything goes quiet again for a moment, as Noel, Kanye and I watch the two TV divas stare at each other. It’s like a scene from an old Western, but with diamonds and veneers.

With a violent roar, she launches herself across the table, grabbing Kim by her fake ponytail. I jump up to hold her back, as Kanye leaps from his seat to hold Kim from Gemma. There’s a mad blur of acrylic nails and tufts of bleach blonde hair flying between them, some of it landing into the banoffee pie I had worked so hard on. Noel stands back, arms folded, watching the action in dismay. If you could see the whole picture, it might resemble a renaissance painting, the sort that could be hung in a gallery anywhere in the world and analysed for it’s artistic importance. ‘Nous aimons le boeuf’, it might be called. French for ‘we love the beef’. Doesn’t really matter it means, though, to be fair, as long as it sounds clever and artsy.

Noel shakes his head. 

“What the hell am I doing here?”, he asks, frustrated, “I’m a huge TV star.”

Security eventually intervene, somewhat reluctantly, given the fact this is the most action they’ve seen on a shoot for Come Dine With Me, possibly ever. Producers watch back the footage of the fight on an iPad, sat on my sofa, attempting to mask their delight at what they’d caught on camera.

Kanye eventually stands up, soberly taking in the scene in front of him. Is this how Jay-Z felt as he left the elavator?, he wonders.

“I’m gonna take off”, he informs everyone, breaking the silence that had fallen over the room in the aftermath. But before he can teleport out of the room again, possibly blowing a hole in the other side of my house, the producer speaks up.

“Same time tomorrow? It’s Gemma’s night.”

Four more nights of this… four more nights, all for the chance to win £1,000… is it worth it? 

Of course it is. It was a blast. Same time tomorrow, indeed.

To see some highlights from the iconic Preston week of Come Dine With Me, click here. To see Noel Edmonds speak with passion, click here. To follow me on twitter, click here, or here for instagram :)

[tartantardis]

The tenth* TARDIS Tennant

(* technically the eleventh, but we’ll let that go for the sake of alliteration... Anyway, this interview took place in Glasgow, when the Doctor Who team descended for a promotional drive for the 2006 series, eswith David Tennant, Billie Piper, Russell T Davies, Phil Collinson, Steven Moffat and others in attendance. Oh, and Billie’s then-boyfriend too. They premiered Tooth and Claw, a week before New Earth had been shown. This is an edited compilation of the highlights of what they said. As a result of this press conference, I stayed in touch with Russell, and he’s kind enough to give me quotes for Vortex now and again. Also, after I spoke to David Tennant, he was shocked to learn that Hamish Wilson, the other Jamie from The Mind Robber, was the same one who he had just missed out on as a lecturer at the RSAMD - as was - in Glasgow!)

When David Tennant became the Doctor in 2005, it fulfilled the young actor's dream.

The Scotsman, who was 33 at the time, had previously played guest roles in various Doctor Who audio plays from Big Finish Productions, opposite his predecessors Colin Baker and Sylvester McCoy - and was over the moon to succeed Christopher Eccleston in the TARDIS.

When it came to casting a new Doctor, executive producer Russel  T Davies looked to his leading man from another show which he had just made for the BBC, Casanova.

Russell said: "When I first saw the audition tape for Casanova, I didn't know who he was. I wasn't looking for a big star, and this was before Blackpool had been on, but I knew he was a well-known talent in Scotland.

"We saw him, we loved him and we cast him and enjoyed working with him.

"I also knew he was a big Doctor Who fan!

"Although Casanova was nothing to do with Doctor Who, as it was a separate production made by a separate company, when we learned Chris was leaving it all just fitted together very nicely. We didn't screentest him, having just done three hours of Casanova with David, and by that time I'd seen Blackpool."

And David recalled: "I remember being thrilled to bits when I got asked, and then thinking, 'Is this a good idea?' It didn't last long!"

However, there was controversy soon after David was cast, when it was revealed he wouldn't be using his natural accent.

Russell explained: "I didn't ban the accent - it was just part of the creation of David's Doctor. We talked about the costume, as, for example, we didn't say David would have to wear the suit. It was just a cast of human beings coming together and talking about things."

David said: "When Russell came to me, that was how he asked me to play it. I wouldn't say I was disappointed, it's just what I was asked to do. I've always that that part of working as an actor was to take on different accents.

"It doesn't make me any less Scottish because I'm not using my Scottish accent.

"It didn't bother me in particular, but it was a nice chance to do one episode where the Doctor came up with the idea of slipping into a Scottish accent which, remarkably, the Doctor can do!"

David's co-star Billie Piper added: "In the Christmas episode, the idea was that Rose's accent would have rubbed off on the Doctor, but we never actually got around to filming it."

David said: "It was like a chick imprinting on someone when it comes out of an egg."

Comparing the two Doctors, Billie said of David and Chris: "They are different people and bring different things. David's Doctor is a lot more emotional, while Chris's Doctor was more intense.

"Of course they are going to have a different approach, but they are playing the same part. A new person robs off on you very quickly, and you adjust - she moved with the times and the man."

David didn't get the chance to meet his predecessor at the regeneration, as it was shot weeks apart.

He said: "I didn't unfortunately, because of the way it had to be shot - we shot the regeneration on separate days. We haven't bumped into each other, unfortunately. I'm sure we will at some point."

David's third story as the Doctor, Tooth and Claw, saw the TARDIS land in Scotland, which delighted the actor.

He said: "It wasn't a specific ambition, but story-wise, it's nice if you move the characters around and take them to different places. Obviously with filming in Wales, Cardiff has had a shout.

"I was quite keen that Scotland should get a shout and it has certain personal ramifications as well. We filmed in Wales, but there's one shot where on the hillside, they've added a little bit of purple heather. But on the whole, it's remarkably similar with some of the landscape we have up here, so there wasn't a lot that needed doing."

Tooth and Claw was a dark story, featuring grisly deaths, but David denied that the series was too scary.

He said of Tooth and Claw: "I think it does push it quite far, but it's still, ultimately, very responsibly done. It's within a fantastic environment and I think children understand that too.

"I think that's part of growing up, being scared. That's what Doctor Who has done since 1963 and I'm glad to see it continuing to do so.

"A gore-fest would be ridiculous - there's no blood, and it was just fun.

"I think Doctor Who has had horror elements for as long as I can remember. It tours the genres - in the first one we were in a hospital five billion years in the future, then we we're in Scotland and it's gothic horror, the next week is a kind of Grange Hill - it's what Doctor Who does best - every week it's a new style of story."

David's first full series saw the Doctor and Rose growing closer than ever before, building on the friendship which was established with the Ninth Doctor.

"The Doctor and companion has always been very important," said David, "particularly in this series, but the way Russell writes it, it's always an emotional thing, which maybe the show hadn't had before. Rose's family ultimately became the Doctor's family.

"In episode eight, it looks like we're cut off from everything, forever, and we have a quiet moment to consider that idea of never returning home."

David admitted that putting himself in the spotlight as Doctor Who would mean his every action was analysed by the series' devoted fans, for years to come, as well as putting himself in the firing line for TV critics.

He said: "I don't think anybody ever likes being told they are not good at what you do. You invest a lot into what you do. You want everyone to tell you you are great all the time, but I'm wise enough to know what to expect.

"A show like this receives so much scrutiny and analysis, you are never going to please all the people, all the time."

A notoriously private man, David also found that his private life was subject to much speculation, with his romantic relationships regularly putting him in the gossip columns.

He added: "Nobody teaches you how to deal with that sort of stuff. You have to decide where the lines are drawn, and draw them yourself - and hope you leep your own personal integrity without pissing everyone off because you are being snooty about answering questions.

"You have to just try and keep yourself comfortable with what you are really about."

[anonymouswriter2311]

Little Yellow Bikini, Chapter 4

The first few days the small group spent most of their time lazing around the pool. Charity and Vanessa worked on their tan, while Noah and the boys splashed about in the different pools. It was perfect, there was no fighting, no moping, no boredom. It was paradise.

 Noah had been the one to suggest the beach the day before. He said how much he and Moses enjoyed it when they went away on holiday a few months previous, and Vanessa had been practically bouncing with anticipation at the idea. So the night before the small family walked into the tiny town to stock up on supplies. Johnny and Moses picked out a bucket and spade and Noah got a surfboard and life vest. All beaming with excitement for what the day ahead held.

 “Right you lot! Am I going on this little adventure on my own, or…” Vanessa called out, Johnny and Moses were currently engrossed in an episode of Paw Patrol while relaxing on her and Charity’s bed, and Noah and Charity were currently in the middle of a very competitive game of Guess Who.

 “It’s only half eleven. We’ve got plenty of time babes.” Charity called back, planning her next move carefully. “Is your person a Paddy wannabe?”

 “I don’t think that’s what one the questions Mum.” The teenager laughed as Vanessa walked over to watch the game.

 “Is he bald?” Charity rolled her eyes, as she felt Vanessa’s hand brush against her exposed back.

 “Oh, then no,” Noah smirked, as Charity put down all the bald men tabs.

 “Okay...here’s the plan.” Vanessa quickly cut in before they had a chance to ask another question.

 “Don’t you just love it when she has a plan?” The taller blonde teased, as she turned in her seat and forcefully wrapped her arm around Vanessa's waist, pulling her down to sit on her lap.

 “I will handle the little ones, while you and Noah can finish your little game.” She spoke quickly, gesturing to the travel sized game.

 “Much appreciated.” Charity whispered as she slipped her hand under the hem of Vanessa’s shirt, resting it on her stomach.

 “And then we have a quick bite to eat at the restaurant, then head.” Vanessa tried her best not to react to Charity’s actions. “Sound good?”

 “This is definitely one of your better plans babe,” The taller woman smirked, as she started to tickle Vanessa, making the blonde squirm in her lap.

 “You’re worse than the kids sometimes. You do know that right?” She huffed out as she turned around so that she was facing the blonde.

 “I’ve been told worse.” Charity shrugged, as Vanessa snaked her arms around her neck. “Don’t you have two toddlers to get ready? Or do you plan on scarring my son for life.”

 “Is it possible to be scarred twice?” Noah spoke up, confusing both women. “Because seeing Paddy in a bathrobe is a lot worse than Vanessa trying to steal a snog.” He shot a cheeky smirk their way.

 “I wasn’t trying…ugh, you two are basically the same person. You know that right?” The vet huffed as she pulled out of Charity’s embrace, the laughter of the two blondes echoing through the hotel room.

 “Heard worse,” Noah shouted before they got back to their game.

 ***

 The boys loved the beach. Johnny and Moses jumped into the waves as they reached the shore, built sandcastles and even managed to bury Charity in the sand while she was napping. Noah had met a few lads his own age, and they played with their surfboards, with the promise not to go out too far, not that Vanessa took her eyes off him for a second anyway.

 The sun was still high in the sky, but the beach had calmed down when the small family made their leave. Johnny and Moses held Noah’s hands, while Charity and Vanessa stayed wrapped together a few paces behind, as they searched for a restaurant for them to have dinner.

 “Charity!” Vanessa exclaimed out of the blue, scaring the crap out of the taller blonde.

 “What’s wrong babe?!” Charity’s voice made the boys stop and run back to the two women.

 “They’ve got chalk drawings!” The vet excitedly pointed out the small stall.

 “Seriously? I thought something was wrong.” The barmaid let out a shaky breath, as the boys ran away again towards a water fountain.

 “Sorry.” Vanessa leaned up on her tip toes to place a small kiss on Charity’s cheek. “They’re just like the one I got of Johnny when I brought him to Blackpool.”

 “I always wondered where you got that.” The taller blonde hummed as she watching the boys carefully.

 “You should get one of your boys.” Vanessa pointed out, catching the blonde off guard. “You know, something to remember.”

 “And here we have another good idea.” Charity placed a loving kiss on Vanessa soft lips, before turning towards the boys. “Boys. Time to get your gorgeous faces drawn.” The three blondes quickly came running, and much to Charity’s surprise she got no protests.

 “Group? Or three singles?” The man at the stall asked as he set up a clean sheet of paper.

 “The three of them in a group please.” Charity smiled brightly, as Noah sat in the middle with Johnny and Moses at either side, bright smiles plastered on her all their faces.

 “Charity, you don’t have to include Johnny if you don’t want to. I won’t get offended.” Vanessa smiled shyly.

 “Babe, you said I should get one of my boys.” The barmaid lovingly wrapped her arms around Vanessa's waist from behind, as the pair watched the artist draw their boys. “News flash babe, Johnny-bobs is mine whether you like it or not.” She whispered sweetly, before placing a small kiss just under her ear.

 “You’re something else, you know that right?” Vanessa purred as she laced their fingers together. This was everything she had ever wanted, without even knowing it. Johnny had two parents who loved him, and now he had brothers who adored him. They were a family, at long last.

 “Tomorrow night, I’m going to ask Noah to watch the boys for a few hours.” The taller blonde whispered as her spare hand played with the end of Vanessa’s heart necklace. She was finally ready, she knew that now. She loved Vanessa with all her heart, and she wanted her to know that.

 “Oh really?”

 “Yes, you treated me to this holiday. Now it’s my turn to treat you.” Charity smiled happily, her plans for the next day swimming around her head.

AO3 Link

[tinknevertalks]

James watson

Ooooh, this is gonna stretch my brain. Thank you!

Why I like them  - He’s clever, but still humble. And still open to his feelings even though he’s a Victorian gentleman. I like that.Why I don’t - I don’t have a reason to not like him. Maybe his last speech in Bhalasaam, about missing something? Nah. He’s cool. :)Favorite episode (scene if movie) - Ooooh, either Normandy or Tempus.Favorite season/movie - Uhm, he’s not been in many, but any of the Adam Worth eps he was in. XDFavorite line - ‘Burnt down any laboratories recently?’ or any time he said Himalayas. Looooove!Favorite outfit - His Normandy outfit.OTP - John/James.Brotp - Ooooh, either Helen/James or Nigel/James.Head Canon - He liked Helen, but he was just head over heels for John and transferred those feelings onto Helen because she could openly love John... He was great with logical reasoning but emotional thoughts? Not so much. (But, to be fair, neither of them we’re 100% into it - James as explained, Helen because of healing after John’s betrayal.)Unpopular opinion - I’m glad he was in those few episodes. If they used him more I don’t think I’d’ve liked him so much.A wish - More John/James.An oh-god-please-don’t-ever-happen - Thankfully the show is over, but I think I’d’ve been unhappy if we had an explicitly Helen/James scene. Like, I like the ambiguity of Helen calling him darling, but nothing concrete. (Yes, you cut me in half you’d see Teslen shipper written through me like a piece of Blackpool rock. XD)5 words to best describe them - Clever, dashing, cool, passionate, maddening.My nickname for them - Jimmy!!! XD

[teamfreewill-imagine]

I Know Your Wife (She Wouldn’t Mind) - Part Twelve

Summary: You fly out for Asylum and meet up with the rest of the cast, only to find out that you have to do your first ever solo panel in front of two thousand fans Words: 4.4k (+ tweets) Jared x Reader x Gen, Misha, Kim, Briana, Danneel, Jensen, JJ Warnings: smut-ish phone calls, mild angst, fluff Beta: @blacksiren

IKYW Masterpost

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In-flight wifi was a God sent gift on the flight to London.

Despite appearing calm and feeling tired, you couldn’t get to sleep for the first few hours due to anxious energy.

You decided to catch up on a Netflix show that Gen had recommended to you, seeing as you probably had a while before you’d be able fall asleep.

The second episode was almost finished when your phone buzzed with a twitter notification, so you waited for it to end before checking twitter.

Now you were the one with a twinge in your heart as you read Danneel’s tweet.

You typed out a reply without thinking about it, hitting ‘tweet’ before you realised that you hadn't posted anything to social media since your baby announcement.

You contemplated deleting it straight away, but likes were already coming in so you knew that someone would have a screenshot anyway.

It was weird for you to think that people would have you on tweet notifications, but the speed that the reactions were coming in couldn’t have all been coincidence.

Deciding to leave the tweet as it was, you muted your phone and put it down in your bag.

You wouldn’t have known what to say if you’d planned your comeback to twitter anyway, so you figured this was an okay way to go.

Pushing the issue to the back of your mind, you continued onto episode three.

The flight landed at Heathrow airport twenty minutes late, so you called Danneel the second you were left in the lounge.

She picked up on the first ring.

“I’ve been waiting for this call for hours,” she told you in place of a greeting, and you laughed softly.

“I called as soon as I could, the plane was just-”

“I know, I know, a little bit late,” she sighed. “I’m still allowed to worry about my girl.”

“Well, no need to worry,” you assured her. “I even grabbed a couple hours.”

You smiled thanks to the member of staff that brought your luggage to you.

“I’m gonna try and sleep some more in the car, but with Misha with me I’m not sure that’ll work,” you told Danneel, surprised to hear a deeper voice on the other end of the line.

“Hey kiddo, you alive?” Jensen asked, and you laughed again.

“Yeah, I’m alive,” you confirmed, hearing Danneel ask for her phone back in the background.

“Does that mean we can go to sleep now?” Jensen yawned, and you found yourself catching the yawn from all the way across the Atlantic.

“Yeah,” you told him. “Tell Dan that she doesn’t need to worry and that I’ll be fine.”

“Y/N says you can stop being a little bitch about it now that she’s landed safe.”

“Hey!” you laughed. “That’s not what I said.”

“He was worried, too,” Danneel insisted, and you rolled your eyes.

“Y’all are such parents,” you teased. “I’m fine. I’ll see you when I talk to Tex later.”

“Okay,” Danneel agreed. “We’ll sleep, but I still want you to text me.”

“Of course,” you assured her, pausing. “How is she?”

“Sleeping,” Danneel told you. “Missing you and Baby Dits.”

You sighed, the twinge back in your heart.

“I’ve never been homesick before but I think that sentence just made me.”

“Try and enjoy yourself,” she reminded you before breaking off into a yawn of her own.

You nodded, contemplative.

“Okay, well,” you sighed. “Goodnight, guys. Get some sleep.”

“Night, sweetheart,” Jensen murmured. “Stay safe.”

You smiled, looking down at your lap.

“Yeah,” you sighed. “You too.”

With one last ‘love you’ from Danneel, you hung up the phone.

Due to the slight delay of your flight, you had less time to wait before Misha would arrive. It was still a twenty-five minute wait, but you could entertain yourself for that long.

Getting comfortable in your armchair, it suddenly hit you how far away you were from home, and from JJ.

JJ, who’d already been asking her mom when you were coming home.

You pulled your headphones from your bag, reminding yourself that you’d be talking to her later and that she was safe and sleeping soundly with her family nearby as you searched for what you wanted on Spotify.

You closed your eyes as the Tangled soundtrack started to play.

Surprisingly, Misha was on board with your plan to sleep on the way up to Blackpool.

“It’s a five hour drive, and when we get there it’ll barely be lunchtime,” he reminded you once you were in the car. “So I think sleeping in here makes sense. You and the baby need rest.”

“Baby Ditto,” you corrected, the two of you looking at each other before you burst out laughing. “It’s… sorry. JJ’s name for the baby. Everyone else has been using it, I guess you should, too.”

“Alright, kiddo,” he laughed, shifting in his seat so he was leaning against the window. “You and Baby Ditto need rest.”

Misha was right, you definitely needed the rest.

The two of you were the first of the guests to arrive at the hotel, but you managed to get to your rooms without too much disruption.

Once you’d deposited your suitcases, Misha suggested going on a walk along the coast to find somewhere to eat.

The scent of the sea hit you as you walked down the promenade towards the pier.

The two of you were wearing sunglasses, but nothing else to disguise who you were, and you couldn’t help but remember that there were thousands of Supernatural fans in the city right now.

“It’s not that much of a problem,” Misha assured you. “Maybe someone will snap a picture of us together and the heat will be off Jensen in the rumour department for a while.”

You pulled a face as he looked down to see your reaction.

“Hey!” he gasped, offended. “I’m a good looking guy!”

“I didn’t deny that,” you laughed. “But… dude.”

He shook his head.

“Am I really that repulsive?” he asked and you stopped walking, standing in front of him.

“Nobody said you’re repulsive,” you reminded him, “But you’re more than twice my age. Are you actually offended?”

He finally cracked a smile, and you hit his chest.

“You’re an ass,” you told him, starting to walk again. “I thought I’d actually hurt your feelings by saying I didn’t want to bang you.”

He smirked, throwing his arm around your shoulders.

“There are plenty of girls your age that want to bang me,” he told you, and you rolled your eyes. “I’m not kidding, you should see what people write about me.”

“You need to stop lurking on your tumblr tag,” you told him, and he laughed.

“I don’t read them,” he assured you. “There’s a lot of Deanity shit on that site, too.”

You pulled another face and he took his arm from your shoulders to shove his hands in his pockets.

“People need to stop shipping me with people old enough to be my dad,” you murmured, and he raised an eyebrow at you.

“Dean and Trinity have the same age gap as you and Jare-”

“Shut up,” you groaned, elbowing his side.

You continued to walk in silence, the ocean glistening in the sun.

“Have you seen the theory about it actually being Jeff’s kid?” Misha asked, and you let out a shocked laugh.

“What?” you asked, incredulous. “You’re kidding.”

He shook his head, laughing.

“No, apparently people think his tweet was a double bluff,” he told you.

“I’ve met him literally one time,” you argued, and he held his hands up in defeat. “Hilarie was there the whole time.”

“I thought you swung both ways,” he teased, and you shoved him.

“Shut up,” you laughed. “God, why do I tell you anything?”

“Because I could say literally anything at conventions and people would take it as a joke,” he offered. “I’ve spilled so many secrets by accident but the fans write it off as ‘Misha fucking with us’.”

You nodded, knowing that to be true.

“Also, I didn’t hear any complaints about Jeff’s age,” he mentioned, sub-casually. “He’s older than me.”

“You,” you sighed, shaking your head. “You are a pain in the ass.”

You were both laughing when you heard a call of Misha’s name across the street.

You looked across to see a couple of girls trying to cross the road to see you.

“You have to take the lead, here,” you told him, pushing your sunglasses back up into your hair as he tucked his into his shirt.

“They’re just people,” he reminded you, smiling as there was a lull in traffic and the girls rushed over to your side of the road.

You FaceTimed Danneel once you were back in your hotel room, knowing that they’d be awake despite the time difference.

You had a few minutes to talk to her before JJ came bursting in, demanding to speak to you.

“Ditto, when you coming home?” she asked you, before even saying hello as she crawled into her mom’s lap.

“Twelve days,” you told her, smiling sadly. “It’ll go quick though, I promise.”

“Daddy said he gets to see you nex’ week,” she pouted. “An’ I gotta wait a whole twelve days?”

“Daddy’s gotta come to Rome,” you reminded her. “You and your mommy are staying home with Arrow and Zeppy.”

“Tom an’ Shep get to go,” she argued, and you looked to Danneel for help.

“Aunt Mama and Uncle Jared are both going,” Danneel answered her daughter. “So the boys gotta go, too.”

“Then they can take me,” she said with a tone of finality.

Danneel sighed, kissing the top of JJ’s head.

“I’m not sure,” she told her. “But I promise you can talk to Ditto every day.”

JJ nodded, looking at you on the screen in front of her.

“Every day?” she asked you, and you nodded.

“Every day,” you promised. “Tell me what you did yesterday.”

The change in subject worked to distract JJ for a few minutes, telling you all about her day, conveniently missing out - as Danneel told you later - the amount of tantrums she threw at bedtime because you weren’t there.

By the time the call ended, you felt like a weight had been lifted from your chest.

You made JJ promise to go to sleep without a fuss while you were away, and she agreed on the condition that you got to have a full Ditto and Tex day when you got back.

As if that was gonna be a chore.

Your phone told you that it was just after 4pm local time, so 10am back home.

You’d texted Jared and Gen when you’d got to Blackpool, and they’d replied a couple of hours ago, so you knew that they were awake.

You decided to call Genevieve to see if they were available to talk at all.

Maybe you were a little homesick. You were in a different country for the first time ever and you missed your family, it was understandable.

You thought it was going to ring out - figuring that they were busy and they’d call you back later - but they picked up on what must’ve been the last ring.

“Hey.”

Just the one word told you that Jared was out of breath.

“Hey,” you laughed softly. “What, did you lose Gen’s phone or something?”

He laughed, breathlessly.

“Or something,” he told you. “How are you? How was the flight?”

Something was still off about his voice, but you were so happy to be talking to him that you didn’t really notice.

“I’m good, and it was long,” you smiled, leaning back against your headboard.

You heard Gen laugh slightly in the background, and you rolled your eyes.

“Mature,” you teased.

Jared laughed too, followed by a cut-off groan from Gen.

Suddenly, you sat bolt upright.

“Are you guys…?” you asked, shaking your head. “Shit, are you fucking?”

Jared laughed, low and deep, before Genevieve answered.

“Didn’t take you long to catch on,” she teased, and you smirked, finding your confidence.

“I’d know the sound of your moans anywhere,” you told her, causing one of those moans to leave her lips. “Anyway, I’ll leave you to it.”

“Or,” Jared offered, “You could stay.”

You bit your lip, when you realised what he was implying.

“I could?” you asked, hearing Gen’s breathless laugh on the other end of the line.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “You could.”

You’d just got out of the shower when there was a knock on your hotel room door.

You were only in a towel, your hair dripping down your back, so you called out for them to give you a minute.

You pulled on a sweater - one of Gen’s that you’d only just noticed she’d added to your case - and a pair of sleep shorts. It wasn’t what you wanted to be wearing, but you didn’t want to leave whoever was at the door waiting for too long.

You ran your hands through your wet hair as you walked to the door, opening with an apology on your lips.

Briana cut off your apology by pulling you into a hug.

“Woah, hey,” you smiled as she pulled back. “Good to see you, too.”

“What’s new, hot mama?” Kim asked, pushing past the two of you and making herself comfortable in your room.

You laughed softly, letting Briana in and closing the door behind you.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?” you asked, perching on the arm of the couch that they’d thrown themselves onto.

“You’re part of the ‘Hot Supernatural Mama’s Club’ now,” Briana told you, and you raised an eyebrow.

“There’s a club?” you asked, and Kim laughed.

“Not officially,” she told you. “But, you know, congrats on the baby.”

You nodded, running a hand over your small bump through the sweater.

“Thanks,” you smiled. “But I didn’t do all the work, Jared should get half the credit.”

Their eyes shot to each other for a moment, before looking back at you.

“Ah,” you cringed. “I thought… I thought you knew.”

“We did not,” Kim told you, sitting up straighter.

You sighed, shaking your head.

“We can keep a secret,” Briana assured you.

“I know, and most of the current cast and crew know anyway. Other than the Supernatural people it’s still hush-hush,” you explained. “Jared’s the father. And I’m kinda… in a relationship with him and Gen.”

They nodded slowly, before a smirk found it’s way onto Kim’s face.

“Sounds hot,” she teased, and you laughed.

“You have no idea.”

She rolled her eyes when Briana’s jaw dropped open, changing the subject to what they really came to your room for.

“Have you looked at the schedule?” Kim asked, and you shook your head.

“I was gonna check it when I was out of the shower but…” you trailed off, your wet hair finishing your sentence for you.

“You’ve got a solo panel tomorrow,” she explained, and your entire demeanor changed.

“Wh-” you cleared your throat, “What?”

“It’s about time, really,” Briana admitted. “You’re main cast, sweetie.”

You shook your head, laughing awkwardly.

“Do you think the organisers realise how much the fans hate me?” you joked, but Kim didn’t find it funny.

“We have our duo ops during your panel,” she told you. “So we can’t even just force our way onto the stage.”

“We heard what happened with Kat last time,” Briana added. “We wanted to check up on you, but-”

“I’ll be able to handle it,” you insisted. “If anybody starts on me, I’ll get security to ask them to leave. It’ll be okay.”

They both nodded, unsure.

“You also have a panel with Misha on Sunday,” Kim informed you. “Which, honestly, I’m unsure whether that’s better or worse than being alone.”

You laughed, shaking your head and looking down at your feet, wiggling your toes. You wondered, absently, how long it would be before your bump obscured the view.

“Anyway,” Briana smiled, getting to her feet. “Put some pants on, we’re going out.”

You raised an eyebrow, and she grinned.

“Supernatural Hot Mama’s Club, plus Katherine. We’re going out for drinks,” she told you, and you laughed, shaking your head.

“I’m very much not going to be drinking,” you reminded her, but she just shrugged.

“Then you can have a Coke or something.”

“I’m on low caffeine, too,” you admitted, and they rolled their eyes.

“Jesus, then a Sprite, whatever,” Kim told you. “Come out with us. We’ll get food. It’ll be fun.”

You agreed when you realised they weren’t giving up on it.

“What kinda hippy-ass diet have the Padaleckis got you on?” Briana murmured as you ushered her towards the door so you could get changed.

“One suitable for pregnant women that have no idea what they’re doing,” you shot back, and she laughed, hugging you again before patting your bump as she left.

“We’ll be back in fifteen. You better be dressed.”

You laughed, hugging Kim back and kissing her cheek as she followed Briana out into the hallway.

Kim was right, it was fun, and on Saturday morning you were grateful that you couldn’t drink.

You were tired enough from jet lag as it was, you weren’t sure you’d be able to cope with a hangover as well.

Luckily, all you had to do that morning was autographs.

You tried to interact with people - as much as the event staff would let you - so that their experience was as good as it should be for the price they paid.

You knew that you were down as a ‘special guest’, which meant that no level of ticket at this convention included an autograph or picture with you, so anybody in your line had paid extra just for this moment.

You answered questions about the baby when they weren’t too personal, and other questions about the show when you could without giving anything away.

One little girl nearly made you slip up, but you managed to recover it when she asked why you couldn’t tell anyone who the daddy was.

“It’s not fair for me to make that part of his life public,” you explained, gently. “Not yet, anyway.”

“Is he shy?” she asked, looking up at you with big, concerned eyes.

“He is quite shy, yeah,” you agreed, smiling sadly. “But he loves me and Baby Ditto very much, and that’s all that matters, right?”

She nodded, smiling as you signed her poster and handed it back to her.

Something in her innocence, in the lack of judgement in her expression and the concern radiating from her, made you want to tell her the truth.

But, then again, there were hundreds of people in that room - not to mention a PA you barely knew right next to you - so it was better you kept it to yourself.

They’d find out in time, anyway.

Your heart was racing as you walked out on stage, smiling and waving to the fans as if you weren’t silently freaking the fuck out.

You sat yourself down in the stool in the middle of the stage, and waited for the applause to die down.

Once there was a lull, you brought your mic to your lips to say hi.

“I miss Kat,” was what you said, instead.

The crowd started to laugh, and you let out a huff of amusement at yourself.

“I’m not kidding,” you admitted. “She’s like my comfort blanket at these things.”

“You’ll be great!” someone shouted, causing the people around her to clap and cheer.

“I honestly have no idea what to talk about for the next forty minutes,” you replied. “I need help on stage or y’all are gonna find out what a dork I am.”

You noticed the fans lined up at the side of the hall, realising that the first was being kept back by some of the event staff until you were ready to take some questions.

“Oh, please,” you told them, “Let them ask questions now, I have nothing interesting or funny to say. I need some help.”

The crowd laughed, and you smiled, wishing it wasn’t as true as it was.

The first girl stepped up to the mic.

“Hi,” she smiled. “My name’s Emily.”

“Hey, I’m Y/N,” you replied, and she laughed softly.

“My question is kind of boring,” she admitted. “I was wondering where your accent came from? Your IMDb says you’re from Los Angeles, but you don’t sound Californian.”

“Where’s yours from?” you asked, hedging the question for a bit.

“Cambridge,” she told you, blushing. “Well, just south of there.”

You nodded.

“Y’all here sound so much fancier than me,” you told them, and the crowd laughed. “I’m serious, like y’all don’t even have to try and it sounds like you got a Masters from Caltech or something.”

You waited for the laughter to die down before finally answering her question.

“I’m actually from Oklahoma,” you told her, nodding when her eyes said ‘really?’. “Born and raised. I moved to LA when I was eighteen.”

“With your family?” Emily asked and you cleared your throat.

“No, ah- on my own,” you corrected. “It was a clean slate, fresh start kind of thing.”

She nodded, thanked you for answering her question, and then left to find her seat again as the next fan took to the mic.

“Hey, it’s kind of a continuation of the last question,” he mentioned, and you nodded. “When you sign autographs, you don’t use your last name. Is that… is that a conscious thing?”

You pulled in a long breath.

You’d wanted questions, and you were getting them, but you didn’t really want to be talking about this.

“I, uh,” you forced a short laugh. “It’s conscious, yeah. I don’t associate myself with that name, really.”

He nodded in understanding.

“So, your baby-”

“Two minutes,” you interrupted, grinning. “Sorry, I had a bet with Briana to see how long my panel would go before the baby was mentioned. Sorry, continue.”

He laughed softly, a blush rising on his cheeks.

“Will your baby take your name?”

“No,” you said, more blunt than you intended under the circumstances. “Sorry, no, my surname ends with me. Baby Ditto will take its father’s name.”

He nodded, looking like he wanted to say something else but not wanting to push his luck.

“What is it?” you asked, kindly. “C’mon, I don’t scare easy.”

“I was just thinking… isn’t it lonely?” he asked. “Not talking to your family? Your parents?”

You shook your head.

“It’s… it used to be,” you allowed. “But now… it’s different. Danneel called me, earlier. Just while we were breaking for lunch, she’d just woken up with the twins so she called to check on me.”

‘Aww’s went around the hall, and you smiled, nodding.

“She’s the only mom I need, y’know?”

The fan at the mic nodded, apologising for the personal questions.

“It’s okay,” you assured him, and he thanked you before leaving the line.

The next girl stepped up as your phone started buzzing in your pocket.

“Shit, sorry, one sec,” you smiled, pulling your phone out to see Danneel trying to connect with a FaceTime call. “Speak of the devil.”

You answered the call with your mic to your lips, ready to talk to Danneel on stage and tease her for interrupting your panel.

To your surprise, JJ’s face lit up the screen.

“Uh, Tex, what are you doing with Mommy’s phone?” you asked, and the crowd burst out laughing.

“Mommy said I could play on it,” she told you, looking very proud of herself.

“Does calling me count as playing?” you asked, and she shrugged.

“She said I could talk to you later,” she offered. “And… it’s later, Ditto.”

‘Aww’s flooded the room once more, and JJ frowned at you.

“Wassat?” she asked.

You stood up, turning around so that she could see the audience.

“I’m on stage, sweetie,” you explained as the people behind you waved.

She lifted a hand and waved back, still confused.

“Can I call you back in a bit?” you asked, and she nodded as you turned back to sit on the stool.

“Yeah,” she sighed, over-dramatic. Jensen had told you that was something she’d learnt from you, but you’d deny it until the day you died even though he was definitely right. “I just miss ya.”

“I miss you, too,” you smiled sadly.

“Is Baby Ditto okay? Have you been eatin’ veggies?” she asked, and you laughed softly, feeling yourself start to blush.

“Yes I have, sweetie,” you assured her,  turning your phone to face the audience. “Can you say bye-bye to all these people?”

“Yah, bye!”

There were calls of ‘goodbye’ from damn-near everyone in that hall, and you smiled as you turned the phone back to face you, seeing JJ’s grinning face.

“What kinda veggies?” she pressed, and you laughed fondly.

“I’ll talk to you later, okay?” you asked, and she nodded. “Alright, I love you.”

“I love you more,” she replied, automatically.

“And I love you most,” you responded, tapping your lips with two fingers before tapping the camera, and she did the same. “Bye, Tex.”

“See ya later.”

You hung up, putting your phone in your pocket before smiling an apology to the fan at the mic.

“Sorry about that. I promised I’d talk to her every day, and she gets a little impatient,” you laughed awkwardly, and she shook her head.

“That was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” she told you, and the crowd cheered in agreement. “And it actually works well, because my question was about the nicknames.”

You smiled, nodding.

“Ditto and Tex?” you asked, and she nodded. “It… Tex is just short for ‘Texas’. JJ’s got the cutest lil’ accent, so I’d been calling her ‘Lil Miss Texas’ and it kinda shortened from there.”

“And Ditto?” she questioned.

You couldn’t help but smile.

“Her dad calls me ‘kiddo’ more often than he calls me ‘Y/N’,” you explained. “The morning after I moved in, they told me I was gonna have to look after JJ all day-”

“Ditto daycare!” someone called out, and you laughed.

“Yeah, Ditto daycare,” you agreed. “But yeah, Jensen and JJ came into my room and she misheard ‘kiddo’ and called me ‘Ditto’. From then it’s stuck. The whole family calls the baby ‘Baby Ditto’.”

“That’s… really cute,” she told you, grinning. “You guys make such a cute family.”

“Tex is my best girl,” you agreed. “I’m lucky to have her as part of my family, now.”

Feedback warms my cold dead heart

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[theotherscarmanthewoman]

Series 2 Episode 2: Sweet Thumbelina don’t be glum (and other stories)

Anyway, the cat loses interest; perhaps it’s intending to eat the freshly-murdered Mr. Farrow instead. However, the Doctor rules out getting back to the ship just now, because cats are super-quick and he doesn’t fancy being a part of its diet. This has touched a nerve with Babs, who reckons this is getting more horrifying every moment; clearly being eaten by cats is something she, as someone whose flat (according to Ian in one of his douchier moments right at the beginning of the show) is probably full of stray animals like a sixties Disney Princess (well, she’s got the physics-defying hair for it), fears above all things. Just thought I'd bring up that little gem. What is more likely is that, as discussed in previous episodes, the relentless threat of death is starting to Bother our Babs. Susan asks whether they ought to try communicating with the people here, but the Doctor and Ian are against it because of Science: they’ll sound like a squeak and the unshrunk humans will sound like a low growl. Barbara, however, has other fears: that they will be seen as freaks who will be put in glass cases and examined under microscopes. We seem to be learning a lot about Barbara’s phobias this week. The Doctor has another important thing to add: the people who live in this house are murderers and therefore have insane and/or criminal minds and are incapable of showing sympathy and understanding. So there. You share those Victorian attitudes to mental health, Doctor! Though to be fair, he's not wrong about the whole 'don't put your trust in murderers' thing.

Babs wonders whether they oughtn’t to do something about that there murder; the Doctor reckons they can do sod-all in their current state. But before they can get into it, a giant leg approaches—everybody run! AND OH WE HAVE TRIPPAGE! BARBARA HAS GONE OVER ON HER ANKLE PURELY FOR THE PURPOSES OF SPLITTING UP THE GROUP. Though it should be noted that Susan tries to go back for her. Yes Susan. (As well you might, after Babs was willing to be guillotined rather than leave you behind when you were afflicted with that narratively-convenient headache.) The Doctor and Susan head over to a pipe, while Ian gets Barbara to join him in the briefcase. Looming above the briefcase is our murderous businessman Forester, who is chatting to Smithers the Scientist, who is wearing a lab coat because he is a Scientist. He tries to tell him some cock-and-bull story about Farrow stealing the formula and accidentally shooting himself, but a brief examination of the body (which merely looks like a pen has exploded over its shirt) puts paid to that. Smithers, rather coolly, advises him not to try that shit with the police, as Farrow has clearly been shot through the heart from some feet away. No flies on Smithers. (Or on anyone, if DN6 makes it to production. Yeah I’m paying attention to the plot!) Anyway, the reason Smithers is so unfazed by the body is because apparently he’s seen people dying of starvation all over the world, which is why he’s been developing DN6. And he’s been working crazy hours for the past year to do it, too, and is pissed off that Forester didn’t just try to bribe Farrow instead. Forester reckons he can make it look like a boating accident seeing as how Farrow was off on his French river cruise…which I seriously doubt, seeing as how the body will still have a gunshot wound in it when the police find it washed up on the Riviera. Smithers doesn’t give a shit as long as he can stop people starving to death. Which is a noble cause, but surely DN6 wouldn’t actually achieve this if what it’s really doing is causing widespread crop failure because all the pollinators have been wiped out. Anyway, Forester is going to get on with his dastardly scheme…but he’s going to take Farrow’s briefcase back into the lab first. Because of reasons. In the lab, Ian and Babs emerge from the briefcase, looking green around the gills; Babs says it was worse than the Big Dipper. Which just adds to my ongoing ‘Barbara and Ian go to a fairground and are reminded of all sorts of fucked-up stuff from their adventures with the Doctor’ head canon. Also, I choose to believe they once went to Blackpool on a school trip in an advisory capacity and it was basically like a Willy Russell film only with Carole Ann Ford instead of a kid called Carol. Also also, Ian’s lament—‘of course it had to happen to us­—of all the places to pick, we had to choose one that was movable’—is the story of their lives. Barbara reflects ruefully that she’s bashed her knee on a large piece of metal that turns out to have been a paperclip; Barbara’s sense of the absurd continues to be prevalent.

Anyway, because she’s done her ankle in, she’d like to find some water to bathe it in. Sigh. I should note at this point that I have cruckled my ankles several times and it’s absolute agony, but seriously they could’ve found another way to get these two into the briefcase and then to the sink. Why are women’s ankles always a plot device and why do men never go over on them? Outside, Forester and Smithers are moving the body. They take it past a drain, inside which the Doctor and Susan are lurking. Susan’s seen Forester take the briefcase, and the Doctor nearly falls down the drain when he goes over to investigate the drainpipe, which he pronounces smelly. In fact it has an awful chemical smell, which means it’s a special pipe and probably leads inside the house, and the Doctor intends to climb up it. It’s corroded so it’s got lots of handholds and footholds, and the chemical smell mean’s it’s germ-free. So no tetanus for the Gallifreyans, then, just maybe a few hideous chemical burns. Then a beautiful thing happens:

SUSAN: It's too far for you, Grandfather. DOCTOR: Well, if it is, I shall have to give up, and I'm not going to give up before I've tried. And remember, you must think of the other two. They must be constantly reminding themselves they're only one inch high. There's only the two of us to help them. SUSAN: All right. But you let me go first. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, go on.

YES CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! The Doctor is willing to scale a giant drainpipe full of chemicals to help his humans, despite his age and despite Susan’s protests, and is actually advocating thinking of others before thinking of oneself. I mean he doesn’t particularly care about the murder or the indiscriminate slaughter of small things all around him, but still, he now cares about literally twice as many people in the universe as he did at the beginning of the first series. Also he is actually displaying empathy here, which might be a first. Meanwhile, back on the workbench, Ian has failed to find ankle-bathing water, but that’s ok because Babs is fine now. Apart from the shocking bruise on her knee, that is. I wonder is Barbara in some way related to Arthur Dent? Anyway, Ian wishes there’s something he could do to help her, but is it just me or is it quite nice to see them worrying about something so normal as a bumped knee? They go off exploring. Back in the pipes, Susan is checking up on her Grandfather’s progress. Handholds and footholds or no handholds and footholds, it’s impressing that they are essentially scaling a crazy-high climbing wall without the aid of a safety harness. You go, Gallifreyans. Meanwhile, Ian is pointing out features of interest such as Enormous Test Tubes to a politely interested Barbara. Which only adds to my ongoing collection of ‘post-Doctor Babs and Ian go on holiday’ headcanons. They come across a large pile of grain which looks to me an awful lot like giant Sugar Puffs. Which, after having consulted the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Wikipedia, I can confirm is because Sugar Puffs are in fact puffed-up grains of wheat. Which is what this is. Also, did you know that Sugar Puffs (well, Quaker Oats) helped finance the 1966 film The Dalek Invasion of Earth 2150AD? And that posters for said breakfast cereal can be seen all over the film? And that Sugar Puffs held a giveaway competition in which the grand prize was a Dalek prop from the film? WIKIPEDIA, WIKIPEDIA, WE THANK THEE FOR THIS BOON. But seriously, this is some of the best googling I’ve ever done.

Anyway, Babs doesn’t have access to Wikipedia and is clearly not a fan of Sugar Puffs, because she asks Ian whether he reckons it’s corn or wheat; Ian says wheat, so it must be true. He then turns his back for a couple of seconds while Barbara is a FUCKING IDIOT and picks up one of the grains to confirm that yes, this is wheat. Have you forgotten all about the Doctor telling the gang not to eat or drink anything (and by extension handle food and drink) because of the indiscriminate deadly insecticide, Babs? Having put it down, she realises it’s covered in sticky stuff like toffee. Maybe she’s not being dumb and actually thinks she’s come across a pile of Sugar Puffs? Ian, however, is distracted by a book of litmus paper, and is so busy pretending to be a Shakespearean Emo mulling over how often he’s held such a piece of paper between his fingers that he doesn’t find it weird that Babs has asked for his handkerchief, nor notice that she is wiping her hands vigorously with it. Ian is also stupid this week. Having said that, it is rather poignant that Ian has found himself in his former work environment and that he is now using a book of litmus paper as a bench. The humans are bearing these insults to their reality that make it so utterly absurd rather well.

Anyway, Ian reckons that whatever is killing the insects has been sprayed onto the grain. Barbara, meanwhile, claims to have forgotten all about the Doctor’s warning about whatever killed the bugs being fatal to them, too. Because of course you’d forget something like that. Ian is so busy warning her not to touch stuff and pontificating about the distinctive aroma of the stuff that’s coating the wheat that he doesn’t notice how worried Barbara has suddenly become, how weird it is that she keeps scrubbing at her hands, OR THAT THE SMELL IS NOW ON HER AND THE HANDKERCHIEF. UGH this serial drives me crazy. AND SHE DOESN’T TELL HIM SHE’S GOT THE DEADLY STUFF ALL OVER HER HANDS. I mean fair enough, at first it’s because he’s prattling away and not listening to her attempts to interject, BUT THEN WHEN HE'S ACTUALLY LISTENING SHE DOESN’T CONVEY VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR NO REASON AT ALL. BARBARA, I KNOW HE’S A FUSSPOT WHO WORRIES ABOUT YOU EVEN WHEN YOU’VE JUST BASHED YOUR KNEE ON A PAPERCLIP, BUT THIS IS NO TIME TO BE SO FUCKING STOICAL. Babs is super downcast, but Ian doesn’t think this is so unusual and apparently takes this for perfectly normal despair. Even though Barbara is the kind of person who will tear a bed apart with her bare hands if there’s the slimmest chance it will help her crowbar her way out of prison. (In fairness, Babs never despairs when Susan’s around, but will occasionally get maudlin around Ian…but still, he should be more intuitive by now and know something is up.) He decides to cheer her up with blind optimism, suggesting all they need is a piece of string to get down to ground level. Then by heart breaks a bit, because Babs—automatically, it seems—corrects him, saying that at their size string is too thick, and what they need is a reel of cotton. And she catches herself. And suddenly the full ridiculousness of everything catches up with her. And she’s angry. And even though I’m pissed off that she’s being idiotic about this whole ‘probably dying but not going to tell anyone’ thing, I love that we get to see more of Barbara dealing with the absurd, because it’s consistent with the way she’s been going since The Aztecs and the way we saw her in The Reign of Terror. As I’ve said, being home (which they don’t mention at all) but the wrong size and having to scurry about like Borrowers is one insult too many to their sense of reality; they’re an inch high in their own world and it’s made home alien, and for Barbara at least this is the last fucking straw.

(It is at this point that I finally gain access to the DVD player for an evening, so expect gratuitous use of infotext from hereon in.) Ian, who hasn’t employed the Chesterton Neck Pinch for a while, decides that the time is ripe to grab the bestie by the shoulders and give her a good shake. Because this is what being on Earth again does to Ian. Le sigh. However, he must be given token emotional intelligence points for telling Babs to forget about how absurd it all is and concentrate on getting back. Which is pretty much where their characters had been going all last season. Barbara, Barbara, don’t let the crazy grind you down. Although in this case a large part of Barbara’s mopey turn is because she is worried that she’s going to drop dead like that bumblebee from last week. Anyway, Barbara rallies round, and Ian suggests they use the paperclips from the briefcase to make a ladder. Which, according to the infotext, ‘was Barbara’s idea until a late revision to the script’. THANK YOU, INFOTEXT, FOR THIS EVIDENCE OF BARBARA’S RESOURCEFULNESS BEING GIVEN AWAY TO IAN FOR REASONS. She suggests they also try to find out more about the death glaze (insecticide) in the briefcase, but is shot down by Ian who scoffs at her and says the other thing is much more important. AND INFOTEXT STRIKES AGAIN: ‘Ian wasn’t as dismissive of Barbara’s scripted suggestion that the briefcase would “tell us what they do here” either.’ SCRIPT REVISIONS, Y U MAKE IAN A DICKHEAD? Well, presumably for more dramatic tension, as Babs once again scrubs at her hands with Ian’s handkerchief like Lady Macbeth, but still, UGH. Back in ‘the pipe of black drapes’ (thank you, infotext), the Doctor is bloody knackered but persevering. Meanwhile, Ian is offscreen trying to figure out how to open the briefcase and refusing Barbara’s help. Because I swear to god the 1960s make Ian a bellend. He isn’t being particularly Sciency, but is just pushing the clasp; Babs suggest he tries right to left; ‘great minds think alike’, quoth Ian. BUT OH WHAT’S THIS? IT’S A GIANT FLY! MOVING AROUND LIKE THE ANIMATRONIC MARVEL IT IS JUST BEHIND BARBARA…WHO HASN’T SEEN IT! Ian opens the briefcase in manly triumph, but is somewhat deflated to discover that Babs is not sharing in his victory. That is because she is now staring at the giant fly with an expression on her face that is more resigned than terrified. As she backs away…SHE SWOONS! We have a swoon! Because this is what Barbara does in this serial. Mostly because she’s, Y’KNOW, DYING, but I don’t like how everyone’s meant to not notice she’s ill because ladies just swoon when they see giant flies. Especially ladies who have taken on Daleks and brains in jars and all manner of unsavoury characters without having had a fit of the vapours; it’s just what they do.

Enter Ian; the fly buzzes off, and he once again showcases his excellent fireman’s lift technique as he hoists Babs over his shoulder to…safety? I dunno, AWAY. Oh but here come Smithers and Forester. Smithers sasses Forester about being so dumb he’s not noticed the blood all over the patio, then assures him that he’s just in it For The Science. And he has Crazy Eyes just so we know how much he’s in it For The Science. AAAAAH and here comes possibly my favourite of the Giant Sets: THE SINK. With an actual plughole! Out of which the Doctor and Susan have clambered, and next to which the Doctor is currently lying flat on his back looking absolutely fucking knackered. Never before has a Doctor been so relatable when it comes to physical exertion. Soon, however, he’s giving Susan a lesson about echo chambers (the sink is acting like one) and admitting to not having a Scooby as to the whereabouts or indeed condition of the Space Baes.

And OH infotext, you have more gems for me: apparently, when Babs woke up from her swoon in the script, she struggled more against the Chesterton Shoulder Grab (applied with the superhuman reflexes of a man waiting for the Bae to regain consciousness) because she thought it was the fly savaging her—a thought conveyed through the following words: IS THIS THE GHASTLY EMBRACE? Oh Louis Marks. Calmed by Ian’s slightly less ghastly embrace, Babs establishes her ok-ness, while Ian tells her she gave him ‘the fright of his life’ when he saw her standing lying there. Which is to be expected, because he loves you yeahhhh yeahhh yeahhhh. (Sorry, I’ll stop making Beatles jokes.) Oh Ian, babes, I’m glad you’re telling her about your Feelings but right now she’s more concerned about the whereabouts of the fly. Which buzzed off when the humans scared it...ONTO THE PILE OF SEEDS, WHERE IT LANDED AND DIED INSTANTLY. RUH-ROH. Babs, understandably shitting herself, demands to see the dead fly; Ian once again mistakes Barbara being legit worried about dying (BUT NOT TELLING ANYONE) for Barbara just being morbid, and tries to get into the mood, relishing telling her how it must have died the moment it landed. I…I can’t even lambast Ian for being an insensitive dick here, because reading his OTT speculations as to the fly’s hideous demise as a response to Babs staring at the dead fly like he’s trying to indulge Babs in her increasingly Susan-like antics is just too funny. Though BOY does he get it wrong: Babs yells at him to stop it and turns away having mild hysterics. And Ian is just like ‘IAN DID BAD THING!?’, trotting over to her side like a concerned puppy. Pausing only to touch his hands with her insecticide-infected hands without consequence—in much the same way that the Doctor gets the smelly insecticide on him from that dead bee with no harm done (ARGH!)—Babs looks like she’s about to stop being a tit and tell him she’s dying, when… DAMMIT SUSAN! An amplified voice calls the humans’ names. Ian asks what Babs was about to tell him, and instead of telling him like a sensible person, Babs’s face lights up and she says it doesn’t matter because if they’ve found Susan it means they can get back to the ship. WHICH HELPS YOU HOW, BABS? I mean I’ve seen the end of this serial so I know getting back to the Tardis will indeed make everything ok, but do you at this point!?!? Ian punches her on the chin in delight, and off they pop in search of their Space Daughter.

Presenting: The Chesterton Chin Punch

Back in the sink, the Doctor is mansplaining acoustics to Susan the super-advanced space child who knows this baby science like the back of her hand. But hey, the Beeb has to inform its audience, so Susan has to be dumb again. Over the edge of the sink appear our two favourite teachers, and Susan is so excited to see them she has to hug her grandfather a bit. Babs and Ian marvel at their having managed to climb that drainpipe, and look cheery at the prospect of climbing down it, the loons. But first they have to climb down what is to them a thirty-foot plug chain down to the sink; Ian asks Babs whether she thinks she can make it; Babs cheerily reckons she can, and that it’ll be worth it just to Susan and the Doctor again. FAMILY. In your face, Chesterton. Who insists on going first. Outside, Smithers and Forester are clearing up the blood…which is now all over their hands so OH EM GEE THEY NEED TO USE THE SINK. And sure enough, the Doctor alerts the gang to the low rumbling of giant human voices. Babs and Ian scarper back up the chain, and the Gallifreyans jump back down the plughole. How tense! Smithers spots the dead fly and is enormously enthusiastic about the effects of DN6. Apparently he doesn’t now Farrow was trying to stop it because it worked too well. Back in the briefcase, the humans emerge and observe with some consternation that the tap is on…and OH MY GOODNESS SMITHERS HAS PULLED THE PLUG PUT AND SUSAN AND THE DOCTOR WILL BE DROWNED FOR SURE!

WILL THE GALLIFREYANS SURVIVE THIS ORDEAL BY WATER? WILL BARBARA STOP BEING A PRAT AND ACTUALLY TELL SOMEONE SHE'S DEFINITELY PROBABLY DYING AT SOME POINT? WILL IAN INVENT STILL MORE WEIRDLY COMBATIVE GESTURES OF AFFECTION/COMFORT TO MATCH THE CHESTERTON NECK PINCH, THE CHESTERTON SHOULDER RUB, AND THE CHESTERTON CHIN PUNCH? WILL THE GANG EVER GET BACK TO THEIR NORMAL SIZE, OR WILL THEY BE KNEE HIGH TO THUMBELINA FOR ALL ETERNITY? Summary (as applicable to this episode) Does it pass the Bechdel test? By a cat's whisker and only because I'm feeling generous. Is the gaze problematic? Nope. Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? Nope. High necks and dungarees all round. Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? YUP (yup). Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Nope. Though Barbara loitering behind for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be a plot point later is a variant of the same. Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? Both Ian and Barbara are sort of captured when they're carried off in a briefcase. Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? Ian has to fireman's lift Babs...somewhere? Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Yup. Babs is now dying. Does a woman have to deal with a sexual predator? Nope. Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No, but there is swooning. Does a woman faint at the sight of peril/horror or generally lose consciousness (discounting normal sleep)? Yes. Though a case could be made for Barbara's fainting fit as an early symptom of having been poisoned by insecticide. Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? To Ian, Babs probably goes into hysterics over something relatively minor, but we know she's freaking out because she knows she's probably going to die. 

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? Nope, this week it's Babs not letting on. Which brings me to another new category... Does a woman suffer in silence (to further the plot)? AND HOW. Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? Yes ish, as Ian refuses to believe that Susan and he have been shrunk. Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? Not enormously.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? Yup.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Yup. Babs and the insecticide. Though the Doctor and Susan are menaced a fair amount by the whole plughole situation.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No. The Doctor is actually motivated by empathy in his climbing endeavours this week.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? No. And as the infotext tells us, Babs's plan about paperclips is actually given to Ian in the revised script. BOO.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? Babs banging her knee on a paperclip gives Ian the paperclip ladder idea, though see above for how this was actually Barbara's idea originally.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? No.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? No need this week.

Does a woman get to be a badass? No. Well, Susan a bit, with the whole scaling-a-drainpipe thing, though so does the Doctor.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? No.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? It's the present day, so N/A. 

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? N/A. Does an past/future/alien person have the hots for a woman companion and is it reciprocated? N/A.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict

More entertaining than last episode, but CHRIST ON A BIKE the humans are dumb this week. Barbara doesn't tell Ian she's probably dying PURELY to rack up the dramatic tension and (later) get Team Tardis invested in the whole insecticide plot, and Ian (who ought to know Babs better by now) fails to notice that a) she's not just being morbid this week and b) she's wandering around with his handkerchief that must surely have that distinctive smell of insecticide all over it (as must she). I do appreciate all the little moments the humans have had this week dealing with reality slapping them in the face (Babs catching herself talking about shinning down a workbench on a reel of cotton and almost losing it is one of my favourite moments this week), and I really appreciate this ongoing thread (no pun intended) of them having to deal with not only danger but also situations that are so ridiculous as to rob them of all human dignity. The sets are particularly gorgeous this week (LOVE THAT SINK SET), and I adore the Doctor's little pep talk to Susan in which he actually shows empathy towards his humans. Susan has a lot of gumption this week and is adorable when she's waving up from the sink, but I really don't appreciate it when the writers make her dumb so the Doctor can educate the kids at home. Next week, let's not have women being uncharacteristically stupid just to further the plot, ok? Ok. 

[emuzeek]

leverage!

Thanks!

first thoughts: I first watched it when I was a kid so I don’t really remember, but I do remember liking Parker since the start and thinking she was cool.

first episode i watched: Season 1, Episode 1.

last episode i watched: Season 4, Episode 6, I think? Doing a rewatch with my family.an episode that makes me cry: Season 3, Episode 4 “The Scheherazade Job.“ That violin solo, every time.

an episode that makes me smile: All of them.  

favorite episode: Season 3, Episode 11 “The Rashomon Job.” Makes me cry of laughter every time.

the worst episode: Uh, I can’t remember them all well enough. I tend to dislike any with Chaos in them because he annoys me so much, but that just means the actor/writers did their job well.

favorite season: Probably Season 1 or 3. Season one was fantastic, and I remember Season 3 very fondly.

worst season: Maybe 5?

favorite moment/storyline: Just one? Um… maybe the Moreau storyline cause that includes a full season, and it had a lot of character development and exposition in it.

a story moment/storyline that shouldn’t have happened: None, they did a good job of making sure each part of the show was important.

saddest death: The show’s.

cutest moment: Probably one of Parker/Eliot/Hardison’s interactions.

favorite quote: Just ONE?! Umm.. “I got hit by a car” Get over it! -  Parker “The Boost Job.” I do so love that scene.

first character that i ever fell in love with: Parker.

my ‘baby light of my life’ fav character™: Parker.

my ‘hand selected from the trash’ fav character: Does Eliot count? He probably considers himself trash, but he’s not actually. If he doesn’t, then Sterling because he’s also fantastic.

my ‘literal angel never could do me wrong’ fav: Probably Hardison. Or Parker. Or both.

most hated character: Chaos, or Victor Dubenich, or Ian Blackpoole.

otp: Parker and Hardison.

brotp: Eliot and Hardison.

notp: Uhh… I don’t really know of any ships. 

unpopular opinion: I don’t know the fandom much so… maybe an unpopular opinion would be that I’m glad the characters did stupid things sometimes and still messed up because it made them much more realistic. I feel like that would be normal, but who knows.

something i would change: Nothing.

thoughts now: I’m incredibly happy I saw this show so young, because while it set the bar rather high, it gave me so many good memories.