#i’m just like… a big fat Meh across the board

[zjofierose]

we have been rewatching the mid-2000’s Battlestar Galactica, which i have seen before, and i was realizing last night that part of why i was feeling very meh about it is that, as a bisexual, it is very unusual for me to find basically no one in the cast attractive, but in BSG i really… don’t? like, character or actor, either one. which is wild! there’s a lot of characters! i don’t really find… any of them? compelling? and same with the actors of all genders? there are some that are like… ok. jamie bamber is reasonably hot, but he’s got a bad dye job and apollo is the sort of hotheaded dick i don’t generally go for. dualla is pretty, but a completely uninteresting character. i find starbuck and the chief and callie and boomer and helo and gaius and gaeta and six all actively off putting.

it’s just weird!! as someone who is attracted to all genders, it’s just really unusual for there to be no one in a cast of this size that piques my interest.

[scaplivingtogether]

Seven Crimes and Punishments- Living Together: Widows in the Basement

Chapter 10

Widows in the Basement

Back in the box, it has been an hour since the sinners returned to the box, Allen has chosen to return to Sickle with Behemo to explain his reasons for going to Yingmu without the sun god's consent. It was a quarter till noon. Nemesis was in the kitchen opening two large loafs of bread and starting spreading mayonnaise on them with a butter knife, then taking out the mustard, cheese, turkey, lettuce, tomato, and onion from the fridge, she seems to be making hero sandwiches for the sinners, just then Margarita returns from her gardening  duties from the backyard, covered in dirt and bringing with her is a basket full of spring onions.

"Hey! This ain't a barn, woman!" Nemesis snapped at the Marchioness.

"Sorry, I just got done tending to my leeks."

"Well no need tracking dirt everywhere, I'm making you guys lunch here."

"Oh good!" She sat down by the table and began looking at the ring she was given by Jun, completely unaware that it's an engagement ring. "It's a very pretty ring."

"And expensive, considering how my Dad was groveling over it." Nemesis sneered as she cracked open a can of Pepsi and took a gulp from it.

"I thought you swore off that beverage after seeing Gallerian's rump."

"Meh, I've seen more disturbing things compared to Dad's disgusting fat ass." She applies mustard on the bread loafs.

"I HEARD THAT, HUSSY!" Gallerian yelled in the other room.

"NO ONE'S EVEN TALKING TO YOU!...Where was I? Oh yeah, you want any potato salad?"

"No thank you, a sandwich and vegetable juice would do."

"Ok." She continued making the sandwich.

In the Living room

Kayo was napping with a pair of scissors close to her while covered in fabrics she brought home from Yingmu, Gallerian was showering himself in the kingdom's gold, Sateriasis was fresh from his second shower after having to make love to three crossdressers, and Riliane was playing chess with the said Duke, so far it's a tie, so and so that they have to get one of their kings in order to win the game.

"Move your King over here." Riliane said.

"I know what your doing, Brat, and your despicable for trying." Sateriasis said coldly.

"Said the guy who defiled thousands of women 24/7." Gallerian snidded.

"Your no better than me considering you defiled Nemesis's mother." The Duke joked before getting hit in the head by a hand sized ruby. "OW," he exclaimed knocking over the chess pieces.

"DON'T EVER SPEAK OF THAT INCIDENT AGAIN!" He spat at Sateriasis, which prompted Kayo to wake up. "Sorry Kayo."

"It's fine Judge, *yawn* I didn't mean to fall asleep." She stretched.

"No need to hit me though." Sateriasis began picking up the chess pieces, putting them back into their places.

"Hey! My Knight was a B6!" Riliane exclaimed.

"No it was a E2."

"B6!"

"E2!"

"B6!" The two went back and forth while pulling on the knight until Sateriasis snapped and flipped the game board over, startling the other sinners.

"THERE! YOU SEE THAT!? YOU SEE THAT, RILIANE!? NOW YOUR KNIGHT IS A BOOKCASE 5!"

"Now look who's calling who a brat." Riliane snidded at the Duke.

"Yeah well look who still comes out a winner? Me." He stood on top of the coffee table and  started swaying his hips left and right with his arms up. "Sateriasis wins again! Woop! Woop!"

"I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to stop doing that before I bust your ankle on this table." Riliane threatened with a dark tone in her voice.

"Hey hey there's no need to talk to him that way." Banica said as she came down the stairs with damp hair, finally clean from the grease and wood, she's wearing a red t-shirt and grey jean shorts.

"What's with the modern attire? Or is that body paint?" Riliane asked.

"My dress is currently in the wash because of the grease, so Nemesis's clothes is all I can wear until it's clean, and it fits me just right." Banica said as she ruffles her brown hair with a towel.

"Is Nemesis ok with that?" Kayo asked while rubbing her eyes.

"Yeah. I asked." She then threw the towel at Sateriasis. "So what's going on with you guys?"

"This pervert is acting like a big baby while the judicial play boy is throwing gems at him."

"Shut up Riliane." Gallerian said as he curled up into a ball, puffing his cheeks.

"LUNCH IS SERVED! COME AND GET IT!" Nemesis yelled at them from the kitchen while ringing a small bell that could be used for a servant.

"We're comiiiiing!" Riliane called, the sinners walked into the kitchen and soon enough they're at the table, Kayo seemed to be rubbing her eyes a little.

"Did you take a nap, Kayo?"

"Only a little bit, I got exhausted after tailoring with Yingmu's fabrics, you guys are gonna love the fruit of my labor." Kayo said sluggishly.

"Cool. Here's your sandwich, Ass-hat." Nemesis shoves the sub to her father, which he takes from her and proceeds eating it, only for him to gag a little.

"Was that tomato? You know that I hate tomatoes." He took out the half bitten tomato and gives it to Banica, who gladly ate it. Nemesis just rolled her eyes at him.

"So these are sandwiches?" Sateriasis asked, pointing at the sandwich.

"Yeah, you stuff your favorite cheeses, vegetables, and meats into two pieces or sides of bread." Banica said to the Duke. "And you eat like this." She picked up the sandwich and took a bite of it. "Nom nom nom."

"I see." Sateriasis eats it.

"A man stuck in the past, pitiful." Gallerian said.

"Put a sock in it, Dad." Nemesis said as she flicked his head.

"Hey hey hey." Riliane said, cutting them off. "Before you two turn our lunch into another domestic dispute, I just remembered something; I found a door under a flight of stairs."

"So?" Banica asked after finishing her first sandwich, she was about to grab her second one.

"First off:" Riliane smacked Banica's hand. "Save that sandwich for Allen, and secondly: I want to do things to that basement like make a torture chamber out of it for example."

"Heh, I can go for a torture chamber." Nemesis smirked, already getting ideas revolving around her father.

"Go to hell, demon." Gallerian sneered at her, getting a good idea what his daughter's thinking of.

"Don't be sadistic you guys." Margarita said. "I think it could be a nice place for chemistry."

"But they confiscated your set." Sateriasis said.

"Oh."

"I would go for a small tailor shop, but at this moment I don't, in fact I suggest you people leave the basement alone if you know what's good for you until Allen returns."

"Why?" Riliane asked.

"Nothing...I said too much." Kayo stood up and walked out.

"Tch, she's so weird."

"It's probably just a couple of bugs and rodents in there, we can get them out faster then I can say "Bon Appetit"." Banica said, licking her own lips.

"Meh, I guess your right."

After Lunch

Nemesis and Riliane are standing in front of the basement door. Brooms, flash lights, and Bug spray in hand.

"Ready, Nems?" Riliane asked.

"Ready." Nemesis responded.

"Here we go!" Riliane opened it, but it was locked. "Well that killed the moment."

"I got it." Nemesis began to pick the lock with her hair pin, a click can be heard. "And opens." She said as the door opens, she then used a flash light inside the room and found there was a flight of stairs covered in carpet and a wall that seems to turn the corner to a small flight of stairs, down below was a chain used to turn on the lights. They slowly walked down to the switch and turned it on, the walls was a nice pale yellow with brown lining near the floor. They then turn the corner to find a very dark room, the only thing that can be seen is a screen window that's opened, Nemesis sees a light switch near the opening of the room. "Alright, here's go nothing." Nemesis said as she flicked the switch, much to their surprise and horror, there was lots and lots of cobwebs across the empty room, dead corpses of flies and different kinds of bugs on the ground, and a large colony of Black Widows scattering across the walls, floor, and ceilings, and judging by the size of them it means they're ready to lay eggs. The two girls screamed in horror when they saw the nest before them and ran up the stairs, slamming the door to the basement shut.

"So, what's in there?" Sateriasis asked.

"BLACK WIDOWS! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!" Riliane exclaimed in terror.

"I don't want to alarm you, but there's something moving in your hair, Riliane." Gallerian said pointing at the spider.

"OH MY GOSH IT'S BIG!" Margarita gasped in horror.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!"

"Hold still honey, I wanna try it!" Banica said trying to calm the tyrant down, she grabbed the black widow by it's bottom and tossed it in her mouth, making a crunch sound. "Crunchy, chewy, juicy, and tangy, it would make a pleasant topping for pasta." Banica said, causing the men behind her to groan in disgust.

"Don't worry, Riliane. It's gone now." Margarita said patting Riliane's back as the tailor panted, still shook up and frightened by the experience.

"This ain't good, those little buggers look like they're gonna lay eggs any day now, this whole box would be infested and we'll be bitten." Nemesis said, recovering from the scare.

"But don't they bite when they're under attack?" Margarita asked.

"They do but for once I have to agree with Nemesis." Gallerian said. "We're not taking chances with getting bitten."

"And we only have so much bug spray." Nemesis said.

"Then we'll have to take care of them one by one by ourselves." Venomania said.

Plan A: Peacekeeping

"Margarita, I don't think it's gonna work." Gallerian said.

"Don't worry, Judge, I've come prepared." Margarita was geared in a long-sleeved sweater, a pair of trousers, boots, and gloves, just so she won't be bitten, she was also holding a plastic megaphone. She gone down to the basement and turned on the megaphone, yelling: "ATTENTION SPIDERS! YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR YOUNGLINGS AND LEAVE THIS BASEMENT AT ONCE!" She said with a stern tone with her voice. "I MEAN IT! I'M NOT GONNA SAY THIS AGAIN!" Without even knowing, some of them began climbing on her pigtails up to her neck and face. "Ummm, please?" They start biting her on her face and neck. "OW! OW! OW! THEY'RE BITING ME!" She ran out of the room, "OW! OW! IT HURTS!" Up stairs, Banica began taking the spiders off of her and putting them in a jar while Nemesis began rubbing Antivenin on her wounds to avoid infection.

"I thought asking them to leave was a good idea." Margarita said, wincing in pain.

"They're arachnids woman, animals, they won't listen to reason." Nemesis said.

"Ow, I blame Mikulia's love for fairy tales."

"Watch it, Marchioness, she was fun to be around with in my harem." Sateriasis poked her face.

"Ow."

"Sorry, but please."

Plan B: Stomping

Sateriasis went inside the basement and stood at it's center, he began killing each widow under his boots. One by one they fall victim to the licentious duke's feet. "Seriously Duke, your gonna kill them like that?" Gallerian scoffed at the noble while standing by the entrance.

"Well the people in my time don't exactly have these things called "bug spray", Judge." He scoffed, "Stomping is known to be a last resort." As he kept stomping on the widows, they began climbing into his coat and onto his face and hands. "No! NO! AHHH! OOOW!" They began to bite him as well. "AHHHH! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!" And Gallerian just sat back, holding in his laugh at the site before him, very cruel one might say, just then Gallerian felt something crawling onto the back of his neck and bit him there.

"OW!" He slapped his neck and found a now dead black widow on his hand, karma just reared it's ugly head on the judicial miser as they start climbing on and biting him. "OW! OWW! AHH!"

The two men eventually ran out of the basement, Gallerian hitting the wall by his nose thus causing the spiders to fall off and his nose to bleed while Sateriasis removed his coat and shirt to find my bites on his body. "OH MY GOD! THOSE LITTLE MONSTERS MADE ME HIDEOUS!" He screamed in complete agony from the spiders as Banica started taking more spiders off of him and put them in the jar while Nemesis starts applying antivenin onto him.

"Th-there's on me! g-get it!" Gallerian said as he held his nose.

"No, I rather like you covered in bites and rabies." Nemesis sassed.

"You're a bitch."

"Come on! Now's not the time to act like jerks to one another!" Riliane said, now finally recovering from the shock herself. "I think it's best to leave the basement alone until we can find a decent way to take care of them, Allen would know what to do."

"Well he isn't here now is h-Ow! Ok seriously get these bite checked out, Nemesis!"

"Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine." Nemesis went and fixed up father's wounds.

"Hm, I think I got an idea of what to do with the situation, but it's gonna take gift to do it." Sateriasis said.

"Eh?"

"I'm not sure about that idea, Duke." Banica said as she closed the jar.

"THOSE MONSTERS DID THIS TO ME! THEY'RE GONNA PAY FOR IT!"

"Ok! Ok! Got it."

"Say, stop me if I'm wrong but, how are you not infected by the bites?" Margarita asked as she pointed at the spider bites on Banica's finger tips.

"I'm immune to all poisons, I even ate the shaved dust of Grim the End, makes a excellent spice."

"You're crazy."

Plan C: Basement go boom boom

Nemesis and Margarita were wearing masks as Nemesis began dumping gun powder into a medium sized pot full of bug spray and some of the few ingredients use to make GIFT, no blood included. Margarita was stirring the mixture carefully as it started to turn into a pretty shade of dark aqua green despite it's use. "Is it ready yet?" Banica asked, Margarita held the spoon to Banica since she's immune to other illnesses and deadly smells. "The smell is strong, it might be enough to either kill or drive the widows out of their nests."

"I hope so too, Banica. Oh Judge, is the container ready?"

"Yes." He said wearing a mask and molding a mound of plaster and flammable clay into a round shape, a nozzle to attach it's self to a lid, and made a long string attached to a lid to lit it up with.

"Good." Margarita then went and poured the mixture into the round container, Nemesis also poured a little more gun powder for good measure.

"It's ready, our "Bug-b-gone gift bomb"." Nemesis said as she took the bomb into the basement, she lit up a match with a match to the boot and lit it on the rope on the bomb, she threw it, ran out, and slammed the door shut to avoid the explosion. "HIT THE DECK!" Everyone prepared for what might happen, just then...

BOOOOOOOOOM

The bomb went off, teal green smoke began to come out from the bottom of the door. Tempting to know what happened down there; Banica opened the door and out of the teal smoke was a army of Black Widows running out with their young on their backs, climbing on the sinners and started viciously biting them, in addition to that; the smoke reached the sprinklers in the basement's ceilings and began setting off the rest of the sprinklers, drenching everything and everyone in water. Just then Kayo appeared from the attic, covered in the fabrics from Yingmu. "What's going on down there?" She climbed down from the attic, walked down the stairs, and saw the mayhem taking place. "OH MY GOD!"

"OPEN THE FRONT DOOR, KAYO! HURRY!" Riliane screamed while trying to get the spiders off of her. Kayo ran to the front door, she started getting bitten by her ankles.

"OW! OW! OW!" She chatted in pain as she ran.

Outside the house, two minutes earlier

A white light appeared in the Keyhole shaped sun and floated down to the front porch, the forms appear to be that of Allen and Behemo with Behemo now refreshed and wearing his trademark maid's dress. "Ahhhh, I was afraid that Sickle was gonna blow his top up into space." Allen sighed as he rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefinger.

"Well at least he was able to calm down and settled things with Jun, now the sinners can have access to Yingmu when you ask them to." Behemo said as he straighten his hair.

"Only when they deserved it, as an award for good behavior and not driving me insa-WHOA!" He was startled when he saw water coming from the bottom of the door, wondering what could have caused it. "What is going on in there?" Just when he's about to unlock the door, Kayo busted the door open, soaked in water and covered in black widows. Her current appearance caused Behemo and Allen to scream in utter terror while Kayo screamed because of the pain and the two blonds screaming at her. The black widows ran off through the open door and into the wild of the dark gray forest, never to be seen again. After Kayo fell onto her knees, Behemo and Allen looked over her and saw sprinklers going off, the remaining black widows on the ground dead from either drowning, stomping, or succumbing to the effects of the bug spray-gift bomb hybrid, and the sinners drenched and covered in spider bites. "...I...refused...to ask..." Allen slowly backs away from the devastation.

"...You guys found the basement, did you?" Behemo asked sheepishly.

"I told them not to." Was Kayo's only reply.

"Don't worry, we'll do something about it, love." He patted her head. "In the meantime, we better get your guy's wounds checked up and make sure you don't succumbed to their venom." He motioned his hands to get the sinners to come with him, they did as he said.

"You just have to use the bomb, Nemesis." Gallerian sneered, before sneezing.

"Not now with that bullcrap, Father." She barked at him, Behemo looked at Allen and asked:

"You think they're gonna suffer arachnophobia because of this?"

"I don't know, but how am I gonna explain THIS to Sickle?" Allen said as he pointed at the mess inside.

"Ehhh you're right, you're screwed kid, looks like YOU'LL be going into the Hellish Yard with the sinners."

END CHAPTER

[kaoruyogi]

How to Win Wars and Influence Nobles (Ch. 13)

Rating: E for Explicit/NSFW Content!

Check it out on AO3!

You’d think a video game lawyer could just drop into a pseudo-medieval universe filled with magic and demons and be totally okay with it, right?

Nah.

In the wake of her brother, Spencer’s, disappearance, Belle dropped into Thedas with luggage, but without a clue. After a brief but memorable panic attack, she resolved to be the best goddamn lawyer Thedas had ever seen. Even if she was the only goddamn lawyer Thedas had ever seen. And even if that obstinate asshole, Cullen, wouldn’t stop giving her the side-eye every time she walked into a room…Or every time he walked into a room with her in it…Or every time they walked into a room together…Or–Fuck it. You get it.

I uploaded a little earlier today because I’m getting sworn in to the Bar tonight! Hope you guys enjoy! <3

Chapter 13: Fucking PTSD

Belle had taken to crying at night again. Sometimes it was big, squishy sobbing. Other times it was a couple of tiny tears running down her cheeks. Either way, it was crying. Didn’t matter how fast or fat the tears came.

Her brother was gone, out fighting a war that wasn’t his in a world that wasn’t theirs. He was exposed to a danger from which she could not protect him. A different kind of danger than she knew for him. It was one thing to go fight a fire or, more likely than a fire in Orange County, go into people’s houses and save their lives, but it was something so different to pick up a sword and a shield and try to kill someone before they killed him. These someones, from what she’d heard, were particularly skilled at sword-killing.

Her boyfriend…boyfriend? Boyfriend didn’t sound right. Manfriend? Her dude? Her Cullen was gone fighting the same war. He was adept at all of this, and she knew she shouldn’t be so worried about him, but something in her gut twisted in his absence.

She held a powerful affection for Cullen. She knew it, but she was afraid place it. She had been known to use the word “love” far too liberally where she came from, in the opinions of others. It was something she’d tried to stop doing until she realized that she meant it every time. Falling in love with friends, with family, with boys and men was her means of taking them into her heart, of keeping them close. She could not parse out her affection for people into any subsets more clear than “No,” “Meh,” “Cool,” and “Amazing,” and she let her heart be broken by those who did not think she was “Amazing” in return. Anyone categorized in any of the other groups had no such power over her. They could be sloughed off and shed in favor of someone who felt the same way.

As such, Belle did not like to “date,” as people thought of “dating” back in California. She felt that the beginning of a romantic relationship was best approached as a friendship. Casual romantic entanglement without mutual understanding never served her well, and tended to end in swift hatred or, at the very least, severe and immediate disinterest. It was not her way to dip even a toe into the water before finding its temperature through some other means. That meant no blind dates. That meant no casual sex. That meant no boyfriends before good friends.

Likewise, Cullen did not strike her as a man of half measures. He did not strike her as a man who did anything in his life casually. He did not strike her as the kind of man who referred to a woman as “my darling” without a strong fondness for that woman. The strong fondness, she was reasonably certain, was love.

He loved her. It was written on the backs of his eyes and she watched it play like a zoetrope every time he looked at her. That she had not noticed it weeks ago made her feel like an idiot. It had been there for all to see. And some had seen, as Leliana made quite plain that day in the war room.

They had been friends since the Winter Palace, she knew. They were probably friends before that, too, though she would have been loath to admit it once he yelled at her in his tower. But he apologized. He stood there while she smacked him around and he apologized. He danced with her and laughed with her, and he went out of his way to be near her, and she liked it. She knew she liked it. There was something about him that excited and calmed her all at once. There were many things about him that excited and calmed her all at once, in fact. Sure he was an obstinate ass, but so was she. He’d have made a good lawyer, she mused from time to time.

While he was gone, Belle decided. She decided that she loved him. He was not “No,” like he was when she first arrived in Thedas. He was not “Meh,” like he was when they could have only the occasional conversation without arguing. He was not “Cool,” like he was when he hauled her into Eudora’s office and made her take care of herself. He was “Amazing,” and she loved him.

It didn’t hurt one iota that he was fucking outstanding at sex. He was fucking mind blowing at sex. If her dumb ass hadn’t wanted to have sex with him before they finally did it, her dumb ass sure as shit did once they had. He was hair-pulling, throat-grabbing, fuck-me-until-I-see-stars-and-don’t-know-my-goddamn-name sex. He made her toes curl and her body tremble with every orgasm. Every. Single. One. Tens across the board. Ungodly and primitive sounds came out of her mouth every time she came, and she hissed out “fucks” and “Gods” as his touch or his tongue or both electrified her nerve endings until she couldn’t breathe at any pace slower than the chug of a fucking freight train at full speed. He was really fucking good at sex.

All of this, and he was gone.

Belle turned to Josephine and Leliana for support. She stayed the night in Josie’s quarters a few times while everyone else was away. There was a subtle opulence to her room. Everything was made of rich materials and crafted with the utmost care and beauty, but she kept her décor sparse. She and Belle languished together most days, both feeling useless while the march and the siege took place. None of the nobility wanted to be in Skyhold while the Inquisitor was away because it was pointless to their efforts at brown-nosing. There were very few deals to be made or alliances to be forged while all of Thedas held its breath to learn what became of the Inquisition and the Grey Wardens. So, the two women kept each other’s company, laughing every day in spite of the dearth of work and the unavailability of their loved ones.

Leliana surprised Belle with kindness and sympathy. The spymaster would come to check on Belle and give updates and missives whenever she could. They took meals together and discussed clothes and art and how Thedas could be made a better place. Belle had no idea before their talks that Leliana had such a long history of perilous benevolence, nor that she held such controversial views about the Chantry. Controversial in the all best ways, from Belle’s perspective. Leliana told stories of her time with the Hero of Ferelden, a woman Belle knew as the Queen of Ferelden, Zoe Theirin. She used to be called Zoe Amell, Leliana told Belle, and she was a fierce and powerful woman whose kindness went unmatched by anyone Leliana had met since. Leliana never saw mages as the threat the Chantry seemed to think they were, and Zoe was proof positive in the spymaster’s eyes. Belle felt closer to Leliana through their conversations, a new kind of closeness she was grateful for in the absence of the man she’d only just realized she loved.

Belle got letters from that man she loved while he was away. She’d taken to saving them and reading them in the huge and twinned moonlight while tiny or fat tears poured from her eyes, while she realized she’d only just gotten to love him and she might lose him already.

Belle, the first one read.

I have only been away from you for one night, and I miss you already. I miss the cool warmth of you beside me, and the scent of your hair, and the sound of your laugh. Only the knowledge that I must come home to you (and bring your brother and Max back safely) keeps my mind on the task at hand.

I will come home to you.

Always,

Cullen

She’d laughed at his parenthetical propriety, and sent back a letter with her apologies for not having given him a bottle of her soap and not having taught one of Leliana’s ravens the sound of her laugh. She hoped he chuckled that low chuckle of his when he read it.

Belle,

I still miss you terribly. The desert is hot and awful. You mentioned once that you grew up in a desert. How did a woman as fair as you not cook from the outside in in this sun and heat? I am running out of tunics and smallclothes to wear under my armor. If I needed any other reason to come home to you, it would be to escape this weather and this sand that creeps into everything.

But I have all the reason I need. I will come home to you.

Always,

Cullen

She laughed harder at that one, and sent back a letter reminding him that she was not wearing a full suit of armor while she grew up in the desert, unlike some people, and that the best way to avoid getting sand in all the cracks was not to roll around in it. She snorted as she rolled it up to give to Leliana.

Belle,

I miss you. As I write this, we are close enough to Adamant Fortress that I can hear the shrieks of demons and screams of sacrifices drifting across the sand. We shall begin the siege tomorrow. I pray that the Wardens will see reason and stop their senseless violence and blood magic. It is a danger I am all too familiar with, and I would see it ended before another life is lost.

For now, I can only say that, no matter what happens tomorrow, I will come home to you.

Always,

Cullen

Belle’s stomach sank and twisted when she read that letter. His “always” had been different than the rest of his letter. There were thick spots where his quill had rested too long, and parts that were almost invisible because he’d tried to write them too fast. She wondered if he believed it. For hours, she was afraid to write back. She was not a superstitious woman—unless someone said things were “quiet” when she worked as a 911 operator—but something in her warned her that if she wrote back he might not be alive to receive it.

She decided to write back despite her nerves. You’d better come back in one piece, she wrote, because I have something important to tell you.

She paced and cried for days, waiting for a response. Leliana’s agents’ letters arrived first, telling of the Archdemon and the death of Warden Commander Clarel and the heroism of the Inquisitor. Word had come back that all three of her men were alive, but Cullen still hadn’t written. She couldn’t understand why his was not the first letter to return to Skyhold.

When Leliana finally came to Belle’s tower, parchment in hand, the spymaster bore an unreadable expression. She’d read the letter, Belle knew. She read everyone’s letters. It was a miracle she had time to do anything else with her days with how many letters she read.

The parchment on which Cullen wrote was dirtier than his last few missives. It was harder to unroll, and the pigmentation of the ink varied throughout the text. Belle wondered how many times he’d tried to write it.

Belle,

We were victorious at Adamant, and Max has enlisted the aid of the Grey Wardens. They will

We all saw terrible things there, Belle. Max and Spencer­—the ink got lighter—saw things worse than most. Max, Solas, Blackwall, and Varric fell physically into the Fade with Hawke and Warden Stroud. Max will not tell me what happened there. All he will say is that he got his memories back from the Conclave and that Hawke chose to stay behind so the rest could escape. But Max’s eyes are haunted. No one else will discuss the events of the Fade either, though they all seem­—the ink got darker—changed by their experience.

I do not know if Spencer ever told you that he and another soldier from Max’s personal guard were carrying on together, though I assume that he did. Her name was Kier, and she was killed during the battle. She was crushed by a piece of a wall when the Archdemon destroyed it. She was not five feet from your brother when it happened. He—the ink lightened and looked a bit bluer—has not been­ himself since we left Adamant. He has become reclusive at night, and will not talk to anyone except to say that he is taking watch or going to bed. I only hope that he will talk to you when we return.

I am, for all intents and purposes, in one piece, and I am anxious to resume my duties at Skyhold.

I am coming home to you, Belle.

Always,

Cullen

Belle cried when she read it. She covered her mouth with her hand and collapsed into her chair and cried tears of sorrow and relief. She cried because she was jubilant and mortified and overwhelmed. She cried because everything was terrible and wonderful. She cried because Spencer, Cullen, and Max were alive, but so many others were dead. She cried because the men she loved were coming home to her in pieces.

*****

Max and Spencer were two of the first to come through the portcullis. Belle and Josephine had abandoned their pretenses and were waiting at the bottom of the steps. Josephine embraced Max the second he dismounted his horse, and though he wrapped his arms around her, his face still bore the marks of horror. The kind of horror that replayed in someone’s mind as real as his hand in front of his face.

Spencer’s dark complexion was once more made darker by the presence of dirt and sand caked onto his skin and settled in every young wrinkle. His wide smile was absent, and his bright blue eyes were dim even in the midday sun. He hugged Belle tight. His armor pinched at her skin and crushed her ribs, but she paid the pain no mind.

“P,” she said, “I’m so sorry about what happened. Are you okay?”

Spencer pulled away. Hurt and anger had etched themselves deep into every line on his face, into his dimmer blue eyes, into the pitch of his voice. “No. No I’m not.”

“Come inside with me and we can talk about it.”

He put more distance between them then. “No. I—I can’t right now. I have to clean this dirt out of my armor before it rusts. I—Sorry.”

Belle shook her head. She knew better than to force him. “That’s okay, P. Do what you gotta do. I’m around, though, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” he said as he turned from her to make his way to the barracks.

Belle swallowed hard to keep back the tears forming in her eyes. They stung and burned, blurring her vision as she watched her decimated brother walk away. A thousand thoughts flickered about in her head when she saw the slump of his shoulders and recalled the dry hollowness of his voice. She remembered the cops who had run themselves ragged and tipped the wrong way. She wondered if he would be angry now, if that was who he was going to be for the rest of his life. She rubbed her eyes to wipe away the tears before they could come out on their own.

“It’s too clear.”

Cole’s voice beside her made her jump. “Jesus. What?”

“It’s too clear. He wants to talk but it’s too clear. Needs to be blurrier first. Pixelated. See-Oh-Dee, evisceration or depressed skull fracture. Orbital blow out. Guts on the outside. Brain too. Too clear. Used to it with them, not her. Them. Not her.”

Belle couldn’t stop the tears. They slid down her cheeks as she sniffled and said, “Oh my God.” She had seen injuries like that. She knew he had, too. They’d talked about it in what their father liked to call their “over-descriptive episodes.”

“He will let you help, but first he needs time for it to fade.”

“I get it. Thanks Cole.” She squeezed him in a light hug.

Max was already on his way into the main hall when she turned to greet him. He trudged up the stairs in firm, exhausted steps, keeping his shoulders squared in case anyone was watching. Josephine was not with him, Belle noticed. She waited on the landing, exchanging soft and panicked words with Leliana.

Hundreds more people filtered through the gate before Belle caught sight of Cullen. He was walking beside his blue roan stallion. He held the reins while a young healer with a makeshift patch over his eye sagged in the saddle. Cullen looked grim, but stood taller than most around him. Belle wondered if his posture was ingrained in him, trained into his blood. It belied the war-weariness of his eyes. They had seen too much. She suspected that this had not been the first time he’d seen so much brutality and barbarism for all the wrong reasons. He’d hinted at it, but he still hadn’t told her about why he left the Templars. Whatever the reason, it had been enough to make risking his life a more promising prospect.

He swept her into his arms the moment she was within his reach. His gloved fingers grasped at her arm and pulled her close. Again, she was crushed by plate armor. Again, she didn’t care. There was a desperation in the way his hands held her, his fingers pressing into the planes of her back as if trying to burrow into her body. The warm, damp air of his laden sigh wove through her curls and splashed across her neck. His scent of spiced herbs and soft powder was touched with the mineral odor of sweat and the metallic tang of dried blood. She breathed him in all the same, letting the relief of his embrace wash over her in an awesome wave.

His nose skimmed her neck as he spoke into her hair. “I’m home. I’ve come back to you.”

A sob surprised its way out of Belle’s chest. “Thank God for that.”

Cullen pulled back enough to look at her face. His amber eyes bore woe and wonderment in equal measure. They were scales, tenuously balanced as they wandered from her forehead to her chin and back. He kissed her. He kissed her in front of everyone. He kissed her with abandon and ardor, and he pressed her into him until her back arched.

“I love you,” said Belle as his lips left her own. “That was the important thing I had to tell you. I love you.”

She hadn’t had the chance to open her eyes or see his face when he kissed her again. His breath hissed in through his nose and his hands moved to surround her jaw. Their lips opened and closed over each other again and again, each kiss harder and more urgent. He buried his affections in her mouth. She felt his passion under her tongue and his devotion at the backs of her teeth and his intimacy tucked away behind her lower lip. He kissed her until she knew nothing but the warm taste of his reverence.

“I love you,” said Cullen as he released her. The wonderment had won over his gaze, and he looked down at her as though he were looking down at God.

“Glad to hear it.”

She felt him grinning when he kissed her again, long and slow. He rested his forehead against hers, and she watched him. His eyes were closed, his brow furrowed. He resembled a man praying, and he may have been for all his enduring faith. She didn’t know what had dragged her brother into Thedas, nor her after him, but it wouldn’t surprise her to learn it had, in fact, been the doing of the Maker.

How could anything surprise her anymore? She’d been sucked through a wormhole—she was still convinced that was what rifts really were—into a world where magic and dragons and demons were real. She’d befriended mages and elves and dwarves, she’d written contracts for enchanted items and gold and herbs, and she’d fallen in love with a warrior who was in recovery from his addiction to a magical narcotic. What the fuck was left?

“I need to go check in with Max,” said Belle after a moment, remembering the throng of soldiers still marching into Skyhold around them and the anguish written on her friend’s face over Josephine’s shoulder. “But I’ll be by later tonight.”

A modicum of that woe returned to Cullen’s eyes as he seemed to remember himself. He released her face from his eager hands. “Alright.”

“I love you.”

“You said that.” He did not say it to remind her. He said it to remind himself. His tone was one of disbelief, of astonishment. It occurred to her then that he may have thought no one would ever say those words to him. That she’d said them seemed a miracle to him, and it broke her heart.

They parted in halting and hesitant motions. Belle ran her fingers down his arm as she turned away from him. His little shudder lingered against her fingertips while she made her way to Max’s room.

Sounds of a tumult, crashes and thumps, met her ears when she opened the door. She could hear Max grunting and things falling over or hitting walls. Something clattered onto the stone floor like a gong. Maybe it was the shield over his fireplace. Glass shattered. Small metal objects clinked against the wall. She heard him shout in a way that sounded like he was hurling something out into the valley below his balcony.

When Belle crested the top of the stairs, the wreckage of Max’s room lay all around her. The thing that had clattered to the ground had indeed been that shield. Remnants of bottles, jars, and little trinkets were smashed everywhere. Books lay bruised and open, scattered about the room, though none were in the fireplace. She gave silent thanks for that.

“Max.”

He turned from the open window next to his balcony to face her. Tears eroded tiny canyons into the dirt on his cheeks and reddened his blue eyes. His mouth snarled and sobbed. His hands were bloodied by small cuts on his palms that looked like they stung, even as he clenched his fists at his sides.

“My fucking brother, Belle,” he said, voice hoarse and graveled by his misery.

Belle wouldn’t dare move until he told her in some way or another that she could. She’d seen this volatility before. Fucking PTSD. “What about your brother, Max?”

“The fucking demon—that fucking Nightmare demon—showed me my brother. Nikolai.” He still stood by the window, his bleeding fists still clenched tight. “Nik. Little Nik.” His hands loosened. His shoulders drooped.

“What happened, Max?” Belle inched forward, and when Max’s body did not seize up again, she sat on the couch near the bannister. “What happened at Adamant?”

“Well, the Wardens lost their fucking minds.” He threw his hands up. It was unlike him to curse like that. “They were just…killing everyone. They killed Kier. Oh Maker, is Spencer alright? He and Kier…They killed her.” He shuffled across his room to sit at the edge of his bed. He slouched, holding his head in his hands.

Belle kept her voice low and soft. “I’m sorry about Kier. But Spencer will be fine. He just needs a little time. What else happened, Max?”

“Demons were everywhere and Clarel was a fucking idiot. The Archdemon showed up. He killed Kier, now that I—He did it. Fuck, I just—Clarel blew herself up, and we were falling so I just—I thought—I don’t know what I thought. My hand and this Maker damned mark opened a rift and we were—we were in the Fade just like that.” He snapped his fingers.

“It was fine at first. It was strange and wrong, but I guess it was fine. A spirit was pretending to be Divine Justinia, and she—it—she showed us the way. I got my memories back, fought some giant spiders, listened to everyone be afraid. It was fine.

But Nightmare kept needling at us all. He dug around in our heads and said something to Backwall about being nothing like a Warden, and he showed Varric the shame of his parents, and he said something to Solas in Elvhen that none of us understood, but it meant something to him. Then he showed me Nik.”

“What happened to Nik?”

“Nik died seven years ago in the Circle at Ostwick. He was younger than me, and my parents held out hope that he wouldn’t wind up a mage like his shame of a brother.” Max spat out his words like so much venom. “But he did. He was a mage and they sent him to the same Circle as me. He was smaller, but he was so smart. But it—it didn’t…”

“Didn’t what?”

“It didn’t matter that he was smart. He died in the Harrowing Chamber. Turned into an abomination. Despair took him. Then a sword took him. I wasn’t there, so I never saw my little brother beheaded. But Nightmare showed me everything. He stood me in that room while my brother was overcome. Nik’s veins and his eyes were wrong. They were the wrong color and they glowed, and his cheeks ripped open and his jaw snapped when Despair screamed at the Templars. Then his head rolled across the ground and landed at my feet. His face was torn and twisted in horror and rage, and he wasn’t my brother anymore. No one was my brother anymore.”

More tears flowed from Max’s eyes. They dropped onto his bloody palms and spattered across the floor. Belle moved to sit beside him. She said nothing as she did. Her words would have been pointless. It was Max’s words that mattered. It was his words that started the process of freeing him from the horrors that replayed in his mind as real as his hands in front of his face.

He leaned his head on her shoulder when she sat. She let her cheek rest on his hair, and her hand rubbed up and down his back. “I’m sorry, Max.”

They sat like that until the sun had moved in the sky. Its light bounced off the snow on the mountains, reminding the world that it was now the afternoon. Belle wanted to stay for him, but she knew he needed to share this with someone else.

“I’m going to send Josie in here with something for your hands, okay?” she asked. Max nodded against her shoulder. “You should tell her.” He nodded again.

She hugged him before she left, and he murmured his gratitude. She told him he was welcome to talk to her anytime. He nodded once more.

Josephine could not have rushed to his side faster. She snatched up the salve Belle had collected from the healers and half ran from her office into the main hall. Her baubles jingled around her neck and her slippers shuffled in her haste. Belle knew Max was lucky to have someone like Josephine. Her love was unconditional and kind. There was a selflessness to it that let her shirk her worries over nobility and propriety and go to him uninhibited.

It was Josie’s already bloomed love that let Belle tend to her own as it blossomed. Belle was able to go to Cullen sooner than she’d planned. It was still early in the evening when she walked into his tower with a calm smile on her face. She opened the door expecting to see him, but was surprised when he was nowhere in his office. Her brow furrowed, and she called his name. He did not answer.

Maybe he was waiting for her in her tower. He knew how much she hated his godforsaken ladder, after all. She passed through his office toward her own, pumping herself up once more for their reunion. To her dismay, he was not there, either. She called his name and walked up the stairs, but her tower was devoid of his presence. Her brow furrowed harder.

Maybe he’d gone for something from Eudora or in the Herald’s rest, she postulated. She made for his tower again. It was the fastest way to get to either of those places without running into anyone along the way. She opened the door and went in again, and was about to exit when she heard something above her. It might have been a creaking floorboard or something falling against the wood. Whatever it was, it drew her eyes aloft.

Belle moved to the base of Cullen’s ladder and looked up. She called his name again. No answer. She would have to go up. She hated that godforsaken ladder. She hated it with every fiber of her being. She’d always refused to be top bunk or get an apartment with a bed loft because fuck ladders. Ladders, no matter how old or sturdy, were rickety and dangerous. They took her to high places, and she did not like to be in high places. How cruel he was to make her climb that godforsaken ladder, and right after she told him she loved him. Asshole.

One shaky, plaintive rung at a time, she ascended the ladder, whining and whimpering the whole way. Hers was a slow and deliberate climb. One missed rung would mean death or paralysis, in her mind, even the first one.

A tentative alleviation of her somewhat irrational fears came when her head popped through the gap at the top of the ladder. She looked around Cullen’s quarters while she hauled herself onto the floor, and saw him in front of his armor stand. He’d divested himself of his armor, and it looked like he’d taken a washcloth to his head and bare torso. There was a tension in the naked muscles of his back where he stood, unmoving even as she chastised him.

“What the fuck, dude? I called your name, and you didn’t answer. You know I hate this godforsaken ladder.”

He did not answer. He did not move to look at her. He barely breathed. An agitated sort of worry crept into Belle’s mind at his stillness. She took note of his hands, balled into fists, and of his arms, bent and taut enough to kill someone if he struck them. She approached him slowly, taking care not to touch him.

“Cullen? Are you okay?”

He did not answer. His breathing alternated from shallow to labored as he stood there. His eyes were glazed over, staring at his armor. His mouth was open, frozen somewhere between a cry and a snarl. Sweat beaded across his brow and at the back of his neck. A curl here and a curl there sprang free of his careful coiffure, leaving a crazed air about him. Something was very wrong.

“Cullen?” Belle reached out and grazed his shoulder with her fingers.

Lightning fast, Cullen hissed in a gasp and pivoted. He snatched her wrist and squeezed, malice fiery in his glazed-over eyes. It was not him in those eyes. It hurt. She felt her bones fighting his grip. Pain shot out through her fingertips and down to her elbow.

She cried out, her body shaking. As evenly as she could manage with his hand crushing her wrist, she said, “Cullen. Cullen, you’re hurting me.”

Her voice seemed to snuff out the fire in his eyes. He withdrew his hand from her wrist and stumbled back into his armor stand. Several pieces rattled to the floor around his bare feet. He panted and stared at her, wild and wounded. He looked like injured, cornered prey.

“I—I—I am—I—”

“Cullen, what just happened?” asked Belle as she rubbed her wrist.

“I—I was—I am—I—I’m so sorry, Belle. I am so sorry.”

Cullen reached for her, moving too fast in light of what had just transpired. She flinched. It was not much of a flinch, but the tremor that rolled from her head to her toes was obvious enough. His expression shifted again. He bore the face of a man who had just killed a defenseless creature, who had accidentally kicked his dog or knocked a nest of baby birds from a tree. His features were painted over with a kind of grief and pain. He would not look at her.

“I am so sorry,” he said, voice rife with that grief and pain. His every breath was shaky. “I understand if you do not want to see me.”

Belle pulled a face. It was a stupid face, and it made her look as incredulous and dumb as if she’d realized her Milky Way Midnight just got stuck in the vending machine. And she wanted to shake Cullen like she would’ve shaken that fucking vending machine. “How could you think that?”

He glanced up at her. “I—I thought—Aren’t you afraid of me?”

Her face got even dumber, and she scoffed. “Fuck you, ‘afraid of you!’ I’m worried about you. What just happened?”

“What happened at Adamant…” He paused, his eyes darting about, searching for the right words inside of his mind. She thought of the different pigments on his last letter. “It reminded me of something that happened before. Something I saw and felt before.”

He was resisting talking about specifics. That was okay, for the moment. He didn’t need to tell her everything just then. He needed to calm down. His mind needed time to settle. Given his knee-jerk reaction was to believe Belle wanted to leave him, she decided it was best to stay.

With the toe of each of her boots, she freed her heels. She tugged the boots off and tossed them aside somewhere. Cullen’s eyes, drenched in consternation and hurt, followed their flight. She sat on the bed and scooted herself all the way across to her side. She propped her back up against the headboard, shuffling a pillow under her lumbar because she’d be good goddamned if she was going to get achy while she comforted the man she loved.

Belle stretched her arms out toward him. “Come here, Cullen.”

He faltered for a moment, but started over when she smiled and twinkled her fingers, beckoning him again. He sat down on the bed, and she patted her hands on her thighs. His amber eyes, still full of that grief and pain, looked to her in question. She answered by patting her thighs again, more insistent.

Cullen laid his head in her lap like thought he would shatter her. His body was so stiff she might have laughed under different circumstances. But these were not different circumstances. She loved him, and he was in pain. She laced her fingers into his hair and began rubbing his scalp. He sighed after a moment. His body began to relax. She felt his eyelashes brush across her thigh as he closed his eyes, and she began to hum. She hummed the first song that came to her mind, and “Swan Song” sounded right once she started. She remembered the words in her mind—love you like a starfish loves the salty water—closing her own eyes as she carded her fingers through his softening locks.

He curled his body into her after a time. His arms wrapped around her legs, and he held fast. Her voice wavered at the conviction with which he held her. She was his anchor in those moments, holding him in reality, preventing him from drifting toward the demons hidden away in the shadowed grottoes of his mind. She did not let him hear the tear that slipped down her cheek.

Belle ran her fingers through Cullen’s hair over and over for thirty seconds and a hundred years. She let her glittering light pink fingernails skim across his scalp, and listened to his breathing while she hummed. She watched the rise and fall of his chest ease and slow as she tethered him to the world. She waited until long after he’d fallen asleep to stop humming, and she spoke softly into his hair before pressing a kiss to his golden curls.

“I love you. You’re safe.”

*****

Notes: A couple of things: (1) I made an Amell the queen because I thought it was unfair that only a Cousland could marry Alistair, (2) I'm sorry for heavy, but I hope the love lightened it up a little, (3) fuck ladders.

I also wanted to note that "Swan Song," as I referenced in the chapter is the song by A Fine Frenzy, which you can listen to here.

[real-faker]

Hey erica. I wonder what you thought of "Sausage Party" like the reception seems pretty mixed across the board. I just saw it recently and well.. I remember not really laughing at any of the jokes, but I remember being strangely invested with the story, impressed with the "Foodgore" and how the human characters were designed. I kinda have a.. well I wouldn't say Love/hate with Seth McFarlene's stuff, more of a meh-hate. So I just wondered what you think of his stuff in general?

You know, I haven’t watched Sausage Party yet, but I actually have been meaning to eventually.  I’ve heard it was well-received and widely considered good, but I didn’t want to go see it when it was in theatres ‘cause there were some behind-the-scenes issues with the animators getting dicked over.  I’m 100% all for films that break the animation age ghetto, and I think it’s important to support films that diverge from the norm in order to send a message that we want more variety, even if the films taking those initial steps aren’t ideal.  Without having seen the film itself, what I can say is that I’m slightly bothered that it took Seth Rogen to get us the first R-rated animated comedy with a wide theatrical release since... what, the fuckin’ South Park movie in 1999?... but if that’s what it took, then that’s what it took.  And I don’t dislike Seth Rogen either, I’m just saying that somewhere deep down it irks me that no one would afford an actual animation producer the same chance.  You know what?  Fuck me, Hell and Back came out in 2015 and was produced by fucking ShadowMachine, so I’m a big fat liar.  I also realize that I’m splitting hairs by specifying “R-rated animated comedy with a wide theatrical release”, because there’s been plenty more non-comedies, indie films with small releases, and even PG-13 films I’d consider “adult”, but I’m being specific because I don’t quite feel like Sausage Party and, say, Anomolisa are the same breed of film.  I’m being specific because of the aforementioned animation age ghetto.NOW, Seth Macfarlane, my dude, is a different guy entirely.  I’m not sure if this was a typo and you meant Rogen, or if you thought Macfarlane had actually produced Sausage Party.  IN EITHER CASE, my feelings about Seth Macfarlane are a whole ‘nother post, but generally speaking, I too have a love-hate relationship with his work.ANYWAY, I can’t actually tell you what I thought of Sausage Party but I’ll be sure to post about it if I ever watch it.  Haha.

[lonnyrocketreviews-blog]

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 10 Power Rankings - Ep. 1, 10s Across the Board

One episode in, and I’ve already (mostly) forgotten all about that shit show All Stars 3...but one episode in leaves plenty of time for some buffoonery, tomfoolery, and RIGGORY, so let’s just hold our breath and see what happens shall we? Let’s review some garbage tv.

14. Vanessa Vanjie Mateo I gotta say, I was rooting pretty hard for this girl pre-season. Her Meet the Queens interviews were funny, her energy is high, her personality is goddamn infectious. Just the way she talks makes me happy, and it’s unique among the S10 girls. She picked some good shit to work with this episode, but unfortunately blobbed it the fuck up. I’m sad. AND SURPRISED at how low energy her lipsync was. Considering her high energy offstage, i was expecting that floral blob to explode or something, but alas, Miss Vanjie departs first, THOUGH I would not be surprised if she comes back. RIP (for now).

13. Kalorie Karbdashian Williams I’m gonna go ahead and say that I actually really like MOST of the girls this season, which is rare. Kalorie’s name might be a mouthful (which is kinda why I thought she was gonna be leaving first, at first) and her outfit was BOring, but despite that, she’s cute as fuck and seems sweet and lovable, too.  I thought Vanjie was gonna blow her ass away, but she turned her big booty around and crushed that lipsync. You live to twerk another day, Kalorie.

12. Kameron Michaels Would Kameron Michaels have been cast if he wasn’t ‘hot’ out of drag? I had the same issues with Pearl during S7, but I came around for her.  Will I come around for Kameron, too? Show us some personality, some talent, and we’ll see.

11. Dusty Ray Bottoms I love a punk drag queen. We NEED a lot more edgy, artistic weirdos on Drag Race, but DRB doesn’t really do it for me yet. She reminds me of Acid Betty, but heavily watered down. Her entrance look was kinda lame. Her runway outfit was alright by my taste, but I’m not really living for the sickly dot face, and after getting essentially no time in Untucked I gotta feeling that Dusty Ray will be in the bottom before long.

10. Asia O’Hara Truly stunning. I would kill someone for those teeth, but aside from that, she kinda fell (or was edited) into the background today. Her runway outfit was a lot. Now I like a Lashawn/Ornacia moment but the rest was Jiggly Caliente.  Her temperament was eclipsed by the likes of Monique and the Vixen, which doesn’t bode well for more time on the show. I also haven’t fully recovered from her Meet the Queens nightmare wig. Sorry, girl. That shit was roadkill.

9. The Vixen I don’t know how to feel yet. I hated her entrance look. I didn’t really like her runway look, either. I know what kinda work went into that intricate pool noodlery, but it came out looking a bit small...underwhelming I guess. I might’ve put her lower but she seems to be out for blood in Untucked, and if this bitch is gonna spearhead the “Let’s not be like the Season 9 Best Friend Race” then I say keep her around. The Vixen = The Villain? We’ll seeeeeeee...

Sidebar: people wanna talk about Kameron as the trade of the season...did you SEE the Vixen outta drag? Gimme some of that pls. 8. Aquaria The Ariana Grande of drag. She’s cute as a button but enunciates like her mouth is sewn half shut. Apparently she’s got a big following. Hell, I’d heard of her before S10 and she’s only like 22. This might pull her forward...past her expiration date. Look, I love an aspiring drag artist. I’ve seen some of her work and shows on Youtube and stuff and the girl is talented, but on THIS one episode and her MTQ, it was a little meh for me. Despite this annoying “Aquaria vs. Cracker” narrative, I think the latter outclasses her completely, but she’s got like 10 fuckin years on her. Aquaria is cool, like Pearl, but I dunno if it’s her time. Maybe needs some finessing. The personality and humor aren’t showing for me yet. Good luck in the comedy challenges darlin. Your outfits were neat. 7. Monique Heart We’re getting into the territory where I wanna put everyone in the highest ranks, but numbers are things and math is stuff, so be it. Monique Heart has a lot of good shit. Shes spunky, shes energetic, fun, etc. Queens like her and Vanjie make the show exciting.  I do think she stood out and I’m moderately surprised that she wasn’t in the top.  Her outfit was cool as fuck and her makeup was EXCELLENT. I think she did a knockout job, but because of a lack of narrative they gave her, I’m not sure if she’ll last longer than the others.  I can’t even remember where she’s from.

6. Yuhua Hamasaki Like Vanessa, I’m captivated by this drag queen.  She’s got the personality, she’s got the looks, shes crafty, she’s fun, and she did pretty well this episode. Also can I just say that out of drag...that’s an entire female woman right there. Ok. I like her, but like Monique, I didn’t get a lot of narrative from her this episode other than she’s a Chinese girl cosplaying as Japanese. Huh.

5. Blair St. Clair I have mixed feelings about putting Blair this high, because she really didn’t talk a ton, but I’m landing her here because, like the judges said, I feel like there’s something about her that’s special and exciting.  She’s an underdog - from Indianapolis, young but old school style (contrasts Aquaria big time). This makes for a good storyline. Yeah, maybe she reminds us of Jinkx Monsoon so it’s not exactly a brand-new storyline, but she seems sweet and her runway look was cool as fuck. I’m the most excited to see what Blair St. Clair pulls out next.  Also, out of drag, woman, girl, ladylookaliker. Cute af.

4. Monet X Change A New York powerhouse performer. Queens like this are why NYC has such a huge representation every year. Her runway outfit was kinda bad, but she has the personality, charisma, wit, and sense of humor needed to win this stupid show. A lotta people have their eyes on Monet as their pick to win, but I can’t personally say much more until I see more.

3. Eureka Eureka may not have been in the top this episode, but she sure seemed like she got the most screen time, so much so that I said to myself “Eureka is the main character of this season.”  THE MAIN CHARACTER. People have been calling for a fat queen to win since forever (please, finally), and Eureka might just be the one to do it.  Plus she has this triumphant recovery return narrative going for her already. Judging from storyline alone, Eureka is poised to land in the top 3, if not win the whole shebang.

2. Mayhem Miller I’m saying it with everyone else. FINALLY Mayhem got onto this damn show, and what a start. Popular, great attitude and a win under her belt right out the gate, Mayhem is set up to go far, but being in the lead puts a lotta pressure to keep up the pace, and she’s got some serious competition. ...Now if we could just get Vicky Vox and Rhea Litre...

1. Miz Cracker Drag race winners have ONE thing in common: they’re smart (well, mostly). Sharp wit, great eye for design (I thought she was gonna win over Mayhem’s handsy dress), and a top spot in episode 1, Cracker’s going far for sure. She already seems to be an early fan favorite. The only thing I don’t like about her is the fact that she changed her name from Breanna Cracker. That shit’s hilarious. Again, I’m not interested in the Aquaria vs. Cracker nonsense. Yeah they REALLY look alike, but the future fighting will no doubt feel forced, and I think Breanna might be above it. They might pit them against each other in a lipsync or something, which might not bode well for Cracker, but she seems to be able to dance, or at least cartwheel. That’s more than Bianca can say. All in all I think Miz Cracker gave the strongest showing this episode by a fair margin, and is my current pick to win.

Anydangway, thanks for reading this, if you did.  All of the above words are my opinion alone, but are also facts and I am infallible and never wrong.  I love and hate this show, but was so entranced and excited enough today to start a goddamn review blog about it. Ugh..... I need a shower.

Shoutout to a tumblr blog from a while back called lordthundercox (or something like that) who reviewed RPDR season 7 in this format and it gave me life and inspired me to do one myself.

See y’all next week