#i’m internalizing my therapist trying to beat into my thick goddamn skull that this is an Abusive Environment and an Abusive Household
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#IM SO FUCKING MISERABLEEEEEEEE#anyway. decided officially today bc my mind is fucked up like that#but w/e#anyway yeah. today my father (?) has chosen to forsake any kind of relationship whatsoever!#he had the audacity to come to me afterwards and be like ‘i care. i care!!’#and i asked him to show it. prove it! and he had no answer! just like he hasn’t for the past thirty years!#sorry bitch! you don’t get a participation trophy when it comes to parenting! you either do it or you don’t!#anyway. speaking to him as though i don’t really care (working on it) is. disgustingly fulfilling#it’s bc it’s just what i call ‘bitch me’ speaking my mind instead of suppressing it like i do all other facets of my personality#while living here. it’s great! it’s awesome!#i’m internalizing my therapist trying to beat into my thick goddamn skull that this is an Abusive Environment and an Abusive Household#and he used those words specifically and he used the upper case i could hear it#and that cognitive dissonance has been fun!#anyway. at my fucking limit!#so grateful i’m going to be with people that actually care for and love me#and that i care for and love endlessly back as soon as less than 24 hrs#vaguely concerned having to go back will break me?#*!#but that sounds like a problem for sober and tomorrow me#in the meantime. i play dead by daylight. bc im v good at avoiding being killed/being allowed the hatch#and it’s oddly affirming#or maybe an extremely fucked up version of ‘everyone for themselves’ OR ‘no one gets lefts behind’#very fun mind games to play with myself. for no reason.#did i mention im drunk#i’m drunk lol#delete later? yeah prob
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