#i’m in so much pain and i just keep reliving the crash and im so alone and i don’t know what to do anymore

[desaturate-worlds]

last weekend i got t-boned in an intersection, totaled my car which had liability only insurance so no payout, had to get stitches and glue for lacerations on my left arm and side, AND caught a terrible terrible cold literally the next day. i had the car for a week, and had also moved into a new apartment the same week. an apartment further from my job. because i was living in walking distance of my job, and now could move somewhere further away and more affordable. because i had a car. not anymore.

now i’m sitting alone in this new apartment, surrounded by unpacked bins and boxes. i don’t know a single person in this city that isn’t a coworker and am not close with any coworkers. i have no way to get to work or go anywhere other than my apartment. i even have to get groceries delivered. and it just sucks because two weeks ago i lived in a much more walkable area with plenty close by, and the rent was just so unimaginably high in that area but idk maybe i could’ve figured it out and made it work even with rent raising. but now im just stuck, just me and my cat sequestered to one little apartment with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

i can’t get any sleep at night because all i can do is stare at the wall and think about the crash. when i finally fall asleep im awake in an hour sweating and hyperventilating

and i can’t even effectively unpack because my arm hurts too much and this cold has shot my stamina

[weeb-writor]

Bakugou’s S/O dies in a crash, leaving him a single father

Hello, gonna be very honest I forgot how to read properly and read a request wrong and wrote a 3000 word fic for it, woohoo! But i mean at least you guys get a fic from it, lol. Italics are flashbacks, bold is reality trying to pull him out of his head, and the regular text is reality. The actual request should be up tomorrow. Reader is neutral and I didn't specify the birthing process! Hope you all enjoy.

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Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

Bakugou’s S/O dies in a crash leaving him a single dad, he has flashes backs of your life together.

TW: Death, depiction of a car crash and blood. Kinde heavy angst

Words: 3052

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“I am so sorry sir but there's nothing we could do for them, w-” The doctor went on but the words slurred together in Bakugou's mind. This isn't how it was supposed to go, you were both supposed to grow old together. Supposed to send Kaori to her first day of school together. To bully the shit out of her first significant other. Go all out on each and every one of her birthdays. To give her at least 3 more brats to hang out with...to cry as you sent her off to college. This isn't how it was supposed to go, he was supposed to protect you, to be your hero. Everything you both had promised to each other was slipping through his grasped fist and the flashbacks were not helping either.

“Watch where you are going, Pomeranian.” You said to him.

“Pomeranian? The fuck, watch your mouth shitty extra!” He roared back at you.

“I think you’re the one who needs soap in his mouth, you're cursing every other word.” You cocked a brow at him.

“Whatever you god damn extra, get outta my way i'm gonna be late.” He backed off shocking his small group of friends.

“What the heck bakubro! If I said that to you I would be dead! You’re caught by the balls already!” Denki said pouting

“Whaddyah just say dunce face? I am not and it doesn't matter. I went easy cause they're so insignificant I wont see them again.” He said with a shrug as they walked into the training yard where their class was meeting.

“Alright, today we have a few helpers from other classes to help you with physical combat skills without the use of your quirks. Pair up with them, if you can actually beat them the first go than you pass. If you don’t, then well you fail, and will do supplementary training with me after every class.” Aizawa said, zipping himself into his sleeping bag.

“Hello class 1-A, Im Y/N. I am in charge of everybody you're about to fight, we've all trained in various types of Martial arts, and uhh you're probably all gonna lose but try your hardest alright?! I've got match-ups based on your physical abilities, so let's begin.” You said getting everyone into their pairs.

“So much for never seeing them again, huh?” Sero said laughing at the fuming bakugou.

“Yeah you’ll be seeing a lot more of me Pomeranian boy, but for now let me wipe the floor with you.” You said getting into a fighting position. He remembers how he lost that fight, terribly he might add. You only offered to help him after the loss, ignoring all his cries of protest. He didn't only lose the fist fight, he lost his heart to you. He had hoped you would never give it back to him, but here you are giving him his heart back. He hated these images, he wants them to stop.

“Bakugou”

“Go on a date with me.” You said as you and bakugou walked back to the dorms together after a sparring session.

“What!?” He yelled at you a deep shade of red.

“You know, on a date, and then you know if all goes well like 2 more before you kiss me and ask me to be officially yours because i'm not easy, you know?”

“Who asks like that!” He continued to yell.

“What did you want some flowers too, bakugou.” You giggled at him.

“You damn, dumbass! Fine but we're going now!” He said grabbing your hand and pulling you away.

“Wait but we are sweaty and I wanted to look nice! You're such a tyrant, Bakugou!” You sang as he pulled you away but slammed into his back as he came to a halting stop.

“Katsuki...call me Katsuki.” He said looking to the side with a blush. This moment was precious to him, your stupid giggle always brought brought blood rushing to his cheeks and made his heart race. As precious as it was, he begged his mind to stop, he didn't want to see what he couldn't have anymore… he wants to forget.

“Bakugou!”

“You know, if i knew you were so messy I wouldn't have moved in with you.” Bakugou yelled to you as he put up one of your many blankets that were always littered around the house.

“Sorry not Sorry, Kat, it's your fault for keeping this damn house like an ice box all the time.” You said as you shoved some more takeout into your mouth.

“And why did you order takeout, i wanted to cook instead of eating that shitty and so unhealthy food.” He nagged you some more but you only giggled. He smiled, that had become his favorite sound.

“Because Mr. Pro- Hero some of us are college students barely staying afloat! It's my last semester so let me live, you ass! Also you are so much like your mother babe, it's kind of funny.” You said to him. His head was bulging in irritation as he sat next to you.

“I can't believe I want to marry you…” He said shaking his head with a sigh. You put down your takeout and stared at him with wide, teary eyes.

“You want to marry… me?” You said to him, he chucked at you before placing a black velvet box in your hand.

“Yeah, so say yes and put the ring on.” He blushed looking away from you.

“You jerk, this is how you ask me? And like an idiot of course I'm putting on the ring with no hesitation.” You giggled around your tears, admiring the ring you had just placed on your finger.

“Yeah, as I recall, you asked me out the same way. Whaddyah want some flowers?” He teased you with a grin. You looked at him with burning passion before your lips met, engaging in a fiery dance of passion. Stop, stop. Please just stop, he begged his brain. At the moment he thought it was perfect, it was so you and so him. Now, he wished he did it on tv or yelled it from the rooftops. Maybe then it would have shown the universe, or god, or whatever was taking him from you just how much he needed and loved you. Just maybe it would have permitted this outcome.

“Bakugou!!”

You and bakugou stared down at the little 6 pound baby. She was sleeping peacefully for the first time since the girl came home, which was 4 day ago! Maybe it was because you had just taken her to meet her grandparents and she didn't want to deal with her grandparents much like her father.

“Give me that baby!” his mom said swopping the baby into her hands. You only giggled at her excitement but Bakugou threw a fit.

“Mom! She's a fuc-freaking newborn! You’ve got to be gentle and support her head! You’re gonna hurt her, it's dangerous” He shouted at his mom.

“Oh hush you ingrate. If that was true believe me kid you’d be dead by now, would've saved me a lot of trouble. Now come on little Kaori, I know you've got it.” She said looking down at Kaori.

“What's she got?” You asked curiously. The blonde did not respond, only blew a little stream of air on the baby's nose and then turned her towards you and the blonde next to you who was still pouting. The baby stirred before waking up giving you all the meanest mug you had ever seen come from a baby.  She stared at bakugou and then at you before going back to sleep.

“She’s got the bakugou bitch face or the bakugou glare or even the bakugou mean mug. However you want to call it but that doesn't matter cause she’s got it.” His mom said placing the sleeping baby in the basinet you guys had brought.

“Did that brat just glare at me!?” Bakugou whispers, causing you to burst into full belly laughter.

“What the hell are you laughing at?” he said to you trying to hide his small smile that was brought out by your laughing.

“Nothing, I just love you and I believe you just said H-E double hockey sticks so we're getting takeout on the way home, love.” You said kissing his cheek. He only stuck his tongue out at you before mumbling a quick ‘i love you back’. It's getting more painful now he's drawing closer to the day he knew his mind was counting down to. As much as he wanted to relish in the memory all he could think of was how Kaori wouldn't remember you or your melodious laughing. How he should have said I love you more clearly in that moment. He wanted it to stop, he wanted the flashes to stop, the memories to stop but they wouldn't and he knew because they were telling your story.

“BAKUGOU!!”

“Come here, dumbass I wanna cuddle!” Bakugou yelled from your bed.

“Hold on I just wanna call your mom and make sure Kaori is okay. It's the first time Kaori has been away so long. She’s only eleven months, she's probably scared without us.” You said with the phone in your hand pacing.

“Babe, if you are so worried you should know I called my mom while you were bathing. Kaori is chasings around my mom's fat cat. And my moms gonna call when they are putting her to bed so we can say goodnight. Now, get over here and quit worrying I want to cuddle you.” He said finally getting you relax enough to lay down, you rested your head on his chest.

“You're such a good dad, you were worried enough to phone your mom.” You said breathing in his caramel scent.

“Of course I did, I worry about you and Kaori whenever yall are out of my sight. I love you both too much yet not enough at the same time.” He said to you kissing the top of your head.

“Katsuki I want us to always be this way, I want to always be with you and kaori smiling. I love you both too much too.” You said back to him straddling him to meet his eyes.

“I want some more brats and a cat and a dog. I want everything with you. And I want it for forever” He said looking up at you with passion. He needs it to stop, he can't relive the same nightmare. He didn't want the image of you dying in his hands to replay, but that's where his mind was heading, wasn't it?

“Bakugou!? Can you hear me!?”

“You know when people said you become boring when you have a baby I didn't believe them but were totally boring. We just did 10 over the speed limit to pick up Kaori.” You said taking a glance in the mirror to see her cute little grumpy face.

“Baby I realized we were boring when we went to that baby store on our day off to look at baby stuff and we went “ ohh” and “awhh” to every third object we saw.” He said back to you with a chuckle. You giggled at him and your eyes fluttered shut for just a second, it was a second too long because when you opened them you slammed into a car ahead of you that had just been in an accident causing a pile up. Behind you a semi rammed into your suv doing terrible damage to the car and everyone inside. Bakugou was the first to wake and quickly fought to get himself free. Once he did he was all over you but you were in far worse shape and the metal of the car dug into you, slicing you open, and locking you into place.

“Noo.. Kat get Kaori first.” you whispered to him.

“Y/N, i'll get you out first, you're right here. Then we’ll get kaori together.” He said tears spilling from his eyes.

“Katsuki, please get Kaori first. Please, i'll try to get loose myself” You plead with him, he thought about it but you were more stuck than her and you were bleeding heavily from the metal cutting into your abdomen.

“Katsuki Bakugou! Her first, then me! I’ll wait for you, promise.” That was all he needed to hear, his heart ached for his little girl who was crying softly more shocked than hurt.

“It's alright baby we're gonna get you safety and then dadas gonna come get mommy and we’ll all go home cuddle.” He said as he pulled the baby from her car seat, recognizing ‘home’ and ‘cuddle’ she clapped at him. He planted gross, wet kisses all over her face before dashing to the place where he saw all the flashing lights congregating. It was a pretty big pile up so there were a lot of ambulances. He took the first one open.

“This is Bakugou Kaori, she’s eleven months and has no allergies to anything or any medication. I'll be coming back with Bakugou y/n who has a pretty deep gash in their abdomen and isn't allergic to any medication either.” He said as the EMT took his baby from him. He almost didn't want to leave her but he knew you were waiting on him, so he dashed back to your totaled car where he saw people crowding your figure as they had just pulled you out.

“Y/N!” He said dropping to the ground taking you from the girl who was holding you.

“Come on, you're bleeding a lot we’ve got to get you to the ambulance.” He said tears cascading from his eyes as he tried to lift you while simultaneously slowing your bleeding but as he lifted you not only did you scream, blood rushed out of your gash at a very alarming rate.

“We can't lift them, they're losing too much blood, the ambulance got to come down here….They’ll die if we take them down there.” Someone said as Katsuki placed you back on the ground. He wanted to yell at them and tell them they were wrong but he knew they weren't. As well as he knew the ambulance wouldn't fit down here, it was hard for him to fit through the cracks of the cars. He had to try though for you, for Kaori, and for himself.

“You're all hurt, go get to an ambulance and get some help, idiots.... And please, I'm begging you, make one of them come down here.” The group of people nodded as they raced for the ambulances.

“Told you I’d wait on you, Kat.”

“Yeah, you did such a good job, baby! You are so strong, love. They went to get help, everything's gonna be alright.” He whispered to you clutching your body closer to him.

“Who are you trying to convince me or you.” You laughed coughing up blood.

“Stop laughing, dumbass this isn't funny.” He gritted his teeth at you.

“Alright then stuffy, onto the serious business. I want Kaori to grow up knowing what love is, so tell her all our cheesy stories. I want her to grow up knowing she is so loved by you so tell her everyday from me and you that you love her more than anything. I want her to know she can come to you for anything so don't be such a hardass to her when she starts to rebel a little…. I don't want her to forget my face or my voice too much, so as much as it might hurt at first show her all the pictures and videos we took over the years. And when she's old enough to understand what happened tonight tell her she doesn't need to go to my grave if she ever wants to talk to me, I'm always watching over you both, promise.” You paused to throw up some more blood. “And now for you my love, I won't say anything to cliché. Like ‘i want you to find love’ cause we both know I am the jealous type but if it happens don't worry I'm not turning over in my grave. I want you to keep following that dream of yours if anyone can be the Top hero and a single dad it’s you, Kat. I want you to indulge yourself and eat takeout sometimes that stuffy diet of yours isn't fun. Be sad for as long as you need but just don't hold it all inside and try to continue on like everything is fine. It's okay to cry, to need a break or some help or both really. Lastly, Bakugou Katsuki, I love you and I am so sorry we didn't get that always and forever we wanted.” You said using the last of your strength to caress his cheek. He sobbed as he grasped your hand and held it tighter to his cheek.

“I love y-” he tried to say but stopped as he realized you were already gone. You didn't get to hear it back from him… the scream that ripped from him was pure anguish in its finest form. He should've been quicker to say it. He should have said it more often. He just should have. And now he was begging his head to stop playing these flashbacks to stop driving the knife further into his heart, he had a daughter he was trying to live for. He just wanted it to stop.

“DADA DADA”

Just like that he was drawn from his head. He looked around to see his friends and family staring at him in concern and his daughter at his feet with fat tears rolling down her face. He quickly picked her up, cursing at himself as he probably just scared her.

“What are you crying for you, little brat?” He started but paused as fat tears of his own rolled down his sunken cheeks “Everything's gonna be alright soon, so we shouldn't cry for too long okay, Brat.” He said as he hugged Kaori tighter than he should have. Somewhere in his mind he did believe it. That he and his daughter would be okay but for right now he was trying to stay afloat in the waves of suffocating flashbacks.

[screechingtrashcalzonewombat]

"Apopalictic Astral Asending" Reavaluate disassociate my self worth...

The galaxies have birthed an uncontrollable being ....

I've feel as tho Ive seen myself split in two ..

Witch side do u wanna see if ur lucky I'll let you choose .

Cause in the end I loose..

One of hate one of love could both be from up above..

Or down below ...

I've began to show signs of delusions as half my mind goes an tells me it's only mild confusion. As my body fights my brain an heart to escape theys terrible illusions.

Yet the other half tries to start a fusion of body an mind an all the suddently my thoughts are no longer mine..

But a evil so Divine that its wound it's way threw time itself I've fealt the damage the energy dealt. I've yelped in anquish an pain been stuck for 7 long years in the rain with nothing to gain .. I can barely fathom to explain im not fully on earth I'm on another astral plane but i fear i flew out of my lane I've gone insane never wanted fame Ever fealt like bat man I mean oops Bruce Wayne. Nah fuck hes spoiled a wet rat infact I'm more like hulk duck when I'm near i wearly see I'm drowning inside my mind but no one can hear my dear I fear I've lost control again but cant compute I've been booted out of the system I've clawed hit an kicked to try to get to the top but i outta of known I've been ripped an thrown from my throne ive been shown what this beast can do but who woulda thought a demon bought my soul ..a jackal a goul.....you'll see me shift into numbness I suposse it was my own dumbness for being to open now cause of me my body an mind are broken an stole. as I weep an shutter an i try to speak but only stutter I found myself weak in defeat ....as ik this demon reaching its peak will plunder an pillage the town I've found I'm bound to this beast nowhere to run not north south or east I can run it will feast on my soul until the end of time ..

For diamonds cannot compare to the rarity of a soul nor a bowl of Ruby's an jems rolled in gold .....

A bold statement you say........

.. theres no ray of light here they stole it away buried it in your mind but how can u define being locked trapped in yourself ...

You've dealt your own fate ...

Wanting ansers u dint deserve ..

Did you like your just dessert's...no?

Dose it hurt ..... After you itll kill children's childhood freinds like bernie & eart ....whent bizzirk an bashed there brains makeing bloody rains

curking on everyone with cutlery forks an knifes* slice *cook big bird with chives after I've shanked him 900 times... 100 more woulda been devine serve him drink to dry alone cooked an ripped him to the bone but not quite alone u may not be home inside but u can still watch...I thought I taught u better than to close ur eyes dont beg or look surprised look away an I'll adopt another stray to do the same a slow sweet death cure's my hunger anyway

.the wines innocents blood bitter sweet to the taste of the tounge

no one thought it capable I seemed...looked ...so young..

They dint know it had just begun it wasn't me but the evil half committing crime with glee an fleeing repetavidly revealingly images to my mind of times & crimes so sickening I thought I'd die forever scetched seered into my mind .binded with no power as one towers over you using your power you cowar for how dose one define the disasbalment of there an every defined mind while ur inner demon dines on flesh making a mess of your vessel you cant even wrestle your way to the light to stay only break down in defeat that your so far away you've became an internal mess cant even stand on ur feet the beast has u chained in defeat u cry an apologize looking for answers as of how to stop.....an then...you hear a voice .." you outta stayed silent instead of talk back. U shouldn't of complained do u still think ur life used to be pain...... . Ur a sack of shit ur wit is less than that of an ant not to rant but I'm not done yet I have ur soul now I'm never letting go no no no I have plenty more so much to show many souls to reap an emotions to subdue after all u said yes.....

...did you forget ur the one who started this.

mess ......you dressed your mind with fantasy an fiction word to the wise never mess with other worldly friction an your itching for a way out but I doubt ull get there before the end of time .after all you had a devil an an angel on ur shoulder an you chose wrong this time. Only took 666 times but I'm patient an always waiting for 6 years hating an burning flesh waiting for a prayer a call after all Lucifer was once an angel an the most beautiful you just dint get to see from what angle he had beauty wrath an determination but u humans resulted in his isolation incarsorason. So now we will end up being humanity's enialation when were done there entire selves with evaporate for the demons have released self hate to pro create creatures in confidence we annihilate the fate of the human race at least the trace slight like us able to bust threw dementions so weve mentioned a start to find the inordinary soul an heart ......humanity was doomed from the start.. you stole our purpose our reason to be......humans sit in sin an glee.

Your humanitys Pride is overbearing never genuinely caring ..

Greed is sweeping the nation its reached ever state an it's got a hot heaping plate of corruption for mankind's consumption greed is grotesque in its steps of the darkest quest to corupt ur mind an want. .want..want until that's all you are is wanting more

Lusting over losely draped garments you've tarnished ur soul .

Envy of what you do not posses but for all you know that information an life would make you a mess but ud still test ur envious tendencies.....

Glutton glutton what have you gained it's not knowledge no for it's to plain rather glutton uve found a urge that wont go away....

Wrath an vengeance blood draw too no one stops till some dies him or you....

Sloth last but not least cant forget you cause uuuh wait what that fuck do u do....you sleep an sulk sit slither out of simple tasks an that's why ur not 1st no ur last like humanity just ask ....

So soon the day will draw near the the number 4 is what you should fear our dear old freinds were sending up for a visit so they can reddit ur fate for each a horse an a trait the first out the door with bow in hand riding a white horse with bow in hand

..

Conquest the start of the final test leading the restthere dark version of light on a white stallion he leads the way an soon will follow hades anyway.

War was next on a red steed he rode prepared to purge an quench new blood for the wars an battels would just begin brother against brother an close of kin witch to win?

Famine foe of all on a black horse with the courses hair so fair merely bone but dont let his appearance fool you hes for he is full devouring your greed taking away everything you want or need an now ur rationed to nearly starvation stretching farther than destination world wide sensation...

Pleage reaper of souls slowly apears steadly trotting riding a very sickly steed looking pale an almost gruesome green with sores an sickness best keep a distance. For he shall be the bringer of death an reap you all one by one to the four you shall fall...

Will you be spared are you true....

Are you happy with your life what did you do...?

Rapture no you still must die.....

Say good by to this earthy chapter theres so much more that manifest after.

But only your earthly husk must rust an fall your all energy of grate mass....

It's time to take the task of self evolvment an enjoy an enlightened installment

this world was just step wrench ur third eye wide open an accept the token of eternal life.

Grinded it to atoms a flash of dust all together ur a self fulfilling must memory pass u in a rush.....

. sudently ur bodysuit is gone ....

But it dint felt like it quite belonged.

You were 7 grams of light matter to be exact an sudently you've cracked the atmosphere ..steering energetic waves my metal psyche caves to the new information flying threw stars consolations.

Suddently speeding at the sound of light the stratosphere seems to disapear ..

My fear is gonewithout a trace an freedom transferred in its place

but am waved in infatuation to find out about out true destination...

Restoration of the soul the goal of a higher self being achieved as I crash into the sun 1500°

I feel a warmth like no other each being hues of light I might of missed earth if not I heard a voice but a mental push no need for speech just thinking it shall be done said by the the brightest in the sun.

Rejoice at last but ur journeys yet to pass ..

This is merely were you start ....

Our flames grew high with frantic waves not wanting to give up the new life we were just gave

Suddenly our flames grew dim as we felt a swirling deep from withn sudently the surface of the sun turned to tin an bent in a cracked an caved with itself our time an space sending us ascending in alignment the same assignment.

Because the sun has begun to change ina twisted way a black hole some could say.

As all of our astral beings were ripped an tore apart at the seams we all merged an formed one all knowing creative being an sudently everything I've know has little matter I'm past a point of human chatter i understand infinity the holy trinity I down in the milky way an experienced every life I've relived it twice I've spliced my genetics into over 2000 million beings I've seen good an bad in between experienced every tragedy to build my strength an studyd every thesis an theory thread an chain nearly drove my vessel insane even took knifes threw my veins in anger yet it failed I was just a trailer.ive seen love hate an anger

Comprehension compasing many others I have love an understanding past many beings there anger seems to brush by me cause I'm with 2000 souls an minds that have formed one to reach a state I can medidate in the milky way an force your negative away .

Our astral self has accumulated complete power an understanding by costuming to our full potential our old body's merely a rental.

Gentle at first then bursted into power showered in knowledge I know now much that I wondered before but now I want more an I've thought till I an 2000 shared beings head hurt cause my girth of knowledge will now never be enough it's tough cause now I must find .... how to ascend again but for now i must defend my vast mind defind crime ...?

Keeping 2000 vast voices locked away so I can focus an try to learn anyway leaning in to vast places is I the 1st 2nd or 3rd or other many plains I cant quiet place I'm traveling threw them all searching for everything I couldn't before .

This life isent like the countless other this life I like it has interesting teathers

I've surpass Angel's an there feathers an vison of a hawk.

I've surpass demonds and there demonic temping talk ..

I've walked on water as I was ripped apart an I felt my self rebuilt every cell of my being got hit with rods of power lightning not even myself can fight me god like abilities the universe as built in me theres ben a spiritual shift a tilt in me somthing generations of DNA sprawled out in a numerical display my old life experiences is the price I pay so that I can be god even if only for a day

I think I'll sit an think somewere in the outter spink of the universe I've cursed myself with knowledge an now I'm aware step into my astral space....

If you dare...

[realityandrebirth]

ok here it is

im sticking it under the read more bc it’s not like. done yet tbh but here: morro finds out cyrus borg has a cybernetic arm, asks a bunch of questions about it, borg relives a bad day

warnings: amputation, I guess?? some talk about the overlord and the Shit He Did. morro is insensitive. idk what else to warn about

"Why do you always wear just one glove?" Morro asks one day in the office, leaning back in his chair and folding paper airplanes out of the printouts of ancient runes.

"What, this?" Cyrus rubs his left hand over the rubbery texture of his right. "It's not a glove, it's the cover for my prosthetic."

Morro loses his balance, his chair tipping back too far, and crashes to the ground.

"Ah! Morro, are you –"

"Your what?" Morro yelps, scrambling to his feet. "You're missing an arm?"

"Did you… not know?" Cyrus frowns at him. "It's not exactly a secret, and you did possess my body once –"

"I had bigger things to worry about back then." Morro stares at him with wide eyes. "What happened?"

Cyrus winces at the memory, and his hand – the one made of flesh and blood – starts to tremble. "You weren't nearly as curious about how I lost the use of my legs," he says, trying to keep his tone casual.

"You told me you were born that way."

"That's not technically true, though they did lose functioning at a very early age –"

"I didn't ask you about your legs."

Morro is still staring at him. Cyrus wrings his hands together, hyperaware of the lack of feeling in his right arm, and sighs. "It was the Overlord," he says. "He… after I gave the ninja the Technoblades, he – he tried to make me as dependent on technology as he was. So if something happened to him, he could, well, get rid of me."

"So he took your arm?"

"And replaced it with this one, yes." He had still been conscious when the saw came down. Cyrus remembers begging and pleading as it came closer and closer, held down by the machines, calling out for someone, anyone to help him – remembers screaming his voice hoarse until he blacked out, only waking up days later –

"Can I see it?"

Cyrus shakes his head. "I'm sorry, what?"

Morro repeats his question: "You arm. Can I see it?"

"I… well, you're looking at it right now." Cyrus chuckles nervously and raises his arm, covered by his sleeve.

"You know what I mean."

He could say no. Morro had asked, after all. Then again, the kid was just curious. It couldn't hurt much, could it?

"Alright," he says, and he slowly takes off his jacket. He shouldn't be so anxious, Cyrus thinks, his hand shaking as he rolls up his sleeve, revealing the metal underneath. Morro is just curious. They don't have to bring it up ever again after this one time.

When he peels the cover off his hand, he can't help but cringe at the clearly artificial fingers. The prosthetic functions well enough that with the cover, it's easy enough to mistake it for real – Morro certainly had, even after all this time. But the hand itself – Cyrus hates it, hates remembering when he woke up on the floor, his rescuers whispering in worried tones – for a moment he had thought it had all been a dream. Look, he had two arms, didn't he? Never mind how he couldn't feel his fingers, even as he wiggled them in front of his face, never mind the metal plate embedded in his chest –

Most of all, he hates that he will forever have a permanent reminder of his folly, his contribution in letting the Overlord return. The plate had been removed, the only thing left being the scars on his chest, and those can be ignored easily enough. But the arm is so thoroughly embedded in his body that it's impossible to remove without doing more damage. Cyrus supposes he should consider himself lucky that he has two functioning arms at all – but he hates it.

He wrenches his train of thought off that track. "Well, here it is," he says, straightening his arm out for Morro to see. He opens his mouth to say something else, but the words escape his mind, so he elects to stay silent.

Morro reaches for it, then retracts his hands. "Can I…?"

"Touch it? Well, I don't see why not. I don't, ah, have any feeling in it, so…"

"No feeling at all?" Morro reaches again, but hesitates.

"No, none at all. Sometimes I imagine I do, but…" Cyrus shakes his head and looks away for a moment. "It's never anything real."

When he looks back, Morro is gently holding the prosthetic, just below the elbow. "There was never anything like this when I was alive," he says, running his hand down the metal. "How does it work?"

"It's, ah, well…" Cyrus sucks in air between his teeth. "I'm not… entirely comfortable discussing the details."

"Are you right handed or left handed?"

"Excuse me?"

Morro smiles sheepishly. "Just curious."

Cyrus' mouth twitches. "I was ambidextrous, but I consider myself left-handed now."

"But this arm still works, right?"

Deep breaths. There's a dull pain in his chest, where the scars are. He's probably just imagining it out of stress. "It works, yes, but it took a long time to get used to it. I'm… still not used to it, even after all this time."

"Can you take it off?"

"It was – so thoroughly –" The doctors said part of the arm's wiring was attached to his spine. To remove it entirely might kill him. Cyrus couldn't accept that, at first, had searched all his options, and found he simply didn't have any. "– they couldn't – barely knew what he did – shouldn't have been possible –"

Morro is still holding the arm – Cyrus rips it out of his grasp. Morro blinks. "Are you alright?" he asks.

"Get out."

"What –"

Cyrus manages to roll his sleeve back down, despite how badly he's shaking. "You heard me."

"Did I say something wrong?"

How can he be this oblivious – "Do you see me asking you questions about how you died?" he snaps. "Or what it was like in the Cursed Realm?"

Morro winces. "I didn't –"

"Didn't what? Didn't mean it? Didn't think?" Cyrus takes a deep breath. "I will talk to you about this once I've calmed down. Now please leave."

"I –"

Cyrus glares at him and points at the door. "I said, get out!"

For another agonizing moment, Morro doesn't move. Then, finally, he stands up. "I'll be in my room," he says. Then, quieter, "I'm sorry."

It's only when Morro leaves that Cyrus allows himself to cover his face and sob.

[sweetdreamsdude]

There’s some things about me; somethings I don’t like to talk about; so let’s talk about them

My expectations of people fluctuate more than the waves of the sea. I expect nothing from anyone but at the same time I’m frustrated if you aren’t trying to give people as much as I give. I’ll raise you as high as I can, just to have you crash me down & when im falling ill still hold you gently but I can’t promise we aren’t going to tumble.

My physical appearance; I’m always changing because I never feel like me. The extra weight I wish I didn’t have to the point that I felt like vomiting the food I didn’t eat; the weird moles that I swear I didn’t have when I fell asleep but they crept up on me like the iceberg on the titanic. I feel like a stranger in my own skin, trying to rip it off always tugging wondering when I’ll be comfortable, but it never comes, I never ease. I’m always squirming.

, my parents always said that my “niceness” will get me killed one day, but if that’s my biggest worry then I think I’ll be just fine. I’d rather be shot by doing some good, than to pay someone to shoot so that they can “keep me safe”. I want to love and change the world, not hate and watch it burn because of my own selfish tendencies . If you punching me in the face is going to cure your disease then baby go ahead and swing because I’m not here to bring you bad vibes I’m only here to try and make you feel better & after you’ve swung and you’ve done your damage if you can’t look at me in the eyes anymore, if you can’t handle what’s happened and you need to run, sprint as far as you can, just feel like you need to get away then go. I’m not going to stop you. I’ll reach out for you and I’ll be ready to comfort you but if you don’t look back that’s okay. If you don’t need my touch, that’s okay. If you don’t need to hear me say your name, or tell you how much I care about you that’s okay. Because just like the breeze of the sea, the warmth of the sun, and the stars in the sky I’m there for you. I’ll be here, for you even if you all you need to do is swing again.

Did you know that i can’t fall asleep in a quiet room? I’m scared my thoughts will force themselves in a reality and I’ll be standing stranded waiting for the good in the world, the good that I know I can help with, the good that is meant to go around, the good.. the good that’s just never going to come. The good that I know lives in my heart and plenty of others hearts but no one sees the good anymore they only talk about the bad, its bad to talk about good and good to talk about the bad and only push the bad because the bad gets you ratings, the bad makes you known, the bad gets you out there, the bad makes you money. The bad is what people want to hear about. My mind scared me, My own thoughts haunt me, my own body attacks itself ...pathetic enough? Not yet.

My anxiety drives me day in and day out, to the point of no return, it wakes me up with a loud pounding on my door, but my door is my chest and it’s my heart trying to escape but doesn’t it know? Doesn’t it know that it can’t survive on the other side? It’s not meant to survive on the other side but still it wants out. It wants to get away from the pain it wants to relieve itself from the anguish, it wants to be free. It wants to experience the other side because it thinks it would be better, it thinks it would be off better on the other side, inside of on the in, being supported by all those organs around it, having the blood pump through it but it doesn’t matter what’s around it it wants out it’s pounds to get out it needs out.... But who knows, that part could just be me.

Depression.

, put me on your pedestal, give me all the compliments you want my smile will light the world but only for a moment. Liars, is all I’m thinking. They’re going to leave you stupid. They’re using you they’re playing you, they’re planning against you. You’ll look away and the bombs will drop, the earth will quake, the seas will dry and my world will free fall but there’s nothing you did and nothing you could do to stop it. You see It’s my own hell destined to be relived day in and out. It’s the way my mind works after all the years of hurt and pain and being just too damn nice to the wrong people. It affected me more than I even knew. You’ll see it in my eyes,e begging for your help but I’ll just smile back into yours and I’ll say “nah, I’m just tired” we both know that’s a load of shit, but do you really care? Probably, but not enough to dig into me, he’ll be okay, you’ll say which is really okay. I don’t want you to anyways.

Alone.

Fuck I love being alone and I hate it, like a soda when we complain about the burn or how it makes us burp right after we take a sip.. only to just go ahead and drink some more. Alone, it makes me more creative but only in the ways to end it. I find myself thinking about it more and more but always saying “yeah but that’s stupid” and so stupid it is, but what if I’m meant to be stupid? What if stupid really is as stupid does and I’m not saying I want to die , I’m saying I want the feeling to go away. I want to be around people that care, although we know those dont exist, now do we know? Because in this world sometimes our own parents use us for their own selfish greed and don’t try to tell me that that’s not true because I’ve come home to more taken money than I can count & ive gone on more beer runs for my drunk parents while I was doing homework because they looked at what I was doing and said “we need more beer your studying can wait, we need this now” and I know they love me, I do. But I also know sometimes they simply don’t care in the moment, which is okay. I’ll be stronger but I’ll be stronger alone.

But if I died tomorrow would you say, I saw this but I thought he was fine, he didn’t need help, I can’t believe he’s gone I can’t believe my best friend is gone I can’t believe this guy I loved is gone I can’t believe this great guy that I never talked to is gone, I can’t believe this super funny guy that only wanted to help people is gone, I can’t believe this angel is gone I can’t believe he’s gone I was just going to message him the other day I can’t believe he’s gone I can’t believe I can’t believe I can’t believe I can’t believe... believe it. And I swear to god who I don’t know is real or not that if you aren’t one of five people that can actually say that you loved me I swear I will haunt your life in horrible ways I will lead the love of your life towards you and rip them away from your grasp just so you can truly say you lost someone you loved. I’ll make you eat your words. Just like I’ve eaten mine. no one really cares. Because well let’s be honest no ones really reading this here.. now are you?

That’s why I can tell you that I hurt myself so bad that I passed out, just to have my sister find me in tears and wake me up by punching me in the face calling me stupid but telling me to not leave her alone that I can’t leave her alone.

That’s why I can tell you that I starved myself to the point that I collapsed during a game, but blamed it on the lack of water i drank that day and fooled all of you.

That’s why I can tell you that my heart aches so badly that I can’t sleep unless the sweet whispers of some random show in the background are going on as if someone is talking to me, whispering they love me sometimes my mind even convinces me it’s you , even though it’s usually just Rachel complaining Ross.

That’s why I can tell you that I refuse to get help because I’m fighting this demon on my own and I’m going to fight this demon on my own because I am me and it is it and I’m stronger and I know I’m stronger and I know I can beat it and I know it’s stupid and I know I’m stupid and I know, I know, I know. I have heard it all before, that demon has got nothing on me, that demon is a tiny little wimp, I’m stronger than the demon, that demon can try all he wants and he’ll never take me down and I know I’m bigger than the demon and I know I am more than the demon and I have been told that I should know I can over come it...

But even Goliath lost to David.. didn’t he?