#i’m going to wait til my birthday in february anyway

[fingertipsmp3]

Genuine question. What do I do if I like basically every single perfume sample in a set I got

[heliphantie]

Happy 1st anniversary of Encanto!

Sample of several Brunos drawn during October. Tag yourself, as they say.

Under ‘read more’ – small selection of art through the year + some ramblings:

Back in the middle of 2021, I’ve got interested by couple of things about it: implication that Disney – or animation in general - does something inspired by Gabriel García Márquez, and also being Latino-inspired Disney musical movie, which I wanted to see since listening to “Snuff Out The Light” from what became “Emperor’s New Groove”. Wasn’t expecting a lot, neither, to be honest, got in result, except some surprising consequences. I admire a lot of work, classic and more contemporary, by Disney animation and its creatives, even if nothing in last decade or so impressed me on the level Golden Age, Renaissance, or even early 00s production did.

To be fair, in the end I only stay intrigued by its concept and production art more than by actual movie, and it’s realistically more than I would expect. That, and fact Disney happened to create character catering specifically to me in a lot of aspects, which is unfathomable (but it’s a talk for other time).

I would like to collect all my thoughts about the movie to make thorough writing on it, but it calls for motivation and time dedicated to it. In one or another form, I still consider to do it sometime, not necessarily in consecutive form…

What is significant to me, it has triggered my long-tarred decision to resume drawing, which I had on hold for literal years. For now, beside of continued efforts in building skills, I feel almost obligated to put on paper (or digital canvas) all ideas thinking about the movie sparked (and I’m not even over a quarter of it currently).

I’d like to do one another big thing for its first anniversary before the end of year, but being on low energy and not wanting to rush through it, I hope I finish it to Christmas. Anyway, there is some of my work of that year which, out of all artistic attempts, I find satisfactory, considering my current level.

Sort of digest of the (not complete, given I started in April) year of art, dedicated mostly to one subject.

Julieta Gets All Kisses Returned (April 2022)

One of very first, early pictures. In fact, I drew it in pencil on very first day, April 1, along with couple of other small doodles. Idea for it was also quite old, from February, and it was supposed to be birthday-related, before official birthdays were revealed, and it turned I have to wait for half of year😊 Or draw it regardless, because it still worked out of that context and was small and simple enough for first steps. With all its simplicity, it *could* have been better, but I’m even fond of its roughness. There are some drawings I realize liking only for having low expectations for it, but as time goes, they look crappy to me, but not this one. (May be fun to re-make it too next year, to look at progress/improvement, assuming I’ll reach any.)

Teenage Bruno (April 2022)

This one I did in pencil on the *second* day. Piece of wisdom to myself: comics, even short ones, are trickier than regular drawing. It’s consisted of small frames, but you have to figure out composition and make character designs in each panel consistent. It takes twice time to make everything right and without a hurry.

Whole thing barely fits into any context of canon, I just imagined young Bruno interacting with children similar to Mirabel, and this conversation sprang to mind. I had to come with context to support it (Bruno had his gift kept in relative secret til late adolescence), but in general, main connection with my personal headcanon is just that he always was more resilient and lighthearted than given credit for.

On this note, I’ve had intention of exploring my headcanon about characters and Bruno in particular via mini-comics (lot of it had comic scenarios in its roots), and there’s bunch of scripts for it lying not processed into work yet, and as I said, I’m going to finish them because I don’t want for this spurt of inspiration to go to waste, even if it takes time.

On the comic itself, I also like how it turned, given all imperfections. Having to figure look of younger Bruno was fun, and it had some amusing by-products as well I’ll show other time😊 People online seem liking it, too, maybe because it has some narrative. And, frankly, I ought to make narrative things more often.

WDTAB Reenacted (April-May 2022)

Another fun early idea, WDTAB musical number with only Mirabel and Bruno. Two challenges: full-body figures in dynamic poses and drawing with references (without tracing, purely from eye), putting some spin on it. Curious realization: no matter how I try to keep body proportions accurate, all people I draw look like hobbits… except Bruno who does look like hobbit by design already.

My favorite is middle-bottom fragment, dynamic pose construed from scratch.

Bruno & Toni (July-August 2022, fragment of mini-comic)

It’s just this, a fragment of another (rare) mini-comic, but somehow in the end of it, I unexpectedly liked this one panel enough to single it out. I still struggle conveying emotions and mood of characters, but this one turned fortunately in that regard. It’s “sparking joy”, to use meme-speak.

Dolores (August 2022)

I wasn’t exactly determined to draw something to every official character birthday, only when I had idea in mind and it happened to align with date, but since May I was going (almost) steady providing something to each, small or bigger, like that one. It was first full-page picture with background and multiple elements, I wasn’t sure I’d finish it on time, but I managed to, and for most of it, I like the result. It’s not always that vision of thing is clear from beginning and gets exact realization, it’s interesting to see what I get in the end. Layers of background and decorative elements are all over place, it’s accidentally looking like sort of collage, but popping up quite vividly. It got some attention on Twitter, and frankly, I’m pleasantly surprised with it, the work paid off.

Also, how I pointed while presenting it for first time, I was inspired by production art and lines from script depicting Dolores as “weird cousin”, and to lesser extent by fan song “Turn It Down”. When someone mentioned she looks Tim Burton-esque, I was glad I nailed that association.

For further note, Dolores and Pepa are two characters with very attractive color design, I like every opportunity of drawing them.

Bunch of small things drawn during September-October – see samples in header image of post and under ‘encanto fanart’ tag in the blog by yourself, they’re all recent.

Despite smaller goals, I feel like it’s biggest improvement of the year: slowly getting expressions, shadow and lighting rendering, figuring out consistent personal style for characters, etc. I may get slowed down for now (and it affects my work), but I realize there’s long way ahead, and it’s encouraging to see I already have progressed a bit. Fanart is legit good starting point for working toward artistic aspirations, both fun and productive.

So, this post turned into one about personal achievements rather than one about the movie, but in the end, it’s all thanks to inspiration it gave me, so my felicitations to it!

[bad-at-names-and-faces]

[redacted]

Chapter 24

chapter index

On the off chance you’re seeing this post and haven’t read any other chapters, go to the chapter index now and fix that... It’s ok, I’ll wait.

Unredeemable

Queen Elsa approached the tiny house next to the harbor. Kai had told her where she would find it. Gerda had given her a plain cloak that would cover her almost completely, and she left quietly through a side door of the castle and walked into town, unnoticed. She knocked at the door which was barely tall enough for someone her height to enter comfortably. A woman dressed all in black opened it. 

"Yes?"

"May I come in?" Elsa pulled down the hood of her cloak just enough for her face to be visible.

"Your Majesty! Please! We have to be quiet." She gestured at the baby sleeping in its cradle.

“Your name is Margit, yes?” Elsa asked.

“Yes, Your Majesty, it is!” 

“I… I heard about your husband. I’m so sorry,” the Queen whispered.

“Thank you, but you didn’t need to… Why are you here?  It’s the middle of the night.”

“I apologize. I did need to speak to you, though. Gerda, at the castle, I believe you know her at least a little?” 

“Yes,” Margit affirmed. “When I was younger, she would hire me for occasional mending work, after my mother died.” 

“She told me that you came to her this week looking for work, now that your husband…”

The woman sat down in the chair by the cradle and closed her eyes. “Yes.  I told her that I need some work, but I have no one to take care of the baby.  He’s almost weaned. The midwife had suggested waiting til he’s at least a year old, but I’ve seen plenty of children do fine younger.  I need the money, your Majesty, but I want to work for it. I don’t want to be reduced to begging.  Or worse…”

“How old is your child now, Margit?” Elsa asked gently.

Margit looked at the sleeping child with a sad smile. “He’ll be seven months next week.” 

Elsa paused, thinking.  “His birthday will be in March, correct?”

“Yes, your Majesty.”

“I… I may have a solution for you.” The Queen somehow looked both relieved and nervous.

“Your Majesty?”

“If… if you find the terms agreeable, you would be well compensated.”

“What terms?”

“Absolute silence and discretion. We… someone…” Elsa thought about her words carefully. “There will be need of a wet nurse.”  

***

Anna faced Elsa, who hadn’t answered her question.  

“Elsa,” she repeated. “Who is Margit Nilsen? Is that why I got the letter from Corona?”

“I think you know,” her sister sighed. “And you’re the one who asked me not to tell you.”

“You're right, I did…” Anna murmured, sitting down by the window. 

“Did Inga say something?” Elsa asked. 

“Not exactly, I mean, she did. She was surprised that I didn’t already know Mrs. Nilsen. But it was his birthday.  Until then, I think I was in denial. After all, you hadn’t actually told me the baby was a boy.”

***

"Elsa?" Rapunzel knocked at the door of the study. "Is everything okay in there?"

"Are you sure about this?" Anna asked as Elsa walked to the door.  "We hardly know her."

"We haven't come up with any other ideas… none that we agree on, anyway.  If you're set against the trolls, it can't be here, we have to go abroad… you know that."

"Yes, and I want to know as little as possible.  Just not… that way. No magic."

Elsa opened the door.

Rapunzel looked around the room as she walked in.  Princess Anna was sitting by the window, eyes red, but otherwise she appeared calm. “What’s the matter?” 

“I think I trust you,” Elsa began, “it’s a delicate situation, with… far reaching political implications.”

“Is it that Prince Hans?” Rapunzel guessed. “Is he actually trying to push that marriage claim he made three months ago?”

All the remaining color drained from Anna’s face. Elsa spoke up. “Not exactly, and… we’re hoping that it doesn’t come up. But we need your help.  Are there places in Corona that someone could spend a few months and not draw any attention?”

***

“Inga?” Frederick pushed open the door of the study.  “Father said I should come help you?”

“Finally, thank you!” Inga exclaimed. “Mother just up and left on some errand, and I have no idea where she is or when she’ll be back. You did well enough answering letters this summer, so I think you can be helpful.”

“Thanks, I guess?” Frederick smirked.  “I don’t know if my French tutor would agree.”

“You know I’m not going to tell you something that isn’t true, right?” 

“I know,” he assured her, sitting down across from her.  “Oh!  Did I tell you? I ran into Admiral Sorensen after the reception, and he said that he could take me on a short run around the islands and see if I really know as much about sailing as I say I do.”

“I think he’d be pleasantly surprised,” Inga smiled.  “Did you get a chance to ask Mother and Father if it’s okay?”

“No, I’ve hardly had any time since we got back, and it sounds like I won’t be asking them today,” he admitted.  “Now, tell me what to do here.”

***

It was officially announced:  Queen Elsa of Arendelle and her sister, Princess Anna, would be taking a Grand Tour of nearby friendly nations to establish stronger diplomatic relations, with the help of the Crown Princess Rapunzel of Corona.  Everyone knew what this meant: they intended to find a suitable husband for Princess Anna.  They would leave before Christmas.  There were never official confirmations of this, but the fact that the Queen intended to return to Arendelle by February, leaving her sister in the Kingdom of Corona through the spring, only seemed to confirm this. 

***

The baby was asleep when Kristoff returned to the bedroom, so he quickly went to the bathroom to change.  He was relieved to see the baby hadn’t woken up when he reemerged, and collapsed on the bed.  He wasn’t sure how long he’d been asleep when Anna walked in.

“Kristoff,” she whispered, sitting down next to him on the bed.

“Anna?” he replied groggily. “Is anything wrong?”

“I’ve told Kai to cancel all my meetings tomorrow,” she blurted out quickly as she sat down on the bed.

Kristoff sat up and looked at her. “Huh? Why?  You’re not already pregnant again… No, wait, that’s impossible.”

“No, no, of course not,” she laughed weakly.  She looked away and started crying.

“Now you really have me worried.” He hugged her tightly.

“I…” Anna took a deep breath to collect herself before continuing. “I went to speak with Elsa… Inga told me something Elsa said about the trip to Corona, and…” 

Kristoff looked at her in confusion, waiting for her to continue.  Anna looked up at him, her eyes red and wet. “Should I even tell you? What good would it even do?”

“You can tell me,” he insisted.  “What did Elsa say that’s so awful?”

“No, it’s not…” Anna struggled to find her words.  “It’s not about the trip this year.”

Kristoff looked at her in confusion, trying to remember which trip she could be talking about. It had been years since Elsa had been on a trip abroad, and he had been on nearly every trip with Anna since he’d known her, except for one.

“That trip,” Kristoff replied flatly.

***

Kristoff watched as the ship sailed off.  He believed Anna when she told him to wait for her, but there were still whispers around the castle and the town that the trip had another purpose. He had only known her for four months, it was fine, he told himself.

"C'mon, Sven," he called out.  He would wait for her, but not at the castle if he could help it.

"Whoa there, I was told to keep an eye on you!” he heard a man call from behind. Kristoff turned around to see the husband of Anna and Elsa’s somewhat distant cousin. He hadn’t learned their names, but the sisters had become very close to their cousin in the last few months, having lots of conversations they wouldn't tell him about.

"Really?” he asked skeptically. “Why?"

"Well, I don't know,” the man admitted. “But those are my instructions. To be perfectly honest,  I can't tell you why I'm not on that boat, but I trust there’s a good reason.”

"Fine. I'll stay," Kristoff huffed. Sven snorted in agreement.

"Eugene," he said, sticking out his hand. Kristoff stared at him skeptically. "I mean, I'm kind of stuck here until your queen gets back…"

"Kristoff," he mumbled, reluctantly shaking hands. "So, what am I supposed to do?"

"Actually…” the other man paused. “Do you think you could show me the mountains?"

“Do I look like a tour guide?”

***

Kristoff and Anna had been sitting in silence for what felt like an eternity. Finally, Anna remembered the letter she had received from Corona. She walked over and retrieved it from the back of her top dresser drawer, handing it silently to Kristoff when she returned to the bed.

Corona, August 4th, 1864

To Her Majesty, Queen Anna of Arendelle,

I apologize for never personally writing in all the years since your coronation. I had been in regular correspondence with your sister before her abdication.  I would say it was nothing personal, but I realize the time you spent in Corona with me was not something you wished to remember. I respected your wishes to remain in the dark on that matter, and kept your sister informed for two years until her abdication. I kept my promise up to a point regarding the matter, but there has been a change.  I have heard that your sister is again visiting, and if you can show her this letter, I’m sure she will understand.

Fondest Regards,

Crown Princess Rapunzel of Corona

Kristoff stared at the letter. “The matter… she means?”

“Yes,” Anna replied weakly.  

“What changed?” 

“There was supposed to be a job waiting with the Corona Palace Guards,” she began. “That requires taking the Civil Service Examination, purely as a formality.  But when someone gets a perfect score, the Diplomatic School is always interested…”

***

“It’s three in the morning, Elsa,” Rapunzel mumbled groggily.

"Sorry, I just woke the midwife. It's time. Is your husband here?"

"Yes, Eugene just arrived a few hours ago, why?"

"We should make sure that Mrs-" she looked around, and continued, "that the wetnurse is awake. You know where she's living now, I don't."

"Why don't I go?"

"I need someone ready to take the baby, and I'll stay here with my sister."

"I suppose you'll be returning home as soon as you can?"

"Yes, I've talked with the midwife about it. She'll let me know when it's safe. Can you make sure a ship is waiting? I don't want any attention."

***

Kristoff sat staring out the window, the letter laying in his lap where he had dropped it minutes before, still trying to process what he had learned.   

Anna broke the silence again. “I had convinced myself that I had forgotten about it. Everything was taken care of, and there was nothing to worry about, and no risk involved.”

Kristoff was still looking out the window. “I know, when you first told me about it, you said you didn’t want to know anything… but… you really had no suspicions?”

“Actually, I think I did. There was something about him. I realize that's why I made excuses about the wedding. But I didn't realize that's what I was doing. The name meant nothing to me, and it’s not like we kept pictures around.”

***

Anna and Elsa sat silently in the study. The initial emotions from Anna’s confession had subsided. 

"Anna, would you be willing to get married?"

"What?"

"It would be an option.  There might be some talk, but…  It seems rushed, I know, especially with… with what I said before.” Elsa stammered.  “But he seems good. Kristoff, I mean."

Anna stared at her. "But we haven't… it's… I mean, I think I would like to, eventually, but not like this." 

“Think about it,” Elsa replied calmly.

Anna sat for a few moments looking at one of the shelves of law books. "Elsa, are you planning to get married?"

"What does that have to do with this… with anything?"

"Because…" Anna took a breath. "If I get married now, any baby born will be legitimate, and unless you get married and… have your own, that means that… that he gets… He already could make a bigamy claim, you know, the law like it is. The timing of the pregnancy might be enough to get their attention down there. I don't want to see him again, any more than you do."

"Oh," Elsa sighed, taking a moment to contemplate. "You've had some time to think this through, I guess."

***

Kristoff sighed, finally looking away from the window and directly at Anna.  “So, who knows this?”

“Elsa, of course,” she began.  “I think Kai knows, too.” 

“Anyone else?  Does… does he know?”

“No, only Mrs. Nilsen, and she’s been good to her word about not sharing her guesses about things. Part of the arrangement back then… I would know as little as possible about her, and she would know as little as possible about me. Elsa told her part of the truth now… not all of it.”

They sat silently for a while.

“Well, I can see why your sister was suddenly interested in helping a wedding along this summer,” Kristoff laughed feebly.

“What do you mean?” Anna looked at him blankly, then suddenly got his meaning.  “Oh… Oh my, I hadn’t thought of that.  You don’t think that was… No, Inga seemed to like Elizabeth well enough.  Thank goodness for that.”

They paused for a moment, the room silent except for the baby’s snoring. Years of unspoken topics seemed to hang in the air.  

Kristoff interrupted the quiet. “Now what?”

***

Anna's knuckles turned white as her foot slipped. The rope caught her a foot above Kristoff's head.

"You okay? Do you want to take a break and try again later?" Kristoff asked from below.

"Let me… let me catch my breath. Sorry."

"Did I tie the rope too tight? I thought I was being careful this time."

"No…" she said, still trying to catch her breath, "I think maybe I laced too tight this morning. You probably didn't need to know that, sorry."

Kristoff had lowered himself to the ground and began to help Anna down.

"Why would you even… I'm sorry, I really know nothing about these things…" Kristoff was flustered.

"I guess… to look good… for you?" Anna stammered as Kristoff lifted her down and untied the rope. 

"Do you… do you really think you have to?" 

"I… want to… I wanted to wear this dress again, for you, but it doesn’t really fit any more."

"I want you to breathe. I think breathing is  good for you," he assured her. “And, um, I guess I should be flattered, but…”

"Sorry. It's stupid, I know. You're the one who suggested teaching me how to climb. I don't know what I was thinking… or, well, I know what I was thinking, but I don't know, it's been a year since I got back, and I shouldn't be talking about that, maybe…"

Kristoff held her shoulders and looked straight at her. "It's not stupid," he said with a sigh, "it's just… oh, nevermind…"

He let go and turned around, picking things up and starting to pack the bags.

"Wait…"  Anna said nervously. 

"What?" Kristoff stopped and turned around. 

"I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he told her, pulling her into his arms. “But…” she pushed back a little.  “I need to tell you something. Now. Before... anything else."

***

“You sure write quickly,” Frederick told Inga as they sat in the study going through the stacks of correspondence. He glanced absentmindedly at the letter on the top of the stack. “Should I take this one from Corona?”

Inga saw that it was addressed to her.

“Give me that,” Inga said a little too roughly as she grabbed the letter from her brother.

“Fine, have it your way.  I’ll take on Luxembourg next,” he sighed.  “Do you know when Mother is getting back from whatever it was she needed to do?  It’s been two days.  I’ve hardly seen Father, either. When is Aunt Elsa leaving? Olaf said he was going with her, too.”

“I really don’t know,” Inga admitted. “Something was off… Everyone seems off right now.” She shook her head.  “Thanks for coming to help me this week.  Your tutors can wait." She looked again at the address on the letter from Corona, and put it in her pocket unopened.  She examined the stack of letters and took the next one.

“What was in the letter from Corona?” Frederick asked.

“What?  Oh, no, I’ll read it later,” she demurred. She opened the new letter, quickly scanning it.  “I hope Mother doesn’t take too much more time.  This one will need the council.  Our ambassador to America just resigned.  He took an offer of free farmland in… some place out west.  The letter isn’t even from him; his butler wrote it.”

"Do you want to tell her, or should I?" Frederick asked.

"You get this one." She handed him the letter.

[silverduckie]

February 7th: Balo’s Birthday -- Her card in The Last of US AU [Post 1 of 2]

I’ve copy/pasted all the text in the readmore below because I am aware Ches’s handwriting can be hard to read in bulk. Her muse has always been very extra, it’s in character for her but it makes for harder reading in things like this.

To Our Dearest, Balo

I may have called dibs on starting this, perhaps it was because the boys wanted me to do the greeting for some reason. Not sure what   that was about, maybe showing me up? I just want to wish you the best of birthdays. If you told me last summer when we met about everything we'd go through together, I would have thought you were insane. Thank you, for becoming my sister - for never giving up on me, even if it put you in danger. Perhaps this year was one of the hardest of our lives, but I wouldn’t change you (and the boys I guess) for anything. Here's to another year together, I love you so much, B. Hopefully we can make this one worth remembering!

Love Always, Ches

I am not exactly sure how to start this, but  I guess HAPPY BIRTHDAY Balo!  We've already known each other two seasons, huh? And I'm looking forward to many more years by your side. Thank you for showing me there is so much more to life than surviving, I have never regretting following you for a second and I know in my heart I will never regret following you to the ends of the earth til the day I die. I love you with my whole heart, and I can't wait til we can go  home and start the rest  of our lives together!

-Collen

I guess I have to keep this short because some people we know can't write without taking up the whole page. (I wonder WHO that was). Anyway, happy birthday, B! We've been through hell, but over the past year, we've become a family. I know we're almost to the fireflies, but I promise that no matter what, you have all of us behind you, always. Love ya, now I'm off to try to figure out how these "cake" things work.

-Zander

[carneaderunt]

                         𝙷𝙴𝙻𝙻𝙾   !   it’s time for your daily dose of allison can’t stand when media doesn’t do just a couple of minutes of research on google to get dates   &   their timeline right.   anyway   ,   hi   ,   yes   ,   i’m back on my bullshit again   &   going to breakdown our modern day gang’s birthdays to make sure they’re 𝙹𝚄𝙽𝙸𝙾𝚁𝚂 in the fall of 𝟸𝟶𝟶𝟿.

                         although not a 𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗 source   ,   the tvd wikia is a great source   &   most people’s 𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚗 source for information regarding our favorite characters   ,   especially for pieces that might have only been mentioned once in a throwaway comment.   here are the list of birthdays given to us on the wikia site    ,   in order of birth.   note   ,   i have stated occasionally throughout this post that some of these birthdays are correct mathematically   ,   but some of those dates are still 𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 incorrect.   it’s really only like 𝚝𝚠𝚘 birthdays that are inherently wrong but as one of them is the main character of our show   &   is one of only two characters from our modern time to have been given both an age   &   their school grade   ,   it creates a problem.

𝚅𝙸𝙲𝙺𝙸 𝙳𝙾𝙽𝙾𝚅𝙰𝙽   ———   𝚊𝚞𝚐𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝟸𝟶   ,   𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟷.

it should be noted vicki is a senior in high school in 𝟸𝟶𝟶𝟿.

𝙴𝙻𝙴𝙽𝙰 𝙶𝙸𝙻𝙱𝙴𝚁𝚃   ———   𝚓𝚞𝚗𝚎 𝟸𝟸 , 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟸.

elena’s birthday is 𝚌𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚝 in its year.   she is eighteen season three’s 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚒𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚍𝚊𝚢   ,   which takes place in june of 𝟸𝟶𝟷𝟶   ,   so she is seventeen when the show starts in 𝚜𝚎𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟸𝟶𝟶𝟿 during her junior year of high school.

𝙲𝙰𝚁𝙾𝙻𝙸𝙽𝙴 𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙱𝙴𝚂   ———   𝚘𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟷𝟶   ,   𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟸.

caroline’s birthday is also 𝚌𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚝 in its year.   for her to be perpetually seventeen as we learn in season three’s 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚝𝚘𝚠𝚗  ,   she must have turned seventeen in 𝚘𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟸𝟶𝟶𝟿   ,   so her birth year is correct mathematically.

𝙱𝙾𝙽𝙽𝙸𝙴 𝙱𝙴𝙽𝙽𝙴𝚃𝚃   ———   𝚏𝚎𝚋𝚛𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝟻   ,   𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟹.

the first time i remember bonnie’s birthday being mentioned is season six’s 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚒 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎.   i do not remember an age being mentioned.   her age does not seem to be mentioned.

𝚃𝚈𝙻𝙴𝚁 𝙻𝙾𝙲𝙺𝚆𝙾𝙾𝙳   ———   𝚏𝚎𝚋𝚛𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝟷𝟶   ,   𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟸  /  𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟹.

tyler has two years given for his birth day.   𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟹 seems to be the date originally placed on his page to match up with the matt   &   bonnie   ,   but the 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟸 year was added after this obituary was shown in the originals’s season four episode 𝚑𝚒𝚐𝚑 𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊 𝚍𝚎𝚟𝚒𝚕’𝚜 𝚍𝚊𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚎𝚛.   this is important because it’s the first time i’ve seen a hard date on tyler’s birthday   &   it adds weight to moving bonnie   &   matt’s birthdays to 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟸 as well.

𝙼𝙰𝚃𝚃 𝙳𝙾𝙽𝙾𝚅𝙰𝙽   ———   𝚏𝚎𝚋𝚛𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝟸𝟼   ,   𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟹.

matt   ,   tyler   ,   &   bonnie all have february birthdays which might be a fun thing for the gang that they celebrate most of their birthdays together   ,   but it just feels like really lazy writing to me.   𝚘𝚑   ,   𝚕𝚎𝚝’𝚜 𝚙𝚞𝚝 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚜𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛’𝚜 𝚋𝚍𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚖𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚑 𝚋𝚌 𝚒 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘 ��𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚎𝚕𝚜𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚏𝚒𝚝 𝚒𝚗.   not exactly the point of this post   ,   but just something i realized while doing more research on this.

𝙹𝙴𝚁𝙴𝙼𝚈 𝙶𝙸𝙻𝙱𝙴𝚁𝚃   ———   𝚘𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟷𝟹   ,   𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟺.

jeremy should either be a freshman or sophomore in high school during season one of vampire diaries.   he’s referred to as elena’s kid brother several times in the first season   ,   implying he should be on the younger side of those two   ,   so i’m going with freshman.   i can’t remember if his grade is ever mentioned at one point   ,   but he’s still in high school during season five   (   when all of our main gang of characters are freshmen at college   ).   so if season five marks our third year of school   ,   jeremy needs to either be a junior or senior in season five   ,   which works.   i think he’s a senior in high school in season six since he’s living with matt   &   still in mystic falls instead of having moved out of town yet   ,   so him being a freshman at the start of the show makes the most sense.

                         𝙾𝙺𝙰𝚈   ,   now that i’ve gotten through that   ,   here’s why these dates can be a problem.

                         virginia law states a child is supposed to start kindergarten if they turn five before 𝚜𝚎𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟹𝟶 of the year they are entering school   ,   but if a parent thinks the child is not ready for school year   (   for any of the reasons listed above   )   they can be exempted but must begin attending school   (   public school   ,   private school   ,   or home school   )   once they turn six   (   upon which grade placement   ———   kindergarten or first grade   ———   will be determined   ).

                         why is this a problem with our story   ?   if our characters started kindergarten at the age of five   ,   then our characters would all be in different grades   ,   as well as not in the grade they are in the show.   for example   ,   elena would have started kindergarten at the age of five in 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟼   ,   putting her as a senior in 𝟸𝟶𝟶𝟿 when our show starts.   so her birthday makes 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕 sense as she’s eighteen in 𝟸𝟶𝟷𝟶   ,   but not 𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 as she’s supposed to be a junior in high school in 𝟸𝟶𝟶𝟿 𝚗𝚘𝚝 a senior.

                         the rest of our gang   ,   caroline’s   ,   bonnie’s   ,   matt’s   ,   &   tyler’s birthdays make 𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕 sense as they are correctly placed as juniors in high school in 𝟸𝟶𝟶𝟿.   as no one but caroline’s ages are ever given   ,   we don’t know if they make mathematical sense.   caroline’s does make mathematical sense   ,   making her the 𝚘𝚗𝚎 character to have a correct birthday that we know of.   jeremy’s birthday is also correct if we place him as a freshman in high school upon the start of the show.   vicki’s birthday   ,   however   ,   would put her two grades above everyone   ,   so she should be a freshman in college at the start of our show but she is shown as a senior in high school   (   or she could have failed a grade   /   been held back a year   ).

                         𝚂𝙾 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚂 𝙼𝙴𝙰𝙽𝚂 the main issue is just elena’s   &   vicki’s birthday.   to fix this we can solve the problem a couple of ways.   as we stated earlier   ,   vicki could have failed a grade or been held back.   the same could have happened to elena.   her parents might of had her start kindergarten a year later than others as it’s been implied they’ve all been in the same grade since elementary school.   or you could simply make elena a year younger   &   instead of turning eighteen in 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚒𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚍𝚊𝚢 she turns seventeen.   another way is that because elena’s is the main character of the show prior to season seven   &   she is one of the only character’s whose age   &   grade are given   ,   we could ignore the state law   &   say in mystic falls all the children normally start at age 𝟼   (   given that’s the 𝙼𝙰𝙽𝙳𝙰𝚃𝙾𝚁𝚈 age   &   not the suggested age one has to start school   ).   in doing so   ,   elena’s birthday becomes correct   ,   as well as vicki’s   ,   &   matt   &   bonnie’s birth years are not shown   &   can either be 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟸 or 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟹   ,   so by aligning their years with tyler’s shown in 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚜   &   placing them in 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟸   ,   they would also be juniors with elena if they started school at the age of 𝟼.   while i personally think making elena younger when we first meet her   &   saying vicki failed a grade is the simplest solution   &    (   i.e.   making her birthday 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟹 instead of 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟸   )   ,   her age was kind of a plot point   (   her being eighteen forever til the whole cure stuff popped up   ).      therefore within what i consider canon of the show   ,   i’ve decided to elect to leave the dates alone   (   minus stating that matt   &   bonnie were also born in 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟸   )   &   go with mystic falls starts kindergarten at age 𝟼.    with how controlled the town is by its small population   &   founding families   ,   i don’t think it’s so far-fetched that they would merely just have their children wait one more year before beginning kindergarten.   maybe they have a nice pre-kindergarten   /   pre-school program that is three years instead of two.

[qualigs]

Introduction

So, as I approach my 69th birthday - and therefore the start of my 70th year - YIKES!!

I have decided that it must not be wasted. Recently I came across a website called "workaway.com" which facilitates the placement of workaways with hosts. It is a fantastic site and the germ of an idea was born.

My plan was to travel to Canada, stay on at least a couple of farms/ranches, where I would work in exchange for food and accommodation.....and combine this with taking the trans Canada train at least partway across Canada. I also intend to spend some time around the Sunshine Coast and with my brother Fraser, who lives out there.

After spending many long hours researching the various options, I sent about 10 emails to prospective hosts, expecting no replies or perhaps a few suggesting that "I was a bit past it for such a venture" and was amazed to find that I had replies from most and all of them were positive and happy to host me with my farming skills. So, how do I choose???

I'm a bit impetuous (who, me??) and impatient once I get started. Sense might have said to wait til the summer and spend the summer months on these ranches/farms, but I wanted to get going and genuinely wanted to work with animals more than anything and experience the winters in Canada.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I have now arranged to fly out mid-January to Vancouver via Toronto and then on to Prince George where I will be met for my 1st farm in Vanderhoof. Then towards the end of February, I will fly from Prince George to Edmonton where I will be met by my 2nd hosts who farm in Red Deer, Alberta. On both these farms I will help with lambing primarily, but all jobs which need to be done.

My plan then is to take the train from Edmonton to Toronto (3 days living on the train) before flying back home for Easter. (Good Friday 10th April). Unfortunately I will not have much time to see Fraser (apart from a stop-over in Vancouver) or explore the Sunshine Coast this trip.....but I already have the germ of an idea to maybe return in Autumn to put this right. We’ll see.

I hope to update this blog regularly and include some pics but it will depend on the internet out there......

[doomednarrative]

2018: A (Personal) Year in Review

I put off writing in general so much, but I’ve put off this particular post long enough. 

And no, this isn’t about the general world or the country. It’s about my personal life, and it’s mainly a vent/personal rambling post, so I’ll put under a read more. If you don’t care to read it, that’s totally fine. 

But anyways. Here we go: 

2018 was...a fuckin ride, to put it in simplest terms. 

For those who are new and unaware, lemme briefly bring you up to speed about the end of 2017 for me, cause it’s important to the context of this entire thing:

December 17th of 2017, when I was on my third day home for Christmas break from college, I packed a backpack, and I left my dad and stepmom’s house for good. 

Their house had been abusive for years, and my mental health was in the absolute tank in college. I was feeling casually suicidal and had a full on breakdown about having to come home for winter break. After a fight I got into that night with my stepmom after she found me texting some friends on Discord (which I wasn’t supposed to have, even tho I was almost 19 and an adult at the time,) she got Pissed, and so did I. I had finally had a group of friends who supported me and helped me out so much, and I didn’t want to loose them. And I couldn’t stand the abuse, the treatment of me like I was a child with no privacy or personal autonomy, the constant pushing for me to date my one long time friend and to be straight, or my parent’s inability to accept me as their son and not their daughter any longer. 

I was given a choice, and told if I decided to leave, I wasn’t welcome back. A few months before, my best friend had said that their parents had a safe space for me to go if I ever needed it. They had been aware of how bad some things had been with my parents and feared for the worst, so they offered me a home if it came down to that. And that night, it came down to that choice. 

I packed one backpack of stuff I was allowed to bring (solely because it was stuff I bought) and I walked to my friends mom’s house, and by the next morning, I was at her dad’s house, safe and sound. 

2018 became the year of learning how to be an adult in a house that treated me as one, and in a house that didn’t put my personal safety and mental health in danger. 

2018 was...well, it was simultaneously the worst and best year of my life. 

Early on, I could tell my parents weren’t going to let my off easy for leaving. My mom wasn’t a problem, she had been out of my life for almost two years at that point, and hadn’t attempted to make contact with me for a long time. 

But my dad and my stepmom? Oh, they were determined to make my life as bas as they could while not being physically around me. 

First thing they did? They tried to take all of my possessions from my dorm at college without my knowledge, because they thought that They owned that stuff. I only found this out because I called the college to formally drop out and ask when I could pick up my stuff, and they informed me my parents were already planning on picking up my stuff for me. 

Me and my now adoptive parents ended up making an impromptu trip, four hours up and four hours back, that night to my college campus to make sure that I could get my possessions before they could. And we were successful.

Next thing my dad did to screw me over after moving out? 

That bastard stole about 700$ from a joint bank account I had with him to use for college. That was money I earned from about 7 months of work at my summer food truck job. And he took it because he legally could since it was a joint account, and didn’t tell me. i found out when I went into the bank to withdraw that money and open a separate account. 

So I was starting off the year with already some setbacks. 

Thankfully, I Was able to replace my birth certificate and social security card relatively easily, so that was in my favor at least. 

Then, come my birthday on January 26 last year, I got a letter. Two letters to be specific. One from my stepmom, and one from my dad. 

Both were full of manipulation and guilt tripping language and just. Gaslighting and more emotional abuse. They had somehow gotten my address from when I had set up my separate bank account and changed my information in the bank system.  And they decided to send me abusive shit as a birthday present. 

I’m not gonna lie, it hurt a lot. 

They continued to try to do stuff like that. They called me multiple times from different numbers, they called police on my adoptive family to say that I was crazy and that my parents were like. concerned for my safety because i had blocked their phone numbers after the first two phone calls. They texted me from different numbers, just. A lot of different bullshit. 

February was the first time I saw my dad since leaving. I had gone to a screening of Love Simon, as it was really important to me, and somehow thru some stalkery methods, he knew i was there and he confronted me in the theater lobby after the film. (When I asked how he found me there, his answer was ‘I have my ways.’ I never posted about this encounter when it originally happened.)

He proceeded to be transphobic to me in public, demeaning me and humiliating me in front of everyone in the theater, told me I was the reason my siblings were now in therapy (which is a lie, my brother was already in therapy for anxiety long before I left), calling me crazy, telling my adoptive mother that I “needed help” and that “she’ll outstay her welcome.” He said a lot of awful things, and eventually I left the theatre in tears after screaming at him that I was his son and that this shit was why I left in the first place, and that he should go fuck himself.

Thankfully, I didn’t see him for months afterword, not til october, right before I left my retail job that he and my stepmom found out I worked at. I saw my stepmom three times at that job, once with my siblings (which is the only time I’ve seen them since leaving and that was. Very hard to deal with and a very emotional time), and twice without my siblings. The times she came without them, she was an absolute fucking asshole to me, still spewing her abusive rhetoric about how I was in the wrong for leaving, and how my father did nothing wrong when he saw me in February. 

She and my father only left me alone after I told them that I would not get into an argument while I was on the clock, and that if they didn’t leave I’d call the store security guard. 

After that, they haven’t done anything else. Yet. We’ll see what 2019 holds. 

But, aside from the bullshit with my parents, 2018 had its other ups and downs. More ups than downs, but it still had it’s rough moments. 

I got a job in early May as a sales associate/cashier/fitting room attendant for a well known Coat Factory chain store. 

That job was pure fuckin hell, and I’m glad I don’t work there anymore. The last week that I was supposed to work there before leaving for my new job, I got pulled into the side office by the manager on duty (she wasn’t an actual manager, she just had closing priviledges) and she Screamed at me about how a customer complained about me, she hated me, my coworkers all hated me, all three of my managers hated me, and how she was tired of my attitude and how she couldn’t wait til I was fuckin gone. The whole issue that night had started because of her and how she couldn’t properly communicate to me where she wanted me to be that night and what duties she wanted me handling. She took out her frusteration at her own mistakes on me, and I had had enough. I stood my ground with her and didn’t let her walk all over me, but I went home that night, bawled for about two hours because being yelled at is a trigger for me, and she had been all in my personal space like she was going to hit me, and then I emailed my general manager the next day and told her she could replace me for my last two shifts and I wouldn’t be coming in for them. 

I haven’t stepped foot in that goddamned store since I left that night. 

I have a different job now. I work as an overnight personal care assistant at a nursing home, but it’s a higher end one, and it’s not bad. It can be stressful and super draining at times, but enviornmentally its a better job than the retail one ever was, so it’s good. 

My mental health has been a wild ride as well. I won’t get into the full details here, but let just say that uh. I’m 99% sure that I’m both ADHD and autistic, and I’m thinking I have some form of ptsd as well from years of trauma shit. I’m not suicidal anymore, but I have bouts of depression and anxiety and sometimes anger that last for days to weeks at a time. It’s...rough, to say the least. And dysphoria doesn’t help any of that. 

But I’m alive and fighting, and that’s the important part. 

Not everything this year has been bad tho. There’s been a fair amount of good too, and I’m greatful for it. 

December 23rd I celebrated my first year aniversary with @curious-corvids, and i couldn’t be happier about that. He’s been there thru this Entire ride, and he’s been such a positive force in my life, and I hope to keep him around for years to come. 

Similarly, March 18th this year will be my one year aniversary with @sinclair-solutions, and that I’m immensely happy about as well. They’re such a wonderful person and just. i’m very lucky to have them, I really am. they’ve also been here thru everything, and I could never thank then enough for that. 

I made some friends in the past few months that I can’t imagine what my days would be like without them in it. Kathy, Jay, Fi, and Evan are such great people, and I’m lucky to have them around. 

I got the chance to meet Ren, Lu and Erin in person for the first time at DragonCon, and went to both my first comic convention and my first out of state trip alone with them, and it was honestly the best five days of my life. I can’t wait to do that again with them this year. 

I’ve been steadily improving at art this year and took commissions for the first time, and that’s been a very fun thing to do. 

I’m actually able to like. Afford to buy things for myself and spend my money without interferance, and thats such a change from how my parents used to control my finances. 

Overall 2018 was just..a wild ride. 

2019 is sure to bring better things. With luck this month, I should be starting the process of legally changing my name, and that will be a very freeing thing to do. 

I turn 20 on January 26th, and just. 

I didn’t think I’d actually make it to 20. That’s a personal milestone for me, to have made it this far. 

Whatever this new year brings tho, here’s to hoping it goes better than 2018. 

Here’s to hoping I’m better this year than I was last year. 

[streetcornertwoam]

I turned 29 today...how is that possible?

So it’s my birthday today, hooray? 

Over the past several years I’ve gradually gotten less and less excited for this day...and today not really an exception. It’s just...weird

It’s been a real chill day. Slept til 12:30...which is pretty normal for every other day so y’know...ha

I did get my jacksepticeye February charity pin today though!!! So that was super exciting. 

My niece and nephew were over yesterday, so I got their presents (they each painted a ‘K’ for me since my nickname is ‘KK’. Pretty cute stuff. And my sister got me a Thirteenth Doctor pop figure....also super cute)

I’ll have to wait to see my other nephew, ‘cause I guess he’s getting over having the flu :( Which is definitely disappointing since it’s spring break so I’m not having to babysit him ‘cause his dad is a teacher and is also off from school...so it’s always weird when I go for long periods of time without seeing him. And I know he’s bummed he isn’t getting to see me today, which makes me even sadder.

On more positive notes...I’m getting my new computer tomorrow! Which will be so fucking bizarre. Since the computer I have now, and am currently using I’ve probably had for like...close to 10 years. It’s old, and it’s starting to show it...ha. So that’s fun.

And my sister is also going to take me to get my hair done on Saturday, so that’s....exciting? It needs done, it needs cut badly...but I’m always so fucking nervous anytime I get my hair done. But not only is it getting cut...I’m getting it dyed. And I’m doing it a fun color, which I’ve never ever done before. The “wildest” I ever did was the few times I tried red, which looked great...but didn’t last very long. This time I’m doing a dark purple. So here’s to hoping it turns out ok...haha.

Anyway...just felt like getting some thoughts out, and whatever. Now I think I’ll just listen to some MBMBAM, and then later watch Jacob and Julia’s (of Drawfee) twitch stream. I also FINALLY got the new Spiderman movie!! Got it as a present from my mama ♥ So maybe I’ll watch that tonight, too? I don’t know. But I’m excited that I can finally see it.

So I think that’ll be it for now from me. 

Next year though....dirty 30 babyyyyyyy. (I say now knowing full well I still won’t do a fucking thing to celebrate it ajkl;df)

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I don’t know what to do. I think I might be falling in love, if that’s even possible. I’d given up on love. I mean, does it truly exist? Forever? My life experience tells me it doesn’t and yet, here I am. I’m gonna call him J, but I promise he’s not the same J from my previous letter to you. So please don’t get them confused. And I’m sorry that I’m writing a novel, but there’s just so much to say. I hope you read this. I hope someone understands.

I met J at my birthday party back in February (it was a combined party with my best friend A). I didn’t have much interest in J at the time. Sure, he was nice enough and we chatted a little. He took some pictures for me with the photo booth props, too. So that was cool. But I was too obsessed with the fact that the previous J hadn’t shown up at the party to even truly notice him. (Pathetic, right?) Also, he ended up getting really sick and was throwing up in the only bathroom for HOURS. I really had to pee, so needless to say I wasn’t too happy with him at the time.

Anyway, we added each other on Facebook and I donated a little bit to his graduate research project (I felt obligated to after A directly asked me). I saw him again over 2 months letter at A and C’s wedding. (J is best friends with C and I’m best friends with A.) I was the maid of honor and he was the best man. That’s when everything really started.

A and C got married on a farm and it’d been raining for a few days prior to the wedding so the ground was still pretty muddy in some parts. J said he’d carry me if needed. I told him I’d be fine. Well, we were walking down there (along with R, the man of honor), when we came to a big mud puddle and some really wet grass just beyond it. So, like he said he would, J picked me up and carried me over it until we found dry grass again. At first, I felt a little awkward with him picking me up so I didn’t ask for him to carry me again when the grass was getting wet later.

After the ceremony, we stopped for pictures by the lake. J wanted pictures of me and him, so we did. To my surprise, he randomly picked me up! I was giggling the whole time, partly because I wasn’t expecting it. But, to be perfectly honest, those turned out to be two of my favorite pictures.

When we were done with pictures, J lingered behind with me. He waited for everyone to get in front of us and told me to get on his back so he could carry me back without me stepping in the mud or wet grass. He said he didn’t want anyone to see my undergarments if they were behind me.

Eventually, we left the farm to go to the bar for the reception. J happened to be parked right behind me and asked if he could follow me there. I said that was fine. He ended up turning off the highway with some other people from the wedding and got there before me. (I only knew the longer way because I’d never come from that direction before.)

At the bar is where we really started to hit it off. And how fitting is that? A and C met at that bar, which is why their reception was there. J bought me a drink instantly and we started talking. J seemed very interested in what I had to say and it was so easy to talk to him. It’s hard for me to find people I feel comfortable with like that. I’m very shy. I think it helped that no one else I knew had arrived yet. If they had, I don’t think I would have spent so much time with J. It especially helped that R took so long to show up. Because even though A and C were eventually there, I didn’t want to be a leech around the newly wed couple.

I don’t even remember everything J and I talked about. There were so many different topics. I recall some of them, but I don’t think it’s necessary for me to list them here. You get the idea. At one point, C’s sister yelled at J to stop flirting with me, which embarrassed me so I went over next to A for a bit. Eventually, J and I found each other again and resumed our conversation.

Later, J, R and I were playing pool. J kept coaching me to tell me what shots I should take. He said he wasn’t going to stop playing til me and him had a chance to play each other (we both kept losing against R). Finally, I beat R on a technicality and so J and I played against each other. Despite this, J was still coaching me on what shots to take. It was a close game, but I got the 8 ball in first so I won. Oh, and at one point while I was playing against R, my hair kept getting in my face. R suggested I braid it and offered to do it, but I said I could do it myself. I was standing next to J and trying to braid it and commented that I was harder to separate because of the curls. So, J offered to braid it for me. I hesitated because I’d just told R no, but I kinda wanted J to do it so I let him. He even got a hair tie from A to hold it together (since he couldn’t find one in his camera bag). Is it lame that I cherish that hair tie? I haven’t returned it to A and I use it almost daily because it reminds me of J.

J and I spent pretty much the entire reception together. At one point when J was outside smoking and I went inside, R commented that I like J and I tried to deny it, but I was blushing as he said it. I told R I just came in because my stomach was hurting and he teased me about butterflies.

Later on, R, J, and I were sitting together. I was next to J and R was across from us. Somehow, R got ahold of my phone and started sneaking pictures of me and J. Some turned out kinda good. R caught one of me glaring at J while we were looking at pictures on his phone because he’d taken a bad one of me and J was smiling his adorable crooked smile. R also caught one of me looking at J’s phone and smiling (J was showing a hint of a smile, too). Then, we noticed R taking pictures so we posed for some. I wonder if R knows how much those pictures mean to me… probably. He did guess pretty quickly how I feel about J…

Eventually, we left. I don’t know exactly how long later, but maybe about a week later, A asked me what I thought of J. I was embarrassed to say I liked him (he has a girlfriend). I didn’t want her to think I was trying to steal him from her (which I’m not. I want them to break up naturally and then get my chance after some time has passed). Well, A mentioned that J had been talking about me a lot, especially about how cute I am. She wanted to know if I thought J was hot. I wouldn’t answer at first, but finally admitted he’s attractive. I think she could tell I liked him, but she wasn’t going to say for sure. She said she was neutral in this, comparing herself to Switzerland.

More time passed. J came into my classroom to do science experiments with my students and answer some of their science questions (he offered to do this at the reception). He even suggested the kids write letters to him with their questions before he came in, so they did. The kids LOVED having J there. I loved having J there. It was so amazing watching him with my students. He was incredibly patient with him. He did an excellent job of breaking down things so they could understand and re-explaining it to them if needed. J said that he’d love to come into my classroom again and that next year we should make it a regular thing. (Off topic, but I also learned that J is color blind and that he likes the color yellow best because he can actually see it… how perfect is it that my hair is blonde? I’m also trying to buy yellow clothes now…even though I hate the way yellow looks on me because I know he loves it.)

J stayed til the kids went home at 12 (I only work part time). Then, we went out to lunch at Panera. I wanted to pay for J’s food as a thank you for coming to my classroom, but J refused. He insisted on paying for both of us, saying that he’s weird about letting girls pay. I thought about that little detail for DAYS afterward, wondering if it meant this was a date and wondering if it meant he liked me, too. But, A later insisted that J is just old-fashioned that way and that it probably didn’t mean anything.

While at Panera, J sat across from me. He looked deep into my eyes the entire time that we talked. I could tell he was incredibly interested in everything I had to say, which was refreshing. I’m not used to that sort of thing. I don’t think I’ve ever been with a guy that made as much eye contact with me as he does. It was like he couldn’t get enough of me. He even noticed when I was looking over his shoulder at the woman sitting at the table behind him. He turned around to see what I was looking at. I explained that I thought it was my old professor. He convinced me to say hi.

It was her and we chatted for a bit. How crazy is it that she was my teach science professor in college and J had just finished doing science experiments with my students? Anyway, I digress. She isn’t the main part of this tale.

Eventually, J had to leave so he could get to class. We walked outside together and I tried to convince him to come on a trip with me and A later that month to visit C in Virginia (he’s in the Navy). I pretty much begged J to come. J said he’d try his best. We hugged goodbye. It was a pretty long embrace and I didn’t want it to end. But I knew he had to get to class. He was probably already going to be late as it was. I obsessed for days (maybe longer) over if J liked me or not. The signs were there, but I thought maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see, you know?

Anyway, J wasn’t able to come on the trip with us. He had summer classes he had to go to. But, while on the trip, I texted him some. There was one night in particular where I was worn out from a long day of interacting with people I don’t know (I’m such an introvert) and I was tired and hungry. I also had to drive the rental back to the hotel. The seat wasn’t powered so I couldn’t adjust it enough to see out of it very well (I’m incredibly short). Also, the roads were confusing as fuck. C tried to direct me, but would either give me the wrong directions or I’d miss a turn because of the confusing roads. I couldn’t see to check my blind spots so A and C had to tell me when it was safe to switch lanes/merge. I couldn’t even park when we got to the hotel because too much of the windshield was blocked where I needed to see. When I finally made it to my hotel room (alone), I instantly started crying. I texted J telling him what was going on and he said it sounded like I needed some sleep. I asked him what was wrong with me and he said nothing that he knew of, other than me needing sleep. I calmed down within a few minutes and made my way to A and C’s room so we could eat dinner.

Well, fast forward some. I kind of backed off of J a bit. He wasn’t replying much and I knew he was in a relationship so I figured he wasn’t interested and I didn’t want to push too hard. (Plus my friend D told me to play hard to get and let J chase me.) Anyway, earlier this week the previous J messaged me. We talked for a while and he admitted why he’d stopped talking to me. The details of this aren’t that important, but basically I was considering doing something stupid with him because he said he’d marry me if I was pregnant. And it’s not that I really like him anymore, I just don’t want to be alone and it’d make things easy. Plus, if love doesn’t really exist anyway, why does it matter? But I also knew it went against my morals and that I’d hate myself. I was really struggling with it and texted J saying that I needed to talk if he had some time. It was pretty late and he didn’t respond til the next day. He asked if I was okay and I told him no. So he asked what was wrong, but I said it was too much to explain over text. He said he’d call me later.

He eventually did and then I felt so silly as I was explaining everything. Because I know it’s stupid. I know I shouldn’t do it. But I told him because he is the only one that could talk me out of it. I needed to find out if there was any hope of me and him ever being together because if there was then I wouldn’t do it. But, if not, then I probably would even though it’s a horrible idea. I didn’t explain that reasoning to J at the time, though. I pretty much just told him that I was scared to be alone and that the previous J is the only guy I never dissociated with during sex and what if he’s always the only one?

Then, I mentioned how I only ever like jerks or guys I can’t have. J asked why I can’t have them. I said because they’re unavailable and he said no one is ever completely unavailable, even if they’re in a relationship and that I need to go after what I want. I need to sell myself, like a car. People shop for cars all the time, even when they already have a car. I said that I didn’t want to ruin a friendship by saying anything. J said that if admitting that ruined a friendship, then the person was never really my friend to begin with. He also said that he’s only with his girlfriend for financial security and that she knows that. He’s told her that it’ll end with them breaking up and hating each other.

He had to get back to class, but told me to follow my heart. He asked if I wanted him to call me later and I said I’d like that so he said he would. Then he said he had to go because his professor was yelling at him to get off the phone.

He didn’t call me back til after midnight. His class was a wine tasting class and he was out late with everyone tasting wine. We ended up talking on the phone for almost two and a half hours! I told myself that if he called me back, I’d tell him I like him. So, I did, but it was a lot harder than I thought. J told me he already knew I liked him. I asked him if he liked me. He asked what I think and I said I didn’t know. He said yes, and that it was obvious because he came into my classroom and lunch at Panera and all that. I said I didn’t know if I was just seeing what I wanted to see.

J admitted so much to me on the phone. He said he could tell from the night at the reception that I was looking at him and wondering if he could be the one. He says he knows he could be exactly what I need. And he perfectly explained everything I’m looking for, things I didn’t even know I still wanted because I’d convinced myself long ago that it didn’t exist. He said that if he didn’t need to be with his girlfriend for financial reasons right now, I’d already have a ring (and a rock) on my finger. That really caught me off guard, considering the wedding was less than 3 months ago. I asked if he really meant that and he asked if he would have said it if he didn’t. He’s incredibly blunt and I know that he wouldn’t ever say something he doesn’t mean, so I believe him.

But I’m also confused because he gave me mixed signals… He said later that he doesn’t think he will ever be happy. That he honestly hates himself (I’m the ONLY one he’s ever told that) and that if we kissed, he’d feel emptiness. I told him he can’t know that for sure because we’ve never kissed. He said to prove him wrong the next time I see him. I told him I won’t kiss him if I smell smoke on his breath (he knows I hate smoking). He said he knew and I asked if he’d quit smoking to kiss me and J said he’d do a lot of things if it meant he could kiss me. I tried to ask him what those things were, but he wouldn’t tell me.

The conversation ended with J explaining he had a paper to write and an exam to study for and that I wouldn’t hear from him for a little over a week. But, that Monday (June 25), he’d text me at 12:05, right after his exam and that he might even see me. I told him I’d be on vacation, but he said he’d still talk to me. He told me in the mean time to think about what I want in life and figure it all out.

Well, I already did. I wrote down everything. And ultimately, I want him. Even if it means money is tight for a while (he’ll be pursuing his PhD). Even if it means I have to stay living with my parents until we are married. I don’t care. Because money won’t be tight forever. Because he makes me happy. Because he’s giving me hope about love again. Because I truly believe he could be the one. Because I’ve never felt this way before about anyone. Because if things don’t work out with him, I’m never seeking “true love” again. I’ll either be alone forever (which scares me) or I’ll settle. But I have to pursue this. And he pretty much told me to. He told me to follow my heart. He told me to go after what I want. So that’s what I’m going to do. Am I bad person for doing that? He’s only with his girlfriend for money… Is it really so wrong for me to pursue him?

I’m falling for him. That much I know is certain. God, I hope this works out. I need him.

Thanks for listening to my novel.

Love Always,

A Friend

[looselucy]

February

Somehow, I had grown accustom to seeing Harry’s face when I awoke over those past few days. It was familiar, even comforting, in a strange way. Since Monday, every day that I had woken, Harry had been there too. Waking up without him there, was rubbish. And fuck, I felt awful.

Memories of the evening before slipped easily back into my mind, and I cringed right away. One, because of the whole drug thing, which was so out of character for me I could barely believe it. I didn’t regret it or anything, it was just weird. I then thought about the near kiss between myself and Harry. I wasn’t even sure it could count as a near kiss. What it was, I decided, was Harry being the lad he was. He hadn’t wanted to kiss me, he just wanted to know that I would kiss him. He just wanted to fuel his ego. Of course he did. It was fucking Harry for god sake. I might have had a slight change of heart towards him over the week we had spent in his hometown, but he remained the same boy I knew at university. The worst part, for me, was that it had worked. I was so in that moment. If Harry had opted to close that gap between us, then I would have kissed him, and I would have kissed him hard. God knows why, but I would have. No doubt in my mind. But during the aftermath, I felt completely ridiculous. Especially waking up and seeing he wasn’t even there with me. “Just don’t mention it.” I whispered to myself. “Just pretend none of it ever happened. Don’t even give him the satisfaction.” I got out of bed with an ache in my back and my head, cursing to myself, still my outfit from the night before, which I figured needed to change pretty quickly. I went over to my suitcase on the floor near the window and routed for the most comfortable looking thing I could find, settling on some fluffy pants and a long-sleeved crop-top. I got changed in a hurry, and then opened Harry’s bedroom door, cautiously sticking my head out of the gap, hearing a sizzling sound coming from downstairs. It was time to face the music. I tried to act as confidently as I physically could as I walked down to him and into the kitchen, acting completely nonchalant, but internally, I was freaking out. I had never been good at acting normal in such situations, not that anything like that had ever presented itself before. Even so, I knew I would be no good at dealing with it. Harry was stood facing the oven, as sausages sizzled on the hob. A jumper he had worn whenever we were in his home relaxing over the week had been carelessly abandoned next to the sink, leaving his torso completely on show, butterfly tattoo and all. It was like he did it on purpose. He probably did. “Mornin’.” I was proud of myself for speaking first. Very proud. He whipped his head around, smiling like an idiot. “Hey!” He chirped. “I was gunna bring you breakfast in bed.” “I’m terrible at eating on a hangover.” I complained, sitting down. “This isn’t a hangover though, this is a comedown. And trust me, you’re gunna appreciate this sausage butty more than you’ve ever appreciated any meal in your life.” It would seem, Harry was choosing to ignore the evening before, too. I guess I was happy with that. Not acknowledging whatever the hell had happened between us that night was much easier than admitting it. Harry probably had a great sense of achievement thanks to the fact I had caved to him so easily, that’s probably why he was in such a good mood. But as long as he didn’t mention it, that was okay. I guess. Maybe not. I didn’t know. My head was a mess, but I was more than willing to pretend it wasn’t. “You sure? I’ve gone the whole week without throwing up and I don’t want to do it now. We’re heading back tomorrow and I’m really proud that I’ve managed.” “You won’t vomit, I promise.” He chuckled. “And if you do I’m going to take is as a personal offense.” “Okay.” Harry moved to the tall cupboard next to him and grabbed out a loaf of bed and threw it to me, before going into the fridge and getting butter and ketchup out, throwing them too. Thankfully, I caught everything. “Will you butter some bread?” “I should have stayed in bed.” I sighed, grabbing the loaf. “You should.” He laughed, going back to the sausages. “Can you grab the mayonnaise?” I asked. “Mayo on a sausage butty? You’re sick in the head, woman!” “Don’t knock it til you try it.” I told him. Our teamwork was perfect. As soon as Harry was done with the hob, the bread had been buttered and I had gotten out two plates, and grabbed the mayo myself since Harry was so disgusted with the mere idea of it. Although there were four seat option, Harry plonked himself on the chair right next to me as we tucked in, his tense arm brushing against mine, my eyes wandering down to his body for a brief second before I went back to my food, trying to ignore his tan and his frame and that bloody tattoo, which I had once thought was a mess, and I now thought was ridiculously nice. “How you feeling?” He asked. “I just feel exhausted.” I said after swallowing a bite. “I think I was so awake and eager last night after taking the... stuff... it’s taken all of today’s energy out of me.” “So innocent, Pip-Squeak.” He mocked. “Fuck off.” I rolled my eyes. I felt this sudden urge to say something about what happened. Don’t ask me why. There isn’t a logical explanation as to why on earth I would ever want to bring up Harry rejecting me in the way he had. It was one of the rashest and most misguided ideas that had ever entered my stupid little mind, so I just kept my idiotic mouth shut on the matter. I mentioned something else, quickly. “What’s your tattoo about?” Still chewing, he looked down to the bug on his stomach like he had to look at it to remember what it was, what it meant to him, why he had gotten the creature scarred to his skin for the rest of his life. He took a deep breath in, but then just shrugged. “It’s just a butterfly.” I felt like he was lying, which I found a little bizarre since we had been so open with each other all week, but maybe the butterfly meant more to him than just a story, more to him than something he could just utter out in one sentence. Maybe it was too much, maybe the feeling was too much, the sentiment was too much. Then again, maybe it was just a butterfly. “Do you want more?” I asked him, still eating as he finished up. “Maybe. I’m not sure yet. Worries me a little, with jobs and everything.” “But you want to be a photographer?” “Yeah well, I’m a realist. It’s what I want to do, but that might not be how things pan out. It’s risky, innit?” “Well, let that be your drive. Cover yourself in as many tattoos as you fucking want so your only option is to do exactly what you want. Be you. Do your thing.” “Easy to say that.” He huffed. “Not as simple when it comes down to it. What do you wanna be, anyway?” “When I grow up?” I gulped, nervous about even the idea of it. “When you’re older. You’re already grown up.” He smiled, looking down to me. “In a couple of years, you’re going to laugh at yourself, for thinking eighteen is grown up.” “Are you trying to avoid the question?” He smirked. “When’s your birthday?” “You’re trying to avoid the question.” “So are you.” By that point we were staring into one another’s eyes so intensely, like this little fuelled conversation was a competition and I wanted to win. I also really didn’t want to talk about my future plans, since the whole thing was a blur. “My birthdays on March the third.” He bit quickly. “Are you kidding?” I gawped. “No. What about that was funny?” “That’s my birthday!” I yelped. “Are you serious?” His eyes went wide. “I’m deadly serious!” “What the fuck!” We were both so impressed by the benign fact for some reason, but it just felt so strange, because during the past week, we had realised how weirdly similar we were, and that was just another thing on the list of oddities. Suddenly I grinned wide. “We’re gunna have the best party ever.” I said proudly. “Damn right.” Harry grinned and looked me up and down, before getting to his feet again, clearing up our plates and taking them over to the dishwasher, seeing it was full to the brim. Harry was very displeased that he would have to wash them by hand. “So, what do you want to do when you’re older?” He refused to drop it. “Honestly?” “No, lie to me. Of course honestly, you idiot.” “I don’t know what I want to do.” “What about photography?” He said, running some water. “I’ve spent almost a year trying to just forget about photography altogether.” “Why?” “I just don’t want to let my family down. My mum and dad would be so disappointed if I did anything like that.” “I don’t think they would.” He sighed. I hated discussing it. I knew I needed to grow up and just get over it, but the whole topic just made me so uncomfortable. It wasn’t even worth discussing. It was done. “You’ve never even met my parents, Harry.” “No, I know, but… I just think they didn’t want you to study it an uni because they worry about you. It’s hardly a fall-back subject, is it? They probably wanted you to do something a little more… sturdy, if that makes sense. I don’t think it means they don’t want you to take photos full stop.” Harry didn’t know my parents. Harry hadn’t heard the discouraging words. Harry hadn’t seen the disappointment in their eyes or heard the doubt in their voices. Bless him, for trying, but there was no point. He turned around, waiting for an answer, but I couldn’t give him one. I just shrugged. One of the things I liked about Harry, was that he knew not to push it. He might have tried to get me to talk about something I was clearly not all that happy talking about, but he wasn’t about to force the conversation down my throat until I was choking on it. He knew I was done. So he didn’t say anything else about it. Instead, he let out a little chuckle, and said, “I can’t believe we have the same birthday.” + + + It’s impossible to feel wide awake on a Sunday. You could have had the best night’s sleep ever, it doesn’t matter. On a Sunday, you’re bound to be completely worn out. It doesn’t matter the circumstances. Sunday’s are made for being exhausted. It was barely 6pm, and Harry was nodding off, stretched out on the opposite sofa to me in his living room. He had the jumper he had abandoned earlier now loose on his body, denim shorts on, and thick, fluffy socks. He was stretched across the whole thing, and I couldn’t help but watch as his eyes kept dropping shut, trying his best to watch the tele but absolutely failing. A couple of minutes later, he was done, his eyes not opening anymore. I smiled, because he seemed so peaceful. I wondered, for a moment, if we would go back to uni and not be so close anymore, if he would annoy me again. I couldn’t imagine it, it was just seeing him at home felt so different. All week, it hadn’t mattered that I was there. He had been completely at home, completely relaxed, a sense of tranquillity and serenity. It wasn’t like he had a guest there. I was glad of that. It’s not like he changed, it wasn’t like he wasn’t himself at university or anything like that, he just wasn’t quite the same. He wasn’t quite so at home. I liked Harry at home. I hoped I would like Harry back at uni, too. I was sure I would. I heard the front door open around half an hour later, and Kev cautiously poked his head through the door, like he already knew Harry was asleep. Maybe he had spotted him through the window, or maybe it was just fatherly instinct. “Hi.” He whispered. “We’re going to put the kettle on and order a Chinese. You want some?” “I’d love some.” I whispered back, rising to my feet. I quietly exited the room, shutting the door behind myself and following Kev into the kitchen, where Ben was routing through a kitchen drawer completely dedicated to takeaway menus. We had one similar in my family home. Kev went over to the kettle as Ben ushered me round to him, setting out the menus for the local Chinese takeaways. “Which do you think looks best?” He asked. “I honestly don’t mind.” I said, looking over his shoulder. We were still whispering, for some bizarre reason. We had shut the door in the living room and the door leading to the kitchen, but we were still being as quiet as we physically could, just to be careful. “We’re just going to get a mixture of things and share, is that okay with you?” “Best way to do it.” I replied. Ben grabbed the most tattered looking menu and swayed off into the extension room at the back of the house, his phone already in his hand. I figured it was the most trustworthy takeaway we had as an option, due to the state of the menu he had taken with him, and I was looking forward to sitting down and eating with them all again. “How’s your day been?” Kev asked, not opting to whisper. “Quiet. Nice though, relaxing.” I raised my tone a little too. “You looking forward to getting back to uni?” “Mixed emotions.” I confirmed. “Looking forward to seeing everyone and being back in that atmosphere, but I’ve really enjoyed my time here. I honestly don’t know how to thank you enough.” “Don’t mention it.” He wafted his hand as the kettle clicked. “I can’t blame you for not wanting to be at home at a time like this. Besides, it’s been a pleasure to have you here. You’re an ideal house guest.” I was awe of that fact he thought that. Kev wasn’t the type to bullshit anyone, and if I had been a pain in the arse to have around he would have just brushed it off, not saying anything more about it. I was flattered he had chosen to say that, and happy he felt that way. He made the drinks, including one for Harry, just in case he awoke, as Ben walked back into the kitchen, collecting all the menus and tucking them back into the drawer. “I just ordered pretty much everything on the menu. I’m starved. They also had tubs of ice-cream so I got those too, as a treat, since you’re leaving tomorrow.” “You’re making me want to stay forever.” I snickered. Kev placed the mug down in front of me and then sat himself down, Ben routing through some more cupboards and drawers for something or other. “I have a question for you.” Kev breathed. “Me?” I gawped. “Yeah.” “Okay.” I swallowed. “How have things been with you and Harry? I know you weren’t on the best of terms when you got here, and I was wondering if you’re better now, or if you’ve just... coped with one another?” How was I supposed to explain what had gone on with me and Harry in just under a week? How was I supposed to word any of it? We hadn’t coped with one another. Nor had we simply become friends. We had bonded. We had shared and spilled and completely opened up. We had gone from hating and ignoring our similarities, to loving them and wanting to find more. In every single way possible, we had grown together, and discovered things, to the point where I couldn’t believe there had ever been a stage where we didn’t get on. That made no sense whatsoever. I didn’t know how to explain that. I cleared my throat, not able to look at either of them as they leaned closer, eagerly awaiting my response. “I... I think your son is an amazing person. A credit, to both of you. I don’t really know what else to say. He’s amazing. I can see our... friendship… lasting now. I haven’t just coped with him… I-I’ve loved spending time with him.” Kev grinned, clearly happy for me, and Harry. Whereas Ben looked like he was about to burst into tears, so overwhelmed by the compliments I had just given to his son, and him, and his husband. I couldn’t imagine that feeling. I wondered how intense it was when they had taken Harry in just before he turned eight; suddenly having a child who already had a name and a personality, who already had a life shaped for himself, but a life that was dark. It was a complete credit, how Harry had turned out, Harry’s entire outlook on life. They were the people to thank for that. “Don’t get upset.” Kev said to Ben with a pout. “I know, I’m sorry, I’m just so proud of him. I worry about him so much, Pippa. When you got here and said you weren’t getting on... Well, we all know he can be a little arrogant at times, but I was so worried he’d gone off and become a complete twat. I’m so, so grateful that’s not true. He’s my son, you know? I’m just so proud of him.” “You should be.” I nodded. Kev got up to his feet and wrapped an arm around Ben, tucking him into his firm body as Ben tried really hard not to cry, frustrated that he had ended up in that state. But it was nice, seeing them so overwhelmed with pride. They should have been. Harry had an awful start to life, but you would never know. He spoke so highly of the two of them, so fondly, he barely even associated himself with the woman who had given birth to him. It was lovely. “Thank you, Pippa.” Ben finally spoke, once he was composed. “I feel so much better. Thank you.” “I’m just being honest.” Ben pulled himself together, rolling his shoulders and then going back to routing through the drawers, still searching for something, trying to pretend he hadn’t gotten so upset. That’s when I realised I was genuinely going to miss them. I was going to miss spending time with them in their home. “It’s been nice to meet you.” He choked again. “If you’re an example of the people he’s friends with at university then that’s a good sign.” “Trust me, I’m the worst one, too! Wait til you meet Zayn.” I constantly felt like I was singing Zayn’s praises, but it was hard not to when he was so blatantly amazing. I was missing him like absolute crazy. I couldn’t wait to just be across the hall from him again. “HERE WE GO!” Ben yelled excitedly, finally finding what he was looking for. “Pippa, this is for you.” He passed me a thick piece of A4 paper, with a dark print on, of the sky and stars and trees. My stomach dropped, because I knew. “Is this-” “Harry asked us to print the picture you’d taken and to give it to you.” Ben smiled. It looked amazing. That print, on the ideal paper for it, perfectly produced and shaped and completely unedited. It was pure; it was just the picture I had taken, but brought to life in a way I had never seen before. My stomach was aching, just looking at it. It was like a weird sense of longing, just one snippet of looking into something I loved, something that I had done thanks to Harry. I was a mess. But I had to hide it. “Thank you.” I shuddered. “Don’t thank us. Thank Harry.” So I waited. It felt like I waited a damn lifetime, but I knew it would be best to wait until the food was there to wake him up, because at least then I had an excuse. At least I wasn’t just waking him up to say, thanks for printing my photo and thinking of me. Finally, my moment came. The doorbell rang in the hallway, and as Kev got the money out of his wallet, I shuffled into the living room, seeing Harry still fast asleep. I bent down in front of him, smiling at his slumbering frame for only a second before I tapped his nose and blew soft air into his ear, which made him jolt awake. “The fuck, Pip-Squeak?” He grunted, still half asleep. “Foods here.” “What food?” He closed his eyes and rolled away from me so I couldn’t see his face. “We ordered Chinese food.” “Did you get salt and pepper ribs?” He cried. “I don’t know.” “I’m not coming unless you did.” I heard the front door slam shut and my stomach grumbled. I couldn’t wait much longer for Harry to decide if he wanted to bloody join us or not. “Oi. Styles.” “What?” “Thanks for getting my picture printed.” He turned back around, opening one eye and looking at me intensely. I noticed again how green they were, which shook me up and took me back to the same moment of realisation I’d had the evening before about the colour of his eyes. They were like spring, I thought, like the signs of life were coming back from winters depth, and creating the world anew again. “I wanted you to see how good you are.” He whispered. I was glad he said that. Because I wanted myself to see the same thing. + + + “I’m wide awake now.” Harry grunted, staring up to the ceiling. “Well you shouldn’t have had that nap earlier.” I groaned. I, personally, was exhausted. I rolled away from him and tucked the sheets a little further up, wishing I had the energy to get out of bed and turn off the lamp on his desk, but there was no way in hell. I didn’t need that light to be off to fall asleep, anyway. It was still pretty dark with it on, and if anything, it made me even sleepier. “Can we watch a film?” He begged. “Urgh. Harry!” I complained. Harry tucked up behind me, his lips close to my ear and his body fitting into the back of mine as he taunted in my ear. “We could watch The Princess and The Frog!” “But I’m tired!” I cried. He placed his hand on my waist and I swear my stomach flipped. I blamed it on the near kiss the evening before, and how it felt like I had been so rejected by him. His hand had been on my waist a few times throughout the week, and not once had my stomach reacted in such a way. “Pleeeaaaaase!” He tried. I squirmed and moved until his hand was off my body because I could barely cope with it. I needed him off me and I needed him to stop being playful. I just needed to feel normal around him again, and he really wasn’t helping. “No!” I cried. “Please. I’m tired.” “Urgh. Fine. Whatever. You go to sleep and I’ll sit here in silence.” “Thanks.” I huffed. Without another word, Harry got out of bed and went to turn off the lamp I had been longing to turn off myself, leaving me satisfied, warm and snug as he clambered back over to his side of the bed and tucked himself in. I lay in silence and closed my eyes, ready to greet slumber once again, but Harry was still having absolutely none of it. Every now and then, he would tut, or grunt, or sigh, or sniffle. I knew exactly what he was doing. Me and Harry were practically the same fucking person, of course I knew what he was doing, why he was acting like that. I decided to just give in. “Put a bloody film on.” I groaned. “Just don’t be offended when I fall asleep.” “YES! You’re a legend, Pip-Squeak!” He jumped out of bed, and I cursed myself for just watching him nod off earlier. I should have kept him awake and annoyed the hell out of him just so we could go to sleep at the right time. It was even worse because I knew when we were driving back the next day, Harry would complain about how tired he was. The whole thing was just not what I had in mind. Harry stood tapping his foot up and down as he eyed up his film collection. The bloody idiot must have been there for five minutes before I finally snapped. “Holy shit, would you just pick a fucking film? I’m tired.” “Tired and grumpy, it would seem.” He cocked his brows. “Why are you still the most annoying person I know?” “The more you keep talking, the longer I’m going to take to pick a film, Pip-Squeak.” With that I shut up, because I didn’t want Harry to think I was joking for a second. I was genuinely exhausted. He turned around to me, I noticed, as I pretended to have my eyes shut. He was kind of waiting for me to make some remark and fire back at him, but I gave him nothing. I liked the look of disappointment on his face. It proved to me how much of a thrill Harry used to get from our arguments, it was obvious how much he had liked them. That was one of the places we differed. The only thing arguing with Harry had ever done for me was give me a headache. He eventually picked one, and set everything up before he jumped back on the bed, literally jumped, to the point where my body shook. He’s doing this on purpose. He’s such a dick. I didn’t even want to react to him, because that was exactly what he wanted. I noticed he didn’t lower the volume of the film, and I also noticed he continued to clear his throat and choke on nothing. I had been pushed to the edge. “For fuck sake!” I cried, sitting up and turning to him. “Have I hurt you? Do you hate me? Have you been pretending to like me all week just so you could piss me off even more?” “What?” He gawked, bottom lip out. “I told you I want to sleep!” “Well, maybe I want you to stay and watch the film with me.” “Well that’s not fucking down to you, Harry!” I yelled. I flung back around so I didn’t have to look at his face, and sunk back into the bed, actually wound up. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was tired, because he genuinely was annoying me, because of what happened the night before? All I knew was that I was genuinely pissed off. But I didn’t mean to yell at him, not really. He turned the volume down. Christ, he even turned the brightness of the screen down as I lay there sulking, but feeling guilty. I hadn’t meant to snap at him, and I really didn’t want us to end our week together that way. I opened my mouth to apologise, but something entirely different came out. “You embarrassed me last night.” I wanted to start panting, but that would have made it too obvious that I was going totally insane. So, instead, I bit back my breathing and tried to act like I didn’t depend on it. I was so glad I was facing away from him. It meant he couldn’t see my wide eyes. “What? When?” He choked, oblivious. “I feel shit enough about myself thanks to the whole Louis thing without you taking the piss out of me.” I felt him sit up, alarmed, but I still didn’t turn to face him. I couldn’t believe what I was saying. We had gone the whole day without acknowledging the evening before and I was happy with that, I had wanted to ignore it. I couldn’t make any sense of why I was mentioning it. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He shot bitterly. “Saying you wanted to kiss me just so I would say it back. It’s embarrassing. Why would you say that if you didn’t even want to? You’ve made me feel like such an idiot.” “Pip-Squeak, sit up and talk to me properly!” He yelled. I pulled the sheets down with force and sat up, only being able to glance at him for a single second, catching the obscure look of confusion on his face before I was looking down in front of me. “Look, I didn’t even want to kiss you.” I gasped. “It was just the drugs.” “See, that’s exactly my fucking point!” He slammed his fist down. “That’s exactly why I said no!” “Why?” I cried back, whipping my head round. “Do you really think I want to kiss you like that? When you’re off your face? Do you really fucking think that’s how I wanted it to go?” We were both so angry, it was weird. It was a strange topic, that was a given, but I couldn’t really grasp why we were both so furious about it. “You didn’t want to kiss me at all!” I yelped. “How the fuck do you know what I want?” He scoffed. “Well you said no, didn’t you? I took that as a pretty clear sign.” “Oh just shut the fuck up, Pip-Squeak. You’ve got no clue what you’re talking about, as usual.” I felt like screaming. If I was at uni, or at home, I would have. I would have screamed and torn at my hair because that’s how genuinely infuriating I found the boy. But I didn’t, because I couldn’t. My only option was to get a breather from the entire situation before I actually went insane. I didn’t have any time to listen to him drag on. “I’m going to get a drink.” I huffed. I swung my legs off the bed and stood up as quickly as I could, marching towards the door. I wanted out of his company. Even if it was just for a few minutes. I found my fingers gripped on the handle before I felt a tug on my wrist, turning round to tell Harry he needed to back off and give me a minute, but it I had no time. Harry pushed me by the waist so my back slammed against his bedroom door, and he forced his lips on mine. I gladly welcomed them. Within a split second, my arms were wrapped around his neck, like I had been expecting it. Harry was kissing me. And I was kissing him back. He licked his tongue into my mouth almost immediately, finally letting me adore his taste, his hands gripped tight on my side as he grunted into my open mouth, clearly still full of rage but having to prove me wrong. I had never felt a kiss so desperate, I had never felt like it was so obvious that someone wanted to kiss me so much. I panted and moaned as my fingers landed on his butterfly, pushing my hips up to him for a split second before his grip intensified and his strength tightened, picking me from the floor so I could wrap my legs around his hips and he could slam me against the door one more time before he turned us around, leading us over to his bed. He dropped down on top of me, between my legs, pushing up to me with his bucking hips, making sure I could feel exactly how much he was enjoying our first kiss. “I’ll show you how much I want you.” He groaned. Within seconds his fingers were crawling up the inside of my legs, exploring my thighs as his tongue fucked into my mouth again, my back arching as Harry lifted his body from mine slightly, like I couldn’t cope with the distance. I wanted him all over me, constantly. He bit at my lip before moving his kiss to my jaw, his fingers now toying with the hem of my pants before he tugged at them, clearly wanting them off, and I wanted the same thing. He pulled them down as much as he could without ever letting his lips leave my weak, pale skin. I kicked off my pants the rest of the way, left in my knickers and my crop-top, shuffling my hips around, just waiting for him to touch me, to feel me. “Please.” I gasped. He moved so his hand could slip perfectly down the front of my underwear, and his fingers brushed gently over my most needed area, jolting the nub back and forth tenderly, cursing into my ear before his lips went back to mine, his tongue licking at my bottom lip. I let out a whimper of agony as his hand moved back upwards, only for it to soon snake round to my front, pushing my knickers to the side as two fingers slipped into me so easily, it was completely satisfying, opaquely obvious how hot I was for him. His thumb tickled up so he could rub me in hard circles as his fingers pushed up into me. He moved his head, his lips hovering a few inches from mine, halting our kiss. At first, I didn’t know why, but it soon became clear he’d distanced so he could concentrate more on what he was doing to me, and he could watch in complete admiration as I unwound under his traces, writhing about on top of the sheets as his hand fucked me ten times better than any boy ever had before. “Fuck... Pip...” He gasped, still staring at my face. I looked into his eyes as his fingers curved in me, searching for every peak he knew he could hit, a smug, adoring look on his face, his mouth open, his tongue struggling between his teeth as his thumb began moving a little quicker. That was it. That was all I had needed. I couldn’t hold his gaze any longer as my head lolled back and my mouth dropped open, panting and trying not to scream, having to bite my bottom lip and simply whimper out my orgasm, feeling Harry’s hand slow down and his fingers escape me as he rubbed over the juices that had left my quivering body. He was still staring at me. I panted out the aftermath of my orgasm as Harry flopped back to his side of the bed, seeming just as exhausted as I was. I turned my head to the side to watch him. The TV images flickered over his face, eyes shut, head back, Adams-apple nudging up and down his tanned skin. “What the fuck.” I gasped, still breathless. I watched as he smirked, before he whipped his head and opened his eyes so quickly, he caught me out. He caught me gazing fondly at him. “Now I’m tired.” He chuckled, biting his bottom lip. He grabbed the remote and turned the TV off, the only light now coming from the moon that poked from his thin, white curtains, turning back to find that I was still looking at him. There were a few moments silence, where we just looked at one another, saying nothing, barely even thinking, until I found that my eyes were closing all by themselves. I was tired before the workout. This had tipped me over my edge. “You did want to kiss me.” I smiled through a whisper, nodding off. “Of course I did.” He whispered back. Before I completely dropped off, he came to me, pushing the front of his body to mine, so close the tips of our noses touched. I draped my leg over his hip, and played with the lobe of his ear before I fell asleep. I’m almost sure he watched me the whole time.

[effervescentmind]

Entry 55: 10.20.20 @ 1:40 p.m.

In my room listening to (insert band name here).

I just got off a zoom call with my English teacher. I have been avoiding all our optional zooms and watching the recordings later. She has been trying to get me to join for some reason and I always make it seem like I’m too busy to do it. She got me this time only because all my recent assignments disappeared off my computer and I had to re-do my paper. It was frustrating but she helped me get caught up. 

Last week, my target application was denied, and I applied to Aldi’s only to find out that they do not have a working number to call. Yesterday, I decided to call target and give it another shot. When I applied, I put my schedule as only mornings because I wanted the same schedule, I had at FEDEX but figured this was the reason they turned me away. I was unable to speak to the hiring manager because she was in the middle of an orientation. Ugh, great. That could have been me in there but whatever. Anyway, I spoke with a different manager and explained that my schedule was fully open, and I would like an opportunity to join their team. She took my information and explained that the hiring manager wouldn’t be in tomorrow (today) but she may get back to me on Wednesday (tomorrow). So, hopefully she does call, and I can start working soon. 

This weekend I didn’t really get into much. My mom was with her boyfriend the whole time for his birthday. Not that she needs that as an excuse to be gone for days. I’m not complaining though. I love it when I’m alone, but I did get pretty bored and decided to get on some dating apps and see who I could talk to. Previously I said I would wait ‘til I got my car but thought to hell with it. I now have two new steam friends to play with although one of them is already trying to imagine himself as my boyfriend and it’s making me very uncomfortable. If he keeps it up, I’m going to cut him off. He’s not rude, ugly or bummy but I just don’t think I want a relationship right now. I’m just looking for mutuals at the moment. 

In my search for mutuals, I tried three different apps. First, Badoo and was short lived. Second, Bumble which I had maybe a whole day but also deleted. That’s the app I found the clingy guy on and a plethora of unwarranted dick pics. Lastly, I tried tinder which resulted in a white boy finding me on Facebook to message me that he swiped on me. Immediately, I blocked it because I felt like it was a complete invasion of privacy. I don’t understand why he thought it was okay to do so. If we don’t match, don’t seek me out and try to force conversation on me! 

After a short while of swiping, I matched with someone and started a conversation. He was a remarkably interesting, lively personality and our conversation was fun. I liked it so much that I invited him over to talk. He is from LA and was in town for a week, visiting his parents. We talked about horror movies, music and past experiences. I found out he was an upcoming Rockstar. He’s in a band and has toured with a lot of my favorite hard rock bands all over the world. He has pictures of everything on his Instagram. I was surprised but impressed. 

The whole time we were talking, I had Brooklyn 99 playing and we would periodically laugh at the show between conversations. Eventually he gave signals that he wanted me. At first, he was holding my hand and then told me to sit next to him. I didn’t right away but when I was next to him, he put his arm around me and played with my hair. He was telling me how pretty it was and softly rubbed on my ear. I was turned on and not because he was in a band but because I thought he was cute, and we had good conversation. We made out a little bit until he began touching on my waist and I blurted out that I was on my period. I lied. I had just got off it two days prior but aside from not being shaven, I didn’t want him thinking he could just come over here and get pussy when we only messaged about hanging out and talking. 

I understand that most people my age now “hangout” to fuck but I didn’t want that. I really wanted to just have some company, so I denied him his carnal desire. Told him next time he came into town, maybe I’d let him. He said he may be back in February and we hung out for a short while longer until he left. Although it was three in the morning, I knew if we had sex, he would have been there passed that time, so I don’t feel bad for not having sex with him. I have the pussy; I make the rules. 

The next day, I sent him a tasteful nude and told him to not forget me in February. He said he wouldn’t and sent me a nude back. We talked a little more and then I cut the conversation. I do intend on having sex with him when he returns but I wanted to flirt some and feel him out first. I just refuse to have crappy sex with people. I want someone to be excited about me and fuck me right. I refuse to not be satisfied again. I will make these men wait. They will wait for me and not waste my time if I give them my body. That’s how I feel right now. 

It’s three days since he was here and I’m just now finally listening to his music. It’s actually really good and I love it. A unique style and just what I’ve been needing lately. I’ve been wanting some new rock to listen to and watched one of the band’s live performances. His energy is incredible on stage. Definitely a concert I would want to attend. Haven’t told him though and I probably won’t if he doesn’t ask me. 

[linseelooo]

Thank god tomorrow is Friday. I'm sick. Pretty sure I got the flu on Tuesday, my boss sent me home early. I stayed home on Wednesday, the twins' 4th birthday. Went back to work today and just omg. Let me elaborate: Lane and Carleigh are on one! Carleigh moreso because she's just acting out, usually towards me but today her wrath was directed at Lane. She punched him in the stomach for no reason. My mom and I were talking on the phone and I was trying to talk over her, over Curtis' dog barking at Jackson, over Lane sobbing, trying to tell Carleigh to get in the corner. My mom chimes in "don't become a yeller like your sister, you're better than that" 😑😑 Later, with the dog still barking, Lane freaking out that Hans was choking Jackson (more on that later), and my head throbbing, the Carleigh threw a Barbie at Lane. 🙄🙄 I finally heard from my husband and I had a meltdown. He said "put the dog outside, separate the kids, easy!" And I lost it. Call it pregnancy hormones or sickness or tiredness, but I started sobbing. Mostly cause it didn't feel easy. It felt really hard and to be sick on top of it is just the icing on the cupcake. Now the dog thing. We had two dogs: Jackson, my little dachshund, and opie a Catahoula that we rescued almost two years ago. When opie got bigger, he and Jackson would fight. Sometimes over food, sometimes over over-stimulation, but it began to wear off, so it seemed. In February of this year, curtis found a German shepherd puppy for sale and bought it. Soon after he got bigger, the fighting returned. Opie got Jackson so bad, I though we were going to have to remove his leg or put him down. I called the rescue we got him from and they were zero help. Thankfully, my Nana and Uncle were able to take Opie so we didn't have to take him to the pound or endure any more fights. Hans is by far the most annoying dog I've ever had. He is curtis' dog through and through and is having a harder time without curtis then I or even the kids are. He whines constantly and barks and just drives me crazy. Then when him and Jackson play, lane freaks that they are fighting not playing. It's just an all-around circus and I can't wait for curtis to get here to work with his dog. Little nugget is doing great by the way. We got the genetic results back and everything is great! They also know the sex of the baby, but we're waiting until our gender reveal party in August. Im still thinking it's a girl though. My face is breaking out and just dull. I'll be 14 weeks on Sunday and our next appt is Tuesday. I'm debating taking the twins so they can see the baby on the ultrasound. Carleigh seems more interested than Lane. She hugs and kisses the baby all the time. It's freaking adorable and totally why I wanted another baby. Anyways, that's it for now. Counting down the hours til curtis is home. T - 38 hours.

[create-ninety]

Monday 18th February, ’19. 6pm.

I decided, somewhat rather suddenly, to have a book launch for Drinking the Ocean. I’ve already secured a venue: The White Post in Hackney Wick. It’s the perfect size, vibe, and it’s not going to cost me anything to use it. Lucie convinced me to push the date into April – I’ve still got quite a bit to do – and while I didn’t like the idea of delaying things, it doesn’t mean I can’t still release the book into the world digitally beforehand. We settled on a date. It’s going to be on my 27th birthday, April 28th. Which is two days after our first wedding anniversary. A kind of ‘triple threat’ scenario, I guess.

I’m ready for this book to be done. It’s time. I’m so eager to put it out into the world and start on the next one. The bookbinding is actually doing alright, too – I’m hoping that ultimately they’ll supplement each other, and that people who read my novels will be lead to my notebooks and the people who buy my notebooks will find my novels. I’m under no illusions that this is going to be an easy ride. Perhaps I’ll make enough from the party to pay the mortgage for April. But beyond that, it’s a little shadowy.

Lucie and I went out for dinner on Saturday night, to a place called Trader Vic’s on Park Lane. It was a wedding gift from her family which was sweet of them. We loved it! It was Polynesian themed, which obviously reminded us of Hawaii, and of course, New Zealand too. We’ve confirmed that we’re going there for Christmas this year. It seems so far away but this year is flying by already so we’ll be on the plane before we know it.

Last week I was particularly social, seeing friends most days of the week. I’m dialling it down for the next few days, though – I’m determined to get these poetry books out the door, and to push through a few more chapters of the novel. It’s also a sure-fire way to spend money the moment I step foot out the house. I’d love to get one of those fold-up bikes so that it’s easier for me to get to Hackney Wick and the pool. And the post office. Just around generally, I suppose, because it’s easy to spend a lot of time waiting for buses or – in my case – walking. My foot is much better than it was. The scar is about the same size as the one on my back. It’s not waking me up in the night anymore, so that’s a positive, but standing or walking for long portions of the day leaves me extremely fatigued.

People ask me if I get lonely working from the house. The answer is: no. I love it. I absolutely love working from home. I can leave whenever I fancy. I can work til midnight if I’m in the zone. I can sleep a little later, which is what I prefer. It’s hard not to feel guilty for sleeping longer but I’m designing my day, and a lot of my ‘day’ happens after the sun goes down. That’s just what my brain prefers.

Anyway. This was the little stretch of the keys I needed to hit the novel. Onward!

[aegyotrashcan]

Mafia!AU: Jung Hoseok

Brutal wouldn’t be the right word to describe Jung Hoseok.

Although he was the head of the biggest Mafia family in South Korea, it wasn’t because he was a brutal person. More like, he was born into it. His grandfather had been brutal, building the Jung empire from scratch and solidifying their names in history. Then, he bore a son. Who also bore a son. Three generations of Jung’s have ruled the underground of South Korea, never letting anyone forget the name.

So, no, Jung Hoseok was not a brutal man. He had inherited the throne and ruled with an iron first, setting himself apart from his father and grandfather before him. They were cruel, they were ruthless. And although Hoseok was all of those things too, he was also kind.

And that made him different.

You could sense the warmth in his heart from the moment you met him. After a hard life, you fell into the only path you had ever known; crime. With the interest you took in computers from a young age, coupled with that dark past, it was no surprise to those that knew you when you were recruited by the Jung’s as a hacker.

You worked for the family for a whole month before meeting Hoseok.

He had been away, you were told, taking care of business. His office had a connected room, filled with all the latest gadgets. You had lived in there the entirety of the month, feeling safe and content among the artificial glow. His sudden arrival one day had startled you.

Hoseok slammed the door open, scurrying into the tech room with a grin. “Ah, hello! Y/N, right?” His grin looked so foreign, held the kind of warmth you had never seen before. You averted your gaze, unable to look at its blinding light for too long.

“Yes, Mr. Jung.”

He laughed. “No, don’t call me that! That makes me feel old, I’m only in my twenties! Call me Hobi, all my friends do.”

“Okay ... Hobi.” It felt weird on your tongue but his smile grew even bigger at the sound of the nickname.

“Excellent! My men have told me that you’re a good worker. You’ve been in here a whole month, right?”

You shrug, looking around fondly. “Yeah.”

“I think you deserve a break, don’t you? A few of us are going out for drinks, come on!” He didn’t even pose it as a question nor were you brave enough to challenge the offer. With a nod, you slipped your coat on and followed him out the tech room, through his private office and into the hall.

His mansion was unlike those in the mafia movies you had seen. It was fancy and shone, of course, but there was an essence of Hoseok in it too. Pictures of the Jung family were littered everywhere, on walls and side tables. Old Christmas decorations still hung in February, most likely never taken down. It didn’t look messy, in fact, Hoseok seemed like a tidy person. Even his office has a personal touch but in an organised fashion. The Christmas decorations added character to the mansion, instead of taking from it. Flowers of all colours brightened up the space, made the mansion feel homely. As did Hoseok’s dog, who barked by your ankles when you reached the main entrance.

He whined and pleaded for attention so you gave in, rubbed his back and then his belly when he turned over.

“Ah, Mickey likes you!” Hoseok beamed

The dog liked everyone. Although the Jung’s owned guard dogs, Mickey was not one of them. He was a friendly, happy house pet who always yearned for belly rubs and treats, from everyone and anyone. He didn’t understand that he was surrounded by criminals, only seen you all as belly scratchers and food givers.

Mickey was the purest thing you had ever known.

“Hey, you ready to go celebrate?” a new voice asked. Six others piled in, boys you had met over the month of working here; Seokjin, Yoongi, Namjoon, Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook. Mickey barked, abandoning you in search of more belly rubs, running right to Taehyung.

The childish boy dropped to his knees, praising the dog and rubbing him just the way he liked. Mickey growled low in ecstasy, leg twitching.

“Celebrate?” you asked.

“Yeah, didn’t he tell you?” Jimin asks, throwing an arm over Hoseok’s shoulders. “He’s the birthday boy! We’re all going to get him wasted - Don’t try and stop us!”

“Oh, happy birthday, Hobi,” you said. “I’d have bought a gift if I’d known.”

“Ah, really, don’t make such a fuss!” The feared Mafia leader was flustered, waving off the attention and smiling modestly. “I just want to have a good night, that’s all, there’s no need for extravagant things!”

“Then, come on, I’ll buy you a drink ~ “ you offer, leading the pack out the door. “Where are we going anyway?”

Seokjin was the family’s personal driver, so he was unable to drink tonight. Or any other night. But he said he didn’t mind. “It’s more fun getting to watch them make a fool of themselves,” he explained, indicating the boys who already seemed drunk, chanting songs and trying to plant kisses on Hoseok’s round cheeks.

“I never imaged you as the driver,” you tell Seokjin, telling a white lie.

You already knew he was. Before you even took the job (well you had no real choice there, you would have been killed if you said no) you researched all known members of the Jung Mafia. Kim Seokjin had dropped out of college, pursued modelling briefly, but wound up indebted to the Jung’s. His father gambled away the Kim’s life savings, borrowed from the Jung’s, then took his own life, leaving Seokjin with that burden. If not for your secret research, you would never have guessed the handsome driver hid anything behind his smile.

You had stopped investigating after that point, having garnered enough information.

“Ah, I know! It’s because I’m so handsome, right?” His joking tone turned more serious as he continued. “But I don’t mind. Working for Hobi isn’t so bad, he’s a good guy, as long as you follow orders.”

“Hey, did I hear my name?”

The others were sat in the back of the limo, while you sat up front with Seokjin. They said there was enough space but being squished in with them wasn’t appealing. You were also curious to see how much info you could get from the chauffeur, truth be told.

Hoseok’s head popped up in between the seats. “Are you guys talking about me? It’s all good, I hope ~” Was it a threat or a joke? You’d never know.

“Ah, of course, Hobi! I was just telling Y/N about how soft you are,” Jin responds. “The nicest guy I know!”

“Yeah, Y/N, wait til you see him in PJ’s, snuggling up to Mickey!” Taehyung shouts out. “Such a soft guy.”

All in all, it was a great night.

You got to integrate yourself in Hoseok’s closest circle of friends, who were fun and inviting. Over the coming months, they took good care of you, and you found yourself wondering how you had lived without them. It felt almost as if you were some messed up family, not the kind you had grown up in, however. But the kind that broken souls formed together. You had seen nothing of Hoseok but his warm eye smiles and loud laughs. Until Halloween rolled around that is, and spooky decorations were hung up alongside the Christmas ones that had still to be taken down.

You were camped out in the tech room, that had unofficially become your work space. It amazed you how willing Hoseok was to let you trample through his office to get to it, or at least, how willing he had been.

“YOU!” he shouted, the moment you stepped foot into his office.

You physically flinched back, unaware that his voice could sound that malicious. “DID YOU KNOW? DID YOU?!”

Namjoon pulled him back, ushering you in and gesturing to shut the door. You hesitated before locking it, feeling closed in with a wild lion in a cage.

“Know what?” The two coffees in your hand trembled and you tried desperately to hide it. But Namjoon was Hoseok’s personal body guard, it was his job to notice the little things. He patted Hoseok’s back, trying to get him to calm down.

“There was a spy,” Namjoon explains. “They took Hoseok’s sister.” It was the first time you had heard his closest circle call him by his full name. And that’s because Hoseok and Hobi were two different people. Right now, he was Hoseok. Right now, he was living up to his family’s image.

“I didn’t know!” you rushed out. “If I did, I would have told - “

“Shut up! Stop wasting time! Just, just ... Do something about it!” He slammed his fist down, shaking his hardwood desk. “Find where he is, finds the bastard and find ... Find my sister.” His tone softened but the hard look in his eyes didn’t.

You dropped one coffee cup on the table, it was super sweet but no milk, just how Hobi liked it, before running into your tech room. And locking the door.

Hoseok stared at the liquid, watched the clouds of steam swirl in the air.

“Keep an eye on Y/N, make sure they’re not somehow a part of this. I want my sister found quickly, I don’t care by who.”

Two days and no sleep later, was when you unlocked the door again.

And nearly stumbled into Namjoon. He’d pulled a chair up, right outside the door, unavoidable when you decided to leave. The bags under his eyes said he had not slept these past two days either.

“Did you find anything?”

“Yes! Where’s Hob - Hoseok? Where’s Hoseok?”

“He’s out, just tell me the info and I’ll pass it on.”

The spy had been working there for just four weeks. He hailed from the next town over and had been making a name for himself on the street since he was fourteen, when his parents were killed in a drug deal gone bad. Hoseok had taken him in, always cooed at the teenager like he were an innocent child and offered him protection.

But it was a trap.

The story was fake.

A man and woman had died in that town, in the circumstances he had said, but they were not his parents. The name he had given was fake and hastily thought out. You tracked it easily, found out someone with his real name had bought tickets to Hawaii.

Namjoon took off in a shot.

It was a few hours before hunger made you brave enough to leave the small space you were used to. In the kitchen, you found Jungkook raiding the fridge. He nodded when you walked in.

“Good job, kid.” He was younger but in terms of rank within the Jung family, he was higher than you. And liked to point that out often. “Hoseok’s catching the next flight to Hawaii, so are some of his men. Hopefully we’ll have his sister back safe and ...”

“And Hobi back too.”

He nodded.

It was a full two weeks before Hoseok returned, covered in scrapes and bruises and a little thinner. Namjoon’s leg was in a cast, not from whatever had happened in Hawaii, but from his own clumsiness. He shot you a tired, dimpled smile.

“Hey! Did you miss me?” he teased.

Hoseok was in the hospital, by his sister’s side. She was missing a finger and very dehydrated but alive. All the boys came back alive, in fact. Namjoon filled you in on all the details, what they had gone through, to finally getting her back.

“He was so sad to see her like that but relieved too, I think. At least she’s alive and will recover. That’s something, at least, right?”

You nod along to Namjoon’s sentiment. “Right.”

You’re back stowed away in the tech room that night, no urgent work to do. So, instead you researched the hospital Lady Jung was at. The place looked fancy and huge, according to the images you found. Seemed like a place you needed good money for.

The door opened suddenly and you jumped back.

Hoseok seemed to be making a habit of scaring you.

He laughed. “Ah, sorry, I should have knocked!” He closed the door behind him and took a wheely chair from the corner, pushing it to sit by you. “Ahhh, I just want to thank you, for finding my sister. I know I was a bit of a hardass, ‘cause I was scared and angry, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. Or thought you were involved.”

“It’s fine - “

“No, it’s not. That’s why I’m apologising. And thanking you once more, for your help. Not just now, but for the past few months. I’m glad I found you.” His hand came to rest on your thigh, warm and soft. It sent a shiver down your spine that you were embarrassed about.

“It’s fine, really. Your sister’s at a good hospital too. They have one of Korea’s greatest doctor’s working there. His record is clean too, no complaints from patients or their families.”

He smiled again, and like always, you looked away.

It was like staring at the sun. How could his smile be so beautiful?

“Don’t look away, look at me,” he orders and you can’t find it within yourself to refuse. You look back, startled to realise he’s a lot closer than before. The hand on your thigh is a lot firmer, squeezing gently as his other came to cup your cheek.

“Can I kiss you?”

What a stupid question. How would anyone in their mind say no to him?! You don’t bother pointing that out, only nodding instead. Your gaze falls to his lips, to that small mole that always catches your attention when he talks. His lips came closer and closer before meeting yours.

And stealing your breath away.

Before you could even catch your breath, he smiled and you forgot how to breathe. It’s a wonder you didn’t pass out, it felt like you would. The heart thumping in your chest was the only thing telling you that this was reality, that you weren’t just dreaming.

“Can I take you on a date?”

You nod, reaching out to grab his crisp, white shirt. He smells of musky cologne and tasted of lemon drops. An odd combination that only Hobi could make attractive. Pulling him back in for another kiss, you murmur, “I’ll have to ask my boss for tomorrow off,” against his lips.

He laughs into the kiss.

[hexterah]

(This mix was originally posted on LJ in February of 2008. I’m putting all my old fanmixes online w/ the info here! :D)

IF YOU HAVEN’T PLAYED THE FIRST BIOSHOCK, THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THIS FANMIX (just a warning XD)

1960. Your name is Jack. You're the only survivor in a plane crash in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Surprisingly, you find yourself near a curious tower jutting out of the water. You wade over, climb inside and find yourself in a sprawling underwater city, complete with clubs, apartments, factories and leaks. What was this place created for? Who created it? Why? How? It's a technical marvel, why hasn't it been all over the news? These are the questions you are searching for answers to, until more questions materialize, that is. Such as "Who is Atlas and why am I helping him?", "Why is my hand seething fire, insects and electricity?", "Why are these gigantic robots suddenly out for my head?" and "Oh dear god, why is that little girl chugging the red fluid she just needled out of that corpse?" Society here has collapsed, the people have gone absolutely out of their minds, everyone is jacked up on plasmids and now you're stuck in the middle of it. Welcome to Rapture.

Fanmix on Playmoss!: https://playmoss.com/en/hexterah/playlist/would-you-kindly-a-bioshock-fanmix (a couple of the songs won’t play on PM cause of the companies that have their music blocked -- they can be found on the actual youtube site though, if you wanted to hunt down the songs under the cut that the playlist skips~) 

bobby darin .. BEYOND THE SEA ... it's far beyond the stars it's near beyond the moon I know beyond a doubt my heart will lead me there soon ...

[ Take the bathysphere on down to your hometown. ]

................ 

Ignore the lies of Atlas and his parasites. Rapture is on the rise.

................

shiny toy guns .. STARTS WITH ONE ... only three i can’t seem to get enough anyway i can’t speak nothing to say anyway let’s show them the only way let’s show them our hearts ...

[ Don't mind the leaks or the bodies. Just watch your step. ] ................ Andrew Ryan asks you a simple question: are you a man or a slave? ................ temposhark f. imogen heap .. NOT THAT BIG ... I can cut my heart out just like you do and I can suck the life out of it just like you do i'm gonna pick myself up and pull myself together; never revel in recovery mode for when commitment is a dirty word you can't afford to ever slip or let down your guard ...

[ It might feel a little funny with the first injection, Jack. Just a little. ]

................ The Little Sisters Orphanage: In troubled times, give your little girl the life that she deserves. Boarding and education free of charge! After all, children ARE the future of Rapture. ................ the cure .. LULLABY ... on candystripe legs the spiderman comes softly through the shadow of the evening sun stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead looking for the victim shivering in bed searching out fear in the gathering gloom ...

[ Andrew Ryan is your God among Men. ] ................ Approaching a Little Sister is a criminal offense. Do not approach the Little Sisters. ................ gerard mcmann .. CRY LITTLE SISTER ... cry little sister (thou shall not fall) come to your brother (thou shall not die) unchain me sister (thou shall not fear) love is with your brother (thou shall not kill) ...

[ It's up to you, Jack, whether they're rescued or harvested, which means it's up to you whether the big brother in their chemically-enhanced fucked-up-beyond-repair family saves them or kills them and takes all the spoils as his own. ]

................ We all have bills to pay, and the temptation to break curfew to make a little extra ADAM is forgivable. Breaking the curfew is not. Stay on the level, and out of trouble. ................ three days grace .. NEVER TOO LATE ... no one will ever see this side reflected and if there's something wrong who would have guessed it and I have left alone everything that I own to make you feel like it's not too late it's never too late ...

[ People forget that the Big Daddies were once human too. ] ................ The smuggler is the friend of the parasite. It is your duty to report the smuggler. ................ radiohead .. ALL I NEED ... I am the next act waiting in the wings I am an animal trapped in your hot car I am all the days that you choose to ignore you are all I need you are all I need I am in the middle of your picture lying in the reeds ...

[ "Plasmids changed everything. They destroyed our bodies, our minds. We couldn't handle it. Best friends butchering one another, babies strangled in cribs. The whole city went to hell." ] ................ Rumor is the tool of the parasite. Fontaine is dead; Rapture lives. ................ videodrone .. ALONE WITH 20 BUCKS ... living, barely surviving freebasing life till its end divided soulless vices death before life could begin evil dollar bills, life stood still a tumor removed from your brain prescription refilled, a cure for my ill blood stains painted over again you tell me how to think you tell me how to feel cause I want to know what is real is anyone real? ...

[ If Ryan is Rapture's God, then Fontaine is his Lucifer. Once smiled upon for his actions, he's now Ryan's most prominent enemy. ] ................ Attention: A new curfew will be enacted on Thursday. Citizens found in violation will be relocated to Apollo Square. ................ dave gahan .. A LITTLE LIE ... I walk alone and you know I've never felt at home I'm so hard to please and I have everything I need ...

[ "Me family's in a submarine hidden in the foundation of Fontaine Fisheries. I'll meet you there." -- You'd better get used to being lied to, Jack. ] ................ Wanting an item from the surface is forgivable. Buying or smuggling one into Rapture is not. Stay on the level, and out of trouble. ................ joydrop .. BREAKDOWN ... and all the days you pushed around and all the times you lied to yourself and all the dreams we had just might breakdown ...

[ She seems to be the only one with a conscience on this sinking heap of metal. She also acts as yours. Listen to her. ] ................ Andrew Ryan reminds us: we all make choices, but, in the end, our choices make us. ................ kate bush .. EXPERIMENT IV ... they told us all they wanted Was a sound that could kill someone from a distance So we go ahead and the meters are over in the red It's a mistake in the making ...

[ Nothing holds back the experiments in Rapture. And nothing is saved from them. Plants, animals, children -- all up for grabs. ] ................ Wallet a little light? At Surgical Savings we'll happily work out an affordable payment plan for any major procedure. Potentially terminal illnesses won't wait until payday. Should you? ................ coheed & cambria .. THE HOUND (OF BLOOD AND RANK) ... come on, you've got to give it to me as though you want it too come on and set me free i'll dig it till we've made your grave oh, you've been a bad, bad boy i'll cut it 'til I carve it out and stick it in a sad, sad song why the bother, you're no brother you’re the wrong I need boy, we all found an audience while you found the worst of me ...

[ The body is a terrible thing to waste. So says the artist. One does the cutting and the carving and the other does the sculpting and the performing and they're two sides of one horribly twisted and beautiful coin. ] ................ Attention: Any public congregation of more than four persons is considered an actionable offense. ................ frou frou .. PSYCHOBABBLE ... do just what I tell you and no one will get hurt don't come any closer cause I don't know how long I can hold my heart in two make no sudden movements and no one will get hurt you're not coming over if you know what's good for me why would I be leaving you? ...

[ Andrew Ryan has a way with women, yes? Well, he also has a way with his children. A man chooses, a slave obeys. ] ................ The bottom of the ocean is our home, but it can also be a dangerous place. Any leak is a bad leak. Report any unexplained water promptly to the Central Council. ................ the birthday massacre .. PLAY DEAD ... thinking hurts and thoughts don't rhyme to those of us who've never tried to find a face behind our lipstick smiles and as our pretty faces die our plastic hearts will wonder why the make-up just won't hide the scars of time ...

[ "Now, would you kindly find a crowbar or something? Bloody splicers sealed Johnny in before they ... goddamn splicers." -- They were the citizens of this once thriving metropolis. Now they've been reduced to babbling, deformed maniacs who are only out for another high. ] ................ We all move the Great Chain, and the Great Chain moves us all. ................ moving units .. THE KIDS OF ORANGE COUNTY ... a suburban tease you can see their dirty knees you can see them bounce off a wall like a racquet hits a ball but they always come back again a Jamaican breeze you can smell the anti-freeze you can see the world is a maze when you're young and you're free to be anything you wanted to be ...

[ It's all about class, dollface, and you don't fit in! Parasite! ] ................ The parasite hates three things: free markets, free will, and free men. ................ brand new .. WELCOME TO BANGKOK [ instrumental ]

[ "Don't know what I was thinkin'. Never spliced up once the whole time I was down here in this aquarium. Figured it was bad to mix business with pleasure, but WHOOO! Forget all the nose candy and floor polish I been wastin' time with! THIS stuff is the mothers milk!" ] ................ "That's just the Plasmid Blues, Mary. You just need to slow down a bit on the splicing. Before you know it, you'll be as right as rain. Remember, a smart splicer is a happy splicer." ................ ambo .. BLUEBIRD ... and the sun was brilliant too ...

[ Maybe one day you'll see the sun again, Jack. ]

[glimpseof-me]

Monday - February 27, 2017

K’s birthday weekend just passed. We went to SD this year.

Honestly, it wasn’t very fun.

I feel like my self esteem has gotten so bad that it affects my social life.

We went to a club there and felt so uncomfortable the whole time. I felt so ugly and I don’t know. Just below everyone I guess.

A few minutes after getting there I went to the restroom and all I could do was cry.

I don’t know why I’m like this……

It’s weird because I know I’m not bad looking. I know this. So why do I feel so ugly? I know I’m a nice girl with a good soul. I know I’m smarter than I think I am. I know this. So why do I feel so badly about who I am as a person?

Some days I feel so sad. Heart wrenchingly sad. I lay in my bad and just cry and cry. I cry so hard it gets hard to breathe. I wake up with swollen eyes and exhausted from all this sadness.

Why am I so sad?

I have a boyfriend I love, and loves me. We do all kinds of things together. We go out, a lot. To bars, the movies, restaurants, have day dates, go on trips every 2-3 months. His family loves me like their own. He just gave me a ring a few months ago which meant the world to me. I have my mother that loves me to death. We talk every single day and goes out of her way to do things for me. She’s truly an angel.

I have my dad who also loves me to death. He always reminds us of this. He’s a great father.

I have my sister that has my back through anything, ever. She’ll take the fall for me if she has to whenever it comes to it. She’s a dope person.

I have everything, yet feel literally nothing but guilt because I’m not a better person for them.

I’m not a trophy girlfriend. I am painfully average looking with average accomplishments. I am just ok.

I’m not a trophy daughter or sister. There isn’t anything my parents can brag about to their coworkers and sisters and brothers when it comes to me. I’m not around often. I don’t do much for them. I’m just….there. Sometimes. I don’t feel like this all the time. Some days are better than others. But even on my good days, it haunts me you know. That feeling is always there in the background.

Maybe I’m just messed up in the head…….

Anyway, continuing the club scene:

I drank a good amount. About 4 margaritas, a shot, and a beer. And we had pregamed before so, I was feeling it. I feel like I should’ve been drunker than I was. But I always say this lol.

K was pretty wasted. There was a point that he had to run to the restroom to throw up lol. The thing that really got to me was that he kept drinking and even got sloppy. When we’d walk somewhere he’d bump people almost on purpose. A few guys even told him something and he’d have a confrontation with. There was a couple guys that this happened with. One was with a guy that was really wasted. I mean wasted to the point where he was stumbling and couldn’t even really talk. He was checking out K’s cousins girlfriend, which by the way looks like a model. 5’7, slim thick, long legs, long hair and a really pretty face to complete the package. She’s kind of a bitch though…..Back to K: another confrontation was this this guy that got pissed because K sorta shoved him when he was passing by. I didn’t want anything to happen so I pulled K away and that set him off. He got so bothered by it. He pulled me aside and yelled at me to not to do that ever. It hurt my feelings because I was just looking after him. And for him to react to it like that? I didn’t think it was fair. And I didn’t want to argue because I knew he was drunk. Also, while we were at the club, K and his cousin went to the restroom and so I decided to go too meanwhile. I got out first and I bought some drinks for K and I and waited by the bar. Few minutes passed and I look over and I see the guys checking girls out. It hurt my feelings so much. Why doesn’t he look at me like that? I know I’m not as attractive and sexy and other women but, I’m his. Crave me. In a room full of girls, why don’t I catch your attention… He was being obnoxious on the way back as well. K’s cousin threw up on the way back to our hotel and I got charged $150 extra. Which was irritating at first but he paid me back today so now it’s whatevs. When K and I got back into the room, he was starting to get all touchy and I just was not in the mood. I didn’t want to tell him no and have him get all upset so I told him I was going to wash off my make up and get comfortable and then we could lay down together. I washed my face, changed and even left the faucet on a little while so he’d fall asleep. After a while of not hearing anything, I peeked and I see him hanging over the bed with throw up all over his face and hair and all over the bed sheets and floor. I was like, great. As I cleaned his face and hair with a warm damp towel, he looked at me and told me he loved me as sincere as a drunk man could. Something about it kind of struck me. If it makes sense. I had him get up and as soon as he got on his feet, he ran to the restroom and threw up again. He was so wasted. I had him lay on his side while I cleaned up his throw up. It was gross, but not gross because it was his. Which I know totally sounds gross. I got into bed and had him lay on my chest. I sat there and loved him. Loved him for all his ugliness(not physically), and loved him for all his beauty. I totally should’ve taken advantage and punched him in his drunk sleep. I kept waking up all night to make sure he was okay. Which was kind of overreacting because we’ve been drunker together dozens of times. In the morning, K woke up and wanted to cuddle and he was trying to hug me and I was annoyed because of the night before. He said he didn’t remember much, he didn’t even remember throwing up. I talked shit to him for a brief moment and ruined his mood. Felt bad but hey, I’m allowed to voice how I feel…. Right? We were quiet the rest of the day, even on the way home. Before I left I told him to just tell me what bothered him so we could talk about it. He claims that he thought we all had a really cool night but I shitted on it by the things I said in the morning. I really dislike that about him. Why do things so easily fixable piss him off so much and “ruins” everything for him. It’s uncalled for and stupid. And I tell him all the time. All we have to do is sit down, talk about it, find a happy medium, better from it, and get over it. Its so easy yet so hard for him. UGH!

Okay, enough about the weekend.

I’ve been thinking about posting in my tumblr again. I went through it today and it feels like I’ve changed so much since. I deleted 98% of everything. All the posts, pictures, all the things I’ve reblogged. I kinda regret it now. I should’ve kept everything. I liked posting my diary everyday and getting replies and all kinds of questions. I liked feeling like it was an outlet to let everything out. Maybe I’ll start posting my diary here again… I was thinking, there should be a way to save peoples blogs. We should be able to upload the whole thing into a USB stick so we could look through it years from now. Maybe someday in the future…

OK, gotta get back to work.

-Til tomorrow.