#i’m dealing with insurance stuff rn bc i was on my mom’s but she never renewed it

[ultravioletlesbian]

also banging myself over the head i hate this here medical things so fun bonk bonk. today i found out for the first time i mean i really just never thought about it but i have a medical condition. a medical conditionnn i was going to the eye doctor every month like please😭

[ladyloveandjustice]

incoherent rambling trying to figure out eating and doing things

uggggh i’m fucked up today i got up at 5 in the morning for the coaching because as i mentioned they failed me on a surprise evaluation for stupid reasons and i was thinking of skipping it all and just quitting, but now that I’m not sure if I’ll be able to work with the other company I figure I should keep this job going until I decide what I’m gonna do. 

anyway the coach was late, and I let her know that I was frustrated that I was being held to super strict standards but my supervisors are allowed to just be as unprofessional as they want (A PATTERN) but then she got so apologetic i felt bad. and then it was essentially being lectured for 15 minutes and being told to do all this stuff I’M PRETTY SURE I WON��T BE ABLE TO DO IN THE ALLOTTED TIME, but whatever i’ll keep going as long as I can with this. If they boot me out, they boot me out. So that was annoying but at least all i had to do was listen with dead eyes.

i couldn’t get back to sleep after that, eventually did, i think i’ve gotten maybe 3 hours altogether, so anyway i feel all fucked up now and my eyes hurt but i still can’t sleep.

My lack of motivation to eat has also bottomed out quite spectacularly, I barely eat anything anymore and I know that’s responsible for the lack of energy but...there’s nothing i wanna eat. I’m not allowing junk food all that much so it’s just like. protein shakes and saltines and i forced some celery yesterday.  I’m gonna try some cereal and yogurt today but thaaaats where i am. i worry a lot about the future with this. I know it doesn’t help my lack of energy, but i just. don’t. want. to. cook. nothing is tempting enough to even expend energy going to the kitchen or microwaving. i don’t wanna deal with dishes either. and i hate all instant food.

i do get full meals like, once a week when i visit mom or if i eat with my friends. i am worried about the future a lot. will i go on like this forever? maybe it’ll change when I live alone bc going out won’t be a risk of interacting with ppl i don’t like, maybe i can make an effort to stay in the living room more which would lead to more eating. Right now i just can’t do it, even when they’re gone, i wanna hide in my room. maybe when I get a car I can just do a short drive and get food somehwere and work there so it doesn’t feel like a waste of time.

i’m thinking of trying to get rice delivered here once in a while? cuz rice is one of the few things i can stomach rn. but can’t cook that either. 

anyway i know all this is bad and im worried. but i hate the taste of almost everything. i hate eating and i hate the feeling of eating alone. i can’t make myself do it, and ive tried all sors of strategies.

i think maybe i’ll make a schedule and plan meals ahead of time or something. like today’s a cereal and yogurt day, tomorrows a rice and celery day...then i can escalate it a little from there.

btw you think i’d be losing weight with all this but nah.

I really do need to set a schedule in general. i tell myself to do that but i never stick to it. I have a hard time concentrating even on tv and stuff lately so i’m left a lot with nothing to do. whenever i try a task i get tired of it instantly. but anyway schedule and try to stick to it this time. I’m thinking of really doing a journal too. i haven’t journaled since early college, maybe it will help.

and yes i know i should see a therapist. but none of them really helped with any of this much or worked for me and it’s stressful to keep switching and also stressful just going there so i’m breaking for now. also my health insurance is wonky. when i can drive maybe i’ll go see one.

[icharchivist]

huh..... so I think my wisedom teeth are actually pushing and settling in?

I’m 22 and never got a surgery against it - it was never really the time (late teen we had a lot of financial issues after the divorce and I wasn’t covered by the insurance because of administration reasons (i basically disappeared from the files for a few years oops because administration sucks and my family situation sucks) - took until my 20yo or something to get back and then i always pushed it... away... far away...)

My mom never had her teeth removed so she thought that maybe i inherited her genes and she never actually bothered thinking it might be important. My sister had hers removed when she was a teen, and well, my dad never adressed it and it’s not like he could anyway.

But ye - we never actually did anything about it. Sometimes my gums could be a little swollen, but it was nothing bad?? I was wondering if it might be that but my parents kept repeating “if your wisedom teeth are pushing you’d be in an unbearable pain, you wouldn’t be trying to know if it’s happening”

and like, at worse it was midly uncomfortable and it hurt if the swollen gum would enter in contact with the pointy teeth underneath or on top, but otherwise it was perfectly manageable.

But like, like i always told my parents, I have no real understanding of pain??? I always kinda always “dealt” with pain without addressing it, in any circumstances, I always went through with sickness without exactly caring because it was an inconveignance for everyone and I should stop whining - and  that’s how i ended up with a deadly skin disease that I was so late to actually see a doctor for that she told me that she was close to get me hospitalized, and I legit did bear for months while I had my skin being torn apart on my breasts all the time. I didn’t talk about it for months because I thought it was manageable, Istg i was yelled at at the doctor because it wasn’t normal anyone could have let it go this far with the amount of pain, especially in such a sensible aera.

And more recently that’s also how I ended up getting my stomach problems, that again I took a long time to adress. Hell, it’s even funny for my eczema bc mine is painful af, but i have it for so long and i was always told it was nothing that I managed around and can handle the pain, and one day my parents got a violent eczema and they were suffering so bad they thought it couldn’t be eczema bc I wasn’t suffering like they did. While turns out, they had a less-bad version of what I have. 

So like??? Idk maybe swollen gum was my indication that “hey it’s supposed to hurt” but since everyone was telling me that unless i really suffer there’s no way that it would be actually pushing yada yada yada

And rn the gums are swollen again which, again, no big deal, until i realized that there was a tooth pushing through one part of the gum. 

That’s so damn unreal, it’s mostly covered by the gum, but there’s like a pointy edge of a tooth that got out of the gum on the outside part of my jaw??? That’s so unreal???

now i don’t exactly know what I’m supposed to do, i hadn’t seen a dentist in forever. Not sure my current insurance would cover it completely either and we’re still having money issues so i would rather... limit those. (especially since lately we spent a lot of money on stuff for my mental health that weren’t covered by the insurance.)

And like?? it’s not painful at all?? My step dad says i’m bullshitting and I showed my mom (and after that my step dad did as if i wasn’t in the room to not admit he was wrong) - and mom told me that it looked like I had enough place for the teeth to settle in without surgery, but it seems weird to me somehow? idk if i should trust her. 

But again it really doesn’t hurt. 

Bleh and it’s making me bleh to think about because I already have  a shittons of gorey nightmares linked to removing teeth and jaw (like... really disturbing gorey almost-too-real nightmares) so it’s not exactly something I want to think about to start with. 

*takes a huge inspiration* and that’s another thing i’m adding to “things that should have been settled when i was a teen but since i didn’t have a normal fucking childhood/teenage-hood, now i have to deal with the consequences of everything that went undealt with because “we’ll see later”.”. And it’s also adding to the list of ways my parents have somehow fucked up with me, and the list was already goddamn long.

Not only I had a hell of a teenage years but now it’s like my whole life is shaped around how everything went wrong and it keeps going wrong, and then i wonder why i don’t feel okay nor happy.

Bleeeh I shouldn’t get depressed over fucking teeth. 

I’ll see how it’ll feel tomorrow, if it gets worse i’ll consider seeing a doctor or something.

[apocalypto12related]

Do all of them!

1: is there a boy/girl in your life?

Ye! Sammy! @deziac

2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

Um... My family, probably, and no.

3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Kitty! I love kitties!

4: what’s something you really want right now?

an apartment. on a less serious side, um, glasses???

5: are you afraid of falling in love?

Nope! I already have and since we’re poly im sure i will again owo

6: do you like the beach?

so/so. depends on my mood.

7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

um... a pull out sofa, does that count? i have a hard time sleeping unless i can fully lie down.

8: what’s the background on your cell?

my old phone was tony my new phone is space. not sure what it’ll be soon. >w>;; considering i need to redownload all the stuff i got off tumblr. :’( i lost all my snapchat stuff, but i moved all of izaya to my computer so that’s fine.

9: name the last four beds you were sat on?

what??? O_o; um... a homeless shelter’s bed and other than that they were all my own??? (not counting the “bed” made of sheets at the one place.)

10: do you like your phone?

i just got a new one!! uwu It has 32GB with it’s own internal storage and I have a 32GB sd card. nwn;; So I have a lot of space~! plus it has a fingerprint sensor and im in love with unlocking it like that owo

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned?

prolly not, but when do they?

12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

sammy! bc we both got new phhones!

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?

i heard poodles have bad temperaments!! idk about rottweilers!! whichever one is nicer??/

14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

emotional!! physical heals!! short time span for pain! emotional might not go away!

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

DONt mmake me chosoelk??! i love both!!! i lovemy fluffy butts and i went to the met in new york!!! it was so cool!!! swords!! armor!! egypt!! aahhhh!!! i cant choose!!

16: are you tired?

im always tired!!!

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact?

um... well it’s sammy

so uh, ten years in march owo (technically december was the first time we met!! but we count it as march since that’s when he started talking rly)

18: are they a relative?

no!!

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

it depends on if they changed their personality!! if not then no!! i mean i did get back with sammy but yknow we just count that as a break since we did actually get back together lmao

20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

this morning!! she is at work so she’s not too talkative rn!

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

we’re fine with what we’re at!! i don’t need to marry her to make it ‘official’!! we’ve lasted almost 9 years and through some big hardships!! both of us unmedicated and dealing with new medication changes, so i think we’re fine!!

22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

of course!! :P

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

two!! my blue sylveon bracelet (i love sylveon, i would wear umbreon but i think i packed it!!!) and my pride rainbow bracelet! i took them off when we were looking for a shelter bc i was scared we’d get denied if they saw obvious gay signs :(

24: is there a certain quote you live by?

not directly!! something along the lines of that there is no set path in life you have to choose which ways you want to twist and turn and they’ll lead you onto new and bigger things.

25: what’s on your mind?

music! stuff for my phone! i have a lot of stuff i need to add to eeet!! it’s only a day oolllddd.

26: do you have any tattoos?

yes! it’s for my kitty who passed away! Her name was luna. I’m sure i’ve posted a picture somewhere.

27: what is your favorite color?

#00C5FF

28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

prolly tonight. owo

29: who are you texting?

Sammy owo

30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

probably?? lol what.

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

YES ACTUALLY D: idk if it happened any other time, but when we got into the car accident when I told our one friend we were joking about her coming up and hanging with us all my brain said was ‘You shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have done that.’ and again when we went out to the car and it was pretty heavy snow fall. I was like ‘I shouldn’t go.’ my problem with that one was I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t think ‘we shouldn’t go’. but... what can you do now?

32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

um. i don’t think i have a super close opposite sex friend. closest would probably be @h0bsyrup

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I’m sure Sammy does. >w> I’m not sure otherwise. My followers don’t tell me that stuff.

34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Yes omg. Sammy was staring me in the eyes the other day and was like ‘your eyes are pretty’ and i’m like ‘omfg shut up >//

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

if they’re not dating then she’s gonna punch their lights out, so i don’t have to worry.

36: were you single on valentines day?

November 24th, 2008 is when I started dating Sammy. You tell me.

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed?

... of course?? wtf is with these kiss questions.

38: what do your friends call you?

Kiki :D

39: has anyone upset you in the last week?

lil bit.

40: have you ever cried over a text?

Um... probably. I can’t remember.

41: where’s your last bruise located?

omg... um i guess undermy belly button is the latest bruise??? i have a lot atm from surgery and being motionless for four days!!

42: what is it from?

Sammy actually like harshly pushed on that area. like when you go to land somewhere with your full weight then you go ‘oh fuck’ yeah.

43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

um... recently??? but i guess not as bad as with my mom.

44: who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Sammy owo

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

Nah.

46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

No.my hair style is like 99% bun.

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style?

i dont follow trends i set them.

48: do you make supper for your family?

not recently but i would for sammy and i usually

49: does your bedroom have a door?

i don’t have a “bedroom” atm e.e

50: top 3 web-pages?

tambo.c0m (tumblr), archiveofourown.org (ao3), youtube.com (the three i use the most anyway)

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Sammy. xD at least food shopping.

52: does anything on your body hurt?

Abdomen. (:

53: are goodbyes hard for you?

it depends. if it’s unnecessary then prolly. if they’ve fucked me over idc. (i.e. my family trying to replace my mom’s abusiveness, fuck them.)

54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

prolly water owo

55: how is your hair?

it’s feeling fine, thank you for asking!

56: what do you usually do first in the morning?

it depends! if it’s my “morning” i wake up and usually bathroom.

57: do you think two people can last forever?

sure but it takes work. it’s not gonna be perfect 24/7 without communication or compromise.

58: think back to january 2007, were you single?

ye. omfg why would you give me nightmares. that’s when i started the rping side of myspce and met that douche wesley. his lying ass made me start self harming. fuck him.

59: green or purple grapes?

i don’t eat grapes .w.;;

60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug?

sometime in the future! prolly sammy!

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

in an apartment. >w> or at the pompeii exhibit!!!

62: when will be the next time you text someone?

possibly today

63: where will you be 5 hours from now?

lying in bed. :D

64: what were you doing at 8 this morning.

struggling to be alive. (eating chocolate chip muffins)

65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked?

oh god. w8 no. i didn’t like anyone yet. that started like october or shit. ugh my ex. he became an ass. (aside from sammy obvs)

66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

sammy!!

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today?

um... i don’t think so. i think we were both too tired and stressed. we didn’t get into bed until like 1 and the shelter has us be out of beds by 8:30 x3x;

68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

um... ‘i should go back to sleep’ after waking up a third time and distracting myself with the phone

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

yeah,but at least i tried.

70: how many windows are open on your computer?

it’s not *my* computer, so it doesn’t count! ;D (8 but im downloading music stfu)

71: how many fingers do you have?

i have 10. my one pinky counts as a half finger sometimes though. i broke it and bc i didnt have insurance i never went to a doctor to get it fully take care of so it healed up all wrong.

72: what is your ringtone?

default at the moment!

73: how old will you be in 5 months?

oh fuck i’ll be 24. man if you asked me that back in june i’d be like ‘still 23 (;’ but no. my bday is december

74: where is your mum right now?

She passed away. :/

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

I realize that as much as I wanted to believe it was love, it never fully blossomed into that until I was with Sammy. I don’t think I’ve truly ever gotten to love anyone else, but that’s okay.

76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

of course owo sammy and i are hella gay don’t u know.

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

i believe so owo we just don’t talk as much bc im a lazy sack of shit.

78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

fuck. i think i had a minor crush on some dude who also liked green day but never fuckin talked to me so i never bothered. that might’ve also technically been when i started liking wesley. does billie joe from green day count?

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike?

personally? uh.... i’m not totally sure o-o; fuck me man.

80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

probably wait yes. sammy. spooning is our fave position.

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months?

e.e no one that wasn’t a celebrity. 

82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

no bc shelter e.e

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight?

:P i talk to them everyday.

84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

i wouldn’t get drunk! i wouldn’t scream at ppl! that’s rude! ppl usually can’t even hear you when you yell at the window! we hear ‘whoosh’ with your voice in the middle’

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care?

i would be concerned since she’s said she doesn’t like them!!

86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

um... oh! a conversation started and a lil girl asked if we were in a certain theatre and I said ‘no we were in theatre blah’ so I asked what they went and saw. She said “Wonder Woman” “hey we just came out of that, too!” :P

87: who was your last received call from?

.3.; sammy

88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

i-i’m torn??? i needm oney but poor butter-san... ;____;

89: what is something you wish you had more of?

money. clothes maybe

90: have you ever trusted someone too much?

yeah. lmao.

91: do you sleep with your window open?

i usually do! esp in the winter/summer! need air and love cold!

92: do you get along with girls?

ye!

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

no. owo

94: does sex mean love?

no! sex is something that can bring someone closer, but it is not necessary for a relationship! 

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

>3>;;; again, no.

96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

owo; indirectly. i shared a drink with someone who had one. xD

97: did you sleep alone this week?

not this week! :D last week. ;~; at the hospital.

98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

yes. >3>

99: do you believe in love at first sight?

no!!! that’s not love!! you might end up loving them but you can’t love someone unless you know them!! :c otherwise it’ll lead to some bad decisions!! D:

100: who was the last person that you pinky promise?

OwO Sammy I think.