#i’m chewing glass over this idea that spiralled out of absolutely nowhere

[daylightdunbar]

the brainrot is brainrotting because how did i get from my jealous!theo fic to an entire college/fake dating thiam universe with background gwayden and besties liam and hayden

having a big girl job is sitting in the office and having google docs open in another tab writing a thiam fic

[davegrubaugh25]

No Title

IDK what happened last night? 

I feel as though I had a mental breakdown and bawled my eyes out in the arms of my girlfriend! I felt like such a failure, like what is happening to me and I have no idea why it occured or what is behind things? She had mentioned something about how was concerned about my diet and the food i had been eating. and for some reason I spiralled into a very dark place because of it??? 

Then out of nowhere I just started crying and felt like i’ve been hurting her unknowingly all this time! and i’m having a very hard time with this! I know we both haven’t been eating as healthy as we would have liked to. I know that things aren’t the healthiest in the burns household and it’s hard because I don’t want to be rude. i feel bad bringing it up but I feel hurt becaue Alena is eating just as bad and yet she is so concerned about my eating habits and she just txt me now saying she wa picking up food at mcdonalds! I know that now is not the time to bring it up to her but i’m like what the heck? she gets on me about eating pizza with ranch on it, so then I feel bad and starve myself last night because I didn’t want to hurt her and then she goes and gets mcdonalds? I know that I am speaking out of anger and being hurt right now but now i’m afraid that secretly she is going to be thinking about everything that I eat and it’s going to drive me nuts!!! God this is hard because I love this girl soo much and I don’t want to say anything negative about her but I feel resentment, I feel hurt, and I feel she’s been hyprocritical and now i’m scared that she is going to secretly judge me for any kind of food that I eat and then i’m gonna feel bad and then not eat. God give me wisdom in this and help me figure out what to do? where does this end? is she going to get on me for drinking coffee? a glass of milk? an occasional soda? ice tea? am I just forced to eat and drink bread and water? and become a vegan? God I am just trying to get these thoughts out of here because I need my mind to be able to function! right now it’s clouded and i feel like I cant’ focus on anything until I get these things out! 

Jesus, my question now i why did I react soo heavily and extreme last night? what is behind that blubbering mess that has been soo severely wounded that it manifested like that? God give me clarity on this because I am soo lost! 

Let’s start with food. from a very early age I was never allowed to have anything! I was told not to have any junk food, or desert, etc.... but then my mom snuck everything to us behind my dad’s back. I had no say or control in this and it was a very toxic environment! and I still can’t believe how much it has affected me to this day! and it scared me soo much last night that that happened to me and I was an absolute mess! it didn’t help that Jim came in and then i felt like I had to cover everything up and put on a faucade either! so my dad eventually found out that my mom had been sneaking us stuff and it blew up and i’m sure she had to deal with the rammifications of it and it probably still has resentment from her about this! but how would it be my fault if that was the case? I apologize God for all these things coming out jumbled. 

So I just realized that because my dad felt like I was fat growing up, and that he would alway mention something about how I was overweight that I decided to skip meals to make sure I looked thinner, or that my stomach was not so pronounced. I guess I still have that habit? I still do it? if I know i’m going to hang out with you i’m afraid to eat a lot before I see you cause then i’ll look fat! or If I chew too loud or eat too loud then i’m going to be labled as fat or people will look at me like i’m a glutton! I guess I have body issues of my own?? I feel like i’m ugly, fat, and if someone were to see me for who I really am they would be soo disgusted by me that they would run away in utter horror!! this isnt’ helped by comments from pator zamora about how hairy I am and that I don’t want to see you without a shirt on etc... or make comment about my weight and poke fun at me becaue of it! it wa very cruel! and i have been very hurt by it! I remember reading some book when I was a kid and it mentioned how the first thing he did was go to the fridge when he woke up and get something cold to drink so that he could have something in his stomach. well when I did that a lot of times in the morning when I wa younger I was reprimanded (especially when it occurred during a time that was inconvenient for other people) examples.... when they needed help to leave to get to work, or when they got home or needed me to do something. it was basically screw your needs, your not important, forget you! and I am more important than you! so i guess because of this I have developed an issue with food? so I wouldn’t eat in the monring, then I would make up for it later in the day? I got reprimanded for using money to buy food, and that I wa being wasteful! well I understand about eating out all the time is not a good thing! but we were going through financial struggles and I figured that if I paid for things myself and they didn’t have to buy a much food that maybe they would be able to save the house for another month maybe? maybe things would finally turn around financially so that we would be fine! I had soo much pressure put on me at a very early age worrying about whether or not we’d have a roof over our head, or whether or not we’d have food put on the table. then on top of that worrying if my mom would scream and be upet about an argument and listen to her trash my dad for hours to me! it didn’t help that I had to listen to some of the same thing from my dad either!I just grew up in such a toxic environment and I feel like I alway have to convince people that it was true, that I actually experienced things becaue i’m afraid that they won’t or don’t believe me when I say it! it’s maddening! doe anyone realize how ridiculous it is to tell someone that they can’t have maple syrup on their pancakes until they’re 21 year old? when that same person will turn around and drench it with it?????? I’m scared to death that this is going to affect my kids, or what if I have an episode like that in front of them then they’ll think that their dad is a complete failure and a blubbering mess!!!

I guess these things have a much deeper root than I would have ever realized and I am soo scared that even still if someone gets close to me and sees how broken I am that they are going to run! cause they’ll find that I am not worth it! 

God I am soo broken! and I realize now more than ever how deep that brokenness goes!!!! I ask for your help! take away this pain Jesus! take it all away! I don’t want to feel this way! God I want to feel normal! I want to feel whole Jesus! I don’t like thi feeling of helplessness! I got so scared last night because I felt like I had no control over my own body! I felt completly numb, and I felt like I was going to snap at any moment! and if i did I would’ve hurt Alena! 

God help me moving forward!!!