#i’ll shiv you in your sleep.

[swiftmitsu]

If I were to fist fight melon in a dennys parkinglot at 3am how would you react?

-Idiot anon (I'm haunting you now)

M.

MELON???

TUMBLR FAMOUS CAKESMELONS THE ARTIST⁉️‼️

sorry im defending my babe.

FIST FIGHT ME FIRST BRO ILL THROW THESE FISTS FASTER THAN A SPIDER ON FIRE

[wambsgansshoelaces]

hi, i think u did a similar one already but could i get a hc on how succession characters react to their s/o crying? about feeling sad , or stressed , or losing a loved one , idk , just something mildly serious. i wasn't feeling great today and i started crying and my sister told me to stop crying and was like mean af to me and i could use some gentleness and affection :|

aw anon im so sorry :( I know I’m really late with this but I hope you’re doing much better <3 I’m always here for you in my ask box or pms!! your sister is an asshole you can cry whenever you want all of your emotions are valid and I love u u are so worthy

I hope these make you feel happy <3 enjoy x

serious issues (succession main cast)

Kendall

ᝰ when he notices your mood is off, he immediately goes solemn

ᝰ while if it were something smaller, he’d leave it and let you come up and talk to him on your own

ᝰ but he can tell it’s bad

ᝰ and he’s not going to let you stew in this by yourself

ᝰ he will help you

ᝰ whether you want him to or not

ᝰ he gets you a glass of water

ᝰ and forces you to drink

ᝰ then sits you down and makes you tell him what’s wrong

ᝰ when you do

ᝰ rather, when you burst into tears in his arms

ᝰ he can’t help but feel horrible

ᝰ he cradles your face in his hands and kisses away your tears

ᝰ he apologizes over and over

ᝰ he’s rubbing your back the entire time you tell him what’s going on

ᝰ “cry it all out. i’m right here.”

ᝰ he talks you through it

ᝰ he’s cosplaying his therapist

ᝰ if it was a death, he gets the name of where the service will be held and pays for it in secret

ᝰ over the next few weeks, you can just show up in his office and cry on his shoulder

ᝰ and he won’t ask any questions

ᝰ he always lets you

ᝰ the night you tell him, he keeps an arm hooked around you, keeping your head to his chest

ᝰ he plays with your hair and strokes soothing patterns into your skin for the rest of the night

ᝰ as you recover emotionally, he makes sure to check in on you

ᝰ even long after the incident, you both make sure that you have no bullshit check ins with each other

ᝰ “how are you really”s

ᝰ he makes it clear to you that he will always support you

ᝰ and you’re glad

Roman

ᝰ not really the best with words

ᝰ or emotions

ᝰ or being serious

ᝰ however

ᝰ the only time(s) he is 100% serious is when you’re severely upset

ᝰ the first time it happens, it’s like he stops breathing

ᝰ “hey, come here. something’s wrong. i need to know what.”

ᝰ you tell him

ᝰ it’s the hardest you’ve ever cried

ᝰ the entire time, he grips your hand, gently stroking the back of it with his fingers

ᝰ he’s never been more focused on anything in his life

ᝰ he wishes he could help talk you through it, but he’s physically incapable

ᝰ so what he does is murmur a few comforting words then take you out on a boat ride

ᝰ because of course he has a miniature yacht on call

ᝰ “you can relax, take your mind off everything. i’ll take care of things, don’t worry.”

ᝰ the rest of the day is spent the two of you cuddled together, looking out over the water

ᝰ he doesn’t say anything

ᝰ he feels bad because he doesn’t know how to help you sort through your emotions

ᝰ because god knows he can’t

ᝰ so instead, he spends every waking moment with you, at your beck and call

ᝰ regardless, he’d do anything for you

ᝰ incident or not

ᝰ he listens to you when you talk, of course

ᝰ he just can’t give you any sound advice

ᝰ the nights on the boat, when you’re at your most vulnerable, he makes sure you fall asleep before he does

ᝰ so that he can kiss you to sleep

ᝰ and make sure you fall asleep soundly, feeling safe

ᝰ he’ll never be happy unless you’re happy

Shiv

ᝰ she notices something’s wrong, but doesn’t say anything at first

ᝰ when you don’t come to her at all and instead stay holed up in your room, that’s when she knows something is really wrong

ᝰ she crawls up onto the bed with you, and you feel her hands smooth up your back

ᝰ “what’s wrong? tell me.”

ᝰ does not leave you alone until you do

ᝰ listens intently

ᝰ literally memorizes what you’re saying so that she can help fix things

ᝰ the entire time you’re speaking, she massages at your skin to soothe you

ᝰ and it works

ᝰ thumbs away your tears when they fall

ᝰ she refuses to let you go through this alone

ᝰ she helps talk through your issues

ᝰ nonstop reassuring you that everything you’re feeling is perfectly valid

ᝰ and telling you that if you’re upset, she’s upset

ᝰ and that she’ll stop at nothing to make you happy again

ᝰ in all honesty, she’s extremely inexperienced with cooking and baking

ᝰ but she figures it out just for you

ᝰ she makes you a fudge with strawberries and raspberries frozen into it

ᝰ and it’s surprisingly really good

ᝰ your tears ease as the two of you eat together in bed

ᝰ you’re still sniffling when she gently urges you to lay your head in her lap

ᝰ even when you’re this upset, she’s utterly mesmerized by you

ᝰ your lips when you chew, your cheeks, the plush of your thighs as your pajama shorts hike up your legs

ᝰ “i know it’s hard, babe. i’m here. i’m not leaving.”

ᝰ and she doesn’t

ᝰ she’s at your side for the rest of both your lives

ᝰ she holds your hand through all of your difficulties

ᝰ she always listens, always helps you with your issues

ᝰ she’ll never, ever, let you suffer on your own

ᝰ she wishes she could take your pain from you

ᝰ you’re her sun and moon

Tom

ᝰ the personification of a massive teddy bear

ᝰ when you’re upset, he’s in SHAMBLES

ᝰ he swears he can feel your pain

ᝰ he soothes you every way he knows how

ᝰ he keeps you close, rubbing his hands up and down your sides

ᝰ he makes you your favorite meals

ᝰ refuses to let you do any chores

ᝰif it was a death, he organizes these massive baskets to be delivered to everyone affected

ᝰ and the biggest one goes to you

ᝰ it has all of your favorite sweets, a bouquet of beautiful flowers, a blanket

ᝰ and a love letter detailing how you’re the strongest person he knows

ᝰ and that he loves you more than anything

ᝰ of course, he gives you space if you ask for it

ᝰ but he’s always concerned for you anyway

ᝰ he gives you your time to recover while slowly helping you along

ᝰ after a couple weeks of leaving you be and taking care of you at home, he starts making you go out with him

ᝰ “we’re getting you used to things again.”

ᝰ he stays at your side through all of it

ᝰ will always let you vent to him

ᝰ and always does his best to give you advice and help you through your issues

ᝰ every night is spent the two of you chatting about your days

ᝰ making sure the other is really okay

ᝰ his arms are always warm

ᝰ your bed even more so

ᝰ he always makes sure you’re feeling warm and fuzzy

ᝰ he just loves you so much

ᝰ he’ll never let you go cold

Greg

ᝰ when you start freaking out, he also starts freaking out

ᝰ but he gets himself together

ᝰ because you’re a big deal to him

ᝰ and he loves you

ᝰ so he’ll do everything he can to help you

ᝰ in his own way, of course

ᝰ he honestly sucks at talking you through things

ᝰ but he listens to you

ᝰ he loves listening to you

ᝰ after you tell him what’s going on, he pulls you into his arms

ᝰ he just hugs you for a while

ᝰ he doesn’t let go until you do

ᝰ and you only do that to go to the bathroom

ᝰ when you come back, he has a favorite movie of yours pulled up on the tv

ᝰ “why don’t we watch? I think you could use the brain break. relaxing is good for you.”

ᝰ he keeps you pulled tight against him

ᝰ softly stroking your hair, your neck, your shoulder

ᝰ he’s just hoping your mood is shifting

ᝰ which it is

ᝰ he’s not the best with words

ᝰ and he’s not exactly sure if what he’s doing is helping

ᝰ but bottom line, you know he cares

ᝰ and he wants to help, needs to help you

ᝰ he spends the next few days doing his best to make you feel loved

ᝰ he makes you lunch to take with you to work

ᝰ he makes sure your favorite snacks are always stocked in the pantry

ᝰ always asks things along the lines of “do you want coffee? iced tea? I’ll make anything for you” even though he doesn’t know how to cook or bake anything

ᝰ but he figures it out

ᝰ because the only thing that makes him happy is you

ᝰ and he’ll fucking die if he sees you crying again and he can’t help you

ᝰ his world revolves around you

ᝰ and he loves it that way

Stewy

ᝰ honestly, you being so viscerally upset puts him off

ᝰ his world falls off balance

ᝰ demands you tell him everything

ᝰ keeps your face sandwiched between his hands as you talk

ᝰ his eyes never leave yours

ᝰ he nods, makes soothing noises

ᝰ “okay, here’s what we’ll do. we’re going to go have fun tonight.”

ᝰ he takes you out for dinner

ᝰ the entire night he’s just like eyeing you trying to see if you’re still upset

ᝰ in reality, he’s just a smooth talker

ᝰ he has no idea how to actually get serious

ᝰ so now his efforts are put into making you feel better

ᝰ when you pick at your food, he takes your hand

ᝰ and tries to be profound

ᝰ “I know I kind of suck at this whole handling things seriously thing, but I want you to know I’ll listen to anything- everything you have to say. I don’t… you’re not going through this alone, is what I’m trying to tell you.”

ᝰ it comes out really messy

ᝰ but it’s obvious he cares

ᝰ it’s obvious he loves you

ᝰ and that in of itself makes you feel leagues better

ᝰ you decide to walk off your dinner

ᝰ you both take a stroll, hand in hand, through the streets

ᝰ the night chill is strangely calming

ᝰ but you know that’s just stewy, not actually the chill that’s making you feel at ease

ᝰ “we can try stargazing tonight.”

ᝰ “stew, all I can see when I look up is smoke.”

ᝰ because you literally live in new york

ᝰ where rats live everywhere rent free

ᝰ “we’ll just have to drive out somewhere, then.”

ᝰ he actually does

ᝰ the two of you end up in a bit of a rural area sitting in the trunk of his car

ᝰ he spread out blankets and brought pillows and everything

ᝰ he even stopped at a gas station to get you both slushees

ᝰ in the gas station you both mixed flavors

ᝰ and he keeps stealing from you

ᝰ but it’s okay

ᝰ you’re leaning against him, his fingers are in your hair

ᝰ “I’m sorry I couldn’t help more.”

ᝰ “you’re helping me lots.”

ᝰ you give him a kiss

ᝰ “your lips are all blue, stewy.”

ᝰ “the blue raspberry is just really good…”

ᝰ you turn back to the stars

ᝰ but his eyes aren’t even on the stars anymore

ᝰ they’re on you

ᝰ and if he had it his way, they’d never leave you again

[the-west-meadow]

hi! hope youre doing good! could I request Lukas Matsson x reader fic with the prompt “why are you awake right now”

im in love with your writing!

so thankful for the Lukas love. got carried away again, 18+ only!!

Lukas Matsson x (fem) Reader

prompt: Why are you awake right now? 18+ ONLY

In an unexpected twist, you spent your first night in Stockholm stranded at Lukas Matsson’s estate with the Roys. A torrent of icy rain had made travel to your hotel nearly impossible, so Lukas had diverted you to his house. He called it your welcome party to Sweden. 

At two in the morning, you were still wide awake. You could hear the sound of a TV from behind Roman’s door, Shiv on the phone with Tom, and total silence from Kendall’s room. As his assistant, you were basically always on call. At least for now, you were off the hook and free to roam.

The house was otherwise quiet, with the sound of icy rain pelting the roof. You wandered the dark halls barefoot. Of course the concrete floors were heated. Beyond dark kitchen, the light of a TV flickered from the another room. You peered inside then froze, looking in at Lukas himself, reclining on the sofa in only a white tank top and shorts. You started to turn and creep away, but it was too late.

“Is the TV too loud?”

You stepped into the room hesitantly, self-conscious in just a t-shirt and shorts. 

“No, it’s fine. I just got lost… on the way to the bathroom.”

“There’s one in your room.”

“Right.”

He gave you a curious glance.

“Why are you awake right now?”

“Jet lag. I never sleep anyway.”

Lukas nodded knowingly. 

“I’ve never met anyone I respect who sleeps well.”

He gestured towards the TV.

“Well, I’m watching Swedish dramas if that interests you.”

You padded into the room. There was no where to sit but on the sofa with Lukas. Tucking your legs beneath you, you took a seat at the far end. You blinked at the screen, where two Swedish detectives leaned over a body.

“I don’t speak Swedish,” you said.

“It’s okay. I’ll explain. By the way, have you tried any of our snacks yet?”

He held out a bag of gummies and you took one, examining it.

“What is it?”

“Bilar. It’s supposed to be shaped like a car.”

“It looks like a rabbit.”

"Yeah. Now that you mention it."

“What is that?” you asked, pointing at his soda bottle.

“Julmust. It’s soda we drink at Christmas.”

“It’s April.”

“I guess I don’t do things like normal people.”

“I could have told you that.”

He gave you another curious look, which turned into a grin.

“Sorry,” you said. “Jet lag. My filter is gone.”

“It’s okay. I've never had a filter. It gets me in trouble a lot.”

He gave you another glance.

“So can we agree to pass over all that small talk bullshit?”

“Fine with me. I don’t have the energy for it.”

“You can hit me if I say something shitty.”

“Sounds like you have something in mind.”

He sat up, putting aside the soda and candy. 

“I could have gotten you guys a ride to your hotel. But I wanted you to stay here.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I don’t know when we’ll have a chance like this again.”

His eyes passed over your bare legs. His arm was spread along the back of the sofa, lingering close to your shoulder. You felt the heat flush into your face. You had caught the looks he gave you at various events with the Roys, and yet this was the first time you had found yourself alone with him.

“Why didn’t you come to my room?”

“I wanted you to come to me.”

You stretched out your legs, grazing his lap.

"I've got all this energy I don't know what to do with," you said.

He slid one hand up your calf, creeping along your thigh. His eyes were fixed on you, watching your reaction.

"I think I can help with that," he said.

You took a sharp breath as his hand pivoted to the inside of your thigh. 

“I think the others are still awake,” you whispered. 

“Then you’ll have to be very quiet.”

He gently took hold of your ankle, pulling you towards him. You wrapped your legs around him, feeling him between your thighs, just the thin fabric of your shorts separating your skin from his. 

“Do you think you can be quiet?” he asked, eyeing your lips, your neck. 

“I’m usually not.”

He let out a low breath, brushing your hair out of your face. 

“I wish I could hear that,” he said. 

“What about you?” you asked, grinding into his lap. He tilted his head back, letting out a low moan. 

“Shh,” you said, then leaned over him, taking his head in your hands. As you kissed him, you felt him grind against you from below, growing harder. He grabbed your hair suddenly, pulling your head back.

“Whoever breaks first loses,” he said. You grinned into his lips.

“Deal.”

In one movement, he picked you up and lay you down on the sofa. He pulled off your shorts, tossing them on the ground, and nudged your legs open with his palm. He looked at you with a glimmer in his eye.

“I think I’m going to win,” he said. He stroked you between the legs with one long finger, gazing into your eyes. You threw your head back, biting your lip. 

“See?” he grinned. “You’re already so wet.”

“Fuck you,” you whispered. 

He slid the finger inside as you stifled a moan. Then with a wink he lowered his face between your legs. You felt his tongue hot and wet against you. 

“Oh my god,” you whimpered.

His other hand slid up your leg as his fingers moved slowly, rhythmically, in and out. You clenched your fists in his dirty blonde hair, meeting his blue eyes as he glanced up to see your reaction. All the while, the TV light flickered silently over your two bodies, pressed against each other on the sofa. 

“I’m still going to win,” you gasped. 

He lifted himself up, gazing down at you with his hair wild, breathless. He kicked off his shorts, buried his hand in your hair, and pulsed into you all at once.  

The moan that escaped you was beyond your control. You felt his entire weight on top of you, cradling you in his huge arms, as he teasingly put a hand over your mouth. 

“You lose,” he whispered. 

Not two minutes later, the door to Kendall’s room slid open. He peered out into the hall. Silence. Padding through the house, he made his way through the kitchen until he saw the TV flickering from the other room. 

He peeked inside. There you sat, side-by-side with Lukas, a blanket over your laps. Between you were several bags of snacks. 

“Hey guys,” he said uncertainly.

“What’s up, man?” 

“I thought I heard something.”

Lukas nodded at the TV. “Someone just got murdered. You want some snacks?”

It wasn’t hard to miss the fact that your hair and Lukas’s was a mess, several pillows had fallen to the floor, and your cheeks were flushed. You looked at him guiltily. Kendall caught your eye and gave a slight grin. 

“That’s okay. I’ll leave you guys to it.”

With a little wave, Kendall withdrew from the room, leaving you alone again.

“Poor guy,” Lukas said. “Guess he can’t sleep either.”

Then he tilted your face towards his and kissed you on the lips. His hand slid beneath the blanket.

“Now, where were we?”

[usmsgutterson]

Ethereally Broken- K.B x gn! reader

Okay! I said I was going to take a break over the next week but I was like “I could just write until I feel better” so that I did. My mental health tanked at random yesterday and I’ve been meaning to write a fic with this premise so writing it has helped quite a bit. The general premise is the fic genre thats like x amount of times character almost said y and the first time they did because I love that fic premise and genre and I figured it was time I wrote something using it. 

On a bit of a happier note, my requests are open until the 10th of August! Feel free to send in any ideas you have. I’ll be looking at them this weekend and through next week, and provided that my mental health doesn’t tank again, things should be smooth sailing. To those who have already sent in a request, I am looking forward to looking at the requests in my inbox and writing a couple of them out!

Fic type- this is heavy angst. I feel like shit and I projected like no fucking tomorrow so this fic has got it laid on heavily. 

Warnings- it’s never specified as depression but the reader goes through depressive episodes. This is not an attempt to glorify depression or depressive episodes but rather a work based on my experiences with it and with them, and if this fic is offensive in any way, please feel free to reach out and let me know so that I can make the necessary adjustments. SSRIs are talked about as well, there are mentions of bruises and dying, there is a mention of shivs, Kaz Brekker is a cat person in this fic and cats are present in this fic. I wrote how the reader experiences depressive episodes based upon my experiences with them, and Kaz might be a little OOC in this. 

THE FIRST TIME

Everyone in the Barrel knew you had a bit of a reputation with Kaz. You could communicate to each other with only glances, you were the deadliest weapons the Barrel had to offer, you were Kaz Brekkers one weakness and you stood at the heart of all of his strengths. 

But that did not exempt you from having your own struggles. You were not the hardened criminal it was easy to pretend you were, not the person who smiled and laughed at Jespers jokes, found subtle ways to tell Kaz that he was the love of your life and watched him for subtle echoes of the same. 

You had moments where all you could do was lay in bed and be completely and utterly unproductive. You had moments where all you could do was sleep and hope that the next day would be better. 

You had moments where you yearned for Kaz to tell you he loved you and he cared in more than three taps of his cane against the ground and your response--your fingers idly drumming on the table once, twice, three and then four times--and still, amidst your yearning, you knew it was the best you could get. 

So, when another of those moments came about, you were shocked to hear the sound of Kaz’s lockpicks moving in the lock you’d installed on the door of your second floor bedroom, and the second biggest in the Slat. You blinked at the sound of the locks and fought off your grin because you knew that Kaz would allow himself half a second to smirk before turning his face back to monotony. 

“Hello,” Kaz said. You turned to face him, eyes closing as you did.

“Hey,” you greeted tiredly. “Is everything all right?” 

“I came here to ask you the same thing,” Kaz said. “I mean--nobody has seen you at all this week. It’s like you haven’t left your room.” 

“Because I haven’t,” you said. “It’s just one of those times. Can’t do it if it would save my life.” 

Kaz knew what the words meant. They meant that you were getting bad again, and they meant that there was nothing that could be done to stop it.

Kaz took a step closer to you. He’d worked on his touch aversion in the two years since the Ice Court, but still. He was afraid that the waters would rise if he dared reach out. 

He couldn’t risk it. He wanted desperately to risk it. He could not risk it. 

“And, judging by your silence, you know exactly what that means for me,” you said. “Another week and I’ll be back to normal, I promise.” 

“No,” Kaz said. “No, you won’t. And you don’t need to be, Y/N. We can manage without you for as long as you need.” 

Kaz had always extended that courtesy to you and you had never listened. You would always find yourself at the beginning of the week that followed, forcing yourself out of bed and promising rewards for yourself for every task that you did.

For getting out of bed and going to the bathroom, you gave yourself a glass of the expensive brandy at the Crow Club. For brushing your teeth and taking a shower, you promised yourself a stack of waffles from the Kooperom after a job well done. 

For getting dressed, doing your hair, and popping a piece of gum into your mouth, you treated yourself to the acceptance of one of Jespers hugs when he offered it to you because your eyes still looked puffy from all of the crying that you had done throughout the process of getting up and getting ready. You let Inej take your hand and you believed her when she said you’d be okay, and you thanked Nina when she planted a platonic kiss to the top of your head and got you a glass of brandy. 

“You’ll see me in a week,” you said. “Now go. I respect you, Brekker, but not enough to let you see me wallow in my sorrows like this.” 

You had always extended that courtesy to Kaz and Kaz had never listened. 

Your room was small by the standards of those living in the Financial District, but even without accounting the space that the bathroom took up, it was decently sized. You had bookshelves lining all of the walls except for the one with the window, and a rocking chair with a blanket so that you could relax while you read had been placed in the far left corner of the room. 

Kaz went to the rocking chair and gave you a grin. “I have known you since we were nine,” he said. “You saw me at my worst. I am not afraid to see you at yours.” 

“Yes, but we’ve been together for two years now,” you said, eyes opening slightly to look at him. “And the general consensus for when you would get to see me fall apart isn’t until we reach our three year anniversary.” 

“Given that before we started dating I had known you for eight years, I think that we’re allowed to bend the rules a little bit.” 

You shook your head, closed your eyes, and scoffed. “Good night, Brekker,” you said. 

Kaz pursed his lips to stop his grin and reached up behind him, grabbing a random book from your shelf to distract his mind from the words that were at the forefront of it. 

I love you, he thought. Even when you’re at your worst. I love you, and I love you relentlessly. 

THE SECOND TIME

Kaz grinned a bit to himself as he heard the meow he’d long grown used to. It was the sound of a twelve week old kitten you’d been fostering since you found her in the middle of the road while on a job, and wherever she was, you were within close proximity. 

Kaz shook his head and tried not to scoff as the kitten jumped up onto his desk. 

“Have you given her a name yet?” He asked. “It’s been a month and a half. She needs a name.” 

“I was thinking Pumpkin,” you said, grinning at him as you walked into his office. “Because of the flame points on her ears and her nose. At worst she becomes Pumpkin Latte because of the cream coloring of the rest of her fur.” 

“Pumpkin is fitting,” Kaz said with a nod as Pumpkin the cat nuzzled against his hand. He was glad that he’d not thought to dip the pen he was using in ink in the forty five minutes that followed since he’d dipped it initially. If he had, it would’ve been a disaster and a half. “She’s sticking around?” 

“She has to,” you said with a nod. “Helps me sleep.” 

The words that remained unsaid lingered just as well. Helps me get up, too. If I don’t wake up to feed her when she wants, half of my belongings would be broken on my bedroom floor. 

Kaz nodded. “Okay,” he said. 

“You’ve got a job?” you asked. Kaz took notice of the dark circles that lingered under your eyes, and suddenly the fact that you had barely talked the week previous made a lot of sense. 

It was one of those times where you had gotten really, really bad and had wallowed within yourself the entire week before. You were at the point wherein you were promising yourself a cup of tea for getting out of bed and feeding the kitten, a stack of waffles for brushing your teeth and taking a shower, promising yourself an interaction with Kaz where you cherished his smile and stole a book off his shelf in exchange for getting dressed, combing out your hair, and telling yourself that it would be fine in due time because, like all things, it had to be.

“Something small,” Kaz said. “Ten thousand to each of us, a four person crew. Are you all right?” 

You approached his desk and scooped Pumpkin the cat up off of it, grinning as she ran her cheek along your finger and started purring. 

“Last week was the worst it’s been in a while,” you said. “But I have had tea and I have had coffee today, and I am dressed and I am somehow managing to stand here without worrying too much about anything other than the fact that we have known each other for a decade, we have been dating for three years, and you have seen me at my worst more times than I can even count.” 

“And you’ve seen me at mine,” Kaz said. “Though, to be fair, contrary to popular belief, I think that my worst was the period of time where my primary weapons were bottles that I’d smashed to use as shivs.” 

You laughed. Kaz relished in the sound of it. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. 

You gave a shake of your head. “No,” you said. “Not right now, anyway, but I will be. That’s how it always goes. Give it another week, Brekker, and I’ll be fine for the next few months.” 

Kaz wanted to reach out and take your hand. 

But the fear of the waters rising took over, and he did not. 

“So,” you said. “The job. Ten thousand kruge a person? You can count me in. When do we leave?” 

“Eight days time.” 

“That is perfect,” you said, grinning as you pressed a kiss to Pumpkins forehead. “I’ll see if Rotty can manage to take care of Pumpkin while we’re gone.”

“I would put a tad more trust into Anika,” he said. “She seems more like a cat person. Pim is probably allergic, and Rotty is definitely allergic. Plus, Pumpkin is addicted to attention. Anika will give her her undivided.” 

You grinned. “The cat hater has had a cat worm its way into his heart?” 

“I don’t hate cats,” Kaz said. “Pumpkin is just impossible to ignore, unlike most of the strays and ferals who walk the Barrel. She spilled my coffee yesterday because I was working and couldn’t let her nuzzle her face against the palm of my hand.” 

You laughed. Kaz’s heart picked up its pace briefly. 

“She knocked my brandy onto the ground yesterday because Nina wasn’t paying attention to her,” you said. “She’s ridiculous, but she’s also adorable, so they cancel out.”

Kaz scoffed, and you pushed the inkwell over to him. “Dip your pen,” you said. “Get back to work. You’ll find me in a booth at the Crow Club in two hours time if you’re done, because saints know you’re my best friend and I am just dying to be in your company. I will have brandy for you and Nina will be ready with a quip about your haircut if you’re a moment late.” 

You heard something close to a laugh fall from his lips, forced yourself not to notice or comment on it because doing so was an admission of caring as deeply about him as you did, and that was something you simply could not fathom. 

Kaz felt the words lingering on the tip of his tongue. The three words he’d been trying to figure out how to say to you for the entirety of two years at that point, but somehow never could. 

He knew that admissions of care in the Barrel were both incredibly risky and also few and far between as it were, but it was a risk that Kaz found himself willing to take. 

I love you, he thought. You and that silly cat who you’ve fostered for the past six weeks.

THE THIRD AND FOURTH TIME

Kaz sighed as you moved forward, pressing his cane against his hand lightly as he woke and found that the cane was whole again. He gripped the crows head and sat up in his spot, glancing at Jesper, who was chatting with Wylan as the seven of you waited out the Stadwatch in an abandoned building in the Warehouse District. 

“Jesper fixed it,” you said. “Free of charge, of course.” 

Kaz met your gaze. “And you’re all right?” 

“When am I not?” You asked with a teasing grin. The answer that was there remained unsaid. Every few months, when the sadness takes over and I get bad again. “All good, Brekker. How are you?” 

“I’ve been better,” Kaz whispered. “The winter is killing my leg, and I’m not who I’m concerned about. Is everyone else okay?” 

“Everyone is fine,” you said. “You’re the only one who came to significant blows, Brekker. Everyone else is either completely fine, or only slightly bruised. Worry about yourself for a moment.”

Kaz forced himself to press his back against the wall. “Stop downplaying it,” he said. “You could’ve died.” 

“Well, you know what, Kaz? You nearly did. Take inventory of your wounds and let yourself rest.” 

Kaz scoffed. “Doctors orders then?” 

“The orders of a person who cannot fathom living without you when you inevitably push yourself too far,” you said. “Don’t make me try to fathom that, Kaz. If I ask you nothing else, I ask you that.” 

Kaz gripped the crows head of his cane. He wanted to get up, to walk next to you as you turned away and began a conversation with Inej, but he did not. He only found the words as you had turned to face her, as a grin that Kaz had fallen in love with adorned your face.

“This is my worst,” he said. Inej gave your shoulder a squeeze and turned to talk to Nina and her Fjerdan, and you turned to look at him. “I lied when I told you what my worst was. This is it.” 

“There is no way,” you said. “No. Your worst is manmade--it’s Brekker made--this is not it. You’ve survived wounds before, Kaz.” 

“Be that as it may,” he said. “I have definitively gone through worse things than all of the damage I have done. This is my lowest where you are concerned.” 

“I watched you swim out of the reapers barge when we were ten,” you said. “That is your worst. Not this.” 

“Didn’t you think I was an eel?” Kaz asked. “Or a baby shark or something?” 

He was trying to goad you into laughing. 

You laughed. Kaz had the thought that, if he were to die that night, he could’ve died happily. 

“I thought you were an eel,” you said. “Not my finest moment, but to be fair, I was nine and the fact that I could’ve used a pair of glasses was not something I had considered.” 

Kaz glared at his gloves. Four years of working on his touch aversion and still, he couldn’t think of what would happen if he dared so much as touch your hand. Four years of working on his touch aversion, and still he feared that the waters would rise up until they swallowed him whole. 

“How are you doing?” Kaz asked. “With--the--”

“I’m the closest to falling apart while on a job that I have ever been,” you said. “My body finds ways to warn me. Oversleeping, drinking coffee in excess to try to stay awake, finding it difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. I get headaches, too, and all of that has come to a head today. Once I get home, I think that I am more than doubly due in for a bit of a cry to kick it off.” 

Kaz hated the fact that, despite all of the work he had done, he could not just reach out and grab your hand at a minimum. It made him wish he were dead, that the people you’d fought in pursuit of the items you needed to grab in the heist had done what they meant to and finished him off. 

But he steeled himself. He nodded. “I won’t book you in for two weeks at the Crow Club,” he said. “And we’ve got nothing of significance coming up for the next month, so if you need more time, you have it.” 

Normally, you would’ve protested. You would’ve said you’d pull through and you’d be fine, but you felt like complete and utter shit. Your body and your mind had begun to wage a war against you, and even though the fighting had only just begun, you already found yourself exhausted by it. 

“Thank you,” you said instead. “I’ll get you back for it, Brekker.” 

Kaz only shook his head. “You don’t need to do that.” 

Your relationship had been a culmination of saving each other and seeing each other at your worsts. It had been a culmination of having one anothers backs in a fight and bringing the other person tea when they were sick, bringing up food when the other hadn’t eaten and a whole world of reassurances packed into only a glance. 

It was complex, it was beautiful, it was watching one another as you fell apart and sticking around to pick up the pieces and put each other back together. 

“I do,” you said. “You need to at least let me say it for my own peace of mind, okay?” 

Kaz couldn’t think of what else could’ve been done, so he just nodded. 

“Okay,” he said. 

You pressed your forehead against the wall against which Kaz had his back pressed. Kaz glanced at you in time to watch a tear as it skated down one of your cheeks.

and there the words were, coming to the forefront of his mind as he realized that you needed to hear something comforting. 

I love you, he thought. I have to hope that I will never stop loving you. I do not know what I would do if I did. 

-

A day later, Kaz had come into your room and plopped Pumpkin the cat on your chest. You’d gotten the items you’d taken in the heist to the buyer and Kaz had told you that he would funnel your share into the offshore bank account that you used and told you that you could go if you couldn’t handle existing anywhere outside of your bedroom anymore. 

You stayed until the end of the negotiations, leaning on Nina as you all walked back to the Barrel. You did not join the six of them for drinks, only listened for the signature three taps of Kaz’s cane against the ground and tapped your fingers four times against the banister as you headed upstairs, to your room and to your bed and to the worst few weeks of your life that would come in the aftermath. 

“Hi,” you said. Pumpkin moved off your chest and instead objected to nuzzle her face against your shoulder, curling up on your right with her ear by your pulse point. “How was last night?” 

“It was fine,” he said. “Nina missed you, though. So did Inej and Wylan.” 

“I’ll send them my apologies, then,” you sighed, wished that you could’ve curled even further into your blankets. “I feel like shit.” 

Kaz gave a half laugh. You grinned as it reached your ears. 

Kaz approached the rocking chair, plucked a book off of your shelf. “I have seen you at your worst when it has reached a midpoint,” he said. “However, this is the first time I am seeing it at its beginning.” 

“And how is that making you feel?” 

“Are you a therapist all the sudden?” 

You laughed at that. Kaz glanced at the book as he opened it and did not try to suppress his grin. 

“You are the one person in the world who matters to me,” Kaz said. “I hate seeing you like this, Y/N.” 

“Is it because I am broken?” You asked. “If it is, I really don’t blame you.” 

“It is because--” he paused. He’d almost said it! He’d almost said the words that had been lingering on his lips for three years, but he did not. “Because you are you, and I have known you for twelve years, and I think that means I am allowed to hate it just a bit because I care about you by default.” 

“I guess so,” you said. “I’m a mess, but I’m an ethereal mess, so you don’t hate it because I am broken. You hate it because I am wallowing within myself and trying to fight my own mind and this is what is coming of it.” 

Kaz nodded. That was passable enough. 

He stayed until you had fallen asleep, genuinely getting invested in the book he’d grabbed from your shelf. As he left the room, he wanted to whisper it into the open air. 

He did not. The words remained in his thoughts, as they were meant to until the right time finally came. 

I love you, he thought. I love you and the ethereally broken mess that you are. I love you relentlessly. 

I LOVE YOU (THE LAST ALMOST)

Kaz found you and Pumpkin the cat on the bottom floor of the Slat, a book in your lap as Pumpkin took up most of the table. He gave Pumpkin the obligatory headpats she required and she jumped off the table with a trill, settling instead at your feet. 

“Hi,” he said. “You came back from Ravka early.” 

“Yeah,” you said. “I know you hate surprises, but I found an earlier boat and I couldn’t resist. Met up with a medik while I was there. I figured that I could try to medicate the bad days in ways that differ from whiskey and flaky pastry from the bakery on the harbor.” 

Kaz grinned. “And what happened with that?” 

“There’s a hospital with a pharmacy wing,” you said. “I have a prescription for a SSRI that is eligible for refills until I go to Ravka again next year. It won’t make the bad days go away completely, but it’ll help them be less terrible. I’ll still be able to function as a person when it gets bad and I won’t be sleeping my days away anymore.” 

“That’s amazing,” Kaz said. You’d been looking into SSRIs to treat your illness for two years, and you had travelled to Ravka to directly receive word on a heist that the royals wanted the Dregs assistance with. It had been happenstance, and happenstance had worked in your favor. “When do you start taking them?” 

“I get the prescription tonight, start taking them tomorrow. I was told that they can take up to four weeks to start actually working, but either way I am so relieved. It means that the pain will be more manageable than it is, and right now it gets so bad that I can’t manage it.” 

The words were right there. They lingered, as usual, at the forefront of his mind, and Kaz desperately wanted to say them. 

He did not. 

He reached across the table instead, took your hand in his. 

You glanced at your hands and then at him, waited for him to pull away as he tried to sense whether not he could feel the water at his ankles.

Expecting the water to rise was a given, but alas it did not. The water had not risen, and it was the first time that it had not risen in the course of his life. 

Kaz grinned. You grinned.

“Hi,” you said. 

“Hello,” Kaz responded. 

The words were shouted in his mind.

I love you, he thought. I started loving you when we were seventeen and I have not stopped since.

I LOVE YOU

Kaz was completely and utterly, absolutely and totally, calm as you walked through the building that you were about to preform the heist in. Jesper and Nina talked about the reward where Inej, Matthias, and Wylan were talking about the risks. You and Kaz were leading the group and not saying anything, rather content in your silence. 

The two of you came to a stop at the end of a very long and luxurious hall, stopping just before a staircase. 

“Rendezvous point,” Kaz said to the group. “Try and make it out of this alive and be there in two hours. We’ll take our haul to the boat and it’ll be with the buyer in two weeks time.” 

“No mourners,” Jesper said. 

“No funerals,” the group echoed. 

At that, everyone took off in their separate directions. You, however, had gotten the gift of going to your part alone, and as you and Kaz walked up the staircase that lead to a series of hallways, Kaz paused for a moment.

One second, he was looking at you and the next, you felt the barest touch of his forehead against yours. 

“Make it out in one piece,” he said. “I love you too much to have to bury you. Don’t make me try to fathom that.” 

You grinned as your gaze met his and he pulled away. “I love you too, Brekker. You die on me, I will bring you back to life and let Nina kill you for a second time.” 

Kaz grinned. You reveled in the sight of it. 

“No mourners,” he said.

“No funerals,” you echoed. 

As you and Kaz went your separate ways, he found that it was almost like he’d had a weight lifted off his chest. He’d finally said the words he’d been dying to say since he was nineteen, and he’d heard you say that you loved him too, and in a moment wherein he was driven by the love he felt for you rather than the greed he felt for the money that would come from the heist, he decided that it mattered just as much as the money would’ve. 

He loved you, and you knew it, and he knew that you loved him in turn. 

As he pulled his set of lockpicks from his coat pocket, he found that it was the one thought that persevered in his mind amidst thousands of others. 

[twinge-of-cosmicangst]

Did you catch up on some sleep last night?? 😴

I know you’ve been struggling to sleep King 🥺

Divorcing your wife yet King?? ❤️

She’s working with the swede 🙄

Want me foil her plans for you King??? 😈

Going to divorce my cousin yet?? 🥰

Want some cocaine King? 🥺

Shiv just threatened me about Matsson 👿

She suuuks lol 😩 I’ll treat you right 😤

Think me and Ken are besties again but don’t worry bby you’re still my no1 bff 😘

Next Day

You coming to the funeral?? It be wild so far 🤪

Divorcing her ass yet King?? 😅

She keeps giving me the stank eye looool 🙄

Divorcing her??? ❤️

Lmao Rome just had some sort of mental breakdown mid speech 😭

Divorce????🧎‍♂️

[cowgurrrl]

Everything Leads to You

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader (plus platonic fem!reader x Ellie Williams)

Summary: Who says grief and braiding hair can’t go together? [2.1k]

Author’s note: I’m not a fic writer but this was really fun to write and I thought other people might like to read it!

Warnings: grumpy Joel (what’s new), mentions of Tess, brief canonical type violence, ellie not knowing about restaurants, grief, lmk if I missed anything!!

“How do you do that?” Ellie asks as she sits across from you, still wrapped in her sleeping bag. You furrow your brows as you pull the hair tight to make sure that it won’t fall. 

“Nobody ever taught you how to braid hair?”

“I must’ve missed that lesson in FEDRA school. Maybe it was between learning to fucking kill Fireflies and running drills.” She snarks, and you roll your eyes. There’s no heat behind it, and she seems to know. 

Ellie has stuck close to your side since you left Boston, asking questions as you trekked to Bill and Frank’s. Joel is on edge. He hasn’t said much to you since you lost Tess, but you hear him mumbling and turning restlessly in his sleep. His shoulders are always square and tense, and he jumps at the slightest noise. You wish he would just fucking say something so you could talk about what happened. You may not have known her for as long as he did, but you still loved her. You lost her, too. 

“I can teach you if you want. It’s not hard.” You offer, and her eyes light up. 

“Really?” She asks. You nod and shake the braid out to start over. The fallen tree you're sitting on wiggles at the motion but doesn’t move more than that.

“C’mere,” You say. Ellie shuffles over as Joel turns from where he’s packing his things to give you a look. “What? I’m teaching her how to braid hair, not make a fucking shiv.”

“That’d probably be more worthwhile.” He grumbles. 

“It’ll take five minutes,” You say. He sighs and stands, wiping his hands on his jeans. 

“I’m going for a walk.”

“Aye, aye, Captain No Fun.” Ellie salutes. You can feel Joel’s eye roll before actually seeing it, and you can’t hide the smirk as he walks away, mumbling something under his breath. Ellie turns her full attention to you as you show her how to divide and pull the hair to make a tight braid. 

“You don’t want any hair to fall out because an Infected could grab it and use it as leverage,” you tell her as you redo your hair. She nods and watches your movements closely, trying to memorize the sequence. When you're done and your hair is tied off, you let her show you what she learned and watch as she tries (and fails) to braid her hair. She got so frustrated that you thought she was going to tear the hair out of her head. 

“You said this wasn’t gonna be hard!”

“It takes practice. C’mere, I’ll do it for you.” You say as you open your legs for her to sit between. Ellie settles in front of you, her knees pulled to her chest, as you brush your fingers through her waves. You secretly wish you had a real hairbrush, but do your best to be gentle as you tease days-old tangles out. 

“Has he always been so grumpy?” She asks.

“Probably not, but I can’t be sure. He won’t say it, but he’s going through a lot. We both are. It’s not an excuse, but it is a reason.” You say, pulling a burr from her thick hair. How did she not feel that?

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Go for it.”

“Were Joel and Tess, like, a thing?” She asks, and you sigh. You’re asking the question of the century, kid, you think to yourself. 

“I know they were like family to each other, but I don’t know anything beyond that. They were already partners when I came to Boston and weren’t too keen on labels.”

“You didn’t know them from before?”

“Nope. Tess was in Detroit, Joel was in Texas, and I was in my hometown. Somehow, we all ended up in the same place and started working together.” 

“Why did you come to Boston?” She asks. You take a deep breath as memories shutter through your brain like frames from a movie—the fear and confusion of Outbreak Day. Running north like your lives depended on it because they did. The nights spent smuggling and raiding any medicine cabinet you could find looking for a miracle. That last day full of smoke and blood and screams. You shake your head to relieve the sudden pressure building behind your eyes. Thank God she’s not facing you. 

“That… is a long, long story for another time.” Seems to be enough of an answer for now. She doesn’t push the subject further as you section her tangle-free hair into threes. 

“What did you do before the Outbreak? Like for work.”

“Guess.” 

“Probably something super badass like a fighter pilot or a sharpshooter.” She says, and you laugh— really laugh— for the first time since Tess died. Believing in any sort of afterlife is a slippery slope when death is always at your door, but you hope she can hear your laughter from wherever she is. You hope she knows you're doing your best to keep your promise. You hope she knows how much you miss her. 

“Close. I was a waiter.”

“What’s a waiter?” She asks. It’s weird to think she’s probably never been in a restaurant before, let alone know how they work.

“Waiters were people who worked in restaurants which were like big rooms where people would all eat together, and we had to give people their food and drinks and whatever else they wanted. If you did a good job, customers would leave money, and that’s how you got paid.” You explain, and she turns to look at you, her eyebrows knitted together. 

“The people who owned the restaurant didn’t pay you?”

“Well, they did, but not very much. I think I was getting paid two dollars an hour at my last job.” 

“Two dollars? That’s fucking ridiculous!” She practically yells, and you nod, a smile pulling at your lips. You want to tell her everything about before just to see her reaction. 

“It was fucking ridiculous. Now, turn back around so I can finish your hair.” You push her with your shins, and she turns around, still mumbling about two dollars. She gets quiet as you keep braiding. 

It’s weirdly relaxing, only to have to worry about her hair. Wind rustles the leaves around us as birds chirp above you. The air is cool, and the morning sun shines against her dark hair. It’s almost peaceful. You tie off her hair and smile when she takes the braid between her fingers and traces the crosses. She smiles back as she turns to face you, turning pensive at an alarmingly fast rate. 

“Do you think Joel blames me for Tess?” She asks, her eyes dropping to her hands before she can even finish her thought. As if she’s waiting for you to give her the answer she’s been afraid of since you left Boston. She looks so small and fragile. Like the wind could blow too hard, and it would knock her over.

“I think he blames himself. They protected each other for a long time from everything, and even if that didn’t always work out, they found a way to fix it. Her getting infected was the one thing he couldn’t fix, and I think that’s killing him,” You say, trying to keep your voice steady despite the tears threatening your lash line. This kid has a talent for making you cry. “What happened to Tess is nobody’s fault except the stupid fucker that bit her. She made a choice because she knew we wouldn’t be able to do what she wanted us to do, and we have to be okay with that. She would want us to be okay with that even if it’s gonna take some time.” She opens her mouth to say something more, but Joel coming back into the clearing cuts her off. 

“You two wanna paint each other’s nails while we’re here too, or can we start walking?” He asks as he pulls on his backpack. You and Ellie stand, wiping the dirt from your clothes, and walk over to him. 

“Knowing how to keep your hair out of your face could be the difference between life and death, Miller. I’m teaching valuable survival skills here.” 

“Mhm,” He hums, unconvinced. He looks at Ellie as she pulls her jacket on. “We’re gonna go check something out real quick. Be ready to go by the time we get back.” He doesn’t even wait for her to respond before he turns and starts up the path he came from. You sigh in annoyance but follow him anyway. You walk down to the river bank far enough out of Ellie’s earshot before he finally looks you in the eyes for the first time in three days.

“You know we have to take her to the Fireflies, right?” He questions, crossing his arms over his chest. You scoff and glance up to where you left Ellie. 

“Yes, Joel. I understand why we’re traveling across the country with a teenager.” 

“Good. Now, stop getting attached before you get hurt.” He says, and you balk at him. 

“Are you really that pissed I taught her how to braid her fucking hair?” 

“It ain’t about her hair.”

“Then, what is it about? “

“She’s a job. Something we need to deliver so we can move on with our lives.”

“She’s a kid. A scared kid at that, and you’re not making her feel better.”

“Oh, give me a fuckin’ break.” He groans as he walks away from you to pace, his hands on his hips. You cross your arms over your chest and tilt your head back to look at the puffy clouds. You're mostly trying to find the strength to put up his bullshit, but the view is nice, too. It’s silent as you think, the waves lapping at the rocks, the only sound around us. 

“I know you miss her-“

“Don’t.” He whips around to face you. His eyes are heavy and unreadable, the irises almost black. You wonder how long it’s been since he’s gotten actual restful sleep. The answer could range anywhere from three days to twenty years. You almost want to ask. You almost want to reach for his broken hand and tell him it’s okay. You almost want to wrap your arms around him and just hold him. Almost. You shake the buzzing ache for his skin out of your hand and focus.

“I miss her, too, but we both know she saw Ellie as way more than a job. She wouldn’t have done what she did if she thought differently,” You wait for him to get angry and lash out, but he just stands there, staring through you. “Taking care of her or, at least, treating her like a fucking human being is what Tess would’ve wanted. So, that’s what I’m doing. You can keep doing your stoic, pissy thing if that’s what you want, but you don’t get to control what I do, especially when it comes to her.” He grinds his teeth together for a couple of seconds while he thinks. A red bird swoops down and lands on a fallen tree branch not far and sings at us before flitting away. You had always heard that red birds like that were our dead loved ones coming to remind us they were not far away. You never really believed that, and you still don’t know if I do, but the memory pierces your brain with newfound importance. 

When your eyes meet Joel’s again, something has shifted. It’s slight and minuscule, but you recognize it from his arguments with Tess. He’s yielding without words. He’s trusting you. Your body relaxes, and he nods. The whole exchange lasted no more than five seconds but felt like an hour. 

"We can make it to Bill and Frank's today if we start moving now." He says as he walks past you, acting like your conversation didn't happen. You take a deep breath before silently following him. If he heard that stupid bird chirping at you again, he didn't say anything. In the same way, you don't tell him if you saw the stack of rocks on the shoreline.

*TUMBLR STOP DELETING MY LAST PARAGRAPH*

[moonlit-void-to-the-far-unknown]

Logan Roy would 1000% send his children to be institutionalised if they were more blatant about there mental illnesses.

Like all of the Roy family has sever mental illnesses let’s be real here how can they not growing up like they did.

But I see so many ‘being the youngest Roy sibling’ HC and I keep thinking about being the youngest Roy sibling and showing sever signs of bi polar or depression or schizophrenia *hey hey I have bi polar, depression and had schizoaffective disorder so I can say that shit ain’t fun* so here some Hc? Brain dribble about that.

So it’s under readmore and yeah also I am

Someone who has been in a psych ward many times *dont ask* so I feel qualified to make this.

Like they show signs of it being sever, sever and like they get dealt with, when there like a kid and Logan just punishes them like they are having tantrums. But by like maybe early to mid 20s it becomes very clear when they try to off themselves.

That’s when Logan says ‘fine we’ll deal with this the old fashion way’ and let’s just say the siblings are ya know sitting with the youngest Roy at Logan’s house when the men in white jackets come and basically yank them up and the whole time the others are screaming like ‘the fuck is going on?!’ And the youngest is just screaming for them to let them go and maybe even tries to grab onto Kendall or Roman or shiv while being dragged out.

After logan explains, your just going to a hospital that can better treat you, and help you deal with your mental state better.

Connor fully riots when he hears this happened, storms into Logan’s office with Kendall and Roman behind him trying to ya know stop the fight that’s about to kick off and Connor is fuming like

“You fucking bastard! You already locked my mother up, your once wife! But that’s not enough so you lock your fucking kid up?!” Like this is an anger I don’t think anyone’s ever seen in Connor.

And Connor is the one to visit you every day, he brings you things you may need, or just things he hopes you can decorate your little space in your room with.

Roman brings you like the things you can’t sleep with out at night, like a special stuffed animal or a blanket or pillow. He’s the one who jokes about you being the actual crazy one, and like he gets the need to deflect with dark humor.

Shiv is the one who brings you the clothes you actually would wear, and not the random stuff that Logan had a house keeper pack for you. When she first visits to bring them your in a full on hospital gown because you refuse to wear what Logan gave you.

Kendall is the most awkward when he visits because yeah he went to rehab but like, this is way more lock down and he maybe realises that this could have happened to him if he didn’t ya know get a control on his shit like he tries to.

You meet Tom while still in the ya know hospital and fully tell shiv if she marries him you have a free bed in your room if she needs it.

Logan basically 51-50ed you so like the resentment against him is real, it’s like not good.

You spend like a solid almost 2 years institutionalised. But when you get out, Connor has a welcome home party for you. Everyone comes out, except Logan cause Connor was not about to have that KO fight happen.

You have always been closest to Roman, not really sure why but you two just get each other better and oh the jokes you both make at each other, like makes everyone else so uncomfortable. When eating at the like welcome back dinner he switches your silver wear for plastic and you joke like

“Plastic can still hurt. Wanna see” and like he knows it’s a joke but everyone else gets that like uncomfortable vibe about them

“If I can’t joke about it, I’ll cry about it, so we joke yes? Do you want me to jump off the roof cause-“

Roman casually jokingly makes sure your taking your meds everyday like texts or calls or quips like

“So how’s today? You eat? Take your fucking crazy pills that make you see god or whatever…” like very obvious but very Roman.

I just, I have feelings alright…

[kendallroydefender]

Somewhere only we know- Chapter 8 (Kendall Roy x Reader)

Masterlist

Series summary: You met Kendall when you were six years old. You have spent every summer together and now years later you and him are still just as close.

This story follows Kendall and his best friend through their lives. Will they realize their feelings for each other before it’s too late?

Chapter four summary: Your family is invited to England for Shivs wedding. Even though the bear hug is going on, you and Kendall find some moments just for the two of you until something changes.

Authors Notes: I am so sorry! I’ll make it up to you sooooon

Wordcount: 4.5K

You meet Kendall at the airport. He’s already in the jet when you walk in. It’s just him and Jess. Everyone else takes their own private jet but Kendall had asked you if you wanted to come with him and you had happily accepted. You like Jess a lot too.

He has to do some work things and so do you. You know about the bear hug so he stays in the area of the plane with you while making calls and you answer emails on your laptop.

After a few hours you shut your laptop and cuddle back into the seat, Jess went to bed hours ago. You eye Kendall for a bit. He notices you looking ”Hey.“

”Hey.“ you smile back at him

”What?“ he asks

”Nothing, just happy you and Stewy have each other.“ you

”Yeah, well I’m glad we have you too.“ he answers you

”I’m glad to have you too.“ you grin and he grins back at you before beckoning you over to him

”We should sleep a bit.“

You cuddle up in his arms, head resting on his chest. He presses a kiss into your hair. You think 'I love you.' but don’t say it. Instead you move your head and press a kiss onto his cheek. A little too close to his mouth and Kendall holds you a little tighter. He hopes you don’t notice his heartbeat increasing. His fingers draw shapes onto your back and you feel incredibly happy in this moment. You hope the wedding will be nice for the two of you, his father isn’t there anyway.

When you wake up it’s close to landing and you freshen up in the bathroom really quick. A car is already waiting for you when you get out of the plane.

The drive over to where the guests will stay your head rests on his shoulder while Kendall is talking to Stewy, who will arrive in a few hours. He’s absentmindedly playing with your fingers while talking.

You get the keys to your rooms. Your bags will be put in your place without you, so you follow Kendall to his room. He keeps your hand in his the whole time, not caring who sees. You collapse on his bed, still tired after the long flight even though you’ve slept on the private jet. Kendall lays down with you until he gets a message from Stewy that he has arrived and want to meet him at some pub. You groan when Kendall gets up

”Sorry, honey. I’ll be back soon.“ he says in a low voice. Putting on his jacket and kissing your forehead softly before leaving. You drift off with a smile on your face.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••


You decide to drive separately to the rehearsal dinner, you’re coming with your family and he has to attend the church with his family beforehand to go through everything. You get ready for the evening. Its cold and grey out. You aware that Caroline somehow talked Shiv into doing the wedding here but you wish it could be somewhere warm.

You arrive with your parents at the location for the rehearsal dinner.

”Shiv, Hey!“ You give her a hug.

You talk to her for a little until a woman pulls her away to go through some details. Next you meet Roman who introduces you to an absolutely stunning woman called Tabitha. You talk for a little while until you spot Kendall. ”Excuse me.“ You smile at the curly haired blonde and make your way over to your friend.

”Hey, you.“ you smile while you are becoming more and more aware about how pathetic it is that you can’t go long without gravitating back to Kendall. He smiles back at you

”Dude, did you actually take Honey as your date for the wedding?“ Stewy asks his friend with a grin

”No, uh, no. We just both didn’t take a date.“ Kendall shrugs, it’s no big deal and doesn’t have to mean anything. Although he is glad you didn’t took some guy with you. He can’t deal with another Martin.

Stewy raises a eyebrow at him ”But you did come here together, right?“ he

”Yeah. But that’s just whatever.“

”So you haven’t asked her out?“

”Uh-huh, no I didn’t.“

He hasn’t told anyone about it but he actually is thinking about asking you out on a real date. It’s not a set plan yet but he thinks it could be a start. He has more confidence in not ruining your friendship with it these days. He has noticed that you don’t behave like just friends in the last months. Maybe Stewys words finally gotten to him. He wants to take you out to the best restaurant in New York City, no the best in the whole world. He wants to do something big for you. It has taken you such a long time to get here he can’t mess it up again.

Lately he thinks a lot about college when you two started to sleep with each other and he can’t help but ask himself how his life would look if you had come together back then. He had ran back then, not wanting to lose you by admitting his feelings. But history is history and he has the ability to change the future of you two now.

You sit next to him for the meal. The food is really good but that was predictable. You tell Kendall about some ridiculous client you had to deal with at work and he’s laughing. It feels almost careless and you love seeing the sparkle in his eyes. That’s until he overhears Shiv talking behind you in a quiet moment.

”Who’s coming?“ Kendall asks turning around to his sister

”Dad. And Marcia.“ Shiv answers him

”Wait- Dads coming… here?“

You swallow the soup while watching Kendall get up and follow his sister. You bite your lip, it could have been such a peaceful weekend.

Kendall takes his jacket muttering a little ”I’ll text you.“ To you to wich you give him a small nod.

Its evening and you still havent seen Ken for a while. He had sent you a message letting you know that he will be back for the party.

Toms parents tell you about the wine they bought and you tell them its delicious.

”Nate! Oh my god! Its been ages“ you tell him when you see him at the bar. You give him a hug. ”Hey, y/n.“ he greets you with a genuine smile. ”Wow it’s good to see you. Heard you work for the governor now, look at you!“ you tell him and he chuckles ”Yeah who would have thought huh? From partying in Shanghai to this. But you seem to do well too!“ you two reminisce about your times in Shanghai for a while and it’s nice to catch up with him.

You tell him to see him later and make your way away from the bar. You turn a corner on the way to the toilet. You run into the end of what seems to be a fight between Rava and Kendall. She seems angry as she leaves the scenes

”Hey, everything okay?“ you ask cautiously ”Yeah, I’m fucking fine.“ he says and you back off a little hearing his angry tone. ”Sorry… sorry.“ he says after a second, his hand giving your arm a squeeze. ”She was just trying to rile me up.“ you can tell that he’s high and you can imagine what their fight was about. You hum a little. ”Wanna go somewhere else for a moment?“ You ask him trying to get him into a quieter spot. He nods ”Yeah okay.“ You tell him to wait for you because after all you have to pee. When you open the door Kendall is nowhere to be seen. You huff out a breath but find him around the next corner talking to Frank and Gerri.

It’s dark when you step outside the venue. ”Do you- uh do you think it can work? Be honest.“ Ken asks you and you give him a look, he looks tired and a little stressed. ”Yes. I think it could. You and Stewy can do it. But it’s- it’s risky. But also I’m not a business freak like you so what does my opinion matter anyway.“ you smile a little ”Honey, you’re opinion always matters to me.“ he tells you and you are glad it’s dark so he can’t see you blush. He studies your face for a bit, there’s a strand of hair that has fallen on your cheek, he reaches his hand out to tuck it behind your ear. Your eyes snap up to meet his. He thinks it’s now he should ask you out. He opens his mouth but before he can speak he hears footsteps approaching.

”Any of you kids have a cigarette I can have?“ Caroline.

Kendall removes his hand from where it’s lingering on your cheek to get his pack out of his suit pocket.

”Yeah, uh, one moment.“ he notices that you still haven’t stepped away from him and he finds that he doesn’t want you to. So he pulls you a littler closer with his arm on your hip as he takes a drag. In the distance you can hear the faint sound of an helicopter approaching.

”Your father is making a subtle entrance I see.“ She says and you chuckle a little wich the elder woman notices and smirks at you

Logan and Marcia arrive and you stand beside Kendall, his hand ghosting over the small of your back. You spot Stewy talking to Logan before Logan makes his way over to you.

”Kendall.“

”Dad.“

”So, what about it, son? You want to jump out the trenches and play a game of soccer? Can I bring you some corn to get you through the winter?“

Stewy and you meet eyes, it’s the same slightly worried look only you two understand.

”How ya doin? Whats the news?“ Logan asks

”Oh keeping busy.“ Kendall answers

”You need a reference for your resume? Relatively punctual. Prone to bouts of insubordination.“ Logan asks and you have to fight the urge not to scoff

”Yeah, well, you know.“

“So… how long are you gonna fuck about on the outside?“

”Uh-huh. You recruiting? What, new head of being continually thwarted?“

”How would TV network suit you? Huh? One of the big guys when I land it. Could that work?“

”You feeling the heat on your own? Yeah? A little? You want me back? Like to uh, like to put that on a press release?“ Kendall asks

”Im just a lovely guy.“ Logan says before he walks off, as soon as he’s off you mutter a small ”Asshole.“ To wich you get a small chuckle from Ken.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

”Caroline Collingwood. Mother of the bride.“ Caroline interrupts your and Stewys talk ”Oh hi, im Stewy.“ He introduces himself ”And is this your date?“ she asks turning to Stewy, who chuckles a little. ”No.“ you shake your head with a smile as Stewy introduces himself. Wich is funny considering they’ve met multiple times before.

”So how long do you give it?“ She asks and you smile at Stewy in anticipation, he throws you a side glance before answering ”Uh I’d say forever. Or until Shiv goes away for the week, whichever comes first.“ He answers before walking off with you.

”You should take me as your date for this wedding. Maybe that would get Kendall to make a move.“ Stewy jokes ”Fuck off.“ you smile ”Jealousy works wonders.“ Stewy shrugs.

”Gonna talk to Ken quickly… about the thing.“ He tells you. You find him on a couch They talk about Frank and the Canadians. You only half listen - only when Stewy calls him the little prince you come back into the conversation. You laugh remembering his old nickname. ”Aw we should start calling him that again.“

”Yeah absolutely not.“ Kendall dismisses quickly

”Still cant believe you’ve never told me about that name when we were little! I had to find out in fucking college!“ You say with a laugh

”You shouldn’t have known it at all.“ Kendall says with a glance at Stewy.

”How could I keep this title a secret?“ Stewy shrugs

The evening is coming to an end. Guests are going up to their rooms. You are sitting with Kendall, who can tell that you’re getting tired.

”I, uh, I’m gonna meet the sibs but you can go to my room. I’ll- I’ll come soon“ he says

You smile at him, your chin resting in the palm of your hand, eyes wandering over Kendall’s features. You nod a little ”Okay, yeah.“ he grins back at you then, his heart beating a little faster. You get up and he wraps his arm around your shoulders, yours sneaking around his middle as you lean into him. You walk like this until you reach the elevators, there you part.

It’s later when Kendall comes back to his room. He smoked some weed with his siblings and it felt good, normal, like it did when they were teenagers. He takes off his clothes before coming to the bedroom. He lingers in the doorway. You are asleep in the bed, the moonlight hitting the side of your face perfectly. You look absolutely beautiful and he feels like his heart could burst.

In the morning you have room service in Kendalls room. It’s a few hours until the wedding ceremony and Ken has to leave even earlier to meet with Stewy to work out the details.

You quickly walk over to your room to meet your styling team and get ready.

The first people you see once you arrive at the venue are Rava and the kids. Rava says your name before telling you how good you look. ”Thanks, but wow you look so good too!“ you exchange some small talk before Sophie and Iverson come closer.

”Sophie, you look absolutely beautiful.“ you say as you hug the girl

”Thank you.“ she smiles

”And Iverson you look so handsome in your suit!“ you tell the boy. You walk in with the three of them.

Kendall gives you a nod across the room and you nod back knowing what it means. As soon as he’s out of sight your eyebrows furrow. You are worried how this will turn out.

The ceremony was nice. Not what you wanted for your wedding but well. You can’t help your eyes to drift towards Kendall from time to time. Remembering the conversation earlier where he told you he wanted you to sit with you. You both knew you couldn’t, Shiv would hate that and the press would love. You can’t help your eyes to drift towards Kendall from time to time.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Logan’s speech is first. You sit next to Kendall. With your parents close to you.

”This has been a very memorable day, a day that, well, ill never forget as long as I live. And

I wanted it to be perfect- perfect for Shiv. And it is. No one- no one can ruin this.“ You see his eyes landing on Kendall, who’s hanging his head slightly. You can’t stop yourself and actually you don’t want to stop, you reach your hand out under the table until it finds his. You interlace your fingers with his. He holds onto it as your hands rest on his thigh. Your thumb starts softly caressing his knuckles. The rest of the speech is about how nothing is more important than family. Frank comes over and whispers with Ken. The rest of the speeches go bye without another incident. Your hand is still intertwined with Kendall’s on his lap, now it’s his thumb stroking the back of your hand softly.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

You go outside with Stewy to watch the fireworks. You find it a little too much, a bit tacky to have them at your wedding. Kendall is still nowhere to be found.

Its cold but the show is pretty in the dark sky. When it’s over you turn to your friend while the others filter back into the location.

”Hey, Stewy? Have you seen Ken?“

”No, not in the last hour or so. But we got high and then he wanted more but-“

You stop him

”You got high? Together?“ you ask and Stewy nods as if it’s obvious

”You got high? With Kendall? After- after everything?“

Stewy says your name

”No, fuck you Stewy. Why are you encouraging him? Why are you giving him drugs?“ you ask. You can’t believe it. Stewy knew about Kendall’s struggle, hell he was there while Kendall went to rehab. You knew Stewy was still doing coke, even if he wasn’t addicted but you had always hoped he would support your best friend being sober anyway.

”Oh come on it’s-"

”No, you don’t get to tell me that it’s nothing or that I should calm down or whatever. He’s my best friend and I am allowed to worry about his other best friend giving him fucking coke when he knows what he went through!“ your voice is getting louder now.

”He would have taken it anyway, what does it matter if I’m present?“

You narrow your eyes at him ”Are you fucking kidding me? You where there! You saw him right before he left for rehab! You knew how proud he was on his progress with being sober! I’m sorry that he’s not your coke buddy anymore but you should be helping him! Not make this whole stupid fucking situation worse!“

Stewy is not saying anything and you take a deep breath. ”I thought you were a better friend than that.“ exhausted and disappointed is how you feel. You turn and walk away, shaking your head. You head back out into the main hall. Kendall is still nowhere to be found

Kendall is dancing with Rava and his kids and a small smile breaks out onto your face. You grab a flute of champagne from a tray one of the waiters carries. Stewy doesnt come back to the wedding and you can’t see Nate anywhere either. Connor is dancing with Willa and Roman just left with Tabitha so you can’t do anything except drinking your drink and try to avoid Caroline and Logan.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••

In the morning you wake up in your room you feel like a bus run over you. After a really hot long shower you put on some clothes and a little bit of makeup before you go to eat breakfast with the others. Stewy was still nowhere to be seen but it made sense that he wasn’t here. After the whole bear hug thing. You grab a plate and get some food from the buffet.

”Hey, Y/n have you heard?“ Roman asks you as he steps next to you

”That you haven’t killed anyone? Yeah you told me.“ you answer, he pokes at the scrambled eggs making a "bleurgh“ sound before saying ”No, the waiter. Apparently he drove off a bridge last night.”

Your brows furrow

”Rome, what are you talking about?“ you ask a little confused

”The waiter my dad went off on.“

”Oh fuck is he okay?“

”Well he’s dead.“ Roman says and your head snaps towards him

”Are you serious?“

He acts offended ”Who would joke about such a topic.“ before letting out a high pitched sound.

You go and sit down at an empty table.

Kendall stops at the entrance when he spots you. He thinks about how he had planned out this day, would he have already asked you out by now? He won’t tell you now. You deserve someone who can give you the world like you deserve and definitely not a murderer. He needs to let you go, to let you find happiness with someone else. He doesn’t deserve you anymore.

You sit down with a plate and pick at your food a little when you notice Kendall coming into the breakfast hall.

He looks bad too. As if he hasn’t slept at all. Kendall smiles a little at you before Greg approaches him.

Colin comes and takes him to his father a little after. As they walk past you he stops for a second at your table.

”Can we talk later?“ he asks and you can tell he’s nervous so you nod at him ”Yeah, of course.“

•••••••••••••••••••••••••

”So I’m sorry but I don’t have much time right now.“ Kendall opens the conversation as soon as he comes into the room

”Oh okay. So what did you want to talk about?“

”Actually, uh, I don’t think this is working anymore.“

”What do you mean?“ you ask genuinely confused

”This.“ he gestures between you two ”This friendship.“

You feel like a bucket of ice water has been dumbed over your head

”What? What are talking about?“

”You spoke to Stewy about me, so I, uh I don’t know if I can trust you anymore.“

You are a taken aback by his words

”Are you serious? You don’t know if you can trust me anymore?“ you ask your voice growing a little angry

”Fuck you, Kendall. I’ve never given you any reason to distrust me. I’ve always, always protected our friendship and never in my whole life told anyone anything you’ve told me in confidence!“ you spit at him. He knows that you’re right and he does trust you more than anyone in his life. He just shrugs

”I can’t believe this is happening. There are so many people in this world that aren’t to be trusted but you decided I am the one who gets punished? Even your own family fucks each other up constantly!“

He takes a deep breath because even the thought of saying the words he’s about to say makes him feel like throwing up.

”Yeah, well they’re my family.“ he’s always considered you family too, even closer than that because he knew you were

”Ouch. Okay.“ you just say, it feels like you been slapped.

And Kendall hurts like hell. He needs you in this moment more than ever but he can’t. He can’t pull you down with him. So he just stands there.

He can see tears gathering in your eyes and almost backtracks everything he said but he thinks if there’s one good thing he can do right now, it’s keeping you away from him and there’s no other way than this. Even if he wants nothing more than to hold you. To be held by you. But you need to think that he’s an asshole, to not wanting to speak to him again.

You think this is one of the worst moments of your life, it probably hurts even more than after you found out the truth about Cody. You always thought Kendall would be a part of your life forever. And you have feelings for him now, you are in love with your best friend.

You wipe a tear away before you quickly turn to leave. You don’t want him to see you cry even if he already saw your tears a million times.

You hurry to get out of the room and along the corridors when you run in to someone. The other person is visibly annoyed until he realizes it’s you. ”Hey! Oh honey. Are you okay?“ you hear Stewy ask.

”I-“ you get out before the tears start flowing heavier

”Hey, hey.“ Stewy pulls you into a hug. Some of the bridesmaids walk into the corridor talking and laughing

”Lets get you somewhere else.“ he pulls you into one of the nearby rooms

”Should I get Kendall?“ he asks and you know it’s the only

You shake your head

”No. No, he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.“

”I’m sure that’s not true.“

You swallow ”He just told me.“

Stewys eyebrows furrow

”He just told you that he doesn’t want to talk to you anymore?“ he has to ask you nod while wiping your eyes

”What the fuck? Listen I don’t know what crawled up his ass today but he will come back. You’re honey and ken.“

He rubs your back a little more until you remember something

”Shit, I came here with him. I need to find my parents.“

”You can come home in my jet if you’d like?“ Stewy asks knowing you probably don’t want to tell anyone else about yours and Kendall’s fight

”Can I?“ You ask and your voice sounds so sad that he can’t help giving you another hug.

”Of course, y/n we’re friends.“

You go back to your room to get your bags and fix your make up a little, you end up washing your face and putting on some big sunglasses. Without seeing or talking to anyone else you slip into Stewys car. Kendall had already left, apparently he went straight to the airport after your talk. Wich you take as a sign that he really doesn’t care about you anymore. You text your dad that you are leaving with Stewy so they know you’re getting home even if Kendall is off to god knows where.

”You’ll be okay. We can go out to eat or watch a movie… or pin a picture of Kendall onto a dartboard.“ he suggests and you have to chuckle a little, wich Stewy counts as progress.

On his plane Stewy has to make some business calls, he is extremely stressed over the failed bear hug situation. You feel sorry for him too, you know him long enough to know that he’s sad about his and Kendalls sudden fallout too. You have some time for yourself, you put on your headphones and listen to sad music. It probably isn’t the best thing to do in this situation but you feel like you need it now. At some point you dose off for some time but you can’t really fall asleep for long.

”Thank you for getting me home.“ you chuckle a little

”No need to thank me. You can always call me honey, okay?“

”Yeah, you can call me too.“ you give him a little smile and hug him. You love Stewy, you’ve known him since college and he’s a good guy even if he gets lost following the money sometimes. But he’s not Kendall and nobody is. You’re sure nobody can ever be as close as he is to you, nobody could ever know you like he does.

As soon as you’re in your apartment you start crying again. You curl into yourself on your bed, you find a shirt of Kendall’s in it. He left it there when he slept here a few nights ago. There are a lot of things of him in your apartment but you can deal with that later. You touch the soft, dark grey fabric with your fingers and pull it towards you. You hold it to your chest. It smells like him. Expensive cologne, a little like cigarettes and something just Kendall. It smells like home. You cry yourself to sleep holding onto his shirt.

[got-into-worm-by-mistake]

Shell 4.11 Live Reactions

(This is me, writing reactions as I read, because why the fuck not. They're not complete, mature thoughts taken after I sit back and evaluate what I've read. Consider them as such)

“If something happens because I was wrong, and it isn’t because you gave me the wrong information or tools to work with, I’ll own up.  I’ll tell him, and your reputation will be unaffected.  Promise.”

I actually believe Lisa here. Assuming it is Lisa, anyway.

This other guy... didn't Coil have a medical tinker at one point or something? Or was that just invented in a fic?

“That, honey, is the only reason we’ve been trying to wake you up.  You’ve been using your power while you sleep, and every bug in the neighborhood has been gathering here to crawl on you.  Not all at once, not all together, but they’re adding up and someone’s going to notice.”

Something she's gonna have to work on. But that's some serious Powers are Bullshit stuff.

“Shh.  Relax.  It’s fine.  Just send the bugs away, and you can go back to sleep.  We’re handling everything, okay?” It was okay.  I drifted off. ■ I was jostled from a dream.

Wildbow does use the first person approach to great effect, but it does have it's limits.

“Brian, okay.  Thank you.  If you could just bring her through here.  After you called, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I made up the sofa bed, in case we couldn’t get her upstairs, or if there was a wheelchair.  I was thinking the worst…” “The couch is fantastic,” Lisa said, “She’s most definitely not in the worst shape she could be in, or even close to it.  She’s going to sleep a lot, and you’ll need to check on her every half hour to make sure she’s okay, for the next twelve hours.  Besides, she might want to watch TV between naps, so this looks like a perfect place to be.”

Okay so this is Lisa and Brian spilling a whole line of bullshit to her dad about how she got hurt?

“You can.  But my dad’s a doctor, and he looked her over in his clinic.  Pulled strings to get her a CT scan, MRI.  He wanted to be absolutely sure there was no brain damage before he gave her stronger painkillers.  Here.  I’ve got the bottle in one of these pockets.  There.  It’s codeine.  She’s probably going to have some major headaches, and she was moaning in her sleep about pain in her extremities.  Give her one pill four times a day, but only if she feels she needs it.  If she’s okay as is, just wean her off.  Two a day, or half a pill four times a day.”

The patented Tattletale Line of Bullshit™. But it does work.

So surreal.  Hearing words like my dad’s name or the word ‘papa’ from Lisa’s mouth.

True. She just doesn't seem like a 'papa' sort of girl.

“Rachel’s more scratched and bruised than Taylor, but she didn’t get a concussion, and she’s a tough girl. 

So they did find her, one way or the other.

“A bomb.  You’ve seen the news?” “Explosions across the city all night and all morning, yes.  The incident at the PHQ.   All started by one of the parahumans.  I can’t remember her name.  Sounded Japanese?”

Very convenient that she was going boom all over the city at the same time as picking a fight with the Undersiders.

“I… I know it sounds strange,” my dad spoke, hesitantly, “But even after you told me it was a bomb, on the phone, I couldn’t believe it.  I thought maybe it was a mean prank, or Taylor had come across, um.” “The bullies,” Lisa finished my dad’s sentence.

Even living in Brockton Bay, it makes sense you'd have a hard time believing it, Danny.

Sympathetically, Lisa answered, “But you’re disappointed that someone wasn’t you.” If guilt caused you physical pain, I think that would have been like a shiv through my heart.

Taylor, talk to your dad. Danny, fucking talk to your daughter. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.

I thought about it, “I don’t like lying to my dad.”

I think that ship sailed awhile ago, Taylor. But I suppose I do get why this feels different. One more step on her road.

“I- I’m so sorry… That came out wrong.  I’m grateful for what you did, what you’re doing.  You guys are awesome and hanging out with you has been some of the most fun I’ve had in years.  I’m so glad you’re here, and I’d like nothing better to just kick back and unwind after all that, but-” Lisa put a finger against my lips, silencing me.  “I know.  You like to keep different parts of your life separate.  I’m sorry, but there wasn’t a way around it.  You were hurt, and we couldn’t keep you without your dad causing a stir.”

I don't think you can really do that as easily as you'd like, but again, I get it. Taylor wants to keep her budding villain (and would be hero) career seperated out, so it can be an escape from the hell of school, and the empty void of life at home. It can't be, if the two lives entangle like that. But - you really can't enforce an artificial divide like that. You can try, but it's not gonna work Taylor.

I'd imagine that's part of Worm's point, how hard the two lives really are. Like, is much ever established about the nominal civilian lives of any of the Protectorate Heroes? Never comes up in any fics, for one.

Lisa continued, “I called the boss, he sent us to a doctor who has a reputation for being discreet and working with parahumans.  Been doing it twenty years.  We were worried about you.”

Gotta love a full service employer. Maybe this 'boss' isn't so bad? /jk

“Nothing to apologize for.  Anyways, it all more or less worked out.  The doc got the capsule out of Brian’s nose, patched you up, gave Regent an IV.  I sat and watched you while Brian went and got Rache, her dog and the money.  Only two or three thousand gone, that someone thought they could get away with grabbing from the bag before it was all counted.  Our boss sent a van and picked it up a little after midnight.  Money he gave us is already in our apartment, with more to come after he decides what the papers are worth.”

How did they figure out where those were?

“Here’s the second bit of bad news.  All of that?  It was one overblown distraction.  Something to keep every cape in the city busy, while Oni Lee sprung Lung from the PHQ.”

I feel like this has to be the first time Worm pulls the rug out from under the protagonist, and the reader. She really did accomplish something, with Lung getting caught. And as readers, it's a big moment, her big first win is such a big deal, not just any villain, it's the fucking DRAGON DUDE

And now he's out. And they didn't even stop Bakuda for their troubles. It's all undone, and the city's even worse off thanks to all the bombs and the ABB having it's conscripts and so forth.

The first in a long chain of extremely mixed 'victories', if they can even be called that.

Lisa nudged my upper arm with her elbow and grinned, “You got a perfect excuse not to go.  Why complain?” Because I’d forced myself to go to school after missing nearly a week of classes, with the intention of not skipping any more, and now I was going to miss another full week.  I couldn’t say that, especially not in front of my dad.

Taylor, it isn't... it isn't... - I don't know what you think it is, subjecting yourself to that shithole? Noble? A sign of defiance? A desperate grab at the worst sort of normality?

I don't know what it is, but you're not actually doing it, dragging yourself there. School's important, yeah. I get that.

Winslow? Winslow sure as fuck isn't.

But for her, it's just one more crack in her attempt to wall between the two halves of her life.

The three of us laughed at a series of jokes in the movie, and Lisa got the hiccups, which only made Brian and I laugh harder. I saw my dad puttering about in the kitchen, probably to keep an eye on me, and our eyes met.  I gave a little wave, not moving my arm, just my hand, and smiled.  The smile he gave me in return was maybe the first truly genuine one I’d seen on his face in a long time. The school thing?  I’d worry about it later, if it meant I could live in the present like this.

And yet - the rug was pulled, but Taylor does have her friends, her dad, the illusion of something she can use to make herself happy, she is happy, despite it all. At least now, in the moment.

[finalgirlkateausten]

I DON'T TRUST NOBODY AND NOBODY TRUSTS ME

Succession ✧ 690 words ✧ At the reception, Karolina clocks Kendall's subterfuge, and has something to say about being overlooked.

✧

Karolina is in the middle of listening to a tipsy Sally Anne tell a story about having to face off against Caroline wearing nothing but her underwear when Gerri nudges her in the arm, hard. “Karolina,” she hisses, “what the fuck is this?”

Coming from Gerri, that’s generally not a good question, and Karolina frowns as she leans over the offered phone screen. Roy family unrest involving key members of Waystar RoyCo may threaten the pending deal with GoJo, says a confident Waystar source.

Karolina’s jaw drops a little as she looks back up at Gerri. “That’s not me.” It certainly should be-- the twitter account, the classic byline of confident Waystar source, but everything she knows says the GoJo deal is solid and necessary, even if Kendall and Roman are being a little bitchy about it. 

Wait. Fuck.

“That’s not me,” she repeats to Gerri, her tone hushed. “I’ll be right back.”

She finds Hugo in a corner by the bar talking to Colin, who she excuses efficiently with a slight touch to his arm and a smile too bright for a funeral until he gets the hint. When he’s gone, she folds her arms over her chest, facing Hugo head on.

“I don’t know what you think you’re doing,” she says calmly, “but you’re fired.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” he says, way too fucking nonchalant for the glare she’s leveling at him.

She scoffs. “Excuse me?”

“I think it’s well within my job description to follow an express order directly from the CEO,” Hugo brags, a disgusting smirk crawling across his face despite him clearly trying to keep it in check. “Look, Karolina, you’re good at your job, but… look at it this way, a hunting dog can work hard all day, can run for miles, and at the end of the day still sleeps in a kennel. The lap dog is the one who’s in a nice warm bed.”

The pieces fall into place with a relieving clarity, seeing as Karolina spends a good portion of her time trying to guess what any of the Roys’ plans really are. She steps even closer to Hugo, narrowing her eyes. “Are you calling me a bitch?”

He stares at her, mouth gaping with no words to answer, and she scoffs and walks away.

Karolina orders a vodka soda at the bar while she regroups, scanning the room. Hugo must be talking to Kendall; Roman doesn’t inspire that level of confidence in general, and certainly not today. Speaking of Roman, there’s a viral video she should do something about, but currently, Kendall trying to fuck the company takes precedence. Karolina makes a decision and downs the last half of her drink, the carbonation and alcohol burning in that quantity and making her close her eyes for a moment. Getting vodka drunk is just so much more efficient than lazing around with a glass of wine.

As she crosses the room, she makes eye contact with Gerri long before she hits the table, and Gerri stands and meets her at a pair of armchairs off to the side of the dinner tables. “So?”

“Kendall,” Karolina says. “Making promises he has no wherewithal to keep, which is nothing new… anyway, Hugo overplayed his hand. He’s trying to fuck the deal. Maybe Roman, too.”

“Idiots,” Gerri hisses. 

“I think we should go to Shiv,” Karolina suggests quietly.

Gerri nods. “She’s definitely getting close with Matsson. It’ll be good to have someone who can get through to him while Kendall and Roman throw this fit.”

“And,” Karolina adds, “we can leverage their habits of fighting each other for the sake of it. Kendall thinks he’s already on top, Shiv will stay with the deal just to pull the rug out from under him.”

Gerri nods, her lips tights. “A riskier system to rely on, but… she’s definitely being iced out. You’re right.”

“I’m going to find Ebba,” Karolina sighs, “and fix this so-called ‘official statement. You got Shiv?”

Gerri smiles wryly. “I am her godmother, after all.”

Karolina snorts. “Best of luck.”

Gerri grabs her shoulder as they move in opposite directions. “Godspeed.”

[nadja-antipaxos]

CAN’T MAKE YOU HAPPIER NOW - EIGHT - FINAL CHAPTER

Previously - Seven || Masterlist

Rating: Explicit

Warnings:  Swearing, depression, possible suicide attempt briefly referenced and talked about, talk of childbirth and children, vaginal fingering, PIV sex, kissing, mentions of child abuse, manslaughter, drug use, smoking

Note: Last chapter, everyone. Depending on how season 4 goes I might pick this baby back up. I don't know but as of now, the story is over. Thank you a million times a million to everyone who read this, left kudos, and comments. Please let me know how you enjoyed the final chapter. Covers episodes 3x07-3x09. Page Six graphic made by me with my template

Word Count: 6,364

Kendall looks over at Naomi’s sleeping body next to him. He’s nursing a hangover. He doesn’t really remember going out. Naomi found out his divorce was finalized and dragged him out with her friends. They change so often that he doesn’t know their names. He grabs his phone and sees multiple notifications with the same headline from Page Six.

NISHA ASURI-ROY IS A FREE AGENT! Newly divorced socialite hits NYC with famous friends and new boyfriend!

The photo under the headline is of Nisha looking gorgeous at an event with little cutouts of Velasco and Ryan Sutton, the tech dynamo, who is much more beautiful than he remembered. Once he signed, it didn’t take long for their divorce to be finalized. They must’ve taken her out. Velasco has his arm around her shoulder in one photo. In another, he’s next to her while Ryan Sutton and Nisha share a drink. She looks happy in the photos with them. He sighs and puts the phone back on the nightstand and drags the duvet over his head. Maybe he can spend most of the day in bed. His birthday party isn’t until tomorrow anyway.

The big night arrives with such fanfare it should be on MTV’s Sweet Sixteen if they still made them. The Notorious Ken Ready to Die Party. Ryan’s big hazel eyes look over at Nisha who just shakes her head. Ryan has on a navy suit with a floral blouse while Nisha wears a red and black sheer bustier with a black suit. Siblings Roy, Willa, and Tom are just leaving the lobby when they walk in. A pretty woman tells them to hand over coats and phones.

“I’m not giving you my phone,” Nisha tells her. 

“Well, Kendall—”

“I’m the mother of his kids and since he’s busy doing whatever the fuck this is—one of us has to check on them.”

“Okay.” She looks surprised at her blunt honesty.

Nisha hands over a gift with rabbit wrapping paper.

“This is from them, Kendall’s children, so please put it somewhere safe.”

“We will.”

“Thank you.”

After the horrifying ordeal of traveling Caroline’s vaginal canal, Nisha greets Roman and Shiv. Kendall’s name is everywhere in varying levels of embarrassing extravagance.

“Ryan Sutton?” Roman traces a circle with his finger.

“Yep.” She slides a hand into her suit pocket opening the tailored jacket.

“Hmm.” He doesn’t say anything else.

“Nice to meet you. Shiv Roy.” Shiv and Ryan shake hands.

“You too.” Ryan nods.

“You look…amazing. Almost like you shed a bunch of Kendall-sized dead weight, the former Mrs. Roy.” Shiv laughs and gives her a hug.

“Basically.” Nisha shrugs when she pulls away. “We’re gonna keep touring this nightmare.”

“Enjoy. I’ll see you, yeah?”

“I”m sure.” Nisha smiles. 

There’s a room that is just screens with fire on them, tons of pictures of Kendall everywhere (clearly some he recently posed for), a compliment tunnel, his childhood treehouse, and a weird exhibit with terrible trying too hard to be satirical futuristic headlines.

“Thank you so much for inviting me to this party because it’s the most mental thing I’ve ever been to. And really the perfect way to get to know your ex.”

“I really had no idea it would be so Kendall.” Nisha’s stunned at just how awful it all is.

“Aww, you didn’t get a fake magazine cover.” Ryan comes up behind her and slips her arms round Nisha’s middle.

“It’s better that way. Trust me.” Nisha laughs. 

They keep walking through this asshole museum to the bar and Kendall waves at her. She nods. He moves through the crowd and smiles at her.

“You made it.” He goes for a hug and she awkwardly pats him on the back.

“Happy Birthday, Kendall.” Nisha pulls back. “This is Ryan Sutton. My plus one.”

Ryan steps forward. In her heels, she’s taller than him. She smiles and keeps her hands in her suit pockets. Kendall is a little stunned at her natural confidence. She oozes self-assuredness. This is someone who knows exactly who they are.

“Happy Birthday, Kendall. It was a real treat walking through your mother’s vagina.” She speaks with a McCartney-esque accent. He wonders if Tom or Greg has met her. They would lose their shit over her…everything. 

“Thanks. We wanted it to be funny.” He nods. 

“It’s genuinely the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.” Ryan laughs. “I’m gonna get a drink. You want something?”

“Vodka soda, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then get me one of those. Thanks.”

“No problem, babe.”

Kendall watches her walk away and turns back to Nisha.

“Boyfriend busy?”

“He’s not my boyfriend. You shouldn’t believe everything you read.”

Kendall vividly remembers him going down on her in what used to be their bedroom.

“Booty call on speed dial?”

“We’re friends who have sex. That’s it.” 

“Got a new BFF I see.”

“She’s amazing.”

“So I hear. No new guy either?”

“New guy?”

“Sophie mentioned him. Rob? Russ? Something. He made pancakes that looked like a cat?”

Nisha shakes her head. That was Ryan. Of course, Kendall doesn’t actually pay attention to their children. “I don’t have a new guy.”

“So our daughter’s a liar?”

“I didn’t say that. Did you get the present? From the kids?”

“…No.”

“Medium-sized box. Rabbits on the paper. They’re green?”

“I’ll, um, I’ll ask. I’m sure they have it.”

“Okay…”

“Look, my dad offered to buy me out.”

“Oh.”

“Think I should take it?”

“Yes.”

“Wow. Don’t need to think about it?”

“Yes. Get out immediately. Maybe if you do, he won’t involve the kids in your shit anymore.”

‘What?”

“W-What? No. No. That’s not—I’ll do something. I’ll fix it.”

“He was spying on them at the park. Send some idiot to question Bianca.”

“Don’t bother. Already handled it. Just thought you should know.”

“Um, yeah, thanks.”

“Enjoy your birthday, Ken.”

Ryan hands her a drink and as they walk away she puts her hand right above Nisha’s ass.

“Do you think he’d be mad if I ate you out in his boyhood treehouse?” Ryan leans over. 

“You’re so naughty.” Nisha giggles. He knows that sound all too well. They’re flirting.

Ryan is the new guy? Is that why they’re always together? The double makeup and skincare in the bathroom suddenly make more sense. But Nisha’s not—she’s never shown any interest—she didn’t even try in college. That—that can’t be. Ryan pulls her out onto the dance floor. It starts off fine until Ryan bends down and kisses her. His heart pounds in his chest as heat spreads down from the back of his neck. He feels lightheaded. Naomi repeats his name and he forces himself to look at her. He lets her take his hand and lead him away.

A few drinks later (maybe a little more), Ryan has Nisha pinned against the wall of a very fancy bathroom stall. Her hand is in her pants while her mouth devours hers. Nisha can’t believe she’s letting herself get fucked in a bathroom at a party like she’s 20 again. At her ex-husband’s birthday no less. But Ryan’s fingers are too long and too good for her to care. She bites her lip as her body shudders. Ryan gives her a sloppy kiss and withdraws her fingers. She grins before placing them in her mouth. They stagger out of the bathroom and mix back into the crowd.

After trying to keep his parasitic siblings from the treehouse, Kendall walks past Ryan and stops when he realizes. He doesn’t see Nisha around. It’s just her. She truly is one of the most naturally beautiful women he’s ever met, besides Nisha. Big eyes. Pouty lips. Gold hair. She’s incredibly fit too. He can see that from how the tailored suit hangs on her. He just can’t believe a woman he’s known almost half his life is suddenly playing for another team. 

“So, is this the part where you tell me to stay away from your girlfriend?” He asks, unable to help himself. He wants to pick a fight with someone. It might as well be her.

“No.” She rolls her eyes. “I’m 26. I’m not 15. Besides, you’re doing a bang-up job on your own.”

“The fuck does that mean?” He glares at her but she doesn’t take the bait. She stays cool.

“Just chill out and enjoy your party.” Ryan shakes her head and walks away.

“Does it bug you?” Roman’s voice is in his ear.

“What?” Kendall snaps.

“That you were such a shitty husband you turned Nisha into a lesbian.” Roman shrugs.

“She’s not a lesbian.” Kendall sighs.

“Okay, not like The L Word lesbian but they’re definitely bumping tacos. Bet she’s a better fuck than you. Probably doesn’t cry after.” Roman giggles.

“Shut the fuck up, Rome.” Kendall storms off. He wants to find his present from the kids.

It feels like they’ve been there all night when Nisha agrees to leave. She hasn’t seen Kendall in a long time which is odd. He should be eating all this attention up. She looks in every room even the big one that has all the gifts. The boxes are destroyed and staff are scrambling to pick them up. Something is really wrong. She finds Ryan and explains. 

“I’ll meet you back at my place. I-I wanna confirm he got that present from the kids or I’ll never hear the end of it.” She feels strange telling Ryan she’s worried about Kendall. 

“Yeah, sure.” Ryan nods. “See you in a few.”

“Mhmm.”

They share a kiss before she leaves. 

It takes some tracking down but Kendall did not receive the gift. It ended up in a completely different room, so Nisha decides to deliver it. She takes a cab to his apartment and the doorman lets her up. She knocks and Naomi answers.

“Hey.”

“Hi?”

Nisha puts the present in front of her.

“Oh, shit.” Naomi reaches for it but Nisha pulls it back.

“Can I see him?”

“It’s been a long night. I think—”

“Naysayers , who is it?” Kendall’s voice asks. Moments later, he’s at the door. “Nish.”

He practically pulls her inside to Naomi’s visible displeasure. She shows him the present and relief washes over his face. He looks awful. He hugs her so tight it knocks the breath out of her. What is going on? She knows this isn’t just drugs or booze. She’s alarmed now. Naomi just watches them.

“Hey, um, can we get a minute?” Nisha asks, pulling back from Kendall.

Naomi looks at Kendall but he nods before she can answer.

“Sure…” Naomi looks at him strangely before going out on the balcony. 

Kendall leads Nisha into the kitchen and doesn’t let go of her.

“You wanna open it?” Nisha asks, gesturing to the present.

Kendall tears the paper and lifts the lid. It’s a large painting. An actual oil painting.

“Sophie’s been taking this art class and she’s really good. Iverson came up with the idea and did the background. She did everything else.”

Tears flood his vision as he takes in the painting of him and his children. They’re superheroes. He can’t hold it back and just sobs. Nisha rushes to him and sets the painting down on the counter. She wraps her arms around him and he cries into her shoulder. She doesn’t know what happened but it makes her heart ache. She rubs his back. 

“Deep breaths, Ken. Deep breaths.” She whispers. 

He sniffles and inhales sharply. He doesn’t want to let her go and she doesn’t move. 

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“I don’t know, Nish.”

“It will.” She squeezes his shoulder and steps back.

“I never thought my 40th would be like this, you know?”

“That’s cause I would’ve planned it. Like your 30th but better.”

“I woulda liked to have seen that.” Kendall chuckles dryly. A party when he actually had people that cared about him. Someone who loved him. 

Nisha blinks back tears of her own. She thought the party was showy and embarrassing but now she gets it. He’s so alone. He’s never been more alone. No one at that party was there for him. To celebrate him. It was all a show. She wants to say something but she hears the sliding door close.

“Ken? Can I talk to you?” Naomi asks, not hiding the edge in her voice.

“Uh, yeah, sure. Just—um, can you wait here?” Kendall asks, lifting his eyebrows. She hasn’t seen that look in a long time. She just nods. 

He goes out to the balcony and the door is barely closed before she hears shouting. She isn’t really listening and she can’t really make it out. All she hears is “Present from my fucking kids”. She admits she’s amused at how much of a threat she is. They’re not even married anymore and she really did want him to get the gift. 

The door shuts again and Kendall walks over. Naomi is lingering by the door.

“I’ve gotta go.”

‘Yeah?”

“It is late,” Naomi adds.

“Lemme walk you out, okay?” Kendall puts his hand on her shoulder. Naomi sighs audibly.

Nisha just waves and lets Kendall guide her to the hall. 

“Get some rest, Ken.” She touches his cheek in spite of herself. He closes his eyes briefly and her heart hurts. “But…”

His eyes widen. He’s hanging on her every word.

“I wanna see you tomorrow. Lunch?” She wants to cry at how his face brightens.

“Yeah? Yeah, yeah. I’d like that.” He looks like he wants to smile but he doesn’t.

“Okay, I’ll text you.” She hugs him. “Happy Birthday, Ken.”

He lets out a shuddery breath. “Thanks, Nish. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Nisha steps back and begins to walk off to the elevator but stops to look back at him. All the light is gone in his eyes and his shoulders are slumped. He’s collapsing into himself. She never wanted this.

At lunch, Kendall looks more awake but no less ashen. The circles under his eyes are even more prominent. He barely looks at the menu and just orders a random special. Nisha orders a salad but barely touches it. He leans forward.

“You still worried? About me?”

“Always.”

He squints, suspicious at her sudden affection. She offers up an open palm on the table which he takes.

“Kendall, you’re the father of my children.” She takes a deep breath. “We made those two remarkable kids. I can’t just stop caring about you. It’s not a fucking switch. As much as I want there to be, sometimes.”

Kendall tries to swallow down the lump in his throat but it stays. He blinks back the tears. 

“I-I didn’t really have a dad and I don’t want that for Sophie and Iverson. I don’t.” Her voice cracks and her big brown eyes are glistening with tears. She never brings up her father. 

“I don’t want that either.” Kendall squeezes her hand. 

They just sit there for a moment trying not to cry. They haven’t talked like this in so long it’s hard to remember how. Neither of them is angry or trying to hurt each other. He’s not drunk on a new angle or scheme and she’s not bitter. 

“You really think I should take the buyout?”

“Yes, Ken. Get away from him. He’s poison.”

He isn’t surprised when she agrees to let him drop her home. He has the feeling she doesn’t want to leave yet either. What does surprise him is how she holds him in the backseat. Such a familiar thing. She’s done this so many times. She lets go and turns to face him. She clutches his arms and he rests his forehead on hers. They’re breathing heavily. 

“Nisha…” He’s breathing her air. She can feel it fan across her face. 

“Kendall…” She’s trembling as his hand brushes the hair away from her cheek. 

“I—”

“W-We can’t.” 

His head dips to her shoulder and he noses the side of her neck. She sighs.

He’s so numb. He can’t feel it like he used to but it’s still there. Trying to break through. Like he’s almost human again. Her thumbs brush his upper arms soothing him. One hand breaks free to rub his back. He just wants her to hold him and never let go. The car comes to a stop and she pulls away.

“I can’t—I’m sorry, Ken. I gotta go.” She bolts out of the car before he can see the tears fall.

Kendall sighs, tipping forward until his face is on the seat. 

He doesn’t see her again until she hands off the kids for his mother’s sudden wedding. She had a trip planned to Italy for the summer anyway. She even invited her mother and stepfather since they’ve never been to Italy and have been so supportive during all of this. Since Kendall wouldn’t pass a drug test, they agreed it was best that he have a day with them on his own before she flies in to stay nearby. He didn’t protest. It doesn’t seem to be his thing these days. Even Ryan made a comment about how she should be there for Sophie and Iverson. The kids give her hugs and pile into the SUV to go to the airport.

Kendall gets out of the car and greets her with a newly shaved head. He’s never had a buzzcut before. She doesn’t know what to say. She just points. 

“New look.”

“Mmm.”

“Ryan, uh, joining you?”

“No. She’s busy. Naomi?”

“That’s over.”

“I, um, appreciate you not telling the press about me and Ryan. I know Logan would jump all over it.”

“It’s your business.”

“Thank you.”

Kendall simply nods. It’s like a strong gust of wind would blow him away.

“Ken?”

“Yeah?”

“Why didn’t you make it harder? The divorce? You could’ve. My lawyers even expected it.”

Kendall shrugs.

“I’ve kept you down long enough. Don’t you think?”

Nisha doesn’t hold back her gasp. She’s never heard him talk like this. It makes her uncomfortable and a little scared.

“See you in a few days.”

“Safe travels.”

Kendall nods and gets into the car.  Nisha just watches them leave, stunned.

The kids check in with Nisha regularly while they’re with him. Sophie tells her that they’re allowed at many of the wedding events but he’s not. Nisha’s glad they’re not on FaceTime so she doesn’t see her roll her eyes. Caroline is such a cunt.

“Are you having fun at least?”

“Not really.” 

“You guys okay?”

“Yeah. Just bored. Dad’s out in the pool.” 

“We miss you.” Iverson’s voice adds.

“You’re gonna see me soon. Nani and Arun are coming too.”

“They are?”

“Yeah, they said they’d take you sightseeing.”

“Cool.” 

“It’ll be okay, babies. Just tough it out a little longer, okay?”

“Okay.” Sophie sighs. “Love you.”

“Love you, Mom.” Iverson echoes.

“Love you both.”

What Nisha doesn’t know is that Kendall is drunk in the pool and nearly drowns. Comfrey, of all people, notices, and calls for help. Sophie takes Iverson by the hand and calls her mom immediately in another room. Nisha’s Italian is limited but she’s able to communicate to the doctors that she is his ex-wife. To her surprise, he still has her listed as his emergency contact, so she’s able to find out that he wasn’t unconscious long and it was a scare more than anything.  The doctors are concerned about his blood alcohol level and she agrees. She remembers how sad he’s been and wonders if on some level it wasn’t deliberate. Comfrey awkwardly hangs around until Nisha dismisses her. The employee seems glad that someone else is handling it. 

To her surprise, Logan offers to watch the kids or at the very least have the kids at his place. She doesn’t really have any options since her parents are flying in tomorrow, so she agrees. She waits in a chair for him to wake up while informing her family about what happened. 

Sophie is glad to know he’s okay. Nisha says they will be staying at her place for the rest of the trip and Iverson lights up about that. She hates how clearly the children prefer her over Kendall. She knows he did this to himself but she wishes they didn’t want to see him in only small doses.

Kendall blinks taking in the unfamiliar room. It’s so bright. His eyes land on a familiar face next to his bed.

“Nish?”

“Hey.” She stands up. “You’re in the hospital. You fell off an inflatable?”

“Oh.” Kendall doesn’t really remember that.

“The PR lady noticed and called then Sophie called me.”

“Where are the kids?”

“Not here. But they’re okay.”

“Oh. Good.” He waits a moment. “Who has them if you’re here?”

Nisha takes a deep breath.

“Logan.”

Kendall sits up making one of the machines beep loudly.

“What the fuck? Why?”

It’s been hours and Nisha is exhausted. She just bursts into tears. 

“I-I can’t do this all by myself, Ken.” She covers her face with her hands. “I don’t want them with him either but I had no other choice.”

Kendall sucks in a slow breath. He shouldn’t be yelling at her. She didn’t do this. Part of him wishes he hadn’t been saved. It would spare her so much pain. She wipes her eyes and looks at him. She’s clearly been sitting here a long time. Her eyes are tired and her clothes are crumpled.

“I’m still your emergency contact.”

“I know.”

“Really?”

“You’re the only one who gives a shit if something happens to me.” 

She proved that with the shooter at ATN. He looks down at his hands. His throat is dry.

“Can I get some—”He points to the water jug. She jumps up and pours some handing him the cup. “Thanks.”

Nisha moves closer to him. He pats the edge of the bed so she sits down. 

“Please don’t get mad.” She places her hand on his. “But I have to ask. They said you were really really drunk. Are you okay?”

Kendall doesn’t know what to tell her. That no matter how hard he tries he can never defeat his father.  That he’s defective. That he’s a killer that should be rotting in the earth. That if she really knew she would take their kids and never speak to him again. 

“No.” 

“I’m sorry to say this but you need help, Ken. It’s not good for the kids and it’s not good for you. I don’t know what’s going on but I know this won’t help.” She braces herself for his anger.

Kendall looks at her soft big brown eyes. Why does she still care about him? He’s done everything to drive her away. She’s not even his wife anymore. She doesn’t need him. She’s never needed him. The tears burn in his eyes and slip down his face before he can stop them. She leans over and wraps an arm around him. He pulls her closer and sobs. She’s never been so scared for him. 

Because there’s no proof it was an actual suicide attempt, Kendall is released and goes to grab Sophie and Iverson. Nisha talks with Shiv who wants to do an intervention. Nisha knows that isn’t a good idea. They’re the last people who should be leading it and she will have no part it in.

Instead, she takes the kids to a restaurant to try real pizza. Sophie doesn’t like it but Iverson does. They go back to her villa and swim in the pool. When she talks to Sophie about everything, she says she’s okay and can’t wait for her grandparents to come.  She really didn’t see much. Nisha decides she’s telling the truth and lets them play. She goes back in the house and sees Kendall at the front door.

“Hi.” She ushers him inside.

‘Hi. This okay?” Kendall asks.

“Yeah. They’re swimming.” She nods to their general direction.

“Oh. Cool. Good. They’re okay?”

“They didn’t see anything.”

“Uh-huh. Did, uh, Shiv tell you about the intervention?”

“She mentioned it. C’mon, let’s sit.” 

Kendall follows her to the kitchen and she gives him a glass of water before pouring one for herself. Her villa is nicer than his. It’s full of light and fresh flowers. He’s not surprised. Her very presence dazzles every room she’s in. She’s always known how to make things better.

“You didn’t wanna come?”

“No. Sounded…ill-advised.”

“That’s a word for it.” Kendall chuckles, dryly.

“Didn’t go well?”

“My siblings aren’t exactly Oprah.”

“Not exactly.”

Kendall looks her over. She has on a yellow sundress and no makeup but she looks gorgeous. She looks a lot more well-rested than yesterday. 

“Remember when Sophie was born?” He asks softly.

“First time I pushed out a human, yep. I remember it.” She nods.

“I was so scared on the ride to the hospital. Remember? I was shaking. And you had to comfort me.” Kendall shakes his head.

“I remember. It was pretty distracting.” She almost laughs. 

“Then it was over. Not even an hour and she was here.” He just stares at the island counter.

“She was ready.” Nisha tilts her head thoughtfully.

“But then with Iverson. You’d think I would’ve gotten used to it. But I was terrified and that time you couldn’t help me.” His brow furrows. 

“I was a little busy with the 48 hours of labor.” Nisha sighs. It was night and day compared to Sophie. Even though she wasn’t even thirty, it was like nothing worked. She just waited and waited in pain. He didn’t want to come out. 

“I remember talking to doctors about a C-section and they gave me the warnings and I thought what if I lose them both? And then Sophie ran over to me. She saw I was upset and she hugged my leg and said ‘Don’t be sad, Daddy. Mommy’s giving me a baby brother.’ I told her I was scared and she said ‘Mommy’s a tiger.’” Kendall blinks back the tears in his eyes.

“Yeah, she was really into the tiger story then,” Nisha remembers telling it three times in a row at bedtime. 

“You tell it to them when they’re scared.” Kendall looks up at her and grabs her hand. His thumb runs along the back of it. “You’re an amazing mom, Nisha. I’ve never doubted that for a second. You’ve never failed them. I just I know I’ve always known—you’re all they need.”

His words send an icy chill down her spine but before she can ask, he gives her a brief hug and then tells her he’s gonna say hi to them. She watches him walk outside. Her phone lights up on the island. It’s Ramesh.

“Hey. Ready to see Mom?”

“Yeah. It should be fun.”

“So, what’s up?” He must have an agenda.

“Uh, Ken is here. He’s outside with the kids.” She braces herself.

“Great.” 

“C’mon, it’s been a bit of a rough go.” She winces.

“Just don’t relapse.”

“He’s not heroin, Jesus.”

“He kinda is—to you.”

“Something is really going on, Ram. It’s bad.” She knows he hasn’t actually seen Kendall. Maybe then he’d know.

“It’s always bad. You need sole custody before it gets worse. He clearly doesn’t want to be a dad. So just let him fuck off. None of you need him. If he pulls the money, we have enough.” Here’s the agenda.

“Ram, that’s unfair. The kids need their dad.” She frowns. She couldn’t do that. Then he’d really end up dead.

“No, they don’t. Not this one. Besides, I love them like they’re my own and I don’t forget they exist.” He huffs.

“Okay, point made.” She sighs.

“I don’t mean to lecture you. It’s just this whole pool thing just shows me how much you don’t need him.”

“I see.”

“Nish, I just want the best for you and your kids. You got a good girlfriend.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Right. I’m just saying you have options now. Take them.”

“Okay. I hear you.”

“Thanks. I don’t—I love you, Nish.”

“I know. I love you too. I’ll have Mom call you when she’s here.”

Nisha knows her brother just wants to protect her but cutting Kendall off isn’t the answer. If he goes to rehab, maybe then he can turn it around. He’s done it before. She wants to give him another chance with his children. They’re over. She knows that. But he can still try for them. She’s not going to kick him while he’s down. She refuses.

Kendall takes the kids to the wedding but Sophie calls her during the reception. She can’t find him or Shiv or Roman. Nisha gets her driver and picks them up.

On the ride back to her villa, she calls Kendall. He answers and he sounds…excited. He says something is happening and he’s sorry about the kids but it’s serious shit. He promises he’ll tell her everything when it’s done but to trust him. They’re gonna overthrow Logan. Of course, those four words make absolutely no sense but they’re all she has to go on. 

Her parents have a nice late dinner with her. She’s always liked her stepdad. He really takes care of her mom. She deserves that, especially after everything. Kendall calls a few hours later and sounds…numb. He asks her to come to his villa. Her mom is understanding and watches the children, so she can go.

Nisha picks at her nails the whole ride over. Kendall is smoking outside when she arrives, so she walks up to him. She waves and he nods.

“Hey, so what’s—”

“Not here.” He stubs out his cigarette.

She feels like a live wire. All exposed and full of electricity. She doesn’t know what’s going on. She just follows him inside to the bedroom he’s been sleeping in where he shuts the door. It feels ominous. He sits with her on the chaise lounge.

Then he tells her. He tells her everything. About GoJo. The attempted coup. How Caroline betrayed them for an apartment for her new husband. Nisha doesn’t know how that’s legal. They’re adults now. The holding company would have paperwork with their adult signatures and neither parent could touch that. But Kendall doesn’t need her lawyering right now. 

“Logan really fucked you.” She’s stunned. “All of you.”

“You…you knew and I never listened.” Kendall sighs, skimming his hand over his shaved head. “Should’ve fucked him with the takeover three years ago.”

Nisha doesn’t know how to respond. She shifts in her seat. He’s ready to tell her. He told his siblings. Even if it changes how she sees him, he should tell her. He knows the world isn’t going to end. Or at least he hopes it doesn’t. He doesn’t want to look at her though. He looks at his hands instead. They’re shaking.

“Shiv’s wedding. I wanted to get high and Stewy wouldn’t give me any. I hitched a ride with a waiter who said he knew someone. I was driving and you know I don’t drive especially not manual. And I was drunk and high. Something happened. An animal or something. He grabbed the wheel and we…” Kendall takes a deep breath. “…went into the water. I got out. It sank and I couldn’t get him. I tried. I lost my keycard. My dad’s people found it. He said he’d take care of it if I left the buyout.” He psychs himself up and looks at her. She just looks shocked. She can’t believe it.

“I hate myself for it. Every day. And I understand if you hate me too. I don’t deserve you or our kids. It—I can’t escape it. No matter what I do. It’s why I ruin everything. I’m…rotten. I couldn’t even do a takeover when I had Shiv and Rome.”

Nisha inhales sharply as she takes in her ex-husband. That’s why he pushed her away. The answer she’s wanted for so long. Selling the apartment. The women. The drugs. The distance. Why he destroyed their marriage.

“Nisha?” His voice cracks. “Do—what do you think?”

Logan carried it over his head. Used it. Tried to get him to take the fall for Waystar. Thinking he was broken enough to give in. Nisha runs her finger over her lower lip in thought. She could’ve handled this for him. In a way that didn’t exploit him. That got him help. She should’ve known it all went back to Logan. She can’t even cry. She’s too angry.

“You know how I never talk about my father?” 

Kendall just nods. She wrings her hands together. No one knows this. Not anyone who wasn’t there.

“He beat us. Ram and I used to try to shield my mother but he’d toss us like rag dolls. The police didn’t do anything. Brown immigrant family. They didn’t care. My mom came home late from her night classes. He accused her of cheating. She ran up the stairs. He went after her and I grabbed his leg. I was six or seven. He kicked me and kicked me and kicked me. Ramesh came running just screaming. He shoved my dad and he hit every stair on the way down. When he landed, he wasn’t moving. He must’ve broken his neck. Ramesh said he slipped. The evidence said that he fell.  Once they saw my ribs, they figured he lost his footing trying to kick me and went back. What was one dead immigrant? Nothing.” She doesn’t wipe away her tears. She just lets them fall. 

Kendall doesn’t know what to say. It explains why her family is so close. Why Ramesh is so protective. He places his hand on hers. 

“You were kids. He was trying to help you. You didn’t mean to. You were just trying to survive.”

“I know you. You didn’t mean for that waiter to die.” She squeezes his shoulder with her other hand. “Sometimes fucked up shit happens. Doesn’t mean you deserve to die too.”

Kendall breaks down, falling forward into her chest. Nisha puts her arms around him, wrapping him up. He cries so hard he can’t breathe. 

“Breathe, Kendall. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. With me. Like me.” She inhales and exhales slowly. She feels his chest expand as he tries to imitate her. They stay like that for a long time. He has bouts of tears and she calms him back down. Neither wanting to let go. He finally pulls back and she nudges him down until his head is in her lap. Her nails move through his closely cropped hair and he closes his eyes. Her touch has always felt comforting. He’s missed it.

“It’s never been this short.” She comments.

“Had my own Mandan ceremony.”

“Mundun.”

“What?”

“Mundun.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” 

Her fingers run down the nape of his neck to his shoulder and back up. It makes him sigh. 

“You’ve shed your past life.” 

“We both have.” He opens his eyes and looks up at her.

She laughs, shaking her head. A real laugh.

“What?” He wants to smile at the sound.

“We’re finally talking and we’re divorced.”

“Maybe cause we don’t have anything to lose.”

“Maybe…” 

He’s silent again while she runs her hand down his back. It’s been such an emotional day. So awful. But this feels so nice. 

“If it’s really over…with my dad…then I wanna get clean.”

“Okay.”

“Going into it clear-headed.” He pauses and looks up at her. “I’m sorry.”

“For?” She raises her eyebrows and stills her hand.

“You loved me with no bullshit. You were loyal. And I took advantage of that. Of you.”

She chews her lower lip and nods. Her throat feels thick with emotion. 

“But you’re the only person…” Kendall sits up and she watches him. He takes her hand and holds it to his chest. “I’ve ever really loved.”

Nisha leans forward and rests her head against his. Kendall sucks in a shaky breath at her proximity. It doesn’t feel like it did in the car last week.  He doesn’t feel numb anymore. He can see in full, vivid technicolor for the first time in three years. All because of her. She lets go of his hand breathing heavily. His thumb brushes the apple of her cheek. He’s being so present and so sweet. He feels like Kendall for the first time in a long time. Her Kendall. 

Their lips ghost over one another’s. It’s barely a kiss. So much trepidation and uncertainty. They’ve both been through so much either from each other’s hands or others. Kendall waits. He doesn’t know what she wants and he can’t push it. So he waits.  Nisha surges forward and takes his face in her hands kissing him full on the mouth. Their hands intertwine when she deepens the kiss and he doesn’t let go.

Their eyes stay locked as they rock back and forth in his bed. Slow. Deliberate. Intimate. He’s breathing with her and their foreheads touch. Sweat glistens across their bodies in sheets. She gasps feeling the way his body naturally rubs her bundle of nerves over and over with each motion. She whines and he nods—he can feel it too. He clutches her back. They’re so close and he wants more. He wants every part of her. And she gives it to him. They shudder together finally reaching a shared peak but even when it’s over, they don’t separate. Kendall falls asleep first curled up against her chest. They fall asleep holding hands.

The sun is barely up when Nisha wakes up. Their hands broke apart but he’s still reaching towards her. She got sucked in. Ramesh was right. He’s her weakness. He’s always been. She kisses the back of Kendall’s hand. She still loves him. She wonders if she ever really stopped deep down. He bared his soul to her and she to him. But this…what did this mean? Logan’s destroying Waystar and Kendall desperately needs rehab.  Did she make a mistake? She sighs and shuts her eyes. What is she going to do?

[dotnscal]

 ignore this please. its the madness. shield thine eyes. its just fun for me to write these things down.

this is about to be so scary. all of my mental illness has been poured out

romangerri absent from much of this bc i dont have the mental capacity to think about them without boom. my head explodes.

the complexity of this is that kenstewy exists in a multiverse for me. like. there are 60 kenstewy universes existing in my head and i make no effort to differentiate them

anyways. selections from...

fearless (tv)

PEOPLE WILL HATE. PEOPLE WILL HATE FOR THIS........ but i had 1/3 of a celsius the other day and positively lost my mind listening to you belong with me imagining. the cheesiest kenstewy predicament. you know the one. it was insane. but wonderful

speak now (tv)

back to december..... yea its gonna be another kenstewy bullshit im sorry... im sorry.... just the hows life / tell me hows your family.... it feels like them.... then ithink about summer all the beautiful times / i watched you laughing from the passenger side / and realized i loved you in the faaaaall.... yea. yea

ours ... honorable kenstewy mention.... i lose it after the first verse but the first verse is like. lowkey them. sorry.

foolish one.......... i know its cheesy but... kenstewy pining.... 

you are not... the exception... you will never LEARN YOUR LESSON!!!!!!

you know how to keep me waiting / i know how to act like i’m fine / don’t know what to call this situation / but i know i can’t call you mine

cause when my head is on your shoulder / it starts thinking you’ll come around

cause you got her on your arm / and me in the wings / i’ll get your longing glances / BUT SHE’LL GET YOUR RING (!)

i can see you. honestly in my heart this is solidly a romangerri song.but i also think its sexy slay office romance business sex vibe. so it can really be utilized anywhere and everywhere <3 versatile queen

castles crumbling. if i think about this song too mcuh re: succession i will genuinely make myself sick and vomit. 

power went to my head and i couldnt stop / ones i loved tried to help so i ran them offffff / and here i sit alone behind walls of regret / falling down like promises that i never kept

my foes and friends watch my reign end i dont know how it couldve ended this way..........

now theyre screaming at the palace front gates used to chant my name now they’re screaming that they hate... me......... never wanted you to hate me....

red (tv)

state of grace ACOUSTIC. VERSION. i have no fucking evidence for this and no clear reasons but the ambience. the feel of it. is very...... kenstewy.

girls with daddy issues know that better man is not about a romantic relationship its actually about daddy issues when you see it with the daddy issues third eye. so.

on that note. the moment i knew can also be applied to daddy issues imo. i do this activity on a regular basis. and one day i thought about shiv bday or some fancy thing that logan did not attend (only one instance of this tho bc she is pinky <3) and it made me want to vomit and also die. 

red kenstewy ill die on this hill

1989

I KNOW PLACES. insanely kenstewy song idk man cant elaborate

sometimes i listen to clean and its like slay kendall bc obviously. when i was drowning thats when i could finally breathe. but also everything other than that line is far too fucking positive to be a kendall song in my heart

you are in love. stfu kenstewy it physically hurts me to listen to it. 

ONE NIGHT. HE WAKES. STRANGE LOOK. ON HIS FACE. PAUSES. THEN SAYS. YOURE MY. BEST FRIEND. AND YOU KNEW. WHAT IT WAS. HE IS. IN LOVE. 

reputation

look what you made me do this is. this is silly talk. but its so kendall. the drama of it. MY FATHER IS A MALIGNANT PRESENCE ERA. the old kendall cant come to the phone right now. 

i dont like your kingdom keys / they once belonged to me / you asked me for a place to sleep / locked me out. then threw a feast WHAT?!!? (thinking about it... this is also giving tomshiv a little hehe... shivorce....he did lock her out and throw a feast kinda)....

READY FOR IT IS ALSO KENDALL REP ERA. PLEASE IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE READY FOR IT KENDALL ROY EDIT WHERE IT OPENS W READY FOR IT AND WHEN SHE SINGS ‘KNEW HE WAS A KILLER’ IT FLASHES WITH K L R. PLEASE. PLEASE. IVE LOST IT AND I NEED IT. BADLY.

dont blame me kenstewy no i wont speak on it just the aura and vibes. my drug is my baby but also cocaine :o

dancing with our hands tied is simultaneously tomshiv (early tho. pre shivorce era) and kenstewy (i’m a mess but i’m the mess that you wanted).... i. I LOVED YOU IN SECRET

you said there was nothing in the world that could stop it / i had a bad feeling.

dress. you know. you know who this one is about. (let siobhan roy be horny). actually looking at thelyrics right now im also feeling some. shall we say. kenstewy mental illness seeping in (i dont want you like a best friend.... WHAT THA FREAK???)

getaway car honestly any fucking relationship in this show bc theyre always fucking around on each other!!!! theyre always up to shady shit!!! DONT PRETEND ITS SUCH A MYSTERY THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU FIRST MET ME (waystar royco)

so it goes... yea i cant comment it just fits everyone and everything but to me it will always be early tomshiv

lover

the man...... like cringe obviously ew cringe cringe. one time i said this to my sister and she said ‘thats because you havent experienced sexism.’ well now i have and im sorry but if i like to listen to the man and feel strongly about shiv roy i can do what i want and fuck you!!

false god cough cough kenstewy. no elaboration at this time.

unfortunately they are all the archer to me. all of them every last one. it oscillates depending on the line sometimes.

i cut off my nose just to spite my face / and i hate my reflection / for years and years.......

cause all of my enemies started out friends... coughcough romangerri coughcough shivorce....

WHO COULD EVER LEAVE ME DARLING... BUT WHO COULD STAY....

folklore

august. AUGUST. its kenstewy 20 year situationship to the fucking max.... early days... harvard days....... stfu i know they were summering in the hamptons and LIVING THIS SONG

whispers / of “are you sure?” / “never have i ever before” ..... stfu

wanting was enough / for me it was enough / to live for the hope of it all / cancel plans just in case you’d call

SO MUCH FOR SUMMER LOVE AND SAYING US CAUSE YOU WERENT MIIIIIINE TO LOOOSE

illicit affairs.... im not saying it im not saying it im not saying it NO! NO! GOD NO! (kenstewy affair era) NOOOO NOBODY SAID THAT

hoax........... another daddy issues song to me......... but also shivorce..... it contains multitudes....

peace. to me peace is like. tomshiv before they had very obvious and insurmountable issues and when they maybe liked each other. i feel that shiv has a very (repressed) desire to love and be loved and just kind of cant do it but like.... in her heart she wanted them to work but also.... they did not <3 oh baby they did not <3

exile.... yea its gonna be the shivorce yea yea yea who was shocked. who was surprised.

seven you already know where its going. 

i’ve been meaning to tell you / i think your house is haunted / your dad is always mad and that must be why / and i think you should come live with me / and we can be pirates / then you won’t have to cry / or hide in the closet

knife to my fucking gut aside.... oh baby is he (kendall) hiding in the closet :P (im so silly)

my tears ricochet giving daddy issues sorry. 

i didnt have it in myself to go with grace / ‘cause when i’d fight you used to tell me i was brave

you had to kill me but it killed you just the same / cursing my name / wishing i stayed / you turned into your worst fears

not even gonna take a crack at this is me trying. figure it out for yourselves i cant open that can of worms. 

the 1 i wont say it (kenstewy)

mad woman... shivvy. honey. were gonna get you out of here. ITS OBVIOUS THAT WANTING ME DEAD HAS REALLY BROUGHT YOU TWO TOGETHER. 

evermore

many people have said to me (no people have said this) olivia. if illicit affairs is giving kenstewy affair for you. what about ivy. i cant really speak on it but it just doesnt give the same effect. it doesnt fit them to me. idk. 

coney island SHIVORCE. ANTHEM. 

did i close my fist around something delicate? / did i shatter you? yup. yup. 

champagne problems i do not feel particularly strongly about actually in relation to succession ( i feel very strongly about it in my every day life ) but. she wouldve made such a lovely bride what a shame shes fucked in the head. 

now the daddy issues sufferers will once again recognize that tolerate it is also a song about daddy issues. 

“i notice everything you do or dont do / youre so much older and wiser and i / wait by the door like im just a kid / use my best colors for your portrait” yea yea

“i made you my temple my mural my sky / now im begging for footnotes in the story of your life / drawing hearts in the by line / always taking up too much space or time”

midnights

one time i was listening to anti hero and was like haha its kind of kendall bc its so dramatic and shit but then i was like. there are very few circumstances where he would admit to being the problem.

ok sorry. sorry i know i said coney island shivorce anthem but MIDNIGHT RAIN. SHIVORCE ANTHEM. 

i broke his heart cause he was nice (STFU) / HE WAS SUNSHINE I WAS MIDNIGHT RAIN / HE WANTED IT COMFORTABLE I WANTED THAT PAIN / HE WANTED A BRIDE I WAS MAKING MY OWN NAME (!!!!!) / CHASING THAT FAME

havent thought in depth about this one but. maroon. tomshiv. boom

labyrinth is SO early tomshiv that it hurts. shiv liking tom and being like. fuck what the fuck what the fuck. no. 

great war everybody because everybody fucks each other up in multiple ways. they are all always having great wars. 

mastermind is also astronomically tomshiv. they are both mastermind and mastermind is them but particularly shiv.

no one wanted to play with me as a little kid / so ive been scheming like a criminal ever since / to make them love me and make it seem effortless / this is the first time i felt the need to confess

hits different so fucking embarrassingly kenstewy its EMBARRASSING. how kenstewy it is to my heart. 

i pictured you with other girls / in looooove / then threw up on the street. (tell me that is not young kenstewy)

MOVING ON WAS ALWAYS EASY FOR ME TO DO. IT HITS DIFFERENT. IT HITS DIFFERENT CAUSE ITS YOU.

wouldve. couldve. shouldve. need i say.... shivorce. and it goes BOTH WAYS. particularly first verse and the bridge

if you tasted poison you couldve / spit me out at the first chance

living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts / give me back my girlhood it was mine first

ok so sorry about this. i think im done now ( for now evil laugh). i think this was good for me. i do not have many fellow succession enjoyers in real life and do not wish to floor those who i am acquainted with. so i needed to write this down and throw it out here to drift away in the waters of oblivion.

cant believe taylor swift wrote so many songs about succession....

[goodnightmemes]

PITCH BLACK (2000) SENTENCE STARTERS

❛ They say most of your brain shuts down in cryo-sleep. All but the primitive side the animal side. ❜

❛ A long time between stops… A long time for something to go wrong. ❜

❛ We both die out of sheer fucking nobility? ❜

❛ I'm not gonna die for them. ❜

❛ Somebody's gonna get hurt one of these days. It ain't gonna be me. ❜

❛ So, I guess something went wrong? ❜

❛ This beast wasn't made to land like this, but... I think you did well. ❜

❛ Is he really that dangerous? ❜

❛ Booze? This is what you have to drink? ❜

❛ If the man is gone, he's gone. Why should he bother us? ❜

❛ If we're looking for water, we should leave soon. Before nightfall while it's cooler. ❜

❛ It's amazing how you can do without the necessities of life, provided you have the little luxuries. ❜

❛ Well, just keep your bloody eyes open. I don't want that dog sneaking up on my bloody ass. ❜

❛ Tell me something, did you run away from your parents or did they run away from you? ❜

❛ I thought I was the only one who got out of the crash alive. ❜

❛ You don't want to talk to me, that's your choice. But just so you know. There's a debate right now as to whether we should just leave you here to die. ❜

❛ It's a metallic taste, human blood. Copperish, but if you cut it with peppermint schnapps, that goes away quickly. ❜

❛ All you people are so scared of me. Most days I'd take that as a compliment. But ain't me you gotta worry about now. ❜

❛ Where the hell can I get eyes like that? ❜

❛ Did I kill a few people? Sure. Did I kill [name]? No, you got the wrong killer. ❜

❛ Look, murders aside, [name] belongs in the asshole hall of fame. ❜

❛ He loves to jaw-jack and loves to make you feel afraid, because that's all he has. You're playing right into it. ❜

❛ I thought I heard something. ❜

❛ Please! Can you hear me? I'm in here! I'm inside! ❜

❛ What's down there? What is it? ❜

❛ I don't know what the fuck is in there but whatever it is, it got [name] and it nearly got me. ❜

❛ Get it off me! Get it off me! ❜

❛ Finally found something worse than me, huh? ❜

❛ So here's the deal. You work without chains, without the bit, and without shivs You do what I say, when I say it. ❜

❛ The truth is, I'm tired of chasing you. ❜

❛ Are you saying you'd cut me loose? ❜

❛ My recommendation: Do me. Don't take the chance that I'll get shiv-happy on your wannabe ass. ❜

❛ Ghost me, motherfucker. That's what I would do to you. ❜

❛ I want you to remember this moment. The way it coulda gone and didn't. ❜

❛ These people didn't leave. Come on. They're all dead. ❜

❛ I know you don't prep your emergency ship unless there's a fucking emergency. ❜

❛ Whatever the fuck those things were, they seem to stick to darkness so if we stick to daylight we should be all right, okay? ❜

❛ You're not afraid of the dark, are you? ❜

❛ Now you may have noticed, but chains don't work on this guy. ❜

❛ You're dancing on razor blades here. ❜

❛ Bad sign. Shaking like that in this heat. ❜

❛ You scare me. That's what you want to hear, isn't it? ❜

❛ Don't waste my time. We're not gonna turn on each other no matter how hard you try. ❜

❛ I don't truly know what's gonna happen when the lights go out. ❜

❛ But I do know once the dying starts this little psycho-fuck family of ours is gonna rip itself apart. ❜

❛ I'll only be a few minutes. You wouldn't leave without me, would you? ❜

❛ Please, I really think we should go inside. ❜

❛ I'd rather piss glass. ❜

❛ You don't know what's out there. ❜

❛ We stick to the plan. ❜

❛ Look, I hate to ruin a beautiful theory with an ugly fact. ❜

❛ You deal with your own fear. ❜

❛ Why don't you shut your fucking mouth for two seconds and let me come up with a plan that doesn't involve mass suicide. ❜

❛ 'Cause you're 79 kilos of gutless white meat and that's why you can't think of a better plan. ❜

❛ We stay together, we keep the light burning. That's all we gotta do to live through this thing. ❜

❛ What is so goddam valuable in your life that you're wormed about losing? Is there anything at all? ❜

❛ You must stay close. ❜

❛ Look, this is not gonna work. We're gonna have to go back. ❜

❛ We are fucking disposable. We're just walking ghosts to you. ❜

❛ Ain't all of us gonna make it. ❜

❛ Battlefield doctors decide who lives and dies. It's called "triage". ❜

❛ Battlefield doctors decide who lives and dies. It's called "triage". – Kept calling it "murder" when I did it. ❜

❛ You should have never taken the chains off. ❜

❛ Back to the ship, huh?  Just huddle together until the lights burn out? 'Til you can't see what's eating you? That the big plan? ❜

❛ He died fast. And if we have any choice about it that's the way we should all go out. ❜

❛ Don't you cry for [name]. Don't you dare. ❜

❛ Because you do not believe in God does not mean God does not believe in you. ❜

❛ You got it all wrong. I absolutely believe in God. And I absolutely hate the fucker. ❜

❛ So where the hell's your God now? ❜

❛ Strong survival instinct. I admire that in a woman. ❜

❛ Come on. There's got to be some part of you that wants to rejoin the human race. ❜

❛ Please just come with me. ❜

❛ I got a better idea. Come with me. ❜

❛ You're fucking with me. I know you are. ❜

❛ No one's gonna blame you. Save yourself. ❜

❛ You'd die for them? ❜

❛ Yes, I would. I would die for them. ❜

❛ I said I'd die for them, not you. ❜

❛ Can we just get the hell out of here now? ❜

[amethystpath-writes]

Monsters and Legends

Don’t worry, it’s fluff :)

(NOT A PR0MPT)

Villain and hero need to stop a bigger villain by somehow acting as a couple, only for them to share a single room and a single bed (im grinning so hard rn) I giggled when I read this request:

******

The phone rang once, twice, three times.

“Why are you calling me?” Hero’s voice was a groan, one annoyed and filled with malice- or was it anxiousness?

Villain understood he was probably the last person Hero would want to hear from. Why would the bad guy of the city be calling her anyways, and how’d he find her number? Those were questions which Hero could ask later. For now- “I need your help,” Villain pleaded right away.

“You need my help?” Hero laughed brittlely on the other end of the line. That’s how Villain heard it, at least. “What makes you think I would ever help y-”

“Supervillain.”

The line went silent as the horror of such a simple name settled in. It wouldn’t matter to Hero how Supervillain’s name still existed- why it was still being muttered, unforgotten. All that meant was that Supervillain was still prevalent, which further meant something needed to be done.

“Is he still alive?”

Well, I suppose that’s a question I can answer for now. “Yes, that’s why I need you. I can’t vanquish him on my own, Hero.”

Yeah? What was Hero supposed to do about it? She wasn’t capable of fighting Supervillain, even if she fought him alongside Villain. The two of them together were still no match for such a beast, a mistake made by nature. Supervillain wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for his ill intentions.

“We beat him before, Hero,” Villain said after another long silence. “We can do it again.”

Hero said, “If we beat him before, then why is he back?” This wasn’t the first time Hero felt hopeless. Even before Supervillain, she had days where she was convinced Villain was unbeatable. She got past that part of her depression, obviously, but it didn’t mean that anxiety didn’t exist elsewhere- such as when it came to Supervillain. “Villain, I quit this business after the first round. I can’t…I can’t do it again.”

“I know.” Villain nodded, even knowing Hero wouldn’t see it on the phone pressed against her ear. “I know, and I get it.”

“If you did, you wouldn’t have called.”

Villain sighed. Maybe she was right, but… “You’re the only one I know who can pull this off.”

“Pull what off, Villain? What plan have you made up that you think might actually be enough? We killed Supervillain. We killed him, and yet you’re telling me that he’s alive? We can’t beat him.”

How could Villain say this? How did he portray this compliment without it sounding like an insult? “Where you lack in strength, you lead in intelligence. You- you’re able to think things out in a moment, whereas it takes me ages. You are so much more capable than you think you are and, believe it or not, I have always admired you.”

Right. Hero wasn’t so certain Villain was telling the truth. Sure, she was smart, and she could even admit that, but…intelligence couldn’t defeat an undead man. Even if it did, what made Villain say something kind to her? He would never spare a compliment to someone as poor as Hero; he wouldn’t spare an insult either. And anyways, who would admire an anxious mess? Not a villain, not by any means, right?

“Why do you need me? What has made you turn to a last resort?” Last resort, meaning asking anyone for help when Villain preferred to work alone.

Villain’s palms were sweating, his phone nearly sliding out of his hand the longer he remained on the line. “He wants my allegiance. Rejecting him would be a death sentence, and you know it. I don’t want to die. Not now. Not just yet. At the same time, I am not going to work for or with this guy.”

Hero was still failing to understand. “How do I fit into this,” she rephrased, “beyond you needing my intelligence?”

“Supervillain never knew you. He doesn’t know your face, your name, your priorities.”

“And?”

“And I told him I have a wife who insists on working with me.”

No. No, no, no. No. But she didn’t say this. “So, you are asking me to jeopardize my own life by appearing at your side as a fake wife who doesn’t know how to properly defend herself.”

“I could teach you, Hero. I’m trained. Strength means nothing if your opponent has technique. I can teach you,” Villain repeated, hands heating impossibly more. “Do this for me and I’ll- I’ll…”

Precisely. “There is nothing you can offer me, Villain.”

“If you don’t do this,” Villain returned, gripping his phone with white knuckles, and curled toes which dug into his carpeted floor, “everyone else will suffer for it. Yourself, included. I don’t know about you, but I think you’ve suffered enough.”

You don’t mean that, Hero wanted to say. You don’t mean anything nice that you’re saying. You’re just desperate. You know that I’ll do anything if it means someone will tell me they’re proud of me at the end of the day. She thought this of everyone- even herself, only she knew someone else was more likely to say they were proud of her than herself.

How did anyone ever call her a hero when she couldn’t even save her own mind from destroying itself?

Easy.

She was a villain to herself, and a hero to others.

“How do I know he’s alive? Am I supposed to take your word for it?”

Villain almost said yes, but he knew Hero would require proof. She didn’t trust herself, let alone anyone else in the world. “There is no evidence of him, but if you’d like to handcuff me every moment we are alone, then I suppose I will hand that to you as your security.”

Hero’s eyes widened. She didn’t have handcuffs; she was no officer, but for Villain to say that, and with such a serious tone…he wouldn’t say something so disadvantageous to him if he didn’t mean it- if it weren’t necessary to gain Hero’s assistance.

“What will it mean,” Hero asked, “to be your wife?”

***

“Supervillain paid for our room.”

Our room? Hero blinked hard before glancing around the hotel lobby. Well, it was beautiful, but Hero hardly had the brain capacity to think about that. “You said our room,” she commented, lips thin and an eyebrow quirked.

“We’re husband and wife.”

“We’re pretending to be husband and wife,” Hero said in a hush-hush tone, hand squeezing Villain’s for umph.

Even as she said it quietly, Villain scolded her lightly, “Lower your voice if you’re going to say things like that.” Villain began his trek to the elevator, arm extending behind him as Hero followed, hand still in his. As much as she hated this act, she sure did like to hold his hand, it seemed. Maybe it was her anxiety which told her any hand was a good hand, even if it were stained in life after life of blood and tears.

“I don’t want to share a room with you,” Hero whispered, so low that Villain wouldn’t have heard her fully had he not turned his ear towards her as they walked down the hall of the seventh floor. “How will I know you won’t take advantage of me?”

Right. No handcuffs. “You think I’d try to kill you after I called you and begged for your help?”

“It could be a trap,” Hero said, tugging her hand out of Villain’s, stopping in the middle of the hall.

“Maybe. But imagine if it isn’t a trap. Imagine you back out now, and the world goes extinct. What regrets would you have then? Surely, they wouldn’t be as bad as committing yourself to a trap, causing only yourself harm instead of billions.”

His tone wasn’t condescending, but it held such magnificence that Hero couldn’t help but cast her eyes downward and nod in silent guilt. Guilt because why couldn’t she have thought of such a scenario on her own? Was she selfish for being so afraid of Villain?

“You’re right.” Hero nodded. “You’re right and I’m sorry.”

Villain took her hand in his own again, softly, with fragile care. “You don’t need to apologize. Your nerves aren’t without reason. I’ll admit I’m not the most trustworthy man. I get it. Remember you are not jeopardizing yourself for me. You’re doing it for the world.”

***

The bed was comfortable- even with Villain laying by Hero’s side. Actually, Villain being by her side might have been what made it so comfortable. The blanket which the hotel provided was too warm, but the body heat which Villain radiated was just comfortable enough that Hero struggled to keep her distrusting eyes open.

“I don’t believe this,” Hero whispered in the dark of the room, expecting Villain to be fast asleep. Apparently, he slept as little as she did.

Villain rolled flat against the mattress before turning on his other side to face Hero, earning a light gasp of surprise from her. “About Supervillain?” he asked- suggesting that Supervillain was still alive.

After regaining a state of sanity, Hero mumbled that, yes, Supervillain being alive seemed unreal, but that wasn’t what she meant. She meant that she was laying next to a man who she both despised and was deathly frightened of, and yet she was comfortable with it- comfortable with his heat. It shouldn’t have meant much; it was only science at play, but it still irked her. Of course, Hero didn’t say any of this.

“It isn’t so bad sharing a bed, is it?” Villain yawned and did a little stretch with his arms, groaning as the skin and muscles of his torso stretched. “You have your side. I have mine.”

“Not so bad,” she agreed.

There was still a danger to it, Hero acknowledged. She was still side-by-side with a villain, still frightened by the thought of Villain silently reaching over the moment he heard Hero’s breathing slowing, pushing a knife against her sleeping body, and shiv her through without a thought. It was possible, and it was likely, wasn’t it?

“Have you thought about what you’ll do tomorrow?” Villain asked.

“Me?” Hero swallowed. “I…no, I haven’t thought about it.”

“That’s unlike you.”

Hero turned her head over her shoulder, finding Villain’s moonlight glinting eyes. “Asking someone for help is unlike you. What made you do it?”

“I couldn’t do it alone. I told you-”

“That’s not the truth. Well, it is, but it’s not the full truth.” Hero paused. “When have you ever admitted that you aren’t enough to accomplish a goal? You sought me out for my intelligence, but what else? You don’t ask for help, Villain. It’s not who you are.”

Silence followed, giving hero enough time to gather the courage it took to roll over, to face Villain with her whole body like he did with her before yawning.

“I’m scared,” Villain said, matter-of-factly. “I’m scared that when it is all over, then history will forget me for all the terrible things I’ve done.”

Confused, Hero asked, “Wasn’t the reason you chose the dark side because your crimes would be so extravagantly memorable?” This conversation wasn’t aiding Hero’s underlying fear of lying in bed with Villain. Still, she wanted answers.

“I realized I was wrong. If I don’t do something good for once, I’ll be remembered as a monster, and you see, I want to be remembered as a legend.” Villain drew in a deep breath, turning his head slightly away from Hero before exhaling. “There’s a difference between monsters and legends, I realized. Honour is legendary; Fear is monstrous. Having said that, there’s no fear in honour, so what’s the point in all those criminal activities except mindlessness and naivety? It’s not as fun or rewarding as I thought it’d be.”

“You stay awake and think at night like I do, don’t you?”

Villain nodded. Hero nodded.

Hero’s hand slid across the sheets until her fingertips touched Villain’s. Holding his hand was comforting when she considered they would be meeting Supervillain tomorrow- that Villain’s face would be the only familiar one, the only one she could trust even though she hardly even trusted it at all.

Hearing what Villain said now, in the deepest stage of the night…maybe he was worth trusting.

Maybe there was a good reason she was holding his hand.

And maybe there was a good reason she enjoyed the warmth that rolled off her body.

Maybe there was a reason beyond anxiousness and fear that made Hero’s heart beat a little faster than usual.

“Do you think we could both be legends?” Hero asked, to which Villain responded, with a tight squeeze of Hero’s hand:

“I do.”

It wasn’t the only time he would utter those words. Next time, Hero would be wearing a white gown, and Villain, a tux.

[solrika]

Directly follows the “FACE ME” fight scene. Nighttime on the Ghost.

~

Every time Kallus thought he was about to drop off, something would jerk him awake–the Ghost’s pipes creaking, a clatter from Sabine’s room, murmuring from the cockpit. He hadn’t had this much trouble sleeping since—

Well. Maybe he shouldn’t be surprised. 

Groaning quietly, Kallus scrubbed his hands down his face. They hadn’t shook during the fight–thank all the little gods–but now the tremor in his left wrist was back. No matter how he tried, he couldn’t find the right position to unpinch the nerve in his shoulder. Probably wouldn’t, until his body accepted that he was safe. 

A soft whimper shook him from his thoughts. Ezra was having another nightmare. Something else that shouldn’t be surprising, considering the day they’d had. 

Kallus stared up into the darkness. 

Kriff it.

Rolling to his feet, he nudged gently at Ezra’s shoulder until the kid’s eyes fluttered open. The way Ezra immediately groped under the pillow for his little shiv made Kallus’ heart clench. 

“Mnh—Kallus? ‘S everything okay?”

Kallus gave him a lopsided smile. “You were having bad dreams—no, don’t apologize, I wasn’t sleeping anyway. If it wasn’t you, it would be Sabine’s tinkering or Hera and Kanan chatting in the cockpit.” 

Ezra managed a weak little smile back. “We’re all having trouble tonight, huh?” 

“Indeed.” Kallus couldn’t help shifting his weight nervously. It was so easy to scare off a teenager—maybe, if he led with his own vulnerability, instead of pointing out Ezra’s… “I don’t know what’s keeping the others up, but I always hate running into Lasats.” 

“Oh?” Ezra shook the fringe out of his eyes, squinting curiously down at Kallus. Human eyes really were useless in the dark. 

“The Emperor likes using them to take down the stronger species. We were one of the ones targeted.” He didn’t know if Ezra’s powers let him sense emotions like Kanan, but just in case, he shoved his grief down behind his mental shields. There was no need to drown the kid in sadness. 

Ezra grimaced apologetically. “Aw, Kallus.” And then, with that sweetness so often hidden under his prickly little exterior, he added, “Can I do anything?” 

“Yes, actually.” Kallus nodded at his blankets. “Grab your bedding and take it down to the hold. I’ll get Sabine and meet you there.” 

Ezra’s squint turned suspicious. “Are you going to try and cuddle me?”

Kallus couldn’t help a snort of laughter. “No, Ezra, you’re going to cuddle me.” He left before Ezra could sputter out a reply, trusting the kid’s curiosity to get him where Kallus wanted him. 

Sabine’s door remained closed at Kallus’ knock until he called, “It’s me.”

There was a gratifyingly fast patter of footsteps, and then the door slid open and Sabine was peering up at him. “Why are you still up?”

Instead of retorting, “Why are you?” Kallus just grimaced, turning his head so the bright light from her room wouldn’t hurt his eyes. “Sabine, you know why.” 

“Oh.” From the corner of his eyes, he could just catch the edge of her little snarl. “That Lasat.” 

“Mm.” He blew out a long breath. “Would you–”

“Of course.” Her little hand patted his shoulder. “Of course, Kallus.”

He slanted her a smirk. “Even if I’ve wrangled Bridger into it, too?” 

The pat turned into a punch, but Sabine grumbled, “As long as you keep him quiet, sure.” 

After they gathered up her preferred bedding, they headed to the hold. Sure enough, Ezra was already there, a confused little frown on his face. Kallus just smiled at him and headed to the crate that held the huge sleeping mat, leaving Ezra to mutter at Sabine, “What are we doing here?” 

Sabine heaved the put-upon sigh of elder siblings everywhere, but replied, “We’re helping Kallus sleep.” 

“Yeah, but… How?”

Kallus stifled his laughter when Sabine replied, “We’re cuddling him. Obviously.” When that just got disbelieving silence, she added, “You know he’s not human, right?” 

“Yeah, so?”

“His species is supposed to sleep together. He’s, like–” Her voice dropped, a sweet attempt to hide Kallus’ problems from himself–with his ears, it didn’t work, but he still appreciated the effort. “He’s lonely, Ezra. And I think today…” Voice going even quieter, she added, “I think he was scared, too.”

Kallus could practically feel Ezra chewing that over. Maybe it was a Jedi thing. Finally, the boy asked, “You’re sure we can help?”

“Yeah. I’ve done this before. It works like,” Sabine snapped her fingers. “Pretty sure it’s something biological.” 

“Okay.” When Kallus glanced their way, it was to see Ezra straightening his spine in determination. “I’ll try, then.”

Gods, they’re cute. Kallus could see why the Mando’ade went crazy over children. That, though, would stay firmly locked in his own head, safely away from teenage squawks of outrage. With a final heave, he freed the sleeping pad from its crate. A generous shaking got the dust off. 

He dragged it over to the teenagers, letting it fall with an unceremonious plop. “Alright. Back up, you two. And turn around for a moment.” 

Even as Sabine dragged him backwards, Ezra asked, “But why?” 

Kanan’s going to have his hands full with that one. 

Trusting Sabine to keep his dignity intact, Kallus shucked off his clothes, and reached for the shift. Today–tonight?--it hurt more than usual, his bones protesting the stretch. At least it went quick. He ignored the part of himself fretting over the energy expenditure, reminding it that the Ghost had a fully-stocked pantry. He could eat all he wanted, whenever he wanted. 

And this was worth it. 

He gave himself a shake, settling himself into his larger shape. “Alright, all done. You can turn around.” 

He’d never seen Ezra’s eyes go so wide.

Smugly, Sabine said, “I told you he wasn’t human.” 

“Don’t tease,” Kallus scolded, bending down so he could look Ezra in the eye. “Still me, Jabba. Just bigger.” 

“You have wings,” Ezra breathed, raising a hand before snatching it back.

Kallus chirped in amusement. Settling on his haunches, he stretched out one wing-arm, keeping his claws politely tucked in. “You can touch.” 

“Woah…” Ezra’s hands were gentle on the relatively fragile skin of the wing membrane, skating along the folds between wing-fingers before carefully brushing the back of Kallus’ knuckles. The tremor was still there when Kallus rotated his hand to let Ezra inspect his thumb and free fingers. Like this, though, with Ezra’s skin warm against his palm, Kallus could forget it. 

“Yes, yes, ori’vod’s very impressive,” Sabine grumbled. Throwing her arms out at the bedding, she added, “But can we please lie down? I’m tired.” 

“I’ll take you flying when we have free time planetside,” Kallus promised Ezra. 

“Wizard.”

Kallus chirped again when Sabine threw him an exasperated look, and obediently got up, brushing past Ezra to settle on the mat. It only took a little wriggling before he found the indent he’d made in its middle. Sabine wasted no time getting under a wing, dragging her blankets with her. Ezra was more cautious, hovering by Kallus’ side like he wasn’t sure he was allowed. 

Kallus promptly tucked him closer, explaining, “I need to feel your breathing.” 

“Oh! Okay.” Ezra settled his head against Kallus’ ribs to listen to the low thrum starting up in his chest. “Why are you making that noise?”

“It’s a little like a purr.” Kallus debated which side to settle his head on, before finally just stretching his neck out straight. 

He took a deep breath, held it. Focused on the gentle feeling of pressure on each flank. Listened to the unhurried rhythm of their lungs. Closed his eyes. Let the breath out, slowly, and this time something in his shoulders relaxed. 

It wasn’t like being in the colony. But it was enough. 

He fell asleep to Sabine whispering, “See? I told you.”

[crispyjenkins]

Can we get a fic where Jaster somehow gets sent to the future or something and him reacting to the clones? (Being pissed off that his ad would do something like this to these poor kids/ just reacting to them?)

(this one was so. fecking. hard. to write, i’ve been struggling with it for weeks, but i’m glad i did, because this is by far the best version i made of it. it’s interesting in how much my opinion of jango’s decision to be the template has changed since i first got this ask, and i was definitely coming at it with this post in mind for their characterisations here.

i love hondo. so you get hondo knowing jaster from pre-civil war days, and i don’t care if canon disagrees: hondo ohnaka has been terroising house mereel for three generations.

also i’ve already had a few people donate to my ko-fi and i’m completely floored by your kindness and generosity, and i sat down with this fill knowing i wanted to get it out as soon as possible. i sincerely love you all, i hope you’re all healthy and being as safe as possible.)

Alt+R to Quick Reblog on Desktop, Hold the Reblog Symbol to Quick Reblog on Mobile

  “Oh, Jango? We keep him here.” —Lama Su, AotC

-

  By some will of the Ka’ra, it’s Boba that finds him.

  The possibility of dying in his ad’s arms hadn’t exactly crossed Jaster’s mind until it happened, like a nightmare he had never even had. For the first time since the Fett farm burned, Jaster cursed the Ka’ra, and he curses them again when he wakes up not marching* to the stars, but standing knee-deep in the snows of Galidraan

  And the Ka’ra make sure he knows it’s Galidraan though he had never been there, just as he somehow knows Jango is long-since dead. That he is a dislocated bone in the universe, snapped out of time and place and thrown into a future where Jango’s face stares at him from a body that is not his.

  “Oh,” the teen with Jango’s nose says, the snow coming all the way up to their thighs, and they don't look dressed nearly warm enough for this biome. “Did Hondo send you?”

  Jaster blinks at them. “Did...? No, ad’ika, I have not spoken to Hondo in many years.” Maybe he shouldn’t be surprised Hondo is even still alive, Maker knows Jaster’s tried to kill him enough times himself, but if the number of years since his death on Korda Six is as many as he thinks it is, surely someone would have shot him by now.

  The teen doesn’t wear beskar’gam —it’s unlikely they’re even old enough to— but the style of the armor they do wear cannot be inspired by anything else, just reminiscent enough of evaar’gam that Jaster can’t help comparing every little detail about them with the faded image of Jango in his mind.

  “Then who the kriff are you?” They eye Jaster warily, left hand twitching towards the vibroblade at their hip.

  Promising to strangle every one of the Ka’ra when he can finally march away, and throwing the last of his caution down to the snow between them, Jaster simply says, “Jaster Mereel.”

  Impossibly, though maybe not entirely, not-Jango doesn’t laugh at him, or call him crazy, or even try to shoot him with the rifle slung over their shoulder. No, they straighten to their full height, and—

  And swear so colorfully in Huttese that Jaster knows this hell-child has absolutely been raised by Hondo Ohnaka.

-

  Boba takes him to the ruins of Kamino first, where the kriffing Sith Empire has destroyed another one of his people’s homes. 

  The growth labs were all blown into the ocean by imperial ilk soon after the formation of the empire, but the barracks and some of the training rooms still stand above the waves. In the ship he says belonged to Jango, Boba steers them to a dilapidated landing pad, controlling the Slave I (Maker, had Jaster really left Jango to that fate?) far too easily through the rubble for this to be his first time to return, and Jaster tries not to think about what that means.

  Walking the dark, grimy white halls, seeing the narrow bunks and bare req rooms, he then tries not to think about a child being raised in such a place, about hundreds of thousands of children being raised in such a place. How had Jango... chosen this for them?

  “I only have his stories,” Boba tells him quietly, when he shows Jaster the tiny apartment the Kaminoans had given them to “keep Jango close”. It’s bigger than most captain’s cabins, to be sure, but it is just as plain and white as the rest of the facility. “But he couldn’t even get one hundred Mandalorians to come and train the... clones.” He shuffles his feet uncomfortably as Jaster looks into the cupboard-sized kitchen and tries not to break down at the package of Mandalorian chiles rotted away on the counter. “Everyone else was New Mandalorian or Death Watch.”

  “And the rest... they fell at the Battle of Galidraan?”

“Buir always called it a massacre,” he looks away. “Only a handful of the Cuy’val Dar even considered themselves True Mandalorians, buir was there when the Jedi killed the rest.”

  Jaster inhales deeply, takes a few moments to steady himself, and is sickeningly, horrifyingly relieved. By the Maker, but knowing Jango had had no one left before his Kamino contract, that not even Skirata followed the codex anymore, that Jango had only taken the job after forcing Tyranus to give him an unaltered clone, makes Jaster guilty for having doubted his foundling. It doesn’t excuse anything, of course, but knowing Jango had done it all for aliit, well, it does make it easier to swallow.

  Boba leads him back out of the apartment, he had already stripped it of anything important years ago, and they don’t stick around after reboarding the Slave I. Only after they’re out of atmosphere with hyperspace coordinates for Tatooine in the astronav system does Boba join Jaster in the tiny galley with a bottle of tihaar that Jaster should probably reprimand him for, but won’t.

  “He tried to pretend he didn’t care, about the others,” Boba says and doesn’t even bother to find them glasses, “I think some days he even believed it.”

  “He always was stubborn as a rancor.”

  Boba takes a long pull from the bottle before passing it across the table. “Tyranus scared the shit out of me back then, he was too... put together, too fancy. Buir didn’t like him, I don’t know why he even did the tryout for him, the pay wasn’t even that great?”

  Rubbing his left eye until he sees stars, Jaster stares down into the bottle until he can come up with a way to explain core Mandalorian beliefs to a child that had barely a decade of living as one before that, too, had been taken from him. “If Jang’ika took that job intending to come out on the other side, I’ll kiss whatever Vizsla is left.”

  Boba’s mouth twists and he kicks his heels against the floor, not waiting for Jaster to hand it to him to grab the tihaar back. “Buir was an idiot,” he says, like the solve to a simple math problem, and Jaster can’t but agree.

  He sighs. “Unfortunately, he probably got that from somewhere.”

  “I mean, at least Montross didn’t live long enough to end up as the template? Kriffing fuck, can you imagine if the Jedi had had to work with that shabuir’s clones?”

  “Maybe the war would have ended sooner,” he muses and accepts the bottle, “surely this Emperor would have tired of his face much sooner than Jango’s.”

  “Or the Coruscant Guard would have shivved Palpatine in his sleep and tried to take over the Republic; what’s one betrayal of your leader to another?”

  “Then I’d like to think Jango would put him, them, in their place for a third time.”

  Snorting, Boba pushes to his feet to, presumably, check on the autopilot. “If buir would have even let it get that far, then I’ll kiss Vizsla.”

-

  “Old friend!” Hondo shouts as soon as he sees them, and Jaster winces, nursing his first hangover since his twenties.

  “Ohnaka,” he returns, and pretends he doesn’t notice the subtle way Boba brightens as Hondo comes to clap them both on the shoulders.

  The old pirate just chuckles and starts to steer them both back across the hangar bay to his latest junk ship. “I heard you died, Mand’alor,” he says casually, like the title isn’t cursed to the ka’ra and back, like it hadn’t been three decades since anyone had dared call someone from his house such a thing so sincerely.

  “I did.”

  “I found him on Galidraan,” Boba offers. “Is that why you told me to go?”

  Hondo scoffs, and Jaster would say he was flustered if he didn’t know him better. “No, I told you to go because Aurra had a job for you, that you seem to have forgotten about in your haste to bring my long lost best friend back to me.”

  Boba scowls. “Aurra wasn’t at the meeting place, laandur, it was a kriffing mynock chase and you know it.”

  Jaster side eyes his old “friend”, and wonders again about his preternatural... luck in all things pirate-related, despite being a boisterous mess of a man most of the time. If this Aurra had even been on the planet when Boba got there, Jaster will kiss Vizsla twice. 

-

Mando’a: Ka'ra — an ancient Mandalorian story, ruling council of fallen kings, “stars” ad — “child”, gender neutral 'ika — diminutive suffix, similar to the suffix “ita/o” in Spanish. generally used only by close family and friends beskar'gam — Armour made of beskar, “Mandalorian Iron” that was actually probably a steel alloy evaar'gam — lit. “youth armour”, fan name for the interim armour/garb Mandalorians would have worn before building their kit of beskar’gam buir — “parent”, gender neutral  Cuy'val Dar — “Those who no longer exist”, group of 75 Mando’ade and 25 others put together by Jango to train the clones aliit — “clan”, “family” tihaar — Mandalorian strong clear spirit made from fruit shabuir —  an extreme insult, mostly accepted in fandom to be an insult of an individual’s ability to parent (from buir), which is an intrinsic part of Mandalorian psyche and identity  laandur — used here as “weak”, “pathetic”, but is usually used as “delicate”, “fragile”

*in reference to the Mando’a word for the dead/deceased “taab'echaaj'la”, or “marched far away”, best explained in the Mando’a tribute to dead comrades, “not gone, merely marching far away”.