#i’ll never understand how people can be shown there issues another group is facing and then when steps are taken to combat those issues

[plumpengu]

if i had a nickel for every time i saw whiny snowflakes reacting to the issues of marginalized communities being addressed and said communities being supported by complaining that they as the oppressors are actually the ones being attacked within the last 24 hours… well I’d only have two nickels, but that’s far too many

[writingsweetroll]

**Summary: Louis has worries for his one year old, and Clementine soothes them by opening up about her own issues.**

Louis tried his best to not toss and turn, he really hated these beds. They were so springy, you do anything on it, so much as lay a hand on the mattress and it would make a springy noise. The noise wouldn’t annoy him as much if Clementine wasn’t laying beside him, he quickly found out she was a very light sleeper. It broke his heart that she wasn’t born a light sleeper, she just adapted to being one due to all of the trauma she faced. He wanted to make sure she got as much sleep as she could- so tossing and turning would definitely awaken her and that was the last thing he wanted.

So, he lay stiff as a board. Looking above to the mattress above him. He anxiously counted the number of bars holding the bed above him, distracting his mind to the best of his abilities. Because every time he couldn’t sleep at night, his mind went to dark places. *You have no idea what you’re doing.* He would think. That main thought spiraled out of control to other thoughts. But, that one main thought started from the time he was child, to now. It adapted to whatever situation he was in. As a child, ‘You have no idea what you’re doing’ related to the spelling bee, now, it is related to parenting his one year old daughter.

He grabbed the chair next to the desk, and placed it near the bed. He sat on it and watched her sleep soundly. A warm feeling was felt in his chest, unknowingly smiling ear to ear. He examined her features, and the midnight moon shone upon her face. She mainly had Louis’ features, his freckles, skin color, and eye shape. But, her lashes were full and her eyes were as golden as Clementines, her hair was also kinky just like Clementines. She was a perfect mix between the two.

*You don’t know what you’re doing, do you?*

Louis furrowed his brows as the thought entered his mind. No matter how many baby books he read, or conversations with Clementine he had about how to raise a baby into childhood, his mind was never satisfied with himself.

*To put your girlfriend through so much pain during her pregnancy, so selfish to bring a kid into this world, you’re a monster.*

That wasn’t true. Louis knew it. It wasn’t a mindless decision or an accident, it was multiple conversations and respectful debates about when or if they should start a family. After weeks, they decided together that they wanted a family, and they had enough resources to do so. And the pregnancy went better than expected, minor pain here and there, and the delivery had no scares. Thankfully, whenever Louis would remember this, it seemed as if thoughts grew quieter, and instead he imagined a world where the apocalypse wasn’t here. He wondered what her parents would think of him, or Lee, even Kenny. He didn’t know much about them, but he knew enough to know she cared deeply for them.

Suddenly, his daughter sniffled, causing him to go into panic mode. He calmed himself down once she went back to her normal state. It was spring, and it was just allergies but he was still terrified of her getting sick. Louis sighed, slouching against the chair now.

Although Louis truly thought he didn’t know what he was doing, he knew one thing. He’ll never be like his parents. His father, manipulative and a gas-lighter. His mother ignored it and was just focused on her public image instead.

*“Chin up, baby.” His mother whispered down to him. “Play your little piano and smile.”*

*His mother’s tone was sweet, and caring. But Louis wasn’t stupid. He knew his family milked his skills during fancy business parties like these ones. But, he played the piano nonetheless, because this was the only time he could truly feel like he had an audience that enjoyed his talent, his dream.*

*“My son! Ladies and gentlemen!” Louis’ father widened his arms towards Louis playing the piano. Families of prestigious wealth clapped for him. In this moment it was bitter sweet, should he feel happy that people enjoyed his music, or should he feel angry that his parents only supported him if it benefited them? Louis brushed off the confusing feelings and instead put his emotions into his music, making it authentic and oddly charming.*

*“Beautiful, Mandisa.” A woman patted his mothers shoulder. “You’ve raised a wonderful son.”*

Louis slightly groaned in irritation. ‘*They raised a horrible kid.’* Louis thought to himself. Now that he was older, he realized that he shouldn’t have beat himself up as much as he did when he was 17. Guilt had always occupied his mind when he thought about what he did, how he broke up his parents. But in reality, they raised him like that. They raised him to think of yourself first, not others. Survival of the fittest.

*“Please, I have a family William!”*

*Louis sat on the couch with his mother, they were just chatting when they heard the commotion coming from the office room. His father opened the door and held his hand out. “You’re not needed anymore, Mark.”*

*“I-I’m not needed?! Are you serious!? I helped you start this business, what the fuck man?!”*

*“But- Mark. You seem to forget. People like me. People like my beautiful ‘exotic’ wife, people love my son. What do you have Mark? A regular housewife, who’s pregnant and unattractive? A son who doesn’t excel in school? He doesn’t even have a talent to show off. You’re dragging me down. You understand, don’t you?”*

*“Excuse me?! The fuck did you-” Mark gulped as a security guard walked up behind him. “Fine.” Mark muttered.*

*The guard escorted the man out. Louis’ father looked at Louis with a smile, as if he didn’t just ruin someone’s life. “See son,” he started. “-sometimes, we have to make the hard decisions to get what we desire. It’s just business. Nothing personal.”*

Business came first, passion and feelings came last. That way of life ruined his childhood. He believed from a young age hurting others to get what he wanted was ok.

He gently stroked Willows head, *‘I’ll never teach you that.’* He thought to himself. No matter what, he’ll always make sure she knew it was ok to express herself, to talk about her feelings. He wanted her to know that no matter the situation, she was loved and *accepted.*

“I promise.” He whispered. “I promise I’ll give you a better life than mine.”

Suddenly, he felt slender arms wrap around his neck, a semi-heavy weight on his shoulders. He smiled, hearing Clementine mumble something out of exhaustion.

“What was that, darling?” Louis asked, holding her forearm.

“You’re doing great.” She yawned. “You don’t have to keep worrying Louis. You love her and that’s—“

“The bare minimum, Clem.” Louis cut her off.

“-not really. Not anymore.” Clementine said sadly. “Even back then, dads used to run out on their kids, unable to either provide a stable life or love. You could’ve ran out so many times, so many opportunities and you didn’t.”

“Why would I ever do that?” Louis replied, almost offended.

“I’ve seen it happen before. Of course I knew you wouldn’t but…there’s always that lingering exit you can take, and the urge is probably there for you-“

“Clementine.” Louis said sternly, waking her up a little. “I would *never* do that. Do you really think that?”

Clementine stayed quiet. In reality, no. Of course she knew Louis would never leave. It was just her inner insecurities popping out, she’d hidden it for years but it came out eventually. The *constant* fear that she would be alone again lingered in her mind. Louis noticed her silence and sighed. He got off his chair, and then hugged her tightly.

“Isn’t it crazy?” Louis chuckled.

“What?”

“How we only started dating a month into knowing each other.” Louis started, caressing her arm a bit. “Now, we’re in a family together. Clementine, I didn’t fight a war with you, fell for you in the middle of it, wrote songs about you, spent literally almost every second with you for the past 4 years to just leave.” Louis reassured.

“But now we have a kid.”

“Even more of a reason to stay. I mean *who* can actually say they have a kid with the most beautiful, bad-ass woman of the apocalypse world? Only me! I’d be a fool to run from that.” Louis joked.

She shook her head, a big smile on her face. Louis kissed the top of her head, pushing her slightly towards the bed, there he dropped her on it. She got into a comfortable position, and Louis lay next to her.

“I was serious.” Clementine broke the silence. “When I said you’re doing great. It’s not only the love you have for her Louis. You don’t even go to sleep before she does. Even though I tell you I got it. You care deeply for her and that *is* enough.”

Louis sighed, twiddling his fingers with one another, only staring at the bars above him. “I know. Thanks. Sometimes it just feels like I’m not enough, even before Willow.”

“Louis…” Clementine muttered sadly. The thought of him degrading himself saddened her. She sat up, grabbing his curious glance. Clementine took off her oversized sweater, a tank-top underneath. There was enough moon-light to see the faint, pink branded mark on her arm. She slid her fingers over it slightly, a grimace appearing on her face.

“You finally gonna reveal the meaning behind that?” Louis chuckled, over the years, she’d always refuse. ‘*The past doesn’t matter.’* She’d say.

Although he was joking, she wasn’t.

“I got this when I was 13.” Clementine started.

Louis shifted himself upwards, a frown shown on his face as he eyed the scar.

“I only did it to make sure AJ was safe. But, then he got ripped apart from me in the same group. After that, I had nothing more to lose. And when you have nothing to lose…you do scary, stupid things. I was horrible, Louis. I wasn’t the same person you know today.”

Louis nodded, taking in her words to the best of his ability. Trying not to react negatively in anyway.

“After I got AJ back—I only had *him.* If anyone ever—and I mean, *anyone* tried anything to hurt or kill him, I wouldn’t hold back. Yes I love AJ. I really do, but that feeling of hopelessness for your own self is so damaging.” Clementine opened up. After a brief moment of silence she continued. “I didn’t have hope for my own life, only for his. I didn’t mind if I got bit, as long as he was safe, I didn’t care. Not because I was sad or anything but because I just felt like this world wasn't for me. When I was a kid, I loved to be social, playful even. I've changed so much, I was forced to. I used to be innocent. Now, I'm finally getting some sort of my old self back."

Clementine grabbed Louis’ hand and squeezed it slightly. “You saved me.” She said, her tone hoarse. Louis squeezed back on her hand.

"I'm glad to be of service." He smiled at her. “I love you.”

She smiled, and kissed his cheek. “I love you too, Louis.”

[stellocchia]

You know what? I just realised that the Red Egg is just another morally gray character who’s actually justified in it’s action if you look at them from it’s point of view...

(Just a disclaimer: this whole post will be sarcastic and made to point out some inconsistencies I’ve seen in various apologists arguments, I’ll try to make it clear troughout, but still, bear this in mind. It is also a critique of the FANDOM and NOT OF THE CHARACTERS)

Now you’ll ask: how can we justify the actions of a manipulative weird ass Egg/plant thing that feeds on human flesh and is Hell bent on world domination? Well, you’ll see that some arguments can be made in favour of it that are absolutely identical to some of the most popular ones that have been made about other well known characters (such as c!Dream or c!Techno, maybe others... I’ll see as I go). 

Discussion under the cut... this will be a long one.

First argument: The Egg was always clear about it’s intentions. The Egg never hid from it’s followers (or allies if you may, after all power imbalance is rarely taken into account when analyzing relationships in this fandom...) that it’s objective was to expand, eat and unify the server under it’s guidance. This in and of itself, of course, already justifies somewhat the Eggs actions (after all, this argument is what “justified” Techno’s actions on november 16th and forward, why shouldn’t we apply it to other characters?). Honesty after all is always a good justifications for someone’s wrongdoings, no matter their impact on others. 

Second argument: The Egg’s true objective is unity, which is ultimately good. How do we know that’s the Eggs true objective? Well, it’s the one that BBH, main interpreter of the Egg, insists most about. The Egg followers want to create unity under the Egg, easy as that. And unity being necessarily a good thing (as told to us by Ranboo with his “no sides” ideals and Dream with his “one big happy famaily” statement) means that the Egg at least got good intentions. Also wanting to unite people under your rule or system of belief is in no way tyrannical or wrong, and violence is always justified if your objective is ultimately positive (this is why, after all, neither Dream nor Techno or Phil were in the wrong when imposing their ideologies on others trough means of extreme violence and this is why Dream’s actions can not be defined as tyrannical while his ultimate objective was ultimate control)

You may wonder though, before we get to the next point, how can we just entirely trust the Eggs words with absolutly no critical analysis of it’s actions and without consulting any pov external from that of it’s followers? Well, that’s simply because we have absolutely no reason to believe the Egg is in any way an unreliable narrator, therefore we can take anything it says, either out loud or to it’s followers, as the absolute truth. Also we can assume without watching any external pov that anyone opposing the Egg is inherently biased, therefore it’s entirely useless to try and understand their point of view. (We have other examples of character like this in the story already, such as: Technoblade, Phil and Dream. Any statement they make can be taken as absolute fact regarding their motivation, actions or ideologies and any statement opposing what they say is to be discarded as biased or worthless)

Third argument: The Egg has given a lot to it’s followers, therefore is deserving of their absolute loyalty and it’s absolutely justified in harming them in retaliation if they shift sides (aka if they betray it). Now, I know what you’re thinking: “This sounds very manipulative and not okay, you can’t simply buy someone’s loyalty or friendship! They shouldn’t owe you if you give them something freely!”... well... you’re wrong. The Egg has given them so much! It gave them the power to achieve any of their desires and offers to do so for anyone who’d follow it. It even helped BBH when his best friend Skeppy got infected by healing him and giving BBH a cause to believe in and a group to belong to. It did so for Ant and Punz too, as well as trying to do so for many others. It just asked for their love in exchange! Can’t believe some people like Puffy would just stop loving it once she recognized that that relationship had changed her into someone she didn’t want to be! The Egg is fully justified in wanting her dead after her betrayal... (much like Techno and Phil were absolutely justified in Doomsday and in working with Dream as Tommy had betrayed them with no valid motivation whatsoever. If they’d killed him as he was on his last life they’d also be justified)

Some may wonder why is the Egg also justified in wanting to kill Tommy or in hurting Sam since they never technically betrayed it? Well, Tommy is annoying (God this actually hurts to write, it’s so damn stupid) and also a liability. For the Greater Good some sacrifices must be made and it’s fine for things to get destroyed or people to die as long as it is for a just cause. Also Sam getting hurt was just an unfortunate but necessary thing for him to learn his lesson not to oppose the Egg and be a hinderance for it. (Again: the abolishment of governaments was the ultimate and undoubtedly good objective of both Doomsday and the November 16th war which makes any and all casualties and propriety damage in both of this events excusable. Also it has been proven already that the only True and Right way to teach a “lesson” is trough violence by characters such as: Dream, Phil, Techno, Niki and Jack and confirmed by: Ranboo and Hbomb, we can therefore assume that this is true and also justified. If a character is considered an annoyance the justification points for using violence to teach them a lesson is doubled!)

Fourth argument: The Egg has often been used or talked about as a tool to get power, this is dehumanizing and it grants it free range to utterly detroy anyone who it percieves to have done so. While the precedent for this point is very muddled and hard to prove and The Egg has only gone after one of the people (Tommy) who wanted to use it for profit, it’s still worth pointing out and can be used as an excuse later on. Do we have no proofs of this happening? Do people start actually considering it a living breathing evil creature as soon as it shows to not be an inanimate plant and actually start immediately treating it as such? Has this never been pointed out by the Egg or it’s followers and has the Egg never expressed feeling uncomfortable with people’s views of it as well as ingoraging some of them itself? None of this matters! As long as The Egg starts expressing a belief that this happened way after with nothing to back it up it will still be to be taken at face value and it will be a valid reason to demonize any and all people who oppose it! (While an argument can actually be made for the Egg being dehumanized as it in no way, shape or form presents any similarities to an actual human, not from a moral, psychological or physical point of view, there are actually 0 proofs of this happening with our precedent for this point which is Techno, aside from his say so, this point is, however, just as valid for him. It doesn’t matter if something never happened as long as Techno perceives it as if it did). 

The trauma that the dehumanization and betrayals may have caused could also be used as a further justification for all of the Eggs actions, though only if it is shown in the most mainstream and romanticized version of it and none of the ugly/debilitating aspects of ptsd are ever presented in any way (*cough* Ranboo, Techno and Phil to varying degrees *cough*), we don’t want such a sympathetic character lashing out, not being Sad all the time, shutting people off, being rude, being brash or talk too loudly, it would just ruin it all for everybody. Also the trauma should possibly not affect it in any significant ways and never actually be brought up if not in eloquent monologues to other characters for maximum effect (*cough* Techno again *cough*)

So, let’s recap: The Egg may be considered morally gray (no more or less then other characters though as only one shade of gray exists) as it did some things that may be perceived as excessive (mostly harming Sam as he is a conventionally likeable character who also has no amnesia or other mental health issues and, therefore, is the only type of character who’s feelings should be taken into account), but it’s mostly justified in it’s doings. 

If none of this arguments seem to make sense and you think they don’t excuse the Egg’s actions (aka a demonic being with no sense of human morals) they should also be considered utterly worthless for any other character (all of them way more worthy of being held accountable for thir own actions) as well...

[hellpark]

GREGORY: My my, this sure is a popular question, isn’t it?

GREGORY: I can’t see why any of you would be taking interest in that traitorous rat, though.

GREGORY: Running the others off to safety while we were trying to deal with business.

GREGORY: It’s bad enough with all of the ruckus he causes on a daily basis in Hell, now he’s choosing to do it on the overworld as well.

ESTELLA: Are you talking about Tweek, over there?

ESTELLA: That scraggly, disease-ridden manchild will surely get what is coming to him.

ESTELLA: I hope he enjoys the strain of problems he’s created for us.

GREGORY: There are people asking about him, can you believe it?

GREGORY: They-- ohoh, this is actually quite funny.

GREGORY: They think he’s from the land of the living, how charming.

ESTELLA: Heavens, that problematic boil on the under-fold of a old man’s neck wouldn’t stand a chance up here on earth.

GREGORY: Right?

GREGORY: Anyway-- to answer all of your questions...

GREGORY: He’s always been in Hell, right to his very upbringing.

GREGORY: He was hellborn, several years before the new era of Hell.

GREGORY: About ten or even years before I died, making him... eighteen or nineteen now, I believe?

GREGORY: All I recall is that his birthday is on Halloween.

GREGORY: Funny enough, Hell uses the same time system as earth does.

GREGORY: Though rather than two thousand... someodd... I don’t quite remember the year up here anymore-- it’s year ten of Era 2.

GREGORY: Sounds ridiculous, right?

GREGORY: Ahahah...

GREGORY: Anyways, where was I?

GREGORY: Oh, yes.

GREGORY: Tweek, unlike the rest of us, has never been to earth until now.

I remember running into him the first time, shortly after my death.

I believe when I first met him, I thought he was just some stupid kid who died too early to know what like was like on the surface.

He would be found headbutting rocks, gave me a strange look when I approached him, and would speak in a strange tongue I couldn’t understand at first.

Of course, I wouldn’t know what to say in response to something I did not know.

I’ve known a handful of languages from a young age, but his was unlike anything I’ve ever heard until I arrived in Hell.

At first I figured, maybe this was some language from a lost civilization, hundreds of years in the past? Perhaps age doesn’t work in Hell like it does in the land of the living?

This would be incorrect.

If I recall, I attempted to talk to him in my own language-- English, of course. I think I’d felt it too rude to try and leave while he was trying to have a conversation with me.

GREGORY: I can’t quite understand you...

GREGORY: Are you able to understand me?

TWEEK: ...

GREGORY: ...I’ll take your silence as a no.

GREGORY: I wonder where you’re from...

GREGORY: I’ve never heard such a language before.

I would try to seemingly no avail, so I felt my inclination to be true. For a few moments, that is. 

Looking back on this all, it’s a rather funny instance, though at the time I was utterly terrified when this next bit occurred--

I’d been so used to demons and ghouls and all sorts of hellish beings flying about in the skies, I hadn’t stopped to notice two individuals soaring my way from behind Tweek.

They would land to see me, surrounding him on either side. I remember this image very clearly in my head...

...because as a little kid, seeing two full grown adults, with a wingspan larger than myself at the time...

My lord, I was scared senseless.

They would look down at me, smiles on their faces. I figured them crazed, it didn’t look like they knew quite how to smile at first.

I expected them to speak the same language as the kid I had been talking to, considering how close and personal they seemed to be with him.

They addressed to me in full English that I had been talking to their son, though-- something I find rather interesting now, considering they would have had no idea exactly what language I would have spoken.

I suppose that’s a mystery I’ll solve another day.

MR. TWEAK: Hello!

MR. TWEAK: Can we help you?

MR. TWEAK: I see you’ve met our son!

MRS. TWEAK: He doesn’t get out much, you’re the first saved soul he’s ever seen...

They had a peculiar accent. I wouldn’t have been to describe it at the time, but now I can say with clear conscious that it is just one of many Hellish accents you’d find in Hell.

An accent from one who would have grown up speaking a specifically satanic language-- one that would commonly be known to English-speaking Hellspawn as, simply, demonic tongue or hellspeak. Myself fancying the latter.

They had seemed rather keen on being overly nice to me, where as most looks I’d gotten from those I’d later find out to be hellborn as well would be looks of disdain.

I had arrived in Hell a year after the previous ruler Satan had died and went to heaven, and merely months into a new era-- in which none would be damned to eternal torture.

I’d like to say I was lucky for dying at the time I did-- but I wasn’t.

I was just luckier than those who had died before this new era was enacted.

They were almost more threatening than the ones who would give me such wretched looks. They were almost trying too hard to be nice.

I could recognize their efforts though, however terrified I was at the time.

In turn, they could recognize my fear. So his mother would attempt to console me, something else I’ve never forgotten.

MRS. TWEAK: My my, dear...

MRS. TWEAK: You’re so brave...

MRS. TWEAK: There aren’t many souls who seem as sudden as yours who would care to talk to someone like our son...

GREGORY: ...

MRS. TWEAK: You seem scared and lost... and alone.

MRS. TWEAK: Do you have any known family down here?

GREGORY: ...I don’t... really know...?

MRS. TWEAK: That’s quite a shame...

MRS. TWEAK: I hope you can find them some day.

MRS. TWEAK: For now, though... as a mother, and an imp...

MRS. TWEAK: I’d love to welcome you to our home any time you feel like you need to get away from everything out here.

MRS. TWEAK: It’s hard in these times, I’m sure you could do with a friendly face or two.

She would tell me, without even knowing who I am, that I was welcome into her home.

I’ll admit I felt a little like a charity case in that moment, but she’d sensed I was all on my own at the time-- which I was.

Even though the torturing era of Hell was something I had missed, the four or five days I had spent alone, wandering hell to my own devices... everything I had experienced up until that point had been quite scary, to some degree.

I mean, I was still in Hell, what else would I have felt.

Her generosity and the father’s... attempt at a polite smile... had been the first somewhat comforting things I had felt since I had died.

His mother would then try to promote to me: Tweek, a potential friend.

MRS. TWEAK: Darling, were you talking to his young man?

MRS. TWEAK: Would you like to make friends with him?

MRS. TWEAK: Now now, dear, not so rude.

MRS. TWEAK: You know this language.

MRS. TWEAK: I know, you’re nervous...

MRS. TWEAK: This man is a nice fellow, though, I think he and you would make terrific friends...

She would reveal to me that he could in fact speak English, and really he was too shy to speak outside of his native tongue.

He didn’t quite look like somebody I would want to be friends with at the time, but with how nice his mother was and how lonely I felt, I was... reluctantly intrigued, to say the least.

However I remember finding his name quite silly-- it’s not even a common theme in Hell. His father’s name is Richard, goodness sake. They really had to regards when naming him, it seems.

TWEEK: Um...

MRS. TWEAK: Tell him your name, dear.

TWEEK: Tweek.

MRS. TWEAK: Tweek what?

TWEEK: My name is Tweek.

MRS. TWEAK: Good job!

MRS. TWEAK: Why don’t you try speaking to your new friend in a way you can both understand?

TWEEK: O-oh, um...

TWEEK: I-- I wanna poke your eyes out with my pitchfork, ugly.

GREGORY: ...

MRS. TWEAK: Ohohoh-- He doesn’t mean that. I promise you.

MRS. TWEAK: It’s the way of the old era, so please don’t mind him.

MRS. TWEAK: Tweek, why don’t you try being nice?

MRS. TWEAK: We’ve been practicing this, right?

TWEEK: When I grow up, and get my own torture chamber, I’ll let you be the first in it.

GREGORY: ...Nice to meet you too...?

GREGORY: My name is Gregory???

Tweek wasn’t very good at being nice when he was young. I disliked him, for a time, but put up with him because his mother was so nice.

However I learned it really just was the way he was raised. If you grow up in a world where your sole purpose is to trick and torture others, why wouldn’t you be taught to be so devilish?

He took a while to unlearn his habits, and he still has some issues now and then. On the other end, I’ve learned to understand him better.

Of course, my understanding of him right now is that he’d rather betray our entire friend group by running off with a bunch of humans than to stick with us-- people he knows.

It’s beyond ridiculous, offensive, and hurtful. I don’t know what his motives are in this instance, but he’s to have a good reason for all of this if he expects me to forgive him.

As for this question, I hope this quelled your curious minds once more. Tweek has always lived in hell, born and raised, and just barely over twenty four hours ago was his first breath of air on the surface.

I know I went on a bit of a rabbit trail, but I believe it paints a better picture of exactly why I’m friends with Tweek now.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if I had known him since he was even younger.

Would his parents have shown me the same hospitality?

Would he have been as rude? Would he have made me want to me more rude?

I wonder if he looked as stupid as all of the other implets running amok in hell when he was young...

Perhaps I’ll visit his parents soon and ask them just that-- maybe ask them for a young photo or two of him while I’m there.

I’m closer to them than I am him at this point, anyhow.

[gamerwoo]

[Tales from the Pack] Seungkwan: Void (Part Two)

Characters: Seungkwan x female reader

Genre/warnings: werewolf au, fantasy, a little fluff but also some angst ig????

Word count: 2,592

Summary: Seungkwan can’t resist the urge to go searching for the banshee any longer, but his trip into the woods has him coming face-to-face with a strange girl who doesn’t seem to remember anything about where she came from or how she got where she is. The only things she knows are the things the voices in her head that Seungkwan doesn’t know about tell her. And that strange girl is you, his mate.

Previous | Next | Void Masterlist

Despite the fact Seungkwan had to explain he just found you randomly in the woods last night, the pack didn’t seem too concerned about how you had shown up. His pack was pretty friendly, so it wasn’t like it was a surprise that Seungkwan would bring home a helpless girl – especially when it was clear he had imprinted on you. However, they still didn’t understand why he’d just suddenly left in the middle of everything.

“I heard the screaming,” he had explained when Soomin brought you upstairs to get some clothes for the day, “and I just felt…something. My instincts told me to go find it.”

“Your instincts want you dead, apparently,” Yeji scoffed.

“Not the only one…” Jihoon muttered with a playful roll of his eyes.

“Does anybody know where Soonyoung is?” Seungcheol demanded as he walked back into the kitchen.

“Maybe he went to town last night after--” Seokmin paused, realizing that the alpha being in town when it was daytime wasn’t good. “…Oh.”

Soonyoung was notorious for one-night-stands. It wasn’t odd for him to go into town randomly at night and return early in the morning before the sun had risen. But this time, he didn’t come home, apparently.

“We need to go find him and get him home,” Seungcheol stated with a final nod.

“How? Everyone in town is super on-guard after what happened with Soomin and Danbi,” Jeonghan reminded them.

“And not many of us can slip in and out of town easily,” Minghao pointed out. “It’ll have to be one of the girls to go get him, probably.”

“Jooyeon will probably get arrested again,” Jeonghan scoffed. “ But Soomin, Danbi, and Jia can’t go.”

“Yeji could but she’d need to hide her ears and tail...” Seokmin trailed off, looking the girl in question up and down.

“I can go,” your soft voice chirped.

You had come down the stairs and into the kitchen, overhearing the conversation. You had gone into the nearby town only a handful of times – well, more like you’d wandered there a handful of times – but you were sure you could figure out your way around. Besides, if it was really so important that their pack member get home, you didn’t mind helping.

Not to mention you could hear urgent whispers telling you to help.

“No,” Seungkwan practically whined.

Your eyes darted to him, ignoring the odd smirks and snickers of the pack. He walked over to you and placed his hands firmly on your shoulders, “_____, you can’t go to town alone. If anybody finds out you’re with us–”

“How could anybody find that out?” you shrugged, not understanding the big deal.

Seungkwan just shook his head, “You just can’t go alone.”

“Who do we send?” Seokmin wondered.

“We have to send Seungkwan, obviously,” Jihoon stated, gesturing to you and the werewolf who wouldn’t release his grip on you.

“Why Seungkwan?” you wondered, cocking your head to one side.

“Nothing!” the boy in question quickly shook his head, but you did notice his cheeks turning a bright pink. “It’s nothing.”

‘It’s you!’ you could hear excited whispers in your head from the same female-sounding voice that you’d been hearing for the last week or so, ‘You’re the one!’

‘The one for what?’

But you couldn’t hear the voice over the pack’s frantic planning. You were apparently going into town with Seungkwan and Jeonghan. 

“The guards haven’t seen all of us,” Soomin shrugged with a nod, “so they should be safe. I can help with the eyes if Danbi’s busy with the baby. I know she’s been sniffling a bit.”

“She’s probably not leaving Jiwoo until she’s feeling better,” Seungcheol said.

Soomin chuckled, “Alright, I’ll get started. _____, would you like to watch?”

-

You were amazed how Soomin was able to mix together a few different things in glass bottles you had never seen before, and turn the wolves’ golden eyes into a chocolate brown. In fact, you couldn’t stop staring up at Seungkwan’s eyes, finding the brown made his eyes seem a bit bigger somehow. Innocent, almost.

Seungkwan stayed by your side while Jeonghan walked a bit ahead, leading the way through the forest. He silently hoped they would be able to find out where you came from – sure, you seemed harmless and all, but what kind of girl sits out in the middle of the woods at night while it’s raining? Maybe being in town would make you remember something since you seemed to not recall walking into the forest.

While the three of you walked through the dense forest, Seungkwan babbled to you about the pack, explaining that there were a few members of the pack that were asleep that you’d meet later. He also told you all about their previous issues with the town and even with some of the wolves themselves -- you realized the pack couldn’t seem to catch a break.

“Why didn’t Wonwoo like Mingyu?” you wondered, your hands shoved in the pockets of the jacket Seungkwan had given you. “Wouldn’t he like that his sister would be with somebody he trusts?”

“Nobody’s really sure,” Seungkwan hummed, trying to figure out just exactly how his brother felt. “He didn’t want Danbi to be ‘stuck’ with the pack, but I didn’t see her going anywhere to start a life anytime soon. Honestly, her being a mate made the most sense to me.”

You could hear the whispers picking up again, but you couldn’t hear them over Seungkwan. However, you favored listening to Seungkwan’s stories rather than the voices, so you just carried on with the conversation.

Seungkwan’s talking helped pass time – maybe not for Jeonghan, but for you – until you reached the edge of town. Jeonghan paused by the treeline, scanning the small area. Nobody was really around, so he figured your group could slip in pretty easily before blending in with the townsfolk.

“Do you know where Soonyoung usually hangs out to find...people?” Seungkwan asked the older boy. “I guess that would be a start.”

“No, but I can smell the idiot,” Jeonghan let out a short laugh before stepping across the invisible line that separated the forest from the town.

Seungkwan gently grabbed your elbow and led you along with him. But once you were a little further in, he let go, and you put one arm through his once it started to get a bit more crowded. You didn’t notice how Seungkwan blushed at the small gesture.

Jeonghan continued to lead the way, subtly sniffing the air. However, once he turned down a corner, a voice inside you screamed for you to stop. Your feet automatically pressed into the ground, and you let your arm drop from Seungkwan’s. He noticed you weren’t following, and stopped a few feet away, turning his head.

“_____?” Seungkwan asked, cocking his head to one side.

Due to the tone Seungkwan used, Jeonghan turned to see what he sounded so confused about. When he saw you staring wide-eyed down the narrow pathway, he seemed intrigued.

“What is it?” he wondered.

You shook your head, the voice telling you there was danger down there, “I don’t want to go that way.”

“Do you recognize this place?” Jeonghan questioned, slowly walking toward you.

“N-no,” you replied, shaken up by how badly the voice wanted you to get away from the alley, “but…I just can’t go down there. Is there another way?”

Seungkwan reached out to you, only touching your arm when you didn’t move away from him. He stood beside you, searching your eyes like the answer to what was wrong would be there.

“It’ll be a little longer, but we can go around,” Jeonghan shrugged before leading you and Seungkwan a different way.

You walked numbly beside Seungkwan, holding the inside of his elbow as you spaced out and focused on the voice for more information. Thankfully, the town was still a bit quieter, or everybody was at the market.

The voice – the feminine voice that seemed to be talking to you the most lately – seemed to only show pain; both physical and emotional. You could almost feel the heartache she seemed to feel, and it was…weird. It didn’t frighten you – you’d experienced this weird phenomena before – but it made you want to learn more.

“_____?” Seungkwan’s voice was a bit sharp like he’d already said your name multiple times before.

You shook your head, ending the trance you were in as you looked up at Seungkwan, “Huh?”

He looked concerned, a crease forming between his brows, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you offered him a soft smile to show that you really were okay. “I’m sorry for concerning you.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he chuckled a bit nervously.

“He’s nearby…” Jeonghan mused, in his own little world. “The question is: what do we do when we get there? We can’t just knock on a stranger’s door and ask for him.”

Jeonghan’s sense of smell led them to the front of a quaint house with flowers bordering the short walkway to the front door. It seemed cute enough, but none of them planned on going up to the door either way.

“Maybe he’ll sense us nearby and it’ll scare him out of the house,” Seungkwan joked with a snort.

But sure enough, the front door opened just enough for the alpha to slip out and slink his way down the walkway to the older wolf. His golden eyes were wide, not understanding why Jeonghan, Seungkwan, and a stranger had come to find him.

“You’re pretty late, you know,” Jeonghan told him, acid in his voice as his brown eyes narrowed. “You’re supposed to come home before sunrise, and you missed that window by a couple hours. I get you’re an alpha, but you can’t be this reckless.”

Despite his status, Soonyoung seemed to shrink down at Jeonghan’s words, his eyes finding the ground, “Sorry...”

“Wait,” Seungkwan suddenly stepped forward, looking at Soonyoung, “can we talk to your...uh, friend for a moment?”

“Seungkwan, we need to get–”

“What if they know _____?” Seungkwan asked, quieting the elder’s protests.

Jeonghan sighed, carding his fingers through his hair, “Alright… Are they awake? It’s better if we go inside so nobody sees us out here and reports anything to Donghae.”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung let out a deep sigh as he turned back around.

The alpha led the way back to the door. Jeonghan gestured for you and Seungkwan to go first, so Seungkwan walked with you to the door while the eldest surveyed the area to make sure nobody was watching. Once at the door, Soonyoung ushered everybody inside.

The door opened to an average-looking house, where a tall girl with dark skin and doe-like eyes stood at the counter, making herself breakfast. She seemed to be at least Soonyoung’s age, and she looked startled to see so many people.

“Mia,” Soonyoung spoke up, stepping around the small group, “these are my friends, and um…”

“_____,” Seungkwan spoke up for you.

“_____,” Soonyoung repeated. He hadn’t even met you before, but from the way Seungkwan was looking at you and acting around you, he could tell what was going on. “Anyway, I’m sorry to just come back into your home without warning, but _____ was lost in the woods last night and can’t remember how to get home. Do you happen to recognize her or know where she lives?”

The girl named Mia looked at you for a brief moment before shaking her head, looking at Soonyoung again, “I’m sorry, but I don’t know who she is. I know almost everybody in town, but she’s unfamiliar to me.”

“She might not live in this town, then,” Jeonghan suggested with a shrug.

“We’ll keep her with us until we’re able to find out more information,” Soonyoung decided. He then looked to Mia, giving her a small smile. “Again, we’re sorry for intruding. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

“You too,” she grinned, her smile more directed to the alpha. “Please get home safely.”

The four of you left through the back and made your way back to the woods, with the three werewolves wondering just where in the world you came from.

-

Once you returned to the house, Soonyoung was getting reprimanded by not only the other two alpha, but especially Junhui, Minghao, and Chan. Seungkwan explained that Soonyoung was the original alpha to those three, so his original pack tended to stick by him the most. In general, though, everybody was upset with him for being late -- Joshua especially had some choice words for him that Seungkwan covered your ears for.

“I lost track of time, okay,” Soonyoung explained even though he knew that was no excuse. “After being woken up last night, I couldn’t get back to sleep so I went to town. I overslept. I know I messed up, okay?”

“Well, consider yourself lucky for not getting caught,” Seungcheol told him. “Just go get some sleep. You look awful.”

Soonyoung stood and walked out of the room without another word. You continued to sit beside Seungkwan on the couch, only really understanding half of that whole conversation. You weren’t sure why Soonyoung seemed to go out into town so often to sleep around, but that wasn’t your business, either. People had needs.

You suddenly heard a name in your head, but you weren’t sure the significance of it. You knew you heard the name before because Seungkwan had said it, but you didn’t know why it was so important. You just shoved the random thought to the back of your mind.

“Anyway,” Seungcheol began, “The rest of the pack should meet _____. Where’re Jun, Joshua, and Hansol?”

“I woke them up,” Soomin promised from beside her mate on the couch. “They should be down soon.”

Three wolves entered the room, rubbing their eyes, yawning, and stretching. But one of them caught your eye. Messy hair from sleep, pink cheeks from being pressed into his pillow, and what seemed to be a resting frown on his face. He whacked one of the wolves in the head for a comment about his bedhead before his golden eyes landed on you, taking in you scared expression.

You weren’t scared of him, necessarily. It was the sudden loud buzzing of that one voice. But the house was so full of people who were talking that you couldn’t hear it. You could feel its excitement and that this boy was important to it, but you couldn’t hear what it said. You wanted to hear what it said. 

You opened your mouth and inhaled, but heard nothing but silence except the soft voice in your head that frantically chanted one name.

The pack, however, heard the ear-splitting scream that kept them up at night.

Hands clamped over ears. Most of the wolves whined or howled at how intense the sound was, especially now that it was in the same room as them. Seungcheol covered Jooyeon like there was an explosion, Yeji huddled into Jihoon, Soomin tried to cover Wonwoo’s ears instead of her own, and the rest of the pack either doubled over or dropped to the floor.

Your scream didn’t end abruptly. It echoed like it always did, leaving you just staring at the boy that gave you bad vibes. Slowly, the pack sat back up, and stared at you in shock and horror.

You were the banshee; you were the thing that signaled death, and you were in their house, screaming at one of their own.

[lilshotgun]

So here's why i've been inactive for the past couple months on tumblr:

As many of you know, I've been a fairly avid content creator for the warrior nun fandom creating a ton of content for free. I joined a Warrior Nun discord server named Future Warrior Nuns (which is a ridiculous name considering in the show Ava says there will be no more warrior nuns but that's besides the point) and the treatment I received there was amazing. At the beginning. I spoke up about racism and injustices within the community because you cannot escape it anywhere unfortunately and I believed I'd found a community that would protect me and be there for me if i was ever faced with racism or hate.

For clarity, anyone in blue is a moderator. As you go on to read this their usernames and profile images might change so I’ll clarify who is who. I’ll only be using the names I’ve been presented with and only the ones that are most relevant to the situation. 

Fiesta  (white American cis woman) aka Doesn't Kelly, Witch Rhyme

Taz (white Australian cis woman) 

Milan (a very sheltered American transmasculine poc whos uncomfortable talking about racism because they've never had to deal with it) aka Who The Fuck Is Kelly

Rory (white Australian cis woman) aka Stronger Kelly

 But after a while, things slowly started to change. It was subtle and if you hadn't been there from the beginning, you wouldn't have noticed. It started with the moderators spending less time in the server because they had made many of their own servers and spent far more time over there. Which is understandable when you’re a group of friends that all have a common purpose. But the lack of leadership was palpable. I had to sometimes direct fellow server members to proper channels or do a few other things that were supposed to be things that the moderators were supposed to take care of and their lack of care for the server was becoming more relevant. If you were in their little group of friends or kissed their ass then they wouldn't target you unnecessarily. 

    Exactly three weeks later, (and only one week after my birthday in which everyone was super sweet and nice to me) the love and friendship they claimed to have for me vanished completely. For context, people in positions of power, especially in a server, should be people you can come to if you ever have an issue with anything or anyone. They should also be people that can come to terms with admitting their behavior was incorrect when being told so. So here is what happened:

I have always been open about being a transmasculine person of color on all my platforms, and if you know me on any platform you know that. The behavior shown here between me and the moderators was absolutely appalling to me. They pushed my voice aside and only acknowledged Narcissa, a cis white woman, who was agreeing and saying the same things i had because i had asked her in private to help me out because i felt it was unfair that two server moderators were coming at me so aggressively. 

As you can see from the screenshots, they claimed that I attacked Fiesta when i was simply pointing out that her behavior was hypocritical and unfair especially because she is in a position of power and that's something people of power should be aware of. 

I was the only one brave enough to say what everyone was thinking. And that's something I have always taken pride in. Speaking up for others when they are too scared to do so themselves. And that was shown through multiple people coming into my dms to tell me they either felt the same way I did or they felt the way I was treated in the conversation above was unfair. This next screenshot is from a private message from a former manager. 

Narcissa (white cis woman)  received a few apologies from the server managers privately, yet my dms stayed vacant. At this point, they made a “public apology” towards everyone in the server which I forgot to screenshot, and not a single server manager reached out to me in private. But they did share these in the server for everyone to see:

They then opened an anonymous feedback form for us to share if we had any issues privately, which of course, I did, and so I filled it out saying “wheres my fucking apology ~king” so they would know exactly who the response was coming from. I was angry and hurt that they treated me the way they did. I regretted wording it like that almost instantly after sending it. But the deed was done and it was unchangeable. And not too long after, this was posted publicly in the server feedback channel so that everyone in the server could see:

Whether I shared that it was from me or not, she violated the server moderators unanimous statement saying that everything posted in the feedback form would stay anonymous and made my response public using the excuse that me sharing my name made it okay for her to show it to everyone. I was also being informed by other people I’m friends with that the forms that were being submitted were not staying anonymous and that they were being shared from other moderators privately in other peoples' dms.

I stuck around in the server because the people that I had formed friendships with were there and they were special to me and I wanted to be able to talk to them still in spite of everything that had happened to me up until this point. I was much more subdued at this point, I was posting less art and as you noticed I practically disappeared from twitter as well. 

My love for Warrior Nun was decreasing rapidly because the environment had become so toxic and unwelcoming that I felt scared to say much in the server in fear of being banned after seeing one of my trans poc friends banned for saying hi to another member. They had been looking for a reason to ban him for being on my side instead of theirs and apparently found the “perfect” excuse. They deleted his messages and claimed in their private admin channel that he had harassed someone in the server without screenshotting the false evidence first. How do I know this? Because I had a person on the team that valued me as a person instead of as a content creator and what I could give to the server.

I proceeded to curate the server for what fit me best, considering the ridiculous number of channels they created that had nothing to do with the show at this point. And there was an option for members to do that so I used the tools they had provided with and opted out of channels I no longer wanted to see. I consolidated it down to 35 out of 66 channels because some of them had no opt out option. And still, it was way more channels than I'd prefer to be in. I narrowed it down to only ships I actually cared about instead of having a bunch of channels I was never gonna read or say things in. And that's when the manager that cared about us provided me with these telling screenshots.

Why put me in “jail” over removing some roles? It may not have been explicit, but the internalized racism of putting a person of color in “jail” for curating what they wanted from a server is frankly off putting to say the least. "Implicit racism includes unconscious biases, expectations, or tendencies that exist within an individual, regardless of ill-will or any self-aware prejudices." 

And what does carl bot do exactly? It logs EVERYTHING. But only if that feature is enabled. And clearly, in Future Warrior Nuns, it is.

 They didn’t care about me and didn’t care that I was a consistent content creator. For lack of better words, I was one of the biggest reasons the actual part of the server that was dedicated to the show was constantly active and once I became quiet, along with a few other content creators I talked with, the activity decreased immensely. I said things here and there but that was about it. Until I was looking through their emotes. I noticed that they had trans, gay, demi, bi, aro, and ace heart emotes but the lesbian one wasnt there. Which was honestly surprising considering how much of the fandom identifies as lesbian. So I asked for it to be added and after it was, so many people were super happy because of it.

One day later i asked for more Mary emotes because they hadn’t completely brushed me off after requesting for the lesbian pride one. I noticed that Ava, the white character, had 72 animated and still emotes at the time while Mary, the black character, only had 18. And only 4 out of those were positive emotes. Here's that conversation:

I offered up my services to create Mary emotes for them considering I was an artist and content creator and it would be no issue for me at all to contribute but they declined, saying they were working on some themselves and that they would eventually add them to the server. The ones that they had created all looked terrible. They didn't know how to color correct her skin so that it wouldn't look ashy because of the filters used in the show and instead of asking for help from me, an artist of color, they simply did their own thing. And from 18 emotes, it went up to a dazzling 24. 

Needless to say, the racism they claimed not to have was pretty evident at this point. It was shockingly clear that they didn’t care as much about the characters of color than they did for the white and white passing ones. After this entire debacle I didn't even bother trying to ask for more emotes for Lilith considering how warmly I was welcomed with asking for more Mary emotes. 

A little less than two months after the initial incident, I still hadn’t been contacted by anyone on the admin team about absolutely anything in private. It wasn’t until people asked Fiesta if she had reached out to me or even bothered with an apology before she sent me this:

The “apology” was worthless. Too much time had passed since I was publicly humiliated and portrayed as the evil transmasculine person of color to them, and only a select few people interacted with me. I felt completely shut out because of how the admin team handled a difference of opinion. Instead of correcting themselves and admitting they were wrong, they doubled down on the intimidation and bullying  by changing their rules so that they could find excuses to ban or punish anyone they felt was not on their side. 

At this point, my grades were heavily declining. I was already struggling with keeping up with everything on my own due to covid and my mental disabilities. Being a victim of this racist behavior made everything worse. I couldn’t get out of bed, I was barely eating a meal a day because I had no motivation to work so I had little to no money to buy myself food. I was starving most days. And I didn’t ask my mom for help because I felt everything was my fault and that I really was in the wrong and shouldn't have said anything even though looking back at it I wasn't wrong for what I said. I had also been informed that my dad died because of covid and because of all of this stress and depression I had officially failed my classes. 

This is really difficult for me to say because I’m a very private person and I hate asking for help or sharing anything about my private life, but for you to understand everything that was happening to me at the time, this is stuff you unfortunately need to know. 

There’s many more things that I could say about this server but this thread is already long enough as it is and it was hard enough to write this all down. But behind closed doors, the admin team had some of the nastiest attitudes and behaviors you could’ve seen. Had they realized we had someone on their team that actually valued us and others as people, they probably would have kept their blatant ignorance and dislike towards server members hidden better. But white people like oppressing others when they know they can get away with it and this is just another sad unfortunate example that cost me and my fellow friends of color some heavy emotional and psychological damage.     They did wrong and refused to acknowledge it and instead tried to find a way to ban us for not having the hivemind that they so desperately want to control everyone with. If you want to see for yourself, feel free to find a link to a discord server named Future Warrior Nuns. If you look back through their channels, you’ll find most of these conversations either gone or have many messages missing. I hope my story will help understand why I’ve been gone from tumblr for so long and i hope something like this never happens to you.

[waywardrose]

On Babbushka

There is a group of well-known writers in the fandom who have been discouraged and put down by one of their own, Zannah - @babbushka​. It happens behind the scenes in DMs. It happens in posts and tags.

In DMs, she has started conversations with seemingly innocent questions. When she doesn't receive the response she was aiming for, she diverts the conversation to criticizing and humiliating the person. She has attacked writers for tagging—or not tagging—a post in a way she deems appropriate. She has gotten into arguments over how characters were portrayed and then tried to claim victimization when the other person wouldn't knuckle under.

She will appeal to her following to attack any fan or creator who has an opinion that differs from her own. She will encourage friends to send rude anons. Those same friends will also DM the target with rude remarks.

Several creators have stopped writing altogether because of their interactions with her.

We are tired of being discouraged. We are tired of being talked down to. We are tired of being bullied. Enough is enough. Under the cut we share our stories, let the chips fall where they may. It's up to you, the reader, to decide whether to support her.

We can only warn up-and-coming writers, artists, fans, and supporters of her behavior.

-

Hope - @callmehopeless

The Australian bushfires of the 2019-2020 season were nightmarish—for those living through it and those witnessing. As the season went on, cries for help increased. Joaquin Phoenix used the time during his Best-Actor acceptance speech at the Golden Globes to call for unity, action, and accountability. Regardless of what we may think of him, it was a thoughtful speech.

Hope, who is an Australian, found Mr. Phoenix's message encouraging and reblogged a gifset of his speech.

That morning, Zannah made a post about Mr. Phoenix's shady past and his association with a known sexual predator. The main reason wasn't because his speech was inappropriate or not timely, but because she didn't think he should be the one to get the attention over other actors who had spoken of the bushfires during the Golden Globes.

While Hope confessed she was scared of the bushfires, scared for her loved ones, Zannah was more concerned with purity. To Zannah it was about the face of the message, not the message itself. It didn't matter that Mr. Phoenix was amplifying support for Australia, what did matter was that he had done bad things.

It was virtue signaling on Zannah's part.

Still, this remains a complicated argument. Can a person who has done bad things actually have something positive to add to a cause? Should we listen to a problematic person if they share an insight? Does it reflect poorly on us to agree with their isolated statement? Will we be canceled, too? What about the bigger picture?

In this case, the bigger picture was hundreds of homes were destroyed in the bushfires and families were displaced. People died, thousands of animals died. And it was because of climate change. Mr. Phoenix called for his rich peers to examine their respective lifestyles and to give back.

Yes, Mr. Phoenix has done bad things. Yes, he has associated with people who have done bad things. His words resonated with people on Tumblr, and they reblogged part of his speech. He said something that gave Hope hope.

Hope was asked by a third party how they could help. She came back with a resource guide for those who wanted to send aid to Australians.

When it became obvious Zannah wouldn't silence Hope, Zannah decided to sub-post about the interaction. There, she accused Hope of being a rape apologist for reblogging a gifset and finding a little comfort in it. Zannah placed her ego before someone who was facing a very real danger.

Side-eying an actor is one thing, shaming a person you know for finding solace during a scary time is another. Hope isn't responsible for which voice got picked up. The only "colors" being shown here are Zannah's. She put her own concerns about being perceived as morally pure above actually supporting a friend.

I'll keep this brief - I knew Zannah for many years. And on one of the lowest weeks of my life, when my suburb was burning down and I feared for my family: she convinced me I was a rape apologist for sharing Joaquin Phoenix's speech asking for action on bushfires. In all my life, I never felt more alone. To add insult to injury, she then posted memes mocking me - something that has stuck with me to this day.

I've had dear friends quit the fandom because of her kinkshaming. I've had people I love message me distraught over what she's said.

Enough is enough.

— @callmehopeless

-

Rose - @the-wayward-rose​

This PM exchange started after I tagged my reblog of Zannah's fic Feast (Cameron Bistle x Reader) with cw: white reader. I had been on her taglist, and I wanted to show support because I liked the fic overall. For context, the reason for my tag is because of this sentence:

"But then you're blushing so pretty and squeezing his hand affectionately and reaching for the handle to the passenger side of his car, and then you're laughing when he swats your hand away to open it for you, and then you're beckoning him down as if to ask a question – only to place a chaste kiss to his lips instead."

This is from Cameron's point of view.

She asked the reason for the tag, and I explained it was because of the use of "blush" to describe Reader's appearance.

She misunderstood my premise. I did not mean only white people blush.

According to Merriam-Webster, blush means "a reddening of the face especially from shame, modesty, or confusion" or "a red or rosy tint."

It is an autonomic response, though. It happens in all humans for body cooling and nonverbal communication. The main problem with using it universally is that melanin obscures the appearance of said autonomic response.

Here's an example of three runners:

The two pale women, left and center, are pink in the face. They are blushing. The woman of color on the right is likely blushing, too. However, the melanin in her skin obscures the blood in her cheeks. She is not pink.

That's the pitfall of the word "blush." The observer can't always see it. We know what it feels like. We all do it. The face and/or neck gets hot. The use of "blush" is shorthand in narrative, and I understand that. Nevertheless, when writing to cater to a reader-insert audience of unknown heritage, writers need to consider describing with universal terms.

Again, she misunderstood my premise. I clarified by asking how Cameron sees the Reader blush under an abundance of melanin:

She sidestepped the physiological explanation to go straight for justification. She tried to legitimize "blush" as "perhaps [this]" or "perhaps [that]" when I stated earlier that blush by definition is pink or is to redden. That's the logic. A noncommittal, covering-all-the-bases, complicated defense diluted the conversation.

With her earlier "I have friends of color, hence I can't be exclusionary" statement, I wasn't sure she would get my point. I take full responsibility for not explaining, too. I should've asked for some time to gather my thoughts, but I didn't. Truthfully, I was unprepared, because I didn't think my insignificant tag would be an issue.

Also, I was confused why she was trying to police my blog.

Her replies came rapidly—before I could mention my confusion—and felt aggressive in the moment. Maybe that wasn't her intention, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

That doesn't take away from the fact that words have meaning. It's why we use specific words. It's not understood in the narrative that her use of "blush" could mean a bunch of things. If I had known, I wouldn't have tagged as I did. How is a reader of color supposed to know that? How does Cameron see Reader's blush if she has darker skin?

As writers, we don't know who is reading. Someone could be very pale or very dark. A person with medium-toned skin can turn a shade of pink or red. A person with darker-toned skin will not. We can't assume all readers are medium to pale. We need to develop better writing skills. We have to include everyone.

Readers of color > White-writer feelings

When I stood my ground, she doubled down, stating I made no sense in my tagging and that I lacked the ability to learn from her. She then diverted the argument, attacking a ficlet I wrote a few days beforehand—which had nothing to do with this argument. The Christian imagery in that ficlet was upsetting to her and "in such poor taste" because she headcanons Flip Zimmerman (BlacKkKlansman) is 100% culturally and ethnically Jewish.

Flip stated in the movie:

"I'm Jewish, but I wasn't raised to be. It wasn't part of my life. I never thought much about being Jewish. Nobody around me was Jewish. I wasn't going to a bunch of Bar Mitzvahs. I didn't have a Bar Mitzvah. I was just another white kid. And now I'm in some basement denying it out loud[...] I never thought much about it. Now I'm thinking about it all the time. About rituals and heritage. Is that passing? Well then, I have been passing."

By his own admission, Flip is ethnically Jewish, but not culturally. These are two separate things, and that should be recognized. While Judaism is ethnically and culturally entwined in ways that other religions are not, one does not equate the other. You can be one and not the other.

At the time, I didn't want her to sic her 3000+ followers on me. I wasn't going to argue further. I asked myself if the ficlet was important and worth anon-hate and realized, no, it wasn't. It was a throw-away.

And since I'm not culturally Jewish, maybe I had misstepped. And since Zannah is both culturally and ethnically Jewish, I asked for her guidance.

She flatly refused my request. I don't know how I was supposed to learn from her if she wouldn't teach me.

It sounded as if she wanted me to delete the whole fic. Like none of it was worth saving because it hadn't been Zannah-approved. I had gone against her headcanon, and the fic was too offensive to fix.

The last sentence was supposed to cover her back from criticism, and it placed all the responsibility on me. Obviously, she was above such petty concerns as someone else's blog or writing. Never mind that she had just attempted to get me to change my tagging system and rewrite my ficlet. On my blog.

Later, I figured out she was only criticizing and not offering a constructive critique. Her argument was not in good faith. It was retaliation for not giving her the obedience she thought she was owed.

This is the passage that offended her:

"It’s because of the way he fucks you. Like it’s confession—though he’s never been much of a church-going man. Every touch, every thrust, is a truth between you. Even when it’s rough and greedy. It feels like flagellation when you claw his back. He wears the sin proudly."

This is what I edited it to:

"It’s because of the way he fucks you. Every touch, every thrust, is a truth between you. Even when it’s rough and greedy. It feels like flagellation when you claw his back. He wears your marks proudly."

Yeah, I'm not pleased with the revised passage. It's lost its teeth, but I keep it.

The anonymous message(s) she mentioned weren't very anonymous, either. Unfortunately, I've since deleted the two messages. I had apologized to Anon for disappointing them. I said that if the fic was too much, they should unfollow and block me. I meant that in a self-care way. At the same time, I did not—and do not—owe anyone discourse. I don't have to explain my art when it doesn't hurt anyone. And no one was hurt by some purportedly misplaced religious imagery.

I have been silent about this since late January/early February. I was embarrassed. I had been bullied into changing my blog and my fic by someone who proclaims to never do anything of the sort. I had been a fool. Since this conversation with her, I have been blocked/blacklisted by third-parties, most likely at her behest, when none of this exchange had been necessary.

-

Kassanovella - @kylorengarbagedump​​

Zannah's followers have asked her about Kassanovella’s Fix Your Attitude. For context, it's currently one of the most kudo-ed fics for Kylo Ren x Reader on AO3. It had a bit of a renaissance earlier in 2020 because a TikToker wrote a song for it.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to read a fic. If the subject matter doesn't work for a reader, they don't have to partake. Easy as that. So, these tags aren't a problem.

However, it led to this...

She lashed out, calling Kassanovella's fic a joke. A joke.

She implied her fics should be as popular as Kassanovella's because she works really hard on them. She admitted she's tied to the metrics. She implied she wouldn't be writing fic if not for the external validation.

Here's the thing about fanfic: readers like what they like. They don't care about a writer's effort. They only know what works for them. They comment and give kudos, reblog and like what they connect with. That is not under the writer's control. All a writer can do is try their best and concentrate on what they're passionate about.

To bash another writer's fic because it's popular is disrespectful. This whole bitter rant drips of entitlement and is an affront to Kassanovella.

Some time later, an incident happened in a chatroom during a streaming event for veterans by Arts In the Armed Forces (Adam Driver's organization). At least one fan brought up Fix Your Attitude while waiting for Mr. Driver to make an appearance. They were also disrespectful towards the other presenters by demanding to see Mr. Driver. It caused a big stink within the fandom, and Zannah had some choice words.

While mentioning the fic during the livestream was inappropriate, it was also inappropriate to throw all fans of the fic under the bus as she did in her tag. Sweeping generalizations and incriminations of a subset of fans certainly reads as if she resents those fans for a perceived slight.

Next, Zannah made an earlier disparaging comment about Kassanovella's fic, Little Bird. Unfortunately, that comment is lost. However, the messages supporting the comment remain. (For context, Little Bird is a Kylo Ren x Reader The Handmaid's Tale AU. It has been well received in the fandom, earning thousands of kudos on AO3.)

What an author wants to write about and sexualize is their business. Fantasizing about being dominated by Kylo Ren isn't cringe. It's a sexual fantasy. Some sexual fantasies can be disturbing to those who do not share the same kink.

Sexual fantasies are like ice cream. There's a reason why there are different flavors.

Also, "I will never ever be a person that tells an author what to do or not do" is an absolute lie. As evident in this post, Zannah most definitely tells authors what to do or not do.

Again, she bashes Kassanovella, claiming her writing isn't good. Her motivation for bashing Kassanovella can only be speculation. With Zannah's previously stated opinion of Fix Your Attitude, though, it indicates a certain level of negative emotions.

-

Anonymous

An anonymous person came forward with a case of Zannah policing their blog. Anon has a sideblog for their personal AU with Flip Zimmerman. They reblog gifsets and post headcanons. They were an enthusiastic fan of Zannah's and reblogged a few of the gifset she made. Anon tagged their reactions, and Zannah blocked them for it.

Anon went to Zannah and asked why they were blocked, because all they wanted to do was have fun and support fellow Flip lovers.

Anon was under the impression that because they were shipping themselves, and not Zannah, with Flip, she blocked them. Their personal AU doesn't align with Zannah's headcanon that she alone is married to this character and has his children.

While Zannah's reply may sound innocent, and perhaps it is, it also speaks to someone who has set herself up as the owner of Flip Zimmerman. (Wait until Spike Lee or the real Ron Stallworth hears about that...) It appears that if a fan does not comply with the Zannah-approved headcanon, where only she is married to Flip, that fan shall be blocked. If a fan uses tags on their blog that she does not approve of, that fan will be blocked.

Zannah's policing is disturbing. Going into a blog to look for something as a reason to block is disturbing. Any fan is allowed to use any tag on their blog how they wish. If the OP has said their post can be reblogged, how a reblogger tags is beyond the OP's control. To punish that reblogger for not behaving in a way she finds acceptable is uncalled for and unjust.

-

Anonymous

Backstory: Zannah does not view Ben Solo's arc in the Star Wars sequel trilogy as acceptable canon. However, she does view the story she created for Flip Zimmerman in BlacKkKlansman as completely canon.

This is not the first time she has been asked to clarify her position. Nor is it the first time she has avoided giving an on-topic response. A question asked in good faith should be responded to in kind.

If a creator doesn't want to address the issue, they can state that they don't. Deflecting from the question only muddies the waters. Fans feel dismissed. The creator feels hounded, and comes across as irritated and unapproachable. No one has a positive fandom experience.

There is nothing wrong with having a headcanon. What is wrong is Zannah mandating her headcanon for Flip on the whole fandom. As evident in this post, if a fan does not comply with her headcanon, they will be summarily blocked.

Also, there is nothing wrong with rejecting canon. Writers of transformative works have always done this. The problem is shaming fans who have accepted canon while not offering justification for that shaming. A creator saying they "can't help them" is the creator washing their hands of responsibility from articulating their thoughts when they themselves began criticizing the canon in the first place.

Again, this is a bad-faith argument. Creators can't ask for discussion and attention and then get mad when their viewpoints are challenged. Just because a discussion isn't going a creator's way doesn't mean it's an attack, either. It means people want clarification, and if one criticizes, they should be able to back up their criticisms.

-

While sharing our stories has been freeing, it's not our aim as fellow fans to cancel Zannah. We would hope she would take the opportunity to reflect on the damage she has done to the fandom. We hope we all can move forward with a more approachable and supportive scene.

No one person speaks for our fandom. The actions of one fan do not represent the entire fandom. Whether creator or consumer, you are welcome here.

[posted July 25, 2020]

[seyaryminamoto]

One of the big things about "The Beach" to me is that it seems to suggest that Zuko may be the least empathetic among the Fire teens. Azula shows the most empathy to her brother and her friends, Ty Lee shows the second most, Mai the third most, and Zuko the least. So the point of the episode was to portray the three girls sympathetically while highlighting Zuko's limitations. The issue then is that they never really went back to Zuko's lack of empathy. Thoughts?

Eh, well... the show refuses to go back on a lot of Zuko’s exposed flaws, no matter how they may be highlighted and shown as a problem, so I guess I’d just say what’s one more, in the end, among a pile of many unresolved personal issues? :’D

I think some people would try to argue that Azula wasn’t empathetic at all, but I’d say the key element in these regards is that Azula seemed to backtrack at least once with Ty Lee when she apologizes to her after reducing her friend to tears with her harsh words. It’s fair enough that Azula was very insulting, but she takes it back quickly and admits she knows what her actual problem is, implying there’s self-reflection, self-awareness and remorse enough to not only acknowledge her behavior was out of place, but to know why she impulsively acted the way she did.

Meanwhile, Zuko mocks and calls Ty Lee a circus freak (and, yes, Azula laughs about it), and nothing he says suggests he regrets hurting her. That, honestly, is the core of the problem as far as I can tell: maybe Zuko felt bad for saying what he did? But nowhere in the episode will you find him saying it aloud, which is the typical Zuko issue: more than once he does genuine damage with his actions or words to real people, whether people who were kind to him or people who should be important to him, and he barely ever vocalizes any apologies or remorse for those actions. Heck, right after insulting Ty Lee he tries to rile up Mai to fight Ty Lee because she insulted Mai’s aura? And all of it really is reduced to “he’s angry at himself”. See... I don’t mind the explanation one bit. But I do mind that he not only faces next to no consequences for that behavior (since merely acknowledging what he’s angry about is no actual display of remorse for how he behaved), but he also displays no signs of change or wanting to act differently, and the whole thing’s swept under a rug just because his firebending outburst looks very cool and dramatic. Thus, yes, it’s very easy to conclude, as you did, that Zuko lacks empathy and fails to recognize this as a problem altogether.

Though I will disagree with you in one regard and that is Mai. I... don’t think she displayed any empathy, frankly. She’s more down-to-earth than the others, I’d say, but the way she talks to both Azula and Ty Lee doesn’t really suggest any empathy to me. She’s adamant about making sure Zuko knows she’s mad at him, and while she kisses him at the end, it’s not some sort of “omg I’m so sorry Zuko I didn’t stop to think about your feelings :(((” sort of kiss, it’s a way of showing him she cares about him even if he’s a trainwreck... which, sure, might make Zuko happier, but it doesn’t necessarily mean she “understands” him or is particularly invested in helping him out of his cycle of self-hatred.

I guess that’s one potential factor why Zuko and Mai are so conflictive in canon, I don’t think either one is particularly empathetic with the other -- or with anyone else, maybe except Iroh in Zuko’s case, and only in Book 3. This is certainly why the two of them really should grow up, A LOT, before being in a relationship, but I suppose it’s one thing where ATLA is ironically terrible and brilliant simultaneously: they don’t sugarcoat how conflictive they can be, the way a fanfic writer might reduce their problems to nothingness and absolute irrelevance just because they ship it. So their relationship is absolutely not “romance goals”, but it feels like a genuine teenage romance because of that.

Still, that’s not what we’re talking about: I agree on the most part, Anon, though I suspect the conclusion you’ve reached, and that many of us can and will reach, isn’t quite what the writers and showrunners intended for us to conclude with that episode. We’ve always heard that Book 3 was supposed to feature a storyline about Azula being arranged in marriage to someone, a plotline that was scrapped because she would have had far more focus than they could afford giving her (and what a mistake that was xD). This episode is said to be a minimized version of that plotline, to explore these characters and their dynamics (as well as introducing the factor of Combustion Man’s hunt of Aang, which starts in this episode), only, it may have highlighted a few issues with the characters (especially with Zuko) that simply aren’t dealt with properly, probably because this episode wasn’t intended to do that. Sadly, many episodes weren’t intended to do that with Zuko :’)

A lot of people have criticized The Beach for a myriad of reasons, most of all that the episode is “meaningless filler” (I couldn’t disagree more, but not everyone can appreciate downtime for characters, not even when it expands your understanding of who they are), or that the Fire Nation gang shouldn’t be framed as a happy group of friends we all should love when they vandalized and burned down a house just because they were mad at perfectly innocent (if dumb) teenagers :’D but I guess maybe one secret reason some Zuko fans might not be happy with this episode is that it really doesn’t paint him in a good light altogether and they’re appalled by that? 

Either way, I genuinely enjoy this episode because it humanized the characters, I’d say, and whether that humanization was flattering or not isn’t quite the most important element of the character work that was done this time. I guess I’ll spiral back to what I said above with Mai and Zuko: the show doesn’t sugarcoat the problems these four have, just as it doesn’t attempt to resolve them. Would I rather it had resolved them, at least a few of them? Personally, yes, though I doubt they could have done it in the span of a single episode. At the same time, I’m glad they didn’t hide these problems in the characters because they easily could have, so I’m grateful they didn’t do that. As usual, the problem with Zuko lies in the fact that a lot of people credit him with growth he never did, and values that he never displayed, that we would have to assume he learned just because he’s a better person now, not so much because we have solid evidence that proves he learned them at all. So it’s yet another issue with his character, and another thorn that pokes out of his redemption arc that shows it’s absolutely not as perfect and well-rounded as most his fans (and a lot of ATLA viewers) have convinced themselves it is.

[snapeaddict]

YMMV but Lily was a stand in for Rowling. It's why the relationship with James is uncomfortable to read.

(I hope I guessed the meaning of stand in well because I am not totally sure)

In reference to this post about Gryffindor's (and JKR's) belief in their moral superiority.

Ah, yes op. I do think JKR wrote Lily as this, in her eyes, symbol of perfection for Harry, this symbol of goodness and kindness. I'm sure she saw her behaviour toward Severus as completely okay and positive, I'm sure she never questioned her writing of this apparently flawless character even during The Prince's Tale. But the fact she wrote Lily as flawless (more of a symbol than a character, honestly) doesn't mean she is actually flawless and we now know how problematic JKR's work can be.

I think, and this is a personal opinion, that JKR wrote Lily according to her standards of what a good person is like. Standards she also applies to herself, because she, as an author, and Lily, as her stand in character, have many similarities in the way they view the world and behave toward others. I am of course not comparing a real person and fictional character, but trying to show how one can influence the writing of a character - and what this person thinks of this character, which can be reflected through the narrative and main character's POV. Then, by extension, all of this strongly influences our own views on the character as readers, especially when reading the books for the first time. Some things that are disturbing to us and not understood by Rowling:

Strong belief in your own moral integrity: JKR seems to use her books as a weapon against those who point out her narrow-mindness, constantly reminding us she wrote them as a message of love and acceptance, "including" diversity in her world. She never questions her own behavior. She wrote Lily as morally flawless also because she is a Gryffindor and muggle-born: Lily, if you follow her narrative, is in her right to condemn and be critical of Severus' friends and choices, and to highlight her Gryffindor classmates moral superiority (ie they don't use dark magic) to justify the fact she grants herself the right to judge her friend and condemn his friends without addressing bullying. Because she knows better, and is moraly superior. Just as the narrative never really adressed the fact bullying by Gryffondors on a Slytherin isn't justified because they are "on the good side". JKR considers herself to be part of the Good People™, for many reasons, thus doesn't see any problem is writing blog posts explaining to some people why they are a threat to her own feminist fight or how they should behave. Of course I make NO comparison between her transphobia and a fictional character's behaviour; I'm just trying to show there is a similar pattern of behaviour which is, if I have to sum it up: I have moral integrity because [...] ➡️ So this moral superiority cannot be questioned ➡️ So this gives me the right to judge you/tell you how to behave without sweeping my own backyard.

Quick to condemn, unable to understand: This moral superiority (let's face it, Gryffindor are always portrayed as moraly superior in the books which nearly always justifies for discrimination against Slytherin) JKR thinks she has for reasons said above has for consequence the fact she gives herself the right to point out people's supposed flaws and "dangerous" behaviour without ever giving them time to explain, or listening to them. She sees what she wants to see, and so does Lily as she wrote her: the narrative makes of the fact she never gives Snape the opportunity to explain himself a normal thing, because we already know he is in the wrong; she already knows it and decided it, so why would she even ask?

Belief in your own right to judge and change people: for all the reasons I wrote above. You can question behaviours, you can point out flaws and issues: but you, as a person, cannot grand yourself the right to say "I know better than you do because this, this and this, so please change for me or I'll stop being kind to you." To JKR, this is perfectly acceptable behaviour (for example, "she knows and love trans people" but to the condition they remain silent and do not threaten her fragile views on feminism. If they do, she'll consider them a threat.) She writes Lily with a similar kind of behaviour regarding Slytherins: "without trying to understand who you are and why you are the person I see standing in front of me, without educating myself on your motives or asking for you pov, I ask you to change to match my own standards, no matter what it costs you."

Use of minorities, etc to serve personal aims and display your moral integrity: We have a whole history of JKR using sexual orientations or racial minorities to promote her work's open-mindness without ever giving them a voice or listening to them, trying to understand them. She writes Lily as a character who has such a good heart she is friends with Slytherin, dark arts affiliated Severus Snape and who knows it: "My friends (moraly superior Gryffindors) don't even know why I still hang out with you". ie "you should be grateful and their opinions have more values than yours to me." She points out her own benevolence at still accepting Severus as a friend, but never tries to understand Severus' own bravery and struggle at still being friend with her while having to survive in Slytherin house as a half blood (which was obviously more difficult). While reading this particular extract from the text, I cannot unsee the fact she (or JK) seems to think she does Severus a favor for being his friend (in context it's perhaps understandable), but it's very telling JKR would write this - we get the message as readers. The conclusion being, Lily had to be this moraly perfect girl as she had a Slytherin friend. I cannot say it's not implied by the narrative or it's not what JKR thought (she has lesbian and trans friends, so what she says cannot be discriminating/are justified by her supposed openness). Another disturbing and wrong way of thinking.

Belief that your belonging to one oppressed minority prevents you from oppressing others: JKR uses her identity as a woman in a patriarcal society, her statues as a woman who suffered from this patriarchy, to justify her transphobia and point out the fact she, as part of a group which is oppressed, do not oppress others (her blog post on "Why I'm not transphobic" is very telling). My feelings when I read Lily's character (but this may be interpretations from my part) is that her statues as muggle-born also automatically grants her moral integrity or at least a moral compass (narrative-wise) to be judgemental over Severus' relations and to decide whether or not the Marauder's actions toward him were serious: there is a kind of disturbing hierarchy that is created with Slytherin using dark arts and having prejudices against muggle borns (according to her) vs the Marauders and their pranks (not serious at all especially in comparison for her, and anyways they are Gryffindors). As if the fact she is the victim of oppressors means she doesn't have responsibilities or all she does is somehow justified or cannot mean ill (for example, turning her back on Severus while he is being sexually assaulted after he insulted her. She had a duty to perform as a prefect, which she wasn't even doing well before he said anything). The problem isn't her, she has reasons to act the way she does and flaws like all human beings. The problem is that the narrative (thus JKR) sides with her and never have us readers question her behaviour as well. It matches her inner belief that some people's moral integrity cannot be questioned for certain reasons. We are never offered another pov, we are never shown another perspective (of course Lily as a character isn't the one supposed to be this meta): for example, we could have been shown how easy it is to fall into radicalisation especially when you're an abused and neglected child from a poor social background and a minority. (Again I'm not saying it was up to Lily as a character to understand this. She had no obligation toward Severus and isn't all mighty and a Saint. The "problem" is that the narrative is trying to portray her as such because the author truly believes this is how a good person behaves and should be looked at.)

All of this of course being unconsciously accepted, but never put in question. Lily's behavior being of course viewed more positively because no matter how flawed it was, it served honorable aims: fighting against the disgusting blood purity ideology. Her values are honorable. So to me, of course JKR was convinced of Lily's human perfection and inherent goodness because I think she wrote her according to her own views and beliefs on the matter. Which is why, if we grant importance to the narrative, her marrying someone as crual as James Potter is disturbing according of what is said of her:

"Not only was she a singularly gifted witch, she was also an uncommonly kind woman. She had a way of seeing the beauty in others even, and perhaps most especially, when that person couldn't see it in themselves."

But, when you take a step back, you realise that her marriage with James is a consequence of JKR's internalised sexism, as she heavenly implied macho and possessive behaviour such as displayed by James were attractive to girls in the end, and, if you take another step back, you realize JK never understood the seriousness of the bullying she wrote so it didn't look so appealing to her that Lily would date James as it is to us.

Then, if we really think of the characters themselves and not JKR's intentions, I think James and Lily were a good match for various reasons, not all negative.

I'm afraid this is a little clumsy and I just really want to say, I'm not blaming Lily for her behavior even if we must acknowledge the fact she wasn't a very good friend and was very far from being perfect; I'm not making a comparison between real life issues and fictional ones, or between author and fictional character: I'm trying to show why Lily appeared as such a model of goodness into JKR's eyes, which shines through the way she tells the story, because she was written according to the writer's standards - some standards and positions we cry about every day when we open twitter. It's not really about her transphobia or use of minorities, but the reasons why she thinks she has a right to give judgemental opinions and ask people to change, her own system of thinking. Her - phobia are a consequence of this but I have to talk about them to show how it seems to me JKR thinks of herself and of others.

This is not anti Lily Potter, she still was a good person and lived in a particular context which also explains certain aspects of her behavior; this has nothing to do with making Snape look better or finding him excuses.

It has everything to do with the way the author viewed her characters and certainly failed to understand the seriousness and complexity of all subjects she chose to address. With the way she sees things and how her characters behave sometimes accordingly.

(Like, for example, not making any comparison, I'm sure she really thought it was positive when she created the house elves, slaves that are happy to be slaves and making fun of those who are disturbed by their conditions and having the only free elf die; I'm sure she thought the message was good when it clearly reeks of colonialist fantasy, thus her own opinions and views as a white British in the 90s [not generalising this to anyone else!], certainly internalised.)

PLEASE MAKE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "SHE WRITES LILY THIS WAY" AND JUST "LILY".

[that-sw-writer]

Empress for the Evening II

PART ONE, PART THREE

Note: I really don’t know how I feel about this but I dislike everything I write so we’re rolling with it

Summary: After a long cycle the First Order Gala was once again upon you, and your thoughts were fixed on Kylo Ren.

But as always there were plenty of sleazy politicians available to pull you away from your memories of kissing the Supreme Leader after the last Gala.  It was time to assert your new position as Queen, and prove your independence.

Word count: 5071

Warnings: pure, unadulterated, tooth-rotting fluffy Kylo

It had been a long cycle. The illness your Father had contracted was more severe than the medical staff had initially thought, and a mere few months after the First Order’s last Gala he had passed away.

In the following months, you barely had any time to process losing him. He had been a widely respected and loved King, but you were quickly forced to step up as Queen – a role which you didn’t feel ready for. Many people told you that authority and leadership suited you, and thankfully you had managed to maintain the high functioning society your Father had for all those cycles.

Despite many nights spent alone silently mourning the loss of your Father, day to day you were in and out of meetings, public appearances and diplomatic endeavours. The steel industry was producing at a higher rate than ever, and you hoped that your Father would have been proud of what you had achieved since his passing.

You faced plenty of insubordination being a Queen of your age, but you stopped it very quickly by demonstrating that you aren’t afraid to exercise your power against those who undermine you. There were however some issues which your advisors consistently brought up which couldn’t be considered insubordinate; one of those was marriage.

It was true, you were young, pretty and heavily sought after by royal families from other planets. But the problem was you didn’t have any desire to marry. Had your Father still been King he would have been advised to marry you off to a planet whom he wished to ally himself with – but he had always taught you not to be a bargaining chip in somebody else’s political game. Now you were the Queen, and you were not about to sell yourself to some stranger in order to please your advisors.

The months flew by, and before you knew it the dreaded annual First Order Gala was upon you once more. This time you would be attending as a Queen rather than a Princess, which gave you plenty of authority to put creeps like Baron Eastley in their place.

As you sat onboard your transport to the Finalizer, your thoughts drifted to the Supreme Leader. The moment he had kissed you outside of your room had played over and over in your head, and the thought of seeing him again made you more nervous every time you thought about it. You told yourself that you were being pathetic – It’s not like Kylo Ren would be spending time thinking about you. It was one night, you had both had a bit to drink, and it was never going to be spoken about again most likely.

You continued to tell yourself this as you approached the hanger for landing. Perhaps you wouldn’t even see the Supreme Leader at the Gala, and if you did you weren’t even sure what to say.

Upon landing you were shown to your quarters for the evening by two Stormtroopers, flanked by your ever-loyal handmaidens. When you arrived at your room, the three women accompanying you were shown to their room next door before bringing your belongings and joining you in your quarters to begin getting you ready for the Gala.

The four of you chatted on as the three women fussed over your hair and makeup, they had been with you through thick and thin – when you were coronated as Queen your court had attempted to assign you new handmaidens, but you had strictly refused. You trusted these women, and discarding them for different people would have broken that trust.

“Do you think the Supreme Leader will talk to you tonight?” Flora finally asked the question on everyone’s lips, and you waited for Jeyne to comment with something optimistic first.

“Of course he will! I bet you’ve been the only thing on his mind since the last Gala!” She beamed at you, and you let out a small chuckle. You hadn’t hesitated in telling your closest confidants about your exchange with the Supreme Leader the previous cycle. You knew they could keep a secret – if anyone from your court had discovered your brief romance with Kylo Ren they would have exploited it for something it wasn’t.

“I’m sure you’re all overstating things.” You gently shook your head, “Last time we had both had a bit to drink and he must have just found me attractive – which is all down to your amazing work.” You praised the three women with a small smile, but they quickly brushed off your compliment.

“Don’t undersell yourself your Majesty, any man would be foolish to turn you down.” Kira looked up from where she was styling your hair and met your eyes in the mirror with a smile.

You continued to chatter along with them as they finalised your look for the evening. Your dress was a shining silver, the area around your chest was made of a sheer fabric which was invisible to the eye, but the silver embellishments were sparsely dotted out around your chest, creating a beautiful illusion. The dress hugged your waist, and the skirt fell to the floor, catching the light as you moved. Your hair fell in cascading waves down your back, and your makeup was done as to compliment your dress perfectly.

“You look incredible.” Kira exhaled a breath, all the ladies were clearly proud of their work – and you were equally as proud of them.

“Thank you, all of you. I’ll never know how you do it.” You smiled at yourself in the mirror.

As was always the routine, just at the moment you were ready to go your escort arrived to take you to the reception hall. Your handmaidens kept to their schedule perfectly every cycle.

“Good luck, your Majesty.” Flora smiled, and you bid farewell to them all as you made your way to the door to meet the Stormtroopers who would be escorting you to the Gala.

When the blast doors opened, your heart skipped a beat and behind you the jaws of your handmaidens hit the floor. Before you stood the Supreme Leader in his all glory, dressed in what you could only assume was the same tunic that he had worn the cycle before.

“I-uh…” You were lost for words, sure you had been mentally preparing yourself to see Kylo Ren again, but not to have him show up at your door before the Gala even began.

“Your Majesty, I know you weren’t expecting me,” He began, seemingly just as nervous as you were, “But I was hoping to escort you this evening.”

You took a second and quickly composed yourself – you were a Queen for goodness sake, not some naïve Princess anymore. “It’d be my honour.” You smiled delicately, and took his arm when prompted.

Out of the corner of your eye you can see your handmaidens exchanging very excited glances as you left.

“May I offer my condolences for the passing of your Father, I’m sure it hasn’t been an easy cycle for you.” He spoke solemnly as the pair of you slowly approached the reception hall.

“Thank you, Supreme Leader.” You looked down, discussing your Father’s passing was still a raw subject, but you’d had plenty of practise at holding it together, “He is sorely missed on our planet.”

“I can imagine.” He replied, “But I also wanted to congratulate you on the work you have done so far. It is my understanding that under your rule the First Order is being supplied with almost double the amount of steel we were before.”

You nodded, “It’s been my first priority to improve worker conditions and boost morale, in turn it has increased production levels. A lucky outcome really.”

“Don’t put it down to luck, ruling suits you. I realised that at the last Gala.”

Your mind drifted back to the pervious cycle when you had swiftly put Baron Eastley in his place, unsurprisingly he was one of the planetary leaders requesting your hand in marriage for his sons.

“That’s kind of you to say, Supreme Leader.” You offered him a cordial smile, which he returned.

“Kylo, please.” He told you, and you nodded. You remembered he had asked you not to call him by his title at the previous Gala, but you didn’t want to assume that things were the same this time around.

There was an awkward air between you both. That elephant in the room that neither of you would talk about, and that was the kiss you had shared.

You reached the entrance and Kylo turned to you, “I’m afraid I’ll have to take my leave.”

He had to enter along with the First Order Supreme Council, and you had no desire to join him. “Thank you for escorting me.” You nodded, before adding, “I hope to see you in there.”

“I’ll make sure of it.” He gave a curt bow, and marched off in another direction, leaving you alone.

You inhaled a deep breath and entered the reception hall, many glances being thrown your way.  Perhaps it was the dress grabbing their attention, or maybe it was the fact that you had become Queen so abruptly at such a young age - if these aristocrats loved anything it was gossip.

"Queen Y/N!"  A voice called, "Please, join us!"  You recognised the man speaking as the representative Chancellor of Vardos.  He was standing in amongst a group of other men and women, many of whom you recognised but not well enough to know any of their names.

You nodded, and made your way over to their schmoozing circle, being sure to swipe a glass of champagne from a serving droid on your way over.  Time to paint on the fake smile and act happy to see all of these strangers.

"How lovely to see you all."  You took a small sip from your glass and stood tall whilst they all looked at you like a pack of hungry dogs.

"We were all terribly sorry to hear about your Father's passing, he was a good man."  One woman, who you recognised as a member of the Corellian leadership, spoke first.

"He was."  You knew that you would hear plenty of these comments this evening, despite none of these people truly being sorry about his passing.  When he had died the First Order's allied planets had sensed an opportunity to infiltrate your planet's economy - after all you were supplying the First Order with something irreplaceable.

"How have you found Queendom so far?  I can imagine it hasn't been an easy adjustment to make, particularly alone."  This comment was so pointed it made you feel sick to the stomach, imagine having a young woman rule alone?  Scandalous...

"I've actually settled in very well, thank you."  Your tone was slightly sharp, but you blunted it with a polite smile.  Many of the people here tonight had been begging your advisors that they arrange a marriage for you, but you had been refusing them.

You weren't against marriage, but you wanted to marry for the right reasons.  You certainly didn't want somebody to marry you simply to usurp your power.

"I've actually been speaking to your advisors about my son, your Majesty.  He's a few years older and than you and has plenty of experience-"  Thankfully you were saved by the bell before that sentence could finish.

"Please all be upstanding for Supreme Leader Kylo Ren."  Your head whipped to the doors which Kylo would enter through and applause rang out through the hall as he walked down the elaborate steps, looking completely indifferent as he always did.

His eyes searched the crowd, and eventually landed on you and you could have sworn you saw him wink at you... but that may have been a trick of the light.

As Kylo descended down the stairs whispers began circulating amongst your group, and it was clear that these people didn't know that Kylo Ren had depth to him beyond stabbing men with a Lightsaber.

"I've heard he's killed men just for making eye contact with him."

"You know the scar?  Apparently they could have healed him but he wanted to keep it to make him look more dangerous."

This chatter continued circulating amongst the people stood around you, and eventually they all turned to you to comment - and you cleared your throat, if they wanted something to talk about then you would give them something.

"I'm sure if the Supreme Leader heard you talking about him in such a way he wouldn't hesitate to demonstrate his power to you."  You shrugged nonchalantly, "But for what it's worth I think there's more to him than you all assume.  I wouldn't believe every rumour you hear."

They all fell silent, unsure of how to respond to your comment so they simply ignored it and changed the subject.

The talk turned to politics, and you largely remained silent unless called upon to comment on your planet's economy, which you did so proudly and with confidence.  All of sudden midway through the conversation you noticed everybody staring at you, and you suddenly became very uncomfortable; until you realised that there were looking over your shoulder.

Turning around you nearly collided with Kylo's chest, and he surreptitiously placed a hand on the small of your back to steady you, "I apologise for startling you, your Majesty."

"Not at all," You flashed him a smile, actually relieved that he was here hopefully to rescue you from this conversation, "I should really be more aware of my surroundings."

He slowly dropped his hand from your back before anybody watching could read into the gesture and turned to the group who were all frozen in fear by his presence.

"Thank you all for being here."  He addressed them all, and they took this as their cue to begin pushing their way to be the first to talk to him about the airs and graces of their individual planets.

He allowed them all to finish tripping over their words before clearing his throat, "I actually came here to talk to Queen Y/N."

All eyes were suddenly on you, and they all looked like death glares - jealousy was rising in the air but nobody made any move to stand the in way of Kylo Ren.

"I apologise for interrupting."  He told them all, and once again his hand was at the small of your back, but this time it was to gently lead you away from the crowd.  He came right on time since your champagne flute was empty and you didn't think you could stand another minute of their incessant gossiping.

The two of you walked away from the crowds of people, but it didn't go unnoticed this time around - there were multiple pairs of eyes watching you both.

Very aware of this, Kylo chose not to stand too close to you, which you appreciated.

"I trust you had no interest in remaining part of that."  He raised an eyebrow and you chuckled.  You both seemed far more comfortable than you initially had when he showed up at your quarters.

"Absolutely not."  You replied, shaking your head, "Your entrance actually saved me from a conversation I didn't want to have."

"You don't strike me as the kind of Queen who engages in conversations she doesn't want to have."  He smirked slightly.

"And I don't, but on these occasions I have to make exceptions.  It turns out I can't spend the entire cycle ignoring all these stuck up politicians' proposals of marriage and show up here alone without causing controversy."  You rolled your eyes.

"Marriage?  Are you... betrothed?"  He suddenly interjected, and your cheeks reddened slightly.  Perhaps you had forgotten whose company you were in - you probably shouldn't be discussing such personal political matters with the Supreme Leader.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."  You sheepishly backtracked, "But, um, no I'm not.  My advisors are suggesting I marry, but I don't trust the motivations of these proposals."

"You're right not to trust them."  He mused, plucking two glasses of champagne from a passing serving droid and handing you one, taking your empty one and placing it back on the tray.

"Thank you."  You mumbled, taking a sip, "How do you know I'm right not trusting them?"  You wondered why Kylo was so interested in your political affairs, but equally it was nice for someone to give you an honest opinion.

"I think I must confess something."  He looked nervous, and suddenly very aware of all the eyes that were stealing glances your way.

You noticed Kylo's posture stiffen, "Is there perhaps somewhere more private we can talk?"  You softly asked him, and he nodded, looking relieved that you suggested it.

Taking his arm he led you to the back of the reception hall, where the was a set of blast doors which led to a viewpoint.  It was an enclosed area, which looked out over the vast depths of space - it was a beautiful sight, you never got to see the stars up close.

"Wow..."  You quietly said under your breath, "It's beautiful."

Kylo was stunned by your awe, perhaps he had become so accustomed to living off planet that he under-appreciated it.  In his opinion you were the true sight.

"I apologise, I'm getting distracted."  You shook your head and turned to him with a smile on your face, "Now that we don't have an audience, you had something you wished to confess."  Your heart was racing at the thought of what he was about to tell you, but equally you willed yourself not to jump to conclusions.

Kylo stepped forward and sheepishly reached out to take one of your hands in his, "After the last Gala, I've taken an interest in your planet but really it was you I wanted to know about."  He looked down, suddenly unable to meet your eyes, "You shouldn't be marrying someone from a backwater planet who just wants you for your power, you deserve more than that."

"I do."  You quietly agreed with him, and then you met his eyes.  You knew that everything the others said about Kylo Ren was true - he was dangerous, and powerful but they didn't see this side of him, the side of him that was vulnerable and caring.

Silence fell between you, and you contemplated what to say next.  You felt yourself gravitating towards Kylo uncontrollably and you worried that you were going to fall for the man without any assurance that he was the right man to fall for.

"I have to know; you said you took an interest in me, but I've met with some of your highest ranked officers since becoming Queen... why did you never come?"  The question sounded stupid leaving your mouth, but you hoped it was a valid point.  Of course, he was the Supreme Leader and had plenty of other responsibilities, but if he cared that much?  Surely an exception would have been made.

"I wasn't sure how you felt after the last Gala, I thought perhaps it was just a one off."  He looked so nervous, you found it hard to believe this was the same Supreme Leader who had nearly bitten Baron Eastley's head off last cycle.

He hadn't come to your planet because he was worried that it would be awkward?  You had thought that would be the problem the other way around...

"I wouldn't say it's a habit of mine to kiss handsome strangers."  Part of you was cringing at your corny line, but either way you flashed him a smirk and it seemed to do the trick in making him feel more comfortable.

"That's a shame, because I was hoping you might make a habit of it."  His voice was quiet and raspy.  He released your hand in favour of pushing a loose strand of hair behind your ear and slowly leaned down towards your lips.

You placed the hand not holding a glass on his chest, and shut your eyes in anticipation of his lips meeting yours... but they never came.

Just before the two of you could kiss the blast doors leading to the viewpoint flew open, and within a split second you and Kylo had leapt away from one another, both cursing under your breath.  The whole situation probably still looked incriminating.

"Supreme Leader, Queen Y/N.  I'm so sorry, I hope we weren't interrupting anything."  Of course it was the Chancellor of Vardos and his entourage who had encroached on your moment.  Just judging by the look on his face he knew full well what he was doing, clearly they had all been waiting to follow you this entire time.

Out of the corner of your eye you could see Kylo's fists clenching, so you jumped in before he could show them his temper, "Not at all, Chancellor.  In fact we were just leaving, the viewpoint is all yours."  You gave the most cordial smile, and attempted to move past the group of them.

Just as you brushed past the Corellian representative from earlier, she placed a hand on your shoulder to prevent you from leaving, "You're welcome to join us, your Majesty, I'm sure the Supreme Leader has many other people to meet with tonight."

You knew these politicians and their games.  They were trying trying to keep you there in order to ruffle your feathers, but equally if you left now they would take it as confirmation that there was something between you and Kylo.

You exchanged a glance with him, both of you knowing that you had to split up for a while in order to stop the gossip before it spread.

Kylo had dropped all manners in his frustration and simply grunted before pushing through the small crowd and leaving the viewpoint, which left you alone with the flock of vultures.

"You and the Supreme Leader certainly seem to be well-acquainted."  The Chancellor raised his eyebrow at you.  The entire group of them was insufferable, they acted as though they were above everybody else when you knew that your planet was amongst the most important to be represented.  What they really wanted to was to tear you down, and you wouldn't allow it.

"We had business matters to discuss."  You gave a nonchalant shrug, and he was quick to respond to you.

"It certainly looked like more than that from where we were standing."

You took a moment to sip at your champagne, appearing entirely unbothered by the Chancellor's comment.  "That sounds like an interesting story Chancellor, please let me know how it ends."  Your smile was contradicted by the sarcasm dripping from your tone.

"Perhaps if you were to reconsider one of our proposals of marriage, it would put our minds at ease that you aren't... how do I put this?  In bed with the Supreme Leader."  The Corellian woman spoke up this time and you used all your self control to not smash your glass over her head there and then.

Yes, it was almost unheard of for a young woman in your position to be unmarried, and particularly to be discarding the idea of a political marriage.  But you had your morals, and you were not going to turn your back on them.  You knew the comment about Kylo was just to illicit a reaction from you, so you purposely kept your cool.

"I have not turned down your marriage proposals in favour of Supreme Leader Ren.  If you must know, your group of suitable bachelors have the collective intelligence of a Dewback with no legs.  If I am to rule alongside someone, I will choose who.  I will not be courted by your naive sons and senators who serve as your puppets to take over my economy."  Without another word you pushed past them and left the viewpoint with your head held high.

Once the blast doors shut behind you and you were out of sight you exhaled a breath you didn't realise you had been holding.

You saw Kylo talking to a ginger man who you recognised as the General, but when he saw you emerge from the viewpoint he swiftly made his way to your side.

"Perhaps next cycle I can make it through an entire Gala without somebody attempting to marry me off in order to take over my planet's resources."  You sighed and looked at him, feeling rather defeated.  It was frustrating that you could be so successful, but because you were young and a woman you would never gain everybody's respect.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you alone with them."  He looked at you apologetically, but you brushed it off.

"You know you couldn't have stayed in there without sparking some ridiculous rumours."  You were certainly ready to retire for the evening, and before you could tell Kylo this he had beaten you to it.

Once again plucking the empty champagne flute from your hand he placed both glasses on the nearest serving tray before turning back to face you, "May I see you back to your quarters?"

"Yes, you may."  You nodded, now past the point of caring if anyone saw you leaving with Kylo.  After all, you could do a lot worse than the Supreme Leader of the First Order.

You took his arm, as was the routine now, and he led you to the door you had entered through all those hours ago.

"I take it you had some choice words for your friends back there."  He smirked slightly, and you exhaled a small laugh.  You never thought you'd be telling the Supreme Leader about how you had insulted a number of his guests.

"I may have compared their potential suitors to a Dewback without legs."  You now realised how ridiculous that insult had sounded, but it did illustrate your point exceptionally well.

Kylo let out a genuine laugh, something you doubted many people heard from him, "That's certainly inventive."

You leisurely walked back to your quarters, but when you reached the blast doors your heart sank... this was reminiscent of the previous Gala, and the thought of going so long without seeing Kylo again was making you feel sick.

"Kylo, I-"  You began, looking down at the floor to avoid eye contact, "-I don't want this to end the same way it did before."

He gently placed his hand beneath your chin and brought your face up to look at him, "It won't, I'm not letting you get away this time."

Kylo was determined not to lose you this time.  When he had heard news of the numerous planets competing for your hand in marriage he was certain that he had missed his chance and you would be attending the Gala with your new husband.  But here you were standing before him, still denying the advances of others.

His hand brought your face further towards his, and within moments his lips were finally on yours - this time with no interruptions.

You reached up and rested your hands at the base of his neck, and he responded by pulling you flush again his chest by your waist.

He kissed you with fervor, his movements were becoming hastier and you weren't complaining.  It wasn't long before you both separated for air but you remained close, his forehead pressed against yours.

"Do you want to come in?"  You breathlessly asked him, not knowing what had come over you to propose something so bold.

"Yes."  He didn't hesitate to respond, and you pulled yourself away from him long enough to take his hand and drag him through the blast doors to your room.

When you were inside Kylo stood and looked at you up and down, his brown eyes were filled with lust and you imagined that yours didn't looks dissimilar.

"You look incredible."  He breathed out, before lunging towards you to capture your lips once again in a hungry kiss.

You gladly fell into his arms and melted into the kiss - somehow even with his tongue in your mouth and hand weaving its way through your hair he still managed to be gentle, as if he were scared you'd break.

He pushed you backwards as you made out, and soon the backs of your legs met with the bed.  With a small push you fell onto the soft mattress, dragging Kylo with you.

He braced his own impact in order to not squash you beneath his massive frame, and the two of you remained there, mouths working in synchronisation.  Eventually Kylo broke the kiss and began peppering kisses along your jaw, and down to your neck whilst his hands explored every curve of your body.  It was as if you were a temple and he was worshiping you.

Meanwhile your hands were slowly running up and down his biceps.  Despite still wearing his tunic and undershirt, you could feel that he was built like a brick house beneath it all.

Out of the blue Kylo pulled his face away and looked down at you with swollen lips, panting slightly, "Marry me."

You were stunned, your mouth unable to form the words at first because you were so busy processing what had just been said.  You reached up and ran a hand through his dark hair, "Are you serious?"  You finally asked, quietly.

Kylo faltered for a moment, fearing rejection, "I mean it."  He eventually responded, before sounding more sure of himself, "You said you didn't trust the motivations of the other marriage proposals, but trust me."

Your heart was beating so fast you thought you must have been dreaming, but this was real Kylo Ren, the man who ruled the galaxy was offering you his hand in marriage.

"My planet..."  You whispered, hating yourself for thinking about your duties right now but you were a Queen, you couldn't just forget about your people... not even for him.

"I'm not asking you to abandon your people-"  He slowly began placing chaste kisses to your lips and jaw between his words, "I would never undermine you as Queen, but you could also be my Empress - we could rule the galaxy together."

"Yes."  You suddenly blurted out before you could stop yourself.  But then you realised you didn't want to stop yourself, there was an undeniable connection between you and Kylo and the motive behind his proposal was true sentiment - not a political move.

"Yes?"  He paused the slow movements of his lips against your skin and looked deep into your eyes.

"Yes."  A huge smile broke out on your face, and a feeling of undeniable joy rose up within you.  

A genuine smile also appeared on Kylo's face, and you had never seen him look so... cute.  You crashed your lips together in an instant.

There were plenty of unspoken details, but you were certain you could overcome them.  Your advisors had been pushing you to accept a marriage proposal, and you could only imagine their shock when you return having accepted one from the Supreme Leader.

Come the next Gala you would be greeting the condescending politicians not only as a Queen, but as Empress.

[get-lost-in-fanfiction]

LOST - Another Story

Rating: M

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: I don’t have anything special to say for this chapter, so enjoy House of the Rising Sun!

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House of the Rising Sun

I’m sitting on the beach as Kate, Jack, and Charlie getting ready to go on a hike for the water. I realize that now is the time for Jack to want everyone to go to the caves. I’ve already made my decision, and I’ve got a pretty good excuse as to why I want to stay on the beach. As the only other person with medical experience, I’m going to stay on the beach while Jack is up at the caves. It’s a foolproof statement and not revealing at all that part of the reason I want to stay is Sawyer.

I tune in to catch Kate say, “It's not like I'm asking a personal question.”

“It is a personal question,” Jack replies.

“You don't have to get all quiet on me. I just want to know,” Kate says as she puts water into the backpack on Jack's back.

“Well, you're not going to know.”

“What's the big deal?”

“It's not a big deal. It's just something I did. I had my reasons. And I don't want to put it out there.”

I glance over and notice Sun watching them, I feel bad for her. Realizing now that this is House of the Rising Sun I decide that now is the time to “get to know her.”

“It's just that you and your tattoos don't add up,” Kate’s voice cuts through my thoughts, “Are you one of those hard-core spinal surgeons?”

“That's me. Hard-core,” Jack replies.

“If you guys are finished verbally copulating we should get a move on,” Charlie butts in, a pack on his back, “There's a whole beach of people waiting for us to get some drinking water for them. And the great white hunter's getting restless.”

“Okay, let's do this,” Jack finally says.

“Hey, Charlie. Ask Jack about his tattoos,” Kate says, amusement clear in her voice.

“Oh, you guys have an inside joke. How absolutely wonderful for you both,” Charlie replies sarcastically.

I never realized how in the first few episodes, the main characters all sort of have their centric episodes, which are appropriately named. I wonder what my episode would have been called if I was a real character. Probably something to do with hiking, since the character-centric episodes are named based on the flashbacks shown in that episode. Then again, who says I'm a main character anyway, I could get killed by Ethan for all I know. I shake that thought from my mind, I don’t want to die.

Then, suddenly, Jin is stomping angrily over towards Michael. Sun shouts after him. Jin runs up and tackles Michael at the edge of the water and starts slugging him.

“Hey, hey, what the…” Michael says hurriedly.

“Stop! Hey stop!” Walt shouts. Walt rushes up and Jin shoves him back, knocking him down. I scramble to my feet to help.

“Get off of him, please! Stop! Stop!” Michael says as he gets repeatedly beaten. Jin is trying to drown him. I bounce on my feet and look around nervously, no one is helping.

“Do something! He's going to kill him! Stop him, please!” Walt is screaming at Sun, and she is screaming back. Finally Sayid and Sawyer show up, and are running out to help. Sayid tackles Jin. Sawyer grabs Michael.

“The handcuffs from the Sky Marshal! Now!” Sayid shouts.

Sawyer tries to hand them to Sayid, but Jin is thrashing around and Sawyer has to help him to subdue Jin. Jin is then handcuffed to some kind of bar on the plane. Jin is still struggling. I rush over to Walt and place my arm around his shoulder.

“What happened?” Sayid says to Sun as Sawyer looks at me.

“I'm getting tired of saying this,” Michael begins, “I was just walking the beach with my son, and all of the sudden this dude is all up on me. I didn't do anything.”

Jim says something in Korean and everyone stares tensely at each other.

“Surely there must be something you're not telling us,” Sayid reasons.

“Surely? Where you from man?” Michael asks

“Tikrit. Iraq,” Sayid answers simply.

“Okay. I don't know how it is in Iraq, but in the United States of America where I'm from, Korean people don't like black people. Did you know that?”

Again, Jin shouts something in Korean.

“So maybe you ought to talk to him!” Micheal says angrily, pointing at Jin.

Sun points to her watch and says, “지금 시계 때문에 그래요, 시계.”

“The cuffs stay on!” Sayid shouts at her.

“A little louder, Omar. Maybe then she'll understand you,” Sawyer says sarcastically.

“Lay off him Sawyer,” I say and he just looks at me.

Then Hurley walks up to us, “Guys, that Chinese dude is going to get pretty crispy out here. How long are you going to keep him tied down like that?”

“Jin is Korean, Hurley,” I try to say as nicely as possible.

“He tried to kill Michael. We all saw it. The cuffs stay on until we know why,” Sayid says.

“Come on, man. Let's go,” Micheal says to Walt and I release him with a squeeze. Walt smiles at me and I smile back before he runs to catch up with his father.

As everyone disperses, Sawyer stays, looking over at Jin and Sun off in the distance. I stay with him.

“What are you thinking?” I ask cautiously.

“Nothin’ blue eyes,” Sawyer answers tersely.

“You’re so hot and cold with me,” I say, changing the subject and crossing my arms over my chest.

“What?”

“You heard me, one day you’re all sweet and protective then the next you’re like this! What’s going on?”

Sawyer sighs, “Blue eyes..”

“Dimples,” I sigh back. Sawyer smiles suddenly and brings me in for a noogie. I thrash in his arms, smacking them and laughing loudly.

“Sawyer?! Sawyer, get off!” I laugh-shout. He lets me go at that.

“C'mon let’s go eat some boar,” Sawyer says and I follow him in disbelief. Maybe me being here changes him for the better, sooner.

Once again I am on the beach, sitting, in the same spot I always do. I know right now somewhere in the jungle at the caves Jack, Kate, Locke, and Charlie have found “our very own Adam and Eve.” I know who they are, really, and I chuckle to myself at the story writers. They really waited until almost the end of the show to tell us who those two skeletons were. I know that Lost is all connected, but I have nothing else to think about. I look over my shoulder and there is Sun, sitting there looking troubled. I make a decision.

I get up from my place in the sand and walk cautiously over to her. She gives me an odd look and I wonder if it’s because of the time traveling thing, or the fact that I was with Sayid and Sawyer in the whole hand-cuffing incident. I try to set my face in a friendly expression as I approach her.

“Hi Sun, can we chat?” I say cheerily.

“���멜리아?” Sun questions, and I look at her with a blank expression. Real life doesn’t have subtitles. Damn.

“Uhm I’m really sorry I can’t understand you, but I want to talk. I promise I won’t hurt you,” I say quickly, “Van we go over there?” I point into the jungle, wanting to make sure our meeting is as secluded as possible. Sun nods and gets up.

“Great, we’ll, follow me then,” I say with a smile. I lead us off into the jungle, my heart pounding out of my chest. I’m not even sure this is a good move or not. But it’s worth a shot. We travel into the jungle a bit when I stop and turn. I take a deep breath and begin my unprepared speech.

“So, Sun. I know your husband has caused some issues lately with Micheal and stuff. I’m not here to be your enemy. Maybe you heard, maybe you didn’t, but um,” I take another deep breath before the shoe drops, “I’m a time traveler?” Sun stares at me.

“So I know that is probably really weird for you, and you’re probably wondering why I’m talking to you when I can’t understand you and you must not be able to understand me. Well, I know your secret. I know you can speak English and I know you can understand all of us.”

“You— You do?” Sun asks tentatively.

“Yes, I do, and I promise I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I understand how big this is for you. I figured since I have a mind boggling secret and that you have a mind boggling secret we could form an alliance of sorts?” I smile and Sun does too, “Not that we're forming a group against anyone, just that once you want to share that you speak English I’ll back you up is all.”

“You’re very kind Amelia, thank you.”

“Of course Sun,” I cut myself off, I’m not sure what else to say. “Should we head back to the beach? And again I promise not to tell.”

“Yes, let’s go back.” So we walk back together, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible when we come out of the jungle together. We part ways and Sun walks over to Jin. I suddenly stop when I see Walt playing in the sand.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Micheal says to Walt, then he turns to Jin, “You say something to my boy?”

Jin says something ans Walt looks scared. Sun looks scared as well and glances towards me for support. I’m rooted to the spot.

“Yeah, nice talking to you, too. Move it, Walt,” Micheal says.

They begin to walk away and Walt asks, “How come he doesn't like us?”

“What?”

“You said people like him don't like people like us.”

“Oh man. You know, uh, look, that's not true, and you know what, I don't think like that anyway. I was, I was angry.”

“What did you do to him?” Walt asks, and I’ve heard enough. It’s not my place to eavesdrop. I glance one more time at Sun before walking quickly down the beach towards the tents.

“Miss Kassman? Miss- Amelia wake up,” A strange, but kind voice says to me. I groggily open my eyes, and take in the surroundings of stark white walls and the beeping of some sort of machine.

“What.. Why am I here?” I whisper throatily, my voice hoarse from unuse.

“There was an accident, Miss Kassman. You survived,” I open my eyes to see a doctor with brown hair.

“M-My family? My mom, my dad? My brother?” I try to sit up, tears welling up in my eyes as a lump in my throat begins to constrict my airway.

“Please stay calm Miss Kassman,” the doctor says, and I search his sad face. I already know the answer. I burst out sobbing, my body wracked with survivors guilt. The doctor says silent as I cry myself out. After about 10 minutes I am finally able to regain myself and wipe my eyes.

“They’re dead aren’t they?” I croak out. The doctor only nods. I can tell he’s uncomfortable, but I don’t register it fully. “What’s your name?” I ask again, but quieter.

“Jack, Doctor Jack Shepherd,” the doctor says simply. “They told me to come and take a look at you. You sustained major burn injuries to your back, I’m a spinal surgeon and I wanted to make sure you were alright.”

I stare down at my hands, this Dr. Shepherd has bad bedside manner. I wiggle my hands and toes, I shake my legs and then look back up at the doctor. “I think I’m okay..” I say quietly.

“Good, that’s good,” the doctor says while standing, “The x-rays told me that much, but I needed to make sure myself.” Dr. Shepherd turns to leave and puts his hand on the doorknob before turning back to me.

“I’m very sorry for your loss,” he says simply but full of pity before opening the door and walking out. Soon enough a nurse comes in and checks on me. She changed my IV and tells me she is giving me something to sleep. She puts it in, and in a few minutes I am out like a light.

Soon enough Jack and Kate return with the water. I know Locke and Charlie stayed up at the caves to look through the wreckage there, so when I spot Jack, Kate, and Sayid finally walk away from each other that’s when I approach.

“Hey guys, welcome back!” I say more cheerily than I want, “Do you guys have water?”

“We sure do,” Jack says as he pulls a bottle from his pack and hands it to me. I take it greatfully and sit down in the sand to drink. Jack and Kate look at each other once before Jack speaks up.

“So, Amelia,” Jack begins, clearing his throat a bit, “Where the water is were some caves that could offer some pretty good shelter.” I look between Jack and Kate.

“Are you asking my opinion because you know I already knew about the caves?” I ask suspiciously.

“No no no,” Jack says, “I was going to ask your opinion but not because of the future thing. We think that digging in at the caves together would be a good way to survive. We have 46 people to give water to, it would be much easier if we were there.”

“Well, I think that while yes the water is closer, there might be a chance that we could get rescued if we stay on the beach,” I say unconvincingly.

“You and I both know no one is going to rescue us,” Jack replies, and I sigh. He’s right.

“Well Doc, I think you should just ask everyone and see who wants to go. If by some miracle we do get found us beach-ies can alert you cave-ies,” I stand and toss the half drunk water bottle back to Jack, “Thanks for the water.”

I mill around the beach and watch as Jack goes around to different people and gather up a group to go to the caves. I search around for Sawyer for a bit, but eventually give up when I can’t see him right away. Then I hear Jack and Hurley talk, and I whip my head around to scan the beach. Then I finally see Sawyer approach Kate, but his back is away from me. I scramble to my feet and sneak up on their conversation.

“Well, well, well, if ain't the belle of the ball?” Sawyer says as he reaches Kate, I’m right on time, “So what's it like having both the doctor and Captain Falafel fighting over you?” Kate doesn't respond, nor does she see me, “Just call 'em how I seem 'em, Freckles. Truth be told, I'm not the only one wondering where you're going to weigh in on this whole moving off the beach thing. Are you going with the pessimists, or staying here and waiting for the rescue boats?”

“Are you going?” Kate finally asks with an edge to her voice.

“Well, that's the real trick, isn't it? We all pack up stakes for the caves and the next day a plane passes by, they're going to go on their merry way and be none the wiser. On the other hand, stay here, get eaten by boars, fall off a rock, not going to be anyone around to answer that 911 call.”

“Amelia will probably stay, and you still haven't answered my question.”

“You didn't answer mine. And I asked first,” Sawyer says, not reacting to Kate’s mention of me. Kate just walks away and Sawyer turns around, bumping right into me.

“Whoa blue eyes! Where did you come from?” Sawyer asks.

“I was standing here the whole time,” I say, crossing my arms over my body and hugging my hips.

“So you heard Kate and I’s conversation?”

“Indeed I did James,” Sawyer lunges at me and covers my mouth with his hand.

“Say that a little louder will you?” He hisses at me, and I just lick his hand. I laugh heartily when he retracts his hand quickly and wipes it on his shirt.

“So are you going to the caves blue eyes?” He finally asks me.

“No actually, I think I’m going to stay here. You know in case someone needs a doctor and Jack isn’t around. It’ll be good practice,” I say as nonchalantly as I can.

“Awe and here I was thinkin’ it was all for me.”

“Not everything is about you, blondie,” I tease.

“Ohoho finally got a new nickname for me?”

“Indeed I do, and I see you’re still using the classic ‘blue-eyes.’”

“What can I say, I’m an unoriginal man.”

“Whatever you say dimples,” I say as I walk away, using his own line against him and leaving him dumbfounded.

Soon, almost too soon, Jack and his little group are getting ready to head out to the caves. I toss some wood on the ground for a future fire as Jack approaches me.

“Amelia,” He says shortly. I turn around and smile at him, his pack on his back and looking ready to go.

“Jack, what can I do for you?” I ask more kindly than I feel at that moment.

“Since you’re staying on the beach I wanted to give you some supplies, for doctor...ing,” Jack says clumsily. He hands me a small pack and I take it while looking inside. There is medicine and a few other things for patching up wounds. Simple stuff.

“Thanks Jack, I’ll keep it in my tent.”

“Just don’t let Sawyer steal it, okay?”

I laugh and sling the pack over my shoulder, “I won’t don’t worry, and if he does I have my ways of persuading him.”

Jack laughs as well and shakes his head before holding out his hand to shake, “Well, I’ll see you around doctor.”

I reach out and shake Jack’s hand firmly for a moment before dropping it, “See you around Doc.” Then he walks away and joins the group of Jin, Sun, two redshirts, and Hurley heading towards the caves. I wave at their group and Hurley waves back before I turn back to my pile of wood and begin to set up a fire as the sun begins to set.

Once it’s night and I know for sure that the group is at the caves, I allow myself to relax and sit with Sawyer, Sayid, and Kate around a fire. Sawyer makes room for me and I sit next to him, close but not too close. I look up at the sky as I feel Sawyer’s arm sling low across my back, hidden from our other firemates. I smile into the stars and close my eyes. It’s a peaceful night, and I know it won’t last long.

LOST

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Please let me know if you’d like to be tagged in updates!

[falling-feuilles]

Chapter 6

TW/CW: Major Character Death, Childbirth, Blood

The days following the letter's arrival were hard. To keep Lise from worrying, Marya and Y/N were forced to keep up appearances, made to quietly grieve during the night when the rest of the household slept. The Old Prince’s already miserable attitude was exacerbated to the point where Y/N refused to eat meals with the man, opting to dine in her own quarters instead.

One particular day, Y/N spent its first half attempting to write her letter to Pierre, to no avail. If only it had come as easy to her as it did to the employees who wrote to first inform them of his passing. After spending nearly an hour trying to write the first sentence, she dropped her head, laying her cheek upon the smooth chestnut, letting out a weary sigh.

“N/N, are you quite well?” Marya stuck her head through the door, noting Y/N’s disheveled appearance.

“Yes, I… I’m trying to write to Pierre to… to tell him about Andrei. He deserves to hear it from one of us rather than in passing at some ridiculous fete.”

Marya sighed, peering out into the hall once more before closing the door, stepping fully into the room.

“You’re right, it would be best to hear it from you as well, you and him are quite close.”

“Quite… I only wish he could just know without me having to tell him… it’s going to send him spiraling Marya, I almost fear he won’t recover…”

“I know… maybe you should put it off for a few more days; you, father, and I are the only people who know, not even Tikhon and the servants are aware. You said Pierre was traveling, yes?”

“I believe so, or he will be shortly, why do you ask?”

“If you send the letter and it arrives when he isn’t there, who do you think will open it?”

“Helene.”

“Precisely, and we both know she won’t be nearly as kind about it. Until we know for sure where he is and where Helene isn’t, I think you should bide your time.”

“You are right, as usual. Marya,” Y/N placed her hand on Marya’s shoulder, “Thank you, you are a true friend, I surely would have gone mad with worry were it not for you.”

Marya smiled, weary face breaking into uncharacteristic joy.

“I am merely returning the favor. Now, I should head to Father’s study, he has me working on a new lesson today, I barely understood the last one.”

She sighed, turning to the door.

“Supposing I were to go to your chambers at, say, eight o’clock? Would you perhaps have the time for a tutoring session?”

Marya nodded, leaving the room. Y/N, after ensuring Marya was out of earshot, slammed her fist onto the desk, causing the various bottles and trinkets placed upon it to jump in the air, clattering back down to the darkly stained surface.

“Damn it…”

~

The fields surrounding the Bolkonsy property were vast, colored dark emerald by the night sky. Had it been in the city, Y/N would never have risked walking at such a time. However, in the country, escorted by a large shire, she felt perfectly safe. The stars, while visible in the city, shown twice as bright in the clear skies, unclouded and free from the countless buildings decorating the streets of St Petersburg. From her perch on Emil's broad back, the rolling meadows stretched on for acres, encumbered only by the wooded groves sprinkled across the estate. The thin, winding path beneath her was neglected, unused by the members of the household. The vast property had many paths strewn throughout, only a small number remained in use. Although Prince Bolkonsky regularly walked the property, he only ever used the same trail. He was a man of habit, exact to the point of madness.

A small rustling to her left startled Emil, causing him to shuffle away, snorting indignantly.

"Easy, easy..."

Lightly, she sprung down from the saddle, landing firmly on the mottled path. Unwilling to move closer, and unable to flee her side, Emil stood perfectly still, hot air issuing from his snout.

Calmly, she moved towards the brush, noting the movement of the grasses. Carefully parting the grass, she found a small litter fox cub, rolling around in the leaves, struggling to re-orient itself. A few meters away, she noted the familiar signs of a fox burrow, tucked into the side of the small mound to her right. Kneeling next to the small creature, she heard it whimpering, calling for its mother. Gently, she scooped the small creature into her arm, creeping quietly towards the den. By the moonlight, she saw a few other small figures curled up, guarded by their mother. Her head was up, pitch black eyes fixed on Y/N, ready to pounce should the need arise.

"Don't fret, I'm just here to return this little one."

Y/N held out the small ball of fur, catching the attention of the mother. She shuffled forward, wary, but determined. Nudging her nose into the cubs fur, she bit down on the nape of its neck, lifting it from her gloved hands.

She stood to leave, but the ribs pushing through the mother's silvery fur gave her pause. Holding out a hand, hoping she would understand the gesture, Y/N hurried back to Emil; he was calmer, knowing the mysterious creature was just a fox seemed to calm his nerves, though he still watched the malnourished canine with his large, muddy eyes.

Digging through Emil's vast saddlebags, Y/N searched for the small tied bag hidden deep in its recesses. Finally, her fingers brushed the familiar canvas, drawing it out of the leather satchel.

"Here," she held out a hunk of salted meat, allowing the mother to inspect it. After a few good sniffs, she gingerly removed it from Y/N's fingers, scarfing it down. The cub was nowhere in sight, presumably hidden back in the darkness of the burrow.

Expectantly, the mother looked to Y/N again, nudging her hand. Chuckling, she held out another piece, feeling the fox's damp nose brush her fingers.

After ensuring the mother was properly fed, Y/N stood back up again, tentatively placing a hand on the fox's head, scratching the spot just behind her pointed ears.

The cubs began to whine, calling for their mother. With one last look towards Y/N, she stalked back into the den, disappearing from view. She swung her leg back over the saddle, grasping the reins with her hand.

"Come, Emil, let's head back before someone notices we've gone."

He huffed, trotting along the path, back towards the faint lights of the house.

~

The next morning, she made her way to the small dining room to break fast with the ladies of the household. Marya, seated primly at the head of the table, looked to her as she entered, gesturing for her to take a seat. Lise, seated to her right, looked highly uncomfortable.

"Lise, are you quite well?"

Y/N sat beside her sister, placing a hand to her forehead.

"Yes, yes... something in my breakfast must have disagreed with me-"

"Look at her. She's very pale!" Bourienne stood, looking closer at Lise's face.

She let out a sharp whimper of pain, dropping her spoon.

"Lise... I think it's time."

"We'd better send for Maria Bogdanovna," Bourienne moved forward, placing her hand on Marya's arm.

"Yes, I think you're right, I'll go and see to it." Marya sped away, muttering frantically under her breath.

"Courage, mon ange!" Bourienne pressed a kiss to Lise's cheek,

Lise was in clear distress, grasping her sister's hand. Y/N stood by her side, brushing Lise's blond locks away from her damp face.

"No! Can it be, so soon? But surely it's just a stomach ache?"

"It's best to be on the safe side, ma cherie."

With help from Bourienne and another of the maids, Y/N managed to get Lise into the bedroom, laying her gently on the bed.

"Lise, look at me, you have to breathe, you'll be just fine."

~

The next few hours passed in a miserable tirade of screaming, stress, and no small amount of fear. Like her father, Lise had a weak heart; while not nearly as detrimental to her health, it was the main reason physicians were so insistent she rested frequently, even more than the average expectant mother would. Y/N, although she begged to be let inside the room, she was denied each time. Instead of being by her sister’s side, she waited by the window, eyes searching desperately for the carriage bearing the doctor. Marya stepped nearer, lowering herself to sit beside Y/N.

“Have you heard anything from the midwife?”

“No,” Marya placed a comforting hand on Y/N’s shoulder, squeezing it gently, “But, they did say you could see her for a moment or two.”

“Truly?” Marya nodded, moving so Y/N could pass her, making a beeline straight for the room.

Inside, Lise lay sprawled on the bed, coated in sweat, face twisted into a pained grimace. Her breath came in short pants, dry and uneven. Y/N dashed to her side, nearly pushing over a nearby maid. Lise reached out her hand, grasping tightly at Y/N's as another painful contraction wracked her frail body.

"Sister... you... y..."

"Shhh, hush, my darling Lise, all will be well, you're doing wonderfully, I'm so proud of you."

The midwife moved to Y/N's side, all but shoving her away.

"My lady you must leave."

"I... yes, of course, Lise," she bent over her sister's prone form, pressing a kiss to her damp cheek, "I will see you as soon as I can, alright? I love you."

Y/N was pushed from the room before Lise could murmur a response. Down the hall, she noticed Marya jump from her seat next to the window, dashing down the stairs. Y/N followed on her heels, skirts bunched in her hands.

The night air was fresh and cool, a drastic change from the warm, stale air of Lise's room. Stepping outside, Y/N could see what drew Marya out the door, the doctor's carriage.

"Thank god, what took so-" Y/N stopped, eyes catching the face of the man exiting the carriage. "A... Andrei..."

Marya rushed forward to embrace her brother, leaping into his arms. Y/N stood back, eyes wide, open-mouthed.

How?! I thought... she said...

"Andrei, Lise is inside." Her voice was quiet. Even. But dreadfully quiet. Was it the shock? Fear, even? Regardless, the group didn't have much time to waste, the doctor hurried up the front steps, guided by Marya. Andrei followed quickly behind, leaving Y/N to take up the tail end of the chase.

"You..." Lise gasped as he entered the room, reaching for him.

"My darling..." He took her face in his hands, pressing a feverish kiss to her forehead. Before any further words could be exchanged, the doctor moved to Andrei's side, placing a hand on his arm.

"If you would wait outside, your Excellency. I must insist, it's for the best." Andrei, despite his wish to remain, left the room, wincing as Lise let out another pained yell.

Y/N, still grappling with Andrei's return, sat outside, stiff as a board. With each of Lise's cries, her fingertips dug more and more tightly into the ball of her thumb; soft flesh yielding beneath the increasing pressure. Andrei, seemingly unable to stand by any longer, made another futile attempt to enter.

He barely managed to open the door a crack before it was slammed in his face.

"No, no, you mustn't come in!"

A few more moments passed.

Another intense scream. A few seconds of silence. Then, the cry of a baby. Andrei flew into the room, Y/N hot on his trail.

The doctor stood, holding a small, damp bundle in his arms. At the sight of Andrei, he quickly transferred the swaddling to the new father's arms.

"Your son, your excellency..."

Y/N moved to Lise's side, noting the blood staining the sheets. It was everywhere. Coating her skin, pooled beneath her, leaving a sticky, scarlet film on the midwife's hands.

It was too much. Far too much.

"Lise...? Lise please..."

No response. Y/N moved closer, grabbing her hand. It was limp in her grasp, lifeless. She knew, and yet, she refused to believe it.

"I'm sorry, your excellency... she's gone..."

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Five

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

December 23rd, 1985

“I’m so sorry that I had to do that, sweetie, but you know it’s for your own good,” his mom said. “You can’t go around hugging everyone you see, it will give someone the wrong impression.”

Remy sniffled a little but pulled up his pants and nodded. He had only hugged his older cousins because he was happy to see them, he didn’t understand what the big deal was. But maybe it was some super secret adult thing. Remy didn’t know. If hugging people got him in trouble with a spanking, though, he definitely wasn’t going to hug them anymore. Even if Magenta begged, even if Nate chased him around the house.

He wasn’t going to get in trouble again.

October 14th, 2000

“I really don’t think this is a good idea, Emile...” Remy said. His heels were digging into the grass as Emile dragged him by the arm over to where a group of people were already chatting and laughing.

“Come on, Remy. You don’t have to be friends with any of these people, but as my friend I want to introduce you to my other friends,” Emile said.

“But...but you know what happened with Clara, what if it turns out that I insulted more of your friends?” Remy asked.

“Then you can apologize and work to make amends, Remy, it’s not that hard,” Emile said, tilting his head to the side with puppy-dog eyes. Remy hated those puppy-dog eyes; they were near impossible to say no to. “Please? Just give this a shot.”

Remy inwardly sighed. “I’ve...I’ve never really gotten in trouble before for what I’ve said. At least, not in the regular way most kids do when they backtalk. I...I don’t have experience with ‘proper apologies’ as you called them.”

Emile stopped and turned to face Remy fully, and Remy scratched the back of his neck. He was still terrified of Emile going ballistic over something Remy did. Even if last time they had fought Emile only left the situation, what would happen if that wasn’t possible? What would happen if Remy pushed beyond the point of no return? Emile was proving to be a good friend, someone who Remy could trust with the little things. He didn’t want to lose that. “Remy, I’m not mad with you, okay? If you need help apologizing, then I can help you. But I don’t want you shying away from talking to people just because you said some things you shouldn’t have while trying to defend yourself.”

Remy sighed again, outwardly this time, and nodded. Emile had a point. He always had a point. “Just...just promise me that you won’t leave me alone with these guys if I don’t feel comfortable with that?”

“Of course,” Emile assured. “I would never dream of hurting you, and that includes scaring you.”

Remy knew that was true, much as it confused him. He nodded, and together they walked over to Emile’s friends, who grew quiet when they all saw Remy. Remy cringed—had he really given off that much of a bad impression? “Guys, this is Remy,” Emile said, gesturing to him. “I invited him to play frisbee with us today. I hope you don’t mind?”

“I don’t know, Emile. You know we love you, but...sometimes the ‘friends’ you pick up off the street and take home with you aren’t the best. You don’t have the best judgement for who will or won’t hurt you,” one of the guys said.

Remy flinched. “You’re...Xavier, right?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Xavier said, leveling Remy with a glare. “And I don’t appreciate what you said about my girlfriend.”

“I’m...I’m really sorry about that,” Remy said. “I don’t have any good reason to have said what I did, because there is no good reason to insult anyone. Emile’s been teaching me that. Um. I...never really had a lot of friends growing up—”

“—Shocker,” Xavier said.

Remy’s eyes stung with tears. “Which means that I don’t know where the lines I shouldn’t cross are. You don’t have to be friends with me. That’s fine. But Emile was trying to be nice to me by inviting me to play with you guys. Don’t insult his judgement just because I’ve been a real...well, you can fill in the blank with whatever word you choose. They’re all pretty accurate.”

Xavier stared him down and Remy wanted to crawl under a rock and die right then and there. “Emile, I’m starting to think this was a bad idea,” Remy said in a pained whisper.

“Oh, yeah, you definitely shouldn’t have shown up,” Xavier growled, taking a step forward.

Remy flinched back and away, bringing his hands up to block an attack. His breathing was picking up, and he was wondering if this was it. Would Emile decide that Remy was a lost cause? Would Xavier punch him in the face? He certainly deserved it. He was so stupid—he should have stood his ground when Emile first invited him to this and said no. His foot slipped on a small rock as he tried to get away, sending him crashing to the ground. And great, now he was definitely crying, and panicking, and he didn’t see a way out of this. He was supposed to stay unattached so this sort of thing wouldn’t happen. This was why he didn’t make friends, he was too much of a crybaby, no one would ever take him seriously if he just kept crying at every obstacle he faced.

Now there were hands on him and Remy couldn’t get away, his whole body hurt from hitting the ground and he was having a panic attack and this was officially the worst day ever. Someone was saying his name, but it sounded distorted, like he was stuck underwater, or maybe behind a pane of glass. He kept his eyes screwed shut tight and rode out the wave of panic the best he could, and when he felt like he could breathe again he opened his eyes, just a crack. It was Emile who had put hands on his shoulders, and all of Emile’s friends were staring at him, including Xavier. “You good, man?” Xavier asked.

“Fine,” Remy lied. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine,” Clara said.

“Clara,” Emile warned.

“Just tripped, I’ll be fine. Just a little sore,” Remy said.

“Yeah...no. You looked like you were convinced Xavier was gonna slug you,” another guy said. “Which, I mean, maybe he gets angry but he doesn’t hit people.”

Remy sat up, but noticed that Emile’s hands didn’t leave his shoulders. “Okay, everyone, your concern is touching, but I’m fine,” Remy insisted. “It was a tiny panic attack. It happens sometimes. We can all move on.” Stop pressing the issue, please.

“If you’re sure?” Emile asked.

Remy gave him a smile and a nod. “Yeah. I’m gonna hurt for like, twenty minutes, but I can still play, if you guys will have me. If you don’t, though, I get it.”

“Nah, man,” Xavier said. “I was letting a grudge override my better judgement. You apologized for your actions, that’s the end of that.”

“Really?” Remy asked, unable to hide his surprise.

Xavier nodded. “I might not be happy with you for a little while yet, but you can play with us if you want to.”

“Huh.” Remy blinked. “I’m not used to that, but sure, let’s play.”

Emile lightly touched Remy’s arm as everyone spread out while Clara grabbed a frisbee. Remy followed Emile to where he was starting as Clara tossed the frisbee in the air a few times. “You know, I think you scared Xavier pretty bad. Scared all of us, really.”

“Oh. Sorry,” Remy grimaced.

“Not something to apologize for,” Emile said softly. “But are you okay? Remy, that sort of response, the panic attack and the flinching away...you wouldn’t happen to...have a history of abuse? You don’t have to answer, but I worry.”

“I wasn’t abused, Emile,” Remy said, watching as Clara threw the frisbee across the quad and Xavier caught it. “Never had that sort of problem growing up, don’t worry. I just...had a panic attack from slipping and falling. It startled me more than I anticipated, I guess.”

Emile bit his lip. “You know, I worry about you Remy.”

Remy bristled. “I know. It’s honestly a little annoying. It was endearing at first, but I feel like you’ve been crowding into my space lately.”

“Have I?” Emile asked. “I’ll back off if you want me to. But you know, I’m always here if you want to talk.”

“I know,” Remy said as the frisbee got tossed their way and Remy caught it, before flinging it across the quad, causing several of Emile’s friends to rush after it. “You constantly remind me of that fact.”

Emile looked...not hurt, and not worried, but some combination of the two. Remy ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. “What did I do this time?” he asked.

“You just...called me caring annoying. I don’t mind backing off if I’m crowding you, but friends caring about other friends isn’t annoying,” Emile explained.

“Ah,” Remy said. “I...don’t know how to respond to that, in all honesty.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to,” Emile said. “Just...make sure that you’re not pushing everyone away, preferably sooner rather than later.”

Remy idly nodded before the frisbee flew wide and both him and Emile rushed after it. Remy certainly wasn’t left alone to his introspection, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t thinking. Everything he had been through, the yelling, the spanking, the neglect...that wasn’t abuse. Not in the sense that he had ever heard of. Spanking was discipline. Yelling just happened when people lost their temper. And the neglect...well, his parents had three kids. Someone had to get lost in the shuffle every once in a while. That didn’t point to abuse, right?

Sure, he may have been scared of Xavier hitting him, but he wouldn’t admit that to the others. They didn’t need to know about his problems, he didn’t need to burden them. And besides, if Emile had a real reason to worry, Remy doubted he would ever be left alone, when sometimes, that was exactly what he wanted.

He ran a hand through his hair again before catching the frisbee and tossing it to Emile, who was halfway across the quad. Playing around was fun, he had to admit, but none of these people were his friends, save Emile. He didn’t want friends beyond Emile, though. He barely wanted Emile to be his friend, half the time. He was nosy, constantly asking questions, and getting excited over things Remy didn’t understand. But then he’d hug Remy after they had talked for a while, or offer Remy half of the giant cookie he had gotten in the cafeteria when he noticed Remy’s stomach snarling, or even do something dorky like show Remy how to make flower crowns so once spring came around they could “be prepared,” and yeah, Remy had to admit that being friends with Emile also had its perks.

When everyone was pretty much done playing for the time being, they all reconvened at the edge of the quad, and chatted with each other for a little while. Apparently, half the people in this group were part of Emile’s DnD game, and the other half were those friends’ friends. Xavier came over to Remy and asked him softly, “You sure you’re okay, man? I didn’t mean to give you a panic attack.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Remy brushed off. “It takes a little more than some aggression to hurt me. I was more startled about falling than I was at you being angry. And you had every right to be angry.”

“Bea is the love of my life, so yeah, I was more than a little upset when you insulted her. But Emile has talked about you before. He says that you don’t make friends easy. For whatever reason, you mostly prefer to be alone. And I respect that because you obviously have your reasons. But if you’re trying to isolate yourself, man, that’s not healthy,” Xavier said.

“I’m not trying to isolate myself,” Remy shrugged off. “At least not on a conscious level. Friends are a lot of work, and I usually don’t have the energy to put in what other people want to get out of it. It saves both parties a little time and energy.”

“Okay, edgelord,” Xavier said with a little laugh. “But if you ever want to, like, hang out with people without really needing to know them, a friend of a friend is gonna be throwing a killer Halloween party, and I know Emile’s going. The two of you could hang out, maybe he could introduce you to someone you get on with. Who knows? Point is, everyone’s invited to the party, and between you and me,” Xavier’s voice dropped to a whisper, “They’re bringing the good booze.”

Remy hummed. “I might go. Especially if I can see Emile drunk. That would be hilarious.”

“Yeah, man,” Xavier laughed. “Between you and me I’m bringing a video camera, just so that I can show people how trashed they get at parties.”

Remy chuckled. “Sounds like fun, you’ve got me. I’m in.”

[evakuality]

Druck, s5 episode 10 - belated thoughts and overall season impressions

I really like that Nora is still being shown with her symptoms here.  She’s reconnecting with people, and letting people know things about what’s happening, but that doesn’t magically fix everything.  And it’s good that she takes the chance to talk to them a little bit about everything.  It does feel a bit sudden in a lot of ways - she was just anxious about telling the therapist all this stuff and being labeled crazy (I assume - that’s certainly the vibe she gave off) and now she’s super happy to tell the girls all this stuff.  I’m happy that she wants to and feels like she can, but it also feels quite quick.  But that’s the nature of something like this, I guess.  Everything needs to be resolved now.  The whole business with the merch is weird too, with the way she just goes ‘yeah sure, I’m emotionally numb so I’ll draw lots and lots of pictures on lots of things.’  Again, the girls are nice about it, but I guess she feels a bit guilty because it was her who stuffed it up so it feels like there’s some pressure there, even if they don’t mean it.  And ugh, poor Ava when Kieu My turned up - I mean I get that most of this group don’t necessarily know how bad the whole thing was for her but it feels really weird that the focus is on Fatou’s nerves here rather than actually dealing with some of the bigger and more serious stuff that’s floating around with this.  I know it was more the others, but we know from later that this was pretty shitty for Ava.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - I really hope the bullying gets addressed properly and not swept under the table.  The fact that Nora is still happy to be around these people after her experiences with Constantin and Ismail makes me wary.  But I do still have hope that all this will be worked through.  If they are combining the squads (and it looks like they are), then they can’t have this unresolved, not when it’s such a big thing for Ava (and should have affected Nora more if she hadn’t been so numb to everything).

I understand why they have this scene with Kiki about being allowed to stay in the flat by themselves, and I think it’s goods that they deal with all of that (the way Kiki came running as soon as she felt she was needed - it’s not good for her, as they all seem to realise and I’m glad everyone is getting to do what’s working best for them), but it felt very rushed (I suspect I may say that a lot about this episode - it’s all stuff that needs to happen and it’s already quite long, but it feels too fast for me).  And the same with Nora’s comments about therapy.  She says she quite likes it and wants to continue and yet we didn’t see that.  What we saw was a very closed off and belligerent Nora who was only just starting to thaw in that session.  And yes she has a reason to make it all seem more cheerful than she really feels, but it’s still very abrupt as a change.  This is probably the only time I haven’t found a scene with this family compelling and that’s a bit of a shame.

And another rushed moment.  There was a lot shoved into this one clip (Josh, merch, a bullying session, a concert we never heard of til now, a random half-baked apology from Constantin) - for some reason, the show thinks Ismail and Constantin still need to be assholes for no reason.  I mean, clearly it’s designed to show that Kieu My is ‘better’ than they are because she engages and is willing to do ‘12 year old stuff’, but again, if we’re connecting these two squads then this sort of stuff has to stop.  I know I get worked up about this, but it really bugs me.  This behaviour is childish and I’m finding it boring to watch.  Even the apology from Constantin (which does seem sincere) isn’t enough to balance how stupid this ongoing behaviour is.  Hopefully they deal more with that later too and don’t just drop it.  My other take away from this: Nora has to draw 76 things already????  This is going to take forever and I have no idea how she’s going to manage that alongside her classwork.

Oh, I love this little mis-matched table and chair thing they have going on.  It’s so cute and I feel like it really perfectly fits them and their vibes, you know?  This whole friendsgiving idea is so cute and I love that they took what Ava was saying and tried to do something nice for her.  They really are a sweet group of kids.  And her face when she saw it is just ... perfect.  Ugh, when am I getting my Ava season?????  This little conversation between Nora and Josh is very good, too.  You can feel him trying and how hard it is for them both.  I do wish they had dragged this part out a bit longer, either pushing the original break up to earlier in the season or by spreading this into another one, but I like that they’re showing this part.  It IS awkward and difficult to be friends with someone you have feelings for and good on Josh for saying that he just can’t do it.  It hurts and it’s hard, but honesty really is key.  And that, for me, is the biggest thing Nora has had to learn this season.  You can’t hide behind a face and expect things to be okay.  So all these moments of honesty that she’s facing and dealing with, those are so important to her growth.  And then we end with the girls supporting each other which I also really love.  They are all super adorable!

This last clip is also nice.  I still think this sudden ‘live concert’ coming out of nowhere in this last episode is a bit rushed, but the execution is cool.  Ava and Fatou are adorable together and I need a lot more of them singing.  I’m not 100% feeling the thing with Josh and Nora, which is kind of ironic, but it is cute.  I just wish this had all been given more time.  In fact these are the things I wish had more space: the Cash Queens reunion/reconciliation (it needed more conversation/discussion), the Constantin/Ismail/Kieu My stuff being dealt with in more depth (though hopefully this is coming), the Machwitz siblings deciding to live together and Kiki being okay with it (that one needed another clip or two, I think), and the Josh/Nora reconciliation.  Some things have been done really well.  I do think Nora’s mental health was done well, and I liked that it makes clear in this episode that she isn’t totally well and doesn’t expect to be in the near future.  Having said that, I’m not a huge fan of the ‘minute by minute’ idea being moved here.  In some ways it works (this is about a mental illness, after all, and so it fits in that way), but in others ... that’s so iconic for a specific situation and this doesn’t fit in with that one.  Even needed it in a very specific way, and Nora needs something, sure, but I don’t think quite nails her specific needs and I wish they had thought it through for her a little more thoroughly.

Overall, I like the episode.  My biggest issue with this episode is that it’s trying to do so much in such a short time.  Every clip has so much packed into it that nothing really feels like it has time to breathe.  I assume there’s a reason why they’re sticking to 10 episodes, but I wish that either they didn’t have to or that they had paced things more evenly through the season.  The great strength of Skam and Druck is, I feel, that everything is allowed to be paced as it needs to be.  That things happen in a way that gives weight and meaning to lives in a way that isn’t dramatic and isn’t overwrought, but which shows truths about people and their lives.  That this episode hasn’t been able to do that in the same way is a shame.  It’s the ending; it should be the strongest one.  Having said that, I think the friendsgiving clip manages to do exactly that and I love it for it.  It is my favourite clip of this episode and one of my favourites of the season.  This probably feels negative and like all I’m doing is criticising the episode and the season, but that’s not true at all.  

Overall I really enjoyed this season, particularly the sibling dynamics and getting to know the new girls.  It has its flaws, but so do my absolute favourite seasons, and I think it’s a really nice entry into a new gen and some new characters.  The mental illness plot was good to see and I really liked some of the decisions they made around showing its build up and how it affected Nora.  The lighting chosen, the framing, some of the shots they chose - it all built that part up very well.  And while the resolution to it did feel a bit rushed, I do like the acknowledgement that it’s still part of Nora and she’s going to be dealing with it into the future.  And while I’m not on board with Kieu My being the love interest until and unless they address the bullying properly, I do like that we have plots already brewing for next season.  Ava is clearly not cool with it (that whole ‘you deserve better than her’ thing she said to Fatou), and Fatou was clearly thinking she had a chance until the Freindsgiving business and so things are set up for the new season.  It’s a really decent intro to the new era, and solidly sets up characters while telling a story that is good and even compelling in places.

[chidoroki]

TPN ch180

(spoilers! i'm so broken)

I didn't want to be right. I didn't want to actually believe that Emma was lying. If anything, I thought she was just lying about staying with her family when they crossed over to the human world, knowing she would be separated, but this.. oh my god. This girl knew ever since ch143 that she was going to lose her memories of her family and straight up lied to them about it. Granted, only a few days passed from when she returned from The 7 Walls up until they all crossed over to the human world, but still, I.. don't know how to feel. I knew since the prison break she had great acting skills so I'm impressed that she managed to pull off yet another wonderful performance, but wow.. I really hoped she wouldn't! To keep such an important and life changing secret from her family, who are all so important to her, I can't imagine how hard it must have been for her knowing this while dealing with the entire capital attack and GF plantation raid. Fighting so hard and succeeding in achieving a bright, happier future for everyone but herself.. ow, my heart.

Some people are fine with the memory loss, others aren't. If anything, at least she's the only one who forgot? I think it would've been worse if everyone else forgot about Emma instead, so having the promise only hurt her is fine.. well, it's not, clearly, but you get what I mean.

And if demon god wasn't on my nerves enough already, the little prat decides to basically photoshop every family member out of the photos Emma kept this entire time. I'm touched she still had the photos in her possession, but now this upsets me so much. Upon seeing the first set of raws and learning Emma lost her memories, I hoped that she could possibly remember them by looking back at these photos if she still had them. But no. Demon god doesn't want me to be happy or get my hopes up. It would've been such a cool idea though. We know Ray originally requested the camera because he needed to strobe for the taser, but he continued to take pictures, not only to keep up the act to prevent Isabella from getting suspicious, but to give said photos to Emma because he knew how important their family is to her. I would've loved it if something so important from the first couple arcs came back at the very end to help Emma regain her memories.

Not only that, but demon god also got rid of her id number? Like.. really? I don't know why that bothers me so much but it does. I know the id brands just proved that the kids were meant to be nothing but food. Of course I know that they're all so much more than that and I should be happy Emma lost hers, because it truly means she's free, but the number was a part of her you know? It would've been fine if every cattle child lost their identifier, but since it was only her it makes me think demon god wanted it to be that much harder for Emma to remember her past and family. That's what bothers me. That even now, after they all crossed over and don't have to deal with demons anymore, demon god still has the audacity ability to make Emma suffer. If she still had her number, I'm sure she would've questioned it, much like Ray did when he was younger (my mind thinks back to ch28, that one memory of him looking at his neck in a mirror). Maybe she would've realized that the people in her dreams also have the same neck numbers, if only faintly. (it must be so weird for Demizu to draw Emma now and not include her number after all this time)

That leads me to wonder if Emma has questioned the rest of her appearance yet. I would assume she's still missing her left ear, since her hair is still covering that side, so does she ever wonder about why it's missing? What about the scars on her body? We personally haven't seen them, but you can't tell me her back and abdomen looks perfect and clean after getting stabbed by Lewis. Yes I know, scars heal with time, but the scar on Lucas' face was still recognizable after 13 years. Same with Zack and his many unfading scars. So does Emma question where hers came from?

Moving on, a month passes and still no memories, however Musica's necklace seems to be the cause of Emma's vivid dreams, like it somehow brings life to her feelings. We see the necklace constantly, not only because Emma wears it, but on volume covers and other color pages as well. It's always been shown off as this important item and yet it hasn't really served a purpose yet. Emma recieved the necklace back in ch51 and the only thing its done so far was show her that one old vision at Cuvitidala in ch101. It'll be a real easy way to solve everything by having the necklace just conveniently bring back her memories, so I get why some people might not like the idea, but at this point I'd be fine with it.

Figures she would end up in the human world with someone who can sympathize with her pain. Old dude lost his family due to war but at least he can remember them. He asks if Emma would want to see her family, if they're alive, and she remains unsure and lost. She doesn't know who these dream people are to her, why they call out "Emma" or why it makes her feel better.

This panel.. this one right here is what breaks me. Our girl is so upset and she can't even understand why. We know why you're crying hun, it's because you miss your family. Your memories may have faded but your feelings for them still live on with you! I have no doubt that love you just as much too! My poor girl, someone send me her location so I can go and hug her!

Emma might have given up trying to remember who she was and live a new life, but if she did encounter her family again, I hope she would be excited to meet them as new people. Maybe they could all start over. Over time they could gently remind her of her past, and if Emma truly can't remember, I hope they'll accept her regardless.

And a name change? I'm.. mmm frustrated. Yeah it makes sense since she couldn't remember hers and would need a new one anyway, but aahh, really? No id identifier, no memories, no name; it's like she's a new character. I was never a fan of the amnesia trope, like she's such a great character and gets built up wonderfully, and now it's like you reset her to zero. Yeah I know, deep down she's still the happy go lucky girl we all know and love, who's strong and capable to still smile even now, but.. man, idk anymore. This whole chapter hurts me.

There's a dim light at the end of the tunnel because we get a glimpse of Ray, Gilda and.. at first I thought it was Don but that person is way too short, so Phil? Regardless, I gotta give them some credit. It may have been a couple months, (remember, old dude said he could't call for help until spring and there's flowers in the ground now) but they've already managed to find where she might be in this new, large world. Please, turn around though! She's so close to you guys, she's right there! Notice her antenna or something, I beg you!

Demon god said that even if Emma met her family, she wouldn't remember them, but I still have small hopes. Emma claim's she stopped having the dreams and given up trying to remember her past, but maybe that short amount of time believing in them was enough. Aside from the necklace which connected her feelings to her unconscious mind, the five sense can also recall memories. Perhaps if she heard her name now, outside of a dream, something in her mind will click. Maybe she would get that warm feeling again she once longed for. Sense of smell and taste are usually most effective in bringing back memories so maybe just being near them or having them cook for her could also help. I know the sense of touch usually works for when you personally touch something, but if it's possible to also recall memories by being touched, then please, for the love of god, let Ray pat Emma's head again! He's done it countless time over the years.. can you imagine if upon meeting and learning that she has no memories, Ray is just like "no worries, you're still the same Emma to us," and while he pats her head, she's like wait hold up, major deja vu, I feel like I felt something like that happened before. I'm probably only getting my hopes up real high with that idea (since old dude just patted her head and nothing) but bro.. I would honestly cry if something so simple and nostalgic as a head pat helps Emma remember her family even the tiniest bit.

And yes, I'm worried Norman isn't around. Please don't let me be right again by having him stay behind due to his health issues. Just let him be in another search group somewhere else okay? I'll accept that. It's odd he wouldn't be working alongside Ray but whatever, split your best minds up to create equally powerful teams, that's fine. It only worries me because now we might not get one last full-score trio hug like I originally hoped! I swear having a hug like that as the very last panel of the series would've been perfectly fine with me after everything that just happened. But now.. aahhh, we'll see.

I can't believe the series ends next week. There's still so much I want to see and know. I pray there's a happy ending for everyone. I want Emma with her family. I want her to remember them. I want one last full-score trio hug. Shirai, don't let us down! You played with my feelings so much within the past year, so please make all the stress and tears worth it! Give me an ending that will satisfy me so much that TPN replaces Black Lagoon as my favorite series! Go ahead, I dare you! Ya see that beautiful panel? Give that to us and not have it be a fantasy! (pretty please??)

[ts-unpopular-opinions]

Side Tracks opinions part 3: Logan

(Here I go again! Logan’s playlist is a bit more straightforward than the other bois, so heres hoping this one doesn’t take me as long 🤞)

1) The Elements: Not much to say. It just a literal musical list of the periodic table of elements. You can’t get much more Logan than that 😂 Also, Logan likes chemistry!

2) White and Nerdy: Apart from the obvious listing of nerdy things and the legitimate title, Logan feels like he doesn’t always get taken seriously enough by the other sides (“I wanna roll with the gangstas, But so far they all think I'm too White and nerdy” “I wanna bowl with the gangstas, But, oh well, it's obvious I'm White and nerdy”). Basically Logan is a big nerd and a dork. He knows that and he’s worried that sometimes it ostracizes him from the others.

3) Algorithm: Logan doesn’t understand humans very well, at least, he doesn’t understand anything but the logical aspect of humans and the world. He has a different view on life than the other sides (“Supercomputer status, walkin' along streets”). He thinks that the dilemmas and problems in the world would not exist if it wasnt for humans throwing a wrench into all of it with their feelings and emotions (“Humans don't understand, humans will sell a lie. Humans gotta survive, we know we gon' die. Nothing can live forever, you know we gon' try. Life, is it really worth it?”). As the song puts it, Logan believes that the theoretical algorithm of life is perfect, and he doesn’t understand why it needs to get muddied and ruined by simple human issues (“Looking for something worth it, the algorhythm is perfect, mmh”).

4) Fitter Happier: This song is interesting because it shows us the innerworkings of Logan’s thought process. A lot of what he does involves simply planning daily tasks (things as small as drinking or eating) based on what he knows is most healthy for Thomas. The song completely lacks any sense of feeling or emotion and is, as I stated, a legitimate list of things to do in a day. All tasks are put in place to keep Thomas fitter and happier, however, Logan doesn’t have a grasp on emotions and clearly doesn’t know all of the things that Thomas needs to be happy AND healthy. I’ll just list some interesting daily tasks in the song here: “Regular exercise at the gym, three days a week” “Eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats” “Careful to all animals, never washing spiders down the plughole” “Favours for favours, fond but not in love” “Still cries at a good film” “Still kisses with saliva”. As the song goes on, you kind of get a sense that Logan is losing his grip on Thomas, or doesn’t understand why Thomas isn’t feeling satisfied with the plan that, to him, is perfect. Thomas feels trapped in the life that Logan plans for him, and Logan does not understand why that is (“A pig in a cage on antibiotics” “No chance of escape”). There are also a lot of points in the song where Logan shows that he finds emotions to be a weakness, or something to hide away (“Will not cry in public” “Nothing so childish” “No paranoia”).

5) Medicine: I’m not 100% sure what this song is about, but it talks a lot about ancient philosophy. Basically being curious about the world and people in it. I’m guessing that Logan just likes philosophy and thinks that people should always stay curious. Logan really values curiosity and thinking (of course).

6) The Watchtower: This ones... interesting to say the least. If you’re a fan of the broken blue crayon theory you may want to look into this song a bit more. The song talks about being broken and wanting to restart things, possibly showing that Logan will crack at somepoint and need to reevaluate how he’s been handling things (“I'm breaking, I need another start. Far away, From the city lights.”). Ultimately, I think this song is about Logan’s neutrality over all the situations that the group handles. He doesn’t really see problems as good or bad, because he can see logical scenarios with both options (“From the watchtower, We can see things coming. Good or bad”). He knows that this mentality makes him a bit unlikeable because the other sides want him to side with them, but he doesn’t really mind (“I don't mind, If I'm impopular-ar.”).

7) The Breach: Another interesting one which I feel like could have two meanings. My first take was that this song was about Virgil escaping the dark side of Thomas’ mind and mixing in with the light sides. Logan wasn’t quite sure how to process this new arrival at the begining and had no control over his escape (“Generally operating normally, A small anomaly has become evident” “There is spiking in the pulse of a member of the cargo” “First: the recommended course of action should be to Administer a sedative to all the cargo via ventilation” “Now: one specifically is up and moving to the door”). After looking into the lyrics a bit more though, it seemed like a lot of them could be applied to Janus as well, specifically his first appearance when he was disguised as patton. Logan knew from very early on the Janus was taking pattons spot, but was unable to say or do anything about it due to Janus being the only one with “the access code” (“The ship is fully capable of automating this But requires an approval code from the administration” “He has found the access panel situated in the floor. He is entering the codes and overriding has begun. Reading rage in the nervous system, nothing can be done”). Either way you see it, I’m nearly positive it is about a dark side coming out to the light and Logan not being able to control it.

8) The Letter C: I LOVE THIS ONE 😂 And it’s the first in our list of songs that Logan vent’s about Roman in! The premise of the song is that someone insulted the main singers rap and so the main singer goes off about the comeback he wished he would have used to tell this guy off. It’s honestly such a funny song and I couldn’t give it the justice it deserves here by just listing the lyrics. It gives off huge rap battle vibes and I’m sure Logan would have been imagining the one who insulted him as Roman. Here’s just some great lines that I’d like to point out: “Man I wish I could’ve hit him with a zinger. Should’ve served him with the verbal equivalent of a middle finger.” “I’d say, "Are you insured medically? ‘Cause you sure better be When you’re broken in half from provokin’ the wrath” ““Aw shit!” “Oh crap!” Everybody within earshot would be like, “Oh snap!” I’d high five all around while the guy falls down in a ball on the ground” “I pull out a sharpie marker, Narrow my eyes through my Warby Parkers. Like, “Watch who you’re f-in’ with, with your f-in’ ish””.

9) Galaxy Song: Logan trying to calm Thomas down in the only way he knows how: Gushing about how great the natural world is (“Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving” “Now the sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see, Are moving at a million miles a day” “Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars” “And our galaxy itself is one of millions of billions In this amazing and expanding universe”). It’s cute, its wholesome, and Logan tries his best to be comforting 🖤 (“So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, How amazingly unlikely is your birth; And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!”).

10) Streaks: Logan explains to Thomas that growing up is a process that he needs to experience. He understands that it’s hard and scary, but he believes that if you follow the plan and stay in the lines, everything will work out alright (“You can decide on the colors that you like As long as you stay in the lines” “All these years of filling out papers, Building a future, keeping your head down. Tryin' to keep a head on your shoulders” “Cause It's all a piece of the plan. It's something You'll understand When you're older” “Give em what they need to move on, then you let them go”). As he’s explained in canon, he doesn’t really see room for taking a lot of creative liberties in life, and he believes Thomas should follow the mold set out for everyone in life. That’s the logical way to survive anyways.

11) What I do for You: (This song and the next song feel pretty connected to me, so keep that in mind) In this song, Logan really shows his pride and ego. He believes he is the most important side for Thomas and that he will get Thomas the furthest in life (“I want you to survive” “I'm your only hope, I'm your savior too. Every single test You've been ever carried through”). Despite his superiority complex, he knows that Thomas doesn’t see Logan as important as he should. Logan knows how much he does for Thomas but is a bit annoyed that Thomas never seems to notice (“I couldn't ever give up on you, But don't thank me”).

12) Erase Me: Oooh boy. This ones heavy... Logan is PISSED. The whole song feels like a jab at Thomas, daring him to get rid of Logan to see what happens. Logan still feel important and knows his necessity as part of Thomas, but he’s frustrated with the lack of recognition he gets for all of the things he does (“Would it be easier? To just delete, our pages And the plans we've made” “Erase me, so you don't have to face me. Put me in ground and move the daisies” “So what will you do? With no me for you” “Erased me, what the fuck is this? You're crazy, Turn around and do each time, Replace me”). Logan sounds MAD in this song, something that he’s shown in canon quite a few times. It’s interesting that Logan alone seems to be the only side whose shown such anger and furstration, this song just adding to his list of instances. I’m not sure what that could mean going forward...

13) Art is Dead: Well what do yah know? Another rant song for Roman! We all know how Logan feels about Thomas’ choice of career as an entertainer and this song is basically just that. Logan can’t understand Roman’s dreams and aspirations for Thomas because they don’t make any logical sense to him (“ Have you ever been to a birthday party for children And one of the children won't stop screaming Cuz he's just a little attention attractor. When he grows up to be a comic or actor He'll be rewarded for never maturing, For never understanding or learning That every day can't be about him. There's other people, you selfish asshole!”) Logan would rather Thomas take up a job that is benefiting society and making his world a better place (“Cause I wanted my name in lights When I could have fed a family of four For forty fucking fortnights”). Roman’s self-centered and fantastical view on Thomas’ future is just childish to Logan and he feels like Thomas may one day grow out of it (“I'm just a kid And maybe I'll grow out of it”).

14) Equation: Oh man... I just don’t know. The song mentions a mom and dad, so I automatically go to a younger Thomas and his younger version of Logan. The song just asks a bunch of questions that feel like things a little kid might ask (“Have I made you cross? Have I made you sad? Have I made you proud Mom?” “How white is the snow, Does it matter after all?Will I ever learn How to fly like a birds?” “Are you going to school? Are you far from home? Are you well alone Dad? Will I be a brave? Will I be a bright? Will I be a good grown up?”). Logan may have represented more of Curiosity in Thomas’ younger years than Logic. A lot of Logan’s songs have an encompasing theme of wonder and curiosity being amazing things to have. I think Logan really values that part of himself/Thomas.

15) Sunrise: Yes! The love song everyone! I’ll shut that down right away and say that Logan DOES NOT UNDERSTAND LOVE. He isn’t even capable of “love” as some of the other side may be. He of course understands love and how it works, but it’s merely a process to him, and a word which he’s openly stated that he doesn’t like to use. So lets try to look at this from Logan’s perspective. The song is literally about learning spanish, yes its clearly romantic, but its about learning spanish. Something that Logan has shown an interest in since wayyyy back at the begining of the series. I like to imagine that this song came up in Thomas’ playlist and Logan was overjoyed that Thomas was not only learning something from the song, but also learning spanish!

16) One More Time with Feeling: This one feels kind of tough to crack. To me, I get the feeling that Logan’s again talking about the others and the fact that they don’t listen to him. He prepares his words and hopes to get through to them, but is only welcomed by blank faces and misunderstanding (“Everyone takes turns. Now it's yours to play the part And they're sitting all around you, Holding copies of your chart, And the misery inside their eyes is Synchronized and reflecting into yours”). After getting shut down, Logan tries again ‘with feeling this time’, hoping to get through, but it falls flat over and over again (“Hold on. One more time with feeling. Try it again, breathing's just a rhythm. Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right”). Logan has been trying really hard to appeal to the others in different way, but if seems like it never works in his opinion (“You thought by now you'd be So much better than you are. You thought by now they'd see That you had come so far”). He want’s to finally be shown the respect that he believes he deserves and hopes to one day be loved by the others and much as they love each other (“And the pride inside their eyes Would synchronized into a love you've never known. So much more than you've been shown”).

17) In My Mind: Logan has a drastically different view of Thomas’ future than is actually the case (“In a future five years from now. I'm one hundred and twenty pounds, And I never get hung over Because I will be the picture of discipline” “And I will be someone I admire And it's funny how I imagined That I would be that person now, But it does not seem to have happened” “Maybe I've just forgotten how to see That I am not exactly the person that I thought I'd be”). He’s realized that he has some unrealistic expectations for Thomas and that’s odd to him as, logically, things should have played out how he thought they would. At the end of the song, Logan seems to accept the fact that even though Thomas hasn’t strictly followed the plan that Logan expected, he’s still doing great and succeeding at life (“I am exactly the person that I want to be”).

18) Not Perfect: This song has a lot of lyrics, but most of them can be taken at face value. Logan recognizes that everything in Thomas’ life (his world, his country, his house, his body, and his brain) is not perfect. I’m sure it’s a metaphor for Logan realizing that he, himself, is not perfect and he’s begining to realize that he can’t solve every problem.

19) Human: This song is also long. REALLY LONG. But thankfully it is fairly straight forward. When life is getting Thomas (or any of the sides down) Logan will list facts about their life as a human that are supposed to be comforting or inspirational. It’s basically just like Galaxy song, but a bit more personal and loving. Here’s just some cute quotes from it to keep you all going: “For you are a force of skin & nails & heart. A walking Monae, you're breathing art” “The average human heart will beat over 100 million times in one lifetime. I'm sure you'll find someone who won't mind skipping one for you” “You need to grow up. You need to grow out of things. When something doesn't belong, even your body knows when it's time for that thing to be Replaced” “15 million blood cells are Destroyed in a human body every second. If your body can get over it You can get over that last relationship”). Basically Logan trying to ground Thomas in reality to make him realize that everything he’s going through is just human.

20) Time Adventure: (ughhh this song make me cry every time I hear it) That being said, I was a bit surprised to hear this on Logan’s album and not Pattons. Not only that, but it’s his finishing song. The song is all about growing up and how, even though time passes, you will always have the good memories that you built along the way. It’s also about how, no matter how much time passes, the singer and the person theyre singing about will always be friends. Seems kind of like a weird song choice for Logan right? It seems like it needs to include Patton in someway... So perhaps its Logan trying to comfort Patton. Patton has shown a fear of growing up and changing, so perhaps telling him that he’ll always have a friend in Logan no matter how the times change is something that Logan does to ease his worries.

(Oh boy... this one took a long time 😅 Sorry about that! Like usual, let me know what you think and give your own opinions if you’d like!)