#i’ll never forgive people for making them almost

[pionas]

i am about to jump OFF

[glossykissies]

in the age of answering machines, clark knows your parents aren’t home but you are. and often talks to your machine like he’s waiting for you to pick up the phone. sometimes when you’re in a fight he’ll try to coax you over so you can answer the phone so that he can clear the air. sometimes he gets carried away and details some of his fave parts of last night while you’re grinning at the machine letting him do it

you were honestly just being petty. you often tried not to get mad at clark when he was being all… clark-like.

you’d told yourself you wasn’t going to be that kind of girlfriend anyway. the one that stops him from doing what he needs to do, which is often stopping tragedies and saving people— but you supposed you were only human. you had feelings too.

chaos had been reaping through smallville lately, so clark had been a little out of it. first it was him staring into space when you were talking to him about some gossip he’d usually love to hear about, then he’d thrown you off his lap mid makeout session because he thought he saw someone dangerous out your bedroom window (however he did make up for that by putting you through the mattress that night…) but the final straw was him promising to meet you at a restaurant for dinner and then never showing up.

another life saved whilst you sat waiting for him. you were sure he’d received enough praise for the night, so you called it — leaving the place and heading back to your empty house to sulk around in your pyjamas instead of that pretty skirt you’d recently purchased, having saved it for a date night with clark. you’re sure he’ll see it some other time.

you peel yourself off the couch to grab a glass of water when the phone starts to ring. it’s him, you know it — but with the upset stirring in your tummy and heart, you just didn’t feel like picking up. you were hurt, selfishly maybe, but you couldn’t help it. the tone beeps, and his voice sounds. you warm up instantly, just the effect he had on you but you stay strong, folding your arms over you protectively as he talks.

“baby? look, please pick up. i am so, so sorry i missed our date. i mean i— i ran there as soon as i could when i finished up with… well, i’m sure you’d seen it on the news by now.” he rambles, clearly not wanting to brag in your face about the save. he was humble like that — and really, he tried his hardest not to use it as an excuse most times. he waits a beat, and when you don’t pick up, the continues talking. “you’re really not gonna pick up the phone? how can i make it up to you, huh? i’ll do whatever it is you want me to do. within reason. if you’re gonna ask me for a million dollars i’m afraid i’m a little short.”

you bite your lip to stop yourself from smiling. you hated that he could do this — make you smile even when you’re hurt or mad at him. or both. the joyous near-giggle is replaced by a sigh at your own slight defeat. as if he can hear this, clark continues.

“okay, not funny. noted. come on sweet girl, i’m not above begging, i will beg for your forgiveness… though, on the subject of begging…” you’re unsure of what he’s cooking up, but you hear the playful smile in his voice. “you got me thinking… about last night.” you can almost see the slight dusting of red across his cheeks at the memory. it seems as though he’s shuffled closer to the phone, lowering his tone. “the way you were begging to take me… you just sounded so… pretty. gosh, i was thinking about it all day. the way you looked up at me with those big… beautiful eyes… the way you could barely keep them open when i pushed inside you. getting me hot just thinking about it.”

your stomach flips at the memory, a quick flash of you on your back with your ankles resting on broad shoulders, whining at the stretch. “i want to take care of you like that again. tonight. i’d like to rub your clit for you until you’re shutting your legs around my hand like you usually do, and when you’re wet enough, well then i’ll push all the way inside of you if you’d let me. make that bulge in your tummy like last time. you’re so little but you take it so well.” he hums, really into it now.

the only reason you hadn’t dived for the phone was because your legs were giving out and you’d wobbled to the couch, just to see if he’d say anything else. you were enjoying this plead for you a little too much.

“i just have this feeling that you’re listening. would be pretty embarrassing if i’d just dirty talked a completely empty living room. actually, it would be worse if i’ve got it all wrong and your parents are home tonight. uh, yeah — i really hope —”

“clark.” you pick up the phone, breathy and almost exasperated at his ramblings. you hear his sigh of relief.

“thank god.”

“i do have the house… and i am home alone.” you offer meekly, almost disappointed in yourself. clark perks up, restlessly moving the phone to his other ear.

“yeah? well i should come round. i’m gonna come round. can you wait five minutes? i’ll be so fast.”

“yes clark, come round.” you smile, twirling the phone line feeling the heat spread through you all the way to your crotch at the thought of him making it up to you.

“great. and baby, i really am sorry.”

you smile. he really was just such a good guy. “i know clark. now hurry over.”

[leaderwonim]

I HATE (LOVE) YOU.

part one | part two | part four

pairing. situationship!nishimura riki x fem!reader

summary. nishimura riki despised love, so why the hell was his heart beating so fast around you?

If anyone were to ask Nishimura Riki what he thought of love, he’d say it was pointless and quite frankly — a joke.

Nishimura Riki did not believe in love. He didn’t believe in going on multiple silly little dates just to maybe, maybe ask out the person for them to maybe say yes.

He hated the concept of dating. He hated the concept of love.

“What’re you thinking about?” Sim Jaeyun, one of Riki’s closest and really only friend, swung his arms over the much taller boy. “How to take over the world and rule with an iron fist?”

Riki scoffs at that, flicking Jaeyun in the head. “No. But if I were to take over the world, I’d kill you first.”

Jaeyun pretends he’s offended by bringing a hand over his chest, leaning forward to make it more believable that Riki’s words truly hurt his heart.

“How could you say that? I’m your only friend!”

You watch from the distance, watching Riki’s eyes crinkle from both annoyance and amusement, watching as his hands come to each side of Jaeyun’s body, tickling the older boy with no mercy.

It’s in moments like this that you realize Nishimura Riki is just a teenage boy, and that maybe a teenage boy wasn’t the love of your life after all.

“What are you thinking about?” It was Asakura Jo’s voice that snapped you out of your thought. “Math equations, I hope. Your SATs are soon.”

“Shut up.” You shriek, swatting Jo’s face away from yours.

“I’ll never see what you see in him,” he snickers. “But young love, right?”

“Jo, you are one year older than us. One.” You roll your eyes.

“That’s one more year of love experience than you have.” Jo shrugs his shoulders. “Whatever though, your boyfriend looks mad, I’m gonna go.”

Before you can deny that Riki was your boyfriend, Jo’s already leaving, engaged in a new conversation with Kyomi.

“What was that?” A glaring Nishimura Riki already makes you feel annoyed. He could be an asshole when he was in a mood.

“I was talking to Jo. You know, my SAT tutor.”

“Yeah yeah,” Riki waves your words off. “I still don’t know why your mom hired him. I’m so much better.”

“Riki, I love you but you’re terrible at math and English.” You say.

“Oh, you love me?” He teases you by softly nudging you with his side. “L/N Y/N loves me.”

“Yah Nishimura, I will kill you.”

He scoffs, pretending to surrender. “I’m sorry, forgive me your highness.”

You roll your eyes at his sarcasm, linking your arms with his as you two make way to the vending machines.

“You gotta stop doing that.” Riki says, although his tone doesn’t sound like he’s serious at all. “People might think we’re dating if you link arms with me.”

“Oh really?” You put in a few coins, pressing number 36, which was a snickers ice cream bar. “Yah Riki! Give that back!”

It’s too late though — Riki’s already taken a bite out of your ice cream, almost choking on it when you smack his shoulder.

“Okay sorry!” He laughs, a noise that you’ve grown to love despite your love and hate relationship towards the Japanese boy. “Here, I only took a small bite.”

Your eyes widen when he shoves the bar towards your mouth, waiting for you to open so he could feed you.

“This is gross.” Jaeyun, Kiyomi, and Jo all watch from a distance, shaking their heads at one another. “Not a couple my ass.”

As soon as Riki and you are done with school for the day, his instincts instantly go for your school bag, swinging it over his shoulder despite how heavy it was.

“Yah,” he says, fingers coming down to mess with your ponytail. “This bag is so heavy, no wonder you’re so short.”

Your cheeks puff out and you make a halt, which almost has Nishimura Riki tumbling over you since he hovered above you.

“You’re crazy!” You say, pushing him backwards. “I don’t know how your sisters deal with you everyday.”

“They love me.” He defends himself.

He drops you off at your house, bidding a quick goodbye to your grandmother before dashing back to his house.

“Geez, did you run a marathon or something?” Riki’s older sister says, giving a look of disgust towards her brother.

“No.” He places one of his hands against his chest, eyes widening when he realizes how much his heart is beating. “I don’t like it.”

“You don’t like what?” His sister is super annoyed now, feet tapping against the floor tiles.

“This feeling.” Riki’s mouth goes dry, and his first thought is that he needs water. He really really needs water.

His long legs march themselves to the kitchen, flimsy arms clumsily reaching for a cup.

“Seriously, you’re acting weirder than usual.” His sister says from the living room.

“Mind your own business!”

Nishimura Riki was screwed. He was sure of it. Although he swore that he’d never get serious with you, he feels the butterflies in his stomach and his heart beating irregularly. He’s so screwed.

He thought that pushing you away the week before would be a good idea. When you had asked the stupid question of were you and Riki soulmates in another universe, he felt speechless.

He didn’t believe in soulmates, much less another universe.

No. He had replied with. We aren’t even soulmates in this one.

He knew he was an asshole, and it was an asshole move on his part. But he couldn’t help it, there was no way Nishimura Riki would let love tie him down. There was no way. He simply refused.

“I hate her.” Riki grumbles the next morning as he’s eating breakfast with Jaeyun.

“You hate Y/N?” Jaeyun tries to stop himself from laughing — because it’s ridiculous, really. He knew his best friend by heart, if anything, Riki was inlove with you.

“I hate Y/N, I hate the way she laughs, I hate the way I can easily tower over her, I hated her stupid haircut from last month. I hate her.”

Jaeyun thinks it’s pathetic that Riki is trying so hard to convince himself it’s not love he’s feeling, but hate. Clearly the Japanese boy had issues.

“I heard Jo’s gonna ask her out.” Jaeyun’s mouth moves quicker than he can stop it.

“What?”

Before Jaeyun could say anything else, Riki’s already leaving in a panic, his priority was finding you.

“Hey!” He yells as he spots your figure heading into the school. He grabs you by your arms effortlessly, your surprised yelp only adding to the list of what Riki claims he “hates”.

“Is it true?”

“What is?” You say exasperated, arms crossed over your chest. “Why do you always ask me the broadest questions Nishimura?”

“Is Jo gonna ask you out?”

You automatically choke on your spit, not expecting such a ridiculous question. “What?!”

You let out a giggle, which doesn’t help Riki who’s already flushing with red.

“No! What the hell!” You say, looking directly into the boy’s eyes. “He’s my tutor for God sakes! I’ve told you like a billion times.”

“Oh.” Riki bites the inside of his cheek, now aware that Jaeyun had lied straight from his mouth.

“Why?” You get closer to Riki, your head almost bumping into his chest. “It wouldn’t be a problem if he asked me, would it?”

“It would!” Riki clasps his hands over his mouth, already realizing he’s said too much.

You smirk at his unsuccessful attempt to try and conceal his emotions because despite the nonchalant persona Nishimura Riki so desperately tries to keep up, you can see right through it.

“Oh would it?” You tease. “Why?”

“Because..” Riki pauses, biting his lip as he tries to think of what to say. “Because I don’t want you to go out with him.”

“I think Jo and I make a great couple, don’t you?”

Riki rolls his eyes, both hands coming down to grip your shoulders. “No.”

“Why not?”

You keep pushing the boy because you know sooner or later he’ll break. He wasn’t very good at containing his obvious jealously.

“Because you’ll look better with me!”

Ah, there it was. Nishimura Riki has finally broke.

“Hmm,” you say, lips curving into a teasing smile as you watch Riki’s face turn bright red in embarrassment. “Don’t worry Nishimura, it’s you I like, not him.”

Riki doesn’t let you say anything else before he connects his lips with yours. He ignores the blaring alarms in his head telling him that it was stupid to fall inlove, because he had already fallen too deeply with you.

[propheticbride]

Lamb to Slaughter I

𐙚 Following Aegon's crowning of King, you attempt to settle into your new reality, with absolutely idea of what is happening around you. Your only company? The one eyed Prince himself.

𐙚 Aemond Targaryen x Reader (tw: manipulation, slight non-con, incest)

The nights following Aegon’s coronation were chaotic, whisperings of Rhaenyra’s claim lay about plainly as others argued the whore was not the rightful heir after all. Doors remained closed tight, no one talked too loud, servants kept to themselves. War was brewing, that was for certain.

You remembered the night your father died, your mother had snuck into your room and had gently woke you up. Cradled you as she gave you the news, you being the only Viserys doted on after Rhaenyra. And in some sick way, Alicent was sure you were her favorite too.

At first you did not comprehend how he was dead. He was not in good health, but to die so suddenly had left you confused.

‘My sweetling, he was not well. You saw. So weak, so poor in health.’ she spoke as she pet your hair.

Tears caked your face, hair matted to your skin, ‘I just don't understand.’

She sighed, ‘My poor girl.’

When Alicent had left that night, you had felt a void inside. Heartbroken and scared at the news. You found yourself in a familiar place, slipping out of your own chambers and into Aemonds. You wouldn't bother Aegon at that hour, him too drunk to even wake or want to comfort you. So instead you slipped into your more understanding brother’s space, the one who gently held you when you were scared and kissed you so gently.

But now, everyone's attention had been guided to Rhaenyra and her war. Everyone in the keep insisting she would come with fire and blood. And where you would seek Aegon’s affections, it would now be shunned upon. He was married after all, with two children and now king. He could no longer lie in bed and keep you entertained with his flea bottom stories.

✮⋆˙

“He's too busy now brother, too busy for me.” you complain, stitching at Aemond’s ripped attire. “He drinks a lot, I know this. But never stops by my chambers anymore. He must be so occupied with being king.”

Aemond doesn't reply, just makes an agreeing sound as his one eye watches you sew.

“How is Helaena? I know you two spend time together, she will not speak to me either. I wish she would, I get so lonely.”

“I talk to you.” Aemond reminds you.

You nod, giving him a gentle smile, “You’re always so good to me brother.”

His hand finds your arm, gently rubbing you to calm you.

“No one tells me anything. It’s…” tears form in your eyes.

“My love…”

“No!” you slam his arm away, getting up and begin to pace. “You are not to call me that! You are gone for days, on that beast you claim to be a dragon. Mother will not come visit me, Aegon has completely shunned me. Cole will not look at me and my dear sister will not speak to me. I am going insane in my room. Please. Please, what is happening?”

Aemond studies you for a moment, as if he were examining your outburst.

“I’ve never known you to yell. At all people, me.” he finally speaks.

It hurts you. The pain that settles in your chest after his words are enough to make you sick.

“I did not mean-” you return to him, placing your hand on his shoulder. “Please forgive me. I cannot stand if you are mad at me. I am losing my sanity. I'm so lonely.”

“Am I not enough to keep you happy?” he questions.

“I miss our mother, and our brother.” you admit. “When father was alive I wasn't so…lonely.”

“Because he kept you company.”

“I just want Aegon to visit again. Or mother. Or even Haelena. Please just ask them. Ser Kavvin does not let me leave ever. It’s like I am a prisoner.” it’s almost as if you were praying to the gods. Gentle and begging. Please please please.

Aemond is silent again, until he rises and kisses your head, “I’ll tell mother and brother to visit you my sweetling, it must be so awful for you to be cooped up in here, I am sorry Vhagar has my interests as of late. My priority has always been you.”

You beam at his words, the remembrance of your outburst a memory it seemed. Although the court was terrified of Aemond, you were not. Perhaps some of you was, but he was gentle and sweet to you, you almost had no reason to be scared. He took care of you, bringing you jewelry and new gowns, dining with you in place of your mother. He was the only human interaction you had gotten as of late, everyone else so preoccupied with Aegon.

“Is it?” you ask. Out of place, and you know it, but you cannot help yourself.

“I always thought we’d marry. Aegon had Haelena, but who has you, but me.” Aemond begins to cup your face. “I enjoy our time together, but there are matters I must attend to this afternoon. But don't worry, I will have mother or Aegon visit you.”

You struggle to understand his words, “What do you mean. Have me?”

He smiles and shakes his head, giving you a kiss on the lips before finding himself out of your chamber.

✮⋆˙

If anything Aemond does well, it's keep a promise. As he said, Alicent finds herself in your chambers a little after nightfall. She had maids run you a hot bath, your white hair gently slipping through her fingers as she brushed it.

“Why haven't you visited me?” you finally ask after too much silence.

“Aegon is being prepared to finally rule, I have been attending to it.” she says. “I am sorry, I haven't seen to you. I do feel bad.”

“Why must I be confined to my chambers.” you turn to her, violet eyes looking up at her.

“I do not trust…” she tries to collect her thoughts, not sure how to word it for you to understand best. “Aegon thinks it’s best if you are under protection. He thinks you might be a target for Rhaenyra’s anger.”

“Rhaenyra.” you say your sister’s name. “Rhaenyra is upset that father replaced her as heir?”

“Yes my sweet. She is upset that your father changed his mind about the succession. He decided he wanted Aegon on the throne after all.”

“I miss him.” you say after a while. “He was very sick…but he kept me company.”

“I am sorry, I am. I know it is no excuse but you must forgive and understand how daunting this has all been. So much has been done and needs to be done, the realm may be at war soon-”

“At war?” you interject, worry in your tone. “War? Why war?”

Alicent catches herself, she has slipped.

‘Do not mention the mess with Rhaenyra to her, I would not have her worry’ Aegon’s voice played in her head.

“No war my sweet, I only forget myself. I am sure Aegon will come to peace with Rhaenyra, and maybe she will even be seen back in the keep. You’d like that, right? I know you were fond of her son, Jacerys, I know you two were close.” Alicent goes back to braiding your hair, scared her words have put unrest in you. You did scare rather too easy.

“I don't want anyone at war.” you murmur.

“No war.” Alicent nods. “Aegon will be a good king, and make peace. I know it.”

✮⋆˙

If you were honest, you were close to Jacerys, spending time in the garden together and studying. Rhaenyra had taken a liking to you, mostly due to your shared father also taking a liking to you. You were not close with Lucerys, you did not know him well. You did not spend time with him nor were you very thoughtful towards him. No time truly spent between you.

So news of his death broke the in the red keep, you found yourself indifferent. No tears were shed, but your heart hurt for Jacerys.

Aemond had returned from dragon back, Aegon so delighted of his brother's victory, the murder of a child, that a feast was thrown. You were allowed in your finest green silk and finally allowed out of your chambers, where you sat among several counsel members and your family along with some court attendees. Aemond had been silent for most of the feast, ignoring the praise he had received, most of them insults for Rhaenyra. You watched him closely, hoping, begging he would make eye contact with you. But he did not.

For hours it went on like this, Aemond slowly sipping and eating at the feast presented in front of him, not truly present at the party that was all for him and his victory.

Aegon, ever drunk, was quite present. Too present.

“My sweet sister!” his voice calls, and you turn to him. “Where have you been hiding?”

“My chambers, on your ruling.” you murmur.

“My ruling? Why would I ever…” he hiccups and slams himself down in the chair beside you. “I have missed you soooo much. Your absence has been noted, why do you scorn me so?”

His words don't make sense to you. Your mother’s words and now his, dancing in your head. You hadn't noticed, not truly noticed, until you briefly look at him, that Aemond is staring at you. For the first time in the entire night, he simply stares. But his gaze is far from comforting.

“I’ve been in my chamber, lonely.” you admit, looking back at Aegon.

“Well…I have missed you my girl, so much. It's so lonely…” he whispers the next part, “my bed… has been rather lonely.”

Aemond stands, everyone quickly glancing at him. He excuses himself from the table, with Aegon’s hand on you all you truly can do is watch.

“He’s upset” you mention.

“Ah yes. He’s been so moody since that business with the dragons. Don't know why though. They're all traitors. I’ll have all of their heads.” Aegon smells like alcohol, a smell you’re familiar with but still sensitive to.

“Aegon!” your mother’s voice rings. “I do wish you would not speak of such things with her, you know better.”

Alicent attempts to pull Aegon up from beside you, but he is quick to shove her away. You stand, shocked at the whole ordeal.

“I think I will head to bed.” you insist.

“I think that would be best, sweetling.” Alicent nods.

When you enter your chambers, you don't notice Aemond at first. He's facing the bookshelf, one your late father filled with stories of old and history. The one thing you both bonded over.

When you do notice him, it’s when you're half naked, pulling your sleeping slip on.

“Your skin is always so beautiful.” his voice startles you.

“Aemond!” you jump, clinging to your fur blanket, attempting to cover yourself.

“I've seen you already, have you forgotten me already?” you're not sure if he's as drunk as your other brother was, but his voice is calm and almost soothing.

“You should be in bed, the hour is late and I know you are upset.” you try to reason with him, knowing that when he is upset he is easiest to get to.

“But you always grant me so much comfort.” Aemond steps towards you, allowing his hand to cup your face, thumb lining your lips. “Do you remember the night I lost my eye. I was in so much pain. And you found me, alerted the guards to me. And that night, before we left, you let me in your bed for the first time. And we laid there together in peace.”

You watch his face as he talks, there's always been a certain amount of devotion you showed Aemond. That night you had found your cousins and him, screaming at the top of your lungs that alerted the guards to the situation. And he was not wrong. That night Aemond had been restless, in pain over his lost eye. Where your mother usually slept beside you, she had taken a leave of absence from your bed that night, allowing Aemond to replace her.

“You were always so sweet to me, where they laughed, you had always welcomed me. For dolls, for tea…for anything. So gentle. So kind.” Aemond sounds breathless, like he was praying.

“Aemond-”

“Shhhhh.” he licks your closed lips, causing you to gasp.

Aemond was always strict with the affection he gave you; always keeping his hands to himself, always to be careful that your mother did not catch a glimpse of how hungrily he would stare at you. But never this brazen. You did not know what to make of it.

“Please.” you beg. “We can't-”

“Can't what. You have no husband, and I have no wife. This is right. We were born to be together.” Aemond presses his forehead towards you. “Ever since that night I lost my eye, and you welcomed me so warmly into your bed I have wanted you since. Why won't you let me take you?”

“We can't…Aegon…he-”

Aemond’s face twists in anger, “Don't mention him! Do not speak of him!”

The outburst scares you, taking a step back and clutching your fur tighter.

“Drop it.” his face changes, as does his voice. His entire demeanor shifts. He unclips his cloak from his armor, letting the fabric fall to your chamber floor. “I said…drop it”

You drop the fur immediately, standing there almost bare for him. He looks over body, with a hungry gaze and a curious eye. Your slip was a thin silk, something your mother would die if she ever found you dressed in. But the sun had been hot as of late, and her nightgowns were too heavy. The several slips had been a gift of Aemond, now you had known why.

“I have waited years for you. Years for you to come to your senses of what I am to you. What you are to me. I am sick of waiting my sweet, I need you now. And I will have you now.” Aemond’s hands gently pull your slip down, allowing your naked body to be in full view for him. “You’re mine. You always have been. I just need to prove it to you."

[tritoch]

Have you got any thoughts to share about Sphene? I saw your post about how misrepresented FFXIV’s female characters are, and I’ve been hoping to see anything more than the typical “Evil AI colonizer etc.” or “Tragic woman who can never change ever” or “Wuk Lamat’s girlfriend”. Maybe our interpretations will differ but I’ll be happy if you can provide anything more complex than those.

Sure! Throwing all this under a read-more for anyone who hasn't finished 7.0 yet. I think I'll probably expand on this more later but wanted to get initial thoughts down. (Note after writing: I meant this to be brief but uhhhh brevity is not my strong suit sorry. This take just sort of ends abruptly because I realize I'm rambling.) Again, spoilers through the end of 7.0 MSQ.

I think Sphene is the sharpest work the game has done yet in casting the antagonist as the noble double of the protagonist (a well it returns to a lot with Emet, and Zenos, and Golbez, and...). But because the protagonist here is Wuk Lamat and not the Warrior of Light, that's also a much more defined and interesting role. To me, Wuk Lamat is, above all, the Righteous Queen, who rules thoughtfully, wisely, and justly, and whose claim to the throne is justified by her moral clarity. Sphene, in turn, is also a wise and good queen, one who undertakes all her actions with her people first in her hearts, a sense of compassion towards all, and a clear eye for the consequences and costs of her intended course of action. And it leads to utter disaster, for her, her people, and the people of Tural. That rocks!

The first half of 7.0 is about justifying the fact that Wuk Lamat's going to be Dawnservant. Wuk Lamat is compassionate, curious, wise, and open-minded. She wins over rebels and malcontents not by asserting her authority or by strength of force, but by taking her obligations to them (as her subjects) seriously. She knows many of her subjects personally and takes a great interest in their lives, and she respects even those who openly oppose her.

And everything Wuk Lamat does, Sphene does to 11. Wuk Lamat respects her subject peoples and is curious about their cultures? Sphene forcibly annexes Yyasulani, but goes out of her way and expends Alexandria's limited resources to enable the remaining Xak Turali to live in their accustomed way if desired (…to the extent allowed by the new permanent lightning storms and the internal conflicts caused by regulator adoption). Wuk Lamat cares about her people not just in the abstract but as individuals? Sphene visits sick kids, knows them by name! Wuk Lamat understands the burden of rulership is too great and cedes half her power to her brother? Sphene recognizes her own weaknesses and makes a deal with the devil to keep Alexandria's culture alive! Wuk Lamat is willing to die for her people? Sphene will forcibly traumatize herself into being a better queen, if that's what rulership demands.

For an expansion that spends the first half being like "wow isn't this perfect candidate for the crown so likable and humble? wouldn't it be nice to be ruled by a good king?," it sure is funny that the final boss is THE QUEEN ETERNAL and she hits you with attacks like LEGITIMATE FORCE and ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY and ROYAL DOMAIN. This, to me, is Sphene's role: she complicates and questions the themes we've developed in the first half. Most importantly to me, she makes us ask: what is devotion to a people or culture even worth?

There's a thing I kept thinking of constantly during Dawntrail, not because I think it directly influenced the game in any way but because the parallels were so stark and startling. It's Jonathan Hickman's New Avengers #18 (2014). Truthfully, I'm not a big comics guy; I only know this sequence because Ta-Nehisi Coates cited it as inspiration for his Black Panther run on Twitter once (I also didn't read TNC's run, I was following him for politics talk). Forgive me, comics people, if I get any details wrong. The parallels are almost comical, though. It goes like this:

A superhuman secret society formed of some of the smartest heroes (and villains) in the land re-forms to oppose an existential threat caused by incursions from other dimensions that threaten to cause literal collisions between Earth and its alternate dimension counterparts. Seeing no other alternatives, they undertake work on a weapon to destroy these other worlds. T'challa—king of a fictional hyperadvanced nation called Wakanda, and also the superhuman Black Panther—meets with his ghostly predecessors, the previous Black Panthers/kings, for he fears the moral stain on his soul and the souls of the people of Wakanda, if they survive explicitly by killing their alternate counterparts, will be too heavy to bear. His ancestors are not impressed.

To them, there is no question at all. A king's duty may be complex in the execution, but it is simple in its conception. Your people come before all others. Always. This is, must be, the fundamental ethic of a good king. To do otherwise would be a betrayal of the social order on which this imagined good monarchy is built. In a situation like this, the only option is to do what you must to protect them. "Will there be a cost? Yes. Might the universe burn? Let it. . . . You will kill them all if it means Wakanda stands. The golden city must never fall."

"I will do what I must" is Sphene's guiding principle. It is so important to her that when she recognizes that her sentimental attachments are making her waver in her duty, she severs them entirely, sacrificing her whole identity to the throne. It is also implicitly Wuk Lamat's position: she has no choice but to fight Sphene because to do otherwise would be to fail to protect her people. In fact, it's briefly even sort of the Warrior of Light's position, as when you tell Sphene before her trial that you understand what you must do, which is shut her down to protect others.

(One quick thought about the Warrior of Light: one cool thing about the antagonist this time being a double in a more exact way than Emet or Zenos is that it means other characters get a chance to relate to her differently than Wuk Lamat. The Warrior of Light, for example, is pressed into her service immediately upon your first meeting as the Queen's Champion, there to defend her if need be against all evil. This role is further affirmed by both robot Otis and Endless Otis, who essentially hand off their role as her knight to you, and reinforced when you flash back to the "might I call upon your aid" moment right before the end. Except, of course, you are loyal not just to her, but to the principles she represents, which her own acts betray, and so your ultimate act of aid is to essentially pass judgment on her and execute her. In a sense, you become the internal safeguard that a political system is supposed to have to protect against this very issue, and which Alexandria explicitly lost when it cast out/forgot Otis. Very Voeburt/ShB tank quests, it owns.)

But really, it's Sphene who embodies this sort of grim logic best. Aside from her transformation into the Queen Eternal, it's also why she suggests you simply become Alexandrians. It's the only way for her to reconcile her values and worldview, which have backed her into a corner where preserving Alexandria has come to mean a maximalist declaration of war on all life outside its borders because the kind of absolutely pain-free life she envisions for her citizens is completely unsustainable.

In this reading, one of Sphene's main beats is to unsettle what has preceded her in MSQ. In nearly all respects, she shares your values. She prizes life, is curious about other cultures, believes in the greatest good for the greatest possible number. But she is also a queen, and therefore irrevocably (in her eyes) tied to her state. Gulool Ja Ja and Wuk Lamat (and Koana) are the mythical wise rulers, thank god--but what if Wuk had inherited a Turali state that wasn't desperately in need of cross-cultural understanding, but one in a state of war? What value would her deep love for the people of Tural have held then? Sphene says, it would have held no value. If the survival of your people means harming the innocent, you harm the innocent. Kingship allows for no alternatives.

But she also concedes, in the very next breath, that she is still kind of wrong. Because what happened here was not inevitable, despite her programming (a brief note: to me Sphene being programmed is exactly the same as Emet being maybe-tempered, it's a fantasy gloss on the idea of social and cultural education. "I was programmed for this" is really no different from "I was trained and educated for this"), because the truth is that this kind of thoughtful, principled devotion to the state and its people is also a form of sentimental attachment, in the end. One that is maintained not because it is natural, and necessary, but because the monarch, too, likes it, and gets something from it.

In so many ways, in so many senses, the monarch is the state. Kings and queens may fancy themselves merely a reflection of their people's needs and desires, but of course even a cursory glance at history will tell you that far more often, states reflect their rulers. Sphene and Wuk Lamat both suggest that their conflict was inevitable, but was it? Or is the truth, as Sphene glancingly acknowledges here, that she turned her own fears and desires into the same policy goals that led to this tragedy? And if so...what does that say of our Good Queen, Wuk Lamat? Perhaps this could be different if they met earlier, says Wuk Lamat. But when? When did Wuk Lamat ever not love her people so dearly that she would not have sacrificed herself for them, or caused mass death for the sake of their survival? When did Sphene not believe the Endless to be people, or the preservation of Alexandria to be the most important thing? Maybe she means "had we met before you met Zoraal Ja," but of course, we the player actually saw their meeting. And we know that Sphene even then was not the hapless naif she'd like to pretend. She always knew exactly what she was doing.

We know the price of this kind of thinking, this Hobbesian view that states are engaged in a struggle of all against all. Living Memory lets you walk through it. To preserve Tural, we exterminate the Endless. We befriend them, learn about their lives, promise to remember them, and then we destroy them and their homes, leaving nothing but a bleak blank landscape and the sound of wind. This is what Sphene would have done to Tural and Eorzea. Indeed, it's what she's already doing to the people of Yyasulani, because no amount of well-intentioned aid can make up for trapping people under the dome for 30 years and systematically eroding their culture through the resonators.

To me, this is what makes Sphene really work, that way she has of forcing Wuk Lamat and the player to commit the same kinds of sins she has. We'd like to think ourselves better than her, but of course, we've already reconciled with and integrated Mamook's brutal eugenicist regime back into Turali society well before we ever met Sphene. At the end of our long "wow isn't having a wise queen cool???" expansion, we are met with "Legitimate Force" and "Absolute Authority" and see them for what they truly are: nothing but tools of violence. No longer does the idea of the Warrior of Light hanging around Tural as Wuk Lamat's advisor have the same attraction, now that we have been reminded of the way the putatively unquestionable logic of kingship can ultimately lock even the wisest and kindest rulers into a path of war and exploitation and destruction.

I think Sphene is FFXIV's most interesting and nuanced depiction yet of a leader. She really, truly, wants nothing more than to save her people and protect them from pain. But even seemingly loving and compassionate goals like these can readily lead us down dark paths. She's a "hard men make hard choices"-type character, a noble but misguided opponent, but as a loving and elegant fairy queen instead of a grizzled knight or extremely sad man. She fucking rocks.

[judesdrabbles]

The Cure (part 1)

Hello everyone, this will be the first part in my series ‘The Cure’, featuring my oc Vincent. This fic is quite slow, since I want everything to go quite gradually. I hope you guys enjoy. <3

yan!psychiatrist x reader

PART 2 / PART 3 / PART 4

word count: 1K

warnings: reader is afab, obsessive tendencies, reader has anxiety, Vincent is extremely apathetic here

Pens were portrayed in a neat line on his desk, next to his patients files and some square glasses. They were clean. Polished. Just how he liked it.

People always find things to obsess over. It’s only natural. Otherwise, you’ll get bored. Silly teenage girls and their crushes on fictional characters. The insecure male finding validation in the stock market. The lonely, middle aged woman and her fascination with her neighbor. The old man and his collection of train models. Obsession was the thread that tied humanity together.

Vincent understood this better than most. If obsession were an art, he would be its most devoted patron.

There was never a quick spark of interest for him. There had never been a ‘phase’ of anything. Because if he was interested in something, he would become consumed by it. Wanted to know everything about it until it’s laid bare, plucked dry of everything it once contained. He wanted to know, to understand.

Nothing is casual for Vincent.

That said, not much interested him either.

-

‘Um.. sir?’

The man, who is supposed to be your new psychiatrist, seemed to jump up from his thoughts and glances over at you. You were standing hesitatingly in the doorway.

‘I’m sorry, but patients are supposed to be waiting in the waiting room.’ The man says curtly. His dark eyes seemed to flash in annoyance.

‘Oh- Yeah, I know.’ You say, laughing nervously. ‘But I had an appointment at five, you see? It’s already thirty minutes past..’ You stay quiet for a bit. ‘And, uh, your door was open..’

The man looks over at a watch on his wrist. She was right. It was already 5.30. How could he be so careless? He gently takes the glasses from his desk and puts them onto his nose. He clears his throat and walks over to you.

‘Forgive me, Miss..?’

‘Y/N.’ You answer, pressing your lips together. ‘I hope those 30 minutes don’t get charged.’

He shakes your hand and a small smile forms on his lips. It was a cold smile. It didn’t reach his eyes. ‘Dr. Vincent, pleasure. And no, of course not, I’ll make sure of it.’ He gestures to a seat on the opposite side of his desk. ‘You can sit there, if you’d like. Or you can sit on the couch, if you’re more comfortable there.’

The office of Dr. Vincent was .. lavish. Only one glance and you could see that this guy had some money, were it to be for either the polished leather chairs, the hard wooden floors or the tall book shelves that covered the walls. And everything was neat. Almost too neat. It made you feel bad for coming in here with your normal sneakers and clothes instead of dressed up in a formal dress and heels. Especially since the psychiatrist himself seemed to dress impeccably, too.

‘I’ll sit on the chair, thanks.’ You say as you sit down. ‘It’s a nice office you have here.’

Dr. Vincent rubbed his hand on his suit, as if he just touched something dirty, and sat down opposite of you. ‘Thank you, Y/N.’ He answered. ‘Now.. it was a few days ago that I got your file in. I understand that you were referred to me since your old psychiatrist retired, hm?’

You nod. She had been such a sweetheart. You almost wanted to quit therapy all together when you heard she would retire. But she got a replacement. A new psychiatrist, moved from another town.

‘Yeah. We don’t have a lot of therapists or psychiatrists here, so I was genuinely shocked when they said there was a replacement.’

Dr. Vincent chuckles. He had his hand neatly folded in his lap, all the while looking at you. There was a slight flush on your cheeks. Nervousness? You didn’t seem nervous. Or were you good at hiding it?

‘Tell me what you worked trough with your previous therapist, Y/N.’

Dr. Vincent’s stiffness made you a little uncomfortable, and he seemed to notice that. He smiled reassuringly, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes again. Was he bored?

‘We worked trough my anxiety.’ You say, looking past him since his dark eyes seemed to pierce trough you. ‘Social.. situations and stuff. How I can handle it.’

Dr. Vincents eyes seemed to light up with newfound interest. ‘Right. Did you feel like you made progress?’

‘I mean, I am here, talking to you, a stranger. That’s something; right?’

He nodded, though his thoughts began to stray. He didn’t get many patients in his old city. And the ones that did come, were boring. They were like the wallpaper in his office. Unremarkable- fading into the background of his mind.

Again, nothing really interested him. Not the common patient that came in with relationship problems. Not the grieving mother. No, he didn’t worry one hair on his head about it. The pens on his desk interested him more.

‘Seemed like you made some good progress, then. I hope I can become more for you than just a stranger, though. Otherwise these sessions might prove challenging.’ He says.

You chuckle softly. ‘Time will tell. Need to decide if I like you or not.’

Dr. Vincent’s eyebrow raises. A sudden spark in his eyes appeared, again.

There was something about you.

Something that intrigued him.

‘I’m sorry, it was a joke.’ You say awkwardly when he doesn’t respond. He just chuckles.

‘I’m not offended, don’t worry.’ He remarks, his voice low and measured. ‘In fact, I value honesty. So, please, tell me more, Y/N..’

[thewritetofreespeech]

Delicos nursery!?! Fic requests!?! Please please~~

Dino classic marries a plus size woman who at first seems cold but is a total sweetheart and just doesn't understand why people are afraid of her husband? She adores her step son like her own and even call him teddy for short? I love the sunshine x grumpy trope!

There were many things Dino liked about being an aristocrat. Power. The prestige. Being apart of the inner circle of their society.

The one thing he hated about being an aristocrat was the parties.

But, if you wanted to be apart of the inner circle, and get the power & prestige, there were a certain number of social events that were an unspoken mandatory for a man of his station. Particularly one with a new wife, whom he was obligated to introduce to society as such. What a bore.

Luckily, his new wife was much more adept at these kind of things than him. Bright and bubbly, with a family almost grievously overconnected, his new wife took to the party like a fish to water. Talking to everyone and making efforts to re-introduce herself to old friends & new as the current Lady Classico.

Dino entertained himself back in a corner. A position he had grown comfortable with since he was a young man forced onto these parties; until his mother made him come out and talk to people, as he was never going to get married rooted to the ground like a wallflower. He just liked to watch more than participate. He felt it was easier to gauge the situation, gather intel, from the sidelines than in the fray. Plus people being near him always seemed to make his skin crawl.

A while later he noticed his wife coming over to him. A noticeable, deep pout on her lips. One he had never seen; save for the pretend ones she threw at him when she wanted to get her way. This one seemed real though. “What’s the matter?”

“These people are rude.”

This shocked Dino. As he had also never heard his wife speak ill of anyone either. She always seemed to find the good in others. Found the good in him. “How so?”

“They make underhanded comments about you and seem to think I’m too stupid to understand them.” Dino frowned at that. His wife was not stupid. They could say what they wanted about him, some of it probably true, but they would not speak ill of his wife. “Would you…be terribly disappointed if we go? I do not want to make a bad impression, but I also do not think I can screw on a smile much longer?”

Disappointed? Dino thought. He’d jump up an’ click his heels, if only his back would ever forgive him. “Of course. I’ll have our coats and coach sent for.” His wife smiled. Seeming to want to kiss him in her enthusiasm, but remembering they were in public.

Dino instead took her hand in his and kissed her glove where his ring would be. “Could we also take some cakes home for Teddy?” She had taken to calling Theodore that. At first he tried to talk her out of it, but she commented that he was just so cute. Theodore didn’t seem to mind (in fact he seemed to enjoy it judging by his blush) so Dino let it go. “I know you don’t like him to have many sweets but…once in a while can’t hurt. They’ll just throw them away at the end of the night anyway.”

He glanced at the elaborate dessert table. Days of work for the host’s staff. Barely touched. All to go to waste as she predicted. “Take two. The two of you can have them after dinner tomorrow night.” His wife grinned and scurried off to the table to collect her sweets while he called for their coach.

When they arrive home it is late, but not too far gone. His staff greet their new lady and she made quick work to greet them back before running upstairs to try and catch Theodore before bed. He was likely up reading late anyway.

Dino stood there in the foyer, watching her go, before he looked down at the parcel of cakes suddenly in his hands. He opened the lid to see what she had picked and smiled. Not surprised to see 3 slices instead of 2. See, his wife was very clever. She seemed to have no end to surprising him.

[yuikomorii]

Ayayui date♡

// I'm not sure why, but I suddenly got a burst of creativity. There's no special occasion for this post; it was really just an excuse to edit Yui in my favorite Princess Collection outfit. I like how the merch line was released right on Ayato’s birthday, so I really wanted to see an Ayayui date in those outfits! 😌💕

I was in the mood to write a special scenario again. You just have to click on ‘Keep reading’ to find it. This one is set after the LE events, particularly after the After Story, so I hope you enjoy it! ( ˶ˆ꒳ˆ˵ )

Ayato: Haa… finally!

After all this time, I’ve managed to sort out every single problem in the Demon World.

Geez, I’m gladly taking a break!

( Ever since I became king, I’ve been buried in an endless pile of documents—so many that I’ve grown sick just being in that place. Things seem to be getting better in the Demon World, though I’d lie to say it’s perfectly stable. )

( Well, whatever. I shouldn’t bother too much about that… for now. )

( Right now, all I can think about is her. Ugh, these stupid king duties have kept us apart for way too long. I’m sure she must’ve felt really lonely, huh…? )

( Damn it! That was never my intention, but I know it must be boring as hell to be stuck in the castle all day by yourself. )

( That’s why, I’m definitely going to make it up to her today and take her somewhere nice~! )

Place: Their room

Ayato: Chi-chi-na-shi, guess who’s ba—

( Hah!? She’s not here? )

Oi, Yui!

( She’s still not answering? )

Yui, where are yo—

???: Ayato-kun..!

— hugs his back —

Ayato: What the—!

Yui: Fufu, sorry for taking you off guard. I was just thrilled to see Ayato-kun again!

Ayato: Geez, next time I call you, answer me, understood? You’re still in the Demon World, anything could happen when no one’s around, y’know?

Yui: Ah… I’m sorry for being careless. I hope I didn’t make you worry…

Ayato: No need to sulk now. What matters the most is that you’re alright.

Now… about the thing you’re wearing. Where the heck did you even get it from? It’s the first time I’ve seen you in it.

Yui: Oh, actually I bought it last time we went shopping together. You see… I didn’t show it to you back then because I wanted it to be a surprise, but uuh… does it not suit me?

Ayato: Haa… normally, when a woman wants to surprise her man, she wears lingerie or something sexy, but I’ll forgive you this time. Why? Because you look hella cute in that, can’t deny.

— Yui blushes —

Yui: Ayato-kun… thank you! I’m really happy…!

Ayato: ( Is she seriously almost on the verge of tears for that? )

C-C’mon, don’t get all emotional over every little thing. The date hasn’t even started yet! You really want people to see you with red eyes and puffy cheeks outside?

— Yui shakes head —

Ayato: Good, now let’s go!

— He takes her hand —

Place: Kaminashi City

Ayato: Can’t believe I’m gonna say this but I somehow missed this place.

Yui: Is that so? I thought Ayato-kun didn’t like the Human World.

Ayato: I don’t mind either of them, but right now I’m sick of the Demon World. If I see one more document, I will end up throwing up on the spot.

Yui: Ayato-kun…

( That’s right, he’s been working a lot ever since he became king. I’m sure it must truly be tiring spending days in front of all those documents. )

I’m glad you put a lot of effort in your role, but take it easy, okay? I can’t do much in this situation, yet… If you ever need help, I want to be there to support you!

Ayato: Hmm… anyway. I’m not here to talk about work again. I just want us to enjoy some time together for once.

Yui: ( Ayato-kun really sounds exhausted… He’s matured so much these past few months, which isn’t bad, but I just wish he could relax a little. )

Then, let’s make the best of this day!

— tugs onto his arm and starts walking —

*Timeskip*

Yui: Haa… it’s way better outside.

( Ayato-kun is still waiting to pay for our things, but it was way too hot in that store, so he told me to get some fresh air. )

( Now that I think about it, vampires are always cold, so I doubt the heat bothers him as much as it does me, right? Even so, seeing him care about my comfort makes me really happy. )

— warm breeze hits —

Yui: Mm… so ni—

— something suddenly hits her —

Yui: Kyah! What on earth was that!?

Eh? That’s—

Familiar: Greetings. Pardon my interruption, but could it be that you are Komori Yui-sama?

Yui: ( ‘Sama’? Uuh… I feel like that’s an exaggeration. )

Yes, I am. Did anything happen…?

Familiar: Rest assured, there is no need for alarm. My purpose here is simply to entrust this to your care. Unable to find Ayato-sama, I must rely on you to deliver him this letter.

— Yui takes it —

Yui: But, what’s this letter about?

If it’s possible to tell, of course.

Familiar: In essence, a new set of documents has been prepared for Ayato-sama. Please inform him at your earliest convenience, as his return is eagerly anticipated.

Yui: Wait! Does it mean that he really has to return now—!

( Oh no! The familiar is already gone! )

( To think that Ayato-kun was finally starting to relax again… )

( All this letter will do is ruin his day, that’s for sure. )

( But at the same time, not showing it to him… that would undoubtedly get him in troubles. )

( Uuh… This situation is so complicated. What should I do…? )

Ayato: Chichinashi!!!

Yui: ….!

— suddenly hides the letter —

A-Ah, Ayato-kun, you’re back!

Ayato: Duh, and I kept calling your name but it seems you only answer to Chi-chi-na-shi~.

— He starts pinching her cheeks —

Yui: Whey dwont, staphh!

Ayato: Hehe, that’s what you get for spacing out and ignoring me.

Anyway, you weren’t approached by any creeps, were you?

Yui: N-No, not at all!

Ayato: Hmm… that doesn’t sound too honest. Are you lying?

Yui: No way! I… I’m just hungry and my stomach won’t stop growling, which is really embarrassing…

Ayato: Haa… you never change. Always getting embarrassed over everything, but no worries, I didn’t hear anything. Though, if you’re really that hungry, I guess we could get something to eat.

Yui: Y-Yeah, that sounds great!

* Timeskip *

Yui: ( After the restaurant, we went to the mall, then back to the center. Ayato-kun… we walked a lot today, but instead of getting tired, he just got more and more energetic. )

( I suppose he was really in need of this break, so maybe hiding that letter wasn’t entirely bad, no…? Still, I’ll have to give it to him today, otherwise I’ll surely put him at risk… )

Ayato: Oi Yui, look!

Yui: W-Woah! I’ve never seen such big Takoyaki before!

Ayato: Heh, right? It’s even bigger than the ones from the Demon World!

Also, Ore-sama got you this, so I better see you eat it all.

Yui: Eh-? This is such a big donut! T-There’s no way I could eat all of it!

Ayato: So you’re refusing my donut? You’re way too ungrateful for a Chichinashi. Well, in that case, I guess you don’t need it any—

Yui: No, no, the donut is good!

— starts eating it —

Come to think of it, today you’ve spoiled me quite a lot, Ayato-kun.

Ayato: And why would that be bad? I thought women liked that.

Yui: It’s not bad, but I really didn’t do anything special. You’re the one who’s been working all day and night, for this reason I believe you deserve this treatment more.

Ayato: Haa… getting all self-conscious, just like always.

Look, you know I’m not good at sentimental shit, but after everything we’ve been through, your presence is special enough for me.

I guess I just want to cherish you, that’s all.

Yui: Ayato-kun… I feel the——

A-Ah, oh no!

( The chocolate… it melted on my hand! )

I-I’m sorry, I’ll be right back!

— tries to stand up —

Ayato: Nah, nah. C’mere.

— grabs her and sits her on his lap —

Yui: Wait, don’t!

— he starts licking her hand —

Yui: A-Ayato-kun, stop it! We’re in public…!

Ayato: Mnn… Mm…

— slowly bites —

Yui: Uuh…

( At this rate, people will definitely start watching!)

— starts moving —

Ayato: Tch, you’re making this way too hard for both! Just stay still and stop acting like I’m about to kill you!

Yui: ( I know his intentions aren’t bad, but this is getting too embarrassing…! )

( I’m sorry, Ayato-kun! )

— tries to push him away but falls down —

Yui: Oww…

Ayato: ( Geez, what a klutz. )

Haa… are you hurt?

— grabs her arm and picks her up —

Yui: Ah, I’m alright, no worries.

Ayato: Oi.

What’s that?

— picks something up —

Yui: ….!

Ayato: Is that… a letter for me?

— starts reading it —

You… you had it all this time with you and didn’t say a word?!

Yui: I… I can explain!

You see, I thought—

Ayato: Shut up!

Do you even have the slightest clue about what you just did!? I seriously doubt you understand how important king duties are, do you?

Hah, of course, you don’t! Why would you?

You sit around doing absolutely nothing all day while I’m working my ass off to make sure you and everyone else can live comfortably!

I’m out here putting in the effort, grinding to create a decent life, not just for you, but for everyone, even if I didn’t ask for this shit. And you do this to me!?

I thought you matured too, but at the end of the day, you’re nothing but a selfish bitch!

Yui: Wait! Ayato-ku—

Ayato: Don’t touch me!

Yui: …!

Please, listen to me!

— grabs his clothes —

Ayato: Quiet! I’m not risking to go through that again only because of someone like you. Get lost!

— pushes her away and leaves —

Yui: …!

No… No… this can’t be the end…

How… How could I be this stupid…? Hhn… Ngh…

Kuh… Ayato-kun.. Nhn…

Place: Avenue

Ayato: (Fuck! I can’t return to the Demon World right now. )

( On top of that, why the hell am I the one feeling guilty now!? )

( She… Yes, she deserved that treatment. That’s what she gets for sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong. Besides, what she did could lead to something dangerous. )

( It’s not the first time she pulls such shit on me anyway, but… )

( Why can’t I stay mad at her no matter what she does to me…? )

Tch, such bullsh— Hah?

Guy 1: Aww, she’s playing hard to get~!

Guy 2: Aren’t you a bit too feisty for a crybaby?

???: S-Stop it! Leave me alone!

Ayato: …!

( That voice… Yui! )

Place: Alley

Yui: I-I told you to stop!

Guy 1: Just come with us, it’ll be fun~.

Yui: No, I don’t want to!

Guy 2: She keeps struggling, isn’t she cu——

— gets punched —

Guy 1: What the—

Guy 2: Such strength!

Yui: Eh?

Ayato: Get out of my sight, you bastards! If you don’t leave this girl alone right now, I’ll make sure your already disgusting faces get even worse!

— they start running away —

Yui: Ayato-kun… thank you!

( He came back for me… )

Ayato: ….

— grabs her hand and starts walking —

*Timeskip*

Yui: ( Ever since Ayato-kun saved me, he hasn’t spoken a word. )

( It’s obvious that he’s mad… )

( But if both of us keep quiet, this conflict will never be solved… )

Ayato & Yui simultaneously: I’m sorry.

Yui: ( Eh? Did he just— )

No… I’m the one who should apologize. I hid that letter, knowing full well the consequences it could have.

However… I only did it because I wanted Ayato-kun to have some free time for himself too.

Ayato: You…

Yui: I’m aware of how much work you have to do, and being king is definitely not easy. That’s why, I really admire your for that.

Nevertheless, it saddens me seeing Ayato-kun so stressed out and exhausted. I want Ayato-kun to be always as energetic and cheerful as he was today, but… I do realize that I’m just being selfish.

Ayato: No… You… You’re not selfish, I am.

I was the one who didn’t listen to your side of the story. It’s just... I’m afraid of failing as king. There, I said it!

I don’t want to put the people I care for in danger, nor can’t I accept being a worse king than that old fart, so all I have to do is carry out my duties. Hell yeah, they’re a pain in the ass but that’s my responsibility now, which is why I can’t back off.

Yui: ( Ayato-kun… I never thought you felt that way… )

N-no, the way you reacted was understandable. Anyone under that much stress might have done the same, and I can’t blame you for it.

Besides, I can’t say your words were wrong. I am indeed incapable of fully understanding the challenges you face, however… no matter what happens, I want you to know that you’ll always be the best king to me…!

Ayato: …!

Heh… you really never change.

— hugs her—

Yui: W-Well, I suppose I can’t change if I do nothing all day.

Ayato: Hmph, are you throwing shade at me for what I told you?

Yui: Eh? No way, it was just a coincidence! I swear!

Ayato: Pfft, proved my point. You'll forever stay the clumsy, stupid, and oddly adorable woman that you are.

Yui: Hey, that’s backhan— Mm…!

Ayato: Nn…

Yui: ( Ayato-kun… his kiss is so gentle… )

( I really missed Ayato-kun’s kisses. I’m so happy…! )

Ayato: Oi, don’t tell me you’re about to cry again.

Yui: I’m not but…

I just want to know, will the letter get Ayato-kun in troubles…?

Ayato: I might get some weird looks for not showing up on time, and maybe a lecture or two, but it shouldn’t be too bad. I was supposed to start on them today since there’s a lot, but... I think I’d rather spend my time with my girl instead.

Yui: Is that so? Thank you.

But doesn't that mean you'll have to work even harder to make up for today?

Ayato: I guess it can’t be helped. I don’t want to think of tomorrow, all I want is to focus on the present.

Yui: Fufu, I see. By the way…

Will you uhm… stay overnight too?

Ayato: Heh~? Is that supposed to be a sex invitation?

Yui: I… T-That’s—!

Ayato: Heh~, don’t even try to get out of it, it’s written all over your face.

Rest assured though, the invitation is accepted~.

— Smooch —

[dumbseee]

bro code. pt3.

part 1. part 2.

carlos sainz jr x reader.

fc: bruna marquezine.

note: sorry for the mistakes this might have, english isn’t my first language and this is the longest fic i’ve ever written :) btw this will be the last part.

liked by landonorris, y/n, charles_leclerc and 1 589 008 others.

carlossainz55: happy birthday to the person who owns my heart. you helped me experience true love, and for that i’ll forever be grateful. your heart is pure and you always want the best for people, i love every little detail about you, like the way you always count to three before jumping into the pool because you were afraid of it when you were younger, or the way you always kiss my forehead before every race because you say it’s my lucky charm. you are my lucky charm, mi cielito. i love you so much y/n, thank you for giving me the chance to show you how you deserved to be loved.

_

y/n: how dare you making me cry on my birthday carlos sainz :( i love you more <3

carlossainz55: @.y/n not possible, i’m bigger than you so i can hold more love for you.

fan1: I JUST FELL TO MY KNEES

fan2: WHEN IS IT MY DAMN TURN

fan3: god it’s me again…

fan4: im going to kms in front of them to change the trajectory of their lives istg

fan5: GOOOOOOSH CARLOS IS ABISDODLLD

landonorris: damn sainz, even i am tearing up

fan6: just get married already

fan7: after n*ymar, y/n deserved a man like that

liked by marquinhosm5, carolcabrino, neymarpai_ and 3 788 082 others.

neymarjr: my heart is empty without you, you’ve blocked me so i can’t wish you a happy birthday privately but please y/n come back to me. you succeeded, that stunt you pulled with that random driver hurt me, you can stop now. i know that you miss me and want to comeback so please y/n be reasonable. i made a huge mistake and i’ll never forgive myself for what i did to us.

_

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your day went terribly, it was your birthday and you were excited for it but your day was completely ruined with neymar’s post. because of course, you saw it the second he posted it. your agent called you, panicked and told you to avoid social media, but it was too late. you were home when you saw it and had a huge panic attack. you didn’t tell carlos and you prayed that he didn’t see the post which was very unlikely since neymar mentioned him. you were more mad at the fact that he disrespected carlos because he didn’t deserve it. even if your relationship was fake to the world, carlos was nothing but a sweetheart to you. you even hoped that the moments you shared with him were true.

carlos texted you to come at his house to have a small party with some friends but you almost had a heart attack when you entered the house and saw all those people screaming "happy birthday!" filming you to have your reaction. carlos had a very different definition of « small party ». you saw him walk towards you with a huge smile, he was breathtaking, wearing nude pants and a blue shirt, letting the top buttons open, showing a bit of his torso. you were completely mesmerised by him, that was the effect carlos had on you.

"surprise cielito." he said after kissing your cheek, he wrapped his arm around your waist and gave you a hug. you melted in his touch and smiled at him. "you didn’t need to do all that, carlos." you said. "nonsense, it’s your birthday after all." you smiled at him and kissed his cheek before some friends of yours came to greet you and wish you a happy birthday. carlos’ purpose was to make your birthday special, especially with what happened earlier with your ex. he knew how this whole situation affected you deeply, even if you tried to hide it from him, carlos saw right through you. he could tell if you were upset just by looking at your face.

"umm, carlos?" lando’s voice took him out of his thoughts, he looked at his friend but frowned when he saw the look on his face. "look who showed up." lando whispered as if the whole room didn’t see who came uninvited. you gotta be kidding me. carlos turned around to see where you were and his heart tightened when he saw the look on your face, pure sadness. anger took over him immediately, that son of a bitch made you sad on your special day. carlos wasn’t going to let that slide. the spaniard quickly made his way to neymar who was asking people about where you were. the driver roughly turned the brazilian around so he could face him. neymar was about to say something to the person who just interrupted him but he only rolled his eyes when he saw carlos.

"what do you want sainz? where is my girl?" he asked, looking over carlos’ shoulder. neymar looked very drunk. carlos could feel anger buildup inside of him. how dare he? "you’re in my house so, i’ll ask you once and once only, leave before i make you leave." carlos said through gritted teeth. neymar scoffed before taking a step closer to the spaniard, being almost forehead against forehead. "are you threatening me, hijo da puta?" carlos was about to respond when charles and lando quickly appeared to separate the two of them. "okay, it’s enough now boys." charles said trying to lighten the mood. "move! i’m not done with him!" neymar pushed charles away which made carlos even more mad. "listen here, little boy. first you steal my woman and then you disrespect me in front of all these people. you think i’ll let that slide, coño?" the brazilian added while pushing carlos with his finger. at this point there was nothing charles or lando could do to stop them. "let me clarify one thing, junior, she was never yours to begin with. and trust that now that she has tasted true love, she’s never leaving." carlos said with a smile, which made neymar go crazy. the footballer grabbed carlos’ collar. "you made her cry for weeks, you destroyed her completely, and now you dare to show your face and claiming her as your woman? how dare you call yourself a man and make the woman you’re supposed to love and cherish, cry?" the spaniard said before getting closer to neymar’s ear. "if you dare to even whisper her name in your sleep, i’ll come for you, neymar da silva santos junior."

neymar finally let go of carlos before leaving quickly. the driver was now concerned about where you were hiding. as he was looking at the crowd of people, who were still talking about what just happened, lando approached his friend. "she’s with luisa and charlotte, they’re on the balcony." carlos nodded before patting his friend’s shoulder as a thank you. he quickly made it to his balcony where the girls were talking, luisa noticed him and patted charlotte’s shoulder to tell her that they needed to go. carlos sent them a thankful smile before walking towards you. your back was facing him and you were too lost in your thoughts to even notice his presence. he gently hugged you from behind which made you jump before you recognised his fragrance. "carlos." you simply said. "yes, cielito, are you okay?" he asked, resting his chin on your shoulder. you sighed before looking up at the moon, shining on the both of you. "i guess? is he gone?" you asked with a small voice, feeling the tears threatening to fall again. "yes, for real this time." you frowned before turning around to face carlos.

you were still extremely close as his hands were on your waist and your hands on his chest. he looked ethereal under the moonlight. "carlos, what am i to you?" you finally asked the question you were scared to even ask yourself. carlos smiled before moving his face closer to you. "you’re the love of my life." and then he kissed your lips. he kissed you like you’ve always dreamed to be kissed. with love, respect and passion. carlos was the first one to break the kiss, he looked at you and replaced a wild strand of hair behind your ear. "none of this was fake to me, every word, every attention, everything was real to me."

liked by carlossainz55, landonorris, charlottesiine and 1 789 007 others.

y/n: thank you everyone for all the birthdays wishes! and thanks to my amazing boyfriend for throwing this party for me. i love you to the moon and back, handsome and i thank god everyday for giving me the chance to be your girlfriend.

_

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_

taglist: @mjaudrey @champomiel @lorarri @watersquirtpewpewboomm @ndunad @shrimpyshrimp @gaviypedrisbride @little-angel-07 @ironmaiden1313 @leclerc16s @xjval @elijahslover @hearts4esmee @love4lando

thanks for the support 🤍🥹

[eternallyordinary]

"He Belongs to You" - Part 18

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please let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list!<3

series masterlist<3

Summary: As the past settles, a new understanding emerges—one built on power, possession, and an unbreakable bond.

Warnings: sexual assault trauma, obsession, possessive behavior, power imbalance, death, violence, harassment, implied dark themes, smut

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Once the door shuts behind you, Homelander changes. The quiet restraint he’d held onto for you disappears instantly. He turns to them, hands clasping behind his back. For a beat, there is silence—thick, suffocating. Then, he smiles.

A slow, curling grin that promises nothing but agony.

“You know… I’ve spent my whole life pretending I care what people think. Trying my best to play by their stupid fucking rules.”

He steps forward, deliberate, controlled. The boys shrink back, any bravado they had left evaporating. Jimmy clutches at his bruised throat, eyes wide with dawning horror. Even he seems to realize—there is no getting out of this.

“But the thing is…” Homelander’s smile stretches wider, his gaze just like a predator surveying their prey. “I don’t need to pretend right now, do I?”

He stops in front of Jimmy, crouching down so they are eye to eye.

“You made her ask me,” he whispers, voice laced with something terrifyingly close to amusement. “You made her look me in the eyes and ask me to do it. That was you. All you.”

Jimmy lets out a choked noise, his whole body trembling.

“Now, that’s real fucking special. Don’t you think so, James?”

Homelander continues to survey the room with a casual indifference, only making the tension more unbearable.

“Well, boys—since we’re gathered so intimately in this lovely little space, why don’t we try to get to know each other better?” He smirks. “Not that I want to. Or need to.”

He tilts his head slightly, eyes gleaming with a quiet, merciless kind of danger. “I’ll be honest, guys—I already know everything. Your family’s names. Your pets’ names. Hell, I even know your blood types. Type O, right, Trevor? A universal donor. How selfless.”

He lets his words hang in the air like a blade, then gives a casual shrug.

“And trust me, I’d kill every single person you care about. Level that redneck town you call home. Blame it on terrorists. Wrap it up in a press release and move on.”

A pause.

“But that one out there?” He jerks his chin toward the door, a flicker of something softer in his voice. “She’d never forgive me. She’s got such a good heart. Such a good girl.”

With a swift motion, he grabs a chair and swings it around, straddling it as he faces the four men cowering before him.

“You see,” he continues, voice dropping lower, “you grew up thinking I was your hero.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “I hate to be cocky, but let’s be real—you probably had a poster of me on your wall. Maybe even an action figure or two. Didn’t you, Eric?”

Eric swallows hard and gives a trembling nod.

Then the amusement drains from Homelander’s face.

“The thing is,” his voice now cold, flat, “I was never a hero. Not really. I was made to be one, sure. But the truth?” His fingers drum against the back of the chair. “I’m a fucking monster.”

“I’ve always hurt things,” he admits. “Hurt people. Everything I’ve ever done has been for my own personal gain, because, well—” He spread his arms wide, as if presenting himself. “I’ve never had anyone. I was made in a fucking lab. What do they call it—a test tube baby, right? I mean, fuck, I killed my birth mother the second I was born. I’m an animal, some might say.”

He leans in closer, his smile haunting.

“But ever since I met her… she’s turned me into someone I don’t even recognize. Someone almost… human?”

He laughs, but there’s no humor in it.

“And let’s just say, boys—” his voice drops, low and dangerous, jaw tightening like he’s holding something back, “—the second I found out she’d been touched by someone other than me?”

He pauses.

“I knew I had to kill them.”

He shrugs, mockingly casual. “Yeah, yeah, call me selfish. I don’t like to share.”

His eyes darken.

“But apparently you four do. And you like the kind of girl who can’t even lift her head, too drunk to open her eyes. Dead weight.”

The temperature in the room seems to drop.

“So when I found out the touch wasn’t welcomed?” His voice barely above a whisper now. “That it was forced—by you four?”

He exhales slowly, as if trying to tether the violence clawing its way up his spine.

Then he chuckles.

Quiet. Cold.

And completely devoid of mercy.

“That,” he says, his grin widening, his fingers flexing, “really made my fucking blood boil, guys.”

He stands, the chair screeching against the floor as he pushes it aside.

“She’s made me softer, yeah, sure. But she’s also made me realize something.” He glances toward the door—the one that leads to you—then back at the men, his expression unreadable.

“I need to keep the monster alive so I can fight for her.”

And then, without another word, he moves. And the screaming begins.

Faster than any of them can react, his hand shoots forward, gripping the first boy’s skull. A sickening crack echoes as he crushes it like a grape, blood spraying across the room. The others scream, looking for an escape, but there isn’t one.

Homelander laughs—an exhale of pure delight.

Another one collapses, desperate to break free. Before the thought of escape can even finish forming, Homelander’s eyes ignite. A searing beam of red light cuts clean through him, splitting his torso in one swift, merciless stroke. He collapses to the ground in two smoking halves.

Homelander rolls his shoulders, exhaling through his nose, savoring the moment.

“I could stretch this out, you know. Really take my time.”

He locks eyes with Jimmy, grin fading into something darker. “You, especially.”

Jimmy lets out a strangled sob. His face streaked with tears, sweat, and the blood of his old pals.

“But,” Homelander sighs, cracking his neck, “she’s waiting for me.”

The last thing they see is the red glow of his eyes.

And just like that—it was all over.

Homelander surveys the carnage, his heart still fluttering in his chest. The scent of blood, burnt flesh, the lingering traces of fear—God, it feels so fucking good. But the moment he turns toward the rooftop door, the moment his mind shifts back to you, the rage settles.

You’re out there. Waiting for him.

You told him nothing he did would change the way you feel—said it like it was fact, like loving someone like him wasn’t impossible.

But now, he’s standing there… hesitating. Him. The strongest man in the world, afraid to open a fucking door.

Because what if you were wrong? What if he already ruined it?

What if you look at him—really look at him—and finally see what he is?

Homelander opens the door slowly, the metal groaning on its hinges as he steps out into the night.

He walks toward you, each step deliberate, tense—like he’s bracing for something. Rejection, maybe. Disgust.

You sit at the edge of the rooftop, back to him, knees pulled in, the breeze tugging at your hair like it’s trying to comfort you in his place.

Homelander walks closer, blood still drying on his suit, heart pounding harder than it has in years.

He doesn’t speak. Doesn’t know if he even can.

You haven’t turned around, but you haven’t walked away either.

And that alone keeps him moving forward.

Homelander expects you to be terrified.

Expects you to flinch when he gets close.

Expects you to shrink back, to turn away, to look at him the way everyone else did just moments ago—like he’s something monstrous. Something demonic. Covered in blood. Dripping in violence.

A god, maybe. But not a man. Not someone worthy of love. And yet… you don’t move. You stay exactly where you are. You even step closer.

And then, softly, you reach up, pressing a hand to his bloodstained cheek. Your fingers brush over his skin, gentle, reverent, unshaken. You lean in, lips inches from his.

“You were right,” you whisper, breath warm against his mouth.

“I do love you.”

Homelander’s entire body shudders, and then he was on you. Mouth crashing against yours, hands grabbing, pulling, claiming.

You gasp against his lips as he lifts you, pinning you against the nearest surface. His fingers dig into your hips like he’ll never let go. Hands tearing at fabric, needing to feel skin. He needs to drown in the heat of you.

Without hesitation or foreplay, he strips off your pants and positions himself. With a single thrust, he slides into you, your readiness for him making it easy. A moan of ecstasy escapes your lips—unbothered by the blood, the bodies, or the chance of unseen eyes below.

“You have no idea what you do to me.”

You can only moan in response. Your nails scrape down his chest, dragging against the blood-streaked fabric of his suit. The sensation makes him shudder—his body thrumming with adrenaline, lust. A feeling far darker and deeper than anything he’s experienced before.

“I’ll never let you leave,” he murmurs against your jaw, his voice possessive. “You know that, don’t you?”

You nod, gasping as he trails kisses down your neck. His fingers curl under the hem of your top, sliding it up and over your head.

He groans, his eyes devouring you. Taking in the way the cold air makes you shiver, the way your body responds to him like clockwork.

His bloodstained hands trace your sides, smearing red across your skin. Almost like he’s marking you in a way that is so much more than words.

You know you should be horrified. Know you should be disgusted.

But you aren’t. Not in the slightest.

You let out a small, shaky moan as his hands wander.

“So fucking beautiful, even like this. Especially like this.”

His hands are everywhere—gripping your thighs, sliding up your back. He’s insatiable, and you can feel it.

A man who’s been given everything in the world but never anything his—until you.

His fingers dig in, strong enough to bruise, but you don’t care. You want it. You welcome it. You want him to leave his mark, to brand you as his. The same way you just branded him as yours.

His voice is low, wrecked against your ear.

“Say it again.”

You swallow, body trembling against him, but your voice doesn’t waver. Not in the slightest. You’ve never been so sure.

“I love you.”

He pulls back, just enough to meet your eyes. His own eyes blown wide—not just for your body, but for the words. For the feeling. For the proof that this is real.

His fingers brush your cheek, his touch gentle beneath all the carnage.

“Say it again, baby.”

You cup his face, smearing blood across his cheek as you whisper—

“I love you.”

He holds you close, his breath warm against your ear. He continues to move slowly, as if trying to rewrite the past with every touch.

“I should have been there,” he murmurs, his voice thick with regret. His hands trace over you, mapping every place you’ve ever felt pain.

“I should have been there to protect you. Should have been there to take care of you.”

His words break between kisses—soft, lingering presses of his lips against your neck, your shoulders, your collarbone.

“I’m sorry,” he breathes, his forehead resting against yours. His hands cradle your face like you’re something fragile, something precious.

“I’ll spend forever making it up to you. I promise.”

And in this moment, wrapped in his warmth, the weight of his love pressing into you—it feels like the past can’t hurt you anymore.

“I’m going to cum, baby—”

He lets go, finishing inside of you. Feeling him throb against your walls is enough to make you come undone just the same. Right in the middle of the blood, the bodies, the aftermath of your vengeance. And it’s perfect. He’s perfect. Nothing in the world has ever felt so earned.

He turns back to you, studying you carefully, gauging your reaction once more. This is the moment. The moment you should run. The moment you should scream. The moment you should look at him differently. But you don’t.

And you never will.

—

The Morning After

You wake up feeling lighter, as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You lay wrapped in the arms of the one who shielded you, avenged you, claimed you. It’s impossible to not feel at peace.

Homelander’s arm drapes over your waist, his body curled around yours. His grip on you looser now, but even in sleep, he refuses to let you go.

You scroll absently, your eyes stopping at the breaking news banner on the bottom of the screen.

FOUR MEN KILLED IN SUSPECTED CARTEL TRADE GONE WRONG—NEW REPORTS SUGGEST TIES TO CHILD TRAFFICKING RING.

You stare at the headline for a long moment before pressing play. A primly dressed news anchor fills the screen, her expression serious as she recites the official story.

Newly leaked documents, obtained by an anonymous cyber group, suggest that the four men killed in last night’s violent warehouse massacre had extensive financial and logistical ties to a multi-state child trafficking operation. While authorities have yet to confirm these claims, the evidence casts a dark shadow over the deceased—Jimmy Connors, Liam Connors, Eric Blevins, and Trevor Marks—all of whom were reportedly killed in what sources are calling an “underworld trade gone wrong.”

Further investigation has revealed that these four men were previously implicated in a sexual assault case years ago. Despite the allegations, the case was dismissed by the court, allowing them to walk free. Judge Ward, who presided over the case, has declined to comment.

Authorities have yet to release official statements regarding the full extent of these allegations, but public outcry has already begun, with many questioning how these men avoided prosecution in the past. Investigators are now working to verify the authenticity of the leaked documents and determine the true scope of their involvement in criminal activity.

Your stomach twists, your fingers gripping the phone tighter.

Homelander stirs behind you, letting out a slow hum. His grip around your waist tightens slightly as he nuzzles into your shoulder.

“Morning, baby.”

You don’t answer. Your mind is still turning over the implications. He shifts, lifting himself slightly so he can peek over your shoulder.

“Ah. There it is. Right on time.”

You turn, your brow furrowing as you search his face. “How did you do this?”

Homelander chuckles, stretching lazily. Completely unbothered.

“Oh, sweetheart. You think I just let people disappear?” He grins, pleased with himself. “No, no. I make sure their names go down in fucking flames.”

He rolls onto his back, folding his hands behind his head. His voice smug, satisfied.

“Had someone dig up every dirty little secret they ever had. Fabricated a few more for good measure, of course. Then made sure the right people got their hands on it. Now? They’re child traffickers. That’s what history will remember them as. That’s what their families will have to live with. That’s all they are now.”

Homelander leans against the headboard, his fingers tracing slow, absentminded patterns on your skin. You continue to stare at the news clip still playing on your phone. The words blur together. The weight of them pressing heavy against your ribs.

FOUR MEN KILLED IN SUSPECTED CARTEL TRADE GONE WRONG—NEW REPORTS SUGGEST TIES TO CHILD TRAFFICKING RING.

The world knows. And soon, they’ll connect the dots.

“What am I going to do when they find out I was their victim?”

Homelander hums, tilting his head.

Then, softly—

“That depends.”

He tilts your chin up, his grip gentle but firm. Leaving you with no choice but to meet his gaze.

“Do you want them to know?”

Your stomach ties in knots. You hadn’t let yourself think about this part—not fully, at least. The moment your name was attached to this, the world would see you as a victim again.

No matter how strong you’ve become. No matter what powers you held. No matter what you signed off on to take control. The whispers, the pity, the headlines. It’ll all come crashing back.

“I can handle it. I can make it go away.”

A shiver runs down your spine.

“I don’t want to hide,” you admit, your voice steady now, stronger. “But I don’t want them to own me again, either.”

“Oh, my love,” he murmurs, his fingers ghosting over your lips.

“No one owns you but me.”

The words send a sharp, hot pulse through you—something between fear and need. Then, his voice softens. Lower now, more intimate.

“If you want to tell them, tell them. Let them cry over you. Let them worship you.” His lips quirk. “Let them see how strong you are now.”

A pause.

“But if you aren’t ready? I’ll make sure no one ever breathes your name in connection to this, until you are.”

His promise hangs in the air, thick and unchallenged. You hesitate, the next words almost sticking in your throat.

“And you wouldn’t be… embarrassed? That your girl…friend—” you swallow, forcing the word out, “—was raped?”

You push forward, your chest tight. “And what about me being in The Seven? If this comes out, if they start questioning my past—” your breath stutters, “—you wouldn’t feel ashamed? As a captain?”

For a moment, he just looks at you. His piercing blue gaze unreadable, his lips pressing into a thin line like he’s trying to figure something out.

“First of all, why are you so hesitant to say ‘girlfriend’?”

You blink, caught off guard.

“Out of everything you just said, that’s the thing tripping you up?”

“I—”

“Because, let’s be clear—you’re mine. That’s not even a question.”

You look up at him innocently, eyes wide, lips barely parted. A sharp breath escapes him, his fingers twitching like he’s holding himself back again. A feeling he’s getting used to.

“And as for the rest of that bullshit?” he continues, his voice dipping into something more incredulous.

“You think I’d be embarrassed of you? You think I’d be ashamed?” His eyes burn into you, unblinking, unrelenting.

“Of you?”

The very thought offends him. It’s so utterly ridiculous, he can’t even comprehend where it’s coming from.

A slow exhale.

“Do you realize how proud I am to have you?”

Your heart flutters. His tone is different now. Steady. Like he wasn’t just saying it, like he was almost preaching it.

“You survived them. You took back your power. You’re not weak, darling. You’re unstoppable.”

He gently tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.

“And you think I’d let anyone—anyone—talk about you like you’re some kind of… shameful secret?”

His grip tightens on you slightly.

“Let the whole fucking world find out. Let them see what you survived, let them worship you for it. Or let them say one bad word about you—so I have an excuse to fucking tear them apart.”

You believe him. You finally understand, you’re not a victim. You never were. And that’s a good feeling.

“I told you, baby, no one will ever know what really happened to them. They don’t get to be victims. They don’t get to be mourned. They get to be exactly what the world sees them as now, what they’ve always been—monsters.”

You should feel uneasy. Should feel some kind of hesitation at how easily he rewrote their legacy. But instead? All you feel is relief.

Their names wouldn’t be spoken with sympathy.

No one would miss them.

They’re gone.

Erased.

And for the first time in years—

You feel free.

You let your head drop against his shoulder, closing your eyes as his fingers slide through your hair.

“What made you tell me you loved me?”

Your voice comes out softer than you expected, almost hesitant. For a moment, he just looks at you, almost as if he’s deciding on how much to share. He sighs, almost exasperated, as if the answer is so obvious he doesn’t know why you’re even asking.

“Because it’s true. But to be honest? I was waiting for it to go away. I kept telling myself it was nothing. That you were just—a game. A passing interest.”

He sees your reaction, his fingers slipping under your chin as he tilts your face up.

“But you aren’t a passing interest,” Homelander murmurs, voice softer now, his thumb brushing gently along your jaw. “You’re my only interest.”

He swallows, eyes locked on yours. “From the first day I met you, you’ve been the only thing I can fucking think about.”

His gaze drops for a moment, the words catching in his throat. “And now, when I look back—at all the people I’ve killed, all the women I’ve slept with, all the power I’ve hoarded…”

He exhales, sharp and bitter.

“None of it matters anymore.”

His lips twitch into something close to a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes—there’s something hollow about it, almost self-deprecating. Like he’s suddenly disgusted by the weight of his own past.

His forehead drops to yours, his restraint unraveling.

“It was never enough. Because it wasn’t you.”

His lips barely brush yours, a whisper away.

“You are more than enough.”

His expression almost pained—

“And you’re the only fucking thing that ever will be.”

And in this moment, you decide—

This isn’t just obsession, possession. This is love. Twisted, sure. Consuming, maybe. But you’re too far gone to turn back now.

“So, yeah, I said it. Because if I didn’t say it, I was going to lose my fucking mind.”

A sharp inhale.

“And because… I wanted to hear you say it back.”

Homelander’s head tilts, that smug, teasing smirk playing on his lips. But you know there is something else behind it—something deeper, something searching.

“Now, what made you say it? Was it just because I did?”

“No.” Your voice soft, steady. “I didn’t say it just because you did.”

Your finger trace along his lips, your eyes focused on his.

“I said it, because I meant it. Because the truth is? I was already yours. I always have been.”

His lips part, like he wants to speak, wants to tell you something—

But he doesn’t. He kisses you instead. Not rough, not desperate—like he was sealing a promise.

You pull away from the kiss to slip out of bed, wrapping the blanket around your shoulders as you pad toward the kitchen.

“By the way,” you call over your shoulder, glancing back at him as you reach for the coffee maker. “I hesitate on ‘girlfriend’ because last time I checked, you haven’t asked me to be.”

Homelander lets out a sharp, amused laugh, shaking his head as he leans back against the pillows. “What, are we teenagers?”

You smirk, pouring water into the machine.

“Well… once upon a time, you were one. About 25 years ago.”

For a moment, there’s only silence.

Then—

A sharp gasp.

“Oh, you little—”

One second, you’re standing peacefully by the coffee maker—the next, you’re airborne. A playful yelp tears from your lips as he scoops you up effortlessly, throwing you over his shoulder like you weigh nothing.

“Homelander! Put me down!” you shriek, laughing as you kick your feet.

“Nah, baby, you wanted to be cute—now you suffer.”

Before you can even protest, he cages you against the counter, pinning you between his arms.

“What was that? Something about me being… old?”

You bite your lip, fighting a smile.

“I mean… did I lie?”

“Oh, that’s it.”

His hands are on you, fingers digging into your sides as he mercilessly tickles you. You shriek, gasping for breath, shoving at his chest even though he’s immovable.

“Say it,” he taunts, his smirk widening as you squirm helplessly.

“Say what?!” you gasp between fits of laughter.

“Say you’re my girlfriend.”

“Oh my god—”

“Say it.”

You can barely breathe, your giggles turning breathless. Your face hot as you try to wiggle free.

“Okay, okay!” you gasp, giggling uncontrollably. “I’m your girlfriend! Happy now?!”

Homelander smirks, his hands settling firmly on your waist.

“See? Was that so hard?”

You huff, still trying to catch your breath. “God, you are such a child.” You roll your eyes, smacking his chest lightly. He leans in, pressing a slow, teasing kiss to your lips.

Then suddenly—

A buzzing noise fills the room.

Your phone vibrates against the kitchen counter, a notification flashing across the screen.

You glance down, your brows pulling together as you read the message.

UNKNOWN NUMBER: we need to talk. it’s about them.

Your stomach drops. Homelander notices immediately, his eyes narrowing slightly.

“Something wrong?”

You have a sinking feeling—

This isn’t over.

⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺ ˚ ༘ ⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺ ˚ ༘ ⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺ ˚ ༘ ⁺˚⋆｡

tags: @lilyalone @raginginkedslut @helreyy

[cherriegyuu]

midnight rain | lsm

pairing: seokmin x f!reader genre: angst, smut, a little bit of fluff word count: 17k summary: after seven years away, you finally return home. meeting seokmin again wasn't in your plans, but life wasn't willing to let you have it your way. warnings: minors do not interact, kissing, oral, swearing, penetrative sex, unprotected sex (don't do this) a/n: this is part of 1k event, it was requested the dearest @ressonancee. but also, it's part of svt ans songs from midnights. i just wrote two in one and something that was supposed to be short became this monster. i hope i wrote seokmin in a way you'll like it. prompt: “I don’t want anyone else. No one else can make me feel like you do." Seokmin ➝ Midnight Rain He was sunshine, I was midnight rain ↳ it was the oldest story in the world, the bright boy fell for the grumpy girl.

Letter #1

Seokmin,

You know, I've always been very proud of not being a very attached person. I've always been proud that I can put myself first and second, because I know I need to do it, because I know that no one else will do it for me. So, when I came here and dropped everything I had, I thought it would be a lot easier than it actually is.

When I turn around in bed at night, after days of trying to get used to the time zone and weeks to the weather and the people here — which are both bad and for completely different reasons, nothing is like in the movies — I always hope to find you there by my side and being able to snuggle up to you like I always did. I wake up in the morning and make enough coffee for two people and take two mugs out of the cupboard, and only then do I realize I'm alone here. I don't need two mugs and I made too much coffee. Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I find myself typing your number, which I have memorized despite the fact that no one remembers phone numbers, because phones exist for a reason.

You have no idea how much I miss you and what I would do to be able to hear your voice again. I would do anything, I swear I could. But I know I no longer have that right. I know that what I did is unforgivable and although I want your forgiveness, I hope you never forget what I did to you.

You were still good to me on the last day. You took me to the airport, you said goodbye to me, you hugged me tight like you know I like it and you did your best not to shed a tear in front of me.

Every now and then I catch myself thinking that I messed up. I could have done my master's where we graduated, I didn't need to move to the other side of the world and leave the life I knew behind. But at the same time, I accept it. Coming here was my dream, it was always what I dreamed of even when you were by my side as well. And maybe that's why I never told you about the application, about being approved. Maybe I waited until the end, until the very last second to tell you because I knew you were the only one capable of changing my mind.

When I was by your side, I started to dream of a different life, a life that had you at all times and in all aspects. But, as you may have already noticed, I chose my first dream.

I know I won't regret it. I can't afford to regret it. You’ll become who you always wanted to be and I’ll be there to give you a standing ovation. Not there, next to you, but from afar.

yn 

“That was Sunday Morning, by Hong Joshua. Ah, whenever I hear this song I remember my college days. I've said this here a few times, and I think I sound like a broken record by this point, but Joshua and I went to the same college and he was always singing this song in the hallways. Any small gathering between friends he would pull out the guitar and sing. So I'm sorry, but you're going to have to listen to this song at least once a week for the next year. Or until he releases the next one.”

Seokmin looked at the monitor to his right as a pre-recorded commercial for the next show started. The comments were going up too quickly, which made reading them an almost impossible mission.

On the other side of the glass, Chan made a sign indicating that the commercial was over. Seokmin looked at his friend as he lowered one finger after another and finally pointed at him. Chan placed a sheet of paper, which was always used, against the glass, which said “last, chat”. Indicating that he still had one more question to answer.

“We have time for one more question” Seokmin said, opening the internal chat he used with the other radio employees and read the question that Chan had sent “I ended a relationship of almost four years a few months ago, but I still can't understand what happened. I haven't even returned his things yet. How do I get in touch saying I want to return it?”

Seokmin swallowed. He knew that Chan hadn't done it on purpose, that he had no way of knowing everything that had happened between him and you, but he hated how much the question resonated in his head. It was a feeling he shared and for him it had been a little worse because you lived together during your last year of college. So when he entered the house and saw all the furniture, the decorations, your clothes still in the closet, it was like entering a time machine. In that 30 square meter space, for a few minutes, you still hadn't left.

He took a deep breath, away from the microphone so the sound wouldn't be picked, and leaned forward.

“It's a difficult question, really. If it's been a few months and he still hasn't picked his things up, it's because he doesn't need them, so I don't think you should bother contacting him. Hmmm”

He bit his lip and rested his elbows on the table, thinking if he should continue talking or if it would be better to stop there. Seokmin always thought it was better not to let personal feelings show on the radio, but he had moments when he couldn't follow his own rules.

“I can tell you from experience that sometimes silence is better. Because if you know the truth, it could hurt you even more. When I was in a similar situation, after a while I simply discarded the person's belongings. At first, it will be difficult, because you’ll see that shirt you gave as a gift, that letter you wrote and remember what it meant, the moment you gave those things to him. But little by little you will achieve it. Don't feel obligated to just move on when you're not ready. People will always tell you that it's about time, that it's been so many weeks or months. You’re the one who knows about your feelings.”

Chan knocked on the glass again, almost desperate because Seokmin's answer had been too long. It wasn't the first time he had gotten lost in what he was saying and maybe had been talking in circles. It always happened that he remembered you when he answered a question.

And in that specific question he was being a hypocrite because he knew that if he opened his closet, deep inside it, he would find at least two boxes full of your things hidden. He rarely went near those boxes, he liked to pretend they didn't exist and most days he managed to achieve that thought. But there were other days…

“So we come to the end of another Cupid's Corner with Minnie. See you again next week. Cupid’s Corner with Minnie: Unveiling Love’s Melody, One Relationship at a Time!”

Seokmin removed his headphones, stood up, and waved at the cameras he knew were pointed at him. He grabbed his phone and the bottle of water he always carried with him. The red light above the door finally went out and Seokmin left the studio.

Immediately, Chan appeared beside him. He had just gone blond, and it strangely suited him.

He knew the youngest was desperate, not that he was doing a good job of hiding it. The disheveled hair, pointing in all directions, also helped a lot.

“You’re going to have a heart attack if you continue like this” Seokmin said laughing.

Chan was the newest employee, handpicked by Seokmin a few months before. Seokmin needed someone to help him organize the broadcasts after his previous assistant quit because she had gotten a job in the field she had studied. Seokmin even talked to her and offered a higher salary that would come out of his own pocket, but nothing seemed to help. Not that he blamed her, in her place he would have done the same thing. But in the position he was in, changes made him uncomfortable so he did what he could to make sure everything stayed the same.

Maybe it was trauma.

“It’s because they yell at me, not you.”

One of the reasons Seokmin chose Chan as his new assistant was his sincerity. In the middle of the interview he “I think there are things in your program that need to change” and started listing things that he thought were dated or ideas that had been used too much and therefore didn't have the same effect on listeners. The others had found him presumptuous as if he wanted to know more than those who worked at the radio. Seokmin disagreed and that's how Chan got the job.

“They yell at you because you’re the new guy, no one yelled at Jiah”

Chan made a sound in the back of his throat, like a scoff.

“That's because everyone was afraid of her” Seokmin rolled his eyes and reached for the folder Chan was carrying “Oh, right. Tomorrow is your lecture for the communication classes, but they said it is possible that students from other courses will also be there, because it’llll be in the auditorium”

Seokmin nodded, reading the guidelines Chan had made. He needed to admit that he was organized and had absolute control over everything he did. He was sure that if he asked about Wonwoo's program, Chan would know how to answer as if he worked directly with him.

“You know how it is, I have fans” Chan pretended to vomit “If you go tomorrow, we’ll go out to dinner later, I’ll pay”

"Deal"

Seokmin always found it strange to be called to give lectures at the college where he studied. He wasn't a teacher and he didn't think he had done enough to be someone who could give advice to someone. In fact, Seokmin was sure he hadn't done anything big. His life, to put it very simply, was flat. At least, almost all of his life.

Seokmin has always been the type of guy who makes plans and follows through on those plans. When he was sixteen he got it into his head that he wanted to work in radio. It wasn't without reasons, of course. He joined the school radio and despite doing very little, because the school director had to know everything that would be done, even the nouns he would use in the sentence, he fell in love with the idea. That's why he decided he should study journalism in college, that way even if his radio career didn't work out, he would still have a profession.

But his dream was to work on a radio, to have his own program. So that's what he did.

He entered college as planned, sunk into student debt, and graduated exactly as he had planned. In his last semester, he got an internship at the biggest radio station in the country. He was on cloud nine. It was as if he had received the green light in life and everything was on the right track.

At least that's what he thought. At least that was what he had forced himself to believe. The internship became a permanent position and one day he just happened to be in the right place at the right time. That's why he never felt prepared to give anyone advice. Despite having decided on the career he wanted to pursue, he knew that he also needed to count on a little luck and help. The only words he could offer were “you work hard, study, make contacts, and throw the rest into luck’s hands”. It wasn't the kind of thing he wanted to hear when he was a student looking forward to the future, so he certainly wouldn't say it to anyone.

However, Chan convinced him that it would be a good idea to give the talk.

“You’re going to tell me how you got here, that’s all. An unknown face who quickly went on air to cover someone for one of the most beloved radio broadcasters in the country. I'm sure if you say that shit fell on your head, they'll like it” Chan had said laughing.

Overall the lecture went very well. Better than expected. He answered the questions as honestly as possible and used his best smile to get rid of the more awkward questions.

Despite the good day, he knew he didn't want to repeat the dose anytime soon.

“They want to know if you would be willing to do one of these a semester” Chan whispered because he knew the answer Seokmin would give, so it was better for the students not to hear.

“No” was all Seokmin said “But I’ll still buy you dinner”

Chan punched the air in celebration, catching the eyes of those around him, but he seemed to care very little.

"I just…"

What Seokmin was about to say, an announcement that he needed to go to the bathroom, died in his throat as he looked straight ahead.

Letter #2

Seokmin,

I thought I would be able to adapt faster here. It was very hard in the beginning with transport, getting around in general was very difficult. So I chose a weekend and went walking around the neighborhood where I live. I don't know how long I'll stay here, but I thought I should check it out. Besides, I can wake up in the middle of the night and decide that I want to eat something that I don't have at home, so it's good to know if there are any stores or markets that open in the middle of the night (in this neighborhood there aren't any, maybe that's why I won’t stay here).

I discovered that going out there, although productive, wasn't such a good idea. Nothing wrong happened, I didn't get hit on or someone was rude to me. Quite the contrary, most people pretended they weren't even seeing me. The problem was that everything made me think about you.

I walked by the store that sold a lot of random old things and decided to go in. You know I love filling the house with trinkets. I didn't find anything there that I liked, but I saw that they were selling camera films. For a moment I forgot everything that had happened and all I could think was, I think Seokmin is running out of film, I need to buy more because he will only realize when he doesn't have any left.

I bought it and brought it to the apartment. I opened the door and called your name. It was only later, when I noticed where I was, that it wasn't our apartment, that I realized what I had done.

Even without meaning to, even when I try not to, I find myself looking for you. Everywhere. I go to a restaurant and think about what you would like to eat, I see a dog on the street and I imagine you bending down to pet it. It's not on purpose, I just can't help it. I try, but it's in vain.

I wonder if it will pass. Will this feeling that I succeeded in my career but ruined my personal life disappear or will I feel like this forever — or at least for a good few years?

yn.

It was as if all the air had been ripped from your lungs and there was no way in the world to get you to breathe.

Somehow, some way, Seokmin was standing in front of you, in the middle of the college hallway.

For a moment it was as if you had been transported back in time, to when you were still 22 years old. In another moment you would have simply run up to him and thrown yourself into his arms as if you hadn't spent the whole night clinging to him, as if you hadn't seen each other before classes, as if you hadn't shared the smallest space in the world on the subway for 20 minutes. And your body seemed to remember all of this, like some kind of muscle memory, because you felt like you were being projected forward. Towards him.

You thought Seokmin would talk to you, you were sure he would. But you saw the way his gaze changed, the way it went from complete surprise to a hard look, completely different from anything you had ever seen from him.

In your memory, Seokmin was always brilliant and was always willing to welcome everyone with open arms, even when he felt more shy. You didn’t understand, that look he gave you was completely different from what you imagined could happen.

When you made the decision to return, you knew that there was a possibility of meeting Seokmin, no matter how small it was. You didn't know if he was still friends with the same people, if he still kept in touch with them. You certainly hadn't kept in touch with anyone - except for the two times you talked to Joshua. The possibility existed, but being realistic you knew it was as big as winning the lottery.

Of all the places you thought you could find Seokmin, college was the last one and maybe that was even why you accepted the job. When you were taking the last tests, the ones that would say whether you would graduate at the end of the semester or not, Seokmin was categorical in saying that he would never set foot inside college again. So you thought it was a place he would never go, but there he was. And in your first week, when you needed everything to go well. Not to show that you were ready and that you could do the job, but to reassure yourself that you had made the right choice in accepting the job.

You didn't have time to decide whether to talk to him or not. Seokmin made the decision for both of you. He continued walking as if you weren't there, talking to the boy next to him, laughing. The only indication that he knew who you were was silent once and one that only you could distinguish.

He turned around and left as if nothing had happened.

Was it possible that only you had felt that way? That just your heart had decided it didn't know how to beat, as if a storm was raging inside your body?

You didn't have time to analyze what had just happened. You just forced yourself to take a deep breath and also keep walking as if those brief seconds weren't enough to make your entire world turn completely upside down.

Seokmin dragged his feet into the room, tripping over the rug at the foot of the bed. A curse came out of his mouth, followed by a burp. When he invited Chan to dinner he had no intention of ending the night drunk, being carried home like someone who had just had his first drink.

It had been years since he had gotten that bad and it was comical that the previous occasion was also connected to you.

The memory of leaving you at the airport, on a flight in the middle of the night, was still vivid in Seokmin's mind. Worse than that memory, was the one of you telling him that you had gotten a place in a master's degree on the other side of the world, 18 hours before leaving the country.

“I need to tell you something” you said as he pulled his coat over his head and patted his pockets, making sure he had grabbed his keys, wallet, and phone. He needed to leave as quickly as possible, he was already late.

Seokmin had plans to ask you to marry him. He had rented a house where you could spend the weekend, where it would be possible to see the stars. He had prepared himself, but he needed to leave right that second so he would have enough time to go to the house, get everything ready and come back to get you. The owner of the house would help him, since Seokmin decided that he wouldn't tell any of his friends because they might just ruin the surprise.

“I'm already late” he said, quickly looking at his watch. "Did something happen?"

He asked, noticing your already somewhat desperate look. He knew that whatever had happened couldn't be good.

To be honest, he had noticed that something was wrong a few weeks before, and for a while, he decided it would be better not to get into it too much. He knew you well enough to know that you would offer the information when you felt ready to do so. But thinking back on everything, he wished he had asked before, he wished he hadn't given you space, he wished he had forced you to talk to him sooner.

“I passed my master’s degree abroad”

Seokmin’s first reaction was to be happy for you. He knew how much you wanted that, that it was your dream. So he did what any boyfriend would do, he hugged you and congratulated you, told you that you had tried so hard and that they would be idiots not to accept you. The feeling was true and his smile was genuine. He was happy for you.

Knowing what he knew, every now and then Seokmin wondered if he would have done anything differently if he knew what the next words would be out of your mouth. He could have made a fuss, he could have begged you to stay, he could have offered to go with you. But at the time he didn't do any of that.

“I’m leaving today, I need to be at the airport at 11 pm”

Seokmin's ears rang deafeningly. It was as if he had been punched and needed to brace himself against something. The sofa was the closest piece of furniture.

He thought he heard it wrong, he wished he was dreaming, but all he had to do was look at you. It was true. It was as if a puzzle was being completed in Seokmin's mind. The way you had suddenly become distant, how every time he entered the room you hurried to change or close whatever you were looking at on the computer. He didn't even know you signed up. He imagined that you must have done some kind of test, some interview and he didn't even know anything about it.

He had no idea.

Had he been a bad boyfriend, someone who was so focused on making the long-awaited proposal that he had ignored everything else? Or had you hidden it so well that he hadn't noticed?

"What? You’re leaving today?"

It was like the world was spinning too fast and he was trying to keep up with what was happening. It was like being on a roller coaster that kept on falling. He remembered well how the little box with the ring he had carefully chosen weighed in his pocket.

“I didn’t even know you had applied for a position” he whispered, almost just to himself “You didn’t tell me”

And it was at that exact moment, when he looked at you, that Seokmin realized that your relationship was over. You avoided looking at him, your hands were buried deep in the pockets of your coat, which was his. He saw your eyes fill with tears, you swallow hard, and remain silent.

It was unlike you, to stay quiet when you had too many things going through your head. He desperately wanted you to talk to him, to tell him what had been going through your head. He just wanted to understand. Did you believe he would somehow stop you from going? If there was one thing he knew about you, it was the fact that you always put your education first. It wasn't a secret and you didn't want it to be. He just didn't expect things to happen that way.

Seokmin sat in front of the closet, on the floor, and with difficulty opened the doors. Deep in the back, behind several shoe boxes, were two old boxes that he hadn't moved in years. Part of him wished the things inside the boxes were ruined, that they had mold and anything else that could ruin its content. But he had been careful, kept everything in order, taken all necessary precautions, and cleaned the closet periodically.

He ignored the first box and pulled the smaller one towards him, placing it on his bent legs. Seokmin wasn't one to revisit those memories, he liked to keep them as far away from him as possible, but on nights like those, it was impossible.

Seokmin knew what he would find and was sure how he would feel, but he still took the lid off the box, but he didn't dare take out any of the items inside it.

He knew he had reached his lowest point when he was holding on to memories he had of you and not focusing on what was actually happening in his life.

Letter #3

Seokmin,

I talked to Joshua today. Talk is a bit too strong of a word. We exchanged a few words on Instagram. He posted a photo and I liked it, he sent me a DM asking if I was ok and how things were going. I lied, of course. He said everything was fine and he was happy. He didn't talk about you and I didn't ask.

It was very hard to contain myself. I want to know how you are. The more selfish part of my brain wants you to be just as bad as I feel. You know that little demon that sits on our shoulder? He assures me you're even worse. And I hate to think that's the case, but at the same time, I'm sure you're not okay. I know you, we dated for four years, we lived together for almost two years

You were always the more emotional one of the two of us. You were never afraid to show your feelings, not for me or anyone else. You always loved so openly, without any fear. I admit that at first, it scared me a little.

I was an 18-year-old girl who came from a family that had no idea how to show affection, so I was always more reserved in that aspect. And there you were with your beautiful, bright smile, with open arms, affectionate with anyone who came along. I thought you were a crazy person who didn't have the slightest notion of the world. It took a while for me to realize that your world was brighter than mine in ways I couldn't understand.

You were always so untethered, free, showing yourself to anyone who had eyes. When I was closed and more reclusive, you were open and expansive. When I was very shy or reserved, you were more charming and brighter than usual. Not even my worst mood, which seemed endless at times, was a problem for you.

One day you just showed up and decided that you would stay by my side, no matter what. Believe me when I say, I tried to push you away. But with each passing day you were further under my skin.

A kiss at a random party turned into a date at every party, parties became meetings at the college library, which led to coffee dates. One day you decided at the end of each date you had to take me back to the dorms and you kissed me for a long time on the side of the building where no one could see — or at least I made myself believe no one did. Then that alone wasn't enough and you were always with your fingers intertwined with mine, or your arm around my waist. And kisses were no longer reserved for empty streets, of course not. You kissed me anywhere, anytime, no matter who was watching.

You were sneaky, Seokmin.

When I realized it, I was in love with you. Your arms were my refuge. You were my safe space. My home.

yn.

You hated that Seokmin’s reaction, or lack thereof, had gotten to you so much. It was like being punched, and then one more, soon the punch became a beating and to finish with a flourish, it was as if a truck had run over you.

You had plans to go out at the weekend, though alone. Everything was so different, the places you knew no longer existed and friends from the past no longer spoke to you. You would have to rediscover the city without anyone's help. Despite your plans, you couldn't bring yourself to leave the house.

When you decided to return, you knew there would be no way to escape Seokmin. He had become successful not only in his career as a broadcaster but also as a celebrity of sorts. You never imagined you would see his face in magazines or on billboards selling fried chicken. You didn't expect that when you turned on the TV you would see his face in different programs.

In fact, you knew all of that was happening, but somehow you managed to convince yourself that you wouldn't have to see any of it. You managed to make yourself believe that you would not be haunted by his images and voice.

When you were away, you always listened to his programs, more than once each one, but it was almost like a relationship between fan and celebrity. You could separate very well what was him and what was you. But being there, in the same country, in the same city, it was much more difficult to make that separation.

Because once you were back, Seokmin was no longer just the radio host with a show about relationships. Far from it. Seokmin was your college sweetheart, the guy whose heart you broke but who, even after seven years, was still in love with.

That was the reality. you were still in love with him. There was no relationship in the world, no man in the world, that would have made you forget about Seokmin. Sometimes it worked, sometimes you managed to forget about him for a few months and that feeling of loss, of emptiness, that had settled deep inside your heart became smaller and smaller. And then it would come back full on as if it had never left.

Maybe that was your curse, your punishment for leaving behind someone you could have spent the rest of your life with. And somehow you knew you would have been happy. Or at least a different kind of happiness.

After spending the weekend holed up inside your apartment, after convincing yourself that you needed to prepare for teaching classes and unpacking the move, she decided that on Tuesday night she would explore the city.

Exploring wasn't the right word. You had discovered that one of your favorite restaurants still existed, it had just changed location. And, despite being on the other side of the city and being completely aware that you would have to pay a fortune for a taxi or risk taking the subway alone almost at closing time, you decided to go anyway.

You needed to feel like one thing hadn't changed, or at least still be recognizable.

You heard your name being called a few minutes after sitting down. You raised your head, recognizing the voice, but couldn't tell who it belonged to. Directly in front of you was a woman, with short hair, in her fifties.

“It’s really you!”

You stood up and a second later you were being hugged. Maybe you had gone there for that reason, knowing that there would be someone there who would recognize you. Or at least you hoped there was. And when you were welcomed with open arms by her owner, Niah, you wanted to cry for the first time in a long time.

“Hi” was all you could offer, your voice weak.

You quickly turned your face away, trying to be discreet as you wiped away your tears. The last thing you wanted was to cry in front of someone else. Tears were reserved for dark moments in the silence of your apartment, they weren't meant to be seen by people you didn't even know in a crowded restaurant.

“Look how beautiful you look. You haven't been around for so long. Seokmin told us that you had gone abroad to study, but I thought you would come back sooner.”

You just managed to smile, even though it was embarrassing. It was strange to hear his name coming out of someone else's mouth so easily. For years, his name was just an echo in your own mind, almost as if it were a fantasy of yours.

There were days when you managed to convince yourself of this, that Seokmin was nothing more than a dream.

“Are you just visiting or are you back to stay?”

“I'm staying” you said after a second, when you managed to find your voice again “I got a job here, I have nowhere to run”

Niah laughed and hugged you once again, tighter this time.

"Great, that makes me happy. We always miss you” Niah smiled and ran her fingers down your cheeks, brushing away some tears that were stubborn to fall “What do you want to eat? Today it's on the house. Consider it a welcome gift.”

You took a deep breath, swallowing the lump in your throat and the remaining tears.

"What do you recommend?"

The amazing thing about meeting Niah again was that she still acted exactly the same way. She didn't see you as someone who had simply packed a suitcase of clothes and left the country overnight. To Niah you were still that same person from 7 years ago who ate whatever she put in front of. You and Seokmin were always guinea pigs for all the new recipes.

The food was still wonderful, if anything it had just gotten better.

You had a fork halfway to your mouth when you heard the door open, the sound of the bell indicating the entry of a new customer. You almost instinctively turned to look. You choked on your own saliva when your eyes met Seokmin's.

It was as if you were back in the hallway that day. Your heart simply stopped, and the world fell into suspension. For a moment, it was as if you had been transported to the past. You were almost certain that if you looked at the table you would see books open next to the cutlery; you knew that if you looked at Seokmin for another second or two his face would break into the most beautiful smile, he would wave and call your name.

But your illusion shattered into small pieces as his neutral expression contorted into a frown. With the same foot he entered he turned to leave.

“Seokmin!” you called him, getting up from your chair.

Part of you thought he was going to continue out the door, but he stopped. Half of his body was outside the restaurant, the other inside.

“Hurry up and close that door!” Niah said leaving the kitchen “You’re letting out all the heat”

Even with Niah's voice calling him, Seokmin remained standing at the door. You sat back down, but without taking your eyes off him. He didn't know what he expected of him, but he felt an indescribable relief when Niah pulled him by the sleeve of his coat and forced him to sit in front of you.

“The restaurant is packed, so you will have to share a table” she said as she turned her back.

Seokmin shook his head, clearly against sitting there, staying in the restaurant, but he still took off his coat and hung it on the chair before leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest.

It was clear he was working out, his shoulders had gotten broader and his arms bigger since you last saw each other. You almost laughed at the pose, remembering all the times you had seen him in a similar situation. But this wasn't the time to laugh when everything else was screaming that he was uncomfortable with the situation, that he didn't want to be there.

It didn't take a genius to know that Seokmin wanted nothing to do with you. His reaction to seeing you in the hallway the week before and the way he was looking at you in that moment were enough answers.

You felt like the walls were closing in around you and there wasn't enough air in the room.

What were you thinking when you called his name? What were you thinking when you silently watched Niah pull him inside? Why were you still sitting there?

A waiter who worked with Niah passed by your table and you called him discreetly, not wanting to attract the attention of the restaurant owner.

“Can you wrap everything to go, please?” you turned to Seokmin “You can have the table. I was already leaving”

It was a lie, but he didn't need to know that.

Seokmin laughed lowly, scornfully, his sideways smile making the hair on your arms stand on end. In general, Seokmin has always been the type of guy who didn’t lose his cool easily, who would always rather let things go than have any kind of confrontation. But when he really got stressed out or nervous, it took a while for him to calm down again.

You had seen that storm in his eyes very few times in the years you spent together. The last one was when he went to the airport to say goodbye to you. That day the storm was just confusion and pain, you knew you had done that to him. But he sat there in the restaurant, in front of you, in silence while the people around him chatted animatedly, completely oblivious to what was happening between the two of you.

"What it was?" you rolled your eyes.

“Ah, nothing” he said, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture “It’s just like you to do that”

You narrowed your eyes at the same time you felt your cheeks get hot.

"Do what?"

"Runaway"

Letter #4

Seokmin, 

It took me almost a year to convince myself that it was okay for me to look at social media. I convinced myself that every woman does this, that every now and then we look at our ex-boyfriend's Instagram, just to find out if his new girlfriend is ugly. I've told you this several times, but every female experience is universal.

I wish you were one of those low profile people, who post a picture every 6 months and it's a cut mango on a pretty plate. I wish you hadn't posted so many pictures. But more than anything, I wish I hadn't spent hours and hours looking at the photos. I wish I hadn't been analyzing every photo of you, I wish I hadn't thought “that's a new mole” and wondered which others had appeared since the last time we saw each other.

I had memorized every mole of yours. On your face, on your arms, on your back. On the worst days, when I missed you in a way that almost made me give up everything and go home, I kept remembering each one of them. I tried to remember the sound of your laugh, your voice, how you stroked my hair until I fell asleep when it wasn't a good day.

I keep wondering if one day this feeling will just go away.

It's been a year since I left. I went out with other guys, and I almost dated one of them, but you're always there in the back of my mind, almost comically because even against my will I can't help but compare them to you. I can't help but think that only you know how I like my coffee, how only you know that if I'm in my worst mood, there's no joke in the world that can make me laugh.

I know it's not fair to them. I gave you the chance to get to know me, I allowed you to get closer. I wanted you to come closer to me. Now I wonder if you're doing this for someone other than me.

I like to imagine that you also compare other women to me, that even now that you're dating I stay there, in the back of your mind, making fun of you.

Unfortunately, she's not ugly, but your smile was brighter when I was next to you.

yn.

To say that Seokmin had spent the rest of the week in an envious mood was an understatement. He was stressed and everyone around him soon noticed the change. He really tried not to let his personal life get in the way of his work. It was something he never struggled with. Work was work, what happened when the lights went out and he left the radio should never cross paths with each other. That week, however, it was impossible.

Meeting you at the restaurant caught him off guard. That day in the college hallway had been difficult, but he managed to just keep walking as if nothing had happened. He liked to pretend like he hadn't gone out with Chan right after and drank like there was no tomorrow, like he hadn't opened the boxes he had kept for years and cried while looking at the photos of the two of you together.

He had gone to the restaurant that day because he needed some form of comfort and didn't want to call any of his friends because he knew he would end up telling them everything that happened and would receive advice and words he would rather not hear. The restaurant was the best idea he had. Or maybe the worst possible one.

Maybe he had done it consciously, because he wanted to see you one more time, and wanted to make sure he hadn't imagined you. It wouldn't have been the first time.

In the first few months after you left, Seokmin got into the habit of visiting places he went with you, or places you liked to go alone. It was probably a form of torture, but he liked to imagine it was a way to forget and overcome the breakup. On several of those days, he believed he saw you. He realistically knew it wasn't you, he clearly remembered seeing you get on the plane and waited until it took off to leave the airport.

The worst thing that could have happened to him was you calling for him. Seokmin couldn't help but wonder if he had always reacted that way to you, if your presence was always so great that before he even saw you he knew you were nearby. That day, as soon as he opened the door, before he even saw you sitting there with your eyes wide open, he knew. He knew you were there.

The last thing he expected from you was you saying his name, as if asking him to sit with you, that Niah, knowing how the relationship had ended, would have made him sit in front of you.

Seokmin noticed your discomfort, the way your spine had become a little straighter, the way your eyes were hard and cautious at the same time. Your reaction made him angry. What right did you have to behave that way, as if you were hurt when all the decisions regarding a relationship both of you were in had been made by you?

You were the one who signed up for a master's degree abroad. It was you who never told him about your decision. It was you who kept everything secret, making him believe that the two of you were on the same page and that despite your different goals, you would be able to pursue them together.

Turns out he was wrong, those dreams were just his and didn't include him.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Chan asked for the thousandth time.

For the first time in a long time, Seokmin was having a hard time hiding how he really felt. That polished, carefully carved mask had fallen. It was a completely atypical day and everyone was able to notice his sudden change in mood. Even Chan, who normally did a great job of ignoring all the problems around him and focusing solely on his work, seemed to be walking on eggshells around him.

“It’s really obvious, isn’t it?” Seokmin asked in a low voice and Chan just nodded "And if I pretend it's because of the new segment, will anyone believe it?"

Again, Chan nodded. Since he had started the program, 3 years before, Seokmin would receive calls and speak directly to listeners. Although there were always interactions, those were always done through live chat and email when he received questions or stories from people who were not listening to the program when it was airing.

Seokmin wasn't nervous about the idea, he was actually excited. Chan knew this and knew that whatever the problem was, it was still the same as the day of the lecture. He didn't want to ask, and he didn't want to seem invasive, but he still wanted to make sure Seokmin was okay — or at least, well enough to do the program.

“I think everyone is already thinking that” was a lie and even Seokmin knew it, but he was grateful.

“You may already know this, but today we will start a new segment. We'll call it the heart to heart helpline, at least until we find a better name at least” Seokmin's voice and laugh resonated through the taxi “We'll take your calls and some of you will be able to talk to me and ask your questions live, instead of by chat. Each person will have a maximum of 2 minutes and we will answer 6 calls today”

You had left the house completely willing to avoid anything related to Seokmin. Realistically, you knew you couldn't do anything about the billboards and his face at bus stops, but you could very well avoid his radio show. And for a few weeks you had managed to do just that.

That day at the restaurant had almost been a cathartic moment. Somehow, it was as if something had clicked and fallen into place. The Seokmin you left behind no longer existed. It had been a naive thought to think so. You didn't expect that he would still be exactly the same person, of course not. Seven years had passed and Seokmin, like you, was approaching his thirties. Obviously, many things had changed, but you still expected to see traces of that 22-year-old boy you had known and loved.

You didn't spend more than five minutes with him at that table. And it was much more than enough. He had accused you of running away, of continuing to do this for years. Of course, that could be his view on everything, but it was never your intention. The only problem was that you hadn't been able to tell him those things. You had been so lost and so completely helpless in front of him that you had forgotten that you knew how to speak and form sentences.

You had spent years of your life writing letters to him, letters that he would never read, but that was beside the point. You wrote letters as a way to appease the emptiness you felt in your heart. You never, not for a second, thought you were running away. You never wanted to run away, but Seokmin seemed to believe you did.

In a sudden burst of anger, you took your phone out of your bag and dialed the number Seokmin spoke on the radio. You didn't expect your call to go through. In fact, you didn't even know what you expected.

“Please wait a minute, we will connect your call” a non-robotic voice said as you paid for the taxi.

Seokmin was still chatting animatedly with a listener who didn't have a real question, but who “just wanted to say that I really liked your show and that I’m a fan.” It was impossible not to roll your eyes. If she, and everyone else, knew how much of a complete asshole he could be just because he had the opportunity, they would never want to see his face again.

Or maybe they would team up against you in favor of the immaculate Seokmin. God knew how easily a man could turn public opinion in his favor with a beautiful smile. And God was also a witness that Seokmin's smile was simply wonderful, one that took your breath away, one that made you smile along because it was contagious.

“Welcome to the heart to heart helpline” Seokmin’s voice sounded in your ear “What’s your question?”

You didn't really think that your call would get through to Seokmin, you didn't think the signal would be good enough inside the elevator, but none of that seemed to be a problem.

“Hello, can you hear me?” he asked.

You took a deep breath and closed your eyes. You knew you were going really crazy, but you decided to throw caution out the window and be the crazy person everyone used to believe you were.

“Yes, I’m here” you could have sworn, that even over the phone, you felt Seokmin tense up “It’s a question about an old relationship, we broke up years ago, if that’s okay”

You struggled with your keys, trying to unlock the door as quickly as possible. You needed to get to your computer or tablet, whichever was closer. It was almost a physical necessity to see Seokmin's reaction to your voice, your question.

You always knew how to tell if he was truly calm or if he was masking what he was feeling. You wanted to know if you still had any other sort of effect on him. Whatever it was, it was better than angry disdain.

“Old relationships should stay in the past, don’t you think?” he finally said.

You nodded as you ran into your room. You knew you would find the tablet under your pillow — you were sure that if your mother saw it she would say that your brain would explode due to the radiation from the device. With a few taps, you opened the stream of Seokmin's program.

“I think so. But the problem is that we keep seeing each other. I don’t think it’s something either of us want, but it seems inevitable.”

You turned the sound off, you just wanted to focus on his reactions. Seokmin swallowed hard, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes fixed on the microphone in front of him. To anyone, it just seemed like he was concentrating on the call, on what the person on the other end of the line had to say, but you knew very well that it was to hide his reactions.

"Your question?"

“Well, he called me selfish and said I ran away when we broke up, but that's not exactly what happened. I wanted to talk to him, but I don’t think he wants to listen to me.”

Seokmin took a deep breath and seemed to think about what to say next, his eyes no longer on the microphone, but on the ceiling.

“And why does he think that about you? You probably gave him reasons, don't you think? I don’t think anyone would think that about someone without anything having happened.”

“I always dreamed of studying abroad, so when the opportunity came, I went. I…"

“Did you tell him you were going?” Seokmin clenched his fists on the desk, his fingers gripped the pen in his hand tightly until his knuckles were white. “Did you give him a chance to say something or did you just walk away?”

You were speechless, eyes focused only on Seokmin. The way his hair perfectly framed his face, his sculpted thin nose. He was still exactly like he was seven years ago, just somehow different. He was the same, but he also wasn't.

You hadn't given him the chance to say anything, you had just walked away, but because you believed it was the best thing to do. You would have stayed if he had asked, I would have aborted all of your plans for him,

“Long distance relationships don’t work” you said finally, your voice lower “especially when there’s an ocean separating people”

“I'm going to guess and say that you were together for a while because I don't think anyone would care that much about a quick relationship” his voice became more sober, completely in control of his emotions, the opposite of what you felt,  like you were enclosed every second that passed “I agree with you, long-distance relationships don’t work. Different cities are already complicated, I can't imagine what it would be like to be with someone who lives in another country. You didn't give many details, but I believe he had reasons to feel that way, just as you had your reasons for leaving without warning. I think the best thing for both of you is to let it fall into oblivion. It makes no sense for either of you to dwell on these feelings. Maybe your desire to talk exists because you think you've left things open with him, but he may think that what's in the past shouldn't be remembered. Maybe you're just a bad relationship he wants to forget.”

Letter #5

Seokmin

I found out by chance that you now have your own radio show. One day it was an empty slot in the schedule and the next it was your voice. To my joy and delight, it was one of those programs that also had video streaming. I say joy and delight in a very ironic way.

But I'm not lying when I say I'm happy for you. You always said it was your dream and in a way, here we are, achieving our dreams. It would have been better if we could have lived through this together, I think. Maybe if that were the case I wouldn't have this empty feeling inside my chest.

But I discovered a long time ago that I can't keep crying over spilled milk. I left and you moved on with your life. They were conscious choices, I knew what I was doing. I knew that making this choice would have hurt both of us, but I also knew that we could overcome it. It's just taking longer than expected. I honestly thought that by this point, so many years later, we would have been able to live as if the past were just that, the past.

But it's not like that for me or for you.

I may be completely crazy, but your show is about love advice and how to deal with heartbreak. Sometimes, when I hear you talk, I'm sure you've already dealt with all your feelings, after all, you've had other girlfriends. But there are other moments, when you answer a question or when you read one of the pre-written texts when I'm sure that what you said applies directly to what we both had.

I'm going crazy, aren't I?

It's been four years since I left. I already finished my master's degree and started my PhD, exactly as planned. I have a date tonight with a guy who seems genuinely nice, but here I am, writing yet another letter that will never be sent to the guy I was in love with.

What am I still doing?

yn

Seokmin had always believed that for a relationship to truly end there must be no trace of it anywhere. When he told his listeners that they should get rid of items, it was not a lie. He was just terrible at following his own advice. The old story of do as I say, not as I do.

Finally, he decided it was time to take his own advice. With a little pain and resentment added to the mix, of course. At this point, he wondered if he could already be considered a masochist or if he still had a few boxes to tick to get the title.

Getting your address had been easier than expected. All he had to do was ask Niah, who offered the information without any resistance.

“Being thirty didn't make either of you any smarter,” she said as she leaned across the table and wrote the address on the napkin.

“Almost thirty” he felt the need to correct her, but decided he would ignore the hidden message in her words.

Seokmin never stopped going to Niah's restaurant. It was there that he had cried his sorrows over the cheapest drinks possible, he didn't have the money to pay for the good ones, while Joshua tried to console him. He had never seen Niah so stressed and angry. She hadn't said anything, but you could clearly hear the sound of her cutting the vegetables more aggressively than necessary.

Little by little she became calmer about the situation and started talking about you with the same affection as before. Seokmin always thought she had somehow kept in touch with you, or at least found a way to get your number or a way to contact you. At first, he had been angry, but somehow he believed he didn't have that right. It was only after a year that Seokmin decided to ask and the answer he received was “if I still had contact with her, I would have already screamed at her about disappearing without telling anyone”.

Asking Niah for your address was the only option he had. He refused to go to college, where you worked. He didn't know what would happen, whether you would be friendly with each other or the conversation would end in a shouting match just because. Because after years of no contact and considering the way things ended, it was pretty obvious that resentment could resurface — at least Seokmin had resentment up to his neck and knew that not releasing them all at once required almost inhuman self-control. 

He looked at the building one more time before getting out of the car. It was one of those without a doorman. Seokmin knew that if he rang and asked to be let in, the probability of being sent to hell was very high. So he pulled up his cap down and covered as much of his face as he could while he balanced the boxes on his arms.

He stood there like a madman for almost twenty minutes until someone finally left the building. Seokmin felt like he was committing a crime when he slipped through the door before it closed. Even though the feeling was strange he made himself believe it was the only option he had and he really didn't have any bad intentions. He just wanted to return your things and, hopefully, arrange that if you ever met again, you’d simply pretend you don't know each other, instead of talking nonsense to each other.

Seokmin took a deep breath once before knocking on the door. He heard footsteps and a second later the door opened.

When you imagined what your Wednesday night would be like, the only option that crossed your mind was to order a pizza and watch a movie — the random option of Netflix seemed like your best friend and the only possible option because you weren't even able to choose what to watch by yourself.

Not even in your wildest daydreams could you have imagined that Seokmin would show up at your door with two boxes in his hand.

You were partially tempted to close the door on his face, but you knew that doing so would only make the whole situation worse. If Seokmin, who clearly didn't have any good feelings about you, was standing there at your door it was because he had something to say. Or more precisely to hand it over to you, considering the boxes in his arms.

Silently you stepped aside so he had enough room to enter. You wanted to slap yourself for the complete war zone that your living room was in. You were still unpacking the moving boxes, not that you had taken much with you. It was too expensive to send things from one country to another, especially furniture. You had only focused on your clothes and books and a few things you wanted to keep, and that alone was more than you were willing to spend. In addition to the boxes, you had all the things you still had to buy, but you still didn't have the mind to do it.

You had so much going through your head that cleaning the apartment was just another task you wanted to avoid. But it was one that could be left for later. In the few minutes that Seokmin spent there, you wished you had tidied it up, that he hadn't seen how that room represented your life at that moment: a complete mess.

"What are you doing here?" you finally asked when you managed to get your vocal cords to work properly.

Seokmin didn't seem to care about the mess but paid attention to everything else around him.

He placed the boxes on the counter and took off his cap, pressing the brims with his fingertips looking for what to say next. He had rehearsed an almost poetic speech in the car, something about being adults and how your relationship had ended a long time ago, so neither of you should have any regrets left. But the moment you opened the door and looked at him it was as if all the words had simply evaporated from his mind, as if he had never learned to speak in the first place.

It had always been that way with you. Sometimes when he looked at you, even when you were still together, he got lost. He was like a man adrift who had finally found solid land. It was as if he heard a click and the world started to move once again.

One of his favorite things, when you were dating and living together, was being able to come home after an exhausting day and see you sitting on the sofa in the living room, your computer on your lap, while you studied, occasionally shouting profanities at the computer. On those days, Seokmin would simply push the computer away and lay his head on your lap.

“Just five minutes” he used to say with his eyes closed.

You’d laugh, fingers immediately running through his hair, as if it was the most natural movement in the world.

“Who do you want me to insult today? You know my vocabulary is very colorful.”

How many times had he slept in that position, without meaning to, and you had to drag him to bed because “it's comfortable for you, but my legs are numb and you have to take a shower, you won't sleep dirty next to me, sir”.

It was impossible not to wonder where it all went wrong.

“I came to return your things” he pointed at the boxes.

You suppressed the urge to bend down and rummage through the boxes. You wanted to know what he had kept, what he considered important enough to keep for so many years. You knew he no longer lived in the apartment you shared. When you were looking for apartments you saw that that one was up for rent. It was necessary to restrain yourself from choosing it. It wasn't a good apartment, at least not at the time — the photos on the website said the property had undergone renovations two years earlier and had no tenants since. It wasn't big, it barely fit one person, but it was what your extremely limited budget could afford at the time. Somehow you and Seokmin turned that small space into a home full of life. Of love.

In the places where you lived, you bought all kinds of trinkets to fill the space, furniture you didn't need and never used, hoping to imitate, for even a second, the feeling you had in that little 35 square meter apartment.

You never quite managed to do that.

“Thank you” you said sincerely “I thought all my things had gone in the trash”

You laughed and Seokmin squeezed the back of his head and pointed at the boxes.

“I sold what I could, I didn't want to put it in storage because I really thought we would never see each other again. The money is in an envelope”

“Why did you keep all this?” the words came out of your mouth before you could stop yourself “You should have thrown it away or, since you sold it, you should have spent the money”

Seokmin had asked himself that question several times before, sober or not, and he never had an answer. After a while, he simply stopped questioning and accepted it as something he had to do, to have some kind of sanity. It didn’t. Knowing that those boxes were inside his wardrobe, having to go through them the two times he moved, only brought back memories that he would like to forget.

Ever since you had seen each other again for the first time, memories that Seokmin had struggled to bury came to the surface as if they had just happened. He started to dream about you, dreams that range from memories to things that never actually happened, he started to wonder if it would be okay to talk with someone. His brain always screamed NO, so he was stuck just dreaming.

“I don’t have a good enough reason. It is what it is, I guess,” he said.

The last time Seokmin felt so embarrassed around you was right when you met and even then it only lasted a few minutes. The 18 year old Seokmin was much braver than the 29 year old man in front of him.

That boy, without any guilt or remorse, would have asked every question that could cross his mind. You’d say “your mind is beautiful, it even echoes sometimes”. Seokmin wanted to still have some of that boy's strength. Maybe that was the only way to know what he wanted. He wouldn't ask and he knew you wouldn't offer the information to him without being pressured.

“I think in the end, we both got what we wanted.”

You realized you said the wrong thing when you looked at Seokmin’s hands. A second before he was clutching his cap until his knuckles turned white, the next his long fingers were still. You didn't want to see the expression on his face. You knew what you’d find. You messed up, but couldn’t take back what you said.

“You got what you wanted” Seokmin corrected you, his voice firm, his tone hard.

“You always wanted to have a radio show”

“No, I wanted you. I could adapt to everything else if it meant I would have you.”

You shook your head. You knew it wasn't true. Hell, even Seokmin knew it wasn’t true. The first time you talked, Seokmin mentioned how much he wanted to be a radio host and have his own show, of any kind. I don't have a preference, I know I can give anything my own colors. You felt envious of his certainty, of the way he knew he could do it.

“The show has always been your dream” you tried again, despite knowing it was in vain to argue with him.

“My dream was to have a life by your side. You never, not once, told me that you signed up to study abroad, you never even mentioned it. When it was time to go you just got on a plane and disappeared. You never even gave me the chance to follow you. I could have been a journalist anywhere in the world”

Seokmin hated the direction of that conversation, hated being so exposed in front of you after so many years. In the past, it wasn't a problem. Before he wanted to be exposed in front of you, he wanted to share everything he was, every aspect of himself with you. No more. The problem was that he couldn't just stop. A gate was opened and there was no way to close it.

“So, what? Would we both be living based on our dreams? Because this is a dream, and you know it very well.”

You clung to the top rail of the chair, your head lolling forward in an almost futile attempt to stop him from seeing the tears forming in your eyes. You knew you couldn't hold them.

You weren't the type of person who cried often, you did what you could to avoid it, but when the tears came it was impossible to simply stop them from falling.

“Yeah, maybe I was really dreaming, because I believed that you loved me in the same proportion, but it’s quite obvious that you didn’t”

Seven years of pent-up frustration couldn't just disappear, he should have known. He should have imagined that going there would be a problem, that being in the same space as you without any kind of interference was a mistake. But he was still there and there was no way to escape. It was better to end everything quickly than to keep those feelings for another seven years in the hopes of one day being able to say something.

Seokmin watched as you went to one of the boxes in the corner of the room and opened it forcefully, tearing the cardboard, and causing some of the contents to slide across the floor. He felt his body freeze as a roll of film stopped at his feet.

“So explain to me, why do I buy a roll of film every time I pass by a store?” you put both hands inside the box and took out several rolls of film, of different brands and models. “Explain to me, why have I followed your career all this time and never missed a damn show in the last 3 years? Why would I wake up in the middle of the night to watch the broadcast and then listen to the show again while going to work because I just wanted to hear your voice?”

You walked to another box, but you opened this one a little more carefully as if wanting to protect the contents.

“Why did I spend 7 years writing letters that would never be read to a guy I never loved?”

You threw several envelopes at Seokmin’s chest. Your face and body shook out of anger or another feeling he couldn't quite tell.

Seokmin bent down to pick up one of the envelopes from the floor. His name was written in your careful handwriting. He didn't need to look at all the other ones to know that they were also addressed to him. He didn't know how many letters were scattered on the floor, or if there were any left in the box. The only thing he was sure of was that he had no idea how to proceed.

“If that doesn’t say I loved you, if that doesn’t say I still love you, I don’t know what the fuck does.”

Seokmin saw the first tear run down your face and fell silent. He knew he should turn his back, he knew he should walk away, just like you did seven years before. Instead, he took four steps in your direction, his eyes never left your heaving chest and the tears that ran freely over your cheeks. 

At that moment he knew that he only had two options: he could turn around and leave, he gave you back your things that alone made his plan a success; or he could kiss you like he had been wanting to since the moment he saw you again.

To hell with his plan.

Seokmin held your face in his hands and pulled you to him, crashing his lips on yours. It was an all too new feeling but also familiar, almost like coming to a remodeled home. It was him and it was you, if only it was just that simple. 

You sighed into him, your arms wrapping around his slim waist while your hand balled a fist full of his shirt. There were so many moments where you wished you could be right in that spot, again in his arms. Dreams and daydreams, wishful thinking, whatever you could call it. Thoughts of Seokmin had always been a constant in your mind. It was impossible not to compare other people you went out with to him. 

Your longest relationship had been one of almost a full year. Although the beginning had been good and easy, with you somehow managing to avoid any and all Seokmin related dreams and thoughts, it turned sour the second he crossed your mind.

“Seokmin, I…”

He shook his head and pressed his forehead to yours, eyes so intense that it was difficult to keep looking at him. 

“Let’s not overthink it, okay?” was all he said. 

You held his face for a couple, searching for something in his features, anything at all, that could indicate that the moment wasn’t for that. But all you saw in him was the same emotions you felt, the same need and desire. 

You pulled Seokmin to you again, this time hungrier, your chest pressed to his. Your mind was loud telling you all the reasons why you shouldn’t be doing that, why having him so close to you was truly the most dangerous situation you could possibly put yourself in. But all of those voices, all of those words and thoughts were silenced the moment he kissed you again. 

His lips were hungry, demanding all of you. And it was so easy to just give in to him, to his hands roaming on your body, down your back until he reached your ass. He gave it a light squeeze and ran his hand back up again, this time under your shirt. You moaned softly at the contact of his skin on yours, as he kissed your neck, bitting on the exact same spot he found years before. 

He smiled over your skin. 

“At least this hasn’t changed”

It was all too much but not nearly enough. Just having him that close to you was dizzying enough but him touching you and enjoying the fact that you were just as weak for him at twenty nine made you never want to let go of him again.

“Where’s your room?”

You took Seokmin by the hand, guiding him through the narrow corridor. 

Your room was barely a room to begin with. You had no furniture except for the mattress lying on the floor, your clothes were either on the suitcase or on the chair on the side. 

“This is unlike you” Seokmin said, his chest pressed to your back while he nibbled on the skin of your neck. 

“I… hm… I” you sturred a little when he bit into a particularly sensitive spot, making him chuckle “I’m waiting on delivery”

Seokmin turned you around in his arms while lightly pushing you down on the mattress. His eyes never left yours as he ran his hand under your shirt, moving the fabric up until your chest was exposed. 

It had been so long since you had been with anyone, it was almost like a reflex to want to pull your shirt back down. Since him, it had been hard to just let yourself be exposed to someone like that. You had become awfully aware of your body and things you never cared for or paid attention to before suddenly became worries. You didn't like that insecure version of yourself but when Seokmin cupped your breast in his hand his touch was almost solemn. 

It was probably the worst timing in the world when you felt tears burn on the back of your eyes. You pulled his face to yours again, trying to hide your tears from him once again. 

Suddenly, his touch was tender when he pushed a few strands of hair away from your face, his fingers careful. 

Seokmin moved down on your body. When you saw his fingers on the waistband of shorts you lifted your hips off of the mattress to help him move the fabric down quicker. 

He kissed your hips and inner thigh. You moaned in anticipation, your hand taking a fist full of his soft hair. When his lips finally found your clit it was like fireworks erupted behind your closed eyelids.

Seokmin was impossibly hard in his pants, embarrassingly so like he was a teenager having his first time. 

He never thought that he would have you in his arms again and yet there you were in front of him, no reservations. Just for him. And for a moment it was like his brain was in short circuit, the small electric waves running all over his body, down to his toes. 

He licked a path from your cunt to your clit. He went down on you almost in desperation, his nose brushing on your clit every now and then. 

"Seokmin..." his name was barely a whisper in your lips, but it was also a chant. 

Your orgasm hits you quickly, leaving you short of air and with shaky legs. You were spiraling in the most enticing way possible. It didn't stop Seokmin though as he kept sucking you frantically. 

You tugged on his hair, pulling him up and to you again. 

I love you,  the words almost fell out of your lips. It would have been so easy to just say them, to be open about your feelings just this once. 

Deep down you knew that that moment would be a one time kind of thing. It was just the kind of moment people sometimes needed to just completely let go of everything. Or in this case, nothing. It was to let go of seven years of complete nothingness and silence.

You opened the button of his jeans and pushed it down, his boxers following along. You wrapped your hand around his cock, pumping him a couple of times. Realization suddenly came over you. You never expected Seokmin to show up to your place, much less that it would lead to that moment, and there wasn't anyone else in your life, so you weren't ready for it. 

"I don't have a condom" you said breathlessly.

Seokmin looked lost for a second, his brain going to his wallet, questioning whether or not he had one in him. 

"I can pull out," he said "if that's okay"

All you did was nod and Seokmin aligned himself with your hole. He pushed in slowly, savoring each moment when your pussy pulled him in until there was no space between the two of you. 

Seokmin kissed you again to give himself time to adjust to you squeezing him. You held his face close to yours, in your eyes a mix of emotions he didn't want to understand. Not in that moment at least.

"I don't want anyone else," you said looking into his eyes, your thumb running over his bottom lip "No one else can make me feel the way you do"

To hell with care and self-preservation. You let go of those the moment you opened the door for him, the moment you let him into your home, the moment you didn't push him away when he kissed you. 

Seokmin fucks you slowly, his pace torturous as you beg and beg for more. He intertwined his fingers with yours and held one of your hands above your head while the other one held your hips in place. 

"Seokmin... harder"

And it's like a switch has gone off inside his brain. His once slow pace becomes shallow. The sound of your breaths and his skin slapping against yours were the only ones heard, echoing through the empty room. 

Your orgasm sneaks up on you, catching you so off guard you scream because it's too much. 

You pushed Seokmin away and watched in ecstasy as he wrapped his hand around his cock, his hand working fast as your name left his lips when his release fell on the sheet by your side. 

Seokmin dropped his body over yours again, his forehead on your shoulder. You closed your eyes and ran your hand over his hair. 

"I love you" you allowed yourself to say, even if it meant nothing to him. 

Letter #6

Seokmin,

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm coming home. Or the closest thing I still have to a home. Needless to say, my mother is happy with the news. She's been tormenting me for years, asking me to come back, but since I set foot here I decided I wasn't going back.

I wanted to, but I wouldn't go back.

Every time I thought about going back, the first thing that came into my head was the last image I had of you. Your teary eyes wishing me a safe flight, saying I love you and hope you accomplish everything you want. I regretted it the moment I gave my things away and handed my passport into the hand of the airline girl. I should have come back, I should have given up, but I couldn't. That old story of putting myself first and second, you know how it goes. In this case, my entire top 10 was just different versions of me.

I think I actually felt scared because as time went by, little by little without me realizing it right away, you became a very big part of my life. A part that could change everything. I felt like I depended on you too much. It wasn't fair to you or me.

We were only 22, Seokmin. When we were so young, we thought that life was conquered and today I know that is not the case. Far from it. At 22 I had a degree and worked part-time at a cafe to pay the bills, just like you.

You might think I'm selfish, I'm sure you do based on the things you say on your show. I was selfish and on some level, I don't regret it. I did what I always planned to do, what I always wanted to do. And now I'm coming home.

Part of me wants to run and find you, explain why I made the decisions I did, why I never told you. But I know you won't want to listen to me. I wouldn't want to listen to me either. Why would I listen to someone who left just like that? It really wouldn't make sense.

But another part, this one a little more rational, says that I shouldn't throw salt into the wound after so many years have gone by. I have the scar here, hidden enough for no one to see, but prominent enough for me to remember what I did every single day.

I think that's what I'm going to do. I think that's what I have to do. It wouldn't be fair to just show up in front of you and say “hi, I'm back” after seven years.

You have become a big “what if” for me. What if I had stayed? Would we have stayed together or would our relationship have ended years ago? What if I had told you what I was doing while I was doing it? Would you have asked me to stay? What if I had given the possibility of a long-distance relationship? Would we have worked out or would you start to resent me for leaving and end up hurting each other anyway?

The most absurd thing is that I still like you, I'm still in love with you. I've always heard that distance makes love end or something like that. I haven't seen you in seven years, I don't know what's going on in your life — you're really good at hiding everything being a celebrity now — so it doesn't make any sense that my feelings haven't changed even after all this time. This guy I see online might not be the Seokmin I fell in love with, just like I'm not the same person you remember.

Every time I hear your voice I still feel butterflies in my stomach. I sleep and dream about you. When I wake up I think about you and I wonder if you think about me too. It is not normal. It's not healthy. Life went on and I think it is our obligation to move forward together. We are not a museum to only feed on the past.

Let's continue as we are now, what do you think? We will once again be in the same country, in the same city, but I think it's best for both of us to pretend that nothing will change. It's a huge city, what are the chances of us meeting?

yn

Before you even opened your eyes, you already knew what you would find. Or who you wouldn't find. You knew the space next to you on the mattress would be empty. You had noticed the exact moment Seokmin had gotten up, but you forced yourself to believe that he had just gone to the bathroom. You had kept your eyes closed and had somehow gone back to sleep.

You had been naive to think that the night had changed something, that the way everything seemed like it would be fine was an indication that things had finally gotten back on track. If any, the train simply ended up derailing.

When Seokmin kissed you it was magical, no matter how cliché and teenage it may sound. It was as if the world had fallen into place again, as if you had finally returned home after being away for so long. You couldn't help but wonder if that was why you'd taken the job, in the foolish, unconscious hope that there might be a chance, however slight, of being with him again.

You forced yourself to sit up and pulled the sheet up to cover your naked body. The shirt and shorts you wore the night before were next to you on the floor, but you refused to wear those clothes, opting to rummage through the boxes in the corner of the room looking for clean ones.

You didn't want to go to the living room, didn't want to be mocked by the two boxes that Seokmin had left on the counter, but you couldn't help it. It was as if your feet had a life of their own. When you realized it, you were already sitting on the living room floor with the two boxes in front of you.

You momentarily decided to ignore the smaller black box and pulled the large one closer. The first thing you saw was the envelope Seokmin mentioned the night before. Money, especially the one in the envelope, wasn't something you were going to worry about. You didn't care about it, you didn't lie when you told him that he should have spent it. That money would remain untouched.

There were also a few books you read and made annotations on, two stuffed animals, and all the picture frames you had left behind.

One of the things you regretted the most was not taking with you when you left were photos of you and Seokmin. You had only taken one, which was folded inside your wallet. It was already so old and worn out that it had almost turned to dust, but you would never get it out. It was you and Seokmin at Niah's old restaurant, he was smiling at the camera while you looked at him. It was your favorite picture.

At the bottom of the box was the camera you had given Seokmin as a birthday present a few months before you left. You had saved whatever money you could for months to buy him the camera he wanted, one that he always talked about and whenever you passed by a store you stood outside looking at it, almost as if it would magically appear in his hands.

You understood his reasons for leaving the camera there — or, at least, the reasons you could imagine—but you wished he had kept using it. Not because it was a gift from you, but because it was something he wanted. His smile was so big when you gave it to him, the tip of his nose slightly pointed down because of it.

Carefully you put everything back inside and put it aside.

The smaller box, for some reason, was scary. It was light and black, and you could hear its contents moving as you held it in your hands. You took one last deep breath and removed the lid.

Inside were photos you had never seen before. Photos of you alone, Seokmin wasn't in any of them. In none of them were you posing or smiling directly at the camera.

Most of them had been taken from a distance, without you noticing. In some you were inside the cafe where you worked, smiling at customers and serving tables, in others you were simply walking down the street, looking through window shops and pointing at something. Seokmin had taken countless photos of you without you even realizing it.

It was strange to see yourself through his eyes, even if it was a version of you that no longer existed. A much younger and more optimistic version. Did I smile that much? you couldn't help but ask. You never saw yourself as particularly optimistic or constantly smiling. You were happy, that's undeniable, but you didn't know that's how people saw you.

There were so many photos, from completely different moments, both from the beginning of your relationship with Seokmin, and from all the phases you went through together.

Behind the pictures were the post-its that you left around the apartment, reminding Seokmin of somewhere you had together or simply saying that you loved him. So many had a simple “I love you” written on them, others said “have a good day today!”.

You had no idea he had kept them. You always thought that once read, they were discarded, but there they were, intact as if you had just written them.

The very first one you had ever written, when you had just started dating, was also there. At the time, unlike Seokmin who never had a hard time expressing how he felt, it was almost impossible for you to be openly honest. So you wrote it on a post-it and stuck it inside one of his notebooks. He had shown up at the dorm a few hours after you left the library.

“Say it again, but this time looking at me”

You frowned, pretending you didn't understand.

“Your nose is beautiful”

You laughed when Seokmin wrapped his arms around you, squeezing a little, trapping your arms close to your body. His face was very close to yours.

“What you wrote in the note” he said softly, his cheek pressed against yours “Say it again, please”

The truth was that you had loved Seokmin, in a way you didn't believe was possible and maybe that was why you spent the last seven years writing letters to him.

Seokmin never left your mind, not truly. There was always a desire, even if veiled, to return home, to find out how he was, to just say “I know I messed up, I’m sorry”.

It was that desire that made your entire body go cold as you took one last item out of the box. A smaller box that fit in the palm of your hand. You knew what it was before you even opened it and opening it was the worst choice at that moment. Your heart, which was already broken, somehow managed to break even more, into a billion, shiny, new pieces.

Seokmin would have proposed if you hadn't left.

When the first sob echoed through the living room, you didn't try to hold it back, you just accepted the feeling of being absolutely lost and heartbroken.

The weather outside the building seemed to mimic the way you had felt in the last few weeks, torrential rain that had no end in sight. You watched the news hoping for an improvement, hoping that the rain would stop for at least a few hours, but it seemed like a distant dream.

All your students were already gone and there was nothing left for you to do. The handed in assignments were graded and the tests were ready to be applied the following week. You had never hated yourself so much for simply doing your job. You wanted to be, at least for that day, like other teachers who left corrections until the last possible second and left students desperate for their grades.

The hallway was in complete silence, a clear sign that everyone had left already. And you had already waited hours for the rain to stop, until the sky was completely dark, and if anything the rain had only gotten worse.

You sighed and picked up your bag from the chair. You wouldn't risk taking any books, papers, or documents home, the possibility of everything getting ruined was too big. Besides, you needed a rest, at that point it was well deserved.

Ever since you had opened the boxes Seokmin left behind, you had immersed yourself in work in every way possible. You had accepted all of the dean's requests and even offered to teach extra classes whenever there was a missing professor.

And even so, even though you had more work than you wanted, you still found time to look at all of his social media. You still listened to all his programs, even listened to the old ones before going to sleep.

It was almost like a form of elaborate torture done solely and exclusively with you in mind. And worst of all, it was self-inflicted. It was as if your brain liked it, begged for it.

The box with the engagement ring was next to your pseudo bed. It was the last thing you saw before going to sleep and the first thing you saw when you woke up. Instead of spending hours on your phone, you sat there, staring at the small box.

You hadn't dared to open it again. You had never felt so lost as you did that day, looking at that ring.

You wouldn't be a hypocrite to say that you had never imagined your life if you had married Seokmin, but before it was nothing more than a daydream. The ring made that dream an attainable reality. It had been in your hands and you just walked away.

A curse left your lips when you noticed that the umbrella you had used that morning was missing from the umbrella holder next to the door.

“Great, that’s exactly what I needed” you muttered, slamming the door shut behind you.

You were tired, exhausted to tell the truth. All you wanted was to get home, take a shower, and watch some relationship reality show, to escape the tragedy that was your own love life.

You closed your eyes and sighed as you reached the entrance. The next bus stop or subway station was at least a 15 minute walk away. That was a problem that existed when you went to school there, everything was far away. One would think that they would do something to improve that, but one would be wrong.

You thought about taking shelter in the nearest coffee shop, but you knew it was almost closing time. You wouldn't be the person who forces employees to stay late, not when you had worked at that exact coffee shop years ago.

Even with your heavy coat covering most of your body, the rain was cold on your back and it was hard to see anything ahead, even if it was just a few steps away. Even the sound of cars was muffled by the rain.

“yn?” a car was on your left, and it was moving at the same speed as you. The face of whoever was behind the wheel was blurred by the rain, but you would have recognized that voice anywhere in the world.

“Let me give you a ride”

You shook your head. The last thing you should do was get in the car with him. It was too dangerous, you were sure that if you looked at him for more than a second you’d start crying. Just by hearing his voice your eyes were burning and a lump was forming in your throat.

“It’s fine, the bus stop is right there”

“There was an accident back there, the bus won’t be here anytime soon”

You grumbled. Of course, there was an accident, of course, there wouldn't be a bus and with your luck, the subway would probably be closed too.

"If your car went through the accident, a taxi will too”

You quickened your pace, not because of the rain, but because you wanted to get away from him. You needed to get away from him.

“Jesus, yn, just get in the car. You’re going to get sick”

You pretended you didn't hear what he said and kept walking, face down – trying to escape both the rain and him. The first tear fell from your eyes. For the first time in days, you were grateful for the rain, because you could pretend it was just water and not a visual representation of your broken heart on your cheeks.

Seokmin stopped the car right there, in the middle of the street. He didn't care if someone was standing behind him honking like crazy — something that was bound to happen.

When he left your apartment that day he felt like he was 22 again, but this time he was the one leaving.

Hearing that you loved him was everything he had wanted, but the timing was strangely right and wrong, both at the same time.

Both of you screamed, shouted, and said what you wanted to say — or at least part of what you wanted to say. A weight had been lifted from his shoulders, at the same time a new one was placed on it.

After you fell asleep in his arms, the only thing Seokmin could think about were the letters scattered across the living room floor. There were so many. He couldn't believe you had spent all those years writing letters to him.

He needed to read them all. He would have done it in the living room, but he didn't know what awaited him, so he collected them all from the floor and a few more that had been left in the box and left.

He read the first one in the car, he couldn't wait until he got home. 

Seokmin cried right there, the same way he cried when you left. Inconsolable. His heart broke and healed in equal measure with every word of yours he read.

Seokmin always believed that you left like that, without a single word, because you didn't like him that much, because you didn’t want to be with him anymore. Not that he thought the entire relationship had been a lie, but he thought that somehow the love had ended. It happened to everyone, the probability of it happening to him was also high.

The truth could not be different. There wasn't a letter in which you didn't say you loved him, not always in those words, but he knew you well enough to know that was what you said.

After reading all the letters, Seokmin called Joshua. He cried on the phone with his friend and then once again when he showed up at his place with bad beer and takeout food. “Since we’re going to talk about our college days, I think we should do the same thing we did back then” was all he said.

Seokmin was on his way to you when he saw you walking without an umbrella. He wanted to talk to you, to know if even after so long you still wanted to try with him one more time. It was better to try than to always wonder what could have been.

“I read your letters!” he shouted louder than the rain.

His words were enough to make you stop walking, but you still didn't turn to face him. It was too hard to breathe. Your chest rose and fell irregularly each time you tried to pull the air in.

You knew Seokmin had taken the letters. Part of you knew he would read them, but the last thing you expected was for him to want to talk about them.

“I know” you said when he approached “I saw they were gone, and you were the only person who came by”

“Do you know why I accepted to host a love advice show? Besides it being something I've always wanted, of course” he didn't give you time to answer “Because a part of me wanted you to listen, to know that I was okay, even if it was a lie. I thought that if I talked about it on a show that had used the nickname you gave me, you’d regret it. I thought that I should make you regret it because it was the only way I could still think about you without looking like a fool after so long. I thought you didn’t care, that you had left because you didn’t like me anymore, so making you regret your decision was the only option I had”

You shook your head. It wasn't true, not by a long shot.

“I'm sorry” you said softly “I should have told you what I was doing, that I had applied for the and got in. I thought it was my only option. It was so stupid. I was so stupid”

Seokmin laughed a little, fingers running under your eyes. A second later he pressed his lips over yours.

“I know, I read your letters”

Seokmin,

It's been a good few years since I wrote you a letter. After a while, I didn't think I needed it anymore because I started saying everything I wanted, everything I felt, looking at you. Of course, this new arrangement has its demerits, as the paper and pen don't look at me like a lost puppy. But paper and pen don't kiss me either, so it has its bonus.

I thought when I came home four years ago, I would never see you again. I thought you would just be the guy who has a radio show that I would listen to every now and then. I didn't expect to see you my first week back and again and, well,  again.

As you probably know, I've never been a big fan of rainy days. I always preferred sunny days because those were the days I woke up ready to face the world. I felt better overall. But also because they reminded me of you. You know, when the sun appears after gray days? For me, you were always like that. Grand and brilliant.

But after that day, I started to like rainy days too because they started to be full of the two of us. Rain was no longer synonymous of an unproductive day, but rather of the memory of our fresh start.

You know this, we've talked about it a few times, but I spent a few months waiting for it to sink in. Sort of expecting that one day I would wake up and it would all be a dream. It was hard for both of us, I know. It was seven years of hurt and resentment and we had to navigate this uncertain sea without a map. Nobody teaches you how to do this, believe me, I looked. I found countless books on how to start dating, how to save a relationship, and how to get over a relationship. The problem is that none of them teach you how to rekindle a relationship after seven years apart, but during those seven years one of the parties wrote letters and the other had a program just to mourn the sorrows of the relationship.

I've read several, so you can trust what I say on this.

It really wasn't easy, but I think we came out better, stronger, in some way.

I love you and I’ll tell you that every day for the rest of our lives. Our forever begins today, in a little while. So stop crying, put ice on your eyes to help the swelling go down, and go to the aisle because I miss you already.

I love you.

yn

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[avidfics]

Bully Sevika x reader

summary: In high school you had the biggest crush Sevika and in return she bullied you for years. Now in college you just wanted your distance but Sevika won't let you leave

warnings: nsfw, toxic sevika, slight humiliation, fingering, and some cuddles :)

Your palms kept sweating. For the fifth time this night you wiped them on your tiny jean skirt as you mustered the courage to step into the sorority house that was already in full swing of a party. The music bass was felt all the way to the front lawn where you anxiously stood in place, observing party goers completely at ease - if not a bit drunk - enjoying themselves. Opposed to you who felt totally out of place and uncomfortable. Your shoes scuttle against the sidewalk as you begin to turn away to leave when your name is sung over the chaos of the night. 

A warm, friendly hand grabs yours, turning you back to the house. Your first and only college friend's face is beaming at you with hazy eyes and smiling in a carefree way that can only be achieved with cheap liquor. “If you leave I’ll never forgive you.” she joked, dragging you away from your beloved sidewalk and into the house, immersed in the crowd of sticky bodies. 

You both maneuver to the kitchen. Your friend hands you an unopened can of beer. “That’s going to taste like warm pee but drink it anyway. I know you get nervous around new people because of your high school days but you’re no longer there. You deserve to have a freaking good time”

You smile and repeat those words, “I deserve to have a good time.” Yet, as the warm liquid hits your lips the words seem to float away, as if they didn’t carry any weight. Even though you were a grown college student, in your heart you were still that lame, timid high schooler under the thumb of your always present bully. The girl’s name sent a shiver through your body. 

Sevika. 

The fact that you were once infatuated with her was now almost humorous. Once upon a time, you were just a doe-eyed junior high student spying on the infamous 8th grader as she played basketball with the boys. Unlike your demure nature, she was crass, rough, and walked with a heavy gait that didn’t question her right to be wherever she existed. She spotted you, peaking through the bleaches, and snickered. Two fingers flagged you over and you trotted  over to her as if pulled by a powerful invisible string. For the next hour she ignored the boys, as her undivided attention was spent teaching you how to dribble. “How long you been spying on me? You like me or somethan.” her mocking voice cut through the boys laughter and made your face flame at the attention even as you mumbled your feeble denial. 

“You hear that guys?” she yelled. “Little mouse has a crush on me.” At the time, you remember how warm your heart felt as you gave her an impish smile. Too idiotic to realize she was making fun of you. And that would be the nicest she’d ever be to you.

Once you entered high school, something switched. Any tender affection you had offered to Sevika, she took and crumbled within her fist. The whole neighborhood understood that you were nothing more than sevika’s toy. Every day brought on an onslaught of bullying as she’d call you names, made you carry her books and sports equipment behind her like a lackey, publicly humiliated you, and isolated anyone who dared to befriend you. 

Hundred of miles separated you from Sevika, and yet, her shadow followed you. Taking another swing of the warm beer, you decide to not let clouds of her abuse ruin your present life. “Let’s have some fun!” No other encouragement was needed as your friend took your hand and immersed you into the moving bodies swaying to the music. Hands grip your waist from behind, and a quick glance revealed a pretty girl with a nice smile. A buzzing bud of interest lights your lower belly and you commence sensually swaying your hips in her grasp. A small thought in the back of your head teases that her touch is lacking in comparison to Sevika’s.  

Your friend turns around and shout, “Lets head downstairs. I hear that’s where all the hot upperclassman hang out.” The new girl behind you chuckles. “I suppose that’s true. My friends are down there.” Her hand drags you away from the dancing bodies. “I’ll introduce you guys.” A delighted squeal leaves your friend as she follows. 

Truthfully you had no interest in meeting hot upperclassmen. A pair of mocking dark eyes flash in your mind. You took another swing of your beer. Needing the fuzzy feeling to intensify your mellow feelings of attraction for the sweet girl in front of you. 

The basement was dim and thick with the smell of weed. Here you could see the girl more clearly. She was attractive, but all your bleary eyes pointed out was how she lacked the qualities of a certain bully. 

“Like something you see?” her words coaxed you closer to her warm body. “Maybe.” you laughed and took a step closer, in hopes to finally reclaim your sanity, you gently planted two hands on her cheeks and pressed a slow kiss to her lips. Yet as you closed your eyes, you couldn’t help imagining you were kissing the girl that drove you crazy from miles away…. In fact, if you listened closely, you could’ve sworn the raspy voice was present in the same room.

“Mouse?” 

The world came to a halt. The foreign lips continued to press against yours, not realizing your body was frozen in place. The boisterous laughter that demands attention from everyone in the room confirms your greatest fear. The girl keeps her hands planted on your waist as she turns with the rest of the room to a dark corner of the room where a group of upperclassmen lounged against a torn mattress. And in the middle, taking up much room with her corded arms propped up against the couch and jean-clad legs spread indecently wide, sat Sevika. Eyes trained on you with a salacious smile on her lips as if she just spotted her favorite prey. 

And despite yourself, you felt like prey under the fierce stare of Sevika. Her reputation must’ve already made its way on campus because tension held the entire room in nervous anticipation. 

“My little mouse is at a party?” Her mocking voice carries across the room. “I wanted to surprise you but had no idea my timid girl would be at a party.” Her words dangle in the air. Her eyes flicker to the girl next to you whose hands now felt like a hot brand against your waist. A familiar hardened look flashes across her hooded eyes. “Looks like my little mouse has grown up.” 

“Erin.” The name is like a whip across the room. The girl you were just kissing jumps, startled by the sudden attention. A nervous gulp is audible as she receives the full force of Sevika’s attention. “Seems you’ve welcomed my girl to campus.” Your lips burn at the reminder. “Don’t stop on my account. Shit, keep going. I’ll even allow you to sit on the bench for the rest of the basketball season so you and my girl have plenty of time to get acquainted.” 

The mystery girl snatches her hands off your waist and stuffs them in her pocket. “Sorry” is mouthed from her lips as she backpedals and runs up the stairs out of the basement. 

Embarrassment engulfs your entire being as you’re left standing alone. 

“Was it something I said?” People all around you laugh along to Sevika’s joke. “Luckily, I’m a lot nicer than our benchwarmer. Come here.” Two fingers beacon you over just like how this all started years ago. 

All that work you’ve done to repair your confidence and self-respect shrink with every minute you spend in Sevika’s all consuming presence. Because no matter how much you hated her, every molecule in your body craved her affection with a fierceness that was frankly frightening. 

She had bullied you, humiliated you, and made your high school years a living hell and yet when she left for college you missed her for every day she was gone. 

Your knees trembled as you stepped forward to where she sat. A hand from behind grabs your elbow, halting your steps. Your friend’s worried eyes plead with you. “Don’t go. She’s no longer in control.” It’s your turn to apologize as you give her a weak smile. “She’s always been in control. I’m fine so just go. I’ll see you in class.” You peek at Sevika and see her jaw clenched. If your friend didn’t leave soon she would start her year off on Sevika’s shit list. 

The faint sound of your friend’s retreating footsteps multiples the shame weighing against your head. Even worse was the eyes tracking your humiliating defeat as you hang your head down. Finally your shoes touch the toe of her leather boots. Those two damn fingers catch your eye as they tap her thick thigh. 

There was zero hesitance as you complied like a dutiful toy and stepped in between her legs and quietly propped yourself slightly on her thigh. 

A sharp scoff is your only warning as you’re hoisted easily in her arms and placed snugly in the warmth of her embrace. Your breath hitches at the close contact, taking the chance to finally look up at her face. You don’t expect to see the fierce way she watches you.  Her eyes stayed on you as she asked the room, “Looks like little mouse enjoys her new seat, huh?” A choir of jeers rang out in agreement. Her lips caress the shell of your ear and in a quieter voice asks, “Isn’t that right? You’ve been missing your place on my lap, huh?” When you don’t immediately respond a heavy hand lands on your thigh. Heat captures the spot where her heavy hand clamps the flesh of your bare thigh. A tiny whimper escapes your lips and is muffled into her shoulder. An ache that was left empty for years was abruptly filled with that one little touch.

And from the heated look Sevika had, she might’ve felt the same way “Everyone out!” she commanded. There were a few murmurs but everyone obeyed and stumbled out of the room. Ever impatient, Sevika hoisted you up, even as people were still leaving, till you faced forward in her lap, legs parted to rest on either sides of her hips. The new position should’ve given you power yet as she lounged below you, as comfortable as ever, there was no doubt who held the power in this situation. “Let’s have a look at you.” Her blatant scan of your body was disrespectful yet your nibbles pebbled as her gaze lingered. “Did you miss me, doll?” The question was said casually but the earnest yearning was obviously visible in her expression. 

“Did I miss you tormenting me for years? The humiliation?” The alcohol must’ve been making you braver tonight because you scoff and crossed your arms underneath your exposed cleavage. “No, Sevika, I hate you for every day we were together. I hate looking at your face, being in your presence, and your touch. I was finally erasing you from my memory with Erin before you interrupted.”

Her metal hand yanks the hair at your nape before you can continue your rant. Any fake pretense of playfulness is erased and the demanding girl that commanded you in high school made her grand appearance. Her back is rod straight as she presses against you. 

Trapped, you try to wrestle out of her hold to no avail. “You're a shit liar little mouse.” She growls into your ear. “But don’t worry, I know how to get my girl to tell the truth.” You’re confused for only a moment before clarity arrives with the cold touch of her fingers trailing up and down your exposed tummy. You jump at the foreign contact. There’s no rush in the way she traces designs in your skin. But her touch wasn’t meek, as it returned to your thigh and traveled up. You were keenly aware how close your clothed pussy was to being exposed in the dim light of the basement because your spread position over Sevika’s legs caused the jean skirt to slide up your smooth upper thighs. 

A ragged gasp leaves your mouth as said skirt is yanked over your hips with jerky movements to bunch around your waist. “W-what are you doing?” Desperate, you try to turn your still captured head to look back at the basement stairs. Yet, your indecent exposure is not a concern for your brute. Instead she chuckled. “Helping you to be honest little mouse. You said, ‘I hate your touch”?” she questions in a mean mocking tone. “This touch, doll?” A reluctant moan is pulled out of your mouth as Sevika suddenly cups your pussy.

Even through your soaked cotton panties there’s no hiding the pulsing of your clit. It quivered in need to the point of pain. Loud, deep laughter rocks Sevika’s chest. “Lie all you want little mouse but your pussy is sobbing for me.”

It was true. How could you possibly deny it as the heel of her damn hand found your clit and rocked against it with deep presses that left your eyes rolling to the back of your head. “There you go, doll. Take what you need.” she coos as she watches your hips mindlessly ground into her palm. “This the same touch you hate? The same hand your slutty pussy is soaking?” 

Your mind was blurry but a kernel of defiance still lingered. “M-mhm I h-hate you. Hate seeing your face. Just leave me alone.” Truthfully if she left you now you’d likely spontaneously combust in frustration. 

And because she sucked, your crescendo stuttered to an abrupt halt at the absence of her hand. “No no no no no.”

“Shh doll.” You yelp at the quick snatch of your panties that Sevika tears with only one hand. “Here you go.” 

The immediate heavenly relief of a finger against your bud is so intense you fold over into her shoulder. “Shiiiiit.” you goan as she works you so expertly white flashes across your eyes. “Be mad at me all you want but don’t you dare think you could have this with anyone else. It’s me and you. Always has been - always will be.” She gives zero warning before two thick fingers slid into your slick channel. In the empty basement, the lecherous sound of your cum smacking as Sevika relentlessly thrust into your cunt overstimulated your senses. Any lingering rebellion was fucked out of you as you were held in place by her metal hand at your nape. Taking only what she desired to give you. “Sevie, sevie, sevie please I’m sorry.” sobs raked your body as you turned into the girl you thought you left behind. Pleased, her thrust became faster and harder and took a new frantic spread. “There, isn’t that better than being a little bitch.” Her breath was erratic and a frenzy lustful glare glazed over her eyes. “Say it. Say it and I’ll give you what you want.” You didn’t need clarity on her demand. Because it had been burning under your skin since you last saw her two years ago. “I missed you, Sevie.” 

Her grunt of approval is a blessing to your ears and you scream her name as the thumb from her metal hand gently circles your clit and she pounds into your quivering hole. You cum so hard and long you slump against Sevika, completely depleted and blissed out. To your utter surprise, Sevika gathers your crumpled body in her arms and gives a tight squeeze as if content. Her head nuzzles your neck, kissing up the column. “I’ve missed you too little mouse.”

[sturnsblogs]

JUST ONE WEEK.

—

It all started on Sunday, with Chris showing up unannounced at your door, looking more vulnerable than you’d ever seen him. His usual swagger was replaced by something softer—an apology wrapped in desperation.

“Y/N,” he started, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, his eyes pleading. “I know I messed up. I get it. But I’m begging you. Let me show you I can do better. Let me prove it to you.”

You raised an eyebrow, crossing your arms. “Chris, what are you talking about? We’ve been through this before.”

He stepped closer, his voice thick with sincerity. “I’m not asking for another shot at us, not right away. But if you give me a week—just a week—I’ll show you I can change. I’ll prove to you I can be the person you need me to be. Please, Y/N, one week. That’s all I’m asking.”

You looked at him, his usual cocky demeanor replaced by something real, something raw. You could see the honesty in his eyes, but you weren’t sure if you were ready to let your guard down again. After everything that had happened, could you really risk it?

“I’m not some damn charity case, Chris,” you replied, your tone guarded. “You can’t just waltz in here and expect me to forgive you after everything you’ve done.”

Chris’s face fell, but he didn’t back down. “I know. I know I’ve fucked up, and I’m not asking for forgiveness right now. But please, just one week. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll take you on dates, show you I’m serious about making things right. I won’t push you for anything. I just want a chance to prove I can be better.”

You bit your lip, torn between your heart and your mind. Could you really trust him again? Could you let him show you who he could be, even if it meant opening yourself up to more hurt?

Finally, you sighed, your arms uncrossing. “Fine,” you said, almost reluctantly. “One week. But that’s it, Chris. If you fuck up again, I’m done.”

Chris’s eyes lit up with relief, and for the first time in what felt like forever, he smiled—genuinely. “You won’t regret it, Y/N. I swear. Just give me the chance, and I’ll make this week count.”

And with that, you agreed to what you never thought you would. You would let Chris prove himself. For better or worse, this week was going to be different.

—

Monday: Picnic by the Lake

Chris showed up early on Monday morning, carrying a bouquet of tulips—your favorite flowers. You couldn’t help but pause for a second, feeling a mixture of surprise and something else you weren’t quite ready to admit.

He handed them to you, his sheepish grin tugging at something deep inside you. “I thought you’d like these,” he said, his voice soft, like he was testing the waters.

You blinked, still trying to process it. “Chris, this isn’t a date,” you warned him, though you couldn’t deny that the gesture was sweet.

“Of course it’s not,” he chuckled, slinging his arm around you as he led you to the car. “Just a little hangout. Nothing serious.”

He drove you to a secluded spot by the lake, where the sun cast a warm glow over the water. The whole scene felt almost surreal, the kind of moment where everything seemed to slow down, and you found yourself letting go of your usual cynicism.

You sat on the blanket, enjoying sandwiches, fruit, and snacks while talking about everything and nothing. There was no tension, no walls between you anymore. For the first time in a while, it felt natural to just… be. As the day went on, you let yourself enjoy the simplicity of it all, feeling that familiar pull between you, even as you tried to convince yourself that you weren’t going back there with him.

“See? Not a date,” Chris said with a grin, as you both lay back and stared at the sky. “Just two people enjoying the day.”

You rolled your eyes, a soft smile tugging at your lips. “We’ll see, Chris.”

—

Tuesday: Movie Night with a Pillow Fort

The next day, Chris showed up unannounced with an entire stash of pillows and blankets. “Movie night,” he declared, his voice carrying that familiar playful energy. “And we’re building a pillow fort. No excuses.”

You stood in your living room, staring at the pile of pillows. “You’re ridiculous,” you muttered, though you couldn’t help the smile tugging at your lips.

Chris was already working on setting it up, stacking pillows with a focus that would’ve impressed anyone. “You know you’re secretly excited,” he teased.

You rolled your eyes but joined in, climbing into the fort as the night unfolded with a cheesy rom-com marathon. It was a mess of laughter, snacks, and endless teasing. Chris kept giving you sidelong glances, his eyes lingering a little too long.

“You know, you make it hard to just be ‘friends,’” he said casually, stretching out beside you.

You avoided his gaze, but his words hit you harder than you cared to admit. “We agreed, Chris. Just friends.”

His smirk was insistent, like he didn’t believe a word you were saying. “Just friends, huh? You sure? Because I see the way you look at me, Y/N. You’re not fooling anyone.”

The playful banter continued, but underneath it, the unspoken tension was growing. And neither of you were brave enough to admit it.

—

Wednesday: Beach Day

Wednesday was Chris’s spontaneous plan, and when you walked into your apartment after class, you were greeted by him holding a beach bag and grinning like a kid on Christmas morning. “We’re going to the beach,” he declared. “You’ve got no choice. Get in the car.”

You barely had time to protest before he was dragging you out the door. As soon as you arrived at the beach, Chris was already in the water, pulling you along with him. You hesitated, but his infectious laugh made it hard to resist.

The day quickly turned into one of those playful, carefree moments—splashing, laughing, and teasing each other. But when Chris caught sight of you in your swimsuit, his teasing took a more suggestive turn.

“You look good today,” he said, his voice low, and for a moment, everything shifted. The way he looked at you made your heart race.

You laughed it off. “I look like I’m about to drown, but thanks.”

But when he kissed you, slow and intense, all your defenses crumbled. You pulled back, breathless, but the heat between you was undeniable.

“This is confusing,” you whispered, trying to pull away, but Chris tightened his grip on you.

“I’m not confused,” he said firmly. “I want you. That’s all I need to know.”

—

Thursday: Skate Park Day

Thursday was supposed to be a laid-back day. Chris took you to the skate park to show off his skills. You stood off to the side, arms crossed, pretending not to care, but you couldn’t help watching him glide through the park effortlessly, pulling off trick after trick.

“You gonna try it, or just watch me all day?” he called out, his grin a mix of challenge and amusement.

You shook your head. “Not happening. I’m not about to break my neck today.”

But when Chris fell hard mid-trick, landing with a thud that echoed through the park, you couldn’t help but laugh. His pout was priceless as he slowly got up.

“You okay?” you asked, trying to stifle your giggles.

“I’m fine,” he grumbled, rubbing his back. “That was humbling.”

You walked over to him, kneeling beside him and brushing off the dust. “You’re an idiot.”

His frown quickly faded as he pulled you into a kiss, one that was slow and deep, like he was trying to make up for his fall. “Stop making this so hard,” you whispered against his lips, but you kissed him back, knowing you were falling all over again.

—

Friday: Shopping Spree

Friday was the day Chris decided to take you on a shopping spree. From store to store, he practically dragged you around the mall, insisting you pick out whatever you wanted. But when you stopped at a lingerie store, you immediately refused.

“No way,” you said, shaking your head as you crossed your arms. “I am not going in there.”

Chris’s mischievous grin only grew. “Come on, just one set. You know you’ll look amazing.”

You laughed, a little embarrassed by how persistent he was. “You’re such a brat.”

Even though you didn’t end up in the lingerie store, the day was full of laughter, with Chris pushing you out of your comfort zone and making everything lighthearted. It almost felt like everything was perfect again.

—

Saturday: Couples Painting Class

On Saturday, Chris had signed you both up for a couples painting class. You knew it was going to be a mess from the start, but that didn’t stop you from diving in.

Chris’s “abstract art” was a disaster. “Look at this masterpiece,” he said, proudly displaying his work, which looked more like a mess of colors than anything recognizable.

You held up your own, laughing. “Yeah, I think we’re both going to need to work on our artistic skills.”

The night took a turn when Chris added his own little touch to his painting—an exaggerated, cartoonish version of a man’s genitals.

You burst out laughing. “Chris, what is wrong with you?”

But he just shrugged, his grin widening. “It’s art, babe. A masterpiece.”

The whole class laughed, and for a moment, everything felt right. Even if it was a mess, it was yours.

—

Sunday: Candlelight Dinner

Sunday’s candlelight dinner started out perfectly, with Chris setting up a romantic evening at your apartment. The soft flicker of candles made everything feel intimate, and for a moment, you thought maybe this could be the start of something real again.

Chris, however, was different this time. His tone was serious as he sat across from you. “Y/N, I know I’ve messed up. And I’ve hurt you. But I want to make it right. I want us. Will you be my girlfriend again?”

The words hit you like a ton of bricks. You wanted to say yes, you really did. But all those walls you had built over time came crashing down. You couldn’t risk it. Not again.

“Chris…” you whispered, but he didn’t wait for you to finish.

“You can’t be serious,” he snapped. “After everything I’ve done for you this week, this is how you repay me? You’re just going to shut me out again?”

“You don’t get it, Chris,” you shot back, your voice trembling with frustration. “I can’t keep doing this. Every time I let myself fall for you, you push me away. You make it hard for me to trust you.”

Chris’s face turned red with anger. “I’m trying, okay? I’ve done everything you wanted this week, and it’s still not enough? How am I supposed to fix this if you won’t let me?”

“I’m not shutting you out!” you shouted, standing up. “I’m protecting myself! You always say you want to fix things, but you never do! You always leave when things get tough, and I can’t keep doing this, Chris. I’m not some damn toy you can play with when it’s convenient for you.”

The words spilled out before either of you could stop them, and before long, both of you were saying things you didn’t mean.

“Fine,” Chris spat, his voice cold. “If you’re too scared to be with me, then don’t expect me to keep fighting for this. I’m done.”

He stormed out, slamming the door behind him, leaving you standing there, heartbroken and unsure if you’d made the right choice. But deep down, you knew it wasn’t just him—it was both of you. And maybe, just maybe, you had both pushed too far.

—

A/N- he he thank you very much @chriss-slutt for the idea

My beautiful babies- @blushsturns @starrii-sturns @izzylovesmatt @chrisslut04 @jimmasterflashh @oopsiedaisydeer @csturnioloswifey @just-a-girl-1 @sturdyyolo @sturnslvtt @sturnbows @sturniolosrtewsexy @chriss-slutt @franticroads @thecrawlys @ribbonlovergirl @freshlyinlovewchris @whore4chris @matts-girlfriend

[linos-luna]

My Queen (Pt. 3) ❣️🔪

Yandere!Hyunjin x Fem!Reader

Warning: Yandere, 18+, delusions, Stockholm Syndrome, Sex

(Pt. 4)

—————————— 👑———————————

Another month or two passes by fairly quick. Everyday Hyunjin loved and worshiped you. It was a bit suffocating at times but you actually ended up falling for him.

Isn’t falling for your captor is the definition of Stockholm Syndrome??

The relationship was odd. You loved him but at the same time, was a little afraid. Hyunjin wasn’t violent often but sometimes he’d lose composure and lash out. He’d snap at random but would then apologize profusely right after. You were a bit worried for him as he seemed to slip deeper into this delusion. But one thing is for sure, he always knew how to please you…

~~~~~~~ 👑

You slept peacefully on your stomach, snuggling into the pillows as you breathed softly. A mid-day nap. Hyunjin says you need your beauty sleep. And you don’t mind.

As your eyes slowly opened and adjusted to the light, you turned to a side, only to see Hyunjin laying there, staring straight at you. It made you nearly jump.

“Jinnie?!” You laughed nervously. “W-what are you doing here?”

“Watching.” he replied bluntly.

“Why…?”

“Because I have to.” He said while sitting up.

Hyunjin helped you sit up as well and kissed your hand before looking at you a bit worried.

“My love?”

“Yes?”

“Why do you want to leave?” He asked with a frown. “I heard you talk in your sleep.”

“I-… I don’t want to leave you—”

“But you want to leave the castle!” He interrupted. “I upkeep it to your standards! Just for you!”

You felt like you need some outside interaction. However, Hyunjin never lets you out. Only every once in a while to the “garden” out back.

“Jinnie—”

“No! You can’t!” He yelled while squeezing your hand.

“My queen may want a nice walk….. she deserves the world… but No! you can’t leave!”

It was almost as if he was arguing with himself as you stopped replying entirely. He really did seemed distraught at the idea of you leaving… it got you thinking.

Someone is probably looking for you. And if you could just make a call or text telling people not to worry, that’d be nice. You knew your phone was here because you’ve seen it once or twice but Hyunjin never let you have it.

“Jinnie!” You said while rubbing his hands. “I’m not going to leave. I’ll never leave you… but I want to do more…”

“More?” Hyunjin perked up. “What more could you want, my love?”

“Well I want to go outside more….”

“Then we go to the garden!” He instantly stood and tried pulling you but you didn’t budge.

“No I mean out as in the front… like in public.”

“I tell you that it’s dangerous! Anyone could hurt you! Or take you away!” He said while shaking his head. “I cannot loose my queen again!”

“You won’t…”

“Then it’s final!” Hyunjin exclaimed with a smile. “End of discussion! I shall make lunch now.”

“Jinnie-?”

“I’ll let you know when it is ready.” He said before kissing your cheek and shuffling out.

You sighed while getting up, looking around the room to where your phone might be. The least you could do is tell your friends that you’re okay.

Finally you find it when looking through his drawers. Low battery but still useful.

You looked at some messages from friends. Messages from coworkers asking about your whereabouts. Before you could answer them, your phone was suddenly snatched away.

“What are you doing?!” Hyunjin yelled frantically while holding your phone back.

“Jinnie, I just wanted to tell my friends im okay—”

Suddenly the man throws your phone to the floor, definitely destroying it in the process.

“You can’t!” He grabbed your shoulders and pulled you close as you started to cry.

“No! Don’t cry, my love!” He got on his knees in front of you and had his forehead to your hand. “Forgive me!”

“Why’d you break it?!”

“Someone could find you!!”

“Hyunjin—”

Before you could finish your sentence, he got up and suddenly grabbed you by the face and started desperately making out with you.

It caught you by surprise and you tried pulling away to breathe, only for him to pull you back in.

“My queen…” he whispered briefly between kisses. “Darling… please…”

He was frantic. These kisses were desperate and you were finally able to pull away.

“My Love, I didn’t mean to make you cry.” He frowned.

“I wanna go outside…” you said in a hushed tone. “Please… I’ll be so happy…”

Hyunjin was conflicted. He wants to please you and do whatever to make you happy but also wanted to keep you safe. He was sure someone would do something if you went outside. And what if you leave??

“There is a park nearby…” he sighed. “Not too many people are there…”

“Can we have a picnic?!” You perked up and he loved the little happy glow on your face.

“Yes of course! Anything for you, my queen.”

You were so happy to hear this and gave him a big hug.

~~~~~~ 👑

After getting some food prepared and getting dressed, Hyunjin was ready for your little picnic.

You emerged from the room in a blue sun dress along with a white cardigan. Hyunjin was head over heels when seeing you. He kissed your hand and bowed a little before putting a sun hat on you.

“We must protect your pure skin.”

He wasn’t entirely truthful about that. Yes, protecting your skin was important, but he actually wanted to be sure that no one would recognize you.

“My queen, you are the most beautiful woman to walk this earth.” He said while rubbing your hand.

“Thank you, Jinnie.” You blushed. He always knew how to make you feel special…

~~~ 👑

Walking out the front door, you felt the cool air hit your face and sighed. Fresh air and feeling of freedom.

You could run. You had the chance… but why would you do that? Hyunjin would be sad. And you? Well, you’d lose your dear lover.

The park was a short walk away. He held your hand and draped a blanket over his other.

You held the basket with food. Luckily it wasn’t too heavy.

Hyunjin was relieved to see that there was almost no one around. There seemed to be another couple there that were having their own little date but that was all.

It was an ideal day. Warm but lightly breezy. The sky was clear and sun shining.

“Darling, should we set up here?” He asked.

“Yeah this is fine.”

Hyunjin was quick to set up. He laid out the blanket and pulled food from the basket. Two sandwiches, some grapes, strawberries, and blueberries. There was also two cans of soda.

You didn’t have to do anything. Only sit there and be pretty.

Soon enough, you were enjoying lunch. Hyunjin fed you the grapes and strawberries, saying that they were fresh berries from the garden. Whenever he spoke you only giggled. As delusional as his words were, you thought it was cute.

To anyone outside looking in, it just looks like you were having a cute date with a sweet boy.

There was a path nearby so people would walk by every once in a while. Hyunjin only glared at them or make it a point to suddenly kiss you.

Being out here in public had him on edge. No one should lay their eyes on his beautiful queen.

“Darling, are you having a good time?”

“Yes.” You nodded with a big smile. “I am!”

He was glad to hear and pulled you in for another kiss. You actually chased his lips when he momentarily pulled away and made little desperate whines as you added more passion into this kiss.

“My queen…” he whispered against your lips. “Do you love me?”

“Mmhm.” You replied while lightly nodding. “More than anything.”

Hyunjin’s heart was pounding. He was so happy to hear this and he couldn’t help himself as a tear rolled down his cheek.

“Jinnie, I want more…” you whispered.

“More?”

“More…” you moaned while kissing him again and taking his hand, moving it up your thigh. Not seemingly caring who could possibly watch.

“My Queen…” he chuckled. “The guards will not appreciate such actions in public…”

“Oh?” You pouted while moving the skirt of your dress over his hand so no one could see. “I wanna go back to the castle, Jinnie…”

“Of course, my queen!” You said nodded and stood up instantly.

You couldn’t wait…

~~~~~~~ 👑

[6pm]

Soon enough you found yourself in the bedroom. Soft airy moans escaped your lips as you moved. You were riding Hyunjin’s cock while he laid down. He looking up in admiration; your beautiful form and desperate face was incredibly hot to him.

Here you are, desperately grinding against him with nothing but your bra on. He loves it.

There were no thoughts. Your mind was mush as you continued. Hyunjin had his hands on your hips but it was you doing the work. He may not be directly controlling you, but in a way he had you under some control.

“Jinnie~” you moaned softly. “Jinnie~”

“Fuck yourself as much as you want, my love.” He grunted, obviously trying to control himself as well. Something about seeing his lovely and pure queen doing something not so pure was really getting him worked up. Corruption. And only he could do it.

Soon enough, you came; your eyes rolled back and back slightly arched. It was the best orgasm you’d had in a while…You were in a daze as Hyunjin bucked his hips to get his high as well. The overwhelming feeling had you whimpering.

After pulling out, he grabbed your panties and sweatpants, putting them on you before laying down next to you.

In this moment, you were in love. It must be daze you’re in… all your worries about your situation had disappeared. What situation? Being with the man you love? The man that believes you’re royalty?

Are you… the delusional one?

[dandylions101]

Poly Xianle Quartet Dynamics Headcanons/Thoughts

Okay so first we have our main big ships: Hualian and Fengqing

Xie Lian x Hua Cheng: our star-crossed lovers duo. Constant heart eyes. We know them. We love them. It’s very important to me that they both love each other the same intense amount tho.

Feng Xin x Mu Qing: Rivals to lovers type. I think they both definitely had a crush on each other when they were younger, a bit of a “fuck this guy but also he’s kinda pretty wait what-“. I think post-canon they finally try and do get over their general angst and bad communication and become a duo that really make a fantastic team when they can. Like. Not kill each other enough to actually listen. The Martial Gods of the South. They’ve been at each other’s side (and at each other’s throats) almost always since they’ve met, and I think that fact really is the foundation of their dynamic.

Alright, now the more fun stuff.

Xie Lian x Feng Xin: ‘Body Guard x Royal’ dynamic my beloved. I think they’re very much childhood friends to lovers too. Like saw each other in diapers type. I think Feng Xin was born to a noble family (with a strong martial background) that was mostly dead by the time the kingdom fell, and therefore was one of the few people deemed high ranked enough to be friends with the Crown Prince. Which makes him like. The person Xie Lian knew the longest. Intensely loyal, especially post-canon once they get over their angst. Honestly I think they may be a little bit codependent for a bit, but they ease out once they’ve settled into their relationship again. There’s definitely more to say here but I’ll leave it at that for now.

Xie Lian x Mu Qing: Ah yes, it’s the Unrequited Love complex they both nurtured for me. I read It’s In Your Warmth, I Feel The Coldest, by PeacefulDiscord on ao3 (it’s great you should check it out). And they wrote a line which really pinned down their relationship for me; “I always thought of you as my beauty,” Xie Lian says. His gaze is firm even as his hand gentles where he’s still holding Mu Qing. “My jade. My love for you drove me mad, it made me too harsh when I believed you to have discarded me so easily.” And that right there has to be the crux of their relationship. I think they both crushed on each other when they were younger, and they found each other’s differences fascinating. But that difference in class made it so difficult for them to actually understand each other. I think post-canon, once they both have lived closer to the contexts of each other’s childhoods, they both have a much better understanding of the other person. They both had strong insecurities when it came to each other, a balancing act when they never knew what the other might take the wrong way. And the power imbalance that Mu Qing was always intensely aware of and that Xie Lian never even considered. Which made them lash out the minute they felt unsure. Assumptions galore. I think after a long chat post-canon, they settle into a sweet and close relationship again, and I think their experiences after they parted lent them a new understanding of each other they bask in now. The intense admiration (and love) they have for each other goes unshadowed now.

Alright, now probably the most juicy dynamics (at least in my opinion):

Hua Cheng x Mu Qing: I headcanon that they knew each other, when they were kids. Same impoverished neighbourhood type. I’m not sure how close that relationship was, but I think they definitely had one, even if it was just Mu Qing lying about Hong Hong’er’s whereabouts when his family or some other kids try to hurt him. They have lots of animosity to get through, especially regarding the whole Xie Lian stuff. And I think because their childhoods were similar, it made Hua Cheng even less inclined to forgive Mu Qing for what he viewed as his abandoning Xie Lian (especially cause I wouldn’t have done that, he thinks to himself). I think Hu Cheng also envies him the relationship he had with Xie Lian when they were younger, thinking him undeserving. I think any headway they make happens after an explosive verbal fight, which is probably how their other two lovers learned they knew each other when they were young. Once they actually talk out the resentment, I think their relationship eases a bit. The spark of admiration they had for each other when young erupts into a whole forest fire pretty quickly after that. (Mu Qing was definitely Hua Cheng’s gay awakening when they were younger, and Xie Lian was Feng Xin’s. Mu Qing’s was Feng Xin, to his eternal despair and Feng Xin’s eternal smugness. And Xie Lian’s was obviously his San Lang, it was almost Feng Xin tho, but he was too oblivious). They turn that lingering animosity into gossiping and judging people together, it’s their favourite bonding activity. I think their shared background eventually makes Hua Cheng the person that can read Mu Qing the easiest, and Mu Qing the person that catches Hua Cheng’s insecurities the easiest too. Their relationship is surprisingly soft. Theres is a slow burn.

Hua Cheng x Feng Xin: These two bitches might actually be enemies to lovers. Hate at first sight. Hate for a long while after. They have no basis for a relationship outside of their assumptions about each other, and the early post-canon years consist of snide remarks and actual fist fights sometimes. Their own unique relationship with Xie Lian means they have no qualms about throwing him at each other’s face, and it wasn’t until they almost made him cry doing that they finally calmed down a little. Still. Lots of animosity that doesn’t get solved until some sort of mission together forces them to actually exist around each other enough to not try to explode each other with their brains. They realise, after a fraught silence, that they’re both quite similar. Especially with loved ones. Especially when it’s loyalty. And they both, respectfully, hate this new understanding of each other. “What do you mean I can’t get mad at him for doing the most for someone he believes and is loyal to?!” “What do you mean I can’t hate him for leaving our shared lover because he proved more loyal when being asked to leave?!”. Unfortunately for them, this does prove to be the ice breaker for their relationship. They end up bonding over their shared drive to keep their loved ones safe, and they understand each other’s intense more than anyone else. It’s a slow surprise to both of them when that starts to include each other as well. But they find it’s nice to be the object of someone’s intense for once too.

Alright that’s all for now. I clearly had more thoughts than I assumed.

[atzloverr]

Bite me - vampire bf!Seonghwa x reader

warnings! includes cutting skin and biting, blood, starvation, vampire themes, mentions of mature content, fluff and angst

part 2

Seonghwa had promised both you and himself to never drink from you. As much as his underlying desires begged him to, he wanted to prove that he wasn’t the monster everyone thought he was.

“You can do it if you want to,” you mumbled once, seeing your boyfriend tense up at the subject. He whined slightly. “No way… I can’t do that do you,” he sighed.

You knew his words were genuine, but you could also tell that he wanted to, deep down.

Seonghwa admitted to his old lifestyle, before you, drinking from almost anyone, being a ruthless monster with no self control. For years, he had been hooking up with people, draining them dry and leaving them an empty husk.

That was, until he met you. You made him want to change and become a better man.

He still looked back fondly at your early dating days, back when you didn’t know his secret. You were so cute, being worried about him when he got a small cut, wondering why he was so cold all the time.

He was so scared that you would be afraid of him after you found out, but you could tell that his intentions were pure, especially when he made that promise.

“I’ll never drink from you. Never. If I ever do such a thing, I don’t want you to forgive me.”

As of right now, you practically begged him to break that promise once and for all.

“Seonghwa, my love,” you whispered, gently caressing his pale skin that was now paler than usual. “You’re starving, it kills me to see you like this.”

It pained Seonghwa so much to hear the grief in your voice, so he wasn’t shocked when a tear silently fell down his cheek.

He hadn’t fed for weeks.

Every moment he spent with you, he hated his nature more. He didn’t want to hurt people anymore. He couldn’t. When he drank the blood of others, he couldn’t help but think of your beautiful, pure smile, and how mortified you would look if you saw him like this.

You were aware of what he did, and you never objected when he was going out to feed. You had to try your best to understand him, and his nature. What he was doing now was what made you feel sick. Starving himself in the name of “good”.

“Look at me,” you commanded, still holding his tender face in your hands, slowly stroking your thumbs over his cold and wet cheeks as he weeped. “Please, drink from me.”

“You know I can’t do that,” he answered sternly, voice not wavering despite the tears pooling in his eyes.

“Then go out and feed, you have to,” you begged, searching for a look of approval in his eyes. “Please…”

This wasn’t the first time you held this type of conversation. The past week, he had only looked weaker and weaker for every day that passed, a dark shadow forming under his beautiful eyes.

Seonghwa’s lips found yours, perhaps in an attempt to comfort you, or perhaps to comfort himself. A deep sound of desperation escaped him as his hands started roaming your body.

This again.

Trying to satisfy his natural needs by having sex with you, as if that would be enough to save him. He broke the kiss and analyzed your face slowly. You wore a deep frown, unsatisfied by his tactics.

“I’ll be fine,” he smiled. You hated that. He could alway make up some shit about vampires being ‘stronger than humans’ to try and avoid your accusations. “You’re torturing yourself,” you deadpanned, looking him dead in the eye. His gaze softened and he let out an airy, weak laugh.

“I love you.”

'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'

Tonight was a big night for Seonghwa.

After a long time of not meeting them, he was going to visit his family. You weren’t surprised when Seonghwa told you that you couldn’t come with him. You weren’t sure if you even wanted to meet his family, after what your boyfriend had told you.

They hated those like you.

Humans.

Therefore, you found yourself waiting idly for Seonghwa to come back, lying on your side on the couch, watching the clock tick agonizingly slow. It was 4 am, and you never expected him to be gone for as long as he had been.

As you almost found yourself dozing off at the endless wait, the door was suddenly opened quite harshly.

You shot up from your spot as you saw your boyfriend almost stumble into your apartment. He had gotten even weaker, still refusing to drink blood.

You rushed to his side, seeing as he could barely stand. “Oh my god,” you breathed out.

He had barely any energy left. He almost collapsed in your arms, still wearing his coat and shoes. You slowly sat him down on the couch, taking off his outerwear for him and them immediately rushing to his side once again.

With his head hung low he mumbled out some words only you could understand right now.

“Love,” he called out. His small voice brought tears to your eyes. “Yes?” you sounded out, voice coming out in barely a whisper. He didn’t say anything more, instead he just took your hands in his.

Your breath hitched at the touch. You lifted your other hand to raise his head. Your eyes widened at the sight of him.

His eyes were dull and distant as they stared into the void, and his cheeks looked particularly sunken in.

You couldn’t bear to see him like this anymore.

You rose to your feet, slowly walking to the kitchen. You knew exactly what you had to do.

You scrambled through the cabinets to grab the biggest knife you could find. At this point, you didn’t care if Seonghwa knew what you were going to do. In his current state, there was no way he could stop you.

You walked over to the couch again, plopping down next to his slouching form.

“Look at me, Seonghwa.”

You could see him twitch at the use of his name. You never called him by his name if you weren’t serious.

His gaze slowly met yours, and then traveled to the large kitchen knife in your right hand.

You didn’t miss the way his pupils dilated in panic, as he was about to protest, but he was too slow.

You cut into your left wrist, wincing at the pain before making him face his biggest fear.

You shoved your wrist to his mouth, and pushed his head even closer even as he tried to struggle. You didn’t care about the voice inside of you telling you to stop, you knew that this was the right thing to do.

After fighting it for a few seconds, Seonghwa finally felt your taste on his tongue. He suddenly froze.

He blinked, and finally gave in.

His eyes rolled back in his skull as a deep sound escaped his lips. He took a hold of your wrist and held it closer to him, growling and moaning as he hungrily lapped up your red blood.

You watched him closely as his eyes turned a deep shade of crimson and you could feel his sharp fangs against your skin.

What Seonghwa didn’t know, was that you had done your research on vampires. You knew that there was nothing quite like biting the neck. That was the best source of blood.

You braced yourself and took a deep breath.

Seonghwa gasped when you harshly pulled his head away from your bleeding wrist. He let out all kinds of feral sounds and looked almost angry at the loss of contact.

You tilted your head slightly, and pulled him in.

“Do it,” you ordered, trying your best to not let your voice waver. “Bite me.”

Without any time going to waste, you felt a sharp pain in your neck. You couldn’t help but shriek in pain at the piercing sensation. Seonghwa desperately sucked on your neck, seemingly snaking his hands around your waist. Whimpers and whines were heard from the both of you, mainly from him, as he finally let himself do what he had been aching to do ever since he met you.

Seonghwa tried to stop himself, even as his fangs were deep in your neck. There was still that part of him that had promised you, promised himself. For the first time in a long time, he had let his primal instincts take over.

He hated it.

But the taste of you, oh, the taste of your sweet blood, it felt like drugs running through his veins, making him more and more addicted for every second he spent with your blood on his tongue.

You felt yourself starting to become lightheaded, and as much as you wanted to feed him, you also knew your boyfriend. You knew how he would punish himself for this if you got hurt. You knew how he would tell you to leave him, that he broke his promise, so you had to stop him.

“Seonghwa,” you urged. You tapped his shoulder, hoping he would back away from you before you lost consciousness, but it was like he wasn’t there. He was in his own zone, and he couldn’t stop. You tapped his shoulder harder and faster, calling out his name again and again, but with no reaction.

Seonghwa could hear every word you said. He could feel every time you tapped his shoulder. He noticed the way you writhed underneath him, trying to squirm away from him. He noticed when you slowly grew more limp in his arms. It was torture.

He wanted to stop, but he couldn’t. All those weeks of starving, they made him a desperate monster. The one thing he had promised you not to be.

After what felt like an agonizing eternity for him, he finally snapped out of it and ripped his mouth away from you. He felt his eyes immediately water.

There you were, unconscious and bloody, and it was all his fault. He could hear your heartbeat still being there, but he noticed your faint breathing.

You could still see Seonghwa’s figure hovering over you, until you finally succumbed to the sweet sleep awaiting you.

'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'

You woke up to the sound of a voice. It was singing. You knew this voice. It was one that you loved listening to.

Your eyes fluttered opened slowly, to reveal the sight of your beloved boyfriend, humming a tune as he held your hand tightly in his. His head snapped up at an incredible speed at the sound of your changed breathing.

Without uttering a single word, he immediately wrapped his arms around you. He was shivering slightly, and you could hear him mumble into your shoulder. You were wrapped in cozy blankets, and as you spotted the bandage on your left wrist, it all came back to you.

“I’m sorry, my love,” Seonghwa said as he let go of you. You looked at his face with satisfaction. He already looked healthier. You tried to open your mouth to tell him something, but a finger to your lips shut you up.

“Please, I just need to say these things,” he started. “Never do that again,” he spat. He sounded angry, but you knew that he actually wasn’t angry with you, just at the situation.

“And also,” he continued, sighing deeply. “Thank you.”

Your eyes widened in shock.

Out of all the things he could’ve said, you never expected that to come out of his mouth.

“As much as I hate to admit it, you saved my life, and I just can’t punish you for such a thing.”

You felt your lips forming a small smile. Seonghwa crouched down and gave you a deep kiss. He pulled away involuntarily, and said the last things he wanted to have said.

“I love you.”

You took his hand and squeezed it.

“I love you too,” you confessed, smiling at his unusually warm touch against you.

“And..?” you started, making your boyfriend’s eyebrow raise in confusion. “Did you like my blood or what!?” you smiled.

Seonghwa couldn’t help but burst out in a hearty laughter at your sudden comment, and you joined him shortly after.

You found yourself more at peace than you had ever felt for the past few weeks, finally seeing that beautiful smile coat your true love’s face again. Oh, how you had missed that wonderful sight.

part 2

Y’all idek why I wrote this I was bored I guess💀 Hope you enjoyed and please leave requests if you have any! (part 2????)

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