#i’ll be honest and say i’ve never been anxious about posting art until THIS

[anna-scribbles]

an announcement

hey everyone! I just wanted to let you all know that my tumblr and instagram accounts will be inactive until further notice. more information under the cut, but long story short: I have had an incredibly fun and positive time sharing my art with you all over the last year or so. however, I’ve noticed myself making my internet presence way too much of a priority in my life, and it’s become unhealthy for my relationships and my faith. I’ve decided to take a step back. if I ever feel like it’s a healthy choice for me to come back to these accounts, then I’d love to--but right now it’s not. thank you for understanding.

if anyone needs to contact me, I’ll still be available on discord or through my email itsannascribbles@gmail.com. my accounts will not be deactivated, all my content will stay up, I just will not be active here anymore.

(head’s up: I’ll be talking about my Christian faith in the explanation)

About six months ago, I was facing a really big life decision and one of the big questions I had was what my art was supposed to be for. Before I began posting my art online a little over a year ago, I never thought much of it; I drew characters that I liked because it made me feel happy. But after the pandemic hit and quarantine began, I felt bored and sad and I decided to finally make a tumblr account and post some pictures on it. About a week after I made the account, I drew a comic that was a crossover between steven universe and gravity falls, and it blew up. I started getting thousands of followers every day, and I’d never had followers on anything before in my life, and it was exciting, and I didn’t want it to stop. I did feel God impressing on my heart back then that I needed to ask Him for permission to do this, but I was so worried of losing the momentum of my rapid following that I ignored Him.

Since that week, my follower base has grown to 17k on tumblr and 20k on instagram. To be honest, I think about it all the time. All my free time is spent creating content, or consuming content, or obsessively looking through the reactions to the content I produce. All this to say, the events of the last year have caused me to see my art differently, to believe that it was good. Not because of what God says about me, but because of what strangers on the internet did. And this newfound belief in my artistic skill caused me a newfound source of pain and confusion: I became worried that I was wasting it. I was worried that I should’ve gone to a better school, should be practicing more, should be more focused on how to get a career in the industry. And six months ago, when I was faced with a big life decision, I asked God what my art was for. I wanted Him to give me a career path, a degree. But that’s not what He told me.

I was reading in the book of Lamentations that day, and it struck me that it was a book of poetry. It was gorgeously intricate and structured and beautiful, and it was art. It was art that wasn’t for anyone but God, not intended for anything but the act of offering up a prayer and a praise to Him. And God revealed to me in that moment that He didn’t give me art so that I could pursue a certain career path or degree; He gave me art so that I could give it back to Him. So that I could worship. This revelation filled me with a joy I haven’t often felt--one that brought my heart back to life and filled my mouth with praise. God spoke to me in that moment, asked me to give my art back to Him in worship, and then... I let the moment pass. I chose to ignore Him, again. I was still too afraid of losing it all, this little kingdom on earth I’d built.

A few weeks ago I was at church and the Lord impressed upon me, again, that it was time to give it up. I knew that God told me to give my art back to Him in worship, and I knew I had ignored Him, and I felt His Spirit imploring me strongly again to give it up. And still, I was afraid to walk away. I liked how it felt, receiving dozens of nice comments every day. I liked watching the numbers go up, watching my skills as an artist improve and gain recognition. I liked feeling like I made people laugh or smile or have a better day. I told myself that it was harmless, good even. (But, as it turns out, God has a reason for the things that He asks of us. As it turns out, God sees the whole picture while we live our lives grasping at a single piece of the puzzle. As it turns out, it is often the most mundane of things that can separate us from God.)

Recently, someone very close to me told me she’s been feeling distant from me for the past year, that I’ve shown so little interest in her life that it’s gotten to the point where she’s been anxious to even talk to me. This is something I admit with the heaviest heart. I’ve been so focused on building myself up that I’ve been neglecting the people God’s put in my life. I’ve been centering my life on something that’s not Him, and when I do that--no matter what it is that I’m centering my life on-- it hurts me and it hurts those who are around me. God has sent me a wake-up call and He is asking me to obey, and this time I am saying yes.

If you have ever enjoyed my account or anything I’ve had to say, this is the only thing I can tell you that has any real significance: God knows you and loves you and wants to have a relationship with you. I say this not because it’s what I’ve been taught, but because it’s my actual lived experience. I wouldn't be doing this if He hadn't asked me to, and if He hadn't proven to me that I can trust Him to take care of me through it.

Thank you so much to everyone who has been so kind to me. I’ve made so many friends through this experience and felt so inspired and happy and loved here. From the bottom of my heart, I’m so thankful for your endless kind and encouraging words. The last year and a half have by far been the hardest of my life but this community has brought me happiness through that. I know, though, that it’s time for me to give it up for now and focus on what God has for me. Thank you for reading and understanding.

So much love,

Anna

[lilsunshiny]

Thoughts on The Last Of Us Part II

WRITING (creative process)

the game’s storyline is straight to the point, you can see from the trailer that it’s going to be a timeline about revenge. the whole game happens around joel’s death in the beginning and I guess that’s the whole reason why people are upset. but guess what? neil druckmann’s goal was to make you upset, angry and nostalgic. he accomplished his goal and that’s why you’re feeling the way you are.

you not liking the the way things went down does not mean the game’s writing is awful, it just means you were expecting something and got another. not liking something isn’t a crime and it’s totally ok as long as you respect the creators and don’t use your hate to put others down, it’s a valid opinion and that’s it.

what makes a story good is the writing and the thought put into it to make the player/reader/viewer feel a certain way, and the developers did an incredible job to do that. we feel frustrated, anxious and weird the entire gameplay and that’s exactly what they wanted from us, which means they won. I’ll talk more about my opinion on the storyline far ahead.

the graphic visuals of this game are RIDICULOUS, they’re perfect. every detail is insane to look at, they worked so hard to get it right and it was so worth it. every time I entered a new scenario I would just go into photo mode and appreciate the art because that’s what makes the game unforgettable and groundbreaking. the red lighting scenes were so perfectly made and so badass, the sky when ellie goes outside the farm with JJ is breathtaking just like every other view in the game. by far the most beautiful game I’ve ever had the honor to play.

STORYLINE (joel’s death)

the first game gave us a story about love and hope, making us guide joel into taking ellie to the fireflies looking for a cure based on ellie’s immunity. we spend the whole game thinking we’d get to the fireflies, make a cure and live happily ever after but that never happened in those terms. the gameplay made us slowly fall in love with joel and ellie as characters, joel for his tough personality that would fade under the influence of a little girl and ellie for her nativity and innocence as a young teenager who really wants to help other people by making a cure. that’s the whole situation of it, joel getting attached to ellie while she developed a paternal affection for him but in the end joel ends up doing an unforgivable thing, basically destroying the hope for a cure and ruining all hope for the world to heal from the outbreak, so he decides to lie to ellie blaming the fireflies for everything so he doesn’t lose her trust and love.

I do understand liking and loving joel as a character, myself included, because they made the game thinking about it and they knew the audience would develop a major caring for him and ellie as daughter and father, that’s how it was supposed to go and it worked it.

now let’s talk about joel’s death. I think we were all surprised to watch him die so early in the game but considering the game time and storyline, it would have never happened differently. his death was brutal, violent, merciless and inhuman, abby and her crew tortured him until he couldn’t take it anymore and he obviously suffered with ellie being held to the ground begging them to stop. I agree that it was a horrible death but we can’t just pretend joel was a sweet innocent hero because he wasn’t, the audience portrays him as a hero when he literally stopped the human race from being saved, killing the fireflies and acting out of pure selfishness. joel isn’t the angel some people paint him as, he’s not a good person and if ellie herself could never forgive him for what he did, who are we to do so? she said she would try but she never got the chance to and it took her years to even come to terms with it.

most importantly, it’s obvious that people forget these characters are human beings, not real people but they’re real in that universe and technically speaking, they run and feel the same way we would feel if we were in their shoes. they’re people, every character in the game is a person, with feelings, a background, a past, a personality and thoughts. they’re no different than us except for them living in a post apocalyptic world were morality and ethics aren’t taken into consideration since there is no law or living lifestyle.

for us to understand this storyline, we need to step away from our society’s view of morality and wrong or right, because that does not apply to them, everyone in the game has killed people and/or have done something morally questionable in their life since it’s the apocalypse and there is no wrong or right, there’s only how the characters feel about certain situations and how they act on them, which is basically what guides the entire game to happening the way it did: human feelings.

joel obviously changed after the first game, since he starts living in jackson and having to raise ellie as a daughter in a relatively normal town with other people, he’s not the same person as he was in part I, now he turned into a father and a friend, not a merciless mercenary who doesn’t care about others. we see that when he and tommy decide to help abby, a complete stranger who was about to die in the hands of infected, and maybe that’s what led people into hating abby with their heart. but ending this topic, joel’s death was bound to happen, you can’t just expect someone to destroy the world’s hope for a cure and leave with no people being angry at him and wanting revenge, that cure could’ve saved many people’s loved ones but he chose to save his loved one. if joel is indeed a terrible person or not, that’s up to you to decide, that’s more of an internal turmoil within yourself that is different for everyone depending on their experience from part I and how they view joel in the end. it’s kind of messed up if you think about it, would you let the only person you care about die for a not confirmed chance of a cure in a world that is already doomed? that’s a question for yourself.

joel’s death happened so you could see things from multiple perspectives, which is the whole fucking point of the game. there are multiple sides to every story, it’s the same world we live in except in different circumstances. your actions affect others, people have feelings and if you hurt them they might act a certain way, those characters are no different than us because they were based on genuine human thoughts and actions.

ELLIE (growth and development)

ellie is one of the most well written characters I’ve ever seen in my life. she’s the symbol of badass but fragile woman and that’s so amazing to me. as the game goes by we start seeing many sides of ellie, she slowly starts to turn into a completely different person after joel’s death and her urge for revenge. killing abby becomes her main priority the second she leaves jackson and that’s clear in the way she acts and treats others. I’ll have to play the game again to pay more attention to ellie and abby’s behavior throughout the timeline. ellie is the reflection of how the excessive amount of effort you put into a negative thought, the more it will bring you and your loved ones down. watching ellie during the story is such a nice experience, there are times where you love her to death, others you get annoyed with her or don’t agree with how she acts, and that’s exactly how the creators wanted you to feel. revenge takes ellie’s soul from the inside out, from her not being able to forgive herself for letting joel die to her going after abby for nothing but hate for herself in the end.

ellie’s journey is exciting to play and to witness as her relationship with other people (specially dina) starts to fade away and being consumed by hate and regret. we were manipulated into loving ellie since part I and I don’t think she’s a bad person, she lost everything in the hands of other people and went through a lot, losing joel was a deal breaker for her but she just didn’t realize soon enough that killing abby wasn’t going to make things better. ellie’s gameplay was meant to make you reflect on losing a loved one, grief, mourning and revenge, she’s not the lost kid from part I anymore, she’s a grown woman who just lost her dad and she doesn’t even know exactly why. the funny thing for me, which is what makes the story realistic, is that ellie didn’t fully forgive joel yet she still suffered from losing him and went after abby for revenge, when not even herself could forgive him, that’s pretty realistic in my opinion. it’s the human uncontrollable instinct of still missing someone you’re mad at and not being able to say goodbye.

for me, ellie is the perfect and most detailed reflection of revenge and what it can do to you. the game is much more than “revenge is bad don’t do it”, we all obviously know it’s bad but we still have an urge to fight back against it and make the person who hurt us suffer too because it’s not fair for us and it wasn’t fair for ellie until the very last moment.

ABBY (point of view and perspective)

by far the most controversial character of the game. I’ll star off saying I actually like abby and I think the people who hate her so deeply just didn’t understand how things go. hating abby is no different than hating ellie, they’re in the same situation for almost the entire game. abby lost her father in joel’s hands, she was still a teenager and seeing her own dad die for trying to save humanity isn’t easy, just like ellie watching joel being tortured and killed wasn’t easy. being fully honest ellie would’ve done the same thing abby did if joel was the doctor and we can’t deny that.

on the other hand, I do think the ellie and abby gameplays could’ve been distributed better, maybe switching from ellie to abby and back and forth so it wouldn’t get too tiring or confusing since we don’t know the exact timeline when we first play it. that’s the only slightly negative thing I have to say about the game.

I do think abby is a great character, they built her perfectly to make the audience hate her in the begging, painting her as a sadistic monster only to show her side of the story later on in the game and make you realize that you have been wrong all this time, making you see the bigger picture and understand that ellie isn’t the only person in the world, she isn’t loved by everyone, she’s just a girl in the world and so is abby. they both have fucked up pasts and they both lost a lot, and in terms of personality, they’re actually quite similar. we love ellie because we got to see her grow up and WE know that deep down she’s not a bad person, the first impression we had of abby was of her recklessly killing joel with a golf club when ellie was begging her to stop, since that we tend to think abby is a horrible person and that ellie is an angel, but it’s not like that at all. obviously ellie didn’t do anything wrong up to that moment to justify that happening to her, but ellie isn’t the best person in the world either.

the duality in this game was created on purpose and with a deeper meaning, ellie is ellie, abby is abby and the cycle of revenge goes on until both parts understand that it’s useless to keep going. abby let go before ellie could and let her and dina live because of lev, killing joel didn’t change abby to the better, lev changed her. tommy couldn’t change ellie, jesse couldn’t change ellie and not even dina could do it, ellie had to change and forgive herself alone. the point I’m trying to make is that abby is no better than ellie and ellie is no better than abby, they’re both emotionally drained women who are not wrong or right in the end of things.

DINA (support and reflection)

dina is the only character I will 100% defend because she’s flawless and did absolutely nothing wrong during the whole game. in my head she represents ellie’s good side, dina is the constant reminder that ellie hasn’t lost her humanity and hasn’t completely changed into someone else because of revenge, even when she has her downs (example: calling her a burden when dina says she’s pregnant). dina is the most forgiving and loyal character, she loves ellie more than anything and it shows. the sad part of it is that even with dina’s huge amount of love and affection, that doesn’t stop ellie from going in the wrong direction, which brings us to another life lesson: loving someone is a choice you make everyday and nobody can control your choices when you’re determined to do something.

ellie decided to go after abby, dina followed and supported her the whole way through, then she took that for granted and left dina and JJ behind to go after abby again (after abby let her and dina live) officially breaking dina’s heart. that was a choice, dina obviously cared so much about ellie, loved her so much but she couldn’t change ellie’s mind. but the point here is that dina is a reflection of ellie’s bright side, she keeps ellie sane until the very last moment, saving her life multiple times, going with her in a revenge journey, “you go, I go, end of story”, telling the wolves to fuck off and staying by ellie’s side, constantly putting her life at risk while being pregnant, she has loves ellie for such a long time even before getting with jesse (you can read ellie’s journal where she says cat told her dina is jealous of their relationship) and she probably took ellie back when she came back from santa barbara (a theory that I believe in because it makes sense).

dina is one of the few positive ends in the universe of the last of us, highly optimistic, funny, beautiful and an amazing support system for ellie. if it weren’t for dina, ellie would’ve become a monster.

LGBTQ+ REPRESENTATION (ellie x dina and lev)

it’s 2020 and people are still talking shit about the game just because of queer characters. that’s why I say people who hate the game are people who either didn’t capture the story or just didn’t even try to pay attention because of a closed mindset bigot sandwiches. representation is the best path to general acceptance, making people see different stories and realize that someone’s gender or sexuality does not influence on the quality of art.

ellie is a lesbian, that’s clear in the game when she says she’s “not into jessie’s type” (such a nice dialogue by the way), she talks about her ex girlfriend and clearly has had a crush on dina for the longest time (probably the reason why she broke up with cat).

dina is bisexual, in my opinion she always had a crush on ellie but maybe she lost motivation to to after her when she started to get close to cat and started talking to jessie because of that and it ended up working.

now dina and ellie’s relationship is probably the only thing that keeps us sane throughout the game, when we sit down to think “thank god ellie has dina, that means she’s not alone”, which is basically the whole concept of it, ellie not being alone because dina is there to hold her to the ground and stop her from becoming someone she doesn’t want to be.

lev being trans is something I can‘t have an opinion on, I have seen both sides: people saying it was a good approach and others saying it wasn’t an accurate representation. I’m not trans so my opinion isn’t valid and I can definitely see why many people think it was a bad reach but I also can see the other side, so I won’t comment on that.

the nice thing about representation in this game is that they brought it up as a normal thing, the only moment the focus is sexuality is when seth was being a dick and called dina the d-word, ellie got defensive but dina stopped her from getting into a fight. even then the main focus of that situation was how ellie dealt with joel saying she didn’t need his help. the point was never ellie’s sexuality, never, not even in a single moment, because it was never an issue. in a post apocalyptic society people don’t pay much attention to being homophobes (unless they’re in a fanatic religious cult or just assholes like seth).

the game approached the subject very bluntly but in a normal way, not making it that huge of a deal but it is a big deal for those who seek comfort and/or are dealing with their sexuality in a way. if a character they admire ends up being part of a minority group, they can relate to that and feel more comfortable in their own skin. we’re here, we’re real and we exist even in a fucked up infected world.

ENDING + THOUGHTS (moving on)

the last of us part II is a story about revenge, being completely different than part I which is a story about love and surviving. what happens in the second game are the consequences of the first, the choices joel made reflected upon himself, saving ellie costed everything; the cure, people’s lives and maybe a brighter future. people who are bashing the game for it’s storyline and how things went down need to understand that it’s not because we love joel that his actions didn’t matter to others. joel is a human being, so is abby and those who got harmed by joel’s choice to save ellie. joel killed abby’s dad, abby went after him for revenge, a predictable and reasonable thing to do if you just try to see it from her point of view, keep in mind that ellie would do the same exact thing.

if you can’t get yourself to see things from other people’s point of view, you missed the whole point of the game. the storyline isn’t summed up in “revenge is bad don’t do it kids”, it’s just based on the fact that death can never and will never bring you any sort of relief.

the game is the reflection of the cycle of revenge. abby going after joel for killing her dad, ellie going after abby and killing all of her friends in the process, abby finally breaks the cycle letting ellie and dina live but ellie couldn’t get over the guilt and went after abby again, yet she ended up letting her ago and officially breaking the chain for good.

the whole concept of the game is how seeking someone else’s suffering can lead to full destruction of someone’s character and values.

if ellie had killed abby she would’ve turned into the monster she was fighting against and she would lose literally everything she hadn’t already lost: her humanity. I don’t actually know the exact reason that compelled ellie to let abby go, maybe it was losing her fingers and realizing that she’ll never be able to play guitar again, which was her very last memory of joel and what he taught her. it could also be thinking of lev and how he’s the only thing abby has and vice versa, which is what she had with joel and what was taken from her, therefore she didn’t want to turn into the person who put someone through the same pain she was going through. technically if she killed abby she would have to kill lev to avoid him coming after her and continuing the cycle and doing that would kill ellie even more.

to make this shorter, abby moved on earlier than ellie. mostly because abby actually got her revenge killing joel but you gotta look through things before you put all the blame on her. ellie lost everyone in her life, her parents, riley, tess, sam and then joel, going after abby was a defense mechanism since she couldn’t have done anything to save those she lost before, but losing the one who took care and raised her was something she couldn’t bare, specially when she thought joel was the only person she had even though they weren’t in good terms and she and dina weren’t a thing yet.

ellie needed to revenge joel at all costs because that’s what she thought he would want, but in the end she realizes he would want her to move on and be happy, because that’s what he always tried to give her: the best shot in life that he couldn’t give sarah. ellie thought that by killing abby she would be able to let go, when in reality she would just feel more guilty for leaving lev alone like she was having no emotional relief concerning her PTSD. ellie got to that beach fully aware that killing abby wasn’t going to solve any of her problems, but a single memory of joel made her make the decision that she wasn’t going to let her go without a fight. their final fight was silent, in the middle of nowhere, they had absolutely nothing to say to each other because they were both fighting for nothing but excessive mental emptiness. they both knew that nothing would bring their loved ones back and they were ready to move on.

what the game wants to teach you is that nothing good comes from searching revenge and other’s suffering. ellie gets consumed by her own view of justice and ends up losing herself both inside and outside, when she comes to terms with the fact that killing abby won’t bring joel back from the dead, it’s already too late. she lost jessie, her friendship with tommy, her good memories with joel, her fingers which results in her not being able to play guitar anymore, the love of her life and her son.

in the last of us part one ellie says that her biggest fear is to end up alone, and the saddest part of all is that her actions led her to making that fear come true. the ending is ambiguous, it can mean something different to different people depending on what you choose to interpret things and how you view the characters. for some, ellie could just end up alone looking for a life purpose that doesn’t involve anyone from her past. to others, ellie returned to jackson and proved dina that she loved her and that now she’s ready to fully commit because she let go of her anger and is at peace with herself and her inner struggles. but that’s all up to you to decide what you want to believe in.

at the end of the day, this storyline is beautiful, heartbreaking, breathtaking and emotionally draining. it makes you think and open your mind to new perspectives, which is honestly one of the best things art is able to do, create a new universe for you to deep your thoughts in and take your own conclusions. the last of us didn’t have a bad or good ending, it had a realistic ending. just because they didn’t make this the way you wanted it doesn’t mean the writing is bad, it means you’re probably disappointed and that’s fine, but hating on it isn’t the way to make a point.

I can only thank everyone involved for creating this world and making me so invested in it, connecting me with these amazing characters and emotions that I never experienced playing a game before. there is nothing more to say except: endure and survive.

[thotfuss]

I kind of agree with the other Annonymous writer, I have both your ex and your feed. She apologizes for the things she did wrong and never says a bad word about you. She fully admits to things. It does feel wrong to keep calling her out as an abuser because she has been getting targeted and crucified because of your words. Is that not just as bad really? Friends and family, of course, will always take your side ALWAYS. You should listen to your heart. I am sure you loved her once.

I’ll be honest, I wrote a really angry stream of consciousness response to this, deleted it, considered not answering this at all, wrote out an actual response, told myself I didn’t owe it to anyone to explain, deleted that, and then wrote it again. Maybe this is my fault for talking about it or referencing it on here, but I never used her url or name, and I never went into detail. I saw it as me using my own blog to express my feelings, which, maybe I shouldn’t have. So I’m sorry if that’s the case. i was never “calling her out,” simply expressing my own feelings on my personal blog, i’m sorry if that was irresponsible. But I am not okay with the messages I’ve been getting lately. This is one of...5 similar ones sitting in my inbox rn? So I am NOT answering this to put my ex on blast or to target and crucify her, and I DON’T owe this explanation to anyone but for my own peace of mind I’m going to explain! (under a read more for abuse tw)

First of all, even if she DID admit to things she did wrong and apologizes for them, it doesn’t make it...not abuse? I seriously doubt she’s getting targeted and crucified, I haven’t posted her URL on here, haven’t even used her NAME, and her family and friends were extremely supportive of her and her actions when all this was happening.

It took me MONTHS to even be able to consider labeling what happened as abuse. Even after my therapist, my family, my friends, EVERYONE who knew about even a FRACTION of what was going on, had said that it was categorically emotional abuse I still felt like i was exaggerating or asking for attention. and to be honest, I still feel like that! 

My ex was insecure. I wrote everything that happened off as her being insecure for SO long, because every time I brought up an issue she would say I “wasn’t supporting her,” and that I should “know how it felt” because of my own issues with mental illness. But when I look back at some of the things that happened-I went to visit my sister back in September, and when I told my ex, she threatened to break up with me if I went. She also threatened to break up with me after my sister gave me a string bracelet she’d made me before leaving for college, because my ex thought that if I put it on, I’d be “replacing her.” I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my family in any capacity unless she was there. I wasn’t allowed to have other friends, I wasn’t even allowed to spend time by myself. She got angry if I spent time on homework, if I went home to do laundry, even if I wanted to sleep. She would say I’d rather sleep than spend time with her, so I was averaging 5 hours of sleep on a GOOD night. she lived about 30 minutes away from me, and I work a lot of night shifts. 

I would often go home before going to her place to change, feed my frog, etc, and she would get FURIOUS over this. She forced me to keep my location services on at all times, despite my telling her that it made me incredibly anxious and paranoid. If she saw me at my parents’ house, my apartment, the store, ANYWHERE without me having told her that I was going there, she would call me until I picked up and explained. 

She forced me to put her fingerprint into my phone so that she could go through my phone whenever she wanted. When I expressed discomfort, I was told both by her and her mother (who genuinely thought everything I’m outlining was an okay way to treat someone, which made it really hard for ME to tell that it wasn’t because I was surrounded on all sides by people telling me the opposite) that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue. She read through old chats of mine, and got upset about things I’d said to people before I’d even MET her-telling my friends I loved them, etc. She would monitor my social media activity, and if I was active somewhere and hadn’t messaged her back in a few minutes, she would call me repeatedly until I picked up. If I didn’t pick up immediately-If I was in class, at work, asleep, etc, she would later cite that as a reason she couldn’t trust me.  There was one morning where I woke up and she had turned my alarm off, and was on my phone scrolling through my phone calls and asking why I had called a certain number the day before but hadn't called her (I had called my dentist's office to reschedule an appointment.) While I was at work, she texted me calling me a fucking asshole and a cheater, based off of this situation alone.

I’m an art major, and I draw a lot! I like drawing portraits, I’ll sketch people in class, etc, and when she saw that she would accuse me of being in love with the nameless stranger I’d sketched in the coffee shop or something. She told me that the figure drawing class I was taking was “basically cheating,” to the point that I dropped out of it. She would go through my sketchbook constantly, which is something that’s very personal to me and I told her this. She once again cited that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it should be fine. She got angry at me for drawing fictional characters, even guys, which. I’m a lesbian! But she would get jealous and have a meltdown. 

She CONSTANTLY accused me of looking at other girls in public, even though I truly never was. I was driving us home from somewhere once, and looked in my sideview mirror to merge lanes, and she thought I was checking out the girl who was walking by on the sidewalk and blew up at me. Multiple times, she would get upset at me while we were driving somewhere and try to jump out of my moving car over an issue such as the one I just mentioned. 

She would get mad when I wore makeup to class or work, or even dresses or nice clothes. I would tell her that I just LIKED that dress, or that I just enjoyed doing makeup, and she would say I was only doing it to ‘impress other girls.’ On the other hand, she got upset several times when I DIDN’T wear makeup when we went out, because she said I wasn’t making an effort for her. 

She got upset at me when I didn’t finish meals, which she said triggered her own issues. I explained several times that my own anxiety (not food-related, just general) messed with my appetite a LOT, and made it hard for me to eat sometimes. 

She also gets mad when I don't finish my food, and stuff like that. I get that that's because of her eating disorder, obviously, but she still takes it out on me. All of this, when I react defensively or show that I'm hurt by her accusations, she says that i'm not giving her the "reassurance" she needs.

When I brought any of this up, she would have a melt down and cite her insecurities and mental health issues. I have major anxiety and depression issues, I've been hospitalized for it before and go to therapy once a week and am also on a lot of medication for it. When I had depressive episodes, bad days, or anxiety attacks, she would often get mad at me, and said I was sulking, or she said that it must mean I didn’t love her because she didn’t make me happy enough. I usually ended up comforting her over it.

On the anxiety note, I also tend to break out in a rash on my chest and neck when I'm anxious, and I will clarify that this looks NOTHING like hickeys. My neck gets red and blotchy, and I get itchy. when this happens, she LOST it every time without fail, melting down and telling me over and over "stop lying! just tell me who it was who did you do this with," etc, etc.

She told me that if we broke up, she would probably let her own mental health issues get worse, and would stop eating all together. She also flat out LIED about this when I brought it up later, saying that I was the one who had threatened to hurt myself if we broke up. She told me this, and other people this, and made up similar stories, so much that I started to believe it. I was apologizing for my own existence by the end of it, for every word out of my mouth, I was going crazy. I didn’t even REALIZE how bad it was, until I mentioned to my sister that I hadn’t driven the 30 mins over to her house one night due to the bad weather, and she had called me and called me until I picked up, forced me to send her pictures of the roads(?) and then said she’d “rather have someone who would drive on bad roads for her.” This wasn’t even near the worst thing that had happened, but the fact that my sister CRIED over that made me take a step or two back. And I left. Like...a few weeks after that. and it was HARD, it was the hardest thing I”ve EVER had to do, because i GENUINELY thought I was condemning someone to die. Like she fucked me up that bad! I still feel guilty. But I did it! She told me that nobody else would ever love me like her, that nobody would accept my mental health issues, etc, but guess what! I did it! 

And she STILL tried to contact me, refused to leave me alone, showed up at my WORK with a letter and flowers wanting to work it out (and sure she says this was romantic, whatever, but she forced me to unblock her number and hug her and now cites that as me “still feeling the same”) and made like...several different accounts to message me on here after I kept blocking the new ones she made. 

I have NO idea what she’s saying about me, and I don’t care. I want more than anything to move on. I hope she’s happy, I do! I get really, really, angry about it sometimes and I feel horrible for the way her isolating me made me cut off some very important people in my life. I’m still hurting, but i’m HAPPY. I want to move on, I don’t want this to be who I am, it doesn’t define me and I’d love to move on and meet other people and not have this fucking haunting me! And she keeps finding ways to bring it up. I wish her no ill will, and I”m not saying she’s a bad person. I’m not! But I am entitled to my feelings in the matter, I”m allowed to say that it sucked, I’m ALLOWED to say that it was abuse because there are things that happened that I haven’t even told my therapist, because it’s too hard to think about. I’m allowed to move on. Please, please allow me to move on. 

I’m not going to answer anything else about this, maybe I shouldn’t have talked about it in any capacity on here, maybe that’s my fault. But please stop messaging me about it. 

[themackenzies]

Thoughts on Outlander 5.05 - ‘Perpetual Adoration’

Time is a lot of the things people say that God is. There’s the always preexisting, and having no end. There’s the notion of being all powerful—because nothing can stand against time, can it? Not mountains, not armies. And time is, of course, all-healing. Give anything enough time, and everything is taken care of: all pain encompassed, all hardship erased, all loss subsumed. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Remember, man, that thou art dust; and unto dust thou shalt return. And if Time is anything akin to God, I suppose that Memory must be the Devil. — Prologue, A Breath of Snow and Ashes

Wow, I loved this episode, and for the first time this season I’m excited to sit down and write about Outlander.  The 1960′s flashbacks, Roger and Bree hashing things out, adorable Adso (I am a dog person, but geez that’s a cute kitten)...this episode felt nostalgic, and good, and right.  Material from the books was adapted really well and didn’t feel shoehorned in.  To be honest, after last week’s ‘The Company We Keep’, I was considering abandoning the show because I was so disappointed by the writing and characterization of Roger.  But, after Episode 5?  I’m excited to see the rest of the season!

There’s a lot to unpack from this episode, so I won’t touch on everything, or this will get too long, but here are my thoughts.

Since the title card for this episode is taken from the flashbacks, I’ll start my episode review by talking about Claire, Joe, and Bree in the 1960′s.  Claire’s voice over of the prologue from A Breath of Snow and Ashes gave me goosebumps, as did Bree’s line, “Man, I guess you never really know what’s coming, do you?”

It’s so great seeing Joe again, even though it makes me sad that we never got to see Roger or adult Bree interact with him on the show.  I smiled at the reference to the romance novel The Impetuous Pirate from Voyager.

The lounge wasn’t empty. Joseph Abernathy sat in one of the rump-sprung stuffed chairs, apparently absorbed in a copy of U.S. News & World Report. He looked up as I entered, and nodded briefly to me before returning to his reading. The lounge was equipped with stacks of magazines— salvaged from the waiting rooms— and a number of tattered paperbacks, abandoned by departing patients. Seeking distraction, I thumbed past a six-month-old copy of Studies in Gastroenterology, a ragged copy of Time magazine, and a neat stack of Watchtower tracts. Finally picking up one of the books, I sat down with it. It had no cover, but the title page read The Impetuous Pirate. “A sensuous, compelling love story, boundless as the Spanish Main!” said the line beneath the title. The Spanish Main, eh? If escape was what I wanted, I couldn’t do much better, I thought, and opened the book at random. — Chapter 18, Voyager

The 60′s costumes, sets, and hair were on point.  Man, I really miss the 60′s-70′s stuff (and wish there had been more of Roger and Bree in that time in Season 4 - flashes back and forth like they did with Claire and Jamie in Season 3 would have been awesome).  I also liked how the flashbacks connected with the 1700′s story lines.  It wasn’t until I rewatched that I even really listened to and absorbed Claire’s voice over throughout the episode about God and the spiderweb:

“I wonder, is time God’s eternal web, silk strands stretching through time, the mildest touch setting off vibrations that echo through the eons? ... Is God the spider, embracing us through our death and resurrection, or is he simply the spinner of the web, watching as the silk shimmers and vibrates through the cosmos, awakening the real spiders, the ones lurking deep within the recesses of our own natures? ... God the infinite, God the merciful, God the eternal.  Someday, I will stand before God and I will receive answers to all my questions about everything in his universe, and I do have many questions.  But I won’t ask about the nature of time. I’ve lived it.”

There was something about the spiderweb metaphor that sounded really familiar, but I couldn’t recall if it was taken from any of the books or not.  So, I did a search for “spiderweb” in The Fiery Cross, and found a couple of passages that I’m still mulling over.  There’s this bit from Chapter 37:

“Brianna. What do you want? Do you want Stephen Bonnet dead?” She glanced at me, then away, looking out the window while she patted Jemmy’s back. She didn’t blink. Finally, her eyes closed briefly, then opened to meet mine. “I can’t,” she said, low-voiced. “I’m afraid if I ever let that thought in my mind … I’d never be able to think about anything else, I’d want it so much. And I will be damned if I’ll let … him … ruin my life that way.” Jemmy gave a resounding belch, and spit up a little milk. Bree had an old linen towel across her shoulder, and deftly wiped his chin with it. Calmer now, he had lost his look of vexed incomprehension, and was concentrating intently on something over his mother’s shoulder. Following the direction of his clear blue gaze, I saw the shadow of a spiderweb, high up in the corner of the window. A gust of wind shook the window frame, and a tiny spot moved in the center of the web, very slightly. “Yeah,” Brianna said, very softly. “I do want him dead. But I want Da and Roger alive, more.”

And also this bit from Chapter 73:

She had begun to realize, listening to the talk in the Sherstons’ parlor over the last few weeks, that the Colony was a vast spiderweb. There were innumerable strands of commerce along which a few large spiders—and a number of smaller ones—made their delicate way, always listening for the faint hum of distress made by a fly that had blundered in, always testing for a thinning strand, a broken link. The smaller entities glided warily along the margins of the web, with an eye out always for the movements of the bigger ones—for spiders were cannibals—and so, she thought, were ambitious men. Her father’s position was prominent—but by no means so secure as to resist the undermining effects of gossip and suspicion. She and Roger had talked about it before, privately, speculating; the fracture-lines were already there, plain enough to someone who knew what was coming; the strains and tensions that would deepen into sudden chasm—one deep enough to sunder the colonies from England. Let the strain grow too great, too quickly, let the strands between Fraser’s Ridge and the rest of the Colony fray too far … and they might snap, wrapping sticky ends in a thick cocoon round her family and leaving them suspended by a thread—alone, and prey to those who would suck their blood.  

Back on Fraser’s Ridge...

That pillow talk scene between Roger and Bree is the best romantic chemistry I’ve seen between them this season (yes, even better than their wedding).  Sophie and Richard acted their scenes, most of which were adapted from Chapter 6 of The Fiery Cross, extremely well.

She was an only child, as he was; she knew the yearning for connection and closeness—but hers had been gratified. She had had not one loving father but two. A mother who had loved her beyond the bounds of space and time. The Murrays of Lallybroch, that unexpected gift of family. And most of all, her son, her flesh, her blood, a small and trusting weight that anchored her firmly to the universe. But Roger was an orphan, alone in the world for such a long time. His parents gone before he knew them, his old uncle dead—he had no one to claim him, no one to love him for the sake only of his flesh and bone—no one save her. Little wonder if he hungered for the certainty she held in her arms when she nursed her child.

My one complaint is that I wish Bree hadn’t stayed silent after Roger asked, about Jemmy’s paternity, "In your heart, what do you truly believe?”  That discussion was very heartbreaking.

Thankfully, Roger returns to Bree in the morning, apologetic, after his heart to heart with Claire.  

“Oh I wish I had a bit of a husband’s intuition.”  “You haven’t been married very long. Intuition comes with listening and time.”  “I have time in spades.” [...] “Roger, don’t be careless with the time you have together.”

Perhaps Roger is remembering what he told Jocasta in Episode 1: “I may not have any property or money, but I have time.  And I will give it all to Brianna and Jeremiah.”  

Everything comes full circle at the end of the episode when Jamie returns home, and Claire shares what’s on her mind:

“Do you know what I finally realized after all these years? Just how much I owe him. His death had a profound effect on me, so much so that I took a leave of absence from work, and went to London with Brianna, and that was where I learned of Reverend Wakefield’s passing.  Had we not attended that funeral, we would never have crossed paths with Roger or...or found you.”  

A few final, stray thoughts:

I know the priest’s line, “No one’s lost who’s not forgotten” is about Claire remembering Jamie...but, Stephen Bonnet haunting Brianna is what popped into my mind.  Brianna has forgiven Bonnet, but hasn’t forgotten him.

Lizzie being present during Kezzie’s surgery and blushing/smiling when he had to drop his britches was funny and cute.  They’re clearly laying groundwork for Season 6 (or maybe Season 5?).

I love the sunshine and verdant trees in this episode.  It was pretty and refreshing.

Even though I loved Roger in this episode, I haven’t forgotten how poorly he was written in the first 4 episodes and in ‘The Company We Keep’ in particular.  I’ll leave that rant for another post, though.

I’m still puzzled by Roger and (maybe?) Bree wanting to back through the stones.  On thelitforum.com, Diana said something about the writers, in the first episode, establishing that Bree promised Roger they would go back.  But, if Bree made a promise like that, we haven’t heard about it on screen.  I don’t understand why that would be cut, because it’s important context to have.

I don’t really have anything to say about Jamie in this episode.  I’m bored by the Regulator story line, and am anxious for us to get to Alamance, so all of that can finally be put to bed.  

Based on the preview for Episode 6...it looks like Jamie and Claire will be going to Jocasta’s wedding by themselves, while Roger and Bree stay on the Ridge.  Interesting.

Roger’s scruff was perfect.  Crossing my fingers he stops shaving for the remainder of the season.

“Women will do anything for trinkets, coins, jewels. Anything at all.  They’re yours for a pretty penny, or a diamond, or a ring.”  “My lass is more concerned with words and deeds.”  Bonnet makes me want to vomit, but I loved Roger’s response about pragmatic Bree.

I love how naturally God and religion are being woven into this season.  It makes me wish the show runners had the guts to do it in earlier seasons.

[soosdraws]

hi! I love your art and it’s very lovely! but I wanted to ask as a beginner artist online how to make traction? its really disheartening to get no response so I always give up ://///

Hey anon! First of all an apology, because I don’t know if you’ve been waiting for an answer, since this ask has been in my inbox for awhile and I think it’s because I’ve really debated on how I want to answer this! I think that starting on social media is more difficult than people give credit for, in my opinion. 

I’ll give a detailed answer under the read more, because I have a feeling this answer will get really long, if you’re willing to keep reading! 

First and foremost, don’t take my words as hard fact. Everyone’s artistic journey is different and these are all things based off my own experience. Everyone will have different advice for you and it’s important that you take in what personally resonates with you and throw out things that you don’t think apply to you. Don’t let anyone’s advice confuse you and be honest with yourself! 

To start, I think the first and best thing to do before starting on social media is to have a good relationship with your art. It’s hard, but I think in the long run you should really value yourself as an artist: acknowledge your strengths and love your art for what it is. Posting on social media will inevitably cause you to start valuing your art only as much as the number of likes, retweets, notes, etc. And that will REALLY put you down. It’s not a pretty place to be. You should never value your art with the numbers you pull, because in the end they don’t say anything about your talent. You ARE a good artist, your art does deserve to get seen, and the fact that your art doesn’t seem to be shared online does NOT reflect that whatsoever. 

Also I think limiting your time on social media is really important. I don’t want to be that person that says “technology bad, social media toxic” because that’s not it. However, as an artist it’s hard not to compare yourself to the thousands of other talented people out there. Also, depending on how much people you follow, it can be overwhelming to see hundreds of artists seemingly posting amazing art on what seems to be a daily basis while you seem to be the only one struggling. Obviously this is not the case, but being on social media frequently can definitely cause you to think that way. Also, while expanding your visual library is a good thing, exposure to too much information all at once can get overwhelming and just make you anxious instead. I’ve definitely been in that place where I questioned if I will ever get as good as the artists I look up to or if I’m a good artist at all. When I get in those moods, best thing is to go offline and honestly take a nap, go on a walk, read a book, or just stare into space lol! Just something to take your eyes off social media for a bit. 

Also, even if you aren’t pulling numbers in your first days, weeks, months, or years online, don’t delete your posts, especially if you’re proud of it! When I first started on social media, the first post of mine to really take off, got notes only months after I first posted it because a bigger blog than mine shared it. Don’t be embarrassed by low numbers, I promise you there is no one tracking your posts and making fun of low numbers on art or whatever. I think every creator knows the struggle of trying to advertise themselves on social media. 

I also have my notifications turned off for all my social media. That way I have whatever posts of mine that get uploaded out of sight and out of mind, I don’t have to be constantly reminded that my art is getting attention or none at all. I also upload my art only at times where I have something important right after. Like I’ll post either right before class, before I have to do chores, before work, etc. Because that way I won’t be tempted to look through my social media to see if my notes are ticking up or whatever. This really helped when I was first getting started, but I found that the allure of getting lots of “notes” or “likes” kinda falls away with time? I like to share my art because of the few people that leave compliments, send kind asks, and what not. I’m not a “big” artist with like 10k+ followers or anything, but I think that as long as there are even some people enjoying my art, it’s really fine with me. I’m going to keep drawing anyways. 

And I think that’s the most important thing. To just keep drawing. If you find that posting your art on social media actually hinders your want to create and gets you frustrated instead, wait until you’re more happy with yourself as an artist, it’s never too late to start on social media. It might feel like it will never happen and to be completely honest, the feeling of never feeling good enough will probably be constant. The best way to combat it is to just get your first post out there and if it gets no notes, just brush it off. It is what it is. You will eventually build up a substantial amount of emotional immunity to that kind of pressure. Also, after finishing a piece, look at it and just note all the things you’re proud of in that piece. Keep that in mind, and be proud of your art. So even if it maybe doesn’t get notes, it’s still good to you and in the end, if your art makes you happy that’s all that matters. Be happy in the things that you create, don’t make your art for anyone else, its yours and if it pleases you thats the end of that. Make it as self indulgent as possible! 

With all this said, there are more technical ways that you can advertise your social media to try and up your chances of being noticed, all based on formatting your art pieces to catch people’s eye, posting schedules, how to efficiently advertise yourself, etc. But that’s a different field altogether. Though if you’re curious about that too, don’t hesitate to ask and I can offer some tips in that way as well, though I feel it’s less important in the long run! 

I hope this post helps out some and cheer you on your art journey! Keep going and don’t give up! 

[lefaystrent]

That one time Deceit played hero in the mindscape

Fandom: Thomas Sanders, Sanders Sides

Pairings: none

Summary: Deceit goes to the common rooms to find that everyone...is acting too much like themselves.

Notes: This was written when I was very drunk. I wasn’t sure whether to post it or not, but I went back to reread it and laughed hysterically, so here ya go. I’ve corrected the typos for readability’s sake, but left the content as a whole untouched.

Deceit needed to go to the common rooms to grab some cucumber slices for his face mask. He walked in and had the startle of a lifetime.

Roman assaulted his ears with the choir of Disney. His voice reached highs and lows of majestic content the likes of which could never be seen anywhere outside of the whole Thomasfere. Dee wasn’t even down the last of the stairs when Roman threw a bunch of roses at him.

“insert Spanish here,” Roman said suavely, an acoustic trill accompanying his every word, like as if there was a Spanish guitar dude following him everywhere just for the aesthetic.

“I understand that you’re flirting with me but not much else,” Dee said honestly, because even he had to be honest at least two times out of the whole year.

Roman, unbothered, tangoed away. That’s when Dee could really take in the rest of what was happening.

The others were there, but they were in varying phases of manic frenzy. Patton was standing on the couch, bouncing on the cushions and crying as he angrily recited that Kant dude. Yeah, he was smart. And Logan was standing in his usual spot between the couch and stairs, but he had like, futuristic holographic computer screens in front of him, like in some fanart shit, and he was gleefully going through all the tabs. Like, he probably was the sort of nerd who had fifty tabs open. His eyes were wide to take in all the screens, and despite the giant ass grin on his face, he was also crying like Patton.

“But where art Virgil?” Dee wondered aloud, scanning the vicinity until his snake eyes rolled onto the shadowed figure huddled by the wall near the entertainment center. He too cried tears of great sadness, but he was doing a funky shake that let Dee know that anxious behavior was really overwhelming. Dude.

“Is he okay?” Dee asked. Roman was still dancing, so Patton had to answer for him.

“My son is fine if you only squint at him.”

Dee looked with eyes wide open.

Virgil gave a sob of despair and shoved his head through the wall.

“That looks serious,” Dee commented.

“It’s a phase,” Patton shrugged off and began doing jumping jacks. With hoola hoops. It was a whole competitive sport by this point.

Logan snickered evilly from the side. Not used to this much emotion, Dee turned to him next. Before he could ask, Logan told him, “We’re all half banana.”

Logan was Logic, a being of truth that denied all falsehoods. He knew his stuff, and because he spoke the absolute truth, Dee screamed in horror. He didn’t want to be a banana, half or otherwise. He just wanted to be his snakey self, do a slither, smell the air with his forked tongue, bedazzle his cape maybe. Oh, and like his bowler hat. His bowler hat is really cool. It’s hat shaped.

“What has gotten into everybody?” Dee screamed in confused frustration. By now, Patton had bounced so strongly on the couch that his body had tried to breech the atmosphere itself. Sadly, a ceiling was in the way and he was currently stuck.

“Patton, mi amor, are you Gucci?” the prince asked.

“Just hanging out,” Patton said, hanging there, legs the only thing they could see.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” Logan admitted. His manic despair increased. He broke his glasses he was crying so hard. Holy crap, there’s a lampshade on my floor. It’s just sitting there, next to a santa hat? I just wanted y’all to know this. My sister used to eat lampshades too. Anyway, that has nothing to do with the story. Here we go.

“It looks like I’ll have to be the one to clean up this mess,” Dee observed. “Not that I want to,” he lied. He actually really cared for them a whole lot, and seeing them like this, losing their minds to their inner insanity, kinda made him mildly disturbed.

Dee left them where they were and went in search for a solution. He went to Patton’s room. Not because he thought there’d actually be a solution there, but because he wanted to steal some of the moral side’s clothes in case he wanted to masquerade as him again. But inside, he saw that the lights were flaring red, like if it’s world war two and you’re on a submarine and the hull has been breached and you’re not gonna make it back to that gal you swore you’d marry when the war was over. Sad face.

“This is perfectly normal,” he mused. He looked around the moral’s side’s room, thinking back to how all the sides were acting like downstairs.

They were themselves, but like . . . more so. Themselves times ten, as stereotypical as they could be. And like they wanted to damage the infrastructure. Seriously, what were they going to do about the holes in the walls afterwards?

If Patton’s room looked like this, then perhaps the problem originated from here? Each room did influence the other sides whenever they were in there. So what if . . . what if the influence had spread outside of the room? And everyone was experiencing the intensity of it?

“But why aren’t I affected then?” Dee wondered. He didn’t know that he had plot immunity. At any rate, he carried on to find a solution.

Almost too easily he found a giant lever on the wall. To the side of it was a bar reading ‘high’ up at the top and ‘low’ at the bottom. Currently the lever sat at the ‘high’ position.

Dee tutted ruefully and pulled the lever back down to a mediocre level. The red light stopped blaring and the usual fairy lights came back on. It was nice.

“That should do it,” Dee nodded to himself and went back downstairs.

Everything was back to normal except Virgil was still in the wall. Patton was out of the ceiling like normal, but Virgil was just unlucky like that.

“Sometimes I can still hear his voice,” Patton mourned his dark strange son, as if nobody could see him desperately slapping the wall where his head was embedded.

Dee sighed and went to help Virgil out like old times.

General Tag List:  @spectralheartt @a-pastel-pan @notalwaysthevillian @rose-gold-roman @ijustrealizedhowdumbmynamewas @katie-the-noble-fangirl @yourroyalydramaticanxiousness @aroundofapplesauce @merlybird500 @beach-fan @jemthebookworm @whats-going-on-kiddos @randomsandersides @gamerfreddie @unring-this-bell @that-royal-ravenclaw @analogicallythinking @lilygold23 @punsterterry @naw2702 @levy-the-b00kw0rm @iolanomsgranola @tacohippy56900 @lottavic @camariechris @accio-hufflepuff-power1 @just-another-rainbowblog @georganabanana @grey-says-heck

[leopardfang15]

My Charlastor Child Bio

Alright so, I can’t draw, so I’m gonna have to use the art of words to describe my boy. Kinda sucks cuz I always see these cool reference sheets and I’m sitting over here like “aww... I wish I could make those.” But hey, if anyone is interested in drawing one for me as a commission, I’d be interested in talking and working some prices out. Nothing too crazy, just a simple thing. Fair warning though, I’ve never commissioned anything before so... there’s that.

Now, to business.

Name: Dominic

Nickname: Dom. He is well aware of all the sexual jokes that can be made from his nickname, he’s heard them all and to be honest the lack of originality is the most annoying thing at this point.

Appearance: Physically, he’s inherited the blonde hair and pale skin from his mother. In his early teen years he wore it long enough to be in a braid but after awhile he was like ‘fuck it, too much work’ and wears it short as an adult. Dom’s very athletic and is actually a knight in Hell so he has a more muscular build. He’s a tall and red eyed boi like his dad and he gets the dial in his eyes that his dad has when he gets pissed off.

Another thing Dom inherited from his dad was his sense of style. While maybe not as flashy he is dressed formally when he’s not working out. (He’s not about to do push-ups or go at it with a punching bag in a suit you maniacs). Dom typically wears a long coat and works out by himself because he also inherited a fluffy deer tail from his father. Also like his Radio Dad, he does not like having his tail touched by random people.

His most notable feature would be the black, feathered wings on his back. That angel DNA from Charlie’s side has finally appeared. Dom’s got a wingspan of 12 feet and he knows how to use them.

Personality: He’s a fairly laid back joker. Whereas his parents are theatrical as fuck, he’s more of an observer than a performer. Of course his parents have taught him to sing and dance he usually does that alone to entertain himself or with other family members. Dom also enjoys playing small pranks around the hotel. He’s not one for outlandish ‘pretending to be dead’ or tripping someone down the stairs type pranks but more like sticking a deer crossing sign to his dad’s door.

He’s really family oriented and cares a lot about them. I do imagine him having siblings but I don’t have plans to make anymore but there are plenty already out there. #bestbigbrother. Dom is definitely a Mama’s boy. He will run errands for her and allow himself to be pulled into a dance or a song in public for her. Another fact about Dom is he is in fact an adrenaline junkie. His favorite activity is flying and he does things like jump from a 300 foot building for the sake of the rush.

Background

Childhood: Little Dominic was a tiny ball of energy, following both parents around like a puppy. Always asking what they were doing and wanting to help, if he could sit still long enough that is. Some of his favorite memories of his parents was his mother teaching him to dance and roughhousing with his dad. (Hard to imagine the Radio Demon wrestling with a child but he’d let him win and then play dead to see if he’d get an amusing reaction out of Dom. Dom would usually try to get his dad to ‘come back to life’ before he’d smile and say “I guess I get your stuff now” and grab one of his dad’s bow ties or something)

One of his favorite things to do was give his parents a heart attack climb up high places and try to teach himself to fly. Eventually Charlie gets Husk to teach Dom how to fly. He’s not able to do much until his wings fledge because before then he just has these two limbs full of fluffy and useless down. Fledging was a nightmare because because when his feathers came in he was super itchy but couldn’t scratch them without possibly breaking his feathers. He was absolutely miserable for a week before they finally came in. Dom eventually grew in Husk and he started looking forward to the little ankle biter to come running up to him saying, “can we practice flying now, Uncle Husk?”

Teenager: Ah, teenage rebellion. Dom went through that. In an effort to help him deal with all his energy (and keep him from sneaking out) Charlie got Vaggie to teach him to use a sword. But a teenage boy that likes to explore cannot be kenneled. He liked exploring Pentagram City, especially by air and seeing what knew place he could discover.

He eventually found places he could go to if he wanted to avoid his parents. If he wanted to avoid Charlie he’d go to some of the sketchy fight clubs in town and he actually learned how to fight there. If he wanted to avoid Alastor he’d go to some of the clubs that played heavier rock or metal. He typically wanted to avoid his dad more. While Charlie typically scolded him for doing dangerous aerial stunts but Dom could tell that was more about a worry for his safety. With Alastor, Dom felt like he just didn’t quite fit the mold his father expected of him. He saw a lot of differences between his father and himself personality wise. He eventually, more or less convinced himself that he was a disappointment to his dad and distanced himself from him. Alastor, figuring it was mostly just teenaged angst, just let Dom have his space and figured he’d come to him when he was ready.

Adult: Dom has mellowed out by now. He’s calmed down and is more comfortable in his own skin and with himself. He has carried a love of rock and roll and martial arts from his teenaged years into adulthood. Though I’m not sure how exactly yet, he has been knighted by his grandfather Lucifer. If a demon is avoiding a meeting with the Devil himself, Lucifer will pay Dom to find said demon and bring them to him. He’s kind of like his grandfather’s personal bounty hunter but does not take requests from anyone else. When he’s not chasing down demons for Grandpa Luci he works security at his mother’s hotel.

Dom’s relationship with his father is tense and very awkward at this point. He doesn’t hate his dad it just feels like the years of practical separation makes him feel like he has no way to relate to his dad. Interacting with him is usually short conversations like “How was your day?” “Good, how about you?” “Good.” (I got pleanty of ideas for attempts at rekindling their relationship)

Random Facts

His choice of transportation is obviously flying. Not only is it faster than driving but to comfortably fit in a car he has to retract his wings which isn’t very comfortable.

People seem to always want to touch him. His wings, his tail, his biceps and he does not like it. He’s a bit like his dad with his aversion to touch though that only applies to non-family members. If he doesn’t know you, please don’t touch him.

He doesn’t like overly crowded places because of people touching his wings. If he ever decides to go to a bar, or he has some kind of royal gathering he has to go to he has to think about what he’s willing to put up with; strangers touching his wings or the discomfort of hiding them away?

He has a one-handed sword that he can summon in a fight. It’s one of the few bits of more advanced magic he knows. Whereas some demons, like his parents will use magic in a fight, he’ll just punch a guy through a wall.

He can sing, though he doesn’t do it in public. By himself or around his family is fine. He typically sings rock and my Headcanon for his singing voice is Ivan Moody from Five Finger Death Punch.

His wings are a great indicator of his emotions. If he’s feeling anxious or scared he’ll pull them in close to his body and if he’s happy or excited his wings will flap a little. His feathers also change themselves. If he gets angry or he’s ready to fight his feathers will actually harden and sharpen.

He can launch his feathers like projectiles and he can also slice through plates of steel when the feathers on his wings turn to blades.

He has taken up smoking in his later teen years. Per his mother’s request, he doesn’t do it inside the hotel.

When he was eleven his father taught him how to shoot a rifle. As an adult, he sometimes goes down to a shooting range to practice.

He likes to show affection with his wings. Ex: putting a wing around someone for comfort, wrapping his wings around someone when he hugs them or if he’s taking a nap with a sibling he’ll wrap them up in a feathery cacoon.

He usually sleeps on his stomach. If he lays on his back for too long his wings cramp up. He’ll take short naps on a couch in the lobby but if he’s going to be for the night he’ll lay on his stomach.

He knows how to braid hair. His mother taught him because he liked to play with her hair. It’s something he does when they’re just relaxing and he’ll braid his siblings hair if they ask.

He can take passengers when he’s flying. He flies targets to his grandparent’s castle and he’s flown his mother places. It obviously depends on the demon but on average he can take two to three adult demons on a flight with him.

Well, let me know what you think. I’d be willing to role play with Dominic if anyone is interested. If enough people want it, I’ll make a side blog for Dominic and Hazbin Hotel roleplaying specifically.

Also, @the-radio-princess I have two Charlastor fics in the works. One I was working on before you ripped out my heart so it will be in the EverythingsOkay!AU where Charlie ran off to New Orleans with Jaimie. The other one is from one of my ideas from my Charlastor Headcanons post.

[james-bucky-barnackle]

Two Night Stand (Part 3)

Synopsis: (AU) You can’t wait for your contract to end and get that recommendation to get an actual job as a writer so you found yourself at a club drinking away to forget about the stress of your shitty job as the assistant of the biggest Editor in New York, you end up hooking up with the man of your dreams only to wake up to a nightmare when you find out he’s the son of your boss.

PART 2 | 2NS Masterlist

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: none

Word Count: 4k

A/N: I'm sorry I took sooooo long to update this! I just had a writer’s block :(( ALSOOOO, this whole fic is actually inspired by Tove Stryke’s album - SWAY, so check that out if you want to know what I listen to when I write this fic ok bye. (gifs not mine its from tenor)

“This is me,” I say as we get to the front of Winnie’s building. He moves closer to touch my back and was about to plant a kiss on my cheeks, when he quickly realizes we’re on a hazard zone. We both laugh, I bite my lips, he is such a dream.

“Where’s your next appointment at?” I ask, as he fishes his pocket for his phone.

“It was actually the building next to where we did the fitting,” he scratches his head. What?! He sees my surprised face. “I just wanted to spend six blocks with you,” I blush for the nth time. He’s ridiculous, I shake my head.

“You sir are out of your mind,” his head is shyly hanging low.

“I’ll see you soon?” his blue eyes look into mine, does he have magic gems in them? What is wrong with me? This is unfair. I wish I could look at someone with puppy dog eyes and get what I want.

“Yeah, sure. Let me just turn in my resignation letter and we’ll be on our merry way.” Of course it’s a joke. I feel like I’m 12, hiding my middle school boyfriend from my parents. He laughs again, I’m pretty sure passers by look at us like we’re patients fresh out of the mental hospital. Especially with me, I’m probably the one with the stray jacket smiling like an idiot. Now he bites his lips, we both have places to be and yet here we are standing stuck on the concrete sidewalk like lamp posts oddly placed too close together.

“Y/N?” Shit, I whip my head and I see Nat. Holy crap I thought it was Winifred. You know what? I’m too jumpy and nervous that even if it was a grown man’s voice, I’d still think it was Winnie. “Good afternoon, Sir Barnes,” she greets Bucky as soon as she sees who I’m standing next to. She knows who he is?! I work with his mother and I didn’t know who he was. I immediately take a step away from him. Nat raises her eyebrows at me and gives me a suspicious look that says What’s going on Y/L/N? And I reply with a Don’t look at me like that! Look that has my nostrils flaring. I see Bucky try to hide his amused expression. What did he even find attractive about me? Probably my stupid expressions, right.

“I-uh have to go, thanks for helping me, Y/N.” He sneaks in, and in a split second touches my arm before he waves at Nat and I see Vision pulling up the driveway. When did that happen?

“Bye,” I reply as he gives me this look that I know already says a paragraph for my haywire brain. He gets inside the car and they start driving off. I smile like I’m waving off my husband before he leaves for work, like the pearl necklace wearing housewives from the 60’s cereal commercials.

“Why do I feel like you’ve had way too much fun on that errand?” Oh right, Nat. I quickly purse my lips together, blowing air into my cheeks as I try to hide my smile. Nat’s not stupid. Am I high? Is this what it feels like? The smile isn’t going away, my cheeks are filled with air. I shake my head like a five-year old. Nat pinches my side.

“Ow! Hey!”

“You’re gonna get into so much trouble.”

“I’m not! What for?” I play dumb with her, so far she knows the title of this suspicion, and not the content. I’m still safe.

“I saw how you two looked at each other,” okay, maybe she saw a little trailer too. We start walking towards the building’s doors.

“I just helped him with the fitting, he was just thankful for the help,” I’ve said help twice, at this point I might as well add one more, since third time’s the charm, am I right? Nat nods at me, she’s suddenly nonchalant. Wait a minute, that’s it? She quit? Normally, she doesn’t stop until she knows everything. Okay, I’m not complaining. Good, I guess my secret’s still safe, then. We enter the elevator, floor number thirty here we go.

-

*Ding!*

“You what?!” Whoops, guess not.

“Don’t tell anyone! I’ll take care of Bruce’s dog for you!” Bruce is her boyfriend, and he has this french bulldog that he’d ask Nat to walk every night. Nat would rather be staying at home binge watching the making of a murderer than walking that cute hound. She hated that dog. How could anyone hate that dog? Sure he jumps a lot at people, but it’s because he’s excited. He’s a dog, what does she expect it to do? Walk around at home on two feet and wash the dishes?

“Fine, and you better be the one to give him his baths as well,”

“What does Bruce even do?”

“He feeds him”

“Are we a committee? It’s one dog Nat, you don’t need a village to raise a dog.”

“Are you gonna shut up or am I gonna unzip my mouth, because there’s your boss.” Oh shit, I scowl at her. I walk and immediately follow Winifred just before she gets to the door of her office and open it for her. She walks to her table and I replace her coffee with a new one, thank god I didn’t forget to get one on the way with Bucky. She lowers her glasses and peers at me like I’m a parasite.

“Tell me your not wearing that to the dinner meeting.”

“I’m- uh not.”

“I didn’t think so.” she lifts her glasses back up. I sigh, and fake a smile and snarl as soon as I turn my back. My phone beeps, it’s Sam, saying he’ll be ready to pick us up in thirty minutes, I tell Winifred and leave to sit at my desk. I open my drawer and pick a mirror up giving myself a once over. Maybe, the messy bun wasn’t ideal for a meeting at the Eleven Madison Park. I look like a bozo, do people even still use that word? I shake my head. I hear steps behind me, I look to see that it’s Clint. Just the person I need to get me out of this wardrobe disaster.

“Clint!” He turns around, a sudden glee to his face. He already knows it’s for a makeover, he skips in my direction. I laugh at his expression and I lift one of my camisole straps to signal the SOS and he points to the elevator. I give him a huge grin as I follow him to the lift. He presses floor number twenty, my favorite floor; the best floor, to be honest. I’m already excited, and I can tell he is too. Clint’s the art director, he’s the kindest. The moment I got in the View, he’s been a hero to me. He’s really close with Winnie, that’s why I was really anxious around him at first. But he was the only one who ate with me the first lunch I had in the building and even gave me a tour, and showed me all the ropes so I didn’t have to be such a nuisance to Winnie, not knowing where each department was located and what they did. The elevator doors open and I gasp, I feel like I’m in heaven. Racks of clothes, shoes and bags all over the whole floor. This was a luxury I could never see myself have in a million years.

“Come, sweetie let’s fix-” he gestures his hands over me like he’s swatting a fly, “whatever that is.” I shake my head and smirk.

“I’m ready.”I blow air up the strand of hair that’s fallen in front of my face.

Everytime me and Clint are together, he always tells me the best gossip. I rarely have any to share, but I’ve definitely been more observant of our coworkers. We’re at the aisle where the dresses are all lined up neatly. I see this gorgeous white off the shoulder dress that’s fitted. Clint sees me eyeing it, and pulls it from the rack. I put my hands up,

“Oh, no. I can’t wear that. I might stain it, and I definitely don’t have the money to replace that.”

“Honey, it’s all yours. I didn’t even know we still had this, it was for a 2015 photoshoot with Natalie Portman.” I almost trip, I’m I really serious about this? He pushes the dress onto me.

“Just wear it.” It’s not like I didn’t have a hint of disdain for it, he didn’t really have to ask twice. I ran to the dressing room and hope it fits. I pull my hair tie letting my hair snake behind my back. Okay, this looks really good. I’ve never really worn white before, and now that I’m pretty much checking myself out in the mirror, I think I’ll wear white more often. When I open the dressing room curtains, I see Clint holding nude stilettos, he’s literally my fairy godfather. I hug him tight, and I break free when he taps my shoulders, “oops, sorry. Too much?”

“Too much,” he replies.

“You’re. The. Best.”

“You owe me-”

“I know,” I kiss him on the cheek, thank him and say goodbye. I think I’m gonna have to start making a list of people I owe. I make a quick stop at one of the vanity tables at the far end of the floor and put a light dab of makeup on my face. Mostly just highlighter, lipstick and mascara. I steal a few pumps of the perfume on the table too, what good would it be working at the View if you couldn’t take advantage of the makeup lying around the styling department? I give myself one more look in the mirrored wall, and then click on the elevator buttons, now we wait. When I get back to my desk, I grab my iPad and a notebook just because, and stuff it all in my bag. I check everything, Winnie included. Sam’s already texted me that he’s already downstairs. I open Winnie’s office doors just as I see her standing up, and she gives me a smile- it looks like a genuine one. I tried to look into what it meant, it can’t be a real smile. Does she know I stole Natalie Portman’s dress? Holy shit she’s probably going to fire-

“Someone’s finally looking like a real employee,” she says as she walks out the door, I clutch the door handle tighter. Did she just compliment me?! Oh my gosh I wish I had it all on tape. This is never gonna happen again. I nod and am not even sure if I should thank her, she might think I’m too low if I thank her for that, that was definitely a compliment. I close the door and lock it, and when I turn around, she’s staring at the bag sitting on my desk. It’s the canvas tote bag, there goes my compliment, gone in a second.

“Go back inside, grab my black Louis Vuitton hand bag, borrow that,” what have you done with my boss?! “And throw this dust rug out,” there’s my girl.

I open her office door again and go inside to get the bag, I can’t wrap my head around this. Is this really happening? Is she high? What is going on? I see the bag on her shelf and grab it, it’s light, I open it and voila! It’s already empty, okay no need to declutter. I clutch it and leave the room. As soon as she sees me lock the door for the second time, she’s started making her way to the lift. I grab my tote and dump everything into the Louis Vuitton. I can’t believe she’s letting me borrow her bag, surely this has to be broken, maybe there’s a hole in it. I jump when I hear her voice interrupt my silent inspection.

“It’s in perfect condition. Don’t - ruin it,” yes, ma’am I gulp.

-

“Hi Sam,”

“Good evening Winnie,” he nods his head at her. “--hot damn!” he says when he looks to greet me, I nudge him with my shoulders and laugh. He opens the car for us and we drive to the venue. I open my iPad and scroll through the people that will be present at the meeting. Winnie doesn’t really give a damn about remembering names, you only ever need to know hers. Looks like Ken doll’s gonna be there too, that’s neat. Lowkey wished he was there too. I mentally smack myself, I’ve had way too much of him already, I’m being so selfish. Or am I? It’s not everyday you get to meet a guy like him. Okay focus, I scroll through the agenda and the topics that will be addressed for the meeting- hmm, so there’s an announcement. Oh boy, Winnie does not like to be surprised, this better be good. In a few minutes, we arrive and Sam opens the door for Winnie while I help myself out. The place is perfect, the ambiance warm and elegant. Sam parks the car and I follow behind Winnie. The host immediately ushers us to the table, located in one of the far corner of the restaurant, the perfect place for privacy.

As soon as we near the table, a man dressed in a very expensive suit stands up and lowers his shades, of course he’s wearing shades at night, and indoors, beside him is a statuesque blonde angel. I raise my eyebrows and lower them quickly as I whisper onto Winifred’s ears.

“Tony Stark of Stark Industries and Pepper Potts, the new CEO,” Winnie fakes a smile like I’m telling her something else as Tony removes his shades and the two of them hug, she hugs Pepper just after. He helps her to her seat, and before he sits on his, he gives me a once over. Okay, big guy. I speak onto Winnie’s ears like I’m her conscience, but instead of giving her advice on how to be a more decent human being, I’m telling her people’s profiles. By the time I’ve finished introducing everyone to her seated around the table silently, not wanting them to know Winnie is completely unaware of who a lot of them are, it’s probably been 20 minutes. Food has started being served, and I’m allowed myself a salad, before Winnie judges my eating habits. The last time she saw me eating, it was at my desk, sneaking bites of my cheeseburger, she looked like she wanted to puke.

“What’s the announcement Stark?” her voice is cold.

“Don’t wanna wait until dessert?” Stark replies.

“I don’t do dessert, sugar is the devil’s work.” Well Winnie, if you really wanna know what the devil’s work is, you might want to look in the mirror.

“Okay, I want to sponsor the View’s annual fashion ball.” I almost drop my fork, I immediately grab the glass and drink water, not wanting to be asked my opinion. Winnie’s paused, she’s silent, but she suddenly huffs, a small chuckle escaping from her lips.

“What do you want this year’s theme to be? Bolts and screws?” Stark’s the lead innovator for technological advancements, Winnie’s such a drag.

“I thought the Winnie could make fashion out of anything, bolts and screws too hard for you?” I can hear the mortal combat narrator saying “fight”. Tony raises his glass, Winnie smirks at him.

“Very well, what purpose does it serve to sponsor this year’s ball?”

“I’m venturing out into other things,”

“Fashion being one of them?”

“Winnie, when have I ever looked bad?”

“Well you did have this one time where you wore that ugly-”

“Besides the point,” I hide a giggle as I lowered my glass to continue munching on my greens. “I’m trying to reach out to new demographics, and it’s good PR, trying to fix last year’s bad run,” he continues chewing on his steak. Last year was a mess, his prototypes were stolen which was ironic considering his inventions were designed to ensure safety and security. Getting those stolen without the alarms going off in his own house, doesn’t really speak reliable. I already know Winnie’s gonna accept the offer, it’s her plan all along, she’s had one of Stark’s board members talk the idea to Stark, and Winnie uses drama to spark attention to her projects. Looks like Stark’s gonna be this year’s headliner. Tony bids a quick goodbye right after Winnie says yes and leaves Pepper to handle anything else, and the meeting continues and I’ve noticed Steve isn’t here yet, that’s not good, Winnie’s not gonna like that. Dessert’s already on the roll and I try to ignore Winnie’s glare when she sees the waiter put down a slice of cheesecake in front of me. I deserve this, let me be woman. As I take a chunk in, I hear one of the other people in the meeting ask Winnie.

“I heard your son’s in town, will he be attending the ball?” I immediately bite the spoon at the thought of him.

“Of course he would,” Winnie answers as a matter of factly.

“Any idea who his date might be?” my stomach drops, now that’s sad. He’s probably not gonna ask me, I mean who even am I? We’ve just met last night, and I can already see every hollywood tabloid making all sorts of nasty titles if he brought an unknown to the red carpet. Why am I even thinking about this? Of course he’s not gonna ask me, I’m a nobody, and hello? Earth to Y/N? We’ve known each other for what, two days?

“Probably the girl he was caught kissing by the paparazzi,” a woman from the other end of the table sneaks in. Wait what? Why that motherfucker, I knew it! He’s such a playboy, why did I not see that coming?

“Who? When?!” I hear Winnie, she’s shocked too. I fish for my phone, and immediately ask good ol’ google who exactly this girl is. I start typing his name.

“Her identity’s still a mystery to me, I thought you’d know Winnie. Looks like young Barnes is keeping secrets from his mother now,” oh you bet, he is, who could this woman be?! This morning?! He probably went out with someone before he came by Winnie’s office.

“It was just this morning, I saw the photos on Twitter too,” the guy chimes in. I’m scrolling rapidly on one of ET’s website, and I gasp. Winnie looks at me and raises her eyebrows, probably wishing I was dead for sneaking a gasp in between their conversation.

“Sorry! I don’t hiccup like normal people.” She rolls her eyes at me, I’m glad she let’s it go and immediately goes back with her conversation. I quickly exit my browser and put my phone in my bag. I’ve seen the photo, of Bucky and the girl he was kissing. She was wearing an orange camisole, denim jeans with her hair in a bun and her hands on Bucky’s shoulders. My heart jumps out of my body. Winnie can’t see that photo. I am dead. My face wasn’t seen, my back was turned to the camera, but I’m now time travelling through earlier events in my mind, did she know what I was wearing?! Okay, I came to her office, with the coats from Balmain, so I was covered, right? And when I excused myself out of the office, she didn’t even notice me that much since she was so focused on her dear Bucky. And now, I’m wearing this white off shoulder dress… Holy fuck, “Tell me your not wearing that to the dinner meeting,” my jaw drops, her voice repeats through my head over and over again. She’s seen me, in those exact same clothes, in that exact same hairstyle. I wished I was a different skin color right now, that would’ve saved my ass. But no, my palms suddenly feel sweaty. I’m thinking of what I could do. This is not happening, not yet. Oh my gosh, I can’t even think straight. Great, now I have to keep Winnie from ever seeing those paparazzi photos, which would be fucking hard because she’s got eyes everywhere! I’m surprised she hasn’t even seen it.

“If she’s got her back turned, what good would it be for me to look at it?” WHAT? I’m gonna start putting fruits on the altars of every religion I know. I’m thankfully confused, I have no idea what just happened. Why does it feel like I’m gonna get away with this? “She’s probably just one of my son’s models.” Okay this is gonna sound very contradictory, but 1) models? She thinks I’m a model? No wait, she hasn’t seen the photos; 2) his models?!

But being in this situation, sitting next to Winifred, iPad on my lap recording the meeting for me to type the transcript on my laptop later, Bucky’s sort of fading away, he sure is an eye candy… well, an actual candy… But my fear of Winnie definitely defeats dating him. These two Barnes are pulling me on two opposite directions, and I’m whacked not knowing where to go, I’m not so excited about meeting Mr. Barnes now, which direction is he gonna pull me into? I try not to even imagine. My heart is still pounding like crazy, Winifred wins - for now. Maybe try not to walk and kiss him in public, Y/N? That’d be great.

“Well Winnie, looks like the tabloids are not gonna let that paparazzi photo slide,” Pepper chirps in. No Pepper, shhh, be on my side, I thought you were an angel? I’m having your wings cut. She looks like she enjoys this topic. A voice jolts my body just as I try to grab my glass to have another drink.

“One week and I’m already the talk of the town.” I pull my head up slowly as if a camera’s zooming in to capture my blank expression. I’m wiped clean, how many emotional roller coasters do I have to experience? I want out. Of course, he’s here, of course.

“James!” Winnie kisses him on the cheek as he takes a seat just in front of me, great. Steve quickly follows behind him. “Steve,” Winnie grunts, “where have the two of you been? We’ve already finished the meeting!’

“Had something to turn in the office, I borrowed Steve for a bit,” Bucky replied as he gave me a wink, I kick him from under the table and gave him a quick stare. He looks to his side laughing. Steve takes the seat beside Winnie.

“Learn to look at the time James, and Y/N” I look up way too fast, “just email the transcript to Steve after you’ve done it.” I nod robotically.

“So who is it?” Pepper’s voice hums in the air.

“Who is?” Bucky answers, as he calls a waiter.

“The girl in the pap photo.” Pepper smirks.

“They’re that fast?” I’m about to burst into flames, in 6 months, I thought I’ve gone through the worst working in the View, but this boy right in front of me, has been giving me both heaven and hell. He really wants me to get in trouble.

“Stop making it longer than it has to be,” Steve interrupts, I look at him and see him smiling right at me. Oh. My. Gosh. He. Knows. I feel like my makeup has peeled off my face.

“Why don’t you guys just mind your own business?” he laughs as he points an accusing finger at Steve and shakes his head at Pepper.

“Guess Bucky’s already booked for this year’s ball,”

“Only if she agrees,” Bucky replies as I feel his feet playfully swinging at mine underneath the table. Oh my, here we go.

PART 4

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[friendlyneighborhoodborg]

Marc Appreciation Week 2019| Day 6: Collab| “Working Together”

Okay, this is actually late.  It is past midnight, technically Day 7.

I am actually posting Day 7 later today, hopefully before the week is out.

Anyway here’s the 6th day, and the only chapter in the dumpster fire to actually follow the prompt given.

Disclaimers were in Day 1.

Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

AO3 Link

(~3200 biddling words.  Why do I do this to myself?)

           Marc didn’t know what he was.  Today was weird: he didn’t feel girly anymore after last night, but at the same time he didn’t think the “he” suited him today.  He realized this must have been what Alix was talking about before, about non-binary gender.

           Being something that wasn’t a boy or a girl was trippy.  Marc had felt it before, probably, but knowing what it was (which felt obvious now, considering… well, everything he was currently feeling) made it… something.  For all the words he knew, he couldn’t peg one for the experience.

           It occurred that he ought to have been surprised by how quickly he had taken to reconsidering his pronouns.  But then, that’s what his gender did, didn’t it?  Didn’t he always know that his gender did that?  Hadn’t that been such a large source of his anxiety for years?

          And now he was just rolling with it.

          That morning, he had glanced at himself in a mirror, per his usual routine.  His old adjectives, “Not him again” and “Could be worse” were absent this time.  Instead, he had felt heavy.  Overdressed, perhaps, only in his own skin.

          But he could live with that.

          It still stank, because French didn’t have a third-gender pronoun.  That meant that, regardless of his actual self, he had to use male pronouns.

          So, he comfortably got dressed, did up his face in a way he thought would suit him, and left for school.

          Something was different that afternoon.  Alix wasn’t in for some reason, which automatically meant the art teacher (he still kept forgetting his name) was more relaxed.  Juleka and Rose were separated, for once.  Rose was sitting in a corner, feverishly scribbling down notes in her pad.  Juleka was in the opposite corner, reading a horror novel, and her ankle was shackled to a protruding pipe.

          He approached Juleka cautiously, eyeing her restraints warily. “Did, uh…” He glanced up at the teacher, making sure he wasn’t listening.  “Did Alix tell you?”

          “Yeah, she got your text.”  Juleka glanced up meaningfully at her girlfriend, by herself in the corner. “Lucky someone in this club has their head on straight.”

          Marc chuckled.  “I don’t know if we can say that, there’s like one straight person in this club.”

          Juleka smiled for a second, then went back to reading her book. “And where was she, huh?  Crazy overworked, fixing up stuff our last class rep neglected.  Notice she couldn’t drop by all week?”  She calmly flipped the page she was on.  “Once again, Chloé got us into another fine mess that Marinette’s gotta pull us out of.  Again.”

          “What?” said Marc.  “No, I meant… wait, Marinette’s straight?”

          The musician shrugged.  “So she claims.  It is impolite to assume.”  As normal, her expression and tone betrayed little.

          “Biggest shock of my week,” was Marc’s jested reply.  “But I was talking about Nathaniel.”

          “Hm?  Oh yeah.” She pulled up one hand to do finger-quotes.  “‘Straight.’  That’s definitely an adjective that can describe him.  Marc, have you seen the way he draws Chat Noir?”

          “Of course, what about it?”

          “Well, maybe you’re both blinded by the superhero’s skintight leather, but the boy is not that ripped.”

          Rose hummed loudly.  Juleka glanced up at her.

          “I’m not trying to push anything, unlike some people,” she protested.  “I’m merely pointing out that he should have already noticed by now, in a manner he will not pick up on for purposes of dramatic irony.”

          “What’s going on?” he asked. “And what’s with you two?”  He looked at the chain.  “And… that?”

          “She’s on probation,” explained Juleka.  “Until she realizes what she did was wrong.”

          “Probation of what?”

          “Getting to run my hands through that soft, dark hair,” Rose replied for her, rubbing her fingers over the pages of her lyrics.  “Holding her close to me, closing my eyes and breathing in her clove-scented perfume.  Feeling the warmth of a heart matched beat-for-beat with mine.”

          Marc looked back at Juleka.  She was nose-deep in her book, but her forehead was sweating, her knuckles were white, and she refused to look anywhere near where Rose was sitting.

          “Is that why you’ve chained yourself to this pipe?”

          Juleka whimpered a little before answering.  “It’s funny, in a tragic sort of way.”

          “So, what’s holding Rose back?”

          “Pity, mostly.”

          “This isn’t about the makeup thing, is it?” questioned the writer.  “I don’t blame Rose for anything that happened.  I mean, it worked out, sort of.”

          “Yeah, no thanks to me,” sniffed the poet. “If I’d have known…”

          “Hey.”  He approached her and offered his hand.  “Hindsight is 20/20.”

          “Still.”  She rubbed the brimming tears from her eyes.  “I was such an idiot, and you had to go through all of that because of me.”

          “You’re still the first one who listened.  Let’s be honest, that could have gone a lot worse.”

          “I overreacted.”  She looked down and continued to write, though it was mostly an excuse to avoid Marc’s eyes. “I thought I knew what was happening, and I thought I could help.  I was wrong to try and do it by myself without seeing a second opinion.”  Sniffing, she closed the notebook.  “I’m sorry.”

          “Oh…” groaned Juleka.  “So close, Rose.  Come on, I know you can do it.”

          “Do what?”

          “We aren’t be allowed to touch each other until she figures out exactly where she went wrong.  She’s got most of it, but I’m not allowed to tell her the last one.”

          “Okay, but why are you doing,” he gestured wildly at both girls, “this?”

          “Because I don’t have the key and Rose is really trying, bless her.”

          He looked between the two of them a few times, both of them equally miserable.  “I get the feeling this wasn’t your guys’ arrangement.”

          “It was Alix’s,” admitted Juleka.  “We both went along with it.  The chain was my idea, though.  It’s the cruelest and most elaborate punishment ever devised, who do you think dreamt it up?”

          “I mean,” Marc disputed, “I wouldn’t have pegged her specifically.”  Particularly not after their little heart-to-heart yesterday.

          “Never tick off someone with a small body-mass-to-temper ratio,” Rose advised.  “Especially if everyone in her family is an ancient history buff.”

          “What’s that got to—”

          “Look, she knows a little something about torture.”

          “Ah,” Marc commented, thoroughly confused and only pretending to understand.  “You two look like you’re busy, I’ll leave you to it.”

          He quietly took his seat at the back of the room, leaving the two to sort out their issues in peace.

           All things considered, life was pretty good.

          So why was Marc still feeling so anxious?

          Nathaniel crept in through the door with his head down, answering the question.

           “Nathaniel,” Juleka said.  “Unlock me.  I need to go use the bathroom.”

           “Sure thing.”  Nath approached her, holding something else up.  “Brought your headphones, too, you left them in class.”

           “It won’t work.  She’s stuck in my head.”

Rose cast a saddened, dramatic gaze towards the writer in the back. “Pray you don’t become like us, Marc.”

           Marc blushed.  Of course Rose figured it out.  She probably told Juleka, too.

           Yet another thing to watch out for.

           ‘Wait, so is Nathaniel straight or not?’

           Nathaniel joined him at their usual table once Juleka had been freed.  “Hey.”

           “You know,” Marc bet, “one has to wonder if that’s some sort of metaphor for something.”

           The artist burst out laughing, but quickly shut himself up when he realized he was making noise.  “Yeah,” he confessed.  “Probably. But they’re good for each other. Rose helps Juleka’s self-esteem, Juleka keeps Rose grounded.”

           “Yeah.  They really are kinda fun to write.  Speaking of…”

           “Right!  Back to work.”

           “If we end off our comic there, Rose is never going to forgive us.”

           “I know,” expressed Nathaniel, glancing over at the person in question.  She was the only other student who hadn’t gone home yet.  Volume up high in her earbuds, she wasn’t even looking at them. “But this story is way too interesting for one issue.  With a cliffhanger like that, she’ll keep breathing down our necks to make more.”  He blushed, realizing he had gotten ahead of himself.  “I mean, if you’re okay with… I’ve really liked working with you and I want to—”

           “Yes!” Marc blurted with a blush of his own.  “I mean, um, yes.  I would… I would love to keep working with you.”

           “Okay.”  He turned his attention back to the work.  “So, if we end the issue with Princess Fragrance’s reveal, then that’s going to take a full-page panel.”  He drew a border inside another blank page.  “Right, so we’ve got that planned out.  Now to just get cracking on those last few pages.”  He surveyed the pages of blank boxes in front of him, each with a little note of what went in each.  “And we know what has to be said at each bit, so if you want to edit specific dialogue, now’s the time to do that.”

           “Cool.  I’ll get on top of that.”

           Marc’s brain suddenly took a dive, and he hastily tried to delete the previous sentence from his brain.

           Each of them had the plans for everything, so they didn’t see a reason to talk much, a silence Marc respected even if he himself wasn’t comfortable with it.  If it made Nathaniel more comfortable, he could swing that.

           His brain needed to stop it immediately with the double-entendres.

           The two of them worked for another few minutes, with only the sound of their pens scratching their paper.

           Nathan, surprisingly, was the one who broke the silence.  “So… last night you were a girl.”

           Marc exhaled nervously.  He wasn’t wrong, but it still felt weird to acknowledge the elephant in the room.  “Uh, yeah.”

           “Earlier yesterday you were a boy.”

           “Yep.”

           “So…”  Nath bit his lip, which Marc had to avert his gaze from.  “I don’t want to just assume, in case I get it wrong.  What are you now?”

           Marc had been stewing this over while he worked. Truth be told, he found he didn’t actually care as much today.  He knew he wasn’t a boy, and he wasn’t a girl, but… he wasn’t really much of anything else either.

           “I don’t think I’m anything right now.”

           “Really?”

          “Nothing, right now.”  He shrugged.  “I’m just… nothing.”

          “How does that work?”

          “Search me.”  He shrugged once again.  “I don’t have much of a gender today, I guess.”

          “So…” Nathaniel paused.  “It’s like there’s no… asterisks.”

          “Asterisks?”

          Nath winced.  “Sorry. I was trying to be poetic, y’know, like you?  You have this great, flowing… your words are just, they click.  Does that make sense?  It probably doesn’t make sense, forget I said anything.”

          Marc smiled at the compliment, going back to his journal.  “They’re just words.”

          “They’re not, though, alright?” he declared.  “They’re not just words, they’re you! The way you get words to line up, only you can do it that way.  You’re so… smart, and creative, and… your writing style is just great.”

          “Th-thanks.”

          “I mean that.”  Nathan looked away, holding his arm sheepishly.  “You’re great, you’re really…”  He shut his eyes.  “Forget it.”

           Marc blinked.  “What was that?”

           “Never mind.  Where you at?  Panel 9-g, the security guard is revealed to be possessed, Ghostlight comes out, and we need a good, punchy line to start the fight with.”

           “No…”  Marc closed his journal.  “This can wait.  What were you going to say?”

           “Nothing important.”

           “I doubt that.”  He reached over the table and took his hand.  “Nath, whatever it is, it’s important.  You want to say it, say it.”

           Nathaniel blushed.  His mouth opened and closed, flopping like a fish, and he started to sweat.

           Marc looked down and realized oh wait, he was actually holding Nath’s hand.  He instantly let go, which seemed to shock Nath back into coherency.

           “I can’t,” he told him.

           “You can’t?”

           “No,” he restated.  “I’ll just mess it up, just forget it.”

           “I’ll listen.”  This gave the author pause.  “I’ve been keeping up with you for the last week.  I’ll understand what you’re trying to say.”

           His face had determination etched into it. He opened his mouth and began.

           “Oh!” Rose said suddenly, breaking his momentum. “Look at the time, I have to… go make an excuse.”  She scooched off of her seat and sashayed out the door.  “I’ll leave you two alone,” she called back, leaving the door ajar.

           Both collaborators stared after her.  The art teacher glanced in her direction, then he, too, left the room.

Nathaniel and Marc were alone.  Nathan, only a little deterred, summoned back what little courage he had left.

“You…”  He stopped. “You’re my friend, right Marc?”

           “Yeah,” was the immediate, nodding answer.  “I hope so, anyway.”

           “And… I’m your friend, right?”

           “Of course.”

           “You… you’re so much of a better person than I am.” The boy gulped.  “No matter… who you are.  And today, it’s like… I’m so glad I get to see you happy.”

          “Uh…”  Marc nodded again in appreciation. “Thanks.”

          “I mean, look at you, you’re happier, even if you’re still the same person who’s come in to help me with this stupid thing—”

          “Nathan, it’s not stupid—”

          “It is, though, and sometimes it feels like we’re the only people here who care about it.  Only now you’ve changed, and you’re so much more relaxed now, and… And it’s good for you, right?  You get to be so much more confident.  Like just now, when you said you had no gender, you said it and you were sure.”

          “I’m still not really sure.”

          “You sounded sure, and that’s better than I can do.  With pretty much anything.  I’m not strong or witty, but you are. There’s just so many little things, here and there, and I can’t concentrate right.  There’s just so many things about—”

          The sudden halt from the speed at which Nathaniel had been talking gave Marc whiplash.

          Marc looked at him, expecting him to finish what he was saying.

          “I can’t…” he mumbled.   “Just… that’s it, then.  I don’t know how I was going to end that.”

          “You feeling okay, Nathan?” queried Marc.  “I don’t think I’ve heard you talk so much in one go.”

          “It’s…nothing.”  Nath took a deep breath.  “I’ve been trying to… think of things I wanted to say—”  He got out of his seat, turning away.  “Never mind, it’s stupid.”

          “No,” Marc stated, standing up behind him.  “You’re not.  If you need to say something, just say it.”

          “I think—”

          “Go on.”

          “I think you’re—” Nathaniel swallowed his tongue and hunched over, covering his mouth.

          “Nath!”  Marc rushed to his aid.  “Breathe slowly, okay?  Are you alright?  You look like you’re going to puke.”

          “I didn’t say anything, just…”  Nath’s voice broke.  “Please, just drop it, I don’t wanna…”

          Marc couldn’t believe it.  Nathaniel, whose creativity knew no bounds, was censoring himself.

          That could not happen.

          And Marc needed to know.

          “What if I don’t want to drop it?”

           “Marc, please…”

           “What if I don’t want you to be afraid to talk to me? What would you say if you could talk to me?”  He looked into his icy-blue eyes, piercing through with his warmth.  “What if you were about to say what I thought you were going to say?  What if it’s that important that I hear how that sentence was going to end?”  He snatched Nath’s hands from where they had covered his mouth and cradled them in his own. “And what if, by some miracle, I cared about how you felt and what you thought?”

           Nath stared back at him, and both of them reeled from the shock of Marc’s outburst.

           Then Nathaniel slowly started shaking his head.

           “Don’t do this… don’t do that to me,” he murmured. “Stop doing that, you’re going to just regret it.”

           Marc tightened his grip.  “Just say what you wanted to.  Stop putting up all these filters in your head.”  He grasped at something.  “Do the thing about the asterisks.  What did you mean by that?”

          Nath took a deep breath and tried.  “Well… right now, you’re… no gender.  No asterisks.  No added stress.  You’re just… Marc.  Pure Marc.” He scowled.  “I mean… that’s not good, is it, that’s not clever.  Cause you’re not just genderless, are you?”  He wrenched his hands from Marc’s ironclad grip. “Look, you could be a girl and I’d… you’d still be you.  Same for if you end up a boy.  You just get to be you.  And… I like it when you’re you.”  He stopped, looking to Marc for criticism.

           After a moment, Marc smiled warmly.  “That was pretty poetic.”

           “Y-you do it so much better than me.”

           They both smiled.

           “C-can I—” Nath gulped, shutting himself down.

           “What?”

           “N-nothing.”  He shook where he stood.  “Forget it.”

           “No chance.”  Marc wasn’t sure where this courage was coming from, but he didn’t shake it away.  “You don’t have to filter yourself.  I won’t judge anything you say from here on out, you hear me?  It’s the least I can do for what you and Alix have done for me.”

           Nathaniel drew closer suddenly, his hand touched Marc’s cheek, and their lips barely touched.  For a single half-second, their lips brushed against one another, and then Nathan drew back like Marc was a burning stove.

           Both creators were left in a state of shock.

           “Oh… my… God.”  Marc gaped.  “You…”

           “Cute,” Nathaniel muttered.  “I was gonna say cute.  Before.”  He looked down.  “I’m… sorry, I’ll just…”  He made his way to his bag, tripped on a chair, and started to bolt for the door.

           Seeing Nathan start to panic and run away triggered something in him.  He suddenly found a good reason to raise his voice.

           Nathaniel had given him strength.  Now he had to return the favor.

           “Hey, get back here!” Marc called out, and the artist stopped. “I’ve had a crush on you for over a full month now.  You get a do-over.”  Marc surged forward, turned him back around, and kissed him again, this time much more solidly.

           A few seconds passed and they separated.  “You have a crush on me?” Nath said, confused.

           Marc laughed a little at his expense.  “There were times, even just this week, where something you did just completely killed me, stone dead.”

           Nath blinked.  “Do you want to go out sometime?”

          “You see, this is what I’m talking about.”  He pulled him close and hugged him tightly.  “Son of a gun, yes, but don’t give me heart attacks like that.”

          Nath’s arms awkwardly returned the embrace.  “I, uh… I’ve never had a… an actual date before. What’s the, uhm… protocol, here?”

           “Are you serious?”

           “Half-serious.”

           “Well don’t worry.  It’ll be a learning experience for the both of us.”

           We have always belonged together!

           Nathaniel tore away from the embrace, turning sharply towards the door.  “Rose, what the hell!?”

           The little pink devil held the phone up high, volume turned all the way up.  We will always belong together!  Just keep moving on!

           “Sorry,” Rose giggled.  “My hand slipped.”

           The collaborators looked at each other.  Nodding a silent agreement, they chased after Rose together.

Okay.  I don’t have much else to say right now, so... *shuffles away*.

[spineofdeathwing]

Response

The sincere level of cherry picking in this post is absolutely laughable and abhorring. I’ll start from the top to bottom of ‘evidence’.

The first discussion and issue of Hu'lon was that I saw a pattern in something that I had seen in a lot of my members past; it escalated due to Hu'lon refusing to communicate, and through the grapevine I just heard that they wanted to ‘not put it in the Accord’. I was concerned, and I reached out - the first time, I was met with stalwart refusal to communicate, so I backed off due to knowing that they had a legitimate social issue. I approached later on, and as you can see, the discussion was very forward and after clearing up my concerns with them, I backed off and that should have been the end of it. For the officers reaching out to people - I apologize if I prefer to discuss things over solving everything with a block button and refusal to speak.

Moving onto the part about me being tired of this. I had my current best friend leave the guild in the middle of the night, after seemingly everything was good (again, due to a lack of communication, I was not made aware that the other person was uncomfortable.) I suffer from BPD - i.e. Borderline Personality Disorder, which, if any of you have associated or learned of it, is the behaviour of absolute fear, anxiety and melting down when you’re met with someone leaving you. Tiao Lin was one of my best friends, and I still consider them to be, and I was in absolute tears when I made these messages. There is no guilt-tripping, there is legitimate depression and anxiety happening when these messages are happening. Conveniently, they left out the part where I explained such.

Moving onto the art 'requests’. I asked every single one of my artists in the guild - which, my guild has quite a number and I sincerely admire each and every one of them - if they’d like to collaborate in an effort to recruit people. This was clearly outlined in the picture: HERE at the top, almost cut off and further cherry picked.

Moving onto Tiao Lin once more, I reached out to a few of the stable people that I know she would make good friends with so that she would feel more at home in the guild. She suffers from anxiety and I genuinely wished her the best. I messaged three people to just reach out for her - if she felt anxious because of something, then she should always have a way to help and heal with her guild. I do not believe this was something that is wrong.

People were hurt by her departure. She blocked and removed everyone without a word.

One hurt person, that didn’t wish to include them in our recruitment post anymore. Note that I was still actively attempting to defend her.

Another hurt person. Both close friends of hers.

As you can see, I talked and discussed with all of them. I never made the claim that the whole guild absolutely hated her, because I never told everyone she had left - I had elected to keep that a non-topic until it had been fully closed, because I knew from their patterns of behaviour that they can have these blips of panic. I did not fault her, and I explained to those people further into the conversation how and why it happened.

More art requests - this was very clearly a joke, and taken out of context.

Now, for these claims of racism and others. Correct, I did say them, in private games with friends that I had been around for months at this point. Note in the first one that Tiao Lin (Sylvissa) was clearly leading the joke towards what I said, and I just expanded on an edgy joke. There is no hatred, no calling other people these words, nor is there any sort of malicious intent behind it. It’s a joke. By holding these words so high in the realms of taboo, you give them the power behind them. If, at any point, someone mentioned that they were uncomfortable with what I said, I would be more than happy to apologize, and not say it again, which - with another cherry picked screenshot, I did HERE .

For the second member of the Accord that you listed that I was upset about creating alts; they’re still very much in the guild, and we’ve discussed this in length before to ensure that there will be no misconstrued information again - they do not feel wronged. They are wronged however that you, Hu'lon, used them without permission just to push your letter. They used sixty dollars of their own money to boost a character, and when you had finished with them - you blocked them. You made them cry because of your actions. Your entire argument on these things is based on exceptionally out-of-context statements that I’m appalled you think you can spread to other people just to scorn and ruin my guild.

This is laughable ..  Wey is a friend of mine and that is clearly taken out of context once more - and the bottom snippet has never happened. I haven’t run HFC in years; nor have I ever done a commission that had horns in it - and if I had, WMV doesn’t 'not’ export horns. It’s attached to the body model. This is clear and utter bullshit once more just to push an agenda.

Onto the worst, and final point. Hu'lon, you dug through five years of drama and unburied it in an effort to burn me, and my guild down. Yes, I faked having cancer. Five years ago, as a teenager with an undiagnosed mental disorder, which is now diagnosed as BPD - which I also have much more control over, nowadays. The circumstances revolving around this are as follows: I ran a guild called Mistborn, that had around two-hundred to three-hundred members. Due to conspiring between my officers as they found it humorous to antagonize me and make me meltdown; they managed to collapse my guild within a week. At this point, I had never dealt with something this heart-sinking and strenous - my BPD forced me into an absolute panic, and craved for nothing other than emotions of hatred from people. Yes, I claimed that I had cancer in an effort to gain pity, because at this point in my life with my mental disorder - I couldn’t think of anything else. I was in a panic.

Since then, I have apologized to every person that was involved with me, back then. Extrenously. I know that doesn’t make up for it, but I’ve moved on. They’ve moved on. You had one of the officers that -caused- that meltdown tell you that it was not my fault, but you elected to bring this up because you wish to become a martyr for.. whatever cause it is that you’re standing for. I’m not absolving myself because of my mental disorder, but I took every step necessary to cleanse any ill-will that people had from me back then, to which most understood once they heard the full story.

To end this all off, I will summarize. Yes, I had some extrenous issues in the past that have led to the reputation that I have today. I have been working day-in and day-out to attempt to make rights where I made wrongs in the past, but this is stuff from five years ago.

To Tiao Lin - I don’t blame where you stand right now. You’re always welcome to talk to me again, because clearly there is a lack of communication. I understand - you have anxiety. I’ve attempted time and time again to try to help that, but apparently I missed the mark. I’m sorry.

To Hu'lon - I do not respect your attempts to become a martyr to take my guild down. You made claims that you’re hurt that everyone in the guild is turning against you - because you’re making rash decisions that could harm all of us, because of your grudge against one. You never made any attempt to get further information in all of this. You snipped out of context screenshots, and just worked to paint me as the bad guy time and time again. You are the issue with roleplay realms. Instead of discussing and talking like a rational person, you argue with the block and ignore button - without caring about the consequences that come with it, involving multiple people that you USED in these screenshots - and then aim to call me out.

If you read all of this, even if you do not see my side of the argument - I respect you for refusing to listen to blind lies. There will also be follow up posts from people that have known me since back then that -will- discuss in truth what happened, instead of your cherry-picked mess.

Remember when you posted evidence and claimed that I was threatening Wey? Here’s the actual commissioner. Picture 1. Picture 2.

Another commissioner that will happily back-up the fact that I do not do these kinds of things.

Another one. Picture 2.

And when you said I was trying to get free art from you? Here’s another artist in the guild.

And, now statements from my BPD. I asked these people to be absolutely honest about their experiences. These are not hand-picked to try to further my agenda, these are straight from people that have known me for years, and have struggled with my disorder with me.

Picture 1. Picture 2. Picture 3. Picture 4. Picture 5 (very important.) Picture 6. Picture 7.

I’d appreciate it if didn’t bring up stuff you weren’t personally involved to try to bring down me, and my guild from now on. If anybody has an issue with me, you may add me at Zushou#5130 and I will discuss any grievances, hatred, questions, or you can sit there flaming me. Doesn’t matter to me.

[beaniegara]

11 Questions

tagged both by @yaboybergara​ and @ricky-goldsworth​ which is great because that gives me 22 questions mwahhahaha thank you folks!! <3 

RULES

1. always post the rules

2. answer the questions given by the person who tagged you

3. write 11 questions of your own

4. tag 11 people you want to get to know better (or however many you want)

now, see, I don’t know what to ask........ so I’m gonna be a little shit and tag folks to pick 11 of these 22 questions and answer them too. nini and gray pls don’t sue me for reusing your questions, thank fdgkfndgfdsk I’m tagging @kaylotta, @queerunsolved, @haunted-gays, @thatmademadej, and @i-am-ghost-proof-baby <3 if yall wanna do it, of course. no pressure.

this is incredibly long (and uncomfortably honest). let’s go lesbians let’s go

first, nini’s questions:

1. How many pets have you had in your life?

one. I’ve always wanted them but my mom and I have always lived in tiny apartments and had no way to care for a pet so it wasn’t until I was 17 that we adopted a kitten!! his name was merlin and he was the laziest, moodiest lil ball of fluff I’ve ever met. I.. had to give him away a year later because we moved to a place even smaller that wouldn’t allow pets so long story short I’m scarred for life and don’t think I can ever take any more pets without feeling guilty to my bone 

this is merlin btw I love him with all my heart and he now lives in a farm. as far as I know anyway.. :(

2. Do you believe in destiny? Why?

mmm interesting question. weird, metaphysical theories aside, I don’t believe anything is set in stone per se, but I do believe that some things are just... meant to be? in a way? for example, you can’t tell me ryan and shane weren’t meant to be friends and find each other in such an unlikely place as they did. one of my mottos, completely stripped from context because it’s from a rather pretentious tv show, is “the universe is rarely so lazy”. meaning that good things happen for a reason, and that you trailed that path for that to happen. yknow what I’m saying? I can’t really explain this without writing a 10 page essay because that’s just how my gemini ass thinks 

3. If you could chose one person on the great beyond, would you take the chance to talk to them? 

you mean someone who has passed away? oh yeah, I would talk to my grandmother. she was raising me and died when she was 4 and that changed not only my entirely life but our whole extended family dynamic... so many questions.

4. From all your hobbies, which one would you love to make a living of?

oh man, writing. I’ve been dreaming of being a writer ever since I was 9 or something. never panned out but that would certainly be the dream. if I could work with videos, subtitling, tv shows, cinema etc that would also be dope as hell!

5. What’s your favorite color palette to wear?

fkgjfsdgiusfdksd I have no fashion sense whatsoever, idk? I do like to wear dark clothes (because weight..) and reds (because pale).

6. What’s your opinion on queerbaiting?

I don’t have the time for it. for starters, it’s something that usually comes from people with very poor writing skills that can’t come up with plots interesting enough to keep viewers/readers hooked in. that already says something. no offense to anyone who is a fan of shows like these, but when it’s mostly written by white men I just don’t have any high hopes for it. you can ask flavs what my reaction was like when I realized the character I had headcanon’ed as wlw in hannibal was actually a wlw. I couldn’t believe it, because what???? since when does that happen, especially in a show run by a white man??? kjdfghsjgd 

I think this is part of a bigger conversation but my point is, don’t fall for it. I know it’s all part of the fight for representation, asking big names to produce big shows with lgbtq+ characters in it and so on, but for the love of god, watch something else too!!!! let GOT rot and die!!!!!!!!! look up different, smaller, cheaper shows, that’s where you find lgbtq+ content creators!!!!!! there’s so many wlw webseries out there, you wouldn’t believe it. you have a choice. don’t give any more of your time and love and word-of-mouth to shows/movies that clearly have no interest in being more diverse. they don’t deserve you. 

and that’s not to say any of it is on us. quite on the contrary, they’re using us. but aside from calling out their bullshit, we do have a chance to boost lgbtq+ content creators. don’t let them fool you into thinking they’re doing you any favors, or that they’re our last chance so we should be paying attention to what they’re doing/saying. fuck them!!!! you can’t queerbait me because I don’t trust you or give you the chance to do it. and you can shove your very straight, very white shows where the sun doesn’t shine, @ hollywood.  

7. Is there a language you would love to speak?

french and korean, mostly. I can understand a little bit of both, but I really wish I was fluent :( oh, will to live and learn, where art thou...

8. Do you have, like, a dream so wild you think it’s impossible?

kjgnsfdkjhjjs having enough money to support myself and my mother??? I don’t have any big, wild dreams, I think. just.......... living comfortably would be a+  

9. How many AUs of your own life do you have in your head?

oh man. I keep thinking about living somewhere in idk iceland or scotland just like... tending goats or something. that’s the most comfortable version of myself I can think of.

I also like to imagine if I could handle being a film director, because that sounds like fun. maybe a screenwriter? anything creative in films, really. 

there’s also the unattainable dream of having a wife and idk maybe adopting a kid? and we’d just. support each other. and love each other. and that’s just. I. [cries]

I like to think how things would be if I were actually hot and not socially awkward.. I’d be someone completely different, basically lol 

10. If you were to meet your younger self, do you think they would think you cool or not?

oh god, younger me would hate present me D: I had such high hopes for myself, I had lots of dreams lol never in a million years did I think I’d be where I am today...

11. Not a question, but please add something postive about yourself, something that you love about you.

IDJFSSIODUGSDFKGDSJ IT’S LIKE YOU KNEW I’D BE A NEGATIVE FUCK, NINI. I................................ I like that I have an easy time with languages? or with classes in general. I like to learn from people, I’m just really unmotivated to leave the house lol 

now onto gray’s q’s:

1. What’s your favourite music video of all time?

straight-up impossible questions right out of the gate huh I SEE YOU, GRAY. I SEE YOU kjdfgjfsdhgkdsjfs

I’ll have to go with a few,

“prototype” by viktoria modesta is just GORGEOUS. I can’t get over this video & song and it’s been years.

“jackpot” by block b looks creepy as shit but the context makes it such a clever yet fun video. take into account that these guys were screwed over by the kpop company that created the group, and that the lyrics talk about hitting jackpot in an industry that’s savage to say the least. to me this video is a visual representation of what a dangerous trap entertainment companies are in the kpop industry, and it also ties in with the groups’ story of being made into dolls by a company and then telling them to fuck off in the end lol 

“treat me like your mother” by the dead weather. I don’t know why I just love it. (cw: gun violence)

“emperor’s new clothes” by panic! at the disco. I MEAN, LOOK AT IT.

“manyo maash” by puer kim. I just love the aesthetic?

honorable mention: “tick tick boom” by the hives because that’s a banger. ba dum tssss.

2. What’s a favourite memory of yours?

I have plenty of good memories, thank god. I think one of my favorites is just hanging out with my friends in 2008-9; one of their older brothers was driving us around town, we were listening to the white stripes at full volume, singing along, all sitting pressed up close together in his shitty car. man, my teenage years would’ve been fantastic if I had stayed there with them!! 

3. Do you play video games? If so, which one’s your favourite?

I DO!!! I mean, not as much as I’d like because a) no money to spare on games/consoles, and b) I suck at basically everything. but I’m obsessed with paladins these days, and I’m also a big fan of LOTRO. I like horror games--mostly the resident evil and silent hill type--and fps. I grew up playing some tomb raider, medal of honor, resident evil... oh, those were the days. 

4. How did you first get into [your fandom of choice]?

with bfu it was that kind of thing where I’d see a meme or two cross my dash and it was always this ridiculous screenshot, or those “that’s it, that’s the show” kinda things with dozens of thousands of notes... until one day I was incredibly anxious, and I needed to watch something or I’d never finish the assignments I had for college. so I just thought “oh hey I should check out that unsolved thing people like so much, it’s buzzfeed so it’s probably good bg noise to work with” lol and it did work, and I did finish my assignments, and that means that I first watched the show barely paying any attention to it because I was busy doing something else. but ryan’s and shane’s voices helped me relax and to this day they still help a lot with my anxiety, to the point that I need to keep coming back every minute or so during episodes because I get distracted just listening to their voices and not absorbing a word lol

5. How did you first get into fandom in general?

uhh.. well, I was a big “pottermaniac” (that’s how I called it) since I was 9, but that was before I realized fandom was a Thing on the internet too. I remember when I was maybe 10 or 11, I entered a chatroom (god, those were wild) just in time to see someone saying in all caps HARRY POTTER IS GREAT AND YOU’RE ALL DUMB FOR NOT SEEING IT or something fkdsjgfdugfsdk and it was this girl using the nickname fawkes. she was older than me, I think that 15 or something, and we exchanged addresses (!!! how am I alive!!!) and were pen pals for a while. but it took me so fucking long to actually find the fandom online that I think my first brush with it was with the arctic monkeys forum I found online in 2008, where I mistakenly said I liked “the muse” and people laughed at me so I never went back to it lol then in 2010 I found out about kpop and that’s when I really dived head-first into fandom life. took me long enough (tbf I was very against the notion of being a “fan” because I was an idiot).

6. What’s at the top of your bucket list?

great fucking question. no idea. I guess.. traveling overseas? if we’re talking wild, distant things. but closer to my reality, getting a job that pays me at least the minimum wage disjgdfgkfsdk #fuckinternships

7. What’s something not many people know about you?

I love dancing and miss it like hell.

8. What’s your favourite medium for storytelling - movie, book, television, musical, comic, internet video, video game, something else? Why that medium?

ohhhhhhh this is an interesting question. as much as I love writing, and think that’s one of the best things we humans have ever come up with, I do love.. musicals? not necessarily theater--although that’s great and I’d sell my soul to see chicago live--but I love the idea of telling stories through music. I really wish we could bring back the custom of telling stories orally, and through music, and that we could as society agree that collective singing is beautiful and should be reintroduced in our day-to-day lives. sure listening to (1) artist singing is great but hAVE YOU TRIED SINGING ALONG DURING A CONCERT WHERE EVERYONE ELSE IS SINGING TOO? best fucking feeling in the world. 

we had two bands in brazil, in different periods of time, that were so incredibly famous they’re still cornerstones in our music history. one was legião urbana, some folk-ey rock band that had a couple of songs telling these really long stories that I LOVE with all my heart. faroeste caboclo is our bohemian rhapsody, most people my age or older know the lyrics to it. and mamonas assassinas was this comical (?) rock band that sang dumb, fun songs that usually told stories too and that was the best. I miss that kinda thing. 

9. What’s your favourite food?

red meat, mainly churrasco. but I also can’t live without chocolate milk AND the whopper. capitalism has me by the stomach.

10. Do you have a joke to share?

fjgfsdgskfdgfsk I don’t.. it’s been so long since I last tried telling a joke, I don’t think I know any?

11. What song/artist helped you through your struggles?

pitty has been a big part of my life for some 14-odd years now. “be ok” by ingrid michaelson and “starlight” by muse were my anthems when depression hit hard during my teenage years. the white stripes has also been a constant, with gems like “blue orchid” and “a martyr for my love for you” turning into sort of theme songs for certain parts of my life. choi sam helped me through college. and even though they were a huge disappointment to the point that I stopped listening to them altogether, block b gave me a good 4 or 5 years of distraction from life.

[nashvilletonihon]

There’s No Race, There’s Only A Runner. Just Keep One Foot In Front Of The Other...

Hey guys. It’s been a few days (ok, maybe a little bit more than that) since I last posted anything. To be honest, I don’t have much to tell. I’ve been at my high schools for two weeks now and have actually taught less than a handful of times. This upcoming week is the Cultural Festival, so both Amino and Kumihama have been focused on preparing for that. This means there are shortened classes and varied schedules depending on rehearsal times. Cultural Festival is a school wide event that requires the students to all participate in various activities. At Amino, the First Years are required to perform in a play. The second years are required to sing and the Third Years are required to dance. There are also food stalls, games and activities that the teachers can buy tickets to. (I have one for a Japanese tea booth I plan on visiting on Wednesday.) At Kumihama, all of the students chose to perform in different plays depending on their homerooms. There is a general atmosphere of excitement and anticipation filling the hallways and classrooms at both schools and I am 100% ready to see all of the students hard work and effort come to fruition. We just have to hope against hope the typhoon doesn’t ruin everything.

This past month has been one of the most difficult of my life. I’ve been very open and honest about my struggles regarding moving to and living in Japan. This week was especially hard because I was not feeling well, school and classes did NOT go how I had imagined them and I was incredibly emotional and homesick. (For those of you following the saga that is my sleep schedule, I wish I could inform you that it’s getting better....but it’s not.) I thought maybe a run would combat the stress and anxiety I that I was feeling, so Wednesday night I did just that. In 90 degree weather and at least 1,000% humidity I put on my running clothes, laced up the new sneakers I bought (because I FINALLY found a pair in my size) and just...ran. I didn’t have a set destination. All I knew was that I needed to run away from my emotions. (Spoiler alert: They caught up with me later.) As I was aimlessly running, I stumbled upon a park a short distance from my apartment. Curious, I decided to take a little detour to see what it had to offer. Turns out there were a few tennis courts, a small lake, a really, really nice baseball field and some nature trails heading up a “mountain” toward one side the stadium. 

Feeling adventurous, I decided to explore one of the trails. I quickly realized how out of shape I am as I began to climb the almost vertical stairs. Huffing and puffing I hauled myself up this mountainside. With each step I took I became more and more emotional. I kept thinking about how classes that day had been a total bust. The students sat there. Stone faced. Silent. They just stared at me like I had grown a second head as I attempted to introduce myself. The more I tried to make it exciting, engaging and fun, the more they refused to participate. You want to talk about feeling judged? Stand in front of a classroom full of 30 high schoolers who want nothing to do with you and what you have to say. 

(It ain’t fun.)

Wheezing and panting, my mind filled with failures of the day, I finally reached the top of the mountain. Exhausted, stressed, anxious and downright fed up, I sat down next to a small, run down temple and cried. 

“What am I doing here? Why did I leave the great life I had in America for this? The students don’t care. I can’t understand anyone. I’m alone and I miss my family. I miss Preston so much. Does he miss me like I miss him? I miss going to movies with him. Feeling his arms around me in bear a hug. God, what I wouldn’t do for a hug. From anyone. I could still be working at a really great job right now back in the States and having the time of my life with my friends. Instead, I’m here. I don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like such a failure. This is too hard and I honestly don’t know if I have anything left to give. It’s only been a month but it feels like a lifetime. I want off this roller coaster. Please. I just want to go home.”

I cried until I thought I couldn’t cry anymore. (I did the next day while on the phone with my mom.) I sat there next to that temple with snot, sweat and tears running down my face and felt so, hopeless. To have so many things beyond my control is new for me and I hate it. I knew this was going to be hard but I had no idea it was going to be THIS hard. I know by now that I must sound like a broken record when it comes to this. “Yes Rachel, we get it. It’s hard but god bless, pull up your big girl panties and DO something about it.” Or maybe that’s just what I would tell myself from the outside looking in. And I promise you all that I am. I’m studying Japanese like it’s a dying language, saying yes to every offer that involves hanging out, grabbing food or exploring, getting involved in after school activities like Kendo and attempting to stay as busy as possible to keep my mind off of the crippling doubt and anxiety ridden thoughts I’m having.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. 

That being said, I’m a firm believer that the universe gives you exactly what you need precisely when you need it. Enter Kate and Jess on a rainy Thursday evening. A few days earlier, Leah (my predecessor) had reached out and informed me that last year an older Japanese couple, Kumi and Masani Yoshida, had invited some of the JETs over to their house for a weekly dinner. The wife used to be a JTE at Amino (my base school) and apparently their bread is famous among the Kyotango AET’s who have had the pleasure of attending one of these gatherings. 

I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to go. I had just finished bawling on the phone to my mom when I got the message that they were outside my apartment. I quickly splashed some cold water on my face, slipped my sneakers on and walked outside. No make-up. Messy hair. Sweaty and sick looking. “Sorry I look like death warmed over.” I mumbled. “Not at all. You look great.” Kate replied with a smile. (Already being much nicer than I deserved.) “Would you like to follow us so that you know how to get there the next time?” Not feeling particularly social, I quickly agreed and got in my car. 20 minutes later we had arrived at an adorable Japanese home with two of the kindest people waiting for us inside. (I dare someone to find an unkind person in Japan.) 

Dinner was entirely vegetarian, comprised of dishes like noodles, rice and vegetables all grown in and harvested from their personal garden. AND THE BREAD. (I would 100% die for that bread.) The Yoshida’s didn’t even seem to mind that I was mostly speaking in English, too tired to try to work out what I wanted to say in Japanese. Kate and Jess have been in Japan for five years now and did most of the translating for me and the Yoshida’s in return. I was maybe a little more candid than I should have been upon first meeting them about how lonely and miserable I was. (Keeping in mind that I had my incredibly gracious hosts sitting right next to me.) I told them mostly everything. How isolating the countryside is, especially when you’re a Prefectural JET because you don’t get the luxury of meeting all the Municipal AET’s at the Board of Education almost every week. I talked to them about how sad and homesick I was and how I didn’t know if I had it in me to last an entire year. They both listened with patience and responded with kindness. Kate told me about how she went through the same feelings and emotions when she arrived. Her situation was a little different from mine because she wasn’t a JET at that point and had no job to work at or school to attend. “I was home for 10 hours a day, by myself. It was awful.” she confided in me. “But don’t worry. We’ll make sure you’re not alone anymore.” I almost started crying at the dinner table. 

As the meal began to wind down, we made plans to return again the next week. This time Kumi invited us to come earlier than 6:45 so that Kate and I could help her cook dinner if we wanted. It’s a fantastic opportunity to expand my Japanese recipe book and authentic dish making skills, so of course I adamantly agreed. Laden with leftovers and some brand new towels (the Japanese love giving gifts) I slipped on my outside shoes as Kate informed me that Kumi is well versed in the art of tying and wearing 着物 kimono and that there is a festival dedicated to kimono is October. I was immediately invited and have plans to attend with Kate and Kumi if our schedules allow. Kate and Jess also made plans to pick me up the next morning to show me around Kyotango, take me to the grocery store so that they could help me with any questions I might have regarding labels and food items and to basically let me know that living in the countryside isn’t a death sentence. (However much it might feel like one at times.)

So this morning, we did all of that. It may have been raining but that didn’t dampen our spirits as we bought locally grown veggies and homemade bread at a cute café down the street from where I live, drove along the coastline for some of the most gorgeous views I’ve ever seen and a place that I definitely plan on taking my family and Preston when they come to visit next year. We grabbed a delicious lunch of ramen at the mall where I do some of my grocery shopping and capped off the afternoon with a trip to this tucker away liquor store next to the train station where I can find all of my favorite American whiskeys and spirits for half the price. Places I never would have known about if Kate and Jess hadn’t taken time out of their Saturday to drive around and show me. I am forever indebted to them and their kindness. We already have plans to go hiking once the weather cools down for good and to go to the 温泉 onsen (Japanese bath/hot spring) for some girl relaxation time when school gets to be too much. I laughed and smiled more today than I have all week. Most importantly though, I didn’t feel judged for the way I’ve been feeling. Here they are five years later with no plans to leave and a potential house in the works. Life’s funny, ain’t it?

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I have no idea what the next 11 months will bring. (Except maybe tears. And most certainly memories.) What I do know is that I am slowly surrounding myself with a group of wonderful, kind, caring, gentle, patient and genuine human beings who make each unknown day a little bit easier to manage. It makes me excited to introduce my family and boyfriend to them. To show my loved ones the people who have become so dear and so close to me. My network of support and a safety net when walking the tightrope gets to be a tad too scary. 

I’m one fortunate gal, I tell you what. I haven’t given up just yet, and I’ll keep puttin’ one foot in front of the other.

- レイチェル (Rachel)

[astralcaw-blog]

Auras 101: History and Sight

This post is a basic guide to auras. Consider it a 101 class. We will begin by identifying what an aura is, how it’s seen in use through history, and practices that will allow you to learn to see them if you so choose to work for it and learn. I will then talk about my personal methods of seeing auras, and a small introduction into deciphering and discerning the aura.

Let’s Start From The Beginning: What is an Aura?

The most common description of an aura is an electromagnetic field that surrounds the body, most often in an egg shape. I’ve heard claims that we’ve always had the ability to see the aura. We have it as an inherent ability at birth, which is why babies look over our heads. It’s also been believed to be something many saw before modern times, and many claim the best representations of such are portrayed in the “halos” you see in art of holy entities. The connection to the divine is often portrayed through a white (or sometimes purple) light around the head.

I was born and raised Christian, so I’m very familiar with said representations around Jesus Christ, disciples, and saints. 

However in my auric studies, you can also see said halo around other divine figures, of whom I admittedly know less about. Below are examples of this light seen in a depiction of Krishna

and the Buddha

This link (x) talks about how the aura exists on various layers of the energetic body; the physical, the astral or emotional, lower and higher mental planes, spiritual, intuitional, and the absolute plane. They all tie together to make one big blob. (below picture from wikihow)

Here’s a rather standard concept of the varying planes and where they exist in the auric field.

Sources are varied on exactly how the aura appears. @crystalwitch-in-the-tardis​ has informed me some sources claim the aura is commonly extends larger and farther in the back than the front, and the layers closest to the body itself have the densest energy. The further you go out the finer/higher the energy gets, which is why only so much is accessible to “see” with your eyes. Sources I find commonly show the aura as an egg shape, and the shapes I’ll be showing you make the egg shape clear, but doesn’t necessarily obscure the descriptions of the aura mentioned above.

Below you can see the standard “egg” shape that auras are known to take. (pic from REALfarmacy.com)

The trick is the electromagnetic field cannot be seen with the life dulled naked eye. However, many who have “raised their vibrations” or have trained their eyes to see auras on the physical plane. 

So What are These Tricks?

Well, imaginary other half of this conversation, I’m glad you asked! There are... so many. My suggestion would begin by simply sensing. Feeling the energies that someone brings you when you’re in their presence. I have made a post about sensing energies, linked here. 

Below is a diagram to help you feel it yourself as posted by www.psychicstudent.com. With practice of the below method, patience and focus, you can feel the energies of your own aura between your hand pulling on each other. Some feel it as tingles, others as warmth. It’s different for the individual and the energy being sensed. 

A lot of practicing seeing the aura develops from utilizing your peripheral vision. For similar reasons why you’re more likely to see spooks from the corner of your eye, it’s claimed your retina’s are less damaged and able to pick up on the sensitive energies/colors.

It’s also important to know that an items aura often appears as the opposite color of what it is. For example, I’ve seen a blue-green aura around a red traffic light, until it changed, of course. This is why many methods for learning how to see auras suggest a white background. It’s also important to note the blue aura coming off of Phillip could be his orange shirt. Be sure to utilize discernment. My first method for practicing was with the following techniques, which train you how to utilize the peripheral focus needed to see an aura physically. This practice is one I originally was linked to by a friend to this site: https://www.thiaoouba.com/aura_eye_exercise.htm. It’s honestly my favorite outsourced site on this post. If you want to delve into this further please check them out. 

After mastering that one, try out this one. 

(If the words get in the way of practice, simply crop them out)

Another popular method is seeing your aura between your fingers. The following method was one I found on chakra-anatomy.com. 

Begin by sitting down across from the white wall. Your back should be fully supported by a chair, your feet flat on the ground. Connecting to your breath, take a few minutes for relaxation.

Extend one arm, palm facing the wall, fingers together. Soften your gaze as you look at your hand. Hold this soft gaze for 30 seconds and you will begin to see energy field surrounding your hand.

Slowly spread your fingers apart. Continue with the soft gaze looking at your fingers and the space between your fingers. What do you see?

With time and practice, you will begin to see and outline around your hand and around your fingers. At first, it may appear as a heat wave, almost colorless field, later on, you will begin to see different colors of your aura.

Patiently observe. There is nothing to strive for. Just being here, in the moment, focusing softly on the hand, on the fingers, and the space between the fingers.

Now the above method I practiced with a lot, and I was rather irked, because I was at work passing the time practicing with this and I could never see more than I ever could; the thin line of white heat around the skin. I showed a coworker what I was doing and she could do it in under 2 minutes. I was rather bitter, I won’t lie. 

The above method can also be practiced on a white piece of paper on a table.

To read another person, a similar method is used, but instead of looking at the space between your fingers, you’ll be looking at the person. Some suggest looking at the forehead so you can see the aura in your peripherals, other claim to hold a relaxed gaze just above the head and/or shoulders until the colors begin to show up. You can practice this with yourself in a mirror, too. 

But Hawk! This is just physical auras, right? Basically. With these methods, it’s very hard to see the full “egg,” especially at first. I have a friend who is experienced in seeing auras who can get the whole egg by using the below method. In the beginning, you’ll most likely see a simple aura such as the picture below emulates, provided by 7chakracolors.com.

Yes, the above is another finger test to see an aura on your own body. Instead of looking between the fingers on one hand, you’re looking at the space between your two fingers in front of you. 

So how do you see the full egg? Practice. Heck it takes a whole lot of practice with the above methods, and others like them, to be able to even see auras. I know I’ve fallen out of practice and, though I’ve never been able to see a person’s full aura in this way, I have seen the auras of inanimate objects. But I have obtained the ability to see the full egg. But how?

My Method

I never saw the full egg until I started getting into energy work. I had a friend ask me to check on their wards. When trying to explain what I saw, I made up this picture. (This was over a year ago, and the person this was drawn for has since changed and grown in many protections, so this picture isn’t opening up any danger to anybody). 

I’ll be honest I had no idea I was looking at an aura. I learned, however, how to access these patterns on many many people. I called them energy readings and referred to it as their “energetic egg.” I figured if I couldn’t see it with my own two eyes like the above practices, it wasn’t an aura. The thought didn’t even cross my mind. Not until I went to a powwow this summer and met a designated “seer” of a tribe down state. I told her about what I do, especially regarding energetic readings. I mentioned I go and visit this bright egg shaped energy around a person, and she simply corrects me saying, “The Aura.” I was so stunned in that moment. Like... I finally saw someones aura. I’ve been doing it for months at that time. And this task I had been working at for years finally was something I had already grasped. 

So how do I do it?

I ground. I get my bearings about me. I then enter a trance state and focus on another persons energy. This is usually through a taglock like ones name or an image like a selfie. I then focus all of my intention on that image, like I do when I decide to astral travel, and I feel their energy. It branches out into a chord and I can visually ride it to their energetic body, the aura, the egg. From here, I can observe energy centers, aura colors, I can change levels of intent and focus and observe energetic parasites, relationship chords, blockages, emotional damage, and more. 

I have a variety of these services, and more, available by request or at http://www.clairvoyantclove.tumblr.com. 

Deciphering Aura Colors

I’m not going to tell you what each aura color means. You can google that so easily and have a billion different answers come up with some pretty regular inconsistencies. They will mention green means you’re close to earth. Green could also mean you’re nervous, anxious, sick, or you have a really strong heart center that’s bleeding out into many layers of your aura. You see what I’m getting at here?

I’ve learned that it’s important to understand what these colors have the potential to mean, however, once reading ones aura, if the green=nature doesn’t feel right, go back to the original practice of feeling energy. When you are around it, how does it make you feel? Where do you see it coming from? How is it interacting with the person you’re reading? Use these answers to determine what a color means. 

A general rule of thumb I follow is their shade. We can use the green example above. If the green looks like a pukey or vomit green, it could be illness or anxieties. If it’s leafy and lush, it could be a connection to nature. See where we’re going here? The more practice you have the more discernment you’ll learn. Just make sure to learn. Google and Tumblr can only get you so far.

**Extra Note: **Everything people do in the beautiful world in metaphysics, it is required to hold a certain level of discernment, and that level is a lot. A lot of discernment. Know not everything is always as it seems, and learn methods to make sure you know that what you’re looking at is truly what you believe it to be. You can find information countless places on the glory of the internet from energy workers, spirit workers, and others alike. If you have any questions do not hesitate to question myself or your local energy enthusiast.

I will be adding a bit of another disclaimer; this took me years to learn. After about 2 years of practicing hard and trying to see auras, I stopped. I learned meditation and practiced various techniques of meditation and trance states for about 5 years before learning to trance in a way to astral travel, work with energy, and more. Then it took an extra few months before I was reading auras like this. 8 months after starting working with energy before I met the seer. 

If you’re determined to see auras, keep at it, even if the above methods don’t work at first. You’ll make it. You may even find your own way.  

Best of Luck on Your Path

[werewolfwilds]

i redid an ask meme that i had originally done ~3 years ago to see the comparison so for archiving purposes im putting it in a lil journal entry here ! i wanna start doing small journal entries again it was fun when i did that

new answers bolded

1) what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

my desktop bg is literally just…. a collage of kageyama manga screencaps a h a,,,, and my cellphone bg are drawings some gay drew me like 74724 years ago :v // my desktop rn is actually a background from one of the dmmd routes LMFAO..... idk which one it is but i’ve always liked those bg pics!! my cell lock screen is p5 art and my bg is leopika

2) have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

nooooope // nah

3) what was your last text message?

my phone is dead so i wouldnt be able to tell you lmfao i dont even remember // it was a gif from kelly lol

4) what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

hopefully working a job i enjoy and making costumes and being happy!! // god i have no idea and it freaks me out... hopefully working,,

5) if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

hoommee ((or at katsucon tbh)) // at the beach with friends maybe

6) what was your coolest halloween costume?

a white cat probably lmao // i dont think ive ever had a particularly exciting halloween costume but one year i was sharpay from high school musical and i think i peaked then tbh

7) what was your favorite 90s show?

uhhhh….. i didnt really… start watching tv until like… the 2000′s so i really cant tell you man lol // spongebob started in 1999 does that coUNT,

8) who was your last kiss?

(answer redacted) // :/ someone should kiss me so i can change this answer lmao

9) have you ever been stood up?

nope //  nah

10) favorite ice cream flavor?

vanilla w/ vanilla oreos ok u need to underst a n d // this hasn’t changed i haven’t had this particular ice cream in a long time but i still stand by it

11) have you been to las vegas?

nahh // nope

12) your favorite pair of shoes?

idk i have these black ones i wear everywhere lol // i have a pair of white sneakers that i refuse to stop wearing now

13) honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

i wouldnt even consider it. // no bc i’m not a piece of shit lmao?

14) what is your favorite fruit?

hmmm…. pineapple orrr…. strawberries but only if they’re the really good kind like they have to be perfect // pineapple!!

15) have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself  dating/having sex with? if possible?

….. ye s… yes. // in the past apparently so but thinking about it now nah lol

16) are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?

hookups arent my thing eh i prefer long term relationships altho i cant really say ive been in a “long” term relationship pffff // i don’t think hookups will ever be my thing, emotionally long term relationships are what i’m here for but i’m also a Very Impulsive Person so i cant tell you if this will stay a fact :’)

17) do you smoke? if so, what?

nope dont wanna // no thanks

18) what do you do to get over your anger?

usually talk to people or shout into word // i have to vent about it to someone probably a thousand times even months or years after it happens tbh

19) do you believe in god?

nahh // nah

20) does the person you’re in love with know it?

i aint in love with anyone rn so no? // i’m not in love with anyone.

21) favorite position?

………….. for w hat………. // oh honey lmfao... N/A

22) what’s your horoscope sign?

virgo/ox ovob // Virgo/sun, Aries/moon, Libra/rising and Cancer/midheaven

23) your fears?

literally everything i already named a few so ill name some others… ghh anything in… the ocean or lakes and stuff frightens me and i really dont know why bu tlike…. fish and crabs and jellyfish and seaweed cuz it’s evil and stu f f basically anything that’s not a mammal or turtles or penguins…. lo l im a baby // uncertainty is a big fear of mine and also people being mad at me lmao... as far as physical fears though i have debilitating fears of almost all insects/arachnids and lobsters/shrimp/crawfish :^)))))

24) how many pets do you have? what kind?

two cats and a dog!! // one cat one dog

25) what never fails to turn you on?

i dunno,,/////// // lol neck biting/kissing oof

26) your idea of a perfect first date?

im okay with mostly anything i just really like spending time with the person ; v ; // i’ve never really had an answer for this? thinking about dates has always made me so anxious for whatever reason but i’ll be happy to just spend time with them doing whatever honestly, i’m a super indecisive person aha

27) what is something most people don’t know about you?

i dont really know tbh lmfao // i’ve considered in the past looking into mental conditions (anxiety/bpd/etc) to see if i might have one or two but i never want to say anything about it because i don’t want to self-diagnose anything.

28) what makes you feel the happiest?

nice weather and nice conversations w/ best people u//v//u // nice weather and hanging out with people who are fun and easy to talk to

29) what store do you shop at most often?

does….. arda wigs count or… // does arda wigs still count bc mood lmao but truthfully now it’s probably target

30) how do you feel about oral? giving and/or receiving?

kkdkjsfkjkjfj??fsfj/// go for i t??? i have no problems with i t??? i dont think ill ever be willing to put a dick in my mouth though // these random sexual questions thrown in here are something aren’t they lmao. not going to disclose much but i will stand by the fact that i will not put a dick in my mouth lo l

31) do you believe in karma?

sometimes ye // i believe that people will eventually get what’s coming to them but i don’t believe in karma as a solid concept if that makes sense? like i don’t think it’s guaranteed

32) are you single?

yup yup // yeah it’s been wild lmao

33) do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

i think being sincere is the best way to apologize– if you truly mean it the person will know. you dont need to buy your forgiveness. // the best way to apologize is just to apologize sincerely and change your behavior if it’s applicable.

34) are you a good swimmer?

ehh??? im ok i guess– i took swimming lessons as a kid but i havent done legit swimming ever since then lmao,, ive always been best at the backstroke tho yea // i mean i have the ability to swim but i’m not olympic-worthy or anything lmao

35) coffee or tea?

ehhh im not big on either tbh // chocolate milk and you can fight me

36) online shopping or shopping in person?

depends what your shopping for i guess?? online is more relaxed i guess // online probably because shopping in person Gives Me Anxiety

37) would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

ehhh im happy where i am tbh // older

38) cats or dogs?

do not make me choose // cats and dogs* there i fixed it for you

39) are you a competitive person?

ahaa,,,,, oh god yeah,, // OOF yeah

40) do you believe in aliens?

i believe there’s life on other planets somewhere?? so i guess?? // i believe in aliens in the sense that there’s no way we are the only living life forms in the universe but not in the science-fiction way you feel me

41) do you like dancing?

i do but i suck at it lmao // i do but i: A- suck, and B- have no stamina

42) what kind of music to you listen to?

nearly everything tbh // i’m not picky when it comes to music but imma be real w u. almost all of the music on my phone is kpop. seventeen is my favorite group along with astro, and i also enjoy super junior, shinee, red velvet, etc among so many others,,, im pretty wide spread !

43) what is your favorite cartoon character?

i will never be able to pick just one // i’ll literally never be able to answer this

44) where are you from?

philadelphia uvu // philly!

45) eat at home or eat out?

hmmm at home. // at home

46) how much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i never plan on being drunk tyvm // i’ve never consumed alcohol in my life and to be Quite Fucking Honest i want nothing to do with it

47) what was the last thing you bought for yourself?

bracelets ! ; u ; // uh... excluding food and music... earrings i think

48) why do you think your followers follow you?

uhhhhhhh lmfao i have no idea i think… a good amount are for my cosplays at least?? or id like to think so lmfao but i really dont know pfft // my followers have just accumulated and hung around over the years... i know i gained a good amount from my snk days as arlert-the-troops and then through my haikyuu phase, whether it was for my cosplay or other posts that i made... whenever someone follows me now im not entirely sure what its for but i appreciate everyone who’s stuck around!

49) how many hours do you sleep at night?

it’s never regular man // 6-9 (lol) hours is pretty normal for me

50) what worries you most about the future?

everything tbh // the future as a concept worries me lol

[enigmaincrimson-personal]

So... How do you apologise for something if you have no idea what it is you are apologising for?

Because I'm kind of dealing with a toxic rumor problem that has been running non stop and... I don't know what to do about it.

Most of it sounds like insane gibberish to me as they're all things I don't have control over.

Like... The OOC post to IC post ratio being out of whack among other things. I don't get that much in general and have to let things pile up just to pretend to have more than I get in short bursts.

I can't turn every ask into a thread and... If I did reply it would be in the form of a text post. If me or you didn't get a notification... It's not my fault. Same goes for crashing people's phones and messages piling up in the box and not knowing they are there.

My replying speed and quality tends to vary alot... A good many conditions can cause me to shut down completely or even emotionally become self destructive. I'm constantly afraid that if everything isn't just right that things will get worse than they already are. It takes me awhile to feel well enough to do even a small thing.

I'm sorry about rambling about things in your IMs... All the things going on have been getting to me lately and has left me well... Kind of a wreck. It might sound like it, but I'm usually frustrated and anxious to the point of insanity when I start ranting about things that are bothering me.

I really don't get most of the accusations I get since I never really hear much from people outside of what pretty much sounds like the Tasmanian Devil's angry babbling... Or an angry mob on a witch Hunt fully intending on burning someone on the stake no matter what they say or do. In fact, most of those times defending myself has only made things worse than they were.

I also keep having flashbacks to all those other times things like this have happened and to put it short I... Literally have to fight myself to keep from just... Offing myself to end the suffering of those around me. It feels like I am the problem in every situation I've been and there is nothing I can do to fix that no matter how hard I try.

I can't blame you for not wanting to forgive me when I can't even forgive myself for every single mistake I've made... Even the little ones.

I don't want to be the self centered asshole that asks for everything and gives nothing back. It takes everything I got to even send a little message or a meme because I'm afraid I'll let you down. I don't ask for art because I feel greedy for doing so. It's not like I have the money to pay for anything outside of the occasional random fluke and I never get to keep that for long.

As far as I know... Blocks are pretty much forever, a point of no return. No hope or forgiveness can be found there. They're constant reminders that I'm just another piece of garbage on the dash. I'm no better than those creeps that harrass minors into doing smut and throw fits when they don't get their way.

I don't think highly of myself if I were honest. Everyone seems to be so much more together... While a small army of people have to pretty much hold me together constantly so I don't start falling apart. The only reason why I'm still here is because I have someone to share my problems with, talk ideas, and just being there.

I am still here because of you... I wish I could say this more openly, but I keep thinking of all those other times where people said things like this they didn't actually mean. I know I get clingy sometimes... But I'm afraid I might lose you if I don't let go and at the same time I'm afraid if I do I'll lose all of you that way instead.

I wish I could tell all of you myself, but I really don't have much say in this and I don't have a voice at this point. I'm just crap that takes up space on everyone's dash and they only care when there are problems real or implied.

I do listen... But it's not easy for me to express myself. It's not my strong suit. I'm also very slow when it comes to performing certain tasks... I have to mentally poke at it until the parts feel like they are going to move just right and if I can't get it that way it's going to drive me insane trying.

I don't mean to hurt anyone... Most of the time I'm well... An anxious, emotionally broken down klutz who can't stop reminding themselves of every mistake and person they hurt... Even if it was never my intention to do so. However... It's easier to claim that I don't have any problems and tell everyone that I'm a guilt tripping monster that goes out of their way to stalk and harass people. Maybe I am, but it's kind of hard to do much of anything improving when all I can hear are doors being slammed and locked whenever I show up... And the angry mobs that pretty much want to burn me at the stake just for existing.

I don't like seeing anyone else in trouble either... But I'm afraid that if I tried to help in any way or at all, I'll just make things worse. I'm still trying to get over someone tried to commit suicide when I tried to talk them out of it awhile back... and most of the time people just get hurt in other ways as well.

I could keep going on about this, but... It's probably pushing things enough as is and I've already lost alot of people I thought were my friends this past while. I'm probably going to lose a few more because of this.

I know I should apologise for writing this post, but It's not easy keeping all this bottled up... And I need to say something about it somehow.

I wish that I wasn't so horrible at this. I'm sorry... Again.

[evils--reign]

*     mentality     !!

TRIGGER WARNINGS ; mentioned in this post are references to child abuse ( both mental, emotional and physical ), sexual abuse ( marital rape ), anxiety, an eating disorder ( anorexia nervosa ) , violence and suicidal thoughts ( depression ), infertility, and an undiagnosed case of dissociative identity disorder ( multiple personality disorder )

regina is not mentally stable, especially in her youth, her marriage and, predominantly, her reign as queen. none of this information condones what regina did, the people she killed and/or terrorised - but it does explain a lot of her habits and why she does/says the things she does/says.

(     SOCIAL SKILLS     )

in “regina rising”, there are passages that imply regina was not permitted to interact with other children her age, let alone children of a lesser class.

“my mother and i had gone to town, and a pair of little girls had invited me to play marbles. my mother had scooted me past before i’d even been able to answer, and when i’d begged her to let me play one little game, she’d said - we’d had more important things to do - only i couldn’t think of a single thing we’d done that afternoon that was important at all”

it’s imperative for a child’s development to spend time with children their own age. more than that, it confirms that regina didn’t have a single friend until she was sixteen years old ( and she later learns that that friend was actually spying on her for cora ) - regina isn’t very good at making friends, even during the curse where the evil queen didn’t hang over her head. this explains why - because she’d never really had one that she made herself ( until maleficent ).

in season four, ( though i do not portray anything beyond season three ), emma mentions to regina about being friends, and regina was genuinely surprised at the suggestion. at first, it might seem to be because of their history but it makes sense that regina would be confused by the idea of friendship with a supposed enemy.

friendship in general is a concept regina is unfamiliar with. she has severe trust issues, which will be discussed, but it doesn’t help that after being kept from making any by her mother, she was then trapped inside a castle as the queen. befriending anyone then would have been entirely out of the question, because any friend of the queen was just that - a friend of the queen.

(     ABUSE     )

in season one, “the stable boy”, cora restrains regina with leather straps and raises her in the air until regina submits, begging “i’ll be good” as she cries. in “regina rising”, cora locks her daughter in her room with her magic and regina expects to be there for far longer than just an hour. cora also verbally belittles regina’s attire, her figure, her eating habits and her talents. cora instills in regina the idea that she needs to watch what she eats otherwise she will put on weight, and that would be unacceptable in cora’s eyes. later in the book, she then slaps regina across the face, viciously.

“i reached for the biscuits, but my mother slapped my hand - you’ve had enough, regina ‘ she said, almost sweetly. - i’ve only had one. i’d like another - i sounded like a little girl, and i hated myself for it.”

“ - i’ve heard quite enough from you, regina - my mother narrowed her eyes and waved her hand. i covered my ears and steeled myself as best i could for whatever terrible magic she had in store for me** …….. the sash that had been tied around my waist loosened. after floating before my eyes for a second or two, it snapped straight and wrapped itself over my mouth and around my head.”

“the words were barely out of my mouth when her hand crashed against my cheek. i held back a whimper and stood still.”

** - clearly, regina is used to cora using her magic against her as a form of discipline. she comes to expect that it will hurt her and it surprises when it doesn’t initially.

in another passage, regina is anxious to show cora her progress at art. when cora sees regina’s painting, she says “well, we cannot be good at everything” - in another chapter, young regina sings and dances with village children and cora later comments that she cannot sing. while not necessarily as damaging as previous put-downs, it does make regina feel insecure and thus, i class it as abuse.

while it is not touched upon in either the show itself of “regina rising”, regina is eventually married off to king leopold who is more than three times her age. regina is only seventeen when she saves snow white and it isn’t long after that she is forced to marry the king. in the show, leopold is originally interpreted as a jovial character, a kind king and loving father. but he is still a king, and he is still much, much older than his new wife. it is not outside the realm of possibility that regina was forced to endure sexual acts with her lord husband.

in “regina rising”, cora attempts to force regina’s hand at courting an older “prince” named benjamin who had already been through two marriages. it is implied in the books that regina’s youth would suit benjamin well and also supports the implication that young wives were often forced to please their husbands.

it is not confirmed, but i will be writing it as if it were - regina suffered through marital rape in the early years of her marriage to king leopold. she never told snow white, and would not tell her even now.

(     ANXIETY/TRUST ISSUES     )

regina, as a young girl, craved cora’s approval more than anything. she was trained and conditioned to cora’s expectations and quickly learned that nothing she did would ever live up to them. until “regina rising”, when she is sixteen years old, regina is submissive to cora’s every whim and fancy. she suffers from panic attacks when she knows that she has done something that would upset her mother but has since learned to hide them until she is safely hidden in her room. in “regina rising”, it is mentioned that regina digs her nails in to the palms of her hands and at one point, wishes that the marks would bleed. this is caused by loss of control and her attempts at regaining it.

it is a subtle habit that she has not broken. while not as present in storybrooke as it is in the enchanted forest, if she feels the need to, she will clench her fists until her palms bleed, or her skin is marked red.

because of past experiences, regina has come to expect the worst from people. it’s why she does not trust as easily as she used to when she was younger. in “regina rising”, the story includes a girl named claire fairchild who regina befriended, her first friend, whom regina later learned was playing her all along. she was really there at cora’s request, and cora even stole claire’s heart at some point in the story. regina was so utterly heartbroken by the betrayal and she even questioned her own naivety.

it was this act that prompted regina to commit her first grey deed that belied her then pure heart. regina made a deal with cora in exchange for claire’s heart to be returned to her, and a forgetting potion. she then instructed claire to read a note that told her about her impending wedding before cora gave her heart heart back, and then slipped prince benjamin a forgetting potion. she then lied to him, telling him that he was to wed claire.

this was regina’s first glimpse of true betrayal and it leads in to her meeting snow white in the show. though regina’s trust in others her age and those older than her is fleeting, she has no reason not to trust children until she meets snow again. with her already questioning her faith in other people, snow’s betrayal and the subsequent death of daniel as a result immediately broke what was left.

(     EATING DISORDER     )

anorexia nervosa is characterised by persistent energy intake restriction, intense fear of gaining weight and disturbance in self perceived weight or shape ( link ). as mentioned above, cora belittles regina’s eating habits and in later chapters of “regina rising”, regina catches herself limiting her food intake as a result. it does not go in to detail in either the show or the book, so i have taken some liberties with this aspect of regina’s mentality.

in season three, “quite a common fairy” ( referenced again later ), regina sits at a banquet table, alone. the table is full of food but regina only drinks out of a goblet. though it is a lot of food for one person, it doesn’t actually look like she’s attempted to eat any of it. maybe she’s just not hungry? in the back of her mind, cora will always be there telling her that she’s had enough to eat and that she should watch her figure, especially now that she’s officially the queen.

in storybrooke, she seems to have overcome this disorder, no doubt in part thanks to her newfound freedom in a new world. in season two, “welcome to storybrooke”, it’s reaching a bit high but she honest to god looks like she’s in love with the pancakes granny serves at the diner. though it is not as prevalent in storybrooke as it was in the enchanted forest, she does sometimes still catch herself counting calories or pushing food around her plate.  

i do want to point out that her eating disorder is not so severe as to make her sick or skeletal. cora would have never allowed her to show such weakness. but her constantly thinking about what she’s eating does affect her to the point where she has gone without eating every now and then. she also forgets to eat as the mayor in storybrooke and has to be reminded.

(     DEPRESSION     )

in season three, “quite a common fairy”, regina falls from her balcony and is then saved by tinkerbell, who later asks regina why she jumped. regina laughs and plays it off as if she fell, but tinkerbell doesn’t believe regina’s story one bit. and regina stops laughing.

there is a massive gap between young regina the newly crowned queen, and queen regina the reigning monarch, who has the king killed and a hunter sent after snow white. what turned regina from the docile queen resigned to her fate into the vengeful monster desperate for freedom? i have not yet decided what to headcanon for this.

there was a fanfic i read once where regina had made a deal with rumplestiltskin. i think the deal was that he promised her that she would be happy one day, and she wouldn’t try to kill herself. this deal is a brilliant theory and i’ve decided to incorporate it in to regina’s backstory. let’s look at all the things so far that could contribute to regina contemplating suicide.

she’s abused as a child

she’s forced in to marriage

and then sexually abused

she has to play mother to a child only six years younger than her

that child broke a promise, that resulted in the below

her true love was killed right in front of her

she was trapped by a spell of her mother’s that prevented her from leaving the castle before she was married

regina was not happy. she was miserable and at some point, she thought the only way out was dying. at least then she would be with daniel. but rumplestiltskin needed her to cast his curse, because she was apparently the only one capable of casting it ( i have a headcanon about why ) - maybe he genuinely cared about her well-being, but in my opinion, he only cared about himself and he didn’t want to wait another few centuries to find someone who could take him to the land without magic. so he did the only thing he could do ; strike a deal. regina wanted to know if living was worth it, so she asked him to swear that she would be happy in the future. he swore, and she agreed to not kill herself.

but that didn’t stop her from hating every minute of her life as the queen, as leopold’s wife and as snow white’s mother. and with snow white getting everything that she wanted, regina’s resentment only grew. eventually, when she saw a way out, she took it without hesitation. that way out was the genie and the death of the king.

(     DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER     )

also known as multiple personality disorder. i have mentioned in previous posts that regina has a lot ( and i mean, a lot ) of layers. there are so many different aspects of her character and several different personalities where most are completely different to others. it could just be character development, but i have decided to go a different route. the below points are all experiences that come with dissociative identity disorder ( link )

DEPERSONALIZATION. this is a sense of being detached from one’s body and is often referred to as an “out-of-body” experience.

DEREALIZATION. this is the feeling that the world is not real or looking foggy or far away.

AMNESIA. this is the failure to recall significant personal information that is so extensive it cannot be blamed on ordinary forgetfulness. there can also be micro-amnesias where the discussion engaged in is not remembered, or the content of a meaningful conversation is forgotten from one second to the next.

IDENTITY CONFUSION or IDENTITY ALTERATION. both of these involve a sense of confusion about who a person is. an example of identity confusion is when a person has trouble defining the things that interest them in life, or their political or religious or social viewpoints, or their sexual orientation, or their professional ambitions. in addition to these apparent alterations, the person may experience distortions in time, place, and situation.

it first started when daniel died. depersonalization - an out of body experience, feeling detached from one’s body. she watched in horror as daniel’s heart was ripped out and then crushed in to dust. at first, she didn’t understand. it happened so fast but to regina, it happened in slow motion. then daniel fell and regina screamed, and she came too.

it happened frequently after that. in season one, “the stable boy”, at the end of the episode regina is being fitted for her dress. if you look at her, she looks completely out of it. as if she’s not really there. she’s not really paying attention to what snow white is telling her until she mentions telling cora about regina and daniel. something snaps in her then. we get the first glimpse of what will one day be the evil queen in that scene where she looks away from snow white, processes what was said, and then transforms on screen ( in the commentary, you can hear adam and eddy talk about it with lana, about how that’s how she gets in to character usually off-scene ) - when regina walks away, she is a completely different person. it doesn’t last long, but it is a glimpse.

it happened the most during her marriage to the king. she would disassociate herself with her surroundings. it was almost automatic, the way she would smile and the things she would say. no one paid her much attention beyond being a pretty thing on leopold’s arm, so it wasn’t out of the ordinary for her to stare of in to space, completely lost.

the amnesia aspect also comes in to play here, as well as at some points in time during her reign as the evil queen. but during her time in leopold’s bed, she would often lose track of time and after long enough, she started to black out what she would go through. she remembers the first few nights, but anything after that, she doesn’t recall.

as the evil queen, she found it difficult to remember faces and names, especially of those she victimised ( re. season three, “snow drifts” and “there’s not place like home” - she didn’t even remember having held marion as the evil queen, or when she met her again in the diner )

identity confusion and identity alteration come in to play with the evil queen. though i have not seen the episodes themselves, season six includes the evil queen as a separate entity to regina mills. to regina, the evil queen is someone else entirely, and not really a part of who she is. it is my opinion that the real regina lost sight of who she really was and what she believed in, and the evil queen was born. nurtured by both rumplestiltskin and her growing resentment of snow white, the evil queen came to life the moment leopold died. regina is a completely different person from before his death compared to after it. she’s not nearly as deranged as she is in later years, but that comes with time and isolation and addiction ( magic )…

magic absolutely is an addiction. once you learn it, you can’t let it go without serious consequences. it has always been my headcanon that if you were born with magic, you cannot survive without it. for example, rumplestiltskin and cora were both given magic. but regina, emma and zelena were born with it. despite canon information, it is my opinion that if cut off from their magic or if their magic is taken away from them, born magic-users would get very sick and could possibly die. it is a part of who they are. taking it away is as good as taking away their soul. it can be locked inside you, and once it is released it is near impossible to put back away.

it’s affect on you depends on how you use it, and with rumplestiltskin feeding the evil queen’s magic with his own influence, it heightened regina’s reliance on it.

during the curse, magic still existed in storybrooke, regina just did not have access to it. it was still there though, and it was enough to keep regina’s addiction sated.

after regina’s failed execution and the subsequent result ( her inability to directly hurt snow white ), regina’s desperation only grew stronger and so the queen’s delusion grew to match. regina does remember most of her actions as the evil queen, but some things she completely forgets until she sees it in her sleep and she wakes up screaming.

though she does originally feel like the evil queen is a completely different person, that does not mean that she denies responsibility for her. she knows what she’s done but she justifies it as, in a nutshell, karma.

when the curse is cast, regina is finally free of the enchanted forest, the crown and the queen. it’s easy to slip in to the role of mayor mills and completely ignore the monster that still resided under her skin. she put the evil queen aside, and didn’t think about her until the book came to be, henry started to pull away, and emma swan came to storybrooke.

this is where regina first started to dig her nails in to her palms again. it was the only way she could think of to control her more malicious instincts and she didn’t want to release the evil queen when she had other options to consider.

regina has a temper that she was both born with, and built on as the evil queen. she’d always been stubborn, and she had always been hot-headed, but in her youth she was very submissive, and so she bit her tongue. as the queen, she didn’t have to, so she took advantage of that. in storybrooke, she had to relearn how to control herself otherwise she would completely lose it.

** in my characterisation, my main storybrooke verse regina has not yet come to terms with the evil queen and has not accepted her as a part of herself. until she does that, the evil queen is another entity sharing regina’s body that she has difficulty controlling.

EXTRA INFORMATION. as mentioned in my rules, regina took an infertility potion not long after marrying the king, to ensure she did not fall pregnant with an unwanted baby. this is canon information for both main verse one and main verse two. regina does not like to talk about it and will become hostile if it is ever mentioned to her, the possibility of her ever having a biological child. in “regina’s rising”, cora mentions only wanting the best for regina, and then tells her that she will understand when she has her on children. regina then starts to think about it and decides that she would rather marry an older prince than have a child, because she is absolutely terrified about what kind of mother she would be. obviously, she overcomes that fear when she adopts henry. but there is still that inkling of insecurity and self-doubt when she takes henry back to the adoption agency and considers giving him up - not just because she learns he’s the savior’s son, but because she doesn’t think she has it in her to raise him right. later, henry’s continued insistence that she is nothing but evil and his manipulations of her dredge up all that insecurity and it hurts her deeply.