#i’ll be gone until monday tho but after that i’ll read and post more of your asks 🫶

[flowercrowngods]

I love you for doing this <3 My fic I'm most proud of changes by the day, but I've got to go with Craving Something Deeper (https://archiveofourown.org/works/45520477) since it doesn't get a lot of love. And I know Chrissy isn't a focus character for a lot of people, so I get it. But I'm enjoying writing it and getting in her head so much!

Craving Something Deeper

🌷 WIP | 15k words | 4/? | rating: T

season 4 re-telling with a twist from chrissy’s pov! showing us some BAMF chrissy, sweet eddie, a wonderful dynamic between chrissy and eddie that i would actually die for, and chrissy/robin (bandcheer/buckingham) in the making with some parallel steddie that i already know will captivate me like the rest of the story

🤍 the way you allow us to explore chrissy’s mind and witness an alternative to canon that is so believably told and intricately woven is really an absolute joy to read!!! (i’ve already yelled at you about all that in the comments but!!!) thank you for showing me this absolute gem! 🤍

‼️ slight cw for eating disorders though (par for the course when writing canon chrissy)

🌷 be loud, be proud, etc etc

[bookscoffeeandracoons]

366 Days Reblog Challenge April 2020

Another month is already over and in these messed up times I’m even more grateful for all the amazing work by these amazingly talented writers! So without much more rambling here are the fics that i’ve read and reblogged for @beccaanne814‘s 366 Days Reblog Challenge. And thanks again to @beccaanne814​ for the wonderful banners!

Happy reading!

01. Patching up by @petals-sunwards

Clint Barton x Reader

Warnings: mentions of blood and injury, a little angst and fluff

Prompt: Can you go a single day without accidentally hurting yourself?

02. A Good Suit by @portals-to-a-new-world

Leonard McCoy x Reader

Warnings: SMUT, 18+ ONLY!!, Some language, Mentions of being tied up, Oral (male receiving), uhhh I think that’s it tho

What? I have to give a massive massive shoutout to @bakerstreethound for the idea: {So have a later night party at the enterprise (can be for Kirk’s birthday, but let’s say you and Kirk are on bad terms so you don’t go to the party) you stay in your room tussling with your body pillow to make up for Bones absence. You wake up to find him sitting on your bed wearing the suit he went to Kirk’s party in.} Love, you’ve absolutely slaughtered me in this process but oml was it worth it. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it <3

03. A Bad Boy by @portals-to-a-new-world 

Leonard McCoy x Reader

Warnings: Listen. We all know I’m a slut for suits. So you can bet your ass this is as smutty as all hell. That being said, semi public almost smut, language, being tied up, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it yall), oral (male receiving), mild choking, dom!reader, listen it’s straight filth kay? Kay.

What?: Bones doesn’t want to go to a random 1920s themed party, so Y/n offers him a challenge. Smut ensues. (Sequel to A Good Suit.)

04.  One Night In Vegas by @avengerscompound

Tony Stark x F!Reader

Warning:  Talk of sex, aftermath of drinking and drug use

Summary:  You wake up in a Vegas suite with Tony Stark wearing the biggest diamond ring you’ve seen in your life.  The two of you then try and piece the night together

05. Your Prince, My King by @official-and-unstable-satan

Loki x Reader

Warnings: Dominant Loki. Language. Mentions of insecurities and mental health. Degradation and praise. Bondage? SEX Oral (Male and female receiving) and ACTUAL SEX ETA: Orgasm denial/delay (cause that’s apparently a warning? Didn’t know. Sorry) Odin in general. Loki. Reader being snarky and short tempered. Insecurities. Mentions of trauma. Language, probably. Bad writing? Idk what to put here, really. I’m bad at this. Smut. Mentions of smut. Actual filth. Out of character characters, probably. One day I’ll stop apologizing for my writing. I’m working on it.

06. Surprise by @mermaidxatxheart

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Swearing. If you think I missed anything, please let me know.

Summary: You try to get away with something, but Bucky catches you in the act.

07.  drive-through by @evanstarff

(i must have missed something here beause i can’t get to this fic anymore. @evanstarff seems to be gone. I’ll still leave the fic here, in case anyone knows if @evanstarff maybe has a new blog or something, please let me know!)

08.  Scabulous by @avengerscompound

Bucky Barnes x F!Reader

Warnings:  Mentions of past injuries, poor feelings about body image, scars

Synopsis:  Bucky is unwilling to undress in front of you because he hates his scars.  Turn out he isn’t the only one with scars.

09.  Skin Contact by @avengerscompound

Bucky Barnes x F!Reader

Series Warnings:  Angst, smut (hand jobs, vaginal sex, fingering), PTSD, mentions of past torture.  Superpowered Reader.

Synopsis: While on the run in Romania you come across a man who has a past very similar to your own.  When the people pursuing him track him down, you assume you will never see him again.

10. Mind Control by @avengerscompound

Bucky Barnes x F!Reader

Series Warnings:  Angst, smut (vaginal sex, oral sex), PTSD, mentions of past torture.  Superpowered Reader.

Synopsis: While on the run in Romania you come across a man who has a past very similar to your own.  When the people pursuing him track him down, you assume you will never see him again.

11. CRUSH by @petals-sunwards

Clint Barton x Reader

Warnings: none, pure fluff and kisses

Written for @stuckonjbbarnes‘s 250 Writing challenge. My prompt was ‘You know, I’m really good at telling who has crushes on who‘ and I had a blast writing it.

12. An Exquisite Kind of Pain by @redgillan

Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: read it and you’ll see

Summary: Steve’s in love and that’s the problem.

The five times Bucky saved you…

…and the one time you saved him 

by @buckysknifecollection

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Series warnings: some mild swearing, mention of dangerous situations, death mention, injuries, mentions of men objectifying women; other than that - toothrotting fluff.

Summary: You have a special bond with Bucky. He’s more than your best friend, your partner in missions, the person you care most about. He often saved you from uncomfortable situations, always ready to protect you, but sometimes, you are the one who did the saving. A series of drabbles.

13. Part 1 

14. Part 2 

15. Part 3 

16. Part 4

17. Part 5

18. Part 6

19. Ink on his heart by @bitsandbobsandstuff

Bucky Barnes x TattooArtist!Reader

Warnings: Tattoo experiences, a couple stories about war. Some swearing. Mostly lots of feels and fluff.

Summary: Here’s how Bucky Barnes got a haircut and then decided it was about damn time he controlled his own destiny - starting with a bit of ink.

20. Friends in Training by @until-theend-oftheline

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Sam and Bucky are giant children

A/N: This is a drabble request written for @jewels2876 : How about this with Sam and Bucky? “Are you clinically insane or incredibly annoying?” “I don’t know, probably both?"

21.  Right Where You Are, That’s Where I Am by @corneliabarnes

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Angst, allusions to violence and PTSD, fluffy ending

22.  Looking Up by @avengerscompound​

Clint Barton x Reader (kinda)

Warnings:  action, canon-typical violence, Clint’s naked and a very proud boyfriend.

Synopsis:  Clint’s day was looking up. His girlfriend slept over for the first time. He’s pretty sure she’s a Jedi. He was having a nice bath. So how is it he’s now running down the street naked from gunmen?

23.  Distant Connection by @abovethesmokestacks​

A Bucky x Reader drabble series based on this post

Summary: You happen to be in the office when the email is sent out, you get Trip from IT to help you set up the VPN you need to be able to access company systems from home, you rifle through all of your folders and then just dump all of them in a box. It’s a surreal feeling because you are essentially cleaning out your office. As if you’re losing your job. This will be fine. You send an email to your project collaborator, someone named Barnes, suggesting a first video conference call on Monday before you log off.

This is fine.

Chapter 1: This Is Fine

Chapter 2: Introvert Olympics

Chapter 3: Business As Casual

Chapter 4: Jeremy Bearimy

Chapter 5: Toilet Paper Confessionals

Chapter 6: Netflix And I Have No Chill

Chapter 7: Social Dumbassing

24. Assemble: Bucky Barnes by @official-and-unstable-satan​

Bucky Barnes

Warnings: Language, Bucky struggling a little with the whole idea. I think that’s it.

Summary:  James Barnes remembers. He remembers the words. He remembers their meanings. He remembers what they made him do and he fears them. Even after he was ‘fixed’ by Shuri, he feared them. So, someone suggested he learn to love the words by associating the ways they could help him instead of hurt him.

25. Request for the “Until We Meet Again Series” by @sgtjbuccky​

Bucky Barnes x Enhanced!Reader

Warnings: a little swearing,

Request:  Omggg I have a idea for “until we meet again What if the reader loses her memory and goes to the Avengers because that’s the last place you remember is being, and then like they tell her about herself and they end up finding the prodigies or sum YASSSSS I LOVE YOUR STORIES 😝

26. Audiobook of Love by @nerdy-bookworm-1998​

Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Fluff

Summary: Steve and Bucky are missing their best girl while on a mission, but she has a special surprise  for them.

27. Sore Loser by @squirrel-moose-winchester​

Dean Winchester x Reader

Warning: Fluff, Gambling (is hustling money considered gambling?), Some Crack, Dean being Petty.

Summary: Y/N learns a few new tricks and hustles Dean, the king of pool, out of all his money.

28. Best Laid Plans by @suz-123​

A Falcon and Winter Soldier TV Fic *obviously this is NOT spoiler heavy as the show has not even been filmed yet*

Warnings: None really, just my usual casual cursing and sassy soldiers.

A/N: So, there was a post on here that went around yesterday about a plot theory as to what Zemo was going to be doing to tear these guys apart in their future TV show. Naturally, I was livid with this stupid idea and, naturally, I used the magic of fanfic to fix a problem that may or may not ever actually see the light of day :D

29.  Major Crush by @redgillan​

Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Explicit Language, Dirty Talk, Groping

Summary: Laser Tag brings out Steve Rogers’ competitive side and Reader loves it.

30. Count on It by @team-iron-wannabe-man​

40’s!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Y/N isn’t too impressed with the Infamous Sergeant James B. Barnes, however Bucky is definitely interested in her.

______________________________________________________________

That was all the fics I’ve read for the Reblog Challenge in April! A big THANK YOU again to all the writers! This time would be so much more difficult without all your work! 

For the readers: if you search my blog for the tag #fic rec you’ll find even more to read!

Stay healthy everyone and lots of love to you all! ❤

Back to main Masterlist 

[jadeile-writes]

Fanfic progress update 80

Hello, I’m not dead! One update got skipped, but let’s do this one. Stay tuned to the end of this post for a spoiler-y glimpse into the next chapter of Adventure gone Mini (tho it isn’t updated this time around).

Time for some unfortunate news.

1. Yes, I skipped last Saturday. Like said last time, I was on a trip without my computer. Turns out you can’t log in on Tumblr on your phone’s browser anymore and I didn’t wanna install the app out of spite. I forgot to do the update on Sunday and Monday at home and then just figured there was no point anymore. Apologies for that, I hope none of you got worried about me ^^;

2. This month is kicking my ass and I know for a fact it’s going to continue for the rest of the month as well (don’t worry, it’s nothing bad, just exhausting). Because of that, I’ll put most fics on hold in order to conserve my time and energy. No Bushwa, no working on Experiment, might even skip my Mini writing hour or at least not have as high expectations as usual for it (as in, write as little or as much as I have the energy for without caring about the word count). There’s one fic I will have to write, and you’ll see the details below. Regardless, nothing else will have posting dates until October rolls in. If something gets written, it’ll be a bonus.

TL;DR: Don’t expect fics this month.

Current WIPs:

Adventure gone Mini

Fandom: Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild / The Minish Cap

Summary: Sidon is given his very own Sheikah Slate, the first replica Purah has managed to make, and sets out to travel with Link with the intention of registering warp points for convenient travel in the future. However, when a malfunction shrinks them down to the size of bugs, and they meet little people called the Minish, they have to change their plans from “fun adventuring” to “getting out of this mess”. Not that those two have to exclude one another. Link/Sidon.

Progress: Chapter 42 is the current latest chapter and was posted on 19th of August. Chapter 43 is almost but not quite done. No posting date for now, but I will post this on a Wednesday as soon as it’s done.

I post a new chapter every three weeks on Wednesdays, except when I don’t manage to. These updates always include a sneak-peek for the next chapter, slowly getting longer over the three weeks waiting period.

—–

Experiment in Romance

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary (temporary): Husk’s afterlife takes an odd turn when a drunk Alastor knocks on his door and has no intention of going to his own room for the night. It only gets weirder from there, leaving Husk with a most unexpected arrangement with the Radio Demon. Either it’ll be the best decision in his afterlife, or he’s simply out to break his own damn heart dealing with the fickle asshole. Radiohusk.

Progress: Chapter 1 is ready. Chapter 2 is ¾ths done. On hold for this month.

—–

Hah! Our afterlife is the most hilarious bushwa, dearest

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary: This is not a stand-alone story! This is a oneshot/drabble collection in the universe as “Shit, the Radio Demon is a part of my afterlife”. Read the main story before bothering with this one.

I decided to give my readers a chance to throw Radiohusk prompts at me, and had the Afterlife-verse as an option to set the stories in. Everyone liked that, so this fic is now a thing. Enjoy the extra mischief from these two dorks!

Progress: Chapter 26 is the current latest chapter and was posted on 28th of August. On hold for this month.

I have 12 prompts left.

This fic receives a new chapter every Friday, except for this month.

—–

Halloween Oneshot (workname)

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary: Charlie leaves for a family gathering for the Blue Moon night, leaving the hotel under Alastor’s protection. A grave mistake, as the time is ripe for Alastor to put the residents of the hotel to their intended use now that his only obstacle is guaranteed to be out of his way for the night. A scary and gorey fic for 'Darker Oneshots, Halloween Challenge 2020'.

Progress: I need to get this done by 22nd of September, and the tentative posting date is 5th of October (might still change and is assigned to me by someone else, so I’ll just roll with whatever I get).

—–

Other WIPs I’m not currently working on but intend to get back to someday:

PoE Drabbles (Pillars of Eternity)

DC Drabbles (Justice League)

Diaphanous Relations (Forgotten Realms, R.A. Salvatore’s books)

—–

That’s it for the WIPs! Here’s the promised sneak-peek into Adventure gone Mini (Note: the text may end up slightly different in the fic itself due to more editing happening before publishing). Enjoy!

Mini

Two days.

Link and Sidon had been walking in the swampy, misty, exhausting forest for two days now.

The only reason they knew this was because their Sheikah Slates had clocks in them; otherwise they would have had to make guesses based on the frequency of their breaks and meals, because it wasn’t like they could see the sun to keep track of time the easy way. And let’s just say that their guesses would have been very off if they had based them on those factors, because Link needed to rest his poor feet all the damn time and he was constantly starved because of the amount of energy he expelled just by walking. This terrain was worse than snow or sand in his opinion, even though he hated walking in the desert and the snowy lands as well.

The only positive thing about this place was that Sidon was thriving. The moisture in the air did his gills and scales wonders after about two weeks of mostly traveling on land. He occasionally ran ahead of Link to spend quality time in the bog holes while Link trudged forward in his bog flippers, and then easily caught up with him again after giving him a good long head start as well. Sidon was simply made for this terrain.

—–

That’s it this time. See you next Saturday!

AO3    FFnet    Purple Crayon    Ko-fi     Radiohusk Discord

[robinskey]

Coworkers (Steve Harrington x Reader)

Read Part Two Here

A/N: Okay, so this was going to be one long fic, but I decided to split it up into two parts. I’m hoping to get the other part out tomorrow, but I wanted to give you guys a little something tonight! I appreciate you all being patient with my erratic posting schedule as I settle into college. :) 

Warnings: Minor language, reader being clueless

Request: Heyyy could you do steve x fem! reader where reader thinks steve and robin are a thing and reader kinda ignores steve for a time until one day( he is super drunk) he goes to her house and just says he wants her back (even tho they never dated) thank you!!

You started working at Hawkins Family Video in the summer of 1985. It was just supposed to be a summer job so you could earn a little cash before college started. Then, after the scandal surrounding Hawkins Lab leaked, there was a mass exodus from Hawkins, which left your manager, Keith, short on employees. You decided to stay a few more weeks until he could find replacements. His search continued throughout the duration of August and bled into September, then October. Before long, mid-terms were rapidly approaching, and Keith still hadn’t hired a soul. That all changed about a week before Halloween.

New shipments always came in on Saturdays, so Keith had sent you into the back room to sort out the boxes while he manned the front desk. It was an unsurprisingly slow morning; people rarely stopped in before noon. Those who did just sort of quietly milled around the store, clearly just trying to waste time, since there wasn’t much else to do in Hawkins, Indiana. Thus, you were surprised to hear Keith start a conversation with someone. You couldn’t resist peeking your head out the door.

There were two gangly teenagers standing at the counter, staring intently at Keith. One was a tall, freckled girl with heavy eyeliner, high-waisted jeans, and a vaguely-familiar face. The guy standing next to her, though, you recognized immediately, thanks to his unforgettable head of hair. The last time you’d glimpsed that glorious mane was a few months ago, when it had been drenched in hair gel and squashed under a graduation cap. 

“Uh, just to be clear, we weren’t fired, you know,” the girl was saying. “The mall burned down and killed, like, a bunch of people.”

“Thanks for sharing. Didn’t know,” Keith said, somehow making a monotone ooze with sarcasm. You couldn’t stop yourself from rolling your eyes; your boss was a lot of things, but “welcoming” wasn’t one of them. He pointed a finger at the girl and said, “Three favorite movies-go!”

She glanced around for a moment as she gathered her thoughts, then named The Apartment, Hidden Fortress, and Children of Paradise. Without showing any sign of acknowledgment, Keith turned to Steve, looking for his answers to the same question. You expected Steve Harrington to smoothly fire off a list of flicks featuring lots of action-packed scenes and scantily-clad women.

However, he just repeated Keith’s question, dumbfounded. Keith responded, “Did I stutter?”

Steve drew out a long “uh” before answering, “Animal House for sure, uh…” 

He brought his hand nervously to his lips, which he grazed over with his thumb. Oh, to be that thumb. His dark eyes darted around the room until Keith reminded him, “Eyes on me, Harrington.”

“Yeah, uh...Star Wars?” It sounded like more of a guess than an answer.

“A New Hope?” 

Steve stared at your boss blankly. “A new what now?”

Keith heaved a sigh. He was clearly already done with this kid. “Which Star Wars?”

“The one with the teddy bears, duh,” Steve said. 

He made a high-pitched noise that you figured was supposed to resemble an Ewok. You had to bite the inside of your cheek to keep from bursting out laughing. You knew Keith wouldn’t be impressed, though, so part of you felt sorry for the poor boy.

Wait, poor boy? This was King Steve you were talking about. The last thing his big head he needed was for his head to get even more inflated with your sympathy.

“Hmph, no?” he asked. His female companion ducked her head, effectively hiding her face. Then, excitement lit up Steve’s features, and he started ticking things off on his fingers. “Oh! The movie that just came out. The one with the DeLorean, and Alex P. Keaton, and he’s trying to bang his mom-”

Was that...Harrington’s synopsis of Back to the Future? Really? God, was this guy okay? I mean, you knew he’d smoked a little in high school, but you didn’t know marijuana could do permanent brain damage. 

“Yeah. Those are my top three. Classics,” Steve murmured. He cast his gaze down awkwardly. Because as clueless as Steve Harrington could be, he still knew what was coming next.

Keith confirmed everyone’s suspicions by telling the girl, “You start Monday,” and telling Steve, “You start never.”

Steve blinked, the hurt evident in his chocolate eyes, even from a distance. The girl leaned into him, gently bumping her shoulder against his.  “Will you just, um-will you give us a minute?” she asked, gesturing to Keith. 

“Why?”

“Steve,” she said gently. The message she communicated through her gaze must have been convincing, since Steve simply nodded once before sliding his resume off the counter and walking over to a display. 

As soon as he was out of earshot, the girl leaned forward on the counter. She spoke barely above a whisper, and you had to strain to hear as she defended her partner’s honor. You crept up the aisle to get closer to the action in hopes of catching the rest of the conversation. 

“He’s a douchebag of the highest order, Robin,” Keith was saying.

That was when the mystery girl’s identity finally clicked. This was Robin Buckley-band geek, language nerd, school genius. You’d gone to high school together. She was a year younger and way too smart for her own good, so you didn’t share many classes, but you’d had the same homeroom last year.

“He was a bit of a prick to us in high school; I’ll grant you that, but he remains…” Robin threw a glance toward Steve, who was admiring the cover of every single movie on the shelf. “...a total chick magnet.”

The guy who’d just made an Ewok sound moments earlier? Yeah, okay.

“Yeah, okay,” Keith said, mimicking your thoughts. You made a mental note to try to spend less time with Keith so his terrible personality didn’t rub off on you too much. “And this is relevant to me how?”

Robin’s jaw practically dropped. She spoke, voice full of drama: “Earth to Keith. The ladies will come in just to see him. They’ll come in in droves. Droves, Keith. We sold so much ice cream that they had to get a second shipment from Michigan. Goddamn Michigan, Keith. And these ladies...these ladies are hot. They are so very hot. And there are too many for little Steve. He needs assistance. He needs your assistance, Keith.”

“What’s in it for you? You got a thing for him or somethin’?”

There was a loud clatter as Steve bumped into a cardboard cutout of a woman in a bikini. (You really didn’t understand why you even had that thing at a place that called itself a “Family Video” store. However, when you’d questioned it, Keith had just told you to “find something better if you don’t like that one”, and you weren’t about to spend your already-scarce income on a lifesize cardboard cutout.) The cardboard lady tumbled to the floor, despite Steve’s best efforts to rescue her. As he awkwardly tried to restore her to her former position, Robin turned back to Keith.

“We’re just-um-we’re just friends,” she said, even though the slight blush that sprung to her cheeks seemed to suggest otherwise.

“Oh! Fast Times,” Steve exclaimed, putting the fake woman back into place. He read from the caption at her feet. “Fast Times. Ever heard of it? Top three for me.”

Robin let out a twinkling laugh, and Steve smiled back at her.  

You didn’t understand why that simple exchange twisted your stomach into a knot.

Taglists:

General: @novaddictx @anabundanceoffandoms @rexorangecouny @morganvanilla@anolddayslover

Steve: @broadwayandnetflix @explode-a-pult @whormotional @loulouloueh@peterhollandd

Stranger Things: @readinthegarden12 @lacunaclouds

If you want to be added to the tag list for a specific character/my writing in general, leave a reply or send me a message! Thanks again for reading. <3

If you want to check out more of my writing, here’s my masterlist. :)

[sofiessketches]

NASASocial experience at JPL

This is a LONG one, so I’m gonna put it under a readmore! 

This was my first ever NASA Social, so I didn’t really know what to expect when I applied, what the chances were or what other sorts of people would be there. I was surprised I even got in, because compared to some of the other people I have very few followers, but I think there’s more to it than that! As Stephanie, the head of social media at JPL, said, “You were chosen for your insatiable curiosity, and for the stories you tell”. I really appreciate that the selection process was more about being a creator of SOMETHING that you truly care about.

I’ve been to JPL several times for tours and lectures, but it’s always exciting to come up to the front..there was a really long line, I’m assuming because of the event and also traditional media that was there to interview people.

Got my badge and headed in, and said good morning to the Curiosity model! (which I wish was as detailed as the real thing..I still love her tho. I’ve just been spoiled having gone on tours and doing a lot of research on Curiosity that I was able to spot what’s missing..)

Admiring how the light hits her..er..Chemcam

I never get tired of looking at this piece, but this was the first time I actually checked out the plaque next to it, which had a helpful diagram!

An installation displaying the information from the GRACE (Gravity Recovery and Climate Experiment) and GRACE Follow-on missions, which in the words of my friend Sirina, shows us how screwed we are, in a beautiful way! I also realized the reason the screens are this shape is because the spacecraft are shaped like that...!

JPL’s inspiring slogan in a beautiful geometric typeface B)

We got to the meeting/conference room, with portraits of all JPL’s past and present directors around. The last seat at the front table appeared to be taken by the Mars 2020 wheel, so I asked if I could sit there with the wheel, and my day was made! I have to admit this may have been the highlight of my day. One of the first JPL-specific drawings I did was a study of an image Curiosity had taken of her own wheels on Mars, and after that I read a lot about how the wheels worked and how the design was less than ideal..it makes me happy to see the next iteration and how it’ll work out!

No pointy grousers for the sharp Mars rocks to snag on here!!! Just this...veeeeery shallow S-curve.

Everyone hanging out and social media-ing before the event began, waiting for more people to get there. I happened to sit next to a couple people I had pre-stalked on Twitter from the list they made of participants!

LOSING MY MIND EVEN MORE THAT WE COULD TOUCH AND PICK UP THE WHEEL???!?!!? It was pretty light, since it was a 3D model and not made of actual aluminum.

Lookin cute together. This is Kevin Baird, an awesome photographer! The only patches we had in common were the NASA meatball (not even the same one, though) and the SOFIA patch, which was strangely almost in the same spot on both of our jackets.. (on the back left side)

Then Stephanie, JPL’s social media head, came and proposed to us with space grade aerogel, and of course we all said yes. 

After an introduction, Linda, another social media expert at JPL, brought over a top secret looking box, which she explained will have some cool graphics relating to Mars 2020 on the front and inside soon (excited to see that!!)

Inside were material samples of several components of Mars 2020, including the many layered thermal blanket, the ropes that will lower the rover onto the surface of Mars (which can hold the weight of 1 car EACH, and the rover will be suspended by 80 of them) as well as the parachute material (orange), which was remade for better strength and lightness. 

We also got to hold a replica of the sample cache tubes that Mars 2020 will be filling!

At 10:00, the event we were there for, the State of NASA, came on (a budget rollout explaining briefly how much money the government will be giving to NASA in 2021 and what it’s for) so we watched Jim Bridenstein in front of some incredible engines...

And I just..get excited when I see the rover on the screen ok..

There was a super cool internal view of how the Mars 2020 will be depositing sample caches! The video is below:

Anyway, the budget rollout declared 22 billion to NASA and 3.3 billion of that to the development of the human landing system, which will go toward landing humans and science on the moon for the Artemis program. You can read more here about this.

After that, Director Watkins and Dr Zurbuchen came to answer questions, and we learned a bit about Mars Sample Return, and the mission that will come before that but after Mars 2020, which will map icy areas in Mars’ poles. (Really looking forward to learning more about that!!) I gave Dr Zurbuchen some stickers I made and he gave me his card......!

Soon after, we headed to the Science building, to learn about MOXIE (Mars Oxygen In-Situ Resource Utilization Experiment) (I’ve noticed, the bigger the budget on these missions, the more effort they put into making the acronyms for everything sound cool) This technology demonstration is on Mars 2020 to prepare for larger scale carbon dioxide to oxygen conversion from Mars’ atmosphere for human use. This size of MOXIE creates only about enough oxygen to keep a small dog alive. Still impressive!!!

Wandered around the MOXIE lab a little and took a peek at the rest of what was on the walls and tables..

After that, we went to the Spacecraft Assembly Facility, where Mars 2020 was not, but that’s a good thing! I’m actually not sure which part is in the box there.. but soon after we left, it left too!

Teeny tiny Mars 2020 model hidden at the end of the viewing area...

Best.

At the indoor mars yard, a couple InSight engineers talked to us about how they use this area to test software before they send it to Mars. Here from left to right are the engineering models for Mars2020, InSight, and Curiosity.

Her name is Maggie!

One of my goals in life is to be able to stand in front of the arm and draw it until I understand what the hell is going on.

Also going to insert some pics I took last week because I was lucky enough to get a tour from my friend Sirina, where there were engineers inside working on the arm:

Next, we headed to the Mars Sample Return testbed!

It makes me excited to be in the rooms with dirt regolith inside.. also SmalBoSSE is the best acronym I’ve seen all day...

The “volleyball” that Mars 2020′s sample caches will eventually be stored in, to be fetched by another rover, launched into orbit around Mars and picked up to be sent back to Earth! 

More freaking out about rover wheels. This is a prototype of one that will be on the rover to pick up the samples; the wire is slightly deformable which is great for offroad Mars action.

The rover will be a joint effort between NASA and ESA.

I love seeing these posters with hints of other projects going on. So cool!!

Last stop (cry) was Mission Control, aka The Center of the Universe, where all the data the Deep Space Network gets from spacecraft comes in.

The view from inside from my previous tour!

*eyes emoji when I see Mars 2020*

The darkroom and Curiosity’s Ace’s desk, where they send commands to Curiosity at 10:30AM Mars time.

Spitzer’s end of mission from Monday (top) vs the day after it was decommissioned (bottom).

Center of the Universe!!!

Ouagh don’t step on it! Well you can..

It was sad to say goodbye to our excellent guides, but we’ll be keeping in touch!! ;)

I also got a bunch of awesome pictures taken of me, which I was surprised by, because usually I’m the last one people take pics of..! 

My jacket, which they posted on JPL’s instagram... gosh!!!!!!

And some stickers/new business card design (did I post this here yet??) I gave to everyone I met!

Displayed at Shannon Forrey’s desk!

This was a truly amazing experience, my first time attending one of these events, I learned so much and had such a great time surrounded by inspiring and talented people. Thank you again to everyone at JPL who made it possible and to all the scientists and engineers who took the time to share their work with us! I’ll never forget this day.

Also, I want to make some art based off what I learned, so keep an eye out for that in the upcoming weeks!

[damdahdi-studies]

exam season

the last 2 weeks have been exam season. leading up to exams i ran week-long blocks of distracting websites on my mac, so I haven’t been able to get on tumblr.... so finally updating now: (more like ranting.) 

one math exam left, on thursday morning

exams so far have been.... okay. none of them i feel particularly good about, but overall i think i managed to deal with the stress/anxiety better this semester than last, just a little bit 

some nice things that happened before exams: 

100% in Chinese speaking mock exam, listening and writing section of written mock exam. i didn’t really realise it until i looked back on my old posts and read how i felt after first set of exams just now, but i have come ... maybe not a long way, but some kind of way :] at the time i was very insecure about just myself and barely believed i could improve on my own; yet i did to a standard i never could’ve dreamed even start of this year. 

somehow obtained 90% in an oral presentation i made about The Crucible by Arthur Miller. i still don’t know how I did it, but I’m glad i improved from the 60s i got last semester in presentations. public speaking still felt like hell though 

top female scorer in my state for some maths competition. also have no idea how i did this, i thought i would get distinction at best. 

changed piano teachers (previous teacher recommended the new one) 

dress for year 12 ball next year arrived. it’s a soft grey pretty thing 

my birthday was during exam season :/ 

also first set of my own prayer beads arrived. have been using them daily since 

reflecting on each subject: (so I can read back on this after i get my marks back and be like haha....  you fool.) 

Literature: better than last time is all i can say... it was okay (still felt like hell during the exam because it’s Literature) managed time during exam slightly better, I didn’t panic as much, but that’s about it lmao i’m crossing my fingers for a low 70s and double crossing for an A. i wasn’t able to or simply didn’t contribute much effort/time to literature this semester, so a B wouldn’t really be a fuck-i-tried-so-hard-why-did-i-get-this-grade kind of punch in the gut, but it would be really nice to not break an all A streak... but I highly suspect I will get a B

Methods (maths): exam was harder than i expected. hoping for a 90s though, a mark that wont bring my average down. i think i was best prepared for methods compared to other subjects, emphasis on COMPARED to other subjects. -_- 

Physics: ahh physics. a whole debacle happened during the exam, please see below. other than that the exam was... kind of expected difficulty? which is difficult, but it wasn’t terrible-terrible. i’m hoping for an 80s. i really can’t hope for much, i was probably delirious half the time. i did manage to ‘finish’ (attempt every question) though i wish i got more time... i couldn’t double check many questions and there was this one question i wanted to spend more time on but oh well... 

summary: i threw up once before the exam, twice during.  

ate a blueberry bagel with cream cheese, with some salmon on top for breakfast. looking back, it was probably the salmon. 

didn’t feel good after. got to school feeling pretty sick in the stomach and a pretty bad headache.... which escalated to one of the worst headaches ive had in the last 3 years in 20 minutes 

at this point i could tell something was wrong and that i was about to throw up 

went to the toilet, tried to throw up whatever was causing pain to my body, but couldn’t. only ended up scaring away some poor kid in the next cubicle 

FIRST TIME: left toilet. sit still for 10 minutes outside, feeling progressively worse. go back to the toilet, then throw up a lot. gargle, wash face, go back to find everyone filing into the exam room. 

feeling slightly better at this point since ive thrown up (i thought i had emptied most of my stomach by then. spoiler alert: no) and decide internally to just do the exam. (if i don’t, then i would have to fill out some form, probably do the exam way later. too annoying) 

SECOND TIME: so i sit the exam. 5-6 minutes into reading time, i feel another wave of throwing up coming. i raise my hand, i’m at the very back of the hall, so examiner takes a bit to notice. my brainwashed ass brain thinks i can’t stand up and leave without the examiners spoken permission, so i persist in sitting in my seat for around 10 seconds until she’s there, i’m already throwing up in my mouth at this point. finally something snaps and i make a break for the toilet, but it’s too late and i throw up all over the floor. in the exam hall. Fuck. i immediately apologise on the spot. 

examiner leads me to toilet. i throw up some more. gargle, wash face. she asks me to step outside for a couple of minutes for fresh air and i do. 5 minutes later she comes back and asks me if i want to continue the exam. i say yes. we go back in, the vomit is gone from the floor. she moves my seat closer to the exit, and tells me i can bolt out whenever i need to throw up. i sit the exam. 

some time after this, the other examiner leaves a vomit bag next to me just in case

THIRD TIME: an hour in? i feel another wave coming. i grab the vomit bag, make a dash for the toilets but the stupid old door won’t open properly. the examiner helps me open the door and i throw up in the toilets, in the vomit bag this time. it’s not as much as the previous two times. tie up the bag, throw it in the bin, gargle, wash face. 

instinctively i feel that this is the last time i’ll throw up, that i’ve truly emptied everything from my stomach this time. headache is way weaker at this point. 

go back in and examiner asks me if i’m really sure i want to continue the exam, whether or not if i want to fill in a form excusing myself from the exam. i say no.

about an hour left in the exam, which i sit in utter peace 

didn’t get any extra time. 

apologised to some people around me after the exam while filing out of the hall... i suffered but they did too. 

went home and drank some stomach soothing tea. slept

ate porridge for the next 2 days. 

Chemistry: it was.... okay. i did finish and attempt every question. there were a couple of questions in multiple choice i was iffy about and a question in short answer i was like um... what? to, but other than that it was.... eh. i didn’t study much for it, so whatever mark i get i deserve. if i do defend myself it was 3 days after the shit show that was the physics exam, and i felt sick for at least a day after.... but yeah. should’ve tried more. 

during reading time, the examiner who saved my life put the vomit bag on my desk in the physics exam came and asked me if i was feeling better 

i said i’m feeling good thanks : ) 

like an hour later? i feel sickness coming. not stomach this time, just general sickness. somehow i get a fever and subsequently, the FLU in the middle of the chem exam- 

i highly suspect i got it from the examiner 

come back home to find out that i really do have a fever

this was yesterday. yes i’m sick now. like, more sick. 

Chinese: this was today. i’m still kind of too traumatised to reflect on it properly. Chinese is the only subject that ive studied the yr 12 course for this year, so this exam really counts. like 35% of my final grade counts kind of counts. and i did pretty bad. like pretty bad. it was definitely more difficult than the mock exams, and the recordings in listening section were quicker than previous years. the writing section was... traumatising while writing i kind of had a wave of anxiety/panic hit me? i could feel my heartbeat my face was burning and i started sweating ;-; and even the reading section, which is usually okay, was a bit hard. i’ll get the marks back and my final grade for this subject in December - we’ll see until then. got a slightly overdue birthday present before the exam tho :) 

So yup. that’s my exam season. i’m typing this instead of studying for my maths exam day after tomorrow but hey, i’m sick and need rest, right? 

overall, these exams i managed to keep control of my stress a bit better, i wasn’t so overwhelmed like last time. last semester i could barely live, literally. this time i made the habit of living at the library which i found really helpful and comparatively productive, i’ll definitely be using that strategy more often. i’m just glad i managed to study SOMETHING or prepare for exams explicitly this time, because i was simply too overwhelmed to do that last time. i improved. maybe not by much, maybe it doesn’t seem like much, but it’s better than none... 

i’m not saying i don’t have regrets or shortcomings in these exams. i definitely do. DeFinITEly. but doesn’t mean i didn’t improve. i did improve. just, maybe not as much as i wanted. 

i really learned to the bone this time that learning during the semester is so, so important. i think that’s just a wisdom i’ll have to carry through the rest of my academic career. 

wish me luck for my maths exam on Thursday 

my friends and ive already planned an outing for after the exams :) 

also getting overdue birthday presents next monday! :D 

[125daystotrain]

Training for another marathon.  Maybe.

I’ve let my friend convince me to train for the Disney World Dopey Challenge in January 2021 (you run the 5K, 10K, half-marathon, and full marathon over 4 days, in that order).  TBD whether I actually sign up - a lot of it will depend on, y’know, the whole pandemic thing.  That said, I worked it out and I have exactly enough time to go from zero to Dopey if I start this past Monday, April 6.  So I did.  And I’m planning to document here, similar to what I did for my very first marathon.  

Monday’s run: C2 5k Week 1 (5 min warmup walk, 60sec run/90sec walk, 5 minute cooldown walk).  2.28 miles, 34:42 minutes.  I used a podcast, which if I can figure out where I found it I’ll link to.  Unfortunately, I had it on an ipod shuffle and I accidentally hit the “next” button instead of the volume button halfway through, so I had to try to get back to where I was, which is impossible.  So I did an extra 5 minutes.  Oops.

Came home and: 1 x 5 single leg squats, each leg Hip flexor exercises (no band, 20 reps total, straight leg raises, side leg raises, clamshells) stretching foam rolling

See under the cut if you feel like reading a vague history of the last few years/what I’m thinking!

This time around I’m definitely older, my body is feeling that “older”, and I haven’t really run regularly since about 2017.  That’s for a few reasons, one being that after running the Boston Marathon in 2016 my right knee was messed up.  Never really did figure out what was wrong, despite an MRI, so I guess we’ll see how that goes.  I also moved in summer 2017, to an on-campus night job of sorts, and along with that comes no kitchen and eating in the dining hall, plus occasional evening responsibilities.  The dining hall, particularly the dinner hours, really messed with my gym/running since I much prefer going right after work and I have to be careful about what/how much I eat before running because it upsets my stomach/gives me heartburn.  So combining dinner ending at 7:15, me not leaving work at exactly 5pm (some days not until 7 due to some stuff that happened in 2018), and not having a kitchen in which to prepare my own meals (plus, if I’m getting free dinner I didn’t really want to have to buy my own anyway...), you get me not really doing any workouts.  I’ve tried, on-and-off, to go in the morning before work, at like 6am, with some friends, and it sort-of works.  But I’m really not that much of a getting-up-early person.  Given the option, I sleep until the last possible minute and I mostly always have.  So going in the mornings was not motivating to me, even though I had friends to go with.

Cue the COVID-19 pandemic.  All of the students are gone, meals are brown bags that I pick up and then take home to my suite to eat on my own.  I still have a job and responsibilities to my students, but it’s all electronic/remote, I don’t have to be anywhere at a particular time anymore.  So my friend convinced me (tho lbr, she didn’t have to try too hard), the at the end of March, and I spent last week plotting out the schedule, trying to find some decent running plans and then counting backward to see if I could fit it all in.  Miraculously, I could.  Then I figured I should get new sneakers, and the brand that I like (Brooks) was having a sale on last-year’s model, so I counted the mileage, knowing one should change sneakers every 300-400 miles when running, and bought 3 pairs, which will just about get me to Dopey.  So I had my plan, my sneakers were arriving a few days before I was supposed to start, and now my dinners are brown-bag affairs that I can pop in the fridge and eat when I’m done.

So, Monday rolls around.  I planned to get up at 7 and run then.  That...didn’t happen.  And I felt really bad about myself all day, and kept promising that I would go at 11, at 2, at 4 and still didn’t.  But then 7:30pm rolled around and I decided eff it, I was going to go then instead.  I was hoping that there would be fewer people out running on the river, and, to be honest, I’ve gained quite a bit of weight and my clothes are tighter than I’d like and it’s darker at 7:30pm then it is in the morning or the afternoon.  So I did it, and it went well.  Except for the part where I accidentally hit the “next” button and had to try to figure out how to get back to the middle of a “song” on an ipod shuffle.  So I ended up doing an extra 5 minutes of running, which isn’t that big a deal, particularly since I had a looooong break in the middle while I tried to get back to the right spot in the podcast.  I didn’t succeed, but I fudged it enough.  I’d rather run a bit more than too little.

As much as I hate starting from scratch with running, I’ve done it several times and I felt pretty good.  A bit achy, but that’s fairly normal for me, plus it was my first day working out since....probably January at best.  More likely November or December.

Anyway.  I’m going to put today’s run in a separate post, so that’ll come later.

[rockinthebeastmode]

Bad Apple III

A/N: Apologies for the disappearing act! I wanted to keep working on this and get it posted but had to work a 4 night stretch over the weekend and literally could not write until last night. I will say that I’m not sure when Part 4 will come--I’ll be trying my hardest to work on it but at this point, have zero notes/ideas on it. I’m loving the hell outta it tho so I’m sure it’ll be sooner rather than later. Hope you enjoy!

Special thanks to @arathewallflower for reading first and checking that it doesn’t suck 😘😂

Bad Apple I   Bad Apple II

You can find the rest of my fics here.

@mmfdfanfic @eveerez @i-dream-of-emus @lilaviolet @laurielau @hey1tskat1e @tinakegg @kneekeyta @likeashootingstarfades @girl-looking-out-window @stinemarine @lurkernolonger @crystalgiddings1993 @milllott @milymargot @vivammfd @finn-nelson-for-the-win

Let me know if you want to be added/removed from the tag list and if I missed anyone :)

*SMUT AHEAD*

Bad Apple III

“I must be completely mental…”

Rae mumbled under her breath as she parked on the side of the road, peering out her window at the street sign. She checked her bag before getting out and starting down the sidewalk.

Finn hadn’t been in class all week.

Granted, neither had Macca or Simmy but their names had disappeared off her roster while Finn’s remained. She soon found out he hadn’t shown at his other classes either. Her worry overrode her anger and she wondered if he got in some sort of trouble after or because of their altercation--which brought her here. On his street.

She examined the houses on either side, cursing her shit memory for numbers. It was a massive leap of faith to show up looking for him at home but she’d already tried Town Records and The Swan the past two days. She hoped given his apparent reputation, the neighbors would point out his place or give an idea of his whereabouts.

She’d just reached about halfway when two boys and a girl came bounding out of the house to her right. One of the boys lit a cigar, the other grinning cheekily at the girl. She smacked at his arm, her bright red hair flying. Rae almost passed when she caught a bit of their conversation.

“--go as soon as Finn’s ready.”

“What’s keeping him? He knows we’re running late.”

“When has Finn Nelson ever been on time?”

Rae was walking to them and speaking before she could stop herself.

“Excuse me, did you mean--” she stopped short as the front door opened, revealing Finn. He tightened the flannel around his waist before lighting a rollie, pointing it at one of the boys.

“I heard that, Archer,” he carped, taking a drag. He glanced her way for a moment, before doubling back, the cigarette almost dropping from his hand, “What’re you doing here?”

Rae smiled, feeling a bit tongue-tied now that he was in front of her.

“You haven’t been at school…” she trailed off as he raised his brows, slowly walking down his front steps. ‘Archer’ took the other two by the arms, starting to drag them towards the street.

“We’ll just be over here,” he ventured, shooting Finn a curious look before smiling at Rae. She smiled back, turning to see Finn closer than before.

“Why the house call, Ms. Earl?” he asked, smoke streaming from his mouth. She fiddled with her bag, refusing to meet his eyes.

“It’s stupid but…” she rifled in her bag, pulling out a folder, “I brought notes from class...” Her cheeks reddened when he grinned and took the folder from her.

“Just your class?” he laughed, testing the weight of it. Rae looked to the side, coughing lightly.

“All of them,” she mumbled, rolling her eyes when he leaned towards her, holding a hand over his ear, “They’re from all of your classes.” Finn’s grin widened and he took a drag, his tongue curling around the smoke.

“You weren’t just gonna give me an A?” he teased, blowing his smoke to the side.

“No special treatment,” she admonished, smiling through a scandalized look. He stepped closer, taking a final drag and tossing the rollie away.

“Reckon I could convince you?” he asked, his face innocent but his tone implying much more. Rae shook her head with a flustered sigh. His smile faltered and he chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Because you’re cross with me?” he murmured, looking up at her through his fringe. She licked her lips, her eyes shifting to his friends across the yard.

“You know why,” she said lowly. He nodded, his mouth twisting to the side. She tried a smile and continued, “Why don’t you introduce me to your friends?”

“How could I forget?” he smirked wryly, shoving his hands in his jean pockets. They approached the trio by the road, Finn pointing at each one.

“That knobhead’s Chop,” he saluted her with a gap toothed beam. “His girl Izzy,” she waved, grinning wide from under Chop’s arm, “and Archie,” he straightened his glasses, smiling.

“You must be the best mate,” Rae said, looking at Finn slyly, his cheeks turning pink. Chop held a hand to his chest looking aghast while Archie smirked at Finn.

“Finn, I’m flattered,” he simpered, snickering at Finn’s glare.

“Sod off,” he mumbled, shuffling his feet for a moment. Rae cleared her throat, holding out a hand to shake.

“I’m R--Ms. Earl,” she corrected herself hastily, ignoring Finn’s grunt, “Finn’s English teacher.” A glimpse of recognition showed on Archie’s face and he glanced at Finn before shaking her hand, followed by Izzy and Chop.

“Nice to meet you.”

“We were on our way to a movie if you wanted to join us,” Izzy said, looking hopeful, possibly at the prospect of not being surrounded by boys.

“No, I shouldn’t…” she trailed off, trying not to break at the disappointment on her face, “I should be getting home,” meeting Finn’s eyes as she finished.

“I can give you a ride?” his hand raised to her arm and she stepped back, gesturing behind them.

“I drove actually,” she answered, waving at the three as they got into a car parked to their side. Finn held back, staying close to her.

“Will I see you Monday?” she asked, crossing her arms and raising a brow. He tutted, half shrugging.

“Dunno...not sure if I’m done skiving off yet,” he retorted, a smile playing on his lips.

“Oh right?” she began, starting to back away, “I won’t be bringing notes again, Nelson.”

“I guess I’ll be there then,” he derided, rolling his eyes playfully. Rae smirked and turned to leave. He called out to her as she walked away.

“Laters, Rae.”

***

“You went to his house?”

Rae huffed a sigh, nodding tersely. Chloe bit her lip, tapping on the counter in front of them.

“I was worried! I thought he’d gone on some crime spree--” Rae started, Chloe rolling her eyes, “--dead in a ditch somewhere, I don’t bloody know.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Chloe laughed, Rae sticking her tongue out at her.

“This is ridiculous. I feel like such a stalker,” she said morosely, running a hand over her face. Chloe put her arms around her in a hug.

“You just have to keep your distance now. Keep it professional,” Chloe assured, rubbing her back. Rae nodded against her shoulder but stiffened a moment later. She pulled away with a frown.

“What’s wrong?” Rae looked behind her and Chloe turned to see three boys entering and bounding over to a table along the wall. She gasped in realization when one looked over and kept his eyes on Rae behind her. Chloe turned back to the counter, gripping her arm.

“That’s him?” Rae nodded, looking at her meaningfully. “Holy shit. Good luck.”

“Oh, thanks, Chlo!” Rae ranted, “Big fucking help, that is.”

“Want a chastity belt for Christmas?” Chloe tried to joke, noticing Rae’s eyes growing wider. She grinned when Rae gave her a dirty look but smirked. Their order was pushed across the counter and Rae checked the bag before glancing at the door.

“Let’s get the hell out of here before he comes over.”

Chloe couldn’t help looking over at the boys as they went for the door, noticing Finn start to stand. They met eyes and he raised his brows at her before heading to the counter. Rae pulled at Chloe’s arm in the doorway, exiting the chippy quickly.

***

Rae spent the weekend with Chloe, desperately trying to keep her mind busy and off of Finn. She was dreading her Monday morning class and possibly having to see Finn, but also knew he needed to be in school. She couldn’t help but think that maybe she should leave and go back to Bristol. Chloe quashed that motion quickly, reminding her that she was doing this for school and the awkward encounters with a student had nothing to do with her future. She only hoped that Finn would cooperate with her and they could just be strictly teacher and student, all of their contact in and around school.

She was getting the board ready for class, her students gradually entering the room, when Principal Dixon passed by and stopped short before coming inside. The bell rang and her students sat, talking amongst themselves.

“Could I have a word, Rae?”

Rae swallowed hard and nodded, glancing behind her to see Finn slide through the door, smirking at her before going to his desk in the back.

“I just wanted to thank you for taking an interest in Mr. Nelson’s education, especially given our talk last week,” the principal said, grasping her arm. Rae smiled puzzledly.

“Oh, it was nothing,” she replied. She hardly thought bringing Finn notes constituted any thanks. Principal Dixon shook her head.

“It’s a relief to see Finn making an effort to be here and to learn. I’m sure your tutoring him will help immensely. He’s told me you offered to go over some things during lunch.”

Comprehension hit and she tried to smile, hoping it looked more encouraging than terrified.

“Of course! It’s the least I can do,” she said weakly, looking over at Finn. He nodded like he was listening to his friends, sending a quick wink her way before turning back to his conversation.

“I’ll let you get back to it, Rae. Thanks again!” Principal Dixon turned to leave and Rae faced the board, trying to compose herself. She didn’t know whether to run out the door or strangle Finn. She settled on starting class.

“Listen up! Today we’re going over Keats and his works, beginning with Ode to a Nightingale.  John Keats was a Romantic poet who…”

***

“You could’ve asked me to tutor you instead of going over my head,” Rae started pointedly, leaning back on her desk. Finn smirked from the desk in front of her.

“Would you have said yes?” he asked, knowingly. Rae opened her mouth to answer but faltered.

“Probably not,” she admitted, flattening her lips. He tilted his head, his smirk widening.

“Dixon wants nothing but the best for me,” he said, sounding like he was quoting her directly. He wrinkled his nose, his mouth twisting, “She thinks you’ll have a positive influence over me.”

“Is that such a bad thing?” He looked her face over before shrugging.

“I don’t need guidance,” he quipped, inclining his head. She nodded, choosing not to argue further. She stood from the desk, going to the side closest to the door and flipping through papers.

“What did you need help on?” She looked at him curiously when he scoffed.

“I didn’t actually need help,” he countered. Rae narrowed her eyes at him.

“Then what the fuck is this tutoring for?” Finn bit his lip and grinned, eyes sparkling.

“Watch your mouth.”

Rae’s stomach flipped and she forced herself to turn to the door, opening it a crack.

“Our meetings are school related only. You don’t need help?” she gestured to the door, trying to simultaneously hold her resolve and keep his gaze.

“Fair enough,” he nodded, standing from the desk, eyes still locked. He started towards her and she stood straighter. When he was in front of her, his hand went to the door. He pushed it closed, pressing Rae against it. She inhaled sharply.

“Finn,” she gasped breathily but didn’t fight him. His eyes went to her lips before he leaned forward and kissed her slowly, bringing his hand to her cheek.

Rae kissed back, forgetting where they were when his tongue touched hers. His thumb ran along her jaw and her mind went fuzzy. He dragged his hand down her neck, pressing against her collarbone.

“Someone will see,” she objected, feeling the glass of the window behind her head. Finn pulled away, his eyes dark and heavy-lidded. His hand continued down, going between her breasts.

“Don’t move,” he whispered, bringing his hand lightly down her stomach to her skirt. He started lift it, maneuvering his hand underneath, “Don’t make a sound.”

He grazed his fingertips up her thigh, his eyes staying on hers as he pulled aside her underwear. He touched her, starting to rub torturously slow, her eyes fluttering shut. He brought his lips back to hers, kissing her thoroughly. When his pace stayed the same, she let out a light whimper.

“Stop teasing,” she panted, biting his lip. He grinned against her mouth.

“We’ve got a little time. I’m making the most of it,” he murmured, continuing his unhurried movement and slowly driving her mad. He pulled his face away, meeting her eyes intensely. Rae gasped loudly when his fingers suddenly thrusted inside her.

Finn shushed her, his eyes sparkling mischievously. He kept his mouth close to hers as he quickened his pace, Rae’s breathing short. She let out an involuntary moan when he curled his fingers, rubbing her harder.

“Inside voice, Rae,” he chastised, his lips quirking.

“Fuck off,” she breathed before kissing him roughly, sucking his bottom lip. Her hips started to move with his hand. She felt insanely close to the edge when the door creaked and his hand paused.

“Stop moving,” he warned, his darkened eyes narrowing.

“Finn,” she moaned in frustration. Before he could continue, the bell rang, voices from the cafeteria growing louder as they approached. Her eyes squeezed shut as Finn fixed her skirt and stepped back, giving her a once over.

“To be continued,” he said breathlessly, students appearing outside the door. She swallowed hard and stepped from the door, opening it before bringing a hand to her cheek, willing her blush to fade. She watched as Finn got his bag from the desk and passed through the door, getting lost in the crowd.

[lostinruans]

Those Two Days

Ok. So I’m quite hesitant to post. Because I generally know who is reading and watching (although I dont know when or how or why they read). And this gets me angsty and insecure. Like it’s a safe space for me to post, but I get afraid to share some things. Or everything. Or don’t know how to prevent things from possibly being misinterpreted or misread (which most things prob are or will be because I’m wild and inconsisten with my feelings) but here goes Lolol.

(Actuat post starts here):

Ok. So: yeah. Lolol. Ooo awk start.

Ok. So we haven’t met in a while. A part was that we’re both busy and our schedules don’t seem to align or at first glance they don’t. We’ve just been Coexisting, but more like existing on separate lines and planes and then sometimes meeting because of preexistent measures and events etc. Another part is that I’m not watching your child. This was partly willing and partly unwilling, but opened an opportunity to work Tuesday’s because Monday’s are trash, literally. They’d make me take out and clean the trash and trash cans and it’s not as fun or easy as it sounds- even with a power washer. But it was also unwilling since I’m mostly okay with watching your child and it gives me a break from regular life and work. But whatever. I’m angsty.

Anyways Lolol. So you asked to meet. And I literally was like “uhhhhh.” Because i didn’t know what to say, but also didn’t know what it’d say if we met ?75 also because I wasnt ready, but also because it has been a long long while. And I’ve been told before, many times, to not hide or run from others, especially you. But I think it’s just hard when you have so much emotionally processing, but when you try to explain or bring it to others, it’s harder to put into words. It’s also hard to talk to someone about faith when you’ve been feeling like dry, dead, or rotting fruit, or that you say you feel nothing From God but you aren’t really “trying.” But even when you try, there’s not much of anything at all. like there have been prayers repeated weekly. Prayers spoken and whispered until I cried. And I’ve just been this stump in the ground, not knowing if I’m living or dead; growing or rotting.

But anyways Lolol. That’s not the point of this post. The point is that, the day you asked, I said we would talk about It later. But that was an excuse. I just wanted to delay what was mostly inevitable. I wanted to meet, but i was anxious and scared and uncertain. (But honestly, how pathetic is it that after like 4 years I’m still running and hiding). But later that night, a bunch of people came to fellowship so we didn’t even have time to touch base. And the car ride was... ehhhhhh. It was me wearing an emotional paper bag on my head. Buttttt yeah. Back to the stuff. So that was Friday. And Saturday and Sunday was mostly me doing stuff related to school and work, but also me dealing with the bits of the “issue” still picking at the sides of my heart. And I think I wasnt sure how or when to ask, but also I’m just super awkward in general which made it all the more difficult.

And so, I kinda sorta or whatever stirred up “courage” to passively ask about meeting up. Through messenger (LOLOLOLOL I’m so weak and sad). And no reply. Ok that’s cool. You’ve got your own fam and work and stuff. And then you read it. And I saw that you read it. And I was like, ok he’s prob chillen with his fam or eating dinner. That’s cool. I’ll wait. But no reply. So I’m just thinking about the read message. And l here is where the fall begins.

In total, it was at most two days later (Sunday night, vs Tuesday something) where I didnt have guts to “bump” the post, to which you said you didn’t have your schedule sorted out. And in my mind i was thinking “oh cool” but also “bruh” but also “why didn’t you say that earlier instead of letting me over think and dramaticize these false scenarios in my wicked head.” Haha. So dramatic. But no, like. Everything that could’ve gone or went work, went on in my head during those two days you left me blank.

One of the first things I thought was simply that you were busy. But no, busy wasn’t enough. To me, busy means you’ve got other places to go, other people to talk with, other things that you need to tend to. And you’ve got a kid and another one on the way. But Busy people make me feel like shit. Hahaha. Not that it’s bad to be busy, but it just shoves the idea back up my mind that I’m not worthy right now. That my meeting or my issues are not of high value because of everything else in life. And I feel bad because I feel incredibly selfish and needy. And I stop. I avoid it because I dont want to be a burden, when each has their own load of burdens to carry already. And like. Yikes. Yeah.

And the second thing I thought of was another stem from the root of selfishness, which was Why did I swerve. Like, why didn’t I just say “sure I’d love to meet” or “of course. It’s been a while,” but instead I was so dumb and weird and awkward and just replied “uhhhhhh// let’s talk about it later.” And like, my excuse would’ve been that I was at work, but the reality of it is that I didnt know if i wanted to meet. Which is selfish in that a meeting includes more than one person or party, and by, in a sense, denying the desire to meet, I also deny the other party’s request and desire to meet. And that’s rude lol. But from this, I despised myself even further for being so self absorbed in thinking that this meeting was for me or was based on my need and want.

And another thing I thought was about all the past mentors I’ve had before, which was “oh no. I did it again. I pushed away yet another person. Another person who just cared and I didnt try to care or love as much. Or I cared too much and hurt both of us.” Like I felt that I am too difficult to love and care for. I imagined patience must’ve gone dry, or consideration had gone stale. That I’m so emotionally and socially draining, depressing, fruitless and hopeless that maybe even you, the one of the most graceful people I know, that you, one of the most spoiling and over considerate and kind people i know, had finally given up on me. That you, too, see that the crops you’ve been given watching so carefully and intently had yet to provide fruit. That after four years, the fruit i had produced were rotten and wicked and cursed or had only lasted an hour, if lucky perhaps a day or two.

And so I hate myself for this, but I also, deep in the back of my head, wonder why you didn’t just save me from all this and say you didn’t have your schedule sorted out on Sunday. Or instead of leaving my publicly known crazy, wicked mind on a two and beyond day trip, that you just say “lemme get back to you. Like anything. Something.

A word, a phrase. Something to tell me I’m not being ignored or brushed under the rug. Like yeah. You’re busy. But a word tho lol. Or something. Or a “hey sorry brb” lol. Something to tell me I’m not trash or somewhat of worth. Like yikes.

Those days, those two single sad ass days. I’m so tired from thinking like this and from processing from rotting piles of most likely false situations that I cant even stay awake for work.

I’m such a sad person. Why am I like this.

Yay. Feels so good to feel bad.

Lol. I don’t even know the purpose of this post anymore haha. Nice. Just like me and my life, I dont know the purpose either. And that’s such a good feeling. Thanks, God. You’re so good at helping me grow. ☺️

[panticwritten]

Pearl-Handled Shotgun: Chapter One

Yeah. I have no posting schedule for this haha. We’ll just see how it goes.

Prologue

Word count: 2978

TW:

Emotional warfare (of the controlling parent kind)

Hardcore dissociation

Reference to police brutality

Alyssa

“You’re lucky we could keep it out of the newspapers.”

Alyssa doesn’t look at her father, drumming her nails against the arm of the chair. Her mom watches from a chair behind him, her disapproval clear in the curve of her brow, the thin line of her mouth. The teen turns her head so she doesn’t have to see either of them.

“That man could have pressed charges. Do you think he would have gone after your little friends?” She bristles at the sneer in his voice, but she keeps her mouth shut. “You have a promising future ahead of you, I won’t stand by and watch you throw that away.”

She nods idly, the bare minimum of what he wants from her.

“I don’t know where this is coming from, your lashing out. Your brother never did anything like this.”

Ah, there it is. Calim, the perfect son. The good one. The easy one.

“He just never got caught,” she mutters.

“What was that?”

She looks up, at the familiar anger in her father’s eyes. He cocks an eyebrow up, expectant. She sighs and shakes her head. “Nothing. I’m sorry.”

He stares at her, his gaze hard, before returning to pacing to and fro in front of the fireplace. “What else have you been doing behind our backs? It isn’t safe, and it certainly isn’t acceptable.”

“Last night was an accident,” Alyssa says before she can hold the words back. “We took a wrong turn.”

He stills, burning eyes back on her. “You shouldn’t have been out at all last night!”

“I already apologized for that.”

“You can’t really think a petty ‘sorry’ will make up for breaking our trust? For sneaking out, so you could—what? Run around the city with a group of delinquents?”

She straightens up, scrabbling to hold onto her unruffled air. “Delinquents?”

“They’re a bad influence.”

“They are not!” Shoulders squared, Alyssa’s practiced placidity ruptures at his ‘holier than thou’ stance. “Stephanie and Jared are good friends, and they don’t treat me like a glass doll or a- a- a piece of advertising!”

“Alyssa, dear, please don’t yell,” her mom warns, her voice soft. It diffuses the immediate tension in the air. Her father says nothing. The coolness in his eyes, however, tells her the damage has already been done. Alyssa clears her throat and continues with more restraint.

“I apologize, sincerely, for what happened. I should have been honest with you.” She pauses, heartened when her father jerks his head in a nod. “It wasn’t the first time I left without permission, and it was unfair of me keep you in the dark.”

“How many times?”

“What?”

“How many times have you snuck out?” he asks. His deceptively level voice spreads anxiety through her chest, thick and sticky in her throat. She swallows it down and makes a mental tally.

“Twelve?” She offers. It’s not counting the days she used shopping trips as cover for driving the roads on the eastern edges of Portland with her friends, but she doesn’t tell him that.

He considers this thoughtfully, as if deciding whether he’ll have honey or jam on his toast. Alyssa sees it in his eyes when he comes to a conclusion, one fist coming down on his open palm.

“Then we’ll discuss this again in twelve weeks.”

Her heart constricts in her chest, driving her to her feet. She manages to keep her mouth shut, but that’s not enough. It’s never enough. He raises a brow, unimpressed, and starts for the family room door.

“You won’t leave the manor unattended until then. You have ten minutes to tell your friends before I collect your devices.” He pauses at the door, looking back with a painfully detached expression. “Is that understood?”

“Yes, sir,” she says automatically, unable to suppress the reflex.

The door closes behind him, with hardly a whisper. She stares unseeing at the polished surface, almost wishing he had slammed it. She lowers herself back into the chair, wiping the back of a hand over her eyes before the pinch behind them can turn into tears.

If he can keep ahold of his temper, so can she.

“It could have been worse.” Alyssa jolts violently when her mom speaks. She had almost forgotten she was here.

“I know.” She doesn’t look over, dragging her phone out of her pocket. Steph and Jared will lose their minds if she just disappears for three months, especially after her father left them in jail for the night.

“You could have been killed,” she continues, voice low. Alyssa freezes, her fingers hovering over the screen. “ Just because we are who we are doesn’t mean it’s safe to get into trouble. An officer won’t think twice before they pull that trigger.”

Alyssa nods, looking up. Without her father here as a distraction, she now sees what she didn’t before in her mom’s furrowed brow, pressed lips. Fear, not disappointment. Regret pangs in her chest. “I know, mom. I swear we weren’t trying to do anything illegal.”

“That doesn’t matter.” She rises from her chair, full of grace as always, and offers her daughter a strained smile. “You need to be careful. Smarter. I’ll try to talk your father down, but I do agree that you need time to think about what happened last night.”

She nods again, and her mom starts for the door.

“I’m sorry for scaring you.”

She doesn’t answer, closing the door silently behind her. Alyssa sighs, sinking deeper into the back of the chair, and pulls up a group chat.

A<-- Hey.

A<-- I am SO sorry about my father, I can’t believe he just left you there.

A<-- I hope you both are okay. At the very least, that you’re home safe.

A<-- I can’t leave the house on my own for a few months, and he’ll be back for my phone any minute now.

She watches the screen with bated breath. After a moment, both of their icons appear beside the messages. Before she can register her relief, Steph responds.

S--> hey!

S--> i was starting to rly worry

S--> mom picked us up right after u left

A<-- Oh, thank god.

J--> a few months

J--> what the hell

J--> my dad took my keys but like

J--> just for a two weeks

S--> im grounded for a month :(

A<-- We’ve talked about my parents before. Are you really surprised?

J--> nah i guess not

J--> but thats hella rough

J--> someone needs to take some parenting classes

S--> im sorry aly

J--> how to be a good dad and not alienate your children or whatever

J--> oh shit yeah we kinda did get you in trouble huh

A<-- It’s not your fault. My mom said she’ll try to change his mind, but I doubt that will do much good.

A<-- Besides, you both got in trouble, too. It’s as much my fault as it is yours.

J--> no man dont say that

J--> youd never been camping thats a fucking crime

J--> i mean shooting at teenagers for pitching a damn tent should be a crime but thats a whole other thing

S--> jj

S--> not funny

A<-- He’s right, though.

J--> hell yeah drinking down this validation

J--> glug glug motherfucker

S--> stop

S--> ur ok tho?

S--> like should we worry?

Her phone slips through her fingers, pulled away by nimble hands, before she can answer. She hadn’t noticed her father come back in, and he leaves again without otherwise acknowledging her. She watches him go without a word.

Arguing more would make it worse. She’s lucky to have gotten ten minutes.

Now that she’s alone with nothing to do, she hefts herself upright. She stares at the embers glowing in the fireplace, considering what to do for the rest of the day. She has schoolwork due on Monday. She needs to decide within the month between Oxford—her father’s alma mater—or the local university her friends already enrolled in.

PSU sounds more fun. She wouldn’t like to think of the repercussions that may come out of that decision, though. Her parents don’t even know she applied.

She shakes her head and strides out of the room. Her feet take her along the familiar path upstairs to her study while she broods about three months without the promise of a night out on the town or a day flying along back roads in Jared’s convertible. By the time the bars are lifted, she’ll have graduated.

And she’ll have a month with them before her inevitable shipment off to Oxford.

She slams the door much harder than intended at the thought. She’s visited the campus a few times, walked through the city, and something about it leaves her uneasy. It’s beautiful, certainly, but it feels wrong.

She leans back against the door with a sigh, peering at the stack of books on her desk. The last thing she needs is for her grades to slip. She’s on thin ice as it is.

Her gaze drifts to the shelves lining the back of the room. They hold the books she’s sequestered from the library, or those that have been gifted to her.

She crosses to the closest shelf, running a finger along the books’ spines. Many of them, she still hasn’t read. She hasn’t had time to read since her parents began taking her to functions and benefits.

She dips a finger over the lip of the first in a series of old tomes wrapped in leather, one of her mom’s gifts to her this past Christmas, and drags it out. The first seems more weathered than the rest, the cover dull and rough rather than polished. She skimmed the first few pages when she first got the books, and she know there must have been effort put into it. The whole series is handwritten.

It’s as good as anything else.

She takes the book to her desk, promising herself that she’ll only read for a while. She has to get some work done before dinner, after all.

*****

“Alyssa? Are you in there?”

Alyssa jumps at the crackle of the intercom, heart racing and unseeing eyes leaving the yellowed pages of the book. It takes a few seconds to orient herself, remembering where she is. When she does, she recoils at the headache pounding behind her eyes, the roiling tension in her stomach.

She glances back down at the book to find it open near the middle. She can’t remember reading more than the first few pages—it was written as a personal diary of a slave girl named Brietta. She wrote in a neat script about mundane chores and city life, but she can’t remember the details of the anecdotes. She closes her eyes to try and remember.

Her stomach turns over when she catches a wisp of it, but it doesn’t stay long enough for her to grasp the memory itself.

“Alyssa!”

She jolts again, her eyes flying open. She rushes from her seat to the intercom and presses the flashing button for the dining room.

“Yes, mom, I’m here. What is it?”

“Come down for dinner, dear. I hope you haven’t been working too hard.”

She hesitates before answering, looking back to the book. It must have been hours since she holed myself up in there. She doesn’t remember any of it. She shakes her head and taps the button again.

“I’m fine. I’ll be down in a minute.”

She returns to the desk, ignoring her mother’s confirmation, and turns back to the first couple pages of the book. She finds the mention of ‘afternoons near the cold river after tending to mother’s sickness,’ jams one of many bookmarks upon the desk between the pages, and snaps the book shut.

She leaves it on the desk for later investigation, hurrying out to join her family in the dining room. Maybe some food will ease her lingering nausea.

By the time she enters the dining room on the ground floor, both of her parents are already perched in their seats at the far end of the table. Her mom greets her with a warm smile, her father with a nod from the end chair.

She apologizes for being late and takes a seat across from her mom. The air lays heavy upon the room, increasing the pressure behind her eyes. Even the light viola drifting from the wall speakers can’t break the tension growing with each overdone slice of a knife her father grinds on his plate through the steak.

She struggles to keep from screwing her eyes shut against it, forcing her hands into measured strokes. One bite at a time, then this will be over.

“So.”

It’s her mom that breaks the silence. All sounds of eating pause for only a moment, the rhythm of the meal changing, before continuing as though it never stopped.

“It’s gotten warm awfully fast this year, hasn’t it? Just last week it was freezing.”

“And now we’re in the upper seventies,” her father agrees.

Alyssa manages hold back a physical sigh of relief, bringing a stalk of asparagus to her lips. Her parents chat about the weather, and she keeps her head down—metaphorically speaking.

“How was your afternoon, Alyssa?” her mom asks, bright eyes on her. She lowers a slice of steak back to her plate and clears her throat with a brief glance at her father.

“Uneventful. How was yours, mother?”

She inclines her head, a conspiratorial smile playing on her lips. “Absolutely boring. My husband and daughter were hidden away in their studies all day.”

She laughs before Alyssa can feel guilty. She reaches across the table and brushes her fingers over the back of Alyssa’s hand, forgiveness promised in her eyes.

“Hidden away?” her father remarks. His words flow warmly, a rare grin directed at his wife. “My door is always open to you, Carmen.”

“And watch you approve paperwork all day? No thank you, sir!”

Alyssa can’t help but smile at the exchange.

“And you? You were upstairs for quite a while.”

The sharp change in her father’s tone straightens her spine, and her my expression morphs back into one of bland interest as she turns to meet his eyes. The sudden movement jolts her headache, and she isn’t able to hide all of her wince behind her clenched jaw.

“I was catching up on some reading for class,” she lies smoothly.

“I see.” He nods and leans forward in his chair. “You don’t look well.”

She hesitates, unwilling to admit the truth. She can’t imagine her father’s reaction to her losing several hours of time would be good, so she waits for the jammed cogs in her brain to churn out a suitable response.

“It’s just a headache,” she promises after a long pause, ignoring the way her stomach somersaults as she speaks. “Eye-strain, maybe. I was reading for several hours.”

“You shouldn’t work so hard.” Her mom’s serene interjection prompts her father to return his attention to his plate.

“I lost track of time.” Alyssa offers her a smile. She mirrors it, then turns back to her husband to discuss their upcoming trip to the capital.

Alyssa wastes no more time clearing her plate and asking to be excused. Her mom tells her to take an ibuprofen from her purse in the front hall, which she does on her way back upstairs.

Back on the third floor, she pauses at the door to her study. Just a few steps down the hall, her bedroom waits. Her bed waits, and the pounding behind her eyes feels like reason enough to take an early night.

With a sigh, still, she jerk the door open. She left the lights on, and the glare shining from the glossy cover of a textbook almost turns her back around. She stubbornly crosses the room and takes a seat at her desk.

The leather book waits for her, and she nearly flips it back open on impulse. She glances over at the stack of texts to her right, the slip of paper poking out of the first with a list of tasks.

She lifts the book, the rough cover feeling familiar under her fingertips. The cover doesn’t bear a title or an author, just the letters B.O.F. embossed across the front. She runs a finger over the initials, then the edge of the cover.

The trailing string on the bookmark knocks a pen from the desk, and she straightens up. Within moments, the book is hidden away in the desk drawer. She can read it later, when she’s gotten some work done.

Her work is much harder to get through than she may have hoped. Her headache slowly fades, but she can’t concentrate. Her thoughts keep circling back to Oxford, her friends, and the look on her mother’s face when they spoke in the family room.

That woman has been through enough.

She drops her pen on the desk and groans, pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes. She’s been reading the same line over and over for the past—she can’t even see how long it’s been because she doesn’t have her phone!

You don’t need to know the time when you’re working. You’re done when the work is done.

She shakes her head in her hands, banishing her father’s words into the ether. He’s taken enough energy from her today.

It’s not fair.

She rises from the chair, every movement sticky and slow. Flicking the desk lamp off, she pads to the door, covering a yawn with the back of a hand. She only made it through two of the six readings due, and she still hasn’t touched the worksheets, but she has all of Sunday to get them done.

She barely registers the walk down the hall to her room. She doesn’t bother turning the lights on, merely kicking her shoes off on the way to the bed and falling face first onto the pillow. Her father will likely have words with her if he catches her sleeping in her clothes, but she doesn’t care.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Not Vibing + Nostalgia | Doing the Write Thing #47

Dudes. My writing life has just been so weird lately.

I’m not really vibing with this book right now. I don't know why. Kind of a bummer, but it happens. That’s okay. The important part is, I’ve been writing. Though to put it out there, I’m in an editing + outlining mood. Not a drafting mood. Does anyone else feel that way too sometimes? I mean, editing and outlining are still SO important, but for some reason, my stubborn brain refuses to believe I’m being productive if I’m not writing. Even if I’m outlining a million chapters a day, I still can’t feel content with my productivity. It’s weird. But yeah, anyway. Not vibing with you, FOSTERED #5. Not vibing.

THAT’S OKAY THOUGH.

Don’t know if I’m going to have much time to vibe beyond today and tomorrow because GUESS WHO’S DRIVING FROM TORONTO TO PENNSYLVANIA THURSDAY TO SEE PRECIOUS KID.

(when ur brother took that photo cuz both ur brothers already met the band for u because ur brothers happened to be on tour in California cuz ur brothers happen to be in a band, and also didn't happen to have a show that day so they drove like 2 hours just to meet the band for u and ur sister cuz ur brothers are great even tho like don't tell ur brothers cuz ew brothers.)

(when u made that poster Justine [middle] is holding with ur sister [u did the lettering] and ur brothers got the band to sign copies for u ur sister and ur best friend and they do and r like the sweetest people ever)

(when u find out precious kid is having a show in Pennsylvania and even tho its a 7 hour drive ur brothers and mom decide to take u becuz u have the best family ever)

Also, going to Mexico from next Monday to Friday with the family. So my life looks like this:

Thursday: wake up really early and drive all the way to Pennsylvania. Watch Precious Kid show. Faint.

Also Thursday: drive to grandparents’ house and sleep there.

Friday: drive all the way back home.

Saturday: RELAXXXXX

Sunday: Pack. Also. Don’t panic. You’re going on a plane. But don’t panic.

(this is going to be really hard lol.)

(I’ll try)

(I’ve gone on a plane before no problem)

(Except now I’ve got anxiety (TM))

(rip)

Monday: Get up at like 2AM (so basically just don’t sleep the night before), go to airport, get on plane, go to Mexico.

Rest of the week: Enjoy Mexico fams.

Friday (or whenever we come back I don't know things I just go as things go): hello back home Toronto school starts soon BUT ALSO YOU’RE SEEING SURF CURSE IN LIKE 10 DAYS AND MAYBE GET TO MEET THEM AND ALSO DAUGHTER RELEASES A 13 SONG ALBUM TWO DAYS LATER.

HONESTLY JUST FREAKING LIVE YOUR LIFE BECAUSE LOOK AT ALL THE AWESOME SHIT THAT HAPPENS.

Anyway onto the update.

Daily word count goal: 250

Words written: 789

Total word count: 120 981

Total page count: 219

Songs played: SO I don't think I wrote with music, but I have a couple things to say in regards to music.

Like I mentioned one of my ALL TIME favourite bands (right behind The Strokes, like SO close behind The Strokes sort of) Daughter, is releasing a new album on September 1st. I about died. I talked to @sssoto​ about this after noticing they posted an ominous uncaptioned photo yesterday, and I can’t believe it actually happened.

It’s actually a score to the new Life Is Strange video game, but GUYS. Daughter just released their second album at the very start of 2016, and I don't think anyone was expecting them to release something so huge so soon. I’ve been screaming all day because of this news if you know what I mean. ;)

So punny.

They released one of the songs off the album today called Burn It Down, and I’m just going to leave it here because I'm afraid I’ll just type in all caps like OMG GUYZ ITS SO GOODZ so to avoid embarrassing myself:

The lyrics are absolutely amazing. I adore everything Daughter because Elena writes every lyric with such care and has such amazing word choice. Honestly look at me being a writer commenting on word choice in lyrics. ;) I can’t help it. She’s honestly an amazing lyricist.

Here’s some of my faves from the song:

Always said I was a good kid Always said I had a way with words Never knew I could be speechless Don't know how I'll ever break this

And there’s:

Now the world is only white noise Frequencies that I can't understand

NOW THE WORLD IS ONLY WHITE NOISE LIKE WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT.

(See what I mean. She writes with so much care but it doesn't seem forced. Writing goals. Also so sorry if Igor or Remi or someone else also penned these lyrics as well, lol. I love you too.)

I'll set fire to the whole place I don't even care about our house

!!!!!!!

So I got a little carried away there. Daughter is greatness.

Let’s just get carried away more, shall we?

So Surf Curse released their second album Nothing Yet this year. I’m a chronological music listener, so if I like a band, I have to like them A LOT because I buy every album and listen to them in order. I’m not a single song listener. Like, there are so many single songs I love from other bands but I’m such an awful music listener, I won’t listen to them until I fall in love. Basically, any band I listen to is a favourite band.

(I’m so sorry, I’d love music recs though if you have any. I genuinely do love when people do that. :) I apologize for my weird music habits though. Genuinely don't know what’s up with that, lol.)

My point was, I finally got Nothing Yet. My sister, best friend and I (with my brotherz cuz lol) are going to see them, and obviously they’re going to play songs from this album. I’ll admit, this album doesn't have the classic ‘Surf Curse’ sound, but I’m so down for Nothing Yet.

Nothing Yet is a lot more indie than punk but aaaaahahhahaha guess who’s living for it.

Favourite songs so far (I’ve only listened to it once full through since I just got it but): Falling Apart, All Is Lost, Nostalgia, Sleeping, and Christine F.

This isn’t related at all to my writing session tonight but.

Things to know: I’m not having as much fun as I should be? I’m writing a Lonan Clark Interrogation Scene (TM) [they’ve happened so many times because this boy is such a savage at this point they’re like recurring episodes looooool], but eh. Content is fine, but I’m not vibing. You catch my drift? Did I just say catch my drift.

How I felt: Is it terrible if I say bored. Sorry Lonan. dkm. (This is a me thing. It’s literally a great scene, and I’m just sitting there like yahhhhh no.)

Bad haiku to describe writing session: Boredom is not good / Especially when the scene / Is kinda good yeah

Rating of writing session out of 10 and why: 6.5 because of the above :(

On a scale from 1-10 my level of stoked-ness is: also a 6.5

Lyrics to describe writing session: He wants it easy; he want it relaxed / Said I can do a lot of things, but I can't do that / Two steps forward, then three steps back

--The End Has No End, The Strokes (Room On Fire)

I can promise you I’ve used these lyrics before but honestly me. I want it easyyyyyyyy I want it relaxed said I can do a lot of things but I can’t do thaaaaaaaat.

GIF to describe writing session:

*AND THAT OVER THERE IS RACHEL’S MOTIVATION FLOATING FAR, FAR AWAY!*

Thank you Julian. You always believe in me.

Excerpt:

How about some savage Lonan dialogue.

“I really have to tell you the truth?”

“Unless you want your brain matter to paint a Picasso on the wall behind you, I’d suggest so.”

(lonan is the second person)

(I should make that clear but I don't really need to cuz I have tags before this + context but)

“This could take as little as a half hour if you stick to the facts and stop with your bullshit, but seeming as though doing so is impossible for you, I’ll settle for two hours. Understood?”

honestly is he talking to me in this last one. because this scene could literally take me as little as a half hour if I stuck to the facts and stopped with my bullshit but it seems as though doing so is impossible for me so I’m settling for two.

(We all have off days. It’s okay.)

(It’s funny though because I don’t really have writer’s block. I know exactly what needs to happen but every time I try to write I'm like oh this is torture what are words.)

(This happened yesterday too. When I re-read what I wrote, it was fine, but it’s taking a long time to put together! Which is fine. Honestly, that happens sometimes. :))

So that’s it for the writing update! That’s actually not it though! So before I really started blogging, a few really special people in my life did some really amazingly sweet things for the FOSTERED books (+ I’M DISAPPOINTED), and I wanted to stroll down memory lane and talk about it.

EDIT: So I just took 3 hours to find all of these images. I had to scroll through my Instagram which has over 2000 photos on it... Like sometimes I wish I could go back and tell my 12 year old self that literally no one cares but alas. I’ve blurred all handles etc out because my (and everyone else mentioned here) Instagram is private, sooo that’s exclusive to friends and family.

Without further ado, I bring to you, NOSTALGIA. To preface, these were all from 2014/2015. So no judgements. lol. Excuse how lame I am in these captions. Honestly. Also: I hope this doesn't come across like I’m boasting about things people have done for me as that’s not what I’m intending at all. I just want to share the love and kind of thank the people who did all this stuff for me one more time because honestly, every single thing I received genuinely touched me, and everything I receive now continues to touch me. It makes me really happy thinking about all this stuff, so I thought I’d share the good vibes. :)

1. I’M DISAPPOINTED cast fanart

So @sarahkelsiwrites​ drew these guys for me in 2015. I mean let’s just give a shout out to Ben. (Her art doesn't look like this anymore lol. So sorry Sarah.)

2. My first Twitter banner

Do I need to explain this one.

Also, that ain’t my handle anymore wut kind of.

(i’m now @ rachellwrites)

(but I don't use my twitter for anything besides reblogging precious kid tweets so there’s a warning)

3. Ashley’s Foster comment legacy + Sarah and quinoa

I mean. Sarah’s profile picture was legit an avatar she made of Harrison through an app or something.

4. Fetus Loner angst tho I didn't know he was angsty

It’s almost three years later and The Emotional Loner Chronicles is now running its 12th million season ft melancholy and angst

5. Ashley’s Foster comment legacy lives on

6. Fosever foreverrrrr

Sarah made me this really awesome plastic thing with perler beads to commemorate Fosever (MC + love interest aka foster + reeve) and I can’t get over how cool this thing is... It’s been a while (like a year) since I’ve seen it, but it’s lying around somewhere, and it’s incredibly cool. It actually attaches together. Thanks @sarahkelsiwrites!​

7. @sarahkelsiwrites​‘ early Reeve fanart

sarah’s going to kill me for putting this on here lol. Honestly though at the time I literally freaked. She drew it for me when she was at home sick, and it’s just so thoughtful and adorable lol.

8. Ashley’s cliffolution

@imdisappointed​ (Ashley) is the best best friend I could ask for. Bah.

9. Making paper cranes with Ashley

Ashley was actually the one who helped me make all the paper cranes on the newer edition of the FOSTERED books. She posted this when we were done, and I still can’t stop laughing.

10. I’M DISAPPOINTED love

this is just so sweet, lol. bah.

11. Clifford fanart by Sarah + caption

Sarah drew this portrait of Clifford a very long time ago, but it still remains one of my favourite things ever.

12. Sarah and Lonan clash heads a lot 

Do I need to explain this one other than the fact that @sarahkelsiwrites​ literally calls the FOSTERED books Harrison Palooza.

13. The Harrison Chair

Here’s a really cringy old excerpt from book three that explains why Sarah posted about a chair in a hotel room ignore the literal terrible writing :

“She’s in Texas?” I blurt, turning around on the spinning chair. Harrison stares at me for another second like he’s contemplating some evil plan, walks up to me, lifts me out of the chair, sets me on the bed, then takes a seat in it himself. “Oh yeah…” he mumbles. “So much fucking better…” “Harrison!”   “Jesus, this is so much fucking better…” he moans, rubbing a hand over his face. “What the hell was that for?” I growl, crossing my arms over my chest, cocking an eyebrow up at him. He sighs before deflating completely in the chair, answering me with his eyes closed. “For sitting your fat ass in my chair.” He grumbles, soon demanding Foster go turn on the coffee machine.

I talked to her about this recently, and apparently she still gets mad over this. Oh boy.

14. Lonan and his Quest bars

This is actually my own comment but I’m sharing because this is just too good.

15. I don't even know what’s going on but Harrison.

@sarahkelsiwrites and her pro Harrison edits. I just love the font choice in this.

16. Sarah makes Reeve a birthday cake

This was so cute, and I actually forgot this happened until I found this post again super recently!

17. Cousin retrieves a cup with the word Foster just to show me

This was years ago, but I think it’s just really adorable? I think it’s so sweet that she went out of her way to get it. Honestly. I can’t gush because I’m just eklsblwkanelfkn feelings.

18. Ris cover from the trash

This picture was actually what pushed me to make this post because my cousin and I just talked about this a few days ago! She told me she looked through the trash for weeks to find this thing because it looked like it said RIS and lol honestly I just... That’s so funny and thoughtful and plain adorable cuz I know I wouldn’t search through the trash for Harrison (leave him where he belongssss), but she did and that’s just bahhhh. So thank you Becca. for literally going out of your way to retrieve two pieces of trash with my characters’ names on it because if that isn’t their aesthetic, I don’t know what is.

19. Sarah’s emojis

lol. I cri.

20. Greek god.

I can’t help but laugh so hard every time I see this. HAHAHAHAHA.

So that’s it! I talked about birthday cakes etc, before, so I didn’t include them in this round. But honestly, all of these things mean so much to me... I wish I could project my gratitude a little more eloquently, but I’m so happy these three wonderful people are in my life, and thought of my book and liked it enough to take their own time to make things for it.

Most of this was all a couple years ago, like I mentioned, but I still love all of these things now. Thanks so much for letting me share them with you! I hope you guys enjoyed this post. :) I’ll see you in the next one!

--Rachel

[jadeile-writes]

Let’s talk about my newest fic spree because I wanna

First Imma talk Zelda. Hazbin will be discussed after. I’ll bold the first line of it so it’s easy to skip there if you’re so inclined.

But Zelda now.

Nobody has actually expressed any concerns about it, but I’m going to imagine that someone is losing sleep over this because it makes me feel important and stuff. And by "it”, I mean the “Shiiiit, she’s jumping fandoms, she is definitely going to abandon all things Zelda now and Adventure Gone Mini will never be finished and also the fandom will probably somehow combust without her, halp!”

That’s a valid concern. That happens a lot with writers, fanartists, and other content creators (and non-creators, but that’s less panic-worthy for most people). So, let me reassure you: I admit I’m a lot less enthusiastic about Mini nowadays, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to abandon it this easily. It started as and still is a passion project, and I’ve actually managed to write it consistently for over a year now, which is unheard of with me.

I’ve admittedly occasionally considered taking a break from it, but I’m well aware that if I stop writing it for any amount of time, chances are I’ll procrastinate getting back to it until eventually it’s officially forever unfinished. I’m not willing to risk that, which was actually the reason why I stopped publishing a new chapter every two weeks and switched to three weeks a few months ago. That way my flagging enthusiasm got balanced by having more time to get it done without it being a chore. That works really well, too. I can certainly keep this up since it’s already a routine and I do actually know where the story is going and everything. All I need to do is write it. Sometimes it’s boring and uninspired, sometimes I’m hella happy doing it, but the bottom line is that I’m able to do it regardless of my mood for it.

I’m not sure if I’ll do the Mini sequel I’ve occasionally talked about in my comment replies. It may just be that I’ll sigh out of relief when I’m finally done with Mini and decide to simply let it go. I can’t say yet. I mean, the sequel wouldn’t be anything much anyway, just revisiting the characters and places, having Zelda drop by, a peek at Sidon’s magical training, stuff like that, probably in the form of drabble chapters. So it wouldn’t really be that hard to write, but I can’t estimate my inspiration for it at this point. We shall see. It’s still months away, since Mini is far from done.

I’m not sure if I’ll really get back to that Revalink fic I’ve advertised in my blogs here and at Ko-fi, even if I don’t yet actually feel like dropping it. I mean, it’d be a breath of fresh air anyway, since it’s a different ship and timeline (as in, before Calamity). So who knows.

I’m reasonably sure I won’t be starting any new Sidlink fics, though that’s partly because I’ve already explored the ship so thoroughly with the fics I have that it’d feel repetitive. So that’s one thing you shouldn’t hold your breath for. I’m sorry.

As for the fandom as a whole... There’s the sequel to BotW coming up, so it just might toss me right back into the fandom right when I feel like I’m done being super active here (for the record, I typically don’t really leave fandoms forever, I just stop being obsessed). So, there’s still solid hope for more BotW fics in the future. But for now I’m definitely only doing Mini, and then my other fandoms on the side.

Oh, speaking of that. Yes, I’m writing hella lot of fics for Hazbin Hotel, and it might feel like I’m neglecting Mini by using my time for these other fics instead, but that’s not the case. I still have my weekly regular writing hour dedicated to Mini alone; no other fic is being written at that particular slot of time, and Mini keeps being steadily written. The other fics are written at random times, and that time would not be spent on writing Mini even if I stopped writing the other fics. I’d probably just use that time playing Pokémon Sword instead or reading other people’s fanfics or watching youtube or something. So, no need for jealousy or worry there.

Now, let’s talk Hazbin Hotel.

If you’re following me on ffnet or AO3, or simply keep an eye on the new Hazbin fics in general, you may have noticed that I published the first chapter of Aceducation yesterday. The next chapter will be published tomorrow. Yay! And the last chapter will be up this Thursday. Excite!

I’m actually very proud of the fact that I got a grip and wrote the last chapter that quickly after promising I’d get it done soon.

...Yes, of course there is an ulterior motive for being so prompt about it.

And that motive is that I want to start publishing “Shit, the Radio Demon is a part of my afterlife”, or Afterlife for short, soon. I mean, since I plan on publishing one chapter a week, I already have a buffer of seven weeks at hand (yes, I finished chapter six today, so there is no longer an awkward gap between chapters there). That’s a long time to be used to write more, and also a long time for me to wait for my readers to catch up to the new stuff cause I’m excited about everything and I want you guys to see it : | So, I don’t want to wait any longer.

I don’t want to be wasteful about my general fic output by publishing all the fics at once, tho, so I needed to get the shorter fic, Aceducation, out of the way. That is, unless I wanted to hold onto it until after Afterlife was done, which would be months away with the once-a-week-and-over-ten-chapters schedule. Hence, suddenly a lot of motivation to get it done and published asap XD

Now, the question on your mind should be “Okay, so when do we get the first chapter of Afterlife?” And I have already decided on the answer: 6th of December.

Why that date? Multiple reasons. Starting with the fact that Aceducation will take until Thursday to be fully published, and I’m not publishing both fics at once. Secondly, since I update this blog on Saturdays, I want to hold on publishing the first chapter of Afterlife until after the next Saturday, purely so that I can officially put the posting date on the Update blog and post a spoiler snippet of the first chapter here before the actual publishing. Thirdly, and this is a long game reason, because of my Zelda epic, Adventure Gone Mini. I update Mini every three weeks on Wednesdays. Now, Sunday and Monday would be viable options for a weekly updating of another chapter fic, but I just don’t wanna. Tuesday is not an option, because then I’d be flooded with Hazbin feedback on Wednesday and that’d distract me from Mini (although that’s what I’m doing with Aceducation right now, ironically enough). Thursday I’ll be receiving feedback from Mini, so that’d be distracting me from Afterlife. But Friday works well long term, so Friday it is : D

If you feel like you can’t wait that long for the first chapter of Afterlife... well, I have it worse, trust me. I’m dying to post right this damn second XD That damn itch started the moment I finished writing chapter six today and was like “Huh, now I have seven consecutive chapters done. That’s seven weeks of content, and took me maybe two weeks to write. I now have seven weeks to write the rest of this fic, and obviously every finished chapter will bump that by one more week. ... ... why aren’t I already publishing the first chapter so that my future readers can start reading already agdakhdgkagdkga!!”

So yeah, I suppose that’s all I have to say. And this essay is about 1400 words long, which I would happily publish as a oneshot or a chapter if this was a fanfic. Can’t I stop being a writer for one damn second? Heh, see you around, my lovely readers!

[geleixi]

HEY HI HELLO!!

i have been gone for a little while, and i came back but haven’t really been active. so i guess i’d like to give a ~life update~ of sorts, even tho the only thing that has really happened to me is that my semester started lmao

so--LMAO--tumblr suspended access to my main blog (this one) because i had hoarded urls when i was sixteen. it didn’t feel like a big deal, bc they said that i could just delete any blogs i had that weren’t being used and email them back and i could get access back, but it ended up taking, like, three weeks for them to do anything. okay. whatever.

i guess i want to say right here and right now that i don’t foresee myself ever deleting my blog unannounced, so if it looks like i have, it is /probably/ tumblr’s doing. i have a lot of cool mutuals here that i’d like to keep in touch with after tumblr’s inevitable demise, so if we’re mutuals and you’d like to exchange contact info/other social media, feel free 2 ask at any time!!

as for other things in my life, i guess mostly i feel like if 2016 was the year of pokemon, then 2017 is the year of yugioh

i’ve been playing a LOT of ygo duel links, like A LOT, especially after i had my tumblr suspended. for a while, it was really emotionally draining a lot of the time, because a lot of REALLY horrible people like to hang out on the global chat feature, like honestly the worst kinds of people you can expect on an unmoderated chat in an online game, esp at this moment in history, and i tried dealing with it in ways that were maybe not so smart.

sidenote: for the pegasus event, i managed to get all of pegasus’s drops, but i was at 1.9mil points when the event ended...... i was SO CLOSE to getting the event-exclusive icon, but alas. oh well.

but it’s a fun game, and i got two of my friends to start playing it too. i’ve just been hanging out with my housemates a lot since i shut myself in during finals last semester, so one of them lives in my house, and the other lives across the street and is also in the frat that lives in this house.

i need to kind of back away from duel links for a little bit though, bc all of my characters are nearing lvl30 and soon i won’t have any sustainable way to get gems. so this might be me saying that i’ll try to be slightly more active on tumblr again?

i guess it’s kinda funny bc i sort of ended up living in this house as a last resort, and i stayed away from the people in it for most of last semester because i felt like i couldn’t REALLY be a part of them since i’m not in their frat, but they turned out to be really nice people with similar interests and politics to mine (as opposed to just politics, as is the case for the friends i’ve made elsewhere). one of them even told me yesterday that they value my presence here and that they don’t want me to feel like there should be anything keeping me away from rushing, which was really nice. they do a good job of making me feel included, and they show me physical affection, which i have been starved for. i guess i feel less on edge and more comfortable around these housemates than i have around any other friend group my entire time in college, which is nice and unexpected.

so yeah ANYWAY lmao i ended up being able to see ygo: dark side of dimensions on jan 28, the day after it came out!! i originally thought i’d have to take a bus to connecticut to see it, bc rhode island is too tiny and for a really long time the ticket website didn’t say that any theaters in massachusetts were showing it. i didn’t really want to go alone and, understandably, none of my friends were willing to catch a bus at 3am to see it in connecticut, so i made a tinder profile to see if i could find someone who was willing to go with me LMAO. i have a tinder now, is what i’m saying.

but it turned out that there WERE theaters in massachusetts showing it, bc one of my housemates, one that i haven’t even really gotten very close to, just randomly told me he was driving up there to see it with a mutual friend, who has never seen ygo lmao. so i tagged along, and i brought my housemate who also plays duel links, and I GOT TO SEE IT!!!! and it was only like a 30-45min drive, and i didn’t have to buy bus tickets, and i went with people i knew, so it was v miraculous lmao

i have mixed feelings lmao. i can make a post about it later, but idk what other people thought? I AM VERY HAPPY THAT RYOU GOT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT THOUGH

i’ve been watching some episodes of the gx dub with a few of my friends in this house, which has also been really fun. if another one gets the time, we’re gonna start the 5d’s dub together, which i’ve never seen. i also met another girl yesterday who is a mentee in the asian american mentoring program that i’m a mentor for, and she’s really into ygo too, so i’m gonna see if she wants to watch with us sometime. honestly this is kind of a dream come true; i’ve always wanted friends to watch ygo with...... i’ve always wanted yugibros LMAO

there are a couple things in my life that aren’t really going quite so well, too, i guess. i’m taking four seminars this semester, one for every day of the week from monday through thursday. it’s, like, sort of draining to have to sit in a single class for 2.5+ hrs, and they’re all very reading-heavy so i’m not sure if i’ll be able to keep up. i’m already falling behind in the thursday one, which is a requirement for me.

they’re all also in the late afternoon, so my sleep schedule right now is just fucked. the thursday one runs from 6:40pm to 9:10, which is just really fucking awful. i hate it. i don’t fall asleep until after the sun rises anymore. i’m pretty much nocturnal now. it’s kind of a big problem. i don’t even really feel like a person anymore, tbh.

this is a lot of text, but i feel like i had more to say. umm.

i have not yet watched s2 of voltron, so i currently have it blacklisted.

i finally FINALLY went to see hidden figures!!!!

and i went to go see the sailor moon r movie today with my two duel links friends lmao

so i guess the tl;dr version of all of this is that i’m in a pretty happy place socially this semester, and ygo has been VERY much on the mind, but i’m also, like, not very functional right now either

[inspirationallyinsane]

July 7 2018

Tumblr :) hi. I don't have much to write about. My life isn't too interesting really. But I'll try my best. Tomorrow should be an awesome day. I'm excited. I'm dropping my new song. I actually like it, I wasn't sure if it was going to turn out how I wanted it to but it did!!!! I think it's good. And I know that I will have ten million people tell me it's not as good as I think it is but you know what?? They can suck me. I like it. And I think that chocolate will like it ;) haha umm anyway. I haven't produced a new song in soooo long. It feels amazing. I forgot how it feels right after finishing a song. And you listen to it about a million times and you just. I made that!!! It's cool. I like creating. It makes me feel full. Even if it isn't perfect or what anyone wants it to be. It is mine. I'll post it on here and on my insta tomorrow. I also made my own cover art for this one because I had kinda a cool idea for it?? My mom thinks it is a bit too much and she is probably right but also? I don't care. It fits the song well. Lowkey scared someone is going to report it on insta tho. I don't show anything really so I don't know if it can be taken down. We shall see I guess :p Also!! Tomorrow I get to hang out with someone I haven't seen in a while. I'm looking forward to that. I think it's going to be a really funny thing. Life can be so crazy ya know?? Like you have to think, what if?? How weird. But uh, irregardless of what happens or whatever, it will be good to catch up and have a chat with an old (semi?) friend. I got a bunch of new clothes on the fourth of july. (most of) My fam went to the storage unit we have and I found these huge garbage sacks full of old clothes and I am so so happy. I found all of my dad's old shirts and they are so huge that I can wear them as dresses. I put a belt around the waist and they are adorable. My new fav outfits. They are also all collared and relatively long on me so I can wear them to work. It's lit. I found a lot of my old clothes from my early high school years too, which I got too fat for when I was a junior/senior but I can now fit into again. That's always exciting. And!!! My brother's old clothes from when he was a freshman which also fit me perfect. I love men's clothes. They're just better. I feel happier when I'm wearing men's stuff. It's nice. I was worried about finding room for everything in my apartment. Now that it is all clean and organized there is a part of me that really does not want any new stuff. I had to get rid of a lot of old stuff just to make everything fit as it was. But!! I got creative and cleaned out my kitchen cabinets which now are full of my new clothes, rather than old food. I didn't use them anyway. I always just buy the premade meals from Market of Choice. So. Whatever. Work is going well, but what is new?? I love my job. I say that a lot. We had this really annoying girl filling in/helping out over the last two weeks and admittedly it was nice to have another teller but I am so very very glad she is gone. Jesus. She would just start randomly yelling about nothing. In a bank. In the middle of the day. Completely sober. And also? She was pregnant, which is nbd to me, like good for you, you do you. But she drank a lot of coffee, like she was drinking coffee all day and I know you aren't supposed to when you are pregnant because it isn't good for the baby and she was so blasé about it. It made me really upset. I mean I never want to be pregnant, ever, never ever in one hundred thousand years, but! If I were?? I would do everything possible to make sure that everything is perfect for that child. Her doctor even told her to stop drinking coffee and she won't. It's just confusing to me. Especially since she wanted to have the baby. It's her second kid. Come on. Seeing uncaring parents makes me feel sad. I don't like it. Idk. And Ben, benadryl, my fav, is leaving soon. Which is going to suck ass for me. Honest to god he gets me through the day on Mondays and Fridays. He is one of the best people I have ever met. No lie. And he's just going to leave. What a fucko. But! Erika is (probably, hopefully) replacing him with another guy my age who she says is a lotttt like Ben. And maybe this Ben, Ben 2.0, will not have a girlfriend. That'd be rad af. Who knows really. And who cares. I like to complain that it is hard to meet people when I work so much or when I'm so focused on my own shit but that is not true. I get asked out all of the time. I could have ten boyfs right now if I so desired. But I don't. I think the real struggle is meeting someone who I actually like. It's one in a gd million out here. I am pretty hyped about the whole wife thing too rn which I know is super unhealthy but also?? Did y'all read my prose I wrote about her?? If that isn't the cutest shit in the whole entire world. I like to think that I will meet her and she'll never read that and then at our wedding I will read it to her and be like "I wrote this before I met you and I still feel every word of it" ya know??? Oml. Everyone would cry. It would be amazing. So romantic. I was actually talking to Ben the other day about this girl that I want to wife who comes into the bank on occasion. She is so cute and I know I will likely never ask her out (that is not true I think at some point she will do some cute shit, as she tends to do, and I will just do it but, nonetheless), and I was saying that I would write her poems that I'll never read to her and he was like !!! That's so romantic and yes!!!! It is. That is true af. I'm so romantic when it comes to girls. I think that I'm really into gender roles. And I know that isn't super popular nowadays but I just am. I like thinking about wifing a cute girl and I'd propose to her, and I'd go to work everyday and obviously, I'd be the one fucking her with my big purple strap on. Ya know?? And with a guy, I get to be romanced. I get to be proposed to and, well, I still wanna work but he would too. And I get to (have to?) be fucked. By his penis. Ya know?? That's how it goes. I like that to be how it goes. Idk. I'm not sure. I know I am sure about how I would like it to be with a girl but I guess I'm more open about relationship dynamics with guys? Who tf knows. I'm 19. I have time to figure it out. Perhaps. Anyway. I guess that is about all for now. I've been enjoying league a lot recently. I've played wayyy more this week than I usually do. It's an ARURF week. I have to. So. Imma go do that some more. Until next time Tumblr :)