#i’ll be back to posting on my blogs tomorrow or monday! i might do a starter call at some point too bc i wanna reach out to more of y’all! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

imagineabuttercream · 2 years ago

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Oli White's Secret

Everyone on tumblr knows that certain celebrities make anonymous tumblr accounts for personal use and to occasionally stalk their fans...and if you didn't know that already, you were about to find out.

You - Could my customers be any ruder?!?

You had finally finished your shift and gotten home from work and tumblr messaged the one person you were always looking forward to talking to. Working as a Barista in a coffee shop should be a job where you get to make people's days better, but you usually just ended up getting yelled at by uncaffeinated grumpy people.

Them (Oli) - Aww, I wish I was there to make your day better.

You - Don't worry, you always make my day better. Even though we live like 8 time zones apart.

Them (Oli) - Glad to hear it. I'd ask you about your day, but I'm assuming that wouldn't help your mood, lol.

You - Haha, you'd be correct. Though, it is Monday so I get to YouTube binge for a bit. I think Jack's new video has Oli and James in it and Oli has a video with Jack and Conor in it!! Double Oli videos today!

Them (Oli) -Go ahead, attend to your fangirling. I'm going to hop in the shower. I should be back by the time you're finished stalking British youtubers.

You - I feel so attacked. It's not like I'm you and actually live in the same city as them! Haha, I have to get my fix from afar!

Them (Oli) -Don't worry. I'm not judging your for your addiction. Enjoy your videos.

Oli didn't start his personal tumblr to stalk fans. The opposite, actually. He liked having a personal page where he followed blogs about writing and blogs about his favorite movies and bands. He wanted a space where he could be himself without actually being himself. He had found your tumblr because you often answered anon's asking for advice. It was more than half of what you posted. Oli had read through over 200 of the asks/replies on your page and had kind of instantly fallen in love with you. You were kind and smart and encouraging and so he messaged you telling you that he loved your page. You guys actually hit it off and now you talk almost every day.

You - I know I say this every time they're in a video together, but Oli and James have the cutest relationship. You - Like, he's going to make a great dad. You - I just know it. You - OMG hurry up! I'm out of videos!

Them (Oli)- You're obsessed.

You - Finally! You - And no I'm not! Youtube is my escape from my normal boring life.

Them (Oli) - I'm pretty sure you're obsessed.Them (Oli) - Plus, you aren't boring. Talking to you is the highlight of my day.

You - Actually, you are too. You - I'm so used to having people come to me for advice that I didn't really have anyone to go to before I met you.

Them (Oli) - Well I'm honored. I can only hope that my advice is half as good as yours.

Like most nights, you talked for about an hour. It was getting quite late in London, but Oli usually stayed up to talk. It had been almost a year since you guys became such close friends, but it had been almost 4 months since you had told him about your obsession with British youtuber Oli White and he had figured out that he now had a huge secret.

Them (Oli) - I think I'm going to fall asleep soon, love. I have to get up early tomorrow.

You - Of course, sorry I kept you up so late. You - OMG I almost forgot! I won tickets to Summer in The City and I think I have enough miles built up to buy a flight! You - Are you going??

Oli sat on his bed completely speechless. What was he going to do? He would have to lie and say he couldn't go or fess up and tell you that he was, in fact, the person you were hoping to meet.

Them (Oli) - I'm pretty sure I'm going.

You - You mean we might actually get to meet!?

Deciding he couldn't lie, he vowed to find a way to tell you soon.

Them (Oli) - Yes! I can't wait, actually. I hope I don't disappoint you. It's always weird meeting people you've never actually seen in person.

You - There's no way I'll be disappointed. I can't wait. Now get some sleep, buddy. <3 Talk to you tomorrow!

Them (Oli) - <3 Later, love.

It was worth the money, even if your miles didn't cover your plane ticket. You decided to book your flight and hotel room tonight. Confirming that both were good to go, you clicked back over to tumblr.

*Tumblr post* SUMMER IN THE CITY

Hey people, Y/n here! I have good news! *insert drum roll* I won tickets to Summer in The City! I cannot wait to visit London and meet a few youtubers. I know a few of you guys are going too, so make sure to message me so we can meet up! In case you guys are going to be there and want to find me, I'm adding a picture to the bottom of this post :) Don't judge me for my lack of make-up, I got home from work and got as comfy as possible. *post end*

Oli woke up the next morning and like most people, immediately checked social media. Nothing caught his attention until he opened tumblr and saw that you had actually posted a picture of yourself. Something you had never done before. And he couldn't believe the completely anonymous person he had fallen in love with was so beautiful. He was both excited and terrified at the same time. How was he going to tell you who he actually was?

He decided to send you an anonymous ask, asking for advice. You were who he went to for advice, so why not?

He waited all day for your response, checking his phone whenever he could get a second.

Anon : Hello, lovely. I am in a bit of a predicament. I am in love. I know the person I love at least likes me because she's told me that she does. I know, I know...what a problem to have. Here's the thing...She doesn't know I'm actually me. We met online, but I'm afraid that if she finds out that I've hidden this from her...Well I'm afraid she'll be mad and that she won't forgive me. I don't know what to do. Being able to actually be with her is worth the risk that she'll be mad, but thinking about losing her friendship because I messed up is killing me. This probably didn't make any sense. Hope you can help.

You had read this over and over. Words of encouragement usually came to you with no effort, but this one had you stuck.

You : Dear anon, This one is quite a doozy, isnt it?I always respond from the heart, so this will be no different. If I were you, I would prepare for them to be upset. Trust is a big deal and I think it would be totally understandable for them to be upset. On the other hand, if you already know they like you, then take the risk. Love is worth the risk. I'm sorry I haven't been much help. I wish you all the best. <3

Oli sat there reading your response over and over again. He was out to lunch with Joe and it was obvious he was distracted.

"Mate, what has you so upset?" Joe asked, concerned for his friend.

"It's nothing. " Oli replied, putting his phone down. "Gotta love girl problems."

"Oi, you've got girl problems? Share, buddy." Joe teased Oli.

Oli hesitated. "No, it's fine." He tried to act normal hoping Joe would stop asking, but when he looked up he was met with Joe's stare and raised eyebrows. "Fine. Dammit. I've been talking to a girl online but she doesn't know she's talking to me. We've been friends on tumblr for a year and I know that she likes Oli, she just doesnt know Oli is me. I'm pathetic and I messed up and now she's coming to SITC and she wants to meet me, but she also wants to meet Oli and I don't know what to do. I'm going to lose a great friend and miss out on love all in one fell swoop." Oli let his head fall.

"Damn." was all Joe said.

"Really? That's all you have to offer?" Oli asked, annoyed. "I bloody spill my guts and I get a 'damn.'"

"Hold on, you Randy. I'm just taking it all in. Don't lose your trousers." Joe reassured Oli. "What do you plan on doing?"

"I have to tell her. I just don't know if I do it online or when she's here." He replied.

"Mate, if you spring this on her when she's here she's going to flip. You have to tell her Asap. Give her time to process." Joe urged.

"I know, I know. I'll catch you later, buddy. I've got to try to fix this." Oli started walking back to his flat.

He sat there for over an hour trying to perfect his message.

Them (Oli) - I'm going to start this message with the words I love you and I'm sorry. I feel like I've broken your trust and I will do anything to make it right. My name is Oli White, I have a little brother named James, I have a few youtube channels, and I started this tumblr account to get away from being Oli White. I met you here on tumblr and I couldn't have been happier. It wasn't until a few months ago that I even knew you knew who Oli White was. I should have fessed up right then and there, but I was afraid I'd lose you as a friend and I didn't want to risk it. I don't even know how to start making this up to you. I want you to come to Summer in The City and I want to meet you because you've become one of my best friends and I'm pretty sure I've fallen completely in love with you. Please, please believe that I never meant to deceive you. I really hope you still come.

You sat staring at your computer screen, not knowing what to believe. If your friend was pranking you and actually thought this was funny, they weren't who you thought they were. If this really was Oli White and he let you fangirl to him about himself, you didn't know if you could ever face him. You didn't know if you were more angry or embarrassed.

You were leaving for SITC in two days and decided not to reply to the message at all. He knew what you looked like and he knew your name. If Oli or whoever you had become friends with wanted to talk to you, they could do it in person.

Oli was over at Joe's house helping him prepare for SITC and Joe could tell that he was still moping around. "Mate, she still hasn't replied?" He asked in a sympathetic voice.

"Nope. Not a single message. The only posts on her page are her responses to anons. She even deleted the one I sent. I really hope she's still coming. I have to be able to make it up to her." Oli replied.

"If she doesn't show up at your meet and greet, you should maybe plan a little speech or something for your panel. I've read some of the messages. She's either embarrassed or she doesn't believe you." Joe said.

"Yeah, I guess. I just wish I had told her right away." Oli sounded defeated.

You had stayed off of tumblr, for the most part, but you had noticed that Oli had tweeted multiple tweets sounding bummed out.*Why does your heart make you do stupid things?**Hey guys, no new video today. I'll make sure to post something soon.**Does anyone really want me to vlog SITC?* He just sounded very....not Oli. You wondered if it really was him that you had been talking to. Were you the reason Oli was in a funk?

Having just checked into your hotel, you pulled up your tumblr posting an update to your followers.

*TUMBLR POST* I'M HERE!

Hey guys, I MADE IT!!!

I'm heading straight out to mingle with everyone, so if anyone wants to meet up I'll be wearing the below outfit. Don't be shy! I can't wait to make friends. *END POST*

Oli saw your post and cheered, scaring everyone in the room with him. "YES! SHE CAME!"

"That's what she said." Jack joked, giving Oli a weird look.

"Wait, her? Like, HER her?" Joe asked.

"Indeed. Maybe I can win her back. " Oli replied, smiling for the first time in a few days.

You didn't go to Oli White's meet and greet. You couldn't get over being embarrassed every time you thought about everything you had messaged your online friend. You decided you could still hide in the audience for his panel, though.

"Everybody welcome Oli White to the stage!" the host announced.

"Hey guys! It's nice to see you all." Oli grabbed a mic and spoke, sitting down on the couch on stage.

"And we're glad to see you, Oli. How are you?" The host kept the interview going, occasionally bringing other youtubers on stage for games and challenges.

His interview was coming to an end and you felt really dumb. Oli seemed fine. Whoever you had been talking to online must have pranked you. It obviously wasn't Oli. You were even more upset that you had skipped his meet and greet.

"Anything else you want to add before we say goodbye?" The host asked Oli.

Oli's whole demeanor changed. He all of a sudden looked very nervous. He cleared his throat and spoke. "Actually, yes. I, umm. I have a confession."

"Oooh, spill." the host encouraged.

Oli stood and adjusted his clothes nervously. "Last year I met a wonderful person online. They were smart and witty and funny and kind and, um...Oh, god. I'm shaking. They basically became one of my best friends. I never told them who I was until about a week ago and I know that she's upset that I kind of lied. I didn't mean to be dishonest, I just didn't know how to tell her. I know that she's here this weekend and I hope that she's here in this room. Y/n, are you here?" the audience audibly gasped and started looking around for someone to stand up or reply.

You were shocked. You couldn't process what was happening. With eyes wide and your hand over your mouth, you slowly rose to your feet. Everyone's eyes were on you, when you heard the host speak.

"Is that your girl?" The host asked Oli.

Oli had a huge grin on his face. "That's her. Can you come up here?" Oli asked. "Please?"

Dropping your bag in your seat, you made your way to the stage. Oli speaking as you walked.

"This beautiful girl has let me vent and complain and obsess and never once did she make me feel bad about it. She always encouraged me and was patient with me." You finally reached the stage and he grabbed your hand and faced you. "She is perfect and I pray to God she forgives me." Oli put the mic back in the mic stand so you two could speak without the audience hearing you.

"Please tell me I can make it up to you?" Oli begged.

"You silly boy. Why didn't you just tell me it was you?" you had tears trying to escape your eyes, but you also had a big smile on your face.

"I don't know, love. I was scared and I messed up. Do I get another chance?" he asked, wiping away a few tears that had made their way down your cheek.

"I think I could give you another chance." you laughed, remembering you were on stage in front of a few thousand people.

"Don't pay them any mind, love. One more question?" Oli asked, looking straight into your eyes.

"Only one, and then we can stop being awkward in front of strangers." you teased. "Can I kiss you?" he placed his hand on your cheek, his cheeks turning bright red.

"I think that would be okay." you replied.

The whole audience stayed silent, gasping as Oli leaned in and captured your lips. That is, until Joe Sugg and the boys cheered from the back of the room "Yeah, Oli! Woooo!" and then the entire room joined in cheering.

"I've never had a panel end quite like that." The host added, joining in on the cheering.

You and Oli made your way back stage. "I'm so glad you showed up." Oli told you.

"Me too." you replied, leaning up to kiss Oli again.

You couldn't wait to log back into your tumblr and tell the story of your SITC adventure.

#oli white x reader #oli white fic #oli white imagine #oli white #the buttercream gang

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fluffy-critter · 6 months ago

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#crosspost #busybee

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shadowsong26fic · 2 years ago

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Coming Attractions!

I haven’t gone to bed yet so it still counts as Monday, lol. XD

Plug for my writing discord--it’s pretty quiet, but mostly intended to be a slightly more interactive version of this blog.

Also, open question night, though I can’t promise I’ll get to it before tomorrow ((I also still owe at least one prompt fill from a meme I reblogged like...a week ago...))

Anyway.

This is going to be short because I got very little done last month, whoops.

Star Wars:

- Not really much has changed from last month; still poking at Precipice!verse and possible ideas for next year’s SWBB. Pretty much everything else is on the back burner.

BSG:

- Didn’t get as much writing done as I’d hoped over the last month. But in order to Motivate myself, I’m going to shoot for a Halloween debut for The Other Battlestar, which means I need to finish. Like. Naming people. And come up with a title I actually like, lol...

- Maybe I’ll do some preview/etc. posts here as bonus content; giving some details about the fourish OCs who will end up playing major roles? To both keep me on task/motivated and hopefully pique some interest...we’ll see.

Castlevania:

- If I could just get this next chapter to cooperate, lol. There are so many things I want to get to! I just have to get past that...

Original Fic:

- I don’t think I wrote anything original this month, alas. Other than poking at things in my head, as one does. I did go to a library booksale, which reminded me that I have at least three half-planned projects that I need to finish researching (an alternate history where Henry VIII dies in 1536; a novel about Judas Iscariot; a novel about What If Mordred Was A Girl) so maybe I’ll see some movement on that front. For the stuff I already post on an origfic community on Dreamwidth, I really should. like. post something plot-advancing, shouldn’t I...

NaNo Plans:

I’m still figuring out exactly how I want to play it this year. And I think a lot of it depends on what I get done re: TOB and Incinctus and Protectors/Preludes over this month, because I might decide to just narrow my focus onto one of them. But most likely I’ll do what I’ve been doing the past few years, which is set myself a wordcount goal (which may or may not be greater than the 50k standard) but I can fill it with Any (fulltext) fiction writing (I think I decided outline/bullet-point form fics counted for 2/3 the wordcount when I did one during NaNo a couple years back? We’ll see if it’s relevant).

...and, yeah, I think that’s about it. Like I said, a short update...hopefully the next time I do this I’ll have more to report!

What are you guys working on?

#miscellania #coming attractions #shadowsong writes star wars #shadowsong writes castlevania #shadowsong writes bsg #shadowsong writes original fic #open question night

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mcsaiccfmusesa · 3 years ago

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so I’m just out here stuffing my queue... getting my drafts down... I’m in the fucking 60′s Y’ALL!!!!

I might even do some queueing on my other blogs tomorrow if I have some time--HOWEVER, I am going out of town this weekend. The queue will stay at its current speed of 8x per day but I will be absent until Sunday afternoon at least.

Monday will also be pretty busy. So--yea... fully expect my drafts to be a wreck again when I get home but--memes? anyone wanna send me memes?

full warning, I’ll have to be cutting back HARD on threads soon because of the school year starting. I won’t have to drop everything, just some things. And I’ll likely have my queue paused or greatly slowed for the last week before school starts while I front load drafts. So keep posted for that...

#ooc

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posi-writes · 4 years ago

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Let’s Forget About It, Please? KurooxReader

Okay. First real post on my actual primary writing blog. Because I finally have my life together. I finally decided to branch out from writing Oikawa because Kuroo wouldn’t leave my brain. I feel like this was a little all over the place but I like how it turned out anyways. I hope you enjoy as well. No content warnings.

Word Count: 1.1k-ish

You had your hands full. Quite literally. You had a stack of folders cradled in one arm, a cup of coffee in your other hand, and a pastry hanging from your mouth as you try to maneuver everything around to free one of your hands enough to get the door open. As you work on shuffling the files closer to your body in hopes they get pinned between your arm and body and don’t all fall to the floor, scattering papers everywhere, a hand cuts across your sight and grabs the handle that was previously plaguing you. You look up and are met with the smiling face of Kuroo Tetsurou.

“Allow me to help you out there.”

You nod, eternally grateful as he takes some of the files from your arms, allowing you to grab your pastry and offer him your gratitude in the form of words.

“My hero. I was starting to worry I would be stuck out here all day.”

He watches you pass by him as the two of you start your trek through the quiet halls. It was still pretty early and only a few other people had managed to make their way in to start their days. You and Kuroo were usually some of the first ones in, eager to get a head start on your work.

Kuroo takes note of the coffee cup in your hand.

“Coffee? That’s new…”

You stop abruptly and turn to face him, shoving the cup in his face.

“It’s for you actually.”

He blinks a few times, taken aback by your gift. When he doesn’t say anything or make a move to take it from you, you backtrack.

“I just thought--uh--I’m actually not sure what I thought--it is from that little cafe around the corner--you said you liked their coffee--once? I think? Or--is that weird? That’s weird, right? Oh crap, I made things totally awkward. I’m so sor--”

He cuts off your rambling when he clears his throat. If you didn’t know any better, you would say there is a light dusting of pink on his cheeks. It must have been your imagination though because when you look again, nothing is there but a smile. He reaches out and gently takes the cup from you and soothes your worries.

“I do like their coffee. Thank you.”

You smile brightly at him as you turn back around and resume your walk to your office.

“So do you have any plans for the weekend, Kuroo-san?”

He hums thoughtfully as he considers his answer.

“Nothing specific. Might just see where the day takes me.”

You sigh in response.

“Sounds pretty great actually. I’m honestly a little jealous. I think my weekend is pretty packed with things to do, people to see.”

He nods in understanding, while you continue.

“I was actually going to try and catch the Adlers game though. I promised Tobio-kun after all.”

You catch his expression brighten at that as he brings a hand up to his face, fingers cupping his chin, pondering his options. You can’t help but to watch in envy at how he manages the files he took from you earlier and the coffee with no problems.

“I forgot they were back home. Perhaps my day will take me there…”

The words leave your mouth before you even have a chance to think about it.

“We should go together. There is this new seafood restaurant near the arena that I wanted to try too.”

For the second time that morning, Kuroo is dumbstruck by your words. Your brain finally catches up as you process the dumb thing you just said. Way to overstep the unspoken professional boundary.

“I am really on a roll this morning, huh? Can we just pretend I never said that? Just forget about it? Please?”

You plead with him and he seems to take mercy on you as he chuckles.

“Sure thing.”

You thank every heavenly being you can think of in that moment because you have finally reached your office. Kuroo tucks the files he was holding for you back into your arms, pausing a moment to make sure you had everything under control before he heads off in the other direction, throwing a wave and some encouraging words over his shoulder.

“Knock ‘em dead today.”

A bashful smile makes its way onto your face before you can help it, glad he has his back to you as you set everything down and start sorting them into piles.

The day is finally winding down as you sit back in your chair and stretch your sore, tired muscles. You look around proudly at all the work you got done today, feeling good about going into the weekend free from thoughts of work and what you have waiting for you come Monday morning when you start it all over again.

As you are gathering up your belongings, a soft knock on your door frame catches your attention. You catch sight of Kuroo standing in the doorway.

“What’s going on, Kuroo-san? Did you need something from me?”

He nods, appearing solemn. You start to worry as you mentally run through the paperwork you completed today, trying to remember if you were forgetting something.

“Well, I was thinking about it and I don’t think I can forget about it.”

Confusion must be evident on your face because a smirk makes its way onto his face.

“I don’t think I can pretend you never talked about watching what will likely be a very exciting volleyball game and what may be a delicious dinner. With little ol’ me of all people.”

Words fail you and a heavy flush takes over your skin as you remember your conversation from that very morning. You gape at him as he continues.

“So, if it is all the same to you, I would love to accompany you on your weekend adventure.”

You stammer out some incoherent sounds. He takes that as an affirmative response.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow? Around noon? We can go to the station together.”

You nod, still not sure if you really knew what was happening.

“Perfect. I’m looking forward to it.”

He spun on his heel, looking proud of himself. Before he got too far though, you managed to collect yourself, refusing to let him have the last word. You call after him before he gets too far away.

“It’s a date.”

You let your head fall to your desk as you try to steady your breathing so you miss the redness that creeps up the back of his neck to his ears at your words. Smiles find their way onto both of your faces. Looking forward to it indeed.

#kuroo x reader #kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo tetsurou #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x y/n

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oh-my-may · 5 years ago

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City Lights - Spiderman! Jeno

Okay so I wrote this in 2018 back when I mainly wrote for kpop on this blog and I found this in my drafts... I read through it and honestly it was a little too good for me not to post it, I couldn’t just let it rot without anyone ever seeing it... So here you go. Also I’m a sucker for both lee jeno and Spiderman, so it is no wonder I wrote this and poured my everything into it back then :D Enjoy!

genre: friends to lovers, fluff? A little bit of action, I guess

pairing: Lee Jeno (NCT) x fem! reader

warnings: mentions of violence, bruises etc., sexual assault (kinda, not too much though)

word count: 5.7K

The same people, the same classes, the same routine, the same city. Everything was just how it always used to be. You didn’t complain, though, it was fine. You just wished there was a little more excitement in the big city of New York that everyone knew.

And so you looked out of the window, bored to death, as your math teacher was writing exercises on the black board. It was not like you hated math, it was rather that math seemed to hate you. You were seriously trying your best but you and mathematics were just an impossible pairing.

„Hey, need help?“, Lee Jeno’s voice carried through your thoughts and awoke your from your daydreams about adventures and action.

„I was just dreaming, but yeah, please.“, you pleaded and Jeno gave you his all too famous smile.

Jeno was your savior. At least when it came to math. Whenever you looked especially clueless in class he made it his task to whisper some answers or important formulas you might need. He has quite the good memory when it came to stuff like that. Other than that, you usually didn‘t hang with him. He has his small group of friends and they sometimes go out together but they usually keep to themselves. However, everyone swooned over Lee Jeno because he was a sports ace and one of the schools most important basketball players. He also had this smile, where his eyes turn into crescends and everything else around him suddenly seemed unimportant when he gave you that smile. The only thing that made him seem odd occasionally was his particular liking of repairing and fixing things, or in general just doing things with his hands. He was often found in the art class room after school where he worked on whatever project.

But generally, Jeno Lee had everyone wrapped around his fingers, even if he didn’t notice that. And it was not a big deal at all because he was not an annoying guy or one of those bad boys or a class clown. Lee Jeno was just horribly normal and you loved and hated him for it, because this school was filled with enough of weird kids.

At lunch you sat with your friends, like you always did, right next to the table of Jeno and his friends. Your friends were talking about the usual – dumb homework, weird teachers, the latest school gossip – as you just listened to them while eating your sanwich and salad. But then one of them got a notification on her phone and it was a news article on the crime rate of the city and how it apparently increased heavily.

„Honestly, this is horrible. They write that the police is totally overstrained because they don’t have enough men.“, she explained after reading the article. Suddenly everyone turned serious and quiet, a worried expression was plastered on everyone’s face.

„They only seem to focus on the big crimes and important accidents such as big car accidents or bank robbery while the rate of sexual assaults and rapes literally doubled over the last year.“, one of your friends added, looking around the cafeteria.

„Honestly, none of us should go around the city after dark. At least not alone. It seems to be far too dangerous.“, you said, putting your sandwich back on your plate, suddenly not hungry anymore. This is not what you wanted when you asked for more action in this city.

Your friends agreed and then fell into a heated conversation on superheroes and solutions while you kind of clinked yourself out of the conversation and got lost in your thoughts again, your gaze lazily wandering around the room.

That however stopped when your eyes landed on Jeno. Just like you, he didn’t seem to have a lot of interest in his friends‘ conversation and instead looked over to your table. Maybe you were wrong but it seemed like he was listening to your conversation and he probably has for a while now. But then Jaemin, one his friends, ruffled his hair and motioned for Jeno to get up and follow him as everyone was now leaving their table. You just sighed quietly, trying to find back into the conversation of your friends.

The next day, you were alone in math. Jeno didn’t sit in his usual spot behind you, nor did he sit anywhere in class. His friend Renjun told the teacher that Jeno didn’t feel well and therefore stayed home sick today.

It was okay. It was just that now you needed to pay attention to the teachers words as you had no Jeno who would tell you tasks you might have missed. You still stunk at math, but you figured maybe you’d get better if you actually paid attention from now on. Especially now, in your senior year, you kind of felt the need to pay attention and be a good student. And so your tried your best.

Excited about telling Jeno about your recent realization, you happily walked into class the next day just to see that he wasn’t here today, either. You nodded slowly as you thought that maybe Jeno was actually sick, even though he never seemed to miss one single lesson. It was weird; you never once remembered Jeno to be sick at all, he was always there, sitting on the desk behind you, making small talk with your or telling you dumb jokes.

On the fourth day, you began to worry. Jeno was still sick at home, at least that was what Renjun kept on telling the teacher. And she was just nodding and smiling at him, asking if Jeno will be alright soon and come back. Of course she also had a weak spot for him, he was one of her best students. The only one that honestly seemed to be annoyed by Jenos absence was the coach, who desperately asked Jaemin every lesson when Jeno will come back and if he’ll make it to the game on the weekend. Jaemin always just ends up stuttering that he doesn’t know, because the coach always grabs his collar and presses him to the wall while talking to him, then releases him.

Today you decided to sit down in the gym and watch the teams practice as you had a free period. Again, the coach was asking around if anyone has seen Jeno today. Still, not a single sign of a comeback. It was the Friday before the match and the coach seemed even more stressed than before. He threatened Jenos friends, Jaemin, Chenle and Haechan who all were in the team as well – with a raised index finger. „Tell Jeno that if he isn’t here tomorrow I’ll raise hell for the whole team. No one stays home sick for a whole goddamn week!“ The boys just nodded quickly and then got back to playing. You closed your textbook and watched them practice. Maybe you’ll attend your first ever High School basketball match tomorrow, you thought.

Unfortunately, you couldn’t. Your mom had the genius idea of making you look after your younger siblings as she and your dad went out to eat. It was horrible. Your friends didn’t even answer your texts. After your parents arrived again, you instantly took the next bus and ran into the gym, only to be greeted by the leaving masses.

„Y/N!“, your best friend shouted as she saw you. She instanty grabbed your wrist and you followed the people that were now going outisde.

„How was the match?“, you asked as it was the question that burned your tongue the most.

„I guess it was okay.“, she simply replied while trying to watch over the heads of the people. „How can I know, I don’t understand anything about basketball. Jeno was there, however. Apparently Coach Johnsons threat worked. But he wasn’t in a good condition at all, Y/N.“, she then said in a serious tone.

„What do you mean ‚he wasn’t in a good condition‘?“ The cold air of the evening was hitting your face as you went through the door that led to the parking lot of the school.

She turned to you, frowning. „He wasn’t concentrated on the game at all. He also looked horrible, there were scratches and bruises all over his face. It was obvious that he had tried to cover them but not with a lot of success. I mean, it did look hot but like – I don’t know why he stayed home all week but it definetely wasn’t because of a fever or the flu or whatever.“, she sighed, a concerned look in her eyes as she looked around the parking lot. „My brother’s picking me up, you can drive with us.“

You spent the whole weekend at home as your parents said it would be more safe for you. You didn’t complain, though, you had a lot to think about. You also had homework for math and for the first time in forever you considered actually doing them.

But you also had a little hope. When Jeno was back for the match he’ll probably also be back in school, right?

And you were right. The next Monday Jeno was sitting on his seat behind yours. However, you weren’t greeted by his bright smile and a soft ‚Good Morning‘. Instead, there was silence and the dark blue hood of his sweatshirt that was pulled deeply into his face. Still, you could see some bright red scratches on his chin.

For the quiet ‚Hey‘ you gave him you got a murmured ‚Hi‘ back. The teacher seemed happy to have Jeno back and she celebrated it with a suprise test that just got her groans from her students. This time though, Jeno didn’t bother to help you. It was not like you needed it since it was about stuff you did last week but still, it would have been nice to hear his voice. But he remained quiet. After class ended, Jeno was the first one to leave, which was even more unusual behaviour of his.

At lunch, Jeno wasn’t sitting with his friends. They were alone and you took your chance to talk to them. „Hey, Jaemin.“, you asked and the brown haired boy quickly turned his head to you.

„Y/N, right?“

„Yes. I was just wondering where Jeno is? And why he left class so fast? I wanted to talk to him about some of the exercises we did in math today.“ That was a lie. Well, not exactly a lie but also not completely the truth.

„I think he’s crafting again. He’s been like that the whole day, I think he’s just busy.“, he answered and you could see that he said the truth.

„You should go and ask him yourself some time, Y/N. He doesn’t really tell us the truth, either.“, Renjun threw into the conversation and smiled at you a little. You nodded, focusing on your food again. You thought that it would be best to visit Jeno in the art classroom after school, if he was still there.

You waited a few minutes before you headed down the hallways to the art classroom. Most students had already left school when you passed lockers and the last jocks that went to practice on your way. Much to your surprise the classroom was unlocked and the door was even opened a little. You got a glimpse of Jeno hovering over a table, trying to repair something small, as it seemed.

„Hey, Jeno.“, you said as you opened the door a little more and stepped into the room.

Jeno flinched the second you did so, instantly clearing away everything from the table with a wide movement of his arm, hiding the thing he worked on behind his back whilst he turned around. „Y/N!“

You seemed to have truly surprised him, as his expression told you exactly this. Without the hood covering his face and in exposure of the daylight shining through the windows you could actually see all the bruises on his face now. There was one on his right cheek bone and another one above his left eyebrow, a big scratch on his left cheek and a ton of tiny grazes all over his chin and forehead and it almost seemed like he had a healing black eye.

You gulped and whispered a small „Oh my god.“ while Jeno quickly put on the hood again. „How can I help you?“, he asked and then cleared his throat. You tried to read anything in his expression but even if Jeno was trying to hide something, he was defintely good at covering it. The only thing that was different was that he didn’t smile as much, which broke your heart a little more than you wanted to admit.

„I just …“, you stopped for a second, before letting your coverage fall. „I just wanted to check if you’re okay, you seemed a bit off the whole day.“, you confessed as you nervously folded your hands in front of your body.

„That’s very cute of you but … uh ... I’m fine, really. No need to worry.“ The words he said however didn’t convey his body language as the corners of his mouth twitched nervously and his hands were shaking.

„Really? These bruises seem to be quite bad, if you ask me.“, you tried again.

He unconsciously raised his hand up to one of the bruises but then quickly let it fall again. „Oh, those? Last week I got into a really bad street fight and it was honestly not nice, that’s why I needed some time to recover. However, I’m feeling better now, really. I guess it just looks worse than it is.“

You nodded, realizing that he won’t tell you the truth now. „You know … You missed a lot in math last week. Maybe I could explain the subject matter of last week to you when you’re free?“, you then offered, trying to give him a little smile.

He replied with one himself and made your heart jump with it. „That’d actually be quite nice. I totally failed that test today to be honest.“, he said, brushing his hand hrough his hair.

„Cool, then … When are you free?“

„Tomorrow after school? Like … 4pm I’d say?“, he suggested, scratching his neck .

You smiled to yourself at this action that you occasionally saw on him. He looked really cute doing it. „Yeah, 4pm sounds perfectly fine.“

The next day, Jeno left school after math. The whole lesson he seemed a little impatient, he constantly kept rocking his chair und you felt his feet nervously tap on your chair. He almost managed to make you nervous too and you wanted to ask Jeno about what was wrong but he instantly raced out of the classroom after the bell rang and after he didn’t attend any class, as your friend told you.

You almost saw your ‚date‘ in danger, but you still left home at 3.30 pm to be at Jenos‘ on time. You weren’t even sure if it was a date – actually it was just you helping him catch up with math – but you were alone with Jeno and that idea kinda made your stomach turn in excitement. Right now, you didn’t want to think that maybe Jeno just saw the girl in his math class in you.

Quickly after you knocked you were greeted by a middle-aged woman with black hair that was held in a lazy bun. A hand towel in her hand was busy drying a saucepan. She was smiling softly at the sight of you. „Hi, how can I help you?“

You pressed the books you held in front of your body a little tighter to your chest. „Hi, I’m Y/N. Jeno invited me over to catch up on math.“

The woman quickly raised an eyebrow and let both of her hands sink. „Well, I’m May, Jenos‘ aunt. Unfortunately he left 30 minutes ago but I’m sure he’ll be back soon, don’t worry. Please come in.“ She stepped aside to let you walk in.

„His room is upstairs, the last room in the hallway, you can wait there. Do you need anything? Cookies, tea?“

A little swamped with her hospitality you stuttered out „Tea would be nice, thank you.“

You waited in the kitchen until the tea was ready and then went upstairs, following Aunt Mays instructions.

Jenos room was quite messy but you didn’t expect less. You awkwardly sat down on his bed, the only clear space you could find. You dropped your bag onto the floor and put the cup of tea on the nightstand. You really were not the type to snoop around but there literally was a big wall right in front of you on which a hundred pictures and documents were pinned. There were pictures of different kinds of spiders and then spider bites and a lot of old documents from like 10 years ago. All of them were written by or adressed to a man whom you could only identify as Jenos dad. In between all those pictures you found pieces of different fabrics pinned on the wall as well and then there was red string in between, connecting different pictures and notes he wrote himself. You didn’t understand any of what was written on there but before you could get to at least trying to understand it, there was a loud noise coming from the window. It almost sounded like something dropped onto the fire escape outside of the window, so you went to check. But nothing was there, just a cat that was walking around in the inner courtyard and surely didn’t just jump from the roof.

„Y/N!“ Jeno opened the door and walked in the room. „I’m so sorry I forgot about our little math date, Mark needed my help with something.“, he explained breathlessly.

You nodded, still in surprise over his sudden appearance. „It’s okay, really.“, you said, sitting back down on the bed. You discovered new bruises on his face and pressed your lips together at the sight of it.

„I hope you didn’t had to wait too long.“ He kept on talking as he quickly took off his hoodie and dropped it to the floor. He walked over to what looked like the cupboard and opened it, searching for something else to wear. However the mirror that made out one side of the cupboard showed you that Jenos‘ shirt had several blood stains on it. You instantly got up and walked towards him, a more than worried expression covering your face. „Jeno, oh my god that … That looks horrible, someone needs to take care of that.“

Jeno held a new hoodie in his hand, his arms trying to cover his chest in defense. „No, Y/N, I’m fine, I swear- “

„Jeno no, don’t lie. Look at that, that’s fresh blood. What the hell happened?“ You stood in the middle of the room, hands fiddling nervously.

Jeno just shook his head in denial, not sure where he should lay his eyes on. „Y/N, really.“ He took a step into your direction and took your shaking hands in his. „I’m fine.“ His eyes found yours and fixated you, calmed you down. They were like a deep hole you fell into, like one of the rare nights where you sat on the rooftop and looked up into the night sky with a thousand stars shining down.

„Jeno, please.“, you begged in a desperate tone. „I won’t leave before you go to the hospital to let those check. Or at least let me look at them please. I know how to do that, my younger brother constantly needs someone to tend to his wounds.“

Jeno sighed, taking his hands down and letting yours go. „You really won’t give up, will you?“, he then chuckled, looking into the distance. „Okay, you do it then. I don’t have time for the hospital.“

Much to your relief Jeno just rolled up his shirt instead of completely taking it off. However, the deep cut totally distracted you from the fact that Jeno was leaning half-naked in front of you.

You just constantly shook your head and murmured words of disbelief as you treated the wound. Jeno just flinched a few times, not saying a word the whole time. His head was leaned back the whole time and his eyes were closed, his hands resting crossed on his chest. You were almost sure he had fallen asleep and were about to leave, until he called you back. „Wait, please.“

When you turned around you saw that Jeno was looking at you with his head tilted in your direction and just one eye opened. „You forgot about math.“

You almost bursted out laughing at this normal question. „Okay.“, you nodded, sitting down on the desk chair, taking the notes out of your bag. You started talking about the subject matter while looking on your notes, but Jeno stretched out a hand and touched your knee. Surprised at the sudden touch you stopped, looking at him. There was a small smile on Jenos lips as he looked at you. „How can you tell me about this without me looking at the notes? Come closer, I won’t bite. Promise.“ Then he laughed for an unknown reason and you hesitantly rolled closer to the bed. So close that he felt your breath on his cheek and it would have been easy for yu to just lean on his shoulder while both of your hands were holding onto the notes.

It was actually quite realxing talking to him like that, even though you occasionally felt his gaze burn on your skin and his breath on your cheek and his hand that brushed yours - But then you were through with your notes and you left them on his totally overfilled desk before you got up to head home.

Jeno stood up as you did, watching your every move. „Thanks.“

„Hm?“

„Thank you. Thanks for not asking quastions and for treating the wound and explaining math to me, it helped me a lot. I mean it.“ His eyes told you the truth for once, but you were sure he was hiding a lot more in them. He just wasn’t willing to talk now.

You nodded slowly, a smile creeping up on your face. „No problem. It was a pleasure.“

Jeno laughed and handed you your bag, stepping a little closer to you. „Don’t forget that.“, he murmured. You suddenly realized how close he was and everything in your body began to tingle and burn in a sensational way you’ve never felt before. The excitement rushed through your whole body, pumping adrenaline into your veins in high expectation of what was about to happen. You felt your lips brush his and closed your eyes because the feeling was just way too good to be real, but your lips didn’t touch his again.

Jeno pulled back quickly, running his hands through his hair in a chaotic and confused manner. „I’m – I’m so sorry, Y/N, I just really can’t do this. Not now. Please believe me when I say that this is for your own good. I really like you it’s just that … Not at this time, okay? It’s better if you leave now. Again, I’m so sorry Y/N.“ And with that your turned and left, paralyzed by what just happened.

On the subway home you got a message in the groupchat of your friends – one of them had shared a link to an online article on ‚Spiderman – The man who saves our city?‘

With a raised eyebrow you leaned your head against the window and opened the article, suddenly curious as to what it’s about.

Apparently Spiderman was a superhero who swung through the city with something that remdinded people of spiderwebs. It was also his suit who resembled this feature. On a picture that was taken by the journalist who wrote this article you saw someone swinging from one building to the other on an almost invisible string. The suit he wore was completely blue and red and the mask covered his entire face, not giving a glimpse of the person wearing it. According to the article Spiderman supports the police by saving women from sexual assaults as well as he helped catch criminals. You smiled a little as you finished reading, thinking that someone finally heard your calls for some action and adventure.

You got off the sub and walked upstairs just to realize that it was already pretty dark out. Quitely cursing you thought of the fastest way home, which led you through several narrow alleys. You sighed in defeat as you started to walk home quickly. Even if there now was a superhero in this city, you still were sure he couldn’t look over everyone every single minute.

A reliefed sigh escaped your lips as you arrived in the last dark alley without any incidents. You actually liked the darkness, but you preferred it when you were at home, sitting in front you window rather than walking through narrow streets.

You were just about to turn right when suddenly two men in their late twenties appeared right in front of you, slowly walking up to you. You gulped, stumbling backwards as you were hastily searching for something sharp in your bag. You thought that you needed at least something to defend yourself with. Unfortunately though, you couldn’t find anything.

„Hey sweetie.“ „Want some fun?“

You began to shake uncontrollablyas you felt as helpless as never before. A whimper left your mouth as one of them pushed you against the wall and laughed. Both of them held your trapped between them and the wall as they held your wrists so tight that it hurt. One of them laughed in your ear and you could smell a wave of alcohol that came from his mouth.

„Hey, what’s wrong with you guys?“

A voice from behind them suddenly caught their attention as they turned around. All you could see was someone standing there, clothed in something red and blue.

„Don’t have anything better to do than harass innocent girls, or what?“ The guy continued to mock them, earning unpleased growls from both men. They finally let go of your hands, but still took your view of your savior.

„Who are you?“, one of them asked, voice lurring from alcohol.

„Me? Oh, no one special. I’m who they call the Spiderman.“

You instantly felt relief in your body as you raised your eyebrows to see more. Just a second after both men gave weird noises from them as their hands were stuck to the wall with something that looked like spiderwebs. Spiderman motioned for you to walk to him and so you did, stumbling over the mens feet. Then you saw that their mouths were covered with the spiderwebs as well and you had to smile a little.

For a moment you just stood there in shock of what had just happened – or what almost could have happened.

„Hey are you … are you alright?“ Spiderman suddenly turned to you, waving one of his hands in front of your face.

You nodded slowly. „Yes, I guess so. Thank you, really. So much.“ You tried to give him a smile.

„It’s my job to save beautiful girls like you.“, Spiderman said, bowing. You blushed, not sure how to show him how grateful you where.

„Thanks, but seriously … I …“, overwhelmed by your feelings you quickly wrapped your arms around the superhero, mumbling a „Thank you“ into his chest, before quickly turning around and walking home, too shy to turn around again.

But Spiderman stayed there for a while before making sure that you got home safely, following your every move from the rooftops of NYC.

Your mom decided that it would be best for you to say home the next day after your experience. Not that you’d mind, though. A day off seemed to be exactly what you needed after everything that happened the day before at Jenos‘.

In the evening you sat at your desk, trying to concentrate on writing an essay for school. However, the words didn’t want to flow like they usually do, so you were welcoming everything that gave you an excuse for not writing. For example your friends who wouldn’t want to shut up about the fact that you met Spiderman and he literally saved you from sexual assault. Or the knocking on your window that almost made you drop your phone by accident.

You got up, checking what it was. As you opened your window and sat on the window-sill you saw how someone bent down to pick up new stones. „Hello?“

„Y/N!“

„Jeno? What are you doing here?“, you whisper-shouted at him, leaning far out the window.

„I was worried because you weren’t in school today. I also brought Pizza and Ice Cream and math homework.“ Jeno held up a basket, in which the said foods were placed in.

You giggled, hiding your face behind one hand. „I’ll open the front door for you, just wait a minute.“

„No! There’s no need for that.“, he explained, before grinning and then climbing up the house, using pipes and and the balcony as support. And before you could even blink, he stood right in front of you, still smiling.

„How did you do that?“, you said, still in utter shock of what he just did.

„Just like that.“, he chuckled and then shrugged, placing the basket on your desk. „Can we … Can we talk?“ The dark blue hoodie he wore was a big contrast to his pale skin and the healing red wounds on his handsome face.

„Of course Jeno. You even brought food.“, you smiled as you sat down on your bed.

„Maybe not here. Is there a way to get up on the roof of this building?“, he asked, looking around your room.

„Yeah sure, but I won’t climb the facade if that’s alright.“

It was a relatively lukewarm night for the fact that it was october. You both sat on a picnic blanket as you were munching on the pizza and later on the ice cream – you wondered how Jeno got both of it in your favorite type/flavor.

Turns out Jeno actually wanted to talk not only about math but also the happenings of the night before. After every tiny piece of Pizza and every scoop of Ice cream were exterminated, Jeno walked up to the railing and leaned against it, watching how the night slowly lay across the city. After a moment you followed him as he held his hand out for you to take. He pulled your forwards with so much power that you almost fell over. However he managed to prevent that.

„Sorry. Sometimes I have trouble controlling my strength.“, he quitely confessed.

„Oh really?“, you asked a little too high-pitched as your heart was still beating in your throat from all the adrenaline.

He just chuckled and then shook his head, making his fluffy hair float around for a second. You giggled and then everything got silent for a few minutes as you both enjoyed the night view of New York.

„This is beautiful.“, you then murmured, mesmerized by the beauty.

„Indeed. I love New York at dawn so much. I try to watch the sunset as often as I can.“, he agreed, looking over at you with that look in his eyes that had you freeze on the spot.

After that the conversation turned and you kind of talked about everything and nothing at the same time, laughing about stupid jokes and stories and then talking about your wishes and hopes for the future.

„Now tell me … Why were you not in school today? Were you not feeling well?“

You sighed, brushing a hand through your hair. „Well, kinda. My mom thought it would be best for me to stay home for a day after yesterday I almost got into a sexual harassment.“ When Jeno immediately turned his head to you, you shook yours. „No need to worry, a superhero called Spiderman had my back and saved me from anything bad that could have happened.“ A small smile formed on your lips at the memory of the young man in a red and blue suit.

Jeno laughed. „Spiderman? Who’s that? Sounds ridiculous, like a wannabe.“

„No! No no! He’s really cool! And he has those … strings that are like spiderwebs and … Wait, I’ll show you an article on my phone.“ You turned to get it as it was still laying on the blanket, but before you got even close to it, Jeno turned around and you felt something sticking on your back before you got twirled through the air and landed in Jenos arms, who just grinned widely. With widened eyes you looked down just to see one of these strings hanging on your body – Jeno had pulled you towards him with it.

„It … I …“, you stuttered as realization began to hit you. „Oh my god, it’s you! You are Spiderman! You are the guy with the spiderwebs and the suit!“, you laughed, feeling dumb and oblivious that you didn’t realize it before. „And all the wounds and bruises and scratches that -“

Jeno cut you off by laughing himself and then pressing his lips to yours, first a little powerful but then he got gentle and wrapped one of his arms around your waist as the other lovingly caressed your cheek. You stayed like that for a while, both smiling into the kiss at times, melting in each others arms.

Then you heard a rustling and just seconds later the police radio Jeno had went off and announced something about a fugutive prisoner.

„I’m so sorry, Y/N, really. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.“, he apologized a million times as he slowly let go of you and put on the mask you’ve seen before. „I really am, Y/N, please believe me.“ His voice was now more muffled but you could still recognize it. You sighed a little desperate before leaning in once more to place a small kiss on his fabric covered cheek. „Good luck with saving the city, Jeno Lee.“

And then he jumped over the railing into the City Lights and all you could see was his silhouette swinging through the busy streets of Queens as the darkness lingered over the city.

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imagineredwood · 4 years ago

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A couple of quick announcements 📢

I’m planning on moving El Destino chapter updates to Friday’s. I’m going back to scheduled shifts starting tomorrow instead of PRN (meaning randomly working when needed) so I’ll be working Monday through Thursday night shifts. That being said, I don’t want to have updates during the week like I have done on Wednesdays since I don’t want to have to rush or feel bad if I don’t have the time/energy. So since this is my first week back, I’ll see what works best. Im hoping to do it on Fridays but I might change it to Saturday or Sunday depending on how things work. I will let you guys know as soon as I decide

I’m hoping that I’ll be able to write a little during the week doing HCs, answers asks, just talking with y’all, etc. then Friday through Monday afternoon I’ll be able to post what I’ve written and upload actual drabbles or requests. If I get requested stories and drabbles done during the week then I’ll post them but I might not be able to every day.

Since I’ll be doing night shift again, I’ll be up all night so just like we had done a while back, I’ll be somewhat available to answer quick questions or just chat with y’all if you can’t sleep or it’s daytime where you’re at, etc. if its a crazy shift, obviously I may not get around to it, but I’ll try when I can

That’s all I can think of right now but I’ll keep y’all up to date if anything else changes!

As always, thank y’all for the love and support, thank you for reading my work, thank you for sticking around for as long as you have. We made FIVE years on this blog and it feels like just yesterday I decided to take the leap and see if a few people would be willing to read and enjoy my work. Now we’re almost at 9k 😭❤️ But I just wanted to let y’all know that even though things may be changing around here again, ya girl isn’t going ✨anywhere ✨ She just may be a little slower than I already am. Being a writing nurse ain’t easy lol But I’m gonna make it work!

Anyways, I love y’all 💋

#announcements

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makinglifebetter · 3 years ago

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Hi. Hello. And welcome.

This blog will be about changes I need to make in my life. Below the cut *points to the 'keep reading' below* I'll explain in more detail.

If you don't want to read about the changes I'll be making, you can check out my TikTok and see them in action.

When I opened my TikTok account over a year ago, it was just so I could follow my favorite creators. But over the past several months, it has become clear that I need to make some major changes in my life. I need to be held accountable to make, and stick with, those changes. And what better way, than by putting it all out there for complete strangers to see?

I don't expect anyone to like or follow, this is one hundred percent for me. So, please, do not feel obligated to like or follow.

On to the reason for these changes.

I always say that I've always been overweight, but that's just not true. I have pictures of myself where I am a normal weight. I didn't actually start putting on the pounds until two things happened: 1) I hit puberty (or rather it hit me) and 2) I was diagnosed as having scoliosis.

I was told that my curvature was just a couple of degrees shy of needing surgery but was low enough on my spine to not need the brace that went up my neck (I remember looking at the x-ray and wondering how I wasn't a hunchback).

I was required to wear the brace twenty-three hours a day. That included gym class and bathing (according to my mother). It was incredibly uncomfortable and I hated the way it was obvious I was wearing it.

I became an introvert because of it.

My weight has fluctuated over the years, as most overweight people's weight has. When I graduated from high school, I was at my lowest. Several years ago I found out I was at my highest.

February 14, 2020, started as any other day. But when I got up to get ready for work, the room spun a bit. I suffer from vertigo so thought nothing of it. Until I was standing at the sink, brushing my teeth. The attack was so bad, I was clutching the counter to keep from falling down.

I texted my boss (luckily she also suffers from vertigo). She told me to rest and feel better.

As the day went on, I started to cough and I knew that meant I was getting my yearly cold. Now, I rarely get sick the same time every year. I usually get sick between September and December with November being the month I get sick the most often. I had my yearly cold in February of 2015 and it turned into pneumonia (the week I moved into this apartment). One memorable year, I had it the week of my birthday. In July.

I cannot remember if I told my mother and daughter I was calling off sick. But the next day, my mother called me. As soon as I answered she told me to call the doctor and she would take me.

While there, they became concerned about my blood pressure. They were afraid I would either have a heart attack or stroke out. So, they sent us to the emergency room.

While at the clinic, they did a rapid strep and a rapid flu test. Both came back negative.

At the hospital, they did the tests again. The nurse that did the swab, shoved it so roughly down my throat, I threw up all over myself.

Those tests also came back negative.

My mother says they told her I had the flu but none of my paperwork says that. Sepsis is all over my paperwork, but other than the negative flu test, it's not mentioned. I think I might have had COVID but since I got on broad-spectrum antibiotics early, it wasn't able to truly infect me.

They admitted me and began treating me for high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. And something about my good cholesterol being too low?

I felt fine until early evening on Sunday. I'm not sure what time I fell asleep, but it was early. I think I woke briefly Monday morning and moved from the bed to the chair. But then I slept all of Monday. Or rather, I couldn't open my eyes and interact with the doctors and nurses. Until late afternoon. I woke up, my mother convinced me to order something to eat (I ordered toast and ate half of one slice), and then I was asleep again a little after seven (I know based on what was on the TV at the time).

Tuesday I was fine. It was like nothing had happened the day before. In fact, they discharged me that evening.

While in the hospital, I lost thirty pounds. Then lost another nine pounds over the next few months. But then I put some back on. I am currently (as of 7/15/21) four pounds heavier than when I left the hospital in February of 2020 which, considering how I eat, is something of a mystery to me.

My A1C is still over seven and my readings, while consistently under 150, are not where me or my doctor want them.

I told her that I want to lose twenty pounds and not have to take insulin before a meal by the time I see her again in October. The only way I can make that happen is by changing how I eat (something I already started). I know I need to exercise as well, but I don't really have room for that.

So, starting tomorrow, I will be posting TikToks of my glucose readings and what I'm eating. And of my attempts at getting my house cleaner.

And the other reason for the change is I have been in this horrible place six years too long (I moved in in February of 2015) and I am more than ready to move.

But I have a bug problem. I know I have contributed to it, I'm not the best housekeeper, but a lot of it is from when a neighbor moved out two or three years ago.

Before I move, I want to be as bug free as I can be so that I don't risk taking any of them with me.

I have tried in the past to have someone hold me accountable but it didn't really work. They never asked for pictures and if I said I didn't feel well, they didn't tell me to do at least the dishes or pick up trash. I'm not putting all the blame on them, I am the one who didn't want to clean and knew they wouldn't tell me I needed to despite not wanting to.

So, I will post at least three vids a day, with the exception of when I go out to eat or to do my laundry at my mother's. I will still take a screenshot of my glucose reading, but I won't be showing what I ate. I don't really want to have to explain it to my parents.

If you want, you are more than free to poke me if I don't post a vid by a time certain. I do not expect anyone to take me up on this, but just thought I'd put it out there.

If you've stuck around this long, thank you for reading.

Thank you for stopping by. Don't be a stranger!

#life changes #personal goals #me #unfucking my life

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solarissantaella · 3 years ago

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I completely forgot about Throwback Thursday and Spotlight Saturday, but I completed two more chapters of Francisca and the Forgotten, which is going to be my NaNoWriMo project starting tomorrow! Since I’ll be doing NaNoWriMo, I won’t follow this blog’s usual posting schedule-- instead, I’ll do daily updates of Francisca and the Forgotten, and I think I’ll try to keep up with daily observations because they’re so simple and I don’t want to get out of the habit.

I did some more improvising for Music Monday, so I don’t really have much to say about that. However, tomorrow’s going to be a BIG day music-wise, so stay tuned!

I decided to expand “Back to the Carnival” into a series of poems and maybe try getting it published as a chapbook sometime, so I wrote “Leap Year”. I actually did a revision of “Back to the Carnival” that had a longer beginning than the version of the poem I originally posted here, but I wasn’t able to find it. However, since I’m sure that would’ve been written three of four years ago, it’s probably for the best that I just started over. It’s interesting revisiting old work of mine and trying to add on and improve it while still keeping the same voice and spirit. I’m looking forward to revisiting this project once I’m done with NaNoWriMo!

I also shared a bonus poetry reading of “Yours, Lucifer” for Halloween, and I figure I might as well plug the reading of “Oleander Halloween” too, since t’is the season and all that.

I’m both eagerly anticipating and deeply dreading NaNoWriMo, so let’s see how it NaNoWri-goes.

#week in review #10/31/2021

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our-time-is-now · 4 years ago

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June 24, 2019 (4): Does anyone know how to do injections?

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog.

Attention! This play includes transgender topics. For more details see our interjection.

Monday, 9:11 pm:

Matteo: *he and David are lying on David's bed* *David has his head on his shoulder and Matteo is playing with his hair* *is relieved that everything with his application has worked out so well* *but then remembers that David had been at the doctor's today* By the way, how was your doctor's appointment? Everything alright?

David: *is happy that they have immediately sent off Matteo's application and hopes that it really all works out the way Matteo wants it to* *briefly thinks about what they would do if Matteo has his job in Berlin but he wouldn’t be accepted into a university close-by, but doesn't really want to think about this right now* *luckily gets distracted from his thoughts by Matteo* Hmm... like always, actually... *hesitates* Well, ... almost... *turns around so that he can look at Matteo and then explains* The next appointment for the testo-injection would be right when we're on holiday... and basically I have three options now: I either go back to Berlin for one day to get my injection, but I don't know if it would be okay to just take Hanna's father's car and if I take the train it would take forever... or I could look for a good doctor there, but I think it would be difficult to find a doctor who is familiar with testo-injections in the countryside... *then sighs and adds* ... or I inject it myself... or you... or someone else... *looks at Matteo questioningly to see what he thinks* *doesn't really know what to do* *would probably lean towards trying it himself but doesn't know if he would really be able to jam a needle into his skin*

Matteo: *nods slightly and is happy that the appointment had been like always* *but then hears his next words and immediately looks worried* *looks down to him when he explains and understands what he means* Oh, okay, that sucks... *immediately shakes his head when David says that he could do it* That's stupid, neither of us has ever done this before... and going back to Berlin also sucks, then you're totally torn from the holiday-feeling... *thinks about what else they could do* Would it be okay for you if someone else did it? You could ask in the group chat... maybe one of them had to do injections before?

David: *nods at Matteo's words* I'm just annoyed because I didn't think of it sooner. But I only noticed when we were talking about the next appointment... otherwise I could have practiced today. Under supervision... *then thinks about Matteo's other suggestion and shrugs* Dunno... who might be willing to do it? I mean, it's not that difficult – you just have to hit the muscle and the one in the thigh is easier to hit than the one in the butt but it's also a little more painful... but the mere thought of having to puncture the skin... *has to shake himself at the thought* Do you know anyone who had to do injections before? Or at least someone who wouldn’t have a problem with doing it? *takes out his phone and opens the holiday group chat* *then hesitates because he's not sure if he really wants to discuss the topic with so many people*

Matteo: *shrugs* No idea... neither of them has diabetes, as far as I'm aware... *then shakes his head* No, no, if something goes wrong... better not. *also grabs his phone and opens the chat* I can also ask if you want me to?

David: *nods when Matteo says that neither of them has diabetes* *hesitates* *shakes his head when Matteo says that he can also ask and says quietly* No, I'll do it... *opens the chat and hesitates again* *then says to Matteo* I just don't really feel like discussing it with everyone and to explain all of it to everyone via text... hmmm... but if one of them says that they'd do it I can text them in a private chat... *eventually starts to type and realizes that he’s a little nervous*

WhatsApp, Team Holidays:

David: Hey everyone, does anyone happen to know how to do injections? I mean, did either of you have to do injections on themselves or someone else?

Hanna: God, no! I couldn't do that!

Jonas: I've never done that... why? What's this about?

Abdi: Do you want to switch to hard drugs?

Carlos: Did Luigi drive you into madness?

Matteo: Haha *middle-finger-emoji*

Amira: No, sorry, never had to do anything like that.

David: I need someone who has experience with it.

Carlos: I could say something dirty now...

Kiki: But you won't!

Sam: I used to have a rabbit that I had to give injections to. I'm sure I could manage.

Matteo: Under no circumstances!

Kiki: I could do some research on it, I'm sure I could figure it out.

Matteo: *sends a shaking-head-gif*

Mia: I don't know anything about it, unfortunately. I'll ask Alex later, he doesn't really read along in here

Sam: Giving injections to rabbits isn't enough? I managed quite well, back then!

Carlos: I'm sure there are people at Zoo Station that know how to do injections...

Hanna: I think you can learn something like that, right? I mean, not me, but if Sam says she gave injections/shots to her rabbit, then it can't be that difficult...

Jonas: Hello? What's this even about?

Abdi: About injections/shots, Brudi! It says it further up in the chat!

Jonas: *eye-roll-emoji*

David: Sorry, Jonas. It's about my testo

Carlos: I see... I thought the doctor does that...

Alex: I can do injections!

Matteo: You do? How? How often did you do it? And why? How long ago was that?

Alex: Umm... I can do injections, isn't that enough?

Matteo: No.

Carlos: Haha, Alex still has a lot to learn.

Abdi: Who will win in a fight: Matteo or Alex?

Sam: Alex

Jonas: Alex

Carlos: Alex

Mia: Alex

Hanna: When it's about David then Matteo.

David: Alex, I'll text you in a private chat...

Carlos: Uuhhh... intimate conversation or what? Don't make Luigi jealous...

Alex: Ok.

Sam: That's mean! I also want to know what this is about!

Mia: Maybe it's simply private!?

Abdi: So do I! Come on, David, tell us!

Matteo: I'm never jealous

Carlos: Sure

Sam: Why private? We all know what this is about

Matteo: Maybe it still doesn't have to be discussed in front of everyone?

Jonas: Luigi is right. If they are going to talk about it in detail not everyone has to know it.

Hanna: Besides, you can also ask David anytime if you have questions! He bites only sometimes :-P

David: @ Hanna: Haha :-P

David: But yes, Jonas and Hanna are right. I'm happy to tell you details in person if you have questions, but I think if we started to talk about it here in the chat then we'd probably still be here tomorrow and my fingers would fall off from all the typing...

Jonas: You can also ask Matteo ;)

Matteo: Better not

Sam: Matteo, Matteo, why so modest?

Matteo: No, but... it's not about me

Sam: So I can ask you questions when it's about you?

Jonas: I smell a trap. Run, Luigi!

Matteo: You can ask anything, I don't have to answer it, though.

WhatsApp, David/Alex:

David: Hey. Sorry to ambush you like that, but I really do need help with my injection. Usually I get a shot of testo in my gluteal muscle every 3 to 4 weeks at the doctor’s office. But the next dose would be right when we're on holiday. Basically, I could also inject it myself... in my thigh muscle, but I've never done it alone and I don't really think I can do it. So if you think you can do it and know how to do it then I'd be really grateful to you if you could do that for me.

Alex: Yes, I can do it.

Alex: I had to do injections for thrombosis. Wasn't that long ago.

David: Really? Thanks! That's really nice of you!

David: For thrombosis the injections also go in the thigh, right?

Alex: Yes, exactly. I figured it out pretty quickly, so don't worry, it's not worth mentioning.

David: *thumbs-up-emoji*

WhatsApp, Matteo/Mia:

Matteo: Mia, be honest: Does Alex really know how to do that?

Mia: *laughing emoji* Oh man, Matteo! Why don't you trust him a little. He wouldn't say it if he didn't know how to do it

Matteo: Yes, you're right. But still... how long ago was it that he had to do injections?

Mia: Not that long ago...

Mia: And in case it helps calm you down: The moment Alex heard that it was about the testosterone injections he opened google. I really think that he would say something if he didn't think he could do it, after all.

Matteo: Oh, that's... nice *emoji that gapes in shock*

Mia: Haha, yes. But don't tell him I told you that, that would ruin his reputation

Matteo: I won't :-)

WhatsApp, David/Hanna:

Hanna: Hey, did it work out with Alex? Could you figure everything out? Otherwise I could ask my Dad again if he knows a doctor in the area or something like that?

David: Hey, it's nice that you want to ask but Alex can do it and will give me the injection! Should he screw it up for some reason, I'll gladly get back to you on your offer with the doctor, but we'd rather not think of something like that, yet *scared emoji*

Hanna: I'm afraid if he screws up then he'll get murdered by Matteo. Then we'll have a completely different kind of problem :-) But I don't think he would offer to do it if he didn't have experience with it

David: Yes, I also think that otherwise he wouldn't have offered it. And it'll be your and Jonas' task to stop Matteo from making Alex and me nervous when he has to do it ;-)

Hanna: Haha, you're really funny. Do you think that we have some magical powers or something like that? Sorry, David, but you chose him, now you have to deal with him. ;-) No, but we'll try, I promise.

David: In most cases I'm really happy to deal with him... but when it's about stuff like this Matteo tends to be overprotective...

David: Don't get me wrong – it's also somehow really cute and I'm really grateful and happy that I don't have to go through this crap alone anymore!

Hanna: Yes, I can understand that overprotectiveness can sometimes be exhausting. But even though Matteo has always been protective when it came to his friends, with you it's something else entirely. It really is adorable to see that. Somehow a completely new Matteo :)

David: Doesn't matter if it's old or new Matteo – for me, he's exactly right! ;-) (Yeah, you can find that adorable, as well :-P)

Hanna: Awwwww. I do. :-)

(next play)

#druck #druck og #matteo florenzi #david schreibner #davenzi #davenzi plays

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96harmony96 · 4 years ago

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Chapter 15

Friday found Trey sharing breakfast with Cary and me after an overnighter. As I drank the day’s first cup of coffee, I watched him interact with Cary and I was genuinely thrilled to see the intimate smiles and covert touches they gave one another.

I’d had easy relationships like that and hadn’t appreciated them at the time. They had been comfortable and uncomplicated, but they’d been superficial in a fundamental way, too.

How deep could a love affair get if you didn’t know the darkest recesses of your lover’s soul? That was the dilemma I’d faced with Lauren.

Day 2 After Lauren had begun. I found myself wanting to go to her and apologize for leaving her yet again. I wanted to tell her I was there for her, ready to listen or simply offer silent comfort. But I was too emotionally invested. I got wounded too easily. I was too afraid of rejection. And knowing she wouldn’t let me get too close only intensified that fear. Even if we did figure things out, I’d only tear myself apart trying to live with just the bits and pieces she decided to share with me.

At least my job was going well. The celebratory lunch the executives gave in honor of the agency landing the Kingsman account made me genuinely happy. I felt blessed to work in such a positive environment. But when I heard that Lauren had been invited—although no one expected her to show up—I returned quietly to my desk and focused on work the rest of the afternoon.

I hit the gym on the way home; then picked up some items to make fettuccini alfredo for dinner with crème brulée for dessert—comfort food guaranteed to put me in a carbohydrate coma. I expected sleep to offer me a break from the endless what-ifs my brain was recycling, hopefully long into Saturday morning.

Cary and I ate in the living room with chopsticks, his idea to cheer me up. He said dinner was great, but I couldn’t tell. I snapped out of it when he fell silent, too, and I realized I was being a less than stellar friend.

“When are the Grey Isles’ campaign ads going up?” I asked.

“I’m not sure, but get this…” He grinned. “You know how it is with male models��we’re tossed around like condoms at an orgy. It’s tough to stand out from the crowd, unless you’re dating someone famous. Which I’m suddenly reported to be doing since those photos of you and me were plastered everywhere. I’m the side piece of action in your relationship with Lauren Jauregui. You’ve done wonders for making me a hot commodity.”

I laughed. “You didn’t need my help for that.”

“Well, it certainly didn’t hurt. Anyway, they called me back for a couple more shoots. I think they might just use me for more than five minutes.”

“We’ll have to celebrate,” I teased.

“Absolutely. When you’re up for it.”

We ended up hanging out and watching the original Tron. His smartphone rang twenty minutes into the movie and I heard him speaking to his agency. “Sure. I’ll be there in fifteen, tops. I’ll call you when I get there.”

“Got a job?” I asked after he’d hung up.

“Yeah. A model showed up for a night shoot so trashed he’s worthless.” He studied me. “You wanna come?”

I stretched my legs out on the couch. “Nope. I’m good right here.”

“You sure you’re okay?”

“All I need is mindless entertainment. Just the thought of getting dressed again exhausts me.” I’d be happy wearing my flannel pajama bottoms and holey old tank top all weekend. As much as I hurt inside, total comfort outside seemed like a necessity. “Don’t worry about me. I know I’ve been a mess lately, but I’ll get it together. Go on and enjoy yourself.”

After Cary rushed out, I paused the movie and went to the kitchen for some wine. I stopped by the breakfast bar, my fingertips gliding over the roses Lauren had sent me the previous weekend. Petals fell to the countertop like tears. I thought about cutting the stems and using the flower food packet that came with the bouquet, but it was pointless hanging on to them. I’d throw the arrangement away tomorrow, the last reminder of my equally doomed relationship.

I’d gotten farther with Lauren in one week than I had with other relationships that lasted two years. I would always love her for that. Maybe I’d always love her, period.

And one day, that might not hurt so badly.

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead,” Cary singsonged as he yanked the comforter off of me.

“Ugh. Go away.”

“You’ve got five minutes to get your ass up and in the shower, or the shower’s coming to you.”

Opening one eye, I peeked at him. He was shirtless and wearing baggy pants that barely clung to his hips. As far as wake-up calls went, he was prime. “Why do I have to get up?”

“Because when you’re flat on your back you’re not on your feet.”

“Wow. That was deep, Cary Taylor.”

He crossed his arms and shot me an arch look. “We need to go shopping.”

I buried my face in the pillow. “No.”

“Yes. I seem to remember you saying this was a ‘Sunday garden party’ and ‘rock star gathering’ in the same sentence. What the hell do I wear to something like that?”

“Ah, well. Good point.”

“What are you wearing?”

“I…I don’t know. I was leaning toward the ‘English tea with hat’ look, but now I’m not so sure.”

He gave a brisk nod. “Right. Let’s hit the shops and find something sexy, classy, and cool.”

Growling a token protest, I rolled out of bed and padded over to the bathroom. It was impossible to shower without thinking of Lauren, without picturing her perfect body and remembering the desperate sounds she made when she came in my mouth. Everywhere I looked, Lauren was there. I’d even started hallucinating black Bentley SUVs all around town. I thought I spotted one damn near everywhere I went.

Cary and I had lunch; then we bounced all over the city, hitting the best of the Upper East Side thrift stores and Madison Avenue boutiques before taking a taxi downtown to SoHo. Along the way, Cary had two teenage girls ask for his autograph, which tickled me more than him, I think.

“Told you,” he crowed.

“Told me what?”

“They recognized me from an entertainment news blog. One of the posts about you and Jauregui.”

I snorted. “Glad my love life is working out for someone.”

He was due at another job around three and I went with him, spending a few hours in the studio of a loud and brash photographer. Remembering it was Saturday, I slipped into a far corner and made my weekly call to my dad.

“You still happy in New York?” he asked me above the background noise of dispatch talking over the radio in his cruiser.

“So far so good.” A lie, but the truth helped no one.

His partner said something I didn’t catch. My dad snorted and said, “Hey, Chris insists he saw you on television the other day. Some cable channel, celebrity gossip thing. The guys won’t leave me alone about it.”

I sighed. “Tell them watching those shows is bad for their brain cells.”

“So you’re not dating one of the richest people in America?”

“No. What about your love life?” I asked, quickly diverting. “Are you seeing anyone?”

“Nothing serious. Hang on.” He responded to a call on the radio, then said, “Sorry, sweetheart. I have to run. I love you. Miss you like crazy.”

“I miss you, too, Daddy. Be careful.”

“Always. Bye.”

I killed the call and went back to my former spot to wait for Cary to wrap things up. In the lull, my mind tormented me. Where was Lauren now? What was she doing?

Would Monday bring me an inbox full of photos of her with another woman?

____

Sunday afternoon I borrowed Clancy and one of Stanton’s town cars for the drive out to the Vidal estate in Dutchess County. Leaning back in the seat, I looked out the window, absently admiring the serene vista of rolling meadows and green woodlands that stretched to the distant horizon. I realized I was working on Day 4 After Lauren. The pain I’d felt the first few days had turned into a dull throbbing that felt almost like the flu. Every part of my body ached, as if I was going through some sort of physical withdrawal and my throat burned with unshed tears.

“Are you nervous?” Cary asked me.

I glanced at him. “Not really. Lauren won’t be there.”

“You’re sure about that?”

“I wouldn’t be going if I thought otherwise. I do have some pride you know.” I watched him drum his fingers on the armrest between our two seats. For all the shopping we’d done yesterday, he’d made only one purchase: a black leather tie. I’d teased him mercilessly about it, he of the perfect fashion sense going with something like that.

He caught me looking at it. “What? You still don’t like my tie? I think it works well with the emo jeans and my lounge lizard jacket.”

“Cary”—my lips quirked—“you can wear anything.”

It was true. Cary could pull any look off, a benefit of having a sculpted rangy body and a face that could make angels weep.

I set my hand over his restless fingers. “Are you nervous?”

“Trey didn’t call last night,” he muttered. “He said he would.”

I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “It’s just one missed call, Cary. I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything serious.”

“He could’ve called this morning,” he argued. “Trey’s not flakey like the others I’ve dated. He wouldn’t have forgotten to call, which means he just doesn’t want to.”

“The rat bastard. I’ll be sure to take lots of pictures of you having a great time looking sexy, classy, and cool to torment him with on Monday.”

His mouth twitched. “Ah, the deviousness of the female mind. It’s a shame Jauregui won’t see you today. I think I got a semi when you came out of your room in that dress.”

“Eww!” I smacked his shoulder and mock-glared when he laughed.

The dress had seemed perfect to both of us when we’d found it. It was cut in a classic garden party style—fitted bodice with a knee-length skirt that flared out from the waist. It was even white with flowers. But that’s where the tea-and-crumpets style ended.

The edginess came from the strapless form, the alternating layers of black and crimson satin underskirts that gave it volume, and the black leather flowers that looked like wicked pinwheels. Cary had picked the red Jimmy Choo peep-toe pumps out of my closet and the ruby drop earrings to give it all the finishing touch. We’d decided to leave my hair loose around my shoulders, in case we arrived and learned that hats were required. All in all, I felt pretty and confident.

Clancy drove us through an imposing set of monogrammed gates and turned into a circular driveway, following the direction of a valet. Cary and I got out by the entrance, and he took my arm as my heels sank into blue-gray gravel on the walk to the house.

Upon entering the Vidal’s sprawling Tudor-style mansion, we were warmly greeted by lauren’s family in a receiving line—her mother, stepfather, Christopher, and their sister.

I took in the sight, thinking the Vidal family could only look more perfect if Lauren was lined up with them. Her mother and sister had her coloring, both women boasting the same glossy obsidian hair and thickly-lashed green eyes. They were both beautiful in a finely wrought way.

“Camila!” Lauren’s mother drew me toward her, then air-kissed both of my cheeks. “I’m so pleased to finally meet you. What a gorgeous girl you are! And your dress. I love it.”

“Thank you.”

Her hands brushed over my hair, cupped my face, and then slid down my arms. It was hard for me to bear it, because touching was sometimes an anxiety trigger for me when the person was a stranger. “Your hair, is it naturally brunette?”

“Yes,” I replied, startled and confused by the question. Who asked a question like that of a stranger?

“How fascinating. Well, welcome. I hope you have a wonderful time. We’re so glad you could make it.”

Feeling strangely unsettled, I was grateful when her attention moved to Cary and zeroed in.

“And you must be Cary,” she crooned. “Here I’d been certain my three children were the most attractive in the world. I see I was wrong about that. You are simply divine, young man.”

Cary flashed his megawatt smile. “Ah, I think I’m in love, Mrs. Vidal.”

she laughed with throaty delight. “Please. Call me Elizabeth. Or Lizzie, if you’re brave enough.”

Looking away, I found my hand clasped by Christopher Vidal Senior. In many ways, he reminded me of his son, with his slate green eyes and boyish smile. In others, he was a pleasant surprise. Dressed in khakis, loafers, and a cashmere cardigan, he looked more like a college professor than a music company executive.

“Camila. May I call you Camila?”

“Please do.”

“Call me Chris. It makes it a little easier to distinguish between me and Christopher.” His head tilted to the side as he contemplated me through quirky brass spectacles. “I can see why Lauren is so taken with you. Your eyes are a deep chocolate brown, yet they’re so clear and direct. Quite the most beautiful eyes I think I’ve ever seen, aside from my wife’s.”

I flushed. “Thank you.”

“Is Lauren coming?”

“Not that I’m aware of.” Why didn’t her parents know the answer to that question?

“We always hope.” He gestured at a waiting servant. “Please head back to the gardens and make yourself at home.”

Christopher greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, while lauren’s sister Ireland sized me up in a sulky way that only a teenager could pull off. “You’re a brunette,” she said.

Jeez. Was lauren’s preference for light-haired women a damn law or something? “And you’re a very lovely brunette.”

Cary offered me his arm and I accepted it gratefully.

As we walked away, he asked me quietly, “Were they what you expected?”

“Her mom, maybe. Her stepdad, no.” I looked back over my shoulder, taking in the elegant floor-length cream sheath dress that clung to Elizabeth Vidal’s svelte figure. I thought of what little I knew about Lauren’s family. “How does a girl grow up to be a businesswoman who takes over her stepfather’s family business?”

“Jauregui owns shares in Vidal Records?”

“Controlling interest.”

“Hmm. Maybe it was a bailout?” he offered. “A helping hand during a trying time for the music industry?”

“Why not just give him the money?” I wondered.

“Because she’s a shrewd businesswoman?”

With a sharp exhalation, I waved the question away and cleared my mind. I was attending the party for Cary, not Lauren, and I was going to keep that first and foremost in my thoughts.

Once we’d moved outside, we found a large, elaborately decorated marquee erected in the rear garden. Although the day was beautiful enough to stay out in the sun, I found a seat at a circular table covered in white damask instead.

Cary patted my shoulder. “You relax. I’ll network.”

“Go get ’em.”

He moved away, intent on his agenda.

I sipped champagne and chatted with everyone who stopped by to strike up a conversation. There were a lot of recording artists at the party whose work I listened to, and I watched them covertly, a bit starstruck. For all the elegance of the surroundings and the endless number of servants, the overall vibe was casual and relaxed.

I was starting to enjoy myself when someone I’d hoped never to see again stepped out of the house onto the terrace: Magdalene Perez, looking phenomenal in a rose-hued chiffon gown that floated around her knees.

A hand settled on my shoulder and squeezed, setting my heart racing because it reminded me of the night Cary and I had gone to lauren’s club. But the figure that rounded me this time was Christopher.

“Hey, Camila.” He took the chair next to mine and set his elbows on his knees, leaning toward me. “Are you having fun? You’re not mingling much.”

“I’m having a great time.” At least I had been. “Thank you for inviting me.”

“Thank you for coming. My parents are stoked you’re here. Me, too, of course.” His grin made me smile, as did his tie, which had cartoon vinyl records all over it. “Are you hungry? The crab cakes are great. Grab one when the tray comes by.”

“I’ll do that.”

“Let me know if you need anything. And save a dance for me.” He winked, and then hopped up and away.

Ireland took his seat, arranging herself with the practiced grace of a finishing school graduate. Her hair fell in a single length to her waist and her beautiful eyes were direct in a way I could appreciate. she looked worldlier than her seventeen years. “Hi.”

“Hello.”

“Where’s Lauren?”

I shrugged at the blunt question. “I’m not sure.”

she nodded sagely. “she’s good at being a loner.”

“Has she always been that way?”

“I guess. she moved out when I was little. Do you love her?”

My breath caught for a second. I released it in a rush and said simply, “Yes.”

“I thought so when I saw that video of you two in Bryant Park.” she bit her lush lower lip. “Is she fun? You know…to hang around with?”

“Oh. Well…” God. Did anyone know Lauren? “I wouldn’t say she’s fun, but she’s never boring.”

The live band began playing “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” and Cary appeared beside me as if by magic. “Time to make me look good, Ginger.”

“I’ll try my best, Fred.” I smiled at Ireland. “Excuse me a minute.”

“Three minutes, forty seconds,” she corrected, displaying some of her family’s expertise in music.

Cary led me onto the empty dance floor and pulled me into a swift foxtrot. It took me a minute to get into it, because I’d been stiff and tight with misery for days. Then the synergy of longtime partners kicked in and we glided across the floor with sweeping steps.

When the singer’s voice faded with the music, we stopped, breathless. We were pleasantly surprised by applause. Cary gave an elegant bow and I held on to his hand for stability as I dipped into a curtsy.

When I lifted my head and straightened, I found Lauren standing in front of me. Startled, I stumbled back a step. she was seriously underdressed in jeans and an untucked white dress shirt that was open at the collar and rolled up at the sleeves, but she was so damn fine she still put every other woman in attendance to shame.

The tremendous yearning I felt at the sight of her overwhelmed me. Distantly I was aware of the band’s singer pulling Cary away, but I couldn’t tear my gaze away from Lauren, whose wildly green eyes burned into mine.

“What are you doing here?” she snapped, scowling.

I recoiled from her harshness. “Excuse me?”

“You shouldn’t be here.” she grabbed me by the elbow and started hauling me toward the house. “I don’t want you here.”

If she’d spit in my face, it couldn’t have devastated me more. I yanked my arm free of her and walked briskly toward the house with my head held high, praying I could make it to the privacy of the town car and Clancy’s protective watch before the tears started falling.

Behind me, I heard a come-hither female voice call out lauren’s name and I sent up a prayer that the woman would stall her long enough for me to get out without further confrontation.

I thought I just might make it when I passed into the cool interior of the house.

“Camila, wait.”

My shoulders hunched at the sound of Lauren’s voice and I refused to look at her. “Get lost. I can show myself out.”

“I’m not done—”

“I am!” I pivoted to face her. “You don’t get to talk to me that way. Who do you think you are? You think I came here for you? That I was hoping I’d see you and you’d throw me a goddamn scrap or bone…some pathetic acknowledgment of my existence? Maybe I’d be able to harass you into a quick, dirty fuck in a corner somewhere in a pitiful effort to win you back?”

“Shut up, Camila.” Her gaze was scorching hot, her jaw tight and hard. “Listen to me—”

“I’m only here because I was told you wouldn’t be. I’m here for Cary and his career. So you can go back to the party and forget about me all over again. I assure you, when I walk out the door, I’ll be doing the same to you.”

“Shut your damned mouth.” she caught me by the elbows and shook me so hard my teeth snapped together. “Just shut up and let me talk.”

I slapped her hard enough to turn her head. “Don’t touch me.”

With a growl, Lauren hauled me into her and kissed me hard, bruising my lips. Her hand was in my hair, fisting it roughly, holding me in place so I couldn’t turn away. I bit the tongue she thrust aggressively into my mouth, then her lower lip, tasting blood, but she didn’t stop. I shoved at her shoulders with everything I had, but I couldn’t budge her.

Goddamn Stanton! If not for him and my crazy-assed mother, I’d have had a few Krav Maga classes under my belt by now…

Lauren kissed me as if she was starved for the taste of me and my resistance began to melt. she smelled so good, so familiar. Her body felt so perfectly right against mine. My nipples betrayed me, hardening into tight points, and a slow, hot trickle of arousal gathered in my core. My heart thundered in my chest.

God, I wanted her. The craving hadn’t gone away, not even for a minute.

she picked me up. Imprisoned by her tight grip, it was hard to breathe and my head began to spin. When she carried me through a door and kicked it shut behind her, I couldn’t do more than make a feeble sound of protest.

I found myself pressed against a heavy glass door on the other side of a library, lauren’s hard and powerful body subduing my own. Her arm at my waist slid lower, her hand delving beneath my skirts and finding the curves of my butt exposed by my lacy boy shorts underwear. she wrenched my hips hard to her, making me feel how hard she was, how aroused. My sex trembled with want, achingly empty.

All the fight left me. My arms fell to my sides, my palms pressing flat to the glass. I felt the brittle tension drain from her body as I softened in surrender, the pressure of her mouth easing and her kiss turning into a passionate coaxing.

“Camila,” she breathed gruffly. “Don’t fight me. I can’t take it.”

My eyes closed. “Let me go, Lauren.”

she nuzzled her cheek against mine, her breath gusting hard and fast over my ear. “I can’t. I know you’re disgusted by what you saw the other night…what I was doing to myself—”

“Lauren, no!” God. Did she think I left hee because of that? “That’s not why—”

“I’m losing my mind without you.” Her lips were gliding down my neck, her tongue stroking over my racing pulse. she sucked on my skin and pleasure radiated through me. “I can’t think. I can’t work or sleep. My body aches for you. I can make you want me again. Let me try.”

Tears slipped free and ran down my face. They splashed on the upper swell of my breasts and she licked at them, lapping them away.

How would I ever recover if she made love to me again? How would I survive if she didn’t?

“I never stopped wanting you,” I whispered. “I can’t stop. But you hurt me, Lauren. You have the power to hurt me like no one else can.”

Her gaze was stark and confused on my face. “I hurt you? How?”

“You lied to me. You shut me out.” I cupped her face, needing hero to understand this one thing without question. “Your past doesn’t have the power to push me away. Only you can do that, and you did.”

“I didn’t know what to do,” she rasped. “I never wanted you to see me like that…”

“That’s the problem, Lauren. I want to know who you are, the good and the bad, and you want to keep parts of yourself hidden from me. If you don’t open up, we’re going to lose each other down the road and I won’t be able to take it. I’m barely surviving it now. I’ve crawled through the last four days of my life. Another week, a month…It’ll break me to give you up.”

“I can let you in, Camila. I’m trying. But your first response when I screw up is to run away. You do it every time and I can’t stand feeling like any moment I’m going to do or say something wrong and you’re going to bolt.”

Her mouth was tender again as she brushed her lips back and forth over mine. I didn’t argue with her. How could I, when she was right?

“I hoped you’d come back on your own,” she murmured, “but I can’t stay away anymore. I’ll carry you out of here if I have to. Whatever it takes to get you back in the same room with me, talking this out.”

My heart stuttered. “You were hoping I’d come back? I thought…You gave me back my keys. I thought we were over.”

she pulled back, her face set in fierce lines. “We’ll never be over, Camila.”

I looked at her, my heart aching like an open wound at how beautiful she was, how broken and in pain she was—pain I’d caused to some degree.

On tiptoes, I kissed the reddened handprint I’d left on her cheek, clutching her thick silky hair in my hands.

Lauren bent her knees to align our bodies, her breathing harsh and erratic. “I’ll do whatever you want, whatever you need. Anything. Just take me back.”

Maybe I should have been scared by the depth of her need, but I felt the same passionate insanity for her.

Running my hands down her chest in an effort to soothe her trembling, I gave her the hard truth. “We can’t seem to stop making each other miserable. I can’t keep doing this to you and I can’t keep going through these crazy highs and lows. We need help, Lauren. We’re seriously dysfunctional.”

“I saw Dr. Petersen on Friday. He’s going to take me on as a patient, and—if you agree—he’ll take us both on as a couple. I figured if you can trust him, I can try.”

“Dr. Petersen?” I remembered the brief jolt I’d felt at seeing a black Bentley SUV when Clancy pulled away from the doctor’s office. At the time, I’d told myself it was wishful thinking. After all, there were countless black SUVs in New York. “You had me followed.”

Her chest expanded on a deep breath. she didn’t deny it.

I bit back my anger. I could only imagine how terrible it must be for her to be so dependent on something—someone—she couldn’t control. What mattered most at that moment were her willingness to try and the fact that it wasn’t just talk. she’d actually taken steps. “It’s going to be a lot of work, Lauren,” I warned her.

“I’m not afraid of work.” she was touching me restlessly, her hands sliding over my thighs and buttocks as if caressing my bare skin was as necessary to her as breathing. “I’m only afraid of losing you.”

I pressed my cheek to her. We completed each other. Even now, as her hands roamed possessively over me, I felt a thawing in my soul, the desperate relief of being held—finally—by the woman who understood and satisfied my deepest, most intimate desires.

“I need you.” Her mouth was sliding over my cheek and down my throat. “I need to be inside you…”

“No. My God. Not here.” But my protest sounded weak even to my own ears. I wanted her anywhere, anytime, any way…

“It has to be here,” she muttered, dropping to her knees. “It has to be now.”

she chafed my skin ripping the lace of my panties away; then she shoved my skirts to my waist and licked my cleft, her tongue parting my folds to stroke over my throbbing clit.

I gasped and tried to recoil, but there was nowhere to go. Not with the door at my back and a grimly determined Lauren in front, one hand keeping me pinned while the other lifted my left leg over her shoulder, opening me to her ardent mouth.

My head thudded against the glass, heat pulsing through my blood from the point where her tongue was driving me mad. My leg flexed against her back, urging her closer, my hands cupping her head to hold her still as I rocked into her. Feeling the rough satin strands of her hair against my sensitive inner thighs was its own provocation, heightening my awareness of everything around me…

We were in Lauren’s parents’ house, in the midst of a party attended by dozens of famous people, and she was on her knees, growling her hunger as she licked and sucked my slick, aching cleft. she knew just how to get to me, knew what I liked and needed. she had an understanding of my nature that went above and beyond her incredible oral skills. The combination was devastating and addicting.

My body shook, my eyelids heavy from the illicit pleasure. “Lauren…You make me come so hard.”

Her tongue rubbed over and over the clenching entrance to my body, teasing me, making me grind shamelessly into her working mouth. Her hands cupped my bare butt, kneading, urging me onto her tongue as she thrust it inside me. There was reverence in the greedy way she enjoyed me, the unmistakable sense that she worshipped my body, that pleasuring it and taking pleasure from it was as vital to her as the blood in her veins.

“Yes,” I hissed, feeling the orgasm building. I was buzzed by champagne and the heated scent of Lauren’s skin mixed with my own arousal. My breasts strained within the increasingly too-tight confines of my strapless bra, my body trembling on the edge of a desperately needed orgasm. “I’m so close.”

A movement on the far side of the room caught my eye and I froze, my gaze locking with Magdalene’s. she stood just inside the door, halted midstride, staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed at the back of Lauren’s moving head.

But she was either oblivious or too impassioned to care. Her lips circled my clit and her cheeks hallowed. Sucking rhythmically, she massaged the hypersensitive knot with the tip of her tongue.

Everything tightened viciously, then released in a fiery burst of pleasure.

The orgasm poured through me in a scorching wave. I cried out, pumping my hips mindlessly into her mouth, lost to the primal connection between us. Lauren held me up as my knees weakened, tonguing my quivering flesh until the last tremor faded.

When I opened my eyes again, our audience of one had fled.

Standing in a rush Lauren picked me up and carried me to the couch. she dropped me lengthwise on the cushion; then hauled my hips up to rest on the armrest, arching my spine.

I eyed her up the length of my torso. Why not just fold me over and fuck me from behind?

Then she ripped open her button-fly and pulled her big, beautiful penis out, and I didn’t care how she took me just so long as she did. I whimpered as she shoved into me, my body struggling to accommodate the wonderful fullness I craved. Yanking my hips to meet her powerful thrusts, Lauren battered my tender sex with that brutally thick column of rigid flesh, her gaze dark and possessive, her breath leaving her in primitive grunts every time she hit the end of me.

A trembling moan left me, the friction of her drives stirring my never-sated need to be fucked senseless by her. Only her.

A handful of strokes and her head fell back as she gasped my name, her hips rolling to stir me into a frenzy. “Squeeze me, Camila. Squeeze my dick.”

When I complied, the ragged sound she made was so erotic my sex trembled in appreciation. “Yeah, angel…just like that.”

I tightened around her and she cursed. Her gaze found mine, the stunning green hazed with sexual euphoria. A convulsive shudder wracked her powerful frame, followed by an agonized sound of ecstasy. Her cock jerked inside me, once, twice, and then she was coming long and hard, spurting hotly into the clutching depths of my body.

I didn’t have time to climax again, but it didn’t matter. I watched her with awe and pure female triumph. I could do this to her.

In the moments of orgasm, I owned her as completely as she owned me.

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