#i’d like to see the vibes for meself

[carlsdraws]

woag was anyone gonna tell me irish mythology fucked

[aquanafrahudy]

Drabble

’is majesty couldnae see th’ woods for th’ trees, that’s what I always said. When th’ Lords an’ th’ Ladies come knocking ye know ye ha’ to do summat about it, else ye’ll be up and down th’ stairs half th’ night wi’ their follies and their play-actin’ and I don’t know what else. I spake to meself, I said, they’ll be wantin’ summat, or me name’s not Jenefer Everywhere, and, sure as rain, there were th’ prince an’ he spake to me to come wi’ him to th’ Other Place, and there t’face me trial, and so I went. 

The character of Jenny Everywhere is available for use by anyone, with only one condition. This paragraph must be included in any publication involving Jenny Everywhere, in order that others may use this property as they wish. All rights reversed.

Ramble after the cut.

So I was just reading some of Scott Sanford's Jenny Everywhere stories, which are really quite good, and in The Morning After, we briefly see glimpses of different Jennies, and I glanced at the commentary and saw this:

Incidentally, if anyone feels inspired by any of the worlds Jenny flashed onto and wants to investigate them more, please be my guest. Some of those Jenny Everywheres are obviously doing very interesting things that barely got touched upon in this story. I’d like to know more about the crew of the Cheshire Catamaran and what the deal is with Jenny’s fire breathing cow...

And, as I happened to be feeling inspired, I thought I'd try my hand at a drabble, which is a hundred words, and it isn't a very good one, but it is my first try, so I thought I'd share it anyway. It's a bit rambly, and doesn't so much tell a story as hint at one, but there you are. Also, we don't learn anything about the fire-breathing cow, I'm afraid. This just brings up more questions than it answers. If somebody else wants to try answering some of the questions, feel free to. Actually, I'm sort of tempted to write a full trial story now. Maybe I will and maybe I won't. We shall see.

It doesn't have a title because I can never think of titles. My depiction of the Fair Folk is largely built on Pratchett's, as I got Pratchett-y vibes from the original. And, um, yes. I never know how to end these things, but there you are.

[bapyess1r]

Head Over Heels

02. Don’t Look Away

Samira’s POV

I walked through the door and the heat from the amount of people in a small unit smacked me in the face. ���Fuck, it’s definitely too hot.’ I thought as I shed myself of my leather jacket. “Oi! Four whiskeys. Neat, mate.” Joe told the bartender, tapping his finger on the bar as I looked for my friends. “I t’ink they’re over there, lass.” He said as he gestured towards the dance floor.

“Yo, you’re tall,” I began.

“.....I am.” He said awkwardly.

“Do you see a short light skinned girl with platinum braids anywhere over there?” I asked as the bartender poured out drinks in small glasses paired with a little white napkin.

“Aye. Shmack dab in the middle with that blue haired fella ya came in with.” He said nodding a thanks to the person behind the bar. I grabbed a drink, walking over to the opposite side of the room and standing on the bench in the booth to see for myself so I could talk to them. And sure enough, just as he said, Kelly’s small frame, draped in all white as she whirled around my tall blue haired friend, Jooheon. Dancing next to them were my other friends Maura and Brazil. It was actually Maura who saw me and grabbed everyone’s attention to go over to me. They pushed through in a huddle and I belted out a tipsy little laugh as I lowered myself on the bench, balancing myself on my heels whilst also trying not to spill my drink. Jooheon just about bulldozed through the girls to meet me with the most infectious dimpled smile alive.

“You were gone forever!” Maura said in a concerned voice, her strong accent coming through her drunkenness. She pouted, stroking his silky blue hair. “Poor Honey here almost called out a search party fer ya.” She joked, ruffling his hair into a mess. He blushed and wrinkled his brows.

“I did not…” he quipped . “I just wanted to make sure you were ok…”

I chuckled. “Aww! Thank you for worrying but I’m ok!” I smiled, pinching a squishy cheek. He gave a small smile and pushed his hair back into place. With that, I turned to the girls. “I met a guy and he’s gonna smoke me up on the roof- I’ll be back!” I announced in one breath before quickly trying to scurry away but they all shouted and grabbed me by the wrist to keep me from escaping. Jooheon included. He seemed to disapprove before a word even left my mouth.

“What guy?!” He drunkenly howled, out yelling the girls in the similar expression. I rolled my eyes in annoyance before looking at the girls again.

“His name is Joe. He’s over by the bar. Super tall, tattoos, kinda rough lookin. OH! And he’s got an Irish accent, Maura!” I jabbered.

“Well we are in Ireland…” Kelly noted, sarcastically twirling her blonde braids between her fingers, which I met with a goofy face.

“Oh gee, I totally didn’t know that!” I replied with a laugh.

“So now what are you doing?” Brazil asked, protectively.

“Going on the roof to smoke.” I answered with wide eyes like an obedient child.

“And you’ll be back in 30.”

“But-”

“Thirty minutes and we’re coming to get you.” Maura said.

“But I-”

“THIRTY MINUTES, SAMIRA! No buts.” Kelly interjected with wide eyes and a pointed finger.

I sighed as I stood and sipped my whisky. “Yes mom.” But then, Brazil stopped me short and slipped the glass right out of my hands before I had the chance to down it all. I scoffed in annoyance. “Oh my god- what?!”

“Don’t get drunk. You’re going off with some rando.” She said with a very serious expression and downed it right away. My friends all ‘ooo’d and I scoffed, walking away. Then I felt a strong smack to my ass.

“Go get em bitch! Woo!” Kelly exclaimed with a guilty, red faced grin on her face before the others joined in laughter.

“Y’all are some straight up bullies!” I chuckled and sauntered dramatically back to Joe. He beamed at me, grabbing me by the hand and offering my second drink before sneaking me away to the abandoned upstairs area.

We snuck down a hall and out the back door to a wide open area of gravel and dirt; a field leading to a river beyond that as the moon and stars reflected brightly across it for miles. “Wow…” I whispered, marveling at the sight. “I didn’t know this was back here…”

“Well, you’re not a local, innit?” He chuckled.

“True.” I hummed, following him to the wooden stairs to the upstairs balcony that overlooked the moonlit river. “Wait til you see it bird’s eye.” He gave me a brief nudge. I was cold again immediately and the night air hit my neck and shoulders so I wiggles back into my jacket. When we reached the top we were met with a rusty yellow painted chain with a DO NOT ENTER sign on it.

“Fuck that, mate!” He grinned and we laughed amongst ourselves as he unclipped the chain. “Ladies first.” He said gesturing to the platform. I stepped up to look around and see chairs and tables banished to the top deck as Joe fixed the chain. He quickly stepped around me and grabbed a table and two random chairs from the mass of them before me and set them up. I sat down in the lawn chair with an amused giggle and he pulled the joint stashed behind his ear and lit it before passing it to me. “Oi, I almost forgot the best part!” He exclaimed, going to the opposite side of the deck. I pulled from the joint as I watched him with curiosity. He simply plugged something in, hit a switch, and in bright neon was a little moving stripper and XXX in animated flashing. “Brilliant, right?!” He looked truly proud of his discovery.

“Amazing.” I tried to speak through my ridiculous laugh and he just smiled with the satisfaction of simple entertainment the neon sign provided. He sat in the seat he pulled out for himself as I passed him the joint.

Joe’s POV

The smoke filled my lungs and created that familiar burn in me chest, suddenly relaxing my muscles, and I was just a little less nervous than before. I looked at the sign as one of the X’s flickered for a moment and sighed. “So! We have yet to finish our game, lass!” I said in a matter of fact tone, clasping my hands together. She leaned back into her chair and crossed arms.

“Go on then! Tell me about ‘meself’.” She teased with a cheeky, elysian grin. I took a long drag and stared at her before coming up a few things, taking extra time to admire her looks. She had the chubbiest cheeks…

“Yer the youngest of your siblings, aren’t ya? If you even have siblings- do ya?” I asked at random. She widened her eyes and nodded.

“I do! I have two sisters. I’m the youngest.” She said simply.

“Ay!! Go on now, your turn.” I grinned, passing her the joint. She pulled and held it in for a while, just looking at me, then exhaled, pointing the lit end of the joint in my direction with narrowed eyes.

“You’ve got a kid.” She stated. My heart almost burst out of my chest as my eyes widened in denial.

“Fuck that, mate.” I chuckled. “I haven’t got any children. I’m not worth trying to be someone’s father. Some unlucky lass has to fall for this gorgeous mug first though, innit?” I sarcastically as I gave a halfhearted laugh, thinking of my inability to even get a girlfriend.

“You don’t think you’re attractive?!” She asked me. She seemed truly shocked by that.

“Well, we all think we’re good lookin’ in our own right, don’t we? I just t’ink as a whole that I’m not in the general consensus for being attractive.” I explained simply.

“Nah.” She chided, ashing the tip of the joint just anywhere. I smiled small and my cheeks warmed up a bit.

“I t’ink there’s something wrong wit yer eyes!” I joked, looking into her eyes and she laughed out loud. It was a beautiful laugh; Free, light, and unbothered.

“Your turn!” She said passing the joint back to me.

“Alright let’s see…. You go to Uni.” I declared.

“Wrong.” She said, pressing her tongue to the inside of her cheek.

“Oh?”

“Nope. No school.”

“So then why are you all the way out here then?” She took a deep breath and pondered a while before answering.

“Fresh start….”

“That why yer drinkin’ whisky?” I asked.

“Why do you ask?”

“Well, I don’t know what it is to you all in the states but around here it’s a forgettin’ drink….tryna forget somethin’?” And then she froze. I’d hit a nerve. She writhed rather uncomfortably in her seat and I knew she didn’t wanna talk about something just yet. And I wasn’t gonna push her. Who was I to do that? “Hey…. we don’t gotta talk about it if you don’t want to…” I told her. She grabbed her glass and chugged half of it in one gulp. Then she shook her head and shimmied. “That’s right, darlin’! Shake off the bad vibes! Don’t let me piss ya off, yeah? I’m just bustin’ yer chops a little!” I reassured her. She forced a small laugh and fixed her hair.

“I am so sorry about that. I just… it’s still fresh and complicated and I’m still not exactly sure how to feel about it all....” She murmured. I pinched her arm gently.

“We all got complications, ain’t we? It’s only human, lass. We can talk about it went you’re ready.” I said somberly, finishing off my first drink and moving on to the next. “Subject change?” I suggested.

“Absolutely.” She said, letting out a sigh of relief.

“Okay! Well, erm…. What do you do for work?” I said. Not too intrusive and definitely no pressure.

“Um…. can’t say just yet… I’m currently unemployed…. but I want to dance. I go to a studio but I don’t get paid and I am….running out of money…... to pay for these sessions. I may have an interview Monday evening though.” She said to me, seeming to carefully choose her words but I respected it.

“Alright. Jobless dancer, I can dig it.” I said raising a glass and sipping it. She gasped and laughed, punching me in the chest and choked a bit. “What?!” I asked with a toothy smile.

“You make it sound so awful when you say it like that!” She said, twittering with giggles.

“Would you prefer Unemployed Entertainer, then?” I joked and she laughed at me.

“That’s not much better!” She said, hitting me again. A few seconds passed and she giggled again. “Ok, so it’s just a little bit better.”

“Aye! See!” I laughed.

We stayed up on the roof all night, looking at the stars, passing the Dutch; and I just blurted out ridiculous mouth diarrhea but she laughed at every word of my banter and equally matched it. It made me feel good. It lasted until we heard a mixture of voices, I peeked over the railing and saw the blue haired fella again but this time with a small, mousy brunette. “Samira?! You out here?!” He shouted. And Samira perked up at the familiar sound of her friends’ voices.

“Samira?! I swear for god, ya better answer me or I’m gonna crack yer neck and ring yer mother!!!” The girl shouted in strong Irish fire. ‘Hmm… not mousy at all.’ I thought, mentally correcting myself. I turned to the wanted lass and chuckled.

“I guess yer mates are lookin fer ya.” I sighed as we neared the end of our last blunt. She exhaled her hit and nodded nonchalantly before standing to acknowledge the two below us.

“The whole pub can hear you, bitch!” She said leaning over the rails.

“I can make it so that the whole town can hear me, bitch, shall I try?” The girl fired back and the guy behind her laughed. I burst into laughter and Samira turned to give me an embarrassed expression.

“I quite like her.” I stated simply as I stood and straightened out my ensemble. With a nervous deep breath, I undid the chain that blocked us off and headed down the stairs behind Samira.

“So yer Joe, heh?” The girl said crossing her arms, the tall Asian boy towering behind her like a bodyguard, giving me the meanest mug. I forced a laugh to calm myself and responded with a smile.

“That I am. Nice to meet ya!” I said loudly.

“Mhmm…..well. I’m Maura,” she said, analyzing my every inch with her narrowed hazel eyes. “and this here hunk o’ man behind me is Jooheon. We called him Honey.”

“Ya alright, Honey?” I grinned as polite as possible. I was met with a grunt and dark eyes.

“Only the girls can call me Honey. It’s Jooheon to you.” He sneered. Immediately, Samira punched him hard as hell causing him to double over in pain, clutching his arm. He furrowed his brows at her as he hissed.

“Stop it!” She exclaimed.

“What?!” He shouted.

“You know god damn well what, bi-”

“Oi! It’s perfectly fine, Samira. All of youse don’t know me from Adam so he’s just protecting ya.” I told her, winking at Jooheon. He seemed to burn up inside but I didn’t care. Too old to deal with some jealous boy and his insecurities.

“Well…. The crew’s a leavin’ so….” I couldn’t hear much after that because Maura turned to whisper to her friend and the only thing I could see was them giggling and Jooheon frowning. “I hope we’ll be seein’ ya again, Joseph.” Maura said, crossing her arms over her chest to shield herself from the suddenly harsh cold. She eyed me for a moment before snapping her fingers in front of Jooheon’s face, signaling him to follow and leave us alone. He stared me down from the moment he stepped away til his hand touched the doorknob. I blew a kiss at him just to be an arsehole and I got the exact irritated reaction I wanted. I laughed as Samira neared me.

“Glad to see you two getting along.” She said with obvious sarcasm.

“Besties already.” I replied. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he fancies ya.”

“Honey? Haha! Nah….nah…. We’re squad. He’s a friend.” she chuckled. The more she thought about it the more unsure she seemed. Not that I was trying to make anything hard for her…. And then it was time. Flirting was never an issue for me. It was just talking. Sealing the deal was a different story. Around this part of the process I’m about as useless as a chocolate kettle.

“So…” she began, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Will I?”

“Will you what?”

“Will I see you again?” She asked hopefully. At that moment I felt a warm comfort.

“I mean of course, darlin’....” I answered in an instant, looking down and shuffling my feet shyly. This girl turned me into a complete melt.

“Cool… I guess I’ll see ya then….” she smiled, turning to walk away. I smiled to myself and then quickly panicked.

“Oi!” I called out and she looked over her shoulder. “Can I get your number?”

“You already have it.” She said gesturing to her lighter that she totally knew I pocketed by accident. Confused, I pulled the lighter from my pocket and turned it over. Sure enough her digits were written across it in permanent marker. I grinned as I watched her walk back into the pub.

“YEAH! FUCKIN’ FUCK YOU, MARK!!” I exclaimed after she left. Then I rounded the pub and left to continue my night in town some more.

Authors Note: I’m sorry it took so long XD setting up stories are hard for me but I hope you’re enjoying it so far! Look forward to the next chapter 🥰

[lettersfromleslie]

Terrain Vague / Twists and U-Turns / Weird Decade Comin Yer Way

Ello ello ello been a while as usual, I’m sure you’ve all been just wringing your hands and tearing your hair out, wondering when I’d get around to it. Losing sleep. Missing work. Shuffling through dead woods in rags, grunting and mumbling, hairy legs, teeth... Fuck... You held up your end... And here I was just wallowing away in idleness... Laying in drink... Neglecting my Blog... The Blog, damnit, what about the Blog, the holy Blog... Alas.. Forgive? If you can? Bless, bless. How’s the life. You know. Eh? Hello. Hello.

Writing this as a kinda declaration of intent, just to kinda put myself on the hook here, & to announce to all five of you or whoever’s out there that I’m working on my Next Thing. Yes sir. Three or four songs deep into the writing process, seven or eight left to go. It’s early stages yet but I’m feeling good about things and whenever I turn the tap on stuff comes out, so it feels like all I gotta do now is push meself to keep it running. I gotta admit most of 2019 was pretty dry creatively, consumed with a lot of Personal Shit, playing house, goofing around and exploring and living life. I did fill up a lot of dollar store cassettes with a lot of meandering synthy crap, got some fun skills out of it… Got better at my instruments, got better at recording and producing, and got my mitts on some gear… But if I’m honest with myself I reckon most of it was sorta up in the clouds, you know, riding the brain train. Fun, but without the release of action it leaves ye feeling a bit grotesque and insubstantial, like eating a lot of candy floss on an empty stomach....

Here, but check this out. “Terrain Vague”: a term coined by Spanish architect Ignasi de Solà-Morales, to describe the ragged abandoned places in cities that serve no purpose, snubbed by developers, crumbling away behind clapboard or chain-link fences. Or as he puts it in a more general way, “An empty, abandoned space in which a series of occurrences have taken place.” Now, I don’t know about you, but for whatever reason I’ve always loved these places, loved having them around, feel a sorta mystical thrill exploring them. Mr. de Solà-Morales reckons that my good feeling comes from the freedom these places represent, exemption from the pressures of usefulness or productivity (web of the pandemoniac spider), and that for this reason arty types such as myself like to “… seek refuge in the margins of the city precisely when the city offers them an abusive identity, a crushing homogeneity, a ‘freedom’ under control. The enthusiasm for these vacant spaces - expectant, imprecise, fluctuating - transposed to the urban key, reflects our strangeness in front of the world, in front of our city, before ourselves.”

Oh, I like, I like, I like! He knows me heart! Before this phrase came along you can bet I’d already been embracing the strange and the imprecise, I’d been been rejecting them abusive identities, humming along in sympathy with things that exist outside of time, you know, on my bike... Damn good to hear someone else say it! And what a nice name he picked. I happened on the phrase “terrain vague” in a totally unrelated way, too, total fluke, reading William Burroughs’s Cities of the Red Night, which came out before senor de Solà-Morales ever came up with any of this stuff... Anyway, Burroughs dropped that phrase at some point and it seemed really charged and, oh, vibey, ya know... So I googled it quick, “terrain vague”, figuring it must be from a poem of Rimbaud’s or Verlaine’s or whatever … Well, anyway, when I googled the phrase, this wholly unexpected meaning came up and - ooh! There it was, that wonderful rush when you see a thing put into words that you’ve often felt but never expressed. Because terrain vague is my fucking zone. The whole summer I’d frittered away in riding my crappy fluorescent green $50 single speed bike (I love it, I love it so much) around East New York, the Rockaways, Broad Channel, Crown Heights, Jamaica, Ozone Park, the Hole, not even sure what I was enjoying so much bout it, and here was the connecting theme - terrain vague! Yessir! That’s the thing I was feeding on without knowing the name, chasing the dragon of lost-in-time oblivion-bliss. I’ve talked about it on here too, that happy ghost feeling, and I’ve often talked about the idea of living outside of the machine, free of the spider… That’s it! Damn good to see someone give a name and a value to that feeling, the anonymous freedom and heightened reality in these places left behind by activity and productivity. So I’ve been excited to explore this forgotten happy-ghostly side of existence through my music. It seems there’s plenty to work from. The house we wound up living in out here seems to kinda straddle the divide between the homey Brooklyn vibe and terrain vague. Like in Stalker. Playing house on the cusp of the zone. I like to think of it that way, anyway. We’re at the top of a great tall hill, surrounded by crumbling railway infrastructure, a giant 19th-century graveyard, dead ends, stray cats and raccoons, hawks, cop helicopters, used car lots - even a monastery, as if the nuns know where to find the closest spot to heaven (look up the “thin places” of Celtic mythology). 

So yeah, the location fits. So I reckon the album will be called Terrain Vague and I’m hard pressed thinking of anything that’ll change my mind on it. I just gotta write the songs to go with it... Subliminal, blurred, imprecise, spooky... Hazy and faded ambience overlaid with murmurs like a tape that’s been recorded over too often. Maybe it’s a sign of the times that I’m looking where I’m looking, too tired of the negative mirror of the zeitgeist - but I’m not going to analyse it too deep. Above are some pics I snapped on film, badly, trying to catch that haze. I’ll get the hang of it. Ariel’s better with the analog stuff. Anyway, life goes on. I got piles of material I’m sitting on, boys and girls. Hit me up and I’ll sneak ye a peak. Only cost ye yer souuulll, chilluns.

[mandysxmuses]

For any of the lads: Harnesses an ancient power. Volatile. Black hair, green eyes. A wildcard and untamable, but undying devotion if anyone gets close enough to her. Blinded her friend in one eye.

“I like meself some wild cards. Sounds like she could handle a lotta danger! Does she like mostly blue pirates wit’ a love of rum? I’d take care of the lass, if she’s not a siren. Th’ ancient power part is sendin’ siren vibes over me seas. Better not be a siren.”

“... She’s not getting close to me, but I would like to see that power in action just so I can say I killed her.”

“I mean, if she can get me outta this cage, I wouldn’t mind learning more. She sounds interesting, and I’m not really interested in ‘taming’ anything -- I can’t be tamed myself.”

[mclennunf]

In My Life - Part Nine

Dr. McCartney

John had passed out on the couch, and had now been sleeping for 11 hours. My pager had been going off the hook, but after almost every single one I would receive a page from Dr. Epstein or Sadie saying someone had covered it. That drove me absolutely nuts, I hated not knowing what was going on with my patients and even more so, what was going on at the hospital. John had told me he would never let me go if I let him in, and then proceeded to lay down and pass out on the couch before I could answer, leaving me speechless. I had carried him up the stairs to his bed, and slept on the couch myself. Now, I walked around the sitting room admiring his little knick knacks. John had a whole wall strictly dedicated to his books. It was an entire wall of books. It made me smile to myself, because I knew there was so much more to John than what meets the eye.

George: The hell is going on mate? Sadie won't tell me.

I ignored George's message, respecting the privacy of John and the orders of Dr. Epstein. I looked around the room some more, finding a few framed photos. One was an old black and white, which I assumed was John's Mother. She was absolutely gorgeous. Another photo was of John and Sadie. It looked like they were sitting in the pub that John had taken me to on my first day. John was sitting on a bar stool with his head flung back, laughing. Sadie sat on his lap, laughing hysterically as well. I smiled at the photo, it showed how much love the two had for one another. It showed that John could be a happy man, and that he was just struggling right now. I began to think of how I came into John's life at such an odd time. He was rocky, and up and down. I had been there for him during the bad times, and had also helped him realize the reason he was not very successful with the birds. I had been staring at the picture of John and Sadie for quite some time before I was startled by a voice. "Lovely night, that was." I quickly put the photo down and spun around, clutching my chest to find Sadie standing in the doorway of the sitting room. "Bloody hell, you scared me." I sighed when I realized it was her.

Sadie walked over to me and put her hand on my forearm, grabbing the photo of her and her best friend. "This is the John I know." She said quietly. I nodded, unsure of how to respond. She set the photo down and sat down on the couch, gesturing for me to sit down next to her. "How's the hospital?" I asked, realizing how much I had been itching to get back there. I lived for the art of doctoring, I lived for saving lives. "Not bad. It hasn't been too exciting, nor busy. How's John?" Sadie asked, she obviously had been holding that question in with so much difficulty that she had been bursting at the seams. "He was drunk. We talked a few hours, then I took him to bed and passed out on the couch meself." I explained, hoping that was satisfying enough for her. "You can go home, if you'd like. I can stay here with him." Sadie offered. "I don't particularly want to leave, but I know you two need some time. I can respect that." I nodded as I spoke, knowing she needed to get some things off of her chest as well as knowing John needed to have his best friend during this time.

"I'll swing by the hospital." I said, almost smiling at the thought of being back in that building. "No, no, no. Dr. Epstein gave me strict orders to send you home." Sadie shook her head back and forth. "Bloody hell, he can't keep me away from my soddin' job. I have patients." I furrowed my eyebrows. "I know." Sadie said, checking her watch. "Actually, you know.. It's nearly 3pm. Dr. Epstein won't be back to Sgt. Pepper's until tomorrow morning. He's got meetings." Sadie smirked, knowing fully that I would take full advantage of the opening. I stood up and straightened my clothing out. I looked toward the stairs, knowing John was up there sleeping. I felt an ache in my heart because I was about to leave him again. I hated that. "I'll take care of him, Paul." Sadie said in a hushed tone. I nodded thankfully and kissed her cheek. "I'll see you soon. Let me know if you need anything." I told her before heading out the door, making my way back to the hospital.

Jane: So, Dr. Sgt Pepper McCartney is too good for me now?

I read the message as I stood outside the front entrance of the hospital. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I'd seen Jane. I felt a twang of guilt shoot through my body. But as all doctors know, the hospital comes first. I walked into the hospital and felt almost every pair of eyes on me. Word on John being on leave must have spread, but I wasn't quite sure why I was being stared at. I went upstairs to where my patients were and checked on them all. "McCartney!" I heard Richard behind me. I smiled and waved at him. "How's Dr. Lennon?" He asked, leaning against the wall beside me. "Thanks luv," I thanked a nurse as she handed me the test results to Mr. Desmond's tests. "How should I know?" I tried to chuckle as I focused my attention back to Richard. "Ah come off it. We all know you're his lap-doctor." Richard tried to joke. It felt nice to have my spirits lifted by a friend. "Am not. Not my fault I'm a better doctor than you!" I joked back with him. "Lovely day though, isn't it?" Richard said as we began walking toward the coffee machine behind the nurses station. I nodded, smiling in agreement. Richard and I chatted, discussed diagnosis' of some of his patients that he couldn't quite catch, and he told me about his life. We laughed and actually had a good afternoon. I began to feel as though things were looking up for myself, just based on Richard's positive attitude. I knew John still needed some more work and some more help, but at that moment I truly felt happy for myself. Richard was a good colleague. "Thanks mate." I smiled as I looked at him. "For?" He looked at me with his huge blue eyes and a puzzled expression. "Your positivity makes me feel better. It's contagious." I laughed, watching a smile grow across Richard's face.

"I guess I should go talk to Mr. Desmond." I said, remembering the test results in my hand. Richard nodded and waved as I walked toward my patients room, a smile on my face. But, even a positive mood and positive vibes passed along by a colleague can be ruined simply by somebody handing you a chart. I stood at the end of Mr. Desmond's bed, with a sunken heart and crushed soul. "Do you have any family, sir?" I asked softly. Mr. Desmond chuckled. "No. I was married twice, divorced one and one died. Wrong one died.." Mr. Desmond responded. I felt a small lump in my throat as he spoke. "Look, sir. You have something called systemic amyloidosis. It's in your liver now, but it will eventually shut down all of your organs. There's a treatment, but it is extremely invasive, and at best it will just give you more time." I told him, watching the expression on his face fade to absolute disgust and sadness. "Thank you for everything Dr. McCartney." Mr. Desmond tried to smile. "Do you need some time alone?" I asked, trying to respect the man. Mr. Desmond could only nod, as he watched me stand up and head out of his room slowly.

Richard stood at the nurses station, with a very obvious sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry." Richard said as I leaned on the counter, burying my face in my hands. "Crazy how much emotional whiplash there is working in a place like this." Richard went on, trying to get me to speak. I nodded, with my face still buried in my hands. "I do what I can." I sighed, trying to remind myself of the rush of saving a life. They were two extremes: Giving someone a death sentence and saving someone's life. As a doctor, you just had to hope to God that you saved enough lives to make it easier when someone wasn't going to make it. "There's always going to be days like these." I tried to smile. "You're doing just fine, Paul." Richard touched my shoulder before walking away, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Almost on cue, my phone vibrated.

John: I'm sorry if I said anything amiss last night. I do remember what I said before I fell asleep though, and I meant it.

I read the message at least six times over, feeling my stomach fill with butterflies. I couldn't focus on John, though. I was already scared he was getting in my head to much. I was a doctor, that was all I was and that was all I wanted to be. I locked my phone and slid it back into my pocket.  "Dr. McCartney?" I heard a posh voice come from behind me. I spun around and was quickly met by the piercing eyes of one Dr. Brian Epstein. I was shocked to see him due to the fact that Sadie had reported he was going to be gone until the next morning, and because I knew I wasn't suppose to be at the hospital under his orders. "H-hello, sir." I managed to stutter the words out. "Why are you here?" Dr. Epstein asked, cutting to the chase. "I needed a break from Jo-, Dr. Lennon, sir. There is only so much I can do as his resident." I lied through my teeth. "I wanted to be back here with my patients." I added a touch of complete truthfulness. "He's my best doctor, you know." Dr. Epstein's face softened as he began pouring himself and I cup of coffee. "Black?" He asked, pointing to the cup. I nodded and thanked him as he slid the cup in front of me. I checked my pager, realizing it had been getting quite late. The sun was most likely already down.  

"Not very busy tonight." Dr. Epstein was trying to make small talk. "No sir. The emergency room is seemingly empty, just working with the patients that have already been admitted." I told him, blow on my hot black coffee. "Is he okay?" Dr. Epstein finally asked as I sat down in the computer chair next to him, observing my floor and the patients within it. "Well, he wasn't great when I was with him last night. I left this afternoon, so I don't know how he's doing now. Sadie would know, though." I told him, starting to actually feel comfortable talking to the man who was in charge of the entire hospital. Dr. Epstein sighed,  resting his head back on the chair. "That man. He will be the death of me one of these days." He tried to chuckle, but I knew that he was serious. "Be careful, Paul." Dr. Epstein said. The use of my first name startled me. "Of?" I asked, nervously. "John." He chuckled. He actually chuckled. "What does that mean?" I asked, almost a  little too snarky.

"He is very independent, Paul. You may think you're working your way in, but he will push you away and pretend you were nothing more than a spec of dirt on his shoe to him. So, I thank you for helping me put him back on his feet, but I'm also warning you. Don't fall for his tricks."