#i’d even go as far as saying a better gift than maxine alderton

[suggers-got-dingled]

I can’t believe it’s taken me a whole ass week (!!!) to find the right measure of words to say and yet I can only think of two and that’s thank you.

It’s not as though I can sit the lads down directly (although at the moment there’s a different two words to say to a certain RH because that emotional damage is intractable and I will never forgive js) so all my gratitude is being spewed here instead. My little online space separated from the real world. The place I can unapologetically be the inane and overemotional idiot I am without judgement (or at least I hope to think so lol).

I know I’ve never been the conventionally ~popular~ tumblr user. I didn’t have my groups chats or people waiting for me to come online (blame my anxiety) but I had welcomed freedom and rapport with a bunch of strangers who started to feel like proper friends. And then there is my irl friends. My best friends. My soulmates. The ones I couldn’t live without and the ones I would have been missing in every fibre of my being without the existence of this epic soap ship.

It’s absurd for some to assimilate - which I guess is why I’m pouring my little dead heart out on the platform I feel total acceptance - but this fandom literally changed my life and me as a person. You don’t want to know what goes on in my head sometimes but every weekday at 7pm and beyond was a chance to block those nasties out. I could forget my health problems weighing me down and just smile and laugh and belong. The years embodying this magical and messy love story with you bunch of fellow loons was the most fun, frivolous and fundamental escapism I’ve ever had and needed and I couldn’t have asked for a more finer experience sharing the good and the bad and the damn right crazy on this wild rollercoaster ride.

I guess I’m writing this because it’s only been 7 whole days and I can already sense the slipping away. We all know there was no other option but to force the ramifications of this narrative but it doesn’t make it easier. It’s a tough challenge seeing something so unforgettably solid breaking apart and it’s even tougher not knowing how you’re going to harvest the leftovers because the inevitable is moving on and dispersing and how are you supposed to unchain yourself from a forever fence?!?

I’m trying to look at it logically. That, for me, last Friday was the satisfying ending and tragic parting which felt final and which I desired for two people still so madly and unconditionally in love. That anything after that is purely plot having to move forward. And that everything before that is an open book ready to be revisited.

The concluded chapter has closed and the show carries on without one of its leads but that doesn’t undermine what the story meant to us. They’re erasing Robert from the picture because they have to; because when an actor has gone, they’ve gone. That’s not to say it just stops being special and loses its importance. The incredible moments are still there. They haven’t disappeared and suddenly turned valueless. They happened and now it’s a matter of prolonging that because nothing has changed in that department.

Still, keeping that mentality up for weeks, months, years to come is something difficult to promise. The history of Robron stays petrified in stone but sticking around in the present of missing one half starts to feel flat and bleak. I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to hate what’s on screen. I don’t want to lose touch with this connection. I don’t want to hear it’s over. I don’t want to let go of something that’s been such a strong and significant part of my life (my attachment issues are screaming). And I don’t want to just end up disappearing without saying my piece and wrapping it up with love and positivity because I really, truly do. I love this community, I love the characters, I love this journey both they and we have been on and I love the memories it’s blessed me with.

But that’s not me waving goodbye. God no. It’s me appreciating this whilst it’s still new and echoing the fact whatever happens they can’t take away nor taint what we had and have installed internally (and eternally). I’ll continue to lurk and be active in celebrating these boys; even detaching from canon if I have to for my own sanity. And I’ll continue enjoying it with you bloody beautifully brilliant lot; even when you’re destroying me further with your talent and transfixing me with your words. (Unless Aaron starts going gooey over another fella and you revel in it, then I’ll have no choice but to disown you whilst tearing my eyes out and planning your murder. Even if you are my only and most dependable selfie validators. Soz.)

I found those two. I found my people. And I found who I’m meant to be. That deserves a thank you accolade made of gold, but instead you get this! <3