#i’d almost bring it up to him bc lately i’ve worried about myself being alone and having Urges but that’s a lot to burden someone with

[fluttersheep]

friend gave a good hug today. weirdly wish he could just. stay over for a few days and give hugs and emotional support while i go through the day normally. he’s just great at physical support and i really need that rn

[theweasleysredhair]

When Sparks Fly [F.W.]

Character: Fred Weasley

Word Count: 1891

Requested?: Yes/No

Summary: “You’re scared of fireworks?” “Scared is an understatement.” In which Fred plans a birthday surprise for his girlfriend without the crucial knowledge that she is terrified of fireworks.

Disclaimer: Gif isn't mine, credit to whoever made it

A/n: I bloody loved this request

also to the requester: I hope I got this right bc I actually adore fireworks so I had to get myself into the mind-frame of being scared of them to write this so fingers crossed I did an okay job. enjoy my love!

~*~

PLEASE DO NOT REPOST MY WORK! REBLOGS ARE ABSOLUTELY FINE! <3

+ + + + +

“What are you talking about now?” Ron asked the twins as they were chatting about something loudly.

“It’s my Y/n‘s birthday next week,” Fred announced. “And we’ve got something spectacular planned,” George grinned, folding his arms over his chest.

You smiled at them and shook your head with a laugh, “I’m kinda worried what the two of you are working on to be honest. You’ve both been awfully mysterious about it all.”

“Oh don’t you worry about a thing, love! Things are gonna take off,” Fred replied with a smirk, “Gonna have a cracking-”

“-Absolutely sparkling-“ George added.

“Time,” they finished the sentence simultaneously.

You smiled at them, hearing a few chuckles from the others as they wandered away, heads bowed together as they conspired about something or other.

“Shit,” you said as soon as they were out of ear shot.

“What’s wrong?” Ron asked as he grabbed a bar of Honeydukes chocolate he’d left on a nearby table.

You sighed, “Their plan involves fireworks.” “Don’t all their plans involve fireworks?” Hermione asked with a small smile.

“Well yes but... this plan is for me. And from the hints they’ve been dropping, fireworks are a big part of the plan,” you chewed on your lip in thought and nervously clasped and unclasped your hands together.

Harry cleaned his glasses with the bottom of his jumper before returning them to his face, “Is that such a bad thing?”

“Well... usually no. But in this case... I thought I’d be able to go a bit longer without saying anything but... I don’t like fireworks. And by ‘don’t like’ I mean I am curling-into-a-ball-and-freaking-out petrified of them,” you admitted, looking down at your hands and sighing again.

“You’re scared of fireworks?”

“Scared is an understatement. Some people are scared of spiders - Ron - some of snakes, of clowns, of werewolves. My thing is fireworks.”

“But your boyfriend is Fred Weasley,” Ron said incredulously through a mouthful of chocolate.

“Oh yeah, cheers for that, Ron, I had almost forgotten,” you replied sarcastically.

Ron smiled before shaking his head, “No, I know, I just mean... well, how have you gone this long without telling him?”

You shifted in your seat, and avoided looking at any of them, “I just... haven’t. He loves them, doesn’t he? I can’t just tell him to stop using them just for my benefit.”

And that was the truth, really. You would never ask him to stop something he loved, and him and George used fireworks a lot in their pranks and such. It wouldn’t be fair to turn around and ask him to stop.

“Well... how badly are you afraid of them?” Hermione asked, tapping her chin in thought.

“I am more afraid of fireworks than Snape is of shampoo,” you joked, “No but seriously, I’ve had quite a few panic attacks over them - bad ones. I just... I can’t help it. I wish I liked them but I’m just terrified. And now Fred is planning something for my birthday and it’s very obvious that it involves fireworks. I don’t have the heart to tell him but... my heart’s thumping just from thinking about them.”

Hermione reached over to squeeze your hand reassuringly, “I’d speak to him beforehand, I’m sure he’d hate it more to do something that scares you.”

You smiled thankfully at her, “Yeah I’ll um... I’ll try and speak to him.”

***

Your birthday arrived much quicker than you’d hoped, and you’d woken up with an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach. You hadn’t gotten the heart or courage to confront Fred about his plans for your birthday - he seemed much too excited any time you saw him - and by any means you didn’t want him to feel as though he had to change everything he’d been working on. You appreciated the effort and adored the lengths he went to to show you how much he cared and didn’t ever want him to know you weren’t as excited as him for what was to happen.

Your day went by quite normally, your friends and other students passing by to wish you a happy birthday. The only oddity was you hadn’t seen the twins all day, and it was nearing evening. The thought put you on edge, as you assumed they were working on whatever it was they’d been planning. Despite this, you couldn’t help but miss them - particularly your boyfriend - and hoped they’d make an appearance soon.

You’d just finished your evening meal when your eyes flickered to the ginger boy entering the Great Hall, a carbon copy of your doting boyfriend however completely different in your eyes.

“Happy Birthday, Y/n!” George grinned as he sat beside you on the bench and gave you a side hug, “Sorry we haven’t seen you all day, must’ve been rubbish without us, eh?” You smiled back, “Thank you Georgie! Yes I suppose it has - potions was definitely more boring than usual. You um... haven’t seen your dear twin at all, have you?”

“Ah, you wouldn’t happen to be referring to Freddie boy there, would you? I have indeed seen him and the main reason I am here is to escort you to him,” George stood you and held his hand out. You shook your head fondly and took it, allowing him to pull you up and out of the hall.

He led you down the main hallway and towards the doors of the castle, then out onto the Hogwarts grounds.

“Where are we going?” You asked as you followed the younger twin across the grass.

“You’ll see! You’re gonna love this, Y/n! Fred has been planning this for ages - with my help, of course,” George boasted as he shot a grin over his shoulder at you.

You faked a smile, hoping it was believable enough to look like excitement as you tried to hide that your heart was trying to escape your chest and you could hear blood rushing in your ears.

“George..?” You began.

“Yeah?”

Taking a deep breath, you continued on as you glanced down at your feet, “It’s probably much too late to say anything now but I really don’t like-“

“Happy birthday, darlin’!” A familiar voice interrupted you, halting your sentence in the middle. Your eyes flickered up to rest on the welcome sight of your boyfriend and you couldn’t help but smile when you saw his messy ginger hair and cheeky grin.

He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a warm hug, one you accepted instantly and happily as you hadn’t seen him all day.

George made himself sparse, leaving you alone with your boyfriend who pressed his lips to yours in a sweet kiss, making up for the fact he’d been gone all day.

As you pulled away, he immediately moved back in to kiss you again, mumbling how much he’d missed you (even though it had only been a day), before finally placing a last chaste kiss to your swollen lips. He then grabbed your hand and pulled you towards the Forbidden Forest, where you noticed lights twinkling in a nearby clearing.

He led you over, his fingers locked around yours as he bit his lip and looked at you, “Surprise, love!”

Your eyes locked on the scene, a blanket laid out with your favourite foods on top, bags of Honeydukes items sitting beside it and a pile of presents - wrapped messily in brown paper and tied with wonky bows - scattered across the grass next to the blanket. Small, glittering lights hung from the tree branches around the clearing, casting a light glow and illuminating both the food and the dozens of pillows that you noticed were also piled around.

“Thought we could spend some time together without anyone interrupting us or anything. Also got some new things we’ve been working on that I want to show you before we show anyone else,” Fred explained, nodding over to a stack of what you assumed were Wizard Wheezes products.

“Oh Merlin... this is beautiful... it’s amazing,” you murmured.

And it was. It was so lovely and thoughtful. You adored it.

Yet, as you were staring at the scene, in awe at how beautiful the fairy lights were, you couldn’t help the voice in the back of your mind reminding you about the fireworks, not knowing when they were going to go off but sure it would be soon.

Suddenly, you heard Fred chuckling beside you and you frowned as you looked over at him. “What’s so funny?” You asked nervously.

“There are no fireworks, love,” he said simply, shoving his hands into his pockets, the hint of a smile resting on his lips.

Your jaw dropped almost comically, “What? What do you- How did you- How could you possibly know I was thinking about them?”

“You keep looking around as if you’re waiting for something. Just letting you know there are no fireworks so you can relax, babe. I know you’re terrified of them so they were never part of the plan. You really think I don’t know you well enough to know that?” He mocked with a playful grin.

Your mouth opened and closed as you stuttered out, “I-I never told you-“

“Didn’t have to, I saw your reaction to the small sparklers me and Georgie made to throw around and realised then. I notice everything about you, love,” he said sincerely.

You turned to him with shock on your features, jabbing him lightly in the chest as you scolded him, “Then why in the name of Merlin’s saggy left ballsack would you make me believe your plan relied on fireworks?!”

“Just like to mess with you, love,” he gave you a cheeky grin, and you wanted to be mad but looking at him, you couldn’t bring yourself to be. Still, you tried to be as you gave him a fake glare, “Fred! I’ve been working myself up over this for days! You’re a right prat!”

However, you couldn’t help the relieved giggle that left your lips as you rested your forehead against his chest and sighed contently now you were back at ease.

“I’m your prat though.”

“Hmm, I suppose so,” you mumbled into his jumper as his hands rested on your waist, him leaning his chin on the top of your head. You stayed stood up, in his arms, for a while before you decided to speak again, “Doesn’t it bother you that you’ll probably never be able to use fireworks in my vicinity?”

Fred pulled away for a moment to look down at you, his features softening as he took in the sight of your nervous demeanour, “Honestly? I’d give up fireworks forever if it meant you’d stick around.”

You smiled wide, blushing as you hid your face again in his chest, “Don’t get too sappy on me, Weasley.”

“Me? Sappy? Never.”

“Hmm..” You hummed, unconvinced. “Just want you to know I love you more than anything, and that includes fireworks,” he said earnestly, the corner of his mouth flicking up into a small smile.

“Stop being so cute,” you grumbled.

“No can do, love, I’m the cutest!” He announced, laughing as you pulled him down by his collar. You smiled and shook your head just as your lips grazed his,

“Well I guess I can’t argue with that.”

[thebeautyoffanfics]

Hey! I always loved your writing and you actually inspired me to write some myself so I want to request if it’s alright…

Can I have Hanako x f!reader who doesn’t believe in love (this having to due with her parents never getting along). She says that it’s just a little word people say to make them feel better about themselves and it’s a waste of time.

But she can’t help but fall in love with Hanako and gets on flustered when he’s around but tries to tell herself it’s not love. Oneshot please!

Thank you and feel free to ignore if you want!

hanako x f!reader

a/n: hello hello!! thank you so much for the compliment- that’s really sweet, and it genuinely means the world to me;; but, sure thing! (ahh, the fact that i wrote a rengoku fic about the reader feeling that way not long ago- this is a topic I’m familiar with, so I hope that it makes it turn out even better? haha) thank you so much for requesting, and I hope this turns out alright!!! <333 also, if you ever want to share your writings, do feel free to tag me/let me know somehow! I’m sure they’re amazing, and I’d love to read them, should you be comfortable with it!! :DD

bro i guess this request resonated with me bc i genuinely like,,, went off. So it’s,,, pretty long- i hope that’s alright haanofnaoinf-

warnings: implied parental issues?

word count: 2,363

Love was ridiculous. It was a stupid idea. An overused word, thrown onto any situation in which you felt something other than anger, fear, sadness, or disgust. If something made you even a little happy, you’d claim to love it. If someone showed you basic human decency, you’d claim to love them.

You hated it. It made you feel sick.

It’s not like you could control what everyone else did, you supposed. So, you’d continue on normally. If you didn’t fall in love, then there was no worry about falling out of it- that’s what you figured. That’s what you told yourself. Love wasn’t real in the first place- how could such an overused word hold any true meaning? It was like a 1st grade pinky promise. It was easily broken, as if it held any truth to it when the kids exchanged a deal. No matter how much either part of it trusted the promise, it made it no more real or true.

Yep… love was best put as a 1st grade pinky promise.

Maybe not-

Still, such a strong opinion on love, an unmoving opinion, with your own “proof” to back it up… made it hard when you thought that it may be put to question. You walked near the bathroom, the girls’ bathroom, and heard a girl from your class shout something. You couldn’t tell what, but you did notice her slightly annoyed expression as she left the bathroom.

Ah, the girl who seemed to be constantly head-over-heels for boys- particularly Minamoto-senpai, you had noted. It wasn’t like he’d return the feelings, you figured. It’s not like her “love” was anything more than an obsession.

Still, you figured there must have been some other girl in the bathroom. Yashiro probably had friends- she talked to Aoi a lot. Maybe the school’s princess was teasing her friend. You pushed open the door, noticing that all the stalls were empty. The only other entity in the bathroom was… a floating, slightly-transparent boy. He was laughing, and you went ahead and assumed it was at Yashiro’s annoyance.

You sighed, running a hand through your hair. Honestly, you just needed to pee, but it shouldn’t have surprised you. Little mokke running around the school constantly, weird things happening, a boy in the girls’ bathroom wasn’t life-changing. Or so you figured.

You grumbled, making some comment you weren’t even sure you got, as you stepped into a stall. Not acknowledging him would surely be best. You were fairly new to the school, and it wasn’t like you were insanely fond of public restrooms anyway. You’d never have to see him again. Plus, if he was anything like the other supernaturals, you were sure he’d be a handful. That was your thought process, as you washed your hands, glimpsing up at the mirror hung above the sink- you caught another glimpse at him.

An old uniform. Brown, almost shaggy, hair. His eyes were amber, and rather large- the way he held his hands, you silently compared him to a puppy. Innocent face, playful eyes- almost too alive for a ghost. He turned his head, nearly making eye contact, but you continued to study his appearance. A white… bandage? Sticker? Something- stuck to his face, the kanji for “seal” written in red.

Weird.

“My, you look as if you’ve seen a ghost,” He spoke, bringing a hand to his mouth, as a mischievous smirk came to his face.

A pain in the neck.

Your eyebrows furrowed, as you looked back down, turning off the sink and drying your hands.

“Oh? Gonna pretend you didn’t see me? How cruel,”

Still, you ignored him. He couldn’t be serious. How was he so sure you didn’t simply think you caught something out of the corner of your eye? Was he messing with you, or trying to lighten the mood?

“I don’t think I want to associate with a pervy ghost,” You said, shutting the door behind you. As if right on time, the bell rang, signaling that lunch was over. With that, you made your way to class, hoping to not have to deal with any more paranormal things.

…

Unfortunately, things don’t always go as planned. As the rest of the day took it’s sweet time to pass, you sat, spacing out as you thought about that boy. He was one of the first humanoid supernaturals you had seen at the school- honestly, you half-hoped that all of them were cute little bunnies. Not… strangely eye-catching boys… how weird.

You sighed, clicking your pen, letting the quiet sound drown the teacher’s ramblings out a bit. Ca-click, click-click, ca-click, click-click.

“Y’know, people find that little sound annoying sometimes. It never bothered me, but teachers seem to be so sensitive about it.”

Jumping, you turned your head a bit, only to be practically nose-to-nose with the boy from the bathroom. Your heartbeat increased from the surprise, but you placed your hand on your chin, pretending to not have seen anything. Not only did you not want to give him much of your time or energy, but you definitely didn’t want to attract negative attention from the normal kids around you. Your eyes scanned the room, and you noticed Yashiro looking in your direction, most likely at the boy. Yes, she definitely saw him too.

“Waaah, Yashirooooo, the new girl’s totally ignoring me!” He sighed, floating over to her. She looked away as well, focusing intensely on whatever the teacher had to say. You weren’t even sure by this point, watching the two out of the corner of your eye. You stopped clicking your pen, watching as he stood behind Yashiro, leaning against her as he peered at her notes.

He glanced at you again, and you looked away. The boy, who you were now curious as to what his name could be, floated back over to your desk, glancing at your notes.

“You really aren’t paying attention, huh! Yashiro’s not much better- her page is mainly doodles. How on earth do you plan to pass like this, haha?”

You glared at him slightly, before lifting your pen, and clicking it open. Annoyed, you flipped to another page, and scribbled something down. He leaned forward a bit, looking at whatever it is you wrote.

“Leave me alone, toilet boy.”

He laughed, patting your back. “Toilet boy? What’s with all the insults, I barely know youuuuuu- plus, I have a name. I’m Hanako. School Mystery Number 7, Hanako-san of the toilet! Not ‘toilet boy’, nor a pervy ghost.”

You raised your eyebrows, writing once more.

“Wonderful. Now leave me alone, ‘Hanako-san of the toilet’.”

Days passed, and he certainly didn’t leave you alone. In fact, you grew to find yourself spending more time than you expected to with him. You assisted with supernaturals from time to time, even meeting his two other friends properly- Kou Minamoto and Yashiro Nene. You all slowly, but surely, became friends.

“I’m done wiping the mirrors,” You said, tossing the dirty rag into the bucket.

“I’m done mopping!” Yashiro exclaimed, sighing as she leaned against the mop.

“I’ve finished dusting too,” Kou added.

Hanako nodded, clapping cheerfully. “Great job, everyone! Can’t wait to see the same enthusiasm tomorrow!!”

The three of you collectively groaned, rolling your eyes. “Yes, yes, just like that,” Hanako laughed, moving his legs to sit in the air in a criss-cross fashion. Light conversation picked up, Kou talking to Yashiro, and Hanako throwing in a comment every so often. You stood, leaning against the sink, watching your friends look so happy. Hanako glanced at you, closing his eyes as he grinned.

Your heart rate picked up, and you felt your face grow warm. Your eyebrows furrowed just slightly, as you glanced away. It wasn’t the first time a little action like that made your heart go haywire. Not just your heart- your stomach, your legs, your arms. The moment Hanako grinned at you, hugged you, or emptily flirted, you felt as though you lost the ability to function. It couldn’t be love… no, you didn’t want to fall in love.

“Right, but it's getting late, guys. I should really head home,” Yashiro spoke, putting the mop up as she did so. Kou nodded, glancing over at the clock. “I’ve got to get home and work on dinner,” He said, putting the duster away, and grabbing his things.

Hanako glanced at you.

“I don’t really have any plans. I finished homework in class, so I think I’ll linger around for a bit more.”

“Alright! Be safe when you head home, (Y/N)! I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Yashiro spoke, waving as she left the room. “Bye guys! Be safe!” Kou added, leaving not long after she did. Silence filled the room for a moment, the only thing breaking it being the sound of your shoes as you made your way to the window seal. Taking a seat, you looked at Hanako expectantly.

“Well? Any more stories of the things I missed out on?”

...

“The Confession Tree?” You questioned, the other two humans long gone by now, leaving Hanako to recount to you previous adventures they had gone on.

“Yep! Yashiro and I took care of that one- it was honestly easier than most of them were. He’s still around, just nothing bigger than one of those pre-cut broccolis. The rumor was, you’d confess under him, and he’d make the feelings mutual~, buuut, it obviously got way out of control.”

“That’s so stupid.”

Hanako raised his eyebrows, not expecting such a distasteful tone of voice. “What is?”

“A supernatural forcing some kids to ‘fall in love’,” You made air quotes, before continuing, “it’s pretty gross. Love’s nothing more than some overused word. It’s tagged onto everything, and it’s basically used to make you feel better. It’s all a waste.”

For once, he was silent. Several questions began to circulate in his mind, but a part of him was… somewhat hurt.

“But what if I love you?” He questioned, tilting his head. His face felt warm, but he tried to steady his heartbeat. It wasn’t a direct confession. No, just a question. A ‘what if.’

You blinked, your face feeling warm. You understood- of course, it was nothing more than a ‘what if.’ “It wouldn’t be love. You’d be interested in me, only for the interest to go away eventually- even if it took a week. Even if it took years. Just… trust me, Hanako. I’m not the smartest person in the world, but- once you see it happen to the two people who are supposed to be there for you forever, you get the memo. It isn’t love. Never was, never will be.”

Those words you spoke… you didn’t like the fact that you questioned their sincerity. Especially when you were blushing, the boy who made you question those words looking at you with his big, rather beautiful eyes. “Or… that’s… what I think,” You added, the heat rising to your face only making you feel worse, as he blinked. His undivided attention on you- on what you said- made your heart beat much faster than you wished it would.

And suddenly, he was closer. Too close. Way too close. His eyes began to shut, as his face drew closer to yours. Your heart began to beat quicker than it had before- your face grew hotter than it already was- your eyes widened, as you silently questioned what on earth he was going.

One of his hands grabbed your wrist, and you looked over at your arm he was holding, then back up at him. His face was still close, so close you were sure you’d smell him if he still had a scent. So close he could probably feel the heat radiating off of your face, if he could still distinguish hot from cold.

“Then why is your heart beating so fast?” He finally questioned, thumb pressed against your radial artery, as if the warmth of your face wasn’t enough of a sign.

“Because- you’re… way too close.”

“But you aren’t pushing me away? I’ll scoot back if you want. I’m not a mind reader though, so just use your words.”

Your mouth felt dry. Why weren’t you saying anything? You could speak. Open your mouth and tell him to move. Take your free hand and shove him.

But… a part of you didn’t want him to move.

Hanako smiled once more, his eyebrows drawn together slightly, as if he were saddened by something. “I’m sorry that you were dealt a hand like that in life. It’s easy to look around and find all the negatives in life. But,” He leaned forward a bit more, nose nearly touching yours, “you aren’t your parents. You don’t need to follow in their footsteps. Don’t let their problems influence you so heavily to where you miss out on potentially great things. It’s okay to be sad about it. It’s okay to be scared. But it’s still your life, not theirs. If everyone’s overuse of it bothers you, then only say it when you mean it. Still, if you feel love, embrace it.”

Your eyes felt slightly prickly, as they watered up a bit. His sincerity… your racing heart. Maybe, just maybe… you were in love.

“I… think I love you, Hanako,” You muttered. You were scared. You were scared that he’d tell you he was joking- or that maybe this wasn’t love. Scared of so many things, stemming from one little word. Yet, you tried to embrace it.

“I love you, (Y/N). And nothing will change that,” He said, his smile widening. Quickly, he closed his eyes, closing the distance between the two of you. His lips were… cold. His touch was the only thing that reminded you that he wasn’t alive. Still, the warmth of his words made up for it, as you closed your eyes into the kiss.

His encouragement wouldn’t drown out the fear completely. He couldn’t take the memories away. But he tried… he told you that he loved you, so… you’d believe him. After all, you hadn’t heard him overusing the word. It only made that moment feel that much more genuine.

[ajokeformur-ray]

Hey can I get some headcanons of your relationship with your F/O parents bc y’all are such a cute family dynamic and I wanna hear more about how you all interact🥰💗

and @arianatheangelworld 

asdfghjkl; omgggg~ you’re all gonna kill me asghj 🥺😭😭thank you darlings omggg ~ 🥰🥰🥰💗 I hope that you all enjoy this, it’s always so bittersweet but also so comforting and fun to explore my dynamic with my parental F/Os and, well... isn’t that the point of it all?💖 Thank you thank you thank you for supporting and enabling me omggg ~ 💙😊

Word count: 3, 184 (holy shit I am so sorry... not😂)

It’s a quiet life, but there’s lots of underlying tensions beneath it all.

By quiet, I mean because I spend my days in my bedroom studying (not so far from reality, these relationships😂) but there are underlying tensions because no one in the household knows who Edward Hyde really is - it’s a secret between my parents and I. 

What that means is that it’s tricky for Papa and myself to spend time with one another if other members of the household are awake - as far as they are concerned, Father is my parent and so is Mama, and Papa has no part in that. So as you can imagine, questions would be raised if Papa and I are caught spending too much time together (plus, this is set in the Victorian Era, so you can imagine the scandal of an unmarried twenty-three year old woman spending lots of time alone in a room, unchaperoned, with a man old enough to be her father...)

This is why Papa and I only have our time together late into the night, when said members of the household have gone to bed and it’s only my parents and I who are awake. It’s safer for all of us that way - it protects Father and his name, his reputation and his career, which in turn protects the household members from being turned out onto the streets due to a lack of employment and this in turn protects Father’s family, who always come first.

From the moment I wake up, my parents are there. As you’ve probably gathered from previous posts, I sleep with my parents a lot so it isn’t unusual for me to wake up with one of them. Rare and special occasions mean that I get to wake up with Mama and either Father or Papa. 

Mama’s always up by five in the morning or she’ll fall behind on her chores so if she’s the one I slept with in the night, then I’ll get up when she does. She always insists that I go back to bed and that I go to sleep, but I rarely do. I much prefer to have those early hours with her so that I can help her with her chores and maybe, if I’m very lucky... I’ll get to be the one who takes Father his breakfast tray so that I get to see him early in the morning and so that I can crawl into his bed and get me some extra cuddles before I start my day.

If I sleep in with Father, then the opposite happens and I’m woken up when he gets brought his breakfast tray (7 AM on the dot!), and of course I end up getting up when he does because even though he won’t kick me out of his bed, he also knows that if he leaves me to my own devices in a soft, warm bed, I’ll end up falling asleep until noon and then I’ll beat myself up about it, so he makes sure I am awake and up before he’s done with his breakfast (and if Mama knows I slept in with Father, she’ll bring me some breakfast too!) to save me any emotional distress. 

Father always wakes me up gently... up until a certain point. He will shake me gently while saying my name, which usually gets a sleepy groan from me. Then, it’s onto talking, with his voice going from a whisper and increasing in volume until he’s just above his normal speaking level. He never raises his voice at me and we all know why. If that doesn’t work, then Father will just “accidentally” pull the covers off of me. He isn’t subtle, but he also isn’t mean about it, and if I do genuinely need some more sleep, then he will let me have that. But for the most part, he makes sure that I’m up once he is on the nights I’m in his bed.

I never ever get to wake up with Papa. It just doesn’t happen for various reasons. Firstly, because Papa’s constantly moving around like a lion stuck in a cage and he loves me dearly but not enough to stay in one place for more than a few hours unless he’s already sleeping. Secondly, because he can’t be caught in my bed or vice versa by anyone other than Mama to protect Father’s name etc. Thirdly, I may wake up to Papa crawling into my bed or easing himself in his own if I fell asleep in his bed, but I don’t ever get to start my day with Papa. Our time is night time and that has to be non-negotiable. It does upset me if I wake up in an especially needy mood, but Father and Mama will get me through the day in the meantime.

Mama likes to sneak me items of Papa’s or Father’s clothing to wear when I go to bed. She’s not supposed to but Mama is sleight of hand and I can be quick when I need to be. She and I often have silent conversations in a crowded room and all it takes is for Mama to “accidentally” make a noise, like a quick scuffing of her boot on the floor or for her knuckles to make a noise against the wooden table and I just look at her.  Mama catches my eye and then gives me A Look before she turns back to her ironing. I walk past and at the point where our lower bodies are hidden by the ironing board, she stuffs an unironed shirt in my hand (usually Papa’s) and I walk off, the shirt stowed away under my arm and then placed for safe-keeps under my pillow for the night time. Sometimes it might be one of her night-dresses, but I am comfier in either Papa or Father’s clothes.

There are so many secrets between myself and my parents which are kept from the other members of the household. Between all three of us, we manage it as best as we can, though I have no doubt that the others think we're a little odd. 😊

There are periods which are weeks long where Father is so busy in his laboratory that no one sees him. It's communication .via. letters on the stairs and that's all anyone hears from him. Mama and I worry immensely but Father's always been this way and all we can do is be patient and wait for him. He's a workaholic and he often makes himself sick from all of the working and everyone in the household knows what to do when these times arise, which are getting more frequent as Father gets older.

In especially bad times, even Mama won't be able to get through to Father. I get upset if that's the case, because if he shuts away the one person he loves above all else, it's a serious warning sign. Mama and I have a pact that if she can't get through, then I will. Father is always so protective of me, and now it's my turn to protect him. I take this very seriously, understandably so, and I wait up until two or three in the morning, so late that even Mama's gone to bed and is sleeping. I wait in his study for that time, reading one of his old medical journals, and then I go downstairs, out the back door, and into the laboratory.

It's freezing in there because there's where Father used to carry out dissections and lectures back before his illness (never canonically diagnosed but it's believed to be depression or similar) got worse, so I always take him his old smoking jacket (which doubles as my blanket when I take naps in his study). By this time in the night, Father will be so tired and sleep-deprived that he's more likely to be honest with me, and it's for this reason that I also stayed up so late - Father will assume I'm unable to sleep because I'm so worried about him, and while that's true, it's also because I know him well enough to know what time of night is best for an intervention. Yes, it's slightly manipulative on my end of things, but I am my Papa's daughter and it's with good intentions so I don't linger on this thought for too long. It won't do me any good and my Father's most important. I'd do anything for him.

I find Father where I knew he would be - scribbling in a journal by candlelight, his fingers covered in ink, his hair a mess, yawning every few seconds. A cold plate of mutton is left forgotten by his elbow, only half eaten. I'm just like him when I study so I don't lecture my Father on his bad eating habits -he and I have the same work ethic so I would be a hypocrite to tell him off for something he usually tells me off for. I announce myself by putting his smoking jacket over his shoulders. Father pulls the jacket around himself with a shiver and I smile. You're welcome.

"You should be in bed, Erika." Father frowns in disapproval and I almost want to call him out on his hypocrisy.

"So should you," My tone is sharp with worry and frustration and Father takes a moment to look at me - I never speak to him like this. "Mama's really worried about you. So am I. We haven't seen Papa for weeks, and we - " Just like always, my anger turns to upset and I move away, trying not to cry.

"Erika." I turn back to my Father and I see that he has tears in his eyes, too. He's hurting and even though he's been trying to find a cure for years, he's never been able to find one which really helps him. "I am sorry, I - my work, it is. Well, let's not discuss the details." A pause. Neither of us know what to do, even when there is no one to see or hear us. "Come here." He pats his lap and I make a happy noise, which makes him smile. I love sitting on my Father's lap - it's been something I've done ever since I was a child and it always makes me feel so safe.

I go and I sit on my Father's lap (and have a quiet cry - he knows but he doesn't say anything about it because he doesn't want to embarrass me) and he continues to work, but as the hours drag on and we both get increasingly tired, Father knows that the time for working is over. On these nights when I manage to find my Father in his own mind and pull him back with just my presence (and my very existence is a reminder of what he holds most dear), I also spend the night in his bed.

"Thank you, Erika, for..." Father trails off, but I know what he's saying to me.

I snuggle into his bed, feel my Father kiss my forehead and whisper his love, and then I sleep.

The night is half the battle - getting Father to take a break tomorrow morning will be an even bigger battle, but by then Mama will be awake and we'll work together to save Father from himself.

It's not the first or the last time, but all of us in the family have our Own Moments which require special attentions and solutions, and we love each other even harder during those times.

The reunion with Papa after getting Father to take a break from his weeks of working always makes me cry, too.

Over the years, it's become almost a... tradition, of sorts, for Papa to greet me this way after a long separation.

I could be doing anything - reading in Father's study, writing in my bed, studying at my desk - and all of a sudden, out of nowhere -

"Erika."

Whispered so casually, so quietly, but my entire body freezes. I know that voice anywhere. I drop whatever I'm doing, I tear up, and I turn, slowly...

Papa's smirking at me, a cold and calculative look in his eyes, but I'm not afraid. I'm not even nervous. Anyone else would make me step back with this look, but not Papa. No.

"Oh, my - Papa!" I step forward into his embrace and I melt into the parent I've been missing most of all. I cry, of course I do, and Papa says nothing about it (he and Father aren't so different at all, once you get to know them, though I'd never tell them that. Or Mama. It's a thought I keep entirely to myself.) because he doesn't see why he should need to; he only holds me tighter.

I can almost hear his fond eye roll and it makes me smile.

"It's difficult to understand someone who is entirely incapable of asking for what he most wants, wouldn't you agree? You're the only one he listens to," our daughter.

There is pride in Papa's voice but just like always, I can hear what he doesn't say, just as he hears what I don't say. It's just how it is between us; Papa and I have a level of understanding between us which we don't have with anyone else.

That night, Papa sleeps in my bed with me. I'm never ready to say goodbye to him, or goodnight, either. The following conversation is a nightly ritual because of this:

"Just five more minutes, Papa?"

"I'll be here tomorrow night. you know that. Sleep, child."

"But - "

"Erika."

A warning. No one else receives warnings from the Edward Hyde and lives to tell the tale. So I listen.

"Fine." I know he will be with me tomorrow night. "Stay with me 'til I fall asleep?"

Papa sighs, rolls his eyes, and pointedly lays down, watching me the whole time. I couldn't hide my smile if I tried, so I don't even bother to - Papa taught me to show my emotions and to not hide them.

"Goodnight, Erika."

"'Night, Papa. Love you."

A kiss on the top of my head, and all else fades to black.

My parents and I are very physically affectionate with one another and it's... unusual, especially if you consider the fact that it's in the Victorian Era, but the members of the household find it touching. They get hugs and affection, too! Even if they don't necessarily know how to react to it, they still do get their hugs in the morning and late at night just before they all go to bed (which is between 10 and 11, whereas I go to bed anywhere from midnight to 3 AM).

If I have a nightmare or a bad dream, I am at total liberty to climb into any bed in the house, but of course I make a beeline typically for Mama's bed. She knows nightmares well and she'll simply hold me until I feel safe, and then she'll hold me some more because I get clingy and I don't like letting go. There's been times I've cried because she let me go before I was ready for the cuddle to be over (though those times were when I was much younger) so now she just lets me decide for myself when I've had enough.

With the way I sleep with my hair in two braids, I always get a mass of tangles at the back of my head. Always. I hate it and it always makes me hesitant to brush my hair, which is now midway down my back (so I can’t not brush my hair every day), because I know it’s gonna hurt me. I’ll brush the front parts of my hair and I’ll try to brush the knots out, but it hurts so I stop and I don’t want to brush my hair. 

A part of me is always tempted to just leave it, but at the same time I know from previous experience that hair knots can and will get worse, so during these times I’ll take my brush to Mama. She’s always so gentle, not just with me, but also just in her nature. 

She is such a tender-hearted person and I admire her so deeply for that. She’s incredibly busy so typically I’ll leave brushing my hair until the evening, when she has more time to help me. I don’t always ask her for help with my hair, so when I do, she knows immediately that it’s because I really can’t do it myself.

“Mama, there’s a - I have a knot. Can you help me?”

A small smile and she goes to get her wooden comb. It’s gentler on knots than my own hairbrush, which pulls more than it needs to, and we both know it. Mama is so gentle that it barely hurts me, and within minutes she’s done what I’ve delayed all day.

“How do you want it tonight, Erika? One braid or two?”

I fondly roll my eyes - like she needs to ask. My smile is in my voice as I ask for two, and Mama and I get to spend some time with one another quietly enjoying each other’s company.

Sometimes I return the favour by helping her brush out her hair, but she’s incredibly self-sufficient and she largely prefers to do it herself. Which is fine... I’ll find other ways to help her!😊

“Thank you, Mama.” My words are doubled up with a tight hug, and then I’m ushered off to bed because it’s late and she’s exhausted.

I technically have three parents and each one fulfills a different need for me, so all together, they meet all of my needs and I try, I try to be a daughter that they can be proud of, that they can respect and that they can love unconditionally. I try so hard every day to live in a way to honour their places in my life.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for my parents. I would die for my parents, to give them a happy ending, to give them the time to be together, but in many ways... I am that happy ending, even if things aren't perfect. It's a fight sometimes to keep secrets exactly that, but we make it work. We have to.

I tell them each and every day that I love them, I hug them and cuddle them and help them out where I can, because they deserve the world.

They are my parents and I am very grateful to and for them. They have made me who I am today and they'll be with me forever, no matter where I go or what I do or who I become. I just hope that they'll continue to walk with me for the rest of my life, because I wouldn't be alive without them... in more ways than one.

[mnogorgannik]

2 10 n 11 :)

this is basically an essay im so sorry. watch how hard i can infodump (ill put this under a cut hopefully it works bc sometimes tumblr decimates the keep reading things if theyre in asks)

2. Who’s your favorite of the Bound? What do you think of the different ideologies they have? Which of the factions are you most aligned with?

WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER I AM A PETER LOVER THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!!!! oh baby i love that morally questionable architect. pretty early on in getting into pathologic (it’s coming up on a year now...) i thought about peter stamatin too hard and now i’m here. but really i find him to be such a fascinating character!

the thing about pathologic that i love is how almost every character can be as complex as you want. pathologic does an excellent job of implying a lot of character traits while only exploring some in further detail, which in some games is frustrating but patho does it so well! it consistently hints at traits and lets you fill in the details yourself. peter’s character is extremely interesting to me... and maybe a little more relatable at times than i want to admit lol.

i think i’ll talk about both stamatins though! their dynamic hurts me a lot. i’ll start with andrey bc i’ve been thinking about him lately. although i’ll bounce back and forth between both stamatins.

i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again.... andrey’s role as a protector who inadvertently hurts the people he cares about really gets to me. he is not a shield but, in his own words, a battering ram. and the problem is that battering ram has a recoil.

i have to wonder how that mentality of his came about, anyways. the implication is that it’s always just been him and peter, so did he take on that role because there wasn’t anyone else to do it?

in his efforts to protect peter from... military, i believe, he kills four people. which leads to daniil getting mistaken for andrey, which leads to daniil getting shot. and almost dying. he protects peter but to a smothering extent, peter even says he’s been suffering for ten years bc of andrey which is a LOADED line. he protects on a physical level but he kinda fucks up on the emotional.

there’s a horrible irony in peter and eva being the people he cares about the most and both attempting suicide. with eva once she’s missing he immediately goes running off trying to look for her, and . ahh i can’t remember right off hand what exactly he thought happened. but ik he was probably expecting a fight. with peter he says that after that he’ll never let peter leave his side, at least “as far as his knife can fly”... it sounds cheesy but the one thing he can’t save anyone from is themself.

and god the way andrey bases his ENTIRE sense of self worth on peter fucking hurts. they’re not peter and andrey, the architects. they’re Peter And Andrey, The Architect. (thinking about “one architect, two brothers” here.) andrey thinks he’s larger than life and all but he’s constantly living in peter’s shadow. their theatre of death positions come to mind here, with peter standing up, looking down at andrey. but andrey is on his knees in front of peter, arms limp to his sides.... separated by a wooden beam...

peter’s side of this dynamic is fascinating too. his dependency on andrey is. ow. leaving all practical matters and decision making to him... there’s this resentment (That’s Fine I’ve Been Suffering For Ten Years Because Of Him) and lack of communication that especially shows through for him.

while in p2 andrey completely crumbles if peter dies, peter doesn’t seem to care...... at all....?? which hopefully is elaborated upon in p2. he’s willing to talk to aspity about worrying if andrey is angry with him but he can’t bring it up with andrey himself. when he asks how andrey is doing he stops and says andrey is a “tough man” and can handle anything. in general, while it’s definitely there for andrey, themes of dependency are really glaringly obvious for peter.

one of my favorite peter things i’ve talked about before is still his ego!!! peter has a gigantic ego!!! he really does think that even though he’s hit the ceiling and can’t go any further he is still “a true architect” and “the rock upon which is built the stairway to tomorrow”. he has a blunt edge to him and he doesn’t ever tell you more than he thinks he needs to which i love. if he doesn’t want to tell you something he isn’t gonna do it. this is a character trait i think ppl miss which is sad because it’s so good and adds another layer of depth to him!

it really does hurt me how he’s valued for his mind alone (AHEM AHEM AHEM. GEORGIY) but it’s the thing nobody understands about him. i’m nowhere near as smart as peter lol but i do know that pain of feeling like none of your ideas can be understood because you just can’t express them the way you’d like, and then feeling like you’ll never be able to make it happen.

also, here’s a little thing  i’ve picked up on. this connection probably doesn’t exist but i’m making it because the stamatins make me lose my mind and start becoming one of those people who looks for connections in everything i guess. peter standing in the theatre of death, andrey below him. peter’s loft being at a high point in the town, the broken heart being underground. peter’s loft is also higher north on the map but the broken heart is lower south. just smth interesting

i have more thoughts on them of course! but this is all getting awfully long. i feel like i’ve only just gotten to the tip of the iceberg  even though i’ve written so much skfjskfjs this just feels quite surface level or. at least what is surface level for me who thinks about the stamatins so hard.

anyways i’ll keep my answers to the other two parts of this question quick! peter and andrey’s more creative vs practical mindsets are rly neat. especially because i would actually argue peter is a little more grounded in reality in certain aspects. not all, but certain ones...... their take on the utopian ideology is interesting. hot take: peter’s version of utopianism leans a tad towards humility. and andrey /does/ feel “straightforward utopian” but i think in certain regards? this man has a bit of a termite streak..... (hi al if you’re reading this). but i won’t get into that right now i’ve already gone on so long. saving that for later.

i think all of the factions kinda suck in their own way sometimes, honestly? although all of them are well written and have their pros and cons. were i in pathologic and i had to choose one i’d probably be a termite but everyone around me seems to think i’m a utopian. is it bc i love peter so much

10. What would you be like as a Pathologic character?

this question is a hard one! i did make a self insert once, mile-a-minute, but they’ve become their own oc by now. i think i’d be very...... very afraid...... probably isolating myself why does every pathologic character break quarantine???? also you could trade beetles with me :) thats about all i’ve got sorry this is real short

11. What is something you would change, writing-wise, about either game?

UGH i’ve been gushing about pathologic because. obviously i love this game so much. but the way it handles racism & such (in both games!) leaves much to be desired :/

i see a lot of the points it’s trying to make but i think the way they’re handled can be very messy. there are moments that work very well but. a lot that don’t. (i am aware that dybowski writes partially from his own experiences)

all too often the game “validates” the kin’s oppression and... at times paints them as oddly antagonistic? i don’t like how often as artemy you’re able to be like “i’m not one of those beasts” and i think there are better ways to touch on his internalized racism. in general the constant comparisons to animals is weird. you get big vlad who is obviously explicitly racist comparing them to animals, but then sometimes it’s like “ACTUALLY calling them animals is fine :)”

i think the herb brides are kind of. Hm. in their portrayal. also using parts of the buryat alphabet to denote an accent is weird. making odongh and herb brides inhuman is weird. connecting the kin to Magic is weird.

and, listen, i’d really like to not be playing Artemy Burakh Experiences a Microaggression Simulator every time i’m playing the haruspex route. hate that you either can’t call ppl out on their shit or if you can it ends the conversation/bars you from getting necessary information. glad you at least get to drag the vlads, i guess?

i also was talking about this but wrt peter specifically, and this issue is present throughout the game but it’s especially visible with peter, i don’t like how often you can mock him for his addiction.

he’s obviously in an extremely rough patch! being able to be just so plain cruel to him about the dependency on alcohol (and iirc in p1 hallucinogens, bc aglaya mentions it) he’s formed to cope with his mental illness & trauma just feels bad. especially because yes it is not a healthy coping mechanism at all but... it still is a coping mechanism, if that makes sense?

the way you’re able to constantly rub it in his face feels awful. peter is fully aware that it isn’t good for him and shows a desire to quit. even if he didn’t it would still be awful to say because. it’s just insensitive. like you don’t just go up to someone and keep being like HEY YOU DRINK A LOT YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WATER IS? feels really bad to keep harping on something that causes him pain and that he struggles with every single day.

however peter does have moments where he tells you Not to say that, or if you pry into why he drinks he’ll outright say he doesn’t remember you being his friend, which is better than nothing.

in p1 moreso than p2 i hate how you can be like oh he’s craaaazy he’s off his rocker he’s delusional!!!! that “why, i never... an architect of schizophrenia!” comment sticks in my mind because it’s just... so genuinely mean. especially because if i remember correctly that line is from when he’s planning on LITERALLY FUCKING BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE

i think if they were going to have all of this they should have gone more in depth on how it’s really. not good that he’s treated so poorly. and i do believe that’s what they were going for, a la the art book w/ the whole “not to be made into a drunken clown, this is a tragic character”, etc. but it just doesn’t land. i’m holding out for the bachelor and changeling routes in p2 to see if they expand upon any of it but i highly doubt i’ll be satisfied in this regard.

i stand by the One time it was really fucking funny to clown on peter being the time you can tell him little girls eat raspberries and earthworms and he just believes you

[taetaesbaebaepsae]

BTS Reaction to You Being Chubby/Thick and Being Embarrassed

Hyung Line

Aka the reaction with the longest title of all time.This got SO LONG because I have a lot of feelings about body positivity. Maknae Line coming up soon

My second and final 1000 followers reward!

Anonymous asked: Hi! I really really ❤️ you and your reactions, and I was wondering if you can do one where y/n gets embarrassed the first time BC they’re chubby/thick?

I ❤️ you too, nonalicious and I hope you like this. I'm a chubster myself so I am here for this

Warnings: smut and fluff, body worship, semi public sexy stuff, hyung line being fucking ADORABLE

Word Count: 2670

Jin

You've been dating Seokjin for around a month when things take a turn for the physical.

You're ready for it, of course, but you're also super nervous. You feel like he's out of your league, he's so handsome and charming. He never makes you feel less than him, on the contrary he compliments your appearance often.

You do note it's always things like, "your face is so beautiful" and "wow your eyes are so bright today" so you aren't sure if he's all that attracted to your body. It's been impossible to know in your past relationships if it's your own insecurities about being chubby or them until the first time, so when Jin suggests a Netflix and chill date, you're anxious when you arrive at his place.

You're not naive so you wear something casual but easy to get into, a jean skirt and black blouse, feeling a bit self conscious about your thick thighs but thinking he'd be less likely to see you fully naked this way.

When he opens the door his eyes widen a bit and you see him struggle to focus on your face, and that does put a bit of a smile on your face.

You're still a little surprised when he hugs you tight and his hands roam low on your back.

"You look absolutely delectable tonight, sweetheart," he says into your ear, and you shiver.

You walk to the couch and follows on your heels, hand on your lower back.

When you sit down he sits next to you quickly and his hand goes right on your upper thigh, gripping right where other girls had a thigh gap and you had none.

You fidget a little, feeling insecure that your thighs might feel jiggly, and he loosens his grip, turning your chin toward him.

"You okay? Am I moving too fast?"

His eyes are soft, searching your face, and when he started to move his hand you grabbed it and placed it back, but higher, just below your black lace panties, maintaining eye contact.

He drew in a sharp breath and attacked your mouth, kissing you hungrily and nipping at your bottom lip.

"We skipping the Netflix part of Netflix and chill?" You ask breathlessly when he pulls back.

He nods enthusiastically, tongue darting out to wet his lower lip.

He kisses you again, moaning low in his throat and you end up with your head resting on the arm of the couch.

He puts his hand on the button of your jeans and you stop him.

He looks at you and cocks his head.

You smile weakly at him. "I just feel a little...exposed?"

He smirks at that and unceremoniously pulls off his tshirt.

"Does that help?"

Your mouth drops open at his wide expanse of chest and broad shoulders, but you shake your head when he goes back to your skirt button.

He makes a frustrated sound in his throat.

"I really want to taste you, princess, and I can't do that with this skirt in my way. Let me see you? Please?"

Your mouth has gone dry at his words and your voice comes out in a croak.

"You might not like what you see."

He scoffs. "Impossible."

"I'm not...thin. My thighs aren't as toned as I'd like them to be and I've been meaning to work out but-"

You realize you're babbling and he's frowning down at you. You feel a sinking feeling as if you've just ruined everything.

"You're worried about your thighs? These thighs?" He gripped one in his hand. "The ones that made me weak in the knees that time you cooked breakfast for me in those short shorts last week?"

You feel a smile forming on your lips.

He forgets about your button and shoves your skirt up roughly. He groans and shakes his head, eyes focused on your thighs and the transparent black lace covering your sex.

He scoots backward to kiss them, wet, open mouthed, and licks a long stripe across the fabric of your underwear, making you gasp.

Instead of continuing, though, he covers your body with his own, rocking his hips into you.

"Do you feel how hard I am, princess? Seeing your gorgeous thick thighs I that little skirt did this. The second I saw them I wanted you so bad I couldn't think. Can I please see them? See all of you?"

When you nodded, he smiled and kissed you, more sweetly this time.

(You had purple bruises tracking across them the next morning, and a couple weeks later when you announced you were going on a diet, Jin whined so loud you held your ears. "I don't want you to lose one ounce, princess. You're perfect, you know, and you shouldn't mess with perfection. Take it from me.")

Yoongi (Suga)

You'd thought that you'd be nervous your first time with Yoongi because you were sure you'd have time to think about it and overanalyze your outfit and every interaction.

You were nervous when it finally happened after three weeks of seeing each other almost every day, but it was more nervous that you'd be arrested.

The night had started innocently enough, with dinner and drinks, but an hour and a half later you find yourself with your skirt bunched up around your hips in the backseat of his car.

You weren't quite sure how your innocent peck on the corner of his mouth to thank him for dinner turned into this, but you aren't complaining.

Yoongi wasn't much for compliments but you'd caught him staring at your cleavage or your legs more than once and he'd only smirked at you when he realized he was caught.

He'd never made a snide comment about your weight or anything like that, but you'd seen pictures of his ex and she was a twig, so when he tried to tug off your shirt, you put your hands on his to stop him.

Yoongi looks around the parking garage and then back at you, tongue flicking to the corner of his mouth.

"No one's here, doll, c'mon. Your tits in that top have been driving me crazy all night, lemme see."

"It's not that impressive," you mumble.

Yoongi clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "I'll be the judge of that, yeah?"

He tugs off your shirt and you let him, covering your stomach as best you can.

His eyes are on your breasts, though, and you relax when he pulls them out of your bra and takes your nipple in his mouth, arching your back and letting out a moan.

"I've wanted to do this since the first time I saw you, you know," he says when he pulls away. "You were wearing that black shirt that's almost a crop top and every time you lifted your arms I could see just a peek of your skin. It made my mouth water."

"You remember what I was wearing?"

He scoffs. "Of course I do. I thought about asking if you wanted to hook up," he smirks at you when you hit him with the heel of your hand.

"But when I said hello and you gave me that 'go to hell' look, I thought, oh no, a guy could fall in love."

You can't help but smile. "Well, I'll be happy to test that theory."

"Too late," he quips, kissing the corner of your mouth. "I'm already smitten."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Very," he says solemnly. "Crazy about you. Dare I say whipped?"

"Oh, no."

"Oh, no, indeed. I can tell you're uncomfortable, but if I take you home, will you let me kiss every inch of you? Please? I'm dying here."

He gestures to the bulge in his black jeans, pouting, and you laugh and nod.

(He drives home at a snail's pace because you keep palming him through his jeans and kissing his neck and he all but drags you into his bedroom when you arrive. He makes good on his word and you're covered in purple marks from his mouth, almost from head to toe, but especially your waistline, right where your shirt would've ridden up the day you first met.)

Namjoon (RM)

When you show up at the party Namjoon invited you to, you were already nervous to meet all his friends.

You opted for a short sundress because it was majorly hot that day, and you tried your best not to adjust the way it clinged to you.

Namjoon was cuddly and affectionate the whole afternoon, introducing you to each of the boys with a proud, dimpled smile, and you found yourself having the time of your life, fooling around with the boys by the pool.

Namjoon had gone inside to get more snacks, and Jimin heaved a deep groan.

"Why are we out here sweating when we have a perfectly good pool right here?"

He ripped off his shirt and backflipped into the water unceremoniously and the guys followed suit, trying to outdo each other.

You weren't normally bold, and hadn't thought to bring a swimsuit, but with 6 cute boys cajoling you and the sweltering heat, you thought, fuck it, and stripped off your sundress, revealing your matching teal bra and panties and leaping into the pool.

You blush at the whoops and whistles of the boys as you come up, but you feel good.

When you heave yourself out of the pool a little while later and start wringing out your hair, Namjoon appears with a towel and a frown.

His demeanor changes on a dime and he's quiet and moody, shooting glances at you but barely talking to you.

By the time the guys start to say their goodbyes to you, you're fighting back tears.

You had been dating Namjoon for almost a month and he'd never once seemed like he even recognized that you were chubby, but now you worried that he was ashamed to have a fat girlfriend.

When his eyes follow you as you walk across the living room in a towel after you're alone but he still doesn't speak, you snap.

"I'll put my dress back on so you won't have to look at me. I'm sorry I embarrassed you. I'll just go."

He's on his feet in an instant. "What? Embarrassed? Why would I be embarrassed?"

Your eyes shoot to his. "You've been acting weird ever since I jumped in the pool. I'm sorry my body isn't perfect, okay? It was just so hot..."

Namjoon made a noise somewhere between a chuckle and a groan and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Baby, you've got it all wrong. I was far from embarrassed. I was just....annoyed at the guys because they couldn't stop staring at you. It's the first time I've seen you like this and I guess...I didn't want to share the view."

"You're not ashamed of me because I'm fat?"

Namjoon's mouth drops open and he shakes his head, taking your hands in his and giving you an appreciative glance up and down.

"Ashamed? Of this? No, baby. I'm proud and a little territorial, that's all."

You can't help the smile that breaks over your face and you throw yourself into his arms and kiss him. He groans when you hook your leg around his hip, trying to get closer.

"Oh my God, you look like this and you're flexible, too? Baby, don't tease me, I've been trying not to get hard all afternoon."

You kiss his neck before you pull away and smirk at him.

"Who's teasing?"

(His hands are all over you, skimming over your skin before he grabs a handful of your hip, ass, breasts. He can't stop touching you and he does his level best to kiss every inch of you, too, open mouthed. When he's finally inside you he praises you the whole while between breathy moans, telling you how he wanted to bed you over the kitchen table the moment you walked in and how lucky he was to be with such a goddess. You never doubt that he's proud to call you his again.)

Hobi (J-Hope)

Of all the men you've ever dated, Hobi was the most vocal about praising your looks.

"Look at my girl," he'd crow when you wore a dress out, "legs up to her neck. I'll be the envy of every man there, gorgeous."

He was always extra affectionate ehem you were in public, hand on your thigh during drinks, arm around your waist while waiting to cross the street.

When Hobi made a big deal about your one month anniversary, planning a night out, you went all out, wearing a daring cutout dress you thought you'd never have the confidence to wear before.

He made you feel beautiful despite what you considered extra weight, and so you wanted to reward him (the dress).

You met him at the restaurant, tottering nervously in your black stilettos. He's already sitting at the table and he stands when he sees you, his mouth dropping open.

He lets out your chair with a low whistle in your ear that makes you giggle.

After that, though, he's not nearly as handsy as usual, almost quiet, and you get more and more self conscious.

When he opens the car door for you after dinner, he clears his throat when he accidentally brushes your thigh with the back of his hand as you get in.

You feel almost dejected.

He sits in the driver's seat for a moment, all nervous energy, drumming his hands on the steering wheel.

"This dress is too much, huh?" You say nervously.

Hobi nods vigorously, and your heart sinks.

"It's way too much! I'm having such an internal struggle right now!"

You feel your bottom lip trembling. "What do you mean?"

He looks at you, having avoided your gaze most of the night, and his dark eyes are flashing, almost hungry.

"I feel like if I don't touch you I might explode but if I do touch you I might end up getting arrested for public indecency because I won't be able to stop."

You can't help but giggle as he friowns at you.

"It's not funny, babygirl. You're trying to kill me, I swear."

You keep laughing. "Take me home and then you can touch me all you like."

A smile breaks across his face.

"Really? Are you sure you're ready? It's only been a month, I know, but I promise I'll be good to you-"

You cut him off by grabbing him through his dark jeans and he lets out a low curse.

He has you laughing the whole way home.

"Aish, if I had known you were so naughty I would have tried this two weeks ago. I'm getting hand cramps from having to do it myself thinking about you in all these killer outfits you've been wearing, you tease!"

Back at his place you don't make it to the bedroom, he starts trying to tug off your dress, kissing you hungrily before the door swings shut.

You get a little nervous again. "I know I need to lose some weight, so don't be disappointed, okay?"

His eyes soften immediately. "What are you talking about? You've got the most delicious body I've ever seen and I am salivating waiting to see the rest of it. C'mon, gorgeous, I'll show you how much I love the way you look."

(In the bedroom, he turns on every light there is despite your protests, and when you complain about the stretch marks on your stomach and hips, he kisses every one. He's so vocal during sex, moans and curses. "You make me so hard. Your curves are sinful, it's not fair!"

After the first time, he's never not touching you in public, and he brags endlessly to the boys about how gorgeous you are when you come to a pool party in a two piece suit.

"I know you're all jealous, but Y/n is mine. Eyes off her gorgeous body, you losers.")

[phoebehalliwell]

What do you think about PiperxCole? I feel like it is the only ship with Cole that has potential to be endgame Because she is stubborn enough and she would be ready to turn a blind eye to all his wrongdoings if it's necessary. However, I'm absolutely sure that all four sisters deserve better than Cole. I know I wrote about PaigexCole last time, but I never suppose this relationship would last)

i mean out of all four potential couples, i feel like piper x cole really rank last in like the x factor y’know like there’s no special spark between them. i think the only time they really came close was in the seven year witch with like the whole  you always were the smart one. cut the crap. and direct. i miss that… actually no, i don’t. but even then, there’s just always the deep baked indifference towards each other. like both prue, phoebe, and paige all felt very strong emotions all across the spectrum towards cole. piper always seemed just unbothered by him, so i really can’t see that developing into any form of passion.

that being said, if it were to play out this is how i’d do it: piper picks dan over leo and leo moves on to new charges and leaves the charmed destiny forever. and piper’s happy. for a little bit. but she’s still dancing around this magic thing and it’s clearly putting a strain on their relationship and both her sisters are like you have to tell him the longer you wait the more painful the blow so piper prepares a seven course meal and writes a full speech and dan’s like okay What is Happening and piper’s like I’m a Witch and dan’s like okay What does that Mean? and piper throws up a glass in the air and freezes it above their heads and Dan Is Terrified. so he’s like i need u to respect my distance here because i definitely need time to mull this over and piper’s terrified bc she’s convinced she’s ruined everything and between you and me, she sorta has. dan has this specific vision of him settling down in the suburbs with a white picket fence and two point five kids and he thought he saw that with piper but he really can’t see that with a witch. so piper’s alone. again.

but then there’s this new guy. a da. who’s single, smart, endowed employed, a man who loves sleeping in on sunday, sunset bike rides, cuddling by a roaring fire and late-night talks. a man who loves love as much as she does. but piper can’t, she’s been too hurt by leo, by dan, she can’t fall blindly again. but cole’s already put so much effort into this persona that he’s unwilling to switch to some other sister. so he acts patiently. he won’t be a boyfriend first. just a friend. who’s there, who understands. and it’s strange, but he finds himself caring for piper. there’s something about her that just believes in love and fairy tales and happy endings so wholeheartedly, and cole scoffed at it first, writing it off as childlike delusions, but it’s not that at all. piper’s a grown woman with two feet planted on the ground who still believes. and cole finds himself starting to believe too.

their first kiss is after coyote piper. cole was at the reunion as piper’s guest, and he witness that whole fiasco, and, unbeknownst to piper, also knows that she almost died that night. so piper’s back at the club cleaning up after the reunion and cole walks her and her face is like so beet red. and cole’s just like. that was uhh some night wasn’t it? and piper’s just like yep! it uh that yeah that is um yep! and cole just laughs softly and piper finds the knot in her chest coming undone because it’s clear cole isn’t looking for some big explanation for the night. so he helps her clean up and they two talk and cole definitely has a thousand and one opportunities to kill her but he figures he since she almost died earlier that night he’ll give her a break. just this once. he doesn’t even remember what he says that makes her kiss him. he does remember the kiss itself. it’s tentative, but it doesn’t feel scared. it feels like a wish. a wish that maybe he feels the same way. he kisses her back. barely above a whisper, piper mutters please don’t hurt me. she’s not asking him, she’s asking the universe. she’s asking that he doesn’t leave her, that she doesn’t screw it up like she did all those times before. cole’s heart breaks.

so now cole has to do some introspection because despite everything he’s ever learned, despite everything he’s ever done, he really really doesn’t want to hurt piper. he knows that another heartbreak like this would break her, so much hurt in so little time, and he fears it might shatter her belief in happy endings and in true love. and the belthazor part of him is like oh what a bummer a dead witch doesn’t believe in true love anymore god what a loss but cole really just can’t bring himself to doing that to piper. he won’t. but he doesn’t know how to make that jump, how to switch sides, how to choose her over evil. sure, maybe with the protection of the charmed ones he could stand a chance, but he can’t get that without first exposing himself as a demon, and that would hurt piper too.

piper can tell he’s growing distant and all her old fears are creeping up on her again and she’s convinced it’s something that she’s done and she’s bouncing off the manor walls like fuck jesus fuck i’ve done it again because i can’t be happy because all i do is screw thing up because that’s how my life is i will never get a moment of happiness and her sister’s are all like no, sweetie, it’s just a misunderstanding, this is all a misunderstanding, i’m sure he’ll come around, he loves you i can tell and piper’s all like okay whatever actually i can’t take this anymore i’m going to drown myself in work i’ll be at the club if you need me please don’t need me byeeeeeee but uhh joke’s on her she’s at the club inventorying when cole shows up. and cole doesn’t know what he’s gonna do. part of him wants to come clean, part of him think he should just try to drug her with a memory potion and then run away to start a new life in cabo. he’s flying by the seat of his pants. they stumble through some awkward beginning of a conversation before piper freezes him. or, at least, she tries to. and cole just holds very still. yes, he wants to tell her the truth but being like oh yeah the freezing thing doesn’t work on me because i’m an upper level demon but don’t worry! i’m not trying to kill you anymore because i’m in love with you just feels a little too flippant. so, when piper throws up her hands and he feels like soft thud of the magic, he holds still.

oh and piper goes off, man. she like screams into a dish towel and just then turns to him like Tell Me What You Want, Man!!! Oh my god! just tell me! tell me. is it me? it’s me. i know- just. just tell me! just tell me what we’re doing here, because i need to know because i love you and it Terrifies me. so just tell me. tell me you don’t love me so i can get this over with because it hurts to goddamn much to sit here and chit chat- and cole’s like reeling it’s so much information all at once and he might explode from trying to keep a straight face when a figure shimmers into the corner of the club and gets ready to hurl an energy ball at piper. cole acts before he thinks, diving over the bar to knock piper out of the way of the blast. piper’s in shock, and tries to pop her head over the bar to see what just happened and almost gets hit by another energy ball. she panics and freezes the demon only to have an energy ball fly past her, hitting the demon square in the chest, vanquishing it. she turns around to see cole behind her, hand still in a throwing position. she can’t form words. cole looks at her. i’m sorry. and, uhh, for what it’s worth: i love you, too. he shimmers out.

piper freaks out. like she Freaks Out. Like Freaks The Fuck Out. but uhh long story short she keeps calling him and they talk through it yada yada yada they don’t make cole human and they don’t make cole the source and a wedding via holy matrimony cements cole’s place in good the end :)

[acest-of-them-all]

So now story time bc today is the day I became extremely sure I am asexual

So. Let's go waaay back to when I was a kid and had no idea there was other sexualities than straight. Obviously I assumed I was gonna have a boyfriend sometime. I didn't really think about it, though. It wasn't relevant because I was a kid and I had other worries like what will I play with my friends during the breaks between classes.

When I was about 13-14, I had discovered the fact that there were not only straight people, but also gays, lesbians and bisexuals. I was like hey, girls are nice, I would date a girl as well as a boy. So I labeled mhself as a bisexual. Now, I hadn't had any real crushes(I now have realized), only a few people I had taken interest in, so I didn't really know how attraction to another person felt like.

When I was about 14 years old or when I was turning 15, I wasn't so sure about my gender anymore. I didn't feel good in my body, and I hated it so, so much. I had more knowledge of sexualities and genders, so I began to wonder, if what I was experiencing was me being transgender. I was kind of suspicious though, because the feeling came so late, and not as a child already. But I knew that the gut-wrenching feeling that made me want to throw up I got when someone called me a girl, was very real. I was convinced I was a transgender, and I was fine with that. It still hurt though, when after two years of feeling horrible dysphoria with my body I told my mom that I was pretty sure I was trans, she still would address me and my sister as "girls" when talking of both of us. I never got the chance to tell my father, though. At some point, I realized that I might not be able to go through the surgeries, as the places I could do that were quite far away, and I didn't know how expensive it was gonna be. Soon, I was fine with that, too, because I realized that my discomfort in my body being female was fading. I was so confused. I had felt like a boy for the last two years and now I suddenly felt like wearing more makeup and dressing more femininely?? I was like huh. I was a fake after all.

At the same time I started to realize that I didn't feel the desire to become close to people. I thought I was somehow incorrectly developed, that it would come to me later, so I didn't really pay attention to it.

Now, in the spring, this year. My first year of vocational school was almost over. We had photography, and I was sitting at my computer on my phone, because I had already edited all the photos I had taken and nothing else to do. There was this guy, that I knew my friend knew, sitting at the computer next to me. He wasn't in our class(he was on his second year). He asked about what we had been doing, which I found weird, because I didn't know this dude, but I just awkwardly answered him. We conversed for a while, and he offered to show me how the studio lights and flashes work. I accepted, because yeah, I had nothing else to do. Well. He showed me how they worked, I was quite awkward all the time, and he asked about stuff. One thing he asked was if I had ever kissed anyone. I obviously hadn't, so I answered no. He asked if I wanted to try. I was confused and I kind of panicked so I accepted. I was tense and nervous and confused, and he told me to relax and close my eyes. I slapped my hand over my eyes, because I couldn't bring myself to close them, I was so nervous. I was just standing there, tense as hell, as he kissed me. Or tried to. It didn't go well, as I kept my lips tightly together and I was panicking. He told me I had to relax, to which I repeatedly told him that I wasn't capable of that. That was followed by him letting it go and us both apologizing for making things awkward. The whole thing was like straight out of a fanfiction. Except that if it was a fanfiction, I wouldn't have been an already suspecting ace, I would have magically been able to kiss him back and we'd have banged in the studio. Yeah, no. I didn't really see him after that, which I was pretty relieved of, because now I wouldn't have to deal with awkward shit! At that point I was almost completely sure I was ace and aro, because I didn't feel like romantic relationships were really my thing and the idea of me having sex with someone, to be completely honest, disgusted me. I had also found a term that I felt like it fit my gender: genderfluid. My preferred gender tends to change quite slowly, I can feel really feminine for months, or really masculine for, apparently, years. Sometimes it's one of those, but in between happens too. Currently I am leaning a little bit on the feminine side.

Anyways. This fall. Summer was over, my second year of school started. And I get to live alone, which is super awesome! One day, after like two weeks of school, the guy texts me(we had exchanged our numbers back then), asking how I'd been. We talked about stuff, it was casual and cool. He's pretty nice, since he likes memes and listens to good music. I told him that I lived alone, and he joked about coming to ruin my peaceful isolated life. I was like yeah, you can come over sometime if you want to, because sometimes some company isn't too bad. The next monday he came to hang out, and it was cool. We listened to music, showed each other memes and all, and I was relieved it wasn't awkward(I had done research on the internet on how to carry on with a conversation before he arrived lmao). Then he left and everything was well in the kingdom. A week or two went by, he would occasionally text me and yeah. It was cool and I was like whoa did I manage to make a friend.

Until.

The day before yesterday(saturday). He texted me like usual and asked if I wanted to hang out on sunday, but because I wouldn't have had any time, we agreed to hang out on monday. A.k.a. today. And then he asked if I still couldn't kiss. And I was like ooohh nooooo, and said that no, I can't because who the hell would my ace ass I have been kissing? He was like well do you want to try on monday and internally I was like WHY??? DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW AWKWARD IT WAS??? And because I figured that the sooner he realizes I'm a hopeless case, the sooner he leaves me alone with the kissing stuff(and because my idiot brain is like BUT WHAT IF YOU'RE A FAKE ACE??? WHAT IF YOU DO LIKE IT HMMM?!? and I wanted to be sure), I was like uuuhhh sure I guess. I warned him that I was most likely going to be awkward as hell AGAIN, but he just told me to "relax and enjoy". Which confused me because I simply do not see the appeal of having other person's tongue shoved down your throat, but I let it be.

So he came over. We conversed for a while, then browsed memes again(which meant we were both sitting on my bed). Soon he was like sooo about the kissing and I was like oh god oh god what do I do, so my brain switched into "scientific experiment" mode, and I was like yeah, I only need to think of this as an experiment on what kissing feels like and everything would be fine. So he told me to get in his lap and I was just confused as hell and was like uuhhh do I have to like do something, to which he answered that not really. And then he kissed me. And his tongue was in my mouth. It didn't taste like anything, it felt weird and I was just kind of trying to not be too awkward, trying to somehow respond to it. He asked how it was and I was like weird, not the most unpleasant thing but nothing special either. And we ended up lying down and kind of cuddling on my bed, which was okay. I was just making random comments about like how babies have more bones than adults and at some point I was like do you wanna take a nap, naps are nice, to which he agreed. It wasn't a nap though. He kissed me some more and yeah. At some point though he had to leave, so he did. And that's when it really hit me. I felt really unhygienic and weirded out. I still could taste his tongue, which is why I brushed my teeth twice in a row. The taste wouldn't go away! I ate, and I noticed I was terribly aware of my own tongue in my mouth. I could still smell his deodorant or whatever it was, and now it wasn't even nice anymore, it was disturbing and overwhelming. I couldn't even drink from my bottle normally because of the way it feels! I brushed my teeth one more time and put my clothes at my window to air out, I don't want them to smell like him. I went and scrubbed myself under a practically boiling shower, I think I've never been so thorough when showering. I'm still confused. Why do I feel so disgusted and unclean, when clothes weren't even reduced? Apparently it doesn't need much. But if mere kissing makes me like this, I can't even imagine myself in even a slightly more intimate situation. Just, no. If he wants to do that again, I gotta tell him that kissing definitely isn't my thing, maybe just straight up tell him that I'm asexual. At least now I'm sure about it lol

[sweetcatastrophex]

okay it’s time to record my thoughts. lately i’ve been feeling, not myself? idk i’ve been irritable and short with jake, giving him attitude, and he’s rightly upset and i think i’m projecting my worries onto him. it wouldn’t be the first time i’ve projected my anxiety.  this monday was the deadline for the biggest issue of the year and i was in production until 1:50 a.m. (my work day began at around 8:30 a.m.) i’m so relieved to be done with it, as well as the annual guide. between that and election coverage i’ve been feeling stressed (as i do around this time every year bc of election coverage. remember a couple years ago when i had to see a few doctors and have tests done bc i was feeling lightheaded all the time and having panic attacks? lol yeah). and a few nights ago i had a work-related stress dream. maybe i’m feeling burnt out? what else is new. but maybe i’m feeling burnt out bc i’ve taken zero days off this year bc of the pandemic and bc my company restricted our PTO days and i couldn’t attend my annual festival/camping trip bc it was canceled. i always looked forward to that trip not only bc it’s fun and exciting, but bc it was an opportunity for me to unplug / take a break from work and regular life and be immersed in nature and creativity and fun activities, all without worrying about work or my social life bc i have no phone service out there. i loved going off the grid for a few days, experiencing new things and meeting new, interesting people.  but that’s just it — i’ve been feeling like my creativity has been quashed. it’s funny, or ironic, bc you’d think now that we’re stuck home all the time i’d have time to pursue certain creative projects i’ve pushed to the side for so long, but no. by the time i’m finished with work i’m drained and exhausted and end up eating dinner and falling asleep with jake. i haven’t even had a sex drive...these past couple of months i’ve experienced the longest period of time i’ve ever gone without sex lol. wtf. i hate how my anxiety and worries manifest in my body physically. with that being said, i’m extremely grateful for my yoga practice and meditation (s/o calm app for being my meditation coach) bc it makes it manageable. without it i think i’d be lost, hopeless; a mess. i’ve been writing down things that i’d like to do or try in an effort, somewhat, to manifest them. things like cutting my hair even shorter and dying the ends blue, getting a tattoo on my arm, moving to florida, enrolling in yoga teacher training, trying hip hop dance classes, trying pole dancing, trying aerial yoga and lyra hooping... sometimes i feel like i’m gonna explode and spontaneously move and restart my life. i almost feel caught, trapped. i’m also experiencing discomfort each time i think about changing jobs. i’m concerned about the transition from journalism to PR — am i selling out? am i giving up my integrity? what if i don’t like the position and my duties? what if it doesn’t pay enough? it’s so expensive to live around here. i genuinely don’t understand how people afford it.  not to mention all that is going on in the world. the injustices i see every day are sickening and disturbing. this country has grown unrecognizable to me. when my generation was growing up we were told relentlessly how great america is and now we are watching all the dirty lies unfold before our eyes. i often wonder about Netflix’s role in the media, the way it has been exposing certain people and organizations. but that’s for another post. it’s all become so much. i get overwhelmed easily. and as an empath, i feel deeply for all of the people harmed and can’t help but cry a lot of the time. and lately jake has been putting on a docu-series about a man who manipulated women into joining a sex cult and who’s blackmailing them and it keeps reminding me of my abusive ex and triggering me. and he puts it on right before we fall asleep... which leads me to: i’ve been experiencing these weird jerks/twitches as i’m falling asleep which 1. isn’t new and 2. is normal. but still. i believe (and studies suggest) it stems from anxiety. it helps when i meditate before going to sleep but i usually meditate in the mornings.  i often watch youtube videos to learn tips about how to become more productive. i feel like i have this obsession with productivity — i tend to feel useless if i’m not productive. maybe that’s what brought me to work in public service / why i’m in the field of journalism. idk but i do practice self-compassion if i’m not productive. at least i think i do. i want to make some changes in my life. i want to bc i feel like i’m living the same day over and over again, always resulting in failure — i wake up somewhat late, slowly get into work, procrastinate, stop working, get high and play video games or go out for drinks, then go to sleep late bc i’m feeling like i could still tick some items off the to-do list or bc i’m self-sabotaging bc i didn’t get enough done. then i have trouble waking up early (i’m coming to terms with the fact that you gotta go to sleep early to wake up early). i’ve tried reducing the number of tasks on my lists... i think what i need to do is start waking up earlier. but for me that’s a big undertaking. i’ve always been a night owl — growing up i’d keep notebooks under my pillow for my late-night thoughts and poems — it’s when i’m most creative. but i just feel a shift. i’ve been reading and learning so much about people who are “morning people” and how they’re so productive, having accomplished so much before the clock even marked 10 a.m. so i want that. if i wake up earlier i’ll have more alone time (so! important!) to get things done. at least that’s what i’m telling myself.  which brings me to another point and then i think i’m done venting lol this was a much-needed journaling sesh (still got my ~physical paper~ daily journal and to-do list journal, in addition to my work notebook😂 and my new planner/organizer from youtuber muchelleb just came in! lol). alone time is so important to me. and i have had none of that lately lol bc i’ve been living with jake. and don’t get me wrong, i absolutely love living with jake and his dad and my fur babies morty and bailey (a long-haired chihuahua and a maltese, respectively). morty is the light of my life, my prince, my love. but i almost sense a loss of identity bc i haven’t been spending time in my room — my own space with my own belongings and decorations, etc. i also kind of miss seeing my family but don’t at the same time (i enjoy my mental health being stable). and also don’t miss my cluttered house that my parents refuse to clean and declutter. i can’t possibly think straight in a cluttered environment like that so i’ve been extra grateful for being able to stay with jake these past few months. idk how i would’ve been able to work and eat (somewhat) clean otherwise. so in conclusion, with the good comes the bad. it’s a balance. don’t they say you can’t have sunshine without a little rain? or something like that. there’s things i’m grateful for but there’s also things i recognize need changing. it’s time for action. i’m hoping i’ll feel back on track once i purchase and install a new bed frame with storage in my room. one positive that this “quarantine” time has brought is that jake and i have been overhauling my room — removing things, cleaning, rearranging. the energy is different. it’s time to finish the project, then maybe i’ll feel more apt to stay at my own house more often, once my own private space is ready for dwelling. i think some time apart would do me and jake some good. they also say distance makes the heart grow fonder. ;-) 

[radlizzard]

Rant

So I've been off of my depression meds for two months (all three of them) because I can't afford them (no insurance). I've been smoking a lot more (even though the heat and my asthma already make it hard to breathe), I've been drinking almost every night, and I've been triggered lately and feel like my eating disorder is becoming a problem again; even though I haven't engaged in any disordered patterns or behaviors in months- until recently. I feel really worried about my health, especially my anxiety and asthma. I feel like I can never get a full breath and I'm always so indecisive and freaked the fuck out. My heart is always pounding, but is it because of my tachycardia, being fat, anxiety, or all of the above? I don't fucking know But then I feel self-absorbed for even worrying about my health... A huge part of me feels like it's no big deal and I just feel this way in order to get attention..?? I feel so confused and stupid. Plus I'm mad that I can't go back to school until I pay all of my bills I'm behind on & everything bc I don't have a working laptop or internet at the house, and my overdue loans prevent the university from me continuing my education (can't take more courses until I've paid all balances). And yeah that seems like an obstacle I could handle if the library in my town was fucking open every day so I could go do my work there. But then again is that just an excuse I'm making? I don't think so, bc I really miss being in school. I've worked too hard not to finish. Only 20 more credit hours and I'd have my bachelor's degree. Work also stresses me out. Money is such an issue, and my credit is fucked. I'm trying to get a second job too but it's hard sharing one car so I can work the one I already have and Jacob also needing it to get to his job. Plus, my job is so fucking depressing. I know I should be thankful to even have a job and thankful for having a roof over my head, but then would I be invalidating my own feelings? I feel like I don't have a purpose. I'm a cashier at a fast food restaurant... What good am I doing to change the world? Nothing. I'm treated like shit by my boss and greedy, fat ass customers who just want to gorge themselves on the fattening shit we sell. I'm tired of working my ass off at work and my boss giving this girl (who of course is her favorite) a promotion and raise to $9.50 an hour when I've been there longer and she got it by kissing ass. I'm tired of her cutting mine and everyone else's hours- except her favorites of course- because she wants to make payroll to get her bonus. Meanwhile we're fucking understaffed. Three or four people in the whole store, that number includes me... When the employee handbook clearly states that there should be nine people in the store at all time. I'm tired of making $7.75 and when asking for a raise to $8.00 an hour (which took so much courage and swallowing of my anxiety) being told that "Well you met standards, and I can't give you a raise for just meeting standards." Bitch I exceeded standards! I'm the only cashier who finishes all of my shit an hour early so I can go help the cook and shift leader with closing, while still taking customers' orders. I'm the only one who's not a manager and knows how to cook, do prep, open and close, check payroll, do end of the month, and other shit. I'm tired of dumb asses being on their phones when they come to the drive thru, or snatching shit out of my hand and treating me like shit. The other day a bitch dropped her change and said "just give me change out of your drawer, you can pick up the change off the ground when I pull off" and when I told her I didn't have drawer keys, she cussed me out and asked to speak to my manager. I'm tired of being ashamed that I work at a fast food restaurant (bc I have so much more goals and aspirations than this). I'm tired of feeling like I don't make a difference in this world. I'm tired of feeling like a waste of space and a waste of personality. I'm tired of myself. I'm so fucking tired of being who I am. I'm ashamed of myself. I hate that I get so emotional over stupid shit that I should be able to brush off. I hate that I'm such a mouthy bitch who gossips just like everyone else. I hate how I look, I hate how much weight I've gained. I hate that I don't have any clothes that fit me anymore. All of the clothes in my closet only fit me when I was underweight and sick. I hate that I'm feeling sorry for myself instead of being productive and self-motivated. I hate that every emotion that I feel is so overwhelming. I hate that I feel like every small inconvenience is the end of the world. It makes me feel like a fucking brat. But my emotions do overwhelm me, and everything does literally feel like the end of the world. I hate that I have to choose between buying my medicine for the month or buying food. I hate my family's passive aggressive bullshit, and that I feel guilty when I feel even slightly negative towards them. I am tired of feeling guilty. I'm tired of being the bad guy. But what if I'm not and I'm just playing the victim here? I don't even know, I'm so confused. I feel so alone. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel so guilty. I feel so selfish. I feel fucking crazy. I want to believe that I'm a good person. I want to believe I'm a responsible person. I want to love myself. But how could I love myself with all of my flaws? That would be selfish. And yeah, people say that the key to loving yourself is being able to accept your flaws. Well I can't fucking accept them. I'm a spoiled brat. I'm a fucking whiner. I am disgusted by my need for attention, and what desperate measures I'll go to for that. I feel disgusted for being confident in my work ethic, because someone said I was bragging. I hate that I'm always trying to chase a buzz, that I can't handle being myself. So now I'm chain smoking outside alone, when I know I should just go to bed. But I'm wide awake. Why do I keep smoking when it's already hard to breathe? Like wtf is wrong with me. I'm drinking too, which is always fun in the beginning but feels miserable when Jacob goes to bed and I'm alone. Even when he's awake I feel anxious. Bc I never know what to say and when I try to start a conversation it's always about lame shit (like work) that brings him down. He's depressed too, and I don't know how to help dig him out of that hole when he gets stuck. I hate that I think I'm smart, or some kind of fucking intellectual when I didn't even finish college. I hate that I sound like a know-it-all, in conversations when I'm really just trying to prove to others that I'm not stupid bc I'm insecure. Fuck, I hate depression.

[the100imagine]

Imagine: A Shot In The Dark.

Requested by Anon and minidecalibre Includes: Jasper Jordan x Reader Requests: *a jasper x reader where jasper and the reader has been friends for a long time with jas and monty and monty knew abt the readers crush and vice versa but jas gets in a relationship and doesnt find out abt he reader until theyre almost dead? thank u! * Jasper jordan imagine you are kane his daughter and jasper bumbs into you when you are ln duty and kane sees that

Note: Okay so I decided to put these two together even tho they aren't even, like, similar. I just thought that bc the first one has been done similarly before—and I'm going to be honest there aren't many ways of changing it up—that I would put them together somehow.

I know I have a bunch of requests that my dumbass/lazy ass still hasn't gotten to yet, I just lost motivation in writing *cue the worlds smallest violin* and I'm hoping I have some now seeing as I'm (for some fucking reason) writing two new stories for my Wattpad like the idiot I am.

ANYWAY let's see how this goes.

Update at 12:35am after finishing; LONGER THAN EXPECTED. 

    Down on Earth, you were known as Kane and Kane alone. Nobody bothered to learn your first name considering you were related to Marcus Kane, and they just figured that you would be a clone of him. But as time went on—and they observed you—they learned that you were anything but like the man that locked them up. Although you never honestly cared that much about what they thought, it wasn't like you could pick your family or at least who your parents were.

    Only two people were dumb enough to take you under their wing, and they were Monty Green and Jasper Jordan. Ever since you landed on Earth—and supposedly had been forgiven for all crimes committed on the Ark—you started a new life for yourself.

    In a way, you tried to distance yourself from the man who referred to himself as your father, although, that was difficult when you shared the same name. Not only that but when the war against the Grounders had ended and the Mountain Men kidnapped the remaining delinquents, the slim chance of possibly seeing your father—if the Ark ever made its way down to Earth—had decreased even more.

    The clothes that the Mountain Men had given everyone were nice, but they didn't feel right. They weren't yours, it was wrong. Dante had given the remaining delinquents access to some parts of the mountain, so it was very limited with the places in which you could go and relax by yourself to just think. But you found a corridor that appeared empty and quiet, so you slid down the wall and sat with your back pressed against it, your eyes trained on the bricked wall in front of you.

    "There you are." Monty sat down beside you. You didn't even hear him approach you. Although considering the fact that you were close to a bomb when it went off, it would explain the slight hearing problems.

    "Here I am." You shrugged.

    "What are you doing out here by yourself?" He questioned, bringing his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs.

    "Thinking."

    "What are you thinking about?"

    "My dad and myself."

    "Miss him?"

    "I don't know. I just didn't think that..." You paused, trying to think of a better way to phrase how you were feeling. "I knew, in the back of my mind, that the chance of seeing him again was next to none, you know?" He nodded. "But some small part of me, the part that will always and forever be the little kid who looked by up him, hoped that I would see him again."

    "I get it, it's like me and my mum. I miss her, but I knew I might not see her again when I was put in the Sky Box."

    "It just sucks that they won't find us."

    "Why'd you say that?"

    "Well, I doubt that Dante, and his men, would keep us alive long enough for our parents get to Earth. Or if they're already on Earth, long enough that they get here to the mountain."

    "Keep us alive?"

    "Haven't you noticed we're going missing one-by-one?"

    "That's not true." He shook his head slightly.

    "Where's Harper? Because the last time I saw her was when we went to Dante's office."

    Monty stayed quiet for a minute. "You're right, I just thought I wasn't in the same room at the same time as her."

    "No, Monty, she's been taken. For what? I'm not sure. But I don't doubt that it will be long before we find out ourselves."

    "You're kinda for freaking me out right now."

    You let out a small chuckle at the irony just before a frown made its way to your face. "Why aren't you with Jasp?"

    "He's with Maya..." The expression he held on his face was pity and sadness.

    Of course, Jasper was with Maya. He was almost stuck to her hip as of late, and it was beginning to become annoying. You couldn't really be angry at him though, it wasn't like he knew you were harbouring feelings for him. But it still stung that he chose her, a girl he's just met and barely knows, over someone who was there for him through thick and thin. A sigh left your lips as you rested your head back against the wall, staring at the bright hanging light on the ceiling.

    "Sorry...I know how much you like him." He winced slightly, almost forgetting that you liked Jasper and that would have been a sensitive subject for you.

    "Yeah, and I know how much he likes her."

    Suddenly the phrase 'speak of the devil and he shall appear' happened to be quite literal when both you and Monty turned your heads to the side when you heard Maya and Jasper laugh loudly, holding hands together as they walked down the corridor. You looked down to your hands, picking at the broken skin of your sore knuckles, a soft sigh leaving your lips. Monty turned his head to look at you, once more his expression was pitiful and sad.

    "Sorry." He mouthed as the two 'love birds' approached.

    "Hey, guys," Maya's happy and cheery voice had you suppressing an eye roll.

    "Hey Maya," Monty greeted.

    "Vie." You nodded at her, only using her last name before looking at Jasper. "Jordan." You gave him the same treatment, hoping that the feeling for him would go away if you stopped acting like you cared.

    "Kane," he replied with a confused smile, a small chuckle escaping his mouth—obviously confused at the surname passing your lips instead of the usual 'Jasp' or 'J'.

    "What are you guys doing out here?" Maya questioned, leaning her body against Jasper, her left hand holding onto his upper arm and her right was entangled with his left. "You know, they're serving chocolate cake in the mess hall, right?" It was so hard to hate her when she was so kind.

    "Oh, really?" Monty stuttered out, not liking the thick tension around your body aimed at Maya. "Well, maybe we should go get some, right Kane?" He stood up, holding the wall behind him. Jasper obviously noting something was off.

    "Well, I'm lactose intolerant so..." You started in a quiet tone before Monty yanked you up off the floor, waving goodbye to Jasper and Maya, pulling you away from them.

    Before you both left the corridor, you heard Maya, "I hope she's feeling okay, she seems a little down."

    Then Jasper. "Yeah, maybe." Although he voice was uncertain.

    "Monty!" You whisper-yelled at him as he continued to pull you through the corridors. "What the hell was that?"

    "I thought you were going to smash her head into the wall if she said another word, so I thought for best measure—hoping Jasper wouldn't see you murder someone—that I dragged you away."

    You weren't expecting that. "Smart thinking."

-

    Monty had been sitting on your bed, at the opposite end, chatting with you while Jasper was MIA with Maya. Everyone else was in the mess hall doing something, but you just couldn't be in a room with Maya and Jasper any longer. You swore that if you had to hear the giggles that Maya let out every time Jasper nuzzled his head into her neck or said something before poking her sides you would have set the whole place on fire.

    "Did you see that they were serving fried chicken in this place?"

    "What?" You laughed at his obsession with the food.

    "I've never had it, I mean that's a given, but, it's just so good. I would honestly live off of it."

    "Have fun eating grease."

    "Oh, I will." He laughed before he leaned over, glancing around before raising the level of the music.

    "What's up?" You asked, knowing that he was going to tell you something he shouldn't know about.

    "They've taken someone else. I don't know who. But yesterday, when you said about Harper being gone, I stayed up later than everyone else and I saw that there was another empty bed."

    "They're getting sloppy." Somehow you doubted that they cared if they were found out.

    "They're getting dangerously close to taking one of us next. It could be me or you. Even Jasper. Aren't you going to have more of a reaction?"

    "Monty...We were sent down here to die. I was almost murdered eight times back at camp by the other delinquents just because I was the kid of Marcus Kane. He's all I have in this world...Well, technically outside of this world. I'm losing hope of survival every time I wake up in this place."

    "So, you don't care? If you're taken, I mean."

    "In all honesty?" He nodded his head at you. "I'd be glad."

    "What? Why would you be glad?"

    "I won't be getting murdered by my friends, or murdered by my own father out in space," you started. "I'll be murdered by people who wouldn't have ever cared about me in the first place. I find peace in that."

    "You're just weird."

    "If I'm next, at least now you know that I'll be okay with it, you won't have to worry about me."

    "But I will worry about you." Monty stared at you. "I'm pretty sure Jasper will freak out."

    "Please." You scoffed. "I doubt he even remembers that I exist." You shook your head, picking at the frayed ends of the shirt you were wearing. "He probably wouldn't even notice."

    Monty frowned at you. He wasn't sure what these people were feeding you, but it wasn't the same as what he was having. You seemed different, even more so than usual. Maybe you knew something he didn't, but he doubted that because you tell him everything. You even told him how you thought you were in love with Jasper, which was a big secret between the two of you. You turned the music down a bit just as the others began to enter the dorm room.

-

    When you woke up the room was dark, it smelt different to the usual dorm room. For some reason, you weren't able to move your body. You struggled against whatever it was that was keeping you from moving, only to hear the sound of metal clinking together and the sound of leather stretching. Your eyes struggled to adapt to the darkness, but you tried glancing down to your arms, only to see legs of a table.

    You soon realised that you were face down on a medical table, strapped down in harnesses keeping you from escaping. A groan left your lips as your forehead stung. You weren't sure how long you had been out for, but your neck felt sore, almost like you had needles pressed against your skin. The searing pain began to get worse and worse as you came more around and aware of your surroundings.

    A scream left your lips as a face came to view. It was Cage Wallace, Dante's son. "Well rise and shine, it's only been a couple of days, but at last we're finally ready for your bone marrow."

    "What?" Your voice was panicked.

    "Oh, don't worry." He shook his head, shuffling his feet as he continued to crouch down to see you. "You probably won't live for much longer, so the pain won't last for long," he spoke as if it were no big deal.

    "Why are you doing this?" Tears built up in your eyes.

    "We deserve to live on the surface, it's where we belong."

    "Well find another way!" You yelled, struggling against the holds.

    "Oh, no, no. We've found that the delinquents bone marrow is a far better treatment for us. You see while you were in space, your bodies adapted to filter out solar radiation from the sun, therefore the radiation down on Earth means nothing to your mutated cells. While the Grounders—you remember them, don't you? Well, the Grounders, they just didn't do an as good of a job as you kids." He poked your nose with a smile. Clearly deranged.

    "Please..."

    "Please? You want me to get started?" He assumed. "Of course!" He stood up. The sound of a drill started up.

    "No!" You screamed. "No, get me out of here! Monty! Monty help me!"

    "No one's going to help you, they're all tied up. Well, Monty isn't. He's not here." You weren't sure what he meant, but that made the tears fall down your cheeks faster, your screams turned to pained sobs as the drill pierced the skin of your hip bone. A loud deafening scream erupted from your lips as the drill continued to the bone, extracting your bone marrow, painfully.

-

    When you woke up, your body was on a different medical bed. This time you were able to see everything around you, even though it was through blurred vision. The cave walls were surrounded by the remaining delinquents, including Abby and your dad. You were pretty sure you were hallucinating as a pained laugh fell from your bloodied lips. Of course, he'd be the last thing you'd see before you died.

    "Ready for another go?" Cage placed his hand on your forehead, his other on your thigh as you saw the Mountain Men with drills crowd around you.

    "I'm already dead." You grinned weakly at him. "I can see my dad, I'm already dead so you can go ahead. I'd rather be dead than have my dad actually watch me die."

    "Oh, but he really is here!" Cage grinned back, brushing the sweaty strands of hair from your forehead. "So, really, he is watching you die. How's this for a family reunion?" He laughed before he stared at you, a menacing smile on his face as your eyes widened. He clicked his fingers at the men before he stepped away, his hand leaving your forehead, letting the men begin the extraction once more.

    "Dad?"

    "I'm here, we're going to get you out of here."

    "How?" You asked over the sound of the drill.

    "We have a plan."

    You laughed weakly once more. "Some plan this is." Another scream burned your throat as the drill went into your thigh, your body tensing and struggling against the restraints. The pain began to increase, becoming too much as your vision darkened until there was nothing there, and the feeling soon faded into nothing.

-

    You weren't sure if you were dead. You wouldn't be upset if you were. But a tent ceiling was above you when you woke up once more. You tried to sit up, but hands pushed you back down gently. You looked over and saw Abby smiling a teary-eyed smile at you, stroking your hair back from your face. You furrowed your eyebrows. Were you back on the Ark? But she wasn't on Earth, she was on the Ark still. Was all of that just a dream?

    "Welcome back," she spoke soothingly as she sniffed. "You scared all of us, you wouldn't wake up for days. Then those days turned into weeks. Those weeks turned into a few months." She picked up a damp cloth, dabbing your face. "I sent your father away so he could shower and eat something, he'll be back soon."

    "What happened?"

    "The Mountain Men tried to take your bone marrow. But Clarke had a plan." She nodded, trying to hold back her tears.

    "C-Clarke's alive?" Your voice cracked, your eyes threatened to spill with tears as you tried to sit up, looking for her, a tiny smile almost touching the corners of your mouth.

    Abby looked shocked at your words, Clarke never mentioned that you had been friends, so your reaction wasn't what she was expecting. "Yeah, yeah she is. Along with Bellamy, Raven, Octavia, Monroe, Murphy."

    "Finn?" You raised an eyebrow.

    "He didn't make it."

    "He's safer now." You nodded. "Just like Wells."

    "So are you." She told you, a single tear rolling down her face. "You're awake, you're alive. You might be weak but you're alive!" She whispered at the end, a proud look on her face.

    "Is Jaha here?"

    "Yeah, he's here. He stayed on the Ark for his people to live, but he came down so his people could survive."

    "Touching," you spoke quickly, almost without emotion. "Does he know? About Wells?"

    "Yeah, Murphy took him to his grave. He also went to somewhere called the City of Light."

    "So, who's the Chancellor?"

    "I am."

    "Okay. Am I allowed to sit up, Chancellor?" You smirked.

    "But right now, I'm your doctor." She chuckled a bit. "And of course, you can, just carefully."

    When she helped you up, you saw Monty rush in. "I eavesdropped," he admitted when Abby was about to talk. "I couldn't wait. I know your dad was probably the second person who was meant to see you, but I got excited."

    A small smile reached your lips as you nodded to him, Abby stepped back for you two to talk, saying she was going to go see Raven, while Monty stepped closer. "Hey," you spoke softly.

    "You're alive."

    "So, I've been told. How are you?"

    "Tired. I couldn't sleep, the thought of you never waking up again put me off the idea."

    "Sorry about that."

    "We're safe now, though."

    You nodded. "Is everyone else—?"

    "Yeah. We're okay. Fox..."

    "We'll meet her again, someday. Somewhere better than this place." He nodded in response. "And Jasper?"

    "Heartbroken." You raised an eyebrow. "In order to save our people, I had to switch the fans letting radiation into the mountain. Clarke and Bellamy pulled the lever. The Mountain Men didn't make it," he told you, but you said nothing. "Maya died."

    You gulped, looking down at your bandaged legs. "She didn't deserve that." You shook your head. "If they had used my marrow on her, maybe—"

    "You'd be dead."

    "Maya wouldn't be, and then Jasper would be happy. She shouldn't have died, Monty."

    "I know, but it was the price we had to take, we couldn't just let all of our people die for Maya to maybe live. Besides, they would have taken Jasper at some point."

    "This isn't fair," you mumbled, shaking your head.

-

    Almost a month later, Abby convinced your dad to let you work as one of the guards. That way then he would be able to go outside the wall with you, keep an eye on you, and just all-in-all be close to you. Like he had always wanted. At first, he was reluctant, but with a few words from the remaining delinquents with Bellamy and Lincoln, he was persuaded. You had your own gun and uniform—although it was a little big on you. Even though it wasn't in space, the Ark was still home.

    You were on wall duty, keeping the perimeter checked while some of the guards and Grounders went out to hunt for food. Your dad stayed behind, still worried about your health, which was completely acceptable given that your bone marrow was taken from your body only a couple of months prior. A guard came over to take over your shift, allowing you to stretch your legs and walk around.

    You hadn't spoken to Jasper, not wanting to bring back memories of the mountain for him, along with ones of Maya. It was safer that way. You still hadn't seen Clarke, although Bellamy said she did leave, not wanting to carry the weight of guilt around with her. You would miss her, but she would be back. One day.

    "Oh!" You let out when you bumped into someone. "I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention—" You stopped talking when you saw Jasper. "Hey."

    "Hey, Kane."

    "Sorry, about bumping into you," you mumbled, trying to get around him.

    "Wait!" He called out, making you stop. "I haven't seen you in a few months. I miss you," he admitted.

    "Really?" He nodded his head. "I thought that you wouldn't want to see me, I wasn't that great of a friend back at—"

    "That's not true. I was the one who left you."

    "You don't have to talk about it."

    "No. I do." His eyes darted across your face, taking every inch of you in. "I was being selfish. It wasn't until I saw all that blood, the tears, or when I heard your screams die down that I realised just how crappy of a friend I had been. I left you for someone I barely knew, someone who I should have known it wasn't going to last with..."

    "Jasper—" You started softly.

    "I'm not done apologising," he interrupted. "I need to let this all out." You nodded your head for him to continue. "Monty told me what you said. The night before you were taken. All of it. He also told me to get my head out of my ass and to realise that the person I've actually liked all along, liked me back, but was one step away from death. I didn't believe him at first, I was upset and angry. So, I let him sit outside the medical tent for weeks, all by himself, when it should have been both of us. Hell, I should have been in there with you holding your goddamn hand!"

    "You don't have to do this to yourself." You shook your head.

    "I need you to know that I like you. Hell, I'm probably even in love with you. But that doesn't make up for the fact that I basically left you for dead for someone who already was dead. The last couple of days, before you woke up, hit me the hardest, because I knew that if you weren't going to wake up anytime soon you wouldn't have woken up at all. That terrified me. More than the thought of Maya dying." He gulped. "I'm just so sorry for everything, I have way more to apologise for, but I feel like this is a good place to start."

    "You don't have to apologise, Jasp, I'm not angry with you." His eyes snapped to yours. "What?"

    "You called me Jasp."

    "Yeah? It's your nickname."

    "All that time in Mount Weather it was Jordan, I haven't heard it in months."

    "Well, you'll be hearing it from now on." You smiled lightly.

    "Can I hug you?"

    "That's a stupid question." He frowned slightly. "You don't have to ask to hug me, Jasp, just hug me." You laughed out before his arms immediately went to wrap around your body. You could tell he wanted to hug you tightly but he didn't want to hurt you, so, he settled for a gentle hug. You wrapped your arms around him, rubbing his back before he pulled away.

    "I'm going to see Monty, but I'll see you later?"

    "Of course." You nodded before you both parted ways.

    "Who was that?" Your dad asked as you made your way over to his table.

    "Just my friend." You shrugged.

    "Just a friend?"

    "Yeah..."

    "Sure. If that's what you want to call it."

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Holiii! They didnt want to watch Dunkirk? Too bad.   A sting one? I didnt hear about that. But its possible. 3000 euros? Byeee😂😂😂😂. I'm a broken student. Have some mercy on me pls. I agree 100% with what you said about parenting and conditioning kids. It's kind of sad, but also real. (1)

Hiiii!!!! Sorry I’m so late, but what a weekend! Did you know that today was Mother’s Day?L well, a lot of people seemed to have forgotten it 🙄🙄. I had so many things to do, lol. But, well, I, gonna try answer everything, bc tomorrow I won’t be able either, and I don’t want to have you waiting.Okay, in their defense I’ll say they have already seen it,jajjajaa. But, well, why don’t watch it again!?!?! I think it was a Sting one. If not him, someone like him, oops 🙊.I thing it’s cheaper now. That was like 8 years ago. Now, I guess there are more clinics that do it. Back then, there was only one. But look at the good side, if you sight isn’t stable yet, you can’t have it done. And we you finally can, you’ll have a job (hopefully) to pay for it, and it will be cheaper, jejeje.

Bringing balloons sounds like a great idea!! They had them at the last show i went and it was really cool (even though i never got to touch one of them. Jajajaj). If you do decide to bring them, i’m sure you all will have a wonderful time! Ooh, okay. Thanks for the info. I’ll take a pic when she finally puts the poster and i will send it to you🤗 (2)

Lol, imagine if I bring them, and I start glowing them, and I get dizzy, and miss part of the concert because I get sick, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. That’d be awful!! jjajaja. But I’m slowly convincing myself to bring them, and then I’ll see if I can blow them and all that. (Ijejdiebdc I really rally want!!! But I don’t want people looking at me like I’m a crazy old lady 😅 (even if no one sees me)).I’d love to see that door, but only show me if you’re totally comfortable with it,love.

JAJAJAJA. Andy y Lucas? Really? (They came to my city’s festivity last year😂) Almost the same thing as Niall. Yep. I wasnt allowed to go to a show without my parents until i was 18 years old, and look at them now! And this is no even their first concert. Last year we went to see Ed Sheeran in Barcelona (another Bday present for my little sister). I dont know how they can be so convincing (lying. I do know. My sister is the little one and that counts…). But i’m happy for them. I really am. (4)

Hey, Andy y Lucas were a totally hit with they’re first album ,jajaja, have some respect 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Me and my friends spent a summer walking around with our DiskMan (you know what it is, don’t ya) on hand, listening and singing their songs, lol. I got to see them twice now that I remember, lol. They came to where my sister was living, and we went to see them. Again me dragging my sister to see artist she doesn’t like,jajajja. Tbh, I haven’t being to a lot of concerts in my life :( I’ve to see: Andy y Lucasx2, Bisbal, Bustamante and Rosa (year 2002), David Civera!! 🤣 (2001), Pereza, and I think that’s that. Then I went to 1D in 2014, and Harry and Niall this year. What a lame teenage. I’d love to see Ed, how good it was?? Also, you’re little sister is a proper little sibling, eh!! Jajajaja.

Yes yes. Now they have to come back to make it up to me. (DO IIIIT PLS, IM DYING). Oooh. I saw the video of honey you uploaded 😍 Weird, but cute. Jajajajaja Yep. I’m pretty sure she follows you, because i’m always showing her blogs that i like; “this one is hilarous” or “look at the art”, and when i first found yours i was like “WHAAAAAAAT. A SPANISH LARRIE. CANT BE”. So i showed it to her. But i’m not worried bcs she is been so busy she doesnt even check tumblr anymore. Sadly. (5)

Weird is a thing to called it. Some people think is disgusting,jajajajja. I don’t careeeee, I love my weirdoooo!!! Jajajaja I go around showing his videos to whoever wants to listen,jajajjajaaj. Ohhh, I’m a Spanish larrie 😢. There are so few of us…there are probably a lot more of us, but since we all speak in English, you can’t never know. I’ve found other Spanish larries, but don’t think I follow anyone, lol. Have I told you about the most absurd thing that has ever happened to me???????? It was at Harry’s concert. The girl who I sold a ticket to, avert been talking for a bit, turns to me an ask me with the most serious face you can think “are you a larrie?” But in Spanish sounds different, as it’s something I don’t talk out loud ever,jajaja “(eres larrie?)”. And I turned to her like a little rabbit flashed in the middle of a road 😳. And I asked her “are you?” Jajajaja. And we both were, obviously. (I laughed at the absurdity of the conversation,jajajaja). And we talked a bit about Larry things, but with hushed voices, just to not alert any anti/her, whatever you want to call it,jajajaja. Well, if she doesn’t check, you don’t have to be worried. But are you keeping her informed on everything that happens? (Harry’s suits, everything Niall, Limo’s new song, LOUIS!!)

JAJAJAJA. Fun fact, my name is indeed a flowery one. Idk how, but you got that right. We can keep that name if you want. I like it. It’s cute 😊 Ooh. Yes. You started babtsitting this week right? I forgot to ask how it went. Sorry :( Omg. Your cousins sounds amazing. Really smart. He could read at the age of 2? That’s… a lot. And photographic memory? That’s a blessing amd a curse. Is that because of the autism? (I’m sorry i dont know a lot about autism) (6)

SERIOUSLY???? I don’t know why (well, I know why. I’m half witch-half human, but can talk about that later,jajaja), but you reminds me of flowers (my brain is very weird, and doesn’t make sense a lot of the time). Okay, I’ll tag things I want you to see with flower anon. Probably I’ll include a 🌺 in the tags, but that’s just because I live for emojis,jajajajja.Hey, don’t worry for not asking, I forget a lot of things, and then I remember at the most random times 🙄🙄. Well, he’s like very special. When they thought he was autist(?), doctors considerate him a super intelligent one. But in one of his revisions, they told my cousin’s parents that he wasn’t autist, but he was a very slow normal kid. So 🤷🏻‍♀️. Anyway, I don’t think photography memory is because of that. His mom has it too and my cousin (my little cousin’s dad) is always telling who usefully it was for her when she was at uni,jajajaja. He’s only a bit jealous. But I don’t know about my cousin. Of course I see his different to the rest of kids his age, but at the same time he knows thinks kids at his age don’t even dream about knowing. And is not exactly that he knew how to read, but with his memory he could recognize a word after having watched Optica written once, and repeat it out loud. Like, his mom could write once Papá, and he could remember the world anytime you’d write it. And they taught him a lot of words. And we buy him a lot of toys related with words and all that, so he learn what sound goes with what letter. So he just started reading one day. It’s amazing.

🤦🤦Depriving someone of strawberry cake only because it is pink should be considered a crime. Yeah, i think my friend wrote it. And i told her in my answers that i thought the survey was not well done, but she hasnt reach me, and i dont think she will. I’m not sure she will even use my answers bcs i went a bit overboard with them. I guess she was looking for “yes/no because of that” answers but instead i wrote her a dissertation about sexuality, genders and social construction. Ups. (7)

Pink candies even!!! Isn’t that a big case of bad parenting?!?! 🙄🙄🙄🙄 I’ll show you what I did yesterday (I hope I don’t forget,lol), and you’ll understand why I’m the rainbow queen,jajajaja.Well, if you’re close enough to each other, I think you could talk to her in person? Explain her why it was wrong? She can ignore you if you’re face to face. Maybe she’ll learn something?  Maybe she didn’t saw anything wrong with the way it was written, but if you explains it to her, she’ll understand. 🤷🏻‍♀️Also, well done 👏🏻👏🏻 on being faithful to you and your thoughts! I’m proud of you!!

Same happens to me. I spend far too much alone, and when i can, i talk as much as possible. I totally understand. Niall had kittens? She was the one that eat them? Or it was another of the cats? Oh oh!! I just remembered you said in the tags the other day that we should talk about fics and recs, but i forgot to answer then. Did you wanna talk about something in particular?? (8)

Yeah, Niall has kittens. And this time she didn’t get to eat them. She hid them anger something and two of them died. And the other one died yesterday, I think, because she didn’t feed it. I don’t know what is wrong with that cat. We even thought that something was wrong with the kittens (because their parents were siblings (niall and Louis 😅), but this time soured they were sons of another dad, so 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️. It must be her.Ooooohhhhh, fics. I love reading fics, jajaja, but I can think about anything in particular now 😭😭😭😭😭 (Bc I’m tired, and sleeping, and dreading tomorrow’s morning 😫😫). But, yes, of course, someday will talk about fics. When you’re freer. Also, when were your exams starting this week or last week???? 😱😱😱 I can’t remember!! This weekend was soooo long, it felt like a month!! Jajaja. But very very very good luck on your exams!!! You keep me informed, please?

Hazte oír? Please, dont remember me that. I was so angry. I still am. And part of my family (my conservative cousins) agree with that statement and the organisation and uh 😷. I dont understand how they can be so intolerant. I find it horrifying. Some months ago, my teacher brought someone to give a lecture, and i left halfway because i was getting too angry about what he was saying, and later i found he was from Hazte Oír and it all made sense. (9)

WHAT?? You have family who supports that?? Who are you related to them?? Okay, I started answering this before I finish reading, and now that I did you’ve let me speechless. They brought someone from that association to your uni??? 😳. I can’t believe it. But I applaud you for leaving. What a shame. Seriously, I don’t know what to tell. I find it horrifying that teachers/schools/universities do that. Because that is educate in hate. 😡😡😡😡 I’m getting angry just thinking it. I don’t know why, but I become irrational when I’m in front of that kind of thoughts. Like all I want to do is shut their f*cking mouths, and scream SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPPPPP!!!! IdufbvbfivubrfvI’m so sorry you have to deal with that!!

JAJAJJAJA. I wasnt serious. I just find hilarious when they call us a cult. Because we are not ?? Nop. I’m her favourite guinea pig, and she know that i dont do wax. I have only done that 2 times, and there’s not gonna be a third. I relate too much to your cousin, jajajaja. I just help her when she need someone to practice massages with, or anything not involving wax. I dont know about Oh Anna life, but a version without the screaming & the backround noises would be nice. (Reminder approved). 10

I call us a cult??? When??? Jajajjaja. I don’t remember, but if I said it, it was sarcasm, for sure, jajajaa.Jajaja “and there’s not gonna be a third” 🤣🤣🤣🤣. Oh, but aren’t you smart??? Jajajaja. You only want the good things!! No no, I you want a massage, you have to go to her wax exams, jajajaja. I don’t know why people don’t go willingly to be waxed by people who’s learning how to wax. What bad could happen?? Jajaja. My wax teacher told us that once, a previous year, one of the students let a drop of was fall on an another student eye. And to retire that wax, they had to cut her eyelashes!! THAT is horrific and traumatic!! She told us, so we didn’t ever forget that we don’t have move the wax around our clients faces/eyes. And it was the perfect story to never do it,jajaja.At this moment, I’m all in about buying a delux album with just oh Anna, Medicine, baby honey, and that melody he played yesterday(?) for 15€ plus (gastos de envío).

YOU SAW THE NEWS ABOUT LOUIS? HE IS PARTIALLY FREE. Yaaaay. And also, Liam appeared on TV? Where? What did they say? Pd. He said the word “sacapuntas” once again😂 and i love him. And, have you watched familiar mv? I havent yet, but my sister said it was cool. And last but no least, how are you? Did you had a good time? 11

Ay, don’t remember me. I still get emotional imagining good things happening to Louis. I hope/wish/pray that everything is happening in that regard is accord to him. And that this isn’t another fake good thing. I’m so tired of expecting good for him, and then he never gets it. And, realistically, I know at some point in the future, he will be “completely” free, but I can’t wait for that day. BE TOMORROW!! Well, we only can wait and see how thing go happening.Yes, I already told you about Liam. It was just exactly a minute, but it makes me so happy. And he’s everywhere!! Even in Spain! I can’t believe it. He’s doing so well. I think he said sacapuntas too,jajajaja. That’s all he knows!!🤣🤣😱😱😱 I haven’t yet!!! I totally forgot!!! I hope tomorrow I get to watch it. Sorry, limo.I’m good, thanks for asking, jajajaa, just a bit tired and sleepy. And tomorrow I have to go to some doctors p, I have to wake up at dawn (🤣🤣🤣🤣, it’s been so long since I woke up that early). But well, my sister just changed me this week’s day of work. Instead of Tuesday, I have to go on Wednesday, so u can nap Monday and Tuesday!jajaja (I haven’t go to sleep in Sunday, and I’m already thinking about my Tuesday’s nap 😅😅). And this Friday. IGET TO SEE NIALL!!!!! 😱😭😱😭😱😭 I can’t waiiiittttt!!!!!!!

This is what i we’re doing for some time yesterday, see the rainbow?? Jajajaa. I try to put rainbows every time I get a chance 🤣🤣🤣. I’m evil!!! (I know it’s not exactly a rainbow, but it was the most similar I could get 😅). And see this pink candies (marshmallows) at eh bottom? Well, some boys/kids can’t eat them, bc they’ll lose their masculinity 🙄🙄🙄🙄.

That’s all for tonight my lovely flower 🌺 anon. Have a nice day/week. Keep studying hard, so you can get your good results at the end of it all. 😚😚

[survivorniue]

Ep. 7: “This Whole Loyal Thing is so New” - Dan (Pt. 2)

KEVIN

Okay... So we're setting (or trying to set) the plan to boot Van in action. Van is cool and all but in the words of Thirdpersonica, Van is playing for Van. Like Forrest told me, Van probably won't go to rocks for anyone unless she has some sort of protection first, because she wouldn't do that for Kait. Also, I want to vote out Van because, um, who the fuck takes out Kait. Like that's not okay. Like Van has taken out two of my faves (Kait and Forrest) and if we let her continue on her warpath this is gonna be an ugly game. We definitely have Amanda Nicky and I voting for Van, Amanda said she could pull in Dan. So that leaves the fifth vote. Ideally, that fifth vote is Sam and/or Pat. I'd rather have Sam because she's iconic and Pat...well he at least has a nice personality! I'm just worried word will get back to Van because for all I know John has an idol and from what Van told me those two are relatively close. Close enough to play an idol on the other? Uh, please no. 

VAN

So this vote can either be SUPER messy and bad or it could be yet another near unanimous vote. I haven't decided what I want to do yet.  So it appears Forrest isn't on the jury which is WHEW because I know I burned that bridge. Life here on NewNiue has been pretty chill so far. Now, I love Ned and Sam to death. Like, I seriously do. But I'm aware of how strong they are in challenges. And I love Ned and Sam and they're super likable people. And I want to play with them for as long as I can. BUT, Ned just told me a little something that just made a WEE bit nervous.  So just between us, the 5 iloa people want us to stick together. I don't want you sam or I to be a target, so timing is everything on when we make a move  WELL NED, AIN'T THAT A LITTLE SCARY FOR THE LONE MITI PERSON WORKING WITH YOU GUYS.  As of right now, we have 5 old Iloa and 4 old Miti. Now, in a perfect world where I felt like I'd be perceived as a good player, I'd be okay with continuing forward with Ned/Sam into a F3. But, alas, I'm pretty sure I look like a floater and a not-so-great challenge performer. (i'd like to think people like me but who knows :/) If I wanna try and win this game, I gotta make a bit more of an effort to get the numbers on my side. But I also don't want to make a move too soon either because there's still plenty of time left in the game. Plenty of time for people to make a move against me, and if I burn Ned/Sam too much too soon, then I won't have them to watch my back.  I just don't know if now's the right time to try and flip one of the old Iloa's to old Miti to try and take out someone on the other side. This round, we only need 1 person to flip to old Miti to take out an Iloa. Next round, if we vote out an old Miti (say, Nikki), then I only have Kevin and Amanda left from old Miti, and we'd need to flip 2 people to avoid a tie.   AGH I'M CONFLICTED  I'm gonna spend a bit of time looking for the idol too maybe that'd be helpful so I know I can play around with it to get someone I wanna save out of a tricky situation. All I know that for this round, at the very least, I wanna keep Kevin in the game since we work well together. Ned/Sam would be tragic and I'd probably lose a jury vote, but I would move on and hope for the best. Everyone else would be sad but not as bad.   ok i have a paper to write hopefully people hit me up more on skype soon because i'm a little nervous wreck in this game lmao

NICKY

Me about tonight's tribal council: https://67.media.tumblr.com/c2dff8563548f38f7dda18cf09bc8b8b/tumblr_nfx5dfFXm51rl4dslo1_500.gif

KEVIN

SCREAMING MY ASS OFF SOME ILOA BITCHES ARE THROWING MY NAME AROUND LIKE FIRST OF ALL WHO THE FUCK SECOND OF ALL WHY???? (also nicky too like leave us alone!!!!) and also van like said he doesn't want it to be me so if that's true now asking ppl to vote for van is um...slightly messier god i hate myself 

KEVIN

Okay so...maybe voting against Van isn't the best course of action or even possible... I don't know if it's too late, because Ned's words might have gotten to Van and now we're ultra screwed, but we might have a chance. Van is telling me that she thinks Iloa is sticking together, so what other option is there? This could all be a charade or something though... Me when I was the person to bring up Van's name and now it looks like (unless I'm being played) she's trying to keep us in the game... We agreed to vote out Pat I'm.........

KEVIN

Let the records show that I. LOVE. SAMANTHA. Oh my god this feminist icon is one of my favorite people ever!!! She's flipping with Dan to save me oh my goodness!!! What did I do to deserve such an angel? Nothing but God has smiled and blessed me and I am grateful. Now we're voting Ned and I'm probably gonna have to leave Van in the dark bc things changed so suddenly (they did technically) but oh my god

NED

I've really gotten to know almost everyone on this tribe, so the vote was going to be hard regardless. All the old Iloa members are voting Kevin, and all the old Miti members are voting Pat. It seems that this is still very much a game defined by tribal lines, despite the most recent results. I talked to Van about where her head is, and she said that she would not vote for Kevin, because he's her closest Miti ally. This is where the tricky part comes in: I can stick with Iloa and vote out my ally's ally who could help me down the road, or I can flip and vote out Pat, but risk  my safety for the early merge. It's 4 versus 4, with me in the middle- and I don't know what to do.

PATRICK

AMANDA

THis vote is INSANEEEE okay so originally we were voting out Van, then Kevin wanted to vote Pat but i love Pat so i was iffy, then we said we were gonna vote for Ned. If it goes as planned, me Kevin Dan Sam Nicky and i think Van are voting Ned out. I think Pat is voting Van, idk about everyone else though. This vote was crazy and stressed me out like waiting for the votes of the freaking presidential election lmfao OH ALSO me Dan and Sam made a f3 so thats cute

VAN

i literally made a video confessional to try and handle the current situation for this game but it won't load which is honestly a good summary of how this day of mine is going like what's happened today? 1. laptop started fucking up so I spent the entire day in the library writing a paper like it's a miracle that it's somewhat cooperating with me rn 2. had a stomach ache from hell thanks dining hall 3. got nominated in a BB game I'm playing in right now that's nice 4. Donald Trump has a very real chance of becoming the next President of the United States rn 5. The vote is either going to Kevin or to Ned. There's only 10 minutes until tribal. I think Dan is gonna flip to vote out Ned. The only way to keep Ned in the game is to vote Kevin through a tie. Not only did I promise Kevin that I'm never voting him out, but I also promised the same to Ned. Ned is probably so fucked. I feel so bad for him. We had a call today and I really really like the guy, even though I know he's a threat. I could always just vote Pat (like we originally intended to do) and it ends with Ned going home but I don't have to vote him out. But it'll make me look like an untrustworthy weenie. But honestly at this point I deserve it for playing both sides during the swap and during this merge so far. If this vote goes the way I think it's about to go then that's that. I'll probably see you in the jury next Ned lmao