#i wrote this immediately after i watched the ep so assume that chronology

[elissastillstands]

Lights of No World

Fandom: Star Trek: Discovery Rating: General Word count: 1,423 Characters: Michael Burnham, Spock Summary: After Talos IV, Michael and her brother talk about what happened between them. Takes place after 2.08 “If Memory Serves.”

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18065921

The trip to the Section 31 headquarters will take them a little over a day at maximum warp. Michael leaves her brother to debrief with the captain and goes back to her quarters. She leans against her window and stares out at the warp trails beyond. The bright streams, generated in the in-between places of space, never fail to fill her with a sense of wonder.

Her doorbell chimes. Identification: Lieutenant Spock, her computer announces. Michael calls for the door to open.

“Michael,” her brother says. He hovers outside of the entrance to her room. In the reflection in the window, she can see him standing, hands clasped behind his back.

“Spock,” she responds. “How was your debriefing with Captain Pike?”

“It was routine. He was concerned about my wellbeing.”

“We’re all glad to have you back safe and sound.”

He doesn’t respond. They stand in silence for a long moment.

“Come in,” Michael says at last.

He steps into her room, and she turns to face him. Her hands fall behind her back as she studies him. They stand the same way—shoulders square, chins high, hands tucked away so they cannot impinge on the spaces of others. Just as they were taught.

“I wanted to see how you were faring,” he says stiffly. “Interaction with the Talosians can have a significant toll on psionically inert species.”

“You came here to ask me how I was doing?”

“Is it not a reasonable action, to question how my own sister might be doing? I simply wished to—”

“You haven't done that for me in years,” Michael says, smiling a little. “Not since we were little.”

He clears his throat, turning his face away. “I—wish to speak to you. About that.”

“Do you?” Michael raises her eyebrow. She tries to keep her voice light and level. He's made his peace with it; she should make hers. At least they're on speaking terms again. “Spock, it's fine. I understand. The best thing at this stage for us both is to try to move past that—”

“And yet you are clearly displaying signs of emotional distress—”

“You made it patently clear on Talos IV that my emotions are irrelevant.” Her voice is sharp and loud. They are no longer mirrors—her fists are clenched in front of her, her shoulders tense, her whole body straining. She wants to shake him until he feels as unmoored as she does.

Spock looks uncomfortable. “I was simply referring to the fact that our time was limited. I did not mean to diminish your distress.”

Michael laughs abruptly, and they both cringe at the sound. She turns away and paces to the window, staring out at the ribbons of warp light in the space beyond.

“You know,” she starts, “my memory of that night is hazy, only half-there. I sometimes think back to it, and I wonder—I was mean to you. I said cruel things that capitalized on your vulnerability, your ostracization and loneliness. But you realized even then that I was trying to protect you, and—and you still hated me.” She’s half-shouting now. “You kept hating me. And every time you looked at me like you didn't want to know me, my memory of what I did became a little worse, until I was convinced I had betrayed you and the rest our family. Until I thought that I didn't deserve any more. For the longest time, I thought that you should hate me.” Michael looks away from the lights of no world and back over to her brother, trying to keep her chin high. “For the longest time, I thought I was a monster.”

Her brother flinches. “You are hyperbolizing the situation, Michael.”

“Am I?” His words would sting more if she couldn't see the concern on his face, which verges on alarm. She forges on. “You can do better than accusing me of hysteria. I had killed my mother and father on Doctari Alpha through my selfish curiosity. I brought danger to you and Sarek and Amanda.” She is shaking. “I hurt my little brother, who looked at me like I hung both the suns in the sky. What other word can I use?”

“You never killed anyone, Michael; you are not to blame for the violence others inflict. You act like you have to take responsibility for every misfortune in the world around you, like everything is your fault—”

“—but no one has ever told me that it isn’t.”

Spock stills. Michael stiffens. She only half-recognizes the words which came from her mouth as her own.

“Did you ever consider that?” Her throat feels raw, like she is dragging out her phrases by force. “I was the one who wanted to see the supernova. I was the one who had the audacity to try to be Vulcan. I was the one who pushed you away. Why shouldn't it be my fault?”

“Logic dictates that it is incorrect to assign blame—”

“Logic dictates one thing, and individuals another. You blamed me. I was provably a source of danger to our family. Sarek pushed me away from Vulcan when I failed to gain entry into the Vulcan Expeditionary Group. I tried to protect you, and to fit into your world, and when I left Vulcan, I tried to be the best representative of our family I could be—and I tried—”

Michael swallows hard. “And then—then I was convicted for mutineering. Every death in the Klingon War fell on me, and I had to make amends for that as well, and I tried, and I tried, and I'm still trying to make up for everything I have done, and I—” her voice breaks, thick with unvoiced tears. “I’m tired. Maybe this makes me even more selfish, but—it feels like I've spent my whole life trying, and I am so, so tired—”

“No.” Spock is shaking his head. “Michael, no—” He goes towards her, reaching out his hand and stopping short of touching her. “Please, do not say these things. You are not a monster. It is not your fault. You lost your parents to a deed of unspeakable violence, and then you died when you were still a child, attacked on a planet that was meant to be your sanctuary. You—you are not to blame for the violence others inflict on you,” he repeats. “Please, it is not—you are not to blame. It is not selfish, to be tired.”

He hesitates for a moment before crossing to to the window and wrapping his arms around her shoulders. The last time they hugged, Michael was taller than him by a head and a half, and now she barely reaches his chin. She laughs again, a choked little sound, and the tears start rolling down her cheeks as she hugs back. Spock shifts uncomfortably at her crying but keeps holding her.

“I—apologize,” he says slowly. “I apologize for still showing so much resentment towards you for what you did when we were both children in an effort to protect me. I apologize for pushing you away.”

“You apologize,” Michael repeats. She lets go of him to wipe at her eyes and cheeks. Her hands knock against Spock's arms where they're still awkwardly looped around her—she might be unused to crying in front of others, but not as unused as he is to holding someone who's crying. “That's a start, I suppose.”

He's staring at her wet face with concern. “Do you—feel better, Michael?”

“One spoken apology isn't going to preternaturally alleviate my emotional distress.” She still wants to shake him, but she hugs him instead, tighter this time, until she feels him loosening and leaning into her hold. “But thank you.”

“Mother told us that crying is cathartic and not to be shamed.” Slowly, hesitantly, he leans down so that his head is next to hers. They’re mirroring each other again, uncertain in their touch, unpracticed. “But I did not believe her, until you told me that it was—okay.” He sounds out the world deliberately, like he did with all Standard idioms when he was younger. “You used to hold me often, when I cried. I found great comfort in it.”

Michael feels herself smiling a little. “I’m glad.”

“I know that interpersonal relationships are not easily repaired. But I hope I can be a source of some comfort now. To you.”

They stand next to the window, hugging until her tears die down. Their reflections in the glass are still, the warp trails behind them lit with silver.

-----

This was written immediately after the episode airing. Deepest thanks to @starfleetdoesntfirefirst, a miracle worker who gave this the world's speediest and most thorough read-through and made sure that it was suitable for outside eyes and not just me raving on Michael's behalf.

[thefiveavengers]

jester and sexuality/romantic inclinations

so, this is my last day of summer break (actually the day before last, but tomorow is monday) and I decided to put into words what my thoughts about this dicey, dicey subject are. First, these are solely my opinons based on 1) watching the second campaign, 2)watching talks machina and the meta knowledge that comes with that and 3) assuming the players are playing in good faith and are open minded to organic changes that might come to their characters along the way.

and second, I do have my biases, and I come from the following inclinations: I ship lavorregard, and I don’t believe Jester is straight.

That said let’s begin. I’ve written a far amount about the lavorregard ship, but mostly focused on Beau’s feelings and her perspective. Right before the ep that Beau reveals the crush to Nott I wrote the following: “ If I were to put a chronology on Beau’s feelings for Jester it would go something like that: 1)“This girl is cute and somehow I like her way more than I usually like, well, anybody” 2) “This girl is cute and we are… friends???” 3) “This girl is cute, we are friends and I love her” 4) “We are friends, I love her AND I think she is hot” 5) “This girl is hot, I love her and maybe I love her as more than friends?”

But last ep I think it shifted to, “I’m definetely into Jester as more than friends and she’s never been hotter AND I think I’m getting to a point where I’m ready to actually process my feelings regarding that and be open about it.”

And lo and behold, the very next ep we saw Beau actually processing her feelings when talking to Nott. But what about Jester?  

         I’ve seen some people express the idea that “wouldn’t it be galaxy brain if all three cr ladies had independently decided when creating their characters that they are lesbians?” and honestly, while a cute thought, I don’t think that’s what’s happening. In my opinion what happened was, Marisha created Beau as a lesbian and she made sure to make that clear as possible from the get go, and one of the reasons I think she did that is because she entered the campaign looking to avoid a pc/pc romance, since the one she was in in cr1 took such a toll on her. She probably figured it would be a safe bet, playing a lesbian she would shield herself from the male characters and most likely the other female characters would not be interested in Beau, right?

      Enter Ashley Johnson. Honestly I don’t think Ashley had such a clear idea that Yasha was (or is) a lesbian. She had a wife, and from what has been said in canon Zualla was her only romantic and sexual relationship. Now, from what we’ve seen Yasha hasn’t expressed any interest in men, but to be fair she hasn’t really expressed interest in much anybody. She called Jester adorable in the very first ep and she seems to be fond of Beau’s flirtations even if not directly responding to them. The conversation where Yasha has said that she has “seen {Beau} a lot” coupled with one of the songs in Yasha’s playlist has me convinced that Yasha has some kind of feelings for Beau, even if is just a small crush. And I say this as someone who doesnt ship Beau/Yasha. I don’t think they would make a good match, but that doesn’t mean I’d deny either of them having interest in the other. But that doesn’t mean Yasha is for sure a lesbian who would never engage with a men ever. She seems pretty adamant on not having any romantic connections, so its hard to gauge really where her interests lie. She is for sure though a wlw. 

      Now, when it comes to Jester and Laura Bailey that’s when things get complicated. I would assume that most of us that have considered the possibility of Jester not being straight have read the excellent essay on comphet by tumblr user fuzzy-face ( https://fuzzy-face.tumblr.com/post/185001577009/you-make-your-own-fairytale-jester-comphet ), so I’m not gonna rehash what she’s said already. While I do agree almost wholeheartedly with this post, I’ll say this, I don’t think Laura Bailey when creating Jester set out to tell a story of a wlw learning how to overcome comphet. But (BUT!,!) I also don’t think her idea was Jester is totally straight and that’s that! I think she created Jester as a sexually and romantically inexperienced young woman that almost immediately got a crush on Fjord because, among other reasons, he reminded her of a hero from her smut books. 

       Recently, with the new upload of talks to the CR youtube channel, I rewatched this talks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZqJzNj_1tI , which is about the ep a Hole in the Plan, deep into the pirate arc, but before the first big Beau/Jester moment, the conversation they had in the boat on ep 46. First I must express my annoyance  at the fact that Laura and Marisha are the guests and yet at least 80% of the questions are about Fjord. I know it was in his arc, but COME ON! Also I was very surprised by how open they are talking about Fjord/Jester as if it were a done deal alaready. When anyone involved in Talks claim that they don’t do shipping questions, you should show them this ep because it is all about shipping questions. Anyways, Laura clearly states that Jester has a crush on Fjord (at the time at least) and she compares it to a super intense high school crush. So to me there is no refuting the fact that at least at some point Jester had a crush on Fjord. 

    What I do find it interesting is when you compare her answers in that talks to what she said in the most recent talks she’s participated  ( https://youtu.be/_NmZ2b_Q3So ) which seem to at least indicate that Jester has, on a level or another, moved on from said crush. It’s also, the now infamous moment where Laura talks about Jester’s crush...es. We’ll get back to that.

     That’s all good and dandy, but this is meta outside the game. Let’s go analyze actual in-game developments. As far as I can remember (and I’m not an expert in Fjord/Jester, so I might be forgetting something) these are the moments Jester spoke directly or inderectly about her crush on Fjord; when Caleb point blank asked her if she was sweet on him (to which she answered “I don’t know” and let’s keep that in mind); when she talked to nott about first kisses and the best thing she can say about it is that it didnt make her feel dead, and to me the most significant moment; when she asks the traveler  how to make a boy like her. Now, I’ve seen some people band about this as irrefutable proof that Jester IS straight, otherwise she wouldnt be asking the traveler advice about boys, but in this case she wasn’t talking about boys in general, she was talking about ONE boy and that was Fjord. 

      And that’s the crux of the matter isn’t it? Jester has demonstrated sexual/romantic interest in one man and one man alone, and that’s fjord. That does not mean she is straight. It doesn’t even mean that she, if a wlw, is bi. Her crush on Fjord has been wrapped around in all these expectations and I think its hard to parse how much was just projecting, among other things, the romance her parents had. Also, let me comment on how all these developments were long ago, during the pirate arc, over one year ago in real time.

     Jester has commented about Fjord’s appearance and Caleb’s and even pointed out to Reani that hot boi Essek was hot, but its all done very matter-of-factly. And if we are going to talk about Jester commenting on people’s apperances we have to acknowledge how Jester cannot SHUT UP about how she finds women beautiful. From Beau to Nott, from Reani to random shop girl in Uthodurn and her obssession with the Bright Queen in particular its all very in your face. Once someone wanted to argue with me that this is just how straight girls air their insecurities, and even if that’s true and not just misogyny, the only time Jester commented on a woman’s apperance with any kind of insecure note was one time when she compared herself to her mother.  

     Look, the thing is, if we take at face value every comment Jester has made about Fjord’s looks and strenght, we also have to take at face value how distraught she looked and sounded facing the idea that Beau’s new vestiments wouldn’t let her abs show. Is it funny? Yes, but it’s funny for the idea that Jester is very appreciative of Beau’s abs, which, I’m still waiting for the straight explanation if anyone if willing to give me. 

     To end, this goddamned book that I’ve started, the thing that gives me the most certainty that Jester is not straight and that a Beau/Jester romance is not only possible but likely is that I do not believe Laura Bailey is cruel. If she had no interest in exploring the possibility of a not-straight Jester and a B/J romance she wouldn’t been doing what she has been doing for awhile now.

     And what do I mean about that? I mean that even before Beau’s confession there’s been a different dynamic to their relationship. I already mentioned the “but can I see her abs????” incident, but also her encouragement about beau’s qualities and abilities (beau, you’re super strong), using the traveler as a proxy to her feelings (the traveler thinks you’ll do great, the traveler thinks you’re awesome, the traveler loves you), waiting to hold beau when she went up a column and showing disapointment when she didnt fell into her arms, listening to Beau regarding her wanting to confront her dad, being super, and I mean SUPER bummed out when Beau and Reani kissed and took a walk. And after the confession things ramped up.

   Like, that was Laura Bailey listening to the conversation between Nott and Beau, not Jester. She could have had continued to play out their friendship as usual, but that’s not what she did. She used this opportunity to play the romantic possibility as never before. Making sure that Jester shielded Beau’s body in combat, being VERY specific that when her double cured her, she leaned over her body and put her hands to her face and even contradicting Matt, pointing out that when she woke up, it wasn’t the laughing hand that she first saw, but Jester’s face. And then there’s ep 89, the juiciest lavorregard ep since ep 46. It’s romantic comedy set up, one character confesses their love to a third one, and the one character who is the target of that love starts a conversation with “Are you avoiding me? Because I think I know why.” That’s a romantic trope ladies and gents, and Laura Bailey the genius she is played it to perfection. Not being sure why she was so upset about not curing Beau (a sentiment that battle mercy Jester has never expressed before). Wanting to punish Beau’s dad for not treating her right, getting to an agreement after arguing about tarot and molly. Afterwards engaging Fjord in an activity that she usually associates with beau, that goes disastrously and thanks to the dice gods, I could see, in real time the comphet melting away.

And concluding with the fact that she bet 20 extra gold on Beau on the down low.

So coming back to the idea of Jester having crush...es, to me is very clear those crushes are, the one she has/had on Fjord and her new emerging one on Beau. do I think Jester herself is aware of these feelings? Not really, but Laura sure is.

     look this is not about being entitled or acusing anyone of queerbaiting if my ship doesnt pan out. its just, you know, laura’s sister is a lesbian, and I do think that gives people some perspective that they might not have, and I genuinely don’t think she would be playing things as she is, if she didn’t have any interest in playing out to the end.

[mightbedamian]

#TMIishTuesday #48 - Troye Sivan’s Blue Neighbourhood

Hey, Just a little info before we start: If you're following my Twitter, you might have seen my little tweet from last Saturday about maybe filming the whole thing that I write on here and putting the video on YouTube. Well, I thought I'd have a very boring weekend, when I wrote that tweet. The weekend actually was great - but very busy. So… No video today. And since I'll probably be busy the next two weekends as well, I'll have to leave the YouTube thing for later. But who knows… Maybe in the future… There will be… #TMIishTuesday in video form? Anyway, enough of future sh*t, on with the present: Blue Neighbourhood! Hey there mighty people of the internet! And welcome to issue #48 of #TMIishTuesday - my weekly Tumblr post about what goes through my weird mind and what you guys want to know more about. It can be something very personal, it can be something political, it can be completely pointless - but in 99.9 % of the cases, it involves opinions. And mine as well. // Last week I talked about my experiences talking multiple languages in one conversation and/or with the same people. What is it like switching language pretty much half-topic? Which factors made it necessary or desirable to switch languages? Find out in #TMIishTuesday no. 47. // Talking about languages: Did I mention that of all the four languages I speak/studied, I like English best? I don't really know why… But surely, my fondness for the English language also plays a role in the reason why I write this post. Troye Sivan released his album Blue Neighbourhood in fall 2015, but I kinda only really got into it after he released Heaven as a single. But first things first: Let's introduce Troye cause I'm assuming, there's at least one person reading this, who doesn't know who he is (Hi Lukas :D) - and maybe more. Troye Sivan is a 21-year-old  Australian singer/songwriter/YouTuber/actor allrounder. Started off playing young Wolverine in the 2009 X-Men film, went on to make videos, squeezing in a song every now and then. Released his first small EP called TRXYE and a single, Happy Little Pill in 2014 which immediately crashed into the charts around the world - due to his YouTube prominence. He then went on to release a full EP called Blue Neighbourhood in late 2015. And as you can tell by the title, this is exactly what this #TMIishTuesday is about! As you can read in my coming out chronology that I posted in September, I subscribed to Troye in 2013. Since, I've watched pretty much every video he uploaded. Vlog-like videos at first and some cover songs in between. When he announced his first EP in 2014, I remember being skeptical. But I just loved the Happy Little Pill song, so I bought it. Fun fact: Contrary to my expectations, my mum liked the song as well. :D In fall 2015, step by step, Troye uploaded the Blue Neighbourhood trilogy: The three part series of music videos to Wild, Fools, and Talk Me Down that tell the story of a young love that does not succeed due to… let's say... "parental issues"? Anyway, the trilogy is great. Check it out! (At the time I only could watch the videos in the Netherlands, now that GEMA and YouTube finally found a compromise, it's also available in Germany - yeey!) This trilogy - and the music itself - made me want to get these songs. So that's what I did. And I liked Youth too, so got those four songs. Only those four cause I wasn't quite convinced by the others. Those four, tho - ACE! I really digged every single one of them! And Youth was my favorite one. But that was it for more than a year. There were some videos of Troye performing live that actually made it to my sub box (battling this GEMA disgrace), but they still didn't make me crave more of his music. Until… Heaven. January 19, Heaven was uploaded to Troye's VEVO channel - a song featuring Betty Who. And it made me realise how much I liked Troye's music. And also the songs that I hadn't bought. So I went ahead and got the rest of the album, too. And, trying not to exaggerate, but I must have listened to nothing but those songs for the next 48 hours. Okay, some radio in the car - but for the rest: Blue Neighbourhood and Blue Neighbourhood only. It's been three weeks now. And there's hardly been a day that I didn't have a song of the album stuck in my head. I just dig the entire album now! Btw, have I made it clear already that I love that album? I love this album! Okay, seriously though. Let's try and make a top 5? 1. Too Good - The title is basically giving it away already: This song just is: Too good! Guitar sounds? In a Troye song? I was SO surprise at this! You know I'm a sucker for a good electric guitar in songs. Oh, AND a piano intro? Plus it's featured prominently throughout the entire song? I FREAKING LOVE THIS SONG TO PIECES! 2. for him - That beat tho! Also: Cool lyrics! 3. Youth - Still up there. Pretty much from day one. Rather speedy song, very thoughtful breaks in the beat. Great lyrics as well. 4. Cool - Very catchy lyrics. Very catchy beat as well. Well done! 5. Fools - The piano intro - again! Thoughtful song, kinda depressing mood, but have you heard the chorus? Such a refreshing beat going on there! To be honest: It was f*ing hard ranking the songs! When I've rated 13 of the 16 on the album 5/5 and posted 8 of them as #mightygoodnighttune in 2017 already, that says a lot! :D And as of typing this (on Monday night), I haven't even posted Fools. That miiiiight change tonight - Update (Tuesday night): It didn’t. It was a close one tho. Anyway, I should stop now, else I'll just fanboy for hours and hours and hours. One last thing though: The lyrics of ALL the songs on Blue Neighbourhoud are written in a gender neutral way. You can't tell, which gender the person in the songs is addressing. That’s just amazing! When most songs are about love, it must have taken a lot of focus and hard work to get the lyrics like that. Shout out to you, Troye! Before I go, let me know you thoughts about Blue Neighbourhood. Do you like it? Do you like Troye’s music in general? What is your favorite song of the album? Tell me, I wanna know! Place a comment, tweet me, dm me, or do anything else you can think of to get to me. Talking about tweets: Today’s TMIish Queer Shoutout is a single tweet. It's Sam Collins's tweet about his birthday from last week. It might just be two pictures of a rather happy guy captioned: "Samantha always told herself that she'd never make it to 21. She was right… but he did" But this tweet says A LOT about Sam. I don't know Sam personally and have only been following his YouTube and Twitter for 5-6 months. But knowing that Sam is trans*, this tweet gave me goose bumps as soon as I read it. It says so much about how trans* people feel. Caught in the wrong body, they are extremely unhappy, sometimes to the point of suicide fantasies. And from the stories he shared, I can tell that Sam was very unhappy, too. Then he decided to transition and go by "Sam" from then on. Now people in the streets see him as a man - and that gives him confidence. If you're interested in a channel that includes trans* topics, but definitely is not limited to it, check him out. As always: Next #TMIishTuesday next Tuesday. If you have any questions in the meantime, just ask away. Whatever you’re curious about - I don’t bite. :) Until then: Stay mighty! Linkage: [Sorry, I’m too lazy now... It’s all in the post anyway :P]

Oh, and here’s some self-promo: - Last #TMIishTuesday: http://mightbedamian.tumblr.com/post/156639178932/tmiishtuesday-47-excuse-me-wat-zei-du - More #TMIishTuesdays: mightbedamian.tumblr.com/tagged/tmi - More #TMIishTuesdays on music: http://mightbedamian.tumblr.com/tagged/music - More very cool stuff: www.twitter.com/mightbedamian - Even more very cool stuff: mightbedamian.tumblr.com