secretsofacammodel

[secretsofacammodel]

102223

I finally woke up from the manic episode.

[secretsofacammodel]

101923 night shift

Dysphoric Mania?

This is what I typed into my computer tonight. I feel like I want to disapear, but like I want to take too many shots. I feel liek a violent episode away from losing my shit. I feel like I dont care anymore about anything. Im better off gone. Maybe not gone gone but california never coming back gone. Drunk on the beach forgetting my own name.

[secretsofacammodel]

101923

So today I feel like the worse or worst moms. I have a screaming 7-month-old who just wants to play, and I just want to work or nap. I want to get so high or drunk I can't take care of him. That sounds horrible. I'm literally waiting for his dad to come home so I can zone out. Shouldn't motherhood be more then just surviving? Rainbows and sunshine stroller walks? I guess not all the rainbows, but still. today would be considered a 5. We have screamed but we stopped eventually. Sometimes I think that I would be a better working mom then a stay at home mom.

[secretsofacammodel]

So, my husband and I have decided to open up our relationship. He matches with a girl he uses to mess around with before me. She seems pretty cool. I wouldn't mind getting to know her better. I have matched with someone as well. He is not the cutest, but the personality is there. I can't fuck a fuckboy.

I guess I should fill you in with how it has come to an open relationship. As a cam girl I'm weird about no other cam girls in the relationship. I don't know it's like seeing your bestie/ coworker with your boyfriend. Said this from the beginning mind you. I found him on chaturbate "researching" on how to help with my shows. then a few months later I found the twitter and Instagram. No, he wasn't talking to them but lots and lots of likes to other girls. It bothered me okay. Then in January after I found my wedding dress. Days before the Baby shower for our son I found it all. I found only fans, porn links for days, twitter, Instagram, tick Tok, secret emails and PayPal accounts. When searching for everything I found he was talking to a girl named Layla. I messaged her told her my story then she sent me the screenshots of him sexting her. He was talking about taking off her panties, it killed me, but at the same time I felt on fire. You would think it stopped there but that was the big iceberg. To make things even almost a year later we have decided to do an open relationship.

[secretsofacammodel]

cam session am 101723

So far it's a slow morning. we have had a couples asks about skypes but no show yet. Not that I really want to do it. If im being honest I love this job. I get to chill and relax and talk to friends. Who would want that. Do I have sell my soul yea but the price is right sometimes.

Have you ever just heard a song that hits you. Like you had no idea who you where before it. There's always the songs that bring you back. Music like that is my drug. There's a reason I just smoke. I feel like I would be an addict. If I was on Ativan and morphine and had a way to get it yea I would soooo be a drug addict.

[secretsofacammodel]

day something

I forgot that I even started this. I got caught up in life. My self help book suggested I get back to this. So here we go again. I am a cam model. I am also a mom now. I struggle with this. I want to be the fun girl I use to be. I also want to be the Pinterest mom that I wanted to be in high school. These two worlds do not blend so well. I have been a mom for almost 8 months if you don't count pregnancy. I have been a cam model for almost for years. ( nov 3rd). I feel like if I leave then I am leaving a part of myself behind. I get that becoming a mom you have to leave somethings behind, but I feel like I have already given up so much. My body, worries, stress, freedom, and sanity. Don't get me wrong I love being a mom but giving up the one job that I have had for so long and the lifestyle that it brings sounds like a little much right now. Would i trade camming for my kid? Never, but damn this is hard.

New topic:

So there is this song. Back to you by Selena Gomez. it's from 13 reasons why I'm pretty sure. I'm also sure that it is about an ex. Whenever i hear this song ( that is currently playing) I think about the younger me. The party and drop everything for a random night in California. It's not that I was the shit or anything. That I had it all figured out back then. Just that it was a freedom that I haven't been able to taste since I got to Texas. I tried to find it when I first got here. I tasted it a little but, but in a different way. I miss sex on the beaches with a bowl of limes at the down the street bar that I use to go to every other night to forget how sad I was. That's another thing. I am not sad anymore. I'm pissed the fuck off at myself.

New topic: I am a wife now. Crazy right. How everything has changed so fast since coming here. I figured it would happen but just not like this. Not that what this is currently is not a good thing just different then I thought it was going to end. I didn't get the dress (which I found and tried on). I didn't get the white fence. I got cheating while pregnant and picking out a wedding dress. I got losing the house and car twice all within a year. I got family divided on topics for latter. On top of a hard pregnancy. This was not the plan.

New topic:

Work. I have been in the top 1000 (for all about a week) hey still better than the last time I was writing about this. The thrill I get when I see that just makes me feel so proud of all the hard work I have put in. Normally by the end of the month I'm in between the 4000-5000, but for that week it makes me feel like a bad ass.

[secretsofacammodel]

Down the Rabbit hole

I went four days without a drink. It doesn’t sound long, and it isn’t, but it felt like weeks to me. Not having my daily drink was hell. I have every intention of starting over tomorrow morning, but for tonight its go big or go home. I’m on drink two about to go on three. Vodka is my best friend and enemy. Someone I missed so much. It makes me think what if it came down to the people in my life or vodka which one would I pick? Right now I would pick the vodka. It has never left me like people have. I heard that some people in recovery hate the smell and taste of alcohol, but not me. My mouth waters as I smell the sharpness of it. I’m not even lying. The sharp smell of alcohol literally makes my mouth water. Will I ever be able to stop? 

[secretsofacammodel]

Day 835 part one

So i’m starting this because my therapist thought it would be a good idea. I started camming on MFC November 3rd 2019. When I first started, I felt sexy, powerful, and like a boss as bitch. Now I feel gross, used, and like a failure. I knew there was a price for selling your soul I just didn’t see it coming like this. I guess i’m bored of talking to 9 to 5ers about being a cam model. They are always there for me, laugh at my stories, and give me new ideas to the problems that I have. Things they do not do though are understand how lonely I am all the time, how much of a failure I am, and how hard this job can be.

I have Tumblr for years (even the good ones) , but I never thought I would make a blog that was something other than pictures. So here we go with it and maybe it will help work though some of the problems I can’t fully explain to the 9 to 5ers. How I created an alter ego that I sometimes can’t keep in line. How I feel like there is no one to talk to other then the clients. How when the room is as empty as my bank account you feel like you don’t belong to even work on the site. How keeping up with all the lies you tell everyone family and clients mess up your reality. I think the lies are the worst personally. They come so fast and naturally that sometimes I forget it’s a lie. Most of my family thinks I work for a candle company and my clients think I want sex everyday all day for starts.

Lies I have told my family and friends before I opened up to some I will admit where not the best. I had an exam that I had to study for, so I needed to be alone for hours at a time in full make up. I had movies nights with family in full make up once a week. I cried about my grandma to get people out of the house to work. (Grandma would of approved so stop looking at me that way.) That I was sending dirty snaps to my boyfriend when it was really to other men. Yes, I know not well, but we will get more into that. I wouldn’t judge me too soon. I was sick so I couldn’t make it to event like super bowl and parties so I could have time to work. Honestly if you can’t tell I was addicted to the money and the love.

Lying to my clients started off small then grew to be the web I can’t seem to get out of. I used to be able to count on my hand all the lies. Now I play the yes game to make sure I don’t slip up with some of the clients. By the way the yes game is when you basically say yes to everything. This leads to the domino effect that makes to be this cock loving whore who will do anything and everything. That I may or may not have someone in my life and where I live. Some clients know just about everything about me. They know where i live, who I love, how I really am outside of camming, and some of my dark secrets. No one know the full me though. I give them parts of me as time and money comes around. 4

There used to be one client that I really opened up to and the money was just a bonus. Sadly, things on his end where a little shiny then they should be. Let’s call them Goldstar. Gold star was always there for me when I needed anything. Sometimes even my internet bill that was two months overdue. He started to want things I could never give. I was with my boyfriend at the time and was trying to work on our problems. I didn’t want to have a relationship like that with a client. I was still fresh meat on the site. It never even crossed my mind that that would cross theirs. I had to set lines and hold the walls up. Eventually he became a friend I talk to sometimes with out the money, but it was never the same. I had to put better walls up to keep the money flowing. Once the fell in love it was bye bye check book hello late night make up calls for free. I let them fall grab what I can and dip before the ask what my ring size is. By the way it’s a seven.

[secretsofacammodel]

Hello, my name is ... and I’m an alcoholic

Tonight, I will finally admit it. I’m an alcoholic. Tonight, I opened a new bottle of pink lemonade vodka. A summer flavor. One that brings painful memories that I love to remember. I just smelled the bottle and nothing more. My mouth waters at the idea of the sugary drink. I have been alcohol sober for almost 4 days. Most nights I have cravings to drink. They said this would happen, but I didn’t think this bad or this much. They say the hard part is admitting you have a problem. Well, I have a problem. I guess you could say I knew this a while back ago. I just wanted to feel normal somewhere in my life for once I guess. Everyone asks me how did this become a problem. I mostly tell them it got bad when I started camming. That would be the lie. Honestly I can’t tell you where it started. 

I would love to say that I remember being 17, but the truth is I remember parts of it. Some are good like hanging out with my best friend at the time (let’s call her Tuesday). Some bad like the night with Jaun. The smell of Pink Chiffon from Bath and Body Works or the taste of lemonade and cheap vodka. I think the name was Gordan’s vodka, but i’m not sure. I was never home. Slept where I was for the night. Someone’s truck, school soccer felid, some boys house that I decided to entertain that night., or my favorite the bathroom I shared with my family. Things happened that summer. I lost my two best friends because of a “misunderstanding”. I moved out of my mom’s house because of yet another “misunderstanding”. My friends thought drunk girls passed out meant free game. My mom thought holding your friend’s drugs was okay. You see things arn’t as easy as they seem.  So now you see why I was always drinking. It never stopped. I became everything I never wanted to be,but could never find a way to stop. I was in a spiral that would never see the day of light. 

When I was between the ages of 18-20 I was up and down more then ever. Enter the Bipolar that not yet discovered. one down that really sticks out is one of the reasons I want to fully quit. My mom was back in my life after two years. It’s a long story for another time. Anyways she gave me some pills for my nervousness and headaches. She didn’t know I would abuse them. She didn’t know that I would get violent with them and hit my boyfriend Kris. She didn’t know I was a user. 

I think my last rock bottom was in winter. I was officaly bipolar and on medication. Rule number one: Do not drink on your medication. I decided I was superman that night and nothing would effect me. I went to the casino where they give you free drinks. After an amount that I can not remember I found myself in handcuffs and in jail for 18 hours for domestic violence. I got home and tried to fight my boyfriend Trey. Didn’t really work out for me the best. That’s the short story of that. You would think I would get sober after that wake up call right? Nope I just watched it better, but even that lead to me drunk again screaming at someone again. This shit is rough. 

[secretsofacammodel]

Day 837 : Welcome to Drunks show!

So today started off rough as fuck! I woke up early for my show at 6am. I wanted to give myself enough time to do my morning stuff. 8am rolls around and he says he has to cancel. Normally I don’t mind when that happens and understand. Today was not the day for it though. I canceled everything I had to do personal and work wise because it was coming cash app and not tokens. It’s also a huge show that would cover my rent for the month. So, I asked for some type of payment for the circumstances. Now he can do the show. Okay cool works for me. I still get my money. Then he had to go to the bank and cash his check and get beer. Come on Drunks get your shit together. Then cash app would not take his card for some reason. Tokens will have to do for today, I guess. The only problem with tokens is that i would only get about 150$ for today’s show. I really needed the extra 100$ for rent, but i’ll take what I can.  I wouldn’t mind the shows if they were not boring as fuck. I sit and drink and watch him pee into bottles. Now i’m not saying that it’s hard I’m just saying I’m so bored. This whole show I am signing the beer on the wall song in my head. Great now he want a butt plug in. Why are you making me work today for this price Drunks? Yes, I am writing this while I watch him. What else am I suppose too do? Honestly asking for suggestions at this point. Smile, drink, and watch that is what I will do for the next two hours of my life. His room is messy, but the closet is neat. His bed spread I know I have seen from an ex that he got at Walmart. Now i’m seeing how fast I can make him drink all his beer. Maybe if I make tap out, I can leave sooner. Sounds bad and it is. Four beers down sixteen to go it’s only been twenty minutes. I figured I would just be on here typing to get me entertained. I’m trying to hard not to laugh right now. He has to go to the bathroom not to pee. His words not mine. Camera is still on, so the time is still running sounds perfect. 

Side topic while I wait for him to come back. I have seen so much since I started camming. I have seen guys with hairy asses try to twerk while they hump a pillow, guys that dress up as different girls, and guys who cum on themselves and eat it. I’m not saying any of this is bad. I don’t judge kinks harshly even if they are not mine. Things I have kinked to are forced gay (when they pretend to not like guys). Yell at someone that they are the world’s worst person and tell a guy to shove ice up his ass. 

Okay he is back. So, we are doing a promise to pay. A credit system that I give out to some clients when needed. It’s the biggest limit I have done yet. The system in place is the ask for an amount I see if I can approve it. If I trust them enough (or really need the money) I’ll approve the amount and set a payment date. Drunk is offering another 2900 tokens for another two hours of drunk time. He will pay me next Friday. If not, he will be banned from MFC, Skype, and snapchat Saturday. No excuses or bullshit. Part of myself is kicking me in the head with steal toed boots the other is saying rent is at least paid. I did find out some valuable information though. He has more than he leads on to play with. Always a bonus to learn you can do better right? He wants to pee on me. He wants me to pee on him. Something I am not into. Now I am watching him pee into a juice bottle. The sound honestly makes me want to gag. Something that I remember from me ex. Guys will drink a lot because it makes them last longer. I knew there was a reason that I didn’t like this idea. When it comes to Skype shows they pay you for how long they think they will be. If they finish sooner that is on them. They can go clean up or they can sit and chill till the time is up. The new goal is to make him cum as soon as I can. Maybe I’ll be able to get off sooner. Can you tell I love doing this yet? Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind the personal shows. It’s the rent and boring ones I don’t like. I like the ten minute shows. They are quick and dirty just the way I like them. I have a few guys that I do long shows with, but they talk more than anything. 

We just made him cum! let’s see what will happen next!

[secretsofacammodel]

Day: 836

So today was so laughable. I have a client named Drunk. He tips me to get drunk and make him cum one on one. sounds easy right? It is if you like to watch them chug a beer then pee into the bottle, burp on cam, and get turned on by all of it. 2999 tokens is a big chunk and 250$ is even bigger so I would be stupid not to take it when my bank account is in the negatives. Something about having to get a second job that I do not really want to do makes me less likely to bend the rules. I charge 60 tokens/3$ a minute so when they ask for 6 hours for less than what I would sell my soul for its just funny. Sadly, I am broke so I took the show. I made the show 5 hours instead of 6 so I could have time for myself that day before getting online. I guess I now sell my soul for $1.20 a minute.

[secretsofacammodel]

Day 836

Today I started my substance abuse program. I have to go to group three times a week and one on one session once a week. It seems like it should help with the drinking. I started drinking heavy when I started MFC. I was drinking three tall mike hard lemonades a night if not more. I would get so drunk I would spill secrets I wasn’t ready to tell to anyone and everyone who would listen. It eventually got to the point I was drinking before, during, and after work just to deal with everything going on. When I found out I was bipolar I started drinking more to just cope with the fact that something was wrong with me. I thought I could never be fixed, and I did not want to take the medication they gave me because they did not want me to drink with them. When they told me that I thought it was impossible to stop. Almost two years later I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I am fixable and I could stop drinking if I have some help. 

Today I have to get off early so I can make it to my first group meeting. I’m scared, but I know I have to push though it so I can better myself. It sucks that I have to miss work to get better in my opinion. Lately I have been wondering if camming is really the best thing for me. Maybe I can’t do this job without hurting myself. I have been working on drinking every other night and so far it has been going pretty well. I still have bad days when all I want to do is drink like a fish. I just want to be a fish swimming in vodka or rum all day not caring about a thing in the world. I now know that I can’t keep living like that. I need to take care of myself and work on being a better person for myself. 

My worst drunk moment is when I went to jail for a DV offence. I was on a date night with my boyfriend at the time. Let’s call him Trey. Trey and I have had some serious problems to work on including getting back together. Confusing I know but more will come with that later. We had a nice dinner where I got a fishbowl at Red Lobster. A fishbowl was some yummy drink that I had no idea what was in it, but it was the size of a fishbowl. For real it was just a large yummy blue drink that would start the downfall of the night. I finished the drink and was already seeing double. We then went to the casino to play blackjack where they also give you free drinks. Who doesn’t like free drinks? At this time I stopped caring how many I have had. I started asking for new drinks that I have never had before. Things where starting to slip from my mind, but I didn’t care. We got home and that is when things started to get ugly. We got into a petty fight. If you ask him I threw the first hit not that I remember to even fight the fact. I don’t remember much. I do remember being choked, hit, and hitting back. I remember hurting my hand when I tried to punch the bedroom door. I made a dent in it and had scratches all over my hand. Next thing I know the police are at the door asking what was going on. Ten minutes later in in cuffs being walked to a car to take me away. I was in for 18 hours with a cell mate that would not stop crying. She was also in for DV so I guess we could bond over that for a while. They gave us an apple, cookies, and some type of sandwich that honestly I was scared to eat. I have starved myself longer then 18 hours, but the alcohol in my system was telling me to eat least the apple and cookies. I called my mom I swear every ten minutes to find out the time, if there was a way out now, what t do, and honestly someone to talk to that wasn’t crying about being in here. I wasn’t scared I was just cold and fucking bored. My plan was to sleep as much as I could on the cold and wet floor as much as possible. I would take a nap then call my mom. Repeat for the next 18 hours. My boyfriend packed me warm clothes that I could change into. I asked if I could change out of my crop top and shorts into the warmer clothes and they said nope. So that sucked.  I got out late the next night. My phone was dead, and I was freezing even with the clothes I was allowed to change into after being released. I stood on the side of the road waiting for my mom to pull up. The crying girl let me use her phone until she got picked up by her boyfriend. My mom picked me up took me to Olive Garden then to her house to see what I wanted to do about my living situation. I got my phone on and saw a text from Trey. He said he was sorry and understood if I wanted him out of the house that night. I honestly did not know what I wanted to do. All I knew is that I wanted a shower and some real sleep. I went home and did not say a word till the next morning. I wanted to still work on things with Trey. I wanted to forget the night even happened. I would love to say that’s when I decided to get sober, but it was not. I just watched it more carefully when other people where around me. As time passed, I slipped more and more. I was drunk all the time again. I guess I don’t learn that fast. 

I am not sure the exact moment I wanted to get sober. I can’t pinpoint a day, time, or a real reason why. I just woke up one day and said I can’t do this to myself or others anymore. It’s not fair to my medication or the people I care about to clean up my messes anymore. 

[secretsofacammodel]

Boyfriend Rant

I have the most amazing boyfriend. I know everyone says that, but I really do. I have had what I thought was the most amazing guy ever. No, the where the most amazing red flag carnival I had ever seen. The emotional, physical, or mental abuse I got from my carnivals was the life I had before I found him. I could list the many ways he is, but you guys would stop reading after the 100th reason. What he doesn’t do is a way shorter list. He doesn’t hit me, choke me, tell me what to do, belittles my opinions, tell me to be someone I am not.

There are some things that make me sad about us. I hate how far we are. He lives over an hour from me so seeing him on a bad day is pretty much out of the question. It does make the time we do have more special. Makes me second think if whatever is bothering me is that big of a deal to waste time fighting. Another thing that hurts is when he tries to be sweet and I ptsd react. For example, he went to touch my cheek and I moved like he was about to slap me. Things like this he gets a look in his eyes. Almost like he’s thinking I should of known and asking himself why I react this way.

I talked to my therapist about this. Sadly, her advice I found hard to take. She told me that it just takes time. I wanted something to work on. Something to do with positive sayings and maybe an art project to work on. All I got was time and as of lately it was not my friend. I feel like I have been waiting for things way too much. Wait to move out of my apartment with my ex boyfriend. Wait for the pay raise I was promised. Wait to feel better about myself. I honestly see something with him that I have never seen before. When I was in other relationship I saw friendship, marraige, or a family, but never all. With Brad I see everything.

[secretsofacammodel]

Day: 835 part two

Now that the intro is complete, we can get to today’s cam session. So far today has been full of fast typing this blog and speaking to my client Pinks. Today Pinks can’t play much. Honestly that’s okay. He is keeping me entertained while I wait for others to come into the room. Pinks like to be a switch and is a lovely person to talk to even out of the dirtiness of MFC. He said not to trust him to the max yet. I respect that so much for some reason. When he told me that I had to take a second to think about it. I took the advice and I think we have a good relationship. He is one of the few guys that do not think being a cam model is just for fun or a dating site. He tips for talking and playing and understands that it is a business. Jake just came in so thats always good! He doesn’t tip much becuase of his kids (something I can respect), but he talks to me no matter what shape my room is in that day. He also understands that this is a business and never pushes for anything free. Master T has been in and out of my room all day. Master T tips once a month for premium snap. Talks dirty and wants to have a forever with me more then he can even put into words. Now this sounds cute and all right? No, it’s like a child that pokes and pokes needing reassurance of the role a play in his life. I play the girl next door that he thinks he can have. Thanks a lot romance movies. It’s really my fault I thought playing girlfriend to men I would never see would be easy money. It’s all fun and games till the fall in love and want to marry you. No that’s not me being on my horse that really happens.

This week has been so slow. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, but I have to keep reminding myself that guys treat us like ice cream flavors. I feel like I can be a few different flavors but sometimes they want peanut butter chunk and I’m strawberry swirl. Some cam models think it’s all luck others think it’s the way to present yourself. Personally, I’m torn. Some clients come in and they act like they are surprised they have never found me before. Always feels nice to feel like a unicorn somedays.