#i wrote it for myself and even if sometimes im not a 100% satisfied with i know i did it so i could enjoy it first and foremost

[osarina]

I just wanna say that I really love and appreciate the fact that your readers are many in positions of powers or like possess an ability/are intelligent and such and are not helpless or bland 🙏🏻 just so that there isn’t an misunderstanding I’m not shading a specific writer or person no no no, I’m just personally so happy to see x readers where the reader has a bit of personality and authority even though I know that most writers leave the reader blank for the readers convenience, I personally always imagine myself as a Mary Sue in my fantasies, not some random person, so it’s satisfying seeing that in your work. Although I 100% would love and adore whatever you wrote regardless of how the reader was!

THANK YOU SO MUCH OMG - okay i actually must admit, i do get nervous sometimes with my readers 😭 because i see frequent discourse over fleshed out readers vs blank readers, and i know that mine are VERYYYYY fleshed out. but honestly, for me that’s the fun in writing ��� i like giving readers background, agency, and influence on the plot. i think u all know by now that i’m a writer that’s works on like very plot intense fics & thats really hard to do with a blank slate reader so i usually have to build them up and flesh them out a lot, but it makes me nervous because ive seen writers get backlash for that before 😭 so what im trying to say is thank you because it’s very reassuring to hear that you like these types of readers because they’re not the most popular in fandom i’ve found

[littlelambdrgnfly]

Ok since you reblogged that one post I hope you know I reread The Sum of Them for the 3rd time, maybe like a month ago, up until the last chapter and i never finished it cause i didnt want to experience it ending again (if that makes sense), i wish it never ended. I wish they could play baby games forever but its so important it does end because the ending is soo beautiful but so devastating, and it's beautiful because its so devastating, and my heart cant take experiencing that again :'-(

i already sent a message on here saying that your fic was the first fic to make me cry, possibly the first piece of LITERATURE in general to make me cry (i could be wrong but i cant remember any piece before that), and it made me cry 2 times when reading it for the first time. It is truly my favorite piece of McLennon fanfiction, but the only reason i dont fully consider it mine is that if someone were to ask me, it'd be too taboo/freaky to say but its truly one of the most heartfelt and complex ways ive ever seen anyone portray John and Paul while also feeling completely accurate and realistic. My god. And i love so many of your other fics too but The Sum of Them really means so much to me and I cant even say that enough. i wish you could just live as me and be inside my mind to fully grasp how much of an affect it had on me, I dont think i will ever be able to explain it sadly </3. But just know out of every McLennon fic ive ever read (and ive read many), THAT one is my very favorite out of like 100+. The way you characterize them is just so completely different from any other fic ive read and its so intimate and raw and holy shit i dont even have the words. Sorry i know im rambling at this point but I just think about it a lot! Also your fics are the only fics i enjoy anymore, (recent) beatles fics have gone down the drain in my opinion and yours are the only ones i can be satisfied with because, as far as im concerned, anything you write is automatically in-character for them after reading The Sum of Them lol x) thank you so SO much for writing cause it's truly exposed so many of my own desires and hidden , sensitive parts of myself that couldn't be excavated any other way without your work 💖

Dude... this is legitimately one of the best comments I've ever gotten. I wish I could memorize all of this and replay it for myself whenever I'm feeling blue. Thank you so so much, it means the world to me! I think all writers insert their own thoughts and emotions into their work, and I definitely do that in all of mine, but especially The Sum of Them. This fic is basically my wishlist of things I would do with a partner, as well as coming to better terms with my own kinks, so I'm glad it's been able to resonate with people. I'm also glad that I managed to keep John and Paul in character, even if John is crying every other paragraph lmao! I totally get what you're saying about wishing I could experience what you did, I wish I could too. Sometimes I reread my fics with the mindset of someone reading it for the first time, but it's just not the same. I'd give my left tit for more writers on my level or higher who wrote bottom!John or even ABDL fics, I swear. I don't read a lot of fics these days, but I'm usually disappointed whenever I check the Beatles tab. I'm also really really bad at remembering titles and author names, so I never remember what fics that I like! Thank God for bookmarks. I definitely understand not wanting to tell people that this is your favorite fic though, lol! I've been writing Beatles fics for a long time, but I created a new account on AO3 when I started writing these fics. I'm comfortable talking about this stuff, but only with the help of an alternate profile. I'm really really happy to help people explore this side of themselves though-- too often fics like mine are just really gross over-the-top and completely unrealistic portrayals in my opinion, and I guess I wanted to bring something sweeter and more realistic to the table. <3

[funkylittlebidiot]

I have a question because im super curious. Where d'you get your inspiration for your fic when ironstrange ship has sink. Tony is dead and Doctor Strange might be ship to other avengers soon? And why d'you like them so much? They're cute but why d'you ship them?

First thing’s first: Tony Stark is dead TO YOU, to me he’s alive and thriving, and just adopted two more kids. 💕

Second; Why do people ship anything? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I mean I have ships that make a lot less sense than ironstrange - like Miles and Harley, who (arguably) don’t even exist in the same universe. Sometimes you just see two characters and think ‘neat!’ and your brain takes it from there. I can assure you that 100% of the ships I make content for or read fic about will never happen - and I don’t expect them to. I don’t WANT them to.

I love Pepperony and love that they’re canon. ❤️ And it’s because they’re canon and I enjoy them like that I don’t need to read or make anything else for them. Ironstrange, on the other hand, is a story I’m constantly craving and will never get. An insatiable want. The most I can do is read other people’s take on it. 

For example, one of my favorite ships is Andriel from the foxhole court. I fucking LOVE them. And their story is PERFECT the way it is. It’s already satisfying me in every way, so if I want to enjoy them I just reread it instead of reading an alternate story that has a 95% chance of being less enjoyable.

Besides, Ironstrange is untainted by canon, meaning they’re nothing but potential. So I can just look at who they are as characters and imagine 14000605 possible ways their relationship could develop. 

I see these two people, both with similar personalities and stories, and think about the ways they would compliment or clash with each other. THAT’s what makes them fun to work with.

Why do I ship it? I could make a whole list of things I love about them but when it comes down to it I genuinely don’t fucking know what it is exactly that made me dedicate all my time to them. I’m not even sure i would have caught on to the ship if it wasn’t for my mutuals blogging about it before I even started the MCU. 😳

So what is it about them that makes them special enough to be the one ship I decided to make content for after years of not writing? 

I think it’s BECAUSE their storyline is so tragic. When I started writing About Him, which was my first Ironstrange fic, it was because I was pissed at canon, had finished most of the fics that appealed to me, and was still missing something I wanted for them. I REALLY wanted a scene where Stephen punched Steve in Tony’s defense even though his hands are fucked up (I was reading a lot of anti team cap fic at the time sue me 😳). So I wrote it! And really enjoyed it! And then figured out I was missing even more stuff that I wanted to create myself!

And then having amazing friends to encourage you and inspire you with their own content of the ship gives it a whole new motivation to keep loving it.

So yeah, not sure if this was an answer or even in any way understandable but anyway i love them a lot because of feeling in chest when thinky about they ❤️

Also if you don’t mind me turning the tables and asking you a question - and i mean this in the most genuinely curious way possible - why do you follow me (i’m assuming you do based on the question if not you can ignore) if not for ironstrange? 🤔 If there’s other people following me for reasons other than ironstrange please let me know why because i’m DYING to know 👀👀

[mittensmorgul]

I’m rewatching 13.15, A Most Holy Man, right now, and... and I remember when it first aired. The reaction was largely “meh,” or “the noir format doesn’t really do it for me and the episode was kinda boring overall.” It’s possibly the s13 episode I have the least amount of posts for on my blog. It was largely skimmed over as mostly irrelevant, with the only takeaway being:

A. They got the macguffin they needed to progress the A plot by the end of the episode

and

2. They really should’ve cut that scene of Dean going on about how he’d kill everyone who tried to steal his car...

But... this was a Dabb episode. I wrote this post back in May, but I think it merits an additional look now:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/184946657745/so-im-still-out-ahead-of-the-tnt-loop-but-i

Because this single episode functions as a microcosm of their entire lives, at least thematically, if not in a 1:1 fashion. I mean, it is just a 42 minute episode. There were only so many twists and layers they could reasonably shove in, and the Rule Of Three is a convenient metric for demonstrating the pattern in narrative shorthand that invites us to consider the unspoken “etc. etc. ad nauseum” ourselves.

I’d go into the entire structure of the episode, but I’m hoping that just explaining the outcome-- after reading the post I linked above-- everyone will be able to see the parallel itself without me having to write 5k words on the subject today. :P

Let’s start with the exchange at the end of the episode that prompted this realization. Because it’s a bit of chicanery:

FATHER LUCCA: I think I got shot. [DEAN lifts up FATHER LUCCA’s shirt to see only a little blood.] DEAN: Looks like he just grazed you. A few more inches to the left and, uh... FATHER LUCCA: It’s a miracle. [SAM and DEAN, with FATHER LUCCA behind them, search the warehouse and find GREENSTREET still hiding.] GREENSTREET: I didn’t know this would happen. I… I’ll give you anything you want, huh? DEAN: The blood, where is it? GREENSTREET: It, uh… doesn’t exist. SAM: You… what? Wait a second. You told us– GREENSTREET: Exactly what you wanted to hear. It was just a bit of… DEAN: Chicanery? GREENSTREET: Exactly. DEAN: Well… chicane this. [DEAN punches GREENSTREET to the ground.] ACT FIVE EXTERIOR – WAREHOUSE – NIGHT [There are police cars outside the warehouse. A policeman leads GREENSTREET to a car and sits him inside.] GREENSTREET: No, no, no, no. Wait. Don’t – you – you – you’ve made a mistake.

For a refresher, Greenstreet was the author of this entire bit of chicanery. For a while, it appeared as if it was actually each of the other people involved:

Margaret Astor, the first person we meet, and also the one APPARENTLY holding all the cards when they walk into the final deal, who ends up backstabbed (well shot in the back anyway, close enough) by her own assistant

she sent them to Greenstreet, who introduced the term “chicanery” to the narrative, which I’m gonna focus on next, because despite all his plotting, his narrative didn’t end the way he wanted (he’s getting hauled off to jail, but heck, at least he didn’t end up dead like most of the rest of these conspirators...)

Greenstreet sent them to Scarpatti, with the partially true information that he’d been the one to have the artifact stolen in the first place, only to learn that it had been stolen from his man in turn...

(and remember, the skull isn’t actually what Sam and Dean need... it’s the currency they believed they needed in order to trade for what they DO actually need... it’s a bit of a chicane... which I’ll get to... sorry for this meandering on the way to the conclusion, but this little side journey is 100% relevant... you’ll see what I mean in a minute)

While investigating Scarpatti’s side-detour, they end up having to investigate a murder, and inadvertently stumble over Father Lucca Camilleri... but Sam and Dean have no idea that they’re now traveling through this episode with the thing THEY actually need. But rather than just... take what they need because that fact hasn’t been revealed to them yet, or even continue to pursue the currency they believe they need to trade for the elusive thing they need, they selflessly choose to do the morally right thing despite believing that in doing so they are forfeiting their chance to get the macguffin they need.

Ain’t it just Winchesters vs The Cosmos on a microscopic level?

Because one thing I’ve learned about Dabb as showrunner is that his absolute favorite thing is gleefully pointing back at canon and explicitly clarifying things. It’s not always obvious, he tends to be incredibly subtle, but if you’re looking for it, it’s impossible not to see in pretty much all of his writing. He LOVES messing with prior perception, and making us work for the satisfying moment where all the pieces fall into place.

Chicanery and the chicane. THAT ITSELF IS A CLARIFICATION. From vague to specific. Because “a chicane” is a very different thing than “chicanery.” And it’s all a bit of a winding deception.

For reference, the definitions of these two very different words:

chi·can·er·y /SHəˈkān(ə)rē/ noun, the use of trickery to achieve a political, financial, or legal purpose. "an underhanded person who schemes corruption and political chicanery behind closed doors" synonyms: trickery, deception, deceit, deceitfulness, duplicity, dishonesty, unscrupulousness, underhandedness, subterfuge, fraud, fraudulence, legerdemain, sophistry, sharp practice, skulduggery, swindling, cheating, duping, hoodwinking

and

chicane (/ʃɪˈkeɪn/) noun, a serpentine curve in a road, added by design rather than dictated by geography. Chicanes add extra turns and are used both in motor racing and on roads and streets to slow traffic for safety.

What the definition of “chicane” doesn’t provide is that in auto racing, a chicane isn’t seen as a “safety” measure, but an obstacle. If you’ve ever watched road racing, the chicane is where a lot of drivers wipe out. It’s a choke point where everyone HAS to slow down, but when you’re RACING each other, the objective is to remain out in front, you know? Jockeying for position, trying to get through the obstacle as quickly as possible to get back to direct racing toward the finish line. So while a chicane literally slows the racing by design, forcing drivers to adapt to the physical reality of safely navigate through the pinch point while not wrecking themselves, they need to maintain absolute focus to retain their position, as well. It’s not about slowing down for safety but about finding the balance point between “safely navigating through without wrecking myself or being wrecked by the other cars trying to achieve the same objective I am” and “but we’re still racing and I can’t let anyone pass me so I’m still gonna push it as fast as I can while still conforming to the laws of known physics.” It’s... difficult.

THREE TIMES in this episode, they use the word “chicanery” before Dean clarifies it to “chicane.” For reference, out of the other 306 episodes of this show that exist at the time of writing this post, they’ve used “chicanery” a grand total of ZERO other times. Seems significant, yes?

In the same way the show has frequently used Wizard Of Oz imagery to convey these same points, with the reminder in the end of the “you had the power inside you all along” sort of themes, this episode takes it one step further. Which... logical considering the nature of the spiral narrative, that when it comes around again, the circumstances aren’t exactly the same. Think of it in terms of that racetrack with the chicane.

In the case of the plot of this episode, a similar comparison can be drawn to The DaVinci Code, since through most of the wild goose chase running through all the games and puzzles, the guy is literally traveling with the object he seeks. It just doesn’t become obvious, like with Dorothy and her Ruby Slippers, until they’ve worked their way through all the puzzles and subterfuge along the way. As Dean says in Scoobynatural when Sam points out that if he knows how the episode ends, why don’t they just get to the point already, and Dean replies “Because sometimes it’s about the journey.” Rather intuitive meta observation about the point of the narrative structure, yes?

Back to our road race analogy now, after passing through the chicane chicane. Every lap, the drivers are driving through the same essential course. The shape of the road doesn’t change in the most fundamental way. The same parts are still paved, the walls around the edges don’t move, etc. But each time they drive around, other conditions vary. Their tires wear down so their traction changes. Heck, the drivers themselves are wearing out physically and mentally. Maybe a dude’s just thirsty or has an itch on his nose or just has to pee real bad. Maybe the wind speed or direction has changed. Maybe the sun has moved so different turns become more tricky with a glare in their eyes. Their engines are slowly shifting as wear and tear of operating at a high performance level alters performance. Their brakes might be wearing down. They may be in need of more fuel and are driving more conservatively, or may have just gotten new fuel or new tires or made some other alteration to their car that shifts not only their ability to go faster, but changes how they handle corners, etc. But there’s also the factor of all the OTHER cars driving around them. Maybe they’ve hit the chicane all by themselves because they’re out ahead of the pack (or trailing far behind it). Maybe they’re clustered tightly together with other drivers. Maybe there was a wreck that altered the road surface... cleaning up fuel/oil spills, sand or dirt having “spilled” out onto the road surface, maybe a slight drizzle started making it more slippery, or even random trash has blown from the stands into the road, or debris from a wreck-in-progress hampers their progress. There are SO MANY FACTORS at play that make each lap around the course an entirely different experience, you know?

Same with the spiral narrative. The major landmarks might be similar, but everything else is new.

And the moment Dean says “chicane this” and punches the author of this series of events in the face, that’s basically 14.20, yes?

They’re tired, and they’re on the last lap, and they’ve been through this chicane so many times now. And they’ve just been told that after every lap, Chuck refused to wave the checkered flag. They kept reaching the finish line over and over, only to discover it was also the starting line and the race was still going. And each time through Chuck’s big chicane, he’d deliberately change those variables, so the more experience they gained on the track, there’d always be a bit of new debris to navigate, a new difficulty level added.

And now in 14.20, it’s like they finally caught him in the act of throwing thumbtacks down on the road, you know? They caught him at his tricks.

And like, to use a favorite metaphor of Dabb’s, it’s like the roadrunner and the coyote. Only the roadrunner had always known all along that the coyote was laying traps for him and always found the most hilarious ways to foil the coyote’s plans and turn it back around on him. It took them 14 seasons for TFW to finally pull a roadrunner.

This has always been Dabb’s ending, because it’s actually the story he has been telling all along. The spiral’s broken, and instead of continuing lap after lap with no end in sight, they’ve finally realized they can just... stop driving in carefully paved loops and drive in a direct line to the finish.

(and maybe the only way to make it to the finish is to pave their own road around all of Chuck’s chicanery... it’s gonna be some heavy lifting and some rough off-roading, but it’s the only way to get off the track to victory lane)

(apologies, this is the sort of place my brain goes when Mr. Mittens is watching nascar at Road America in the background... but it’s super apt, and full disclosure, I started writing this about an hour before he turned the tv on. I was already on this road course >.>)

[tessa-and-friends]

a script that takes us out of love

Tessa Forrest · Things I Said

hey, so today I wanted to talk more about my first released song, it is called Things I Said, and It appeared to be a very important one for me. I am really attached to the lyrics, and very proud of how there are no filler lines in them, I wrote a lot more verses for that one, and then carefully chose only the meaningful ones, and gosh, that was satisfying. This song started with a guitar riff I played on the porch of my house on a July evening. I am not a skilled guitarist, and much more familiar with the piano, so when something that interesting and nice came out of my fingers... I wanted it to become a good song.

I was thinking of how it feels to come out of a stuffy house straight into a fresh summer night when you are at a party where you don’t feel you belong. I thought of how it feels to meet an old friend with whom you used to be very close once but ended up falling apart for all the wrong reasons. How you are happy to see them, but also feel awkward and regretful. How you start speaking, and at first it feels great, but also like walking across a minefield, because there are too many things you don’t talk about. And then one of you speaks something that triggers you both, and you already know the scrip of an argument you are going to have, so you just suggest getting outside and breathing some air to break the cycle.

  I tried to picture that moment, when you get so pissed off you say something you immediately regret, but also still fill pissed because sometimes... well sometimes people keep asking the question not because they want the truth, but because they want you to say something they want to hear from you, and make it true through your confirmation. If that makes sense.

In the next part of the song, I love how it goes straight to a normal conversation, you switch the topic to avoid the dangerous one. And also there is that bittersweet feeling like you pretend you moved on with your own life and you are so mature and independent, but also you was thinking of them every sleepless night and kept talking to them in your mind. And when you admit, I missed you so much. And also you think of your past back then it looked like you were fighting for all the right reasons but from the distance, it just looks like wasted precious time.

The next verse is “a few moments later” moment, I wanted to picture that feeling when you are talking in the kitchen with someone, in a low voice, and you both are so tired you feel numb, and also you feel like the sleepiness makes you dizzy and you might start talking about something you don’t want to. And so you just cut the conversation, saying, okay, let's go to sleep before we messed up the relationships we’ve just started fixing. 

Next part kind of sticks out for me? Whatever,  I think of it as a flashback of some idyllic time when we were kids and had fewer regrets and bad experiences, and more pure hope for the future, like those summers in high school when you feel the world is all yours. And the ending, epilogue, as I call it, is advice to myself on how to stop ruining relationships and my own life: learn to let go. If you are terrified to lose something, you will eventually end up losing it. Fear poisons everything, so we should not let it rule our lives. People go and stay (I talked about that in the MCR post, eventually), and no one will be with you 100% of your life, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or they won’t come back once they’ve left, and the only thing that lasts and means -- is love. The only power that could save us. Full lyrics in case you’re interested :)

Let’s go get some air, cause this conversation has gone wrong, Until we’re stuck in a script that takes us out of love It was on ten top things I didn’t wanna say, but you kept asking anyway, You never wanted the truth, truth doesn’t sounds good and now there’s nothing left to say   How have you been? I haven’t seen you ever since, those summer night wasted on fights and dumb regrets Im doing fine, with my own life, your constant presence in my mind And though I miss you more than I can ever tell Let’s go get some sleep cause we’ve been talking all night long Before we walk into trap that triggers my pressure point You were the closest friend that I have ever had And now we fall apart again It was decisions made, It was my fatal mistake And now there’s no one I can blame Let’s dance outside in sunset light to all those dreams that might come true In august skies, the stars won’t lie, our future looks so bright and full Of underlined lyric lines Let’s dance outside till sun will rise set out hopes high for tonight Let go of all things All the things you’re terrified to lose Before you let fear Take away the light that shines on you It comes and goes and stays There is no other way And love is one thing that remains

[xgeebabyx]

Book.

Here is my book. It’s not done. It’s Frerard. I will post updates occasionally. Please give me feedback. I’m trying to get better at writing

MAFIA MAN AND ME (available on Wattpad under the user DoctorDeathDafuc)

I walked into the school, pulling down my skirt, hanging my head down low. I avoided peoples gazes, making my way to the office to get my schedule. I signed in, waving meekly at the secretary who was looking at me with a mixture of confusion and disgust washed across her face. I solemnly marched to my locker, getting quite a few odd looks from my peers. 

I marched into my classroom, walking to the back and ignoring the curious peering gazes that leered at me and my skirt. I sat down at a desk far from everyone else’s and pulled out my book, opening to the page on the board. I stared up at the board and waited for class to begin. The teacher started calling roll and when he called out, “Gerard Way?” I panicked and meekly raised my hand. The teacher wrote it down and continued, but everyone’s eyes were on me. I stared ahead and listened intently when the teacher began droning on about poly whatevers. 

As soon as class ended I was out of my seat, rushing to my locker, spending as little time in the hallways as possible, knowing it was dangerous for me to be out here alone, seeing as I was a boy in a skirt. Clearly I wasn't fast enough because soon enough Bert McCracken, aka my worst nightmare, turned up right in front of me. “Hey faggot, miss me?” I meekly shook my head, before feeling the impact and pain of a fist on my cheekbone, making me cry out weakly and fall to the floor. I stayed down, knowing it was useless to fight back. I willed away the ears, swallowing thickly. I stared at the floor and didn't make a sound as I was pummeled by these monsters. The bell rang, and they all ran off. I stood up, brushing off my skirt, smoothing down my hair, and straightening my sweater before heading off to science. 

~le time skip to end of day~

I walked home, my head cloudy and full. My book bag was making unbearable pain on my shoulder, dragging me down so I was leaning uncomfortably to the left. I saw Bert and his cronies sitting on a bench on the opposite side of the street and started walking faster, desperate to reach my apartment building. I heard yelling behind me so I started to run.

 I reached my apartment, slamming the door shut. I leaned my head against it, panting uncontrollably, close to tears. I pressed the palm of my hands to my eyes, willing away the droplets. I inhaled before taking away my palms, sure the tears wouldn't fall. I leaned down and took off my boots, sliding around my floors in my pink bunny thigh highs. I reached my kitchen and walked in, brewing a pot of coffee before sliding over to my couch, clearing pencils, pens and half finished drawing and writing off of it before plopping down with a satisfying thump. I grabbed a clear page and a pen, letting my eyes roll back into my head, feeling my hand moving across the page, forming shapes I couldn't name and a feeling better than the best orgasm.

I heard the beeping of the coffee pot and slowly rolled my eyes back the correct direction, blinking a few times to adjust to the dim lighting of my shoddy apartment. I stood up, placing down my drawing and dragging my ass over to the kitchen counters. I grabbed a mug that didn't look too used, and poured the coffee. I dumped an alarming amount of sugar and creamer in before heading back to the couch and finally looking at the art I had created. It appeared to be a… skull with the word “Watch Out.” on it. There was a snake swirling out of its mouth holding a rose between its teeth. I sighed, before grabbing my paints and oil pastels and getting to work putting it on a canvas. I could get a solid $100 for this and on top of all my other art I had made this month, it would stack up to be a little over the rent payment, meaning I would have enough to buy new supplies.

~le next day~

I walked to Lemon and Sugar, my local cafe. When I got there I waved to my friend Lindsey behind the counter before walking to my favorite corner of the room and sitting down, pulling a sketchbook and a pen out of my bag and putting on sunglasses before rolling back my eyes and drawing. I had made a habit of the sunglasses when an old lady saw me and nearly had a heart attack before hitting me with a bible. Lindsey of course was no help throughout that traumatic encounter because A)she was stuck behind the cafes counter, and B) she was laughing too hard to move properly, much less talk. 

My hand was still moving by the time Lindsey got off work and she decided not to disturb me, instead choosing to sit across from me and watch me work. It was hours before I finally took off the sunglasses and rolled my eyes back into place, catching the fake disgusted look Lindsey was giving me. “I do not see how the hell you can draw with your eyes on the opposite side of your fucking head.” I giggled, folding up my sunglasses and storing them securely in their case before dropping them back into my bag. 

“It helps me think of Lindz, it may be a little strange, but it's fun.” with that, the conversation was over. I looked down at my drawing, seeing a beautiful tree with thousands of faces instead of leaves. I smiled, proud of my art. I glanced around, noticing the shop was mostly empty apart from me, lindsey, the cashier/ barista, and a heavily tattooed man in a suit who just so happened to be staring at me. I blushed and looked at the table, before glancing back at Lindsey, who had her eyes fixed on her girlfriend Jamia behind the counter. I smiled and nudged her. 

“Hey lover girl, do you think you could get me a coffee? It would give you a chance to flirt with Mimi.” she glowered at me, but got up anyways, walking over to the counter, fixing her face into a pleasant smile. I smiled at the table, glad for my friend and her success for not being single like me. I heard some footsteps before the bench across from me sighed and I looked up, ready to tease Lindsey, but the words got caught in my throat when the tattooed man was smiling pleasantly at me. 

“Hello cutie, I’m Frank, what's your name?” I hesitated, before reaching across the table to shake his hand. “I- I’m Gerard.” I squeaked out. He took my hand and shook it, before placing a gentle kiss on my hand. I blushed profusely, nibbling on my bottom lip. He smiled a genuine smile that reached his eyes. “I came over here to ask if i could have your number? I wanna take you out sometime.” he asked, his voice washing over me gently, giving me a strong pull behind my sternum and butterflies in my stomach. I mentally squealed, while on the outside I was calmly nodding. His smile got even wider and he pulled out a little business card and passed it to me. He pointed to his number, and I typed it into my phone, sending him a quick message and setting his contact name as “Frank from the coffee shop” He responded quickly and I smiled.

He stood up and waved, before walking out of the store. I glanced over to the counter where Lindsey and Jamia were watching me like proud parents. Once they knew I was looking, Lindsey wiped her dry eyes while Jamia started clapping like a maniac. I let out a burst of laughter, before standing up and curtseying. I smoothed out my skirt and marched over to the couple. “Linds, you promised a coffee. Where is it my sandwich maker?” she raised her eyebrow at me and I smirked. She slid a coffee across the counter and I sipped it, not losing eye contact. 

“No thank you Gerard? Wow, I should've kept the coffee to myself.” Lindsey muttered as I continued to obnoxiously slurp down my drink. I winked at her and walked back to my seat, packing up my art and pens before waiting for Lindsay by the door.

That night I had a lot to think through as I messaged back and forth with Frank, setting up a date next Saturday at 8 for dinner and a movie. I smiled, thinking about the sweet man from earlier. Now I just had to wait.

~le time skip to school on the friday before the date~

I walked down the halls, ignoring the calls of faggot screamed at me. I got shoved against the lockers, the force causing my skirt to fly up revealing my lace panties. I fixed my skirt before continuing to walk, my thigh high boots clacking against the linoleum tiles. I reached my locker and pulled out my history text books before stuffing them into my leather messenger bag and strutting calmly down the halls to my next class. 

I walked in and sat at the back, staring at the board. I saw the teacher eyeing my legs and I subtly flipped him off under the table. I knew he saw it the minute his eyes widened and he stared at my face. I raised an eyebrow and pursed my lips. He flinched away from my burning gaze before beginning his lesson. I zoned out until I heard the bell. “Gerard, please stay back for a second, I need to speak to you.” I rolled my eyes but stayed back, walking up to my teachers desk. 

“Yes? What is so important?” I questioned him. He cleared his throat. “You’re 18 now, that means you’re a legal adult like me, you’re single. Me and my wife are getting divorced, we could maybe try to work something out between us.” he inched his hand up my thigh. I scoffed and moved his hand off my thigh. 

“That's illegal and gross, I'm not a fucktoy and I know your wife isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Fuck off cause im not interested, and if you dont leave me alone, i will report this behavior to the principal and the police, now im going to leave and you’re going to let me.”with that, i picked up my bag and marched out of the room. I snarled at anyone who even looked at me.

When Bert showed up at my locker wearing his signature smirk, I opened my locker, slamming it into his face and hearing it satisfyingly bang against him. He let out a yelp and opened his mouth to yell at me. I turned to face him, “Listen, I’m not in the mood for your hopeless flirting and cry for attention, so fuck off. Mr. Woods just sexually assaulted me and now I have to report him to the authorities. Leave me alone and return to your usual pattern monday, cause then they’ll leave bruises to last all week. Now goodbye hun, have a good weekend.” and having said that, i marched out the front doors of the school with my head held high.

~le time skip to saturday~

I flopped on my bed, checking the time before launching myself back up. I waltzed over to my closet and pulled out dress after dress, laying them out on my bed. I ran my hands over all of them, before picking up two and putting them back. The three still on my bed were all beautiful, but I had to be practical. I eventually chose a pretty pastel pink dress with a black leather belt and little white pumps. I wandered out of my bedroom and into the bathroom, stepping into the shower and turning it on hot. I sat there for a minute before I slowly began shaving my legs.

I got out and wrapped a towel around myself, my feet slapping against the flooring of the hallway. I pulled on my dress, smoothing out the wrinkles before putting on a pair of matching pink panties, pulling the fishnets up over my plus sized thighs. I hum along to a song in my head, jumping around trying to put on my shoes. I finally shoved my feet into the delicate heels from hell and sat at my vanity, deciding on a little bit of lip gloss and eyeliner, before grabbing my purse and checking the time. 7:58pm… shit, I rush down the apartment building stairs just as the clock strikes 8:00. I stand out on the sidewalk as an expensive looking black car rolls up and the window slowly rolls down. Inside it is Frank and I giggle, walking over and opening the car door. 

“Hey Frankie.” I say, grinning. He looks over at me, “Hey baby.” I blush, my face turning as red as a tomato. He chuckles, reaching over and putting his hand on my knee before driving off.

We arrive at the restaurant and the first thing I notice is how expensive it looks. I whimper, looking at frank, confused as to how we’re going to afford eating here. He notices my look of distress and grabs my hand, gently leading me inside. “Don’t worry hun, i can pay for this, you sit there and look pretty and don't look at the prices.” he whispered into my ear. I whimpered again before nodding. I followed after him to our table, seeing the admiring glances thrown at my date. I furrowed my eyebrows, confused as to why they’re looking at him like he’s their idol or worst fear, the looks are very similar. He’s just frankie, my date, and the sweetest man ever.

We sat down and he reached across the table for my hand, kissing it and holding it, not noticing the stars we were getting. “Ok so, what do you do for a living? What are your passions? What are your fears? What are your hobbies?” he rapidly fired at me, and I chuckled. 

“Slow down cowboy. I’m an artist, I’m passionate about art, music and coffee, I'm afraid of needles, and my hobbies are art and music. Now what about you? I might ask the same.” I chucked the information at him, finishing off with a light laugh.

“Alright, I run a few businesses-” He started.

I pouted at him, “Be specific please, I wanna know if i'm dealing with a drug dealer or a human.”

“I run a few restaurants, clubs, bars, major companies, I'm passionate about getting to know you and hopefully getting you to like me, I'm afraid of losing people like you, and my hobbies are music and hopefully getting you to fall for me.” he said, never breaking eye contact with me. I smiled at the table, blushing madly. He chuckled at my antics and I kicked him under the table. 

“Stop laughing.” I whined, pouting at him. He was still smiling at me and I couldn't help but giggle. “You’re a strange one Frank. You’re the only one who’s stuck around.” he smiles at me and kisses the back of my hand. 

“Maybe it's because I like you more than I should and we barely even know each other. You, my dear, are special and I want to cherish you.” he shot back at me. I blushed harder and kept my gaze on the table, not being able to wipe the smile off my face. My face was actually starting to hurt from smiling so much. I glanced around the restaurant, catching a few people blatantly staring at us and my smile dropped as I furrowed my eyebrows. 

“Why are they staring at us frankie? Did we do something wrong?” I questioned, whimpering. He looked around as if only now noticing the staring people. “Are they making you uncomfortable angelo? I can make them go away and stop staring.” I whipped my head around to face him, my black hair flying around.

“What does that mean frankie? Are you dangerous? Should I be afraid? You don't seem scary, you seem sweet. You shouldn’t hurt others, it's not nice.'' I rambled as he shot death glares towards the other occupants of the restaurant. I glanced around again noticing two very buff tattooed men sitting close to us who appeared to be waiting for some kind of signal from frank. I caught their eye and they glared at me, and I quickly turned away. “Frank, I don't get it, are you like a gang leader or something? Fucking what? You're scaring me.”

He turned back to me, eyes immediately softening. “Im sorry baby, let's get out of here.” with that, he stood up, reaching for my hand and pulling me to my feet. As we walked past the scary men, Frank nodded at them and they stood up, following us out. I grabbed Franks arm and stayed close, keeping one eye on the men behind us. He patted my hand and kissed my forehead. “Nothing to fear baby boy, they’re here to keep us safe. I’m a very important person and you’re important to me so you’re more important.” he reassured me. I furrowed my eyebrows trying to figure out what the hell that means and when Frank had become the mad hatter with his riddles.

I didn't let up my grip on his arm, instead only holding on tighter. I looked up at him and smiled as he met my gaze. I giggled as we reached his car and he opened my door with an exaggerated flourish. I got in and thanked him. He got in the driver's seat and we flew off down the road, a black van containing the men trailing behind us. Frank's hand found its way onto my thigh and stayed there. 

We arrived at the theatre and we chose to see the movie Child's Play. I gripped his hand tightly as we stood in line to get snacks. I was blushing madly because Frank wouldn't stop whispering in my ear about everything and anything going on. I pulled out my wallet to pay, but he pointed to a person and while I was turned away he paid. I turned my attention back to the transaction, seeing Frank paying and I gasped, upset. “I wanted to pay frank. Why would you do that?” I pouted at him and he looked a little shocked at my reaction.

“Sugar, I have money, i wanna spoil you! Is that a crime now?” he said, clearly unnerved by the fact i didnt know that i wasn't allowed to pay. I furrowed my brows. “This is a date and the man has to pay, so why did you try frankie? We all know I have the balls in the relationship.” I giggled as we walked to our seats. I twirled my skirt, listening to my heels clip against the floor. We sat down and the movie began.

Halfway through the film I felt myself being moved ever so slowly into Frank's lap and I giggled quietly, getting up and sitting down on his lap. He sighed contentedly and I curled up to his chest, trying to fight off the sleep that wanted to take over. I eventually gave up and curled up into a tiny ball, pressed against Frank comfortably, letting my eyes shut.

I awoke to Frank lightly shaking me while chuckling. I looked around and blinked the sleep out of my eyes. “Wha-” I yawned, rubbing my eye with my fist. I took in my surroundings, we were driving around in the higher-class suburbs. clearly frank had not wanted to wake me up, so he must’ve carried me, or had me carried out. He looked tired, and I checked the clock. 2:00am I sat up quickly, but got a headrush and rubbed my head. “Shit i'm sorry frankie, i didn't mean to keep you out this late, you’re probably tired.”

“Shh baby, that's not why i woke you up. I wanted to ask if you were ok with sleeping at mine tonight, your house is all the way across town and I really don't feel like driving all the way back. If you want though, I can. Your wish is my command my sweet little baby.” he whispered, and I found myself nodding and falling back asleep to the sound of gentle laughter.

~.~.~.~

I awoke to silk sheets that weren't mine and a warm body that definitely was not my heating pad. I sat up and looked at the body next to me, the memories coming back. “Frank, goodmorning baby.” he groaned and rolled over, covering his head with a pillow. I giggled, getting up and pulling his shirt over my head, before walking to the door. I opened it and was met with a security guard. I poked his shoulder and he looked at me, his eyes meeting mine, dangerously eyeing me to see if I posed a threat. I smiled, and he seemed to relax a little.

“Excuse me Mister, where's the bathroom?”  my half asleep mind not processing the fact that there was a security guard outside of frank’s door. He pointed and I skipped off in the direction he had pointed. I marveled at the beautiful copies of famous paintings on the walls. There was a suspiciously good replica of the mona lisa and starry night hanging on either side of the bathroom door.

I walked in, ignoring the large bathtub and the ten person shower, heading straight to the throne like a toilet. I did my business and then walked over to the large marble basin sink, washing my hands before drying them and walking back to the room where Frank is. I sat on the edge of the bed, pulling on my clothes that I had come in before turning my attention back to the still asleep frank. “Frank, baby, you gotta wake up. I need to get home, i promised lindsey i would tell her about you and our date. She's gonna think you’re some murderer if i dont get home soon. Who knows, she might send a police officer over.”

That got his attention because soon he sat up, getting dressed in whatever was on top of the clothes pile. “Thanks for waking me up with sugar, I have work to do. I’ll have Francesco drive you home, I'm sorry I couldn't do it myself but ya know… “ he trailed off and i nodded. We walked out of the room and he motioned for a reedy boy over. “Can you please drive my baby here home? Also, once you get back, meet me in my office, we have a few security details to discuss. Actually text me when you drop him off, kapish?” With that he kissed me gently on the forehead before walking in the direction of what I assumed was his office.

I turned and smiled at the thin boy. “Hi I’m Gerard, you must be Francesco. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” I stuck out my hand to shake with a bright smile. He took it and nodded, before gesturing to the front doors. We walked out and got into the sleek black car, almost the same as I had arrived in but the seats were black instead of brown. I turned on the radio and bopped along to the Green Day song that was on. Today has been interesting.

I arrived at my apartment building and got out, waving at Francesco before waltzing into the dingy complex. I ran up the single flight of stairs and into my tiny apartment. Everything felt so small after being in Frank's house, with his beautiful art and ridiculously high ceilings. I sat down on my couch and called Lindsey. “Hello? Gerard? Whats up dude?” I sighed and she must’ve seen my heart eyes because she laughed, “Frank got you hooked that bad? Damn dude, that beat Jamia’s record for making me fall in love in 3 days. She’s gonna be pissed.” I giggled and sighed again.

“Oh lindz, he's perfect, I think this is what love feels like. Oh god I can imagine us married with kids living in that big ol’ mansion of his and growing old together.” I sighed again. She furrowed her eyebrows.

“Big mansion? Italian? What’s his last name Gee?” she questioned me.

“Iero. Isn’t that beautiful?” I said dreamily, lost in a world of life with frank.

“Iero? Gee do you know…” she left her sentence unfinished and I ignored her. I flopped across the couch, setting the phone down on the table. I stared at my water stained ceiling before picking up a pad of paper, forgetting Lindsey on the phone. I drew Frank’s face again and again, all of his arm tattoos and him with butterflies, roses, down on one knee, in a suit. However I could imagine, I drew. My phone was beeping but I didn't hear it over my thoughts.

~le time skip to school~

I walked up to the school, about to enter before two very buff men stepped in front of me. I recognised them as the men who followed me and Frank on our date and I got confused. “Hello sirs, why are you here? Did I do something? Does Frankie want to see me? He could’ve just texted you know.” the men exchanged looks, before turning back to me. I glanced around, noticing quite a few people staring. One of the men put a hand up to his ear, whispering something I couldn't hear. 

The other man grumbled to me, “Frank sent us to make sure you are secure at all times. We’re going to be following you throughout your day. We will not disturb you or interact with others unless they appear to be a threat to your safety. Did he not tell you any of this?” I shook my head, my mouth twisting to the side.

“Ok, well now that we’ve talked about that, shall we head inside gentlemen?” I asked cheerily, already starting my march into the school doors. My skirt swished and I heard the men behind me growl. I giggled softly, walking to my locker, swinging it open. I noticed people making a wide circle around me, and laughed when I saw the guards making menacing faces at anyone who came within 6 feet of me. I shut my locker and marched off, the guards following me like lost puppies. I entered my class and they followed, taking up position in the corner closest to me. 

Bert walked in and saw me, not having seen the security guards following me down the hall. He walked over and sat on my desk, smiling sickeningly sweetly at me. “Meet me on the football field during lunch, bring some advil.” he winked at me and walked off to join Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez, his cronies. I glanced back at my guards and they were watching Bert closely, and I could tell they already hated his guts.

The teacher walked in and noticed the men right away, confused. “Excuse me sirs, this is not for the public, if i may ask, why are you here?” the guards smirked, holding up a badge i didn't know they had.

“Frank Iero sent us to protect Gerard Way from any harm,” I shrunk in on myself as they continued to speak, “I quote him on this: protect my baby boy from any harm that may come to him, if anyone questions you, give them hell.” I shrunk down into my seat, the usage of baby boy making everyone stare at me with curiosity and new interest. 

The teacher stood there, flabbergasted, “Oh well, if Mr. Iero sent you… then I suppose you can stay, Gerard, stick near those men please.” I smirked at the clearly weirded out teacher. I must say this whole situation is pretty odd.

~le time skip to lunch~

I walked out onto the football field, the guards following behind me, cracking their knuckles menacingly. I giggled as we walked, seeing as I had made them both flower crowns during my free period. I walked over to Bert and smiled warmly at him. He looked nervous and I got confused for a second before remembering the men who were following me. “Don’t worry about them, they’re Frank’s friend and Frank is nice so obviously they’re nice.” I pointed to one of them. “This one is Peiro and this one,” I pointed to the other man who was smiling at my antics, “this one is Cristofano, they’re super chill and I like them a lot.” Cristofano waved at them, trying his best to look friendly. 

I tittered at him before meeting Bert’s gaze. “Now, what is it you wanted to meet out here in the middle of a football field with Advil for? You’re cutting into my flower crown making time and I promised Frank I would make him one.” I turned back to Cristofano, grinning childishly. “Don’t you agree he would look adorable in a flower crown? Oh maybe we could have a picnic and you and Peiro should come because I think that Peiro likes you,” Peiro shifted, clearly embarrassed as Christofano gave him a slight smile, “and I know you like him back, and you two would be so cute together and oh my I completely forgot about Bert.”  I gasped, having forgotten about the greasy old bully. I turned around, seeing a look of pure wonder and confusion on his face as he watched our exchange. “Oh Bert I’m sorry but I have to cut this meeting short because I have flower crowns to make. I would like to do this again sometime soon, it was very enjoyable. Ta-Ta now darling.” I wiggled my fingers in his direction before turning around and grabbing Christafano’s hand and dragging him off to the patch under the bleachers where the flowers grow.

~le time skip to after le disaster called school~

I walked home with Christafano’s hand clasped tightly in one of my hands, and Peiro’s hand in the other. I dragged them to my apartment as they tried dragging me into the car so they could drive me home claiming it was safer that way. I of course won the argument and that’s how we ended up here, Me dragging two fully grown men in suits and bullet proof vests wearing flower crowns down the street to a dingy apartment. If anyone saw, they might think it was a stripper show gone wrong. I giggled at that thought as we drew closer to our destination.

We walked up the stairs and I unlocked my door before marching inside. Peiro took up the post outside my door as Christafano followed me in, laughing like an idiot. “Sorry for the mess Christo, I did not know that I would be having such esteemed guests like Frank’s guards.” I cleared off the couch, putting all my notebooks onto an overflowing shelf that was far too full to hold more art books. Christafano watched in amusement as I tried to shove all of my art pads onto the shelf, eventually settling for setting them in a pile on the floor.

I walked back over to the couch and flopped down, groaning.

Christafano laughed, his chest rumbling as he watched. “Frank asked me to bring you to his home at 3:00 so we have about 15 minutes for you to mope about or get dressed. Now hurry up please, if you're late he’s gonna be mad.'' I whined as I stood up and moped to my room, grabbing a black skirt and a pink sweater before getting dressed, grabbing a notebook and pen, and walking out to Christafano, twirling about. He clapped before gesturing to the door. I walked out and stood next to Peiro, laughing at his expression. “Christafano is going to get the car from the parking lot where you left it and then we are going to drive you to Frank’s where you will stay the night as per his orders.” Peiro emotionlessly stated. 

I made a noncommittal noise and banged my head against his forearm repeatedly. It only took 15 minutes for Christafano to get back and in that time I had gotten Peiro to give me a piggyback ride all around the apartment complex.

~.~.~.~

We arrived at Frank’s house and my door was opened by a nameless man who seemed kind enough. I hurried up the front steps and through the large doors that were opened by more nameless men, all avoiding my gaze and all with a secretive smile on their faces. I looked around the entry hall while taking off my shoes. “Frank?!” I called to the seemingly empty house. “You there Frank?'' I heard the pitter patter of what sounded like thousands of tiny paws skittering towards me and I looked down, seeing an army of tiny dogs hurtling at me, followed by a laughing Frank. I gasped and sat on the floor, letting the dogs crawl over my lap.

I laughed as a little black rat looking dog licked my face and sat directly on my balls, making me double over in pain. “Fuuuuck dude why?'' I groaned, gently lifting the dog out of my lap. Frank laughed and I flipped him off, still clutching my crotch. I hissed as I stood up and took away my hands, the pain receding. As soon as the pain was gone I reached out and backhanded Frank in the balls, laughing when his face scrunched up and he fell to his knees. “That's what you get for laughing at me biotch.” he flipped me off and i giggled

“Sorry baby, it's just called revenge, get used to it.” I winked at him. He straightened suddenly and picked me up, tossing me over his shoulder, spanking me before running off down the hall. I screamed and started laughing as he ran through the many corridors. We arrived at a sliding glass door that he pulled open, leading to a pool. I shrieked, still giggling like a maniac. “Put me down! Put me down! Don’t you dare do what i think you’re about to do.” He laughed, the sound echoing off the tiled walls, blue light from the pool reflecting off onto the walls in swirling patterns.

“It's called revenge baby, get used to it.” I gasped before he threw me into the pool. I hit the surface and stayed under for about a minute before swimming to the surface and gasping for air. I laughed and splashed him with water.

“C'mon baby, c'mon! The water is simply divine.” I choked out around my laughter, swimming to the shallow end. He grinned at me before peeling off his shirt. He pulled off his socks and his pants quickly followed before jumping in, creating large ripples. I smiled before tugging my skirt and boots off, my sweater following. 

He swam over to me and pulled me into his embrace, and I smiled against his chest, enjoying the warmth radiating off of him. I rested my chin against his pecs looking up at his perfect jawline, tracing it with my fingertip, smiling softly as he held me tighter to his chest. He looked down at me and I blushed, burying my face into his neck, he chuckled and I felt the vibrations run through me. I tucked myself closer to him, nuzzling his neck as the water swayed us around.

I looked up again and met his gaze, watching his eyes swoop over my upper half, from my dripping wet hair, pausing on my lips before traveling down to my collar bones. They traveled back up to my lips, holding me captivated as I gently pushed myself closer to him, leaning in slowly. He leaned in closer and I felt his breath fan over my lips gently, the hot breath making my face heat up in unimaginable ways. I moved one of my hands up to the side of his face, pulling him in. Our lips touched and fireworks went off in my stomach, I held him against my lips as we stood there, tentatively kissing each other in the dark blue lights, swaying with our hair dripping wet.

We clamored out of the pool, wet feet slapping against the tile floors as we pulled on our soaking wet clothes, puddles forming at our feet. I smiled softly as Frank put his arm around me, guiding me up the stairs to his room. I sat on the floor, avoiding the carpeting and sheets that cost more than all my belongings combined. The only thing I could think about while staring at the bed is sharing it with Frank, cuddling on it, sleeping on it, even doing a few x rated things.

I smiled at the thoughts of cuddling and willed away the nasty thoughts that invaded my head.

He turned back to me, walking out of his closet before passing me a hoodie that was 5 times too big and a pair of boxers. I smiled and turned him around before pulling off my soggy skirt and sweater and my underwear, (I feel uncomfortable writing panties) I glanced at Frank’s shirtless back, admiring the art splayed across his shoulder blades down his spine to the waistline that I wasn’t going to look below just yet. I blushed and looked away, the temptation to let my eyes wander far too strong. I tapped Frank on the shoulder when he was done dressing and made grabby hands. He chuckled and picked me up, holding me as one might hold a koala. I borrowed my face into his neck, breath rebounding into my nose, making my nose scrunch in disgust.

“Hey baby, are you hungry?” Frank asks, gently bouncing me. I shook my head, closing my eyes. “Cwuddles.” I pouted, pressing my face further into his neck. He chuckled at my antics and walked over to the bed, still bouncing me gently. We sat on the bed and he tucked me into his chest, humming softly. I felt my eyes growing heavy as sleep soon consumed me.

~.~.~.~

I awoke to the feeling of Frank gently shaking me, whispering in my ear for me to get up. I groggily opened my eyes and rubbed them with the back of my hand, upset I had been awakened. I pouted up at him, and his eyes visibly softened, already melting and I haven't even said anything.  I felt myself being lifted up and out of bed. Frank walked to the door and gently walked down the stairs, careful not to drop me as we walked into a dining room the size of my apartment. He sat down with me on his lap, bouncing his knee as I played with his fingers.

I whined when he took away his hand to eat and grabbed his fingers, splaying them across my hand. He continued eating and bouncing me on his lap, grunting when I pulled his fingers too hard. I stuck my fist in my mouth as I continued to wave his hand about, so focused I didn't notice Frank’s eyes on me or his hushed muttering with a man in a suit or him signing papers. The bouncing never wavered as I played. I got bored a little over an hour later and turned my attention to Frank’s face and more importantly the food left on his plate. I took my hand out of my mouth and grabbed a potato, stuffing it in my mouth as fast as I could.

I stuffed my face with the leftover potatoes and the piece of bread that was suspiciously buttered as if waiting for me to eat it. I looked at the green beans and pouted, pushing away the plate. I turned to Frank, who was still bouncing his leg. I smiled at him with food all over my face and he laughed softly, wiping my face with a napkin. I buried my face into his neck and felt myself getting drowsy again. I tugged on his shirt before balling the material up in my fist and falling asleep in his still bouncing lap. 

~.~.~.~

I awoke in a dark room, wooden bars surrounding the mattress I was sleeping on. I realized I had slipped into little space, and started to panic. I called for frank and heard soft footsteps approaching the door. The door opened, washing the room in light. I rubbed my eyes as I adjusted to the light, slowly recognizing the figure in the doorway. I smiled at him, desperately trying to get out of the crib. He chuckled. “Feeling big Gee? I need you to be big now baby boy.” I groaned and nodded, not feeling like talking. He lowered the crib wall and I jumped out, stretching. 

My stomach rumbled and he laughed, taking my hand and leading me into the kitchen. He grabbed some cheese and water, passing them to me, before leading me into a small living room with a tv. I smiled as I looked at him, before the date on the tv home screen caught my eye. I started to panic. I had missed one whole day of school. Shit shit shit shit im so gonna get suspended or detention. I'm most definitely getting in trouble. He must’ve seen my worry because he glanced at the T.V.

He looked back at me, clearly confused. “School.” I whispered and he almost laughed. 

“Sugar you don’t need to worry, I own the school, it’s ok.” he reassured me. He pulled me into his lap, running his fingers through my hair, making me mewl. I snuggled closer to his chest, whimpering when he stopped petting me. He put his hand back and I sighed, grabbing a blanket. I threw it over the both of us and turned on the tv, choosing to watch the critically acclaimed Godfather, much to Frank's amusement.

~time skip~

I arrived at school, smoothing out my skirt as I walked through the doors, closely followed by Christafano and Peiro. Bert called to me but I ignored him, as Peiro had instructed for me to do. I pranced over to my locker and grabbed my pink pencil case and sketchbook, ignoring the textbooks, as Frank had told me to do. I turned to Christafano and smiled, making him grin right back at me. I walked into class a little early, as to get my regular spot, but it appeared it was already taken by Bert and his friends. I pouted, but turned away and went to get a different seat, but Peiro growled and grabbed my hand, marching over to Bert. “Excuse me, I do believe that’s Gerard’s seat. Now move, Frank has given me permission to kick your ass after that last stunt you pulled.” Bert paled, and stood up, faster than I had ever seen him move. Peiro snapped his fingers and Christafano pulled out the chair, shoving Justin and Selena away from the table. I gasped at the violence but was still grateful for someone standing up for me. I sat down in my seat and Christafano pushed me in. I giggled, and patted the seats on either side of me for the both of them to sit. Christafano sat and I leaned on his shoulder, putting my sketchbook on the desk and flipping to a new page, sending a reassuring glance at Christofano before rolling back my eyes, feeling him shift in worry next to me. I put my pencil down on the page and felt my hand start to move, humming quietly and filling my head with thoughts of flowers and skulls and vampires and bunnies. An hour later, the bell rang and I rolled my eyes back to the proper direction. I glanced down at my picture, a bunny skull with flowers growing out of it. I found it odd there were no vampires, but it is what it is. I sighed, standing up, walking out of the classroom. I ignored the sound of the guards rushing to catch up behind me. I walked out to the football field where the flowers grow under the bleachers. A tiny object caught my eye, and I stared at it, trying to make my brain register the item. It was a bunny skull with flowers growing out of it, just like the one I had drawn. I brushed it off as a simple coincidence, sure this was just something I had missed the other day.

~.~.~.~

I walked into Frank’s house, sneaking around, searching for him. I walked into his bedroom, his shirt off. I was about to walk up and pounce on him, before I noticed a tattoo of his, it was a skull with the word “Watch Out.” on it. There was a snake swirling out of its mouth holding a rose between its teeth. It looked almost exactly like something I had drawn and I got confused, before brushing it off and tapping him lightly on the shoulder. He turned sharply, reaching for the waistline of his pants before he registered it was me and smiled, letting out a sigh of relief. I still must’ve looked confused and he furrowed his eyebrows right back at me. “What is it principessa? Is something wrong?” I opened my mouth to comment on his tattoo but I soon shut it, thinking that maybe I should keep this dilemma private. I shook my head, before walking into his arms and clinging onto him.

He chuckled and hugged me gently back, rubbing reassuring circles on my back. I brushed aside all my negative thoughts. Surely this man could never do anything bad, he’s so sweet to me. He takes care of people.

I stared at the floor, shuffling my feet. I felt uncomfortable in the giant kitchen, watching Frank make dinner, his top off for a reason I did not know. He bounced around, metaphorically of course, Frank is too civil to bounce about in the kitchen. I was not, but we don’t talk about that. I tugged on the sleeve of the hoodie Frankie had given me, blushing when he glanced over his shoulder at me. He must've seen the redness of my face, because he burst into that beautiful smile that I could stare at all day. I rubbed my eye with my fist, trying to stay awake for as long as possible. 

~.~.~.~

We were eating late, much later than I was used to. His face softened at the simple action and walked over to pick me up, putting me on his hip. I smiled at him and kissed his nose, watching him start to blush. I put my head on his shoulder, my butt resting comfortably on his hip bone that he had managed to jut out in a way that appeared so sassy it almost outsassed me. ALMOST. I wrapped my legs around his middle, rubbing my face into his neck, trying to get him to consume me with his flesh. 

He went back to stirring whatever was in the pot on the stove rubbing my lower back with his thumb and holding me up with his arm. I was slowly falling asleep to the sound of his humming and his near constant rocking as he waited for dinner to finish cooking. 

“Wake up baby boy, dinner’s ready.” I grumbled and buried myself further into Frank. He gently pried me off of him, setting me in a chair. I whined and didn't untangle my legs from around his waist, instead clamoring back up onto his back, refusing to let go. “Baby you have to let go, please baby, be a good boy.” I shrieked and kicked as he tried to set me down again, accidentally kicking him in his prince parts. He groaned, clutching at his big boy area, crumpling beneath me. I jumped off his back and ran as fast as I could. I heard heavy footsteps behind me, catching up. I made a hard left down a random hallway, hearing the footsteps slowly multiplying behind me. I shrieked and took another hard turn up some steps and down a dark hall that smelled like it hadn't been used in years. It smelled like blood and death and I slowed, no longer hearing the footsteps behind me. I watched my footing, careful not to step in the dark puddles of metallic smelling liquid with my baby blue socks. I squealed when I heard a squeak under my foot, and I glanced up seeing a man staring right back at me.

I screamed at the top of my lungs. Bert. It was Bert. Bert was here, in Frank’s house. Tied up by a chain to a wall in what appears to be a cell. I was panicking, wondering what the hell was going on. He stared into my eyes and slowly blinked, and that was when I moved. I turned and ran back down the dark hall that smelled of blood, through the corridors, and back to the kitchen where a few guards and Frank were gathered. Frank noticed me staring, glancing down and seeing the blood on my socks. “Merda.” he turned to his guards “Perché hai lasciato che accadesse? Idioti, avete rovinato tutto!” he screamed at them in rapid fire Italian. He turned to me, plastering an obviously fake smile on his face. 

“Principessa, you look like you’ve seen a ghost, what's wrong.” I stared in disbelief. How could he not know Bert was in a strange cell in an under used corridor in his house only a floor above us. “B- Bert is in your house- Frankie he was tied to a wall and I wanna believe you don't know about this but honestly I'm not sure if you're the man I thought you were.” something in his eyes broke, and he looked almost pitiful, like a kicked puppy.

He dismissed his guards with a flick of the wrist. He tried to approach me but I backed away from him, grabbing a fork off the counter beside me to protect myself. “Baby please, I’m sorry, let me explain. I’m sorry you had to see that.” I screeched when he tried to get closer to me, my hand with the fork in it shaking. “Y- you’re a monster. Who are you? Really. Don’t try to bullshit me like you did before, telling me how ‘you’re a businessman who happens to have enemies.’ businessmen don't have high school bullies locked in their houses. Hell, they don’t even date high schoolers, unless you're one of those old sleaze bags. I’m barely fucking legal and you’re like what? 25? Jesus this is bad. Just- let me and Bert go and stay away from us, I don’t want to see you anymore you creep.”

I ran to his room, grabbing my clothes as he stood in the kitchen, staring at where I had stood, frozen in utter pain. I know he wouldn’t give up that easily and I know he will probably have someone trail me for weeks until I confront him about it. I shed his hoodie and his boxers and pulled on my skirt and shirt. I ran back down the stairs, picking up my backpack where I left it by the door. Checking I had my phone in my jacket pocket, I walked out the door, feeling his guards eyes on me. I glared right back at them as I heard the front door swing open. “Gerard! Merda merda merda. GERARD!” he called after me, and I didn’t even turn around. 

I flipped him off over my shoulder, walking out the gates and turning to my apartment, gazing over the fence into the gardens, seeing a tree hung with masks looking like trapped souls. I brushed it off as another eccentricity of a rich man who’s never been told no. I walked into my apartment, finally letting myself break down, calling Lyn-z. “Hey gee, whats up hun?”

“C- Can you come over? I stuttered out before breaking down completely into nothing but a waterfall of tears.

~.~.~.~

Lyn-z rubbed circles in my back, just like Frank did when I was upset, but her’s felt better because I knew she wouldn’t leave me. I snuggled into her side, upset with the news of what Frank did for a living and the fact I would probably never be safe ever again. I had given up on crying, settling for curling up against her side, having no intention of letting her go.

~.~.~.~

I walked into school with my head hung down, not wearing a skirt, instead trading it for black skinny jeans, doc martens, and a far too big hoodie. I was sad, yes, but the outfit was just a show for the person who was currently tailing me, not so secretly I might add. It was the same reedy looking boy who drove me home. I smiled and turned around waving to him, he looked startled that I had noticed him watching me. I turned and flounced into the school.

I walked to my locker, ignoring the looks I got for NOT having bodyguards now. I smiled at everybody walking by, happy that I could be near people again. I walked into class, smiling at the teacher before sitting in the seat that was now, unquestionably, mine. I turned to the front of the class right as the boy walked in, dressed as any teenage boy would. “Class, this is Adrian, he’s going to be here for the next few weeks for a foreign exchange thing the school signed up for. Please be nice, he’s travelled all the way from Italy to be here with us.” The teacher announced to the unsuspecting class.

 Lies, lie after lie these people have told me, i thought, unconsciously pouting. I didn’t hear my teacher asking me to raise my hand so the new kid would know where to sit, I didn't see “Adrian” sit next to me, I didn't see him pull out his phone to text someone, glancing at me from time to time, never saying anything. I refused to see them, because that would mean this wasn’t just some horrible dream, this was reality, and sadly, reality had it in for me.

I walked out of the school, flouncing angrily off down the road to my apartment. My day had been full of “Adrian” sharing all my classes and not leaving me alone. Of course we had never spoken, not even made eye contact for more than a few minutes. I saw a van following along behind me, never passing me, but following me obviously. I kept walking, not showing signs of seeing it, hoping it would go away. I slipped my hand into my pocket, feeling my taser and pepper spray, fully prepared to fight. I heard a van door open and I turned around, pulling out the taser.

I glowered at the big, thuggish man looking awfully surprised to see me prepared. I lashed out, spraying him with the pepper spray before tasing him in the chest. I turned around when I heard distinctive footsteps, doing the same to the other man. I panted, leaning over, before feeling a hand on my shoulder and another wrapping around my neck. I screamed and bit down on the arm, hearing the man cry out in pain. His grip loosened and I took my chance to run. I ran past my apartment building, past the old K-mart and into the better neighborhood where I knew Frank had people everywhere, watching every street. I shrieked when I heard the footsteps still following me, turning around and giving the man a solid right hook right in the face.

I turned back around, continuing to run, my combat boots both being helpful and hindering me at the same time. I turned a corner, leaning against a random wall, panting. I saw a second indistinguishable van pulling slowly around the corner and I started sprinting again, knowing I couldn't do this forever. The bastards knew that and would continue chasing me till the adrenaline wore off and I gave up. I heard footsteps again before being yanked backwards into an alley.  I screamed at the top of my lungs, hearing it echo off the walls of the alley.

The man grunted, slapping his hand over my mouth. With the other hand, he grabbed his walkie talkie “Got the boy sir, got Frank’s boy. Put up a real fight. Bringing him in now.” He clicked it off before securing my hands behind my back. Now let me tell you, most of the time, I’m down for being restrained, it’s nice even, makes life exciting. This however was not a nice kind of restraining, my lack of boner can state that fact for me better than I ever could.

I palmed my taser, before stretching back and tasing him right in the crotch. He groaned and let go of me completely. I turned and grabbed his head, ramming my knee into it, hearing a sickening crunch. My black leggings were soon a darker shade than before, and I must admit, it was disturbingly pretty. I turned back around, walking out of the alley way, knowing I had blood on my face. I smiled at a random woman on my journey to Frank's house, and she smiled right back, giving me a confused look.

I walked up the driveway of Frank's house, marching past the workers, glowering at everyone who even looked at me. I waved my hands, dismissing the people who tried to open the doors, preferring to throw them open myself. I marched into the forte and yelled at the top of my lungs, “Frank you need to tell your little mafia friends to stop trying to kidnap me, they ruined my pants with their blood.” I heard the army of dogs before I heard Frank's footsteps. I dismissed everybody nearby and crossed my arms as he entered the forte, a frown on my face, made all the more menacing by the blood on my face. I leaned down and picked up a small dog before marching past frank and up to where his office was before pushing open the door and stopping dead in my tracks.

I turned back to Frank who looked semi-guilty, semi-pleased with himself. I turned back to the room, where Lindsey and a boy in a collar were sitting. I raised my eyebrow at her and she whimpered. She actually whimpered. I turned to the boy in the collar and crossed my arms. I turned to the both of them before pointing to the door. They both got up and scampered out of the room. I walked around the desk, sitting in the chair that was normally Frank’s. I set the dog down in my lap where it settled down as I propped my legs up on the beautiful mahogany wood. I gestured for Frank to sit in one of the uncomfortable chairs where his clients normally sat. “Frank, hun, we need to talk. We both know I will never be safe again because of you and your dumb mafia business. We also both know I do not like the fact that you have someone tailing me in school. We both share this information and yet you continue to do these things, hell you’ve even got my best friend involved. You really are a creep.” The dog rolled over in my lap as I scratched it, wiggling about happily. “You owe me a new pair of leggings as well, these are stained, you know what size I am, I've seen the lingerie you bought for me. I want one body guard with me at all times and I get to choose who it is. Meet these demands by Monday before I really start some shit. Ask Christafano where my apartment is, oh, and tell that dear man that I say hello and he finally found a princess to protect.” I smirked before getting up and walking out of the office, leaving him speechless “Oh and this dog likes me, I’ll keep it as insurance you meet my demands.” I marched down the stairs, with the dog in my arms. Grabbing one of the ties left by the door, tying it around the dog’s collar, walking out the door. I smirked when I saw the workers staring at me with their mouths open. I knew this dog was his favorite, Sweet Pea was her name I think. She was an odd looking dog, but the sweetest little monster. I walked down the road and back to my apartments, satisfied with my day.

~.~.~.~

I waltzed out the door when I heard a knock. The weekend had flown by and it was monday already. I opened the door and smiled when I was met with the gleeful face of my friend. I squealed and wrapped him in a hug before pulling away and grabbing the leggings out of his hands, making small talk as I put them away and bustled about the kitchen, getting mugs and making coffee before walking to my room to get dressed for the day.

 I walked out to see Christafano on his phone texting Peiro. The two of them were madly in love and they weren’t going to fall apart like me and Frank EVER. I swear, the two of them were inseparable. I’m thinking of making a demand to have Peiro join his boyfriend in the task of guarding me. I didn’t even need a bodyguard in all honesty, I just wanted a friend who I could trust. 

My phone vibrated and I glanced at it, seeing it was a call from Lindsey. I left it on the counter, sipping my coffee and chatting with my friend, ignoring the near constant stream of notifications of calls and texts from Lindsey. The clock hit 7:30 and we had to leave, arriving at school around 10 minutes early, stopping at my locker as we chatted. I swear Christafano was like a teenage school girl all over again. Leaning on the lockers, giggling, chatting with me and smiling at people. We walked into the class a bit early, grabbing my seat at the back and continuing to chat until “Adrian” walked in. We sneered at him as he tried to get a seat near us, eventually giving up and sitting at the front. We laughed as he glowered at us, upset.

~.~.~.~

On the way home, Christafano’s phone was buzzing off the hook. People were clearly panicking on the other end but we opted not to answer, choosing instead to listen to the buzzing become more furious, like an angry bee or a five year old child after being told no. Something must’ve happened, they would never go against my demands unless it was serious. When his ringtone went off for the 15th time, I got sick of it and grabbed it from his pocket before he could stop me and picked it up. “Hello? What the hell do you need?” I angrily spat into the phone, hearing someone’s breathing hitch on the other line.

 “Gerard? Oh thank fuck you’re ok.” the voice breathed on the other line, letting out a happy breath. I rolled my eyes, making a face at Christofano, making him let out a quiet giggle. “Yes, I am, now why the hell are you calling? In case you don’t remember, I told you not to contact me or Chris unless it was an emergency.”

“Well, we caught wind of a plot to hurt you and I panicked I guess?” I could basically see him rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. I rolled my eyes before hanging up abruptly, grabbing Christafano’s hand and leading him to my apartment, not noticing the man following us a few blocks back.

I marched into my room, flopping on the bed. “Chris,” I whined, “can you please make me some coffee?” I dragged out the vowels. He laughed before walking back out into the kitchen, and I could hear him shuffling around, before there was a heavy thump. I walked out of my room, walking into the kitchen, noticing all the lights were off. “Chris?” I softly called, before a hand reached around from behind and wrapped around my mouth, then everything went black.

~.~.~.~

I awoke with a scream, only for my mouth to be covered once again, having another wrapped around my waist, holding me still. I thrashed about, trying to bite the person's fingers. I felt my teeth make contact with one of their fingers and bit down hard, making the person let out a yelp and flinch against me. Pulling away from them I could see clearer now. I whipped around and growled at the person, drinking in their features while backing away. The man looked surprised at my reaction, their eyes wide. I bared my teeth and growled again, before feeling a bump under my feet.

My eyes widened, we were in a car? No, a van, a large van at that, that's why I hadn't hit the wall when I backed away. I jumped and the car shook. My face grew into a grin. I bounced up and down, watching the man who had been holding me listen to the sound of the truck’s internal workings slowly get more and more strained until the last fateful jump, the back springs broke, and the van hit the back wheels. He leaped up, growling, before grabbing me and tackling me to the floor. I landed with an “oomph” before throwing my head up into his, knocking him off of me, shoving him away.

 We were now going an indeterminable amount of speed on 2 working tires and dragging the back half of the truck. I smiled at the man, knowing he was scared. I reached into my pocket for my taser before cursing and withdrawing my hand. It was gone.

I turned to the man who had righted himself, charging at him full speed, knocking him to the floor. I grabbed his nose and yanked before scurrying to the van's doors. I pulled on them and eventually got them open, turning to see the man staggering to me, his nose at an odd angle gushing blood. I turned to the open doors, seeing the road rushing below, before leaping off. I landed on the floor, in an almost superhero like pose. I launched to my feet and scrambled away off the road, searching for any sort of discernible landmarks.

I wrinkled my nose as the smell of gas reached my nostrils, a gas station coming into view. I walked in, spotting a dingy looking man smoking a cigarette behind the counter. I leaned on the glass, “Can I borrow your phone please sir?” he took in the bruises and cuts bleeding on my face, his face like stone. “What happened to you?” he responded gruffly, not responding to my question. I glowered, huffing. “Not important, I need to make a call. Now.” I added a sickening smile at the end. He muttered something about there being no respect for the lower class these days while pointing to the other side of the store where a white phone was located, and it was then I realized, I had no one to call. I considered calling Lind-z but decided against it. I couldn’t trust her. I had no choice, I picked up the phone, dialing my brother’s number.

~.~.~.~

“Hello?” he answered the phone, and I could hear the smoke in his lungs. I smiled faintly. “Hey Mikes, it’s Gee, I need some help.” I could hear him cough in surprise, soon turning into a hacking then a horrible retching sound. “Gerard? You need help? Mr. Move out at 16 because of being an ‘independent man?’ YOU need my help? Oh this is golden.” I winced at his admonishments, the reminders of my stupid mistake.  

“Listen, I’m sorry ok? I’m fucking sorry, just, can you come pick me up? I’m at a gas station.” I pleaded, hearing him sigh heavily, and the shaking of a set of keys.

“Fine, fucking fine, just,” he hesitated “don’t just cut us out again. Mom and I miss you Gee, I know she’s not the nicest but still, she’s our mom.” I winced at the word mom, never wanting to hear it again. “Where are you Gee, I can’t pick you up if I don't know where I'm driving to.” I let out a fake chuckle, looking around for any sign of where I was. My eyes got stuck on a sign and widened. 

“U-uh Staten Island.” I trailed off. Holy shit I was far from Belleville. Mikey whistled, bringing me back to earth. 

“Did you follow a guy out there or something? How’s that Bert guy? Weren’t you two a thing?” I closed my eyes, willing away the thoughts of all the nights I spent with the man who was once my lover, but is now just my abuser.

 I rubbed my forehead, willing away the tears that were threatening to fall, “Yeah, uh yeah we’re fine, we’re engaged.” I heard him sigh, he knew I was lying, he knew that Bert went out with other people, he knew my secrets, he was disgusted by them too. I started to breathe heavier, panicking.

 “Yeah, ok, uh, I’ll come pick you up, stay where you are please Gee,” he hesitated, “love you.” the last part was almost inaudible but I still heard it, letting out a breath.

 “Love you too Mikes.” I whispered, before hanging up the phone.

~.~.~.~

I drummed on my knees, sitting on the disgusting sidewalk, waiting for Mikey. I saw a man that resembled Bert pull up to the corner of the gas station with a guy on his lap and a girl with her ass up in the air. I bit the inside of my cheek. Hearing a car roll up in front of me I stood up, smiling when I saw Mikey hanging his hand out of the window, beckoning me to enter his beat up car.

 I pulled open the passenger side door, getting in, before noticing the two people sitting in the back of the car. “Pete? The hell? And Frank? Really? Mikes why is Frank here?” I raised my eyebrows, asking Mikey for an explanation as to why he had an emo from a backyard band and a mafia leader in his backseat. He smirked. 

“Pete is my boyfriend, and Frank is an old friend. Ignore them, why the hell are you out in the middle of Staten Island? Where are those bruises from? Does Bert hit you?” Frank’s fists clenched at the mention of Bert. I glared at Frank before turning back to Mikey. I twisted my face into a smile that didn’t reach my eyes. 

“It’s a long story baby bro, one day I’ll tell you, not now, but one day.” He smiled at me and I smiled back, turning to the window and zoning out.

[the-mythical-norm]

The Battle Against Boredom

My senior year of high school I️ was almost certain that I would not be coming to college. I️ applied where my parents let me but quietly planned my travels ahead. I️t scared the living shit out of my parents when I️ told them. My rational; I️ knew I didn’t have to come to college to be successful, I️t never really made sense to come. How can you sit in a business 101 class with 100 others kids learning the same shit and still be any different. My definition of success was a little different from the average scholar anyways. College in some ways is like a drone creator for big corporations..to make wages cheaper, if you don’t like I️t…get lost they’ll hire the next guy down the pipeline of accountant majors. The trick is study what you’re genuinely passionate about. I️ come from a long lineage of doctors, lawyers, and engineers. When I️ was like 10 years old my mom used to tell me, “you’re gonna work for 3M and invent amazing things,” and in my head I️ always refuted that. But then my parents divorced, and they didn’t have time to control my rebellion. So I️ drank up all the inspiration I️ could. I️ like to think that I️ am some sort of anomaly. A strange blossom of creativity and Art in my family tree. Of course everyone is creative, but it’s like a muscle, if you don’t work it out, it’ll weaken. Anyways, I️ scared the shit out of my parents, they couldn’t bare to have a kid in the family not go to college. What a shame that would be. I’d be a bum! They would constantly tell me. So I️ finally decided to go. I got sold, like a soldier. I️t was convincing, I️ don’t have to pay for it, and I️ can sort of study what I’d like, as long as it’s at a, “highly ranked school.” But then something weird happened. I️ got here with ultimate freedom. And I️ didn’t know what the fuck to do with myself. What do I️ want to study, who do I️ want to hang with? How can I️ possibly pick a major based on a single paragraph summary and some shitty intro classes. Why do I️ even have to pick a major? So many kids that I️ talk to have their lives planned out for them by their parents. I️ sat at lunch one day with 4 of my friends. They said it’s like a right of way for them to become doctors in their families, and they’ve convinced themselves that true passions are merely hobbies. Some of them don’t even have passions or know what they’re passionate about because they’ve spent too much time doing what there’re told. But the benefits are nice for doctors, and they don’t want to let their parents down. This is heavy doc..

These cats are actually convinced at 18 years old that they want to be doctors, to go to school for 12 more years and possibly spend the rest of their lives paying I️t off. I believe there are people who are passionate about medicine, but how can you know so soon? It’s so insane to me. But I️ can’t really blame them, I️ don’t really know what I️ want. I am so used to being told what to think. I️ got sold along time ago, to be a soldier in a war for money and material. But now I’m free from the shackles and my thoughts are scurrying around my brain like a headless chicken. PTSD… maybe not quite as bad. The thought of not going to college was scary for me too, to go the other way you’re told. To jump ship without knowing whats in the water. Society tells us that if we jump ship (college), the water is full with things like zero opportunities, jail, flipping burgers, ending up dead, or just being a bum. Is that really all that there is besides college? If thats whats churning in those murky waters below, walking the plank seems like suicide. But I know it’s not true.  Directions/work life balance/safety/comfort is all we know, it’s our oxygen. So when I️ got here, boy was I lost. I️ still am, a little bit less lost, but still. Maybe its okay to be lost. I️ think that’s why the battle against boredom is real. Thats why Netflix is so popular, what else would we do with our time? How many kids are addicted to video games? Or drugs? Juul? Or the grove? Everyone has their poison. Everyone has their entertainment.  It’s weird how we are always trying to escape reality. Why is reality so bad. The amount of time I️ sit on instagram or Snapchat, its absurd. Then I wonder how the hell did Alexander the Great conquer multiple lands when he was 18?? Or how about Joan of Arc who beat the English forces in the Hundred Years’ War at the tender age of 17. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart wrote his first symphony at age 8…. I’ve had the same amount of time! It’s so crazy to think about. Its crazy to even think about time and how it shapes our existence. Maybe all of these G.O.A.T’s just had really well planning parents. But now that Im forced to think for myself, I️m at a loss for words. Sometimes I️ feel I️’m wasting my time if I️m not doing something productive. What am I️ doing with my life? Why can’t I️ do nothing and be satisfied, why do I️ have to be doing something? Being busy was such a huge part of my upbringing, it kept me dialed in, distracted, entertained. But now I’m lonely, in the sense that I️ am the only one who doesn’t seem to be busy all the time. Does anyone else feel like this? it’s not all that bad. I’ve found amazing ways to spend my time, cycling, rock climbing, scuba diving, gym, writing, surf, etc. But I️ still find hours to have absolutely nothing to do at all. Is that good or bad? And how can I️ harness the power of doing nothing? So that I️t doesn’t drain me and make me feel bored. Sometimes I️t’s amazing to do nothing, but sometimes I️t sucks. That’s why Netflix is so popular, I️t keeps us busy. Maybe free time is something that shouldn’t even exist. Everyone is constantly dialed in. Just on a walk to class, 9 out of 10 kids are dialed in. Us teens all do this, It’s either headphones in or staring down at the phone. If I️ ever forget my headphones before a long car ride or plane ride… I️t sucks. But sometimes I️ meet somebody.

“The gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.” — Homer, The Iliad. This quote makes me think. A sunset is beautiful, because it will be gone soon. A fleeting moment of natures most incredible hues. Just like a surfer knows he can’t ride the wave forever, so he dances and carves, enjoys it while he can. That is what the gods envy, if these things were infinite they’d lose the energy that surrounds them. Life is beautiful because it will end soon. Maybe I can enjoy a moment of doing nothing at all just because I know that it will end soon.

[wyrmsandrocs]

You know what you dared (anyone really) me personally to send all the writer asks so FUCKIBG ALL OF THEM BETCH

1. Favorite place to write. - I really like taking my laptop with me and writing at parks or in hotel lobbies when my fam travels, but its comfortable and familiar to write at my desk in my room2. Favorite part of writing. - letting characters be sassy and snarky. also letting characters heal.3. Least favorite part of writing. - actually putting words on the page lmfao4. Do you have writing habits or rituals? - i put on my writing playlist and if i can grab a diet coke bc it helps me feel like im ready to be productive5. Books or authors that influenced your style the most. - ooh, for writing style Caroline Lawrence’s books influenced me a lot when i was younger and more recently @lbardugo and six of crows6. Favorite character you ever created. - ahhh probably Linde, a shapeshifter who rejects all human concepts including gender7. Favorite author. - again, Leigh Bardugo. also @canipetyourdragon but like technically shes not published yet 8. Favorite trope to write. - enemies to lovers lmfao9. Least favorite trope to write. - ahh idek 10. Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about. - @canipetyourdragon and we’d probs write abt some wacky adventure11. Describe your writing process from scratch to finish. - 1) have an idea and daydream abt it for a month 2) worldbuilding/character building for a g e s 3) finally get around to writing a shitty draft 4) s u f f e r 12. How do you deal with self-doubts? - whine at someone and then remind myself that nothing starts perfect and i have time to make it better. tbqh a lot of the time i remind myself that Six of Crows started as smthn like 31,000 words and is a lot longer in the final form and, no offense to leigh, was probs kinda crap at first lmfao13. How do you deal with writers block? - i remind myself that its not gonna get written if i dont write it, i sit my ass down, and i write something. anything. any stupid sentence. and then i write another one.14. What’s the most research you ever put into a book? - hoo boi am i bad at research n o t m u c h 15. Where does your inspiration come from? - a lot of my inspiration comes from music and other books, i have playlists that remind me of my characters and story on spotify and those help a lot16. Where do you take your motivation from? - i remember that i’ve always wanted to be a writer since i was like 5 and could barely write my name and i think about how much i want that to be a reality.17. On avarage, how much writing do you get done in a day? - ehh i’d say maybe 400 words on average? the least ive written recently is 100 words the most was 1,50018. What’s your revision or rewriting process like? - ah i havent worked on one story enough to know yet19. First line of a WIP you’re working on. - No matter how many she saw, Siora couldn’t get used to Outer Land bars.

20. Post a snippet of a WIP you’re working on. - “In a shocking plot twist, the rich Kitonian girl used to be a thief,” Linde said, mimicking some sort of announcer.

“Are you just here to add sarcastic commentary?” Siora glared at them.

She seems to glare at them a lot, Dema thought.

“That’s the whole reason I’m following you,” they said, then added, “Don’t give me that look, you know I don’t really care about the war.”

“My question is why is Siora still putting up with you,” Asteria laughed.

“Don’t give me any ideas,” The Beati girl grumbled, a smile playing on her lips.

“Oh yes, don’t encourage her. She might try to hurt me with one of her toothpicks.”

Dema laughed, “Don’t insult a lady’s knives, it’s not wise.”

“What’s a lady?” The Gerum asked, feigning confusion.

“Dema is a lady,” Asteria kissed the girl on the cheek, laughing.

“Doesn’t seem very ladylike to me,” Siora snorted.

“Like you’re one to talk,” Dema shot back.

“If anyone here is a lady, it’s me,” Linde said, sticking their nose in the air.

“You aren’t even a girl!” Asteria shrieked, grinning.

“Fair enough,” They nodded.

21. Post the last sentence you wrote in one of your WIP’s. - “Yep, now we’re just doing a final check to make sure we have everything,” The girl said without looking up.22. How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you? - ahh depends i havent really “completed” any big projects, but for short stories usually only one or two23. Single or multi POV, and why? - multiple because i have so many characters and none of them is really the /main/ character24. Poetry or prose, and why? - i love prose but tbh im a poet at heart i write a l o t of poetry

25. Linear or non-linear, and why? - linear, otherwise i get too confused26. Standalone or series, and why? - standalone, because i think the story im working on rn is only one book long. altho i do have another story in this world planned dont tell anyone 27. Do you share rough drafts or do you wait until it’s all polished? - i share as i write

28. And who do you share them with? only sharing with @canipetyourdragon tho29. Who do you write for? - myself and my future readers30. Favorite line you’ve ever written. - for prose? “You complain so much I’m starting to think it’s a religious observance,” Siora said, leaning against the wall. the answer is dif for poetry tho31. Hardest character to write. - a s t e r i a i love her but shes not fully fleshed out yet. also shes so good32. Easiest character to write. - linde that snarky bastard33. Do you listen to music when you’re writing? - yep i have a playlist that reminds me of my story34. Handwritten notes or typed notes? - both35. Tell some backstory details about one of your characters in your story. - Siora was raised to be the right hand guard of the princess, but was exiled when she died.36. A spoiler for story? - the villain gets redeemed37. Most inspirational quote you’ve ever read or heard that’s still important to you. - hm i really dont know. writing wise, i love the quote “if the muse is late for work, start without her.”

38. Have you shared your outline of your story with someone? If so, what did they think of it? - I tell wyna about all my story shenanigans and schemes, and so far i think she likes it lmao39. Do you base your characters of real people or not? If so, tell us about one.- not characters i like. sometimes background redshirts are based on people i hate so that i can kill them40. Original Fiction or Fanfiction, and why? - both. I love writing fanfiction, but i also have a lot of original stories to tell41. How many stories do you work on at one time? - only one at a time for me42. How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc. - a lot of the time it just comes to me, but i also answer ask memes like this as that character43. Are you an avid reader? -  y e s 44. Best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten. - hm im really not sure45. Worst piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten. - most unhelpful? “it sucked ass” - daedalus46. What would your story look like as a tv show or movie? - o h dude i would love to see it as a movie it would be a really cool fantasy aesthetic omg the effects for the shapeshifters would be so cool to see

47. Do you start with characters or plot when working on a new story? - this story actually started with setting48. Favorite genre to write in. - YA isnt a genre is it? technically fantasy i guess49. What do you find the hardest to write in a story, the beginning, the middle or the end? - the middle for sure50. Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had. - idk abt story idea but when i was 12 i killed a character by turning him into a tortilla ¯\_(ツ)_/¯51. Describe the aesthetic of your story in 5 sentences or words. - fantasy eclectic influence and design.52. How did writing change you? - honestly writing poetry gave me a way to express my feelings safely. it honest to gods helped me stop self-harming.53. What does writing mean to you? - to me it means putting my ideas and thoughts and self into the world in a way that people (hopefully) read and enjoy54. Any writing advice you want to share? - start writing and dont stop. if you think that its crap, remember that everything starts as crap, and if you think no one in the world wants to read it, remember that i definitely want to read it if you tell me about it.

tysm for asking omg!

[resilientreader]

karma's a bitch, 1 - 100 for the ask meme please, babe

you know it, refer to��https://resilientreader.tumblr.com/post/163429192242/ask-away-tumblr

1. a sandwich, some chicken spaghetti (a concoction of my grandma’s lmao) and a couple pieces from a massive hershey’s bar; basically a lot more than usual2. i mean, if you’re talking romantically then a kiss hasn’t even happened yet. i think in general though like….. i kissed my dog repeatedly on her head the other day if that counts3. white black and pink iirc4. @joyridingfuck5. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯6. winter, bc i love cold weather + my bday is in that month + i love the aesthetic7. nope8. default????9. uhhh prob a song lyric10. if someone writes anything for me. could be just a letter or a story or a poem or a song or w/e, a written thing esp11. not as much as i could be12. :^))))13. there’s no deciding between two different types of angels15. museum or library; depends on the type of museum15. i’ll wear anything so long as it’s comfy16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be?17. in a relationship18. e v e r y t h i n g19. uhhh no sorry celebs but im completely satisfied 20. my emotions 21. i followed my family22. i guess not23. no plays aren’t my thing24. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯25. write and complete a full story, haven’t done it bc i lack motivation and all that shit26. I wish I had someone with whom I could share…  anything abt myself, my emotions, and shit without hesitating for a second27. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯28. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯29. i actually wrote stuff for once30. myself xdd31. 7 months and still going32. yeah33. yeah34. the relationship before this one was bc the person i was dating liked hopping around between crushes and i didnt trust them very much so i was just :^)) bye bitch35. no jewelry36. a couple weeks ago due to Emotions iirc?37. why name a specific someone when you could just say all gals (or guys, if they’d like that) are pretty no matter what38. i mean i wasnt exactly gifted it but i got some chocolate lmao39. yeah i guess40. not that i’m aware of41. yes yes yes42. nope43. countryside, def44. like…. a name??? i mean online most people just call me read???45. currently reading the entirety of the sherlock holmes collections so46. i guess i could qualify as a dork??47. a wide variety48. like 5′2, 5′3 iirc49. idk how much patience i have for them but they’re nice50. raspberries or bananas51. jeans52. goin to disney53. not that i’m aware of54. behind55. nope56. save57. cozy with warm colors and books/bookshelves everywhere. bean bags or soft couches/chairs, and a room dedicated to games and shit.58. being unreasonable!! or hypocritical!!!! or having no boundaries!!! or ruining shit for others!!!!! or just generally being shit at every opportunity for no reason!!!59. katie, snark, cinnamon, cupcake, and shitposts60. save the fucking dog, if my boss acts like a bitch about it they can go fuck themselves61. 72: i tell a few friends + family, i’d probably be a lot less active online and spend an equal amount of time with everyone i care about + be more open about how i feel bc im dying in a month anyway lmao, and yeah i’d be a bit scared62. the emotions generally associated w hearts63. prob idaho, the land of potatoes64. i’m fine with it, although i’m kinda used to it + have bad memories involving it so it’s more the aesthetic and shit that makes me like it65. if you count my dog as special then yes66. yeah it’s michelle67. sometimes?? when im tryin to figure some shit out68. long, mostly straight, dirty blonde, frizzy as FUCK.69. dont think there’s a definitive answer (although it’s ironic that this question is number 69, since it could be seen as suggestive aha)70. how can i make up an ideal partner when i already have one :^)71. yeah getting married would be nice

72. not right now no 

73. i have a love hate relationship w most of them ngl but my sister is nice74. slim i guess75. sure??? more smart logically instead of common sense or anything lmao76. the way my parents treat my family77. no im not rlly religious78. probably snark lmao, i feel like we’d go out and get drunk together just to tell girls how pretty/beautiful/cute they are79. if we’re goin on the question from earler, then im fine w bein locked in a room w my dog80. yeah, one or two people81. cuddling, ideally82. yeah, once again going off the question from earlier83. depends on who they are84. yeah85. nope86. yeah it was nice, even if it was a while ago87. yeah, two or three people88. “i wonder how long i can pretend i’m asleep”89. idaho, new york, finland, norway, england, canada, philippines, japan, madagascar, egypt i guess90. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯¯\_(ツ)_/¯¯\_(ツ)_/¯91. nope, sometimes i wish i would like actually take the time to but sometimes i dont rlly care92. it’s rlly nice and aesthetic and i love it and the sounds it makes and it’s so nice93. fuck yeah94. not for many things95. i guess, i mean i think a lot of nasty and smart ass things but it like,,,,takes a lot for me to actually fuck it and say them?? so yeah i guess96. all the time97. usually a few hours a day, plus there are nights98. depends on who i go hiking with99. even i guess100. no no no no no no and absolutely not

[sometimesrosy]

Hey Rosy! I know you said you'd be collecting some of the Tiffany spoilers and like you, I don't want to be spoiled but I don't mind being spoiled if I like the spoilers lol. Is there anyway we can access what you've collected? Also, a nonny noted that Tiffany squashed Becho/Braven rumors, what did she say do you know? ps- im so ready for Wed. not only bc I'm dying to see canon Bellarke, but also bc I'm so done w/all this anxiety. sometimes i cant believe im this anxious over a tv couple

Honestly I’ve been getting a few here and there and I never know where to put them so let me do another under the cut thing. I don’t have the receipts so if someone says she said something, I’m not going to be able to tell you what she said. I closed twitter and I’m not looking at it again until after the show.

Anonymous said:Man oh man… Tiffany (SORTA? SPOILER) just reblogged some photos where a fan wrote what she thinks about the bellarke separation… it basically says that bellarke will be confirmed in some way and they will probably be seperated… rosy omgggg

tiffany likes speculation that bellarke will be confirmed and then separated. that’s what I’ve been thinking the whole time. they’ve just been dragging out the confirmation for the whole season. which, ahem, is making me disgruntled.

Anonymous said:*****potential S5 spoiler***** Tiffany just said this “Question fans should be asking is: what about ALIE? She is going to play a big part in S5. Life on Ark will not be peaceful with her around.” OKGGMGMFKOAOAUABEKDP

Okay. Well ALIE in space. I have totally been saying that I thought ALIE was still on the Ark, where she went to hide from Raven and Murphy trying to destroy her from two different directions. I’ve wanted to see more from ALIE and Becca, and I think they are both out there and I think that’s still to come into play, although it seems to me now that it’s a loose thread for season 5.

Do NOT know how that’s going to affect them up there, but it was clear from the start that it would be risky, dangerous and uncomfortable. total subsistence level existence. they’re lucky they have Raven AND Monty, they’re going to need them. 

Anonymous said:You can totally post this ask under a cut since it deals with spoilers for the finale, but how did Tiffany dispel Becho rumors? I’ve steered clear of as many rumors as I could but Becho is my one worry. Did she give anything concrete? Because I know she’s said Bellarke positive things in the past but a lot of it has come from her own feelings and not what actually happens in the show.

Again, I have no receipts, but i did see someone blogged her tweet telling people to wait for the end of the episode and that would put the nail in the coffin of Becho. On a related note, I saw her say that Braven baby speculation was just getting ridiculous and out there. And that Praimfaya was a very bellarke centered episode. Or some such. Dont’ take me as an authority. I’m not reblogging those because I said I would do that stuff under the cut. 

Anonymous said:Dear Rosy, Alert! More spoilers are leaking with more information for the finale than had been released over the last few days. All I can say is Bellarke has never been more endgame than this. It’s the 100 - with all the craziness that entails - but Bellarke is a Jane & Rochester /The Notebook/North & South/Tristan & Isolde/Odysseus & Penelope kind of love. Star-crossed and fated and meant to be like Romeo & Juliet (without the daggers and poison). We’re going to be so, so, so happy with S5.

This one isn’t technically tiffany, but I think it’s in relation to all the screeners, so I’m going to put it here.

Anonymous said:they ask if theres more than a hug and she says 🤐when the last time they asked her about a kiss she said no there is no kiss or confession so it is clear we getting canon also she said theres much information lobbed about bellarke away for 5 years or separated and that our jaws are gonna drop with the twist also our bellarkes who have seen the spoilers of act 6 are not worried at all, i think the hug scene is where we are getting canon, bcs that werent leaked before and isnt it now

speculation based on vaguely positive or not negative or no comment kinds of comments.

Anonymous said:Mainly peoples problem with Tiffany is that she usually gets bellarkers hopes up, only for us to usually be let down. She’ll say she loves bellarke so much in an episode and then we get 2 seconds of them standing next to each other… so thats basically it as far as I know

True. She’s pro Bellarke, but her idea of pro bellarke isn’t the same as the shippers’ pro bellarke. I think that might be where we get some of the disappointment. But Selina kind of reinforces Tiffany’s optimism this time. So that’s hopeful. 

I think Tiffany just wants to calm all the people’s doom and gloom anxiety predictions, so i get it. She’s positive because Bellarke has never been killed. Even in those moments which are not bellarke or are obstacles, she sees forward movement… which I actually agree with. 

But like I said, that’s not the kind of bellarke development the shippers want to see. They want canon, no detours, no obstacles. So there’s a disconnect with what Tiffany and the audience each will be satisfied with. This is the struggle of being a non-shipper who is in love with a ship because it’s just that great. I feel the conflict, myself. No matter what happens in praimfaya, I have no doubt that Bellarke is endgame. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t getting screwed in the mean time. And they are screwing with us.