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lindsaystravelblogs3 · 1 year

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Days 16-18 – Saturday-Monday, 10-12 June - End of Tour and On to Sicily

Saturday

It was supposed to be a ‘MyTime’ day today but people were being encouraged to take the train to L’ile Rousse, a pretty village in the hills behind Calvi. We decided not to go – we needed a quiet day and a chance to catch up a little with our blogs. In the end, nobody took the train, but most people went on our coach. It was really just a three-hour trip up and back with time for lunch and a few photos – none of which we felt obliged to enjoy.

We deliberately slept late and did a few puzzles together before going down the brekky. We have hardly done any puzzles this trip because most mornings, we have had to have breakfast and get on the coach instead of lazing around in bed.

We had to repack everything so we could move on tomorrow – the last day of this tour – but we also wrote a lot for our respective blogs during the day. We went out for a while around lunchtime because I have mislaid the USB connector for my wireless mouse and we wanted to buy another one. I am sure it will turn up, but working without a mouse was just getting too frustrating. We were told to go to the supermarket around the corner where they sell everything – and they really do. It was a huge place, and I got my new mouse as well as a few extra nibbles to go with our lunch.

A lot of our crowd went into the pool after they returned to the hotel and we have seen them from our window that overlooks the pool – a very pleasant outlook, even without the pool. We all met in the lobby at 7pm to walk the six minutes to the restaurant where we were all having dinner. The 'six minutes' was important because our leader had been teased about everything being just ten minutes away. He had Googled it and Mr Google said it would take six minutes to walk to the restaurant. After six minutes, I called out ‘Stop – we must be here now’. Alas, only another seven and a half minutes to go!

The meal was quite good, but they applied a rigorous limit to us of two drinks each – so we bought a bottle and shared it wit those nearest to us. The table behind us simply walked up to where the wine was stored and took bottle after bottle as a means of topping up their quota. Some people have no conscience and Aussies bad manners sometimes embarrass the shit out of me.

Sunday

We left the hotel at 8.30 – or would have, except that our leader was late – so make that 8.40am. A few of our group were either staying on in Calvi for a few more days, or flying out later in the afternoon, but about twenty of us boarded the coach and off we went. The others stood about and waved us all goodbye.

It was quite a scenic drive to Bastia where we were to catch our ferry to Livorno. We detoured via the Bastia airport to shed a few more of our group and drove through town to the ferry terminal. What a schemozzle! The whole ferry experience was a nightmare.

We were there before 10.30 but the terminal didn’t open until noon – except that it was doing a brisk business before 11.30. Boarding time was 1pm – except that the Security line didn’t open until 1.15 and absolutely everything had to go through the X-ray machine. Needless to say, the X-ray picked up our tiny picnic knife, so we had to unpack that whole big bag and show it to the stupid kid who obviously imagined we intended using it to hijack the ship. Once she saw it – and the scissors and other implements far more dangerous than the little knife – she said everything was OK, and left us to repack our bags. I think I may have made to odd comment on the absurdity of the security process on a couple of previous occasions – but this one was even worse than the airports. Others of our group experienced similar frustrations. All the Security staff we encounter seem to belong to a class of their own - Moron Class.

We eventually walked out to a huge asphalt paddock with no signage to indicate how to board the ship, but we found a porter who pointed us to a yellow band painted on the ground and said that was the pedestrian walkway. We followed that for a couple of hundred metres until we were shouted at to tell us we were on the wrong yellow line – we were supposed to be on the parallel one two metres to our left. We quickly changed lanes and twenty metres further along, that one merged with the one we had already been on. Little minds abusing the little bit of power they have to make it as difficult as they can for we poor tourists.

Of course, we are lugging all of our luggage – no trolleys are provided. Is there a lift, sir? Just along the side of the bulkhead! Unfortunately, it was locked, but there are stairs – only seven floors up to Reception! We eventually found someone else to ask and he arranged for the lift to be unlocked. A maximum of six people were allowed in the tiny box and with our luggage, there was really no room for our feet so I sat on our cases. Then the lift wouldn’t work. It took about ten minutes before another guy told us that one of the bags was blocking a hidden sensor. Once that was remedied, we were delivered to Reception on Level Seven. There we were given our reserved seat numbers and told the seats were on the next level up on the left. Unfortunately, there is no lift! We lugged our stuff up the stairs but there are no seats anywhere – we were just faced with three ‘do not enter’ doors. I went back to Reception to be rough-handled by the French crowd and screamed at by the guy at Reception – ‘No English, no English – one stair up and then left – one up, left!!!’ In the meantime, Heather had been guarding our bags on the landing one stair up and discovered that ‘one’ apparently means ‘two’ in French. We trudged up another flight of steps behind one of the Do Not Enter doors to an area of two hundred seats of which thirteen had been reserved for those of us who had paid for reserved seating. For most of the trip, twenty-odd blocks of four seats were occupied by snoring sleepers who had not paid extra to be there. No skin off our nose, but the whole show really was Mickey Mouse stuff. I washed my hands in the Gents toilet – two of the three cubicles were out of order, as were both the hand-dryers. When they made the announcement about what to do in the unlikely event of us sinking, I really started to get concerned. There are no dogs allowed in the reserved seating area, but the noise from the dozens barking two decks below us is loud and incessant. And people (lots of them) smoke and vape anywhere and everywhere over here and just flick their butts anywhere – it doesn’t really bother me, but it is so different from the very restrictive (some might say, civilised?) requirements in Australia.

The whole experience was awful. The ship was filthy, there were crowds everywhere, the bar was closed 15 minutes into the trip, nothing worked as it should – maybe that is just Italy in a nutshell, but we were really glad to get off the ship after standing around for an hour, waiting for all the vehicles to be unloaded so the pedestrians could disembark.

We shared a cab with another couple from our group who were staying at the same hotel but when we came to check in, there was no record of our reservation. They looked under both our surnames and Christian names but found nothing. We showed him all the paperwork, proving the reservation and that we had paid for it in full. The concierge was just so helpful and apologetic, and he was very diligent in his searches but the upshot was that, after close to an hour of searching, we had to pay full price again. At least, there were plenty of rooms and he gave us an upgrade for our troubles.

The other couple from our group were going out as we were making payment and they said that the rooms were microscopic – but ours was more than comfortable with a great outside terrace overlooking the river. Heather had almost finished an email to our travel agent explaining the situation when the phone rang. The concierge had found our reservation and payment, and could we please come back to Reception so he could process an immediate refund. The booking had been made in the name of Heather Wheat - but somewhere along the way, they think a computer translated it to Erica (the botanical genus for heather) Grano (Italian for wheat). The booking was located under Erica Grano’s name!! Can you believe that? I wonder what the computer would have made of Lindsay Doig?

After sorting all of that out, we went to a little openair cafe around the corner. It was almost 9pm, but a beautiful balmy night, quiet except for the nearby traffic, with a gentle breeze and owner-staff who couldn’t do enough to ensure we had an enjoyable time. I ordered a seafood crepe and Heather had pasta. The servings were sensible, an ideal quantity for us, and my crepe was absolutely delicious. We had a couple of drinks each and when they found that we were Aussies, it was like a family reunion – the owner had visited Brisbane several years ago and welcomed us with great enthusiasm. We also enjoyed a delicious complementary Limoncello each and sat over our meal for well over an hour. It was quite delightful and we both loved it. Then it was bed, deep sleep and numerous night-cramps for both of us.

Monday

Today was really quite enjoyable with somewhat less time pressures and nobody else to consider. Despite our fatigue after yesterday, we were up around 7am and down to breakfast soon after. The other couple from our previous tour had an early train to catch so we never saw them.

Our driver for the trip from Livorno to Florence arrived a few minutes early, but we were already sitting outside the door in a shady, flowery portico, so we loaded up and set off for our first stop at the Vespa Museum (more properly, the Piaggio Museum) in Pontedera. I had no expectations of the museum, and felt that allowing a full hour to look at a few old scooters was overkill, but when we got there, we found that it was closed anyway. Monday it is closed every week and today is Monday. The manager saw us at the door and came over to us and explained the situation with many apologies. We weren’t too fussed, but our driver told him that we had a booked tour and that we had come all the way from Australia just to see it. ‘Australia! he said, come right in’ - and we were left to our own devices to explore at will - and without paying for tickets. We did and it was FABULOUS!

They must have close to a thousand items on display, including racing bikes (Vespa’s first foray into road racing was on the day Heather was born!!), artistically decorated bikes, touring bikes - one with an Aussie flag attached and one painted to honour a spell in Townsville - and all sorts of amazing special purpose bikes. One room was devoted to the first ever motor bikes built by a Mr Gilera in the 1890s, but all the rest were Vespas. A fire truck, racing bikes, one used in a movie as a bike, helicopter and submarine, one of six hundred used in the desert by the French Foreign Legion (equipped with a rocket launcher and a couple of bundles of rockets), a tram, a mobile bookshop, ornate tuk-tuks - you name it - Vespas have done it – even marine and aircraft engineering. It was amazing and we really needed at least an extra couple of hours to take it all in. A few other people saw us in there through the window and wanted us to unlock he place so they could get in, but we tried to hide to avoid anyone else getting cranky when they were locked out while we had the run of the place. It was a fantastic hour and a huge privilege, and we thanked the manager profusely.

A tram guarding the Museum entrance, a few Vespas in the massive display, and a 'Bike Rack".

Next stop was Lucca, a very old town surrounded by the usual elaborate fortifications and a high wall all around. The town now spreads out around the fortified area, but we had a couple of hours to wander on our own. Our driver gave us a map and told us a couple of places to go, one being a large ‘round square’ with lots of shops and restaurants.

The round 'Square' and a nearby tower featuring both round and square architecture.

We checked it out, but it was crowded, noisy and hot, so we wandered back through the maze of tiny twisting lanes and came upon a church with a photographic display that was pretty special. One of the photos is a well-known one that has featured on the cover of National Geographic, but they were nearly all great portraits. We spoke to the photographer who was busy selling prints and it turns out that he was born in Lucca and still lives there. He wants to photograph in the Amazon but can’t afford the fare. He was a bit jealous that we had been there so recently.

The famous photo (on the right). The figure on the left might be just as famous to some viewers.

We had a light lunch, very enjoyable with a long cold one, at a shady quiet café, just across the road from where we were to meet our driver, and timing was perfect. She drove up just as we were crossing the road to meet her.

Then it was on to the Florence airport. We had a bit of a wait, but we were the third to check in and security was a five-minute breeze - the easiest and best I have encountered for at least the past twenty-five years! Of course, not everything can go to plan and boarding was delayed by more than an hour. Not sure quite why, but it seems that they needed to board two people in wheelchairs but could only find one chair. Despite that, we boarded surprisingly quickly, and take-off was only delayed about thirty minutes.

It was actually quite a fast day for us slow Aussies. Our driver seemed to be a quite competent driver, zipping in and out of traffic fairly smoothly, if a little faster than altogether necessary. But then we got out on the Autostrada and her foot went down. There were short sections where the speed limit was 40, 50, 80 or 110 kph and she sometimes slowed to 140 in those areas. I could see the digital speed display on the GPS on the dashboard and although I wasn’t watching it all the time, it was displaying 150-plus much of the time and touched at least 166 on several occasions. Then despite boarding our flight more than an hour late, we were only about ten minutes late landing, so maybe there was some extra speed there, although we were not aware of it. And then, when we arrived in Palermo, we were met by our hotel transfer driver in a Porsche and our trip to the city had him driving at 150-plus for most of the trip. We never felt in danger at any time, but people seem completely at ease with much higher speeds here - and even at those speeds, plenty of other cars were passing us.

We checked in at our hotel and did a minimum of organising ourselves before going out for something to eat at 10.45pm. The hotel told us how to get to a bar a kilometre away because everything else was closed. Luckily, we found a takeaway place halfway there and bought some hot fried things back to our room for ‘supper’ – more than we could eat and very rich with an oversupply of cheese, as seems common over here. Then bed at last a bit before 1am!

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meta-squash · 4 years

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Brick Club 1.2.13 “Petit Gervais”

(I’m sorry this is so long. This is a combination of my observations from my February reread and from this reading.)

Valjean leaves Digne the way that he came; he does it blindly, but he doesn’t realize he’s retracing his steps. And as he retraces his steps, he also potentially falls back into old habits and the behaviors that are familiar, rather than the changes Myriel, uh, strongly conveyed. Hugo is so heavy handed with his foreshadowing metaphors.

“He was prey to a mass of new emotions. He felt somewhat angry, without knowing at whom. He could not have said whether he was touched or humiliated.” I know we all kind of went over this in the brick club posts for the last chapter, but it makes perfect sense to me that we get Myriel’s “taking” of Valjean’s soul in the last chapter but we don’t get Valjean’s emotional reaction until now. All of the last chapter was from Myriel’s point of view, and we needed that for that last glimpse into the bishop’s life and motivations. This chapter jumps back into Valjean, so we do get his humiliated, angry, confused feelings regarding this bishop suddenly tricking him into “promising” to be good and claiming his soul for god.

Up until this point, it seems as though Valjean’s opinions of religion have been neutral, if not mildly negative. The bishop shows him more kindness than he has probably ever been shown in his life, even pre-prison. Turns out that kindness wasn’t unconditional, but I think the fact that it’s this spiritual, sort of “conceptual” condition makes it very different for Valjean. No one taking his labor or money or possessions. Instead it’s his “soul,” something I think at this point he’s only just starting to properly think about in a positive way as well.

“At times he would really have preferred to be in prison with the gendarmes, and free from this new development; it would have troubled him less.” I have so many feelings about this line. Change is hard. Especially if you have mired yourself in anger and negative emotions for nearly 20 years, especially if you have used that anger and hatred as a cornerstone to survival that entire time. It’s so much easier to go back to what you know, even if it hurts, because it’s a pain you’re used to and you know what to expect. But having to face a new experience, and a change in mentality, and to have to work to change your instincts and habits, that’s huge and terrifying and unfamiliar so it feels like it would be much more painful and uncomfortable. Of course he would rather go with the gendarmes. Sure the galleys are awful but at least he’ll know what to expect and he knows how he’ll be treated so there’s no expectation of rejection or disappointment or failure on the other side of that. Goodness, however, especially Myriel’s expectation of goodness, that’s unfamiliar and scary because he could potentially fail, because maybe it won’t work since he still has that yellow passport, because he has no idea what’s on the other side.

Valjean’s sudden and uncomfortable memories of childhood are so sad. Like, the memory of being innocent and free and being able to smell flowers just because is almost painful to him, like he can’t really fathom it anymore.

I’d love to know why Valjean was sitting in the thicket. Was it a habit from prison and/or prison escapes, like is he instinctively hiding, sort of subconsciously afraid of rearrest? Or was it kind of normal for someone who’s out in the middle of nowhere to take refuge in a thicket as evening came on?

“Ignorance and innocence” make Petit Gervais unafraid and confident. I’m not sure if this is an intentional contrast between the “ignorance and guilt” or “ignorance and malicious intent” types of personalities he portrays, which are often desperate and fearful in a way that makes them falsely confident, but it is interesting.

Every time I read this book, I don’t know what to make of Valjean’s “Who is it?” From the next dialogue lines it sounds like a way to make Petit Gervais leave, but from the narration it sound like a practically unconscious, almost dreamlike state. I think this is the point where Valjean is actively battling his instincts. It’s dreamlike because this is where habit takes over; perhaps this is the type of interaction inmates often had with each other, and he’s more preoccupied with thinking about everything else so he’s just on autopilot at this point. He probably spent a lot of time in prison just on autopilot, because after 20 years he probably knew what to expect. Which maybe is one of the reason it upsets him so much. If he was on the cusp of making an autonomous decision about his life, thinking it over and trying to figure out how to think about all this stuff he hasn’t thought of in 20 years (or ever), and then he mindlessly acts in a specific way when he still hasn’t figured out even what he feels yet.

Valjean’s reaction after Petit Gervais leaves sounds like a panic attack. Hugo says “feverish,” but being hot (or numb) and hyperventilating and being unable to really focus on or take in anything, all that sounds like a panic attack.

Which, okay, disregarding what I said above, I’m now also kind of wondering if half the reason the interaction with Petit Gervais goes the way it does is because Valjean is basically on the very edge of this panic attack and all his mental reserves are spent trying to stave it off. Which is why he’s mildly confused about the money under his shoe; he mostly just wanted the boy to go away, and the rest of the actions were (like I said) habit and instinct kicking in while the main parts of his brain were elsewhere.

The 40 franc piece as an eye staring at him, judging him, is a fairly common motif in the book. Valjean spends a lot of time personifying inanimate objects as judges or accusers.

FMA translates Valjean calling Petit Gervais’ name as “a desolate and terrible voice,” while Hapgood says “most formidable and the most disconsolate that it was possible to hear”. (Those are the two translations I have access to; I wish I could compare the others.) Hugo also says that it’s a voice that would have terrified the boy had he not already been far away. Normally I go for FMA but this time I think I like Hapgood better? “Disconsolate” seems to be a better word for Valjean’s upset state.

Hugo again showing the stark difference between Myriel and other priests. This priest on horseback wants nothing to do with Valjean, and in fact is more afraid of Valjean than wanting to help him.

Valjean doesn’t try to give the priest Petit Gervais’ forty franc piece; he gives him 4 five franc pieces. He retains the responsibility and/or hope of finding and returning the money. He doesn’t pawn that off on someone else; I think the prospect of returning the money also contains within it the prospect of reversing his deed, reversing the negative instinct and becoming good instead. When he can’t find Petit Gervais no matter how much he searches, that’s the moment when he starts to realize that he can’t just try and reverse a deed already done in order to become good; he has to change everything.

Pride vs tenderness here. I keep thinking about how the breakdown of this pride affects Valjean later in the book. He used his pride to prop up his hatred while he was in prison. He was right in thinking that society wronged him and that punishment was excessive, but I think in Hugo’s view he let that make him hateful and prideful rather than humble? His pride then breaks down here, but the combination of his terrible self esteem and his dramatic nature means that he doesn’t just humble himself to the level of others, a normal, healthy level. He humbles himself almost to the level of self-loathing. His pride inverts, so instead of blaming the world for his problems and his anger, he feels the need to shoulder everyone else’s problems (while staunchly ignoring his own). It’s not very healthy, especially because a lot of times he seems to do it to kind of avoid thinking about or feeling about his own anxieties or negative thoughts.

I’m wondering why Hugo says that Valjean breaks down at a “place where three paths met,” and then a few paragraphs later tells us “there was no longer a middle course for him.” We know what those two courses are, but I don’t think Hugo would have done the “three paths” thing if it didn’t mean something. What’s that third path?

“...that, if he wanted to become good, he must become an angel; that, if he wanted to remain evil, he must remain a monster?” My notes from February just say ‘like recidivism to the extreme.’ I’m not sure where I was going with it then, but it does make me marvel at the fact that Valjean was able to do all that he did without a support system, with his own sheer willpower and determination and faith.

“Certainly misfortune, as we have said, educates the intelligence...” Hugo imbuing Valjean with magical visionary powers due to misery, I guess. This goes back to the discussion of Valjean at Toulon, and how he had a “primitive spark” and something unique in him that allows his soul to be rekindled into goodness while others may not have that divine element.

“The future life, the possible life offered to him, all pure and radiant, filled him with trembling and anxiety.” It’s almost as if Valjean never actually leaves this emotional state, even when he becomes good. It’s like he’s constantly terrified of falling back into hateful or bad behavior, but at the same time the idea of being pure and good without mentally flagellating himself is also terrifying. The difference between Valjean and Myriel is that while Myriel dismisses his good deeds and things either as duty or as god’s will etc, Valjean beats himself up for things he does not being good enough or not sacrificing enough.

“...the fact is that in stealing this money from the child, he had done a thing of which he was no longer capable.” What an interesting phrase. How can Valjean do something he’s no longer capable of as he is doing it? Instinct/habit vs conscience, which again is something I think Valjean battles a lot throughout the book.

The image of Valjean as a sort of empty vessel with his past self standing before him is such a cool visual.

This parallel between Jean Valjean’s self and past vanishing when he was put in prison and given the number 24601, vs Valjean’s past self as a prisoner vanishing as he allows the image of the bishop to take over is interesting. “All his past life was erased, even his name. He was no longer Jean Valjean; he was number 24,601.” and then, “By one of those singular effects peculiar to this kind of ecstasy, as his reverie continued, the bishop grew larger and more resplendent to his eyes; Jean Valjean shrank and faded away. For one instant he was no more than a shadow. Then he disappeared. The bishop alone remained.” In the first instance, it is society erasing Valjean the person. In the second, it is religion and conscience erasing convict-Valjean the amoral, or convict-Valjean the evil.

“It seemed to him that he was looking at Satan by the light of Paradise.” Damn, Valjean, way to beat yourself all the way down. Again, I think he never really learns to see himself as anything other than this wretch that he sees here, this miserable and monstrous convict with villainous instincts and so much hatred and anger and hurt. He spends so much time believing this and fighting it, he’s never able to look at himself from outside of himself again like this, and see the good person he’s truly become.

Also, I want to point out that earlier in the chapter Hugo says that Valjean was probably about 10 miles from Digne. This means he walked all the way back to kneel at the doorway of Myriel’s house. I wish I knew more about religion; I feel like the kneeling is maybe significant? I mean, during the Picpus digression there’s all that stuff about prostration in front of the cross, but I feel like this is significant as well. Alas, I don’t know much about religious acts or acts of prayer and I’m not sure how to look something like this thought up, either.

ETA: I had more thoughts about this chapter and wrote a whole second post.

#les miserables #les miserables meta #brickclub #les mis #les mis meta #lm 1.2.13 #i always seem to start writing these at 4 in the morning i should stop that #i wrote for an hour and then slept until 1pm and got up and wrote more

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ussjellyfish · 4 years

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Felix’s birth story

So I never wrote this out after he was born, or last year, and this year, my little gentleman is 2, and it seems like the time to tell it.

So, Felix’s birth story under the cut. (unmedicated vaginal delivery, really almost boring).

Felix’s due date was January 14th, and he was born on January 14th. I went for a walk the night before, and it was cold, really cold (-25C ish), and really beautiful and icy.

After midnight I had contractions, and I don’t think I could have said what a contraction was before I had them, but when I had them, it was obvious. (so that was nice!)

And they didn’t hurt at first, they were kind of consuming and tight and I couldn’t sleep through them. I did try to sleep. I lay there in the dark and listened to Drastic Measures (Star Trek Discovery) on audiobook because I had that on my phone and it didn’t take any effort.

My cats came and slept on me and it was actually kind of nice (but weird, intimidating because at some point it was going to hurt and be more intense and I wasn’t quite ready and when do you actually go to the hospital (I didn’t want to go early and be bored).

My water broke at around 430am, and it was weirdly just like they tell you. A pop kind of and gush, like I’d suddenly peed my pants without feeling like peeing.

I got up, I took off my pajamas, I put towels on my bed and then I couldn’t sleep anymore. I hadn’t bothered to time anything, I hadn’t looked at my phone, and I remember leaning on his crib, dancing around a little because they were pretty tight and wondering if I should use the contraction timer (which I hadn’t even looked at but I did have on my phone).

So I did that for about half an hour and I remember staring at the times thinking “these are too close together, I should wait until they are further apart and then go” They’d said around 5 minutes apart, you could head in.

Mine were three minutes or less apart then, and they lasted almost a minute. They hurt, a little, like my whole belly was tightening up and almost bouncing down? Very weird. Truly a unique experience.

So I woke up my mom after 5 and told her to walk the dog. She was staying with me with her rather annoying dog and my mom’s rather annoying so I wasn’t thrilled. We already had the car seat in the car and I had a bag (which included my star trek robe, always a good choice).

Mom was kind of skeptical, I guess because I wasn’t in that much pain. It did hurt, now, like the worst menstrual cramps I’d ever had and kind of bigger (I suppose my uterus was a lot bigger). It was cold and my mom was complaining about my car (I needed the brakes fixed) and we listened to classical music on the radio because she was grumpy.

It was after 6 when we got to the hospital, and we walked in and I remember in the parking lot was the first contraction I couldn’t walk through. I just stood there because it really hurt and if I was still, it was fine. And then you fill out paperwork and they offered me a wheelchair, which I didn’t want. Then they send me into a room to get checked and I took my clothes off and I was so wet, fluid was leaking and it just keep leaking and I was sweaty and they put a monitor on me and made me sit on the bed

Which sucked. Holding still sucked, sitting sucked and then they did an internal exam which was really uncomfortable and one of the women from my labor class had been sent home because she wasn’t in labor enough, and I was worried, because going home sounded so annoying.

I was at 8 centimeters, so I did not have to go home and the stupid monitor said Felix was fine. (stupid monitor). So we walked to the delivery room, which had purple lights, and I wanted to take a bath SO much and they wouldn’t let me because of the monitor. (my monitor hatred is strong).

My doula came, and she was awesome awesome. I hadn’t met her before and I didn’t get the one I thought I’d have because I was apparently so close they sent the faster one who lived closer. We changed positions a lot and wandered around and I remember basically peeing on the floor because I didn’t have to pee that much and they also weren’t that keen on mme going to the toilet. I don’t know why. They just put towels on the floor and it was fine.

My doctor was a 2nd year resident, and we were his second continuity of care delivery (where he’d been my prenatal too). He’s very sweet and enthusiastic. The teaching doc we got is this very calm Asian woman with small hands and really pretty hair. She came in around 8 because then I could push.

They made me lie down, which was annoying. They were worried about Felix being too big because I had gestational diabetes (mild and a huge point of contention because they just made everything hell).

I had to hold my legs and pushing is just the strangest movement because it’s muscles you usually don’t use. The light was bright over the bed and I did swear a few times, or yell, because it hurt and it was more just...frustrating and exhausting because it hurt and then it would still hurt and I did the right things but he would get closer and then go back.

I remember them wanting me to push with every contraction and there was one where I just took a break. Screw you guys.

I never really felt the bearing down they talk about. I thought I’d hit somewhere when I wanted to push and I didn’t. My hand hurt because the stupid IV was doing something. I had to hold on to my legs and that was annoying.

They decided they needed to do an episiotomy, and I’m still kind of bitter about this because we didn’t try changing positions (my doula did ask I was just not in the position to argue or advocate).

That part is really strange. I didn’t have any fight. I was tired, sure, but I was really agreeable. I’m told this is hormones too.

The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and kind of short, so I’d push him down and it would pull him back up. So they numbed me up (getting the needles in for that hurt) and my teaching doc did the cutting and then I pushed once and he just fell out.

He was just there, and damn, not being pregnant anymore feels really great. Kind of empty, but you’re so bendy-flexible- not under any tension anymore. It’s great.

And the placenta was nothing. It just kind of squelched out. It did look cool.

He had chubby arms and a chubby face and he was totally fine. I held him for a bit, he was not interested in eating, so they weighed him and gave him a hat and a heel poke and they stiched up the episiotomy.

That hurt, and my student doc was doing the stitches and he went outside the anesthetic for a few stitches and damn. I remember saying fuck a few times. I also got to get up to pee and I had one nurse called Katie who had been there and two more had come in at the end and they didn’t want to let me up, but I stood up just fine.

My nurse Katie said I hadn’t had an epidural and I think that was rather rare because they were surprised I could just walk.

And I was tired, like I’d been running or swimming or climbing, something really full body exhausting, but it didn’t hurt really.

We moved to the other room and Felix and I watched CNN and eventually we worked out how to get the boob in his mouth (more of it than I thought had to go in there).

and it was really boring. My mom stayed and my dad came and...it was still boring. Felix was very cute and cuddly and he wanted boob and snuggles and I remember changing his diapers and holding him (those funny sticky black new baby diapers) and he just wanted to be held all the time, and we atched pointless television because they won’t just let you go home.

I got ibuprofen and paracetemol and pancakes. I had pancakes right after he was born because I was so hungry.

And chocolate pudding and they were terrible pancakes but, I was hungry.

They made me pee in a weird upside down hat thing that went on the toilet a few times and then they left me alone.

It was very alone. I remember holding him in the bath in his blanket because I wanted a bath but I didn’t want him to get lonely and cry so I couldn’t grab him.

I was so sleep deprived and they don’t want you hold him in bed and fall asleep so he went down and back and down and back and I did eventually just give up and hold him and sleep.

He was also a perfect size. We went home the next day, which was too long in the hospital, especially after I got released at 1pm and he didn’t get out until 7pm because he was a little yellow. (he bounced back fine, but was a little yellow at first)

Then we went home, and watched Discovery and the Witcher and Korean zombie dramas and I ate so much chocolate peanut butter pretzels. My Doula came to visit, and we talked and I remember thinking kind of in a shellshocked way that I was really annoyed they made me push on my back and I couldn’t do anything about it.

It’s actually not a good position! It goes against the spine and I had my feet in stirrups and I had a nasty bruise on my hand from my IV (that I also didn’t need, they just ran saline the whole time) and my pinkie finger was all tingly (that took weeks to get back to normal).

And all the “you just had a baby” advice is totally crap if you’re single. Let someone else...do the dishes cook for you do...

No, you do ALL the things and baby, and change diapers in the middle of the night and feed them (constantly, it’s so constant).

And take the kiddo to get his blood checked when it’s -35C outside. (poor little guy, he was fine, didn’t even need the light jacket). And get weighed (he was getting plenty of milk and chubbed up fast).

But newborns have no personality. (in my opinion They don’t even really ‘like’ you. You feed them and you make them comfortable and they sleep, and sleep, and snuggle.

Star Trek got me through a lot those first couple months until he was big enough to know I was there (like actually know me)

#birth story #funny how I've wanted to write this for 2 years and did finally #hospital birth #personal

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bard-llama · 3 years

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When did you start writing fic and what was your first fandom?

Oooooh, love this! Okay, so I discovered fanfiction around 5th grade, so I would've been 10ish? And the first fandom I read for was InuYasha, I'm pretty sure, but the first fandom I wrote for... I think it was technically Fruits Basket/Furuba, but Detective Conan was my true love during my weeaboo phase. (And I mean, it's still a fave)

I started writing originally because my bff in 4th grade was a writer! And she's my qpp now and still writing, but she really inspired me! And I mean, we were 9yos, our stuff was probably terrible, but we were encouraged by a few people in particular and it really made a difference. So I started writing original fiction when I was 9. Fanfiction came a little later and I'm semi-compelled to go look up my FF.net first publication dates, but I think it was maybe when I was 10? And then I discovered slash was a thing in 6th grade (i was VERY oblivious and no one had ever straight out said to me "queer people exist" so I didn't know!).

After that, I wrote pretty regularly, both fanfiction and some original fiction for years and actually started college with a Creative Writing major, but I ended up dropping it because I wanted to be employable (what a fucking joke. I've never used my degree a day in my life, though I did enjoy all the discussion classes I got to take). So I know I wrote during college and I'm not exactly sure when I stopped or why, but also, looking back on my schedule between work, internship, and school, plus transportation... jesus, I could not do that today. So like, maybe I was literally just too busy to write or burned myself out or something. But for a bit under a decade, I stopped writing. I was still active in fandom and I still read fanfiction constantly (it was kinda my only hobby at times), but it wasn't until 2020 when Netflix Witcher inspired me to pick up writing again. And now it's literally ALL I do. Like, I know it's scary how much I write, but you have to understand - my brain is SUPER hyperfixated on writing. My day today looked like this: slept in until 10:30, decided to write instead of working from 11am-1pm. At 1pm, I had a work call, so I switched to work, but only managed 2hrs and a lil change. Then I went back to writing. It is now 11pm. That is ALL I did today. This is what my days typically look like (though hopefully I can up the number of hours worked, because I gots bills to pay!).

So idk how I took an ask about first fandom and rambled this much, BUT - I just want people to know that they should not be discouraged if they don't produce as much as I do. Literally, it is kinda unhealthy how much I produce. Also, my WiP list showed me that I have 135 WiPs and that's just the ones that are completely unpublished and have more than a few paragraphs! So like... yeah idk. Do not be me? But also, please talk to me about fics!! Sharing is my love language and I love getting to ramble (as you can see). So please, never think you are bothering me if you wanna stop by my ask box with anything!

#ask #fandom #writing

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bandpreferences15 · 5 years

Text

The Life of a “Tour Mom”

Masterlist

Requested by the lovely @hiworlditishumbleme

Hey I was wondering if you could write something for Mötley Crüe where the reader has been with the band since the beginning and is a motherly influence. Like she is roughly their age but just takes care of them and is the only one that can truly control them if need be. I just think it would be so cute and like they could call her Ma. I feel like if she were to get with one of them though it would ether be Mars or Tommy. It’s just something that I would love for you to bring to life

A/N: I did leave out the bit about the reader dating one of the boys because I couldn’t decide which one to use lol. If I do a second part to this, I’ll pick then 👌

Update: As I wrote this it kinda turned into a Tommy x reader.....my bad

“Same old shit every damn day....” you mumbled under your breath, sliding the scrunchie off your wrist and tying Vince’s blonde hair into a little topknot while he was hunched over the toilet. Another late night of partying sent you into mom mode, trying to make sure the boys survived at least until the next show.

“Ughhh..” Vinced moaned, his stomach no doubt churning from the amount of alcohol he’d consumed a few hours prior. You rubbed his back soothingly, placing a cup of water next to him before making your way to the doorway of the bathroom. “Thanks, Ma.” you heard him mumble.

As you exited the bathroom you went in search of the remaining aftermath of last night’s party, thankful that the boys were staying in a house rather than a hotel. It made it easier to keep track of them. You found Nikki passed out on the couch in the living room. He looked otherwise intact, however, the closer you got, the more you could see how wrong you were. There was gum in his hair, he had a cut on his left eyebrow, and his shoelaces were tied together. You sighed, grateful that the rental house’s kitchen came fully stocked. You plucked a jar of peanut butter from the cabinet just as Mick was walking in, rubbing his temples.

“Coffee’s on the counter, Mick. House meeting in a half hour.” He waved you off but nodded nonetheless, pouring himself a steaming cup and sitting down at the kitchen island. He rested his forehead on the cold marble, sighing in relief as it seemed to help the pounding in his head.

Nikki stirred on the couch as you approached, looking around as if he didn’t know where he was. He stretched, nearly rolling off the couch, the only thing stopping him being your own body as you sat beside him.

“Morning, Ma. What happened last night?” He tried to run a hand through his hair, wincing when he got stuck in the gum.

“Nik, it’s 1pm. Not exactly morning. And hold still, I’m trying to help you, you big baby!” Nikki batted at your hands flitting around his face and hair, only stopping when you grasped his wrists and gave him a stern look. He pouted, folding his hands over his stomach while you worked. After a few minutes, and peanut butter covered hands, you were finally able to get the sticky pink substance out of Nikki’s hair.

You gently punched his arm.

“All done. Go get yourself a shower, you stink.” Nikki rolled his eyes, standing from the couch but falling to the floor soon after.

“Son of a bi- TOMMY!” Nikki fumed from the shaggy carpet under his cheek. It was then you realized that you had not yet seen the tall drummer. A giggle sounded from behind the kitchen counter and you caught the tail end of Tommy’s escape from the room as you looked up. You rolled your eyes, pulling off Nikki’s boots that you’d completely forgotten were tied together.

Tommy peeked around the corner again and you pointed a threatening finger at him.

“You. Sit.” Tommy hung his head, stalking over and slouching to the couch in front of you. Nikki gave him a glare and made an attempt to take a swing at the tall brunette, before you chucked the pair of boots at him. “You, Shower. Now.”

You turned back to Tommy, folding your arms over your chest and cocking one hip. “Did you tie Nikki’s boots together?” Tommy snickered, quickly catching himself and trying to put on some semblance of a poker face. “Jesus, Tommy! What if he fell down the stairs or into the pool?!”

“Could you maybe not yell?” Mick groaned from the kitchen.

“You stay out of this!” You glanced back at Tommy, raising an eyebrow. “Why are you fine?”

“What?” Tommy looked utterly confused.

“Why are you fine? Hey, look at me.” You gently grasped his chin, looking into his eyes. The weren’t dilated and he didn’t smell like alcohol.

“Take a picture. It’ll last longer.” Tommy smirked, the flirty comment knocking you out of your thoughtful state. You gave him a little shove.

“Are you sober right now?” you asked, the surprise clear in your voice.

“Why, yes, I am.” he smiled innocently. You backed away slightly, lowering yourself into the chair opposite him. Tommy leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees and giving you a megawatt smile. “Close your mouth, darlin’. You’ll catch flies.” He laughed, tapping your chin. You closed your mouth, giving him a questioning stare.

“Do you mean to tell me that you didn’t drink yourself into oblivion or take any kind of drugs last night? I find that extremely hard to believe.”

Tommy sat back, slinging an arm over the back of the couch. He smiled softly, almost as if he was embarrassed.

“I didn’t want....” he trailed off, speaking so low you could hardly hear him.

“Speak up, Tommy. What are you up to?!”

“I said I didn’t want you to have to deal with all of us while we were down for the count, ok! Last time we had a party like that we were all so wasted and you had to take care of us even though you’d hardly slept yourself and we had a really busy day that day and I know you work really hard and I just wanted to, you know...help, I guess.” The words rushed out of him and he shrugged gently, not meeting your eyes.

You hand flew to your mouth, hiding a shy smile.

“Tommy? Hey, come on!” you tapped his knee and he finally met your gaze, a light blush on his cheeks. “You were worried about me?” you asked softly.

“Yes, Ma. It’s because he loves you now will you please shut the fuck up? My head is killing me!” Mick interjected from the kitchen.

“Fuck off, old man!” Tommy yelled, an exasperated sigh leaving his lips as he stood abruptly.

You glanced up at him, words lost on your lips as Tommy awkwardly shifted in front of you.

“Tommy? Is that true?” you whispered.................

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zoeygreensimblr · 4 years

Text

Paper Rings

I woke up before the crack of dawn, if I am being honest though I hadn't slept much at all last night, my mind kept racing with how the day was going to go. I worried that it may rain, that people may not even show up, that I would get so nervous from all the eyes on me that I would have a panic attack and the whole ceremony would have to be call off. What if Angus got cold feet and didn't show up? That thought alone made me sit up right in my lonely bed. Angus had spent the night at Imogen's, although we were far from traditionalist I had told him that I still believed it was bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, it was a decision I regretted well into the night. I'm an over thinker and he is the one person who can put my mind at ease about all of this but he was in the city and I was stuck here in Brindleton Bay, alone.

As if on cue I heard my phone beep softly telling me I'd received a message, I grabbed it from the night stand and felt the weight lift from my chest.

Happy wedding day my beautiful Princess, I can't wait to see you walking down that aisle. Breathe baby, just breathe, remember that I love you, forever and always.

I quickly wrote back a message telling him how excited I was for the day and how much I loved him before I jumped into the shower, I needed to be ready for when my bridesmaids arrived in an hour, plus the hair and make up ladies.

We should have eloped, it would have been less stressful.

By the time I got out of the shower I could hear Tess in the kitchen, she had taken it upon herself to cook a big breakfast, knowing that we may not get a chance to eat again until after the ceremony.

"Happy wedding day" She greeted me, throwing her arms around me and squealing in my ear, she reaches over and grabs a coffee from the bench, handing it to me, "I called the florist last night to confirm that the bouquets will be delivered at 1pm, Steph is bringing your dress as well as the bridesmaids dresses over at 10, the photographer is due to arrive at 11. Am I forgetting anything?"

Oh thank fuck for Tess, she had everything under control.

"Just tell Brian to make sure Angus is at the Myshuno Meadows" I said to her, my anxiety would subside once I saw Angus at the end of the aisle.

Tess pulls out her phone and shows me the message Angus had sent her only a half hour ago.

Please assure my girl that I will be there, keep her calm, I know she will be a ball of nerves.

I smiled widely reading his words.

The morning progressed as if it were a blur, I can remember getting my hair styled and my make up done, I remember Steph helping me into the dress that she had beautifully created for me and having our pictures taken but it felt like I was on auto pilot, I had zoned out from most of the conversation around me, only occasionally picking up bits and pieces when one of the girls were excited, usually Cassie and I was aware that Tess would check up on me, offering me food and something to drink.

The limo arrived just after 2, making a stop along the way to pick up Don, who took his seat next to me and held my hand.

"I'm so proud of you Zoey" He whispered to me, "I was a bundle of nerves the day I married your Mum, I was scared that you and your sister would hate me and think I was taking Ruthie away from you but instead you two welcomed me and made me feel like I'd always belonged"

Don't cry Zoey, shit, don't cry.

"We love you Don, you've been the best father to us and I'm so happy I get to share my day with you" I can feel the tears pin pricking my eyes but they don't fall, thank goodness.

We arrived at Myshuno Meadows a little after 3, after circling the city a few times to make sure we were not early. There was no one standing out the front but Don had confirmation that all guests were seated.

We lined up in order, with Cassie in front, followed by Tess and Don and I last and made our way to where the alter was. I didn't think it was possible to feel any more nervous than I had that morning but now the butterflies in my stomach had morphed into dragons with their giant wings flapping and hot fire breath.

I heard the wedding march begin to play as we stood at the end of the aisle, all eyes pinned to us but my eyes were only set on one person, my Angus. The crowd stood and we began our slow walk, flashes of lights from cameras going off as I passed by guests, happy, smiling faces, whispers of congratulations and then Don and I finally reached the end of the aisle, where both he and Mum hugged me tightly, tears spilling from my mothers beautifully made-up face, she looked stunning. They stepped aside to allow Liam to come forward and hug me then all three of them took their seats together in the front row.

I'm so grateful I found my father, Liam and over the past few weeks we had been catching up and getting to know one another, Tess had also started going us too. She and Liam are a lot alike, same sense of bold humour.

I take my spot next to Angus, he looks absolutely handsome in his suit with his hair styled. He leans over and kisses my cheek softly and whispers for just us to hear.

"You look gorgeous my Princess"

"So do you" I smile back at him and just like that all my nerves wash away as the ceremony begins.

"The couple has elected to say their own vows today, to reflect on the love that they have for one another" The minister tells our guest before giving me a nod. I hand my bouquet to Tess before locking my eyes with Angus'

"I never thought that my pushy sister would lead me to finding the love of my life but I am so grateful that I gave into her that day back in May and that I entered your gym. People search their whole lives trying to find what we have, you're my soul mate Angus Theodore Mckenzie, you're the person I want to wake up to every morning, fall asleep next to every night and create memories with that will stay with us. I love you, forever and always."

I hear our guests clap and cheer as I place the ring on Angus' finger and I catch a tear rolling down his cheek.

"My beautiful Princess, Zoey Amelia Green, I knew I wanted to marry you after our first date because you are the sweetest, most generous person I've ever met. From the moment that I met you and every moment after you have just brought so much happiness into my life and I'm so proud that from today you will forever and always be my Queen"

He slides my wedding ring on my finger and the minister pronounces us Husband and Wife, telling Angus that he can now kiss the bride. Angus cups my face with his hand as he leans down to me and kisses me soft and slow on the lips followed by a small kiss to my forehead, he then takes my hand and we make our way back down the aisle together.

"I love you Zoey McKenzie" Angus says to me as we climb back into the limbo to go have our wedding photos taken and I can't wipe the smile from my face.

#the sims #the sims 4 #ts4 #simblr #simblog #taylor swift #San Myshuno #sims 4 San myshuno #sims 4 brindleton bay #Sims4 gameplay #sims4story #sims 4 screenshots #sims 4 wedding #sims 4 love

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emma-finds-happiness · 5 years

Text

It's been a shit of a week.

Monday started off with buying a trigger food (a large bar of chocolate), and I ate it, all of it within 24 hours. I went to an OA meeting and actually shared. It was short, but with time I will get used to sharing. Then I came home and made dinner. I forget what I had though.

Tuesday I went to tafe (college) at the right time (9am) so I managed to get up at 8:30. I skipped breakfast but we have morning break at 10:30 which gives me a chance to have Yogurt for breakfast. I finished all I had to do by lunch time. I had lunch at tafe then left when we came back. Even though I ate my lunch, my bf wanted hungry Jack's and my willpower didn't work so I got something too. I cleaned the kitty litter then I had ukulele night with my dad. We had dinner. I came home at 9:30, had my medication and got into bed.

Wednesday, the night before my bf discovered that I needed new tyres so he took the car that morning, I had to go to get my hair cut. I caught a bus by myself for the first time. Then a train. I bought a trigger food (mcdonald's) then got my hair cut. I caught a train and then another bus back home. When I got home, I could drive my car so I went to see my mum. Took her to run errands (as her car isn't working right now) I was so tired, I needed a nap. That night me and my bf were meant to go to a quiz night but mutually wanted to stay home. So he gamed while I watched Netflix.

Thursday I was meant to have tafe but I didn't go. I just couldn't get up. My alarm rang and I just couldn't get up. I slept until 12pm then went to see my mum. Stayed there till about 4 then came home. Had my bfs soccer that night. He was last to play. It was a really good game. They lost, but due to weight (it's for weightloss and they get points for losing weight) so they drawled 3-3. We went shopping afterwards and bought stuff to make tacos. It was a late night. I think I got in bed at 10pm.

Friday, I had tafe again but couldn't get up. I woke with a bad headache (at least that's what I told my bf) I slept in till about 12pm. Then I did some tafe work on my computer. Went to the shop. My bf and I went out for dinner as it was valentines day. It was nice. Expensive. The place was very busy. My bf bought me chocolate and a bunch of seed packets for flowers to put in the garden. I feel a little underwhelmed by what he wrote in the card... But maybe that is just me being paranoid.

Saturday. I was meant to go to an OA meeting this morning. I woke up and just couldn't get myself out of bed. I was supposed to meet a lady at her house to get a ride to the meeting but I sent her a text when I woke saying I wasn't feeling well. I regret not going to the meeting now. We would have gone for coffee after wards and socialising is always good. It was nice last week. I guess I needed to rest. I got up about 1pm and had a shower. I took my medication and that allowed me to do so much. I cleaned the bedroom floor and vaccumed, I changed the sheets and washed them, I did a load of clothes washing, I swept in the kitchen (I plan to sweep and mop the entire house tomorrow) I cleaned off the kitchen benches and wiped them down. I cleaned out my fish tank and did a water change. Plus added new plants so now it looks pretty. I made dinner and I did all the dishes. So I had a productive day. I plan to finish cleaning the rest of the house tomorrow and Monday, as on Tuesday I get my implanon removed and a new one inserted, so I won't be able to do much the following days.

I will report back about how I managed to get on tomorrow. If you read all this, thanks! I just needed somewhere to vent.

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ouran-imagines · 7 years

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here’s part 2!! i hope u all enjoy this~ link to part 1!

Part 2:

Kaoru: Kaoru grinned as the song playing through his earphones ended. Man, that was such a good album. RADWIMPS really do have some nice tracks. Their soundtrack made the movie ‘Your Name’ shine even brighter. His eyes glossed over the time icon in his laptop, and his eyes widened. Had he been really just surfing the net about that movie for almost five hours? He snickered to himself. It wasn’t exactly a waste if you had been subject to good film and music. He stretched his arms, and rolled on his bed. He had been lying around at its foot. Kaoru then looked to his right, where you were seated comfortably, back against the headboard with a pillow to cushion the hard wood. Your laptop was placed on a wooden foldable desk, and your eyebrows were scrunched together as you figured out the work you were tasked to finish.

You’d been studying since the moment he pressed play on the movie, which meant you had been burrowed in work for hours now. Kaoru crawled up to you, and sat beside you. He poked your cheeks.

“[Name]~” He cutely called your name. “Yes?” You replied. “You’ve been studying for a long time now~” He answered. “And?” Kaoru sighed. “That’s not a good thing, you know.” “But I’m not yet finished”, you said as you kept on typing. Your stubbornness was one of the qualities he loved about you, but it was also one of your weaknesses. “If this keeps going, you’re gonna get sick.” “I don’t really care, Kaoru.”

Okay, that was it, Kaoru decided. He gently swatted your hands away, and closed your laptop. “You are stopping now, and you will continue tomorrow, okay?” He stated firmly. “But--” “No buts!” “Kaoru, I’m not yet done!” He squinted his eyes. “If you don’t stop, you get no cuddles from me for a week.”

You stilled and pouted. “...Whyyy?” Kaoru’s eyes widened at your expression. “A-aah! Okay, no cuddles for three days.” “That’s too long!” “Okay, fine. No cuddles for a day!”

You giggled. He was really cute when he couldn’t resist your charm. But you realized all he really wanted was for you to get some proper rest. “Alright, baby. I’ll stop now.” Kaoru sighed in relief.

“Yeay! Let’s go watch this movie instead, [Name]-chan! It has a really good plot and boy, the songs are amazing!”

(putting the rest under a read-more because i got carried away oh my ;;)

Mori: Mori opened the door to his bedroom, a bit sweaty after kendo practice. He was surprised at the sight before him. He was sure he spent at least six hours in the dojo, but the scene before he left his room was the same now. You were still at his desk, and you were still very much scribbling down practice problems for math. He sighed in worry. You could really go on and on if no one stopped you.

He decided on his plan, and entered his bathroom. After a minutes, he joined you in the bedroom. He walked up to you, and rested his head on top of yours. “[Name]. Are you still studying?” He asked. You playfully bumped your head up to hit his chin. “Of course I am, you tree. Can’t you see?” You pouted, and gestured to the dozens of scratch sheets you wrote on. “I hate math.” You grumbled.

Mori smiled to himself. He loved how hardworking you were, and he knew that every thing you accomplished was a result of your efforts. But sometimes, you didn’t know when to stop, and you often got yourself sick just so you could meet the high expectations thought of you.

Your boyfriend ruffled your hair. “It’s time to stop now, [Name]. Let’s get some rest.” “Nooooo, Takashi. I still want to study.” “You want to, but your body can’t. Now come on.” He grabbed your hands. But you quickly pulled away. He looked at you, eyebrows scrunched together and lips pursed in a pout. “Please?” “Hm. Fine.”

You were surprised at how easily he gave up (hurt even, but that was just your pettiness talking). “Okay.” You silently muttered. “Just so you know, I ran us a hot bubble bath, but you insist on studying, so I’ll be taking it with just myself.” He said, slowly walking to the bathroom door.

You stilled. You loved bubble baths to death. You turned to your boyfriend. “Did you use the--” “Yeah, I used the lavender bomb.”

Mori chuckled internally at how your eyes showed your inner conflict. He walked to you once again. “Come on, baby. Candles, violin in the background, a hot soothing bath, and most of all, me doing this.” He then bent down, and placed light kisses on your cheeks. Then he travelled down to your neck, and to that sensitive area you loved.

You hated how weak you were for your boyfriend. “Eugh, let’s go. I hate you, Takashi.” You got up, and quickly followed him to the bathroom. Mori chuckled, this time, out loud. “No, you love me.”

Hani: Hani woke up with a jolt. He hadn’t even realized he had fallen asleep. All he knew was that he got sleepy after eating all those cakes, and the thought of his soft, fluffy comforters were too tempting. Plus, you were seated on the bed anyway, and he could watch you get to work.

Speaking of work, he looked at the bunny clock on his bedside table. Holy, was it really 9PM? He remembered finishing the cakes at around 4PM, which meant he slept for about five or six hours. He rubbed his eyes, which then rest on the sight of you.

You were still typing away on your laptop, eyes a bit squinted. Hani guessed it must be from the light straining your vision. He frowned. You’d been working since he was eating, and maths suggest you had been working for almost seven hours now. That was as long as a good night’s sleep. He silently grunted in frustration and worry.

He sat up beside you, and caressed your hair. “[Name]...” He uttered. You smiled at the intimate contact. “Why, good morning, my dear boyfriend.” You teased, but your eyes didn’t leave the laptop still. Hani looked at your hands, and he noticed they had been slightly shaking. Worry immediately flooded his heart. “[Name], let’s go rest now..” Hani leaned his head on your shoulder. “I’m really worried for you..” His voice showed his feelings, and you were caught off-guard.

You looked at him. “But I’m not yet done, Mitsukuni..” You softly replied. “I don’t want you to get sick. Please.” He stared straight back.

You two locked eyes for a minute. “Okay.. I’ll stop. Let’s go to sleep.” You smiled at him. Hani immediately cheered up. “Yeay~” He took your hands on his own, and started massaging your palms. It was then you realized that you had been shaking, and you had been taking a lot of physical pressure for working all that time.

You were in pain, and Hani realized it first. You thanked the heavens you had a boyfriend who loved you so much.

Haruhi: “Yes, that’s correct.” Haruhi grinned at you, holding up the flashcard you two prepared earlier. “Yes!” You exclaimed in joy. You two were asking each other questions about the major exams coming up. Haruhi sighed in both relief and exhaustion, leaning back on her chair.

“That’s all of it, I think..” She browsed through the flashcards. “Do you want to go out to eat dinner, or should I make something?” She asked you. In reply, you shook your head. “You go ahead and eat, I’ll go through these again.” You took all the cards and notes, and began asking yourself.

Haruhi furrowed her eyebrows. She remembered you two started studying at 1PM, and it was now time for dinner. “[Name]... we should eat.” She gently chided.

“I know, I know~” You flashed your girlfriend a smile, before quickly going back to your work. “I’ll eat too, don’t worry.” Haruhi frowned a little, because she knew you well, and you were not going to rest until way past midnight. You were way too hardworking sometimes.

She sighed, and sat down on the chair beside you. “[Name].. Let’s not push ourselves further.” She took your hand. “Overworking our bodies will only make us sick, and how will you be able to function properly the next day? I want you to take care of yourself.”

You stilled, and took in the weight of her words. You grunted, and let your head rest on the table. “Aaaaaa~ Why did I get such a smart girlfriend? How can I win in arguments now?” You complained.

You opened your eyes, and stared at Haruhi. You gave her a smile, and tightened the hold you had on her hand. “Thank you..”

Haruhi grinned back at you. “Of course. I’m the one who knocks back reason into your head, after all.” She stood up, and started making her way into the kitchen.

“Oy! Are you telling me I’m not a naturally reasonable person?”

Haruhi looked back at you, and smirked. “Perhaps?”

“Why-!” You followed her into the kitchen.

#ohshc #ouran high school host club #ouran imagine #hitachiin kaoru #kaoru #morinozuka takashi #mori #haninozuka mitsukuni #hani #fujioka haruhi #suzumiya haruhi no yuuutsu

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sarahunfiltered-blog1 · 6 years

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July Reflections/August Intentions

Hiiiiiiiii. HOW IS IT AUGUST?!

July was a really family filled and fun month for me. I have zerrrro complaints outside of me hitting a pretty hard wall this past weekend. However, I now know that when I start to hit these kinds of wall I just need to be hermit for a bit and spend some time alone. Old Sarah would have numbed out with retail therapy, alcohol and sugar, but it’s just not my thing anymore. As of yesterday (8/1) I took a half day at work to where I didn’t go into work until 1pm. I know, I know. WHY TF would I not to request to leave at at noon? Well, here’s the thing. I like my quiet time in the mornings and that’s all I wanted, SO I went ahead and took half days for the remainder of the week, so I can have some solo me time for a few hours and then just go to work for 4 hours. Yesterday was sooo nice. I slept ‘til around 7:30, then got up and made my coffee, wrote out my intentions for the new month, went and got waxed, did some yoga, then went to work. I’m really excited to see what I end up doing the next few days. I maayyyyy go for a hike, to a coffee shop, who knows. I am just going to go wherever the wind takes me and enjoy every second of it. I’ve really learned this year that time alone is CRUCIAL for me. It only makes me a better Sarah when I can have some solo time.

EXCITING SIDE NOTE #1: I have a new niece!! Meet Madilynn Rayne McNab.

EXCITING SIDE NOTE #2: Michael and I celebrated being married 1 year. <3

Annnywayssss. Movin’ on.

I’ve been keeping my intentions pretty short and sweet the last few months and it just seems to work better for me.

Nooooow to reflect. :)

Lots of sunshine - dooonnneee. I got so much sun on the 4th that half of my legs are darker than the other half. ---_______---

Read Harry Potter - done and still reading! I’m almost done with the 2nd book. :)

Continue working on sticking handstand - done. This is a work in progress every day. However, I am able to stick one for about 15 seconds!

Work up to 10 pulls up - I’m able to do 5!!

Take Lucy on more adventures. <3 - DONE. Booboo and I went on SOOO many adventures this past month and it was so much FUN.

Keep spending to a minimum - done. I’ve been really well with this overall.

Find a new balance with spiritual practice - I really feel I’ve found a balance with this finally. My 5 a.m. mornings aren’t for me right now and I’ve accepted that it’s ok and it doesn’t make me any less spiritual. I still take time for myself either before work, on my lunch breaks or any other time I’m able to.

Spend one night doing a cleansing ritual (bath, face mask, smudge, release writing, etc.) - I did this more than once. :) Not the bath part, but everything else I made a thing this past month.

July Oracle Cards -

I started doing this thing where I’ll ask for insight on the new month and what I need to keep on my radar and looking back lasts month reading really played out throughout the entire month. I asked what I needed to focus on for July, what I needed to do, how I needed to do it, what others are mirroring back to me on it and the outcome if I put in the work and this is what I pulled...

July - 26.) Healing in the dark

What - 24.) Heart and soul lead & 9.) Speak up

How - 42.) The curiosity key

What are others mirroring back to me - 27.) The light inside

Outcome - 34.) Fierce feminine

It was very clear to me what this means. Last month I finally took the plunge and started to really learn about Human Design. It’s been following me for well over a year at this point, but I didn’t feel smart or capable enough to learn the system nor worthy enough to think ME of all people could learn and then in turn share my knowledge with others. Something I really struggle with is my self worth. I always have, but I also know that it’s something I need to work through and face my shadows on, so it doesn’t hinder me any longer. So the healing in the dark card was letting me I needed to heal that part of me that doesn’t feel worthy of a life outside of a 8-5 job and feeling like I can’t make a career out of what I’m passionate about because it’s just not true, and what I needed to do to heal this part of me was let my heart and soul lead and speak up about my passion and what I’m into and how I’d do that is to stay curious and follow the cookie crumbs which time and time again I kept going back to Human Design. It’s like it’s been following me and tapping me on the shoulder, so I when I finally turned around and let my curiosity take me where it has I ended up doing 40 Human Design charts in a 3 week period. FORTY. I started talking about it with friends, family, IG stories and just sharing what I was learning and I had friends asking me for more info on it, people DM me asking for me to do their charts for them, I have friends now doing charts for people in their lives, the list goes on. It’s been AMAZING and so fun and Human Design just clicks for me, and that goes to the next card about what others are mirroring back to me; the light inside. If others are mirroring my light back to me that means I’m doing exactly what I feel called to do by being a light to others. I really feel like I am here to not only be a light, but to give people the tools to better understand themselves and help them along their path when they may feel lost, scattered or whatever it may be. I want to be the person to offer them insight on their HD chart, numerology, maybe do an oracle reading for them or just be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on or someone to suggest a good crystals to use or help them cleanse their home from all the juju. When I have someone text me asking for an oracle reading or what I use to smudge or asking about something HD related everything in me just lights tf UP. Now for the outcome card it was on the fierce feminine which really does tie all this together. Part of the booklet on this card reads “One definition of fierce is, “showing heartfelt and powerful intensity.” While women have made many strides in culture and society, on a regular basis we still face oppression by tacit patriarchal agreements. One of which is the preference for women to be in constant pursuit of self-esteem, but very careful about expressing it once they acquire it. Another is that sure, it’s okay for us to strong and powerful, but not so strong and powerful that it makes other people uncomfortable. Other peoples discomfort with your power, your heart, and your full out femininity, is not your problem. Becoming comfortable with all of if yourself, and learning how to express it authentically, is however, your responsibility. What is your relationship to being fierce? Seeing fierceness through a positive, expansive, useful lens, how and where do you need to embrace it and apply it in your life right now?” When I read this card I knew it’d be a month of inner work and tapping into my inner fierceness and I really feel I have and am still working through my fears around being fierce and following my heart and facing my shadows and letting my heart and soul lead, but at least I’m doing it. It may not being an overnight thing, but at least I’m willing to do it.

For this month I’m really diving even further into Human Design (I plan to write a blog post or 2 on this topic and why it’s such a thing for me), being more conscious about my yoga practice and reading Harry Potter for fun. I have the itch to purge my home and I have a fun girls trip planned with my best friend. I’m also going to be doing a workshop that I’m really looking forward to that is all on shadow work.

That is all I have for now. :)

Until next time...

Sarah, xo

#sarahunfiltered #newblog #intentionsetting #newmonth #humandesign #oraclereading

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tlnhii · 3 years

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The day we lost it

Before we would meet again after seven years, I was wondering how his weekend shall went. I was thinking about two situations:

I. this new memoire we are going to share with each other again this weekend, is going to make me fall in love all over again. I was pretty excited to feel that way again what I had for you and just only you, back in the days

II. While I was thinking about the 1st situation, I realized that that the sparks I had, has lost for seven years already. But I got the excitement still, because it’s going to be the present time we are together. the present we are going to enioy each other. a fun time in Bruxelles whether we are going to enjoy it as perminant lovers or as good friends.

The first evening was very lovely. We both arrived late 5 to the city. I went to receive the keys of the apartment first. After half an hour while i was calling my best friend telling her how nervous I was feeling after a long time, you messaged me you arrived. The nervous I was talking about reminded me the same nervous I had in Birmingham. That nervous I had at the moment that we have not say Hi to each other for four days while we passed each other every time in the hallway. I became conscious about this feeling and I am pretty happy I may have feel this way for a person. You should be flattered.

It was so corny how we spend the first evening, going to the grocery store to buy some dinner food. Cooking dinner for you in this cozy modern apartment with this nice idea of having a simple (couple) life. watching 2 or 3 netflix movies (well, I just watched one, the other one I fell asleep lol)

I slept very well that night. It was lovely to lay in your arms, but in some way I knew you were not the one who could filled the emptiness I have for a long time in my soul but for the temporary, I enjoyed the warmth of you. Somehow I got an allergy that I had to sneeze all night and I didn’t know it bothered you that much that you couldn’t sleep. I figured it out the next day when you just sleep the whole Sunday afternoon

I had a plan that we are going to enjoy Bruxelles that Sunday. it was the only day that we got time to see how the city is like and the plan was to explore it TOGETHER.

You didn’t wake up till 1PM while I got showered and all dressed up to go out. I just let you sleeping until that time i was thinking like... you have to wake up now, I woke you up and you were like “ okay wait... give me a minute I’ll come “ I was peaceful and did my thing in the living room, waiting with the expectation you’ll get ready and we both go out. unfortunately you came out the room still in your pajamas. my thoughts was like... oh... you just not ready okay...

we ate that cheesy fish sticks as breakfast-ish and without any thoughts (I lie, i was disappointed) we agreed to meet late afternoon.

So there it was.... Exploring town all by myself again. ( the again is because I’ve experienced this before, it doesn’t sucks because u know, Me myself and I are enjoying each other company veryyy well but It sucks because you didn’t even offer yourself to just get up and spend an afternoon with me) I got fascinated by the sneaker store around the corner of the apartment. I couldn’t choose between the Nike Zoom and Nike M2K Tekno and It’s funny... -- The fantasy would be fun like I was excited to FaceTime you and ask for your opinion. Instead I snapchatted my friends and all the choosing was 50/50 well, Happy me I bought both of the sneakers.

October 10th 2019

Well well, Here is me again reading this old note I wrote somewhere in June... So.. Time passed by pretty quick right? Have you enjoyed your time these four months? I just opened my laptop and I got a notice it is your birthday tomorrow huh... (well it is already now i’m writing this) thinking back... That weekend we had was pretty... wonderful if I may be honest. I got inspired by how that weekend got me so thoughtful... I hope you are doing fine, Happy Birthday.

Thinking back i was feeling like to write this story... this interesting story got me so deep that i still wonder we didn’t talk and had that Sunday together.. It was a (toeval) that you were walking through the stresst 1/2 or 1 hour before I walked by

But because you left me letter i was really feeling writing too,,, Really I hope you are doing fine. this is part I of our story...

lets write part II

- lopen naar het plein.... door een park en ik nam mijn eerste cappuccino op een prachtige kruising in Brussel

- ik kreeg een snao van je dat je je nepresso coffee van ons airbnb nam,,, Het zou leuker zijn geweest als je met mij mee was en lekker de stad in ging.

het begon te regenenenm aar ik ontmoet je bij .... vanaf naar liepen we verder... pakte de verkeerde tram... en hadden we nog stuk of 2/3 km gelopen naar Atomium. We zaten op de bank en toen begon je mij te vertellen dat je brieven naar mij schreef... brieven die je nooit hebt verstuurd... brieven de jij in het prullenbak heb gegooid.

- delen visie

- kreegvriendin verwaarloos mij

- uber rit

- niet gesproken

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brianjameson · 5 years

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Sunday: The last full day

I woke up to Janusz calling me at 9:30am… Before we parted ways the night before he specifically told me that he would be calling me at 9:30am to wake me up so we could go to the black sand beach where Season 7 of Game of Thrones ended. He told me he knew how to get there and wanted to also take me to a waterfall that was on the way. I didn’t believe he was telling me the truth about 9am, but he was! I slept through all 5 million phone calls because of how fucked up I got the night before and didn’t wake up until about noon.

He came over and we ended up heading out around 1:30pm.

The entire time I was in Iceland the weather was being so finicky. It was either raining, snowing, hella fucking windy (to where people were getting hit with shit from the street) or just cloudy. I didn’t mind at all but this last day was the clearest I had seen it. Janusz was even saying it was amazing how clear the roads were when we were driving and how they don’t get clear weather like that normally. I couldn’t believe it either. When I had taken my tours the roads were a fucking mess. There was snow everywhere and I was just thinking to myself there was no way I was driving BY MYSELF IN THE COUNTRY, with those roads the way they looked. But Sunday there was no snow anywhere in sight on the roads.

The beach was about 2 1/2 hours away from Reykjavik so a trip from Vegas to Zion Utah. We stopped by a convenient store to get some snacks and we were on our way!

One thing I noticed Janusz doing was taking photos of everything. I was paying attention to how careful he was being with making sure he took a lot of good shots and he would occasionally take photos of me. It made me smile because Nick knew how much I loved having my photo taken or I’d shout at him when we were driving to take a photo of the mountains if we were up in Red Rock lol. I felt like it was another guided message from him and the universe. For meeting a stranger and him taking photos of everything, was a pretty rare thing. The similarity brought me comfort and I was grateful for all his help creating memories.

I couldn’t believe everything I was seeing when I was driving. I mean fuck, this country was absolutely incredible. We would be driving through the mountains and all of a sudden you’re now next to the ocean and then driving through mountains again. I saw so many Icelandic horses on the drive. I saw a giant Volcano that was covered by a glacier. Janusz was giving me one giant history lesson about the volcanos.

Our first stop was the Seljalandsfoss waterfall

My friend Rae let me borrow her amazing raincoat for the trip since my dumbass forgot to take one. Let me just tell you guys that a raincoat by the waterfalls is an ABSOLUTE MUST. The closer you get the wetter you get!

He took me to this other waterfall that was inside a cave and MADE ME TAKE MY SHOES AND SOCKS OFF TO GET INSIDE! The water was about ankle deep and my feet were FREEZING. I could barely walk in it. People were looking at us like we were crazy lol. But that waterfall was absolutely breath taking. There was a giant boulder that people were taking photos on and the minute we got in is when everyone started to leave the cave so Janusz was taking a ton of photos of me on it lol. My hair was DRENCHED since I was so close to the waterfall.

We hung out for a good 1 1/2 and then headed to the beach that was about 40 min away from where we were. We had to be quick because the sun was starting to set and we wouldn’t be able to see much after that.

We arrived to Reynisfjara black sand beach

We got there and when you start to approach the beach you go up these steps that lead you to the water and the waves are sooooo close to the shore to where you find yourself struggling to take a selfie because you’re running from the waves rolling in. It definitely wasn’t Santa Monica lol.

Janusz took dozens of photos of me there and then I told him I needed a moment to myself to just kind of say some goodbyes to Nick and just talk to him. So I walked away to a spot where No one could really see me and I just talked to him and told him a poem I had recently heard on the way to Iceland from the movie ‘The Shape of Water’.

“Unable to perceive the shape of you, I find you all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with your love. It humbles my heart, for you are everywhere.”

As I stood there watching the waves crash, I could feel the amount of power and energy that beach held..

I had a necklace that was a heart and a moon that said ‘I love you’ on the heart and ‘to heaven and back’ on the moon. The heart is where Nicks ashes were kept and I felt compelled to scatter them but then I thought it over and the only words I kept hearing in my head were “release me, let it go, throw it out” and so instead of scattering his ashes I unscrewed the heart from my necklace and held it tight and made a wish of love and hope.

So with all my emotions and tears I threw it as hard as I possibly could when I saw the next big wave..

To me it was another step closer to getting closure and making my wish come true. I could feel every emotion in me and realized why this beach specifically was calling to me. All I did my entire trip was follow the signs when they presented themselves and this was the biggest one as I’ll reveal later in this post.

I walked back to where Janusz was and we took a few more photos before heading back to the car. It was dark and we had such a long drive ahead of us. On the drive back to the city we could see the northern lights vaguely appearing above us. It was true magic being able to just drive through the country witnessing such beauty.

We got back into town around 9pm and went to the store. Janusz studied culinary for 5 years so ya boy KNOWS HOW TO COOK. I hopped in the shower and he started to cook. He made me fish with mashed potatoes, a mushroom sauce and some noodles. It was DELICIOUS but so much food that I couldn’t eat all of it lol.

It was about midnight now and he had work the next day so we wrapped up dinner and said our goodbyes.

I was so thankful for him and for the universe putting him in my path because he made the trip so exciting for me and was someone who really knew Iceland and told me so much of the history and showed me around the country. Not many strangers are willing to do this and till this day I’m still grateful for him and the memories that were created because they’re definitely going to last a lifetime.

I laid on the couch for a bit and just really took in my trip. One of my best friends Tiara bought me a divinity tea reading gift.

The way it works: You pour hot water water into your tea cup with leaves and swirl it around. You place your hand over the cup and put your energy into it. You then drain the water out and leave the cup flipped over on a paper towel to drain the rest of the water and then you flip the cup up to see what formed and depending on what forms, is your message.

I feel like mine looked like an anchor and this is the meaning for it.

Anchor

This ancient tea leaf symbol suggests that you need to take a restful holiday by water.

There have been many times you have been challenged by others. It may be a time when confusion and stress is likely to undermine the health of yourself and people close to you. If you see the anchor on its own in your teacup, it indicates that you have many friends and acquaintances and you sometimes never know who they truly are. As the anchor goes down to the seabed indicates that you are going to listen to your deep unconscious inner self.

The anchor is an emblem of hope and promises rest and contentment after a tumultuous episode. It may indicate that a heartfelt wish will come true. Near the rim, the anchor symbolises true friends and a faithful lover.

This message was bizarre to me considering the fact I made a wish at the beach and considering the fact I am going through a hard time in life so I’m curious what manifests from this message in the future.

I finished up soaking in the last night being in my air bnb and packed my things for tomorrow morning.

Monday: Going home

I woke up at 11am and made myself one last breakfast at my air bnb.

I packed up the rest of my things and loaded up the car. Checkout was at 1pm and it was now 12:30pm

After I was done eating and the car was all packed up, I sat down for a moment..

I looked around at where I got to stay and just thought of everything I got to do.. I felt so much gratitude and and wrote a thank you card to my Air bnb host. It was a couple, so I left them 2 Oribe sample packets along with 2 Charlie Brown Valentine’s Day cards as a thank you for letting me stay in their beautiful home. Afterwards I felt compelled to write a sorry letter to Nick so I could get a little more closure from the situation.

I started crying and realized that everything I was saying sorry for was everything I truly did feel bad for doing in our relationship. I never did anything out of spite or malicious intent just to be clear. We sometimes got into heated arguments like every couple does, but when someone you love passes away, all of those things you said, haunt you. So I wrote down everything I possibly felt in my heart I was sorry about and kept the piece of paper with me. Hopefully in 10 years I’ll open it up and see what I wrote and see how far I’ve come from the situation.

I grabbed my backpack checked out of my place and went to go walk around the city a little longer until it was time to leave. I had 2 hours to spare since my flight wasn’t leaving until 5:30pm. I realized my gloves that my friend gave me were wet still from the water fall! I was like fuck now I need to go buy gloves otherwise I’m going to be cold. I went searching for gloves and all I could find were Icelandic wool gloves…. I DON’T NEED THAT SHIT! I LIVE IN VEGAS FFS. I knew for a fact I wouldn’t wear them again and was not going to spend $50 on wool gloves for that reason lol. Plus I had already spent a fortune on the Icelandic sweaters I bought since I bought 3! So I gave up and went to the church since it’s a huge tourist attraction in Reykjavik. There’s an elevator that takes you all the way to the top of the church to overlook the city and so I walked into the church and the first words that left my mom were “HOLY SHIT” when I saw the massive line at the elevator to take everyone up! I was like GOD FORGIVE ME FOR JUST SAYING THOSE WORDS I DIDN’T MEAN IT! I couldn’t even believe myself saying that right as I walked in and not even exaggerating but EVERYONE in that line turned to look at me. I thought I was going to pass out.

I didn’t stay very long. I felt a little uncomfortable with people sitting down staring at others and at me and to be honest the energy felt a lot like being in a museum. It didn’t feel like mass had just got out, it felt like people just coming to a church to look and leave. I was kind of shocked by that so I left.

I went to the beach where I was staying at since I had not been to it yet. As I was walking there I was thinking of how blessed I was to be able to go on this trip. To see everything I did and to see how others live. I still didn’t have gloves but for some reason I didn’t care. Even though it was cold I didn’t feel that cold.

So I kept walking until I reached the beach and went to see the Solfar Sun Voyager.

Here’s the description:

Solfar Sun is described as a dreamboat, or an ode to the Sun. The artist intended it to convey the promise of undiscovered territory, a dream of hope, progress and freedom.

I took photos of it and then I was really bored at this point and decided to just head to the airport 3 hours earlier. I got in my car and realized my body was pretty cold but I noticed I was putting all of my emotions and pain into how cold I was and not even realizing it. I was obviously on this trip carrying a lot of pain and depression but 1 thing I didn’t realize is that I wasn’t cold the entire time on my tours or anywhere because I was putting all of my emotions into the cold and when it was time to go indoors and thaw out, the pain would leave and get easier. It was a repeated process that worked as therapy and it actually helped. I know it sounds a little out there and a little over the top but it’s true. The minute that I sat in my car I had this entire realization of what I was doing the entire trip. It was a concluded moment where I now realized why I came to Iceland. Why this is where I needed to be to heal because ever since the trip, I have not been the same.

I was driving to the airport and I had no clue where I was going to drop off my rental or how I was going to get to my gate or anything. I had completely forgot that the rental drop off place was a little further away from the airport so I was kind of rushing because I didn’t know how long anything would take.

I rented my car with Hertz and I couldn’t find it so I stopped at some random car rental place on the way and asked for directions to Hertz and they pointed me in the right way. I got there and there was seriously snow up to my ankles and I had to lug all my shit out in it and drag it to the shuttle that was taking me to the airport. It took a good 30 min to get to the airport but that was because we were waiting for more people to get on the shuttle. Once in the airport I decided to eat and that took about another 20 min of my time. I then went to go check my bag and on my way to customs I was asked 5 million questions about where I’ve traveled to and what I was doing in Iceland and what not.

I then had to take a train to my gate which took about 45 min because I got off at the wrong stop. Got back on then had to run to my gate because I had maybe 45 min until my plane was going to take off. I got to my gate right at boarding and had 20 min until my flight left. I was blown away that 3 hours had gone by so fast. While I was in line this girl was just as late as I was getting to the gate and had an attitude from hell. She then proceeded to I think call her boyfriend or friend or whoever the fuck that she went to visit in Iceland and bitched them out for almost missing her plane. She kept looking at people and saying things like “not your business look away” to just about everyone lol. I was cracking up and irritated at the same time because it’s not like she missed her flight she was just the last one to get to the gate like, SHUT UP.

After that it was time for take off and goodbye to Iceland.

I landed in Seattle at about 5:30pm and has about 2 hours to kill. I went to Starbucks and grabbed coffee because I was tired and this time change was going to fuck me up again. I started to board around 7:30pm. As I was standing for everyone to get on the plane I checked to see if I had any notifications on my apple watch. I had 1 notification telling me that I had friends who wanted to photo share with me. It was strange because my watch has never alerted me about photo sharing. So I was thinking it was my girlfriends I went on my Seattle trip with because we had a shared album from the wedding and so I thought they might of asked me to create an album to share so they could see my trip photos but that was not the case.

When I opened my phone to check it out, it was the photo album of the beach where I went to go say my goodbyes and where season 7 of Game of Thrones ended. I checked to see who it was that wanted to photo share and the only 2 people on the list were me and Nick…. Under Nicks name it said ‘Baby’ which was strange because I’ve never saved him as baby in my phone. His name was always Nick or Grizzly Bear in my phone, that was it, NEVER BABY. I was like NO FUCKING WAY…. It could of been any album from my trip.. ANY. I was taking photos up until that last day. Why the beach album? To me that told me that Nick heard me and was telling me that he was there with me. This is just how spiritual this trip was for me. I couldn’t believe the amount of signs I was getting from him the entire time and the connection I felt with the country…

This is the big sign I was talking about earlier in this post. This is the biggest sign I could of received from Nick on my trip.

After all of this happened I looked up and I saw my friend Sonny who I used to kickbox with! She was in Seattle for a girls trip and so we got to talking and when we boarded we magically were in the same row but across in the opposite side! It was like fate was guiding me the entire time. Like this trip was meant to happen. Not to mention I was sitting next to a guy and noticed his socks. He was wearing long dress cocktail socks and so was I! lmao. All the coincidences that happened in a matter of 30 minutes lol.

I landed back in Vegas around midnight and had my mom come and pick me up. I couldn’t wait to go home, take a shower and go to sleep.

And so that concludes my trip to Iceland.

I highly recommend everyone go check the country out. There’s so much magic to it and so much to do and see.

If you’re someone looking for some solitude and looking to self explore and just center yourself with the universe then you are someone who definitely needs to go and see and experience for yourself.

I won’t say that I don’t miss Nick. I won’t say that things are easier, I won’t say I’m moving on. I will say that life has been put more into perspective for me. I understand life in a different light now because of all the signs I received on my trip. I realize that the people you love that have passed are not worlds away but right next to you and whatever energy they have, they’ll send signs with and you just have to keep your eyes open and ear to the ground to watch for them.

I’m still healing and every day is still a struggle. The hardest part of this all is still missing him and missing the things we did together and how much he loved me. Finding love like the kind Nick gave me is such a rare thing but I have hope that there’s still some out there. Regardless, I feel him around still and dream him all the time.

If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with something similar, I hope you know that everything happens for a reason and know that life works out one way or another. Nothing lasts forever and we’re all here on borrowed time. It’s what you do with that time and all the good and happiness you bring to the world that makes life worth living.

Letters from the Arctic pt.5 Sunday: The last full day I woke up to Janusz calling me at 9:30am... Before we parted ways the night before he specifically told me that he would be calling me at 9:30am to wake me up so we could go to the black sand beach where Season 7 of Game of Thrones ended.

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becoming-cameron · 7 years

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May 3rd 2017

Today when I got home from work I called my drs office back and talked with one of the nurses who was able to get me an appointment today at 1pm instead of waiting until next Wednesday so I showered, slept for about 2 hours, and went to my appointment. I wanted to go in and get them to take a look at this small hole between my left testicle and my penis because it started as a painful lump a few days ago then when I had Valerie look at it she squeezed it and a bunch of puss came out so I wanted to make sure everything was okay. I saw a physicians assistant instead of the normal Dr that I see so I was a little nervous about that but he was really nice and seemed like he knew what he was talking about. He asked me a few questions about the surgery and what was going on with the sore then he wanted to take a look at it so I showed him the sore, he took a culture from it to test and see if it is an infection or anything like that (which hurt like a bitch) and then he checked my lymph nodes in that area to make sure they weren't swollen and he said everything looked fine with that and that he thinks the hole is superficial and he isn't too concerned with it right now, he wrote me a script for an antibiotic and made a follow up appointment with me to see him next week. After that I went home and had some lunch, took my antibiotic and waited for Valerie to get home from work. As soon as she got home we cuddled for a little bit and talked about our day until she had to go to her therapy appointment. She left for her appointment and I laid down to take an hour nap until she got back home. She came home and we left to go out to dinner with my mom, aunt, and cousin. We went to a restaurant that I haven't ever been to before and the food was good but a little over priced in my opinion. We sat around and talked for awhile and ate our food and I had a really good time. We left and went back home and laid down together so I could try and sleep some more because I hardly got any sleep and I have to work again but I was just laying there wide awake and I couldn't fall asleep, the only thing that got me to fall asleep was when Valerie laid on my chest and we held each other and I fell asleep after a few minutes. I woke up at my normal time at 11pm, Valerie moved the cars around, I got ready for work, hugged and kissed her goodnight and went on my way. A positive thing about me today is I'm beautiful.

#personal #journal #thoughts #lgbtq

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backintahitiagain · 7 years

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Day 18

Today is the third day in Rangiroa. I did two dives today. I had breakfast with the other guests and then the dive club picked me up at 7:20am along the road. I spoke with the owner as we drove about the island and how it has changed since he moved here 24 years ago. He said they used to not have bridges between some of the storm based passes, and he had to drive his motor bike between waves with just the right timing. The internet and cell phone is very expensive here and it doesn’t work very well. So I guess that means the kids are forced to do outside things. He said that his kids just recently went to California to visit San Francisco. This place is so different than sf haha. Once we got to the club we suited up and got into the boat. They took us out and dropped us off at the opening to the pass. Today we did a drift dive through the pass with the current of the incoming tide. There was a lot of fish, tons of activity. We saw a few sharks and lots of big sized fish. The Ume were cool to see! I remember eating them on previous trips. We also stopped in some holes in the floor where we held on and sat there. Maybe 3 meters away a moray eel was chilling in his hole in the ground, and looked very angry as they usually do. We also saw this fish that looked like a very spiky bat, I forget the name but I wrote it in my dive book. The lead diver had never seen one in person before. It was walking along the floor, which was strange. It looked poisonous. I saw a glimpse of a hammerhead shark too. I used up too much air on the dive and had to borrow about 5 minutes of air from the lead diver. Maybe it was a combo of going to 27meters deep and having too much weight but I seemed to drain the tank quickly. Once the dive ended they took us back to the the center where we hung out until lunch.

I decided to stay at the center and hang out instead of going back to my hotel, it was only about 3 hours before the next dive at 1pm. While we waited I spoke with the other diver who went out, he was a lawyer in Papeete, for 20+ years. He is an independent diver so he goes all the time, without a club. I don’t know if I could ever get to that level, it must take a ton of dives to feel confident to go on your own. He said he likes to go on the island of Moorea often. He said for work, here in French Polynesia you have to be a generalist lawyer and not just one speciality. Work brought him here to Rangiroa so he took advantage of it to get some dives in.

The dive owner told me that he used to drink the rain water here but he doesn’t anymore. Apparently the problem is that the water is safe but if a rat gets inside of your tank you’ll get very sick. He seemed to be speaking from experience when he told me this. No thanks lol. For lunch we walked over to snack Puna. I had poisson cru of course, and fries. It was a cool little restaurant, totally Tahitian style right on the water. The roof above us was made out of woven coconut leaves which looked cool. You can totally see how they use what they have to make things here and they use it until it has no other use. Their plants were hanging from boat bouys that were cut in half. The supports for the structure of the roof were cut trees. After that we went back to the center and suited up to dive again.

The next dive was the same place that I went the day before. The owner of the club was the lead diver, but his wife and two kids also joined us. We saw much of the same thug, but less sharks. We saw dolphins again and also a huge school of barracudas. One of them actually swam up to me before rejoining the school. I wondered if they might bite us since they have crazy teeth. We were a bit further out into the blue this time near the end of the dive. After the dive we went back and got changed before they took me back to the pension. The owners wife drove me back, she has also lived here for 24 years. She said the other village hasn’t changed much but the one that I am in has. More cars, more houses, and double the people that were here 24 years ago. Once back at the hotel I jumped on the internet for a few and then took a shower. I napped for a good two hours because the diving had completely exhausted me. The act of diving isn’t too strenuous but breathing through a tank leaves nitrogen in your blood, and it makes you feel very sleepy until it gets filtered out. After that I woke up and went outside to watch the sunset, chatted with the retiree guy here about Brittany where he is from in France and how they have very good sailors. It sounds like their climate is similar in temperature to California.

For dinner we had spaghetti, fish and tomatoes in a sauce, and a Tahitian style omlet. There wasn’t as many people today at the pension, only 4. We talked for a bit about life here with a lady who is a aviation inspector for all the airports. She has traveled to 60 airports and does dives when she goes. She is on a 4 year contract and will go back to France in July. She was telling me about the I intercontinental airline in France that wants to do a flight from Paris to sf to papette Tahiti. I will be very stoked when they do this. There needs to be more competition to fly here. I think it could be a really good thing for their country and could get a lot more tourists here from the US.

I took another shower, as I was sweating a bit at dinner, it’s so warm here. Then I got in bed and wrote this. I’ve never slept under the sheets here, it’s been so warm. I leave the doors of the bungalow open and all of the windows open as well. It’s been so comfortable. Even if it rains and is windy, I still feel comfortable. I’m extremely tired but I want to make sure I blog about everything as soon as I can, so I don’t forget little details. And now I sleep.

#frenchpolynesia #paradise #travel #workfromhomefromtahiti #hammockhacking

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