#i wrote a bit more on how i feel like envys a fascinating character on her own but

[re-colligere]

Sorry didnt see you said unlikely pairs uhhhhhhh envy and fear

OHH it's all good don't worry! :D I can do any pair, I just thought it'd be fun if people got creative with the pairings hehe

IN the meantime...I've thought about Envy and Fear before, because a bunch of my fanfic ideas take some time to focus on their friendship. With that said, I'm still a little unsure how to write Envy even if she's a fascinating character on her own. Alsoooo it's a little bit hard to tell how they'd interact because canon doesn't give us a lot to work with, but it's really fun to think about KDJFHSJKDFH

I do think Envy looks up to Fear (pun intended), in the way that he's smart and quick-thinking. In turn, I think Fear would really appreciate her words. He'd also be the type to carry Envy around and goof off with her (or at least look after her if she's getting rowdy--she's so small, after all). I think Envy would be a good motivator for Fear to try new things their friends are doing, maybe inspire him to get out of his comfort zone! And Fear's there to be careful and temper that desire if things get a little scary or dangerous, and if Envy's going too far.

If they wind up on the same page, though, I feel like they could make a special brand of insecurity. Envy's constant comparisons with others could really enhance Fear's hold on Riley's self-esteem, and maybe even on his own self-esteem. Because as much as Envy loves pointing out the things she likes about others, she's also just as prone to point out the things she likes that aren't there...would it be such a stretch to say that even she doesn't have great self-esteem herself? She's either a yes-man (trying to impress someone/hopefully get respected) or she can convince someone that her motivations are correct and beneficial (and she usually believes she's doing something good). Fear's a solid voice of reason but again, highlighting his (or Riley's) flaws could really get his gears going a mile a minute. This COULD be a good drive for self-improvement, if they don't make Riley so nervous and feel inadequate she couldn't do anything. Whoopsies.

[domjaehyun]

Miss "Many many thoughts on part 4" here, I came back to share them:

- First off, very soon into Part 4: the Kirko Bangz reference made me smile so hard but also made me feel old a lil because I was like "damn how many people aren't going to get this?" 😭

- The progress from Part 1 through to Part 4 with how y/n feels about Winter: the way it goes from pity and guilt to bitterness and envy, and you did it in such a 'show don't tell' way, very mwah. This is just a me thing but I also believe it's the first infidelity fic I've read where I don't feel too bad for the person getting cheated on because the people involved in the affair are so compelling in their addiction to one another? Since we get y/n's perspective in such a "biased" way, Winter acts as nothing more than a barrier between her and Haechan and the fact she's portrayed as so gullible, passive and "too nice" as Haechan put it, makes me feel the same annimosity towards her as y/n, almost. Somehow I'm more scared of Jeno finding out about their ordeal because y/n's perspective "humanises" Jeno more because he's not an "enemy" like Winter is and it's just, yeah, very good Miss Jewel 😌

- The contrast between the smut scenes with Jeno and Haechan is so good? The way you wrote Jeno's really felt like a petty/just-sex hookup compared to the desperation and devotion in the Haechan scene(s).

- Speaking of the Haechan smut... the scene at the end...... woah. Probably some of the best smut I've read? It felt so heated and just... hot, desperate, emotionally-driven (both good and bad emotions), everything. Also, very original? I don't think I've ever read a y/n be so caught up in it that she just forgets how to kiss back, that was very new and very hot and very REALLL.

Not really Part 4 thoughts but overall other series thoughts/praises:

- Sommelier is such a unique and cool job choice?

- I love how you integrate the song lyrics into the fic, it immediately makes me want to listen to the song. I played break up with your girlfriend all morning because of Part 4 actually 🤭

- Love how goofy and silly Seulgi's character is

- The way you write dialogue is really good and the way you describe the surroundings and the way people emote around what they're saying always makes it feel very realistic.

In general, you have a really great talent for writing: keep going 💗 excited for the rest of this series and whatever you'll have cooking next. I fear this series may have dethroned Pussy Fiend as my favourite domjaehyun piece.

See you next week!

OH. oh wow . i just want you to know i am so happy right now i am literally sitting here like this

but like . actually cute 💖 OKAY LETS GET INTO IT HEHEHE

the way i made that reference entirely for me i was like no one is gonna laugh but me and i do not care BUT IM HAPPY YOU GOT THE REFERENCE OMG 🥹

THANK YOU i really tried to capture the shift in her stance on the whole thing bc she can’t exactly keep doing it and feel guilty like . clearly she enjoys being with him and she doesn’t feel bad enough to stop yknow? it’s so fascinating that you commented on the humanization of winter and jeno respectively BECAUSE I WAS HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME TRYING TO MAKE WINTER A LESS FLAT CHARACTER WHILE ALSO MAKING HER NOT VERY LIKABLE!!!! my inner struggle was “okay she has to be Real but not Too Real bc then the audience will pity her too much and hate MC. but if i make her Real and Annoying it wouldn’t make sense why she’s in the friend group to begin with if she’s blatantly irritating” so i def went the route of like . she’s here but not much….we like her a bit, but not that much…….

jeno …. i had to humanize him bc he serves as somewhat of a foil? to haechan’s character which you’ll see more of in the next part i think like he has to be real / human so the audience can see why she and haechan work so well…. yeah :p sorry to jeno </3

IM SO GLAD YOU FEEL THAT WAY i wanted there to be a stark contrast in the way they interacted w each other like . even down to the way they eat pussy they are Different and both can get the job done but it’s like . you still have a favorite though

REEEEAALLLYYYYY??? 🥹🥹🥹 some of the best smut you’ve ever read oh my god 🥹🥹🥹🥹 i think that’s so hot like . emotionally charged sex AND being so into it that you lose yourself and forget how to function properly 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ mhm mhm good stuff

THANK YOU credit to that idea actually goes to my very dear friend :3 she came up w that i just ran with it fr !!!

EEE THANK YOU i love having like . at least one silly/goofy girl character i think a lot of the time ppl feel compelled to make their female side characters or female characters in general very . bland. like it’s not giving ✨ very demure very mindful ✨ it’s giving “you are not fun at parties so what are you doing here” i use the female friends as an outlet for all my yapping i just make them talk abt any and everything so . hehe

THANK YOUUUU I LOVE DIALOGUE ITS PROBABLY MY FAVORITE PART TO WRITE i love capturing every little detail i can think of in dialogue whether it be in the dialogue tags or the actual dialogue itself !!!

DETHRONED PUSSY FIEND OMG 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 i adore this comment i really do strive to outdo myself like not all of my fics are a Labor Of Love some of them are just me scraping out the brain rot i have from thinking abt an idea and i make it look nice but when i devote like . months and hundreds of thousands of words to a fic ……… i am definitely aiming to outdo myself :’) so this means a whole lot to me thank you genuinely 🥹🥹🥹 I WILL KEEP WRITING I HAVE NO INTENTIONS OF STOPPING 😁😁😁 you are so lovely im so happy you came back to say more i really thoroughly appreciate this message !!!!

[bltngames]

SAGE 2020: The Usual Suspects

Hi, folks! Back when I used to work at TSSZ a lot of people really enjoyed reading my articles where I’d talk about various games at the Sonic Amateur Games Expo (SAGE), and I’ve gotten more requests in the last month and a half to continue doing those types of articles than I think I’ve ever gotten about anything else I’ve ever done before. So, here we are!

But I also need to be real with you: there are a lot of games at SAGE. It was exhausting enough when there were 70, 80, or even 90 games. Heck, the one year I wrote about 85-something games by myself, I sort of felt like I was going to die. This year, there are over 220 games at SAGE. It is physically and emotionally impossible for me to talk about everything, and it may even be impossible for me to play everything. Things will fall through the cracks. Most things, probably. Though I am responsible for basically inventing SAGE 20 years ago, I am also a human. I have my limits, and I am sorry it has to be this way.

Structurally, we’re going to be doing things a little bit differently, and you should expect this to be a little fast and loose. Since I’m not talking about every single game on the show floor, articles are going to be broken up into types:

“Usual Suspects” will be for games that either appeared at previous SAGEs or that I’m at least aware of.

“Fan Games” should be obvious, and it’s whatever doesn’t fall under Usual Suspects.

“Indies” is the same deal, but for original games.

And finally, there will be a “Honorable Mentions” article for whatever random leftovers I don’t cover in the first three articles. Looking forward to me talking about your game, but I don’t mention it? Tell me about it and maybe it’ll end up here.

Without any more delay, let’s talk about those Usual Suspects...

Sonic GT

Sonic GT has always been kind of a difficult game to control, but usually it just took a little bit of getting used to. There was always a period of adjustment, where you had to learn the game’s quirks. But, over time, I feel like the game is also just getting… quirkier. Every time I come back to this, I slam head first into the Sonic GT’s learning curve, and it always feels just a little bit steeper. This is one of those games that tries to fit a lot of abilities into a tiny amount of buttons. It works, but it feels like you have to memorize an operator’s manual. It’s all about figuring out which button to hold when to get what state. But, man… when it clicks into place, it’s still kind of magic. And, at the very least, the levels have all been reworked to take better advantage of Sonic’s high-flying, death-defying acrobatics. You’ve just got to be willing to learn. The real downside of this new version is the inclusion of a proper story mode -- I don’t have anything against having cutscenes in your game or whatever, but for the purposes of reviewing these games, some ability to fast forward through the talking heads so I could get back to the gameplay would’ve been nice. You can skip ahead in cutscenes you’ve already watched, but that doesn’t help when it’s your first time through. Oh well. So it goes. (Update: in the process of getting this article posted, Sonic GT has been patched to make cutscenes always skippable.)

Project SXU (Sonic X-treme Unity)

Another year, another Sonic X-treme recreation. This one’s interesting because it seems to be the most “complete” yet, offering the four most famous levels: Jade Gully, Crystal Frost, Red Sands and Death Egg. Intentionally or unintentionally, this also seems to replicate quite a few quirks we’ve seen in Sonic X-treme’s controls in the videos that have been released of the in-development build. Which means that it, uh, kind of sucks to play. I realize that’s kind of rude, but I’m sort of allowed to say that. 15 years ago, I was basically the only person on the internet that cared what happened to Sonic X-treme, so... I started contacting developers, starting with the game's producer, Mike Wallis. He lead us to Chris Senn, and that broke the dam on information about this game. Now, I don’t claim ownership over everything that came out of this, I’m simply saying I was the one who got the ball rolling. I watched the mystery of Sonic X-treme slowly get uncovered with as much intent as one could possibly have. It is a fascinating piece of lost media, but as a game… well, I think it got canceled for a reason. SXU shows us a clear vision of that, with a game that’s disorienting to look at and hard to control. Heck, if you’re using a controller, you can’t even use the analog stick -- you have to use a d-pad, leading to controls that feel frustratingly twitchy. But that's true to the experience. I probably spent almost as long in this demo accidentally slipping into bottomless pits as I did exploring its levels. Again, this more or less feels accurate to what we’ve seen in videos, though I do think Sonic probably feels a little too sensitive, here. Regardless, it’s still absolutely fascinating.

“Sonic Infinity Engine” Games

I’m cheating a little bit, here. This is technically three entries, but it’s in “Usual Suspects” because there’s been Infinity Engine games at SAGE for a few years now. Listen, it’s my site, my rules, and we’re playing fast and loose, baby!

Adventure Pack 2

This claims to be a “pack” of multiple levels, but the one level I played went on for over 25 minutes without showing any signs of ending. The level is… well, it’s the kind of stuff we’ve seen at SAGE for years and years and years, a space previously occupied by SonicGDK and BlitzSonic before it, where somebody is clearly starting out learning 3D level design, has some prefab assets, and goes to town creating a huge, intricate environment… that doesn’t fit a Sonic game at all. Too many tight spaces, too much enemy spam, and too much labyrinthine pacing. This is “Sonic Visits Anor Londo,” and while it looks interesting visually, it’s easy to get lost, or worse, killed because something isn’t functioning right. Like a lot of Infinity Engine stuff, it’s a bit hit or miss.... And now, also cramped.

Infinity+ Colorful Combat

The primary goal of this seems to be to update the Infinity Engine with extra features, something that I think is pretty welcome. The Infinity Engine is okay, but it’s missing a little bit of polish that the original developer neglected to give it before abandoning the project. This helps tighten some of that stuff up, while also introducing Wisp powers and more playable characters. Some of the new characters could still use some work, yet, but given the project is still in active development, that’s pretty much a guarantee. This could end up being the defacto version of the Sonic Infinity Engine.

Sonic Reforge: Red Ridge (Blockout)

This is what’s called a “Grey Box.” Rather than build out a fully-detailed level, you get a rough estimate on how the stage will flow before you put all the graphics in. What’s here is okay, I guess, but the level loops back on itself in ways that can be kind of confusing. There are a few places where it’s not really clear where you’re supposed to go next, and I spent several minutes running in circles. I’m also not a huge fan of the changes to Infinity’s physics; jumping off of ramps is a key part of the Sonic experience, but there are several places here where that doesn’t work -- to get the height needed to progress, you just need to roll really fast. It works, but it doesn’t feel like the Sonic I’m familiar with.

Sonic World DX

I have a bit of history with this game. Or, well, with a different version of this game. I wasn’t kind to some of the original entries at SAGE many years ago, but over time, they’ve cleaned the game up and streamlined it a fair amount. Now we have the “DX” release, a further cleanup effort splintered off from the main project, but to be honest, I’m not entirely sure what’s different from the previous release. The main version of Sonic World supports an absolutely gargantuan amount of content, with 50 playable characters and at least that many levels. It was big, and weird, and impressive. This demo ships with three or four playable characters and eight stages. Beyond that, there’s not much else to say -- it’s still Sonic World, though this release doesn’t work right with my controller. It picks up the controller binds from the main version of Sonic World, correctly assuming I’m using a DualShock 4, but none of the buttons are correct. When it asks me to press the X button, I have to press Circle for it to properly register. Not only that, but the right stick camera control is completely broken. Switching to an Xbox controller fixes the camera issues, but now the face buttons have the opposite problem: when it asks me to press A to jump, I have to press X. Throws my whole vibe off, like wearing your shoes on the wrong feet. The menus are bizarre, too -- while adjusting the volume, you can’t push left or right to adjust the levels, you have to use controller face buttons for some reason. This whole thing feels like I stepped back in time to 2013 in a bad way.

Sonic Freedom

I feel like I’ve been waiting to see a major development from Sonic Freedom for half a decade at this point. The art considerations for this game are no joke, and I do not envy anyone trying to make a proper high-def 2D Sonic game that looks this good. But, well… it’s another year, and there’s not a lot here. It plays fine, I guess -- the controls are decent, at least. The problem is the level design. Does this level even end? I’m not sure. I know previous demos for Sonic Freedom have had more than one level, but the stage you start out in here is a confusing, empty labyrinth with respawning enemies and a finite number of rings. You climb up and up and up, but eventually I reached what felt like a dead end. Visually it will always look incredible, but I’m wondering if it’ll ever actually become a game at any point in the future.

BraSonic 20XX

Here’s a strange blast from the past I wasn’t expecting. BraSonic is an old fangame from probably more than a decade and a half ago. It was so long ago that I can’t even actually remember if I played the old version of the game or not, but I definitely remember the name. What really throws me for a loop playing the 20XX version now is how much it feels like a game from back in the early 2000’s. The artwork, the sound effects, the locations, all of it makes me feel like I’m 19 again. Thankfully, this doesn’t play like a fangame from 2004; physics seem pretty solid, level design flows pretty well, and it generally seems to be fun, weird, and most importantly, unique. There aren’t many fan games here at SAGE that open with their first boss fight being against Sonic the Hedgehog. If you find yourself getting burnt out from so many Sonic fan games feeling same-y, this could be a good change of pace.

Sonic Frenzy Adventure

Maybe it’s the fact that this is the 20th Anniversary of the Sonic Amateur Games Expo, but here’s another very old fangame coming back out of the woodwork for an enhanced modern re-release. This game was a mainstay of the mid-to-late 2000’s SAGE events, after which it disappeared before being finished. Well, maybe it was finished. Again, a lot of this stuff was so, so, so long ago that this poor old man’s memory just can’t recall it. Seeing Frenzy Adventure back warms my heart, though. It’s an old friend in what has proven to be a very challenging year. Admittedly, parts of it still feel a bit mid-2000’s, but I consider those charming quirks. Throwbacks to a simpler era. At the very least, controls have been improved, so it does play better than the old releases did. Good stuff. Glad to see you again, dude.

Sonic Speed Course

This was a game that turned up last year, but in the kerfuffle I didn’t get around to trying it, even though I really wanted to. This is clearly a game inspired by Kirby’s Dream Course, but instead of Nintendo’s pink puffball, we have Sonic and friends. Whereas Kirby gained abilities by bowling through enemies, this adapts a more traditional Sonic gameplay structure of item boxes filled with shields and other powerups. But here’s my deep dark secret: even though I love Kirby’s Dream Course in concept, there’s a part of me that feels an intense hatred for that game. I have distinct memories of renting Kirby’s Dream Course as a kid and getting really far into the game, but trying to play it as an adult I’m baffled at how difficult it is. The main problem I have is that every stroke you take subtracts from your health, meaning you can only hit the ball so many times before you just… die. This makes for a very, very steep learning curve that discourages play and experimentation. Every shot truly, deeply matters and eventually I find myself caught in a death spiral and staring at the game over screen. All of this is replicated in Sonic’s Speed Course, which, much like with Kirby, I find myself drawn to like a moth to the flame -- only to come away feeling dejected and like I’m just not good enough. For fans of Kirby’s Dream Course, this is undoubtedly good news, as this means Sonic Speed Course is faithful to the tone of that game. But I find myself wishing there was a practice mode or something that let me play these courses without the punitive health system, because I’m ready to love them.

Sonic: Triple Trouble 16-Bit

When you write about so many games at SAGE every year, things start to blur together... a lot. I seem to recall that Triple Trouble 16-Bit last year was good, but had room for improvement. Well, this year, this demo feels… really quite good. I’ll admit, I was a little skeptical about remaking this game. Sonic: Triple Trouble was among the first batch of Game Gear games I ever owned as a kid, and while I liked the game, in my adulthood, I feel like I’ve come to appreciate Sonic Chaos more. But so much has been added to this game that it’s really come into its own. It uses Triple Trouble more as a jumping off point to become something fresh and interesting, and on top of that, this demo is pretty polished. This game was kind of always on my radar, but it’s really turning into something special.

Battle Cross Fever

Every year, I download this game hoping for some kind of single player offering, and every year I’m let down. Battle Cross Fever is a fighting game that plays a lot like Smash Bros., but contains elements that pull it closer to traditional fighting games like Street Fighter. It’s the kind of game that can check with the server to make sure you’re playing the latest version, but doesn’t have true online multiplayer -- instead advertising that you should use a piece of screen sharing software like Parsec to accomplish online multiplayer. In their defense, the few times I’ve used Parsec, it’s basically been magic for how well it works. But I just want, like… anything that I can play by myself. Even if it’s just a super basic arcade mode with brain dead AI, anything is better than nothing. But, I suppose, I am an outlier. Judging by the horrific character select music I landed on, Battle Cross Fever has enough of a community that they could get fans to sing along to “Ghost Town” from Sonic Forces -- which is a fun idea, don’t get me wrong, but when you have loud voices over cheap microphones, well… I hope you aren’t wearing headphones like I was. Anyway, this game’s always seemed solid, but I’ve also never played it with another human being, so really, I’m speaking from the perspective of admiring the diverse roster and all of the fun arenas they’ve ported in. Maybe someday it’ll get some single player content.

I’ll be back with another article… uh, eventually. In truth, I was only going to feature five games here, but it ended up being ten, so we’ll see how many are in future articles when we get there!

[jgvfhl]

Words

This is a Perwaine one shot I wrote for @passionforperwaine and only just finished (after like three months but ssshhhh). Any way it’s super cute!

No warnings. Nothing but Perwaine fluff here!

Percival had never been the best with words. Others seemed to be born with a mouthful just waiting to spill out, but not him. He waited his turn to speak, and if it didn't come, it didn't come. He got used to it after a few years, so by the time he met Lancelot, he'd settled on his quiet, simple way of expressing himself.

But Lancelot knew how to read, and that fascinated Percival. Lancelot caught him looking at too many books and building signs, then finally sat him down with a page written with the alphabet to teach him. Once they were knights and moved to Camelot, Lancelot was too busy to teach him to write, and eventually it was too late. Lancelot was gone. Leon took over for him once he'd earned the story from Percival.

And then there was Gwaine.

Gwaine was a problem. Not just in the obvious ways, the ones everyone noticed: he could be obnoxious, over-eager, brash, and there were always his infamous pranks. No, the problem about Gwaine was a lot more personal than that. Percival absolutely adored him, and vice versa. There was little question of the latter, since Gwaine had, from the moment he'd figured out what they were, developed the habit of announcing it to the world as often as he could. Gwaine was one of those people overflowing with words. Percival always envied the way he could let the words, "I love you," roll so easily off his tongue. Percival hadn't quite figured out how to do that yet.

He'd almost said it to him once. A few months ago, on his birthday, Percival encountered what had appeared to be a pile of rocks and a napkin on the table in his room after returning from patrol. Upon closer inspection, the rocks had been arranged in the shape of a heart, and the napkin was wrapped around two blackberry scones from the kitchens. Stolen, no doubt.

As if on cue, Gwaine had opened Percival's door with a huge grin, and shouted, "Happy birthday! I love you!" before disappearing again.

Percival had almost told him. Almost. He had smiled and shook his head, and sort of whispered it under his breath, testing how the words felt. They felt too powerful.

He'd almost told him another time, when Gwaine was slowly falling asleep, sprawled out in bed next to him, one arm stretched over Percival's chest. The last thing Gwaine had said before drifting off had been a muffled, "Love you, Percy," and Percival had wanted to return the gesture, but the silence in the room weighed down his words.

——

It was late. The candle on Percival's bedside table was barely two inches tall, having started at eight when he'd lit it at sunset. Although the light was bad and only getting worse, Percival still sat on his bed, propped up against the headboard and pillows, reading. He'd borrowed a new book from the library and hadn't been able to put it down in the past four hours. It was really getting out of hand. But he kept reading.

Until, that is, his door opened to Gwaine, dressed only in a shirt and pants, who walked silently over and helped himself to the empty spot on the bed next to Percival. "Can't sleep," he said in explanation.

Percival had assumed as much. "What do you want me to do about it?"

Gwaine made a noise to express his indecision, then leaned over and rested his head on Percival's shoulder. He stared at the open book in Percival's hands. "Read to me?"

It wasn't the first time Gwaine had asked that. The request no longer caused Percival to stare at him for several moments before Gwaine elbowed him back into reality. "You're not gonna like this one," Percival told him, gesturing with the book. "It's history."

"Good, it'll put me to sleep," Gwaine said, settling into his position against Percival's side.

Percival smirked at him, turned back to the book, and started to read from where he left off. He didn't get far before Gwaine interrupted him, as was his custom.

"Wait, wait, wait, I don't know who King What's-His-Face is, the one you just read. With the son who stole his boat or whatever," he said, waving a hand in the vague direction of the page. "I missed that."

"Which one?" Percival asked. "There's about three kings with that description."

Gwaine squinted and sighed as he tried to recollect the name. Percival enjoyed making him think. It was cute. "I dunno," he said. "The guy . . . the third guy? With the fancy sword or whatever?"

Percival raised an eyebrow. "Do you remember anything of his name? Like what letters it started with?"

An even longer pensive silence followed that question. Percival had to glance over at him to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep. But Gwaine was staring at the book, blankly, lost in thought. Finally, after a long while, he said very quietly, "I never learned my letters."

"Oh." Percival didn't know what else to say. He'd sort of assumed someone as worldly and well-traveled as Gwaine would at least know how to read. Then again, the more he thought about it, the more he recalled Gwaine being the one listening when Leon read off troop numbers, or when Arthur gave patrol assignments. He always listened, when most of the knights simply took a look at the paper later.

"Yeah, my mum never taught me," Gwaine went on. "Then I left. Never took the time."

Once again, the words Percival wanted failed him. "Um."

Gwaine turned his head to look at him, resting his chin on Percival's shoulder. "Something wrong?"

"No, I just—I figured you'd learned them," Percival admitted. "Somewhere in your travels."

Gwaine smiled a little, then shrugged, returning to his previous position leaning against his lover's side. "Nah."

Out of nowhere, the words, "I could teach you," fell out of Percival's mouth before he could think about them.

Gwiane looked up at him. "You serious?"

Percival nodded. "O' course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"When do you have time?"

"We're both free after dinner everyday. We could start tomorrow." Percival paused, replaying the last bits of dialogue in his head. "Sorry, you—you never said 'yes,' I just assumed. . ."

Gwaine waved a hand, ending discussion. "My fault. I would like you to teach me."

Percival smiled and nodded. "Tomorrow after dinner, yeah?"

Gwaine nodded. "Yeah." He sighed. "Can I just stay here tonight? Don't wanna walk back."

"Even though your room is right next door?" Percival's remark earned an eye roll and a scoff, but nothing else. "Of course you can stay, Gwaine," he answered, closing the book, recognizing there wasn't a need for it anymore, given Gwaine's slowly drooping eyelids. As he got up to set the book down, he said, "Lie down before you fall over, idiot."

Gwaine needed no further encouragement. Even before Percival had finished putting the book away, taking his shirt off—he never slept in it at home, and extinguishing the candle, he was tucked in and mostly asleep. He remained awake enough to mumble, "Love you," but nothing else.

Percival sighed. How did he make the words sound so simple?

——

The next day, as they had agreed upon, they met in Percival's room to start Gwaine's lessons. He was a quick learner, like he was in most things, and the teaching was a lot easier because he, unlike most children learning their letters, already knew how to speak well. He got through the alphabet easily, with Percival having him name words beginning with each letter as they went. Then they went on to simple words for him to read, until night had fallen and the candle was burning dangerously low.

For the next couple weeks, this became their routine after dinner. Leon and Elyan grew curious after a few days, so they all met in the library that day. Geoffrey didn't mind, thankfully. Gwaine had moved on to writing at that point, and was at least comforted by Elyan's wobbly writing while constantly complaining that his would never look as neat as Percival's or Leon's.

"It will if you keep practicing," Percival urged.

"You two have had years of practice!" Gwaine protested, gesturing specifically at Leon, who had learned reading and writing at a young age.

Eventually, Gwaine graduated to reading from books Percival brought up from the library. They'd sit on Percival's bed, Percival's back against the headboard and Gwaine seated between his legs, so Percival could read over his shoulder to correct him. Those nights quickly became Percival's favorite part of the day. He loved listening to  Gwaine read, although it was slow going at first. He, more so than Percival, gave different voices to different characters, once Percival had shown him how writers denoted dialogue. It never failed to make Percival laugh.

At the end of one such evening, once Gwaine had closed the book, he leaned back against Percival's chest and sighed. "That was really good," Percival told him, resting his chin on his shoulder.

"Thanks," Gwaine answered with a tired smile. "Thanks for everything."

"Of course."

"I love you."

Instead of replying outright, Percival lifted his head and planted a kiss on Gwaine's cheek. "I know." He kissed him again before, "It's late, and we've got a Round Table meeting in the morning."

"I could just sleep then."

——

A few days later, in the morning, Percival was finishing the last few buckles on his bracers when something lying on the table caught his eye. He looked at it, his brow wrinkling in curiosity as he finished buckling his bracers by feel. Upon inspection, it was a folded piece of paper with his name written on it. Percival smiled at it; he knew that handwriting. He'd spent almost the past three weeks watching it develop. He sat down at the table and took up the paper, taking a few seconds to admire his own name on the front before unfolding it.

Percival

I wanted to thank you for teaching me. I would have done it in person, and I'll probably do that anyway, but I thought it made sense to write something, becaus that's what you taught me. So thanks. Thank you and I love you. I know I say that alot, but I always mean it. And now you have it in riting. And if I don't stop writing now I'll end up with three pages of mess repeting how much I love you in as many ways I can find.

Gwaine

The writing was a little messy, with one or two inkblots here and there, and a few spelling mistakes, but the message got through. Percival realized he hadn't stopped smiling since he'd picked up the letter. He couldn't make it stop. He refolded the letter carefully and got up, pausing only to put on his red cloak before leaving his room. Gwaine would still be in his room, he knew, taking his own sweet time to get ready. Unlike Gwaine, Percival knocked on the door before pushing it open.

"Hey, Percy." Gwaine was standing by his wardrobe with his sword and belt in one hand. Percival held up the folded paper. "Oh you got that, did you?" Gwaine said, passing the belt around his waist. "How was it?"

In response, Percival—who was still smiling a little—walked over to him, lifted his chin with his free hand, and kissed him soundly on the mouth.

After they parted, Gwaine blinked, taking a few seconds to register Percival's unusually overt display of affection. He very much appreciated it, he decided. "That good, huh?"

Percival looked again at the letter, and said, "It's perfect."

"Really?"

"No, your spelling needs work—"

"Oh come on!"

"—but it's still perfect." Percival smiled even wider. "You're perfect. And I love you."

Finally.

[mira-gilastorm]

A Moment of Grief

So I just finished Good Omens - it was written before I was born so I don't know what took me so long. But it is a brilliant story and, if you haven't already, I highly recommend that you read it.

Neil Gaiman is easily my favorite author. It was around the time my little brother introduced me to The Graveyard Book that he successfully surpassed Dickens in my view. Or, perhaps, I just decided it was time for me to stop being so very adult about life and enjoy things a little bit more. Either way, if I could be like anyone, it would be Neil Gaiman. 

Fun fact, he writes for Doctor Who - in fact, he wrote The Doctor's Wife, which was Kirby's favorite DW episode of all time, and that is just all the more endearing. And he wrote Good Omens with Terry Pratchet. When you read how they talk about the process of writing together, the way they really just wrote in their excitement and how their respect and affection for the other shines through - my heart aches.

I had that. I had it with Kirby. The way we shared interests and remote references that no one else could ever possibly get unless they were so far lost in our fandom world as well - the way we would get excited and send 30+ text messages, or simply call one another to shout about something. And it makes me ache to write and it makes me ache for that best friend again. 

What do you do when you're stuck living on and the person who was supposed to be the other half of your soul is just - gone? I had a recent health scare - like, is-it-breast-cancer-or-is-it-lymphoma kind of health scare - and there were absolutely no moments where I thought "this is it, this is my end, I had so much left to live for and now it's over".... No, my thoughts were more along the lines of "at least I'll get to be with Kirby" either rapidly following or followed by "my son will be well taken care of, everyone will see to that."

And when it turned out to be some kind of auto-immune disease, something in me was disappointed. I still have to go on, alone. I'm still writing stories with no one to geek out with. I still watch my shows and remember there's no one to text about a certain amazing part - or how trash the writing is and how dirty they did a character. 

I did a podcast about the fact that Grief is not this cut-and-dry thing. And I got some closure from a conflict that arose from the things I said in said podcast, but I don't think I know Grief as well as I thought. Just like I am more quiet and closed-off that I thought. I realized this as I started hosting a podcast and everyone in the room is just so much louder than me. But also in a conflict that arose before I started my podcast in which some of my oldest friends (living) displayed that they have this very inaccurate picture of my personality and character and I have been faced with the fact that I - me, Miranda, Brittinni, Kitty,/whatever name you have known me under - I give off this impression. 

In that very same way, I do not know Grief. She likes to sneak up on me when I'm not taking my meds, take my insides and rattle them about so I feel as though nothing in the world is in quite the right place. Like the sun shines a little gray and the sky is just slightly off in its blueness. And she reminds me I do not have a Terry Pratchett - or Neil Gaiman, as the case may be - I am the David who lost his Jonathan, a parabatai alone without her other half. 

And the sun shines a little grayer. The sky dims just a bit. I dropped out of school because I couldn't handle it any more, but also because there was no passion behind it anymore. 

What does one do when the only thing that you can be passionate about is just gone? [SFX: Poof!, Fingers snapping, etc.] Just like that.

You don't care about a potential terminal diagnosis, that's for sure. But you also get slightly off-put when the diagnosis is less-than-terminal, because, for just a moment, you thought maybe you were done being alone. And Grief introduces you to another aspect of her personality that you somehow missed, despite however well you thought you two were acquainted. So you raise your head, put your shoulders back, and find something to read - something that will break your heart just a little bit more as you realize this isn't me anymore.

The passion that Neil and Terry have as they talk about writing, talk about talking to each other about writing - I envy that in a way I didn't know was possible. Not just the friendship they have that I lost, but the passion and excitement they have for the Written Word. I remember a time where I was just so completely and totally fascinated by it. Perhaps I should just write some more and I'll find where Grief hid all that.

She's tricky like that. But I'll give her this moment. Then I guess I'll carry on into the next.

- M

[getoffthesoapbox]

[VKM Spec] Takuma, The Vampire King

A few months ago, I wrote up a list of possible culprits who might be the true identity of the Vampire King character who is now menacing the VKM world. In my list, I covered everyone except the most likely suspect, one my dear friend @vampireknightmeta​ pointed out to me as a joke. Once it was out in the ethers, it became readily apparent that there might be more to the crack thought than meets the eye. After some brainstorming with the usual suspects, and after a good deal of pondering and the pertinent and timely release of VKM 13.5, the theory seems solid enough to offer it up to the universe.

Takuma, the Vampire King? It’s more likely than you think.

On the surface, Takuma is a relatively unlikely candidate for the Vampire King. He’s a comic relief character who was Kaname’s number one toady and spends his life obsessing over his ice-cubed friend. At most he’s a figure worthy of pity, but hardly the type to orchestrate any kind of mischief. Even during the original series, he was always a lackey rather than a mastermind. How can a lackey do any damage without the mastermind to guide him? There’s also his easy-going personality to contend with as well.

So before we can even discuss how Takuma might be the Vampire King, or why he might choose to bear that moniker, we need to look first into what would motivate him to even consider this in the first place.

Deeper Desires: Resentment and Longing

We know from the original series that Takuma was the kind of person who wore a mask of cheerfulness to cover his insecurities. While Hino didn’t delve too deeply into why, exactly, he used this particular coping mechanism, she did spend a great deal of time expounding on his fascination with purebloods and his desire to be necessary to them. 

Takuma has a bad case of pureblood-fixation. While at first he merely seems like Kaname’s best friend and the one noble who actually sees him as a person, rather than as an object of worship (as Ruka, Aidou, and even Yuuki do), we find out during the Sara arc that he’s for the most part no different than the rest of them--he is a fly drawn to Kaname’s fly zapper light, and later to Sara’s. 

We learn during the Sara arc a few key things about Takuma that are never fully explored: one is that Takuma had his suspicions about “when” Kaname’s plans for Zero began, and that those plans did not begin after Zero was brought to Kaien’s home; and the other is that Takuma is deeply envious (to the point of outright saying so to Sara) of Zero being “necessary” to the purebloods while he himself is not. 

This all culminates in a surprising moment when Takuma briefly takes Zero hostage during the fight with Kaname in Night 84. Kaname becomes panicked and tries to reason with Takuma, which clearly bothers Takuma as, well, Kaname never takes the time to reason with anyone over anything. Takuma’s response to Kaname’s attempt to negotiate is incredibly telling--we only get to see a bit of his back, and the panel itself is covered in dark screentones. Takuma was both not expecting Kaname’s response and deeply hurt by it. 

Due to Sara’s untimely death and ultimately Kaname’s cubification, we never get to see what was truly going on in Takuma’s mind during these chapters. His sadness when he watches Kaname leave to throw his heart into the forge could be anything--it could be a pure-hearted sorrow for Kaname, or it could be mixed with envy that Zero is the one Kaname’s sacrificing his life for (it is, after all, Zero’s weapon breaking that is the catalyst for Kaname’s choice, not Yuuki). 

Admittedly, if we stop here, there isn’t much evidence that Takuma would become an active agent again in VKM. However, VKM itself has some...rather interesting moments with Takuma that are suspicious in light of VKM 13.5 and the Vampire King’s appearance. 

The first moment in VKM that always stuck out to me like a sore thumb is Takuma’s cheerfully passive aggressive line to Zero in VKM 1. Zero is late to join the baby congratulations party, and Takuma asks him if he has any fond memories of Kaname he’d like to share. On the surface, this is an innocuous comment...until you realize Takuma knows the full depth of what Kaname means and did to Zero. Takuma knows everything--he knows what Kaname did to Zero’s family, he knows what Kaname did to torment Zero during his years with Yuuki, he knows that Kaname set Zero up to kill Rido, he knows what Kaname did to Zero through Yuuki and he chooses to say this line anyway, which shows just how little regard he holds Zero and Zero’s feelings. 

We don’t see much of Takuma after this, probably for good reason, and the next time we revisit him is in VKM 10, when Zero and Yuuki arrive to “greet” the Kana-cicle and announce they’re officially dating. Oddly, Takuma makes a point to “joke” about not approving their official status. Hino again plays it off as a comedic moment, but given Takuma’s personal history and loyalty to Kaname and his known passive aggressive nature and mask-like personality, it’s hard to take his “jokes” at face value--there’s always an element of truth lurking beneath them. Yuuki “belongs” to Kaname, and Takuma has never once disagreed with this--he is no Zeki fan, unlike Aidou and now Ruka. He doesn’t care about anyone’s happiness but Kaname’s.

The next interesting tidbit we get is a scene at the end of VKM 10, where Takuma questions Aidou about his research and about whether or not Aidou thinks the Kaien cure will bring Kaname back. This is a clear statement of intent--Takuma is interested in Aidou’s research for the sake of Kaname’s resurrection, not for any other reason. This gives Takuma a motive for wanting a cure created, which is more than any other character has at this point (Yuuki already has a way to help Kaname with no cure needed). 

Even with all of this though, including Takuma’s resentment toward Zero and his longing to have Kaname back, there isn’t much to conclude that he might be the Vampire King. It seems a lot of trouble to go to for no reason. What could Takuma possibly gain from it all, and what is he looking to accomplish if he is, indeed, the Vampire King?

The Motive: Rescue the King, Return the Queen, Slay the Knight

It’s important to remember that Takuma is Kaname’s #1 lackey. Whatever he does is in service to Kaname--he even mistakenly believed that Kaname wanted him to keep an eye on Sara in order to rationalize Kaname flat out abandoning him for a year and not even searching for him after his battle with Ichiou. This person, even if he has a clear view on Kaname in some respects, is remarkably blind to the realities of Kaname’s relationship with him. 

It’s also important to remember that Takuma does not support Zero and Yuuki. He is first and foremost supportive of Kaname and Yuuki. Unlike Ruka and Aidou, Yuuki’s feelings and desires don’t seem to matter much to Takuma; they only matter while Kaname is gone. Thus, Yuuki “moving on” from Kaname is “okay” so long as Kaname is always placed at the top and receives his proper due from Yuuki. 

The only reason Takuma gave up on Kaname in the first place was because Kaname loved Yuuki and Yuuki appeared to love Kaname back. It’s been reiterated multiple times that Takuma has “suki” for Kaname--love. Yuuki herself acknowledged Takuma’s love in arc 2. His feelings are deeper than friendship for Kaname, and while he was willing to step down for Yuuki because she was the one Kaname wanted, he may not be so pleased to see her running off with the very man who was a thorn in Kaname’s side. 

Now, all this preface out of the way, VKM 13.5 reveals a few things about Takuma that now add context to his behavior in previous VKM chapters and paint a more sinister tone over his future. 

We learn from VKM 13.5 that Takuma is obsessed with Kaname--he will only leave the Kana-cube’s side for brief trips and for meetings. We also learn that Takuma is fully aware of all the wrong Kaname committed but doesn’t care because Kaname confided his crimes in Takuma, thereby making Takuma special by proxy. This feeling of being “chosen” by a pureblood (and chosen over Zero in particular) is not something Takuma’s going to let go of lightly because it’s all he has. As Aidou gently points out, Takuma has no love interest and no family. He’s not in a good place. 

Worse, Takuma is fully aware of what a mess he’s become and he doesn’t care. Kaname “belongs” to him right now, and he’s going to watch over him and keep him all to himself. However, he admits that watching over Kaname is good enough for now. “For now” implies that perhaps one day that won’t be good enough. It’s a very deliberate choice on Hino’s part to include that. Chronologically, this chapter takes place nearly 50 years before the Vampire King appears. 50 years is a long time to sit in front of a cube reading manga and stagnating while watching your friends move on with their lives. 

Now, with this context, we can look at how Takuma might feel about Yuuki and Ai in particular. Yuuki and Zero, by VKM 13.5, have already benched themselves and their relationship is platonic. Zero, in this scenario, is no “threat” to Kaname or Kaname’s belongings--Yuuki and Ai. Takuma doesn’t need to view Zero as a problem at this stage, because Zero brings comfort to Yuuki (Kaname’s “widow”) and joy to Ai, but he doesn’t threaten what “belongs” to Kaname in any significant way. Yuuki shows no interest in wanting to move on with Zero or have his children, therefore Takuma has at least one for sure companion in his long solitary wait for Kaname’s resurrection. He probably assumes (incorrectly) that Yuuki is awaiting the moment of resurrection as well, and that she’ll (like him) run to Kaname the minute he returns to her, discarding Zero as the dirty side piece that he is. 

But 50 years pass, and then suddenly Zero and Yuuki appear before Takuma declaring that they’re going to “become official.” Takuma is clearly shaken by this, though he covers it well enough and tries to come to terms with it by thinking about how happy it will make Aidou--but clearly this isn’t something that sits well with him. And why would it? If even Yuuki, Kaname’s widow, is willing to move on with her life, what does that say about Kaname and by extension Takuma? It says they’re old news and they’ll be forgotten. For a Kaname sycophant, this is tantamount to treason. Even “good natured” Takuma, stewing there in silence in front of the Kana-cube, imagining Yuuki and Zero are now “moving forward” and all that that entails and what it means for Kaname, surely will snap at some point from the internal pressure. 

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that this is the moment when Takuma begins vocalizing his desire for Kaname’s resurrection in VKM 10, and that that is the very same chapter Zero and Yuuki try to establish what “moving forward” even means. For if Takuma can bring Kaname back before Zero and Yuuki get anywhere, Yuuki can return “where she belongs” (to Kaname) and Kaname will lavish love and praise on Takuma for rescuing his relationship from the clutches of the dastardly Zero (who, lol, Kaname loves, but whatever). 

This brings us, of course, to the ever so convenient “timing” of the Vampire King’s appearance--he appears very soon after Zero and Yuuki begin to be official, and his targets are pinpointed at people who are related to Yuuki. Also interesting is that Takuma “disappears” from VKM 11-13--he’s not even featured at Ruka and Kain’s wedding. Out of sight, out of mind. A perfect place for a terrorist. 

If Takuma is the Vampire King, the particular timing and targets we’ve already seen make a great deal of sense:

The first targets are Kain and Ruka in particular. No human is injured, only Kain. 

The name chosen for this “new menace” is the Vampire King, a direct reference to Kaname. While Takuma may not wish to vilify Kaname’s “good name,” if he’s trying to send a message to Yuuki and/or Zero, using a term for Kaname is a good start. It may also be that he wants this plan to honor Kaname, and thus uses Kaname’s title--one that is also sure to instill fear in the humans and make them more likely to work with Takuma���s plan (which obviously is meant to cause no real damage to the humans, just stir them up and cause chaos). 

The second target is Zero, and the perpetrator deliberately insults Zero before blowing himself up. Zero was the only target, and one specifically requested. The perpetrator waited for Zero to arrive before he blew himself up. 

Zero brings up in VKM 13 that they don’t know the identity of the perpetrator, and that he could be a disgruntled hunter or a pureblood. Zero conveniently doesn’t mention that it might be a noble. Nobles and lesser vampires aren’t even on Zero’s radar. That’s a scary blind spot.

Why would Takuma want to become a terrorist? For multiple reasons:

To keep Zero and Yuuki busy long enough that they don’t start having children, making it impossible to cleanly return Yuuki to Kaname.

To separate Zero from Yuuki in order to get Zero to do something only Takuma knows about. (Something related to his secret that he learned from Kaname.)  This might include revealing to Zero that Zero is the key to the cure, and that Zero should willingly sacrifice himself for the “greater good.”

To preserve a world where purebloods still exist, because purebloods are Takuma’s reason for existing--if all the purebloods take the cure, Takuma will have nothing left. 

There are probably more that I don’t even know yet and don’t have the brain capacity to figure out. But ultimately, Takuma would want to be a hero to Kaname in particular--slay his enemy (or at least neutralize him), become “necessary” to his lord by rescuing him, and restoring to his lord the lady who he lost. As a knight figure (Kaname’s knight on the black side of the chess board), this would be the perfect challenge for Takuma, and it would ensure that the black knight goes up against the two white knights (Zero and Aidou) for something more interesting than a spot of tea. ;)

The Method: Gather the Troops

But Takuma’s not a pureblood, so how on earth could he orchestrate a terrorist attack where level C (or D) vampires are willing to blow themselves up for him? 

Well, simple. Takuma (and the Ichijou family) are highly influential nobles, and there are still plenty of potentially disgruntled purebloods who a.) might like a stab at Kaname and b.) might not be happy with this more “peaceful” time period and the idea of losing it. Depending on what Takuma’s working for (a cure or simply the resurrection of Kaname), he might be able to gain an ally in one of the disgruntled purebloods we didn’t get to meet. An alliance would be very like the Ichijou family--after all, his grandfather formed an alliance with the head of the Hunters in arc 1. And while Takuma says he regrets what his grandfather did in VKM 13.5, that doesn’t mean he’s wise enough to avoid repeating his grandfather’s mistakes. 

In VKM 9, Hino made a random point during Zero’s narration of highlighting Takuma’s appointment to the new council. It wasn’t something Zero was even present for, but Hino felt the need to include it in the chapter highlighting Zero’s despair. This tidbit, of course, tells us that Takuma does have significant influence over the vampires, as he is the head of the new council. He has access to important people, and we know from VKM 13.5 that he does utilize that access via meetings.

So, if we assume that after Yuuki and Zero announce their official status and after Aidou has his first string of failures with Kaien’s blood samples, Takuma for whatever reason reaches out to a pureblood we haven’t met or simply gathers a menagerie of disgruntled Level Ds/Cs/nobles who are prepared to go to the extreme to preserve vampiric society underground. Either way, he certainly has the resources and the potential motivations to put such a plan in action. 

With all the perpetrators of the plan blowing themselves up, it would be virtually impossible to trace them back to Takuma as their source unless Takuma wanted to send a specific message to Yuuki (or to Zero) himself. But so far this plan has targeted only vampires near Zero and Yuuki’s vicinity. Until we get more instances of the Vampire King attacking people outside of Zero and Yuuki’s circle, the likelihood of the culprit being someone they know is high. 

Takuma has been the lackey of two purebloods playing their chess games. Surely he’s picked up enough knowledge to play a few of his own by now. 

Wrapping Up

Obviously this is all speculation and hypothesis at this point, and is just as likely to be wrong as anything else. However, Takuma being the Vampire King solves several problems with this storyline and adds some new depth that wasn’t there with any other option:

It’d be a great mirror to have Takuma turning into his grandfather (and ironically he mentions his grandfather this chapter and Hino randomly reminded us about his grandfather in VKM 11), who became corrupted due to his disdain over vampire society.

Takuma has a lot of unresolved resentment in regards to Zero that this plotline could help resolve.

Takuma is a spare character who, like Kaito, has no real function at this point and no potential love interest to share a happily ever after with. He’s too drawn to villainy to be of any use. 

Takuma would be the perfect foil to highlight Zero’s insecurities about Yuuki and Yuuki’s feelings for Kaname because Takuma does not support Zeki and would actively support Kaname instead for Yuuki. This would be a fantastic way to reveal Zero’s worries about Yuuki’s affections without having to have a confrontation with Yuuki narratively.

This would also be a great opportunity to tie up the loose ends about Zero’s special nature, Kaname’s original interest in Zero, Kaname’s real plans for Zero, Takuma’s knowledge of Kaname’s plans, and what Takuma’s “secret” actually is. 

This frees Kaien up to be going on his adventures for Juri’s sake in order to bring back whatever is necessary to stop Takuma and thus finally regain his place as Zero and Yuuki’s proper guardian and atone for his mistakes in the original series. 

If Takuma is the Vampire King, it would explain why a.) Kaname’s cube-site becomes rundown and abandoned and b.) Takuma is nowhere to be found when Kaname awakens (if he was still alive/free, he’d surely want to be by Kaname’s side).

My ideal variant of this theory, of course, would be that Takuma knows Kaname planned to sacrifice Zero for the cure and that he’s patiently tried to allow Aidou to find a better/more life-preserving way but after nearly 100 years gets impatient and decides to take matters into his own hands. What I would love, if Hino won’t give me a specific Zero and Yuuki break up, is if Takuma kidnaps Zero (and Yuuki thinks Zero just left her, and so she doesn’t search for him), and reveals that he’s aware of all Zero’s insecurities about Yuuki and preys on them in order to get Zero to agree to willingly become the cure, then release him to take on the task. 

This would be a fantastic obstacle for Yuuki and Aidou because a.) when Zero is returned to them, they won’t understand why he’s suddenly aloof and unwilling to open up to them and b.) Yuuki will mistakenly think Zero’s pushing her away because he’s done with her and will have to find a way to reach him with her true feelings, not knowing that he’s planning to die in order to restore Kaname to her and remove himself from the picture. (An exact repeat of what Kaname did in Vampire Knight, but with more altruistic intentions, paralleling the situation once again.)

But, this is Hino, so likely this is too cool for her to accomplish. =P Still, it’d bring a lot of fantastic and much-needed drama to this dry, dull storyline and would certainly be far more fun than Random Pureblood B attacks Yuuki because she’s pwerfect. *sigh*

Guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Until next time!

[luki-fanfic]

So…my original plan was to get all of my ongoing fics updated before New Year’s.  However, I’ve had several 14 hours shift one after the other the last few weeks, so I haven’t even been able to THINK about updating fanfic.

Since getting my fanfics done wasn’t going to happen, I decided to take a look back at what has been a much longer time in the fanfiction world than I realised, and list some of the writers that I’ve admired and appreciated, even if I’m no longer in their fandoms or reading their work, as we ring in the next year:

Macx

Macx is one of the very first fanfiction authors I can vividly remember reading and going ‘wow.’ I discovered them back when I was in the Godzilla: Animated Series fandom (and boy am I showing my age with that revelation).  Until then most of the fanfiction I’d read was short or pairing heavy, but Macx’s stories were long, and heaving with plot, well written characters, and fascinating ideas that I loved more than the original series.  Every now and then, Macx would pop up in other fandoms I was in, but their greatest gift to me was inspiring another author -

Vathara

Vathara, Queen of the Crossover.  Who liked Macx’s Godzilla fanfiction so much they got permission to write in their universe, and is responsible for getting me into so many fandoms I’ve literally lost count.  

Every time they bring out another crossover, I usually find myself digging up information on Wikipedia so I can understand the other half of the fic.  They also are one of the very few authors I know that almost always releases the full fanfic in one go, which allows no cliff-hangers, and essentially a must-read novel showing up overnight.  And novel is the word.  Vathara is like the Michael Crichton when it comes to writing, there’s so much detail, and what feels like an insane amount of research into various ideas.  I have no idea how much of it is accurate, but nearly every fic I read feels like a deep dive into the meta of the original canon, to the point that with many fics, I have to remind myself that her work isn’t canon (and when it comes to her Yu-Gi-Oh fics, that’s kind of gutting)

Cywscross

Here’s a name that wont surprise anyone.  I think I found them via Harry Potter, but honestly, I can’t quite remember.  They can almost rival Vathara in the number of fandoms they’ve sunk me into.  For one thing, I never would have given Katekyo Hitman Reborn another chance had it not been for their Harry Potter/KHR crossover, and considering how much KHR is part of my fanfiction career, that’s a pretty big thing.

What I loved about Cywscross was that when I found them, I was getting really exhausted from reading nothing but pairing after pairing after pairing.  It was getting really hard to enjoy fanfic, because that’s not what I was reading it for – later I’d realise I was asexual and this suddenly made a lot more sense – but Cywscross wrote interesting ideas that were focused on the characters and plot.  There was next to no romance, just friendship and interesting plots – everything I was looking for.  The only downside was that the fics were usually unfinished, but that’s the way with a lot of fanfiction.

It also gave me hope that my own work could be popular – Cywscross was regularly at the top of the favourites in the fandoms, despite no pairings or sex scenes.  I didn’t write a lot of longer fanfiction at the time, but I hoped that when I did, people would want to read it despite the lack of relationships.  

Sadly, I don’t read a lot of Cywscross’s fics anymore, since they’ve migrated into Teen Wolf, which, despite my best attempts, I really can’t get into fully.  They’ve also started to focus more on pairing fics, which are still good and something I’m into more now than I used to be, but not what I enjoyed reading their work for.  When they leave the Teen Wolf fandom, maybe we’ll wander into the same fandoms again.  

Esama

No surprises here. Esama might be a pairing writer, but their ideas are always so interesting.  Especially when they decide to pull off a crossover.  I nearly had a heart attack when I realised they’d stepped into the KHR fandom – and mourned when they chose to remove all of their fanfics from the net.  So happy that decision was reversed, especially when it comes to their Final Fantasy fics, which have always been some of my favourites.  Also have a very special place in my heart for their Doctor Donna fic, which I so sorely wish was canon.

John Tomorrow

Of all the writers I ever read, John Tomorrow is the one whose talents I envied the most, as they could achieve something that many writers can only dream of.  Engaging fight scenes.

John Tomorrow wrote in the Final Fantasy 8 fandom – and wrote a tournament fanfic.  Just stop and think about that for a minute.  The arc most anime’s get that almost feels like filler and an excuse to introduce new characters, and he wrote one intentionally.  On top of that, it was astonishingly good – his talent was bringing characters to life, to the point that you could genuinely visualise them fighting right in front of you.  

As an added bonus, there was a genuine mystery to the plot.  It wasn’t fighting for the sake of fighting, which took it from good to fantastic. He also managed to achieve something I’ve always wanted to do, a ‘rashomon’ fanfic, which took the events of a single day from several different characters points of view.  

They’ve since left fanfic to try and publish original work, but I’m not sure if they ever achieved it. You can still read some of their work on fictionpress though, under the name Michael Kenny.

Red Witch

When X-Men Evolution was my favourite show, Red Witch became my go-to author.  Ironically, unlike a lot of other crossover writers, I really don’t like her most popular works.  Instead, I prefer their more comedic canon-adjacent fics involving the Brotherhood.  Are they canon? Dear god no. Are they hysterically funny to the point I genuinely didn’t care?  Hell yes. Half of their fics had me in literal tears of laughter, and considering I was going through a bad time when I was watching X-men Evolution? That was everything I needed.  I haven’t read their work in years, but I still smile thinking about some of her pieces.

LittleMewLugia

LML was my definition of guilty pleasure for a very long time.  The Transformers (live action) fandom was my second major fandom, and by far the biggest I’d been in.  Up until then I’d mostly been in small manga fandoms and Final Fantasy 9.  So, coming into a fandom where you could get a thousand views overnight was just a little bit overwhelming.  

I found a lot of great writers here, but I admit I had a certain weakness for a very particular type of fanfic.  I’m a sucker for transformation stories, and Autobot!Sam was pretty rampant here – I had my own attempt, but then I found LittleMewLugia, who also clearly had a passion for the transformation genre.  I’d also grown more into pairings after going through so much glut (you either learn to appreciate pairings or just don’t read fanfiction after some point), so I was looking for transformation and simplistic pairings.

And by GOD, did they deliver.  Admittedly, a lot of the fics followed a very similar plotline, but I didn’t care – a lot of pairing fics follow the same plot.  Movies follow same plots – why fix what works?  I just loved reading their stuff.

I’ve long since left the Transformers fandom, but I’ll always remember her work fondly for always giving me something that might not be unique, but would familiar, and something I knew I would like.

Blackkat

The newest writer to make it to this list.  Although I’ve never been a big fan of Naruto, the fanfics are so much better than the canon, and enough of my favourite authors have dipped their toe in the waters here for me to keep reading.  Especially when it comes to time travel fics – which given the fiasco that is the canon timeline, can only make things better.  And Blackkat not only delivers unique time travel fics, but a word count that makes War and Peace look like some light reading – in a timespan I refuse to believe is possible without a TARDIS.  Seriously, where do they find the time and dedication?

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Rakugo v4

This took way longer for me to get to than I wanted. Oh well. Thankfully I feel like I enjoyed it a fair bit more than the last volume or two.

Anyway, thoughts under the cut.

I want to try and keep the manga/anime comparisons to a minimum [fake edit: haha yeah that’s not happening], but at the very least, I think this volume felt a bit closer to the anime than the last volume or so, which was nice. The thing that stuck out to me the most, though, was how the conversation between Kikuhiko and his master happens in the first chapter of this volume, after Sukeroku had already been expelled. It’s been like a year since I watched the anime so I might just be misremembering, but I could have shown that that conversation happened before Kikuhiko even went on the family tour thing with his master, which is why I said in the last post that it felt strange that it hadn’t happened yet.

For the most part, the manga just continues to feel like a slightly less substantial version of the anime, which I think I’m simply getting less and less bitter over. I shouldn’t really be expecting it to feel exactly like the anime, or anything. I think it does the most it can with what it has to use. But I still do appreciate how the anime fleshed out the material, especially in moments like Sukeroku and Kikuhiko walking Konatsu along a path, which had a full shot devoted to it in the anime, but was more of a side-note in the manga.

On that general note, that whole sequence, of Sukeroku and Kikuhiko living together temporarily and taking care of Konatsu, is still one of my favourite parts of the story, at least from this arc. It’s just so wholesome and wonderful, even though as you’re reading/watching it, you just know that it won’t last forever.

I’m almost surprised at how similar a lot of Miyokichi’s scenes are to how they are in the anime. I mean, she definitely comes across as having more depth and sympathetic qualities in the anime, but from how I saw some people talking about it, I expected her to feel WAY worse in the manga. She’s still one of my favourite characters, to be honest. She’s the sort of character you both hate and love in equal measure. I can’t help but instinctively dislike her for being the sort of person to abandon her family, but I also can’t help but sympathize with her position of being a woman in a heavily patriarchal society that gives her no real freedom. In a more meta way, it’s depressing that, especially in the manga, she’s framed heavily as being a sort of femme fatale character who exists to cause drama and conflict, so I’m glad that the anime treated her with more respect, enough so that apparently it changed how Kumota wrote her part in the ending chapters.

The rakugo performances in particular still feel like the part that suffers most heavily from being portrayed as a series of silent black and white images. There’s just so much nuance and emotion that you can only really add with the benefit of voice-acting and artistic direction. They work as well as they could in the format they’re in, but it’s hard not to notice stuff like how in the performance of Nozarashi we get later in the volume, the part where Yakumo adopts the feminine role in the story is subtle enough, and happens fast enough, that you might not even consciously notice it unless you’re paying attention, whereas in the anime it’s impossible not to notice his complete change in demeanour and confidence.

On a [kind of] more negative note, although the final part of this volume is still one of my favourite parts of the whole story, it still includes some of the content that shows of Kikuhiko’s more obnoxious and, to be blunt, sexist side. I still really don’t like the scene where he cuts Konatsu’s hair and explains ‘the role of women in the theater’ to her. Mostly just because it feels like the narrative is framing what he says as being totally normal and reasonable in and of itself, and not simply an artifact of traditional values. It’s certainly realistic to how people thought back then [and, well, still do, in a lot of ways], but the whole ‘yeah, the woman’s role is just to look nice and be on display for the hard-working, male rakugo performers’ part still rubs me the wrong way. There’s a lot of interesting conversations to be had about how things like gender roles play into Kikuhiko’s character, but even though he’s still a sympathetic person, you still gotta admit that he’s got some awkwardly traditional values about things like this. And as we saw even just in volume one, these are values that he holds onto for basically his entire life.

I have a whole lot of complicated feelings toward Sukeroku around this part in the story. On the one hand he’s incredibly sympathetic, I support his values in how he approaches art and how he thinks society should adopt to change, but he’s still the sort of person I probably wouldn’t like being around in real life, and, similarly to the whole deal with Miyokichi, I just hate seeing a parent actively refuse work while indirectly making their young child work to provide for the family. It’s just an uncomfortable situation all around.

But on the flip side, I still love the way the story handles and portrays Kikuhiko’s own complex feelings towards him. Their whole dynamic is one of the more engaging parts of the whole story. The balancing act of love, hatred, respect, envy, condemnation, and idolization is fascinating to watch unfold.

I’m pretty sure that the next volume will cover the rest of this whole flashback story arc, and the first chapter of what would be adapted in the second season of the anime, so I’m looking forward to that. I’ve been very curious for a while now to see how the climax of this arc gets handled in the manga.

On another note, I still really like how the manga volumes have informative bonus chapters at the back that talk about different parts of the rakugo industry. It’s a nice little extra that you didn’t really get in the anime. This volume’s bonus was pretty interesting, since they never really point out or place much emphasis on the tengui hand towels in the story in general, so it was pretty nice to learn about what they’re used for, and how they’re made.

Also, as one final note, I still get tripped up at times by the general differences in translation philosophy between the manga and the anime. Neither are really better or worse, they’re just different enough that it’s kinda weird at times. As I’ve said, they don’t translate most of the industry terms, but they translate the names of the performances, which continues to throw me off immensely, but there’s also certain lines of dialogue and narration that are just translated slightly differently than they were in the anime, which is fine, but still. I can’t really remember if it’s actually any different, but I appreciated how near the end of the volume, when he’s talking about all of his complicated feelings for Sukeroku, Kikuhiko explicitly says ‘but sometimes I loved you’. Though on the flip side, I wasn’t a huge fan of how they translated one of Miyokichi’s lines to Sukeroku in regards to Kikuhiko as ‘doesn’t he like women?’, instead of ‘does he even like women?’. It’s a subtle difference, but I just preferred the latter translation of that line. It’s not really a major complaint or anything, though. I can’t expect the translation to be exactly the same.

Anyway, all in all I feel like I’m enjoying my time with this manga more as it goes on, even if it might not sound like it. I’m just getting more used to it, and figuring out how to take it as it’s own thing with it’s own merits. Either way, I’m still going to collect the rest of the series as it comes out in English, and I’ll probably keep writing about it. I think that when we get into the second half of the series, I’ll probably have more to talk about, since I think the anime skims over the second half a bit more than the first half, so there might be more ‘original content’ in it.

[seven--eyes]

I literally wrote this over a span of about 10 hours over 3 days with 0 plan. its just a lot of dialogue with no plan, just crackhead energy and a lot of romantic subtext. anyways enjoy

I brought back my drink to the bar after a swallow of it. I clicked my claw against it, twitching my ear at the sensation of it’s ring. Hoping somehow, somewhere, I’d know what to say. And by an act of the sea gods, wouldn’t say it in the worst possible manner.

Perhaps my prayer had come true, as Seosul started speaking first. Hopefully without noticing how nervous I suddenly felt. “Anyway, what is all this about your old days?” She asked. 

Oh fuck. Damn it you useless sea gods, why’d you make me talk about this? I grinned wide and tried to laugh off my inhibitions, immediately chiming in, “One half of the good old days includes piracy, weapon and resource smuggling, theft or vandalism of government property, some politically related homicides, and a hell of a lot of unresolved, sexual tension. The other half of it is why I’m actually so notorious.” I gestured my hand out, waiting for the joke to land. It didn’t.  Because halfway through that, the bartender jolted and froze up. They very uncomfortably starting inching away at the mention of unresolved sexual tension. Prude. Seosul had a similar expression.

Captain tilted her head. “Is… Is that a joke or is there something worse than felony charges?” 

“All good humor is rooted in the truth.” 

“How the hell did Mr. Sparrow get around to hiring you?” She whispered, shooting me a look of deep fascination.

I shrugged my shoulders. “The Admiral is a good man, practically a miracle worker.” I mindlessly bounced my knee once I started getting into the conversation. “-But to be fair, most of my enemies and legal matters are in Eden. Pretty much the only enemies I ever made here at home is the Manta, and if they try to uproot the shitty things I have done, they consequently out themselves as well. So, checkmate.” 

Anchor switched the leg she folded over the other. She swung it gently. “It’s not like kingsguard care about anything outside royal walls or not arcane,” she rolled her eyes, then brushed lose strands of hair behind her ear. 

“It’s not like the Manta is intimidated by a single skinny street rat, either.” 

“-Or abiding by the laws and characters that make them less money,” she added again, mumbling into her cup. 

“It’s a good thing you make them a lot of money.” 

...Okay fuck, now that joke definitely didn’t land. She furrowed her brow and didn’t look me in the face. I swallowed damn hard. Then the silence fell, again. Fuck. I could swear I was slowly snapping this stool leg in half with how many bounces off the heel I wore into it. 

Anchor gulped down her drink way too quickly for how expensive that shit is. She grimaced. Then set her glass down, having enough of it’s bitterness. Maybe having enough of me, already. “I remember saying that was enough work talk.” 

“O-oh. Oh, yeah no I- yeah you’re right.” 

Her expression didn’t change. Sipian that wasn’t enough. That definitely wasn’t satisfying enough of an apology. Samael, say something quick. You dumbass, fix it. Look at her you killed the fucking mood. Bring the mood back you little street rat. 

“Sorry, uhh- Sorry, I hit a nerve, didn’t I?” 

She waved her hand. She blinked a few times and propped up her chin with her knuckles as though to shake off, if not outright try to forget, my inappropriate comment. Strangely enough, she didn’t say anything. Didn’t fight back the truth of my statement in any way. Something deep in her expression said she knew she couldn’t fight it.

I could feel my face going red. A tangle of words gathering my throat and weighing down my chest like a stone. I spoke before it could keep me down, “Soooo, uhh, So hah- I- do you? D-do have a uh, a,” I awkwardly coughed in the middle, “Do you have.. Are you- Did you have a good old days?” Anchor glanced to me, as though the question pulled her back into engaging with me. “You know, b-before I uh, before I got here.” 

Thank the gods; she actually chuckled at a thought she kept to herself. “Not really. I was always a good kid. Striving to be excellent at everything I did.” 

“Oh, I believe that,” I mumbled to the side. But completely intending for her to hear. Trying to make her laugh again.

Captain moved her hand from her face. She reached for her drink, but without the intent to lose herself in it this time. “I have a lot of family in the kingsguard. Like, just about all of’em became bootlickers, or the boots to lick. But my family’s competitive and narcissistic.” 

“I see… Neither of those things in you.” 

“You either become what people want you to be, or the exact opposite of it.” 

I did the math. “So, your family hates you for becoming the other?” 

She grinned as though that was the right answer. It really shouldn’t have been; but it seems I had hit the nail on the head. “Not quite disowned or removed from the family. Just,” Seosul paused, and stuttered, trying to capture just how she felt about the so-called good old days. “...Just, um, the kind that says they’re proud of me and… Asks all the questions. Make all the double-edged comments. Invites me to all the weddings and gatherings. Because if they were to disown me or outright disrespect me, that puts them in the wrong. That makes them intolerant and unloving of me; the other. They have to always be right. They always have to have the high ground.” 

I didn’t notice at first but somewhere in there, I had stopped tapping my heel to the back of the stool. I scoffed. “Do you go? I mean who gives a fuck about the king’s dogs?” 

“I do see them only when I have to. They never see me, because I don’t invite them. But I still care about some of my little ankle-biter siblings.” 

My eyes drifted around the room. “Imagine that.” 

“Do you have siblings?” 

I gave her a look and slump of the shoulders that should have communicated everything. I tightened the grip of my drink, thinking to myself if I wanted to drown out my thoughts just at Captain wanted. But if she had restraint, so did I. “Not that I… Not that I know of.”

She leaned back and shuffled her legs. “Oh yeah, your mother, she’s in the uhh, pleasure- she was a… Yeah.” She squirmed like she had said the wrong thing. I could tell, she was the one bouncing her leg now. Her hand moved to her hair, pretending like she was fixing it’s appearance.

“A prostitute. You can say prostitute.” 

Seosul’s eyes filled with a precise dismay. I’d never seen so much emotion shift through her in a span of ten seconds. “A prostitute, yes.” 

In hindsight, I didn’t quite mean to stare at her like I did. I just locked eyes with her. Trying to figure out why the mention of my mother made her so… Uncomfortable. I doubt its because her mom was also a prostitute. Maybe it was because of me? But this is frankly the most tame conversation I’ve held with Captain in a long time. As the thoughts ran through my mind. I absentmindedly held my glass to the bartender- who was still terrified of me and my sexual tension- to refill. Seosul looked as though she deeply envied the bartender as they fled my immediate vicinity. Her posture shifted as though the fleeting hope of escape left with that busy employee. 

She chuckled once. “Did I say something in poor taste?”

“What? No, why would you think that? I just want to get fucked up.” 

Her confusion broke into surprise. “I- so you don’t- That’s just fine to talk about?” 

I made the same long uuuhhhhhh noise she did a few minutes before. This time not out of awkward conversation, though. I just don’t know how to make clever replies. “Yeah. It is.” I bared my teeth in a laugh. “I mean, you just said you could handle my history. You have been my Captain for a long ass time, hell you, Valor, and way too many privates have seen my ass, why does my mom being a prostitute make you bristle like a cat stepping in a puddle?” 

“Usually, people don’t sell their bodies when they’re well off.” 

“No, they don’t. My mom wasn’t well off.” I could tell that was not enough to add to the conversation, so I went on. “But she loved me like I was the center of the universe. Like I was gift straight from the gods themselves.” 

“It shows,” she mumbled. 

“It-a-what now?” 

“I said it shows,” she shrugged, finally engaging once more. She found a bit more power and confidence in her voice. As though what she was saying was deeply true, thus she said it without a stutter. “You have a lot of love to give. Like your mother.” 

I snorted, nearly sending a sip of liquor back out my nose or choking it down my throat. I propped my elbow onto my knee, angling my head back and to the side. Like I was presenting the line down my jugular to the collarbone, and inviting her to take a bite. My eyes sharpened and my brow eased. “I do have a lot of love to give,” I purred, putting on the deepest, stupidest smirk I’ve ever made in my life. 

Hook, line and sinker. Seosul gasped, held her breath... Then broke out into a laugh, reaching for her face to calm herself. “That’s not what I meant, come on! I meant you’re sweet!” 

I tilted my head to the other side like I was sizing her up. “I do taste very sweet,” I slyly commented again. Suggestive comments; the only thing I was good at, finally got the best laugh out of Captain tonight. 

“Sameal!”

That was enough of the sexy side eye for Captain. At least for…. Wait no. Nope, not completing that thought. I waved my hand, signaling to her I wouldn’t make another comment and she was safe now. She huffed heavily, relieved. I couldn’t help plastering a huge, proud grin across my face. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I had to.” I finally caught my breath. Looked into my glass. Then downed way too much of it in one gulp again. “H-hahh, oh fuck. Thank you though. No one really says that to me.” 

I felt a twinge of pain in the last of her chuckles. A slight melancholic sigh as something so special slipped from her lips. The stone-cold professional in her wanted a break. So, her smirk shifted into a smile. She decided then that the next thing to pass her lips was a drink. 

.

For the next few hours of the early evening, we quickly finished off our small simple glasses of unforgettable whatever. We questioned which was the best and fanciest drink to get, after. She settled on a minty mojito, requesting a bit more white rum than she probably should have had, in hindsight. A short drink with a deep taste, when you were a sailor trying to get drunk. I settled on a big, fancy, fruity, and probably way over priced margarita. Seosul asked me ‘isn’t that a woman’s drink?’ in a joking tone when I mumbled the name the Sweet’n’Sour Fusion Margarita. I was gonna promptly tell her to fuck off, but when the glass made it’s way in front of me all colorful in deep oranges and reds, I saw Seosul wishing she could have a sip. If I’m gonna be paying money to get fucked up, I might as well get a glorified smoothie while I do it. I might as well enjoy myself. I paid the check for the both of us, because if I were a gentleman that’s the kind of thing I imagine they do. But oh god, did seeing how much that glorified smoothie cost out of my wallet punch me in throat. No pain that the drinks couldn’t fix, though! 

We hung around the Deep Serpent a while longer. The hint of alcohol and a wish to have a fun night somehow brought down the walls and introduced us to the rest of the place. I pulled some folks into a bet that whoever won a short poker game would get their next round of drinks paid for. And when happy hour was over, and dwarven folks had their deep glasses of foaming beer and cider low, it was an offer they couldn’t refuse. As expected I folded fucking immediately. Too much pressure. Too many eyes on me that were expecting me to be smart. But I wasn’t who I had my bets on. 

Seosul was as cool as a cucumber. Even as her face glowed a gentle red and the evening got darker in contrast, all she did was take off her coat and pull up a chair. She had shifted into serious-mode now, and it took more than threat of buying for drunken dwarves to waver her. 

I sat behind her the majority of the game. Eyeing her strategy, acting like I was learning something. Twirling my fruity drink around with a flick of my wrist like a middle class and middle aged divorced woman, noble mother of 3 king’s dogs. “Oh, you sly dog.” I couldn’t help but comment unprompted, thinking about literal dogs in golden armor. 

“You’re distracting me.” 

I chuckled, leaning back onto the two legs of my chair. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.” 

I watched the game of cards unfold, or fold, hell I had forgotten what they were playing at some point. All I can clearly remember at how good my drink was. Somewhere between finishing the drink and licking all the salt around the rim, everyone tossed their hand of cards to the table and glanced to each other’s. I rotated my head around to read each batch. I found myself wondering whether an ace was higher than a king or not. But what I do remember is that one of the dwarves took his cards, grabbed his buddy’s glass, and shoved his cards into his half-full mug. 

“I told you this was a terrible idea!” the dwarf barked. I smirked when he flicked his furry hand free of the ale. And the cards. 

Seosul giggled all giddy and full of pep as she scooped up the pot of gold in the middle of the table. “Oohoh, yeah. Sam, can you get me one of those sweet’n’sour things?”

As she turned to me to speak, she caught me right in the worst possible position with the glass and my tongue pressed up against the broad side of it. I lapped up the salt. Acting like nothing was wrong. “Um. Sure, but I kinda spent all my- holy shit!” I nearly dropped my glass trying to catch the coins Seosul shoved towards me. I fumbled with them for a second. I counted, then recounted. She’d given me back double what I’d paid at the bar. I think I scrambled to and from the card table faster than a recoiling rubber band. 

“Thank you! And thank you, fellas.” Anchor pinched her index and thumb finger around the stem. She instinctively reached out for me after she pocketed the rest of the gold pieces. Then she stood up. “Have a great evening.”

I clutched her palm now that I had it. My heart dropped and so did my sense of balance. As she stood up towards me, I wavered backward in the other direction before I could decide against it. My claws dug into the table as I fell- digging splinters into my palm and pulling the entire thing topside. Drinks went everywhere. Even Seosul tried to catch the front of my shirt- missing! I swiped for hers and caught it by the tip of the claw. I couldn’t help trying to pull myself to my feet. The sudden yank made her lurch forward. So far forward, she bent at the hip, trying to keep her balance. I saw out of the corner of my eye that she didn’t fail to keep her drink upright, but I was peering through the strands of her hair.

I blinked. I locked my jaw, biting down so far into my own teeth, I could feel them shatter any moment. Captain had her face right up to mine. Her arctic blue hair dangling around the side of me like blinders. Those fancy, piercing sunlight eyes widened. Frozen for just a moment. As was I. She was even more enchanting up close.

“Um.” Seosul finally said, her voice clear and true, despite the angry dwarves just beyond the locks of her hair. She cleared her throat. Like she didn’t know what to say after the ‘um.’ Captain hovered her hand over my chest- and my lungs pressed in anticipation- and forced me to stand.  “My margarita,” she complained, “Sam, um, you should… Watch where you’re going.” 

My elbow felt like it was stuck into place, and needed some grease to set it free of the rust. I tried to breathe, and was a little too surprised to think about what I was saying, but what I came up with was, “I was watching where I was going, and where I was going had you on the other side.”

“Aww, ouch, Sam.” 

Fuck, Sipian you did it again, fuck dude fix it! “No- I- That’s a good thing! Hell I’d want you sweeping me off my feet instead of Gantu or big man Sparrow!” Too much fixing Sipian, too much!!

Seosul just mumbled a confused, ‘what in the great hell,’ as she stepped out of the puddles of ale and kicked her boot. The dwarves behind her, empty pockets still fresh, collectively roared more loudly than the blast of a cannon at point blank. “Hey, if you’re tryin’a harpoon the girl, just do it away from us, and make sure you’re the one on top!” One called out. “Err if you’re skinny all over, let a real man do some logging!” A second guy said. The rest of the dwarves guffawed to each other, slapping their leather armor knees or the shoulder of the lad beside them. Another pointed out how red my face had flushed out. Suddenly, they laughed harder at me than at objectifying women. So that was… a plus? I knew how to be laughed at. But Seosul...

“Excuse me?!” Captain snarled. She turned on the ball of her heel quick. I instinctively snapped to attention when I heard her tone like that, and somehow so did the dwarves. She gave them a side eye, deciding that was enough of a threat. God, I wish that were me. She batted her eyelashes a few times, cooling off. “Maybe we should go.” 

I still felt like my whole body was jammed up, my bones lodging into place and refusing to move. Even as my now drenched pants from the thigh down made my fucking shirt-stays stick to the inside of my thigh, I was rendered immobile. “Okay.” 

The woman took her coat from the chair, flicked her hair and head back, then moved to the door. When I didn’t first follow, she stopped. She came back a few steps. She hooked her arm around mine; the frozen one. Her pulling felt like a deep sting as my muscles eventually moved, but the farther along the room I got, the more decided I liked it. We stepped outside. The clamor and partying of the Deep Serpent died down when a wall stood between me and them. 

“Seosul, your-”

“What?” She snapped, a little too quick and stern. She breathed in one more time, then corrected herself. Her tone lowered. “What..?” 

“Your glass.” I raised a brow to her. Shooting a glance between her and the untouched margarita. 

“Damn. Hang on, let me go back and apologize and-” 

“No,” I protested. “Keep it. It’s your drink and a funny souvenir.” 

Seosul gave me the look. The expression she always has when I say something dumb. This time though, it softened. This time, she actually did something a goody-two-shoes Admiral of the fleet wouldn’t do. As calm took her over, her shoulders dropped and her shoulder width stance buckled into a feminine poise. Without another thought, she tasted the overpriced, fruity Sweet’N’Sour Fusion Margarita.

I grinned, facing the open night air. Welcoming it against my still burning face. “I’ll make some street reputation- no, notoriety out of you yet.” 

Her lips pulled into a smile. Rolling her eyes, as though she was signaling to me that I really wasn’t. “Is that what you were trying to do, here?” 

She caught me off guard. “What do you mean; Make you notorious? No. Not unless you want me to, that is.” 

“No, silly. I mean,” she drawled on, her tone annoyed but her sly smile the opposite.  “Were you trying to bend me over the barrel?” 

Oh, by the sea. No amount of overpriced, fruity, sweet’n’sour adult drinks could have numbed the punch in the gut that question carried. My tongue worked faster than my respect. For myself and for her. “What do you mean?! Bend yo- No! I mean, no that wasn’t why. At all.” Seosul’s eyes squinted upward, listening closely. She didn’t seem satisfied as she took another sip. So my tongue worked faster. “I never would do that, ever. That’s fucked up, and not the good kind of getting fucked up. I would never do that to you, you’re my- our Captain! Or to anybody. N-not really,” 

And then the pressure built in my chest to the point I couldn’t bite it down;

“Not unless you want me to.” 

I saw the grip on her drink squeeze. My hands flew to my mouth to cover them, and her eyes followed me. Her head tilted up. That was what surprise looked like on a person like Seosul. Her voice hushed in a way I had never heard before. “Sameal, I-…” She brought her glass back to her mouth, but hesitated and lowered it as though the mere smell of it deterred her. She repeated, “unless I want you to,” pondering quietly to herself.

“I didn’t mean that.” I blurted out and regretted it. “I mean, I do mean that. But not precisely in that way! I didn’t ask you out to get you drunk enough to have sex with me. I would never drink with somebody to hurt them.” I continued, regretting it but still going. “But it’s like, that wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen with you. W-without the liquor.”

“You were doing pretty good until that last part.”

“Come on, Captain. Look at me, I’m not exactly anyone’s first choice,” I chuckled, gesturing to myself. Hoping that might’ve been enough joke with too much truth.

“Samael.” She purred my name. Softer and more calm than everything she whispered before tonight. “You’re sweet. I’m thankful I got to know you more closely tonight. But we’re two very different people. I’m getting promoted tomorrow, and you know how fraternization, um, muddies the waters.” 

“I know that.” 

She took a few steps from the Deep Serpent door, into the night street. I followed like I had to. “Then you should already know what I think about that.” 

Something in my heart was brave enough to word what I believed. Maybe it was the liquor, maybe it was the adrenaline, maybe it was how her frame seemed to glow in the moonlight. Hell maybe it was the fucking shirt stays. “I… I know what you should think, but not what you actually think.” 

Her faced angled. “Two sides of the same coin.” Seosul gently nudged her half full glass into my hands. She rolled her shoulders back, pushing her hands down the sleeves. She buttoned it all the way to the top while she spoke. Even the top ones. “I care a lot about the crew. I care a lot about the branch, and about you. Which is why what I actually think doesn’t matter.” 

Every word she tacked on added more heaviness in my heart and weakness in my knees. I couldn’t help but look away from her, as much as I wanted to honestly see her. I felt her step forward, closing the gap between us. She didn’t force my attention or to move. But I could tell how close she was regardless of how deeply I focused on the pavement between my toes. I smelled the slight hint of mint on her. 

“Can I get a taste of that sweet’n’salty Sipian?” 

“I… what? Sweet’n... S-sure,” I agreed, reflexively moving my hands to give her back the margarita. Before I could get back it into her palm, she slipped her hands around my neck and below my jaw. Her thumb greatly suggested my head to raise with a small press, and when I did she leaned in to kiss me.

Captain closed her eyes, I could hardly decipher through her heavy bangs. She slid her lips across mine, teasing the smallest peck of a kiss. But when I registered the taste and aroma of her, I opened my mouth and slicked my tongue across her bottom lip, circling back into her slow smooch. Even someone as stone cold as Captain Anchor didn’t resist that. She hung around for a moment longer. Inevitably, she gasped faintly when we separated. She blinked a few times, leaning back and standing up tall. Then she tucked her hands back into her own bubble. I immediately yearned for the warmth of them.   

I didn’t ask any questions. Seosul then took her glass, without a word. Only with an exchange of glances. Like she was commenting, ‘thanks for the taste.’ As she fixed her bangs and turned to leave, I felt my muscles tightening again. Like a fight or flight response, but both of them at once, so I just froze. Haven’t a clue for how long. All I knew in that moment is that I wanted some more of that mint. And some more of Admiral. 

...I can get more mojitos. 

.

I strode home in my sticky, half-drenched dress pants with my sticky, half-drunk self. I stuck my hands far into the pockets. Feeling some of the leftover gold she gave me. And I took my hands back out. The walk home was painstaking, but it was less painful that desperately calling Malphas Heat at what the fuck in the morning. I wandered the explorer base and in the courtyard. Lingering for a few minutes too long, because I wanted nothing less than the morning to come. I made it to the barracks. Found the first available, sorta clean bunk. I pulled myself into it. Sleep. Close your eyes. Stop breathing so much. Okay fuck, wait, take the pants off. Take the shirt stays off. Okay. Now we’re talkin’. Sleep. 

Just sleep it off.

[eyeliketwowatch]

The ‘Up’ Series : Seven Up, 14 Up, 21 Up, 28 Up, 35 Up, 42 Up, 49 Up, 56 Up - A Surreal Experience if Binged in One Sitting

First rented one of the videos in this series several years ago from the library, and then, this spring, me and my wife sat down to watch the entire sequence this past winter. I wrote several reviews for Spout at the time, and I'll collect them all here in this posting:

March 10, after watching 49 Up:

Over the past month, my wife and I have been watching this series from the beginning thanks to the box set. Last night we got completely caught up by watching the latest installment, 49 Up. (search my previous blogs for a more comprehensive overview of the previous films, all conveniently located in a single filmblog). Simply put, one of the most moving and fascinating documentaries I have seen in years. While there is a lot of repetition from film to film (unavoidable really, when you have to recapsulate each of the subjects lives from age 7), it is still worthwhile to revisit the old familar clips, which more often than not, either get more meaningful over the years, or more revealing of each of the character's personalities, or make interesting contrasts with the changes that each of them go through. How Neil remarks quite innocently when he is seven and fourteen how he wishes to be a 'coach driver' and travel all over the countryside and tell the people on his bus what sights they are seeing, and to see him as an adult, and in an abstract way, this is precisely what he has become with his political work, and in a way, through this documentary. One of the more interesting segments of this most recent film I thought, was the discussion that Jackie has with the director about how she has been portrayed throughout the series, and the director's expectations of how he thought she would turn out. Also included on the disc is an interesting interview with the director where he discusses the series as a whole, the inevitable topic of death in future installments (either one of the subjects, or even possibly Apted himself), and the different reactions people have to the series, whether they have grown up with it over the years, or have digested the entire series in a short span of time thanks to the dvd collection (a topic I have mulled over quite often while watching it the past month). Next one is due sometime in 2011, looking forward to catching up with my old friends (and odd how you feel that way, even though I've known them now only about a month at the most)

February 24, after watching the collected Seven Up through 42 Up box set:

Picked up a compilation disc of the 'Up Series' (includes through 42 Up) at the library yesterday afternoon. This is a series I'd long wanted to watch in its entirety. I'd seen bits and pieces of some of the later ones before, and it always intrigued me. Yesterday evening and afternoon we watched the first two entries (Seven Up and 7 Plus Seven), and hope to watch the remaining episodes over the next week or so.

Very interesting, especially the contrasts among the different classes and upbringing, the differing attitudes towards wealth and life goals, love, education, hopes and dreams. Some of the kids you will take a liking too (I'm already quite fond of Tony the boy who wants to be a jockey), and some you will take a dislike to, others you will be puzzled by, and some you will worry about where they are headed in life.

Fascinating idea of checking in on the same kids every seven years, I have noticed in my own life how the seven year cycle seems to bring distinct changes. These kids are roughly five years older than I am, so their experience is really not so removed from my own (aside from the different country of origin).

I imagine it was a quite different experience in viewing these documentaries as they were released, a feeling of revisiting old friends to see how they were 'getting on'. I've read that many of the subjects become quite well known in the U.K. to the point where some of them have dropped out of the project due to the unease with the public scrutiny of their lives. (frankly, speaking for myself, this is my biggest antagonistic attitude towards 'high school reunions', being a rather private person). Viewing them back to back like I am doing, however, gives one a very melancholy feeling of time passing much too quickly.

The 7 Plus Seven documentary catches up with the kids at 14. A few are starting to get very self concious about the camera, some in an uncomfortably shy way, and a few of them in almost a self serving way, very aware at this young age how they are being perceived and worried about appearances. Tony has started training to be a jockey, some of the upper crust chaps are preparing for higher education and careers in law and politics - Neil and Suzy seemed the most uncomfortable with being filmed (I read later that Suzy's parents had just gotten divorced, which may explain her attitude) and I'm really starting to worry about Neil (perhaps it is because I had a glimpse of his future in one later episode I had seen).

Fascinating stuff, well worth your time.

Addendum: Watched 21 Up this morning. Still pretty interesting stuff. I was confusing Neil with Nick (from my spotty memory of having watched one of the later episodes before). Tony's dreams of being jockey have died after three races, and he seems to accept his fate with a shrug and a toss of the head, now he looks forward to getting his taxi license, and has an interesting attitude towards life in general "be a pest, and eventually you'll get what you want just because people are sick of you". Neil seems to be starting to drift a bit. John continues to become more and more of a snobbish prig and sheltered wealthy suburbanite Suzy remains an enigma. Two of the trio of public school girls (Jackie Lynn and Sue) are already married and starting to settle down. I'm reminded of myself at that age, arriving at 'adulthood', but would still not know any sort of real direction for another ten years.

Addendum Again: Continuing to catch "up" with the 14 children this evening with 28 Up. This was the longest of the films so far. Interesting how each of them, despite their differences in goals and expectations and present situations, for the most part, seem quite content with their lot, as I suppose we all are to a certain extent. A mixture of regret and resignation and rationalization in equal parts. Starting to find myself looking back at my own (and my wife's) lives at each of these arbitrary turning points, where I was at 7, at 14, at 21, at 28 (or for that matter, my son has passed two of the milestones already, and is rapidly approaching the third, talk about time passing much too quickly), and the recurring questions that keep popping up in the series : "Can you see in the person you eventually turn out to be in the child?" "Where do you see yourself in seven years?" "Do you envy those who had more advantages than you did?" . . . A lot to chew over.

And Again: Having an 'Up' marathon this weekend (Library discs are 'one week rentals', so want to fit them all in before the deadline). Watched 35 Up on Sunday afternoon before the oscars. On one hand, seeing the same clips over and over from previous shows gets a little tiresome when you are watching them back to back like we are doing, although if I were to skip over them to get to the 'present day' I'd be missing a lot of interesting juxtaposition. We always start out with Tony, still a cabbie, part time actor with modest goals and ambitions, and some interesting revelations this time. You wonder if he and his wife are sticking together for the sake of the program or for the kids. You also wonder if he would have taken up acting if he hadn't been involved in this project, and so obviously enjoying the limelight - . . . . John returns after skipping the last segment, and he hasn't gotten any less annoying. His pleas for 'the unfortunates in Bulgaria' seem very self serving ("Look at me with all these poor people"), like a politician or celebrity with a pet cause. He's obviously done well in the Thatcher years. . . and in direct contrast, Bruce, while much less flamboyant and charismatic, seems to be truly making a difference with the less fortunate on a more personal level. . . . Neil still is struggling with poverty and mental difficulties, although he seems to be making strides in finding a niche for himself in local theatrical productions . . . Notably absent is Peter in this segment, and Symon (although Symon will be back in 42 Up) . . . Suzy remains sheltered and out of touch but pays lip service to wanting her children to 'get a wider view of the world' but I somehow don't believe they will end up any different. . . Nick still lives in Wisconsin, and seems to be pretty well adjusted overall, and in this episode gives us a little more glimpse behind the mask than he has in previous chapters. There seem to be a lot of tears in this one, a lot of parents passing away, missed opportunities, regrets. Par for the course at this age I suppose.

And Again: Watched 42 Up yesterday evening (DVD series is due back to the library tomorrow). Still a lot of 'rehashing' of old clips, although they do try to edit them a bit more this time. Some very interesting connections to what the kids say in the first couple sessions to how their lives eventually turned out. A nice surprise about Neil (its the last segment, and I won't spoil it for those that haven't seen it, but it is the best part of the whole series I thought). Symon returns in this episode, Paul is gone again, Peter is still missing. Some of the participants are looking sort of tired of the whole project, while others seem to really enjoy participating in it. I probably would have ended up being one of the 'drop outs' if I had the misfortune of being dragged into it at seven years of age. Regardless, it has been an interesting series of documentaries. Looking forward to catching up with these folks in the next film.

UPDATE 2013: Caught up with '56 Up' on Netflix streaming sometime in the fall of the year. More and more these documentaries seem less about 'universal truths' of being a certain age, than it is about dealing the whole phenomenon of being a part of this 'Up' series, and the problems that arise from unintended celebrity, and the feeling like you need something 'new to report' each time the documentary crew comes around. I was surprised to see this time that two of the individuals had struck up a friendship (two of the unlikely ones, I thought, Suzy and Nick), and it was a bit discomforting to see the interviewer call Tony on the carpet about his racist comments. Otherwise, it felt nice to catch up, but there weren't too many new things that had happened in the last seven years. Getting nervous about the next one, as I'm sure we'll end up with a few deaths, of either the subjects or the filmmaker, who is getting on in years.

5 Stars

Released 1964, 1970, 1977, 1984, 1991, 1998, 2005, 2013 -- First Viewing: I’m guessing sometime around the mid 90′s with gradual updates since, the latest being in 2013, and it looks as if I’ll be looking for another one around 2020.