#i would've failed so hard lmfao

[cordeliawhohung]

if you don’t mind me asking, what are you in the medical field? i think that’s really cool!!

hello! i don't mind at all!!!

i'm a clinical assistant! also sometimes called a clinicians assistant or CA for short (: when you go to the doctor, we're the people who will take you to your room, maybe take your blood pressure/other vitals and whatnot for the doctor! we're also tasked with cleaning rooms, handling paperwork, and other things, but those are the big parts!

i'm also trained to do front desk stuff as well, as in handle insurance stuff and patient intake paperwork (which i hate both of these so much and would literally much rather clean blood out of bed sheets lmfao)

i'm currently working here to save up to go back to school (thanks covid) to get a degree to be a radiology technician (: if all goes well, i can specialize in targeted radiation therapy and work for an oncologist, or maybe i'll just be a traveling rad tech and end up in europe somewhere which would be dope.

anyway this turned into a bit of a ramble but uh yeah (: thanks for the question! i'd love to dive into more medical stuff if anyone's curious!

[gayforrenee]

My ratings on how emotional some of my favorite EAH duos would make me if they played marbles (the thing from Squid Game!!!) (also I just kind of want to give everyone my take on how I think it would all happen and who would die)

Before I go any further, mb for just dipping on y'all. I just left the EAH fandom and then got back into it. And I actually HAVE started writing All I Want again (weird that it was so sudden but whatever)

This is from the least emotional (still cry-worthy fs tho) to the most emotional (literally screaming and sobbing). 1 and 2 are actually tied because I couldn't decide which was worse. I struggled rlly bad on some of these so just because I put one higher doesn't mean I wouldn't fucking lose my mind for the lower one

8. Daring/Rosabella

Y'all. I'm sorry. I do love them. Don't get me wrong. They're just at the bottom. They were actually the only duo that I was even close to being sure about. I genuinely like them and if they had to play, I would be shedding tears. I feel like a lot of people would instantly go for Rosabella because of her like savior type of attitude sometimes, but I'm gonna be fr with y'all. I think Daring would actually lose. I think he would find a way around letting her lose. I know he's made out to be selfish sm, but then in the last season he kind of has that redemption arc and I actually start to like him. I think that Rosabella would try to fool him into winning, but he would possibly see through her playing with him and end up ultimately losing. It would definitely be emotional, but I feel like he would take it bravely. That might not be quite the right word, but I can't think of another good one rn so whatever.

Survivor: Rosabella

7. Darling/Daring

I KNOW. COME AT ME. This one would definitely be rough. The first thing I thought of when I saw this was that Daring would try to be the brother in the situation. He would try to protect, but I think he would fail. Darling can do anything she puts her mind to, and if she really wanted herself to lose, she would make it happen. That's just the tea y'all. I feel like there would be a moment where it looks like Daring's going to lose, and then Darling swoops in and takes that spot right out from under him. I think he would be really hurt, and I think he would feel a lot of guilt afterwards because he let that happen to his sister. There's a possibility that it could be him instead of her, which would take the path of him acting like the brother and taking the fall for her, but I just feel like she would end up losing.

Survivor: Daring

6. Cupid/Blondie

People don't talk about this ship enough, so I'm going to. Anyway, I love them. I think they're adorable and would've made a great couple. Thinking about them playing the marble game makes me want to kms bc I think it would constantly be them going back and forth and trying to get the other to take their marbles. I think Blondie would eventually convince Cupid that she needs to lose and not Cupid, and despite Cupid trying to beg her not to, Blondie lets Cupid take her marbles and she loses. It would honestly be hard to watch even though I have it at six. I would for sure cry a lot, and it would be really heartfelt. They're both just so soft when you take away their sassy and sarcastic moments. One of my favorite underrated ships.

Survivor: Cupid

5. Holly/Poppy

Just want to say how much I love these two. I love their personalities and just everything about them. I do feel like both would try to save the other. Again, it would be a back and forth battle between who's going to lose. I think that Poppy would end up being the one to lose. Holly would just give up because she sees that she's getting nowhere with Poppy. It would be extremely bittersweet and she would be nonstop crying. She would try to reason with her, but it wouldn't work. Poppy would be determined to let Holly live, so she would let herself lose.

Survivor: Holly

A/N: Here's the good shit y'all. Everyone is going to fucking HATE me. I'm so sorry in advance. My imagination really said fuck you once I got to like 3.

4. Apple/Raven

...

So. I feel like it would be giving Dragon Games LMFAO. No bc like it would be super angsty and sad. They would be fighting for each other to survive until the very end. There would be a lot of tears and a lot of just meltdowns over it. Despite the whole thing about how Raven is portrayed as the more selfless one in the friendship, I'm just gonna say it rn. Apple stopped being selfish (... only partially because she DID get herself killed to save Raven which only hurt her more but it's fine)

APPLE LOST.

She definitely lost. Raven didn't see it coming, and it just happened. Apple accepted it and that was it. Raven definitely walked away from this with guilt for the rest of her life. She would never be the same. I think she would always feel like a part of her was missing.

Survivor: Raven

3. Darling/Apple

I'll just start by saying that Apple dies. I'll explain why. LET ME EXPLAIN. PLEASE.

My take on this is, of course, that Darling loves Apple more than she will ever realize (literally no fucking shit). Everyone is made to believe that Darling is going to be the one who loses. Even Apple believes this. It makes sense that Darling would be the one to die. She's the knight in the relationship. Literally. Anyway, it just makes sense. How she is would just make complete sense. You're made to think that in the end, it's going to be Darling. It almost is. Apple really has her mind set on it being herself, but she just has a feeling that it'll be Darling. She thinks that Darling is going to find a way to lose her marbles. Then they start to get close to the end, and it clicks in Apple's mind that she can't let Darling die. She refuses to let her go. So she does what any good girlfriend would do.

Apple lets Darling get all of her marbles before Darling even realizes what Apple was doing. The minute that Darling has Apple's last marble, she just stares at her. I think she would silent cry and Apple would try to be optimistic. It would be so fucking emotional. I don't know how well I would handle it.

Survivor: Darling

2. Maddie/Raven

Banging my head against a wall because the way I would cry. I feel like everyone knows who would die. Let's just be fr. It's Maddie. Y'all can come at me, but it's Maddie. I know she's like goofy and crazy most of the time, but when it comes down to it, she absolutely loves her friends to the ends of the universe. She would do anything for them. I love her relationship with Raven, and I feel like going into it, Raven would already know that Maddie was going to lose. She would try to deny it, but she would already know. It would be gut feeling that she couldn't shake. She would try to draw the game out so that she had more time with Maddie, but it wouldn't matter because Maddie was going to die sooner or later. I think Maddie would be cracking jokes and trying to make Raven smile until she was finally killed. She would definitely know as well from the beginning that she would be the one. It wouldn't be that Raven didn't want to do it, because she really did, it would just be that Maddie felt like it should be her. Maddie wanted to let Raven live even if meant that she couldn't. This would make me bawl fr.

Survivor: Raven

2. Kitty/Lizzie

I actually just put this one on the list of ships to do, so here we go. This would be super fucking angsty. Both of them love each other a lot and don't want to watch the other one die. They know that one of them will have to die, but they want it to be themselves. It would be horrible to watch because I feel like, and don't get mad because I actually struggled to think about who would die, it would be Lizzie who lost. I can see it being Kitty. I definitely can, BUT, there's just something that makes me believe that it would truly be Lizzie in the end. I think both of them would hold it together for the most part until the end. Kitty would finally win and completely lose her shit. Lizzie would accept her fate but continuously apologize to Kitty for letting this happen. I think Kitty would tell her "it's okay" and just try to make her feel not guilty. Kitty wouldn't come out of this okay at all. I feel like she would actually go insane after watching the love of her life die.

Survivor: Kitty

A/N: GOD I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR DOING THESE LAST TWO. I love y'all but here comes, in my opinion, the ones that would make me want to break shit and kms. They're the full-on mental breakdown ones.

Ashlynn/Briar

I'll start this one by apologizing because I'm going to be dead serious right now. I would literally have a meltdown over this. I wouldn't be able to handle it. Their friendship is wholesome and they love each other so much that it hurts. And for the love of FUCKING GOD I AM SO SORRY BUT ASHLYNN LOSES.

I'm leaving that there.

This one is bad. It's definitely a lot of crying and "I love you's" because who doesn't lose playing a game where one of you has to die and the other has to live with that guilt for the rest of their (very possibly short) life. Briar definitely goes into the game convinced that she's going to do it. She prepares herself the entire time. She loses her mojo a few times because she feels bad that Ashlynn is crying so much and is just an emotional mess. It just reminds her of how Ashlynn would be if Briar actually lost. This one would be hard to watch. I think there would just be constant crying on both sides if I'm being completely honest. I think that everyone would seriously think it's Briar, and then you realize that it's going to be Ashlynn. There would be that moment of "wait, what the fuck did she just do?" It would be gut-churning honestly. Ashlynn was honestly always too nice, and this would be the moment when she needed to not be. Briar would tell her she needed to just let her lose so Ashlynn could walk away from this, but Ashlynn wouldn't want that. I think the second that Briar realized that it wasn't going to be her that lost, she would try to push herself harder to get rid of her marbles. In the end, it would be Ashlynn that got killed. Briar would take it really hard and she would struggle afterwards with the death of her best friend.

Survivor: Briar

A/N: ON GOD THE ONE I'VE BEEN WAITING TO TELL EVERYONE BECAUSE I WANT TO CRY RN THINKING ABT IT

Briar/Faybelle

Shaking. Crying. Screaming. Throwing up. Sobbing.

This would be really bad.

Absolutely fucking horrible to watch.

Writing the part of how this happens, I'm still unsure as to who I'm going to go with on losing, so we'll see as I keep going.

God, this is fucking hard. I can imagine it and I don't want to. It would be super angsty. Like screaming and fighting. A lot of crying. I know Faybelle normally hides all of her emotions on the show and whatever, but this would be that time that she just lets go. Going into the game, they both wanted themselves to die. It's hard to think about because on one hand, you have Briar who is the more soft one in the relationship and wants to let Faybelle survive because she loves her, but then you have Faybelle who feels guilty about how she's treated Briar in the past and she doesn't believe at all that she can continue her life without Briar. It's mostly the latter, but those are just two major points. I think that the idea of the other dying would be the fuel for wanting to lose their own marbles. They would be going back and forth the whole time. I just feel like the angst would be what hurts everyone. It would be so much screaming and crying of how they can't live without the other. We would also see a side of Faybelle that's never even been grazed, and I think that would hurt even more because the fact that Faybelle would let herself act so desperate and be so vulnerable would be an eye-opener. It would be like "oh shit, Faybelle actually fucking loves Briar and literally is about to let herself die just so she can survive." And then you have everything from Briar's pov which is "I can't live without Faybelle so I'm going to lose and she'll learn to live without me. She'll be okay." Both would have similar outlooks on it, but in the end, I genuinely believe that both would die.

Briar would let herself lose first and Faybelle would just fucking lose her mind completely. I think Faybelle would literally be on her knees and begging them to just kill her. If they didn't, she would find a way to do it herself because she can't live without Briar.

Very sob-worthy if you ask me.

Anyway, they both die. End of story. Not really but I don't want to actually write something abt this bc I would cry before I even got one paragraph in

Survivor: Neither bc I'm a bitch

[egg-emperor]

I think Gamma provides precedent for how Eggman treats Sage in Frontiers. He calls Beta Gamma's big brother.

Calling Sage his daughter is definitely a step further but it is still an example of assigning familial roles to his creations.

He says he's proud of Gamma just like he does with Sage

And he says he's counting on Gamma in their last scene together (I find it funny this line is different in the other characters story modes)

I think the thing with Sage is we never get a chance to see her really fail Eggman and how he'd react to that. All the times of Eggman mistreating and dismissing his creations are when they fail him in some way. Sage never does in the story of Frontiers. The closest she gets is this scene where he does still throw a little hissy fit over her suggestion.

IF Sage ever did actually fail Eggman, how would he react? Frontiers simply doesn't answer that question.

I've been thinking so hard about Adventure as one of the prime examples of him treating his creations like shit lol and yeah this is another of the reasons why it bothers me in Frontiers, how they got so close to going in the right direction but playing it up for "the feels" in the English dialogue in particular really changed the context and made it OOC. And how people try to treat the exact same line as "development" of the dynamic in Frontiers, even though he said it in Adventure while still being the biggest bastard ever and still treating them like shit, sparing Gamma only for being useful to him. But the unused mission fail scene shows he would immediately call him a "useless machine" too if he can't deliver, just like he easily harshly discards the rest.

Presentation changes everything, the casual approach works in the way I described for liking Japanese Eggman Frontiers dialogue too. Adventure doesn't treat it as a big deal of "omg Eggman is assigning family roles, he must care!" Because it's very clear when it would make him a terrible "father" as he punishes the E-Series brutally. It just makes it worse, how he's like "this is your brother btw I'm pitting the two of you against each other and throwing away the loser lol :)" then "I'm going to fucking MESS UP all your brothers because they couldn't bring the right frog" and Gamma finds out what he did and is so disturbed and broken he has to kill all of them and himself lmfao

That's why I wouldn't have a problem with Eggman saying Orbot and Cubot are like brothers to Sage, though I can't see him calling them his sons because he can't fucking stand them lol, which would also make him a very bad father if he somehow did. But that's why I also feel saying robots are siblings doesn't always mean he wants to take a blatant father type role. But I also never had a problem with him actually calling himself Metal's daddy because I want him to call himself daddy Archie Eggman was still a twisted bastard around the time they introduced it and continued to be and it was even casual and subtle with IDW Eggman, the way he acts with him as his real self as opposed to Tinker has a nice difference showing it's casual and lacks the same deep care as his real self.

So if they had wanted to introduce it to game canon in a casual way in a similar manner to Archie/IDW, that would've been fine by me. A running joke about how his pride and joy in a creation as a creator can be like the pride a father has in their child doesn't take away from his evil, if you don't frame it in a wholesome or deep sad way that tries to make him seem like he cares for them sincerely. They fucked up when they've got fans acting like he's the next Bowser and even contemplate if he's going to lose his villainy entirely and that's what happens when you try to make it serious and sad for "the feels" that just seem like a "we didn't care to develop this but look this is so sad please cry". As a cheap lazy way to try to get people to like it.

I'd say it's not just when they deliberately fail as he also just has a really short temper and if they say the wrong thing or get in the way, he will insult and hurt them. But yeah when they fail or betray, or even if they just do something that mildly annoys or displeases him, like saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and how he was pissed at the E-Series just for bringing the wrong frog when he still got what he wanted, then he's relentless and punishes them with physical harm, repurposing, discarding, or destroying them. He did get pissed when Sage suggested teaming up with Sonic and about Cyber Space but she was spared because she still seemed useful and she's a particularly impressive creation in terms of being advanced.

Maybe it can stop him from punishing Sage in some circumstances, as I'm sure he would've mistreated and punished other creations for the ways she annoyed him. But sparing her shouldn't imply genuine sincere care, it should be due to still having a use and being an impressive example of advanced skill of creating life in a way he finds far superior as it involves his genius. I'd imagine there has to be some kind of a limit before he snaps and mistreats and punishes like any other if they understand he won't take that lightly, no matter what kind of attachment to level of impressiveness or prior usefulness. Make him see red and tip him over the edge enough and it's over. Can't trust a man with such an explosive temper.

But yeah the way they handled it in Adventure is good and it turns out the Japanese version of his role in Frontiers is careful to keep accuracy to his character too with it being very toned down and feel more casual, so it feels more like him. It shows how they got pretty close with getting it right in the English version too, aside from OOC phrasing in the memos that was changed in the Japanese version despite the memos being one of the only faithfully translated parts (which is really saying something), and those ending scenes that bother me the most, where it was rephrased in the Japanese dialogue in a way that changed the context of them for the better.

Adventure and the Japanese Frontiers' way of handling such a dynamic in any way and amount is how you do it right. It's not that it isn't possible for it to exist at all and still make sense, as they almost acknowledged that well enough in the English version too, except the dialogue was too much there like it wanted it to be much deeper and more sincere on a caring empathetic level. It bothers me as that's obviously just not the kind of guy he is, especially because it actually even contradicts other things he said in the same game that proved that aspect of his character hasn't left or suddenly changed. And the much better differences in the Japanese dialogue also further support that too.

I'd be intrigued to see how much he could take and how far Sage could go before he decides enough is enough. Because any amount of attachment in the dynamic shouldn't be beyond the selfishness of his pride in his creation for being a manifestation of his genius, how impressive and advanced she is to the point of being life-like for the same reason, and for how she can be genuinely useful and competent in fulfilling her function. But disappoint and anger him enough and I think the most believable way for him to react would be to punish her in ways he would with any other creation or completely erase her or something. If not, then it makes sense to keep her around.

[venusandsaturnsrings]

Not sure if the letters are full yet BUT I thought I would go ahead and try my luck!! (Love your work btw)

⬥ ⭘ ★ ⬦ ⧗ △ ◍

¡About me!

[AFAB! AND BI]

5’2 • roughly 158 cm I think-. I don’t wanna sound self absorbed but I have a pretty nice figure, nice ass, nice thighs, small waist, kinda small bust though🗿ngl my figure is mostly just bc of volleyball and I work out a lot, lmfao

Studying software engineering, used to do art professionally and won a couple of contests but got bored (plus my professor sucked) I still do art as a hobby tho. I also really like singing and have been doing choir since I was like 3, also did it competitively and won a few all region contests. (POV parents that need you to be the best 😩)

I also sew! My style is mostly alt/academia(??) AND I LOVE THE ACCESSORIZE . Think black tights, black skirt, Mary Jane pumps, white collared shirt, and white vest with black accents

OR

Combat boots, ripped black cargo pants with chains, fishnets under the cargos, black turtle neck crop top, and gray zip hoodie.

I also have REALLY bad social anxiety. Idk what it is about being around people, it just makes it hard to breath. For reference my freshman year of Highschool my attendance was 40% 😃.

I realized this is kind of a long ask but I was really curious 🧍

(For reference 🧎)

ik i said dis already but!! if this was truly up to me, i would've matched u with myself!! but that's not the name of the game so please play nice with your match hehe >u<

→ 𝗹𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗱!

𝗻𝗲𝘄 𝗺𝗮𝗶𝗹 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺: 𝘆𝗮𝗲 𝗺𝗶𝗸𝗼! ←

'100 percent was always the goal. no more, no less; to fail was humiliation and to overachieve was pathetic. to be accurate is the desire. the presence of one so revered and electric in not only vision but in nature seemed to hammer relentingly into the heads of others. yet, you seemed to be the exception. perhaps it was a form of half-hearted apology.'

miko had practically raised you. growing up around the shrine and constantly being urged to success led you straight into the Guujis arms. in a way, she was more of a mother than the one who birthed you. constantly looking after you, making sure you were well fed, dotting on you when others wouldn't... the list of her favouritisms towards you seemed never ending. in return, she garnered your lasting trust; you'd always rely on her over anyone else. and that proved to be the truth when upon returning to the shrine after three years abroad.

you had accepted the offer of tea and found yourself succumbing to a sense of lightheadedness. cooing softly, miko offered for you to lay down and regain your strength. yet, here you were, spread out on an infirmary bed in the back of one of the shrines small buildings with her face in your cunt. she lapped away at your sobbing hole while occasionally nipping at your swollen clit with sharp canines. though fuzzy in the brain your body felt as though it had been placed in front of an open fire. pleasurable heat seared through your lower half as she took her time playing and prying you open for two long fingers to slide in. if you could've lifted your hands you would be pushing her away or pulling her closer; you were conflicted. to receive such an action from the woman who nearly raised you fully felt wrong, yet, you couldn't deny just how skilled she was when sucking greedily at your pussy.

'some apologies are better than others. in part, mikos generous laths across you seemed to be for the time spent without her. an apology worth accepting? if you could get over how filthy it all felt, maybe.'

[pjsk-writin]

OUUU UPDATE ON THE MATH TEST FINALS (my teacher is rlly fast at correcting)

drumeollssssss ...🥁 🥁 🥁

I failed.... JUST LIKE THE ENITRE REST OF MY CLASS BESIDES ONE OR TWO GUYS LMFAO

I actually did better than one of the best guys in our class and I am pretty weak in math soooo yea!

my math teacher even told me that she saw how much effort I put into it and was pretty proud of me even tho I got 3 grade points / 5+ / E+ whatever grade system y'all have (it's actually one of the best ones ppl got the other 2 ppl that where better than me either had 8GP / 3 / C and the other guy had i think 6GP / 4+ / D+) 1GP/grade point more and I would've passed but thats fine!!!

so basically really bad overall but we never really had math in 9th grade so 10th grade be slapping hard rn

OH WOA I mean I think it shows smth of most of ur class failed....but congrats on doing better than the guy !! and oof ya, math sucks and not being taught it makes everything worse fbdksjfj-

[bisluthq]

a few things

I don’t think it’s fair to say she didn’t communicate with joe. it’s very clear to me that they worked through whatever issues they had in 2021, but they kept coming up. ‘you say I don’t understand, and I say I know you don’t’ kind of implies she told him SOMETHING, and he failed to understand. this aligns with him being blindsided by the breakup, because he still didn’t expect her to end it.

I’ve heard the email thing from many different sources that have nothing in common with each other, and it makes sense timeline wise so at this point I believe it.

taylor def wasn’t seeing matty in april. did she flirt with him at his show in January? maybe, sure. timeline-wise, there’s no time when they were in the same place at the same time for long enough between january and the nashville shows in may for that to be the case. he was touring latam, southeast asia, and australia between march 18 and may 4. the tour dates are not spread out enough for travel back to the states to be plausible during this time. it just makes no sense for her to have left joe for matty when they weren’t in the same place at all geographically.

"it just makes no sense for her to have left joe for matty when they weren’t in the same place at all geographically" - so wait a second you believe she broke up with her actual live in partner of six and a half years VIA EMAIL (and no like the sources in different places have in my experience always tracked back to "friends of Pat's at NYU on the platform formerly known as Twitter" and I find that very weird lol as a source - if something that utterly bizarre - like genuinely unheard of in normal people society - had happened and it was that easy to prove then I'm willing to bet actual money that The Sun would've covered it and yet they... didn't... so clearly no person The Sun considers reliable has ever said it lol) but you don't believe she did it in large part because she was talking to someone else because the someone else in question was on tour???? Also we know for a fact that they recorded together for Midnights at some point and there was the thing about them spending Halloween together idk I've never suggested a steamy physical affair but obviously they were actively in touch because then they started saying "I love you" publicly lol? You think she needed to physically be with Matty to want to be with him but she broke up with, again, her LIVE IN PARTNER OF SIX AND A HALF YEARS remotely but yet she couldn't talk to Matty remotely?

Also I can for sure believe emails were exchanged in terms of division of stuff and logistics and shit because that's probably easier than trying to do all of that in person (especially since logistics in their case must've been hella difficult since he had stuff in like six geographically dispersed places he would've needed to collect or had sent to him) but obviously she didn't end it purely via email lol that would be literally unheard of. No one has ever done that lol unless perhaps it's an abusive situation and it's not safe to see the person/talk to them and this clearly wasn't like that??

re whether or not she communicated and especially how well like idk dude we weren't there and no one except the two of them would know how well they felt they were communicating. That's the other thing here like communication is subjective. Per the line you chose in the song, he apparently seemed to her not to entirely understand what he was doing wrong lol (he might've been gaslighting lmfao idk I don't live in his head and again neither does she) and for her trying over and over to sort shit out and make it work eventually just became too hard. Sad but like alack alas that's life sometimes (very often actually) shit just doesn't work out. Again, all I'm saying is there are multiple sides to a story. She obviously felt justified doing whatever it was she did but I'm sure he had his own version of what was going down.

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[bratz-kitten]

I also like sangwoo in squid game.

The thing is that everyone came back to the game after the first challenge, meaning after seeing that in order to win, all the others must die. No one forced them to be there. Yes I understand that it was framed in the movie as them having no choice because of the situation in their life but...they choose to go back to a game that they had to kill or be killed. Morality and ethics are out of the window once you enter the squid game and he understood that.

He was ready to do whatever he could to win but he never claimed otherwise. He never claimed to be innocent or be the bigger person. He just did what he had to.

hm... i disagree with you saying "no one forced them to be in there" because squid game is, in its essense, about class and bureaucracy. it's about how the system has failed these people so much that they're willing to do just about anything for even the slighest chance of improving their life condition. they had no choice because they had no life outside of the game worth living--the "hell" they faced when playing the games was just as cruel as the hell that were their lives outside of it, but at least with the game, they had a chance of actually being able to live by gaining enough money to pay off their debts and escape poverty. at least, inside of the game, they had a feeling of control, no matter how fragile and disillusioned it was. like........ the people who didn't go back to the game after being given the chance to leave, exactly what life did they return to?

and i think that's perfectly framed with sangwoo's suicide attempt, he understood that there was no escaping misery, which is why when he came back to the game, he was willing to do anything to win... no matter how fucked up and immoral. i do agree a lot with your last statement, i feel like literally no one in that show was a good person so it was refreshing to see a character who didn't pretend to be this beacon of righteousness. he was fucked up and had to do all of that not only for himself but for his mother, which i think is what really sells his character for me. like... if you have to do something shitty to save yourself, then you probably won't do it bc your life isn't that important to you that you'll risk a life of guilt, but for the people you love???? you'll kill whoever you have to. and the guilt he felt over putting his mother's life on the line, the way he felt like he needed to make it up to her....... omg. it's so good. i really love him not because his actions are excusable (even though they are lmfao, it's survival of the fittest babyyy), but because of how complex he is. AND SEXY. EXTREMELY SEXY. hot dilf with glasses makes my brain rot

by the way i really love his dynamic with ali abdul, like. you can tell how much trust and faith ali put in him, how their connection was evolving into one of so much camaraderie and a feeling that they had to protect each other (not only between them but also the rest of the team), which makes it all the more heartbreaking when he trusts sangwoo enough not to fuck him over, but then sangwoo indeed fucks him over. omg... the emotional turmoil.... the betrayal.... the realization sangwoo had of the person who he had become in order to win the stupid fucking game...... i think ultimately that's what led him to sacrifice himself for gi-hun, knowing that there wasn't a life worth living when he had already sacrificed what was most important about life: his humanity.

anyways i really have so much respect for characters like him, characters who put their emotions aside and choose logic and cold detached cunning as a strategy for survival. he had insane leadership skills and had to make all the hard decisions because no one else would've in his place. no one would've survived that long if he wasn't there with his quick intelligence, ready to do the heartbreaking thing. people love to vilify the genius sociopathic leader, like okay, IS HE SUPPOSED TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A CAPRICORN MOON????? UH??????? LMFAODASJSNJSDAJN

[many-gay-magpies]

oh no my cover is blown i think i failed secret agent school also shhhhh you have seen nothing here im not done burying my posts from 3 years ago yet but yes i agree this dynamic is really fun it feels like we're writing each other letters

honestly now that i read your thing about a new student not seeing the appeal because they're not integrated into decelis's clique culture it really brought to mind just how ROBBED we were in terms of sooha's character— i think it would've been better planned and Much more fitting if instead of her being automatically y/n-ified she showed up to decelis just . entirely immune to the pretty boys with vampire charisma. ik the boys feel a ~strange magical attraction~ which draws them to sooha but wouldn't it have been so great if she was just . weirded out by the attention instead of falling for heli immediately? like SHE could've been that student screaming "this idiot (jaan) just broke a hole in the floor bc he put down a dumbbell too hard and THIS IDIOT (heli) FORGETS THAT YOU HAVE TO MOVE YOUR MOUTH TO ACTUALLY TALK TO PEOPLE." i just think we were absolutely robbed of sooha really becoming part of the friend group instead of being yet another charmed student. and then SHE could become a cryptid too!! bc all the girls think its so strange that she doesn't get shy or blushy around them!! like imagine everyone whispering about sooha just one day sucker-punching solon to get him to shut up. PRICELESS.

help im imagining an exchange between that sleuth student and shion one night when hes ~on the prowl~. they go "hi, shion" and hes like "oh hi there- wait hold on how did you know it was me?? do you have powers too???? is it night vision????" and the student like "wha- no i just know that heli walks around at night so i assumed the rest of you would too and your eyes literally Glow In The Dark and hold on did you say too???? as in you have powers????????" and shion just . panicking like "aha no i meant do you have powers… in general… ahaha"

-vrvr anon

oh noooo hdhfbfjfb-- dont worry i will continue to pretend like i know nothing :> but no omg it is like writing letters thats why i like it so much!! its just. idk its so nice because rather than dms where conversations happen in small increments and can get kind of messy and mixed up, asks let you read over and give special attention to every part of what someone is saying so you can respond to it fully!! and theres less pressure to answer immediately and such (at least with the kind of asks you send) :3

LITERALLY THOUGH like. with sooha i WANT to like her character and mostly i DO but she has fundamentally been a reader insert protagonist from the start and its pretty easy to tell lmao. allegedly its worse in the webnovel (and from all the screenshots one of my friends sent me... y e a h) but she's still pretty heftily y/n-ified in the comic, what with all the boys being ✨mysteriously drawn to her✨ and her basically being a starry-eyes fool in front of heli lmao. we were absolutely robbed because it would have been SO COOL if they made her like... an actually interesting and compelling character... rather than just a love interest for the boys lmao. like it would have been great if she got close to the brothers and became their friend and everything SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE she wasn't disillusioned by the rest of the school's clique mentality and thought they were sort of weird. and maybe eventually theres a whole "man i feel like ive known you forever" exchange that happens between them, alluding to the whole crazy past life connection or whatever tf their deal is, but also it would be entirely platonic and just... kind of sweet, because she's the first person in SO LONG that they've been friends with that hasnt just wanted to be around them in hopes of looking cool or dating one of them. like what if sooha walked up to the brothers after hearing all the shit about them from her classmates and just went "lmfao yall are a bunch of fucking idiots arent you" and then they were friends. i think that would be neat

also now that ive gotten STARTED on this train of thought im just thinking about all the character traits i wanna see more in female characters in media, specifically protagonists... thinking about sooha WITH some of those character traits... just a very brash, not very friendly sooha that maybe built up a hard/defensive exterior due to years of being bullied and taught that showing vulnerability around people would get her hurt... a sooha that maybe isnt very nice, is a little bit mean actually, and clashes with solon because theyre both stubborn af and dont know how to converse or apologize like normal human beings... a sooha that, when heli catches her using her powers, yells "i swear to god if you tell ANYONE about this--" until he's like "whoa whoa its okay i have powers too"... a sooha that learns that being vulnerable around people and trusting people is okay actually, in an entirely platonic way... lots of thoughts hsjfbfjn

YEAH SOOHA CRYPTID!!! now i really wanna see her punch solon lmao

(we could have had it all. we could have had it ALL. but alas <//3)

also sidenote. the mental image of heli straight-up forgetting that you have to open your mouth to talk to people and just staring at someone not understanding why they're not hearing/answering him/why theres no sound coming out has me DYING. then when they call him out for it like "uhhh why are you staring at me like that?" he starts sweating and goes "HAHAHA SORRY NEVERMIND I JUST ZONED OUT HAHA WHAT WERE UOU SAYING.??"

NO OMG SHION. his chattiness/instinctive friendliness being his downfall is such a funny concept hsjfbfjf. like the resident Sleuth Student just casually says hi to him in the hallway and he full-on says hi back and starts being all sweet and polite before his brain goes VERY RAPIDLY through the following thoughts: "wait omg how does she know its me" "WAIT NOBODY'S SUPPOSED TO SEE ME AT THIS HOUR SHIT" "wait fuck why did i respond wHY DID I RESPONd--"

also now i have the mental image of shion with his crazy anti-grav powers just straight-up walking on the ceilings at night because its fun and (allegedly) no one will see him, only INCREASING the cryptid allegations if anyone does

[galactichelium]

Something that I think only recently I've gotten the words to describe is that like. The whole thing abled people started to do as faux-activism where they treated autistic people (or disabled people in general) like they were "just as capable" as anyone else and they "shouldn't let their disability stop them"? I think this was very much the main reason why I ended up doing so poorly in school.

I rambled a LOT lmfao so the rest is below the cut. I tried to make this as short as possible but there's a lot to this story and there's a lot I wanted to say. I even left out a lot of stuff that I don't think is that important SJSDHGJKSGHD so sorry in advance. But if ur interested in what I did write it's there.

I was already diagnosed with autism when I was 2 years old, so they knew I was autistic. Yet it seems by around the time I was in grade 4 (8 years old turning 9), they had suddenly decided that I was "too smart" to be receiving the extra help that I had been getting in previous years from the special education program at school. And then I ended up having to repeat that grade. That apparently wasn't a wake-up call, and I would then proceed to only barely pass pretty much everything (excluding the 1 and a half years I spent at a private school, where I was getting B's) until I started failing really hard again in grade 9 and 10. While I did end up finally getting diagnosed with ADHD in the middle of grade 10, it would be kind of... too late by then, lmfao. Since here a grade 10 education is a minimum requirement for a lot of jobs, I was allowed to stop going to school by then. (Just so there's no confusion, it goes up to grade 12 here.)

But yeah. It's like, as soon as I started being able to pass as more neurotypical (as when I was younger I really wasn't able to), both my teachers and parents thought that I didn't need the extra help anymore. I was told a lot during my childhood that I "shouldn't let my autism stop me" or that "I was smarter than that" and that I "shouldn't tell other people I'm autistic" and that when I struggled I "was being lazy". I was also told about a lot of stories about like for example that one video that went viral of the autistic guy who was able to draw a view of the city from memory after viewing it on a helicopter. It felt like they were trying to show me that because this autistic person was capable of things like this, I must be too. It was like a sudden switch from when I was just a few years younger from then, when my autism more visibly disabled me. I'm almost certain that during this time period, they thought my autism only affected my social skills, and nothing else.

If it wasn't for, after failing grade 9 and being on track to fail grade 10, my dad listening to me when I said I was genuinely struggling and not just being lazy like my mum assumed (and ending up getting diagnosed with ADHD because of this)... I don't know where I would be right now. Probably not anywhere good. Because it seemed like prior to that, they genuinely didn't seem to think my autism disabled me that much, and obviously didn't know I had ADHD either. But now they seem much more understanding of this.

Honestly though, I can't solely blame it on this, because like. As I previously mentioned, during the 1 and a half year period I was at my private school, I started getting B's on average. This is because they didn't stick to the typical "listening and writing" learning style unlike public schools. They were more hands-on, which is good for my kinaesthetic/visual learner ass. Nonetheless, there's no doubting that I probably would've done much better if I was given proper accommodations and not being dismissed as just being lazy 😭

Sidenote and almost completely unrelated, but shoutout to my nana who, a few months ago, when I didn't get a sarcastic comment she made, said to my dad something to the effect of "I thought he was supposed to be better by now". Like no nana sorry my autism doesn't just stop when I turn 18 lmfao.

[black-eilla]

Meaningless vent.

Read at your own risk. This is very long. If you don't want, just skip it.

People are sensitive in fandoms, and I mean that. My close friend got ridiculed by two sensitive adults during the past few days just because she shared some opinion via reblogging in the wrong place. She writes in paragraphs, but it doesn't mean that they are always trying to shove some opinion or something. Not all people write only in sentences. After all, they were like a maximum of three-five normal-sized paragraphs. But, it is nothing when compared to my friend encountering a long-ass essay reblogged from her old post of hers (from a different fandom) and having to spend an entire night debunking it. Yet, she got over it soon and moved on instead of sobbing over it for a longer time. She was all perfect and good the next day.

It's utterly disappointing that they were adults in their 20s and 30s. They act as if we committed some sort of a crime. We both are teenage girls who just came out of the dungeons of academic confusion the last year, and it has not been even two years since she joined the Tumblr fandom (and not even a year for me).

There was a fault from my friend's side to haven't commented like that in an RP blog, but she doesn't know much about such types of blogs. But, it isn't some taboo or a sin. She apologized for it and said that she wasn't trying to be mean or condescending. Yet, they don't accept it or pretend like they know about my friend wayyyy better than she knows about herself. People are taking terms like harassing loosely or simply exaggerating or wank situations like this.

If I were in their place, either I would have responded back with an opinion of mine, or best, I would have politely told them to not reply anymore as it isn't a discussion thread, so kindly stop it. What is the need to sob over such a silly thing or get angry with a burning passion? This isn't some funeral or failing a final year examination. There is no need to cry over this.

The OP's friend was being mean. What if the OP's post wasn't tagged or not? It's still there in Tumblr, and anybody can encounter that via search bars. My friend was simply looking out for content for her ship like that and got to encounter the post.

My friend was JUST telling how she writes or views her own couple. She NEVER said one bad thing about the OP's ship or the OP shipping something else, yet her friend was heavily deluded and mistook everything. Just because she likes A with B, it doesn't mean she was telling the OP to NOT ship B with C, X, Y, or Z, or whoever with. What weird standard is this? How is this even called harassing when it was not even a ship bashing?

My friend shipped two people having interactions in canon and writes them canonically in fics (not becoming CANON for Pete's sake cuz the OP's friend mistook it as the couple becoming canon LMFAO), and the OP shipped one of them with a guy who hasn't interacted a bit. She also said maybe her stuff is OOC because of B having a dented relationship with A in the OP's theories (when in canon B has always admired A and it's obvious if people look at the canonical incidents carefully), but how is that condescending? In what way was it is condescending? My friend simply got a bit defensive of her ship and thought the OP misunderstood it, but how does it put the other ship down? Like, how??

AND WHAT IS THE NEED TO CRY FOR SUCH A SILLY THING?

It would've been understandable if it was a fanfiction or a fanart post. But it didn't sound like that.

My friend was just telling how she writes her ship in canon because she felt like disagreeing with the OP on how she portrays them (JUST disagree, not asking to not portray them like that) yet people are misinterpreting and have delusional assumptions. Wow.

My friend never used any hard slurs or bad language OR was NEVER MEAN WITH HER. It was conveyed in a very simple language, so HOW IS THAT HARASSMENT?!

According to their so-called logik, "Ah I ship A with B" which means "NO YOU ARE CONDESCENDING AND MEAN YOU HATE AND DISRESPECT MY CRACK-SHIP." Like, seriously?

As if they never made mistakes like this in their life which would've hurt someone, or pretend like they are always pure-perfect Queens/Kings. If they want a space filled with Mary Sues or Gary Sues, sorry I can't be like them. I make mistakes, and realize them from time to time and I know what I should do and what not to do. But, I am not a perfect Queen.

Sorry for the vent, but I can't help it. We approached the OP's friend in the softest manner possible even after being called some shitheads or weirdos for no fucking reason (and not getting apologized for that either), yet if she is still angry with us then I don't care.

If by chance they see this post, they can simply block me if they want. I don't care how you all react to this when you guys are judging our entire character with one simple misconception. Cry? Sob? Get angry? It's up to you to take this however you want. But I am not responsible for how you take things, because I am not your mother, so I don't give a fuck.

I can be mean, bitchy, and toxic when unfair things happen to my friend or when someone spreads dumbass lies about her. So, if you don't want to see me like that, never try making me a Yandere again.

[tom-whore-dleston]

heard you asked for dirty fantasy/scenario:

Getting sandwhiched by Professor Loki and Professor Shangqi, each one tries to make you cum in their own way. But obviously, Prof. Shangqi calls dip on getting his face sitting on, so Prof. Loki getting his dick suck (oh poor thing 🙄). Loki wants to be that dick (no pun intended) and ends up bust a nut right in your mouth.

Definitely not | No thanks | Meh, maybe | Sure | Yes please | Give it to me now

welp I am h word and said fuck it, let's expand on this 🤣🤣🤣

SEND ME A FANTASY/DIRTY SCENARIO AND I WILL RATE IT AND MAYBE EXPAND ON IT

Professor Shangqi finally agreed to letting Professor Loki have a taste of you under the condition that he doesn't cum in your p word. All this was because Loki was petty and thought he would fail you for rejecting him.

"You can fuck her, Laufeyson, but her pussy is all mine."

So you're giving Professor Loki head while sitting on Shangqi's face and Shangqi is licking and sucking the soul out of you. Shangqi's tongue game is pushing you to deepthroat Loki until he cums in your mouth. Shangqi is no where near bothered by it bc he's so drunk off ur pussy.

"It's okay, bub. You can swallow his cum if you want." You swallow the nut and Shangqi gives you an earth shattering orgasm with just his mouth (are we surprised tho lmfao). Your high pitched moans along with the feeling of your thighs shaking around his head causes Shangqi to unload all over his abs.

After you all have cleaned off the cummies and dressed back into your business attire, Loki is the first to leave the office. Before he does, he remarks,

"See, Xu? It wasn't that hard to share, now was it?"

Shangqi glared at Loki through his glasses, "Don't get fresh with me. I didn't want my girl to fail your class and you left with me with no choice. You should consider yourself lucky I even let you lay a finger on her. Any other day, I would've kicked your ass right then and there."

Loki laughed, "There's no need for that." He glanced over to you, "I'll have your grade changed tonight. See you in class, darling."

[bristhoughtsohno]

guys maybe i should do it i have nothing left anymore

kota doesn't care about me anymore and i fucking self sabotage when i'm depressed or manic so EVERY. SINGLE. THING. ive been looking forward too isn't am option anymore

like indoor, swim manager, ffa officer, probably more i cant think of, are all ruined 😍😍😍

zach still likes me and ig i like him? i would be, and am, happy with what we have but it's just very content. i don't get butterflies or have exciting feelings or anything. and it makes me feel bad because i made the first move and now he has feelings. i barely even liked him at the time i was just fucking upset about kota and joe because now i have no one who fucking cares about me anymore LMAO

i used to be kota's everything and now i'm not lol 😍 now i have no one who feels that way about me LMFAO

michael and i are getting closer but on wednesday at the ffa meeting i met his girlfriend so that's great 😍 the person keeping afloat since everyone left would never be interested in me that way. he only wants to be friends. and not even close friends. just friends. we are getting close but hes known Will like an eighth of the time he's known me and they became so close so fast. he doesn't want to be close with me but i need him so much. he doesn't know that but i need him. i can't tell him that because then i would lose him and not have him at all.

i feel like my entire life is crumbling to pieces and everyone expects so much out of me. the worst part is that i'm not even in a depressive episode rn i'm just like this. i'm not overwhelmingly sad, i'm not even numb. i get to experience every emotion i have with nothing extra. just pure emotion. and it's horrible. i thought this year everything would be okay and i'd turn my life around but i can't. no matter how hard i try i just can't.

i can't even use any coping skills im "supposed to use" because i have no one. who am i supposed to talk to or even think about to ground myself. anyone i think about will just make it worse.

Kota doesn't care, they have joe now

Michael doesn't care, he doesn't feel the same

My family don't care, i'm a horrible person and my dad and uncle fucking sa me 😍

My childhood friend group don't care, i'm so distant from them now and opening up would be a bad idea

Skyler and Carson don't care, i'm just one of their friend's friend's little sister who's trying to be friends with them

Geesey and Dan are probably so fucking disappointed in me, or at least will be after whep contest

Dewitt is so astronomically disappointed in me after everything i've failed at: class, manager, even my fucking job

mcyts, 5sos, other ccs DON'T KNOW I EXIST, i'm just another random teenage girl on the internet who's mentally ill and attaches to people, whether i know them or not, too quick

i don't even have pebble anymore. shut them out because i was depressed. pebble cared. pebble made me feel loved. but had to go and ruin that too. along with all my other online friends.

i'm such a failure and no one even cares about me LOL

i don't feel suicidal. that wouldn't fulfil me. not being a failure and doing just ONE FUCKING THING RIGHT or having ONE RELATIONSHIP WHERE SOMEONE CARES ABOUT ME would fulfil me.

i can't achieve my goals because i don't even know what they are. i don't know who i am. i don't know how to keep going. i don't think i can. i don't even have anyone to reach out to. i don't have someone to talk me down. going to a facility wouldn't help now. it would've a few weeks ago when i asked. then i wouldn't be in this mind set now. but they didn't care enough to try to get me into one. that wouldn't help now. that's not what i need now. i don't know what i need. i don't know how im supposed to get help. all of the help that's offered to me wouldn't help.