#i would not have had the knowledge to write this extremely long essay if i hadn't read millions of words worth of villain deku fanfic

[bao3bei4]

ON THE TSHIRT METHOD TO WRITING ESSAYS IN YOUR OWN TIME: 

i have had a couple people mention to me that they would like to write essays too, but they are a little out of practice. so i thought i should gather some scattered thoughts into one place. this is not a systematic guide. i am young and inexperienced and still working out things for myself, but this is my basic process and some things that have helped me, summarized. 

my biggest single piece of advice is to write with your proverbial pussy. you are not writing for a grade so don't act like it. forget rigor, forget academic style, etc. read what you're interested in, and write following up on the threads that you're interested in. don’t sweat the details. just do you.

if you still need more advice..... here’s a long winded post. 

step zero: if you have no clue what you want to say yet 

read. and read a lot.

but be realistic. be kind to yourself. your attention is a precious resource, and it is getting eaten up by shit out of your control all the time. if you’ve had a busy day, you may still have the brain power left to read. i almost never do. lol. so make sure to carve out time on a day off, if possible. otherwise you might end up completely fried, reading the same sentence over and over, and ending up scrolling on your phone LMAO. <-- painful lesson also to this end, if you haven’t picked up a denser book in a while, start with shorter articles, especially ones written more recently. if your attention wanders, try getting a physical book instead. the most important thing is just starting things you’ll actually read.  i’ve seen a lot of people (and been that person) who was like. “oh i’m going to start with THE canonical text in a subject i’m interested in” which makes sense right? but that book is inevitably long and dense and convoluted and boring. you can come back to it later. this shouldn’t feel like a chore! 

genuinely this is the most helpful thing you can do is just. read anything. it may be difficult at first (or always), but it is still the easiest way to engage with the foremost experts from around the world and the entirety of written history on any subject you are interested in. there’s not really a substitute to this. 

note: you may say that people can and do come up with brilliant ideas independently of their access to written works. this is true! but if you are one of them, you should skip this section/post, because you already know what you want to say.  okay that was a little too facetious. let me revise: when i say that, without reading, it will be hard to come up with more complex ideas than what you have now, that isn’t necessarily pejorative. maybe your current ideas and impulses are original and meaningful and complex. if they aren’t, however, you don’t have to resign yourself to it.  your experiences in real life are the most valuable thing you can bring to the table, but it can be very difficult to articulate and contextualize them without community—whether that be irl, or the simple textual company of other writers. you can let other people help you and teach you.  basically, this is a long winded way of saying something extremely simple: reading is not the only way to gain knowledge, or even the best. but it is an extremely consistent and relatively egalitarian way.** **scihub and libgen and sometimes the public library are your friends. (my local library’s book coverage is spotty) who cares about piracy. LMAO. 

you may surprise yourself by how nicely you fall into little spirals. you read one thing. and you are enamored with the way the author approaches their subject. so you end up reading everything else they’ve written, and then you start on the authors they list that inspire them in their interviews. maybe you just read one article that’s a little dry but it cites something else that seems far more interesting. read that next. and so on. 

if you are struggling to read that’s okay. you have options. start a book club (or just get a friend who also wants to read more). if that sounds like too much work, pick a friend to keep updated on all your new facts. you just want to get used to reading something, and telling someone your favorite parts again. skim books. skip the boring parts. drop them entirely and find a more interesting one. no one’s going to quiz you. this is for your own enjoyment. 

also important here: read books that make you want to write. sometimes this is because the methods and/or prose of the author are so exciting, you want to do something just like that. sometimes it’s because the content is so exciting, you want to say something about that too. sometimes they speak so powerfully to your own life, you want to tell people this is me!! i see this!! there are books i just enjoy reading, sure, and i do read them. but you know how, like, a good movie makes you want to tell stories too? good theory should do that too, in my opinion. 

step one: you have some ideas now. 

these ideas don’t have to be set in stone. but you should have an idea now of what you might talk about. personally, for me, i have two interconnected types of essay ideas. 

interventions. this is like [tumblr voice] Why Is Nobody Talking About This. i see some sort of hole. maybe i know how to fill it, maybe i don’t. 

free associations. basically i read one thing, or some analysis of one thing. and then it reminded me of another thing. and i’m like. i want to tease apart their connections, their similarities, and their differences. 

there are more types of ideas, i’m sure. but these are the ones i consistently have. with me, the second kind is more common. very rarely do i find that my thoughts are that original. rather, i’ve found that one of my strengths as a writer is being able to make connections that other people haven’t made, or haven’t made in depth before. IN MY OPINION. 

so i find it quite flexible. maybe i watch a movie, and it reminds me of my own life, because i think two women in the movie could be sad queer freaks. and i’m a sad queer freak. or it could be that i think scum villain could be analyzed through the framework of freudian psychoanalysis. you get the idea. 

at this stage of the process, i don’t have a thesis, necessarily. but i have a couple phrases i’m drawn to. i have a bullet point or two. i have vibes. 

to use an example from this blog, one of my friends hui once mentioned that that one fan image was going around again. we were going ughhh it’s victorian not chinese! together and they said “you should write a meta on it.” i wasn’t sure quite yet what i had to say. but i knew a couple things. 

this is, incidentally, because i had done some research into chinoiserie before, because i had cited the zuroski book for a paper i had to write for an english class some years before on pride and prejudice and its use of descriptions of material culture, an essay that in turn was inspired by my random yet deeply felt conviction that jane austen hated me personally and wanted to kill me.  this is why i encourage reading a lot. i think. 

to work on this stage, make lists. lots of them. i have a .txt file where i keep every essay idea i have. a lot of them are a sentence. or they're lists of books or theorists i think i could make something out of. or they're theses that feel true, but i’m not sure why yet. 

it took me a while to get to this point. just like with writing fic, there was a period when i first started where i was like. i only have one idea. i’m going to write it, and then i’m never going to write again. and then i had just one more idea. after a while. eventually you will find you have so many ideas and the world is full of possibilities. it’s a muscle you have to flex. like reading. and telling people about what you’re reading. 

actually, i feel like there was a step 0.5 here that i completely skipped. 

step zero point five that i skipped: how to generate ideas

my very truly complete “first time writing something semi-academic that was original” (with a loose definition of the word original) was literally just me reading literary criticism of one book, and saying “i think this author’s thoughts can be applied to this other book” and found some textual evidence that supported that the process could be replicated. 

this is like, writing with training wheels on. eventually i got better at it (see aforementioned chinoiserie essay. i hope you agree.). but that was a good place to start for me. it made the proverbial blank page less intimidating, knowing i had a scaffolding. 

i suggest trying this. see how it goes for you. read around until you find some piece of criticism, or just some theory about how something works, that you like. and using your newfound hammer, go look for some nails. 

note: i know this expression is meant to like. be a negative thing. but you do have to start somewhere. it’s okay if it sucks. it’s just for your practice and your enjoyment. 

be cautious of stances. weak writing (in my OPINIONNNN) tries to unilaterally defend or condemn a behavior. what you need to do is treat your writing as a bit. and then you need to run with it. you need to take it farther than what is reasonable. if this bit is truly actually deeply true, then what does it mean about yourself? it’s like using a new set of pronouns as a joke or something. you know what i mean? (that was an example of what i’m trying to communicate here)

what else is key to look out for... look for oppositional pairs or tensions. look for perverse incentives and vicious circles. look for embarrassing ideas. that is, what would be extremely embarrassing if it was true? (or to admit that it was true) you may go—tshirt, here you’re just describing things that are sexy. yes, exactly, that’s the point. you want things that thrill. 

just keep reading and making notes until everything echoes with something else. now you’re ready for step two. 

step two: refine your ideas further. 

let me do this by demonstration. once more extending my earlier example of my chinoiserie essay, i knew that i really wanted to take zuroski’s points and basically... steal them. this is called “citation,” i guess. but i thought the following insights were useful to me: 

british women were invested in chinese material objects 

they incorporated them into their own subjectivity

past a certain point, they no longer “consumed” these signifiers, but these signifers became theirs 

critique of one was able to stand in for critique of the other

and from being on fandom twitter, i already had the following insights: 

people deliberately blurred the lines between china and england when it came to fans and tea

people also liked talking about victorian modesty when it came to china 

so it seemed like victorian england and china had a privileged relationship, in a lot of people’s minds in fandom. 

so it didn’t really seem a stretch to say... how can we look at one history, and apply it to our present? 

it was a bit of the combo of the two: i saw something i didn’t see people were talking about, and it reminded me of something else i’d read before. 

something that helps me a lot is tweeting about my essay ideas. if you have me on my private account, you already know this. it forces me to explain myself to someone who doesn’t know what i’m talking about in a very succinct way. oftentimes, i tweet something out while i’m brainstorming, and then i steal the phrasing back into my essay. see? tweets can be writing too. 

this is microdosing on step zero’s “read something and practice telling a friend about it.” now you’re writing something and telling a friend about it. 

step three: okay now you can like. open a google doc 

make an outline. i know i know i know. i’m sorry. you can start just barfing thoughts if you want, but eventually everything that was on the top of your head will be out. and now you can start thinking about structure. the reason the outline is important is because it makes clear the logical progression from one idea to the next. 

i know i usually bounce around in my writing (a tendency which has been magnified here because this is so casual LMAO), but i always want to make sure that my points are substantiated. if we want to talk about how a causes b, we should prove a, we should prove the causal link, and only then can we infer b, for instance. it doesn’t really matter what order that happens in (or even that we set about it that way), but the more complicated your idea is, the longer checklist you need. it’s just a checklist. that’s all. 

as you start writing, you’ll probably need to read some more. you’re going to want to say something you think is true, but you’re going to realize that you haven’t proved it (or you can’t). go look to see if someone else has proved it. 

maybe you’re right. add that evidence in. maybe you’re wrong. now your essay has a new direction. there is a living thing beneath you. actually, on that idea— 

i tend to structure my outlines (if i’m not sure yet what my point is) by pasting a bunch of quotes in a document, and reorganizing them until they make sense, they seem to flow. and then i start explaining why, until i realized i have begun to walk off in a new direction. always embrace that new direction. eventually you will find that you have not been taking twists and turns, but actually you were dizzily walking along a straight path. (unless you have been unfocused and you are trying to say too many things at once. ask a friend to read your essay if you’re not sure which is the case.) 

quotes are the smallest unit of your analysis. work with evidence. or, at least, i do. it makes writing an essay like solving a mystery. the idea of just spontaneously generating something new fills me with terror. rather, i want to autopsy something, trace its steps, and then discover how it came to be dead. this may not be true for you. but it’s true for meeeee and this is my post. 

tl;dr

0. read something and tell someone about it/post it out

0.5. come up with a bit and run with it

1. think "why is no one talking about this" or start free associating

2. come up with weird connections and tell someone about it/post it out

3. collect all of your posts and ideas into a gdoc and organize them.

anyway i like reading posts like this because i’m incredibly nosy. so i tried to write out the sort of thing i like to read from other people. i don’t suggest you actually try to replicate it (if anyone would even want to.) practically basically i just encourage you to try any single part of this that you think was interesting or relatable or helpful. personally, i suggest reading a book and posting your favorite lines from it. if you do this a couple times, i think you will find the seeds of an essay waiting for you in your own posts. 

[coffeesleep-ooc]

Essay on heartbreak points

Just thinking of LBH pining over SQQ along the novel before he finally gets the man

Pre-abyss LBH wants SQQ, but the thing i see in him is not just wanting him, carnally sexually or otherwise, he wants SQQ’s attention and approval bc he admires him, its as simple as that. Og goods already had his admiration just bc he was a great cultivator, he was elegant and beautiful and worked hard af, it was like…if a polished stone like jade was used to hurt rather than be the soft, warm and flawless concept of beauty - that chinese media usually uses -. But then the cold showed a soft inner core! Yes! Our dear transmigrator took over and confused the hell out of t he poor LBH that still struggled to excuse SJ’s behavior. Then though, SY took care of him with love and with smiles, using mdoern sensibilities to measure things like care and affection…and I think that some of those discrepancies between a hellish setting and a soft oblivious SY must have been quite jarring to LBH. He sees someone that believes in inherent good and is passionate and silly, knowledgeable and kind, and can’t help but want to be close! He admires him so much!!

Still pre-abyss, not only LBH admires the heck out of SY, he is also his shizun, and i don’t forget about his teacher kink but im talking about the dynamics of it instead of anything sexual. LBH knows and firmly believes that his position is way below that of SQQ’s, he is protected and cared for, but he longs to protect and care for as well right? Because he has seen that SQQ is powerful but not above everything, because he is knowledgeable but not all-seeing, because he may be taken advantage of by someone crafty that doesn’t deserve his kindness. LBH pretends to fall and be weak and helpless when it’s convenient for him, but he knows he has to take every advantage he can bc he needs to be strong enough to protect SQQ, because the world has shown him that there are many dangers and that someone not of a peak lord’s status isn’t worth to marry (idk how much about this airplane would have put into his work, but lets remember that ancient chinese marriages were a very foemal and important thing that involved status and wealth, not just love). Let’s remember our bun has also been a street rat and probably saw many things at one point or another! We can only speculate and write fics about that last point, but the street is not a good place to be, especially in a PIDW setting. Also, bc he wasn’t strong enough, quick enough, bc his family had no power or money his mother died, it’s as hurtful and as plain as that for him, even if he knows (does he though?) that it’s not his fault.

Onwards to the abyss! It’s shit. That’s what it is. Shizun who he admires, respects and loves above everything, who told him that nobody was intolerable for the heavens went against every fucking shit he said and coldly forced LBH into the abyss. What the actual fuck SQQ (affectionate), you gave him so many issues fr. I can only imagine how confused the poor LBH must have felt when his Shizun yet again changed tune like this in a way he can’t fully explain this time, even more so, he could try, but it wouldn’t change the fact that LBH is currently in the worst place ever because the person he loves with his whole heart threw him there (and possibly wanted him to stay down there? to become one of its creatures? To die? He has no idea???). LBH has strived to be good, to be worthy in his teacher’s eyes since he entered the sect and he has just gotten proof that he isn’t and will never be even though he had the hope of getting there despite everything. It’s just filled with heartbreak and i think that the system only deducted SQQ’s current total points bc he literally had to die to be deducted any more and LBH can’t have him dead and the system knows that extremely well! It also gave SQQ a scenario push remember? And that was only for LBH’s benefit istg, SQQ had no idea.

and talking about death! Funny thing isn’t it? It’s ridiculous that SQQ dies so many times (srsly bro, wtf - again affectionate) but I believe that the first was the most traumatic for LBH. SQQ doesn’t sneer at him like a disgusting mucus but instead is afraid of him! LBH worked hard to just see SQQ again, to reunite the courage to talk to him and ask him if he regretted what he did, to show him he was a good person and that he had power now, that he could impress him and protect him (he has lost a lot of his own self-esteem base and i do believe that’s part of where heartbreak points come from) the person whom he values the opinion of the most -the only one even- thinks him a beast and an unredeemable demon…and when he tries to peove himself not that, the only thing SQQ does is run away from him, to decide to be silent and refuse even LBH’s (biased) kindness. He wouldn’t even take LBH’s robe! Imagine that you love someone and that someone hates your guts and refuses to even acknowledge that they hurt you, oh, and all this while an evil sword is fighting to take advantage of your negative feelings. Post-abyss is also shit, just a bit better bc LBH has the illusion of control, he thinks he can still control the situation and is slowly losing hope of shizun understanding him. But the illusion shatters when SQQ self-detonates to save him. The one he supposedly hates. LBH is probably just eternally confused in sv now that i think about it lmao *pats consolingly*

post death 1 (actually 2 for SY): LBH thought he knew shizun, then he realized he couldn’t explain everything shizun did. Then he tried to ask, not even for a full explanation, just to know if shizun really did hate him (bc LBH truly doesn’t care at that point what SQQ does or what SQQ’s reasons and actions were as long as he still loves him, smhw he is so…) and got instead a blow up in his face, coupled with other ppl’s accounts of SQQ mourning him like he was actually truly dead, missing him and finally he sees SQQ sacrificing himself for him. This surely must be enough fpr LBH right? Well…not really, SQQ could have been sacrificing himself to protect the ppl around him - LQG is there and we all know that LBH is mildly sus of him at this point, it will get worse later when LQG is the one coming by every fucking day to retrieve SQQ’s corpse so mhm…its possible LBH thought they had something (not necessarily romantic) at some point, or that LQG and the other ppl were important enough to sacrifice his life for. Not only that, but shizun was not rejoicing when he came back, he never said anything. He killed himself in everyone’s pov -but SQH’s-without explanation, in the most tragic and confusing way of all, saying he would repay LBH…lets also remember that repaying someone can mean completely cutting ties and leaving with a clean slate. And the only actual thing he did was show LBH he didn’t have actual control over the situation and that it was possible to be completely powerful and still lose the ones you love and care about. Idk (or don’t remember haha…) the moment LBH started building the bamboo house in the demonic realm, but it says a lot about what he wants and what he dreams about, the most probable things he is feeling at this point is desperation and melancholy, nostalgia. He longs for the days where he was secure in the knowledge of Shizun’s affection for him, no matter what kind of affection it was, but at the same time is bittersweet because he knows that shizun will never love him foe who he is and that drives him mad with heartbreak that is just building up over time. He will also feel incredibly guilty over SQQ repaying him with his life, because all he ever wanted was basic communication but Shen ‘i am so emotionally repressed i can’t even tell what I’m actually feeling’ Qingqiu obviously thought he was being hunted for revenge. So rip LBH, he wanted an explanation or just a simple ‘i regret it’ but what he gets is confusion, a corpse he has to reanimate asap, and incredible guilt + more damage to his self esteem

Then SQQ comes back and doesn’t even try to search fpr him? And everything becomes a huge mess quite quickly. But. Luo Binghe watches his shizun go back to his martial family and interact with them in a way that he doesn’t interact with LBH anymore. LBH gets his face rubbed with the fact that what he strongly wishes for (going back) is impossible because he made the mistake of being born. Which, would demoralize the strongest of us honestly. And uta been so long since i read sv that I don’t remember much, but im sure that LBH can’t even think that SQQ does care for him, the trauma and insecurity, the abandonment issues have grown so big that they are like a bull in a china shop, ready to shatter everything in short range. Its only when SQQ gives his life (LBH does not know this but he is aware that SQQ would not have used papapa to save the world with just everyone) and gives him something he kept for so long - and that LBH himself thinks is precious despite being worthless - that he understands a bit that shozun may not hate him so much. I’m surprised that heartbreak points weren’t so used or that we didn’t get reminded of them through the story, because it would have given us an inkling of how LBH was feeling, but also spoilers and SQQ’s obliviousness, i imagine that at the end of sv they would have been lower than what they were (in truth) at the IAC but not completely gone

finally, i think that heartbreak points could be used to gauge how traumatized poor LBH was at eaxh point in time, but also to measure the state of his self esteem and the level of hope he had according to the way SQQ acted along the novel. I think that the points were all gone at some point (i eont remember anymore -cries- ) but i fullly believe that post canon Binghe still has heartbreak points and a whole lot of issuws that start to slowly disappear as thwir relationahip progresses. The only thing is that LBH still ties his own worth to SQQ’s opinion of him, and he will have heartbreak points again if he misunderstands SQQ st any point (unlikely but still).

Anyways…

THIS POOR BABY BREAKS MY HEART! He was terrible but he was also very human and truly, he deserves good.

Sorry about the rambling essay! :D

[xx-psych0-rabbit-xx]

opinion on susie?

hi sorry this took *reads clock* oh god this is from 8th of september oh christ i was procrastinating on finishing planet robobot bc i didnt want it to be over :c

anyways the short answer is i absolutely ADORE susie n shes easily one of the best antagonists

(note:my knowledge of anything being confirmed outside the implication of how susie knew sphere doomers and her 2.0 pause screen is non existent so uh lol if i get smth wrong? this is just how i connected the backstory lore drops in my head)

the long answer is i think shes extremely good at being sympathetic while still being extremely funny in an evil way, on one hand, i feel its very easy to understand what her deal is, she gets sent to hell as a child, crawls out of it likely already wondering deep inside why nobody came for her but too focused on reuniting with her father, only to find out not only has his work lost the purpose she knew of, but he didnt even know her anymore.i think it makes perfect sense with this shed end up not knowing what to do other than get back at him, like growing up in hell/space void/whatever man im sleepy will not result in you getting out fine and dandy specially if the person who mattered most to you, and who youd remember as your main reason to escape to reunite with, seems to not even care you were gone, and w having to fend for her life constantly, i can see why she wouldnt care for cooperating with his company as long as it leads her to the result she wants (of having haltmann remember and beg for her forgiveness), no reason girl wouldnt have a self benefit only survival sense

also i have nothing deep to say on her being funny shes just objectively the funniest kirby character.yippee! *gives you fatal computer brain damage while already fantasizing of you begging for my forgiveness*

n regarding what she did to meta knight (which is what pisses off most ppl)...its literally no worse than what taranza did to dedede, and not nearly as bad as what forgo did to him.theres nothing implying the robot turning process was painful for him and he literally flies it off like its no big deal.hes fine.also if she was a guy yall would be writing essays on the homoeroticism of your still overly angsty hcs of mecha knight.if you wanna complain abt something susie might have had dedede buried back into the castle rubble after getting his clone dna thing.kinda rude!

tl dr 2.0 no empathy revenge fueled queen whos funny.yippee!

[communistkenobi]

this is maybe silly to tell you about but i'm very envious of how smart you seem and the level of grasp you have on theory that feels incredibly scary to me. i was in uni for sociology, and save for one text that i understood from start to finish, the rest of it always felt like it was deleting my brain cells slowly and made me feel stupid, even as smn who had grown up being a "literature" person. i think it's just a matter of getting started, but it all feels embarrassing >>

what I’m about to say is going to sound very masturbatory and self-aggrandising, but that can’t really helped on account of the fact that the topic is what a smart little boy I am

one, thank you! I’m always very flattered when people give me this compliment. I don’t think it’s silly at all. two, I’m pursuing a PhD in the social sciences with the intent to stay in the academy after I get my doctorate, and my particular field of study skews towards critical theory. on average only 1% of people in canada have a PhD, and a fraction of that percentile have my particular academic trajectory - all of which to say, I am an outlier amongst a peer group of outliers, so I’m an extremely bad measuring stick to use when judging your own critical capabilities. I’ve been in post-secondary school for roughly 7 years now and will be in it for at least four more, and for the past 4ish of those years my main source of employment has been teaching and research, so I am both paying for and being paid to read theory and teach it to undergraduate students in small classroom settings. By the standards of academia I’m very junior, but I have a lot of specialised training in talking and reading, which is to say, it’s taken me a very long time to be where I am now. My academic career depends on my ability to produce original thoughts and write them down in a way that both speaks to existing scholarship while contributing new things to said scholarship, so I’m in an environment that enforces a very particular kind of discipline that is not remotely common or normal. Being a graduate student isn’t a rich profession by any means, but you are paid to learn information and write it down - something I would not be able to do if I was working a full time job.

I also frequently don’t understand the shit I’m reading! It’s extremely difficult to read academic texts because they’re meant to be read in classroom settings where you’re forced to voice your confusion, speak with other people about what you’re reading, defend your positions, connect it to other work, synthesise it in essay format, and so on. My live-blogging of books I’m reading is an attempt to simulate that, because I tend to learn best when writing out why I have the opinions I hold. Being confused isn’t a sign of stupidity but rather a simple fact that you’re brushing up against concepts and theories that take people their whole careers to develop and publish.

My own background in academia is also very eclectic, so I know a little bit about many topics, but there are very little topics can I speak authoritatively on - I can’t speak about the state of knowledge on, say, international relations, or critical race legal scholarship, or employment disability policy, but I know vaguely of those things. I’m not even a well-read marxist lol

All of which is to say - I am a horrible metric to compare yourself to. I am one of the few sickos who genuinely wants to remain in the academy for the rest of my life because I sincerely believe in the pursuit and production of knowledge, and my chance to do so is largely dependant on my ability to explain myself to other people. Put another way, I have spent my entire adult life training to be a marginally popular communist tumblrina on a website primarily known for producing supernatural actor porn. So either way don’t feel bad about it

[angelosearch]

Hooray Tumblr is letting me post this now!!

The following is a super intense, probably too personal essay about trying to process the overwhelmingly GOOD news that I got into grad school.

I wasn't sure about posting this, but ultimately, it is a story about never giving up, because you never know where you will be in a couple of years. So maybe this will help someone who is struggling with feelings of being trapped in their own lives.

It can get better, and it will.

I look at my life right now and I am so overwhelmed and grateful. I get to be creative every day. I am writing again. I am always learning new things about art and psychology. I have a lovely home and amazing husband and great dog that I cherish. I have met some incredible people that, now that they are in my life, I never want them to leave.

And now I have gotten into grad school.

It all seems impossibly fantastic and I wonder what I did to deserve this. There is also a part of me that is curious when I will mess it up, but in this big tangle of emotions I am feeling, I am trying not to dwell on those.

There is a cord of sentiment that is thicker and wrapped around the rest. Something that I can't put a name to, but it has a color the shade of something thankful. Every time I twirl it around my mind I start to tear up.

It is the feeling that I am living a life I never could have imagined in my darkest days and I am just... so so so happy I am still here for them.

In the winter of 2020, after a life-long battle with mental illness, I gave up. I didn't try to give up, I actually gave up. It is only by some kindness of the universe that I am still here to type this post.

Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary question--but the problem is, when you spend a good portion of your life haunted by depression and trauma and a voice that tells you that you have nothing to offer the world, the question does not seem temporary. When I became unable to imagine an escape from a job that made me feel worthless, a chronic illness that put me in pain and left me in isolation, a blanket of guilt I could not shake, and a global tragedy with no end in sight, I took my own emergency exit. It was like jumping out of the window of a burning building on the 32 floor. I believed I would die either way, but the fall to the ground would require less suffering.

I was lucky enough to be caught on the way down - but I didn't feel lucky. They wanted to put me back in the building, and now the fire was hotter and had consumed my furniture.

I woke up in a very poorly run psych ward. So poorly run, my husband did not know where I had been taken for 18 hours after he called 911. I was given a roommate who was way too much like my mother, and I slowly became manic without the knowledge of the staff. They discharged me a few days before Christmas.

I had been hypomanic before, but I never had a word for it. When I was crying at the sunset that night and feeling so energetic and happy (and telling the funniest jokes I had ever told, from my skewed perspective), I just thought I was happy to be alive. But I didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. My pressured speech and grandiose ideas scared my husband and I ended up in psych ward #2 (a much nicer one). I had to spend one night in the ER screaming and hallucinating, believing my heart would give out before I'd fall asleep, before I got there, though.

They called it "manic psychosis." I called it "the darkest timeline."

On Christmas eve, I was given the gift of a new diagnosis: bipolar disorder. I was too unstable to know what that meant or to conceptualize that the burning building was crumbling in some parts.

On the day I was discharged, I slept very little and was extremely lethargic. I had trouble moving and my assigned counselor had to prop me up to help me to his office. I don't know why they discharged me when I had to be taken downstairs in a wheelchair, but they did.

I was in urgent care not 24 hours later when I could no longer walk or sit up, and I even had trouble speaking. A nice EMT, who I remember had a name that included two US presidents, though I don't recall which, took me to my third hospital in two weeks. By time I made it to my room, I had trouble swallowing and was put on a liquid diet.

It is hard to say what the worst part of this terrifying saga was. However, laying in that hospital bed with no ability to regulate my body temperature, stuck awake and unable to move with relentless, restless, manic energy, without so much as the relief of distraction from the picture on the tiny hospital TV because I didn't have my glasses, was excruciating in ways I still have trouble coming to terms with. I watched a lot of basketball, I think, by the squeaky sounds of the shoes.

After being assaulted by a frustrated nurse on New Year's Eve, I laid in my hospital bed wishing for the release of sleep while hospital staff hooted and hollered distantly for the ball drop. 2021 had begun and I was in the darkest place I had ever been.

When I could eat by myself again and manageably push around a walker, I was discharged on a rainy January day. No one could say for sure why my strange, temporary paralysis happened. Could have been the benzos I had taken too many of. Could have been the adjustment to the Lithium that would chase away the mania. Most likely, it was the sloppy transition off of Effexor at the first psych ward.

I was finally back in my burning building. I was fired from my job as soon as I had the strength to hold a phone. I had to explain and apologize to friends and family who were stunned and afraid of my actions. And then January 6th happened. In a few days, I would have to start physical therapy and a Partial Hospitalization Program (group therapy school).

I looked at my disintegrating surroundings and thought they expect me to fight for this? Why? I wished I had been successful in my attempt but I had only succeeded in making my life harder.

I guess those who cheered me on could see the possibility of my happiness and success, but I had a lot of trouble catching a glimpse. I went to another psych ward at the beginning of 2022 and ended up in a residential care facility for Halloween and Thanksgiving that year. I had two different jobs, both I ended up quitting for treatment. I tried group therapy and different therapists. I switched medications countless times and even tried Ketamine therapy for a while. Up until April of 2023 (when I started EMDR) or so, it really all felt hopeless, but for some reason, I fought for the unknowable just beyond the horizon. I kept asking for help.

And now I am here, and I can't believe all of this almost didn't happen.

I look around my office and see pieces of art I would have never created. I would have missed concerts and weddings and road trips. There is so much music I would have never listened to! I would have never rediscovered my childhood passions and learned how to be myself. I would never have met some very important people in my life.

It almost never happened, but I was given a second chance.

I have so many feelings right now, some good, some bad. I am excited. I am anxious. I wonder if I can handle the challenge and I fear my bragging or arrogance. But the biggest feeling is my desire to go back in time and hold a version of myself that couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and kept walking anyway.

Now we get to chase our dreams, and teach other people to hold on like you did.

[katyspersonal]

3, 18, 24, 29, 32 for Mico :3

(Asks from this ( x ) meme)

3) What first drew you to this character?

Like I said, my first introduction to Micolash was his theme song, paired with a concept art image of him since it was on Youtube. And I already was instantly captivated! My initial impression was that for some reason he was a helpless puppet, and I wanted to know of what exactly! So I've caught up on his lore.... and was sorely disappointed, because back then Fromsoft barely giving information was a novelty for me XD Still, I appreciated the madness, and the mystery. I was really impressed as he felt like someone on much higher level of knowledge, in NO way I felt like he was "silly" or "a joke" x)

18) Do you prefer to see this character suffer or know peace? Angst or comfort? Both?

Both! Imagining him laugh genuinely, not in madness, is one of my most comforting fantasies... ;-; I love seeing him peaceful, happy and, of course, loved! At the same time, I enjoy depictions of him recollecting his humanity only to collapse in tears and horror. Reflecting on how far everything has gone, on the people he had lost (usually Rom), on having lost himself..

24) Do you ever dream about this character? If so, describe a dream you once had about them.

This is... a heavy question. Micolash used to frequent my dreams. There is a whole saga about it, in a way, ahaha! I think my very first dream about him truly bound us. I dreamed about being Rom (even before I knew or created anything about her), walking on the water surface of the lake but it had water lilies, and seeing Micolash's back turned as he was praying. I tried to reach out to him and call him, but got absolutely ignored, then I looked down in the water and realised that although "I" perceived myself as a girl, I in reality became a spider. Realisation made me wake up, strangely with extreme nausea and thirst, even if I was not sick or poisoned.

But there were many other dreams a while later after that one. In this order: he invaded my average nightmare about my stepdad saying 'she is ours now' to him; him pulling me down into the sea to drown; him deceiving me with "loving me back" whereas he was hypnotising me to follow into apparently a trap (sort of an attic full of dust, books and mirrors) and I woke up when I snapped out of trance; the dream where he kept tormenting me by putting me through death by Frenzy over and over yet I kept respawning and unable to change my situation, and once I found a Sedative that was my only chance to get out of the 'loop' I've given it to a mother whose child kept suffering the same fate. When he saw it, he spared me and teleported me into a bed to have a rest... while he was very, very harshly scolding me for being "too obsessive" and weirding HIM out, that I was too much for HIM, and that he'd never love me and I was nobody for him?

And the last one in this 'line' was when I was little again, in my room, in the time where a very particular trauma happened to me. Except, it was full of the same fog as Nightmare of Mensis, and Micolash was there, offering to undo it...? Unfortunately, it didn't happen, but I appreciated the offer. Ironic that THE nightmare man would offer to stop my nightmares (or rather, take control over them, as "lesser evil"). And, of course, don't forget semi-regular Micolaurence dreams!

29) Do you get defensive about this character? If yes, then why?

I DO! And sometimes not for a good reason. It is like an instinct! xD Like, at times I am unable to take the joke about him being "just silly unwashed unhinged failure wet cat" fsdhfhds I am dead serious, I actually sometimes pout and want to write a long essay on how WELL AKTUALY he is very complicated and deep and messed up character! This is why other simps don't like talking to me anymore fhshdfshfs

The most defensive I've ever gotten about him was when an anon complimented an artist that (deliberately) prettified Micolash because they liked "aesthetic" or whatever. Anon praised the artist for "fixing" the "ugly" character, without exaggeration, and for making him "actually attractive" :/ But you've been there with me, you've gotten mad at that anon with me, you remember. Saying that someone made the non-conventionally attractive character aKtUaLLy lOoK GuD by replacing him with idealised version true to one's own preferences in appearance.. You know how Gehrman haters say that 'Doll is prettyfied idealised version of Maria crafted to his tastes that in no way reflects Maria's actual vibe'? I think as hard as I cringed at that moment, but in the end, I am able to understand how Gehrman haters feel when gamerbros simp for Doll!

So yeah, after realising that I have this problem of getting too defensive over integrity of my favs, including appearance, I have to restrain myself and rationalise. For example, 'maybe he used to look much prettier and healthier in Byrgenwerth times!' is reasonable! I just... won that trait in 'unlikeable' autistic fan traits lottery. You know, that one. That, if left unattended, will surely one day make the fan completely alone. As anyone is scared of telling them anything in fear of being "corrected". With only the characters they so-much-cherished to keep them company now. What a sad fate. I am sure there will be a better use for it one day than acting as though fictional characters have human rights sighhhhh....

32) If you could make this character a meal, what would you make them?

Well, look at this man, he never eats anything anymore because he's too focused on his research, so ANY meal would be good for him x) But greenish skin tone instantly makes me think of iron deficiency, so I would offer him chickpea spinach curry!

Thank you for asking!!

[blazehedgehog]

Do you have any idea why Tim Follin got stuck working on games that are almost all considered to be bad (except for possibly Plok! and Ecco)? I thought it would have been something about the British games industry, but Grant Kirkhope got to work on games that are considered at least flawed classics.

Because at the time the games didn't seem to be bad.

Like that's the thing to always keep in mind with old games that seem bad. It was the wild west. Nobody knew anything. When you're trying to establish what the idea of "fun" is, well, what is fun?

You can clone another game wholesale because you already know that game is fun, but why is it fun? What elements about it make it fun? When you slice away all the characters, all the graphics, all the music and presentation, what is the core gameplay heart that generates the fun?

Nowadays you have endless hours of video essays and entire books written on individual games. But back then? None of that existed. If you were lucky and rich enough maybe there was a BBS you could connect to that would let you chat with a few other garage developers, or maybe you'd meet up for drinks with some industry folks at a convention or whatever, but it's nothing like it is today. The resources and knowledge base were extremely small.

So you made a guess, and made a game around that guess, put that out into the world and observed what happened. If it sold well, you made more.

But sales have never been an indicator of quality. They're just sales. Maybe people buy it because they think the character looks funny, maybe the marketing hit really well, maybe you've got a license people have prior interest in, etc.

Which naturally leads to the next problem, which is trying to understand what you did right and how to expand and evolve on what you did right. And if you don't actually know what you're doing right, it could lead you in some very strange directions. With each game you stray, and stray, and stray...

And the public doesn't know either! Both the developer and the people buying the game could be completely wrong, but at this specific time, this specific place, with the standards and understanding of the era, nobody knows better. In the moment, it seems fun! It's not until 10, 15, 25+ years later that anyone realizes "Wow, this was actually awful."

Sometimes it wasn't awful! Sometimes one of those games got it right and the bar got raised a little bit. But it was a different time and standards were nothing like they are today.

And with Tim Follin specifically, he also notes that he wrote a lot of his music before the game itself had even been made. From Wikipedia:

"Particularly in the earlier days of his career, Follin often composed game soundtracks while the games themselves were still in the writing stages, meaning that there was usually no frame of reference or genre objective in mind."

So in a lot of cases he was just making whatever he thought sounded nice, and as long as he got paid for his work, nothing else really mattered.

Honestly? There's not much more you could ask for in life.

[clove-pinks]

It’s Frederick Marryat’s birthday very soon (10 July 1792), and I’ve been thinking a lot about the effect he’s had on my life: and just what is the nature of my fascination with this man. I think a huge part of being interested in Marryat is being drawn to the man himself, not just his stories and travel writing. You have to have some kind of personal investment in this bitchy, lecherous, sarcastic, self-righteous, frequently infuriating and problematic man; you have to care about him on some level. He feels extremely present in his writing.

I think Virginia Woolf expressed it well when she wrote in her essay on Marryat, “The Captain’s Death Bed”:

Often in a shallow book, when we wake, we wake to nothing at all; but here when we wake, we wake to the presence of a personage—a retired naval officer with an active mind and a caustic tongue, who as he trundles his wife and family across the Continent in the year 1835 is forced to give expression to his opinions in a diary.

Sometimes I wonder about what Marryat would think of me as his reader. In response to criticism in Fraser’s Magazine, Marryat wrote a long letter defending his work in cheap weekly newspapers which would be read by the lower classes (reproduced in The Life and Letters of Captain Frederick Marryat, edited by his daughter Florence Marryat). He starts out strong, attacking elitist attitudes about literature, and then shows his ass with smug pronouncements about how he’s writing wholesome fare to educate the lower classes, unlike trashy weeklies filled with “immorality and crime” that also teach people to criticize the government or read Chartists! (Marryat was a complex person whose views can’t be pinned down with modern political labels, but he wasn’t very progressive, not even in his own time.)

Marryat was my introduction to the Napoleonic Wars and the War of 1812, which have become major interests, he was my first real exposure to Regency-period fashion and manners, and he has increased my general nautical knowledge a hundredfold. I feel a kinship with him across time and space as he offers his opinions on the world of the 1830s and 40s, a bit jaded in middle age but still keenly observant and very confident in his opinions.

[sporesgalaxy]

Not mad saying this or anything and feel free to ignore me I don’t control you but I just wanted to say as someone who has actually seen Oppenheimer (and trust me it’s a long movie with a heavy subject and a lot of loud noise so it’s not for everyone and I’m not gonna say everyone has to see it) and Barbie I wanted to say Oppenheimer really isn’t military propaganda it is very much about the indifference of the government and military towards death in pursuit of power and the evils of atomic weaponry. Minor spoilers but the movie just straight up ends with saying the invention of the bomb destroyed the world (while showing warheads and military weapons) it’s very much a film that paints the government and war and invention of the bombs in an extremely negative light and of course being about a man who actually existed it isn’t perfectly accurate to how he may have felt but I do think its worthwhile to watch if you can handle the subject matter and a long movie like that because I felt like it was the first movie about a war in a long time that actually doesn’t glorify any of it. Sorry for long ask I’m passionate about film and I feel like people are forming these opinions without any real knowledge of the actual film itself while just deciding since it’s about war it’s bad. It isn’t for everyone and I would never say you HAVE to see it because like I said it’s a heavy subject but it IS a film I actually recommend for those who can handle it.

Also yeah the Barbie movie is definitely gonna sell a lot of dolls Mattel wouldn’t ok it otherwise but by itself it is very worth watching and really a beautiful film about existing as a woman and the intentions behind Barbie vs what she became and a bunch of other important and beautiful things.

Sorry to write an essay in your inbox like I said I’m very passionate about film and I kind of just wanted to like. Share that Oppenheimer is in fact not pro military or war and if someone watches it and thinks it was in favor of any of the events depicted I don’t think they really understood the film or even paid attention to it because it was pretty on the nose about how bad stuff was.

Again feel free to delete or ignore or whatever you do. you don’t have to publish this or do anything other than I hope read it. And again I’m not mad or vindictive towards you I just have strong feelings about movies.

Ah, I knew I was being reductive in those tags calling them "both propaganda" but I had just woken up and considered it close enough. Apologies all the same.

Interesting to know that the film apparently isn't pro-war! I am much more interested in watching it for myself knowing that, although I'll admit my curiosity is not entirely in good faith. I'm interested in the history of WW2 and the Cold War and there are a lot of easy stumbling blocks and common points of oversimplification and misrepresentation, even for anti-war media. I'm curious to know how much nuance the film really manages to take into consideration in this regard.

I have heard from critics of Oppenheimer who did watch the film that it made no mention of the Navajo people who were radiation-poisoned for generations because of the nuclear testing in New Mexico. I think even if the film is anti-war and anti-weaponry, this oversight was a mistake that wastes compelling support for the anti-war argument, and undercuts itself in doing so.

I apologize again for misrepresenting what I expect from the Barbie movie. Interviews with the director and advertisements have made it clear that the movie aims to have a feminist message, which from what I have seen will probably be a strong and philosophically sound argument.

Still, there's a counterargument to be made that this ultimately serves as another example of a brand capitalizing on values-based marketing (i.e. the Gilette razor ad ["short film"] about toxic masculinity bring uncool). I think that addressing it that way is more than a little reductive, but I genuinely assumed that this was the reasoning behind pairing Barbie and Oppenheimer in memes (besides their clear tonal juxtaposition and shared opening day).

[relicsongmel]

Actually you know what fuck it I think I do wanna elaborate on Sylvia/Cyllene. Extensive, dubiously coherent yapping about OC x canon under the cut so be warned

First of all, a bit of background on the context behind Sylvia's PLA AU: Sylvia gets isekai'd to Hisui while she's still halfway through her travels in Sinnoh, which is roughly a year after her challenge to the Unova Pokemon League and the whole debacle at N's castle. Which is to say, she's already a pretty experienced Trainer at this point and her experiences with Team Plasma have greatly influenced the way she approaches her relationship with Pokemon (I could write a whole other essay on this topic but basically she's extremely careful about abiding by her Pokemon's wishes and always puts all Pokemon before herself regardless of whether they're hers or not).

With that laid out, let me explain why I'm really drawn to Sylvia/Cyllene as a ship (SteadfastHeartShipping, as I've dubbed it) and why it's genuinely one of my favorite Sylvia shippings I've ever had.

On the surface, Cyllene comes across as distant, detached, and even unnecessarily harsh at points, such as when she very bluntly tells Sylvia that should she fail to pass her initial trial to enter the Survey Corps, she will be left out in the wilderness to whatever fate has in store for her—probably death, all things considered. Her demeanor is emblematic of the frigidity of Hisui itself, and I often think about how it's very likely a coping mechanism to deal with how ruthless and unforgiving a region it is, in an era predating the coexistence of humans and Pokemon. The weather is cold and often unpredictable, resources are scarce, and Pokemon are incredibly dangerous and (somewhat rightfully) considered terrifying by most people. To put it simply, death lurks around every corner in the land of Hisui—and Cyllene has likely lost so many comrades within the Galaxy Team that she's found it's easier for her to manage if she simply shuts herself off emotionally. After all, there's no point in getting attached to someone when you can lose them all too easily, which we know for a fact she has—even disregarding the possibility of losing someone to disease or injury, there's a Diamond Clan member who mentions that Clover of the Miss Fortune sisters was once a member of the Survey Corps before she became fed up with the Galaxy Team and left to live as a bandit instead. With all this in mind, her cold mannerisms are the only way she knows how to survive without disrupting the delicate emotional balance in her heart. And she cannot allow herself to bare weakness—because that poses the risk of succumbing to despair, which would further compromise her ability to protect what small amount of people she has remaining.

Enter Sylvia: a woman who, by all appearances, is entirely Cyllene's opposite—clearly visibly nervous from suddenly finding herself in an unfamiliar land and needing to adapt to its people and culture, but nonetheless bright, cheerful, and eager to make herself useful to the Galaxy Team. She's friendly and adaptable, and seems to hold nothing but love for the world around her—a love she displays wholly and openly, and extends to both people and Pokemon. On top of that, her knowledge of Pokemon rivals that of Professor Laventon and she proves herself to be incredibly adept at handling and surveying them. In all respects, she's truly a godsend to the Survey Corps, but Cyllene can't help but find it baffling that she can wear her heart on her sleeve in such a way despite her position as a stranger from the space-time rift, who could well be sent back to her own era at any time, for all she knows. Of course, what she won't admit to herself is that Sylvia's loving nature reminds her of what she's deprived herself of for so long, but nonetheless, watching her care so deeply makes her heart ache—in a way she can't ignore no matter how much she tries. Her defensiveness of how she's chosen to cope with her loss notwithstanding, it also makes her worry that someday this young woman will suffer the cruel bite of reality one day whether she's prepared for it or not, a fate all too likely in Hisui. It takes time, but she eventually realizes that Sylvia's open love is a source of strength for her, and she comes to admire her for that quality, different though it may be from her more reserved way of showing it.

What Cyllene doesn't realize until much later, however, is that Sylvia is not nearly as naive or emotionally straightforward as she originally perceived her to be.

Sylvia is all too familiar with loss and emptiness herself—she's never known her father, she had an uncle seemingly vanish from her life without a word, she was once betrayed by someone she considered her companion and friend (even if she eventually helped him see reason in the end), and now, she's completely cut off from her family, friends and Pokemon across time and space, wholly uncertain if she'll ever find a way to return to them, or even see them again. Sylvia does her best to come across as kind, approachable and dependable, and while it is motivated by a genuine desire to do good in the world, it is also a facade to cover up the fact that she feels like an outsider in Jubilife Village. That she feels alone. But she, much like Cyllene, doesn't start in a position where she feels safe to express that kind of vulnerability to others, because for all she's willing to extend a helping hand to others when they need it, she'll only ever do so from a safe distance—a distance she's gotten frighteningly good at disguising behind a friendly smile and a gentle laugh. She won't let anyone in on her grief, because in her mind they've already been burdened with having to accept her despite her status as an outsider, and because she doesn't feel like she's earned the right to be cared for in that way (which again, is a whole other conversation on its own but if I go on that tangent now I will never stop so. Another time unfortunately). As for her thoughts on Cyllene specifically, she's initially a bit intimidated by her (as well as most of Galaxy's leadership in general—she's more uptight around them due to her aforementioned anxieties about fitting in, and fears that one wrong word or action could compromise her standing with them), but she's emotionally intelligent enough to recognize that she has the best interests of the Survey Corps at heart, and her actions speak louder than her words in that regard. She admires her work ethic and commitment to studying Pokemon, and even finds herself appreciating her blunt remarks in the sense that she has high regard for her ability to be brutally honest in a way that she could never bring herself to be.

Her exile from Jubilife Village during the calamity on Mount Coronet is very tumultuous for Sylvia and Cyllene both, as the event further solidifies the former's insecurities about whether there's truly a place for her in Hisui, and the latter finds herself terrified for Sylvia's safety to a degree she hasn't felt with anyone in a long time. Her worst fears are confirmed when her Abra, having picked up on its partner’s worrying, teleports away for a moment only to bring back a critically injured Sylvia from the Temple of Sinnoh after her battle against the Pokemon from the space-time rift. Thankfully the Medical Corps is right next door to patch her up—though they’re not entirely sure whether she’ll make it at first, in the end she comes out alive mostly thanks to Abra bringing her to safety before she could lose too much blood from her injuries. Of course, she doesn’t leave the ordeal unscarred—her memory of the past few days’ events is hazy, but she remembers clearly the despair she felt from her exile and it’s at this point Cyllene finally starts to see her crack. She visits her injured subordinate at her bedside in the Medical Corps office, and Sylvia tearfully asks her why she and many others went to such lengths to help her regain her position, and why she’s even worthy of being saved when she's an outsider who fell from the very source of the calamities plaguing Hisui. In a rare moment of complete emotional sincerity, Cyllene gently takes her hand and affirms that she is no longer an outsider—that she believes in the woman who's been instrumental in bringing the people and Pokemon of Hisui closer together. The woman who she's seen do good for the Galaxy Team over and over again. The woman who helped her realize that there is strength to be found through daring to express love and compassion in the face of death and strife. And hearing those words from her captain of all people—the same woman who once told her to her face that she'd be willing to let her die out in the wilds, but now has garnered enough respect for her to the point that she would openly defy her superior's orders for her sake, and whose Pokemon is now the very reason she's even alive at all after she narrowly carried out the order that she was also entrusted with by her? To stay it stirred something deep within her soul is a massive understatement.

As for how they eventually end up a couple? To put it simply...they're very messy and I love it to pieces. Cyllene finally admits to herself she's in love with Sylvia not long after the events at the Temple of Sinnoh, but as much as her feelings are starting to reach a boiling point, getting over her fear of emotional vulnerability isn't something that's going to happen overnight. Sylvia, meanwhile, is blessed with the hilarious but also dreadful trait of being frightfully perceptive about the romantic inclinations of literally everyone except herself and whoever she's attracted to in the moment—in which case her intuition is roughly akin to that of a brick. As such, it takes quite a lot for her to even realize she's in love most of the time, and unfortunately for Cyllene, this time is no different (and honestly even if she wasn't Like That she probably wouldn't have the guts to confess to her superior anyway). Cyllene also has to contend with the fact that Sylvia is, at the end of the day, not from her era—there's always a possibility she could be sent back through the space-time rift without warning, and she has to consider whether it's worth it to pursue a relationship with someone who could very easily be taken away from her at any moment. Which ultimately makes her decision to finally act on her feelings all the more impactful, in my opinion—even if she has extremely Disaster Lesbian methods of going about it lmao. Basically she kicks everyone out of her office one night to write multiple letter drafts that almost all end up in the trash. Sylvia, having been out all day on a survey, walks in on her writing one of them and she has to quickly put it away and shoo her off, her face burning all the while. When she finally finishes something she's somewhat happy with she stares at it for a solid 30 minutes before Abra takes matters into its own hands again and snatches it from her desk before teleporting to Sylvia's quarters to give it to her. Sylvia is THOROUGHLY shocked by the contents and spends the next few hours pacing said quarters, trying to figure out why her breathing is so unsteady and her heart is beating out of her chest before she meets her captain at Prelude Beach at midnight as the letter requested (she figured it out at about 11:30 and spent most of the time before the meeting with her hands over her face covering a smile that did not fade until after she had fallen asleep that night).

Long story short, their relationship is very wholesome and sweet—Sylvia brings out a very affectionate side of Cyllene that's unexpected at first but not at all unwelcome, and Cyllene in turn helps Sylvia grow more assertive when she needs to be—which benefits her quite a lot as she eventually gets promoted to Captain of the Survey Corps herself after Cyllene takes over as the Galaxy Team's commander. As much as I think they're perfect for each other to the point that I genuinely hesitated to canonize Sylvia returning to her own era after she sought out all Pokemon as Arceus had asked of her (because it made me too sad), in recent days I've started to think it would be a very fitting ending for their respective arcs. Cyllene's development from someone who swore to herself she would no longer be done in by the burden of allowing herself to care for those she would only end up losing, to someone who found a person so special to her that she willingly chose to love her even though she was the one most at risk of being lost—and someone who vowed that she would follow her example and continue to love in the same way she did, even after she was gone? Paired together with Sylvia learning that she will always find a home for herself wherever she goes among the people and Pokemon that she holds dear, and someone seeing through the invisible walls she's put up isn't such a bad thing after all? That it serves to further deepen the bonds she's put so much care into fostering (with this likewise being a lesson she learned from the woman she loved and one she swears to maintain even after they were separated)? Heartbreaking though it may be, it's simply too good to pass up.

TLDR: the core of Sylvia and Cyllene's relationship is how it moves from "she is everything I'm not and I'm into that" to "she's actually a lot more like me than I thought and it only makes me love her more." And I'm obsessed with it.

[idv-brainrot-go-brr]

LETSS GOOOO I LOVE YOUR WRITING AND HAVE BEEN WAITING!!! MOMENT OF TRUTH THOUGH-

Can I request a short fic Edgar x (GN) Hunter!Reader Where the Reader used to be a Student (University) But was forced to run away and escape to the manor (Perhaps partially motivated to by the Baron?) And they're extremely salty about Edgar's talents out of jealousy, but also can't deny his skill. (Doesn't have to be a happy fic whatever flows better!)

(I am unsure if you are comfortable with Surv x Hunter, so obviously if you aren't, obviously feel free to ignore!)

ALSO HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Pairing: Edgar x (gn)reader Content: jealousy, reader is low key not a good person but it's okay because they are gaslighting, gatekeeping and theybossing(?) Chapter:1/1(?) Word Count:1.5k A/N: Happy New Year! Yes, I am comfortable with Surv x Hunter, I don't mind at all but I'm not quite sure if this is what you wanted story-wise. So, sorry if I did it wrong.

Elegy

No matter what people say, everyone is secretly convinced they are deserving of success. There is selfishness in all people, a deep-rooted belief that the evil and unfairness of the world simply do not apply to oneself. The world can be cruel to others, it's none of one's concern as long as one remains blissfully untouched by the injustice of the Moirai.

It worked, for the most part, the blind naivety to believe that everything would work out in the end if only you worked hard enough. There was success until there wasn't, it worked until it didn't.

Plagiarism.

Unfounded accusations.

An infringement of veracity, deformation of the memory of Themis.

And yet it was enough to ruin your life forever. An accusation, nothing more, sufficiently ruined your academic career and made you lose everything. Ignoring fame and status, knowledge and education, pride and ego, 'everything' started as simple as losing your home. From one day to the other, you had nothing. No one. Nowhere. Within one day the world turned from a vast paradise of opportunity into a Gehenna of desperation.

The invitation from the manor was your only chance. It was a strange thought, that everyone else was here by their own choice. They were here because they wanted something, because they considered it an opportunity, while for you this was the only option. You had no alternative. Perhaps this added to your anger, your hatred, your acrimony, perhaps it was the very thing aiding you in bringing down your weapon again and again. Injury, incapacitation, elimination. Injury, incapacitation, elimination. Injury, incapacitation, elimination. You were cruel, you know you were. Did they fear you? Did they regret playing this game yet? Did they loathe you for the fate they brought upon themselves? It's easy to blame someone else for your own faults, and it's easy to vent your rage by violating something, someone, anyone, innocent.

You did not particularly care for their thoughts. In fact, sometimes you found yourself ignoring the fact that other people were capable of intelligent thought as well. They were irrelevant to you. Their thoughts and feelings, their hopes and desperations were all irrelevant to you. Injury, incapacitation, elimination. Repeat.

At first, you started each game with an incredible amount of anger. A rage that could have destroyed the whole world, instead it was inflicted upon merely four people, but over time it changed. Anger, hatred, dissipated to make way for a torturous void. Inflicting pain upon others, as satisfactory as it once had been, became nothing more than a routine. Once upon a time, 'mundane' had been studying, writing essays and attending lectures. Now, mundane life was violence.

Your change in temperament was welcomed by the survivors. Games against you were less of a certain death sentence now. They were still being hunted of course, but the fear of actually dying had disappeared.

That was until they gained a new teammate.

It was very hard to say what precisely ticked you off about Edgar Valden, but you quite immediately decided that you could not stand the man or anything he represented. He was snobby, arrogant and had experienced no hardship in his life. Everything he had had simply fallen into his hands just like that. He wasn't just born with the silver spoon in his mouth, but also with a maid next to him tasked to feed him for the rest of his life. Quite frankly, you found him to be insufferable. Just by existing. Consequently, he became your main target. In every match you had the displeasure of coexisting, the other players could sit back and relax because they knew you would go past them to get to him. Lord knows they didn't have enough team spirit to try to shield him from you.

You were four, maybe five meters from getting to him. A couple seconds away from delivering the final blow to knock him down. Matches are actually very quiet. Perhaps the focus on your task made you automatically ignore any background noises, but whenever you were chasing someone, the only thing you heard was the person in question and your own laboured breaths. You were so close now, about to bring your weapon down when he turned to place a painting down at the very last second. It stunned you, literally. First of all, where had this insufferable brat found the time to paint? You had been chasing him for a good while now, he really shouldn't have been able to. So there was that, but then there was the painting itself. It was as if your brain had found itself incapable of comprehending that something so outstanding had been created in such a short time frame. Undoubtedly, this painting neither held a lot of time dedication, nor a lot of focus, yet still, it was... stunning. Right, a stun, you had been stunned, this was a temporary effect, you needed to keep going. You almost had him. The second you realised that once again the little brat had gotten you, your weapon sliced through the canvas, and the second you managed to pry your eyes away, there was a palette crushing you. So this had been a strategic move. That little shit.

You recovered from the pain and broke the obstacle before moving on. Of course, that little shit had gotten quite some distance away now, but your determination was greater than his strength. So at last, you knocked him down and dragged him to the chair by his neck, no care for the fact that he was choking thanks to the nature of your grip. Hey, in your defence, you were not the one who'd chosen this carrying animation. It had been the Barron. The last cipher was popped merely a moment after you'd picked him up. Aw, they tried to save him. How cute. The painter was eliminated and you teleported to one of the exit gates, managed to knock down the mechanic before the gate was open and chaired her as the other player escaped. Really, the fact that you hadn't paid attention to who it even was was proof of the fact that your priorities in the game were questionable.

With teleport still on cooldown, you began your journey to the other end of the map. It lead you past the area where you'd almost gotten him earlier. The painting was still there, canvas torn, moisture from the grass seeping into it. Perhaps if you'd kept up your speed you could have turned your tie into a win, but you didn't. You altered your course towards the torn painting. The last person escaped and the world faded to black with your fingers clutching the destroyed piece of artwork.

"Miss, can I borrow a needle?"

The Geisha looked up in surprise. She sat on a pillow on the ground, embroidery threads and a pillow pierced with needles resting on the low table in front of her. You weren't known to be the most social one of the hunters. In fact, had she ever heard you talk before? She looked at you, crusted in dirt and blood from your last game, holding on to a painting that was undoubtedly created by the little artist from the other side of the manor.

Her arms reached out toward you, and although you didn't understand what she wanted at first, you handed her the painting after she glanced at it.

"It's you," she stated after carefully brushing the shreds back into place with her fingers. "It is?" you didn't want to enter the room any further with how filthy you were, but you still leaned over to see it from her perspective. She was right. For all that it was rushed, it did resemble you. Urgh, that son of a bitch. Was he mocking you? "Can it be fixed?" you asked her hesitantly.

She put her current embroidery project aside and picked out her thinnest threat and smallest needle, but instead of handing them to you, she began working on it herself. You looked at her in confusion, but the closest you got to an explanation was the statement: "You need to bathe"

Well, now the painting is hung in your room, and as the weeks went by it was joined by others. Canvas upon shredded canvas carefully stitched back together first by Michiko's, but later by your own hand. Why did you even keep them? It didn't make any goddamn sense. You despised looking at them. Looking at them and thinking that maybe he did actually deserve the things he had. The fame, all his accomplishments, all the things you didn't get to have through something that was no fault of your own. Maybe he deserved it, maybe you were wrong. Maybe your hatred was misplaced. It wasn't so much the painter himself that made your blood boil, although he definitely was an unlikeable person, it was the reminder of what you could have had if the world had been any less unfair.

They looked nice.

His paintings they.... looked nice.

You wondered if he always drew the hunter chasing him or if it was nothing but a coincidence that all the pictures you'd gathered were attempts of depicting you. If one were to utilize logic here, then they'd simply have asked. But if you were to ask him you'd have to admit that you paid enough attention to his paintings to pick up on this detail.

And by God, you would rather die than admit that you liked them.

Let me know if you want a continuation to like... enemies to lovers this. If you do then you can send in another request right now but please know that I won't get to it until much later. I'll just put it on my list so I won't forget. Again I'm not sure if this is what you wanted so I'm sorry if I did it wrong

[study-with-aura]

Friday, February 23, 2024

I am posting this on Saturday because H's mom needed to drop her off early since something came up on her end, so I never got the chance to post my Friday update. We had fun though. I still had my piano practice to do, so while I practiced, she worked on a few things that she needed to finish. On the other hand, she did say that my playing was beautiful, and I was elated to hear.

H also plays, but she goes back and forth between enjoying it and doing it because she wants to be done with it and her mom wants her to at least complete Level 10 and then if she wants to stop, she at least knows how to play extremely well in case she ever wants to come back to it in the future. I told H a while back when that was decided that I agreed with her Mom. It was good to at least have the knowledge as she didn't know what she would want in her future, so she plays often when she's in the mood and not often enough when she has no motivation. It works for her, so who am I to say anything?

I plan on doing ARCT and then I'll feel like I've mastered to where I want to be. I'm a completionist, and I actually do enjoy playing. It's why I'm trying to find more time. I want to finish by the time I finish my HS studies, but I also heard that I need ample time for the ARCT since it's a whole other level. If I pass my Level 9 exams, then I can start Level 10 and plan on completing that by the end 10th grade and then I would have two years to prepare for the ARCT exam. That's my plan anyway. My parents don't really care what I do as long I continue to enjoy playing. It's merely hard to find the time to practice! I can only do it by cutting short my supplemental study time, which I have done, but I don't really need a full 2-3 hours for that since I cut my reading down to only one extra book at a time instead of a supplemental book and a fun book along with assigned readings.

Am I doing too much? Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough at all.

It's time to practice again. I'll try to update about today (Saturday) a bit later.

Tasks Completed:

Geometry - Reviewed solving systems of equations graphically + reviewed equations of parallel and perpendicular lines + learned to find the distance between a point and a line + learned to find the shortest distance between two parallel lines + practice + honors work

Lit and Comp II - Reviewed Unit 16-18 vocabulary + read second part of chapter 26 of Emma by Jane Austen + read about understanding poetry + read about how to analyze poetry + read poems and marked figurative language identified + wrote a short poem using figurative language describing a scene from a photograph

Spanish 2 - Copied new vocabulary

Bible I - Read Joshua 17-18

World History - Watched lecture videos on what and why on the origins of WWI + started writing an essay describing how Balkan nationalism, entangling alliances, and militarism led to WWI (due Monday)

Biology with Lab - Finished my human impact presentation + presented to dad

PE/Health I - Read an article about resources for teen depression and stress

Foundations - Read the definition of resourcefulness + completed one minute creativity exercise + identified fallacies in stories and arguments

Piano - Practiced for two hours in one hour split sessions

Khan Academy - Completed World History Unit 6: Lesson 1 (parts 6-7) + completed High School Geometry Unit 6: Lesson 4 (parts 1-3) + Unit 6: Lesson 5 (some was assigned)

CLEP - None today

Duolingo - Studied for 15 minutes (Spanish, French, Chinese) + completed daily quests

Reading - Read pages 220-259 of My Dear Henry: A Jekyll & Hyde Remix by Kalynn Bayron and finished the book

Chores - Dusted my bedroom, my bathroom, and the study + laundered my bedding

Activities of the Day:

Personal Bible Study (Matthew 28)

Ballet

Pointe

Journal/Mindfulness

-

What I’m Grateful for Today:

I am grateful to have my friends over again tonight for a sleepover to get ready for our second to last cookie booth tomorrow.

Quote of the Day:

Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit. We are all the same in this notion: The potential for greatness lives within each of us.

-Wilma Rudolph

🎧Symphony Op. 11 No. 1 in D major (Overture; 'L'amant anonyme') 1. Allegro - Joseph Bologne, Chevalier de Saint-Georges

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

hi hi ange~ i saw your post about feedback on your writing and i really admire you bravely putting yourself to be vulnerable, so i want to contribute and be so in return. this is a very long response that's not well put together, so i apologise in advance ::

i remember the first time i ever came across your blog very specifically because you were one of the first i came across when i joined the hotd fandom. vividly, i remember being in shock over the masterlist and how much you had! being extremely honest, i didn't follow at first because i wasn't personally interested in what you were writing at the time (a lot were requests at this point). i came across your blog again a bit later when looking for ettore fics, and that's when i started following you. but as i binged all of "Favours", i realised i really loved your writing. so i went back to the Aemond ones and decided to give it a try. honestly, i really thank and credit you to opening my mind to reading new things. I extreme on the submissive side, so the domming/pegging/etc is what made me hesitate following-- but because i realised i loved your writing so much, that's when i decided to read some just for curiosity and trying to explore new things. although i still don't think i would in real life personally, reading your fics is actually what made me branch out and be more comfortable and open with reading more of a dom-sided mc. so i personally would say that's a huge thing ! another thing that i really love about your writing is your dedication you put into it and the *detail*. i still remember you making a post talking something about drapes and what type they were; you googling them to make sure it was accurate for a fic, and it just took me aback because-- drapes ? it's not like you were writing an essay on it, i knew it wasn't going to be a big feature in the fic-- yet you meticulously searched details for the drapes !! i will never forget that because as a former writer, it made me go "well if i ever start writing again, i need to make sure i'm paying attention to details like that." i think that puts you in another league.

the third thing is the emotional depth you convey. your writing isn't an appetiser nor a dessert. it's a meal, and a full one at that-- sometimes heavy too. i'll be very honest, sometimes i have to wait a bit before i can read certain ones, but that's because i know that it will take me through emotional turmoil. there's something very raw and a learning discovery to your writing. the emotional knowledge you have is doused through your words you write and it really shows. to me, every one of yours that i've read never lacks an emotional depth. it's never just smut. "The Hand that Feeds" is one that i read and was just in shock by how much psychology is used to focus on the relationship dynamics. "Careless Words" -- i've sent you how much it got to me before; that one will always haunt me in such a resonating way. i love it and i hate it at the same time. my heart wrenches even thinking about it. it's not something i can just read again for shits and giggles. it's gut-wrenching and it's when i really want to be emo and lay in the rain (okay, a smidge overkill). i'm in love with it, but it hurts. i've also gushed to you about "Stuck on You" and "Hallowed". again, the detail and the psychology-- the smarts-- that go into that is just next level! "Rev. 22:20" is on my tbr, and i so, so, so want to read "Cozened Indigo" so badly, but it's one that i know i have to set aside and wait for until i'm in the right mindset to do so because of the emotional passage i know it'll take me on. your writing is not always easy to digest, which may not be some people's forte. but personally, i am so in love, in awe, and impressed by it. so while it might not be easy to digest, it is definitely fulfilling in my opinion, and it teaches me new things-- not just random knowledge, but also emotional and psychological which isn't an easy feat at all. as an old man who is one of my customers have said "a steak is different than a soup. both are great, but one's more filling... today i think i'll choose--" lol, some days he picks steak. others, it's soup.

i hope this brings some different insight and perspective. i'm so so sorry if this was too long or overwhelming (this is extremely long). i think you should feel proud of yourself and not compare to others. what matters is if you're happy and content with your writing. personally?? i think you're one of the best writers in the fandom in my opinion. i hope you're staying safe and healthy. much, much love to you, Ange. 🩶

-Hannah Montana anon.

This is so insanely thoughtful, and I absolutely adore you for it. Thank you so much.

It is reassuring to know that my prose is appreciated. I suppose when you see so many people that are mutuals/people you consider friends leave you out when being asked for recommendations you do start to wonder if what you're producing is something that's genuinely worth reading. You have a moment of "do I suck? Is anyone reading this?"

For me, rather than being hurt or offended by it, I use it as an opportunity to be more analytical in how I view my writing. I am my own harshest critic and even shorter pieces I put a hell of a lot of effort into. I've never actually asked for outside perspective before, and it's been interesting to see people's differing viewpoints.

I had someone DM me to tell me that my writing is good, but can sometimes lack emotion, as my background is in journalism, the tone can sometimes be objective. I would say I agree with that - my writing tends to be a little more concise sometimes, where perhaps other people's is more flowery/poetic.

Thank you again for such an in depth message. This was really lovely to read! Sending lots of love xoxo

[purplesurveys]

1786

How frequently are you inclined to read, and how much? Pretty often but it's just never novels, or anything fiction really. I try to get an article or essay in at least once a week since it's only through reading that I get to pick up new styles or vocab for my own writing.

When was the last time you questioned the direction your life was taking? I'm kind of going through that since I have been feeling caught in the middle in my job for a while now. My promotions have all happened at such a rapid pace and a part of me wants to appreciate all these opportunities and of course all the raises lol; but on the other hand I am also extremely well-aware of my objective incapabilities of being a leader, and now that I've technically made my way to the top I can't help but think 1) someone else would be a much better fit in this role I'm in, and 2) if there are other jobs out there where I can go back to being a follower.

I guess this is 25?

What small things have the ability to get under your skin? When people are slow, and it applies to just about everything. Drivers who take too long to change lanes, people who choose what to order while it's their turn instead of staying at the side to pick, when I'm part of a bigger group and they want to take a group photo and for some reason the blocking/formation takes forever to arrange... all these things really drain my battery for patience I'm afraid, lol.

When was the last time you were caused to be upset with someone? I was just the teeniest tiniest wee bit upset with my cousin last night for using my car outside of the main reason I lent my car to him in the first place. Long story short, he drove it for errands when my car suddenly went through a hiccup and wouldn't start and he called us in a panic because now he was stuck in front of a drugstore on Christmas eve with a car that won't start. It made my family have to adjust and slightly delay our dinner plans since we had to drive to him and jumpstart the car. It was honestly a hassle lol, especially on Christmas eve, but at the end of the day I still mostly felt bad for him since it must've been scary being stuck at the highway with a hiccup-y car that wasn't even his.

What is something small that has the ability to cure a bad mood? When I check on my dogs for comfort during said bad mood and they immediately hand over their toys to play fetch.

What beverage is best capable of quenching your thirst? Cold water.

What was the last big change through which you went? Do you deal well with change, typically? Have you always? The last big change(s): A massive work promotion, my two superiors simultaneously resigning, and the onboarding of a new business director under my unit (aka my new superior) who happens to have no prior knowledge or experience of PR.

The adjustments have been heavy and real and I'm going through the difficult process of accepting the fact that at this point I'll have to hand-hold both my teammates and the new superior. It's like playing a human tug of war and I'm the rope, haha.

No, I typically don't deal well with change. I like having structure and while I have learned to professionally adjust to PR being a change-heavy line of work, I still ultimately find comfort in routine. That's why Bea and Trina resigning has pretty much shaken my world and I'm still struggling to keep my head above water.

How do you feel after spending a great quantity of time online? I feel a bit inadequate, almost pathetic lol. When I reach that point I automatically put my phone down, leave it in my room, then find something else to do for a few hours.

What do you consider to be the biggest drawback to being you? Just the fact that I feel like the sun is setting with my time in my current company, but at the same time I also still don't really know where to head next. Feeling directionless in that regard has been more frustrating than I ever thought it would be.

What do you consider the best part of being who you are? I'm resilient, and, apparently, capable.

What kinds of things do you have on display in your room? I had my room completely remodeled a year ago so that it allows me to display all my BTS merch. Right now though we're right smack in the middle of the holidays, so I currently have a ton of paper bags with gifts that I'm not quite sure how to display around my room yet.

What do you think your room and its contents say about you, if anything? It says I am a K-pop fan who is willing to spend money on anything and everything related to her favorite group.

When was the last time you felt insecure about something/some situation? Currently.

Do you ever stop to contemplate infinity? Sure. Mostly about the universe – how big it can possibly be, how many other planets are out there, how many other livable planets are out there, who else in this giant ass map is living in this timeline, etc.

Are you comfortable amongst nature, or does the wilderness discomfort you? It depends, but I'm in the belief that if there's even just one thing that bugs me about nature then I don't really get to say that I'm comfortable in it – if that makes sense? Hahaha. That said there are a couple of things that I don't really like, like the mosquitoes, the no electricity and spotty cell signal... being in nature is great as a staycation, but I don't think I can live in it altogether.

When was the last time someone or something caught you off guard? Last night. The priest's Christmas homily was SO short I was dying trying not to laugh when I realized he was done within like 4 minutes and the commentator was already signaling for us to stand up so we can proceed to the next part of the service. I felt like the grand winner of the night HAHAHAHA

How much time do you put into maintaining your appearance and hygiene? Continued from last night. It's definitely less than average in that I'm not interested in makeup, use skincare stuff, or book appointments for my nails or whatever. But I also certainly don't neglect myself – it's just that I prefer really only going with the bare essentials; like when I go out I make sure my hair is tied properly or that my outfit's colors match and such.

Are there any foods you eat daily? Or wish you could? Rice.

When was the last time someone new entered your life? What was your first impression of that individual? My cousin's boyfriend. He's very friendly and we were able to bond pretty quickly because apparently he works in the ASC. Makes a mean gin and juice tower too.

Do you put much thought into your handwriting? I guess so. If I'm writing something and am not happy with how my penmanship turned out, I usually wouldn't hesitate to give it a second attempt (or third, or fourth...) until I'm finally satisfied.

What are some of the top priorities in your life right now? Getting settled in my new role, especially now that Bea has legit legit resigned and will be stepping out effective January 1st. And figuring out where to go next career-wise because I don't plan on staying long in said new role.

In general, how do you feel about romantic relationships? I wish it could be more normalized that it's not always for everyone. People my age get so bugged when they get asked when they plan on getting married or having kids, but they should also realize that they also get as intrusive when they ask me why I'm not dating or why I don't like dating or being in a relationship.

Which emotional sensation inconveniences or bothers you the most? Probably the anxiety/restlessness I get when I send an urgent message and the other person takes forever to respond. When that happens I put my phone away first and try to distract myself by doing something else – and while it mildly helps, it also doesn't completely take out the anxiety until they reply.

Are you capable of consoling others in their grief? No, and I'm not the type of person to actively console someone in grief because you never really know what they need at the moment; and from my own experiences, people usually want to be left alone. For the most part I leave a message for them and kinda just be on standby in case they want to talk.

Do you ever find it awkward to compliment another being? No, I quite like giving compliments. It's me who isn't so big on receiving them because I never know how to react, lol.

When was the last time you had a new experience? What was it? Last week at our Christmas party when I was a runner-up for best costume and had to do a runway pose thing because it was how they were going to determine the winner. I'm a selective extrovert, and performing in front of an audience beyond public speaking is NOT a comfortable situation for me haha. That said I bombed it on purpose so they can pick a winner and I can get out of the stage ASAP.

Do you dress more for yourself, or to the expectations of others? I wear what I like but I also make sure it's presentable for everyone else.

What kinds of things tend to stress you out? They're all work-related things. Outside of that, I guess unexpected emergencies? I don't exactly deal with them well; like if my car suddenly won't start I will 100% panic and call for someone to ask if they can come for me.

What is one way you cope when you feel like crap? YouTube YouTube YouTube all the way.

Name an insult you regularly receive, if there is one? Fortunately I am not insulted on the regular, at least not anymore.

Name a site that takes up a lot of your time Reddit.

What is something you used to believe about life that you no longer do? That I can keep throwing myself into work until the day I retire and easily ignore the stress because as long as I'm earning money I will be happy. That was me in college and it's the most naive I've been.

What is a lesson you have recently learned? Book Christmas Eve delivery reservations in advance.

Do you have a tendency to look on the morbid side of life? Eh, sometimes.

When was the last time you went shopping? What did you buy? I went on a final gift shopping run the day before Christmas Eve for my aunt who went home as a surprise + Angela's parents. For my aunt I got her a handful of silver earrings, then for Anj's parents I bought a bunch of nuts because apparently they're obsessed with them these days hahaha.

When you shop for clothing, how long does it take you? Give me an hour at most, especially if I had nothing specifically planned to get.

What is something fun you have done within the past week? Bonded with my cousins from my dad's side for the first time.

What is something you hope you never have to do again? Be a finalist for costume contests and have to pose and do bits for the audience.

How does the rain affect your mood, if it does? It relaxes me.

[heyitschartic]

Some other thoughts on hypothetical social media presences:

- If he had to, Brian would probably run a very eclectic but well organized, entirely unsuspecting blog that consisted mostly of reblogged martial arts instructionals and art he liked. He would not do things with it often, and would completely stop posting after Levi. If you ever asked him if he’d used tumblr, he’d probably be extremely sheepish about it.

- By virtue of her power, Aisha would be able to maintain an online presence as a cape with relatively little heat coming down on her. Initially terse and of poor quality, she rapidly improves and begins presenting complex, witty, almost Hunter S. Thompsonesque profiles and descriptions of cape life and other villains. After adopting the Heartbroken, they get even better, integrating her intelligence and style with a better knowledge of the literary canon. Unfortunately for Anglos, it would also contain excessive references and passages in Quebecois.

- This is tangential, but I must presume for the sake of the meme that Heartbreaker is from La Salle.

- Rachel would have a single, extremely cracked phone for two reasons: to call the Undersiders, and to follow dog-based gimmick accounts.

- Somehow, Lily actually ended up a fan of Bonesaw’s account before it was revealed that it wasn’t actually fiction. It haunts her to this day.

- Sabah would have had a kink sideblog. I just know it. I know she is would have. Furthermore, she would swear off tumblr after the porn ban in protest.

- I know in my heart of hearts that Armsmaster is a redditor. He just slightly changed the type of redditor he is over the course of the serial.

God, these are all such 100% on point. To throw in a few of my own:

Shatterbird runs an absolutely brutal Goodreads that is nothing but essay long reviews of her thoughts on the book she was reading that week, interspersed with philosophical theories and fucked up anecdotes of her time in the nine. Somehow never gets deleted.

Numberman spends hours on Wallstreet Bets gaming the Stockmarket to make sure people lose money. He even got himself to be made the mascot of the reddit.

William Manton posts on facebook

Feel like there's a really good chance Lisa would be on twitter. Seems like it would be the perfect type of mean girl environment for her to thrive in. She runs some twenty thousand follower account that is nothing but dropping horrible secrets about other capes that post bad takes.

Almost no capes actually use PHO. That's the sort of environment that attracts only geeks and losers who spend all day arguing about Who Would Win fights, which is why Victoria Dallon is on there.

Also thank you for that Aisha S. Thompson idea. There's a non-zero chance I might try writing that wormfic someday.

[ladyartemesia]

TEASER: Kim Seokjin and the Mean Omega

Pairing: Nerd Alpha Kim Seokjin x Popular Omega Reader

Genre: A/B/O • Enemies to Lovers • (Sorta) College AU • Best Friend's Brother AU (Who is surprised? No one?)

Teaser Word Count: 3.6K

Teaser Warnings: A/B/O sexual dynamics • suggestive content

Rating: Explicit (18+) (Teaser is PG-13)

Summary: In the modern world, alphas are almost unheard of so why even bother learning about them? After all, as a spoiled (but reasonably kind-hearted) omega who is used to getting whatever she wants, you have better things to do. However, when unexpected circumstances throw you in the path of (extremely) nerdy and (probably?) shy Kim Seokjin, you're shocked to discover that he won't be wrapped around your little finger as easily as all the rest. Bringing that infuriating geek to his knees quickly becomes your personal mission in life... But it turns out that Kim Seokjin is not what he appears to be and the mean omega who eats beta boys for breakfast is about to get way more than she bargained for...

Author’s Note: This story would not be here without the love, support and friendship of my incredible support system. You talk with me, you laugh with me, you listen when I’m crying, and you read my chaotic drafts when I am ready to pull my hair out of my head in frustration. I love you all. @ppersonna @xjoonchildx @untaemedqueen @lemonjoonah. ALSO thank you to each and every one of you who encouraged me to post this story. This fic is dedicated to all of you as a token of my love and appreciation. Your support keeps me writing. Never doubt that for a second.

“...due to discriminatory anti-alpha policies in the late nineteenth and early twentieth century, alphas were nearly eliminated from the general population…”

You heaved a weary sigh and rolled your shoulders—stretching the buttons of your high-end Oxford shirt to their limit. The beta sophomore to your right whined audibly and you smirked.

“...despite efforts to restore the genetic balance of designations, alphas currently comprise less than one percent of the population…”

Your back arched slightly as you crossed your legs, letting the absurdly short hem of your skirt ride up even higher. The poor boy you were tormenting shifted miserably in his seat.

How was he supposed to focus on a Human Biology and Designation Studies lecture when the living breathing embodiment of every sweaty undergrad’s fantasies was twisting her fingers in her hair and wrapping her pretty pink tongue around a strawberry lollipop right there in the middle of class?

“...unlike betas and omegas, alphas possess enhanced strength and the ability to compel other designations with their voice. Unmated alphas especially were often baselessly feared and distrusted...”

You knew exactly how you affected boys like him. You were a shameless tease who relished their attention and the power it brought you. Who needed drugs when driving a man mad with desire was a rush more potent than any high?

“...and that’s all for today so please read pages 450-466 in the text over break and remember to turn in your essay on scent and consent in intimacy—”

That poor sophomore looked like he had finally worked up the courage to speak to you, but you were already out the door and tearing down the hall toward your beautiful (and entirely platonic) counterpart, Kim Taehyung.

“Do you think Professor Moore is unaware that class is over at 3:25 or is he just torturing us for science?”

Taehyung shrugged, falling into step beside you with practiced ease.

“I mean I would torture you for free so it’s hard to say.”

The corner of your mouth quirked up at his characteristic dry humor, but the irritation at being held in that sweltering lecture hall for an extra ten minutes had frayed your temper.

“It’s the last class before spring break, I’m sure he was on some sort of twisted power trip.” You dug around in your purse for some chapstick, ignoring Tae’s amused snorting, “Alphas barely exist anymore and none of us are likely to meet one. Why bother learning what they can do?”

Taehyung tilted his head in amusement.

“You might be surprised.”

The final party before the beginning of spring break was always a laid back affair.

Many people had already caught planes to their various destinations, but your flight was scheduled for early tomorrow morning—leaving you with some time to kill.

Taehyung pressed his newest experimental concoction into your hand within minutes of entering the house (a surprisingly neat bachelor pad owned by two seniors, Jung Hoseok and Min Yoongi) and then darted back to the kitchen to craft more questionable alcohol potions like a deranged party warlock.

You had just found a comfortable place on the couch and were contemplating whether sampling your best friend’s mad scientist elixir would be worth the probable damage to your body when—

“H-Hello...”

It was that sophomore from your Designations Studies class. What was his name again? Jungwoo? Jinwook?

“Jungkook,” you smiled, delighted to have remembered before it became awkward. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

You motioned to the empty cushion next to you and the man in question scrambled over like he’d won the lottery.

“I—I know we don’t know each other well, but I noticed you were absent during Professor Moore’s lecture on intimacy and scent consent so I—” he blushed deeply, “I wrote the essay for you—and I brought a copy on my flash drive if-if you want it.”

Your heart melted immediately.

“Oh my gosh Jungkook, that is so sweet of you!”

Your gaze darted over his muscular form and thick brown curls.

Sweet indeed.

“I don’t want to miss out on the learning though,” you pouted, placing a hand on his tattooed bicep. “Can you explain it to me?”

Jungkook nodded vigorously even as his wide eyes fell to where your fingers were sliding slowly over his chest.

Scent consent was a pretty basic and universally known concept, but you really were touched by the handsome sophomore's consideration.

Why not give him (and yourself) a little reward?

“Um so basically if two people are involved in...intimate activities—”

You leaned forward to nip his ear lightly and he whimpered.

“Like this?” you asked innocently.

“Y-Yes. Like that.” He gulped. “In an intimate situation consent or refusal can be smelled. The scent of refusal or reluctance in intimacy is strong, unmistakable, and has a high chemical potency.”

“Is that so?” you drawled, sliding over onto his lap. Jungkook’s eyes rolled back into his head and you bit back a grin.

He was adorable.

“Uh-huh—it—oh my gawd,” (you were nibbling on his ear again) “it can immediately block sexual arousal and performance in the other partner. Meaning, if consent is not present, then it becomes difficult or—ahh” (his voice began to waver under your continued attention) “—or even impossible to continue with intimate acts.”

Your hand slid up to his cheek, bringing him closer till your lips were almost touching.

“Then what does it mean if I’m still so turned on right now?”

“It means,” Jungkook shuddered—nearly delirious with your scent, “that I really really want you.”

Across the room, Park Jimin chuckled as he watched you seduce his enthusiastic friend.

Jeon Jungkook was such a sweet kid.

Hopefully he wouldn’t get too attached.

“Wow... Some people are genuinely born blessed I suppose.”

Jimin turned to see Jung Hoseok eyeing the dimly lit corner where you and the eager young sophomore were exploring each other.

It was a rather...provocative spectacle. Not quite raunchy (you weren’t truly an exhibitionist)—just insanely sexy.

Jimin’s gaze lingered on the smooth curve of your thigh where Jeon Jungkook was currently holding on for dear life.

Lucky bastard.

“Ah you know how she is,” he sighed. “That boy isn’t going to get any farther than anyone else.”

It was relatively common knowledge that you liked to mess around but rarely—if ever— fully hooked up with anyone.

Jimin asked you about it once during a drunken game of truth or dare and you had just shrugged, mumbling something along the lines of avoiding STDs (which—to be fair—was at least part of your motivation), but the truth was a little more complicated than that.

In terms of experience, you weren’t a virgin, but... you hadn’t actually had sex in years.

You loved the chase, the foreplay, the build-up—the game of cat-and-mouse between two people who were attracted to one another.

But the final consummation was always so…

Wildly unfulfilling.

Every encounter left you frustrated. Empty.

Grumpy—even.

So you stopped bothering with it all together. (That was what sex toys were for after all.)

At the end of the day you were perfectly content being labeled a tease—it meant that people tended to know what they were (or rather weren’t) getting into when they rolled the dice with you.

Besides…it hadn’t even put a dent in your throng of admirers.

You were sunny, spoiled, indulgent, almost universally adored—

And you loved every minute of it.

“You know…” Hoseok took a long sip of his drink. “I always thought she would end up with Taehyung, but it’s been three years.”

Like you, Kim Taehyung was a trust fund brat and it was only natural that two beautiful and absurdly privileged people would gravitate to one another. You met at a freshman pledge party and had been an inseparable (and formidable) dynamic duo ever since.

The undisputed king and queen of campus.

Yes—maybe the two of you were a little self-absorbed at times, but it was hardly your fault that people tended to instinctively cater to the force of your combined looks, wealth, and charisma.

And it didn’t hurt that neither of you were ever intentionally cruel or unkind.

Just... habitually thoughtless.

(Though not when it came to each other. If anything your friendship was one area where you were both a little more human.)

Jimin shook his head.

“Nah that’s never gonna happen.” He tapped his nose. “They’re scent-crossed.”

Hoseok’s eyes widened.

“Really?”

Scent-crossed pairs didn’t smell sexually attractive to each other.

Like. At all.

No matter how physically or visually appealing an individual might be, it would be near impossible to form a sexual or romantic attachment to them if you were scent-crossed. Alphas, betas, and omegas were all subject to their noses first and foremost in the realm of attraction.

You and Taehyung smelled like comfort and home to one another...

But you were more turned on by a crisp cup of apple juice than you were his scent and the feeling was quite mutual.

He might as well have been your actual brother.

“That explains so much.” Hoseok snorted as he watched a drunken Taehyung do a flying leap on top of both you and Jungkook.

“Why is sunlight so offensive?” you croaked, dragging yourself and your luggage toward the boarding ramp next to an equally miserable Taehyung.

“The next time I book a flight before 9 AM, please shoot me,” he grunted.

Your parents were celebrating their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary with a month-long European cruise so your best friend had graciously invited you to spend two glorious weeks of spring vacation at his family estate.

The invitation had actually come as somewhat of a surprise because—for all your closeness—Taehyung was uncharacteristically tight-lipped about his family.

Not that he was deliberately withholding information per se… It was just that he never really brought them up beyond an occasional passing comment.

The one time you did ask him about them directly he sighed and said—

“We’re very close, but… I suppose we’ve just gotten used to being very private.”

There was clearly more to the story, but you were confident that Tae would share it if and when he was ready.

“My parents are in Seoul opening a new branch of the company. They took my little sister with them and my older brother has his own house so it will be just us.” He snuggled deeper into the first class seat directly next to yours. “We’ll hang out by the pool and chill during the day, then hit up some of the new clubs or whatever at night.”

“So… No one from your family will be there?”

Perhaps the invitation was not so surprising after all.

“Nope. Just you and me and thirty acres of ocean front property.”

You grinned.

“Perfect.”

“Whose room is that?”

The two of you were lugging your bags down the main hall of Taehyung’s expansive mansion when a strange hint of...something caught you right by the nose.

Your friend turned to find you frozen and staring curiously at a familiar door near the balcony.

His eyes widened, but you were too preoccupied to notice his momentary concern.

“That’s just Jin’s room.”

A firm hand wrapped around your wrist and dragged you away, but your eyes stayed glued to the source of the mysterious scent until you were around the corner and out of sight.

Your suite for the next two weeks was right across the hall from Taehyung’s. There was a whirlpool, a full bath, a balcony, and an ocean view that would rival the cover spread of any travel magazine.

Tae headed for the shower (to ‘wash the airplane off’) immediately after showing you the room and you were thinking of doing the same except…

Your mind kept going back to that door and the hint of scent you detected.

There was something… different about it.

It was faint—and far from fresh (which made sense considering that one of the few things you did know about Kim Seokjin was that he hadn’t lived in this house for years).

But still…

The need to smell it again pressed insistently at the back of your mind.

Suddenly the sound of Taehyung singing raunchy lyrics in the shower carried over through the walls and you found your feet moving almost of their own accord.

What Tae doesn’t know won’t hurt him, you rationalized, making your way down the hall toward Jin’s door. Besides—it’s not as if I’m going to steal anything…

You just needed to find that scent again.

By the time your fingers closed over the knob every one of your nerves was strangely—acutely—alert but nothing could have prepared you for what was waiting behind the door.

Oh. My. Gosh.

“What a colossal nerd.”

The room was covered floor to ceiling in Nintendo memorabilia.

Bright primary colors assaulted your eyes from all directions in the form of action figures, posters, pillows, and every other conceivable merch variety known to man.

In the center of the suite stood a large king-sized bed covered in a custom black couture toile-style Mario-verse bed set (that looked every bit as expensive as it was geeky) and a mountain of high quality Nintendo character plush toys.

Everything was simultaneously luxe and nostalgic—a rare combination of sophisticated aesthetic balance and childlike indulgence.

And the scent was there.

It was faint and covered under layers of cleaner and air fresheners, but still lingering just below the surface—too weak for you to get a really good whiff, yet potent enough to torment you.

You moved forward unconsciously toward the strongest source of the hypnotic smell—the strangely inviting expanse of Kim Seokjin’s mattress.

Suddenly the urge to climb—no crawl—across the bed itself and roll around in it like a kitten in catnip gripped you out of nowhere.

“What the hell?” you muttered, rubbing absently over the mating gland at the base of your neck.

Something very odd was going on with your body.

Your restless gaze zeroed in on one of the stuffed toys piled atop his pillows. It was a cute little mushroom man your brain recognized as a Mario character named ‘Toad’.

Take it.

Your mouth dropped open in shock.

You need it.

“Am I going insane?” you wondered aloud.

You have to take it.

Muscles in your hand began to twitch involuntarily. You bit your lip.

Bring it back with you.

Several minutes later a freshly washed Taehyung wandered over to your room and found you sitting perfectly still on your bed while staring off into space.

His head tilted in curious concern.

“Everything ok?”

You started a bit at the sound of his voice, but recovered quickly.

“Never better!” you chirped—almost too brightly. “Let’s go get some dinner, I’m starving.”

Then you grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hall toward the kitchen—shutting the door before he could catch a glimpse of his brother’s stuffed Toad doll stashed underneath your pillow

“...a critical water main rupture in the city’s New Market district early this morning has forced several residents out of their homes as flood water swelled up to nearly two feet. The governor declared a state of emergency and ordered hotels around the city to accommodate the displaced citizens. Crews are still clearing the water and assessing damages. We expect—

“Hey!” you shouted through a mouthful of cereal, after Your best friend switched off the television, “I was watching that!”

“And what you should be doing is getting ready for the pool.” Tae snatched your cereal bowl and dragged you by your shirt collar toward the stairs. “It is the first morning of our vacation. I’m not trying to waste any time. Now go.” He shoved you forward, smacking your ass for good measure.

You swatted back at him half-heartedly as jogged back up to the room where you enjoyed a surprisingly restful sleep last night.

Kim Seokjin’s door glared at you accusingly as you shuffled past—unable to let you forget that you had kidnapped it’s little mushroom man in an unexplained fit of kleptomania, but that was a problem for your future self.

The you of right now was going to zen out in the Kim family's premium glass-enclosed indoor pool (it was still a little chilly for the outdoor pool) with her best friend and bask in the simple joys of good company and no responsibility.

...Or not.

A few minutes later you bounced into the living room wearing a simple black tankini with a cute floral cover only to find Taehyung on the phone with his head in his hands.

“Yes, sir. I understand… I...I know this is my responsibility...”

That didn’t sound good.

After a few more tense moments, Tae hung up and collapsed backward into the couch with a heavy sigh.

“That water main break you heard about on TV this morning was the last straw between the province and its current contractor. They called an emergency meeting for new bids.”

Your heart dropped as you sank down beside him.

“Your dad wants you to go...doesn’t he.”

Taehyung nodded miserably.

“He can’t leave the Seoul opening on such short notice and managing government construction contracts is part of what I’ve been training for. This could be huge for our company.”

“Well...why doesn’t your brother go?”

“Jin is the brains behind most of our patented gaming and tech innovations. He wouldn’t even know where to begin with this sort of thing. Besides,” his lips quirked up in a rueful grin, “my brother doesn’t have the patience to stroke entitled geriatric egos for hours on end—which is likely what I’m going to have to do.”

The two of you headed back to Taehyung’s room where you helped him pack some suits and toiletries for his trip.

Naturally you were disappointed but...this was a great opportunity for your best friend to prove himself in his chosen field and you both knew it. In fact, he was already starting to brighten a bit.

“The meeting is about a hundred miles north of here. My dad’s secretary already handled the flight and hotel room.” His eyes darted around the suite to see if he was forgetting anything.

It was clear he was nervous, though you were sure he didn’t need to be. Kim Taehyung was a trust fund brat, but he was also talented and deeply passionate about his family’s company.

Someday this would be the norm. The two of you were stealing time in college, determined to live a little before the expectations of your powerful families transferred fully onto your shoulders.

It was becoming more and more clear, however, that your carefree time was slowly running out.

Mother had already spoken to you about potential marriage alliances and your father expected you to intern with his Vice President this summer just as your elder sister had...

Taehyung’s voice suddenly interrupted your bittersweet introspection and you couldn’t help but smile at how grown-up he looked in his suit and briefcase ensemble.

Everything was going to change, but not quite yet.

“They estimate negotiations should take around a week or so…” He walked over and pulled you into a tight hug. “There should still be some vacation left for us when I get back.”

“Hurry back then,” you mumbled grumpily into his chest and he chuckled.

“I will.”

Taehyung had been gone for less than twenty minutes when you decided that the best use of your time would be to eat more snacks.

The last thing you expected when you skipped merrily into the kitchen was to find it occupied by a shaggy-haired homeless man in glasses.

Your first instinct was to scream which caused the homeless man to drop the apple he was biting right onto the floor where it rolled around for a small eternity before coming to rest at his ankles.

Your second instinct was to grab a butcher’s cleaver from the nearby knife block and wave it chaotically at the intruder while shouting something along the lines of—

“You’ve made a huge mistake! My boyfriend is the biggest, meanest mafia boss in Seoul! Leave now and he might let you live!”

The homeless man continued to stare at you with a mixture of confusion and shock, but made no move to run away in terror like you were hoping.

So you tried again.

“Didn’t you hear what I said?! The last man who touched me drinks his steak through a straw now! Do the smart thing and leave before my boyfriend comes down those stairs and it’s too late!”

Infuriatingly, the homeless man was still not fleeing for his life and frankly you were starting to get frustrated. You drew in a deep cleansing breath and were prepared to issue another grandiose threat when he finally spoke.

“I’m sorry, miss. I... think there’s been some sort of mistake. Who is your boyfriend?”

There was no rational explanation for what came out of your mouth next, but it rolled off your tongue so smoothly and you didn’t even flinch.

“Kim Seokjin.”

For the first time in your entire exchange, the intruder looked truly alarmed.

Now that’s more like it.

“You’ve heard of him I see. He’s a dangerous man and my body belongs to him.” You slammed the cleaver down onto the countertop with a (hopefully) menacing slash. “Kim Seokjin doesn’t like when other men put their hands on what belongs to him.”

There was a long, unpardonably tense moment of silence…Then the stranger slowly reached forward and picked up a mobile phone from the table in front of him.

His eyes remained locked with yours as he pressed a quick series of buttons, brought the phone to his ear, waited a few seconds and said—

“Taehyung… Would you mind telling me why there is a half-naked, knife-wielding omega in our kitchen claiming to be my girlfriend?”

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