#i would love to adopt a cat genuinely but cant happen until i move out and i rlly do not know how bonkers would react

[gemharvest]

I think it's so funny when a rescue animal is at the clinic for a while and the vet techs start going "yo Karl do you want this animal?" cuz it's like. Dear god yeah but (1) we have 4 dogs in the house and (2) when it's a cat, dad would never agree to that. 😭😭

[silentiumlitwicks]

2 3 9 12 20 39

you sent two asks so there all in this one

2. what was life like in the early days of realising you were more-than-one?

Really bad i was desperately trying to repress it more than before i knew what it was. i lost a lot of time because everyone who was present was desperate to interact with the world freely and there’s just weeks that i don’t have any memory of even though it was nothing i wasn’t used to, being aware of it made it a lot worse. com6ing to terms with the fact this started when i was 5 was hard too because i never accepted it until after i was aware of what it really was when i was 16

3. Describe the funniest thing you’ve seen happen between two alters.

Definitely Back when Teribot formed and roxy and terezi were fighting like children and terezi went out of her way and taught teribot to say yiff and think her purpose was to collect a database on the different crunches dry leaves make so Roxy and terezi got in a fight with dildos, i still don’t think they get along. 

but the cranberry sauce thing between me and terezi is a close second followed by “Terezi im gay” “shut the fuck up scourj im trying to die”

9. Describe what happened when an unusual fronter had a day in the limelight.

i wanted to go with the day Guzma wrote an essay about planned parenthood being important and listening to africa for 10 hours straight but. I really have to go with that week with lapis because i cant pin it down all to one day but its all important.

Im really sorry but when she roasted you for 3 days straight about your constant avoidance and everything wrong in our relationship, kept us emotionally stable and passed all our exams all while realizing she stems from our fear of drowning/ being submerged in water because of tortuous shit my bio sister did when i was young. i really envy her ability to remain calm even when she knows it would be ok to be emotional over it and complete important tasks.

12. Do you have any introjects (fictives/factives)? How are they similar to their source? How do they differ?

When it comes down to actual honest to god fictives? not just alters adopting an id because they can’t make their own image? 

Only Joey,Centi,Nebby, and Marceline!

I used to say Amethyst Otherdot and Terezi but they really aren’t, they’re just their face claims!

the four above are the only ones who truly genuinely believe that’s who they are and they couldn’t be anything else if they tried, they all seem heavily connected to their “canon” except nebby with a  weird exception of learning to talk. remember “lucio is a god”? yeah nebby 

Nebby used to not speak and only make sounds when fronting.

uh no factives though.

15. Describe some of the kids!

Rylyn: always going though That 10 year old edgy/emo phase always listening to punk and metal and literally wearing a MCR shirt in the headspace. would probably ask you your blood type and try to steal your social security information

Beth: the meek shy abide by all rules kid. Constantly tattling about something rylyn did to any adult alter that will listen. She enjoys quiet and reading scientific articles and sometimes anthropology.

Sora: really loud and creative, super expressive and active. loves climbing no matter what she climbs is. Very protective of her twin alter Selene.

Selene: Sora’s Mute twin who communicates through doodling and body language. she may be quiet but she is just as active and rambunctious as her sister.

Scourj+Anarcy: two more twin alters that i don't remember when they split or why. they're what happen if you let 7 year olds watch stuff like supernatural, CSI, and law and order. They do not get along with each other unless their trying to burn a crudely made effigy (do not ask)

Jo: the clingy one, extremely picky with food and the most likely to throw a fit if they don't get what they want.

Vinny: the hyperactive fast talker. she made herself a peridot oc to use as her identity. definitely the the original character do not steal kid with the questionable technicolor cat ocs. let kids have their fun though, it hurts no one.

Lucio: named himself after lucio from overwatch, just a really sweet kindhearted kid who wants to do anything he can to try to improve the world.

18. Elegant, suave, refined. Who did I just describe? 

I'm not entirely sure? i think maybe Dianne or Bea (blessed pearl) neither of them front much or interact with me often so im not really sure but everyone else is a disaster.

20. Angry, spitfire, vicious. Who did I just describe?

Ruby to the core she really stems from an inability to express anger properly without it turning into sadness or apathy. she lets it out but tries hard not to be destructive. She used to be pretty ruthless to other people and had to spend some time barred from the front until she could learn to know when to stop on her own.

22. Free-spirited, active, protective. Who did I just describe?

Marceline, she does what she wants within reason without a care about what someone else thinks. mostly reliable when something bad is happening and does what she can to keep us from harm, unsure if active means like constantly moving or fronting a lot but both fit, she really loves going for walks to clear her mind and listen to jams.

33. Describe what switching fronts feels like.

sometimes a sudden cutoff and everything goes black the body has a like minor spasm  followed by a few seconds to a minute of staring and blinking before who ever switched in is fully there.

39. What’s something you’ve managed to create as a team?

i honestly only can think of Me terzi and mae’s vent pages in a notebook full of doodles about what's bothering and fucking with us 

there is an old like system wide pic that never got finished that me, cal, and terezi started.

that's really it because my memory is bad and we haven't communicated well since the move.... 

WAIT FUCK THE TINY MS PAINT PIXELS OF EVERYONE 

they're not done but we all work on it

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this morning i watched him simply turn to his mother, "oh yeah did i tell you about the bin" - a source of financial frustrations for him. and that brief moment, that opportunity and ability to turn to someone and say hey, heres this thing at a drop of a hat. i really yearn for that. most if not all of my current connecrions eith people are totally false. theres no substance or genuine care. theres just this surface level like you dont want to see a dog withiut water but youre not going to adopt the dog. lately ive felt extremely isolated - i dont know if its even worth talking about. i dot know if talking about it will solve it or make it easier. i guess i think abiut this one tidbit of advice his mother got, its about creating and living in a new normal. what was once normal for you is over and you have to create a new normal for you. so my new normal is spending a lot of time alone. even if i worked, perhaps itd bother me less because id be distracted and tired and that in itself is sad. no matter what there is an extreme looming sadness. why the fuck does any of this matter, why do i care - why should i go on? whats the purpose of going on? what do i have besides the belief thst "everything is out there for me" as if i magixally decided to hibernste and ignore what opportunities i had available. i am a god damn termite to people. im just like.. this thing that hovers around and sucks your resources but you feel bad for it so you let it go. lately ive noticed the air of desperstion i carry. i want to be around people. i want to care and be cared for. i want to be active in someones life and have someone message me and ask me whats up on a regular basis and just.. you kbow, care. but the more i want it the more people have turned away. i offer everything for it laid out in front of me - my house, my food, what little money i have, the opportunities i manage to come up with - i just keep offering it all out so i can have it in return. or maybe just a portion of it. i believe im worthy of love. i dont live in such a state of depression; i have a variety of interests, i hold good conversations about politics and life and philosophy, i am creatively ralented and my domestic skills are top notch as are my hosting skills. i am worthy of love. but i am not receiving it. i am inherently shielded from love. like its sketchy and gross. like im a diseased animal. maybe they want to love me but they cant because im a person who cant be loved. i want to go out and do things with people but i am not invited. i dont even think its a personal thing, i think they coukd even think i wont have the means or care to be involved. sometimes i dont. but im never asked out for a coffee or a drink. my friendships come by happenstance, as they always have, and thoee hwppenstance friendships have never lasted. why am i never asked oto do interesting or fun things? not even free things? im isolated and im constantly constantly constantly reaching out for something. just wow, thank you for talking to me. like i have to beg people to hang out, double, triple check they didnt forget and once im there they busy themselves with anything but a direct connection to me. i watched this right to die documentary. it was focused towards mental and unseen health issues and the argument was made that perhaos in sone of these cases, if they expended as much energy tryi to help them live as they did helping them die, the might actully not want to die. but i think society ca be like that. they would rather help you die, little by little, piece by piece, than expend the energy to help you live. i realized i am very different from others thiugh. people tend to accept a very small amount of "help" as sonething large and amazing that they did. they donated, had a coffee eith a friend whos been down for months, did a birthday psrty gig cheap etc. but i would literally accept them into my house right now and bathe them and feed them and give them my clothes and make them a bed and listen to them cry for hours endlessly. this is without question. all they have to do is ask. maybe not even ask - ill offer if i think theyy could use it. because it hurts me not to. i feel really anxiously guilty and it will be invasive to my life knowing i didnt give everything i couldve to a person i thiught needed help that i had grown a bond eith. THATS how ive been walked on for a long time. i alloeed it, maybe asked for it, because i believe in helping. i know how bad life is. i live in the trenches of it. i dont want to see another person suffer the same way. i think id gut myself and give a kidney to someone i loved. life is too hard and i feel too much. once you know what true loneliness is, it really changes you as a person. it changes and shifts your perspective and at times i feel like i want to be the most genrrous person, thst im moved by suffering but at other times i am bitter. absolutrly bitter towards the world around me. why is there suffering and why is it sonlarge you cant do anythint abiut it. why could i say every person i know is "crazy" - no one is crazy . everyone truly is exactly the way they needed o be to survive this long. they developed their own coping skills and theyre more than likelt a total inconvinience to everyone else. which makes it "crazy" i was called neurotic. im not crazy, im neurotic. why am i bothered. why. why do i care. i dont care. thats the problem. i "care" because my environment forced me not to care to a point that everything is utterly futile. i cannot find a purpose to care. i dont care about having things. i dont. i barely care about eating. i barely care about affording smokes. these are things i "want" at rhe very least and nothing pushes me for it. nothing gets me up and solving these problems. nothing makes me feel like any of this is important eniugh to have and experience and be. why? in the end , theres nothing. i cannot get over the pure nothingness ahead of me. thats reqllt driving my anxiety. to me, i see nothing. i dont see myself with this job or career i want to be apart of, actively socializing and existing, i dont see myself living in an apartment or basement or shack or trailer, i dont see a family, no children, no reliability, no stability. is it my environment. is it the people i know. is it my city. is it the country. how do i solve this. what can i do to create purpose? i went out, i joined clubs, i put on shows, i picked up hobbies, i met new people, worked new gigs, experienced new romances but to what purpose. what do i do now. how do i enjot life? i admired his ability to enjoy life as is. like he takes joy in small things and everything is meaningful and worth value. he created purpose in his work and drive. he still does. i want that. at the very least. start small, right? i want to find wonder and joy in my world. i want to feel what he feels; going hiking, bike riding, buileing things, playing games, friendships - theres just like accomplishment in it. i try to implement this, regularly. i really try. a d being poor makes it easy because you learn to appreciate things alot more. i am so grateful for the ability to have what i have. and i create these scenarios and try to appreciate its novelty, i guess. like painting in an artists studio in a gallery. it should be an experience, something creative and inspiring. but no matter how hard i try to shine the experience, its nothing more than a gsthering space for fuck ups. i hate it. i hate it but how do i change it and what do i want. what do i want so i know the path to take for it. i willingly try new things with ease becahse i hope itll be the thing. something will click and this will be it but im 27 yrs old and ive had many experiences thst led to nothing. always nothing. and i grasp. i like cats. maybe ill work in a pet store. but thats crazy, a pet store is mearly retail and retail is nothing more than stocking shelves and talking to people. othing to do with cats. do i go to school? do i dedicate my being for the welfare of cats? is it that important to my life? do i cook? professionally? what about baking? a greenhouse? floral designer? "just get -a- job". fine. fine. fine. get -a- job, but then what? i can eat but i have no desire to. i can buy nice things, go places - have no desire to. fantastic, im not a burden to anyone - the real goal. but i have nothing. and its so hard, so fucking hard to comprehend nothing when you know something. i never imagined the reality of nothing on such a level. ever. i knew it would come, but the heavy reality of it is something i never couldve known. so no one understands having a tangible "something" and feeling nothing. what is a nice house. what is a nice car. what is luxury and why does it matter and why dont i feel the same way about it? its nice, its easy, its beautiful- i see it. but why doesnt it make me feel the same way it does him and my exs and my friends. why dont i care? i think.. 5 hours ahead of me, really. i try to think a day or so ahead but i never go through with anything i think ill do a day from now. who knows what will happen. who knows if i get an opportunity for honest interacrion, who knows if i earn money - but i know in five hours ill still be here. ill probably want weed. ill probably want food. maybe ill be tired and sleep early or nap until someone bothers to acknowledge me. maybe they wont, but thatll be for me in five hours to deal with and itll start over again. working paycheck to paycheck is nothing like living hour to hour. i am in the absolute worst position of my life, bar none. i have never been so bad off, so depressed, so hopeless for such a long period of time. i am totally lost. always. j