#i would love arospec positivity posts! but everyone seems too angry for that

[recurringwriter]

i need to speak up with this because it's getting grating as a bi arospec.

Please. Think before you say that someone writing a character as demi-, grey-, or elsewhere on the aromantic spectrum is only doing so to 'appeal to the alloros'. When you say that, you sound exactly like the people who call bisexuals 'fakers' or 'basically straight' for wanting to see or think about m/f pairings. I do not want to see the community that should be supporting me, a greyro, pulling the same gatekeeping shit that still hurts me and my bi friends.

I do not mind if you hc this character as repulsed. More power to you, enjoy your headcanons. But you will not tell someone that they are doing it wrong for exploring the idea of romance with that same character. 'It's only when the allos do it--' can you tell? Do you have a magical scrying orb that tells you who is aro enough to write a headcanoned-as-aro character in a romantic relationship? Do you remember how bisexuals get called 'straight' for enjoying a m/f pair? Do you see how others within the arospec community might think that you're calling them allo when they hear you saying that? That this makes them feel unseen and unheard?

I'm sure it's very alienating if you want to be a part of popular fandom, and I could never understand that. But think about how you alienate your allies and siblings when you say these things. Our existence isn't to please anyone else, the same as yours. So stop talking as if it is.

[aspec-writers]

Aro Characters and Dating

Hello! Because I’m talking about something somewhat controversial today, I would like to say please fully read the post before firing off an angry reply! This issue has some nuance to it, and you might get the wrong impression is you don’t read the whole thing. And if this post is too long for you to read, there is a tl;dr at the end. I don’t expect this to happen, and hope it won’t, but if your response to my post attacks a position I don’t actually hold, especially if I disagree with that position in this very post, I’m probably just going to tell you to reread it. 

However, if you have actual criticism, I’d love to hear it! I’m open to changing my mind; I just don’t want to engage with people who aren’t reading the post they’re criticizing.

And if you’re wondering what’s up with the massive hiatus: I’ve been very busy!

Anyways, today I’d like to talk about something that there doesn’t seem to be a very strong consensus on: aro characters and dating!

(Also, a post about ace characters and sex is going to come out eventually...again, busy life.)

So I’d like to give you my opinion on whether it’s okay for aro characters to date. It is: yes, with nuance. Which is something you should get used to if you decide to stick around, because ‘with nuance’ is just about everywhere in life.

Different Forms of Aro Characters and Dating

There are actually a few ways in which aro characters can interact with dating. And, of course, they all have their own nuances.

#1: Aro Characters Dating Because They Don’t Know They’re Aro

This one is actually the lived experience of many aros!

Amatonormativity has taught us several things, but only two of them are of significant importance for this particular issue: romance is the strongest form of attachment between two humans, everyone falls in love/has crushes, and that men and women cannot have a strictly platonic relationship if they aren’t blood relatives.

Aros don’t experience romance like alloros do (I know, an obvious statement), and due to the extreme ignorance of aro identities in modern society, we grow up learning that everyone experiences romantic feelings, no exceptions. 

This combination leads to many young aros assuming any platonic feelings towards a member of the opposite binary gender is a crush.

If they’re not told about aromanticism as they grow into their adolescence and adulthood, this leads to these aros acting on their ‘crushes’ and dating them, even if they aren’t actually attracted to them.

In order for this to be in play, the creator has to be aware of aromanticism and of the results amatonormativity has on us.

It’s safe to say that this creator does not intend to erase aromantics, but rather to show an experience that isn’t uncommon and provide representation to us.

(Note: this doesn’t apply to characters that are HC’d as aro and are in canonical romantic relationships, although this can be the explanation the person with the headcanon believes to be the cause for the relationship.) 

#2: Arospec Characters Dating (And Aro Doesn’t Have to Mean ‘Never Feels Romantic Attraction Ever’)

So, if you’re unaware, aro is often an umbrella term for a whole lot of people! And all of those people aren’t ‘plain’ aro. (I don’t mean to use this term offensively! I, myself, am a ‘plain’ aro.) Demiros exist. Grayros exist. Many of these people can, and do, call themselves aro! 

Not to mention, aro has the generally accepted definition of ‘experiences little to no romantic attraction’, so under this definition, even people who identify as ‘plain’ aro, can experience romantic attraction, although it is very rare.

Both of the above cases (being arospec or ‘breakthrough’ romantic attraction with a ‘plain’ aro) are perfectly valid.

Although, to be honest, alloromantic writers should probably stay away from the second case. Because it can read like erasure. (I might make a post or something about writing aros as an alloro later, but it will probably just be a google doc linked in the intro post. Because this blog was, generally, supposed to be a place for aspec writers, not explaining aros and aces to allos.) The second case is something I’d really only recommend aro/arospec writers explore, and even then, there’s a chance it could be done poorly. But saying ‘never, ever do this’ is not something I like to say, especially because I know there’s at least a few aros out there who have this as their lived experience and I in no way want to invalidate that. 

#3: Aro Characters Dating Because They're Romance-Favorable or Otherwise Enjoy Romance

If you’ve hung around the aro community at all, you’ll know that there are different ways to describe someone’s personal attitude towards romance. The five that are in common use are romance repulsed, romance averse, romance indifferent, romance favorable, and romance ambivalent. 

There are plenty of people who don’t subscribe to this framework, as well.

However, the point is that aromantic is not equivalent to hating all romance and never desiring romance at all.

Aromantic is a lack of attraction, not a complete desire to be in a relationship.

As I, personally, am romance-repulsed, I am not going to write an essay on how to properly represent aros who enjoy romance/date. That’s not my place.

However, this is certainly a possibility for why an aro character may be dating and I want you to keep this in the back of your mind as something that could happen and is also the experience of some aros!

But Wait, Isn’t It Erasure???

Aro characters and dating. Characters who don’t feel romantic attraction and romantic relationships.

Sounds pretty weird or impossible, right? Well, it’s not!

Have you ever dated someone that, in hindsight, you weren’t actually attracted to? Congratulations! You can now understand how aro characters could date.

I outlined above a few ways an aro character may date, so I’m not going to go over them here.

The point is, it’s not erasing a character’s identity if you’re representing the experience of many people of said identity!

That being said, there are some people who will pull the ‘aros can date regardless’ card out in bad faith. When it comes down to it, aros are still different from alloros. Their experiences won’t be the same as that of an alloro character.

If you see a creator responding to someone pointing out one of the characters in a ship is canonically aro with ‘but aros can date!’, it’s a red flag. It’s possible that the creator is hiding behind aros who do date as an excuse to keep their favorite ship. I’m not saying this is always the case. Just as there is bad-faith representation, there can be bad-faith critiques. But, if you see this critique echoed many times, it’s likely that the creator is not representing a romance-favorable aro or an arospec character and is simply erasing aromantics. 

The real question to ask is ‘during discussions of romance, is this character written as aro?’. If the answer is no, chances are, the creator is not representing aros. If the answer is yes, the creator is most likely providing good representation.

You can apply the same thing to your own writing. If the character reads as someone who is entirely alloro, you’re probably doing something wrong.

(Note: there is a huge difference between ‘this character’s romantic orientation is not focused on and there is no discussion of them and romance’ and ‘this character is involved with romantic plotlines and shows literally nothing to suggest that they could be aro’. The first case is simply a story that chooses to not focus on romance. I write plenty of those; it’s okay. The second is erasure. It is not erasure to not mention a character’s orientation; it is erasure to ignore, or, well, erase, a character’s orientation. A character is not ‘allo until proven otherwise’.)

Homophobia? No.

I’ve seen a few posts saying that the idea of aro characters dating is homophobic. This may seem a little...bizarre. I had the same gut reaction. However, I read the post and while I could see where the poster was coming from, they made a few serious missteps.

The main argument here is that if aro characters can date (or, in most cases, aro people, period) it is homophobic, because it suggests that someone can date a person they are not attracted to. In other words, according to the argument, gay people and lesbians should be expected to date the opposite binary gender, because you don’t have to be attracted to someone to date them.

Saying gay people and lesbians should date the opposite binary gender and not the people they’re attracted to is homophobic. This is correct.

However, just because an aro person is dating someone they are not attracted to, that does not mean gay people and lesbians must. The key point here is choice.

An aro person, or character, can choose to date someone, despite not being attracted to them. This aro is not saying that other people should do the same. They are making a choice for themselves. 

Let’s use an analogy.

Alex doesn’t feel the urge to eat cookies. However, eating cookies is not repulsive to him. He may enjoy the feeling of swallowing the cookie. As such, Alex may eat a cookie, despite the fact that he does not particularly feel the urge to eat said cookie. There are many reasons Alex may eat a cookie, but they are not relevant.

Now, Bob comes along. People try to tell him to eat sugar cookies, but he’d much rather eat chocolate chip cookies. He says that Alex eating cookies is harmful to him, because if Alex eats cookies he does not feel an urge to eat, he is essentially saying that Bob should eat sugar cookies, despite the fact that he wants to eat a chocolate chip cookie.

The problem here is that Alex is not forcing Bob to eat sugar cookies instead of chocolate chip cookies. Alex is eating cookies for his reasons, despite not feeling an urge to eat them, but he is not forcing Bob to eat sugar cookies.

Bob is free to never eat a sugar cookie and eat exclusively chocolate chip cookies. Alex eating cookies does not change that.

I’m not sure if this analogy actually helped, but maybe it did.

Bottom line, aro characters dating despite not feeling romantic attraction does not mean gay people and lesbians should date the opposite binary gender.

TL;DR

Saying ‘aro characters can’t date, no exceptions’ is a well-meant but unhelpful statement. Aro characters are allowed to date without the representation becoming erasure and/or arophobic, provided that the character doesn’t actually have romantic feelings for the other person(s) involved in the relationship, assuming the character does not have an arospec identity, in which case romantic attraction is perfectly logical and not erasure. This is because, at its core, aromanticism isn’t being repulsed by romance or being averse to dating, but simply not experiencing romantic attraction. Also, aro characters dating isn’t them trying to say that gay and lesbian characters should date the opposite binary gender.