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cosmonaughtt · 5 years

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how I'd rewrite Danny Phantom

forever salty that elmer glue ruined such a good concept so it’s my territory now

Ghosts are dead, 100%. The science behind it is very paranormal investigation-y but the Fenton family is ten thousand times better than the other “ghost hunters” of their time.

Also, there are some ghosts that come from metaphorical deaths. I.E. Pandora, she technically didn’t exist but when the Ancient Greek culture died out, so did the gods and goddesses. They’re not technically ghosts but they are ectoplasm-based, so they get lumped in with them.

The Fenton family has been a bit dysfunctional for the past four years (10-14 for Danny, 12-16 for Jazz) because it took four years for Jack and Maddie to build the ghost portal. Jazz took over and learned how to really clean the house, while Danny learned how to cook. He’s not the best, but Danny can definitely make some good Ramen from scratch.

Maddie and Jack realized a bit later that the portal had overtaken their life and feel really bad for abandoning their kids, and when it didn’t work they tried to rekindle those relationships. Even with it working, they still do.

We all know what happened when the portal finished; it didn’t work. Because Jack put a switch on the inside that should’ve been on the outside, not the “on-off” button. The switch was loose and when Danny knocked into it, the portal turned on, because it was just waiting for a little spark-- like how when a cord is not totally plugged in.

This was the beginning of summer, around the end of May, and a month after it was technically done. Danny (no stranger to the hospital, he’d been in a few times when he was younger because he was born two weeks premature) was in the hospital until August, a few weeks before school started. He was exempt from his eighth-grade exams and passed all of his classes, so the district let him slide.

Danny doesn’t have an ice core. As cool as it is (pun intended) it makes no sense in the narrative. Like, he was electrocuted, and he’s got the “ghost-stinger” ability, why would he have ICE POWERS? He’s got an electricity core instead (slightly inspired by the electric undead oops).

His ghost sense is less of a mist and more of a gut feeling, and he literally becomes a static electricity magnet.

Danny’s character is a bit closer to the show.

He's quiet around strangers, but open with his friends. Trust thing.

Still made fun of for being the kid of two weird parents, but he’s honestly used to it by high school. He’s also bullied for his autism and ADHD, but he’s been bullied for them for about ten years so he’s used to it.

Still wants to be an astronaut-- science is his best subject, second to math. History is his third-best, he hates English and Gym class.

He’s tiny and scrawny, like a toothpick. It comes from being a sick child, though after the accident he’s able to lean out and gain a bit of “muscle”.

After the accident, he gets a bit paler than he was before and doesn’t tan. There’s also a Lichtenberg scar covering about half of the right side of his body from the accident, going from his fingertips, up his arm and over his chest, neck, about down to his knee.

He’s incredibly self-conscious about it but it doesn’t hurt, weirdly enough. For the “first season” he covers up and wears a lot of sweaters and long-sleeves.

His pulse and body temperature are much below normal. The hospital was concerned with this after the accident, but after a few days of him seeming fine, they had to drop it. Danny can also hold his breath about five times longer than a normal human.

Is he half-dead? Yes, technically. Does he not try and think about his mortality? Yes.

He enjoys puns and jokes still, though he makes them more as Phantom.

Speaking of Phantom, no, he doesn’t go by “Danny Phantom”. Just Phantom. He is trying to avoid dissection from his parents, you know.

Phantom has no scars from the accident, the only thing that he has in common with his human half is the mole on his cheek, but it’s green now (because yes, both halves have freckles!) because of his ectoplasm. He’s much more floaty, and if you don’t focus on him he looks like he’s made of television static. He also has little fangs.

You can see his details better up close, and the longer you spend with Phantom, the more details you can see. All ghosts are like that, their energy is on the fritz all the time and human eyes need to adjust to it to understand certain features. The only reason Sam and Tucker know him right away is because they watched him, y’know...

Danny is asexual, only realizing the identity in the middle of freshman year when Sam literally had to explain that yes, Danny, sexual attraction is a thing and not made up. (Based on my own experience.)

Sam and Tucker are both different in this story, but they still remain Danny’s only friends. They have other friends, though.

Sam is still goth.

She wears all black and even dyed her ginger hair black. There aren’t many surviving photos of Sam with her natural hair, she made sure of it.

Sam is like... punk-goth? Punk-goth-grunge? She identifies as goth, but her clothes can fit all three categories, really.

100% bisexual, has bi pins all over her bag. Out to her parents, who are slowly trying to understand. She doesn’t mind they/them pronouns, either, and her gender identity is just a shrug with middle fingers.

She knows a lot of the LGBT students at school and is the vice-president of the GSA she helped found.

Both Sam and Danny had a mutual crush on each other through half of freshman year and all of eighth grade, Sam decided that she’d rather be friends and Danny realized it was mostly him wanting to be friends.

Sam is vegan. She isn’t as pushy about it as she is in the show (I feel like it was extreme and really made fun of vegans/vegetarians, I know it’s a kids show but still) and all of her family is vegan, too. She’s big on animal rights, but recognizes the line to not cross.

Her family is also Jewish, like in canon.

Though she did campaign and successfully get the school cafeteria to have a “Tofu Tuesday” every other week, so that’s something, at least! (And where Mystery Meat would start)

Still mourns My Chemical Romance, into all music like that.

Tucker is still a “nerd”, but he doesn’t get picked on by the jocks for being a nerd.

He’s pretty hipster, too. His red beret is now a red beanie, and he has naturally curly hair poking out. He loves his natural hair, he just loves the beanie.

His “nerd” seems from his technological abilities. He has the latest smartphone a month after it comes out, and always has a “tablet”/iPad knockoff in his bag. He knows how to take things apart and sell them for money, and is also pretty good at programming.

Tucker DEFINITELY has a gaming channel. He only has about 3,000 subscribers, but that’s still pretty good. His most-popular video is him talking about the Indie game industry. He might try and program some of his own games (ahemPhantomfangameahem)

He loves meat, just like in the show. He jokes about it a lot with Sam, and Sam jokes back. Sometimes they can lead into fights if neither are in the mood, but both of them are pretty good-natured about it.

Tucker is a ladies-man, and a man’s-man, and a nonbinary’s-man-- he’s pansexual. Doesn’t figure out that’s a thing until he stays behind school one day to help Sam with the GSA, but once he does he’s out and proud. Still flirts terribly, though, but now no one is immune from his terrible flirts.

Scared of doctors and needles-- had a bad experience as a child, projects it on everything medicine-related. Tries to avoid taking medicine at all cost, unless it’s really severe. Hates flu season, can be a bit of a hypochondriac/germaphobe. Has one of those Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer things on his bag.

Out of the trio, he’s more terrified of the ghosts, though after a while he gets used to them.

The A-Listers and school remain mostly the same.

Wes Weston is 100% a thing.

The A-Listers are more preppy than before, and definitely try and get away with what they can with modern fashion-- at least, Paulina and Star will. Dash and Kwan are a bit fashion-deaf (Kwan. Owns. Crocs.)

They’re still jerks and Dash still picks on Danny a lot, but the teachers are more competent and he can’t get away with more physical stuff unless no one is looking. Dash is probably a victim of his own domestic abuse at home and takes it out on people-- totally wrong and not moral, but he doesn’t think there’s much of an option. Only Kwan and Paulina know about his situation.

Kwan is pretty smart and strong, but he dresses like a disaster. He mostly sticks to wearing his letterman jacket and a black t-shirt and jeans, but if he ever has to “dress-up” or wears something else, it’s awful. Cargo shorts galore. Crocs. Someone get the Fab 5 to help him, please.

Paulina is pretty prissy, and doesn’t like getting dirty often. She’s a cheerleader and she’s good at it, but she’s only second-in-command of the squad, or however that works. She doesn’t mind, less work for her to do, and the person in charge enjoys it a lot. Paulina tends to make fun of Sam and Tucker’s clothes often, and like the rest of the A-Listers, everything listed above for Danny (sans the Phantom thing). Once Phantom becomes big, she gets a huge celebrity crush on him, probably has ten different Stan accounts for him.

Star is the head cheerleader, and enjoys every moment of it. She also enjoys math, and she’s really good at that too. Of the canon characters, only Danny can keep up. She isn’t good at much else academia-wise, though she does enjoy a bit of biology and forensics. Much smarter than most people think-- it will astound you.

Valerie is a part of their squad at first, only because she, Paulina and Star live in the same neighborhood. After Valerie moves to an apartment, their friendship falls apart after a big fight-- this is entirely not ghost-related, by the way. Vlad only contacts her after learning that her dad was hurt in a ghost attack and Phantom wasn’t there to help, and emotionally manipulates her. She becomes the Red Huntress and hunts Danny, and they do date for a few months before calling it quits. I’m not big on shipping, per say, but if there has to be a canon endgame, it’ll be these two.

Wes Weston. He’s technically canon? I guess? But also fanon? Either way, having a character like Wesley Weston trying to expose Danny as Phantom and always failing is hilarious, but can also introduce other things into the series as well. How does Wes know? Is he like, psychic, or something...?

Oh, and Vlad.

He’s much more emotionally manipulative. Danny was really considering having him train him in ghost-powers and stuff until Vlad made an off-comment about Jack, and Danny saw through the act.

They’re very much enemies. Not frenemies, but enemies. Danny is terrified of Vlad, but doesn’t want him to hurt his family.

Vlad, above all, wants a family. He missed out on those years being in and out of the hospital because of his own, botched accident, and he has scars all over his face from the “ecto-acne” that he hides with makeup.

He’s equivalent to Elon Musk, but less of a weeabo. DALV Corporations has a lot more stock in experimental sciences, though, including paranormal investigation. When he learns that Jack and Maddie had successfully created the Ghost Portal, he puts a lot more funding into their projects and reconnects.

Still got the creepy Maddie-crush. Does get a cat named Matti, though (no connection or correlation, shut up, Daniel). Hates Jack because of his own accident, and begins to despise him even more for not noticing the scars left on Danny’s accident, too.

Less of a vampire in ghost form. He has a fire core, which makes a lot of his ectoplasm heat-based. Probably has laser eyes that Danny desperately tries to emulate but alas, cannot. The only reason he has a leg up on Danny is experience, not strength. He was only blasted in the face, not the whole body, after all.

At some point there’s probably an argument with Vlad and the Fentons and he decides “screw it” and makes an offset of DALV that focuses on ghost-hunting.

No Mayor thing, but he does move away from Wisconsin to live in Amity Park.

Amity Park is... Well, it’s something.

It was already a pretty creepy town before the ghosts get involved.

There’s always been unexplained murders, disappearances, and strange lights in the sky that no one could identify—a lot of hints towards something other-than-ghosts existing, which makes sense.

Amity Park is much weirder after the ghost portal opens. Not because of the ghost attacks and their ghostly superhero, but because the veil was torn a bit, and it was felt throughout the town.

On the moment of Danny’s accident, there was a massive power outage, and they become a bit more frequent to everyone’s dismay. Much of the older residents of the town are against ghosts—if excepting Phantom, on occasion. The younger residents are more open to the undead spectres, though, and are much less afraid of them.

Phantom becomes a youth icon, and his twitter account that started off small and as a joke gets him national popularity.

Tucker, naturally, rides this wave and gets a giant boost in YouTube subscribers, especially after he posted a few videos with Phantom. No one questions this except the A-Listers, who just want to know howhe did this.

Okay that’s enough of an info-dump I don’t want to spoil everything. I’ll probably post this stuff on my ao3—calling this story “Hero Complex” for now, still working on the title.

#Danny phantom #Danny phantom au #Danny Phantom rewrite #dp rewrite #dp #the cosmos speak #hero complex

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ohjohnno · 5 years

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Outrageous Fortune Reviewcap: S1E04 (”The Cause Of This Defect”)

This isn’t quite a bottle episode - it does feature a couple of new characters, and there are a couple of moments on new sets - but in a lot of ways it does feel like one. It’s weirdly plotless, for one thing; aside from the cold open, the entire thing takes place over a period of about, at most, five hours, and as a result it’s very slow paced. That allows for a deeper exploration of more characters than usual, and the result is one of the most complex, affecting, and engaging episodes the show ever did.

The “plot”, or rather plot substitute, is a funeral and its immediate aftermath. In the cold open, we meet this guy:

That’s Billy Grady West, and we don’t know him long. He dies a sad death by misadventure while fleeing a cop, making the mistake of hiding in a dustbin on the day the binmen come round. Over the course of the episode, we learn that he was Eric’s son, but also that he was really a West, to the point where he’d changed his name to reflect his feelings. Now, one could argue that we maybe should have been introduced to him in an earlier episode - it’s a bit weird that we’ve passed without mention of this guy so far, after all - but I don’t mind; he’s really more a plot device than a character, and that’s as it should be. The most important thing about him is that his death gives the writers an excuse to take Wolf out of prison for a day, thus setting off a chain of events that teaches us a bit more about just about every character.

It’s gonna be difficult to split this up into individual character-plot analysis like I usually do, so this is gonna be a little bit more like a traditional recap. So much of import is happening in just about every second of this episode that I’d feel worried about missing something if I didn’t. So, once we’re past the cold open and the opening credits, we jump right into the action with the Wests.

Right away, we learn several things. First, that Van - judging by the wall he punches - was very fond of Billy; secondly, that Loretta is, judging by her facial expression, a little bothered by still being what Pascalle calls “the oldest virgin in West Auckland”; and thirdly, that neither Cheryl nor Jethro are particularly looking forward to Wolf’s impending appearance at Billy’s service, even though he’ll be under guard. Eric appears, and it’s unclear whether his reticence to attend his son’s service is inability to face up to grief or just a lack of it. Then we’re at the service.

Jethro’s giving a speech over Billy’s grave, and you can tell instantly that he didn’t like him; he’s awkwardly stumbling over euphemisms about his skills and talents, treating him like an embarrassing fuckup whose funeral he is attending only out of obligation. But Wolf shows up in the middle of it, and their brief interaction is fraught with significance.

He embraces Pascalle and Eric (as Cheryl looks on in disgust), but steps up to Jethro as if he barely knows him, standing there with an abrasive “thanks, mate” and staring him down with the full force of fatherly authority until he moves, clearly seething with long-brewed resentment that surely grows a little more potent right in that moment, as he’s forced once more to put a lid on it and bottle it up, making way for the indomitable force of his father’s self-assured machismo. Wolf, for his part, then delivers a wonderfully engaging, emotionally resonant speech (mostly about a digger Billy once commandeered) that captures the audience’s hearts, driving Jethro even more round the bend. “Only he could turn a bloody tragedy into the big day out,” he seethes to Cheryl, who isn’t any happier with the situation. Her mood isn’t improved by their lawyer, Corky, demanding money up-front for the appeal. They leave him in the dust.

Back at the house now, and Jethro’s rage has subsumed into a piercingly smug contempt. He mocks Billy to Van’s face while preparing meat on the “barbie”, and he doesn’t mince words: “A p-head screwup. If he hadn’t gone now, he would have gone next week, next year...” Van doesn’t like that at all, and that seems to give Jethro all the motivation he needs to keep pushing, seemingly itching to start a fight. Their brewing confrontation is interrupted by Cheryl, but it’s clear there’s something going on here that goes far deeper than Jethro’s dislike for Billy. Indeed, it’s pretty clear that this isn’t about Van, either, who did nothing whatsoever to provoke Jethro’s barrage of needles. This is a resentment that goes all the way to the top.

Wolf’s prison guard allows him a visit to the house, too, and Cheryl still isn’t pleased to see him. Loretta is, though, and he’s not the only one she’s pleased to see.

Wolf politely introduces her to Paul, his young, attractive prison guard. Loretta, well... look at that face. The “oldest virgin in West Auckland”, indeed, but far from an unfeeling robot.

Cheryl burns her hand on a tray of sausage rolls, and runs to the bathroom for cold water; Wolf follows her, and they have brief, very confused, and very passionate sex. Loretta, meanwhile, does her best to hit on Paul, and it’s absolutely hilarious in the way that only awkward, antisocial nerd attempts at hitting on people can be. Her attempt is a nervous, motormouthed pile of obscure film references and weirdly sexual insults, the sort of thing that’s usually presented the other way around, gender-wise; it’s really quite rare to see the traditional gender roles get swapped like this, and it’s all the funnier for it. Poor Paul has no idea what to do, and it’s clear his torment isn’t gonna end anytime soon; Loretta asks him if he likes movies, and what’s anyone supposed to say to that?

Jethro, unable to piss in the toilet Van’s moping in, accidentally interrupts his parents; this unceremoniously ends their tryst, and things are immediately back to normal. Wolf, once more, demonstrates himself unable to understand what, exactly, it is that is making Cheryl so angry about the Allen situation; Cheryl, by now, has little to no interest in enlightening him. So she leaves, telling him to “fuck off back to prison”, leaving Wolf fuming in the bathroom. He sees Paul and Loretta going back to the latter’s room (for a “movie”), and it’s instantly apparent that he knows exactly what’s happening. Still, he lets it pass without comment, or at least without explicit comment; something tells me Paul might’ve been able to read between the lines when he said “I’m not going anywhere.”

Loretta continues to be her awkward self; “I’m gonna be a film director,” she proclaims while showing Paul her collection, and she keeps insulting him. He’s not bothered, but he thinks it’s funny, and he tells her so; “You don’t hold back, do you?” Loretta is suddenly very awkward indeed; “Do you think that’s... not attractive?”

In prior episodes, we’ve caught sight of the vindictive and manipulative sides of Loretta; here, we get an extremely important, timely reminder that she’s a fifteen year old girl, and that it’s absolutely essential to take that fact into account when evaluating her actions. She asks him, hesitantly and nervously, if he wants to have sex with her; he (rather shockingly) agrees, and that terrifies her. But after a moment’s frozen, deer-in-headlights terror, she gets up and closes the door anyway.

Down in the garden, Wolf has, once again, stolen Jethro’s thunder; he’s manning the barbie now, and asks Jethro if he wants a sausage. “No thanks,” says Jethro bitterly, skulking back into the house as Wolf tries to call in enough favors to convince Corky to represent him pro bono. It’s unclear whether it’s working, and Van overhears enough of it to get a little nervous. As Paul kisses Loretta - giving her what looks like a huge overload of very strong, conflicting emotions - Jethro and Cheryl commiserate in the kitchen, only for Jethro to seem to get a little mad at her for not being mad enough at Wolf. Ted wanders in, confused as usual, mentioning his late wife Rita as Pascalle consoles Eric, who seems unusually interested in the details of his late son’s sex life.

It’s not clear whether Pascalle “rooted” him before or after he changed his last name to West, not that I suppose that matters; it wasn’t like he was a blood relative, after all. Eric suggests that it was “one of the highlights, I think, of his whole life”, displaying a truly remarkable ability to perv on women in literally any conceivable circumstance; cut, hilariously, to to Loretta and Paul, lounging in bed, their facial expressions telling the whole story.

Paul, to his credit, seems upset that Loretta didn’t enjoy it, and immediately tries to make amends by, as the Jamaicans say, going bowcat. Meanwhile, Wolf and Van have a heart-to-heart in the garden; Van, it transpires, blames himself for what happened to Billy, mentioning that he didn’t join him on his criminal scheme this time because he knew Cheryl wouldn’t approve. Wolf isn’t having that. “You are a good man, with a lot on his plate,” he insists, and then something equal parts fascinating and horrible escapes his mouth: “Trying to listen to your mother and do the right thing by the family!”

It’s one short sentence that says volumes about his mentality. On the one hand, he truly does deeply, profoundly love and care about Van, and is genuinely speaking from deep within his heart as he does his best to try and comfort him. But it reveals a lot about what, exactly, is in that heart. He does, it seems, believe that a son should pay attention to the words of his mother, but the way he phrases it suggests that he really only believes this out of a sense of traditional moral obligation; he doesn’t really believe, or even countenance for a second, the notion that Cheryl could maybe have a point, the idea that her opinion is of equal value to his. Instead, he frames her decisions as a tragedy, the rock opposite the hard place that is “do[ing] the right thing by the family”, an obstacle that Van will have to overcome if he is to live up to the duties Wolf wants of him with the family. It’s advice delivered with pure intention from a deeply impure heart, and it may, alas, be just about the worst advice Van could get right now.

Elsewhere, Pascalle and Eric have been joined by Draska Doslic, a girl from a nearby Croatian family who initially appeared in episode two, but who was inconsequential enough there that I forgot to mention her. She’s Pascalle’s on-again, off-again friend, and it turns out both she and another mutual friend also, in fact, “rooted” the late Billy, much to Eric’s shock. They admit it was a “pity root”, motivated by Billy’s sad life and broken home; Eric immediately starts droning on about his sadness and guilt, about as transparent as a man can humanly get. It’s hilarious, but it’s also kinda sad in itself, y’know? Billy was raised - in theory, anyway - by a perverted, drunken criminal in an environment almost entirely filled with drunks and criminals; of course he was gonna turn out a fuckup. That cycle isn’t gonna be broken anytime soon, not if these surroundings are anything to go by.

Draska immediately perks up when Van walks in; Van barely notices, fresh off his conversation with Wolf, and accordingly starts a fight with Cheryl, drunkenly accusing her of betraying him while throwing some highly smashable stuff around. See what I meant about bad advice? Wolf has yet to learn that Van takes everything in the most simplistic, literal possible terms, and doesn’t have any sort of capacity for subtlety. If you tell him that what Cheryl’s doing is the opposite of “the right thing by the family”, how d’you expect him to react? The boy just about worships his father; the fact that he’s making him choose between him and Cheryl is cruel for both of them.

Loretta, as it turned out, did not like Paul going bowcat, and is particularly grossed out when she learns of the blood that accompanied the loss of her virginity. The whole thing seems to have made her very uncomfortable, and Paul isn’t really reading the signs very well. He’s clearly enjoying himself a lot more than she is, so he has much more motivation to keep going than she does. She’s so not enjoying it, in fact, that she’s genuinely astonished to learn that he’s willing to go again. Still, she doesn’t kick him out.

Elsewhere, Cheryl’s friend Rochelle shows up. She’ll be pretty important eventually, although that’ll take a while. She showers enthusiastic affection upon both Wolf and Eric, the latter of whom is particularly pleased. Pascalle comes out, and Wolf gives her genuine and heartfelt encouragement to pursue her modelling career; it’s a lovely thing to do, especially given Cheryl’s constant haranguing of her for it, no matter how understandable. Wolf is in such a good mood, in fact, that he starts dancing with Cheryl, who can’t keep a big grin off her face. That’s Wolf’s thing, see: he’s very charismatic indeed, and his love for his family is so genuine as to be difficult to deny. One can almost see the twenty years of beautiful memories replaying in Cheryl’s head as they dance, erasing these horrible last few months and taking her back to paradise. It’s a rare portrait of the deep love that once existed between them that we mostly missed out on in this show. It’s heartwarming and heartbreaking at once, a snapshot of a rosier past and an alternate present where everything is much happier. But, alas, it’s - how did Lorde say it? - just a supercut.

Loretta and Paul are just talking now. For a moment, it seems that Loretta has regained her confidence; she messes with him, briefly making up and retracting a story about parental abuse just to see the look on his face, and complains about how much she disliked Billy even when he was a small child. But Paul sees through it, and gently pokes her; “so you do have feelings”, he says, and her reaction is really quite fascinating. Immediately, her confidence goes away; she bundles herself up, wrapping her legs up in her arms, frowns and tremulously denies it. “Nah,” she says, “not many, if any.”

That is an important moment; it may, in character terms, be the most important moment in the episode. Loretta is a child who doesn’t fit in; she’s not like her sexy, popular sister, or her jocky, popular brother, and she feels alienated from just about everyone else in her age group. And she is, we know, a person with great capacity for doing terrible things, whose reputation on that front precedes her. And she takes refuge in that latter trait, throwing it up as her shield against a world that rejects and cruelly mocks her, throwing that cruelty back in its face in the form of searing witticisms and cruel schemes. But it’s not that she can’t feel; if anything, her feelings are very strong indeed, and at her core is a tender, fragile girl whose soul is all fractured from the neverending ache of loneliness. Maybe her actions in episode two really were jealousy; maybe that kinda abusive, controlling friendship she has with Kurt really is all she has, thus motivating her to do anything to protect the totality of her hold over him. Without him, she’d be alone with the feelings she wishes she didn’t have, having to confront her own normality.

Van, down in the garden, is not enjoying the sight of his parents dancing nearly as much as everyone else. “Your parents are so cool,” says Draska, but Van’s mind is clearly on the fragility of it all, and so off he goes, grabbing his balaclava.

He encounters Jethro on the way out, doing a very bad job of lying to him about what he’s gonna do. Jethro follows him, encountering and mostly ignoring Allen (from the last episode) on the way out. Allen walks with great purpose through the house, finds Eric, and punches him, thinking he was the one who snitched on him last episode. Wolf gently takes him aside and calmly explains to him that he was the one who snitched on him, and what follows is a fascinating demonstration of the dynamics of macho honor.

They don’t fight, that’s for sure; they converse like equals who respect one another, even though the topic of their conversation is Allen’s admitted attempts to pull Wolf’s wife. “Jesus Christ, Allen, you didn’t give me a choice!” says Wolf, and it’s fascinating that he doesn’t once suggest to Allen that maybe he might have been in the wrong to try and sleep with a married woman. Rather, he seems to view this as natural and expected, and frames his own actions as a necessary evil to protect the one he loves. He doesn’t give Cheryl any agency in this, either; she’s just the object being fought over, and Wolf seems to believe that Allen “spending every day with [her], giving her money” would have been enough to break her loyalty. But he doesn’t even think of breaking off his friendship with Allen; instead, he apologizes for what he had to do and promises to make it up to him. This episode is the last we ever see of Allen - I presume he went to prison shortly after this - but I’ve no doubt Wolf would have kept his promise if able. It’s a fascinating thing, that macho honor system, and a resilient one - but it’s not a good one.

We get a timeskip; it’s nighttime now, and Van is trying to rob a closed gas station in order to get money for Wolf’s appeal. Jethro has followed him, and gently reminds him that lawyers generally charge a little more than gas stations tend to keep within their premises. Van goes off to rob somewhere else, leaving Jethro sighing. Meanwhile, Eric is making the most of the sympathy he’s getting from Rochelle while Wolf and Cheryl talk.

Wolf lays out an ultimatum. If Cheryl still loves him, he’ll go back to prison and faithfully serve the remainder of his time, for the sake of the children; if she doesn’t, he’ll make his escape right now. Cheryl says “when you’re here, it’s like you never left”; Wolf smiles and takes that as an expression of love, but Cheryl’s face afterwards indicates that it was far more complicated a statement than that.

Maybe Cheryl does love him, but she’s also very much aware of what impact Wolf escaping would have on her kids and their lives. With that to look up to, what would become of her experiment? What would happen to her kids’ lives? And on the other hand, does she really want things to go back to how they were before Wolf left? Sure, it feels good, but where does it all lead?

Pascalle and Draska share a confession. “I didn’t really wanna root Billy”, says Draska; “Me neither,” affirms Pascalle. Draska did it to make Van jealous, and while we never find out why Pascalle did it, one presumes she had her reasons. Considered in context with Loretta’s escapades this episode, and this episode presents a fascinating critique of the way society pressures women into having sex for all sorts of reasons except them actually wanting to have sex, thus ultimately satisfying only the men at their expense. Pascalle and Draska finish up by, as The Onion once said, validating the living shit out of each other while Wolf shoos Cheryl away so he can talk about “plans” with Allen. Cheryl steps away and looks over the party, clearly having something of a moment of clarity as a psychedelic guitar solo plays from the stereo in the background. Wolf loves her enough to tell her that he does; he doesn’t love her enough to trust her with any real knowledge about the things he does.

Elsewhere, Van is breaking into a drugstore, on the same idea as before. Jethro follows him, again pointing out that this makes little sense. They’re interrupted by a kid who seems to be sleeping there, who chases them out with threats to call the cops.

White trash bastards!

Van twists some stuff round to blame Jethro for Wolf’s predicament, still following the lines Wolf himself laid out for him in their conversation earlier: that this is all because of Cheryl and her crackpot scheme to go straight, and that Jethro is aiding and abetting her by being a “mummy’s boy”. Jethro objects a little too strenuously to this characterization, and essentially flips it back on him, accusing him of wanting to be Wolf. He’s probably more right; Cheryl doesn’t realise how different Jethro is from her, but neither Van nor Wolf realise Van isn’t cut out to be Wolf 2.0. Only Jethro realises that. He cautions Van against following this path, lest he end up a “dead loser like Billy”; they fight (kinda) and Jethro, being the less drunk of the two, wins. Jethro leaves; Van turns round and sees a digger.

Jethro returns home, and he and Wolf have their first real conversation of the entire show. It might be the most hostile interaction between any two characters so far, too, and that includes that one scene in episode two where a woman was beating her nephew. There’s mutually flowing resentment here, both tied to things bigger than the men themselves. Wolf has some sort of class resentment tied up in the way his son has decided to live his life; “Mister I work in town, I wear a suit”, he mocks, bemoaning all the potential wasted when they decided to send him to the “uni-var-sity” instead of drawing him into the family business. Jethro isn’t as explicit about the reasons for his resentment, but he doesn’t need to be; it’s clear as day, and has been from the moment Wolf stepped up to him at the service. Jethro has a complex about his father, feeling at once intimidated and abandoned by him, clearly craving the love and affection he shows the other kids while idolizing his macho self-assuredness and self-control, and channeling his resentment at his lack of that into a general hatred of Wolf, the things Wolf does, and people who remind him of Wolf. He certainly didn’t have Van’s best interests in mind when he told him to be his own man and stop imitating his father; no, he was just bitter, aiming squarely where it would hurt, fighting a substitute for Wolf because he knew that was the closest he could get to beating him. “Oh, thank god Mum doesn’t buy your shit,” he snarls, but it’s clear from his actions in the previous episode that Cheryl is just an ally of convenience to him, herself not realising that she and Jethro are united only in their shared distaste for Wolf and not in any of the reasons.

Loretta and Paul are at it again; Loretta seems to be enjoying it, but quickly reveals (much to Paul’s chagrin) that it was just an act. She’s gotten bored enough now that she’s back to her usual ways, getting most of her pleasure from messing with him; when she finally tells him she’s fifteen, his shock gives her the first real smile of the night. Not that this excuses him, natch - he really should have known, and I think on some level probably did, but that didn’t stop him. He’s entirely in the wrong here, both legally and otherwise - but there’s no denying the joy she takes in making him panic. Which is the story of her life, really, so far as we’re able to tell from these four episodes - she doesn’t have a lot of joy in her life, but she takes what she can get in making other people suffer.

Wolf and Cheryl have their final conversation of the night. They share jokes and laugh at their friends, like any happily married couple. But their differences are still there, and irreconcilable. “There are no prizes for suffering, love,” says Wolf. “Nobody thanks you for it.” It’s a great, great quote, applicable to many situations and, in itself, entirely correct - but hot on its heels comes a quote arguably even more important: “I’m not gonna change, love.”

Cheryl knows he’s right, of course. But Wolf has to go before the conversation can finish. He says his goodbyes, and after he’s gone Loretta allows herself a moment of gloating to Pascalle; “You’re still a slut, but I’m no longer a virgin,” she says, before proclaiming that she’s never gonna do it again. And who can blame her? As far as I can tell, that was awful. Bad sex isn’t depicted too often on television, or if it is it’s usually the butt of very immature comedies. Here, it’s treated maturely and seriously, as an important character moment and a rare possibly-realistic depiction of the embarrassing awkwardness of teenage girldom. Hats off to the writers for this one.

Paul lets the ever-well-behaved Wolf sit in the front seat of the prison van on the way back, secure in his knowledge that he’s not gonna try and escape. Or at least that’s what he thinks before a giant digger, piloted by an ecstatically drunk Van, blocks the road ahead. Van gets out, caterwauling about an escape attempt; Paul reaches for his radio to call for backup, but Wolf assures him that he’ll handle it.

He tells Van much the same thing he’s been telling him already: “Go home and look after your mother for me, okay?” For once, it might be good advice. He gets back in the prison van; it drives off, leaving Van confused and dejected in the middle of the road.

Our final scene is Cheryl mostly-monologuing to Jethro, vocalising most of the things we’ve been able to figure she was thinking towards the end of the episode: she truly does love Wolf, and probably always will, but needs him to stay in prison if they’re to continue making a good life for themselves. “It’s like when you turn the lights on in a room full of mess,” she says; “you’ve seen it, and it’s too late.” It hurts her, but it’s good to see her making the right decision. She’s not gonna go forward with the appeal; despite everything, she’s gonna let him rot in prison. Jethro, naturally, seems perfectly happy with this decision. Alas, for all her clarity on Wolf, Cheryl is still blinkered on him; she doesn’t realise just what he is, or the reasons he feels what he feels. But for now, he’s being a good mummy’s boy, listening to her talk about feelings and getting her drinks. And so the family’s life goes on, same as before; the difference is, as Cheryl said, that the lights have been turned on now and we’ve seen a whole lot about many of these characters that can’t be unseen. There’s a depth and complexity of character here that’s rare to find in any fiction, and I cherish it very much. This is an episode without a wasted moment, where every scene is just as important as the last. It’s as good as TV writing gets, if you ask me, and it’s one of my favorite episodes of anything ever. But it’s still early days yet, and the show will cover a lot of ground, both good and bad, beyond this. To the next!

#antonia prebble #siobhan marshall #antony starr #robyn malcolm #grant bowler #television #outrageous fortune #frank whitten #rachel lang #gutter black #nz

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spookyspaghettisundae · 7 years

Text

Seeing Red

Bill had once been a good man. Rita knew that much. That’s why she had married him. She could have had smarter men, richer men, but none of them had a heart as good as his.

It had all started with the accident at the construction site. Two decades of being a foreman, and they wouldn’t listen to him. He had told them it wasn’t safe, but time was of the essence, and they were already behind schedule. When the pipes came crashing down from their unsecured stack, the workers all leapt to safety, but Bill’s reflexes weren’t quite what they used to be. He was just a bit too slow.

One of the pipes crushed his left ankle and foot. He went through several surgeries, inserting and later removing big metal screws and plates, leaving him with a slight limp and a lot of pain. Oh, the pain. It remained even after they had removed the hardware. Bill couldn’t take it without the painkillers. He’d tried, but it was just too much. The doctors said that it might be psychological, but Bill didn’t agree. His mind was fine, it was his ankle that hurt.

After he had recovered enough to work again, he told his bosses, which was when he learned that they had quietly replaced him. In a way, this crushed Bill more than the pipes had because it crushed his spirit. Trying to find a new job in his late fifties proved to be difficult to say the least. All his work experience didn’t matter once his prospective employers saw the limp. But most of them didn’t even bother to meet him anyway. They just let him know that he wasn’t what they were looking for, which was a corporate way of saying that he was too old.

Bill had always been able to provide for his family, but now he felt useless. Good thing all the children had left the nest already. With the feeling of uselessness came the shame, with the shame came the alcohol, with the alcohol came the anger, and with the anger came the need for a release. Usually, it came in the form of bitter mumbling or heated arguments with his mates at the pub, but sometimes he just lost it. And when he lost it, he lost it completely.

He could never remember how it happened, but it must have happened more than once. Rita had the bruises to prove it. The worst thing about it was that she was almost understanding, rather willing to forgive him, and she even tried to help him “process his pain”, as she put it. She still believed that they could work their way through it, like they always had.

He wished that was true, but in his heart of hearts, he knew it wasn’t possible. The Bill she still loved was too far gone. All that was left was Anger, boiling underneath the surface, waiting to be released. He didn’t even feel like himself any more. It was like something was slowly taking him over, and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

Bill had tried. It wasn’t always the alcohol that triggered it, and it certainly wasn’t Rita. She was as sweet as ever, the Anger was just looking for a reason to surface.

He had come home from the local pub late that night. He wasn’t even really drunk, he had only had two pints over the span of the whole evening, but he was staggering home nonetheless. Damn ankle.

When she saw him entering the door, Rita knew she was in trouble. He had that particular look in his eyes. It was almost leering, as if he was looking for something. That something probably being a reason to hurt her.

As she slowly put her knitting on the coffee table next to her, she decided to get out of his way as fast as possible. Maybe she could find a way to avoid his wrath tonight.

She smiled timidly and said, “Hello, my dear. I left you some stew in the refrigerator, in case you’re hungry. I can warm it up for you if you like, but I won’t join you for dinner. I’ve already had my stew a while ago, and I have to finish the baby bonnet before I’m off to bed. Betty is coming over tomorrow morning to fetch it.”

Bill stared at her with absent-minded eyes. He took something chunky out of his coat pocket and said, “Do you know what this is?” He didn’t wait or an answer but went on instead. “When I was walking up to the front door just now, I tripped over a cobblestone lying in our driveway. Care to explain that?” His voice sounded weirdly high-pitched, almost like a shriek.

“Frankie and Jack must have played with the cobblestones in the yard and left one in the driveway when our Betty came over this afternoon. The boys were running all over the place while we fed apple sauce to little Molly and measured her adorable little head for the bonnet.”

“Are you saying this is my fault?” he yelled.

She flinched and looked at him with surprise and a sudden fear. “No, of course not.”

“But if I had finished paving the damn footpath already, I wouldn’t have tripped, right? What a great builder I am, eh?”

“You are a great builder, you’re just down on your luck. Eventually, someone will recognise your talent and hire you.”

“Hire me? You’d like that. Then I’d finally be out of your hair.”

Rita tried to smile and said, “I like having you around.”

“No, you don’t. You asked me to pick up a hobby. That was your way of telling me to get lost.”

“I just thought that my hobbies – the knitting, the canasta with the ladies, and the reading – they make me happy, and I thought you could use some of that, too.”

“Happy? This cobblestone business doesn’t make me happy. It just reminds me of my failure. I’m collecting unemployment benefits while I should get paid for my work. And what do I do at home? I’m working for free. So my wife gets a pretty footpath to show off to her friends.”

“You chose this project yourself, dearest. I never even suggest–”

“Don’t interrupt me, woman. I’m still the provider of this household,” Bill screamed. And before he knew what he was doing, he had thrown the rock.

Rita felt no pain, she just felt a strangely sticky liquid gushing from her forehead. She rubbed her eyes and blinked several times, but instead of helping, this just got more blood into her eyes.

Through a crimson haze, she literally saw red. But she also did so figuratively, because suddenly, her whole mind went as red as the blood on her face, and she heard herself release a deeply guttural scream as her body tensed up with rage.

Afterwards, Rita couldn’t remember a thing. She was still sitting in her wing chair, but Bill was lying on the floor, a puddle of blood forming around him with alarming speed.

Her first clear thought was that this bloodstain would be very hard to remove from the beige carpet. And then she saw one of her spare knitting needles sticking out of his right eye. The realisation stirred no emotion whatsoever. It was just a fact. Was this what shock felt like?

Bill was twitching and mumbling incoherently when Rita picked up the receiver of the old black rotary dial phone and called the emergency services. After she had hung up, she took her embroidered cotton handkerchief from her pocket, wiped her face and hands, and picked up her knitting. It was still lying right next to the phone where she had put it when Bill had entered the house.

“Must finish the bonnet before going to bed. Betty is counting on me. The sudden drop in temperature isn’t good for little Molly. We better keep her cute little head warm. Maybe I should add some mittens, just to be safe.”

—Submitted by Lone-Eyed

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honestgrins · 8 years

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human klaroline at a party. klaus is talking to his friends when drunk caroline comes up behind him. she catches him by surprise when she grabs his hips and starts thrusting into him. klaus is embarrassed, his friends think it's funny. katherine recorded it on her phone and caroline is mortified after watching it. (inspired by kourtney kardashian's instagram video with kylie at. please don't judge me for keeping up with them).

I would never judge, Anon! I made some slight adjustments, but I hope you like it!

Mortified || Klaroline

Caroline awoke to the bang of her bedroom door opening, though the piercing pain in her temples quickly took precedence. “Ow,” she moaned. Pressing her face into the pillow helped to block the offensive morning light; unfortunately, it couldn’t do the same for her roommate.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Katherine teased, jumping onto the bed to throw off the covers.

Cringing from the onslaught of light and noise, Caroline reluctantly accepted her fate. “Hangover cure, please.” She held out her hand, grateful for the aspirin and the protein shake Katherine passed her. Choking down the chalky drink, Caroline winced when she finally opened her eyes. “What happened last night?”

“I’m so glad you asked.” Katherine smirked as she pulled up her Snapchat story. “Remember your adamant plan to finally suss out Klaus’s deal with you?” she asked smugly.

Caroline racked her brain for any memories of the night before, but they all ended around Kol’s birthday dinner with all their friends - and Klaus. “He showed up at the Grill late, right? I don’t know anything about a plan.”

Though she could guess.

When she met Kol Mikaelson in college, he was just the trust-fund baby looking to sleep his way through college (both literally and figuratively). After weeks of feuding and Caroline snapping back at his smart-ass remarks, a grudging respect was born. Over the years since, that respect grew into an iron bond of friendship.

His brother, on the other hand, never seemed to care very much one way or the other about her witty banter. Klaus had been the one to take pity on a recently graduated Kol whose trust fund access was cut off when he didn’t want to move back home to join the family business. With Caroline moving to Chicago for her first big-girl job, it was a no-brainer to live with his follow, ne'er-do-well brother just a few blocks away.

It was during Caroline’s apartment-warming party a few weeks earlier that she realized Klaus Mikaelson was weirdly quiet. She and Katherine, a fellow Whitmore grad with better closet options and cleaning habits than Kol, encouraged everyone they invited to bring a friend in an effort to widen their social circle in a new city. When Kol bought his artsy architect of a brother, she thought he’d be a natural fit for their group.

Honestly, tolerating Kol was the first task to master, and the guy was living with him.

Katherine had called dibs immediately upon seeing his tousled curls and delicious scruff, but Klaus’s nonverbal reactions to her blatant come-ons were too much work for her. Caroline had rolled her eyes at Kat’s annoyed declaration, determined to strike up a conversation with him. She had noticed him glancing in her direction throughout the night. Being Kol’s brother put him firmly in her ‘friend’ pile, but Caroline wasn’t above a little innocent flirtation among friends. Hell, it was the best way to survive both Kat and Kol.

Still, Klaus hadn’t risen to the occasion. He nodded appropriately, attentively listening to her babble about linen closets for some reason, but he had nothing to offer in return. It was like talking to a mirror that would now and then hum noncommittally in response. Every time she asked a direct question, he would pensively take a drink, pause, then quietly answer with the barest explanation. While she was all for people doing what they needed to in social situations, Caroline hated that he felt so uncomfortable in her presence; Klaus quickly moved from the 'friend’ pile to the 'guy standing alone at the party’ corner.

According to Katherine, though, she had apparently decided enough was enough at Kol’s birthday party.

“Your plan to, and I quote, 'find out Klaus’s weird grudge against hot blondes’ involved slamming back the tequila shots Kol gleefully fed you,” Katherine explained just as gleefully. “After about an hour of thinly veiled comments about 'actual conversationalists’ and 'judgmental staring,’ you decided that Klaus wasn’t blushing hard enough and took to the stage for karaoke.”

Caroline frowned, unsure why she let herself get so worked up to actually unleash the hell of her overactive mind on Klaus. She usually had more tact than that, especially after Kol explained his brother was just super shy with strangers. Caroline had shrugged that first meeting off, then, figuring he would warm up to her over time. It wasn’t until Klaus had formed biting retorts to Katherine’s constant needling that Caroline was officially offended.

“How did I become persona non grata before Kat?” she had asked Kol furiously. The little jerk just shrugged and smirked at her frustration, swearing he had no idea.

It was a lie, and Caroline knew it - which was probably why she had allowed Kol to feed her shots and fuel whatever confrontation Kat had inevitably captured on her phone. “Show me,” Caroline demanded, resigned.

Scrolling past drunk selfies on her story, Kat landed on a surprisingly loud video. Caroline automatically recognized Joan Jett’s 'Do You Wanna Touch?’ playing, though she could hardly believe the blonde girl giving an exaggerated lap dance while singing was her. “I-is that-”

“-you grinding on Klaus’s lap in front of the whole bar?” Kat finished with a smile. “Yep. You had moves, too, ended up with some bills thrown for you. Mostly from Kol, but still.”

Embarrassment burned her cheeks as Caroline squeezed her eyes shut. “Oh, my god. I’m such a bitch.”

“A sexy bitch,” Katherine supplied unhelpfully. She just shook her head when Caroline groaned in misery. “Get over it, Forbes. Dimples got under your skin, so you called him out in your…own, particular fashion. What’s the big deal?”

“A, it was Kol’s birthday I turned into a personal sideshow.” Caroline held up her thumb before adding a finger for each additional point. “B, you published a video of me giving a lap dance. C, I gave that lap dance to Klaus, Kol’s painfully shy brother who can barely speak to me after a month of knowing each other. He must have been mortified.”

Katherine snorted, replaying the video. “No, sweetie,” she mocked. “He was too busy staring at your boobs. As fun as this whole dumb blonde thing has been for me and Kol, I really need you to wake up and realize Klaus is stupidly into you.”

Scoffing, Caroline finally got out of bed to get dressed. “He’d actually have to hold a conversation with me to like me.” It was an old argument since moving to Chicago, one of Kol’s favorites. “Like you said, he’s too focused on my boobs.” Wrangling them into a bra under her dress, Caroline waved goodbye.

“Where are you going?”

“To straighten out this mess you did nothing to help me avoid!”

With that, Caroline slammed the front door shut as she fled the apartment.

As loud and determined as she left for Klaus and Kol’s place, Caroline felt a rare timidness when she finally stood in front of their door. Summoning her courage, she knocked twice and bounced on her toes while the footsteps inside came her way. Klaus was the one to open the door, a tired hand running through his rumpled curls. “Caroline?”

“Hi,” she greeted softly. He only seemed surprised to see her, not angry or dismissive like she had feared. “Can I come in?”

Stepping aside, Klaus pointed toward his couch. Caroline took the hint and sat, though her eyes roved around the neat, minimalist apartment. “I’m surprised you can keep the place so clean with Kol as a roommate. He’s a walking tornado.”

“Part of the agreement we made when he moved in,” Klaus answered. He rubbed his neck as he watched her fidget on the couch. Rather than addressing the oddness of the situation, he just waited her out.

Caroline wasn’t good with silence. “So, where is Kol? Too hungover to get out of bed?”

Almost instantly, the tips of Klaus’s ears flushed pink. “He didn’t make it home last night, actually,” he said quietly. “I saw him leave with that Enzo chap.”

Caroline frowned. “But my coworker Bonnie brought Enzo to the party, I thought they were dating.”

Coughing, Klaus shook his head. “No, love, I think Bonnie left with them, too,” he explained, his face cutely bashful.

“Ah,” Caroline smiled in realization. “Happy birthday to Kol, I guess.” Her smile faded as the reason for her visit came back to mind. Glancing down to her knees, she picked at the hem of her dress. “But I should be honest and tell you that Kol wasn’t the one I came to see. I think I owe you an apology.”

She peeked up to see Klaus’s expression; he seemed curious, as opposed to upset. Interpreting that as silent encouragement, she took a deep breath to prepare herself. “As you can probably tell, I don’t remember a lot of what happened last night, because I was completely wasted, and Kat showed me a video that I wish she hadn’t had the opportunity to take, not only because my voice was a little pitchy during karaoke, but also because of the inappropriate dancing that might have been fueled by tequila,” she rambled. At his blank stare, however, her mouth decided to keep going. “You know, the dancing that breached all personal space and proper manners.” Holding out her hand, she gestured broadly below his belt. “In that general area.”

Curling his lips into his mouth, the dimples in his cheeks betrayed Klaus’s smile. “Caroli-”

“-and I know you’re shy, and I probably embarrassed the hell out of you in front of so many strangers, and I can’t begin to apologize enough for basically forcing my insecurities onto you because I can’t figure out why I’m the only one you don’t even try to talk to, when that was so not the way to go about broaching the subject because you’re a person with your own needs and habits and you don’t need me barging in with my own expecta-”

This time, the interruption came from Klaus sitting next to her and reaching for her hand. Caroline’s mouth closed with a snap; her eyes were automatically drawn to the light circles he drew on her wrist with his thumb. “Perhaps I needed the push,” he admitted.

“Push for what?” Her voice was hesitant, breathy as the space between them shrank.

Quiet as always, Klaus just leaned in to place a soft kiss on her cheek. Small pecks lingered on a path to her lips, where he brushed his mouth against hers until she sank into the kiss. For a long moment, she breathed him in when he pulled away. “Oh,” she finally sighed. Remembering her spat with Katherine earlier, Caroline’s brow furrowed in confusion. “But you don’t talk to me.”

Rubbing his nose along hers, Klaus seemed to be searching for the correct words. “I listen more than you think,” he answered. “I’m not used to sharing much, but I enjoy listening to you talk. You love your work, your apartment, your family, your friends. You hate the color of your kitchen, the latest episode of your favorite show, and whoever thinks casual Fridays include velour tracksuits.”

Caroline stared in shock. “It’s just babbling,” she pointed out. “You can’t really remember all that.”

“You’re passionate, love.” His hand was drawing those distracting circles on her wrist again. “I place high value on passion.”

“What are you passionate about?” she asked softly, letting her lips brush his as she spoke.

Smirking, Klaus kept that inch of distance between them. “I’ve taken a sudden liking to karaoke,” he whispered against her lips.

She shoved him lightly, giggling. “That might be the first joke I’ve heard you make,” she said. “But seriously, I know nothing about you, save what Kol tells me.”

“Don’t believe a thing he says.”

“I don’t, trust me,” she snorted. “So, what are your passions? I want to know.”

Klaus ran a hand along her side, and she tried not to react to the warmth. “You’re welcome to find out,” he said. “I have a makeshift art studio in a spare room, my work desk is right over there if you’d like to see a blueprint. There’s also a great bottle of wine I’ve been keeping for a special occasion.”

“Those are great and varied passions.” Caroline noted the way his eyes traced the freckles across her nose, smiling as he realized he was caught staring. “Any others?”

“I can think of one,” he murmured before kissing her again.

For a guy who didn’t talk much, Caroline wasn’t embarrassed to admit that Klaus certainly knew how to use his mouth.

#klaroline drabbles #klaroline #to rely on the kindness of strangers #anon anon #asked and answered #not so prompt prompt

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peppersandcats · 8 years

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Pipebombe

Hey, anon! Sorry this took so long. For the response to the ship meme, my thoughts on Pipebomb, and a mini-proposal-dialogue-drabble!

who is more likely to hurt the other?

Emotionally, Axel. He means well, and he has been explicit about being aromantic so that’s not even a source of confusion, but his most significant and long-lasting relationship was primarily by letter (not even email), which is by definition a medium which allows for careful picking of words and at least two days to think about things between exchanges. He hasn’t had as much practice with on-the-fly interactions with someone he cares about, certainly not when there isn’t an overriding grand plan governing his actions, and there is a lot of inadvertant trampling.

Physically, neither is very likely. If I had to pick, I’d bet on Hartley; he’s fairly controlled about it, but he’s the one we’ve seen lash out on his own initiative. I’m not saying it’d necessarily be effective unless he caught Axel by surprise, but I think he’s more likely to try.

who is emotionally stronger?

This is probably a good time to establish two things; first, that I am running primarily off the TV versions of the characters, and second, that strength does not necessarily manifest in a positive way. I don’t have a lot to go on, and what I do have is thin in terms of points of comparison, so I’m judging in terms of how self-possessed they are in unpleasant situations.

I’m not giving Axel as many points for not flinching around Jesse as I’d give someone else–Jesse is legitimately terrifying, but I think their relationship precludes Axel considering him as a threat–but I will note that he never seems to go off his stride, and I don’t want to assume that the things he does are necessarily easy for him to do just because we don’t see him flinching while he does them. I believe his devotion to Jesse is what prompts him, but that doesn’t mean the devotion is easy to follow through on.

That said, I’m going to give this one to Hartley, because staying calm and executing your own plan while you’ve put yourself in a poisonously small prison cell where an evil speedster could kill you as you are in the process of irritating him holy crap. But it’s potentially really close.

who is physically stronger?

Axel. Not by as much as Hartley thinks, though.

who is more likely to break a bone?

This one’s pretty close to a tie. Axel’s more likely to get into a physical situation where it’d happen, but I think he’s also likely to handle himself better in one.

(I do think Hartley’s had some training in how to fight–grabbing someone’s foot when they try to kick you and successfully flipping them is not a layman’s trick–but looking at what happened with Cisco, he seems to try to get out of the fight as quickly as possible, and I suspect he might misjudge how down his opponent is and turn his back on them.)

who knows best what to say to upset the other?

Possibly surprisingly, this one goes to Axel. Hartley does pay a lot of attention and has had a lot of practice figuring out how to needle people, but Axel just doesn’t care about most of the things that usually work and there’s a learning curve. Axel, on the other hand, has also had a great deal of practice being really annoying, and much as Hartley is used to dismissing jibes from people he doesn’t care about, he isn’t very good at setting aside ones from people he does care about.

They both know each other’s particular soft spots; James Jesse for Axel, Wells and the Rathaways for Hartley. Neither of them goes there casually, but Axel’s a little more willing to cross that line than Hartley.

Finally, Axel is remarkably good at upsetting Hartley without knowing that he’s going to. Lines like “Why the hell’d you come out to your parents? No way am I the only guy who’d fuck you without needing to meet them,” and “Wait, your boss meant for the particle accelerator to blow up and you helped? Best prank of 2013!” have not, historically, gone over well.

who is most likely to apologise first after an argument?

After an argument, Hartley. It’s not very necessary, since Axel is largely pretty indifferent to people thinking he’s doing something wrong, but he doesn’t object.

After a fight–here defined as actually getting angry rather than just disagreeing, if that makes sense–Axel gets upset first and tries to smooth it over. Unfortunately his tactic of trying to convince people that “it wasn’t that bad and you don’t need to freak out” is not generally one that works on Hartley.

who treats whose wounds more often?

Hartley treats Axel’s more often. Axel’ll take care of himself unless Hartley volunteers or he literally can’t manage it himself, but Hartley likes knowing that something’s been done properly and actually does volunteer.

Axel doesn’t mind helping Hartley if Hartley asks, but if something looks bad enough for him to get involved without being asked he is much more likely to yell for Boo and then follow her instructions than he is to take care of it himself.

who is in constant need of comfort?

It’s not constant, but Hartley’s a lot more prone to needing it.

who gets more jealous?

Hartley. He doesn’t cope with it well, because he doesn’t acknowledge it, because jealousy would be irrational and he feels like he’s agreed that that’s not what’s going to happen. It leaves him feeling angry and off, and occasionally gives him tension headaches. It’s not a constant, though.

who’s most likely to walk out on the other?

Axel. It’s not a common occurrence, but there have been a few times that he’s been really upset, and then he decides it’s best if they aren’t around each other. Hartley is not a fan of these unilateral decisions. Axel lets Hartley complain about it after he comes back.

who will propose?

I’m not sure I can really see this, but:

“Pipes.”

“’m sleeping.”

“Hey, Pipes.”

“Dear god I’m sleeping.”

“You think we’ll get caught?”

“If we make mistakes because we’re tired.”

“Yeah, I guess. Everyone’d blame me, though.”

“…really.”“

You came up with a big chunk of the idea. But… you know. ‘Cause of the glitter in the bomb and the glue spray. People’re gonna blame me.”

“Is you getting the attention a problem?”

“No. No. I just thought… If we both get caught I figured out how they couldn’t make you testify about anything I did.”

“That seems weirdly specific.”

“I thought you liked planning for things. Anyway, you ever heard of spousal privilege?”

“…”

“Pipes?”

“This is a dream, right?”

who has the most difficult parents?

…seriously? *cracks knuckles* Alright then.

(First, to make something clear: while I am entirely willing to believe that tv!James Jesse is not Axel’s biological father (for reasons outlined here and also I do not trust him), I don’t think that’s an issue. Jesse’s claimed to be his father, Axel’s accepted it, and regardless of the outcome of the specific interpersonal dynamics I am fundamentally respecting the acceptance. If Barry can have two or three dads, Axel can certainly have at least one.)

(Furthermore, while I’ve got no indication one way or the other about Axel’s mother, I see no reason from either the show or what I’ve read of the comics to assume she was difficult. I have headcanons, but they don’t apply to this question.)

What I’m going to go with is that Hartley’s parents do more to cause him pain, but Axel’s interaction with his dad does more to subsume and hurt him. I’m not saying Axel would have been well-adjusted without Jesse, but I am saying that devoting himself that utterly to a parent who had him dropping bombs on small children is likely to really limit his ability to develop healthy boundaries and independent interests.

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public?

Hartley. Axel’s a lot more prone to touching, but doesn’t usually hold hands; he’s a lot more likely to put one or both arms around Hartley, or put one hand on Hartley’s shoulder or the back of his neck, and he’ll usually pull his hand free so he can do that if Hartley does start holding hands.who comes up for the other all the time?

Still not entirely sure of the phrasing, but if I should be reading this to mean “goes out of their way to approach the other”, it’s more often Axel. (He has made it explicitly clear that he’s not interested in being the only one who initiates either sex or one-on-one interaction, though.)

who hogs the blankets?

Hartley hogs the blankets more often, but then Axel either curls up closer to him and gets under them as well or pulls them back before curling up closer to him. The latter is more of a case of “I get to pile the blankets on top of us” and less “these are mine not yours”.

who gets more sad?

When it hits, Axel.

who is better at cheering the other up?

Axel. He knows how to get reactions out of people. He likes getting reactions out of people. And Hartley is both invested in him and generally curious, which means that all Axel needs is a little hook and he can usually get Hartley paying enough attention that it’s possible to start shifting his mood. Plus while Hartley is more snarky and standoffish than many, his need for comfort isn’t particularly unusual, and hugs are surprisingly effective. (In the circumstances I’m writing him in, I strongly suspect he’s a little touch-starved.)

Hartley isn’t nearly as good at making people happier (manipulating them to choose a course of action, yes; manipulating them to feel better, not so much), but he generally manages to at least be reassuring. Also, Axel can tell when Hartley’s trying to cheer him up, and the fact that Hartley bothers occasionally makes him feel better in and of itself. Not a lot of people go out of their way to try to cheer Axel up.

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

Not all the time, but Hartley does it occasionally. Axel counts it as a victory when it happens.

Axel doesn’t swat Hartley when Hartley makes jokes–as I’ve mentioned before, a lot of people miss it when Hartley makes jokes–but he does occasionally do it when Hartley says something that he thinks is absurd.

who is more streetwise?

Axel.who is more wise?

Generally, Hartley. Axel’s better at letting bygones be bygones, though, and accepting that you cannot change some things.

who’s the shyest?

As @notsolittlegirlevenmorelost once said, Axel Walker did not become the Trickster because he wants to avoid being the focus of attention.

This one goes to Hartley, although it’s less a case of him being generally closed off and more a case of there being entire firework displays that are shyer than Axel Walker. I am willing to bet Mark “I am a GOD!” Mardon has days when he is shyer than Axel Walker. It’s just a thing.

who boasts about the other more?

Axel. Not always loudly, just with much less of a “that was a casual question about my weekend, maybe they just want an ‘oh, fine, you?’ sort of answer” filter than Hartley would like.

who sits on whose lap?

Hartley sits on Axel’s lap occasionally, but Axel uses Hartley’s lap as a pillow more often than that. He thinks it’s great; he can lie down on the couch and watch a movie without getting a crick in his neck and Pipes can just read whatever he’s reading and pretend to be ignoring the movie. He’s also more likely to sprawl out and hook a leg over Hartley’s lap if they’re sitting side-by-side on a couch or something.

#ask meme response #axel walker #hartley rathaway #pipebomb #my headcanons #anon asks

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suzanneshannon · 5 years

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Thank You (2019 Edition)

One of our yearly traditions here is to thank all y'all CSS-Tricks readers at the passing of a new year. It means a lot to me that people come here and read the words I write, and the words of all our staff and guest authors that contribute here as well.

Thank you!

Plus, we dig into the numbers this time of year. I've always tried to be open about the analytics on this site. Looking at them year after year always serves up a good reminder: niche blogging is a slow game. There's no hockey-stick growth around here. Never has been, never will be. The trick is to build slowly over time, taking care of the site, investing in it, working hard, and with some luck, numbers trend upward. This year, overall traffic didn't even do that. Sometimes you gotta fight for what you've got! Growth came in other areas though. Let's take a gander.

It was January 1st, 2019 that the current design of this site (v17) debuted, so this entire year overlaps perfectly with that. I'll certainly be tempted to release major iterations with that same timing in the future for comparison sake.

Overall numbers

Google Analytics is showing me 90.3 million pageviews, which is a bit of a decline from 2018 at over 91 million. A 1% decline. Not a big problem, but of course I'd way rather see a 1% increase instead. We'll take that as a kick in the butt to produce a stronger year of content to hopefully more than win it back.

Looks like we published 726 articles over the year, which includes link posts and sponsored links. A good leap from 636 last year and 595 the year before that. Clearly quantity isn't the trick to traffic for us.

I don't know that we'll slow down necessarily. I like the fact that we're publishing multiple times a day with noteworthy links because I like to think of us as a timely industry publication that you can read like a daily or weekly newspaper in addition to being an evergreen reference. I don't think we'll invest in increasing volume, though. Quality moves the needle far more than quantity for this gang.

There is a bunch of numbers I just don't feel like looking at this year. We've traditionally done stuff like what countries people are from, what browsers they use (Chrome-dominant), mobile usage (weirdly low), and things like that. This year, I just don't care. This is a website. It's for everyone in the world that cares to read it, in whatever country they are in and whatever browser they want to. We still track those numbers (because Google Analytics automatically does), so we can visit them again in the future and look historically if it gets interesting again. Taking a quick peak, however, it's not much different than any other year.

Performance numbers are always fascinating. Google Analytics tells me the average page load time is 5.32s. On my fast home internet (even faster at the office), the homepage loads for me in 970ms, but it's more like 30 seconds when throttled to "Slow 3G." "Fast 3G" is 8 seconds. Sorta makes sense that most visitors are on faster-than-3G connections since the traffic is largely skewed toward desktop. No cache, we're talking 54 requests (including ads) and 770KB (fits on a floppy). It's good enough that I'm not itching to dig into a performance sprint.