#i would die from stress i already have too many fucking projects rn

[jellyfishvibes]

Getting hella frustrated about zelda wikis and how limited each are but not insane enough to join the wiki team to add all the shit their missing

[steponmepinkjun]

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 18

IN THIS EPISODE OF ROBLOX OOF NOISE:

“Yes.” Glynda couldn’t hang up, not without: “I’m—I’m sorry. About what I—”

“It’s alright. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay—” The feed cut. Softly, Glynda said again, “Okay.”

GLYNDA DISCOVERS WHY BEING CINDER FALL SUCKS

do u know how hard it is to wake up and play animal crossing whilst knowing this chapter looms over yr shoulder,

OKAY HERE WE GO

She was fidgety; even Cinder mentioned her pacing, shooting a critical eye her way. Glynda sat, intent on stillness; moments later, Cinder mentioned her bouncing leg.

i LOVE it when a chapter calls me out just right out of the gate hahaha who gave u the right

"Really?" How long had they been doing that? How long ago had Cinder noticed? "Should I stay?"

cinder: maybe i should tell glynda abt that /see glynda pacing a dent into the floor cinder: ooooooor i could. NOT give her an excuse to bully them for something to do,

On her way down the street, Glynda couldn't help but stare at the car, its tinted windows revealing nothing within. As she passed it, she kept glancing over her shoulder, expecting an attack or something. But nothing came of it.

HJGDFSGSDFHKGHJDF GLYNDA,,,,,,,,,,, can u imagine being in the white fang, and sittin in yr fuckin. TINTED WINDOWED like BULLETPROOF CAR and yr sat on yr ass watching out for cinder “dumbass” fall and suddenly glynda goodwitch, The Top Bitch, comes out and starts GLARING YR CAR DOWN,,, like ah. i think she knows we’re here. hrm. hm.

i would just like. drive to mcdonalds and get some nuggies at that point.

She had a clutch of flash-images and a wash of emotions and impressions, the raw materials of memory, stored as-is without refining. She was quite used to that—most of her missions were hazy and rough in her memory, mere sketches of events.

i cant wait for glynda to become a vlogger if only so she can actually have physical proof of whatever the fuck happens whenever she goes out and about. get her a go-pro.

It told her: despite her restlessness, despite the arduous journey here, and despite the way Vale seemed to call for her from somewhere beyond the horizon, she felt quite content to be where she was.

the difference having a gf has huh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, u got a whole ass home (being cased by the fang) a real nice city to live in (its floating and atlas wants yr number) a bunch of unread msgs (from a [redacted] who [redacted]) and its a nice day!!! its all coming together. but probably not for very long,

(i got very distracted at this point making a line graph for the animal crossing stalk market so here we go, x2 edition,)

That meant the nightlife would soon begin. She had never liked crowds; too many people, too much input at once. It was hard to focus, to be comfortable.

/chefs kiss

autistic glynda did u kno: id die for u,

Since she’d blocked Ozpin’s number, there was no chance of receiving anything directly from him—but there was still a moment of pause each time she checked her Scroll, as if expecting his smiling face to appear somehow.

OH YEAH LMAO SHE DID THAT SHIT HUH,,,,,,,,,, i still cannot BELIEVE that happened. GOD. cant wait for this to bite her entire ass right off her body,

By the time she reached the top landing, Winter had replied: “I wasn’t aware that you had additional support on this mission, Professor. I will need their full name and Hunter’s license number.”

To answer Cinder Fall and she doesn’t have a license, but she does have several warrants for her arrest felt like inviting Winter to question not only her integrity, but her sanity as well.

SDHGJFKSKGHDJFGJHDKF i cant say what makes this funnier because 👈😎👈 but HOHOHOHOOOOO could u imagine the fallout if she did just, say that shit. if we just went and fuckin said it like it was no biggie--

Finally, Glynda let her shoulders relax, exhaling deeply, like she would before rushing a Grimm. She wrote it plainly: “The clearance is for Cinder Fall.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MA’AM WHAT THE F U C K

winter rn:

She’d just have to wriggle her way out of having to talk face-to-face, then return the game to a field she felt slightly more comfortable with: text.

okay this is so funny to me cause i just keep thinking of her sending ‘no reason’ to oz. a MASTER of textual conversion. un fucking PARALLELED in this field, UNRIVALLED,

Glynda tossed a look at the door as well, her mouth pulling into a line; what if Cinder came outside? What if—

Could Winter track her exact position using her Scroll signal? She minimized the projection of Winter’s face and hurried off in a random direction the instant she hit the bottom of the stairs.

i LOVE these two because this is the first time we’ve rly seen glynda like. Actively do smthng to defend cinder in this sort of way? she’s been pretty passivve abt letting cinder take the lead when theyre together but on her own shes thinking of all the contingencies to make sure winter cant find cinder and u know what. thats gay. what will u do for yr not-gf when yr talking to someone who would kick her ass in a hot second,

also im TAKING to grab choice lines here to comment upon but honestly this next section is SO GOOD that im rly struggling to find a line to encapsulate how much i am LOVING this convo. i cant say exactly WHY im loving it because again thats 👈😎👈 BUT KNOW THAT THIS IS VERY GOOD FOOD AND I AM ENJOYING IT. and im also enjoying this line a lot

Winter’s voice was decisive: “Professor, if you hang up on me, I am flying to your location—tonight.”

winter: if y’all dont shut the fuck up back there i am turning this car, city, and continent AROUND,

It was the same thing, over and over: people didn’t understand her and she didn’t understand them. It was an exercise in futility that only gave her grief. In the end, she gave up on trying to explain herself. She resigned to being wrong, to always being wrong, even when she knew she wasn’t.

OOF OKAY WHAT THE HELL IS UP W/ THIS FIC AND CALLOUTS. HUH??? ME BITCH!!! I FEEL THAT!! AND IT SUCKS,

/reads the next bit

oh are we donning our tinfoil hats? we’re donning our tinfoil hats.

It was so easy. Glynda didn’t stumble over her words even once; didn’t waver. She was built for doing harm. Her anger burned hot and clean; it excised all the hurt like a malignant tumor.

Maybe she really had learned something from Cinder—channeling her frustration, her guilt, her pain, all of it into anger like this was something Glynda was new to. But it felt good. She leaned into it, letting it take the reins; the distressing memories vanished like wisps of smoke, vaporized by the heat of her wrath.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS god this is. SO EXCITING. i also love it when ppl rub off one one another its my FAV thing in the WORLD and this anger is. WOO. this anger is. DANDY. its also a very short-term burst of pleasure glynda so enjoy that hollowed-out whoopsie feeling that i sure get when i Blow Up,

“She butchered my friend!” Winter snarled, the camera shaking as she slapped the desk. “She butchered my friend in the streets like he was cattle! And I have done everything in my power to help you! Everything! To keep her from doing the same to you, and you’ve blown me off or lied or—” Winter’s voice snagged. “And now you tell me—you accuse me—”

It was early evening in Umbraroot, but it must already be night in Atlas. The shadows revealed the unclean angles of Winter’s face: the bruises of exhaustion under her eyes, the lines of stress at the corners of her mouth.

im sorry im just copy-pasting wholesale at this point but OH this is GOOD. i cant rly explain. like. the difference-- because you’d think from the og version this is just a bit more flavouring right? its like getting a bit of hot sauce on yr chicken wings and yr like ‘okay it adds smthng but its not like a side meal’ BUT IT IS A SIDE MEAL this is like a whole basket of fuckin. cheese-baked fries. winter DESERVES this screentime she DESERVES to have presence in this fic and OH does she USE IT im LIVINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Glynda wanted anger. She wanted fire and brimstone. She wanted a fight.

What she got was the glisten of tears on pale lashes. A hand covering Winter’s trembling mouth.

The ashy taste of remorse in her throat.

THERES THAT HOLLOWED-OUT WHOOPSIE FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE IT IS RIGHT ON TIME. its like CLOCKWORK,

She didn’t have anything. Nothing against that. The possibility that Winter might truly care what happened to her had been so insignificantly small and easy to trample. She had forgotten about the losses Winter shouldered the moment Cinder had whispered inheritance.

it’s just like clockwork,

also this chapter feels lengthy but maybe its just cause i got distracted with animal crossing so ill have to do a wordcount check at the end

/checks

no its lengthy this is a thicc one,

“I know,” Glynda said. “I know. I know how this sounds. But she’s the only person who makes me feel like—like I make sense.” In her mind, Glynda lay in the darkness of Cinder’s bedroom, watching the glaze of streetlights along her lips as she said you.

you,,,,,,,,, we,,,,,,,,,,,, our,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, its all that gay shit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“If I’ve learned anything, it’s that Cinder Fall is a tremendous liar. She could convince you it is raining in Vacuo, given enough time. Two years ago, I was working on the Argus base, where I met her as a client; she told me she was a merchant seeking entrance into Atlas—she had all her documents in order, her entire persona set up, and she sold it perfectly. She was flawless—and all of it was fake. She gave me no reason to doubt her. She was—”

Winter cut herself off, abruptly. Then: “Once I was comfortable and safe, she burned down my office and murdered my friend.”

YES,,, SLOWLY THE LORE PIECES TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! winter is once bitten twice shy, but mayhaps we mean,,, once burnt,,,, twice shy,,,,,,,,,, hrmmmm,

Glynda told Winter everything.

OH MAN,,,, we’re really getting this messy fucking trio up in this bitch i am SO excited. i am THRILLED. here! we! go!!!!!!!!!! also i said it before but again im so glad winter gets to Be Here for this. sure this has nothing to do w/ her destiny or w/e but shes here now. shes in the uber. she waiting outside.

The dying potted plant Glynda had spotted last time on the back wall’s shelf had been replaced with a new one; this one’s leaves were beginning to shrivel at the ends.

dsfjhhkljsdf side note: is this like that scene in finding nemo where all the new fish see the niece and go ‘oh no we’re gonna die’ but instead its plants getting taken into winters office? they go ‘im sorry, mate, but once you go into her office, you come out TOTALLY dead,’

okay so this whole convo happened and if i try to pick one section ill end up picking it all AAAAAAAAAAAAAA im dying out here. WINTER BLEASE,,, BELIEVE THAT SOMETIMES CINDER CAN TELL A HALF-LIE. A SORTA-TRUTH. A SEMI-HEMI-DEMI HONESTY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

How different would that mission have gone? How different would her life have been?

She found herself saying, “He had so many chances to tell me. Instead, he let me think I was reckless. That I was a danger to other people. I stopped working in teams. I didn’t have many people in my life to begin with, but afterwards was worse. He saw to it that he was all I had, and he let me think it was my fault.”

ROBLOXOOFNOISEDISTORTEDWITHDELAY.MP4

OOF!!!!!!! O O F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! honestly OOF that shit HURTS BITCH!!!!!!! thats BANANAS. WILD. im also loving (hating???) the increase of painful glynda lore and honestly everyone feels like they have So Much More that builds them up and im THRIVING off it. im also suffering for it.

With the video feed closed, Glynda could see she had new notifications. Missed calls. From Cinder.

Glynda’s stomach lurched. She stowed her Scroll before she could think about them.

At the mouth of the alley, she could see the shape of Cinder’s apartment in the distance. She stood there for a long time, staring, uncertain what to do with her hands, unsure what to do with her heart. Her jaw flexed. She remembered the tears on Winter’s lashes. The friend she’d lost.

Glynda took her first step toward the apartment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and so the soft domestic shit ends. but nowhere near as explosively as id thought???????? HUH. H U H. must b because we’re gearing up for smthng honk honk honk

ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. this chap was SO good its astonishing (despite the [several] times i got distracted by animal crossing rip me). WINTER!!!!!!!! BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe this disaster trio is coming together. also cant wait for glynda to tell cinder the shit she just pulled. oh no,

(also the wordcount was 5,931. just in case u were curious)

[stfuisaac]

hello hello it’s lucky again and,, sadly,, we don’t have the technology that makes the thoughts we have just.... appear onto our screens yet... so this took a hot sec and still isn’t perfect bc i don’t plan on proofreading :\ but! here,, is,, my new,, drummer boy,, parumpumpumpum

‹ avan jogia, he/him, cis man, bisexual. › ISAAC BAROT is the TWENTY-SEVEN year old from SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA. when a friend asked them what they thought of the manor they said,  ❝ I HEARD THIS IS WHERE THEY DECIDED TO MAKE THE TWILIGHT ZONE. ❞ they claim GET OUT is their favorite scary movie, and if they were to die in a horror film they would BE OBLIVIOUS TO THERE EVEN BEING A KILLER UNTIL IT’S TOO LATE. their fears include MANNEQUINS, HITCH-HIKERS and DYING WITH NOTHING TO SHOW, and they don’t know we know, but… HE GOT INTO A (MUTUALLY) NEAR FATAL ALTERCATION WITH A STRANGER HE GAVE A RIDE TO (YES, HE WAS AN UBER DRIVER - HIS GREATEST SHAME). hope they enjoy their stay. ‹ PLATANCHOR requested by JOAKIM from STRESSED OUT penned by, LUCKY, 20, EST. ›

QUICK FACTS:

full name: isaac benjamin barot

date of birth: september 12, 1992

*does not perfectly reflect the below Big Three zodiac chart because that’s so much math

zodiac big three: virgo sun, taurus moon, libra rising

gender & pronouns: cis man & he/him

sexual orientation: bisexual

occupation: session drummer + lyft driver + ex-uber driver

mbti: entp

enneagram: 5w6

the song i listen to on repeat while i write the intro: “deja vu” - roger waters

BACKGROUND INFO:

alright. so.

isaac's backstory is neither tragic nor easy. his father was an immigrant who married his mother solely to get a green card (y’all, to be fair... the citizenship tests are whack). there wasn’t any real romance between the two, but the drop-ins always said otherwise. no, outside of putting on a show for government officials, isaac’s father and mother were friends at the best of times.

the best of times culminated in a son who grew up in an interesting dynamic. his father and mother never even attempted to be anything more than friends (with, as you can see, the occasional benefits). after the check-ins finally stopped, his father and mother even began sleeping in different rooms. his mother would trade in her queen for a double and replace the space his father used to take up with his cradle.

it was nothing like the ‘unhappy marriage’ trope, though... again, because they barely ever pretended to be married. they would take their wedding rings off when they went out with friends. sometimes they would even take off their rings around each other and talk the other up to someone attractive.

so it was unorthodox, but it was much better than his parents pretending to be in love in that way and giving him a skewed version of what romance should look like.

one down-side to it, though, was that isaac never knew who he was supposed to go to for what. usually it’s just a given that “if you need/want x, go to the matriarch, if you need/want y, go to the patriarch” but... what happens... when your parents are basically just your friends?

so thank god for growing up in the age of technology. like,, ya,, a literal baby can’t google things like “how to say ‘mom’” but a 15y/o can google “how to shave”

so... ya... his parents were his friends, the internet was his parent(s?).

one thing the internet couldn’t do? give him drums. it could introduce him to the likes of ringo starr, john bonham, keith moon, and ginger baker, but it couldn’t give him drums... not when he was only, like... 10, at least.

so he put a set on his christmas wishlist and figured they would divide amongst themselves.

so ya, his 10th christmas, he got a shitty little rockwood hohner kit that he would use for the next nine years.

he never received any professional training. again, he didn’t know who to ask and... youtube wouldn’t exist for another three years. he tried to teach himself using a few books and, if nothing else, figured out a few simple beats and how to gain independence.

after learning those simple little beats and not knowing if he wanted to buy the next book, he decided to take a break and, instead of going back to professional books, he’d just listen to some of his favorite tracks... most of which were ginger baker... which made things kind of hard when he only had one bass drum, two tom-toms, and one floor tom. those, plus the really low quality pearl cymbals. still, he did his best to make it work.

just a side-note that, because of videos of ginger, isaac used (and still uses, out of habit) a mix of traditional and matched grip.

he went back and forth between the books and mimicking the patterns of other drummers (mostly ginger) up until he was around 16 and his friend, ribs (y’all), decided to teach him a few more technical skills. what you want to learn for this song are polyrhythms, but those are hard and no, ginger isn’t using a crash there, he’s using a splash and do you want a discount on some better cymbals and drumheads from my parents’s music shop because this is a very functional kit but it kind of sounds whack

he continued using the same whack kit, but replaced the heads with aquarians, as per ribs’s recommendation (but evans and remo are also good) and, after literally examining baker’s kit, replaced the cymbals with various zildjian collections

even though we stan istanbul agop in this house.

he also started listening to more drummers than... pretty much just baker with a hint of john bonham, keith moon, and ringo starr. as his friend suggested, he tried out drummers like buddy rich, art blakey, travis barker, dave grohl, karen carpenter, neil peart, nick mason, simon phillips –– even was told to listen to ac/dc songs just to see how a successful band could be made using essentially the same beat over and over and over.

so now he had some split time. school. work. practice. figure out who the hell was making dinner that night/if there was someone making dinner last night because they might both be talking each other up.

although he applied to various colleges, and although some of these colleges actually accepted him, he ultimately decided not to go. instead, he moved from san jose to los angeles in the hopes that he’d find something bigger than himself... and a new drum set...

he found the latter in a ludwig kit with two bass drums, two tom-toms, and two floor toms. then he just added a bunch of stuff and tried to make it like ginger baker’s. pretty much spent all of his money on it and then some.

when his friends formed a band and found success, he was very very happy for them... but... he found himself stuck... driving ubers.

and lyfts!

he’d seen the twilight zone before. he loved that show. he’d seen the episode ‘the hitch-hiker,’ so he was really driving for the companies against his better judgment. 

his worst uber story? the time a guy got into the car, had pinged a location that was still marked as a store on the uber gps but had recently been torn down, and tried to attack him when they got there :\ he 110% fought back, though. was fired because the other guy was the one who made it out injured.

only drove for lyft after that :\

he did take on a few projects, but he... proved to be too much of a roger waters for people who just wanted to chill and have fun. there would be adverts for people who wanted to form a band and he’d be like “hell yeah! finally! a band!” then he’d get pissed that they advertised it so seriously but really... just wanted to jam. did not have any plans to try to do anything with it.

the few projects he did join that involved people who wanted to actually achieve success... if they were slacking, you best bet his inner roger waters came out! which is why he never stuck around in any projects for too long!

but ‘projects’ and ‘jam sessions’ were totally different. you want to do ‘wipeout’ in a project? he’s gonna take that intro that literally everyone on the planet knows SERIOUSLY. you want to do ‘wipeout’ in a jam session? LET’S HAVE SOME FUN WITH IT.

he does some session/studio drumming for other artists to make some extra money while doing something he genuinely enjoys... but... still... it is no project™

in between things right now, he got a call from joakim that, while muffled and staticky, sounded like it said ‘get here, please’ and clearly stated where he was.

of course, voicemail lines were crossed and many many many essential words were left out – words that were basically saying the exact opposite ahfsdkjl. the shadow’s really playin them :\

so here he is, in all his glory.

TL;DR:

i was gonna kms if i didn’t play another drummer, so this is my ginger baker fanboy whose parents were literally just best friends and, as a result, were also both his friend. the internet raised him. started playing drums when he was 10 on a low qual kit with low qual cymbals that his parents got him for christmas, but literally why would you get a beginning a good set? continued playing. eventually moved to los angeles and tried to form many successful projects, but was too much of a roger waters. was summoned up here by the shadow man fucking around joakim. his greatest shame is how many ubers he has driven.

PERSONALITY INFO:

he will always say his proudest moment was when he learned how to play ‘toad’ by ginger baker cream all the way through.

big ginger baker fanboy.

loves the twilight zone and will just spill a random fact out about it every now and again.

a lowkey control freak which completely goes against the way he dresses and the vibe he gives off. 

is only a dick about it if you’re part of one of his ‘projects’ but aren’t taking it seriously tho :\

ok i’m too tired 2 write a personality section rn when im already rly bad at them but!! again!! feel free 2 j refer to the zodiac big three + the personality types!!

FEARS:

mannequins: they’re already creepy enough when you really think about it, then you add in that episode of the twilight zone where the characters wake up in an unfamiliar house and go outside and basically everyone is just a mannequin? ya he hates mannequins.

hitch-hikers: so, as we have just seen, he’s had it bad enough with people who were registered to an app, paying, their personal information readily available, etc., etc... so then what would happen if it was just a complete and utter stranger who didn’t have any personal information, any ping, and was the sole focus of a different twilight zone episode? he... is going... to drive past you. he’ll feel bad about it, but...

dying with nothing to show: here’s the money shot! here’s the deep fear! as has been shown throughout, isaac craves success and some form of a legacy. if he dies with nothing to show for his life, then was his life ever worth it in general?

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

ok,,, it might be bc im tired rn,,, but i have the most basic list that will hopefully be updated tomorrow bc it is SO VERY BASIC:

friends

fwb

ons

exes

enemies (much easier to get on his bad side than it is w/ fluke)

BRAINSTORMING AND/OR SOMETHING FROM YOUR WANTED CONNECTIONS AND/OR WHATEVER YOU HAVE AN IDEA FOR!!!!

[princepriestandpirate]

All the Crucial Muses for Rowan!

1. what would completely break your character?

losing any of the people that i’d consider his Most Important People– basically, rowan has a lot of emotional eggs and not a lot of baskets (due to the fact that constantly moving around makes it hard to form relationships), so he’s very emotionally dependent on those very few people he’s close to, and losing any of them would fuck him up majorly.

losing Marcus would probably be the worst version of this (since marcus was basically the only consistent person in his life for years), although losing lumley or emilia (after i assume he meets her again at some point in the future) would also be…. very bad. esp emilia bc he already lost her once.

2. what was the best thing in your character’s life?

i’m not sure– maybe it hasn’t happened yet? but a few very good things have been: his sister being born, getting to learn magic from jeska fucking alduri, having marcus there to take care of him after everything, meeting lumley and making A Friend

3.what was the worst thing in your character’s life?

the night that his home was attacked when he was nine.

4. what seemingly insignificant memories stuck with your character?

making paper boats with emilia, sitting on his father’s lap as he worked, the yellow flowers that grew outside his family home, talking with a girl that worked at the stables in the kajjitani capital, practicing shuffling cards with some of the guards when he was traveling with them, eating that bread that lumley likes so much with her, etc

5. does your character work so they can support their hobbies or use their hobbies as a way of filling up the time they aren’t working?

kinda both? or neither? his job is basically his life (or rather, being a spy is sort of the natural extension of his status as a fugitive prince and he can’t really separate any facet of his life from those two facts), so his hobbies are used to support his job? as in, the hobbies that he had before That Night and even hobbies he picked up afterward were channeled towards being practical and useful. ex: he’s always liked magic but the reason he’s mostly picked up charm and illusion spells is practicality, or how he genuinely likes playing cards but also used them as a way to develop a good poker face, etc

on the other hand though, you could say he’s working to support his hobbies, because one of the main reasons he’s working with the resistance (besides the obvious) is that he hopes by doing his part he can help push the world towards a state where he doesn’t have to hide anymore? and he can just live his life and have normal hobbies that he does for fun?

6. what is your character reluctant to tell people?

mostly the big “i’m a prince” “i’m a spy” type secrets. he’s also bad at expressing affection verbally.

7. how does your character feel about sex?

likes/wants sex but tends to be shy about it, mostly as an extension of his general issues with trust/intimacy

8. how many friends does your character have?

depends how you define friend? he has 1 close friend (lumley) and a bunch of new sort of acquaintances/sort of friends? which would probably include honeyclaw, peitho, M, E, maybe I, ternelle, maybe ezna (altho i’d put her more in the ‘cool aunt’ category). so anywhere between 1 and 7/8 depending on ur count.9. how many friends does your character want?

he’d like to have more friends, probably adding to the aforementioned group S and jella + some of the guards, and maybe ko (he’d like to be on better terms with him but doesn’t really see it happening outside of work)

10. what would your character make a scene in public about?

not much, he’s very keen on not drawing more attention to himself than absolutely necessary. only exceptions would be if something happened to one of his loved ones. he might make a scene in front of a group of friends though, if he felt it was necessary to achieve a goal or he was especially upset about something. 

11. for what would your character give their life?

i’m not sure, because i don’t think he’s very disposed towards martyrdom. not because he’s too selfish, but he thinks it’s kind of useless? why give your life for something when you can dedicate your life to something/someone instead?(also, a thing that jossick told him right after his family died: “you’re still here, so that means that they didn’t win”) (the thing that is important isn’t dying for something, it’s surviving)

but he might give his life for the cause, if it was necessary. he’d also die for emilia, maybe marcus

12. what are your character’s major flaws?

prickly, bad at actually dealing with his own emotions or anyone else’s, just lies all the fucking time, is willing to do/has done some less-than-savory shit in service of a Cause or someone he cares about (including lying, manipulating, even killing)... there’s probably more but i cant think of them rn

13. what does your character pretend or try to care about?

he like, wants to care about how lumley is upset about what she sees as being drafted into a war/being a pawn for much larger players but… while he’s not happy that his friend his upset he just cannot genuinely bring himself to care? this is just what life is for him. he didn’t have a choice in it, and he can’t bring himself to care about someone complaining when they actually have the choice to not be apart of this if they dont want to be? so.

14. how does the image your character tries to project differ from the image they actually project?

image he tries to project: depends on what mask he’s putting on, but in general someone who’s serious, responsible, and capable, and Definitely Isn’t Sad about Anything you guys

image he actually projects: kind of uptight, stressed out, and emotionally closed off (and also simultaneously caring A Lot). generally i think he gives off the impression of just being a kid who ended up with a lot on his shoulders. he’s trying his best

15. what is your character afraid of?

losing the people that he loves. also fucking up his job and getting people he cares about hurt/disappointing them

[whatevenis2016-blog]

Please just kill me already.

Basically every aspect of my life sucks rn. Work is horrible and gets worse and worse everyday. I can't stand it and I just want someone to call me back so I can get out of this hell hole. It's so funny tho this one girl gets to work 45, 50, even an hour late every single day and my boss doesn't seem to care and I get to work everyday on time and then I change into my work cloths there and clock in like 3 minutes late. But do you know who she gives shit and bitched about behind her back to other employees? Me. Not her. She literally doesn't appreciate the fact that I basically run her store and shes never there. And she takes weekends off and gives the girl who's always late weekends off and this guy every Friday and Sunday off but won't give me or the other girl who actually do shit at work any weekend days off. Ever. I ask one weekend off a year, for my birthday. And she still Give Me Shit about how hard it is for her to make it work without me being there. Oh wow. Go fuck yourself. Like really. I don't care how hard it is for you, it's your business not mine. It's not my problem. Like if you can't make it work with the people you have, maybe you should fucking hire more people? And not just have like 6 employees.... And about a million other reasons why working there is complete ass. My mother hates me. And no I'm not exaggerating, not even a little bit. Here are some direct quotes from my mother, all completely unprovoked and completely out of the blue:: "you are a psychopath" "maybe I should keep calling your bitch of an employer" she's trying to get me fired bc I refused to see her on my birthday "you're off your meds, you aren't wearing your retainer, you dropped out of college. You're living in an unhealthy environment" my doctor took me off my meds bc I'm doing better, I stopped wearing my retainer bc it's been ever a year since I got my braces off, I'm taking ONE semester off bc my whole fucking life is imploding around me and an way too stressed out and overwhelmed to handle school on top of all my other problems. "Your father said he was going to kill me" complete lies bc she's mad my father got custody of me when I was a child. "maybe C***** didn't stab you in the back she just didn't like how he was treating you" and ex friend of mine treated me like shit and tried to break me and an ex up and then tore apart many other friendships bc she's an insecure person but she wants me to believe I was the problem not other people. "your dad doesn't want you to succeed" "it's time to grow up and stop blaming shit on me!!!!!!!" "You only text me when you're angry" " I tried so hard with you" "I wasted XXXX$ on your braces" she tried to take my father to Cort and force him to pay for braces but because she was thousands and thousands of dollars behind in child support they made her pay for them, not to mention doing things like that are what you're suppose to do as a parent not bc your child 'deserves it'. All those are just text messages she's sent me resently. I'm currently 21 and she still owns me like 33,000$++ in child support. She doesn't even work, she sponges off the government. The money she gets from the government every month is more that my father Earns every month. And my dad is able to out food on the table, buy clothing for me and then some but she's not even able to buy anything more than bread and ramen noodles bc she spends the rest of her money on drugs and alcohol and other stupid shit (like smart phones she doesn't know how to use and DS3Ds as soon as they are released and again doesn't know how to use. All for herself I might add). She has completely treated my like shit for my entire life. When I was younger I used to believe I deserved it bc I was just a shitty person but after seeing a good therapist, I know know she's mentally ill, refuses to get help and just projects all her issues and anger onto me. She tells me I'm the worst thing that has ever happened to her, that I'm mentally retarded and would never graduate high school (even though from 11th great until my junior year or college I got all As and Bs except 2 classes I really struggled in), she would tell me I don't deserve love and I would die alone. Day in and day out for absolutely no reason other than just wanting me to feel horrible. If I wouldn't do simple things like dishes or taking trash out she would threaten me never to take me to a doctor or dentist again (which incase you can't figure this out for yourself is sick and twisted) you should ground your kid of a weekend not refuse medical attention. She's woken me up in the middle of the night, knocking me out of bed and kicked me out with no explanation. Once I was out with a friend and came home probably around 11pm and she had locked me out of our appartment and wouldn't let me back in and I had called my dad but he was asleep so he didn't answer, so I just waited outside in the hallway until the next morning and rode the bus to school. One of the first therapists I had told her she can't keep treating me the way she does (keep in mind my mother would sit in on my appointments and do most of the talking herself so it wasn't even just me spouting out a bunch of shit, it was just from the words spoken from my mother). On the way home she told me how horrible I am, how I was the worst thing that has ever happened to her, that I deserved all the bad thing possible to happen to me. There have been times when she was mad at one of my brother's (she has 2 other sons, my 2 half brother's) and she would take her anger out on me (bc they didn't live with us) she would tell me it was my responsibility to step up and take her shit, that's what it meant to be 'part of a family' what it meant to be 'an adult'. Does that make sense to you? If you're mad at someone but they aren't there...That you would yell and a completely unrelated person simply bc you were mad...? Bc that's what it meant to be a family...? No. It doesn't make sense. I've literally seen my mother do something and then turn around a yell at my brother like he did it. She's so fucked up, she just can't stand it when there isn't drama. The last time l lived with her was my senior year of high schoool, in the middle of the night she tricked me into coming downstairs telling me she was hurt and needed help. When really she was shitfaced drunk, she told me how sick of me she was, how she couldn't stand me, how she didn't want to take care of me anymore. She had a hand full of several bills all in my name, all way past due, that she didn't pay or give to me, that were ruining my credit bc they were unpayed. Just to fuck me over. And then kicked me out. It was like 1 in the morning. And after I left, within the next week she was pissed as all hell that I refused to come back. She had kicked me out several times in the past and I was forced to go back bc I was under 18 but this time there was absolutely no reason for me to go back. She wouldn't stop harassing me she called and left so many messages in 2 weeks it filled my entire voicemail. I didn't even know that was possible. But it is. They were all telling me I was a shitty person. I had to get a whole new phone number bc of her. What a great mother right? And she literally cannot wrap her hear around why I want nothing to do with her. And on top of all of her shit my brother's are so brain washed they believe it's okay for her to act the way she does and are MAD AT ME for not wanting to interact with her. They literally try to make me feel guilty for not wanting to see or talk to her. Like the way she acts in in no way, shape or form okay for a parent to act. And the fact they think I should PUT UP WITH IT is fucking ridiculous. I have literally told my one brother story's of what she has does and all he says is "you should really call and talk to mom". Like wow, I can fell the love. I can tell my mental health is important to you. And currently I have been having some serious issues with my insurance. I need to be enrolled in school to get my insurance benefits and I guess this year my shit got messed up and they never received my enrollment info. So for like the last 3 months I've been trying to get it straitened out with problem after problem after problem. And several hours sitting on call waiting with my insurance. Currently I'm emailing someone from college trying to get enrollment verification forms. So I emailed the lady saying I needed help for the fall semester of 2016 and explained my whole problem to her. The spring of 2017 I'm taking off bc of personal problems and she already knew that bc I've already talked to her about it. All she replies with "you're not currently enrolled". I was so pissed and crushed. She clearly didn't even read my email. I have dealt with her before and I have friends that have dealt with her, and she has never been anything but a cunt. And I don't genuinely say cunt as a insult but she's a cunt. Like what even is her job but to help students?? She has either not helped me or given me so much shit in the process. If you fucking hate your job so much that you treat your students like shit, you should get a new job. Like are you serious, I am thousands of dollars in debt to my insurance that I don't owe bc my shit fell through for a stupid reason. And it's affecting my credit score bc I don't want to just pay for it and potentially not get replayed.... And a couple months ago my father had surgery for cancer and isn't working. So with my shit job where I don't even make the minimum wage, I'm trying to support us. And right after he had his surgery and I accidently broke my finger. All in the finals week of school. So I was trying to finish final projects, study for finals, being torn apart hoping my father would be okay, wanting to go out of town to visit him in the hospital and then not being able to bc I broke my finger, and missing several days of school and having to make up finals. All while having my work issues too and being expected to work way more hours than I could physically and mentally handle but doing it anyway. Just being torn apart in every direction possible and having no one care... And since my father's surgery I've had to drive him 2 hours our of town for check ups since his surgery and when I ask those day off from work my boss has the audacity to give me shit about needing those days off even though she knows full well why I was asking them off. I literally hate my life and wish I was dead. Like all of my problems are bc of other people, things that are completely out of my control. Like I try so hard to fix shit and nothing gets better. My entire life I've tried to bend over backwards trying to make my mother love me but she just hates me more and more everyday. No matter what I do or say my boss never takes me seriously or respects or appreciated a single thing I do. No matter who I talk to or what I send nothing changes with my insurance. Can someone just kill me.....

[untitledacrylic]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I got a lot goin on in this post so bear with me if its scattered. Apologies in advance

Lets just fuck around and talk about my physiological state. Consistently having hot flashes. Stressed or is it just July in Texas, we’ll never know. Got a fuckin lump in my throat, Yknow, the kind you get before you cry? So here's the fucking issue, I cannot cry. I have not been able to for months I will not allow myself to have the feelings.

I have developed these ungodly delusions of grandeur relating myself. What are they you ask well lets rattle them off!

- every time someone asks me if I want something from them and the answer is yes I still say no because I deserve nothing B)

but Claire! surely you have human wants and desires! yes! I have so many! I just only want to give every ounce of myself to other people and accept nothing ni return because I am trying to waste away and die and at least if I never accept anything from others they 

- People keep needing my emotional energy/effort so I no longer have time to have any feelings of my own because I'm too busy stressing about someone else’s problems

now you might saying “Claire just don't answer! just ignore them!’ GOD I WOULD LOVE TO. Too bad I was built to carry guilt the size of the Vatican, and I simply feel bad if I read someones Text and know they're having a bad time. If I even read the fucking TEXT I will not be able to stop thinking about it so honestly just fuck me. you might also be asking well Claire, how is that a grandiose delusion? BECAUSE THESE BITCHES DON’T NEED ME HOLY FUCK. 

I have Made myself such an accessible resource for my friends to just fucking ravage and that is completely my own doing. Why did I do it? Because I wholeheartedly believe if I am not providing a service to my friends that I am useless because I am also convinced I have no other redeeming qualities.

people seem to like me a lot but I don’t really care, because they like my customer service personality. I won't say “I am” because some of you little shit bags who read my blog disagree, but I SEE MYSELF as nothing more than a multitool? 

aaaaaand jumping to another thought rn but I sent my friend a video explaining a sad piece of art I made and they replied “ma’am do you need assistance?” and I replied with “no I will never need assistance from anyone because I am not plagued by the same disgusting mortal issues that you emotional fools are” and lets just unpack alllll of that for a second

1. I am not god. I am a stupid fucking idiot who makes so many mistakes

2. viewing myself as a god is the reason I can't feel normal emotions anymore. I told myself too many times “you don't deserve to be sad your life it good” so now every time I am sad, no im not. it just, goes down ... down.... down down down down down and now I just feel nothing

3. #2 also applies to desire. I want something? no I don't. I am utterly incapable of asking for anything now for fear of being perceived as someone who needs things or help. I don't need either. I can do everything on my own and if I can't I will simply fucking die.

I forgot where I was going so now im moving on if you don't like it, mail me Adderall so I can focus.

anyway I have another weird problem where sometimes im sad or I have a negative feeling and I want to tell someone about it and I will open up the text conversation with all of my friends, type a message, decide nobody wants to hear it, delete it, try again with another friend, delete it, and repeat that process untilI have tried everyone. In which case, I will fuck my way over to this website and start writing. 

I think I can't talk to my friends because someone them come to me with so many things and its honesty really annoying. I don't care what I tell my friends about always being there to help them because right now im putting all of my problems on the back burner to deal with theirs so that I can maintain my friendships. I am so tired of everyone and I wish they would leave me alone. I have tiers of friendship because I genuinely can't handle being close to so many people but GOD it feels like in SAO when they were climbing the world tree to get to Asuna. In this scenario, my friendship is Asuna, my mental stability is the world tree and my GOD y'all are chopping that bitch down. Is there even a polite way to tell someone “you are getting to close to me and I don't like it so can you please back the fuck off and stop trying to know me? please go back to the acquaintance zone until I am ready for you”

I stared at the tv for too long so now its time to tell you all that I think max and Emma are my only friends who are valid and matter. They are the only people who'd have the gall to read my blog. I love you stupid fucks. You are the only 2 people to recognize my extreme disdain for sharing my feelings. I am incredibly appreciative of you both, I love that I don’t feel like I have to talk to you every day to maintain our friendship, I love that you guys open up to me at your own pace, I love that when I tell y'all disgustingly personal things you don't get all serious and “hey, you can always talk to me :( im here for you :(” I already know you bitvhes are. Thank you for being the only two people who don't drive me absolutely insane every day. except the you didn't tell us you were dating Michael. I’m over it but no free passes (I would add a silly and quizzical emoji here but im on my laptop so please re read the last sentence with a tone of a lighthearted and friendly bully)

I will now talk about Everett. There are no issues but I am still entirely unable to be vulnerable with him. its a problem I would like to get over. I can't ask him for anything either. Idk why I just don’t like to. I don't like to ask anyone for anything but idk I thought id be able to open up to my own boyfriend? He is obviously caring and understanding I just feel like. The second I’m vulnerable with one person like. I’m known. id be perceived? He knows im depressed fuck I just feel like I have so many more negative traits that im hiding? I don't even know what they are I just feel like they’re bad and I want to hide them.  I feel like hell think less of me or idk just get disappointed over time.

Im definitely projecting issues from my last relationship. Im keeping them to myself as much as I can but fuck its kinda hard? rowan was also super infatuated with me and thought I was great and amazing and supportive and look how we ended up. I love the high-rise but im worried I won't be able to keep living up to it. So the hard part now is just

do I continue playing god?

or do I let someone see that I’m human

ok im not ending on that cliche fucking note so uh. ill probably keep playing god because I still can't feel anything. I feel to a small degree but its just so buried I don't even know what to do anymore. Maybe ill just die lol