#i worked really hard on it even though parts of it were emotionally difficult to write

[danifesting]

play til you win

Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen

Tags: alternate universe - rock band, pop punk au, alternate universe - college/university, slow burn, angst with a happy ending, alcohol abuse/alcoholism

Word count: 61,947

Summary:

Max feels a lot of things about pop punk actually. It had been forbidden at home, his father screaming at him and threatening to take away his stereo when he caught Max listening, insisting the only thing Max should be allowed to listen to was classical, that he should spend more time practicing and listening to the orchestral music that would get him into Juilliard, would make him the famous classical musician and composer his father think he's destined to be. But Max loves it. He'd spent hours listening to it in secret, through his headphones on mixed tapes and CDs his friends made him, on the long car trips he would take from the moment he got his license, in his mum's basement, his sister by his side, explaining to her the difference between each band's sound. It had been the music that had made his heart beat faster and think maybe this is what I should be doing with my life.

[justpoliteconversations]

Comfort [Mer!Warriors + Reader]

All it takes is a single moment for everything you think you know to flip on its head.

I originally had different plans for this AU continuation, but I came across a post of someone asking for a comfort fic and thought I'd try.

Masterlist

Part: 1 / 2

TW: Maybe? Hard to tell sometimes.

Disclaimer: Don't own The Legend of Zelda franchise. Linked Universe is the fan creation of jojo56830.

---

It had been a long day. Between back breaking work and the weariness of too long spent fighting to maintain your composure, the weight of all your hardships seemed to have finally caught up to you. You were just so tired, but even the promise of escape sleep offered seemed impossible to achieve.

Not with this overly spoiled creature screeching (elegantly, somehow. God damned elegantly. like a fully accompanied angel's choir) for your attention. As though this was something you two routinely did (for the record, it wasn't. you didn't know what his damned problem was). And ignoring him wasn't working, as it was going on the second hour now and he had somehow only gotten louder.

You honestly just wanted to cry. You just wanted to sleep.

You just wanted a break that didn't make you feel guilty. Guilty for not wanting to live up to everyone's expectations for once. For just wanting to sit down, eat something horrendously unhealthy, and then maybe nap for a few hours before dinner. And then go right back to sleep without everyone expecting you to fix every damned problem that blew their way.

The perfect day (but it wouldn't be. not really. because you couldn't even imagine closing your eyes when there was still so much to do). And it was being thoroughly destroyed (it was never something that existed anyway) by the unceasing, unholy (ethereal) screeching of the Center's resident golden boy.

How the mer knew just when to start acting up when no one but you was around, you'd probably never know. But it was damned concerning, and annoying. Especially when he decided to be difficult. Like now (oh God. why'd it have to be now when you were at your lowest).

You'd give in eventually, you knew. It was inevitable, and both him and you knew this. You couldn't afford to leave him to his own devices for too long, especially when he had a habit of taking out his frustration on your co-workers when ignored (and not even in an obvious way either. but underhandedly. like 'accidently' splashing water on their phones and equipment during his more enthusiastic performances).

You heard his screech again, but this time you could hear the low edge that entered his cry. Like the threat of a blade gliding delicately under a silk cloth, smooth and lilting and deadly in its sharpness. A dark, foreboding promise all wrapped up in a beautiful symphony of sweet nothings.

"I'm coming! Just give me a moment!" You finally called out, wincing at the way your voice nearly wobbled. Frustration and exhaustion mixing together into a singular moment of weakness.

It was silent then, and a form of primeval dread filled your stomach at the sudden stillness in the air. Because there was no way he hadn't heard the shake of your voice, nor the emotions that caused it. There was absolutely no way he didn't realize how vulnerable you were at the moment.

Numb. Suddenly, you were numb all over. From your ears to your toes, you could feel the cold pinprick of tingling nothingness itching just below your skin. But through it all, even as your feet took you to the bottom of War's tank ladder, you felt oddly detached from your body.

Ah. You were afraid. As tired and as emotionally drained as you were, you still somehow managed to drudge up enough self-preservation to be afraid of Wars. And you weren't sure how to feel about that. You hadn't really thought about it in a long time. Just how much power he now had over you, after that fateful day you'd come to his tank and cut him a deal.

You still didn't want to think about it. You just wanted to get this over with and go to sleep. You didn't even care that you'd regret this later, when you could finally think past the numbness that had settled over your limbs.

And there he was, from one step on the ladder to the next. Quiet, still as death and submerged up to his eeriely shining, dilated eyes in the dark water of his sleeping tank. The inky blackness of the night around him fading the long, billowing ends of his fins into a smoky wisp of shimmering starlight.

You'd forgotten how beautiful he was at night, when the faint luminescence of his fins and scales ran golden fireflies across the darkened navy of his elegant blue fins. How his enchanting, predatory eyes caught even the faintest hints of starlight and built entire galaxies along the darks of them. How he smiled so prettily when he rose from the water, even if you knew it was a lie (fake. dangerous).

The smile was different this time though. There was something sharper about it, so similar yet so different from the charming upturn of plush lips he so often used to entice the unwary into his clutches.

It was enough to unnerve you, this unknown expression that had settled so distinctly upon his pretty face. Enough even to pull you from your exhausted haze and into something almost approaching alertness. Your nerves firing with renewed unease, even several meters above the water and (allegedly, though you didn't believe that for a second) out of War's reach.

And then he lifted a single, elegant hand. Raised a single, elegant finger. And beckoned you to him in a gesture so human it nearly drew a blush to your cheeks (much to your shame).

If you ever discovered who taught him that gesture, you'd skin them yourself. You swore it. But that was for later, because right then you were frozen in shock. Not even because of the connotations behind such a gesture while an attractive male such as him was behind it.

No. It was the meaning behind the gesture.

"No." You said, so pumped full of adrenaline you didn't even feel the exhaustion that'd been weighing down your bones just moments before. "I'm not that far gone, Wars. No matter what you think you heard."

His eyes narrowed just the slightest bit, condescending and frustrated both. Flickering. Dilating. Contracting.

It would be almost funny, to see a mer as smug and put together as Wars showing anything other than slight annoyance (and honestly, it usually is). But right now, with the darkness closing in from all sides and the weight of everything haunting your every step, it was a reminder. A reminder that for all you had managed to keep your composure around this predator, you were still afraid.

You were afraid. And you always had been. From the moment you set eyes on him and knew (just knew, when no one else could see it) that this creature was hunting you and everyone else around him. Even bloodied and mangled and trapped as he was, he had never stopped hunting. That he watching you, just as you were watching him. Always.

He gestured again, tilting his head slightly. Another gesture that sent warning signals straight into your brain, causing your breathing to pick up and a light sheen of cold sweat to start forming on your shoulders, back and forehead. His eyes had fully dilated by now as well, adding an even more alien quality to his unnaturally beautiful features.

You swallowed, trapped between your self-preservation instincts screaming at you to turn tail and run, and the logic of your mind quietly reminding you that this predator would have killed you already had he wanted (that he could kill someone else too, if he felt the need to call your bluff). Because he would. You knew that. Accidents happened all the time. What was one more? (He'd probably fake tears too. the bastard.)

You glanced off to the side, the hairs on the back of your neck standing on end under his unnatural stare. "Wars I- You know that's not how this works."

You were met with silence. You were too shaken (too compromised) to even think of meeting his gaze. The sharp, unfaltering, stunningly inhuman gaze.

The faint rippling of water. A slight swoosh. And then.

A great, echoing splash. The catwalk under you shaking and nearly tilting as a great weight was suddenly upon it. The flash of shimmering gold across a sea of dark blue. And suddenly he was in your face, so close you could see the ring of blue, blue, blue encircling the dark pools of his eyes.

You couldn't move. You couldn't scream. You couldn't even breathe. Not when he leaned further into your space (so close now you could see the glitter of scales under his eyes. like gold dust). Not when a clawed, webbed hand came up to your fear stricken face. Not when your skin touched for the first time (warm. soft. supple. nothing like your mind had always imagined it).

Not when his powerful (deadly. predator's. killer's) arms gently (so gently. almost tenderly. but that can't be it because he's him and you're you) pulled you into his chest. Not when he pulled you both down until he was laying along the catwalk with you laying flush on top of him. And not when he buried his face (his mouth. his lips. his teeth. teeth. teeth.) into your hair and just...breathed.

In. Out. In. Out. Steady. Even. Inevitable. His large, warm hands on your back, claws delicately kneading into your clothes. His chest rumbling, so faint you'd have missed it entirely had you not been tucked up under his chin (had he not been pressing you into the place in his chest the vibrations were strongest).

Slowly, your breath returned to you. You began to calm. Your mind begun to clear. And you realized, with sudden clarity, what it was that was happening. What this behavior was.

The gentle nipping at your hair. The tender kneading of his (sharp) claws into the thick ruffles of your clothes. The way he had cradled your significantly smaller body into his larger form and curled his silky (thick, powerful) tail fins around you as best he could with so little space.

The way his whole chest seemed to vibrate. The sound so low it was nearly nonexistent. An action you hadn't known Wars was even capable of, let alone willing to utilize. For a human of all things.

You swallowed, not daring to take your eyes off the gleam of his collarbone (shimmering, even in the dark). "Are you trying to comfort me?"

He pushed you harder into his chest, under his chin. His face nuzzling deeper into your hair, until his mouth was pressed softly against the shell of your ear. His hot breath fanning against your sensitive skin.

"Mine." He cooed (disjointed and raw, unnatural but hauntingly beautiful), one hand having found its way up into the fine hairs at your nape. Just holding them between gentle fingers, thumb caressing your exposed neck. "Strong. Brave." He hummed.

He nosed at the delicate lining of your ear. Nuzzling you. "Beautiful." He purred, pulling away just enough to force you to meet his eyes. His gaze so black you saw yourself reflected in them. "Always mine. Give me. Everything bad."

Looking into his liquid night, blue-mooned eyes. Feeling his hands cradling you protectively, possessively, trying to separate you from the world beyond. You finally understood. Everything.

Wars was territorial after all. Of his space. Of his food. Of his resources. Of anything, everything that was his. That he'd claimed.

Knowing that, how could you have forgotten the most important resource a mer can ever possess? When it had been staring you in the face this whole time?

Warmth began to build behind your eyes, and try as you might, you felt the gates you had held so tightly closed for so long beginning to slip from your grasp. And you just couldn't believe it. That this was really about to happen.

In front of Wars of all creatures. The one predator that had everyone fooled.

But that was the thing, wasn't it. From the very beginning, for all his smiles and sweet nothings, never had he truly tried to hide his fangs from you. Never you. Even as he kept the rest of the world at an arms length away.

He had let you in (had reeled you in). He had let you see (had forced you to see) the dark shaded colors of his heart. His truest self.

Honesty, completely and utterly, from a creature that thrives off deception. How could you have been so blinded by your fear you'd not noticed.

The first few tears finally escaped down the curve of your cheek, and when a gentle, tender, loving thumb came to wipe them away. You broke, and it all came pouring out. In the arms of the predator you still feared so much, but knew, without question, would never allow harm to befall you.

Because he is a territorial mer. And there is nothing a mer covets more than their pod. Their family. Their reason for everything else that follows after.

And Wars, the mer who never wanted to leave. Who, after all was said and done, was still a mer like any other. Had no one but you. Only you. By choice. By fate.

By design.

You'd been hunted. And you'd been caught. And now he would never let you go. And he would protect you from everything.

For as long as he lived.

---

Back to the shadows.

[ramblingthoughtsofayoungadult]

Unpredictable Part 3-Limoreau x black!fem!reader fic

A/N: AAAH, thank you for all the support on this. I didn't think it'd be a series but I can't stop writing.

Warnings: toxic parents, body shaming, eating disorders, alcohol abuse, and swearing

Words: 7.7k

Series Masterlist

 “…and that’s how I knew that I was meant to do charity work,” the nasal redhead concluded.

That afternoon, the Si Chi house was packed with pledges in floral or puffy Selkie and Miss Selfridge sun dresses. A handful of servers circulated the foyer with trays of orange juice and mimosas. The combination of Prada Candy and Viktor Rolfe Flowerbomb made my head spin but I smiled through it as I nodded at different pledges’ stories. All of them were desperately trying to toe the line between interesting and bragging because one could never act too important for a potential house.

“That’s great news,” I glanced at her name tag, “Brenda since Si Chi regularly engages in philanthropic work.”

 Brenda smiled widely, making the hot pink blush on her cheeks even more prominent. “I know, that’s why I’m so interested in joining this---your house.”

“Well, we are glad that you took the time to visit us. Would you excuse me?”

As I weaved my way through the foyer, I plucked a mimosa from a passing server and started sipping. Exactly five seconds passed until I was surrounded by a new crop of bright-eyed freshmen.

“Oh my gosh, are you Y/N Y/L/N?” a willowy brunette asked.

“Guilty, and you are?”

“She’s Justine,” a shorter brunette interrupted.

Justine narrowed her eyes and thinly covered the glare with a smile. “I can introduce myself, thanks, Renee.”

Renee shrunk a little in her oversized light blue sundress and I glanced at Justine.

“So, why are you interested in our house?” I asked.

Justine straightened up and smiled like a pageant girl. “Well, I’m perfectly aligned with all the values of Si Chi: Sisterhood, respect, and intelligence. I am all about women empowerment and I respect people from all backgrounds----I’m exposed to a bunch of different people as an actress, anyway.”

“What about intelligence?”

“Well, I think there’s many different kinds of intelligence and, as an actress, I’m emotionally intelligent to the point where I’m exhausted by everyone else’s energy.”

“She really has to prioritize self-care,” Renee added.

“It’s great that you’re aware of that for yourself.”

She had to be one of the least self-aware people I ever encountered and that was a difficult fete. However, her socials had decent numbers and she had been in a few Vought Plus movies, which would help her win Sydney and Lydia, the vice president, over. The next two years with her and her friend would be irritating.

A softer expression slipped across Justine’s face, and she took a step towards me. “I just want to say that I think it’s so brave that you’ve been participating in all the rush events despite your traumatic experience. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to see Luke,” she paused and placed a hand on her chest, “kill himself.”

Though it had been a week since, it still felt like a bomb rolled off Justine’s tongue when she said it. The wave of emotions that I experienced in that time was hard to describe; Shetty said that grief was a rollercoaster, and the influx of emotions was normal.

“As impossible as it may seem, one day you will come to accept what happened,” she’d advised. “You may experience more anxiety but, with your network, I am sure you will be able to cope.”

The network she referred to was strained at best and destroyed at worst. My “sisters” were as supportive as they could be: Alina gave me a Lush self-care kit, Sasha was not nearly as antagonizing as usual, Lydia gave me grief book recommendations, and Sydney let me pick what workout classes we attended. Emma and Cate were the only non-Si Chi people I spoke to since it was way too difficult to speak to the others.

Justine placed her hand on my shoulder. “If you ever need someone to talk to, you can count on me.”

“Thank you for the thought,” I replied, smiling tightly.

“You must be so grateful that Marie was there to stop him,” Renee quipped.

I sipped some more juice to keep the confusing feelings from bubbling up. Nothing could have prepared me for Marie and Andre being propped as the Guardians of Godolkin, which was arguably the dumbest name Vought could give them. The less I wanted to see them, the more I saw their promos and videos. It was horrible that the last time we spoke we had a fight but every time I saw her, I felt a weird wrench in my chest.

At the very least, Emma seemed happy for her.

Then, Coco Allen, a Si Chi junior, appeared from the crowd and squeezed between the freshmen. “There you are, Y/N, I have a crim freshman with a water manipulation ability who wants to pick your brain.”

“Sure. Will you excuse me?”

“Bye!” Renee called as Coco pulled me through the crowd.

When we got to the less populated living room, I exhaled a breath I did not know I was holding. Then, I turned to the beaming Coco.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You’re welcome. You know I hate entitled freshmen,” Coco mused.

Coco was the only other black girl in Si Chi and happened to be the first one to talk to me when I visited the house last year. She was a little shorter than me with deep mahogany skin that always glowed. She always wore her waist-length jet-black hair in tight curls and accessorized solely with gold jewelry. That day, she wore a fitted white sundress with espadrilles.

“Were there this many last year?” I asked.

Coco shook her head. “But there are a few more black girls so it’s promising.”

“That’s great! I hope I can find them before the event’s over.”

“That would be great.” Coco eyed me. “So, how are you holding up?”

“I’m okay, the mimosas don’t hurt though.”

“They never do. You didn’t have to come today, you know, you could have taken more time, get out of here for a minute.”

I shook my head. “I needed this, it’s a nice distraction or, it has been. Besides, what would it look like if the secretary didn’t attend?”

Coco nodded slowly but I could tell that the gears in her head were turning too much for her to be convinced. “You’re already Sydney and Lydia’s favorite and they might have let it slide.”

I cocked my head at her and she immediately started chuckling half-heartedly.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. The hoops they make us jump through are ridiculous,” Coco reflected.

“It makes sense why you didn’t want to be an officer even though you’re poli sci,” I commented.

Coco grinned. “Hey, I’m making decent connections just by being in this house. This is just a steppingstone on my path to become the first black woman supe president.”

Even though the title was long, if anyone could do it, it was Coco. One time last year I sat in on one of her debates in class and she had a senior in tears and their debate partner ready to put their laser eyes to good use.

“Well, don’t forget little ole me when you’re a big shot,” I teased.

Coco frowned. “What do you mean ‘little’? You have done too much to talk like that.”

I shrugged. “Not that they’re not as important but my four-year plan is less impressive than yours.”

“Oh yeah, the plan where you basically end up a trophy wife? No shade but, I think you’d be way too bored in that role.”

“Hey, I would have a city contract too. Plus, it’s what I want and what I see for myself every time I look into the future. Every step I have taken up until this point puts me closer to that.”

My voice was much stronger than I thought it would be but Coco was always pushing me. Some days it was motivating and on others, it was infuriating.

“Like I said, I’m not trying to crush your dreams or your plan but is that really all you want for yourself? Especially thinking about all the good you’re already doing with your powers?” Coco questioned.

Her words plagued me for the rest of the event and bugged me when we gave our ratings of the pledges to Sydney and Lydia.

“Oh, and Y/N, don’t forget to send me that compilation with all the pledges’ socials,” Sydney requested as I was on my way out of the foyer.

“Of course, you’ll have it by the end of the day.”

Everything was much quieter underwater, except for my thoughts, but those were much clearer. Every time I thought about where I would be in five years, it was the same: smiling at a city event on the arm of some suit. I never saw the man’s face but I knew he had to be somewhat attractive. My eyes fluttered closed at the bottom of the pool and I focused on my future.

It was the same image, complete with flashing cameras and I was wearing a gorgeous rose pink Oscar de la Renta gown. My hair was piled on top of my head in Senegalese twists, and I was smiling widely. However, when I tried to look at whose arm I was on, it was like I could not turn my head. The harder I tried, the sorer the side of my neck got.

After a few more seconds of trying, I pushed myself up to the surface and sucked in the air. The sky was a mix of orange, purple, and blue. Sydney was blasting “My Head, My Heart”, which signaled that she was getting ready to go out with Eric Landon, the president of Sigma Kappa. It would be nice to be asked on a date, a proper one without the expectations of sex later.

My face warmed at the fact that I had never actually been asked out. People constantly told me how good looking I was but that did not translate into boys falling all over themselves for me. There were the occasional fun nights out but it would always end in that same venue. I didn’t think I asked for too much: flowers, good morning and good night texts, respect, intelligence, and ambition. Emma told me I watched too many movies once and while that could have been true, I also thought that it wasn’t too much to ask a guy to hold a door open.

It also did not help that Jordan was the last person I ever got close to being intimate with. I groaned at the thought and dove underwater, making my way to the other side of the pool.

An almost-kiss should mean absolutely nothing but I could not stop thinking about it, just like I could not stop thinking about how Jordan would throw me under the bus to save themselves. I would never do that to anyone, especially not someone I cared about.

But you already did, the voice in my head hissed.

Marie didn’t count, I didn’t mean to do that; Andre, Luke, Cate, and Jordan decided for me. I would have stayed if it was my choice but that didn’t matter to Marie or any of them.

I pushed myself from the side of the pool and butterfly stroked my way to the other side. Thankfully, the water was heated and soothed my aching muscles. As I was about to resurface, I noted a blurry tall blonde figure standing above me. When I pushed up, Cate stood over me, her eyes worried.

“Hey,” I greeted.

“Hi, can we talk?”

“Sure.”

A few seconds later, I was wrapped in a fluffy towel and standing across from Cate. Her eyes shifted around for a moment before she suggested we headed inside. When we got to my room, she immediately closed the door behind us.

“Is there any way someone would have listening devices in here?” Cate asked.

“No,” I said slowly.

“Are you sure? There’s shit out now where they put it in the tiniest crevices and you would never know,” Cate argued.

“I would have seen it or had a hint about it. What’s going on?”

Cate finally sat on my bed, and I opted to stand across from her. “Andre and I found some stuff that makes Luke and Brink’s deaths way more complicated.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for one thing, they totally cleared out his room the day after he died and I mean everything.”

My eyes widened. “Even the…special drawer?”

“Yes, and at first, I thought it was protocol but what would they do with all those----”

“I get it, Cate, what else did you and Andre find?”

As Cate continued to speak, I could feel my stomach sink further and further, until I was sure it was somewhere in the house basement. Nothing Cate said meant anything positive for anyone. If there was some kind of lab under us, that meant anyone could become a part of it.

“Have you told anyone else?” I asked.

Cate huffed and leaned back on my bed. “Well, Jordan’s been spiraling about Marie and the rankings, so I can’t get a word in about anything else.”

“They’re spiraling?” I asked.

“You haven’t talked to them since Luke died?” Cate asked.

When she said it like that, it sounded like I committed a cardinal sin. After that day, there was nothing else for me to say to them. Even though I saw them in class occasionally, I never spoke to them and desperately tried to avoid eye contact.

“They could have reached out too,” I muttered.

“You’re such a younger sibling,” Cate commented.

“It’s true!” I whined.

“Well, they’ve been freaking out about the rankings since they fell down to number five and Andre’s number one.”

Being in the Top Five was like Jordan’s lifeline. They’d always shared a friendly rivalry with Luke but I knew they wanted to be number one eventually. They spent almost all their time making sure they stayed in a high position and to drop to bottom of the Top Five must have been devastating.

“Oh no,” I whispered.

“Yeah, and your new best friend cracked the Top 100 and is Jordan’s new nemesis,” Cate added.

 I walked over to my dresser and pulled out a chocolate brown loungewear set. “Neither of them are my friends.”

Cate frowned. “Seriously, what is going on with you? The other night, you and Marie were inseparable, and you and Jordan were bantering. What happened?”

It must have been the fact that I was holding all my thoughts and feelings in because I burst.

“Marie and I can’t be friends since she thinks I’m a shallow bitch who would sacrifice her to save myself because I hang out with people who do. The funny part is that Jordan admitted they would backstab me if they could get ahead, which is definitely not something I would do to a friend or anyone I almost kissed!”

I was panting by the end and my chest felt a lot lighter. However, my nerves began to build when I noticed Cate’s mischievous grin.

“Who did you almost kiss?” Cate asked.

“That’s not the point,” I mumbled.

Cate stared at me for a second before lighting up. “It was Jordan, wasn’t it?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You hesitated which means I’m right. It could have easily been Marie though since you were all over her.”

“Why do people keep saying that? I was being nice!”

Cate held up her hands in a relaxed defense. “Chill, Y/N, it’s okay to like more than one person at once.”

“I don’t like either of them.”

“At all?” Cate quirked an eyebrow.

“No,” I pouted.

Cate looked unimpressed and I felt even more unimpressed since I knew that I liked Marie and Jordan platonically.

“Okay, we’ll save that for later but, I don’t think Jordan would tell you that they would backstab you and they would not think about it. They would do it to other people, but not you.”

“You’re just saying that because they’re your friend and you weren’t there.”

Cate cocked her head to the side. “Think, Y/N, did Jordan really say, ‘I would backstab you if it would save my ass’?”

As I recalled the memory, I slowly rocked back and forth on my heels. “They didn’t say that but, they didn’t answer me when I asked if they would.” “You probably caught them off guard,” Cate reasoned. “I’m sure if you talked to them, things would go okay.”

I hesitated and set my clothes on my bed. “Let’s say that I decided to speak to them, I don’t know what to say. Even if I did, my class tomorrow isn’t with them.

“You’re not going to the Think Brink gala tomorrow night?” Cate asked.

Earlier that day, Mom mentioned something about a gala on the phone but I was only half-listening. In my defense, there was only so much complaining about her clients and Dad that I could stand. I grabbed my phone from my nightstand and “Go to Brink gala” was in bright letters on my calendar.

“I guess I am,” I concluded.

“Then, you have some time to figure it out. You might get lucky and not even have to say anything.” I nodded and messed with the charm on my phone. “But what about Marie?”

“You’ll figure that out too. Indira’s taking her to the gala so, you can get both your ‘friends’ back,” Cate said, putting “friends” in air quotes.

“Why did you do it like that? Don’t say it like that.”

“Just because you’re in denial doesn’t mean I am. Think about it, would you be this freaked out if we had a fight?”

The “yes” should have come immediately but it didn’t; it died in my throat, and I couldn’t look at Cate. Why were things different with Marie and Jordan? Why did I stress out about them when I tried to stop thinking about them?

“Can you just make me say the right thing?” I asked.

Cate mulled it over for a moment. “I think it’s best if you do it yourself. If you don’t have a vision about it, something will come to you.”

“Thanks, Cate. If you and Andre need any help snooping----”

“You will be the first person I text,” Cate assured.

“I was going to say that I’ll probably know before you.”

I narrowly avoided the pillow Cate tossed at me and laughed at her effort.

“Maybe you are getting a little too cocky, Y/N.” She stood and walked over to me. “And for the record, I would never betray you in any way, neither would Andre or Jordan. If either of them did, they would have to deal with me.”

“Thanks, I would hug you but I’m still soaking wet.”

“Yeah, that’s smart. I know this might be useless but try not to worry about everything.”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t hurt to try.”

“You’re taking the meds from Indira?”

“Yes, Mom,” I teased.

“Just trying to help.”

Strangely, that was the first night since Luke’s death that I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. The trend was that I would strain myself to have premonitions until I was exhausted and tried again in the morning. For once, sleep found me quickly.

After sitting through a two-hour lecture on trauma’s impact on villains and heroes, I was more than happy to wander back to the Si Chi house and decompress. In a few hours, Talia, Mom’s assistant, would arrive with options for the gala. Then, the glam team would arrive and do their best to ignore Mom while they did their jobs.

I needed all the relaxation I could get.

 As I was mentally reviewing which movies I could watch, my phone kept buzzing in my back pocket. I thought it was another flurry of comments on the TikTok Coco and I made yesterday but it was from a strange number.

XXX-XXX-XXXX: Y/N, pls come 2 my dorm, it’s an emergency.

XXX-XXX-XXXX: Im srry we haven’t talked in a while but it’s important.

I frowned and typed back, ????

XXX-XXX-XXXX: It’s Marie. Emma’s in trouble.

My stomach dropped and I replied, B there soon.

As I raced around other people on campus, my thoughts moved faster at the possibility of what could have been going on with Emma. The last time I had spoken to her was two days ago and she was okay then. If anything, she may have been tense because Marie and I were not speaking but she had not said anything else.

I was halfway to their dorm when I ran into something solid.

“Watch where you’re going, Y/N,” Maverick sneered.

“If you put on some clothes, maybe I’d see you,” I shot back as I continued down the hall.

When I finally got to their dorm, I was panting and could barely knock. Marie pulled the door open, pulled me in, and closed the door behind me.

“Did you sprint here?” she asked.

I nodded. “You said…it was…an….emergency…Emma.”

In the middle of me grabbing my bearings, I noticed something tiny next to one of the supports on Emma’s bed. Slowly, I slid to my knees and crawled over to it. When I realized who it was, a choked gasp escaped my mouth.

“What happened?” I whispered.

“I don’t know. She was like that when I got here and I didn’t know what to do so I called you since you’ve known her the longest,” Marie rambled.

Her words barely registered in my brain as I went to one of Emma’s drawers, grabbed a small set of clothes, wrapped her in it, and carefully set her on her bed. Emma was barely breathing and was ghostly pale.

“Emma, I know you’re probably not going to like this but, you’re going to need to eat something.”

She didn’t reply and for a second, I wondered if she could.

I started rifling through all her stuff until I found a box of crackers. My hands trembled as I broke them into small pieces and kneeled in front of Emma. She never looked at me as she nibbled on each crumb I fed her.

Eventually, she grew back to her normal size. As soon as she was, she pulled her knees to her chest.

“I’m sorry you saw me like that,” she muttered.

Slowly, I sat next to her and it was almost the same way zookeepers treated wild animals. If one moved calmly enough, they would not get attacked. Marie sat on her bed.

“It’s okay, I’m glad we were able to help,” I replied. “What happened?”

Emma sniffed. “I opened up to this girl in my class. We’re scene partners for a project and we were talking, and I guess I felt comfortable enough to tell her about how I get small. I thought it was just between us, but she posted this…this video on YouTube telling the whole world about it.”

“Who’s the girl?” Marie asked.

“How do you get small?” I uttered at the same time.

Emma froze for a moment and looked away from me. “I make myself…sick.”

When she said it, I suddenly remembered all those times she would go to the bathroom and then come out a miniature version of herself. However, all those times, it was for different commercials or other work-related events. Then again, there had to be times when she did it at home or at my house.

How did I never notice? “Emma, I’m so sorry. I wish you would’ve told me sooner,” I said.

Emma turned to me with a glare in her eyes. “Really? How would I work that into a conversation? ‘Hey, Y/N, I’m sorry to interrupt but, I make myself throw up to get small’?”.

“We’re friends, friends tell each other this kind of thing,” I insisted.

Emma scoffed. “Please, like you would get it if I told you. You’re perfect, you always have been. Your face, your hair, your body, your eyes, your life!”

“That’s not fair.”

“Emma, I think you need to get help,” Marie interrupted.

Emma’s gaze flickered to hers and I thought she might set Marie on fire. “I need to get help, that’s rich coming from you. You act like no one can see your scars.”

Marie flinched and her eyes narrowed slightly. “I do that for my powers, that’s different.”

Emma laughed callously. “Please, at least be honest. How about this: I’ll go to therapy when you admit to cutting.”

Emma’s voice had no tone and every word she said was like a hammer slamming into my chest. She wasn’t in the right headspace for any conversation and I kept reminding myself as I stood.

“We should talk later when we’ve all calmed down,” I suggested.

“I don’t want to speak to either of you again,” she hissed.

It took more effort than usual to swallow the lump in my throat as I let myself out of their dorm. Just as I was about to lean against the door and wallow, Marie slipped out behind me and shut the door. I took a step back, barely avoiding a pair of girls rushing past.

“Sorry,” she apologized.

“It’s fine.”

Silence filled the space for a moment, and I had no idea how to fill it. Cate said I would know what to say but I was at a loss.

“I’m sorry about what I said…that day,” Marie delivered gently.

My eyes snapped up at her. “Oh.”

She sighed. “I was just angry, and I thought you were a part of it but, Emma kept saying that you would never do something like that. I just didn’t know how to reach out or say anything.”

I know the feeling.

“I accept your apology but I’m also sorry that no one came back for you. I guess it worked out, though?”

Marie sighed and leaned against her door. “Sort of. The perks are nice and I’m in crim now but I feel like everyone’s looking at me and expects something from me; almost like they’re waiting for me to fail.”

“Really? They had me convinced you’d be the black Starlight,” I teased.

Marie laughed half-heartedly. “I still want to be a hero, though, someone like her people can look up to.”

“Anyone in particular?”

Marie hesitated. “My little sister. We were both obsessed with heroes when we were younger, but I was the one who got Compound V. She always looked up to me and I want to be someone who would make her proud.”

“That’s a really admirable goal,” I complimented.

She smiled softly. “What about you? Shouldn’t you be my competition to be the black Starlight?”

My expression faltered and I looked down at my French acrylics. “No, I don’t think I have the showmanship you do. Besides, my goal isn’t to be in the Seven.”

“Really? What do you want to do?” Marie asked.

“So, I have this four year plan and if I follow the steps I am on to a T, I will graduate with a city contract and be engaged to an eligible supe.”

Usually, when I told someone my four year plan, my chest swelled and my shoulders rolled back unconsciously. This time, it felt like I was a toddler showing my mom a drawing I made in school.

“Is that it?” Marie asked.

“I know it’s more traditional and maybe even a little lame but, it’s what I want,” I maintained.

Marie nodded slowly.

“What is it?”

“Nothing, I just imagined you doing something in, like, criminal AI or stopping criminals from re-offending.”

“Both are great, they’re just not me.”

“Which is fine,” Marie insisted.

She sounded a little too eager but I let it go as we started walking down the hallway.

“What should we do about Emma?” Marie asked.

“I’ve never seen her like that before but she’ll need time to cool off.”

“Sounds good, I just have nowhere to go until the gala tonight.”

“You could come to Si Chi for a bit. I can’t promise they won’t try to initiate you, though.”

Marie laughed. “Me, in a sorority?”

“Hey, we’re getting more black girls this year so you never know!”

“Whatever but, yeah, I’d like to hang out with you…at your house.”

Even though Marie rushed the last part, a smile quirked on the corners of my mouth. It would be nice to have a new friend over and it was even nicer that there was no more tension between us.

“You know, Emma never told us the name of that girl,” Marie pondered once we got outside.

“Oh, that’s easy.” I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my contacts until I reached the right one.

Shelby answered on the first ring. “Y/N, hi!” “Hey, are you on your way to class?” I asked.

“Yeah, if I’m late one more time, Professor Elix is going to make me do an improv one-woman show!” she panted.

“Well, I don’t want to slow you down but, you have class with Emma Meyer, right?”

“Oh yeah, Intro to Stage, why?”

“Cool. She told me her stage partner has an incredible Insta aesthetic, but she never told me her name and I need new inspo.”

“Oh, that’s Justine. I don’t know her last name but I’m sure you’ll find her.”

“Thanks, Shelby. Have fun in class.”

“Thanks!”

I hung up and turned to Marie, whose eyebrows were raised. “What?”

“What was that voice?” Marie asked.

“It was my voice. Haven’t you heard of code-switching?”

“Fine. Did you get the name?”

“Yes, Justine and I’ve met her.”

“What? How?”

“She’s rushing Si Chi.” I couldn’t keep the devilish smile from working its way into my mouth.

“What does that look mean?” Marie asked.

“It means that there are many more perks to being in a top house besides living in it.”

For some reason, everyone thinks that white girls have a monopoly on passive aggression and relational aggression. That was not the case at all; black girls simply are more inclined towards active aggression but we’re capable of both. I proved as much during Brink’s gala.

The ballroom was packed with board members, trustees, alumni, and the wealthiest GOD U students, the latter being my target of interest. They were all easy to approach since I had met them at some function or another.

“Y/N,” Bianca Peterson gushed as she hugged me.

Her Gucci Guilty perfume tickled my nose and I willed myself not to sneeze as I politely pulled away from her. “Bianca, it’s been too long. I think the last time I saw you was at Beta Ro’s Brunch for Boy Scouts.”

Bianca nodded, light auburn curls bouncing around her sculpted features. “Yes, we bonded over jewelry.”

“And you still have fantastic taste,” I mentioned, gesturing to the gold buckle around her wrist.

“Thank you, it was a present from Theo but I gave him a few hints,” she bragged lightly.

“How is rush going?” I asked.

“Pretty well, our pledges are shaping up nicely this year, not that they don’t every year,” she quickly added the last part.

“Of course. Do you have a lot of girls from Counting?”

“We’re interested in a couple, why? Are you trying to poach?”

I shook my head. “Not at all, I just wasn’t sure if you heard what Layla from Zeta Nu discovered.”

Bianca raised a microbladed brow. “No, I don’t think I have.”

I took a deep inhale and slowly shook my head in disbelief. “Oh, well, I should let it come from her then.”

A moment later, Bianca glanced across the room at Layla Ruthers, the president of Zeta Nu, who was smiling politely at a pair of hunched-over old men.

“In case I don’t have a chance to talk to her, what happened?” Bianca asked.

I glanced around us for a moment before leaning closer. “Apparently, a freshman posted a video about another girl’s eating disorder.”

“Really?” Bianca’s eyes widened.

I nodded. “Layla was insulted for the other girl and banned the pledge from rushing Zeta Nu. She even said that no respectable house would accept someone so low-class.”

“Oh,” Bianca uttered.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take up all your time. I should go mingle.”

I made it about two steps before Bianca gently grabbed one of my arms.

“Wait, Y/N. Did Layla say the name of the pledge?”

My eyes wandered around the twinkling lights of the room for a second. “Justine something, I think.”

“Thank you. I’ll see you later.”

“Sure!”

The rest of my conversations followed that pattern. Each girl I spoke to was shocked and horrified by my words. Plus, none of them would dare speak to the other; that would mean another house had better information than them. My final target was easily the most important one: Sydney.

In her ice-blue mermaid dress and intricate updo, she looked more like Cinderella than a gala attendee. She was standing at a table, nodding her head at something a shorter guy was saying.

“Excuse me,” I politely interrupted, “I need to borrow Sydney for a second.”

The guy deflated slightly. “Sure.”

“I’ll see you soon.” Sydney huffed a sigh of relief as soon as we were out of earshot. “Thank you, I don’t know what he was even talking about.”

“Anytime,” I replied.

She snatched a champagne flute from a passing server and downed half of it. “I can’t wait for this night to be over.”

I nodded. “It is morbid despite their attempt to dress it up.”

“Yeah, and my parents won’t stop bugging me about my future. I can only apply to so many internships and not everyone is looking for a telekinetic,” she griped. “Sorry, how are you?”

“I’m alright. Ironically, I think he’d hate the name they picked but I didn’t know him super well,” I admitted.

“Right.”

Here it goes.

“So, I think the event the other day was a success,” I commented.

“Definitely. The house was packed. It’s too bad we can’t accept them all.”

Sydney smiled as she spoke.

“I know. It’s great that there’s so much interest.” I paused for a second. “But, I wanted to tell you that something came up with one of the pledges.”

Sydney gestured for me to continue.

“Even though my social media deep dive on the pledges was thorough, something came up today that I thought you should know when considering the pledges,” I explained.

“Okay.”

“Today, Justine posted a video exposing another girl’s eating disorder. Several of the girls were upset when they saw it.”

“That’s awful,” Sydney responded.

“It’s also so disappointing since I met Justine during that event, and she was saying how women empowerment is important to her. I know that women empowerment is a huge passion for you and a foundation for Si Chi and to imagine a pledge so willing to tear down another woman infiltrating the safe space you building is horrifying.”

Despite the liquor, I could tell Sydney was processing my words quicker than any computer. Her expression shifted from shock to anger to coldness. Then, she finished the last of her champagne and set it on the table closest to us. “Thank you for telling me, Y/N. I’ll see you later.”

As she walked away, I grinned widely at the response. Bid Day was going to be even more fun and interesting than last year. To celebrate, I grabbed myself a flute of champagne and sipped it as I started to wander the room.

“Y/N!”

My body froze at the masculine voice and my mind raced with what to say or do. Finally, I decided to face Jordan. They were in their masculine form and standing at a table by themselves. Though they looked fantastic in their navy suit, they looked like they hadn’t slept in days.

“Hello.”

I practically sang it and prayed for someone to make the floor swallow me.

“Can we talk?” he asked.

“Um, sure.” I walked closer to their table and rested my forearms on it.

 “It’s good to see you,” he started. “Outside of class, I mean.”

“You too.”

Jordan nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s good.” He paused. “I’m sorry about everything.”

I looked up from tapping my nails on the tablecloth. “Wh---”

“Please, let me finish. That day…I don’t know why I didn’t just tell you that I wouldn’t throw you under the bus but I wouldn’t even think about it. How could I do that to my little freshman?”

For the first time ever, my chest warmed at the nickname. However, I tried to bite back the smile that was worming its way onto my face.

I glanced away for a moment, crossing my arms over my purple sleeveless satin gown. “Well, I guess I forgive you,” I playfully grumbled before turning back to him. “But you still did it pretty easily to Marie.”

Jordan’s expression faltered and he sipped some champagne. “Don’t mention her.”

“Why not? She’s my friend and we did a very mean thing,” I argued.

“Look, I protected myself and you that night, I won’t apologize for that. Besides, she’s still here and she’s doing great,” he spat.

“I know you’re pissed about the rankings but, those can change, especially with how hard you work and how powerful you are.”

Jordan scoffed. “That’s how it should work but no one wants to back a bigender Asian.”

His words made me stop for a second. In all the time I knew them, Jordan seemed invincible to punches, laser beams, electric shocks, and words. They made succeeding at Godolkin look so easy but it must have been anything but. Plus, Luke and Brink’s death must have impacted everything else.

“We’ll see about that,” I challenged. “There’s about thirty trustees and every board member in this room. There will have to be a few who will like you.”

Jordan hesitated. “I’m not really in the mood to promote myself.”

“Then let me talk,” I offered.

He eyed me for a while before crossing over to my side of the table and looping one of his arms with mine. “Don’t make me look bad, freshie.”

“I think that’s impossible.”

The first target was easy: a thirtysomething white guy with floppy light brown hair and an oversized gray suit. I focused on him for a moment, gathering as much information as I could.

“Trevor Emerson, GOD U alum and old money beneficiary,” I muttered to Jordan.

“Isn’t he supposed to hate me?” Jordan hissed back.

“He’s overcome by white guilt since his recent discovery that all the black and brown people who built and managed his family’s manor were not salaried employees,” I explained. “He’s dying to look as much of an ally as possible.”

Jordan straightened up. “Good job, freshie.”

“I haven’t even gotten started.” I painted a polite smile on my face. “Mr. Emerson, it’s so nice to meet you, can we bother you for a moment?”

Two guilty and three haughty donors later, Jordan and I found ourselves at a different table. It was the first time that I saw him smile that night.

“You were amazing out there,” Jordan exclaimed.

“Thank you but you also made my job a little easier being talented and whatever,” I joked.

“Seriously.” Jordan grabbed my hand. “You might have saved my ass.”

I tried to ignore the tingle that shot up from my hand into the side of my neck. “It’s okay, I’m happy to help.”

When they announced that the video was about to start Jordan sulked again. “I can’t believe they’re making us sit through this shit.”

“Me neither.” I rest my hand on top of his. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask sooner but, are you okay?”

Jordan laughed humorlessly. “No but schmoozing with you did help a little. I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah.”

When we parted our separate ways, I wiped my sweaty palms on my dress skirt and approached my table. Fortunately, Mom and Dad had not burned down the ballroom with their arguing. In fact, when I got to their table, Mom was on her phone and Dad was rhythmically tapping his fingers against the tablecloth, looking anywhere but her.

“Hi, were you bored with me gone?” I asked, giving Dad a side hug.

“Not at all. I met a few board members and sold a few pictures,” he responded.

I nodded and slowly took the middle seat between them. The video was equal parts patronizing and infuriating. However, my parents’ whispers kept me from focusing too much on the video.

“Y/M/N, can you get off the phone for one second? They’re playing the video,” Dad hissed.

“I am about to cut the biggest deal of this quarter. They can send it,” Mom hissed back, waving a manicured hand for emphasis.

“Mom, people are starting to stare,” I quietly interjected.

“Let them stare. This is what’s paying for you to be here.”

“Don’t act like I don’t contribute!” Their words used to make me flinch but I forced myself to sit up straighter and breathe.

“I’m grateful for it, for both of you, really. You both paid to be here and I thought you would not want to miss the man they’re honoring,” I whispered.

Those words made Mom slowly mutter something into the phone before placing it face down on the table and leaning forward. At that same time, they flashed a picture of Brink and me across the screen. He had been meeting with my small group when the photographer appeared.

Dad squeezed an arm around my shoulder and I softly leaned into his touch.

“Thank God you lost that baby fat,” Mom commented.

“Y/M/N,” Dad said quietly.

“You know it’s true, Y/D/N,” Mom hissed back.

Suddenly, Dad’s arm felt like a boa constrictor, and I gracefully slipped out of its grasp. When the video ended, I drank a fresh flute of champagne. The bubbles instantly went to my head as I giggled at Dean Shetty introducing Marie.

She looked really pretty even though she was nervous.

“Do you know her?” Mom asked over the applause.

“We’re friends,” I replied.

“So why is she a guardian and not you?”

“She was more involved in stopping Luke than me,” I lied.

 When Dean Shetty cued everyone to return to socializing, Mom turned to me.

“Your grades are fantastic and your standing in your house is good,” Mom began. “But eligible bachelors will not notice you unless you stand out like her.”

“Y/M/N, leave her alone. Anyone who doesn’t notice Y/N isn’t worthy of being in our family anyway,” Dad defended.

Mom ignored him. “That girl, Marie Moreau, is not your friend, she is your competition. You are in the prime setting to have everything you’ve ever wanted but she could snatch it from you. You’re supposed to be able to see things like this coming, Y/N.”

“I do see things coming and I know Marie wouldn’t do that to me,” I quipped.

At that moment, Mom’s eyes bore so deep into me that I didn’t think that anyone could claw them out. Her eyes looked like they were going to bug out of her head at any moment and I could feel my breathing pick up.

“I’m sorry, it just slipped out,” I promised.

It felt like forever until she leaned back in her seat and grabbed her phone.

“Make sure it doesn’t ‘slip out’ again. Now go socialize.”

“I need a minute, Mom, I’ve been socializing since we got here.”

Mom rolled her eyes. “This again.”

“What?”

“Y/M/N, please.”

“No, no, Y/D/N, she is constantly using, what, anxiety to get out of speaking to people. You are always too soft on her and make me look like the bad guy. I’m the one helping her be normal,” Mom snapped. “Anxiety didn’t exist when we were her age, we just did what we had to do, and look where we are now.”

I wondered if Emma ever felt as small as I did in that moment. Then, I wondered if she ever made herself small to hide from people, even her mom. Wordlessly, I left the table and tried to avoid any cameras as the tears burned in the corners of my eyes.

I tried to take deep breaths to calm my trembling chest and keep my throat busy. My chest shifted from trembling to heavy and I started looking around the room.

“I hear one piano…feel two fingers…smell three different alcohols…and see---”

“Y/N, are you okay?” Cate’s voice broke me out of my rhythm and I glanced to see her sitting with Marie and Jordan, who was in their feminine form.

My chest felt much lighter and I quickly wiped away my tears. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Bullshit,” Jordan called gently.

Cate pulled me into a hug and had me sit between her and Marie. “What happened?”

“My parents, well, my mom mostly. I guess I got too anxious for her, and she yelled at me,” I rambled.

Cate smiled softly. “Then you came at the perfect time. We were just talking about our horrible parents.”

My ears perked up. “Really?”

“Well, mine are dead,” Marie commented.

I turned to her and placed my hands on top of hers. “What? I’m so sorry. How did it…”

“I accidentally killed them with my powers,” Marie explained.

“That must have been horrible.”

Marie barely nodded and I squeezed her hands. “I just told my little brother to go away during a camping trip. He never came back and my mom pretty much locked me away,” Cate confessed. “I was seven.”

 “What?” I whispered.

“I killed my grandpa with my powers,” Jordan interjected.

We all turned to her and I cocked my head to the side.

“No, you didn’t,” Cate countered.

Jordan smiled. “You’re right, I was feeling left out.”

I didn’t think that I could laugh the way I did but it felt so nice. At least I had friends again.

When I started sipping on the whiskey Cate stole, I saw a brief image flash before my eyes. There was a guy with curly brown hair covered in dirt running away from several bloody bodies. He paused for a moment and opened his hand, revealing a tiny sleeping Emma. When the vision left, Andre was standing in front of us.

“Seriously?” I complained before he even spoke.

[sillysillygoofygoose]

Miguel is the type of man who loves a strong woman.

He loves a woman who will put him in his place when he deserves it. A woman who will throw the "hard to get" act right back at him. A sarcastic, sassy, but sweet woman. A woman who's not intimidated by his brooding facade. A confident woman.

A woman, not a girl.

He loves a woman who knows what she wants and knows how to effectively get her point across. An assertive, emotionally thorough, and grounded woman.

You take a deep inhale, realizing how much the situation has escalated during the past five minutes of back and forth nothings.

"Miguel, I feel like this is counterproductive. Let's just sit down and talk, okay?" Your calm, steady voice immediately eases half of the tension in the room, just like that. He shook his head in agreement, almost as if to rid of the hostile thoughts that were slowly building a crooked wall at the forefront of his mind.

"It really upsets me when you prioritize work over our relationship. I know it's important to you, but you're important to me. I just want us to have more time together. How can we compromise?" You state your feelings and hopes, laying out the option for Miguel to vocalize his as you look him right in the eye.

Miguel never realized how much his previous relationships or flings lacked solid communication until that moment. You didn't have to yell or pout to make him get the message. Your deliberate words stood just as strong as screams. No. Stronger.

The ability to stand up for yourself, what you want, and what you believe in without being purposefully disagreeable and difficult is one you possess. You can stand on your own two feet without anyone supporting you. You believe in yourself. And it's so attractive to Miguel.

Something that makes you so womanly is your ability to be gentle and caring... maternal. Being bold and strong-willed often has people leaping to the conclusion that you're a heartless bitch. But that couldn't be further from the truth. You're just authoritative. But you know how to be soft and understanding. You're a beautiful balance.

Intelligence. What could be more powerful than intelligence? Though, you're not just book smart... you're people smart. You know how to communicate, how to start and hold a conversation. So goddamn sexy...

Just as much as you know what you want in life, you know what you want in bed. Miguel is more than happy to fulfill your every command.

How he eats you out, how fast he should thrust... even how many hickies he's allowed to leave on your chest. You're playful and feisty, sex often leading to a pure fight for dominance.

But you're just so beautiful. A warm and welcoming character shielded by a powerful aura, all laid out for him. His woman.

His woman with a grown body. Hip dips, cellulite, stretch marks, with hair protecting your most feminine parts.

Miguel is not one to be scared off by broad shoulders or a strong frame because you're a woman. A grown, strong woman.

His strong woman.

Hope you enjoyed! Xoxo

*Don't get me wrong, I love a dominant Miguel making a stuttering slut out of a pretty, shy girl... buutttt I think he has a soft spot for outspoken, foxy women 🤭*

[beneathsilverstars]

DO YOU HAVE ANY. headcanons about!! families?? outside of the party??

if not, relationships with food / cooking :]

Mira's family dynamics I talked about recently! Only child, lots of pressure to be her parents' perfect coddled baby, they loved her but couldn't love her bc they never gave her space to be herself. Let's say she has a mom and a dad, both trans. I think her parents struggled with infertility and had a previous late-term miscarriage — lots of time to desperately plan out their perfect family, and not much hope of a second child on whom to pin any of those dreams. They're so sad that she's not really in contact with them anymore, but they don't push it because they know they did something wrong, even if they don't quite get what they should've done instead.

Mira tried her best to go along with their plans and act properly as a child, but withdrew more and more as a teenager, then left at age 16. She didn't run away, and technically her parents gave their blessing, but they had a huge fight about it which had never really happened before. Sometimes Mira considers reaching out, but she feels too guilty about making her dad cry like that, and then upset that she feels guilty, etc. Easier to stay strangers.

-

Isabeau we know has a huge family! I think he has three older siblings and two younger (which means he has no older child responsibility, but also no younger child attention). Let's make them up real quick! But only with initials, I can't pull out names that fast.

31 - F - rebellious, angrily resists getting parentified 30 - J - overly kind, helps raise the younger kids, stressed 27 - M - neat freak, lots of hobbies/activities 24 - Isa - quiet, allergic to bothering anyone 23 - D - very sensitive both emotionally and sensorily 21 - L - fussy baby to loud and rambunctious child

The combination of D and L was very difficult! L knocks over D's tower, D starts wailing, L starts screaming, D cries so hard they throw up, etc. Also L's favorite activity from age 2-4 was escaping the house and exploring by herself! And that's why she was the last kid.

Let's say, two moms. Decent people, and good parents for the older couple kids at first, they love kids and looove babies! But they're a bit impulsive, and very stubborn, and really started to struggle with the last two kids. They still did a pretty good job with the most urgent issues, but they just didn't have time or energy for anything that wasn't an urgent issue.

Isabeau's parents often praised him for being so easy — you never cause trouble, you take care of yourself, you're so responsible! So he never went to them when he did maybe need help. Got good at teaching himself skills and repressing difficult emotions and not taking up space. Didn't protest chores, or other people not doing their chores. Didn't invite friends over. Didn't complain. Oh, Isabeau, so self-sufficient you hardly know he's there!

He got really good at reading a room! He's seen many a tantrum and argument, and quietly learned which resolution methods worked better or worse and even usually reasoned out why. He just... never did anything with that knowledge, because stepping in to mediate involves stepping in and becoming part of that conflict. Scary! And it's not like any of his siblings would listen to him, anyway, they barely remember he exists.

For the first half of his childhood, one of his mom's siblings lived with them too, along with their two kids. The cousins were nice enough, but 2 and 5 years older than F, and kinda fed up with all the young children pestering them. Though, out of everyone Isa was the favorite of the younger of the two, because he wasn't annoying and made a useful sounding board for her schoolwork. Isa got to learn about advanced topics and sometimes receive cool trinkets! Still not a super strong relationship, but he was devastated when she reached adulthood and moved out.

-

We know Odile's mom left when she was very young, I'm gonna say 1.5 years. She got past the baby period and went fuck, it's not getting easier? It's just getting different kinds of difficult? It's going to be difficult for the next 16.5 years??? And skedaddled. Odile's dad had also been ready for things to settle back into normalcy now that the baby was sleeping through the night and eating normal food, and was absolutely blindsided by his partner leaving. He got extremely depressed and relied a lot on community support to help care for Odile for the next little while.

Once Odile was walking and talking like a person, he was able to pull himself together and be there for her, and loved her so ferociously. But sometimes her laugh or something would remind him too much of her mom and he would kinda check out for the rest of the day. He hated thinking about his ex and then he'd start to hate her and then get so, so sad. Maybe even hate Odile for a moment and get even sadder. Why can't he just be content? Odile's the only light in his life, she's what makes everything worth it, why does he still wish he had her mom back instead?

Pobody's nerfect though and he did pretty well! Odile was a fairly cranky toddler because she just couldn't do all of the things that she so desperately wanted to be able to do (also trauma), but once she got past those first 5 years of constant developmental leaps, she mellowed out a lot. So she didn't mind hanging out and coloring or reading a book by herself while her dad was "taking a nap" (staring at the ceiling fighting his inner demons). And she love love loved all the things he did with her, reading and gardening and especially shopping — she got to write the grocery list and count out the money and everything! She got cranky-frustrated again as a teen, on top of increasingly complex feelings about her mom and realizing her dad is depressed as fuck, but they had a strong enough bond to make it through that phase okay.

At some point in her 20s Odile made him go to therapy! It helped, and so did anti-depressants. He even started dating again eventually and now has a nice husband, who Odile was quite wary of at first and generally not interested in getting to know. She's glad her dad is happier now, though! I think he's still alive during ISAT, but getting fairly old since he and his wife were a bit on the older side when Odile was born.

-

Bonnie is 11 years old during canon and Pétronille is 20; she ran away from home when Bonnie was 4 and she was freshly 14. She saw that their parents were starting to treat Bonnie the way they treated her, now that they were a full kid instead of a useless toddler, and she got them the fuck out of there!

(cw for the next paragraph: abusive parents, person who is both abusive and mentally ill and abused)

Nille is bipolar with psychotic symptoms, and I've been going back and forth on this but I'm gonna say yes it runs in the family and her mom was bipolar as well. She didn't really give a shit about her kids, she had them because that's what you do! She made Nille do most of the housekeeping, and help with her schemes to turn their lives around for real this time: surely if I perfect this recipe I can open a restaurant, surely if we rearrange the furniture I'll stop hating this house, surely if I buy and wear the right necklace my partner will love me again, etc. The second baby was an attempt to fix her relationship, and while she'd thought baby Nille was cute and had enjoyed the intense new baby-mom relationship, she got sick of baby Bonnie even faster and foisted their care onto Nille. Their dad was worse! He bonded with the person he did because he knew she'd be totally reliant on him, and he had kids because he wanted more people to control. Mom sometimes tried to stand up for the kids, but always quickly gave up and withdrew more or turned on them instead.

So! Nille stole her mom's jewelry, put Bonnie in a wheelbarrow and walked as far as she could. She ended up in Bambouche. She started working for a trio who fished and ran a shop/restaurant; she prepared the fish and washed dishes and other odd jobs, and she was allowed to bring Bonnie with her. Some people offered to take the two of them in, or babysit Bonnie, but she did not trust like that. So everyone just quietly patronized that shop a little extra so the trio could afford to do things like say "oh no I bought this huge bag of the wrong kind of rice, can't just serve a different kind, but I don't want it, guess I'll throw it away unless you could use it..?"

Eventually she started trusting her neighbors enough to directly accept leftovers and hand-me-downs, let Bonnie play at their houses, etc. Right in time for her bipolar disorder to really hit! She tried so hard to keep forcing herself through the motions for Bonnie, but one day she went into work manically ranting about how she was going to destroy Bonnie's life just like her parents did hers and her bosses were like woah there! They closed shop for the day to focus on checking on Bonnie and making sure they had babysitting arranged, finding Nille a therapist, and reassuring Nille that Bonnie was safe, and everyone will help make sure that Bonnie stays safe, and she can get help too so she can keep being a great gaurdian.

By pre-canon she is on anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers and knows a fuckton of coping mechanisms! She fishes now and sells her catches herself, and while she works Bonnie goes to school and runs around the village with the other kids and pesters travelers for stories and whatnot.

-

I don't have super solid headcanons for Siffrin's family yet because it makes me soo sad to imagine their family missing them or not-missing them or obliterated. So I'm trying to let myself just leave it open so I can practice the skill of "deciding on worldbuilding facts as they become relevant to your story instead of typing out an entire bible first". But let's say he had three parents and two siblings, which is pretty standard for the island, and lots of cousins and family friends. Someone or other is holding a huge cookout at least twice a week, and, and Siffrin was a really kind-but-mischievious older sibling and, bwahhhh 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

He sailed off for a couple hours at age 15 because his baba's super strict about everyone trying a bite of every food every time, yes even if you're sure you hate it it's important to be a good example for the younger kids and who knows maybe you'll like it this time! So Siffrin ran off to prove that he was basically an adult and not actually beholden to their rules, and they should appreciate his presence and take him seriously instead of treating him like a clueless baby.

:(

[yuseirra]

Relationship Anaylsis: the parallels of Aqua-Akane & Aqua-Kana and Hikaru-Ai

In short, what Hikaru had with Ai is the combination of what Aqua has with these two girls.

I'm really good at analyzing emotions. It is my forte. I think I got this!! I got a huge hunch after having seen the most recent episode of the onk anime (S2 EP 15).

this post is mostly about Aqua's relationship with the two girls. It does lean towards aqukana.

If you're okay with it, please read!!:

*this was originally written in a different language, then translated through chatgpt..hshsh I've been doing this a lot..wow but it's so helpful though..

I just watched this episode, and oh, there's definitely something to it this time. I do have the volumes, but I read them last year... haha, and the memories are really coming back.

I think this episode really highlights how the relationship dynamics were set up.

It became clear that Hikaru and Ai's relationship split into Aqua-Kana and Aqua-Akane. Akane's relationship with Aqua feels like she emotionally supports him. On the other hand, Kana tends to break through Aqua's barriers and pulls him towards her.

Moreover, Akane's feelings towards Aqua seem to be a mix of wanting to help him, feeling sorry for him, and a tender affection, wishing he wouldn't be sad.

Kana's feelings towards Aqua, on the other hand, are the kind that make her happy and excited. Seeing Aqua lifts her spirits and energizes her. This greatly affects her condition—when Aqua responds to her, Kana can perform at more than 200%, but when their relationship isn't going well, she drops to below 70%, becoming subdued and deflated. Acting is her main job, so she'll perform regardless of Aqua, but when it comes to her idol work, which she started because of Aqua, the fluctuations are much more pronounced.

I think Aqua's main feeling towards Akane is gratitude. If I were to classify it as a type of love, it would be more like storge or pragma, a comradely affection accompanied by a sense of stability. He sees her as someone who understands the difficult parts of himself that he finds hard to express to others.

Aqua's feelings towards Kana, on the other hand, are romantic. If we were to classify it, it would be eros or philia—love that makes his heart race. The reason I felt it would be hard for this character to end up with Akane is that he has never shown any romantic excitement towards her. On the other hand, he's shown this a lot towards Kana throughout the manga, consistently. If Akane provides stable support, Kana's actions have a significant impact on Aqua. Kana is the one who shakes Aqua, making it clear that "Aqua likes her." Aqua is usually a very subdued character, but Kana stirs him up, provoking meaningful reactions and lifting his spirits. Whenever this happens, Aqua is a bit surprised and troubled, wondering why he's feeling this way, but he definitely becomes brighter.

I believe this would be similar to his biological father. Actually, Aqua has never once been distracted. He is clear about who he likes, and this consistency makes it hard to call him a playboy, even if he might seem like a bad boy.

Hikaru probably liked Ai and only Ai. There's little room for doubt about that. Even if he dated someone else, his heart was with Ai, which would have left the other person feeling very hurt (similar to how Aqua was with Akane). That's the type he is.

Speaking of which, I think Aqua and Akane might have ended up together if Akane hadn't taken a knife and tried to find Hikaru. Storge-pragmatic love is still love, even if it doesn't have the thrill. Being with someone can feel comfortable and stable, bringing peace of mind. That's a feeling usually found in couples who have been together for years. If nothing had happened and Aqua decided to focus on Akane and ignore Kana for a few years, it might have been possible.

However, Akane has an unusually strong desire to protect Aqua, which sometimes makes her overly intrusive into his personal space. It's not that her character is bad, but this is the opposite of Kana...

Unfortunately, Kana hasn't had many opportunities to deeply understand Aqua, while Akane goes in too deep. That's probably why it's hard for me to fully attach myself to her character. She's skilled at profiling and understanding others, but it feels like she's crossing a delicate line—almost rude, even if it's out of affection. Her character is kind. But, as someone who analyzes characters, I find that dissecting someone's personal life and then acting based on those assumptions, before they've said anything, can be really touchy and intrusive. It's more considerate to wait until the person opens up to you. Akane, however, strongly believes in what she perceives, which is why she took up the knife for Aqua. She saw something so clearly, but the problem was that Aqua didn't want her to go that far. That's why things didn't work out.

I understand where she's coming from. Akane is very sensitive and perceptive. When it comes to characters, analyzing deeply doesn't hurt anyone, so I can comment on them. But with real people, even if I notice something, I can't act on it with such certainty. It's important to experience things directly and listen to what the other person wants. Akane's confidence in her perceptions led her to act, thinking it was the right thing to do for Aqua. However, Aqua didn't want her to take such extreme measures, and that's why it didn't work out.

Watching today's episode gave me some insights. It seems that Akane's feelings for Aqua are indeed love, but they also resemble a maternal kind of love, wanting to protect and support him. Saying "I'm on your side no matter what you do" is something a deeply loving partner might say, but Akane and Aqua aren't at that level in their relationship yet, even if they have mutual affection. At this stage, such words seem to stem more from a sisterly or motherly instinct to protect rather than romantic love.

So, it struck me that Ai's feelings for Hikaru are essentially a combination of Akane's feelings for Aqua and Kana's feelings for Aqua.

To add, Ai's influence on Hikaru is similar to the combined influence of Akane and Kana on Aqua.

In the current movie arc, the emotional aspects of Akane-Aqua and Ai-Hikaru relationships seem very similar. Ai was a source of protection for Hikaru, someone he could turn to in times of great distress. When they were dating, Hikaru genuinely loved Ai and saw her as his only understanding companion. Their relationship was one of emotional support.

Ai wanted to share Hikaru's burdens, and it seems they might have even lived together for a while (in chapters 153-154, Ai packs her belongings, including a toothbrush, to leave. The fact that she could fit everything into a small bag and leave in such a sudden manner feels very real;; This must have been devastating for Hikaru, as it signaled the end of their relationship, she didn't even leave so much behind). To Hikaru, Ai was a refuge, and Ai wanted to provide that for him.

However, their relationship wasn't just about emotional support. The excitement and "I'm in love" feelings that Kana has for Aqua seem to echo in Ai's recorded videos.

Scenes of Hikaru and Ai dating or kissing are said to be fictional and Hikaru himself claims they are fictional. However, if we compare these scenes to Aqua's relationships, they resemble his interactions with Kana (and these emotions are typically found in romantic relationships, which is why I think Aqua and Kana will end up together). While they might be labeled as fiction, Aqua's immediate rebuttal suggests that, although not exact replicas, these scenes are likely rooted in truth.

I feel that the Akane-Aqua relationship has already reached a certain conclusion (I think these two will remain partners and good friends).

What's still unresolved is the Kana-Aqua relationship. The theme here is that while Akane was the one supporting Aqua, Kana is the one pulling Aqua towards her, bringing him into the light. I think this is the significance of Kana's role in the story. Just meeting Kana brings Aqua to life (honestly, this alone makes me think that Aqua would be happy with her).

I believe that ultimately, this is also what Ai wanted to do for Hikaru. She wanted to support him, share his burdens, and then, move forward to live a future together with him.

The fact that such words could be said about Hikaru shows how much Ai cared for him when they were together. A few paragraphs up, I mentioned Kana's excitement towards Aqua.

Actually, Ai's character is rather indifferent. She's cute and pretty, but Ai rarely shows genuine emotion, even when smiling. Hikaru even thought that Ai never loved him, just like everyone else. Even though they had two children together, he still wasn't sure if he was loved.

But Ai says that Hikaru was the first person she ever wanted to love. This is significant. When Kaburagi explained the moment Ai fell in love, Ai's face showed a blush and an expression of infatuation, which was really how she felt about Hikaru. This wasn't well depicted in the movie arc (I think it's because of the idea that Hikaru thought he was relying on Ai had to be convincingly portrayed. That's why it was handled this way). I think there's a chance this might come out more clearly as the Kana-Aqua relationship develops. I was cautious about whether Ai truly loved Hikaru because her feelings towards him seemed similar to Akane's feelings towards Aqua, which is a form of love but not quite the romantic, heart-fluttering kind between lovers. However, after watching the video, I understood. Ai really liked him. Romantically.

Both Ai and Hikaru must have had the same kind of love that Aqua and Kana share.

The emotional trajectory of Aqua and Kana is moving towards the brighter side together.

Ai probably wanted to give that to Hikaru. She wanted to take him, who was wandering in the dark, and bring him into the light where she was.

But she couldn't do that before.

The reason Kana's turn comes at the end is because of this. I believe Kana represents light and the future, and moving towards that direction would conclude the story.

It reminds me of Death Note. Everyone knows that L is far superior to Near and Mello. But Near says that combining his and Mello's abilities could surpass L.

Akane and Kana individually might not surpass Ai's abilities. But if they combine their strengths, the outcome for Aqua could be better than what Ai achieved for Hikaru.

The relationship dynamics for this comic are set up incredibly well. This is truly well done.

And I think Ai didn't give up on Hikaru. Something Ai left behind will likely offer redemption for Hikaru. It's like accomplishing something with the main characters that she wanted to do but couldn't as a child...

Additionally, as I mentioned before when analyzing Kamiki, Ai was an immensely significant presence for this character. Hikaru was originally a person who lacked love, and Ai gave him almost all the love he longed for. He couldn't help but love her. Look at what he says about Ai in chapters 153 and 154. He loved her enough to sacrifice his life for her—I've always thought this line was crucial. When would he have risked his life? He also said he genuinely loved her from the bottom of his heart.

Those words have to be true. Seeing his reaction after watching the video, I'm sure of it. I think there's a high probability that he never tried to harm Ai. I'll estimate about 70%.

Losing someone like that? The reaction should be something like Mephisto or Fatal. He would definitely be capable of doing anything for her sake. Such a strong feeling towards someone would lead to that.

And Ai really did like him.

I believe Ai will ultimately get everything she wished for because she's ambitious :) I think the true essence or the final impact of the song "Idol" hasn't come out yet. I believe that song will encompass everything until the end of this story. It seems like it was made with the ending in mind.

I'm looking forward to it~

[idyllic-affections]

What if Kaveh's child became a talented sculptor/painter like in their teens? Say like 15 or so? Idk. That second part got me thinking so much abt them just tugging Kaveh by the arm to their next project like "OMG YOURE GONNA LOVE THIS ONE IM SO PROUD OF IT SPGUEJGEJLVWLHELHEJ"

artistic inclination.

summary. what if kaveh's child was artistically inclined?

trigger & content warnings. none applicable.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. fluff. adoptive dad!kaveh & reader. 0.5k words. they/them pronouns used for reader. this post is an expansion of what if kaveh adopted a child? author's thoughts. GOD YOURE SO RIGHT ANON I LOVE THIS IDEA ITS SO CUTE..... guys. i BEG of you. please send me asks like this. i adore when this happens. getting asks about any of my ongoing series is an absolute delight. requests are always always always welcome, but this kind of ask? this kind of ask is my favorite type fr <3

kaveh's kid does absolutely end up being good with their hands, whether that's because of the time they spent with the forest rangers or simply because they lean in favor of artistic hobbies, and kaveh himself? he is overjoyed. the fact that [name], his [name], seems to have some inherent inclination towards the arts... archons. he loves that about them. it's like they were always meant to be his child.

he loves that his kid's first instinct is to run to him when they have a sort of creative breakthrough. he loves that their first instinct is to tug him by the arm and show him what they've made, even if there's still wet paint or clay on their hands because really, it's just a shirt. it can be washed. stains are just stains. he honestly understands on a very personal level; he gets paint all over himself, too. things happen.

it's worth it in the end, because he just loves them so dearly. their joy is his joy. their sorrow is his sorrow. their feelings are his. he resonates so deeply with the emotions of everyone around him, so you had better believe that his empathy increases tenfold for his own kid. he feels their feelings as if they were his own.

he understands their joy beyond the influence of his empathy, though. as an artist himself... he's so unbelievably honored that their first instinct is to share their work with him.

art is like a little window inside the artist's mind. the things they create give their father a deeper understanding of who they are, how they think, how they feel, why they think and feel that way. an artist sharing their work is an earnest display of vulnerability.

kaveh is so enamored with the way they are so willing, so eager to be vulnerable with him in such a sensitive way, especially in their teen years. he's heard a lot of things about raising teens; teens are supposed to be... difficult, aren't they? however, [name] just isn't difficult in the slightest.

...

well, children tend to be a reflection of the parent(s) they are raised by. [name] can be sassy and sarcastic, courtesy of tighnari and alhaitham's influence, but... they aren't difficult. they are kind and emotionally aware and warm and gentle.

overall, kaveh and his little co-parenting friend group did very well raising [name].

"baba, come look! i finished that project i was telling you about. it took me a while, but i finally did it!"

this happens multiple times on many different occasions, but kaveh's reaction never becomes any less enthusiastic. it doesn't matter what may be occupying his mind at that moment. he treasures their openness and could never so much as imagine disregarding their joy in moments like that. he always replies with a smile, wiping away a little bit of semi-wet paint that somehow ended up on their cheek.

kaveh only ends up smearing it more, but the gesture is sweet and appreciated nonetheless.

"ah, really?! i'm so proud of you. i know it can be hard sometimes. let me see what you've made this time."

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

[rambleonwaywardson]

I didn’t expect the delicious morsel of your space boys today 😭 Bucky you sweet dork making Gale roll his eyes and blush omg I adore them so much! It really is 10/10 💖

I do have a question, that might be addressed in the epilogue maybe? But I gotta ask it now because I can’t stop thinking about your boys. I feel that they are already suffering from PTSD but I was thinking about going into space, would John actually be able to go through it again? Would Gale be able to do it? And I know Bucky laughed it off with that reporter but would he really be able to watch Gale go to the moon without panicking?

Hi hello. I’ve been thinking about this ask for days thank you (legitimately). Long response incoming.

I don’t expect this will be addressed much in the epilogue based on the timeline I’m planning. However, if I get my shit together and do what I want to do to extend this universe, it’ll come up eventually!

You’re right, this experience was very traumatic. I would not say they’re already suffering from PTSD in a clinical sense, but they are currently struggling to work through what happened and what is still very much happening, and there is of course a lot of room for PTSD to more fully develop. So how does that affect their future careers?

In terms of Artemis 4, I don’t think Gale will have too much mental/emotional difficulty. As they say, they know the risks. Yes, this was extremely traumatic, and it’s hard to work through in many ways, but as Bucky says in chapter 19, the thing that went wrong was small, a freak accident, wrong place wrong time. There are about a million risks like that on every space mission that they train for and anticipate but try not to fear. This is what John and Gale were metaphorically bred for, and even though it may be more difficult mentally than before, this is who they are. They’re not giving it up, and I’ll be damned if I don’t give Gale a good mission 🥺

(Also, they WILL be undergoing extensive counseling leading up to A4 trust me!!!)

I think Bucky, ultimately, will have more difficulty during Artemis 4 than Gale will. As you kind of implied, he’s now in the place of worrying about his husband from the ground, unable to intervene should something go wrong. That will likely be very difficult for him no matter how much faith he puts in his husband… (more on that, potentially, eventually…)

As for another mission for Bucky. Ugh. That’s harder to think about. It is highly unlikely that, even at peak physical and mental health, he would be selected for an additional moon mission any time in the near future (though never say never I suppose?). He fully believes that he wants to go back, that he could handle going back, but psychologically, that may be in part because he doesn’t think he ever will actually get to. He lived his dream. Before it went to hell, it was everything he wanted it to be. Let him romanticize that.

That being said, he’s still a professional astronaut. It’s what he loves to do.

I think there is at least a chance he could go back to the station after a lot of healing and therapy. The ISS is very different from Artemis in so many ways, beginning with the fact that it’s far more predictable and ending with the fact that it only takes a few hours to get back to Earth from there. Bucky’s spent quite a lot of time up there before. It’s something he knows, is familiar with, is good at. I think, mentally, that would be a very different experience from being on the moon, and it would remain a possibility for his future.

Okay. I’ve put a lot of thought into this. I’ll continue to put a lot of thought into this. And you can probably tell that I’m working through what I believe would be realistic not only for Buck and Bucky, but for modern, more emotionally regulated versions of them. And what I think is reasonable for addressing their emotional struggle while also maintaining the careers they love.

It’s not an easy problem to solve, and there’s a lot of ways it could go. Thank you so much for giving me this space to think about it ❤️

[tomorrowxtogether]

BEOMGYU: “We’re a team, so I want to work together to make it happen”

TOMORROW X TOGETHER The Name Chapter: FREEFALL comeback interview

2023.10.27

Eight months earlier, BEOMGYU told us he didn’t want to lose to himself. Now he says he’s found a way to persevere.

You mentioned you were very happy and healthy throughout the second tour.

BEOMGYU: I didn’t get bogged down by the fear of what happened that one time. I was determined to overcome it. I did plenty of preparing physically and mentally in order to avoid a repeat of last time and handled everything well. I envied the other members of the group during the last tour and was sad that I couldn’t fully enjoy the concert experience due to my physical condition. I put all my worries aside this time and just focused on performing and I was a lot happier.

Have you mastered how to handle yourself in the face of extremes and how to overcome them?

BEOMGYU: Even though it was tough, things still worked out in the end, so I thought, Everything’s fine—it’s not like I’m going to die. (laughs) I kept experimenting by trying different things to check if I still felt my best after. I tried not eating before concerts, drinking energy drinks some days, taking arginine on other days. In the end, I found it’s always best to eat and having one multivitamin is enough to give me energy without putting a strain on my body. It’s like I found my own personal winning formula. (laughs)

Have the positive emotions you experienced during the tour carried over to have an effect on your everyday life? You mentioned in a previous interview that you felt like you had attained spiritual enlightenment. (laughs)

BEOMGYU: I mean, I’m happy. (laughs) Not a lot has changed, but while I felt like I was in a sort of state of nirvana back then, now I feel like I’m taking care of what I have to do every single day and accepting things for what they are—just going with the flow. These days I keep thinking, even if I don’t understand something, it’ll all turn out okay in the end if I just go with the flow. At the end of the day, I’ll just go home and get some sleep. All things shall pass. And then I feel fine. There’s no reason to get all worked up about things and let them get to me.

I guess that’s what you meant when you said that—“all things shall pass”—during the tour, which turned out to be like a catchphrase for you.

BEOMGYU: Exactly. But I was trying to make myself believe that before and pushing myself, whereas now it’s how I really feel.

It seems like you’re continuing to live the life of an artist as you overcome those things that you feel you just aren’t naturally compatible with.

BEOMGYU: I was absolutely born for the stage, though. No matter how nervous I get, I always have a phenomenal time once I get on up there. But what I found emotionally draining once we got on tour was that every place in the world has different views and I had to learn to adjust quickly to those. That was a difficult process. Not to mention I became a lot more introverted after we debuted, so I found it really hard communicating with all those people while promoting internationally. The pressure from that kept weighing on me while we were touring. But we did similar promotions recently and I went out of my way this time to go up to people more and reacted to things in over-the-top ways despite my terrible English. (laughs) But it was pretty good. I think I’ve learned some ways to overcome things.

Have you also changed the way you recover and distribute your energy now that you’ve been to so many different environments?

BEOMGYU: That part’s still the same. I get in, drink some barley tea (laughs) and fall asleep watching Netflix. I’m the type to pour 100% of my energy into everything I do. I try to be as energetic as possible whether I’m on a variety show or performing on stage, so my batteries are always going from 100, down to 0, back to 100, to 0, and on and on. (laughs)

And the stages you performed on keep changing, too. There's something new to grasp and adjust to every time, so you must have to be hyper focused.

BEOMGYU: Interestingly, if you perform 30 times, you’d think it would be easier by the 30th time. But if you keep doing the same thing over and over? Then you actually start to mix things up. I don’t know if it has something to do with complacency, but I make mistakes more frequently as time goes on. So the more you go on, the more you have to really focus on each performance. The idea is to never mess up the parts that have changed or I’ve messed up once before, ever again.

It’s amazing how you took the most impressive moves in “Back for More” and made them that much better by putting your own spin on them.

BEOMGYU: I think I mentioned before that, when I first hear a song and see the choreography demo, I can picture things, like how to convey certain parts, or maybe if it would look cool if I looked away like this. It can be a little hard to explain because it’s all in my head. I thought a lot about the part in the chorus after the second verse where we jump up and whip our hands in particular to figure out how to make it look cooler.

And were you satisfied with what you landed on?

BEOMGYU: Yes! But I always end up liking what I do. (laughs) I’m really proud of it. (laughs)

You said before that you watched your old dance videos to prepare for the tour and that you found a lot of parts that weren’t up to your standards. Do you feel you improved while learning the single “Chasing That Feeling”?

BEOMGYU: I used to be obsessed with putting the maximum amount of energy into my dance moves. Then I got some messages from friends after the year-end awards shows, saying, “You were too intense. You should tone it down a bit.” I thought the best thing for those big performances was to put more and more energy into them, but lately I’m trying to dance in a more balanced and elegant way. The choreography for the new single isn’t that intensive, so I picked it up really quickly, but I know I have to practice how to express myself in a greater variety of ways. I always feel like, if I perform something live once, it’s a lot different from when I’m practicing to get the hang of it. I think it all becomes clear after performing it.

You struggled a bit singing the last album’s single because of the pronunciation. Did you face any similar challenges this time around?

BEOMGYU: There’s a line in the verse—“cheonguk-eul deungjin nan”—and to make that eu sound in the syllable deung, you have to narrow the inside of your mouth. I tried singing it 10 times, and missed the mark 10 times. But then, I once again attained enlightenment. (laughs) Now when I sing it, my voice never cracks. I figured out how to shape my mouth to pronounce it correctly and persevered. I wasn’t originally supposed to be the one to sing that part, but as soon as I heard the song, I said, “I have to be the one to do this! Can I? Please, just trust me. Give me a chance. I’ll make it work.” And I got the part. So I studied the part carefully to make sure I could get it done no matter what.

Songs that align with your vibe, like “Deep Down” and “Skipping Stones,” really bring out what makes your voice so alluring.

BEOMGYU: I’m especially fond of “Skipping Stones,” and most of the other songs off the album are all in genres and styles I like, so it was really fun to record the vocals. Sometimes I’ve done things where I thought, This doesn’t really let me show off my vocals, but I think the new album let me sing in a way that’s closest to my natural voice.

Are there also songs you helped write the lyrics to that you find easier to get into since they’re in your style?

BEOMGYU: The songs I find the easiest to get into are those where the emotions are most realistic and I can be honest about my feelings. For example, thanks to my own personal experiences, I can take on topics like liking someone or dealing with difficult emotions and add my own personal touch to them. But songs that are like The Star Seekers are written to conform perfectly to a theme. Was that a really T thing to say? (laughs) To be honest, I feel like I’ve already said everything I have to say about seeking stars, going through hardship, and growing up on repeat. (laughs) But I really liked writing “Blue Spring” since it’s truly about us.

You also produced that song. How did that go?

BEOMGYU: I pictured people singing along to it right from the outset, so I purposely gave it simple chords when starting out. There’s three or so songs I made while just playing around on guitar at home. We spent hours poring over chords in the studio, too, but I ultimately chose the track I made at home. “Maze in the Mirror” and “Blue Spring” are both about how I felt before and after knowing MOA. As you know, we went through a lot of hardship, and now we’re out there singing for all of them. I remember how hard those chilly blue days were, but I also know how happy I am now, so the song really tugs at my heartstrings. I have to hold back my tears whenever we sing the line, “No one knows about that winter,” in concert.

You’ve seen MOA as your best friend for a long time now, but when I watch your most recent Weverse Lives, I get the feeling that you want to have an emotionally closer relationship with them based on how you keep your streams laid-back.

BEOMGYU: I think it’s better to be natural and keep it real when I do Lives by myself than to be TOMORROW X TOGETHER’s very own BEOMGYU. Sometimes I just, you know, put my phone down next to me with music playing like a radio or something, lie down, and start talking. All I want from my relationship with MOA is to have honest, human conversations—not artist-to-fan conversations, but casual, natural conversations.

It's a dead giveaway that you’re looking to have a genuine relationship with them when you let MOA listen in on your phone conversation with your mom in the middle of a Live. (laughs)

BEOMGYU: I want to show them how I really live. (laughs) I can show MOA the kind of chemistry I have with other people. I’m always quick to call my mom when the other members pull a “Tallulah” on me. I don’t like that my mom doesn’t take my side, but I know she’s just having fun. (laughs)

TAEHYUN once said you have a knack where “he can talk and everyone would not find him annoying.” It seems to me like you already know the others will still find you cute no matter what kind of annoying jokes you play.

BEOMGYU: I’m good at walking that tightrope. (laughs) I was born with it. (laughs) I’m always messing around with SOOBIN, too, but if I think he’s being serious, I back off right away. I can usually tell how someone’s feeling just by the look in their eyes, so I intuitively keep my balance while walking that tightrope. (laughs)

What are you like when you’re with your family? It seems like your dad really means a lot to you, seeing as, when you were asked if you could live as someone else for a day, who would it be, you answered, “my dad.”

BEOMGYU: I’m better behaved when I’m with my family, and I like chatting with my mom and dad. We can talk for hours when we talk about the things they want to know about me, things I want to know about them—that kind of stuff. Like I always say, if I ever become a dad, I want to be just like mine. He’s considerate, and he and my mom are still like a new couple. They’re so cool. I even told that to my dad recently and he said, “Thank you for being my son and for growing up into a wonderful young man.” We still say “I love you” to each other. Our family’s full of love. (laughs)

I remember you said that you kept looking for MOA and their dads watching your concerts together.

BEOMGYU: Most likely those dads were there because their daughters or sons like us and they tagged along. I thought it was really cool that they were right there with them having a good time. I spent a lot of time with my dad when I was younger, too. One time I woke up at three in the morning and went all the way out to Taebaek with him to watch motor racing, and we would play soccer or baseball together before school. It’s experiences like that that let me know how good those memories are going to be for MOA when they look back on them someday.

You’ve said the other members of the group are like a second family to you. It was especially touching when you were nervous before going on stage and you said, “When I’m with the other members, I’m not worried.”

BEOMGYU: I was actually three times as nervous for our performance at the MTV Video Music Awards than any other concert. My heart wasn’t going ba-bum, ba-bum—it was going babumbabumbabumbabum. But right before we got on stage, we put our hands all together and yelled, “Fighting!” And then we hugged each other. That really brought me comfort. The other members are the only ones I can lean on whenever I find myself in that kind of unfamiliar, difficult environment. When I see one of them having a hard time, I feel like I should put my own problems aside for a while and work harder for their sake. And I think that’s all possible because we’re a family.

Is that also why you decided to work together to reach the very top, like YEONJUN and TAEHYUN talked about on SUCHWITA?

BEOMGYU: I had a really hard time during and after our first world tour, and I was certain that, unless I’m healthy, there would be no point in making it to the top. I was firm about that. So if I’m being honest, I felt pressure because of YEONJUN and TAEHYUN’s vision. I’m the kind of person who strives for happiness in his everyday life, but they said they feel like making it to the top is what would make them feel happy. What could I do? We’re a team, after all. We work together for the sake of each other’s happiness. I thought it over and said, We’re a team, so I want to work together to make it happen. If that’s what everyone wants, I’ll work hard alongside you. Let’s put in the effort and make it to the top.

That makes me think of how you made a point to say you like movies to have a happy ending no matter what.

BEOMGYU: I don’t like when they’re left open-ended, and I can’t stand sad endings. I get completely absorbed in the plot of movies and all the emotions there when I watch them, so it feels like I am the main character. I root for that character with all I’ve got and hope they’re happy ever after.

And you see the happy ending you wished for in your future, don’t you?

BEOMGYU: It certainly feels like I’m moving towards it. (laughs)

[eelfuneral]

Some of the discussion that happens within the Star Wars fandom, particularly discussion of the Jedi, can be really upsetting to observe if you have certain disabilities. In fact, I’m having a hard time even liking the Jedi right now because I can’t help but associate them with some really ableist takes that I’ve seen in their defense.

Let me explain: a lot of people with certain disabilities (such as autism, ADHD, bipolar disorder, and C-PTSD) deal with something called emotion dysregulation, which means that you feel emotions more intensely than the average person and that this strong emotional state sticks around for far longer than it should. When you have emotional regulation issues, an event that might make somebody else a bit sad or mildly frustrated has the ability to put you out of commission for hours or even an entire day. Emotion dysregulation is very stigmatized, even in people who go out of their way to avoid harming people or lashing out while dealing with an episode. People with this specific issue are often told that they are “dramatic”, “attention seeking”, or “future abusers” for what amounts to an automatic emotional response that a person cannot control. This constant pushback forms a metaphorical blister that can easily be popped back open when you see anything that reminds you of what caused it in the first place.

Now, let’s move on to the Jedi. While it can be argued that their teachings were intended to instruct people to reign in their BEHAVIOR as a result of their emotions, several lines in the fist six movies sound an awful lot like they are condemning having negative emotions at all. Yoda literally tells both Luke and Anakin that emotions like fear and anger BY THEMSELVES are of the Dark Side, and these lines were very difficult for a lot of people who have dealt with trauma, neurodivergence, or other issues that cause “big emotions”. These lines, intentionally or not, mirror a lot of the things that real people have said to those of us dealing with emotion dysregulation, and people have every right to talk about this in their own spaces unmolested.

Some of the defenses of the Jedi in the context of how they are instructed to deal with their emotions come off as dismissive at best and ableist at worst. Yes, if you dig through Star Wars canon enough, you can find portrayals of the Jedi and emotions that point to a more nuanced view where choices and actions are the source of evil rather than the emotions, but this does not change the fact that the Yoda lines and other emotionally repressive applications of the Jedi Code very much exist in parts of canon. A person who found the emotionally repressive variant of Jedi teachings to be upsetting due to a disability will likely feel as though you are trying to dismiss their feelings and belittle them if you “correct” them for “misinterpretation of the Jedi”. I get that it sucks to see people bash your blorbos, but if someone is doing it because they are dealing with something IRL like trauma or ableism, then it’s best not to engage and just let that person work through it.

I have also seen people who are defending the Jedi make statements that outright attack people for having intense emotions. I remember a take that basically said that you were a baby or a psychopath if you found the Jedi code regarding emotions to be “too hard”. I’ve seen people dismiss the trauma that Anakin went through and its possible effect on how he reacted to some aspects of the Jedi order in a way that mirrors the invalidation that those of us with emotional regulation issues have experienced for being “too much” for all of our lives. Yes, it is important to avoid harming others when you are in a bad place, and no Anakin was not a great person, but so many of these takes are devoid enough of nuance that they read as if they are just trashing people who have “too many”emotions.

Feel free to defend your favorite characters all that you would like, but please spare a thought for those of us who might not dig everything about them for reasons connected to disability and trauma. The Jedi aren’t real, but we very much are.

[temnurus]

Recent Wangxian Faves

It's been a while since I compiled a general rec list, & I've read a metric ton of fics already this year. Here are ten of my more recently read favorites, some of which I've even read twice already because they were just that good! Y'all know the drill with me and smutty fics, so I hope no one is surprised when all of these are rated Explicit, haha. Sex isn't the theme of all of them, certainly, but it is present in all of them to some degree. Please note that these are listed in no particular order. Now, without further ado, onto the recs!

heart notes by spookykingdomstarlight (E, 92,632)

Thoughts: This fic had the most unique jobs for them that I think I’ve seen yet, & it was wild how well suited they turned out to be. Lan Zhan as a perfumer is one of my new favorite things that I never knew I needed, but here we are. The regret hung so heavy throughout most of this fic, & my heart ached for both of them. As hard as I typically find break up & make up fics to read, this one was 100% worth the angst. The love that went into writing it was so obvious, & it was just beautiful. I reveled in Lan Zhan being a master of his craft, & Wei Ying wanting so badly to help him when he was in trouble & ultimately became his champion when he so desperately needed one brought me to tears. Read this. Plainly put, it’s a masterpiece, & I loved it so much.

as the sun will rise by vespertineflora (E, 125,858)

Thoughts: This fic rocketed into my top five the instant I finished it. Probably even before that, to be completely honest. I love Beauty & the Beast AUs, which this was even though the author just used the Fairy Tale AU tag instead of being more specific. There aren’t really tentacles, but it was fair to include the tags for comparison because the vines work the same way, basically. Well, minus ejaculation. The only one doing that until near the end of the fic is Wei Ying, not that anyone’s complaining, haha.

Do mind the tags because this did get a bit emotionally heavy, particularly if you’re sensitive to Major Character Injury. I thoroughly enjoyed Wei Ying & Lhan Zhan’s characterizations & their dynamic. The writing was superb, & there was an engaging & interesting plot besides the titillating monster-fucking going on. I’ve pretty much read this twice already, & I have zero doubts there are many more rereads in my future. I sincerely urge anyone to give this one a try. It was so, so good!

you'll always know me by anaphoricae (E, 127,006)

Thoughts: Oh, this was so, so good. I’m a delicate flower who wilts during break up & make up fics, & this one was no exception to that rule. It was so gorgeous though. We got glimpses into their past throughout the nonlinear narrative & got to see each of their points of view at different parts of the story. I was particularly enamoured of Lan Zhan’s side of things, but that isn’t too surprising at this point because his pining for Wei Ying is always so relateable to me, ha.

And on that note, his pain was excruciating & deeply felt during the parts that covered their separation. I cried more than once as a result. The awkwardness & tension of their reunion quickly gave way to the magnetic pull between them, & I was practically glued to my seat until I finished this fic. The feelings were all so intense, & I loved every minute of it. Highly, highly recommend it.

Cloud Nine by mssdare (E, 80,064)

Thoughts: I loveloveloved this! I’d seen Wei Ying as a YouTuber before but not Lan Zhan, so it was a very neat thing to see him doing. I didn’t think it would suit him at first, but the author made it work perfectly. The tags were heavy, but the fic was mostly about the aftermath of Wei Ying’s mental breakdown when he came out of treatment & was trying to adjust to life in the real world again. I felt for him so strongly in this, & I appreciated the author’s respectful but unvarnished depiction of living with mental illness, including the often difficult time one can have dealing with the side effects of medication.

All the people who cared about Wei Ying touched my heart in this fic, but of course Lan Zhan was his number one. Lan Zhan’s ASMR videos being so comforting to Wei Ying during his recovery made me want to cry, & the slow burn of their developing relationship was really beautiful, not to mention satisfying. It did of course earn the angst with a happy ending tag, but there wasn’t nearly as much angst as one might expect with the subjects the fic touched on, just in case that’s comforting for anyone.

With No Particular Affection by Chrononautical (E, 92,397)

Thoughts: I love me a good arranged marriage fic, & this one was particularly good for a modern day AU. The idea that Wei Ying must marry Lan Zhan in order to save his family’s business is admittedly a flimsy excuse, but who are we to complain when it gives us stories like this? I’m certainly not going to, haha. The misunderstanding in this one was agonizing due to an overheard conversation, & I literally wanted to cry whenever the title phrase popped up in the fic.

However, the author balanced it with adorable interactions between Wei Ying, A’Yuan, & Lan Zhan, particularly all the fantastic fluffy domesticity after their nuptials. It was definitely a bumpy road on their way to happiness, including some corporate espionage! This fic had a little bit of everything, & I enjoyed everything it had to give us, including a very satisfying (and happy!) ending.

Comfortable Silence by WritersBlock823 (E, 65,072)

Thoughts: Oh, this was such a satisfying read. It’s now easily one of my favorite college/university AUs. I loved the randomness of their first encounter & how it led to them becoming roommates. The angst surrounding Lan Zhan being deaf & how that affected his interpersonal relationships was handled with care & respect by the author, & Wei Ying respecting Lan Zhan’s autonomy & his thoughtfulness when it came to communication between them made me cry a couple times. They both had painful memories to work through, & those moments could be brutal & emotionally exhausting but in a cathartic way, at least in my opinion. The smut was super hot, & I was thrilled with their happy ending. They totally deserved it, but then they always do.

i'm the one for your fire by occultings (E, 42,931)

Thoughts: What can I say? This is yet another gem by occultings. It motivated me to watch the source material for the AU before I allowed myself to read the fic, & I’m so very glad I did. I would’ve enjoyed it without the context, but it undoubtedly let me enjoy the fic just that much more. The concept alone was enough to have me laughing, but the fic delivered on it even more. Lan Zhan’s thoughts were so compelling, particularly the dirty ones, but then again, I’m a huge pervert, so don’t mind me, haha. This fic was sexy & sweet & had a little bit of everything. I highly recommend it, as well as the BL drama/manga that inspired it.

Hanlong by Alexandra_Kreuz & micratus (E, 282,550)

Thoughts: This fic blew my fucking socks off. It was absolutely phenomenal. One of the best Modern Cultivation AUs I’ve read, & that’s saying something because there are some big contenders in that category. I found it very original while still having perfect characterization for all my favorite people. It even convinced me that Wen Ning & Xue Yang was a viable ship! (At least in a modern AU where XY isn’t the absolute worst, heh).

The slow burn was real, but it was so fun seeing everyone come together for the different lecture series held in rotating sect territories each year during their teens. The plot was superb, being both action packed, angsty as fuck, & full of the best romance on a low simmer until it finally flares into full on yearning in adulthood. I loved every single minute, & I very much hope you will, too.

backfire by spookykingdomstarlight (E, 115,570)

Thoughts: Please, please, please mind the tags. If any of them are triggers or squicks for you, I’d advise against this one. That said, I 100% loved it. No notes. The angst was heavy for sure, but the author’s notes clarified anything scary, & the major ouches were mostly off screen &/or not graphic.

Lan Zhan & Mo Xuanyu’s relationship was agonizing for me to read, but it was so obvious that Lan Zhan had been in love with Wei Ying all along (to everyone but Wei Ying, of course). I was glad Mo Xuanyu didn’t consider Lan Zhan’s feelings as infidelity even though Lan Zhan himself struggled with guilt over it. The author included the tag as a courtesy but clarified this in the author’s note. I can’t abide cheating, so I was grateful for it.

The slow burn was real, & I was mad with impatience by the time it actually got to any BDSM between Lan Zhan & Wei Ying. It was totally worth the wait, though. People who haven’t experienced spooky’s writing might be surprised by the depth of emotion in this work when it’s set in a world where BDSM roles are a biological trait, but I promise you this is a feature in ALL of their fics. They’re just saturated with feelings & absolutely gorgeously written. They’re my favorite Wangxian author for a reason, ha.

Caught in 4k series by KizuKatana (E, 184, 553)

Thoughts: This was brilliant & brutal at the same time. The sheer unfairness of the events surrounding Wei Ying’s expulsion from the Jiang sect was appalling. Yu Ziyuan was definitely villainized here, but it made sense & worked for the plot. It made me hate her even more than usual, but that was sort of the point, ha. Wen Qing was the real MVP with the way she went to bat for Wei Ying & basically adopted him into her family. It happened so naturally that no one even had time to question it or think about it too much. I loved his found family, as I always do.

Wei Ying & Lan Zhan butting heads so disastrously at first was rather dismaying after everything else Wei Ying had been through, but the way Lan Zhan fell for him so hard & so completely (as he tends to do, lol) more than made up for it. The social media aspects of this were both engaging & fun. I even enjoyed the extras, & sometimes I don’t bother reading those after a long fic if they don’t hook my interest with the summaries. I can’t recommend this highly enough. This author has quickly become one of my favorites.

[kinardsevan]

this was actually a Send Me Asks list I posted back in June, but I'm bored and want to answer these anyway sooooo. enjoy.

🫓 What is your most popular fic? -this really depends on which metric we base it on. hits: empty bones. comments: empty bones. kudos: the saboteur (in terms of WIPs and not one shots, aneurysm fic is first) bookmarks: it's gonna be alright (piece by piece) [aka aneurysm fic] that all said, these two get just about equal attention (which is why I love them both equally)

🥘 What category do most of your fics fall under? 😂😂😂😂😂 emotional angst, hurt/comfort. my friends have a lot to say about it too 😂😂😂😂

🍲 When did you start writing and why? literally as a little kid, because my mom told me about her writing poetry as a little kid and gaining recognition for it. i thought that was cool. given the fact that I'm now a published poet and have had a group exhibition, I'd say my artistry is paying off.

🍱 Do you read your own fics? yes and no? I don't read all of them, but with stories like aneurysm fic and empty bones (and a little bit the devil doesn't bargain), I need to refer back to them for information. Plus, I tend to write shit I end up being really proud of, and I like to read those scenes back to myself.

🍛 Have any comments, tags or reactions to one of your fics every made you laugh or cry or both? make me laugh? all the time. @im-turnip and @girlwonder-writes always entertain me with their responses. I haven't really ever had one that's made me cry, but every time I've gotten a review on Empty Bones (or Lost That War in the PLL fandom) about the way people could relate... I screenshot and save those babies as memories that someone else understands it too. Makes me feel less alone and more understood.

🍜 Do you ever feel pressured to write? fuck yes. I thrive off of positive reinforcement, and at one point last summer I was posting EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. Waking up to those reviews drove me to write even more. Now that I'm back in school and have less time to write, it's harder to generate content, but I still crave that attention. But even beyond that, I know there are people waiting to see what's going to happen (fun fact: you and I are going to find out together 😂), and I don't like the idea of letting them down.

🍠 How long does it take you to write one of your fics or a chapter/part? ....depends. if I have the time, an 8-10k chapter can be cranked out in about 3 days, sometimes less. For something with chapters the length of aneurysm fic (which started at 10k and now have some as long as 20k)....weeks? chapter 6 probably won't be done before November. Honestly it just depends on how much detail goes into one scene and how much I've mapped that dialogue out in my head.

🍢 Have you ever gotten hate on a fic? yes. not in the 911 fandom (yet...that i can remember lmao), but way back when I was a teenager writing in the tslotat fandom, I got it more than once.

🍣 What helps you focus or get in the mood to write? music. youtube videos. little 'what-if' scenarios.

🍥 What's your favorite fic you've written? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

DON'T ME PICK BETWEEN THE TWINS, OK?

Ok ok, though... it's empty bones. BUT. It's my heart and soul and I just... you know?

But also, it's aneurysm fic, because of the level of work and research and it's my little baby and and and. So.... you know?

🥮 Do you have any writing milestones you're working toward? I know at the end of the summer I was closing in on like 400k on the year. I'd like to hit 5 and maybe even further. in the depths of my depression in 2013, when I quit writing, I'd done roughly 750k that year (for a fully calendar year), and there's something enticing about breaking that record, especially knowing my mind is in a completely different place these days.

🍡 Which of your fics was the most emotionally difficult to write? One Tear At A Time. I wrote that entire series off the heels of my friend dying when we were 21. I had a really hard time dealing with it, especially because I was living at home with unmedicated, severe depression and no prospects for my future. He was married, in the army, with a baby on the way. I used that story as a vehicle to really face my issues with the fact that I was angry about my own situation and also talk about what it's like to lose someone you were once in love with at such a young age, but I still cried while working on it.

🍘 Is there a fic or idea for a fic that you've abandoned? oh absolutely. 40 Days was supposed to be a 4 story arc. I wrote two of them and started the third....and then fell off hard.

in terms of what I'm working on now.... I mean I still have my list of ideas. I wouldn't say I've abandoned anything newer, mostly that I'm just super busy and haven't found time to get back to them. even with Your Arson's Match, I know what happens next. I just have to get around to it 😂😂😂😂

🍙 Is there a fic you wish had gotten more attention? I mean selfishly I want them all to 😂😂😂 However, I realize that I write a particular brand of fic (angst) for a ship that, while it's doing well, isn't the #1 ship for its show. That all said... empty bones and aneurysm fic 😂😂😂😂😂😂

🍚 What genre do you have the toughest time writing? .... .... .... ( @girlwonder-writes no one asked you 😂😂😂) ...fluff.... LIFE IS PAINFUL OK. I NEED TO PROCESS THE ICK. 😂

[tooclosetothestaars]

My theory/analysis on Gregory House

I just finished the show the day before yesterday (it has left me destroyed and in severe emotional pain) and today I remembered a scene and I ended up doing a lot of analyzing and came up with a theory of my own on House. Keep in mind that this is just my theory, and since I'm rarely completely sure about anything, some of the things I say may be wrong or inaccurate, but I think I may be accurate overall. Fun fact, this is my first analysis/theory on a fictional character! Also, English isn't my first language so I apologize if it isn't advanced yet and if I make any mistakes. Let me know what you honestly think in the comments after reading, (like if I forgot to take anything into account or consideration) if you decide to!

So in season 6, episode 13 ("5 to 9") of House, M.D., Cuddy loses it with House and tells him that he doesn't care about his image or reputation (this is just part of what she said). This is the scene I remembered and I first started analyzing thinking that what she said isn't exactly true. I don't believe that House doesn't care about his image. When Cuddy said that, what she meant was what all of us mean when we use that word in the way that she did, she meant a positive image, and that is true, House doesn't care about a positive image, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about his image at all. House has a negative image/persona, and other than him just being the way he is due to multiple complicated reasons, he's also always trying to actively maintain and cultivate that image, even though deep inside he doesn't want to be the way that he is. Most of us have an image, a persona that we maintain that people know us by and for us it's a positive image that we try to maintain, but for House, it's his negative image. We care about our image and about messing up or looking bad, or showing our negative side, but House cares about maintaining his negative image and fears being open and vulnerable.

He has an image of being arrogant, sarcastic, rude, harsh, selfish, self-centered, misanthropic, etc etc because that's what he intentionally chooses to be because of complicated reasons that stem from his suffering, pain, and unresolved trauma, like to push people away and avoid forming genuine connections, to protect himself from potential hurt or disappointment, to maintain a sense of control of his life and relationships by keeping others at a distance, to protect himself from emotional vulnerability, expectations and responsibilities, etc. It's his defense mechanism. He fears getting hurt or disappointed, he fears openness and vulnerability, he fears letting people in and being emotionally unguarded. He keeps maintaining this image that he has because of these reasons and because it's also incredibly difficult for him to change, or even make the decision to change before trying to, due to several reasons.

House frequently says "people don't change", he doesn't believe people change in the first place, or he actually just tries to convince himself of that as a coping mechanism, until that scene in the finale where he says "I can change". He tries to convince himself that people don't change because if that is true, it means that he also won't and can't change, and therefore he doesn't have to try to or even make the decision to try. He doesn't have to try or decide to heal, grow, actively work on himself, and to take the steps essential to change, because that's what's difficult, that's what takes real work. Staying the same, being his usual self, the way that he is, is easier than deciding to and then actively trying to heal, grow, and become a healthy version of himself. So if that were the case, that people really don't change, he can just give up and not do the hard thing. It's a way for him to cope, to avoid. His resistance to change, despite wanting deep down to be different, and to be happy, is not only because of this, but also because he already has that negative image to maintain that people know him by.

It's also difficult for him to try to change because House doesn't really like change, which is mentioned in the show a few times. And it's because people already know him by the negative image he actively cultivates, they already know him as an asshole, as someone incredibly rude, arrogant, selfish, miserable, insensitive, unempathetic, and sarcastic (also extremely intelligent but that isn't really relevant here), etc, so it would be difficult and uncomfortable for him to start trying to be better than and different from that image, from his usual self with the people who know him, to try to change, just like it also is for many of us to try and be better than and/or different from our usual selves, the already 'normal'/positive image or persona we have and showcase, or to start trying to be our true, authentic selves.

Because that's how people see us, being better than that or worse, like showcasing a negative side/part, or being true and authentic, feels uncomfortable and difficult because we already have a certain image. We are already seen as a certain way by the people who know us or know about how we are, like our families/relatives, friends, colleagues, teachers, classmates, employees, or students, etc etc so being different from that (whether it's better or worse, and better can mean authentic), from our normal self in front of them feels uncomfortable and hard. It's the same for House, except for him it's not a normal/positive image like the rest of us that he finds difficult to change or be better than but a negative one.

House has good moments several times in the show where he shows kindness, where he shows empathy, vulnerability, some openness when it's needed. He has those rare moments where he acts 'out of character', where he acts differently from his usual self because it's needed, but then we see him go back to being his usual self, he goes back to maintaining that image he has. And in those moments we can also see that it's difficult and uncomfortable for him to be that way, to be different from how he always is, to show some vulnerability or empathy. And it's like that because he's always trying to protect himself, to guard himself emotionally by acting the way he does, so it's difficult and uncomfortable for him because he's doing the opposite of what he always does as defense mechanisms and it feels unfamiliar and different from how he usually acts, and because he's being so different from that image he always maintains.

Just because he has a good moment doesn't mean that he will start being that way all the time, that he will start changing. He goes back to his usual self again, his ways to avoid what he fears and to protect himself. We also have bad moments sometimes, moments where our negative side comes out, where we act out of character in front of the people who know us by the persona/image we maintain, or by our old self, but does that mean we begin to act that way from then on? No, most of us go back to being our usual, normal selves and maintaining that image. Some people actively try hard to maintain a very good and positive image, and when a negative side of them comes out in front of the people who know them by that image, they feel uncomfortable, because it's unfamiliar and so different from how they always try to be and from their image. It's like that for House except it's the opposite.

House also has one of his biggest issues, his leg. He has chronic leg pain and he's an addict which makes it even more difficult for him to change, heal, and grow as a person. Addiction can be incredibly hard to get out of, it is especially for House, and his initial reason for taking Vicodin was his immense leg pain, but then his addiction evolves into a complex physical, emotional, and psychological dependence. But as long as his leg pain is there, it's going to make it more difficult for him to get out of his addiction than if he was only dependant on it emotionally and psychologically, or reduce his dosage, which makes it difficult for him to change.

It's also difficult for so many of us to change, for House to change, because of unresolved trauma, pain, and suffering. House's trauma, pain, and emotional scars, his unhealed parts, are a big contributing factor to his resistance to change (among the multiple complex ones). Those are the things that created his defense mechanisms and unhealthy coping strategies, those things are why he is the way he is. All his past childhood experiences have shaped him, just like all of our past childhood experiences have shaped us, and they are the reasons why he is the way he is today and why it's so difficult for him to change. If he doesn't heal from his trauma and pain first, if he doesn't get the help he so desperately needs, how is he going to work on himself? How is he going to become a healthy version of himself? How is he just going to grow, change, and be better? He needs to heal in order to change.

We are all products of our own environment and so is House. Many people go through bad, painful things and suffer but they remain 'good' people, they try to remain kind. Some people go through bad, painful things and they become cruel, harsh, or rude; their trauma/pain changes them in a bad way (not to say it also doesn't change people who remain 'good' in a bad way). House is one of those people (I know he's not real). But just because many people remain good and kind even after going through bad things and trauma, unlike others who don't, doesn't mean that they are healthy and healed. All of our experiences, our childhood, our past, our parents, our environment, everything we've seen, learnt, and been taught are all unique to us and shape us into the people we become. So there can be a lot of complex reasons for one person to remain "good", and for one person to become "bad" after going through trauma and/or suffering.

Most people are 'normal' and nice, like the other characters in the show, but that doesn't mean they are healthy and healed and only House isn't. Just because most of us or the other characters in the show are 'good' and 'normal', just because we try to maintain a positive image, just because we follow the rules and conform, just because we try to fit into society's expectations and standards, and House doesn't, doesn't mean we are all healed and healthy versions of ourselves and just House isn't. Being nice doesn't equate to being healthy/healed. Trying to maintain an image doesn't equate to being healthy/healed. Trying to fit into society's standards and expectations doesn't equate to being healthy/healed. While most of us and the characters in the show except for House may act 'normal' and be nice like everyone else, that doesn't mean we're all healthy and healed. Most of us have not yet become the healthy and healed version of ourselves, a lot of us are still unhealthy, still have unhealed parts. You can be nice and still be an unhealthy and unhealed person. House may be a very unhealthy character, but the other characters aren't all perfect because they act normal. Same goes for us, or real life people.

We can all relate to House on some level, because while we may not be exactly like him, we are also flawed like he is, a lot of us are still unhealthy versions of ourselves, like him. We are not perfect. We can relate to finding it difficult and uncomfortable to change and be 'better' (or 'worse') due to complicated reasons like House. So we can all actually relate to House somewhat, on some level, and understand him due to many reasons, even other than the ones I talked about.

Deep inside, House doesn't want to be the way that he is, he doesn't want to have these defense mechanisms, his unhealthy coping mechanisms, his addiction to/dependence on Vicodin, he doesn't want to push people away and avoid forming genuine connections or love people, he doesn't want to be so rude all the time, he doesn't want to never be vulnerable or express how he feels, express his pain, or never have someone who can help him and understand him. He doesn't want to be miserable and unhappy. He wants to find peace and be happy, he wants to stop being miserable and so lonely, he wants to form genuine connections, he wants a partner, he wants to change. He's just afraid. Afraid of losing his sense of identity, his sense of control of his life and relationships, confronting his own weaknesses, flaws, trauma, and issues, of emotional vulnerability, rejection, letting people in, forming a real romantic connection, being left, getting hurt, disappointed, and/or betrayed, etc.

So this is my theory/analysis and I've said all I wanted to. I know it's extremely long so if you've read this far, wow, thank you. You get cookies 🍪🍪🍪 Let me know what you think.

[aseriesofunfortunatejan]

Something that makes Fukawa even more relatable to me in Danganronpa Another Episode is her frustration that Komaru keeps saying "she can't do anything because she's just a normal girl, she's not great like her".

It seems obvious to the player that when Komaru says this, it's completely unfair: we know Fukawa to be a struggling mess. But what makes it clear is that Komaru already used this argument before she knew Fukawa was an Ultimate. It was never a fair comparison, it was never about being impressed that she's an Ultimate: she always used this as a tool to put herself down.

Komaru knows Fukawa has DID, she also knows she's deathly terrified of the dark. She sees her being messy in those moments. But it doesn't matter, because she's already decided that Fukawa is stronger than her.

This is something I always go through. For some reason, those around me, my friends, always decide that things are somehow easier for me. Oftentimes because I present myself as an emotionally mature individual, sometimes because there are specific things I'm good at (and as much as this sounds like nothing but a quality, it also happens to be a criterion for certain diagnoses - and "specific" bears a lot of the weight). My successes aren't because of my hard work, they're because I'm naturally good, naturally the smartest, naturally the strongest. Those sound so much like compliments they easily go unchecked, and yet, they're extremely dismissive of my reality.

On one hand because it doesn't matter how much I'm struggling, people will not help me because they think I have it figured out somehow. (Because I'm so smart and always in control.) On the other, my successes are turned against me - I can't support a friend going through something I have experience with "because they can't do these things, they were easy for me because I'm so smart and so strong, but they're normal so they can't." Which is completely untrue.

Which is extremely hurtful. Those times in my life I suffered immensely, I felt lost and alone, are dismissed as easy - for me, though. Not for them.

Those struggles I have that I work through, it turns out I supposedly don't really have, because it's easy for me to get through them - it's difficult for them, though.

It's frustrating. It's frustrating because people are refusing your help, it's frustrating because they're dismissing your struggles. The traumas I overcame are an important part of who I am, but this rhetoric dismisses them. The struggles I work through everyday are inherent to my experience, but to this rhetoric, they don't exist.

It's evident that Fukawa is traumatised and that she struggles everyday, but Komaru has convinced herself that still, she's fine. It's easy for her. She's hurting both herself and Fukawa in the process. This is very realistic and relatable. She thinks she's only putting herself down, but she's really dismissing the both of them.

To come back to the example of people putting themselves down, comparing themselves to abilities that I do have - re: the criterion for diagnosis - I'm still shaken by a time when a friend of mine, who had always talked about how much he wanted to organise his own RP, which I always said I wanted to be a part of, when he finally did, never told me about it. He organised and started it without telling me a word about it. I was so shocked, and so hurt, when he randomly brought up that they were midway through it, seemingly unaware that I would feel extremely rejected. I thought it meant he didn't like me. It turned out it was because he thought I was so good at writing that his story was beneath my level and it would be insulting to invite me to it. This friend of multiple years saw me as a good writer more than he saw me as a friend. It wasn't the compliment he thought it was. It's not like he engages actively with my writing either - it's a story he largely made up in his head, to put himself down, using a glimpse of my abilities as a tool. Now imagine if Fukawa finally made a friend who liked literature and writing, and they didn't invite her to their event.

[imashadowalker]

Fuck. Fuck.

Again. AGAIN.

On Friday October 16th, 2020, history and geography teacher Samuel Party, who taught in the suburbs of Paris, was assassinated by a radical islamist.

Today, on Friday October 13th, 2023, a professor was killed in the northern city of Arras in France. His name was Dominique Bernard, he was a French teacher. The profile of his killer is oddly similar to Samuel Paty's murderer. The main difference is that this French teacher was not specifically targeted. However, it seems the attacker actually was looking for a history and geography teacher (according to an interview on BFMTV related in an article of The Guardian).

Even without the similarities that are probably not completely coincidental, the timing of the attack is just... God. 3 years, nearly to the day. Some say it might also be linked to the current situation in Israel-Palestine, and while I have a hard time seeing a direct link, I can't deny it may have been a spark. (Some part of me can't help but wonder if there is also a linked with Friday November 13th, 2015.)

I just... Fuck. Samuel Paty's assassination affected me in the way that the previous islamist terrorist attacks in France (including those of 2015) just didn't. Part of it was probably because I was older and I actually let myself be affected instead of protecting myself by being emotionally distant. But the main reason is that I couldn't help thinking of the history teacher that I had when the 2015 attacks happened. I was thinking of all of my teachers, especially those I had admired and respected, and this one man in particular. I remembered the way he had talked about those attacks with us, the way he was always careful to be as neutral as possible while making us think, even debate. I remembered him teaching us, both years. I remembered feeling at 12 y.o. that I was finally learning and understanding the way the world around me worked. I remembered that he had been serious and yet fun, an authority figure yet someone that was friendly instead of distant. I remembered that he wanted us to learn, not just facts (though it is important to always have context) but also to think critically, to analyse, those skills that are so essentials for future citizens who will one day be called to cast their ballots.

And upon learning of the attack on Saturday 17th, I thought that instead of Samuel Paty, it could very well have been him.

God, there's a lot of problems with the education system in France. And the worst thing about that, is that teachers are not responsible for most of these problems, yet they're always the scapegoats for everyone's anger, and the ones expected to fix every single problem even though they really can't. Not every teacher is perfect or even good, far from it : but I have had good teachers. Every single year I had good teachers. Some were more memorable than others, more passionate or eccentric, more inspiring; but as a rule they were good, and I really respected them as people. In the end, I remember those good teachers much more than those who were not really fit to teach.

I respect them for being teachers, when they got so much shit from the students, the parents, and even their hierarchy. Today, anyone becoming a teacher in France is not in it for the lousy pay or the difficult work conditions : they become teachers because they actually want to teach. And as someone who chose not to go down that road because I never thought I was strong enough to deal with all that, I really admire all my classmates who do want to become teachers.

So I hate this. I hate that teachers are being targeted for doing their fucking job and teaching.

I'm French, damnit. And because my teachers were good, because the history teacher I had in 2015 was good, I trust the values I've been taught are ours. "Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité". Freedom of opinion, expression, press, association, consciousness, religion. Justice, tolerance. Democracy. The values and ideas of the Enlightenment which inspired the French Revolution. The light of knowledge and reason driving away the darkness of ignorance, prejudice and superstition.

Those are the ideas I trust, and school is not only any institution passing down those values, it also embodies many of them. As such, teachers, in particular history and geography teachers who are the ones tasked to teach about our history and values, are, in a way, a symbol; a living representation of those values.

So it's just horrifying that teachers have been targeted, when they're, in general, just good people doing a job disregarded by so many people, when they get so much shit from everyone and so little rewards.

I hate this.

[wingedshadowfan]

some basic ya/fantasy/romance tropes that fourth wing took a spin on, imo (spoilers)

-weak and dainty female character trope - while violet is physically smaller, weaker and gets injured easily, we find it's due to a disability she was born with and there are two main ways she goes about this: she trains hard to become stronger, wherever that's possible, and also uses disability aid (because isn't that what Tairn's saddle is? the shorter daggers too, to some extent) which i think is so important and much better than her refusing that aid/never getting it in the first place, she takes no shit from characters who look at her like there's something wrong with her but she also knows her own body and its limitations

-the demsel in distress female character trope (similar to the one above) - because of her physical disadvantage and her lack of preparation for the riders quadrant, violet gets saved/protected by others in many situations and even gets accused of "hiding behind strong men", but as the book - and her training - goes on, she begins to stand her ground more and more, earning herself the nickname "violence" and making up for any physical shortcomings with intelligence, stubbornness and fervor, hard work, skill and good character (the reason why tairn and andarna both chose her, the former giving her a crazy op signet), so much so that she ends up single-handedly offing the guy who accused her of not being able to defend herself

-the enemies to lovers trope - unpopular take but violet and xaden were never truly enemies! despite it being marketed that way. at least not on xaden's part - his dad didn't kill brennan and he's known this (him responding with "hardly" when she said they were even when they first met at parapet), we don't know if he knows this but while lilith did "catch" his dad, she was against forcing the rebellion children to watch the executions too. so violet basically started off as a nuisance to him (she was never strong enough to be a problem - he thought the parapet would end her for him if need be), after watching her for a while - seeing the mismatched boots, her collecting berries, flinging the daggers, choosing to keep his secret, poisoning people, defying all odds - he even made sure the other marked ones wouldn't try to kill her either, which he easily could've just stood aside and let happen, because she became interesting to him, again through intelligence, skill and kindness, and the (mutual) interest and attraction developed into feelings; on her part it was a bit more difficult because she knew less and felt like everyone was out to get her, her most trusted people had warned her about him so she naturally kept thinking he hated her and wanted her dead - but other than him moving her squad to fourth wing on parapet day he'd made no moves indicating he wanted to harm her and had consistently been helping her instead; they never hated each other personally because they didn't know each other and when they really got to know each other, they just found respect and admiration for the other

-the good guy/bad guy/good girl love triangle (though it's usually more of an angle or a choice the girl needs to make) - in the very very beginning i was rooting for dain because i love childhood friends to lovers and i thought running from the riders quadrant could be a turn the plot takes for violet, i also personally didn't see myself finding a guy who wanted me dead all that sexy (even less considering his dad killed my brother), especially when he's apparently a cold blooded murderer, emotionally unavailable and generally quite threatening, but i am well aware there's a specific demographic who would eat the dark moody ripped bad guy up and leave the "boring" soft cute nice good guy childhood friend in the dust - that's a trope i despise and i'm so glad that here a) violet fully acknowledges, despite being physically attracted to xaden, that he's toxic and she shouldn't like him because he can't meet her emotional needs. and i don't remember characters from other books with this trope being so delightfully intelligent and self-aware (which is important because otherwise you're basically selling young girls the idea that this is okay and that unavailable, dangerous, messy men are hot and you can fix them - violet doesn't even try to fix him, she sets a firm boundary and forces him to fix himself and get his shit together if he wants her!) and b) it turns out xaden and dain's roles are actually reversed, with dain being much more toxic, manipulative, hypocritical and crossing boundaries he shouldn't be, while xaden is more supportive, attentive and caring, protective but not coddling, and while he's not ready to admit a lot of things to himself just yet, he's got some self awareness going for him too and he's sworn to do better (so rare in such books)