#i worked late today so i dont have much energy to do as much detail with this one
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omchar · 7 months ago
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annnnndddd day 3!
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krs724490 · 28 days ago
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10/30/2024
is is still the 30th of october. I need to change into my pjs.... ok I've fully prepared for bed, took a shower and did the whole teeth routine. its weird to have enough energy and space to do that, which is sad. sad I haven't done it before. I've either been too exhausted or at grahams or just not in my right mind enough to give myself a proper cool down.
I love being here in my room. I love being just with myself. and yet I've observed ina's situation and I'm grateful I can see the extreme so that I dont tip too far in that direction. On the verge of turning 40 and feeling like you've tackled every individual pursuit and there's nothing left. Yearning to share it with someone. To do something that gives you purpose.
Today in small group I shared. I shared about how I love emotions. I dont want to achieve enlightenment because I genuinely like being here. How satisfying it is to feel. To be in touch with the depth of life without numbing or trying to skip over. I've never thought much about enlightenment because I dont want it. I want to be right here. I love here. I am so in love with here. Deeply and truly. Liam also shared about his struggle with feeling embodied. and molly and I could not relate to that. we can feel sensations and dissolve into ourselves. and I do wonder how that skill is cultivated. I simultaneously know it is a skill I can refine so so so much more. To get to know myself and my body intimately. To know what this flutter of the heart might indicate. or any of the other more subtle sensations. I crave to know myself in this way. To discover all my nooks and crannies. As I sat there I decided to sit there in my body and so there I was in my body. I could feel that I was there inside of myself. I can even close my eyes and do it now. I can can direct my energy into myself and feel my body. I feel so grounded. Even as I sat with Gabe and Gunner and did tarot tonight. I felt in my body. Super grounded and able to be skillful around what I was saying. So calm and observant. I am changing. I am changing so much. I also noticed in my meditations lately my chest has been coming forward and my shoulders falling back. This never used to be the case before, I tended to have my chest collapsing forward with my shoulders hunching in, making me feel like I needed to work on my upper back strength. However, now I see I just needed my confidence back or my heart to feel open. My chest is proud as I sit. Energetically so much has shifted. My energy feels homey, comforting, soft and warm.
I know that even if he were to come to me tomorrow and say lets try again. A big part of me would jump at it. Would fall into the trap. A large part of me reaches for him out of comfort and just wanting someone. The ego of wanting a partner everyone approves of. This is what would drive me back. It's hard to feel like I was the one who was more willing to make it work. I feel like he forced me out. He forced me to break up with him. Ultimately he was unwilling to say that he has trauma he needed and wanted to work through in order to make it work with me. and it seems like he doesn't have urgency around solving his problems the way I do. He did reflect back to me that it felt like I was always actively working on my problems, which is true. I think he resented this in me because he cannot do it himself. I have a thirst for life that cannot be quenched. I seriously want to seize everything all the time and he is opposite in that way. He just wants to sit. I appreciated that about him because I saw the way I needed to tap into that. But he resented me for the way I am or could not find appreciation for it although he said I inspired and motivated him. I feel like he just wanted me to be quiet about my discoveries. I keep getting into the nitty gritty which I find unhelpful gahh. The small details keep pulling me back in. I never cared about these things in my last break ups. I just called it all a wash. I wish I could do that here, but I am letting myself have my process.
Destinee summed it up best. It sounds like he did not want to intertwine his life with mine. When you have a partner who wants to be with you, they want to do that. I can see how he may have very much so intertwined his life with his ex's and maybe that's why he is hesitant to do it again. Either way its not my problem anymore. I have anger at the fact that his inability to look at himself is the reason our ship sunk. but regardless of him, this is the right move in the grand scheme of my life. energetically I've never felt better. I can see how god planted this perfectly. its so absolutely perfect. and yet I'm still grinding over the details a bit... maybe some more time and distance will make it so I'm not trying to figure out where it all went wrong. there is part of me that is trying to feel vindicated. but I know the mess of mixed emotions will not allow me to have a clear picture. and so I'm waiting for my body and mind to realize. I think I'm ok as a human being possibly could be. I have things I'm somewhat displeased about, but they exist in a system that has so much space for that and that cradles it all positively. and for that I am so insanely thankful to be in this exact space and time.
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blueempty · 11 months ago
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Oh yeah, its 4:30am alright
Listen kid, there's two ways to live ya life. You either post on your sky blog at 10pm because youre going to bed at 12am, or you post at demon hours because you decided it was your night to experience joy. I decided it was my night to draw
I've had big Fairune brain the past few days because I've been needing to finish the collection and I finally did. I found out there's a new one coming out this year and got excited until i saw it looks more like their games they made after Fairune which does not spark joy. I rememered having seen their game Kamiko on sale forever ago and liking the title screen art and then immediately nope'ing out when I saw what the game looked like. The old artist must've left or taken a dark path at some point because the Fairune 1 and 2 art is really really good, but then for Kamiko, Transiruby, and their slow life RPG thing I cant remember the name of, they switched to this generic early kickstarter era indie pixel art thing where the sprites legs are one pixel wide and they dont have enough frames of animation for how detailed they are and its just not great. Regardless, Kamiko is on sale on switch for $1.99 right now and I had 192 gold coins, so I bought it for 7 cents. I havent played much but uh, I wish that new Fairune was like the old ones lets just say that
I'm beginning to absolutely fucking love the PC88. The games EGG Console put out are all so fucked and jank but they arent unfun to play like bad NES or Genesis games. Silpheed is legitimately good, I'm talking more about Hydlide and Relics. I mention this because what made me play Fairune was that Hydlide wasnt on the switch lol. But I also just watched a video on Xanadu and like man. Like I dont think games should be that anti-player but literally zero games are released today that have that energy. Like imagine if the Marvelous guys were still making games like Chulip and Moon. Where theyre unbelievably charming and deep but they also fucking hate you and if you dont know all the enemies despawn if you kill them 3 times the game becomes incompletable. I guess Dark Souls 2 was like that
Anyways its my partners birthday tomorrow (cuz I havent slept yet tomorrow means friday) and were going to da zoo baybee, during a massive covid surge baybee, with non refundable tickets and N95s in our hands baybeeee. The event were going to starts late tho so I'll be fine on sleep. Lately I've been being a better employee and getting into work earlier, and actually doing my job for 7 hours than leaving and going to bed by 3am at the latest. Thats why most of my posts have been baffling or short, this shit sucks man. No time for Barony hat update. But I'm not working any extra days this weekend so i'm gonna eat all the hats that game has to offer soon
Peace and Long Life
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om-headcanon · 4 years ago
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☆ mc catching the obey me brothers crying
i believe its fair to assume mc has seen at least one of the boys cry. here is what i believe happened. (if you want me to do undateables, let me know! tw for low self worth, panic attacks, and survivors guilt/death mentions)
lucifer
without a doubt the most embarassed to be caught crying
he had just gotten into an argument with diavolo, and he questions his importance in diavolos life
he goes into the study to get some extra work done late at night to reassure himself he is useful
with all of the stress from the situation at hand and some stress from supporting the family on his back, he cant help but shed a few tears
all he wants to do is keep those around him happy and healthy... and it tears him apart when he cant
if i cant make the ones i love happy then... what can i do...
he doesnt notice your presence, as he has hands over his eyes and is breathing slowly in order to relax himself
you call out his name softly to get his attention
lucy jumps and tries wiping his eyes and playing it off as if he was never crying
you walk closer to him and he keeps inquiring if theres anything you need
you dont say anything, you just place your arms around him and hold him in a tight embrace
and he starts crying again on your shoulder... harder, this time. holding you tighter and closer in the embrace
because of his pride, its hard for him to admit what he needs the most: someone to show they care for him
mammon
mammon is the type to not cry often but when he does, its a lot
while his brothers dont really have bad intentions, the daily degradation they execute against mammon really gets to him
he can only put up his confident front for so long, and not long after a fight with asmo, it recedes
he lay on his bed sobbing heavily into a pillow to muffle the sound for nearly a full hour
his mind cant help but insist all the words his siblings tell him are true... and he wishes more than anything that you were there to tell him they werent
he looks up to the door every once in a while with blurry vision, mind convincing him theyre at the door, but you not being there makes him cry even harder
maybe they just think the same as the rest of my brothers
he hears the doorknob, but convinces himself its his mind again. ironically enough, this makes him cry even harder
except its actually you this time
you run over to his bed to sit down next to him and rub his back reassuringly, asking if hes alright
he jolts up, shocked youre actually here. he closes his mind and smiles sadly with a tear stained face
he pulls you into an embrace and whispers a soft thank you... your presence helps him more than you will ever know
you hold him for a few minutes and tell him how awesome the Great Mammon really is
leviathan
its been a long stressful day at rad, and he cant help but overthink every single action he has made
every single glance hes made, every single word hes said ... just everything
most days he would resort to playing a game or watching an anime he loves in attempt to distract himself, but other days its not that easy
he starts spiraling, thinking of not only everything hes done that day, but actions hes done in the past too
eventually hes past the point of no return, and starts having a panic attack
levi cant seem to catch his breath and with the thoughts still rushing through his head at full speed, he cant attempt to calm himself down
he envies those who dont feel the way he does right now because god, what he would do to not feel like this
you were just wondering why your gaming buddy hasnt come looking for you so naturally, you go to him
you knock on his door waiting for him to ask you for the entry code... but theres no response
you enter and are quite shocked to see levi shaking on his bed
this is familiar to you... whether youve had to guide a friend through a panic attack or have been through one yourself, you know what to do
you reassure him this will all pass and knowing how hard school is for him, you tell him he did well today
you get him to regulate his breathing and gain some composure
hes embarassed you had to see him like that... but he lets you know hes so thankful that you came to help him
satan
he just wants to be his own person but with how his life was set for him, its almost as if thats a tall order
its very rare he cries from happiness or anything like that, but sometimes he gets so sad that he gets angry... and then he cries a lot
no one dares to go near him like that
and that hurts him too... that nobody could or would ever dare to console him because they fear what hed do to them
he acknowledges this is a justified fear as he is after all the representation of wrath itself, but it still hurts nonetheless
belphie decided to poke fun and tease satan reminding him of how hes lucifers shadow
he didnt take it well... and retreated to his room to handle his emotions
he knew his family didnt want anything to do with him while he was angry... and that made him feel like a burden
but he grew used to everyone expecting he handle his emotions himself even if every once in a while he desired some reassurance
satan sat in a corner of his room crying to himself waiting for this to pass because he didnt believe anyone else would care to check on him
but you were curious as to why he wasnt in his usual 4 pm reading spot, so you decided to check his room
he was just sat completely still staring into the distance while tears fell down his face
he didnt even notice your presence until you sat down next to him
you didnt want to pry, so you just asked if he wanted to talk about it
he shook his head, laid on your shoulder, and just said “this is all i need”
asmodeus
ahh... while self love is so easy for him, self value isnt
its easy for him to believe people want to be around him solely with lustful intent rather than because they genuinely love him
he doesnt really believe anyone could ever love him
so he overcompensates through self love because he believes hes the only person who could ever love him
hes great at hiding it but sometimes, this gets to him... especially after some quick encounters with others at the fall
he thinks maybe there is no depth to him.. maybe i really am just a pretty face and nothing else
asmo cries pretty often, but he only lets people see him cry when its over something material (ie, he couldnt get a new bag hes been wanting for weeks)
he cries quietly too in effort to make sure nobody sees him
he seemed to have forgetten that you two were planning to go shopping today so you went to his room to see if he was ready
you werent expecting to see him rolled over in bed softly crying to himself
you startled him when you said his name
“oh, mc, i didnt see you there!” he chuckles lightly to himself in effort to change the mood of the atmosphere as he wipes his eyes
you ask if hes okay and his sad smile falls slightly
he asks you if you genuinely think he could ever be lovable
your heart breaks a little knowing that he even has a moment of self doubt, but you reassure him that hes a lovable person inside and out
you hug him tightly while another tear falls down his face
you two decide shopping is best for another day... for now, you just want to talk and do facials
beelzebub
beel loves his family a lot
more than he loves food (also a lot)
he hates conflict between them and would do absolutely anything to avoid it
what he hates the most about himself is how hungry he gets... hes aware its poorly timed but theres really nothing he can do about it
but the feeling hes being an inconvenience to those he loves hurts him
beel is great at smiling as often as possible, but if theres any tension between the family, he wont stop crying until its resolved
once he was so hungry it wasnt possible to control himself and he ended up going on a rampage
he earned scolds from lucifer, mammon, and satan for this
it tore him apart knowing that he had caused his family trouble for even a second and he started crying because of the guilt
he couldnt even find enough energy to make it back to his room, so he just sat in the kitchen with tears on his face
you had decided to go to the kitchen to get a snack when you saw him
he apologized for being in the kitchen and offered to move if you wanted his seat, but you declined
beel didnt even bother wiping the tears from his eyes... he wore them like they were a punishment for his own behavior
when you asked him what was wrong, all he said was that he was a bad brother
you tried to tell him otherwise, but then he went into detail about the situation and how all he does is cause the family distress
you told him that isnt true at all and he continues to bring light and happiness to all those around him
hearing that his brothers will come around and know he meant no harm is all he needed to hear
“thank you, mc... i feel less hungry when im with you”
belphie
he has lots of survivors guilt
its been millenia but he still wishes that it was him instead of lilith
because of this he cries quite often, but never in front of anyone other than beel
this feeling that lilith and him should have traded places haunts him often, and its not always so easy to sleep it off
as fore mentioned, he usually finds comfort in talking to his older twin but beel isnt always there
beel was at one of his clubs at rad and belphie didnt want to bother him, but he really did need someone right now
unlike his older brothers, belphie actually makes an effort to find you
he doesnt find you in your room nor the kitchen, so he continues to search around the house in hopes youre around here somewhere
he happens to find you by yourself in the study on your d.d.d.
belphie feels bad bothering you, and enters the room quite quietly
“mc, can we talk?”
he sits down next to you and lays his head on your shoulder
contrary to what he stated he wanted, not much talking is being done
he just lies there quietly crying with no explanation why
he realises he may not be as ready to talk about it as he thought... but thats okay
you tell him that youre going to listen whenever hes ready to talk about it
that makes him feel a lot better
he falls asleep right there with a thankful smile placed on his face
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justsomefluff · 4 years ago
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Hi I have ADHD and sometimes I forget to take my meds which makes me quite hyper, can you do a reaction with ateez where you forgot to take your medicine and is really hyper?
Guess who’s back-back-back again-gain-gain...After a long time because im lazy lmaoooo. Here it is, thank you for being patient my dearest. and please do take your meds its important <3 Keep yourself happy and healthy always anon
ALSO, i do not have ADHD so this is just based off of what I have been told about it or how friends who DO have it have explained things to me. If i offend or misrepresent ANYTHING please let me know. I tried to write this pretty neutrally without a lot of detail on the actual disorder.
Hongjoong:
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Kind of oblivious at first
Like “oh they’re a lil fidgety today”
But as the day goes on he’s like
“something is amiss”
You’re moving all over the place, being a lil chatterbox
And he’s gettin a lil suspicious
“Heyyyyyyy,” pretty much clotheslines you as you speed through different rooms because you won’t (read: cant) STOP
“Did yooooouuuuu… take your meds?” 
Smiley face. Wink. “No.”
Immediate understands
But begs you to take your medication because you sometimes get embarrassed of your hyperactivity later
Like you feel like you were annoying him or something 
and he assures you that you weren’t bothering him, but anxiety be like that so, ya know
Just doesn’t want you to overtire yourself or feel bad late
Seonghwa:
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Overprotective
Always asks you if you took your meds in the morning
Likes a routine and wants to make sure youre always happy and healthy
But if he oversleeps and gets thrown off
And therefore does not remind you to take your medicine…
Freaks out a lil
Mini heart attack
Mostly feels bad because he feels responsible
How could he forget to take care of you this way?
Then you have to expend all your extra energy assuring him that even you forget sometimes 
But then he starts setting reminders in both of your phones
Will even text you when he’s away for work uwu
Best of intentions…low-key a nag… but Mama Hwa
Yunho: 
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Will lowkey bask in your hyperactivity
Like AYYYYYYYY
Like he knows its important for you to take your medication but…
Every once in a while he finds it kind of fun
Will take you to dance practice with him even if its his day off
Thinks it will be the only time you will commit to learning an entire choreo with him lmaooooo
Also kind of lets himself go a little bit
Like lets spend the day being crackheads and just expend all of our energy
And then cuddle at the end of the night when, inevitably, we are too exhausted to move
Loves that he gets to see that side of you and gets to share in good memories like those
But still reminds you to take your medicine the day after
Yeosang:
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(he’s so cute im over here sobbing)
Honestly, I see him being the slightest bit overwhelmed by it
Like have you seen him when Wooyoung gets hyper
he’s like Whoa, child
Wants to calm you down ever so slightly
Like “be gentle with me, I am but a child”
But will still laugh at your antics
Of course, he loves every part of you
Everything can just kind of be too much for him sometimes lmao
Will take you places and do activities with you until you are both worn out
Will make you take care of him the rest of the night and tease you
Like “look what I have to put up with. You made me walk so much today”
But its gentle and sweet at the same time
San:
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Thinks its funny but is actually concerned on the inside
Kind of worried that you might hurt yourself while youre speeding around
Tries to convince you not to wait until tomorrow to take the next dose
Follows you around just waiting to catch you if you slip
Damn near wraps you in bubble wrap when you stub your toe
Like, San… “I can still function, sir”
“But you stubbed your toe”
“Everyone does that sometimes”
Starts to calm down when he realizes that you really are gonna be okay, you’re just going to experience the day a little bit quicker than normal
Twice the speed of the average human
Speedy, he calls you
Squirrel comparisons on the way
Mingi:
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Why do I feel like he wouldn’t even notice lmao
He’d just be like “wow, they have a lot of energy today”
Goes about the day normally
At the end of the day, you tell him about everything that you were able to get done
Whether its work, school, cleaning, errands, binging a TV series, or ALL of the above
And he’s like… “how”
And you’re like, well let me tell you about the lil thing I forgot to do this morning
Clueless lmao… “What did you forget?”
“Mah meds.”
“Ohhhhh…”
Then he tries to understand how you managed to do all of those things without your meds
And you’re like… I probably half-assed them but
At least they’re done!
Wooyoung:
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Just makes fun of you the whole time
Like lets be real
He’s hyper on his own
And loves seeing you that way because he can relate to it
Also, you do some stuff that might not be the smartest because you’ve got so much energy to expend
“DONT SLIDE DOWN THE HALL IN SOCKS”
Laughs when you fall
Joins you though because, while mildly dangerous…
Looks fun
Never lets you get self-conscious about anything because he is really good at matching your energy the whole day
Is awesome at just letting you work through the day at the pace you feel is right
Somehow manages to keep up with you the entire time, no matter how hard it can be sometimes
Jongho:
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Another one who is a little bit overwhelmed
Kind of shy and introverted and quiet in general
So if you get super-duper talkative and loud he might be kind of thrown off his game
Like how do I handle this
How do I be the best boyfriend during this
Overthin-King
Just internally debating whether he should tell you to take your meds, join in on your activities, or just let you ride out the hyperactivity on your own
Spends the entire day thinking about it’
Ends up letting you just do your thing on your own… not that he decided that was the best option
He was just too busy thinking about it to actually make a decision lmao
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burnedbyshoto · 5 years ago
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a brush of luck
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— In a world where soulmates exist you can communicate yours with a brush of a pen. It just doesn’t help that you are a certified idiot with a skill in misplacing things. —
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pairing: todoroki shouto x reader
warnings: fluff, angst, soulmate!au, cursing
word count: 4,229
a/n: this is for the bnaharem collab and I was super horrible and was not ready and i just woke up and threw this together please dont hate me uhuhuhuhhh see the masterlist here!!!
message to join my tag list!
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“Hey, y/l/n, you forget this!”
Your hair was falling into your face, your face flustered, and your binders filled with paper seemed to be liquid as they slowly fell to the ground.
Kaminari stood behind you when you turned around. His lips were picked into a kind smile. It was a teasing one too by the small glint in his eyes while he held onto your backpack and phone. A look of self-realized stupidity washed over your face when your head threw back into a groan. How stupid were you, really?
“I’m so sorry!” you exclaimed, throwing your things onto the nearest desk. You felt the tips of your ears burn with embarrassment when Kaminari helped you slip on your backpack and pocketed your phone in the jacket pocket. “I swear I’m the most forgetful person in the world.”
“Well, you do really clinch the title of the person who would forget their head if it wasn’t on their shoulders.”
Snorting, you shoved him with your shoulder, and he helped you regather your things with a low groan.
“Let’s see the tattoo,” you grin, ready to head out once again. Groaning loudly, Kaminari didn’t seem to want to give in to your demand, but still, with a twitch of his eye and a shove of his sleeve, he showed off his arm. “You know what, I’m going to say it—”
“I’m going to say it, I don’t care that you broke your elbows,” Kaminari finishes the phrase with you with a snort.
“Do you think it’s the first thing out of their mouth or matching tattoo?” you asked curiously when you blond best friend also prepped to leave the classroom for the day. 
“I hope its the first thing out of their mouth, imagine how fucking ultra sexy foxy hot that would be,” Kaminari moaned, his eyes rolling to the back of his eyes at the thought. Gagging at the visual horniness of that thought, you walked away, grinning at the way that Kaminari stumbled over his feet to catch up with you.
This was the world you lived in, the world of soulmates.
You weren’t sure when they had first started, but you know that it wasn’t always a phenomenon that was around. When you roamed the internet looking at old, old stories on soulmates, these theories, these worlds were built on one single concept.
They wrote about a world of black and white for everyone until that fateful moment, or matching tattoos for everyone. But no, this world was much more complicated, much more detailed. Yes, in the world there were a lot of theories that ended up being true, but the thing they didn’t see coming was that every couple — every polyamorous relationship consisted of a unique theme.
Kaminari’s soulmate was linked with tattoo’s, and the purpose behind said symbol was unknown, unheard of until he met them. Yours, as you could guess and know, was also different. Pressing your fingers against the pen that sat on the inside pocket of your uniform jacket, you smiled when Kaminari’s arm was thrown around you.
“At least you’ve never lost or forgotten that pen of yours, that would be dangerous!”
“I promise I will never ever forget it.”
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You sat on your bed nearing midnight. You were cocooned into your blankets flipping through your Hero Lawbook that you were supposed to have read months ago, but now finally was. Humming to yourself, you read through the apparent laws and the not so evident laws.
For instance, there is a law that Pro Heroes are not allowed to eat off the edge of buildings anymore! American transfer students had littered so much it became a law!
Snorting to yourself, you flipped the page.
But something warm pressed into your forearm, the most heated energy that sent shivers down your spine. It was comforting as it was ethereal. The second your body recognized the feeling, the Hero Lawbook went soaring across the room, and you grabbed your pen that was waiting at your side for ages now. 
Hi, sorry I’m just able to get back to you. I had a bunch of homework and friends who just let me leave them.
Smiling to yourself, you twirled the pen in your fingers and scribbled down your response:
It’s all good, I’ve been studying this entire time too, was just bored and didn’t respond to you earlier today!
Your soulmate theme was straightforward and quite comprehensive �� it was dubbed the Forearm and Pen theme (you hated that theme). You could communicate with your soulmate by writing with the pen on your arm, but it only worked with that pen, nothing else.
The year you were to turn sixteen, you received a pen from literally out of the blue. You remember celebrating New Year with your class in your first year at U.A.; it had been an enjoyable night! Everything in life was still going fantastic, and your class was finally past the excellent friend’s point and felt like a genuine family. You remember hugging and telling everyone good night, still being fifteen at that point, and stumbling back to your room exhausted.
When you had gotten back to your room, you didn’t even undress; simply tugging off your pants and removing your bra, you threw yourself onto the bed. But you had landed on something stiff and painful, groaning your hands shuffled for whatever it was that you fell on, and when you grabbed it, you froze at the sight of the white box. 
Was this a gift?
Your entire life, you had always wondered if you did have a soulmate, most people you knew after all had soulmate markers that appeared since birth. But you were perfectly normal. You saw all colors; you had no shared pain; there was no tattoo, no mind link, no dream meetings.
Nothing.
You were normal.
Sighing, you opened the box, hoping that it was from someone you at the very least respected.
Inside was a silver pen.
You blinked your eyes rapidly, unsure of what you were looking at, there were no initials, no engraving, nothing. 
It was an exquisite pen, and despite what you thought, it was very, very light. Frowning, your fingers pushed down on the pen, but there was nothing that came out, was there no ink?
Shrugging, you dragged it against your arm feeling the way that the cool tip delicately massaged your arm. It felt nice.
“Holy shit!”
Your eyes saw the pretty grey silvery ink on your forearm. It stood out against your skin, the ink appearing nowhere else but your arm, and then it hit you.
This was for your soulmate!
With excitement tearing through you, your exhaustion no longer bitting on your skull, but the overwhelming need to know that this was for your soulmate shook you awake. Twirling the pen in your fingers, you couldn’t help but start writing.
OMG HI
You sat there staring at your forearm, unsure as to what to do next. What do you do next?
Hey?
If your heart could be anywhere but your chest, you were nearly positive it existed within your throat at this very moment. This was nervewracking, holy shit.
Sorry, you don’t know me, but I’m ___ ___.
You frowned when you tried to write your name, it was stopping you.
It seems that we do have some rules to this entire thing.
They responded back to you, and as if they could hear you, you groaned loudly.
This soulmate shit was already stopping your excitement, it seemed.
From that very first night, the two of you were able to discover a few things. First off, anything too personal was not allowed to be written out. So names, location, and gender were the biggest ones. Birthdays were not, and you were quick to find out that both of you were still fifteen. Second of all, just because you couldn’t figure out where exactly you both were located, you did manage to put together that you were both in Japan. Third of all, your soulmate was a Hero in Training just like you and was a male. Last, of all, you were quick to realize that you were in love with the way your body felt like it was gently warming up whenever he messaged you.
I think I deserve a round of applause.
You grinned after writing your sentence, your eyes watching while the warmth filled your body and his writing slowly appearing on your forearm.
Did you not forget anything today? I find that hard to believe.
You had to suppress a scream.
WELL, IT HAPPENED! I GOT EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO BRING BACK TO MY ROOM WITH ME!!
Weren’t you the one who forgot to bring your entire backpack to school the other day?
NO! I said I almost did, but my bestie got it for me!
How do you forget everything? I think you should try to make a list to make sure that you always have things you need for the day.
... I do… but I always lose the list, and im always running late…
You’re the worst…
Congrats bbg, I’m your soulmate
The world really doesn’t want to bless me with a good life, it seems…
HEY, THAT’S MEAN!
The two of you banter for what seems like hours, the night sky fading from blackness to the deep blue of the sky right before the sunrise. You had spent the entire night curled into your pillow, your face shoved into the soft fabric to suppress your chortling snorts because you geniunely enjoyed interacting with your soulmate. But it was late, and you both had classes early that next morning.
Okay, asshole, I need to sleep! I got this stupid test tomorrow that I did not study for. I'll write to ya tomorrow!! Goodnight!!!
Don’t be rude to your soulmate :( but goodnight, and good luck on that test, sorry for keeping you up.
Smiling at his words, you put the pen to your forearm one last time.
I will never ever accept your apology for making me stay up, I love talking with you, goodnight soulmate, sweet dreams.
You placed the pen down, your eyes fluttering close, heavy with sleep. But still, no exhaustion could suppress the fluttering warmth in your body when words appeared on your arm. 
Sweet dreams, soulmate.
⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆
“Fuck, sorry,” you groaned when you sleepily slammed into the person standing in front of you. 
Blinking tiredness away from your eyes — poorly at that too — you focused up at Shouto. Grinning, you waved at your classmate, who looked almost as exhausted as you felt and definitely looked.
“It’s okay,” he nodded at you stepping to the side so that the two of you could walk side to side.
“You ready for that test today?” you asked after moments of silence.
You and Todoroki Shouto were not as close as you would like to be. Since day one, you had always had a thing for the duality of a man, and while it was mostly superficial feelings derived from the fact that he was attractive above anything else, it still made you awkward around him. At the time, your feelings were still holding you down, you always fully believed that you had no soulmate, so you thought maybe you could sweep him off his feet. It was rumored that his scar covered up his own soulmate mark, so there was no way for him to know who his soulmate was.
Selfishly and embarrassingly, you hoped that you could have him.
Then you met your soulmate, and things changed.
But now you and your classmates were all eighteen and held the world in your hands, yet you couldn’t speak to him usually still.
“There’s no test today?” Shouto stilled, his eyes narrowing in confusion, and your eyes screwed too.
“Isn’t it… Friday? We have a Hero Law test?”
“Y/l/n,” Shouto snorted a grin spreading across his features, “It’s Wednesday.”
If there was a god, he would shoot you right now.
Your cheeks burned with embarrassment while you walked faster to the classroom, Shouto keeping up with your pace easily, he was taller than you after all.
“Shut up,” you warned, your gaze not reaching Shouto’s who was staring at you.
“I wasn’t speaking.”
“I could hear you thinking!”
Shouto put on a smirk, his eyes teasing you, and his mouth dropping to speak, but there was a loud interruption.
“Y/L/N-CHAAAANNNNNN!!!!”
Both of you turned to see Kaminari chasing after you, his arms waving, looking out of breath.
“YOU FORGOT YOUR JACKET AND TIE!”
Shouto chuckled beside you, and you stared down to see that you were, in fact, only wearing half of your uniform. If there’s a god, he will end you now, you thought.
⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆
You're not serious right now, are you?
Going on three years of knowing your soulmate, or at the very least talking with him, you thought you had a good understanding of who he was. He was strong, powerful, and kind. He came off a bit standoffish at times but was the dumbest person you’ve ever known. Common sense was not his friend, and that was okay. 
Even at times when the two of you had your differing opinions because it did happen, it never snowballed more into a small annoyance that the two of you would apologize for and move on. But this was something that shouldn’t have had become a fight, it shouldn’t have been anything more potent than a difference of opinion, but when you suggested entertaining the thought of when the two of you would finally meet, he was uncharacteristically cold. 
Hurt by his tone, you told him, and he said you to grow up until it became this written fight.
Why couldn’t you talk about meeting?
Why didn’t he want to think about what would happen when the two of you would meet?
It was getting ugly for no reason, a fight just to fight, and it was making you nauseous.
But he crossed a line that couldn’t be fixed when he wrote a simple sentence:
Just because you’re my soulmate doesn’t mean I have to love you, meet you, or marry you.
So there you sat, your bottom lip trembling with tears streaking down your blotchy face. He wasn’t being serious, was he? There was no way… no fucking way this was him. The warmth that flooded your body with his new message felt ice-cold, poisoning you from the inside out while you read it.
You're my soulmate, but I have no obligation to do anything with you now or ever. The world chose you for me, not me. I didn’t choose you. I don’t owe you anything here. Soulmates are bullshit and don’t fucking bother messaging me again if you expect me to fall in love with you just because our “souls are connected”
It was needless to say that you didn’t respond back, not because you felt like he should love you because of your connected souls, but because your sobbing and broken emotions left you curled into a ball, ready for a sleepless slumber to take you.
⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆
“You don’t look too hot,” Kaminari told you, hitting you with his foot when your bleary and puffy eyes stared at your best friend.
Kirishima and Mina, who were sitting beside him, elbowed him at the same time, berating him for his insensitive comment. You could feel Sero and Bakugou staring at you, their eyes concerned and curious. 
“What’s eating ya up?” Sero asked, and you found a rock-forming in your throat when you shrugged.
“Soulmate problems…”
“That was fucking obvious,” Bakugou rolled his eyes, taking a drink of his water. “Tell us the problem, not a stupid summary.”
Surprisingly that’s all it took for you to come undone, and you explained what happened with tears falling down your face and a sniffling nose. There was a lot to tell them about it, and you showed them the pen while explaining the entire story. They listened to every word you uttered, faces concern but taking in everything you said.
“You’re an idiot,” Bakugou spoke the second you were finished, his eye twitching while he glared at you. You swallowed thickly, placing the pen on the table while Bakugou edged closer towards you. “He’s not wrong, you know, stupid fucking soulmates are just this irrational solution to an irrational problem. Love is much more complex than that, and you don’t seem to have been fighting for him in that way either, sure you seem like good friends, but that doesn’t give you the right to expect him to love you. But he was a complete fucking dick about it, so I say kill him.”
Your — and all of the rest of your friend group — eyes widened at his words. With nothing to follow him up, you all continued to stare at him while he munched on his food.
“WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING EXTRAS LOOKING AT!”
“Is Bakugou a love expert?” Mina’s stage whispered to the group.
“He almost was, but then he said to kill y/n’s soulmate, so probably not anymore,” Kirishima responded back.
“SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I KILL YOU!”
⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆
It took four days before the warm feeling shot through your body again.
Fuck, I'm really sorry, I was a complete fucking dick. I said a lot of things, and i didn’t mean to say I was angry and upset, and I know that you're upset, rightfully upset, but i don’t want to lose you.
No matter how long it took for him to get back to you, your heart squeezed with euphoria and poison, your hands moving to grab your pen in your pocket.
It wasn’t there.
Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.
You tore apart your room, trying to find the silver pen but you couldn’t find it.
Stay as mad as you want, I just… please talk with me soon, even if it takes five days. I'm sorry, soulmate.
Frustrated tears poured down your face, nausea almost making you wheeze when you stared at the words you wanted to reply to.
⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆
One day after he apologized:
Don’t want to bother you, just wanted to apologize again and say that I miss you, talk to you soon.
⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆
Five days after he apologized:
I’m not really sure if this is normal or not… I'm not really… educated when it comes to romance and shit like that, especially when it comes to someone being upset with the other… my female classmates told me that I should expect a response from you soon. I'm really sorry, please write soon.
⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆
So it seems that i’ve fucked up to the point of no return. I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you. Maybe one day I can reconvince you that I'm your soulmate for a good reason, but I guess I’ll have to work on that.
It had been fourteen days since he had apologized, and you sat in your room with tears streaming down your face. You wanted to respond back, but even fourteen days of tirelessly searching U.A.’s entire campus, ripping it stone by stone, there was no finding your pen. Every day without fail, he gave you an update of his day and another apology. Every day they got more hopeless, more pained.
This was his last message for a while, he needed time to work things out with himself now, the strain of this and graduation coming soon being too much to handle at the moment. 
Wiping your tears for what felt like the hundredth time within this past twenty minutes, you stood up on your wobbly legs to go downstairs for water. You were dehydrated and absolutely needed to get out for both fresh air and water.
Walking down the stairwell with swollen eyes, you groaned when you slammed into a body when you opened the door to the common area. 
Shouto blinked down at you, and you felt your throat clampdown at the pained look in his own eyes.
“Have you been—”
“Are you—”
You both spoke over each other, and despite the horrid feeling coursing through your bones, you cracked a smile.
“I’m getting water,” you explained with a shrug. “Long night ya know, just needed to replenish my system so I can cry some more.”
Shouto stared at you, and with horror, you realized precisely what you had said.
“Oh my god, ignore me!” you squeak, covering your face trying to move past him, but Shouto seemed to be curious now and followed after you.
“What’s making you cry?” he asked while you rush to the fridge to get your glass of water.
“What’s got you upset?” you counter downing the cup of water.
Shouto sighed, leaning against the counter of the island in the kitchen. “Would it be weird to say its soulmate issues?”
Swallowing the water in your mouth, you shook your head, a tired smile on your face, “Embarrassingly enough, my issue is also with soulmate stuff.”
A joyless chuckle escaped his mouth, and Shouto’s head tilted backward. You studied his jaw and the way his body seemed tense, too tense.
“What happened?” you press gently standing next to him, shouldering him gently.
“I fucked up, and now my soulmate won’t talk with me,” he says slowly, his head nodding while he glances at you. “I guess telling your soulmate you don’t want them is a bad thing.”
You snorted, nodding your head in agreement, “It’s not just a bad thing, its a super fucked up thing.”
Shouto sighed in agreement, and there was silence when you took another drink of your water.
“I didn’t know you were in contact with your soulmate, though,” you smile wistfully, your hand twirling the cup on the counter. “How’d you meet them?”
“I actually don’t know who they are,” Shouto admitted with pursed lips, and your eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “I have that soulmate thing where you write on your arm, and they can read it.”
Showing off his arm, you glanced at the pale skin. You nodded your head when he pulled out a silver pen that looked similar to yours.
“Well,” you shrug your shoulders, motioning him to write. “I’m no expert, but let’s see if I can help you get your soulmate to forgive you.”
“T-They haven’t responded to me in two weeks…” Shouto’s voice cracks, and the number burns a hole through your stomach. “I’ve written every day, but no answer. I don’t really know what to do, and all the girls in the class don’t really know what to do. Bakugou also said to go fuck myself over it, so I don’t think I really have had any help.”
Ignoring the twisting in your stomach, you willed your weirdness away to shuffle in your seat, “Well, you haven’t asked me, asshole, come on, let’s see what I can do.”
Shouto chuckles, his head nodding, “That is true, but to be fair, you’ve been anywhere, but in the dorm these past few weeks.”
“I lost something,” you mutter embarrassed, but you shake away your problems and point at his wrist. “Write an apology.”
You watched when he wrote, the words expressing his apology and love seeping through the silvery ink on his wrist. You told him to add things to delete things, but in the end, it ended up feeling like a genuine and sincere apology. You watched his pen leave his skin and a warmth shot through your arm. 
Shivering, you looked at your arm, trying to see what your soulmate had written to you even though he said he was going to stop.
The words he wrote appeared on your skin.
Your eyes widened when you stared at Shouto, who was also staring at your arm. 
Your eyes met in an almost world-altering way. This entire time, for three whole years, the two of you had been by each other and never knew. Midnight conversations wasted through ink instead of face to face. Your heart hammered in your throat, and tears once again poured from your eyes when you both stood at full height, staring at each other.
Todoroki Shouto was your soulmate — he was yours, and you were his.
“I’m so sorry, y/n, I don’t know what happened to me. You didn’t deserve that, and fuck, I’m so sorry—”
“I lost my pen, and I couldn’t respond back, I forgave you, but I had no way of reaching back! But I was always forcing myself onto you—”
You both interrupted the other, and now you stared at each other, drinking in the presence of each other and belittling yourselves for not knowing sooner; looking at it now, it was just so obvious. You can’t help it and pull him into a hug. His strong arms wrap around you, and you can hear his hammering heart on your ear, and it fills you up with the familiar warmth when he writes you. This seemed to be a brush of luck it seems.
“Can I kiss you, soulmate.”
“Please do.”
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tommybaholland · 4 years ago
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Hiya! I was wondering if I could request a one-shot with Sugawara where the reader is his best friend and secretly loves him but he doesn’t know? Then maybe another person catches his attention and the reader starts to distance themselves from Suga to try to spare themselves the hurt? Then maybe turns out the other person was just using Suga/wasn’t serious bout him and he realizes that the person he really loves is the reader but now they’re staying away from him and just angst and fluff and dramatic confessions?? Sorry if it’s far too much detail, I get carried away. Your writing is amazing, keep up the fantastic work!
somebody, some body
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featuring: sugawara 
goddddd i’m so sorry i am late with a post AGAIN. this has been way overdue to be posted actually, and last night i finished it and was almost done with editing but accidentally lost everything i added and edited in the draft :// so thank you for being patient with me! this ended up being pretty long, so hopefully that makes up for the wait :) anyway, i really liked this idea! i have a little personal experience with this kind of situation, so it was fun to explore those feelings a bit. thanks for requesting and enjoy!
you didn’t always know that you would be in love with koshi sugawara. your dynamic was always friendly, and nothing more. so where did you go wrong?
when you think back to your history with suga, you could never find yourself resenting any time you spent with him. it all started when you moved into his neighborhood and as a shy child, you didn’t have the easiest time making friends. but he was a kind boy who was around your age and made it easy for you to form a bond with him. after all those years, neither one of you had changed that much. you were still reserved at heart but, he was the one who pushed you to things that you both could enjoy. 
one is joining the high school volleyball club together. you weren’t usually one to go outside of your comfort zone, but with him, you felt like you could do anything. he had you fuel your enthusiasm and you had him to thank for that. volleyball ended up being a great idea because it was quite a versatile sport that anyone could play. you found that you were quite athletic and took a liking to the libero position. there was just something exciting about digging a ball off the ground and rolling on the floor to get back up again. also, it looked pretty cool. 
so that was great until you hurt your shoulder during a game, which ended up being more severe than it seemed. now you couldn’t lift your left arm very far over your head unless you wanted to dislocate your shoulder again. it was already a tough recovery period because all you wanted to do was get back to the game. 
he was there with you for the entirety of it and even though he mostly encouraged you, he had to make sure you knew you wouldn’t do anything to hurt yourself. you felt helpless. it was the lowest he had ever seen you and he did everything he could to lift you back up again.
that was something you could never take for granted with him. 
the thing about you and suga is that you were in constant contact, especially during school. if it wasn’t sending each other funny memes or tiktoks, you were either on snapchat with each other or texting. sometimes simultaneously. 
are you alive?? 
yeah i’m awake, unfortunately
what do u want sugar-wara 
whoa how are you up this early lol and sugar is my thing ok
let’s go get sweet buns before class
ur right, it is ur thing. ur sugar-wara
okay i’ll meet you by the light in 15 
there was a lonely intersection in your neighborhood with a red stoplight that seems to have malfunctioned and now the light never stops blinking. you and suga lived on the same street, with the intersection being a perfect place to literally meet in the middle. 
“hey, sugar-- uh oh. someone doesn’t look so sweet today!”
he was always so peppy in the mornings. 
“yeah, well, maybe if someone didn’t wake me up with their annoying texts..”
“if you really don’t want to be woken up, you’d put your phone on do not disturb. you can thank me later for being your alarm clock.” 
he gave you a bright smile and a few head pats before you set off down the road to your favorite bakery which happened to be on the way to school. you didn’t go every morning, but most days it was necessary for you to start your day off right. 
“how’s the team looking this year, mr. vice captain?”
“pretty good, actually! four first years joined the team and one of them’s over six feet tall. our blocks will be unstoppable!”
 there were several things you loved about suga but, if there was one thing you enjoyed most, it was hearing him get psyched about volleyball. even though you couldn’t play anymore, his undying enthusiasm for the sport made you feel like you were living through him vicariously. 
“and there’s one who’s on the shorter side, only a little taller than noya. but he seems to have so much energy and drive, it’s just-- i don’t know, i have a feeling we could actually make it to nationals this year.” 
“wow, that’s great!” 
“you should come to practice and see them! also we just got asahi back so i need to make sure my sets really land.” 
“kou, you know i love watching you guys but isn’t that what kiyoko’s there for?”
“well, yeah, but you know how i play best!”
“yeah, sure. it’s not like i have anything better to do.” 
“you never let me down!” 
 his smile never let you down. 
it was your senior year of high school and it felt like things were going to be nothing but great.
“so...speaking of you knowing me best,” he started rather hesitantly.
“what would you do if i...made you dinner?”
“i...what?”
“oh, uh, oh, no. not, like, i make you dinner but, like...rei finally agreed to come around tonight and i thought i’d make something for them.”
“oh, um,” you tried to force a smile. “yeah, i think they’d like that.”
“yeah? you don’t think it’s too cheesy or anything? we haven’t hung out very much but i’d thought it would be a nice way to show them that i mean what i feel, you know?”
“yeah, yeah! that sounds perfect, kou..”
if only they knew that they were so lucky. 
you knew about this person, rei. they were your teammate and even a friend at one time. they transferred to karasuno during your second year and you bonded over your shared interest of the libero position. they didn’t get to play much that season until you got injured and had to quit playing. 
to see them fill that position so easily, it made you feel so type of way. a way that suga couldn’t know because even though he was there for you, he couldn’t deny his feelings. you remember when he told you that he liked them. about how he’s liked them ever since they came to karasuno and about how he was nervous to talk to them. 
and guess what?
you encouraged him. you encouraged him to try to pursue someone who you knew and liked, so now you had to hide that you were envious of both their position on the team AND the fact that your best friend is in love with them. 
at first, you tried to look at it as a positive point. you were still friendly with them, but volleyball was the only thing that connected you so you didn’t talk to them that much anymore. but now that suga, the person you’re closest to, was talking to them, it opened up the possibility that you would be able to reconnect with them. you had to be supportive. you were his friend, his closest friend, after all. 
-
the next morning you didn’t wake up from a text from suga. no, it took several snooze buttons to wake you up, which already put you in a bad mood. 
it’s ur turn now. are u alive??
i actually woke up to my alarms, how weird. u must be dead lol 
also have you done the english assignment yet? i need serious help >_<
you weren’t afraid to double, triple, even quadruple text him because more often than not, he did that to you. sometimes he’d even send longish paragraphs as he did later that day when classes had already started. 
hey sorry today has just been filled with fun and thriving and good stuff! rei asked me if i wanted to meet up with them before school last night and they made me some sweet buns and they were soooo good. i think we’re going to eat lunch together with some of their friends from vbc. ugh english sucks for me too. idk why you think i’m good at it
you almost jumped at the gesture to reply. it was never this long that he would go without text you at least one dumb thing. 
haha it’s okay don’t be sorry! so i guess last night went well?
also ur great at english sugar-wara what r u talking about??
it surprised you how quickly they seemed to become so friendly. it was kinda weird that he would already be spending a lot of time with her and now meeting all her friends. he probably already knew of them though, with volleyball and everything. the thoughts of how long you would have to wait for a reply crept in your mind, but that was quickly erased by an elapsed period of only a few minutes. 
yeah it went great! they had never had someone cook for them before, so they really liked it. this morning they told me they’d show me how to make fried eggs bc i said i dont know how to use a stove lol 
wait you made a whole meal for this person and u don’t know how to use the stove??
i used a crockpot and microwave ok :// don’t make fun of me dingus 
well a stove would definitely broaden ur horizons lmao that’s nice it went well though 
thank you i hope its going well 
that conversation was truly the end of the beginning. 
Every day after that seemed to happen the same way. you’d wake up, no text from suga. he hadn’t even replied to what you last said the previous night. you didn’t see him much either, but you knew who he was with probably. you would still stop by at volleyball practice where you did get to see him but they were there also. so you found yourself dipping out a lot more. 
it just felt weird. seeing him talk to someone he didn’t even know before. they didn’t even know him. even when you two were on the team together, they never once showed much interest in him and now it just seemed strange that they would. 
the transition was particularly difficult for you, as much as you didn’t want to admit it. one night you were so overwhelmed with work because you had waited too long to do it. frantically texting suga was an understatement. 
you knew you couldn’t put all your reliance on him but it was weird that he wasn’t replying on a school night as he was just as much a procrastinator as you. you dragged yourself through the night, trying to put together a somewhat coherent speech for english the next day. which, again, started as it had for the past few weeks. you still hadn’t heard from him, but it doesn’t even matter anymore. by the time he replied, it was almost embarrassing on your part. 
oh my god y/n i’m so sorry i didn’t reply sooner. i tried to get all my work done early so i could hang out with rei last night and i was asking my mom for advice and she told me to just pay attention to them as much as possible so i just wanted to be with them, you know? but i really hope you didn’t beat yourself up too much about it and that you got at least a little sleep. i’m sure your speech went well :) 
you sounded desperate for his help and meanwhile, he’s genuinely trying to show someone how much they mean to him. could you look any more stupid? 
you didn’t even want to reply but you felt like you had to. 
no don’t be sorry koshi! if anything i’m sorry i was just super frustrated in the moment and didn’t know what to do. i managed to pull something halfway decent together i think so it’s all okay now 
was it okay though? 
that was when you realized that things would never be the same. you’re his best friend and that’s simply it. you mean something to him, but not the same something that they mean to him. you couldn’t go to him when you help because then you’d be taking his time away from someone who wanted to feel that special meaning. it was a hard pill to swallow, for sure. but there were still several questions that lingered in the potential of what your relationship could be.
isn’t it possible to be both a best friend and a partner at the same time? you didn’t see any problem with it, so why couldn’t it be true? 
-
two weeks past and suga, your best friend, decided to let you in on some news. 
going up against all these powerhouse schools is definitely tough but it’ll help our team in the long run. we’re really amped to play seijoh soon but also i have an s/o now who can come and cheer us on 
WAIT you guys made it official?? when?
haha we’ve been official for like two weeks now 
oh well that’s great! 
(what the actual hell.)
months went by and you saw suga maybe two or three times. and only saw him, usually with the rest of the volleyball team or with rei and their friends. you texted now and then but it wasn’t the same. you had to accept that it wouldn’t be the same, so you did. you had a good group of friends who you spent more of your time with, as well as trying to focus as much as possible on school. entrance exams were coming up and you couldn’t let this be your downfall, even though you and suga had previously talked about possibly going to the same college together. but that wasn’t important anymore. 
you had your priorities and suga had his. 
which was the biggest reason why you decided not to go to the game against aoba johsai. you told him that you would try to make it, if schoolwork and college prep courses would lend you the chance. you were just trying to focus on yourself and work hard in on your own. you still texted him just to show that you still cared. 
sorry i couldn’t make it to the game! how did it go?
we lost :’(( we were so close too 
oh no :( i’m sorry kou. but i know you guys will get them next time!
he never replied, which only made you want to grow further from him. 
summer vacation rolled around and it was about a month out from suga’s birthday. a strange text appeared from someone you didn’t expect. 
Hey so I wanted to get manga for suga for his bday but I cannot for the life of me remember which ones he has so can you try to casually ask him which ones he has? like the next time you guys talk about manga or something?
you felt weird that they were asking for your help, considering that they now spent more time with him than you did. but you weren’t going to completely ignore them either.
to be honest we haven’t talked a whole lot lately but i’ll try to subtly ask him 
Okay awesome thanks!
what were you thinking of getting him?
Deathnote lol nothing original
hmm maybe the new aot volume? 
Yeah, that’s a good one. Or maybe BNHA
yeah that too! do you still want me to ask him? 
Yeah could you? 
yeah sure!
Yay thanks! 
okay i’ll let you know what i find out
going through with this was even worse. if it were you, you’d take him to see his favorite artist in concert. he wasn’t never much of a concert guy but he would talk about how badly he wanted to go see them live. or a more lowkey and personal option would be to customize a crewneck for him. you had a knack for designing and decorating plain-looking clothes and he would try to do it himself but would always remark how much better yours always turned out. 
but this time you’re simply the messenger and wouldn’t get that chance to get him something you know he’d love. not that he wouldn’t like manga, but it just seemed like they weren’t putting a ton of thought into it. maybe you couldn’t blame them though, it had only been a few months that they had been dating. 
that conversation honestly seemed more out-of-the-blue than anything, but you were hoping that suga would be as oblivious as ever. it didn’t even matter in the end because he never even answered your subtle way of asking. you didn’t feel like double texting because a.) you hadn’t done that in months and b.) it seemed too obvious. 
in the end, you did all that you could do and told rei that you had no information to provide, even after a week had passed. that was your, now monthly, interaction with suga that month. 
but it wasn’t like you weren’t thinking about him. 
your interactions moved from text to strictly snapchat, where you would hold streaks for considerable amounts of time. but every time you seemed to break contact with him, you found yourself blaming them. but you couldn’t blame them. they were with him, dating him. they had a right to claim a spot by his side. you had learned to pull back and just live your life. 
but life didn’t want you to have a great time either. albeit through a simple app like snapchat, he was the one asking you if you were okay. at this point, you would probably just deflect but somehow, you found yourself telling him about how you didn’t do so well on your entrance exams, despite having done what you could to prepare for them. you just thought you were so focused to do well, but maybe it was too much focus. you told him it would be alright. another notification came through.
snapchat from sugar wara  
you opened it to a selfie of him, one that was angled upwards to position him looking right up into the camera, his wide hazel eyes being the centerpiece of the photo. the caption simply said, “promise?”
and that was when it happened. you felt something different in your heart like it was knocked around in your chest. you smiled at the simple response and replied, “yeah i promise!!” 
it felt strange, but you finally admitted it, 
you were in love with koshi sugawara. 
timing was, without a doubt, a demise in all of your previous relationship endeavors. you could never seem to get that part right, also coming in too fast or not knowing if you should wait. you had only hoped that someone you liked would like you just as much. so catching feelings for someone, strong feelings at that, was not part of your current life plans. let alone with suga, someone you were, at one point, extremely close to. 
you know so much about him and what scared you was that your confession would be the only one that could mess up whatever relationship you had left with him. why couldn’t you just enjoy where you stood with him? why should your selfish feeling have to get in the way? 
stupid was an understatement as you how you felt. he was still dating rei, and that didn’t look like it was going to end anytime soon. you didn’t know what to do or how to cope. you can fight your feelings, but they can’t change right away. and for as long as you’ve known suga, the history you’ve shared with him, it seemed like these feelings weren’t leaving anytime soon. 
you spent the next couple of weeks trying to get everything out, while simultaneously trying to forget. you vented about it to your friends and while most of them offered advice, you stuck with just remaining stagnant. one of them suggested that you confess to him but that was what you feared most: that your feeling would become so overwhelming that you had to do something impulsive to relieve them. he would probably never talk to you again. there was nothing you could do. he was in a relationship with someone he really likes. why would you try to ruin that for him? 
you didn’t go to any of the preliminaries, mostly because of prep courses and trying to prepare for the next round of entrance exams. you still kept up with suga and saw that they won in the game against seijoh and we now going to the finals against shiratorizawa. you swiped up on his story and typed a simple, “omg that's amazing!! see I knew you guys could do it.” you continue to scroll through your phone, not thinking that much about it until a notification popped up.
sugar wara is typing…
snapchat from sugar wara
yeah it was great! Wish you could have been here though :(
me too! college prep courses seem to have been taking up all my time :P
is there any chance that you could try to find time to come to finals? 
we've been trying to get all the support that we can
plus it would be nice to see a familiar face there :) 
yeah i'll see what i can do to try to be there!
 wymd a familiar face? hasn't rei been going to the prelims?
they have been but we actually broke up about two weeks ago
i sort of initiated it but i promise it's okay
your eyes almost fell out of your head when you read that 2 weeks ago you were talking about how you were in love with him and were and decided to accept that it wasn't going to happen. now you're hearing that at the same time they had broken up? It seemed odd and... bittersweet. 
oh no i'm sorry kou :(
you bit your lip as you couldn't help but ask.
wdym you initiated it tho?
so kageyama has been killing it as our setter especially with his quick attack move with hinata 
rei was worried that i wasn't being treated fairly bc i'm a senior and vice-captain and all that. i tried to reassure them that i just want to see our team thrive and go to nationals but they still were worried about it and would talk about how they would go to games and never see me play once
it's been hard especially that it happened right before the seijoh game and now before finals
yeah i'm sure it's been difficult 
but don't beat yourself don't blame yourself so much! the team needs your support just as much as it needs players. nobody could replace that :)
thanks y/n :) i appreciate you so much
although you thought you would be happy, you can’t help but still feel weird about this whole thing. you felt like the ball was in your court but your bum arm couldn’t receive it properly. your feelings for him had been strong and you felt like you had to pack them all the way so now it just felt wrong to let them flow out again. but now that there was no conflict of interest, did you have to hide your feelings? 
it was more complicated than it was before. you didn't know how anything was going to play out at all and that kinda scared you. you did know one thing though, and that was how to be a loyal friend to suga because that's all you ever were from the start and that's what you could and would be for the future.
-
it was the friday before the finals game. 
you decided to stay late after school to maximize your focus on studying. it seemed to have worked because the sun was going down before you knew it. you wanted to get ahead on work so you could go to the game tomorrow. you and suga had been talking more recently and while it wasn’t as much as it used to be, it was more than it had been in the past several months. 
you quickly gathered up your things and left school for the night. the pretty orange and pink sky lit your way home through the quiet town and into the residential parts. at that point, the dark had met and light and-
“y/n! hey, wait!”
you turned to see none other than suga, jogging up behind you to catch up. you smiled at his sudden presence, looking past him to see the small group of the rest of the team. 
“hey! funny seeing you here.”
“yeah, haha,” he chuckled, catching his breath from suddenly running a considerable distance. “are you going home?”
“yeah.”
“can i walk with you?”
“of course.”
great! so i’m guessing you stayed late at school? you’re still wearing your uniform.”
“oh, yeah,” you affirmed, looking down at your monotonous outfit. “i just wanted to be all caught up on work and studying so i could go to the game tomorrow.”
“oh, yeah? that’s good to hear! yeah, we were-- we just had a late practice. coach left before us but we wanted to stay a little longer.”
“i hope you guys win tomorrow, it seems like you’ve been working really hard.”
“yeah, i hope so too. we’ve come a long way in such a short amount of time, it just feels like we can’t stop now.” 
you nodded in agreement. there was a beat of silence just then, and while it wasn’t awkward, it felt like something was lingering in the air.
“so, um,” he spoke up after several seconds. his eyes met yours and you felt that pang in your chest again, quickly looking away. “it’s been a while, huh?”
“yeah. yeah, it has, i guess,” you laughed lightly. you reached the intersection with the never-ending blinking stoplight and you turned around to face him.
“but i guess i’ll see you tomorrow, right?”
“yeah. yeah!”
“okay, get some sleep. goodnight.”
he nodded and you grinned at him before turning around to walk the rest of the way home until his voice stopped you again.
“hey, y/n?”
“yeah, kou?”
he looked down and all around, anywhere but your face.
“i, um, i know things have been kinda weird between for a while but it’s made me realize that i missed you, a lot.”
“yeah, i missed you, too.”
“but it’s also made me realize that i enjoy spending time with you and talking to you. like, even now, just talking to you makes me feel-- i don’t know. it makes me feel at ease like i’m home. and i’d really like to spend more time with you because i, um, i really like you.”
“you, you what?”
“i really like you, sugar.”
in all the ways you had imagined this happening, you never thought that you would feel your face fall to a frown, your heart beating in your ears. something just didn’t sit right with you about it.
“i, i, i don’t know what to say...”
“it’s okay if you don’t! i just wanted to tell you.”
“but why are you telling me this now?”
“do you-- do you not feel the same?”
“no. no! i’ve been wanting to hear you say something like that for so long, it’s just. you broke up with rei not too long ago and-- i don’t know. something isn’t right about it.” you shook your head, unsure of what you were trying to say.
“it’s how i feel,” he shrugged. “i just wanted to tell you and have a good feeling to hold onto to make tomorrow a little easier.”
you looked at him in disbelief.
“oh, so you think you can confess all that to me right before this big game and that i’ll automatically reciprocate those feelings when you just broke up with someone not even a month ago? i’m not a second choice--”
“no, sugar, listen, that’s not how i meant it at all--”
“no sugawara.” those words made him go quiet instantly. you never used his full name, there was always some sort of play on it, so this was serious. 
“maybe that’s not how you meant it, but that’s how i’m taking it. i’ve been wanting to tell you for so long how i felt but i wanted to respect your feelings so i didn’t. so please, respect mine. i’m not the good luck charm that you can just confess to and expect that it’ll all be okay. this just isn’t right. i’m sorry, koshi. 
your voice broke as his name left your lips, tears beginning to fall. you didn’t even give him a chance to respond, a rush of adrenaline telling you to quickly turn and get out of there. 
-
you didn’t get much sleep that night. 
it was hard not to think about your conflicted feelings over suga’s confession. you had hoped for that moment for a long time but the timing simply wasn’t right. how funny and ironic is that? you thought your timing was off. maybe you were meant for each other in that way. you couldn’t help but let your feelings get the best of you and you were beginning to become what you feared most from him. you thought he would immediately reject you and make you feel bad about ever saying anything about how you felt. but the roles are reversed and that was the part that blindsided you the most. 
you didn’t think that how you reacted was wrong but you also couldn’t imagine how he was feeling right now. he just wanted to feel good right before a big game but that backfired right in his face. some might call it karma, but part of you thought he didn’t deserve it. 
the pressure was setting in as the game went into the fifth and final set. what made it worse was kageyama wouldn’t be starting that set, his nose bleeding from the spike he took to the face. suga was genuinely thrilled to be a teacher, a mentor, and a support system for his fellow teammates. he didn’t mind that another, rather talented, setter had joined the team because that meant he wouldn’t have to worry about passing the position over to someone who he thought didn’t deserve it. 
he almost forgot he was actually a player on the team when everyone looked to him to fill in. this was his moment and it just happened to be at the most overwhelming part of this game. Both teams were tired while simultaneously running on pure adrenaline to see who was going to come out on top. 
suga had an opportunity, not only to start the set but be the trailblazer for their success. 
the nerves set in as he held up the paddle with the number nine on it, kageyama holding it up with him for a moment. It was symbolic in a way. suga always thought he’d be passing the baton to him, his successor as karasuno’s official setter, but this felt just as sentimental. Suga hadn’t played much this season but he got to watch the team grow into something that it once was: something great. They’ve had their share of loss and strife but it finally seemed like they had come so far and the only direction they can go is up. 
the nerves set in as he looked around, anywhere to ease them. His eyes automatically went to the team banner, black with the simple word ‘fly’ written over it, where all the school and their supporters were watching. he went down the line quickly but the wave of a hand caught his eye. his eyes shifted back and felt that familiar grin on him.
it was you. 
“c’mon suga! You can do it!”
and so he did. 
once the final ball hit the ground, the room was quiet with shock. it had been tight for most of the game but no one really expected this outcome. they were going to nationals. daichi, suga, and asahi embraced, taking in the satisfying feeling of victory. 
after the awards ceremony, you were buzzing with excitement for them, trying to calmly follow the rest of the crowd out of the gym. you could tell they were somewhere along the hallway as another crowd formed to congratulate the winning team. you weaved in and out of it, even getting on your toes to see if you could spot a familiar head of gray hair. 
you finally caught a glance at him from afar, his smile growing as his eyes locked onto yours.
“y/n!”
you mimicked his expression and found your feet moving quicker than your brain could process. he put in the same amount of haste to meet you in the middle. you both stopped at about an arm’s length away from each other. his flushed cheeks and slightly red but glistening eyes held your smile as you decided to speak first. 
“hey, kou.”
“hey, sugar.”
another minute couldn’t be wasted as you finally crashed into one another. it felt better to hold somebody that you knew and genuinely loved. you could be sure that he felt the same way as he held your body tightly against him. 
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heyo haikyuu night! send any requests right here..
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fallingfor-fics · 4 years ago
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Teachers Pet- chapter 1: Hogwarts express
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All chapters
prologue
"Ok so once you get everything secured on your cart all you have to do is locate the correct platform, which is 9 ¾ , don't go to the wrong one or you may seriously hurt yourself, once you find it stand about 20 feet away and run straight through, easy as that!" she said as we still sat in the car. "Wait. You're not coming with me to see me on the train?" I asked my mother, clearly shocked she would just expect me to do it on my own the first time.
 "Oh you'll be fine! You're almost 17 if you can't do this, how can I trust you to be ok by yourself, plus I need to get to the new house and start unpacking!" she said as if it was all no big deal and unpacking was more important than my wellbeing. "how do you know so much about all of this stuff anyway? I don't wanna be rude but what if you have your information incorrect and I get transported to like, I don't know Brazil?" I questioned. Oh yeah, my mother was a muggle, which was the only downside about moving away from my father, I had no mentor, no one to tell me what i'm doing right or wrong. "Don't be so dramatic I promise you all my information is correct I got very detailed instructions from Albus and your father." she retorted. I sat there not looking at her and just keeping my gaze ahead at the crowds of people. I played with my fingers and chewed the inside of my lip trying to distract from the almost nauseous feeling I had in my stomach. "Well are you gonna get out and go? You don't wanna be too late." she asked annoyed and staring me down waiting for me to move or speak or even breathe. I didn't realize I had been holding my breath. "It's a Sunday. I don't think I can technically be late for anything." I responded. "Mmm well still I wanna get to the new house while theres still daylight" she said unlocking the car door to try and encourage me to get the fuck out. "It's noon I think you'll have plenty of time." I remarked. "Merlin y/n get the hell out of my car and go!" she said lightly shoving my arm clearly annoyed with my behavior. "Fine! Damn!" I said frustrated she wasn't being more understanding. I took a deep breath and opened the car door, stepping out and breathing in the putrid air that wafted from the train station. "God why does it smell like ass here" I said sarcastically but with genuine wonderment. "Muggles" my mother responded. "Hmm great" I responded, putting the letter from Dumbledore and my wand in my bag and putting it over my shoulder and across my chest. I reached in the car and grabbed my belongings. "What if someone sees me?" I asked, leaning down to look at her. "They won't, they can't," she said, not making eye contact distracted by who knows what. "Mm ok cool" I said slamming the door shut. She rolled down the window and gave me a "really" look. "Bye darling you are gonna be just fine, and you can write to me if you ever need anything!" she said practically already pulling out of the parking spot. "Ok sounds good" I said very unenthusiastically. "Love you!" I shouted as she pulled out and began to drive away. "Love you too!" she said waving her hand out of her window and practically zooming off.
   I sighed, still standing in the parking lot and staring at the loads of people. Trying to calm my nerves and get the energy to move my feet. I reached down and grabbed my suitcases and headed up towards the station. "Ok platform 6, 7, 8, andddd 9. Where is it?" I said talking quietly to myself. I stood there looking around. I kept walking a bit more and eventually found it. "Wait which wall do I run through?" I thought out loud. I guess it's the one with the sign attached, I sure hope so. If I end up running into a literal brick wall I may just have to turn myself into a roach and get stepped on. I didn't see any carts but figured I didn't really need one. I only had two suitcases I could manage. I stepped 20 feet back from the wall and looked around at all of the people, they didn't seem to pay any attention to me, or even see me for that matter. I exhaled a breath of air I had been holding in and tightened my grip on my luggage. I stared the wall down and took my stance. I dont know if I can do this I thought to myself as I kept staring at this stupid wall. I took another deep breath and told myself I'd go on three. "One" I held my luggage close to me. "Two" I closed my eyes and got ready. "THREE" I hollered and sprinted as fast as I could not opening my eyes the whole way. I opened my eyes and saw that I was still in one piece. "Holy. Fuck." I said to myself. That was totally insane. I can't believe it worked! I felt a slight spark of joy that I was able to do it on my own. I had always been pretty independent, others usually relied on me so I wasn't too shocked I got through. "Ok now I need to get on the train and take the nine hour ride all the way to hagwarts" I snickered. I mean Hogwarts. I let out a breath and found a door to get onto the train. I stepped into the Hogwarts express and found a seat alone. I closed my door and set my luggage down on the seat across from me. My mother told me the train would probably be pretty empty, which she was right about.
   I opened my bag and found an envelope that I didn't remember putting in there. It had my name on it in my mothers handwriting. I used my finger to open it up and pull the paper out from it, along fell a small pouch that felt sort of heavy and jingled. I opened it up and saw a good amount of galleons. I looked at the letter in my hand and began to read it. As soon as I did I felt the train begin to move and realized it was officially happening and in nine hours, give or take, I was gonna be at a new school. I sighed and read what my mother had written.
Dear y/n
I know you have always been very hard headed and strong, and very very stubborn, but I also know this means you are very capable. But I didn't want to leave you in control of the reins completely until you get to know your new surroundings. I have put a pouch of coins in this envelope so you can go to the so called Hogsmeade and buy yourself a uniform and any books you may need. Don't worry about rushing to get it all done alone today. I have informed Albus and he will get you all settled tomorrow.
I know this may be scary but I also know you are more than ready. If you have any questions Albus will be there to help. I'm sure you will be very excited to see him again.
Best of luck,
Mom
Hmm wow ok that's pretty nice of her. A little shocked not gonna lie. And I was for sure excited to see Dumbledore. I hadn't seen him in three years but we were always very close. He was more of my grandfather than my real ones were. He would send holiday and birthday cards  to my sister and I all the time. I took some comfort knowing he was going to be there. I put the letter and the coin pouch back into my bag and took my wand out. Holding it my hand as I laid across the seat and closed my eyes. Hoping I could just sleep the whole way there, I was so tired from all the speed packing today, so that's exactly what I did.
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jpegjade · 4 years ago
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Void - Spencer
I’ve weighed whether or not to put this one out there. i’ve spent a day just sitting on it, editing, and rewriting some parts. i decided to put this out there bc i realize that i have friends here who go through the same things i do and it might help them. so to all my friends out there, old, new, or the ones i have yet to meet, i’m sorry we’re in this but i’m happy we’re in this together. 
Warnings: Okay so i will say this now and i mean it: if you are struggling with depression and feel uncomfortable during any point in this fic, do. not. read. the. rest. i tried to scale back a little bit bc i wrote it when i was having a really bad time (and probably still having that time rn lmao) so i didn’t include details and it’s a little bit ambiguous but it’s dealing with a hard topic: hopelessness and suicidal ideation. like i said, nothing graphic and no details but it is suggestive and real. so no fluff. 
__________________
The world is such a dark fucking place. There’s nothing good in the world. There’s nothing good for you to experience anymore. The world was a dark, tar colored hell. 
Nothing brought you joy. You could fake it so well on the surface, pretending the world was in color for you. The only colors you experienced were void of emotion, void of feeling, just void. The world around you was void of joy, happiness. There was nothing you wanted more than to escape. Any version of a sweet release would be perfectly fine. Something that you could deal with, some way to deal with the world. 
“Hey.” Spencer said, bringing you out of your thought bubble haze. He walked through the door, gripping his satchel.
“Hmm? Hey baby.” You plastered a fake smile on your face just for him. 
Spencer knew you were going through a rough time but he didn’t know exactly how bad it was. He didn’t know you had written notes for each of your family members and Spencer. He didn’t know that you thought about the easiest way to go, what required the most courage and the least amount of energy. He didn’t know you were scared to leave. 
“You look tired. Have you had a nap today?” He said, leaning down to give you a kiss on the cheek. 
“No, I’m okay. Just tired in general, I guess.” You said, watching him put his bag down. 
He came over to sit next to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders, pulling you close to him. He smelled like fall. You wondered if you would miss that, if you would miss him. Would you miss anything?
“Well, maybe we can relax together? Take a nap, watch a movie?” He looked down at you, stone faced as ever. 
“Yeah, maybe.” You said, staring off into the distance. Everything seemed to be off in the distance for you, all of it. The future, the past, now. It all seemed so far away from you. The world seemed so far away from you. 
“Are you okay? You don’t seem like you’re all the way here.” Spencer said, kissing the top of your head. 
“I’m just tired. Maybe I will take that nap with you.” You put on another fake smile, getting up to get something to drink from the kitchen. Everything was so exhausting, even Spencer. 
You hated that you felt that way. You loved Spencer with every part of you, you never wanted to let him go. But you just wanted to take off, go somewhere, escape. That’s all you thought about: escaping. 
“Hey, y/n? I’m going to get changed out of these clothes.” Spencer called, hoping you heard him. In one ear and out the other, just like everything else he said lately. 
You always felt so bad when it came to Spencer. He didn’t ask for this. He didn’t deserve to go through this. You didn’t want him to deal with you anymore but any time you brought it up to him, he promised you weren’t a burden. He always promised you weren’t a burden but you knew, deep down, that he was lying. He was lying to you in exchange for your lies to him, pretending you’re happy when you’re miserable. The two of you were lying to each other and to yourselves. He knew you weren’t okay but wanted to believe otherwise. You knew Spencer was attached to you but you pretended he was detached from your relationship. 
“Baby? Come lay with me?” Spencer called, being needy. You loved when he was needy when you felt well. When you were feeling good, you loved the fact that he was open to show a type of emotion, even after all he went through. 
“Only for a little while.” You called back, downing half a glass of water really quickly. 
You climbed into bed, curling into his lap in bed. He liked when he could hold you just as much as he liked being held. You sat there silently, annoyed with the fact that anyone was touching you right now. All you wanted was to disappear. 
“Can we talk?” Spencer mumbled. 
“Yeah, sure.” You really did try to sound upbeat but in the end, you weren’t able to do it. 
“How are you really doing? And please don’t lie... “ Spencer said, sighing. 
“Spence…” You just wanted everything to go away, just like this conversation. 
“Look, I know I can’t fix this. I have been looking for ways to make this better for you because you are suffering and I see it every day. I can’t… I don’t know how to stop it and I’m scared that you’re going to do something that I really can’t fix.” He said, slowly. 
“There’s no way to stop this.” You said, flatly. “You can’t stop it and neither can I. I’m beyond help. The meds don’t work. The therapy doesn’t work. The coping mechanisms dont fucking work and I’m so damn tired.” You said all that without emotion and it scared Spencer. 
These days, you scared Spencer more than any murderer did. His greatest fear was losing you and he fought to keep his head straight because he knew he had you. All this time, he knew he had you and it was terrifying him to think that you could be gone today, tomorrow, the day after that and he couldn’t do a thing to stop it. Could he?
“You can’t leave… Not like this…” Spencer said, trying to rack his brain of different responses that might help you. He couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t selfish, on his part. 
Everything he had to say was selfish. It was all about how he didn’t want you to go, how he would feel, how he would be affected when you were gone. Everything he thought of was about him and that frustrated him. He just wanted to help you, not try to guilt you into anything by making it about how he feels but… 
“Spencer, there’s no point. Okay? There’s no point in going through the motions anymore. I am in so much pain on the inside, nothing fills it. I am so tired. I feel alone constantly. I feel like there’s nothing left for me here. I am broken. I am broken. I am broken.” You started crying but you weren’t sure why. 
Spencer just pulled you close to him, feeling your body shaking. He couldn’t tell if it was anger or sadness or if you were just cold but your body wasn’t still. 
You tried to get up, get away from him, run, but he held you tighter. You just wanted to get out of that room, get out of your skin, get out of existence but Spencer wouldn’t let you. He just held you close and rubbed your back. 
“I can’t make you stay. I can’t give you this fake positivity. I won’t guilt you into staying. If you want to do this, it’s ultimately up to you. But what I can do is tell you that I love you. I loved you when I got to know you. I love you now. I will love you no matter what you decide to do.” Spencer said. He sounded so fragile, like he was going to break at any moment. 
“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Spence.” You said, numbly. “All I know is that I can’t live like this. I can’t survive like this. I wasn’t built to survive this and I’m so scared of what comes next…” 
There was a silence and you heard Spencer sniffle. He was truly at a loss for words. How could he miss that it was this bad? He was a profiler. He knew that everyone had an end game but he couldn’t tell if your endgame was leaving him or not, leaving this world or not. So he just sniffled and stayed quiet, trying to hold everything back. 
“Spencer?” 
“Hmm?” He responded, nervous. 
“What’s the easiest way to go? I’ve done research but… I wanted to ask my smartass boyfriend.” You chuckled and it turned sour. It wasn’t funny but it was a reflex. 
“Can we please not talk about this? I want to help you get better. I want to use all my energy trying to figure out how to help you feel like living is worth it. I don’t want to think about finding you…” Spencer’s voice caught in his throat. 
“Would you miss me?” You whispered, staring blankly at the wall feet in front of you. 
“Y/n…” Spencer paused. Your automatic thought was that he was going to pull bullshit out of his ass so you could feel better. You sighed, prepared for something generic. 
“You don’t realize the effect you have on people, on me. The world is so dark to you because you are a beacon of light. You are the lighthouse in everyone’s storm. That’s why everyone comes to you, looking for hope. You are a shining light and everyone sees it but you. Your world is dark because you look out and see nothing but the darkness, nothing but the storm.” 
Spencer’s breath wavered and you felt his thumb start moving across your thigh. He was nervous and fidgety, hoping he said the right words. 
“I miss you every moment I leave for work. I miss you on trips. I miss you at the office. I miss you whenever you’re not holding my hand. I miss you when you’re at work, when you can’t talk to me. I miss you. So yes, I would miss you if you weren’t here for me to come home to. And I know that might be comforting for a moment but at the end of the day, it’s not about me. It has never been about me. This is about whether or not you have the will to stay, whether or not you want to be here.” Spencer’s heart raced. 
“I guess you’re right.” You said, growing tired. You had a lot to think about.
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gundhams-pandemonium · 4 years ago
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Old Habits
Shuichi/Korekiyo, implied V3 Chap 3 spoilers But alternate universe (Non Despair/No killing Game/etc).
[Also posted on Ao3, ask for link if intrested!💕]
Shuichi, with half lidded eyes, sifted his fingers over and over through the long silky hair. There was no knots, the owner of the hair never slacked on his care for it, and yet it was a mesmerizing all the same. His hands glided like scissors cutting paper; so simple yet so satisfying.
He was so damned tired, with work that kept him up for hours and paperwork that gave his hands a work out. Not only that but his best friend's insistence on "working out at night" while gave him endurance left him utterly exhausted each night he came home.
However, despite that, he continues with this almost pointless motion. It was low energy, and calming. And the person beneath the lengthy hair let out the softest noises during such an activity, Shuichi couldn't resist hearing. They were in bed anyway, so it would be simple to fall asleep if it got too late.
"Dear, if you fall asleep like this, your fingers will be interlocked in my hair. And while I personally do not mind...I'm sure suddenly being jolted awake due to my hair getting tugged will do neither of us any good" Korekiyo murmered, his eyes long ago shut, yet not even the thought of sleep entered his mind.
"Hmm, I wont fall asleep yet," Shuichi insisted, though after finishing his sentance a yawn overtook him.
"Here, turn around," the other man said softly, gently moving the hand. The hair disconnected from his finger tips and for a second he felt sad. If his body would allow him he'd do it for hours upon hours. However be easily, and without hesitation, shuffled so he faced the other direction. He felt soft hands press against his shoulders, the tension that build up slowly releasing.
"I may not be anywhere near professional, but I learned a few tricks from mousses during my studies" the anthropologist continued to give him a light massage and Shuichi hummed back in gratitude "You are especially tense today... did something exceptional occur?"
"I wouldn't call it exceptional," His face scrunched together, the day had been rather rough. He just needed to find the right words on how to describe it. "Just... disappointing"
"Hmm, sometimes the day goes not how you wish it- yet you persevered through it. Soon you will drift to sleep and start a new day refreshed. Does that ease some of your disappointment?" Shuichi gave a small smile at his almost poetic words.
"A bit... its just- I know I dont talk much about work but we think we have a serial killer on our hands."
"How exciting," Kiyo continued to dance his slender fingers along his back.
"Not for me... we think they're an old one but they went dormant for so long... I'm sorry for talking about work. I know that its-" Shuichi began to tense up, any relaxation gone in an instant.
"It doesn't bother me, dear," He said the last word emphasized and tender " I'd rather you tell me about your day, then you obsess over it alone."
"Well, whomever they are they've been killing for awhile. However two years ago in September they suddenly stopped. They were one where almost weekly a case would be attributed to them. Now, I don't exactly belive they killed all those people, but a fairly decent amount... The department has always wanted to find them, even when they stopped for two years. But I never wanted to take it..." his voice trailed off, eyes heavy and fluttering shut.
"How odd... is your department sure that this is the same person from before?" He pressed into a particularly tight joint.
"Ehh, the exact details aren't supposed to be released but they are almost postive... I suggested the possibility of a copy cat but I hardly belive the theory myself," His voice was softer before, and he struggled to keep his sentence from fading off into nothing. His partner most definitely saw this, for he gently guided him down to a pillow.
"Do not fret, love," The term he rarely used, making it all the sweeter "sleep well, know that I am right beside you." The detective murmered something in reply but it was incomprehensible. Nevertheless, he felt the warmth of his reply; it was most likely supposed to be along the lines of "love you, goodnight".
He watched the rise and fall of his chest, the other soon was in a peaceful deep sleep. However the anthropologist's inner turmoil had only just begun. This news... was unsettling.
"... I'm so sorry dear. As the saying goes, old habits die hard. And I was doing so well not to regress... oh well, I can only hope nothing more becomes of it" With that, the whispers that no one but the air knew, complete silence filled the room.
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ificanwriteiscannon · 5 years ago
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True Love -Snow White!Harry x Evil Queen!Reader AU 
 N\A: The pictures and the characthers dont belong to me (I wish!). Just put them together. Pics found in Pinterest.
N\A2: There’s talk of strangulation and violence. iIt’s not that detailed, but be warned if you intent to read. 
English is not my first language so I’m sorry for any mistake..Hope you guys like it!!
The little girl ran as fast as she could with the pompous dress her family had dressed her. She felt as one of the animals from the farm, ready to be slaughtered.
“You are not from the castle” The boy’s voice alerted her and Y\N turned with anger and tears in her eyes. “Who are you?” The boy asked approaching, curious.
“Not that it may be from your interest stable boy, but I am to be queen” the boy laughed and it only angered Y\N more “WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?”
“Well, for starters I am no stable boy. And secondly, you can’t be queen, you’re my age..”
“My family decided that, when I am of certain age, I will marry the future king” The girl replied trying to be proud of her decided destiny.
“Than I am sure we will be great friends as the future king is my brother...”
 ……………………………………………………………………………………………
 “They say she killed the king as he slept..”  
 “Rumors say she used dark magic..”
 “She stabbed him herself. People say that she left the room with blood all over herself”  
 The queen rolled her eyes and slammed her fist against the table, the sound echoing though the enormous room.
“This doesn’t satisfy me.. Fulfill your role and bring me something decent ” Y\N motioned to the dinner as she cautiously drank her wine. From a farm girl she was sure that it was more than satisfying. The queen would make sure that the dinner end up secretly in the hands of those who needed it. Not that any of the servants would know that it was her doing, of course.
“Yes my queen” One of the women replied with her head low, taking the dinner
Y\N observed the quiet, big diner room. This was never what she wanted. She didn’t want to be queen. She didn’t want to be married to prince Zayn. Neither she wanted to kill him, as many assumed.
King Zayn was kind and fair to his people. And in the beginning, Y\N thought that maybe they could be happy together.. Oh how wrong she was. King Zayn was in love with a commoner, but after he was set to marry, the girl ran away and was never seen again. Y\N felt for him, but she was just as a victim of that situation as he was…
In a night out with his knights, her king came drunk and tried to kill her as he accused her from taking his life and freedom from him. Y\N was almost asleep as she felt his hands on her neck. She had no choice.. The words came from her mouth instantly as she searched for air. The king stood paralyzed and the queen cried.. She had no choice.. Zayn moved to attack her again and as he approached her, she pulled her dagger from her bedside table.
She set the scene and even cut herself.. An attack towards the royal family, she said. Y\N wore black and was crowned in the next days. No one spoke more of it. Well, no one except the bastard.. The king’s brother, Harold, Y\N’s only confidant and her secret love since the day she met him in the stables.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, what should I do for my love to call?” The queen sadly walked in front of the mirror as the fairy appeared in all her golden glory. The tall fairy had long black hair, adorned with her short golden dress and her equal gilded wings.
“My queen,” The fairy bowed with an angry frown in her face, unnoticed by Y\N who walked from side to side with her wine in hands.
“Show me him..” As soon as she asked, the mirror presented her with images of her loved one. Harry.. Oh, how he had matured. He was immersed in papers and Y\N was sure those were plans to dethrone and maybe even kill her.. “He hates me.. Harry will always hate me” She whispered to herself, letting a tear roam to her face.
“My queen, if you allow me the intermission, I do think you should kill the bastard son. People are starting rumors about crowning him. I believe the people from the village call him Snow White, the savior.. He lives with dwarves, my queen!” In the last part the fairy appeared with a disgusted face.
“Enough! Do not forget that I am queen.. You serve me mirror. Therefore, show me him again and no more words unless I ask you..”
“Yes, your majesty”
…………………………………………………………………………………………
“Snow, need anything?” The blond dwarf asked Harry, as he smiled of the sweet nickname.
“No, thank you Niall. We worked a lot today, you should go rest”
“Nah, I had worse.. Besides you look like you may need someone to talk to” Niall sat at the floor watching the storm approach with his friend.
“Even after all this time.. After all she did..”
“You still love her..” Niall completed as Harry lowered his head, playing with the grass underneath him. “You never gave her the chance, mate.. You should, if you love her as much as you seem to”
“SHE KILLED MY BROTHER” Harry stood up, filled with anger and tears in his eyes
“Well, people say he tried to kill her first..” Niall shrugged
“Y\N surrendered to magic.. To wicked magic, as that mirror is blinding her. They call her evil queen now. She is cold and heartless. Y\N is no longer the woman I loved. No longer the little girl I met” Harry sadly replied, sitting again.
“They say true love cures all.. No bad magic can triumph that”
“If true love was easy wed all have it, Niall”
As a new day started, Harry and his mates prepared to leave the small cottage a knock came from the door.
“WOW A BASKET OF APPLES! LOOK MATES” Niall entered the house with the enormous hamper
“Oh give me one of those, I am famished” Louis got up from his spot
“No no no, if someone gets to eat first that someone is me” Liam interfered.
Harry chuckled, and as his friends argued, he stole one of the red, beautiful apples. As he bit, his face went pale, his breaths became shallow and his hands searched for support on the wall. It was a failure and everything went black..
“NOOOO…WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU MONSTER” The queen yelled, tied by her hands on the floor.
“What I always advised you to do and you were too weak to do” The fairy walked free from the cursed mirror. “Your energy was too easy and too tempting not to steal, with your powers, my queen” The fairy mocked, walking around the throne room “I’ll conquer the world. And now,” The golden fairy sat in front of the queen and positioned her hands by the Y\N’s crown. As the beast admired the golden jewel, Y\N freed herself and stabbed the fairy. Her eyes instantly became black as she screamed. Yes, she was strong, but not enough, the queen correctly assumed.
As the golden fairy turned black then dust, the mirror brook, and the queen ran through the castle. She could see in the eyes of her servants, their red eyes and paralyzed corpses, evil magic.  Still she ran to the stables.. She ran to him..
Y\N did not need guidance as she knew the place well, but still she observed and followed the birds that flew in the correct direction..
The queen did not remember ever running so fast as her hoarse stopped by the cottage.
There he was. The apple by his side as well as his friends.
“You’re too late, your majesty” One of the dwarves whispered containing his tears, Y\N nodded trying to hide hers as well.
“This is all my fault..” The queen whispered as she approached the small tree bed where Harry’s body laid.
“Oh I know! Kiss him your majesty”
“Louis, please, read the moment”
“No, no, no.. It’s something Niall always talks about.. If it works, it can wake Harry”
“Oh the true love kiss! Yes, yes!”
“Do you really mean it? But what if-“
“No ‘what ifs’, your majesty. A true love kiss is the most powerful magic” The one she identified as Niall replied.. Y\N analyzed them all again
“Well, it’s better than nothing right?!” As the one she recognized as Liam said that, Y\N left a small kiss in her lover’s lips.
Wind blew strongly, and the dwarves held their hats. The sun came out from behind the clouds and the summer breeze seemed to hug every piece of the forest.
Harry sat up with a gasp, and Y\N walked a few steps behind as his friends happily moved towards him.
“What-What happened?” Harry asked groaning with his hand on his head
“You were cursed…” Louis started helping his friend to stand
“By an apple..” Niall added
“But then you were saved ..”
“By a true love kiss..” Niall interrupted again, gaining a glare from Louis.
“That is impossi…” As Harry started, he focused on her. The woman balancing on her heels with tears covering her face, her eyes glued on the ground as if her life depended on it. He knew it then, that deep down she was still that little  girl he met years ago. “You saved me”
“Well, my mirror was the one who cursed you, so I had to undo the harm she did..”
“No way! You did it because you love him”
“Ook, Niall, we should give them privacy” Liam said pulling his friend inside, muttering an apology.
“I’m sorry” both said at the same time as the dwarves had gone. The couple chuckled and Harry took Y\N’s hands in his.
“I do believe the both of us got a lot to apologize and a lot to work on..” Y\N focused in their intertwined hands and smiled “And I can’t promise you that it will be easy..”
“Well Harry, true love is never easy” Y\N smiled as Harry nodded and hugged her.
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shiro-0197 · 4 years ago
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aw shiro, my love, don't worry about it!! i only hope you're okay and safe :d please only reply when you're free, and don't feel bad about it!! >:(
my day yesterday was okay, i've just been relaxing, and studying occasionally. went out to explore a nearby town too, it's so pretty there. and much colder (since it's a highlands) of course!! Today was great too. I bought doughnuts (they're amazing?? I love doughnuts), and I had instant ramen, but it was SO spicy I nearly died. (Three bottles of water later, because someone finished all the milk in the household *cough* me *cough*) and I'm still just reeling. Sucks having such low spice tolerance HAHA. I'm listening to some old school hip-hop rn, while typing this out :D how were your two days?
here are some i'll be using to teach english :d and that would honestly be much appreciated, he's getting on my last nerve rn. (I included the first few, what do you think?)
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thats such a priceless feeling i so totally agree. you're so precious 🥺🥺 i'm sure they're prouder thank you imagine. you're so dedicated!! i'm sure all that extra research you've done will definitely pay off. it's good that you know what the job is roughly like, so you'll be really prepared when you finally do start it. you know that one scene, in the 2nd season of the great pretender? when the chinese mafia boss emphasizes the importance of a translator in literally everything? (like that book award example) i may be getting the thing muddled up, but i found that so cool. like yeah, a book or speech could be absolutely beautiful, but if everyone can't enjoy it due to it being a different language, it would be such a shame. i just find translators really important. sorry, i'm really dorky haha 🥺🥺
awww but i think your personality type is wonderful. a lot of my favourite characters are intj (they're all so precious istg grrrr) yes!! i was in a tooru brainrot yesterday too 😭😭😭 (saw a bunch of couples on my walk, and I was like "if only Tooru was real grrrr") and yes?? there'd be so much to learn from each and every one of them. dedication from hinata, savage lines from tsukki, kindness from yams/yachi, how to be a dork 101 from atsumu. aaaah 😭😭i'm sorry they're all so wonderful.
No pftttt I totally feel you. I saw some people without masks today and I was like "bro wtf" and just really loudly said "I sure hope everyone starts following the rules so the cases don't increase" because I'm a lil bitch like that xD
awww okay!! I'll definitely keep that in mind. Mayo makes everything better, tbh >.< aww that's understandable! I don't have specific preferences but hearing the phrase "soggy cheese" makes me want to cry somewhere :( I don't like nuts in chocolate. I'm very passionate about that? XD ikr??
I'm surprised too, I usually never pass on murder, but I guess you're just special like that 👉👈 sir I'd get married to you as many times as you'd like 😼 oops sorry for being cheesy, but—you like cheese ;)
U
I won't ask why, don't worry. Since I kinda feel the same about Malaysia tbh. It's a love hate relationship, I think HAHA but yeah 😣😣 i don't look up to US at all, and it sucks because people generally do. And I'm just like ;-; why (no offense to Americans tho lol)
is that even legal omg they're so chaotic?? XD how cute tho. Angel does stuff like that all the time too, but I'd never know that when I first met her (she has the most perfect exterior, and then when you get to know her; she's the biggest dork) Schools opening on the 20th, I can't wait to see her then :] (I can, however, wait for the exams which are scheduled for the 25th ugh)
peanut butter is indeed yellow, not up for discussion hehe :) here's my favourite hues!! I love gentle, soft hues like these (pastels) , for yellow; I don't have a favourite. they're all wonderful
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ahhh no that's so precious of you!! :)) I'm smiling rn.
yeah skdhskdjsk I'M JUST SO GRRR. Whenever someone goes "hey Ari can you ______" and we both respond?? The tension?? In the air?? Bro skdjskks. 😔🤚 You share a name with one of the most precious characters too tho!!;
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This is Shiro from Voltron hehe. I love him so much, just like I love you (tho I'm sure we both know I love you more <3)
I share a name with a book character. His name is Aristotle Mendoza, but his crush-turned-boyfriend calls him "Ari" (which has been my nickname since I was 12). Reading it for the first time was the BEST feeling ever. It's also my favourite book, "Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe".
—Ari :D (no pfttt I love the tag so much. I have my own tag, that's like the best thing ever 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺)
Heyyy I'm so sorry for answering so late!! I know you said not to apologize but..... well hmm no excuse I just feel like apologizing, but either way thank you for your patience!!♡ This is the third time I'm rewriting this, and this time I'm doing this in my notes because fuck it😔
Im glad to hear that!! Highlands are always so pretty. Wish we had those here, but it's only steppe here:( Boring~ ooh, donuts!!! They're really good. I havent much, but I tried them like 3 times and they're so good. I really hope I will get to eat more<3 also WHAT'S THOSE NOODLES' NAME I WANNA KNOW- Are you feeling okay now, though? XD
My days were nice!!! Felt as if I had been hiding three bodies, but I've been feeling better lately. We had online school yesterday so I'm excused from the errands for the half of the day, thankfully. But your messages make me very happy. Though I dont always feel like writing a response (or I get stressed because it doenst save) so very sorry for that😔
Ohh those look so pretty!! I'd totally join to just look at them. The colors are so nice🥺 it looks like one of our olympiad prep slides, though better. I dont have the screenshots sadly😩 Either way I really love the little details like the squiggly thingies or the Ж .... they seem unnecessary but the energy changes a lot without them hehe
I really hope they will be🥺 that'd mean a lot to me. And I'm also really hopeful itll work out. I really don't wanna disappoint my family, which is literally just one person. The less people there are, the more it hurts, you know?
Yeah, that scene meant so much to me!! I dknt remember much, but I was very happy they said something like that, because I've been told being a translator wont work out for me. Now look at me, I'm about to tell them to fuck themselves<3 I was also so surprised to see Laurent know that many languages ..... I aspire to be like him😩 And honestly, I havent though so deep of that but you opened my eyes and now I'm about to float off into the next universe😭 dont apologize though, its very cute!!!♥︎♥︎
Heheh, I guess you're right.. every single anime INTJ is a silent sexy mastermind and I love them . ... YEAH every single time I see a passing couple i cry because I dont have anyone 😡💔 and sometimes when I see people doing something amusing (which includes people failing cuz I'm evil) I just imagine one of the characters doing that and I smile all the way xD Honestly, I'd sell my father on black market for a single day with one of them:( though that may sound like a really low price because his cigarette filled lungs wouldnt cost a lot... I sound like my 7th grade self again I'm so sorry
BAHQHHANEJWJD I HOPE THEY WERE EMBARRASED. I HOPE THEY FELT AWKWARD AND OTHER PEOPLE DID TOO, they deserve it. Like, learn your lesson bitch, it's been a year!
Yeah!!! I love mayo, not to the point where I would gulp it down from the package, but it does make dishes taste good. Same, soggy cheese on itself sounds like a dish served in the ninth circle of hell. You should try nuts in honey!! Like, just straight up dip them in honey. Sounds weird, and it doesnt always taste NEJFJKSKF (depends on the honey)but I think it's worth trying xD Walnuts are the best with honey I think
That was so funny ... TOO FUNNY, I LAUGHED FOR LIKE . 3MINUTES STRAIGHT and I do not laugh when I'm tired. You really are special 😭😭😭😭 cheesy ... HAHRNFJJSF
I'm so sorry for being a bully like that but it's so funny how you left a single U there . Its so mysterious, was it in purpose? Or were you lost in the excitement if messaging me?
I was one of those people, honestly 😭 but mostly because I wasnt aware of its political condition, I guess. Maybe theres more than just politics that's bad about US, but honestly, it has more opportunities than this hellfire. Though now I'm more into Norway and Japan. Really wanna travel there :(
Heheh, yeah, we never really show off to strangers at first. I dont know what exactly I mean by we, but you get my point ♡ Good luck though!! I hope it goes well for you<3
Oh they looks so pretty!! They're really wonderful. Like bubblegum and cotton candy and literally anything sweet... it's so cute !!! And I totally agree, there isnt a bad yellow.
HAHAH, honestly, that reminds me of how there were 4 people with the same name in my class, and whenever the teacher did the attendance thing, they would all stand up. Teachers usually dont say the last names, so we always gotta ask which person they mean if theres more than one person with that name, so yeah.. That happened on accident at first, but then they just did it for trolling xD
OH MY GOD HES SO PRETTY? HES SO PRECIOUS?? HUHHH??? I gotta thank Kuro for this wonderful opportunity of sharing a name with someone like .... him🥺
Oh that's so cool!! Also, he has a boyfriend ... I really need to start reading xD it's so cute though! It sounds like such a good book, I'm glad you share a name with him, hehe!!
I also share my real name with one of the characters in a kids' show, and its SO ugly, I'm in pain. Every time my friends see one of those on TV they go
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Which is a pain in the ass, it's so embarrassing...........
Awh, okay!! I'm glad you love it, cuz I do too. Because it's your name.... cuz I love u. That was so lame PLEASEJWJDJSJF I HOPE YOUR DAY WAS GREAT !!! LOVE YOU
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httpsjjun · 4 years ago
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hi!! idk if this came in late because ive been a bit busy lately😓 but i hope your day is wonderful and happy sunshine sun WOW! ya know?? if it isnt, i hope this will make your day a little brighter than it was because you deserve all the happiness😁😁 also, i saw your carrd earlier and ITS SO PRETTY. if only i could make mine like that😭
so these are some groups i ult, (by some, i probably mean a lot) seventeen, ateez, bts, etc. i dont want to go too into detail because then i’d just name everyone hehe. based on my memory, i believe you wrote that you liked jeonghan and beomgyu! jeonghan is one of my biases and so is beomgyu!! i was going to get into enhyphen but i learned astro because i was having an eunwoo moment💀 which is funny because my bias is rocky now. idk if you stan astro so imma stop talking kdjjsjsn
a hobby i really enjoy doing is painting/drawing. its really helps me relax and wind down from a stressful week or something. so im expecting to be painting by the end of this week loll. i also enjoy playing or watching sports! i wasnt able to watch the game this sunday because i had so much work to do agh stress.
anyway, thats all for now because i dont want to say too much😭 stay safe and i hope youre doing well🥺🥺
-🪐 anon
wah~ adding a read more because i talk a lot 😭
wait before i answer! can i ask what time zone you’re in? 😅 it’ll probably be easier for both of us to wish each other a good day! (i’m pacific standard time!)
i love your energy! that definitely made me smile today hehe! i had a pretty good day today hehe. how about you? i hope you had a wonderful day!!
feel free to use my carrd as inspo for yours! i got mine from a youtube video because i can’t do things 😭 but it was so fun omg! i’m adding the link here if you want it!
ah~ seventeen is like my ult ult! they’re my happy group (i’m not sure if i can saty comfort group cuz i read smthing about that being offensive...) ah a beomgyu and jeonghan stan!! 🥰🥰 yes yes!! i love enhypen omg! if you want to get into them, i recommend watching enhypen&hi (that’s their predebut reality show hehe) i would recommend watching i-land but i’m not sure how you would feel. like some people dont want to cuz they don’t want to get attached to members who didn’t make the final cut... sooo
omg i love astro! i know the members and i listen to all of their songs but i don’t think i would call myself an actual stan since i don’t watch anything of theirs or know their personalities (everyone has a different definition of ‘stanning’ and this is kinda mine hehe) rocky always catches my attention! like i kinda fall in love with dancers like wow~ i admire how they move and how good they look! i guess that’s what kinda got me into dancing! hehe~
painting and drawing sounds really fun! i guess i could say i can draw, but i will always be mad that my parents didn’t make me do art from when i was little to now! like come on! i could be some amazing artist but here i am, stressing about what to put on my college apps 😭 but im so happy thay painting helps you relax! (when the event is over, i would love to see some of your work!! ☺️)
i don’t really watch sports but i guess you can say i can play basketball and volleyball hehe. im not sure if i still can cuz it’s been like a year since i last touched a ball 😅
don’t worry about talking a lot hehe! i learned from one of my moots that talking a lot means your comfortable with someone, so i’m flattered hehe! 💕 thank you for stopping by to talk to me!! 😚 (and i didn’t realize how long this got😅 i guess i ramble a lot)
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dolphin-enthusiast · 4 years ago
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lovely evening, my beloved morgane! 🌹💖🌛💌 are you doing alright darling?? i saw you got some work done today, good for you!! even if it's such little things like answering asks, or writing headcannons, i'm always so happy and proud of you!! i do wish that you have been eating and sleeping well lately (and relaxing of course!) meanwhile, i wasn't as productive as i would've liked to be 😅 (1/9)
"my narcolepsy really flared up, so i woke up about halfway through the entire day! ahhh i was so upset about that!! but, nothing a cup of tea and scrolling your page couldn't fix 😉 and in all serious, you all flatter me too much!! i assure you that i'm far from a goddess or princess or anything so ethereal, as much as i'd love to be hehehe! oh my, you all are too good to me as always, i don't deserve all of that kindness 💕 (2/9)
and i must say, those vegas au picrews were so wonderful!!! i love all the little details included, not to mention that you look absolutely stunning morgy dear!! 🥰 oh, and that ace attorney au sounds so cute! i can't help but smile when i think about it ❤ (3/9)
despite waking up so late, i did do my daily check up with the garden and the bunnies, and they seemed happy to see me! i also had to go food shopping for my parents, which almost went awry actually,, i was trying to get some plums and pomelos when i started feeling really lightheaded... and i almost passed out 😖 (4/9)
i think it happened because of both the narcolepsy and how hot it was,, though it was embarrassing watching people crowd around me, but luckily, this nice woman took me to the break room and got me a water, she was so kind and understanding! i'm glad i didn't lose consciousness, but the staff decided to give me my groceries for free, so that was nice!! (5/9)
awaaa,, narcolepsy is very frustrating to live with! especially when catatonic episodes come on, then i can't move! despite all of the annoying and (sometimes) dangerous symptoms, lots of people tell me it gives me character?? (6/9)
i don't really understand that, but apparently many people say it's cute haha, my family even nicknamed it my "ragdoll mode" normally, i'm forced to have people accompany me when i go out in case of situations like this,, since my family and friends were taught to catch me/carry me in case of these flare-ups.. i guess i just wanted a little me time hehehe ✨ (7/9)
despite all of that craziness, i did get to play minecraft with the one and only gundhanon! i figured out how to set up crossplay, and had a lovely time! (i even got to visit the dip court 😖❤ oooh, that reminds me of when all of the anons spammed me with "play minecraft with morgane!!" asks, i guess that's another thing on the list? 😘 (8/9)
my my,, it's extremely late now, i should get going!! well then, until tomorrow love, take care of yourself for me~!! 💞💞💞 - much much much love, the very sleepy waifu 💗💗💗💗💗💗 ps: hmm.. maybe we can get drunk together someday hehe~ 💓 (9/9)"
It really does sound like narcolepsy is one hell of a bitch darling but they arent wrong it somehow? Gives u character?? Like it just makes u special in a way ig jeehhd (idk how to words) and i have to admit it IS oddly cute....ngl i'd gladly watch over u and catch u whenever the ragdoll mode kicked in-
B u t i also gotta tell u once again that not being fully productive isnt a sin (also dont even get me started i literally wake up at noon bc i dont sleep at night lmao)...i myself slacked off a little the past days and my dumbass needs to not only finish haikyuu but also draw and write (other than on this blog) more....n e w a y s im impressed to hear that gundhanon played mc with u ksxhhxd it must be an h o n o r to visit the mighty dip court👁️👁️
And obvs u deserve all the compliments darling i mean hell i have never heard of someone like u before who literally has hoards of animals come to her on a daily basis and who overall radiates chaotic angel energy😳😳😳
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impactrueno · 5 years ago
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Maybe a basic question, but how have you been? It's so good to see you again!
thanks! ive been okay all things considered. i feel like my mental health has improved and im trying to keep it that way. these days i spend most of my time taking care of the house and my grandma, which ngl has been kinda tough because then i dont have a lot of time and energy to work on art...but now that i got this ipad i can sit down and draw wherever she is so i can keep an eye on her. shes not super frail by any means, but her head is not all there anymore so i need to keep her from going into the kitchen and trying to cook or whatever...
i wish i had more to say but thats just pretty much how my life has been lately. 2018-2019 was an absolute wreck of a year and it took me until now to feel like im starting to get over it. without going into detail, i went through some trauma im still recovering from. we had a mass country-wide blackout last year that lasted for about a week and it was quite the post-apocalyptic experience. now we’re all paranoid as fuck when the power flickers lmao. dont be too surprised if it happens again.
but yeah, thats how ive been. slowly getting better (for reals this time, hopefully)
today i am feeling good! kinda hungry cuz i havent had breakfast yet. i should go do that
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all-of-your-mercy · 4 years ago
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I’ve been juggling between two sides of the coin but rather them being my negative and positive temparemtns (moods), and I think I really couldn’t physically function except for finals because I already went so far to go through with this i thought i would have an elaborate “essay” or post thing detailing why i practically made myself non existent and seemed like i was gone gone/if not dead (with 2 ppl kind of helping my mental stability as much as they can/able to/bc playing a therapist issnt a focus to them and i dont want it to be like that), but I really don’t have the energy for that either because all was just wasted on problems that just drowned me from wanting to do anything at all
i have been having a pretty big identity crisis and sense of purpose and,. honestly i was <> this close just to starting over completely with people, etc etc and such because i just didn’t want myself to go through long periods of time and end up scarying some ppl just because i barely made a skid mark/trace of existence for some days even tho i really didn’t feel like it was a lot and i thought it was just 3 days at best, but then i saw the distance between some exams and then i was like oh
under this i will just say briefly what exactly messed with me this time and still does and it’s just. making me randomly dysfunctional or just working 50/50 all the time (having this before the keep reading bcs its important and u can avoid reading the stuff later:) i still feel somewhat fake for even saying this, because at the same day, i will actually feel really good and have a great day or eat something nice or enjoy the weather, but then this happens in such fool force that i feel like this is normalcy to not have something in between, but instead to different side of the coins that decide for you how you will feel today, or how you will feel later/sooner in the day i still dont have energy to talk rlly and im just writing this because i am a scaredy cat ats best, and i just dont want to talk to ppl right now a lot because i really wont say much or just will do small talk and really just do nothing. i am not trying to vague post but its incredibly hard rn so take this with a grain of salt and understand that im just like this right now and i would rather be like this + boozed up so i dont really have to think about thigns right now as much i dont have the energy to do problem solving
trigger warnings in the tags and dont look w curiosity and trigger yourself if those things aren’t okay for you to read into
- i have been working v hard not to get an eating disorder/starve myself because i cant be patient for future results of weight loss, so sometimes i had time where i would rely on my forgetfullness not to eat but it didnt really work out because of finals and i felt much worse during one of them that i just had to eat something before i gave in and sorta. just keep thinking about it but i strive not to and already sorta ate properly so theres a chance itll be gucci eventually - i am having an identity crisis that i just really have a hard time knowing myself really. the least/last thing i could say is that i could call myself red, thats it. i dont know if i am trans, or a female, or a man, or nb, or anything else. its hard to be decivisive of this when people like you for when you are that fits their want, or the opposite ... or those ppl who dont care but you still feel like some ‘‘‘‘trender’‘‘ for not knowing about sort of things right away. i already juggled between being okay female and then not, then saying i am trans, and then not being one, and then rinse and repeat. im trying to currently scramble an idea that could have some middle ground and one that wouldnt make me do body changes yet because i dont know if i can commit to something like transitioning because i am scared that i just had such poor image that i hoped to be otherwise or something along the lines - my self image is already poor but it has gone poorer, to the point that i really feel just ill looking at myself lately, even more so if i look into the right side of my face and just see the type of proportions/facial structure that i really dont want to own to begin with - i did go through some stuff when i was an older teen -- and i thought i would adapt to them when i was older because its been years now and i am perfectly safe from of that event happening again. lately i have been hearing things i dont want about a thing or two about someone and the more its mentioned the more i just want to cut off my chest // since i am bio female and just want to actually yell till i have a sore throat (??)
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