#i wont go back to that pool until they change the setup

[abirddogmoment]

it's -25C right now (negative) so i booked the new dog pool for rory (positive) but it turns out it shares a space with a yucky dog daycare so it was horribly loud and smelled awful (negative) and the pool had just been cleaned (positive) so the water was frigid (negative) but rory swam somewhat enthusiastically (positive) and burned some energy (positive) even though some of that was through straight up stress from the environment (negative) but she delighted everyone there (positive) including me with her model citizen behaviour (positive) and i bought her some really fun snacks from the bougie pet store next door (positive) so i think we net positived out about it.

[mysocalledreality]

I’ve always had this secret that not many people know.

To the average person this is just a closet, a door, a place to hold clothes. But to me this simple little room had thousands of demons hiding inside. This is the first time I have opened this door in five years. To take this picture. Why am I taking this picture you ask? Well let me explain

December 22, 2011, 8:55 PM

The night i had decided to take my own life. I remember this day so vividly

This wasnt the first time I had attempted suicide, I had tried a few months prior by downing a whole bottle of bernadryl and vodka but i just slept for two days. I remember waking ups so upset with myself. This time was different, I was determined this was going to work, Mom was in her room watching TV, my baby sister had just been put to bed. The night was the scarieset time of the day for me. I never understood why, I always just knew that when the sun started to set, anxiety would always kick in. I remember sitting by the wopen window looking at the icy water and the traffic on the highway 

The air was still, cold, the room was quiet, collecting dust from not being used for a while after our last foster kids moved out. I remember for a split second, I shut my eyes and took in what i thought would be my last deep breathe of that crisp cool air when I shut my eyes and saw my entire life flash before me, Then all of a sudden i felt this weird feeling, almost like a terrified happy feeling. So I thought to myself, why am I feeling low key happy in a moment like this. So I had to fix it, with the one way I knew how. All of the sudden that happiness turned to rage, so I ran down stairs and grabbed the biggest knife I could find. Usually I would go for my arms or legs but as usual I Blacked out. All I remember from that moment was picking up the knife and seeing it on the floor in a pool of blood.I felt my shoulder and realized that I had carved my shoulder up pretty bad. So I ran back upstairs knowing that my next move would change my life forever. I sat at the door of the closet and wrote my final goodbyes

“ I love you so much, I’m sorry for all the pain ive caused you, I’m sorry I couldnt be the perfect son or bother you wanted, Im sorry ill never amount to anything you wanted out of me. I’m just a failure like i’ve always said. But dont worry, you and babygirl will have an amazing life without this burden behind you holding you back, Its ok. I need to do this for everyone, I promise you wont even miss me”

I put on my favorite outfit and did my makeup for the last time, put the letter in my pocket and began. I could taste the end coming, I stood on the stool, feeling my air getting slimmer as I sway back and fourth tightening the belt more and more until everything went fuzzy, then right as I was about to kick the door with me on the hook shut I heard a little voice.

“big brother is that you crying? are you ok?” 

I didnt respond, I figured it would be easier for her or mom to find me dead so I couldnt see the reaction. She started to walk up the stairs, at that moment I knew I had two choices, Take one step forward and make their worst dreams become a reality, Or untie that belt that was just a few seconds from taking everything away from you off. Those few seconds felt like hours. I felt my heart racing, my legs shaking, my palms sweating then all of the sudden I stepped back. Untied the belt, and closed the door. I ran back into my room in a split second so that she would have no idea what happened. 

As she went downstairs to go back to bed I had a thought, 

I stood up, went back into the other room and stared at my setup for about four hours, contemplating, reading over my letter over and over again, looking at my arms and legs and all the damage I had done to myself, then I looked in the mirror. I saw someone who I couldn’t even recognize. I heard my voice, saw my body but It wasnt me. I had no idea who this person I was looking at was. I looked at myself for a harsh minute then saw a picture of my baby sister and my mother on my mirror. Smiling at me as bright as the sun. I looked back up and said to myself “What the hell are you doing?!” 

In this moment I realized I nneded to do something. I took a deep braethe took the longest shower I had ever had in my life then went upstaris and cleaned spottless what I was about to do and locked that door. I havent opened it in since a year ago because of the flashbacks.. But the whole moral of this story isnt to show everyone my suicide attempt, but to show how you can grow. I’m going to post a part two to this post with a little project I have been working on as a part of my recovery and I’m super excited to share it with you guys! 

Now I want to finally say, thank you to everyone who read this whole post {I know I ramble a lot} It means the world to me. And also that recovery takes time, I’ve been clean of all self injury since 2013 and my last suicide attempt was this exact one, and I still to this day deal with a trauma I put myself through. But if I can find the light at the end of the never ending tunnel and be sitting here almostr 9 years after the attempt. You can do it to. And sometimes all it takes is one person to snap you out of that mind set, For me it was my sister. And still to this day she has no idea she legit saved my life. 

I love you guys!  

[saxonspud]

Outcast - Chapter 17

Just want to say thank you to everyone who sent me asks and private messages of support yesterday. Without your help, this story would have probably not been continued, so I dedicate this chapter to you. I hope you enjoy.

The trip from horseshoe overlook was all but made in silence. By the time Lenny arrived back, you had been lead to the wagon by Tilly, and all that remained to pack up, were the tents.

Dutch drove the wagon, and as promised, you sat beside him. Neither of you spoke. He knew what a serious undertaking this was, and he also knew how much this was going to hurt you. But it was what you wanted.

Lenny rode ahead, guiding the convoy of wagons. He dropped back once to ride next to Dutch.

“What's going on Dutch? I left Charles at the new camp, and he’s doing some weird stuff.” Lenny questioned.

Dutch sighed, “Don’t worry about it son, it’s complicated, but Charles… He knows what he’s doing.”

Dutch glanced at you, but his face was expressionless. You had a feeling he didn’t know exactly what he was going to be expected to do. You were pretty sure that Charles would tell him, when the time came. He’d already told you that Charles knew what your lore and customs were.

He looked back at Lenny, “did Arthur go for Micah?”

Lenny nodded, glanced at you and carried on leading the convoy.

After about an hour, Lenny turned up a secluded path, through some trees. Not unlike the path which lead to Horseshoe overlook.

The sun was beginning to sit lower in the sky, although it wasn’t yet beginning to set.

Charles walked over to the wagons as they came to a halt.

He looked up at Dutch, “do you want to do this tonight, there should be time before the sun sets?” he asked.

Dutch glanced at you, then at Charles.

“Yes, I want to get this over with as soon as I can,” he glanced at you, “for both of us.”

Charles nodded. “Then you better walk with me, so I can explain how it will go.”

Dutch nodded, and climbed off the wagon.

He looked up at you, “stay there Nizhoni, until its time?”

You nodded. You gripped onto the seat of the wagon, with your good hand. Your heart beating faster than normal. You knew all to well what was going to happen. You had been through it before with your people in the mountains. Last time, you were dragged kicking and screaming. Control taken away from you. This time you were giving control to someone else to do exactly the same, which was a lot more frightening.

Dutch called across to Susan, “Can you get my tent setup first, then the medical supplies sorted?”

Susan glanced at you then back at Dutch and nodded, before chivvying everyone up to get working.

Dutch then continued his walk with Charles. You hoped that Dutch wouldn’t change his mind when he realised what he would have to do.

Everyone in the gang knew what you had asked Dutch to do, and why. They knew as much as Dutch about the actual ceremony, which wasn't much. That was of course, with the exception of Charles.

As you sat on the wagon, you heard footsteps and looked down to see Abigail.

She went to touch you with her hand, a comforting gesture, but you quickly moved away.

“I’m sorry,” she began, “I forgot,” she hesitated, “I’m sorry Nizhoni, I cant stay. I don't want Jack to see this, I hope you understand,” she concluded, her voice cracking.

You couldn’t see her clearly, but you guessed by the tone of her voice that she was upset.

“Nizhoni understand. Boy too young to watch,” you agreed.

Abigail lowered her head, trying to contain the tears that were pooling in her eyes.

“You’re such a good person, Nizhoni. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.”

You gripped the seat a bit tighter, your chest feeling a little tight.

“go, take boy and go,” you asserted, you voice breaking as much as Abigail’s.

You watched Abigail walk towards the horses, but you were surprised when you glanced down and heard John.

“Nizhoni,” he started. “I know we didn't get off to a good start, but you saved my life. I ain't ever gonna forget that. If anyone can get through this, you can.”

You smiled, “Scar look good, John Marston.”

John chuckled, as he touched his cheek with his fingers. His face took on a more serious expression.

“I wish I could be here, to support you in some way, but I have to look after Abigail and Jack.”

You nodded, “John Marston look after family, No wolves in Rhodes.”

John nodded, “Ya know Nizhoni, we really don't deserve you,” he added, as he walked to where Abigail was waiting for him with Jack.

He glanced back to look at you. He knew you thought you had brought bad luck because of the mark on your back. To be fair a lot of things had happened. He had been mauled by wolves, Micah had set Sadie’s house on fire, then got arrested for murder. You’d been arrested and now bounty hunters were looking for you, as well as Arthur and Dutch because they thought you had murdered Molly. It could be a load of superstitious clap trap. Whether it was or not, you were prepared to go through this agony, to try and stem the bad luck. You were either very stupid, or very brave. He was beginning to think it was the latter.

Dutch and Charles returned from the walk along the shoreline. Dutch looked significantly paler, than when he had left you in the wagon.

He walked over to where Hosea was standing.

“Can you hold this for me,” he asked, removing his jacket.

Hosea frowned, “is everything ok, you look… Well you don’t look very well.”

Dutch rolled his eyes, and started to roll up his sleeves.

“I never thought I’d be doing this to someone I really cared about!”

Hosea hummed, “its not too late to...” he started.

“Yes it is,” Dutch interrupted, “she needs this, she’s terrified but she’s doing it anyway. She doesn't think that there's any other way. Its fucking religious crap, but its her fucking religious crap. Once this is done… At least she wont think she’s possessed by some serpent demon!”

Hosea frowned, “what?”

Dutch rolled his eyes. “Its what they believe. A great serpent...Snake, from the underworld sees the mark, and sends a demon so that anyone she touches gets bad luck. If she’d survived in the mountains, and her tribe had taken her back, they would have done this to her. At least with us, she has a better chance of surviving.”

Hosea nodded, “do you still have the medicine the doctor gave you?”

Dutch nodded, and pulled the phial from his pocket, and handed it to Hosea.

Hosea examined the bottle, “liquid morphine. As soon as this is over, and she’s in your tent, give her a dose.”

Dutch nodded, and put the phial back in his waistcoat pocket.

“Once I’ve done this, I’m the only one who’s allowed to touch her, until she’s in my tent. I want you and Susan ready, as soon as I put her on my cot.”

Hosea nodded, “understood.”

Dutch sighed and walked over to where Charles was standing.

“Lets get this done, Charles,” he stated.

Charles walked over to the wagon, where you were sitting.

“Nizhoni? Are you ready?”

You nodded. You climbed from the back of the wagon. Charles had already gone to the back of the wagon, where some of your stuff had been stowed.

He picked up your bow, quiver full of arrows and your knife. He gave them to you.

“Follow me, the path is clear, I wont touch you,” he advised.

You followed Charles to a small clearing in front of the scout camp fire.

Dutch was already there, holding something in the flames.

In the clearing, stakes had already been hammered into the ground.

You placed your bow to the left and your arrows to the right. Your knife you placed at one end, the end you were facing. You started to remove your clothes, and these were place behind you.

Other members of the gang, were watching. Most at a distance.

Sean stood with Karen, when he saw your clothes being removed, his jaw dropped.

“Jesus, that Dutch is one lucky bastard,” he scoffed.

Karen thumped him on the arm, “shut your gob, this ain't no laughing matter!” she hissed.

Susan who was standing next to Mary-Beth, looked at how pale she was.

“You don’t have to watch, if you’d rather not,” she whispered.

Mary-Beth nodded, but looked on regardless.

Hosea, had already averted his eyes. He stayed where he was, more to support Dutch than anything.

Javier, stood next to Tilly, his arm gently wrapped around her.

“Don’t look Chica, if you don't want to,” he soothed, But Tilly also stayed put.

You Knelt down and raised your arms skyward.

You began to speak in your own language.

Dutch looked at you, even though he didn't know what you were saying, he felt that the words had real meaning to you, and the sound of your voice, brought a lump to his throat.

You began;

O Great Spirit

whose voice I hear in the winds,

and whose breath gives life

to all the world hear me!

I am small and weak

I need your strength and wisdom.

Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset

Make my hands respect the things you have made and my ears sharp to hear your voice.

Make me wise so that I may understand the things you have taught my people.

Let me learn the lessons you have hidden in every leaf and rock.

I seek strength not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy...myself.

Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands and straight eyes.

So when life fades as the fading sunset, my spirit may come to you without shame.

Once you had finished speaking, you lowered your arms. You looked at Charles and nodded, before laying flat on your stomach.

At this point, Dutch walked towards you.

He slipped the loop of a rope around your wrist, securing the other end tightly to one of the stakes.

You winced as the rope cut into your flesh.

He continued and did this to your other wrist and your ankles.

The rope between you and the stakes were pulled taught, making it impossible for you to move.

You turned your head towards you bow.

Dutch walked to your head, and crouched down.

“Open your mouth Nizhoni,” he whispered.

You complied, and he gently place a piece of wood between your teeth.

Standing up he walked back to the fire. You could hear him moving something in the flames. You knew what it was, you bit down on the wood, trying to prepare yourself for the pain to come.

As Dutch had walked back to the fire, Arthur and Micah had arrived at the new camp. Walking from the hitching posts, Micah had stared at the sight before him.

“What the fuck is Dutch doing to that redskin!” he exclaimed.

“Shut the fuck up Micah, or I’ll hang you myself,” Arthur retorted, punching Micah in the shoulder.

Before he had a chance to reply, he watched Dutch walk over to you, with something metal in his hand. It was glowing white hot!

Dutch stared at you, even like this you were beautiful, he watched as you breathed, you were trembling. Your ribs poking through your skin with each inhale. The doctor was right, you were pitifully thin.

Dutch glanced at Charles, as he swallowed down the bile that was rising in his throat.

Charles nodded his head.

Dutch rammed the white hot metal circular disk, attached to the end of the pole, down onto your back, covering the mark that was already there.

The sound that came from you would have been enough to scare the hounds of hell back to hades.

It was guttural and raw.

Every muscle in your body stiffened, as unimaginable pain ripped through your body.

Dutch held the burning metal disk on your back, for what seemed like an eternity, until Charles gave him the nod to remove it.

The smell of burning flesh was rancid, and Dutch turned his head away, not only because of the smell, but because he couldn’t stand to look at what he had done.

The gentle breeze that blew across the camp, wafted the smell to the onlookers.

Bizarrely at same time as Dutch thrust the burning metal onto your back, a low grumble of thunder could be heard in the distance, and a streak of lightening cracked on the mountains in the distance.

Mary-Beth and Susan, had looked away, the minute Dutch picked up the brand.

Tilly, had screamed, and buried her head into Javier’s chest, sobbing. Karen had wrapped her arms around Sean, burying her head in his chest. She didn't cry, she was completely silent.

Sean looked towards the mountains, “hope that struck the fuckers that did this to her,” he hissed, quietly.

In truth, it had all been over in less than ten seconds, but to you and the onlookers it seemed much longer.

Dutch flung the brand at the fire, as Charles handed him a wooden cup, intricately decorated with the morning star. It was filled with water. Dutch didn't have time to think about the symbolism, which Charles had told him earlier was a sign of courage, and purity of spirit.  He just poured the water, over the burn mark on your back. Still hot, it hissed, and steam rose.

Dutch looked momentarily at the place where your mark had been, the serpent mark had been erased, replaced with a blank circle, burnt into your back.

He quickly ran to where your knife lay. Picking it up, he sliced through the ropes.

Your whole body, had begun to shake.

“Quickly,” Charles hissed, “she’s going into shock!”

Dutch quickly picked you up, being careful not to touch the newly made mark on your back, and ran to his tent.

Hosea was already there holding the flap open.

Dutch put you on the cot, laying on your stomach. Your teeth were still clenched tight on the wood.

He gently stroked your face. As he did your jaw relaxed, the wood dropped out of your mouth, and you started to sob.

“I know, Nizhoni, I’m so sorry.” he soothed.

Dutch quickly pulled the phial out of his pocket.

“Nizhoni, sweetheart, I need you to open your mouth,” he whispered.

You opened your eyes, gasping for breath between sobs, you opened your mouth.

Dutch dropped some of the liquid on your tongue, which you swallowed.

“Gone?” you rasped.

Dutch stroked your face, “Yes Nizhoni, its gone.”

Your eyelids began to flutter, as the painkilling drug took effect.

Dutch gently kissed your forehead, as Hosea and Susan walked into the tent, armed with medical supplies to tend the wound on your back.