#i won’t have the energy though sometimes so i’ll just. leave it. i am an enigma (confusing)

[merevide]

me after deleting smth i said because someone disagreed with me (i literally just don’t feel like arguing)

[moonstruckme]

May I pleaseeee request poly!marauders x reader (gn or fem, up to you) where r and siri come home at like, 4 am from a rave (or clubing), and they are in makeup and have glitter all over them, and their exhausted and only slightly tipsy (from alchohol or drugs, up to whatever you think would be more fun to write) so they try to get cleaned up without waking up james or remus but ultimately fail?

I totally understand if you don't wanna write it 🫶

Thank you for requesting lovely!

cw: mention of alcohol

poly!marauders x fem!reader ♡ 1.1k words

When Remus wakes, he doesn’t at first know why. James is asleep next to him, snuffling softly, his cheek smushed into the pillow and drool leaking from the corner of his mouth. Remus’ fingers are woven loosely in the curls by his forehead. 

Then there’s a muffled thump from down the hall, followed by some hushed cursing, and he remembers. 

“They definitely moved the couch closer to the door to fuck with us.” Then, a moment later: “I am being quiet. Doll, you’re projecting.” 

Get a drop of alcohol in Sirius, and he becomes the worst whisperer in the world. 

Remus can hear your attempts at shushing your boyfriend as he slips out of bed. James is dead to the world, but he stretches out an arm as Remus’ fingers unwind from his hair as though feeling for where he’s gone. Glancing at the clock on his nightstand, Remus is gladder than ever that he and James had begged off this particular excursion. It’s past five in the morning. 

He goes toward the light they left on for you by the door, but you and Sirius have already migrated to the kitchen. Remus props himself up on the doorframe, wrapping his arms around his middle, and allows himself to just watch the two of you for a minute. 

“Water first,” you’re saying, voice hushed far more effectively than Sirius’. You grab two glasses with extreme care from the cabinet, setting them down slowly so as not to make any noise. 

“I think this makeup is going to be crusted onto me forever,” Sirius whines. “I’ll never be able to get it all off.” 

“I don’t know if I have the energy to try,” you admit. 

You do both have an awful lot of glitter on you. What was intentional and precise when you left that evening has now traveled down onto your cheeks, leaving you lustrous and disheveled-looking. When Sirius closes his eyes, tipping his head back as he leans against the countertop, the black makeup around his eyes makes them look like glittering chasms. Remus notes that your shoulder shimmers with a similar color, like he’d laid his head on it at some point in the night. 

You pass Sirius a glass and hoist yourself up onto the counter, the both of you falling quiet while you drink your water. You sigh at the end of it. 

Sirius hums in response, a tired sort of smile lifting his lips. He leans his head against the side of your arm and lets his eyes fall closed again. 

“Did you have fun?” he asks, softer now than he has been since you came inside. 

“Mhm.” You set your empty glass down, using that hand to comb strands of hair away from Sirius’ face. 

Remus' heart nearly turns to mush as he watches the two of you, each clearly exhausted and yet still trying to take care of the other. You, you’ve always been open with your tenderness, but Sirius has taken years to get to where he is now. It still surprises Remus sometimes to see it, his boyfriend’s caring out from under the shroud of insouciance and joking. 

“I have an idea,” you say. Your tone is warm and lulling, not unlike your boyfriend’s. “We could take the spicy crisps into the living room, and lay on the couch to eat them.” 

Eyes still closed, Sirius smiles. “What about bed?”

“Rem won’t let us eat them in the bed.” 

Remus suppresses a chuckle. 

“I know, sweetness. I thought you were tired.” 

You sigh, long and heavy. “I am. I think I’m so tired I almost don’t care if I go to sleep. I might die if I don’t have a spicy crisp, though.” 

Sirius seems to be contemplating this when James comes up behind Remus. His hair is askew and glasses falling down the bridge of his nose, and he has the glazed-over look of someone who themselves is not quite sure if they’re awake or dreaming. 

“How wasted are they?” he asks, voice weighted with drowsiness. 

“Not very, I don't think,” Remus murmurs. 

That’s when Sirius notices them. He picks his head up, nudging your knee with his elbow so you look over. 

“Oh.” You shrink a bit, expression pinching. “Sorry.” 

You so thoroughly look it that Remus can’t even feign upset at having been woken up. “Come to bed,” he says fondly. 

Neither of you move but Sirius opens his arms, beseeching Remus to come to him instead. Remus, too tired to pretend at being any less in love than he is, goes. 

“I thought you’d be in earlier,” he says into Sirius’ hair. It smells like sweat and a little bit like smoke. 

“The cabs were busier than we expected,” Sirius replies, voice even sleepier now that his face is in Remus’ neck. “We walked a while and then caught a bus once they started running.” 

Remus makes a disgruntled sound, but it’s James who says, “You should’ve called.” His voice sounds muffled, and Remus looks over to find it’s buried in your chest. You’re smiling faintly with your face turned down into his curly mop, your hands on the back of his head and his holding your thighs. “We would’ve come and got you.” 

“I wanted to,” Sirius defends himself, removing his face from Remus’ neck to cut you a teasing look. “She wouldn’t let me.” 

James lifts his head to look up at you. 

“I didn’t want to wake you,” you say, voice soft as though still trying to accommodate the sleep he really should be getting. “You both have work in the morning.” 

James groans at the reminder, hiding his face in your chest again. Remus sets a hand on top of his head, scratching James' scalp consolingly. 

“You should always call,” he tells you, just for the record. But really he’s in no mood to argue. “Let’s go to bed, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” you sigh, slipping off the counter. 

James wraps his arms around your shoulders, forcing the both of you to walk with small, plodding footsteps, and Sirius also refuses to be out of Remus’ hold, clinging to his arm as you all start down the hallway. The bed is no sooner in sight that you let out a low whine. 

Sirius echoes it when you say, “We still have to take off our makeup.”

“What if,” James suggests, “you sleep now, and when Remus and I get up in an hour we can take it off for you while you stay in bed?” 

James hardly has time to let you go before Sirius is hanging off him, almost teary with gratitude. “God, I love you. That’s the best idea I ever heard.” 

[trixy812]

⋆｡‧˚ʚ You have all my support ɞ˚‧｡⋆ pt 2

{Nanami Kento x reader}

ִֶָ࣪☾. Content: kento nanami x reader, just fluff, comfort, friends to lovers, nightmare, digimon mentioned!, i really think nanami looks at memes like parents look at memes xdxd (don't forget we are in year 2007ish)

ִֶָ࣪☾. Summary: It was inevitable. Kento Nanami and you became friends.

ִֶָ࣪☾. AN: Hello! I bring you guys part two, I took longer than I expected. Yesterday, I had a very calm nightshift and decided to finally write this second part, i really liked how it turn out. I really want to encourage you all to leave comments because that would help me a lot now that I'm just starting to write! extra: i really want to thank my twiniieee @totallygyomeiswife because she helped to organize my thought and how i want this fic to keep going.

Edit: I noticed some inconsistencies so, I corrected few words & numbers! Thank you again for reading 📚 I am excited to keep writing this 🥰

pt. 1 - pt. 2 - pt. 3 - pt. 4

Omakes Reader meets Gojo First time

🅼🅰🆂🆃🅴🆁🅻🅸🆂🆃

It’s been several months since Haibara’s death, and while Nanami remains the serious, reserved man everyone knows, something has subtly changed in him. In these past months, he’s allowed himself to trust you, finding quiet comfort in your friendship. You've always been there for him, offering support without demands or expectations. Yet Haibara’s memory still casts a long shadow, and sometimes his dreams dredge up painful scenes, reminding him of everything he's lost.

One night, after an especially vivid nightmare where he relives those haunting images of Haibara, Nanami wakes up, gasping for air. Without thinking, he picks up his phone and sends you a message:

Are you awake?

Your response comes almost immediately.

Of course! I’m always awake. You couldn’t sleep again, could you?

Despite the lingering weight of his nightmare, Nanami can’t help but smile slightly.

Do you ever actually sleep?

It’s my superpower! you reply, adding a sunglasses emoji.

Just as he’s about to put his phone down, he sees a notification from you—an image attachment. Curious, he opens it to see a meme of a concerned-looking dog, accompanied by the huge caption: “Your life is as worrisome as my face!” Nanami frowns, confused by the image.

Whose dog is that? he asks.

That doesn’t matter! Just laugh! It’s funny, right?

It seems we have different definitions of funny, he replies, teasing you. But he’s unable to stop himself from smiling, finding a strange comfort in your lightheartedness, and grateful for the brief escape from his thoughts.

Later that day, the two of you meet up at an arcade. You've set your sights on a claw machine with a Palmon plush, and after several failed attempts, you’re determined to get it. The lights and sounds around you barely register; all your attention is on the machine and on winning that Palmon.

Nanami watches from behind, arms crossed, his expression showing his skepticism. “Are you seriously going to keep going? You’ve already spent 3,000 yen. This is ridiculous.”

Without looking away from the machine, you throw him a quick glance. “Yes! I need it. Palmon is beautiful, and I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t win it.”

Nanami raises an eyebrow, doubtful. “Is it really that important?”

“Obviously!” You pout, looking at him with that mix of determination and stubbornness he’s come to recognize. That blend of energy and defiance stirs something in him, and he blurts out a suggestion he hadn’t even thought through

“Come study with me at Jujutsu High.”

The proposal surprises both of you, and you stop playing for a moment, though you keep your hand firmly on the joystick to hold your spot. Smiling, you look at him with a mix of affection and amusement.

“That’s not going to happen. I’ll never be a sorcerer. Not even you could change my mind, Nanami.”

A faint blush rises to your cheeks as you say his name, wondering if you’ve let slip too much. You seem about to say something more, but he interrupts, his voice soft and sorrowful.

“I’m alone now. I was left alone”

His words strike you, and though you want to tell him how much he means to you, how you've had a crush on him for months now but you know it’s not the right moment. He’s still too vulnerable, and you wouldn’t want to take advantage of that. Instead, you try to lighten the mood.

“My dad always used to say, ‘You go to school to study, not to make friends,’” you say, imitating your father’s voice and holding a finger under your nose as if you had a mustache. Nanami watches, but the sadness doesn’t leave his gaze.

Finally, you look him in the eyes, speaking with quiet sincerity. “You have all my support, Nanami. You know that, right?”

Nanami meets your eyes, and for a moment, his expression softens, the sadness easing a little. “Thank you,” he murmurs, and you notice a hint of peace behind his smile.

“After school, you probably have homework, just like me,” you suggest, taking a breath. “How about you come to my house every day after classes, and we do it together? Studying will be easier if we have each other’s company.”

Nanami looks at you, a bit taken aback by the suggestion, but he finds himself surprisingly comforted by the idea. Even though he knows your schoolwork might be very different from his own, the thought reassures him.

“And what about your hospital volunteering? Don’t you have to go?” he asks, concern creeping into his voice.

You wave his concern off. “I’ll do it on weekends. There are fewer people, and I can hide what I’m doing more easily. Don’t worry.” You think to yourself that you will have to do an extra year of volunteering because you are going to reduce your hours a week, but it doesn't bother you at all.

Nanami nods, and without another word, he steps toward the claw machine, nudging you aside gently. Reaching into his pocket, he inserts 100 yen. And as the good sorcerer he is, it looks like magic, the claw captures the Palmon on the first try.

As soon as you see the plush descending, you let out a shout of pure joy, bouncing with excitement. Nanami pulls it from the machine and hands it to you.

“Thank you so much, Kento!” you exclaim, hugging the plush tightly, and realizing, as your face flushes, that you’ve called him by his first name.

Nanami blinks, surprised, but then he smiles, seeing you so happy. For a moment, he catches a glimpse of Haibara in your lively expression, just like that day when you met, and the thought fills him with an unexpected peace.

“So, what time should I be coming to your house to keep up with your ‘plan’?” he asks, his tone faintly teasing.

Unable to help it, your smile grew even wider, thrilled to have the Palmon in your hands, happy that Nanami won it for you, ecstatic because you know you'll see him more often, just as you've dreamed awake before going to sleep, you respond, “Let’s meet at Akihabara station after school, and then we can go together. Does that sound good?”

Nanami nods, satisfied with the plan. “Perfect.” With a slight blush, he murmurs almost to himself, but just loud enough for you to hear, “Keep calling me Kento.”

pt. 1 - pt. 2 - pt. 3 - pt. 4

Omakes

Reader meets Gojo

First time

-

🅼🅰🆂🆃🅴🆁🅻🅸🆂🆃

[spiderlandry]

Secrets Kept — Ethan Landry

in which you have a secret, and it’s not what ethan thinks.

Pairing: Ethan Landry x Spider-Woman!Reader (she/her pronouns used)

Warnings: minor gunshot wound, kind of escalates quickly?, mention of reader having no family (other than aunt may), slight angst, fluff, no ghostface (previous movies can still be canon i think), somewhat dialogue-heavy, mentions of Across the Spider-Verse events

Word Count: ~9k

Author’s Note: hey everyone, i do wanna apologize for promising to come back and then just. not. so im sorry for that! i have had some health/life troubles recently and long story short i won’t be releasing anymore fics after this. (i am not dying, dont worry, my energy just isnt the same). i also realized i just do not feel as passionate about writing as i used to. thank you for sticking with me, and i will keep all my fics up. for unfinished series i’ve written, anyone is free to write continuations if you wish. thank u so much again for making me feel so welcome here!!! feel free to talk to me in my inbox as i’ll be checking in periodically. and if there’s any interest, i’m willing to post unedited wips.

i guess i've come full circle because this fic was the reason i created this blog. it was unfinished so i never did post it, but i finally got some energy to do it! so enjoy (hopefully)

-

New York had been your home for a long time. All your life, actually. But sometimes, the rowdy, noisy city was suffocating.

However, swinging through the city, air resisting against your skin as you picked up speed—lifted the weight off your shoulders.

You changed in a secluded alley on the outskirts of the busyness in the big apple, not risking any neighbours seeing you go into the window of your apartment. The subway was crowded as it is all hours of the day, though you didn’t mind too much.

Closing the door behind you, you dropped your bag on the couch and looked for your roommate. “Quinn?” Your voice travelled throughout the place, bringing your roommate to her feet and outside her room.

“Hey, d’you just get back?” She smiled, leaning against the end of the hallway. “How was patrol?”

You sighed, opening the zipper of your backpack to pull out the bagel you got for her. “Yeah, it was alright. Nothing exciting.” you threw it to her, and she almost dropped it. “Got you a bagel. Thanks for covering for me.”

She scoffed in mock offence, “What did I say about throwing things? I don’t have your spider sensor, or whatever. But this is appreciated.” She took a bite, and you laughed at her remark about the spider-sense.

“Noted, sorry again.” You returned her grin. You knew she loved being in on the secret. She took joy in knowing the real identity of the masked vigilante, often covering for you around your friends when you had to leave very suddenly during movie nights and hangouts. But above all, she was a concerned friend. Always. Patched you up when you came home late at night, warned you when you were about to make a bad decision, told you to be careful before you left.

You often told yourself not to get too close. Making connections as a vigilante wasn’t ideal. Anybody who knew your identity was in danger at all times, and it didn’t help that you had a huge crush on her brother. You never uttered a word to her, but you could sense her observing you when you hung out with the friend group—not in a spidey-sense way, though, you could just feel it, even without the supernatural sense.

“Anything interesting happen while I was gone?” You asked, flopping down on the couch and turning on the tv, avoiding the news channels.

“Ethan missed you. It was kinda gross, actually. Wouldn’t stop asking where you were.” She grabbed a drink from the kitchen, disappearing from view.

You furrowed your brows, “You know I never believe you whenever you say anything about Ethan, right? Especially concerning me.”

“Not my problem, spidey. I never lie.”

“I could give you ten examples,” you chuckled.

“I never lie to you. Obviously I lie to everybody else.” She came back from the kitchen with a look.

“Is it because I’m special?”

“Obviously.”

You weren’t the nervous type. Maybe it was after you were bitten by the spider, you never really knew, but one of the main reasons Ethan may not have realized you have any semblance of feelings for him was because you acted normal around him like you did everybody else. Your schedules were different, so you rarely hung out with him for school reasons, meaning the only times he spent time with you was during group hangouts.

Including now. At his and Chad’s tiny off campus apartment.

He watched you play chess with Anika, Chad watching from the sidelines during a blitz game. Speed chess. He knew how to play chess. Maybe he should play with you, a thought grazed his mind.

As if his sister could read him, she appeared beside him and nudged him closer to the scene. “You should play.”

He looked at her with shock, “No, I’ll lose. I don’t wanna embarrass myself.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Since when has that stopped you? You never back down from a chess match, remember?” He did remember, years ago when his father taught him after Richie left for college. “It’s because you like her, isn’t it?”

He huffed. To try and prove her wrong, he went over to the coffee table and watched as you lost to Anika—maybe he has a chance.

It was his turn, now. He replaced Anika on the seat facing you, rearranging the chess pieces. “Pretty boy wants to play!” Chad exclaimed.

“Chad.” Ethan said in an almost warning tone. “What did I say about the nickname?”

You reset the chess clock. He looked at you—you were smirking—which was a mistake, because he didn’t realize you started his clock.

“Shit,” he moved a piece, fumbling. You grinned at him, and he realized he’ll do anything to see it again.

You didn’t lose your confidence, moving chess pieces to counteract his own moves.

During the middle game was when it dawned on him he was fucked.

It became clear to him you likely knew how to psych him out—just by smiling at him.

Little did he know, you smiled at him because his thinking face was adorable. But on his side, you were smiling every time he glanced at you. He had no other choice but to believe you were doing it to make him blunder, because he couldn’t make you usually smile like that, could he?

Quinn watched her brother fumble around you. Her plan worked. At least for tonight.

You ended up winning the game with ten seconds left on your clock and three on his.

You high-fived Chad, much to Ethan’s dismay, but you offered a handshake to his direction which he gladly accepted to feel your warm palm in his. Worth it.

He was mustering up to ask for a rematch when your phone buzzed on the counter, which Quinn reached to get before anyone could in case it was something spider related. And thank god she did, because it was. She gave you a nod, reading the notification about something happening downtown. You cringed internally, knowing the burden of covering for you would fall on your friend’s shoulders again. She packed your things and handed you the backpack, whispering ‘be safe’ as you take it from her, so nobody else would hear.

With a closing of the door behind you, a conversation in the room began, thanks to a suspecting Mindy.

“Why does she leave sometimes?” The woman looked to the strawberry blonde for an answer, suspecting that she knew more than she let on. “She never tells us.” They all settled on the couch as Chad flicked through streaming services for a movie and Ethan cleaned up the chessboard. He didn’t wanna seem to interested, but he was definitely actively listening for Quinn’s answer.

“Her aunt calls her sometimes to run some errands,” Quinn prayed they wouldn’t pry. She saw this coming because you’d been dealing with more calls recently and patrolling more often. There really was no other excuse for the spontaneous leaving. It was easier to cover if you were already not there—you’d be studying, grocery shopping, napping, or literally anything else.

“Aunt May?” Ethan piped up. You mentioned her once, saying you needed to get eggs for her.

“Yeah, Aunt May.”

“She never talks about her family.” Said Anika.

Quinn didn’t want to say anything else. “She’s just private, I think.”

“You know more about her than us, though.”

“Because I’m her roommate.”

Mindy’s eyes squint toward her. Tilting her head, she pursed her lips. “I think you’re lying.”

“Why would I be?”

“She’s left before, at like, one AM. Why would her aunt call her at that time?”

Quinn shrugged, feeling a little bit of panic setting in. “Who knows?”

“Is she hiding something?”

“No.” The word was so quick and curt, and that was when she knew she fucked up.

“You’re definitely lying.”

Everyone else, watching the interaction turning from teasing to tense, Sam stepped in. “Guys,” she interrupted. “If Y/N wants to tell us something, she would. I’m sure she has her reasons.”

Mindy had been suspicious for a long time. Not out of malice, she liked to think she had a naturally curious personality. She’d kept an eye on you every time you left, half because she wanted to know, but also because she was worried. Had you not been friends for long enough that you couldn’t tell them why you left or was sometimes missing?

Ethan thought similar.

It got weirder when he saw a glimpse of your name on Quinn’s phone, a call from you that she answered. She went to the kitchen to answer it. Mindy saw it too.

Ethan wasn’t proud of it, but he followed, to stay right behind the threshold of the kitchen and the cold tiled floor, listening to the conversation.

The audio from your end was inaudible, but Quinn’s responses were: “Yeah?” … “How bad is it?” … “No, I’ll be there.” … “Who cares if they get suspicious? You’re more important.”

He heard the call end and rushed back to his seat, to Quinn’s obliviousness. She grabbed her things.

“I’m tired, guys.” She announced to the group, Tara pausing the movie. “I’m gonna go home.”

“Oh,” Sam replied. “Well, be careful. Do you have your pepper spray?”

“Yes, Sam.” Quinn almost rolled her eyes at Sam’s protectiveness, but she knew it was out of real worry.

After his sister left, Ethan began the conversation this time. “I think Mindy’s right.”

Everyone turned to him.

“Quinn was talking to Y/N.”

Tara sat up. “You followed her to eavesdrop?”

Ethan shrugged, feeling scolded.

“Not cool, dude.”

“What did she say?” Sam asked curiously, now hooked. If Ethan mentioned it, it must have been important.

“Like…” A pause, “Q asked ‘how bad is it?’ then said she’ll be there. And then, like, who cares if they get suspicious.”

“They’re definitely hiding something,” Mindy stated. “But why?”

“My sister never hides anything from me. She always overshares, and I always hated it. But now she’s not. It’s probably not…good.”

“Are we sure we should talk about this?” Anika piped up next to Mindy. “Maybe it’s a problem with their apartment—a leak, or something.”

“But…” Chad spoke, “what about the suspicious part? And why would Quinn lie?”

At the same time, at your and Quinn’s apartment, you bled out on a towel placed on the couch from a gash across your stomach. You winced as your friend applied the bandage.

“Didn’t I tell you to be safe? What happened? You had a good streak going there for a while.”

“Quinn, please.”

“Also, not to alarm you, but they’re getting really suspicious. Mindy asked why you leave all the time.”

“Shit, she’s never asked that.” Your head fell against the end of the couch in defeat. “Maybe I should start distancing myself.”

Quinn’s head snapped up. “You’re not serious.”

“Dead serious.”

“Don’t make me say it.”

“Say what?” You looked at her.

“It’s a really bad idea.”

“I’m trying to keep people safe. Keep you safe. Keep everyone else in the group safe.”

“What about Ethan?”

“Including him.”

“No—“ She scoffs, “I mean, you’d…break his heart.”

You had to stop yourself from laughing. “Quinn,”

“I’m serious.” And she actually was. She might have thought her brother was a nerdy asshole. But he was her brother. “And everyone would wonder where you are. You can’t avoid them forever.”

Sitting atop a random apartment building Monday morning, your sight helped you catch a glimpse of Ethan walking amongst a crowd of New Yorkers, bumping into people with a hand on the backpack strap on his shoulder. It had been a week since you talked to Quinn about possibly leaving the group.

After that, you stopped answering messages from them, much to her dismay. She still saw you at the apartment, looking at you with silent eyes hoping you’d realize your mistake and come around again. She knew you would.

Having everybody’s schedules memorized helped you avoid them—but Anika having the same major as you was your downfall. You skipped a class yesterday, and she texted the groupchat asking where you were.

Maybe it was creepy, but keeping an eye on your friends calmed you down. You wanted to be the one to make sure they were safe without having them try to do the same thing—this was why you never wanted to get close.

Unbeknownst to you, the group had a bet going.

Mindy thought you and Quinn were dating. Ethan thought something was up in your family life, maybe Aunt May was sick. Chad thought you were in a secret fight club (secretly worried). Anika was on board with Mindy’s theory. Sam refused to answer, and Tara was also silent.

Quinn came to your room that night. “Everybody’s worried about you.”

You looked at her with begging eyes. “I know, Quinn.” You sighed in defeat. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Either you tell them or not. Your choice. But you can’t avoid it forever. Everyone’s been giving you space, but they’re still thinking you’ll come around.”

You stared at her, them looked away, at anything else.

“One more thing—“ she said before she left, “don’t patrol tonight.”

“Why not?”

“I’m gonna be over at Isaac’s place. If you get hurt, I won’t be there. He thinks I’m cheating on him whenever I bail.”

You would never ask her to give up a part of her life for you, she knew you would agree. But she also knew you would never miss patrol.

“Fine, I won’t.”

She left knowing you would.

You should have listened. God, you should have listened.

Your wound from a few days ago had already healed thanks to your abilities, but another power you had was how many times you got injured in a short amount of time. Especially in the same spot. This time it was a real stab wound on your side, not just a gash a centimetre deep.

You couldn’t let yourself bleed out on the alley to be found dead and your friends to find out your identity through a news announcement that Spider-Woman was dead. You were about to swing back to your apartment—

Shit.

You didn’t have your civilian clothes. The window on the fire escape was locked. Your door was locked. Nobody was home. Idiot!

One choice. You forced your feelings down, hoping this was for the best.

Ethan and Chad’s were the closest.

With your heart pounding in your ears, holding it together and covering your wound, you knocked on the glass.

Chad came out of the hallway to furious sounding knocking on the window, thinking maybe a madman managed to climb up the fire escape and was trying to break in.

He certainly wasn’t expecting the masked vigilante of New York City to be the one on the other side of the glass. And she looked to be bleeding.

You were thankful it was Chad who answered and not Ethan. He coincidentally had Econ tonight, so that was actually a plus.

Chad opened the window. “Holy shit!”

“Look—“ You were breathing rapidly, unable to keep it together. “I’m sorry about this—“ You tried to change your voice hoping your friend wouldn’t recognize it.

“I’m gonna carry you now, okay?” He put an arm behind your back and another under your knees, trying to avoid touching the wound. “What the fuck?” You heard him whisper as he set you down on the couch.

He rushed to the bathroom for the med kit. “You’re lucky I have this,” He set it down on the floor, rummaging through it. “I play college football, I mainly have it for sprains. I never used the suture kit, but hey, first time for everything, right?” He rambled. Just as Chad does when he was nervous, also evident in the tremble of his voice.

“I heal pretty quickly, I just need stitches to stop it from bleeding.”

“Thank God. I don’t know how to operate on organs. What if you have internal bleeding?”

“Won’t matter. I’ll heal. I’d never let you touch my organs.” You joked.

“Glad to know Spider-Woman’s funny.”

You were careful not to call him by name on instinct. “What should I call you?”

“Your saviour.” He got the tools ready, “Kidding. I’m Chad.”

“‘Kay, Chad. Need me to walk you through it?”

“Yes—yes, that would be good, actually. You have medical experience?”

“If you call getting injured experience, yes.”

“This is gonna be a long night.”

Tara did not believe her boyfriend.

She was at his apartment, sitting on his bed, and he was pacing and rambling about Spider-Woman coming to this very place last night and asked the vigilante to save her. She stared at him crazy.

“Babe, you have to believe me!” He jumped up excitedly, he couldn’t keep it in.

“You didn’t get any proof?”

“She was bleeding! I stitched her up! Not really a great time to ask for an autograph or a picture.”

She smiled at him endearingly. “I wanna believe you, so, so bad.”

He came closer to her, “Please do.”

“She just happened to come here when Ethan was away?”

“Yes.”

She laughed, falling back on the bed.

“Please, babe!”

With good timing, a knock on the door took them away from the moment.

Tara went to get it, Chad on her tail.

And surprise.

It was Spider-Woman at the door.

You never intended on showing up, but the guilt consumed you and your feet brought you to a bakery and you’d purchased a dozen cupcakes before you knew it. You wanted to leave them at his door, but not trusting his neighbours, you decided to hand them over.

He wasn’t alone. You should have expected Tara. It was afternoon, and Ethan had a class early morning (why he picked it that early, you’ll never get.)

Tara’s eyes widened at the sight, immediately turning back to her boyfriend stopping him in his tracks. “Is this a prank?” She pointed a finger up at him.

Him not knowing who’s at the door, “What? Who’s at the door?” He walked past her and was equally shocked.

You lowered your voice again. “Uh,” you cleared your throat, “thanks for saving me last night.” You handed over the box of cupcakes.

“Are you joking?” Tara went to lift your mask, but you backed away. “Who are you?”

“Not a prank, promise!” You exclaimed. “This is…actually…me. Just wanted to say thanks. If not for him, I would have bled out.”

“Prove it.”

“Prove what?”

“You’re her.”

At that, you shot a web to the ceiling.

“Shit,”

“I wasn’t lying, babe.” You heard Chad whisper to her. And directed at you, “Glad I could help, spider. Come back anytime!” Tara playfully slapped him on the shoulder as you walked away.

“I’ll keep that in mind!”

You still hadn’t told Quinn about what happened last night. That was because you hadn’t seen her anywhere. She must have slept in at her boyfriend(?)’s place.

As you got home, your phone buzzed.

Bruno Mars Security Team

Chad

everyone !!!!!!!! please come over tonight !!!!!!! i have to tell you all something !!!!!!! im spiderwomans best friend now

Tara

well…

Sam

???

Quinn

Oh god

Ethan

What lol

Then, a personal message notification from Quinn.

Quinn

Wtf happened while I was gone you have to tell me

You

I HAD NO CHOICE

Quinn

Please actually come over to Chad’s. We all miss you even tho its only a few days like we’re all worried

You

i will

Chad had never been happier to see you. “You’re here! And you’re early!” He opened his arms for a hug, which you took. “I missed you!” You’d always been a little sister to him, despite being a few months apart, it mattered to him.

“Sorry I’ve been MIA,” You sighed, pulling away. “Just—dealing with stuff,” you cleared your throat.

Just then, Tara appeared and ran into your arms. You squeezed her tight, knowing she gave the best kinds of hugs. Her arms wrapped around your neck, head resting against your shoulder, fitting like a puzzle piece. “Talk to us anytime, okay?”

You nodded, ending the hug and closing the door behind you.

“What’s this about Spider-Woman?” You inquired, grabbing a drink from the fridge.

“I have to wait until everyone gets here, you guys are gonna freak! And Tara is here to back me up.”

“Is that all I’m here for?” Tara teased.

“No, honey, you know it’s also because we’re using your Netflix login.”

You laughed at their antics as she flicked him on the forehead lightly.

Ethan happened to catch you right at that moment as he came out of the bathroom.

He was silent, but shot you a smile nonetheless, which you mirrored. He really did not know what to say. A feeling bubbled up inside him and he knew he wanted to talk to you alone.

You took your place at the very end of the couch, checking something on your phone as you waited for the others to get here. Unbeknownst to you, though, Ethan was looking at you trying to decide whether it was the right time to talk. Chad and Tara were whispering to themselves, betting on if he would actually say anything.

After a few seconds, your senses told you somebody was staring. Not in a dangerous way, or even remotely alarming, but you could still feel it. So you turned your head upward and saw the curly haired boy a standing awkwardly a few feet from you.

“What’re you doing?” You smirked, though not really in a smug way. It was more amusement than anything.

“Uh—nothing, I just—“ He wandered closer, sitting a few centimetres away from you. “I—we, the group, want you to know that we’re always here if you need anything. You can talk to us, alright? You don’t—just don’t deal with it alone.” He shrugged, “That’s it.”

Your face softened at his confession. Only if you could tell them without compromising their safety. “Thanks. I’ll…keep you posted.”

Ethan didn’t know what to do now that the conversation was seemingly over.

He was about to stand up until the door swung open, Quinn coming in along with Mindy and Anika who were carrying a few boxes of pizza.

“We’re here! And we brought food!” Mindy’s voice echoed throughout the apartment.

You were going to greet them but Anika beat you to it, seeing you on the couch and running over to hug you.

Mindy did the same, relieved to see you okay.

Quinn had a knowing smile on her face.

After the room settled down, Chad began to finally tell the story.

Needless to say, nobody believed him.

By the end of the night, long past midnight, you were getting ready to leave when Ethan asked you something.

“Are you going with Quinn?”

Mindy and Anika were waiting at the door, they both got a ride from your roommate since Mindy’s car broke down a few days ago.

“No, uhm—I think I’m gonna walk home. It’s only a few blocks.”

Quinn, upon hearing you, chimed in. “Really? You sure you don’t want to?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” You shared a look with her that only the two of you knew. You turned to Ethan, “Why?”

“Can I walk you?”

You were surprised, to say the least. “Really?”

“So you’re safe.”

Preparing to protest, you felt Quinn’s hand on your arm. “Let him.”

So you did.

The walk home was brisk. The streets were empty, the street lamps illuminating your synchronized steps with Ethan.

With him, silence was never awkward. It was just…quiet.

It was no secret that you were perceptive, especially to your friends. Quinn knew why, but the others thought it was just you, not something caused by the spider bite. Your senses were especially heightened around Ethan.

You would never mention it, but you knew his heartbeat sped up when he got close to you. You only caught it a few times on accident trying to listen for something else, but you’d never actually do it on purpose.

Lately it seemed he was spending more time with you since the night you came back (which was three weeks ago at this point). One, he would message you on Discord asking if you wanted to do a study call—you never failed to say yes (making Ethan giddy). Two, he began to ask you things about your life during those calls when you would both take a break from studying. Like he wanted to know more about you.

Three, you began to spend time together outside the group.

Quinn was excited for you the first time you told her that you were going to see Ethan and only him. Of course, you told her not to read into it, but when has she ever listened?

Things were going fairly well. Especially with New York as a whole, nothing too major had happened (no supervillains, thank god), only a few robberies and cats stuck in a tree.

You were sitting atop a building when a tingling sensation in the back of your neck alerted you to something. Then, as you honed your hearing, you heard glass breaking a block away.

Swinging never got old.

As you reached your destination, a small bodega being robbed, you spotted him. Ethan.

Your heart began to pound in your ears, watching from the outside as the robber trained the gun on his hostages inside the bodega, one of them being Ethan.

It was like muscle memory. Go in, threaten the robber, and if it escalated, you fought him.

“I’m going to get rid of you, Spider-Woman!” The man in the mask hissed at you, his pistol trained right at your heart. This part didn’t scare you anymore, but Ethan being here—did. “If you come any closer…” He stepped away, instead pointing the gun at some old lady, who looked scared shitless. “I’ll shoot her!” He noticed you weren’t fazed at threats against you, so he targeted the next best thing: civilians.

“Easy, there, cowboy. Why don’t you point that gun at me? I thought you wanted to get rid of me.” You tilted your head, gauging the severity of the situation.

In your peripheral vision, Ethan stepped in front of the lady, trying to usher her to the side.

God, he was an idiot—but you’d be lying if you said that didn’t warm your heart.

The robber didn’t notice because he was still staring at you, watching for any sudden movements you’d make.

It happened in three seconds.

One, you shot the web to the gun, trying to pull it back to you.

Two, the gun went off—a slip of his finger caused by your web. Before you saw who it hit, the man came at you.

Three, you took him down, knocking him out.

It was the next second that you decided your life wouldn’t be the same.

You heard a hiss, a gasp from onlookers, and you took away the magazine of the gun before your head snapped up to where the hiss came from.

Ethan.

Red was the first thing you saw. It was on that yellow cardigan he wore when it was chilly—You rushed to his side, seeing the red come from his arm. He was backed up, leaning against the wall.

He was wide-eyed, face scrunched up in pain. “Shit,” He put pressure on his wound. “It hurt less than I thought it would.”

If only he could see how the tears lined your eyes under the mask.

“We need—“ You tried to keep your voice steady— “We need to get you to a hospital.”

“I’m fine,” He hissed again as you pressed harder on his arm. “It’s just a graze.” He saw your concern.

“No—It could’ve—it could’ve hit something vital—“ Despite your knowledge that it likely didn’t, your head was spinning and rational thought weren’t exactly on the table.

The sirens reached your ears before anyone else’s.

You took a deep breath. Your head cleared.

“The ambulance is gonna get here soon, uh—“ You cleared your throat. “Don’t move, okay?” You nodded to him, and left.

Okay, you didn’t actually leave. You stayed on a rooftop across the street, a few buildings over, seeing that he was okay as he got checked out by the paramedics.

That was when you actually left. For good this time.

The timing was almost perfect—the next day, an old friend came to see you.

You weren’t expecting anybody, hanging out in an abandoned building you found in the outskirts of Brooklyn when you were a teenager.

But a black hole opened up right next to you. Maybe not a black hole, but the closest thing to it.

That was when you saw Miguel O’Hara.

Quinn had no idea that, when she woke up that morning, it would be the week she spilled your secret to the friend group.

This is how it went down.

Last evening, she told you to be careful before you left for patrol. You never came back in the morning. She didn’t see any evidence of you being there, like your shoes haphazardly thrown across the floor near the front door, or your backpack on the couch. This had happened once before and she found out you were at your Aunt May’s house—so she just sent you a text and went on with her day.

It was also the day Ethan called her and told her that he was shot. Then he texted the groupchat about what happened and they all (including Quinn) rushed over to his and Chad’s apartment to see in person that he was actually okay. A bit of a freaky situation that Ethan was caught up in that, but everyone calmed down eventually. But when Ethan told the story, Quinn hoped your disappearance had nothing to do with his getting hurt. She also noticed that he was bummed about you not being there.

It was the second day she got worried. No sign of you. Nothing on the news about Spider-Woman, either.

Bruno Mars Security Team GC

Quinn

Anybody heard from Y/N?

Chad

aren’t you her roommate

Quinn

Hasn’t been home since Saturday.

Ethan

She hasnt answered any of my texts

Chad

okay now i’m worried

tara? mindy? anika? sam?

Mindy

nope. anika says no too

Sam

Not me or Tara. I’ll try calling her

She didn’t answer

Ethan

Quinn do u know where she’d go? maybe to a family member?

Quinn

I dont know her aunt mays address

Chad

let’s wait a day to see if she turns up. if not then we’ll get together to brainstorm

You weren’t there the next day, so everyone gathered at yours and Quinn’s apartment to see what could’ve happened to you.

They all stood around the kitchen island.

“Has everybody called her?” Chad said, arms crossed. “Texting her and everything?”

Everyone nodded.

“Quinn,” Tara began. “Have you checked her room?”

She looked down, almost ashamed. “I did, actually. Nothing.”

“Do you think we should…check again? Maybe we’ll find something.”

“I’m good at snooping, if you need.” Anika added.

Quinn’s eyes slightly widened, “No!” Calming down, “I mean—no. She doesn’t like other people going through her stuff. I can because I’m her roommate—not you guys.” At times of stress, this was the best she could come up with.

“Okay…” Mindy’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “How about an address to Aunt May’s place? Do you think we could find that somewhere?”

The realization dawned upon her—no way of getting to you. “No. But she would’ve told me if she was going there.”

“Look, Quinn.” Mindy sighed, “Can you just—be honest with us?”

The ginger nodded.

“What was the last thing she said to you?”

“I—she was going out to buy something.”

Ethan’s nostrils flared—he knew when his sister was lying. Why was she so adamant to hide your whereabouts, even if it meant you were in danger? He sighed.

“I’ve—“ Everyone’s heads snapped to Ethan at his interruption. “I’ve had enough of it, Quinn. What the fuck are you two hiding? Seriously.”

Safe to say there was nobody in that kitchen who wasn’t surprised at his sudden outburst. He didn’t care, though.

“You always fucking lie, Quinn. I can tell. Why don’t you think I can tell? She goes missing, and you’re still keeping a secret!”

Chad put a hand on his shoulder, “Dude.”

The boy took a deep breath, reminding himself where he was. “Sorry. For shouting, I mean. But you can’t just—ask us to look for her when we all know damn well that you know something we don’t.”

At that moment, she had two choices. She thought for a long moment before she couldn’t find a rational explanation as to why she shouldn’t tell them that you’re Spider-Woman—you could be dead by now.

She walked away, hearing Mindy say “Are you fucking serious?” right behind her.

They didn’t have to wait for long, because Quinn came back from your room with something in her hand. They examined the object as she threw it onto the counter.

It was a mask—Spider-Woman’s mask.

“Holy shit,” Sam was the first to say.

“Wanna know the secret?” Quinn crossed her arms. “There’s your fucking secret.” She directed it at Ethan, whose mouth was slightly open.

She took a deep breath, a similar trait to her brothers to calm herself down. “The night she left, she told me she was going on patrol. When she didn’t come back the next morning I thought she was fine. Now it’s the third day, nothing from her. Look—I might’ve—like, fucked up. I don’t know.”

“How?” Asked Mindy.

“I should’ve told you sooner.”

It was clear to them that Quinn must have had this weight on her shoulders for so long.

“I have…so many questions.” Said Chad. “So when…Spider-Woman came to my apartment, that was Y/N?” He grabbed the mask, analyzing it with his hands.

“Why do you think she came to yours? She knows you have that stupid med bag with the unused suture kit.”

“Is that why she always left?”

“Mhm.” She nodded. “I thought—things were getting better. She was getting close to us again, stopped patrolling some nights because of my brother’s stupid discord calls.”

Ethan was breathless. “What?”

“Look—point is: she didn’t want to put anybody in danger. If I didn’t find out by accident, she never would have told me. She just…cares about you guys too much. She thinks if you know she’s Spider-Woman, you’d be in danger.”

When Ethan came face to face with Spider-Woman in the bodega, it was you. That was your concern, practically radiating off of you in waves. He knew you seemed familiar, somehow. But everybody knew Spider-Woman. He knew you differently. You saved his life.

Everybody was taken aback by the news. But Sam, ever the leader, began. “She’s been protecting us this whole time. All of us. It’s time we have to do the same for her.”

“How?”

“We find her. In any way possible, even if it means we have to track down her entire family, go back to her high school friends, anything we can think of, okay?”

There was no doubt in anyone else’s mind that they were all on board with the plan.

“Let’s do it.”

ONE WEEK LATER

It was the first night in a week that Ethan got proper sleep. The exhaustion finally caught up to his body after countless sleepless nights spent poring over clues on how to find you. He’d been making progress on the Oscorp lead when the last thing he remembered was slumping over at his desk.

Which was why it was weird when he opened his eyes, he saw the ceiling. He was laying down in the comfort of his own bed. Maybe he actually went to bed and didn’t realize it. The sunlight peeking through the curtains was probably a sign to get up, get back on the investigation.

That was until he sat up and saw a figure at his desk, standing over some of the files he sorted.

It took him a second to see it was you. Was he dreaming?

“You’re finally up.” He heard the voice come from you, and saw your mouth move, and as he processed your sweet voice and the teasing lilt to it, he almost fell off his bed jumping out to rush over to you.

He almost knocked you over as his (surprisingly) muscular arms wrapped around you in a quick second, you returning the hug with a smile he could feel on his neck. He was almost speechless. Almost.

Slightly pulling away, he got a good look at you, unharmed, grinning at him with the power of a million suns. He kept his arms around your waist, keeping you close as if he was afraid you’d disappear once more. Nonetheless, he mirrored your expression as he felt your breath on his face and your arms looping around his neck, running your hands through his soft curls.

“You’re…here. You’re actually here.”

Your soft hand came to rest against his chest, feeling his heartbeat along with hearing it.

“I’m sorry I left.”

The boy shook his head, “What matters is you came back. You always did.”

“I always will, Ethan.”

YESTERDAY

It was early morning and the feeling of defeat was strong in the room. Everyone was there at your and Quinn’s apartment all with one goal: to find you. They’d started this search almost a week ago with a determination in their eyes akin to a fight for survival, mainly because it kind of was. But as the days went on and the meetings at the house got longer to discuss other possibilities surrounding the circumstances of your disappearance, the metre to measure the disappointment was getting higher.

They all sat at the couch, flipping through the news channels, all talking about how Spider-Woman hasn’t been seen in over a week. It was an alarming wake up call for the city, because crime rates had gone up significantly without the friendly neighbourhood spider watching over the residents of the city that never sleeps.

The news anchors all echoed a similar message. Where is Spider-Woman? Many have theorized that this may be the end of an era—

Sam clicked the red button on the remote, the screen turning to black. “We can’t give up.”

“I didn’t wanna have to, but—“ Tara sighed, “We said if we can’t come up with anything, we’d get the police involved.”

Chad slumped right next to her. “What are we supposed to tell them? Hey, our friend’s been missing for a week and we’re just now reporting it. And FYI, she’s the vigilante who does your job for you.”

“Not like that.”

“But we can’t tell them she’s her, right? If they find her, she’d be arrested.”

“If they find her alive, that is.” Mindy added grimly, looking at the ground.

“Dude, come on.” Her brother tapped her arm.

“I’m just saying.”

“Quinn, Ethan.” Tara refocused the conversation, “Your guys’ dad is a cop, right?”

They looked at each other before nodding.

“Can you talk to him? You don’t have to tell him anything just—find out if anything happened lately, okay? Anything new.”

Anika added, “We’re not even on the week mark. It’s tomorrow. How about we focus on our leads today, then meet again tomorrow. If there’s really nothing, we’ll go to the police, okay?”

“That sounds good.” Ethan agreed.

“Alright,” Sam exhaled. “Dismissed.”

Everyone was sleepless that night. There was the obvious tell of the bags under everyone’s eyes growing bigger, not to mention the slouching and the less than ideal attention span they had lately.

Quinn’s eyes were wide open in the dark of room, wondering and hoping you weren’t dead in some back alley somewhere.

A sound in the living room broke her out of a dazed stupor. It wasn’t too loud, but not subtle, either.

On edge, her hand shot to grab the bat right next to her bed, a gift you’d given her for self defense purposes. She was careful not to make any sound, clearly unlike this moron who was breaking into her house on the middle of the night with heavy steps.

The fridge was open, the door hiding the figure of the person behind it.

She was ready to swing—

You. The figure closed the fridge door and it was you in your suit.

Maybe it was the lack of food that caused you not to notice her presence immediately, but you heard the clacks of the wooden bat hitting the floors before you clocked your roommate fully embracing you in a bear hug.

“Quinn!” You chuckled, returning the embrace. “Missed you too.”

She pulled away abruptly after a second, a stern look on her face but a layer of worry in her eyes. “Where the hell have you been?” She grabbed your shoulders and pushed back a little, looking over your entire body, checking for injuries—but you were clean. Not even a scratch. “Shit, you’re okay.”

“I—“

She hugged you again.

That was when you realized why she reacted like this. “How long have I been gone?”

She looked at you like you were crazy. “You’ve been gone a whole week.”

“Shit. I didn’t leave a note, did I?”

The guilt on your face was apparent, but it was nothing compared to the stress everyone had gone through while you were away.

“You didn’t. All of us have been looking for you—“ Something dawned on her. “I…had to tell them.”

You didn’t react the way she expected. She expected you’d be upset—angry, even, but not this. Not you being the one to hug her this time, taking a deep breath.

During the embrace, you spoke, your voice vibrating on her shoulder as your head rested against it.

“It was so stressful, out there. I have so many things to say. But I’m so tired—I wanna explain everything later.” You sighed, “How’s Ethan?”

“He’s okay. I’ll drive you to his place tomorrow, okay?”

Mindy, Chad, Tara, Anika, and Sam all woke up in their respective apartments to a text message in the group chat.

Quinn

Can we all meet at Chad’s place today? In a few minutes. Urgent!!!

After the conversation yesterday, they all expected the worst. Maybe Quinn had gotten information from her cop dad that Spider-Woman was found dead—they were all thiniing it. Ethan, however, having been up until late, was still sound asleep, phone on silent mode.

They met at the front door of the apartment building (of course, except for Chad, who was in his bedroom staring at the text in worry), Sam looking among the group to reassure them. “Guys,” She sighed. “Maybe if’s not bad news.”

Mindy turned to her. “Really?” She sounded exhausted, almost ready to give up.

“If Quinn had really bad news, she would’ve called us. Probably, right?” Tara backed her sister up.

“Let’s just…go in. She’s probably not even here yet.”

Just then, the sound of a car approaching quickly caught their attention—Quinn’s car.

Tara was at the end of the group, giving her the advantage of seeing first who was in the passenger seat of the car, getting out.

“Y/N!” She yelled.

The rest of them turned, almost running to the middle of the street as you closed the car door, leaving Quinn to find parking. You ran to the sidewalk, running into Tara’s arms.

You could feel the warmth radiating from the group as they welcomed you back with open arms, feeling guilty that you must have made them worry for them to react like this. Knowing some of their history with the murders in Woodsboro, it must’ve been terrifying for them to think they could’ve lost another friend.

It wasn’t long until you felt the missing piece, a hole amongst them that resembled a shape in your heart: Ethan.

“Where’s Ethan?” You tried not to show panic, but it was likely obvious due to Anika immediately reassuring you.

“He’s okay! He’s fine—he’s just sleeping.”

You sighed, relief taking over. “He doesn’t usually sleep in this late.”

“He was up late last night, he said he got a good lead on you. He…” She contemplated for a moment, not wanting to worry you. “He took it pretty hard when you dropped off.”

Tara almost slapped her arm. “Yeah,” she looked to you, watching carefully for any signs of panic. “He was worried. Probably more than any of us. But you can wake him up.”

“Do you…Can you tell us what happened? Where were you?” Mindy was reluctant to ask in case it was difficult for you.

But you were happy to tell them—you figured you owed them that much after having them think you were dead for a week. “I’ll tell you inside, come on.”

Pizza and drinks were being passed around, everyone was here, and you chose to sit right beside Ethan. He couldn’t stop looking at you. You could feel it.

As you animatedly told the story of meeting other people who also had spider powers, had similar stories, Ethan then began to wonder what would be next. Would you stay? What if you wanted to go back there, be with people who really, truly understand you?

By the end of the night, the group was preparing for the sleepover. But you could tell something was troubling Ethan. You studied him from the couch while the crew was gathering pillows, and he caught your eye and said, “Wanna go to the rooftop?”

You tilted your head on instinct, confused.

“You know…good air.” He shrugged.

“Sure.”

The walk up was silent. Maybe more than silent, if that were even possible.

As he opened the door to the rooftop, you made eye contact for half a second. And in that half second, Ethan decided he won’t lose you. In that half second, you looked away, then looked up again—and he gently grabbed your wrist, pulling you close enough that you felt his breath on mingling with yours, so close that you thought he was going to kiss you. But he began to speak.

“Can I—”

And you kissed him.

It was a small one, but when you tilted your head to lean in closer and tangled your hands behind his neck—Christ.

You pulled away abruptly and he wondered if he had done something wrong. At the same time he said “Holy shit,” you asked, “Wait, that’s what you were going to ask, right?”

Once his brain recovered, he finally nodded, “Yeah. You beat me to it.”

After a pause, he began again. “Does this mean you won’t leave?”

“Leave? Who said that?”

“Well, I just thought—”

“You’re an idiot, Ethan Landry. Come here.”

Additional Author’s Note: I apologize that Ethan and Reader do not have as many moments in this. Thank you for understanding. Again, if there’s enough interest, here’s a list of fic titles I’d be able to post wips of (keep in mind these are unfinished, you’re allowed to write continuations but my one wish before leaving this site is that my work is not fed into any kind of AI and that includes character ai):

blackout (2k)

dialogue (2k ish)

the dress (900)

rain (1k)

story beats for murder party part 2 (3.2k, jot notes)

reflections (2k)

the bear au (500 ish)

thief (800)

like a fool, im thinking of you (500)

avatar:

hard to love (2k, lo’ak)

sorry for any mistakes i didnt catch during editing !

[bunnliix]

The Point of No Return - Hongjoong x reader

I am in an angsty mood so here we go. This was born out of the need for angst but also Ateezchella so this is what happened.

Pairing: Hongjoong x reader Summary: Hongjoong had invited you along with them to Coachella, not wanting you to miss out on this experience with them. However, things don't go to plan. wc: 3k AU: n/a Genre: Angst, Hurt/no comfort Nets: @newworldnet warnings: Death, blood, kidnapping, disappearances, crying, descriptions of a dead body, it's basically just really depressing and sad. it's hurt/no comfort for a reason

You had followed the boys to Coachella for their performances, partially because your boyfriend wanted you to experience this with him and the rest of the members. You had watched their soundcheck, cheering as loud as you could in support of them, which left a smile on Hongjoong’s face. You thoroughly enjoyed the set list they chose for the festival, jumping along to every single song and sometimes attempting the choreography, making the boys try their hardest not to laugh. You weren’t exactly a dancer, so sometimes the moves ended up looking a little funny, but you were having fun and that’s all that matters. 

Today was D-day, the boy’s first performance at Coachella, and the boys were a bundle of nerves, and so were you. There was nothing any of you could really do, except try and relax, and you were told by all the boys to go and enjoy the performances for the boys since they weren’t able to roam around before their set. You roamed around the festival grounds, enjoying the atmosphere and the vibes, and just soaking in the energy around you. You went to attend Sabrina Carpenter’s set, which was one of the few that day that you were excited to watch live. There had been a couple times you almost had the chance to see her live in concert, but then life or Ateez things had come up and blocked those plans.

Being that you were a part of the Ateez entourage, you normally wouldn’t have security, but Hongjoong was concerned about sasaengs and other dangers that could happen at the festival, and added you as a part of the security team’s list of people to protect. So you had two members of the team with you at all times, despite your insistence that you would be fine by yourself.

“Won’t the boys need you back with them soon?” You asked one of your bodyguards.

“We’re supposed to stay with you until you meet up with the staff before their set.” He informed you, the other nodding along in agreement. 

“Well, I don’t really need both of you here, I’m only going to Sabrina’s set, and then I’m going to head over to the Sahara stage to wait for their set. Maybe one of you can head back then?” You suggested to them.

“We’re really not supposed to leave you with only one of us, Mr. Kim told us that we’re both supposed to stay with you until you meet with KQ staff.” The other bodyguard spoke up.

“But if I’m only going from one stage to the other, what could go wrong?” You said.

“If you’re sure you’ll only need one of us, then I’ll head back.” The second bodyguard told you.

“I’m sure. The boys will need you more than I will.” You told him, a tone of finality in your voice.

Watching the guard walk away, you turned to the remaining man, telling him that it was time to head over to the stage for Sabrina’s performance. He walked closely behind you as you made your way through the crowds, weaving through the groups of people, quickly navigating the festival grounds and arriving just in time to Sabrina’s set. You didn’t mind being farther back, it allowed you to have more space to move about, and room to breathe.

Singing along to every song she sang, you were having the time of your life. You had more than a couple people look over at you during the entire set, not that you cared. Though, there were more than a couple times that a couple different sets of people bumped into you, which you quickly shook off, not thinking anything of it except that people wanted to get closer to the stage and were not aware of anyone around them. You didn’t let some rude people ruin the fun and excitement of finally seeing Sabrina live.

Eventually the performance came to an end, and it was your time to head over to the Sahara stage, to find both one of the staff members that you were meeting up with, plus to get a spot for the boys’ performance late that night. You once again started weaving your way through the festival grounds, stopping for some food and a drink along the way. You waited in line with your guard right next to you, and after getting what you paid for, you headed over to the Sahara stage, ready to start the long wait till your boys’ set. Once you got close to the stage, you waved off the remaining bodyguard, telling him you could make it the short distance to the staff member by yourself, and he reluctantly left, heading back to where the rest of the security team was situated. 

Time skip to the performance...

Hongjoong was having the time of his life on stage, soaking up the atmosphere around him, feeding on the energy coming from his members and the crowd, and knowing that his girlfriend was somewhere out there as well, cheering him and the others on just as she had the day prior. All too quickly did it end, and despite the mix up that was the failure of the boys to exit the stage the way they planned to, the rest of their performance couldn’t have gone better. 

Arriving back at the backstage area for performers, they quickly took photos, before finding somewhere to sit down and just relax after the adrenaline rush that was their performance. The minutes ticked by, Hongjoong growing worried and impatient that you had yet to show up backstage. Had staff not done their job? Had they not made sure you were allowed back here? Should he send their manager out to grab you? He checked his phone, but you hadn’t sent him anything. Maybe your phone died? These questions swirled inside of his head, until the staff member they had assigned to meet you came rushing into the area, and over to the group's manager. Hongjoong got up, making his way over to the two, when he heard his manager exclaim to the staff member.

“What do you mean she never showed up?! Why didn’t you say something hours ago?!” The manager half yelled at the staff member, who started making excuses. 

Hongjoong stopped in his tracks, the words constantly replaying over and over in his head. You had never shown up and made contact with the staff member? He knew your bodyguard came back, he saw the man return, but he had assumed that meant you had found the staff member who was supposed to be responsible for you during your time spent at their stage.

Seonghwa came up beside their captain, a worried look on his face. “What do you mean she never showed up? Where is she then?” He inquired, to which no one had answers for him.

Hongjoong stayed silent for a moment longer, before launching into action, moving to find the men responsible for your safety. He quickly found the two men, barking out at them, “What the fuck were you doing? No one can find my girlfriend, the woman you were supposed to be protecting?!” He yelled at them, throwing any pretense of being calm right out the window. 

The guard who he had seen return started talking first. “I escorted her to the stage, and once we were there, she convinced me that she could find the staff member on her own, and so I returned here.” He told Hongjoong.

“You should have stayed with her until she made contact with our staff. Now she’s missing and it might be your fucking fault!” He yelled, getting close to the security guard until San and Jongho pulled him away, the entire group having followed their captain on his warpath. 

“I didn’t think she could have gotten into danger in the couple hundred feet it would have taken her to get to the staff member.” The guard justified his actions, and indirectly, your choices to tell the guard to leave.

“Well you made a wrong decision. Now get out there and go look for her, you assholes!” He screamed at them, the two quickly leaving with the rest of the security team to scour the grounds for you, or any hints as to where you’ve gone. 

The members convinced Hongjoong to go back to where they had been, and wait for news. Hongjoong couldn't sit still, pacing back and forth until he heard that they had found you. He wouldn’t be able to handle anything less than you showing up in front of him. He couldn’t bear the thought of them not finding you, of never seeing you again.

A security team member came jogging in, trying to catch his breath once he stopped. He raised a hand, and Hongjoong immediately knew it was your phone. He’d recognize that case anywhere, he hand painted it for you after all. Sunflowers, the flower you reminded him of. The reality of the situation started kicking in at that moment, and he knew that you wouldn’t have just left your phone hanging around. There was no way you would have, you protected your phone like it held the codes for nuclear bombs.

He fell to his knees, knowing something had gone horribly wrong, and he felt responsible for it all, seeing as he was the one who pushed for you to go out and enjoy the festival. He should have kept you here with them, shouldn’t have let you out of their, out of his sight. If he had kept you here with them, it wouldn’t be like this right now, you would be safe here with them, not out there alone, or worse. 

Yunho moved to take the phone from the security team member, using the code they all knew to open it. Finding that once he did, the notes app was left open, and as he read the text on the screen, he felt his stomach drop.

‘She doesn’t deserve you. No one deserves you. You’re too good for her. It’s okay, you’ll be better off without her. Atiny will make sure she stays far away from you. You don’t need to worry about her. She’ll be an eternal attendee of Coachella.’

Mingi looked at the text from over his friend's shoulder, and could help but let out a sob. This alerted the others that something was wrong.

“Yunho. Mingi. What’s going on?” Seonghwa questioned, and Yunho could only shake his head before he turned the phone towards Seonghwa, who quickly read what was on the screen, tears falling from his eyes as his hand came to cover his mouth.

Hongjoong, coming back to the present, quickly stood up, losing his balance and Jongho rushed to steady him, before he shrugged off the maknae’s help.

“What’s going on?” He asked, looking between the three men.

“Hongjoong, I don’t think you should know.” Seonghwa tried to persuade his best friend.

“I need to know. Show me now!” Hongjoong said, before just snatching your phone from Yunho’s hand, looking down at the text on his lover’s phone. His face paled as he read further, the phone eventually dropping from his hand, dropping right down to the ground. Yeosang rushed to pick it up, finding that the screen had been shattered, the text on the screen still readable, though the fairy-like man couldn’t find it in himself to read it, not after seeing his friend’s reactions to what was contained on the phone.

Hongjoong himself collapsed, his body falling to the ground not long after your phone did. Where were you? He couldn’t believe that their fans, no they weren’t fans, not if they did something to you. They could never be fans if these were the actions they decided to take, that they felt he was too good for you. He was in a state of shock, he couldn’t process anything going on outside of the thoughts in his own head. 

Thankfully Seonghwa stepped in, ordering the security team and their staff to go searching the grounds, making sure they knew to cover every single piece of the festival, and they all set out. Yunho and the others were already huddling around Hongjoong, trying their best to comfort the man, their friend whose girlfriend is currently missing and more than likely, in danger. From those who claim to be their own fans. 

None of the boys have any sense of time, seconds feel like minutes and minutes feel like hours, until the sound of an incoming call comes from one of their phones. It’s Seonghwa’s phone that’s ringing and he answers it, hoping for good news. As the other boys watched him step away and listen to what the person on the other side was saying, they saw him freeze before he dropped to the ground as his hand holding the phone fell into his lap.

Yeosang and Wooyoung hurry over to their hyung’s side, Yeosang hugging the older man while Wooyoung took the phone, pulling it up to his ear to find out what happened, interrogating the person on the phone. Soon he fell into the same state as Seonghwa, sobs bursting out of his mouth as tears flowed down his cheeks, his head shaking as he repeatedly denied the knowledge he had just gained. This signaled to the others that whatever news their staff had, wasn’t good. 

“Seonghwa-hyung, talk to me. What did they say?” Yeosang tried to get his friend to talk, but his friend wouldn’t say a word.

“They found her.” Wooyoung whispered, everyone turning to him, the silence so loud you could hear a pin drop, despite the roaring of the crowds not too far away.

“And?” Mingi asked, daring to hope that they would get some good news tonight.

“She’s dead. They killed her. She’s gone.” Seonghwa managed to get out, before he doubled over, unable to say anymore. 

‘She’s dead. She’s dead. She’s dead.’ Those two words echoed in Hongjoong’s mind, and he wouldn’t, he couldn’t let himself believe that. You couldn’t be dead, he saw you only hours ago. There’s no way they would have killed you. Why would anyone want to hurt you? He stared down at his hands as they sat in his lap, feeling as if he just believed you were alive and this was all a big joke, it would become true.

“They want one of us to come confirm it’s her. They’re sending a member of the security team to come take one of us to her.” Yeosang spoke up, having just hung up the call with whoever had informed them of this news.

Silence reigned over them for a couple minutes, until Hongjoong spoke up. “I need to see her. She can’t be dead. She just can’t be.”

“I don’t know if that’s wise Hongjoong-hyung.” Yunho said to the older man, “I think it’s probably best if one of us goes to do that. You don’t want to have your last memory of her like this.” He told his friend.

“She’s not dead, she’s just fine. I’ll see her and we can get her some help and she’ll be okay.” Their captain continued, deep in denial.

The rest of the group looked at him with pity in their eyes, they knew he wouldn’t believe that you were gone until he saw it for himself, but they didn’t want to see him destroy himself once he realized the truth. They knew exactly how much their friend cared for you, and this would destroy him. He was planning to propose to you next weekend, after they finished their performance. And now he’d never get the chance to.

Finally the members of the team arrived to lead whoever wanted to take the burden of confirming that the body was in fact you. What they arrived at, was the boys on the ground and cries and sniffles coming from those who realized it was time to go see you. Seonghwa stood up, assuming the responsibility, though Jongho joined him, and soon it became the entirety of Ateez, surrounding Hongjoong at the center of them all. He had insisted on going, and none of them could tell him no.

They made the trek over to the spot where those people had left you, and sadly, it wasn’t far from where the backstage area was. It was a deserted area, where very few people would stumble upon, leaving the perfect place for those demented people to take you.

San was the first to see you, where you laid on the grass, with so many people surrounding you. His steps faltered, and that caught their attention until they saw where San was looking, and gasps and cries came from the group as they processed that it was really you. That you really were gone, that your lifeless body laid there on the grass, almost as if you were just taking a nap instead. Hongjoong scrambled over to you, everyone moving out of his way to allow the idol passage.

He fell to the ground next to you, a shaky hand reaching out and touching your face, flinching away at how cold you felt. This was when it all started to kick in for him, that you were really gone, that he’d never get to see you smile again, never get to kiss you, never get to hear your voice call his name.

“You can’t be gone, you can’t leave me like this. We were supposed to spend our lives together!! You have to come back! Please, just come back to me.” Hongjoong cried out, leaning over your body, the shirt you were wearing was his, he picked this outfit out for you this morning. God, that was the last time he saw you alive. He’d never get to wake up next to you in the mornings, never get to go on another date with you. Never get to see you walk down the aisle towards him wearing a wedding dress and saying yes to being with him for the rest of your lives. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. 

The rest of Ateez gathered around Hongjoong and you, both mourning your passing and trying to be there to support their captain, their friend. You were a special part in all of their lives, how were they supposed to move on from this?

If you wanna see a beautifully written continuation to this fic, check out this fic by @vent-stink, which I consider a very canonical ending to how Hongjoong would react after all of this.

Taglist: @bethelighthalazia

[trust-sancus]

NO LONGER ACTIVE

This has been on my mind for a while, but I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it’s best I step back from the tmnt fandom.

I knew going into it and making videos on tiktok would lead to an unhealthy obsession with creating and engaging in fandom content, to the point that I’d completely neglect my original art and other matters in my life. But I did so anyway for the momentary satisfaction that fandom brings.

But in truth, it has been eating at me that I am unable to focus my time nor energy toward my original work, and now it dawns on me that nearly an entire year has passed & that is a lot of time that has been wasted. Yes, it was fun, and I’m glad my work was able to bring some enjoyment to others, and that I was able to enjoy others’ work as well…..but ultimately, it has kept me trapped in place in terms of where I want to be in life.

I need to get back to creating original artwork, so I can build my business and really start toward the life/future I want.

I’ll always have a love for tmnt; that much is clear. I mean, I’ve loved them for the better part of 28 years, so I know they’ll always be a special interest of mine. But I need to keep that love contained, for my own sake, and not spend my time interacting as much with the fandom as I have been.

Not that I don’t care for you guys (you’ve been awesome tbh). It’s just that I lack the ability to focus my energy toward two things at once, and in this case, my dreams, my career, and my future livelihood have to come first. Sorry if this is a disappointment to anyone.

I really did want to create a comic for my tmnt iteration. Maybe someday I will, once I am further along with building my business. But really, I know that’s likely wishful thinking & it would be better to put my time toward original comics rather than fan comics, if I am to do any at all.

I might still draw my turtles on occasion and post them here (no promises though). And I will probably check in to maybe look at fanart occasionally. I may also randomly update my current fanfics, if only because I sometimes use writing as an outlet. But aside from that, I will no longer be very active on here, so please do not expect any prompt replies should you message me or tag me in anything.

The tmnt fan iteration blog still has a bit more scheduled, but I probably won’t reblog anything else there once it catches up, as I won’t be on here enough to look for new iteration posts.

Kudos to anyone who has actually read all of this. Sorry I tend to ramble. Didn’t want to leave any unanswered questions. Sorry if this all seems pretty sudden (it’s been a long time coming for me).

Thanks for being cool, and I wish y’all the best.

[thedemigodoracle]

Please read:

Ok, so as I jokingly said before “I’m back.” - I’m not joking, I am back.

Not entirely yet but here are some things to wait for in the near future.

Before I list it I need to browse fast through the real life stuff first so bear with:

- one of the reasons I did go missing from art and fandoms in general wasn’t just the ammount of books but also family situations, depression, relationships and in the last few years I lost grandma, grandpa and even my mother to a disease they don’t have it diagnosed yet because it was so rare.

Obvsly took a major hit to my mental health and the ability to write and just have energy kinda left me. I’m handling it I’m in therapy. This is all we need to talk about it.

- it’s been over ten years since some of your fave fics have been updated and while both Clichesbullet on ff.net and thatu on DA will be there and won’t be deleted HERE are what’s to expect:

1. My endgame here is reading the books back and forth again, as well as other source

Material for other fandoms I will

Be publishing for.

-updating the old fan mixes and uploading it to Spotify so it’s more accessible and going back (when possible to art).

- I will use AO3 some new aesthetics and user name (though probably just thatu) and edit a lot more to fit what I believe is better not because the world changed in general but because so

Did I.

Some of the racism and homophobia will still be there are these are the characters having flaws whose arcs weren’t complete but lots of it will also be changed because I’m 34 now I also the world is changed and some stuff just wouldn’t fly and I kinda hate it (but the old material is still there available on the old

Accounts).

- I’m not sure technology will be adapted but some references will here and there and I can clearly deliver something better now that I’ve taught English for over half of my life and am taking a masters degree on translation studies.

- real life will get me too busy sometimes so please I hope you’re excited but I know lots

Of you also have jobs or even families. So leave reviews and keep

Me company but also understand I was bad at updating before even with better time

Management this is will be a ride.

- I’m doing this to prove myself I can do and make good things.

- This site as well as the thatu blog will be updated.

- if you were a follower and have deleted your tumblr or changed usernames please leave a reply with who we were because I’ve had an eventful few years. I remember most of you, but I may need a nudge.

- both my writing and art style have developed and so did my world views - stuff will look different but hopefully still bring you comfort. And laughter.

And tears…?

- there will be some one shots posted focusing on stuff like grown up characters and new knowledge

We now have though the characterization will still follow the book ones as that’s how I kinda got used to it.

- I’m back but I’ll be getting back slowly and posting updates here. Tell ur friends who haven’t been here in a while but used to be part of our group of

Weirdos.

- I missed being a fandom person and hopefully now I can find solace in you guys back again.

- some new fandoms will pop up, as will

Some

Ships (see what I did there? Find solace? Will some ships? Hehe).

-Some extra texts will be added to whatever adaptations I make especially regarding transphobia and HP though I do intend to finish my Hannah/Neville story.

- maybe I’ll write original

Stuff too who knows?

Also, I missed you, spread the word. There’s a brand new old me in town. New ships, new views, new one shots, edits, a very different music taste (actually no I just added more stuff) and a lot of improved knowledge of vocabs and world geography.

Please spread this to whoever you think might be interested. It’s not popularity or anything, I’m trying to get back some pieces of me I lost along the way and writing and drawing used to be FUN and help me make FRIENDS.

I’ll keep u posted once everything is at least remotely ready to go.

And omg you’ll finally know what Silena had on clarisse.

Oh and I’m still not for writing smut but there will be more Adult/Mature like material as some ships require it and I am older. No minors having descriptive s*x

Of course but u know it’d feel weird to talk about these huge ass long relationships and not bring it up naturally.

Anyway, reply to this with whatever. Leave a like or something too but mostly leave a reply so we can start this journey together -

New younger fans are also welcome I’ll make my best to keep this space as safe as possible!! I teach kids and teens and I’d kill for u to have a place to be you safely.

Also there will now be additions on author notes for whether a ship is canon or fanon what I adapted and new fandoms new ships and trigger warnings before sensitive chapters that deal with stuff that before I wouldn’t.

Love, I’ve missed this,

thatu.

[permanentconundrum]

10/04/23

I’ve decided I want to get faster at writing so I am going to blog a few days and try to make a practice of it. I worked on my writer resume tonight. It’s already 9pm. I am kind of tired. Listening to old school indie music. Still no job yet, since August 2022. It might be weird to go back to work. I’ll need to make sure I can wake up early. Read a little philosophy this afternoon. I should check the news in the NYT. I haven’t been paying close attention recently. I talked to a recruiter about a few jobs but they don’t pay great. In the first half of 2022 I started looking at work because I wanted to take the next step. Now I’m taking a step back perhaps. That’s what happens when you don’t work for over a year. I have had time for poetry though. That’s been good. I hope to finish some poems. Read some sad poems in the October issue of Poetry Magazine, but I think poetry is a great place for difficult topics. Reminds me to pray for others, and know someone somewhere is having a difficult time. You aren’t alone in this. I think it’s important to remember those who are suffering. You aren’t alone in this. I kind of want to look at art more. I want to read more too. I read some last night, the October issue of Poetry. The Decemberists are on the radio. I’m thinking about how to manage myself so that I don’t run myself out of energy. Sometimes you need to not use all your energy in one activity so you can focus elsewhere as well. I have a running goal to lose weight by the end of 2023. Send positive vibes. I want to look more like a runner. I pass quite a few runners in town driving around. Running is a big goal. Poetry is too, but I need to find a job so I can pay bills. I’m watching my diet again. I didn’t watch it last week really. It’s rough. I have trouble getting to the gym 7 day/wk. But maybe I just need to build the habit. It is incredibly important to my health. Where do I want my life to go? I want to be a senior engineer. Or I want enough money to buy a car and go to NYC every year. I want to pay off school debt. Yeah, the job is the money, but it can be fun or at least important. It is work. Somehow I want energy to write too. And read. So more writing and reading and less TV. I want to read more too. Having a job will take energy, but I don’t need to commit myself to 10hour days every day. I hope to get interviews for the jobs I applied to today. I also should apply to more. Maybe tomorrow I won’t sleep through the afternoon and be able to work on more submissions. I could stay up later tonight because I haven’t been able to fall asleep very well. I am watching my energy and mood and healthy habits this month. October has been difficult in the past. I don’t know if it’s from burn out at work or just an affect of the season. I have been pretty happy in Spring and Summer this year. I think I don’t like the sun setting soon. Maybe I will take a drive tomorrow and look at leaves. This blog is all over the place but it’s fine. I wish I didn’t have to be so careful about with things like mood and energy. I do need more daily focus on diet and exercise. I’m hoping to get to the gym 5 days this week. Both today and yesterday were good runs. Tomorrow I’m going for a speed work out. Twins won their wildcard game to progress in the playoffs. Watching the news now. But the gym is very important to me. I need to keep the habit building weekly and daily. I am excited about making progress with running. Longer durations and more mileage and hopefully higher speed. I will stretch tonight. I’ve been feeling sore today. I used a couple weight machines in addition to my treadmill workout. Not all the machines, I was not feeling the weights today. I have a few goals longer term, but I should think about shorter term goals. I did hit a distance target about a week ago. Maybe I should try to tack on half a mile to that distance. I need to think about what to do for easy run. I guess easy should just be easy, and push on the hard efforts, like speed work and long runs.

[shinakazami1]

Been busy lately so I don’t have much time to review and edit, but here I am! (this was supposed to be sent on the anniversary.) (edit 1: It’s already (edit 2: halfway through) november.)

(edit 3: i gave up. words be damned, i’m sending this. there should have been more. curse you writing)

(edit 4: reminder. write a long ask anywhere else except the actual tumblr ask window. sending again just to make sure i didn’t hallucinate all this- it would be so, very embarassing...)

hehehehehe love your art. Crunchy. Pringles. Crushing it in my mouth. yummy colors and perspective (That bucket sexyman design looking kinda fine though.,..i mean who said that) (->absolutely normal behavior)

I love how you interact with others’ art, leaving your comments and compliments. Really appreciate that little motivation boost and positivity you spread :)

As seen from Paratober, you seem to take the prompts beyond their face value and messed around with the concepts of those prompts (gonna put Jester in a carton box hehe. Can we have Jester loafing? Loafing in a box?)

Personally I’m not a writer, so I don’t know how you guys’ brains work but I love how you come up with interesting ideas stemming from the game’s original material, expanding, digging deeper into them. I look up at you all in wonder hehe

Also, I read unheard wishes.

You see, I rarely ever seek out angst. I came in there with “this is gonna hurt but I can totally bring myself through this”

Boy was I wrong. Now, because I didn’t read it properly enough to leave a comment that would do it justice (time restraints get you like that), I won’t give a lengthy review. But just so you know, my general feelings were “who do you think you are. did you really think you had the right to hurt me like this. *inhales* aaaaaaaaaAA *cars crashing glass breaking sound effects idk* *lays motionless on the ground* (affectionate)”

Maybe i’ll read your filk wip next. Biology is fun :]

It’s your way with the images you make for your stories and art. Candlecurator? Whatever’s up with fernarrator? I’m not listing the ones in your writings. A lazy, lazy anon I am, I know. [insert another keyboard smash]

I haven’t been here for a while so i don’t really remember much, sorry ;; (-> fake fan detected?!? *vine boom*)

Your theories definitely left the strongest impressions on me. How do you all think like that?? (this goes to the rest of you, tsp theorists/analysts/meta. what are you all on??? damn. give me some.). Perhaps it’s a writer’s thing, maybe I’m just incompetent in this deep thinking kind of stuff.

My favourite was the nature connection theory. Absolutely ate that up. (definitely not because of my bias for plants and nature-related stuff, noooo-). You somehow connected the plants in the parable, creating these wonderful strings of text about what you saw in these plants, the implications, and then sharing those ideas to us. Give me your braincells, shina. Give me-

[Close your eyes.]

Anyway- I think you’re pretty neat :]

Have a nice day!

✨✨✨!!!!!307 ANON!!!✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

ᴬᵍᵃᶦⁿ since I was already writing a draft to respond to your previous ask. The fact you have this copy makes me hope you are saving these asks somewhere because I lost a lot of posts thanks to the great Tumblr editing system....

Happy (belated and too early at the same time hehe) anniversary 307 :] To your edits - PLEASE start writing drafts somewhere else oshsaoifas I don't want you to lose your versions again. You might say you are not a writer but you decide to write such beautiful comments and asks - value your words more :]

Anon. I have an exam this week so it will take my energy but DO KNOW YOU WILL GET BUCKET SEXYMEN SKETCH. I imagine you will see it in a few months but,,, I hope you will like it, just like you like my art in general.

I feel now in retrospect so silly I hadn't done this sooner!! While I sometimes don't have the energy to comment on other people's stuff in my own comments, I know how much joy being told your words could make someone happy :] And I love interacting like that!! Shared appreciation!!! That's why I adore Tumblr in general - it feels most organic in that ability to engage with others as a social media.

I'm glad you like the Paratober prompts! I am happy I mixed the prompts to try to get even more creative with them!! And feel free to put him in every box!! Some old art of Jester in a box:

(I gotta finally start uploading my old art I do have. There is so much...

FEEL FREE PLEASE TO LEAVE MORE COMMENTS EVEN A SILLY ONE BUT OUGHHH I am so proud of Unheard WIshes so thank you so much <333333 Glad you could enjoy

Just remember anon that I do not know your age and the rating for Filk is Mature so please respect the ratings :]]] Ao3 tagging system is there for a reason!! However I still keep on getting opinions that Filk seems to target 16+ demographic since it's more South Park style...But still, please respect it :]

Oh sure, you are so lazy *looks at your very detailed an amazing asks* so lazy. But WAH THIS IS LIKE??? A VERY RARE CANDLECURATOR APPRECIATION??? Like I know folks see Fernator and like him but to hear you like her means so much to me ;;;;;;

And hey - life gets busy :] The fact you wanted to come again, read my story and wrote this, rewrote even god knows how many times... I will always think fondly of you.

DUDE OUGH I need to return to theories, I have so many yet to share,,, you wanting one means a lot to me :} I worked hard on the Fernator theory post so I am glad to hear you could enjoy it! I might do a pool on what people could want hehe

[Closes my eyes and tries to close yours]

I think you are very neat, 307 anon. Thank you, for being you and I hope I will see you one day again. Every ask, I worry it's also a farewell. And then - you come back. I hope you are okay out there - I hope your life, even if so busy, gives you moments of happiness and calmness.

Have a lovely day, 307 :]

[jasmariswonderland]

“What Do You Think You’re Doing?” ~ Danica’s P.E. Uniform Vignette

“If you’re open to it, working hard can be fun too!”

Danica has been behaving strangely, lacking her usual energy to the point those around her are beginning to take notice. Little do they know, she’s recently begun a new late night activity. Timeline for this is sometime in October. 

Fake screencap made with assets from the wonderful @ alchemivich! 💙

~~~

*Trein is giving a lecture and Danica is nodding off *

Danica: …

Epel: …!

Epel: *Whispering* Danica! Wake up! Before Professor Trein…

Danica…

Trein: Miss Ledelle…Miss Ledelle! 

Danica: !!!

*Everyone starts staring at her and Trein glares*

Trein: Sleeping in class is inexcusable! See me after class!

Danica: Y…yes Sir…

*Trein continues his lecture and Epel gives her a sympathetic look*

Danica: (Ugh, I guess I’m more tired than I thought. But I must focus. I can’t fall asleep again or Trein is really going to let me have it!)

Epel: (She’s been out of it all day, yesterday too.)

*Danica appears alert now, but somewhat sad)

Epel: (I wonder what's making her so sleepy.)

*Timeskip to the end of class and everyone leaves except Danica*

Trein: *Glaring at her*

Danica: *with her head nervously lowered* Sir…I…I’m terribly sorry for earlier. I don’t know what happened, it’s not like me to…

Trein: Yes, it certainly is not like you to fall asleep in my class! And this isn’t the first day I’ve noticed you not paying attention.

Danica: …

Trein: Over the last week there’s been a noticeable shift in your awareness in your studies where you are normally so meticulous. *now looking slightly concerned* Is everything alright? Are you feeling well? 

Danica: Sir?

Trein: You are the last person I ever expected to scold for something the other students do on a regular basis. It is very unlike you indeed. I am as concerned as I am displeased. 

Danica: I…well…(eh…maybe the late nights are beginning to get to me after all…) I…I’m very sorry for today. I’m not unwell, I’ve just…been focusing on a lot of things at once. 

Trein: I see, because this is the first time this has ever happened, I won’t make much of a fuss for it but I still expect this to be the last time. 

Danica: Understood, Sir. I promise it won’t happen again.

Trein: See that it doesn’t. After all, with your father’s legacy, I expect nothing but the best from you.

Danica: My father? I know he attended NRC, but did you know him, Sir?

Trein: I did, Felix Ledelle and I attended this school at the same time though I graduated a year before. Nevertheless he was quite the gifted mage and from his daughter, I expect to see the same brilliance. Remember that, you may go now. 

Danica: Yes, Professor. I will not let you down. *she leaves the classroom* 

~~~

Danica: (Whew! That could have been much worse! But I must be more mindful about…)

Epel: *standing next to Jack* Hey, Danica! Are you alright? I hope Trein wasn’t too hard on you.

Jack: It isn’t like you to fall asleep in class. Normally you’re one of the few actually paying attention. 

Epel: That’s what I was thinking, are you alright? 

Danica: I’m fine, though I was up a little later than usual last night. I nearly slept in this morning and had to rush to get to class before I could be late.

Epel: Yeah, you did seem a little out of it this morning too.

Jack: Well P.E. is next. *smiling* An hour with Vargas should wake you up for sure.

Danica: Yeah you’re right, and then I can go back to Pomefiore for a while. *smiling* I’ll be fine. (Just gotta hang on for another hour, then I can take a nap before…)

~~~

One evening about two weeks earlier…

Danica: Wow! This room is huge! It’s just like the studio at my dance academy! There’s even mirrors and barres! And no one is here right now, hmmm…

*she looks around for a few moments*

Danica: But first…

*She leaves the ballroom and returns now wearing her P.E. uniform, ballet shoes in hand*

Danica: Since starting school, I haven’t had much time to practice. And with my recital over winter break coming soon, I really should remedy that. Hopefully Vil-san won’t scold me for being in here without his permission…okay, let me start with a few warmups. 

(...)

Danica: A few exercises at the barre.

(...)

Danica: Good, no one has come in here yet. I think I’ll be able to do some center work too. But let me turn my music on a low volume to be sure.

(...)

Danica: Still no one, this is wonderful! 

(...)

Danica: I might be able to do this all evening! 

(Danica soon becomes so caught up in dancing that she doesn’t realize that Rook entered the ballroom and is now watching her)

Rook: *smiling* 

(...)

Rook: Quelle beauté! 

Danica: !!! *stops dancing and gasps* S…senpai! Vice dorm leader, Sir…I…I…

Rook: *chuckling* Come now, I’ve told you before there’s no need to address me with such formality. 

Danica: I…I… *she blushes and takes a few steps back* I didn’t think anyone would be in here at this hour. 

Rook: Normally no one is, but I thought I heard activity here, and I was correct. *smiling* I’ve never before seen you dance and to say I am enchanted would be quite the understatement. 

Danica: Th…thank you, Rook-san, but…please…I haven’t had any time to practice since coming to school. Please don’t tell Vil-san I’m here. 

Rook: Ohhhh? *smirks* Another secret between you and I, ma cherie?

Danica: *blushing again* Oh, no! No, no! Nothing like that! It’s just that…I really need time to practice so my skills won’t become rusty and also…Vil-san has never seen me dance before.

Rook: Ahh, your devotion to your craft is tres admirable, as is your devotion to everything else you do, quelle beaute! But I am certain Vil would not object to you taking time to practice here, especially after he sees your devotion first hand. 

Danica: See my devotion…first…you mean…*Rook nods and her eyes widen* OHHHH! Oh I could never! I…I…excuse me, Rook-san!

*Danica rushes past Rook out of the ballroom, but he smiles*

Rook: So full of secrets and surprises, mon petit cygne. And I am determined to discover each and every one of them. 

~~~

Danica: *breathing heavily* Ughhh,  Rook-san always has such kind things to say but…him seeing me dance was embarrassing to say the least. And if Vil-san saw…*sighs* Maybe I should find another time to practice in the ballroom. *closing her eyes thoughtfully* Hmmm, maybe a little later this evening.

~~~

(Timeskip to later that evening)

Danica: Okay, it’s a little past midnight but I did sleep a little earlier. *looks around her* No one around, and Vil-san is pretty prompt about when he retires too. I should be safe to practice for an hour or two. 

*Danica enters the ballroom to begin her late night practice*

Danica: One, two, three. One, two, three, Echappe to arabesque, and land in fourth. 

(...)

Danica: (First pique turn, second pique turn, pate bourree) 

(...)

Danica: (Ah, this is so much easier not worrying about anyone barging in at any moment.)

(...)

Danica: (Still, I wouldn’t mind an audience. But singing in front of my dorm leaders was daunting enough. Dancing is my true forte and I couldn’t bear to perform in front of them without being less than perfect. Especially Vil-san, seeing him waltz in that last film he was in, left me speechless. He’s so skilled, just like…)

*Danica stops dancing for a moment*

Danica: (I still have such a long way to go before I’m on my sisters’ level. That will take a while but until I’m as good as Fiona, I can never let Vil-san see me dance.)

*she looks down sadly*

Danica: (Regardless of how much I’d like him to.) *sighs* (Okay, back to work, I’m not going to get to Fiona’s level just standing here.)

(...)

Danica: (The more I practice, the closer I’ll be to that goal. And the sooner I can share my skills with Vil-san and not be mortified by it.)

~~~

Back to present time, a day earlier…

*Danica is sitting with Epel and her dorm leaders, looking slightly weary*

Danica: (Ugh, the Film Research Club was using the ballroom until late last night and I still had to study for Professor Crewel’s alchemy exam. I didn’t get to practice until nearly 2am!)

Epel: Danica, are you alright?

Danica: *suddenly looking alert* Oh! Oh, yes, I’m fine, Epel. Why do you ask?

Epel: Just that…I mean…It’s only that you seem a little tired. 

Danica: Do I? Well I…didn’t go to bed at my normal hour but rest assured…

Vil: *frowning* What’s this? You’re not staying up late, are you, Little Potato?

Danica: What?! No! I mean, not really, Vil-san. I was only…studying for an alchemy exam I had today. I went to bed a little later than usual but wanted to be sure I was fully prepared.

Vil: No doubt studying is important, but so is sleeping when you need to. Your academic performance will never be 100% if your mind isn’t properly rested.

Danica: Yes, Sir. I’ll…try to remember that in the future. 

*Vil stares at her for a few moments*

Danica: Yes Sir? Is there something else?

Vil: You tell me. You certainly seem to lack your usual energy. Is there something I should be aware of that’s taking it away?

Danica: I…no, Sir. Nothing I can think of. 

Rook: Well then, we expect you in bed at a decent hour tonight. We can’t have your lovely skin marred by dark circles. 

Danica: Yes, Rook-san. 

*Rook smiles to himself, knowing exactly why Danica was staying up late the previous night*

Danica: (I know I should probably go to sleep early tonight, but last night I was able to pull off five fouettés in a row. I want to see if I can do ten tonight. But then maybe I’ll cut back on late night practices after that.)

~~~

A few hours later…

Danica: Good, it looks like everyone retired at the normal time tonight. *yawns* I’ll try to be quick tonight. 

*She enters the ballroom to begin her late night practice*

Danica: A few exercises, and then I’ll work on my fouettés.

(...) 

Danica: (I wonder if Vil-san suspects I’ve been doing this. I really hope Rook-san didn’t tell him about when I was practicing that one day when he saw me. Then again, he would have said something by now if that was the case.)

(...)

Danica: (One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…ah!) *She looses her balance* (That was seven, three more and then i can sleep.)

(...)

Danica: (Six, seven, eight, ni--ahh!) *She looses her balance again* (Ugh I’m so close! Why do I keep screwing this up?!)

(...)

Danica: Maybe…I’m a more tired than I thought. And maybe I should…

*the sound of a footstep*

Danica: Oh! Is someone there?! I hope that was just my imagination!

*She stands still for a few moments before deciding to continue her practice*

Danica: (Yeah, I guess it was my imagination. But that might also be my sign to wrap this up soon.) *takes a deep breath* (Okay! This time I will do ten!)

(...)

Danica: (Seven, eight, nine, TEN!!!) *she stops, smiling widely* (That was ten! I did it! I was able to pull of ten!)

*Danica walks over to the corner of the ballroom, feeling exhausted but also accomplished*

Danica: One day, I want to be able to two thirty two in a row, like the Black Swan. But this is a good start. *yawns* I wonder if Fiona would be proud of me too? I hope so. 

*She sits there for a few moments more but soon enough, her eyes begin to get heavy and she falls asleep*

*the sounds of footsteps becoming louder, followed by a tall shadow looming over her*

???: Ara ara, what do you think you’re doing? Here at this late hour?

*Danica is still asleep, completely unaware of the other person’s presence*

~~~

Pomefiore Dorm ~ Danica’s Room

The following morning…

Danica: *bolting awake* SHIT! What happened?! Where…

*she quickly realizes she’s back in her room, her shoes are on her nightstand though she’s still wearing her PE uniform*

Danica: How…how did I get back in my own room? The last thing I remember is…oh it doesn’t matter now! What time is it? 

*she looks at her phone and her eyes widen when she sees the time*

Danica: SHIT!!! Classes start in forty minutes! Ughhh! I need to hurry up and get ready! 

~~~

Later that day after PE…

Danica: *looking weary* Finally, classes are over. Trein really let me off easily but I gotta be more careful not to doze off in class again. *sighs* Maybe I’ll ease up on the late night practice for a while. *yawning* And now for some much-needed rest! 

???: Not just yet, Little Potato! I’d like to have a word with you!

Danica: !!! 

*she frantically turns around to see Vil behind her*

Danica: Vil-san! Oh…I mean, hello, Vil-san. What did you…wish to talk to me about?

Vil: Hmph, you tell me. Yesterday, you seemed quite out of sorts and I couldn’t help but wonder why…

Danica: … (Oh no…)

Vil: …last night, I happened to be up strolling around the dorm, and come to find out, I find someone in the ballroom, sleeping on the floor in the corner. 

Danica: !!!

Vil: Would you like to know who it was?

Danica: I…I…

Vil: Hmmm?

Danica: I…I guess there isn’t any use in me denying it then. *lowering her head* I…was sneaking into the ballroom but…it was only so I could practice ballet! I…haven’t had much time to do so since coming to school so…

Vil: *frowning* So you thought that between sleep and practice, you could do with one and not the other rather than trying to find a way to incorporate both into your schedule? That neglecting sleep at night would be a better alternative to better time management during the day? 

Danica: No! No, I mean, yes, but, I…I know it’s a public dorm space. It seemed…kind of presumptuous for me to think to take it over since I can never know when it’s being used. (Only half the truth, but as much as he needs to know for now…)

Vil: …

Danica: I’m terribly sorry, Vil-san. I won’t practice there again if you don’t want me to…

Vil: Now stop right there, Little Potato. I never stated such a thing. 

Danica: Hmm?

Vil: If all you needed was a space for dance practice, you should have said something to me sooner.

Danica: I…what? (But how could I…when…?)

Vil: As a professionally trained dancer myself, I understand the importance of daily honing of your skills. *smiling* Tell me, are you en pointe?

Danica: Yes I am, I went en pointe when I was ten years old.

Vil: *slightly surprised* Ara, quite a tender age to begin such advanced technique. Your devotion to your craft is very clear then, if you weren’t doing this late at night, I would say it’s admirable.

Danica: Wha…really? (That’s…exactly what Rook-san said to me!)

Vil: If you have a talent, Danica, it’s important not to let it go to waste. I’m not pleased with you loosing sleep over this, but at the same time, I understand not wanting your skills to remain stagnant. 

Danica: But…what about…

Danica: *now smiling* Really?! I can? That…that’s wonderful! 

Vil: We can discuss scheduling practice around your schedule and when the Film Research Club uses the ballroom at a later date. But you may begin the day after tomorrow. 

Danica: Thank you, Vil-san! (Yes! I won’t have to worry about sleeping in class again!)

*Vil gives her a sly smile, as though he has something else up his sleeve* 

Danica: I greatly appreciate this, you are too kind.

Vil: Oh you think so? I wonder if you will continue thinking such when I tell you my condition for you using our ballroom. 

Danica: Condition? *looking slightly concerned* What…do you mean?

Vil: You’ve mentioned in the past that you dance, yet neither I nor Rook have had the pleasure of seeing your skills firsthand. 

Danica: I…well, like I’ve said, I haven’t had much time for that since coming to school. 

Vil: I understand the circumstances, just as I understand your desire to continue honing your skills. And if you’ve gone en pointe at such a young age, you’re likely already at the pre-professional level. Still, I don’t grant access to Pomefiore’s ballroom for just anything, not even to it’s own dorm members. 

Danica: Then…why are you allowing me to use it? *He smiles wider and she blushes* Wait! Why…unless that means…?!

Vil: You may use the ballroom for practice the day after tomorrow, and I and Rook will be in attendance. 

Danica: !!!

Vil: I’d like to see how far along you are in your ballet training, assess your skills as well as your potential for the future.

Danica: The…FUTURE?! What does that mean?!

Vil: Heh heh, you’ll find out in a few days, won’t you?

Danica: But…I’ve never danced around others outside of being on stage! How could I…

Vil: And you told me you’ve never sang solo before your dorm concert, and yet you did. This will be no different. 

Danica: I…you’re sure you want to see me dance? I mean… (nonononono! I’m not ready for that yet! I’m not on Fiona’s level! He can’t see me dance yet!) 

Vil: If you want to use the ballroom for future practice, then yes. I won’t hear any excuses, if you’re willing to neglect sleep then you must be serious about this. 

Danica: …

Vil: And so am I. Now, Little Potato, I’ll leabe you to go get some much needed sleep. *smirking* I’m looking forward to seeing you so don’t you dare let me down. 

*Vil walks off, leaving Danica completely mortified*

Danica: Ohhhhh, this was NOT what I had in mind! Maybe I should have just let Rook-san watch me after all. Now Vil-san wants to see me dance even though I’m not yet skilled enough. What will he think? What will he say? Ohhh, now I’m DEFINENTLY not getting any sleep anytime soon! 

- END - 

(A/N: I may or may not be working on a follow up to this that I’ll try to post soon...)

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2018 Giving a few Facebook friends till the end of the year to interact with me. If they don’t I’m deleting them. I don’t know why but I’m very picky about that. I don’t add people to my friend list for decoration. There’s gotta be some interaction even if it’s only once a month or so.

Are the Twenties ignoring me or something? I asked them about the uptick in commercial planes and if they knew anything about it but they’ve completely blown me off. They would interact with me occasionally but lately, there’s been nothing. Mr. Twenties claims he’s not using Facebook because of privacy issues. Yet he seems to be on playing games. I have a feeling he has me blocked from his posts but oh well. His account, his choice.

At the end of the year, I will be doing friend list housekeeping and deleting a few deadbeats. Kim and Eileen from Massachusetts will likely be going and so will Sandra, an older PB lady in Tennessee that I never hear from anymore either there or on Facebook. I’ll have to look and see who else is worthy of being deleted but I don’t have many friends there to begin with. For some reason, I’m extremely picky about who I add there and I currently only have 22 people added. I’ve become more into keeping people I know and “reality” separate from other sites like PB, Twitter, etc. To me, Facebook is reality or at least it should be; real names, real people, so I’m not going to be sharing journals and stuff like that there anymore.

So what’s with the strange loud motor? In the mornings lately, I’ve been hearing what sounds like large utility trucks entering the park. Yesterday I heard the steady drone of what sounded like something running that wasn’t too close but that was probably pretty loud. I have no idea what it could’ve been but I’m dreading the next project I can’t drown out with sound machines. I still say they’re going to pave the roads if they don’t tear them up again for some shit that got fucked up somehow. Or to replace something with newer stuff.

I want the new MacBook Air. Maybe someday. It would help if the US would get with the times and not cost its people so much in medical expenses. The water tank’s pressure valve is leaking now, too. Starting to think that going to Hawaii one more time and getting a decent bed that won’t sag in a few months is just a dream.

Yesterday was a wonderfully calm day with sufficient energy. Why can’t it always be like that or at least 75% of the time? Now I don’t know what the hell to think anymore. Tom thinks I was just anxious on Monday because it was the start of the week when he’s going to be out for five days in a row. But then why do I sometimes get anxious when we’re hanging out together on weekends? We know the medication was responsible for the problems I had when I first went on 75s and when she tried me on 88s. That’s a no-brainer. But maybe the random anxiety really is due to my lady hormones still fluctuating unless I’ve got something else going on with me I don’t know about which seems unlikely. Too soon to say whether or not the Liothyronine or magnesium supplements are helping. Skin is still pretty dry so that may not be a good sign but then I am older and I do live in a climate that’s damn near close to being the desert.

I seriously wonder when it’s going to rain again. We’ve only had a few days of rain in about half a year. It could make up for lost time in a month or so, though. I love the rain and how it keeps things quieter but I don’t want the roof to get any worse before we leave.

Nothing from Norma so I’m guessing she either didn’t get a chance to talk to Tammy or she learned that Tammy’s just being her usual hypochondriac self. Maybe she feels uncomfortable saying anything negative about Tammy so she’s chosen to say nothing at all. Well, I’m not going to say anything more. I’ve got to live my own life and worry about my own problems.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2018 Yesterday was Kate Jackson’s 70th birthday. Jaclyn Smith is a few years older.

Tom said several people are quitting at work and going to work at some other warehouse but doesn’t know what the pay is. The thing is that they were already making a lot less than he makes. It would really be nice if he could get a job working graves because it would make doing things in the daytime easier, like going to appointments, but I can’t believe any other place would start him off at $19 an hour. But if it was third shift then being an American company wouldn’t matter. It would suck if he couldn’t get as many days off but at least he wouldn’t have to take days off for appointments.

The water was off yesterday although I went to bed right before they turned it off. The fucking water is going off again on Thursday. Damn, am I sick of this place! I hate to think of being here another 5-6 years. I can just imagine all the projects I’ll be in for. Never lived anywhere before where I dreaded the possibility of them working in the road or cutting trees down with their thunderously loud saws and wood chippers. I also can’t believe all the planes here. There have definitely been way more commercial planes. Early yesterday morning it was one after another and I’ve heard several since I’ve been up. There’s no getting peace here even at night.

I wish noise was the worst of my problems but unfortunately I was very anxious yesterday. It was almost to the point where I dreaded the idea of him leaving for work. Stopping the Amberen again after reading that they recommend stopping after 90 days and then if you have symptoms doing another 90 days. It’s a mega longshot but there is a very very slim chance that it could be contributing to my anxiety even though I wouldn’t think a blend of vitamins and minerals would do that. I suppose anything is possible even though I doubt it has anything to do with it. So far today I’m calm but it’s a little early in my day. That’s usually a midday thing so I’m still about 3 hours away from any potential trouble. Going to be taking my magnesium, vitamin D and multivitamin in a few minutes. If I get unusually anxious I may stop the magnesium. A few people did say it actually wound them up. Can’t say if the Lio had anything to do with it or not. Looking at my notes, it seems I’ve had 5 anxious days out of the last 15. As I may have said before, I’m beginning to think that if I was meant to fix this then I wouldn’t have had it for so long to begin with.

The glasses came today and I’m still not sure if progressives are right for me. I hate how you have to look through a specific spot in the lens in order to see certain things. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to traditional bifocals even though I would lose mid-range that way. They’re awfully loose too, so they’ll have to be tightened. The round raspberry frames look better on me than the rectangular purple frames but the purples are only for the computer anyway.

Norma replied saying she hopes Tammy and I work things out, sisterhood is important, her sister left her and her brother, etc. She said she’ll keep my message between us and hasn’t spoken with Tammy recently but will call tomorrow (today) to see what she can find out.

I would still think that if she was really dying, Norma and I would’ve been notified. Plus, Tammy’s been on Facebook pretty much daily. If you were dying, would you really be on Facebook every day?

I think I’m still a bit too nice, too caring, and too forgiving. Meaning that I know I should simply ignore Tammy regardless of biology if Norma confirms she’s not dying after she calls her today. Saying you want to die, are thinking about dying, feel like you’re dying, or think you might die at a specific time is one thing. Saying you “won’t be around long” is another. That’s low. That’s just really low. That’d be great for her and the girls if she wasn’t checking out anytime soon but I’m definitely done with her, without guilt or shame, if I learn she lied about dying.

Plus there’s all the other drama I could do without. I’ve had it with the she said/he said game, and I’m not going to defend or explain myself to anyone either.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2018 I guess I better get caught up here before I get too behind.

Tom worked from home yesterday on and off for about 11 hours and made a couple of hundred extra bucks which never hurts. I may have more appointments but he’s been costing us more medical-wise, as I love to bust him about.

We both took our first magnesium supplement yesterday. He noticed no effects but it may have made me a little drowsy. I’m tired today as well but only because I was up a long time and only slept 6 hours.

Went to Walgreens yesterday morning where I got some M&M’s and pork rinds which I pigged out on and ended up having heartburn and nausea at the end of my day. If I get it again today I’m going to wonder if it’s the magnesium. Took it for the second time a couple of hours ago. Still way too soon to say whether or not it’s going to help me with anxiety. I’m taking every preventive measure I can think of. I’ve tapped, I’ve taken my multivitamin, my vitamin D, and my Amberen. I’ll probably take that last one every other day instead of every day. I still don’t think it made me anxious but I have to try to find out what’s what and I can’t do that if I do too much at once.

Took my 5th dose of Liothyronine and I’m nervous about that approaching one-week marker. There are actually a few milestones I have to hope I get through. First one is a week.

At Walgreens, I also got some soda and colorful gems that you stick on whatever. I used the purple ones to stick on the little green spot of light on my laptop power cord. It’s amazing how such a teeny tiny spot can give off so much light and be so damn bright. It’s literally like having a night light in here. My alarm clock is much worse, though.

Saturday I decided to take a chance and sleep without the earbuds since my appointments aren’t right around the corner. Sure enough, traffic woke me up.

We ordered a narrow shower curtain that’s 36x72 for the master bathroom shower because I would still like to have that shower as an option if I want to shower when he’s asleep like right now. We’re going to remove the leaky glass door but not get rid of it. We’ll put it back on when we leave. That is, assuming I really survive to get out of here someday! The shower curtain has a beach scene on it with ocean, sand, and sky.

I also ordered another bronze figurine, this one doing a yoga pose. They call it a pigeon pose. This one is a little different than my other bronze ladies. The others are completely nude and in sensual or casual poses. This one has a painted body suit.

Last night the planes were amazingly quiet but I’m sure that around 6am the commercials will be zooming by one after another. I never did get a reply from them either. I sent a message to the Sacramento Airport.

Last night I had a dream Tammy and I were working on our computers side by side. We were both on Facebook. Only our “computers” were these large touch screens on the wall. I saw Tammy tap a button to add me as a friend. I accepted and wrote, “Hello, bitch,” with a smile emoji.”

It was after this that I finally decided to do something I’ve been debating on… Go to Norma and beg her to keep my message between us. If she betrays me I will simply delete her. No words, no confrontation, no nothing. I’ll just delete her. I filled her in on the situation and hopefully she can give me some concrete information as to what’s really going on with Tammy.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2018 “Implying that you’re dying simply because you’re pissed is low. Like really low.”

That’s what I posted publicly on Facebook wondering if the drama queen might see it and come to her own defense, giving me an idea of whether or not there’s any truth to her implications. But there’s no evidence she’s seen it or been to my blog.

I was also hoping that if she didn’t, maybe Norma would ask whom I was talking about and I could get some information from her. I thought about sending her a private message and begging her to keep our chat between us but I know she won’t. She’s always favored Tammy over me and while that in itself is fine, I know she can’t be trusted. She proved that 30 years ago in Springfield when she automatically assumed I was behind the prank phone calls she was getting and went to Ruth about it. I swear I have no recollection of ever calling her but it was a small city, so if I ever did call her, I dialed randomly and got her by accident. This happened to Andy a couple of times with a couple of people. Norma did apologize for the false accusation and admitted she should have gone to me but I still wouldn’t trust her with a secret.

Tom needs to invent a browser toolbar with drop-down menus with links to pages on the same site. I want to bookmark all my blogs on Blogger but that would take up a lot of the bookmark toolbar space.

Went down to the lake to give the ducks the old bread and felt warm, a bit weak in the legs, and my heart raced a bit as well. My vitals were fairly decent, though, after I got back and relaxed a bit. Might have happened even without the Lio since it’s happened before and is common in women my age.

Now I’m still a bit warm, slightly light-headed, and tired. The biggest thing is not getting anxious. I’ll make my special Sleepytime brew at around midnight.

They’re going to be turning off the fucking water for 6 hours on Monday. I’ll be asleep through most of it. I had a feeling about this too, before Tom told me he got a message about it. He said a few days ago he saw a major pipe burst by the gate. They capped it off temporarily.

We’re going to be dropping our eye insurance plan at the end of the year because of the way they restrict when we can get exams. Rather than pay them to tell us when to go, we’ll just pay for it ourselves and go when we want to.

Last night I had a dream I spotted Linda Ronstadt in some restaurant. I was eating alone and she was three or four tables away, also eating alone. I thought of going up to her but I didn’t want to bother her. Seeing that she was almost finished and would leave before I did, I decided I would say hello on her way out. Yet when she got up and walked past me, I had a big mouthful of food and couldn’t chew and swallow it fast enough to say anything. So off she went without a word from me.

Then I had this dream that I was in this strange jail. There was a lake that was pretty wavy for a lake in which we swam in. We also had these really weird gadgets that I guess were phones. I don’t know why I was there or for how long but it was weird. Stacey might have been in the dream as well.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2018 I was so exhausted yesterday that I fell asleep early and got up a little early. Felt a bit wound up toward the end of my day yesterday as well. My schedule’s definitely been rolling slower and I think it’s mostly due to how exhausted I’ve been getting. So many days I’m too tired to stay up my usual 16 to 18 hours. I see both Dr. A and Dr. O on the 17th of December and right now my schedule is ideal for my morning appointment with Dr. A but if it backs up too much more it will make Dr. O really hard.

I’m back to tapping more and having more Sleepytime tea for whatever good it may do me, and we even ordered Triple Calm Magnesium capsules from Amazon that a friend on Prosebox recommended. There are some scary reviews but most look promising. I don’t know if it will help with my particular kind of anxiety because I don’t even know exactly what it is. Is it generalized anxiety or does it fit into some other category? Tom still thinks a lot of it could be on my hormones and not the meds, which I’ve survived my second dose of. Tom wants to try them for leg cramps that sometimes wake him up.

77% of the reviews are 5-star while 4% are 1-star. Some said it made their palpitations worse and kept them up at night. The more desperate I get, though, the more I’m willing to risk potential side effects.

So far, I have more energy today and I’m still fairly calm but like I said yesterday, anxiety tends to be a mid-day thing so that’s when I’ll have my Sleepytime tea as a preemptive measure.

Worked out on the Bowflex for 10 minutes and the treadmill for a half-hour. If my energy levels and hips will let me, I’ll add a half hour a day until I’m walking two hours a day. That way I burn a little over 400 calories.

Even though the Amberen is an unlikely culprit because this particular kind of anxiety didn’t start until about 5 months after I started it, I’m going to back off of it for a while and see how I do. I’ve had a little more in the way of hot flashes lately but not too much lightheadedness. That was the biggest thing it seemed to help the most with.

The only good news is that Tom gets to work Saturday which gives us a couple of hundred extra dollars but he gets to do it from home. He’ll be working from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. instead of his usual hours.

Last night’s dream may have been a glimpse into another dimension since I lived at home with an older sister and younger brother. We lived with our single mom who looked a lot like Vera Farmiga, Mrs. Bates on Bates Motel. We were trying to talk her into going on some game show and making big bucks because she was really smart and was able to answer all the questions they asked their contestants.

The layout of the house was pretty clear. Some of it, anyway. I don’t know how old I was but to one side of my room was a bathroom in which my mom’s room was off the other side. To the other side of me was my sister’s room and my brother was across the hall.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2018 Well, I’ve got shitty news and I’ve got good news. The shitty news is that I was both anxious and depressed during the last half of my day yesterday. First half started off a little tired and a little light-headed but that improved.

The good news is that I’ve survived my first dose of Liothyronine. But one dose is far from enough to tell me anything either way. All I can say is that it’s very unlikely I’ll ever have an allergic reaction to the stuff. The next milestone will be getting through a week, then six weeks, then over two months. If I can get over two months without incident, that would be great. It would be beyond great, however, if it could help stop the anxiety.

Yesterday’s surprising and disappointing bout of anxiety has me more confused than ever as to what could be the cause. The thought of never being able to figure it out and never being able to do anything about it is, to me, a very real and scary possibility. I’m trying not to go there in my mind but it both does and doesn’t make sense for it to be the Levothyroxine. My T4 isn’t elevated right now so it can’t be that. Could my lady hormones still be out of whack despite being virtually menopausal? Could some of it simply be my way of reacting to stress these days?

I don’t know. I just don’t know what to think anymore. All I know is that I find myself entertaining some very dark thoughts way too often at times and if the anxiety doesn’t stop soon, who knows how many more years I can take of this shit before I seriously consider acting on them? I don’t want it to come to that but I don’t want to live to suffer so much of the time either.

No anxiety yet today but for some strange reason, it tends to get me in the middle of my day. I’m just tired today because I’ve been sleeping shitty for a few days now. Until I can get good sleep, I’m not going to have much energy. I have a feeling that even if I was never anxious again, I would still be fatigued a lot of the time. I’ll still take that over anxiety, the anxiety is the absolute worst.

I’ve been itchy a lot lately and I’m having serious doubts about ever finding my LS in remission. Even if I did, though, the past always comes back to haunt me. Sooner or later it will return.

On his next birthday, we’ll be able to start checking every month to see how much money he could get if he retired at that moment. I’m sure the only thing we could afford would be those $300 studios back up in Oregon.

Crazy Lisa was in my dreams last night. I was writing her letters by hand. We were talking one day and she told me she was selling them online. Apparently, selling postal letters had become a big thing since they had become less common.

My dream self loved this idea and was all excited to start selling letters too, even though I wasn’t getting any, LOL. So she was about to sign me up on a site I could sell them through, which needed my credit card info. I decided to wait and see which credit card of ours Tom thought would be the best one to use so I asked her to just give me a site tour until he got home.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2018 Worked a little on the dollhouse but might need his help with the wiring. I’m sorry I got this kit. It’s way too much work and it’s actually kind of boring. Every time I think I’m almost done, there’s more to do.

Next time we replace half of the fish’s water I’m going to remove the wasted castle and plants. He’s shown no interest in any of it and it would make it easier for me to suck shit off the bottom.

We’re also going to keep the rats on the bottom of their cage and close the upstairs because of how hard it’s gotten for them to walk.

I’m not feeling as bad as expected today but I am a little tired. I was a little light-headed earlier as well but that’s cleared up and I’m perking up a bit. I didn’t sleep all that great because I kept waking up.

I wish to hell I was oblivious to climate or liked cold weather and snow. Canada would be a great place to retire as long as the cost of living was reasonable. They have mobile home parks for older people too, and Universal Health Care. It’s a liberal country that takes care of its own. What’s not to like about it?

A cold climate would definitely make for a quieter place to live as I wouldn’t have to hear the loud obnoxious sounds of landscaping every single fucking day nor would there be as many motorcycles. They may keep making vehicles louder despite the technology we have these days but it would be a lot quieter overall. I just can’t see myself suffering through such cold and snow all over again, though. I really want to be in a tropical climate even if it means more motorcycles, more noise in general, the risk of hurricanes, and also losing a good chunk of our money to medical expenses. If we go somewhere where it’s significantly cheaper to live, like Florida, maybe that will help balance out the medical costs that will increase as we continue to age. I don’t know, though. We have to pay a grand for his MRI and now a grand for his steroid shot. We’re not going to get a place 2k cheaper per month because not even this place is that much.

When the time comes, he is going to switch to a more expensive insurance plan that will take a little more money out of his paychecks but that covers more.

Random thought of the day: I was remembering when I was shown a private girls’ school close to home when I was 16 before my mother gave me up to the state. Although there may have been much more freedom there than Valleyhead ever had and I would later come to wish I had chosen the damn place since I would end up with no choice in the end, what kid wants to voluntarily leave home to live with strangers no matter how unhappy their home life may be? Huh? Tell me. What kid? Did they really think I was going to come out that day and say, “Oh wow, this is cool! I like it! I want to live here so bad even though I don’t know a damn person in this place. I want to leave my home and all that’s familiar to me even if my mother’s an abusive bitch who doesn’t do my mood and self-esteem the least bit of good. I’ll be happier in a house full of strangers where I don’t have much of my belongings and nothing is familiar to me. So exciting!”

Well, guess what, Dureen? The daughter you were so sure was crazy was really normal after all.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2018 Yesterday I was exhausted all day and a bit depressed as well because of it. Today I had enough energy to go for a walk and I feel pretty good overall. I’m just enjoying it while I can because I know it won’t last.

Last night my mind raced with all kinds of questions and possibilities. I thought of all the stories pertaining to near-death experiences that I’ve heard over the years describing tales of visiting both good places and bad. Well, I still don’t know if I believe in any kind of an afterlife, but if there is such a thing as Heaven and Hell, I wonder if there are different versions of these places because different people have told different stories of both places. That is unless they’re just that…stories. Or maybe they’re hallucinations or dreams that they truly believe are real.

When you consider those who believe you automatically go to hell if you don’t accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior, this makes me wonder about some things. If this is true, how could I get myself to accept something I don’t even know if I believe in? This is just a story people tell and not anything I can verify as true or not. I can’t make myself believe what I don’t know. And what about babies who die before they’re old enough to be told these stories and possibly turned into believers? Do they automatically go to hell?

Lately, I find myself questioning what my behavior may achieve in the end if there is any such afterlife where our actions are judged. I worry I may “pay” for it in the end if there is an afterlife and I continue to ignore my family. But at the same time, I know I should follow my heart and my head whenever I feel it’s best to do so and just be myself for there are no guarantees I’m going to be judged for anything even if there is an afterlife.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2018 Woke up with this horrible pain in the center of my back but it’s better now. I’d say it’s time I stop the HIIT routines. I’m too old and heavy for those. I’d rather just do basic cardio, work my core, and play around on the Bowflex every now and then. I just wish I had the energy to do it more regularly!

I also woke up very tired. I was up a long time last night unable to sleep because I had been caught up on sleep the day before. I was up for about 19 hours and slept for about 9. I’ve been very tired ever since. I wonder if I overdid the tacrolimus, if I had a huge sugar crash from the cheesecake I ate, or if it’s something else. I’m just sick of feeling so blah so often. Even if I had a good story idea (though I don’t), I’m still too tired for too many days to do things like NaNoWriMo next month, especially with a hard word count of 50k.

We ordered the glasses today so they’ll be here within two weeks.

We used the new fish tank vacuum hose to siphon out half of the betta’s water and replaced it with filtered water. I aimed the temperature checker at the stream of water coming out of the faucet to make sure it was within the ballpark of what it’s supposed to be before I filtered it and Tom added conditioning drops.

I’m still stressed out over the upcoming Liothyronine experiment and going back and forth in my mind between reaching out to Tammy and the girls and not. I still don’t know what to make of her cryptic message. I’m just not sure what the right thing to do would be. I don’t want to come off like I don’t care at all but if they don’t care about me, then why bother? If they’d rather not hear from me then I should respect their wishes, but is that what they really want? I just don’t know what they would prefer. Hell, I don’t even know what I would prefer. We may have our differences and Tammy has certainly been both directly and indirectly responsible for causing me a lot of grief in life but I don’t want her to suffer or die. I realize, though, that if she is really dying and not just hyping things up because she’s pissed or wants attention she can’t otherwise ask for, for some reason, there’s nothing I can do about it.

Tammy has never been dumb but she isn’t bright either and I wonder if something’s been wrong with her brain these last few years. She’s always had a habit of seeming forgetful or not able to grasp quite what I’m saying almost in the way Andy has, though not nearly as bad. Yet these last few years I’ve noticed it more. It’s like no matter how many times I explained certain things to her like what I really meant when I said I didn’t want any drama, she still doesn’t get it. Is she just not understanding? Or is she just determined to make a situation what she wants it to be? I suppose both age and stress along with the health issues themselves could mess with her mind and the way her brain functions.

I realize this may be selfish of me but if the end is near, I feel like I’m less obligated to attend her funeral and have to deal with her kids. I would be ready with some excuse if it came to that, and truthfully, we really do need to watch our money since we have to pay so much in medical expenses as we age and continue to acquire more health issues. I feel I have enough of my own health issues right now to be taking off on my own, assuming Tom would be unable to accompany me. So yeah, I’m torn between being compassionate and selfish.

For once I got to have weird and funny dreams.

In one dream I was sleeping in a king-size bed between Palma and her husband of all people and they had a newborn baby in a nearby crib. We were all settling in for the night and I dreaded being woken up because I knew the damn kid wasn’t going to remain quiet all night.

Then I got up since I wasn’t ready to sleep anyway and was moving about the house which seemed to be in the form of a circle. Picture a circular hallway. Later, I was commanding Alexa to turn off certain lights before returning to bed. As I climbed over Palma and slipped in under the covers between the two, Palma was still awake if only barely and asked what I was doing. I said something about turning the lights off.

In the next dream, I was going down a slide in a park somewhere over and over again. A guy in his twenties who was noticeably taller than me but skin and bones was calling out lewd and perverted comments to me. Not only was I confused at why he would say such things to someone decades older and on the heavy side, but I was also getting pissed. So after I hit the ground I walked over to him and asked, “How much do I weigh?”

He looked at me with confusion. Just like I look younger than my age, I look lighter than I am. So again I asked him how much I weighed and he shrugged and said, “I don’t know, 120 maybe?”

I grabbed his wrist painfully and said through bared teeth, “152 pounds of pure steel, fat and fury. I suggest you think twice before calling out whatever to whoever.” Then I turned and walked off leaving him stoned behind me.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2018 What the hell did I just read???

I accidentally messaged Tammy on Facebook about my medication changes and all that, then said I was sorry for hitting her name by mistake. She said that’s okay, she’s in crisis too.

I asked what she was talking about and she said, “We haven’t spoken because you stated that you didn’t want any drama. No problem. I won’t be around for long.”

She misunderstood what I meant when I said I didn’t want any drama. I was upset with her kids calling me out on my own posts. That’s what I meant about the drama.

“Don’t reach out to my daughters either. I have one dealing with breast cancer and one with a bleeding ulcer and a hole in her stomach. This family loves and supports each other unconditionally. We still have your messages about family drama and being deleted by you.”

Wrong again, sis. I deleted you, but your selfish, narcissistic kids deleted me. Their choice. I’m just respecting their wishes.

As far as I knew, though, we’d moved on past this shit. I wished Sarah a happy birthday in our family group message and both she and Tammy thanked me for saying hello to everyone. I don’t know why she’s bringing this up now. Some of what she said didn’t make sense and she would only hint at some things.

I told her to please not say she won’t be around much longer and that we know she will be because she’s tough. They once told her she would die from cervical cancer but she didn’t.

“Guess again, Jodi,” she said.

Guess what???

Okay, so she’s well aware of the dream premonitions I’ve had throughout the years and my concerns for when she’s 62. Well, that’s less than a year from now and she’s hinting at something bad. Something very bad. But because she’s not exactly spelling anything out specifically, I’m going to assume she’s just having a rough time and try not to worry. Even I feel like I’m not going to be around much longer at times. Hell, I wonder if I’ll survive the upcoming meds experiment! bites nails fearfully Seriously, I hope this is just her usual exaggerations. She’s been a hypochondriac all her life. Until and if she ever says otherwise in a way I can be sure isn’t some kind of twisted joke out of spite or for attention, I’m not going to read much into it. Even Tom said not to bother overthinking that one. I think if she were literally dying and was given a terminal prognosis, I would’ve been notified. I’ll not contact her again unless I do hear more from her.

As for her kids…last time I’ll say this: I’m sorry if anything I ever said or did hurt them which was never my intention, I’ve already apologized, and I still have a right to post what I want without being called out on it just like they do.

Meanwhile, will Lisa ever apologize for wrongly calling me a liar and going ballistic on me over a simple misunderstanding she had with someone who was bordering on dementia before they died when she could’ve politely and kindly asked me about it in a civilized manner? Apparently not and apparently this family does not love and support each other unconditionally, but that’s okay. I’m done bickering over petty shit that happened years ago, so yeah, I don’t want any drama. I have enough going on in my own life right now that needs to be dealt with. Besides, it’s okay to hurt me as far as they’re concerned. My feelings don’t matter.

If any of Tammy’s kids have what I’m told they have, I’m sorry. Really, I am. But while these things may suck to have to deal with and be very scary, they can be taken care of. 50 years ago, maybe not.

There’s more I could say to Tammy and her kids right now but I won’t for reasons I just stated. Also, if this is one of those rare times that she’s not playing things up, I don’t want her to go out of this world with us fighting.

For a while, I’ve had a feeling about that 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s thing. Larry died in his 50s. Parents died in their 80s. Been having feelings about Tammy dying in her 60s and me in my 70s. If I’m right, then technically I shouldn’t be too worried about my own health, but I was wrong about Tom’s mom dying at 87 or whatever the fuck it was. She’s 95 now. So yeah, I do worry at times about not living long enough to get out of this state someday be it because I throw in the towel because we can’t figure out how to stop my anxiety or because I’m surprised by something sneaking up on me be it a heart attack, stroke, cancer or whatever.

Later…

Three out of three appointments are now out of the way and I can now enjoy being appointment-free for 2 months… As long as there are no issues with the Liothyronine, of course. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of thinking I have longer than I actually do before the next appointment.

Felt great today and we both had our eye exams. Same doctor for the last 4 years or so. She has the same assistant too.

His vision hasn’t changed much but I’m more farsighted this year. I figured as much. I’ve noticed that I’ve been having trouble when using my phone and laptop.

According to the test I took on a site that sells glasses, I don’t have a round face like I thought I did but a pear-shaped face instead. My pupil distance is 53, which is on the small side. I’ve got a dark pink round frame picked out for my progressive/transition lenses and a purple rectangular pair for my mid-range lenses that I’ll use for my laptop. Tomorrow we’ll add in the prescription numbers and order. The pink pair is 14 g and the purple pair is 17 g.

She said my OH is stable and it doesn’t look like I’ll ever have to worry about getting glaucoma. His eyes were dilated but I opted out of that this year. Next year she’s going to take pictures of the inside of my eyes so she can make sure the optic nerve is still healthy.

We stopped at McDonald’s on the way out where I got chicken strips and he got burgers.

No bounding pulse today. It was pretty consistent yesterday and I’m still not sure why. Tom thinks it’s just stress. Well, then why didn’t I have this problem when I’d be stressing in the past? Different time, different situation, he said. I guess he has a point there.

Walmart now delivers in our town so we’re expecting a delivery in the morning. Like other stores, they don’t always have everything but they are cheaper and I do like their site better even if it’s not perfect. They also have a better selection than Raley’s and Safeway.

We were kind of pissed to get a bill for a grand for the steroid injection he had in his ear. I find it awfully hard to believe it cost that much. Actually more when you consider the part that the insurance paid.

As for Tammy… I still don’t know what to think. Despite having definite health issues, she is a hypochondriac and I would think I would have been told if she was really dying. I think she knew damn well what I met when I said I didn’t want any drama, too. This may sound funny, but if she’s hyping things up and is still alive in a year I’m going to be pissed. Implying that you’re dying when you’re not just because you’re pissed or you want attention is low. I mean really low.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2018 Managed to get through yesterday without feeling anxious and I’m doing okay today as well. Not great, but okay. Even when I’m not actually anxious I’m still stressed out and worried about the upcoming experiment and sometimes just worrying about being anxious can be bad enough. However, my bounding pulse is more noticeable today than anxiety. Definitely gotta ask my PCP about that in December. It’s getting old.

The experiment may start on Wednesday or Thursday instead of Friday because of a slight change in his schedule. He may work at home on Saturday night.

It really does seem like my whole problem has lied within my T4. This is what I’ve suspected all along too. It would explain why I go hyper while having hypo numbers, though my T4 was never actually hypo. I’ve always had a normal T4. It really does seem like my body feels best as long as my T4 remains at the very lower end of normal. I don’t understand why my pituitary gland keeps screaming for more but I’m hoping that the T3 (Liothyronine) will shut it the hell up since the louder it screams the more of a risk there is of enlarging my thyroid.

Charlotte R was in my dreams last night. Since people have shown up in my dreams twice that I remember right after they died, I checked the obits but she’s still alive. She would be very old now in her mid to late 80s.

In the dream, my mother was alive and I was with both of them and maybe some others in my childhood home. I don’t know if I was younger but my mother and Charlotte seemed like they were maybe in their 50s or 60s.

I came down the stairs dressed in pajamas and Charlotte looked at me funny and said something about suggesting a different style of pajamas or something like that.

“They’re only PJs,” I told her, with a dismissive wave of my hand.

Then she was looking from the living room into the kitchen but instead of a dining table being there, there were cabinets and shelves with some kind of boxes and containers.

“What the heck was that?” she asked and walked toward the boxes. Even though I didn’t see any mice, she decided one was trapped inside one of the boxes. Then she said, “Well, that mouse wants out,” and she started to adjust the boxes so it could get out.

“No, it doesn’t,” I assured her. “I know rats and mice may look similar but their behavior is different. I could tell you all the differences but that’d take too long and probably bore you. But I can assure you that mouse definitely does not want out.”

Speaking of mice, when I went into my main office in the living room and connected to the large monitor, I still experienced mouse jumping. Was hoping the upgrade would stop the jerking motion but I really can’t stand it in there anyway because of the loud daily landscaping that’s much easier to hear in there. My God, though, how many fucking times a week can you mow the same blades of grass and how many times can you blow the same fucking leaves?

Even trash day is a big production here. As horrible as Phoenix was, they drove up, dumped the trash, and then they were gone. But now it’s like they take forever, and as Tom said, they drive around aimlessly for no apparent reason.

We’re going to be ordering groceries from Prime Now to try it out sometime soon. It’s supposed to be same-day delivery.

Still waiting on the rat pillowcase from China. I guess it hasn’t cleared Customs yet. It was in San Francisco last I knew.

Wondering when I’m ever going to stop spotting. Really hope I get an even longer break before the next period!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2018 Reapplying the Return to Sender spell today and started praying to a God I don’t know exists or if it even gives a shit about me if it does. So far I’m oddly and wonderfully calm. I don’t know what to think at this point. I really don’t. I truly don’t understand why it’s so erratic. Why do I go hyper with hypo numbers? Again I wonder if there could be something else wrong with me that we don’t know about but that’s hard to believe with all the tests I’ve had done. Tom doesn’t think anything else is wrong either.

Someone recommended acupuncture, saying that her husband has OCD, PTSD and anxiety and it worked wonders for him after just 4 sessions. I doubt our insurance covers that but if I knew it would work, we would pay for it.

Aly said it didn’t do her dad any good for his back, but a Fitbit pal swears by it and goes monthly for help with anxiety and panic attacks.

The paramedics were at the stroke house again yesterday. I saw Virginia meet them. I guess it couldn’t have been too serious cuz they were here a while.

Because I stupidly removed the earbuds thinking I was getting up sooner than I did, traffic woke me up twice. Still slept better and feel more refreshed though not exactly bursting with energy, and the best thing is that I don’t remember a single dream from last night. Skin’s better too, so it was probably just a lotion thing. Regardless of Amy’s recommendations, Curél is still what my skin likes best.

Unfortunately, Aly’s current boyfriend, Cam, joined Ask and reached out to me with a question about whether or not I believe in witches. I answered politely and asked him a question in return but hesitated to get too involved. Knowing Aly’s fondness for nutjobs, I don’t want to become a potential target when the two of them break up in a few months. I can already tell he’s the type who would gladly in happily troll someone if he was pissed enough. He may not be crazy per se but he seems a little high on himself and controlling based on some of his answers and his bio which states he bends people to his will whether they like it or not. WeaknessSeeker is his username. I mean, come on. What does that alone tell you? Aly describes him as having a type-A personality.

Other than one leg still being sore, my bounding HR annoying me again, and the usual annoyances from landscaping, traffic and planes, not much else is going on at the moment.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2018 So much for thinking that only the nights bring out the depression in me because I’m pretty down right now. Yesterday I felt good but today I’ve got a lot of fatigue and my legs are sore as hell from the HIIT routine I did. I started to feel traces of anxiety and I even got a little teary-eyed because the upcoming Liothyronine experiment has me stressed out.

I’m just afraid of my worst fears being realized in the end where I’m stuck with this for life and we can never figure out what it is or how to fix it. That’s my worst fear right now. In some ways, this fear is greater than death itself, which has always been one of my greatest fears. I’m worried that because I floated up to where I was just bubbling underneath the surface of anxiety today it could mean I’m in for an anxious day tomorrow. Especially if the problem is the medication itself because now I’m taking it more often even if it’s a lower dose.

Sometimes I wonder if I should take the time to draft an “it’s a bust” message to Dr. O in hopes of jinxing things into working out in the end and not needing it, thus having it end up being a waste of time. But somehow I doubt that that will make a difference. If the problem is the medication itself, it’s not going away any time soon. If something up there is cursing me, it may never go away.

If this shit does go away I would need a good six months, preferably a year, before I could finally let out a long sigh of relief and declare victory over this demon. A few months isn’t enough when life has had a way of yanking the carpet out from under my feet when things run smoothly for a few weeks/months.

My hair and skin are dry, appetite is down, but that’s the least of my concerns right now. Keeping a daily log on Google Docs for my doc.

Last night’s dreams were long and disturbing. Well, one of them was.

In one dream I had lunch with Kathleen and the dentist was with us. Probably just a spam dream.

In another dream, I pulled out a clump of hair. Could be a sign that the Liothyronine is going to cause hair loss like the Levothyroxine initially did.

The kind of long, detailed dream like the last one I had is the kind that makes me wonder if it could have been a glimpse into another dimension. It was actually a series of continuing dreams. The first one started with us back in Arizona and living in a rural area. The house didn’t look anything like the house we had in Maricopa, though.

We were hanging outside when a woman drove up in a silver medium-size car and informed me that I was on unsupervised probation for the same shit I was supposedly vindicated for nearly 19 years ago. So we talked to this middle-aged lady with blonde shoulder-length hair. I guess I emailed something to the black bitch or was thinking about something I had emailed her a while back. I’m not sure which. But I guess I did something because, on another day in another dream, the same woman returned, also while we were outside. She informed me that they “found a partial email” I sent and therefore I would have to report.

I remained silent until she was getting back inside her car, turned to Tom and said, “There’s no fucking way they could have found anything.”

But I knew deep down I was guilty of something and wondered if I should keep that to myself or not. I also wondered what I should do if the police drove up if I failed to report, which I assumed would eventually happen, or if I should just go to the damn PO that I assumed would still be Scott.

Initially, I decided to remain stubborn, determined not to let history repeat itself. I was not going to be told what to do, where to do it, and when to do it.

Then one evening, just as the sun had almost completely set, I was home alone, nervous and paranoid as hell. I realized that it would be very hard to hide with all the windows we had and since we had no garage, we couldn’t hide Tom’s car when he was home. There was no way we could constantly hide in the dark at night without making a sound either.

Things aren’t what they were nearly 20 years ago, I thought to myself. You’re going to have to abandon your online life completely if you want to go underground.

Then I heard a vehicle approaching and saw headlights shining, though I couldn’t see who it was.

At this point, I woke up, fell back asleep and the dream continued yet again where Tom and I were out somewhere and I was expressing my concerns. He didn’t seem worried, though.

Next thing I know we’re at the probation office. I guess we decided to just deal with it after all. I sat in a waiting area and observed some woman and a guy behind the counter. I thought wow, if that’s Scott, he lost some weight and grew a little hair on his head. We figured the reason he always wore a cap in real life was that he was going bald.

Then we were finally led into a room and I realized the guy wasn’t Scott because he was too tall and his voice was different.

We all took seats, them on what looked like a twin bed, me on a chair, and briefly joked about something. Suddenly, I had a rat on my lap but no one seemed to notice or mind. I hoped it wouldn’t get too fidgety or take a dump during the meeting.

Then the guy went on to read some journal excerpts I’d written about my supposed polycythemia vera that I sent the black bitch and thought to myself, so the first email address I guessed from memory really did go through and really was the correct one.

I don’t know if I admitted sending the email or denied it because the dream ended at that point and didn’t continue on in another dream.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2018 It was with mixed emotions that I returned to my endocrinologist yesterday. She looked the best I’ve ever seen her and I like her hair longer (bet she’ll cut it by our next visit) even though she may have put on a few pounds, and while she may be one of the smartest doctors I’ve ever known, I would have preferred never to have to see her again on account of the on-and-off anxiety I’ve suffered for over 4 years now. Just when I think it’s gone for good (along with my period) back it comes with a vengeance!

I ended up leaving her office not so much feeling relieved but definitely feeling both nervous and hopeful. I don’t know how confident she is that the new regimen will help and I didn’t think to ask. All she said was that she hoped it would help since she’s been surprised by others who have responded better to Liothyronine. She said that due to the anxiety I’ve had she had been hesitant to try me on it. She wouldn’t want to try me on Armour because it’s too much, she said. I’ve heard that because it’s pig thyroid it’s not as consistent as the synthetic version.

I am to drop to 50 micrograms for one week and then add 5 micrograms of the Liothyronine which should put me where I was on 75s. Yes, I’m nervous about it, but as I told her, I’ve gotten pretty desperate and I need to try whatever I can possibly try. I guess that if worse comes to worst I’ll have to take just 50 micrograms of Levothyroxine only and leave it at that. I would be so devastated if I started having problems on that but as far as I remember, I didn’t have problems the last time I was on 50s. If I could just go more than 6 months without anxiety, then I could begin to think maybe we’ve figured out and solved the problem.

Levo is T4, Lio is T3. Funny that yet again that very unlucky number 4 is connected to the Levo, a drug that’s made me feel so horrible. I’m still nervous as hell, though, cuz they both list similar side effects. It’s scary because the anxiety and racing/booming heart it can cause is so awful and terrifying. It’s not like I might get a headache or gassy or something like that.

Oh, fuck! I just read that a single dose of Lio can reach its max effect in just 24 hours since it’s so powerful and can even cause cardiac arrest. Great. Just great.

Okay, so Tom and I did more research. It should only be risky if you’re in a coma or something and receiving it intravenously. It also seems to be a short-acting drug which is a bit comforting to know so it wouldn’t take weeks or even months to recover like when she tried me on 88s.

He suspects Doc O thinks the low thyroid is causing my anxiety and that Levo isn’t treating it properly. Not sure if I agree, though. I mean the 88s definitely caused anxiety and panic attacks. Definitely. But could the “stabbers” be the low thyroid? But then why didn’t I have the same problem before I was diagnosed?

As I also told her, I’m doing better overall than I was in 2014-2015, but why this comes and goes when my numbers have never shown me to be hyper, we have no idea. I didn’t seem to have anything wrong with my pituitary or adrenal glands when she checked them way back when, so I’m still thinking that the main culprit is probably what I’ve always suspected, something about the medication itself. It’s too extreme for perimenopause and I can’t believe I would just up and become this way for no reason and so late in life. So if it’s not the meds, then maybe it is something else related to the thyroid.

Anyway, I went to the lab right after I saw her which was on the main floor of the building. Despite the horrible traffic to and from the place at least it has a lab in the building.

When I first entered the Endocrinology Department, it was actually kind of dead. In the past, it was usually crowded. I was checked in by a beautiful young woman with perfect teeth who was so friendly for such a good-looking woman. Usually, women that pretty are snobs.

I was taken in by a nurse who seemed kind of bored, mechanically going through the motions of her job.

BP and HR were slightly high.

The doctor opened the door slowly when she came in, so she knew Tom was there. Did she spot us from an office on the way in or did the nurse tell her I wasn’t alone?

I told her of the symptoms I’ve been having, including the bounding pulse but she didn’t seem worried. She listened to my heart, felt my thyroid, and checked my hands for tremors. My lungs were tight enough afterward that I needed a hit off my inhaler but that was probably due to stress.

What was strange was the doctor’s overall demeanor. I can’t really put a finger on it and describe exactly how she was acting. It wasn’t anything she said although she did seem to talk less and listen more this time around. I swear in her message to me she said she wanted to see me to go over “all the issues” with Liothyronine. Yet the only thing she really said about the stuff was that it can cause the same problems Levothyroxine can cause when it’s too much.

The way she moved and the expression on her face makes me think of anything from amusement to being uncomfortable with me to having a thing for me. Could it be that she was thinking of Peter and perhaps a bit embarrassed? I don’t know what to think or make of the airs she gave off but if I didn’t know any better I would wonder if she was into me in some way or at least liked what she saw yesterday. I can’t believe the last one is the case, though. The last time I saw her I sensed both discomfort and impatience coming from her. She was very businesslike and didn’t even crack a smile that I recall. Again, it’s very hard to subscribe but she was totally different this time. As good as I am with words, I can’t quite put my finger on this one or find the correct words to describe it. It’s times like that that I wish Aly could’ve been a fly on the wall just long enough to observe the scene and give me her opinion. She’s extremely intuitive and smart. I’d like to think I am as well at times but I’m stumped on this one. It’s not important as long as she helps me. I’m just naturally curious. I also have a gut feeling saying she reads my blog. Maybe not regularly but enough to get a general sense of what’s up with me.

She was complaining about the new computer system they just got. Yeah, change sucks. It’s frustrating as there are always problems and new things to learn. They changed the portal, too. Not sure if it’s better or not.

I’m to return to the lab and see her in a couple of months. In fact, I see her the same day I see Dr. A. It’d be great to get them both over with on the same day.

In case I didn’t already say so, I absolutely love my new White Water Fairy. She really does look like she’s kneeling in water! You can also see the finely detailed painted purple flowers on part of her dress better in person than online. Love her long auburn hair too.

We went to the Goodwill before my appointment yesterday but didn’t find anything interesting there. We also picked up “Butterboy,” as I’m calling our butterfly betta, a pastel-colored castle hideaway but he doesn’t seem interested in it. So $14 wasted unless you want to consider it a cute decoration.

With yet ANOTHER project (by Bob & Virginia) I worry about being woken up too soon this week. As is usually the case, this obviously isn’t just a day or two kinda job. I can hear vehicle doors slamming which sound like doors in apartments, and some pounding. No saying for sure that the sound machines will override it.

Furthermore, on top of the usual landscaping and traffic, that fucking car came and went 2-3 times today. Enough that it may as well just live here. God, I hope that doesn’t become a regular thing again! Love how I haven’t heard that obnoxious mutt, though.

Amazed at how fat my outdoor potted cactus has gotten!

Oh, here are my lab results. Results are as shitty as expected. T3 & T4 are normal and I’m just on the edge of menopausal. However, my TSH is 27! I showed her all the skips I charted on Google Docs on my phone so she wasn’t surprised.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2018 We got a beautiful blue male butterfly betta at Petco yesterday. He seems much healthier and much more alert and curious than Flaky did. He’s a very nimble swimmer and this time around we went with no gravel at all and wish we’d done that from the get-go. They definitely seem to like this better because the bottom is smooth for them to rest on and there’s no worrying about their delicate fins being dragged along the rough gravel or torn. He does have his leaf hammock and a few artificial plants, though. We may eventually add a hideaway as long as he lives. After losing the other one in just a week, we want to make sure this one fares well. As it was, one of the many betta fish at the store was dead.

Flaky was beautiful but this one’s even more beautiful and twice as expensive. Like with Flaky he has a dark blue-black head with a royal blue body and the tips of his fins, unlike Flaky’s, are white. No hints of green or red hues like Flaky had, though. He’s more of a vivid electric blue. Within a day he was swimming up for the flakes of food I would drop in for him. He’s not nearly as shy as Flaky started off to be. He’s got his bubble game on, so I’d say he’s definitely happy.

Backing up to last Thursday and Friday. I felt absolutely horrible those days. I was wound up, my heart raced, I felt weak and lightheaded, and I would get winded rather easily despite being in decent shape. I still sometimes get that strange humming sensation in my head too.

I went out walking both days to make sure I got some sun exposure but still felt awful.

Took my nail polish off and let my nails clear up and they have cleared up nicely. They just have the ridges they’ve always had. Putting on the last of my designer falsies tomorrow but then no more. They’re just too much of a pain in the ass as cool as they look. So, dark metallic green with silver accents then it’s back to regular polish.

I’ve been taking my medication every other day and definitely stressed out about tomorrow’s appointment with Dr. O. I worry that there are no options for me but that’s what I thought with my LS even though, strangely enough, I’ve been waking up itchy the last few days. I hope using the Tacrolimus once a day is enough! Even more so, I hope I do go into remission.

Friday I was horribly tired but part of that may have been cuz I was hung-over from taking a Zyrtec the night before.

I’m just tired of feeling like shit half the time or more! I struggle way too much of the time both physically and emotionally and it’s just not right. Never knowing what you’re in for each day is no way to live. As I’ve always said, this is absolutely not normal for me. I’m desperate enough to try any alternative but I’m also scared at the same time as I still do have a medication phobia. Worst case scenario, I stick to what I’m on and just lower my dose. At first I was thinking that I couldn’t turn these 75s into 50s since the pill cutter cuts pills in half, but then I realized that after I cut them in half I could take a cut half and cut that in half as well, and then dump the other half of that half, duh. That will amount to about 56 micrograms.

I forgot to mention that Amy said they never got the info regarding the biopsy I had done with Sutter after signing a form for a release of info. My first thought was, now why oh why does that not surprise me in the least? Figured Alyssa would give me a hard time with that. I let her have it on Facebook for it too, not that I expect she’ll ever see the message. If she does, she certainly isn’t going to say anything about it or react in any way.

Anyway, I’m nervous about my appointment tomorrow. I know what a talker she is and I’m worried she’s not going to let me get much of a word in edgewise even though I have several things to share with her and ask her. I’m even more worried that there are no alternatives for me and that I’m going to continue to suffer most of the time indefinitely if not for the rest of my life. I’m feeling hopeless enough to seriously start thinking about ending it all at the end of the year or thereabouts. I’ve had enough! Tom feels confident that suffering forever won’t be the case and says it’s only logical that I would eventually get better but after 4+ years it’s hard for me to be as optimistic. This is the last thing I can think of to try to help myself. So if no other drug helps and cutting back doesn’t help, then what’s left for me?

I’m also getting tired of how everything I eat is a problem for me. If it isn’t something that’s got too much cholesterol, sugar or sodium, then it makes me have a gassy or upset stomach in some kind of way. I’ve been trying to have more fiber to keep regular. Oh, I’m regular all right. Too regular. So just what can I eat that isn’t going to be a problem in some way?

Maybe I ought to try partial fasting since it’s not as bad for you as a lot of people think. I’ll verify it with the doctor tomorrow but it’s actually good for you. Sort of like a detox for the body. It should only be bad for your metabolism if you do it too long. Furthermore, Tom told me he just read about a study they did on type 2 diabetes. In the experiment, they had some people fast every other day and some fast for 3 days a week. They no longer needed medication afterward!

Tom decided that rather than pay $600 to get a hearing aid that only they can control and that he can’t set up and adjust on his own, he’s going to get these things called Hearphones for $500 on Amazon that he can tweak himself at any time. In fact, they’re coming today. They’re crossovers that will hopefully help with distortion. He says they may even help me in noisy situations. If I’m in a noisy store or restaurant, it can be hard to hear him. I hear him, I just don’t always understand what he’s saying but he does talk softly.

Yesterday morning we went to Sam’s Club before we got the betta and for $20 I decided to get this kids’ chemistry kit where you make your own perfume, lip gloss and bath bombs. Making the perfume was simple enough but the shitty instructions caused me to screw up the lip gloss. Not only that but the roller ball in the bottles doesn’t work well. I hate that when roller balls get stuck!

Haven’t attempted the bath bombs yet.

We updated my computer from Sierra to Mojave and so far it seems to help with the mouse jumping. When hooked up to my large monitor, it was causing a herky-jerky motion of the mouse. It could still start up at some point but so far so good.

“You’ve already shared that dog pic,” someone said on my LR Ask account.

Andy? Hmm… Aly says it’s not her and if she’s telling the truth could it be that German-speaking nurse in Serbia? But Tatiana usually asks me questions in German, if she does, and that doesn’t seem like something she would say. But Andy definitely would.

The thing is that I already shared the dog pic on my DI account. Not LR. So it’s someone who’s aware of both accounts. To my knowledge, this could only be Andy, Aly or Tatiana. I just didn’t think Andy would remember my LR account or even his login to his own original Ask account. He either logged into his first account where he would probably still be following LR and noticed I was using it again, or he remembers that account. He may also have been following it from his second Ask account, though, now that I think of it.

Last night I had this dream some tough guy and his girlfriend and I were talking and I was telling him he was going to hit the wrong woman someday. Someone like me.

“I fight back,” I said.

Then a little while later I was walking through some neighborhood with very short streets. The same guy rounded a corner and startled me and after I said I almost kicked the crap out of him for it until I realized who it was, I asked what he was doing.

“Turning the water off,” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“So they’ll refuse to fix it.”

I knew this meant that someone was going to be working on the pipes in the area the following day and he didn’t want them doing that for some reason.

Then I was walking down a flight of stairs outdoors at night with two women that I was either working for or living with. They said something about getting railings put up since it could be dangerous going up and down the stairs in the dark.

Then I was talking to a guy about taking a bus somewhere because Tom would be unable to drive me somewhere I needed to be the next day and transferring buses along the way.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2018 Really like the last perfume sample I got by Jean Paul Gaultier. It’s the best one yet.

I did some research and it seems like what I have may be called a bounding pulse. There can be many reasons for it but it definitely seems like my main problem is sodium. The more I have, the more my blood pressure spikes and the more I feel and notice the pulse in the side of my neck. I don’t know why my body is reacting this way lately to sodium but I guess it’s just age.

My appointment yesterday went well. Amy can see the improvement and there’s a chance it may be curable after all. I don’t want to get my hopes up but there was a study done where a handful of people used Tacrolimus for 10 months and went into remission. The thing is that Amy doesn’t know when the study was done and how long the participants remained in remission. She said if I don’t hear from her in 2 weeks to call her for more info. She’s going to check into it for me.

For now, she recommends moisturizing cream as opposed to lotion. I didn’t know there was a difference between the two but I guess lotion has more alcohol in it and can be more drying. She gave me a goodie bag with all kinds of samples. I have like 4-5 different products and a total of 20 samples to try.

She checked the red spot on my shoulder and didn’t think it looked suspicious. I told her about the one my PCP froze with liquid nitrogen. She said if it becomes a problem she can freeze it off but doesn’t think it’s any big deal. She looked at the sprinkling of “zits” on my upper arm which is very hard to see but I can feel. It’s that actinic keratosis. This is similar to what I had on my back but I don’t think they’ll become the same problem that will need a blast of liquid nitrogen. She wasn’t worried about it. The itchy red bumps I get under my arms, however, are also LS, as LS prefers areas that get moist. She said I can use the Tacrolimus there when I get irritation.

I also asked her about the scars on my forearm from my stupid days and she said that if they were raised and reddish they could probably do something about them but since they’re flat and white, probably not. She said there’s a place that does laser procedures but it costs thousands and isn’t guaranteed. So I’ll pass!

I go back for a follow-up in June.

I continue to worry about Tom and the kidney pain he’s been having and the way he’s neglecting to get a PCP. Somehow it’s all my fault, too. At least that’s the way he makes me feel, saying all my appointments and research I asked him to do wears him out even though he says he wants me to take care of all my appointments. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do. Take care of things so I can cut back the appointments. I don’t have to see Amy or my ENT until June and my next dental check-up isn’t until March. Meanwhile, I don’t expect the eye exam to spawn any additional appointments but I can’t say for sure about Dr. O. Believe me, I’m a lot sicker of all these problems and appointments than he is!

He says it’s important that he works to support us and I understand that he needs to work since I can’t supplement our income but as I reminded him, he can’t work if he’s in the hospital or dead because he let things get out of hand. So I told him that if I stop asking about how he feels, it isn’t that I stopped caring or worrying but because it seems to bother him when I do ask. I will start doing my own research, which I usually do anyway and had only asked him in case he came up with additional info, but it’s not my fault if something’s wrong with him and I don’t think he should use my appointments or anything else as an excuse to neglect his health.

Most of the soreness in my boobs is gone but I’m still spotting. :( Still getting that strange “humming” or vibrating sensation in my head at times, too.

Looking forward to this cute white pond fairy with really long auburn hair on Saturday. We also got things in preparation for whatever new fish we end up getting this weekend which could be a betta, tetras or both. There is actually a type of tetra that can live with bettas just fine. I really like the GloFish. Our 3-gallon tank would be a little small for the bigger ones but Danios would be fine if we found some we liked.

The Brita water filter pitcher arrived and I wish I’d gotten it a long time ago! It makes the tap water almost completely tasteless like our bottled water. I think I’m going to use it in the Keurig and the fish tank along with a special chemical you add to make the water even safer for fish, but I will continue to drink bottled water and use that for the plants and rats as well. After doing some research, I found that filtered water should be fine for fish. Besides, the tank has its own filter as well. He printed out a screen to keep them from getting sucked into the bottom of it and we also ordered a new heater.

I had some weird dreams last night. In one of the dreams, a character from one of my stories was driving us to the center of this town that displayed a large number each year, though I’m not sure what the number represented. I said to “Michelle,” “Look, the number is always the same number of years we’ve been together.”

Then I had a dream that I was browsing through a store and I noticed the same particular fabric with the same colors and design on yet another style of clothing. I had seen it on purses and other apparel and this time it was on a sundress.

Then I was driving somewhere and I was absolutely terrified.

Then Tom and I got into some silly argument over abortion. More like a debate but either way he seemed to be against it even though he is pro-choice like I am. I said something to the effect of us using birth control rather than following instinct.

In the last dream, Scott and Tom were present and we were heading somewhere. Tom walked out the door of some large room and Scott was about to follow when he told me to pull my panties up. I was wearing nothing but a pair of plain white panties as if that was perfectly normal and was struggling to pull them up even though they didn’t seem to want to budge, haha.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2018 I’ve had a definite rough night and it has nothing to do with anxiety, fatigue, or anything like that. Instead, we lost Flaky.

When I got up I noticed his “tail” caught in the filter. I immediately ran and unplugged the filter and thought he would be okay. However, he struggled to rise from the floor of the tank. All he could do was sort of slither along the bottom. I thought he was a bit injured and perhaps a bit in shock as well but would eventually recover.

With him in the kitchen, I returned to the bedroom where my laptop was and heard this strange knocking sound I’ve never heard before. My immediate thought was that it was some kind of nocturnal animal underneath the house. A skunk, a possum, a raccoon… I didn’t think much of it. A few minutes later I heard it again but still didn’t think much of it. Then I went back into the kitchen to find him gone.

Although I always try to be a realist in that I look for scientific proof and evidence in things and try not to assume anything based on wishful thinking, I thought of the knocking and wondered if it could possibly be his way of saying goodbye. I’m not sure if there’s an afterlife but it was definitely a weird coincidence and I haven’t heard the knocking again since. I would think there’s some kind of logical explanation for it but I’ll just have to wait and see if I hear it again.

Then Tom got up who didn’t get home until after I crashed yesterday. He told me he was sure he didn’t die because he got caught in the filter but because he was having trouble swimming and that’s why he got caught in the filter. He thinks something was wrong with him when he got home. He was acting sick and like he was having trouble swimming.

So with sadness, since Flaky had adjusted well and seemed like a very bright, alert and friendly little guy who would swim right up to me when I would put my fingertips in the water, I flushed him down the toilet and said goodbye.

Then I took a shower and we went for a walk. Now, when I got up I wasn’t having any bleeding and thought my period might have been over as of yesterday even though that’s not what my still sore boobies were telling me. Sure enough, after we went walking, mixing in a bit of running, it ended up causing me to flow like a river. It’s beyond frustrating and disappointing but it is just my shit luck and now I realize that not only does this reset the one-year clock I was within 6 weeks of hitting, but that I’m anything but menopausal. I may not be for several years to come. Although unlikely, it really is possible to get a period every so often throughout most of your 50s. I did read that no one in their 60s has ever had periods so that’s good.

I also realize this still leaves my hormones wide open to affecting my moods. I still believe the medication is the main culprit and I always have but now I realize that some of the anxiety could be attributed to that. I just hope it’s a little longer before my next period, and yes, there will be a next one. I know better now. So I have resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to be in the perimenopause stage for quite some time to come even though I just read that the average woman in the U.S. has her final period at age 52 and I’m still 52.

That isn’t it. Oh no, there’s been quite a bit of action today. I nearly burned the fucking house down. I don’t know why I did something so stupid but I took the filter and heater out of the tank, forgetting to unplug them first, and placed them on a towel because they were wet. Then I dumped the 3-gallon tank and suddenly I could smell burning plastic. That was when I looked and saw smoke coming from the heater which I immediately yanked out of the plug and doused with water in the sink. My lungs are a bit tight now. Glad I have an inhaler but I shouldn’t need it!

I am seriously beginning to wonder if something is trying to stop us from having fish. And then I had this crazy thought about our beloved long gone but never forgotten Tinkerbell, and it’s not the first time I’ve had this thought either. We’ve had such shitty luck with pets overall since coming to this state 11 years ago that a part of me wonders if there is an afterlife and if she is there saying, “Oh no, I was the queen. No pets allowed that are even remotely as good as I was!”

Tinkerboy was a good rat and Sugar was an outstanding one but then he had a stroke. And now this friendly little fish is gone. What, was Tinkerbell up there thinking he was too friendly to be our pet that he must be replaced with a timid fish that always runs and hides whenever we walk in the room? Again, I’ve always tried to be a realist, logical and base things on science and don’t see how an afterlife or reincarnation is very plausible. But every now and then some weird things happen that make me wonder. I mean, I’m proof that people can have dream premonitions yet there’s no explanation for knowing the unknown, is there?

I wonder why my dreams didn’t warn me about Flaky but I certainly don’t see everything coming my way. I did have a dream my parents were alive and we were hanging out with Caroll Spinney. Anyway, in the dream, I asked him to do his Big Bird voice for my parents and he did. Yet my parents didn’t seem the least bit fazed.

I learned something interesting about Ask. I was a naughty girl and anonymously said something I knew would annoy Aly as a prank. Even though it was just one thing, she blocked me. I didn’t think you could block anonymous questions but then why wouldn’t you be able to when you now need to have an account, after all? I don’t know why it let me “heart” some of her answers but she never received any of my questions even though I never got a message saying that I’ve been blocked. So I’m just assuming that’s what happened even though the site is notorious for glitches. This was the Dusty Illusions account that I used mostly with Andy.

I then realized he probably did harass me as well only I never saw the questions cuz I had him blocked. This is only if Aly blocked me. If she did, then you can apparently still ask questions; they just won’t be visible to whom you’re asking.

So I decided to delete the Dusty account and reactivate Lady Rainbow and I also unblocked Andy because I’m curious to see what happens. I don’t think he remembers that account but we’ll see. I won’t ask Aly anything with my name showing so that if he’s watching her, it won’t flag his attention.

Since I couldn’t tell Aly I’m switching accounts because I sent her a nasty question and she blocked me, I told her it was because that account not only is less associated with Andy but is also plugged into an email address that still exists, and this is the truth. Dusty Illusions is connected to my old MyOpera email which is no good since the site went down 8 years ago and it won’t let me change it.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2018 Here we go again with my “gift” that I don’t exactly feel grateful for or see as a gift. I’m 52 years old, hadn’t had a period in nearly 11 months, and was pretty sure I’d hit menopause. On September 29th, I dreamed I told Stacey that I was so pissed to find I had a period starting after going nearly a year. Although the dream gave me a bad feeling and I knew deep down it meant something, I tried to push it out of my mind. But then a couple of days ago I noticed I started feeling a bit PMSy. Can you guess what happened yesterday? Yeah, you guessed it. Now the dream is an official premonition. rolls eyes This is just one of many negative dream premonitions I’ve had over the years.

I said to Tom, “Why can’t I ever see good stuff coming in my dreams?” I just got an adorable kitty figurine from Amazon that I randomly spotted when browsing the site. Now why couldn’t I have dreamed of spotting a cute little kitty figurine, then spotting one for real as I did? LOL

So I went 6 or 7 months before a period, then 10.5 months, so maybe next time I’ll go 14-15 months.

I don’t think it means anything but I also dreamed that someone asked if I was scared and my dream self automatically knew I had terminal cancer. I just said, “yup” in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

Not the kind of dream a person like me wants to have (or even non-psychics) but I really don’t think it means anything.

Really getting sick of the “insufficient energy” messages I’ve been getting and how some sites run snail-slow because of it. Or maybe it’s connected to the monitor. I know I’m getting tired of the mouse jumping that I’m contemplating doing away with the monitor altogether as much as it helps me see better.

I showed Aly, who was diagnosed with severe anemia years ago, a picture of my cloudy, whitish unpolished nails and she said that that’s what hers look like. She said symptoms include pain on the left side of the breast, pale skin, feeling cold to the point of having chills, weakness and sudden fatigue. But many things can cause fatigue and I get cold easily.

She said she’s never seen ridges as bad as mine and asked if it could be a health issue but as far as I know it’s just how I am. Maybe I’ll go with unpolished nails to Dr. O and see what she thinks.

Interestingly enough, I read that low iron can cause anxiety. So they’re either not testing my iron like we think they are or it’s recently become a problem if there’s a connection at all. It could just be all the polish and remover but why now? It’s not like I recently started polishing my nails. I always have polish on my nails. Always.

In Bleederville, I’m still between spots and a light flow and my tits are still a bit sore. Wouldn’t be surprised if the dam burst into a full flow in a day or two.

Had some neck knockers in my sleep and I’m definitely feeling fatigued right now but that’s probably the period. Bleeders are iron suckers. Some things make sense now…the intense hunger I had for a few days, my weight up a few pounds, getting stuck when I was 155. That usually doesn’t happen until I hit down at 152-153. I’m 155 right now and I haven’t gone. I don’t want to either after yesterday’s butt explosion. Yeah, I may have hemorrhoids if it isn’t my LS that caused the bleeding when I took a dump yesterday. My shit has been hard lately which can cause hemorrhoids. I think it was more likely that than the LS.

Just went, actually, but my ass remained gratefully intact.

The buzzing sensation in my head gets annoying but my BP hasn’t been high lately and I’ve been monitoring it closely.

My schedule better not back up anymore because now I’m on for 5 AM Dr. O day. I don’t want to deal with her after being up 12 or more hours. If it keeps slowing down as it has been I just might make Dr. A after all.

My shower is no longer usable as water leaks out from under the door so much that I may as well shower with it open. I think the plastic guard underneath came loose but I can still freshen up in there cuz water doesn’t hit the door when I do that like it does when I shower. No problem. I can just use Tom’s shower. One of the things I like about my 2-in-1 Pantene is that while it makes my hair a little less manageable, it stays cleaner longer so I don’t always have to wash it every day.

Later…

We installed the prism window cling in the laundry room and it looks great. Maybe in a few years, for variety, I’ll get this blue floral design that will make it look like a stained glass window.

The Hawaiian course is “hatching” but still in beta and not all the lessons or sounds are there. I guess I should wait a while.

I sent one final message assuring Nissan that I would never contact her again after this unless I was contacted but that I think it’s pretty sad that some people harbor so much hate, resentment and animosity in their hearts over such petty nonsense from decades ago. I was young, for God’s sake, and I think it’s safe to say she was guilty of similar things. I mean come on, does she really think I don’t think she was behind some of those prank phone calls any more than I think Maliheh wasn’t behind the ones I got in South Deerfield?

I noticed she went and hid her friend list as small as it was and next, she’ll probably block me but I don’t care. No account is sacred to me. Especially if we haven’t paid them anything.

I know everyone is different and we all have a right to be how we are but it just seems like such an extreme reaction to what happened. Yet people can be so hateful and unforgiving for the dumbest of things. Again, where’s all this forgiveness the world preaches? No one seems to actually act on it but hey, sometimes I wish I was just as unforgiving.

Went to Walgreens yesterday morning and I got a pair of small “diamond” barrettes. They’re too small to hold all my hair but if I want to put the sides back they’re good for that.

I also got blue nail polish by Vinylux which is an expensive but great brand of high-quality polish. It lasts longer than most polishes though you still need two coats. At first, I didn’t like it because it’s such a dark shade of blue that’s almost navy and even looks black in dim lighting but it’s kind of growing on me.

Flaky really seems to be avoiding his brightly colored gravel so after finding things online suggesting they really do get stressed by bright colors, I removed the neon gravel. This kicked up a lot of debris and I really think I should change all of his water every week instead of just half of it.

Skipped my meds today and the day before yesterday. I’m a little fatigued and lightheaded but feeling better than I felt earlier. I just want to get all my fucking appointments over with!

It almost depresses me to think how long Tom has before he retires. I always loved spending most of my time alone but now I definitely don’t care for it. Hell, I’d love to go back to the days when I didn’t feel the way I feel so much of the time now, wishing he wasn’t around so damn often like when he was unemployed, never having appointments or needing medication.

The shower door in the master bedroom which is a piece of shit is leaking. That’s the one with the door that opens outward. The water guard on the bottom is bent so we’ll have to replace it again. I know this place isn’t as old as some of the places I’ve lived in but damn am I sick of old places! Please tell me our next place will be built in this millennium! Seriously, it’s no real big deal because I can still freshen up there and take showers in the bigger shower which I prefer anyway.

I wonder if they ever had the Oktoberfest concert they were supposed to have yesterday? I hope they got it out of their system while I slept because I hate it when I have to listen to the bass-thumping when I’m awake and be forced to drown it out with the sound machine or something. I absolutely hate it when others force their activities on me!

Not sure if I mentioned the adorable rat pillowcase I ordered from China with a picture of a rat on it eating a candy bar. I have one of those gel cushions on my desk chair and I think I’ll use it there.

Tom uploaded OSX’s latest operating system, Mojave, and he’ll use it for a week to test it out. If there are no problems we’ll load it onto my computer.

I had a dream I was jogging through the park at night. I was just coming around by the RVs and heading to Oak Lake. As I went to turn onto OL, I looked out the front gate at some strange bluish light just beyond.

Then all of a sudden I had this shopping cart at my side. I don’t know what was in it but this strange woman who morphed into Kathleen was curious about its contents and started sifting through the items. I asked what she was looking for and she said, “I should get some serious favors for all these questions.”

“Just tell me what you want done and I’ll do it,” I told her.

Then I was in the hall of an apartment building and could hear her arguing with some guy. One of the apartment’s doors was open and I knew it was Kathleen’s place. I stepped into the apartment and didn’t see anyone. Then I stepped back out into the hall where a black woman was passing through with an amused expression on her face which I knew was on account of the bickering. I stopped her and said, “I’m deaf in one ear and can’t tell the direction of sound. Can you tell me where those voices are coming from?”

She pointed upward and then walked on.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2018 Flaky, as I’ve been calling the betta because of the way he prefers flakes to pellets, now has some artificial plants and a leaf hammock in his tank. So far he seems unimpressed with all of it. He probably just needs time to get used to it. It seemed to take him a while to get used to his brightly colored gravel. I guess bright colors can stress some fish out. I probably should have gotten neutral-colored gravel since that is what they’re used to in the wild, after all.

He warmed up to me rather quickly. He doesn’t seem to mind it at all when I stick my hand in the tank. He was actually more afraid of the damn plants than of me, LOL.

I also got my new kitty figurine and I totally love it! Very cute, realistic, and life-size. They’re typically intended for gardens but I don’t want to throw something so beautiful outdoors to be spoiled by the elements. It’s just too adorable to eventually end up dirty and faded by the sunlight. The next one I want to get is a playful Jack Russell Terrier.

I also got the final round of bamboos to complete the organizer. I got 10 stalks and I’m not sure what they are. The rings are further apart than on the lotuses but they’re closer than on the regular bamboos. The leaves sort of resemble that of the lotus but are placed a little further down the stems.

Last week was the first week I was on nights and didn’t get woken up while sleeping during the daytime. Slept with a bamboo on the headboard shelf and I wonder if it helped safeguard my sleep. Really wish they could safeguard me from anxiety! Was borderline yesterday and so far I’m okay today. I skipped yesterday but not today.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2018 We got the betta set up in the new tank and he’s definitely happier there. He’s been making bubble nests in the top corner of the tank. According to what I looked up, it has to do with breeding. Well, he isn’t getting a girlfriend!

The artificial plants going in the betta’s tank will be here tomorrow. For now, he has colorful gravel with a mix of pink, blue and green.

The filter is gentle enough so that the farthest corner of his tank is almost still and the heater keeps him at about 78 degrees.

I continue to have random BP spikes and I sometimes get this strange vibration in my head. This “humming” sensation of sorts. Worst of all, I was surprisingly anxious yesterday and well past the amount of time it usually lasts after taking my meds. Totally dismayed too, of course, and feeling hopeless where that’s concerned. Unless my endo can work some kind of miracle, I may literally be forced off the medication my body otherwise needs. Again I find myself wondering if there’s something up there and if it deliberately gave me a disease in which it knew damn well I couldn’t handle the medication to treat it with. It’s a scary thought to think something up there could do that to me but I still say it’s unlikely there’s anything up there at all. I really hope not! Either way, I really thought it would be a while before the next bout of anxiety. Really, I’m just SICK of this fucking game! Sick of trying to figure it out year after year and getting nowhere. Do I literally have to die to stop it?

Anyway, I’ve skipped today but also surprisingly, I’m still slightly wound up. Went out for a half-hour walk and now I’m doing the laundry as Tom sleeps.

Aly sure is becoming angrier these days, mostly due to political shit going on and corrupt politicians. I understand her anger but nothing is going to change the twisted world we live in and make it fair. I realize it’s pointless to get angry over things that can’t be changed. I don’t like them but I accept them.

I slept better last time around and I think this is the first week I ever slept during the daytime without traffic waking me up. Really wish I discovered these sleeping earbuds half a decade ago! They may not have existed then, though. Watch, now traffic will get even louder. Seriously, I still wake up enough on my own but as I said, I slept better. Didn’t even have to take anything. I was so tired. I fell asleep a little earlier and slept longer.

When I got up to pee, though, in the middle of my sleep, I swear my boobs felt sore as if they were watery like they would get before periods and I automatically remembered the dream where I was telling Stacey I got a period after nearly a year.

I had a dream that Liz was working in some kind of cafe that was possibly in an apartment building Tom and I was living in. One time I went there for coffee and asked if I could keep the mug for a while until I finished my coffee. Liz nodded and I left. A few hours later I headed down a long corridor and could see Liz sitting behind the counter at the end of it. She had her hair curly. I reached into our apartment that was off the corridor and grabbed the mug as well as a necklace I might have wanted to give her.

In another dream, Tom seemed kind of down in this place we were living in that was laid out differently than where we live here. I asked if he was okay and he said something about a money problem and held up a small piece of paper. For some reason, we were without a physical address for a few months which he referred to as a “drop-off.”

“Whenever there’s a drop-off,” he said, “there are always problems.”

In the next dream or possible dimension, I was living in yet another place that also didn’t look anything like any place I ever lived in before and was very small. I had the back door off the kitchen open when a teenage boy with dark hair and eyes suddenly appeared at the screen door. He asked if I could write and said something about winning money for it or being paid or something like that.

I told him I was a writer and let him in. He had a much younger sibling with him and I didn’t want the nosy brat messing with my devices which its brother didn’t seem to care to watch. So I picked up my phone and a tablet and placed them out of reach. Then I was in the living room talking to the guy when I realized there was no writing job or contest and that he was definitely up to no good. My dream mind reeled with the best way to get out of the situation and I told him I had something interesting to show him in the backyard. Not sure how that dream ended.

The only other dream I remember was looking up my lab results online.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2018 Jean Paul Gaultier is going to be the next perfume sample I receive. I’ve heard of him before but I don’t know that I’ve ever had his perfume.

Had some real rain for the first time in months. There was even some thunder. At one point it was so loud I would have had trouble hearing my show if I were watching TV. I know whose TV I won’t be hearing much of tonight! Probably won’t be much flying either. That’s okay. I would much rather the sound of the rain.

A few nights ago I heard about a dozen gunshots. They came from the East. Pretty sure that’s what it was anyway. The last two shots sounded farther and farther away as if the person shooting was running or in a moving vehicle.

I dreamed about some sort of family reunion where we got together with members of his family. Mary and his mother were there only he didn’t seem too happy about it while I was for some reason.

Nissan’s lack of a reply - and I know she’s been around because she changed her profile picture on one of her accounts - is a classic reminder of the hatred and grudges so many people harbor within their hearts decades after the fact and over silly things, too.

I realize that even though I didn’t do a damn thing wrong to my cousins, say I had sent them a message saying I was sorry and wished them well and hoped to hear from them and all that; I never would have. In reality, I can just imagine all the lies they’ve been told that they believe and I have no doubt that others probably pulled various pranks on them that they automatically assumed I was behind.

Either way, the point is that I don’t understand all this preaching of forgiveness when very few people are willing to actually do it. It amazes and saddens me just how many people will remain angry for little to no reason decade after decade. But I would also be lying if I said I didn’t wish I was more like most people in that respect because then I wouldn’t bother to reach out to people who are just going to ignore me in the end. Or turn on me at some point. I wish I could’ve had it in me to not give Kathleen my number but I didn’t want to seem rude and I knew she wouldn’t call anyway.

A few days ago I started having more burning and itching similar to the kind I would have when not treating myself with anything. Not a severe burning sensation that almost makes you feel like you’ve been cut like the steroids gave me, but just general inflammation and itchiness. So I skipped a dose and the irritation backed off.

I’m both eager and nervous about my upcoming appointment with Dr. O. When I’m feeling my worst I’m willing to try anything new to stop that feeling from returning. But once it comes down to actually trying something, if I do, I’m going to be terrified, of course. Well, I can at least get more info and then decide what to do from there. Worst case scenario, I will have to skip the stuff I’m on periodically as the anxiety kicks up. It’s really too bad I can’t stand it when it does because I may be able to get some weight off if I could.

For now, I’m hoping I don’t get depressed now that I’m pretty much on nights. We’ll see if the full spectrum light helps, though I’m not flaring right now and my TSH should be too high for me to have anxiety from the medication for another month or so.

Was watching this Barbie hack on YouTube and it showed a woman dipping the hair of an old Barbie with knotted hair into fabric softener to make it easy to brush. So I went and tried that on one of my BFF dolls and it improved it a little but definitely didn’t make it easy. Her hair is pretty gnarled and tattered. I just threw it in a ponytail because it looks shabby and I’m not going to keep this doll forever anyway. Her joints are way too loose. Hey, she’s a Goodwill doll. That’s where she came from and that’s where she’ll eventually return to.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2018 The “bad guy” who dares to support his disabled wife in the oh-so-independent US that the government doesn’t give a shit about and who isn’t really “disabled” if others don’t get it or can’t see it, like with someone in a wheelchair, let his forgetful wife forget to do his ear. LOL, he’s been throwing peroxide and alcohol in it to break down the wax in preparation for his appointment tomorrow with the hearing aid people.

I don’t like the fact that I’ve been having more itching and burning lately even though it’s not like the kind of burning the steroids gave me, and Tom says it looks like it’s healing nicely down there when he checked the other day. It’s a good thing I have the Tucks and the Aquaphor and that Amy is only a week away.

Although it was a bit warm, I went out walking earlier for about 25 minutes. Did some strength training exercises on the Bowflex too, and worked my core and arms.

We ordered our new betta a square fish tank with a filter that’s 10 x 10 x 10. We’re adding a heater to it as well as some artificial plants and colorful gravel. He doesn’t seem to like his pellets as much so we’re getting flakes instead. He also seems to be a really shy guy, too. I wonder if he’ll always be this way. His alertness is cute in the way he follows my movements with his eyes as I move about the place.

I’m also getting a bottle opener to make it easier to open tough caps, an adorable 2019 rat calendar and another kitty figurine. This one is a single standing orange tabby looking upward.

During the last order we made we forgot to get the decorative window cling I picked out for the laundry room window. We grabbed it this time around, though.

Norma posted how upset she was about 1600 immigrants being denied help in Texas and how no one will help the children and Tammy was like, how are we supposed to handle an amazing number of illegal immigrants? Yes, she feels bad for the kids and it’s not their fault but their parents’ who should have come here legally.

Tom and I both agree that children should not be abused in the way they’ve been pulled out of houses and thrown into tents in the desert. However, something’s got to be done. I understand people not wanting to spend so much money on a wall and I understand that it isn’t going to keep everybody out but if it will slow the flow of moochers then it may be worth the money. I would still love it if we could take a giant knife, cut Mexico away from the US, pick it up and plop it down on the other side of the world. The middle of the Arctic would be nice. There’s just too damn many of them and they’re burdening the shit out of our resources.

Tom’s co-worker, the Indian woman named Pawandeep, recently vacationed in London. She brought back a bunch of keychains with the word London on it and Tom brought one home, not that we’ll ever use it. It was still a very nice thought. It’s hanging on one of the kitchen cabinet knobs right now.

Wondering if I’m starting to get another precancerous lesion on my shoulder where the arm and shoulder meet. Thanks, Mom, for making me sit on the beach all damn day every summer until you decided you no longer wanted to be a mother to me, even if I know you didn’t know this would happen and would’ve taken measures to prevent it if you could have.

It’s too small to say for sure what it is, but it’s definitely suspicious and similar to the other one I had on my back. It is kind of reddish and has a similar feel to the other one, almost like a bubble. When you press on it, it sort of seems like it’s filled with air. It could still be a wart or a mole. We’ll see where it ends up as time goes on.

Speaking of cancer, when I was looking at my conditions on the new medical portal, I was surprised to see polycythemia vera listed as one of them. That’s a blood cancer. I don’t see how having a couple of very slightly elevated red blood cell count readings constitutes having that condition, but even if I did, it’s so slow-growing that it would take 25 years to kill me, anyway. After having a couple of high readings, I did have a couple of normal readings, and I would be willing to bet that my next round of lab work will be normal as well. I’m sure the white cell count will be slightly elevated, though, as always.

I had a dream that I was seeing my GYN and she had a friend with her in the room. At one point the GYN asked her, “Want to get together tonight?”

“Nah,” the girl said, and then I left, realizing I didn’t have another appointment scheduled with her and wondered if that was a good thing or not.

[nyarasembo]

Self-Discovery

From the beginning of 2022, I did not have any energy in me. I starting to view everything from a different perspective, like it was all meaningless. Why was I feeling that way when I have had my life in order until that time? What was supposed to happen now that I was in a slump? Logically, I came up with ideas of what I ought to do: work out, lose that weight, learn everyday, pick up the developer classes, visit family and friends. It seemed easy when I wrote down the ideas, but suddenly, I did not have it in me to do anything. I felt like I had no one to turn to, even when I had. I knew what I was going to be told when I approached someone. “It’s going to be fine, everyone goes through that sometimes.” I woke up every morning, hoping to feel motivated to dress nicely and leave the house, or make a call to a friend. Yet all that happened was me not wanting to wake up, and when I did, I could only sit, sometimes watching TV or sometimes just staring into space. Through that, I was learning about the things I need and don’t need. I also tried to understand human behaviour in different stages of life. 

I wasn’t entirely wrong; everything is meaningless. By understanding this, I stopped being hard on myself. I taught myself not to take failure or succes too seriously since everything is actually temporary. One day you laugh, then cry. The inevitable is death, when you’re lucky, you get to die old. I think that is the best kind of death, when you have been given the chance to do much in this world before you leave.

I couldn’t understand some choices, why do some people seek so much of something, when nothing will ever be enough? When they will leave everything behind anyway?

Contentment. Yes. It is my goal to always be contented. I know my limitations, and reality is that I might not get everything that is great in this life. But by God, I should at least be satisfied with what I get. Not to mean that I lack ambition. No. It is good to have money and afford things. But I don’t need to buy myself a jet in order to validate my success. It is cool to have a jet though, for those that can afford, I just won’t see myself as a failure just because I’ll die without owning one. Infact. majority of people don’t even own jets. You get where am going with this?

[maskedrealities]

There’s times where I know I’m in the wrong as well for when I vent, yet the underlying emotions and feelings of being chosen last about something makes me want to be open about them.

Such as knowing that I’m also in the wrong for being upset at someone for sleeping, and I know that it’s not nice of me to be upset about that. Which is not the underlying issue.

The issue I have is that I was woken up from needing rest to spend time with someone. I needed the rest, I have been woken up at the first light of dawn for the past three days and have then proceeded to sleep my entire day away because my schedule keeps getting messed with. If I do not wake up, they get upset and sad. If I do wake up and struggle to stay awake, they get sad.

I was told that I would be able to rest and be focused on. Yet that still feels like a tug of war with them. They come home, know I have woken from a nightmare and offer no added comfort, then I proceed to make them food, get them something to drink, and comfort them while they tell me they want to go to someone that has only caused them harm for something that is important to them.

I’m glad that they’re asleep, but there’s times where it feels like, no matter what they tell me, my focus will always have to be on them even if I’m struggling mentally and physically. Even when I’m struggling to eat, I must focus on them. When I do not have the energy, I must focus on them.

When will it be my turn? The gifts can only do so much. Where is the effort? I cannot keep giving my all when my all is 2% because I am burnt out. I am masking around them because I cannot be sad because it makes them sad and cry due to them not knowing how to help yet not doing anything to try.

Sometimes I want to leave them. I want to run from them and never look back. I want to be free from them. The gilded cage of a home is still there, as is the same cage I feel with them sometimes.

I have told them that I cannot provide for a relationship, but here I am. Doing everything I can for them and trying to be happier for them rather than myself. I cannot stand another minute being sad and getting met with “I’m sorry” and their puppy dog eyes because they aren’t trying to help, they aren’t doing anything to help. I make sure to spend time with them even if I don’t have the energy or motivation to, even when I am overwhelmed and struggling. Where is that for me?

Do they actually love me or am I just something for them to keep as a prize in mock “protection” so I have no choice but to stay with them? I don’t know what to do with them. I want to be away from them so badly sometimes, but they’ll never know that.

It will just be another secret I keep. What’s the point of breaking their heart when mine already feels shattered and played with?

They say they won’t pick me over a job, but they’re so focused on money rather than helping me like I’ve asked. They won’t spend time with me. They won’t help me clean. It will be on me. Always on me.

I will always be caged with them, but I know I don’t have the energy to leave. Just a specimen in a jar for them, right? Just something to look at and say I’m pretty when their words fall flat to my ears.

I’m not even really surprised anymore by them. It feels like they’ll stick to one thing and never change it up. I’ll always expect flowers but nothing else. I’ll always expect taking care of them with babysitting, never getting the rest and relaxation I need.

Sometimes I find more joy when they’re away. I can’t say that to them, though. I know they hate their job, but they still pick it over me when I’m dealing with things. Flashbacks, trauma, needing to be able to be reminded that everything is okay with them in front of me, but no. They work.

Sure, they “don’t pick a job over me.” That’s what it feels like they’re doing. They’ll text me on their way in and then I won’t hear anything from them for hours, nothing at breaks or lunch. So I sleep when I’m tired. Wake up for them when they come home and want to spend time with me. What do I get in turn? Nothing except “but money.” Is that really what’s important? Money? Not you knowing how bad my mental health is? Not making sure that I’m okay? Not making sure that I’m safe? But money?

I have been told “you know I’m not picking a job over you, right?” I just nod. If I say “it feels like you are” I get met with tears and a broken heart, an apology that irritates me because that’s all they fucking say to me. Never “I’ll call out today and spend time with you to help you out.” I don’t get that. Just the tears, the apology, feeling guilty, and sending them off to work without talking at all for the rest of the day unless it’s them saying “I’m sorry” non stop.

No one can buy my happiness and love long term, something they’re aware of, so why do they try? Why do they try to buy my happiness and affection when they know that’s not what I want? When I’ve told them what I’ve wanted?

Do they actually listen? Or do they listen to things they feel will make it quicker for me to love them because they know I hate feeling like I owe people? That’s it, isn’t it? I owe them and they know I feel that way because of all the gifts they’ve given me. I’m caged with them.

That’s all I will be. Caged. Just another doll to play with. On display, something on the side, always chosen last. Am I only pretty when my mental health is shattered? When I want to litter my body with scars? When I cry? Is that the only time I’m pretty and admired? It wouldn’t surprise me, I’ve been told that all my life. “You’re so pretty when you cry.” Maybe I should just mask my life away. Maybe that would be easier. I can’t leave either way, can I? No point in trying.

[sizeableseashell]

Kind of Breakthrough Maybe

2024/7/21 1:01 am

Hi! So basically, I had kind of a maybe breakthrough. These are the broad strokes. It started with a fight I was having with my boyfriend, but conflict (if handled correctly) can bring us even closer!

So basically I came home (Elliot’s place rn) from a concert, a great night out with friends, and when I got back to Elliot’s place his friend Peter was there and he was, like, capital G Gone. Like, high, with a really clear short little nervous coked up laugh. 

I try to relate to people by looking into their eyes and trying to see myself reflected in them… but this guy was Gone capital G Gone. Anyways, he left, and when he did I mentioned to Elliot that my friend Javiera is going to see a movie on tuesday and invited both of us. Elliot said that since it’s a cheap horror movie he might smoke a joint. 

I felt upset, because I was upset by Peter being all high and I was like

No please don’t do that

And he’s like… um I want to.

And I was like I prefer you didn’t 

And He’s like I’m feeling controlled, I don’t want to feel controlled by your anxieties. 

Anyways- it led to this whole discussion where I started crying, and I opened up about how scared I was to see Peter like that (it reminded me of my own struggles with drug use) and I was scared that Elliott might not be there one day… like how Peter wasn’t there. 

Even though Elliott has used weed recreationally in the past before and it hadn’t bothered me, it did this time (especially because I was frightened by what I saw in Peter) At the root of it though was a fear of being disconnected from Elliot, of Elliot fading from me in some respect. Of us growing apart, of me not being attracted to him. ANYWAYS

I apologized for being controlling, I affirmed that his autonomy was important- he apologized for being defensive initially.

BUT! It made me reflect on my own relationship with my mum. Often times I’ve felt “controlling” or anxiety ridden behaviours from her. In subtle ways- 

Discouraging me from taking a new place, moving away, going to a new school, buying a new car, or even leaving Elliot, or pursuing an expensive program in the fall. Some things I agree with her on, but it’s hard to when I sense this undercurrent of anxiety that’s motivating her actions. As Elliot pointed out, sometimes she won’t express excitement for me when I achieve something important to me- especially around my passions. Or when I’m really “taking of” she’ll almost have an air of “uh-huh” the same kind of energy you might show towards a kid who is spending a lot of time mountain biking or doing something dangerous. Happy, but afraid. Tense. 

She also is encouraging me to consider careers that aren’t my primary ambition. My dad more often encourages me to seriously pursue what I’m interested in. 

But after my confrontation with Elliot I saw her behaviours in a new light… maybe she’s subtly exerting control, or being controlling, because she’s scared of losing me? The same way I’m scared of losing Elliot. She’s scared of me- on some level- growing “big” or moving on. 

I’ve always had this weird fear that if I got really successful doing what I love (writing/performing) that I’d be isolated from people around me…

…maybe that was never my fear. Maybe that was my mum’s fear. If I grow up, move on, get big, break free, expand, grow wings, make connections, that I’ll be sepreated from my mum. 

And down at the root of that- is a love for me. A fear of losing me. A fear of being alone. I don’t think this is a conscious fear, she’d deny it… and she has trouble with confrontation and conflict… but maybe there’s something there. 

Usually I’ve antagonized her for her controlling behaviours, but if at the root of it is the same fear of losing/being apart from someone you love- that’s something I can very much relate to, and have empathy for.

Now to figure out what I agree with her on, and what’s really me. 

It’s tempting to just not do whatever mom says, but there is some overlap. I do love Elliot A LOT. I’m very happy we’re together.

What to do about school next year? Expensive film program, or something different? 

[hunchomatt]

Nothing in my life remains constant, friends are constantly leaving and going, family relationships are constantly failing and growing, my grades are constantly fluctuating, my confidence is always in a different place, i move schools almost annually up until high school, I’ve never lived in one house for more than two years, and I never understand what I truly want. One thing that has remained constant for almost three years and counting is my geckos. I love them so much and try to do the best I can for them even when I truly have no energy to care about anything else. I don’t think anyone will ever understand how much I love them even though I do joke about not wanting them or how bad they may smell sometimes lol. They deserve their flowers for helping Matt stay alive unironically. Dexter is on the right while DeeDee is on the left. I don’t even know why I’m typing this lol no one will ever read it, but it’s good to talk I like to talk even though I am probably the quietest in a room of people I don’t know. Even in a room full of people I know sometimes I can be the quietest person there. It’s a result of being told how worthless I am over the years and how my opinion isn’t really needed, but I’m working on fixing that. One thing about me is I’m always trying. I like to say I’m giving up but I’m reality that’s just not an option for me even though every bone in my body wants this all to be over. I used to wonder where I get my resilience from considering everything that’s happened to me. But now I know that I can thank my ancestors for that one, they won’t let me give up. 🫶🏾

P.S.

- songs I add on these are either songs I just like as a teenager or songs I’m listening to as a write, I’ll always be listening to music when I write :)

[unoisveimved-un-proffesional]

People tell me my desire to be alone is because I think I am unlovable or something, and that I put myself to a standard where I believe I don’t deserve friendship or intimacy or community until I prove myself worthy, which is a fair psychological assessment, but my desire to be alone and by myself is entirely separate from that. I desire loneliness and quiet because I grew up in a household of 5-6 to sometimes 7 people, (you know, roommates, friends, siblings, the one person who died leaving a permanent hole in our family) not including pets, majority of the time living in a 15x15 foot space, (that’s about just under 5 meters by 5 meters for you metric fellows), have never had my own room since I was 3, in account of The Second Child, and function at my most optimal when I’m given space and quiet, but no matter how quiet or attentive anyone is (if they even try to be, which most people don’t surprisingly) their quiet presence will never match the clarity of no presence at all, and also I’ve been several people’s assistant and caretaker and more, and I am just sick of adjusting to other people after doing nothing but adjusting to other people’s needs and having hardly any of my own taken care.

That, and because I am naturally inclined to help, I need to be separated from everyone else, because I’ll put off brushing my own damn teeth to help people! I’ve collapsed and fainted helping people, and what do I do after regaining consciousness again? Go right back to helping people like some, helper, person, totally disregarding all aches and pains. Admirable sure, but unnecessary. Nuisances are putting it lightly, people are hindrances, and I cannot perform at the base level with people involved, and until I can achieve baseline optimization in my life, people will only lead to further delay and stagnation. It’s why I’m so pissed I had to leave my woods and go into this stupid “low cost” (low cost for the people who own and maintain these places sure) urban area, the influence of people is felt everywhere and to be honest if I was a mystic nut (in a different way than I already am) I’d say the overwhelming energy of society, dozens and dozens of people all around moving and activating and flowing, is interrupting my personal flow, which is attuned to nature and trees and wind and not industrial, society, or industrial society. How am I supposed to get anything done with electricity in the walls and people moving downstairs and cars?! Cars!

Forest Hermit 4 Life. I may also just be autistic.

I have to admit though, running water is a bonus, but I think I could’ve gotten that without having to be a Land Surf for a Landlord. Don’t even get me started on the airflow, which this place has none! And there’s no window in the bathroom! That’s just disgusting! Locking someone in a box with hot water and excrement! And the thermostat won’t even go below 60 degrees Fahrenheit I hate it here oh god! And these atrocious white walls! I used to have walls made of tapestries! Talk about a downgrade. Sure they have insulation, but at what cost? Not worth the monthly I’d say.